#still like listening to his voice though
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Kind of funny how someone you started out admiring intensely can fall so hard in your eyes
#into the void#so the guy I joined X.itter for is kind of pathetic#and a bit of a jerk#and self-absorbed#and weird#probably also genuinely mentally unwell (the degree to which he kins that fictional guy concerns me now)#(I just thought he was a slightly biased fan but no)#he really cannot talk about our single common fandom objectively anymore so we could no longer connect on that front#used to think he was so cool and mature#and to his credit he does respect boundaries and is mostly rather reasonable#but idk. I feel weird about him now#still like listening to his voice though#edit: oh no now he's attempting to police other people in the fandom due to his own biases. oh dear. who could have foreseen this
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REVENGE IS NOT REDRESS. REVENGE IS A WHEEL AND IT TURNS BACKWARDS. THE DEAD ARE NOT YOUR MASTERS
#deep in the denouement of my nine millionth listen of the monstrous regiment audiobook and it's still the only book ever#maybe its cause im hearing a new voice/version but the duchess/wazzer scene was SCARY i got fr chills. ty jen from the it crowd#and pollllyyyyyyy polllyyyyy my friend polly. i forgot she decked strappi at the end#monstrous regiment#discworld#the vimes voice is growing on me though hes such a bastard in this book. more so than normal#hes like......my fave vimes moment (or one of) is the feet of clay fakeout where he pretends the plot to break his sobriety works#and hes pretending to be passed out and then gets up and breaks rusts nose and downs a packet of what looks like arsenic and goes#MMMMMM DELICIOUS. YAY. that's my fave moment and hes giving elevated That energy in this book
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s3 episode 16 thoughts
(giggling and kicking my feet) it’s mulder and scully time <3
and it was a GOOD episode!!! i was sad, but damn was i compelled! back to the very beginning of the episode to begin the note-taking journey, with a tiny recap of where we left off beneath the “keep reading” bar…
hehehehe i am excited!! i love to spend the evening with the ultimate duo. and we have so much to cover!
so many twists and turns to walk down! krycek is back! skinner is hurt! scully is sleuthing! mulder is in hong kong! we had best begin!
YAAAS we got another “previously on the x files” <- i loathed these at first for throwing me off my typical groove, but now that i know we only bust them out on special occasions (multiple part episodes) i look forward to them
ugh scully is so pretty. “you say that every time” and it’s true every time???
we get a recap: flash bang alien, inky eyes, skinner on a hunt for answers before being interrupted, scully’s dad’s friend johansen, the rat bastard
timeskip to 1953. a man from johansen’s squad who is covered in burns is telling his story, and it is being recorded. he is being visited by those who claim to want to bring him to justice, but he says he won’t tell.
so after johansen started a mutiny and locked the rest of the sailors in the sub, those trapped on the lower levels knocked the dude with the inky eyes on the head with a wrench. so he is knocked tf out. and liquid started pouring from his eyes (BLEAUGH) and into a drain. the survivor who has all the burns and who is recounting this calls the liquid “the enemy”
a guy that looks a lot like matty healy (but much cleaner) is asking him what he means by calling liquid “the enemy”. so the interviewee says that the thing went back to where it came from.
GASP!!!!!! HE ADDRESSES THE MATTY HEALY LOOKING FELLOW AS “MR. MULDER”!!!!!! oh this is JUICY!!! and the camera pans over to another man putting in a cigarette!! GASP!!! WE KNOW WHO THAT IS!!!!
baby cig man says “you can trust all of us” (<- LIES, LYING, SAID BY A GUY WHO IS LYING)
(you can tell the actor playing baby cig man had just one line but he worked SO hard to get cig man's voice right... it made me giggle)
why does young mr mulder look kinda cute. aww. so little. almost wanna squish his cheeks.
they changed the intro again. smh! messing with my rhythm.
anyway, back to main plot. scully’s rolling up to the hospital to find skinner, where she is met by agent fuller and agent caleca, two names i do not think i have heard before. scully asks for hair and fiber from the crime scene and these two are like “we don’t have that yet” so she says “um get it?” (not really but basically) (and they claim it was some random guy that shot him… not buying it)
oh! skinner is being wheeled out! she’s off to go investigate. now if it were ME being rolled about with my shirt off after a gunshot wound and emergency surgery, i would not want people seeing that. but hey, she’s a doctor so maybe she’s chill like that. still! i’d be soooo embarrassed omg
SHE GRABS HIS HAND OMG!!!!! he opens his eyes a tiny tiny bit and tells her that he has seen the man who shot him before!!!
man, i thought just the hand grabbing was gonna be all tender, and it was! but getting a clue at who did it was a bonus too
back to the rat bastard and mulder. at least krycek seems aware that mulder can and will kick his ass and is deferential to him.
scully is looking over skinner’s chart. OH! she asked for guards. and she wants them NOW. she does not CARE about your excuses. WOO!!! she says idgaf if you two agents stand out there YOURSELVES, get GUARDS ON him!!! YAAAAS!
back to krycek and mulder cam. mulder notices that they are being followed and tells him to speed up. at gunpoint! and this mystery vehicle runs them off the road!!!!!!
noooo, their faces are all smushed in. someone pulls rat bastard out and asks where the tape is, but the fellow who attacked him gets flash banged, because again, krycek has alien flash banging powers.
but poor mulder still has his bloody heady on the dash :( he sees some odd flashing
scully gets called into the lab and this guy has some info on the dude that shot skinner. she says it will take too much time to run the hair sequence, but to do it anyway.
(also, i can’t tell if this is the same guy from the lab as before that clearly had a crush on her or if this is a different one but idk i guess it doesn’t really matter... he doesn’t seem like her type)
so the two men that krycek flash banged last night are now in treatment for radiation, and who is visiting them but cancer man!!! he is once again lighting up as they are dying. he bends down and moves a bandage, and sees the eyes of a patient meet his. but he says to HAVE THE BODIES DESTROYED OMFG HE DOES NOT GIVE A FUUUUCK THIS GUY IS EVIL!!!!
mulder at da hospital. bandage on his head. awwwwww :( it’s so sad and pathetic... he’s baby.
AND SCULLY IS THERE!!!! WITH A SMILE!!!!!! WOOHOO I WISH I COULD LIVE IN THIS MOMENT FOREVER!!! YES YES THOSE ARE MY FAVORITE CHARACTERS!!
the police found him and he mentioned “we” so she says “who’s we” and he has to say KRYCEK… she is (very gently) confused
an excellent person to have by your bedside whilst recovering.
she tells him that she is sorry for the bad news, but skinner has been shot as well. but the doctors seem to think he’ll be okay. and she has an idea on who it is that pulled the trigger!
GASP!!! she pulls out the scans on the hair. two of them, in fact. the first being from the man who shot skinner, and the second being from the man who shot melissa. and they’re a PERFECT MATCH!!!! CONSPIRACY!!! CONSPIRACY, I CRY!!!
(shrill violins, fade to black)
oh! it’s the united nations alien council. um i realize now i don’t know their actual name. but you know who i’m referring to, right? the guys. the gang. the squad. just a couple of dudes.
they’re discussing the site “WHERE THEY RECOVERED THE UFO” well! there you have it! word of god confirmation! it’s indeed a ufo that the french sailors came across in the last episode!
“it seems we have an information leak, gentlemen”, one of them announces, which makes me say, okaaaay ominous <3
and they say cig man has responded in a way no one could have predicted… omg was he behind the skinner thing…?
scully visiting skinner <3 asking how he is feeling <3 he doesn’t seem surprised about the news his shooter was the same as melissa’s, especially because those three men had warned him before about pursuing her case. he says she should be careful about saying that the case was shut down because people don’t want it to be caught but. it’s looking them right in the face.
OH! the man that shot him was one of the ones who attacked him a few months back on the stairwell! well i didn’t even catch this. some detail noticer i am. AND KRYCEK was the other one!!!! yes, and they stole the tape yes yes i’m recalling!
ohhh it’s serious. he tells her that she cannot afford anger, that if she’s angry she’ll make a mistake. “i’ll be okay”, she says (voice breaking) (<- said by a woman who is lying)
he says that if she can’t keep her head, it’s okay to step away… this feels very chekov’s gun… but she says that’s exactly what they want. OH! i love that she knows she can get to the bottom of this. i love that she believes in herself.
scully is furiously typing on her laptop. asking to devote full bureau resources to finding krycek. got her glasses on n everything. terribly beautiful whilst angry. she is saying he can explain everything that is going on, but i don’t think anyone is gonna listen to herrrr because the fbi does not give a fuck!!!
scully is now entering their office to see the giant yellow scuba suit. “it looked great on me in the store” says mulder, who needs to make a joke or people will die. perhaps he needs to make a joke even more when people really ARE dying.
so, why is it here? great question. it was covered in oil, the french guy was covered in oil, his wife was covered in oil, and it’s all diesel oil from world war two submarines. a new meaning to the term “oiled up”.
theory time with mulder: it’s a medium for an alien creature for body-jumping. he laughs when she laughs, aware of how ridiculous it sounds, but also aware of her thinly veiled fury; what else could he do? he does know how it sounds, he does know what she needs, but the truth. the truth.
so what does this thing living in the oil want with krycek? a great question.
omg guy from the lone gunmen is ice skating! and so is another one. wow a team bonding mission <3 AND THE OTHER ONE!!! FROHIKE!!!
is this something they do often... no, this must be a sleuthing mission.
frohike goes in a locker and opens something. GIVES IT TO MULDER!!! YAAAS THE TAPE!!! they say he should “call upon their services more often” YAAAS they want that sweet sweet agent time <3
but noooo! the tape is gone!!!! mulder gets mad and throws the empty case. still, a reunion with his pals <3
cig man is watching tv. sipping some sort of liquor.
(whenever i see someone drinking a beverage with ice in it on a tv show, i think of that one tiktok of a prop master explaining how they make prop ice and the many different kinds they can do. i think this looks like glass ice to me. shoutout to people who make videos about props; you make my heart very happy)
BRO... THE TAPE JUST APPEARS. KRYCEK HAS ENTERED????? but the guy who shot skinner is there too!!! and is holding krycek at gunpoint!!!!
cig man watches krycek's eyes go all inky (correction: OILY) and black. omg……
cancer man is rolling up 15 minutes late for the UN alien meeting. lmao it's funny in a way. he moved the ufo to a new location! he promises it will be absolutely inaccessible.
someone asks why he won’t bring it to nevada like the others. probs because even the normies know about nevada as the alien place. dweeb.
GASP! they want answers for what happened to skinner. cig man says for all he knows, it's just random. even though they have a drawing of the guy who did it, who is “one of his”, he’s denying it. AND THEY’RE ALL GROANING BECAUSE NO ONE BELIEVES HIM FOR A SECOND LMAOOOOOOO
(so funny to me that despite being on the super secret alien council, cig man still manages to be unprofessional and lie through his teeth to people who seem far more competent, even when secrecy effects the entire planet. something very funny about him lowkey sucking at his job)
so he needs to get the shooter out of the country NOW or else skinner can make an ID and no one can stop the arrest!
back to the agents trying to piece things together. the lone gunmen are babbling on about how to best find what was written on the case but mulder has the secret: rubbing a lil pencil over top LMAOOO. he finds a phone number!!
and who picks it up when he calls but… the un alien club!!!
it’s the well groomed man!!! mulder says krycek gave him the number. and he asks to meet with mulder. allegedly in central park? is this a trap...
so, the dude who did the shooting is named luis. the other agents are saying to scully they can’t look any further than they already have, but she says keep looking, she’s seen stranger. and the lab guy says “i believe she has” when she leaves lmaoooo GET UP. he's down bad fr. pathetic. get up.
i mean i am too but i'd like to think i'd have more dignity about it
mulder in da park. is he alone… are they gonna get him??? the well-groomed man meets him. they’re playing some mental chess with who can ask each other what. so he tells mulder there WAS a ufo at the bottom of the ocean that was shot down during ww2, and a salvage attempt had been made, but there were complications.
so it looks like they’re both looking for krycek. but the well groomed man leaves by saying “anyone can be gotten to”. very very ominous. and mulder calls scully and says check on skinner RIGHT NOW.
she gets down there and he’s NOT THERE??? apparently he was moved to a different hospital. WHO TOOK HIM?????
scully slaps her badge on the door of a ambulance on the side of the road and asks if he’s got a skinner in there. this dude says yeah and he must be freaked tf out, but she’s coming along for the ride now.
skinner wants to know what she’s doing here, and she says she just wanted him to be safe. she pulls her gun out and opens the door and WHO IS IT BUT LUIS!!! WHO FIRES AT SKINNER!
TRAFFIC GUNFIGHT CHASE!!! luis just got hit by a CAR!!! she got him!!!
and she’s SCREAMING at him. screaming like we have never heard before, are you the man that killed my sister??? he’s begging for his life. he says he can tell her where krycek is…
the police roll up, telling her to put the gun down. and she sadly holds up her badge and explains that she’s basically the police but actually better so y’all are kinda late to the situation. they take him into custody. and she’s tearing up. i do not trust that he doesn’t have a poison tooth in there.
she calls mulder, who is rummaging through his car, and tells him that he was right, someone was going to kill skinner. and it IS the man who shot her sister. and allegedly krycek is going to north dakota. mulder says please meet me in new york with two tickets to north dakota asap.
what’s in north dakota, she asks? the salvaged ufo!!!
cut to north dakota cam. agents are rolling up, and how terribly i wish i could see what happened on the flight and ride up to there. how tense the silence was, how valiant the attempts at breaking it were. UGH. someone pls write the fic someday i’m already emotional.
she’s got a vest thing on and it’s cute. i get that we have bigger things at hand but i can still appreciate a vest moment!!
they go into a silo... but the door locks behind them!!! they go 8 stories down!! that is a lot!!!!
now they’re opening a door to what looks like a nuclear waste thing. idk i don't know much about nukes. but it’s just a big empty silo. so they have to check 199 more.
except they hear a thunk in the tunnels!!!
scully finds one of the (barely alive?) burn victims that had been flash banged by krycek just as mulder announces “he’s here”, and a large group of soldiers runs in
OH! they go to start running from the soldiers and he grabs her. it was so subtle but so sweet. i’m gonna gnaw at something.
NOOO! they’re surrounded!!! and cancer man is coming up. she yells that they saw bodies in there and he says “you saw nothing” <- wow absolutely garbage fellow has sunken further than even before by adding gaslighting to his resume
so they’re getting taken into custody but cancer man is going deeper, and he tells the soldiers to take the bodies away. he goes down to the nuclear thingy, and lights up, which i feel would be a bad choice in a circumstance where things were actually nuclear, but okay.
we see something very dark and oily? and hear people throwing up. OH! it’s krycek, with the black stuff pouring from his eyes and mouth. on top of a triangular looking ufo. the oil is pouring into a spiral thingy? and it gets sucked up.
MULDER AT HIS DESK WITH HIS GLASSES ON!!!! AND A HEALING CUT ON HIS FOREHEAD!!! could a man be any more attractive? it’s debatable.
knock knock. who is it? it’s skinner!!!! limping, and not supposed to be back in the office for a few more weeks!
mulder gets up to shake his hand and help him across the room. a right gentleman, he can be. OHHH so this is why i have seen those bloopers of skinner with a cane LMAOOOO
he’s looking for scully though lmao. yeah not interested in YOU, mulder.
mulder thanks him for getting shot because he stood up to the evil. he’s saying no, no, i wasn’t doing that, at all. i don’t know what you’re talking about. but not in a humble brag way, in a denying allegations sort of way. it's interesting. my brain is still stuck on this moment.
he says that he “mistakenly” believed he could bring melissa’s murder to justice. mulder says hey, what do you mean by that? so that is why skinner needs to go see her.
she's out and about, though. she’s bringing flowers to melissa’s grave NOOOOO :((((((( she doesn’t even say anything, she just sits there.
UNTIL MULDER COMES AND BRINGS FLOWERS TOO??? and she has to brace herself to see him.
he touches her shoulder gently before he sets them down. oh my GOSH
she tells him about how someone told her the dead speak to you from beyond the grave, and that is what a conscience is. he says that’s interesting, that he’s never thought of it that way. a man who sees her suffering and doesn't know what to say to make it better.
and she thought that finding the man who killed her would bring closure but it didn’t.
he grabs her by the arm at this point, and says he needs to talk to her. tells her that they found luis dead. whoever was behind it all tried to cover it up.
“i think the dead are speaking to us, mulder. demanding justice” <-stop. stop i’ll cry. you think i won’t cry? you think, for some reason, i won’t sob? i won’t collapse into a heap? you’d be incorrect. you’d be naive and mistaken. you’d be an utter fool, even in a world of fools.
(muffled screaming of me trying to keep it together)
but funny i should type that, because we also hear some muffled screaming on camera, that of krycek trapped in the ufo?? or in the room with it, deep in the nuclear silo?
episode ends with his screams.
WHAT!!!
so much has happened. and really one thing is on my mind: who is gonna hug scully? who is gonna tell her that the anger is okay, even if it’s futile? who is gonna hold the baddest woman alive close and listen? even if all she has to say is silence?
RAAAAAAAAH i’m gonna CRY.
i feel like i could write another thinkpiece here but i also feel like i need to let this one sit for a bit.
scully holding skinner’s hand, scully waiting by mulder’s bedside, scully saving skinner’s life, scully screaming, so guttural, at the man that killed her sister. scully in glasses and scully in vests and scully in coats. furious and devastating and calculating and guilty.
i have some major questions re: krycek and cancer man and why don’t they just deal with him already??? like for real. i know the answer is gonna be that someone from higher up would just replace him, but i do think it is funny how he goes about blatantly committing all those crimes and then clocks into work the next day like nothing happened. and no one can act like anything happened because they’ll tear the fbi down if they do. we all have a coworker like that, don’t we? that sucks terribly but you can’t do anything about it because the inside supports how terrible they suck? sigh. many such cases.
krycek, if i’m supposed to feel bad for you, i don’t. starve in that ufo and see if i give a damn.
skinner denying any concept of heroism… i think he’s doing it to keep himself safe. like he said to scully, any sort of accusations are risky. i don’t think he wants anyone to get the idea that he is a hero, even if he is in reality. i also think he has a complex and a great fear of being PERCEIVED as a hero after the things he did during war, and who knows what else he did but hasn't spoken about. but interesting still that he would deny a gesture as simple as being thanked.
there are many dots in my head. i would like to think they are connecting, but honestly i’ve got matty healy dupe mr. mulder on my mind still just because it was so funny. and then also scully angst. and a deep deep desire to get into that car on the drive from the airport to north dakota, to just listen in on whatever went down. maybe i’ll have to write it if no one else does! isn’t that terrible? when no one else will write the exact thing you want to read, so you have to do it?
(i’ve actually never written fic before so that would be a major commitment. but a one shot here or there sounds interesting)
anyway. lots on my mind. it was a good episode, but kept a lot of things unsolved. which is the point, i know, but they dangle the answers in front of you!! then snatch them away!! i wanted a tiny bit more of the tea.
but i guess, on the other hand, we know what the tea is, don’t we? we know cancer man and the UN alien squad are hiding this, they’re aware that this alien creature can cause radiation, they’re aware of ufos and they’re covering them up. they might not be aware of the exact nature of the creature, but they ARE aware of it, and that it’s a weapon of mass destruction. what isn’t clear is how tf krycek got roped into this. but again i really dgaf about his loser ass.
i’m plotting. i’m pinning things on boards and tying them together with string. and then making predictions from there.
(actually, think it’s cool we see a bunch of different kinds of aliens on this show. there were the poison blood clones, standard alien 👽 fellow, and now the oil creature. fun that we get multiple perspectives and takes on what could be. perhaps scarier than just plain old little 👽, but!!! interesting for worldbuilding purposes)
back to plotting….
#it's interesting reading back (since i wrote these notes yesterday) but what stuck out to me the most were the quiet moments#the silence of their drive to the missile silo. mulder saying nothing as he dropped the flowers on the grave.#scully grasping skinner's hand and listening to his whispers. scully gently asking mulder what happened when he awoke in the hospital#there were lots of huge emotional moments like her screaming at luis and krycek dealing with the monsters he brought upon himself#but sometimes tragedy and profound themes are best told in the silence#how quiet her voice was when she said she though the dead were listening.#and the steely understated rage of telling the others that skinner needed to be guarded and begging the fbi for help#hmm. my brain is still turning these moments around in circles in my head#it was a really good episode! and i have a lot of thoughts! so many they get a bit ramble-y!#which usually means i was very invested!#let me know what you thought off each twist and turn and which moments made you the most emo! i want to know!#juni's x files liveblog#3x16#the x files#txf
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y'know, i keep making a habit of swinging my bat at hornets nests, but i have to say i'm getting so, so tired of people complaining about shows not making perfect sense when they aren't even close to done. we're four episodes into this season of doctor who. we're four episodes into this season of bridgerton. and yet in both fandoms i keep seeing people whine that such and such didn't make sense or it wasn't explained all the way and by god you guys i think maybe explanations might come later in the season. this is something most viewers will recognize as being called a 'plot.'
#like maybe a tiny bit of media literacy... might save you#and if you think i'm being mean like. its okay if you don't get it at first. it's okay if you don't understand the themes. but maybe#instead of stamping your feet and saying this makes no sense and i hate what they're doing and and and#maybe you could try listening to other people's interpretations of things and you'll find that what the show is trying to tell you becomes#more clear! would you look at that. wild how that happens#like im sorry you're entitled to your opinions but calling things bad writing just because you don't quite get it or it doesn't resonate#with you personally... i don't think you should just say this was shitty and worthless#the examples im using are because both resonate with me btw. 73 yards was existential horror it was hill house and bly manor#(im going to write about this in another post btw bc it compels me so)#it was about the way fear of abandonment can haunt you how mental illness can haunt you how you feel like you can drive people away#just by being yourself (the Woman was Herself what caused ruby to be abandoned was Her it's about her feeling as though she was the cause#of everyone who left her even as a baby even the people who loved her most could decide to not love her at the drop of a hat)#colin bridgerton is masking and faking a personality because it has been proven that time and time again#being Himself is Wrong that he annoys people he makes himself into what people expect of him because he's tired of being abandoned too#his family ignores and does not reply to his letters this season PEN stopped replying to his letters#his brother was cruel to him for being a romantic his friends LAUGHED AT HIM for saying sex is meaningful to him and don't they feel lonely#his Fake Rake persona makes viewers cringe because! its!! fake!!! he's faking it! HE GETS CALLED OUT ON IT TWICE IN EP ONE#if you don't understand he's faking it then that's on you at that point! i don't know! maybe take a minute to sit in the discomfort and ask#why did this show make me react this way and do you think maybe it was on purpose#''73 yards was confusing'' do you think confusion may be one of the ways ruby feels about her abandonment?#there is a theme in all of her episodes so far is it ''badly written'' unclear to you or do you just refuse to think critically about it#txtly#and im sorry for tagging this its just for my blog i kinda wish they still didnt show up in tags if i tag them all the way at the bottom#[old lady ruby voice] ''i used to be able to tag things just for myself once upon a time''#bridgerton#bridgerton spoilers#doctor who#doctor who spoilers
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love when fics have mammon calling u “darlin’”. like if a butch called me that i would actually fall in love right then and there forever and ever and ever
mammon calling u that???? lord the things i’m about to do…. look away please.
#do y’all hear it the way i do tooooooo. like#they got canon voices but my brain always has its own voice for the characters#like in my head lucifer’s voice isn’t as deep but it’s still clear and suave kinda. or smooth#mammons is like…..#i’m not good at describing voices. it’s not a raspy voice but he has a very tiny lil rasp at the end#and his voice is v expressive and raises in pitch a lot#OI!!! look over here!!! <- OI!!! look o’vr ‘ere!!!#levi’s voice in my head is almost the same as canon tho!!#it’s that WHOAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH that gets me LOL like yeah that’s him#i’m mad i can never share how i picture characters voices exactly bc there’s never a VA that sounds the exact way i hear them as#Mams VA still has influence on how i hear him though for sure#like same tone n stuff. tbh i need to give it a listen again bc now that i’m thinking abt it the more i do hear him with that voice#that HEY HEY HEY!!! perfect. mwah.#anyway. darlin’. lord have mercy#lordddddd i’m abt to do it again. thirteen calling u darlin’…………….. christ
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shan't be reblogging a certain post bc it makes me too sad but i will share my thoughts in the tags here. tw for medical events (strokes) and mentions of death
#it was like. hey sexy when will you finish grieving or something like that#and i wanted to make some pathetic joke about grief lmao like oh yeah i'l stop grieving when the guilt subsides =)#but then i remembered the ep of sad boyz where jarvis talked about being the first one to find his mom after her stroke and he wasn't home#he was eleven and he's in his early thirties now and still harbors guilt for not being there sooner#and i know he shouldn't feel guilty for that. jordan said it too on the podcast#so i'm like. weh. if he shouldn't feel guilty then maybe i shouldn't either..? =(#there's an evil voice inside me though that says well you were home and you were an adult so it's really not the same and you should still#feel guilty. but i know the voice is wrong it's just hard to internalize#idk where i'm going with this. next week will be two years since my dad's stroke so it's on my mind i guess#i want to request a day off so i'm not stressed w work but i'm like. idk which day to pick lmao bc he passed away in stages so i have like#three things on my calendar. i'll probably request his actual death day off next month. i remember struggling to focus on work last year.#anyways! ty for listening. mwah#trixie talks
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Dont be angry, Finnula said. Be smart.
#Chapter 23#Kingdom of Ash#Sarah J. Maas#Elide Lochan#Finnula#no spoilers pls first read along w me chapter spoilers in post & tags below w more annotations/quotes/notes/reacts/perspective 3 of 4#The City of Rivers… can Aelin get a City of Fire? cuz that would be cool & Elide already said “fear was another companion it can’t be worse#IT WAS LORCANS SHIRT😭 & he cared so much he lied so she’d use it from Gavriel/Rowan😭 OH ELORCAN😭😭😭#Yet this place seemed like a paradise. WHATS REAL? is it a Maeve illusion… but it sounds lovely; like Rowan could just fly around😭#Pink and blue flowers draped from windowsills; little canals wended between some of the streets ferrying people in bright long boats.#And though a good dose of fear would aid in her cover too much would spell her doom. -smart clever spy gal Annabeth Chase would be proud#And this city Rowan had told Elide had been built from stone to keep Brannon or any of his descendants from razing it to the ground.#when u know ur evil cuz you had to build in a backup plan for the day Brannons peeps eventually come to shut that shit down… my poor Aelin#Elide fought the limp that grew with each step farther into the city--farther away from Gavriel's magic… or Lorcan’s👀😭🖤🤨#okay Elide I see your mirror mirror Aos moves with the berry listen and compact trick she can do it with a broken heart#cycle. She hadn't been able to find the words anyway. Not with what it would crumple in her chest to even think them. WELL NOW IM CRUMPLED#As if she'd been weeping for weeks… yeah that fits the KoA vibes#But it wasn't the reflection she wanted to see. But rather the square behind her. — BRILLIANT QUEEN — lol thx Lorcan for having a mirror#if only anything could be a witch mirror then they could all cell chat and communicate cause the travel time in this one is rough#she was merely staring into a compact mirror no more than a self-conscious girl trying to fix her frazzled appearance — she is the best spy#A girl trying to muster some dignity. Let them see what they wanted to see-A girl far out of her element in this lovely well-dressed city#cornflower blue ALWAYS THESE SHADES#her golden-brown skin shone with an inner light. Her eyes were soft with kindness. And concern.#had always made them foolishly off guard and eager to get away. To tell her what she needed to know. — funny 2 watch Elide do this after HoF#The sort of voice Elide had always imagined great beauties possessing the sort of voice that made men fall all over themselves.#Cairn. One of the males swore; the other scanned Elide from head to toe. But the two females had gone still. — agreed he’s the worst#the portrait of hope—yeah child’s right cause no—Elide always naming people—If you escaped Cairn don't go looking for him again.—true#Cairn is blood-sworn to our queen. Still makes him a prick TRUTH — doesn’t need to be a far to catch the lie — WHERE IS SHE DAMNIT#She was about to do it again wheen… The dark-haired beauty from the tavern was standing behind her. — SHIT#Maeve was not in Doranelle. How long would that remain true? Had to make the next performance count. — how many had she done this already?🥹😭
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Hi! I have a question -
When you talk about Twelfth Night being ruined for you or not being able to read it or listen to it, do you mean in a literal sense that you don't enjoy it anymore, or in the way that people mean when a story is tragic or emotionally painful but still enjoyable?
technically it's the latter but there are tiny aspects of the former in there kind of. like i love the play, and also i am much more overall emotionally attached to it than i was previously, it's just that i don't feel nearly the same way abt it as i used to (positive: olivia went from "i like her the most in this play" to "i think she is one of shakespeare's best female characters". i am a lot more invested in viola and orsino's relationship. Terminal Incurable Malvolio Brain Rot. negative: the ending is kind of a massive downer for me now. moments i found amusing are no longer remotely funny. i don't think feste deserves rights. etc)
#basically it's like 'my whole perception of this story and its characters was drastically changed by an mp3 file'#i am comfortable in saying that said mp3 file is one of the best shakespeare adaptations ive consumed though. i'm still dying on that hill#twelfth night#ws#likw i do think shakespeare wrote 4.2 to be kind of funny and not soul wrenching and fucked up#i can't go back though! amd i am forever insane#dwghlkjwg and like when u listen to david's malvolio and he's like. his voice is breaking and#hes on the verge of tears asking olivia why she did that to him and he reads out the 'cross gartered yellow stockings' line#and you remember 'oh yeah jesus christ lmao this was originally supposed to be funny'
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#seriously seriously one of the most beautiful pieces of music i have ever heard#i feel so conflicted thinking about this but i was always afraid to get more into shinee because of jonghyun#i remember the exact day he died when i was in high school and i remember feeling slammed with the news even though he was just guy from...#...clue + note to me and as i have gotten more into kpop in the past few years i have been there for all of shinee's comebacks from don't...#...call me on and i always kept them at a distance bc even though i thought they seemed so cool i was worried to get into them and always...#...feel like someone was missing. and now that my little sister has gotten so into them i have too#and it does feel like someone is missing all of the time and we watch so much content of jonghyun together that sometimes it hits me all...#...over again how unreal and bad it is that he isn't in the world with us anymore#i am so sad too thinking about how i almost didn't hear some of the most beautiful music out of the fear of grieving him#one of the most beautiful voices and i click with his words so so much#like he's my friend and i almost never got to know him :( and that thought it so much worse than the worry of having to miss him :(#it also makes me sick bc if it would have changed anything for him at all. he's still making so many people happy. he's still there for me.#i don't get this emotional every time i listen to him but sometimes it all hits me#music#Spotify
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i have only been listening to russ's last 3 albums for like a week or two now and i can't stop
#me#that's#the seer and book of love and it's good to be here#is it because i'm excited about his new albums coming out next year and it's making me lean towards his more recent ones?#(even though one was in the 90's but still)#or is it because of other reasons#i don't know#i mean i already love book of love anyway#and i think the seer is my second favorite out of his albums#but also i love it's good to be here and like his voice and everything and#on that one i like some of the songs on it more than some of the other ones on it but it's#one of those albums that i already liked but the more i listen to it the more it grows on me#i really can't stop listening to some of them#and that's just all i've been wanting to listen to lately#those 3 albums#or sometimes just a selection of songs from those 3 albums#and since i've been sleeping with it on at night i haven't had any more of the weird almost nightmare dreams yet#it's like some of his songs are true that he's watching over me while i sleep#to keep the bad away#well he does that while i'm awake too
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“they say i’m up and coming like i’m fucking in an elevator” being an ed sheeran lyric is actually wild
#you need me i don’t need you is just so fun#tried listening to his more recent stuff and it’s just#i just don’t like it#he has a great voice and sm talent#but it just sounds like stock music to me#and i love pop music#i think it’s just like. his older stuff was so much more unique#it still feels fresh to me even though + is like over a decade old now i think?
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god when i go into yearning after a failed romantic endeavour im scraping the walls howling at the moon coughing up hairballs like i'm grateful for the experience but the Aftermath of horrific feelings for months and months makes me wanna throw up. i can logically be like it never would've been forever for reason a b and c but still i see their face and wanna delete every social media ever and live in a monastery until i'm normal about them again
#GODDDDD#GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i just do not know how to deal with it cuz i don't wanna go thru the feelings for the millionth time and possibly cry for the tenth time#but also what else is my option. just listen to music and ignore it and hope the feelings go away with time?#GAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#GAHHHHHHH GAHHHHH GAHHHHRRGRHRHHH!!!!!!!#he never posts face pics his face is always obscured but now. i suffer.#anyways do i feel this way to this intensy because of insecurity and wishing to b a different person w a different life#even though i put up a wall with him and i didn't know him deeply he was always so kind and fun and gentle and mature#and on top of that so cute. like pick A struggle. why is there none#I MISS HIM i didn't just lose a romantic interest he was also my only friend besides my roommates in korea lol#i almost wish we never did anything romantic because at least then there's a chance we would still be casual friends and we would still#message occasionally#i wanna hear his voice i wanna know what he's up to and what he's thinking about#blegh#i liked him so much#self#ㅁㅅ
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i miss akechi goro so much. maybe even enough to finally finish that ladue chapter 3
#speculation nation#ladue shit#listen hes such an asshole and i NEEEEEEED to channel his voice for a bit again#if this urge persists to tomorrow i'll crack open the fic again. for a little reread.#this will satisfy only approximately 53 people (the total subscribers to that fic)#which ok that's actually a good few people when i think about them as actual people#but it's the least amount of subscriptions i have out of most of my multichapters#EVEN STILL. it's a matter of pride and self-satisfaction.#and god fucking damn i have 18k for chapter 3 already written. i literally just need to close the damn scene up#it's been over a YEAR NOWWWWWWWWWW like holy fucking shit. i need this OUT ALREADYYYYYYYYYYY#ladue chapter 3 i will free you into the abyss. i cannot promise more than chapter 3 but i can promise a chapter 3 at least.#i had a whole plan for the fic but idk if i'll ever be able to write it#considering it's taken like. ... years. between chapters.#it took me 2 years to post chapter 2 and it's been a year now since then. ugh.#see the thing is chapter 3 closes the initial arc of them starting to date. and then there's more stuff.#maybe i'll keep it open just in case the urge strikes me to continue it eventually.#and if it never does. i might make a 4th chapter that outlines the eventual plans i had for the fic. so that people know at least.#ive seen that a Few times for discontinued fics.#....but the thing is i dont want to mark any of my fics discontinued!!!! theyre all my darlings!!! i want to go back to them all eventually#i'll just have to see. if a chapter 4 ends up taking several more years. well. maybe it'll be time to call it there. who fucking knows lol#i'll try to get chapter 3 finished sometime soon though. i really want to have it out already.
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so fucked up how if i could only listen to one person sing for the rest of my life i would choose jungkook without a second of doubt and yet they still somehow made his album so bad i cant listen to it. like you'd almost have to put a gun to my head for me to listen to that whole thing again actually
#i cant even listen to it as a like okay lets turn off my brain and enjoy his voice and singing#like no its so bad that i cant even do that#i hope when he returns he will be totally changed and like emo rebel era#or something#and not a hybe america corporate puppet#who makes shitty disgusting objectifying misogynist music#i already know our music taste doesnt perfectly align and im fine with that but i still want different for him#even if it wont be my favorite type of music#but it could be#if he does ballad heavy and pop that i like#etc#rnb maybe#i want him to do indie rock though#and bubblegum pop#and more
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sometimes i just gotta chant i'm not a hater i'm not a hater i'm not a hater i'm not a hater i'm not a hater
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fun fact. i realized leo is a little bit inspired by michael distortion. do with that information what you wish
#or however the saying goes#bc listen. listen- they worked in similar jobs.#they both had someone they adored who kept them in the dark about what was truly going on.#said person ended up altering/killing them in a way.#the vague dissociation going on with both of them the strange bitterness they have towards the person they adored.#theyre probably both vague about things maybe#even the way i imagine leo’s voice was largely influenced by michael’s#(although i now imagine it to be a bit deeper and with an american accent)#i think that’s where the similarities end though#since michael seems to view humans as a form of entertainment#and leo is probably still kinda clinging to the fact he’s a person albeit in a sort of detached way.#like the Vibe i want to achieve is a mix of both Shelley and Distortion do u understand me#idk man im solely going off Vibes and that might be a bad thing i need to Actually work on his personality#like GOD#leo vibes#eric finally speaks#tma spoilers
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