#stuff that old is not relevant anymore so an answer being given now would feel odd!!

[dykevanny]

Do you think they will ever explain shadow Bonnie or Freddy from fnaf 2 or will this forever remain as a unexplained mystery also lolbit like they are really cool but what’s their deal

they will never be explained. Good luck finding ur own answer!!!

[tarysande]

It’s the Dose that Makes the Poison: Lucifer Thoughts and Speculation

I’m going to throw the entirety of this under a cut because spoilers. I’ve been rearranging the pieces on the table and I have some meta and a plausible(?) theory about how things might shake out.

...this is almost four thousand words long, and frankly? I feel I’ve barely grazed the surface.

Also, I put it on AO3 for ease of reading and/or in case anyone wants to have, idk, threaded conversations ;D

Okay. Here are a bunch of the pieces. (Or the piece is here, as it were.)

First: The show has always been about redemption; the showrunners throw that word around all the time. Second: I don’t think we’re going to see an endgame or a narrative where God is evil. So, how to make the concept of literal Hell work, then? How to explain or justify the idea of a father who a) kicked his kid out of the house and sent him to Hell for-literal-ever and b) created children for specific “of God” purposes.

Hell

In 5x01, Lee says, “Whose Hell is this, anyway?” and ... I think that’s the crux of the matter. In S3, Lucifer realizes he gave himself the face of a monster because he felt monstrous. But the truth is, he didn’t just give himself the face.

He gave himself the place, too. 5x01 is littered with clues that indicate this. Lucifer says “you to your torture and me to mine.” Lee’s entire speech—the one that pushes all Lucifer’s buttons because of course Lucifer’s projecting all over Lee’s “worst memory”—might as well be Lucifer talking to himself (not unlike Uriel in Lucifer’s hell loop). You know, the part of Lucifer that’s starting to understand all the psychological stuff Linda’s been yammering on about.

Lucifer created Hell. To torture himself for what he believes he did. He created the mechanism that you can walk out any time you like—but no one ever does. None of the doors are locked, right? 

On some level, Lucifer, who is all about fairness and justice, looked at what he did and decided the Hell as we’ve seen it was the appropriate punishment. And with Lee, Lucifer almost figures out that the goal of “Hell” isn’t to eternally loop through guilt-fueled self-torture but to forgive yourself and apologize or make amends or not repeat the mistakes. Most of all, learn that nothing changes if you stay in the loop and the only way to break the loop is to take risk that you might fuck up and do something that you feel guilty for again. 

Names/Family

Something that’s always jumped out at me is that no matter how many millennia have passed, Lucifer—to whom nicknames and names are canonically really goddamned important—always refers to his family by their familial connection to him “brother, sister, Mum, Dad.” When he banished himself from Heaven—and I’m starting to think he did—he didn’t stop feeling like he was a part of his family. Even when he wanted to eat Amenadiel’s heart someday, he still called him “brother.” Even when Uriel was threatening Chloe (and Mum), he was still “brother.”

For that matter, isn’t it interesting that all Lucifer’s estranged siblings refer to him by the name he chose for himself—not the one he was given? Except, of course, when they want to hurt him. We’ve known since what, S1? That Lucifer cannot abide the name Samael. Even Uriel calls him Lucifer. Or Luci. Mum calls him Lucifer. Lucifer was given Poison of God and he chose Bringer of Light. And everyone who loved (and loves) him said, “All right. Lucifer it is.” And though Lucifer is originally a little eye-rolly with nicknames—Luce, Luci—it’s fond, not the “I’m going to rip out your spine and beat you to death with it” response Samael elicits. Essentially, Samael is Lucifer’s deadname. And people who use intentionally are dismissing and rejecting the identity Lucifer chose, which is vile.

When I was researching/writing Taking the Fall and I knew I wanted to talk about the name thing, I came across this quotation ascribed to Paracelsus, and it really resonated: “All things are poison, and nothing is without poison, the dosage alone makes it so a thing is not a poison.” The dosage, in fact, is the difference between whether something is a poison or a cure. And if that doesn’t align with the themes of the show, I don’t know what does. 

Lucifer has spent all this time thinking he is a poison; he has never imagined that he might be a cure. (To angels embracing their free will; to ending the sharp black and white segregation between Heaven and Hell; to darkness, to fear. Yet the more Lucifer learns and the healthier he gets, the more we see cures in what he does: i.e., Brody and also, you know, solving crimes.)

Michael, on the other hand, means “Who is like God?” It’s meant to be a rhetorical question, but in the universe of the show, I think Michael’s twisted version is that he used the question “Who is like God?” to plant the seed of Lucifer’s rebellion ... and is now answering the question “Who is like God?” with the reply, “I am."

Maze

But just in case we head too far down the Lucifer is Great line of thinking, we’ve got a big old example of how he’s still a poison, too.

Contrast this discussion of family with the lesson Lucifer still needs to learn about Maze—he’s managed to absorb that she’s not his servant anymore, but he’s still clinging to that soulless demon/just a demon dismissiveness. And despite self-worth coming from within, bitches, Maze still hasn’t truly absorbed that. She still looks outside for validation—and resents or backslides when she doesn’t get it. Especially from Lucifer. Because Lucifer was the first being to treat her like she mattered. She admires him. Looks up to him. Loves him. In many ways, Maze is the shadow of Chloe—drawn to Lucifer but never, from his perspective, his equal or his partner.

And he, for all the strides he’s made, still default to “demon” as derogatory and dismissive. Something she can’t transcend, even though all the evidence suggests the contrary. As long as Lucifer sees Maze as just a demon, she can’t truly escape from that identity. 

Why does Maze keep “betraying” Lucifer? It’s tempting to think it’s because she’s a demon. Because she doesn’t have “a soul.” But that’s not true. She can learn; she learns from “betraying” Chloe and doesn’t do it a second time. She learns from “betraying” Linda and Trixie. Even she and Amenadiel seem to have reached a real (and much more healthy) understanding of who they are to each other.

She keeps betraying Lucifer because he keeps deserving it.  

Servants 

The thing is, I think there’s something important in Lucifer’s “You’re not my servant anymore” to Maze. Because I think angels believe they are God’s servants. And I suspect the reason God’s been so AFK is because he really wanted them to ... break free of that. On their own. Without him telling them to—because if he told them, it wouldn’t be choice anymore. It wouldn’t be free will. It would be Following The Will of DadGod. 

Here’s another relevant Paracelsus quotation: “No one who can stand alone by himself should be the servant of another.” 

Angels self-actualize. They have powers. Sometimes those powers change (as with Amenadiel). I don’t think angels ever lacked free will. 

What is self-actualization but literal free will? You become what you believe you are; you do what you think you’re supposed to. You literally change based on your choices and feelings about those choices. Angels basically have human free will on a kind of EXTREME SCALE that they’ve remained mostly ignorant of throughout time. But how do you get your kids to figure something out without telling them how to figure it out when they’ve all got this WILL OF DAD complex? He gave them the tool of self-actualization. When they didn’t ... do that, he created humanity. He tinkered with the model. Took away the names and the powers that were such a stumbling block for his angels and such a shining example of how he failed them. If someone hangs on your every word, if you are not just their father but their master, how can they ever know love? Trust? How can they ever be free? Be themselves? I think God wanted his angel children to learn from his human children and was disappointed when they pretty much decided to just be remote and Angelically Superior All The Time, instead. Of course, that's mostly on him, too.

Except Lucifer. Because Lucifer’s curiosity (yes, from the beginning of time) kept bringing him so close to figuring things out. (Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven, amirite, Paradise Lost?) And as close as he was to figuring things out, Lucifer was still prideful and selfish and superior. The result was what happened with (and in) Hell. Things got twisted down there; he was in a God role over the demons and he was not hands-off. Cue endless loops of pain and torture and despair and self-recrimination and poison. Lilith may have started their pain, but Lucifer, however unintentionally or ignorantly, continued it. 

At least Lucifer could escape it sometimes. Those poor demons. Those poor abandoned children. They had two rocks.

Pretty sure there’s going to be an echo of Dad abandonment with his angel kids and Lilith of her demon kids, by the by. Because abandonment is a theme. And good intentions or not, well, you know what they say about the road to Hell.

Humanity The more Lucifer interacted with humanity, the more he learned from humanity. And, of course, the entire journey of the series has been about Lucifer learning, growing, adapting, changing because of this. And not in a Superior Angelic Way, but in a person-to-person real way. Not just with Chloe. With everyone.  But yeah, Chloe is the catalyst—precisely because (as Amenadiel says) she’s the only mortal who sees Lucifer for who he really is, without her reflected desires getting in the way. No one, no one else can truly reflect back to him his worthiness or lack thereof.

Does Chloe have a power? It’s not laser-beam hands. But I’ve always thought Chloe has the power of seeing things and, in seeing, encouraging others to see, too. And this is most obvious with Lucifer, whose power has never let him be seen. Because of his power, he can never know if the reactions of others are about him or about their own desires. 

What agony for someone whose chosen path is bringing light: to be forever hidden in the shadow of the light others see.

Until Chloe.

Michael tells Lucifer his greatest fear is that of being unworthy. We know Lucifer has always feared he’s not worthy of Chloe. But now that she’s told him, shown him, his worthiness? You’d better believe that he will never, ever abandon her—will never, ever let her suffer from her worst fear. Gosh, and by suddenly being invulnerable again, it’s almost like he’s assured that, isn’t it? “You make me vulnerable” was about his walls. “My invulnerability ensures I will never, ever abandon you,” is all about hers.

So, back to learning from humanity. We’ve seen Lucifer and Amenadiel do it. It’s been hinted that Azrael has done it, at least a little. Then we have Michael’s frustrated tale of how the other angel siblings are taking note of Lucifer’s actions—with the implication being that maybe they’re learning, too. Maybe they’re starting to understand that they can be more than they think they have been made to be. More than just a “Something” of God.

Control 

Meanwhile, of course, Michael’s concocted some kind of Make Heaven Great Again plot—ironically, it appears, by doing exactly what he accused Lucifer of doing: believing he can run things better than Dad. And, I suspect, by trying to set himself as Master and his siblings (and other assorted peons) as his servants. Only, he’s not doing it in Lucifer’s ultimately forthright (and even honest) way of “This sucks and I’m rebelling” but in a conniving, secretive, Machiavellian way that probably sounds a lot like “Dad says” or “Dad’s not here” or “Who is closer to God than I?” ...

Who is like God, indeed. He even throws down the word archangel when he speaks to Dan: an angel above even other angels. I’m 99% sure that word’s never been used before on the show. Because that’s what Michael desires. To be more. To be everything. To control.

He’s what Lucifer was as the Lord of Hell. He’s everything Lucifer has made such progress toward overcoming.

Incidentally, and also essay-worthy: This is why the progression of the scene where Lucifer and Chloe make love is so incredibly (heh) important: Lucifer of the perfect appearance, perfect pocket square, perfect car, perfectly clean apartment; Lucifer of control control control control ... surrenders. He offers. She accepts. And in these first moments—“Incredible,” he breathes before they’ve done anything more than kiss—she is above him, in control ... and nothing bad happens. Nothing hurts him even though she makes him hurt-able. She doesn’t take advantage of him. She loves him; she treasures him; she protects him. It’s beautiful. It’s everything he’s been so afraid he could never have.

And for the first time (very possibly) ever, he sees himself as worthy. He sees himself as belonging. He believes he is not alone; he is not lonely.

Power

Amenadiel “lost” his power to stop time when he decided he didn’t want to stand apart from humanity anymore. Essentially, just as he lost his wings when he was so horrified and disgusted by what he’d done (to Lucifer, with Malcolm, etc.) he caused himself to Fall. He regained his wings when he made it his purpose to bring Charlotte to Heaven. He stopped time again in S5 when the question of humanity—of his own child being human, and thus ‘not like him’ or ... not that ‘special’—reared its head. With the nuns, he reflects their love of God, right? And in part, that’s because he’s in this father (or Father) role now. 

Angel powers, like all power really, are double-edged. In the wrong hands or twisted the wrong way, a good power can bring about evil. Look at the almost throwaway line with Brody in 5x02: Lucifer’s “desire” power—so often spun as about sin or hedonism—brought Brody peace and forgiveness. That Lucifer doesn’t lie or take without giving in return indicates that, on some level, the level that values true justice—and even a bit of mercy—he was never able to use that power against others (the way we see Michael do with his); he didn’t want to use as he felt he’d been used; he also didn’t want to feel used by those whose desires he provided (this is why the parade of one-night stands and “it was just sex—great sex, but just sex” partners upset him so much back in S2). Favors—and even the give and take of sex—were a way to balance that scale. Again, this could be a whole essay all its own.

This makes me suspect that the dark side of Lucifer’s powers played some part in his Rebellion. That he abused desire the way we’ve seen Michael abuse fear. 

So, about that power of fear, then. I mean, it just sounds negative. How can FEAR be positive, right? But if Michael were using his powers to draw out fears so they’re named and dealt with (LIKE PEOPLE DO IN THERAPY???) instead of manipulated for personal gain—it could be a very healing power (LIKE THERAPY???).

Greatest Strength/Greatest Weakness

The absolute thematic and narrative brilliance of twin brothers having the powers of fear and desire whilst also being held back BY the “power” of their twin is so amazing it really needs its own essay. But I do want to mention this relative to the overall arc heading forward. Much of Lucifer’s work with Linda has been about addressing his fears; he’s made a ton of progress with this. As I mentioned earlier, with Linda’s guidance, Lucifer has been drawing out his fears in a safe(r) space and learning to deal with them and heal. And, in doing so, his own power of reflecting desire has increasingly been less and less about artisanal honey and car batteries and more about drawing out desires that help others heal, grow, become their best selves, release their inner demons.

Michael is (both literally and figuratively) twisted by his desires (to be powerful, to be stronger/better/more admired than his brother). I’ll bet some cold hard cash that if Lucifer’s the source of the original injury to his shoulder/wing, Michael has self-actualized into keeping that injury—perhaps even magnifying it—to a) manipulate others into feeling sorry for him, b) to remind everyone who looks at him how awful Lucifer is, and c) to trick people into believing he’s weaker than he is. 

At the end of the day, fear and desire are two of the strongest motivating forces in the world (universe); the show is showing us all the messy ways those forces come into play. And it’s also showing how connection and love and trust are the forces that both fight the worse facets of these powers and that let these forces be useful in helpful and ultimately healing ways.

Because THERAPY.

Home

So, we know we’re rolling toward what was meant to be a series finale; it’s time to start tying loose ends together, right? Again and again, the question of home comes up. Lucifer only ever refers to Los Angeles as his home. Maze, on the other hand, still defaults to Hell as home. 

Hell as we know it is over. But Hell as a place where Maze tries to impart the lessons she’s learned on Earth to her abandoned, twisted-by-hate-and-loneliness-and-Lilith siblings? Perhaps even with Eve “mother of all humanity” at her side to help clean up some of the mess Lilith made when she decided to abandon connection in favor of more selfish desire? I think that’s plausible, while also managing a significant nod at where Mazikeen ends up in the comics and a heavy dash of “the things we learn from therapy and/or being best friends with a therapist.” 

Now, I know the question of how things will end for Chloe and Lucifer is contentious in fandom. So, you know, grain of salt. I don’t think Lucifer’s home is Los Angeles; the Los Angeles in Hell wasn’t enough because it didn’t have her in it. In a literal embodiment of “Home is where the heart is,” Lucifer’s home is with Chloe. And since Chloe’s worst fear is abandonment, Lucifer will do what it takes to stay with her—because that’s what’s most important to him. The utterly unselfish choice. I think there’s some pretty reasonable foreshadowing (Lilith’s choice—if that choice was even real, of course—for example) that Lucifer may choose to renounce his immortality. Or to give it to someone else. Or that immortality won’t matter at all anymore. 

From his reactions in 5x07/08, we know that Lucifer’s identity and ideas of usefulness/self-worth/worthiness of love are still connected to his identity as an immortal with powers; I think, though, he’s beginning to piece together the complications therein, especially regarding questions of partnership and vulnerability and equality. 

Personally, Human!Lucifer has never been my preferred outcome, but I can see how it might work/might be what they’re heading for. Even if I’d still prefer the “you can use me as a bullet shield” partnership with supernatural elements—because those have always been at the heart of their partnership. The strengths of one make up for the weaknesses in the other (and vice versa).

Hell (Redux)

Finally, I’m still pretty sure we’re going to see a complete overhaul of the Heaven/Hell dichotomy. One with a lot less THIS IS THE WAY IT IS BECAUSE CONTROL and a lot more CHOICES MATTER (maybe Linda can have a turn as a salamander after all). And a major catalyst, of course, is Lucifer and his love for the chosen family on earth (and through them, a renewed love for the estranged family he’s never actually stopped loving; 5x01 basically makes canon that it's not that Lucifer hates his family—it's that he's terrified of disappointing them again, of causing problems again). 

So why does Hell have to change?

Because right now, every human he loves is sure they’re going to Hell. And after all the time and all these friendships, can you really see Lucifer being okay with that? Okay with Ella or Linda or Dan or Trixie tormenting themselves for all eternity? When he wasn’t even okay with Mr. Said Out Bitch doing so? When he gave this guy who he barely knows every opportunity to change his fate in ways he’s never done for any other tortured soul? Because they had a tenuous connection on earth?

Can you see him being okay with Chloe choosing Hell to be with him?

When it boils right down to it, Lucifer has learned to love others. And I think, especially given his revelations about self-loathing last season, that love isn’t going to let him be okay with or encourage the self-loathing in others. Love—selfless love, real love—is, in fact, the cure to the very concept of Hell. 

And it’s also the cure to the very concept of Heaven, too.

How could Heaven ever be perfect if the people you love aren’t in it?

It can’t. It might be more silver and have fewer demons, but I don’t think it’s any less an eternal torture. Eve basically tells us as much.

So, on that note, I’ll leave you with another fine quotation from Paracelsus:

“When a man undertakes to create something, he establishes a new heaven, as it were, and from it the work that he desires to create flows into him... For such is the immensity of man that he is greater than heaven and earth.”

And that, I think, is going to be the takeaway. We create what we are; we choose what we create. And in the act of that creation, we choose whether we are the poison or the remedy. And if we make mistakes, slip up, hurt people, hurt ourselves—it’s not a Hell-sentence. It’s the dose that makes the poison. We learn, we grow, we apologize, we strive to make things better, we love and love and love and love, and we never stop striving to be the cure.   

[mayfriend-archive]

Totally understand if you're not up for it and fully recognize the ronald mcdonald dom/sub anon vibes which is an AMAZING post btw but like...now i'm curious, what the hell did Lord of the Flies anon DO that got him blocked for the discourse? like...i just can't wrap my head around high school lit being...uh...that inflammatory i guess?

Okay so, I'll start by saying I've had a new anon from apparently the same anon saying they are NOT the person I blocked, just a rando making the same points, but I'll answer your question anyway just to set out why this person in particular got blocked, out of the several thousand who reblogged/commented on that very successful addition to the LoTF post I made.

First off, I added the 'real life Lord of the Flies' story because I thought it was a good story. I had read about it only a couple days beforehand in Humankind and, after reading out the entire chapter to my parents who weren't very interested, I was excited that there was not only a post where it would be relevant to post, but that I wouldn't be hijacking it, as it was already rejecting the widespread interpretation taught in many schools, that humanity is inherently savage.

When making the addition, I a) did not think it would get more than a couple reblogs, because the post was already at 50k notes and I figured anyone that might be interested would already have seen it, and b) I did not know the very specific context that prompted William Golding to write the book; all I knew was that he had been a teacher at a public school (basically, the poshest schools in the country - think Eton, Harrow, very 'old money' places that pump out Conservative politicians by the bucket-load 🤢) who hated his job and the boys he taught (which, valid), and new information I'd been given in Humankind - that Golding had said to his wife one day, "Wouldn't it be a good idea to write a story about some boys on an island, showing how they would really behave?" - which had no mention of The Coral Island by R. M. Ballantyne, which I have since learned was the text that Golding loathed enough to write an entire novel in refutation of - and included what I considered a very telling letter from Golding to his publisher, in which Golding wrote of his belief that 'even if we start with a clean slate, our nature compels us to make a muck of it.' Another Golding quote that I believe portrays his belief in humanity's 'innate savagery' is that "man produces evil as a bee produces honey."

Obviously, the author of a book putting forward the case for humanity's inherent goodness was going to oppose Golding's hypothesis; Bregman not only noted Golding's literary accomplishments and beliefs, but his personal life.

When I began delving into the author's life, I learned what an unhappy individual he'd been. An alcoholic. Prone to depression. A man who, as a teacher, once divided his pupils into gangs and encouraged them to attack each other. "I have always understood the Nazis," Golding confessed, "because I am of that sort by nature." (Humankind by Rutger Bregman, p. 24-25)

I have bolded the part about him as a teacher, because it is incredibly relevant to the original post that I commented on, which begins with a comic of a teacher locking her class in to see them 'recreate' Lord of the Flies, something which the follow up comments before mine staunchly reject as both misunderstanding the point of the book, and the fact that it took the kids in Lord of the Flies a significant amount of time without adult supervision to go 'savage'. This misreading of the text is widespread enough that when Golding won the Nobel Prize for Lord of the Flies, the Swedish Nobel committee wrote that his book 'illuminate[s] the human condition in the world of today'. Whether or not they misread it is beyond my expertise - they do at least mention the factors of the outside world neglected by many when analysing the book, but still seem to believe it says something about human nature as a whole rather than just, to quote thedarkbutbeige 'British kids being rat bastards' - but Golding quite happily took his Nobel prize on this basis. Which, in fairness, I would too. It's a fucking Nobel prize.

It was with this knowledge, and this knowledge alone, that I stated in my now very, very widely read comment that Golding 'wrote the book to be a dick', in response to the tags of the person I reblogged from. As I said, I now know that Golding did not write the book (solely) because he hated the kids he taught, but as a response to The Coral Island and the general idea that clearly the British were inherently civilsed, whilst the people they colonised and enslaved were inherently savage. So. That's the background.

The anon - or rather, the person I thought was anon - was the sole exception out of dozens of replies, who instead of telling me about The Coral Island politely decided it was time to go ALL CAPS and regurgitate points already made by thespaceshipoftheseus, and implied that the only reason that the real life Tongan castaways didn't go all Lord of the Flies was because they weren't British. Not because they weren't surrounded by violence like the boys in Lord of the Flies, or there wasn't a World War ongoing, or that they weren't the upper, upper, upper crust of a class-obsessed society like Britain - but because they weren't British. A complete inversion of the concept that Golding was trying to get across - now, instead of all of humanity being equally prone to savagery in the right conditions, it was solely nationality that determined it. As in, the British were inherently savage, but nobody else was.

I, trying for humour, made the terrible mistake of replying to them.

I won't lie, I was absolutely blown away that this was real life. What I think they were trying to do was be that Cool Tumblr Person who, after somebody's been shitty on a post, goes to their blog and sees something Damning in their about/description. In an ideal world, I imagine I'd have gone nuts or done something Unforgiveable. In what I can only call the rant that followed, they stated several times that I needed to go back to high school to get some 'proper literary analysis' skills and that the story of the Tongan castaways was completely unrelated to the point at hand which. I mean, I disagree, considering that I made the addition, but I couldn't get my head around how commenting on a post that was already rejecting the thesis that the 'point' of Lord of the Flies was that humanity was inherently savage and was, in fact, about how kids - British or otherwise - learn how to function from the adults around them, and that traumatised, terrified children aren't going to create a mini-Utopia, and put forward a real life example of how without the key additions of an ongoing world war, a colonial Empire and the subsequent mindset of thinking you are 'inherently civilised' and therefore can't do anything wrong, actually, people just want to take care of each other.

A friend has since asked me why I even have 'england' in my description. To be honest, it's a timezone thing - I talk to a lot of people online who don't share my timezone, and it generally makes me feel like if I don't reply immediately because it's 3am, they have the tools to see that I'm not in their timezone and not just ignoring them. I did consider changing it to 'british' or 'uk' after it was... 'used against me', I guess, simply because I didn't want to deal with it, but you know what. No. Not gonna do that. I am from England, and I have never hid that fact. I have a tag called 'uk politics', during Eurovision I refer to the UK's act as 'us' (even if I really, really don't want to. Because James Newman slaughtered that song and it was downright embarrassing), I regularly post stuff in my personal tag about where I live (and mostly complain about this piece of shit government). If people really think my nationality makes every point I make null and void, then they don't have to follow me or interact with my posts; tumblr is big, and I am one medium-small blog very easily passed over.

I did reply to them, trying to explain the above, but their next response really just doubled down. Because I used the word British instead of English - foolishly because the posts above mine focused on Britishness, and also because although Golding was English and taught English kids, the pro-Imperialism author of The Coral Island, R. M. Bannatyne was actually Scottish so, ding ding ding, falls into the 'British' category - they then decided that I was somehow trying to pretend I wasn't English and made all the same points, before ending with this doozy:

At this point, I knew there was nothing to be gained from replying, because if we're whipping out conditions like they're pokemon cards then there's no actual conversation anymore, and I'm not going to start mudslinging like an identity politician. They made up their mind, and I figured there could be no harm in letting them think that they 'won' by blocking them instead of replying.

Until the ask. INNATE ENGLISH SAVAGERY did, I'll admit, make me think it was them, back again. I even thought up a really good response approximately 12 hours after I replied, I was that sure. Until the second message came in, and said they were just someone who came from the post and made the same point by chance. So the saga draws to a close... for now.

It may have been them, it may not have been - the anon feature makes it impossible to be sure, but as the second message I got said, we're in a heatwave. It's too hot to argue. And I've just written a goddamn essay about a book I dislike anyway.

My pasty English ass is going to go melt. If there's Disk Horse, do not tell me. I am Done™

[thotsforvillainrights]

~Pivitol~

Summary: Life is good when you do good, or when you see good. When you act in good...put good in, get good out. However, the devil has a funny way at sending temptation right to your doorway. Unfortunately for Kai, he answered that call.

Chapter: 12

Warnings: None

“Are you going to stand around all day and watch me dust pictures and shelves?”

“Oh well...no but...”

“But?”

“Uh nothing. I suppose I just don’t feel like going back to work when you’re around. Honestly having you here feels like a mini vacation for me.”

“I’m glad you think that way about me but I don’t think Pops will be so happy to know his successor is slacking off on the job. If the yakuza is anything like the books and the movies, you should be out running the streets and doing gangster stuff by now haha!”

“Yeah but the times have changed.” He leaned against the walls and watched you go to town with the duster, never missing a single inch or corner. “Lately we were struggling to keep afloat upon staying relevant with the coming age of heroes and villains. At one point, the Hassaikai was almost nothing. Given some time and effort, I’ve just barely managed to drag us from the shadows with other groups following our path as well. It doesn’t even feel like we’re gangsters anymore. The only thing we do now are shakedowns and such. Sometimes it comes with the occasional turf war here and there. A few groups still push product here and there...yknow...drugs. But us? We’re damn near a charity organization now. I do a shit ton of paperwork and taxes. We donate to parts of the city and make sure the streets we own stay clear of any unfamiliar threats. I can’t say I enjoy the philanthropic changes but anything is better than letting the organization sink. Besides, Pops is pleased to know we’ve changed direction nowadays too.”

“You know, I’m glad too. Now please go to work.” He just barely dodged the playful jab at his sides. He smiled, bid his goodbyes, and headed down to the lower part of the base as usual. Upon entry he was already greeted by Chrono with a suitcase of what he assumed had to be either money or more paperwork. “Overhaul, you’re a bit late for once huh? It’s usually me haha.” Chrono joked and Kai sighed. “You’re rather bold to comment on my time frame when you came in an hour late last Friday under the excuse that you were stuck in traffic.” He spoke and walked, grabbing the suitcase and mentally taking note of it’s weight.

Money this time. How delightful. Perhaps he could buy you a nice gift to thank you for always spending time with him?

“Hey! I’ll have you know that I wasn’t lying about that traffic dude. It was absolute ass the entire drive. Well anyway, there’s some guy waiting on your line. He’s been waiting for you for almost 30 minutes. He said it was something important about a business proposition or whatever? Anyway, he must be telling the truth for him to actually stay on the line that long.”

“And why didn’t you link him my cellphone line then, if it was so important?”

“Pshhh, and risk having you on my ass for giving out your personal number? No way in hell. Anyway, let me know later what it is. I’m going to be heading out with Hojo, Tabe, and Setsuno today to make peace with that group on the west end of the city that keeps threating our men. Catch you later.” And just like that, Hari was gone and on his way out of the hall. Kai took a second to gather himself and placed the suitcase down next to his desk before answering the phone. “Hello, is this Chisaki Kai?” 

“This is he. Who are you and what can I help you with.” He mentally groaned at the incoming conversation. One could only hope it’s not another bum looking to get in on their terf, or some sort of tax collector from the IRS. “Glad I can finally make your acquaintance Mr. Chisaki. This is Tado of the Matsufuda branch. I was actually hoping to come and meet you in person but one of your main men told me now wouldn’t be a good time seeing as the old boss is out on business and you’re all alone.” The man chuckled and Kai squinted his eyes in speculation. “What is that supposed to mean then? Did you figure I couldn’t balance things without Pops being here? Need I remind you who you’re talking to?” He started to heat up until the man on the other line laughed. “Now now, no need to get testy so soon boy! The suitcase, do you have it?” Kai paused and looked down at the case in curiosity. “Yes. Was it you that sent this?” He asked, eyeing the case intently. “Correct. Inside that case you will not only find a gift from us, but you will also find it to be a wonderful new business venture as well. I have the utmost confidence it will double the Hassaikai’s monetary wealth in no time while also producing quite a bit of street credit.” The man rambled on while Kai was cautiously opening the case. 

Not money on the inside but...pills???

“What the hell is this supposed to be, a joke?”

“No joke Mr. Chisaki! It’s the future is what it is! My organization has developed a new drug and we predict it will be the craze among the youth around here. After creating it, we sent it on a trial test run throughout the nearby city. Our plan was to sell for more than it had cost us to make the drug. The money we got was outstanding in return. Just from the test trial alone, we gained almost triple back in funds. More money than we’d ever make following this new peaceful ‘grey area’ path your group has set in stone. What I’ve included in the case is more than enough of the new drug for your group to distribute on your end of the city. Charge more than retail, get us our percent of the money and you guys keep the rest. It’s genius! What do you say?”

“...I’m sorry...I don’t deal drugs anymore. You’ll have to ask a different person for this.” Just before he was about to hang up the phone, the man stopped him. “WAIT! Just hear me out. How about this eh? What about you keep the suitcase full and keep ALL of the profit you make from it then? It will be like a free sample of course. Once you see how much it benefits you, then you can contact me for a new run. How is that?” A long pause with no answer. Was he really sitting here and thinking about this right now? He had only been clean from selling drugs and such for a month or two. In that time, it was you that made him want to stop all of this. Since the moment he met you, he slowly began to change his path...his very steps. Yet...here temptation was knocking on his door. He paused to do the math and there was no question that the money that would come in would be more than they could make in a month on their own. It would be a nice little bonus in the pockets of his men as well. “Just get back to me when you run out. Tell me what you think then.” The line hung up and went idle. Kai mindlessly hung up the phone but his eyes never left the case. He stared at the tiny pink pills for what seemed like ages before finally snapping out of it.

“Just a weeks worth of pushing it. We’ll see where it goes from there.”

»—————————–———————————————————–✄

TIp Jar: https://cash.app/$YuTakeyama

[realchemistry]

Jamie Johnson BAFTA Q&A Full transcript

14:02:35 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Good evening, everyone and welcome to this special BAFTA event as part of Pride Month. I'm Alex Kay-Jelski. I'm the editor in chief of the athletic and I'm going to be moderating a discussion of Jamie Johnson, Tackling Issues Head On.

14:03:09 I'm sure you have seen the incredible episodes that have been airing recently and before we have a great discussion with your panelists. I have bits of housekeeping. Live captioning is available if needed on this, click the option at the bottom of your Zoom panel. Also, we will be taking questions later, because we want to answer your big queries, but to do that, use the Q&A button at the bottom. We will not see you on the chat function.

14:03:44 I will give you a five minute warning to get the questions in and we will get in as many as we can in the next hour. So here we are, Jamie Johnson, what an incredible, incredible few episodes as we saw Dillon comes to terms or start to terms with his sexuality and being gay and coming out in a time of him being a starring footballer and how difficult that was for hill.

14:04:17 I think in a world where a lot of people feel comfortable going to football grounds, not like anyone is allowed at football grounds right now, unfortunately. With people coming to terms with who they are, trying to speak to their family about it, trying to speak to their friends about it. Really moving, fantastic drama.

14:04:39 We're going to talk to the key people and try to explain why it is so important and what effect it had and will continue to have. So I will stop prattling on because you are probably bored of hearing from me because there are far more interesting people to hear from.

14:04:58 We have Shaun Duggan the lead writer on Jamie Johnson. He has been BAFTA nominated alongside of Jimmy from the accused and he is famous for righting the lesbian kiss in brook side. I'm old enough to remember that.

14:05:33 Next, we have actors Laquarn Lewis and Patrick Ward, so hello to you two. We have Cheryl Taylor. Cheryl is the head of content of BBC Children and she commissioned Jamie Johnson and all of the BBC content, that is hard to say when you say it quickly for television and online.

14:06:03 For now, we have Hugo Scheckter who is the head of Player Care of West Ham United. Later, we have an extra because we're going to be joined by the executive producer Anita Burgess who produces Jamie Johnson for BBC. Lots of people with lots of things to say. We should get started, shouldn't we?

14:06:32 I'm going to talk to Shaun first, because I think you're the best persons to answer this question. Jamie Johnson has always been a huge success, we're in series five now, great ratings, lots of interest, telling really, really important stories that reflect sort of the lives of children and teenagers. Why do you think the show has been so popular and why does it engage this audience so well?

14:07:07 >> Shaun Duggan: I think for what you have said and from the outset, we wanted to tell a show that felt very real and reflect the lives of our young audience and not patronize or condescend them. My background is working on soap operas and other stuff and this was rarely the first big show I worked on in children's drama.

14:07:40 I have to say, I didn't approach it any differently. I approached it in the same way as I would an adult drama. Obviously, there are things you have to be careful of in terms of language, but in terms of thinking of challenge in story, thinking about what reflects the young audience as lives, what is important to them and just in terms and I'm sure we'll talk more later about how the whole Dillon story came about.

14:08:08 If I could say from a personal experience, when I was younger, I could I've with the show because I'm football mad, working-class background, I remember my dad carrying me over the turnstiles and slipping the man some cash and all I wanted to do was play football in the street and that is why I was obsessed with going to every game I could.

14:08:39 Then I got to about 11 and things changed because suddenly all I play football with didn't want to be my friend anymore and people started saying I was gay, queer, in the 80'S, I did not know what these things were. It I just knew I was something bad and something to be ashamed of and things got worse where I was not welcome to play football anymore.

14:09:14 People turned their backs on me and all through senior school, for me personally, I had a hellish experience. I left school without any qualifications and not just talking verbal bullying, I'm talking getting beaten up most days, so school became about survival. I couldn't turn to the teachers. You were not allowed to talk about gay issue, I couldn't go  home and tell my own family.

14:10:04 They were homophobic, not homophobic in a bad way, but we didn't know and I know firsthand how isolating and lonely, you know that is to be a young, gay person. I know things have changed to a degree, but in terms of education these things aren't talked enough within school, so to get this opportunity to tell a story like this in children's drama, I have to say a massive thank you to Cheryl and everyone at CBBC. If they don't support it and go along with it, then it wouldn't happen.

14:10:31 I have to say I found it very emotional seeing these stories going out on screen last week, not only that but everything around it, the support on news, the presenters after they talked to the audience and it is OK to be yourself and it made me proud to be a part of it and how far we have come.

14:10:46 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Do you think producing a show like this plays a role a little bit, a small role in helping the next generation of kids who are growing up, teenagers who are coming to terms with who they are, they don't have to go through what you have gone through.

14:11:24 >> Shaun Duggan: Absolutely, it is all cliche really, but if people say, if we telling this story, we can help one person not to feel -- let them know they are not on their own it is really worth doing. You mentioned at the intro, I did the lesbian kiss, which is almost 30 years ago now, but to this day, people who are in their 50s or whatever will approach me and when I meet them and you can tell people are in isolated communities with a traditional family.

14:11:34 The impact of seeing that story line on screen and making it feel less alone and that is so powerful.

14:11:54 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Cheryl, does the BBC have a role to play in that sense in trying to reassure people like this program does and let them know they are not alone? How important is it when you're choosing which programs to put on air does that come into play?

14:12:31 >> Cheryl Taylor: Thanks, Alex. It is really important to us.  Obviously, as a public service board, we are there to inform and to entertain and I think we want the children who are watching our shows to feel good about themselves and feel informed. I think it is key. It sets us apart from other broadcasters and listening to Shaun there, such a powerful story that he has told, not just on Jamie Johnson, but to us here this evening.

14:13:02 I think, I don't know how old Shaun is, but he looks younger than someone who wrote brookside 30 years ago. When I was the age of Patrick and Laquarn, I would not have had any role models and it is fantastic that people are able to write these important stories and we very much want to reflect them.

14:13:31 I have to point out it takes a special kind of writer and special performer to achieve what Jamie Johnson has achieved and the whole production team as well. A lot of people have talked about authenticity at the moment and to hear Shaun talk about the story that has woven into a football series.

14:14:06 Jamie Johnson has been around for a long time and to artfully weave that story, in a sense, I don't think any of the fans or viewers would have felt in a sense they were being preached at or lectured, which I think is amazing. I think Patrick has taken us through Dillon's journey in a way that Shaun has given us the story, a coming of age story, someone finding his identity and that is something all kids will be going through. They will all be looking for signals and for help.

14:14:42 It is hard being a kid and hard growing up, so you know, absolutely, I think the BBC is the platform for this type of story, but fair play to these guys. They told it beautifully. I was seeing the comments on Patrick and Laquarn's Insta and there are people saying this is amazing and this is great to seeing this happen. People have written, what an amazing episode of Jamie Johnson. It is such a valuable series.

14:14:49 I'm grateful to Shaun and all of the team for telling the story so beautifully.

14:15:12 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Shaun, how do you write for a teenage and child audience? How do you get insides of the heads of teenagers and people of that age and make it relevant to them? As been mentioned in this call already, you are not a teenager anymore.

14:15:44 >> Shaun Duggan: No, but I thank Cheryl for the comments they am older than you might realize. I have lots of nieces, nephew, firstly, we have all been teenagers so I have been there. But I have nieces and nephews and so many of my friends' children love Jamie Johnson. In the past, for example, I tried to incorporate stories being relevant.

14:15:58 We had Dillon being diabetic in an earlier series because my friend's daughter was diagnosed with type I diabetes and that is where the idea came from, so you draw from all of those experiences.

14:16:10 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Patrick, do you remember the day they came to you with the idea of this story line and how did that feel? It is quite a responsibility, I guess.

14:16:41 >> Patrick Ward: Sure, I do remember the day, actually, before every series, I would meet with Shaun and Anita and talk about the next year and this idea was brought forward. To be honest, while a lot of people may see it as being a surprise, when you look back over Dillon's journey, it made a lot of sense and as playing Dillon, it felt organic and needed in society as well.

14:16:56 Yeah, definitely, I think that is really important as well, I have younger brothers and sisters who fancy the star and to see their response and other people, it has been brilliant.

14:17:20 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: How many barriers do you think there are to breakdown? For example, hopefully, this makes a lot of people feel more comfortable and better about themselves, but realistically, when you went and told your friends about this twist in Dillon's character, were you nervous about the response that you would get? Has that been positive?

14:17:42 >> Patrick Ward: I suppose you are nervous, for me especially with negative feedback, it is more kind of, like what Shaun was talk about earlier, it shows that it is perform that we're doing this story line. When you see negative feedback, which is not a lot of it to be fair, most of it is positive, but I think it is important.

14:18:03 People around me responded very well and my family was very supportive and is very forward thinking. I was proud to be doing it and I didn't care what other people had to say about it negative thinking, because I'm honored to be a part of it.

14:18:13 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Laquarn, how did you feel that? Do you think Jamie Johnson has a unique way of telling a story like this?

14:18:45 >> Laquarn Lewis: Yeah, I think it is unique in terms of the way he told the story, because any story can educate people on coming out and finding your own sexuality, but Jamie Johnson has done this through an industry which seems to be gay in football, especially and they tackled this on one of their main characters and followed the journey of his homophobic past with himself, his younger brother and dad.

14:19:16 He was only sharing the homophobic because that is what he was used to around his family and maybe his football team, you know, so the fact he had to hold it in for so long and hide who he is because of his passion for football. Jamie Johnson told an amazing story and did an amazing job of getting it across and you can be who you want to be no matter what your dreams are.

14:19:49 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: I think it is great that he was not playing into people's stereotypes as well. Some people like to think what they know what a gay person looks like, talks like, walks like, right, Dillon did not fit the stereotypes. Hugo, I don't know if you had the same thing, but when I came out, a lot of people were like, oh, we didn't see that coming necessarily, which is fine but you wish they had known it was coming because it was less of a surprise.

14:20:06 I think the fact that Dillon was not what some people would expect is a great thing for the audience because it makes them think about their own assumptions and prejudices, if you don't mind.

14:20:31 >> Shaun Duggan: I hope you don't mind me jumping, in but it made the story more interesting. The audience had these expectations of Dillon that someone like him wouldn't be gay, so therefore, that makes it more challenging.

14:20:48 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Yeah, absolutely. Did you, Patrick, Laquarn get involved in the story line or were you good boys and did what you were told?

14:21:07 >> Patrick Ward: Well, we rehearsed beforehand, actually in this house, in the next room. Laquarn came with someone we have known for a long time and rehearsed this kind of thing. I think it is very important as well.

14:21:42 >> Laquarn Lewis: He made us do games where we had to get to know each other really well before we shoot the scenes, so the story that we were telling was truthful. We had to do this one task and we had to look at each other and we couldn't smile and we had to keep pushing each other. He did so many games to get us on to a level where our relationship outside of acting could really like grow for our onset acting and I think that helped a lot.

14:22:10 >> Patrick Ward: I was going to say it is interesting because if you look at Dillon when he meets Elliot, it is like when he first sees him. It is like there is something that goes on insides of his brain. He doesn't understand what it is, but there is something and it is new and it happens very quickly, so I think it is important that me and Laquarn were able to understand each other as people and actors beforehand, definitely.

14:22:28 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Absolutely. We touched on this is a little, Cheryl, but outside of this show, generally, do you feel the BBC has a responsibility to put forward stories that represent underrepresented parts of audiences?

14:23:08 >> Cheryl Taylor: Yes, I was just thinking there when Shaun was talking about Patrick having diabetes just using Jamie Johnson as an example and this is one example of one of many, many dramas that we do. The different storylines that people judge as mainly football drama. We covered Jamie's family and kids looking after sick parents, so young carers, we had the homophobia, we had bullying. Just in that one series, you have a set of writers and producers and commissioners

14:23:50 Who intend to broaden the scope to be as inclusive and relevant as many kids as possible. Someone was talking about we know a lot of girls watch Jamie Johnson as well, so across the piece, it is important that all of our brands have a broad appeal. I think, I know I sound like I'm heaping praise on these wonderful creators but because I think they deserve it in this one drama. Secret life of boys, all of these shows on the surface, you can say this is a comedy, this is a drama.

14:24:19 Under beneath of that, every episode addresses these issues and reflects many of the audience's lives as many as possible and giving them tools and strategies to manage their own lives. I do think suggest a scale and a specialty skill and I don't think anyone watching the show would argue that they have done it incredibly well. It is very important.

14:24:44 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: That is it, isn't it? We can talk about sport and football and LBGTQ relationships in a minute, but Jamie Johnson, this story line is a show about football largely, but the story line is not about football. You can be any young more than or older person who doesn't have the courage to come out or the opportunity to come out and see that.

14:24:59 Hopefully, be confident and inspired by it. This is not about football, right, either of you, this is show to reach out to a much, much wider audience.

14:25:27 >> Cheryl Taylor: As I say it is about identities, rites of passage, coming of age and the journey that Dillon goes on, especially the extraordinary scene with his dad, for any kid, you know who is thinking about a difficult conversation that they might want to have, that would have been key. That would have been crucial and the fact that he goes to speak to Jamie. He reaches out to his friends and gets advice.

14:25:51 That is where the beauty of having Elliot there who has gone through this before, who has to some degree come to terms with his identity and that gives lots of information, lots of hope, useful take out for kids who are watching and feeling uncertainty about their own identity.

14:26:23 >> Shaun Duggan: I think that is, if you don't mind me jumping in again, really important because we established in the story that Dillon's family is homophobic. We ran a story where his little brother was kicked out of the club about making homophobic comments about Ruby's foster parents. We have time to establish that, but it felt important when we brought in Elliot's character that he was coming in from a different place.

14:26:37 He was comfortable in who he was. He says on screen that he had been brought up with gay people, so they had different experiences, but learned from each other's experiences.

14:27:03 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Also for parents, too, right? This is not an easy conversation and not always an expected conversation for parents as well. I think is very hard to know sometimes how to react and how not to react and everyone wants to say they want to be understanding with their children, but some parents may get shocked and surprised and don't react in the most helpful ways.

14:27:13 With that scene in particular with Dillon and his dad is a good thing to pin up on the wall, and go, whatever you do, don't do that.

14:27:39 >> Shaun Duggan: Again, in terms of that is such a powerful scene, very difficult to watch and all of the actors played it so brilliant, but there is quite a pit of the series to go, so although Dillon's dad reacted veried badly, he will have his own journey to go on through the rest of the series.

14:28:18 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Hugo, you sat there patiently and calmly and nodding in the right places, so now you get to talk. Hugo works in west ham. He is in the dressing room with players. He is helping them out. He used to work at Southampton, so he works at various football clubs. He understands football. He is a gay man in football. What did you think watching this and do you think football is a different place than other parts of society?

14:28:56 >> Hugo Scheckter: First of all, it struck me how powerful it was and it was jarring from a kids' TV show. I'm not someone who watched Jamie Johnson on a regular basis before, I don't know if I'm supposed to say that. This was my first expectation of the show, watching cartoons with my nephew. Did not know what to expect, but I thought, wow, this is hard hitting and I was jarred by the whole Dillon and his father's scene.

14:29:24 I think it was absolutely fantastic to highlight that. In terms of football, I think it's a different environment in a lot of ways, but negative and positive. I think a lot of people see football as this horrible, you know, macho, alpha-male environment. The changing room is one of the most diverse groups of people you can meet.

14:30:08 We've got on the team, for example, a guy from the republic of Congress go who is friends with a Scottish guy and a Hawaiian guy and you probably don't see that in society on a general basis. I think seeing the role molls come -- models coming out, but you're seeing it in the lockdown, but allies and I think people have spoken openly and eloquently about the importance of the rainbow campaign or openly gay players or role models.

14:30:42 For me, I was in the closet and I came out about two or three years into Southampton. My job is to look after players and the families and I was trying to get the players to trust me without sharing all of myself. Once I did, the relationship was so much closer and even today at lunch, I had a player ask me about my coming out and how I realized and he talked about how he would react if his kids came out.

14:31:14 That is a conversation that you would not expect to be in a changing room or a club and the amount of discussions we had about LBGTQ issues or trans issues, I'm not shaggymane expert, but I'm a resource and I think it is hugely encouraging and it means they are inquisitive people. I think they get a bad rap and I'm 100% sure who came out would be fully accepted in the change room.

14:31:44 Players want you to be a good person and a good player and if you can 10 us stay in the league or other teams' cases, higher up in the league, that is all that matters. It does not matter who you are or what you do in your free time, what religion you are or sexual orientation, it does not matter as long as you're a good person or a good player. I think football gets a worse rap than it deserves at times.

14:32:22 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: I would counter it to be the awkward person to say going to football is the only place I would not hold my husband's hand in public. It is one thing to know what it is like in the dressing room and that is fascinating, it is another thing to walk into a football stadium and the atmosphere and the words that you hear there, whether it is racist stuff, homophobic stuff, football as a sport has a long, long way to go percent. Sports has a long way to go. There are not out

14:32:59 Is not a great place. You say it was Dillon's line in the episode, there is no out -- no out footballer in this country, how can I sort of come out and be successful and that is the crux of that is a big part of the episode, isn't it? It is a really complex question because the worst thing that can happen people endlessly talking about it and the witchhunt of we need gay footballs. Who is the gay footballer?

14:33:14 I think the narrative needs to be a welcoming environment so people feel comfortable and that may take another generation's time.

14:33:53 >> Hugo Scheckter: There are gay women footballers in the west ham. You know what, yeah, I can talk to my experience in the changing room. To be honest, I go to every game we play and I don't hear the negativity. I think there is a lot of discussion in football about this banter and from an outsider's point of view, especially in the change room, it can be seen as negative. The way I felt was the players did not joke about anything, whether it was my sexuality or whatever else,

14:34:20 My hair, my weight, or whatever it is, that means they accept me. If it is like, don't talk about gay stuff that is like they don't accept me. I had players saying can I make a gay joke to you and I say as long as you make it to my face and prepare for me to come back at you and I think that is a little bit of a difference in football environment where other industries it would not be acceptable.

14:34:46 At the end of the day, we are focused of doing one thing, which is winning matches and we have a match tomorrow. We're all focused on that we're not worried about what everyone is doing around that. We're worried about everything is doing everything they can to beat Chelsea or get a point at this point, but it is important that we work together for that one goal.

14:35:06 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Just a quick, not warning as such, advisory, that we will probably start the questions in a few minutes. I can see there are few in there. If you want to ask these lovely, almost interesting people questions, make sure you get them so we can make you as happy as possible.

14:35:18 What is acting like in comparison, Laquarn, Patrick, do you feel that is a welcoming environment for people to be themselves?

14:35:54 >> Laquarn Lewis: Well, I feel like it. Yeah, there is, but there is a lot of discrimination in the acting industry, it is not just football. I feel like, especially with type casting that is very hard in the industry, because if you act or look a certain way then it is most likely you're going to get put for this same character over and over again. It is good to just play something different to yourself and get that opportunity.

14:36:07 It is getting better in the industry, but like I said, I'm happy to play whatever, especially this role right here, because I'm helping so many people, so I'm -- thank you, yeah.

14:36:13 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Have you had people get in touch with you to say it has helped?

14:36:17 >> Laquarn Lewis: You can do this one, Patrick.

14:36:49 >> Patrick Ward: Yeah, yeah, definitely, it has been mostly positive and that is the benefit thing for me is seeing people with a message saying this has helped me come to terms with this or this helped me speak about this and that is all we're trying to achieve and just I'm proud watching the episode because everyone did such a good job. It has been fantastic and see how people have responded in a good way.

14:36:57 There has been some negativity, but a lot of people have taken it positive.

14:37:18 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: One person who is in a great position to explain a little bit more about the reception that this story line has got is Anita. So Anita Burgess, for those who were not here at the beginning of the conversation, Anita. Hello, Anita. Good evening. Nice to see you.

14:37:21 >> Anita Burgess: Hello. Nice to see you, too.

14:37:35 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Anita is the executive producer of the show. You must be absolutely fantastic the repping you have had, I would love to hear from your perspective.

14:38:11 >> Anita Burgess: It has been amazing actually. I'm known as someone who cries a lot and the reception has made me cry a lot even for me. It has been overwhelming. I think as Patrick was saying largely positive. I mean almost entirely positive, the 1% have their other views and that is there and that has to be acknowledged, but I found, I think as what was said, the most moving ones are the positive ones.

14:38:39 People feel for the first time there is something on screen that they recognize themselves in and it helps them and the complements about how the story has been handled and us not talking down to people, that sense of what we're trying to do is empower and educate and get the word out there to help people who are already in this position.

14:38:53 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: How would you not talk down to people? What are things that you can do so it does not come across as patronizing? What are things in your head as a producer to say don't do this?

14:39:30 >> Anita Burgess: We are mindful of the audience and the age they are, so you explain things and make it clear to not -- what you're trying to do is use language that they would understand, but not treat them kind of too young. I think the simplicity of the story comes from truth. It comes from Shaun's experiences.

14:39:44 Making sure the research is as thorough as possible, so we are representing the truth as much as we can, I think it is about that, so don't talk down is just be honest and clear as best we can.

14:40:10 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: That is brilliant. I think it is time we put you to the sharks and answer some questions, really. There are quite a few of them. I'm going to try to do something if I press a button, they might come up on the screen. I'm going to apologize in advance if I get that wrong and someone will tell me if I'm doing this wrong.

14:40:42 So Dillon's storyline has been gripping, someone says. Beautifully written and amazingly active. Lots of compliments. This is best directed to you, Cheryl, of CBC producing a series with younger audiences where being LBGTQ plus being the center of the show? Can you, not target, but get this message to a younger audience?

14:41:13 >> Cheryl Taylor: Thank you for the question. As I was saying earlier, obviously CBC is the preschool channel and we have 6-12, to some degree we're limited to the type of lens we can put on sexuality, obviously, and as I mentioned earlier, a lot around your identity is something that we can explore. It has to be done in a certain way, because we have quite a wide age group.

14:41:47 I think the way this story is played out from 9-12 and above has been perfect, so depending on how someone wrote a story and type of character that they highlighted, I think anything is possible. Our central messages are about tolerance and inclusion and that people should feel OK about being themselves and I think you can get those messages across in many, many different ways, as to say for preschool age.

14:41:54 It would depend on the type of character and how they were portrayed, but essentially, yes, absolutely.

14:41:59 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Since you're talking, you can answer the next question.

14:42:00 >> Cheryl Taylor: Go.

14:42:22 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Shaun might have an opinion as well. How long did it take to develop the idea and were you nervous about it? The person here, he says he produced when Andrew Hayden Smith came out and people were nervous that people like parents would complain. Were you aware of that or, no, we're doing the right thing?

14:42:51 >> Cheryl Taylor: I wasn't nervous, actually, that is partly to do with the team. Again as I mentioned this there are a lot of tricky storylines in Jamie Johnson and our other dramas. Anita, Shaun, everyone is very, very experienced and I knew they would handle it really well and similarly, the commissioning editor, Amy and her team would have explained the storylines with Anita.

14:43:25 That is one part of it and going back to Patrick, Patrick is such a key, key character in Jamie Johnson and he has taken on so many different things, so right from the beginning. I remember Anita telling me Patrick embraced the idea because he felt it was so important. Genuinely, we knew the team, there might have been a few more question marks, but with this team we did not have any anxiety.

14:44:06 Anita and Amy in presentation and talked to the press and introducing it and Patrick introduced it and pushing to news rounds and also on social media kind of making sure there were links there to child life or the other kids that might be watching who were worried and going through new experiences. Across the piece, everyone was so empathetic that it might be a troublesome story line, and they did brilliant work to make sure it was embedded in the right way.

14:44:23 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Brilliant. Shaun, this one is for you. This person is called anonymous attendee, who I don't think is their real name, how important is it for LBGTQ stories to have a happy ending?

14:44:46 >> Shaun Duggan: Incredibly important, as far as I'm concerned. In the past, we have seen so many examples, you know, where there is a tragic ending and to be honest because that is reflected reality, because it has been in the past incredibly hard to be gay in this country. It was only in the 1960's, it was legal to be gay.

14:45:11 In the 80'S, we had the AIDS epidemic and you couldn't discuss being gay in school, so it is only in the past 20 or so years, we have been on this incredible journey and we are in a position now where we can tell these positive stories that reflect real people's lives.

14:45:31 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: I think when you grow up a gay teenager there is a lot of feeling that you won't have all of the things that people laid out for other people. I grew up thinking I'm not going to get married and not have kids and I'm going to be unhappy. Having hope.

14:46:11 >> Shaun Duggan: For me being able to tell it, I talked about being bullied at school. I was 21 before I came out. That ad less scents that most people have, I didn't have. It was stolen from me. It gives me so much hope that young people have the confidence to talk sexuality and build on those.

14:46:45 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: I'm being asked by Christopher, how have your peers responded to you playing this role? Obviously, Laquarn, you mentioned discrimination in industry. Have actors been supportive in what you have done? Lincoln people around me like my friends and family and people who watch have really supported me and and there is nothing far from like myself. Elliot is just like myself.

14:47:19 >> Laquarn Lewis: I -- so my friends have always been supportive, but I chose to wait until I left secondary school to tell them what my sexuality was, because I knew in secondary schools, if you are different in any way shape or form whether that is sexuality, disability, you will be brutalized and it is a horrible thing. I already knew I was going to wait until then. I was worried about my friends and what they would think as well.

14:47:46 When I told them, I have never seen such amazing support of people and doing this right now in the show, they have picked me up so much. They said the bravery it takes to be able to be open about your sexuality and then do this and silt just amazing and I thank everyone around me really.

14:47:51 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Patrick, anything to add or is that an impossible act to follow?

14:48:22 >> Patrick Ward: That is summed up perfectly. A different thing for me, this story line, but everybody around me has been very supportive. There are people I know, to be fair, from school or who you see out who haven't -- made comments, but as a reality, for me, you have conversations about this and able to express and I think it has been already.

14:48:43 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Someone sells asking, when you're doing a story line like this, are you given any help or claiming in terms or warnings about how to deal with the response afterwards on social media? It is hard to know what things are going to be like, right?

14:49:12 >> Laquarn Lewis: Yeah, we have had Zoom sessions with Anita and Shaun and BBC, everyone involved in making Jamie Johnson and particularly, this storyline, they have given us guidelines and a draft response to people who are giving us hate and BBC says we don't respond to this. We have been helped really well.

14:49:50 >> Patrick Ward: I think that is spot on that it has been interesting that I have been doing this for quite a while and I remember being 12 and in a room and talking about social media before I had ever been on TV and people saying, this is -- you're going to have this kind of response and this kind of thing and I remember being mind blown. It now a part of reality on how to respond with these things. I have a strict code of conduct with my social media and mostly what we have had ha fantast

14:50:26 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: There is one question that has been asked more than anything else, so we're going to save it to the end. We're going to go to a tough one and Shaun and Anita, you are probably best place to ask this. Someone said a line that jumped out to me, I think this is in the scene with Dillon and his dad, you are gay or you're not. Should we be telling people that identities aren't binary?

14:50:52 >> Shaun Duggan: I think with that line, you're writing truthfully from Dillon's dad's perspective. He hasn't got this great understand on of the subject and it is the kind of thing that he might say and not everyone is 100% gay. A lot of people are, a lot of people aren't, a lot of people in the middle.

14:51:32 Dillon is actually trying to tell his dad the truth and his dad is making it as difficult as possible for him, so I think I would rather focus on the positive message and the scenes that we have between Dillon and Elliot, where there was so much positive materials spoken about rather than focusing on Dillon's dad, who at this stage is homophobic and ignorant and a bigot, really.

14:52:05 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: This question is from a teacher and she says if she teaches things about homophobia or transgender issues, she gets parents saying she is trying to make them that way and we hear this quite a lot, right? If you tell people about transgender people, you're going to make them transgender. She is asking, have you had any of that or generally people been a lot lovier?

14:52:38 >> Shaun Duggan: If I could just say from my perspective on that, again, talking about what I was saying earlier, from being born to 12-13, I did not see any gay representation on TV I did not know what gay people were. I still became gay. If you go on that lodge you can, I should be an heterosexual, because I should have been inspired by boys and girls, but I wasn't. I still became gay.

14:52:54 You have to be careful when you have the debates, don't you of just having an open mind. At the end of the day, you know instinctively what you are from an a young age.

14:53:23 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Begs the question, if I watch enough "Game of Thrones" will by a weird person and run around with a spear in my hand?  Not sure how that works. This question is for Cheryl from Miriam. She says in children's media, it can be hard to get certain things to air. With this story line, you had to tweak it or limit it in order for it to get to that stage or were you allowed to be fairly free with it?

14:53:57 >> Cheryl Taylor: Thanks for your question, Miriam. I think that goes back to the one we answered earlier, which was, I think the teams, s Anita and Amy and Shaun were looking at getting the story across in an age appropriate way. We is 6-12, so we need to make sure it is age appropriate.

14:54:38 Generally, there are some things I get exercised about, along with Katherine McAllister and I think pat and Laquarn was mentioning and we talked to her if we worried about a story line. Because this one, series five, coming from Shaun's personal experience and a specialty team, I didn't have any concerns about that.

14:55:12 >> Anita Burgess: Can I jump in as well, because I think it is important that people can understand how the producer coming to the BBC with this story, it wasn't something that we thought oh, we're not going to be able to do that. We knew the team would be very willing to talk to us and they did and we had a very in-depth discussion all the way along the line, they were incrediblably supportive of making sure this is age appropriate and the clarity was there, but the truth was there.

14:55:31 I think all credit it to the BBC if there is a perception that there is something you can't do there, that is not the case. There is always a conversation to be had there and they have been enormously supported right from the start.

14:55:50 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Hugo, young footballers coming through as teenagers, do they get a good education in being open minded? I can't remember how much they are in school and how much they are not at school. How do young sports people get taught how to be open minder?

14:56:17 >> Hugo Scheckter: I don't think we teach them to be open minded, I think we teach them a variety of life skills that leads them to being open minds, which was the idea. They are meeting people that they would not have met through their normal lives and I think that is a positive experience, but we also make sure everything we are doing that is appropriate and talk about the social media guidelines that the actors go through.

14:56:43 We go through the same thing, not only in the things they put out, but what they receive and we have had a number of issues with various comments getting to our players and having to deal with that. I think you can't maybe teach -- you can teach open mindness, but that is not our goal. Our goal is to make well-rounded people who are also excellent footballers.

14:57:06 We haven't seen issues in the any of the clubs I worked with where players are not accepting each other or having problems with each other it. Tends to be they competed on a position, where two goalkeepers competing for one position, but not the personality of the major clashes that happens at younger ages.

14:57:25 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: I reckon apart from the one person who is asking if they can play football with Patrick, we have time for two more questions. Laquarn, Patrick, what have you learned from filming these scenes?

14:57:49 >> Patrick Ward: I think a lot. These are the scenes I was looking forward to the most. When you get the scripts, especially the ones, obviously we rehearsed a lot, but I learned a lot as an actor and I am not able to prescription it very well because it is an organic process and try to embed yourself into it.

14:58:01 I like to think of it being modern and I think you learn a lot from this kind of thing, especially as a new actor.

14:58:04 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Laquarn, over to you.

14:58:40 >> Laquarn Lewis: I think it is -- it shows a way of how somebody can cope with coming out and how they deal with telling people and stuff and what I have learned from filming this and getting out there to people is, it doesn't have to be someone on the screen. You can be the person in real life to support your friend. All it takes you to ask them if they are OK and they might all of a sudden tell you that or anything.

14:58:55 If you just support people around you then you know it is something to help them that little bit more to be themselves.

14:59:11 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: So the last question of the night, the question that everyone is asking in this Q&A and we have to ask wow getting in trouble, is Elliot coming back? Who is answering that question?

14:59:28 >> Anita Burgess: I guess that is me, isn't it? We're hopeful. Things are in the process at the moment. Things aren't completely finished yet, but we're hopeful to find a way of continuing it somehow.

14:59:33 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Laquarn, you're in luck. It is a night to celebrate.

14:59:35 >> Anita Burgess: He might not want to.

14:59:37 >> Laquarn Lewis: I would. I would.

15:00:14 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: There you go. It is a job acceptance live on air. Thank you so much all of you for your time, your questions, your excellent answers. I have enjoyed it and I hope you have as well. There are a lot of people struggling out there, as well, if you know them, I recommend the charities, it takes so much work to help people in relation to storylines like this, absolutely massive.

[chipper9906]

Bound To You - Chapter 10: Secret In Plain Sight

< - - - Previous Chapter

WARNING: SPOILERS FOR SEASON 15

NOTE: Pairings and Ratings Will Change As Story Is Updated

Pairings: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester

Rating: General Audiences

Chapter Word Count: 6,616

Overall Word Count: 77,283

Status: Multi Chapter Fic - In Progress (10/?)

Chapter Preview:

They very nearly end up running Sam over as they clash in the bend of the hallway, Sam having shot up and raced towards Eileen’s shouts the second he heard them.

“What’s going on?” Sam demands, frantic eyes darting between Eileen and Dean.

“Ask her,” Dean replies, jabbing a thumb behind him towards Eileen. “Your girlfriend started banging on my door at ass o’clock in the morning and took me for a joyride…”

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Character Key For Telepathic Conversations

'Italic Text' - Castiel

'Bold Text' - Dean

  Eileen had been at it for hours now. Having long since given up combing over research in the library, she had retreated to Sam’s their bedroom, bringing with her a few relevant looking books and documents to read over in comfort. There’s only so long you can spend in those hard wooden chairs before your back starts screaming at you…

Sam was still diligently focused on their research, only giving her a small shake of his head when she had asked him if he wanted to take a break, focused solely on the book in front of him. She had been planning to take a break herself – perhaps even catch a few winks of sleep – but seeing Sam so devoted to finding an answer… she knew she’d just feel like crap if she left him to do all the research himself.

Dean had practically disappeared to his bedroom shortly after the red-haired witch had left. Not that she can blame him. She knew how much both her and Sam liked to tease Dean about his whole thing with Cas and – truth be told – she’s not one hundred percent sure that him and Cas are even a thing yet; it’s not like Dean is the kind of guy to talk openly about his relationships. Still, even without Cas being in a physical form, without the usual shy glances and timid touches she caught between them in private moments… she could still see how much Dean cared for Cas. How much he means to him, how much… well, how much he loves him. Even if Dean doesn’t quite realize it himself -or, as she hopes it to be – knows but doesn’t like talking to them about it.

Finding out that your best friend has a literal death timer hanging over his head, and with what seems like every solution being a dead-end… she’s not surprised Dean had slinked off to be alone for a while.

Well… probably not alone, but within company of the only person he wants to be around right now.

And so now… now they’re left with this impossible-seeming task that they somehow have to do within a time limit of anywhere between a month to only a few weeks. And the crazy thing is how desperate she feels to find a way to save Cas, too. It’s crazy, because… well, she hasn’t known Cas for all that long. A few brief encounters with the angel here and there, in the occasional times that he dropped by in the bunker. Yet, despite that brief time… she’s come to care for the angel. Maybe it’s the brother's love for him that rubbed off on her, maybe it’s seeing Sam and Dean work themselves into a grave to find a solution; maybe it’s something as simple as Cas being a good guy, and she likes him. Either way, she’s found herself situated in this odd, dependent, multi-species family, and she’s going to do all she can to keep this family together.

The book in her lap felt like it was getting heavier and heavier, likely branding her skin with it’s raised gold letters as the minutes ticked by with the heavy block of paper sat atop legs. It wasn’t the only thing that was getting heavier; her eyelids had been fighting her resolve to stay awake for a few hours now, finding it harder and harder to fight gravity as her body shouts its protests.

“Alright,” She grunts, closing the book hard enough that it made an audible ‘thud’, tapping her fingers along the hard cloth cover. “Guess I’m doing this…”

Praying was… not too common of a thing for her. Having been raised in the hunter life ever since she can remember, fueled by the reminder of her parent’s and the creature that killed them – and had left her unable to hear - the thought of there being a God out there seemed unbelievable. Ridiculous, even. How could a God leave the Earth in such a state? How could a God let his creation be tainted by such vicious creatures, hunting down his children in the night, a stain on the beautiful world he had created? Of course, now she knows that God got a kick out of that kind of stuff…

Things are different now, though. God is gone. No, not gone – replaced. Replaced by the son of Lucifer - no, no that’s not right. She knows Jack is more than that. She knows from Sam’s sad, soft smiles when he talks of him, of the pained sheen in Dean’s eyes at any mention of Jack that he was more than just his genetics. Jack is… Jack is their kid. There was no other way to describe him, really. It didn’t matter that they weren’t of the same blood, or even entirely of the same species. The Winchesters had taken him into their home, had raised him, taught him what it’s like to be human.

Made him a Winchester.

“Hey, um… God. Or is it still Jack? I’m not sure what you prefer…” Eileen begins, unsure whether she should have her hands clasped together in prayer for this to work. She does it anyway, just to be on the safe side. “I, uh…. I never actually got to meet you. I was dead when you were born… then you were dead when I was brought back, then I left when you were brought back… we uh, kind of kept missing each other.”

Eileen couldn’t help but laugh awkwardly at that. Or was it more of a nervous laughter? She couldn’t quite tell… “I know that we don’t really know each other, but… I think it’s safe to say we have shared friends… family, even. I don’t know how much you know of what’s going on – I mean, I know God is supposed to know all but considering Chuck needed my eyes to see what was happening in the bunker, maybe not? It’s… I don’t know how it works, if you’re keeping an eye on us down here or you’re busy doing other stuff, but…”

Eileen sighs, closing her eyes and resting her head against her clasped hands. “Things aren’t looking good, Jack. And I know there’s probably no point to this seeing as Sam, Dean and Cas must have prayed to you a billion times already, but… I thought I’d give it a shot anyway. Cas, uh… Cas isn’t doing too good. He doesn’t have much time left, and… it feels like he could go at any second. I know from all the stories Sam’s told me that you and Cas… you were pretty much a mini him. Both of you always trying to do your best… just wanting to be good. And I know that Cas, he… he always had your back. Even before you were born, even in the times… the times that Dean and Sam were unsure… I guess what I’m trying to say is… Cas needs your help. It just feels like after everything, isn’t this something we deserve? Something Cas deserves? After all these years, all they want is some sense of normality. As close as you can get to it in this life, anyway… And I know you were only three or something, but… I think we could both see how much Cas and Dean mean to each other. Losing Cas… yeah, it would hurt big time for me and Sam. Losing a friend for me, losing a best friend for Sam… but if Dean has to lose Cas? Again? I just… I don’t want to think about what that’s going to be like. I know he’s trying to stay strong in the face of everything, including dealing with his injury… but I think having Cas here with him has been what’s keeping him going.”

Eileen pulled her head away from her hands, tilting her head up to the burning bright glow of the ceiling light, closing her eyes to shield them from the piercing light. “Listen, I can’t even begin to try and understand what it must be like to be God. All that responsibility, all that power you suddenly have to handle… It must be overwhelming. You’re trying your best, I know that. Sam’s said about how you weren’t going to be involved anymore, but… we’re running out of options here Jack, and I… I can’t see how you’d happily sit back and watch Cas die; let him go back to the Empty to suffer for eternity. You might be God, but you’re still part human. You still care for Cas, I know it. So please. Please, just… help us. Help Cas. Do something.”

She peels her eyes open as the second tick by in silence, tilting her head back down and glancing around the empty room. Empty. Not a God-child in sight. She hadn’t truly been expecting for anything to happen, yet it still felt like a punch to the gut. It would be too easy for them, wouldn’t it? A tap of the fingers from Jack and all their problems would just disappear…

Above her, the light on the ceiling flickers. One single flicker, a split second where the bulb dims before returning to its full brightness. Eileen pulls herself out of bed with a tired sigh and a grumble of: “Damn old bunker…” The bulb flickers again, and again, and Eileen reaches up on her tiptoes to tap at the old glass bulb. The flickering stops the second her fingers come into contact with it, and she remains there for a few moments, waiting to see if it would flicker once more.

Satisfied she had solved the problem for the time being, she turns back around to climb back into bed, ready to call it a night. Her gaze drops down to a single piece of paper sat upon the floor, that she must have kicked off the bed as she stood up to fix the bulb. She plucks it up from the ground, recognizing it as the file of the angel experiment, the one that Sam and Dean’s grandfather had a part to play in…

Eileen drops back down into her bed with paper still in hand, eyes scanning curiously over the thick document. There was still something so strange to her about this document. Perhaps it was a bit odd to get so caught up on the thickness level of a piece of paper, but something about it was just… calling to her. Begging for her attention. She leans back against the headboard of the bed, holding the paper in front of her as her gaze drifts across the neatly printed words.

Her gaze freezes in place as she lifts the paper up, blocking the light of the ceiling. As the light shone through the thick paper, she could see… words. Blurred, tiny words… that were hidden behind the words on the front of the page.

“Oh my God…” She mumbles, scrambling up to her feet. She holds the piece of paper closer to the light, shifting the angle of the paper to see more and more blurred words stretching out across the width of the page.

There was something inside the page.

Eileen rushes to her duffle bag, throwing the zip open and searching through its contents until she found the swiss army knife she keeps tucked away. She flicks the small blade open, making a small incision into the side of the thick paper, carefully sawing across the side until it had been fully opened. Sure enough, when she shakes the thick piece of paper over the bed, another piece of paper falls out. This paper was much thinner than the other, only slightly smaller, and filled with writing almost too small to see.

She brings the paper as close to her face as she can without her eyes losing focus, squinting harshly as she tries to make out the tiny text. She scans across the passages as fast as she can, trying to get somewhat of an understanding of what this extra, seemingly hidden addition to the original file could be.

“This is…” She whispers to herself, eyes slowly widening as she realizes what she’s holding.

Within seconds she’s racing out of their room, not feeling the slightest bit guilty for banging against Dean’s door and waking him as she went. “DEAN! SAM! I FOUND SOMETHING!”

* * *

Dean shot awake with a strangled gasp, the last dregs of sleep clinging on tight as he blearily looks around the darkened room. His body is directing him over to his wheelchair before he can fully process it, not entirely sure if the shouts he heard from Eileen were because of something good, or of some sort of trouble within the bunker.

‘What the - - you hear what she said, Cas?’

‘I’m still rather disorientated from the sudden awakening, but… it almost sounded like she said she found something?’

Dean grunted in response, Cas's answer aligning with what he thought he’d heard himself.

Eileen was still banging incessantly against his door, the sound way too long considering he had been fast asleep about thirty seconds ago. Dean drops into his wheelchair with a pained grunt, pushing himself towards the door with half-closed eyes.

“What are you-,”

“We need to get Sam,” Eileen cuts him off the second he gets the door open, rushing around behind him and grabbing hold of the wheelchair's handles. Dean startles awake just a little bit more at the sudden push behind him, hanging onto his wheelchair for grip as Eileen races towards the library.

They very nearly end up running Sam over as they clash in the bend of the hallway, Sam having shot up and raced towards Eileen’s shouts the second he heard them.

“What’s going on?” Sam demands, frantic eyes darting between Eileen and Dean.

“Ask her,” Dean replies, jabbing a thumb behind him towards Eileen. “Your girlfriend started banging on my door at ass o’clock in the morning and took me for a joyride…”

“I think I’ve found something,” Eileen pants, gesturing with her head for Sam to follow as she continues towards the library.

“You found something? What, like, something that will help Cas?” Sam asks, jogging behind Eileen as they burst into the library.

“I think so, yeah,” Eileen answers, parking Dean in front of the table before pulling the folded piece of paper out of her back pocket. “You remember that file on the angel experiment? The exorcism one with the explosives?”

“Not gonna forget it…” Dean mumbles under his breath.

“Something about that file just felt weird to me. Just now, I held the paper up the light, and I could see there was something inside the paper! It was like a secret compartment or something!” Eileen waves the paper at them. “I cut it open and this was inside it!”

Eileen shoves the piece of paper into Sam’s hands, who still looked a tad bit disorientated about the sudden change of events. “Go ahead, read it!”

Sam’s head snapped towards his older brother, taking in the smallest glimmer of hope that sat behind his eyes. Sam quickly shuffled over to the table, unfolding the piece of paper and flattening out the creases as much as he could, the two of them leaning over the file as they tried to read the small writing.

‘I imagine this will get me into heaps of trouble if I was to ever be caught… but to be frank, I do not give much of a damn.

When Sinclair came to me with his proposition… I couldn’t turn it down. They’ve barely trusted me with much more than maid’s work around the bunker, so to be offered a chance to take part in an official experiment; How could I say no?

Of course, I should have started asking questions when Sinclair avoided giving me any details on the nature of the experiment… I thought we were going to be doing a good thing. That we would rid that man of the angelic parasite attached to him.

Instead… we blew an innocent man into pieces. We took away his chance of life. We took him away from his family, people who loved and would miss him… All in the name of so-called ‘necessary research’. Sinclair didn’t even seem to care. The only reason for his frustration being that the experiment failed, that he was wrong on a subject, not that we had killed someone. Which we did. We killed that man, and the Men of Letters didn’t even blink an eye.

I tried to move past it. Told myself that these were the kind of things I would have to deal with in this institution. Except… I’ve been unable to get it out of my head. The moment Sinclair pressed that button… the sight of that man reduced to chunks has been haunting my dreams. And the smell… my god, the smell… A mix of burning flesh and raw, bloody meat… makes me heave just thinking of it.

I did not know who to confide in, if anyone. They would likely tell me to man up and get over myself. I may even risk being kicked out -  if that’s even an option… So, I have kept my worries to myself. I harbored all the guilt, all the blame for that man’s death until I could no more.

I told myself I would find a way to fix this. I would bring that man back, give him back the life he deserved to live. I know it was foolish of me to assign myself this task, that too many things could have gone wrong… And yet, I did it anyway.

I had to hire the help of a witch to aid me in this endeavor… perhaps the worst part of this whole thing. Dealing with someone who so willingly delves into such arts felt as if I was poisoning myself, but it was a necessity. Her name was Annika Whitmore. Still a young thing, not the old hagged witches you typically see portrayed in the fairytales. She was perfectly respectful I suppose; well mannered and eager to help. And I suppose, and the end of everything… she’s found me something.’

The words tapered off there, reaching the end of the thin piece of paper. Sam and Dean looked to each other in a mixture of shock and disappointment; shocked that there may be a lead after all, but disappointed that this was seemingly all that had been written.

“It ends there?” Sam asks Eileen, turning his head to the side to face her. “That’s it?”

Eileen responds by rolling her eyes at him, grabbing the page by its side and flipping the piece of paper over to reveal another page of writing.

“Oh…” Sam’s face flushes, awkwardly clearing his throat and giving his brother a disgraced glance out of the corner of his eye before continuing to read the passage.

‘The spell is, thankfully, fairly simple to perform. A few common ingredients along with some that are… more difficult to come by. Thankfully, I already have possession of such ingredients. Then, it is simply a matter of speaking the correct incantation. Or, so I’ve been told. I suppose I will not know until I perform the ritual. I am fully aware that what I am doing is, unquestionably, the wrong move to make. Logically, and for the safety of myself and my peers, I should not be doing this. However, it is morally what’s right, and as such, I will be unable to rest peacefully until I’ve at least attempted the spell.

Who knows? Maybe this will work. Or, if the space under this is left empty… it went horribly, horribly wrong…

Update: It has been three weeks since I last left an update. In that time, I have collected all the ingredients necessary for the spell, and perfected the incantations and sigils required.

One such ingredient I was told was required was the angel’s grace. Sneaking that out from under Sinclair’s nose was certainly no easy task. And I imagine finding an excuse as to where it disappeared to will be an even greater challenge…

After all my efforts… I was finally able to undertake the ritual to bring this man back to the world of the living.

I do not have the words for it, really. Other than… it did not go as I had hoped. For a moment… I thought it had. The body was there. Laying atop the Enochian sigil, as naked as the day he had been born. But… there was nothing. He was alive, yes. But those eyes… those dead eyes… He was alive, but he wasn’t truly alive. Nothing more than a shell, a failed recreation of the man he once was. I do not know why I overlooked such a thing… of course the body would be empty; his soul would still remain to whichever plane of existence it had been reaped to.

This, however… this was different. I’ve read the encounters the Men of Letters have had with soulless bodies. They were… well, I wouldn’t say themselves, but there was still a hint of the person they once were there, just… with their humanity gone. Their sense of good and evil, of doing what’s best for others, not solely for themselves.

What came back? It had no semblance to the man he once was. Nothing but… an empty copy. No emotions, no sense of awareness. When I looked to him, he stared straight past me.

I have not told my superiors of this experiment. And they have no need to know. For the creature I have created… I decided the best course of action would be to put it out of its misery. To live like that – if you can even call it that – is not a life worth living. There wasn’t even a hint of fear in its eyes when I leveled the revolver to its face. In fact… I would almost say there was a thankfulness there.

I have left the spell below. My hope is that someday… someone worthy will find it. Someone who can expand upon the work I have done, to find an answer… or, at the very least, find an answer to Sinclair’s previous experiment so that this one never needs to be performed again.

I do not know what else to write on this other than… I tried, Sir. I tried to bring you back to your family. I hope you are at peace, wherever it is that you are.

I’m sorry.’

“This is it…” Dean breathes out in his shock. “This is… it’s what we were looking for, isn’t it? Recreating the vessel so it’s able to sustain life, but not need a soul?”

Dean reaches out to pull the paper closer, timidly pulling it towards him in the fear the eighty-year-old paper would crumble apart under his fingertips.

“I can’t believe it…” Sam says, turning wide, stunned eyes over to Eileen, his face breaking out into an ecstatic grin – one that she happily returns. “Eileen, you – you did it!”

Eileen chuckles warmly when Sam practically envelops her into a bone-crushing hug, disappearing underneath layers of flannel. “I lucked out, is all.”

“Doesn’t matter if it was luck,” Dean tells her once she unpeels herself from Sam. “It was you that found it. Without you… We would never have found this. And if we did… it’d probably be when it’s too late.”

‘Cas, this is…’

‘I know.’

This ‘I know’ was different from the one last night. Castiel’s voice in his mind was different now. One of cautious hope, rather than acceptance and surrender. There was going to be so many questions on the legitimacy of this spell, and whether it’d actually work, but… right now, it felt like an answer. It felt like safety.

It felt like Cas was saved.

“I think we’ve got more of the main ingredients in the supplies, too,” Sam picks up the piece of paper to double-check, eyes scanning across the actual spell. “Yeah! Most of these we can gather up from – oh…”

Dean’s head shot up at his little brothers disheartened sounding ‘oh’, glancing nervously back and forth between Sam and the paper he held. “What do you mean ‘oh?’ What’s wrong?”

“Say’s here that one of the main ingredients to the spell is… the angel's grace. Pretty much a third of what the spell relies on.”

‘ Makes sense…’

‘It does?’

‘Every vessel we possess leaves… I suppose you could call it a mark. An imprint on our grace. That connection between grace and vessel is likely what gives the spell most of its power.’

Dean conveys this information over to Sam and Eileen, who only appear more worried at the news. Sam sighs, scratching at the stubble growing across his cheeks. “With the experiment Sinclair used… he extracted nearly all of the angel's grace. Grandpa then used that grace for the spell. That was nearly the angel’s entire amount of grace, but with Cas…?”

“He’s already running on fumes…” Dean mumbles in realization. “So, what – it won’t work?”

“I don’t know,” Sam answers honestly. “Grandpa didn’t note how much of the grace he used – or how much was required.”

“Any chance we can track down the witch?” Eileen asks. “Maybe she’d be willing to help?”

Sam hurried back over to his seat, dropping the paper onto the table and pulling his discarded laptop closer before opening its lid. His fingers tap across the keys, eyes darting across the screen once he hits enter. Immediately, his face drops at what he reads, leaning back against his chair and wiping a hand across his mouth. “No good… she was labeled as ‘missing’ back in fifty-seven… by the Government, anyway. But according to the Men of Letters files-,” Sam turned the laptop around, showing Eileen and Dean an old, grainy, black and white photo of a pile of ash. “-She is officially dead. Taken out by their hunters…”

Dean sighed in frustration, placing his elbow on the library table and leaning his forehead against his knuckles.  “Of course… guess we’ve gotta do this all on our own…”

“Don’t do that just yet,” Sam warned, slamming the laptop closed and picking the spell back up from the table. “The spell might work still. We just need two other ingredients…”

“What…” Dean groaned as his brother trailed off.

“Uh… apparently… we need something of importance to the angel that was possessing the vessel…”

All three glanced at one another, waiting for someone to throw in a suggestion of what that could be.

“…we could use Dean?” Eileen offers, half-joking, half being dead serious. “Unless… does this ��something’ need to be sacrificed, or…?”

“Wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case…” Dean mumbles.

‘Dean… don’t you dare-,’

“Not a sacrifice,” Sam tells them, lips quirked up in a half-smile at Eileen’s suggestion. “It’s placed within the Enochian sigil, not with the rest of the ingredients. Plus, the spell does say an ‘item’ of importance, so… I’m assuming it can’t be alive.”

“Okay… what’s the other thing we need?” Eileen asks.

“This one I’m… not too sure about,” Sam says, crossing his arms as he holds the paper out, re-reading the spell. “We need a vial of blood from a relative of the vessel. I don’t really know who we can-,”

The answer comes to Sam, Dean, and Cas all at the same time, the two brothers locking eyes as the name falls from their lips.

“Claire.”

“Uh… who?” Eileen asks, waiting for the brothers to expand on this apparent revelation.

“Claire!” Sam repeats, like that provided any semblance of an answer. “She, uh, she’s Jimmy Novak’s daughter; Cas’s vessel's daughter… She’s… she’s the only one of his family left alive…”

“Do you know her?” Eileen asks.

“You could say that…”

“She hired some people to kill me once,” Dean adds with a strained smile. “To be fair – I totally deserved it at the time. She totally loves me now, though.”

‘That might be an exaggeration…’

‘Hey – if she’s your kid, she’s my kid too. We’re co-parenting Jack, you can’t take Claire away from me, too.’

“And… how does she feel about Cas?” Eileen asked gingerly, glancing down to Dean. “Since Cas did take her father’s body and all…”

“It, uh… wasn’t smooth sailing for them two at first,” Dean answers for Cas. “Claire was pretty bitter for a while; Dad taken by an angel, left in the care of the foster system by her mom… yeah, the reunion wasn’t too great.”

“And now?”

“I’d say she’s damn fond of the guy,” Dean says. “Doubt she’d ever admit it, but…”

‘Huh,’ Eileen thought, ‘Who does that remind me of…’

“So, you think she would help?” Eileen asks.

“I don’t see why not,” Sam says with a shrug of his shoulders. “It’s just a vial of blood, nothing life-threatening or altering. Up to her of course, but… doubt she’d say no.”

“Guess that means we’re making a surprise visit to Sherriff Mills,” Dean says cheerfully, already picturing the mouth-watering homemade meal that would be waiting.

“Doesn’t have to be a surprise visit, you know,” Sam scolds him. “You could not be an asshole and call ahead?

Dean makes a ‘pfft’ sound in response, waving off his brother’s good manners. “Where’s the fun in that? I wanna see the surprise on her face when we show up unannounced at their doorstep – with me in a wheelchair! Gotta get some kind of amusement out of my disability, Sammy.”

“First of all: you’re a jerk.”

“Bitch-,”

“Second of all-,” Sam continues sternly. “-We’ve still got the second ingredient to figure out, remember? What the hell are we gonna use that’s ‘of importance’ to Cas?”

 * * *

‘ Why do you have no possessions, Cas?’

Dean wheels himself down the bunker hallways as he asks Cas this, eyes scanning across the golden numbers glued on the wooden doors as he went.

‘I rarely have use for them. The few I had which I would deem ‘of importance’ were on me at the time of my death. Along with myself… they were destroyed.’

‘What’d you have on you?’

‘Not much: The clothes on my back, my angel blade tucked within my sleeve. And your mixtape.’

Dean stopped pushing the wheels of his chair at that. ‘You… you kept that on you?’

‘Of course. It served as a reminder that, in those eight years we had known each other, you still cared enough to put your effort into creating something of importance for me. Something that allowed you to share your love of music with me. Despite all I had done… you still cared.’

‘And you needed to be reminded of that?’

‘…yes?’

‘Either I was the crappiest friend in the world, Cas, or you were a blind dumbass.’

‘I’m leaning towards it being both.’

‘You know what? You’re probably right.’

‘I am sorry for that, you know.’

‘For what? Being right? Or being a dumbass?’

Dean grinned at the scowl Cas sent in his head. ‘Neither… I meant that… I’m sorry for losing your mixtape. You spent your time on making that, and now-,’

‘Pretty sure it would have ruined the moment if you whipped out my mixtape and threw it at me to save it while you were dying, Cas. Besides, now I get to make you a new one. Perhaps an extended version, top twenty maybe?’

‘Why do I get the feeling you’re eventually going to make a ‘top tracks’ cassette tape that has ALL of Led Zeppelin’s songs on it?’

‘Well, it’d be accurate, since they’re all the best of the best.’

‘Do you think you’ll ever expand your music tastes?’

‘Cas, what I’m about to tell you, I’m only telling you because I love you: I still listen to Taylor Swift on occasion. I sneak it in every now and then when I’ve got my headphones on cleaning Baby. Don’t tell Sam.’

‘You… you listen to-,’

Dean blocks off what’s likely to be a multitude of questions from Cas on his little musical secret, coming to a stop in front of Castiel’s room. If it can even be called that… it was a rarity for Castiel to use the room. Which, to be fair, is understandable when Dean considers the fact that Cas is an angel and, as such, does not require sleep. Still… it always hurt to walk past the room when the door was left open, seeing the bed bare and the room empty of any… Casness (was that a word? He’s pretty sure it’s not a word).

And yet, as Dean reached for the handle of the door, his finger stilled. The door had been kept shut for a reason. After… after what happened, he had never intended to open this door again. No matter what, it was Cas’s room, and nothing would ever replace it.

‘Are you okay, Dean?’

‘Yeah… yeah, I just… it’s stupid. Feels weird going in your room. I know you’re not technically dead anymore, but…’

‘Would it help if I said I give you my permission?’

Dean snorted quietly, shaking his head as he readies himself. ‘Not really, but I’m going in anyway.’

The door swings open into the room, revealing its gray, empty walls and lonesome looking bed up against the wall. Practically every room was a copy of the others in the bunker, not truly theirs until they set up their own little customizations. Which is why he was always kinda bummed that Cas didn’t bother with that stuff. It made him feel like Cas didn’t want the room, that… he didn’t consider the bunker his home.

‘That’s because it’s not.’

‘Huh? Ah, crap – was I directing stuff at you again?’

‘Yes, you were. And as I was saying, the bunker isn’t my home.’

‘Oh… uh, so what – is Heaven still your home?’

‘No. After all that’s happened… I don’t consider ‘home’ a place. To me… home is wherever you are.’

‘You gonna pull out these cheesy lines on me more now we’re a thing?’

‘I didn’t know it was considered cheesy. I’m just speaking my mind. Also – we’re a ‘thing?’

‘Yeah, I don’t like putting labels on shit. Calling us boyfriends feels weird. Saying we’re ‘partner’s feels just as weird.’

‘And you think calling us ‘a thing’ is better?’

‘You got any better suggestions?’

‘I suppose not. We’re just… ‘us.’

Dean wheeled himself further into Cas’s room, pushing the door closed behind him as he made his way to the middle of the room. He hadn’t actually been in Cas’s room all that often… mostly it was Cas who would come to visit him in his room. Otherwise, he usually finds Cas in the kitchen, in the library, or in the man cave – by which Dean means he drags Cas in there to liven up his life with whatever movie Dean had picked for that night.

‘Damn… you really didn’t have much, did you?’

‘I don’t have much need for material possessions. I told you this already.’

Which… was quite the problem. Spells don’t typically contain ingredients that are ‘optional’; this wasn’t some typical recipe found in a middle-aged woman’s pretentious cookbook – this was complicated and often risky magic that’s capable of doing what most deem impossible.

They needed to find something, otherwise…

This spell was worthless.

Dean wheels himself over to the single mahogany closet tucked away in the corner of Cas’s room, huffing to himself in his frustration as he grabs hold of the handles to the doors. “There’s gotta be something in here of yours Cas, I can’t believe there’s nothing of-,’

His words get caught in his throat as he swings the doors open, staring bug-eyed into the interior of the closet. Even Cas seemed to have been shocked into silence in his head.

It was… it was impossible.

Dean reaches out a shaky hand, half expecting his hand to feel air instead of the sole piece of clothing hanging in the otherwise empty closet. Instead, his fingers brush against the oh too familiar scratchy material of its sleeve, his eyes beginning to burn with unexpected tears as he takes in the beige colors.

It was Cas’s trench coat.

‘How is this… did you have an extra one of these or something, Cas?’

‘No… just this one.’

‘So… this isn’t a hallucination? Or some kind of trick?’

‘If it is, it’s a VERY good copy. I can feel it’s mine…’

Dean reached up as far as he could, straining as he tugged the coat’s hanger off the closet’s bar. He slid the hanger out of the coat, tossing it back into the closet, keeping his eyes focused solely on the trench coat in his hands. His fingers scrunch tightly into the trench coat, bringing it up to his chest and leaning his head down into it. The tears burning in his eyes almost spill over when he realizes he can smell Cas ingrained into the trench coat. The same scent he had picked up from Cas’s grace in his dreams: that otherworldly, unrecognizable smell mixed with smells that make him feel at home; a lingering soapy cleanness, fresh air blowing through a pine forest; a flowery, subtle smell that’s kinda sweet, sort of like… like honey.

This was stupid of him, he knew that. Cas was alive. But… having something physical of his angel’s held in his grasp for the first time since he was taken from him… it almost felt like getting to see Cas again – not just listening to his voice inside his head. Something real, something that would always be associated with Cas, back with him.

‘I can’t wait to see you, too. Not just in reflections, or in your dreams… to be able to truly hold you, to feel you, to kiss you in MY body.’

‘You better stick to that promise.’

‘I fully intend to.’

‘I’m just… I’m a little worried as to how this is ever here… You said it was destroyed?’

‘It was.’

‘So… how’s it here?’

‘I wish I could tell you, Dean.’

‘Can you sense anything on it? Some type of monster gunk? Some mojo maybe?’

‘No. There’s nothing. I can sense my presence on it, but that’s it.’

‘Okay… okay, so, for some reason, someone or something has found a way to recreate your trench-coat and just place it back into the closet of your room, in the bunker – the safest place we know – and left it there for us to find in the most convenient moment?’

‘It appears so, yes.’

‘Huh. Sweet.’

Dean pats down the pockets to Cas’s trench coat, unable to feel the hard shape of Cas’s angel blade hidden away in the sleeves or the pockets. ‘Damn, seems whatever brought back your coat didn’t bring back your other stuff either. Sorry, Cas.’

‘I consider it a lucky break to even have my coat… At least, I’m assuming it’s a lucky break…’

‘Hey, weird stuff happens to us all the time. If you can’t sense anything evil within the coat – which I’m sort of just guessing there isn’t since you’d probably have said something before I buried my face in it – then I don’t see why this should be a bad thing.’

‘I suppose that’s true… I still want to know who is responsible for it, though.’

‘Trust me, we’re in the same boat on that one, Cas. And we will find out. After we get you back into your body.’

And just like that, the light at the end of the tunnel began to flicker back into sight.

Next Chapter - - - >

[dipulb3]

Analysis: Female directors are having a moment

New Post has been published on https://appradab.com/analysis-female-directors-are-having-a-moment/

Analysis: Female directors are having a moment

In the year of our Lord 2021, it feels like female directors are finally getting more opportunities — and more acknowledgment.

Take, for example, this past Sunday’s Golden Globe Awards.

Three women were nominated in the best director category for the first time.

Only one woman had ever won the category prior to Sunday, and that was Barbra Streisand in 1984 for “Yentl.”

Here are some of the women who are making waves and headlines in Hollywood:

Chloé Zhao: The “Nomadland” director became the first woman of Asian descent and only the second woman ever to win the best director award at this year’s Golden Globes.

The film’s star, Frances McDormand, told The New York Times Zhao really understood the actress’ affinity for the character who packs up her life in a van and becomes part of an older community of people who work odd jobs across the country.

“Chloé tapped into the truth of it which was at different points of my life, I’ve said to my husband, ‘I can’t take this anymore, I’m dropping out,'” McDormand said.

Regina King: The acclaimed actress-turned-director was up against Zhao at the Globes.

She has been on quite a streak in her career the past few years, including nabbing the best supporting actress Oscar for “If Beale Street Could Talk” in 2019.

Now, the former child star is being hailed for her big screen directorial debut in “One Night in Miami,” adapted from Kemp Powers’ stage play about a meeting between Cassius Clay, Jim Brown, Sam Cooke and Malcolm X.

The night of the Golden Globes, King told “E!” it was “bittersweet” that she, Zhao and Emerald Fennell marked the first trio of female nominees, given that this is 2021.

Emerald Fennell: Another actress who has stepped behind the camera (we are starting to see a trend here), she has received critical acclaim for writing, directing and producing the thriller “Promising Young Woman,” starring Carey Mulligan.

The movie is not only cheeky but gets into some uncomfortable territory, so much so that it has been praised for turning the revenge genre on its ear.

“It’s just part of the fun of making something, the smoke and mirrors and the misdirections,” Fennell told IndieWire. “I love all that stuff, all of my favorite movies have that sort of thing in them. It’s very interesting, isn’t it, how much we want violence, how much instinctively as an audience we’re begging for blood.”

Robin Wright: “The House of Cards” star did some directing on that Netflix series, so she wasn’t a total neophyte when it came to both starring in and directing her first feature film, “Land.”

Wright plays a woman struck by a family tragedy who gives up her successful life in the big city and moves to a remote area in Wyoming.

She told Women’s Wear Daily that she was delighted with the film’s reception so far.

“We feel so blessed that people are feeling the movie,” Wright said. “It is very relevant to what’s going on today, of being disconnected from our loved ones. We’re not living the norm. The message in this movie is about that very thing.”

These leading female directors represent just a handful of creatives proving women are making inroads on the Hollywood scene.

The numbers don’t lie: For the second consecutive year, the percentages of women directing top-grossing films increased, reaching “recent historic highs,” while the overall percentages of women working in key behind-the-scenes roles remained relatively stable, according to a study by San Diego State University released in January.

“Women accounted for 16% of directors working on the top 100 grossing films in 2020, up from 12% in 2019 and 4% in 2018,” wrote study author Martha M. Lauzen, founder and executive director of SDSU’s Center for the Study of Women in Television and Film. “Women comprised 18% of directors on the top 250 films in 2020, up from 13% in 2019 and 8% in 2018.”

A rising tide raises all ships, especially when a woman is at the helm, so here’s to more female directors on the horizon.

For your weekend

Three things to watch:

‘Coming 2 America’

Prince Akeem and Semmi are heading back to Queens, New York. Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall reprise their respective roles for the sequel to the hit 1988 film.

This time the prince is in search of his son and heir to the kingdom of Zamunda. My question is what have the rose petal droppers been up to all this time?

“Coming 2 America” starts streaming Friday on Amazon Prime.

‘Boss Level’

Former special forces agent Roy Pulver (Frank Grillo) is trapped in a time loop that constantly repeats the day of his murder. To break the cycle, he must hunt down Col. Clive Ventor (Mel Gibson) while also trying to save his ex-wife (Naomi Watts).

That sounds like some seriously fast-paced action.

“Boss Level” starts streaming Friday on Hulu.

‘Biggie: I Got a Story to Tell’

March 9 marks the 24th anniversary of the unsolved murder of rapper Christopher Wallace, aka Biggie Smalls or The Notorious B.I.G., at age 24.

Arguably one of the best and most beloved hip-hop artists of all time, Wallace is the subject of a new doc that looks at the legacy of his life and death. Currently streaming on Netflix, with “rare footage and in-depth interviews, this documentary celebrates the life of The Notorious B.I.G. on his journey from hustler to rap king.”

So, call your friends and let them know so your crew run-run-run, your crew run-run to catch it.

Two things to listen to:

Sweden has blessed us with the likes of ABBA and Spotify. Now add Zara Larsson to that list.

The 23-year-old singer, who got her start as a youngster on a TV talent show, is dropping her third studio album, “Poster Girl,” on Friday.

March is the month we celebrate women — and who is more empowering than Oprah Winfrey?

The answer to that is no one.

Check out “Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversation‪s” podcast if you want to feel motivated, inspired or just need the uplifting vibe that is trademark Oprah. ‬

One thing to talk about:

Are we over awards shows?

My Appradab colleague Brian Lowry reported that “Globes ratings plummeted more than 60% from the 18.3 million viewers who watched last year, per Nielsen data, to an average audience of 6.9 million.”

Yikes.

With the pandemic going on you would think plenty of people would be tuning in to shows like the Golden Globes, but, apparently, not. Even in a “normal year,” there seems to be less enthusiasm for award shows than there used to be, and that begs the question if Hollywood needs to find a different way to celebrate the industry.

The pandemic is causing us all to reevaluate things.

Something to sip on

Looking for a new show to watch? We asked some of our friends around Appradab what TV binge has helped them decompress in the time of Covid.

Phil Mattingly, senior White House correspondent

I basically have an encyclopedic knowledge of Bravo shows due to my wife’s fandom/the disappearance of sports the first few month of Covid. Not sure I should acknowledge that publicly.

Alisyn Camerota, Appradab New Day anchor

I’ve been watching “Succession.” It depicts a dysfunctional, rotten world, and somehow I find that soothingly distracting from our daily stress.

Stephanie Elam, Appradab correspondent

Fantasy, take me away! I’ve turned to shows that allow me to escape reality — “Once Upon a Time” with my daughter, “Lovecraft Country” and “His Dark Materials” without her.

Ana Cabrera, Appradab Newsroom anchor

“Criminal Minds” on Netflix. I know it’s old, but I’m a newcomer to it! I’m a sucker for mystery and suspense.

Pop back here next Thursday for all the latest entertainment happenings that matter.

[fivegoldpieces]

Talks Machina at Gen-Con Q&A Highlights

Note: This only has the audience q&a portion. Cast answers are transcribed, side-comments and banter are only included if they are relevant to/answer the question posed. Apologies in advance to mobile-users if the read-more doesn't work - this is tagged as #long post if you want to blacklist it.

[[MORE]]

Q: For Matt; might we expect any possible homebrew releases coming out in the next year or so, like dunamancy?

Matt: I have plans. I can't say anything because I want things to be cool and surprising. But I have plans don't worry. It's not that I don't care, it's that I don't have time, but I'm working on it.

Q: For Taliesin; what would make Caduceus really angry?

Taliesin: I will say that he can get angry. It does happen. Juvenile disrespect does eventually get to him. Not a fan of pranking. I mean, you know, everybody's got some layer - there's some stuff. No one's that serene all the time. No one.

Q: For Taliesin; at the end of the Call of Cthulhu oneshot, you mentioned that you had a lot of mouse traps set up. I was just wondering, were the shadow people the most dangerous thing they could've released, or was there a more dangerous horror waiting that they managed to avoid?

Taliesin: I mean, if the cats had been released first, that would have definitely been an interesting thing. The cats would have been a problem. Also, if somebody had died really early, I was setting up a series of rules for dead players to continue to interact, which would have been really really unhappy and bad. And terrible rules for the things that were living behind the glass, and if you were stuck behind the glass, you were right there with them and they could really mess with you. Thankfully none of that happened.

Q: For Matt; you have the Tal'dorei Campaign Setting - I was wondering if you were going to do one for The Mighty Nein campaign?

Matt: I don't have a lot of time. Campaign settings are extensive. I'd like to eventually do something like that. I have materials, it's just assembling them in a way that can be legible by a non-crazy human being that I am. Hopefully! We'll see as time goes on. At the moment, we're consumed with this animated series that you guys helped make happen. Super excited about that. Keep an eye out as time goes on, because hopefully I'd like to get around to that. That'd be awesome.

Q: For Matt; what the hell was up with the undead vibe on Jamedi Cosko?

Matt: Yeah, that's crazy huh? That's a pretty weird thing. Yeah, there was something about him that gives off an undead vibe. Wonder what that means? I appreciate the question, but I don't know if that'll come back into play in some time. Let's see if it gets explored at some point, and if not at least I could tell you at the campaign wrap-up.

Q: For Travis; for the animated series, a lot of the characters have iconic catchphrases so I was wondering how you're going to translate "I would like to rage"?

Travis: Are we going to "translate" that? I think he's just going to say "I would like to rage". Yeah, we are definitely keeping iconic lines, moments, interactions, all those things will be there just as they were.

Taliesin: I'll also add to that - if you want to see somebody doing that and taking things that shouldn't actually work in-game and making them work in-game, Jody Houser is doing a great job in the comic book series of making you feel like somehow Matt is intertwined in everything that happens, it's kind of cool. Check it out!

Q: For Taliesin; a lot of comparisons have been thrown around between Fjord and Percy, and something that I noticed was Uk'otoa is being much more insistent than Orthax was - do you think if Orthax was as insistent and as keen on punishment, Percy might've gone a similar direction as Fjord?

Taliesin: Honest to God, and this is just from watching, I don't think Percy had nearly as strong a will as Fjord does. Watching Travis play Fjord was definitely like, "I did not have the balls to pull that off, oh my God." Percy was never about the hard choice, it was always about "what's the option C that I haven't figured out yet, there's a way to game my way out of this, if I just keep talking I can get everything to work" until the very end. Like chicken? Percy doesn't play chicken.

Laura (using Vex's voice): From firsthand knowledge, Percy does curtail very easily.

Matt: If you actually recall, Percy didn't even make the choice. Scanlan did for him.

Q: For Laura; when can we get a Caduceus tea set?

Laura: Oh, I heard a lot of "ooh's". Who would buy a Caduceus tea set? [audience applause] Well, shit, maybe I should look into it.

Sam: That's so many more people than who voted for me.

Brian: Not to be That Guy, lets just see how long his character lives, before we start making merchandise around him.

Q: For Sam; you are kind of the king of over-the-top and ostentatious whether it be with your character design, or your flasks, or things like that, and especially your outfits at the live events - how do you come up with these over-the-top creations and also how on earth do you plan on topping last night?

Sam: That last part will be hard. I think next year, I'll either come out totally naked or I'll just be so basic - pleated khakis, a polo shirt, I don't know. That outfit last night, it was pieced together from several different stores, I'm sure CritRoleCloset will figure it out at some point. But it was a challenge putting that together. And then, my fellow cast members, like two weeks after I bought all that weird stuff I wore, they were like, "hey let's go goth". So. Fuck you guys.

Q: For Travis; with Fjord's recent decision, do you see him changing outfits to fit his new or old persona?

Travis: I don't think so. Most of Fjord's armor was very piece-mail stuff that he got either from working on the docks, or stuff that he got from Vandren, or items that he was given just as he sort of accrued time and responsibility where he worked. I think that stuff's very dear to him, especially coming from an orphanage where he didn't have any possessions, so all those things that are actually his are very dear to him. He might add to those things, but I think underneath they'll stay there. He might augment them or change them a little bit, in the same way you would draw on your jeans in school or whatever, but that stuff's his so it means a lot to him.

Q: For Travis; after Fjord severed his pact with Uk'otoa, was there a larger fear in telling Beau and Jester what had happened, since he had been traveling with them the longest out of the Nein, or did his journeys with the Nein make that fear equal across all of the party?

Travis: I think actually he was worried about telling Beau and Jester the least, and maybe Caduceus in there as well. He knew he would hear about it from Nott, and Caleb had already sort of started to call him on his shit and saw through a lot of that stuff. He also regards the group as very powerful, so I think a lot of it is turning to his very powerful and talented friends and saying, "I don't have any of that anymore, I hope I can still play with you guys." Legit though, the response was amazing. It was absolutely incredible. Jester is so gregarious and loving and joyful and exuberant that I don't think he was worried about that, I think he was actually looking forward to telling her as one of the first people to know. And Beau is second-mate, so like ride-or-die or right?

Q: For Taliesin; I can totally be wrong for this, but just reading body language and facial features, there do seem to be moments where you're kind of just like, "I'm done with this" - I just kind of want advice, like how do you keep playing when your energy level might be low or you don't like where the story is going?

Taliesin: Oh, that is never "I'm done with this", what you're seeing is the "I'm trying to make sure no one notices that I'm reading my backstory notes". That's me reading, frantically. I'm a big believer in terror, terror is a great way to keep me up. "Oh God, I don't remember anybody's name, oh God how many siblings do I have oh God."

Marisha: Well, also you write your backstories like the Silmarillion, it's like, so intense. I'm like "my dad was mean to me" like that's my backstory.

Q: For Sam; based on the amazing reaction we've had to your DnDBeyond theme and the Critical Role theme, when can we expect a parody version of the 2010 hit "Like a G6" by Far East Movement as "Like a d6"?

Sam: Oh wow, that's good.

Marisha: Not to be that person, it already exists. The Library Bards did it. So, you should check it out. I mean, do a cover, Sam, I don't know.

Sam: There are more songs incoming, just so you know.

Q: For Matt; you say dunamancy can alter the reality and the fate of the person that wields it - is this an affront to the Raven Queen?

Matt: I would say, given the fact that elements of dunamancy deal with the manipulation of probability, destiny, things like that, the Raven Queen is probably not that cool with dunamancy. Just throwing that out there. One of the few things she's probably like, "Really, guys?" So yeah, I'd say you're on the right track.

Q: For Laura and Travis; do you talk to Ronin about your campaign?

Laura: So, Ronin, every Thursday night he stays with a babysitter at home, but he watches the opening of the show. Like, he loves the theme song so much. I sing it every time I change his diaper.

Travis: Same, like I know there's songs that parents sing to their kids - he's heard the damn theme song every day of his life.

Brian: But do you guys change the lyrics though, like "You shit your pants, I'm cleaning it up now", you know what I mean?

Liam: My kids bust into that song constantly. We cannot play a board game or anything. Someone goes "it's your turn" "TO ROLL" every time.

Q: For Marisha; I'm a huge fan of Jocks Machina and hopefully we'll get to see them on the channel one day - will Beau ever join Jocks Machina?

Marisha: What are the requirements, are there prerequisites for joining Jocks Machina? You're kind of the authority on this.

Travis: Guns. Abs. Likes to lift heavy things. Likes to break a sweat. Likes to whoop that ass.

Marisha: Check. Check. ...Check? Check. Hell yeah.

Q: For Matt; this is a rather involved conspiracy theory question, so excuse me - last year when the party was in Shady Creek Run at the Landlocked Lady Inn, they first arrived and there was a doorman named Champ who Keg knew. The next morning, they went down and there was a new doorman who said he'd been working for the Marduns for a few months and had bright red curly hair and vibrant green eyes and acted rather enigmatic and shady and shifty and was saying they should listen more and that he hoped that whatever they were after, they were on the right path. Later, once they recover everyone, Jester is asking the Traveler where he was, and he says he was always there. So my question is this: was that character the Traveler in disguise?

Matt: [several moments of silence]

Matt: That'd be pretty interesting, huh? That's a unique observation. I will confirm nor deny.

Q: For Matt; now that Fjord has effectively broken up with Uk'otoa, what do you think would be a more compelling storyline, or what are you most interested to see: him continue to take levels in warlock, possibly with an Archfey patron, or paladin...?

Matt: Part of what I really enjoy about this game is how the players continuously surprise me. I'm down to see what journey Travis wants to take. I'm curious to see how he takes this next path in his journey and which elements he wants to maintain, what direction he wants to go - he seems to be really finding interest in the Wildmother and talking to Caduceus about that, and that's kind of been an element of breaking that pact at the time, so I'm curious if he's going to continue down that path or see this as a blank slate to continue to grow. I'm interested to see the different decisions that Fjord takes, and Travis does through Fjord, and kind of adjust and build the narrative for that character around that. I can't say I have a specific path that I'm hoping for, because I have no idea what Travis's direct interest is, beyond just the actions he's taken in the game. Yeah, I'm just excited to see where it goes. I really love the idea of not knowing that as the Dungeon Master. As much as it's me building and world-planning, many of you out there who run games as GM know the most exciting part of the game is after all that prep, coming to the table and the players completely surprise you, and you kind of have to think on your feet and go with it. That's the best part of the game for me.

Q: For Marisha; what inspired you to play Beau a bit more shaken about her near-death than some of the other characters?

Marisha: Well, I was at 2 hit points the whole time - Liam can attest to that. So you know, I was kind of role-playing that. Shit's crazy man.

Q: For Liam; so you play your characters, both Vax and Caleb, very emotionally without any hesitation, and you're an experienced actor. What I wanted to ask was, something that people who try to emulate Critical Role don't realize that can happen when you try to put yourself into the character and get emotionally invested is character bleed. I was wondering how you deal with that, if you do at all. Like, if something really emotionally devastating happens to Vax or to Caleb, how does it affect you and how do you deal with it?

Liam: These feel like synthetic memories, so any time the superimposed fantasy friend gets killed or has to leave or whatever happens - that shit we carry around and get upset about. Every time we leave on a cliffhanger and someone's gonna die, we think about it constantly. Vax helped me sort through things, but made me more loyal and determined and willing to take chances - which in life I generally try to avoid conflict. Caleb, I still kind of drive around and think about him and still go, like "why did you do that?" He's really messed up, if I just think like, fireballs and cats like it's fun, and we can make dick jokes and it's fun. But if I really take a minute, I just go "Oh". I feel bad for him, I feel really bad for him. I have fun playing the game, and I love these guys, and I feel bad for my character.

Follow-up Q: Do you have ways that you learned to process that, like if you're at home feeling bummed about something that happened on a Thursday night, and you're like "man I need to get out of this funk"?

Liam: Yeah, I pull my head out of the game. I'll play a game with my kid, or watch a movie with my wife, or go running. Running is great. Not for your knees, but everything else. Or spend time with these guys out of the game. There's lots of ways. We're really invested in their stories, so it sort of drags along like coattails wherever we go.

Matt: To give you examples too, when he says "hanging out with friends", the group that's there, your friends that are in this game that you trust enough? You should all also support each other when those dark moments happen outside of the game. Whenever we lose a character in the game, we have like a wake. We go to an Irish pub that we go to often in Burbank, and we all get drinks and we have a wake for that character. And it's part of that process too. Even though it's imaginary, there's a part of that experience and journey that's come to an end and that deserves its respect as well, and we're all there to support the player. As a playing group, be there for your friends who may be going through that experience, because even though it is make-believe and it's a game, that is still a loss. And that's not a bad thing either. Loss is an important thing to process, because life comes with loss. Part of the wonderful experiences of role-playing games is that it allows us a safe space to explore very positive and very negative emotions in a healthy way and make us better people for it. So just be there for them, be supportive, and be the best friends and co-players you can be.

Liam: Part of the reason, I think, that we get upset when these fictional characters are killed is because we're playing this game of imagination together, and we form a chemistry together where we're like "we get to do this together, and it's always like this, and you're always funny like that, and you're always intense like this" and we really love that chemistry. Then somebody gets killed and they're gone, and that chemistry, which is something that we're like addicted to and love, that chemistry is gone. Like, when Molly was gone. Beau and Molly had this great "fuck you" "fuck you" butting heads thing - that's gone. We're actors, but anyone who plays this game extensively, you love the sort-of second life that you create for yourself and then when the character is gone, you don't have that unique mix anymore.

Q: For Laura; I really love how you play Vex and Jester, even though as two characters, they're pretty different from each other. But sometimes, you have an instance where like, your Laura shows. So I actually just wanted to ask, what was the biggest disconnect you've ever experienced between player versus character? If you've ever felt like, you as a person, as a player, would never ever make a choice in a situation versus what your character would do in that same situation.

Laura: I feel like everything my characters do, I wouldn't do in real life. Like, especially Jester. Travis and I have had these conversations: the joy of playing a character like Jester or like Grog, where you don't have to filter yourself - everybody, I assume, has these random really stupid things that pop up in your brain and you don't say them because everyone would judge you, and they're weird - and as these characters, you just embrace it, and it is so much fun. Talk about character bleed - it is an issue that I deal with now, because Jester has had that effect on me, and so I tend to say stupider things in real life now. No, but I would never deface anything in public, I would never steal anything.

Travis: You're not gonna attach any dicks on the walls.

Laura: I would not attach a dick to a wall in public. Or anywhere. I do eat a lot of donuts though, that's on me.

Q: For Matt; we've explored several places in the multiverse in your games, like the City of Brass, the Feywild, places like that - are there any places in the multiverse like the Astral Sea or somewhere that you, either as a player or as a GM, would have liked to have gone but have never had the time or resources to do?

Matt: Interesting. I do have some places that I really would like to explore, whether in this campaign or campaigns down the road. Astral Sea is interesting, it's a really weird amorphous plane, and I just love the prospect of one day throwing an Astral Dreadnought at these poor guys. He's my second to the Tarrasque. Oh they're fun, they're a good time. I've always loved Planescape. The City of Sigil would be great for obvious reasons of course. So I can be like, "no guys, this is where I learned my wrong pronunciation". But the City of Doors is awesome. Lady of Pain is a great element. Those who watched the Search for Bob oneshot, there was a Lady of Pain reference dropped in there. If you missed it, you can go back and look. Maybe there's a few doors in Sigil that lead to Exandria, who knows. Think about that for your home campaigns, huh? I want to go into some deep Abyssal planes too. We've been to the City of Dis, we've seen a little bit of the Nine Hells of Baator, though maybe not the harsher places. There's so many to explore!

Q: For Sam; Matt has said on Twitter that one of the ways you guys handle the pressures of the Kickstarter and the intense dramatic moments in the campaign is by checking in with each other and checking in on each other's mental health. I know you take on a lot of responsibilities with doing the DnDBeyond ads and the songs that you write and also your characters are often joking around with other characters and giving them a hard time so I was wondering, from your perspective, if you could give some details, without giving away anything too personal, on how to properly mentally check-in with your fellow players and just help everybody and check that everybody is doing okay.

Sam: Well, I'm learning from these guys, as we go, how best to do that. I'm weird in that, as weird as I am on-screen, I don't really talk very much when we're off-screen, or I keep my stuff to myself, more than some of these guys do. But they have, in the last few years, helped me sort of connect more with my best friends here. You know, we do check in a lot with each other, thanks to Matt and thanks to all of us. For instance, yesterday morning we all had breakfast together. It was really nice - we just talked about stuff, and it was just great to just sort of reconnect with everybody. I'm not an expert at this in any way, and in fact, on this stage, I am the least good at it, but I have endeavoured to become better at it. Opening yourself up to your friends and feeling comfortable enough to share your past or your worries for the future with your friends and not getting any judgement back is like, the greatest gift. If you have that with one person, it's amazing. If you have that with all of these people? Holy moly, it's the greatest thing in the world. I've tried to be better at sharing my stuff with them and being there for them. That's all I can do.

Q: For Marisha; in campaign one with Vox Machina, there's a lot of powerful badass lady NPCs, so if by chance, it all worked out timewise, who do you think Beau would be most likely to have a crush on?

Marisha: Kima. Yeah. Keyleth very much emulated Allura, and really looked up to her and kind of looked at her as a powerful female figurehead and took notes for leadership through her. Beau would just wanna fuck.

Q: For Liam; what do characters do in the campaign that you find funny no matter how old it gets?

Liam: Everybody throw in on this one. I'll never get over Laura waggling her eyebrow every third word in the game.

Taliesin: Slow snicker every time there's even vaguely a possibility of a dick joke.

Travis: I'd say every time there's a pain reaction out of Nott. It is hysterical to me.

Liam: I like any time, just the concept of death comes up or Molly - anywhere, in the game, out of the game - one of these people would be like, "Like you, you're dead!"

Laura: Uk'otoa.

Q: For Laura; do you think the volcano would be a good spot for Traveler on?

Laura (using Jester's voice): Okay here's the thing. Like, I totally did at first and I need to talk to him, because I think that now it's probably not, because it wasn't very expansive really, as big as I thought it would be, and there wasn't like a lot of beds, and like, no real good food. So, I don't know how many people are coming, but like, even just getting to the nearest hotel was really difficult, you know?

Matt: I love the idea that half of your sketchbook is Jester's tiny Yelp reviews of locations in Wildemount.

Q: For Laura; with all of the throwback to Vox Machina and Whitestone in the week before, how are you feeling with all of it?

Laura: I'm feeling very nostalgic.

Laura (using Vex's voice): Also, I would love for everyone to come visit.

Marisha (using Keyleth's voice): Me as well.

Laura (using Jester's voice): And also, if we did, I think we would cause a lot of problems.

Marisha: New pitch - Travelercon at Whitestone. We know the food is good, lots of lodging and room and board, no dead people in trees anymore.

Laura: All of the residuum that you could ever hope for.

Brian: And endless booze.

[Panel end]

[rocket-remmy]

Cabin In The Woods|| Luce and Remmy

TIMING: Current PARTIES: @divineluce​ and @whatsin-yourhead​ SUMMARY: Remmy and Luce subvert at least a few horror movie tropes.

Driving down the stretch of highway that led out of town, Luce glanced over at Remmy. They had been pretty quiet since they’d stepped into their car. Which, she honestly chalked it up to nerves or something. They were cute, in a nervous way-- in the same way that a bunny rabbit or a baby dear was cute. But, cute was cute and besides. She liked watching them squirm. It was funny to see how much of an effect she had on them. “So. Brain milkshakes, hm? You’ll have to let me try some of yours. I told you before that I’m no stranger to weird foods.” She teased, looking over at the passenger side of her 4x4 with a grin. Turning the steering wheel, she pulled off the paved road onto the long dirt path that wound its way through the forest. “It’s a bit out of the way, might be a little bit of a bumpy drive.” She said, her headlights bobbing up and down as her car negotiated the rough road before them. As fun as bringing back one of Nell’s friends to Bea’s place sounded, she wasn’t in the mood to deal with her sisters right now. Which worked out. No one had booked her cabin for the weekend-- probably because the lake was closed-- which meant she had the place to herself. 

Remmy usually would’ve been more than a little nervous for something like this, but things had been changing lately. Maybe it was just them trying to process everything they were going through, but things just didn’t seem as dire or important to care about anymore. If they hadn’t known better, they’d’ve thought it was their depression coming back. It was, after all, a similar mindset to when they’d first woken up, but Remmy wanted to believe that maybe it was just them changing for the better. Like they’d told Alain. They'd finally talked to Morgan, but none of that was relevant right now. Right now, they were just trying to do whatever made them happy. And having brain milkshakes, possibly with alcohol, with Luce, alone, in her cabin, was what made Remmy happy. And who knew? Maybe other things would happen. “If i didn’t know better, I’d think you were taking me out into the woods to kill me,” they teased with a lopsided grin. All it took was confidence. Or, you know, faking it. They could do that for a night.

While she was mostly focused on the road in front of them, Luce had driven down this path for five years. She knew it like the back of her hand, which is why she felt more than comfortable looking over at Remmy with a bemused expression. “You know, when I said you could practice the flirting thing, accusing me of attempted murder wasn’t the direction I thought you’d take it. Weird choice, but I can work with it.” She laughed as she followed the slight turn. They passed by the mailbox she’d made years ago, carved out of a sunken tree stump by the main road, and soon Luce was parking the car in front of her cabin. It was a small place, much smaller than Bea’s place, but it was home to her. Grabbing the grocery bag full of ice cream and liquor from the back, she gestured for Remmy to follow her inside. “C’mon in. Place isn’t quite how I used to keep it, but it’s still home.”

Remmy snorted as they gave a little chuckle. “Hey, you can never be too careful. I was entirely convinced you wanted to kill me when you asked what I was. But I might just be a little paranoid,” they answered, shaking their head. As they passed the mailbox, Remmy couldn’t help but turn their head to look at it, taking in the intricate details carved into the wood. The car pulled to a stop in front of a small, intimate looking cabin, and Remmy couldn’t help but feel awed. “You live here? Or, uh-- lived here?” they asked, sliding out and following her around. It was so quiet out here, deep in the woods, away from the city. Remmy would’ve thought to bring Moose if they weren’t so focused on keeping a good mindset. He’d’ve loved it out here. As they headed up to the door behind Luce, they took a moment to give themself a small pep talk. They could do this. This was fine. They could flirt, too. “Why’d you have to move?”

“Fair, oh you of little faith.” She said. With a practiced motion, Luce waved her free hand as she entered the cabin. The candles that were set about all over the house burst to life at once, illuminating the room in a flickering glow. She had solar out here, and a back-up generator too, but for lighting she’d always preferred to use fire. Which, given that it was a log cabin in the middle of the fucking woods, probably would have been a nightmare for anyone who wasn’t a fire witch. Grabbing the blender from out of the cabinets, Luce set her contributions to the milkshake on the counter top-- ice cream, milk, rum. Just what she wanted. “Used to, mhm.” She said as she grabbed a couple glasses from a shelf. “Family stuff. It’s better for the three of us to be together, even if we butt heads from time to time. Also, I’m going to be making mine first. We can stick the brains in after.” She said, before looking over at them, “I’m still going to steal a sip of yours. I’d like to see you try to stop me.” Luce teased, feeling perfectly at ease in her old home. The wood and stone that surrounded her was just as she left it, the artwork she had left here, nostalgic. She missed living here, even though she knew it was safest for her to live with Bea and Nell.

“Yeah, well, I still came and met you, right?” Remmy said, heading inside after Luce. “And I’m definitely glad I did.” They were going to open their mouth say something else, but Luce gave a short wave of her hand and suddenly all the candles in the house lit up. “Woah!” Remmy breathed, stopping dead in their tracks, eyes open with awe. They meandered around the room, holding the container of brains as they did, looking at all the different drawings and paintings she had up around the room, and the rusticly decorated cabin. “This place is amazing,” they said quietly, “I’m kinda jealous. Not that I don’t like where I live now, but damn--” they finally turned to look at Luce over in the kitchen again, “this place is awesome.” They made their way back over to the kitchen, setting the container on the counter next to the ice cream and stuff. They gave a crooked grin. “Hey, I was being nice before. I could totally stop you if I wanted to,” they challenged, pushing the container closer to them. “We’ll see if you can take it from me this time.”

“You did do that, yep.” Luce grinned, amused by their awestruck expression. She wasn’t sure if it was because of the fire magic or the interior decor, but it was funny all the same. It was a witch’s cabin, of course it would look the part. Sticking milk and ice cream into the blender, she whipped up a quick vanilla shake for herself and poured it into one of the glasses. “Thanks. It’s exactly how I always wanted my home to look. Well. Maybe with a bigger shower. One thing Bea’s place has over mine is a nice bathtub.” She said idly before opening the container they pushed her way. The brains in the tub were grey-ish and smelled… like organ meat. Which, duh. They were fucking brains. “What if I don’t want you to be nice?” She said with a sly smile before dumping the contents into the shake. She added ice cream and milk to the mixture with a liberal hand. The blender made quick work, churning it all up into something that resembled a pinkish milkshake. She poured the chunky mixture out to the glass in front of Remmy. Fishing a jar of cherries from the grocery bag, she stuck one on theirs and one on hers, popping a third into her mouth, stem and all. “Brain appetit.” Luce joked.

Remmy leaned against the counter as they watched Luce whip up the milkshakes. “Well, guess it can’t really be paradise without a big tub, can it?” They couldn’t help but smile at the playful banter-- despite Remmy being “too kind” as some described it, they could be witty, too. They knew how to throw banter-- they’d grown up around straight, white military boys, after all. If they hadn’t been able to tussle with them both physically and verbally, then they never woulda made it. “I can be mean,” they said, though they doubted Luce would believe them right away, “but you’re gonna have to ask nicely first.” Gave a little smirk. See? They could do this, too. Just...let go of everything, just get over the initial nervousness. They’d had some practice now, too, that it didn’t seem so strange anymore. Openly flirting with women. They reached out and took the milkshake offered to them, giving a little snort at her joke. “That’s bad,” they said, “that’s really bad.” But the milkshake itself was good, and, hey, they could taste it. That was something new. “You know, this isn’t half bad,” they said, setting the cup back on the counter, hand still on the cup, “though it’s not Al’s shake.”

“You’ve got that right. Oh well, gives me something to hope for. Or, a project to think about if I ever decide to remodel the place.” Luce said with a nod, chewing the cherry. The stem separated in her mouth and she toyed with it for a moment, flipping it around with her tongue as she watched them smile with a hint of mischief on their face. Cute. Sticking out her tongue, she showed them the knot she’d tied into the cherry stem before tossing it into the garbage can. “You want me to ask nicely? Make me.” She dared them as she took a sip from her own glass, staring over the rim at them. “Also, of course it isn’t as good as Al’s. I’m pretty sure their shake recipe was traded to them by a demon in exchange for like… their first born or whatever it is demons like.” She said with a wave of her hand. Just as she was about to swipe at their cup to steal it, a dull thump came from outside the house. Not near the door, by the side of her house with the woodpile stacked against it. “Did you hear that?” She asked, glancing over at Remmy as she set her milkshake down.

Remmy felt their cheeks prickle with warmth again at Luce’s challenge. She was definitely better at them than this, but practice made perfect, right? And, besides, Luce was attractive and easy to banter with. If a bit nosy. But Remmy didn’t mind too much. They actually kinda liked her. Getting to know her better was becoming a plus. “Don’t tempt me,” they said, watching her lips closely as she tied the cherry stem inside her mouth and presented it to them before tossing it. Remmy swallowed, throat suddenly tight. “That’s...quite the skill.” They almost didn’t notice her reaching for their glass, despite just moments ago they were going to yank it away as soon as she tried, but-- a loud thump! Made them both jump and Remmy turned their head quickly towards the source. Skin prickling for a moment, they subconsciously moved between Luce and the sound. “Maybe it’s just an animal? Is there a lot of wildlife up here?”

Watching as Remmy seemed to stammer at the little cherry stem trick, Luce couldn’t help but laugh. “What can I say, I’m very skilled. It’s not all about being good with your hands.” She said, pausing deliberately before adding, “You know, as a tattoo artist.” And a lesbian. But, as much as she would have loved to continue making Remmy squirm, whatever the fuck was out there was making a racket. Frowning as they stepped between her, Luce brushed passed them towards the window. Looking through, she shook her head in mild annoyance. She couldn’t see anything through the window. “We get stuff out here, sure. But most of them know better than to poke around here. I used to have wards all around to keep bears and moose away.” She said. Before she could pull away from the window, another loud thump rang through the cabin, this time on the other side of the house. Irritated, Luce made her way to the door, swearing quietly under her breath in Turkish. She was going to blow up whatever shitty animal was out here, trying to wreck her cabin.

“Right. Not just about...mmhmmm…” Remmy mumbled, absently following Luce when she brushed past them to go look out the window. Remmy also couldn’t see anything, but they could hear the skittering of feet, and a strange squelching noise. “Do you not hear that? Luce, I don’t think--” they started, turning in a half circle towards the sound, only to look back and find her heading for the door. The hairs on their arms were standing on end again, and say what one will, Remmy did have a good intuition about danger. It was part of being a soldier, after all, and what’d kept them alive on the field so long. “Wait, what are you doing!?” they said, stumbling quickly towards her. “I don’t think you should go out--” but they never got to finish, as in the next moment, the door was bursting open and something was leaping inside.

Remmy’s words of protest went ignored-- whatever the fuck was going on out there, it was nothing a good fireball couldn’t handle. Luce was just about to grab the door when whatever it was outside crashed through. Startled, she just barely reacted in time to dodge out of the way of gnashing teeth that lurched through the door and were intent on ripping her face off. Luce slid out of the way, her shoes skidding across the wood floors while the slick, disgusting creature whirled around. A thick, dripping tongue appeared as the thing sniffed at the air before leaping again at her. Not missing a beat, Luce drew from one of the candles next to her and directed a long stream of fire from the candle towards the beast. But… the flames seemed to dissipate the second they touched the creatures skin. “You’ve got to be kidding me!” Luce shouted in disbelief before scrambling out of the way as the monster threw itself at her again. First Mr. Blume, now this slimy ass monster. How many magically immune monsters were there?

Remmy instantly went into fight mode. Their vision narrowed into a tunnel and all they saw was this thing, this creature-- slimy and pale with gnashing teeth-- lunging for Luce. And even though it didn’t click right away in their brain what it meant, that this thing brushed off her fire as if it were nothing more than a splash of water, they didn’t need it to. They were lunging this time, as the thing righted itself once more in the direction of Luce, and with a quick swipe of their arm, sent it careening into the fireplace from mid air. “Get up,” they barked at Luce, body between her and the creature. This time, there would be no hesitating. When they hesitated, people got hurt. Julie, Morgan, Mina. Not this time. “Stand back.” Words weren’t ever their forte, and when focused, even less so. But the creature, only momentarily disoriented, was already gunning for them again. Only launching itself at Remmy because they were in the way of getting to Luce. It tried to skirt around, but Remmy-- having only taken a sip of brain milkshake, and therefore still hungry- darted faster and stomped on the creature, stopping it dead in its tracks. Kicking it across the room once more. “What is this?” they asked, finally acknowledging Luce. “How do I kill it?”

Luce watched as Remmy smacked the absolute shit out of the monster, sending it into the fireplace. Holy shit. She stared in surprise before the authority in their tone had her rising to her feet, backing away without a second thought. Well, damn. Seemed like there was more bark to this zombie than bite. Pun intended. As amusing as the thought was, Luce immediately ducked behind Remmy as the shitty monster began to circle around them, trying to get to her. Its tongue still lolled out of its nasty, stubby head and it seemed like it was trying to grab at her with it. But, it completely ignored Remmy-- if they weren’t actively fighting against it, she had a feeling that the beast wouldn’t even lift a slimy claw against them. “I don’t know, I’m not a monster expert!” She said, her hands grasping Remmy’s shoulders to keep them firmly between her and the monster. The beast let out a roar and began to charge once more at them both. “Hit it till it dies? I don’t fucking know!”

Remmy ruffled their brow at Luce’s very unhelpful advice. They glanced back at her once more when they felt her grab their shoulders, pulling them slightly off-balance enough for the monster to launch itself directly into their stomach. Remmy stumbled back with an ‘oof!’ but hardly moved an inch, feet planted on the ground, guarding Luce from the monster as it scrambled back, baffled by the unmoving body in front of it. Now wasn’t the time to get distracted. “Get behind the counter,” they instructed, backing up a little, so that the thing’s only way to Luce was through them or over the counter. Kept their arms up and ready, as it paced, as if trying to figure out the best angle. “Wh-what’s it doing?” they asked, leaning back slightly, wondering if it was going to launch again. Instead, it swerved and scrambled for the counter, spilling their milkshakes, the container of brains, and everything else around in a loud clatter. Remmy lunged on top of the counter and grabbed the thing by its hindlegs, gripping them as tightly as possible as it ripped and tore to try and free itself from their grip. “Go!” they called out, “Run!” 

Following Remmy’s orders, Luce positioned herself in the kitchen with the countertop and the zombie all that protected her from the shitty fucking monster that was trying to eat her. As the monster seemed to size up the situation, pacing as it moved back and forth, Luce realized what it was doing. Just a second too late. The creature hurled itself over the countertop and she dove out of the way, throwing herself to the ground. Remmy had launched themself at the monster and she didn’t need to be told twice. Scrambling to her feet, Luce ran for the door. Throwing it open, she ran outside and looked around her yard for-- there it was. An ax, leaned up against the wood pile on the side of the house. Hefting the weapon, she gripped it tightly in her hands. If that thing came for her again, she was going to go down swinging.

Remmy was grateful that Luce had the sense to get the fuck out of the way when told. The monster shimmed in their grip and jerked enough to tumble both of them from the counter top to the ground, Remmy’s hands still firmly around its back legs. It scrabbled on top of them and bit hard into their shoulder, immediately reeling back with a hideous yowl. “Hey!” Remmy shouted, rolling to their knees and tossing the thing hard into the oven, its body crashing through bottles on the counter and whatever appliances Luce had out. “Rude!” It continued to spit and heave as if the taste of Remmy in its mouth was the most awful thing, but Remmy didn’t stop to wonder why, grabbing a knife from the woodblock on the floor. They slashed at it, and it cried out again, leaping away, scrambling for the door, little legs carrying it faster than Remmy thought something so small and stumpy should be able to move. “Stop!” they shouted, leaping after it in a hurry, trying to get the door closed before it got outside. Hands slamming the wooden door so hard they heard something in the creature-- or perhaps the door itself-- crack, jamming the thing in between it. At least it was held in place now, and Remmy started applying more pressure to the door, shouting with a great heave as they attempted to crush the thing between the door and its frame.

Luce winced as she heard shouting, smashing, and cracking come from the inside of her cabin. Fuck. She was going to need to hire a carpenter or something to fix the place, wasn’t she? Grimacing, she held the ax firmly in both hands and made her way towards the door of her house. Fucking shitty ass monster, interrupting her date, destroying her cabin, attacking her in her own goddamn home. When the monster appeared in the doorway, Luce watched as Remmy chased after it, smashing the door into it. But, she wasn’t empty handed anymore. If fire wouldn’t work on this shitty monster, an ax would do the job. “Open the door!” She shouted as she ran up onto the porch, poising herself just outside the door frame. She could hear the monster’s efforts to break free intensifying. It could clearly smell her. “Let it out, Remmy!”

“Are you crazy!?” Remmy said, looking up as Luce shouted for them to let it out. “It’s trying to kill you! I’m not letting it out!” The thing began to struggle back against them, the door shaking open just enough to let it squirm its way out. Remmy stumbled back but quickly regained balance. It was readying to leap at Luce again, and Remmy reached out over it, grabbing the axe while simultaneously shoving Luce out of the way. Its mouth closed around the space where she’d been and Remmy reeled the ax back, before swinging it down with all their might. The blade went straight through the creature’s body, pinning it to the porch, and it let out a loud, blood curdling screech. It squirmed, and squealed, and struggled as it bled out under the ax’s blade, Remmy’s hands knuckle-white grip. It finally stopped moving and for good measure, Remmy lifted the ax one more time and brought it down on its head, cutting it clean off. With a huff, they straightened up and turned to look at Luce, a smear of whatever that thing was blood across the front of their shirt. “Are you okay?” 

Luce had thought she was prepared to attack when the monster forced its ways out of Remmy’s grip and out the door. She’d thought she had been prepared and ready to strike. But, instead, she found herself being shunted out of the way with a firm hand. The ax was suddenly in their hands and coming down once then twice. Her eyes widened as Remmy brought the ax down with enough force that the creature's head was quickly and brutally separated from its body. Blood splattered across their shirt and pooled on the front of her porch. Heart pounding, adrenaline still screaming through her veins from yet another near death experience in this fucked up town, Luce stared at Remmy for a long moment. She closed the gap between them and grabbed them by the front of their shirt. “Holy. Fucking. Shit,” She breathed, before pulling them in for a rough, bruising kiss. Lips pressing hard against theirs, Luce’s fingers grasped their shirt tightly before she remembered– immediately, she stepped back. Pupils blown and lips slightly red, Luce laughed, shaking her head. “Aren’t you just full of surprises.”

Remmy opened their mouth to say something. Luce wasn’t talking, just standing there, staring, but in the next moment, she was kissing them roughly. Remmy swore they felt their heart leap into their throat. Felt as if it could just restart beating at any moment now. The axe was still in their hand, even as Luce pulled away. It was their turn to stare, cheeks flushed, eyes wide. “Guess I am,” was all they managed to say, before tugging her back to them to kiss her again, this time reciprocating the roughness. They somehow felt breathless, without the need to breath. After a moment, they pulled back, finally remembering the ax in their hand and the dead thing on the porch. “Should...should we clean that up?”

Startled when they pulled her back in for another kiss, Luce felt her lips part all too willingly against Remmy’s. She hated playing the part of damsel in distress, particularly when she should have been able to handle whatever shit was thrown at her. But, if this was the pay off? She could get behind it. When they broke apart, Luce blinked, slightly punchdrunk from the kiss and the rush of the fight. Glancing down at the dead monster on her front porch, she grimaced. “Probably. Or…” Her voice trailed off as she ran a hand up their arm, tilting her head back inside her cabin with a smirk. “We can go back inside and deal with that later?”

Remmy’s skin prickled as Luce ran a hand up their arm. Her fingers were warm against their cool skin and the sudden awareness they had of feeling her tough them made their entire chest feel like it was somersaulting. They looked at her with heady eyes, lump in their throat, still feeling worked up after the adrenaline rush. Did zombies even get those? It didn’t matter. All that mattered was that they wanted to keep kissing Luce and it seemed like she wanted that, too. “Yeah, let’s-- let’s do that,” they said, nodding as they followed her back inside the cabin, shutting the door. 

[bisexualfelicity]

No Other Version of Me - Chapter 4

Amalia Queen was once said to be so important that the universe made sure she happened. Yes, it was her mom who said that but it still counts. Now, she's an adult and struggles to be worthy of such sentence. She doesn't want to be a vigilante and make so many sacrifices like the rest of her family, but it doesn't mean she doesn't want to save the world.

Sequel to "Five Lives"

AO3 link

Chapter Four

“No,” is the only word they all seem to know. 

Amalia expected her parents position, they had always been against their children participating in vigilante activities and were bound to be reluctant, but everyone else? That’s a stab in her back. 

“You can’t just join us whenever you feel like it,” Libbi says, with a offhand air that makes Amalia want to strangle her. “This is a serious business, you going would make it more likely to fail. Do you know how long I had to train before I was accepted into the team?”

Amalia does in fact know it; she also knows that this is not the point. She has no interest in joining the team, she doesn’t care at all about any of that, she just wants to fix what she broke. 

Continue to reading under the cut or on AO3

Libbi might be right in theory, but they don’t know what they’re going to find and they should all use any help they could. Dismissing Amalia just because she isn’t a vigilante? That’s petty. It’s not like she has never been trained, she’s done that her entire life. 

“Come on, honey, I can give you comms and you can hear what’s going on, right next to me,” her mom tells her, “I know it’s hard to sit and wait here instead of going there. I’ve done that many times, remember?”

“It’s not the same at all, Mom, you’re helping from here! I can’t do any of the stuff you or Will can do, I’m much more useful in the field and you know that!” 

“No, I don’t know that. You’re useful here, safe, where no one else is going to have to worry about you doing something wrong. I know it’s hard to hear, but it’s not just that you can’t help, Mali, but you can compromise the entire mission,” Mom continues.

The softness in her voice is what fills Amalia’s eyes with water. She doesn’t know what to say anymore, she has begged everyone. It’s not like her to be like this, but there’s something she can’t explain. She just knows she needs to join them. She’s tried to say that, but Libbi complained it was just arrogance because she couldn’t admit she had done something wrong by not telling them. Maybe that’s part of it, but it’s not all. 

The entire team arrow is looking at her with pity and she can’t stand it. It was bad enough when it was just her family, but now Zoe, JJ and Becky are here, acting like they are humoring a child. 

“I’m sorry, Amalia, but it’s for the best,” Zoe tells her, “I can assure you Team Arrow has this handled, we’ve been working on this for a long time. We’ll get her back safely.”

Becky sends her a kind look and Amalia remembers how reluctant everyone was to let her join the team, all those years ago. Now, she doesn’t say anything on Amalia’s behalf, choosing to side with the majority. Bunch of hypocrites, it’s what they are. She wonders if she should do it like Becky and force their hands, follow them or go solo… But she can’t even entertain the thought seriously. That’s not who she is. 

Will asks her if she doesn’t want to go to his house, spend the day with the kids instead of sitting here in agony. It’s a nice proposal, one she would certainly accept in other circumstances. She loves the twins and they are usually one of the only things that can get her in a better mood when she’s upset, it’s impossible to stay sad when there are two years-olds loving you. But the thought of leaving the bunker and not knowing what is going on? It terrifies her. 

Amalia denies the offer and retires herself to the punching dummy. No one says anything, instead she sees they all reunite around the table, going over the plans for the night. She focus herself on the activity and tries to imagine as she were fighting real people. 

She doesn’t enjoy punching, always preferred the martial arts, but this works for now. She feels her vision blur with tears but fights against them. There is a time and place for crying and it’s late at night in her bed. Amalia knows the thoughts are just waiting for a moment of weakness and she refuses to give them an opening. Instead she steadies her breathing, stares at the bag and concentrates on the burning feeling on her fists. 

The more she punches it, the easier it gets. The pain doesn’t bother her, it helps focus. Her thoughts can’t go to the future if her body yells loud enough for her to pay attention in the present. 

“You should probably take a break,” a voice says behind her and it takes Amalia a few seconds to realize it’s Sara. “There’s pizza, I got you a slice.”

Amalia blinks as she processes the information. Glancing at her watch, she realizes it’s already lunch time; somehow the hours had passed while she tried to bury her thoughts. She looks around the bunker, and sees most of the team eating around the table. Her mom is looking at her direction, probably trying to figure out if Sara would get her to eat something, but turns away as soon as she sees Amalia looking back. 

She accepts the slice from Sara, even though she doesn’t feel the least bit hungry. She waits for Sara to leave, but the woman just stares at her.

“Thank you?” Amalia mumbles as she takes a bite, wondering what exactly Sara wants from her. Sara just laughs at that and sits on a futon next by. 

“How are you holding up?” Sara asks.

“Shouldn’t I be the one asking that?” Amalia replies without thinking, immediately realizing how true that is. “I’ve been making this all about myself. I didn’t even get to say I’m sorry to you and Nyssa. I should have done something when Naila came to me… Now both your daughters are missing. I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah, you should have. But it’s okay, I understand why you didn’t and there’s no point in beating yourself up. We’re going to get them back. They are strong girls, they can protect themselves, I’m not worried about their safety.”

“What are you worried about then?” Amalia questions, reading Sara’s expression.

“There are other ways to hurt them. Taliq… wasn’t a good father. They are adults, but they never got to confront him. I’m not sure how that is going to affect them,” Sara sighs, burying her face in her hand. “You should probably talk to Naila after we get her back. She misses you.”

“I miss her too,” Amalia confesses, her voice no louder than a whisper, “I shouldn’t have sent her away by herself. I knew it was important but I was just so angry at her for showing up like that, I barely listened to what she was saying,” Amalia feels the hole in her chest aching and finds herself looking up to avoid crying again. “If the situation was reversed, she would have helped me. Even after all this time, I know she would.” 

“You can help now,” Sara says and it doesn’t escape Amalia how she doesn’t deny that Naila wouldn’t have betrayed her this way. 

“No, I can’t,” she complains, “The plans are already made, I have no skills I can use from here and no one will let me go in the field. Best case scenario, Naila comes back and I’ll have to look into her eyes and explain why I just stood by while she was kidnapped.”

There is more to be said, but Amalia doesn’t say it. She can’t even say it to herself, let alone to Naila’s mom, but that’s the most important part. She betrayed Naila. God, she had made so many mistakes with Naila, but she had been given a chance to make it right and she somehow made it worse. If something happened to Naila now… There would be no coming back for them. 

“Okay,” Sara says after a few seconds of silence, “How are your fighting skills?”

“My- what? They are good. My dad trained me since forever and I still practice. It’s better than gym,” she answers not understanding the relevance until Sara stands up and goes to the fighting mat, looking directly at her.

“Show me you can hold yourself in the field and I’ll see what I can do for you.” 

Amalia doesn’t waste any time, she’s full of adrenaline and motivation, so eager to prove herself that it only takes Sara a few seconds to get her down. But Amalia gets up and goes again and again. She has tears in her eyes by the time Sara throws her in the floor for the fifth time. But Sara still hasn’t said a word and Amalia continues to try. 

When Amalia finally has the upper hand and Sara is down, it’s likely because Sara let her have a win, but neither mentions a thing. Instead Sara smiles to her and they continue to fight for a while, until Sara stops.

“Okay. You can go.”

“I didn’t win… at all,” Amalia says, not understanding how that proves anything.

“Good! That would be very embarrassing for me if you did,” Sara winks, “Not many people can beat me, Amalia, doesn’t mean they can’t hold themselves.”

Sara doesn’t wait for Amalia to reply, she makes her way towards the team. Amalia follows her, noticing how the entire team observes them, probably saw the entire fight. 

“Good fight? Are you feeling better?” Amalia’s mom asks when they approach.

“Amalia is going with us,” Sara says matter-of-factly. 

“Excuse me?” Mom is the first to react.

“We’ve already decided she won’t,” her dad continues. “What’s going on, Sara?”

“I’ve talked to Amalia, and I think she could be a good asset for the mission,” Sara explains like it’s very simple.

“Are you kidding me?” Libbi decides to make her opinion know, “She had just accepted she was not going!”

“We can’t have a new person like that on the team,” Zoe says, “She’s not used to being in the field, it’s too risky.”

“I’m not asking for permission. I’ve requested Team Arrow’s assistance, but this is not your mission. Amalia is under my command.”

Everyone is surprised by Sara’s decisiveness, but no one more than Amalia. Sara may have said she would help her, but convincing everyone of it? That’s a different story. But Sara is right, this is a League business first and foremost, everyone there is under Sara’s command. Everyone but Nyssa, but she doesn’t say anything. From what Amalia understands from their relationship, if Sara is vouching for her, Nyssa is going to support her wife. 

“Sara… A word, please,” Oliver says, and both of them go to a corner, being quickly followed by their wives.

Her parents might trust Sara with the mission and, well, probably with their lives, but Amalia is not so sure they are going to trust her life to Sara. She can see her parents arguing with Sara and doesn’t bother to listen to it, she’s heard it all. The longer the conversation goes, the more nervous Amalia starts to get. Is Sara right to stick by her side? What if she does something wrong? 

Her siblings try to talk to her, but she ignores them. She doesn’t really want to hear them right now, her attention is on her parents. When they seem to finish their talk, her parents stay behind talking to each other.

“Let’s do this!” Sara says to the group. “Libbi and Becky, let Amalia know how the plan is going. Zoe and JJ, with me, we’re going through the plan one last time to include Amalia in it.”

Amalia can’t stop a smile forming on her face. She isn’t sure she’ll be necessary, but she’s going to be there and that counts for something. 

“Don’t screw this up, kid,” Sara tells her before joining the others on planning. 

She feels her parents next to her before she sees them. They both look more worried than before and Amalia feels guilty for being the reason. As the person who was always the one left behind, she can understand how they feel, but not enough to give this up.

“Mali, listen,” her dad starts, “We can’t stop you from joining. You’re an adult and you can take care of yourself, we know that. But please, just promise that you’ll listen to us while on the field, if we tell you to get out, you have to get out. No matter what happens, you understand?” 

“Sure, I know how it goes,” she frowns, “When have I not been known to follow plans?”

Her parents exchange a look, but Amalia doesn’t understand them this time. She is a rule-follower, has been for her entire life, she’s not going to go rogue. 

Amalia’s just going to go there and help save Naila. She doesn’t even need to do anything, she just wants to be present. To show that she cares. 

It’s her chance to prove herself and she’s not going to fuck it up. 

December 2036.

Naila could beat Amalia in a fight while she slept, something that she doesn’t hesitate to say. A few months earlier, Amalia would have brushed it off as a faux-pas due to Naila’s education, now she knows she’s just being teased. 

“I always manage to beat Libbi,” Amalia complains.

“That’s no feat, she’s eleven,” Naila replies, a smile on her face. “You need to take more risks, your moves are too predictable.”

If Amalia knew Naila would take it so seriously, she would’ve never suggested training. Her intention was to do something that would make Naila more comfortable since the girl had been stressed with the holidays coming. They had gone shopping with Claire and Violet the day before, and Naila attempted shopping alone for the first time. While Amalia found Naila’s worries adorable, she could see the weight Naila was putting on it. 

And okay, Amalia has to give herself some credit because Naila is anything but uncomfortable now. She’s even laughing… But Amalia doesn’t like that the laughing matter is herself. 

“No one has ever complained before,” Amalia grumbles, going for another move, trying and failing to surprise her friend. “I’ve followed every rule I know!”

“It’s not about rules,” Naila starts, “How can I explain? You fight like you’re going to compete in the olympic, as if there is a judge and a specific set of rules. We fight to defeat the opponent no matter who they are and how dirty they play.” 

“Well, you guys murder people, so I’m not sure I want to be like that,” Amalia says, bitterness flooding from her mouth, and immediately regrets it, noticing she offended Naila. 

“That’s fair,” Naila answers, biting her lips instead of arguing, “It is the league of assassins, after all. But we’re not like it used to be before. We protect people,” she explains. “It’s not as savage as it sounds. There are other ways to defeat people. Despite the name, we only kill when it’s necessary.”

“Still, I can’t understand how you don’t have a problem with it,” Amalia continues, “You’re telling me you’re ready to kill people?” 

That’s going too far, but Amalia realizes that too late. She has tried to separate what she knows of the League with what Naila talks about her home, but she can’t make sense of it and it bothers her a lot. It’s been almost six months since they started being friends and Amalia can’t reconcile the girl who seats to her next to classes, likes to make sketches of random students and gets nervous buying presents with someone who is going to kill people as a way of living. 

“It doesn’t matter if I’m ready or not,” Naila says after a few seconds in silence, “My family is the League, I’ll join the mission after I’m done with school.” 

Amalia is about to let her opinion be known when Naila drops her in the floor, going back to training as it never stops. Despite thinking there’s more to be said, Amalia gets the message. There would be other opportunities to discuss it, and at least for now Naila is safe. Safer than Amalia apparently, if her fighting skills are anything to go by. 

And when she leaves… Well, Amalia doesn’t really want to think about that. Naila is a good friend, she balances her friends dynamic in school and is someone she’s starting to get used to having in her life. 

Putting those thoughts behind her, Amalia focuses on the girl in front of her. While she may have restarted the battle, Naila’s mind doesn’t seem to be fully on it, because it doesn’t take long for Amalia to pin her on the ground, winning a round for the first time since they started.

“Not so almighty now, are you?” Amalia laughs at Naila’s surprised face.

Their eyes interlock for a second and Amalia feels a bit of electricity running through her body. It occurs to her that she hasn’t moved and is still on top of Naila, holding her in the ground. She thanks god for the exercise so she can pretend her face is red because she’s tired and not for any other reason. Naila is looking at her with such intensity, Amalia wonders if she’s angry at her, but soon her friend is smiling at her again and she knows they’re okay. 

“Maybe you’re better than I gave you credit,” Naila says, “But I should be going now,” she completes, checking her watch.

“Right. What time does their flight arrive?”

“A little after 7pm. We’re picking them up on the airport and then going out for dinner,” Naila explains, “Sara wanted to do something special, because it’s been so long since we’ve seen them in person.”

“Are you doing something fun while they’re here?”

“No, no, Nyssa and Samyia have both been in Starling enough times, they have no desire in getting to know the city better. Mostly we just want to spend some time the four of us. It’s weird being apart for so long,” she sighs, “Samyia wants me to go back to Nanda Parbat with them.”

“What?! Now?”

“After the new year, when they go back,” she explains, “The plan was for me to stay for the entire school year, but Sara says she might go back in a couple months and it makes no sense for me to start a new semester and then leave.”

Amalia is shocked with this new information. She had just been thinking that they had so much time before Naila had to leave and now it could happen in a few weeks? Amalia’s heart feels like it’s going to fall through her chest.

“You can’t go now! You’re barely just getting used to it, and you’re getting so much better at paying attention to classes. Do you not enjoy it?!” It bothers Amalia how high-pitched her voice sound but she doesn’t seem to be able to control it.

“I do. School is interesting. And I like spending time with you… And Violet and Claire. It’s different, having friends your age,” Naila continues, “But I also miss my family. I can’t stay here forever, as much as I’d like to.” 

“You can! You can stay with your aunt, they’re family too!” Amalia insists, “Don’t give up on what you want because of your family. Look, you can go to a real school, you can even go to college after it instead of joining the league, have a real job. Doesn’t it sound so much better?”

“It sounds like  fantasy,” Naila corrects and Amalia almost rolls her eyes at that.

There’s something really wrong with your life if studying and having a job sounds more like fantasy than becoming an assassin. Amalia doesn’t say that though. 

“Please, talk to your family! Your moms thought you should try school here for a reason, right? Give yourself a little more time to figure out what you want.”

“I’ll think about it, I haven’t decided either way yet,” Naila concedes, “I’ll miss this city a lot.”

“Well… The city will miss you too.”

Amalia’s heart is beating fast and she can’t blame on the training anymore. She knows she’s in trouble because the thought of Naila leaving creates a hole in her chest. She bites her cheek so the tears don’t come forwards and tries not to think about what that means. 

It’s going to be okay, she tells herself. If Naila stays for just a little while more, maybe she can convince her to stay. 

[nellie-elizabeth]

Supernatural: Unity (15x17)

It's weird, I would have bet good money on this being a Buckleming episode, given how crowded it felt. But no, we're saving those chuckle-fucks for the penultimate episode, which just bodes... really super great and awesome.

Cons:

Like I said, this shit was crowded. In the span of one episode, we learn what Jack's final task is, learn what his weapon is and how he's going to use it to kill Chuck and Amara, see him implement said plan, and then fail at it, the episode ending with him on the verge of death with no outlet. It all happened lightning-fast.

And on the flip-side of that? I'm really feeling the pressure, considering there are only three episodes left, and I'm starting to get mighty nervous that our friend Castiel might not survive next week's outing. The trouble is... why has this whole last run of episodes been about Dean resenting Jack? Like, is there not enough else going on? The plot twist in this episode is really actually quite good, and it appeased one of my biggest worries about a way they might end the show in a really dumb fashion. But it's replaced by other concerns, one of which being that the Jack conflict feels manufactured, and has been given center stage for the end of the whole show. Jack is great, but why is Jack the main character after fifteen years?

Another rushed pacing moment... Dean has really lost the plot, hasn't he. I kind of like the idea of him getting so worked up, and his pain over his lack of free will making him act erratically and all that. I can totally dig that and see where he's coming from, to be thanking Jack and willing to sacrifice him, to go against what Sam and Cas want... but his whole point is that he can't live feeling like he's lacking free will anymore, right? Does that mean he'd rather be alive, and alone, than risk seeing what comes next if Chuck doesn't die? Like, he pulled a gun on Sam. A gun. Aimed at his chest. He didn't go for knocking him unconscious or trapping him, he straight-up threatened to shoot him. I can't imagine we're supposed to take that as a legitimate thing that might have really happened, but for me, the ramp-up to that level of behavior did not feel warranted.

Pros:

Despite the frenetic pacing, I do love me some good old fashioned melodrama, so I loved it when Dean is all "Jack isn't family!" and Sam makes the Pikachu face, and of course Jack heard it, and then they have to have a talk about it later on... Dean thanking Jack for his noble sacrifice was a really strange and intense moment that I quite liked for the sheer discomfort of it. This isn't Dean Winchester, he shouldn't be willing to let a kid die to save the world, but he's in such a twisted, emotionally messy place that it doesn't feel completely out of character. He needs to redeem himself, bigtime, of course... but I don't think it was written in such a way that made no sense for who Dean is and the trauma he's been through.

And I also think we forget sometimes that Jack is not human. His conception of the world isn't going to line up with what a young human man might think. He wants Dean's forgiveness/approval so much he's willing to die for it, but he also appreciates the narrative symmetry of his death serving a greater purpose and cleansing the path forward for the people he loves. As Sam says, it's very brave... but that doesn't mean it's not wrong.

Obviously obsessed with Dean talking about how he'd give up anything to kill Chuck and be free of him... and then Sam saying "would you give me up?" because we all know the answer is no, and Sam knows the answer is no... this codependency stuff is Bad but also So Fun To Watch, y'all.

The biggest, most important revelation of the episode, and the one that makes me cautiously optimistic that they won't screw up the ending too bad, is what Chuck revealed about this particular world. Dean and Amara? Not something he planned on turning romantic. Cas sticking around and becoming family with the Winchesters? Decidedly not part of the script. He refers to them as broken toys who won't obey, and hopefully Dean hears this for what it really means: they do have free will. They always have. They've disobeyed Chuck's will time and time again, and even though they fell into his trap regarding Jack and Amara this time around, in that he knew what they would do, knew what Billie was up to, it's still clear that they're making their own choices. That's really important for setting up the endgame. I'll still be... pretty damn pissed if anyone dies for noble sacrifice reasons in the next couple of weeks (ugh, it's gonna be Cas, I can just feel it in my bones, they're gonna kill him...), but oddly, I'll be less angry about it if it happens in a way that comes organically from the situation, and not something pre-ordained by a higher power as "the only way."

Seeing the Empty in the form of Meg was really fun, a way of calling back to a fan-fave without artificially injecting bad reasons for seeing old faces. The Empty is going to be... ahem... relevant for Cas' eventual fate (god, can you tell I'm incredibly nervous?), and I think seeing it here was appropriate.

Amara. Oh, Amara. Talk about a stealth-fave. I found her super annoying in her introductory season, but now she seems like a super chill gal who honestly just wants to relax and wants nothing to do with all these men and their messy situations, and like, girl same. I will say that she seems a little bit too persuadable, willing to believe Dean right away, and then willing to believe Chuck again just as quickly, but I think that sort of works given that she has all the power in the world but very little practical earth experience. The fusing of Chuck and Amara was a shocking development that I did not see coming, and it sets things in motion for a less predictable final showdown...

If indeed we even get a final showdown! Because guess what y'all, Billie is the final boss! Or... I don't know. Maybe. If someone had told me that at the start of Season Fifteen, I would have been annoyed by it. But as we round the final corner, if we want to honor the story as it's been told thus far, this actually makes a lot of sense and makes me excited for what the final episodes will be like. Please don't make it grimdark and stupid and pointless and dour... that would be such a waste of everything being developed narratively.

We shall see. I've got to say, my emotional investment is defensively low right now, because I don't want to have my heart broken by this dumb television program. I hope to be pleasantly surprised instead of disappointed.

7.5/10

[bookburnt]

a primer course on T.MA for my mutuals who followed me from other blogs and would like to know what the fuck i’m talking about!  (hi, guys.  love you.)  GONNA BE SPOILER-HEAVY IN HERE.

First off, big ups to the T.MA wiki, which you can consult on anything here, but this post is intended to serve as a very basic overview of the concepts relevant to this blog without forcing y'all to go into wiki levels of detail.  The first part of this post is some general TMA terms and concepts, and the second part is some characters who have been relevant to Gerry's story specifically.  If you're here for a better understanding of Gerry’s arc and don't care so much about the worldbuilding, scroll down to where I start talking about “who’s...?” and that should help you out.

what’s a “Leitner?”  A Leitner is a book but spooky.  They make bad things happen and, optionally, give you weird powers.  They're usually tied to one of the fourteen(ish) Entities, which I will get into in a bit.  Gerard hates these goddamn books, and has a knack for finding them and destroying them.  His mother, Mary Keay, ran an antique bookstore that did serious business in them.

what’s an “avatar?” An avatar is a (former?) human working closely with one of the Entities. Over time, the influence of their Entity changes them, often granting them certain powers in exchange for a psychological and physiological need to serve their Entity.

what are these “Entities?” / what’s this “Hunt?”  Put as simply as possible, the Entities are, like... fear elementals.  There are roughly 14 different entities, though the boundaries between them aren’t clearly drawn in all circumstances.  As follows, a quick overview:

The Eye. Fear of being surveiled.  The need to know the answers to questions that may destroy you.  The Eye is tied to the Magnus Institute. Its avatars can have the ability to magically Know things, understand all languages, and compel others to answer any questions they ask.  Gerry was tied to the Eye and had some capacity for Knowing stuff, but wasn’t fully its avatar - or if he was, he refused to feed it, which must have hastened his death.

The Desolation.  Fire, but without the warm fuzzy bits.  Pure unhinged destruction.  Desolation avatars can and will set you on fire with their minds.  Gerry’s extensive burn scars are the result of fucking around with a Desolation cultist and finding out.   (The cultist also fucked around with Gerry and found out.  He’s not around anymore.)  

The Hunt.  Being tracked by something that won't stop until it kills you.  The thrill of the chase.  Hunt avatars are capable of killing other avatars, even those who would otherwise be unkillable.  The possibility of Gerry being tied to the Hunt is never discussed in canon, but I’ve got my theories.  (That last phrase is a link to a post discussing those theories, it just isn't showing up like a link on desktop for some reason.)

The End.  Death and dying.  Manifestations of the End often involve disruptions of the natural processes of life and death.  For instance, the fucked-up necromancy book that Gerry got trapped in after dying was an outcropping of the End.

The Corruption.  Bugs, disease, rot, etc.  The Corruption's avatars may spread disease wherever they go, or they might just be chock full of worms.  Potential of controlling a worm army.

The Flesh.  The inherent weirdness of existing in a body.  Cannibalism. Flesh avatars may be hulking, twisted parodies of the human form.  They might steal your bones, turn you inside out, eat you, or all of the above.

The Distortion.  The inherent weirdness of existing in a mind.  Doors that shouldn't be there.  Getting lost.  Being unable to trust your own thoughts.  Distortion avatars look, well, distorted when seen in reflections or through glass.  Will probably try to get you to go through a door that wasn't there before.  You won't like what's on the other side.

The Slaughter.  War.  Violence.  Man's inhumanity to man.  The Slaughter often manifests in groups as well as in individuals, so you could get an episode of mass hysteria where an entire small town turns to butchering one another, or you could get an office assistant who just aches to do murder.

The Web.  Spiders.  Being controlled by external forces.  Can operate in extremely subtle ways.  Can also just be an unkillable spider who wants you to have a bad time.

The Vast.  Really big things.  Heights.  Your own terrifying insignificance on the cosmic scale.

The Buried.  Claustrophobia.  Being buried alive.

The Lonely.  Being completely alone.  Like, completely alone, and never coming back.

The Dark. What it says on the tin.

The Stranger.  Something that's not quite right.  A joke that you're not in on.  Clowns and/or mannequins that might kill you and take your skin.

BONUS: The Extinction. While the other 14 fears have been established for a while (the most recent is the Flesh, which only really came into its own with the advent of mass meat farming), the Extinction is a nascent entity born of anxiety around the idea of the human race destroying itself, and/or being replaced by something else. The boundaries of what constitutes an Extinction manifestation, rather than just a warping of one of the other fears, are unclear.

what’s a “ritual?”  Rituals are ways the Entities’ followers and avatars try to influence the world, usually with the end goal of making our world somewhere their Entity can live and feast full-time instead of just sporadically popping in.

what’s the “fearpocalypse?”  The only successful ritual to date, as of the end of S4.  Possibly the only successful ritual ever, given that it ended the world as we know it and let all 14 fears fully through the gate to fuck everything all the way up.  The sky is full of eyeballs now and that's not even the biggest problem.  This happened a while after Gerry’s death, but I have a verse where, due to his previous ties to the End and the general befuckening, Gerry is brought back to have a bad time with everyone else.

who’s Mary Keay?  Gerard's mother, founder and proprietor of Pinhole Books.  Had ambitions of starting a dynasty of supernatural power, starting with her only son Gerard, who ended up having other ideas.  Flayed herself in a ritual to make herself “beyond death” via the fucked-up necromancy book mentioned earlier.  Gerard was primed to take the fall for her seeming murder, but was let go after the book disappeared from evidence and several key witnesses retracted their testimony.  Despite the ritual being incomplete, Mary remained tethered to the world of the living for five years before Gertrude Robinson finally wrapped that up.

who’s Gertrude Robinson?  Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, and a stone-cold BAMF with a habit of sacrificing those close to her for (her idea of) the greater good.  The late Eric Delano asked her to look after his son Gerry, so naturally she let him live in torment with his abuser’s revenant for five fucking years, then swooped in when he was truly desperate.  She got rid of Mary Keay for good, and got Gerard to travel the world with her attempting to prevent various apocalyptic rituals.  The two would often pose as mother and son to strangers.         Being tied to the Eye, Gertrude seemed to be aware of Gerard’s impending death.  After he passed away, she bound him into that fucked-up necromancy book and left him behind.  (More on that here.) Gertrude was shot to death about a year later while trying to burn the Magnus Institute down and thereby prevent its head, Elias Bouchard, from doing anything apocalyptic.  (Tragically, she did not succeed.  SEE:  “fearpocalypse.”)

who’s Eric Delano?  Gerry’s father.  Died too early to ever really get to know Gerry, despite the sacrifices he made to restructure his life for fatherhood.  (We don’t need to go into the why of it here, but he did have to gouge his eyes out to try to be a stay-at-home dad.  And he did it.  We stan.)  Unfortunately, he’d fallen in love with Mary Keay, who used him to produce an heir for her planned empire, then murdered him with a pair of garden shears and bound him into that fucked-up necromancy book.  She later passed his page off to Gertrude Robinson, who spoke with him.  In that conversation, he asked her to look after Gerry and begged her to burn his page, as being bound into the book was a world of suffering. 

who’s Jurgen Leitner?  A rich, reclusive Norwegian who thought it would be cool and smart to start a library explicitly for corralling forces beyond human comprehension.  (He was wrong, and also stupid.)  Collected spooky books and put his name in them, giving them their common name.  Gerard hates this guy, associating him with the books that dominated his mother’s mind and indirectly ruined his life.  He hunted Leitner down and nearly beat him to death for personal reasons.  Upon meeting Leitner, he came away with the impression that this was just a scared old man, and couldn’t possibly be actually responsible for Jurgen Leitner’s library.  Ultimately, he chose to spare Leitner's life.  Unless we're talking about my canon-divergent Hunter!Gerry au, in which case he did not.

        Anyways, hope this has been helpful.  There's... a lot going on in TMA, but hopefully I've hit the parts that are most relevant to my writing here.  If you have any questions about canon, please feel free to ask!

[bladekindeyewear]

Freed up some time, actually!  Gonna blog the new pages of HS^2.  Liveblogging resume...

FYI, the post I glimpsed that alerted me to the fact that new pages exist had a translucent screenshot of Brain Ghost Dirk on it, so I know that at least is in store for me.  Makes sense; a way to involve Dirk’s voice obnoxiously heavily even when he’s too far away to narrate.  And ties into this... chapter(?) name, of course.  Chapters, huh?

> CHAPTER 1. Ghostflusters

God. Damnit.

Could we NOT???  No?

Fuck you, Dirk.  I blame you for this.

So we have greenery, a can-city and Sburb-legal human house mix... some sorta cow-looking thing from far away in the front yard...

The void resounds. Space seizes and warps as the bounds of relevance erode away to nothing but the wishful nostalgia of times passed. There is a hole in the middle of the universe, and it is hungry.

All very literally true.

But the denizens of this particular iteration of Earth C don’t know it. All of this is just business as fucking usual for a planet plagued by war, continuous inclement ghost weather, and the general malaise of being absolutely severed from canon.

--oh, FUCK.  This isn’t the new planet, this is Candy timeline Earth.  I didn’t wanna come back here!  :C

I guess that explains most of the content warnings.  Except fucking ALCOHOLISM.  Gee, thanks for adding THAT to the Candy timeline, as if it wasn’t fucked over enough!!!  Bluh.

I thought the closing lines of the Epilogue were that after RoboDave, Aradia and alt!Callie dove out of the Candyverse inside the singularity, the black-hole timelines and Dirk’s presumably-still-”relevant” nonsense weren’t going to collide with each other again?  So... why are we seeing this?  Is there going to be MORE influence like that, and the ending line was just fancy-talk?  Is it just an irrelevant little follow-up to Candy to show things turning out okay or pseudo-okay, like an epilogue to the epilogue?  Or is some of this Dirk nonsense presumably within the bounds of some sort of canon going to still have some last bit of influence on this so-called non-canon timeline?

That last one would make sense, given that it echoes how Homestuck^2′s dubious canonicity would still have definite influence on fanworks outside of canon.  Right?

Let me pull that last line from the epilogues again--

...where’s the Epilogues’ log, this is getting kind of hard to find with all their reorganization... fuck, I had to guess at the URL even.  Here we go, the last page of Meat...

The hole leaves behind an absence in the sky so calm that continuing to call it a sky wouldn’t seem to do it justice. It’s a perfectly neutral expanse into which anything one can imagine might be summoned. And for a while, anything was. But not anymore. Where the hole gaped just moments ago, there now exists an imaginary line.

Above this line resides all that matters. Below exists all else. Never again the twain shall meet.

...Right.  This implies that Canon and Non-Canon shall never meet again.  BOTH ways.  Doesn’t quite gel with the fact that we’re cutting back here--

Oh.

This is about Jake and Brain Ghost Dirk isn’t it.  I noticed his name down further on the page.  THAT’S why we’re cutting back here.

So, Canon and Non-Canon aren’t exactly meeting... not for anything relevant, anyway.  But we’re using Candy Jake’s visibility of Brain Ghost Dirk to get a better idea of Dirk’s broader self and plans through a splinter of him?  While getting another glimpse into how the post-epilogue Candy timeline is going for our, er... “curiosity”?  Is that it?

Hm.  I guess that doesn’t count as the twain “meeting”... I’ll just keep reading now.

They spend their days absorbed in the petty and pointless pursuits of “having jobs” and “raising families” and “falling in love”.

Is this Dirk’s narrator voice?  This sounds like something the current megalomaniacal Dirk would say.

I’m not going to quote the rest of the text’s further reminders of how Jane has been made into an absolutely fucked-over asshole in every timeline except the one where she grew old to open a Joke shop, adopt Dad, die, get prototyped and timeline-doubled, then mysteriously disappear from any mention in the Epilogues as if the Sprites were just forgotten about completely eventually.

> (==>)

Oooh, using the less-relevance-surrounding-parens that were used on retconned ghost!Vriska back in Homestuck proper to denote our presence in the non-canon Candy timeline? How handy!

Not a far-away cow, then.

John has been an incredible pal, opening up his home to Jake and his son on such short notice, and even offering him a pair of pants, as well as a shirt that he has so far neglected to put on.

Alright, that got a chuckle from me.

John’s house doesn’t have air conditioning.

What the flying fuck.

...Ah, John’s been away patching things up with Roxy some more, I presume.

It, like the rest of his assets, is in her name. She’d seen to that as soon as they were married.

Life players and assets, huh?  Always gotta be hoggin’ em.

He hasn’t seen much of Tavros today either, but that’s not unusual. He’s probably out with his kismesis, the one he thinks Jake doesn’t know about.

Huh.  Maybe Candy’s young Vriska?  Couldn’t get the real Tavros with your main self, so your alternate nigh-clone self settled with a human by the same name?  Or one of the other kids we heard of from this ‘verse..?

> (==>)

Jake’s hot man-bod cropped out of this image to avoid titillating my readers too much.

(Tumblr keeps jumping back to the top of my post after I add images and I keep thinking the title reads “Ghostfuckers”.)

Jake washes the dirt out from under his fingernails, and his eyes fall on the bottle still sitting on the counter. John had opened it, but together they’d barely touched the stuff. Jake had promised him and Tavvy he’d dry up his act and all, but... well.

God damnit.  If this is still Dirk-voiced narration -- I’m not sure it can be, now I think about it, as he’s supposed to be “out of range” or something, unless non-canon is just malleable like that, which wouldnt be surprising (or Dirk’s splinter’s presence allows it) -- he could literally be inducing or writing in Jake’s drinking problem just to hurt him more.  You can’t really put an overstep that assholish past Prince Dirk the way he’s gotten to be.

There was another ask in my inbox insisting that Dirk wasn’t going to stay the true villain here, if only as some sort of karmic revenge for declaring his self-importance... but I still don’t think that’s the case.  For one, Dirk HASN’T declared himself the villain... he still can’t see how fucked-up and unjustified his trampling over of everyone’s wills IS.  Shadows of recognition... but not really.  He really honestly believes he has the fucking RIGHT to do what he’s doing.

(Which is, incidentally -- to answer another ask -- why there’s basically NO chance that Rose has some sort of control or recognition of her situation under the surface, and is playing Dirk, as another person hopefully surmised.  No.  She really IS being unknowingly steered away from personal growth and recognition of the thought-control she’s under... because nothing less could feel as horrible to us.)

Part of the entire POINT of Homestuck and its Riddle was to show that these crazy kids, if they put their wills to it, always had the potential to be the literal Gods of the world around them.  That when ordinary people grasp the will and drive to shape the world around them, they can turn everything back from the brink of destruction... or vice versa.  Thus, it’s only appropriate that a player from this game could become a villain more disgusting than any we’d imagined in the series so far.  What he’s been doing -- writing twisted sorrow directly into the lives and experiences of those around him, nurturing their worst, most power-hungry tendencies (Rose) and deceiving them more directly than Doc Scratch (who was PART Dirk) ever did, making a JOKE of their free will in a more terribly direct way than ANY have been shown onscreen to do?? It IS, and is MEANT to be, the worst we have EVER seen in Homestuck.  Not as clumsy and from-the-outside as Lord English, but just as blatantly direct.  Not as easy to ignore or mistake as Doc Scratch’s horrible, intentional Prince-of-Hearty worsening of the players, instead just as impossible to gloss-over as it is to bear witness to.  That very TITLE, “Prince of Heart”, can embody the very ANTITHESIS of the Ultimate Riddle itself, robbing EVERYONE of their ability to shape not just the world around them, but even so much as themselves or their very thoughts.  When used the way Dirk is using it RIGHT NOW, anyway.  And his ambition is to impose this on all of Paradox Space.

There COULD be another villain, later.  But I can’t imagine a single one more appropriate.  And Andrew’s just the type to use one of the Striders, both practically self-inserts of parts of his personality and presence, as that ultimate villain to be overcome in a story about escaping Canon, too.

Turning his ex into an alcoholic just for his own self-satisfaction?  In a side timeline where Jake didn’t even try a relationship with him again and finally had a chance to grow up happy in SOME universe?  I wouldn’t put it past him, and you shouldn’t either.

Moving on.

> (==>)

Eugh.  I just... don’t want to think about him being an alcoholic on TOP of everything else.  As if there wasn’t enough to deal with in Candy already.

> (==>)

Hm?

> (==>)

The jungle air is heavy, humid, and familiar. Twenty years on and the thick drag into his lungs settles on him in a blanket of nostalgia, reassuring in its discomfort.

Hm.  Is this his fantasy, or a view of him in another timeline?

He is deeper in the jungle than he’d ever venture in his waking hours. There were places on his island that not even his Gran would tread, and she’d been the bravest person he’d ever known.

Hmm.  So he even knows it’s a dream, but is still in control...

Jake doesn’t recognize anything. The jungle of his dreams is wild and unknown, and there are things moving in the dense undergrowth.

...Hhhuh.  Still not sure what to think of this yet.

A sudden wind thrashes the canopy. There are pine needles in his mouth. There aren’t any pine needles in the jungle.

Very Dream, then.

> (==>)

--Yup.

> (==>)

Yoink--

> (==>)

JAKE: Yes you are i know that much. I saw your body! I carried your coffin chock full of all those stupid fucking swords! DIRK: Nope. JAKE: Dont nope me mister!

They would pile all those shitty swords into his coffin, yeah.

Anyway, now to see how much Prince Dirk is in this Dirk.  And if he’s in one mind with himself or has the slightest chance of feeling rebellious.

JAKE: I know a dead dirk when i see one! DIRK: Sure you do. But that wasn’t me. Are you really surprised to find out I got a couple of spares? JAKE: So what youre saying is you arent my dirk. DIRK: ...That is a whole ‘nother conversation that we really don’t have time for, pertaining to exactly who or what ‘your dirk’ actually constitutes. DIRK: Do you mean the Dirk from your timeline? DIRK: Then yes, that Dirk is dead. DIRK: If you mean the Dirk that you fucked and then ghosted, no, I’m not your Dirk. DIRK: If you mean the Dirk that you felt closest to, that you really knew--

...well, this Dirk still knows how to be a presumptuous, pushy creep.  :(

JAKE: Ahhh! Brain ghost dirk! DIRK: In the ghosty flesh. JAKE: Crumbs bro where have you been? JAKE: I could have used someone on my side! JAKE: You just disappeared one day without even the odd toodaloo to mark your passing! DIRK: That isn’t strictly true. I did disappear, but it was in a catastrophic blaze of hope-drenched pathos. I even threw out a couple one-liners. DIRK: But you wouldn’t remember that. JAKE: Because...it was a different dirk? DIRK: No, a different Jake.

Hhhuh.  So in the claymation-reproduced Lord English stagefight -- or, maybe more likely, the pre-retcon Aranea-induced Game Over timeline -- he was too washed out by hopesplosions to manifest properly?

DIRK: Until recently there’s been a shortage of ambient narrative relevance for Dirks, since one particular motherfucker has been sucking it all up like a thirsty little twink at his first interspecies rave.

Hm!  So Prince Dirk has been making it so other splinters of himself have really limited ability to influence, huh?  Guess that’s a sort of price for the narrative-hijacking power he’s attained.  Wonder how this Dirk really feels about that.

> (==>)

--Pff.  He’s certainly not shy about letting Jake know he shouldn’t trust him, though!  That’s a good sign.

I’ll split the post here for a bit.  Seems we’re about halfway through this upd8 from the look of the log.

[onwardintolight]

In which Onward rereads the Thrawn Trilogy and writes a massive review (and some other related stuff)

Alright, so I know I said that the characterization vs. plot thing in new canon vs. Legends was a rant for another time, but I’ve been thinking about it nonstop since and I really need to get a few thoughts out, so I guess this is that time, lol.

I’ve recently been diving into some of the Legends books for the first time in years. Partly because I’ve started listening to audiobooks and can get a whole lot more reading done in a day than I was able to before, and partly... well, I’m just curious to revisit it. I read a number of books from the old EU as a kid, and I definitely had mixed feelings back then. On the one hand, I was delighted—more Star Wars! Yay! On the other hand are the mixed feelings, which have so faded from memory over time that all I can remember anymore is that I didn’t like how the books portrayed Leia.

So anyway, I’ve been curious to give some of them a shot again, and see what I think now (all except COPL. I’m never going back to that one). I started with two that have come on my radar through the Han x Leia fandom, Tatooine Ghost and Razor’s Edge. They were wonderful! I absolutely loved Tatooine Ghost, especially. Razor’s Edge was super fun and had some truly fantastic moments (including some unforgettable shippy ones), but it felt more plot-driven than I tend to prefer (give me ALL the deep character stuff!). Despite that, I still loved it. I already own Tatooine Ghost and I plan to get my own copy of Razor’s Edge, too.

Then I decided to revisit the Thrawn trilogy. 

Oh boy.

Before I dive into that, though, I first want to say that I have many friends on here for whom the old EU is their Star Wars. I have the utmost admiration for you all, and I mean no disrespect. I support you in this being your Star Wars 100%. I’m not seeking to get into any big arguments or flame wars. In fact, I will put most of my ranting about Heir to the Empire et al under a cut, so please feel free not to engage if that sort of thing bothers you. 

Honestly, I’m a big fan of focusing on positivity in fandom, of focusing on what I love and not harassing others who enjoy things I don’t. That being said, I do support a good critique. I guess what I’m saying is that I’m not trying to force my views on anyone, but I can certainly express them in my own space and support other people’s right to express theirs in their space. What better space to do so than on my tumblr?

Before I go under the cut, I have one last question for my old EU stans. Based on my enjoyment of Tatooine Ghost and Razor’s Edge, and knowing I’m a particular sucker for character-driven stories, especially if they involve Leia and Han (and/or their ship), are there any other Legends books you’d recommend? Please let me know because I would love to discover more of that goodness!

Now, onto the Thrawn trilogy....

(It probably goes without saying, but major spoilers ahead)

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Disclaimer: I’m sorry if I get some of the details wrong; I listened to the audiobooks and don’t have access to the books themselves right now so i’m writing out all these thoughts from memory

About Leia

So, it turns out that little me was right. Older me had the exact same reaction upon reading the Thrawn trilogy. What the heck did Zahn do to Leia? She seemed so diminished, shrinking. Hardly like Leia at all. If I had been reading a physical book, I would have been tempted to throw it numerous times.

First of all, she was set aside almost entirely for the first book. Despite the fact that the Empire was looking for Luke too, Luke got to be free and keep roaming the galaxy, doing his thing, and Leia was forced into hiding. If I remember right, it wasn’t really her choice (I believe it was Han who refused to take her no for an answer), nor did she argue it much. She just kind of followed the men in her life and let them do all the leading and galaxy-saving. Sounds a lot like Leia, right? *rolls eyes* Overall, she didn’t do much, and she didn’t have any part in the big climactic battle. 

(On another note this reminds me a little of one of Zahn’s new canon books, Thrawn Alliances. SPOILER ALERT: at a key moment, Thrawn pleads with Padme to talk with Anakin and try to convince him not to do something really terrible and disastrous that probably will result in people dying, and Padme basically just sighs, throws up her hands and says something like “It’s no use. When he gets this way no one can convince him of anything” and I just want to SCREAM BECAUSE NO THAT’S NOT THE FREAKING PADME I KNOW AND SERIOUSLY???)

Anyway. *calms down* 

In Dark Force Rising, Leia had a much more interesting plotline as she wins the allegience of the Noghri. I liked her better here, and she seemed a tiny bit more like the Leia I know. But it still just felt... lackluster. 

In The Last Command, she’s once again pushed to the side thanks to the men in her life making the decisions in the name of protecting her. True, I understand that for the majority of these books, she’s been pregnant, and so it’s not just about protecting her, but about protecting the twins. But that didn’t stop her from doing what she felt she needed to in Dark Force Rising. And in this book, she’s already given birth. Winter’s there; she can take care of the twins (as she eventually does). When the heroes assemble and go to Wayland for the big climax of the trilogy, she’s convinced by the men to stay behind (*cue me throwing imaginary book across the room*). Honestly, it felt contrived for the sake of the plot (she has to be there for what happens next) and more than a little bit sexist. 

She does eventually go, however, which made me want to cheer. I would have hated it way more if she hadn’t gotten to participate in the big last battle with C’baoth, particularly in light of the way the books had set her up as a Jedi-in-training (not very far along, but still). I was excited because surely this must mean she plays a big part in that, right? 

...She does not. She basically shows up and then gets trapped, doing hardly anything. Plot-wise, she’s pretty much there to provide an extra lightsaber and moral support of the Force-user variety. I’m glad she got to be there, but... yeah, overall, I’m really not happy with how these books treated my favorite character, and one of the actual main characters of the OT. It kind of felt like she was replaced by Mara, tbh. Which leads me to...

About Mara

Mara, like Leia used to be, is a very angry person, and for good reason. But her anger came off in these books as rather petulant and irrational. Once again, it felt a bit sexist. I hope I’m wrong, but the trajectory seems to be a trope that Leia has already been subject to (in ROTJ, as much as I love that movie, and with the job finished in this trilogy): Soften the angry woman. Make her pleasant and pliable and a little bit subservient. Legends fans, PLEASE tell me this doesn’t happen to Mara. I hope she continues to be a sarcastic, independent woman who takes no sh*t. I hope she loses none of her power, even as she loves and marries Luke. 

Mara had probably the biggest character arc of this entire trilogy. Unfortunately, that isn’t saying much. I really felt like her story had a lot of potential and could have been really compelling, but Zahn just doesn’t seem to know how to write characters with depth. In the end, her big moment of throwing off the Emperor’s power over her honestly just felt kind of contrived and shallow. Oh look, here’s a clone of Luke she can kill instead. That will magically make it all go away. Convenient. 

I wanted to love her. I think I probably could love her, if I read good fanfic. The problem is that the source material leaves all depth to the imagination.

About Everything Else

I mentioned that Mara seems to have the biggest character arc, but that wasn’t saying much. I had a lot of trouble distinguishing any other character arcs at all. The characters all seemed to be caught up in this big plot, carried along with it and deposited victorious at the end, without any obvious growth or change (except, again, for Mara). 

I suppose you could say that Luke learned to stand on his feet without the help of Ben’s Force ghost. But that was given such minor emphasis that I didn’t even think of it until this moment, weeks after finishing the book. 

Aside from my rage at the misogyny, I think this gets to the heart of why I disliked these books. The motivations and emotional/personal journeys of the characters are of utmost importance to me. To me, they’re the whole point. When a book is all plot and little character, I just... don’t care. It doesn’t feel real or relevant. It doesn’t show me that I can slay dragons, too.

I know that theoretically, I could imagine those character journeys. I could fill in the blanks in my mind, or through fic. I have a big imagination; I’m really pretty good at such things.

But tbh, when it comes to these books, I don’t even want to. To me, the plot itself felt pretty lackluster. I keep using the word “contrived” but it fits so well. Things happened and decisions were made that didn’t make much sense, just so the plot could go the way Zahn wanted it to. Now of course the same argument could be made for new canon (particularly, imho, the ST movies), but at least with new canon, there’s a deliberate and largely persistent focus on character. (And less sexism.) 

Other complaints: 

- I got sick of C’baoth in the first book. His villainy was not the least bit fearful or intimidating. His nearly prevailing over the heroes at Wayland felt more accidental than anything.

- Don’t get me started on stupid Bel Iblis and his stupid hurt manly pride that the women in power have to coddle and bow down to before he will lift a finger to help during a genuine EMERGENCY when he was desperately NEEDED (*cue me throwing the imaginary book across the room yet again*) (I think Leia would have had a few more choice words for him than she did in this book. They instantly presented themselves to my mind, at least)

- I can understand why Thrawn was such a big deal when these books first came out, but I think Thrawn is kind of oversaturated these days, and tbh I’m kind of sick of him (I’m going to blame the more recent canon Thrawn trilogy for that). While I like a good Sherlock Holmes mystery, I’m not too big on admiring that sort of “man as a machine” type character. Rationality is not everything, not by a long shot. It is empty and, frankly, shortsighted on its own. The best part about Thrawn’s story in these books for me was seeing him make mistakes (actual mistakes! yay!) and meet his end, perhaps in part due to that over-reliance on rationality and arrogance in his own abilities.

A few things I did like:

- another main female character, yay! Two if you count Winter

- I thought Talon Karrde was an enjoyable character and I’d love to see more of him

- I remember loving the vornskrs as a kid and a little bit of that adoration returned when I read this, bringing with it all sorts of happy nostalgia

- some parts of the plot were fun and exciting, and I could understand why they might feel iconic and Star Wars-y to others

Overall, however, I think Thrawn as a character kind of represents these books as a whole. It’s all very cerebral and practical. There’s art but it only serves the purpose of the rational. To me, these books felt like they were all mind, no soul.

I know that those of you who hold these books dear may disagree, and that’s fine. Honestly, despite my serious problems with them, I don’t hate these books. I might even read them again someday, maybe. I may be convinced to appreciate them more once I read people’s headcanons and hear what people love about it. So with that said, what DO you love about it? Where do you see these books’ soul?

[bygosscarmine]

LOVE SHIFTS SHAPE

Sky High: Magenta x Ethan, post-canon

a multi-chapter reunion story, in continuity with Love, Unspoken

Magenta is dreading the reunion in a mild “I’m in a successful band that has nothing to do with my powers” sort of a way, but she looks forward to seeing the friends she’s kept up with at the party.

Then, for a second she doesn’t recognize Ethan in his adult form, and things long forgotten (like her break-up with Zach) feel all too relevant again.

Read Chapter One here.

Read Chapter Two here.

Read Chapter Three here.

Chapter Four: With Friends Like These?

In the morning she woke to a few messages from Layla, and a series from Ethan. She read Layla's first. One was reassuring her that the doctors thought Warren would be fine, but getting him released would take some time in the morning. The next said Magenta didn't need to bring her anything.

Don't be ridic, Magenta texted back. I want to see you, and I leave this afternoon.

She did not open the texts from Ethan, not particularly won over by the preview she saw of the latest one. She dressed, packed, checked out, and went to the best coffee place in the hospital's vicinity, picking up three coffees in various styles for herself, Layla, and Warren, as well as some baked goods.

She turned down the hallway she thought held Warren's room, then all doubt disappeared.

"You didn't read my texts," Ethan said, by way of explanation.

"I came to see Layla," Magenta said, outraged.

"She's busy checking Warren out right now. Come on, I have to talk to you."

He looked tense. Magenta rolled her eyes, but she knew she'd do what he asked.

"Let me get the coffee to her. Is she in the lobby now?"

"They both are."

"Warren looking OK this morning?"

He turned back with her, said, "Yeah, if you like that kind of thing."

The elevator doors closed around them, and Ethan took up a spot leaning against the wall so he faced her.

"You know how I said we sometimes revert around people we knew at a different time in life?"

"Yeah," she said, refusing to make eye-contact.

"I'm guilty. I did something dumb last night, because I reverted to a seventeen year old prick."

"Please don't tell me anything about your fight with your girlfriend until we are off this elevator and I have given this stuff to Layla."

He obliged by staying silent, putting his back to the elevator wall instead of turning toward her. This meant she could look at him out of the corner of her eye. He was in another suit, though this was a neutral gray with a plain white shirt. He filled it well, and she suspected it was tailored the way her band got their tour clothes done. His hair still had the same curl but his haircut was sharp--shaved close at the sides of his head, a quarter-inch length at the top shaped neatly.

She remembered the anger he'd slipped into revealing the night before, about being a person of power that had no heroic applications, what he said about compensating.

"I don't think we need to hide behind anything anymore," said Magenta. "We've done more than many people do, whether they have powers or not. And if you ever need a subject with a weirdly lame shapeshifting ability, you know who to call."

He looked at her sharply, but didn't answer. The elevator opened at their floor.

Layla was easy to find in the scatter of the clerks, after which Magenta spotted Warren sprawled only a little too stiffly on a chair close by.

"Have some coffee," Magenta said, trying to sound casual. "I'll be hanging around when you're done."

"Thanks," Ethan said to Layla, mysteriously.

Then he led Magenta to a somewhat sad landscaped area with a bench. Magenta plopped onto it and with a dramatic sigh opened her texts. "Okay, what did you have to say so late last night while you were..."

He stood just an arms-length, at attention, almost as she read:

I was a little startled about you

tonight I mean

I mouthed off like a stupid teenager and now I have to backtrack

stop being difficult and call me

She looked up.

"What startled you?" She felt immediately like she didn't want to know, and added, "The fact that I was wearing jeans without holes in them?"

Ethan ignored this bait, though.

"I thought I was over it. We were gonna say hi, and it would be just like messaging you through the game, where you're some ambiguous memory of a teenager, just slightly less moody. That we'd hit it off talking about Call of Sacrifice and stupid bets on speed-runs. And then it wasn't like that."

Warily, Magenta said, "I mean, we could talk about games now, if you want. I'm back in a baggy tee shirt, if the silk blouse was bothering you."

"It still is bothering me," Ethan said. Now they were looking at each other, he sat on the bench, getting intimidatingly close. "I saw you go through a moment of not recognizing me, too. Then I got mad when you asked me over, because I couldn't help remembering the last time I asked you out. Do you even remember?"

Her face got hot.

She had just broken up with Zack, and Ethan had come over to play X-Box. He'd casually said, "I'd take you out," when she'd made some bitter comment about Friday nights (as if she and Zach had done anything interesting on Friday nights), and she'd laughed.

It had taken her a few weeks to realize that there was a correlation between that and the way Ethan had slowly tapered off coming by her place, and sitting with her at lunch.

"Wow, you can hold a grudge, huh?"

"I can hold a crush, more like." He tilted his head to look at her, as if assessing. "I was embarrassed you'd ask me over just like that, when I spent two years trying to be not in love with you. I figured maybe it was an innocent invitation. Then we were in that waiting room last night, and I didn't really care, either way, but I had dug myself a hole with a fake girlfriend I had to get home to."

Magenta dropped her eyes down to her hands, unable to handle the intensity of his look. "I still leave town this afternoon," she said.

"And you go home where you can install Call of Sacrifice, finally," he said. He leaned in close, and said softly, "Where they have a voice-chat feature now."

She shivered, but when he moved toward her, she didn't draw back. This hug wasn't awkward, because if she buried her face in his collar to smell his restrained sandalwood cologne, it wasn't creepy anymore.

"You have your revenge," she finally said. "You grew up sexy, and I didn't notice over text-chat."

"Don't make me kiss you senseless in a hospital garden," he murmured, lightly brushing his lips on her temple. "When is your flight today?"

"It's not until 4:30."

He pulled back, and she stood up, finding he was holding her hand. Was reluctant to make him let go.

He got a text message, and looked at it. "Oh. Layla is hinting that they're about to leave the hospital."

Magenta told him, "I am going to spend some time with her."

He let go of her hand, and stood, too. "Then I'm going to go check in at the university, and I'll see you later."

She didn't like this practical attitude at the moment at all, so she put her hands up to draw his face close and gently kiss him.

The small breath he puffed out when their lips stopped touching told her what she needed to know.

"Am I going to meet you at the university or at your place?"

He considered this a moment, eyeing her speculatively.

"By which I mean, are we going to talk for two hours somewhere quiet, or are we going to cuddle and shoot aliens before you take me to the airport?"

"There is zero chance you can keep me from talking anyway, so let's shoot some aliens while we're at it."

If Warren and Layla noticed them walking a little too close to each other as they rejoined them, they didn't mention it.

After depositing Warren at home, Magenta took Layla to the pharmacy to fill his prescriptions and listened to her vent about her worries about Warren, her regret at missing the reunion, and how much she liked The Wastelanders' newest album. Only once they were in the backyard garden, with Warren napping in the house, did Layla finally say, "So, Ethan, huh?"

"What about him?" Magenta asked.

Layla rolled her eyes. "You two have only been the most annoying non-couple I know for seven years now."

"I was dating Zach six years ago," Magenta protested.

"So?" Layla said. "Even Ethan, the completely clueless, knew that wasn't going to last."

"Poor Zack might be the only one who didn't," sighed Magenta. "I had no idea about Ethan, though. I mean, about him now. I literally didn't recognize him for a second."

"Yeah," Layla got a cat-like grin on her face. "He's been getting finer and finer. Someone really needs to stop him."

"Back off, you already have a boyfriend," said Magenta, amiably.

"Oh, Warr is way sexier than Ethan. But he's never going to be suave like him."

"He was really good with you last night," said Magenta, "I was surprised. Where did he get social skills? I still haven't found any."

Layla laughed. "So what's next?"

"We're meeting up this afternoon." Magenta's attempt at casual was almost as transparent as Layla's skin.

"Is it going to be hot and heavy, do you think?" Layla was blushing slightly, though that didn't mean much. The hibiscus behind her also seemed to bloom a little more furiously, though that could have just been because Layla was there. "Or are you going to take it slow?"

"I honestly can't say," Magenta answered. "We left it kind of open. The theory is some video games and some necking. It's very weird, but also a relief."

Layla nodded sagely. She glanced at the house and said, "By the time Warren and I worked it out we had a lot of tension built up. But we hadn't been long distance, either."

After a thoughtful pause, she asked, "Why not delay your flight?"

"Because then I'd have to go visit my mother. And while visiting her with a boyfriend finally would thrill her, especially since he's genetically a super, I probably want to be more sure of the whole thing before I give her that string to clutch."

"I heard she did a job despite her retirement recently. Did she talk to you about it?"

"Not as much as Will Stronghold's Facebook page did," Magenta said drily. "Is he who you heard about it from?"

"No, I don't follow him on Facebook," said Layla, quite seriously. "My mom was telling me about it. She occasionally has a desire for a last fling. But I'm not surprised Will was starstruck."

Majesty Notani's mother was Radiance Arete, who shape-shifted into a hawk, and had the distinction of being the first female super honored with her own Saturday morning cartoon run. She occasionally brought this up when Jetstream Stronghold was being praised too highly in her own home. It was funny to think of a similar dynamic playing out in a different house.

Talk about parents and glory days and the inevitable comparisons filled the next hour until Warren woke up and tried to make himself nachos, which required intervention from his partner. Magenta wished him well not getting killed by his own girlfriend, and went out to her car.

She texted Ethan, as if replying to his last text.

Am I being difficult if I say it's time to send me your address?

He wrote back, Come and ask me in person and included his apartment location.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #228

“blood on her skin, dripping with sin, do it again, living dead girl.”

How many sugars do you like in your tea? Man, I find A LOT of tea or coffee questions in surveys. Anyone who reads these knows by now I hate tea. Ever heard of a band called The Dresden Dolls? I fucking love "The Gardner," but it's the only song I know. What was the last movie you saw that made you laugh out loud? Idk, I watch movies so rarely. Who’s your favorite superhero? Deadpool, if you count him (technically an anti-hero, I kno). Otherwise, I don't really know. Possibly Spider-Man. What does your regular attire consist of? Pajama pants and tank tops lmaoooo. Popsicles or Ice cream? Ice cream. Are you good at solving math problems in your head? It's almost impossible for me to. Even simple addition. What kind of M&Ms do you like best? Normal chocolate ones. What is the last thing you tried on in a store? Uhhhh I think formal shirts when I was actually working on getting a job... Are you comfortable enough around your friends to change in front of them? No. Does your best friend wear makeup? No. Have you ever dated someone in secret? No. How do you get splinters out? Tweezers. Do you ever send people good morning texts? Sara sometimes. Is there someone who makes you blush when you just say hi to them? No. Do you kiss your pets? Of course. Why did you go to church the last time you went? My then-friend was having a serious "reborn" and devout Christian phase. Who’s the richest person you know? I don't know. How old is the oldest person you know? I also don't know. 90-something. Who's the last person who asked your name? My math professor needed a refresher when handing out test results. Have you ever been so drunk you couldn’t even talk right? No. Do you know anyone with a million middle names? I know someone with three or four. Do online dating sites ever work? For some people. When you were a teenager, did your parents set rules about dating? No. Have you ever lived with a person who you tried to avoid at all costs? No. Have you ever committed a crime that directly harmed another person? No. Did you grow up in an urban, suburban, or rural area? I guess suburban/rural mix? Which disease do you personally think is the most horrible? Alzheimer's. What is your worst childhood memory? I mean it depends on what stage of childhood, but I'm going to assume you mean like, pre-pre-teen years. In that case, just my parents fighting. Do you remember where you first drove to after getting your license? N/A What did you get into trouble for the most when you were a kid? Fighting with my little sister, probably. What is your biological sex? Female. What is the oldest gaming console you own? A GameBoy Advance. Of all the houses you’ve lived in, which has been your favorite? If you excuse the bad memories, my previous one. Do you get sunburnt easily? Oh yeah. What’s the color of your front door? White. Your favorite ice cream flavor: It alternates between just plain chocolate and vanilla. How many people have you been really in love with? Twice. Your favorite song at the moment: "Necessary Evil" by Motionless In White feat. Jonathan Davis. What’s most important for you? My well-being. Do you snore? No. What are you looking forward to right now? Mark's next big project comes out October 30th and I can't physically wait, but after that, all I care about is December getting here so I can go up to Sara's. What’s the earliest you’ve ever had to wake up for work? N/A Do you use reusable shopping bags to reduce waste? No, but I wish... I don't do the shopping in my house, so it's not really my decision. How many times have you moved? Three times *really*, but you could kinda say four when Jason, me, and our two friends/another couple moved into an apartment together; my name was in no way involved as being an official resident, but it eventually came to a point where I was there every day and night for quite a while. Do you know anyone who has changed their first name? Yes. Do you know anyone who has been on life support, and survived? No. Do your parents have a strong relationship together? HA HA fuck no. They've been divorced since I was like 16. Have you ever read any of Charles Darwin’s works? No. Do you think there are more dimensions than what we’re able to perceive? I lean towards no, but it's possible, sure. Does anyone in your family have schizophrenia? Yes. Do any of your neighbors have loud children? No. Who would you say is your hero? Mark, my mom, Sara. You can only shop at one store for the rest of your life where would it be? If you're talking about in order to buy everything, from food to clothes, I'd have to say Walmart. Do you text type or do you type out all your words? Mostly the latter, but I'll use "lol," "otw," stuff like that sometimes. Have you ever given money to a homeless person? No. I'mma be real honest, I don't think I ever would. I just DO NOT trust people. It's fact that the money is usually used for alcohol and drugs, and I've seen news of more than enough posing assholes. Who are you living with? My mom and pets. What are your opinions on colored contacts? Cool as fuck, wish I could wear them. Are you comfortable with your body? Fuck no. What is one thing in your life that is no longer there, that you miss? A social life. What do you believe is the best thing about being a kid? No responsibilities. Life is just simpler. Last time you had a s'more? Shortly after Sara left when she visited. We had leftover stuff so Mom and I made a few. Do you like peppermint candy? Yeah. Do you like spearmint or peppermint gum better? Peppermint, I think. Do you prefer fruity flavors over minty ones? Yes. Do you have a little Pink brand dog from Victoria’s Secret? No. What is the last thing you blew? Idr, I'm sure some kind of food. What’s the last gift you received? Sara got me a mug with a super relevant Markiplier quote sobs- What did your parents do today? I don't live with my dad so idk, but I know my mom's at work. What is the symbol for your type of computer? It's just the brand name. Do the clothes you’re wearing have any type of symbol on them now? Skulls. Do you like peas? NO. Where is your favorite place to be massaged? I wouldn't know, but probably my shoulders? Do you like composition books, or spiral notebooks? Spiral notebooks. The person you like, what color eyes do they have? Brown. So what is your favorite physical feature about that person? She has a freckle on her hip that is so fucking cute. What kind of four wheeler do you have? I don't have and never have had one. Do you live where there are a lot of cows? Sure, I guess. What is your favorite animal with spots? Probably snow leopards. Give me your opinion on sports. I don't have a problem with them (save for like, boxing and ones that can seriously harm people), but I'm not into them. Why do you play the sports you do? N/A Do you actually care about your school work and what grades you make? Yes I care. Do you have a typical family, or a weird one? Honestly a pretty broken one. Do you have a favorite letter? Probably "z," particularly in cursive. From the room you're in can you hear a door shut when someone arrives there? Sometimes. What states have you been to in the past year? Just NC and Illinois. Well, I obviously flew over other states, but I've only stayed in those two. Have you ever sleepwalked? I have not. Do you want children? Why/why not? "Hell no. I don’t like kids and I don’t want the rest of my life to be centred around one." <<< That's a great description for myself as well. I know I would be a fucking awful mother, too. Not as in I'd be mean to my child, absolutely not, it's just I barely manage to take care of myself a lot of the time. I'm not emotionally fit for that job and the stress it entails, at all. And yeah, being willing to make someone else my world is something I'm never doing again. I want my attention to stay on myself, my spouse, and pets. Do you have any credit card debt? Hi, I'm 23 and don't own and never have owned a credit card. Who do you go to for relationship advice? Honestly, I don't. I look within myself for those answers, really. I think I'm pretty intelligent and aware of how to maintain a healthy relationship. There's been times I've talked to my mother about things, but yeah, she's not the greatest to talk about all that with. What was your favorite way to spend a summer day as a kid? Swimming. Have you ever been scammed? Not successfully. I think. Did you ever take a personal finance class in school? None were offered at my high school. I don't know if they are now at my college, though, but I don't think so. They need to be, and mandatory. I don't have the slightest goddamn clue how to handle money. How’s your mental health? Are you feeling well? I'm going through a rough patch right now. School is stressing me. Not having a job and struggling with money to the extreme is about to make my hair fall out. Do you struggle with acne? Not anymore. Did you have a Xanga page back in the pre-Myspace days? I've never had a Xanga. Around what year did you start using the internet, anyways? I was like, 9-10? Maybe even earlier with Webkinz and Neopets, idr. I know I started RP in 2005, and that's when I was very actively online. Do you have any uncommon interests or hobbies? A few. Forum RP is definitely the "weirdest," hence why I hide it publicly. Then there's photographing roadkill. The LOOKS Mom tells me I get when I'm on the ground next to a dead animal, lol. I've had questions, stares, and cars turn around aplenty to make sure I'm okay. I'm really self-conscious about doing it, but I really love doing it for the purpose of forcing eyes onto just how brutal roadkill can be because of us, and the validating comments I've gotten about it online pushes me to keep going with it. Well, that and of course just sincerely enjoying it. That being said, I like gore - in moderation, and some kinds are just off-limits without me getting grossed out. "Vulture culture" (the use of naturally deceased animals in some form of artwork) is also something I am very very interested in. Wet specimens of anything are cool as all fuck. There's a load of unconventional things I enjoy. What temperature do you keep your thermostat set at in the winter? Uhhhh idk, 70-something. Have you ever fostered an animal? No, but I am 110% fostering opossums once I get my own place and am authorized and properly equipped to do so. What is something you thought you’d never like, but you enjoy now? Hm. OH, ketchup. I hated that shit as a kid. Did your parents ever not let you watch any television shows as a child? Yeah, but none in exact come to mind. Basically like, MTV and stuff like that was a big no. How old were you when you had your first kiss? Who was this kiss with? I just turned 16. It was with Jason, my first "real" boyfriend. Have you ever betrayed one of your parents in any way at all? Doing what? I don't think so. What are your favorite stores to go to when you visit the mall? Hot Topic and Spencer's is like all I care about that we have available near here. Has anyone ever told you they don't like the way you run your life? Ohhhhhhhhhh, I wasn't the only one who experienced that with her. At all. Does it bother you when you comment someone’s pictures and they don't even comment you saying ‘thank you’ or comment one of your pictures? I find it rude if they in no way acknowledge a compliment, yes, but you don't have to say thanks. Just like, like/hearting the comment (I'm using Facebook as my platform here) says enough to me that you're appreciative. Now for the second half of the question, that's stupid. I don't care if someone doesn't comment on a picture. Or anything. When was the last time you had a shot? Are you behind on those right now? I had a few numbing shots into my gums when I had a cavity filled early this month/late last month since my tongue ring finally caused one. I'm not behind on any required ones. Have you ever had a really rare disease, virus, or illness? Really rare, I don't think so? When was the last time you just, genuinely went somewhere with friends? Been a looooooong time, idk. Probably not since I was still friends with Colleen. Would you consider yourself a hygiene freak, or do you not care much? Neither of those fit me. Though I'm more likely to neglect myself out of the two. It depends on how I'm doing. That hasn't entirely healed since recovery. Are you old enough to live by yourself or are you just mature enough? I'm definitely old enough, just not independent or healthy enough, or financially capable. What is one thing you stopped doing just because everyone else stopped? I've never moved with fads. Have you ever been considered the freak of your class at any time in life? "Freak" seems a bit strong of a word, but "the weird kid," probably. Have you ever been to a Sea World before? Which one in which state? As a kid, yes, in Florida. I wouldn't now as an adult; I do not even remotely support their captivity of whales. I don't know all the facts behind their business so can't speak for all the animals, and I am not against all animal captivity so long it is providing and with good purpose (conservation, education, etc.), but nothing will make me pay to support the incredibly incompetent housing and mistreatment of whales. Do you believe in any kind of magic? Is it the stereotypical kind? *shrugs* I mean I dunno, define "magic," I guess. I personally believe some form of greater intelligence created the universe, and I suppose that's "magic." The person I copied this from brought up a great point, too: Science itself can seem pretty magical, so where do you even draw the line? Ex., the evolution of caterpillar to butterfly. That shit's fuckin' wild. A living thing melts to mush and is reformed in an entirely and completely new body. With wings, dude. There are truly a lot of natural things that occur in our world that make that line we've created blurry. Are you currently working on any kind of project at this moment in time? An argumentative essay on climate change in College Writing, if you call that a "project." I haven't started writing truly in-depth yet and may switch my focus to arranged marriages (seems random, yeah, but they're from a set list of options relevant to the book we read), only because I get fucking heated talking about climate change, and our professor made a point of not "preaching," and I also have to be capable of writing a paragraph of concession, that being an acknowledgment of the opposing point and considering its views, but. I don't think I could give climate change deniers' mindset even a sliver of genuine thought. As absolutely awful and appalling as they are, at least I can see a reason (a terrible one, but you get me) like hastening procreation in arranged marriages. Okay wow rambling ANYWAY yeah, in the starting stages of writing an essay. Which do you do more: read books, spent time online, or watch television? I'm like... always online, so yeah. What do you do the most when you’re online? Listen to/watch YouTube. Which foot is bigger, your left or your right? I don't know, I've never noticed. Do you think you’re too old to go trick-or-treating? Personally I believe anyone should be able to, but by society's standards, I am. Do you have a bobblehead? No. Have you ever had a themed b-day party? As a kid, yeah. Were you afraid of heights as a child? Nope. Do you think it’s stupid when you’re dying to have someone pray that you don’t feel afraid? (I would want them to pray that I live, personally) No? I don't believe that there's power in prayer period, but it's kind, realistic, and encouraging to hope they stay unafraid. Death is natural and happens to every single living thing, so truly, we shouldn't fear death all too much. What’s the strangest thing you’ve wrapped a present in? Uh nothing? Do you enjoy and appreciate life? Or is this something you need to learn? I appreciate it very much, but I do need to learn to enjoy it more. Have you ever made a pom-pom out of yarn? No. Have you ever had a lead role in a play? N- oh wait, in Sunday school as a young child, I was Mary in one. I don't remember HOW large the role was, but I would assume it was relatively big. Do you know how to use iMovie? I've never really tried it. I could probably figure it out pretty quickly, though. Would you raise your kids differently than your parents raised you? In some ways. For one, I would fucking not spank them. What was the best part about college? I most enjoy the flexibility of my schedule. It's not a 7-hour or whatever day every weekday. If you were homeschooled, did you come up with a school mascot? If so, what? N/A How many times a day do you check your cell to see if you have a text? Whenever it vibrates. Ever wonder if the person you hate will become the person you marry? *Hated but lmao that might just happen. If you could live in three places, a year each, where would they be? Germany, California, and maybe Canada. Your choice of transportation for anything: camel, jet pack or carriage? Carriage, probably. Think of a movie and now give me that movie title: The last person said Titanic so now I'm thinking romances, so The Notebook. Quote a line from that movie: "Tell me I'm a bird." "If you're a bird, I'm a bird." I wanted that as a tattoo with my spouse one day once upon a time. Aw! A line from your wedding vows is now: I want to recite the Corpse Bride vows with my partner. I don't feel like looking them up rn. Name a song: "God's Gonna Cut You Down" by Marilyn Manson, 'cuz that's what I'm listening to. What’s a line from that song? "Sure as God made black and white, what's done in the dark will be brought to the light." Name your two favorite characters from a TV show or movie: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood. Lust and Envy, probably. When was the last time you fell asleep in a car? I dunno. How often do you think about death? Not too often? Do you believe what comes around goes around? Not always, but cause and effect makes it so sometimes. What about everything happens for a reason? NOPE. Can you sing? Not well. What kinds of little advertisements are on this page right now? None rn. Has something really heavy ever fallen on you? I don't believe so. Do you have any freckles on your feet? No. If you wear makeup, what colors do you usually wear? Black, when I do. I barely ever wear makeup, though. If you have more than one pet, do they ever get jealous of each other? BENTLEY DOES, particularly with guests (once he trusts them, anyway). If Teddy is getting attention, odds are he's gonna come on over and stick his nose in it. Do you have any brightly colored pants? No. Is there a room in your house that you don’t like going in? The laundry room. It's either hot or cold as fuck, depending on the season. Can you solve a Rubik’s Cube? No. I'm not good at planning future steps. Do you remember the last question you were asked? What did you answer? Well, besides the last survey question, I really don't. Besides salt and butter, do you put anything on your popcorn? No.