every few weeks or so i invent an emotion i call The Antibiotic Scaries. it has nothing to do with future resistance/superbugs/scarcity etc etc im talking an entirely retrospective take on existential terror where i stare at my clenched knuckles and think about how the forties were so FUCKING RECENT how did we SURVIVE
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THE PRECARIOUS WORLD
How *not* to lose? It is impossible not to. The world is balanced on the edge of a knife. It’s a game of frayed nerves. You’re pushed on by numbers and punitive measures: pain, rejection, and unpaid bills. You can either play or you can crawl under a boat and waste away -- turn into salt or a flock of seagulls. Your enemies would *love* that. Or you can fight. The only way to load the dice is to keep on fighting.
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So, you want to get together and create a family with kids running around the house?
Sorry baby girl, but with the amount of microplastics in my balls the best i can do is to impregnate you with a couple of bionicle.
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God Created Man in His Own Image
So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.
— Genesis 1:27 | Revised Standard Version (RSV)
Revised Standard Version of the Bible, copyright © 1946, 1952, and 1971 the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. All rights reserved.
Cross References: Genesis 5:1; Genesis 9:6; Matthew 19:4; Mark 10:6; 1 Corinthians 11:7; Ephesians 4:24; Colossians 3:10
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Very much experiencing disability/chronic illness as a tightening spiral at the moment and not loving it. Like, trying to gently expand your activity, the circle is briefly larger, you have a larger radius of living outside your home, then you cross an invisible line and fatigue and pain get worse.
You still have chores to do outside your house but more local, so the radius is smaller again but you're still going out and doing things, just fewer and less regularly.
But because you've already overdrawn your capability, pain and fatigue aren't getting any better, and any overstepping of that ever-tightening radius means it gets smaller again.
Then you're staying home and trying to rest, walking in the garden and the radius is smaller but you're outside and still moving, but it still hurts and you're still exhausted and it's still not letting up!
It's harder to sleep and harder to move until I'm just circling within my house, then mainly just within a chair, trying to get comfortable.
Then after a while, something breaks, it's a relief and you can push outwards again and start to do more, always being careful and wishing you could be carefree with fewer consequences, but more free than you were!
On one hand it's not all inevitable but on the other hand it feels like I can't do enough to truly affect it! I will continue to try to keep gently expanding and weathering the contracting, but I don't love the cycle.
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Barbarism is the natural state of mankind. Civilization is unnatural. It is a whim of circumstance. And barbarism must always ultimately triumph.
Robert E. Howard
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Unstoppable force (getting so caught up in shit I forget everything else exists for the next 5 hours) vs immovable object (my chronic illness demanding I eat every 3 hours and never do anything for longer than 30 minutes at the time)
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