#still don’t know if my dr will actually let me start hrt

[stigmatacunnilingus]

So funny that this thing I’ve wanted for 10 years is finally just out of reach and suddenly waiting a week is too long

[prorevenge]

Treat me like garbage for 3+ years and try to deny me my unemployment? We'll see about that.

This is a bit of a long one, so strap in, grab some popcorn, and enjoy. Happened some years ago. If you find any spelling or grammar errors. Keep them and breed them, they make great pets. Tl;dr at the bottom.

So some background; due to some personal reasons, I needed a new start. Years ago, I moved cross country to a state famous for its mountains, colours, and legal drug use. Since I had some family that wanted me to drive some items they'd stored on the eastern coast of the US to the state. I agreed and decided on moving since I could easily transfer all of my schooling to another college in the area. My folks were abusive and I moved out about a week after getting a job, but this isn't about them.

Enter my old boss. They came from the kind of money that paid their way into an ivy league school and owns several properties around town. Their also the sort of person who stopped their birth control just to get pregnant and keep their equally douchey boyfriend around. Just some background and used to establish character.

The Details & Background

My new job was working as an assistant. I thought that it was odd that the interview was at a Starbucks, but I needed the job. I accepted minimum wage as a 1099 employee--yes I know I was dumb at the time, don't worry, I've learned better--and started. My new workplace was out of their basement. Odd, but I'm a good guy, so I roll with it.

Folks I'm not exaggerating in the least when I say I worked sometimes upwards of 70+ hours a week. This was a job that was pitched to me as "part-time." After months there, I did everything from answering phones, running social media and websites, drafting estimates, doing all IT work, some minor cleaning, and generally trying to help out this business in any way I could. I bent over backwards and then some more. Years later I realized I set an impossibly high standard for myself and others as the first employee of this business.

Fast forward to some years in the future. I had left due to some stress-related health concerns. Essentially, I had a small stroke because of the stress and berating. I later came back, as I was and still am a very "pay it forward" person. And felt that I owed the company for getting me a start in an industry that got me out of retail. I've since learned better in this respect too.

The work environment was never great. Any small mistake was treated as a large offense. Instead of this being a red flag to me; I doubled down. Did beyond my best to check all work and even taught myself some coding and server management that would help the business. Business started to pick up and we were soon busy enough to be able to afford a new location (I had suggested leasing a place near our primary clientele). We also needed to hire more staff since the workload was too much for two people.

Before I left the first time, I had trained two office personnel. The company had also promoted me. As anyone who has worked in a small business can tell you, you'll wear a lot of hats. So my job title was somewhere around Estimator/IT/Office Manager/Field Representative. The owner had also bought a house in a residential neighborhood with the intention of renovating it to be our new office.

Problems & Red Flags

Well... any business has it's problems, here's the ones for this company: -New office was a house. The lot was zoned for residential. This was apparent at the time of purchase. -While homeowners can pull permits, you have to actually pull the permit for the work. -We couldn't keep staff or subs to save our life. Turn over was ridiculous. -The owner was using the business accounts as their personal accounts. -Anytime the owner came back in; all staff were expected to drop what they were doing and listen to their tirade and demands. Gods help you if you forgot anything or didn't do it to their exact--sometimes incorrect--specifications. Or the specifications they came up with and didn't tell you about. -The owner would scream, shout, and fume with staff. -The owner dated subs. -The owner often requested that I forge or backdate paperwork. (I'm a notary, this is not only illegal, but I could lose that privilege.) -The owner and other workers would smoke pot on the premises. (I'm cool with recreational use, but don't partake myself.) -We would have to constantly juggle credit cards, accounts, and other funds, often begging the owner to be able to pay our supplier(s) to end the throng of endless, angry phone calls and emails asking for payment. -The owner was a serial appointment canceller. Often, I had appointments dropped into my lap past the time I would need to actually travel there and arrive on time.

After more than three combined years of verbal abuse, threats and demands for payment, dealing with a revolving door of angry staff, and having more than one occasion where subs threatened me and the office staff for not being paid; I was ready to leave. I put in my notice as I was having the same stress-related health issues.

The owner panicked and offered to sit down and talk things out. I had no intention of going back to working for $13/hr, with no benefits, and dealing with downright childish behaviour. I hadn't even been sat down for an interview, offered any sort of salary when I came back, and jumped in because they desperately needed the help. I knew that and got straight to work.

But here we were in a public shop, talking things over and I explained the issues in this toxic environment and how it was affecting me. Why I was leaving and that I was sorry things had turned out this way.

To my surprise, they came back with a counteroffer for a fair wage, praised my work, threw in some benefits, and offered to let me work from home for a large percentage of the week. I was still working on lining up a better job at the time and due to a series of equally bad employment situations before; don't work for a GC if you can help it, I needed to rebuild my savings. I agreed and had written proof of this agreement.

Three months go by and for nearly every week I've received multiple calls after my shift asking, why I haven't been doing (x, y, z) task. Why (insert insurance or customer name) hasn't paid up yet. And, of course, being called into the office more due to the "needs of the business." Anytime I'm in the office I'm putting out more fires than the New York Fire Department. Their bookkeeping assistant treats me like garbage. Anytime I had to teach them how to use a new system or even Excel, I'm met with opposition, stubbornness, and later would receive complaints about how I was "being condescending" to them. (In truth, they were very computer illiterate and unqualified for their position.) But they worked for next to nothing and would flatter the owner. They were generally two-faced and a brown-noser.

The company also had a new office manager since I was working on mostly estimates and negotiations. This was one of the two I had trained and they were a sweetheart. They deserved more than they got there and were days where I had found them breaking down crying. The owner treated them worse than they had treated me and so did their "bookkeeper." I felt sorry for them and eventually, they were fired. It's unfortunate, but they are doing better now from what I've heard.

Well, when the office manager was fired, bookkeeper and the owner drafted up a TON of fake write-ups. Backdating them, forging signatures, and generally trying to make them look like the worst worker to ever exist.

I was upset. This was someone who had been in a similar position that I had been in; saved from the world of retail and trying to gain experience to get a better job. They were a hard worker and set the standard impossibly high. The customers loved them and they ran the office like a well-oiled machine. I honestly think that they had done a better job than I had in some respects.

I brought up how the office manager as indicated by the write-up form was entitled to a copy of the form. That backdating and what was done here was not only inappropriate but illegal. Both bookkeeper and the owner brushed off what I said.

Big red flag.

At this point, I started looking for other work. I was in the office nearly every day and I had even gotten there early enough to open up on most days, then close. I was miserable and kept having chest pains due to the stress. During this time, I was trying to get approval to go on hormone replacement therapy (HRT) since I am trans. In order to qualify, you have to be of certain health requirements. Having a high BP will disqualify you for very valid health reasons.

Due to where I live, I had to drive over an hour away to be seen for these services. Bummer, but I do it anyway. It takes over six months to get an appointment, where I'm told that I need to lower my blood pressure, or I can't safely start HRT.

I'm devastated, I cried, I got seriously depressed, and it only made things worse. To the point that my toxic work environment had stressed me beyond stressed. I came home one day, walked past my roommate like a zombie, went into the shower in our bathroom fully clothed, turned on the cold water, and just... laid there for an hour.

My roommate had been urging me to quit. Seeing the employer abuse, how upset I was, and how my depression was starting to spiral out of control again. Instead of quitting, I put together a solid business plan, job descriptions, improved workflows, and really just a huge document on "How to Unfuck Your Business." Presented the product of several hours of my own time to the owner. Who dismissed it in a loud bar where we could barely hear each other.

After three more months of waiting and trying to prompt change that would never come, I quit.

The Revenge

Since I had left without lining up another, immediate job; and frankly, need therapy, I applied for unemployment benefits due to health reasons. In my country, you can be awarded benefits if you meet a set of strict criteria. Which, after a good day of research, I realized I did meet.

I had never applied for unemployment in my life and having grown up with family that were a mix of benefits fraud poster children and welfare queens; I never wanted to "use the system." But I had bills to pay and needed the time off to pick up my mental pieces after everything that had happened and I was going through. My roommate and I were running low on our savings, so I needed the unemployment.

Swallowing down my pride, I applied and after over a month of back and forth and paperwork; I received my unemployment award.

We breathed a sigh of relief as I continued to recover and look for work. Three months go by and we're past the period of an employer being able to dispute a claim. Again, sigh of relief. I was nearly certain that they were going to try and file against me.

Well, I was right. Turns out they had lied and gotten an extension, filed against my claim. Claiming that I was fired for poor performance.

I was livid.

How dare they insinuate that I did anything less than give 100% at that festering hole of toxicity they called an office! I worked well past my shifts, I had learned and set up the systems and documents they used for nearly everything, and I had treated their company as though it was my own. Sacrificing time, sanity, health, and even some of my own equipment to ensure it succeeded. I kept going when so many had walked away from the dumpster fire that was their business.

Fuck this.

Fuck the owner and fuck this. I immediately and angrily started my research to build my case.

I read the document and the "hearing" was scheduled as a phone hearing in front of a deputy representing the department. There's also a deadline to submit supporting documents. The very latest you could submit documentation for both the former employee and employer was within 24 hours before the scheduled hearing.

Over the next three or so weeks I gathered up years worth of notes from medical providers I had seen, statements from former employees, witnesses to both my mental state and the state of the office environment, etc.

When the office manager had left, they filed for unemployment (which they were justified in). The owner had laughed, drafted up false write-up forms, filed for an extension, and the office manager's claim was decided that the office manager didn't have enough proof and documentation--they hadn't bothered to turn in any--and lost their claim. Which means that the claimant has to pay back any money awarded. The owner and bookkeeper laughed and carried on, bragging about their "handiwork."

Now, I knew that there was going to be a fresh stack of fake write-up forms with my name all over them. I was the one who had authored the write-up forms. I've never once had a write-up form in any job I've worked. I waited until 10 minutes before the deadline, used an online faxing service, and faxed over copies of all of my supporting documents to both the former employer and the deputy for the hearing. Leaving the company no time to turn in any documentation. I kept copies of the faxes to both of them, along with the successful notification that they had been received by both parties.

If they had any documentation, they had to send it to both parties. Since I hadn't gotten anything from them or the deputy, I knew I was the only one walking in with ammo.

Upon further research, I discovered that I could attend the hearing in person. Which, I was more than happy too. Armed with a bulging folder full of evidence, collared shirt, tie, and a beaming smile on my face, I shook hands with the deputy and they called my former employer.

Bookkeeper answers the phone, we're sworn in, all documentation is listed and verified that it has been received, and they give the employer's side of the story.

My gods, to say that they bashed me would be an understatement. Speed bumps take less abuse. "I didn't work." "My work was sloppy." "I was rude to customers." "I refused to go into the office," and so on.

At this point, I'm honestly doing my best to keep quiet and not laugh. They even tried to say that because I was trans, I left because of that. Makes no sense, but ok. I give my statement; which I had written out and practiced several times before this hearing. All the while bookkeeper continually interrupts me and the deputy has to tell them to let me speak, as I did the same for them.

I finish and we start going through the evidence.

Of COURSE bookkeeper is waffling, saying they have evidence (emails and write-ups, both easy to fake since they controlled my employee email account) and starting to reference evidence that neither I or the deputy have received. The deputy has to interrupt them and state that anything they have is inadmissible since they didn't turn it in before the generous deadline.

They are livid and I can tell in the background that the owner is feeding them things to say. (Bookkeeper is not the sharpest spoon in the knife drawer.) Which was an old habit of theirs for anyone who answered the phone in the office.

I spend my sweet, sweet time going through the mountain of evidence I have. I'm interrupted several times and politely ask in my most honeyed of tones, "Bookkeeper, I let you speak freely, can you please do the same for me?"

They are livid. Both the deputy and I could hear the seething rage over the phone and the poor deputy just rolls their eyes over the course of the hour. Having to remind bookkeeper that they are under oath. As they made several contradicting statements. After hearing the evidence from both sides and several claims by bookkeeper of, "This is the owner's 'bread and butter,' you're taking food from their kid's mouths." To which, I calmly reply, "Oh! Excuse me bookkeeper, I'll keep that in mind during this hearing, and when I go to pay rent." The deputy got a chuckle out of that but had to ask me to "keep it civil."

To add to this buttery, decadent roll of sweet, sweet revenge; one of my witnesses was called who was a former employee. Not only did they back up my story, but they got to enjoy jabbing them back too.

Needless to say, a few weeks later I got the results of the hearing and the deputy had ruled in my favour. There was a period of time where both parties were welcome to repeal the decision and we would appear in another hearing. At that time, recordings of the exchange would be made available to both parties. They never repealed.

You would think this would be the end of my revenge. Admittedly, it's not bad, but not pro revenge material yet.

It Gets Better

Before I had left, one of the many bills that had been perpetually left unpaid were the insurances for the company. Which included their unemployment insurance. I smiled each time I deposited my check, knowing full well that there was a very real possibility that over 7k of my unemployment came directly from them.

But I wasn't done. My professionalism had been insulted and dragged through the mud.

You see, I knew nearly everything that was going on in that company. I had made their systems, documents, edited contracts, and was ingrained in nearly every aspect of their operation. I knew they were facing an audit by their former insurance provider.

I called their former insurer and spoke with the auditor. I detailed all of the OSHA, federal, and state violations. I also informed them of the paperwork forging that I had seen while I was there and of several unsafe practices. They thanked me for my time and I happily ended the call.

Next stop, the IRS. I made a report and gave detailed information in regards to their records and even provided why they were not able to file on time. Again thanked for my time and honesty.

Afterward, I decided to touch up with a few of my friends with the regional building department. They were more than happy to listen.

In the three years I had worked there, I had the opportunity to meet and get to know several local businesses and their assistants around town. I spent the next two weeks calling and emailing several key businesses in the area that were their suppliers, vendors, subs, and labour suppliers. I never said an untrue word, asked if they had time to talk, and summarily, was thanked for my time. Funny thing about their assistants too; they control scheduling and well, answer the phones. I'm on good terms with several of them and they backed my story.

Wouldn't you know it, their business address was mysteriously devoid of their trailer, equipment, and signs not long after. They still have an online presence and probably will as long as their family continues to bail them out.

I'm writing this after years because after working for several bad employers, I now have a good job with an amazing company that supports me. It's the result of my years of experience, credentials, and having to eat shit for all those years.

Tl;dr: Abusive employer abuses employees, tries to deny me unemployment, drags me through the mud during the hearing. I not only win my case, but report them enough to drive them out of their location and likely, business.

(source) story by (/u/27thFrequency)

[cardshcrp]

Before we begin, please do note that I am not a medical professional. This is a personal post meant to help my mutuals & followers in a casual context with questions I receive often or issues I’ve noticed that people aren’t quite sure about but often are not entirely comfortable asking for fear of being offensive. I am also doing this in a muse-specific context for my muse, while including a large amount of general information to hopefully be informative, because I wanted to and it seemed like others wanted me to when I suggested it. I think having an open conversation is very important and while I am happy to talk with you, always, not every trans mun will be comfortable in this way. If a trans mun asks you to simply read their blog posts about a topic or tells you they aren’t comfortable with a topic, please don’t press as everyone’s comfort is different. I do suggest research using reputable sources if you’d like to further look into a topic; you are welcome to contact me to be pointed towards some of course, or have private conversations if confused about something or wanting to know more. I am also typically welcoming to people who may be questioning their gender and have questions about my personal experience.

TL;DR I can’t speak for all trans people and this is my attempt to be helpful from my perspective using my personal knowledge, experience, and research into topics that are very important to me personally. I am not a medical professional or a gender therapist.

THE GENERAL QUESTIONS.

1. Is Remy openly trans? If not, in which cases would my muse know about it? Is it acceptable for my muse to step in if someone says something transphobic in character in a thread, etc.? 

He is and he isn’t. Sorry, that was a bad answer - no. He’s not openly trans, but it isn’t a secret. He informs medical professionals when he requires treatment, and he certainly does go around shirtless often. However, his top surgery scars are reasonably faded with age and he has many scars on his torso, which means that people often don’t pay them particular notice. Top surgery is a procedure in which breast tissue is reduced and the chest is cosmetically restructured to appear as we would associate with a cis man; this can but does not always include areola reduction to fit better with the new appearance. There are a few different ways to perform this that leave different scar patterns, but the most commonly known one (and the one that Remy has) involves two horizontal scar lines across the base/just under the breast. 

Your muse likely would not know he is trans unless they were familiar with the scars and looking enough to notice them, he is informing them in a pre-sexual content, or your muse has heightened senses or some other power that would allow them extra perception and so on. If your muse wants to defend him against some kind of transphobia, that’s all well and good, but frankly he’s liable to thoroughly thrash anyone who’s going to be phobic to him and support is really all he ever needs. He can fight his own battles. He is male-passing.

2. How long has Remy known he’s trans? What does it mean to be trans? Does he know his deadname? Does he tell people his deadname? What’s a deadname?

Being transgender means that someone identifies as a gender other than the sex they were assigned at birth. Remy is a female to male trans person (FTM) and was assigned female at birth (AFAB), meaning biologically and genetically he was originally what we would consider female. If you identify with your gender to match the sex you were assigned at birth, you would be cisgender. People may realize they are trans at any age, though it typically involves a period of struggling with their identity, and generally use the pronouns of the gender they identify as. Nonbinary people can also fall under the trans umbrella. 

Remy identified as male from early childhood and in fact did not realize his biology did not match his identity until he was somewhat older (i.e. around eleven or twelve). This is not universal. He is aware of his deadname but has never really used it (aside from for reasons referred to in this headcanon) as quite frankly, it’s a fucking mouthful and he just doesn’t like it in general. It’s quite old-fashioned and difficult. His adoptive family is also aware of it and do not use it. It’s safe to assume your muse wouldn’t, and if they did for some reason find out and use it on him, they’re also probably going to get 300 kicked.

3. When did he start transitioning? Is he “fully” transitioned? Is fully transitioning a thing?

Fully transitioning isn’t a thing. The transition experience is subjective entirely according to the trans person and what they need in order to identify as their gender. For instance, someone could never undergo any surgery or change of dress and consider themselves fully transitioned. I will say that the common misconception involves ‘completing’ a surgical routine, specifically regarding genitalia. It’s not necessary if the person does not need it for their comfort. Some people do. Common elements of transitioning in general include: non-surgical chest binding or chest accentuation, top surgery or breast augmentation, removal of reproductive organs if desired, genital surgery, changing manner of dress and behavior to suit the identified gender. Bottom line is that your genitalia does not define your gender identity. Transition needs are suited to each individual person and what they feel they need to be comfortable. 

Remy considers himself fully transitioned according to what he needs. He has received top surgery and is on testosterone; he has not received a hysterectomy or genital restructuring and does not desire genital surgery, though he is undecided on the hysterectomy. He does not have plans to have one, as it’s a costly procedure and the recovery isn’t ideal for someone as active as he is. That may change in the future. He started transitioning medically at the age of 16, which is when he began receiving HRT. I have a page concerning this here, so as not to extend this FAQ past the insane length it’ll already be.

4. Is Remy on testosterone? What the hell’s a HRT? What happens when you’re on T, and the different methods of taking it. What happens if you stop?

Hormone replacement therapy (HRT) is the process during which someone is assigned to take hormones/hormone medication in order to provide them bodily changes so that their body more closely aligns to their identity and may allow them to “pass” as their identified gender more easily. For instance, female-to-male men would take testosterone (T), and male-to-female women would take estrogen (if desired or needed). I can’t speak on the estrogen administration and I don’t want to get that wrong, so I will talk mostly about T here - any trans ladies are welcome to add in. I know the basics but don’t want to misrepresent, so. 

T is available in skin patches, gel, pills, and shots. The patches and gels are lower dosages and take longer to have a visible effect, while the shots are generally the most known method of delivery. When you take hormones, your body does change. It doesn’t undo your first puberty, but a trans man on T would reduce in body fat and increase in muscle mass somewhat, and a redistribution of body fat. Within 1-3 months on a ‘standard’ dosage typical effects include increased sex drive, increased vaginal dryness, acne, hair growth overall, and mentioned muscle/fat changes. Notably, the clitoris also grows and may appear somewhat like a very small penis, and typically this growth is in the range of 1-3 cm. Within 6 months, menstruation usually stops and voice drops and begins to change, though that process may take a long time. After a year or so facial hair growth may start, though the rate at which it becomes steady may take years, and male-pattern baldness may also be a problem for some men if it’s a thing in their family and so on. 

 You do have to keep taking it, and if you stop some effects are permanent - i.e. voice change, and clitoris growth. Hair growth may reduce but is unlikely to completely stop. Menstruation does return, and your fat and muscle also resume their previous distributions over time.

Remy is on testosterone and has been. He uses the shot method. 

5. Does he menstruate if he’s on T? What’s that like if so?

He no longer menstruates on T. However, here let’s address the other associated question - yes, trans men can get pregnant despite being on T and not menstruating. Birth control is still important. This isn’t true for everyone. Some people may become sterile forever. However, there has been research on this, and it has been found that despite lack of actual menstruation, ovulation still occurs in some cases. However, if a trans man becomes pregnant, he would have to stop T in order to carry to term if desired, as otherwise the hormones are toxic for a fetus. 

6. Does Remy experience dysphoria, and if so to what extent? How does it affect him? What is dysphoria, and why does it matter?

Gender dysphoria is a disconnect between a person’s identified gender and biological sex, i.e. when a person feels they are of a different gender than the one that ‘matches’ their physical sex characteristics. 

Yes, he does. He used to experience it to a far greater degree, obviously; it was particularly bad in regards to his chest. However, after top surgery and being on T for years, he is mostly comfortable with his body. He has no real lingering dysphoria from the waist up and has mostly conquered his bottom dysphoria as well; however, there are still some days in which he struggles with it and would not want to be touched/penetrated vaginally for his own comfort. Sexual contexts are mostly the only area he experiences lingering bother on this.

7. What is packing? Does Remy do it? Explain packing and the types of packing.

Packing is the practice in which FTM men essentially wear a prosthetic penis. This may be to help them pass or simply because it alleviates their personal dysphoria. There are many types of packers; some are just makeshift stuffing or fabric. Others are made to enable men to pass in the bathroom and relieve themselves standing without being questioned, and are called stand-to-pee (STP) devices. Others are made with the capacity to be used for sex (called pack n plays, etc.), which are typically made out of body safe silicone. In this case it should be noted that they are semi-erect only. It would be pretty inconvenient to pack a rock-hard prosthetic all hours of the day.

Remy does not typically pack as he feels it lowers his overall agility and he has reached fairly low levels of bottom dysphoria. He does on occasion if a particular costume makes him feel dysphoric or has a partner who very much likes spontaneity and he just wants that option for a particular day.

8. Remy has a fair number of stereotypically female habits. Is it because he’s trans?

Uh, no. It’s just because he likes doing certain things and likes generally being self-sufficient. He likes pink (purple too) because it’s a pretty color and it looks good on him, and additionally looks good in his eyes; and due to his altered eye biology, colors do appear differently to him, so he does have an attachment to colors that really look good both to him and others when worn. He likes cooking because good food is delicious and his metabolism is super fast, so he has to eat a lot anyway. Enjoying the process doesn’t hurt. He sews because it’s useful, and so on.

A trans man can be as ‘feminine’ as he likes. It doesn’t make him less of a man.

9. Would he date a trans woman, trans man, or a nonbinary person? Are trans people more likely to date one gender identity over another?

Sure he would! He’s pan and would date anyone of any (or no) gender identity. And in general, no, trans people really aren’t more likely to date one gender over another. Sexuality =/= gender identity. A trans person can be gay, could be straight, bi, pan, ace, it doesn’t matter! It’s person to person no matter what your gender identity is. Yes, you can be gay if you’re trans, you can be lesbian if you’re trans.

10. My character XYZ is magical and could change Remy physically if he wanted it. Would he want to have a flesh peen? Is it offensive to ask?

It’s not offensive to me if you ask. However, this may not hold true for other muns. I understand that it’s an easy leap to make and you probably are coming from a very good place and want to help my muse be happy, but the answer is a very big no! He wouldn’t want that. To him (and me), magically providing a flesh and blood penis would negate the years and years of working to be comfortable with his body as who he is, and he’s proud to be trans. This is my opinion and may be subjective according to other muns and muses.

11. I’m thinking about writing a trans character, but I’m cis and I don’t want to offend anyone. Should I? If I did, would drag queens, etc. be appropriate face claims? Please note that for this question, I can only give you my personal opinion.

My general opinion here is kind of neutral. I don’t think people should be banned from writing things regardless of whether or not you identify as x thing you would like to write a character as being. However, I do think that if you want to write a trans character, you need to have a lot of research. We are often misrepresented in media and it does suck, there doesn’t need to be more of it. There is not a lot of open conversation about being trans because it is a really difficult thing, and that’s understandable, and it makes it hard. I’d say it’s fine if you’re genuinely dedicated to doing a good, positive portrayal, and it’s not the literal only element your muse has, but I would also say that you should treat it as a professional endeavor if you want to be an ally because it means a lot. Will you get hate? I don’t know. Would I personally attack you? No, not unless you were transphobic in your portrayal. Should you use a drag queen as your face claim? No. If you write a trans person, you should use either a trans face claim or a cis face claim of the gender your muse identifies as. Drag queens ultimately are doing performance art and while some trans people may do drag, it is performance art and a character being presented in an exaggerated way as a way of showing skill at makeup and costuming. It isn’t what someone looks like in real life on the daily and shouldn’t be portrayed as such unless your muse is literally a drag queen and is performing, you know what I mean?

THE NSFW-RELATED QUESTIONS.

12. Does T have bedroom side effects? If so, what are they?

Yes. I’d say please refer to #4 for the obvious! Vaginal dryness is common and clit growth as well, which does also change how you should handle said clit. In general, I’d say a good rule is to be more careful. It’s sensitive and delicate, do not treat it roughly and continuously check in with your partner! Every person has different sexual preferences, so I’m not even going to touch this in depth; if you want to know Remy’s, feel free to ask me separately!

13. Do the bits change, because I don’t know and I’m afraid to ask?

Yes they do! See #4, I put this with the rest of the testosterone effects. (:

14. What do I call the no-no’s if we smut? Do I ask IC or OOC? Is it bad to ask?

This is a pretty subjective question. As a general rule: ask the mun. Every trans person has a different preference; some of us will call our clitoris the dick, refer to vagina and asshole as front hole and back hole respectively, some of us say vagina, clit, pussy, cunt, it’s seriously all personal preference. Some trans women like to call their penis their clit. I think it’s a good idea to ask OOCly about this, and if you’re wondering whether your muse should ask in a thread or something, ask the mun that too! It’s better to ask instead of use the wrong thing, as the wrong terms may cause dysphoria and discomfort in some people.  Please ask this question as it’s important and people don’t ask this enough.

Remy is fine with most terminology if it is not being used in a degrading or fetishizing manner. It does not upset him to use the words vagina, pussy, etc. and likewise he’s happy to hear that you want to suck his dick. This isn’t universal. Not all my trans muses use the same terminology.

15. Is he comfortable with vaginal penetration? Because he has a vagina, is that preferable? (John Mulaney voice: WOULD THAT BE GOOD FOR YOU?)

Just because you have a vagina doesn’t mean you necessarily only want to use that. Straight cis women sometimes have a preference for butt stuff; it’s just a matter of preference. Some trans men don’t like it at all because they don’t and/or it makes them dysphoric. Some trans men love it and prefer it.

Yes, most days he is fine with vaginal penetration if it’s on the table. Some days he isn’t, but in general he’s okay with it and enjoys it as a manner of sex. Not all my trans muses are like this.

16. I’ve been on Pornhub a lot and we all know that’s a super inclusive place to get our information, so because he’s trans he’s a bottom, right? That means bottom?

It really doesn’t. Again, this is sexual preference and has nothing to do with gender identity. Unfortunately porn tends to fetishize trans people, that’s just what happens. As a trans person who previously dabbled in sex work, I promise you, it does happen. (As a side note: if you ever use the phrase ‘bonus hole boy’ in front of me I will block you instantly. I hate nothing more than that.)

Remy is a service switch. He’s happy to top or bottom, give or receive, dom or sub; some trans people may have strict preferences just like cis people. 

Thanks for reading! I appreciate you. If you’d like to leave a tip and support my getting through daily life and hopefully saving for top surgery, my Ko-Fi is here. I hope this was helpful, and if you have any further questions please do feel free to contact me!

[the-mira-life-project-mtf]

STEP ONE IS DONE (My MtF HRT Journey)

     HOW IT ALL BEGAN...

     Back in November of 2017, I made the decision to begin HRT after researching my fate if I began hormone therapy. It was a frightening moment as I sat in my car in a Walmart parking lot in Port Orchard (far away from my family) listening to the pounding rain as I held the phone in my hand. I was scared, I did not what to expect. ‘Was I doing this because of a fad, or a runaway LGBT movement? Was I doing this because since I was a child, I was fascinated with gender transformation...dysphoric due to my non-matching appearance.’

     Just dial the number! Get it over with!

     I punched the numbers...all 10 of them...and hovered my index over send. I closed my eyes as I let the rain carry me away and with a tap, the number was dialed and the phone was ringing. There was no turning back now! I placed the phone to my ear and waited...my throat tighter then a Gatorade bottle-cap on a hot summer day. The line was answered and this was where my story began...almost...

     I called at the wrong time...Cedar River Clinics was not taking any more patients and the wait list was open in February...I would have to wait another 4 months. I wrestled with my fears as the days fell away and February came and the days came and gone. I wondered: ‘Could this be a sign that it was never meant to be?’ There was only one way to find out...but I could not find the courage to go through it all again.

     Hospitalization isolated me from the world and I spent many hours debating and going over the pros and cons. Devising psychology tests to see if my desires were based either on body dysphoria, gender dysphoria or sexual dysphoria...and it was all of the above. I made a gamble with myself that if I was discharged from the hospital...I would not call, if I was admitted for another day...then I would call. It was up to fate.

     With the word that I was going to be in the hospital for another five days...it was all the signs I needed. I dialed the number again and spoke with the receptionist on the other end as I was put on the books to be assessed...but not til May of 2018...another 4 months!

     MTF HRT AT CEDAR RIVERS~TACOMA...

     To say the least...it did not go well. I was so over prepared and the doctor (Dr. Marsh) was assessing me as an candidate for HRT...we did not get along!

     Dr. Herrington was the second to assess me and we got along quite well as I chose to take the long way. Everything oral at the lowest dose possible. At the time, I had chosen a Gender Nonconforming title that over time would morph into a Gender Fluid title as I became comfortable with my transforming body.

     For two months...nothing happened...well, except that my libido went first, which I was okay with. I was becoming discouraged as I continued to swallow my pills daily. Then, in June of 2018...my breasts began aching and hurting as I entered a budding stage. It was actually happening! I was changing!

     Over time, I played this back-and-forth game with my HRT, hospitalization would stop the therapy and I become depressed. I begin and have to deal with the pain of changing...it is surprising that I did not become clinically depressed!

     With another visit with Dr. Marsh (she seemed in a better mood this time), my therapy continued with the changing of estradiol patches to estradiol pills. This would be the last time I would see her as my care was shifted to an awesome doctor named Dr. Khattar. It was a welcome relief as I began opening up to him about my mental image of the anima I named ‘Mira’.

     By the time it was October of 2018, I desired a more drastic transformation, to appear almost female...as if I was now transgender. I despised my male appearance and wanted the female appearance I thought of since I was seven years old.

     By November, my health began to take a nose-dive and I was concerned that the therapy was affecting my CF and asthma. I spoke with Dr. Khattar about it, but he did not know of any medical reason to be concerned and dismissed the concern. Again, in January...I brought it up again...as I was popping in-and-out of hospitals like a gofer in the ground. By March of 2019...he became somewhat concerned about the rapid lung disease...but did not have the skills to assess the situation. I asked back in January if it would be appropriate to seek a doctor who specializes in transgender health and he said yes.

     Only problem...finding a PCP who specializes in Transgender Care is like Abraham seeking that one righteous soul in Sodom and Gomorrah...it is almost impossible.

     SEEKING A TRANSGENDER PCP CARE DOCTOR...

     I began searching the web for transgender ‘friendly’ doctors (as I was certain my own PCP isn’t transgender friendly...and I did not want to put our relationship in a bad place by asking) and found...nothing! Widening my search, I finally found a program that was tailored to transgender care...

     This was a godsend as this was what I needed to find...I also looked at the UW’s transgender program...but it was useless in my search for a local provider. And their web browser was...discombobulated. It would seem that only Virginia Mason was the only provider that offered medical services and I was thinking: ‘If I do consider ‘surgical’ modifications...this might be a good start’ as my only other option was:

      Oregon Health & Science University has a pretty comprehensive program like Virginia Mason; except that they also perform SRS surgery (which is still forbidden here in Washington); and if I wish to follow this path to correction, there services would be needed...only problem, OHSU is almost 400 miles away! So, it was Virginia Mason...Step One...

     As I began to research in the services and providers, I was enlightened, but confused: It seemed they offered facial plastic surgery (which was considered), primary care with a PCP, voice feminization, breast augmentation, orchiectomy and even laser hair removal (which I need for the face). There services were far beyond the reach of Cedar River and having their services would open further transformation.

     Now came the hardest part...finding a doctor. I have pretty good insurance, but medicare will only get you so far. Then, there is the possibility that they are out of network. Or they don’t take Medicare. The possibilities for error were endless. I narrowed my search to the closest clinic to me: Bainbridge Island Clinic. Yes, it was almost 1 hour away...it was better then going all the way to Seattle or Kirkland! So this narrowed the field of candidates down to two:

     So the first candidate was Dr. Tomberg. His ratings were good; 4.9 out of 5 with 262 patients rating. His background states that his specialties are in  Family Medicine, Primary Care, Pediatrics, Preventive Medicine and Transgender Health.

     The second candidate was Dr. Worth. Her ratings were also good; 4.9 out of 5 with 261 patients rating. Her background states that her specialties are in  Family Medicine, Primary Care, Pediatrics, Preventive Medicine and Transgender Health...just like Dr. Tomberg...they were almost identical!

     With all my research completed (and even using this path in my fictional story ‘SRS- A Realistic Transgender Transformation’) (https://mtfhrtnonconformadvocate.tumblr.com/post/181005815302/srs-a-realistic-transgender-transformation-part), I was greatly hesitant to seek further care as I always thought I could manage my HRT on my own. But with female traits coming in...I thought long term:

     SRS to finalize my transformation?

     What about mammograms?

     Hormone balancing?

     Trans-woman problems?

     The more I considered the possibilities, that more clear it became...I needed a transgender friendly doctor who could manage, maintain and further my care. The only problem...I had to call...

     MAKING THAT CALL...

     On March 23 2019; I finally made the decision to call Virginia Mason and see if I can be seen. I spent much of the morning telling myself I was going to call, even wrote a blog-post about calling...but I did not put the plan into action until 3:40pm. I sat in my room, here at my second home, debating my call and tired of the stress I was causing myself, I took my phone and was ready to call. I however stopped as I found an excuse not to call...I needed my insurance card. That was in my car and I thought it would be symbolic to call while in the same car...except, things changed!

     As I pulled out my insurance card and selected my phone, my adopted father, Mitch pulled into the driveway and parked. I was hoping to make this call alone, as I knew how Mitch felt about his gay son, and turned off my phone. Talking for a few minutes, I returned back to my room and sat on my bed and toiled over my phone. I took my tablet and computer and pulled up Virginia Mason’s web-page and swallowed my fear as I selected Dr. Worth’s number on my phone.

     If it was possible, I wanted to be seen by Dr. Worth. As a transgender male-to-female, I do not want another guy messing around with me...it just does not make me feel comfortable.Even my relationship with Dr. Khattar is stressed...just because he is a male...and I don’t feel right talking about sexuality, breasts, feminization with him. Would I be comfortable with a woman? Well, I was pretty open with Dr. Herrington and on the second round, even Dr. Marsh! It was like woman-to-woman speaking, if that makes sense. Would I share this same relationship with Dr. Worth...I do not know.

     With the phone ringing, I get an automated answering machine that gives me two options: Call to schedule or call to refer. Pressing the number 1, I am patched to the Bainbridge Island Clinic as I introduce myself. At the moment, I wonder: ‘Do I use my legal name or my transgender name?’ Considering billing and insurance purposes, I choose my legal name, knowing I can always add ‘Mira’ once the insurance is sorted out.

     As the words: Regarding Transgender Services slipped from my lips, I could not believe who easy they came out...no hesitation...I have certainly changed! The receptionist was very polite as she took my name, birthday, address and then asked...

     “Which gender do you go by?”

     “Ah...” I stammered as I thought of the label “...I prefer gender nonconforming...” which was wrong as I am closer to being gender fluid and even simply just transgender now. This seemed to be the key word as I gently guided the conversation.

     “Would you be okay seeing a PA or MD?”

     “MD would be preferable, but if seeing a PA means getting in sooner, that would work, just think seeing a MD would be sensible considering my condition.”

     “Would you prefer a male or female?”

     Well, I did not want to be sexist and say male, and I did not want to seem like an exhibitionist and say female...I stated clearly. “Female...I was hoping to be seen by Dr. Worth if possible...”

     “Ah...” there is a pause as she looks for a slot “...Doctor Worth isn’t seeing any new patients...”

     “I checked your website, my choices are between Dr. Tomberg and Dr. Worth, so my choices are kinda...limited, being transgender and seeking a transgender friendly physician.”

     That must have worked as she stated, “Well, she is accepting only new transgender patients...I need to give the Transgender Department a call, can I put on hold?” I agreed as there was still hope. If I took the PA, I would have landed an appointment on April 22nd, with the doctor, I expect no earlier then May, as most physicians only book 3 months in advance. “Sorry for the delay; so I passed on your information and they will be giving you a call on Monday to schedule an appointment, after Dr. Worth’s staff have a moment to review your request...”

     What does that even mean? I take the news as one step closer...Monday is only three days away! I agree to the terms and when I hang up, I can’t believe I did it. I called Virginia Mason, (in the book I went to Bainbridge in person) and might get to see Dr. Worth...we will see...

[i-want-to-be-manhandled]

more trans ramblings (tramblings?) - to T or not to T, that is the question

so i’m writing this so i have some thoughts to show my therapist next week instead of scouring my brain for them but im posting it on the internet instead of keeping it in a word document or some shit cause i need some of y’all to relate and i’m already way too personal on here anyways. and also at this point this is my personal blog too, i’ve given up entirely on keeping it just for video games. tl;dr: please tell me i am not the only one with stupid amounts of doubt going against the stupid amounts of evidence that i am very transgender. 

tw: long post, doubts, testosterone/hrt effects discussed in detail, (don’t read this if you know me irl and haven’t personally talked with me about being trans? otherwise go ahead), nsfw cause we’re talking about genitals but mostly towards the end of the second to last paragraph (i’ll strike the nsfw stuff), mention of rape but no discussion of it happening, lemme know if i missed anything

so as my last transpost said im very excited for my hysto that im nowhere near getting but im flip-flopping as to whether or not i want to go on t. i know i can get it fairly quickly if i decide i do want it. there’s a trans health clinic in walking distance from where i am moving in 23 days, i have 3 therapists who will write me a letter of recommendation for testosterone, and my mother even found me the trans health clinic so she’ll try to find me somewhere else to go if they don’t take me in for some reason. (having a supportive mom is great i don’t miss her crying about how hard it is to have a trans kid in january and february.) and i’ve looked thoroughly at the effects of testosterone and have sorted them into pros, neutrals, and cons. (posting it here again mostly bc i need to do it but i also need some of yall to relate and/or validate me and/or answer my weird questions)

pros:

voice drop. im so tired of having a squeaky voice which is exacerbated by me always being anxious, and my sister has a deeper voice than me and always tries to sing ridiculously low parts to stretch it for some reason which makes me feel insecure. and apparently my voice is “always squeaky” according to my dad and like? shit man i pass until i talk that’s just the tea. 

i dont even care if i have a super deep voice, i actually think i’d rather be a solid tenor because that’s the vocal range of most of my favorite songs, but i want to sound like a man when i talk and not an 8 year old girl

side note apparently a lot of trans guys have male “internal voices” but mine just sounds like how i sound when i talk because i’m a very literal person and that’s why it took me forever to figure out i was trans and not having a male internal voice makes me dysphoric sometimes and even doubt that i’m trans at all... that’s dumb af i know it’s just my literal personality type not me actually being a girl

more muscle. i dont work out as it is right now but if i knew i’d see results the way i want them then i probably would. also im getting ripped during the school year anyways bc i walk everywhere with a 15-20 pound backpack strapped to me so i’m at least gonna look semi muscular which is what i want anyways. please give me strength quite literally i can barely lift bro

bottom growth. ik it’s still not going to be ~enough~ or whatever but i’d have... something? that would be nice. 

side note would packers start to be uncomfortable with something there bc i wonder about that sometimes. not that mine is super uncomfortable now or anything (i just haven’t figured out how to make it sit right) but i wonder about that

NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS

if im one of those guys whose periods dont stop on t i am actually going to perform a hysto on myself

fat shifting from hips, thighs and butt to my stomach. i don’t care if i have stomach chub or not, but i DO care that my hips are Like That and my things are Really Girly and i have a fucking Girl Butt TM like please just let me Not Have These Problems

having a more angular face. doesn’t happen to everyone per se but because of my facial structure as it is and also what my dad looked like when he was my age, i probably will get this change. i have actively wished for this since i was 13 and didn’t even know dysphoria was a word. hopefully it makes my lips a little thinner too or at least more masculine.

veins becoming more prominent. i have this one pic of me where it looks like i have Guy Arms and i just wanna look like that all the time ya know

lookin like a dude and passing? that counts right

neutrals:

facial hair. i know a lot of trans guys want this but i’ve never wanted one. i just want a jawline to cut a bitch tbh i’m never having more than stubble except the beard imma wear to my high school reunion

body hair. this is more of a pro-neutral ig bc i want it on my arms and legs but would prefer not to have a lot on my chest and stomach. fortunately i dont think my dad has a whole lot but i’m a pretty hairy afab person as it is i just dont wanna be a werewolf lmao

hair loss at temples. i just don’t care about my hairline enough for this to really bother me. maybe i will when it happens but *shrug*

scents of sweat/bo/urine changing? idk i feel like it will be weird, maybe gross if it turns out bad but honestly i don’t really care what i smell like as long as i don’t smell like a dumpster fire? i shower it’s fine lmao

rougher skin? i dont know if i’d like having rougher skin but i also dont like being an uwu soft boi so

acne. nobody wants it but like... i already have stress-acne right now and don’t really give a shit because i hate how my face looks anyways. not that i want a fuckton of acne because nobody does but im not gonna cry myself to sleep over it ya feel? it’s an annoyance but not really a con

cons:

increase in sex drive. not to be nsfw but masturbating is a chore as it is. it hasn’t been fun since i realized i had crippling bottom dysphoria and even then i can’t get off unless i’m completely distracted from my body (either through porn or being too tired to care). also i have like a 2% chance of ever having a partner so i really dont wanna have to deal with having the sex drive of a 12 year old boy when im 19, single, depressed, and dysphoric. im not even asexual but this is the worst con

emotional changes. yall know at this point i dont have the best temper, and i dont want t to exacerbate that. now, some of my friends have said that t has made them much calmer and actually less irritable, but the rest of my friends said t makes them angry. i have poor anger management and i know it. i don’t need it made worse. it’ll fuck my life up for real

increase in appetite. listen i have gastritis, ibs and acid reflux i cannot afford to be needing to eat more than i currently do

so as yall can see i have a fair number of all 3: 8 pros, 6 neutrals, and 3 cons. and what’s more, all of the cons are things that don’t have anything to do with my appearance (which my therapist and i noticed during our session a couple weeks ago and really made me think i should go on t). so then the answer should be clear: i should go on t, right? deal with having a fucked high sex drive and be pissed off because of it but finally be able to see my reflection in the mirror. so it should be obvious. what the hell am i waiting for?

the main reason i’m hesitant is i’m afraid i’ll want to detransition. even though i KNOW it rarely happens and the women who do thought they were trans because of unaddressed traumas relating to being female or have a personality disorder. i have neither of those things: the only female-related trauma i have is being slut shamed by my mom for wearing tank tops and any shirt that wasn’t a crew neck and one guy saying he’d rape me in 9th grade because he thought rape and sex were the same thing (for his sake i hope he’s grown the fuck up!! i’m not traumatized from this i just made my teacher not let him sit next to me in class and told him to stop talking to me. sadly this is the most sexual attention i’ve ever gotten), and the only mental illnesses i have are depression and anxiety (unless we’re counting dysphoria, which i definitely have). i also sometimes feel like i discovered it too late: i didn’t say “i’m not a girl” until i was 14, refused to explore my gender until i was 17, and didn’t fully accept i was trans until i was 18. and other dumb shit: i never tried to pee standing up so im not really trans even though i didn’t know what a penis was until i was like 9, ive caught myself twice recently wishing for longer hair which made me feel feminine and gross and dysphoric (even though i know hair length =/= gender??), and im not in danger of suicide if i don’t get testosterone and top surgery RiGhT nOw. the prospect of me detransitioning isn’t likely, when you look at all the facts, but the prospect makes me anxious because everything makes me anxious. i am the poster boy for anxiety. and yes, i know i would have said that even when i accepted that i was technically the poster girl but i would have said poster boy anyways because it was “gender neutral” and didn’t rub me the wrong way like poster girl would have. same reason i insisted on being a dude instead of dudette and only described myself with words that didn’t have a female equivalent in french class even if it wasn’t true. so what the hell am i waiting for.

like i know i shouldn’t be doubting at this point because it’s so, so obvious that i’m trans. just because i didn’t try to pee standing up when i was little or ask why i didn’t have a penis doesn’t mean i’m not a guy. i logically know this. like when i was 11 and i insisted to myself i had a male brain but knew i shouldn’t say that out loud because that was weird and i wanted to be a normal girl who didn’t have a weird male brain, and when i was 7 and at my friend sarah’s house and her room was super pink and girly and i literally thought the sentence “is this what i’m supposed to be like?” and when i was 14 and cut my hair into the Typical Queer Girl Pixie Cut and my hair was just??? gone like i wanted it to be when i was 9 and ended up with a bowl cut instead, and instead of looking in the mirror and thinking i looked like an owl when i was 9 i smiled at how “androgynous” (masculine) i looked, and when i was 11 and only hung out with boys at summer camp and they treated me like one of them and the girls were really mean to me but it was the best summer i’d ever had, and when i was 15 and my friend chris joked that i was the “guy” in my lesbian relationship and i was so fucking happy, and when i was 15 and starving myself because i loved my “angular” figure and jaw,  and when i was 16 and wearing a dress to winter formal because my ex met me in one and i wanted to be cute for him but i picked the dress that looked like a suit because it looked very “queer” (masculine), and when i was 14 and literally went “hmmm im gonna bind my chest just because i wanna know what it would look like” and it made me so euphoric and i knew in that instant i wasn’t a girl but repressed it for 3+ years because dealing with it would just be too hard, and when i was 11 and knew it was going to be my last day going to school without a bra on and just being so ashamed even though i wanted breasts so i’d be a normal girl, and when i was 16 and wearing that backwards snapback all the time and my friend said it was what tops did and i was so happy that nobody would consider me a bottom or whatever stupid shit because i couldn’t imagine myself being penetrated ever in my cisgender gay life, and when i was 16-17 and scouring the lesbian section of pornhub for pov/strap-on videos bc i wanted to know what it would look like to fuck a girl with a dick without watching straight porn because i’m 100% a gay female because the word lesbian is too girly im not a trans guy or anything haha, and when i was 14-and-onwards wondering why it felt so empty between my legs and why it felt like i was supposed to have a dick lmao im totally a girl though haha, and when i was 15 and had to google how to masturbate bc i couldn’t figure it out naturally and still felt like i was doing it wrong, and when i was 15 and looked at my vagina in the pocket mirror i got from selling like 30 boxes of girl scout cookies in 2007 and my first thought was “that is not my body,” and when i was 16 and actually very upset that i couldn’t ejaculate when i orgasmed. trans who? what the fucking hell am i waiting for

seriously. i was 7 and looking at my 2nd grade yearbook photo thinking “that doesn’t look like me,” and i was 13 and looking in the mirror saying “that doesn’t look like me,” and i went through all of my adolescence waiting for “puberty to turn me into a girl” and then i was 17 and done with puberty and crying because my body was still wrong. i can’t believe how hard i tried throughout my whole adolescence to be some facet of “normal girl” so i wouldn’t get bullied and be dateless forever and thinking “puberty hasn’t turned me into a girl yet” and not stopping to think about what i was if i wasn’t a girl until puberty was done, i realized it wasn’t going to happen, and it was too damn late for me. now i’m 19 and don’t leave the house without either a binder or a sports bra/baggy layers combo and i’d wear my packer everywhere if i could figure out how to get it to sit right (and also get it past my parents lmao).  like if anyone else rattled off that list of trans shit i wouldn’t question them for a second. but because it’s me and i’m like “what if i’m transwashing my memories? what if i’m gaslighting myself?” i’m still not on testosterone and please validate me. tell me other trans people doubt themselves, no matter how obvious it is that they’re trans. tell me it’s okay to doubt hrt, even though you know it will be so much more likely to help you. tell me it’s okay to be afraid of detransitioning, even though it’s okay if i DO decide to detransition and it’s so unlikely anyways considering all the evidence of Me Not Being A Fucking Girl.

if you read this all the way to the end here’s an awkward hug and some brain bleach im not even drunk or high i can’t even blame substances for this behavior 

[queerascat]

Hi! I just found out about your blog, and I'd like to ask you something. I'm part of the LGBT community, and next year I'm going to study a Japanese Philology at the university. Would you mind telling me some basic LGBT vocabulary in Japanese? Just so I can understand and talk a bit about it, please ♡ (I'm a trans boy, and pansexual btw :3)

oh also! (sorry i forgot to write it in the other ask) Do you know anything about getting hormones (testosterone, in my case) in Japan? Is it easy? Just in case, because I’d like to have a job/live there in a future, at least for some time

hi. :) sorry for taking so long to get to your asks.

regarding LGBT terminology in Japanese, it’s a little hard to answer that question because it’s so broad…. so instead, i’m going to really keep it basic and i’m going to cheat by directing you to others’ stuff.

this site has a very basic list of terminology… in fact it’s a bit too basic and leaves out some important information, imho. for example, while there is a bit of caution here and there about using certain words that are considered derogatory, it neglects to mention that many lesbians consider レズ (”rezu”) to be derogatory and such that word should not be used. stick to the commonly used ビアン (”bian”) or レズビアン (”rezubian”) instead. also, オネエ (”onee”) has a similar (but still different) trajectory as a derogatory word as is explained under オカマ (”okama”) and while you will probably hear people say it both offline and on TV, i very much recommend that you don’t. same goes for the far less commonly used equivalent for trans men, オナベ (”onabe”); don’t use it. better to just say FtM (very commonly used in Japan) or トランス男性 (”toransu dansei”) / トランスジェンダーの男性 (”toransujendaa no dansei”) for ‘trans man’. also note that “pansexual” is パンセクシャル (”pansekusharu”) or 全性愛者 (”zenseiaisha”).

will also throw out there that you may find other relevant or useful terminology / information about being LGBT in Japan on my new page #LGBTQIA in Japan.

as for getting HRT (more specifically T) in Japan, if you’d be starting it in Japan rather than continuing a current prescription and / or if you’d be pursuing it with “F” as your legal gender marker, it’s not as easy to get it in Japan as it is in some countries, but it is still obtainable. how hard it’ll be for you to get it very much depends on where in Japan you live– countryside, small town vs major city, for example. there are also two different paths to getting HRT that will very much effect how easy or difficult it is to get T.

option 1: the legal, “official” way

in Japan, you cannot legally receive HRT without being diagnosed with GID (Gender Identity Disorder). to be diagnosed with GID, you have to go to 6 months of therapy with a licensed psychotherapist– the vast majority of which do not speak English and have a very conservative mindset when it comes to gender and gender roles that they often expect trans people to fulfill in order to “really” be trans…. there are certainly good therapists out there, but finding one who also speaks English and has the certification necessary to actually ‘diagnose’ you can be hard even in a big city like Tokyo. once you get the diagnosis, however, you then pay a largish sum of money for an official document that you can then take to a Gender Clinic or other medical facility to have blood tests done and get T administered as a shot usually every two weeks by a professional. patches are unavailable and i’ve heard that they will not let you administer the shot yourself, so if you live far from a clinic that has T you’ll have to travel to get it.

option 2: the illegal, but easier way

all of the above– the need for a GID diagnosis, having to travel to get injections, etc– still apply, but there are a few clinics (usually found in major cities) that will give you HRT based solely on consent. they will give you a document (probably entirely in Japanese) to sign, releasing them of responsibility should something bad happen, and they will maybe, maybe not do a blood test before giving you the injection of T. as said above, it is illegal for them to do it this way and they are still flirting with the law by doing so, but on the plus side clinics that do operate in this way usually do so because they are aware of how fucked up Japan’s GID requirement is and are more aware of practices in trans healthcare outside of Japan. i’ve also found that such clinics are more likely to be accepting of non-binary / Xジェンダー and other trans people who do not necessarily fulfill traditional gender roles.

most foreigners that i know opt for option 2 for various reasons, not the least of which being that option 1 isn’t even really an accessible option if you don’t speak Japanese reasonably well. ah, and i should mention that no insurance, national or private, will cover HRT (either estrogen or T), although insurance will often cover therapy sessions.

anyway, sorry for the tl;dr response, but i hope that some of this is helpful. if you (or anyone else) have other questions, feel free to ask and / or check out #LGBTQIA in Japan.

edit: forgot to mention option 3!

[sapphicscholar]

So I thought about this other way Winn and Alex would come out but it's kinda angst I guess. It's just doctors are transphobic at least at some degree and gatekeeping is horrible in the medical community and they won't give you access or revoke access to treatments if they think you're not trans enough for their liking. And Alex knows that, she's used to play her part, to look aggressively feminine. She's wearing a dress and painted her nails pink for God's sake. But apparently (...)

(Cont.) that’s not enough this time bc her doc is a homophobic asshole who thinks real women should be with men and Alex let slip she’s engaged to a woman and the guy refuses to renew her hrt prescription. So she leaves the place furious and she’s still seething mad when she arrives at the deo. Ofc people asks her what’s wrong and she starts yelling incoherent stuffs. Well it doesn’t make sense to anyone who’s not trans anyway. But Winn is and understand so he tries to calm her but she breaks down. With the help of J'onn and Vasquez he leads her to a more private room and let her cry it out while Vasquez calls Kara and Maggie. Thankfully J'onn manages to figure out what happened between what she yelled and what he picked from her deafening thoughts and assures Alex that he will clear it with Dr. Hamilton so that she can get hormones through the deo. And of course it ends with lots and lots of hugs from every one.

This is poignant and moving and angsty af (at least with a more happy ending), but how could you give me this many feelings this early in the morning?? I was not built to handle emotions like these! And now my gf’s a little annoyed because I gently shook her awake so that she could share in these feelings with me. 

But still: 1) agreed about how the medical community really fucking sucking on LGBTQ issues, especially for trans folks and even more so for non-wealthy trans folks who can’t afford the specialists who’ve actually undergone training to be able to help in the right ways. It makes me so happy to talk to some of the folks on this site (who I won’t call out bc I don’t need to be that embarrassing proud mom who’s like LOOK AT WHAT MY KIDS ARE DOING, SHARON!!) who are in med school or just out of med school and are making concerted efforts to read and take extra courses that aren’t required (and sometimes aren’t even offered) just to make sure they’ll do right by all of the communities they serve.

2) Of course Winn would know what she’s upset about and would be able to get her away from the crowds with J’onn and Vasquez so that she can break down without it being in front of all of her agents. And you know J’onn would feel a little guilty about listening in to her thoughts but when they’re this loud, it’s really hard not to, and at least then he can work on finding solutions (thank god for Dr. Hamilton) so that she doesn’t have to go through that bullshit again.

Now I need to go reread TheBodyBioelectric’s Teachable Moments to see trans!Alex being treated the with all of the love and respect she deserves, though I’m still searching for some fluff if anyone’s got recommendations (or I could do that GRE Subject Test prep…)

[stylesbicon]

ok now that my Longest Panic Attack of 2017 (my meds already wore off today because i worked early...) is over let me fill y’all in, in case anyone saw those posts i made and deleted and got concerned:

last National Coming Out Day (exactly a year ago today actually) i came out to the world as genderqueer and it went a little bit not good

right after that i figured out surprise! ive been a man this whole time! (everything made more sense) and so i’ve been planning for a while to come out as trans on this year’s National Coming Out Day

the big reason Im doing this is because I NEED to start T and start planning top surgery because my quality of life is so terrible and the reason I’ve been putting it off is because I know my family wouldn’t approve

But who cares what my family thinks (i care)

I have to come out in 4 days now and I’m scared but I know myself and if I don’t do it then I might never do it and I honestly don’t think I can survive until next year if I don’t start HRT

What I’m most nervous about is that I live at home still because surprise costs keep coming up to push back my ability to move out- the current estimate is I’ll be able to leave in about 4 months if I’m lucky

I’m not positive, but I don’t think I’ll get kicked out by coming out- but it is sure that an unsupportive and (i hate to say it but) emotionally abusive home life will get even worse with the pushback

I have had the nastiest most transphobic things said to me here already and I’m not even officially out yet. I’ve had terrible conversations with my mother about gender in the past. But as horrible as my family can be, I depend on them and love them and can’t lose them

tl;dr I have to come out in 4 days and I know for a fact it won’t go well but I basically have to do it either way so I’m lowkey freaking out

[the-astral-clocktower]

do all the questions !!

All the questions? Sure, why not? Insomnia is making me its bitch anyway1: How did you choose your name?- originally I was gonna go with Lilith from Borderlands 2 because yes please to her entire aesthetic, but I decided to go with the more "normal person" name Maria. Partly because of the lead singer of In This Moment, Maria Brink (absolutely gorgeous, phenomenal singer, and the Black Widow album helped inspire me to live true to myself), and Lady Maria from Bloodborne (she's got a Tragic Backstory, feel disconnected from family due to traditions/ environment, and has regrets about who sent was). All in all, one is a person I admire to be like and the other feels like I'm looking in a mirror. Both are also women with blonde hair and I think I look damn good as a blonde2: What gives you the most dysphoria? -Facial/ body hair3: Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria?- Most of the time, physical dysphoria. Social dysphoria still gets to me because I'm not out to my family and everyone in that group refer to me with childhood nicknames/ my "(grand) son/ nephew." 4: What do you do to perform self-care when you’re feeling dysphoric?- Shower, shave, lie in bed and dissociate while playing mindless games on my phone 5: What was the first time you suspected you were transgender?- this is actually a hard one for me to answer. I was (in a weird/ sad reality) really sheltered as a kid, in the sense that I didn't even know transgender people were a thing until High School. I think part of it started when I began playing runescape in middle school; I chose a female avatar and went with a generic female name whenever someone in game asked for it. For some reason, I really enjoyed being addressed like that but chocked it up to being like 12. Similar thoughts came up again in HS when I was told on several occasions and by several people that I'd make a pretty girl; again, I took it as a compliment and it made me feel really good about myself. Other times were also when I was asked "what would you do if you suddenly woke up as a girl?" my answer was usually "go back to sleep and go try on cute clothes" and also being super jealous of girls at school dances (wanting to wear the gorgeous dresses/ heels/ makeup)6:When did you realize you were transgender?- January of 2014, when I had read on Tumblr about Leelah Alcorn. It was extremely depressing to read her letter and diary entries about her personal life; while reading everything, I kept realizing that I felt almost exactly the same way she did, and by extension that I was also trans7: What is your favorite part of being transgender?- just being able to feel comfortable in my own skin, and also getting to wear all the cute shit I wanted to in HS8: How would you explain your gender identity to others?- the people I have come out to, I simply as them not to use he/him pronouns because I outright don't identify as such. It's pretty simple9: How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? Or what happened when you were outed?- at first, I only told people when we were able to talk 1 on 1. As I've gotten more comfortable with my identity, I gladly come out to people that I'm comfortable around. I still need to come out at work which I'm avoiding for 2 reasons. The first is that I don't know how open-minded/ accepting my coworkers/ boss are; the second being that I want to get on hormones so that there's no turning back on what I say and how I feel10: What have your experiences with packing or wearing breast forms been?- haven't done anything with breast forms yet, probably gonna be uncomfortable though 11: What are your experiences with binding or tucking?- tucking is a hassle in general. It either falls apart quickly, or I ended up sitting down or walking wrong and hurting myself. 12: Do you pass?- I highly doubt it atm13: What (if any) steps do you want to take to medically transition?- optimally I want the full 9 yards. Hrt, permanent hair removal, SRS, and possibly feminizing facial surgery 14: How long have you been out?- I'd say close to 3 years15: What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set?- only he/him and that's due to being oblivious for so long16: Have you ever experienced transphobia?- yes. A lot of internalized transphobia; but there have been a few times where someone will show me something they find funny, and it turns out to be in extremely poor taste17: What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public?- I prefer gender neutral bathrooms, so I ended up holding it in for longer than I should18: How does your family feel about your trans identity?- don't know for sure, but probably gonna get disowned to some degree19: Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth?- I don't plan on being 100% stealth, but I'm also not going to hide anything out of fear. Kinda like Don't Ask Don't Tell, I'll answer truthfully, but I won't go out of my way to explain it all20: What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans?- "you know those weird thoughts to get from being addressed as a girl and the happy butterflies in your gut? Roll with it, tell someone that you want to see a Dr about it. Be prepared for a ton of BS, it'll be worth it in the end. Stay strong, kid"21: Why do you use the pronouns you use?- mix of "why should I be addressed by something that makes me feel like shit?" and "fuck off with this binary shit"22: Do your neurodivergencies affect your gender?- maybe, I think my gender compounded the divergences that were already there 23: What’s your biggest trans-related fear?- safety. So many trans people are attacked and killed that it makes me hesitant to even bother. But I'm known for being stubborn and having a devil may care attitude 24: What medical, social, or personal steps have you already taken to start your transition?- I've come out to 90% of my friends and I've got a therapist that's willing to write me a letter of recommendation to get me started on HRT. I'm currently looking for a DR in the North Tx area anyone knows one25: What do you wish cis people understood?- gender identity =/ sexual orientation 26: What impact has being trans affected your life?- it's made me rethink how I view issues in the world, but also more cynical 27: What do you do to validate yourself?- look at my ugly mug and the mirror after a hot shower and say "you're a boss and bitch, don't let up now"28: How do you feel about trans representation in media?- we need significantly more accurate portrayals29: Who is your favorite trans celebrity?- off the top of my head, I only know of Laverne Cox, so she's #1 by default 30: Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most?- Leelah Acorn, the tragedy of her death allowed me to realize why I was so miserable for so long 31: How are you involved with the trans community, IRL or online?- not much, if at all. I'm not super big on communities but that's only due to trust and self image issues 32: How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?- hopefully full femme made and keeping NB/ trans femme33: What trans issue are you most passionate about?- my mind is 100% here ATM because it's 4am, so I can't think of anything other than wanting HRT to be more accessible to people instead of having to jump through hoops 34: What advice would you give to other trans people, or what message would you like to share with them?- safety first, pride in oneself second35: How do you feel your gender interacts with your race, disability, class, weight, etc. from the perspective of intersectionality?- I personally don't think it does but that's only because I'm a white person in the 20s36: What, if any, is the difference between your gender identity and your gender expression?- none at all37: Do you feel more masculine, feminine, or neither?- fem/ neither 38: What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it?- only interested in women and NB people. In my head, I like the theory of being with a guy, but feel no sexual attraction to them39: Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference?- no preference40: How did/do you manage waiting to transition?- think to myself "next paycheck, I'm gonna find a Dr and get this train moving"41: What is the place (blog, website, forum, IRL space) you get most of your info on being trans or on trans related things?- google, tumblr and reddit42f Do you interact with other trans people IRL?- got a friend that I used to work with at pizza hit who's a trans guy. You know who you are ^.^43: Are you involved in any trans-related activism?- not really, but I do want to get involved

[trans-gothic]

Transition Diary: Day 94 (pt. 1, Day 92)

Okay, so let’s start with a thorough recap of Day 92, when I had my first 3 month follow-up and med adjustment for my HRT. To start with, I have a scab just below my mouth right now from nicking myself shaving. It’s kinda large. I had this worry that the doctor would see it, go “oh you have herpes, you’re just a slut, you don’t get anymore HRT.” So that was my big fear. Now onto the day itself. I went down and picked up my friend and coworker, Kathy (to be clear she is both friend and coworker, I am not referring to multiple people). I got to her place later than I intended, and was worried that I was going to be late to the station (I was intending to get to the train station at noon). I just ignored that though (since I had given myself an hour of wiggle room for things to go wrong), blasted some Against Me! and David Bowie and drove on down to the station. We ended up parking at exactly noon, From there, well, let me turn it over to the notes that Kathy took (possibly to help her with her nervousness?), slightly reorganized into chronological order:

“11:00 ARR at Kathy’s House

-took Blue line from Wardlow to Grand

-No $ owed :p (Editor’s Note: When I asked if I should pay as I checked in at the clinic, I was told that I didn’t have to, since I was still covered under the 3 months of coverage from my last payment, but that this was the last day I would be covered)

-1:22 - Fiona Called into DR’s ofc / BP TaKen (Note: before we got into the clinic, Kathy had never referred to me as she or Fiona, because she didn’t want to slip up and accidentally out me at work, but when we got there she was referring to me as such, even to the girl a chair or two over who seemed like she was there for her first HRT appointment and was kinda nervous. It really made me happy hearing her refer to me as Fiona/she. It was awesome)

-[redacted] (Note: this is where Kathy took note of what my weight was, which was far higher than I want, and even a few pounds higher than what my bathroom scale at home says)

-Ghostrider playing on screen (Note: the waiting room has a TV where they play movies)

-2:15 - Fiona Called into ofc

-> (turn page over)

-2:43 wtg nervously in the wg Room for Him Her - She was hyped enough to post on TumblR - I am taking 1/2 xanax and I’m a nervous Wreck-

-She rtnd at 2:55 upping Estradiol to 6mg from 4. Called Again - at receptionist

-Next Appt is Thursday, October 5th at 2:00 pm

-3:05 - wtg for Blood to Be drawn

-3:10 emily on heR way

-3:15 Emily Arrives”

Thank you for recording that Kathy <3

Okay, it kind of cuts off there because Kathy pretended to be too sleepy to take part in the conversation or anything while I chatted with Emily for like an hour. It was so much fun, but I was so self-conscious due to my crush on Emily (and I was worried that she would see my scab and think it was herpes and decide that I’m just a whore; I worry about these things). But yes, it was lovely. After like an hour, Emily suggested that I go ask about my blood draw, so I went and asked the girl at the counter about it. She said that I actually didn’t need to have my blood taken this time. That was a relief because I do not get along well with syringes. After that, I just waited for my pills. I hugged Emily on my way out (we had this conversation about hugs the other day and how we were both kinda wanting to go in for a hug after the dim sum lunch, but were too awkward to initiate it).

On our way back to the train station, Kathy started crying and told me “I’m going to miss (CURRENT LEGAL NAME). I know I’ll love Fiona too, but I’m still going to miss (CURRENT LEGAL NAME).” I hugged her and told her I understood. We had a moment and moved on.

After we got back to the Wardlow station, we drove out to Anaheim so that I could do some shopping at Blackcraft. It was my first trip to their new store (three doors down from where the old store was). It was as amazing as it always is. Blackcraft is pretty much, like, if someone took the inside of my head and made it into a store. It is my a e s t h e t i c. I bought myself three more shirts, a pin and a mug. Also, Blackcraft is the first place that I ever used the name Fiona in public, when I signed their guestbook. So Kathy and I looked through the guestbook to find my old signature, and then I signed it again with a note next to it marking how many days into my transition I am. I went to Blackcraft after my first appointment too. It’s part of it for me, I guess.

After that, we went down to Fountain Valley to grab dinner at Shin-Sen-Gumi Hakata Ramen, my favorite ramen joint. I hadn’t been to Shin since my birthday (August 17th) last year, when I went to the one in Little Tokyo with my family. I like the Fountain Valley one a little more. I order mine: hard noodles, thick oil, strong broth, add wontons, no chashu, add garlic chips, add hard-boiled egg, add bamboo. It was so fucking good. I ended up ordering extra noodles after I finished my first round. God I love Shin-Sen-Gumi. One day I will visit their yakitori place right next door.

We talked a lot over dinner, including a lot about my gender shit. It was such a nice meal.

After dinner we tried to head out to the Irvine Spectum so that I could pick up the TokiDoki Iron Maiden shirts, but we got there just after closing for the shops, while the restaurants were still open. We sat under the Ferris wheel and just talked for a long while. It was great.

Then we went to the Tebo Tebo Tea Lounge and got the chocolate box toast, I got a Sour Power slush (green apple and passion fruit flavors). After dessert, I dropped Kathy back off at her mom’s place.

After that I listened to the newest Knifepoint Horror episode and bought a fabric tapemeasure so that I could give the measurements you can see in the actual Day 92 episode.

I went to bed early that night.

I have said in the past that I wish I had transitioned earlier so that I could enjoy “being young.” That there was some sort of not-quite-quanitfiable experience I had missed out on. But, like, this was it. This was the sort of day that I had always wanted but never experienced.

It was perfect <3

[pinky-rose]

Hrt cw

I wanted tiny boobs 4 quite a while but like now I think I might want boobs that are actually proportionate to my body like idk I love the way tiny boobs look on most trans girls but most trans girls aren't fat and like idk what to do w/ my body or what to want really bc there are so few ppl with bodies similar to mine for me to look at. Soon I'll change to a proper endo who will prescribe proper HRT (like bio identical Estradiol + progesterone instead of progynova + androcur) and like I'll have more progress faster and understand what's happening more. His waiting list is apparently rough but I'm getting the referral this week and hopefully in the meantime I can start progesterone. Probably just in pills not injections bc my dr isn't a proper endo and doesn't know that much. But still ok I guess. Anyway I feel weird and stressed bc I have my first laser session on my tummy this week and I have such bad dysphoria about it. B4 I had laser on my chest but I got to cover my tummy with a towel. But now I'm getting face + chest + tummy. Which is great but I'm going to die from dysphoria I hate my stomach my fat distribution there is so masculine and gross I don't even let friends touch it. Going to be weird

[chthonicavalon]

It’s a couple weeks before Transgender Awareness Week, so I’m preempting it a bit.  However, I’m going through a little crisis of faith, so to speak, so I’m hoping I can relieve some of my anxieties by speaking aloud about it.  There’s some brutal, personal details here, some hard honesty that’s making me tear up a little as I write it, so if anyone here doesn’t want a downer of a page or doesn’t want to know me on a deeply personal level, skip this.  Also, it’s long and there isn’t a tl;dr version at the end.

Lately, I’ve been having some doubts about going through with my transition.  I’m still eight months away from my planned start date, so I have some time, but the thought of beginning HRT is scaring me.  This is life altering in a very real way, and I only have about three months from the start date to take that step back.  I’m frightened, in a very real way, that I might be making a mistake.

I suppose a part of the reason I’m second guessing myself - though only part, since I’ve been having anxieties since June - and why the anxiety is so bad today is because I read something last night.  It was a list of commonalities between AMAB trans-lesbians who didn’t realize they were lesbians.  I only had a few of the items on the list, since I suppose a great many of trans-lesbians end up trying to date guys, or they think they’re gay initially.  I’ve never really had this experience.  I’ve question my sexuality, but, after long thought and some experimentation, I came to the understanding that I’m just not into men.  Hell, I don’t even like men in porn.  I can appreciate a man in an aesthetic sense - and in some cases, I can feel an attraction, but I’m mostly only attracted to women.  If we go by the kinsey scale, I rate as a firm 6 (taking this under the understanding that I’m a woman).  Reading that list rattled my cage a little.  I didn’t understand why I was so different.  I now understand the list wasn’t meant for me, that I determined my sexuality before I came to the realization that I was trans, but it still shook me up.

And that bring me to the second part of why I’ve got the self-doubt machine going right now: I’ve never been officially diagnosed.  When I visit my counselors, I walk in saying I’m trans.  They never told me.  No diagnosis, no consultation, no asking why I felt that way.  I’m trans, this is it.  I know there’s no definitive test, but gods, I’d love one right now, just to set my mind at east, give me some direction.  

I didn’t begin life thinking I was a woman.  My earliest experiences were trying on my mother’s bra in the closet, only to be found by my dad and told off.  I wasn’t even five years old.  On my first day of preschool, I immediately ran toward the little kid’s toys, like the house and the dolls to go along with it, rather than the kids toys.  I was told that boys and kids my age don’t play with toys like that.  I was always into swords and combat and action.  When the concept of the romantic ideal of chivalry was introduced in second grade, I was entranced.  I knew this idealized knighthood was who I wanted to be.  So I took on that persona, let it become me.  But, innately, I knew that I should treat boys and girls the same way.  Courtesy and respect mattered, even then, and while I have my faults and failings, I have honestly, always tried to maintain this idea.  Only much later did I learn what chivalry actually was, and that sometimes girls wanted to be knights and fight like the boys, too.  Thank you Brienne of Tarth for showing me the light, there, in true form.

As I grew and became much more aware of my body, I began to think I was deformed, that I didn’t match the other boys.  My earliest health class set the record straight, that I was just like all the others, but I didn’t feel right.  That feeling of deformity continued, even though gym classes and locker room showers cemented that I was just like them.  “Maybe it’s because I’m fat,” I told myself.  When I lost the weight after high school and the feeling didn’t go away, I didn’t understand, why.  It’s not like it was all encompassing.  Some days, I’d look in the mirror and I’d be fine.  Other times, I’d be struck by how odd I felt.  Even then, I was keenly aware of my own body and how it didn’t feel right.

It didn’t really hit me until I’d graduated college that I might be trans.  I’d been playing female characters in MMOs for some time by that point, all under the excuse that it was a “social experiment” and that I just “liked having something nice to look at while I played.”  I was married by this point and had been with the same woman for six years.  Due to unrelated circumstances I’d rather not go into, we’d separated.  I was living with friends.  Late at night one weekend, we were talking about life, the economy, social contracts, LGBTQIA+ issues, etc. (because that’s what we did on a Saturday night), and we decided to try some cross dressing.  Only two of us really went along with it, my friend Barb and I, and, luckily, we could both manage to find something in our wardrobes the other could wear.  I tried on her skirt that night, and that’s when the first pangs of “understanding” hit me.  It took me another year to bring myself to marginally accept the possibility - internalized transphobia’s a bitch.  I thought I was bigender for a while, but as I began to come out online to my friends, I just started using the word “transgender.”  By accident, I’d found some friends who were questioning themselves, and by my coming out, they themselves found the courage to also come out online.  However, none of us took the steps in our daily life to live that way.  I began to become more keenly aware of my body, that feeling of deformity.

I came out to my wife about 4 years ago.  She hasn’t been the most supportive.  My mother was next, just list year.  I was terrified, but she told me yesterday that she’ll support whatever makes me happy.

That’s the problem, though.  I’m anxious, worried that the two things I am diagnosed with, the depression and anxiety, are corrupting what I’m feeling.  What if I’m so depressed and anxious about my current living situation, something I’m not happy with at all, is creating this idea that I’m trans as a potential way out?  What if my mind is inventing the idea that I’m a woman caught in the wrong body as a rationale for why I’m so depressed in the first place?

I try to keep in mind the button question and the relief I feel when I find the time to be that more authentic self (which comes after a sense of revulsion that fades after about ten minutes) when I’m having issues like this.  There are times, like now, though, that I could use something more concrete, something that will help me shed the doubts.

I’m lucky I have the support I do.  My friends online have all been greatly supportive, more than I deserve, and I hope to have more of my family come around eventually.  I know I will experience quite a lot of loss in the coming years should I proceed with transitioning, but as one of my greatest supporters and confidants has told me, everyone since Stonewall has had to sacrifice to be who they want to be.  I’m no different in this regard, and if transitioning is a way to be who I think I feel I am, than I’ll do it.  I just want to be sure first.

I’m not sure I explained everything sensibly, or even if anyone will read this.  I hope someone will.  I suppose, in a sense, this is a call for aid, that maybe another’s insight might help.  Feel free to message me.

[thepdvblog]

Dandelion - Chapter 2: Daffodil Bouquet

Dandelion Directory

Previous Chapter / Next Chapter

Summary: She gives him a bouquet of daffodils before they drive off, telling him these are his favourite flowers and that he now needs to move on. Isn’t this the meaning of daffodils? I think you once told me that when you picked them as your symbol or something.

Notes: I should precise beforehand this story (just like all my original work) is set in an alternative France where technology and society are more advanced than their IRL counterparts. This is why Florian has access this early to hormone blockers and hormones, when this story is set in anno domini 2003 for the moment.

AO3 version available here.

Finding a name to refer to himself is a life changer. Roxanne calls him “Flo”, Juliette, who is still struggling coming to terms with this but is trying her hardest, calls him insists on “Florian” because she is still not used to it. And yet, she gives him some advice to look more masculine, basing herself off things she has seen among male soccer players: how to make his voice sound lower, how to present as confident and self-assured when he truly isn’t, somehow provides him with brand-new male clothing and underwear he could not have wished for more.

Juliette once told me, when visiting me in this hospital years later, that her mother was a cashier at a local Carrefour, and that she could easily access unsold products that way. Barely legal, but I doubt much of my early transition was condoned by most of societal conventions.

 Mrs Flamand tells him, during a session where she finally realizes this has been illegal all along, that she will only give him the green light for the next step once he is an adult in the eyes of the law. This makes Florian realize a few things, starting with what legally being an adult is going to allow him to do. He will finally be able to change his name to the eye of the world, go on what seems to be a dangerous therapy, stop being himself only around Roxanne and Juliette, stop being “Catherine” around the teachers and the classmates who know he is supposed to be a girl.

Florian makes a third friend who does understand who he is, but he is an online buddy. He lives in the south of the country, kilometres upon kilometres away from Colombes, living under the Mediterranean heat, near the Rhône’s delta. Their friendship is unlikely, considering this friend is already in college, yet feels natural: Lilian is trying to understand his little sister, Florian is just trying to get his voice somewhere where he won’t be targeted by the crude remarks of people reminding him, “you looked better when you weren’t pretending to be a boy”.

 Yet, anxiety remains in his veins. The more his birthday nears closer, Roxanne swearing to buy him the best she can for this important occasion, Lilian thinking of a thousand ideas for a drawn present, the worst it gets. His dysphoria is rushing him to finally take the goddamn hormones before it threatens the remainder of his mental health, so he focuses on books and flowers to pass the time until it gets better.

He remembers an old thing his eighth-grade Literature teacher said once during a class, that there are birth month flowers just like there are birthstones, albeit there is no universal version of it. Searching in the local library on a free Wednesday afternoon where he does not feel like going back “home”, he finds out his assigned flower would either be a narcissus or a daffodil. The latter resonates so much, once he looks into the symbolism behind it: new beginnings, unrequited love, respect. The daffodil quickly becomes his personal symbol, the flower he likes to draw on science lessons instead of actually listening.

It is every time he goes home from school that he remembers why there is still so much fear inside his heart. He is not afraid of the decision to start HRT: it only feels like the next step on his journey. However, he is terrified of the reactions he will get when he will have to eventually come clean about it, about the fact he is a he and not a she, about how his parents are going to disown him quicker than lightning. Considering their rampant racism and internalized classicism, there is no way they will accept their daughter to actually be a son.

Phrased like that, I almost sound like I’ve once enjoyed being born to them.

 Even then, Florian presses on. He has no time to lose worrying about his parents’ reaction when he can spend said time researching where to live in case the worst happens and he gets kicked out from home. He has no real way to gain money until he is out of high school, but he still tries: he applies for holiday jobs for the Easter and summer breaks, he sells some old belongings like most of his female clothes, he still abuses of his parents’ lack of concern and constant arguing to steal a few bucks every week after school. All flats he could possibly get in at the last minute are too expensive for him to afford until his first jobs, so Roxanne finds a solution of him: he can live in an abandoned flat the owner, a man living in Calais named Norbert Leeht, has forgotten he was still paying for.

When she brings him there for the first time, he discovers why someone that guy has forgotten they he was paying for it until it was rented: it is incredibly small, just enough for one person with a ridiculously tiny bathroom and barely any other furniture than a bed that was left there years ago and a small kitchen. It is still much better than he expected to get: at least, he does not have to pay for anything not additional furniture or food.

 The premise being this eerily advantageous, Florian looks more into it and into its owner. Norbert Leeht is known online for his abandoned flats people love to occupy illegally when in a pinch, flats he has forgotten he owned and had not rented, too busy counting the amounts of money he gets from villas he actually cares about. In order to receive his mail properly, he decides to make his address Roxanne’s, the easiest option he has considering this flat will never have his name on it.

Furnishing the flat is harder than he wishes it was. He needs to move most of his room’s furniture without being spotted by his parents, for which the ideal time is on Wednesday afternoons where his father is at work and where his mother is out shopping for groceries. Roxanne, Juliette and he always strike around his time and, soon enough, only the bed and a dresser he plans on replacing anyway are out of there. After a while, the flat feels more like home than his supposed house has ever done. Everything is in place for the final revelation.

 On March 20th, 2003, a warm Thursday where spring is just around the corner, he decides to let his plans finally play out, hoping for the best like the young and optimistic boy he has been ever since seeing things go forward. His therapist hands him out a strange box after his session of the week. Upon opening it, he sees a small recipient and a syringe. He does not need to read the label on the former to have a smile invade his face and his eyes tear up.

“I figured you’d be mature enough to handle these by yourself, Florian,” she tells him as she looks at the box. “And since I know you’re rather shaky on your finances, I’ve paid you the first dose and the syringe with it. You told me you didn’t mind needles, right? I can provide you with pills if you do.”

His voice catches up in his throat, and even he wants to be a man and not cry, his thankfulness eventually explodes.

“I… Thank you so much, I… I don’t know what to say…”

 Dr Flamand then spends some time explaining him how to inject himself, and even if his fingers are shaking around the syringe as if it could break under his touch, it feels like the best piece of news in the latest year. It is finally in his hands, the way to break away from womanhood even more, to provide his body with what he is missing: his facial hair, a lower voice, a better repartition of his body fat.

Of course, he does not go blind into hormone reassignment surgery. He has researched its symptoms, asked high-school science major Juliette if she can clear up things, eventually blesses Lilian for being a medical student in an internship. He knows he will look very… teenage-y for a while, with a lowering voice, potential skin issues, possible hair loss, a risk to get excessive body fat he does not really want. After all, he is wearing a binder to hide his chest, no need for it to get bigger. And yet, he feels more than ready for it, already eyeing the syringe in desire.

I remember being terrified of this decision, when I first found out about HRT and what it was about. I kept asking to the mirror, “What if this isn’t what I am? What’s going to happen to me?”. I have to say, I regret not having started it before, even if I know I had to be mature to handle it correctly.

 Everything is set in stone in his eyes when his eighteenth birthday rolls around. It is a time of truth, his moment to come out, to tell everyone “Catherine” is dead, to welcome Florian, the one he has been all along. It is exciting, it is terrifying, like his first rush of injected testosterone, the fear of the needle and the euphoria from the hormone he has craved for years. He already thinks of all the pros and cons of coming out, having studied the matter for the past months and having talked about it with Roxanne and Juliette for days on end. He prepares himself for school, gazes into the mirror wishing for facial hair to come soon, puts on his needed outfit and heads to school, both terrified and ecstatic.

I’d define myself as a careful and prudent man, but it wasn’t the same when I was a boy. It’s difficult to see what discrimination you are about to face when it’s invisible to most people due to how rare this all is.

 For the first time ever, Roxanne and Juliette call him out by his real name instead of “Cat” as they are used to around his class. They help the anxious, now tetanized boy to ask his homeroom teacher, the Literature one, if he can make an important announcement. Of course, this makes the old lady be suspicious, but she accepts nonetheless, and he mentally prepares himself to break Catherine’s shell once and for all, never to be seen again, so ready to reject her for the last time and never look back on it. Looking at his entire class, all there for once, taking his proudest stance despite the sheer terror stacking in his throat, he takes one deep breath in, one out, and stares at everyone though his clear, “enticing” irises.

I remember by heart what I said on that day, fifteen years later.

 Everyone, listen. It’ll sound weird, I know, but I’ve never been a girl. I’m a boy, a boy in a girl’s body. It’s a rare case, a mental disorder if you want to call it that. Please, even if you don’t believe it…

Don’t call me Catherine.

Call me Florian.

 The surprise it drops onto everyone’s shoulders is mind-blowing. Most of them stare at each other, bewildered, and the fear rises inside his chest at an alarming rate. Roxanne is not in his class, and so is Juliette, so he is all alone in a class who barely knows him anyway. Some start to laugh, others seem to remember some sex education lessons provided by Planned Parenthood during their earlier school years, or by that one Biology class from last year, and in the end he is torn between people not taking him seriously and others trying to understand. The teacher stares at him, at loss for words, so she gulps and just politely, almost quietly, tells him “please take your seat again, Ca…” and she stops herself.

Acceptance does not come easily after this announcement. The mockeries start even more, saying he is just “playing pretend” and “a tomboy who takes it too far”. The jokes are common and start almost immediately, but some classmates really show empathy and a will to understand, so it is all fine. Well, the mockery does remind him of the risks he has read about online all that time and how dysphoric they all are, but it is nothing compared to the last straw.

His parents.

 For the first time in years, Florian goes up to his parents as he wants to be, rather than what they would have him rather be so they would have no more issues.

It may sound strange to the outside ears, but I was an undesired child. They were just against getting an abortion for me and too uneducated to know they could put me elsewhere, although I have to give them kudos for trying to raise me and always feeding me. I suppose routine and familial allocations helped me being more helpful than they had expected.

In fact, he almost shows it heavily on purpose, binder on, hair freshly cut by Roxanne’s sister Solange, dressed in all dark blues and men’s apparel, in a spirit of provocation and spite he did not think he had before this day and preparing it for it. His heart still tries to break out of his ribcage, smashing itself against the bones in his chest, but he keeps it together and mans up.

 The reaction he gets from them as soon as he says “Mom, dad, I’m a boy” is baffling at best. They stare at him, asking him why he is saying that, how it is “just a phase” and how “he’ll see that he’s gonna know he’s a girl soon again”.

What a joke.

Florian arguments back, pulls together all the ideas and explanations he has ever done, while not even hoping to get their approval. It seems counterproductive, he knows how this is all going to play out. He has nothing to lose, so he puts between his parents and him the paper officially diagnosing him with gender dysphoria, another with all the actions he has taken to “fix” the issue. The eyes of his father shoot through his irises, rage burning in that stare, barking following.

 “You’re no daughter of mine.”

“And I’m no girl,” he replies.

“Fuck off, get out of here, you fuckin’ crossdressing fuck!”

“I guessed you’d ask me to do just that.”

“Why did you tell us then?!” his mother asks him through tears he can tell are fake, the way to bribe her way out of divorce threats.

“Because I’m no dishonest man. I waited for this day for so long.”

“Fuck off.”

“Farewell.”

 Taking the remainder of his bedroom’s things, Florian sets off, leaving nothing behind him but a few unsold girly clothes and a rotting flower which died before seeing spring come back. Roxanne is waiting for him outside, a warm smile and welcoming arms he still loves despite the split-up. Despite how ready he felt he was before, tears come to his eyes and he abandons himself in his best friend’s embrace.

Eighteen-year old me would have liked to know how painful being rejected by your own family can be painful, even if you know the end result isn’t going to be pretty.

 Roxanne invites him to come in her car, saying she would drive him back home, putting the last of his belongings into the chest of the vehicle. She lied: minutes later, she tells him she is paying him a good dinner in a not-so-expensive restaurant, “because he deserves only good things when he’s been that brave with this”.

She gives him a bouquet of daffodils before they drive off, telling him these are his favourite flowers and that he now needs to move on. Isn’t this the meaning of daffodils? I think you once told me that when you picked them as your symbol or something.

“Thank you so much” escapes in a sob from his mouth before he takes off his glasses and wipes them with his arms. To all the preparation he has made for this day, and to all the better days to come.

[eachdubh]

Surgery

I’ve begun taking about surgeries recently, and it’s brought up some questions and concerns from family and friends. The first one I want to address is my identity. I’m going to make a little summary at the top of each one for those of you who don’t want to read it all.

TL;DR: yes, I still identify as gender fluid, yes I still prefer neutral terms and male pronouns, and yes, all male terms are still ok. So, I’ve been asked a number of times now if having surgery means I’m “fully” transitioning, if it means I actually identify as male, etc. The answer is more complicated than a simple yes or no. And what answer I give may depend on who’s asking, why I think they’re asking, the context of the question, and how much I feel like going into a lengthy explanation. When strangers are talking to me about being transgender, I’m much more likely to refer to myself as a trans man, use all male terminology, and generally talk about my transition in a binary fashion. When I’m trying to talk about my transition simply, I’m also more likely to talk about my transition in a binary way. However, I still think of myself in a not-quite-binary way. The best I can do to describe succinctly is “mostly male”. Which, okay, I get it if it’s easier for you to think of me as “all male”, but if you do that and try to tell me that “x behavior isn’t very masculine,” I’m likely to point out that I don’t identify as entirely masculine. I identify as a non-binary gender, and that is the same whether I’m taking about changing my body or not. I don’t identify myself as a woman, so it makes sense (to me anyway) to not want female parts. I do identify as man-like, so it makes sense (to me) to want male parts.

TL;DR: yes, I want top surgery. I don’t know when yet, I don’t know much about risks or recovery, as I have yet to talk to my doctor about it. Okay, so my wanting top surgery isn’t new. I hate my breasts, hate their size, how they get in the way, how they look. I didn’t talk much about it before I came out, because surgery is scary, but after coming out I’m beginning to realize just how much of a problem they’re posing for me. Since I can’t bind, because it causes excruciating pain due to my other back problems, my breasts pose a huge problem for me. I don’t “pass”. I’m addressed as female, which is very psychologically difficult for me. And there’s the personal relationship I have with them, as well, which is, well, not great. I’m still somewhat torn between just a reduction, or what’s referred to as “chest masculinization.” If it’s a reduction, I’ll drop down to an A. But the idea of possibly still having trouble socially makes me lean toward having them off entirely. The main reason to keep any boob at all would be that I wouldn’t need nipple reconstruction if I do. I’ll have to discuss my options with my doctor, and it may take some time before I come to a form decision. Don’t worry, I’m not rushing this! Besides, even if I get to talk to her about this surgery at my very next visit, it will probably be at least two months before I can get another appointment, nevermind having surgery scheduled, etc. Even once I have decided, it’s likely to be months before I can have any surgery.

TL;DR: yes, I’m thinking about starting hormone therapy after all. I still need to do research and talk to my doctor. This is tied to the next item. Okay, Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) is kind of a hard one for me. Actually harder than top surgery. I don’t want to have to take hormones for the rest of my life, and if I want to do HRT that’s what’s it would mean. Literally, taking hormones for the rest of my life, no matter what. For this reason alone, I have resisted the idea of taking hormones. Some recent revelations about my health have tipped the scales, however. I probably have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, and even if I don’t I am almost certain to develop hypothyroidism anyway. The ONLY treatment for hypothyroidism/Hashi’s is to take synthetic thyroid hormones. For the rest of your life once it becomes necessary. If I’m already going to be taking hormones for the rest of my life, several of my concerns about HRT are basically moot. That brings us to the pros of HRT, which are that it will lower my voice, alter where I carry fat and how I build muscle (making my body appear more masculine), and allow me to grow more body hair. It will also have an important effect on my sexual organs, which I will talk more about in the next bit. Those are compelling, so it’s now an option on the table. Of course, I still need to talk to my doctor about possible health risks, how HRT will interaction with my other medications, etc. The final decision is yet to be made, but I am tentatively saying that I want HRT.

TL;DR: yes, I’m taking about the possibility of bottom surgery. No, not immediately. It will be AT LEAST two years after starting HRT before I’ll want to actually have the surgery. Breathe. Relax. It’s okay. This is future planning, this is not something I can or will do right now. Some doctors require only eight months before scheduling the kind of surgery I want, but I intend to wait two years, minimum. I want what’s called a centurion metoidioplasty, and I’ll be happy to explain as much as I know about the procedure to you if you ask, but I won’t bore you with the details right now. I’m actually really excited about the existence of this procedure. What is relevant is that a meta requires time on HRT before the procedure, because it uses existing body parts to shape the penis and ballsac, and those body parts will change with time on HRT. I’ve done a fair amount of research, though I’ll probably continue to do more as time goes on, and I’m certain that this procedure is the best option for me. I have already decided that I want to have it done, but I know that my insurance won’t pay for it, and there aren’t currently very many surgeons who even perform this particular procedure. So… Two years on HRT, plus however much time before I can save up enough to travel to a surgeon and pay for the procedure. Trust me, this is not hasty, and it’s not happening any time soon. I’ll have plenty of time to think about it, and so will you.

TL;DR: yes, I’m probably going to have a hysterectomy/oophorectomy. No, I haven’t talked to my doctor about it yet. If I start HRT, it will be in a large part because I want the metoidioplasty, so having a hysterectomy makes a great deal of sense to me as something to coincide with HRT. I need to discuss this with my doctor, find out what risks there are, what I’ll need to be aware of. Like top surgery, this probably isn’t realistically happening for several months, at the earliest. It’s a much more invasive surgery than top surgery, but also a very, very common procedure. That helps me deal with my fears about surgery a little. So will talking to my doctor, I hope.

So for those of you who are afraid I’m jumping into things too fast, please let me reassure you that none of this is happening tomorrow. Probably nothing will even be begun for several months. For sure some of it will even wait a couple of years. You’ll have time to adjust, and I’ll have time to consider my options and make final decisions. I’m not going to go into anything uninformed, and I’ll be happy to share any knowledge or insights I have about all of these things now and in the future. You have but to ask!