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oliverreedmasterass · 2 months

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Starcatchers 1x4 - Fate of the Faithful

Synopsis: It's media day for the GVF guys! What could go wrong? (everything) Danny struggles to hold back the truth, Jake takes advice from a higher up, and Sam and Josh can't stop saying the wrong thing. Their manager has never been more stressed.

Words: 5.8k

Warnings: mentions of physical harm (brief), caffeine addiction, Keith Richards

Notes: Thank you, as always, to @feelslikejakey for the original concept, and @jmkho for literally writing the ending for me because my writer's block was so unbelievably bad AND making the incredible title/gif!! 🫶🫶🫶

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Jake, Josh, and Sam are in an old-fashioned diner, eating breakfast and sipping on tall mugs of black coffee. Sam sets down his fork with a clatter and leans closer to his brothers so he can conspire.

SAM: Something’s different with Daniel.

JAKE: (raising an eyebrow, mouth full of bacon) How so?

SAM: It’s like he’s more gullible or something. Usually he’s the most headstrong one in the band, but I’ve been messing with him a lot more recently, and he’s falling for it.

JOSH: You might be onto something, I convinced him that Genovia is a real country yesterday and he didn’t even Google it to double check.

JAKE: I can’t see that happening. I bet he’s the one screwing with you both.

SAM: No, trust me, watch this.

Danny comes back to the table from the bathroom, wiping his wet hands on his jeans.

DANNY: Some guy was styling his hair with the hand dryer. Can you believe that?

SAM: (ignoring Danny’s interesting story) Daniel, did you know that it gets so hot in the summer because the sun doubles in size between June and September?

DANNY: I guess that kind of makes sense.

Jake and Josh exchange amused looks. This is gonna be fun.

JOSH: Well, I read yesterday that pisces can read people’s minds.

DANNY: Really? That’s kind of spooky.

JAKE: The pyramids were built from the top down.

DANNY: I knew it. (beat) You guys are throwing a lot of information at me. It’s kinda making my head spin a bit. Not gonna lie, I’ve been all over the place since I stopped drinking caffeine. Like, I really can’t think straight.

SAM: (obviously not feeling bad at all) Oh no, that’s horrible!

Sam, Jake, and Josh share malicious grins. Danny is entirely oblivious.

SAM: (to the camera) I can tell this fool whatever I want.

Starcatchers Theme/Opening Titles

[acoustic theme song with a harmonica]

From the fires we emerged anew,

Singing, playing rock and roll,

Reviving a genre just for you.

Across the globe we traveled far

Recruiting an army of peace,

Enchanting crowds with our guitar.

A battle ensued at the Gardens Gate

And we preserved the gift of nature,

Standing up against a culture of hate.

We are the Starcatchers, reaching for the sky,

Discovering words of wisdom to live by.

We deliver a message from the heavens above:

Live your legend through the intelligence of love.

[end theme]

Jake, Josh, Sam, and Danny sit in their manager’s office. Danny is balancing a pen on his forehead while Sam times him with a watch that looks like it came from a Happy Meal. Jake and Josh try to focus on their manager, but it’s pretty hard with all the commotion Sam and Danny are making.

SAM: Twenty seconds away from the world record!

DANNY: Wooooo!

MANAGER: (trying to talk over Sam and Danny’s shouts) Today is a big press day. We’ve got a calendar full of interviews for you to get through. I know it’s going to be exhausting work, but we really need to start spreading the word about your upcoming single, ‘Meeting the Master.’

JOSH: We’re more than happy to talk with some kind journalists, right guys?

Danny sneezes and sends the pen flying across the room so it hits their manager square in the face.

SAM: Shoot! You were two seconds away!

Danny struggles to find a kleenex to wipe his nose, so he opts for a piece of paper sitting on the manager’s desk instead.

DANNY: Ugh, this tissue feels awful.

Danny crumples the snot-covered printer paper and discards it out the window.

MANAGER: (nodding towards Danny) What’s up with him? He’s usually the sane one.

JAKE: Caffeine withdrawals.

MANAGER: Say no more. (shudders) Been there.

JOSH: So, who do we get to chat with today? Rolling Stone? The New York Times Art and Culture columnist? Kelly Clarkson?

MANAGER: 98 Rock outside of Clearwater, Florida.

JAKE: Oh, come on.

MANAGER: And a few others. Sam and Josh, you’ll pair off and take this schedule. (hands Josh a sheet of paper) Danny, since you just blew your nose on your schedule and chucked it out the window, you and Jake are gonna have to figure things out. I don’t feel like printing another one.

Manager then slams a gavel down on his desk, making the guys jump.

MANAGER: Let’s get marketing!

The manager rushes out of the room, whooping and jumping around like he’s about to take the field for the Super Bowl. Jake, Josh, Sam, and Danny slowly follow behind him, unenthusiastically.

SAM: (falling in line with Danny) I need to tell you something.

DANNY: What’s up?

SAM: (obviously lying) I put truth serum in your water this morning at breakfast.

DANNY: Now why’d you do that?

Sam shrugs.

SAM: A guy sold it to me on the street. I wanted to see if it was the real deal or not.

Danny nods like he understands where Sam is coming from. Then he stops.

DANNY: I think you might have been scammed, Sam. It’s not like I’ve been spilling a bunch of secrets left and right.

Sam pretends to look disappointed.

SAM: There’s five bucks I’ll never get back.

Danny stops in his tracks. Sam stops with him. Danny turns to face Sam and puts his hands on his shoulders, looking deep into his eyes.

DANNY: I was the one who spread the rumor in third grade that you wore a wig.

Sam gapes at Danny.

SAM: DANIEL!

Danny looks horrified that he shared this information with Sam. His mouth hangs open in shock and, after taking in Sam’s progressively angrier face, he snaps back to life to do some major damage control.

DANNY: I don’t know why I said that, I’m so sorry, Sam. I was young then, I thought it was a funny joke, I didn’t mean for it to get out of hand.

SAM: Kids called me Mr. Clean for years, Daniel. Years. I had to grow my hair long to prove a point, but they just kept telling me that I had a nice weave.

Danny doesn’t know what to say. In a silent panic, he runs away from Sam. Sam watches him flail down the hallway and then shakes his head. As he does this, Josh retreats back to Sam’s side and places a hand on his shoulder, not noticing Danny running away.

JOSH: I was instructed to relay the message that we need to be on our best behavior today in front of the press. Management threatened to subtract twenty bucks from our upcoming paycheck every time we make ourselves look bad.

SAM: (focusing on Josh) How can they fairly keep track of that? It’s an entirely subjective thing.

JOSH: I don’t think this is something we can negotiate.

Sam shakes his head with discontent.

SAM: I can’t help that I enjoy riffing.

JOSH: I’m right there with you, bro, but it’s a challenge we’re gonna have to overcome.

Josh guides Sam past Jake, who is waiting outside a door labeled “105.4 KSCR: The Singles” where he and Danny are expected to take their first interview. Jake is pacing back and forth in front of the door, practicing his lines.

JAKE: Hi, I’m Jake Kiszka from Greta Van Fleet and I’m here to promote our new single, Meeting the Master. No, not quite it. Hey guys! This is Jake from Greta Van Fleet, spreading the word about our new single! Gross. What’s crackalackin my bros? I’m excited about my new single!

A deep and booming voice reminiscent of Samuel Pack Elliott appears from seemingly nowhere.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Become one with the essence of your being.

Jake suddenly stops in his tracks and spins in a tight circle, searching for the source of the mysterious voice.

JAKE: Huh? Dad?

MYSTERIOUS OVERHEAD VOICE: Soar above the constraints of possibility.

JAKE: Is this a prank? Because we already covered that in the pilot episode.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Your destiny lies in standing apart from the rest.

Jake’s face scrunches as he finally begins to consider what the voice is telling him. He looks back at the sign on the door. The words “The Singles” especially stand out to him, and he’s staring at the words while whispering “single” under his breath. Danny approaches Jake, looking turned around, and Jake stops whispering to himself, straightening up when he sees his bandmate.

JAKE: Daniel, I wanna fly solo with the interviews today. Why don’t you go somewhere else?

DANNY: I mean, I guess I can do that?

Danny turns back on his heel and wanders away back down the hallway, accidentally bumping into stuff left and right. He finds a door and slips into the room, leaving Jake back on his own. Jake sighs a breath of relief, like he’s off to a fresh start, and lets himself into the KSCR room.

The perspective of Jake entering the room swaps to a shot of Danny entering into a room of his own, which is entirely dark except for a single light. Danny gazes around and finally spots the interviewer, who is a woman around his age, giving him an eerie smile from the shadows. As he moves closer to her, it becomes clear that she’s using a screenshot of the Pixar lamp on her phone with the brightness turned all the way up as a substitute for an interrogation lamp.

INTERVIEWER: You’re early.

DANNY: My bandmate ditched me and told me to take some interviews on my own. I don’t like talking to people I don’t know, especially when there’s a camera around, but I am getting paid for this, so I might as well get it over with.

INTERVIEWER: Your honesty is refreshing.

DANNY: I’m so sorry, that was rude to say. I have no filter.

INTERVIEWER: Like a geriatric patient. Excellent.

DANNY: What’s with the dark room? I feel like I’m on the set of Hot Ones.

INTERVIEWER: I like my interview space free of distractions, so I can focus on only you, and you can only focus on me.

Danny points to the photo of the Pixar lamp that she’s still holding up.

DANNY: That’s pretty distracting.

INTERVIEWER: (adamant) The lamp stays.

DANNY: You’re making my spine tingle. That’s what happens when I’m around people who intimidate me.

INTERVIEWER: That’s exactly what I was going for. Now, shall we get started?

DANNY: (still evidently uncomfortable) I feel like I have to. (beat) I really hope I don’t talk about how I stole Dave Grohl’s drum sticks that one time we played at the same festival or how I used them afterwards to build a piece of IKEA furniture because I lost my hammer.

INTERVIEWER: Hold on, say that again after I start the camera.

Danny’s face pales with worry.

The interview room transitions into the room where Josh and Sam are currently on a Zoom call with a couple of cheesy DJs wearing Led Zeppelin band tees.

DJ 1: So I have written here in front of me that your band name has an interesting story behind it.

JOSH: Oh yeah, we actually came up with the name as an homage to our 3 main inspirations.

SAM: Greta Thunberg.

JOSH: Vanderpump Rules.

SAM: And Adele!

Josh flashes Sam a disappointed look.

DJ 2: How fascinating. I could have sworn I read somewhere that the name came from a town elder in your hometown of Frankenmuth.

SAM: If you knew that, then why did you ask the question?

Josh’s phone pings, he looks down at it, and immediately frowns.

JOSH: (to Sam) That’s a $20 deduction for both of us.

SAM, DANNY: Darn it!

Back in the darkened room with the interviewer, Danny is heard yelling the same thing as Sam, holding his head in his hands. The interviewer is flipping through her notes.

INTERVIEWER: So, in the past five minutes, you’ve shared your social security number, list of allergies, all of your phobias, your home address, how you’re oddly attracted to the pink Stitch, that you think you’re better at guitar than Jake, and, just now, your iCloud username and password. Can I include all of that in my article?

DANNY: (still into his hands) Please don’t.

INTERVIEWER: My interrogation - uh, I mean - my interviewing skills have really improved since I did my blood oath - I mean - my Masterclass course on journalism. I didn’t even prompt you to tell me any of that stuff. You offered it all on your own.

DANNY: (groaning) That stupid truth serum. I’m gonna kill Sam.

The interviewer is intrigued by this. She leans closer to Danny.

INTERVIEWER: Truth serum, huh? I didn’t know that stuff worked.

DANNY: Well, here’s all the evidence you need. Sam bought it off some guy on the street for, like, five bucks. It seems kinda cheap for something like that, though. I wonder if he had a coupon.

The interviewer is on her feet now, looking energized.

INTERVIEWER: Where’s Sam now? This could be my shot to finally get one of those big Hollywood hotshots to fess up to the existence of the Illuminati. It’s my time to expose those lizard people.

DANNY: I thought the lizard people and Illuminati were two separate groups?

It’s no matter, because the interviewer is already gone. Danny sighs and starts to play with the microphone that the interviewer left in front of him. Across the hallway Jake is sitting with the KSCR interviewer, a kind woman who looks like she’s got years of experience under her belt.

KSCR INTERVIEWER: It said on the call sheet that your drummer, Danny, was going to be joining us today.

JAKE: I’m flying solo today, hun. You see, Greta Van Fleet has been around for quite some time now. We’re veterans in the field, you could say, which means it’s time for us to explore new avenues. One of those avenues, as you can see, is that I get to take some interviews by myself. You know, test the waters a bit to feel what it’s like to be on my own, running the show.

KSCR INTERVIEWER: Are you implying that you’re going to leave the band?

JAKE: I’d be lying if I said the idea didn’t pique my interest. I keep seeing signs, like a higher power is pointing me in the right direction. Have you ever felt like you’ve been trapped in a cage your entire life? Don’t answer that; it’s a rhetorical question. What I crave is so much bigger than the confines of this little rock group. I want to move mountains with my song, to travel the world as a nomad, to become my own master. (without missing a beat) Speaking of which, our newest single, ‘Meeting the Master,’ will be available to stream on April 7th.

KSCR INTERVIEWER: This is frankly shocking to hear from you, Jake. A lot of people would argue that Greta Van Fleet is in their prime now. You’ve found your sound, gained your following, and are dominating the rock world. Why would you want to walk away from that?

JAKE: The loner’s path calls me.

Jake pulls a steel guitar out of nowhere and starts to play a tune that sounds similar to The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly theme. The KSCR interviewer gives Jake a blank stare. That blank stare is shared by Josh and Sam, who are sitting in a room with their manager, who looks like he’s on the brink of exploding.

MANAGER: You know how much money we’re deducting from your paychecks?

SAM: I dunno, like 17 bucks? We’ve been on our very best behavior today.

MANAGER: $10,680! Each!

Sam and JOSH both wince at his words.

MANAGER: (continued) You’ve only done three interviews. It’s like you’re trying to make yourselves look bad or something.

JOSH: It’s just our personalities, I promise. We aren’t being deliberate about this.

MANAGER: It seemed pretty deliberate when Sam screamed that he was going to strangle the next artist that used a drum machine.

SAM: That came from the heart. I thought you told us to be authentic and likable.

MANAGER: What’s likable about that?

JOSH: Sam’s statement resonated very deeply with me, personally. He has my vote. I mean, he’s the kinda guy I could sit down and drink a beer with.

Sam and Josh fist bump. Manager stares between the brothers, his eye twitching, obviously contemplating if he should rip out all of his hair in a blind rage and run through a wall. By some miracle, he swallows his strong emotions and the storm in his face disperses.

MANAGER: GQ’s up next to shoot your 10 Things I Can’t Live Without interview. Please, I beg of you, don’t blow this.

JOSH: I can’t live without Cheez-Its.

MANAGER: Perfect, be sure to say that in front of the camera.

Manager leaves the room and slams the door shut. In a match cut, Danny closes the door behind him as he enters the Buzzfeed media room.

BUZZFEED INTERVIEWER: Danny! How’s it going?

DANNY: I can’t believe I have to chat with the stinking Millennial Disney Adult Top 10 List Toxic Work Environment Buzzfeed.

BUZZFEED INTERVIEWER: Thank you? Uh, why don’t you take a seat right there, yeah, cool.

DANNY: Please, for the love of all things holy, tell me you aren’t gonna make me take one of your pointless quizzes.

Buzzfeed interviewer gives an apologetic smile as he hands over a Buzzfeed laptop.

BUZZFEED INTERVIEWER: It’s ten questions, it should go by fast. Just make sure to share commentary and, if you can, include some good sound bytes that we can use for social media.

DANNY: The only commentary I’ll have is how much your stupid quiz sucks.

Danny sighs and turns his attention to the laptop to complete the quiz, Which Greta Van Fleet Member Are You? The first question, of course, is the classic: What’s your favorite color? Danny studies the options, shuts the laptop, and gives the interviewer an exhausted look.

DANNY: I’m Daniel Wagner. I don’t have to take a quiz to tell you that. Plus anyways, there’s no way a set of ten questions could possibly define who I am as a person, and how I distinguish myself from my bandmates. I’m an excruciatingly complex man with a deep history like you’ve never seen before. You’d need 6 seasons and a movie to even nip at the tip of my iceberg, sir. (beat) I think what I’m trying to say is my favorite color is mauve, which wasn’t an option.

BUZZFEED INTERVIEWER: Now that’s what I call a sound byte!

A commotion can be heard through the wall. The camera pans over to investigate, and we learn that Jake is in the next room at a table, leaning in close to the camera with a look so intense, it’s a miracle the lens hasn’t combusted.

JAKE: (on the brink of hysterics) Do you know how many songs I wrote for our last album? Enough to make Sir Paul McCartney poop his pants! And what did my bandmates do? They looked over my songs and were like, “wow, Jake, these are really good, but I don’t see where a song called ‘Walk the Plank Me Hearties’ would fit in our album’s tracklist.” Can you believe that? Turning down a banger like ‘Walk the Plank Me Hearties’? And it had a 38 minute long guitar solo too, perfect for radio. It’s like they’re digging their own grave in real time. What a joke. What an absolute joke. See how hard I’m laughing, guys? See the tears streaming down my face, pals?

AMELIA DIMOLDENBERG: I just asked if you liked ketchup with your tendies.

Camera zooms out to show that Jake is on a Chicken Shop Date with Amanda Dimoldenberg. Jake’s face is red from his rant, and he takes a break to shove a chicken tender in his mouth.

JAKE: (somehow managing to chew really loudly on chicken tenders) Now, if you were in my shoes, you would leave the band, right?

AMELIA DIMOLDENBERG: Absolutely not.

JAKE: I don’t think this is going to work out.

Jake takes three more chicken tenders and crams them all in his mouth before standing from the table and powering towards the door. Before he leaves, he turns back to face Amelia.

JAKE: This chicken is delicious, by the way.

AMELIA: Thanks, I didn’t make it.

Jake leaves the room and hustles down the hallway, past a door where Sam and Josh are sitting with some people from NPR.

PETER SAGAL: Welcome to Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me! This is Peter Sagal, live here with a couple of members from the rock group, Greta Van Fleet.

JOSH: Hiya, Peter.

SAM: What’s hangin’, DJ Swaggin?

PETER SAGAL: As you may know, this is a show that covers current events. Now, usually when we have guest stars, we take the majority of our time to discuss your career and craft. However, a story recently broke in the news that I would love to discuss with you.

SAM: By all means. Is this about the soaring gas prices?

JOSH: War?

PETER SAGAL: Your brother, Jake.

SAM: Oh god, what did he do this time?

PETER SAGAL: Take a listen, guys.

JOSH: I’ll bet you anything he turned into Oliver Reed and started threatening the people at Apple Music again for putting that U2 album on his phone.

PETER SAGAL plays an audio clip that Jake recorded recently.

JAKE: You know what? From here on out, Greta Van Fleet is a trio for all I care. I’m breaking free, baby, just like Troy and Gabriella. I don’t need them, I’m as single as a Pringle. (beat) By the way, our new single, ‘Meeting the Master,’ is available to stream on April 7th.

Sam and Josh are having trouble hiding their shock. Sam looks to Josh for a cue, trying to figure out how he should react to this news in a way that won’t cost them more money from their paycheck. Josh clears his throat and stands from his seat.

JOSH: It’s been a pleasure speaking with you, but I need to attend a very important meeting. About, uh, drum machines.

SAM: (attempting to follow Josh’s lead) Yeah, we like to strangle people who use them.

Josh and Sam both rush out of the room. Just as quickly as they leave the NPR room, they enter the room where Jake is currently sitting with a reporter from MSNBC, for some reason.

JAKE: (to the reporter, oblivious to Sam and Josh’s recent entrance) All the greats go solo. Art Garfunkel, Michelle Williams, Liam Payne.

JOSH: Jake!

Jake turns around and stands to face his brothers. While he at first looks shocked and afraid to see them, he quickly masks his emotions with a smug smile.

JAKE: Come to negotiate keeping me in your shackles?

SAM: Dude, what’s gotten into you? You’re seriously killing the vibe.

JAKE: I got a whiff of the sweet smell of independence, boys. I’m afraid I’ve gotten hooked.

JOSH: The only thing I smell in here is your BO. And french fries. Hey wait - did you get Mickey D’s without me?

JAKE: That’s the perk of going solo.

Sam looks like he’s starting to consider leaving the band as well.

JOSH: This is insane, Jake. You can’t leave Greta Van Fleet.

The mysterious deep voice returns again. It’s apparent that only Jake can hear it.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Challenge the non-believers.

JAKE: I’ll show you insane. God just told me to challenge Josh to a duel.

SAM: (shock) Oh my god! (confusion)Oh my god? (realization) Oh my god??

JOSH: (cutting Sam off) You’ve got yourself a deal, pal.

SAM: No!

JAKE: High noon, bud.

SAM: It’s 3:07.

JOSH: It’s high noon somewhere.

SAM: I don’t think it is?

JAKE: Parking lot.

JOSH: Right.

The twins exit the room in a silent rage, leaving Sam behind with the MSNBC reporter.

SAM: So, how about that economy, huh? What are stocks and why am I so afraid of them?

The scene shifts to the parking lot, at not-really high noon. An instrumental version of ‘Fate of the Faithful’ plays in the background. Jake and Josh step into frame. Jake looks like Woody from Toy Story while Josh wears a cowboy suit with inflatable horse legs. Sam stands in the middle, dressed like a NASCAR flagman in a checkered suit, holding the starting flag up.

SAM: Please don’t make me do this!

JAKE: Wave the stinkin flag, Samuel! It’s a direct order from God!

JOSH: I bet he’ll smite you if you don’t. All that’ll be left is the memory of how annoying you were.

Sam squeezes his eyes shut in fear as he holds the flag up, and Jake and Josh curl and unfurl their fists, preparing to grab for their weapons (plastic cups filled with boba). Sam slowly starts to move the flag downwards as the instrumental music crescendos. The camera zooms into Jake and Josh’s eyes to show just how serious they are about this whole boba shootout. Sam lowers the flag in full, his eyes still shut. As the twins stick their straws in their mouths and prepare to fire the boba at one another, Danny suddenly wanders past Sam, blocking Jake and Josh from each other. Danny appears dazed and confused, and gazes around with a sleepy look on his face.

DANNY: Which interview is this? Why didn’t I get a fun costume?

JAKE: Oy! Checker boy! Move your curly friend out of the way so I can pelt my brother with these tapioca pearls!

SAM: (to Danny) Now’s really not a good time to be here, buddy. Why don’t you lay down and drink an ice water? You look awful.

DANNY: (speaking to no one in particular) I said so many things on our no-no list. But I couldn’t stop myself. The words melted from my mouth like butter fresh out of the microwave.

Jake and Josh are now standing upright, dumbfounded and trying to decipher what the heck Danny is talking about.

DANNY: (continued) They know that I used a night light until I was 16. And that Josh has an irrational fear of George Costanza. And that Jake stole one of Chicago Music Exchange’s most expensive guitars back in 2019 and blamed it on Keith Richards.

JAKE: Bollocks!

DANNY: And I can’t speak a lick of Spanish. And Sam lied about being vegetarian during the pandemic.

SAM: Oh no, my brand!

DANNY: And Josh has a crush on Dev Patel…

JOSH: I’m actually okay with that one. Maybe he’ll hit me up?

DANNY: (continued) …and a young Rasputin.

JOSH: How do you know about that!?

JAKE: Okay, change in plans. I don’t need to duel Josh anymore. Let’s circle the traitor!

JOSH: Yar!

DANNY: (continuing) That truth serum Sam gave me is seriously strong. Like, it’s kinda freaking me out how powerful the stuff is. I told a poor reporter with Spin that I haven’t had a bowel movement in 4 days and he referred me to a fiber specialist.

Jake and Josh turn to look at each other. It’s mutually understood that Danny is not the cause of this mess; Sam is. Sam has already caught onto this, as made apparent by the fact that he is already halfway across the parking lot, booking it as fast as he can from harm’s way.

A steel guitar theme plays in the background as old-timey title cards flash across the screen, reading: Samuel Francis Kiszka was forced to go through robust media training as penance for his tomfoolery and despicable interview responses. Daniel Robert Wagner was given a doppio espresso with 20 shots of espresso and 10 pumps of white mocha to cure his caffeine withdrawals. He was back to normal within seconds. As for the twins, Jacob and Joshua…

Camera shows Jake and Josh. They are sitting across from each other in the room where Josh and Sam did their GQ 10 Things I Can’t Live Without interview. A box of Cheez-Its, toe nail clippers, a trucker cap that reads I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS I’M WORSE, a ping pong paddle, and The Communist Manifesto are sprawled across the table. It can be assumed that all of Sam’s submissions were non-tangible.

JOSH: I can’t believe Sam has to go through the same media training program that Disney Channel child actors do.

JAKE: You and I both know it’s what the kid deserves.

SAM: (voice calling from down the hall) WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T THREATEN PEOPLE IN FRONT OF THE CAMERAS? THAT’S MY BIT!

Josh looks like he’s mulling over whether he should mention something or not. He starts to play with the toenail clippers, but then stops himself.

JOSH: You know how you were talking about leaving the band?

Jake seems uncomfortable that Josh is bringing this up.

JAKE: Hmm? Oh yeah, that. (beat) Between you and me, I think Sam must have slipped me some “Tendency to Learn Towards Breaking Up” serum earlier today. Man, that stuff got me good.

Now Jake is the one nervously playing with The Communist Manifesto, trying to read it upside down.

JOSH: Is any of that serum still in your system?

Jake mulls Josh’s question over.

JAKE: I think it must have cleared out. I mean, I haven’t heard from God in a hot minute.

JOSH: I am curious, what does God sound like?

JAKE: Like the most darn tootin’ cowboy you’ve ever heard in your life.

JOSH: Huh.

JAKE: It is a little strange though, I swear I’ve heard his voice before. Maybe he regularly checks in on me.

Jake shifts around a bit in his seat.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Our duty is to build trucks.

Jake jumps out of his seat with a shout.

JOSH: What?!

JAKE: He just came back to me! He said it’s our duty to build trucks?

JOSH: Are you sure he didn’t say ‘trust’?

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: It takes the new 2025 Ram 1500 to move Heaven and Earth.

JAKE: Huh?

JOSH: What is it, brother?

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Guts. Glory. Ram.

JAKE: I think God just recited a Ram Truck commercial to me.

JOSH: You said he sounds like a cowboy?

JAKE: Mmm hmm.

Josh looks at Jake closer. Although his hair is covering his ears, Josh spots something. He reaches forward, brushes Jake’s hair out of the way, grabs something, and holds an AirPod out to Jake to see.

JOSH: Do you think this was maybe where the “Voice of God” was coming from?

JAKE: Did you pull that out of my ear? I didn’t realize you knew how to do magic tricks.

Josh inserts the AirPod into his own ear and takes a pause to listen.

JOSH: Your “God” is telling me about Dairy Queen’s 2 for $5 deal right now.

JAKE: Sellout.

JOSH: You’re playing ads on your phone, dude.

Jake pulls out his phone and studies it.

JAKE: So I am. Perhaps I’m not important enough for divine intervention.

JOSH: (cautiously) You know, sometimes we apply meaning to things based on our subconscious without even realizing it.

Jake doesn’t seem to be following what Josh is hinting at. With a sigh, Josh continues.

JOSH: (continued) All of today you believed you were following the word of God. But, in actuality, I think you were doing what you wanted.

JAKE: I was doing what Ram Trucks wanted.

JOSH: Jake, I want to know if we’re okay. You know, as a band.

JAKE: Oh yeah. Saying we’re A-okay isn’t even accurate. We’re more like A+ okay.

Jake lets out a small cough, rubs his nose on the bottom of his dress shirt, hocks a loogie into Josh’s box of Cheez-Its, and stands.

JAKE: I’m gonna grab some more chicken tenders from that British lady. Those made my stomach happy.

Jake leaves the room, whistling the “Cha Cha Slide” to himself.

JOSH: (to himself) I wish I had some of Sam’s truth serum to crack into that chestnut of a brain.

The episode ends with a flashing series of national headlines that were produced as a result of the media day, like Greta Van Fleeing: Jake Kiszka on the Move? and 192 Secrets Daniel Wagner Probably Should Have Kept to Himself. The camera shifts to show that the members of Greta Van Fleet are doing more media, chatting with a couple of DJs over a Zoom call.

DJ 1: You boys really took the world by storm last week with your, let’s call it, buzzworthy press. We’re glad to have you here with us today to shed some light on what happened, and why you’re currently at the top of the news cycle for every major outlet.

DANNY: A word to the wise, don’t go off the bean.

DJ 2: Noted.

SAM: We’re so thrilled to be speaking with you both today. To answer your question, I went into the Disney Channel building and I sat down with the president of Disney Channel, and I said, ‘I wanna make history,’ and that’s what this is.

DJ 2: Not the answer we were expecting, but very informative, Samuel.

JOSH: You should congratulate him, he’s been taking his media training very seriously.

Danny takes a break from chugging his venti coffee to chime in.

DANNY: We’re a band who obviously doesn’t take ourselves too seriously. What happened last week was unprofessional, I will admit that, but it was a way to capture your attention so we can spread the word far and wide about the first single off our upcoming album, Starcatcher.

SAM: Create a playlist with ‘Meeting the Master’ on repeat and stream it. Don’t mute it! Play it at a low volume and let it play while you sleep.

DJ 1: Should we even be anticipating a new album from you guys if Jake’s so dead-set on quitting the band?

SAM: I am not contractually allowed to speak on that matter. No comment.

JAKE: That was an accident. False alarm. I was taking advice from Ram Trucks.

DJ 2: How does that happen?

JAKE: You forget to watch your back.

DJ 2: I want to steer the conversation back to Danny about a certain someone that he expressed romantic feelings for last week.

Everyone stares at Danny with concern. Danny looks mortified.

DJ 2: Anything to say about Pink Stitch?

JAKE: Oh, I bet he does.

JOSH: (to Jake) You know who has something to say about you?

Josh retrieves his phone from his pocket and opens a voice note.

VOICE OF KEITH RICHARDS: Ello, this is Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones. I have a message for a kid named Jake who screwed me over at the Chicago Music Exchange. Now, IF I SEE DAT BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP I’M GONNA BLEEP BLEEP THE GODDAMN BASEBALL BAT BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP ZEBRA CROSSING BLEEP BLEEP ICE CREAM BLEEP BLEEP FRENCH WINDOWS BLEEP -

JAKE: (trying to call over the continued voice note of Keith Richards cussing him out to no end) MEETING THE MASTER. STREAM IT NOW, STREAM IT FOREVER.

END OF EPISODE.

#greta van fleet #gvf #greta van fleet fanfiction #gvf fic #gvf fanfiction #sam kiszka #josh kiszka #danny wagner #jake kiszka #greta van fleet fanfic #greta van fleet fic #starcatchers #gvf fanfic #sorry it's been a hot second since I wrote one of these #this one's been sitting in my drafts for way too long

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oliverreedmasterass · 11 months

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Starcatchers 1x3 - Meeting the Master

Synopsis: After an incident involving Jake's amp, he's determined to win the cash to buy a replacement. Meanwhile, Josh and Danny choreograph a dance for a music video and Sam's clumsiness makes him see red.

Words: 5.9k

Warnings: violence against amps and nice video cameras, groin injury, Satan

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Jake, Josh, Sam, and Danny are sitting on the couch in Sam’s living room. Josh has the remote and is scrolling through the options on Netflix so fast, there’s no way he’s registering what he’s passing on. Beside him, Jake, Danny, and Sam are staring at him with growing frustration.

SAM: Are you gonna choose anything this century or would I be better off walking in circles in the backyard for the evening?

JOSH: Just, hold on, I haven’t seen anything that stands out yet.

DANNY: You literally skipped Happy Gilmore. What’s wrong with you?

JOSH: (under his breath) That’s not cinema.

JAKE: If you don’t choose something in the next ten seconds, I’m putting on Pirates of the Caribbean.

JOSH: (scrolling more frantically) No!

Josh panics and selects Saturday Night Fever.

SAM: (incredulously) The disco movie?!

JOSH: It’s got a good soundtrack?

Jake huffs and leaves the room as the movie starts. After the opening credits are done, he comes back with his guitar and a comically large amp. While Josh is trying to get into the movie, Danny and Sam watch Jake struggle to plug his guitar in, and then settle back into his seat. Jake begins playing the Buddy Holly riff over every line of dialogue. While Sam finds this to be hilarious, Danny is into the film alongside Josh, and glares at Jake.

DANNY: That’s not funny.

Jake looks at Danny for a long pause, not blinking, and then responds with the Buddy Holly riff.

From an exterior shot of Sam’s house, Jake’s amp is thrown through the window.

Starcatchers Theme/Opening Titles

[acoustic theme song with a harmonica]

From the fires we emerged anew,

Singing, playing rock and roll,

Reviving a genre just for you.

Across the globe we traveled far

Recruiting an army of peace,

Enchanting crowds with our guitar.

A battle ensued at the Gardens Gate

And we preserved the gift of nature,

Standing up against a culture of hate.

We are the Starcatchers, reaching for the sky,

Discovering words of wisdom to live by.

We deliver a message from the heavens above:

Live your legend through the intelligence of love.

[end theme]

Jake, Danny, Josh, and Sam are driving to the set of their upcoming music video for Meeting the Master.

JAKE: (to Danny) You owe me a new amp.

DANNY: You owe John Travolta an apology.

JAKE: I don’t owe that scientology freak anything.

DANNY: I could hardly watch the movie, you were complaining so much.

JAKE: I think I had the right to complain after you threw my best amp out the window.

Danny tsks and shakes his head like he can’t believe Jake would even offer that as a rebuttal. Josh tries to step in to smooth things over.

JOSH: Even if you didn’t catch most of the dialogue, at least you saw the sick dancing, right?

DANNY: Oh, absolutely. I’ve actually been thinking about it a lot since last night.

JOSH and DANNY: (at the same time) We should have a dance number in our music video.

Josh and Danny gape at each other.

JOSH and DANNY: Jinx!

SAM: Absolutely not.

JAKE: I’d rather you chuck me out the window with my poor, broken amp.

JOSH: Just picture it though, we build up the dramatic tension and then, once the song crescendos, we tell the story with our bodies in front of a massive bonfire. It’s exactly what the music is begging us to do.

DANNY: I do think that adding a dance would enhance the message of our song.

SAM: I think you just want to see if you can move like Tony Manero.

DANNY: So what if I do?

JOSH: (starting to eagerly plan) We’ll work on the choreog once we get there.

DANNY: Choreog?

JOSH: Yeah, you know, the dance routine and all.

DANNY: Choreography?

JOSH: I think choreog sounds cool.

DANNY: It really doesn’t.

JAKE: You guys have fun with that. Since Danny is refusing to pay me back for my private property that he decided to destroy, I’m determined to earn the money back to buy a replacement amp.

DANNY: You have enough money in your bank account to just go out and get a new one, Jake.

JAKE: It’s about the principle, Daniel. I’m not paying for something that wasn’t my fault out of pocket.

SAM: I would argue that it was your fault.

JAKE: (growling to Sam) Watch it. (to the rest of the car) I’m gonna win a radio show contest.

JOSH: There’s got to be a better way.

JAKE: Nope. This is the only way. I know for a fact that I’m gonna be caller ten somewhere.

DANNY: Do radio shows even have the money to do contests like that anymore?

Jake reaches over and turns up the volume on the radio. A super cheesy DJ voice comes on.

DJ: Hey Miss Independent, you wanna Breakaway? In honor of the queen, Kelly Clarkson’s birthday, we’re giving out a big old bucket of presidents to our tenth caller! Ring me up (857)349-2983, tell me your favorite Kelly Clarkson song, and the money’s yours.

Jake fumbles with his phone.

JAKE: Drats! What was the number again?

SAM: 867-5309

Jake starts to type the number in and then stops.

JAKE: (to Sam) [expletive censored with the Buddy Holly riff].

JOSH: You don’t even like Kelly Clarkson, Jake.

Jake goes to the radio show’s website, finds the phone number, and eventually manages to call it. The rest of the car is fixated on him. Jake starts making clacking noises with his tongue while he waits for someone to pick up.

JAKE: (excited) Hello? Wha- oh.

DANNY: What happened?

JAKE: They hung up on me.

Sam turns the volume back up on the car stereo from his steering wheel.

DJ: Congratulations to our tenth caller! What’s your name, and what’s your favorite Kelly Clarkson song?

CALLER: Uh, my name is Dave. I don’t actually know who Kelly Clarkson is, I just need the money to flee the country. I’ve been on the run from the IRS since 2007.

DJ: (cutting the caller off) Okay, buddy! Good on ya!

JAKE: (throwing his hands up) Unbelievable! This is rigged! How was I not the tenth caller? Who calls into these things anyways?

SAM: You and Dave.

Jake groans loudly. Sam pulls into the parking lot of the Tennessee State National Park and kills the engine. While they unbuckle their seatbelts, Jake holds his hand out to everyone in the car.

JAKE: Give me your phones.

DANNY: No.

JAKE: (to Danny) You especially.

JOSH: Just, give it to him, Danny. This isn’t a battle you want to fight.

JAKE: (nodding his head) I’ll hide in your walls if you don’t.

DANNY: Are you gonna do anything else, or are you just gonna hang out there?

Jake doesn’t know how to respond to this, but he doesn’t have to since Danny gives in and hands him his phone. Sam and Josh follow suit.

JAKE: Now I just need six more cell phones and I can hack this thing.

Jake takes off for the trailers where they’re supposed to get their hair and makeup done. Sam sighs and shakes his head, following behind Jake, leaving Danny and Josh.

DANNY: We have about forty-five minutes until we have to get dressed.

JOSH: That’s plenty of time to get our choreog worked out.

DANNY: I really wish you would stop calling it that.

JOSH: Would chor-ee be better?

Danny sighs and shakes his head.

On the set of their music video, Sam wanders around the large cameras and lighting equipment. He has his own personal film camera around his neck and starts taking photos of the cameras.

SAM: (chuckling to himself) Heh. Camera-ception.

Sam leans in close to a gigantic camera and attempts to take a selfie of it with his film camera. The flash goes off, temporarily blinding Sam, and he stumbles around, knocking into the camera. He watches in horror as the camera topples over in slow motion and shatters on the ground. How a camera managed to get that damaged in grass is a mystery, but it unfortunately happened.

SAM: Oh [expletive censored with the Buddy Holly riff]!

Sam snaps his head around in a panic and notes that no one was around to see his accident. He takes a few deep breaths to calm himself, and then spots a large branch a few yards away. He grabs it and places it over the broken camera to make it seem like the branch was what caused the damage, even though there are no trees anywhere close by. Once he’s satisfied with his work, he sprints away, waving his hands up in the air in a silent panic, back towards the trailers.

Jake is sitting in the trailer, surrounded by about twenty five cell phones. Sam can be seen running with his arms flailing around in the background through the window of the trailer. Jake listens intently to a handheld radio that’s set on the table in front of him as a different DJ talks.

DJ: On this two for Tuesday, I’m giving out two Ks to the 22nd lucky caller!

Jake hovers over his phone, waiting for the phone number.

DJ: I’ll be waiting at (483) 273-8273.

Jake dials the number at the speed of light, his pupils dilated to the point where he looks like he could be possessed by a demon. He holds his phone up to his ear with his shoulder and begins dialing the same number into every other phone around him, putting each of them on speaker phone. While a symphony of phones ring, Jake waits. The DJ speaks over the phones.

DJ: And we have our winner! Congratulations, what’s your name?

CALLER: Jennifer.

DJ: You get a buttload of money that you can use to pay for anything you want, like a new amp to replace your broken one!

CALLER: Woohoo!

JAKE: YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!

Jake’s shouts ring through the park. They can still be heard in the distance from the parking lot, where Josh and Danny are covered in sweat. Danny is doing a pelvic thrust move while Josh busts out a two step that would make Fred Astaire cry.

JOSH: I think I’ve got it!

Danny stops his subpar dancing to watch Josh’s feet shuffling.

DANNY: You look like you could be a part of LMFAO.

JOSH: That was not what I was going for.

DANNY: Thank god.

JOSH: What do we have so far?

DANNY: Well, at the line, “And I’m taken, by the madness,” we do a spin and a half with our arms held in tight and then do some hand waving in front of our face.

Josh mimes what Danny just described while humming the tune to himself. Danny watches him go and looks to be thinking hard.

JOSH: Like that?

DANNY: I hate it.

JOSH: (growing frustrated) Most of that was your idea!

DANNY: It’s just missing something, I don’t know.

JOSH: More hip thrusts?

DANNY: Yeah, maybe.

Josh starts to sing the line, “And I’m taken, by the madness” again while Danny embodies Tony Manero’s hypnotizing disco hip thrusts. With joy, Josh starts to join Danny. It looks like they’ve finally singled in on something right.

JOSH: Oh yeah!

Sam rushes into Jake’s trailer to find Jake holding his head in his hands following his second failure at winning a radio contest.

SAM: Oh no, oh no no no no.

Jake peeks through his hands up at Sam.

JAKE: (mumbling) I’ll be okay, I’m just feeling a little bit dejected right now.

SAM: No, oh no as in I just completely obliterated one of the nice cameras on set.

JAKE: (still into his hands) How did you manage to pull that off?

SAM: The world is against me.

Jake nods like he understands where Sam is coming from.

SAM: (continuing) I planted a tree branch over the wreckage so it looks like I didn’t do it. But, Jake, I feel so bad.

Jake doesn’t say anything. It’s unclear if he simply doesn’t care, or if he doesn't know what to say in return. Sam looks around the trailer and then lets out a short gasp. Standing in the corner of the trailer, checking out the mini fridge is a man in all red who can only be assumed to be Satan. Satan turns around at the sound of Sam’s gasp, holding onto a carton of 66% milk and takes a long chug. He then wipes his mouth and gives Sam a toothy grin.

SATAN: Been naughty lately, Samuel?

SAM: Psh? What? No.

JAKE: (looking around) Who are you talking to?

SATAN: (continuing) You really think you can hide from what you did?

SAM: (to Satan) The tree branch did it, not me.

JAKE: You’re starting to freak me out, Sam.

SATAN: We both know that’s an awful cover up. Your fingerprints are all over that broken camera.

SAM: (realizing Satan is right) Oh [expletive censored with the Buddy Holly riff]!

Sam books it out of the trailer, determined to cover his tracks before someone finds the camera. Jake watches him go with a frown.

JAKE: I should probably tell Josh that Sam is talking to the shadow people again.

Jake looks like he might actually leave his trailer and fleet of phones behind to find Josh, but the DJ’s voice on the radio reminds him of his ultimate mission.

DJ: You thought I was done handing out free cash that may or may not be super taxed after you get it? No way! Be the sixty-ninth caller, and I’ll send you a check that will make you piss your pants!

Jake goes back to dialing on all the phones.

JAKE: (to himself) C’mon, baby.

The phones ring and beep in an upbeat tempo. The sounds transform into a disco version of Meeting the Master which plays in the parking lot where Josh and Danny are practicing. Josh and Danny have somehow acquired bell bottoms and tight button up tops with impressive collars. The parking lot pavement lights up around them like a disco dancefloor as they practice their routine. Although it isn’t entirely coordinated yet, Josh and Danny dance like their lives depend on it, pointing in all directions with an added flair and wiggling their hips around. They even bust out the lawn mower and sprinkler.

The song fades out and Josh and Danny try to catch their breaths.

DANNY: (wiping sweat from his brow) That was magic.

Josh guzzles an entire yellow Gatorade, attempts to smash the plastic bottle against his forehead, gives up, and walks to a recycling can to toss it. He returns back to Danny’s side.

JOSH: I’m telling you, it all lives in the pelvis.

DANNY: Do you think Jake and Sam are gonna get behind our routine?

Josh has to stand on his tip toes, but he places his hand on Danny’s shoulder.

JOSH: Trust me, once they see how cool we look, they’ll be begging to give it their all in front of the big and fancy cameras.

Back on set, Sam stops running towards the broken camera when he realizes the director has discovered the carnage.

DIRECTOR: The big and fancy camera!

Sam curses to himself and tries to slowly walk backwards towards the trailers. The director spots him and motions for Sam to join his side. Sam looks like he wants to book it.

SAM: (thinking aloud) If I run, that will make me look pretty guilty. But I might be able to run fast enough to the airport that I can catch a flight to Argentina without anyone stopping me. But I don’t know Spanish well enough to ask people what their vegan options are at restaurants. I don’t want to be that guy who goes into a country not knowing the language. Talk about embarrassing.

DIRECTOR: (breaking Sam out of his head) Sam! Someone absolutely obliterated this camera!

Sam starts to scream but then stops himself. Despite his panic, he pretends to act shocked. He’s a terrible actor.

SAM: Oh, man! That’s devastating! Are you sure someone did it? I mean, there’s a big branch on it.

DIRECTOR: There’s not a tree in sight. Unless the branch fell from the sky, I doubt it.

SAM: (changing his game plan) Well, then whoever did that is an absolute monster. I hope they rot.

The director stares at Sam oddly. Satan appears behind the director’s back and shakes his head at Sam

SATAN: You’re gonna be the one to rot, Samuel Francis Kiszka.

Sam chokes on another scream. Satan does a pirouette with a loud cackle and then disappears into a dramatic puff of smoke. Sam shakes his head and widens his eyes. He just had another hallucination.

DIRECTOR: Boy, you’re taking this harder than I am.

SAM: I just can’t help but think that whoever did that to your camera isn’t quite right in the head.

Sam has a large frown on his face.

You know who else has a large frown on his face? Jake. The poor guy hovers over his handheld radio, staring daggers into it with his phone ready in his hand. The camera zooms out to show that, with the exception of the director, Jake has squished every single crew member into the trailer to help him.

BOOM OPERATOR: How are we gonna know when to dial the number?

The Boom Operator holds the mic in front of Jake’s face, whacking him a few times. Jake sputters from the microphone and pushes it away before thinking twice and grabbing it back so he can speak directly into it.

JAKE: I’ll give you the sign.

PA: And what’s the sign?

JAKE: Trust me, you’ll know.

The radio starts to play sounds that are reminiscent of a Vegas slot machine. This immediately piques Jake’s interest and he shushes everyone so he can listen.

DJ: Have I got a treat for you today. Sitting right in front of me on my desk, I’ve got -

Jake is typing furiously away on his computer, searching for the radio show’s phone number. He finds it, lets out an excited cackle, and dials the phone number, hovering his thumb over the “call” button. Everyone else in the trailer is waiting, watching him with intensity while holding their own phones out.

DJ: Gimme a call at (384)392-2983.

JAKE: (shrill) AWWWOOOOOGA!

PA: What?

JAKE: (more shrill, motioning at the phones) AWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOGA!

PA: Huh?

JAKE: Call the number, numbnuts!

Everyone dials in and waits. The Assistant Director’s face brightens and she motions at her phone and gives Jake a big thumbs up. Jake crosses his arms over his chest and gives a satisfied smirk. He’s finally won.

Josh maintains a similar position in the parking lot as he watches Danny finalize their dance routine. Danny moves with a stunning grace as he goes through the motions, doing dazzling spins, foot work, and jumps. You can kind of get a sense of the story that he’s trying to tell with his body, and boy is it beautiful. Danny finishes and wipes some sweat from his brow while Josh showers him in applause.

JOSH: Absolutely stunning work, Daniel.

DANNY: (gasping) You think?

JOSH: Just one note.

DANNY: Of course.

JOSH: I think we need to do this move at some point.

Josh stands with his legs concerningly far apart and his knees bent, locks his fingers together and wiggles his arms in front of him, like a wave. Danny watches him with a blank face.

JOSH: (explaining while he’s still dancing) It symbolizes the tide turning.

DANNY: I’ll, uh, try to see where I can fit that one in.

JOSH: Preferably after Jake’s solo when he does the worm.

DANNY: I don’t remember agreeing to that part of the routine.

JOSH: When you see him do it, you’ll thank me.

DANNY: Uhhhh….

Sam makes similar grunting sounds to Danny, sitting on a log on set and staring blankly at the camera that the director is collecting from the ground and moving into a beautiful coffin. The director sniffs back tears and dabs at his eyes with a hankie. Sam looks to his left and sees Satan sitting next to him, cleaning under his long fingernails with a part of the broken camera.

SAM: Can you please leave me alone? The guilt is bad enough, I don’t need you around too.

SATAN: On the contrary. I think you need me around to remind you what an awful person you are. I mean, who takes a selfie with a camera?

SAM: What else are you gonna take a selfie with?

Satan does not look amused. Sam nervously chuckles.

SAM: So maybe you have a point. It wasn’t my finest moment, but it can’t be that bad, right?

SATAN: The owner of that camera sold his dead father’s car to buy it. It was the only way he could make it in this industry.

Sam clutches at his face and moans in despair.

SATAN: He kept that camera locked in a vault in his basement to make sure no one got their grimy hands on it. But the one time he left it for a second, you went and destroyed it.

SAM: You know, I am kinda surprised he’s not here with the director, doing whatever that is.

Sam motions at the director, who is playing a funeral song on a set of bagpipes over the coffin containing the camera parts.

Jump cut to the cameraman in Jake’s trailer, texting the director “I’ll be back on set in a sec to get the cameras set up. Guitarist dude for the band just won a radio contest - who does that anymore???”

Jake is clutching arms with the Assistant Director, jumping up and down and shouting with glee. The Assistant Director quickly stops jumping and holds a finger up to Jake, pointing at the phone. Jake immediately stops and watches the Assistant Director, soaking in his glory.

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: (on the phone) No way, that’s incredible! (to Jake) I’m gonna be on the radio in a second, turn it up.

Jake turns up the volume on the radio so everyone can listen.

DJ: Congratulations to our lucky caller! Who am I speaking with?

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: Seymour.

DJ: Well, Seymour -

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: (cutting the DJ off) Seymour Buttz.

DJ: Okay, Seymour Buttz, you’ve got yourself one hell of a prize!

JAKE: (leaning over the AD to call into the phone) What’s the prize?

The DJ laughs for an uncomfortably long amount of time on the other end of the line. Jake’s eye twitches.

Sam’s eye twitches as well as he sits with Satan on the log.

SAM: (thinking aloud) I need to get money pooled together to buy the poor guy a new camera, don’t I? I can’t run away from this for the rest of my life.

SATAN: You could steal the money.

SAM: I could steal the money. From Jake. He’s trying to win a radio contest.

Satan looks confused. Does anyone participate in radio contests anymore?? Sam ignores his look and hustles towards Jake’s trailer. On his way over, he runs into Josh and Danny, who are slurping down Gatorades to get their electrolytes.

JOSH: Oh, Sam! Just the person we wanted to see! We gotta teach you the choreog for the music video! I think Daniel and I have come up with something really special.

DANNY: It’s so good, we might even get invited to join Dancing With the Stars as guest judges.

SAM: You’re gonna have to put that on hold, I have something really important I need to work out with Jake. It’s literally a matter of life or death.

Danny snaps out of his euphoria from dancing.

DANNY: Wait. Sam, what did you do?

Sam is already gone. Danny grabs Josh and they hurry behind him. The three friends tear into Jake’s trailer to find him on the phone, the entire crew watching him as if they’re in a Renaissance painting.

JAKE: (into the phone) WHAT’S THE PRIZE, DJ BIG BREEZY?! LEGALLY YOU HAVE TO TELL ME WHAT I WON!

DJ BIG BREEZY: Man, I think you’ve got a stick shoved up somewhere where the sun don’t shine. Maybe I’ll pass this off to the forty-third caller. You’re kinda stressing me out.

Jake sucks in a deep breath, holds it in his mouth with his cheeks puffed out, and then exhales. He looks a smidge calmer.

JAKE: Sorry, DJ Big Breezy. I’m just really excited. So, how many K’s are we talking here?

DJ BIG BREEZY: No K’s kid.

Jake’s face brightens.

JAKE: Mil?

DJ BIG BREEZY: Nil. You won two tickets to catch a special screening of Saturday Night Fever at the downtown AMC!

Jake hangs up the phone. His face progressively turns more red, to the point where he resembles Satan. Sam gapes at Jake with a look of distress on his face as well. He has nothing to steal from this poor man. Josh watches Jake with concern. Jake is going to blow at any second. Danny can’t help but let out a large laugh.

DANNY: Hah! Serves you right!

Jake glares at Danny, his face still red.

JAKE: This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

JOSH: Even worse than the time when you had to be Willy Wonka in the school play because I got sick?

JAKE: Way, way worse than that.

Josh whistles.

JAKE: How am I ever going to pay for a new amp? You know what? Tour’s canceled.

DANNY: Oh, come on, Jake. Get over yourself.

JAKE: Amp killer!

DANNY: Hey, let’s not go around carelessly throwing accusations around like that. I could serve time.

JAKE: (jutting his finger into Danny’s shoulder) You should go to jail.

SAM: (realizing behind Jake and Danny) I’m gonna go to jail.

JOSH: (raising an eyebrow at Sam) Why are you gonna go to jail?

SAM: (the dam has broken) I wrecked a fancy camera on set! I didn’t mean to, I just wanted to take a picture with it, but then I knocked into it and it just kinda went, well, kersplat.

CAMERAMAN: Woah, wait, what happened to my camera?

SAM: I was gonna get the money for you to cover the damages. It’s just that Jake is an idiot and screwed everything up with the radio contest.

JAKE: Wait, what do I have to do with any of this?

SAM: I was gonna snag your winnings to cover my behind.

JAKE: Sam!

SAM: It was the easiest way to fix this.

JAKE: Robbing me??

DANNY: (pinching at the bridge of his nose) What I can’t wrap my head around here is why neither of you are willing to dig into your own stinking pockets. I mean, you both have money for crying out loud.

Satan appears next to Sam’s shoulder.

SATAN: I say you punch the curly haired guy in the kneecaps for questioning your plan.

Sam looks like he’s considering it.

CAMERAMAN: Dude, there’s literally nothing to worry about. I mean, yeah, it would be nice to have the camera today to do the shoot, but it’s no sweat. I’ve got the thing insured.

SAM: Insured?

CAMERAMAN: Yeah, I don’t have to pay out of pocket to fix it.

Sam looks to be having a hard time grasping this concept.

JOSH: (softly, to Sam) Do you not know what insurance is?

Sam shakes his head, embarrassed.

JOSH: Huh. I thought you did since you really didn’t get too upset about Danny breaking your window last night.

DANNY: Yeah, that’s mostly why I did it. I knew State Farm would be a good neighbor.

SAM: I wasn’t worried about the window because I kinda like the draft it makes. It helps air out the place, especially after Rosie rips her massive farts. Boy, can that dog make a stink.

No one knows what to do with this information.

JAKE: Let me get this straight, you were going to keep your front window broken like that through the winter?

SAM: I dunno, maybe? I didn’t really think about it too much.

DANNY: Oh, Sam.

SAM: You learn something new every day?

Satan is back in the room, pinching at the bridge of his nose and shaking his head.

SATAN: This is way too far out of my pay grade.

Satan vanishes. Sam waves goodbye to him. To Jake, Josh, Danny, and the rest of the trailer, it looks like he’s waving goodbye to an empty corner in the room. Jake makes a noise like he remembered something.

JAKE: (to Josh) He’s been talking to the shadow people again.

JOSH: Aw [expletive censored with the Buddy Holly riff].

Danny cautiously approaches Jake and tucks his arm around his shoulders. Jake looks like he wants to slither out of Danny’s grasp, but Danny holds him tight.

DANNY: I want to strike a deal with you.

JAKE: I want to strike you in the kneecaps.

Sam looks at Jake in shock. Is he Satan?!

DANNY: (ignoring Jake) I’ll pay for your replacement amp if you agree to go to the screening of Saturday Night Fever with me.

Jake opens his mouth to protest.

DANNY: (continuing) And you have to do the worm on camera during your guitar solo for our music video.

JAKE: Huh?

JOSH: This vision, Jake, it’s enough to blow your underwear into the stratosphere. Just picture it: your guitar solo starts, you drop down in the grass, and do the most impressive worm the world has ever seen in slow motion while a fire rages in the background.

JAKE: I can’t do the worm.

JOSH: Not with that attitude.

JAKE: (to Danny) Can I bring in my lawyer to negotiate the terms?

DANNY: We both know you don’t have a lawyer.

JAKE: Do too.

DANNY: Josiah Cockerell is not a real person. You just throw out his name when you want to scare people with a fake lawsuit.

JAKE: Shoot, I spend too much time with you.

DANNY: So, are you gonna take me up on this or waste the rest of your life away trying to win cheesy radio contests?

The camera zooms in on Jake’s face as he tries to make a decision. We see that the perspective is coming from Sam - he’s got his film camera back out and is standing about three feet away from Jake, zooming in so far that the lens nearly presses against Jake’s nose. Jake pushes Sam’s camera out of the way and huffs.

JAKE: Fine.

DANNY: Shake on it.

Jake and Danny spit into their hands, wipe their spitty hands across each other’s faces, play a quick round of patty cake, do a spin, bump their hips together, and then shake.

DANNY: It’s been nice doing business with you.

JAKE: Can I at least watch a couple of tutorials on how to do the worm before I go out there?

JOSH: I think it would be a lot more powerful if you winged it.

JAKE: You hate me, don’t you?

SAM: I don’t want to dance.

DANNY: You can be in the middle.

SAM: Deal!

JOSH: Come on, guys. We’ll show you how it’s done.

Transition to Meeting the Master playing overhead. Josh, Danny, Jake, and Sam are back in the parking lot, dressed in their Meeting the Master music video outfits. Josh and Danny are dancing along to the music while Jake and Sam try to follow along behind them. They’re pulling every dance move out of their pockets - at times it looks like they're copying TikTok dances, at other points they could be on Broadway. They jump, they twirl, they point around, they wiggle their hips, they bust out moves that you would see on the dancefloor at a Father-Daughter dance. It’s a routine for the ages. When the guitar solo starts, Josh and Danny start screaming at Jake.

DANNY and JOSH: GO JAKE, GO! GET DOWN AND DIRTY! GO, WORM BOY! WIGGLE BOY, WIGGLE!

Jake chokes in terror and flops onto the ground. His worm looks more like he’s doing reverse crunches, continually planting his face into the grass. When his head retracts, he spits out clumps of grass. Even though his interpretation of the worm is a disgrace to the dance move, Danny, Josh, and Sam cheer him on like he’s killing it. When Jake picks himself back up from the ground, his white suit is covered with grass stains. Their stylist is going to murder him.

At the end of the song, Josh is really feeling it. He pushes in front of Sam, who was dancing in the middle, jumps up high in the air, and lands with a loud crack in the splits. Danny, Sam, and Jake immediately stop dancing and gape at him.

DANNY: Josh, that wasn’t a part of the choreog!

JOSH: (choking from the ground) I wanted to add a little shish boom pow at the end.

JAKE: The only shish boom pow you did was to your groin. God, I could hear that crack from space.

JOSH: (still on the ground) I can’t move.

SAM: No need to worry, you’re insured, right?

JAKE: You’re kind of getting the hang of it, Sam.

Danny approaches Josh’s side and lifts him from the ground with a grunt. Josh looks to be permanently stuck in the splits - as Danny lifts him up, his legs are still sticking out in opposite directions. Danny looks to Jake and Sam for help. Jake and Sam both nod: they know what they need to do.

JOSH: Hey, uh, let’s not get too ahead of ourselves here. I actually feel fine. I love having my legs out like this.

Danny, Sam, and Jake ignore him. Danny holds Josh up even higher while he babbles. Jake grabs a hold of his leg in the front and Sam grabs his leg in the back. They both kick up their feet, trying to swing on his legs. Josh hollers as his legs snap back into place.

JOSH: [expletive censored with the Buddy Holly riff]!

DANNY: (as he puts Josh down) Better?

JOSH: (brushing himself off) Hardly. I feel awful.

DANNY: But, Josh, we have to dance! This music video is nothing without our bodies telling a story, just like Tony Manero did in Saturday Night Fever.

JOSH: I flew too close to the sun, Danny Boy. It’s time for me to strip off the wings before I hurt myself more. I have a yoga class that I can’t miss on Thursday.

Danny hangs his head. Jake watches him and feels a pang of guilt. He approaches Danny and puts a hand on his shoulder.

JAKE: Hey, I’ll still do the worm.

Danny looks at Jake in surprise.

DANNY: Really?

JAKE: Yeah. I mean, we made a deal, didn’t we? It won’t be the full dance, but at least you can get a bit of your messaging on screen.

DANNY: We can work with that.

JOSH: I told you he would see the light!

The episode ends with the director, cameraman, and assistant director watching a cut of the Meeting the Master music video. During Jake’s guitar solo, they watch footage of Jake doing his kind-of worm in slow motion in front of a bonfire. There are multiple different angles of him doing this and, with the music, it’s a truly bizarre sight. The crew members gape at the footage and then the director shuts it off.

DIRECTOR: Well…

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: Oh god.

CAMERAMAN: We’re not keeping that, are we?

DIRECTOR: Absolutely not. That was the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

The Cameraman and Assistant Director breathe out in relief.

DIRECTOR: (continuing) It’s so bad, I want to throw myself out a window.

END OF EPISODE.

Notes: EVERYONE GIVE ALEX (@jmkho) SO MUCH LOVE FOR THE TITLE AND ADDISON (@starcatcherkiszka) FOR THE ORIGINAL IDEA!!! 🫶🫶🫶