#still processing a stressful + upsetting situation so here i am

[intergalactic-chameleon]

still thinking about me crying while meeting with my teacher yesterday about my project… god it is so embarrassing when ur hating urself right in front of another person and theyre not like a super close friend or anything. and i dont think she was expecting me to be that upset too so that def made it more awkward for me if not also her. i really tried to keep super self deprecating comments to myself but… still. felt bad!

ik i shouldnt be embarrassed for having strong feelings that i couldnt hold back but man… i was so vulnerable yesterday and i really didnt want to have to be. especially in front of her in a public space 🙁 idk i feel like that put her in a weird position now that our relationship is a little bit more of a friendship (?)

(context: just earlier this week we both cried over her leaving the school and it was a sweet little bonding moment, and i have her phone number if i need to tell/ask her smth… )

idk it’s just another example of me feeling like im being “too much” even though im not trying to be overbearing. ugh worst fear is her feeling the need to tell me that she’s setting boundaries with me. i doubt that would happen but my mind is a nightmare factory and loves coming up with the most gut wrenching scenarios possible xx help me lol

[thegreymoon]

LMFAO, good for her 🤣🤣

I despise these kinds of games but I am glad she was not actually upset. While I have zero fucks to give about Gu Tingye, I love her a lot and her well-being is connected to him, I want him to have a good ending, but I primarily want all her integrity and dignity to stay intact. Also, fuck Fengxian with a 🌵

***

So, he didn't warn his newly post-partum wife of his grand scheme with the Emperor? 🤬

I realise the writers didn't want to let Minglan in on the secret for dramatic effect because revealing it to her would be revealing it to us, BUT COME ON.

This just makes him look like a bigger ass than usual and does nothing to endear him to me. He is literally torturing the wife who just gave birth to his child days ago and whom he claims to love, smh.

Also, does Shitou know?? He also seems extremely upset!

If Shitou doesn't know either, I will riot.

***

LMAO

He had a plan and everything, but Sheng Hong plans better 🤣🤣

***

Jeeeeeesus 😬😬

Poor Changbai.

***

I find it extremely ironic that Minglan is now whining about the law having procedures that must be followed when she followed none of them when kidnapping and torturing people herself.

She totally took the law into her own hands and would have killed Wang Ruoyu without any trial or process if her family hadn't stopped her, so I am finding it extremely hard to feel sympathy for her here.

***

God, when did she get so reckless and stupid?

She is manhandling the literal Empress! What were the writers thinking?

I am appalled.

But, OK, I had a good 69 episodes, I will live through these last four and still be satisfied, but it is incredible how badly 99% of c-dramas manage to derail right before the finishing line.

***

Endless stupidity.

It's the writers who have gone crazy.

***

LOL, what is she doing back?

I thought we had seen the last of her.

***

LMAO? Concerned? Her?

Honestly, fuck Wang Ruofu and her concern after all these years and the hell she caused.

***

LMAO, for real?

Opportunistic until the end.

With that said, Minglan will never do it because there is no accounting for taste and she unfortunately loves him already.

***

Oh, Big Madam, you give his shitty ass too much credit.

He already knows and we already saw his reaction. He is overjoyed.

***

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

HE'S TESTING HER? NOW? IN THIS SITUATION? HE'S TESTING HER TO SEE IF SHE WILL LEAVE HIM?

***

Instead of TELLING HER what he's doing, he's pulling this crap, smh.

***

Aww, he's crying 😥

OK, so I may have misjudged his intentions. He was not doing it to test her but to protect her. He seems to think she will be in genuine danger while he's doing this. Which, true, if he dies during this shitshow, the Emperor can't exactly admit to a ploy and restore Minglan to her former honours.

***

Heh.

I wouldn't take him back either, especially once I find out that the whole disaster was actually fake.

***

I wonder how long that will last 🙄

***

I cannot stress this enough, you two are the last thing this storyline needs right now.

***

Because the writers have decided to turn her into an idiot for dramatic effect, that's why.

[koukaimagines]

Hello!! What do you think of a scenario where a goofy reader goes quiet bc of yoon says something like “can you be serious for one second? I wish you’d just stop!” bc he’s stressed out. Then reader stays quiet for a few hours and the HHB don’t really notice until yoon catches her by herself and realizes she’s crying and was trying to hide she felt bad about it cue clearing misunderstandings and fluff!!

I think that sounds very interesting anon! Thank you for sending this one in! Yoon is so cute and I love writing him. Cue silly squabble followed by fluff! I hope this is good, I'm still a little rusty after prying my way out of writer's block and this is my first time writing a scenario request in a WHILE. But I had so much fun writing him! So once again, thank you! I hope any Yun fans reading enjoy it too.

Side note- I never know how to spell his name. Akayona seems based off of ancient korea with the names at least so Yoon feels right to me but I'm so used to seeing it spelt as Yun! I'll keep to Yoon in the writing for now, but what do you guys think?

Reader pronouns are she/her as used in anon's ask!

word count: 1402

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yoon

The past few days have been awfully tense for the Happy Hungry Bunch and the Dark Dragon. Resources have been low and all your faces are fresh in the minds of the Kouka citizens. You’re on the run. Your access to village traders and merchants isn’t as lenient as it used to be— you’re forced to wear your hoods over your heads and keep out of sight.

On guard duty, while you and Yoon weren’t looking, a bundle of herbs was carried off by curious critters into the depths of the forest. Luckily, it was nothing you didn’t have seconds of, but resources being as scarce as they were, it weighed on Yoon’s mind quite heavily. 

“Crap— What were you doing??? That could’ve— ugh—” The young genius clenched his hands into fists as his mind turned upside down, trying to find a solution that didn’t exist. His fists loosened, and he found nothing but the end of his sentence. “That was at least one injury’s worth of herbs. Those plants don't grow around here.” He said, turning his back to you and crouching near his bag. He knew this wasn’t the time for an argument. He himself didn’t quite have the energy for one either.

"Well, at least the animals won’t have to worry about an injury then," you smirk, trying to ease his mind with a cute joke. You smile at the thought of raccoons putting their opposable thumbs to use with a rock somewhere, pounding the weeds the way you see Yoon do so often.

Unfortunately, your joke didn't quite land with him.

“Are you being serious?” He turns to you as he's crouched.

“I dunno, when am I ever?” You chuckle, not noticing how his tone is darker than it usually is when he banters with you. You smile at him in hopes that your expression would make him realize the situation itself wasn’t as dire as he made it out to be.

Yoon’s brows furrowed, and your smile faded. He rapidly shot up from his spot, his beautiful features scrunched in a scowl.

“Well, would it kill you to be serious for once??” He thundered. You blinked, trying to process his tone, why he was so upset— and why at you. His gaze grew more intense at your silence. “This is no time to be joking around! Do you realize that??? We’re already low on resources as it is, and you know with this group, injuries are as inevitable as there are stars in the sky!” 

Yoon bit his lip to try to put a lid on his boiling emotions. This was not the time. He needs to prepare for dinner.

“What’s wrong?” A voice emerges from beyond the tree trunks. Yona hurriedly steps through the beaten path and takes a glance back and forth between your expressions.

“What, are they fighting or something?” Hak strolls in, carrying a stack of twigs in his arm. You stay quiet. You don’t know how to answer that, at least not seriously, you suppose.

“Not really.” Yoon mumbles, turning his back to you once more to sort through the edible flora he’s found throughout the day. “Leave your wood by that trunk, Thunder Beast.” 

Your face feels numb at his answer, and you stare at the small back that never failed to support you and everyone else around him. His words echo in your head as footsteps approach you.

“Are you alright?” A dignified voice addresses you, and you look up to see Kija gazing at you with concern laced in his brow. You force a smile.

“Y-Yeah! Why wouldn’t I be? Yoon and I kinda messed up a bit, that’s all… Some raccoons had their way with some of his herbs.” You mutter, busying yourself by taking some materials the returning group brought back.

Kija eyed you with concern as you set down some dry leaves for kindle, but didn’t pry.

---------------------------

The tree branches rustled as the wind carried night across the sky. The fire lapped at the cold air of the season, and dinner was ready. Scooping some soup into some wooden bowls, Yoon bellowed the signal.

“Okay, good work everyone! Dinner’s ready.”

Six bodies crowded around the pot. Yoon raised a brow at the odd void he felt after seeing everyone present— everyone but you.

“Where’s Y/N?”

His question incited many heads to turn and scan the area.

“Ah… come to think of it, she said she’d be going to the bathroom…” Jaeha noted. “Quite some time ago,” he smirked awkwardly, trying to mask his worry as he noted the different colour of the sky now as opposed to when you spoke to him.

Concern began to shape Yoon’s features. “A while ago? Which way did she go?” His heart and mind began to race. His eyes wavered as he stood, and he set the ladle down in the pot filled with a concoction of gruel and herbs. 

“She stepped off somewhere that way. I’ll take Shinah with me, so you can sit tight, Yoon. I’ll bring your little darling back soon.” Jaeha winked. Yoon felt his cheeks warm.

 “She’s not!—” The pretty boy genius cut himself off as he swallowed his pride. This was not the time to fall for Jaeha’s antics. He sifted through the possible fates you might be subject to while his eyes aren’t on you, and a sudden pang hit his chest. At the same moment, Yoon struck an odd realization. 

Were you bothered by what he said earlier? 

Concern started to blur into frustration, annoyance, and guilt. “God… you idiot! What a pain...” He exclaimed under his breath. “Ugh, I’ll look for her! I need to talk to her!” He blurted, hurriedly gathering a few supplies and setting off towards the direction Jaeha pointed in.

------------------------

It didn’t take long for Yoon to find you. You were a little ways out by the river. When he found you, the moonlight kissed your tears as they fell. You were hugging your knees as you watched the steady flow of the stream. The young boy clenched his chest in an attempt to quell an ache he knew he caused.

“Hey, Y/N—” He stepped closer to you, feeling his cheeks warm from the awkward predicament he’s put himself in. He tried to gather the words, but they just didn’t seem to want to come out. “You know, I—”

“I’m sorry,” you managed to say. He held his tongue. His throat felt tight.

That was his line.

“We’re dying just to survive— and I’m making light of things, I’m sorry. You were right.” You muttered through your sleeves as you wiped your disobedient tears. Yoon blinked. That’s not what he wanted to hear, and he was sure that wasn’t not the point you wanted to come to.

“That’s— That’s not it, Y/N, I—” He sighed. He set down his makeshift light source and sat down a ruler’s distance from you. “I’m the one who should be saying sorry. I completely went overboard—” He turned his gaze to the river. “I shouldn’t have raised my voice at you like that.” He balled his hands into fists on his lap as he fretted over you dimming your warm radiance all because of him. As silly as you were, your idiocy kept the group smiling on some of your worst nights— some of his worst nights— and was a warmth that was irreplaceable in his eyes. “We might be dying to survive, but— w-we can afford to spare a few weeds here and there.” He spoke haughtily.

His blue eyes shined as he lifted his gaze. He took a few shy glances at you before mumbling.  

“A-At least the animals won’t have to worry about an injury anymore, right?”

You turned to him in surprise. His cheeks were red and he looked away when you looked at him. A smile creeped on your lips— that one definitely landed for you.

"Yeah. Do you think raccoons would grind the herbs the way you do? They've got opposable thumbs, don't they?"

His eyes widened as his gaze returned to you. Your smile was infectious, and he began to feel its symptoms.

"You idiot." He whispered. "Even if they did, they wouldn't be able to do it half as well as I can."

With that, you both chuckled in each other's company before you made your way back for dinner.

[funnylovepuppis]

I should probably shut up about it because there is so many other people talking about it. But I can't stay silent about it. I can't stress enough how upset and uncomfortable I am with being here in buddie fandom right now.

As a bisexual myself, I agree with the importance of its representation in mainstream media. Especially when it comes to male characters, who are really low in static speaking. We can all agree on this, and hopefully, we can all see it. I'm really thrilled about Bi Buck's journey and about finding his happiness. He's not fixed, he just found out about his other sides he never knew they were existed before. As @m3r1m4r5u333 said in their post, bisexuality is not a personality, just a small piece in whatever color that is a part of many more pieces of soul. Buck, like many real-life people, is trying to figure out himself. I honestly don't think that self-journey will ever stop, not just on sexuality but on many other things. That's how living is, right? So yes, it's very exciting and kind of carefree for him, and I'm truly happy. He deserves it big time after all that he has been through. And I really think that Tommy is genuinely the right person for him at the moment.

But aside from me being bi, I'm also demisexual. Honestly it's more than that for me, because besides the need for emotional connection before sexual intimacy, I need some degrees of emotional connection before even getting into dating. So as you can see, I'm very much attached to Buck and Eddie relationship. I'm mostly finding myself a lot in Eddie's character. I do feel a lot of pressure on starting to date someone nowadays. And I'd probably be single for a long time because that's kinda how how people go to date. You meet someone you like and interested to explore the romantic dynamic and that someone is a completely stranger to you so it's kind of scary and stressful.. I'd rather be someone's friend and then lover..

Yes, best friends have a different kind of love than just two friends. That doesn't necessarily mean that it must have a romance subtext or under the surface, especially when it comes to two people of the same gender. And sure, all the things related to buddie are open to interpretations and any ways that people who see it differently are pretty legit.

We can argue about why things are the way they are. I can acknowledge that Eddie is not in the same emotional place as Buck, and it can be taking a long process for him, if at all, to realize his own feelings about himself and Buck. But at the same time, I can say that although it seems like Buck and Eddie communicate in a very healthy way, there's a sense of underground miscommunication that leaves both of them scared to make a move or talk about their deep feelings and observations on their own relationship. Because what they have is great, so why ruin it for a good change, right? And there is lots of evidence that saying buddie are partially soulmates. Having back from each other. Their reactions are when the other one is in a dangerous situation, such as the firetruck, the wall, the shooting, and the lighting strike. The will. The family moments of Buckley-Diaz. Going to each other's home as a safe place. The teasing from surrounding people about them. The jealousy. Their parallels to other couples on the show/

I guess I'm trying to say to the people who are feeling like some people are not very happy about Bucktommy because they are not appreciative of the new queer couple or the very fact that it's B-Buck canon. I understand the need for bi-representations and am happy to see that. It seems very worth the long wait for this. And yet, I want to say, give buddie stans time, including me. Because our feelings are legitimate and matter, too. It may come as rude or not excited about Bucktommy, but I think this is coming from being afraid and uncomfortable with how quickly many people from the fandom are shifting from Buddie to Bucktommy, even if they still believe in Buddie Endgame. Give us time to fall in love with this couple and connect with them. Give us time to warm up for them. Give us time because we have been attached to Buddie for 5 long years. We have been memorizing all of the episodes, plots, and quotes. Writing for 5 years, Buddie fics. Making beautiful gifsets and fan art.

Thank you for reading this if you have reached this far. 🩷

[thejesterstears]

I am gonna ramble here a bit, partially meta and partially headcanon so...? Bear with me lol.

So I had seen someone share that according to the series' pitch doc, Pomni is described as a "rational and level-headed" person (I have not seen the doc myself as it was only shared via Glitch Inn, but if anyone else has it available I would love to see the whole thing). And I think the show has already done a wonderful job of portraying this part of her, in episode 2 alone. I know some people were preemptively worried that "nervous" was going to be her one defining trait, basing it on her behavior in the pilot alone, so it was great to see that there's so much more to her. And while honestly I do hope that her anxiety plays at least a partial role in the series--specifically her learning to overcome it while relying on her new friends in this digital hellscape she now calls home--I really love the direction her character has taken so far. She's proven already to be a thoughtful, logical, level-headed person able to help others and is well-articulated in expressing as much.

On that note, I do still think she very likely struggles with anxiety. This is all theorizing that could very well get thrown right out the window as more episodes come out and we learn more about her, but just hear me out. I fully believe that the reason she was able to sympathize so closely with Gummigoo's fears and feeling of nothingness is because she has personally experienced those feelings herself even before her life in the circus (evidenced by her stating that it's something she is familiar with "where she's from," in her old life). She understands how painful it is to endure and doesn't like to watch others suffer the way she has, and wants to be able to provide what comfort she can and grasps better what might help ease some of his sorrow because she knows what has helped/would have helped her to hear. As someone with anxiety who also has a tendency to reach out to others due to empathizing heavily with them, I really related to this scene and her actions a lot.

I'd also like to touch upon the fact that it's apparent how Pomni is also the type who responds better to talking out her emotions, to feeling like she is being listened to and understood, rather than blindly told that everything will be okay and attempting to be cheered up (hence, why she was so turned off by Ragatha's "toxic positivity" and felt that she was being talked down to, despite Ragatha's good intentions). She recognized that Gummigoo was in a bad place, one that she related to deeply, and rather than try to cheer him up she heard him out and validated his feelings--the way that she needed to be heard and validated in her struggles. I think this would be part of her "rational" mind at work, needing to actually sort out her emotions and talk about them with someone who really understands where she's coming from in order to process and feel better about the situation rather than be pacified about her feelings (because it really sucks to simply be told everything will be fine and to not worry about it when you have anxiety and are already upset about the situation). Gummigoo inadvertently helped her as much as she helped him, by giving her sort of a vehicle for airing out those feelings and sympathizing with someone on how miserable it is.

This next note might not be much on its own but I felt like it was worth bringing up because it was something that had been on my mind since first watching the pilot--while she is more than capable of being level-headed and a practical problem solver, it seems that under severe stress she's more likely to make bad decisions. I honestly hesitate to say she was being selfish in abandoning Ragatha twice in the pilot, because she was reacting on fight-or-flight impulses in a situation that was extremely unfamiliar and terrifying to her while also still trying to convince herself that this was only a dream rather than actually trying to desert her. She did make an effort to help before her desperation for an escape took over. But it seems clear that in certain situations she lets her panic cloud her judgement. We also see that she easily dissociates entirely when under extreme stress, needing to be snapped back to attention, and she also expresses very self-protective body language (keeping her arms close in front of her, keeping her shoulders hunched, she also tends to hold her own arm at times as if self-comforting the same way Ragatha tends to do).

So. Those are just some observations from what we have seen of her so far, of her anxious tendencies but also her ability to be a source of emotional support to others likely based on her own experiences.

This kind of leads me into what I would love to see in the series, going forward. Now that we've seen that Pomni is beginning to accept her fate and realize she's not alone in her predicament, I'd love to see how she might end up really learning to rely on the others to help keep her tethered to her sense of self in her new life, help her cope with her anxieties as they arise. But I'd equally love to see her helping her new "family" here, as well, in along the same vein as she helped Gummigoo. Just an example, but I would love to see her actually confront Ragatha on her endlessly sunny disposition when she clearly sees how forced it is sometimes, and let her know it's okay to just not be okay and to allow herself to be vulnerable and sad and angry about their situation sometimes...because I feel like if anyone is going to be able to get Ragatha to open up, it would be Pomni. A fresh face in the circus who understands how hard it can be to not feel heard and to struggle alone, who doesn't want anyone to feel as if they are nothing the way she very likely has in the past (and, as evidenced by her fears of being quickly forgotten in her own nightmares, still likely struggles with).

I hope my rambling here makes sense but TL;DR--I adore Pomni so much, how she's a multi-faceted character who has a lot to offer in the circus whether or not she realizes it yet, who has her own fears and anxieties but can also use her own experiences to help others and offer the kind of hope and empathy that she would also want to receive. She's anxious but she's also smart and reasonable and capable of being emotionally sensitive with others. I'm so excited to see even more of her character development and how she learns to cope with her new life, and how she might help others cope as well.

(End disclaimer: please bear in mind that all of this comes from someone who struggles greatly with anxiety and also sees a lot of myself in Pomni so recognizes certain patterns that make me conclude that she very likely has anxiety as well)

[damnation-if]

Hi, I just played the demo and I loved it! I was wondering if you could give us an estimate of when the next update is coming?👉👈 (Or link a relevant post, if you already talked about and I just didn't scroll down far enough to see it 😆)

Also, I wanted to check, can you be in a romantic relationship with more than one character, and not just a sexual one? Because I might be in love with every single character in this game 🤭

hi, thank you! i'm glad you're enjoying the game :) i've answered the question about romancing multiple characters a couple of times in a couple of different asks but the posts all kind of link back to each other so you should be able to find all the info by. following the various links in each ask i think, starting here XD

i'm going to put the answer to your other question under a cut because some of it is quite emotional for me

i did Sort Of talk about this at the time when it happened, by which i mean that rather than making a post, i talked about it in the tags of an unrelated post i was using to distract myself (i think it was character playlists and how i'm not sure if it's a good idea to do them or not if i recall), but earlier this year while i was already going through a really rough time, my laptop died and i lost a lot of work on the game.

i knew my laptop was old and that this was possibly approaching so i made regular backups and the good news is that because i write in a separate word document and keep backups of those also i didn't actually lose any Writing. however. my twine has a problem in that every second or third game file that i publish from the build is Haunted - it contains passages i removed weeks ago, or writing that i deleted long before publishing it, that kind of weird annoying shit. (other authors have seen my files do this lmfao) and i just have to hope that the backups i make either won't be needed or aren't haunted. anyway... because hope is futile, the last backup i made was indeed haunted, and utterly useless to me as a recovery file. because it's just twine, i still have all the writing, as i mentioned... but i would have to re-code the entire chapter and put it all back together again because of how much the file did not export, which is a complicated and daunting process.

so i made a rambling explanation of this in the tags of a post and decided to take maybe a couple of days off and cool down from this specific disaster before getting into it.

i wake up the next morning to find the IF community absolutely plastered all over with Helpful Informative PSA posts about how Silly it is not to make backups and how if you just make backups you'll never have problems again and you should know better than to not make backups.

now. i'm not a catastrophist. i know for a fact that nobody was making or spreading these posts out of cruelty or a desire to make me feel bad. i also know that it's not particularly realistic to expect people who don't even know me to hunt down the source of a piece of hearsay that's like "i heard from someone that someone said that an author lost a bunch of their files and is really upset about it" to find out what the situation is and whether or not it's what they imagine. i don't even think the vast majority of people knew who it was that was the author involved, or who i am either.

but to already be going through an extremely stressful time and then lose my laptop on top of that and then be obliquely referenced by people i thought of as my peers as kind of just a big silly bumbling goose who didn't know how to manage my files and a "don't be like this person" attitude really, really hurt me. i can't express just how deeply it hurt me. one particular author was openly laughing at me and saying it was my own fault for being too stupid to make backups using a certain twine peripheral program.

so. there was a period of time where i could have found the motivation to just restart the whole chapter myself and re-code it in a frenzy because i wanted to get right back into writing it because. like a lot of authors, i LOVE writing. that's why i do this even when it's difficult. but that potential recovery was sandblasted away by the reactions of people that i thought of as my colleagues in some sense (even though i understand that they didn't do it with bad intentions, in most cases). and i hope people can understand that it greatly lengthened the amount of time i needed to spend away from the game recovering emotionally, despite being a Very Small issue to most people. i'm literally upset again just typing out this answer lmfao

however one other small piece of good news is that my laptop seemingly just lost the ability to turn itself on (because of its age) so i Think the hard drive is intact. meaning that i think i can get someone to pull all the files off it and just have them back fine once i do. the other piece of bad news is that my life is a trainwreck! and i cannot afford that right now. which is why i sort of pivoted to writing the 2000 follower celebration sidegame as a way to enjoy myself while i hurtle through hell sdjgbdfhfdgh

shortly after this thing with the laptop the house i was living in was sold out from underneath me, even though it wasn't supposed to be, and i had to find somewhere to live with my 18 year old cat, but the city i lived in had zero places that would allow cats (they're totally fine with Dogs though of course) so i had to move to an entirely new city on my own while worrying about her health. and right now i spend every fortnight desperately trying to scrape together enough to survive the next fortnight. there were entire months where i had no access to internet! it's been pretty Bad!!

so i get that people really want updates, and i'm really flattered that people do and it makes me happy that people like the game so much. but i am currently expending so much time and energy trying not to die lmfao, and i need to save up the money to get my files back around that. i truly cannot tell you when the next update will be, but i promise you that it Haunts me, probably more than you can imagine XD the sidegame will Definitely come out before it though, if that's something you're looking forward to.

thank you again for your message, and i'm sorry that i don't have good news for you. but i am trying, constantly. every day.

[getherbanshee]

Dennis Takes a Mental Health Day Analysis

Hello, macdennis hive mind. Now, I know that was not the episode we were hoping for; however, I’m here to tell you that there is still hope for macdennis through my analysis of “dennis takes a mental health day.”

This is also not a spoiler free analysis, so you have been warned.

“It Wasn’t Real”/“It Was All a Dream” Trope

Yes, this trope is overplayed. Yes, I am upset that appeared in always sunny episode. However, they did what always does and subverted the trope and flipped it on its head. (I will get more into this in a minute.) So I can’t stay mad at them for this. A light round of applause. Once it is revealed that this is fake scenario that Dennis has created in his mind (just like me fr), we are able to explore some of the deeper meanings, symbolism, and metaphors throughout the episode.

Dennis’s difficulty and inability to integrate with change

Throughout the series it has become prevalent that Dennis is reluctant to change and progress with the most specific example being with Mac. Their dynamic has teetered throughout the show with Mac’s progression as a character and in turn Dennis’s regression as a character. With the devices such as Dennis being forced to change in his environment with his age, his health, the keyless car, a new car, cashless payment with an app in place, and the new phone, these are all catalogs to represent unwillingness to change and evolve and could be considered metaphors for his relationship with Mac. While Mac is changing and evolving like society, Dennis is stuck in the past where things were easy, made sense to him, and were less stressful with him to cope with because it’s what he knows. Mac changing is difficult for him to process because it is a) change and b) a new way to see his and Mac’s relationship. They aren’t the two best friends joint at the hip. They are something more. They are changing and evolving, yet Dennis refuses to admit or accept this.

Diamond Metaphor

This one’s kinda simple and saying that Dennis sees himself as one who works well under pressure and can take a terrible situation and fix it to make it better. However, this is just the opposite. As the gang was trying to make diamonds in the bar, they were doing it in a dangerous and unsafe way, which could worsen their situation, possibly starting a fire that could burn down Paddy’s. This goes in tandem with how Dennis reacts in most situations. By trying to fix what is “wrong” in the situation, he is fixing what would be best for him; however, this could permanently ruin a situation, like starting a fire or rejecting Mac in a way that was easier for Dennis to cope with than it was to just let Mac and accept him.

The System

Dennis is the system. I don’t know what else this could be other than Dennis is the system. Because we are in Dennis’s head, Dennis is creating these situations for himself where he is upset or gets angry, and it is his fault. He created these guidelines for himself that if something is not going his way or change is coming he gets angry and rejects it. These aren’t anyone else’s rules but his. You can then apply this reasoning to how he behaves around Mac. No one is saying he can’t be vulnerable with Mac other than himself because Dennis doesn’t enable himself to. Dennis doesn’t allow himself to open up to people, even someone he has been best friends with since high school. If he did let Mac in, that would mean he would have to accept that he was wrong and would have to talk to himself (talk to the person who created the system). It’s self-sabotage, and Dennis is the CEO of self-sabotage.

Little Note

I love that even in Dennis’s fake scenario Mac is still obedient to him, unlike Mac now, who is more independent and evolved. Mac believes that the call from Dennis is a test and obeys that they should not answer to anger Mac. In Dennis’s mind, Dennis clings to the idea that Mac should please and obey him, when that is not Mac anymore.

Im probably gonna have more to add onto this, but these are my thoughts on the subject for now. Please feel free to add on, agree, disagree, comment. Go nuts because I certainly was after this episode.

[angelmichelangelo]

If we did get foot solider Mikey like we deserve what would be the whole plot exactly of it? because the premise is how Mikey feels like a failure and that his brothers don't understand him and that he feels alone how would that be excuted exactly because 1. this adds more layers to Mikey that aren't ever really utilized and 2 Raph and Leo are a big problem in this scenario because they would just blame each other throughout the whole process along with trying to get Mikey back while arguing which would upset him even more since neither can own up to their mistakes and than Donnie has to figure out how to stop everything the fighting the convincing Mikey.

ooh okay! this is just me coming up with an idea on the fly so bare with me.

so imagine the movie opens up not long since the events of the last movie. they’re moving past the whole winters situation and starting to work more as a team, notably leo and raph who are getting along again and donnie is less stressed and it takes off SUCH a huge weight off mikey’s mind because of course he was constantly worrying about whether his family would heal itself again and here they are! happy together. and then comes along that good ol’ turtle luck.

idk how shredder comes back. it’s not really ever established in the first movie, or maybe i cant remember if he died? or disappeared. but imagine he comes back. some freaky magic (either on purpose or on accident by karai depending on whether you want her to be REALLY bad after her truce in the first movie lol) and suddenly they have shredder back on their tails.

the attack comes so out of left field - imagine they’re just goofing off on a roof with a hosepipe (iykyk) and then BAM leo goes down and raph is yelling his name and there’s panic.

they’ve trained for this, but the attack catches them off guard. they’re not prepared and since they’re still finding their footing as a team again, the foot are able to get the underhand.

mikey is calling out attack ideas but leo, in a panic, isn’t taking on board of what he’s saying. neither is raph and nor is donnie, too focused on the foot, each of the brothers don’t pay much attention to what mikey is suggesting. mikey, growing fustrated as he believes his idea would work, doesn’t get a chance to play any of his plans out after he’s knocked off the roof.

the brothers try and catch him but fail, letting their brother plummet to the street below. before they can go down and get him, the shredder appears (maybe in a crack of lightning lol very dramatic) and leo is like “you????”

they fight with the shredder for a bit, leo barking out orders for one of them to slip away and go grab mike but whenever one of them tries to leave the rooftop, it’s futile, they’re stopped by the foot; made to fight and unable to reach their brother to see if he’s alright.

then, just as fast as they appeared, the foot and shredder disappear. leo thinks it’s odd, but now that the foot are out of the way, they’re rushing down to make sure mikey is alright only to realise… he’s gone.

mask, nunchucks and cell phone (for the purpose of donnie not being able to track him) all left behind, it slowly dawns on them what’s happened.

it then switches perspectives of mikey who’s slowly waking up in some cage. unsure of where he is, we see Karai stroll in, looking torn.

she tells mikey something along the lines of “i didn’t want it to have to be this way but you must understand my loyalty to the foot comes before whatever promise i made to you.”

mikey is confused like “who even are you lady? where am I?”

and karai, realising what’s happened reports back to shredder like “uh yeah he’s lost his memory i think” and shredder is like “okay. change of plans”

(he originally kidnapped one of the turtles to draw the rest of them + splinter to him but now he’s having Evil Thoughts)

so he goes to mikey like “um yes you’re a sad lonely mutant. your family didn’t want you, i saved you”

mikey tries to remember but can only recollect the last hazy memories where his brothers weren’t listening to him so he’s like “it must be true?”

ANYWAY the boys are panicking because they need to get to mikey and they’re sure it’s a trap but they don’t care cos they beat shredder before, they’ll do it again but they’re pretty taken aback when they realise getting into foot hq isn’t as easy as they though if shredder was just trying to lure them in. so like. what is his plan with mikey?

meanwhile shredder is training mike with a new pair of chucks, a black mask, he’s feeding him lies about how his family had no faith in him or wanted him in their team. mikey distresses that even if it’s true, he doesn’t want to harm anyone.

and shredder is like “oh yeah no we’re not about that here. we have honour”

meanwhile karai is unsure whether it’s a good idea what he’s doing or not. of course she’s part of the foot but in the shredders absence she was shaping it into something else and so she confronts shredder and this pisses him off and so he starts Plotting.

meanwhile the boys and splinter are making plans to get mikey back and so they sneak in to the foot hq one night, and shredder can see right through their plan but he lets them in (to which again leo is like. this is too easy something is wrong)

it’s then that shredder kills Karai (sorry karai) and shredder alerts mikey like “look what they did!! these monsters have no honor killing my Karai in her sleep like this! we have to avenge her!!”

and mikey doesn’t want to have to kill but he believes in putting his family first so he vows to avenger his “sister”.

so he goes up against leo raph and don who all are trying to get him to snap out of it once they realise what’s happening but mikey has already been warned by shredder that they might pull those kinds of tricks to get him to go with them.

basically they fight and whatever and it goes back and forth between them all, and eventually we have another rainy rooftop scene because they’re my favourite and it’s down to leo and mikey now and mikey is like “you don’t want me! shredder appreciates me!” and leo is like “he doesn’t he’s just USING you!!” mikey is torn and confused because he’s pretty sure his memories are slowly coming back.

leo apologies to mikey for not listening to him before. he apologises for putting him in danger and for the whole situation so far and then so do raph and donnie from where they’re sprawled out from where mike kicked their asses lol

and then just as mikey is about to switch sides, shredder comes out of nowhere and smacks him across the roof and leo is PISSED

all three brothers go back against shredder and they’re failing when suddenly mikey gets back up, the knock on his head giving him his memories back (because movie logic) and this time when he gives his directions and plans, they listen and execute it and they’re able to beat shredder :3

UH yeah that’s it. they go home and eat pizza and give their brother a big fat hug and it’s very happy and nothing bad ever happens to them again.

i literally made this up as a i went along so it’s missing characters and not that good but that’s just personally the kind of thing i’d like to see. idk lemme know your thoughts :)

[sarkyfancypants]

Analysing Bob Velseb

Or my version of him at least given that there is barely any actual lore about him and any existing lore is ambiguously scattered and left up for interpretation.

This is by all means not intended to be entirely connected to the canon and it is all done for fun and I am open to discussing things as well.

I just can't decide what direction to go with my version of him. I am divided with the concept of whether evil is born or made. Starting with his upbringing, do I make him wicked from the start? Maybe he comes from a regular family of cattle owners. Let's say they weren't necessarily abusive, but we're strict, old-school conservative parents. Bob was maybe raised with a certain amount of stress, trauma, or frustration any child would experience in such a rough environment.

Father was a butcher and maybe tried to teach Bob, who was weirdly fascinated by the process. He was probably pushed to sacrifice his first animal at a young age which must have left a shocking imprint in his mind and from there developed a morbid interest in the business so in the future he chose to follow his old man's steps.

Bob grew up learning the nitty-gritty of butchering, unbothered by the gruesome process from the slaughter to handling the carcasses all the way to the kitchen. He became a connoisseur of everything about meat and developed a passion for cooking as a result.

Now from these doodles by Pelo (they may be done as a joke but I'm taking them with me, don't @ me) I like to think Bob does have at least some sympathy for the animals he has to sacrifice, understanding that it is something that has to be done in order to get the meat.

Maybe Bob's grown so desensitized to the slaughter process he doesn't feel too upset when he has to do it, while at the same time, he would still feel a twinge of remorse if he were to accidentally run over a dog. That's life after all. Up to this point, it's all ordinary. A regular dude with a regular job. Likes animals while at the same time having a job that requires killing certain animals for consumption.

Now let's take a look at his home. Some details here give me ideas.

The guy has a taxidermied deer head, either a trophy from hunting or roadkill, who knows. There are bones scattered around the floor (human or animal bones idk), and his furniture is covered with skin, human skin to be precise (a concept likely based on the criminal Ed Gein who later inspired horror movies like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) which I assume was surely done later during life as a killer.

I am willing to give into the idea that he was drawn into things like death and collecting the remains of deceased animals in general. What if he collected bones, teeth, pelts, and taxidermied animals as the beginning of his slow descent into his dark hobbies? Started with animals, then slowly began to fantasize about doing the same to human remains.

Bob seems like a jolly, charming fellow during his days before joining the cult. Maybe he wasn't all that wicked for the most part and would get along with people in general. But at the same time, just to spice things up, if he were to be in an unpleasant situation, he drops the facade revealing a much more stern, hot-tempered, and likely cruel side. You know you really fucked up when you piss off the sweet guy.

Taking a quick look back to his past, imagine growing up in a strict environment inciting a deep desire for control in the young child. Given how Bob enjoys tormenting his victims by intimidating them with his ominous presence and sometimes unsettling meat facts, he shows that he likes to be in control of the situation, minimizing the people around him. The guy must have a high ego (seriously, he has several pictures of his face framed at home, come on).

The guy probably never married. Maybe had a few love interests, but was a little too uncomfortable about the idea of getting into a committed relationship. He's not used to intimacy nor affection as he probably didn't get much as a child.

Now where does the cannibalism come in? Iunno. Perhaps in his first time unaliving somebody he had to hide the evidence somehow. Had the twisted idea of turning the remains into hamburger meat and the rest kept as trophies. He liked it so much he got hooked up and couldn't stop.

Then let's say the Cult comes into the scene. People from cults are in appearance regular people, that is until you have a conversation with them as they begin pushing ideologies and throwing buzzwords to recruit people. Somebody might have seen Bob as a potential recruit and tried to befriend him when he was still a young impressionable man and began filling his head with strange ideas, praising him, and filling his ego until his mind was finally manipulated.

Joining the cult was probably the point of no return. Bob was doomed to never have a regular life ever again. His crimes only got worse and his mind was broken, especially if we consider the possibility of him being exposed to "Eyes" and having that immortality cult talisman put into his chest. He became nothing but a puppet for the cult.

IDK what else to add so yeah, so far this is the very rough idea.

[missvelvetsstuff]

Guarded Heart

Bucky Barnes x Reader

MobAu

Chapter 22

Notes: sorry this took so long. I've been home for a week but everyone keeps interrupting my creative process. Anyhow here it is and we're almost at the end, last chapter is already half written so hopefully won't take too long.

Warnings: lite angst, swearing, a hint of dirty talk. I think that's it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"She's awake and asking for you"

Bucky felt his stomach drop at the thought of talking to Y/N right now. After the anger that washed over him as he found his room empty when she ran away to confront Zemo, then seeing her weak and barely coherent before she collapsed when Zemo was shot, Bucky wasn't sure he could keep himself from yelling or crying, either seemed likely but he-

He looked up as Y/N's mother interrupted his internal dialog, looked at him sternly. "Don't you go upsetting her, James. Stress will only extend her recovery time."

Bucky looked at the floor like a kid being chastised by their mother "Yes ma'am. I'll be good."

"You'd better. If you hurt her you'll see what a mobsters wife can do."

Bucky looked over at his own mother who was looking at him, arms crossed over her chest, nodding.

He headed up the stairs, anxiety racing through him.

When he arrived at his room he could hear singing, weak and off key but it was a song he recognized.

"Countryyyyy roooooads, taaake me hooooome, to the plaaaaace I belooohoong. West-"

She looked up at him, standing in the doorway with a goofy look on his face, and stopped singing.

Reaching her hand out for him she smiled, looking every bit as drugged up as she was "Jamie! Come sit with me."

How could he refuse an invitation like that. He sat on his bed, facing her and gently took her hand trying not to mess with her IV. "How are you feeling, doll?"

Her smile grew and she squeezed his hand "Awesome. Best I've been since the hospital."

Bucky smirked "Helen must have given you the good drugs."

Her eyes grew wide "Oh no, no, Jamie. I don't do drugs." She whispered loudly "Am I gonna get in trouble?"

He chuckled "Don't worry sweetheart, I'll keep your secret."

She looked at him shyly "Could you just hold me for a little bit?"

Bucky smiled "Of course, sweetheart." And pulled her into him.

"I'm gonna rest right now but we still need to talk" she slurred her words a bit as she curled into him and fell asleep. He relaxed and enjoyed her warmth next to him before dozing off himself.

Within a few days she no longer needed strong pain meds and was recovering well.

Bucky brought her some lunch "How are you feeling today? You look much better." He smiled warmly at her.

She shrugged "Improving, I guess. Getting bored of the same view. A little stir crazy."

They sat quietly for a moment before he spoke "You know, Y/N, you scared the Hell outta me. I wish you wouldn't rush into dangerous situations without thinking things thru."

She bristled "I wish you would listen to me and treat me as an equal. It wouldn't have been so dangerous if you hadn't blown me off."

Bucky felt his temper rising and tried to push it back down "You were in no condition to deal with Zemo. You had barely slept or eaten since your father died and you haven't taken proper care of your wounds since you lost your arm. What kind of fiance would I be if I just let you rush into a very dangerous situation like you did?"

She scoffed "Let me? If you let me? What are you my master? It's not your place to let me do anything, we're supposed to be partners and this won't work if you can't accept that. Besides, it wouldn't have been so dangerous if you had listened to me and backed me in the first place." She concentrated on her breathing to try and calm down.

Bucky sighed "Your father made me swear to protect you. I was trying to do the right thing, finally."

She shook her head "Is this some sort of sporadic protection based on your moods?"

Bucky shook his head "No, dammit Y/N I-" he took a deep breath and let it out slowly "I'm sorry. I don't know how to convince you of my sincerity. I'm trying to do better and I was worried about you. Which is why you will be under my personal care until Helen clears you."

She sat back and tried to relax again for a moment before her eyes filled with tears

"I'm sorry, Jamie. I know you didn't want me to go but I had to deal with Zemo myself. He's stalked me ever since I left him and I needed to see him go down." She looked around nervously

"He is gone, right? I don't really remember much after sneaking out."

Bucky considered telling her he was dead but there had been enough deceit since they agreed to marry so he stuck with the truth

"Zemo isn't dead but he was injured. Loki has him. He wants to make sure there aren't any other plots in the works. Zemo won't be getting anywhere near you again."

She nodded and visibly relaxed, then giggled "Good. Loki will take care of him." She squeezed his hand "Are we going to be ok? You sure you still want to marry me?" She paused "I mean knowing that I expect an equal partner?"

Bucky nodded and smiled softly at her "We're alright. I'd rather have a strong partner than some meek little wife. You scared the Hell outta me and I won't pretend I wasn't pissed but it's done now." He looked at her earnestly "Just please don't go off half cocked and throw yourself into trouble again."

She grinned at him "I can't promise I'll try but I'll try to try."

Bucky chuckled "Did you just quote Bart Simpson at me?"

She shrugged and smirked at him.

He ran a hand thru his hair "This is non negotiable. You're going to stay here and heal. Stop fighting me when I want to take care of you."

She huffed "Fine" leaned back and winced "Ugh, my whole body aches." then looked around "When can I get out of here?"

Bucky shook his head "Not any time soon. You're on bed rest until Helen says otherwise. I'll chain you to the bed this time if I have to, so be good."

She stuck her tongue out "I'm so much more fun when I'm bad."

He laughed again "I have no doubt, doll but being bad will have to wait until you are better."

"Do you think we should delay the wedding?" She looked around his room and smirked at him "I don't think we can fit everyone in here."

He shook his head at her, smiling "We'd better wait. I'm not marrying you until we can consummate the marriage." And winked at her.

She felt her face heat up and looked at her own hands, trying to ignore the heat in her core.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Over the next 3 months Y/N followed Helen Cho's instructions to the letter. Including physical therapy to adjust to life with only one arm.

She was able to spend some time with her horses and did some riding with her mother leading her around the arena on Daisy. She had some challenges getting her balance but they took their time, a couple of days a week, and slowly she regained her seat.

Y/N and Bucky went on a number of dates, getting to know each other. Mostly staying in at her parents house which had a gourmet kitchen, formal dining room, screening room, music room, library, pool and tennis court. Not to mention the backyard with its plush lawn, pond/waterfall and gazebo decorated with fairy lights.

She introduced him to her horses and promised to teach him how to ride after the wedding.

They both felt the same pull to the other but were hesitant after everything that they had been through.

After a number of their dates they were both feeling more relaxed together, sitting together on the swing next to the pond when Bucky turned to face Y/N and reached for her hand "Y/N, doll. I'm so glad that you gave me another chance. I've really enjoyed getting to know you and feel like I'm falling deeper in love with you every day." He looked in her eyes hopefully "Can I kiss you?"

Y/N felt her whole body heat up and nodded "Yes, please. I thought you'd never-"

Bucky leaned forward silencing her with his lips firmly on hers, his right hand gently cupping her cheek, his left hand around her back pulling her closer to him. She tried to hold back a moan but it came out and he used the opportunity to slip his tongue into her mouth. She opened up for him and felt his moan when their tongues met, fighting for dominance until she softened up for him. He pulled her into his lap where she could feel the beginning of his arousal and wiggled against him which caused Bucky to groan deep in his chest and pull away, hands gripping her hips to hold her still.

"Y/N honey you can't do that. Don't tease, I might burst. I want you so bad, doll." He leaned his forehead against hers, trying to catch his breath.

She smiled and tried to move again then whispered in his ear "You have me, Jamie."

His hands tightened on her hips "I thought we agreed to wait until the wedding. We can't-"

She kissed him again, more passionately, running her hand through his hair then pulling, hard, exposing his neck to her. She gave him a look and nipped at his neck before pulling back.

"We did and we will. I just don't want you to forget what you are waiting for. In case your mind wanders or someone else catches your eye. Can't have you straying."

Bucky looked at her in shock before kissing her again "Are you kidding? How could I forget?" His voice lowered "I still remember how sweet your pussy tastes, how tightly she gripped my fingers. I wouldn't dare risk losing you again and for so much more than your sweet, tight-"

She pushed him away after a chill ran through her "Ok I get it."

"Doll, no one could ever compare to you and you always keep me on my toes. I'm all yours until you get sick of me."

She smirked at him "I guess you need to learn how to keep me on my toes then, Jamie."

Not long after that nite, Helen and the physical therapist gave the ok to start working on her prosthetic. This involved time in Tony's lab which would have been more interesting if he didn't insist that she touch nothing.

After a few meetings Tony almost had it ready and Y/N was getting bored sitting in his lab. "Tones! What are you doing? I didn't know this was going to take all day."

Tony rolled his eyes "Well, it's not like a new pair of shoes, you know. A prosthetic has to be fitted and attached properly, especially one like this."

He walked over to her with her new arm. It was a soft ashy grey with threads of gold like Bucky's.

"It's physically almost identical to your arm. Obviously the color doesn't match but I thought the softer color would be nice. It was tough getting the fingers as slender as yours but I think we did a decent job." He fussed with the piece on her shoulder for a minute before attaching the prosthetic.

She smiled "It's beautiful." She paused, surprised "I can feel you touching it, not just the pressure but the warmth of your hand." Her smile grew as did her eyes, which were leaking a bit "Tony, how did you do that?"

Tony smirked at her "I'm a genius, that's how." Then he mumbled "And Princess Shuri of Wakanda helped."

"I'll have to send her a thank you card, or a diamond necklace or something." She was looking her new arm over when something glinted in the light

"What's this?" She muttered as she stared, then looked up at Tony questioningly.

Tony grinned "Barnes brought it over a few weeks ago. I think the diamond goes well with the vibranium, don't you?" He looked scared when she didn't respond right away "Shit. You did want it, right? I mean you are still marrying him right?"

"I love it, Tony. All of it." Y/N hugged him until he was rasping for her to stop. She pulled away, looked down at her new arm "Yeah, so I guess I need to learn my strength. Sorry Tones"

They spent the afternoon going over the arms features, attaching and detaching, learning all the details.

Tony sighed "You still need to have physical therapy to teach your brain how to regulate your touch, it'll take time but you'll get there."

She looked at him seriously "Will three months be good?"

He nodded "As long as you keep up with the physical therapist and work on it, that should be enough time but this will be a lifelong deal since there will be updates.

Why? What's in three months?"

"We haven't sent the invites out yet but the wedding is in three months. I need to ask a favor."

Tony looked shocked "Another favor? Do you know what went into creating this arm? How much time I-"

She giggled "Of course I know but this is very important and I don't think anyone else can help me."

Tony sighed "Alright, lay it on me."

Y/N looked at him earnestly and whispered "Would you give me away?" Her voice cracking on the words.

His eyes grew wide "Me? Are you sure? I'm just-."

"Just my godfather and one of the few people I know I can trust and depend on. Please Tony?"

He hugged her "Of course, sweetheart. You know I'm here for you, always."

After her talk with Tony, Y/N went to his penthouse to find Pepper and Morgan, they had plans for lunch and dress shopping.

Since she knew it would take time for Y/N to adjust to her new arm Pepper ordered in and had one of her favorite designers bring in their latest wedding fashion.

When they couldn't find anything Y/N liked they all sat down and tossed ideas around until the designer produced an old sketch of a dress that Y/N loved. They made a few changes until it was perfect, then took her measurements and left with an appointment for a fitting in 3 weeks.

Y/N sat back on the sofa and looked at Pepper "I guess we're off." She forced a small smile "I'm really doing this."

Pepper took her hands "Hey, if you need to take more time or just cancel the whole thing-"

Y/N shook her head "No. No, I'm alright. The last year has just been a lot." She smiled a real smile and told herself and Pepper "It's gonna be good. I'll be good."

@bigphattygyal @cjand10 @lokiandbuckysdoll

Chapter 23

@kimomoraba @avery199 @mishkatelwarriorgoddess @esposadomd

@sebsgirl71479 @calwitch @hhiggs

[doctorguilty]

Guh

I've been sleeping all day but I'm still so sleepy ... I keep having weeks like this, which is how I know the chronic fatigue is bad because the summer (or summer weather, since it started early) has always been my most active time of year.. which makes me upset in and of itself, that I'm losing even the few months a year I have to be happy and productive. 3/4ths of my life, sometimes even more, is spent in a bed now. It's depressing.

The only hope I have is when I eventually move out of where I am, having more places to non-stressfully roam in a house will make me feel better, it's just hard to conceptualize when I've seldom lived in situations where I wasn't confined to a bedroom for one reason or another..

Like I have projects I want to do, but they require me leaving my room and working in a larger and/or more ventilated space, but the stress of being bothered (or just being exposed to the sheer loudness that goes on here) immediately KILLS my motivation, and by the time everyone is asleep (midnight) I have no daylight to keep my brain awake (and too dark to do anything I wanted to do outside for sure). Even making substantial food is a hassle and I often wait until midnight for that (though I often feel so tired by then I just continue eating snacks cause I don't have energy to make anything)

Maybe if I had more space to be free I'd not succumb to tiredness so quickly? Because honestly it's like... when it happens I don't fight it well because what reward is there.. I can.. be on my phone, play video games, watch tv...? Creative stuff requires more awakeness. I just sorta accept all I can do is sleep...it's miserable

I almost have the paperwork done for the fiance visa application, just need a photo from my partner and a few more documents/info filled out on my end..but it'll likely be minimum a year before that is processed. Could be even two years for the whole thing.

The thought of living like this for another 1-2 years is mind numbing, but there's nothing I can do. At all. This is it. I just have to sleep though 3/4ths of it I guess and dream of what it'd be like to have a quiet living room no one will be upset at me for using

[without-it]

ok i lied i love to update u guys. heres updates and general tips and goals for the next fast ❤️

said id wait till thursday but at my core im a little silly guy who loves to lie and tell untruths!! so heres the fasting tea abt wrapping up that last 90 hour fast and starting this one

first off, the refeeding and weight gain update from the two days of eating "normally" : weight update this morning, from my last weigh in on monday, i gained about 1/3 of a pound (i lost just over 10 pounds so really good return) so really happy with that honestly. refeeding is such a huge and often overlooked aspect to fasting, and if its handled wrong it can often negate all ur hard work.

when i refeed i focus on PLAIN low calorie foods. if you end a fast with curry to be perfectly honest ur gonna shit urself to death and have a fucking miserable time lmao. my go to is a PLAIN UNSEASONED steamed veggie dish (usually steamed broc and corn, broc bc low calorie and corn bc i am a corn GIRLIE), and often with miso soup to go with it. unseasoned foods help with the upset tummy after ending a fast, and get ur body used to actually processing glucose again. and miso soup is just a nice low calorie simple food to add some fun into that meal. pls dear god do not eat sweet foods / high salt / high seasoned in general / or heavy meat or sauced dishes as a fast breaking meal. if youve fasted for more than a 4 days im not joking you can literally end up dying from that so just be responsible shawtie damn. (look up refeeding syndrome im not a doctor so im not gonna give u the lowdown)

things to focus on during the fast to help prevent rapid weight gain: drink ur god damn liquids. i dont care if ur getting water in thru diet soda or tea or fizzy water or even coffee. that is water, that is a pro and do not listen to ppl who say that water "doesnt count". when you restrict liquids during a fast you will obvi lose more weight in the short term, but during refeeding if u start drinking normally again (as i really hope u are lmao) you will gain this water weight rapidly. u turned ur body into a desert for a few days, and best believe the second u have more liquid ur body is gonna hang on to that for dear life. its better for u and less stressful in the long run to just keep up ur liquid intake during fasts trust me.

and then this is my go to routine for every fast:

every day i take these suppliments: high strength collagen, iron, zinc, a womens multivit, and the unsung hero of fasting? FIBER TABLETS. bro i can fast for over a week and still not be constipated bc im on my SIGMA FIBER GRINDSET

and then my daily intake: at least a liter of water every day with the "Endura brand low carb sugar free electrolyte drink" (in lemon lime flavor) (i put 2 scoops aka 2 serves per liter of water) the taste is super mid but honestly drinking that every day on my last fast made things such a breeze. literally like no headaches, no cramps, minimal dizziness, and my sleep was mostly uneffected.

then i also have either a can or two of coke zero. yes i know it has 1.1 calories and diet coke would be technically more appropriate for a fast, but i hate diet coke and u will not catch my ass drinking it

and then a cup or two of green tea with a 0 calorie sweetener. no recommendations on the sugar bc honestly i swap between brands depending on whats avail at my grocery store that week lmao.

all this liquid and high variety keeps me kinda full, and provides fun taste enrichment so i dont literally go monkey insane drinking plain water for a week. cool if u can do that but ur literally a psycho and not to be trusted frankly

so current goal is at least lunch time saturday. i have plans to do lunch w my friend but honestly if im not rly hungry then and i wanna keep the fast going im just gonna cancel that lunch or even push it to dinner to just get a few more hours in!

as usual, expect weight updates every morning. the starting situation is: 87kg exactly ( 191.8 pounds) , 20% of my weight loss goal achieved. see yall tmro for the update!

[margaetyrell]

hi luvs! how are you?? i hope everything’s great 😊 i’m not fully back yet bc i’m on vacation atm, just came to save a long queue to keep my blog active bc it’s pretty much dead. so i’m gonna put all the boring details bellow in case you wonder about the future content of this blog and my general thoughts (if you’re up to read, follow the cut!) please drink water, protect yourselves from this insane weather and take care!! see you all soon 💜

okay so. i’m obviously still disappointed on taylor, but after everything i’ve realised it’s not worth it anymore. i’m still a fan and i cannot deny that. altho it’s true that i’ve distanced myself from her, she is and will always be a big part of my life! and i’d be lying if i said i’m not excited for 1989, bc i bloody am!! it’s one of my fave albums of all time and i really don’t have the strength anymore to let anything else ruin that for me (unless there’s a mh collab on it, then i’ll explode lmao) but the truth is that i’m just an art consumer as we all are, and she is pure art. so i’ll just keep doing my thing while she does hers. end!

that doesn’t mean i’ve erased everything from my brain or that it won’t upset me if she messes up again. but i’m choosing to stay away from drama, not just hers but fandom drama in general. the past year has been a roller coaster of emotions and i’m just tired of it. and the funny thing is that it doesn’t really matter! it doesn’t matter AT ALL. its only point is to make me bitter and out of patience, and i’m just another random person with random thoughts that won’t have any impact on her or anybody, whether i’m right or wrong, so!

in conclusion: i’m a swiftie who is not a swiftie who is a swiftie who is not part of the fandom who is a gaylor who is not an unhinged gaylor who is no one at all. hope this helps!

which brings us to the point: stfu sarah what are we going to see here. ofc taylor, but! i’m not gonna stress anymore over not missing a single post. i’ll just vibe with it and save whatever’s relevant to me from now on (i’ve saved a lot already) which are mostly graphics, fanart, lyrics and tagged posts (you can keep tagging me on everything btw, and thanks again to the few who still do lols love ya!!!) but the main content can be found on the celeb blog i run with my bestie (candyshapes), which not only focuses on taylor but she’s like 70% of it, and where my dear @jdschecter has made sure not to miss any details of the tour (thanks ems, i’d be lost without you <3) so i really recommend you follow us there !! the rest, as usual, will be a multifandom blog with special dedication to taylor and GoT.

that’s all ! if you’ve read everything, thank you SO much. i know it wasn’t necessary, but i wanted to clear that up nevertheless. first, bc i’m pretty true to my opinions and i’ve spent a great deal of time trying to figure this out. and second, bc i’ve lost many of you in the process and that’s understandable. but if i’m going to be back, i need to make sure i enjoy it here and curate my experience once and for all, as you all should! also thanks again to all the people that has understood my situation and showed me support in the past. love you and miss you to bits, mwah!!

[plural-affirmations]

I saw people venting and if your in the mental state for it, I really need some comfort... I'll be referring to myself as Bug

Recently, I had a doctor's appointment with my psychiatrist, let's call her T. I let Someone in sys bring up to T that I had headmates, a total of 46-ish other people who could front as they pleased. He said "I'm not Bug, I'm not the same person you talk to, there are about 46 of us."

She said, to his face (HUGE tw right here) "Your hallucinating. They aren't real because your aware of them."

We as a collective are very distraught and feel very invalidated. I live in a small Christian town and no other doctors are safe for me to visit. I have a therapist though (let's call her G) who believes me, and is trying to learn about my headmates and become acquainted with them and their negative triggers and likes, etc.

I'm super stressed out and don't know what to do and my headmate who was fronted for the whole ordeal is really upset about it...

Thank you if you read this, I just needed to get it off my chest, feel free to ignore<3 /platonic

Oh, Bug, I'm so sorry that happened to you and your system. I can see why you're distraught and discouraged.

Unfortunately, plurality is often dismissed, misdiagnosed, or in some cases, can cause outright hostility from some mental health professionals.

You and your headmate's feelings are both incredibly valid. Have you been able to reach him since this happened? Try to see if you can contact him to see how he's doing, and give him space to open up if he needs to.

As for some unsolicited comments/advice...

T has absolutely zero right to make that call without even asking you about your experiences and symptoms. That's extremely unprofessional and unethical, in my opinion. It's bad practice to not even talk to your patients on a one-to-one level of baseline respect, let alone make supposedly "informed" decisions about whatever is going on with them within a split-second of hearing about it. You have every right to be upset.

I know you said there's no other doctor for you to go to in your small town... is it a likely option for you (or someone you know) to drive to a doctor somewhere outside the town, but still close by? It may be worth looking into.

With that being said, I am very familiar with being unable to do that for various reasons, so there's 0 judgement if you have to continue seeing this psychiatrist.

If that's the case, though, it may be worth focusing on your relationship with G, since she seems to have a better connection to you all? She seems open, and if you think it's a good idea, I say go for it.

The point to all this is: I am so very sorry you're collectively going through this right now. It's an awful situation, and you did not deserve it. No one deserves to be mistreated, especially not from people who are in the mental health field. It's ok to be sad, or angry, or distrustful, or whatever else you may be feeling. There's no wrong way to process things.

As an aside, I also apologize for the late reply... even after I got back yesterday, it was quite busy IRL, and I didn't get a chance sit down to respond until now. I hope this still manages to bring you some new perspective or comfort.

Please don't forget how incredible you are, and feel free to send any follow-up messages, comments, concerns, etc., to our inbox.

We love you&, and we really sincerely wish you happiness and peace. ❤️

🖤💜💙💚💛

[thoughtfulmentalitything]

teehee ive returned... ok so now im in college and just like I thought, I am not a fan. the academics are fine but theres a decent amount of work all the time and its stressful to me cause it feels never ending. I will do my assignments weeks in advance but it seems to never give me enough time to relax. well not that I can relax at my dorm, my roommates are so annoying and loud and are all messes and project it outward. however, I did stop sh around september 2022 so its been four months since then. but also whenever something happens where another person is upset and takes it out on me or theres a somewhat valid problem I cant help but think about doing it which is normal. but I think its gonna come back soon and im fine with that. it makes me happy. its almost like a form of self care for me cause I can actually get all the bad feeling out of my system and just onto my arm instead. like its fine and I truly think that. anyways another issue though related to how bad my dorm is because of my roommates is that I finally told my parents about how terrible it is and that I dont even sleep there anymore (but I only go back home like once or twice a weekend each month when I have breaks) and I fully am just going home cause I have break or need to catch up on homework... but now they just think im not addressing the issue and not facing my dorm situation which, uh yeah obviously im not going to. when I dont come home on weekends on breaks to get away from the dorm, I just stay at someone else's house or dorm on school days and weekends. like??? I literally do not have the capacity to be there. but now im getting really triggered at home too because I told my parents about my issue... which why are they responding like that. id rather just off myself than have to live at my dorm or home. I really need to sh. I know my living situation issues are temporary but they make me feel really bad and become unproductive and fat. all I do is hide away in my room at my dorm all day when im not out for classes and gorge of fat disgusting pig food. im so fat now. I need to loose weight im always bloated and fat looking. if I was skinny I would at least be 3/4 happy inside my body and the 1/4 of unhappy in caused my external forces that make me upset inside can just be fixed my sh. tbh I need to make my sh not eating and working out too much instead of cutting cause hiding the cuts is so annoying like I dont feel like wearing long sleeves in the summer again. I need to not eat any processed foods and get on track to just have no appetite (I didn't for like a week long time period in the beginning of January). anyways im just really upset now and turning to my venting on here cause I dont want to bother anyone with my problems anymore since clearly telling my parents the most basic issue ever is not being received well. like really. just make you child happy. but nooo they dont know about how suicidal I am and any of my other issues cause I dont tell them. they just dont dress anything either. like I need a breast reduction and my mom was just like well talk about that later... well it is much later now and guess what, still haven't talked about it. id rather just die right now. I cant endure 3 more years of college at the place im going right now. I just cant live in the state I do right now and need to move. everything would be solved. but for now, all I can do is loose 20 pounds and be skinny and smart so I can exist in a physical state thats tolerable to me. I just need a break from everything else though. ok ill probably return later but at least this vent right now stopped me from racing downstairs and picking out a new xacto for a real release. ok bye bye 

[pompadourpink]

hi mum, hope you’re doing well

I wrote to you in 2021 asking for advice on making friends and speaking to locals when i was starting school in a foreign country and i wanted to say thank you. I passed all of my exams last week, I even made a friend or two.

I also started working in a supermarket about four months ago. It is really hard to find a job that i could do after school here,i live in a small town, so i was very happy. I thought it was going well but i got a letter saying i’m getting fired. Nobody talked to me, there were no major complaints about my work (as far as i’m aware) so i honestly have no idea why, the store is always looking for new people.

So, i just lost my first ever job and i am stressed. I am obviously going to apply to other stores in the area but i’m still not sure how to approach this situation. Will my next employer want to know why i got fired? what do i say? Is there something i shoud have done? I guess I am just confused and worried about money now. I still live with my mother but she already has two jobs and it might not be enough for me and my brother. I know it’ll be fine, the thought of going through the whole job searching process, interviews and generally being new is just stressing me out.

Thank you for listening!

Hello dear,

You're welcome! I'm very happy to hear that.

While getting rejected in silence is indeed upsetting and money trouble will add to that, this is just a tiny bump in the road. Your next employer will probably not take the time to investigate you if it's a job in a supermarket, so they will likely not find out. Obviously, getting fired never looks good and you also don't want to be the candidate that talks crap about their former employer because it makes you look bad.

HR interviews are there to make sure you are a good investment for the company and will pay attention to what you focus on when you answer a question: "They fired me actually, that bunch of assholes, can you imagine they didn't even tell me what I did???" makes you look like a ticking bomb, but "We weren't a good fit, so I took some time for myself to figure out what I wanted my next job to look like because I started applying again. I think I'm very good at (skill, explanation, real example) and I hope I can put it to good use here" is much more comfortable to hear. When you have a weakness, make it neutral or positive and move on to greener pastures immediately.

Those people could have pointed out the issues and helped you to fix them and they didn't. Don't let yourself be crushed by their decision when it reflects their lack of professionalism. You will be fine, we're all cheering for you!

Love,

Mum