#st fic critiques

[thestobingirlie]

There’s one steddie fic I read once where Dustin questions why Eddie would ever want to date Steve cause Steve is a loser and Eddie is so cool??? Which is very out of character for Dustin imo. Sure teenagers get moody and sassy but Dustin loves them both and clearly WORSHIPS Steve enough to talk about him to Eddie 24/7. I think a lot of it is projection tbh cause wtf

oh god.

dustin thinks steve is cool!!!!!! eddie himself said that dustin worships steve!! that came right out of eddie’s fucking mouth! you’d think these authors would pay enough attention to eddie to listen to his lines, considering they want to fuck him so badly.

honestly the way fandom treats eddie and dustin makes me not like their friendship. just the way it’s constantly compared and prioritised over steve and dustin’s annoys me so much.

[artiststarme]

Bye Bi Steve Part 2

The long awaited second part to the "Bye Bi Steve" fic. I hope you enjoy it and please leave your thoughts in the comments!

~*~*~*~

Steve was gutted. He never even considered a world where Robin and Eddie didn’t immediately accept them. He imagined that Robin would pat his shoulder and launch into a gross display of critiquing his ‘type’, just as he’d done with hers. Eddie would say something flirty to make him blush, call him Big Boy or something equally lewd to get Steve to laugh before giving him a hug and whispering his acceptance in his ear. But that’s all they were; delusional imaginations. 

Of course they wouldn’t accept him, why would they? Maybe they were right. Perhaps Steve was just confused. Maybe he only liked Eddie at that moment because he looked like a girl with his hair up in a bun, although Steve had a feeling that Eddie would take offense to that too. But any time he tried to rationalize it, force the idea of being straight, he got a nauseous feeling in his chest. He finally felt comfortable with who he was and now he had to change it? It didn’t feel right. 

Understandably, Steve started pulling away from the Party after that disaster of a coming out. He felt a little bad for pulling away from the kids without explanation but how would they accept him when his best friends didn’t? It was better just to create some distance before they could trample on the shards of his heart even further.

For the next two weeks, he avoided all contact with the Party. He switched his scheduled shifts with Keith so he didn’t have to work with Robin. He left his phone off the hook so the kids couldn’t reach him. He even told Hopper that his parents were in town so he had an excuse to skip the family dinners at the Hopper-Byers’. It’s not like they’d want him around their family if they knew Steve’s sexuality anyway.

The only person Steve can’t shake is Nancy. She’d been a crutch for him the entire time; offering her shoulder up when the tears got too much, supplying him with ice creams a plenty from multiple grocery store runs, and even holding his hair back when he puked up all the alcohol he chugged in an effort to forget the betrayal. Steve didn’t know what he would’ve done without her. 

She too was avoiding the Party but whenever Steve asked her why, she would just give him a blasé, “if I see them, I’m going to shoot them. It’s better for me to be here.” And well, Steve wasn’t going to argue with her on that. It felt nice having a friend he could count on when everyone else had abandoned him. He just hoped he didn’t mess it up like he did everything else. 

~*~*~*~

Nancy was going to murder Eddie and Robin. They were off gallivanting around town together like nothing was wrong, like they hadn’t imploded Steve’s entire worldview in one fell swoop. Anytime she saw them, she felt her trigger finger twitch. She was livid, after everything she’d been through in her life, she’d never been so angry. But she was hurt too. Just like Steve, Nancy thought that Robin and Eddie would be the ones to understand them the best. They knew what it was like to be queer in a small hick town in the middle of nowhere. She thought that they would be compassionate and helpful. But clearly she was wrong. 

As soon as she got the call from Steve and heard his tears distorted over the phone line, all of her attraction to Robin shriveled up and died. She could never be attracted to anyone that made her goofy teddy bear of an ex-boyfriend, her friend that had always tried to be there for her, cry. It left a part of her feeling empty though too. She’d liked Robin since she saw her running weirdly from the orderlies at the asylum. To have that affection die so suddenly and over such a pivotal detail left Nancy feeling unbalanced.

However, as angry as she was, Steve was still hurt. He was closer to both of them than she would ever be, ever wanted to be now. She had her family, she had the newspaper club, and plans for college. What did Steve have? He depended on Eddie and Robin to be there for him and they weren’t. Even still though, his hurt superseded any anger. He was still hopeful that his friends would come around, desperate for their acceptance and approval. 

So, while Nancy was still quietly plotting their gruesome and painful murders, she was also looking into ways of forcing them to accept Steve. She was willing to do anything to get the real Steve back, the one that smiled all the time and bitched about the kids. The more she thought about it, the more determined she became. Operation Get Steve Happy Again was a go. 

Nancy took out all the stops. She made color-coded flashcards on sexualities and gender identity. She drove all the way to Indy to buy queer zines from an LGBT+ bookstore in the city. She was going to make them understand even if it was the last thing she did. Eddie and Robin weren’t going to know what hit them.

When all of her preparations were complete, Nancy tucked her gun into her purse and made her way to the trailer park once again. Eddie’s van was parked crookedly in its place in front of the window and Wayne’s worn down truck was tucked neatly beside it. It seemed Wayne would get a front row seat to the show too then. Nancy didn’t even knock before barging inside which took both Eddie and Wayne in surprise. 

“What the-” Eddie said, jumping up from his seat at the table and spilling his cereal milk. 

“I have my gun and I will use it so listen. Your whole shtick is not conforming to what society dictates you have to conform to. I’ve always admired how you stayed true to yourself despite what everyone in town thought of you. But this is the most conformist you’ve ever been. If you don’t fix this with Steve and see where he’s coming from, I will make your life a living hell. So fix this and do it quickly,” Nancy threatened. Then she turned to Wayne who looked as lost as she’d ever seen him. 

“I’m sorry to barge in, Mr. Munson. Make sure to give Eddie a talk about accepting others, alright? He has a lot of quirks that we’ve learned to accept, Steve should get the same treatment. Have a nice afternoon.”

She left before either man could utter another word and made her way to Family Video. Steve had today off so she was reasonably sure that Robin would be manning the store on her own. When she got there, she pulled the station wagon right in front of the door and stalked inside. 

“Welcome to Family Video, how can I help you? Oh, hey Nance. What’s up?” Robin asked her in greeting.

Nancy shook her head at her. “I don’t understand. Steve’s your best friend and you ridiculed him. I know he accepted you when you came out to him. I know that you would talk about all of your lesbian interests with him and he wouldn’t bat an eye. Then he makes one comment about finding a guy attractive and you shut him down? Just walk me through it.”

Robin looked chastened. Her eyes were wide, her fingers fluttered, and her feet shuffled. “I don’t know why I did that, honestly! I just, I thought Steve was making fun of me and Eddie and I got so angry. I don’t care who Steve likes, I just want him to be happy. I don’t understand liking both or being bisexual. At the moment, I just saw it as losing the thing that Steve and I had in common and I didn’t go about it in the best way. And I don’t even know how to apologize because I know I monumentally screwed up. If I were Steve, I wouldn’t forgive me but I don’t know what I would do if he didn’t,” she rambled.

The crack in Nancy’s chest healed a bit at her words. She’ll never get her attraction to Robin back after all the damage that’s been done. However, she could be her friend. She wasn’t really biphobic, and Eddie probably wasn’t either, they just needed some more explanation to understand what bisexuality was and how to accept it. 

“Steve will forgive you, he hasn’t been able to get over this the entire time. He’s still just waiting for you guys to get your heads out of your asses and go apologize to him. And he’s still your best friend, him liking guys too doesn’t change that,” Nancy told her. She pulled some zines out of her purse and handed them to her. “Here, read those. They’ll tell you exactly what bisexuality is and what not to say when someone comes out to you.”

Robin took the papers with a whispered thanks and Nancy started making her way out of the store. At the last second, she turned around and called out to Robin who was already looking at her. 

“And Robin? Go talk to him sooner rather than later. He really misses you guys.”

Then she made her way home to cry about her own heartbreak. 

~*~*~*~

Steve was second-guessing himself again and wallowing on the couch for yet another afternoon when his doorbell rang. Considering the lies that he’d told everyone else to keep them away, it had to be Nancy. The only other options were Eddie or Robin and he knew it wouldn’t be them. He hadn’t rescinded his coming out yet so they had no reason to be coming over. 

Yet when he opened the door, he came face to face with a guilty looking Eddie. Steve almost closed the door in his face but Eddie jammed his boot in the way with enough force that the door wiggled. “Steve, please let me apologize to you. Just give me a few minutes and if you want me to leave, I will.”

Steve debated it for a moment before sighing and gesturing him inside. “I haven’t changed my mind so I don’t really know what you came here to say.”

“I came to tell you I’m sorry. I never should’ve said that you and I’ve felt like a piece of shit since then. I know you’re not faking it, or being a manwhore, or making fun of us for being gay, and we shouldn’t have said that you were. I know you’ll never forgive me for saying any of that but just, you have to know that I do accept you and I’m proud that you were able to come out.” Eddie had tears rolling down his face at the end of his speech and his voice was hoarse.

Everything in Steve wanted him to give Eddie a hug, to pull him into his arms and wipe his tears away but he couldn’t. “Why did you say it then? If you didn’t mean it, why’d you say it? It really hurt and I thought I was losing my best friends because of who I am.”

“You’re not, Steve! I swear Stevie, you’re not losing us if you still want us. I didn’t know what bisexuality was and I didn’t know that someone could like both until after I talked to Nancy. And then after she explained it to me and told us how hurt you were, I didn’t think you would want us talking to you. I’m so sorry, Steve,” Eddie cried. 

Steve was a little torn. He wanted to forgive Eddie right away, forgive him at the first word of his apology, but deep down, he knew he couldn’t. He couldn’t just brush off these past few weeks of feeling hurt and isolated from his best friends that were supposed to be there for him no matter what. 

“Thanks for your apology. I can’t forgive you right now,” Eddie made a broken sounding whimper at that but Steve continued. “But I will eventually. I just need some time to think about what I want. You guys really hurt me and I don’t know how to get over that.”

“Take all the time you need, Stevie. I know I hurt you and I will do everything in my power to fix that. I support you and I accept you and it’s about time I proved it,” Eddie promised him. 

Steve nodded. He had no doubt that Eddie would make it up to him and things would eventually get back to normal. They’d been through an alternate dimension, a mind-killing psychic wizard guy, and a bunch of murder accusations. This wouldn’t be what broke them. He pulled Eddie into a hug right before he left and his heart seemed to calm a bit at the contact. Yeah, they’d be fine. It might take a while but they’d get there. 

Later that night, long after the sun had set, Steve heard another knock at his door. He was long over guessing who it could be since he never seemed to be right anyway. When he opened the door to reveal Robin awkwardly standing on his porch, he was once again surprised. What had happened in the past twelve hours to change both hers and Eddie’s minds? 

Steve didn’t even get to say anything before Robin started rambling. “I am so sorry, Steve! I never should’ve judged you so harshly and I know you wouldn’t make fun of me being gay because you never have before so that was really stupid on my part. I should’ve accepted you right off the bat and started making fun of you liking Frank-N-Furter and Eddie like you did for me about Tammy. I know I majorly screwed up but can you ever forgive me? I promise, I will make it up to you so much!”

Steve looked at her for a moment before his mouth widened into a small grin. “You know, I’ve really missed you. I had to have a whole crisis on my own and everything.”

“I’m so sorry! I swear to you, I will never not be supportive and accepting to you ever again. I need my Platonic with a capital P soulmate back and I need you to start working shifts with me again. If Keith flirts with me one more time when we’re on a slow shift together, I might actually hurl all over him,” she babbled.

Steve just laughed and pulled her into a hug. Yeah, things would end up alright between them. It might be a little awkward for a while and there would always be some apprehension on Steve’s part but everything would be fine. 

~*~*~*~

Everything did eventually turn out fine. Robin and Eddie groveled to Steve for weeks and long after he had already forgiven them. Once the air was cleared between them, things went back to normal. He had Robin back as his supportive best friend and he had Eddie at his side as his boyfriend. He had Nancy too as the best friend that he could count on when Robin and Eddie started misbehaving with one another. 

Steve always remembered that they didn’t support him right off the bat (although neither did the rest of the Party when he announced he was dating Eddie). Whenever he made a new decision or wanted to accept a new job or something, he always felt a flash of fear of whether they would ridicule him again. 

But other than some low self-esteem and a minor lack of faith in Eddie and Robin, they lived on together in happiness. Through every up and down, they were there for each other in the way they could only wish they had been when he came out to them.

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[reelaround-deactivated05312024]

they used to make authorial commentaries to fics on livejournal. did you guys know about this. line by line annotations like a medieval intellectual commenting st augustine. im reading Literary Critique rn

[burningvelvet]

So anyway I've been reading about Restoration era writers & also learned that in Jane Eyre, Mr. Rochester may have been partly inspired by the Restoration era poet John Wilmot Earl of Rochester, rambunctious sex legend & asshole extraordinaire. I totally support this theory & may include a reference to it in my Jane Eyre fic if I ever update it.

Interesting finds from John Wilmot and Mr. Rochester by Murray G. H. Pittock:

"Mr. Rochester is to an as yet unappreciated degree based upon the character and reputation of his namesake, John Wilmot, the second Earl of Rochester, whose career as it was popularly recorded is the model for the rakehell and penitent phases underlying the development of Mr. Rochester's character." (P 462)

"the Earl's mother 'was a daughter of Sir John St. John, an ancient family of Wiltshire.' The coincidence of the name with that of the alter hero of Jane Eyre is of course striking. This tract also contains an extended passage concerning Wilmot's propensity for disguise, a common feature of the religious Lives." (P 464)

"In both the real man and the fictional character, cynicism and misanthropy turn to faith. As early as Etherege, then, John Wilmot had become a literary archetype, the "devil-angel" of the wicked rake. But he was also, in the alternative tradition of the religious tracts, an archetype of the repentant sinner. Wilmot's pious end made him respectable, and he was in every sense an ideal figure on which to model his fictional namesake." (P 469)

"It is Mr. Rochester who characteristically uses Christian imagery to describe erotic feelings [..]" (P 462)

"Mr. Rochester associates himself with the devil. Quoting from Paradise Lost, he asks Jane 'not to attribute to me any such bad eminence' (p. 166)." (P 463)

i didn't know this but i mention paradise lost in my fic! even tho in her novel shirley, charlotte disses milton's depiction of eve (which i 100% agree with; my last semester i took an english renaissance class wherein i wrote about paradise lost & eve's oppression lol). heathcliff is also miltonian as i acknowledged in a prior post!!!

"Such talk of heaven and hell in the interests of passion are echoes in fact of Mr. Rochester's famous namesake." (P 463)

"The material that Bronte would use in creating the hero of Jane Eyre from his namesake was freely available at the time, and not only through the means of pious hearsay. Burnet's own account is based on interviews with the dying Earl, and because Wilmot's death was finally a pious one, the less risqué of his poems were often found in print. So thoroughly was Wilmot's profligate life associated in the late eighteenth and early nineteenth centuries with his deathbed conversion, that it comes as no surprise to find his poems published in 1821 alongside those of Dr. Spratt, the Bishop of Rochester, in a one-volume collection enticingly titled The Cabinet of Love? Moreover, Burnet's Life was long popular, as its several editions testify, even in the "best" literary circles. Both Horace Walpole and Samuel Johnson wrote critiques which were incorporated into the edition issued in 1820. Such widely disseminated tales of reformed rakes and deathbed conversions were an important part of the literary culture of Brontes youth, reinforced by the Methodism introduced into the family circle by Aunt Branwell. It was not at all unusual, then, that Bronte should turn to John Wilmot in creating her own Mr. Rochester." (P 464)

"Passion untamed by religion until the moment of crisis is a mark of Charlotte Brontes fiction, and to make that mark, who better than a famous rake and a famous convert, John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester?" (P 469)

From John Wilmot, Mr Rochester and William Harrison Ainsworth by Robert Dingley:

"it is also possible that she drew hints from the Earl's depiction in William Harrison Ainsworth's bestselling novel Old St. Paul's (1841), where the Restoration rake displays a chameleon-like facility in disguise and twice attempts to entrap the woman by whom he is obsessed (and who in turn loves him) in spurious wedding ceremonies."

[caitie-likes-talking]

Part 4 Critique: Everything I'd Change

I love DIU..however, I consider it one of the post flawed of the JJBA Parts. Honestly, I feel like Araki didn't fully know where he was going with it til halfway, which is why the plot can be so janky. No matter what, let's dive into it. First, characters.

(also quick disclaimer: this is all my opinion and i am biased for MANY things.)

if u diagree w me dont tell me i think it would crush me

Characters [Josuke, Jotaro, Okuyasu, Kira]

Josuke Higashikata

I LOVE Josuke. I think he's a lovely character concept and his design is really cool. My main problem with him is literally his LACK of screen time!! He is the Jojo of this part, yet his spotlight is constantly stolen by other side characters like Koichi, Rohan, and even Jotaro. This also happened a lot in Part 3, with it basically being the Polnareff show (idk why Araki did this sm in pts3-5...either let the mc have screen time or don't have them be the mc!!)

I think Josuke had some of the most missed opportunities in DIU. Especially with his relationships with other characters. I think this part could've been way more interesting if it chose a solid theme, and one that I think would've made sense is commentating on death & tragedy and how that can impact personal relationships. The reason I believe this is because there's already easy set ups for this in the story. Ryohei's death, The Nijimura Brother's family, Reimi, Shigechi, and Jotaro all have that theme in place, but not enough connecting points or real arcs related to this. What was the point of killing off Ryohei (who was the only father figure Josuke had growing up) if you're not going to show how this impacted Josuke, Tomoko, and how he acts with others besides one single page? Sure, it taught him that his powers have limits and that he can't save everyone, but that was a stupid thing to teach him because Okuyasu doesn't fucking die when he should've!! Like why did we make an arc saying 'hey stands aren't magic they can't bring ppl back to life' just for EXACTLY THAT to happen??

Moving on, I also have problems with his stand. I LOVE Crazy Diamond, I think it has a super cool design and power concept, but personally I wish it's powers were more grounded and had clear limits. I feel like a lot of stands suffer from this treatment of vague power limits (ex: Golden Wind..) but my problem with CD is that there were MANY opportunities to add one! For example: we know Josuke couldn't bring back Ryohei even after using his stand on him. So that bears the question: what can CD not fix? What is the real reason it can't bring a dead person back to life? Jotaro says "No stand has the power to bring back the dead" WHY?? am i missing something? Have I forgotten when it was officially established that stands cant do that? I mean, literally in part 3 there was a stand that could reanimate corpses. So does it have to do with the soul? No matter what, I would've used this moment to establish that CD can't bring back ANY living thing. I actually wrote a short fic abt this and included the fact that he also couldn't "fix" a dead leaf. I feel like overall his stand needed more grounding.

Also, I have beef with Josuke's backstory, but I'll get into that later.

Jotaro Kujo

Ok firstly, I have MAJOR beef with his design in part 4. Mainly the fact that he's drawn extremely pale in the anime. Like..obviously he COULD be pale as he is wasian (im not trying to say all wasian ppl look the same), but he is TAN in part 3. Why did they take that away?? Pisses me off to the extreme. At least they fixed it in p5+6. Anyways..

Character wise, I really enjoy Jotaro's personality in p4. I like how he's mellowed out in comparison to p3. However, I feel like he needed a more clear role in the story. He showed up to figure out grandpappy's shit, and then took the leader role when facing Kira. Why don't I like this? Because most of the time Jotaro was just..there. I think Araki wanted him and Josuke to have a mentor/student relationship (ex: rat episode) but just didn't focus enough on them or Josuke training with his stand for this to work.

Also, the fact that it took Jotaro so fucking long to figure out who Kira is WITH the help of all those other stand users is so goofy. Like him and the gang back in '89 found Dio's ass from a goddamn microscopic fly in a photo but couldn't find Kira's identity?? Like ugh he almost redeemed himself with the button thing but then he got blown up like gosh what happened king

When it comes to stands, I forever find it stupid that Jotaro didn't work with his stand to become more powerful. Araki just had to nerf him (which is something he does with most reoccurring characters, ex: Joseph). I don't like it and it pisses me off.

With the death of Ryohei, I feel like it would've made more sense for Jotaro to somewhat open up to Josuke and be a bit more sympathetic towards him about it (or maybe he stays closed off until Josuke explodes, causing Jotaro to reveal the truth about his past.) Either way, I think the two of them could've bonded over shared grief.

Okuyasu Nijimura

I absolutely ADORE Okuyasu. I think his dynamic with Josuke is really fun to watch and his personality is just overall super enjoyable.

Stand wise I do think Araki slightly nerfed him by making him dumb as fucking rocks, but I let this slide a little more just bc he's a side character..

I honestly think Okuyasu has the best character arc out of the whole part 4 cast. I think he definitely deserved more screen time, but what we got was really solid in my opinion. His relationship with his brother was well developed and it was really interesting to see how it still affected him even after his brother's death. The way he felt a need to get revenge for his brother and still felt like he wasn't enough really hit me in the gut. I love him.

When it comes to Okuyasu's "death" I have very mixed opinions. On the one hand, ofc the goat of part 4 survived. On the other hand, I feel like him surviving goes directly against the idea we've been given since the beginning. You can't save everyone. And on the one hand, I enjoy the subverting of expectations. On the other hand, I don't like how it's still just never fully explained. I guess in JJBA as long as your soul doesn't feel like dying yet, you won't. I wish we saw Okuyasu actually speaking to his brother when he "died" however. I find him and Keicho's relationship really gut-punching and that would've been a fire scene imo.

I have more to say on him, his dad, Keicho, and the arrow, but I'll save that for when I'm talking about the plot.

Yoshikage Kira

I find Kira to be a really interesting villain. I really enjoyed every moment we got going deeper into his psychology and it's something I really wish we got to see more of. I enjoy his sleek design and he's fine asf tbh.

Im not gonna give commentary on his stand rn bc honestly i dont fully remember how that shit worked by the time he was using the arrow

Character wise I just really wish he was established as the main villain sooner. The build up and hints dropped about him were so addictive, so it's disappointing that they're only there a little before his full introduction.

The psychology of Kira is something I really liked. The way he truly believes he's never really done anything wrong and only wanting to live a peaceful life is something I wish was even more looked into. Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but from my memory, in the manga Kira's whole thing with his nails growing quicker when stressed/when his need to kill is getting too strong was only psychological. At least, I don't remember them growing the same way it's shown in the anime. I think this would've been something really interesting to deep dive into. The fact that he believes his nails grow when his need to kill is really high is really intriguing and the overall connection between hands and his killings are something I wanted to be fully developed more. I know it was kind of just a weird ass fetish but like..that's interesting!! this is interesting!!

I'll probably make an individual post to talk more abt him.

Plot

Where do I even begin. The plot of part 4 is all over the place. I loved many episodes, and I enjoyed when it leaned more into the slice of life style, but why the fuck where there like 3 seperate plots? Honestly, cut out Anjuro. His whole plot shit was annoying as hell. Didn't care for him.

Akira's entire plot pissed me off. I only like this arc because of Okuyasu. Overall I found there to be a lot of plot holes and just annoying parts. Everything til Kira was like this for me. Like get to the REAL plot please.

The arrow annoyed me. I've never wanted to rip my hair out more than when Kira's dad got a hold of it. He was SO GODDAMN ANNOYING. I like the concept of Kira using the arrow to get allies or ways to cover up his plot, but most of the stand users that came out of this were annoying and Kira's dad was insufferable in the worst way possible.

I think something I wish was more covered by the plot is the aftermath of Part 3 and Dio in general. This is something that CDDH (best jojo spinoff) covers really nicely, however. Go read it.

I also just in general think more should've been done w Okuyasu's dad, as he is a direct aftermath of Dio.

I feel like a lot of the women in Part 4 were set up to have strong, actually plot-influencing roles, but then were totally side-lined. I'm going to make a full post abt this tho.

Reimi being connected to Rohan never made sense to me. Just narratively speaking, why did you connect the main motivation for catching Kira to a side antagonist instead of the main character? This is slightly fueled by my hate for Rohan but like, c'mon! I think it would've made more sense to 1. just not include Rohan so fucking much and 2. connect Reimi to Josuke's past.

Speaking of Josuke's past, I feel like it just..needed more. Or at least, I think something needed to be done with the boy who saved him. I can appreciate the idea of it connecting to a theme of the general kindness of strangers, but you don't see that theme pop up as much in the rest of the plot. Also, I again would've connected Reimi to Josuke because WHY ISN’T SHE CONNECTED TO THE MAIN CHARACTER OH MY GOD

Overall tho I like the vibes of part 4, i really enjoyed different arcs and characters, and I just wish Araki got more time to flesh everything out and refocus on certain themes and characters.

[sevensided]

Hi i just wanted to say first of all that you're one of the authors i most admire - and i don't mean just with fics/fandom, i mean in general. You're genuinely one of the best authors i've ever read, and you've been such a big inspiration to me personally, so thank you for being so lovely and sharing such beautiful works with the world <3

I did actually have a question! Do you have any advice about dealing with writer's block or feeling unmotivated to write? I wrote so much in the past year and now i feel like i've hit a wall, and it's made me kind of sad? Like i wake up every day and want to write, but i just can't get it to work like i used to. I didn't know if you maybe had any advice on it or anything that's helped you in the past, but i figured it wouldn't hurt to try and ask!

Again, thank you for sharing your beautiful writing with the world - i'm grateful for it every day. I hope everything is going well with you <3

Hello! I have been mulling over your question for a while, so I hope you'll forgive my delay in responding to you. Thank you sincerely for your compliments; it is seriously humbling to think that my writing has had that kind of impact. Thank you.

The thing about writer's block is that we all have it. I often go through huge waves of inspiration and activity where I can write intensely. But that is also followed by periods where it literally feels like a physical wall is blocking me off from any creativity or motivation. I really feel you. I only recently crawled out of that hole.

I don't think there is a one-size-fits-all answer, to be honest. What does help me is shifting focus to something else. For example, when I recently had writer's block I simply accepted it and indulged in watching some shows that I hadn't seen before (HBO's Perry Mason). I found that surprisingly inspiring, and what do you know, I have an idea for a fic and I've banged out close to 10k. That flowed onto another fic (not ST) that I'm working on. And now I'm back in my groove.

Sometimes I think it's about removing yourself from whatever you know you want to write. It's easy to get down on yourself and focus on the negative components: that you're lazy, or not good enough, or that you should just 'get over it'. Writing is tremendously difficult. It takes creative space and freedom and patience. These things cannot be summoned. But you can make those spaces for yourself.

I try to be intentional in how I use my creative energy, and I also restrict it. That might sound counter-intuitive, but I swear that it works. I will indulge my writing for a few hours before I make myself stop. I close the document and log out. The next day, I'm ready to go; I've been simmering for hours, I have so many ideas, I have to write! It's about stretching out that creative energy instead of depleting it so much that you need to recover, and then, before you know it, it's been months since you've written anything.

I also find that being accountable to someone else helps. I have a very, very dear friend who indulges me and will read all of my work, even if it's shit or not thought out. She is the best cheerleader. Sometimes you just need to know that someone will actually read whatever it is you're thinking of. They don't have to critique; they just have to read. Being able to promise another chapter to them does help with motivation.

I would also suggest carving out time for writing, and potentially putting a time restriction on it. Say you come home from a long day at work, and all you want is to eat dinner and relax and go to bed. Try and add writing in there too. Eat dinner, then get comfy and open your laptop/phone. Challenge yourself to write at least a paragraph. When you get going, stop yourself. Close your device. Put on some TV. Go to bed. Restrict the flow - then rinse and repeat. See if you can write more the next evening, and the next, and the next. And most importantly: do not read what you have written. Just keep going. Resist the urge to edit as you go. If you're insecure about your writing, editing is the death sentence, because it is the voice in the back of your head that tells you this will never be good enough, so why even try? Shut that voice up by pushing and pushing until you have 1k, 2k, then allow yourself to read and edit. Trust me, that voice is WRONG and the only way to overcome it is to learn how to manage it.

Another thing I would suggest is working on another project. Try writing some short piece unrelated to your current WIP. Some 500 words of pure chaos. Tidy it up. Publish it. Keep doing that. Keep putting work out there, just to have it in the universe. If you keep your writing in your head, you will not have enough space to write. Get it out!!! Free up your creative energy! Keep going!

The fact that you have had this momentum before is amazing. It sounds like you might be a little tired or creatively burned out. Try what I've suggested and see what happens. I'm also always down to chat about these processes, so feel free to IM me. You've got this.

[sisyphusslnabyss-sent-to-abyss]

Always funny to me when ppl act like u shot their dog for calling st*rember’s art/mxtx’s writing choices shitty/racist/fetishistic etc etc. Like ⭐️ or mxtx are going to see some Americans tweet and kill themselves or something.

In the art world you are expected to see and respond to criticism. A large part of art classes is spent roasting each others’ art work and while it may be upsetting, it’s also a way to get better — ESPECIALLY when someone’s artistic or literary choices are as misogynistic/racist/fetishistic/generally problematic as those two’s are. Only in fandom are creators this sheltered.

Personally I believe even fanfic writers should be able to respond to criticism within reason — once I politely told a writer that their writing choices for their Mongolian character were racist — I was being modest, they were racist AS FUCK and they had a fucking tantrum and someone else told me it was “uncouth” to criticize a fanfic writer’s work. Frankly I don’t give a fuck if it’s impolite bc ur racist and you should be able to own up to that.

Also if someone criticizes an artistic/writing choice, you should be able to defend it. That’s the whole point of defending your thesis in the academic world. Now, this isn’t the academic world, and fanfic writers aren’t going into writing to defend their choices but to have fun. You don’t have to comment on every poorly written fic you read telling them how bad it was, at that point just walk on by. But the fandom attitude of resistance towards any critique of fandom material is frankly rotting ppl’s brains and destroying the ability to critically consume media.

There’s a big difference between criticizing a well known authors work, saying a professional artist’s color palettes/proportions are wildly off base, academic critique and pointing out racism, vs. hating on small creators. Some of y’all have lost the ability to tell the difference and respond with hostile defense to all of the above rather than participating in mature content creation and consumption.

[lostchildofthenewworld]

I found your blog through other Dorne blogs/content on here and I have to say your takes on ASOIAF? You do not miss. That being said, I need to vent about the fandom's overall impression of Lasagna Stroganoff and how people are literally incapable of having a reasoned, critical analysis of this character because of fandom goggles. There are T*rg stans in one corner that don't even think she did anything wrong and jerk off to how much of a sexually liberated NLOG self-insert she was (lmao if I speak), and then you got St*rk/T*rg critical stans in another corner who, even after the show portrayal of her and the most obvious hints in the books that there was no kidnapping, refuse to assign any accountability for what she did, not even on a moral level and continuing on with this narrative that she was kidnapped, had no idea what she was doing, etc.. A lot of St*rk stans are committed to the St*rks being the moral center of the series and therefore they feel the need to defend/explain away any St*rk doing anything remotely amoral, which, ya know, running off with a married man with two babies at home is kind of the pinnacle of. Also, a lot of them are Jon fans who don't want to admit that the mother Jon has been hyping up in his head for five books was a douchebag lol. Whenever people try to critique her, no matter how milquetoast the critique is, there is always such pushback and anything that's not 'uwu Lieanna uwu....so willful and brave, and strong, and pushbacked against gender norms uwu' is seen as 'hate' like please spare me the thinkpieces.

I mean…

You ain’t telling no lies on any part and it’s why I really don’t gaf about fandom or asoiaf now lmao. I’ve yet to truly come across a fic that explores Jon having an identity crisis over the circumstances of his birth, not that he’s a “Targaryen prince” but that so much happened, so many people died off the choices that his parents made. I think if Jon knew that, he would definitely put himself in a cottage and just count grass for the rest of his life cause he ain’t trying to deal with the bullshit that is rhinoplasty terrorsquad and levitation saliva

[this-train-terminates-here]

it's so hilarious to me when works of fiction (ESPECIALLY fanfic) say shit like "and he went to Eton" for literally EVERY rich, refined or posh British male character. I don't think they've ever actually *met* and Eton boy. I haven't. Glad as fuck I haven't. My friend has, and I cannot tell you how rank they are. Not good looking, arrogant, actually got really bad grades (Eton is not a good school like people think it's only at like top 20 in the UK) and are absolutel SHIT at rowing. Literally lost races on THEIR OWN GROUNDS. Also if you have that Eton/Oxford combo... Mmm... My friends dad has that combo (like bojo) and let me tell you you could tell from just looking at him. It's a little bit rank if you have that combo. I mean if you go/went to Eton like kindly ~stay away~. I don't have anything against you, but your school? ... :3

When fanfics send girls to St Paul's: YES YES I NEED MORE YES!!!! I love my st Pauls girlies theyre literally the best so fun to be around so smart so iconic yes yes

Anyway I just love critiquing fics set in the UK or NL because it's funny to see people obviously only knowing stuff because its famous and not actually knowing stuff about it. Probably my favourite thing about having British TV be popular ngl

[xxwritemeastoryxx]

*chants* Bucky, Bucky, Bucky

18. Just pretend we’re okay, just for tonight, just for show. I’ll be gone by sunrise.

(Pretty please)

Compromised

Author: xxwritemeastoryxx

Pairings: Bucky Barnes x fem!reader

Word Count: 5873

Warnings: Betrayal, weapon usage/violence, angst galore. Canon timeline doesn't exist to make this fic work.

Author’s Note: Okay, hear me out before this one gets started. I'm sorry (That's a lie) for whatever pain comes from this one. But I also couldn't help myself and added a second prompt because it JUST FIT PERFECTLY and I couldn't help myself. I added prompt 10. You started this. The least you can do is finish ripping my heart out by telling the damn truth. The beginning of this fic is a bit misleading. Do not jump to conclusions! Also, I want to say that I'm still getting used to writing for Bucky, so any constructive critiques are welcome. Please note that Make it Angsty Requests are now closed. I'm posting them after the fact cause I fail at posting things in a timely manner. The divider is by the lovely @firefly-graphics ♥

I do not and will not ever give permission for my fics to be copied and posted on other sites. Don’t do it. Don’t be that person that ruins it for me and everyone else.

Feedback gives me life and motivation for future things. While likes are appreciated, reblogs are gold. Seriously, if you enjoyed this in the slightest, please reblog ♥

MCU Masterlist || Fandom Masterlist || Taglist

It was almost a typical Stark party. However for once it wasn’t for his benefit of any kind. For the first time since Y/N had joined the avengers, they were celebrating her birthday. While it may seem odd that they hadn’t done so before, it was because Y/N didn’t want them to fuss over her. For years they had attempted to throw her a party, but she never wanted it and reminded them every time they had tried. 

At first she refused to give up the date when she first joined to allow them to throw some kind of celebration. After FRIDAY gave up the day, Y/N always found out about the details that allowed her to evade every get together or surprise party they attempted. They’d throw the party and she’d never show until she was sure they had given up. Or she’d take on missions to avoid the compound altogether.

In truth, Y/N felt as though she didn’t deserve the party they had been so desperately wanting her to be a part of. She couldn’t ever recall a time where her birth had been celebrated. There weren’t an increasing amount of candles to blow out. After years of having nothing, it had become just another day to her. And now that several people wanted to celebrate her birthday, it was overwhelming. 

That was until a few months ago that Bucky had been volunteered to convince his girlfriend to actually have a birthday party. If anyone could convince her, it’d be Bucky. He couldn’t get out of the small parties that Steve insisted they have for him. Unlike Y/N, he couldn’t escape his best friends tatics from it. 

And after weeks of convincing and reassuring Y/N that it wasn’t the worst thing in the world to have a party thrown for her, she finally agreed to it. It also didn’t hurt to add in that any time he was forced to attend a party for his, she was a willing participant that helped him enjoy the night. For once he wanted to be able to see her enjoy herself on her birthday. 

That was how she currently found herself surrounded by plenty of people that she knew and didn’t know. Many of them had been staff within the compound that she hardly ever talked to. If it hadn’t been for the conversations and words of encouragement from Bucky and her teammates, she would have bolted for the door hours ago. 

But now, she was beginning to feel ansty and the one person that promised he’d by her side the majority of the night was nowhere to be seen. Even as her eyes scanned the crowd she couldn’t find Bucky. Usually she could pick him out rather easy in any room, but right now she couldn’t. 

As her eyes finished her scan, she found Steve and Sam talking across the way causing her to start making her way over. As she had, her eyes kept looking for Bucky the whole time hoping he’d pop up. 

“Have you seen Bucky?” She asked as she came up to them. 

They had stopped mid conversation the moment she spoke. They both hadn’t missed the anxiousness that was visible in her eyes. While they hardly ever seen that side of her before, they both knew that this was a first for her. They expected there to be some hesitancy on her part.

Steve tilted his head towards the hall at the other end of the room. “He got a phone call a few minutes ago. Couldn’t hear over the music.”

She didn’t blame him. The music levels were just loud enough that some people had to speak louder just to be heard. Any louder and she was sure people would have to be mouth to ear in this place to hear anything. 

“Thanks.” She said giving him a smile. 

“We’re going to be bringing out the cake soon.” Sam added. “Don’t take too long.”

Y/N rolled her eyes and shook her head. “No promises!” She said before she turned and started making her way towards the hall. 

When she reached the hall, her eyes began scanning each room as she walked past them, looking for Bucky. She soon realized that only one room, at the very end of the hall had been closed. A small smile pulled at her lips once more as she made her way over to that door. 

Her thoughts instantly going to the playful things she could say to him as she walked into the door. She could joke about how he was hiding away when he promised he’d be there. She could also joke that when his birthday came around, she would be able to hide away. The many things she could say just to help ease the anxiety that was bubbling within her. 

“Hey Buck-” As she opened the door, she froze. The playful question about him hiding away never got the chance to pass her lips. 

Bucky stood at the opposite side of the desk with a file opened and papers scattered. Several pictures were mixed in with the pages that had been on the desk. A document was in his hand as if he had been reading it moments before she had opened the door. 

Curiosity should have filled her with what he currently had his eyes trained on, but it wasn’t. Fear filled her as she recognized the contents of the file he had been going through. All of the information in that file she had tried her hardest to destroy. The life she no longer wished to be a part of was contained within that file. The lies to her life laid out on display. 

Taking a shuddering breath, she stepped into the room and closed the door. She kept her back to the door, with her hands on the handle. The simple need to grasp onto it just in case she needed to make a quick getaway. 

“I need you to let me explain.” 

The instant the words left her mouth, Bucky’s eyes snapped to her. He had heard her when she opened the door, but he couldn’t bring himself to look at her. Not when his eyes were still scanning the document in his hand, taking in the information. 

His heart had been in his stomach from the moment he opened the file. Before he opened it, he felt as though he shouldn’t and trust Y/N. He wanted to believe that there was no reason to worry and whatever was in that file was going to prove his recent suspicions to be wrong. But they weren’t. 

Being free from the memories tied to it makes it easier to get the job done. 

A simple phrase she had said weeks ago had stuck with him. A siren going off within his mind that felt wrong. For someone such as Y/N, who joined from SHIELD, shouldn’t know what it’s like to have her memories wiped. Then again, he had no idea what SHIELD was capable of doing behind closed doors. 

It didn’t stop Bucky from wanting the answers himself without dropping a thousand questions on Y/N. He knew the sudden interest in her past would raise questions. While Bucky knew as much about Y/N as she was willing to give, she still had walls up and Bucky respected some of those walls. Just as she had with some of his. But now he had the answers directly in front of him and he hated himself for not seeing it sooner. 

“Who are you?” His voice was loud enough for her to hear. His voice hardly held any emotion even though his expressions conveyed everything he was feeling. 

“You know who I am.” She responded as she lifted her head up a little higher. Almost as if she was bracing herself for the blow. 

“Obviously I don’t.” His right hand gestured towards the desk. “Your background was pretty extensive, I’m amazed that you made it through Tony’s security checks with how much I have sitting on this desk.”

“It’s not that hard for Hydra to create a false identity when you don’t exactly have one.” Much like the calmness in his voice, her’s matched. On the inside, her heart was racing. She was sure her eyes had displayed the fear and guilt she was currently feeling. Her eyes took in every bit of him. Studying him and keeping herself ready for anything she hoped wouldn’t happen. “The person in that file is dead. Has been for several years.” 

A scoff passed his lips as he shook his head. “If she’s dead, who’s birthday are they currenty out there celebrating?”

They. He hadn’t included himself in that scentence and Y/N had picked up on that right away. There was a change from earlier this morning when he took her out to breakfast and left a gift on her bed side table to wake up to. She assumed that the time he took to celebrate her birthday ended when he got his phone call, no doubt signalling the arrival of the file. 

“Still mine.” There was the slightest nod of her head as she tried to enure his questions were answered as quickly as she could without them seeming rehearsed, even though there were times where she practiced for the day she would tell him. “They-” She stopped herself. There was no use in avoiding the truth. “Hydra believed that if I had no ties to my former life, I would do as they pleased. But when creating a backstory, they used my real birth date. It was only after I left that I found out it was the right date. Everything else was different.”

His eyes took her in as she finished. He could see how she was almost in a defensive stance. Her arm behind her back no doubt holding the handle on the door. The defensive reflex reminding him of many times he had seen other soldiers hold that stance in a room that he was in. An easier way to leave when the opportunity presented itself. 

He wondered how many other times there was something that had seemed so familiar to him that had gone unnoticed. For every memory that had been returned to him, he never knew who she was when they first met. He would have known if she was mixed in the sea of memories, but she never encountered him while he was under Hydra’s hold. 

But now he kew that brief moment of a gut feeling when he met her for the first time was an actual warning he should have listened to. But it had been Steve, and occasionally Sam, that reminded him that once she opened up, she wasn't as guarded and neither of them had felt off about her presence. It turns out they had been wrong. 

"I get it." She said a moment later when he hadn’t said anything. “This is a bunch of new information that you're taking in. Maybe you need a little more time to process." Her hand on the knob slowly turned. This would be the only chance she'd have to leave the room. While she didn't fear him, she was afraid of the emotions that would come from this conversation. She knew, without a doubt, he'd hate her afterwards. "I'll head back to the party and we can talk later. Just please don't say anything to anyone. At least not yet." 

She had barely turned around and opened the door a little more than an inch or two before the swish of a blade flying through the air was loud in her ears. It was followed by a thud that caused the door to slam shut just as quickly as she had opened it. She looked up to see the knife barely above her head. 

"We are far from finished." 

When she turned back around, she found him standing within arms reach. His eyes were narrowed at her. Her heart aches that he had been looking at her like he was instead of the caring looks she had been used to. In the span of a an hour, she had become the enemy in his eyes. 

Bucky could have aimed anywhere. He had half a mind to aim for the space right beside her hand or even right by her cheek. Something close enough to knick the skin as a warning not to leave. But the part of him that cared way too deeply for her couldn't bring himself to bring the knife that close to her. 

He couldn't deny what was in front of him. The way she had been so calm about this had further proved the evidence. It was almost as if he could no longer recognize who she was. That the woman he loved was completely different from the woman who's life had been spread out on the desk behind him. Even the words leaving her lips that now came out so easily were foreign to him in the way their conversations usually went. Hydra was never spoken of and now it had been mentioned more times in the last few minutes than they had been in the few years they had known each other.

“How long?” He asked a moment later. 

“Since before we met.” The words came out easily. 

"What was your mission?" 

Her eyes scanned his face for a moment. Just enough for her to collect her thoughts. She could lie, but she knew that would get her nowhere. She could tell the truth, and they could possibly find themselves at each other's throats.

“To infiltrate the Avengers." His features hadn't changed as she continued. "I was to gain their trust while I observed and reported anything of interest. When the time came I was to take down my target.”

“Who is your target?” He asked with a raised brow. 

“Doesn’t matter, I couldn’t go through with it.” She said with a shake of her head. 

That detail she couldn’t bring herself to give up. It caused her heart to ache just thinking about it. She never voiced it before and she didn’t want this to be the first time she did. Any other time she could redirect the questions onto something else. But this wasn’t just a casual conversation to be had anymore. This was Bucky interrogating her. 

There weren't any playful conversations or plans for the rest of the night. There wasn’t the comfortable stance between them. Instead they both were on edge and the tension in the air thick. 

“It does matter. You came here under false pretenses. Lied to everyone who believed to be your friend. I think it’s only fair that you own up to who it was.” It was no longer about knowing her past and what she had done. It was now about if she still posed as threat while still here within the walls of the compound. 

“They’re still breathing.” She noted. “I almost went through with it. But I learned I couldn’t bring myself to do it. So it doesn’t matter who it was, Bucky. All that matters is that I turned my back on Hydra and never looked back.”

“And what’s to stop you from changing your mind and going after them?” He asked taking a step closer to her.

“What stopped you from killing Steve?” With his step forward, she began remembering the layout of the room. The details she could use to her advantage from being pinned against the door as she now was. 

“Why can’t you just answer the question?” He shot back as he crossed his arms over his chest. 

“Because it isn’t necessary!” Her voice raised slightly. The emotions within her growing and she hated the fact that her eyes threatened to tear up. “I left. I made the choice to be better. You got to do the same. Why is it any different with me?”

“Because I don’t know how I can trust you without knowing all of the facts.” He took in a deep breath trying to calm himself. “I let you in. How do I know that everything you’ve told me isn’t a lie? I don’t know how much of it was you actually being you or if you were doing your job and just using me to get close to-”

He stopped himself when something clicked in his mind. The missing pieces of the puzzle being found as he watched the tears well up in her eyes and the words he had just said brought everything into perspective. He looked up at the knife that was still embedded in the door above her head before looking back at her. 

“I’m only going to ask this one more time.” There was hurt in his voice and every part of him hoped that the answer he now had in his mind was wrong. “Who is your mission?”

The moment Bucky had cut himself off, Y/N knew he had pieced it together. It was written in his face and in his eyes. It had made her heart ache as she watched him piece it together. She knew this is where he would hate her. Even if she tried and denied it again, he still knew and there was nothing that could change that.

“You.” That was when the first tear fell from her eyes. His hands dropped to his sides as he took a step back. When she reached out to him, he hit her hand away. “Bucky-”

“Everything was a lie, wasn’t it?” His head shook as he looked at her. His heart ached in a way he believed he never felt before. He had felt and done many things during his lifetime. He regretted many things and several of them he wished on everything he could take them back. But the one thing he never regretted was meeting and falling in love with Y/N. At least that was until now. “You are pretty good at your job sweetheart, I’ll give you that.”

“I have lied about plenty of things, but my feelings for you weren’t one of them.” Y/N needed him to understand that. 

Her confessions of care and love towards him hadn’t been faked at any point. Her annoyance in the beginning had been clear. It took months for them to warm up to each other, let alone work well together on missions. And while she was the double agent, it was only until her feelings had shifted, right along with Bucky’s, that she realized she couldn’t go through with her mission.

“Don’t feed me that bullshit.” His eyes narrowed at her. “Everything I have known about you has been a lie. From the moment I met you I should have listened to my gut.” He shook his head before running his fleshed hand down his face. “You started this by taking the mission.” He said as he looked into her eyes. “The least you can do is finish ripping my heart out by telling the damn truth for once.”

Her eyes widdened slightly as she took in his words. She knew that this was a justified reaction from him. But it didn’t hurt anyless to hear that she was breaking him. The first relationship he had away from Hydra and she was tormenting him by not telling him the truth.

She looked elsewhere for a moment as she tried to get her emotions in check. After all those years of training, she found them to be useless in that moment. Tears were falling freely with no intent to stop. They were silent and didn’t affect her in the way it would to someone else.

“You want the whole truth? Okay. Here it is.” If it would help in some way to either ease things between them or get them going for the inevitable reveal to the others, she’d give it all up. “Hydra caught wind that you were having your programming removed.” His eyes widened for a moment as he took in her words. “For the right price, there are no secrets, even in closed borders, you know that. Agents were trying to find their place after the fall of SHIELD. It was easy to have a background created for me and I was tossed in with the potentials. It didn’t take long for my skillsets to be noticed and I was brought in rather quickly. I was to observe and report what was necessary to my superiors. And when the time came I was to assess if the Winter Soldier could be returned and utilized or put down. 

"I played my role and mingled with everyone. I reported back when necessary. Much like you with the hesitancy towards me, I had the same with you. Yes, I feared that you’d figure it out early on and kill me. I expected it from the moment you returned from Wakanda. I stayed on edge waiting for the moment that you would figure it out. But you never did. And when you managaged to actually hold a conversation with me for longer than two seconds, I knew I had my way in.” She watched as a glare formed on his face and when he opened his mouth to speak she quickly continued. 

“Things started to change between us. I fought it because I was supposed to be doing my job and not falling for you. Your death was supposed to come that first mission alone together after it was agreed by my superiors that you were to be put down. You were so eager to get the mission done that you never realized you had a gun pointed at your head several times.” She wiped the tears from her cheek. Bucky had shook his head at her words. No doubt hating himself for not realizing it then. “Nor did you see how I struggled to get myself to pull the trigger. Because every time you looked back to check on me, all I could see was Bucky and not the asset that I was meant to put down. All I could see was the freedom and relationship that I craved and I couldn’t do it.

“The moment we got back from that mission I left for a few days. I said it was because I had a family emergency that I needed to take care of. That was the last lie I told you. Because I couldn’t tell you that I was going to either get myself killed or I was going to take down the base that not even the Avengers knew about.”

The moment she mentioned it, Bucky remembered that night. He remembered, for the first time in a long while, being anxious waiting for Y/N to return home from checking in on her family. The night she had left he was going to tell her how he felt. The feelings that had been developing for her, he needed her to know. 

Bucky had been working up the courage the week leading up to the mission. But he couldn’t get himself to. And when they got back, he was on his way to her room to tell her when he caught word she had left rather quickly. The only thing anyone knew was something was going on with her family. So Bucky waited a little longer to tell her. 

After almost a week and a half, Bucky woke up in the middle of the night to find Y/N sitting in the doorway to his room. At first he believed he was dreaming until he got up and walked over to her. He had expected to see some kind of smirk on her lips or some kind of joke about her being a lurker. Instead he found her face and neck covered in yellowing bruises. 

“What happened?” He asked, quickly moving to sit beside her and take in the damage. 

“Some times checking in on your family means getting your ass beat in the process.” It was a horrible joke but it had made her chuckle slightly as tears formed in her eyes. 

He brought his hand under her chin and lifted it slightly, angling her face up and to the side to get a better look at her neck. “Should have called in for some back up. I gladly would have stepped in.” They chuckled and she shook her head. 

“I assure you, they wouldn’t be able to touch anyone again.” 

Her words caused an eyebrow to raise on his face. “Am I being sworn to secrecy with that statement? Cause I can-”

“You wont have to worry about anything.” She promised. “I’m free from anything incriminating.” She looked down the hall towards where her room was. “I’ve only been back a few minutes, I didn’t want to wake you. You actually looked like you were sleeping peacefully tonight. I just needed-”

“It’s okay.” He assured her. He stayed with her in that spot for a little longer before she excused herself to go to her room. 

The next morning they received the news that a hydra base had been taken down with no idea who had done it. No mission had been scheduled. They didn't even know that particular base had existed. Yet it had been up in flames without anyone alive to explain what was going on. Local authorities had been the ones to find the base in shambles and it took some time to reach the compound. 

“I should kill you right now.” His voice had been calm. The words had even shocked him as they left his lips. Maybe it was the mix of emotions, but there was no stopping them once they left his lips. 

Without any hesitation, Y/N shot her hand up above her head, grabbing the hilt of the knife, pulling it free. The moment she had it free, Bucky had his vibranium hand wrapped around hers. He thought she had been attempting to use it against him, and as he tried to keep it from meeting him, she easily brought it closer to her, letting the tip of the blade meet her shirt right above her heart.

“Do it, you’d be doing both of us a favor.” For a brief moment she saw the way his eyes softened at her words and actions before they hardened just as they had moments before. “I never intended to fall for you. But you made me care and I couldn’t stop myself. You want to kill me, go ahead. I deserve it for what I’ve done.”

Bucky pulled the blade away from her and brought it down to his side. “You should have told me the truth sooner. When you knew you couldn’t go through with it. Or even that night. We sat up for hours, you should have told me. I would have let you go then instead of having to find out this way when you slipped up.”

“I know, and I understand that I should have. But you-”

“Leave.” He couldn’t let her finish what she was about to say. While he didn’t know it word for word, he knew she would say along the lines of ‘now he knew and they could start over, now he knew and once she told the others they could make their way past this’. Part of him wanted to let her be that selfish. But the other part that now saw her only as someone that used him, he couldn’t bring himself to allow her any of it.

She nodded her head. “Okay, I’ll give you some space.”

“I meant leave here completely. I don’t want to see you around here anymore. In fact I expect you to be somewhere across the world by morning.”

“What? No-”

“If you don’t leave, I will gladly walk out of this room and alert everyone that Hydra is within their walls.” He would quickly do it if it allowed him the peace of her being gone. He couldn’t stand to look at her right now. 

"I am not Hydra anymore!" She was glad the music had been blasting down the hall or else she would have given herself away with how loudly she had yelled it at him. “If you’re going to take anything away from this, please let that be it.”

“I can’t.” He shook his head. He moved towards the door to leave. As his flesh hand grabbed the door knob, she placed hers on top of his, causing him to look over at her with a glare. 

“I know you don’t owe me any favors, and I definitely don’t deserve this, but please. Just pretend we’re okay, just for tonight, just for show.” She watched as his eyes hadn’t changed as he kept them on her. “Please. The others don’t need to hear about this right now and I promise that I’ll be gone by sunrise.”

He stood there for a moment, taking her in one last time. For the briefest of moments, this was his Y/N that he was looking at. The woman he had loved with everythin he could give. She wasn’t the enemy that had been standing in front of him. Nor was she the woman that broke his heart several times within their conversation tonight. 

The pain in his chest shattered the illusion a moment later and all he could see and feel was the betrayal from her. The lies he had heard over the years on a loop in his mind as he looked into her eyes. He couldn’t give her the whole night she was asking for. He didn’t even know if he’d be capable of giving her any time longer than him walking out of this room.

“I’ll give you until your candles are out.” He said as he shook her hand off of his and opened the door. “That’s the only time you’ll get. After that it’s fair game.”

As the door slammed shut behind him, she closed her eyes and let a shakey breath out. She had expected him to say no. To tell her to leave once more before he left the room. She had expected to be running to their shared room and packing a bag to slip out under the radar. But he gave her smallest window of nothing being wrong. 

Leaving the room, she quickly ducked into the nearest bathroom to collect herself. Thankfully there hadn’t been many people in the hall and there wasn’t someone already in the bathroom. Making quick use of her time, she ensured that not a single evidence of tears had been on her face and made sure her eyes didn’t hold the emotions she had been feeling. With one last deep breath, she walked back out to the party. 

“There she is!” Clint yelled out, catching her attention. “We’ve been trying to keep Thor off of the cake.”

In the last few moments the music had been lowered significantly, to a decent volume. Thankfully they hadn’t decided to do so before she and Bucky had walked out of the room. If they had, she was sure she’d be greeted differently. 

“Didn’t I tell you it wouldn’t be long before cake?” Sam teased.

“Someone couldn’t keep their hands off.”

Bucky’s voice had surprised her. As her eyes snapped to his, there wasn’t the playful gleam within his eyes. If anything, he was hiding the glare that wanted to form. He sent a wink her way before he brought the beer bottle up to his lips. The subtle message that he agreed and wouldn’t take it back. He’d keep the new charade up as long as she left just as he asked. 

“Enough of that!” Nat said before Y/N could respond. She came over to Y/N and began leading her to stand in front of the cake. “Let’s sing and cut the cake before they decide to disappear again.”

The instant Y/N was in place, Nat began to light the candles on the cake quickly. But her eyes never left Bucky as he moved to stand closer to her for the time being. The others gathered around and it wasn’t long before a countdown started and the singing began. Taking Y/N’s full attention. 

From the opposite side of the cake, she watched as the people who had become her friends over the last several years sing to her. The smiles on their faces as they had were something she’d never forget. And as her eyes landed on Bucky, he too had been participating just as she asked him too.  The sparkler candles adding the right touch to the memory she was creating in her mind. The memory she’d keep with her for as long as she could after she left. The and only birthday celebrated with them all. 

As the song came to an end, she could see the way Bucky’s eyes had been on anywhere else but her. He had even stopped singing mid song before the others had even finished singing. The ‘normal’ coming to an end. 

While every one told her to make some kind of wish, Y/N couldn’t bring herself to. While she could wish for anything and everything to take back today, and even the last few years she would. But the damage had been done. There was no going back now. 

I’m sorry. She thought as she blew out the candles. 

In the midst of the cheers and the cake being moved away, Y/N was gone from sight. The only one who noticed it at first was Bucky. He watched her the whole entire time. He watched as she manuevored out of sight from the others and down towards the hall.

The moment she was gone from sight, Bucky’s body slumped slightly. The tension in his body leaving as he sat himself down in the nearest chair. The action hadn’t go unnoticed by some of his friends. 

“You alright Buck?” Steve’s voice filled his ears as caught his movement in his peripheral taking a seat next to him. 

“Give me the rest of tonight to give you an answer to that.” He said even though his eyes never left the hallway. 

He had hardly got a grip on the situation himself. He was still processing the information, her words on a loop in his head, along with the hurt he was feeling had his mind spinning. Because how could he begin to explain that the woman they all cared for had been lying for years?

“Where’d Y/N go?” Steve asked keeping his attention on Bucky. 

Bucky shrugged his shoulders, trying to keep his emotions at bay. “Your guess is as good as mine.” He finally brought his attention to Steve. “I just need time to give you the ‘why’ of it all.”

After years of freedom from the organization that manipulated, used, and tormented him, Hydra sure had a way of making its presence known in his life even after being destroyed. The relief of freedom he felt had been taken away from him the moment he had opened that file. And the genuine happiness he felt had been shattered to pieces the moment she confirmed his thoughts.

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[thestobingirlie]

i was randomly assaulted by the tiktok rockstar eddie au for the first time in months and it was about how when eddie can't sleep he wakes steve up (by pinching his nose which i dislike greatly considering oxygen deprivation is another fucking seizure trigger) so steve will nap w him the next day. and the thing is sleep (and esp sleep deprivation) is literally one of the biggest triggers for epilepsy/seizures. like it can not only trigger seizures but also make them longer and more intense. not to mention i'm like 60% sure steve's neurological issues have been connected to sleep/sleep-walking post seizure explicitly in this series. i have epilepsy and consistently across multiple doctors the number one thing they've said to me is to make sure i have a consistent sleep schedule and get enough sleep. there is no way if steve has been receiving treatment for a long time he and eddie would not be aware of this. i will just never understand how ppl can make eddie that much of a dick in these fics.

oh my god, that au is sickening lmao

the fact that eddie is just outright abusing steve and it’s played for laughs? dude is causing seizures, mocking steve for his behaviour post brain damage, broadcasting steve’s very personal business, and constantly filming him to the point that steve (in the au!!!) says he feels like he lives in the truman show. i mean, what??

who even are these people?

get steve outta there!!! don’t do that to my girl. why are all of the other characters just watching this play out? save him!

[princessithaca]

if i see one more take about her/st*ncy that boils down to 'st*ve deserved better she hurt him so much' i'm going bite someone. like, *murray voice* we like st*ve. this is not a st*ve hate post. but s2 is so incredibly clear in showing why that relationship falls apart, and it's just SO not on nancy.

case in point, with all grace given to the fact that the character is in question is a deeply emotionally immature 17 year old boy and again. not a hate post, her boyfriend's solution to the problem of "i'm drowning in guilt over the fact that i was a stupid teenager and my best friend died becuase of it and i can't tell anyone about it and it's ruining her parent's lives" is "let's go be stupid teenagers". STEVEN. like, kid, you're trying, but your girlfriend is shaking apart at the seams in front of you and you are on a functional and emotional level completely useless here.

and so she's slipping away and he knows this so he spends the first part of the season borderline clinging to her ankles because he loves her and he doesn't want to lose her but she quite literally had to stop being st*ve h*rrington's girlfriend to like. survive. and it's utterly maddening to me to see people reduce all of that to 'poor steve, getting his heart broken like that' like is your empathy for female characters the size of a single kernel of sweetcorn

defending nancy wheeler online isn't enough i need a gun.

[itsnothesameasitwas]

↳ week #5

make sure to read the tags and warnings before start reading!

♡ it’s just a song on the radio by @afireinsidethoseeyes | GA | 890 | niall x louis

Niall is finally starting to feel okay again after his break up with Louis. Until he hears Louis' song on the radio. Suddenly, he can't get Louis, or the cause of their breakup, out of his head.

♡ electric love by @maggieisalarrie | NR | 1.4k | harry x louis

Sparks and fireworks and butterflies and sunshine don’t have anything on what he feels when they kiss. It’s unlike anything he’s ever felt before. The descriptions he’s heard and read throughout his life don’t do this justice. He’s been kissed before, but it’s never been like this. He understands now why everyone sings and writes and creates constantly to try to capture just a fraction of how this feels. It’s like opening a portal to another dimension, a whole new universe, where he doesn’t understand the language and his current vocabulary isn’t expansive enough to be able to even begin describing what he feels.

OR

Louis doesn’t have TikTok so Harry thinks it’s safe to try the "lightning in a bottle" trend with him to show him how he feels.

♡ wanna be happy by @rosesau | GA | 3.6k | harry x louis

A kiss on the back of Harry’s neck sends a flutter down his spine.

“What are you doing here?” he asks, still disoriented. Louis must have used the spare key he still has. Of course. Harry’s surprised he didn’t do that earlier.

“It’s Valentine’s Day,” Louis says. “I brought dinner.”

or the one where harry's too stubborn for his own good and louis just wants a way inside.

♡ so we make perfect shapes by lookingforparadise | E | 6.3k | harry x louis

So here's the St Valentine's Day headcanon I have promised to those people who likes my "fics". I didn't re-read it so sorry for any mistake.

Oh and there's Niall too because I love Niall, who doesn't love Niall???? I needed him in the fic lol

Hope you like it! xx

♡ bless the day our heartbeats aligned by @guiltypleasureismypleasure | E | 97k | harry x louis

Beside his mother, Louis was still frozen in place. He was vaguely aware that Doris was getting crumbs on his clothing, but he was far too concerned with overthinking. Harry knew now that he was an omega. There was no way he couldn’t know. Would he be disappointed? Would he think less of Louis? What if he didn’t even remember Louis? Louis sucked in a breath when Harry turned towards him, his green eyes locking on the omega and he regarded him carefully. He was used to being constantly under the watchful eye of the court, his every move being critiqued and judged. But the way Harry was examining him had his hair standing on end and his breath caught in his throat. Slowly, Harry bowed before him and looked up at Louis with an unreadable expression in his eyes. He rose to his full height once more and one dimple sunk into his cheek as he quirked his lips into a smirk. “Hello, Cricket.”

~

Or the one where after years of being gone, Knight Harry returns to his best friend only to find out that Louis is betrothed to another.

don’t forget to left kudos and nice messages to the authors! xx

[jamlavender]

Gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss: Mrs Coulter, misogyny and the His Dark Materials TV show

The show went hard on misogyny as a vital part of Mrs Coulter’s backstory, and I want to talk about how they did it, and why, and how it might have been done better. This is quite long (when is anything I write not, let’s be real) so it’s under the cut. Read on for thoughts on women, power and fictional villainy.

As a quick disclaimer, though: I’ve enjoyed the show a lot! I’m so glad they made it! Ruth Wilson is mesmerising as Mrs Coulter! There’s so much to appreciate about the show overall, including many aspects of Mrs Coulter’s portrayal. But the HDM team have also made gender politics and misogyny very explicit themes of the show – particularly season two, particularly season two, episode five – and I think it’s fair to critique that.

Let’s be clear: Mrs Coulter is a villain. She murders kids by tearing out their souls. She kills and tortures friends and foes alike without a second thought. She abuses her daughter. She upholds and advances a totalitarian regime. She’s a Bad Person, as confirmed by God himself with the unforgettable line: “You are a cesspit of moral filth.” She’s fucking terrible, but, in life as in art, many of us are fascinated by how such awful people are made. What drives someone to commit atrocities? I am keen to see such questions examined in fiction, because I don’t think exploring a character necessarily means excusing their actions, and because it’s interesting (I mean, of course I find her fascinating, I’ve written a novel’s worth of fic about her). However, after a few snarky comments (“What sort of woman raised Father Graves, do you think?”) and some subtler commentary on sexuality, gender and power (her unsettling MacPhail with the key in the bra in S1E2), S2E5 drew a weird line between sexism in Mrs Coulter’s professional and academic life and her vast and senseless institutionalised child murder, and the longer I’ve sat with that the more I’m like: what the fuck?

Look, Mrs Coulter doesn’t tear apart children to search for sin inside them and poison Boreal and break a witch’s fingers because she’s experienced sexism in the workplace and in her education. That’s… a very odd thing to imply. We have to remember that there are lots of women in Lyra’s world, all of whom will also have experienced sexism, misogyny and other forms of marginalisation (many in more expansive and pernicious ways than Mrs Coulter, who’s a woman, yes, but also white, wealthy, highly educated and very thin and beautiful), and none of them are running arctic torture stations. She will have experienced misogyny, absolutely, and that will have affected her in various ways that inform how she approaches her work, but to imply that being denied a doctorate is the reason she became a sadistic killer is frankly bizarre. Here are a few of the lines from that episode with my commentary:

“Do you know who I could have been in this world?” What does this mean? If she’d been roughly the same person in our world, the answer is: Margaret Thatcher, which is probably a step down for Marisa, all things considered, because the Magisterium is far more autocratic than any recent Tory government and would be a much easier institutional environment in which to enact her cruelty. What we’re supposed to think, clearly, is that she’d have been a different person: a scientist and a mother, and she’s had this realisation because she saw a woman with a baby and a laptop and had a three-minute conversation with Mary. This doesn’t make sense. We live in our world! It’s less repressive than Lyra’s world but it’s hardly a gender utopia. If Mrs Coulter had chosen the scientist-and-mother life (which, as I’ll revisit later, she could have done in her world but chose not to because of her megalomaniac tendencies), she’d still have been affected by misogyny here too. Our world is not kind to young mothers, nor young women embroiled in scandals, nor is the world teeming with female physicists. It might be a little better, sure, but it’s hardly as if those gendered challenges would have been solved.  

“What do you mean she runs a department?” This is just the show forgetting its own canon. Marisa, you ran a massive government organisation (the GOB), including a huge murder science research initiative in the Arctic. That’s a much bigger undertaking and much more impressive than running a university department in our world. Pull yourself together.

“But because I was a woman, I was denied a doctorate by the Magisterium.” This is the show flagrantly ignoring the source material to make a clumsy political point. In the books, there are women with doctorates (notably Hannah Relf, also a major player in the new Book of Dust trilogy) and at least one women’s college full of female scholars. Now, would that women’s college likely be underfunded and disrespected compared to the men’s colleges? Almost certainly. But saying that is different than saying “I couldn’t get my doctorate!” when women in Lyra’s world can. The show knew what point they wanted to make, and were willing to ignore canon to do so, which is frustrating. Also, given that there are female academics and scientists in Lyra’s world, and that Mrs Coulter is a member of St Sophia’s college, it’s clear that she could have lived that life if she so desired. But she didn’t want that, because being a scientist and academic at St Sophia’s imbues her with no real power, and that’s what she craves.

I’m not opposed, in theory, to exploring Mrs Coulter and misogyny in more depth, but I think doing so through an examination of the sexual politics of her life would have made a lot more narrative sense and been much more powerful. It’s better evidenced in the text – her using her sexuality to manipulate people and taking lovers for political sway is entirely canon, as is her backstory where genuine love and lust blew up her life – and it links much more closely with the most shocking of her villainy, which involves cutting out children’s dæmons to stop them developing “troublesome thoughts and feelings,” referencing sexual and romantic desire (and what Lyra and Will do to save Dust is clearly a big ‘fuck you’ to those aims). She even says this to MacPhail in TAS, “If you thought for one moment that I would release my daughter into the care - the care! - of a body of men with a feverish obsession with sexuality, men with dirty fingernails, reeking of ancient sweat, men whose furtive imaginations would crawl over her body like cockroaches - if you thought I would expose my child to that, my Lord President, you are more stupid than you take me for.” Don’t get me wrong, she’d have been a villain regardless, but I do believe that there’s a much stronger link between her sexual and romantic experiences and her murder work than between professional and academic stifling and child murder. It would have been a lot more interesting and a lot less tenuous.

However, the show is trying to be family-friendly, and digging into why this terrible, cruel woman might want to cut the ability for desire and love (and other non-sexual adult feelings, I’m sure) out of people could get dark. We know that the show doesn’t want to go there, because they’ve actively toned down her weaponising her sexuality: in the books, she has an established sexual relationship with Boreal, whereas the show made it seem like she’s been stringing him along all this time, and made it about potentially ‘sharing a life’ together rather than fucking, which was clearly the arrangement in the books. Also, I think Ruth Wilson said she and Ariyon Bakare filmed a “steamy scene” together, and given that only a single chaste kiss between them aired it must have been cut. I think they deliberately minimised the sexual elements of the text, particularly regarding Mrs Coulter (the mountain scene with Asriel, which I did still love, was also a lot less horny than in the book) and replaced that with another gender issue, that of professional sexism, as if the two are interchangeable, which they are not. This is a shame, both for Mrs Coulter’s character and also for the story as a whole, because the characters’ relationships with sex and desire are an important part of the books! (If this minimised sexuality approach means that they don’t use the TAS scene where Asriel threatens to gag her and she tries to goad him into doing it, I’ll scream). Overall, I think they missed the mark here, which is a shame because I also think it could have been done well, if they’d been bolder and darker and more thoughtful.

Why might this happen? Why might the show take this approach? Why might it be latched onto by viewers? Personally, I think the conversations we have about women and power are very simplistic, which leaves us in a tight spot when we see women seizing power for themselves (even in fiction) and weaponising that against others, not just other women but people of all genders, because we struggle to move past ‘women have overall been denied power, so them taking it ‘back’ is good,’ even if that immediately becomes a hot mess of white, corporate feminism and results in the ongoing oppression of many people. I think we are so hungry for representations of powerful women that we – producers and viewers alike – struggle to see them as bad, because it’s uncomfortable to be so intoxicated by Mrs Coulter effortlessly dominating the men around her, subverting systems designed to marginalise her for her own benefit, and generally being aggressive and intelligent and ruthless, and then realise that you are entranced by someone who is, objectively, a terrible, terrible person. It can be hard to realise that if you channelled the energy of someone who mesmerises you, you’d be the villain. So instead of sitting with that (more on this below), a lot of legwork goes into reworking her villainy into, somehow, a just act, a result of oppression, as her taking back power that has been denied to her, rather than grappling with the fact that for anyone to desire power in such a merciless way, even if they have to overcome marginalisation to get it, is really, really dangerous.

The joy, of course, is that Mrs Coulter is not real! She’s not real! Adoring fictional characters does not mean condoning their (imaginary) decisions, nor do stories exist for each person in them to fit neatly into a good or bad box so you know who you’re allowed to love. Furthermore, fiction can be a fabulous tool for exploring and interrogating the parts of yourself that, if left to bloom unexamined, might perpetuate beliefs or behaviour that cause harm to others. Mrs Coulter doesn’t need to be a feminist or taking down the patriarchy or a righteous powerful woman to illuminate things about gender, power and feminism for those reading and watching. In fact, it’s important that we explore what happens when women (most commonly white, wealthy women, as she is) continue to perpetuate brutal systems under the guise of sticking it to ‘men,’ because it happens all the time in the real world, and it’s a serious issue. Finding characters like Mrs Coulter so cool and compelling doesn’t make you a bad person, but it might tell you something about yourself – not that you want to be a villain or kill kids or whatever, but something about how you relate to your gender or women or men or power – and that knowledge can be useful! We all have better and worse impulses, and finding art that helps us make sense of ourselves, both the good and bad parts, is a gift that we should relish.

Anyway, tl;dr, Mrs Coulter doesn’t need to be sympathetic or understandable or redeemable to be brilliant – but you wouldn’t know that from how she’s been portrayed in the new adaptation.

[gay-jewish-bucky]

have you ever read Not Easily Conquered? And if you have, what are your thoughts on it?

as someone who isn't a fan of p*ggy or st*ggy for that matter, it was definitely a fic that was hard to read but i gave it go since it's one of the most famous fics of the stucky fandom and i wouldn't say i regretted reading it because it definitely is a well written fic but the stucky content of it still felt like unrequited love 🙃 ... and that just won't do for me when it comes to steve and bucky

i haven't read it for those reasons!

it's so popular and everyone quotes it all the time and i just.... cannot get on board with the idea that bucky's love for steve was in any way unrequited?

look at everything steve does for him in the cap trilogy, there is no way that love isn't wholly and equally requited.

it's incredibly well written work and this is not a critique of that or the author at all, i just... can't.

i stick with crying over 70 Years of Sleep "I think we deserve a soft epilogue, my love. We are good people and we've suffered enough."??? gutting, beautiful, poetic, requited, 10000/10, makes me want to cry

[phasesofpencils]

My only critique with people putting "tc*st do NOT fucking interact" on their fics is that i see the word and have a mini heart attack until i see "dni". But those half a seconds are the most terrifying moments of my life.