#standing by and doing nothing with my clear privilege makes me no better than some white moderate

[queen-haq]

Fic: Never You (Penelope x Colin) - Part 4

Fandom: Bridgerton (TV show)

Spoilers: S3 released scenes.

Summary: They may have been friends once but his callous words decimated their relationship. Determined not to have anything to do with him, Penelope is ready to move on. But Colin isn’t giving up, not at all. Friends or not, they are connected for life - and he intends to remind her of that.

Excerpt:

“You would hate me for not wanting to court you. You would be that selfish?”

“Of course you would think that.”

“What else is this if not punishment?”

Masterlist (contains links to previous parts and my other stories)

“Unhand her now, Colin!”

Penelope jumped at the sound of Anthony’s voice, panicked at the thought of being caught. Colin must have felt the same way as he finally loosened his grip on her waist. Immediately she distanced herself from him, a heated blush creeping across her cheeks at the sight of the Viscount and his wife standing a few feet away. While Anthony was busy glaring at Colin, Kate Bridgerton’s eyes studied her with concern.

Although he had never been unkind to her, a part of her had always been intimidated by the eldest Bridgerton sibling. While Benedict was affable and charming, Anthony was the opposite and his stern demeanor tended to make her nervous. So to be caught by him in such a shameful manner – Penelope wanted the earth to swallow her up, she was too embarrassed to speak.

“What is going on here?” Anthony demanded, glaring at Colin. “Did you hurt her? Are you alright, Penelope?”

“Stay out of this, brother!”

“I’m fine.”

She and Colin replied in unison.

Penelope cast Colin a quick glance, warning him silently to go along with the lie. “My dress had a tear in it and Colin was helping me.”

Neither Anthony nor Kate looked like they believed her. Fortunately, they did not push back.

“You both know better than to be alone out here without a chaperone,” Anthony chastised. “If anyone were to see the two of you-”

“Fortunately, it was only us,” Kate interjected, approaching Penelope with an assuring smile. “Anthony, why don’t you and Colin go back in and fetch us some champagne? After I help Penelope with her dress, we can meet you inside.”

“Pen and I still have much to discuss,” Colin said in a firm tone.

She threw an irritated glance at Colin. While he was within his rights to argue with his family, she certainly didn’t have the same privilege – and it brought further attention to how oblivious he was when it came to her.

There was a time when she used to believe all of his gestures of intimacy were indicative of his love, but since the night she overheard him it became clear that had never been the case. His words – “you do not count, you’re Pen” – was how he truly felt. She wasn’t someone he viewed romantically, rather he didn’t view her as a proper lady at all.  It’s why he never worried about others misconstruing their relationship, why he never hesitated to spend time with her unchaperoned, why he kissed her tonight with such recklessness when he would never dare to do so with other young ladies of the ton. And even though he wasn’t purposely being hurtful, it still angered her to recognize how careless he was with her. In the past she was too much in love with Colin to worry about her own reputation but now she couldn’t afford a scandal. Not when she was so close to gaining freedom and living the life she wanted. “There’s nothing further to say.”

“In that case, brother, you and I shall head inside,” Anthony ordered sternly. “And Kate and Penelope may join us when they’re ready.”   

Colin turned to her, peering at her, demanding silently that she meet his gaze. “I will call on you tomorrow,” he stated angrily when she refused to look at him.

“I have a prior engagement,” was her immediate reply.

“With whom?”

“Now!” Anthony barked.

Finally Colin tore his eyes from her and stormed away. He didn’t wait for Anthony, instead marching past his brother.

“I apologize for his behaviour.” Anthony shook his head. “If my brother has said or done anything to harm you-”

“He hasn’t,” she replied quickly. “As I said, he was simply assisting me. But you are right, we should not have been out here without a chaperone.”

“Rest assured it won’t happen again.”

Then his attention darted to his wife, and it was as if the Anthony she had known since childhood was instantly changed. In his place was a soft and tender man, eyes flooded with love as his gaze swept over the Viscountess. They were simply standing there yet Penelope felt like she was intruding on a private moment between the couple, the affection between them so potent. And seeing them so much in love filled her heart with joy, but there was also an aching sadness that pricked at her. Because she knew Colin would never look at her that way or love her as fiercely as his brother did Kate.

“Are you alright?” Kate asked.

Realizing her face must have given her away, Penelope quickly composed herself. “I’m fine. Thank you for your concern, Viscountess.”

“I shall see you inside,” Anthony said softly before taking his leave.

“I’m fine, truly. I just need a few minutes of fresh air and I will go back in,” Pen said in a rush, feeling nervous around the other woman.

“I require some fresh air myself. I hope you don’t mind if I keep you company?” Kate smiled.

“Of course not, Lady Kate. It would be a pleasure.”

“Kate. Please. And I hope you don’t mind if I call you Penelope?”

“I would like that.”

“Perhaps I can fashion something out of my shawl for you,” Kate said, removing the fabric around her shoulders and draping it over Penelope’s. After a few seconds of trifling with the material, she stepped back to examine her handiwork. “Yes, that looks quite pretty. Don’t you think?”

Penelope glanced down at herself. Not only did the fabric hide her torn sleeve, but also the marks on her breasts. Bite marks left by Colin when he’d laved her skin with his tongue and teeth, same marks that must have been visible to Anthony earlier. Shame flooded over Penelope, she wanted to die.

“Shall we take a stroll around the maze before we go inside?” Kate suggested.

Penelope nodded, too embarrassed to speak.

Looping her arm through Penelope’s, Kate started walking alongside her. “I admit I don’t know Colin very well. He started his travels soon after the wedding and we didn’t have much time to get to know one another. However, I’ve always found him to be witty and good-natured.”

Penelope remained silent.

“Which is why the last few days have been such a surprise. He has been unusually agitated and others have noticed as well.”

“Have they?” Penelope muttered. “He’s probably having difficulties settling back into his old life after his recent adventures.”

“Yes, Benedict thought so too.”

“They are quite close as brothers.”

“True, but I suspect it has more to do with matters of the heart.” Kate paused in her tracks. “Perhaps you’re the reason?”

Penelope shook her head. “I don’t think so.”

“He seemed quite upset just now.”

“Not because of me, I’m sure. I’m incapable of eliciting strong emotions in Colin.”

Kate gave her a curious glance. “Why do you say so?”

Penelope shrugged her shoulders. “Because Colin and I are friends. That’s all.”

“Your rendezvous with him tonight would suggest otherwise, Penelope.”

“You would think so, but it doesn’t.” She sent Kate a bitter smile. “I’m Pen. His friend. And that means he doesn’t view me in the same light as he does other ladies. Normal rules of society don’t apply to me.”

“That can’t be true.”

She leveled the older woman with a pained gaze. “Colin would never exchange private letters with any of the young ladies of the ton, he’d be too worried about jeopardizing their reputation. And he certainly wouldn’t cause a scandal by spending time with them unchaperoned. Yet here I am, recipient of both.”

Kate looked taken aback by her words. “That doesn’t sound like the actions of a friend.”

“I assure you Colin isn’t a duplicitous person, he genuinely doesn’t mean to cause harm. However, he’s oblivious when it comes to me. I might as well be invisible to him.”

“I see male idiocy isn’t reserved for Anthony alone,” Kate sighed, resuming their walk again. “In my experience tihe Bridgerton men can be quite… foolish when it comes to romance.” She squeezed Penelope’s arm. “But once they get over their stubbornness, they are fierce with their love.”

“I will have to take your word for it.”

“Have you talked to Colin about how you feel? Perhaps if you-”

“Lady Kate, I don’t mean to be rude.” Penelope smiled stiffly at the Viscountess. “But there’s no point in discussing this any further. How I feel about Colin doesn’t matter.”

“You care deeply for him. I can see that.”

Penelope paused. The only person she’d ever confessed her feelings about Colin was to Arthur Debling and even that took a while.

“You shouldn’t deny your feelings, Penelope.”

“I’m not denying them. I know how I feel, and I recognize my feelings will probably never go away. But that doesn’t mean I have to wallow in heartache.” She stared out at the garden, ruminating on the measures she’d taken to secure the life she wanted. “I used to think I would only be happy if I married Colin, but I’ve come to realize that is no longer true. There are other forms of happiness, little things that can bring a lot of joy if one is open to it.” She graced Kate with a shy smile. “I intend to move on and pursue some of my other dreams. Maybe even have small adventures along the way.”  

“Is that what you would like?”

Penelope bit down on her lip. A part of her felt anxious about sharing her secret desires but the kindness in Kate’s eyes made her think that not only would the older woman not mock her but she might actually understand. “Very much so.”

Kate returned her smile. “In that case, I hope you get everything your heart desires.”

“Thank you.”

“But I feel I must warn you.” Concern shone brightly in Kate’s dark eyes. “The look I saw on Colin tonight, it’s an expression I’m familiar with having seen it on my husband’s face many times. I don’t think my brother-in-law will go quietly into the night. He may make it difficult for you to move on.”

“That’s not who Colin is.” She reached out to touch her neck, only to remember that there was now a scarf covering the area. Her skin still burned with the memory of his mouth voraciously roving over her, hot and urgent. She dropped her hand immediately. “As soon as he realizes things have changed between us, he will move on. And there will not be any shortage of ladies vying for his attention. It’s only a matter of time before I become a distant memory to him.”

“You underestimate your own worth,” Kate replied, a hint of sternness in her voice.

Pen shrugged to herself. “I only speak the truth.”

Kate didn’t respond, instead squeezing her arm. They made their way back inside, both women deep in thought.

***

Later that night Penelope was waiting for her carriage outside while listening to the nearby chatter of a group of gentlemen who were gossiping idly. Often her biggest source of news were men of the ton themselves. While there was no doubt women liked to gossip, they were far more discreet than the opposite sex, something Lady Whistledown benefitted from. She was busy cataloguing the topics they were discussing when she suddenly found herself with company. Her breath halted in her throat when Colin appeared beside her.

“You’re avoiding me,” he said quietly, sounding both hurt and angry.

She kept her voice deliberately steady. “It’s late, Colin. I wish to go home.”

“We need to discuss what happened tonight.”

Her stomach clenched at the thought. “I’d rather not.”

The intensity within him clamored for her full attention even as his entitled words filled her with rage. There was a respectable amount of space between them but it was as if he was pressed against her like before, heat emanating from him. And the way he was looking at her, eyes burning bright with emotion as they swept over her skin, pausing on the same spot where he left bite marks -  she couldn’t think around him. She desperately needed an escape.

“You owe me the truth, Pen. I demand it. You must tell me who the gentleman is.” He took a step closer. “I have a responsibility to protect you, to keep you safe.” Another step. “Your reputation could have been compromised-”

“You didn’t seem to care about that earlier when you followed me into the garden,” she fired back at him. “What if someone had caught us, Colin? Do you even know what that would’ve done to my reputation?”

He stiffened. “We would have been forced to marry.”

She noted the immediate panic that flitted across his face, his voice drowning in misery at the thought of marrying her.  It was clear the idea of a romantic bond between them horrified him, and even though she’d come to accept that fact already it still felt like someone had ripped her heart out and stomped all over it. But she would die before letting him see how much his rejection hurt. Straightening her back, she gave him a cold glance. “You don’t need to worry. I would never force you into that.” She turned to look at the carriage that had come to a stop in front of her. “I think it’s best if we keep our distance going forward. Good night, Colin.”

He offered his hand to help her into the carriage but she ignored it. However, he didn’t step aside. “This conversation is not over. I will call on you tomorrow."

“And I will not be available.”

Before he could say anything further, she slammed the carriage door in his face.

To be continued...

A/N - Thank you for reading. If you care to share your thoughts, I would be grateful :)

[whumpshaped]

Whumpees who only have each other for comfort and care in between the sessions of hurt

Bonus points if they can't stand each others guts

also fuck it im gonna plug this story here bc i feel like its similar enough lol

tw reluctant caretakers, captivity, multiple whumpees, implied torture, aftermath of torture

“Sit still,” Caretaker hissed.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Next time when you’re digging around inside my open wound, I’ll–” Whumpee froze with their mouth agape, almost allowing a pained whimper to escape. Fuck, it hurt. It hurt badly.

It wasn’t often that Whumper allowed them actual medical supplies. They were very clear on the fact that this was a privilege, and truth be told, Whumpee was sort of glad that Caretaker was there to help them with it. If only it was anyone else but them, it would’ve been just perfect.

“Do you want me to clean this or not?” Caretaker asked, annoyed that Whumpee kept unintentionally trying to pull away. “I said sit still, or I’ll just give you the stuff and let you do it yourself. Do you want to die of an infection?”

“You’d love that, wouldn’t you?” they choked out. Caretaker scoffed.

“Nothing better than sharing a cell with a decomposing body.”

Whumpee tried their best to stay put, letting Caretaker roughly treat their wounds. They were pretty sure their reluctant medic had quite a bit of fun hurting them under the guise of helping, but they didn’t blame them. Whumpee would’ve had some fun in their place, too.

“Fuck, finally,” Whumpee sighed when Caretaker let go of them. “You take fucking ages to do this.”

“I can undo it much quicker, if you like.”

Whumpee made a face and crawled out of arm’s reach, leaning against the wall. “Yeah. That’s something you’re good at, at least.”

Caretaker took the rest of the supplies and started treating their own wounds, applying ointments and struggling with bandages one-handed. Whumpee watched for a while, occasionally making a comment about the clumsy attempts, before motioning them over.

“I’m not letting you touch me,” Caretaker grumbled.

“Oh, fuck off. I’m not gonna kill you.”

“Not on purpose.”

Whumpee rolled their eyes and dragged themself back to where Caretaker was sitting, snatching the bandage roll out of their hand. Caretaker didn’t resist, not really. “Sure. As if I want to spend days with a rotting corpse, you fucking idiot.”

[deardoomedworld]

Talking about how affable yet ruthless Inayat "tyrant of love" Khan is has made me start thinking about Jesper and how prickly he is. He's so mean, even purposefully vicious - think of how he talks to Anita when he leaves, and how after that harrowing conversation, he's literally fantasising about how he could've been even meaner - he seems to find some sort of satisfaction/relief in being mean, in the little bit of power and control it temporarily gives him (over someone else's emotions, which is better than nothing when you feel powerless).

When we first meet them as adults, Jesper seems more detached from the other two (or alternatively, Khan and Tereesz seem closer), not just because of an earlier falling out with Khan but because he seems more put together. Tereesz' and Khan's careers/lives are more obviously shaped by their childhood trauma, while Jesper is succesful, rich, and famous. He seems better adjusted and perhaps like he moved on more than the others. Jesper's jabs towards Tereesz and Khan (think of how he tells them that them visiting the Lund girls' mother is sad/pathetic while he did the same thing; or the "those of us whose profession does not include ditches and missing children" comment) seem specifically meant to make himself look more normal. He's wearing white. He's not sullied.

This is of course just a facade. Later on in the book, it becomes clear (at least that's my interpretation) that Jesper is just as, if perhaps not more fucked up than the others, and keeps them at arms length because he's trying to hide this. His privilege - his wealth and his looks (as a blonde, blue-eyed Vaasan) - plays a big role in him succeeding in this. The other two are constantly reminded that they're immigrants, and already have to put in more effort than Jesper just to be treated normally (Tereesz is very good at this when he's not inebriated, as he seems to have dumped a bunch of skill points in composure & authority. Khan not so much), let aside when they're unraveling.

But back to his prickly exterior, his meanness. I find it interesting that as unlikeable as he is, he also seems to completely break down once Tereesz gets shot. He builts a little tomb for Tereesz' gun and then sets off to, apparently, do coke for two months and then disappear himself (we get a nice close-up of his passport, his identity, burning up before he enters the Lungs of Graad). As much as he mocked Tereesz and Khan, he seemed completely on board to leave his life behind and go with Khan's plan, but then he just abandons that after the events or chapter 18. Because... "It's become too morbid for Jesper."

Behind his likeability, Khan is revealed to be somewhat ruthless- there's nothing he won't do for this cause, nothing that can stand in his way. Jesper, vicious as he was, breaks down quickly, because his meanness was for hiding vulnerability. He was trying so hard to be normal. ("This is sad? It's all totally great!") The Ibex English translation uses the word morbid a few times, and it's often in relation to Jesper. ("I don't collect anything, you morbos.") So, behind his prickliness, is Jesper the one made of mushier stuff, who can't handle the bad stuff well? The soft one who just breaks, in the end? The sentimental one, holding onto scrunchies and service weapons.

It's counterintuitive because he's so mean, but maybe Jesper is in white because he's more innocent, more childlike? ("To this day, he hates adult sexuality. (...) Realistically, and in a paradoxical way, this makes him a p*dophile.") After all, if you search the word white through the Ibex translation, almost all instances of its use are used to refer to a Lund girl, or Jesper.

Is. Is this anything.

[princessb4mbi]

MESSAGES I CAN’T SEND

꩜ tags black!reader, therapist!eren, college setting, age gap (reader in 20s, eren in 30s), power dynamic, not so protective sex? mentions of death [not proofread]

꩜ synopsis isn’t it obvious to hide your private life better? or was it not obvious when a video of you dry-humping a pillow was sent to your therapist.

@ word count 3.6k

story below the cut !!

ever since you’ve lost your mother to old age, your mental health has spiraled downwards a little bit. you’ve had the privilege of knowing when she WOULD die and at-least died in a proper place rather than somewhere shitty, so that’s cheered your spirits up a little bit. she was your best friend though, and losing your best friend is painful. you went to her whenever you could, talked on the phone for hours, and slept in her bed every night as if you were still five years old. 

you weren’t the only one suffering though, your childhood friend sasha couldn’t stand watching you wither away. even though she did everything she could, she knew she was capable of oh so much. 

you weren’t the only one suffering though, your childhood friend sasha couldn’t stand watching you wither away. even though she did everything she could, she knew she was capable of oh so much. 

“do you want me to hook you up with my therapist? he’ll seriously help you clear all cloudy thoughts away y/n,” sasha says caressing your cheeks

you move your face away from her hand, “they aren’t cloudy thoughts sas, im just grieving my mother..” 

“i know baby, i know.. but i don’t want to grieve YOU if you die of a heartbreak. i want you to get better, physically and mentally.” sasha looks at me emphatically.

she pulls out her phone and scrolls through her contacts until stopping at a card called “dr.jaeger”. “listen, give him a call please. his prices are cheap and his place is nice. it’s not like those dull white offices with an ugly long chair and a monotone person.” 

you sighed, reluctantly agreeing to her copying and pasting the number to your phone. “okey, i gotta go now babe, but PROMISE me you’ll give him a call, he’ll help you, and if he doesn’t i’ll play for any of your bills ok?” sasha says packing up her stuff. she kisses your cheek before leaving the quiet study area, leaving you alone to your own thoughts. 

you stare at the contact card, pulling dr. jaeger’s name up on your laptop and scrolling through his website. sasha was right about one thing, his prices WERE cheap. about $65 an hour and he also had packages where two weeks of therapy would be about $350 in total.   

the prices however, weren’t enough to convince you fully, as your scroll down to see the reviews.  

“dr. jaeger saved me. after the loss of my wife, i never felt like so lonely, but my daughter told me about him and he’s helped me heal properly and not turn to anything crazy. he’s an amazing person with amazing talents as such a young age. 5 stars” 

ok.. that was something. not that you were going to invalidate them, but that seemed just.. fake. you decided to read another one.

“oh my gosh. no one would believe how amazing someone is at listening and understanding a person’s thoughts. dr. jaeger was nothing like those terrible therapists who make you pay $100 for an shitty hour call. oh how i wished i can say more, but the character limit is fu” 

you giggled at that one. maybe i should give him a call. with a deep breath, you called the number. 

“hello? my name is y/n, i’d like to speak to dr. jaeger please.” 

— 

it’s been about a month since you’ve scheduled a session with dr. jaeger, only having to wait that long due to “heavy traffic”. sasha is currently driving you to the building. 

“you know, i’m really proud of you for calling. i was scared you were going to stay depressed forever.” sasha says over her 80s radio playing. 

“let’s not get too happy yet, he could still be shit at his job..” you say cutting down any happy thoughts. 

“you’re STILL doubting him y/n? i get that some people are money hungry, but i promise you he’s not. if he was, do you think ME of all people would be recommending you to him? i mean c’mon, have some faith please.” 

“i’m sorry, i just nervous ok. my stomach is doing backflips at the moment.” 

“hey man, if you feel like farting, ill park somewhere and you can walk the rest of the way.”

you two pull up to the parking lot, fancy with a modern style front. the office itself if very modern and 2 floored. 

“k, i’m gonna drop you off here, call me when you’re done ok?” 

you walk out of sasha’s car, waving her goodbye while she drives away. you walk into the sleek office, with painting from what you the assume were from the last two centuries. 

the receptionist greets you with a nice smile “welcome, how may i help you today?” you give her your name. “ah i see, you right on time then, ill have this guard guide you to dr. jaeger’s office.” just then, a semi tall man with a black uniform from comes in-front of me. “right this way.” 

he leads me into the elevator, where he then leads me into a hallway with lots of rooms. there’s multiple therapists in this building, all with different ways. as i look through the glass windows, i see pet therapy, group therapy and even massage therapy. the guard finally stops at a door, with a name tag having “DR. JAEGER” on it. “here’s your room, have a nice day.” he says as he’s walking away. you give him a quick thank you and knock on the door. 

a deep “come in.” follows shortly after, and you enter the room. first impression of when you enter the room was that sasha was right. the room was anything from boring, and didn’t have white walls but instead had a mix of brown and auburn. there was lots of old-style decor too. a record player, cd’s and even the tv was kinda old. 

however you were greeted with the most shocking thing of all, dr. jaeger himself. he looked away from his papers, to look at you and gave you a warm smile. his visuals was… something you didn’t expect. most therapist are middle-aged men and women, that are sort-of not the most attractive. but that was ok, because they wanted to help you, not seduce you. dr. jaeger on the other hand was extremely beautiful. he has dark brown hair, put up in a semi-messy bun, the most luscious green eyes, and very kissable pink lips. 

i guess you were admiring his facial features for too long to notice dr. jaeger looking at you weirdly. “maybe un-responsive.” he mutters to himself, typing down on his laptop. upon hearing his words, you apologize and scurried to the seat in-front of him. 

“or not. . . my name is dr. jaeger, if you’ve haven’t gotten a chance to see on the door.” 

“i did, sorry for not responding earlier.” 

“it’s ok, its common for most genders to be shocked at how i look.” dr. jaeger said in a non-concerned voice. you were took aback a little by his comment, most genders to be shocked at how he looked? you were wondering if he was just annoyed at the common occurrence or just knew that he was an attractive man. “pushing that aside,” he sighed “sasha has told me a lot about you.” he says looking up at you. 

“she did?” you question.

“mhm, she cares for you ms….” he looks at the paper look for your last name. 

“y/l/n.” 

“ah, thank you. sasha cares for you ms. y/l/n. she talks about your recovery, and wants you to best happy for her.” he says maintaining eye contact. you can’t respond to such kindness. all you can do is nod your head and smile. 

“but as a therapist view-point, the death of a loved one is one of the hardest battle we have to overcome as a human being. no matter how emotionless a person may be, the death of anything else to them will always cause someone to break. that’s just how we are, we humans . . . after all.” he says empathically. 

“my job isn’t to make you forget your mother, or forget the pain you feel about her. you always feel pain lingering about her, and that’s ok. i’m just here to help you reduce that pain.” 

you were shocked. cheap prices, handsome therapist AND a good one at that? maybe it’s good to stay faithful after all. 

— 

it’s been about 3 weeks since you’ve had daily therapy sessions with mr. jaeger and he’s honestly been helping you a lot. you had different kinds of sessions, like walking around and even some pet therapy. today was for a usual one-on-one walk around the building beautiful outside landscape.

as you and dr. jaeger walk around, you wave to the other clients with their own therapists. “see how social you’ve gotten? when we first came here, you were begging to stay back inside due to all the people,” he jokes around. “now, you’re friendly with them. it’s good progress.” he smiles to himself. 

“it was only because of you, dr. jaeger. i don’t think i’d be the way i am without your help.” 

“ah. . . don’t flatter me too much. let’s sit right here yea?” he says pointing towards the swinging wood benches. “it’s beautiful outside, isn’t it ms. y/l/n?” he turns to look at you. 

“yea, it really is.” you turn back to stare at him. god, you can stare into his eyes for hours. it’s something that about that were so addicting, that you couldn’t look away if you wanted to. to break the silence, you decided to follow up with a cheeky comment. “say dr. jaeger, you really know how to keep a client.” he moves his head to the side, confused. “i like to believe that my clients stay with my due to how i help them and not my looks.” ah fuck. it was not received well at all, and you just profusely apologized to him. 

“but, if my looks did make people stay, that wouldn’t be all too bad huh,” he says giving a hearty laugh. “but tell me now, ms y/l/n. does my looks make you stay?” you were at a loss for words. one part of you wanted to say “fuck yes” while another part of you wanted to say “absolutely not”. and you of course went with the latter. 

“whatever your answer is, it doesn’t bother me either way. . . but it looks like our time is up ms. y/l/n.” you look down at your phone for the time. it was up after he exclaimed. the two of you head back to his office to pick you up your stuff. 

that night later, you were chilling in your bed, getting ready to dose off. you however, couldn’t sleep without thinking about a fantasy. it didn’t matter what type, other than it having to be something interesting. you close your eyes, your mind shifting to dr. jaeger, and the moments between you two that drove you insane. like that one time he wore a turtle neck, showing off his clothed six-pack abs. you imagined yourself touching them, feeling the rock-hardness of them. you open your eyes again, looking around the room. to be honest, you haven’t.. you know what, in a while and you thought it might be time to do it again. 

you move your bedsheets closer to the edge to give you more space. and moved all your pillows away except for one. you pulled your phone out and started to record. it might seem weird to other people, but you like to record yourself, in the time that you couldn’t find anything good on twitter or reddit. 

you start to rock your hips back n forth on the pillow, assuming it the body of a male. maybe it was dr. jaeger body you could’ve been assuming it off. either way, it turned you on, seeing how you started to move faster on your pillow. one of your hands grip the pillow, as the other hand massages your boob. you move faster, enjoying the friction your clit is getting between the pillow and your soaked panties. you close your eyes, imagining dr. jaeger guiding your body with his big, veiny hands. as you’re about to climax, you can’t help but subtly whimper his name. 

once you’ve finished, you end the video. while you’re cleaning up, sasha enters the room. “hey girlie, i was thinking of getting some drinks tomorrow night? wanna come?” she says exciting. “i would but i have a session with dr. jaeger tomorrow.” 

“boo, you’re boring.” 

“whatever, i’m going to the shower, so let me know if anything happens ok?” 

“yea yea boring y/n.” 

you go to the bathroom and take off your clothes, hopping inside the shower. you turn on the water, letting the lukewarm water hit your skin. you are alone with your thoughts until sasha comes inside the bathroom. 

“not to be nosey, but dr. jaeger texted you.” she says. 

“mhm really? what did he say?” 

“i didn’t look at it properly, but something about a daily wellness video?” you knew right away. dr. jaeger usual makes his clients make videos of themselves with positive affirmations, then with their consent, he’ll use it on his website for future clientele. 

“ahh ok! just send him the most recent video.” you photo gallery takes forever to update, so there’s a chance it’ll take forever to show the video of your “naughty time”. 

“ok, sending right now… and it’s sent. if he wants a further conversation, i’ll let you know.” 

“thanks sash.” 

as you walk out the steamy bathroom, and get ready for bed, you check your notifications for any new ones. you go into the chat between you and dr. jaeger, seeing if theres anything new. you took a look at the video of your affirmation, seeing the shirt you wore today as the thumbnail. you clicked on it, expecting your face to zoom out, as you were testing the camera quality always. to your shock, you camera didn’t zoom out. but instead was your body moving back and forth on something. your heart dropped. it couldn’t be. you’re praying it wasn’t. you skip some of the video to see if it was truly what you think it was, but the video suddenly changed to a more in-depth shot of you humping the pillow with your panties being in view. 

your heart start to beat faster than usual. you click off the video to delete it right away. dr. jaeger didn’t respond to it, and it said it was ‘delivered.’ you wanted to tell yourself that he hasn’t seen it, and probably watches those videos early in the morning. you weren’t going to stress yourself out though, you were just gonna go to his office per usual, and get counseling per usual.

— 

you take a deep breath and knock at his door, hoping it all ends well. you hear his “come in” but it sounds different from before. his voice went an octave lower. you walk into the room, seeing a more “messy” side of dr. jaeger. at-least he didn’t look at cleaned up as he usually does. his bun was a lot more frizzy from before and he had two buttons undone on his button up shirt. 

maybe he had a rough morning. you think to yourself. “good morning ms. y/l/n. how was your night?” you stopped for a second. such a simple question was something so dangerous to you. “it was fine, dr. jaeger. how about yours?” 

“oh. one of the best i’ve had in a while.” 

“ah. mine was the worst i’ve had in a while.” you mumbled. 

“really? i would’ve assumed you’ve had a very nice night ms. y/l/n.” 

you stare at him confused. what could he mean by that? yea, you fixed your hair a little better than usual, and your eye bags have gone away overtime, but you truly did have a sleepless night yesterday. dr. jaeger gets up from his chair, to lean on his desk, standing in-front of you. he stared down at you with his usually lighter colored eyes now displayed a dark-green. and his pupils were more extended. 

“i don’t know what gives you the impression that i’ve had a nice night dr. jaeger.” 

he bends to to match the height of the chair, and put both of his hands on the rest, restricting me from mounting off of it easily. “let’s cut the crap, y/n. i saw what you sent me.” at this moment, it felt like 100 daggers were suddenly lodged into your chest. 

“i wondered why you asked what you did yesterday. i thought to myself ‘maybe she thought i was attractive’, but i see it was more than that i see,” he says not breaking eye contact. “you see, as a human, we see something we like, and have many kinds of thoughts about it. and i see the thoughts you have towards me are stronger than what i expected.” 

“i’m truly sorry dr. jaeg-“ 

“call me eren, seeing as that is what you called me in the video.” 

“i’m sorry eren, truly. i don’t want to do anything to make you uncomfortable or hurt this relationship between us.” i say holding back my tears. 

“hurt? uncomfortable? those words are out of the park right now,” he says standing up. “to be honest, tell me why you came today y/n.” 

“to have a therapy session with you.” you meekly say.

“is my looks standing in the way of you healing with the death of your mother?” he says standing behind me. 

“not at all, dr. jae- eren.” 

“so then what provoked you to send me a five minute long video of you fucking yourself to a pillow in the imagination that it’s me?” you were at a loss for words. he was right. your heart sank as his word dug deeper into you. and you couldn’t hold back your tears anymore. you started to quietly sob, feeling large hands down your shoulders. you feel a hot breath near your eyes chill down your spine. “don’t cry, not in this manner at least,” he says in your ear. 

“cry because you can’t handle it, y/n.” 

you stopped and turned to look at him. he had a devilish grin on his face. “handle what?” you say, not catching his gist. 

“you’ll find out soon enough.”

eren lifts you up by the arm and spins you around to face him completely. you didn’t know what was going on, but you didn’t want to push away. your faces was a mere 4 inches away from each other. “can i? y/n. . . can i give you what you want?” 

you look at his eyes then his lips then his eyes again. fuck it, you nod your head and eren kisses you passionately. he stops kissing you for a moment to push the chairs aside. you look at his desk to see his usually messy papers cleaned up to the side. he planned this probably . . . eren picks you up and places you on his desk. 

he places a hand on your chin, rubbing it gently. “open it baby,” he says as his kisses you again, but placing his tongue all over the inside of your mouth. his hands tug on the bottom of your shirt, signaling for it to be removed. in between each kiss, you both take off a piece of clothing until you up to your undergarments. eren slips his large hand under your breast, fondling with it while he leaves wet hickeys on your neck. with the other hand he unclasps the bra, throwing it the ground. he kisses you again, muttering “nice tits”.

you pull at the band of his underwear, “want you in me ren’.” you whine. “patience baby.” eren says sliding your panties off to the floor. 

“are you on any pills by any chance?”, he says rubbing ur slick all over your cunt. “m-mhm ren.’”

“good. so i don’t have to hold back.” 

eren slips his underwear off, revealing his long, veiny and girthy dick. you want to guess it’s around 6-7 inches, but it was gonna tear you up regardless. he strokes his dick, ‘lubing’ it up with his pre-cum. he inches closer to you, having his dick and your hole just one insert away from each other. you open your legs wider and lay down on his desk, giving him more access to yourself. “didn’t even have to ask.” eren said.

he teases the tip of his dick on your clit. your whole body tingles in response, arching your back off the cold desk. “please ren’…” you beg, desperately wanting his dick buried into you. “please fuck me eren.” 

“as you wish.” with that, eren aligns himself with your entrance, slowly pushing himself in. the both of you moan simultaneously from the pleasure you both felt. eren starts to push his hips back and forth into you, keeping a firm grip on your waist. eren keeps a nice pace, making sure to satisfy both sides. suddenly, eren lifts your legs, wrapping them around his waist. you jolted from the tingle he gave you. you were trying to conceal your moans, but every time it was getting louder than usual, eren made sure put his hand over your mouth.

eren’s pace starts to unstable, moving fast at times and then slowing down to grind himself on you. you can tell he was close to his climax, seeing how desperate and shaky thrusts were. 

“‘m so close baby. . .” he grunts. 

“‘ren please! mhm.” you whine, begging him to release. 

“at the same time? what a good girl..” he barely breathes out. 

eren picks you up by the waist to pull you closer to him. there wasn’t enough space between you too, but he didn’t care. eren grinds his dick into you, feeling his dick throb in your walls. then, you feel a warm liquid pour inside of you, while at the same time cry out from your orgasm. 

[greenesmyfavcolor]

I got to see Wicked Part 1 yesterday so here’s a little review of it! Spoilers for the movie and Wicked in general if you have not seen it yet! (which YOU SHOULD)

I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned this before on here but I’m actually a super big fan of Wicked (I mean, who isn’t though, right?) I first got into it when I was around 12 and since then, I’ve seen bootlegs of it tens of hundreds of times, collected all sorts of things such as shirts, cds, posters, pins, books (yes I even read that book lol), and I even had the privilege of seeing it on Broadway a couple years back. It also got me into Kristin Chenoweth who I actually got to see in concert too! (No disrespect to the other queen ofc)

So basically, I went into this movie ready to be real critical if need be since Wicked holds a special place in my heart and I didn’t want anything in this to be a downgrade from the stage musical.

That being said, Wicked Part 1 was one of the best movie musicals I’ve ever seen. I loved, loved, LOVED LITERALLY everything about it!!! Everything from the songs, to the acting, choreography, set design, cinematography, you name it, it was PERFECT.

The one thing I was really worried about going into it was the pacing since the movie is two and a half hours long compared to Act 1 of the stage show which is only about an hour. But honestly, nothing felt dragged out and there were no unnecessary scenes added to bloat things. Everything went at a completely natural pace, definitely slower compared to the stage show but it made sense and it’s definitely not the first movie musical adaptation to do this. Because it was at a slower pace, it made the characters and scenes feel more fleshed out compared to the stage musical which was great to see.

The music was also on POINT. I had no doubts that Cynthia and Ariana were going to be anything less than amazing, and of course they didn’t disappoint. But there’s been so many movie musicals lately that just straight up don’t have good music in them? Like, the one thing you’re supposed to get right, they can’t even get that right. It’s definitely gotten better over the past couple years but most of them still aren’t as good as they could be. And as someone who’s lived and breathed the original Broadway cast album for years, I can see myself choosing to listen to the movie’s soundtrack over the Broadway’s any day. Some parts just scratch my brain better so to speak than they do in the original like “dear Galinda you are just too good how do you stand it I don't think I could” in What Is this Feeling? or “who's the mage whose major itinerary is making all Oz merrier” in One Short Day. Now I’m probably still gonna end up listening to the Broadway version the majority of the time, mainly out of nostalgia, but the movie’s is 100% on par with the original’s, no questions asked. The ensemble especially just blew me away with how clear and distinct everyone sounded, particularly during No One Mourns the Wicked and One Short Day. As they should though! We’ve become too sensitized to movie musicals today having muted and flavorless or just straight up bad voices in them that it was so refreshing to hear actual good, strong singing voices in a musical.

One big criticism I’ve heard most people having with the movie though is that the lighting is too bright and that the colors are faded and bland. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve gotten used to just about every live action movie nowadays looking like this but it really didn’t bother me when I watched it. Obviously, I would have preferred for the colors to pop more like they do in the 1939 Wizard of Oz. And the thing is, there is one moment where the colors do pop during the end of Popular and it looks SO good and like the whole movie should have been like that. But personally, it doesn’t hender my experience as much as it does with other people to the point where I can easily just ignore it.

Moving on, let me tell you, I cried so many times throughout the whole thing it’s not even funny. Now, I cry nearly every time I watch Wicked but it’s impressive that it was able to let me capture the EXACT same feelings I have when I watch a slime tutorial of it, or heck, even when I watched it on freaking Broadway itself. One notable scene was during No One Mourns the Wicked where before, I never truly took into account of how hurt Glinda must feel to try and hide all the pain and regret she’s feeling on the inside in front of everyone. But seeing the anguish on her face when she had to light the statue of Elphaba on fire SENT ME. It’s not something you can really pick up on a stage fifty feet away from you so seeing all the emotions on her face up close really choked me up. Another time was when Elphaba and Glinda dance together. Seeing Elphaba cry (which were real tears by Cynthia btw) for being truly accepted for the first time in her life really moved me like no other time I’ve watched that scene as, like I’ve said before, you can’t see the nuance of their faces on a far away stage. And of course, Defying Gravity had me bawling like a baby. It always does, but like I said before, it was able to capture the same feeling I had as when I saw it live on stage, it was incredible.

Also, I was totally NOT expecting Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth to appear the way they did! I knew they were going to make some sort of cameo, it was inevitable, but I thought they were just going to have a couple of lines to say or something. But NOPE! They straight up have their own new part to sing during One Short Day that COMPLETELY caught me off guard. I legit almost screamed in the theater 🤣 But yeah, that moment was really special and made me smile cause I could see just how much not only they enjoyed being there with all the little homages they made, but how much you could tell the other actors just absolutely adored being around them. And even if you went into this not knowing who they were beforehand (which how could you), you could tell that they were supposed to be a big deal based on their presence alone and Cynthia and Ariana’s chemistry with them.

So to conclude this long, drawn out review that I’d be impressed if anyone actually read all the way through, I think it’s of perfect of an adaptation as it could have been and it will definitely go down as being one of the best movie musicals of all time. Obviously if you’ve seen just a glimpse of me, you’d know that I already have an all time favorite, and that’s not changing anytime soon, but I’d be lying if I said Wicked didn’t come scarily close to topping it (not too close tho lol). I’m literally so shocked at how good this adaptation ended up being. I fear this is going to be my new personality for the next few months as it’s definitely reignited my love for Wicked again 😭

I absolutely cannot wait for Part 2 to come out next year so in the meantime, I will happily be rewatching Part 1 over and over again until then as it is THE definitive version of Wicked to watch now 💚🩷

[these-written-reveries]

➡ Mutuals, followers, and anyone else with a sense of humanity, please read this! Especially if you've been avoiding what's been happening in Palestine! This is partially me expressing my thoughts/feelings, but I do have a good point and helpful links at the end!

I have to say I am so heartbroken and disappointed to see people here actively choosing to engage in their own privilege and turning a blind eye to this tragedy. Apparently even boosting posts by reblogging is too much?

And of course, many of these people are white and have never experienced the world outside of their own white privilege and individualistic mindset (which stems directly from white supremacy/capitalism), so the thought of having to break out of that and feel uncomfortable for the sake of trying to help other people that aren't like them is like asking them to cut off their fucking arm. Meanwhile, people of color across the world have been doing so much to try to push for change, even though it was the white powers of the world who started this mess and are continuing to support it. If anything, as white people, we have an even stronger responsibility to clean up the mess our ancestors started. ESPECIALLY when our corrupt white leaders refuse to stand up and do the right thing. It is unfortunate and unfair that the responsibility lands on us everyday people to try to stop a literal genocide, but it is the reality of our present times. And we must do the right thing!

Because what happens if we all don't contribute to this? What happens if this movement for change fizzles out bc people decide to turn away from it bc it's hard/uncomfortable/scary? Well, not only will Palestinians be potentially wiped out of existence, but our world as we know it will stand no chance at ever changing. If we don't come together as humans and form community (locally & internationally), if we don't stand by our fellow siblings from other parts of the world and fight for their lives/freedom, change will never happen. And we need change, on so many levels. Do you guys really think this doesn't affect you? It affects ALL OF US. If not now, then it will later. If we can't even come together against a genocide of people, how are we ever gonna be able to stand together for any other movement of change?

This is OUR responsibility, as humans, as people. Many of our world leaders and people in power lack humanity, but that doesn't mean we don't. Right? Please prove me right here. Because seeing some of my mutuals agreeing with posts about people saying "you don't have to engage in what's going on or try to help if it makes you uncomfy, guys 🥺" is so disheartening. And let me be clear, I am not encouraging you to doomscroll all day and throw away your personal lives and cause yourselves to mentally spiral and burn yourselves out (possibly even more than you already are). What each of us is capable of doing to help this movement is gonna look different, depending on the person. But doing something is better than nothing at all. And yes, if you have any empathy in your hearts, you are going to feel pain and heartache and rage over what is happening in Palestine. Good! Use those feelings to continue to push for change! Let's actually make good use of our humanity and our privilege!

Here are some small, but impactful ways to help:

BOOST POSTS (don't just like them, reblog! This helps more than you think it does, even if you don't have many followers! It's about making noise and not allowing social media to suppress our voices!) Tag them with things such as #palestine #free palestine #gaza #free gaza

Contact your representatives/government! (The US and Europe sites provided will write an automatic script for you, but you can also find a pre-written script for your country here if you don't know where to begin with writing your own!)

United States (At the end of the script, you should add something along the lines of "If you do not stand with Palestine and vote to stop funding Israel, I will not be voting for you next election.")

Europe (click on your country at the top of the page and it'll tell you who your representatives are, how to reach them, and provide a script that you can copy and paste!)

Australia

Canada

3. Take part in the BDS movement by choosing not to support as many brands on this list as you can!

4. Donate (free option included!)

Click the button on this site (can be done once every 24 hours) and you will be helping to donate to Palestinians for free! Every click takes money from the sponsors who support this cause and gives it to Palestinians. (I plan on setting an alarm every day to remind me to press this button, and I suggest you do too!)

If you have money to spare for this cause, donate to the Palestine Children's Relief Fund!

5. Finally, learn what you can, even in small doses! This guide gives great info on the past/present regarding Palestine and provides lots of sources! This is perfect if you're interested in learning more, but don't know where to begin.

Bottom line: it doesn't take a whole lot of effort to take action and contribute to this movement. Small action is still action and -with enough of it- can lead to big change! The hardest part is working to unwind/unlearn/recognize our individualistic mindsets and our privilege and choosing to do and be better! Change is only possible if we all do our part to make it happen. So let's make it happen! ❤️

[specialmouse]

If being transgender is inherently reinforcing gender roles, then isn't transitioning as a transgender woman also inherently sexist? I ask this in good faith as a closeted transgender woman who doesn't want to transition in order to avoid reinforcing misogynistic values.

I think first and foremost it's important to understand that misogyny is baked into almost every facet of (at least my and many others') society. Cis women are not somehow magically not sexist for being "female" just as "males" aren't biologically predetermined to be sexist. It's just what happens when we live in a patriarchy. We all suffer for it because of how it's structured. Please don't take what I said as reasons not to transition. Anything you do within a gendered society is going to be reinforcing gender roles/expectations to a certain extent. I view gender as a construct that doesn't NEED to be around, yet still is incredibly pervasive and will continue to be for tens of thousands of years, if not the rest of human existence. There's nothing you or I can do to change that, on a fundamental level. When I, as a closeted transgender man, wear makeup and low-cut tops and lower my voice around men, etc., I am also enforcing gender roles. I'm doing what I feel like I need to in order to be treated better by those around me. It doesn't make it more righteous or fair because I'm a "female" and less so for you because you're "male". What you would be doing as a transgender woman by transitioning is no different, and in some ways it is even more important for you to adhere to those roles for your own safety, as deviation from the "norm" stands out to people, makes you more visible.

Forgive me if this is undue projection, but I understand the feeling of... almost interloping into a community that may or may not view you as an oppressor. As a closeted transgender gay man who 100% presents as a cishet woman in day to day life, it worries me that I'm somehow fetishizing gay men and their (our?) struggles and joys because I haven't experienced what most of them have. That's not my fault, I didn't choose to be like this. It's important to realize that there are facets of this community you don't understand that are important to a lot of people, and you should learn them. Here's the thing, though: transgender people have been around for tens of thousands of years, in different forms under different names. Contemporarily, I believe we are in a time where we are under more scrutiny than ever before, and we turn that inwards on ourselves as well. So, as someone who is female, or whatever, you are not being sexist by transitioning. You have one life, and that life should be spent doing what makes you feel best, not adhering to some people's moral codes. It's good that you're aware of the fact that you could harbor some sexist ideas, especially growing up "male" in a patriarchal society you are told certain things that could engrain themselves in you later on, but then again so does literally everyone else. Some of the most sexist people I've ever met have been cisgender women. And once you do transition, you lose that "male privilege" almost immediately. It's entirely conditional.

The only people that truly think the act of transitioning is sexist are TERFs, who have a very black-and-white view of the world on "biological" lines. Does biological, sex-based oppression exist? Yes, in varying intensities around the world. Does that mean that you being more feminine, going on estrogen, getting SRS, etc., is part of that? Of course not, it never has been. I want to make that very clear.

I hope this answer makes sense, I'm really tired but I wanted to answer this in good faith for you. I struggle a lot with the "morality" of my transition and have recently come to the conclusion that it doesn't fucking matter. We are going to die, perhaps sooner than we thought. Grow your hair out, make your voice higher, put some lipstick on whether in your bathroom or out in public, if that feels good to you. Go by another name, kiss someone who likes girls. You are not a bad or sexist person for doing that, not even close.

[hyenahunt]

Obbligato: The Devotion to Tatsumi Kazehaya - 5

Writer: Akira

Season: Spring, three years ago

Characters: Jun, Kaname, Tatsumi

Proofreading: Remi + 310mc (JP) & honeyspades (ENG)

Translation: Peace & hyenahunt

Jun: Hah! So you mean we all have no chance of success and just get to spend our lives getting bossed around like slaves, huh? Reimei Academy's fucking incredible!

Location: Reimei Academy's Labour Camp

Time: Evening, that day.

Jun: Hmm... So basically, this guy isn't a Special Student anymore?

Kaname: .....

Jun: Some scandal happened during the filming of a movie or a show, and he either pissed off or got on the wrong side of the higher-ups, and he lost his role...

Kaname: .....

Jun: So going along with what the bigshots wanted, Reimei Academy temporarily stripped HiMERU of his Special Student title.

And now he's so sad and upset about it he went nuts and had a little cryfest in here just now. That's the long and short of it, huh, Kazehaya-senpai?

Tatsumi: Yes. While HiMERU-san hasn’t told me what happened exactly, I've more or less grasped the situation due to various things I've heard from others.

In any case, it feels as if there's been a high level of damage control about what's going on, so it's hard to understand what happened exactly.

All that is clear is that, yes, HiMERU-san did something which caused the temporary loss of his Special Student title.

As such, he has also been stripped of the private quarters given to those with such privilege, and thus has found himself within the walls of this Labour Camp instead.

Jun: This is the first time I've ever heard of a Special Student losing their title... What exactly did he even do? Did he deck some bigwig in the face or something~?

Tatsumi: I wonder... It's only natural that this is all that the students know. However, the teachers' knowledge regarding it is limited as well.

On the other hand, I've been fielding non-stop questions myself, all of which ask the very same thing: What did HiMERU-san even do?

As it stands, I have no way to answer them.

From the reaction of the public, it would seem that HiMERU-san did something that was strictly taboo in the entertainment world.

Jun: Tattoo?

Tatsumi: Taboo. In other words, something prohibited by social norms.

Jun: Your words are kinda goin' over my head, Kazehaya-senpai...

Tatsumi: My apologies. While I strive to do what I can to make my words understandable... if they're unable to reach you, then they're no better than the cry of an animal.

Jun: Well, I've more or less gotten the gist of it, at least~ To sum it up, HiMERU basically went and did some shit he really shouldn't have done, huh?

Tatsumi: That is my own personal theory, yes.

Jun: If that's what happened outta the blue, you've got me curious, y'know. What exactly didja do, HiMERU?

C'mon, I'll keep it a secret if ya tell me, y'know? How'd ya make the higher-ups totally lose it?

I don't wanna make the same mistake and set them off, so you oughta share all that info with the class, yeah?

Kaname: .....

Please refrain from speaking to me so casually. You'll infect me with your Non-Special Student cooties.

I'm not a good-for-nothing idiot like the rest of you.

Jun: 'Scuse me? Literally in what way are we different? We're both at the very bottom of the barrel, aren't we? We're sitting in the same Labour Camp wearing the same jersey and eating the same shitty food, in case ya haven't noticed!

Tatsumi: Is my food truly so disgusting...?

Jun: Ah— I only mean that as a figure of speech! Kazehaya-senpai, your cooking's the best, for real! I meant to say it was stinky, not shitty, kinda like the stuff you'd eat in a prison!

Tatsumi: Haha. If this were prison, then you all would be released so long as you remained patient enough to fulfill the labor asked of you. At the end of it all, you would be allowed to live in the same brilliantly shining world that the Special Students do.

Jun: Real life's nothing like that, though~ The walls here are so high that if you were to fall even once, you'd spend the rest of your life tryna climb back up.

Tatsumi: You mustn't lose hope, Jun-san. So long as you believe in such a world and work hard towards it, then one day you will be rewarded.

... Though, it isn't as if Reimei Academy's structure makes it particularly welcome to such sentiments.

HiMERU-san losing his rights as a Special Student is unusual, however. Nor have I ever heard of anyone becoming a Special Student if they were not already enrolled as one.

Jun: Hah! So you mean we all have no chance of success and just get to spend our lives getting bossed around like slaves, huh? Reimei Academy's fucking incredible!

Well, maybe that's just how it is in actual corporate life, too. You know, born a nobody and die a nobody and all that.

Tatsumi: Now, now, don't sulk... You're still young, Jun-san. You should look to the future with bright eyes, towards the hope that lies aplenty before you.

Jun: Hey, you're young too, Kazehaya-senpai. What's up with your old man act?

Actually, in your case I should say you act all mature, huh? You're always so calm and reliable~ No one would think you're only a year older than me.

Tatsumi: Is that so? Perhaps I’ve spent so much time around the elderly that I’ve begun to act like them too.

Oh, dear... I just remembered, I must leave for the catacombs soon.

Jun: Not again. You went last night and didn't come back 'til this morning, didn'tcha?

Tatsumi: Haha. As the one who founded them, it is only right that I take care of them, isn't it?

If ever you are interested in dropping by, Jun-san, please do so. And bring HiMERU-san as well, if possible.

Jun: What? Why him?

Dude, wasn't he sitting on top of ya with his hands 'round your neck when I came in?

If anything, I'd rather chase a dangerous guy like him right outta here, y'know?

Tatsumi: It was merely an accident, that's all. HiMERU-san happened to fall, and my body was there to catch him. Isn't that right?

Kaname: .....

Tatsumi: If it was done with ill intent in mind, I forgive you. I don't mind what happened one bit, but if possible I'd like to get along with you from here on out, HiMERU-san.

Kaname: .....

Tatsumi: Haha. Now then, I'll be off. ♪

♪~♪~♪

Jun: (Welp, there he goes... Kazehaya-senpai's as mysterious as ever — to this day I still can't tell what he's thinking.)

(And HiMERU feels like a ticking time bomb himself... Ugh, I feel like even more weird shit's gonna happen again.)

Jun: (All the same, I guess I'd prefer this to the usual daily routine of doing nothing but soul-crushing chores.)

✦✦✦✦✦

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[away-ward]

Got some points to share :) What i dont understand the most is the fandom's hypocrisy of demanding emmy to be so accommodating to will despite her circumstances (even in the present) as if he was not one of the MOST PRIVILEGED WHITE MAN in his town or county, and most of the shit he got into was his own fault. He had old money WEALTH. Old. Money. Wealth. And he was also supported by the society AND institution, how is the fandom making him look like HE was the one who suffered most here? So much wealth that emmy didnt have, and yet he never spent a single cent to contact her again even after he saw her bruised and bloodied, yet the fandom expected her to come back to him? Like this guy prioritised his hurt feelings over her rejection rather than her ACTUAL HEALTH AND SAFETY knowing that nobody in that town gave a fuck about her at all. Will can spend all his inheritance and his mommy and daddys money on booze, alcohol, parties, sex parties, women, escort services, big cars, helicopter rides, YET he couldnt be there for emmy? Not even a call? A free email? Right. Sorry, but emory scott always deserves better to me, not will grayson. If i was emory, i woudve hurt her more ngl, im kinda vengeful with whiny bitches like will grayson. I cant stand him. I just knew that the reason why this fandom likes to pile on emmy because: 1. she admitted her fault and took responsibility of her actions unlike will, 2. She made it clear he didnt owe her anything (even when will himself said he shouldve staye) and didnt think she was entitled to will unlike will to emmy, 3. Its easier to sympathise over a sad white privileged guy after everything he did or didnt do to "his woman" because RoMaNce where if they can read about him simping about her in his mind, he was immediately ABSOLVED OF ALL GUILT AND WRONGDOINGS TO EMMY. But the devils night fandom is not ready for this take. Also because 4. when they said they like dark romance, they can only take shitty men like michael and damon, but hate it when the sex and gender was the opposite. My point is, its dark romance, if will can be shit, why cant emmy? Period. I dont even care if they get even at that point.

Thanks to this fandom, i thought about alex, this useless side character more than i had to so i had to. I'm also an alex hater through and through and i agree with a lot of anon and your points about alex here. In fact, i love the alex slander actually because putting aside some valid criticisms about how a lot of twitter dn fans are just misogynistic towards her because of their bias towards emmy, there are actually a lot of valid points why alexs character was just icky and you and that anon are the only ones that i have seen so far that have the same take as me. They like to dismiss our takes with "oh its an emory scott fans thats why, its the jealousy" like huh? First of all, why didnt yall talk about wills hypocrisy of sleeping around with everyone in a skirt but was jealous as fuck of damon and aydin bonds with emmy? Yeah, right. Second of all, even emory can be rational when willalex were giving her shit, just because emmy was emotional in those moments, doesnt mean she was irrational. She was literally kidnapped to an abandoned island with no one there to help her and will made it clear he didnt give a fuck about her and reminded her how she was nothing to him. Alex who was supposedly her "friend" wanted her to stay and help will as if she had no other job and responsibilities outside of will. Why would she stay? Shes not even rich, she gotta go back home and pay her bills. Stupid argument honestly. Tbh, My dislike for alex was not even because of her relationship with Will. They both owed emmy nothing, even em knew this. A big part of the fandom hates alex because of this willalexs take but i personally dont agree with this take tbh. Instead of blaming alex on this, the argument between alexemmy started because it was on will, and even aydin to a certain extent, for being a fucking loser of a man, and for pitting two women against each other.

But i also wanna just say to these people who defended alex palmer so much: lets not act as if alex never had a history of laughing at other women when SHE was being put on a pedestal, instead of someone else (especially with michael to rika in corrupt, and damon to winter in kill switch) either. Like rika, banks, winter, and alexs relationship started with misogyny. LIKE LITERALLY. Only alexemmys relationship started with a bonding OUTSIDE of being pitted against one another no matter how weird the circumstances was. Even then, theyre still just on acquaintances level yk. And i feel like alex felt challenged and angry at emmy in nightfall because she thought emmy was better than her (alex chose to believe because her shallow world had not allowed her to think about anything else as long as it justified her anger. She also probably was jealous and look at emmys situation and think emmy didnt have to do anything but all these men were going to jail for her, suddenly being her brothers and protective of her, bonding with the guys or smth like that, and later have access to so much wealth, ad compared to her who had been an escort etc., yet still she had nothing. Its totally irrationally personal, her anger towards emmy was not rational at all). Its the jealousy and inferiority speaking tbh.

Look at the way aydins ex, rika, banks, thunders bay people etc. talk to her? Like shit. Whether its in front or behind her back. Now did this misogyny happened for alexemmy's friendship? Nope! Best girl Emory Scott thats right! Even rika, banks and winter had slutshamed alex and other women with various degrees, but look at the way emmy talk about sex workers? (These girls too grew up with so much isogyny so understandably, they had to unlearn and relearn a lot. Theyre so different in nightfall, love that for them tbh). Like heavens and earth and i think its easier for people like alex to accept being treated like shit because unhealthy female relationship and rivalry was what she was always used to, and she always had to be the person to initiate being the "cool girl who'll just roll with everything", especially with her relationship with banks) that when she found a healthy and supportive female friend that didnt start like shit, and would ACTUALLY take her side instead of their man (will or aydin), she was kinda shocked and became stupid, not knowing how to react to it in a kinder manner. Its like a defense mechanism. Alex never rose her voice to rika, banks and winter, unlike what she did to emmy and its because she probably never felt challenged by them because their men still paid for her services so what can these women do much to her really + she never saw aydin took interest in them like he did with emmy (disregarding the manipulation aside, im trying to make people understand her possible pov). This is why woman should have healthy female relationships! No one wants to be like corrupt rika, pre-marriage banks/ winter and nightfall alex! No one wants to admit that alex too, just everyone else, had internalised misogyny. I dont think anyone ever noticed the nuances really, alex hid it too well, but it shone through in her lowest moments unlike emmy. Because when emmy was at her lowest, she never humiliate alex to step on her like what alex did to emmy in blackchurch or on the train, but emmy straight up attack will (verbally) because why would she attack alex? Will was the one who hurt emmy not alex. But aydin attacked alex, and its emmys fault that alexs man was shitty? She was so wrong for that. Emmy never even shame her throughout nightfall, so this only highlights how different emmy's character in this series. Ngl, i think only Emory is the true girls' girls in this series. *Side note, Alexaydin, sigh... such fucking cowards this couple tbh.

Wasnt it also mentioned in conclave that alex had a fall out with her ex's roommate and then she was labelled "the slut" as if the three of them were not being stupid horny college students together, but alex was the only person who be the bad guy. That must have caused a lot of resentment in her because then she just became an escort not only to support her education and lifestyle, but also to use it against aydin. How does that even compare to emmy's pain, honestly! Theyre literally not the same and the fandom always like to dismiss em's pain just because em looked at her highly even when the text in the books shows otherwise. Alex couldve quit her job anytime now, she didnt need the money anymore, she did it for personal fun, sexual liberation and revenge against aydin. And now that when she went through the SAME THING that she did to other women by laughing at them and got treated like shit back, wow suddenly, emmys seen as a bitch? Huh? Emmy never even laughed at her face or looked down on her unlike others, not even once in nightfall unlike rika, banks or even winter, so i believe alexs stupid shit in nightfall was really out of inferiority complex and jealousy. Like "shes better than me thats why i had to put her down" kinda complex. The hypocrisy was too much but i dont think anyone really noticed this. Thats why alexs character was shit to me because her arc was so??? Where did this misogyny came from? But then when i think again and piece her story from the start, it made sense because to a certain extent, alex probably had looked down at all these rich people (including women bcs if her ex roommate) with their rich problems and then she met emmy, who didnt fit in with these stereotypes she had about people of thunder bay, and she had heard a lot of good things about em from will prob, so her sex worker card that she likes to use against these people suddenly dont work anymore because she realised that she wasnt the only one suffering. She cant best her, so in her moment of anger, she had to step over emmy in front of everyone but really, it just proves how nasty of a person she is and shownhow ugly her jealousy can be. Thats why she couldnt argue back with emmy after. She fucked up, but no one really noticed this because her misogyny wasnt so blatant like those in corrupt, hideaway and kill switch. What i also dont understand is how she always talk as if she was a victim EVERY. DAMN. TIME. Her speeches in corrupt, conclave and nightfall just solidified alexs characterisation. I cant stand her tbh, all of alexrika conversations really rot my brain lmao, because they always give these two stupid friends talking about eveyrthing and nothing vibes.

Since this is dark romance, i can understand if pd wants to put a character like alex, or any women really to be shit, but alexs fans didnt have to act like the annoyance towards her was because people cant stand willalex, as if alex herself was a snow white who can do no wrong or something, when she was proven that she did, was shitty sometimes. Like her mary sue character was even worse than rika 😭🤣 And the thing is, if everyone, even emmy, was so morally righteous, none of them would be the horsemens family. The fact that these women are their partners, everyones already guilty just by association, like what emmy said to alex in the train. So why put alex or anyone from dn, on such a high pedestal so much? (Alex is kinda Like kai in her morally right shit, but she just got more fleck for it). Even i admit that emmy wasnt always a nice girl either but i wasnt delusional like alex and her fans tbh. Ugh, so annoying. Hopefully the bonus contents we're gonna get by pd soon only has exclusive willemmy contents for willemmy. or i will riot!!

Yeah, some of the readers need to re-evaluate their perspective. But I really don’t want to convince anyone to see things my way so…

hopefully they stay wherever they’re at. As I’ve said before, I haven’t involved myself with any of the discourse or in-fighting in the fandom, so I’m not sure what they’re arguing over, but it sounds like a waste of energy and time. I mean, I get it’s willemmy vs willalex, but…like. Ugh could you imagine making that the center of your fandom experience? Horrible.

You make a good point about the start of the friendship between Alex and Emory. I’ve never been…happy (?) with how it started, because it involved Alex making a whole lot of assumptions about Emory and being right…because she’s Alex and she’s always right…of course. Otherwise, she wouldn’t be Alex. And then to have that be the one night they spend with each other, and suddenly Alex understands Emory like no one else. She gets her.

How?

Oh, right. It’s Alex. Enough said.

The idea that Alex couldn’t process anything that challenged her justifications for her anger because that would mean she’s wrong about something. It would be an actual flaw on her part. And that her feelings for Emory were borne a bit of jealousy. I’d have like if her character and went farther in that direction.

I think for my part, I always considered Alex’s main motive toward Emory was knowing that Will was still in love with her and that Emory had the power and ability to hurt him as she had before. She was protective of Will – “her reflection.” It’s nice to see another possibility/side of it. You make a good point. I guess I never considered Alex feeling inferior to Emory. Emory’s background being different from the people she’s surrounded herself with, to then see Emory rise above that and carry on, leaving Will behind like she probably saw Aydin rejecting her, and suddenly seeing the way Will and Aydin react to Emory might have made her feel small and like a stand-in, which she is for so many.

I agree that it’s a little out of bounds to compare Alex’s pain with Emory’s.

You said she couldn’t argue back with Emory and I’m not sure of the moment you’re talking about but the first thing that came to mind was “that’s my shirt”…like, girl. Girl. Are we being that pathetic right now? But yeah. Alex’s “justified” anger was weak. And her framing herself as the victim was annoying.

“If everyone, even emmy, was so morally righteous, none of them would be the horsemen’s family.” Yeah, exactly.

I had to put the book down and take a deep breath with Rika said “I had to remind myself we weren’t really criminals.” Or something like that. Excuse me, ma’am, but what? You’re not what now? Have you not been paying attention? You cannot erase the last three-to-four years.

Alex is like Kai in her moral superiority is not a take I thought I’d ever see but…there it is. Nice to see they have something in common.

I didn’t know we were getting any bonus content but you’re the second person who’s told me. I hope we get something good for NF.

[sparrowsage]

5!

What scene are you most proud of?

The scene I'm most proud of would have to be a scene from @darkthingshappen's day 23 Whumpter post 'At the end of their rope'. Damon is talking to Sparrow about a tattoo he had gotten in recovery and every line is so bone chilling, I'm still surprised I wrote it. The 2 paragraphs of dialog are under the cut, TW for implied noncon, future noncon, past noncon and torture.

"Alexsei made a very good point earlier about your tattoo,” Damon started, stopping right in front of Sparrow, a few inches between them. “Since we’re going to be adding some lovely marks to Jakey over there, I believe it would be lovely to teach you a little lesson on what you’re allowed to do when you’re not actively servicing me. Ever since you escaped, you began to think you had rights, that you were an equal member of society, but let me make this clear; you are nothing more than a fuck toy for my amusement alone. You have no rights, no say, no nothing. If I really wanted to, I could keep you locked in the basement here, in the cold and force feed you through a tube all while keeping you restrained, unable to move unless I’m fucking you. But, I’m kind with what little I give you.

“Logan did you a fucking favor when he killed Jayden because you aren’t supposed to have feelings. He was severing a link that wasn’t supposed to form. The only marks permitted to be on your body are to be left by me and anyone I see fit, and seeing as you forgot that, I think you need a reminder on where you fucking stand. What better way to remind you of your place than to have the only other person on this entire earth you truly fear take away what little privilege you thought you had?”

[cleliacleliadatura]

On adopting unique traits for survival....

My observation of Italian men, and people, while in Italy was never one of fear. Not one Italian man ever made me feel pressured, scared or hunted-including at "aperitivo" hour. Maybe I was just lucky not to be their type.

While there may be the stereotype of the Italian lover and a wandering eye and sun-soaked trysts that Hollywood loves to portray, my immersive moment in time with the Italian culture suggested a sense of safety-a down to earth approach to life that was not a cinema ready trope. Although one time I did wander too far and didn't have money for a bus ticket so I hitched a ride with a classically handsome Italian man on his Vespa. That was magical.

So refreshing.

When Jack made it clear he had moved on with another woman, I found myself riding random city buses with no destination in mind, sketch pad in hand during some evenings. I felt numb. Hurt, betrayed. The whole reason I chose this location to study and live was to be closer to him, in my foolish 20 year old mind, I should've known someone 8 years older than me had more serious objectives in mind than being a free spirit.

Reality sets in, though. I got fined a thousand euros for going on bus rides without paying for tickets. Still haven't paid it to this day.

That summer, Jack & I had worked on a project together. It was during this project he met his current wife. The warning signs were there, including me spending hours drawing telephones for an animation, only for it to barely make it in the final cut. The whole time, I was sitting there, with a streak of dyed blue hair, at a desk face to face with him, as he ran pencils up and down my legs flirting with me.

^our favorite song at the time (cue eye roll)....

The whole time, she had been there....at the show, where over a hundred people gathered to watch the final work, they took photos together standing side by side. He pretended as if I didn't exist.

Later in a one sentenced email where we officially broke it off, he said "It must be the magic of dancers"....in reference to why he betrayed me for her. How hurtful and twisted that felt, knowing only 5 years earlier I was that person. How I wished then and there I had chosen a completely different path in life, one that did not involve consulting therapists for medications that made me gain weight, because that's what American culture told me to do when you felt sad, even for two weeks. How I hated myself for choosing college instead of sticking with full commitment to the creative and performing arts. I didn't believe in myself, and the idea of being a "creator" online, where any person can give the illusion of success and fame was not commonplace. Then, it was real or it was not. In the flesh.

I was a complete fool. Blinded by my own youthful privilege of assuming honesty. When I look back, I think we were better suited as bandmates or coworkers, nothing more....He was a drummer afterall, can't trust drummers.

Thank God Regina Spektor had released a new album just that summer, her lamenting emotional music helped me feel less alone. To be honest, I haven't sung with the same passion as I did back then since this event. He used to film me singing, including one time at the Machipongo Clam Shack. He really believed in me, and his artistry and devotion to the creative world blended with a keen aptitude for technology inspired me, motivated me. Whenever I sang a song, it was my love for him that made the words flow with genuine intention. Now I feel like there's a lump in my throat, and a frog lives in my voicebox. Blocked. I once asked him if he would share all the videos he took of me singing, when I was younger and my voice was powerful. He completely ignored this request. Maybe it gave him satisfaction knowing that this one thing I desired, some evidence, wouldn't be so easy. My dream of being a singer required more than just saying it, I had to show it. He took some of that away by refusing to give the footage. I recall a moment where he came to visit the States and I could tell he judged me for my privilege in many ways, including being an american citizen-of knowing English so well. Life was a lot easier for Americans than the modern Italian man in the contemporary capitalist world. Especially for an aspiring artist and filmmaker. I can understand his feelings, he was right about this and many other things. I suppose it was his lesson to me, a bitter one. One that has repeated in my life in many ways, of people not really being happy for me when I'm doing the things that make me feel happiest. Maybe to a few important people in my life where I perceived this sentiment, it was because they felt I didn't truly deserve it. Get in a kitchen, go be a waitress. Get a real job, you're no artist.

One night, after coming up from the beach and catching the sun, with a dumb grin on my face, we had a dinner with family and friends. We were talking, laughing and in the middle of a sentence he pointed up towards my parent's bedroom window. He didn't say anything else but "It's because of Babo." He laughed. This was his way of letting me know he knew my secret, that most of my luck in this world was because of my Dad.

Jack told me once, "...we are all tiny grains of sand..." At the time, it was the most profound thing I'd ever heard. So different than the general attitude and culture I was used to, it made me uncomfortable. At first, I didn't like thinking we were just here for a temporary experience or existence, to face the reality of our personal insignificance in the cosmos. I thought in order to achieve we were supposed to hone a strong sense of individuality, to know thyself. To compete, stand out. Meeting him taught me to open my mind, to step outside of myself and what I knew to be true. When he left, it was as if all I did was retreat into an even more self-centered chrysalis of self-doubt.

I realize now his philosophy was very particular to Italian culture, of not taking up too much space, or more than necessary in order to survive. This is reflected in an ecological way straight into the cuisine and daily habits. In America, people like big, fast, fancy, rich, and opulent. To me, perhaps I am wrong, most Italians that I met valued simplicity. They didn't eat too much, they didn't waste a lot, their living spaces were not huge. Many in the city didn't have personal cars, maybe a rideshare (not Uber). Many got food from a local market, not a store, and went every few days to replenish on fresh produce and smaller bags of grain, pasta, a modest selection of formaggio or a cut of meat from the machelleria. I had many awkward conversations in broken Italian with elderly men puffing on cigars playing chess in the vibrant squares, some muttering about Mussolini and the evils of fascism. I loved the espresso bars, with forest green marble countertops and faded gold trims, where people stood at all hours of the day to get their doppio espresso in a tiny porcelain bicchiere. There was something about this area that drew me in, maybe a legacy of the mind's eye from the Carlo Petrini "Slow Foods Movement" and ensuing lifestyle. Not living to work, savoring the day to day. Recyling. Not always needing "new". This was then, who knows what it's like now or if perhaps what I observed was merely a reflection of what I was seeking.

Jack used to comment on my need to edit.

During the celebration in the streets I mentioned in the post about Mopsey, the seeing eye dog, not once did I ever feel unsafe. I wasn't looking over my shoulder like I've felt in other places of the world.

It wasn't centered on drinking and getting black out drunk or violent/ransacking stores, which seems to inevitably happen in some places once a 100 or more people gather and run through streets. There was no stench (or aroma, depending on your point of view) of hashish fumigating the airwaves.

Plus, locals warned me hashish in Italy, if you looked for it, would most likely be cut with contaminants that caused Hep C, and it was very expensive, not a necessity.

It seemed to me the people of this city didn't need that to have a good time.

Moderation is an embedded practice.

There were a few times when I felt unsafe walking alone in the city. A man with a deep imposing voice and square hat tapped me on the shoulder, asking for money. He then started following me for about ten minutes-trying to get information about me. What is your name, where are you from, are you from America? Bionda bionda.

I entered a cafe and stayed there until he got bored and left.

Another time, someone in the rotating group, Chloe, wanted to go to a nightclub. She was younger than me and far more intent on partying it up and being the opt-in Serena Vanderwood of Italy.

Nothing impressed her, she always kept her cool.

She was a smart young woman and not easily stressed yet came back sobbing one night.

A man, not from Italy, had tried groping her and sexually assaulting her at the discoteca.

One night, after singing at the Jazz Club, I walked home at 2 am by myself.

I saw his long dress skimming the sidewalk and heard the sucking noises.

He was shouting lewd things at me and started circling me making very lewd gestures and calling me horrible names "American whore".

Never had our paths crossed, wittingly, prior to this moment.

Not having cell service, tired and alone, with at least a 20 minute walk ahead of me, I decided to use my past acting skills.

I starting hissing at him, the same way my childhood friend Thomas had taught me since kindergarten.

Making weird noises, like a monkey calling in the forest, and making a boxing stance.

He kept following me, circling me on his bike and trying to grab at me-it was so bizarre.

Finally, without thinking I just started running at top speed without looking back and cut through a few side streets. All in a romper and two inch wedges.

Another disturbing event was one of my roommates had a very abusive older boyfriend, American Lex, who worked for the "music industry". She was only 19, he was 40. He was at least 6'2. He reminded me of a snapping turtle aardvark, or a beanstalk with a large gut. He always wore expensive loafers, impossibly skinny black jeans, and a tight black turtleneck with a leather jacket. He was extremely controlling of her, his bald head a shiny mirror to the passerby. His skin was a pale shade of Voldemort. Every five seconds he would call her, it seemed, asking where she was and what she was doing, who she was with. Then when they'd spend time together, he'd ignore her and make it seem like he was super busy on really important business calls with super important people and that she was a waste of his time-all while seemingly glued to her body.

She spent most of her short time in Italy, the country she had always wanted to see including the Uffizi, which she made sure to let everyone know she had memorized each room because of her Art studies-in a state of PTSD.

At night she would cry and start eating chocolate stuffed croissants, sitting upright in her bed-staring at the wall in a dream state. I'd wake up in the morning to see at least 4 wrappers on the floor as her ringtone "Gasolina" by Pitbull woke all of us up.

She had dark circles under her eyes, one time her pale arm had what seemed to be a mark from someone grabbing it.

She was always tense, nervous, confrontational.

Without ever speaking to this man, I resented him for being a jerk to someone two decades younger than him which then made everyone else's life difficult.

Sometimes it works, but I've found that many relationships with a large age gap are not very psychologically healthy for the younger person.

Just my observations, there is no formula.

[overgrownmoon]

doomposting hours

before i start let me reassure everyone that i’m okay and just really need to get some shit off my chest. i’m posting this to tumblr in hopes that i’m not alone in my thoughts.

worlds been a scary place for the last decades of my life.

i’m living through Unprecedented Historical Times and it’s fucking terrifying. First a pandemic, then a crusade on queer rights, and now a genocide on the Palestinian people. what in the fuck is happening anymore?

i know things will get better. they have to, i have to hold onto that hope. but things always get worse before they get better and oh boy has shit gone downhill. for some people things will never get better. those people are dead.

i’m appalled at both Israel’s and Hamas’ actions. No civilians should have ever been harmed; but they were, they got hurt, and now millions are being punished for it. I stand with Palestine. I stand with the people going through this horrific occupation. I do not stand with Hamas, let me make myself clear; Hamas does not represent all of Palestine.

I’m scared. I scared that i’m gonna turn on the news and see the headlines of a genocide in the Gaza strip, that i’m gonna see the photos of bodies piled high while the west pretends to weep and say “we didn’t see it coming, we didn’t know they would go this far” while the buildup has being happening right in front of our eyes.

I fear the day that my own politicians cheer and clap for the death of a thousand muslims and arabs; christ, that day already happened years ago when 9/11 happened and the US slaughtered hundreds if not thousands of people in Iran, Iraq, and Syria. the islamophobia in this country is so fucking sickening.

I don’t even remember 9/11, man, i wasnt born yet. I don’t know what kind of patriotism people want me to have for this country when all i ever see it doing is hurting more and more and more innocent people.

I’m not patriotic. I’m not nationalistic. I don’t support my government or my military. I have never been given a reason to. I grew up with the occupation of the middle east, with drone strikes on refugees, with hate crimes on mosques, and with ignorance pronounced in peoples hearts. i have nothing to be proud of. i have nothing to respect.

and yet i still live here. i didn’t choose to be born here yet here i am, in my cushy middle class home with my white-ass skin and american-ass privileges, crying about atrocities a thousand miles away that my own elected people rally and support. what am i doing, man. what right do i have to complain.

i feel both helpless and complicit. it makes me feel that my own issues are insignificant and in the face of these real horrors they are, because who cares about my pronouns or my social life when real families are dying? what in the fuck do i have to complain about? i’ve never not had food or shelter or luxury items. i’ve never lived in want. i have everything and that’s not fair when so many other good people have nothing. what i’d give to give all of my luxuries and niceties away to help just one family survive.

i think they’d deserve it more than i do.

so what did i do? vote, i guess. i’d try to donate but nothing is getting through the border. i’ll carry on in my life, knowing that what i have millions would die for, and continue being ungrateful about living in the USA. i really do hate it here, between the homophobia and transphobia and islamophobia and the christian nationalists and the ignorant masses. talk about first world problems.

woe is me. the White Person is sad. what a hard life i live. boo hoo.

[beetlereads]

The Feelies

by Mick Farren

Scifi

Love, Death & Robots, meets American Gladiators, meets Avatar.

In a not-so-distant future, things have gone a bit sideways. The gap between the haves and have-nots is wider than ever, and if you're not flush with cash, life is tough as nails. Enter Combined Media Corporation. These guys have cooked up a virtual product, a primo ticket to fantasyland, but it's a privilege only the rich folks can afford. They're ducking out of the real world, living their wildest dreams for hours, even entire lifetimes. The rest? They're stuck on the sidelines, hoping to scrimp and save, or maybe get lucky on a game show called "Wildest Dreams," just to get a taste of the "Feelies."

Our story centers on two characters, Ralph and Wanda Jean. Ralph's just a regular Joe, working in the CM Corp's vaults, but he's got his eyes wide open and sees the whole thing for the sham it is. Wanda Jean is a bright-eyed gal who lucks out and lands a shot at a lifetime Feelie contract on the game show "Wildest Dreams."

But, hold on, 'cause stuff starts to hit the fan. One day, a 'lifer' in the vault ends up dead as a doornail. Something's rotten in the state of CM Corp. Is there a cover-up in the works? Have they been feeding everyone a load of bull? Hang onto your seats, folks. The truth is out there, and it's got teeth.

Bookish Beetle Ratings

Cinematic Potential: 🪲🪲🪲🪲

The story itself doesn’t have a clear line through to make it a very good film. However, there’s tons of potential here for a TV show. 

Sensitive Content: 🪲

There are some some mild drug and seggs related content, but nothing crazy. 

Tough Read: 🪲🪲🪲

This book was written in a very strange way. Most chapters are contained, giving a glimpse of the whole story from different angles. The story does follow two character lines that give it a little cohesion, but the true protagonist isn’t clear until the very end. 

Cultural Sensitivity: 🪲🪲🪲🪲

There’s really nothing in this book that would shine a positive or negative light on any cultures or minority groups, though a few choice words wouldn’t be cool by today’s standards. Hence, the 4 stars.

Female Characterization: 🪲🪲🪲🪲

The women in this book, especially Wanda, are independent, strong women. No crazy fantasies here, except for the blonde bombshell trope. 

My opinion:

This was an incredibly fun read for me! At first, I was taken aback by the way the chapters were written - most of them are self-contained bits of information about the story as a whole and the people living in the story world. Once I realized this, though, I started vibing pretty hard with it. 

It was wild how relevant it felt to what we are experiencing in our world today. We don’t have tanks to live out completely immersive virtual experiences, but we’re definitely on the brink of something like this. Then there’s the wage gap between the 1% and middle class, our collapsing society, and capitalism devouring its consumers. I felt this book. 

Here’s a passage that was a complete slap in the face. Picture Frank, a new public relations hire, sitting in a corporate testing tank receiving training, aka company propaganda.

“The people don’t like the corporation, Frank. They don’t like us at all. We are the only thing that stands between them and the fulfillment of their fantasies. The corporation is the bogeyman. It set up the price system that limits the service to the wealthy. It is the corporation that excludes the poor and the underclass. They hate us, but we don’t mind. We understand, and we forgive. We know what is best, and we will do what is best even if cruelty is the ultimate route to the ultimate kindness. It is better they resent the corporation than feel that the service was something being inflicted on them. This way, they want the service, Frank. And they believe that it’s their own idea that they want it. And it doesn’t stop at wanting. They covet it; they yearn for it. They’d go into debt or steal for it if they thought that would bring it within their reach. "

"Anything that will one day be the ultimate means of confining the excess population of this planet has to be something that the excess population desires with all its collective being. That’s public relations, Frank.”

If you can find this book, I absolutely recommend it, just trust the process.  

[lgbtlunaverse]

You know, when i walked into the wider mdzs/cql fandom 4 years late with starbucks in my hand i was generally expecting that the character i was gonna have to bat horrible takes away from me with a hockey stick was gonna be jin guangyao. Maybe jiang cheng. Complex characters in an antagonist role whose complexity tends to be ignored because people want an easy bad guy to point at so they can prop up their own blorbo.

But no! There are so many rancid takes about both of them but it has become startlingly easy for me to avoid them once i knew what to do. I nestle myself mostly into the 3zun/yi city niche of the fandom which are generally (fictional) murder-friendly. Be careful when treading wangxian-only pages. Don't even come near either of their character tags. Avoid the "canon jiang cheng" tag like the plague. (I gotta hand it to 'em calling your character negativity tag canon is a ballsy move.) And. Yeah. Sometimes I can blissfully forget wider fandom has bad takes about these dudes.

No. No the character i have to slap away bad takes from left right and center is fucking nie mingjue.

You wouldn't expect that from a source material where he spends 90% of them time being a corpse. But here we are!

(To be clear everything under this cut is me being extremely salty if you don't want that in your life scroll away! read something else! smell a flower! eat some ice cream! Have a better day than i did! You deserve it)

I understand that it's because i took primary measures to avoid bad takes about jgy that i ended up in the jgy apologism pit and i do really quite like it here, you're all very lovely. But I guess the fandom impulse to need a big bad guy so blorbo didn't do anything wrong propped up and jgs on his own wasn't enough for everyone, and so the reading that nie mingjue is a selfish entitled privileged brute who wanted nothing more than to beat jgy until he acted grateful or subservient enough for his wishes without ever actually trying to empathise with him emerged in a few corners.

I've seen cql and book canon warped and mixed together to perpetuate the worst reading of him possible that would, in either canon taken on its own, look downright ridiculous. (I've often seen people say cql softens his character, but it notably makes him look like a way worse sect leader to jgy because the jin captain harassment was moved to qinghe, where in the book it is basically established that while people still look down on jgy the outright harassment has stopped because they can't get away with it anymore, and only the most subtle gestures of disrespect slip through. People will just move the alternate reality from cql to novel canon with no regard for how it makes several plotbeats no longer make sense. Don't even get me started on the differences between book empathy and show empathy and how they are ignored because one framework lends itself easier to character bashing.)

I've seen claims that killing him was good and a kindness actually, because he was just too bad and dangerous to keep on living. Who knows who he'd have killed if left on his own!! He'd have died in a few years anyway, who cares.

I've seen an offhand assumption from xue yang that the bruises madam jin leaves him with come from nie mingjue being misquoted as some kind of canon hard proof that nie mingjue is physically abusing jin guangyao during their entire sworn brotherhood multiple times in discourse now and it makes me want to start chewing on human flesh. (Also the lan xichen character assasination this implies??? Apparently lan xichen is just standing there while his eldest sworn brother beats the younger one up and, what? Thinks it's a good idea to make them spend long periods of time together ALONE? Tells jgy after the stairs incident that he "shouldn't provoke" mingjue- An actual thing he says!!! Which becomes much worse if this isn't an isolated incident in a tense but otherwise wanted relationship but instead one iteration in a long history of abuse!! So lxc is just doing abuse apologism for years on end here? Ok.)

And the frustrating thing is that, unlike with characters like jc or jgy, who have solidly sized fanbases built up specifically to defend and discuss them with nuance in part as direct reaction to abysmal takes about them, the equivalent for Nie Mingjue is a lot smaller. Wider fandom takes on him tend to vary from a casual shrug of general disinterest to "oohhhh jgy is so evil for killing him i feel so bad 😞" followed by. Very little actual exploration of what makes his character so interesting and tragic. And so I am left with??? Almost nothing??? Most people actually TALKING about him are doing so wrongly and even if they are defending him they are! Doing It Wrong! This sucks! I don't like any of it!

[nartml]

I don't care enough to block you, and I'd like to say that I'd love to be someone who could leave well enough alone, but that would be lying. And I don't do that.

I want to make it clear that I never said she was perfect. However, it would be nothing but ignorant to insinuate that she's not better than the convicted felon, SA-er, racist, misogynistic, homophobic, pedophilic, Zionist pos that is now the US' president.

And while I, unlike him, am not ever going to be against the freedom of speech, you have got to understand that one's freedom ends where another's begins, and if freedom comes at the cost of even one other's, it was never freedom.

Needless to say that this is exactly why none of us are free, but especially when it comes to speech, Trump's plans do nothing but spit on that right, as well as everything else.

So I have no reservations treating him, and all his wretched supporters, with the same disrespect.

Kamala—and be not mistaken, no politician—will ever be the true leftist dream, while still having a real possibility of winning. This is, unfortunate as it is, fundamentally impossible.

But she's as close as we can get, because not only did (and still does) she have a very real chance of making it as president, she is reasonable.

You can work with her.

It's like this: You have but two real options.

One is going to be your bus. It's likely not getting you to your front door step, since you live on the very outskirts of town, it's all very remote; but it's going to leave you as close as you can get by bus.

(It sure beats walking, and a Taxi? In this economy? Laughable.)

The other is going to be your ticket to Hell.

Yeah, I know what I would want, were I a US citizen. What with my opinions tending to the left and all.

Now, I can't know if Kamala herself is truly Zionist.

But I do know that Palestine, for better or for worse, isn't the only thing that matters.

And I have the sense to recognize that I can't base my vote purely on one issue.

I want to clarify that I am not only a minor, but I also do not live in the US. I won't feel the consequences of this election firsthand.

But like any person with functioning empathy, I feel strongly for the lives that will be ruined because of it, whether inside the US or otherwise.

Now, I don't know what to say of the leftists who consciously decided to abstain or vote third party, in some righteous act of moral superiority.

Because that's really the only reason that could support this type of madness.

I'm under no illusion that third party voters actually did much to cause this horrid outcome.

But forgive me if I find it ridiculous to be so delusional as to believe that there was any chance that another party was going to win.

The stakes were the highest they've been in a very hot minute, and I still stand by my belief that the ability to abstain/vote third party is a privilege of insane proportions.

I once briefly debated with someone here on this particular issue, and they were enthusiastically against voting Blue.

They basically said "Minorities in the US already have nothing to lose, so it doesn't matter to us living here if Trump wins. What's he gonna do, take the rights we don't have?" and I cannot humanly overstate how fucked up this talking point is, so I won't do anyone reading this the dishonour of spelling it out for them.

Palestinian lives matter, and I'm going to be here to scream it in your ears until they bleed; but they are not the only ones.

Fuck you if you voted Trump. Are fucking stupid? Are you allergic to critical thought? Should I get you a goddamn EpiPen? Or are you not even willing to risk it?

[randynova]

♡𝓜𝔂 𝓦𝓸𝓶𝓪𝓷♡

𝓖𝓾𝓷 𝔁 𝓡𝓮𝓪𝓭𝓮𝓻

𝑆𝑢𝑚𝑚𝑎𝑟𝑦: 𝐴𝑙𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑦 𝑠ℎ𝑜𝑟𝑡 𝑜𝑛 𝑡𝑖𝑚𝑒, 𝐺𝑢𝑛 𝑖𝑠 𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒𝑑 𝑡𝑜 𝑓𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑟𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑎𝑙 𝑡𝑜 𝐺𝑜𝑜 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 ℎ𝑒 𝑠𝑡𝑎𝑦𝑠 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑖𝑓 𝑖𝑡 𝑚𝑒𝑎𝑛𝑠 ℎ𝑒 ℎ𝑎𝑠 𝑎𝑛𝑦 𝑤𝑎𝑦 𝑜𝑓 𝑚𝑎𝑘𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑖𝑡 𝑡𝑜 𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑑𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝑜𝑛 𝑡𝑖𝑚𝑒.

✦✦✦ ✦✦✦

𝑊𝑎𝑟𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔(𝑠):𝐹𝑒𝑚!𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑒𝑟, 𝐹𝑙𝑢𝑓𝑓, 𝑠𝑜𝑓𝑡(𝑠𝑖𝑚𝑝)! 𝐺𝑢𝑛

✦✦✦ ✦✦✦

“Why couldn’t this have waited until another day?” Gun muttered, unbuttoning his shirt, letting it slide off his taut frame, and neatly folding it, placing it onto the roof of his car. He was glad he hadn't put his jacket on, having left it in his passenger seat. “I can’t dirty my clothes again, [Name] will be mad if I get blood on it.” He rolled his broad shoulders until they released a satisfying crack, his thick muscles bulging as he stretched his arms across his scarred chest. Gun peered at a nearby store, the digital clock displaying in big white numbers, ‘7:45 PM’. He groaned, his lips curling into a scowl whilst his arms fell to his side. He didn’t have enough time to deal with this.

“Hmm, and it’s almost time for our date. Fuck.” Gun whispered to himself. He clenched his fists, narrowing his eyes at the man across from him. He removed his shades and revealed his dark gaze, placing his favorite accessory to his side as well. “I’ll make this quick, Goo. I have more important places to be.”

Goo laughed, grinning in his spot as he balanced a pole in his hands. He rolled his eyes, arching a brow at his partner. “Tsk, tsk, tsk, Gun, maybe if you didn’t spend all your time by [Name]’s side, we could have dealt with this matter much earlier. That girl has you wrapped around her pretty little finger, huh?”

“Shut it,” Gun said, already racing towards the blonde and thrusting his fist, knuckles colliding with metal. Upon the cold sensation meeting his skin, he wanted to absolutely kill Goo and rip him to shreds. This would take longer than he wanted, wasting his already precious, short time. He backed off, having a considerable distance between the two, stretching his fingers a few times before clenching them again. He growled, spitting venomously,  “You just like picking fights.” 

“You did too. Before you met her, y’know,” Goo tutted, waving his finger in the air. He scoffed, voice low, “Who would’ve thought? Gun going soft for a girl. Psh, pathetic. Never thought I’d live to see the day...” The blonde trailed off, his face becoming stoic, his mind wandering. You truly had to be someone exceptional if you managed to have a guy like Gun to fall for you. He always wondered who you were, how you looked like, what you did, but Gun had kept you a secret from the world of crime. He hid almost every known trace abou you and tied every loose end that implicated you existed. No one knew who you were and no one could find you — unless Gun allowed them to. 

Goo found it so irritating how he was unable to know the girl who made such a notorious gangster go soft. 

He only met you once and that was by pure sheer luck; dropping by unexpectedly at one of Gun's apartments, only to be met with the sight of you. Seeing how Gun reacted, he knew you were supposed to be kept hush-hush. But boy, did he have a field day the next time he saw the man.

Goo had to meet you again. Or at least, know you more.

Only when Gun’s fist connected with Goo’s face did the man snap out of his thoughts, the impact of such force throwing him a few feet backwards. He dug his feet into the floor, a high-pitched screech coming from his shoes as the rubber burned against the pavement. With his sleeve, Goo wiped his cheek, seeing a speck of blood staining his clothes. Goo chuckled, standing up straight with a grin, “If I can remember right, you told me you got Eli Jang in trouble for basically the same thing. What was her name again? Heather?”

Goo blocked the upcoming attack, his pole raised and crossed above his face. He pushed Gun back with an effortless swing of the pole. He tilted his head and scratched the back of his head with his free hand. “How is [Name] any different from Heather? What does she have on you?”

Gun twisted his neck gently until he heard a crack, looking back at Goo as he hissed with venom, “Nothing.”

“Let me think, let me think….” Goo hummed, racking his mind for any possibility that someone like Gun would stay with a woman longer than one night. His face lit up and he broke out into a wide grin, pointing a finger at Gun. “Aha! You got the poor girl knocked up, right?! See, I always tell you to wear protection! Just couldn’t keep it in your pants, hm? Shaaame.” 

“Ugh, fuck no. I don’t want kids and neither does she. We made that clear at the beginning," Gun said with a sneer, annoyed beyond comprehension at Goo's antics. 

“Awe, I really thought she held something over you. How about this: I’ll stop fighting you if you tell me why you’re still with such a pretty girl like [Name]? Deal?" Goo offered, slinging the pole onto his shoulder. His eyes darkened as he spat maliciously, knowing each word would wind and rile Gun's emotions. "She deserves better than a perverted gangster, you both know that.”

Gun stayed silent, the corners of his lips tugging down into a frown. Goo’s last words struck a chord in him, sending a pang through his heart upon hearing an insecurity he’ll never admit to. Of course. Everyone told you to stay away from a man like Gun. People kept telling you you will only get hurt in the end, that a better man will come along and sweep you off your feet if you just waited, or you could always do better than him. But you never listened. You stayed by his side, even when the whole world looked down on you two. Even for months, he tried convincing himself he felt nothing for you, but after a while, he finally accepted that someone managed to tear down his walls and enter his hollow, cold heart — you. 

You were just a different kind of girl - no- a different kind of woman. A special woman he had the pleasure of meeting. One he wouldn’t dare let go of now that he has the privilege of calling you ‘mine’. And by any god out there, he won’t be a stupid fool to lose you.

Gun sighed. “I tell you and you’ll put this stupid fight behind us, right?”

Goo placed a hand over his chest, replying shortly, “You have my word.~”

“[Name] is just that special person you meet once in your life. One you know you can’t let go of because there isn’t another like her. Simple as that.”

“What?! Ugh, don’t be boring! Tell me more!”

“You asked why I  stayed with her and I told you.”

“Yeah, but I expected a story, not some sad attempt at an old man’s wise words.”

A low guttural sound rumbled in Gun’s throat, his eye twitching. “Maybe when I’m in a better mood I’ll tell you, but if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with my woman.”

Goo groaned and tossed his pole to the side, rolling his eyes and grumbling, "Fiiine, but you owe me a story. "

"Whatever—damnit," Gun looked at the clock once again and his face contorted into one of pure irate. "I'm late."

'8:12 PM'

✦✦✦ ✦✦✦

Your head rested on your hand, balancing a glass of wine between your fingers, twirling the cup as the liquid swished around. Your eyes were looking down on the glory of Gangdong, the shimmering, blinding lights of the city mesmerizing you. The city always looked beautiful at this time of night. You just wished you could enjoy it with the person you cherished. A sigh leaves your lips and you look away, eyes trailing to the other tables over the balcony. 

The lingering eyes of many strange men didn't faze you anymore, the two burly boys surrounding your table always making them avert their gaze as fast as it landed. A courtesy of your boyfriend, who was at least thirteen minutes late, who insisted on you needing to be guarded at all times. You knew if he were here, no one would dare to even breathe in your direction, let alone glance. 

The cool air pricked your skin and a shiver passed through your body, reminding you of where you were. For a man as smart as him, Gun tended to neglect keeping the season in mind when planning your dates. Nonetheless, you were happy he went out of his way to take you out on such a busy schedule. 

You jumped in your seat, snapping out of your thoughts. A jacket was wrapped around your frame, warmth immediately enveloping you as the fabric made contact with your bare skin. You looked up and smiled. 

Gun stood behind you, towering over your sitting form as he made sure you were nice and covered. His coat basically swallowed you whole. A small stuffed animal was tucked under his arm, it’s fluffy fur peeking out. He walked over to take his seat, pulling the chair out, and wasting no time to slip in. He waved to the guards and they nodded, beginning to clear the scene of people.

“Sorry I’m late, [Name],” Gun started, taking the stuffie out from underneath his arm and presenting it to you. Oh, how adorable. "I brought you a gift as an apology."

A small brown otter sat in his palms, barely taking up Gun's hands. It’s beady, plastic eyes looked straight at you, a little smile stitched onto its snout. A snort left you. The sight of such a well-dressed, intimidating man carrying such an adorable toy was  amusing. "Really now? Just a cute toy, Gun?"

Gun sighed and sat up a bit from his chair, leaning over the table, and cupping your face as he planted a gentle kiss on your cheek. As quick as it started, Gun's lips left and he was seated once again. You pout. "Don't give me that look, [Name]. We can do more at home if you want but not here."

"It's not wrong to be disappointed in no kiss on the mouth after not seeing your boyfriend for such a long time. Don't you think I deserve it?"

Gun smirked, placing his shades on the table and taking your hand, intertwining your fingers together. He gave a light squeeze and you didn't miss a beat as you squeezed his coarse hand back. The way you pursed your lips and looked at him with such glossy, innocent eyes made his heart swell. With such a pretty, cute face, it was hard to say no to you. "Hmm, maybe. But Olly told me you crossed paths with Hostel A." Gun spoke, slipping his hands from yours and picking up his dinnerware, quickly cutting the savory meat into pieces. He didn't hesitate to put a piece up to your mouth, a hand underneath so as to not have the juice leak. "I was told you nearly broke the Uncles' bones and Big Daddy himself."

Your face scrunched up and you scoffed, shaking your head. You placed the stuffed animal to the side, petting it. "Figured those assholes wouldn’t tell you everything. The ‘uncles’ wouldn’t leave me alone and I thought Olly was another one of those bastards,” you snap, sitting back in your seat with a scowl. “How was I supposed to know he was trying to help when he dresses like that? I thought he was trying to assault me for God’s sake!”

Gun placed down his fork on his plate and his face twisted into one of fury, eyes turning cold and rigid as all the warmth disappeared whilst his lips curled back into a nasty frown. You almost thought his infamous scowl was directed towards you, but you knew better. You dear boyfriend wouldn't dare lay a single finger on you if it didn't bring you pleasure. "They what?" 

You smiled softly, placing your hand over his as it clenched into a fist. With your small attempt at trying to soothe him by rubbing small circles, you spoke with a bit of hesitation, "Ah, yeah. They kept trying to get my number and wouldn't let me leave the booth I was in. I had no other choice than to use the training you taught me. Since I never met Olly, I really thought he was just another one of them and I reacted before thinking, making me attack him too."

Gun scoffed, shaking his head as he listened to your explanation with disbelief, every word fueling his rage of someone daring to hit on his woman. Every fiber in Gun's body screamed, wanting to feel their skin underneath his fists as he pounded them into oblivion. But the only thing stopping him was his date with you. For now, he'll put his anger aside to be with you and keep you happy. Who knows how long he'll be gone and when he'll see you again. The man has to make every second count. 

Yet, he couldn’t let this go unpunished.

"Fuck." Gun leans closer to you and sits on the edge of his chair. Placing his hand over yours, he slips his fingers to grasp your palm, and lifts your hand to his lips, pressing tender kisses against your knuckles. His thumb grazing softly across your fingers and his eyes flutter shut. You couldn't help but stare in awe, never quite seeing him like this.

So careful with you, so gentle, you were surprised he wasn't seething in his seat and threatening to break their heads open. Gun opens his eyes and looks up at you, shaking in his seat. “I promise I’ll have those fuckers begging on their knees for your forgiveness. They should know better than to treat a woman with such rudeness and disrespect. Shit, I’ll go right now. I’ll beat them till-”

Your sweet laugh reaches his ears, cutting him off from his little speech. You lean in and pull in his hand to your lips, pressing a tender peck to his coarse knuckles. Gun felt his heart race and skip a beat at the sight, shock crossing his features. You look up, looking at your boyfriend with mirthful eyes. “As much fun as that sounds, I'd rather you stay here. Please? I want to spend as much time with you before you go back to work.”

The man stayed silent for a few seconds, taking in your words. He looked away, clicking his tongue before he broke out into a small smile, a blush blooming across his cheeks and the tip of his ears burning a bright red. “Of course, [Name]. Though, you could’ve just said you like spending time with me.”

Giggling, you lower your hands and shake your head. “Gun, of course I like spending time with you. You’re my favorite person and I love you after all.” Your voice said those three words with such fondness, it’s as if the man was in a dream. 

If your words from before didn’t send Gun over the edge, your proclamation of love surely did now. He looked down, grinning like an idiot, showing a soft, bashful side he’s never revealed to anyone before. He swore his heart would jump out of his throat from how fast it was pounding against his ribcage. Gun grasped your hand tightly and sighed blissfully, Gently, he spoke, gazing at you with loving eyes, “I love you too.”

You smiled.

The tension in the air grew to be too much and both of you found it unbearable, wanting to do what both of you have been waiting for for weeks.

Both of you sat up and leaned over the table, closing the gap between you two as your lips interlocked, slipping together like if you were made for eachother. The kiss sparked and fed the fire both of you held in your hearts, burning brighter with every moment you spent at one another’s side. Gun couldn’t help but smile against your mouth.

As much as he hated being apart from you for so long, moments like these made the long hours worth it. If working so much meant he could provide for you, then he wouldn't mind doing it for the rest of his life if you had a roof over your head and a nice, warm meal at night.

Afterall, you were his woman.

And he loved you.

✦✦✦✦✦✦

©𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚢𝚗𝚘𝚟𝚊 || 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝𝚜 𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚎𝚛𝚟𝚎𝚍 || 𝚗𝚘 𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚜𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜, 𝚎𝚍𝚒𝚝𝚜, 𝚌𝚘𝚙𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚐, 𝚛𝚎𝚙𝚘𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐, 𝚎𝚝𝚌. 𝚞𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛 𝚊𝚗𝚢 𝚌𝚒𝚛𝚌𝚞𝚖𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚗𝚌𝚎𝚜 .

✦✦✦✦✦✦