#struggled with keeping myself from going too deep into self doubt but i made it

[cyazurai]

Love my job. It's a good, customer-less job. I'm getting okay at it. But as a homebody, wanna go home.

[thatlotuscookie]

I LOVE YOUR WORK!!!! can I request something mayhaps? can you do a Denki or Kiri x reader where their like super overhwlemed with school work and their there to help them calm down?? if you cant its so fine don't feel bad!! keep up your good work - 🌿

✧･ﾟ: a/n: i love the dynamic and denki and y/n in this one!! to all my anons and whoever's reading this i hope you take breaks and prioritize your health over everything else. i know this semester is probably difficult for everyone but keep pushing! you guys got this. lately ive been pretty stressed about school but this req made me feel better so thank you anon. please enjoy <3

✧ Title: ✧ Electric Comfort ✧ ✧ Characters: Denki Kaminari x Reader (Gender Neutral) ✧ Genre: Light Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Light Romance, Slice of Life ✧ Rating: T ✧ Summary: The library is eerily quiet as you grapple with anxiety over upcoming exams. Just when the pressure feels overwhelming, Denki steps in, offering support. ✧ Content Warnings: Anxiety, anxiety triggers, emotional support, study session, school life, comfort, light romance (denki is crushing on you), panic attacks, self-doubt, peer pressure. ✧ WC: 1414 words // 8.1k chars

The library was eerily quiet, a stark contrast to the whirlwind of thoughts racing through your mind. You had always been diligent with your studies, but the pressure of upcoming exams was beginning to take its toll. Stacks of textbooks surrounded you like an impenetrable fortress, each page filled with information that felt increasingly foreign. Your anxiety was palpable, and no matter how hard you tried to focus, your mind was racing a mile a minute.

Denki had been aware of your struggles for a while now. You’d confided in him during one of your study sessions about how overwhelmed you felt, but he hadn’t realized just how deep your panic ran until he walked into the library that afternoon.

“Hey, Y/N!” he called, his voice cheerful but gentle. “Mind if I join you?”

You barely looked up, too focused on the formulas dancing in front of your eyes. “Yeah, sure,” you muttered, feeling the tension knotting tighter in your stomach.

Denki slid into the seat across from you, his vibrant energy somehow soothing amidst the chaos of your thoughts. He glanced at the open textbooks and the scribbled notes on your paper, frowning slightly. “You look like you’re about to explode. Are you okay?”

You let out a shaky breath, attempting to keep your voice steady. “I’m fine,” you insisted, but the words felt hollow. “Just... a lot to do.”

Denki’s brows furrowed as he studied your face. He couldn’t shake the feeling of concern creeping in. He’d always thought you were amazing—smart, capable, and incredibly hardworking—but seeing you like this tugged at his heart. “You don’t look fine. You look—”

“I said I’m fine!” you snapped, the pressure mounting until you could hardly contain it. The books began to blur, and you felt the walls of the library closing in on you. Your heart raced, the panic flooding your chest.

“I can’t do this,” you whispered, pushing the textbooks away as your hands trembled. “I’ll never understand it all in time!”

Denki immediately leaned closer, his expression shifting to one of concern. “Hey, hey, look at me,” he said softly. “You’re going to be okay. Just breathe.” He reached out, gently placing a hand over yours, grounding you with his warmth.

In that moment, Denki felt a surge of determination to help you. He had always admired your strength and resilience, but seeing you like this—vulnerable and panicked—made him want to be your rock. “You’re stronger than you think, Y/N. We’ll figure this out together.”

Your eyes darted around the room, your breath quickening. “I just—what if I fail? What if I mess everything up? I can’t let anyone down, especially not myself.”

Denki squeezed your hand, his fingers wrapping around yours reassuringly. “Hey, you’re not going to fail. You’re smart, and you’ve worked hard. We’ll tackle this together. Just focus on me.”

You took a shuddering breath, finally meeting his gaze. There was a softness in his eyes that made you feel a little less alone. “I—I don’t know where to start.”

“Let’s take a break first,” Denki suggested, his voice calm but firm. “You need to step away for a moment. How about we grab a snack?”

You hesitated but reluctantly nodded. “Okay, but just a quick break.”

“Perfect!” he said, standing up and pulling you along with him. “You can’t study on an empty stomach anyway.”

As you walked out of the library together, the cool air hit your face, and for the first time that day, you felt a sense of calm. Denki chattered on about trivial things, his cheerful demeanor a stark contrast to the worry that had consumed you moments earlier. You couldn’t help but smile at his antics, feeling your tension ease just a bit.

Denki had always had a crush on you. The way you carried yourself, the passion you poured into everything you did—it captivated him. Even when you struggled, he admired your determination. He wanted nothing more than to be the one who could help lift the burden off your shoulders, to be someone you could rely on.

After grabbing some snacks from a nearby café, Denki led you to a bench outside, where you both munched on your food while basking in the warm sunlight. As you took a bite of your sandwich, you felt the heaviness in your chest lift even more.

“See? Doesn’t it feel good to take a break?” Denki asked between bites, a grin plastered on his face.

“Yeah, it really does,” you admitted, savoring the moment of peace. But just as you were beginning to relax, your phone buzzed in your pocket, and a message from a classmate caught your eye.

Your heart sank a little at the thought of the workload still waiting for you. You quickly typed back a response, letting them know you’d get back to them soon, but your anxiety flared again, feeling the pressure of expectations once more.

Denki noticed your change in demeanor, his expression shifting back to concern. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“I just… I feel like I’m letting everyone down,” you confessed, your voice barely above a whisper. “I can’t handle this pressure.”

“Y/N, don’t think like that,” Denki replied firmly. “You’re not letting anyone down. Everyone has their struggles, and it’s okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes. You’re human.”

Feeling the warmth of his support, you found yourself nodding. “I guess I just feel like I need to do everything perfectly.”

Denki smirked. “There’s no such thing as perfect. You’re doing your best, and that’s what matters.”

His reassurance sparked something in you, and you took a deep breath, letting the cool air soothe your frayed nerves. “I guess I just need to focus on what I can control.”

“Exactly!” he encouraged, his eyes sparkling. “Now, how about we head back to the library and tackle that calculus together? I’m here for moral support and snacks!”

As you walked back, you felt lighter with each step. The combination of Denki’s optimism and his unwavering presence made the weight of your worries feel a little lighter, and you realized that with him by your side, you could face whatever challenges lay ahead.

Once back in the library, Denki dove right into the calculus problems, his enthusiasm infectious. “Okay, let’s start with this one,” he said, pointing to the first problem on the page. “Remember how we did this last time?”

You nodded, your confidence beginning to build as you worked through the problem with him. Denki explained the steps in a way that felt approachable and fun, cracking jokes to lighten the mood whenever he sensed your tension creeping back in.

“See? You’ve got this!” Denki exclaimed as you solved the problem together. “You’re like a math wizard or something!”

You laughed, feeling a surge of pride. “I don’t know about that, but this is definitely helping.”

They continued working through problems, Denki’s energy never wavering as he switched between explaining concepts and encouraging you with each small victory. The way he would lean in closer whenever he showed you a solution made your heart race, but you pushed those thoughts aside, focusing instead on the calculus.

After a while, however, you stumbled on a particularly challenging problem, your mind racing in circles. “I don’t get it,” you muttered, frustration bubbling to the surface. “Why does it have to be so complicated?”

“Okay, let’s break it down,” Denki said, his voice calm. He leaned over your paper, and you could feel his warmth radiating off of him as he traced the problem with his finger. “What’s the first step?”

You glanced at the equations, your mind swirling as you tried to process it all. “Um, I think… we need to isolate the variable?”

“Exactly!” he encouraged, his eyes lighting up. “Let’s start there. You’ve got this, I promise.”

As you worked through it together, you began to relax again, focusing on Denki’s explanations and the way he broke things down. Every time you’d grasp a concept, a rush of relief washed over you, and Denki’s proud smile only made that feeling stronger.

After a couple of intense problems, you could feel the weight of your panic lifting as your confidence grew. “I think I’m starting to understand this better,” you said, a hint of surprise in your voice.

“See? I told you you could do it!” Denki grinned, leaning back in his chair. “Now, let’s tackle one more before we take another break, okay? I know you can do this!”

You nodded eagerly, ready to push through. The two of you spent the next while solving problems, the sound of your laughter echoing in the otherwise quiet library. The stress of the day began to melt away as you focused on the work and Denki’s encouraging presence.

But as you were about to move on to the next chapter, you found your mind wandering again. “Denki, what if I still don’t do well on the test?” you asked, your voice tinged with anxiety. “What if all this doesn’t help?”

Denki paused, looking thoughtful for a moment before answering. “You know what? No matter how you do on the test, it doesn’t define who you are. You’re still the same amazing person, regardless of the results. Plus, you’re doing your best, and that’s all anyone can ask for.”

His words struck a chord deep within you, and you felt a warmth spreading through your chest. “Thanks, Denki. That means a lot.”

“Anytime,” he replied, a shy smile gracing his lips. “I’m always here for you, especially when it comes to tackling schoolwork. Just remember, you’re not alone in this.”

After a few more problems, you decided to take a break, feeling that familiar sense of calm returning. Denki reached for his phone and started scrolling through social media, occasionally glancing at you with that signature grin. “So, what do you want to do after we finish studying?” he asked, clearly not wanting to rush the moment.

“I guess I’d like to hang out, maybe watch a movie or something?” you suggested, feeling your cheeks warm at the thought.

“Sounds perfect! Just don’t be surprised if I fall asleep during the movie. I’ve had a long day,” he joked, winking at you.

You chuckled, the banter between you both easing your worries. As the study session continued, you found yourself smiling more often, the comforting presence of Denki making everything feel a little less daunting.

With each problem you conquered, your confidence blossomed further, and you realized that with Denki by your side, you could tackle anything that came your way.

[imonlyanangel]

🪷 Manifesting Success 🪷

The most recent thing I manifested was self confidence! In this post I'll go over what worked for me.

I've successfully manifested several things in the past, but not nearly at the speed I would've liked to. There were months and months without success. I started to consider why- was I focusing on the 3D too much?? Was I engaging with negative, doubtful thoughts, or believing negative comments from others? How was my trust in myself?

Sure, sometimes I focus too much on the 3D, but I always catch myself. I've had some doubtful intrusive thoughts, but I always catch myself. I've over consumed at times, but I always catch myself. I'm human, and I'm still fairly new to learning how to manifest. None of these slip ups are a big deal! None of them can really affect my ability to manifest unless I allow them to. Unless I assume that they do.

The real reason I was struggling to manifest was this: I had a fear of being seen. A fear of being myself where others could see. A fear of succeeding in front of others. How can I successfully manifest if I'm afraid of success? How can I bring my reality into light if I only feel safe in the dark?

Self-confidence has been a struggle for me nearly my entire life. I've worked on improving it, but there was little progress over the course of my life. I didn't talk to people, or share my thoughts with family. I couldn't make decisions. I couldn't just be without being scared I was doing it wrong.

When I realized that this pervasive fear was keeping me from manifesting my desires, I made a decision. I wasn't going to work on manifesting anything else until I successfully manifested confidence in myself.

I tore a scrap of paper from my bedside notebook and wrote down an affirmation to stick under my pillow. All I wrote was: I always feel amazing about myself- I am overflowing with confidence. <3 I had read that the pillow method takes 7-10 days at most to manifest your desires. I wrote this down on the other side of the paper, and decided that it wouldn't take me more than a week to manifest it.

Before I fell asleep each night, I recited the affirmation in my mind. Some nights I only did it once, sometimes 2-3x. I imagined feeling like a pillar. Feeling upright, tall, visible, and strong. I imagined the heaviness and tension that came with being seen disappearing. I imagined feeling amazing about myself, or how it would feel to be confident all the time. I did this for 7 days in a row.

It didn't take me 7 days to notice a change!! The first morning I woke up after doing that was different. I was different. I went after what I wanted that day with no regard for whether or not I was being perceived. Since I started I've noticed many changes in behavior that have almost all felt natural to me. Sometimes I got nervous, but I had the confidence in myself to push through it.

Instead of shying away from looking at my face or my body in the mirror, I smile genuinely every time I see myself. Sometimes I catch myself thinking "wow, I am so f*cking pretty!" Now I intentionally make a comment about my confidence or my beauty every time I look in a mirror while washing my hands. I'm so confident. I feel amazing about myself today. I love the way I look. Complimenting myself in the mirror worked wonders and I recommend it 100%!!

Changes since I started manifesting confidence:

Engaged in my hobbies in front of others

Deep cleaned my room

Wore what I wanted

Voiced my opinion in family discussion

Decided to do a social media fast for a week

Made purchases to start a hobby I've always wanted to try (and started said hobby)

Had a difficult conversation with my mom that I was avoiding

Answered a phone call from a girl I've hardly ever spoken to, and we enjoyed talking for over an hour

Started decorating my room

Went out to eat (at a buffet) and chatted with a relative that I am not familiar with

This post! Whether anonymous or public, I've never posted or commented on social media till now, because I was too nervous.

All of these things are huge compared to where I was at two weeks ago. Some, maybe all of these things, would be small to others. But to me, especially with consideration for my neurotype and mental health, these are big steps of progress.

Am I the most confident, outspoken, assertive woman in the world? Not yet. But I improved so much in just a week. My sister noticed I was in a better mood every morning since the day I started. My mom has been complimenting me more often because of the difference in my countenance. My family noticed behavioral changes within 2 days.

I've been happy, and so much more confident. I have had more enthusiasm for life and for growth. And it doesn't take me more than 5 minutes a night. I will continue using this method of manifesting! I've already started a new affirmation.

XOXO,

Evangeline

[askpokeeosin]

Has this been killed and subsumed by Ask Quarantined Redheart?

Okay, I do feel like this does need to be addressed. The short answer is not quite but Ask Poke Eosin specific posts continuing forward are going to require a major change in the blog. Keep reading for the very long, probably rambling answer.

When I started the blog, I was on my holiday break after my first semester of my first year of medical school. My mental health wasn't quite in the toilet but it was getting pretty close. I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that I was struggling to get my studying flow down while still maintaining my hobbies, especially drawing. Couple that with getting depressed/burned out right at the end of that semester while binging Firestarter Spitfire/The Sunjackers and the decision to make this ask blog came about mid-ish December 2022. So I have this blog to thank a lot for helping to make my drawing hobby more consistent.

Now comes the part where I have to take an honest look at what I meant for it to be and where I'm at now. The original intent of the blog was to be this sort of educational blog about the current state of evidence based medicine and stuff that happens/happened to me during medical school, training, and onwards. That second part is the biggest problem. Poke is essentially me, the mod. The "Clinical Quiz" arc from a year or so back is something that happened to me and the way I (mostly) present it is how I tell the story to people in real life. While I doubt any of my colleagues care enough to dig deep for this blog, I still am dancing a little too close to doxing myself with the way the blog is currently.

Perhaps most importantly, I started my third year rotations back in the beginning of August. Pretty much the culmination of all the basic science lectures from the first two years, finally seeing actual patients! I soon realized, though, that I can't present these patients to the masses of the internet, even if they've been redrawn as cute technicolored magical ponies. Not just because of HIPAA issues but just because of the fact that just by going to the doctor and having a medical student like me asking them questions that they'd never answer in any other context. They are vulnerable and I feel like it would be unethical to present them as entertainment. I wouldn't necessarily be against drawing patient presentations but I would seriously need to figure out how to do it without revealing too much.

And finally, perhaps a more selfish reason: I feel like folks like Quarantined Redheart more. The project got its inspiration from a pharmacology lecture about tuberculosis medications during my second year. The fact that TB patients are required to quarantine for at least two months, Rifampin's red/orange body fluid quirk and it causing certain drugs to be metabolized faster, and a third plot point that I won't reveal just yet all came from that lecture. Originally, Quarantined Redheart was supposed to be a side project. The more I worked on it and the more that I fleshed out the plot and its characters, the more I came to love working on it to the point that I'd hesitate to call it a side project anymore. It also gave me the opportunity to say some stuff about the current state of healthcare that I feel like I couldn't do with what is essentially a self insert OC. Seeing that people really do seem to like the story that's being told made turning Quarantined Redheart into the main project a little easier. Is that a great reason to focus one's attentions on a project? Probably not. But it's also the curse of the artist: I draw what I want but the Notes notifications on my dash also lets serotonin stay in the synaptic cleft a little bit longer.

So is Ask Poke Eosin dead? I'm hesitant to say "yes" on that. I think there'll be more shitposts and random educational stuff than any of the full blown patient care stories that I originally thought I'd be doing. But I need to figure that stuff out for sure. Is Ask Poke Eosin dead? Nah. It's just hibernating right now.

[caramelmochacrow]

on the surface, yuka and maika's relationship is pretty normal. older sister that loves her little sister so much, right? yeah. it's more than that (thank you again shinobu)

peaky summer story was the first story that made me realize yuka has so much that we dont know about. she has a sister, she loves her so much, and apparently her sister is super shy. but when we meet her, maika isnt the latter at all. she's outgoing, similar to yuka, which made me go 'what the fuck is up with yuka?'

yuka didn't lie to peaky, of course, but with that piece of info it tells SO much how she sees maika at that moment. she still sees maika as her younger self, even tho she's changed from that. this could just be because yuka hasn't seen maika in forever, true, but what if i told you that the year before the event she visited maika and maika just hasnt sent letters? THAT changes so much. maika could've easily changed in a year, that too is true, but with the way maika acts it seems she's been outgoing and such for a while. yuka still can't unsee the little sister that didn't have confidence in herself in maika and it's so so interesting.

during the entire event, yuka complements her sister and keeps pointing out how cool her sister is to peaky, which they find endearing but also a bit weird. when yuka leaves to get drinks, maika tells kyoko, esora and shinobu that she had terrible confidence when she was younger and yuka is the reason she managed to build her confidence up. she always celebrated every single thing maika did, to the point she forgot training her body. maika knew what yuka was doing, but she (and yuka, deep down) knew it wasn't good. yuka was literally forgetting to take care of herself so maika decided to go to america so she can have a a fresh start and also let yuka not think about trying to make herself look bad. it worked, maika succeeded in finding confidence in herself and yuka managed to not think about her sister's insecurities (much).

with that, now comes the volleyball scene. yuka purposely makes herself look bad, she makes herself be terrible and stops when peaky notices. she's still thinking about maika's insecurities w her abilities. they tell her that maika might know what she's doing already, similar to them and they (kyoko specifically) tells her that she should move on from seeing maika as her younger self. maika has changed, she's grown up. she's done a good job of raising her self confidence (maika's present self shows this change) but now yuka needs to be a good role model. how will maika know what is right if her sister isnt even doing the right thing because she wants maika to feel better? she's putting herself down so maika can look good, which isn't the right thing to do. that mindset will ruin the confidence that maika (and yuka) has worked so hard to build.

so yuka decides that yeah, it is a bad thing to do, destroying everything she worked hard to build and should be proud of how much maika has grown. and you see that right after. she goes full throttle with her power and when she destroys maika and her friend (kris btw) in volleyball. instead of being discouraged, it causes maika to ask for a rematch, telling her sister that she was just warming up.

the event is really cute right? yayyy. (i totally dont see myself in maika--) this is when everything changes.

her relations event with shinobu. it changed my entire perception of yuka's relationship with maika. i talked abt my thoughts in depth in my post abt the event but to summarize:

to shinobu, yuka is a genius because she can do so many things, but just because she's good at everything doesnt mean she's not struggling. in the event, yuka doubts if she should cut off one of the things she loves to be able to properly focus on it. but if she loves all of those things she shouldnt take any of them away and decides she'll be an amazing photographer, the owner of her family's gym and peaky's vj.

i am focusing specifically on how yuka is skilled at so many things. imagine being maika. your sister is good at so many things and yet you aren't. your sister has so many futures ahead of her and you don't have any. your sister who seems to think you have those things as well when you know deep down you dont have that. but when you do things, she tells you that you're doing a good job and when she tries she isnt as good it makes you think that "im just as amazing as my cool sister!" and it's sweet.

but as time goes on, you notice that she's been hiding it all this time, she's actually just as good. she just did badly so you could look good. it hurts at first, but you realize that if you continued this any longer, your older sister will stop trying to be good. you realize that people wont understand why she's amazing and will slowly but surely put herself down so you look better. she's going to be like you, someone with no confidence in their abilities. so you decide to do it yourself and build your confidence on your own for your sake and your sister's sake.

[pammypichu]

Good bye 2023, Hello 2024!

2023 unfolded as a year filled with pain, betrayals, struggles, self-doubt, self-destruction, departing from friends, embracing new connections, and ultimately, self-healing. I don't know how I endured it all. It presented me with a year steeped in pain and dwindling hope. I found myself sinking in daily thoughts, shedding tears for nearly a year, and laughing, but only a select few could see it. Despite being recognized as someone with many friends, this year, I only placed trust in two individuals. It was an arduous decision to distance myself from them, my anchors since 2018. We shared daily memories that I'm certain will linger forever, bringing joy and helping me navigate through depression during the pandemic. Life, however, must forge ahead even without those I considered not just friends but family. I'm liberating myself from the person I used to be, eager to explore life beyond my comfort zone. Some might ask, "Why? Why leave when you can explore life and stay with them?" My answer: I had to. Relying on them always, regardless of the circumstances, was unhealthy. I needed to face challenges on my own. Sharing my problems and depression with friends made me feel lost, hindering personal growth. It was a tough decision, though not one that brought immediate happiness.

Months passed, and I encountered new people. Initially daunting, forming new friendships didn't overwhelm me. I learned to be with them while keeping a measured emotional commitment. The middle of the year was a period of stability and contentment. Yet, the betrayal of self crept in with episodes of feeling inadequate and unworthy. Self-sabotage ensued, and I fought not to drown in my thoughts. Working 14 hours a day, eating once a day, depression hit me hard. I forgot to love myself until someone unexpectedly entered my life. Destiny played its hand, catching me off guard. Having a relationship was challenging, not due to trust but because I hadn't fully healed from past wounds.

Was love worth it for me this time? I asked my best friend. Deep down, I knew I wanted it, yet sought confirmation. She shared the insights I needed to hear, reinforcing my belief that it was never too late to give love another chance. I'm glad I did, though fear lingered that he might leave, as others had before. Fortunately, he stayed.

Days became better. For the first time in ages, happiness enveloped me. I longed to preserve that moment indefinitely. I was loved, cared for, and could be my true self without judgment. I genuinely loved him.

Was it that simple? No. The struggle persists as I search for answers. December brought back loneliness, but this time, I learned to manifest the hope that perhaps the coming year will be mine.

Farewell, 2023. I gleaned invaluable lessons from you. I now greet the new year with trust, self-love, self-worth, and a positive mindset. Thank you for the teachings. It's time to let go and move forward.

Padayon.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: hi! i have troubles with self-identifying and figuring out my type but mostly i tend to think i'm infj after all (lots of questions from infj here as i noticed probably that's common for this type to doubt own self-perception since our tendency to avoid the truth about ourselves).

i have this thing that i'm prone to be "therapist" to my friends even though they didn't ask me to i just feel like that's the only thing i'm good at like listening and having "deep" conversations but recently that mask isn't enough for me and i get really frustrated cuz i don't care enough about what they say and can't say that to them.

sometimes i don't even wanna talk to them cuz i know that they will keep talking only about themselves and i'm not able to stop them from doing that maybe because 1) i keep them as friends cuz i can get smth from them like fun time or simply networking connections but that makes me feel sick for having this kind of intentions cuz that's just not authentic 2) or i just don't respect myself, my energy and my time at all.

am i being too self-centred here? i was okay with playing that role for a long time until my best friend told me that they see that i have cold personality and just simply don't care much and it just made me realise who am i lying then?? i know my intentions weren't always right but I've been there for all of them after all even when i couldn't be there for myself. so i keep sacrificing myself for nothing? basically yes.

but other my friends tell me that i'm a giving person which isn't contradicting for what i've said but i don't understand how i could be "caring, loving" for some and "cold, detached" for others. probably i spent too much time with later ones so they can see right through me. i don't wanna be perfect just wanna know who i am so i can work with it. i know you can't tell me that but maybe you can give me some perceptive on that.

----------------

One thing that you should be learning from type theory is that people are complicated. They are capable of all sorts of intentions. The key point is how they choose.

You have chosen the role of "therapist" for the way it gets people attracted/attached to you. Is it fair to blame others for accepting what you willingly offered them?

You have chosen to wear a mask instead of showing what you really are. Is it fair to blame others for not really knowing you?

You have chosen to make friends with people who only use you because you wanted to use them too. Is it fair to blame them for taking advantage when you welcomed it and did the same in return?

You unconsciously made these choices because you wanted connection (for Fe), but do you see now how these choices have actually impeded connection? If you understand that these choices are harmful to you and also interfering with your development, how are you going to choose differently now? It isn't a crime to want connection. We all need love. But is there a healthier way to get it?

The more the different parts of oneself are at war, the more likely one is to exhibit personality dysfunction. This means, the more you think in oversimplistic either/or terms, such as, EITHER I care about myself OR I care about others, the more you feed the conflict within yourself, and the more fuel you give to the dark aspects of your personality. If you are INFJ, you are struggling with Fe and Ti conflict, and there are signs of slipping into Ti loop.

You haven't yet learned how to balance your own needs with others'. It is a very common INFJ problem. A healthy relationship should be between equals, should it not? This means both people are important and both should have their needs respected and honored. When both people thrive, the relationship thrives. Improving your social skills should be an ongoing process of learning, through experience, when it is important to attend to your needs and when it is important to attend to the needs of others. Please refer to past posts about how to communicate about needs, as well as the Type Dev Guide for how to use Fe and Ti appropriately.

[shesnohack]

10 Things for 2023

(Thanks for tagging me, @sapphicscholar!)

A fic idea you want to write or read: I think everyone I “know” on here is aware that I have an AU Hacks fic that I desperately want to write, involving Deborah becoming a surrogate for DJ. I’d love for someone else to write it as it needs to be done well in order for it to be believable but I know if I want it to become a reality, I need to write it myself. It’s a daunting task as I really struggle with creating stories of substance but it’s only a story for me so there’s no rush and if it’s meant to be written, it’ll happen.

A place you want to go: I love visiting the States but I’ve never made it beyond the North East so I’d really like to head to Georgia and the Carolinas to see how the culture differs.

A book you want to read: I have a few on my Goodreads list but I’d finally like to tackle Titan: The life of John D Rockefeller, Sr by Ron Chernow…all 774 pages. If only fanfiction counted towards Goodreads goals, I’d be ahead of the game by February 😂

Something fun you want to do: I’d like to make this the year of going out and experiencing things. After the last few years, it’d be fun to get back to concerts, musicals, festivals so I’m hoping to find something for each month and get out there and just have fun.

Something you want to make: totally boring but I have a cross stitch that I was given for Christmas a few years ago and I’d like to see what it looks like when it’s not just a bunch of threads in a packet.

A habit you want to start: I’d like take my dog on a long walk everyday. She gets multiple short walks everyday but we both need to get out more and stretch our legs on big walks.

Something new you want to try: I want to try wild swimming. It’s a big thing in Scotland and it looks so much fun. I’ll maybe wait for summer though…I hear it’s going to happen for two days in July this year 😂

Something you want to finish from 2022: I want to finish renovating my house. There’s not much left to do, just little bits and pieces that will finally make it come together but procrastination is big in this household!

Something you want to stop doing: I want to stop apologising for myself, for existing, for taking up people’s time. Deep down I know I don’t need to but with anxiety comes self doubt and second guessing and, for me, too much self-awareness and I just want to accept myself.

Something you want to keep doing: Much like @dkc2017 I want to keep writing fanfiction. I haven’t been a part of a fandom or written anything in more than a decade but reading and writing Hacks fics, and speaking with people on here and at AO3 about a shared interest has been really uplifting and I hope it continues in 2023

I don’t really have many mutuals but feel free to do this too if you haven’t already. 😁

[bug-the-chicken-nug]

So, I couldn't find much else on this post about like. How to actually go about alternatives beyond "just suck it up and do it"

So I'll try, as someone who will admit that they used Gen AI in the last few months, but also does write all of their public fics without it, has been writing fics on their own for years before it, and has now gone back to distancing themself from AI. First, elephant in the room: It *did* get less approachable to RP with real people, and it *is* really hard to be brave enough to do it. Having to rely so much on Discord nowadays really *does* feel like a big step backwards. I also feel it's reductive to blame this specific phenomenon on AI. To me, it feels like AI is just well-timed to capitalize on a decline that was in motion regardless. And realistically, your most approachable friends usually don't share *ALL* your interests. Sometimes an idea being weird or uncomfortable ISN'T just in your head, and not just anyone is suitable for it. It really is hard. Of course, hard things can be worth it, but we need to stop downplaying it and being so quick to discard compassion and ignore people's struggles. (and no, compassion doesn't have to mean you just enable them) Otherwise, they're not actually going to stop or really learn anything beyond "well, now i've made them all mad at me, so that's even more reason not to RP, I already ruined it for myself" Like. Anxiety *sucks* at grasping "people won't be mad forever". A lot of the time, it *feels* like "they all still hate you, they just decided to be polite about it" Personally, I still don't really RP, and I'm still afraid of it. But my general approach to hard things is to take a few deep breaths and just take the first step before I can talk myself out of it. Then let yourself feel the discomfort. Let yourself see that it's not going to harm you. Keep breathing. As for writing, I have plenty more experience there, but that's hard too. It's often slow, tedious, thankless, and I've gotten criticism that I would genuinely call traumatic. Again, I don't actually think AI is to blame for perceived reductions in fic engagement, either. People who don't want to read a fic were always going to find *something* to do besides read that fic. IMO, the only real option is to try to reduce your need for attention and approval, and keep in mind that people just naturally aren't in the mood to read fics 24/7. Do your best to calmly let self-doubting thoughts about it pass over you without feeding further into them or taking them as fact. I also feel like we don't really talk about how much harder it is to do things when you get past the age where you were able to confidently be bad. Devoting yourself to something that feels miserable and constantly makes you anxious and scared is extremely difficult. Start small. Aim for short, achievable things. Try to teach yourself that you're capable of *something*, and try to find people who are actually willing to be attentive and supportive. (Which is another thing that's way harder than people on this post keep claiming it is. A Ton of fandoms are tiny and/or mostly dead.) I would suggest starting with posting basic scenarios and ideas rather than actual stories. It gets notes and attention without all the commitment, especially if you keep at it, so then it's much easier to pick out people who'll be interested and supportive in the first place. As for private writing, it's once again the kind of thing that gets easier when you start. I myself often have to sit in the word document with no other distractions for upwards of 45 minutes before I finally feel like I'm able to make actual progress. "Just write a sentence or paragraph every day" flat out doesn't work on me, because I have to invest so much into getting the ball rolling for each session that I *can't* just "pop in" and do a little at a time. And don't be afraid to write out of order or write small snippet scenarios, either. I've lost loads of productivity to being irrationally uncomfortable with writing "out of order", or not writing a "proper" longform story.

[wildflovver]

Despite, Despite, Despite

Early dismissals meant more time for solo strolls and tambay sessions at PEA. My stomach grumbled as I chose to head toward what I call my other "home," my safe place. I endured the scorching noon heat, choosing to satisfy my soul rather than my appetite. I arrived, entered my "not-so-secret" safe place, and peered through the glass door. I put on a joyful smirk when I realized no one was inside—which meant I could stay there all by myself, alone with Him—admiring the existence of the self-existent. I sat in the corner I considered my own, where I usually do my Indian sit and stare at the Host before me.

Then came the hard part. It’s more uncomfortable than the sting of the sun’s rays or my empty stomach—when I allow myself to be myself: weak, filthy, vulnerable, someone unworthy of love. I let my thoughts roam the darkness I kept in my head, contemplating and getting lost in the mental maze of why’s, what if’s, what could’ve been’s, I’m sorry’s, regrets, forgive me’s, help me’s, and that one name stuck in my head like mud that I’d been floundering with for a month—Rheick.

You were chaos. Everything in my mind goes blank and disorganized when you’re in front of me. I wanted to keep you around. I wanted to explore the intricacies of your mind, the complexities of your being. I wanted to enjoy your existence, value it, care for it—love it. But every time I did, every time I decided to stay, there was always something deep in my core whispering that you were going to be the reason for my destruction. There was always something about you that sent my soul into a disrupted state. Despite the dilemma of wanting to keep you or let you go, I stayed. I hated your ego. God knows how much I was disgusted by it. It was always about you. You. You. You. You. You could write a book about nothing but yourself, and I hate it. It’s annoying. It cloys my senses. What a narcissist. I even hate that I’m writing about you. But to make something out of the empty but peaceful feeling after deleting our messages for the nth time, I’ll make an entry about you. Paradoxical, but it is what it is. I wanted to make you a good memory, so I’ll deal with your absence and the vacancy you left in my mind through spilled words. This entry will be all about you... a core memory of you.

I faced God with nothing on my mind but you. The way you talked so eloquently. How you simplified and dumb down topics that challenged my mind. How you made me feel grounded. How we understood the things we couldn’t say out loud. The bardagulans, the late-night thoughts and talks, the times I sneakily replied to you while I was in class or hospital duties. The fights. How annoying and stubborn you are. How you look just nice enough to not seem repugnant (like you thought you were)—because you definitely weren’t. How I repeatedly said, “God, I like him.” And you, being a good friend. I invited God into all of it: in my rants about you, my thoughts, the icky feelings, the hurt, the pain. This is how I process everything—in front of the Eucharist.

When I asked the question “why,” He immediately answered. Despite the turmoil I’d been facing in my mind, He spoke through my heart. He wanted to reach out to you, to reflect His love through the way I genuinely cared for you. You’re agnostic, a firm believer in logic and reason. You always believed in hard work and sheer effort, not in divine providence or intercession from the Almighty. God has His own sense of humor, and sometimes, I hate it. Imagine how He allowed us to meet—two polar opposite souls struggling in the same silly little ways. One puffed with pride, the other dulled by self-doubt. One thinks too much, the other feels too much. One hates, the other loves. One doesn’t give a damn, the other cares too much. Rough paired with softness. Juxtaposition. We’re at opposite extremes, yet we both knew we had common ground. We both knew we could still click despite everything. (If you’re reading this, shut up and agree with me).

On my end, I wasn’t content with the message I got. I needed more. There had to be something deeper—something worth discovering, despite the pain you inflicted and why God allowed it. So I sat still and asked again, “Why?” Why did You allow our paths to cross? I wanted to get my shit together. I needed to create something beautiful out of this. I didn’t want to settle with hurt and hatred. I didn’t want pain to end with pain. I didn’t want to despise you. What’s the point of loving when, in the end, I’d just loathe you? So I faced God again and asked. And, being a man of His word, Matthew 7:7 in context, I received what I asked for—love. It weighed more than the peace, chaos, and pain I dealt with. A love greater than the universe combined.

I listed what I learned from our connection. My thoughts echoed within the four walls of the PEA. I wrote it in my jot-down notebook—the one I use for pediatric ward duty:

Lessons learned from Rick Roland:

I shared in God’s work of reaching out to souls who needed His love the most.

I learned how to stay grounded. How to view the world without the lens of faith—how to connect with people who don’t believe in God’s power or love.

I learned how to love without conditions—loving someone with all their flaws, accepting them as they are, just as Jesus loves.

Love someone for who they are, without needing or wanting anything from them but their existence.

I left the fifth blank because that’s when I realized what God was trying to say: I am loved. In my spiritual walk, the hardest thing to believe isn’t God’s existence. It’s the fact that I am loved by Him. We learn through experience. Loving Rheick gave me a glimpse of how God loves me: loved, even in the even ifs.

Now I'm sure. I am loved—despite, despite, despite.

[tw1stedthicket]

Dear Heavenly ADHD gods,

Thank you for your low-grade methamphetamines.

Thank you so much for that hard pill to swallow that maybe I'm not somebody that needed to be quiet.

Thank you for transforming mania into momentum.

Thank you for helping me laugh more, and see that so much anxiety relief is in laughter, and so much of a deep breath comes less from checking over my shoulder every.single.time, and crippling self-doubt. It comes more from having fun and trusting my brain to run, as it always does. It may freeze, it may want to flee, it may want to fix, but I will keep going and be happy in doing so with your guidance by my side. My brain will keep me trekking onward and letting me know what is really up (the sky duh), and know when to sleep, and when to think, and when to do neither - but to be engulfed in a moment.

Thank you for helping me be in the moment and yet unserious. Thank you for asking me whether unserious does not mean dispassionate or uncaring.

Please revere the many offerings I have made of lost art and hobbies, and know that I cared so much. Let their spirits guide me to seek the hobbies I have craved that will spark new life in me, on whichever speck of this earth I may find them. Please let me even resurrect a few I really hoped to love, and do love still.

Please guide me to see in others the connections possible when I trust myself more to surrender to The Feral. Please guide me to see as you do that the people that keep making life worth living for me are the people like me, and holy ADHD gods, forgive my words as I know no other comparison, but I mean sinners like me who are saints in their own. I mean people who are cracked but not broken, people who flinch but protect, people who create in the most sacred of ways, from photography to crochet to musical edits to tiktok skits to poetry, and the hundred million times over love keeps revolving the world and revolving my life like a cool arts and craft macaroni kaleidoscope project made by yours truly, the glowing eel of the human brain.

Thank you for bringing to remembrance the tiny gestures that are important, like bravery in making other people laugh in the hallway, and how focus is letting other things go.

Thank you for making me *feel* things, like I am flesh and blood again. Like I am sadness and I am also happiness, and I live somewhere deeper inside than the incessant engines of nerves and tension, void space of distraction or seconds sweating by of screaming silently, but untethered, and perhaps maybe, unhinged. Let me let the scream out.

Please allow me to continue standing on the solid ground of The Bit, and that insecurity is no reason to take things personally or not be assertive. Instead, there lies in me, a bit of a trickster, that façades my way through the deeply unsatisfying disconnection in the ways life has required us to become boring and bureaucratic. Please help me find the whimsy, and use it in the ways I intend to do good in the ways I am passionate about. Our brains are remarkable at appreciating the silly and whimsy, and thank you for that blessing.

Please help me lower my threshold of interest in accepting what isn't my problem, and niceness and universal likeability is not the benchmark for righteousness. Please help me increase my tolerance every passing day for withstanding misunderstanding, even when that means I no longer place my worth as a person in a category of "smart" that I once believed made me worthy.

Grant me your wisdom to know that I am, and have always been, a smart and deeply intelligent and bright person; but I am also a person that struggles mentally every single day. This struggle is both wings and wax.

Please gravitate me toward others that are smart themselves - not in an education or profession or religion or expert kind of way - but smart in the way to know that intelligence doesn't mean much most of the time if you're simply kind and being yourself; and there's an intelligence in that, too. In knowing when not to be "smart" but how to be kind, and nothing more or less than you, and you who can have fun today, in spite of it all. In knowing how to be "dumb", and "lazy", and "unserious", and not required to live up to other people's ideas of what they want your "potential" to be, or what your "achievement" to be, and all the things I've believed that what is quite possibly now untreated ADHD, made me.

Please allow me to forget unevenly loaded ways of measuring integrity when integrity is more than obedience and people-pleasing and being right. Please, meds, let me displeasure the right people on this planet and have integrity to those who I want to. Please let me uncover more of your truth that I hold myself and everyone else on earth to standards that are useless and impossible sometimes to measure, that endless judging or evaluating is misery at the end of the day, and that vigilance and righteousness never gave me the strength to fight my brain or the heart to be a good person, but perhaps it was the help I had. The hands lifting up the earth beside me that allowed me to be, showed me what to do, how to learn to hold, and to help carry that weight with me. That we are all holding up each other, but we don't do it alone. Perhaps that life is one of those great big rainbow tents in elementary school gym class.

Thank you for showing me meaning in who I do know I can be, the person that matured quickly but is still learning to be a person and reconcile adult me and kid me under the rainbow tent. All of my brain's "giftedness's" existentiality and poetry and meaning, and the blessed and cursed forgetting of it, too. The meaning in grappling pressure, perfectionism, concentration, anxiety, overwhelm, tension, inattentiveness, "too much" and "not enough". As though holding this and being able to breathe while keeping the flame lit in-between endless burning out was Atlas holding up my life, and to accept now that maybe there is an unappreciated art of holding yourself together by letting your hands go a little bit. Letting your will be done, holy ADHD meds. Let thy will be done, in my brain as it is in my soul. Amen.

[unofficialarchives]

Tempted to write up a more detailed statement on the situation with Tim and Sam, but I'm also tempted to post my WIP. I've changed their tattoos from organs and tissues, which is really cool and very the flesh which is why I picked that initially in the picrew, to bones. For a few reasons.

When I was first designing Sam, it was as a self insert based on the toxic traits I displayed as a teen, just ramped up and exagerated quite a bit as the entities often do. My partner at the time, N, Was really into the magnus archives and I got really into it as a result of them. We made our OC's together, and though they had nothing to do with one another, Sam quickly became my baby. In part, due to the fact that I myself share toned down versions of some of their quirks, and in part because of who I had made it with. The others were also created with their guidence, and more so than Sam was. Maybe this is why I've set them down, because I had wanted their opinion. But I digress. During the intial creation process, I asked them about various backgrounds, tattoos, etc available in the picrew, and I knew I wanted a character with multiple mouths, and multiple voices (the flesh/the eye) but with ties to the desolation, because of that past Sam was drawn from. I quickly realized during our conversation that a lot of the pieces I liked were tied to entities I could never serve. Like the buried. And, after throwing a design together haphazardly that I liked, I showed them. They're first reaction was "Oh someone aligned with terminus, the flesh.. and something else. Maybe desolation or the eye?" And my heart sank a bit. The bones read as serving terminus to them, not the flesh. (Despite might I point out, bones also being prevelant in episodes attributed to the flesh) I asked them how to make that more clear, and they told me to add organ tattoos instead. It looked cool, and sufficed my vision, so I changed it. I felt it would be easier to read what they are this way. After noting that they were in the archives, I came up with the first statement about Sam. The rest you can see on my blog. Now, let me be clear, I'm not upset at N for saying what they did nor having that opinion. I wasn't then either. I'm still grateful that they guided me and provided a safe anchor to allow me to dip my toes into the horrors, before being consumed by the deep vast knowledge contained there. However for as much as I love Sam, I have never actually managed to do anything more than sketch them. There was something that stopped me each time, and I think that part of the reason, is that I struggled with drawing those same tattoo's I once loved the design of, without it looking unnecessarily messy, even in black and white. And so, in doing my first piece of art of them, I've decided to honor that original idea. I'll workshop a statement explaining the change, and that'll no doubt be entertaining. A first look at Elias and Sam interacting, perhaps? In any case, going forward Sam will have bones, not tissues, because I have to draw the bastard, and bones are far easier for me.

I have to apologize, I'm going to get a bit personal here. I've been wanting to say this next bit for a long, long time, but I've been afraid of emotional vulnerability, in a space of my creation, wherein I've literally got a self insert character. I recognize it's silly, but I too struggle to let people in, and I know why but that doesn't make it easier. I was afraid of ridicule, or being told to keep my feelings off a magnus archive blog. But, in a fandom that has rallied to support Jmart and lonelyeyes, amongst other things, I think maybe I'll be okay this time. Maybe, this is the best place to try.

To N, and N alone; My lonely companion, I do not know if you still read my blog and search for traces of our past - Or look into my future to see what it now holds, But I do miss you. We can never be close, because by default, I want to be closer than we should be, and you can't let people too close. You're a lukas, at heart and that's okay. I'm not your Jon. You're not my Martin.

Instead, I do believe I've become Martin myself, to a Jon who loves me and would look for me endlessly in the misty houses you led me to. I do not hate you, But I cannot love you. This is the only thing that might yet tie us together, as I made this blog oh so long ago as an attempt to bond and become closer, to find a way past your invisible walls - But I never did. You warned me beforehand that the lonely sang to you, called your name, and I didn't understand then what you meant.

I think I might now, and I'm sorry for hurting you, just as I know you're sorry for hurting me. I think you know too we can't really be friends, or anything more, because of who we are at our cores. I want connection, I want to be a part of something, be it the cult of the lightless flame, the ever seeing institute, or just a meat factory. And you'd rather be in a misty, quiet house, with people who share that desire. You can only be close with those who keep you at a distance, either literally or figuratively, and maybe if I had figured that out sooner things wouldn't have gone so badly.

Regardless. This blog is in a sense as much yours as it is mine - A co founder of the unofficial archives. My proof reader, my inspiration. I'm letting you go, but I hope that if this blog does come across your dash, or if my posts find you, you're still able to smile, and enjoy the content seperate from me, and our soured memories. I know how much this fandom means to you, and how much it has come to mean to me.

But, please.. Don't tell me it's you. Keep me at arms length this time. I'm sorry. I've found out you weren't a fan of the so called "grand gestures" and I recognize that this is an actual, grand gesture and if you hate it I get that too. But I needed closure, and the chances of you actually seeing this are slim to none.

Sincerely, The OG Sam Robinson, A. S.

I hope y'all won't drag me too hard for it. My feelings on it are still complicated, and difficult, but this blog has become a place of joy & fun - And this message has been weighing me down. With the weight lifted, I'd like to continue making magnus archives content. Though I'm not sure that I'll tag this post as such.

[planetche]

Hello, Aquarius? it's Pluto- Bring all the shit up

Just dig it all up.

I've come to accept my polarizing nature in this existence. I've spent a good part of my life dancing to the song of redemption, forgiveness and self doubt; always tinkering away at who I am in the moment.

My old self no longer exists anymore - and it hurt letting her go. She fought so hard, protected me, but she, was exhausted. She was ready to go home. I needed her to go home. As this may all sound cliché - we regenerate every 7 years, if we let ourselves grow, we can go. If we don't then we won't. simple.

My heart is scarred, but boy, is she whole. complete. renewed. This doesn't come with a decision- an overnight expedition or a scratch off win - this is remembering disdain watching my father make the worst mistakes of his life. This is ingesting the shame of mistreating myself, man after man. This is letting that shame go instead of feeding it a new heart. This is me giving myself permission to feel my dark feelings and giving them a place to live - recognizing their purpose, but remembering that that is no longer me. I don't have to keep being that person. I am allowed to change. I am allowed to grow. I am allowed to move on, even if justice wasn't served to me- I don't have to waste my life waiting for it.

I am allowed to live my life as I see it.

This work I do for myself, is so I can continue evolving into the person I always wanted to know - someone healthy. A kind and discerning parent. A friend with boundaries - and removing anything or anyone from my life that doesn't align with it. I've lost friend after friend on this path, but alas, I am free.

This path is for me - for the first time in my life, I'm walking in the sun because I belong here. Not for any reason other than that.

I deserve this solitude.

I earned my path in the dirt and I'm loving it. This is what liberation feels like. Doing the shit you want to do- because your heart says so.

Freedom.

At first, I struggled with the idea of selfishness; self sacrifice is a love language I learned to embody, so choosing my peace of mind over someone else's mess actually seemed like the wrong thing to do. (yes, read that line again. If you know, I love you. I'm sorry you didn't see it af first either, but it's never too late to change)

I'm not exempt from mistakes, I've had my share of being the villain, intentionally and by proxy - and you know what I learned from that? self -hate. Hurting others only confirmed the deep rooted anger I had for myself- it validated it. It gave me a reason to keep hating myself instead of facing the fact I was so disappointed in my life and felt no way out. I felt angry that I wasn't supported. I didn't want to admit that I didn't have what I thought everyone else had - support. I was ashamed. embarrassed- and THAT is what made me angry. Seeing people with parents and homes that were safe reminded me of what I never knew. I mourned what I never had yet desired my entire life.

Fast forward into adult hood and I am creating that same environment I had longed for since the age of 6. An environment of love, expression, safety. I am creating that for my marriage, for my life. I don't care what anybody has to say on the jaded side of the coin, this type of experience exists. As long as I am here, it exists.

Having feelings stem from past patterns and behaviors are all valid coming from an abusive home, yet they no longer have to validate me or my actions. They needn't survive. They can rest.

and She, is finally resting.

[strelitziareginaee]

MEET THE MUN!

name — Ghost/Ghosty

pronouns — she/her

preferred comms — Discord (Ask for Discord!) and Tumblr IMs

name of muse —

Main Muse: Strelitzia Side Muse: Cinderella

experience in RP — A long time. I've been rping since the Myspace days! Then I bounced around a lot. Left Tumblr for a few years and recently came back.

best experiences — I used to be a part of the Kingdom Hearts community back when Tumblr was really thriving (in the early 2010's), when rping in groups rather than independently was a big thing. I roleplayed Vanitas and made some really awesome friends in that group! We called ourselves the KH Crack Crew, lol. We would all talk every day on Skype! Those were good times and sometimes I still think about all of them. We just sort of drifted apart when we started to explore other fandoms, and yeaaaaa.... I still miss my KHCC squad sometimes, though we're all still friends on Facebook!

pet peeves / dealbreakers — Godmodding. I can't stand it. Even if it's something as small as assuming what my character is going to do next. If you want to have the scene go a certain way, there's a way you can write it and if my character does deviate from your original plan, you can take the story elsewhere. That's what can make rp really fun! The only times I'm willing to let it slide is in drabbles, lol.

My other pet peeve is taking what my character does way too personally outside of character. Like, ya'll know this is fake, right? lmao. At the end of the day, we're just writing our silly little characters in our silly little worlds. If it's ruining your day that badly, please go outside and touch some grass.

muse preference ( fluff, angst, smut ) — So I'm actually a huge sucker for romance plots. Romance, fluff, smut, slice of life. Also omegaverse, hehehe. I'm also a huge historical romance nut (think Bridgerton, lol)!

I've sort of moved on from fandom muses and now focus more on OC's (I really only rp on Discord these days, and 9/10 times it's M/M. I do have a F/F historical romance plot that I adore rn tho). Strelly and Cindy are the first muses I've picked up in years, and started rping on Tumblr again. So sometimes I feel rusty playing an established character I didn't make myself. But I'm trying! 〒▽〒 Anyways, give me that romantic nasty shit!! And make it gay as hell!!

plot or memes — Both! I think it's fun to meme and get into a character's mind that you normally wouldn't get a chance to play out. Or just being silly gooses. But I'm also down for always plotting and making something deep and personal!

long or short replies — Either, or! It depends on the plot, the situation that's happening in the story, or what length my rp partner sends me. I'm pretty good about matching the length of a partner's. Unless I got nothing else to say, then it'll be on the shorter side. Like, if our characters are just chatting and there's no action involved, of course it's going to be short.

best time to write — In the mornings! I do rp replies in between slow periods at work. I work from home, so I can get away with it, lol. Which is why you'll see me online for a good part of the day. It's also when I have the most energy. I'm an early bird and I'm burnt out by the time the evening rolls around. Sometimes I can write in the evenings, but that's very rare. So I try to knock out as much as I can in the mornings.

I'm rarely RARELY available on the weekends. That's when I'm the busiest~

are you like your muse —

I'd say yes. Although I don't have a green thumb like Strelitzia. I can't keep plants alive for the life of me. I have a lot self doubts like her too, and I struggle to make friends since I'm incredibly shy and struggle to connect with others on a personal level. ಥuಥ Me and Strelly be fighting for our lives out here!

Cinderella though, I resonate with her a lot. I grew up in a household where I was the cleaner and cook, and I just... know exactly how she feels, LOL.

tagged by: No one! Stolen from Litoredeem. Tagging: Feel free to steal!

[kipaparappa]

A lookback

I'm writing this on the christmas eve 2022, dec 24th. The year is going to an end and it has been a pretty chaotic year. It's painful, dramatic, but I get to reflect a lot of what happen, recapping all the episodes coming by throughout the year and understanding the better of them. Even at this very moment, I am still in the process of making everything make sense to my small mind.

A big portion of this year I spent while contemplating whether I should be quitting my position at salt or not. The reason is simple; I want--so badly-- to quit is because I was too ashamed. Too ashamed of what happened between me and the senior designer, I was exposed. But the most shocking part is, my insecurities was being validated. And there's nothing more humiliating than when your critique becoming real. Despite all that, He did not do anything wrong. I was just not ready enough to be exposed to my own reality. And of course, it took a toll in my self esteem. Even to the very moment I'm writing this post, I am still greatly affected, still struggling to get myself out of the loop. But back when I was in salt, all I could ever feel was just to hide. I felt too naked and I feared people will start to hate on me. But at the same time, I didn't want to lose my position-- no. I didn't want to lose my team. I didn't want to lose my friends-I didn't want to lose kak monic whom I cherished the most. But most importantly, I know very well that I was at my peak, so there's now way things are going to get easier for me after this. I will have to start walking on my downhill. And I wasn't ready for that. I wasn't ready to let go things I have always wanted the most, friends, position, a clear job desk. Everything just felt like a dream come true, and I wasn't ready to give them up.

Everyday I spent thinking of how could I prove myself, that I am worthy of their trust. I am not as bad as what my mind made me think how people perceive me to be. Yet deep inside, I loathe that mindset. I hate the desperation. What should I prove them about? They saw the real me already, should I make another façade to shift their view me in a more loving way? I don't want it. I have lost it. I have lost the momentum(?), the affection(?). Whatever that is, I knew my time was up and I have to pack my bags and put an end to the chapter.

Shortly after I was transferred to a new team that I wasn't enjoy to be with (at first). Instead, that felt like a slap back for me to wake up from my lucid dream. Life is not as sweet as when I was part of the orion. Slowly I regain my survival instinct. And as soon as I landed my first job deal (which went futile), I decided that it was my time was over and I have to get myself out asap. After all the chaos, It took me almost 3 months of job seeking to land an opportunity. I mean, it's great but not very great at the same time. I'm still deciding. I might want to stay longer if kai didn't quit. But the future in this company is too vague, and I need a social circle to sustain my mental health..

Social circle... Recently my mind has been running around, back to when I was a cicit student. I miss those times the most. All the interactions that I took for granted. everytime I see a campus student association or anything similar, strolling around a campus area, seeing people wearing matching outfit symbolizing they are part of something, an enormous amount of jealousy evokes in me. I never had any of those. and the closest experience I could get was when I was a part of cicit. Which is irony. I got hurt a lot when I was there, I was too hurt that I started disregarded all the friendship that was offered to me. Now, to have a friend, a real friend feels too lavish. I doubt I can ever afford that. I'm afraid I can never experience that ever again. I want to, really really want to, keep believing that there are people out there who are willing to accept me, befriend me, be with me. I conceal the bitter truth by having imaginary friends in my mind, laughing at my own thoughts, talking to a shadow livening up by my imagination... how sad. And thats also probably why I didn't want to lose salt. I want to be part of something, I want to feel like I belong to something. I want my presence to be acknowledged. That I matter, That I make difference... and I knew at the back of my mind that once I quit salt, its going to take me another long time to meet those kind of people.

Next year, 2023 I will be turning 26. Honestly speaking, I hate that. I am still very childish, suck at my job, have 0 romance experience. Will the opportunity come to me to become a better person? a better professional? to be able to stand on my feet stronger? will my prince come? As much as I want to stay single, I can't keep doing that in front of my family. At least I need to get myself out of my own home to be able to take a greater control over my own life. something that seems to be very easy to do pre-covid era. But after covid and okptp that fuck over my life and mental health, I grow more and more cowards towards crowd. I hate that, thats the only way for me to get out.

I recently fell for ume, which is like 7 years late. In my mind, I always imagine talking with him, so that I can get a little bit conscious about what I do, how people view me. I mean, I want to make me a little bit excited about something... damn.... the life I've been through recently has been extremely miserable. I am sorry for myself, looking at my own condition feels very pathetic...

maybe deep down I still yearn for romantic partner. But I just can't see myself going through all the processes... How I wish I can meet a good person while being good with myself too. How I wish someone will take me the way I am with all my good and bad. I want to have it easy and comfortable.. I want to feel like I am the one and so he is. I want to feel like I am needed.. I want to have a new purpose in life... I want to feel like my presence does make difference

But on the top of everything, I want to be comfortable with my own skin first. I want to be able to navigate and control my life before taking anyone in....

Do I still have enough time?

[saturnsstufff]

okay as a chubby girl myself I struggle with how I see myself and this idea makes my heart KSHDHSJS

okay so imagine IMAGINE

Request maybe 🤔🤔🤔

Okay,, you’re standing in the mirror yk in your mirror at technos house/cottage in your underwear and stuff, grabbing at the chub and stuff looking upset and not feeling good about yourself, and techno walking into the room and seeing this. yk him being upset that you feel that way Bc he thinks youre just so pretty 🥺.

IT COULD EITHER GO INTO A SMUT( 😏 where he SHOWS you how much he loves you and how pretty he thinks you are in the mirror) OR FLUFF WITH SOFT WORDS AND CUDDLES or both idk

*slams hand on desk* IVE BEEN WAITIN FOR THIS

I went with both, because I like options. I also based this off a little personal feelings so I hope it works!

My Goddess- Technoblade

Warnings: self conscious reader, swearing, NSFW

   The mirror. Your best, but worst nightmare imaginable. Some days you could look into it and see beauty within your curves. Spend endless minutes hyping yourself up. 'Man I look good' 'I am the fucking shit' 'damn look at that' all little things you tell yourself in pride. Because in those moments, you feel powerful. In those moments you feel like you own the world, that others are just lucky to breathe within your presence.

   However, there are bad days. There are days when looking into the mirror brings shame. Days when all you can do is grab at your stomach, and ponder of what you could have done, or what you will do. Its pressed that everyone is perfect in our own imaginable ways. Yet when you look at others, you cant help but be envious. Others can get away with wearing tight clothing, baggy clothing, any type of clothing. Yet when you try it on all you see is a box, if you wear tight clothing, every roll and muffin top pops out. It can be embarrassing.

   Techno never saw your curves as embarrassing however. He loved them. He loved the plush, soft skin of your tummy or your thighs. Your hips? don't even ask what he thought on hips, as long as they were yours. They were perfect.

   With that said, when he saw you saddened about your form he was slightly hurt. You thought he was beautiful, a hybrid of a monster. But yet you couldn't find the beauty within your rolls? Your plump little form? The very thing that made up you? If he ever found out who planted these seeds of lies in your mind, he would have words.

   If you felt confident enough to take the world by the horns, he let you. He would build you up with sweet words of encouragement. 'Well don't you look amazing...' 'you are looking beautiful as ever'. They were small phrases but they meant a lot to you.

   Techno isn't verbal with his love, or compliments really. He chooses to show it, words are just that. Words. Actions are done, are shown. They are physically put into motion. That's why he prefers it. But he also understands sometimes words are needed. They are needed to ease your nerves and doubtful mind.

   when he catches you glaring at your plump form in the mirror, he cant help but quickly move to your side. Kneeling and kissing up your body. Your arms, your thighs, everything. In the beginning he would let you look away. The idea of someone liking your body type left you uncertain, many times you would ponder if his endless kisses were done as a joke. But each and every time he would reassure you that it was real. That him loving you, loving your body. It wasn't in pity, it was in genuine love.

   Tonight was one of those bad nights. With Techno in the bath, you were left to change for bed. Wait for him to come out, and then cuddle the night away until the sun kissed the horizon.

   But well you changed your eyes fell to the mirror. Your eyes casually roamed your body. You were used to looking at it so nothing stood out of course. But as you shifted, you caught a few stretch marks within the candle light. They looked like streaks of lightning that were dragged across your skin. With a quick glance away, you pulled something over your form. Wanting to cover your body and deal with that mental baggage later.

   Of course the Hybrid that stood tall within the door frame held other ideas about that moment. The one thing that always put you at ease was Techno's size. Before you were in a relationship with him, you feared you wouldn't be able to wear your lovers clothing. Being a bit plumper meant "one size fit all" did not fit all. But luckily, with your roughly 6ish/7ish foot Piglin Hybrid of a lover, all of his clothing was a bit baggy on you. Technoblade was a very Built man, this came from his never ending training and his natural born strength of course. But even with him being built and big, the first time he asked you to sit on his lap had you hesitant. What if he found you too heavy? The idea of him asking you to move off would leave you completely mentally ruined. Of course when you finally sat he didn't utter any words besides praises. His hands running gently over your thighs, with a tight grasp he kept you close. When Techno saw you ease into his lap more often, he took pride in knowing you were comfortable enough to do it on a daily basis. That was when he upped the bar again. The day he asked you to sit on his face was the day you had a heart attack. You were so paranoid you would crush him. Of course he was all bemused smirks well you tried to think of excuses. Yet this man was able to ease your nerves and reassure you until you were comfortable once again. You would never forget how giddy he was to be between your thighs. That was the day he found his favorite spot.

   Before you could ease some bottoms over your underwear, this man had his arms around you. Pushing against your hands. His nose was nuzzled into your neck muttering gently "Please, leave them off for now..." with a brow raised you complied. You let the shorts drop to the floor, assuming you would be coming for them in a brief moment. You could smell the lingering sent from his shampoo. The fresh smell giving you great comfort.

   Techno moved you back to face the mirror, his head moving briefly so he could see you face yourself. With a light stubble scratching against your neck you felt the goosebumps rise. Your eyes met his ruby ones within the mirror. "Do you know, how beautiful you are?..." he asked rhetorically. Dragging out the words that he felt were important. You wanted to say no, but knew he wouldn't want that answer.

   "I think I'm alright..." you said softly. He hummed and pressed a loving kiss to your neck. His hands slowly fell down to the buttons of the shirt you were wearing. Skillfully he undid them without thought. When you had pulled a shirt on you didn't think much, but now saw that it was his you wore. Of course he didn't mind, he never minded.

   With the buttons undone he opened the shirt to expose your naked form. Every curve and roll on sweet display for him "You are beyond 'alright'... alright is basic. You know my goddess is beyond mortal definitions..." you gave a gentle smile at his charm, glancing away from his eyes. He didn't allow this tonight however. Instead he took your jaw and gently redirected it to the mirror. Meeting his gaze again.

   "My love... My goddess, you know your body rivals the gods, yes?..." you slightly shrugged, unsure if this was true. With another loving kiss he continued. "Persephone had rolls... She was just as plump as you my love..." you fallowed his eyes gently. Him comparing you to the beautiful goddess left you feeling better. If someone so divine could have rolls why couldn't you?

   He didn't stop there however. "If you cant see your beauty. Let me show you how beautiful you are..." his tone was pleading. Like a animal begging for spare scraps. You watched his eyes, his finger and thumb having control over your chin. You thought on his words and gave a brief nod to him. Trusting him and whatever he had planned.

   Instead of immediately kissing you all over, he pulled away. Firmly telling you to keep your eyes on the mirror. You felt a bit awkward standing there, your legs shifting closer underneath you. He soon came back however, his crown in hand. You could also see he had a simple gray towel around his waist, showing he was fresh from the bath.

   Your curiosity with the crown lingered, but you watched as he put it on your head. "You are a queen... My Queen... You will always be reminded of your everlasting beauty for as long as you are with me..." for not complementing a lot, tonight he was on a roll. Your eyes ran over the crown. The delicate and bright stones contrasting the shimmering gold well against your skin.

   He walked around to the front of you, leaning down to meet your lips in a loving kiss. His hand found a firm places on your hip, and on the plush skin of your ass cheek. With a gentle, but firm grasp he moved and rolled the skin beneath his hand. Loving how soft you were. With his hands working soft whimpers and moans out of you, his mouth devoured them. Eating every noise you made, cherishing them deep within his heart.

   Leaving your lips swollen he moved down. Kissing your jaw and neck. Planning to leave you a work of art. A show of how much he loves you.

   After your neck it was your chest. Soft plump breasts fitting ever so sweetly within his hands. With firm grasps he had you flushed red whimpering. Your eyes half lidded with the sweet lingering pleasure. Yet you still watched yourself and him, knowing to not disobey him.

   With soft kisses placed to the tops of your breasts and nipples he moved to your stomach. This is where you craved to look away. Wishing to hide yourself in his neck.

   "T..T-Techno..." he hummed acknowledging your words. But he still pressed light kisses down to the hem of your underwear.

  “Keep your eyes on the mirror." He said, pulling them down. Helping you step out of the discarded clothing. You couldn't see his face. Only his backside was facing the mirror, and even then his long wet hair hid most of his toned back.

   His fingers ran through your slit briefly. His rings offered a major temperature difference between your heat and the cold metal. With a little squirm his hands moved and held you in place. Desiring to keep you in place before he moved his head in and started to devour you. Eating you out like it was his last meal on earth.

   With a ever so sinful cry, you gripped at his hair. Begging for your knee's to not give out. With one hand on his head, the other one flew to the crown on your head. Trying to keep it on well you easily hunched over from the overwhelming pleasure. Techno never failed to leave you speechless- or should we say, he never left you quiet. Even if you could see yourself, you didn't think you would be able to focus much. Your eyes were tightly shut well your mouth ran between being in a 'O' and being locked shut.

   He did pull back from your folds to speak. Earning a cry from you. You were getting close and him pulling away was painful. "You can cum. But you have to keep your eyes open" you nodded profusely. Agreeing to anything if it meant feeling his lips back on you. He lingering a moment. Making sure your eyes opened before he leaned back. Taking his time to show your clit attention before going back to his main course.

   With your eyes looking back at you. You were unsure if you were ashamed with how blissed out you looked or happy. The whole scene in itself was erotic. You were incredibly small compared to the giant between your legs. His only drive to please you completely. Your eyes never left the mirror as he ate you out to your climax. Your hips stuttering and bucking, but proving no use to his iron grip. When you came he waisted no time at cleaning it up. He had no shame, that your cum was running down his chin. He was happy when you were pleased. And he knows you are definitely pleased after that climax.

   But he wasn't finished. With your legs weakening he helped you down onto his lap. He let you collect yourself against his chest for a few moments his hand ran over your back.

   "Doin' ok there Princess?..." you nodded slowly. Your chest rising and falling fast well you try and calm yourself. "Think you can do one more?" You nodded again well he pressed a kiss to your forehead, acknowledging your response. Adjusting his crown on your head, he moved so the mirror was beside you two. Showing both of your bodies, with the towel acting as a thin barrier.

   When you both were situated he did remove the towel. With a strong arm he lifted you up and positioned his hardened cock at your entrance, wasting no spare moment to fill you up. Well you did try to hide within his neck, it proved no use. He made sure to turn your head to the mirror.

   With your eyes hitting the mirror you saw how his head was beside yours. Your cheek was pressed to his chest well his was pressed to your forehead. His eyes lingeried your body. Drowning in your blissed out form. He found you utterly perfect.

   Well your bodies were connected, it almost looked like art. With techno's sharp gaze and your blissed out reddened cheeks, the contrast was there but yet they went together in perfect harmony. With the roll of his hips he made sure to keep your eyes on the mirror. Wanting to drag out every cry and moan you could utter. He set his pace at a rhythmic thrust, wanting to not only pleasure you, but himself as well. Well you griped to his sides, he kept his hand on he back of your head gently. Wanting to keep your head facing the mirror. With sweet sinful praises he coached you to a second orgasm, his fallowing close behind. He kissed your head gently, keeping you close to him well he felt himself soften. when his eyes met yours in the mirror he smiled softly. 

“Look at how beautiful you are... Always so, so beautiful Princess...”