#still processing a stressful + upsetting situation so here i am

[sewersewersewercouch]

Microphone and ADHD: yet another very rambly analysis

GUESS WHO’S WRITING LONG TUMBLR POSTS ABOUT MIC AGAIN!!!!

i’ve been trying to formulate this post in my brain for a while and i’m finally writing it. I should add a disclaimer here: while i’ve done my own research for this, i’m also mostly writing from my own experience, which a) obviously every case of adhd is different, and b) while adhd is my only diagnosis at present, there are various other things that i’m questioning and in the process of being evaluated for which might also bleed into my experiences with adhd. If there are any issues please feel free to point them out! Also i don’t want to imply that if you don’t have adhd you can’t relate to mic, i’m just discussing the things i personally am seeing in canon. Also also, if this is weird and disjointed and rambly, well, you signed up to read a very long post by someone from adhd about blorbo from their shows.

I think what first comes to mind with Mic and ADHD traits for me is her impulsivity. This is something we see trip her up again and again—for example, when she yells at Fan in Tri Your Best, not considering how the noise could boost him into the air and ahead of her, or in Mazed and Confused, when she calls after Knife in the maze without realizing that Test Tube is in there as well. (And yes, she didn’t hear Baseball say that Test Tube was in there, but if she’d thought before she’d acted she might have considered looking around to make sure there were no Bright Lights missing as well.) Hell, another example I noticed was that during Mine Your Own Business, when Taco and Knife are arguing, Mic physically shoves Knife into the gem, and like, not gently, either—he slams into it pretty hard. It’s been pretty well established at this point that Mic is very averse to physical violence, and she definitely wouldn’t do anything like that intentionally, but the fact of the matter is, when she’s stressed like that, she just kind of makes a snap action without using her head.

This also ties into my second point, her difficulties with emotional regulation, which is something that’s very common with ADHD. I kind of struggle to describe how this shows up in Mic, because honestly, a lot of her seemingly overblown reactions are more of a “straw that breaks the camel’s back” type of situation where she takes so much shit from her teammates that obviously, who wouldn’t be upset? However, I do think it’s fair to say that she’s someone who’s quite easily frustrated, and can have a tendency to lash out quite harshly when she’s in this state. For example, in A Kick In The Right Direction, she’s pissed off about being relegated to goalie, which is fair, but she takes this out on Dough, who wasn’t involved in this decision, just because he happens to be near her, and she’s, like…pretty mean about it, too? Like, when he says he’s bored she says “so am I but not enough to talk to you” and then later flat out tells him to jump off a bridge. Yes, this second one was after he was distracting her and the Bright Lights got a goal past her, but still, it does feel like a pretty dramatic reaction. Especially as in general, Mic’s demeanor is friendly and outgoing, she clearly is someone who cares a lot about others’ well-being, and she’s just a nice person all around, but when something gets under her skin she’s immediately on the defensive and says stuff like this.

Also, just in general, Mic is very outwardly emotional. It’s one of the ways the narrative contrasts her with Taco, who for much of the story is incapable of giving up her facade, whereas Microphone is incapable of not wearing her heart on her sleeve. You can usually at any given time tell from Mic’s expressions and tone exactly what she’s feeling. This is especially noticeable as she’s frequently in a position where she has to lie, and she is…not good at it. Some of the time she falls back on the aforementioned defensiveness—for example, in Alternate Reality Show, when Suitcase asks what she’s painting and she replies, “Uh, zilch! Why are you picking today to talk to me for the first time ever?” and when Knife immediately after asks why she was late, she says, “I got other places to be? What’s it to you?” A lot of the time, though, she just gets all nervous and awkward. Adorable, undeniably, but not helpful when she’s in the position she’s in. (I was very charmed to find that she keeps this trait even after the game, what with her telling Taco to act natural and then going “Heyyyyy!!!! I, uh, found someone! :))))” as if that’s at all acting natural. Never change.) Mic feels everything very strongly, and she can’t naturally hide that like Taco can.

I also wanted to bring up Mic’s extreme sensitivity to negative feedback, or what’s often referred to as Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria—which, yes, I know that isn’t actually technically a diagnostic trait, but I would say it’s kind of an offshoot of emotional dysregulation combined with a response to being ostracised for being neurodivergent in a shitty ableist world. A lot of the time when Mic shows the traits I’ve mentioned here, and they trip her up, her teammates show her very little patience and compassion. (Baseball and Nickel are particularly guilty of this—Cheesy does it as well, but he also apologizes to her and it seems like they get along afterwards. Baseball, however, will be on thin ice until I hear a goddamn apology from him.) And while she tends to respond to their disparagement with anger externally, as mentioned above, it also clearly really upsets her in a deeper way. For all the amount she takes it out on others, she takes it out on herself tenfold: look at the words she uses to describe herself in her diary. “Annoying, harmful, random, useless, insignificant, loser.” This treatment, along with her previously mentioned sensitive emotions, make her very reactive to any form of perceived criticism or failure. Even in the finale, when she’s been through her own arc and had a while to heal from the toxic environment of the show, the image shown in the red line game shows that this is still what upsets her the most—the idea of being ignored and rejected by others.

I think this also goes the other way—she’s so sick of being disparaged that it turns into a desperation for approval and connection. This is kind of the foundation of her entire arc. I noticed this one moment in Mazed and Confused, where Taco offers to help her out and Mic says “Really? You would help me out?” as though she’s completely shocked by the idea of someone offering her help. Which makes sense—the only person who’s actually been there for her is Soap. And one could ask, why does Mic stay in her alliance with Taco? Clearly she realizes, deep down, that what she’s doing is unethical. Mic is someone who has a strong moral code that I think in most circumstances she’d care about more than the money. (Yes, I know, I know, the twist, but it’s been proven several times that contestants are more than capable of putting other things above the game. Look at Marshmallow, Clover, Lightbulb, and obviously, eventually Mic herself!) But I don’t think what keeps her pushing her cognitive dissonance down is actually anything about the money. It’s the approval she gets. Baseball, who as I’ve said is normally quite hard on her, compliments her when she does something right as a result of her cheating, and in so doing cements in her mind that cheating=people liking her. She also gets approval from Taco, which fuels this even more. And as this alliance goes on, it transforms into…well, I don’t know if I’d call it a friendship, per se, but it seems that Mic really does value Taco’s company and wants to connect with her on a more personal level, rather than just as a means to an end. This just muddies matters further, as Mic now has not only approval at stake, but also one of the few actual relationships she has in the game. It takes Taco killing two people in front of her for her to decide that’s not worth it.

I think I maybe got a little sidetracked from my point there, as I am very much wont to do, but I think this leads Mic to display some kinds of masking behavior. One facet of this is politeness/friendliness—and this is not to say that Mic isn’t genuinely an outgoing, friendly person. In my own experience, masking isn’t as cut and dry as “not acting like yourself”---rather, it’s often more putting certain, more socially acceptable aspects of one’s personality forward and suppressing the less acceptable ones. Her politeness also comes off as very stilted to me. For example, in Theft and Battery, where she says, “Guys, not to sound rude, but didn’t MePhone5S and 5C just try to kill MePhone4? Didn't this guy create them? Why would he support us if he just tried to kill us?” It seems like a weird thing to have to tack “not to sound rude” onto—it’s a completely valid and truthful point. But she’s so used to being perceived as rude that it seems she feels like she has to say that. There’s also another example I already talked about in a different post but will go back over here—in Mine Your Own Business, when Mic and Taco are trying to sneak past Knife, but Mic sneezes and then follows it up with “Sorry! ‘Scuse me!” Which, as Taco points out, isn’t something people normally do. And immediately Mic falls back on her other defense mechanism, lashing out. If you listen to what she’s saying when they’re arguing, it’s “What was I supposed to say, ‘bless me’ and bless myself? You’re the one who’s always trying to be proper, what’s your problem?” I think this moment says a lot about her—when she knows she’s messed up, she tries to cover for it with politeness, but she also doesn’t quite get the social rules right. It’s very much something that’s put on, not that comes naturally to her. (This is where I realized she has many parallels with my other favorite Cabby, but that’s a whole different can of worms.)

However, she also masks in kind of the other direction, that is, putting others down to boost herself up. The Grand Slams are not the healthiest of teams, to put it lightly, and Mic mimics the behavior she sees in others that brings them social success. For example, when she jokes to Baseball about not wanting to “pull a Balloon—” Balloon being unpopular as he is, she knows other people will find mocking him funny. And it works! Baseball laughs! She tries this again later, when she says to Knife “talk about emotional baggage” in regards to Suitcase, but this time he doesn’t respond well. Mic seems genuinely surprised at this—this method has worked for her before, so she’s put off by the fact that it doesn’t work this time. And I should say—this isn’t something Taco tells her to do. She does it entirely of her own volition.

Actually, looking at this more, it seems more like part of something she mostly does during her alliance with Taco—an unaffected, jokey front she tends to put on when she’s lying or messing with people, to…limited success, as discussed earlier, but I think she also uses it when she’s lying to herself, or trying to convince herself that what she or Taco is doing isn’t wrong. I had a few examples in mind. The first is in Kick the Bucket, right after the Nickel and Balloon double elimination, when she says, “Well, ha, what a lively experience! Well, not much to gain from sitting around and doing nothing. See ya!” It’s oddly nonchalant when clearly everyone around her is upset, and we see her look concerned for a second beforehand before she goes into this. I interpret that as her…kind of seeing that what just happened messed things up for a lot of people and that it was her fault, but she’s not ready to accept that truth yet. She also uses this affect throughout Mine Your Own Business—both with Taco, as an attempt to get her to open up, and with Knife, I think in some ways trying to mimic what Taco did to recruit her in order to do the same with him. Neither of these are successful. Knife being Knife, he’s someone who’s very able to see right through people (figuratively speaking, that is, because now people can literally see right through him! Get it? Because he’s a ghost? Please imagine the sound of Cheesy slapping his knee from somewhere in the distance). He plants seeds of doubt in Mic’s mind by telling her about Pickle—and she’s still not ready for those seeds to grow, but they certainly are there. In fact, the next time we see her use this behavior, it’s in Hatching the Plan, when she jokes that Taco will “inevitably drop me too or whatever.” She says it casually, but clearly what Knife said is still on her mind, and she’s trying to convince herself that what happened to Pickle won’t happen to her even though she doesn’t at all believe herself. I also think looking at this behavior has really clarified my view of her in the movie—at first I was frustrated at how she seemed much more calm and collected than I would have expected her to, both about the general horrors happening to everyone, and specifically about Taco. I talked about those criticisms in another post, and I do still stand by them to some extent, I would have written her differently. But I don’t think it’s as incongruent with her character as I did before—in fact, I think there’s plenty of precedent for her masking like that in situations of greatly conflicted emotion. (Oddly enough, I think it’s something she has in common with Taco, but Taco’s just better with it.) I kind of doubt she was quite mentally ready to reconnect with Taco yet, but in such a dire situation she doesn’t have time to process all that, so she just kind of shoves that to the back of her brain. Not to say that I don’t think she genuinely cares for Taco, but I do think there’s a lot of processing she hasn’t done yet about her that will hopefully be a topic of discussion later please please please AE please for me???? Anyways, I do think this is a response to her aforementioned emotional dysregulation tending to create problems for her, and it’s definitely a masking technique in my eyes.

I also want to touch briefly on Microphone and Soap’s friendship, because while it’s not evidence for my point exactly, per se, I do think it’s relevant. While unfortunately pretty stereotypical representation, I would say it’s generally considered true that Soap is coded as having OCD. Now I’m not going to say that all neurodivergent people can easily be friends with one another, I know that’s not true. However, looking at the scene we see with the two of them in Rain On Your Charade, it certainly plays a part in this specific friendship. Mic helps Soap cope with her compulsions, and Soap is the only person at this time who really values Mic and doesn’t see her as a burden just because she’s accident-prone.

One minor thing I also wanted to point out was how it’s pretty common for people with ADHD to struggle with controlling our voices, including the tone, speed, and…well, volume. I can’t count the amount of times I’ve had people tell me that I’m talking loudly and I didn’t even realize it. I trust I don’t have to explain how this point is relevant to Mic, and it does very much fit.

There was one specific line that inspired me to write this post, from Everything’s A-OJ: “I’m trying harder than anyone else, so why do I always lose?” One of the diagnostic traits for ADHD is described as making “careless mistakes” in activities, and I never have particularly loved that phrasing. It may look careless on the outside, because it’s often mistakes that other people can easily avoid, but when you have a disorder that affects your attention, impulse control, memory, executive function, et cetera et cetera et cetera, you doing your best might look like someone else half-assing it. Not to get too personal on my blorbo post, but I keep thinking about this one teacher I had in middle school who, when I messed something up in a class, said “oh, that’s such a Clonnie move!” I’m sure she doesn’t remember that, but I do, because when you hear over and over again that people associate you with making mistakes, that shit sticks with you, and eventually when nothing you do helps you start to feel like you’re the mistake. That’s why Mic as a character resonates with me so much. God willing AnimationEpic will bring my girl back because I would like to see how Mic heals from that mindset as time goes on and where she goes from here.

[motherish]

🎧 I have this on repeat 😌

🧶 Now that I’ve finished Dr. Stone (super amazing I seriously loved it. some parts got me like ? but STILL GOOD) I’ve picked up TMGS3 again and this time I’m going to romance Ruka! 🤭 Can I tell you how HARD it is to move on from my baby Kouichi!!? 😭 What we had was SPECIAL!! 😭😤 👇 He showed up at the flower shop I work at and Ruka works there also! So MC is like “oh Ruka isn’t here right now” and he says “I wasn’t here to see him.” …. 😃 STOP PLAYIN WITH ME!! 😀 MY GOD and I’m listening to music as this happens and tell me why PNB Rock “Friends” starts to play in the background!! 😑 😒 Don’t TEMPT me Frodo! I do wanna say that Ruka is a freak. 🧐 Kouichi is so reserved he treats you like a LADY. RUKA?? 🥸 He wants to fuck you. He basically says it. It’s insane and a huge jump from quiet reserved Kouichi LOLLL

🍎 Speaking of wanting to fuck, I am feeling some type of wayyyyy for Caleb IM IN DEEP!!! 🏊 I’m spelunking in the world of CALEB! 🧗‍♀️🕳️ This man has become apart of my everyday LIFE! This MEANS something to me now like.. 👇 how did I get here. 👩‍🏫 This game has me stressing trying to collect diamonds for whenever a new Caleb card jumps out! 🔬 A 5 STAR ONE! I need to be threatened again!! I will just forever love those insane types I’m sorry. 🥴 The more my life could be in danger the more I love you. 😶 In FICTION! Weenie hut jr irl ok. I need a warm glass of milk and someone to read me a bedtime story and kiss my forehead in my real life. 👶 Fictional? IM SCUM!!! 🦠 SOON as Caleb jacked me up in that one card like I weighed nothing ?? I KNEW he was the one!! 👰 And his story …. 👁️ MC matches his energy it’s so 👌.

🍨 I’ve been working a lot on me. Or trying to. I think sometimes it’s hard to sit down and really take a good look at yourself. Who you are as a person and how you navigate as that person in the world. Amongst the people that you love. I bought this book called The Tao of Inner Peace a while back, and while I am still going through it. I feel as if I’ve read a lot of good things that I could utilize in my everyday life. The problem is that I haven’t been. 🫠 I’ve been thinking a lot about my tone. How the way I respond to some things and the cadence just isn’t as nice as it could be. Then I thought about how I’ve been reading this book and haven’t been practicing any of what I’ve read. 🫥

🧦 I had a situation happen where I got this new hard drive and it just went kaput. 🙃 Kaput with ALL MY IMPORTANT STUFF ON IT!!! Like I was in the process of backing things up TWICE but I hadn’t done it yet. Which meant that this hard drive had my only copy of like..over a decade of photos and art and whatever else. 🙂 I was PISSED I was so upset!! My ONLY comfort was the fact that Goro wasn’t on that drive. I didn’t feel comfortable putting my sims stuff on there (not even sure why I felt that way but thank you past me) so I kept it on the original drive. I think if I lost Goro I would have lost my actual mind. I made him in 2017 and I’ve only gotten more attached to him as the years go by so that woulda felt like an actual DEATH I’m not even kidding. ANYWAY! Long story short I had to get this program that helps retrieve files from corrupted drives and I found that good news: my stuff all managed to get saved 🥳 but bad news: it’s allllll jumbled up. 😁 I had the joy of having all my things returned to me, but I could only focus on the long and arduous process of going through it all, so I stayed upset.

💩 I hate being upset. I hate hate hate keeping myself down in a hole when I KNOW I don’t have to. I’ve come to learn that none of it really serves me. Cause ME staying miserable doesn’t solve anything! I just wasted another day constantly reminding myself how mad I should be! I thought about the Tao of Inner Peace. How I could reframe my mind. How, while this whole situation is frustrating. I still have my things. And that ALONE is something to celebrate. It’s frustrating now, but it’s not forever. I took some deep breaths, and told myself it’ll be okay. Cause it will be. I’ve been doing this a lot lately. Just taking deep breaths if I feel myself sinking and giving myself that pause to recalibrate. It’s been helping. 💆

🐦‍⬛ I feel good! I feel very good. 🐛 My mood has been the best I feel it’s ever been in like.. months lol not to say I walk around like this DARK CLOUD all the time! But I’ve just been feeling better and thinking better. I keep the book of Tao in the back of my mind. I bought “the courage to be disliked” as well as some other philosophy books and I am so excited to crack them open! 📖🪱Sometimes, you know that life can be different, that YOU can be different, but you’re not sure how. Or what steps to take. For me, books like these help point me in the right direction. 🪴

WOO I rambled! And I coulda rambled more but let me stop right here! TIL next time! 🍀

[koukaimagines]

Hello!! What do you think of a scenario where a goofy reader goes quiet bc of yoon says something like “can you be serious for one second? I wish you’d just stop!” bc he’s stressed out. Then reader stays quiet for a few hours and the HHB don’t really notice until yoon catches her by herself and realizes she’s crying and was trying to hide she felt bad about it cue clearing misunderstandings and fluff!!

I think that sounds very interesting anon! Thank you for sending this one in! Yoon is so cute and I love writing him. Cue silly squabble followed by fluff! I hope this is good, I'm still a little rusty after prying my way out of writer's block and this is my first time writing a scenario request in a WHILE. But I had so much fun writing him! So once again, thank you! I hope any Yun fans reading enjoy it too.

Side note- I never know how to spell his name. Akayona seems based off of ancient korea with the names at least so Yoon feels right to me but I'm so used to seeing it spelt as Yun! I'll keep to Yoon in the writing for now, but what do you guys think?

Reader pronouns are she/her as used in anon's ask!

word count: 1402

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yoon

The past few days have been awfully tense for the Happy Hungry Bunch and the Dark Dragon. Resources have been low and all your faces are fresh in the minds of the Kouka citizens. You’re on the run. Your access to village traders and merchants isn’t as lenient as it used to be— you’re forced to wear your hoods over your heads and keep out of sight.

On guard duty, while you and Yoon weren’t looking, a bundle of herbs was carried off by curious critters into the depths of the forest. Luckily, it was nothing you didn’t have seconds of, but resources being as scarce as they were, it weighed on Yoon’s mind quite heavily. 

“Crap— What were you doing??? That could’ve— ugh—” The young genius clenched his hands into fists as his mind turned upside down, trying to find a solution that didn’t exist. His fists loosened, and he found nothing but the end of his sentence. “That was at least one injury’s worth of herbs. Those plants don't grow around here.” He said, turning his back to you and crouching near his bag. He knew this wasn’t the time for an argument. He himself didn’t quite have the energy for one either.

"Well, at least the animals won’t have to worry about an injury then," you smirk, trying to ease his mind with a cute joke. You smile at the thought of raccoons putting their opposable thumbs to use with a rock somewhere, pounding the weeds the way you see Yoon do so often.

Unfortunately, your joke didn't quite land with him.

“Are you being serious?” He turns to you as he's crouched.

“I dunno, when am I ever?” You chuckle, not noticing how his tone is darker than it usually is when he banters with you. You smile at him in hopes that your expression would make him realize the situation itself wasn’t as dire as he made it out to be.

Yoon’s brows furrowed, and your smile faded. He rapidly shot up from his spot, his beautiful features scrunched in a scowl.

“Well, would it kill you to be serious for once??” He thundered. You blinked, trying to process his tone, why he was so upset— and why at you. His gaze grew more intense at your silence. “This is no time to be joking around! Do you realize that??? We’re already low on resources as it is, and you know with this group, injuries are as inevitable as there are stars in the sky!” 

Yoon bit his lip to try to put a lid on his boiling emotions. This was not the time. He needs to prepare for dinner.

“What’s wrong?” A voice emerges from beyond the tree trunks. Yona hurriedly steps through the beaten path and takes a glance back and forth between your expressions.

“What, are they fighting or something?” Hak strolls in, carrying a stack of twigs in his arm. You stay quiet. You don’t know how to answer that, at least not seriously, you suppose.

“Not really.” Yoon mumbles, turning his back to you once more to sort through the edible flora he’s found throughout the day. “Leave your wood by that trunk, Thunder Beast.” 

Your face feels numb at his answer, and you stare at the small back that never failed to support you and everyone else around him. His words echo in your head as footsteps approach you.

“Are you alright?” A dignified voice addresses you, and you look up to see Kija gazing at you with concern laced in his brow. You force a smile.

“Y-Yeah! Why wouldn’t I be? Yoon and I kinda messed up a bit, that’s all… Some raccoons had their way with some of his herbs.” You mutter, busying yourself by taking some materials the returning group brought back.

Kija eyed you with concern as you set down some dry leaves for kindle, but didn’t pry.

---------------------------

The tree branches rustled as the wind carried night across the sky. The fire lapped at the cold air of the season, and dinner was ready. Scooping some soup into some wooden bowls, Yoon bellowed the signal.

“Okay, good work everyone! Dinner’s ready.”

Six bodies crowded around the pot. Yoon raised a brow at the odd void he felt after seeing everyone present— everyone but you.

“Where’s Y/N?”

His question incited many heads to turn and scan the area.

“Ah… come to think of it, she said she’d be going to the bathroom…” Jaeha noted. “Quite some time ago,” he smirked awkwardly, trying to mask his worry as he noted the different colour of the sky now as opposed to when you spoke to him.

Concern began to shape Yoon’s features. “A while ago? Which way did she go?” His heart and mind began to race. His eyes wavered as he stood, and he set the ladle down in the pot filled with a concoction of gruel and herbs. 

“She stepped off somewhere that way. I’ll take Shinah with me, so you can sit tight, Yoon. I’ll bring your little darling back soon.” Jaeha winked. Yoon felt his cheeks warm.

 “She’s not!—” The pretty boy genius cut himself off as he swallowed his pride. This was not the time to fall for Jaeha’s antics. He sifted through the possible fates you might be subject to while his eyes aren’t on you, and a sudden pang hit his chest. At the same moment, Yoon struck an odd realization. 

Were you bothered by what he said earlier? 

Concern started to blur into frustration, annoyance, and guilt. “God… you idiot! What a pain...” He exclaimed under his breath. “Ugh, I’ll look for her! I need to talk to her!” He blurted, hurriedly gathering a few supplies and setting off towards the direction Jaeha pointed in.

------------------------

It didn’t take long for Yoon to find you. You were a little ways out by the river. When he found you, the moonlight kissed your tears as they fell. You were hugging your knees as you watched the steady flow of the stream. The young boy clenched his chest in an attempt to quell an ache he knew he caused.

“Hey, Y/N—” He stepped closer to you, feeling his cheeks warm from the awkward predicament he’s put himself in. He tried to gather the words, but they just didn’t seem to want to come out. “You know, I—”

“I’m sorry,” you managed to say. He held his tongue. His throat felt tight.

That was his line.

“We’re dying just to survive— and I’m making light of things, I’m sorry. You were right.” You muttered through your sleeves as you wiped your disobedient tears. Yoon blinked. That’s not what he wanted to hear, and he was sure that wasn’t not the point you wanted to come to.

“That’s— That’s not it, Y/N, I—” He sighed. He set down his makeshift light source and sat down a ruler’s distance from you. “I’m the one who should be saying sorry. I completely went overboard—” He turned his gaze to the river. “I shouldn’t have raised my voice at you like that.” He balled his hands into fists on his lap as he fretted over you dimming your warm radiance all because of him. As silly as you were, your idiocy kept the group smiling on some of your worst nights— some of his worst nights— and was a warmth that was irreplaceable in his eyes. “We might be dying to survive, but— w-we can afford to spare a few weeds here and there.” He spoke haughtily.

His blue eyes shined as he lifted his gaze. He took a few shy glances at you before mumbling.  

“A-At least the animals won’t have to worry about an injury anymore, right?”

You turned to him in surprise. His cheeks were red and he looked away when you looked at him. A smile creeped on your lips— that one definitely landed for you.

"Yeah. Do you think raccoons would grind the herbs the way you do? They've got opposable thumbs, don't they?"

His eyes widened as his gaze returned to you. Your smile was infectious, and he began to feel its symptoms.

"You idiot." He whispered. "Even if they did, they wouldn't be able to do it half as well as I can."

With that, you both chuckled in each other's company before you made your way back for dinner.

[lavenderobject58]

#2: What Was I Just Thinking? by Kuwabara Tamotsu

[Content warning: violence, blood]

toxic yuri am i right ahaha If you've heard of Kuwabara Tamotsu, its likely from his manga Destroy It All and Love Me in Hell!, an ongoing series popular among some of my edgiest lesbian friends. It's a great manga, and I'll probably end up writing about that manga at some point or another, but that's not what this post is about. Instead, I'm writing about Kuwabara's 2020 oneshot What Was I Just Thinking?, a manga that covers similar themes of love, sex, and violence, but with a different perspective and tone. In it, Makabe, the protagonist, struggles with her violent intrusive thoughts directed towards her friend Hoshizaki. After the latter reveals that she's actually a masochist, the two go back to her apartment and get sadomasochistic. It's a little cute, actually, even if the way it goes down is pretty fucked up on Makabe's part.

Kuwabara Tamotsu seems to really love taking these stressed-out, high-strung characters and giving them super unhealthy - usually violent - release valves. Obviously, there's a little more complexity to this specific situation than just that but it's essentially the core of Makabe's arc. The way we see her thought processes play out over the course of the manga paints this really fascinating picture of a woman who's so terrified of her own desires that when she finally lets them out she has no idea where - or even how - to stop. Classic yuri stuff, really. There are a few different ways you can interpret the dynamics at play outside of that, though. One of the things that for me really adds a layer of nuance to the relationship for me is how intentional Hoshizaki is about drawing certain reactions out of Makabe. There is obviously a huge difference between fucking with someone just to see what they're like when they're upset - which is just obnoxious friend behavior - and smacking the shit out of someone out of nowhere - which is assault - but the underlying motivations of both characters share some similarities, Hoshizaki is just a tad more subtle about it. And then there's that moment near the end, where Hoshizaki starts playing with Makabe's bruised hand in order to see what she looks like when she's in pain. There's a disparity in how much respect for boundaries each character has, and that's an important part of their dynamic, but I really like the way Hoshizaki isn't just a receptacle for Makabe's weird hangups. One might even say she "matches her freak".

There's also the fact that Makabe is a wimp. I think this is an important part of her character - she seems to have a bit of a complex about it, as we can see when she gets all defensive about having played ping pong in school, compared to the more athletic Hoshizaki. The fact that Hoshizaki seems more concerned about her hair being messed up than the bruising all over her face while Makabe's hands hurt so bad she can't even hold a cigarette is still kind of cute, and it makes her desires and motivations feel a lot more real.

Another fact of the matter is that these two women really are in love with each other. There are enough longing glances and flushed cheeks throughout the manga that we can be sure of that, and it's really not, like, normal friend stuff to want to hurt your bestie in order to understand her better. One really would hope that these two don't go on to build a relationship based off what they've established here, but come on. Look at them.

So what I find really interesting about this manga is that it's definitely toxic yuri, but it's presented in such a complex and sympathetic way that it almost makes you want to forget that fact? Like, obviously there's this big overarching layer of straight-up violence on the surface. And once you get to the core of the story it's about two characters nurturing a really unhealthy dynamic that's not going to take them anywhere good. But in between those two levels, there's this real sense of passion and romance and emotion that undercuts what would otherwise just be a total downer of a manga and turns it into something that's actually really cute, even while it maintains this sense of tension and fear and desperation that keeps you from getting too comfortable. It's also just really hot. If that all sounds good to you, you should read this comic (which I'll link below). You should also read Destroy It All and Love Me in Hell!, but more on that eventually. Probably. I'm still kind of figuring out what I want this blog to be, so no promises on anything, but you'll probably be seeing more of me throughout the week. Hope you all have a lovely Tuesday :)

[thejesterstears]

I am gonna ramble here a bit, partially meta and partially headcanon so...? Bear with me lol.

So I had seen someone share that according to the series' pitch doc, Pomni is described as a "rational and level-headed" person (I have not seen the doc myself as it was only shared via Glitch Inn, but if anyone else has it available I would love to see the whole thing). And I think the show has already done a wonderful job of portraying this part of her, in episode 2 alone. I know some people were preemptively worried that "nervous" was going to be her one defining trait, basing it on her behavior in the pilot alone, so it was great to see that there's so much more to her. And while honestly I do hope that her anxiety plays at least a partial role in the series--specifically her learning to overcome it while relying on her new friends in this digital hellscape she now calls home--I really love the direction her character has taken so far. She's proven already to be a thoughtful, logical, level-headed person able to help others and is well-articulated in expressing as much.

On that note, I do still think she very likely struggles with anxiety. This is all theorizing that could very well get thrown right out the window as more episodes come out and we learn more about her, but just hear me out. I fully believe that the reason she was able to sympathize so closely with Gummigoo's fears and feeling of nothingness is because she has personally experienced those feelings herself even before her life in the circus (evidenced by her stating that it's something she is familiar with "where she's from," in her old life). She understands how painful it is to endure and doesn't like to watch others suffer the way she has, and wants to be able to provide what comfort she can and grasps better what might help ease some of his sorrow because she knows what has helped/would have helped her to hear. As someone with anxiety who also has a tendency to reach out to others due to empathizing heavily with them, I really related to this scene and her actions a lot.

I'd also like to touch upon the fact that it's apparent how Pomni is also the type who responds better to talking out her emotions, to feeling like she is being listened to and understood, rather than blindly told that everything will be okay and attempting to be cheered up (hence, why she was so turned off by Ragatha's "toxic positivity" and felt that she was being talked down to, despite Ragatha's good intentions). She recognized that Gummigoo was in a bad place, one that she related to deeply, and rather than try to cheer him up she heard him out and validated his feelings--the way that she needed to be heard and validated in her struggles. I think this would be part of her "rational" mind at work, needing to actually sort out her emotions and talk about them with someone who really understands where she's coming from in order to process and feel better about the situation rather than be pacified about her feelings (because it really sucks to simply be told everything will be fine and to not worry about it when you have anxiety and are already upset about the situation). Gummigoo inadvertently helped her as much as she helped him, by giving her sort of a vehicle for airing out those feelings and sympathizing with someone on how miserable it is.

This next note might not be much on its own but I felt like it was worth bringing up because it was something that had been on my mind since first watching the pilot--while she is more than capable of being level-headed and a practical problem solver, it seems that under severe stress she's more likely to make bad decisions. I honestly hesitate to say she was being selfish in abandoning Ragatha twice in the pilot, because she was reacting on fight-or-flight impulses in a situation that was extremely unfamiliar and terrifying to her while also still trying to convince herself that this was only a dream rather than actually trying to desert her. She did make an effort to help before her desperation for an escape took over. But it seems clear that in certain situations she lets her panic cloud her judgement. We also see that she easily dissociates entirely when under extreme stress, needing to be snapped back to attention, and she also expresses very self-protective body language (keeping her arms close in front of her, keeping her shoulders hunched, she also tends to hold her own arm at times as if self-comforting the same way Ragatha tends to do).

So. Those are just some observations from what we have seen of her so far, of her anxious tendencies but also her ability to be a source of emotional support to others likely based on her own experiences.

This kind of leads me into what I would love to see in the series, going forward. Now that we've seen that Pomni is beginning to accept her fate and realize she's not alone in her predicament, I'd love to see how she might end up really learning to rely on the others to help keep her tethered to her sense of self in her new life, help her cope with her anxieties as they arise. But I'd equally love to see her helping her new "family" here, as well, in along the same vein as she helped Gummigoo. Just an example, but I would love to see her actually confront Ragatha on her endlessly sunny disposition when she clearly sees how forced it is sometimes, and let her know it's okay to just not be okay and to allow herself to be vulnerable and sad and angry about their situation sometimes...because I feel like if anyone is going to be able to get Ragatha to open up, it would be Pomni. A fresh face in the circus who understands how hard it can be to not feel heard and to struggle alone, who doesn't want anyone to feel as if they are nothing the way she very likely has in the past (and, as evidenced by her fears of being quickly forgotten in her own nightmares, still likely struggles with).

I hope my rambling here makes sense but TL;DR--I adore Pomni so much, how she's a multi-faceted character who has a lot to offer in the circus whether or not she realizes it yet, who has her own fears and anxieties but can also use her own experiences to help others and offer the kind of hope and empathy that she would also want to receive. She's anxious but she's also smart and reasonable and capable of being emotionally sensitive with others. I'm so excited to see even more of her character development and how she learns to cope with her new life, and how she might help others cope as well.

(End disclaimer: please bear in mind that all of this comes from someone who struggles greatly with anxiety and also sees a lot of myself in Pomni so recognizes certain patterns that make me conclude that she very likely has anxiety as well)

[thegreymoon]

LMFAO, good for her 🤣🤣

I despise these kinds of games but I am glad she was not actually upset. While I have zero fucks to give about Gu Tingye, I love her a lot and her well-being is connected to him, I want him to have a good ending, but I primarily want all her integrity and dignity to stay intact. Also, fuck Fengxian with a 🌵

***

So, he didn't warn his newly post-partum wife of his grand scheme with the Emperor? 🤬

I realise the writers didn't want to let Minglan in on the secret for dramatic effect because revealing it to her would be revealing it to us, BUT COME ON.

This just makes him look like a bigger ass than usual and does nothing to endear him to me. He is literally torturing the wife who just gave birth to his child days ago and whom he claims to love, smh.

Also, does Shitou know?? He also seems extremely upset!

If Shitou doesn't know either, I will riot.

***

LMAO

He had a plan and everything, but Sheng Hong plans better 🤣🤣

***

Jeeeeeesus 😬😬

Poor Changbai.

***

I find it extremely ironic that Minglan is now whining about the law having procedures that must be followed when she followed none of them when kidnapping and torturing people herself.

She totally took the law into her own hands and would have killed Wang Ruoyu without any trial or process if her family hadn't stopped her, so I am finding it extremely hard to feel sympathy for her here.

***

God, when did she get so reckless and stupid?

She is manhandling the literal Empress! What were the writers thinking?

I am appalled.

But, OK, I had a good 69 episodes, I will live through these last four and still be satisfied, but it is incredible how badly 99% of c-dramas manage to derail right before the finishing line.

***

Endless stupidity.

It's the writers who have gone crazy.

***

LOL, what is she doing back?

I thought we had seen the last of her.

***

LMAO? Concerned? Her?

Honestly, fuck Wang Ruofu and her concern after all these years and the hell she caused.

***

LMAO, for real?

Opportunistic until the end.

With that said, Minglan will never do it because there is no accounting for taste and she unfortunately loves him already.

***

Oh, Big Madam, you give his shitty ass too much credit.

He already knows and we already saw his reaction. He is overjoyed.

***

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

HE'S TESTING HER? NOW? IN THIS SITUATION? HE'S TESTING HER TO SEE IF SHE WILL LEAVE HIM?

***

Instead of TELLING HER what he's doing, he's pulling this crap, smh.

***

Aww, he's crying 😥

OK, so I may have misjudged his intentions. He was not doing it to test her but to protect her. He seems to think she will be in genuine danger while he's doing this. Which, true, if he dies during this shitshow, the Emperor can't exactly admit to a ploy and restore Minglan to her former honours.

***

Heh.

I wouldn't take him back either, especially once I find out that the whole disaster was actually fake.

***

I wonder how long that will last 🙄

***

I cannot stress this enough, you two are the last thing this storyline needs right now.

***

Because the writers have decided to turn her into an idiot for dramatic effect, that's why.

[subway-boss-jericho]

(Hammer anon- whoops I forgot to say that on the other ask- I’m also the one who apologized about steady tracks shamanism)

Ok! Two left hands au- 

Such a fun idea to take the two interpretations of emmet and bring them together. Trauma and stressful situations can change someone drastically! And though they act differently, they are still Emmet fundamentally. It’s actually really sweet to read Emmet (1) trying to help Emmet (2) while still being… unhappy. And trying to be distant.

Ooough I was. Imagining it would be something to due to Ingo’s disappearance that would finally bring them together (or at least spark that) but the closing of his case… ough. (Emmet (1) didn’t even stick around to face it…) I’m chewing on your writing. The emotions… love them calling each other out. Like “I Am you idiot. You Cannot fool me”. Astounding. 

"I know." "But you let me in today."

Killing me. 

(I’m actually completely out of words (in like. A good way I’m just playing with the paragraphs and having fun) but this is. Very good.) 

It's okay, it's not hard to tell who's sending in the asks (wheeze)

It's SOOOOO fun!! I hadn't realized the sheer untapped potential with them until a few months ago and now I'm obsessed. They're so fun to write.

Both of the Emmets are in such a complicated situation and both of them have so many layers of emotions about it. There would be 4D chess going on here if they were literally anyone else but Emmet. They know eachother so well yet also feel like they barely know what the other is thinking. They're the same person yet they're so different. So alien yet so impossibly familiar.

(Jericho-typical ramble below the cut:)

Other Emmet (Emmet 1) doesn't really hate This Emmet (Emmet 2) for, well, anything. He's frustrated that his attempt to find Ingo and get him back didn't work (yet), and This Emmet's presence feels like someone out there is taunting him for daring to try. He frustrates him, because it should go without saying that he sees himself in This Emmet. It makes him angry to see This Emmet so "Happy" without Ingo, especially because he feels like by this point that he'll never BE happy unless he can find a way to get Ingo back.

This Emmet, in the early stages of the AU, is still just trying to process what is going on. Other Emmet has been able to explain enough that This Emmet at least has a vague understanding of what is going on, how he got here, and why he's here to begin with- But broadly, this is not his area of expertise. He was never expecting anything like this, and facing continued emotional rejection from someone he would have hoped to confide in/take comfort in is very upsetting. He doesn't want to push Other Emmet around or make him feel like he owes him something, yet at the same time, he's suddenly being forced to carry an additional emotional burden that he can't talk to anyone else about. He IS upset- frustrated, angry -that Other Emmet just waltzed into his life and now he has to deal with the consequences, but he also knows that Other Emmet is just as hurt as he is, and doesn't want to take it out on him.

Both of them do care about the other, but show it in different ways, and need to learn how to communicate + get along. Both of them frustrate and upset the other, and once they agree to support and confide in eachother, that starts to be a little easier for both of them.

Touching on the obvious sensitive point of Ingo, of course they're both on edge about the whole thing. They both know that Ingo went missing for both of them, and they both know that the other is upset about this unplanned stop. This Emmet wants to have someone else to confide in, someone to help him process all those heavy feelings, but Other Emmet wants to stay distant in the hopes that he doesn't need to get hurt again. It isn't until the case closes that Other Emmet takes a chance, to give This Emmet a listening ear or at least somewhere he doesn't have to hide how he actually feels- Especially when he can see the mask cracking. Especially when he can see that This Emmet had been trying to spare Other Emmet's feelings, too. This Emmet knows that Other Emmet is upset. He can tell that he's venting that tangled knot of heavy emotions through Anger, through trying to solve the problem, even though he's very sure he's really just deeply sad. He knows himself well enough to guess that he doesn't want to give himself time to grieve because if he crashes he might not be able to keep going- Because at first, that's what happened to This Emmet, too. But This Emmet is also proof that he can keep going, even if he stops to process how he feels and grieve. And Other Emmet is proof that moving on doesn't have to mean giving up, it can mean trying something new.

They both have a lot to learn from eachother. It starts by letting him in.

So yeah, it's killing me too. This is where I'd put the gif of me exploding. I love writing them and picking apart how they behave and interact. The scene I wrote with them is one of my favorite things I've written recently, makes me want to yell out loud I'm really really glad you enjoyed it, it was so fun to write and it's always my favorite thing to see how people respond to my work.

As always, thank you for the ask! 🤍🌟

Reflection AU Masterpost

[funnylovepuppis]

I should probably shut up about it because there is so many other people talking about it. But I can't stay silent about it. I can't stress enough how upset and uncomfortable I am with being here in buddie fandom right now.

As a bisexual myself, I agree with the importance of its representation in mainstream media. Especially when it comes to male characters, who are really low in static speaking. We can all agree on this, and hopefully, we can all see it. I'm really thrilled about Bi Buck's journey and about finding his happiness. He's not fixed, he just found out about his other sides he never knew they were existed before. As @m3r1m4r5u333 said in their post, bisexuality is not a personality, just a small piece in whatever color that is a part of many more pieces of soul. Buck, like many real-life people, is trying to figure out himself. I honestly don't think that self-journey will ever stop, not just on sexuality but on many other things. That's how living is, right? So yes, it's very exciting and kind of carefree for him, and I'm truly happy. He deserves it big time after all that he has been through. And I really think that Tommy is genuinely the right person for him at the moment.

But aside from me being bi, I'm also demisexual. Honestly it's more than that for me, because besides the need for emotional connection before sexual intimacy, I need some degrees of emotional connection before even getting into dating. So as you can see, I'm very much attached to Buck and Eddie relationship. I'm mostly finding myself a lot in Eddie's character. I do feel a lot of pressure on starting to date someone nowadays. And I'd probably be single for a long time because that's kinda how how people go to date. You meet someone you like and interested to explore the romantic dynamic and that someone is a completely stranger to you so it's kind of scary and stressful.. I'd rather be someone's friend and then lover..

Yes, best friends have a different kind of love than just two friends. That doesn't necessarily mean that it must have a romance subtext or under the surface, especially when it comes to two people of the same gender. And sure, all the things related to buddie are open to interpretations and any ways that people who see it differently are pretty legit.

We can argue about why things are the way they are. I can acknowledge that Eddie is not in the same emotional place as Buck, and it can be taking a long process for him, if at all, to realize his own feelings about himself and Buck. But at the same time, I can say that although it seems like Buck and Eddie communicate in a very healthy way, there's a sense of underground miscommunication that leaves both of them scared to make a move or talk about their deep feelings and observations on their own relationship. Because what they have is great, so why ruin it for a good change, right? And there is lots of evidence that saying buddie are partially soulmates. Having back from each other. Their reactions are when the other one is in a dangerous situation, such as the firetruck, the wall, the shooting, and the lighting strike. The will. The family moments of Buckley-Diaz. Going to each other's home as a safe place. The teasing from surrounding people about them. The jealousy. Their parallels to other couples on the show/

I guess I'm trying to say to the people who are feeling like some people are not very happy about Bucktommy because they are not appreciative of the new queer couple or the very fact that it's B-Buck canon. I understand the need for bi-representations and am happy to see that. It seems very worth the long wait for this. And yet, I want to say, give buddie stans time, including me. Because our feelings are legitimate and matter, too. It may come as rude or not excited about Bucktommy, but I think this is coming from being afraid and uncomfortable with how quickly many people from the fandom are shifting from Buddie to Bucktommy, even if they still believe in Buddie Endgame. Give us time to fall in love with this couple and connect with them. Give us time to warm up for them. Give us time because we have been attached to Buddie for 5 long years. We have been memorizing all of the episodes, plots, and quotes. Writing for 5 years, Buddie fics. Making beautiful gifsets and fan art.

Thank you for reading this if you have reached this far. 🩷

[amyoffline]

things that make more sense now that i know i'm autistic: an incomplete list

~communication~

i am not an intuitive communicator. i am the opposite of an intuitive communicator. my brain's first interpretation of any statement is always literal and accounting for subtext/context/nuance is something that happens later. i'm practiced enough that sometimes i can do it subconsciously, but when i'm relying on that i sometimes get a situation wildly wrong. sorry if any of you have ever been on the receiving end of one of those mishaps. idk i also learned Basic Speech™ late and only with professional help lol

re: above - lots of "you're embarrassing us, that was an offensive faux pas, be ashamed, go apologize" incidents until i was about 16 and started actively trying to pick apart how people communicate like weird little bugs

………no wonder i became a statistician. we get pedantic about the exact phrasing of a sentence fragment because of the various ways people can interpret things

i was generally the "annoying" or "weird" friend that people barely put up with unless i was in a group of people who were more straightforwardly or openly neurodivergent

i have a few primary interests that i am Very Invested In, and struggle to make conversation if none of those topics are appropriate. luckily for adult amy, most people are at least receptive to chatting about either cooking or politics

maybe martial arts was such a core pillar of community and social interaction for me growing up because virtually every parent of a neurodivergent kid was sticking them in martial arts classes in the 2000s

good old christianity gave me a complex when i was young because i don't experience or express empathy "correctly" (particularly when you layer gendered norms on top of pre-maga christian norms)

i made a really conscious effort in therapy to force myself to be more Type B, but before that i was one of those kids/teens/young adults that would get very anxious if there wasn't a rigid, carefully considered plan for any given activity, and then very upset if a plan didn't work out for some reason

~sensory~

when i was an unmedicated teenager, i'd categorize my frequent menty b's into a few different categories: 1) panic attack, 2) anxiety attack (one of a few specific triggers), 3) anxiety attack ("there's just too much stuff happening at once"). medication dramatically reduced the frequency of those first two, but not the third, which makes sense in hindsight since that's just sensory overload.

i suspect i had sensory overload most often in those years because i was too old for it to be socially acceptable to carry a book or magazine around everywhere (to focus on so i could tune things out), i didn't have a smartphone (to apply the same technique), and i didn't have the agency to be like "no, i'm not going to try to pay attention to everything going on here. it stresses me out and i can't accurately process all that input anyway." if it sucks... hit da bricks!!

while on this thread: i had that classic phobia of balloons popping. sorry to anyone who invited me to a party before about 2007

i've always kept my fingernails very short. i cannot stand them growing much past the nail plate, it's awful, and i borrowed the "sensory reasons" explanation from autistic folks as soon as i learned that vocabulary existed. i had a similar problem with my hair for a very, very long time - i just couldn't deal with the potential for stray hairs. the image below only shows about 1/3 of the barrettes i was wearing (2011 or 2012). it didn't work and looked ridiculous.

that "fidgety" label i got stuck with early on might have just been describing stimming?? sometimes it feels more like a compulsion than an idle animation (like, "i need to do this right now, i can't remain still"). i guess that's what makes it a stim?

i was an EXTREMELY picky eater as a kid. to the extent that, for about a year, i wouldn't eat anything other than chick-fil-a nuggets and kroger frozen pizza - and i hated drinking anything, including water. you have never in your life seen a more constipated preschooler. i ended up in the hospital about it. my food selectivity reduced to more functional level after that, though i continued to have texture issues with beef and most raw fruit (neither of which I frequently eat as an adult), and I didn't become a truly adventurous eater until cooking and baking became one of my primary hobbies. which brings us to...

~special interests~

let it be known that toontown was my very first special interest. in the stereotypically autistic way and also a fannish way (i made friends do toontown roleplay with me, and was accused by adults of having an addiction to the game despite my access to it being strictly restricted to 1hr/day over summer breaks. it was just the only thing i wanted to talk about). it feels very cathartic to be able to label this as a special interest from 20 years in the future.

there were a lot of periods when i'd just replay or rewatch or reread the same thing over and over again. in fourth grade, i watched a ripped copy of madagascar every single day after school. for months. why? why madagascar?

(pov: you try to talk to me about your broad fannish interests, circa 2010-2012) "i can't care about other youtubers or get into one direction. i've already hit my quota with dan and phil"

being utterly consumed by final fantasy vii in late 2015 to the extent that i basically abandoned all other fandoms and all unrelated hobbies for a year and a half

clocked 💀. context: i've written over 400,000 words of final fantasy walkthroughs that i only share with friends. i just... wanted to make them. the most comprehensive guide to ffx-2 in existence lives on my hard drive and you have to ask me for it

[getherbanshee]

Dennis Takes a Mental Health Day Analysis

Hello, macdennis hive mind. Now, I know that was not the episode we were hoping for; however, I’m here to tell you that there is still hope for macdennis through my analysis of “dennis takes a mental health day.”

This is also not a spoiler free analysis, so you have been warned.

“It Wasn’t Real”/“It Was All a Dream” Trope

Yes, this trope is overplayed. Yes, I am upset that appeared in always sunny episode. However, they did what always does and subverted the trope and flipped it on its head. (I will get more into this in a minute.) So I can’t stay mad at them for this. A light round of applause. Once it is revealed that this is fake scenario that Dennis has created in his mind (just like me fr), we are able to explore some of the deeper meanings, symbolism, and metaphors throughout the episode.

Dennis’s difficulty and inability to integrate with change

Throughout the series it has become prevalent that Dennis is reluctant to change and progress with the most specific example being with Mac. Their dynamic has teetered throughout the show with Mac’s progression as a character and in turn Dennis’s regression as a character. With the devices such as Dennis being forced to change in his environment with his age, his health, the keyless car, a new car, cashless payment with an app in place, and the new phone, these are all catalogs to represent unwillingness to change and evolve and could be considered metaphors for his relationship with Mac. While Mac is changing and evolving like society, Dennis is stuck in the past where things were easy, made sense to him, and were less stressful with him to cope with because it’s what he knows. Mac changing is difficult for him to process because it is a) change and b) a new way to see his and Mac’s relationship. They aren’t the two best friends joint at the hip. They are something more. They are changing and evolving, yet Dennis refuses to admit or accept this.

Diamond Metaphor

This one’s kinda simple and saying that Dennis sees himself as one who works well under pressure and can take a terrible situation and fix it to make it better. However, this is just the opposite. As the gang was trying to make diamonds in the bar, they were doing it in a dangerous and unsafe way, which could worsen their situation, possibly starting a fire that could burn down Paddy’s. This goes in tandem with how Dennis reacts in most situations. By trying to fix what is “wrong” in the situation, he is fixing what would be best for him; however, this could permanently ruin a situation, like starting a fire or rejecting Mac in a way that was easier for Dennis to cope with than it was to just let Mac and accept him.

The System

Dennis is the system. I don’t know what else this could be other than Dennis is the system. Because we are in Dennis’s head, Dennis is creating these situations for himself where he is upset or gets angry, and it is his fault. He created these guidelines for himself that if something is not going his way or change is coming he gets angry and rejects it. These aren’t anyone else’s rules but his. You can then apply this reasoning to how he behaves around Mac. No one is saying he can’t be vulnerable with Mac other than himself because Dennis doesn’t enable himself to. Dennis doesn’t allow himself to open up to people, even someone he has been best friends with since high school. If he did let Mac in, that would mean he would have to accept that he was wrong and would have to talk to himself (talk to the person who created the system). It’s self-sabotage, and Dennis is the CEO of self-sabotage.

Little Note

I love that even in Dennis’s fake scenario Mac is still obedient to him, unlike Mac now, who is more independent and evolved. Mac believes that the call from Dennis is a test and obeys that they should not answer to anger Mac. In Dennis’s mind, Dennis clings to the idea that Mac should please and obey him, when that is not Mac anymore.

Im probably gonna have more to add onto this, but these are my thoughts on the subject for now. Please feel free to add on, agree, disagree, comment. Go nuts because I certainly was after this episode.

[sarkyfancypants]

Analysing Bob Velseb

Or my version of him at least given that there is barely any actual lore about him and any existing lore is ambiguously scattered and left up for interpretation.

This is by all means not intended to be entirely connected to the canon and it is all done for fun and I am open to discussing things as well.

I just can't decide what direction to go with my version of him. I am divided with the concept of whether evil is born or made. Starting with his upbringing, do I make him wicked from the start? Maybe he comes from a regular family of cattle owners. Let's say they weren't necessarily abusive, but we're strict, old-school conservative parents. Bob was maybe raised with a certain amount of stress, trauma, or frustration any child would experience in such a rough environment.

Father was a butcher and maybe tried to teach Bob, who was weirdly fascinated by the process. He was probably pushed to sacrifice his first animal at a young age which must have left a shocking imprint in his mind and from there developed a morbid interest in the business so in the future he chose to follow his old man's steps.

Bob grew up learning the nitty-gritty of butchering, unbothered by the gruesome process from the slaughter to handling the carcasses all the way to the kitchen. He became a connoisseur of everything about meat and developed a passion for cooking as a result.

Now from these doodles by Pelo (they may be done as a joke but I'm taking them with me, don't @ me) I like to think Bob does have at least some sympathy for the animals he has to sacrifice, understanding that it is something that has to be done in order to get the meat.

Maybe Bob's grown so desensitized to the slaughter process he doesn't feel too upset when he has to do it, while at the same time, he would still feel a twinge of remorse if he were to accidentally run over a dog. That's life after all. Up to this point, it's all ordinary. A regular dude with a regular job. Likes animals while at the same time having a job that requires killing certain animals for consumption.

Now let's take a look at his home. Some details here give me ideas.

The guy has a taxidermied deer head, either a trophy from hunting or roadkill, who knows. There are bones scattered around the floor (human or animal bones idk), and his furniture is covered with skin, human skin to be precise (a concept likely based on the criminal Ed Gein who later inspired horror movies like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) which I assume was surely done later during life as a killer.

I am willing to give into the idea that he was drawn into things like death and collecting the remains of deceased animals in general. What if he collected bones, teeth, pelts, and taxidermied animals as the beginning of his slow descent into his dark hobbies? Started with animals, then slowly began to fantasize about doing the same to human remains.

Bob seems like a jolly, charming fellow during his days before joining the cult. Maybe he wasn't all that wicked for the most part and would get along with people in general. But at the same time, just to spice things up, if he were to be in an unpleasant situation, he drops the facade revealing a much more stern, hot-tempered, and likely cruel side. You know you really fucked up when you piss off the sweet guy.

Taking a quick look back to his past, imagine growing up in a strict environment inciting a deep desire for control in the young child. Given how Bob enjoys tormenting his victims by intimidating them with his ominous presence and sometimes unsettling meat facts, he shows that he likes to be in control of the situation, minimizing the people around him. The guy must have a high ego (seriously, he has several pictures of his face framed at home, come on).

The guy probably never married. Maybe had a few love interests, but was a little too uncomfortable about the idea of getting into a committed relationship. He's not used to intimacy nor affection as he probably didn't get much as a child.

Now where does the cannibalism come in? Iunno. Perhaps in his first time unaliving somebody he had to hide the evidence somehow. Had the twisted idea of turning the remains into hamburger meat and the rest kept as trophies. He liked it so much he got hooked up and couldn't stop.

Then let's say the Cult comes into the scene. People from cults are in appearance regular people, that is until you have a conversation with them as they begin pushing ideologies and throwing buzzwords to recruit people. Somebody might have seen Bob as a potential recruit and tried to befriend him when he was still a young impressionable man and began filling his head with strange ideas, praising him, and filling his ego until his mind was finally manipulated.

Joining the cult was probably the point of no return. Bob was doomed to never have a regular life ever again. His crimes only got worse and his mind was broken, especially if we consider the possibility of him being exposed to "Eyes" and having that immortality cult talisman put into his chest. He became nothing but a puppet for the cult.

IDK what else to add so yeah, so far this is the very rough idea.

[angelmichelangelo]

If we did get foot solider Mikey like we deserve what would be the whole plot exactly of it? because the premise is how Mikey feels like a failure and that his brothers don't understand him and that he feels alone how would that be excuted exactly because 1. this adds more layers to Mikey that aren't ever really utilized and 2 Raph and Leo are a big problem in this scenario because they would just blame each other throughout the whole process along with trying to get Mikey back while arguing which would upset him even more since neither can own up to their mistakes and than Donnie has to figure out how to stop everything the fighting the convincing Mikey.

ooh okay! this is just me coming up with an idea on the fly so bare with me.

so imagine the movie opens up not long since the events of the last movie. they’re moving past the whole winters situation and starting to work more as a team, notably leo and raph who are getting along again and donnie is less stressed and it takes off SUCH a huge weight off mikey’s mind because of course he was constantly worrying about whether his family would heal itself again and here they are! happy together. and then comes along that good ol’ turtle luck.

idk how shredder comes back. it’s not really ever established in the first movie, or maybe i cant remember if he died? or disappeared. but imagine he comes back. some freaky magic (either on purpose or on accident by karai depending on whether you want her to be REALLY bad after her truce in the first movie lol) and suddenly they have shredder back on their tails.

the attack comes so out of left field - imagine they’re just goofing off on a roof with a hosepipe (iykyk) and then BAM leo goes down and raph is yelling his name and there’s panic.

they’ve trained for this, but the attack catches them off guard. they’re not prepared and since they’re still finding their footing as a team again, the foot are able to get the underhand.

mikey is calling out attack ideas but leo, in a panic, isn’t taking on board of what he’s saying. neither is raph and nor is donnie, too focused on the foot, each of the brothers don’t pay much attention to what mikey is suggesting. mikey, growing fustrated as he believes his idea would work, doesn’t get a chance to play any of his plans out after he’s knocked off the roof.

the brothers try and catch him but fail, letting their brother plummet to the street below. before they can go down and get him, the shredder appears (maybe in a crack of lightning lol very dramatic) and leo is like “you????”

they fight with the shredder for a bit, leo barking out orders for one of them to slip away and go grab mike but whenever one of them tries to leave the rooftop, it’s futile, they’re stopped by the foot; made to fight and unable to reach their brother to see if he’s alright.

then, just as fast as they appeared, the foot and shredder disappear. leo thinks it’s odd, but now that the foot are out of the way, they’re rushing down to make sure mikey is alright only to realise… he’s gone.

mask, nunchucks and cell phone (for the purpose of donnie not being able to track him) all left behind, it slowly dawns on them what’s happened.

it then switches perspectives of mikey who’s slowly waking up in some cage. unsure of where he is, we see Karai stroll in, looking torn.

she tells mikey something along the lines of “i didn’t want it to have to be this way but you must understand my loyalty to the foot comes before whatever promise i made to you.”

mikey is confused like “who even are you lady? where am I?”

and karai, realising what’s happened reports back to shredder like “uh yeah he’s lost his memory i think” and shredder is like “okay. change of plans”

(he originally kidnapped one of the turtles to draw the rest of them + splinter to him but now he’s having Evil Thoughts)

so he goes to mikey like “um yes you’re a sad lonely mutant. your family didn’t want you, i saved you”

mikey tries to remember but can only recollect the last hazy memories where his brothers weren’t listening to him so he’s like “it must be true?”

ANYWAY the boys are panicking because they need to get to mikey and they’re sure it’s a trap but they don’t care cos they beat shredder before, they’ll do it again but they’re pretty taken aback when they realise getting into foot hq isn’t as easy as they though if shredder was just trying to lure them in. so like. what is his plan with mikey?

meanwhile shredder is training mike with a new pair of chucks, a black mask, he’s feeding him lies about how his family had no faith in him or wanted him in their team. mikey distresses that even if it’s true, he doesn’t want to harm anyone.

and shredder is like “oh yeah no we’re not about that here. we have honour”

meanwhile karai is unsure whether it’s a good idea what he’s doing or not. of course she’s part of the foot but in the shredders absence she was shaping it into something else and so she confronts shredder and this pisses him off and so he starts Plotting.

meanwhile the boys and splinter are making plans to get mikey back and so they sneak in to the foot hq one night, and shredder can see right through their plan but he lets them in (to which again leo is like. this is too easy something is wrong)

it’s then that shredder kills Karai (sorry karai) and shredder alerts mikey like “look what they did!! these monsters have no honor killing my Karai in her sleep like this! we have to avenge her!!”

and mikey doesn’t want to have to kill but he believes in putting his family first so he vows to avenger his “sister”.

so he goes up against leo raph and don who all are trying to get him to snap out of it once they realise what’s happening but mikey has already been warned by shredder that they might pull those kinds of tricks to get him to go with them.

basically they fight and whatever and it goes back and forth between them all, and eventually we have another rainy rooftop scene because they’re my favourite and it’s down to leo and mikey now and mikey is like “you don’t want me! shredder appreciates me!” and leo is like “he doesn’t he’s just USING you!!” mikey is torn and confused because he’s pretty sure his memories are slowly coming back.

leo apologies to mikey for not listening to him before. he apologises for putting him in danger and for the whole situation so far and then so do raph and donnie from where they’re sprawled out from where mike kicked their asses lol

and then just as mikey is about to switch sides, shredder comes out of nowhere and smacks him across the roof and leo is PISSED

all three brothers go back against shredder and they’re failing when suddenly mikey gets back up, the knock on his head giving him his memories back (because movie logic) and this time when he gives his directions and plans, they listen and execute it and they’re able to beat shredder :3

UH yeah that’s it. they go home and eat pizza and give their brother a big fat hug and it’s very happy and nothing bad ever happens to them again.

i literally made this up as a i went along so it’s missing characters and not that good but that’s just personally the kind of thing i’d like to see. idk lemme know your thoughts :)

[doctorguilty]

Guh

I've been sleeping all day but I'm still so sleepy ... I keep having weeks like this, which is how I know the chronic fatigue is bad because the summer (or summer weather, since it started early) has always been my most active time of year.. which makes me upset in and of itself, that I'm losing even the few months a year I have to be happy and productive. 3/4ths of my life, sometimes even more, is spent in a bed now. It's depressing.

The only hope I have is when I eventually move out of where I am, having more places to non-stressfully roam in a house will make me feel better, it's just hard to conceptualize when I've seldom lived in situations where I wasn't confined to a bedroom for one reason or another..

Like I have projects I want to do, but they require me leaving my room and working in a larger and/or more ventilated space, but the stress of being bothered (or just being exposed to the sheer loudness that goes on here) immediately KILLS my motivation, and by the time everyone is asleep (midnight) I have no daylight to keep my brain awake (and too dark to do anything I wanted to do outside for sure). Even making substantial food is a hassle and I often wait until midnight for that (though I often feel so tired by then I just continue eating snacks cause I don't have energy to make anything)

Maybe if I had more space to be free I'd not succumb to tiredness so quickly? Because honestly it's like... when it happens I don't fight it well because what reward is there.. I can.. be on my phone, play video games, watch tv...? Creative stuff requires more awakeness. I just sorta accept all I can do is sleep...it's miserable

I almost have the paperwork done for the fiance visa application, just need a photo from my partner and a few more documents/info filled out on my end..but it'll likely be minimum a year before that is processed. Could be even two years for the whole thing.

The thought of living like this for another 1-2 years is mind numbing, but there's nothing I can do. At all. This is it. I just have to sleep though 3/4ths of it I guess and dream of what it'd be like to have a quiet living room no one will be upset at me for using

[marta-bee]

It's a truly bizarre time to be an American these days.

I mean, I've voted. I've logged about 10 hours in a get out the vote phone bank. I've donated both to campaigns and some progressive causes the campaign's reminded me are important. I've talked to my friends and relatives. I'm signed up and trained to be a poll registrar on Tuesday. I've asked off work.

There's really little left to do beyond comforting and supporting the Kid. Have I really talked about her beyond just in passing on here? She's the child of a neighbor from NYC, and I'm very close to her and her mom. It's her first presidential election, and she's also a first-generation American (and Muslim to boot), so she's as stressed over the political situation as you'd imagine. Which means I'm handling that side of things as well as you'd expect, too (namely: not at all).

But practically, I'm running out of ways to get involved. I may do another phone bank shift this weekend. Probably I could do with some mental rest before Tuesday and whatever comes after. The reality is most folks I speak to, personally or volunteer-wise, have already voted or at least made up their minds. There's not many people left I can convince.

It's going to suck, whatever happens.

I mean, yes, obviously better if Harris wins. But even that's going to suck bigly. Make no mistake: I am invoking all known and unknown deities, crossing fingers and toeses, etc. on that one, because the practical aspects really will be much better if she wins. But even with that happy outcome, our country is still a steaming pile of division, distrust, and disjointed takes on reality at the moment. If Trump wins I'll be Upset (I highly suspect day-drinking will enter into it...), but even if he doesn't we'll have to live with the reality that so many people felt estranged and alienated that they could be swept up in this. This is coming from somewhere real, and while hate enters into it, it's not just that. And those people will be a large part of Congress. SCOTUS will still be SCOTUS. And if they lose, even if they accept it (by no means a given), they'll still be hurt and incentivized to keep up the division.

I do need to put something in writing (again...), for myself if no one else. Trump could win, and if he does I'll accept the truth of those results. I'll also get geared up to fight back as hard as I can, but through the civic process not by trying to overturn the debate. Because as awful as Trump & Co. are, America's ideals are bigger than any one candidacy. Yes, even than them.

That feels almost like the faith of Job these days, but it's faith nonetheless I guess. Here's hoping it turns out to be enough.

[beardedmrbean]

KENOSHA COUNTY, Wis. - A Kenosha County elementary school staff member was taken into custody, accused of sexual misconduct involving a child, on Wednesday.

Parents at Riverview Elementary in Silver Lake told FOX6 News they feel shocked and outraged – and are still trying to process the news.

"I'm disgusted, you know? These are young kids," parent Jessica Sade said.

"It just blows my mind that something like this would happen at this school," said parent Jessica Dechow, who told FOX6 the staff member was an aid to her child. "My heart just sunk. It fell. We're still trying to deal with it."

The Kenosha County Sheriff's Department's Sensitive Crime Unit began an investigation into the 33-year-old woman on Wednesday. Officials said the alleged misconduct involved a current and former student of the school. Officials said, while it is early in this investigation, they determined the misconduct did not happen during school hours or on school property.

"I was very upset that she would choose to use, potentially, her position to abuse a child, when she's supposed to be seen as a mentor," said parent Ashlyn Witting.

Public records show the 33-year-old woman was booked on pending charges of first-degree child sexual assault with a person under the age of 13, exposing genitals/intimate parts to a child, child exploitation and possession of child pornography. The Kenosha County Sheriff's Department identified her as Anna-Marie Crocker and provided a photo.

"She deserves to be in jail. It's gross, and people like that don't deserve to be out, because who knows how many times it's going to happen," said Sade.

According to the school district's website, the woman started as a substitute in 2020 and became a full-time educational assistant the following year. Parents, like Witting, said situations like this are uncomfortable but spark necessary conversations with children.

"We explain to them sometimes there are adults out there who choose to make scary choices for children, and here are some of the warning signs," Witting said.

More charges may be forthcoming as the investigation unfolds. Investigators encourage anyone with pertinent information on this case to come forward. Simply contact the Kenosha County Sheriff’s Department Detective Bureau at 262-605-5102.

Letter from Kim Taylor, school district administrator, to families:

Dear Riverview School Families and Staff,

I want to follow up on the communication I sent you earlier today regarding the arrest of a Riverview School staff member by the Kenosha County Sheriff’s Department. The statement from the Sheriff earlier this evening indicated that the alleged misconduct did not occur during school hours or on school property. We remain in contact with local law enforcement to support their ongoing investigation.

We understand that this situation can be difficult for our students, families and staff to process. Please know that our school counselors are here and ready to provide support as needed. We strongly encourage any students who need some extra help to visit the counseling office at any time—they are here for you. We have asked our teachers to direct all questions and concerns to administrators or our school counselors.

We want to remind everyone of the importance of being vigilant and report any concerns to our administration. This is distressing news and we understand that emotions can impact behavior so we want to stress the importance of maintaining a respectful environment for all individuals. Our focus at this time is on our students and making sure they have access to the safe, supportive, and welcoming learning environment they need and deserve.

Thank you for your attention to this important update. I am available for questions and look forward to continuing to support all students.

[pixie-mask]

I’m already not dealing too well with some things and now that I realize what month it is, my mind is going into a spiral. Because there’s just little and little things and big and big things and they’re just balancing horribly for me.

For starters, my money has been in an extremely shit state this year due to a mixture of over eating, snacking, having to cover my bank balance going into the negative, treating myself with items, still backing Kickstarters, and a newly forming gambling problem.

My finances have been hell and since I’ve been living with my mom, I have to pay here and borrow from her when necessary so I’ve been stressing from trying to hide how bad my money (and money handling skills are)

That also is a big problem, but it also connects to the core problem of November and that’s this trip were meant to be taken. First of all, I don’t know if the trip is gonna happen. We are treating it like it is to look on the brighter side of things, but frankly we, my mom, especially, are very concerned about my grandfather. His health has been in a rather rough state for several months and with each month it doesn’t look to be improving and I don’t know what my mom would do with herself if we were out of state and he passed away

But we’re trying to look on the bright side of things, so let’s say that he, hopefully, praying, makes it through and stays with us and his health improves greatly. Then we have to stress about the trip.

We’re going to Thailand by the way. And we barely finish paying off the expenses for it in September. So now it’s time to sit down and figure out even more money money for when we’re there money to buy new clothes which is a double problem for me even more because I am obese

So I get the additional joy of stressing out about clothes. And then there’s like other variety of little things we have to make sure to do before we even go on our trip. Like making sure that everything is situated for my uncle and his family to take care of my grandfather and his dog and my two dogs. So amongst all all of this, it means also getting our house in order which has been its own problems with successfully, moving things out early to have to backtrack and move new things in, and trying to re-organize. Which displaces things once more, causing new belts of anger, annoyance, awareness, and defeat. I’m wondering if I need to have the dosage of my medicine raised.

Not to mention, I don’t know how this is going to affect my current job. I’m a retail worker and I hate it, but it’s the only job that I have and I’m not sure what to even look for. But I was not granted the days from my vacation off.

Which means I have to use these PPTO hours to cover the days that I will miss, but that’s only once I know what days those are and even then, unless they give me a shorter set of hours like they’ve been doing mostly, though I am this week working a 40 hour week. Then I can’t guarantee that I I have enough PPTO to not lose my damn job. So I’m freaked over that and I I just don’t know because I already need to be looking for a new job. I need one that I don’t need to be on my feet a lot or most of the time or at all. It also have to have good benefits. Though it doesn’t help that I am an absolute failure, klutz, dumbass excuse a human being. I also just have this weird inability to learn from my mistakes and to improve myself.

And those are just the big current issues tied together. That’s not getting into my continuous issues with with my writing and artwork wouldn’t seem like much. Maybe they are the most interested in life life in real time and not even getting to a level is kind of fucking with me honestly and depression and anxiety is not letting me process any of that well.

I honestly feel perpetually tired and upset and unhappy/uneasy/empty sometimes.

Don’t mistake my my cheer and silliness for what I feel or how I might actually feel when I write/reblog certain things