#still wild to me that i am in a relationship
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BY THE BOOK : MIDORIYA IZUKU X READER
SUMMARY: When your pro hero boyfriend comes home to find you studying, he suddenly takes a great interest in helping out. You find his methods... questionable. TAGS/WARNINGS: nsft, hysterical literature (reading out loud while sexually stimulated), pro hero deku, deku still has ofa, support tech grad student reader, slight intelligence kink, gn + afab reader, cunnilingus, established relationship, aged up characters, fluff (3k) NOTES: Hi guys! I have been in survival mode as of late and the writing has been slow going; my sincerest apologies for how long it’s taking me to burn down my @ficsforgaza backlog. But I finally had the time & energy on my hands this weekend to work on this one and I had such a blast!! I hope I’m not too rusty—and if I am, I hope you enjoy it as much as I loved writing it regardless lol. Love you and thank you always for your patience. Happy Holidays!!
Sometimes, you thought you could tell your boyfriend was near, even before you heard his key in the lock.
It was something to do with his power, you’d always suspected—as a support engineer unduly interested in other people’s capabilities, you’d spent hundreds of hours turning it over in your head. It was the unnatural immensity of other people’s powers, you thought, pulling and coiling just beneath the surface of Izuku’s skin. In close proximity, after prolonged use, its presence felt like a shiver up the back of your neck.
You felt the barest hint of it now, an unsettled feeling creeping into the marrow of your bones, and you sat up on the couch just as you heard the scratch of Izuku’s keys at the door.
One For All fit cleanly into Izuku’s own unwavering intensity somehow, like the last piece of his puzzle. Though one would certainly never think so looking at him as he spilled through the door, pink-cheeked from the cold, all bright eyes, sweetly angelic features, and a riot of wild green curls. He looked windswept from the biting winter breeze. He also looked too kind to be carrying the sort of power he did—too sweet and eager and lovely.
“Look what the wind blew in,” you grinned at him over the back of the couch, after assessing he was well. Your eyes tracked the sinuous movement of those broad shoulders as he yanked his mouthguard over his head, the flex and pull of his bicep as he hung it beside the door. He was moving without pause, no sign of injury or muscle strain , and his suit was intact. Ordinarily you didn’t mind if there was a bit of shredding about the abs as long as he came back to you whole and hale, but in the winter you didn’t like him wandering about risking the chance of frostbite.
Your heart fluttered when Izuku returned your smile with one of his own, so beautiful and bright, chasing away the cold he’d tracked in like a warm sliver of sun.
“Lots of small, easy fights today?” You guessed, judging from his intact suit but clear whiff of power about him.
Izuku scrubbed a hand through that riot of curls, exposing the reddened shell of a cold ear. “I only had to use blackwhip a couple of times,” he said as he shouldered the door closed behind him, the muscle of his thighs flexing enticingly as he stepped out of his boots.
You gestured at the pot of soup you’d left warming on the stove, and the veritable pile of crusty bread beside it. Warmth and carbs, exactly what you would have wanted if you were a pro hero fresh off a long day of patrolling in the snow.
Izuku’s eyes fixed on it with an obliging amount of interest, and he almost tripped over himself in the genkan in his haste to get to the kitchen. “I love you,” you heard him say, muffled through a mouthful of bread, heard the clatter of the silverware drawer and a bowl being placed on the counter.
You smiled and turned back to the book in your lap, a particularly dry, knotty text on robotic imitation learning that had had your eyes drifting closed for the better part of an hour. It was the last you’d need to get through for your Wearable Technologies graduate course, and something you were deeply interested in incorporating into your design practice. You could train a piece of equipment on how an individual pro hero moved and deployed their quirk, and use predictive modeling to deploy assistance functionalities within milliseconds if you got it right—such as immediate cooling in pro hero Shouto’s temperature vest the moment he ignited an arm.
The implementation was going to be so cool—but the theory was so mind numbing.
You felt the couch sink in beside your feet, and Izuku peered interestedly at the title in your lap.
“Introduction to Robotic Imitation Learning,” he echoed, and you could hear the note of excitement in his voice. You suppressed a fond smile, knowing he was already thinking through the same applications you had—he was just as much of a nerd as you were.
“Introduction to Snoozing and Napping,” you grumbled, turning back to your page. “There are only so many words on the Kalman filter framework a brain can handle before the human mind shuts itself down.”
Izuku hummed in interest around a spoonful of soup, propping himself up against your leg. The exterior of his suit was still cool from the outside, and he groaned with relief from the warmth of your skin, even as you hissed at the chill.
You knew he wanted you to go on, so you generalized for him. “It’s an algorithm used for robotic motion planning—you not only take measurements of the thing you want to model but you account for uncertainties to predict the probability that something is going to happen.”
Izuku nodded, taking another spoonful of soup, gesturing for you to go on.
You summoned up the willpower to explain joint probability distribution, pleased when Izuku easily managed to follow—he’d always been a quick study, especially of anything that could be employed in the service of heroics. You’d long thought if he hadn’t been gifted his quirk, he would be an insane support engineer.
He managed to finish his entire bowl of soup in the time it took you to explain, and housed another two slices of buttered bread with the sort of alacrity you’d only ever seen in pro heroes and professional athletes, making you smile while you spoke.
His spoon clinked softly against the edge of the bowl as he set them aside on the coffee table, and he hooked his chin over your knees as you finished explaining. In the setting sun from your windows he looked especially lovely, the kind, angular planes of his face brushed in gold, softening the spots of his freckles.
His eyes were especially bright, the way they always were when something in particular had caught his interest, and he smiled at you again over the tops of your knee caps.
“I admire how smart you are,” he told you, in the simple, straightforward way he always gave out compliments. It was like a shot to the heart every time, and you could feel your face warm with the praise even after years of receiving similar compliments.
You reflexively flapped a dismissive hand. “Not smart enough to have internalized it all! I have mostly been falling asleep to it,” you promised him.
He tilted his head, a green curl falling into his eyes. “I know you won’t have a problem when you’re awake.”
You shifted your legs with embarrassment, and a long fingered hand came up to cup the front of your thigh, as Izuku turned more fully towards you. You could feel the warm, hard planes of his chest against your shins, the line of his jumpsuit’s zipper pressing insistently just below your knee.
“Gotta try to impress you somehow,” you joked, your skin prickling as Izuku’s fingers absent-mindedly drew a pattern across your thigh. You could feel the heat of his hand through the thin material of the leggings you’d lounged around in all day, the chill finally chased away from his skin now that he’d come inside and warmed up.
“You do impress me,” he said in his soft, gentle tone. Which made your cheeks and nose burn hotter.
You knew you did, and the steady faith Izuku had in the people around him was one of your favorite things about him. It still made you feel like a middle schooler with a crush to think about, though, the intensity of your feelings too much for one body to handle.
“I will study hard to live up to your faith in me,” you promised, unable to help the goofy smile you knew you were giving him.
Izuku’s chin shifted against the tops of your knees, and he pressed his mouth to the knob of your left one, leaving a smiling kiss. “Tell me more?” he asked, fingers still sliding softly over your thigh.
“I’ll read it to you as I go, then,” you said, turning back to the brick of a tome, propping it up more firmly on your stomach as you adjusted yourself against the couch arm. Izuku’s eyes watched you over the top of the pages, that emerald gaze tracking your face closely.
“‘The algorithm works via a two-phase process: a prediction phase and an update phase’,” you began, trying to turn your attention away from Izuku and back to the text. “‘In the prediction phase, the Kalman filter produces estimates of the current state variables, including their uncertainties. Once the outcome of the next measurement (necessarily corrupted with some error, including random noise) is observed, these estimates are updated using a weighted average, with more weight given to estimates with greater certainty.’”
Izuku’s long fingers traced firmer lines across your thighs, almost like he was taking notes. He layered another kiss along the line of your knee, eyes glittering at you as you read.
“‘The algorithm is recursive,’” you continued, “‘It can operate in real time, using only the present input measurements and the state calculated previously and its uncertainty matrix; no additional past information is required.’”
You almost jumped as Izuku’s mouth trailed lower, into the space between your knees, leaving kisses along your inner thigh. His fingers gently pulled one thigh away to make space for him in between, and you cleared your throat, trying to return to the text at hand.
“‘Optimality of Kalman filtering assumes that errors have a normal–that is, Gaussian–distribution,’” you read on. “‘The following assumptions are made about random processes: Physical random phenomena may be thought of as due to primary random sources exciting dynamic systems. The primary sources are assumed to be independent gaussian random processes with zero mean; the dynamic systems will be linear.’”
Izuku let out a soft breath, insinuating himself further between your thighs. Your own breath came out a little uneven as he bent over you, mouth tracking dangerously towards the inseam of your leggings.
You paused, but Izuku fixed you with a look of his slightly-darkened eyes. “Please—keep reading,” he said, his tone a little lower than it had been a minute ago.
You swallowed in shocked understanding, skin tingling. You felt yourself nod, as Izuku’s fingers strayed to the waist of your pants, dipping below the band.
You let him slowly peel your leggings down, your underwear with them, adjusting as needed to make it easy for him, even as you tried to return your attention to your textbook.
“‘Regardless of Gaussianity, however, if the process and measurement covariances are known, then the Kalman filter is the best possible linear estimator in the minimum mean-square-error sense,’” you quoted, nearly squeaking when Izuku pressed his mouth to your hip, his curls tickling the skin of your belly. His hands gripped either side of your thighs, palms square and rough against your skin, and you tried not to shiver with the feeling.
“Um—‘Although there may be better nonlinear estimators’,” you said, then nearly jumped out of your skin when Izuku pressed his mouth to the core of you, only the strength of his grip stopping you from accidentally kicking him in surprise.
“Oh my g—uh! It—um—‘It is a common misconception perpetuated in the literature that the Kalman filter cannot be rigorously applied unless all noise processes are assumed to be Gaussian,’” you managed, before your cut off into a groan as Izuku layered a hot, sweet kiss over you, tongue dipping carefully between your folds. “Ah-–Izuku—”
Izuku petted a thumb gently over the top of your thigh to show he was listening, even as he swiped his tongue over you again, a long, firm stroke that had your thighs flexing in his hold. He laved over your clit, sucking ever so slightly, and your grip almost tore the edge of your textbooks as it tightened.
“Keep going,” he urged briefly, then did it again, punching a groan out of you.
“Extensions—oh—‘Extensions and generalizations of the method have also been developed, such as the extended Kalman filter and the unscented Kalman filter which work on nonlinear systems,’” you read on, voice shooting up nearly into a squeal when two of Izuku’s long, firm fingers pressed into you, as his mouth moved over you again.
“Ah! Oh my god—the—um, the basis—-” you said, breath growing short. Izuku’s fingers unerringly found the spot inside you that made you twist in his grip with the ease of long practice, and his jaw worked as he kissed you so shockingly filthily. You could feel something already starting to build up behind your navel, a fluttery lightness, an insatiable insistence on more.
“‘The basis a hidden Markov model—oh, fuck—such that the state space of the latent variables is continuous and all latent and observed variables have–ah!--Gaussian distributions,’’’ you recited, your voice tripping up further into a register that sounded more like begging than reading.
Izuku’s fingers worked you, long and thick and perfect inside you, as his tongue drew unrelenting circles around your clit. Stars seemed to spark in your vision, and your eyes squeezed shut, losing your place on the page as your hips flexed into his face. You felt suddenly very floaty and lightheaded, and not at all in a position to keep going.
Still, you tried to refocus your attention.
“‘K–Kalman filtering has been used successfully in—oh—multi-sensor fusion—ah, ah!--and distributed sensor networks–fuck, please, Izuku—to develop distributed or consensus Kalman f-filtering,’” you said, your tone nearly a cry.
Izuku groaned softly, sucking gently as his fingers curled inside you. It made your veins spark under your skin, your legs shaking in Izuku’s hands. You abandoned your grip on your book to seize the arm of the couch, clawing desperately at the fabric.
“Please, Izuku,” you cried, hips bucking towards his mouth.
The book tumbled off your stomach but you hardly noticed, gaze refocusing on the way his eyelashes fluttered as he licked you. His fingers played gently within you, a maddening press that was simultaneously too much and not enough, and his other hand came up to slide under your sweater, plucking gently at your nipple.
You lost yourself to the feeling—caught between the mind-melting curl of his fingers, the delicate suction of his mouth, and the careful pinch of your nipple. A delicious heat curled through you, waves of unbearable pleasure, and you could hear yourself babbling nonsense—garbled syllables of Izuku’s name, and every entreaty you could think of, a hundred thousands mores and oh pleases.
Izuku abandoned your nipple to pull you more firmly against him with a strong arm curled under your thigh, pressing you even harder into his mouth.
You muffled a scream in the sleeve of your sweater as he sucked you harder, tongue laving over you in loving strokes. Only his terrible strength held you down as you writhed beneath him, and then his fingers twisted in a way that had your vision whiting out—and you were suddenly thrown out over the edge of your pleasure.
Izuku licked you through it as you squirmed and begged and cried out his name, your climax seeming to last for eons.
You were panting hard when you finally slumped into the cushions of your couch, the ceiling seeming to swim in and out of focus before your eyes. When you gained enough control of your body again you looked down at Izuku, finding him watching you with a satisfied, almost shy curl to his mouth.
“You’re beautiful,” he told you, emerald gaze glittering with sincerity. “You’re so smart.”
Impossibly you felt your heart swell with even more love for him, and you seized his shoulder, dragging him up over you so you could kiss his mouth. The taste of yourself on him was embarrassing yet thrilling, and you petted a pleased hand through Izuku’s wild mess of curls as you kissed him.
“Well you are amazing,” you told him, swiping a thumb over his cheek fondly, smoothing over his freckles. A gorgeous watercolor of pink washed over his cheeks and nose at the proclamation, and you could hear his fingers flex in the cushion beside your head.
The sight of him flushed and waiting over you like another small something inside of you, like a pilot light, and you let your mouth pull into a wry grin.
“I hope you know I learned nothing though,” you said casually, your plan for your next steps already forming in your head. You let a hand trail carefully down Izuku’s flank, tracking towards his waist. “I think maybe I might need a few rounds for it to really sink in.”
Izuku’s ears went red against the green of his hair, and you felt your smile widen. “Maybe you could read it to me this time?” you asked, guiding him to roll under you, retrieving your book from the floor as you did so.
You settled yourself on the tops of Izuku’s thighs, feeling the hard press of him against your core, as you placed your textbook into his waiting hands.
Izuku’s answering smile was all the permission you needed. You directed him to start from the beginning of the chapter, and he did so in that soft, lilting tone of his you so loved. And then your fingers trailed up to the zipper at his collar.
It was time to return the favor—wholeheartedly.
REFERENCES: Kalman Filtering (Wikipedia) I took the passages our Reader recited from here because I do not actually understand Kalman filtering at all and could not organically come up with feasible text for her to read through. Sorry in advance to the author of this page lol.
#deku x reader#izuku x reader#midoriya x reader#midoriya izuku x reader#izuku midoria x reader#izuku midoriya x you#deku x y/n#bnha x reader#fics for gaza#izuku x you
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venus, are you there? (agatha harkness x fem!witch!reader)
💜 reupload sorry i fucked up and i'm really sad about it 💜
summary: your patron goddess, venus, has been distant lately. you don't know what you did to upset her, but your life and your powers have been suffering in her absence. you visit the local mage, agatha harkness, about your problem. as you come to find out, it takes a special kind of ritual to provoke the goddess of love.
warnings: lesbian sex duh (18+), DUBCON (innocent!reader is really into agatha's "counsel" but oblivious to her sexual intentions until they're doing the deed), historic westview AU (before it was a suburb, it was a magical village), agatha's improv skills, no beta we die like lilia
notes: after much rumination on the AAA finale, i've decided that being a lifelong liar and diabolical villain can only make a lesbian hotter. centuries is a long time to live, and my brain has gone wild thinking of all the messed-up ways agatha must have passed the time. i imagine she had some fun with the women around her—giving them the attention and stimulation they needed, regardless of whether they knew it or not. gotta keep the bed warm between all the power-stealing and mass murder, am i right ladies?
"agatha harkness, mother of witches, watches over westview from her dwelling on the hill. any spell you can't cast, she will."
so the story went, passed around among the women of the village. if they were to be believed, agatha ran an apothecary out of her home, a one-stop shop of sorts for witches in dire need of guidance. the locals spoke about her with admiration, and the tales of her magical miracles were legend.
hardly a day went by without some talk of agatha's feats: how she unbound someone's great-aunt after the woman had been powerless for decades, or how she rescued a friend of a friend from certain death after a nasty broomstick accident.
---
venus, goddess of love and beauty, had been guiding you all your life. when you were little, you saw her sometimes in the flower-dotted meadow behind your house—a spectral angel, wrapped in pink silk with her hand outstretched to you.
now, though, venus had been silent for nearly a month. her altar was covered in offerings, none of which seemed to please her. you tried every trick under the moon to lure your patron goddess out of hiding, but nothing stuck.
with every failure, things felt increasingly... off. out of the blue, your jewelry degraded to the point that it looked cheap and rusty. you felt tired more often; your skin grew cold and dry. then, you started to feel venus's absence in your relationships. when you got into a huge fight with your best friend over a random misunderstanding, you knew you had to do something.
---
bouncing anxiously on your heels, you waited for agatha to answer the knocks at her door. there was something foreboding about her house in all its gothic glory.
the intricately carved door swung open and there she was, the fabled mother of witches. long brown waves cascaded over her purple-clad shoulders, wild tresses gliding over a silken cloak. you hadn't expected her to be so gorgeous. you'd always pictured the local legend as a crone.
"can i help you, sweetheart?" her voice was warm and lilting. you were almost too staggered by her darkly striking looks to reply, and agatha seemed to know it. her eyes sparkled with amusement, and the corners of her mouth tilted upward.
"um, i hope so," you finally managed before steadying yourself with a deep breath. "venus is my guide, but she's been ignoring me lately. all my gifts and devotions have been worthless; i still can't find her."
"hmmm..." agatha hummed in contemplation, her brows furrowed and fingernails tapping rhythmically against the doorframe. moments later, she ushered you inside and closed the door behind you. "what have you offered her? do you have a proper altar at home?"
"yes, and i've tried everything: fresh roses and myrtle, sea shells, wine, honey, chocolate..." you trailed off as you noticed the scenery around you.
agatha's walls were covered from floor to ceiling in magical materials and aids. she had jars upon jars of herbs, petals and extracts; woven tapestries of pagan deities and common incantations; various crystals suspended in place, arranged to form rune-like symbols; and a massive "death" tarot card in a frame lined with wilted flowers.
as you looked around her home, awestruck, agatha gently nudged you toward her couch. you sunk into the black leather and surveyed the coffee table in front of you, similarly cluttered with witchy items like candles, incense, and a cauldron. agatha stayed on her feet, pacing back and forth while she pondered your situation.
"how long has it been since you last sensed her?" agatha asked. you felt your face heat up when she turned her intense blue gaze to you. you could practically feel the power radiating off of her.
"about a month," you answered sheepishly, wringing your hands in your lap. a look of intrigue flashed across the witch's face and she stalked toward you. soon, she was standing behind the couch where you were sat, her hands firm on your shoulders.
"you're a pretty girl..." she thought out loud, and you squirmed subtly in place at the compliment. "servant of venus, and it shows..." her fingernails traced barely-there spirals on either side of your neck, and goosebumps spread across your skin. satisfied, agatha pulled away to resume her pacing. "got anyone special in your life?"
"i-i'm close with some of the other witches in town, and my grandma lives in the next village over—"
"not what i meant, honey," agatha purred and perched herself on the couch next to you. "who looks after your needs?" you didn't reply, staring at her quizzically. she tried again. "cute thing like you must have a gentleman caller or two, no?"
"not at the moment," you shook your head. "although there was a man who passed through westview a while back, a traveler. he courted me."
"and were you intimate with this nomad?"
"he only kissed me once, right before he left town. said he'd be back for me."
"how did it feel?"
"p-pardon?" you stammered, not expecting to be grilled on your romantic history today—let alone by agatha harkness, who grinned like a cheshire cat at your shyness.
"magic-wise, i mean. acts of affection can trigger power surges, especially for witches who follow venus... if she approves."
"i don't remember sensing anything out of the ordinary," you shrugged. "i wasn't expecting to feel a spark right away; it was just nice to be admired."
"i'm sure, but you're a disciple of venus. do keep in mind: she rules over love, not self-esteem," agatha took hold of your hand while she advised you, sending a chill up your arm. "i have a theory. when did you meet this man?"
"five or six weeks ago, i'd say."
"then it sounds like your goddess was displeased with your choice of lover."
"what, so she's just gone? i kissed the wrong guy and she gave up on me?"
"oh no, sweetpea, you just have to get her attention again."
"how can i do that?" agatha paused at the question, surveying the room in all its magical madness.
"do you still have power?"
"yes," you said, extending your palm toward her—only your magic wouldn't spark. it fizzled, emitting blots of pale pink, but you couldn't get your powers flowing fully.
"oh dear! looks like your magic's not flowing right. it's still there, promise."
"how can you tell?"
agatha narrowed her eyes and gave you a smirk that made you clench your thighs together. then she surged forward, cupping your face and kissing you deeply before you even knew what was happening.
agatha's kiss was hungry, purposeful. her tongue lapped at yours while her fingers sent purple caresses along your jawline. she took your breath away and set your body on fire all at once. to your disappointment, she subsequently pulled away.
"see, lovebug?" she beamed at the sight of you with hooded eyes and kiss-swollen lips. then, she held your open palm up to your light of sight. "you've still got it."
sure enough, the glow of your magic was there. it was weak, but it was there, swirling in the center of your hand.
"why don't you try lifting that spell jar over there?" agatha gestured to a small object on a wall shelf. "the one with the pink wax seal."
you aimed your palm at the spell jar and focused your energy, but no matter how hard you tried, you couldn't harness the telekinetic power to make it budge. you huffed in frustration.
"don't lose hope, angel," agatha rubbed your thigh comfortingly. "i know a ritual."
"you can bring venus back to my side? really?" you perked up in near-disbelief.
"would you be here if you doubted me?" she quipped back, forcing a conciliatory head shake out of you. "didn't think so. now take your clothes off."
"what?" your eyes almost bulged out of your head, but your thighs clenched together involuntarily at the thought of the older witch seeing your body. one predatory smile from agatha, and your mind was officially at war with your body. she stroked your cheek in mock sympathy, but you could see the amusement in her eyes. she gestured to the wall opposite you both, plastered with photos and illustrations of nude witches dancing under the moon and wading into the sea.
"precious few magical rites involve fabric, darling," agatha soothed. "it's an unnecessary barrier between your energy and the earth."
reluctant yet hanging on her every word, you relented and stripped for her. there was a pleased glint in her eye while she watched your body intently. you peeled off your clothes, giving her occasional anxious looks while you bared yourself.
"good girl," she cooed, watching you shift uneasily from foot to foot. your nipples hardened at a chill, and you could swear her eyes darkened in response. you blinked, and she was in front of you, her robes mere inches from your naked body. after another blink and a rush of purple, you found yourself in another room in the sprawling house—what seemed, at a cursory glance, like agatha's bedroom. "pardon the change of scenery; this is the most magically protected place in the house. now," she gestured to a king-sized, plush purple bed. "on your back, gorgeous. get nice and comfy so we can draw out your power."
"are you gonna have me meditate? or, ummm, astral project?" you asked in arousal and disbelief.
"sure, more or less," she chuckled darkly. impatient, she sent you floating to the center of the mattress with a purple mist. standing at the foot of the bed, she stared at you like you were her last meal. you heard a faint, sparkling whoosh and looked up to see tendrils of violet flying from her palms, a knowing grin on her face. when her magic latched onto your skin and began to stroke its way up your thighs, she piped up again. "can you feel that, sweet girl?"
before you could respond, agatha pounced. she caged your body with hers and dove for a sensitive spot on your neck. she suckled, and you gave a breathy moan that seemed to excite her.
she made her way down to your sternum with sloppy kisses, then turned her attention to your breasts—squeezing and caressing them while you both sighed in pleasure. her hands were rough and greedy and felt so good.
"is this, ahhh, part of the—" agatha cut you off by pinching your nipple between her fingers, rolling it while threads of her magic danced around the sensitive bud. when she closed her mouth around your other nipple, your back arched off the bed, and the three candles on agatha's nightstand spontaneously lit. you gaped at the witch above you in shock. "did i do that?"
"sure did, superstar. i told you this ritual would draw out your power," the older witch said with a smugly victorious smile. she gave each of your tits a kiss farewell before reluctantly parting with them. then, she planted a meandering path of energy-infused smooches from your chest all the way down to your lower belly. even the gentlest touches of her magic electrified your nerve endings, making you writhe under agatha in a silent plea for more, more, more. "oh dear, aren't you needy?"
"yes, yes please agatha, i need you to..." you trailed off upon seeing the expectant, self-satisfied look on the woman's face. the clouds of your desire parted momentarily, and you finally realized what exactly you were asking the mother of witches to do for you (to you). agatha had seduced you into her lair, reduced you to a begging mess. you decided right then and there not to hold it against her. "finish the ritual."
"how could i deny such a polite request from such a pretty girl?" agatha cooed before snapping her fingers, pinning your legs open with her magic. your ankles were bound to opposite corners of the bed by shimmering purple cuffs of energy. agatha grinned wolfishly as she situated herself between your spread legs. "alright, baby, just relax. let yourself feel."
you released a shaky breath and closed your eyes in preparation for agatha's touch. at the first stroke of her fingers through your folds, you felt magic crackling in your veins. you tried to stay on top of the wave of power that threatened to overwhelm you.
"goddess, you're dripping. that's a good sign," agatha drawled, her eyes fixed on her fingers as they lightly stroked up and down your pussy. with no warning, her pointer finger found your clit and pressed down, eliciting a yelp from you. when she began to draw firm circles on the bundle of nerves, you cried out, and the candles on agatha's bedside table rumbled like they were about to tip over. "that's my girl. feels nice when i rub you there, hmmm?"
"s'good, agatha, please don't stop..." you babbled breathlessly, your hips bucking toward her hand. agatha made a low growling sound and laid her free arm across your abdomen, pinning your lower body to the mattress. then, while you were still reeling from her manhandling, she slipped two slender fingers inside you. "oh!" you squealed at the foreign sensation, the sudden fullness. her digits probed your pussy, searching for something. you squirmed as her long fingers combed your fluttering walls. "ag—ahhh, i feel funny."
"i know, sweetie, just bear with me for a second here. you're taking it so well," agatha's free hand twitched and sent a bolt of tingling purple warmth to your clit, rewarding your patience. you gasped and bit your lip to keep from screaming. agatha wasn't even touching your bundle of nerves, yet you could feel her playing with it all the same. while agatha chuckled at your barely-restrained desire, her fingers found your g-spot. this time, you couldn't suppress a keening moan. "oooh, i like that sound. stay loud, lovely girl; let venus hear you."
she emphasized her words with a hard stroke of her fingertips against your special spot, and you shrieked. your hands scrambled for purchase somewhere, anywhere, and ultimately clung to two threads tied to the bedframe above your head. you didn't remember them being there before, but you figured it was one of agatha's tricks. had you opened your eyes, you would have seen the rosy color of the glowing strings and realized that you, not agatha, conjured them.
"are you close, baby girl? i can feel your magic pulsing and flowing," agatha whispered with a sultry wink. you clenched around her fingers and she cackled, pressing her violet-charged thumb to your clit and doubling the energetic stimulation there. you yanked at the pink restraints above your head and writhed pathetically at her touch. "if the ritual is true, you're about to experience pure ecstasy. say my name when you do."
it was all too much. her fingers twisted inside you and brushed your g-spot while her thumb rubbed vibrating, sparkling circles on your clit. a wave of white-hot bliss crested over you, and you cried out: "agatha!"
"princess," the older witch soothed as she continued her ruthless strokes. she looked around in awe as the room was bathed in blushing light, your just-recovered power shining in the afterglow of your orgasm. but agatha didn't let up. she wanted a replay of your precious, pleasured face. when you tried to wiggle out of her grasp, she scoffed. "don't pretend you can't give me another because you're going to, little witch."
she then ducked down to mouth at your clit while sneaking a third finger into you, curling to hit your most sensitive spots with vibrating energy. she took your button into her mouth and sucked vigorously, which sent you floating over the edge once more. again you screamed her name, but this time you also reached for her free hand where it rested on your chest. her fingers eagerly intertwined with yours, and your magic reached out for hers—a pink orb yearning for a touch of purple, charged hands held together by attraction.
"come back to me, superstar," the older woman coaxed as your orgasm faded. she smiled and guided your palm into your field of view. there it was, as if it had never dimmed: your power. agatha had fulfilled her promise. "told you so. i could have stopped after one, so that second round was just for me—you're stunning when you come."
"you... you did it. you got her back," you whispered in disbelief and gratitude. "thank you, agatha. i don't know how to repay you for this."
"oh, i can think of a few ways," she laughed, leaning down to whisper in your ear. "how about you show me what you can do with all that power, honey?"
you sat up and stared at her, confused. she took your glowing hand and dragged it over her upper thigh, exposed by a slit in her dress. you took the hint, swiftly using your magic to vanish her clothes just as she'd done for you. you waved her legs apart and teased your way through her folds, savoring the feeling of her arousal on your fingers. agatha huffed.
"that all you got, daughter of venus? not even gonna touch me witch-style?" agatha provoked. you sighed but gave in, your index finger sending a beam of pink stimulation to explore her from the inside. she gasped and bucked her hips at you frantically. smirking, you lowered your face down to her pussy and started worshipping her clit. while you sucked the bundle of nerves into your mouth, your hands snuck up to agatha's chest. you tweaked her nipples with magic-tinged fingers, and the triple stimulation made the older witch fall apart. "such a good, sweet girl... don't stop, angel..."
you kept working diligently until the witch groaned and pushed you away with a wall of violet. you sat back on your knees and gazed at her, dazedly waiting for any sign of approval. as soon as agatha recovered from her high, she caught you by surprise with a deep, heated kiss.
"you, my darling, are full of surprises," agatha booped your nose as she pulled away. "and look at you!" she cradled your hand and pressed her finger into the center of your swirling, rosy magic. "got your groove back. i told you i'd fix ya right up, and the ritual wasn't so bad, was it?"
"n-no, it was... thank you," you stammered, still reacting to the ritual. "how much do i owe you?"
"don't be silly, toots," agatha said melodically while she wrapped her arms around you and lay back. "i believe in karma. you'll pay me back in kind someday, sugar; don't sweat it today."
"what if she leaves again?" you whispered, feeling agatha's shallow breathing against the crown of your head as she snuggled you. she shook her head, and you felt her nose moving from side to side.
"shhh, sweetheart," she cooed, running her fingers up and down the exposed side of your torso. "that's what i'm here for. any more problems, you come to me. i'd happily make you feel good as new."
satisfied, you burrowed into agatha's hold and drifted off to sleep. with the object of her desire finally at her mercy, agatha was pleased too. she thought about her next move; she'd need to possess another man to pursue you and throw off your powers again. you'd probably get wise to it after the third or fourth guy, but what could you do about it? try to kill her? agatha smiled at the day's work and breathed in your scent, lulling herself to sleep.
#agatha harkness x reader#agatha x reader#agatha harkness smut#agatha all along#agatha all along fanfic#agatha all along smut#marvel fanfiction#wandavision smut#reupload#sorry i deleted it idiot idiot idiot
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HAPPY NATURIST MIDWINTER
I write on the Eve of the year's longest night. This is the turning point of the natural year, one when nature seems to all but stand still. In the Wild Wood near our home, all seems quiet bare and still. It is as though the earth holds its breath while gathering strength. Still there are signs of strong and vibrant life. The holly trees are green, glossy and magnificent right now; the females laden with scarlet berries. Ivy glows in its shiny glory, its flowers giving way to the slowly ripening berries. By January they will turn glossy black. The Yew trees stand guard, wearing a darker green. There are blue tits twittering in the thickets as they hunt for food. High winds are forecast this weekend and the strong breeze will naturally trim the branches above us.
Now is a time when the ancient Celts mourned the loss of sunlight and looked forward to nature's rebirth. At this time of year, people have always headed into the abundant woodland to forage. Clothing was certainly optional. So it is for us too. I might wear a coat if it is near freezing but little else. People gather those fallen branches to fuel their winter hearths and keep warm. They gather green branches too to cheer their homes. All is at should be and we wander naked among the trees, enjoying the little light there is right now.
I am a person of faith, though not a Christian. I am a mother and appreciate that for some, this is a time to welcome a baby's birth. I brought my own first born into this beautiful world in cold January, not long after this time. New birth always brings joy to everyone, and for a new young Mum as I was, contentment. Your baby rests on your belly in full view where before she nestled inside you. Her little mouth searches for your breast and she imbibes life. All this is done naturally. You are naked, she is too. You will wrap her to keep her warm later but for now you are both as the creator intended you to be: No shame, no worry about clothing, just you and her.
For me and my faith, this is a time to recollect when our liberty was threatened, when the right to be who we are was denied. On the night of the 25th, we light one candle and celebrate our freedom; freedom to be who we are. Each night will see a new candle as others join in that celebration. We eat the produce of the earth; frying potato pancakes, and drink the fruit of the vine. As a naturist I am all too aware of threats to liberty and the right to express who I am. Like the turning of the year when we reject the idea of death and affirm life, I reject those who project shame onto me for being naked. For a woman, it can be tough. Men can tend to see your naked body as their property. They see your nakedness as flaunting something which is theirs by right. There is a tendency to sexualise you and see you as a loose woman. I am my own and my body belongs to me. I belong to my husband as much as he belongs to me. The union of naked female and male is a perfect balance of forces. We lean back and our partner supports us. In a great relationship, that balance is effortless and strong. My body then is without shame, perfect and wonderful. There is no need to cover anything. Certainly not my breasts or my vulva. Why would I want to cover or be ashamed of something that brought my precious and beautiful daughter into the world and why would I want to cover the means by which I fed her?
With my husband, we decorate the house for Christmas in a Dickensian fashion. Our house was brand new when it welcomed Christmas in the 1862. Just 19 years before, a 31 year old Charles Dickens published 'A Christmas Carol'. It captured the public's imagination with its depiction of Scrooge and the spirit of the season. Though I don't keep Christmas personally, I support my husband by celebrating this joyful time. Likewise, my husband joins in my celebration of Chag Urim: The Festival of Lights. We will celebrate life, being naked and the joy of being free. Everyone gets one gift for eight nights. This year our two festivals coincide; the first time since 2005. However and whatever you celebrate: The Solstice, Kwanzaa, Chanukah, Christmas, anything else, or just The Season to be Jolly; we wish you the best of times and the most wonderful of holidays.
Since you have read this far, you are almost certainly a naturist or at least naturally inclined. You don't need to read further. Happy Holidays! Please like and repost with our blessing. Do remember however that the text and images remain our copyright. While you go and do that, I have words of warning below the next picture, for others who aren't like us.
For those of you who didn't bother to read or were simply captivated by my naked body, not naturism, I have a new message. I am getting weary of seeing my posts shared on your sexualised blogs. By doing this, you totally misunderstand naturism. Naturism celebrates the naked lifestyle and not just sex. I absolutely adore sex but It is just one beautiful aspect of being naked, not its sole purpose! So from this point onwards, if you have a weird and empty blog with a name like 'hardon1969' or similar; if you just repost naked girls; other naturist's creative work and don't post your own - I may just have to block you, sorry. You will certainly also be blocked if you send sexualised messages and images of one tiny part of you! (you know what I mean) Do me a favour. Get naked in 2025. Post affirmative images of yourself on your blog. Better still, write something inspirational about naturism too. Make sure you also post an avatar that is actually you and not an icon. Be brave, be yourself and enjoy a Bright Nude Year!
Jane x
#naturist#nude outdoors#clothesfree#nude in nature#normalize nudity#girlblogging#outdoor nudity#hiking#woodland walk#nonsexual nudity#winter solstice#midwinter's day#midwinter's night
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I'm deleting all my fics on AO3.
This is in protest of the new trend of zero interaction, zero reblogs and zero comments that content creators now have to put up with, fandom is now a depressing place and I'm sick and tired of giving everything and getting nothing.
Everyone keeps saying "Oh but you should write for yourself" well fine, I am, this is what fandom would be like if everyone only wrote for themselves and therefore don't need to share their work. Empty. Fandom is now empty.
I've been on tumblr for a very long time and still have people who followed me for past fandoms, so should you want to keep any of my fics please download them now.
I have already deleted the majority of my fics on there except the following 7 of my long fics, which I will list here. In 24 hours they will be deleted also, so please download them if you wish to keep them.
This is the end of my participation in fandom.
Title: Asunder
Fandom: Loki
Pairing: Mobius/Loki
Summary - The violent God and the gentle Man, two sides of Loki’s split personality that has him locked in a criminal mental institution. His doctor, Mobius, has him under his care, but there are things Loki doesn’t remember, about his crime, about his past…about who Mobius really is. All Loki knows is that he is afraid of what the God will do next, and that the easy smile of his doctor makes something stir warmly inside him.
Title: See You Tomorrow
Fandom: Vikings
Pairing: Athelnar
Summary: After suffering through a horrific tragedy, Athelstan has lost his faith. A difficult thing, when living in the village on the Holy Island of Lindisfarne. Refusing to talk to God, and knowing the locals are watching him, Athelstan tries to continue with his life as though he wasn't screaming inside. When a tourist named Ragnar Lothbrok visits the island, his wild and very forward personality gives Athelstan a jump start in actually living his life, not just being alive. Though Athelstan isn't entirely sure if it helps or not that Ragnar is trying to seduce him every two seconds. Hint: It does.
Title: Bad Reputation
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Real life pairing J2 Jensen/Jared
Summary: A-list Hollywood movie star, rich, charmingly charismatic, sweetheart of the industry, Vogue’s Sexiest Man Alive 2 years in a row, wanted by all producers and all gold diggers alike with his fans in the millions. So how had lowly car mechanic Jensen now got Jared’s phone number written on the back of his hand, his chevy impala in his garage, and a promise of dinner, Jensen didn’t the fuck know! Now there’s paparazzi at his door and Jared turning up in the middle of the night in tears, what has Jensen got himself involved in?
Title: Guardian of the Soulless
Fandom: The Witcher
Pairing: Geralt/Jaskier
Summary: Geralt has just left a relationship with Yennefer, the boss of a top London crime family. They leave on good terms, and he stays as a bodyguard for hire to be called upon when needed. He has every reason to believe his life will carry on as normal, but he barely gets two footsteps down the street before he finds a noisy angel amongst his monsters of the crime world. Jaskier has no idea what he's gotten himself involved with, and frankly he's more excited for it. Cue Jaskier finding a heart to call home, and Geralt realising love is what he'd always been missing.
Title: The The Stars
Fandom: Good Omens
Pairing: Crowley/Aziraphale
Summary: The happy ending Titanic!Au. Aziraphale is being forcibly sent to America to be forcibly married to Gabriel. Crowley is going to forcibly screw that up.
Title: L/S - I Will Stand Here With You
Fandom: Black Sails
Pairing: Flint/Silver
Summary - Silver's the irresistible hot singer for the new band L/S. Flint is a lonely man. Miranda is his fed up friend needing to get Flint back in the game. What she doesn't expect is what she'd planned as a one night stand between the two men to grow into something beautiful.
Title - We Met At The Park
Fandom: X-Men First Class
Pairing: Erik/Charles
Summary: Unable to sleep one night Erik takes a midnight walk in the local park. He finds himself being followed and propositioned by a rent boy named Charles, and begins to fall rather rapidly for his charms. Charles however has never known what love is, and doesn't recognise it even when it's staring at him in the face. As for Erik, he doesn't realise a creeping illness is slowly affecting Charles, and his dark past is something he couldn't have imagined.
#lokius#athelnar#cherik#geraskier#wincest#aziracrow#the witcher#good omens#loki series#vikings#x-men: first class
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#still wild to me that i am in a relationship#itll be 3 months next week and i am obsessed with him than ever#i never couldve imagined itd actually be like this but it is literally everything i ever wanted#hes sooooo kind#and sweet and i could gush about him all day long#i mentioned in front of two of his friends how im planning to buy a ps5 in the next couple months bc i only have Nintendo consoles#and i wanna play other games#and his two friends where like well why arent you getting a gaming pc?????#important note here: they all are gaming nerds and they are all like IT guys incl my boyfriend#and i explained that its just the easiest way and that im not really a pc gamer#(but important note here is that my bf has hi gaming pc set up on his tv and plays with a controller exclusively and i do vibe with that)#and then all 3 basically were like we will literally build you a gaming pc ourselves so you dont buy a ps5!!!!#that was 2 days ago.#yesterday my boyfriend showed me his research into possible gaming pc set ups for me that would be within a certain budget#while still being definitely more than good enough#and he explained some things to me and asked my opinions#and now im sat here like ok 🥺#i think ill let my boyfriend build me a gaming pc#mind you i wasnt planing on getting a ps5 before fall the earliest bc im planning on moving soon and money and all that#but hes already planning and gathering ideas#while still understanding why i initially wanted a ps5 (less money and i have no idea about gaming pc set ups) and leaving it fully up to me#i am also now at exactly 100 hours into elden ring with him as my backseater#which means end game shit#i am currently switching between trying to win against Malenia Mogh lord of blood and radagon#its........ going#i maxed out my number of flasks and charges?? is that what its called#and i got my +10 staved and sword/catana#its still super fun but hoh boy#the rush of adrenaline when i finally beat godfrey and my boyfriend was so hapoy for me too it was honestly super fucking adorable#personal
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Bonus 8: How met your mother (CSSR design by @qourmet!)
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#cangse sanren#wei changze#jiang fengmian#It was important to me that WCZ had the hereditary mole. I will die on this hill.#I have been *waiting* for the day to finally arrive when I could finally make this comic. It's been marinating for months.#My mission is to redraw all of qour's character designs one day. They are just *that* good.#CSSR has the vibes of a wandering menace who shows up in towns like a stray cat arriving at a new doorstep for treats. 10/10.#While YZY strongly leads us to believe that JFM was in love with CSSR and that's his whole motivation behind taking wwx in-#-I do think this is (once again) rumour being presented as reality. It's the juicer story to tell after all.#It is still possible that he did love her! But I think that story undercuts the relationship he also had with WCZ.#Yall ever think about how JC and WWX parallel their fathers? How Wei Changze also left the Jiang Leader's side? I do.#Unlike JC though It is far more hilarious and plausible to imagine JFM begging to be CSSR and WCZ's third. You know he would.#My wild headcanon is that JFM and YZY are in a mlm and wlw arranged marriage situation. Deeply unhappy as partners. Better as friends.#they care for each other and I'll admit that there is a beautiful tragedy in them having romantic feelings for each other the whole time.#But I am also here for the gaffs. Let them be unfulfilled homosexuals together.#Meanwhile cssr and wcz are having incredible hetrosexual sex in a bisexual way that WILL leave him pregnant by the end of it.
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somebody hold me tight my gempearl people we are in the trenches i dont know what's worse the fact that pearl thought that gem and her stil had an unspoken alliance for wild life because they did it for secret life and that’s their thing (they trust each other until the end) but they DON’T or the fact that sl!gem genuinely loved pearl so much that what happened in the finale was a big betrayal for her and it hurt her so much that she feels like she can’t trust pearl now in wild life (and also how she is so bent on making friends and being on the good side of most because, well, she's been betrayed before right?)
gem is already on edge and will lash out at anyone that even tries to take, approach weirdly or do anything to her or joel but pearl doesn’t understand the importance of what they had in secret life held for gem. for gem the bridge of what they had was burnt alongside the sunflower field and it was burnt by pearl. for pearl the bridge was never burnt, it only carries the ashes of the field.
it’s the fact that despite all the bitterness and rage and anger brewing inside her, gem can't help but show a bit of concern when pearl tells her that she's had a rough day.
the layers of miscommunication between them are so many i need them to TALK and FIX this before something else happens.
does NOT help that Pearl’s minor slip up at the end of the cobblestone wall interaction indirectly fuelled more of Gem’s paranoia/scepticism for Impulse + Pearl, because her “well now I don’t know who to try this on, everyone else are allies” meant that she ONLY viewed Gem and Joel as enemies. which. isn’t the case. she just meant people who are neutral to her. because Pearl where did you get allies from you’ve been dying down in the mines and eating your own sword (/lh). but OF COURSE Gem would view that as them being enemies now. hey. you know what this miscommunication reminds me of. this lil minecraft series on youtube called Double-
narratively this is so. this is awesome man. i want to see how this resolves so bad.
#my mind is all over the place rn i have so many thoughts. and not enough words#the parallels between Gem and Scott’s relationship to Pearl are so cool dude. ok. they both actually care at the end of the day.#anon its ok. if they dont get through the divorce then at least it’ll be funny when they play it takes two together/j#and trust me i am hanging on by a thread from Gem’s lil ‘I’m sorry’ after Pearl tells her about her day#they care. but that doesn’t make Pearl’s choice from SL nothing. it still hurts and thats ok#anyway. chat how about some nosy neighbours to alienkeep (Pearl + impulse) parallels- [gets shot]#life series spoilers#wild life spoilers#wild life smp#gempearl#mcyt#asks
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Me: I joke about writing the same McCoy centric story over and over again in different ways
Me: and like. I love doing it and imma keep doing it because it makes me happy.
Me: but also. I do sometimes wonder if it's like. A little Much.
Me: like maybe I should branch out or something
Me: [reads another fundamental and extremely insulting misread of McCoy's character by someone who is clearly making a Choice to cast McCoy as the villain, because they have to get him out of the way of spirk, because they're too???? idk immature??? to realize that even when you're in a relationship with one person, other ppl can and SHOULD still be important to you]
Me: lmao I hope I AM too much actually!!!! I hope it is 100% obnoxious how much I love that doctor!!!!! Time to write more versions of the same story of McCoy being forced to realize that he is loved and cared for!!!!!!
Me: I KNOW MY NICHE AND IMMA DIE IN THAT NICHE, THANKS
#mine#not putting this in the mcc*y/tr*k tags bc i am venting not trying to start 💾🐎 [discourse]#but woof. WOOF. i want you to know that if you hate the doc then sp*ck and k*rk would hate YOU#like seeing someone say they're sp*ck or jim coded and then say flagrantly absurd things about mcc*y.......u are garbage coded actually.#sp*ck and k*rk would literally never#i will never understand how so many ppl can ship mcc*y’s besties and then???? hate on mcc*y?????????#i block LIBERALLY so i have a lot of b*nes haters blocked already tbf#i just stumble across one in the wild sometimes alas#that mindset btw is how that counseling fic came about lmao - we were talking about how if sp*rk dated they'd still drag mcc*y EVERYWHERE#romantic or platonic he is THEIRS just like they're HIS. it's a triumvir*te my guy#any two of them hook up they're still making the third stay at their side 24/7 lolllllll#how can you claim to love sp*ck and k*rk and so fundamentally misunderstand them and their relationship with b*nes#genuinely tragique#you are missing out on so much fun#we are not watching the same show lmao <3 leave my doctor alone <3 leave his bfs alone too <3#me: i should let things go / sp*ck: have you instead considered being a petty bitch / me: what / sp*ck: they can get fucked and die mad 🖖#me: ur so right sp*ck / sp*ck: i usually am#guess who literally just found out that if the word is contained w/in a longer tag it now shows up if you search that word!!!!!#that change very well may not be recent but i just found out!!!! anyway. asterisks added.#i give up. tumblr keeps putting this in the fucjing tags. hellsite (full of hatred)#eta: didn't think to make this non-rebloggable earlier but now it is lmao. it's just a vent post y'all <3
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no for real where did gucci get that leash
#where did she get that………#if this is revealed don’t tell me i am having fun in my mind palace rn#most insane option: she commissioned brnine and got fleeced bc the audacity and they’re still mad anyway but they still did it bc it’s gucc#my favorite: she thought about doing that but the thought of explaining it to their face made her feel too embarrassed and stubborn so she#went to like mustard red (who still has connects) or something#just just so fun to think about. gucci what’s your problem ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️#girls who would be so bored in a normal relationship to be honest#^ which her dust au one definitely was to me. her normie civilian wife who does not challenge her at all which she definitely doesn’t miss#wild time to quote mabel but love is a leash that pulls both ways…#chats
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Maybe I’ll finally Wanze post soon
#as in a more official lore post like holt awol and sonderbar got#ALSO IM SO SO SORRY I STILL AM GONNA ANSWER THOSE INBOX ASKS J SWEAR#Wanze is on the mind there is bugs in my brain!!! wow just like holt huh#their relationship is wild to me they go from barely knowing each other (occasional hallway acquaintances)#to Wanze essentially having the equivalent of a bag of bricks dropped onto her head#which needs a little or a lot of patching up and Holt does that for her#actually hmmm I wonder if I should more visibly leave some marks of The Oopsie on her face#apart from the permanently broken biores crystals#gotta think on that…#anyway I was especially Thinkin about how Wanze really does resent Holt for a while#it’s complicated it’s not completely Holt’s fault#like she can’t control what happened she can’t bring back her bioresonance she’s a medical eule not a miracle worker#she’ll never really understand what it felt like to be part of that mind link#and that leads to some insensitivity on Holt’s part bc she’s really trying to keep Wanze from decommission here#and Wanze! why are you moping you gotta act normal!! Come on Wanze!#neither of them really get each other bc they’re both not stopping and listening like they need to#but they eventually do#also fun Wanze fact but post head trauma fixup she still has to/wants to go to the kolibri library#for stabilization yknow (she’s a nerdddd <3)#however it’s weird and she hates it bc her fellow kolibris are there.#she does not sing the same song anymore and sticks out like a sore thumb when they’re together now :(#she goes at really weird hours when no one else is there to make sure she doesn’t have to see them#Holt sometimes is able to get ahold of books for her#consider them cuddling together reading#that is all#blorbo tag#wanze#holt#Kolibug
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i love my sister and for the most part, we are very close and genuinely like each other a lot but the one place where i'd just really, really, really like to see inside her brain is the part where she is still incredibly comfortable and cheerful—and even thinks it's really funny—talking about how much she didn't like me as a child while I'm like. yes. I am and was aware. and it sucked so so so much
#we had a really wild moment over dinner last week where she actually acknowledged#EXPLICITLY with her OWN WORDS#that things like our brother dying right when i was going into my senior yr of high school#and covid lockdown starting right when i'd graduated college + moved to a new city where i knew no one except her + was applying/auditionin#for jobs#were harder on me than one her in some unique ways#and i was literally like . is. is this a test? am i supposed to deny it?#bc like when our brother died she told me i was a selfish brat (for not grieving the way she did)#and during covid she told me (right after i got laid off) that she had ''way more reasons to be depressed'' than i did#personal#anyway she was laughing so much as she said this (abt not liking me) and i was just staring at her nodding slightly like#yeah. i know. i know you didn't like me#do YOU know how much it sucks to know that your older sister--whom you idolize--who you *desperately* want to like you--#not only doesn't like you at all#but even up into high school/college#would talk about how she couldn't wait till our LITTLE (five year old) cousins were old enough to hang because they'd be so much fun#and know that she had absolutely never thought or said that about you#do you perhaps! think that might still have ramifications on our relationship to this day#if your little sister spent 20+ years knowing that your love was conditional on them being the person you wanted her to be#like. do u???#(the answer is no of course but#i remain boggled by the fact that this eludes her considering she is! in fact! a really smart person!)#it's also like when i was first offered my current job#and our now bosses asked both of us like ''are you worried at all about working with your sister?''#and she laughed like lol no of course not?#while i was like ''honestly yes.'' adskjfglkjasds#very different perspectives sometimes
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there comes a beautiful time in life where i have to ask myselg th question, "did i accidentally project too hard onto the character that i only relate to a little bit and in doing so hugely missed this one entire aspect/interpretation of the characters . am i stupid"
#ARE THEY STUPID!#dr who#this is about ten specifically his relationship w martha lmao#m being so serious i genuinely did not. see the 'ten was on purpose leading martha on to make her think her feelings were requited' angle#until going out into the wild and reading the tumblr posts. like i genuinely did not. at ALLLLLL. its like a brick hitting my head#bc the ENTIRE time s3 ten came off to me as 'doing stuff w no romantic intent behind it but would consistently get misinterpreted as such'#cuz IIIIIIIII have done this. IIIIIIII have run into this problem before. and it sucks so incredibly bad.#i actually do want to think my og interpretation still holds water cuz like. well i could gather all the evidence but#first one that comes 2 mind would be him going 'it's like when you fancy someone + they dont know you exist' to martha. in episode TWELVE#two routes; either ten is needlessly cruel and callous even after a season's worth of building up trust and friendship w her#or he is on super 'i dont think she has feelings for me and this is a very unhappy coincidence of a line' cocaine#Or the 'she fancied me' line in s4 to donna. either he is disregarding all the good and positive impact she did him. or the fact that this#went over his head the whole time made him look back on that time w discomfort <- I DID THIS. I MIGHT HAVE BEEN PROJECTING#THIS ONTO HIM. AM I STUPID.?.?????#you know how mikage rgu can either be read as an incel or a gay man lost so completely in the sauce#ten is like in this same ballpark. i think. of 'emotionally manipulative and disrespects women' or 'aroacespec and missed the cues'#funniest possible options to pick from. ten my brother how did you set yourself up like this#absolutely not denying that he was toxic and unhealthy during s3 in like 500 ways btw. but well. ths is the one concwpt that#flew over my head. so completely. and i can kind of see it now but i also still find it hard to incorporate into my belief system#bc its like. brother I'M aroace and missed the cues too lol#tangential note we can trace many problems down to a writer's room filled w white people not giving#martha's character the respect/agency she deserves for the existing narrative she has. bc they pulled this w mickey too both in series 1+2#if they wanted to portray ten as manipulative then him and martha should've been given more screentime#together where martha (or anyone else) calls him the FUCK out on this. and ten would need to suffer narrative consequences of doing smth#as fucked up as that rather than his happy stable dynamic he has w donna. if they wanted to portray him as oblivious then marthas character#shouldn't have constantly been boiled down to an unrequited crush (particularly her dialogue in the s3 finale - there's a LOT more reasons#why she would choose to leave/why their dynamic was unhealthy besides ten not returning her feelings)#if you read all these tags you may be entitled 2 financial compensation#ten and martha#aspec doc tag
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#i might be moving in with my girlfriend soon and i am scared lol#i just did not think this is something that would be happening this soon#i assumed itd be a few years because she just bought a house with some friends and i was oh okay im clearly not gonna be involved with that#which i was totally okay with and had absolutely no problems with#but apparently it was assumed I'd eventually move in and they always planned for four people to be in the house#and that was before I even met them and we realized that we actually get along pretty well#it's so weird but in a good way#i just feel like my life is clicking and falling into place#but it's still so scary and im nervous as fuck about it#im scared of not living at home because ive never not lived at home#im scared that living together might make us hate each other and end our relationship#im just scared of the change in general#but we will see what happens#plus we've kinda been testing out me being here for an extended amount of time and so far it's been going pretty well#ive had so many major life changes throughout the past two years and the adjusting to it has been a lot#and it's wild to think that a year ago i would have never even imagined that I'd be considering moving in with a person i met on bumble lol#life is weird and a lot but sometimes you meet people who make it worth it#personal
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Some people in fandom are still talking about qprs as Friendship+ or RomanceLite huh
#MAYBE THIS IS ME BEING LIKE. OVERREACTIVE AND SENSITIVE#but malev fandom. Please. Please#it BAFFLES me that a fandom that has ///widely/// accepted and embraced an aro fanon that people still talk about John and Arthur's#relationship in a way that feels. Well. Like That#I think all the clarification people who view them as a qpr make is. Wild. Like aksjqba#'They're a qpr but they kiss and fuck sometimes' y. yeah. Some qprs do that.#the whole POINT of a qpr is that it's Outside of romantic or platonic bounds of relationships. The definition of the qpr is based on t#the people that are in it#I also just. I don't like it when people call them a qpr and then also call them best friends#idk your partner definitely can be your best friend but it feels. It just feels Weird to me.#I am NOT articulating and also this is probably definitely a me problem#but. Yeah???? Idk!!
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Me: I am an adult, and have made excellent strides in processing my prior Issues.
My brain: BITCH U THOUGHT
#the dragoon diaries#like oooooogh I Really have a problem with people liking me romantically huh#like immediately back into the Bad Time#idk why I'm like this but I am#it's not trauma based? I have no trauma around relationships#I just want to have a platonic life partner or date two people already in a romantic relationship so there's no romantic feelings for me#or some sort of structured kink where it's deep feelings but also professional business#so I don't IMMEDIATELY PANIC like a wild ass animal and become crazy and catastrophically emotional#LEG CAUGHT IN TRAP#mfw u want a relationship but when presented with options your immediate desire is to bury yourself in a hole instead#I can pine all I want and hold hands and kiss my friends but God Forbid someone have a crush on me#I will be reasonable for Two Weeks and then it turns out there's still snakes in my brain#anyway I have to do a therapy about it I guess#(work has a free short term therapy program for these very issues!)
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hnggghhggg
#just realized a little too hard that im packing my entire life up into a single suitcse and hitting the road for a month. in a month.#im also turning 24 in a month#both of these things perturb me in some direction or another.#its also 1030pm but i am Vibrating unfortunately#also realized vividly today that ill be attending my college graduation less than 48hrs after landing back in canada#and that will be after 30+ hours in transit coming directly from a 12 hour time difference#so that'll be fun#not really how i imagined graduating when i started my freshman year?#actually dear lord i could not have fathomed Being Here when i was 19 and starying college#i remember hearing about the program im currently doing and thinking 'wow that's incredibly cool but im just not the kind of person#who can do that sort of thing'#i still periodically have moments where i just look around and have to be like Yes I Really Am Here#and yeah turning 24. in a month. that's far too grown up of an age for how i feel inside.#and yeah trvaelljng to 5 vountires in a month again? wild.#didnt think anything could top seeing the great pyramids for out of body wild experiences And Yet. we sure are gonna be going some places.#also being in a serious relationship huh. didnt think this was going to happen until i was 35 if ever.#skmeone needs to tell me why my brain decided to watch wedding dress youtube shorts today with a vague expectation that might be relevant#to my life within a decade.#so yeah all that to say my life feels fucking insane to me.#I Am Not Qualified For This Experience Help#(this is not entirely negative im just ??????)
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