#still fucking sucked in the 2nd one though like goddamn i do not care about matthews

[viovio]

hi as my saw mutual i have a question :) if u have seen all of them, whats ur ranking from worst to best? or out of the ones youve seen if u havent seen all of them :)

ACK OMG IM SORRY I GOT TO THIS LATE BUT TEEHEE ALRIGHT!! (i haven't seen jigsaw and spiral yet but i know what happens in it!!)

SPOILERS DOWN BELOW!!!!!

7. Saw 3D.... it has some of the most brutal traps but it's not getting any points for the horrible misogyny really :/ it's the only movie where i actively skipped parts (which were the frustrating scenes of having the main guy fuck up and save some of his team AND BLAME THEM. AND GOD THE LAST PART JUST UGH) i won't lie though lawrence is so fun in this one like he would not do that! i believe it though go cary elwes give me everything (and hoffinator)

6. Saw 5, i don't understand the hate for this one I actually really liked the fatal 5!! and the opening with strahm was just so cool but the cuts back to him investigating hoffman were just... eh! didn't care. the ending though was pretty sick. i love how the movies treat it like a series because they always start from where they left off in classic camera flashing fashion.

5.. Saw 6 (LOL), the plot really intrigued me with watching william's pain alongside him only for it to be all crushed because nothing could change the fact that you run a health insurance company with treating people's lives like a game! and like, what tara said did get me thinking because yea no matter the torture are you really sure he's changed? hes probably profited enough from his company that he could reasonably stop but i feel like the employee deaths would bank in more family insurance somehow lmfao.

4. Saw 4, OK NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE rigg was the only main guy i was invested in out of all of them, sucks that he's a cop but damn the journey and game and atmosphere in this one was just excellent!! the opening confused me a bit for sure but it made sense later. this is where we begin hoffman's saga (guy himself is mid but hes funny) after amanda (HEARTTTT FOREVER) and john's death! and even though I don't like the guy himself the mindfuck of this movie and the rigging (heh. get it) was pretty solid)

3. Saw 3, man. ok. Amanda's true spotlight. It's frustrating to watch jeff's segment itself at times but his story's pretty tragic. Don't get me started on Lynn the fucking tension is insane but coming from a guy who hasn't watched medical dramas before this comes pretty close. After saw 2 you finally see Amanda's hope die alone with the lies John fed her it's great. Imo this movie was a great way to wrap up their tragedy!

2. Saw, they've been in that bathroom for 18 slutty slutty years and you feel that budget so hard. It's so claustrophobic but you can see why it's a classic, and rewatching it is just so GAH LIKE YOU KNOWWWWW BUT YOU STILL WANT TO SAVE HIM LIKE OPENING A FRIDGE AND EXPECTINF SOMETHING DIFFERENT. s great but some people says it drags on for a bit, i personally don't mind! The pacing gets real confusing at times though and repetitious

1. SAW 2 BABYYYYYYYYYYYGGGGY🎉🎉🎉🎉 OK AMANDAS FIRST SPOTLIGHT AND THE INTRODUCTION ON GROUP GAMES IN THE SERIES HOOORAYYYYYYYYYY oh my god mandy.its getting so fucking late and what i say here's been said before but *opens brain and it's just buzzing static

[bathroomgirl0024]

Makan gets sick (of Monokuma's bullshit) Part 1

Note: this is mostly 2nd/3rd person(since makan isnt in control of her personality), Its basically Makan getting the despair disease and monokuma being forced to take care of her.

Warnings: Sdr2 spoilers, slight cursing, this fic probably sucks, (feel free to not take this seriously).

It had been a rough day. Three of Hajime’s friends have been affected with the despair disease, the motive headmaster Monokuma created for murder. It made them act in a way they wouldn’t usually act. Akane was scared, Ibuki was gullible and Nagito kept lying to everyone. Mikan had already taken them all to the hospital to take care of them. And Hajime had to go to the hospital to check up on them with fuyuhiko everyday. Hajime was worried, about the disease and over another killing occurring. It was all really strange, almost as strange as the odd noise coming from his bathroom.

Hajime opened the door to his bathroom, where Makan usually hid from the rest. He had found her after entering his cottage for the first time, And had only told chiaki about it. Makan usually acted incredbly upbeat and unbothered, even though she was stuck in a killing game. And never showed any signs of anger and stress towards anything. So why did she look so annoyed when he greeted her in the morning.

"Hey, Makan-",

"What do you want."

"Are you ok? You never acted this way before-",

"Like hell I’m okay! I’m so fucking mad, and it’s so goddamn hot-",

"you’re hot?",

"yes and I feel-"

Hajime had found his answer."Hey Makan could you stay still for a bit? I need to touch you forehead." Hajime immediately put his hand on her forehead while Makan tried to push his hand away.

"Hey! Don’t touch me-"

" Makan! You have an incredibly high fever!".

"Puhuhu" Monokuma appears,"looks like your little friend here caught it too",

Hajime’s worries worsened, "You mean, she caught the despair disease?",

"Yup! And it looks like she got the Anger disease!"

"Anger disease?", Hajime looked at Makan, who was glaring at Monokuma with violent intent. Hajime wasn’t sure what to do with this, if he tried to take her to the hospital, then she would be found by the others. But if she stayed here then her condition might worsen and even spread onto him. And it’s not like Monokuma would cure this diseas- wait

Hajime turned to Monokuma,” Hey! You have to cure her!”,

Monokuma tilted his head,”Huh? Why should I cure her?”,

“If I take her to the hospital, people will find her! But you take her away and hide her! Besides, she isn’t apart of the killing game!”,

“I never said that.”,

“But you never said that she is either! No one knows anything about her except for me and chiaki! She doesnt even have an E-handbook!”.

“Well.. you’re not wrong, but…” Monokuma looks down, “This motive could create such greats kills, and I get so bored waiting for the next murder-“,

”I don’t care about that! Just take her already!”.

“…Jeez, Alright! I’ll take her to the the hospital! Man, what a waste!” A loud siren blared in the distance, And Mono- I mean, Dr. Killgood put Makan in an ambulance and left, leaving a tired Hajime.

“I should probably tell Chiaki about this…”

[sierrabinondo]

2020

damn my last tumblr post is the last day of woodland creatures, did i not do a 2019 wrap up?? i feel like i did. oh well lmao

so, arguably the most tumultuous year in modern history (at least, american history- all pandemic and political events considered) is about to come to a close. it was very not fun experiencing a pandemic as millions lost their loved ones to covid. i was part of the 20% of people that became unemployed as a result of the economy taking a huge dump. i would not want to experience this same year again if it meant that every life lost could be saved. with the year i was given, i made the best out of it that i could. 

like every other person on this earth (except for where the virus was already spreading), this year started out normal as hell for me. i was hating my job but chugging through each week, with the occasional show to worry about and then planning our band’s 2020 release plans. despite my salaried job, i was barely making enough to put anything away in savings, forthcoming disney trip aside. i really felt like i was putting in all this work at a full time job just to barely stay afloat and it grated at my soul. i don’t dream of labor, and i only take jobs like this because nothing i am passionate about truly makes money and the marketing jobs i would actually care about are never available to me/never come to fruition after submitting myself for consideration. 

disney was a huge highlight of my year despite being deathly sick. i keep wondering if i had covid (i never figured it out), but it sure as hell felt like it. i feel like if i did have it i would have passed it on to jeremiah and his family but i didn’t. i could still kinda taste, but not smell because i had the worst sinus infection i ever had in my entire fucking life. like i know i get them a lot but really, holy shit. i really had it bad. it started when we were in the studio the 2nd to last weekend of february on the last studio day. i had to go back to the studio several months later because i was that unsatisfied with how the vocals came out. i didn’t want to fuck up these releases and have my performance be mid so i was willing to pay to have to re-do everything. i assumed if this was like any other sinus infection, it would go away in a week.

lmao.

i had that infection for THREE WHOLE FUCKING WEEKS. i played a show with that monster sinus infection, and went to disney with it. i went two weeks without meds because i really was convinced it would go away on its own. before we left for disney i finally got antibiotics at urgent care and couldn’t drink most of the trip which sucked. but that finally did the job, and the infection waned when we returned from disney. despite being physically weak, in pain (there was one friday my body pains were so horrible that jeremiah contemplated taking me to the hospital), and leaking snot all over my sleeves the entire trip (LIKE IT WAS THAT UNCONTROLLABLE. I HAD NEVER GONE THROUGH THAT MANY PACKS OF TISSUES IN MY LIFE. I WAS LEAKING SO MUCH I HAD TO LOCATE THE BABY CHANGING STATION IN MAGIC KINGDOM. IT WAS LIKE A SECRET STERILIZED TROVE OF HAND SANITIZER, WIPES, TISSUES AND BABY OIL.) i had an amazing time at disney. and it was my first time going with a significant other so it was incredibly fun. it was also a wonderful opportunity to spend time with his family. the only very not fun part was missing our nephew in the main street parade because some bozos fucked up the info they gave my sister-in-law and we were out walking around when his high school band had actually marched earlier than we thought.

it’s funny, because that weekend after we returned was the last weekend of “freedom” everyone had before lockdown. we were weary of covid while in florida but still living it up on vacation. at that time, there had only been 3 cases in orlando. 3!!!! i had plans to go to a party once home but i cancelled only because i still wasn’t completely out of the woods and 100% well again. i felt so bad cancelling because it was for my friend’s party and she never really did parties usually :( and i thought it wouldn’t be a good idea considering i may or may not have had covid. 

then... the following week came. 

monday we got a weird email from our CEO saying there was going to be salary cuts and that it was essential for the company to survive a downturn. i pouted but my parents consoled me saying it was better than nothing; maybe look for a new job. and then- i got the nothing! a day or two later, i was let go. and i could tell my manager was absolutely not souped to be giving me this call at all. she literally prefaced it like, “this sucks, but-” and gave me the news. and i was utterly devastated, sobbing controllably, because i was just scraping by on this income to begin with. and i had JUST, finally, received health insurance through this job. i was asked to continue working through friday the 20th, which i would be paid for, and then i would have to return my laptop and any other work materials (like printouts and promo stuff) i had possession of. 

that day and the days following i had coworkers calling me or emailing me telling me they were so sorry. i was the first to be let go, and they were kind enough to extend words of encouragement to me. clients i worked closely with, a couple of them around my age, assured me that i could use them as a reference. many of my colleagues were my higher-ups, but were very down-to-earth people. one call that stuck out to me was from my colleague sarah. 

sarah was candid with me and said, “y’know how i was unemployed for 6 months?” i knew this well though we had only worked together for a year and a half; it was an important part of her path to where she was in her career now and why she chose it. she continued, “those were the best 6 months of my life.” 

and i would come to find out that yes, me too being unemployed was the best fucking time of my entire goddamn adult life.

when i posted i was officially unemployed i had an outpouring of support from my friends, and received enough animal crossing commissions to pay one month’s rent. the first day i finally felt peace was when i was sitting on my porch on an abnormally warm march day playing animal crossing following my last day at my company. it was like the universe was giving me a hug and telling me everything was going to be all right.

what would come was a pretty chaotic couple of months. jeremiah, my roommate and i would stay up until 3 am either watching anime or playing video games, subsequently sleeping until 11 am or noon. pair having fun, drinking (mostly me lmao) and lounging about with the scary realization that thousands of people every day were dying of covid and it could be my high-risk parents. i would cry at night and be so fucking scared. my sibling would tell me my family was being reckless, running unnecessary errands, and whenever my dad showed up to drop off food or necessities i would cry because i couldn’t hug him. i’m even getting choked up thinking about it now. and it was a fear that returned during the second spike around the holidays because it is the loss i fear the most.  

amidst this really horrible time, i would play games almost every other night online with my friends and it was so much fucking fun because all of us were either unemployed, furloughed or working from home. we’d laugh so goddamn hard our voices were hoarse. one of my favorite memories is playing quiplash with the creatureposting gang and then my big friends from college. and a really fun night in particular was SIIE release night, i popped a bottle of champagne and got absoluely zonked lmao. every few days i would have something to look forward to, some sort of virtual plans with my friends. this would continue until july when my friends were slowly starting to go back to work.

most of my early quarantine days were as follows: wake up, watch anime, work on commissions for most of the day, order extremely good food for delivery, play video games, and then bed. at one point commissions became so overwhelming i started to get slower at churning them out. though this became a daunting project, WOW it really forced me to become a better artist. and this year i got to spend so much more time drawing, which was fantastic. 

one thing i DID NOT spend a lot of time on at all? ugh. MUSIC. FUCKING MUSIC. i barely touched my guitar, stopped writing lyrics after july, and barely completed the instrumentals for about 3 songs. the only thing i consistently practiced was singing (because i would literally curl up and die if i didn’t). do you have any idea how much i blabbed to my therapist in 2019 about how much i would get done if i didn’t work full time and could just focus on my creative endeavors? and then life HANDED that shit to me on a silver platter the following year. i really did nothing insane musically with my time. and now i am really kicking myself for it. if i think about it, it was mostly because i was so exhausted from doing AC commissions, and partly because i was really intimidated about the prospect of struggling through songwriting. now i really wish that i had tried. 

one thing i started doing this year was streaming. i originally planned to just do it for fun, because i am horrible at video games and i really didn’t expect much out of it. i thought it would be cool if my friends could watch me play animal crossing. and then i unfortunately learned that this 3rd expensive pasttime is actually really, really, really fun. i started to spend half my week streaming and it led me to either getting closer to some online friends i only talked to a lil previously and making new friends. viewers would ask me if i continue to stream after the pandemic was over, and i enthusiastically assured them i would. and i meant it. even with the difficulties of returning to work and the band playing shows again considered, i really wanted to. i don’t get invited to things anymore anyway, so fuck it if that’s what i stand to lose lmao.

when the curve flattened in jersey i decided to become lenient again and start meeting with my bandmates. we spent the year trying to finish some new material and chip away at what work we have to do for the full length (yes, a full length). we had plans to tour this year and it sucks that fell through. we also had plans to do so much more content during the pandemic and we faltered under the stress of... well, existing in a pandemic. we did finally get to drop a new single though, and the difference in hype now vs when we dropped our last work was incredible. i am so thankful we were able to build an audience with nothing new for two years. i still often beat myself up because god every day i look around me, at our peers, and wonder where the fuck we’ve gone wrong to have such a slow build. and even daily just trying to stand out and prove that we have cut our teeth/deserve a chance is so demoralizing. i feel like it’s even worse than before. i literally have to talk to myself out loud, both alone and during interviews lmao, to remind myself that we truly have accomplished so much. and to take in and appreciate the little positive things. because this could all be over in a second. and this won’t be forever. the older we get the more we are risking for this, both time and resources, and it won’t do to let myself get bogged down over my inner competitive voice. but god it’s hard. like even with new music we still didn’t even TOUCH any of the goal numbers we set for ourselves in may. though we did put out less music than we had planned, and we really hope to change that in 2021 forreal. 

there was a single we were supposed to put out this year that’s on hold due to some pending assets but goddamn. if we really don’t break some sort of ceiling with this one i don’t know what will. i have the strongest gut feeling about the next single and in my opinion, it’s the best one we’ve had to date. when we play it at shows, the air in the room sometimes shifts. i’m eager to see what the response is and i’m so ready to push it with everything i have.

fuck this is getting so much longer than i planned i have to try to wrap this up lmao.

with our government stimmy money we turned around and got the dog of our dreams. we figured, i’d be home enough to watch him, and it was finally goddamn time. it’s why we moved into a house and not into another apartment. i was so scared meeting the puppy parents, and totally on edge the entire day. we went out to meet the breeder to test my allergies and see how i would react. samoyeds are not 100% perfectly hypoallergenic, but they were often lauded for being so. honestly? i still didn’t feel confident after two hours with the dogs because the pollen out there was bad (one of my WORST allergies) and i had mysterious hives on my arms i couldn’t figure out where they came from. for months jeremiah and my parents had to calm my nerves and remind me i lived with 3 cats before i moved out (i’m more allergic to cats) and that i would be fine. i had to do a lot of work on myself to get out of my own way about being excited about finally owning the dog of my dreams.  

this little fucking boy. i couldn’t believe he was real. neither in the pictures i often looked at about 20 times a day on the breeder’s facebook page nor when we went to meet him. and he was truly, truly perfect. our little shithead. when we went to go pick him out, he sat apart from his puppy pile of brothers, sniffing around the room and trying to rip off his ribbon collar. we locked eyes and he fuCKING APPROACHED ME. i could not fathom any other puppy in the room being brawly. this was the one. we could already tell he was a mischevious smartass, because once he untied his ribbon he proceeded to rip off the ribbons of all the other puppies. but he was the cutest, flopping over on his back when you were near to get belly rubs. 

ever since we have picked him up he has simultaneously been the biggest joy in our lives and the most source of stress lmao. that first week, and the next couple, werE FUCKING ROUGH.  i had a horrible anxiety attack when i couldn’t calm him for bedtime the first saturday he was home and i was loudly sobbing to jeremiah that i couldn’t handle this shit lmao. he was so scared i was having regrets but i am just a fucking anxious wreck and not used to having a DOG!! this is my first dog!!! but while i can remember what life was like before him i cannot imagine going back. the first time he got sick and we took him to the emergency vet i cried so hard. when he is wagging his tail happy to see me and he looks like a fuckin seal because his ears are folded back it is the best feeling. i’m so excited for when he gets older and we’re vaccinated for covid so that we can take him on so many adventures. he is truly the best.

there is so much more i want to say but this is long as shit. this is even painful for me to read lmao. it’s always been for me, a guy with dogshit memory, to remember everything, but so, so much happened. so i’m gonna wrap up the real descriptive stuff with this.

being unemployed allowed me to just experience life. to wake up each day, enjoy the sun in my backyard, have time to try new recipes, go for long walks, GET A DOG, get better at art, get better at singing, spend more time with friends (virtually), bond even harder with my amazing, beautiful boyfriend, create amazing work with my bandmates, improve at video games, connect with people all over the world, and so much more. all my life i let money dictate my every move. i am insanely privileged to have experienced this but when i had to just live within my means off unemployment i did just fine. i once believed i was perpetually indebted to my employer when i was discarded like it was nothing. i can get a job anywhere and be fine. it strengthened my class consciousness and while i have control over my own destiny it is our country that has so royally screwed us of living the lives we should be living. our lives do not revolve around labor. so until we win the fight and get what we deserve, i will be returning to work next month (full time... in commercial real estate.... again), but i will do whatever it takes to replicate the everlasting feeling of joy i felt this year for the rest of my godforsaken life. if that means struggling for 2021 to build up my twitch channel and the band, working 9 hour days and then streaming/writing music for another 4, so be it. i felt from a young age i was not destined to live a normal life and that feeling has stayed with me no matter how much i have tried to play the game of life as i have been told. i finally have the confidence to pave the life i want.

so, if you are here at this very spot because you read everything, thank you. if you are here because you scrolled to see how long this was, here’s the TLDR of my best parts of 2020:

- tapping out cover

- the 2 shows we played lmao, maybe 3 tops

- disneyworld

- ACNH outside on the porch on release day in warm weather

- making banana bread

- learning how to BRINE meats

- watching anime until 3 am, namely the time we watched pokemon journeys until 3 am 

-watching so. much. anime. 

-watching livestream concerts with my friends (the chon one was a real good time)

-playing jackbox with my creatureposting friends, the volcano saga (if u know u know)

-playing jackbox with my big friends

-the first time we ever had panchos and juanchos

-finally having sushi again after painful cravings and being grumpy

-the first time we had chinese food again after the lockdown began

-hitting the punching bag for the first time in forever (my dad bought me one)

-the first time we had ramen in forever

-surprising joe with cake at his doorstep for his birthday (we thought he would be the only one with a pandemic birthday lmao)

-playing monopoly and wheel of fortune on the switch, surprisingly having fun

-jeremiah’s birthday

-getting PAID for my ART

-writing + recording ONE (1) acoustic demo

-finally finishing the singles, fixing the vocals 

-shooting band promos

-unus annus

-meeting samoyeds

-meeting BRAWLY

-streaming except for the times 13 year olds cyberbullied me

-my birthday when my mom got me a terrifying singing birthday candle contraption and my sibling curbstomped the shit out of it (i was literally crying laughing like that kind of noiseless laugh cause you’re laughing that hard)

- getting the stamp of approval from andrew wells and anthony green 

-my friends having their first baby!!!

-dying from thanksgiving charceuterie board

-that week i binged ghibli movies on an hbo max trial and did nothing else

-filling the front porch with plants and most of them SURVIVING the fall, possibly winter but we’ll see in 2021 lmao

- (in general) nailing riffs i fucking sing over and over when practicing but prob won’t get down good enough to sing in front of others lmao

-solo inflatable pool hangs

-thursdays with sarah in the fall playing with the puppy

-the release of the first WSA single in two and a half years

-virtual movie night with sarah watching happiest season

-the music video shoots

-brawly experiencing CHRISTMAS

-receiving really thoughtful gifts from jerry and my parents

-deciding i would work towards being a full time streamer to supplement being a musician

[coffeeandspn]

I’m really, really sorry...

GIF is not mine.

Summary: Castiel hates to celebrate his birthday, and Dean knows that, but he thinks that Cas needs to let go his past, so he surprises him anyways. Things don’t go as planned, and they have a big fight.

Pairing: Eileen x Sam Winchester, maybe Human!Castiel x Dean Winchester 

A/N: I’ll write some ACTUAL Destiel scenes only if u guys like this first part and want me to write a second chapter, because there are no mentions of Dean and Castiel having another relationship than just best friends, nor there are mentions on they having feelings for each other, simply because it didn’t fit with the situation..

Rating: Teen and Up.

Warnings: angst, unhappy ending, Dean is an asshole, Castiel is depressed, physical abuse, blood, fights, Castiel’s father is an abusive and drunken asshole, homophobia, language

Words: 1972

It was done. There was no way of coming back in time to change it. Dean was sitting on the kitchen floor, alone. All the lights were out except for a faint one, everybody was sleeping, and there he was… By himself. His sobs were the only thing that filled the silence of the night, and he swore, he could hear Castiel sobbing as well. That made him feel even more miserable.  He blamed himself over and over again for his stupid mouth. Couldn’t he just, shut up for one time? No, he had to ruin everything. All the damn time. Sam gave him a disappointed look before going to bed, and Eileen gave him a pity one. Castiel had left like 30 minutes before that, and the look on his face… Dean didn´t even want to remember the way Cas looked at him before storming out of the kitchen, with tears on his face. He went directly to his room, slamming the door. Everyone was silent for a minute or two. Dean didn´t know what to say. 

He felt and still feels like an idiot. How could he be so heartless? Why on Earth did Dean think that saying that Castiel was acting just like his father was a good idea? On his goddamn birthday!? Dean was definitely an asshole.

Castiel was doing the best he could, but by the time Dean realized that, it was already too late.

He knew Cas felt tired and sad, that the memories will haunt him forever, he knew basically everything about him, they´ve been friends for over 10 years, but Dean thought that maybe, it was time to let that horrible memory go. He thought that it was time for Cas to actually start living the life he always deserved; a great one.

But Dean doesn’t know shit about how Cas really feels. Because his mother had a great life, and his father wasn´t an abusive asshole, unlike Castiel´s parents. Dean´s family was the typical perfect one, the kind of family everyone wanted.

On his 13th birthday, Castiel´s dad, Chuck, beat his wife to exhaustion because he discovered that his younger son Castiel, was gay, and no one said a word to him. Plus, he was a drunken, a horrible husband and an even more horrible father. He blamed Castiel´s mother because he claimed that ‘’That little faggot bastard came out of YOUR vagina and you raised him to be like that, not me, you fucking whore! Look what you did with my son! He can´t even be my son anymore, not if he likes to suck fucking dicks!’’ His brothers, Gabriel and Michael, that were 16 and 18 by that time, tried to stop him, but Chuck was way stronger than them. Castiel was terrified, he couldn´t even move. When he was done, and had left his mother unconscious on the bloody floor, he tried to catch Castiel, but he luckily reacted quickly and started running as fast as he could. He escaped his house and started screaming for help, which worked, because a few neighbors came out of their houses, and called the police when they realized what was happening. After all, that wasn´t the first fight of the family and Castiel was sure the cops had their address memorized at that point.

The police arrived minutes after, one of the neighbors let Castiel in to their house while Chuck was busy trying to get his drunk ass up from the floor because he fell while he was running behind his son, trying to catch him.

That´s when Castiel met the Winchesters, and that´s when Dean and Castiel´s great friendship started.

The ambulance arrived as well and they took his mother to the hospital as fast as they could. She fell on a coma after that. His father went to prison and killed himself after spending barely six months in there.

Castiel, Michael and Gabriel were sent to an orphanage after that, and visited their mother (and the Winchester family) every day. As they grew older, and their responsibilities bigger, they stopped seeing their mother that often. She never gave any signal of improvement, or waking up, and their hopes started fading. After ten years of being in coma, not even breathing for herself anymore, they painfully decided it was time to let her go.

Today was Castiel´s 25th birthday, the 12th anniversary of his family officially breaking apart, and in two months, the 2nd anniversary of the official death of his mother.

That´s why Castiel hated to celebrate his birthday so much, but Dean insisted on making a surprise dinner for his best friend, alongside with some decorations around the house.

Castiel was drunk when he came home. His clothes and hair were messy, and he smelled like alcohol and cigarettes.

When he saw the decorations, he started swearing and yelling that he didn´t want any of that shit. Sam and Eileen managed to calm him down, and Sam helped him to take a shower, because he could barely walk.

When he sat down at the table to eat, he was incredibly quiet.

Dean, as always, was trying to make things better, so he started talking about his day, and then asked Castiel about his.

‘’How do you think my day went, Dean?’’

‘’I mean… I don´t know, that´s exactly why I´m asking.’’

‘’Well, it was trash. I saw the bloody body of my mother in every corner of my mind the entire fucking day, but thank you for asking though, dumbass.’’

Dean frowned at the insult.

‘’Wow, ok, I´m sorry if your life isn´t perfect, but that´s not my fault and you know it, buddy, so don´t come at me like that, I was just trying to be nice and break the tension in here.’’

Castiel let go the cutlery abruptly and look at him furiously.

‘’If you were trying so hard to be nice, you would´ve started by not doing any of this shit in the first place, because this is no special, nor happy day to me, and you fucking know that!’’

‘’Man, it´s been twelve years! You´ve got to stop tormenting yourself with what happened that day all the time! Do you really want to live your whole life like this? Depressed?’’

‘’Dean…’’ Sam tried to interrupt, but clearly failed when Castiel interrupted him instead.

‘’Are you fucking kidding me, Dean? Do you think I like living like this every damn day? I try so hard to get over it, you have no idea, but it´s impossible when the image of my fucking father physically abusing me, my brothers and my mother, comes to my mind and even haunts me in my fucking dreams all the time!’’

‘’Cas, I know what you´ve been through, but…’’ Dean tried talking softer this time, but that only made Castiel angrier.

‘’NO YOU FUCKING DON´T!’’ He screamed, punching the table and breaking his plate and his glass.

Everyone in the table jumped in surprise and concern. Again, Sam tried to calm things down, but he couldn´t.

‘’Your family was always perfect, your father wasn´t an asshole and your mother lived ‘til you were 20, she was with you through childhood, took care of you, you were able to go to the games with your dad and enjoy a family picnic, so don´t you dare say that you know what I´ve been through, because you absolutely don´t! I´ve been through hell and back and tried to recover millions of times from this, but I just can´t, and you don´t know what real pain is like.’’

Dean got angry as well. Castiel was treating him like he was some sort of perfect commercial guy, and he wasn´t.

‘’You think my life was always perfect? You don´t think my parents had some fights from time to time? You think I don´t know what it feels like losing someone you love, and that should be with you until you´re at least 40 years old? I´ve lost my mom at a pretty young age compared to other people, Castiel!’’

‘’I´ve lost her when I was 13 years old, Dean! And the stupid fights your parents had from ‘time to time’ are NOTHING compared to what I had to witness! Stop trying to minimize my problems with yours, you have no right!’’ At this point, both Dean and Castiel were yelling. Castiel took the already broken glass while he was speaking and threw it, making it break in thousands of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

‘’You´re acting like an insane, just like your father!’’ Dean yelled. The room went silent.

Castiel´s expression changed from angry to hurt in a matter of seconds.

Sam was hugging Eileen tight, trying to protect her in case things got even more out of control.

Castiel´s blue eyes seemed to be even bluer when the tears started accumulating.

His fist loosened, dropping more small pieces of broken glass to the floor, along with a few drops of blood.

A tear came out of his left eye and rolled down his cheeks. He turned away and disappeared.

Sam and Eileen started cleaning up the mess without saying anything, while Dean was still there, trying to process what just happened.

After it was all clean again, the decorations in the garbage can, and the food in the fridge, Sam said ‘’Dude, you´re an actual asshole, you know that, right? I told you this whole thing was a bad idea. You should’ve known, Dean, you guys are best friends since you´re thirteen…  I really hope you go and apologize to him soon. Good night.’’

Sam gave him a disappointed look, and Eileen a pity one. They turned off the lights in their way to their bedroom, leaving just one on.

Dean dropped to the floor devastated, already crying. He couldn´t believe what just happened. After ten minutes of panicking, having no idea how to apologize for the monstrous thing he said, crying and sobbing, he decided to look out for Castiel. He needed to fix this right now. He had no idea if Cas was ever going to forgive him. He hoped he will at some point…

He knocked on Cas’s door, obviously not receiving an answer. After two minutes, he knocked again. Nothing. He sighed, and started talking.

‘’Look, Cas… There’s absolutely nothing I can do right now for you to forgive me, but… I just want you to hear me, please?’’ Dean waited for a response, or for Cas to open the door, but none of those things happened. ‘’Alright, I´ll just start talking from here… I hope you can hear me… I- I wasn’t thinking, man. I´m really, really sorry for what I´ve said, I´m an asshole… I honestly have no excuses, and even if I had, it´s not going to work anyways. I just want you to know that I´m so sorry, I mean it… I hope you can forgive me someday, I… I really don´t want to lose you. Not after all we´ve been through…’’ Dean sobbed, and waited for… Well, anything. A sob, a move, a word. But he couldn´t hear anything at all.

‘’Cas? Man, are you okay?’’

After waiting outside his door for five minutes, he decided to come in.

‘’Hey, dude, I´m coming in, okay? I´m… You´re worrying me…’’

Dean got into the room, only to find Castiel’s window wide open, and the curtain moving softly because of the breeze of the night.

‘’Cas!? Where are you?’’ He started looking everywhere, screaming his name desperately, but couldn´t find him.

Sam and Eileen got up, and asked Dean what was going on.

Dean, with tears in his eyes, and a heavy breath, turned around and looked at the couple.

‘’He´s- He´s gone. I found his window wide open, and I don´t know where he is.’’

[mieczyhale]

a messy explanation of things and unnecessary information about life lately

soooo... right. i’m sorry i haven’t really been around aside from popping in here and there, and that i’ve been taking longer than usual to reply to things / not replying to things at all. it’s NOT that i’m upset with anyone or trying to ignore / avoid anyone, and it’s not that i don’t care / don’t love talking to you (whomstever you may be) i love chatting with y’all and wish i could get myself to reply to things quicker but i do not control the me lmfao honestly my sleep has never had a schedule but in recent weeks it’s kinda been operating like there’s a lil gremlin in my head who spins a wheel and picks my sleeping times at random - and it’s either like.. two hours or most of a day. there hasn’t been a lot of in between so that’s a thing!!

also in a fun added mix of maybe sleep?, missing meds, being stuck in the house more often than not, and the FUCKING EVERYTHING happening in the world right now my mental health is... probably run by the same goblin that runs my sleep schedule lmao consistency whomst?? since the lockdown started the depression has of course been around more but actually, worse than that, is how my anxiety - and by extension: my ocd - have really amped up and i need y’all to know that the struggle is painfully real (and another thing that affects shit like my replies and writing. reading as well. fics have been kinda stressful and that should be illegal. who authorized this?) i don’t hate talking about it but i don’t really like it either?? especially like.. in depth. but i will say there has been crying, screaming, pain!, and i’ve acquired a few physical injuries.

so

yeah

on a personal level - a ‘just me’ level - shit is an even bigger mess than usual lmao but all these things will get better eventually - they always do. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

NOW

ON A PERSONAL LEVEL - THE FULL LEVEL - THINGS.... are pretty great actually! i mean aside from the state of my fucking house e__e but Josh has been working from home for two (2) months now and it’s been really nice - people complaining about their partners being home?? can’t relate. yknow what?? i just might love that tall bastard even more from all this.fuck all y’all miserable fucks

we’ve been going out for drives and we’ve gone fishing and the only place i’ve gone too that’s re-opened is goodwill. because i require.. the shop. they do have a masks required rule! (at least at the one here) and, alongside that, the places we’ve gone that never closed (like grocery stores and the gas station and the hardware store) have social distancing rules and stuff in place which i love. can we keep social distancing after this is all over?? more things here in wisconsin are opening up and we might go to some. idk though. we also might not. either way its still a weird kind of exciting to see things opening back up?? even though i do think we’re not totally in the clear because most of our gov. sucks (our mayor tried to extend our stay-at-home order - keyword there is TRIED. we are the land of cheese, cows, and no fucking braincells for anyone) 

having pets is obviously not a new thing for me but it’s still a thing. so it takes time and effort and energy and patience and love and a certain disregard for your own safety (claws. they really be as sharp as you think) so... it can be stressful, especially cuz we’ve had to keep them inside more as it gets hot out and something keeps breaking our porch screens (our cats are allowed onto our screened in porch or they can go out in a harness but we will never let them run free outside. fuck that noise)  my bbies are all so cute and their personalities and idiosyncrasies are just... *chefs kiss* i love em and they’re definitely a part of what has made quarantine better

i’ve seen my mom a few times, like for my birthday and when she needed help moving Isaiah from one dorm to another and such, but that’s primarily been an option because she has become anti-mask and anti-stay-at-home-order. initially she wasn’t - she gave Isaiah and i fun lil masks since at that time trying to buy them would be impossible and she thought nothing of staying home - but i guess either as its dragged on or as she’s consumed her middle-right wing news that changed s o. she does take social distancing in public very seriously though, so at least there’s that. our favorite coffee shop, where we - pre-lockdown - always went one (1) or two (2) times a week to do art for hours re-opens on monday and that’s one of the few things i’ve truly missed.

josh’s camping trip for this weekend with his friends had to be cancelled because the parks weren’t going to open in time. so today they’re going somewhere to do at least some of the things they would have done if they had gone camping. bikes, bonfires, and cigars. i’m kinda jealous negl but he was really excited about it so mostly i’m happy

trying to figure out how human services was running things during lockdown was rough but thankfully it didn’t take much to get it sorted. mostly because my mom made the phone call i was supposed to lol (the phone anxiety is on its own level) so wednesday afternoon my mom sat with me while i had the appointment with my psychiatrist over speakerphone (which was.. an experience)

ummm.....

OH YEAH! Probably absolutely my favorite thing that’s happened is: WE’RE STARTING THE SEARCH FOR A NEW HOUSE!!!! it doesn’t mean we’re gonna be moving soon or anything, we don’t want to make the same mistake twice (buying the first house you tour that you love) because while it is a great house ultimately it is way too small for us. i mean there’s me and josh, all six cats, and ALL OUR SHIT. listen: i have an entire room dedicated to my various hobbies. and a walk in closet that isn’t big enough. and we both have collections we love and want to display (right now upstairs its hello kitty and downstairs its astronomy and the titanic. and then there’s pop figures, mtg, collectibles, our bottle collection and various knickknacks, etc.) plus all our books! then furniture and cat furniture (i.e towers) and all their shit because they are spoiled babies. and god forbid we ever have a human kid?? yeah. it’s just not big enough. 

so we’re gonna take more time with this choice but what we do know is:: we wanna live out in the country (i’m paranoid and don’t like to be looked at and he loves the outdoors, lived on a farm for awhile. i also enjoy the outdoors but mostly since we moved into this house i’ve struggled with doing anything outside... while we only have one neighbor on our road. but there’s one across the road and one at the other side of our backyard and that’s just too much lol) 

lets see.. um.... my birthday was may 2nd and that was pretty nice, for a pandemic birthday. there’s been a lot of stuff happening involving josh’s family but that’s not something i really wanna get into on here, tho i will say things have been better in recent weeks and it’s been... really nice. josh and i went to his mom’s house the other night and got drunk with her for fun and i actually had a really good time?? and didn’t complain about going?? that’s kinda unheard of.

i don’t have a job anymore - haven’t since early march-ish - and it kinda sucks but also the universe really did me a solid because my choices were either allow myself to work until i have a mental break again or quit. and i was leaning towards quitting (things had been going down hill with the owner and other employees and just the business as a whole for awhile and there’s a limit to the amount of bullshit i can take thanks) but now it doesn’t seem i have to. why do i think i’m jobless? i was barely working anyway, bc of the snow business was slow, and in march i got really sick and stayed home for a week. the day i was supposed to go back i was still sick, and covid19 was starting to become more of a serious situation everywhere, so josh called in for me and explained that between still being sick and my anxiety over covid (asthma + a not so great immune system) i wasn’t going in that day. i never heard from them again. so. 

but it’s all good - there are some options but i’m not looking into them seriously until it’s safe to.

SO

THAT’S ALL OF FUCKING THAT ON THAT

i felt it wouldn’t be a bad idea to come on here and explain A. what’s been going on and B. where i’ve been and C. that if i haven’t responded to you or acknowledged something you sent me / tagged me in it’s literally just because i either forgot to (for all reasons and none) or i don’t have the mental space / energy to. but that doesn’t mean you have to stop talking to me! even if i don’t respond or respond immediately i do read everything and i would die for any one of you fuckers (especially my clowns and the tom hardy movie) 

oh! and just btw - sometimes i don’t get notifications (quelle surprise) tumblr and skype should really pair up and talk about their truly great systems that function so well /s 8| ANYWAY: the best and most reliable ways to get my attention are twitter ( @/mieczyhale) and discord (same name) because i have yet to see their notifications fail. ahem.

i feel like i’m missing things / forgetting things but honestly this post is long enough and also enough of a rambley mess that i’m just gonna try and ignore that feeling and carry on with my goddamn day so i might actually accomplish something. sorry if there’s spelling off or missing words. i’m not taking the time to re-read this and might even delete it bc it’s already giving me anxiety bUT WE’LL SEE ALRIGHT HI AND BYE I LOVE YOU GUYS <3

[beabaseball]

this is a delirious 11pm post for Adults Only guys

Leave this space, child!

...

...

...

...y’all teenagers are going to be tweaked out of their goddamn minds.

Like, not necessarily in the drugged way, though some maybe yes in the drugged way, but like. Specifically in the non-drug way, they’re going to be snippy, and inattentive, and self centered. And that’s probably fine.

Like. Of course teens are self-centered, their bodies are doing weird shit for the first time and people keep making jokes they don’t understand yet, and some of these fuckers haven’t been given sex ed so they don’t even know what’s coming.

The younger teens have just emerged from the child form that has only just started being able to comprehend a larger world. In elementary school, sure I was reading time magazine for kids and we prayed for people who were being reported (religious school; recent tsunami, it happens) and when I was in 1st or 2nd grade we heard rumors that once upon a time women weren’t allowed to do the same stuff as men, but like— you can feel those things, but it’s not really something that you comprehend unless it’s right then a part of your life. I remember the first time I really ‘got’ sexism was in ninth grade in a gym class of 24 boys to 3 + me girls, and I wrote bad poetry about it in my phone for like three months trying to process it.

When I was like 16 our car broke down midway to school and we had to call my dorm parent to come drive me the next 5 mins, and so he’s in a bad mood bc he has to pick me up, and mom is in a bad mood bc car she gets a feeling dorm parent didn’t believe her when she said the car broke down, and it’s like 80 out but more importantly the humidity is a swamp, and I just remember being in his car driving the rest of the way to school and he’s complaining about sunburns bc he’s super pale and Irish, but he’s trying to talk so I kind of say “huh well i’ve never gotten a sunburn. I tan real fast and then go inside and I’m white again.”

and even in the moment I remember being like “that’s not really what he wanted to hear” and I think he even made a face, but I was too out of it and hot and tired to really do anything passed that. And I do feel kind of bad about it? Like, I did not mean to demean his pain of sunburns and I know also that at the time he was having A Rough Time with his marriage, to the point where he had us doing religious plays about parenthood for three seasons straight.

But also, I was a teenager. And looking back I can’t exactly blame my past self for just kinda... saying some words and feeling bad the rest of the car ride but also too tired to care. Theater teacher man wasn’t a bad guy; we were definitely not good at reading each other and he thought musicals sucked, but he also was the one who comforted me out of a panic attack when we had a tornado warning and I ended up convinced my daystudent friend was going to die.

Because that’s what I cared about at the time. Me-related things. Yes, tornado, but I am worried about one (1) person, and that mattered to me. I stayed behind when we got an actual sex-ed person in 7th grade because I was scared that reading yaoi would send me to hell. I had a breakdown in front of my history professor because one of my friends was discovering her gender identity and I was scared I was ‘losing her’ (you know the words!)

Now, someone comes out to me or someone doesn’t understand a term and I’m over here like “yea which definition u wanna use” but back then I was a kid and I had never experienced anything like this before, my hormones were wild—which didn’t mean I was horny and wanted boyfriend, it meant I was in constant fear of bleeding through things and every now and then I would wake up and my body would be in surprise unknowable pain (aka I was finally big enough to cut off my own circulation in my sleep and also growing pains)

Now, I’ve got a lot of that under control. When I wake up with a body in pain I usually know why and probably it is my fault actually. I know a bit better how to get through days when I’m too hot, or too groggy, or just dissociation or mad. (The trick is: say aloud, “sorry if I’m not responding much, I’m just really hot/groggy/out of it/still upset about that.” )

That’s not something a lot of teens have down yet. I saw a kid with a naruto shirt on at work once and I said “hey naruto” and he looked at me like he’d seen the face of god, he was so surprised someone knew what naruto was. To someone even MILDLY in my age range, the idea of not knowing who Naruto is is preposterous. But this was like, 12-15 year old at the most. Not hit his growth spurt yet. Just absolutely blindsided that there was an outside world which recognized something he liked, which I’m gonna wildly guess his parents probably aren’t into or don’t talk about it with him, because the thought of talking Naruto with your kid is horrifying.

Obviously, thinking other people don’t know about naruto is a similar kind of self-centered thought along the lines of “I bet thigh chick isn’t a REAL fan of x” or “EVERYONE has an opinion on me and there is no in between” where like the world... sort of revolves around you.

And like, once that person grows up if they keep that sort of self-focus, that’s usually the time you start trying to ditch them, but even older teens are still just coming out of that larval childhood state. They know a lot more about the world than we probably did at their age—I know a lot of them aren’t having the same existential crisis over their friends’ gender like I did, which is a big ol step— but there are still days that it’s going to be too much new shit to deal with, plus whatever else is happening inside them personally. And it’ll take a while to learn how to handle that.

In the meantime, they might be snappish, or out of it, or just kind of give up and have a ‘fuck it’ attitude sometimes, and it drives a lot of adults just goddamn insane it seems, according to all the mildly aggressive parents at work, trying to get kids who don’t want to be there to give the right reactions. It’s probably not even anything personal to the event that’s making them unhappy. One time I talked to a kid who was crying, and when I got her to tell me what was bothering her, it turned out that some people on her family reunion were mean to her. Nothing about the immediate ‘now’, just a lot of emotion that needed to go somewhere, and that somewhere ended up being crying, and it was not at all about respect or disrespect or anything related to us. Probably most of what was needed was to talk about it (success) and take a long nap.

The first time I remember having a meltdown with a ‘trigger’ like that, I was in 5th grade and my first assignment was something like “what did you do over summer” so I lost my entire shit and cried on the couch for an hour. Passed out, slept til 7, woke up and was fed soup, and have no idea if I finished that paper but presumably I did because I remember a nap and food working.

I would keep having these homework meltdowns periodically, and I don’t know when they stopped, but I had at least one, maybe two, in my first year of college.

And eventually I’ve just kinda.... stopped having them. Stress about a big project wasn’t something that bothered me anymore. You just did it one step at a time, and when you started thinking “maybe I’ll do it in the morning”, you immediately go to bed because you’ve already lost the fight and even if you don’t do it in the morning at least you won’t face it sleep deprived.

It takes time and living to get these experiences, and while one kid might not have the same issues with school work I had, maybe something else just knocks them on their ass every time (same) and it is just. Literally something you need to live through a couple times before you know how to deal with it. You can provide Blank Slate Alien Person with all the mental health tips and anecdotal advice and chamomile tea as you want, but the first couple times they face stress, none of those tips help if they don’t know how to implement them.

If you’ve ever assembled something by instructions and ended up building it upside down—it’s easier to build it again once you’ve gotten mad and undone it and started again. Because you’ve practiced. You already had the instructions, but now you have the experience of building it already, even if the result wasn’t the one you wanted.

Teens are learning a) how to read instructions, and b) that their assembly is probably upside down. and in the meantime, the world is also bonkers wild right now.

When they have that moment of rage, or giving up, or aloofness upon finding shit got built upside down— just. Let them.

You don’t have to ‘fix’ it or ‘fix’ them for having these emotions, or lack of them.

These are normal reactions. They make sense. All I’m asking is that we understand it’s going to happen. These emotions are going to happen.

Don’t let yourself justify being mean to kids and teens by telling yourself they’re being disrespectful. The world and their lives and emotions also don’t revolve around you. It’s not always a rebellion or reason to fight when things get too high strung to hold total control of.

That doesn’t mean ignore them. I was maybe 12 or 13, and it was 90 on a metal ship, and i was wearing an under shirt because i didn’t have a bra, so two layers of clothes on a hot metal ship, on my period— and all I remember is asking my dad to let us sit down and eat some lunch, because i was dizzy and dehydrated, and all he just kept saying we would do it once he saw the tour. I have no idea how long it was but I probably could’ve cried and been called moody or uncooperative.

Life is difficult. Especially for people who aren’t yet in control of their situations. Who are still bursting out with emotions they can’t otherwise articulate.

Be kind to that.

[katreal-fic]

Day 6 — for #fictober 10/07/19

Prompt: “Yes, I’m aware. Your point?”

Fandom: Homestuck

Warnings: Cursing, 2nd Person POV, Earth C world building

Part of a series. Please start from the beginning!

Characters: Dirk Strider & Roxy Lalonde

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It’s almost a twelve hour flight from Hearthstone to New City. The consort Kingdom was smack-dab in the middle of the largest ocean on the planet, the proverbial Australia-sized New Zealand of this new world if you remembered your Old World geography right, so nearly every single landmass was at least 10 hours away by plane. You fly faster than a plane, of course, but even once you hit land you have to cross a whole ’nother continent to reach Roxy’s lil developed patch of coast.

Not exactly a hop, skip, and a jump, but the remote location was half the reason you settled out here.

The other half was Jake English, but that was a handful of awkward slimy wriggling worms you’d much rather just casually toss overboard to turn into home-made chum. The fish would probably appreciate it.

Dirk > Jump Off the Shark

The original plan was to head out at four in the morning and be there by 7pm to crash whatever dinner plans Rox had going. But by the time you cleaned up your workshop--you have to keep things tidy. After all, you never know when you’ll have guests dropping in--and sent out your emails about any projects that were expecting activity in the next few days, you found yourself sitting on the edge of your roof, leg bouncing with nervous energy, looking off into the distance towards the dusk end of the sunset cascading over the--mostly--dark coastline.

You won’t be able to sleep tonight. You already know that. You hardly sleep as it is, except when you feel the weight of years you’ve never lived dragging down on you, long days and longer nights and crying babies and howling laughter winding their way into your dreams to the point where you find yourself taking random catnaps at uncertain intervals because it’s a moment of goddamn silence.

It isn’t one of those days right now though, thankfully, but on the flipside, it means you’re in for a stupidly long night.

If you bother to wait. There’s nothing saying you have to. All you told Roxy was you’d be there tomorrow.

You could leave now.

A sick set of orange and black headphones hang around your neck as you lock up behind you, killing the lights except for the courtesy red ones around the outer edges of the complex and the antennae. Your workshop isn’t on any publicly used maps, at least not the way Jake’s estate was, but most shipping lanes at least know to avoid this particular section of the coast.

You really hate that Hearthstone popped up so close to the structure. The consorts don’t bother, but sometimes troll merchants just had to shirk the commonly used ones. As if they weren’t designed to be the most efficient ones. Idiots. Always needing to go around the system. Believing they knew better than those who designed them.

Whatever. You slide your headphones over your ears, letting the laws of physics slide off you like they don’t even exist, your godly accouterments shimmering into existence over your usual black hoodie and slacks. You hate the tights, and the pants, but nothing else quite stands up to the quality of high-altitude insulation brought about by magic PJs. A thought, and you’re pulling up Booble Maps on your shades, relegating it to a small window in the upper right corner, mostly just to get your bearings. It won’t be very useful until you hit the continent, but it at least points you in the right direction.

Another thought and your headphones fill with some sweet tunes, blocking out the roaring of the wind and your own shitty thoughts as your stupid forked half-cape flaps behind you. You pull the hood up and over your head, protecting your ‘do from the wind the best you can.

You have a long flight ahead of you.

The ocean lasts forever, giving way to cliffs and mountains along the western edge of the great land of--you actually aren’t sure if they picked a name for the whole continent yet. The kingdoms don’t cover the whole giant slab of environments that makes up this particular piece of the world. You remember Dave joking about just calling it the New Land to go with New City and New Prospit and New Derse and New Skaia and The Farms and Village-by-Dong-Mountain--you get the feeling the Chess folk as a whole just like straightforward names.

You’re pretty sure everyone in that memo veto’d his suggestion immediately. You hadn’t really cared so you’d just peaced out and muted it before ever learning the resolution.

Booble maps should have it, but again, the Carapace didn’t much care to keep their records up to date. Just like the consorts. It drives you mad to think about not being able to acquire basic information due to someone else’s negligence.

You turn up the volume to lose yourself and just keep flying as the sky begins to turn pink in the east.

It’s a much more respectable hour of After Dawn by the time you touch down on the roof of a high-rise building you think belongs to Roxy and Calliope. You think, you aren’t entirely sure. It’s been forever since you’ve been out this way. Not since y’all got together and built the internet and Roxy came up with the greatest search engine name of all time.

The most recent address you found matches what you can tell of your general location, and the view over the bay--despite it being noticeably morning and not after dark--matches the picture you’d been sent in the email. So you shoot her a quick, ‘I’m here.’

Standing there in your godly PJs, slightly light headed from a 12 hr+ flight being completed in one shot. You slide your headphones off your ears to let them hang around your neck, your ears buzzing with the distant sounds of a city waking up, free at last from the mad shuffling skills your playlist had to go through in order to get you this far. Blinking in the pre-noon light, not even slightly bothered by the cool morning air or the autumn sun beginning it’s still toothless beat down on your skin. You’re a god. Radiation can fuckin’ suck it.

The door to the roof slams open. Roxy’s there in a blur of pink and white. She’s taller than you remember--almost as tall as you are now. Older than you remember--it’s been at least a year, maybe two. But she still squeals and throws herself at you, wrapping her bare arms around your  maroon covered shoulders. Her hands dig into the loose fabric of your cape. Her weight hits you, you rock back and shift to absorb it.

“Oh my gawd, you’re so early!”

“Yes, I’m aware.” You’ve hesitated for too long. A kid who barely learned how to interact with people before you fucked off into your own isolationist bubble. It takes you an embarrassingly long time to hug her back, “Your point? I did say tomorrow. Tomorrow is now today.”

“Smart alec! I told you to warn me, dummy!” Her weight lightens as she sheds her own hold on physics, and hovers to gain back the extra inch you have on her. Her hands come up and push back your hood with it’s attached tiara, freeing your surprisingly sweat soaked hair from its prison. Apparently even magic jammies had their limitations and you might have pushed it just a little bit

She leaves a big wet smooch on your right cheek, underneath your shades. Your eye twitches, but you sigh as she rocks back, disentangling the two of you and standing back with her hands on her hips. “That’s for makin’ me come up here at the ungodly hour of 9 am on a Sunday. I’ll be gracious and not punish you for also taking two years to get your cute little pantaloon’d butt out here to see me.”

“My bad,” You mumble, chastised. For a moment you see through her. A tall imposing lady, white dress and black lipstick. One of the few who could stop you, but too far away to realize that maybe she should. But you blink and it’s gone and she’s smiling at you. You let your princely get-up slide away into wherever the fuck it goes, leaving you standing in a much more reasonable--and tights-less--hoodie and slacks, “Time got away from me.”

“No duh it did. C’mon, let’s get inside and tell the peeps the good news. ARq owes me and ‘peta some ice-cream. He thought you’d chicken out.”

Of course he did. But you let her latch onto your arm and lead you inside.

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[volleydorkscentral]

ANSWER ALL OF THE QUESTIONS IN THE UNUSUAL ASK GAME, YOU COWARD.

First of all: 

Second, questions under the cut: 

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? - Spotify! all the way. i hoarse my bf’s account so he can never listen but i don’t care it’s mine now it’s full of my music and my playlists and whenever i’m listening to it and it suddenly changes cause he tries to use it on his phone I call him, “are you using spotify?” “oh. i mean i can listen to something else?” “cool, thanks!” and i get my music back. :D

is your room messy or clean? - it’s somewhere in between. my actual ROOM (bed room, i assume) is pretty clean, except i never make the bed. but the house is .. a work in progress. it’s not dirty but it’s cluttered so my bf and I are having to work together to clear that and build shelves and stuff for more storage space.

what color are your eyes? - dark brown! (with little green flecks when I cry)

do you like your name? why? - Not really? i don’t hate it. My mom wanted to name me Savannah but they had her sign the certificate while she was still drugged from her c-section so it ended up as Crystal?? Idk. She named her dolls Crystal when she was a kid.

what is your relationship status? - dating for almost six years. 

how many times a week do you shower? uhhh idk. I don’t shower every day (unless i get gross). AT LEAST four times… but I don’t wash my hair every time cause that’s bad for my hair. I SHOWER WHEN I AM DIRTY.

favorite tv show? does Haikyuu!! count? that’s probably a given. HM. Well, we don’t have cable so I don’t watch a lot of NEW shows? …. OH. Duh. Fuckin me I’m a dumbass. Bob’s Burgers. I literally have it on ALL THE TIME. I don’t like silence so it’s ALWAYS on in the background if i’m not listening to music. I’ve seen every episode a zillion times. I can usually pinpoint every scene and the major lines/jokes.

shoe size? most brands it’s 5 1/2 

how tall are you? SHORTER THAN NISHINOYA BUT TALLER THAN YACHI. I’m like… 5ft-5’1 depending on how much my back hurts. (i used that earlier and someone said it was funny and i’m trash so i’ll repeat it here!)

sandals or sneakers? i wear Bobs LOL. (knock off toms) and i’ve got one pair of sneakers and sometimes I wear my ballet flats around even though my bf says they look dumb fuck u they’re comfy.

do you go to the gym? No. I used to, but where I live now it’d be like a 45 min drive. I don’t really LIKE gyms though? working out is boring to me. No matter how hard I try. I’d love to start dancing again for real.

describe your dream date - April 25th because it’s not too cold and not too hot. Okay but jk that’s a lie where I live it’s balls hot in april. Idk. I’d like to go hiking when it’s not very hot? Take my dog, let her run around. Take a picnic. Sit in a grassy field and talk about dumb shit cause we know each other’s dreams and hopes by now.

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? UHM. fuck like…. $27? i know there’s a twenty and a handful of ones. And a handful of change.

what color socks are you wearing? - NONE. MY FEET ARE COLD. FOREVER COLD.

how many pillows do you sleep with? - pft like 6.

do you have a job? what do you do? - No; I quit after being over worked, under appreciated, cheated out of my paychecks a few times, and no job still due to lingering health issues.

how many friends do you have? answered this already!

whats the worst thing you have ever done? - UHM. Idk i haven’t murdered anyone. I don’t like this question cause if i really try to answer it i’ll spiral into a frustrated, furious depression and self-hatred so… NOPE.

whats your favorite candle scent? i’ve got this candle i got from etsy that’s like… Scottish Highlands? It’s grassy and kinda MAGICY.

3 favorite boy names - i don’t really have favorite names?

3 favorite girl names - answered already

favorite actor? god idk. i’m so bad with names and celebrities. uhm. I really like don’t have a favorite. I LIKE a bunch. Benedict Cumberbatch; Freddie Highmore… uhm. uh. Hugh Laurie? 

favorite actress? IDK OKAY?? I LIKE a bunch but i don’t favorite?? I really like Gwendoline Christie. Uhm. Anne Hathaway makes me laugh. MAGGIE SMITH. how could i forget!??!

who is your celebrity crush? I LEGIT don’t have one.

favorite movie? CLUE takes the top spot most days.

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? I used to read a lot more. The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt

money or brains?  personality, bitch.

do you have a nickname? what is it? not *really* but people online used to call me Chrys. My bf calls me ‘sweetie’ sometimes but he also calls the dog that so… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

how many times have you been to the hospital? - uhm. like the er? Once when I broke my arm. Doc in the box? Not since 2017.

top 10 favorite songs - PFT. Uhm. Jesus just let me die a little. Excluding all Disney; Not in any order:

No One - Biometrix

Danser - Lisandro Cuxi

A Single Moment of Sincerity (E) - Asking Alexandria (the band I was listening to when I designed my rockstar MC that I love so much)

The Annabel Trilogy (a series of 3 albums) - Alesana. Can’t pick a single song because they’re all a part of a huge story. Listen to them.

Chucky vs. The Giant Tortoise - Dance Gavin Dance

Anticoagulant - Sianvar

Ohioisonfire - Of Mice & Men

Coincidance - Handsome Dancer (Watch the Video for the love of god. THANKS ASH FOR THIS GEM)

Devil’s Backbone - The Civil Wars

Still Here - Digital Daggers (i’ve been listening it to a lot for inspiration for a new AU so… yup. That’s gonna be fun and painful)

do you take any medications daily? - yup

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) - i got dry ass skin it sucks

what is your biggest fear? - uhm… physical fear? idk. Heights is a big one that I developed? I used to not care but a while ago I was walking on a bridge and I just… looked over and got FUCKING DIZZZY with nausea and fear that I was gonna fall and almost fainted. 

how many kids do you want? - HONESTLY… one or two.

whats your go to hair style? - tried to brush but gave up so just threw it in a claw clip

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) - moderate? one story, four bedrooms. big ass yard though for the dog

who is your role model? - I don’t really have one.

what was the last compliment you received? - answered already

what was the last text you sent? - actual TEXT message? ‘as long as there’s someone with her overnight she’ll be okay during the day cause of the dog door and stuff. just play with her before you go to work and maybe hide some treats around the house for her to hunt for’ - texting my friend that’s gonna house sit while we go on a family vacation soon.

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? - UH idk the age? i know I saw my mom writing scavenger cards though. My fam has never had a lot of money so to make Christmas more interesting my mom/grandparents (we lived with them till I was in 3rd grade) would make these elaborate scavenger hunts for me and my cousins to do to find our presents around the house or out in the barn or, on one memorable occasion, at the bottom of our pool! Good memories. 

what is your dream car? - one that RUNS and has badass AC and speakers

opinion on smoking? - hate it. please don’t do it around me. my bf’s family alllllll smoke all the time and i get so sick when i have to go on vacation with them and be around it for a long time. 

do you go to college? - i DID. I went to Culinary school and majored in Baking & Pastry

what is your dream job? - Author or Dog Trainer

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? - rural as all hell. give me trees, cows, and horses. 

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? Not usually? but usually the people i’m with do. 

do you have freckles? Not on my face (except one) but i’ve got more like… on my arms and just randomly all over but i dont think ‘freckles’ would be what anyone thinks of when they think of me

do you smile for pictures? - only if i’m forced to be in them

how many pictures do you have on your phone?  - HAHAHAHAHAHA. Well. Before I got my new phone it was over 10k. Now though its only about 2k. 

have you ever peed in the woods? - Only when I was camping. 

do you still watch cartoons? - ALL THE GODDAMN TIME

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? - neither. but i HATE WENDYS and can tolerate McD’s fries and they’ve got ballin’ sweet tea so I guess McD.

Favorite dipping sauce? this honey dijon creamy thing at my favorite French restaurant but idk what is is.

what do you wear to bed? - t-shirt 

have you ever won a spelling bee? - YUP. 2nd grade.  

what are your hobbies? - writing, crocheting, photography, reading, uh… i forget what else

can you draw? when i was doing it all the time i did ok? but i’m WAY TOO IMPATIENT now a days to do it. 

do you play an instrument? - no but i wish i did :(

what was the last concert you saw? - i’ve never been to a concert. crowds are icky

tea or coffee? - tea!

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? - already answered this

do you want to get married? - Yes pls

what is your crush’s first and last initial? - (bf, but I suppose i still have a crush on him? is love considered a crush?) J. Y. 

are you going to change your last name when you get married? god yes. my current last name is my shitbag of a sperm doner and i hate it. my mom kept it after they divorced only cause she thought her maiden name would be too hard for me to spell but i would give anything to have that name instead

what color looks best on you? - idk. i prefer black but i’ve been told green and certain shades of pink/yellow. 

do you miss anyone right now? - not until i thought about it, thanks

do you sleep with your door open or closed? open so my pupper can go in and out

do you believe in ghosts? not until i’m faced with darkness and creepy things 

what is your biggest pet peeve? people chewing their food loud. people not picking up after themselves. people interrupting me (but not in the excited, OMG way. that we can work though) but in the ‘i don’t care what you’re saying i’m going to talk now’ way

last person you called` - my bf to discuss plans for his brother’s bday

favorite ice cream flavor? cookies n’ cream!

regular oreos or golden oreos? DOUBLE STUFF OF EITHER

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? FUCK SPRINKLES

what shirt are you wearing? a shirt that has my dog’s face on it :D

what is your phone background? - the art that Ash drew of Bokuto from my fic Just a Taste!!

are you outgoing or shy? - i hate talking to strangers but with my friends i’m pretty fucking loud and chatty

do you like it when people play with your hair? only people i know

do you like your neighbors? nope. he’s an asshole who neglected his dog and i wanna skin him alive

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? i do my best to remember to do it at night but i always do it when i shower

have you ever been high? yup. 

have you ever been drunk? yup

last thing you ate? BIRTHDAY CAKE

favorite lyrics right now - idk? i guess the first lyrics that came to mind, even though they’re not my favorite, just ones that i like and were stuck in my head for a while: “All of the handsome fiction / will melt away / and when the flame burns brighter / Evaporate” Evaporate - Dance Gavin Dance

summer or winter?  WINTER FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. IT’S SO FUCKING HOT IN SUMMER I DIE EVERY DAY

day or night? both have their merits

dark, milk, or white chocolate? - all chocolate but i prefer white to just EAT. 

favorite month? uhm. uhh. November maybe? for NaNoWriMo. 

what is your zodiac sign - pftt.. i think i used to be a Gemini? i don’t believe in all that stuff 

who was the last person you cried in front of? - ….. my dog? but probably my mom and Grandmother when my GM basically said my bf didn’t love me and was a shit human being and i was a shit granddaughter for loving him. i was both upset and furious and i walked away from them. (my mom called and apologized, but i haven’t spoken to my GM since)

THERE ASH ARE YOU GODDAMN HAPPY. that took so long LOL (I hope the formatting came through I had to redo it on this tumblr page UGH)

[noccalula-writes]

Dry Skin Product Round-Up

At the suggestion/request of no one - I just love talking about this shit. 

In case some of my friends/followers on Tumblr get as super-dry in the face as I do in the winter, a quick PSA re: the best products I’ve found - 

When we made the move from Florida to Ohio, it meant experiencing my first /real/ winter. I grew up in southern Alabama, which def gets cold as fuck and has hard freezes but nothing prepared me for the reality of the heat constantly running high in my house, my car, every store I set foot in and my skin reacted accordingly. I have perfectly normally balanced but sensitive skin in the humid climates of my home but the second it drops below 60 here, my face becomes a leather boot and my hands turn into deadly weapons as the callouses on my fingers begin to break apart and snag on literally every fucking thing I touch. 

So, for my other sensitive dry-babies, I posit unto thee some recommendations (and a disclaimer that I don’t fuck with drugstore brands much given how shady their ingredients tend to be) from the list of things that helped save me from my scaly lizard future during my first transplanted winter and well into my second now. Keep in mind, there’s quite a bit of Lush here because I worked there - they’re out of my budget had I not had an employee discount for the holidays but the products are still really, really good and worth the money if you have it: 

Lush’s Full of Grace serum is a delightful weirdo. It’s a solid bar that you rub between your fingers until the oils melt and you then apply them to your face (or you can put the bar directly on your face, whatever works). It’s loaded with portabello mushrooms and murumuru butter meaning it’s a heavy hitter with the antioxidants too - I have very sensitive skin and have to be mindful of weird shit but this one is so luxuriously moisturizing and smooth that I have replaced my night time moisturizer with this serum alone more than once. It’s 16.95 online or in stores so it’s a little pricier than drugstore but far less than designer brand, and like with all Lush products you can rest assured that it’s cruelty free and ethically sourced. For a toner, Lush’s Eau Roma spray toner is the most moisturizing, but I love Breath of Fresh Air so much that I’m reticent to change it. It’s the ultimate lazy skincare step - wash your face/get out of the shower, spray it on, rub on your moisturizer while it’s still damp and bam, done. The small sizes are like 10.95ish each and the big boys are something like 23ish but I have def made a full size of BoFA last a full calendar year before so it’s well worth it. 

During my No Buy Nine Months that started right after my birthday (Jan. 2nd), I’m going to work on phasing out brands I don’t intend to patron anymore, and one of them, sadly, is Clinique. They aren’t cruelty free and while their entire Moisture Surge line saved my goddamn life during my first winter here, I can’t justify the continued purchase. That said, the 72-Hour Replenishing Hydrator and Overnight Mask are easily duped with the drugstore brand Simple Water Boost Hydrating Booster and Sleep Mask - are they as good? No. Are they way cheaper and still pretty damn good? Yes. And, they don’t test on animals but they do use beeswax if that’s a non-starter for you. I’m forever looking for new moisturizers - especially night time ones - so I’ll report back eventually. When I had bad sensitivity spots I used one of my miracle go-to discoveries - Egyptian Magic, which I think is made in Belgium and has a really creepy racist ‘dIsCoVeR tHe SeCrEtS oF tHe AnCiEnTs’ sort of bent but is really just a shitload of royal jelly and food-grade oils that straight up killed the eczema on my eyelids and quelled any allergic reactions I had. 

A product I am super guilty of overbuying thanks to my tendency towards too many TJ Maxx trips in the summer to leech their air conditioning is moisturizer sprays. I had to put the moratorium on any more of them because there are currently like eight different ones from eight different brands in my home. I have a TonyMoly (another brand I’m gonna have to swear off of no matter how much I love it for animal testing reasons), two different ones by Nooni, Clinique and idk some other white one I can’t find. For ultra-dry skin though, I find that the Dirtyworks’ Play It Cool hydrating facial mist is the best - I am an obsessive lover of their Pure Beauty Facial Oil as my nighttime moisturizer in the summer, it is sincerely the best facial oil I’ve ever tried as it’s non-greasy and soft and nonirritating with its pleasant, gentle sweet almond oil scent. 

To slough off the ever-encroaching wall of dead skin threatening to suffocate my glow out of existence, I lean hard on Clinique’s 7 Day Scrub, which means I gotta find a better one when this one runs out.  Lush’s Angels On Bare Skin, which is their bestselling facial cleanser for a reason. It’s got lavender buds in it, which can be a bit much on sensitive skin (I can’t use it more than a few times a week as the lavender irritates my eyelids) but the ground almonds provide such a nice touch of exfoliation that’s not as harsh as some of the more salt-based scrubs. Their Ocean Salt face and body scrub is the real fuckin’ deal - harsh grain sea salt, lime oil, vodka extract - so you need to be sure your face can handle three different levels of exfoliation before you apply it. I have to be careful with it but I do use it on my face periodically and largely my calloused-ass hands. The Mask of Magnaminty is another excellent choice - I put it on before a shower and then rub it off with water so I get some extra exfoliation from the ground aduki beans in it. 

As for what that mouth do, the Nooni Water Blending Lip Oil is loaded with sea buckthorn oil and apple water and it is a goddamn delight. I am literally ALWAYS looking for moisturizing lip products because they’re the first things to scale up when the moisture gets zapped out of my house via the furnace; I burn through a lot of Hempz balms - namely Triple Moisture - and this year I completely used up one of the Ulta Juice-Infused Lip Oils in Cranberry & Pomegranate and I love it so much that if it’s still on the shelves when I finish my No Buy period, I’ll probably snag another. 

For various and sundry splashes of moisture places other than my face: almost entirely Lush products because I was using that discount, goddammit. Sleepy Lotion is a fave at night thanks to that beautiful Sleepy/Twilight product smell of blended lavender and tonka bean, sweeter than the almost medicinal bite of lavender on its own. I spray the body spray on my sheets at night too. Their holiday line of in-shower body conditioners - Buck’s Fizz and Christingle in particular - are go-tos so I don’t have to waste time being frozen while I rub lotion on frantically as I cry for my robe. I used the shit out of Hempz’s Triple Moisture Whipped Body Lotion last year in my desperate bid for skin-survival and it did not steer me wrong - plus it lasted all the way into spring. Lush’s Handy Gurugu Hand Cream, Lemony Flutter Cuticle Butter, and Lollia’s 1000 Flowers Hand Lotion have been my front line aresenal as I fight to keep these gnarly ass, calloused hands of mine under control. I may have gotten to play with lotions and creams all day at Lush but I also spent a lot of time with my hands in super hot water, usually doing bath bomb demos, so I had to take extra care to keep the moisture on. Also, I finally sucked it the fuck up and dropped the cash on a humidifier for the bedroom but I keep forgetting to fill it because chronic illness and executive dysfunction. 

If you’ve got any tips I don’t know about I would de-goddamn-lighted to hear them. 

[mytherapistthinksiamfunny]

Remember The Titans and Black Lives Matter

I learned American History from Hollywood films and pop culture during the Bush Administration. 

My 6th grade teacher was horrified to see my potential wasting away on the frivolity of Based on True Event sport blockbusters and Remakes of Dystopian Nightmares, Sarcastic Teeny Bop Melodramas. 

Or, worse, the Hippy Dippy Nonsense genres that encouraged the youth to remain ignorant Sheeple With A Death Wish like Jackass or Gossip Girl

Despite how that sounds, he wasn’t a condescending prick. He was a good man with very high standards for media that he came off as a snob. Because he was. A snob. With so much nerd rage. That’s what made us bond.

You see, I’m a snob too. I had to be. I am the daughter of immigrants. And I grew up during the Bush Administration. 

I grew up during a time of Prop 187, El Nino, El Morro, Thalia Y Tomy Motola y el secuestro, Pasale Paisano, anti-Cuba sentiment, Fake News, Columbine, Hanging Chads, 9/11/01, Pseudo-Fascism, WMDs, Jingoism, Patriot Acts, They’re Gonna Follow Us Home, Shakira, Katrina, George W Bush Hates White People Kanye Scandal, Militia, NRA Guantanamo, Dixie Chicks, A Day Without A Mexican, Selena the Movie, El CHupacabra, End of the American Dream, Once In A Lifetime Breaking News TRL Britney Once In A Lifetime Civil Unrest Breaking News Breaking News Narco Corridos Breaking News Miramax Breaking News Anthrax Breaking News Marylin Manson, Las Hijas De Juarez, Eugenio Derbez, La Escuelita,  Los Tigeres Del Norte, Los Tucanes De Tijuana, Napster, Metallica Some Kind of Monster, Bono, Apple, Pixar, MySpace, AIM, new tech every 6 months, cell phones, Reggeaton, Walter Mercado Primer Impacto, American Idol,

To boot, I am the daughter of immigrants. Who were hyper-Catholic. And narcissists. And abusive. And alcoholics. Who were allergic to stability, progress, open-mindedness, or anything conducive to raising children in a global crisis. 

So I had to be selective about the media that I consumed. Because my mother was a Batman Villain, my paternal-figure was a reluctant father unwilling to abandon his fuckboi ways for his family, and my brother and I were left to our own devices to figure out how to raise ourselves and our parents. We sucked at it. And years later we are paying for trying.

So, while navigating the highs and lows of our own puberty-induced hormonal roller coaster, we had to think quick and raise our 2nd-adolescence shit show of a parental unit.

We were parentalized. I didn’t know it at the time, but that is what happened to us.

What I did know at the time is that I needed to figure out how to live. Come up with a division of labor within the family unit and ensure that everyone played their role. You know, like the mother typically does.

And in order to play my role, I had to be studious of this different culture. Not just American culture. Not just teen culture. Not just Mexican culture. But all of them. Somehow, I had to find a way to navigate life. Since the age of 9 years old.

It’s exhausting having to be the adult of the house. I did not have a chance to be a child. Or matter to anyone. So I learned to matter to myself.

I learned not to trust anyone to be part of my support system because the people who were supposed to show me what that looked like were emotionally unavailable. And they stubbornly refused to divorce because that would mean they had failed their culture and religion and would be ostracized from the communities made of individuals they hated but stubbornly worked to impress and fit into.

And that meant that I befriended a strange array of really awesome people who made me feel seen and heard and understood. Like this Santa Clause-looking white dude with a motorcycle fetish and a kind touch with prepubescent girls with culture shock and daddy issues. Best of all, he was genuine. And sweet. And not at all inappropriate with children. That’s not sarcasm. He was not inappropriate with me or anyone else that I knew of. He truly was a great teacher.

Which is why I tried to keep in touch with him long after 6th grade. He was a computer nerd and introduced me to the wonder of the internet. And internet humor. And being opinionated. He was my Big Guy Bow Tie.

His opinion meant so much to me and I wanted to please him so badly.

And not once did he cross a line that would make it harder for me to thrive and move past the other trauma I was being exposed to. 

How sad that I feel compelled to reiterated that he never diddled me. Sad for his reputation and sad that I have come to terms with how vulnerable I was to predators. 

He was a real one.

I knew that my feelings were not normal in the broader sense of the word. But I understood that it was all I had to work with  and make magic with it. So I figured out that I would have to be very guarded and selective with my time, effort, and social circle. Which often meant I was the smart young adult in a group of what I thought were sophisticated adults but were really ghost of my future if I did not get past my daddy issues in a healthy way.

By the time I got to high school, I was the weird kid

I had no idea how I got there. But I had to figure out how to follow my passion without wasting my potential.

My passion is art. Specifically, music. But in general? Art. Books, Poetry. Knowledge.

And because that wasn’t complicated enough: I was discovering my own sexuality. 

And the first born first generation Mexican American with hyper Catholic parents.

I may as well have come out as a supporter of the Axis of Evil

They would never understand that I was ACTUALLY part of the Axis of Awesome

They would not understand. It would be lost in translation

So I had to learn to be silent with my truth. Forever hiding in the shadows and wondering when my life might begin

It began when I learned that the library was my escape. That I could learn about anything I wanted with very basic tools and that my ingenuity would get me far

But what does any of this have to do with Remember The Titans? Or Black Lives Matter?

Well... everything.

Because in addition to my parents being old fashioned and abusive, they were also closet racists. I had to teach myself not to ingrain their prejudices as I trusted them to keep me alive. I had to walk a very fine line between Daddy’s Girl and Daddy Issues. A fine line between Mommy’s Little Princess and Mother Knows Best and No The Fuck You Don’t.

And I managed to do that with the renaissance of black content creators in the early 2000s. Remember the Titans was a favorite of mine. 

Little did I know

I was teaching myself to experience different cultures without appropriating them. I found what I was into and I immersed myself in it.

But I hid it. I silenced my opinions and tried to keep the peace. For the sake of my family.

That did not work. Shocking.

But I was left with the realization that even though my effort was wasted with my nuclear war of a family, I learned valuable lessons that I taught myself. Including that Black Lives Matter, anyone who has trouble acknowledging that needs to grow the fuck up and learn something cause we’re running out of time and ain’t nobody got time for ignorance an fear with a mad man in the white house.

And I don’t want to miss out on my life simply because I come from dysfunction and am constantly playing catch-up to understand what normal is and how to achieve it

I am not alone in this. I come from a generation of American children who learned to cope with complex issues of race, politics, satire, drugs, over-medication. self-medication, financial irresponsibility, weaponized faith and ignorance. It was the dawn of the age of the Basket of Deplorables. And Millenials were caught in the crossfire. I was caught. And I learned. Black. Lives. Matter. Women have voices and opinions that matter and a feminine point of view is crucial to the success of any business endeavor. I taught myself feminism and  committed to its intersectionality before I knew it may be a word the dictionary I owned was missing. I learned that words matter because language has power. I tasted the crispness of that juicy apple from the tree of knowledge. And I wanted to marinate in its juices until i was good and goddamn ready to be tasted and known myself.

Oh yeah, I learned my Daddy Issues manifest themselves in a need to sexually please emotionally unavailable men.

So I chose as wisely as I could. You know, what with the inmates running the asylum 

But my god am I into drummers! And linebackers! And Cheating Ass Marine  Motherfuckers With Secret Families in Portland who Ghost a Bitch Just When She’s About to Fall!!!

My picker is off. I learned that phrase from Loveline. Another resource in my quest to exist in my natural state

Having to twist myself into a pretzel to please the un-pleasable was unsuccessful. 

So I stopped and focused on my real family. My chosen family. Those who care if I live, die, have food and rent money, and ask me to text them when I get home so they know I am safe. Those people. My people. I go hard for them. And they are various heights, weight-classes, political affiliations, complexions. because I learned that black lives matter. As well as Asian American Lives. And Migrant Lives. And Femme Lives. And LGBTQIA+ Lives. In essence, ALL LIVES MATTER INCLUDING BLACK LIVES. Because life is too hard in it’s natural state to be excluding people from We The People. Because the America I Still Believe in does not allow for any of this maga shit to stand

Because we need to be allies for each other against the real danger to this country. 

Internalized Systemic Racism and how it has been exploited to separate the working classes in a strict divide down socio-economic boundaries that are not easily crossable. This phenomenon is often called a glass ceiling. Minorities are particularly affected. But that doesn’t mean that all white people are to blame or responsible or immune. You see, I’ve read the Handmaid’s Tale. 

And while everyone is looking at the Scarlet Robe of the Handmaids and the Serene Teal of the Wives, no one looks at the EconoWives. Wife Trash, I suppose.

Much like the Titans’ football season. High school seniors in a recently-desegregated town. Sounds like the plot of a Disney movie or a Based On True Events TV movie

Gee... I can’t imagine why I related to this...

But I did and I learned from it. I learned that it takes effort to make a champion. And it is not accomplished alone. And while the odds may be ever against you

You have to decide what matters to you. And if that is football, you listen to your brothers on the team and keep your circle small.

And if that is closet-cases that fear for their safety when outed

And if that is a mother at 9 years old because that is how old you were when you realized you were more emotionally intelligent than your own pathetic excuse for a mother who is really a batman villain who you will later turn into if you don’t watch out for the stalker tendencies now and your fuckboi father who still cheats on your mother because this is a pity marriage that neither of them are ready to end even though everyone would be better off, especially your brother who is a precious little squish but being psychologically handicapped by the Stephen King Novel raising him and who is so much like you but you won’t know that for several years because you’re just a child and what do you know what normal is or is not supposed to feel like...

Then that’s just what the fuck it means.

My therapist asked me how I’m doing in 2020 with my depression and the isolation and what I think about the protests.

Like if the logic behind the protests was up for debate. Or if it was a political statement rather than a statement of human compassion and empathy to say that 

Black

Lives

Matter.

I guess she hasn’t seen Remember the Titans

[travellers-survivor-old-west]

Episode 4: “Just gotta try to wiggle myself in some where”- Austin

I kinda wish our tribe would lose just so I could see where the lines are tbh. Also I have a bad feeling that at a swap/merge our tribe is gonna be picked off because we’re going in with the most numbers and on a base level that’s dangerous; however, I do think it could be deeper than that because of the preconceived relationships and I’m looking forward to seeing who goes home tonight and where we go from here.

This round was a little wild for me. Austin has been my fave since the beginning and we finally created an alliance. We both liked eve so that was easy but we wanted one more person. This is where things got a little complicated. Him and eve both liked isaac but honestly i wasnt feeling isaac and love pat. But i didnt want to push too hard so we just went ahead with isaac. 

BUT we also talked to pat and will have ANOTHER alliance with him (so austin, pat and me). SO basically im working with everyone right now except keaton. Im glad our tribe has been killing it because that means no TC wooo 

We tribe swapped so that is fun. It's always interesting to have a switch up. I have still yet to be screwed by a tribe swap in my entire history of playing ORGs which is something I am happy with. This is one of the best iterations of a tribe I can think of actually. I can forge a closer bond with Xander and Dylan, because now if we lose I won't need to vote one of them out, they become my core 3. So, right after the swap I made an OG Malakoff chat with myself, Xander, and Dylan. I just wanted the immediacy to show that I was serious in wanting to stick to that, which I am. I have communicated several times that I want to work with Isaac, so ideally Austin will go in the event that we lose. I feel bad because he is a sweetheart, but he doesn't fit into my strategy, and if anyone understands game being game, he does.

I love my new tribe??? Not only is nick still here so that gives me a safety net, the sammy I like is here. Pat is here. No idea who eve is but that’s okay too. I’m loving this. Inb4 I get voted out next Bc they actually really fucking hate me :^). Byebye payton it was nice kinda knowing you? Hello ~hopefully~ friends <3

I forgot Austin has a date with Mary Jane daily so Im gonna have to cut him some slack.

Tribe swap....just what I didn't want to happen . I dont ha e my #1 ashley with me but at least I got issac here. Jared is on my tribe now too so that could go either way for me because he knows how I play the game. Gonna have to pull something out if my ass here .

This is for Alyssa you dumb ugly fat white bitch why you keep asking me for a confessional with trifling dirty white racist ass big fat bitch x Anyways. Made an alliance with Pat and Sammy! V excited to work with them but we’re snapping in immunity so, I don’t see why we would need to vote off Vi.... I mean someone at tribal! Hehe

Well....we got our last handed to us. I'm not happy going to tribal bc I feel I'll be the one going. I talk with jared and issac the most but I feel jared will stick with xander and dylan. Just gotta try to wiggle myself in some where.

I have been busy the past couple of days so this challenge being a endurance/speed comp was a struggle. And it looks like my team didn't do much. To help... It's fine we can get out one of these other two dead weights. Speaking of them. Im glad the swap merged me with two allies but the other two just suck to talk to... And that's coming from me .. Jess knows what I'm talking about. Anyways I don't want them here and want them gone. As for my allies. I like Jared a lot we are getting along and enjoying ourselves. He's definitely the one I trust most in this game and hopefully it gets me to merge where I can start phase 2 and hopefully get far. Dylan is fine .. he's offline a lot but he's from old tribe so like it helps. 

Just finished the challenge, OH MY GOD i suck at trivia but thankfully sammy snapped and we won, thank u sammy love u so much!!! Still dont believe he is straight tho x IM JOKING PLS DONT KILL MEDFHNSJFDH

I hate confessions. That’s my confession for the round... jkjk. Eh there isn’t much to talk about now that it’s tribal time. I hope whoever from our og tribe stays safe but I forgot who is there so oops. Sammy killed it. I still call bs on the centipede question but oh well. It wouldn’t have changed the result. It would have just made the gap close by 1. 

LOVE MY NEW TRIBE. So happy we swapped. I’m with actual love of my life ASHLEY!!! And Chloe is amazing too. Aidan popped off in the challenge. Keaton is Keaton. This is a good group and I’m glad they did rlly well in the challenge. I love this kind of thing but I wasn’t able to constantly be on my phone all weekend bc that’s rude :( so I’m glad it worked out. Hoping the tribe swap works out in our favor and Xander jared and Dylan stay together for the vote. Idk if Isaac and jared are friends??? I hope Isaac leaves because he knows I’m a ‘threat’ in games and because I think Ashley yelled at him once. Idk who Austin is but Ashley likes him. But idk how likely that is if Isaac and jared have a connection. As long as jared stays safe ifgaf who leaves.

Yowza. We got absolutely wrecked in the challlenge. I don't WANT to lose any challenges, but I believe in the long run I should be happy to take this L. As another way to show my loyalty, I decided to give my idol progress in the chat with Xander and Dylan. I noticed Dylan never reciprocated so that gives me 1 reason to be wary. Then, Dylan posted a very inappropriate joke in the tribe chat in reference to Survivor Thailand, and the word "rape" was used, so that was the 2nd thing to make me uneasy. At first, Dylan and Xander had no opinion on who to vote, so I voiced that I would like to vote Austin- then Dylan remembered who Isaac is and said "he can go." I eventually got things back on track to target Austin, but Dylan better be careful- it's 3 strikes and you're out with me. I have a good relationship with Isaac so I wouldn't be surprised to see Dylan go if we lose again.

Day 9 on the survivor tribe. My thoughts are about toes and only toes. They are consuming my entire day. I exist merely to think of toes. 

Also Chloe...

Okay so I’m just gonna throw down some of my thoughts right now since I’ve been very quiet in confessionals. I fucking hate these small ass fucking tribes. It makes the thought of going to tribal terrifying because your odds of going home are increased. Since the swap ive actually really been enjoying my time, I really like my new tribe and I feel I can actually connect with these people better than on my first tribe. I am glad to actually have Aidan with me because he’s like THE person I want to work with from my og tribe, along with Vi. I still have my reservations on Nick even though I think he’s nice I can’t trust him as far as I could throw him. I really feel that the trivia challenge brought us closer together as a tribe since what’s a better bonding experience than yelling at Jess that she’s wrong 50 times in one day. I think we’re all collectively quite strong and I really hope that means we can slide past for a while without going to tribal. 

Honestly i always forget what i confess from last time but i still think I’m in a good position in the game. However I really do not want to go to tribal because I don’t want to show my cards. Eve and Pat both want me to work with them so we have an alliance and then Vi and Nick approached me and want to work with me as well. This was completely surprising to me bc I felt as if I would just be an easy vote out if we were to go to tribal since I’m a lone wolf. However I’m in the middle and I feel somewhat powerful knowing that people want to keep me and want to work with me. Me and nick have had a rocky relationship in past games but i think he’s a great person. He’s just a wildcard. I love vi and i think she’s the sweetest person to have ever existed but my gut is telling me to work with pat and Eve atleast for the first vote. Hopefully I don’t have to make the decision but who knows. That’s all I have for now other than I think the idol system isn’t anything I keep getting zapped. I feel like a fly in a southern home...ZAP.

I couldn’t remember the day so I put 69. I hate this tribe with my whole heart and my whole bussy. Jared is the only one giving me any sort of shot at making it passed this round. Austin is a slime ball who will do anything to save his own skin, Xander is dead apparently, and Dylan has been tracking down places where famous people died. I feel like this is my own personal hell and while I’ve been assured that Austin is going home (which I wouldn’t be surprised was a lie) I still have to make a swap or a merge and with the clowns on this tribe being inactive and never talking about anything but Star Wars or not talking at all I don’t know how possible it is to win a goddamn challenge. 

*insert Da'vonne pretends to be shoocked gif at a swap* Since it didn't happen at 16 I wasn't surprised too see it at 15 but I'm glad because three tribes provides for much more buffer. My initial reaction to my tribe was positive as I saw that I had Chloe and three new people in the mix. I'm not gonna lie that I was getting bored on my old tribe but I do hope that Nick is doing alright. He's one ally that I'd love to connect with again... Vi is alright too but I don't know how strong of a connection we fostered. First impressions of my new tribemates: Keaton - I heard he was fucking with my friend in another game so my guard was up but I tried and he seems aloof and random with his contributions but it makes sense since he's playing 4 games at once. Will probably work off of the others who contribute in challenges? We'll see. Ashley - Sweet and seems like a hard worker. Not too much of a read on her yet Owen - He seems nice and genuine but not much of a read from a game perspective yet. It seems the split is 2-2-1 on my tribe from previous tribes but I don't know how strict to tribal lines people are going to play but I can feel some aloofness with Keaton and Ashley is traveling so... that's that on that. If we were going to tribal I have no idea what the fuck would happen but I want to strengthen connections. Honestly I think we can make it to the merge without hitting an elimination but who knows. THANKFULLLLLLLY my ass had a lucky night on the railroads and jumped to spot number fifty and apparently found a STEAL A VOTE. This is what I DESERVE. Thank you Old West Gods for blessing me, the star, with this iconic power. I'm glad I have it in my back pocket and I'm not telling a fucking soul. If it needs to be used, it will be flaunted and I will pop shit. Hopefully I can save it for after merge but if I need to control a pre-merge vote just to get my way, I'm going to do it. 

https://soundcloud.com/user-327042896/dylan-ep-2

[firecrackerhh]

Do you ever hear about people your age or younger and they’re doing cool shit with their lives or at the least doing SOMETHING of value with their existence and then here’s you in comparison whose like, boring as shit? Like where do people find the drive to actually like, DO shit? Maybe I’m just an insufferably lazy bitch but like…why the fuck don’t I have that?

Like maybe it’s just cuz I don’t really have a lot going on in my life in general and have no real REASON to really…do stuff, but like, I see people my age or younger doing stuff they wanna do and they’re all like…yknow, at least somewhat happy with their lives. And then I see people YOUNGER than me and it’s like, fuck man am I wasting my life away? Like there are celebrities and shit younger than me, like, god I’m so fucking boring in comparison.

And like I know I’m still young and have time before death has its iron grip on me (hopefully) but it’s like…fuck man I don’t want to die having done NOTHING with my life yknow?

And I dunno maybe I’m just overthinking or being an idiot or some shit but like, if there’s one thing I don’t want is to be like, 40 and barely having done anything useful with my life.

If anything it just makes me feel useless, in comparison to other people anyways. Like shit, if I’m being honest I barely know who I AM really, all I have are little distractions and my own imagination because I haven’t actually talked to an IRL person other than my family in fucking years. I graduated in 2016 and fucking 5 years later I’m still doing the same shit. In my room. On my phone. Wanting to change and yet at the same time not caring enough to either.

It would be nice if my life had meaning. And yeah yeah I know that’s it’s up to me to have all that, but when you aren’t really GOOD at anything it’s not exactly easy.

Shit, I don’t even know how to tie my own goddamned shoes cuz no one’s ever bothered to TEACH ME, at least, not without getting bitched at when I’m not paying 100% attention. Like damn I’m sorry that learning how to do basic shit that I SHOULD HAVE been taught at a much younger age is too fucking boring for me. Not that it matters, I don’t go anywhere.

Like let’s be real, I’m basically a fucking toddler in every way imaginable. I have a limited diet cuz for whatever reason I hate trying new foods, I can only do the most basic of shit by myself, and my social skills are garbage cus I was only ever around special Ed kids who had like, fucking anger management issues and shit. Never mind the occasions when teachers would get pissy at me for refusing to participate. Like I would WANT to be around those fucking cumstains anyways.

“Firecracker that’s not very niiiiiice” yeah well a lot of those kids WEREN’T nice to me, I don’t give a rats ass. Shit I just got shit on constantly all the fucking time by asshole kids who by the way, most of them went to goddamned opportunity school anyways because our school district probably got sick of them. Not even mentioning the TEACHERS.

They weren’t all bad, hell honestly most of them were fine, but the few who weren’t to this day I kinda wanna punch them out. Like the fuck, bullying a kid, the fuck, all because they don’t want to get involved with other kids. Like Jesus Christ I had a fucking IEP did these stupid bitches not READ them in advance? I’m positive that it mentioned my lack of participation, or at least shyness around other kids.

But NOOOOO instead I got fucking BITCHED AT because I sucked ass at being social and got punished I guess, for being too quiet??? Like bitch I was the fucking ANGEL of those classes and you fucking know it you should be THANKFUL I was as quiet as I was!

So yeah my education failed me, wonderful, honestly I almost wonder if I would’ve been better off homeschooled or some shit, because honest to god I don’t think it would’ve made much difference.

It would be nice to not be failed by others yknow? Feeling like I could count on people. Can’t count on my parents cuz they divorced and my mothers too busy to be a comforting presence, not that she really IS if I’m being honest. Hell I told her about the 2nd time I got bitched at and she told me the teacher was right.

And like years later she was all “If I knew that it bothered you…” Bitch, even if I did say it bothered me, you wouldn’t have done shit. You were too busy being all upset about my old man leaving, even though YOU kicked him out, like, woman the fuck up.

Don’t worry she’s a lot better now, though like I said she’s nowadays far too busy to be a comforting presence.

But I guess I shouldn’t COMPLAIN right? Guess I could have it worse.

I dunno sometimes I feel like I was set for failure the moment I was fucking born tbh.

[thoughtsiguess2]

wowza. it’s been a weekend to say the least. this past weekend was supposed to go a certain way. i had it all mapped out in my mind, but one thing lead to another and it was nothing like i, or anyone for that matter, could have ever thought it would be lie. first of all, i went to colorado last thursday which was the start of my weekend. i flew out in the middle of the day. the flight was fine, my mom picked me up from the airport, and then i was supposed to surprise portia at school, but my plan to do that fell through the cracks. that’s a long, boring story that i don’t really feel like telling so i won’t, just know it didn’t work. so then i opted to surprise portia at home, which i did and that was all great or whatever. then the rest of thursday went off without a hitch, i surprised my dad blah blah blah. 

so on friday, me, my mom, and portia all flew to california. and then when we landed, we discovered that my grandma had the wrong time for when our flight got in so she and my cousin, who is staying with her, were still both asleep when we landed, so we had to take an uber to her retirement community. and that was a wild ride bc the guy didn’t speak english which would usually be whatever, but he didn’t know where to go when we tried to get in and it was a hot mess and my mom was being so rude to him bc he didn’t speak english and then she told him the wrong way to turn when we got into the place. so we got dropped off and then we were just walking around trying to find my grandma’s house for like 5 minutes before my grandma found us on her golf cart. so then we got to her house and put our stuff down and relaxed for a hot sec, actually more like a hot few hours, but those few hours were actually super cold bc my cousin who is staying with her lives in sweden now and he likes it super cold so her house was super cold. then later we went to the main street area of the town she lives close to and we shopped for a bit and ate dinner and went out on the pier by the ocean and then we went back to her house, got ready for bed and such. 

then saturday, we got up super early to get ready to go to Disneyland. my cousin drove us and then we started our, what we thought was gonna be 18ish hour Disney adventure. the early part of the day wasn’t so bad, we waited in short lines to ride rides with lines usually estimated to be waited in for up to two hours, nothing bad at all. then portia was a brat like usual, but who wasn’t expecting that. we went to california adventure and rode a ride or two over there, got some lunch and then my mom’s cousin who we had never met before was there and found her getting beer (bc let’s be real, that’s the most logical place to find pam anywhere) and so we met her and then went about our day. then back to actual Disneyland we went. so around dinnerish time, we got a turkey leg to split between the 3 of us, bc they’re gigantic and we all love turkey. so we ate some and then kept it to eat later bc there was still a lot left and we weren’t gonna pay for another one later when the lines were longer and we were more tired. so then we walked around for a bit longer and then we sat down to eat some more turkey and here’s where we (more like i) made the biggest mistake of the entire goddamn trip. i ate some turkey leg and it was so good that i forgot how to chew it properly, and so some got stuck in my throat. but like i’ve had that happen before so i was like, i’ll just chill for a sec and it’ll pass. but it didn’t. so i went to the bathroom to get it out and it wouldn’t come out. i figured i’d be fine after a while, but i was oh so wrong. after that, we went in line to ride the train and then i was like “im gonna throw up,” so i went to the bathroom to do so and it was still bad and i couldn’t get it out. 

at this point, i was lowky dying but i couldn’t do anything about it. and having this turkey stuck in my throat was an experience i would only wish upon my worst enemy, not even my 2nd worst enemy deserves to go through that. what was happening was the turkey was blocking the opening from my esophagus to my stomach, so nothing could get in my stomach, not even my spit. i could breathe, but spit was filling up my throat and i was having to throw it up in order to keep breathing and to not die. this caused us to go back to my grandma’s way earlier than we anticipated, but it was for my sake.

when we got there, i tried everything google suggested i do. i drank soda, nothing. i ate bread to try to push it down, nothing but me having to spit up gross bread and spit. i tried drinking hot water, nothing. i tried sleeping it off, nothing but having a spit bow next to me while i slept. in the morning, my grandma had me try some more stuff and still nothing worked. finally, after taking a shower to get ready for my grandma’s 70th birthday party (which was the only goddamn mother fucking reason i was in california in the first fucking place), i made the executive decision (as i am the one in charge of me and my body) that i needed to go to an urgent care to get this fucking thing out of my esophagus so i could continue on normally, bc i had flights to catch so i could get back to school so i didn’t miss more than i already had planned on missing. so my mom was like “can you wait until we leave to go to the party in like an hour and a half?” bc the party wasn’t close to where my grandma lives and my mom didn’t want us to be stuck there without a car or anything, so i was like, yeah, fine, i’ll get ready and sit here with my spit bucket and wait for everyone to be ready. so that’s what i did. 

so my cousin dropped me and pam off at the urgent care near LAX bc that was the closest one and it was gonna be easy to get an uber to the party once we were done. so first, they didn’t take our insurance for some fucking reason, and second, they were like, we can’t really do anything for you. so my mom and i were like fuck, now we gotta go to an ER bc that was the only place that was gonna be able to help us. so our first option was to take an uber, but that was gonna take 5eva and it was gonna cost hella money. so pam texted my cousin, and she texted her best friend who was gonna be going to my grandma’s party to see if she had already left her house to go to it, but luckily, she hadn’t and she agreed to pick us up (she is my godmother after all) and take us to the ER and even stay with us for a bit. so we did that and i got into the ER fairly quickly and i got a bed in the hallway and we waited for ages to be seen by the ER doctor, which was annoying but like i wasn’t gonna die if she didn’t see me right away so i was fine with it. and she was basically like, we can give you some carbonation and some drugs to see if it’ll work and get whatever’s stuck out and if not, we’ll have to call in a GI doctor and you’ll have to have a procedure done later. to make a looooong story shorter, the drugs and stuff didn’t work and i ended up having to have minor surgery to get it out. it sucked and i missed my grandma’s party and i missed getting to see people i haven’t in forever, but i could finally go on like normal. 

then on monday, i flew from los angeles to denver and then right away from denver to lincoln. and now i’m back to my normal life. but this weekend was an EXPERIENCE to say the least. i’m glad i was able to see people i haven’t seen in forever, but i’m also super sad that i had to deal with what i had to deal with. but the aftermath of it all isn’t necessarily impacting me, but i know that miranda is being impacted by this more than i am. pam is taking all the resentment she has against me and missing the party out on miranda because miranda couldn’t go because she had to work and it’s all just a hot mess and i know that now pam is spiraling into an even hotter mess than she usually is bc of stuff and no one knows how to deal with her. even mamaw is at a loss for how to handle her own daughter. but now miranda is super ready to move out and pam thinks the world is even more against her than usual, and i can’t do anything to help miranda deal with pam because i’m almost 500 miles away from it all. so now all i can do is watch this play out from afar and hope that i don’t feel any lasting impacts from their (pam and miranda) falling out. 

but now i have this new, weird appreciation for what life has to offer. i didn’t almost die, but i had a life changing experience. i’m taking things slower now and trying to live life like i want to, not how others want me to. i’m not gonna be doing winter guard this season even though i already signed the contract, i need to find myself before i can commit to something like that here. i’m gonna become more involved in my studies so i’m not just barely retaining information that i need to know and understand. i’m changing my major to something i’m actually interested in and not just something that will let me have a career that makes me money. my life should be lived by me, for me, on my terms. not the terms of others and certainly not by the terms of my parents. 

[survivorathena-motunui]

Ep. 8:  Jury Duty and Lower Andes are the Real Threats ~ Drew

Anyway it flopped and backfired and Kevin went home and I hope he still likes me.

Here are my parting words. Fuck Ashley and Keegan (probably). The only people I can trust are Jay and my goddamn dog. Kevin out

Okay so I was at work all day and while that was going on Ashley caught on to Jay and Kevin possibly feeding info to Drew. Or at least that's what JD and LA said. So, they switched their votes to Kevin. Which after a quick discussion with Ashley 5 minutes before the votes were due, we agreed it's probably for the best. So Ashley, JD, LA and myself all voted for Kevin. And Jay got a self vote. So with that, Kevin went home. And he said he had an idol in his pocket. Moving forward, it looks like Ashley, JD, LA and myself are now working together, rather than the Wholesome Happening. Is this a good thing? That remains to be seen. But at the moment I'm safely in the majority. And LA, Drews highest target is still in the game, providing me with a bit of a meat shield. This is a crazy game and so much is going on .

That.... Was not exactly what I thought was going to happen tonight but another potential number for Drew is gone. Hopefully, if we can get him to NOT BE IMMUNE, then we could MAYBE get him out. We still need to be weary of the idols and whatever. RIP Kevin. Poor baby. 

I swear to God. In this game I am Spiderman.... You know. My spider senses are tingling.... Or Deadpool, he's Canadian and he had a moment of "my common sense is ringing" 

I am truly amazed that we made it through that round. Am I happy with the way that is upset Jay? Hell no. Do I care? In the game no I don't care, in real life yeah I care. I'm not kidding when I say that I adore Jay, I'm just hoping that she doesn't hold it against me. But I would like to add that one the flip side of that, after tribal, Ashley told me that that herself, Keegan, Jay and Kevin were all working together and they were planing on taking out LA so, that is a huge reason why I don't care (in game) that she's upset. She ended up self voting because she had a headache, fare. If I have a headache I don't want to be anywhere where I have to think. If nothing else she knew almost all day that I was looking at voting Kevin and her only argument agent it was that it was a bad idea. I don't wanna say that she staged her headache, but it came at a very perfect time to keep herself natural. if it was a plan it was a good one really, I mean me and Lori don't look at her any different. She was always a number for me rather or not I was going to go to the end with her. Anyway, I tried to get Drew to give me the Rainbow Idol today, I think I almost had it too but I think in the end he felt that LA was going to go home anyway and I was going to be bitter and I wouldn't have given it back. The real question was if I was actually going to give it back or not. IDK! Probably, unless he won the next challenge, then I would have held it hostage so I didn't get sent home with it. Or I would have tried to use it to send him home, I don't really know what it does so I'm also unsure what I would have done with it. So other then my big melt down that I am surprised didn't send me home, like why did they still vote for LA? If that was my group I would of had them switch the votes. like the first time Drew does not win immunity, I probs wont vote for him, might go for Jack instead. I really do need to send Lori home though, I can't go to the final with her other wise (if Jay is not with me) I can hear her question already and I don't think it would be good... Probably me to Lydia in my season. I was not the nicest person ever. I think that at this point everyone knows that I have an idol, I think that Kevin went home with one and Jack has the other one? Maybe, if I heard him right. Anyway, it wouldn't have mattered if Kevin had the idol or not, it really came down to Keegan and Ashley on that one, the only way that Kevin would have been comfortable enough  not to play it was if he knew he had the numbers. BTW AMANDA! That was a very long pause at tribal! Whos gonna play it... Probs because I ranted in the host chat about my metal struggles. Anyway.... I'm obsessed with this face so have another one: 

You wanna know how I feel about tonight? About my biggest ally and only real friend going home because of MY stupid ass plan? About being totally out of the loop with my allies? About everybody being angry at me and yelling at me in pm about how stupid and frustrating I am? About BEING as stupid and frustrating as I am? About spending two hours making a spreadsheet for the challenge and then fucking up after ten minutes even though I'm literally gonna go home without immunity?

I just fucked up in the challenge, I feel like I didn't make it high enough to win which sucks cause I'm pretty sure I needed to win this one. 

Kevin was voted out, and it's a good thing because it seems like he flipped which is what we were worried about.

Jay is upset though? I get it seems like we've all paired off but I can't go to ftc with JD and apparently she was using my name last round, its only a matter of time before one of us actually goes for the other.

I'm also unsure if Jay is really upset or playing us, which sounds terrible but people say she's a really good player and this would be a good move. I DON'T KNOW. I like Jay and don't want her upset but I also don't wanna be played, the struggle of this game.

The last thing is JD claims to have an idol now. Kevin said he had one too and someone already used an idol ? so I don't know.

Only thing I know is Drew needs to stop coming at me every tribal. 

I'm so sad. I miss Kevin. I don't trust JD and LA and I don't trust Drew even though he's being nice to me and Jack hates me and I'm assuming Keegan and Ashley don't like me because they never talk to me. I know I'm objectively in an okay position because I'm still in the middle, but I'm tired of the middle. I'm mad at the initials and I'm sad. 

So Lori said she flipped this challenge with 40 bundles. I'm hoping this turns out like post every ten minutes challenge cus she thought she flipped that one too. I've got 61 so if she flipped then I really didn't do that great ether. 

Okay 110th confession today. Time for a classic Jay B confession. Anyone who's hosted me knows. It's the confession where I decide it's time to go balls to the wall. To really go for it in the game and stop giving a fuck. So that's the plan. Drew has one of the most crackedt plans I've ever heard up his sleeve, and I live for it. Everyone who's wronged me can vote for me at the end. Everyone left in the game (besides Jack hi) has done better than me in any game I've ever played. I deserve better. Fuck everyone except me. Villain Jay is coming out to play. She's back. She's in. She's going to kill everyone. I don't care. Goodbye.

Still unsure about where Jay really stands and JD needs to go, jfc. At this point it feels like she's running the game, along with Keegan and Ashley. I don't wanna suggest blindsiding Keegan right now because I think Jay will flip when we do but idk. I also have to work soon so I can't plot for long. fsdghriuhdfgdf. 

So! Here's the tea! The tea, besides the fact that I'm going to win, is that I'm with Jack and Drew. Basically, I really really feel like the initials have been playing me this entire game. Love them to death, really, but. Well. JD put my position into perspective when she told me the plan for tonight (hers is 3 on jack, 2 on drew, supposedly) and said "Ashley and Keegan are already on board with it." Look JD, if ashland and kegels are your f4, you need to be way more subtle. If you're making me choose between being #5 in one alliance and #3 in another, it's probably better for me to be #3. I'm the only person who doesn't have an f2, so all I have is to pray that this season is an f3 and stick with the people who can get me there. If I could get the initials to go for Keegan or Ashley tonight instead of drack, that would be ideal, but if they won't, then I'm definitely done voting with them. So there's what's happening, confessional gods. ________________________________________________________________ Update I just had the ugliest realization of my life. My best chance to win. Is. To go with. Keegan and Ashley.

I'm dying tonight. Or rather, I truly hope I am not dying tonight, but I am more than willing to put myself at risk to follow my gut. I've been holding onto the hope that one day Alley and Kieran would see reason. That Jury Duty and Lower Andes are the real threats, they're the only ones who can beat each other. And every time, both of them have turned against me, Ashland especially. Jack-O-Lantern Designs literally has immunity and a hidden immunity idol, and a best friend in Legal Analysis. On the flip side, Laser Attention has the battered player syndrome of having to survive being targeted so long to get to the end. IT'S INSANE TO STICK WITH THEM. And yet Geaken and Halsey seem to be perfectly fine with either 2nd and 3rd, or 3rd and 4th, or 4th and 5th. So I've given up on them. Tonight, Jay has been told in her alliance chat with Jefferson Davis and Lily Aldrin that the vote is going to split 3-2-2, to prepare for my idol. She says they're leaning toward 3 on Jack and 2 on me, because the majority of idol possibilities, minus the topaz idol, would still leave them with some form of revote possibilities. I do have the topaz idol, but I feel like that's completely irrelevant. I'm not playing it on myself. They lied to Jay about voting for Kumquat after Steven, and then they lied again to send Kevin home. I don't trust this plan is real, I can't for even a second, because I don't think they're gonna go with a plan that leaves them that vulnerable. So the topaz idol is being played on Jay B tonight. She doesn't know it. Jack doesn't know it. No one knows it but me. And I suppose now you as well, dear readers. But I genuinely believe that their four are going to vote for Jay and blindside her and get me to flush my idol, and they'll all be fine. They'd still have to contend with me, but they'd have four strong. Anyway I guess if this is my last episode, it's a really good bookend to my Athena journey. My first game, I got sent home because of an idol, because I didn't follow my gut and got it played on the wrong person. This season, if I go, it's not because I sat here trying to protect my own interests. It's because I followed my gut to its logical conclusion and gave myself the potential for keeping my best chance of making it to the end. I hope I'm right, I hope I'm not buying myself 7th place, I hope I'm still here tomorrow, but I'm okay with this. This feels right.

Apparently JD/LA/Keegan/Ashley are splitting votes on me and Drew? Unless they're lying, then probably they're all voting Jay. We're gonna try to vote for Ashley I think? My only chance at making ftc is to look confused, which... isn't very hard.

So it's a double tribal sort of tonight. Tribal, challenge, tribal. All within a single night. RIP. So JD is spewing out all these scenarios and ideas for how we should vote and I guess it's fallen into 3 votes for Drew and 2 votes for Jack. Honestly though I think that's a waste. Drew has that rainbow idol and I can 100% guarantee he's playing it tonight, so why throw so many votes on him when we know they'll be negated? But it's JD's plan so when it fails and LA is likely voted out, we can push the blame onto her. Which is fine. I think Ashley and I are in a pretty good spot. We've got LA and JD as one alliance and then another with Jay. As long we don't get votes sent towards us for either of these tribals we'll be golden. If we vote out Drew or Jack at the first tribal, it could be best for Ashley and myself to then flip it around and vote out LA or JD. We need to keep ourselves on the top. 

So this day has been interesting. I'm now at the point where I'm betting my idol to people that I'm not sure if I even want to go into the end with. I'm so unsure if I want Ashley and Keegan with me or not because I feel like they just know more people and those people could very easily asssume that they did all the stuff and I just came along for a ride. I would be the 3ed, there is no way around that but I don't wanna be the 3ed. But I can't make a move on then yet because without them I don't have the numbers. Okay so the day started with me at work going over ..... Wait maybe I should go back a little father. Like day before yesterday, when Kevin got voted out the 'i killed and eel, I buried it's guts' alliance started but I wasn't a huge fan of it cus I like Kevin and I feel like he was the eel. I want to say that maybe we shouldn't have voted him out but there was no other way, during that vote it was clear that he had flipped on us so he had to go. So anyway, I told them I'd go to the final with them. I mean if everyone thinks i have finals with everyone else then I might as well do it. Can't have people thinking that I do t want to go with them but that is go with the rest of the tribe. Earlier me and Keegan had worked out a plan to vote 3votes for drew, 2 votes for Jack and 2 votes for whoever they vote for. I worked though 4 possibilities. And only 1 has any real negative on them because of the possibility of all vote to Drew turning into votes for the person Drew votes for. So whoever him and Jack vote for will end up with like... Enough votes to go home. In my mind that is LA, the only reason he would have to change his vote is of he knows I have the idol and that I am playing it on her. Which I'm not and jay say she didn't tell him so there should be no reason to change the vote. And I louse my alliance member. 2. Top two votes are safe and in a 2-2-3 with LA, Jack, and Drew. They are all save and then we would have a re-vote (or maybe Amanda will take us right to rocks to save time but I didn't tell them that one) 3. Drew's idol can be played after the vote which, as far as I know has not been done before so idk if Amanda would put it in a second chance season. But if that's a thing then there would be a toe and a re-vote and goodbye jack 4. Most unlikely and now near impossible. Jack and drew uses idols and LA goes home. But Jack said he hasn't been to the reef I a long time. That being said I don't think he'd have been able to get the idol, the rainbow idol. He's just too.... Not into it I guess. But what better what to hide it then to to have your alliance member say they have it and then play dumb. Anyway, me and Keegan bother got the beginning idols, Kevin might have gotten the one after merge andif jack hasn't been to the reef in a wheelchair he wouldn't have gotten the one Keegan had used. So it was set that we would do a 3drew, 2jack vote. But now it's all kinds of fucked up. In 100% sure that Keegan and Ashley are flipping while I am saying this. They are probs gonna promise not to vote for drew and they will probs vote for jay. Because they don't trust her and if they find out that drew isn't using her then why keep her and I have immunity and an idol. I could use my idol on jay, assuming that my gut is telling the truth and they are flipping. My guy has very rarely been wrong and if that is all the case then idoling Jay is the best move. But at the same time I'm just like... Jay thinks that drew is convinced that she is with him. But ready... If he took jay over Keegan and Ashley then he wouldn't really have the numbers. It's going to be one hell of a night and we'll see what happens.

[worldofsurvivortibet-blog]

EPISODE 1 (Part 2) - “I'll be sharpening my knife just in case” - Eddie

SEB

I'll be happy if I never have to see another fucking Robot Unicorn for the rest of my life...

NICHOLAS

Hey guys! So I am going to send it here so it's easier, but I already LOVE my tribe! Everyone is so sweet and easy to talk to (something that isn't always the case in these games). I am really trying to be super active and friendly and supportive towards people so that they feel like they should keep me around,,,, and i think it's working well since I got added to that fun alliance! I'm working hard for this reward challenge so I can prove my worth to all of these people on my tribe! That's about it for now! xoxoxoxo Nicholas

AMANDA

OK i have found that i hate this unicorn game. Like HATE IT.  I am so over it. everyone seems cool so far. there is some people that i am already kind of nervous  about because they just seem like they are already trying to play games and stuff. IDK but they just have me on edge but oh well. I think i am going to try to become close with them but idk i don't really want to be close with hem bc i don't trust them.

JARED

Honestly I am PISSED I was not put with Daniella or Trysten, and I’m stuck with the damn furry! But this will not bring me down, I am here to WIN and I will do whatever it takes to do that. Right now my goal is to just be social and try my best to talk to everyone, because god knows I do not want to be the first one voted out!

CHRISSA

we won that reward which is cool there's a reason i like that game, I hope we win immunity too so nervous still. I am hoping i am safe if we don't win either though. Voting if we had to, would be so hard.

ELENA

I am so happy that we won reward! I am a little bit confused about what exactly they are able to do at "the summit" but hopefully Dani and Darian will share with us when they get back! So far as tribe relations go, I haven't had a chance to speak with everyone yet, but I have made a couple of friends it seems in Seb and Darian. I hope to speak with everyone at least once before Immunity challenge is over.

DANI

I WANTED THAT GODDAMN IDOL CLUE! ME! I did! But my freaking Papa Jabari or whatever that dish was called didn't have jack SHIT! Grrrr.... I Didnt even eat that shit it tasted like acc trash! So I'm starving and now I'm stuck on a fucking mountain peak with a furry, someone who plays the victim all the time, a photographer piece of shit who I'm targeting, and a few other assclowns I haven't had the privilege of conversing with. GET ME OUT OF HERE NOW!

MATT

My lord Seamus got angry over something I called toast. I need to do that more *eyes emoji*

CHRISSA

flag challenges are ugly but I am here for it and the summit twist is cool that's all

JARED

Honestly, I’m mad.  I wanted to go to the summit because I wanted to talk to Daniella… *starts sobbing* I just feel so ALONE! It’s not fair….

TRYSTEN

I'm not going to lie. I feel defeated a little. I just feel like the weakest link, and I'm not going to be surprised if they vote me out.

KENDALL

Okay I just found out newlyf's name, it's Ally. I was right the first time, which is weird because I am usually never right at all. So chances are we are in the Matrix, sorry to shatter your fragile reality :/. Now on to more substantial things: 1. The Reward Challenge Yeah fuck that challenge man. I'm not going to lie, for the first ten minutes it was sort of fun. I like addicting things and the music was pretty good but everything went down hill and it went down hill fast. I still have the bloody song stuck in my head. :( 2. Summit Interesting concept and I like the idea of having an excuse for not being as social. Unfortunately I couldn't jump at the opportunity because that would be stupid. It would put a target on my back if I did, as the possibility of me having an idol would increase. Plus the odds of someone from my group going was very high considering we make up 4/7. And low and behold I was right. Two of the people I trust the most went to the Summit and I got to keep my hands clean. I guess this also means that the idol thing was fake which leads me to say, really guys, really? I stressed out about this.  3. The Immunity Challenge Flag making challenge, I volunteered because nobody else knew how to use photoshop and I am really good at drawing. I'm no Picasso (early Picasso, not late Picasso, I could do that shit) but I think it will work. Not to mention I hate relying on other people because people are gross and that I need to prove myself of some use. If I'm not careful, they'll catch on that I am virtually worthless in most scenarios. Like I wouldn't even be good bait for the wild animals, I taste too much like arsenic.  Anyway that's all folks, I'll be back with more scheming, paranoid ramblings and zombies. Well, maybe not those first two.   

DARIAN

SHIT HIT THE FAN kinda. I got an idol on my first try today. But it wasn't for my tribe... I know..Im sooooo lucky that I find someone else idol. So I was than told that I had 45 min to decide who I was going to give it to. Instantly I had two ideas in my head Keyonjay or Ally. Keyonjay- He clearly is decent in challenges and would be a string partner to attempt to align myself with. He has also agreed that if he finds my idol that he will give it to me. So theres a win win there for me.. maybe Ally- She did really bad in the first challenge and that honestly puts a huge target on her back because she is the easy vote. The team stays strong and no one gets butt hurt. But if she has the idol she can make a move and take out a big player EARLY... Like Keyonjay hahaha. After talking it out with keyonjay and getting his opinions and than a little self reflection I decided to give Keyonjay the idol in hopes that he could be the one to find my idol and maybe even become a strong alliance member!! Ahhhh so stressed!!!!

KEYONJAY

Okay so a couple things. I got the best score on the first challenge out of pure luck. Like just somehow I literally got to like 55k on level two when the previous times i played i couldn't get over 10k on all three levels. Unfortunately we still didn't win which fucking sucks because I didn't wanna go to the goddamn summit at all, but the other tribe chose me because i got the best score apparently. Didn't really wanna be away from my tribe for anything to change with my alliances, and really didn't wanna be put in a position that complicates my game. Ofc immediately that changes because Darian just gave me an idol. like dsfsdsf wtf. I just met the kid. It's really nice though and obviously from my last game I see that you can't abuse people's kindness like that so I'm not gonna use it against him or anything or brag and call him dumb (I'm sorry Mitchy D:) but this definitely complicates things because if I had an idol, I'd rather be the only person that knows about it and now I have to contend with the fact that this idol is basically mine AND Darian's and I have to use it in a way that benefits both of us or risk a pissed off juror. God. DONT GIVE ME IDOLS! I DONT WANT THEM! THEY COMPLICATE THINGS! He wants me to use it on Ally if my tribe loses the first immunity, but hopefully I can protect her and make that not happen regardless, or we can win, which I doubt since it's a flag challenge and I fucking suck at these.

ACE

Alright we got 2nd on the challenge which is decent. And then the next chall is a flag making competition and considering Kendall and Jared know of my abilities hopefully they can leave it up to me. I'm gonna make a wicked gif. Anyways the Summit twist is kinda cool, I got food that gave me an idol clue but it at least told me where NOT to look. I'm probably gonna stick to mountainside since random.org told me to. The Summit is Me and Keyonjay, Matt, Darian, Dani, and Johnny. I already know Dani and Matt, Darian talked with me a bit and they seem alright. They use phone emojis a lot and Im not use to seein those on my computer so its weird a bittttt! Johnny isn't online yet so idk about them just yet. Before I left Jared wanted me to talk to Keyonjay about making an alliance with them. When I heard keyonjay would be at Summit I decided to volunteer myself so I could get the question in. Keyonjay said they were ok with Jared and wanted him to join the alliance with Kendall and Nicholas... uhh no I think we just meant something between us 3 we don't need that big of an alliance even though our tribe is amazing and we'll probably barely lose anybody =') Also Kendall and I sorta already settled Jared as our possible first tribe boot so that'd just make things a bit harder maybe? WHo's even left? Ally and Amanda... that's it rofl also I don't think Ally is Mega anymore lol delete it

JOHNNY

Since joining the game, I’ve found it really difficult to legitimately communicate with people. I can’t help but think a lot of these people are dweebs, who just sit behind the computer all day blogging on tumblr and obsessing over Survivor games online I’m sure, and there’s no way I can compete with no lifes who do nothing but scratch their ballsacks all day. Any who, I do kinda know Dani, who is in the Summit with me right now, and i recognize Jared from a few other games I’ve played, but I’ve yet to approach him yet about the game, but I’m glad I have that in my back pocket. I’ve really gotta start forming some bonds with people, because the conversations I’m having with most of these people are not strong, and I wouldn’t be surprised if these try hard motherfuckers already have a majority alliance, but all I can do is contribute in challenges and hope for the best since my social game isn’t going to be too strong this early on. I’ve made a bond with Crimson on my team because we have a mutual friend, so hopefully that can take me a long way for now. My plan is to just bond with Matt since he’s the only one from my tribe I can talk to, maybe strike a deal, let him think he can do anything with me in this game, when tbh I’ll probably slit his neck soon enough anyways

tbh I get the very scary feeling that a lot of people know each other in this game, and I honestly don’t have anyone in this game that I can truly rely on like some do, and I’m never going to know who is friends with who. Now I know what it feels like to kinda be a newb in the games I play when I just target the people I don’t know… Guess I’m getting a taste of my own medicine here

DANI

Darian is getting on my nerves so badly. Like ugh, shut up for like two seconds nobody cares if you're a photographer. 

So Darian's dumbass comes up to me saying Carson/Julia have an idol in the game. Do I believe him? Yeah. Do I not wanna believe him? Yeah... But that's just how the game works. Oh how I wish I had that idol... *licks lips* Oh the things I would do to it... Grrr....

CARSON

Ok so I'm pretty sure Darian just exposed that he has the idol by trying to give me a fake clue. On 1/4/17, at 7:23 PM, Darian Goggin wrote: > I got a clue to an idol On 1/4/17, at 7:23 PM, Darian Goggin wrote: > It wasn't much but it's something On 1/4/17, at 7:23 PM, Carson (albania host) wrote: > omg On 1/4/17, at 7:23 PM, Darian Goggin wrote: > Don't search the Forrest On 1/4/17, at 7:23 PM, Darian Goggin wrote: > Or the mountainside On 1/4/17, at 7:27 PM, Carson (albania host) wrote: > I guess that can be kind of helpful lol So apparently you get clues to the idol at the Summit. Hell, there could even be an idol at the Summit. But regardless he got a clue... but he should have quoted it if it was real. Plus I went to the mountainside already and got THIS: On 1/3/17, at 9:24 PM, carson (tibet host) wrote: > You come to the spot where an idol looks to have been hidden, but there's nothing here! https://media.tenor.co/images/fb3f2d1e814190100a4ae401b1660d5b/tenor.gif He told me not to go to the mountainside because he already went there and got it and he didn't want me to find out its gone! And I guess its safe to say he's working with Dani now, who I also wanted to work with. I would go to her about it, but idk if she'd leak to Darian that I'm onto him. Right now, I'm just going to lay low with this until I need to use it. It sounds to me like Dani, Seb and Elena already know each other, and if Darian goes with them, they'll have majority. I wanted to work with Julia (and by extension Chrissa), but idk if it'll work out. Once again, I don't want to pry at all because no one really has a target yet. There isn't an easy first boot, so one slip up could cost me the game. OK THE PLOT JUST THICKENED Apparently, the Namtso idol is gone... which means all the tribes are searching the same area. So maybe Darian doesn't have it... but he could be protecting someone that does. I mean he's probably in cahoots with the ppl at the summit, And we can find the other tribe's idols. I'm so fucking shook.

JULIA RAE

ok so right now i dont know what im doing bc i dont really play survivor ,,, but i think im doing alright. i talked to everyone and i rly like carson and darian but that just my opinion! also darian told me that he'd be willing to get rid of seb if it came down to it ,,,, which is ok with me idk that dude and he kinda weird ngl! hopefully we win immunity bc if we dont idk what to do!! hehe love survivor!!

TRYSTEN

Holy Shit! I fucking did not expect us to get first, but thank yoouuu Johnny! *blows a kiss to the camera* moi!

CHRISSA

I am so glad we are not going to tribal, fuck the people who said those things lol just kidding it's their opinion honestly we just don't know who will judge and what they will like. it sucks.

DANI

I feel good I feel nice I've never felt so Satisfied I'm in love I'm alive Intoxicated Flying high It feels like a dream When you touch me tenderly I don't know if it's real But I like the way I feel Inside

DARIAN

Yasss we won immunity! No tribal! Which is great because no one really is on the outs rn so no one can really be an easy vote and that's scary! But I don't have to worry about that so yay!

KEYONJAY

So we lost the first immunity challenge and this really sucks, but luckily I'm in the majority alliance and then we kinda have Jared as an extra number even though he's not really IN the alliance or the alliance chat. I still have my idol that nobody knows about so I could make some kind of move if I wanted. Darian wanted me to use it to "take out a power-player" but I'm like, not gonna do that. It's WAY too early to make a big move like that and it would be completely illogical and senseless. It's better to just go with the numbers right now and not rock the boat. Plus I don't really see anyone on our tribe as a power-player necessarily. Kendall is definitely the leader of our alliance but I wanted it that way so I can continue flying UTR and focus on my social game. Now to see who will be the first to go from our tribe. :( Sucks because I really like everybody.

MATT

Well damn. Johnny is actually the MVP for this one. We can literally just relax and pretend like we give a shit about who's leaving only because it's none of us lmao.

ACE

I'm sad we lost, I like everybody on this tribe. I don't feel like bringing Jared down just yet, I brought up that Ally had the lowest score on the Reward challenge so we could possibly just go with her. Everyone in the Mofos alliance said they wanna keep me and Kendall for doing good work in the challenge but we'll see about that. I think I'm good with mostly everybody except for Amanda and Ally. I just spoke to Amanda and she said she'll vote Ally bc they haven't spoken at allll. Amanda doesn't seem to be in any alliance whatsoever. Kendall is a strong leader in the Mofos and I like that she's more leading than I am even tho I'm the one who suggested Ally. Hopefully that'll keep the target more on her than me later on in the game. Kendall just told me Keyonjay gave her an idol clue and it's the same one I got. So that didn't help any. I guess I gotta continue filling up that mountainside grid.

ELENA

I am so happy that we aren't going to Tribal Council because I really like everyone on our tribe right now! It will be sad if we lose any time soon because they are all just very nice and interesting people. I am so greatful for Carson for doing the most of the work on the flag, I do wish he had somehow incorporated the Yaks since I did the research on Tibet, it felt like my idea was ignored a little bit. But what matters the most is that it was a very good outcome! I can't wait for the next challenge!!

KENDALL

Welp, I might have fucked myself. Why did I volunteer? Why did I think that combining two mediums is a good idea? Dear lord, what have I done? Well anyway, here's a quick recap: Ace and Keyonjay went to the summit and when they came back Keyonjay told me he had an idol clue. He gave it to me because he really didn't want an idol, apparently they are more trouble than there worth. Ace didn't tell me anything about the summit and only talked about making the flag. She only brought it up when I revealed my idol clue. This proves to me that my loyalties should lie more with Keyonjay than Ace. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Anyway after we lost the challenge I typed in the alliance chat "well at least we know it's either me or Ace". I meant it as a joke but they freaked out and thought I was pulling a Zane. I managed to clear up the misconception but I am still not sure if they still doubt me. In order to repair some sort of relationship with her, I showed Ace the idol clue which was the same clue she got. And now I'm nervous maybe she will show receipts of the conversation to Keyonjay and shift the target on to me. It wouldn't be too difficult, I'm a bit of an unusual person to talk to and I mostly hogged the challenge that we failed. Though chances are I'm being irrational so I'm not going to risk it. If I do start panicking and try to get my alliance mates out, I'll end up putting the target on my back that I've been trying to avoid. God I hate feeling fear, it's very gross. Well, all feelings are gross... it's just this one is inconveniencing me the most currently.