#still trying to figure out design features so am experimenting on them

[passionartx]

Mine and @nixoon-again’s silly lil galexy themed au now has wip concept designs, multiple story and character arcs, symbolism as far as the eye can see….. but we currently have no idea how to put it all into words beyond screaming at eachother :,)

BUT if we ever do then maybe one day it’ll see the light of day 🫶✨

you’d think I would have learned from mine and @myymi’s 28 au’s but even we’re still trying to figure out how to translate screams into sense 😔 when we figure it out tho it’s game over ✨

[cheapshrimpysheep]

Dating in a Dream - Jade Leech

SUMMARY: What would his dream be like, exactly the same as in the original story, but with the small detail that he is dreaming that you two are dating?

CHARACTERS: Jade Leech x Reader🐬🦐

TAGS: Fluff; GN Reader; In a Relationship (kinda); Kiss; Flirting

WARNING: Spoilers from Book 7 and Jade’s dream (Eng Server)

WORD COUNT: 3.390 words

COMMENTS: This was written as a companion piece to the original dream story, so the parts that are the same as the game are just summarized.

I hope you enjoy🐬

Dating in a Dream: Idia / Epel / Rook / Vil / Kalim / Jamil / Floyd / (Jade) / Azul / Jack / ...

“Aether signal tracking successful.” Ortho announces. “We have arrived at the designated coordinates.”

You, Grim, Silver, Sebek, Ortho, Jamil, and Floyd already appeared in the dream underwater and your aerospheres were working well by all indications. After a little chitchat about Silver's signature spell, Sebek and Floyd hear something, and then everything starts to shake like an earthquake.

“Surrounding water temperature rising sharply.” Ortho warns. “Immediate evacuation recommended!”

Floyd shapeshifts into his mer form and takes everyone away from that place quickly. You managed to came out unharmed from an submarine volcano eruption thanks to him.

After talking about how dangerous submarine volcanoes are, not only because of the temperature but also because of the toxic gases, you all decide to go look for Jade. Floyd asked if Idia couldn't give you all a mer-form too, but Idia explained that he didn't have data to do it and that, unlike him, you had no experience in swimming with mer-folk tails. Floyd understands because it took him a while to learn to walk on two legs so he assumed it would be something similar.

But before you set off in search of Jade, Floyd changes his appearance a bit and starts to glow in the dark. He says it's called counter-illumination and explains how it actually works as camouflage in deep, dark places like that.

You searched a lot without success and with your vision and smell limited by the gases. Until Ortho detects an aether signal 20 meters ahead.

“Look at this hydrothermal vent! Though it's spewing hot water nonstop, you can see it's actually home to a colony of shellfish if you look closely!” Jade says smiling. “How do they survive in a place like this? I'd be boiled alive in an instant.”

“If I might remind you, Jade, we're not searching for shellfish worth less than a sorcent.” Azul says. “We're looking for precious metals that settle in hydrothermal deposits.”

“I'm aware, Azul.” You see the dreamer's silver bird around Jade's head. “But it's still nice to take a moment to enjoy the mountain scenery.”

“Yup, that's Jade and Azul, all right.” Floyd confirms.

Azul talks about them looking for very valuable gold and him wanting to become a leading figure in the mining industry. And Jade seems to be enjoying following him.

Jamil says he thinks that Azul is just like the real one, but Idia and Floyd, who know him better, say there's something strange about him. Floyd even says he doubts that Azul would voluntarily go near a volcano.

The fake Azul sees something shining in a vent, he pluged up the vent for a moment with ice magic to then try to scoop up the gold while the flow's stopped. He puts his hand inside and reach for the shiny thing hoping it's gold, but the water redirected and erupt from another vent, right at him, which made Jade start laughing. The fake Azul didn't seem to mind having his arm a bit boiled to get the gold.

And suddenly, both the way Azul spoke and his facial features changed.

“So, uh...” Idia says through tablet. “Am I the only guy thinking Azul's acting like a sketch comedy actor here?”

Floyd and Idia (and maybe you too) are the only ones who really notice the differences between that exaggerated version of Azul and the real one.

Ortho mentions that there is an NPC version of Azul, but he is not seeing any NPC version of Floyd anywhere.

“Ah! Right near where Azul found the gold dust...” Jade says. “There's a school of small shrimp living in a rock fissure that's venting hot water! Floyd! Come over here and have a look.”

The NPC version of Floyd appears, but with facial features way oversimplified.

“It's like Floyd would be if he were drawn in an absurdist comedy manga...” Idia comments.

“Look at these tiny shrimp, living in such a harsh environment.” Jade continues telling NPC Floyd.

“Ooh you're right! They look delish! Eheheh!” NPC Floyd says in a more childish voice than normal. “Ahaha, lookit how cute and teeny they are! I could eat 'em right up!”

“My, my. What a bold gourmand you are, Floyd.” Jade comments with a mocking smile.

The fake Floyd grebes the shrimp and eats them. Idia comments that that Floyd is scary in a whole different way from the real one, and Floyd says that he's nothing like that, that Jade is the one who eats random stuff he finds on the ground in the mountains, not him.

“Heh heh heh. What fun Azul and Floyd are having.” Jade says amusedly. “I just love the mountains.”

“KYAAA! Poor little shrimps!” An abnormally cute voice says. “Floyd is so scary!”

A new NPC appears: You! Or rather, you in mer-form with a tail like a shrimp's, and you see your NPC quickly swimming up to Jade to hug his arm like a scared child.

“Don't let him bite me, Jade~” Your NPC begs cutely with a tear in the corner of their eye. And your face was also different from your real face, the eyes seemed bigger and brighter, but in a way that was almost pitiful.

“Fu fu fu. Worry not, my dear. You're the only little shrimp I would never let him nibble on.” Jade says, as he intertwines his tail with your NPC's.

“T-That (Y/N)...” Idia says. “C-could it be...?”

“Jade~” Your NPC continues to say, without letting go of Jade's arm and happy that he intertwined their tails. “You'll always protect me, won't you?”

“Of course, my love. You can always depend on me for whatever you need.”

“You make me so happy, Jade! I love you so much!” Your NPC smiles like a ray of sunshine.

“I love you too, my dear.” Jade responds with a cute smile and kiss your NPC's forehead.

But your NPC doesn't seem pleased and tilts their head a certain way. Jade chuckles and kisses their cheek affectionately, which makes your NPC finally smile in satisfaction.

“AH! IT IS! IT IS!” Idea continues suddenly.

“What? What is it?” Silver asks.

“(Y/N)'s NPC in Jade's dream is... is... A CLINGY, DEPENDENT DEREDERE!!!”

“Hm... Sorry, but what is a dere..dere?” Silver asks.

“An openly love-struck character who is continuously sweet, flirtatious and affectionate towards their love interest.” Ortho clarifies. “And it seems that (Y/N) and Jade Leech are each other's romantic interests in this dream.”

Everyone is surprised to find out that Jade has a crush on you. As for Floyd, he simply has no reaction.

“I assume you already knew, Floyd Leech.” Ortho says.

“Kinda. I mean, I wasn't sure, but I think it explains some things.”

“Like what?”

“Huh... Ortho, maybe we'll leave that to them.” Idia suggests and the subject returns to observing Jade and the NPCs.

“I was worried about what to do after climbing every single mountain on land...” Jade says. “But the ocean's far vaster, with a great many unexplored submarine volcanoes.”

“I'll never give up before I strike gold!” NPC Azul says.

“Ooh, ooh, Jade! These crabs are pretty tasty, too! Eheheh!” NPC Floyd says.

“Aw, these corals are so beautiful. Jade~, can we pick them? Pretty please~” Your NPC says.

“Heheheh. I'm delighted you're all enjoying yourselves.” Jade smiles. “May the four of us overcome every obstacle and conquer every mountain!”

“Hip hip, hooray!” Jade and the NPCs celebrate together.

“AAAUGH, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!” Floyd shouts and charges them right in!

Sebek asks if you should join him, but Jamil says that you are at a disadvantage underwater and it could be dangerous for you all, so it's best to wait for a better opportunity.

“Hey... Jade.” The real Floyd confronts him. “Knock it off with this creepy dream. You're givin' me scale-bumps from gills to tail!”

“Huh? There are two Floyds?”

“Why, it's a perfect mirror image!” NPC Azul claims.

“How'm I a perfect mirror image of THAT? We don't look nothin' alike.” The real Floyd says.

“Who's this guy? It cool if I squeeze 'em and eat 'em? Ahaha!” The fake Floyd says.

“I knew you never paid much attention to other people, but I ain't buyin' this is the best your memory can dredge up.” The real Floyd returns to the subject. “There's no way I'd act all gleeful gobblin' up live shrimp wedged under rocks!”

“Floyd...?” Jade's dream world begins to distort. “You don't eat live shrimp...?”

“Don't let him fool you, Jade!” Fake Azul intervenes. “Look closer. Floyd isn't some menacing-looking gangster. He's more simpleminded and charming than that. Look at this endearing smile!”

“Hey, Jade? I'm bored.” Fake Floyd says. “Wanna ditch this guy and go eat crab somewhere else? Ahaha!”

“Yes... Right.” Jade agrees. “Floyd's always been the endearing type. Our relatives loved doting on him. This has to be the real Floyd.”

“Really, now. How could you ever mix up who your one brother is? Are you getting fatigued? Given your exhaustive knowledge of the mountains, you're essential for my gold search. Please, pull yourself together.”

“Heheheh... Of course. You, Floyd and (Y/N) would be helpless without me.”

The goopy darkness surrounds you and the figures of Azul, Floyd and you become dark silhouettes.

“Come, Jade, let's ignore them and move on.” Darkness Azul says.

“C'mon already, Jade!” Darkness Floyd adds.

“Please, come with me, my love.” Your darkness figure seduces him.

“Yes... Of... course...”

“Oh, is that how it's gonna be?” The real Floyd says. “In that case, you can keep pallin' around with your ‘real’ brother in dreamland. I don't want a brother like that anyway. I'mma knock ALLA you into the volcano!”

The real Floyd attacks all three NPCs including yours, and all three beg Jade for help.

“How dare you hurt them.” Jade defends them. “You will pay dearly for this, impostor. HAAAH!” and he attacks the real Floyd.

“I keep tryin' to tell you, I'M the real one!”

Floyd asks Idia if a good shock to the system wasn't supposed to wake someone up, but Idia realizes that in that case the pattern is different. In this case, Jade had extraordinarily high belief in himself to the point to refusing to budge in his opinion no matter what counterpoints others make.

You all wonder how you're supposed to wake Jade up, but Floyd suggests that you let him sleep forever since he liked that dream so much. He turns back to Jade.

“I'll cut you into chum so you never wake up again, Jade! GYAHAHAHAHAHA!”

“All of you, get back! I'll handle this!”

“Please, be careful, Jade~!” Your NPC tells him.

“He will pay for even daring to touch you, (Y/N).” Jade tells them before attacking Floyd. “*screech!*”

The Leech twins began to fight, attacking each other violently with their sharp nails and teeth, and their fight ends up whipping the water into a whirlpool.

“Their roughhousing is destroying the fragile vents and sending hot water spewing out all over the place.” Jamil says.

All of you take shelter behind a boulder. Even the darkness NPCs are scared and hiding behind rocks. However, the boulder you were holding onto breaks and you are pulled into the whirlpool.

“(Y/N)!” Everyone shouts.

You scream and both Floyd and Jade hear you, making them pause the fight.

“(Y/N)?” Jade looks back, but his vision was limited by all the sand and smoke.

Your aerosphere bursts because it can't resist the heat and gases. Amidst the sand and smoke, Jade sees your silhouette with legs instead of a merfolk tail.

“(Y/N)!!!”

Jade abandons the fight with Floyd completely and rushes towards you. He gets you and sees you holding your breath.

“Did you not take your last dose of the potion? Doesn't matter! I have to get you out of here NOW!”

Jade quickly takes you away from the heat and toxic gases and consequently away from everyone else too. When he thought you were in a safe place, he used his magic to create a bubble around your head. You take a deep breath.

“(Y/N), are you all right?” He asks you calmly with his arms around you in a protective and loving way. “What happened?”

This is your chance to tell him the truth and try to wake him up.

“Jade, listen to me.” You cup his face with your hands. “Would the Azul you know really risk so much for a measly bit of gold?”

“What?” He is surprised that you seemingly completely change the subject.

“And Floyd, your own brother.” You continue. “Between the one who depends on you and the one who attacked you tooth and nail, do you really believe that your twin is the docile idiot one?”

“Floyd...? He... Hrk!”

The world distorts again and Jade's head starts to hurt, but he doesn't let go of you.

“JAAADEEE!” You hear a voice approaching, and then you see... you in mer-form arriving and clinging to Jade's arm. “Jade! What are you doing?” Your NPC whines. “That's not me! I'm right here.”

Jade looks between you and your NPC, confused.

“Is this how you see me?” You say. “Like a helpless and dependent weakling?”

“Wha- Why are they so mean?” Your NPC whines again. “Jade, darling, please leave this impostor and come back with me, my love. I need you so much.”

“You are a kind person.” Jade tells your NPC. “And your lack of magic makes you more vulnerable than me. But you are not that hopeless.” He looks at them with that rare serious face, a bad sign for them.

“WHAT?”

“If you were, you would never have been able to defeat us and Azul that midterms... Urgh!” The world distorts again. “Midterms... At Night Raven College... on land... Augh, I have a splitting headache! Urgh, augh...!”

Jade remembers what you're really like, what Azul and Floyd are really like too, and what you've all been through in Night Raven College. And the dream breaks.

“Jade! Are you all right?!” NPC Azul says, arriving with NPC Floyd. “Oh, thank goodness you're alive! I was afraid I lost my precious subordinate!”

“Your... precious subordinate?” Jade repeats, surprised.

“If we lost you, I'd cry, Jade.” NPC Floyd says. “Don't go anywhere again, 'kay?”

“...Don't go anywhere?... Indeed... The Azul and Floyd I know would never say such things. How could I have forgotten something so important?” He releases you and makes your NPC release him too. “Floyd is never so docile. He's far more unruly. And Azul would never willingly expose himself to danger. He's send someone else to do it instead. More to the point - neither of them would merrily tag along on my mountain expeditions. What was I thinking?”

“Jade! You would believe this imposter over us?!” NPC Azul inquires.

“Unfair! You said I was the real one, Jade!” NPC Floyd complains.

“I implore you to reconsider!”

The fake Azul and Floyd each grab one of Jade's arms.

“Could you please not touch me? It's sickening.”

Jade attacks both of them without mercy and the two turn into darkness figures and disappear in the goop. Jade looks seriously at your mer-form version.

“And you...”

“ME? Jade, my love” Your NPC begs in tears. “Please, stay with me. *sniff* You are my everything.”

“Do me a favor, dear, and shut your mouth. Your despair disgusts me.” And he attacks the fake version of you as ruthlessly as he attacked the false Azul and Floyd.

“But... my... love...” Were the last words of your NPC, before also turning into darkness and disappearing.

Jade looks at you and his expression softens.

“You... you are the real (Y/N), aren’t you?”

“After seeing what you did to the others, do you really think that I would deny it even if I wasn't?”

“He he he. Sounds like you, at least.”

“Heeey, Jade.” The real Floyd approaches you two. “You finally awake?”

“Yes, thanks to (Y/N) and you.”

The two laugh a little before attacking each other again. But this time, as brothers would do in a fight at home. The others finally catch up to you too.

“(Y/N)!” Grim goes straight to you to hug you. “You need to get stronger!” He complains with a few small tears in his eyes. It even reminded you of when he finally rejoined you in STYX.

Idia takes the opportunity to restore your aerosphere.

“Ah, everyone,” Jade says to your group, after another exchange of punches and words with Floyd. “What an embarrassing brotherly squabble you've witnessed. I'm terribly sorry you had to see that.”

“Dude, that wasn't a 'squabble.'” Idia says through the tablet. “That was a full-blown super kaiju brothers brawl.”

“Um... Anyway, I'm glad Jade's awake and the two of them mended bridges.” Silver says.

“You call that mending bridges...?” Jamil questions.

“Heh heh. Yes, we've made up.” Jade smiles reassuringly. “My apologies for giving you cause for concern.”

“Tch. Speak for yourself. I ain't satisfied yet, but we're not gonna get anywhere arguin' about it in a dream, se whatevs.”

“A dream? Floyd, what do you mean by that?”

“Mind if I field this one?” Ortho asks. “I've got an explainer video here that will help...”

“I see... What a fascinating tale.” Jade says. “So the false Azul, Floyd and (Y/N) were there to keep me anchored in the dream. Neither Azul or Floyd have ever shown any interest in my hobbies, and yet they joined me to trek through a multitude of mountains... And (Y/N)...” He looks at you and then back at the rest of the group. “Excuse me, could you give us a moment alone, please?”

The others look at you to see if you also want to have that moment alone with Jade and when they see your confirmation they let Jade take you by the hand a little further away.

“If my brother felt the way he did when he saw the Floyd from my dream,” Jade smiles kind of awkwardly. “I can only imagine how you must have felt when you saw your version.”

“So... is it true that that means you like me?” You ask.

“Well, thinking how pleasurable my dream with you was... It seems like I cannot deny my fondness for you anymore.”

“Anymore?”

“Oh, don't mind that part.” He smiles with his hands clasped in front of him. “I can only hope you weren't too uncomfortable with what you witnessed. My deepest apologies.”

You remember the dependent, loving fool you saw.

“Do you really like me, or that version of me?”

“You saw the Azul and Floyd versions. Do you really think I preferred those two poor unfortunate souls to the real ambitious and unpredictable ones? Oh my, you don't believe that my tastes are that... rudimentary, do you?”

In fact, you had already seen several dreams, and Malleus’ spell does not always fit with what the dreamer true wishes. Floyd's own dream, for example.

Well, you finding out, against his will, that he likes you, maybe it would be a good opportunity for you to admit that you like him too.

“Oh...” Jade's smile turns from his polite one to a smirk. “Truly...?” He still had his counter-illumination active, so him getting closer to you with that bright eye in the middle of the darkness gave you a nice, different type of chill. “You know,” He swims around you, “I agree with my brother that happy endings are often quite dull.” to stop in front of you again, but now with his tail blocking any escape you could make. “But in this case.” He tilts your head with his fingers on your chin. “Something tells me this relationship would be more... interesting... after these confessions.” He brings his face closer to yours and consequently his lips closer to yours as well. “I wonder what it would be like if we both stopped holding back.” He whispers with your noses touching slightly. “What do you say?”

He's not going to kiss you, he's teasing you to do it. And if you do kiss his lips, you'll feel his tail wrap around your legs, his arms go around your back, and you will feel him deepening the kiss before suddenly breaking it.

“Don't get me wrong, my dear.” He whispers to you. “But unfortunately, we have people waiting for us and I wouldn't like to be interrupted by third parties. Which is a shame,” He brings his lips close to your ear. “You are a delightful taste.”

If you would like to read more from me, you can find it in my pinned post: INDEX

[anogete]

Hi. Update of random shit in case anyone cares.

The scary test I was stressed over in the fall when I was posting my last fic? It was the CFP (Certified Financial Planner) exam. Yes, I passed it. The designation requires a bachelor's degree, so I had to go back to school to finish my last 10 classes. Then I had to take 7 more classes that are pre-reqs for the exam. Then I spent probably 700 hours attempting to cram everything you could think of related to personal finance (my god, there is a metric shit ton) into my head. The designation also requires 5,000 hours of experience in the planning field (which I thankfully already had). By the time I passed the test, I was no longer proud of the accomplishment, just relieved to have it behind me.

Work was intensely busy in November and December. I got little reading and no writing done.

I have a WIP featuring the Darcy/Rumlow pairing that has been languishing on my computer since 2020. To be honest, I've mosty forgotten what the conflict driving the plot was going to be. I think I was trying to tie it into the events of Wandavision. Took place after the show and had Monica Rambeau and Darcy kinda sorta working together and trying to figure out what, if anything, crossing the barrier that Wanda had thrown up did to them. Of course, Rumlow is alive and scarred and back with the good guys. And also really annoyed that his recent gunshot wound stuck him on desk duty watching the nerds complete their physicals as part of employee onboarding. Darcy doesn't want to have gym class with Rumlow, and Rumlow doesn't want to be there either but he's also kinda into the sassy brunette who tried to sweet talk him into passing her without making her run a mile. In the chapter or two I did write, the banter between Darcy and Rumlow was so fun, so I'd love to go back to it and try to move it along.

I got sucked into reading Draco/Hermione fanfic recently. Blame those damn Snow edits from the latest Hunger Games movie. Guys, I have never read those books or seen the movies, but blonde Tom Blyth is looking like the fanfic Draco of my dreams. How dare. This rabbit hole led to me deciding I needed to write a Dramione piece. It's maybe 6 pages and has gone nowhere even though I have a vague idea of the plot. My muse is struggling.

I found my old folder of all the fic I wrote in the past 20 years. There are still a couple hockey fics I haven't posted to AO3. There are also Anita Blake fics (I was a hardcore Anita/Edward girlie) and Harry Potter fics (don't cancel me but I used to write Snape/Hermione; NO student/teacher stuff though). I think I have an old Doctor Who fic featuring Nine/Rose (yes, I'm a Nine girlie). And a very old Forgotten Realms fic that paired Catti-Brie up with Jarlaxle. Look, I don't know. It was ages ago. With the exception of the hockey fics, I do not think any of these are of the same quality I've posted on AO3, but I've been toying with the idea of trying to clean them up and posting them so more of my work is archived together instead of spread over various fan sites. Does anyone have any interest at all in reading this shit? Like, at all?

I decided 2024 is going to be my book binding era. I bound isthisselfcare's Draco Malfoy and the Mortifying Ordeal of Being in Love a couple weeks ago. I did all the typesetting with the help of some macros. Printed it, folded the signatures (the booklets that comprise the book), sewed them together with waxed linen thread, glued the text block together with some mull, and used chip board and book cloth to make the case. It feels and looks like a book, y'all! I could do a better job with lining the signatures up when punching the holes for sewing and with the measurements on the case, but overall I am pretty proud of it. If anyone is interested, I can link a nice tutorial series on TT and/or post progress pictures I took during my book binding experiment. I have to say, it's exciting to have the ability to put my fav fanfics on my physical bookshelf.

[iholli]

Tell me about your Blitzrat! 🫵

Who represents the sun and who represents the moon in your relationship? Elaborate, if you like.

In a play fight, who is winning? You or f/o

What is your favourite physical feature of your f/o? What’s their favourite for you

Who is the mischief maker? Are you both? Neither? Is one trying to dissuade the other? Encouraging?

Who is more protective of the other? You or f/o? Equal?

Gush about your ship lore! Gush about f/o! Gush about s/i! It’s a free pass :)

OKAY 💖 YAY 💖

💜 Who represents the sun and who represents the moon in your relationship? Elaborate, if you like.

ooo, this is an interesting one !! I feel like they could both be moon honestly (I know I am) but RTE is more of a dawn / dusk sun and Blitz is moon phases, I think :] idk how to elaborate, it just has the correct vibe. 💖

💜 In a play fight, who is winning? You or f/o

Blitzwing, and fairly easily-- RTE is a very tough opponent but not in close combat unless they fight for real. Blitz prefers hands on fighting and his experience with it means he'll win a play fight! that won't stop RTE from fighting dirty if they get annoyed about losing tho lmao

💜 What is your favourite physical feature of your f/o? What’s their favourite for you

at risk of being predictable and cliche, RTE loves Blitzwing's faceplates. even though he didn't always have that tangible display of emotions, RTE adores their conjunx's faces, especially when they know how to get unexpected reactions from him!

they also love his unique Decepticon insignia, and the design on his wings 💖

Blitzwing would have to say RTE's audials-- they're very cute and extremely expressive, and he's learned that they will say how RTE really feels even if their faceplate indicates otherwise! plus, they're a little velvety on the inside. and RTE loves getting scritches behind them. Blitzy can melt his rat into a puddle instantly no matter what!

he also likes their servos (I know. lmao). beeg pawbs (which they use to carry him around very easily. stronk rat) :] and their real maw. hehe

💜 Who is the mischief maker? Are you both? Neither? Is one trying to dissuade the other? Encouraging?

BOTH HEHE 💖 RTE makes Blitzwing's already very prominent tendency for mischief so much worse, and RTE needs no encouragement to join in shenanigans either! pranking bots, sneaking out of work, blowing stuff up, oh man, they are in it together every step of the way.

💜 Who is more protective of the other? You or f/o? Equal?

they're both extremely protective. RTE does literally sleep on top of Blitzwing as a protection thing though so. RTE maybe slightly more. but both of them Won't Hesitate, Glitch.

💜 Gush about your ship lore! Gush about f/o! Gush about s/i! It’s a free pass :)

OUUUUGHGHGHHHH WHERE DO I STARTTTTTTTTT OMG. I am so full of love for my beloved my conjunx my Blitzy waaahhhhhh. and RTE might be my favorite s/i they're just so cool and fun and thinking of them makes me happy !!! and they're soooooo cute together and they bring me so much joy 😭💖💖💖 I love that like. I still have not figured out their entire conjunxing process. bc they fit so naturally into that, they've literally just been married forever, I have no lore for that it's just how they spawned into existence !!!

my current favorite thing is thinking about one coming home to the other after being away for a mission,,, they both hate being apart but handle it differently !!! Blitzwing gets so sad and distracts himself by being a MENACE. he won't do SHIT but cause trouble and basically has to be confined to quarters where he just kind of waits miserably for his rat to get home. I'm talking Sad Random miserable. laying in the nest scrolling a datapad looking like the most pathetic wet rat of a mech you've ever seen. RTE comes in and he perks up like the damn sun came out and RTE lays on him until he feels better (aka starts bitching about how long they were gone, it was forever, he COUNTED).

RTE on the other hand fucking passes out unless someone keeps them occupied. like they're just laying there becoming one with their hoard of pillows like the lonely little rat they are until they just shut down completely. but as soon as Blitzy gets home they're awake and demanding cuddles !!! attention now !!!!!!! they'll fucking lick him about it and everything. rat instinct says get groomed, idiot. no you can't get up I am not done gET BACK IN THE NEST RIGHT NOW ICYHOT

oh yeah, RTE obsessively hoards the equivalent of pillows. they have a very soft nest. none of that cold metal recharge slab stuff. the raticon is very easy to gift shop for!

💖 divider

[dballzposting]

OK so long story short the other day I was abusing the computers at my job to look up dragon ball characters and I came across THIS IMAGE of GOTEN that I found out was from DRAGON BALL AF which is a fan-made thing and idk . Dont worry about the details.

I thought it was soooo cool like put my chin in my hands and sigh lovingly. But also it was more of a rant-and-rave kind of adoration. Becasue I couodt beleieve how cool it was. Becasue here is why

Im super bad at deisgns or redesigns and sometimes I have epic ideas but if I don't then I don't. I think it would be stellar if we had a design for Goten & Trunks when they're older than GT and running the sword dojo. And I've tried to cook some up. But it vexes me for two reasons. First of all Dragon Ball deisgns when colored are gaudy and stupid looking. But also sometimes they use neutral colors. And they're eccentric and unique. And I try to mix all of these factors and the result Does Not Work. Becasue despite the plentiful love that I have for colors, I Do Not Understand Color Theory. Definitely not enough to push it to its limits like dragon ball does. My second problem is the actual clothes themselves. There is something wrong with me that makes it so that i eschew research like my life depends on it. I'm sure it's totally possible to gather a minimal understanding of what sorts of clothing / eras / disciplines certain dragon ball styles are based on, and to cross-reference that with what is actually depicted in dragonball, and come up with an outfit that gels. But I cannot do that. So yeah

This outfit featured here is so familiar yet unique enough to turn my head a bit. For an example. The yellow above his shoes. What is that. Don't answer that. I'm in love either way

THEY JUST ... PICKED TWO COLORS? That's it? THAT'S ALLOWED ????? Just TWO COLORS and only ONE of them isn't a dead-tone-neutral-non-color. Well I guess it's four colors, and still, only one (yellow) isn't a non-color (grey and white and black). I'M SO IMPRESSED !?!??!?!!??

The only idea that I had for post-GT Goten was FOR SOME REASON the visual flair of something long and sharply flowing off of him. Like a scarf, or a long sash, or a Dr Drakken style rattail. But I can't do all three. Becasue that's too much. But I like all three. So IDK what to do.

YEAH THEY WENT ON AHEAD AND GAVE HIM THIS SASH ON HIS HEAD. Sure. Go on ahead. Throw it on there. Looks good. Good contrast against his black hair. Makes it to you can draw his eyebrows over it and so he can emote clearly. SO GENIUS. So simple. I'm gobsmacked

HE'S COLORED LIKE A BUMBLE BEE ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!??!?!

My conclusion is that this is the best non-canon design of adult Goten that has ever been and we should all adopt it immediately from Dragon Ball AF. I am so stunned and impressed by the fact that he is wearing just grey and yellow. I have tried to break down all of Goten's canon outfits to find a pattern in the color schemes but I could not find one. But I can tell when it works for him or not and I don't understand how or why. I have at various points tried to design new outfits for him. I have experimented with yellow, teal, pink... Never really red because red only appears on two of his outfits in a minor way. More astutely because red is not really Him (like it is for Bura or Videl).

Definitely the most promising color I've found for him is Yellow. It's a sunshine-soulchild color. But I still haven't figured out how to practically incorporate it. For example, is it a predominate color or one of several? I've seen dragon ball outfits go either way. I definitely prefer the former becasue that's how I'm used to seeing it in my silly little western cartoons - every character has a color, don't they? And that's Their color. But this is dragon ball.

If you pull a warm yellow or pair it with orange, you are reminded of kid Goten and his orange gi. If you keep it colder or pair it with green, you get something reminding you of his EOZ "Goten Son" shirt. But what if you want something new? The next step in the evolution of Son Goten, but still unmistakably him? You would want to stay away from yellow and orange, becasue Trunks wears a lot of that himself. What about yellow and not a green bice, but a forest green? What about muddy non-colors? Dragon ball colors tend to be warm-shifted becasue it was the 90s, but you can work within that color range. But exactly HOW? What about yellow and pink? Teal? Aqua?? You can't use lavender (Trunks's color). And to be fair I have experimented with grey before, since he wears grey pants in DBS:SH. But I always tried to find other colors to shoehorn in there because I thought I had to. And what's really left...?

DRAGON BALL AF has the answers.

Yellow and GREY.

....THAT;S IT!!!!!!!!!!!

A mature grey. NO OTHER FLUFF.Just straight up. Yelloew and grey.

And he looks like a bumble bee. I love bumble bees. You love bumble bees. He loves bumble bees. We all love bumble bees.

I will close with a quote:

"Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see." (Arthur Schopenhauer, 1788-1860).

THIS DESIGN IS GENIUS.

Thank You ALL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[goonersaurus]

how long does it take you to create a piece, start to finish? you are an artistic inspiration of mine and i am curious :)

I find myself struggling with drawing footballers in a stylized way instead of using a direct reference… it took me maybe 3-4 hours to do a semi-realistic piece vs 8 hours until i am satisfied with a art piece without direct reference (procreate). part of it perfectionism… i know it’s not a skill i’ll develop overnight but i want to create more freely if you have any tips.

i love your art dearly and i’m always happy to see it on my dash! especially the animated post of rice’s goals vs. real madrid, the color choice is so so cool. 🫶 have a good day

the last drawing of dec took, according to the procreate file, almost 8 hrs. here is my usual process + rough times for a drawing of that size:

1hr: look up the references (for football usually on getty images), draw the thumbnail sketch, choose colours and figure out composition 

1-2 hrs: do a secondary sketch, work out anatomical proportions

1hr: lines. trying to be precise while also dynamic. i think seeing this sketch with the colour sketch, to get a rough look at what the finished piece would look like, is very motivating. (very important as its easy for me to drop a work if im not motivated enough lol)

1-2hrs: colouring (least favourite part)

1-2hrs: details such as the kit designs, the ball, words, the little ornaments (i like this part even less)

then by this point, maybe about 30-60 more minutes would be spent with more tweaks, corrections, staring at the finished product lol

but this time i think i might’ve spent at least 2 hrs doing the animations despite it only being 6 frames in the end. i’m not used to animations but hopefully the more i do in the future the less time it’ll take me. 

also, i tend to waste a lot of time experimenting on the canvas or moving stuff around. i’m also held back by perfectionism, while it is great to hold yourself to high standards, getting bogged down in details seems to be a curse of many artists, so the common advice tends to be to let go of perfectionist proclivities, and trying to do so personally has helped me the past few years with getting progress on a piece. c:

i spend maybe from 0.5-3 hrs each day working on a piece, a lot of procrastination/pep-talking myself on the parts of the process i don’t like. 

these times vary depending on how many characters i’m drawing and the complexity of the composition. in contrast, this drawing of Miles Lewis Skelly took me 1.5 hrs. 

with footy art i also i use references a lot for faces and hair even though i suppose my drawings are very stylized, just to make sure they all look distinct. here are my recommendations for practicing the skill of reducing time on stylized art: 1. experiment with stylizing different facial features and body parts. 2. anchor it with practicing fundamentals such as anatomy proportions, skull construction, rendering 3d shapes, that kinda stuff. 3. exercises and tips on doing the above can be found on youtube. and take continuous inspiration from your favourite artists as well as master illustrators, animators, cartoonists, painters, sculptors, etc. character design references is an example of a solid, organized resource for this. 

thank you for the enormously lovely ask. there are times where i take about the same amount of time on a drawing as you do and i still have so much to learn about drawing >_<not sure of your skill level but i hope some of these tips can be of use to you. the world always needs more footy art so best of luck with drawing those footballers, i really look forward to seeing your drawings if you post them!

[oswlld]

oswlld's monthly wrap up: march

note: i am trying something a bit different this year, so bear with me as i figure out how i want to format this. i wanted to spend more time sharing what i consume, beyond what i rb, and put my thoughts in one place. these posts are okay to rb

--

When We Cease to Understand the World, Benjamín Labatut [started 02/24, finished 03/14] What an outstanding example of blurring the lines between fiction and reality. I am content in never knowing what’s real and imaginary in the lives of these people. May we never forget that for every new idea challenged, there is a real person with real emotions and motivations behind it. 4.25⭐️ in storygraph. — No Stopping Us Now: A History of Older Women in America, Gail Collins [started 03/03, finished 03/30] This book makes some strong points, but comes off weak in its execution. By having it be told decade by decade, it becomes hard to follow along when so many names and events are being tossed around. Without a firm thread tying all the themes together, the achievements ended up feeling lackluster when it should leave you feeling a sense of pride and hopefulness. 3.25⭐️ in storygraph (I rounded up, but it feels more like a 3.15)

23.5 Degrees, GMMTV [started: 03/08, ongoing] What a breath of fresh air!! With my busy schedule, I managed to catch the first two eps and I’ve loved every minute of it. It doesn’t take itself too seriously, while still keeping a tight grip on its sense of identity. The series soaks up every aspect of its space theme like a sponge. Content specifically made for me, tysm! As much as I have tried refraining from consuming more high school settings, I couldn’t help but be enamored by what I have seen so far. I have paused this series for now, but hopefully I’ll be caught up before the end of April. I should be able to watch it live on Fridays in May. Until then, I will miss them dearly! — Always a Witch, Netflix [started 03/28, in progress] At this time, I have only seen episodes 1-5. So far, it’s a very straight-forward series. I am restraining myself from calling it predictable, because there are one or two things that really turns some tropes/themes on its head. But all-in-all, I am still waiting for this show to grab me. For a show that checks all the boxes that really makes a core jessi show, a series with time travel, magical realism, and found family, it has yet to completely sweep me away. Time really got away from me this month, but I will finish this series sometime in the next two weeks. We shall see if the latter half gets better.

Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour (Taylor’s Version) [watched 03/15 thru 03/18] I have seen this live and did see the original film in theaters last year, so this experience was more of a rewatch. This time around, my parents wanted to watch some of it with me so we made a whole evening of it on 3/15 so that was really neat. I will be traveling a lot in April and will be taking an audio copy of this to keep me entertained. — Oscar Nomination Season [started 02/17, ended 03/24] All of my initial reactions of what I managed to cover this Oscar season is in this post. Some of the strongest categories I have had the pleasure of covering this year were the Best Documentary (feature), Best Production Design, Best Live Action Short, Best Documentary (short), and Best Animated Film. I have several more films to tackle later this year, but my overall impression this Oscar season was just alright. One or two films have hit an extremely high note for me, but no worst of the worst.

BEYONCÉ, Beyoncé [relistening] During the pandemic, I really got into waching YT reaction channels reacting to full albums. One of my favorites is HTHaze and he is only beginning his listening journey through Beyoncé’s discography (yes, for the first time!) His reaction to Beyoncé’s self-titled made me want to relisten to it in full for the first time in years. I tend to only revisit a few songs through the years, but I do love going back to albums after time has past to recontextualize everything all over again. I’ve had my longtime faves from my 20’s but in my mid-30’s, the songs that hit harder now are: Pretty Hurts, Haunted, and Jealous. — Bewitched, Laufey [first time listening] The same YT channel got me to listen to this album. I am guilty in having my first listen be through his video first before diving into her album properly. With that said, the brain rot went FULL ROT. I love LOVE her compositions. Having learned from her Tiny Desk that getting a grand piano influenced the way she wrote her songs makes the whole conception so much grander. Her voice is soooo, it’s SOOOOO !!!!!!! I read a comment somewhere that her dream is to rejuvenate jazz the same way Taylor Swift did with country for a younger generation and that really spoke to me. I truly believe she is heading in the right direction in achieving that. My favorite run of songs goes from: Haunted, Must Be Love, While You Were Sleeping, Lovesick, California and Me, Nocturne (Interlude), and Promise. Those seven songs in that succession is so GOOD, ahH! — Once the Musical [relistening] Every spring, I fall into a Once spiral and it just gets deeper and deeper. This time though, I only tackled the core faves on YT rather than committing to the full audio (w/ Arthur Darvill and Joanna Christie). Although Arthur Darvill’s Leave will forever solidify his Guy as my Guy, Declan Bennett is The Guy of Guys for me. My mandatory relistening experience always goes: Arthur’s Leave, Arthur’s Say It To Me Now, Declan’s Say It To Me Now, Declan’s When Your Mind’s Made Up, Zrinka's If You Want Me, Once’s Spotify Jam Session. And it would all be on a loop lol. — Cowboy Carter, Beyoncé [first time listening] This is still fresh in my mind, having only listened to it in its entirety once through. My first impression is that it’s one of her most cohesive albums to date. Having had the first taste of what she would eventually achieve all the way back with Lemonade and The Gift, Cowboy Carter feels like a natural progression in her discography. I don’t have a top songs list to provide at this time, as I would need more time with the album. Fav songs come with time. Although, I did listen to 16 CARRIAGES when it was released several weeks ago and I knew then it would be a spectacular album. What a phenomenal single to lead a phenomenal homecoming.

Where’d You Go Bernadette, written by Maria Semple and narrated by Kathleen Wilhoite [started 03/22, finished 03/29] I… I didn’t like this. And that’s alright. Even if I didn’t like the premise or the characters, I did enjoy the format of the narrative and the narrator (especially her singing!!). But in the end, this was just not meant for me.

—

As it is still March when I am writing this, I wanted to endcap Women’s Month with a special shoutout to two women in my life that have been working with me to improve my overall well-being: Wendy (personal trainer) and Sofia (life coach). I am in a better headspace because of the work and trust they have in me to build a life I want. I cannot wait to see what I am capable of this time next year.

[marcoshassanlevy]

Roberto Lugo remembers working as a doorman in a high-rise building, making $4.35 an hour and eating his lunch at the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art across the street. He never went inside; in fact, he had never been to a museum growing up. He didn’t know for sure, but he thought at the time that there was nothing of interest in there for someone from a Puerto Rican, low-income neighborhood in Philadelphia like him. Several years later, his art was exhibited in that same museum. “Having work in that museum is really important,” he says. “For people like me who think there’s nothing in a museum for them, they can come across something that they can recognize and feel a connection to [it].”

Born and based in Philadelphia, Roberto Lugo is an artist who has made his name as a ceramist, taking up traditions of classic pottery and updating them to immortalize people and moments that he deems worth remembering, with a heavy socio-political bent. Lugo has accomplished so much thus far; he holds a BFA and an MFA, and his work has been featured at prestigious museums across the states and has won noteworthy awards.

Lugo has contributed to Walmart’s The Nuevolution Project—a celebration of visionary Latine creatives through a capsule collection of exclusive, only-at-Walmart “bold, style-forward” products—making his designs available to a wider audience. This has been an opportunity for his work to connect with people from a similar background. “Being Puerto Rican is complicated,” Lugo says. “That means that you’re part African, part indigenous, you have Spanish roots, Portuguese, and so much is involved. The story I wanted to tell was as a Puerto Rican, not from Puerto Rico, who grew up here and still tries to figure out their identity and that sort of being misunderstood, but then growing to understand the world through that lens.”

For his collaboration—which includes streetwear and home items—he chose imagery involving dominoes, chickens, and pigeons, common in Puerto Rican culture. Having his work available at Walmart, where people can wear and buy his designs, has great significance to the artist. “I never thought in a million years that I would find myself in this place, but now that I am, I want other people to see me,” Lugo says. “Not necessarily see me as an individual but to see my trajectory and see themselves reflected in that it’s possible for them too. I think that’s important.” People can find brightly-colored short-sleeved shirts, patterned coffee mugs, and attractive products for everyday use.

Lugo describes how it “wasn’t an easy life” growing up. He relates how he has had direct experience with trauma and poverty and a lot of people around him going in and out of prison or passing away. Needless to say, not many friends and family had the opportunity to pursue college or careers. Taking up graffiti made him curious about art, but it wasn’t until his mid-20s that he moved to Florida and tried a drawing course at a community college. The teacher of that course was a potter by trade and encouraged Lugo to try it himself. It was then that he received the first positive words about his work. “That encouragement was something that I was hungry for,” he says. “I got really passionate about making art because it felt like it was what I was supposed to do. It felt like I found my thing.”

According to him, his rough upbringing has informed his work more than anything else. “I own where I’m from to where I’m at in many ways,” he says. “That’s my lived experience; it’s really difficult for me to make art about anything else. That’s just my reality and what inspires me to continue to represent the culture that I’m from.”

After Florida, Lugo enrolled at the Kansas City Art Institute, a historically important school for ceramic artists in the United States. He described this period as “a complicated experience” and “intense” but one that allowed him to work hard in pursuit of his calling. “This is my chance of life, my one shot to do something special,” Lugo remembers; he didn’t leave the studio much and avoided partying. After graduation, he attended Penn State, which helped him “figure out what it all means and communicate that to others.”

Lugo feels that pottery is a great tradition that connects humanity for thousands of years. “It definitely feels like there’s a lineage in terms of what I’m doing here, and how it was done so long ago,” Lugo says that he’s been studying how Greeks communicated through pottery to communicate his own stories. “If you think about urban cities, Black and brown communities, and impoverished communities, very rarely do people have time to do things like craft, especially craft at a level where you can sell the work or develop a skill and have a career in it. [In that sense], I don’t feel like there’s lineage, but it feels like an opportunity to help create one.”

“I’m never working from a blank space,” Lugo says about his inspirations. “I know what it is that I want to communicate with my work.” While he has done portraiture in the past—choosing figures like Cornel West and The Notorious BIG for his work—he’s now attempted narrative and figurative work around his and his family’s everyday, personal experiences. “Giving them a visual representation helps to tell these stories and do it in a way that lasts permanently. Our life is just as valuable as everybody else’s,” he says.

What Lugo considers a direct relationship with some of the people of color in the United States, like the roots of poverty and living in the diaspora, is something he likes to highlight in his work. “I wanted my work to recognize the relationship between Black and Latinos. So that’s why, historically, my work is high portraits of figures like Harriet Tubman, because I feel like the struggle for freedom is something we share.”

Lugo wants to preserve his culture and surroundings so that future generations can learn the stories of the people he highlights. To him, pottery is a way to communicate for a long time. “Pottery lasts for thousands of years, and things we’re making today will be around in the future. People might not recognize the people I put in my work, but they will recognize the pottery.”

He’s currently working towards an exhibition at Princeton, where his work will be displayed alongside ancient Greek pots.

[jackitkvids]

Just got done writing out an update for the channel/plans for October.

For those not willing to click the link...

With September at sunset and the fact I haven't gotten around to recording a Game N Chill yet. I'm going to summarize my plans for October here. The short answer is "I don't know", but I'll probably won't be uploading my usual content at the very least.

Last year I took a break from my usual uploads all together and focused on making various videos and shorts of my OC world/dream game Overseer of the Elements. But with how much time I've been focusing on trying to finish up Dawn of Djinn, I haven't had too much time to work on videos.

So, my uploads for October might be a bit more random and without a theme. But I get the feeling anyone following the channel closely is already used to that. I'm still finalizing what I want to make and upload for the month, but currently I'm leaning towards taking a break from Legend ZA shorts. Hopefully replacing them with OC related content, but I might dabble in a few Golden Sun related shorts as well. It has been way to long since I've done anything Golden Sun related. I have a couple ideas of shorts that would fit the style I do for Pokemon Legends ZA, just with Golden Sun instead. But again, we'll see how things pan out. I do still have at least one more week to finalize plans.

Last year, I focused a lot on game mechanics, so if I do bring Overseer October back this year, I want to spend more time on the characters. They're probably the most flesh out part of this concept, but I've been hesitant to share too many details about them because I don't want to spoil the game before I even write a line of code for it... But surely there's some things I can share. I want to experiment more with Youtube's feature to make video replies to comments.

So, I'm tempted to make a Q & A video where you can leave questions for me to reply to on Overseer of the Elements. I just don't know if I want to set it up in a way you can ask the characters questions directly or just a video where you ask me about the OC directly. The prior could be fun, but I don't think I would want to do voice acting for all the characters so I don't know how I'd handle that, especially for the female characters. Plus the later would allow people to ask about things beyond the characters, such as the world, mechanics, and things just in general outside the scope of the characters.

(Shrugs) I'll figure out something once I decide if I'm even going to do an Overseer October this year. But if this even vaguely is of interest to you, please let me know what you think. Especially if you're interested in a Q & A and either of the ways I proposed it to be done.

Oh, I almost forgot. I've got a playlist, specially for videos talking about my OC. So if you want to get caught up, you can just check this out. It isn't a lot so it shouldn't take too much time to watch them all.

And if you're still reading, just want to remind people that Dawn of Djinn Second Mix (v 2.0) is still alive and well. I tend to play test or work on it several times a week, if not once a day in some form. I just don't want to draw too much attention to it before release because well, you know, its an unofficial game and we generally know how Nintendo can get about those types of projects, especially the way I'm making it.

I am occasionally making posts about my progress on Discord & site blogs so feel free to follow either of those platforms for more precise updates on the matter. Half the reason I'm conflicted about doing Overseer October is that I was double checking the anniversary of Golden Sun and realize that I could do something funny if I finish Dawn of Djinn quickly enough.

As much as I enjoy Dawn of Djinn, I'm kind of at the point of looking forward to finishing it up so I can invest more time into Godot and focus more on making "official games" that I can be more loud and proud to share. Maybe even get one step closer to making the world of Overseer of the Elements "real" some day.

[robert-sims]

Master the Game with Precision: USAPA Approved Fiberglass Pickleball Paddle Set

Introduction:

MTEN is a brand known for its electronic products and accessories. They offer smartphones, tablets, smartwatches, headphones, and more. With a focus on quality and user satisfaction, MTEN provides innovative and reliable products that cater to diverse consumer needs.

Hot Product

Pickleball Paddles, Pickleball Set with Pickleball Rackets, 1 Paddle Cove,1 Grip Tapes

Pickleball paddles have been officially approved by USA Pickleball for Tournament Play

The MTEN pickleball racket features a premium fiberglass face for exceptional power and a Polypropylene Core for maximum control.

7.78 – 7.8 oz which puts it in the medium weight range. It has a 4.57″ grip circumference.

Pickleball padddles perfect for beginners who are just starting to develop their strokes without feeling overwhelmed.

Pickleball padddles set comes with 1 pickleball paddles,1 paddle cover,1 grip tapes

A Review Of MTEN

Pickle Ball seems to be all the rage these days so I thought I would get a set and try out the game. This set arrived in a very high end looking bag. I was very impressed with the quality of the bag from the start. The zipper to open the bag was smooth and high quality. Each paddle was secure within the bag and also included 4 pickleballs and extra tape for the handles. The paddles had two sets of each color and were very nice, vibrant colors. They gave off a space vibe to me which was cool. The pickleballs also seemed to be very high quality. We tried them out in the house and they worked just perfectly. I even worked up a bit of a sweat just playing around in the house. The only negative to this set that I can find to mention (because it was hard to find something that I did not like) was trying to get the paddles and balls back in the bag after use. I should have taken a photo of how they were shipped because I struggled to get them back in. It took about 5 minutes to figure it out. The handles are very grippy/sticky, which is probably great for playing but trying when you go to put everything back in the bag. Overall, I am very pleased with this pickle ball set. It is not only attractive, but it seems very high quality and hopefully, will be able to withstand hours of use. I can’t wait until the good weather comes so we can play outside.

Customer Q&As

Q: How about the materials of these pickleball paddles set of 2?

A: The material of the paddles is great. I like that it comes with a carry bag too.

Q: What is the quality of the grip, will it easily fall off?

A: This paddle is very comfortable for me to use, and the grip is very sweat absorbing. The unique stitching and ribbed grip make me feel comfortable, and it is very durable and has excellent handling.

Q: Are these pickleball paddles sturdy enough?

A: Yes, they are, I have been using them for quite several times now and they still work perfectly.

Versatile and Reliable: Whether you’re playing singles or doubles, our pickleball paddle set is versatile enough to adapt to any playing style or strategy. With their responsive surface and balanced weight distribution, these paddles offer the versatility and reliability you need to excel on the court, no matter the circumstances.

Perfect Set for Two Players: Get ready to hit the court with a friend or family member and enjoy hours of competitive fun with our pickleball paddle set, which includes two paddles to accommodate two players. Whether you’re practicing drills, playing casual games, or competing in tournaments, this set has everything you need to unleash your pickleball prowess.

Take Your Game to the Next Level: Elevate your pickleball experience with the USAPA Approved Fiberglass Pickleball Paddle Set and unleash your full potential on the court. With its premium construction, ergonomic design, and USAPA approval, this paddle set is the ultimate choice for players who demand precision, performance, and reliability in every game.

[uroboros-if]

Please please share some coding/designing wisdom. Your game is so damn pretty 😭😭😭 Could you tell us what template you used and how hard it was to make it look like it is today? I imagine so much work must have gone into it

😭😭 I am no expert, but these are just my rationale/methods behind the visual choices I made!

For the template I used—I used Vahnya's Template! However, this post by @/manonamora-if has a whole section for templates that I wish I saw or checked out before making my IF! In another lifetime, I might've just used nyehilism's template to achieve the bottom sidebar instead of torturing myself learning how to do it... ;;

Below, I go into detail the timeline of designing Uroboros, as well as advice through the process I went!

Design Timeline

I started designing the UI late October 2022, and kept fixing, changing, editing it well into February and maybe a little bit of March 2023.

October 2022 - Early iterations of the design. Looked for stock images and began implementing it to add a background to the sidebar and the actual passages. Swatched some color palettes and began implementing them into the IF. Later decided to make the sidebar on the bottom instead of on the side. Also, added a title screen.

November - Testing different backgrounds for the IF's sidebar. Added a textbox to the passages, also worked on the black fade transitions.

December - Finished working on the sidebar background for both light and dark theme, began work on the background of the IF instead.

January 2023 - Finished working on the dark and light theme backgrounds! Started work on drawing the skill icons for light and dark theme, and finished!

February - Changed the title screen to look better on mobile, created a circle logo, added a border to the textbox. Also, made further edits for light theme.

March - Just remade the "Uroboros" logo.

If you're wondering why it took approximately 5 months to get to the final version—don't worry! I wasn't working only on the design for 5 months. My partner helped make the edits for the design, while I worked on coding them in and writing.

I spent a lot of time trying to get a grasp on Javascript, SugarCube, and HTML all throughout this time as well, to know how to fluidly add these things. Meaning, while I was working on these visual elements, I was also figuring out how to do the "looking" mechanic, black and white transitions, figuring out how Tweego worked, radio buttons, and so on.

Do note I've been busy the entire time throughout, so perhaps you can do this much quicker than I can!

The "Secrets"

1. Please—look at IFs you love! What are some visual aspects of other IFs that you love and want to include in your story? I started by analyzing parts of other IFs that I love. I liked Wayfarer's textbox; I liked how the choices looked in When Twilight Strikes. I liked the textboxes in the beginning of Zorlok. Find the things that amaze you about other IFs, and implement it your own way!

This seems like super basic advice—but trust me, once you think, "How can I put this in my game?" you will not only be able to have it, but most likely, you'll also learn a LOT.

While seeing how I could make the radio buttons, for example, I started researching. I googled "How to live change text?" and then I found out about jQuery, how to use the replace macro, etc. etc. JUST from researching how to do exactly one (1) feature.

2. What is missing in other IFs? Think about your own reading experience. I didn't like the clunkiness of some, how the sidebar is on the side when space on a mobile-screen is severely limited length-wise. So, I put the sidebar on the bottom.

I didn't like how other choices look in IFs, so I wanted a way to do mine that's nice and elegant(though it's still a little hard to read, admittedly).

Again, researching how to do the things you want opens many doors for you. I learned how to style <li> and change how bullets look, learned how to style links in Twine in general, etc. etc. again with just this ONE thing I wanted to change/add.

3. Don't do the work all by yourself. I struggled so hard because I hate asking for help. I was happy to Google other people's problems, but I never thought to open up my own thread or ask anybody in the community for help. Please, not only ask, but also—your work doesn't have to be completely original.

Use templates. Look at manon's amazing masterlist of things you can implement. I also have a few macro's that you can use, like multipronouns for MC, that does the work for you, for free.

Rip people's codes—respectfully. I'm not saying from other IFs, but online in other places. If they appear on help forums or are publicly available through places like CodePen, chances are that they're open-source or licensed in such a way that anyone can use it (e.g. MIT license).

Again, here is Manon's masterlist, which includes custom macros you can use in your game (Chapel, HiEv and Cycy are my high recommendations)! Additionally, here's my code for multipronouns here and my code for setting RO genders here.

4. MAKE IT READABLE!! Even if you want your game to look pretty... please, I'm begging you, make it easy to read. This is the most important thing ever.

I have a short attention span, and so does my partner. We reviewed the game to make sure we are NOT compromising the reading experience with our design. As much as we want fantastical backgrounds, we wanted to make sure it was at least not distracting. As much as we want gaudy styles, we want the actual passage to be suited for the long haul.

The most, most important part is to enhance the reading experience--not by adding things on, but by making it simple and intuitive. As someone in the computer science field, the user experience is CRITICAL. Put yourself in their shoes, think about them first and foremost.

Twine is amazingly customizable, and its powers can be wielded for good and evil. Plenty of amazing writers but inexperienced UI designers, especially from CoG, get into Twine. CoG almost completely takes away the design element, so Twine is a whole new ballpark.

Uroboros has a lot of pomp, but the actual textbox is uncharacteristically simple in comparison. The simplicity against an otherwise fantastical, but non-distracting background helps give it elegance. The sidebar, in contrast, is very eye-catching—but, it's also out of view most of the time, and isn't built for long reading.

To add on, make sure it's readable on mobile. I guarantee 80% of your readers are going to be reading your IF on their phone, and probably at 3 AM, so you will want the mobile to look as good as PC, or even better.

Closing Thoughts

Anyway, as basic as this advice is, this is really what guided my entire thought process behind my visual choices! -- Picking and choosing what you like from IFs, figuring out how to do them through research, and making sure your IF is built to be read for a while.

Thanks so much for asking, thinking that I have wisdom to impart!! 😭🫶💕

[vampstel]

Obligatory life update: I’ve been working on a lot of things but also I’ve been doing nothing lol. I’m just vibing :]

I have some interesting things to say, though. I’ve recently been experimenting with my art style!! I’ve done a few coloring experiments since I want my art to look more colourful and so far it’s helped a ton. I figured out a better way to blend colours and I’m also trying out different shading techniques. Still have no clue how lighting works though but shhh

I’ve also been working on V’s redesign and I’ve got his face and hair done. He officially has black hair now and his hairstyle’s a really messy undercut that he can tie up in a ponytail or bun. His face is still the same, but his eyes look more tired and he’s got softer features. Also, he’s got more piercings. I really liked the first draft of him with shark bite piercings so I kept that in

…I’ve always wanted shark bite piercings but I know damn well my mom (and grandma) would say no if I asked :’)

His outfits are still works in progress. I got the general idea down for his main outfit, I just need to figure out which elements I want to keep and what colour palette I want. I’ll mostly keep his colour palette monotone probably. So far the only thing I’ve decided is that I want him to have a fur collar jacket and a pair of headphones around his neck…

It’s very difficult for me to make a new persona design. I enjoy so many things and I want to convey that but it’s almost impossible. My tastes in fashion can be contradictory, my fixations/interests change frequently, and I still have a bad case of depersonalization due to gender dysphoria. Like, it’s so hard to try to imagine what I look like in my head. Sometimes it’s a complete blur but ever since I drew drafts of the new V, I feel more connected(?) with who I am.

I honestly just want a sona that looks good in emo clothes but also rocks pink, girly clothes lol. I wanna present more femininely someday like my beloved Rei without feeling bad ;w;

And, this is a lot more niche, I’ve been reworking some of my Roblox assets (specifically face/makeup decals for RK2) and wow it’s a pain in the ass. Like what the hell. I got banned for a day because Roblox thought Rei’s smiling face was sexual. Am I allowed to say this is homophobic and transphobic of them to do?—

Oh… and I’ve been playing a lot of Bee Swarm Simulator. I dunno, man, it passes the time and it’s the only grindy game I enjoy.

Other than that, I have nothing else to talk about. I mean, I DO have videos in the works. Like that Gacha video, oh and a new art video, as well as a video about Roblox’s shitty moderation system, and— You get what I mean. I also have a ton of art ideas I wanna do and the list so far is:

Redrawing that one scene of Howl and Sophie as Lawrence and Rei

A lot of miscellaneous art ideas of Rei. Like a lot. I have two dress designs for him in mind and the drafts are adorable 🥺

Possibly a mini-comic of Rei and Lawrence... I won’t spoil it though

New social media layout as soon as I figure out V’s outfits

And there’s more but this post is so long already so I’ll talk about more things in the next life update. Good night

[treybriggsthewriter]

This makes me nervous, but I’m going to post it. I’m going to try my best to achieve my goals. I’ve put in a ton of work already, so I’m looking for additional help. 

From the campaign:

My name is Trey Briggs, and I'm a black woman who writes paranormal horror, speculative fiction, and other types of fiction. You can find my stories at MaybeTrey , Astrid the Devil , and on Instagram , Medium , and Wattpad .

My stories are aimed at black people who want to read dark stories that focus on original black characters that are complex and interesting. I genuinely believe Black audiences deserve a variety of genres to delve into, and I want to introduce them to paranormal horror, dark romance, and fantasy that they haven't gotten enough of in the past. I also believe that this can be done across multiple mediums, and I spend my money with black creative professionals to make these experiences extend beyond my words. For the last two years, I've run my stories on sites and Instagram to great reception. I like to craft complex experiences that offer looks at character backgrounds, side and backstories, full websites for each title, and more. I also provide encyclopedias, maps, audio journals, and other ways to get into each world. During these last few years, I've run into a lot of walls, jumped a lot of hurdles, and tried my best. I've worked with amazing black artists, voice actors, and actresses, musicians, designers, and more. I trust my ability to run a project, especially when it comes to planning and finding talent. My overall goal is to run a team of black creatives that crafts novels, graphic novels, audio experiences, and animated series for a dedicated audience.

Why I Need Help Long story short: I have the skill, I have the marketing/website building/business experience, and I have the drive. There's a lot I can do on my own, but there's also a lot that gets left behind because I don't have the money I need to proceed at a steady pace. I need help with funding so I can focus, hire the right people, and craft these stories the way they deserve to be crafted. I have thus far spent over $60,000 of my own money on my projects over the past two years - the writing and site-building are easy for me; the rest has to be hired out. I have art, site costs for hosting, domains, templates, specific plugins, and maintenance, audio (and vocal artists to pay), musical, and editing costs. I'm by no means rich or even particularly financially stable. I have taken on tons of extra clients for my digital marketing business, transcribed hundreds of hours of audio for dirt cheap, and taken out personal loans. I even worked a second full-time job along with my full-time business last year to afford to produce the content I love. It's starting to take a toll on my mental health. I plan on continuing to fund these projects out of pocket (and finding ways to do so), but having financial help, however big or small, would allow me to move a lot faster and with less stress. It would let me flesh out ideas and concepts that I have had to scrap because I can only physically handle so much extra work. I run a full-time marketing business from home, homeschool my autistic 10-year-old, and generally have a busy life. Some of the strain is taking a toll on me, and I don't want to give up. Having some financial backing could allow me to drop a client or two after a few months and focus on the work I love to do.

How You Can Help I mainly need a start—a sort of base. I want to emphasize that I plan to continue to provide the main bulk of funding for my projects. I know my goals are ambitious, and I know each step will take time and money. I welcome any help to make the process smoother and to get around the initial hurdles. I'd like to have ebooks and novels offered on my site by the end of the year (along with the free serials and stories). Funding means that I can broaden the projects, include more free aspects to my sites, and secure direct financing through sales of ebooks and audiobooks sooner. It also means that I can offer MORE stories, whether they are online only or fully fleshed out novels and sites. I am swamped with trying to work enough to cover all my bills and creative projects, so I lose a lot of time I could spend plotting and writing. If I have better funding, I can get my stories out quicker (and with fewer mistakes).

The Initial Stories Let's talk about my stories! If you're familiar with my work already, you can skip to the next section. My main story site is Maybe Trey . Currently, I have two big titles and a bunch of smaller ones that I am seeking help with funding: Astrid the Devil

Astrid the Devil is the complicated story of a girl who inherits not only her family's features and DNA, but their fears, struggles, and fights. It's the story of a condition called Devil Syndrome, the women who suffer it, and the monsters that devour them. It's the story of the fight to save the people you love at the expense of innocent lives. At its core, Astrid the Devil is the story of a woman who inherits the chaos of three generations before her. It's a look at what is truly passed down to our children, and how they're left to fight our battles in the aftermath of our failures. It's the tale of an indescribable monster and the women who struggle to defeat it. It's a journey into how their every decision could save or destroy an entire world. Astrid the Devil is the story of Astrid Snow, but her story can't be told without the story of the women before her.

Vicious: On MaybeTrey  and The Vicious site (in progress)

Somewhere, a war is brewing.  That's the only thing that's for sure to Junnie Gorton, a young horned girl suffering from a debilitating disease called Horn Rot. She typically dealt with her low survival rate and abnormally large horns by escaping the world with her best friend, Lewish. Now she's forced to figure out which side is which, save her entire species, and find out the truth behind the sudden uprising in her home. Horn Rot, a highly contagious and violent disease spreading through horned people, is causing mass amounts of madness and death. Normal horns grow in ways that will pierce, suffocate, and maim their owners, and the only one who can stop it is Junnie's mother, Lyria. As Lyria falls deeper and deeper into an anti-social revolt, the country reels. While Junnie broods, her entire species must prepare for mass extinction. Her brother plots with a group of people with less than good intentions and Lewish is quieter than usual. In a civilization brought up on extreme violence and competition, Junnie and Lewish try their best not to get swallowed by their culture, their lives, or their horns.

Bunni and Bosque :

Bunni lives. Bosque dies. We all know how this story starts. Bunni is obsessed with destruction and death. She comes from the healthiest Horned family in her country. She's from the oldest, purest bloodline in the world. And she's bored with it. Bunni spends most of her time trying to escape her duties as a pureblood. She wants things dirty, messy, foul, inconsistent. Having parents that are willing to kill to keep their bloodline pure is annoying. Knowing that she'll live a long, full life, produce more perfect children, and die unscathed is agonizing. Bunni wants something to mourn. We all know how this story ends. Bosque is destined to die an agonizing death, alone on his family's land. He's watched everyone he loved and grew up with perish. Sometimes it was because of their disease. Sometimes it was because of the malice and hatred of others. While he's absolutely withdrawn and satisfied with his life, Bosque has never had a chance to live it. He spends his days basking in the sun, bathing in wood baths, and contemplating the end. Bosque isn't interested in joining the rest of the world. He'd rather die out, alone, where his family belonged. Bosque wants to go peacefully. But neither expected to meet each other one day in a supermarket. Neither expected to fall in love, lust, and every vicious and dirty thing between. Neither expected to be so right for each other, all while being wrong for everyone else. You know the end of this story. Bunni lives, Bosque dies. But maybe something will change.

My smaller titles, Bunni and Bosque /Aite and Jude, can be found at Maybe Trey .

The Business Plan

The initial phase of my business plan is to get the sites populated with ebooks and audiobooks for sale. I also have prints that can be sold. Right now, I am in the audience-building phase while I save up for editing the full novels. 

In terms of an actual business with which to publish the stories, I already have a registered publication company in Illinois: Wolfless Studios LLC. I took this step earlier this year with plans to self-publish Astrid and Vicious. So that is paid for and done.

I have also gotten initial editing done on the first six chapters of Astrid, though it will need to be edited from the beginning again once everything is said and done. I've spent over $1000 on that so far, and it would go a lot faster if I didn't need to save up to edit each chapter.

Astrid the Devil is fully plotted, outlined, and only needs the last three chapters. Bunni and Bosque and Vicious are newer, but plotted and already deep into character development (all being shared across social and Wattpad for audience growth). Aite and Jude and other shorts are plotted, and three other unshared stories are plotted and at the editing phase.

Other costs and ways I would use the funding (I would still put in my own money and do as much on my own as possible):

Initial $30K

$6000 - $7000 Line and Copy edits for Astrid (currently at 250000+ words/expecting over 300000 at $0.02 rate)

$6000 - $7000 Line and Copy Edits for Vicious

$3000 - $4000 Line and Copy Edits for Bunni and Bosque

ISBN Purchases (Separate ISBN for each format for each book) - https://www.myidentifiers.com/identify-protect-your-book/barcode

Covers for Astrid/Vicious/B&B Print Versions

Site Hosting Costs and Maintenance for 2 Years

Site completion for all stories

Initial store and app development

40K - Marketing and Graphic Novels

Social, Print, and Web ads

Email Marketing Campaigns 

Booths at Decatur Book Festival (depending on COVID)

Social ads and promos

50 to 60 pages

First two chapters offered as free promo with email sign-ups

Audio journals for each character

Situational audio journals

Encyclopedia for Astrid (finishing up)/Vicious

65K - Hires and Next Phases

Ability to hire a Full-Time Editor 

Audio Series for each (professionally done)

Vicious Graphic Novel

Additional Title Added

Short animations for both Vicious and Astrid (with plans to fund more with book sales)

Fleshed out Story Sections (Novellas for each character of each series)

Short comic series with Astrid and Vicious side characters

Possible to plan out monthly subscription service with new stories and 'story package' deliveries

75K -

Astrid the Devil Graphic Novel

Vicious Graphic Novel

Astrid the Devil Animated Short

Ability to hire part-time Web Developer

Additional bigger title

Anything Over - I ascend into pure light. And also, I can add titles, cover more mediums, and eventually expand my publishing to other black creatives.

From there, I should be able to handle the funding via sales of books, comics, audio, and more. Again, I will always offer mostly free content across the sites.

I believe in proof of concept, and I have diehard fans on my social platforms. With no outside funding, I've been able to a lot on my own. I'd love to expand my business into one that does the same for other black authors, artists, voice actors, and animators somewhere down the line. 

Thank you so much for your consideration. I appreciate all my readers, present and future, and I appreciate any help!

See incentives and more on the actual campaign: https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-trey-publish-black-paranormal-horror-stories

Thank you so much!

[jaypsnax]

Alright then, to take it from the top... here’s some things I’ve done here or there for this dang game, from oldest to newest. With a big chunk of months starting with the margin Floofty there. Much is traditional and such, which is not my most practiced medium. Details on each below, just because I like over-explaining and it helps my nerves about posting.

1st: Fairly certain this Gramble is the first thing I did that was OK enough to show. Or, at least close to the first. He was one of my favorites and still is for his kindness(though he also can be really mean and paranoid, also a reason why I like him), so I wanted to get around to em. Also he’s very cute, I love my little malewife. I wanna scoop him up and hold him. Trouble is, Gramble has to have some of the most awkward proportions I’ve yet experienced while trying to draw a grumpus, I swear. That, and the more I looked at it, the more I grew to be unhappy with it. That generally applies to basically all of the drawings from last year, I find them to be “eh” at best. But it is what it is. 2nd: Second up is Flooftyyy, my most favorite. Intelligent, well-spoken, morally ambiguous, NB... and an asshole. But one with a cause they believe in that’s ultimately well intentioned, which they’ll go to self-destructive lengths to fulfill. And it’s clear they struggle to really get a grasp on how to treat people and have learned to cope with their frustration by shutting everyone out and believing them to be ignorant. While still obviously playing favorites between Eggabell and Triffany :p But by the end of the game, they’re learning that in order to really do what they want, they’ve got to really try and understand others. They’re the sort that I’d love to keep following to see their development. The awkwardness, the uncomfortable apologies and attempts at empathizing or opening up, the potential for blossoming relationships and a connection with others that, maybe, they’ve never quite experienced before. Their character is one that’s kind of close to my heart for being interesting and also quite similar to one I made and roleplayed for years. Add in the fact they’re NB and that just sealed the deal, that’s some fucking gender goddamn euphoria right there. So I had to draw them. 3rd: This one also mostly falls under the same explanation as above, except it was an effort as really figuring out grumpus bodies and proportions and stuff. Albeit in the form of solely Floofty, but my mental bandwidth for anything more than a drawing or two at a time is zilch. After that I’m spent. It was the first thing that I felt even marginally satisfied with, however.... I just feel like I’m in danger when looking at it. Like I’m gonna lose my way of things and habits I’ve built now from observing it too closely. Did keep the eyes, however. Kind of. 4th: To be real w you I just felt like drawing a Filbo after seeing a Filbo. He’s cute and I’d put a smooch on his dumb little head. Also more practice w grump stuff, but with some intentional attempts at stylization. I guess it didn’t stick, but who knows, maybe I could pick some of it back up?  5th: THE FIRST NEW DRAWING FROM A FEW DAYS AGO and it’s FLOOFTY, of course. It’s not really the first, there’s a few other things before it, but they suck so... yeah. I’d crawled out of the Bugsnax hole somewhat after a few months and failing to really do anything I actually wanted to do before, but a particular fic conked me right back 6 ft under. Piled the dirt over me and packed it in tight. So here I am again. And not only is it like that, but after binging a whole nearly 60,000 words in a night/morning, I was struck with the inspiration to actually write myself. Or try to, anyway. I have experience in RPing, but not a whole lot in actually... making a story myself. It’s not been going well, but I’ve talked plenty about that already... I’m sure it gets annoying for the whole maybe one person whose seen most of it to witness. And I’m still having fun. I’d mention the fic, but considering it’s NSFW and I’m officially tagging this... I don’t know if they’d want me advertising it as such. But surprise surprise, it’s Floofty related. And don’t get the wrong idea, while it covers explicit subject matter, that’s not entirely the point. Not a bad thing if it were, just that it’s more than that. I just like good character writing over all else, which is something liking this game to begin with heavily reinforced.... 6th: Heeeere’s Gramble, again. I’d been doing some little drawings for character profile stuff in my notebook, but I started to run into some difficulties when I got to him. This here is one of the results of the couple of little draws I did to try and understand. Again, his proportions are so *weird*. He’s just a little guy.... 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th: Here marks the first impulse draw after considering Buddy/Filbo/Beffica poly stuff. As well as the sudden Buddy drawing in general, which came as a big shock to me. These draws are suuuper rough, but I like the concepts. And goodness has this stuff been a whole ‘nother tangent... I did a fair amount of talking about it here. I’d do more, since there were TONS of details I still wanted to mentioned, but... my hands are starting to hurt. So maybe later. I realized that I kinda of messed up their design in my head bc I thought they had more similar teeth to Clumby. Whoops. That’s what I get for not using reference and same with FlooFTY’S TEETH AND THE WATCH NOOOOOOOOOO- .... *Ahem* I reckon the design is subject to change. Gotta make some little adjustment here or there, like maybe different eyes to distinct them from Floofty, but I actually rather... like the look. The hat, tie, and maybe a change to a bag on the side look nice... if totally not canon. But I will have just a little break from canon, as a treat. Otherwise it’s canon or bust. Personally, at least. I don’t really hold others to that standard unless they say they’re trying to follow canon or diverge so badly that a character is unrecognizable.

[imagining-in-the-margins]

Here to Misbehave (Pt. 18 | S.R.)

Series Masterlist | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17 | Part 18 | Part 19 | Part 20 | Part 21 | Part 22 | Part 23 | Finale |

Summary: Reader finds more productive ways to spend her time, including babysitting Henry and volunteering at the local inpatient hospitals.

A/N: That’s my gif so please give credit if you use it 🤗 Couple: Spencer Reid/Fem!Reader 
 Category: Smut (NSFW, 18+) Content Warning: Oral (female receiving), addiction, relapse, discussions of death/murder, unsub talk, hospitals, inpatient ward Word Count: 13K

MASTERLIST

—————————————————

The next morning felt strangely similar to the morning of the day we’d gone to the bank. . Waking up in Spencer’s bed and smelling the unmistakable, comforting scent of old book pages and stale coffee. I’d told him when I first came to his place that it reminded me of a library, but it was more like that quiet local hole-in-the-wall bookshop.

It almost felt like that morning, but there was one glaring difference: Spencer wasn’t in the bed.

When I sat up to try and locate him, I was reminded that there are consequences to my actions. My stomach hurt like shit, and I swore I blacked out for a second from the pain. It would pass, though. Considering I had gotten through the night without waking, it clearly wasn’t that bad.

I thankfully managed to get out of bed myself and take the pain medication I kept in my purse. And armed with the knowledge that the pain would subside within the next half hour, I hobbled toward the distant sounds of… vomiting.

Not even bothering to stop yet, I made my way to the kitchen to grab the poor guy a glass of water. It was the least I could do for his comfort considering that I was about to make his headache much, much worse.

Peeking my head through the open door, I frowned at the sight of my boyfriend half asleep on the toilet.

“Hey old man. I brought you some water.”  

Finally looking up, not having noticed me until I spoke, Spencer groaned as he backed up to lean against the wall instead of the dirty porcelain. “God, when did I get this old?”

“Hmm. I’m guessing sometime in the past 30 years.” I hummed, joining him on the cold tile floor. The two of us just rested there, his hand reaching out to take mine with a solemn smile.

“You’re cute.” He mumbled.

“I know, thanks.” I joked back, knowing that I really looked like a whole mess, with my hair desperately needing to be brushed. He never seemed to mind, though. I was glad for the lighthearted domesticity of the moment, because I knew I was about to shatter it like a brick through glass.

Softening my features as much as possible with the anxiety coursing through my veins, I squeezed his hand before finally whispering, “You know your age isn’t the only reason you’re sick though, right?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” He snapped back with about as much hostility as I was expecting. He ran a frustrated hand over his face, his breathing picking up almost immediately as he tried to calm himself down.

“I know you’re just trying to do what you’re supposed to, but please…” The waver in his voice broke my heart and turned my stomach to knots. With more force, he held his hand in the air and continued to stare straight ahead. “Just... don’t. I’ll call my sponsor.”

I tried to keep my voice quiet and nonthreatening as I pushed, but I knew that it wasn’t going to make much of a difference either way.

“We have to talk about it, too, Spencer.”

“No, we really don’t.”

“You’re going to get your chip taken away,” my voice broke in half as the word fell from my mouth, “I know that that’s important to you. We can’t ignore it.”

Speaking faster, our urgent pleas overlapped to create a small cacophony booming through the acoustics of the bathroom. “(Y/n), seriously, stop. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

A silence fell between us, and I let it sit there for a minute. I wouldn’t get anywhere with him if he was defensive, and that’s exactly what he was at the moment. But I wasn’t trying to chastise him; I’m not his mother, I’m just his worried girlfriend. I loved him and I knew something was wrong, and I just wanted to help.

I didn’t know how. The men I loved never made it far enough for me to be able to help.

“You didn’t even tell me you were coming home. We need to talk about that, at least.” I offered the narrowed scope, hoping that he would take it without any more of a fight.

He didn’t. Instead, he took back his hand and turned it to a fist in his lap. That time it was my breathing that became unsteady, and I tried to touch him, but he recoiled when I came too close.

“You didn’t seem to mind me being drunk last night.”

Although I knew it was coming, the words hurt just the same. I resisted the urge to mirror his actions. I wasn’t angry. I wouldn’t be angry, because that’s what he wanted. If I reacted that way, he could write off my responses.

“I’m not going to agitate you or shame you when the damage is already done, Spencer.” I said as confidently as I could, “I knew you needed affection and you weren’t going to ask for it yourself.”

He finally looked at me again, and in doing so, realized he was making a mistake. The anger melted from his face within seconds, being replaced with overt sadness and guilt. “I could have hurt you.” He whispered through the tears that started to fall.

“But you didn’t.” I said with a gentle smile, reaching over to wipe the saltwater from his cheek. “That’s not a very good excuse anymore.”

“It’s always a good explanation.” He clarified, chewing on his bottom lip. His hands released from their tense state.

My fingers couldn’t move fast enough to clear his tears, but he brought his own hands up to rub the tired eyes. I used the freedom to run my hands through his hair, pulling him closer to me.

Resting his head against my shoulder, he let out a deep, shaky breath. I continued slow, soft strokes along his arm, listening to the rhythm of his breath slowly recalibrate. Once I was satisfied with the pattern, I tried again.

“What happened on the case, Spencer?”

The tension returned, but subsided quicker than it had before. He took a deep breath and spoke through the exhale, trying to rid himself of the thought as he said it.

“We had to kill someone.”

My movements paused for a second before I reminded myself to continue, but my confusion remained. “I understand trauma is complicated but… You guys have to do that pretty often.”

Spencer wasn’t the kind of person who liked to share his thoughts. I knew as much; even his coworkers hadn’t seen the parts of him that I’d seen. There was no way for me to know if I knew them all, but I figured that I didn’t. I was almost certain there was a side of Spencer Reid that even I didn’t know. The only reason I didn’t try to figure it out was because I knew he liked it better that way. He designed his heart that way for a reason, and I wasn’t going to try and pry it out of him.

But he was scaring me. He almost never talked about his job, which didn’t bother me when it was obvious that he didn’t bring it home with him. Him getting drunk and defensive, though, were very different circumstances than the usual.

Understanding that there was no other way out of this, he continued to talk, hushed and slow. “I was alone with the guy, and I had the opportunity to kill him, but I didn’t. I didn’t kill him, even though I really wanted to.”

‘I really wanted to.’ The words stuck out in my head, no matter how quickly he tried to bury them.

“But after Hotch showed up, he had to do it. We didn’t have a choice anymore.” His arms crossed over his chest, but he pressed himself harder against me in a strange, contradictory stance.

I couldn’t respond to the most important part of his confession just yet; I knew the story wasn’t over. Like I’d told him, trauma and grief are complicated; however, there was something else he needed to admit before I could address the part of his admission he seemed most affected by.. “Spencer, that’s okay. That’s not your fault.” I reassured, trying to coax his arms away from his chest. I’m no profiler, but I felt like if he stopped trying to build walls, things might be easier. I could at least try to break down the ones that were tangible.

“I’m not worried about it being my fault. I’m worried about how… angry I am.” He said in defeat, dropping his arms back to his lap. He still didn’t want to touch me, it seemed. Like the same hands that had wielded a gun against a man were too tainted to share.

“I’m angry because… I wanted to kill him, I wanted him to suffer for hurting innocent people and —“ He covered his mouth, and I think the motion surprised himself.

I couldn’t help but feel partially responsible, no matter how illogical I knew that was. It felt like yet another morning was being taken away from us by what had happened before. I didn’t want to think about it; I didn’t want it to torture Spencer the way it did me. It was wishful thinking, and the stupid kind, at that.

Spencer would always blame himself and care too much. While he was always trying to work on the former, I hoped that the world would let him keep the latter. His compassion was one of the many reasons I fell in love with him. The thought of losing the man who felt the need to confess to me that he’d lied about checking me out in a crowded club invoked a sadness I never wanted to experience.

Although, the prospect of that loss paled in comparison to the acute sorrow I was feeling right then, holding Spencer while he failed to hold back tears, choking on his words. “I didn’t do it, and then he almost hurt someone else.” He said, his voice growing more frantic as he broke from my hold, grabbing his hair and pulling it like it would do something to stop the thoughts.

“And I’m angry that I wasn’t the one who got to do it. I wasn’t the person who got to kill him.” He spat, rocking forward as I tried to wrap my arms around him again. He didn’t let me, putting an arm out to hold me away from him. Still, he looked at me when he forced himself to say the conclusion that I’d reached the second he told me he had wanted to kill someone.

“I’m angry that I didn’t kill someone, (y/n).”

There were so many things I wanted to say to him that my mind literally couldn’t pick any of them. All I could do was stare at the man I loved, stopping me from doing the only thing I wanted to do. I just wanted to hold him; to remind him that I would love him no matter what. Just like we always did, I wanted my body to express the things that my mouth wouldn’t articulate.

But apparently, I was capable of doing that without even touching him. Because the longer we sat in silence, the more his enraged grimace warped to a frown. “Please, don’t look at me like that.” He begged, unable to take his eyes off of mine. I wondered if he could hear my thoughts, because before I even spoke, he pulled his arm back. “Don’t look at me like I deserve sympathy for that.”

Ignoring the pesky numbness forming in my lower half at the awkward position on the unforgiving tile floor, I thanked the lord that I was finally getting some relief from the narcotics, which allowed me to climb on Spencer’s lap. He’d finally ceased his valiant efforts to keep me away from him, accepting me with his hands on my hips.

When I tried to kiss him, however, he turned his face away with a sharp inhale. Careful not to use too much force, I use a tender hand on his cheek to lead him back to me. His eyes bounced between my lips and eyes, almost like he was asking me to try again.

“I’m not going to pretend you’re a monster to make you feel better, Spencer.” I whispered, attempting to infuse the words with everything I felt.

Whether it worked or not, I could never be sure, but Spencer’s small smile sneaking over his cheek was enough for me. “I’m pretty sure it’d make me feel worse.” He croaked, laughing as he bit his tongue to stop any other jokes from slipping out. Like he was betraying the pain by letting it go.

“Well I’m not going to do that, either.” I returned with a laugh. Then, satisfied that he would accept my affections, I closed the gap between us. The kiss was so soft I could almost question whether our lips touched. But his hands slid over my lower back, his arms wrapping around me and pulling me against him.

Eventually, it became obvious just how tired the both of us were. With a quiet thanks, he rested his face on my shoulder, enjoying the calm after the storm of his feelings that he’d finally released.

“Can you come back to bed?” I asked.

“Yeah.” He mumbled, holding tighter for a second before he started to help ease me off his lap. “Let’s go, little girl.”

The return to my nickname made me happier than I’d like to admit. At this point, the use of my real name was like a litmus test for his anxiety. And although I could feel Spencer slowly opening back up to me, he still felt so far away when we crawled under the covers.

Turning on my side to face him, I saw something in his eyes that alerted me to just how deeply rooted this problem was. It wasn’t just the event we’d discussed; it was the knowledge that there would be many more like it in the future.

I wondered what Spencer saw when he looked at me. Did he see me like I was in that moment, or was I always going to look like I had before, choking on blood and a confession I wish I could have made more beautiful? Did he see me at all? Or did he just see all the mistakes he’d made? Would all our moments together be marred by the overwhelming tragedy of a single one? More than anything, I just hoped that he didn’t see the faces of the people who had caused us to be in that horrible tableau. I needed Spencer to see beautiful things when he looked at me, because I needed to see them in his eyes. If something so ugly was the biggest thing between us, our relationship would fray with time, each of us unable to truly see the other.

“You’re the best man I’ve ever known.” I said into the silent early morning air of his apartment.

As expected, Spencer’s precarious smile broke almost immediately, replaced with violent sobs and an attempt to hide his face from me by burying it in my chest. I let him, wrapping my arms around his head in the hope that I could act like a shield for the world that never let him rest.

“I’ll love you forever,” I let my voice break, but I didn’t let that stop me. “And nothing will ever change that.”

—————————————————

One of the things people never warn you about when you’re dating a bona fide genius is that there is no such thing as a surprise. It was like every time I came up with an idea, Spencer could see it on my face within seconds. I was never really sure how he did it, although he usually had the decency to wait until a normal person would have figured it out to say something. For example, when we were about three streets away from his best friend’s house.

“Why are we going to JJ’s house?” He finally asked, turning to me with a confused but excited expression that almost hid the residual negative feelings that insisted on sticking around a week later.

I glanced over at him, laughing at the way his fingers bounced on his lap. He never was subtle with his emotions. “I may or may not have offered us up as babysitters so she and Will could have a much needed date night.”

From the way his shoulders dropped, I could tell it wasn’t the answer he’d been expecting. Still, it didn’t seem like he was disappointed— he was simply trying to read my motivations that were seemingly counter-intuitive.

“Really? Isn’t that gonna be a lot for you?” The concern was evident in his voice, which I found both endearing and a little annoying. It wasn’t this fault, really. I was just so freaking tired of not being able to do basically anything I wanted to. Especially when the thing I wanted to do was watch my boyfriend and his godson.

“Henry may be well behaved, but he’s still a toddler.” Spencer continued, eliciting a deep sigh from me.  

“That’s why you’re here.” I half-joked, pulling into the driveway that was starting to feel familiar. If someone had told me a few months ago that I would become friends with the woman I was angrily binge watching clips of on YouTube, I would have asked them if they had me confused for another girl. But, much to Spencer’s delight, JJ and I never really had that awkward phase. From the second that I met her, I knew that we just wanted the same thing: above all, for the people we loved to be happy. And it seemed we both had a soft spot for the man currently in my passenger seat.

“Oh, running after the kid is my job?” He laughed, already unbuckling his seatbelt and pulling his bag onto his lap in his excitement.

“Yep.” I stuck out my tongue at him, which only made him lean over in an attempt to steal a kiss. I allowed it, if only to bring him within arm’s reach. When he started to pull away, clearly ready to hop out of the car and run to his favorite toddler, I grabbed a fistful of his cardigan in an attempt to keep him closer for a second longer.

“But seriously, Spencer, I…”

He settled into his seat, immediately recognizing the faint tremor in my words. His hand came to rest over mine, and I sighed at the warmth that filled my whole body in seconds.

“I want you to remember that you’re a good person.” I whispered, trying to let him feel how deeply I meant the words, “I know how much you love Henry. I think spending time taking care of someone that’s… not me… will be good for you. And me.”

Those big brown eyes glassed over, glancing down and then away from me as he remembered looking at my stomach didn’t ever do much for his self-hatred. Which, in turn, just made me feel worse. I wondered if there would ever be a day where he could look at me and not feel that way. I desperately hoped that there would be.

Spencer rubbed his eyes to stop any other emotions from spilling out. “Does JJ know we’re using her kid as therapy?” He joked between sniffles.

“She’s a smart lady.” I shrugged, smoothing out the now wrinkled cardigan beneath my fingers. “Besides, Henry said he missed you and it’s hard to say no to him.”

And just like that, Spencer’s bouncing returned, his hand reaching behind him to open the door before he could even open his mouth to speak. “Yeah, we probably shouldn’t keep him waiting, then.”

There was no stopping him at that point, and I trailed along behind him, watching as Henry tumbled out of the front door and straight into my boyfriend’s waiting arms on the porch.

The rest of the night went a lot like that, too. Once the novelty of having me there wore off, and Henry realized that my boo-boo made it hard for me to play the way little boys liked to, Spencer returned to his rightful place as Henry’s favorite babysitter.

I didn’t mind; I was perfectly content watching the two of them. Between the cheesy magic tricks that required a little bit of childlike innocence to be entertained by and Spencer’s attempts to follow along with Henry’s excited rants about cartoons my boyfriend had never even heard of, I somehow fell even more in love with the man.

And even though I had planned this for him, it was restorative for me, too. There was this weird, paradoxical guilt you feel when you’re dating someone like him. Although I know that he wanted to spend every waking second of his free time with me, it made me feel like he was missing out on something else. Something better than me.

It was so easy to forget that we could do those things together. In a way, I could thank my injury for that. When we were limited so much on what we could do together, we had to find creative ways to spend time together that were still stimulating for the both of us.

That being said, in that moment I wished for nothing more than rest. Even just watching the two boys together was exhausting, so when Henry’s first yawn sounded, I jumped at the opportunity. Because, see, Spencer was good at the playing, but I was much better at the cuddling.

It wasn’t like he could argue, either, because while Henry curled up next to me on one side, Spencer was on the other, his arm reaching around to rest on the young boy’s back. Despite picking out the movie, Henry fell asleep against my chest within minutes.

And in the quiet calmness of JJ’s house, I found myself almost falling asleep, too. My head rested against Spencer’s shoulder, moving ever so slightly with each deep breath as my eyes struggled to stay open. That was when Spencer kissed the top of my head so delicately that I almost didn’t feel it.

“I love you, little girl.”

My heart skipped a beat at the sound, and the wave of goosebumps and satisfaction covered me like a blanket. If we’d stayed for even a few minutes longer, I would have fallen asleep right there. However, JJ and Will arrived home just in the nick of time. They tried to convince us to stay, but Spencer seemed uncharacteristically excited to leave, so I didn’t question it even though I wanted to. I took the trip home to catch up on my phone and try to wake myself up enough to spend another hour or so awake with him before I passed out.

“Don’t fall asleep yet.”

I perked up in my seat, not entirely sure if he’d actually said the words, or if I’d just imagined them a little too vividly. But when he glanced over at me, I knew that he was just doing that slightly unsettling thing where he read my thoughts.

“Why? You got plans?” I said through a yawn, trying to stretch within the confines of the car.

“As a matter of fact, I do have plans.”

At first, I thought nothing of the smug way he said it— up until I felt his hand slowly slide up my thigh, the pressure of his fingers increasing when he couldn’t go any further.

“This feels familiar.” I chuckled, my mind transporting me back to our first not-a-date. The sensations caused a desire to burn through me so quickly I became lightheaded, my lungs hungry and desperate as Spencer continued to tease me by avoiding the one place he knew I wanted him to touch.

But, of course, just as I reached down to move his hand, he pulled it away altogether.

“Lucky for you, we’re almost home.”

I audibly groaned, knocking my head back against the seat now that Spencer had succeeded in waking me up. “Sometimes, Spencer…” I mumbled, “I remember why I have to be such a fucking brat.”

“It’s my fault, is it?”

There was a distinct darkness and deviancy in his words, despite the joking cadence they were uttered in. It was a voice I hadn’t heard in some time; a voice that was imprinted so vividly in my memory that even just the thought of it would make me putty in his hands. And I knew that I was reminiscing a lot, trying to relive times that had long since passed, but every time I saw a part of the old Spencer — the Spencer who rambled in museums and demanded I cover up my Lolita costume — the more I felt like my life was finally returning to normal.

“Of course it’s your fault. Have you seen me?” I gestured to myself, swamped in a sweatshirt and shorts like a weather-confused idiot. If the clashing clothing wasn’t enough, my make up had smeared from constantly rubbing my eyes. “I’m an angel.” I concluded, intending it to be sarcastic but knowing that he really saw me that way.

And sure enough, Spencer looked me over for just one second before pulling into the parking lot to his apartment complex. “You’re spoiled.” He decided.

“Doesn’t feel that way right now.” I whined, chewing on my bottom lip as I continued to wait for his attention.

But he just parked my car, leaning over to grab his bag from between my legs. Before it got too far, though, I clamped my legs around the leather. “Stop ignoring me!” I said through a pout, only getting more heated as he chuckled in response, tugging on the satchel until it slid from between my legs.

Finally, after what felt like forever, Spencer’s eyes locked with mine, his other hand grabbing my chin and forcing my bottom lip out from between my teeth. He held my mouth open against my resistance, but as soon as I gave into his hold, he relaxed his grip, leaning forward and pressing a much-too-soft kiss against my lips.

Without even fully breaking away, he turned my head to the side to whisper in my ear, “Get inside and I’ll make it up to you.”

Life was returning to normal. Together we excitedly stumbled through the Langham apartment complex until we got to his door, and he fumbled to unlock it without letting me go.

Everything about the chaos felt comfortable and predictable. I didn’t even notice the dull throbbing in my stomach because Spencer’s hands felt like home. The insistent noise of all my messy insecurities was quieted by his lips trailing down my jaw and neck as we finally crossed the threshold.

“Watching you with Henry, I just...” Spencer began to mumble against my neck, our bodies gravitating toward his room with a complete lack of grace, considering how well I should know the layout by now. We made it to the door, but not his bed, as he pressed me against the wall right on the other side.

His lips were slightly swollen from how feverishly he’d kissed me, his breathing ragged and his hair wild from where my hands had raked through it a few too many times. But his eyes were what really caught my attention, staring into me so deeply that it caused a shiver to roll down my spine. Spencer sensed my hesitance, because he brought a gentle hand to my face before he spoke, quietly but surely.

“I want to marry you one day. You know that, right?”

I thought about before; how those words would have filled me with both a naive joy and overwhelming anxiety. But as I stood there, staring back at him, I felt a genuine smile spreading across my lips.

“We speak in a lot of ‘one days,’ Dr. Reid.”

I couldn’t tell the effect the words had on him, although I had a few guesses. I’d avoided the part of the sentence he’d meant for me to hear the loudest. We both knew I’d heard it. At the same time, I hadn’t denied the idea or given any reason to suggest I wasn’t happy about the statement.  

“I’m serious.” He insisted, not ready to drop the subject just yet.

Unfortunately for him, though, I had other plans. As much as the talk of marriage gave me butterflies, there were more immediate needs I wanted him to fulfill. So, without saying anything, I subtly suggested that he put off the conversation and switch to other activities with a firm hand against the bulge that had already formed in his pants.

“God, I want to fuck you.” He immediately groaned, his head lolling forward and resting against mine. I figured that it would be harder to convince him to fuck me now that he wasn’t drunk, but he seemed even more willing now that we’d already made the leap of faith once. Nothing bad had happened to me then, and the dramatic improvement of my mood was helpful for both of us.

So I began to slide down the wall, my hands raking down his chest as I giggled, “Let me help you.”

Spencer’s hands moved so quickly and with such strength that it surprised the both of us. Luckily, he’d grabbed my hips instead of my stomach, halting me before I could drop to my knees.

“No.” He firmly corrected, lifting me back to my normal height before turning the two of us around so that my back was to the bed. “It’s my turn.”

Much gentler now, he helped lower me onto the bed, but he didn’t follow me yet.

“Take off your clothes.” He instructed me as he removed his own.

I listened, watching him intently to try and determine his plans before he actually got to me. But he kept his expressions to a minimum, only giving away his enthusiasm in watching me sheepishly remove my clothing. My shirt was still on when he climbed onto the bed and over my body.

“I want to see you.” There was something pitiful about the way he uttered the words, and my hands hesitated, holding tightly to the hem of my shirt as I avoided his eyes.

“You have an eidetic memory, Spencer. You know what it looks like.”

“I’ll never stop wanting to see you. You’re so beautiful, (y/n).” He used my name, and my body reacted just as quickly as he realized his mistake. Grabbing my arms before I could close them over me, he brought my wrists against the bed beside my head. “You can leave it on for now.”

What he said provided me all the context I needed to know what he was planning, and I locked my legs around him, hoping that I could stall him for a few moments.

“Please, Spencer. Please fuck me.” I begged, arching my back and baring my neck to him, knowing that he could see my erratic pulse in my neck.

“I can’t. Not yet.” His voice was strained, one hand raised so that his fingers could brush over my neck. “It won’t be much longer.”

Frustrated by his undying desire to take care of me, I used my hand that he’d released to grab a handful of his hair. “I want to feel you inside of me again.” I moaned through the words, my heels digging into his back and bringing his hips down to meet mine. I watched as his eyelids fluttered shut, his breath hitching in his throat.

“I want to see the look on your face when you fill me up.” I continued, bucking up in search of the delicious friction I’d been deprived of for months now. “I know what you’re thinking when you do it.”

“F-fuck.” He struggled to lower his hand to hold my hips down, but I could tell he was scared he would hurt me in the process. It was a dangerous game, to ever put me in this position when neither of us had pants on. Spencer’s confidence wavered as he choked on his words, “This isn’t going to work.”

“You can’t think about that if I’m not touching you.”

“Yes, I can.” He responded with no hesitation, his eyebrows raising in a challenge.

“But isn’t it so much more fun when it’s actually possible?” I cooed.

“It’s always possible, it’s just so unlikel— Fuck!” Spencer cut off by his own gasp when I finally succeeded in pulling him against my heat.

The noise that I gave was something between a sigh and a moan, and I swore I saw Spencer’s pupils dilate in response. There were just some things he couldn’t hide, no matter how hard he tried. But my satisfaction was short lived, and Spencer sat up on his knees to place a manageable distance between us.

“We’re not doing this.” He growled through clenched teeth, his nails raking over my thighs before he removed them entirely. “Stop being a greedy fucking brat and spread your legs.”

I waited a second, hoping that Spencer would get impatient and force my legs open himself. But he flashed me a look, warning me that if I didn’t behave, he could very easily just send me to bed without any satisfaction. And as much as I wanted to call his bluff, the idea of going to bed without getting to touch him was so upsetting.

So, I slowly dropped my legs open, running my hands over the skin still burning from where his hands had touched me. And even slower, Spencer lowered himself until his face rested against my thigh, the scruff of his cheek causing a shiver to run up my body.

“Don’t tell me that a few months of me pampering you has undone all of my hard work.” He murmured so softly I almost didn’t hear it.

But the fact that I did was evidenced by my laugh. “That would imply you’ve actually accomplished something to undo, but I’m just as bratty as the day you met me, Dr. Reid.”

He smiled, his eyes focusing on my face as I continued to giggle, now urged on by the way his breath tickled my inner thigh. “Is that right?” He said in that familiar cocky voice. “Because I happen to recall that the first time that I did this, you tried to stop me.”

The blood rushed to my cheeks as my mind replayed the memory of his smirk from when he had held my legs open for him.

‘You’re not broken, little girl. Promise.’ Just the thought of the words was enough to cloud my mind, but I was dedicated to besting him in this exchange. If he was going to be arrogant, then I would give him the best challenge I could.

“Would you rather I fought you?” I asked, beginning to pull my legs shut before he grabbed them and pulled them over his shoulders.

“No. The instructions for tonight should be very easy to follow; even for you.”

I was trying to pay attention, but it was getting harder the closer he came to actually fucking doing something. It was so obvious that he was getting off on the way my eyes were barely able to stay open, my chest moving with each half-sob that came when he would lay a kiss against my hips.

“What are they?” I slurred, grabbing handfuls of the sheets to prevent myself from forcing him against me.

It was clearly the exact question he was waiting for, a devilish smirk stretching over his cheeks as he dragged his lips down to where I wanted them, moving them against my skin to say, “Stay still, and don’t be quiet.”

While I appreciated the instruction, I feared that it was in vain. Because when Spencer finally flattened his tongue against me, I couldn’t have stopped myself from immediately crying out if I tried.

My hands retained their death grip on the sheets, partially making up for the fact that my body immediately disobeyed his command to stay still. But I couldn’t help it; the long strokes of his tongue up and down my sex felt like pure bliss. And honestly, it wasn’t even just the physical sensations. It was just the knowledge that we were back where we should be; shamelessly indulging in our need for each other without inhibitions. Spencer was clearly enjoying himself, his hands struggling to gently hold me down while he devoured me like a man starved.

I couldn’t look at him, my head bent so far back I could see the headboard. His name fell from my mouth like a mantra, my hips rolling against each motion of his tongue.

“I missed you.” I cried, my legs once again locking around him, my heels on his back as I wished I could pull him closer. “I missed this so badly, Spencer.”

He couldn’t really answer, although I think the moan that he gave was meant to be a response. The vibrations almost sent me over the edge, but right before they could, he pulled back ever so slightly.

I glanced down to figure out why, and was met with his eyes watching me intently, analyzing every response I was giving him; memorizing the way my body shook with need after just a few weeks in his absence.

“Please, don’t stop.” I begged, not caring how pathetic the words sounded when they broke in my throat.

“Oh, I’m not.” He mumbled against me, raising his lips to close around the bundle of nerves at my crest.

At first, I just sighed, appreciating the soft flicks and swirls of his tongue that would eventually build up another release. But it was when I closed my eyes that he revealed his plan.

Without any warning, I felt his finger slip between my folds, thrusting into me with one fluid motion as my wanton moans filled the room. He didn’t let them distract him, his mouth intent on the rhythm it had set, and his hand insistently working to match it.

There was nothing comprehensible in the noises I made, and neither of us seemed to mind. Spencer was only urged on, quickly adding a second finger in his ruthless pace that finally forced me to release the wrinkled sheets in my hands. Instead, they wound through his hair, pulling me against him as I chased my release.

“Please.” I whined, hoping that he would know what I was asking for. Because I didn’t even know what I was asking for— just that he could give it to me.

And sure enough, he did, his fingers beginning to curl inside of me with each motion. I used all of the energy I could muster had to keep my hips relatively still, although they were still trembling with the tension spreading through my muscles that tightened around him.

I wanted to call out his name, to give him the praise and recognition he deserved, but my tongue was tied in the haze of pleasure that overtook me. I could barely breathe, my mind transported to some alternate universe where there was only Spencer and myself. There was no point in identifying where we diverged, because he felt so much like a part of me in that moment, I could never separate from him again.

My walls fluttered around his fingers that still pumped into me with the same vigor. His tongue continued to circle my clit while he gently sucked, clearly lost in his own form of pleasure from the activity.

I wished I could touch him more. I wanted to drag him up to my lips, turn him onto his back and ride him until my legs gave out. But I couldn’t; my body tired and no longer used to the energy we once made a habit of spending on each other on any given day. It had used that energy to dull the pain so I could enjoy the relatively tame experience we had just shared.

As I came down from my orgasm, I was filled with guilt over the fact that I hadn’t so much as touched him once in this entire encounter, and now my hands weren’t even able to keep my grip on his hair as he lifted his head.

Spencer seemed none the wiser about the shame brewing in my head, and he wiped his mouth to reveal a lovesick smile beneath his hand.

“Good girl.” He rasped, crawling up to my side rather than on top of me. With a tender hand, he brushed aside the strands of my hair that stuck to the sweat on my face. “I knew you could behave.”

He sounded so proud of me, which only served to intensify the guilt now pouring from my heart and tainting the rest of what should have been a beautiful memory. I clung to the little bit of light I saw in those toffee eyes.

“How dare you imply I’m ever capable of such a thing.” I chuckled, reaching out to hold him somehow.

He took my hand in his, raising it to his lips for a brief kiss before resting them both against his heart.

“Can I help you?” I sounded drunk from my exhaustion, but hopefully determined enough to convince him I was willing. He didn’t buy it.

“No, go to sleep.”

He leaned forward like he was going to kiss me, but then brought his fingers down over my eyes, brushing over my lids in an attempt to get me to close them. To his credit, it worked, but only for a second before they snapped back open.

“That’s not fair!” I murmured, pulling the sheet over me while I tried to sneak closer to him. I noticed the way he scrutinized my free hand’s movements, ready to stop it from doing too much.

‘It’s gonna be like that, huh?’ I didn’t let it stop me from trying. I didn’t even get to his bellybutton before he snatched my wrist.

“I said no.”

“You know... I could help you without touching you.” I offered instead, pressing my hand against his chest since he wouldn’t let it move any lower. “It’s not the first time we’ve touched ourselves for each other.”

Spencer snorted at the reference, bringing my hands up to his neck, where they happily ran through his now tangled hair.

“That didn’t end well for me last time.”

“I bet you still finished without me.” I teased, my tongue slipping out from my mouth.  “Did my pictures come in handy?”

“Like you said— I have an eidetic memory. I don’t need pictures.”

The most noticeable part of his response wasn’t the way his cheeks turned pink, but rather that he didn’t deny that he’d used the pictures. Knowing they were long gone now, considering Penelope’s tendency to snoop too much for her own good, I wondered if that memory was filed away somewhere special in his mind.

“You especially don’t need them when I’m right here.” I purred, tugging him closer by his hair until the gap between us was gone, our lips pressed feverishly against the other.

It was always like that. Like the second we touched, the proverbial dam between us turned to dust. Within a matter of seconds, we’d be so wrapped up in each other that we didn’t care about the wreckage left in our wake.

Spencer didn’t let it get that far, though. He hadn’t in some time.

“You have had enough excitement for one day. I don’t need anything.” He clarified, clearing his throat and acting like I couldn’t feel his erection pressed against my thigh. Still, his next statement was so genuine I couldn’t have argued with it if I tried. “I just wanted to take care of you. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

But on the topic of wanting, I knew I felt it more. “I want things to be normal again.” I answered quickly, an urgency blooming in my throat that died when I tried to finish the thought. “I feel so... useless.”

His hand has grabbed my chin before I even noticed its absence on my hip. He held my face towards him, a dark and pained timbre in his voice.

“Don’t ever think that.”

It was a plea. I wanted to give him the relief and assurance he sought, but my gut told me to be honest with him, even if it hurt us.

“It’s just that before, we... did so much more and I’m scared that I won’t...”

Why was it so hard? He was looking at me like he would do anything to stop me from feeling even the slightest discomfort, but I felt like I was suffocating. I didn’t want to disappoint him. I didn’t want him to worry. I wanted to make him as happy as he made me, but...

“I’m scared that I won’t ever be able to do it again.”

He couldn’t tell me that I was wrong. If he tried to make it only about my physical condition, he risked the chance of me telling him I don’t want to do it ever again. Did I feel that way? It was hard to tell; it was too early to tell. But the crushing despair that I felt at the thought of losing that part of our relationship suggested I did not feel that way.

“Hey. Look at me.” Spencer’s voice tore me away from the intrusive thoughts about our inevitable fallout, his hand still holding me in place in front of him, and his eyes still promising me the world.

“Just because we’ve done something before doesn’t mean we ever have to do it again.”

The words felt like the first breath after struggling for air underwater and finally breaking the surface just in the nick of time. Why were they such a relief? I couldn’t figure it out, but was too afraid to ask, fearing how Spencer might take it. Although, the tears pooling at my lashes gave him more than enough to read.

“Tell me you understand.” His request was as gentle as always. After a moment of trying, and failing, to collect myself, I nodded.

He sighed, cautiously moving his palm to cup my cheek. It was his voice that broke then. “I know this is hard, but I need you to use your big girl words for this. I need to make sure you hear me.”

“I understand.” My throat ached as I forced the words out. I could tell he wasn’t convinced but knew any argument would be meaningless while we were both so tired.

“Thank you.” He said, anyway. And like the prettiest sounding broken record, he let his fingertips trail over any exposed area he could find as he spoke the same words I’d heard before, even more insistent. “Even if you never touched me again, just knowing that you’re alive and happy... That alone makes the happiest man in the world.”

Spencer’s lips pressed against my forehead, resting there for a little too long. From the uneven shake of his breath, I knew he was hiding something, but didn’t want to ask what. I suspected they were tears.

I had disappointed him again. I had hurt him, yet again. I hadn’t meant to.

“It’s all that I need. To know that you’re happy.” There was an implicit message hiding in those words.

He was saying he wanted me to be happy, consciously neglecting to voice the resigned addition, ‘even if it’s not with me.’

“I know.” I whispered, half asleep as he continued drawing patterns on my skin. I meant to tell him that he was the only man who’d ever made me feel truly happy, safe, and loved— the only one I trusted with my heart. But all that came out was a simple, “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” He said back, leaving me to wonder if he’d heard what I meant.

—————————————————

After everything I’d been through, I’d sworn that I would never want to be in a hospital ever again. But, unfortunately for me, it seemed my stubbornness extended even to my own limits, which explained why I was currently walking through the doors of the residential inpatient ward. It was a good idea in theory, to volunteer in the last place I wanted to be so that I could grow used to being there again.

It didn’t have to be a scary place.

Especially since the people around me weren’t the typical hospital patients. In fact, the people there weren’t even the usual patients of the hospital. Apparently, the ward was hosting a group of traveling patients that had been deemed fit for a vacation to the nation’s capital.

My assignment was simple enough - simply meet with a person and discuss the book they were currently reading. There was no requirement that we had to have read the book before, considering that would leave most people without a partner at all.

I was expecting to meet someone to discuss some niche romance novel or whatever had recently come out in theaters, but as I scanned the list of books, one stuck out to me more than the others.

The Book of Margery Kempe (1501).

It wasn’t the book itself that piqued my interest— I’d never read it. I had, however, listened to Spencer explain the entire premise to me on several occasions. Unsurprisingly, no one else volunteered for the book from the fifteenth century that referred to the main character as “this creature.” No one until me, that is.

There was no questioning who my partner was when I entered the room, spotting her quickly on the outskirts of the room with the book in her hand, but her eyes fixed on the raindrops slowly dripping down the window.

“Hi, are you Diana?”

She jumped a little at the sound of my voice, and I tried not to be consumed by guilt for surprising her despite my best efforts not to.

“Who are you?”

“I’m (y/n). I’m sorry if I scared you. I was assigned to be your book buddy today.” I explained, gesturing to the book on her lap with a smile that wasn’t big enough to be fake. From what the nurses had told me about her, I figured it was best to just be as genuine as possible… which made my answer to her next question a little more difficult.

“You’ve read this book?”

“Actually, I haven’t. No one had.” I laughed, pulling another chair over to her before taking a seat. “But I have heard someone go through basically the entire story in their own words, so...” I never finished the thought, cut off by a slight scoff from the woman.

“I figured. You’re very young.”

“Hey! Young people can read the classics.” I defended, crossing the lower half of my legs and tucking my hands between my knees. It probably gave away some of my nerves, but I figured it was alright considering she wasn’t a profiler and Spencer wasn’t here.

“But you don’t.” She wryly noted.

“Guilty. My boyfriend does, though.” I acquiesced, albeit a bit distracted as my mind decided to focus on those memories rather than the current reality.

“At least you’ve got that exposure. It’s important to learn these things.”

For a second, it felt like I was being lectured by my boyfriend, making it hard not to laugh, which I was pretty sure she didn’t appreciate.

“Can you tell me about it? I want to know if my boyfriend was just making stuff up.” I shrugged, laughing while I found myself avoiding her eyes. She noticed that behavior; most people would.

But to my surprise, she started to explain the book, anyway. Less surprising was the realization that Spencer hadn’t made up any of it. It was clear as day from their similar words that they had definitely read the same book. And if I didn’t know any better, I’d have thought they’d discussed it together, too.

She was more talented than he was at explaining, though. Maybe it was a little bit my fault, considering I always got distracted by his voice. But with her, it really did feel like someone sharing a part of themselves. I could tell how deeply she cared for literature, and it made me more excited to hear about the chaste holy woman that found herself tempted by jealousy and sex.

When her story was winding to an end, I was almost sad that it was over. “You must have been a professor.” I mumbled, having already forgotten the information I was given by the nurses.

She was quick to correct me, her mouth curling into a frown as she said, “I still am. I’m just not on the campus anymore.”

“Of course. Gotta stay sharp, right?” I half-heartedly joked, sitting up from my slouched position. A brief stint of silence stretched between us and glancing at the clock I realized that it would still be a little while until Spencer could come get me. So, I turned back to the woman in front of me, noticing the way she stared out the window as she chewed on her nails.

“Is that why you wanted to visit D.C.?” I wondered aloud, and her response didn’t help assuage that curiosity at all.

“I... have another reason.”

“That sounds very mysterious, Diana.” I giggled, leaning forward and whispering, “Are you secretly a rebel?”

She scoffed, but I detected amusement behind the apparent derision. “Nothing like that.”

As sneaky and vague as she was being, and the fact that I had been warned of her paranoia, I still found myself wanting to ask her what could possibly make her as happy as her current thought.

“So what is it?” I said, leaning back in an effort to seem less insistent, explaining my intentions in a rant reminiscent of my boyfriend. “I don’t mean to pry, I just... you got really happy and I’d love to share in that excitement.”

“That’s just selfish.”

She really was so much like him.

“That’s how you know I won’t judge you.” I pointed out, raising one hand in the air and placing the other on my heart.

“I’m not worried about that.” She just waved her hand at me, ignoring my dramatic gesticulations and sighing as she glanced down at the book once more. After another moment of contemplation, her eyes flicked up to me so quickly I almost missed them, analyzing my features one more time before she carefully said, “I’m here to visit my son.”

“That sounds wonderful.”

Although her expression was anxious, she still seemed at least a little relieved to have shared her plans with someone.

“He is.” She returned, lightly brushing the back of the book, almost like she was trying to remember something etched on the beveled hardcover. “He’s a good boy. Very bright. He has wonderful adventures. He goes all over the country. He used to tell me everything but... he’s gotten too busy for his mother these past few years.”

As I took in the words, I felt the pain in her voice. My heart wrenched in my chest, imagining how awful it must be to not have a chance to talk to your family. “I’m sure he doesn’t mean to ignore you.” At least, I hoped not. She had so many stories to tell, even in just this short window, I couldn’t imagine anyone would want to avoid her. Then again… I knew it could be hard.

“I know he’s busy. That’s why I wanted to come here. It makes it easier for him.” She was confident in her explanation, and I nodded back with similar gusto.

“Have you talked to him yet?”

“No. I’m going to have them call him today.”

We were both happy then, and I clapped my hands together in front of me to suppress the urge to touch her as I excitedly replied, “I hope you get to see him.”

“Me too,” she agreed, simultaneously hopeful and defeated, before turning back to the window with the same wistfulness as before. “If not, the museums will be nice, too.”

“Hey, if you need a docent, I could always call my boyfriend. He would be so excited to talk to a fellow scholar who could actually follow along.” I excitedly replied, rocking forward in my chair with a goofy grin at the thought. She reminded me enough of him that I figured the two would get along. He’d at least understand what she talked about, unlike me.

“There’s no one that can compare to my son.” She warned, narrowing her eyes and pouting in a way I swore I’d seen before on another face.

“I bet. He does sound a lot like him, though. I bet they’d be friends.” The gears in my brain, rusted and slightly worn, started to turn. “They actually might be... my boyfriend lives near here.”

And that was when it hit me, the obvious conclusion I’d been avoiding for some reason. That creeping, unsettling familiarity wasn’t from coincidence; it was my brain recognizing her as an extension of the man I loved.

“...What’s your son’s name?”

She never got to answer, because no sooner had I finished saying the words thanwe both heard Spencer’s voice from the door behind us.

“Mom?”

The realization crashed into all three of us like a goddamn freight train. And even with my flair for the dramatic, I found my head spinning as I tried to will time to rewind itself.

“Spencer? How did you know I was here?” Diana said through a confused gasp, turning to me to see the equally stunned look on my face.

“I didn’t… I—“

They both turned to me, but I was too busy staring halfway between them, my jaw dropped open and my brain suddenly devoid of any helpful thought.

When it decided to finally be helpful, it was only marginally better. “Well… that makes a lot of sense.” I said with a cringeworthy laugh. When neither of them laughed, and continued to stare at me, I quickly shot up from my chair and waved a shaking hand. “You should talk to your mom. I’ll give you guys a minute.”

I didn’t get very far before Spencer’s hand caught my wrist, his wild eyes wide and insistent as he crackled, “Actually, I need a minute alone with you. If that’s okay.”

I turned to Diana for her permission but found nothing useful. She was also still caught up in the disaster that had just occurred, and turned back to her son who seemed genuinely apologetic.

“Sorry mom, I’ll… I’ll be right back.”

Spencer nearly dragged me out of the room, shutting the door and hiding out of sight of any windows. If he was ready to unleash his pent up anxiety, though, he wasn’t quick enough.

“Spencer, what the shit?!” I whisper-yelled, the sound echoing through the sterile hallway.

My boyfriend didn’t have any answers, his hands raking through his hair as he clearly tried to calm his heart and rapid breath. “I’m sorry I— I didn’t know that she was here! What is she doing here?!”

“Oh my god. Shut up. I’m freaking out. What if she thinks I’m weird?” I rambled back, grabbing my chest once I realized that I was freaking out just was badly as the idiot in front of me. Because seriously, he couldn’t tell me his mom’s name so I wouldn’t be blindsided like this?

Then again, I guess I couldn’t talk.

“What did you say to her?” He whispered back, dragging his hands over his face. He seemed eerily calm while asking, considering just how much we could have gotten into during our conversation. Although, I guess it would have been weird to share the more intimate, embarrassing details with a stranger at a hospital.

“I don’t know! We just talked about you!”

“You talked about me?!”

“Well we didn’t know we were both talking about you!” I said was quietly as possible, which was not quiet at all. Waving my arms between us, I tried to explain the jumbled mess in my head. “She was talking about her son and I was talking about my boyfriend and— Actually, that reminds me.”

“What?”

His answer came in the form of a soft thwack on the back of his head. He jumped, raising his hands to his head in both shock and embarrassment at the public chastisement, despite there being no one around to witness it.

“Call your mother, asshole!”

“Ow?! Don’t hit me!” He whined, and I could tell from the tone that the only damage done was to his ego.

“Stop ignoring your mother! You shouldn’t even be out here!” I reminded him, laying my hands against his chest and beginning to push him back towards the door. “Get back in there!”

Spencer’s hands held onto mine, and for the first time in a while I noticed that they were shaking. The lighthearted panic I’d felt seconds before vanished, replaced with a painful sadness that seemed to bleed from him into my hands.

“I’m not trying to ignore her, I just…” His eyes were struggling to focus, and the crackle in his voice warned me that there was something he was trying to avoid saying. “I can explain… This.”

I didn’t need to hear it.

“Explain what?” I meant the question to be an expression of my feelings, but it seemed to freak him out more. Like I actually expected an answer for why his mother was in a program like this. Like the reason he had kept that from me mattered. I already knew the reason he didn’t tell me— It was pretty obvious.

“Spencer, I don’t care that she’s here. That doesn’t bother me.”

From the faraway look in his eyes, I knew he didn’t really believe me. I couldn’t blame him entirely. The shame was clear on his features. But I also knew that nothing I could say in that moment would make him believe me; it would probably take a long time. That was okay. We had time.

“I’m serious. She’s your mother and you love her, so of course I’m going to like her.” I tried to reassure him anyway, and I noticed the small twitch of his pout that slowly turned into a pitiful smile.

Trying to keep that upward trend, I motioned to my absolutely ridiculous outfit and bedhead before I laughed, “I’m mostly just mortified about the fact that I just met your mother looking like this and acting like a fucking moron.”

Thankfully, Spencer laughed back. His hands gripped mine tighter, and through the tears that stayed perched on his eyes without falling, he croaked, “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. Just… go see your mom. I’ll go hang out in the cafeteria for a minute.” I jumped up on my toes, yanking my hands back only to them around his neck.

His arms caught me like they always did, holding me so tightly against him that I could feel his heartbeat against my chest. I kissed him just as hard, trying to remind him that there was nothing in the world that could ruin the happiness I felt when he held me.

I held his face as the kiss ended, squishing his cheeks together and warping his smile in the process. I was just grateful that it was still there.

“And take your time talking to her, because I am fucking starving.” I instructed. The crisp hospital air on my skin was cold as he left, but inside my chest, butterflies erupted that kept me warm. He gave me one final goofy wave before we went our separate ways again.

As I wandered through the hospital halls, I wondered if he knew how nervous I actually was. I couldn’t tell him yet; he would misinterpret it, regardless of his profiling skills. He would see the anxiety in my interactions with her as my fear over his future mental state instead of what it really was— fear that the other woman he loved wouldn’t approve of me.

There was no sense in worrying about it yet. Diana and I had shared a great time together as far as I could tell, and I would definitely make sure that Spencer spent more time talking to her in the future. So as depressing as the hospital cafeteria could be, it wasn’t so bad that day.

—————————————————

Being alone with Diana was so much different after I’d learned that she was Spencer’s mother. Then again, we weren’t really alone - Spencer was there, he’d just passed out and somehow ended up with his head against the pillow on my lap. I was a little surprised by how comfortable he was being so touchy feely in front of his mother, but I’d also recognized the exhaustion the second he walked into the hospital. He’d been out cold for at least 10 minutes, and I was barely able to stay awake, myself.

Diana seemed wide awake, though, watching the minute rise and fall of Spencer’s shoulder as he slept. At least, I thought that was what she was watching, but it could have also been my hand stroking his arm.

“My son seems very happy.”

I looked up, shaken by the sudden sound after nearly falling asleep to the rhythm of Spencer’s breath against my knee. “I think that has more to do with you being here.” I said through a yawn.

“I’m not so sure.” That was all she said, quiet and skeptical. Her eyes were scrutinizing everything she could see, and I thanked the stars that I didn’t have to go through this without him here, at least. At least we’d had one nice memory together first.

“Are you the reason he’s been so busy?”

I was dreading the question but had already planned my response. “I hope not. His job is so stressful, and he spends so much of his free time taking care of me.” I looked down at the mop of brown hair that hadn’t been brushed.

When I ran my hand through the ends of his curls, he shifted on my lap, his hand coming up to grab my thigh as he buried his face into the pillow. I chuckled at the clingy movements, which poorly contrasted my words.

“It makes me feel awful.”

I expected her to look disappointed or disturbed by the action, but she mostly just looked… sad.

“He’s good at taking care of people.” She explained, her head jerking away to stare at the lamp beside her. “I made him do it too often.”

Her answer hurt me in more ways than one. It hurt me because I felt the guilt and shame in her voice over something that she had no control over, which was obviously something that should never happen. But it also hurt because I heard myself in it, and I had to ask myself if, just like I had found traits of my father in Spencer, he’d found his mother in me.

Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t be ashamed of being like her - she was brilliant and obviously cared for him deeply. It was the source of the shame that frightened me.

Was he just with me to take care of me? How soon would he grow tired of that? What would happen when I got better? Would I ever? Did I even want to, if that meant he would leave?

They were terrible, awful thoughts to have. So, I did what I was best at, and shoved them back into the corner of my mind to revisit when I was desperate and alone.

“I think he would disagree. He obviously loves you very much.” Was what I said, instead.

“I could say the same for you.” There was a slight bitterness in her words that forced a frown out of me. The words were forceful, almost like a compulsion that she wanted to fight but was too tired to win. She seemed to regret that, too.

“I know my son... and I’ve never seen him like this before.” She pointed to him on my lap, still sound asleep despite the conversation happening above him. “I don’t think he’s ever slept that well with me. And…”

Part of me wanted to tell her that it wasn’t always like this. I wanted her to know that it had nothing to do with any failing of her own, but a failing on the part of the rest of the world for hurting him when neither of us had been there. But she probably felt the same guilt I did that we couldn’t fix those broken parts. Her eyes met mine, and in the reflection, I saw both of our apprehension.

“I’ve never felt like a girl was taking my son away from me before.”

The breath wasn’t knocked from me, but it did fall out of me in a slow, shaky exhale. I didn’t know what to say back, terrified by the implication behind the words just as much as the fact she felt them.

“He’ll always be yours first.” I promised her, refusing to look away from her eyes even as she refused to meet them. I needed her to know that I would never be a threat to them. That all I wanted or cared about was that he was happy and safe, and that I knew she felt the same.

“Then he should call me more.” Diana said, wry humor bleeding back into the conversation despite how heavy it had become.

“I’ll make sure he does.” I answered, my hands resuming their gentle soothing motions. I saw her hand mimicking the actions against her blanket and found myself wondering about things I’d never ask her. I knew virtually nothing about his childhood aside from the prodigy thing, but it was clear that his father was not in the picture, and that he was very close with his mother.

I couldn’t blame her for wanting to protect him. Just as I had thought it, she’d said it herself.

“When you’re kind like my son, the world will eat you alive if no one is protecting you.”

Maybe Spencer had gotten that mind reading trait from his mother, rather than his profiler training, I thought.

“Are you going to protect him?”

I wasn’t ready for that question. Honestly, I hadn’t even considered it. In all the time we’d been together, I’d selfishly worried about how any harm to him would affect me. In my defense, it had always seemed the more likely scenario.

I was so worried about being the source of his hurt or not being able to fix it that I never thought about how I could prevent it. It almost felt… inevitable. Everyone who loved me got hurt, and he’d already made up his mind on that topic.

“I’m going to try.” The hesitance in my voice gave away my anxieties, and Diana spoke quicker and bolder. 


“You said he takes care of you, but what do you do for him?”

The walls were closing in on me, and I couldn’t fucking breathe. My hand on Spencer’s arm grabbed his shirt before I noticed. I wanted him to be awake, to hold me and tell me that it would be okay. I wanted to be far away from that conversation— that question.

“I-I…” I mumbled, trying to flatten my hand as his mother saw it, trying to act like I wasn’t a fucking child clinging to her boyfriend to save her from a question she didn’t have a satisfying answer to.

It was too late, and Diana covered her mouth as she looked away. “I see.” She said before we both went silent.

The silence didn’t help either, though. If anything, it felt worse. Like my chest had been torn open and she could see all the contents, and the longer I gave her to draw her own conclusions about what she saw, the worst they would become.

That was stupid, right? I couldn’t tell. She liked me, right? Did it matter?

“He told me he wants to get married and have kids and I’m just...” I started to ramble, my hands now hovering above Spencer as I stared down at him, still sleeping soundly like the world wasn’t crushing me above him. In a panic, I looked up to Diana with what I can only assume was a terrified, frantic look. “I’m worried. I’m scared that he won’t be as happy as he could be if he stays with me instead of... someone else. And that question scares me because I still don’t know why he cares about me so much when I can’t give him half of what he gives me.”

My chest heaved from a combination of the lack of breath and skyrocketing pulse. Diana peered at me through her peripherals, a battle visible behind her gaze.

“Most people would be scared to admit that. Especially to his mother.” She thought out loud, and I knew she was weighing my open admission to determine how likely it was that I was lying.

“I figured lying would be worse. I know honesty is important to your family.” I confessed, hoping that my openness wouldn’t come back to bite me in the ass. “I don’t ever want to lie to either of you.”

I left off the ‘again.’

“You know what I think?” Diana said, tapping her chin and readjusting the blanket over her legs as she found a way to be more comfortable with the tension floating in the air.

I took it as a good sign. I hoped it was a good sign. I looked at her in anticipation.

“I think... you two will be happier than you think.” Diana’s lips curled ever so slightly as she held her own hand, rubbing the back of her hand the same way Spencer often rubbed mine. “Love is more than similar beliefs. It’s wanting to share your life with someone. Wanting to see them happy.”

Despite the content of her words, it didn’t feel like a lecture. It was… warm, and comforting. Her voice sounded familiar and loving and safe. She was the one who had taught Spencer to talk.

“I love my son more than anything else in the world. I won’t let anyone take him away unless I’m positive that he will be happy.” Diana finished; the warning grave but her voice quiet.

“I understand.” I replied just as softly, finally looking back down to Spencer. My heart felt like it would burst from the image. As much as I wanted him to see me and his mother having a heart to heart, it was best not to worry him with our battling affections, no matter how minimal the risk.

“Do you love him?”

The question hung in the air because I was still so caught up in his face that I almost forgot she couldn’t read my mind.

“Yes.” I felt the tears forming in my eyes as I breathlessly repeated, “Yes, I do. I love him.”

Diana must have heard the strain in my voice and seen the tiredness in my eyes, because the threatening tone faded. “Then take care of him.” She said, more like a plea than a demand. “Take care of him like I never could, because you know how much he deserves it.”

I nodded, excitedly and happily, my voice breaking and interrupted by a hard swallow to rid myself of the lump in my throat when I said, “I will.”

With perfect timing, Spencer’s body jerked under my hand as it found its way back to his shoulder. “What are you guys talking about?” He slurred before even opening his eyes, clearly bothered by the lost time wherein his mother and I could have spoken about any number of horrifying things.

“We were just saying it’s time for me to head out.” I lied, and Diana’s sly smirk was enough of an indication for me to feel alright about it. It was funny—I’d just told her I never wanted to lie to him, but this one seemed pretty harmless. She deserved alone time with her son, after all.

“Do you want me to drive you?” He finally sat up, rubbing his face to try and get rid of the creases that had formed from the pillow’s texture.

I laughed at the question because he was so obviously not in a position to drive. It wouldn’t be the first time I’d gotten an Uber after leaving his place, and I was sure it wouldn’t be the last. At least this time wasn’t a walk of shame.

“No, I’m fine. You stay here and spend time with your mom. Awake, this time.” I warned, poking him on the nose and earning a playful giggle from the grown man at my side. “She came a long way. She deserves it.”

He quickly got me back, grabbing my face and pulling me forward to plant a kiss on my forehead. And as much as I would have preferred one on the lips, I was grateful for his sudden modesty in front of his mother. It still felt strange.

“Okay. I love you. Drive safe please. And tell me when you get home.” He instructed as I nodded along, already having memorized the speech from every time I’d ever left him.

“Of course.” I murmured through a somewhat embarrassed pout before I got up and grabbed my things.

Before I made my way to the door, I stopped, turning to see Spencer take the seat beside his mother. She took his hand, but she looked at me. I thought about hugging her but knew that Spencer’s company was far superior to mine, and that every second I distracted her was one less she got with him. So, I settled for a wave and a smile.

“Goodnight Diana. Thanks for the talk.”

“Goodnight.” She returned, with a contented smile washing over her as her son rested his head on her shoulder. The final image of the two of them happy in each other’s company was enough to satisfy me until the next time I saw him. Because, like we’d just discussed, he was happy, and that was all that mattered.

As I opened the door to leave, she spoke again. “Thank you.” She said, and I knew she was talking about more than the conversation.

“Anytime.”

—————————————————

| Part 19 |

[captain039]

We can take care of each other PART 3

Hank x reader x Connor

Warnings: ABO, poly relationship, swearing, police things, Intimate, sexual, harassment, Daddy Hank, anxiety, angst

Previous chapter <-

PART 3

You awoke to Hanks phone ringing and him cursing it as he answered.

“What?” He grumbled as you heard a distant voice. You hadn’t moved from your spot on Connor. You yawned and rolled onto your back stretching.

“Did you sleep well detective?” He asked and you nodded dazed.

“Can’t Reed handle it the pricks there” Hank snapped.

“Yeah, whatever” he hung up and laid back down.

“Assholes” he muttered and you chuckled softly. He laid down with a soft thud from the mattress. You still cuddled into Connor he must’ve put his heaters on or something because you were toasty warm.

“Did you put your heaters on?” You asked.

“Is it too warm?” Connor asked and you shook your head.

“No, just making me not wanna move” you chuckled.

“Fine by me” Hank sighed as you heard Sumo bark.

“There isn’t enough room buddy” Hank said and you heard Sumo whine.

“Aw, Sumo” you sat up slowly crossing your legs and pet the bed lightly. He jumped up, in your face licking and making weird noises. You laughed trying to control the big beast as he finally laid down.

“What time is it?” You asked frowning.

“It’s currently 2:33 pm” Connor said.

“Geez” you said realising you had napped for a while.

“You were rather exhausted detective” Connor said and you flushed. You glanced to Hank who smirked almost proud and you glared slightly huffing. Hank was relaxed for once, a small smile on his lips, eyes closed as he leant against the head rest, his breathing even and his scent inviting. You leant back to lean against his side and he chuckled softly.

“My phone on your table?” You asked and he grunted handing it to you.

“Thanks” you said opening it. You had a few messages and emails but ignored them for now as you scrolled through social media. Connor sat up also, stiff in his movements and not relaxing back, you guess he didn’t need to relax back his body wouldn’t hurt. Hanks arm draped around your middle while Connor stared.

“What are you doing?” Hank asked.

“In a sense I’m making a memory” Connor said.

“I can record certain things and save them” he added.

“You show this to anyone-“ you elbowed him gently.

“Thank you detective” Connor smiled and you smirked.

“Great” Hank sighed.

“Two against the old grumpy alpha” he grumbled and you laughed. Connor cracked a grin, laughing wasn’t his strongest suit yet.

The day went on with you staying in Hanks bed. You had relaxed and calmed down after what had happened this morning, you were content in the soft blanket and leaning against Hank. Connor made you some food which was nice before sitting down again. It was going smoothly till your job demanded attention.

You all headed to the crime scene three stabbings in a club. Upon entering the room you gulped it was a private room on the sex side of the club. One android, two humans. The android was in the corner looking beat up and ruined by a bat or something, then stabbed, the two humans were on the other wall with stab wounds on their chest area. You got their identity’s, the android was called Kyla the humans were Mason and Fay. Kyla was designed as a sex robot and stayed that way voluntarily. The other two were also workers here Fay a beta and Mason an omega.

“What you got Connor?” Hank called as Connor stood by the door analysing.

“It was the android that went first, hit with the bat then stabbed on that wall, the other two tried to stop it, signs of struggle, possible fight before being stabbed themselves” Connor said as he walked to the android and looked over it.

“I can probe it’s memory to see what happened” he said.

“Go ahead” Hank said leaving the room to brief. You looked over the body’s again, there was a fight, something had gone very wrong or the killer just got his victims in one room perfectly.

“The android wasn’t supposed to be here” Connor spoke.

“How come?” You asked as he stood.

“The android came in to check on the suspicious noise before being dragged in and beaten to death” you sighed nodding, poor thing.

“Any traces where our killer went or who they are?” You asked.

“There are traces of DNA under the victims nails, matching a Gen Collins” you nodded.

“Send me her information” you said grabbing a spare tablet. You looked through her profile, 30, alpha female, she was tall and built like she was in military. You glanced through her past, she was in military, got kicked out for violent tendencies. She’s been prescribed by a doctor for anger management medication and therapy though she never took.

“We got one anger issued alpha on the run “ you sighed to Hank.

“Yep” he grumbled.

“We got any leads?” He asked as Connor came over.

“Not yet” Connor said and you and Hank nodded.

“Right come on” Hank said to you and Connor and you both followed.

Back at the station you all went through files hoping to find her whereabouts, she was no doubt dangerous and pissed about something.

You were at your desk for hours, it was nighttime when you decided to look outside. You stopped your task and leant back stretching. Your back popped slightly and you sighed hunching back over before sitting up. Connor came over to you and you gave him your attention.

“Are you alright detective?” He asked a slight frown on his face.

“I’m alright” you smiled.

“I need food and a shower though” you said yawning.

“I’ll drive you home” Hank said from his desk.

“You got anything?” You asked talking about the case.

“A whole lot of fuck all” he grumbled shutting down the screen and stretching.

“I need a drink” he grumbled making you chuckle.

“Home it is” you said shutting off your screen also and standing.

Hank dropped you off like he said, Connor following you in your house again while Hank drove off.

“He’ll be ok, won’t be?” You asked hanging your coat up.

“I do believe the Lieutenant has cut down on drinking, so, yes he will” Connor assured and you nodded. You shook your head laughing slightly as you took out a quick microwave meal.

You sat and ate happy to get some food in your stomach even if it tasted horrible. Connor sat and watched TV, well at least you think he was.

“I’m gonna have a shower” you called placing your rubbish in the bin.

“Ok” was all Connor said and you nodded.

You washed and dried before getting dressed into your PJ’s, Connor was still on the couch. You stood by him but he hadn’t taken notice.

“Connor?” You asked, he blinked and looked to you.

“Sorry detective” he said.

“It’s alright” you chuckled.

“You ok?” You asked.

“Yes, just going through some files is all, I apologise” you shook your head and sat by him.

“Don’t apologise” you smiled.

“Find anything?” You asked curiously.

“It wasn’t for the case” he admitted and you frowned curious.

“What was it for?” You asked head tilting.

“If you wanna tell me” you added. If you didn’t know any better you’d say the blue in his cheeks represented a blush.

“I am required to fulfill my roll in taking care of you and Hank both emotionally and physically” you flushed a little as he spoke.

“You don’t have to take care of us, we take care of each other” you said.

“It’s not all on you, I’m just not good with this” you sighed.

“It’s new to me and though Hank was-“ you flushed remembering what happened earlier.

“Eager, we’re gonna have some issues” you mumbled.

“What issues?” Connor asked frowning slightly.

“Well me, I overthink overthinking, Hank Is insecure even if he doesn’t admit it, I’m trying to please both you and Hank, Hanks the only one with experience!” you rambled a bit realising you hadn’t thought this through.

“And Hanks distant” you sighed sagging into the couch.

“Maybe it was a bad idea” you said sadly.

“Y/n” Connor said and you looked to him, he rarely said your name.

“This wasn’t a bad idea, this will take time to get used to and figure our mission out together” you smiled at him.

“Though I don’t understand many things I am willing to learn” he added.

“And try” he said another blue tint to his cheeks.

“May I kiss you detective?” He asked and you smiled as your heart pounded. You nodded and he leant forward, you closed your eyes as he pressed his synthetic lips to yours. It felt like real ones only smoother, you hummed softly leaning up body eager again. He pulled back eyes in a daze as you smiled slightly.

“I have to return to cyber life for some adjustments soon” he said and you frowned.

“Are you ok?” You asked worried.

“I’m ok, they’re going to add features to my body and system” you frowned.

“I’ll be better equipped like a male alpha” you flushed at his words and leant back into the seat avoiding his eyes.

“Oh” you stuttered out.

“When- when is this?” You asked.

“Tomorrow” you nodded embarrassed.

“How long will you be gone?” You asked.

“Only for the night” you nodded again.

“Ok” you said softly.

You frowned as your phone buzzed. You answered and frowned when you heard a familiar voice.

“Jimmy?” You questioned and he sighed confirming. Connor frowned also leaning in.

“Can you come get Hank please” you glanced to Connor at his words.

“Mans messed up again” your heart sank.

“Im on my way” you hung up.

You quickly got dressed sort of and drove to Jimmy’s. Connor followed you as you walked in spotting Hank in the corner slumped over.

“What happened?” You asked Jimmy.

“He got drunk started babbling on about you and Connor before breaking down and passing out” you processed and sighed.

“Thanks” you muttered going to him.

“Hank” you said as you slid into the booth next to him.

“Hank” you dragged out. He gurgled out a sound and you raised an eyebrow.

“Perhaps I should support him to the car” Connor said.

“Yep” you agreed getting out of the seat.

“Hank” Connor said and Hank grumbled. He helped the man up who groaned and grumbled eyes opening and closing. He finally focused on you, your arms were on your hips.

“Why’re you glaring at me?” He said like a child.

“We’re going home” you rolled your eyes handing Jimmy some money as a tip.

“I’m sorry” you said and he shrugged.

As you drove Hank home the man grumbled the whole way there. You unlocked your door before taking him to the bathroom.

“Hank” you said as Connor sat him down on the toilet. The alpha looked around taking in his surroundings before taking you and Connor in.

“Fuck” Hank toppled over and you jumped back a bit.

You looked away as he threw up in the toilet. You held down your stomach and sighed going to get him a drink while Connor watched him.

The toilet flushed and you went back in with a glass of water.

“Thanks” he mumbled sipping it. He leant back against the cold tiles as did you as you sat down staring at him.

“Stop staring” Hank sighed.

“Hank we’re concerned” Connor said.

“Well be unconcerned” he slurred.

“Hank” you sighed sadly.

“What?” He scoffed slightly.

“You’re not my mum” he chuckled at his joke.

“No I’m your partner” you said.

“That’s unfortunate for you” he smirked.

“Hank” Connor said almost in warning.

“Shut up tin can” Hank huffed.

“Look at you both sad faced over me, it’s depressing shit man” he sighed.

“You know you’re probably better off leaving me here and going off with Connor” although he was drunk his words hurt.

“Hank-“ you said startled.

“I mean the fuck you want me for? Disgusting old, alpha, pervert with a pretty omega and perfect robocop over here” you bit back tears.

“I can’t give you a family, can’t give you what you need” you felt a tear roll don your face as he continued.

“I don’t want a family I just want you two” you said taking a deep breath.

“Maybe you’re fucked in the head too” you flinched at his words and clenched your jaw, he was just drunk.

“The fucked amigos!” He cheered and you glared at the floor.

“Hank you’ve upset the detective and me” Connor said.

“Yeah? And?” You stood and quickly left at his words.

You curled up in your bed tears rolling down your face. He didn’t want this, he didn’t want the three of you to be together, your alpha didn’t want you or Connor. You hugged your pillow tightly before a light knock came.

“Detective” it was Connor who called.

You didn’t answer so he let himself in.

“I’ve let the Lieutenant rest on your pull out couch, he’s unconscious I’m afraid” you sniffled and nodded.

“He’s just drunk” he muttered.

“Is he?” You turned to face him. Connor couldn’t answer.

“He doesn’t want me or you! Or us! Maybe I am fucked in the head, we’re all fucked in the head” you cried.

“I’m stupid for ever dreaming” you laid down again, back to Connor as you cried. Your mind was going wild you couldn’t handle the rejection he had just said. You tried to reason but there wasn’t anything to reason with.

The bed shifted but you didn’t move as Connor laid behind you. He slipped his arm under your head and another around your waist. You clutched your pillow tightly and cried softly.

Your tears dried and stuck to your face, your eyes were droopy as you tried to stay awake.

“Sleep” you heard Connor mutter as he pulled the blanket over you both. Your eyes closed and you sighed letting darkness take over.

Next chapter ->