#sry for not posting these days i got really into socialism and depression

[definetelynotavampire]

Bird :>

[diamondsableye]

Every single time I see a TERF or GCer tell a medically transitioned trans person that “you’re still your [insert birth sex here]”, it just reveals how piss poor their understanding of biology is. Granted, I don’t have a degree (because college is time and money expensive, and I’m in short supply of both) but I basically binge watch college level lectures regarding a multitude of different biology subjects, so I’d like to think that my words here carry a bit of authority. Not saying it replaces a degree, but I sure as hell know more than the average person if I’m being blunt.

First thing’s first, sex is determined by 5 categories: chromosomal sex, gonadal sex, hormonal sex, internal and external genitalia, and by extension one’s phenotype. All of these barring chromosomal sex are modifiable to some degree, some of which (like hormonal sex) are able to be completely flipped to cis standards. Honestly if you’re gonna argue that you can be 4/5 for one sex and say “actually your sex is based on the 1/5” when chromosomal sex is... dubious at best, then I’m sorry but you’re just.... wrong? Anti intellectual? You don’t like science? I’ll break down some common arguments here.

“If it’s surgery it doesn’t count/because hormones are not naturally produced it doesn’t count, you’re still your bio sex”

This usually results in a thought process where we apply our understanding of intention to the human body. The body is a biological computer, it is a complex machine that can grow and change in a multitude of ways and is very much in constant change, but it doesn’t really “know” what’s going on. It doesn’t care that HRT is man made, all the body does is revive these chemical signals which activate different processes within the body. Legit 90% of your physical makeup is all determined by hormones. If you have the hormonal sex of a male, it doesn’t matter if it’s the result of HRT or not, the body interprets this the same way it would if it was natural and the resultant biological processes follow suit. It is a biological computer following the hormonal code it’s been given, and if the receivers are active then it’ll adjust its software and to the best of it’s abilities it’s hardware accordingly. Same goes for surgery to an extent as well, the body incorporates modifications to itself typically to whatever hormonal instructions have been given, it doesn’t care if it’s “real or not”, your bio sex HAS BEEN MODIFIED. Trying to argue against the fluidity of sex is partaking in biological metaphysics, and is not reflective of what we understand of reality.

“No matter what your cells will always be (XX/XY), every cell is sexed inside you”

For starters, the SRY gene in the Y chromosome determines your birth sex, not your actual chromosomes. Anyone competent at biology will know this. Secondly, being XX or XY with properly functioning SRY genes or lack thereof doesn’t determine as much as TERFs will have you believe. The SRY gene is an activator gene, it doesn’t technically code for a whole new body, it just determines embryonic development. All of us have genetic code for both male and female phenotypes, and we all start out sexless at first. If the SRY is activated, and the proper hormone receptors are working, and the following “hormonal code” runs as it should, then the embryo will change course and develop as male. (Any interruption during this process can result in an intersex condition, and there’s a myriad of ways this can happen. Sex is a tricky and complicated thing, not some stupid binary). If there is no SRY gene activated, or there’s an issue with androgen hormone reception, or an issue with carrying out said hormonal instructions, then typically the embryo will resume “default development” which is female. So in reality, chromosomes are almost meaningless when it comes to determining sex and even SRY presence/absence isn’t straightforward either. You can have XX or XY chromosomes and have your body actively following blueprints for male/female respectively thanks to how hormones interact with the body and our genes. In any event, additionally it’s proven that our genetic code is literally in constant fluctuation and modification. You don’t need to be hit with radiation to have DNA changes, commonly it’s being constantly effected by one’s environment. Literally genes linked to increased risk of depression can be “turned on” even if one was born with their activation absent is introduced to high stress environments. Basically our bodies are never static and trying to argue that your sex is based as what you were born as is just... wrong. Saying that one is male/female based on chromosomal sex alone is just flat out admitting that you’re either ignorant or anti-intellectual when it comes to biology and you should be ashamed.

Also just in general genes are weird. We’ve got fossils of prehistoric retro viruses inside us which make up 5% of our DNA as opposed to our 2% of DNA which codes for active protein creation. We’re literally more genetically fossilized viruses than what codes us specifically as human, and we all have more bacteria on and within our bodies than our number of actual cells. Literally trying to prescribe complex modes of human interaction and existence from our biology is, to put it scientifically, very fucking stupid.

That’s all I really have for now, this was solely discussing medically transitioned trans people and I didn’t get into the intricacies of sex/gender in terms of their historical social and cultural meanings, and how sex need not align with gender. For most situations outside of medical needs, gender within its social context is the only thing relevant to our day to day interactions, and it cannot be accurately determined through scientific means how much of it is socially constructed vs how much of it is Innate or to what extent it may be immutable.

Oh and minor footnote before I gotta go back to my work, non medically transitioned trans people are valid nor should you have to medically transition to be recognized as your gender. This was merely a post discussing how TERFs have no idea the complexities of biological sex and have an outdated binary based view of how sex is actually categorized and recorded.

[lost-in-the-spectrum]

What is the Asperger-Syndrome?

Friends of the sun shine…

This is gonna be my very first tumblr post in English about a very personal and important topic I’d like to write about. You see the title and think ‘I heard of that, I know what it is’? Then f*ck you because you don’t.

 First of all: My name is Helli, I am 25 years old and I’ve got the Asperger-Syndrome, now a days also known as Autism-Spectrum-Disorder. I’ve been suffering of bullying, misunderstanding, being let down and being unheard, being treated differently and badly just because I’ve behaved specifically during the spectrum and its issues. I was an introvert, a daydreamer, a comic- and video game geek... especially the last point might be an information where you go like ‘huh, that is actually cool�� but well... years ago it wasn’t. I was a nerd for others and nerds were meant to be uncool and unpopulare for a quite long time. Unfair? Yes, it is. But do you think anyone did care those days? No.

 Anyways, before I start to tell you something about this syndrome – and before I do the same mistake as I did 5 years ago making a video for my German YouTube channel to talk about it – I’d like to mention that all I tell you in this post is only ABOUT ME. Every autistic person is DIFFERENT and not everyone got the same issues or strengths as me. So please before you drop every autistic person in one box which I accidently did in the video I mentioned before, please remember: THIS IS JUST ABOUT ME. Yet I will drop some general informations about that syndrome as well. And maybe you recognize yourselves or other people and friends, maybe you’re autistic yourself then let me know in every possible way you want.

 What is the Asperger-Syndrom (medical)?

It is a profound developmental disorder with issues in social communicating, correct interpretation of facial expressions and gesturing. People with the Asperger-Syndrome are most of the time hardly interested in any topic but create a special huge interest in certain topics. Most of them are, like with me, video games and comics, computer and technology in general, sometimes even different kinds of science or arts. In some individual cases people with this syndrome are incredibly good at mathematics or speaking (linguistically gifted) but at the same time these people are not able to do other simple things. Me as an example: Never mind how much I practised, how good the teacher was, I always wrote bad exams in mathematics even tho I understood what I did in the homeworks before and even in some very simple exercises I do the one or other mistake. BUT even tho I’ve hardly read a book in my life because – I am not gonna lie – books (novels) are uninteresting for me I am very good at speaking, writing, formulating, describing things (...) I am pretty good at articulating myself. So I eventually belong to these people who are linguistically gifted. I can only tell that my dad – a former German teacher – is even kinda impressed about my way of speaking because I – as I have already told – hardly hold a book in my hands. I only remember three novels I’ve read in my whole life and those books where lucky to be interesting enough for me.

 Anyways... those are the main signs and behaviors of people with this syndrome. Of course the Asperger-Syndrome is not the only disorder. The spectrum is pretty huge and includes many other Autism-Disorders. Not only other names but also syndromes with the same name but with some little deviations in behavior and ‘gifts’. So while I have not such a huge problem with maybe speaking with people and explaining them how I feel and see the world (as long as they give me the chance to do so) other people with the same syndrome might have big issues in formulating and ordering their feelings, describing them etc. While I really want to become an educater and work with children and teenagers to help them on the right way – I even want to work in special institutions for people with depressions and other conditions – other people with the Asperger-Syndrome completely avoid people and social contact or at least prefer jobs where they can be for their own.

 These are only some examples for the issues or strengths people with this syndrome have to deal with. Other examples – where I can relate – are these...

Being not interested in other     children as a child and prefering to play on their own.

Misunderstanding things and     informations which are said because these people sometimes have an own way     to say and describe these things.

Being unable to use the correct     facial expressions to a certain feeling as well as misunderstanding them     on other people. – almost the same issue which they have with told things.

Unable to be flexible and     spontanious, prefering to know appointments and meetings at least one day     earlier, even tho it is spending time on the beach with friends.

Mostly having a strict day     structure and plan and having issues to change them.

Sometimes not interested in     other people but in objects. I for example am more imperessed of a note     book having a nice cover than of a handsome man.

Most of the time for their own     and focused on their own life, problems etc. Which you can mix up very     easily with ‘just being day dreaming’ Which seems egoistic to other     people.

Sometimes not even able to show     emotions or at least they have a limited number of emotions on stock.

They often do things everytime     on the one and same way – Much alike this day structure thing – and while     other people get bored very quickly by that people with this syndrom     actually love it to know what’s coming next and that it is everyday the     same. (This is because these people really want to have the ultimate     control on everything they do.)

 Now we come to the points which some autistic people can relate but indeed not everyone of them:

 Having a bad ‘inter navigation’     which means that they’re pretty bad at reading maps, finding a simple way     even tho there are signs and shields telling them where to go and even tho     someone once walked the way together with them. (I am one of them. Other     Autists are pretty good at navigation and geography.)

Reminding information or images     by first sight (photographic mind, like the boy who flew over a city with     a helicopter and drew the whole city down only by viewing it once.)

Being able to solve a mathematic     exercise in their head within 30 seconds or less.

Having a higher IQ from 113 up     to 200, also known as ‘extremly gifted’ (unfortunately not everyone... I’ve     met some people...)

Being very tidy, ordered and     hygenic. (also not everyone. For example me: I am captain Chaos.)

Being very sensitive if it’s     about smell, flavor, feeling, light, noises etc. (I’ve got only some     noises which freak me out and sometimes I can’t deal with the sun light     because it is just way to bright for me. That’s why some autistic people     always use noise-cancelling headphones or sunglasses.)

Having issues with being in a     relationship including love and sex life. (Not me: I have got a boyfriend     without Autism and we come along pretty well actually. We do also fight     like ‘normal’ people. There is hardly a difference. Yet there are some     other kinds of people.)

 There are also autistic people who behave much more extreme than the examples I’ve written down. Some of them still ‘belong’ to the Asperger-Spectrum, others already drift into the ‘Kanner-Spectrum’ which is known as the ‘Autism’ which comes up to our minds when we hear about it. It’s the ultimate image most of the people still have when they hear about ‘Autism’: Swinging around on the chair or floor and not noticing anyone speaking to them: caught in their ‘own world’. Behaving uneasy, having no respect or not accepting distance. Some of them even’d like to touch your ‘private zone’ because they think it is interesting but don’t understand that it is not okay – or even sexual harassment – to do so. Hurting themselves by hitting their head against the wall – for example – if they’re told to do what they don’t want to. In general known as easily provocating people, aggressive and having no control over their own actions.

 This is a completely other topic tho. So if you’d like to have a list with examples and definitions of different Autism-Spectrums, just let me know!

 Now: What is the Asperger-Syndrome for me?

Even tho some ‘

social justice warriors

’ or other autistic people will hate me for that I tell you what it is for me: A disorder and a disability and also an other view of life.

Are disorders and disabilities bad for me? Is it bad and wrong to call Autism like that? No. Why? Because people are used to use these words as offenses or general in a negative point? Sry, that’s not my problem. If these people seriously yell at me calling my own Autism as disorder and disability, because they find it bad and discrimanting - because their definition of it is negative - then those people are discriminating – not me - because they think disabled people with a disorder are negative in some way and that’s why it’s wrong to call them like that. This is discriminating and hurting by these people and they do anything with this attitude except something good.

Autism is a disorder. Autism is a disability. This is a fact and this doesn’t make us to worse or less valuable people than others. If you really automatically think my disability makes myself less valuable to others it means to me that you think it is something negative too and this is discriminating! Never mind how you try to turn it.

 So why is it a disability and disorder besides the medical fact that it is? 1st I am disabled in social communication. Never mind how good I probably am in articulating myself and formulating things, I still don’t now how to start a conversation, how to get to know someone, not even how to meet people. In fact I am even nervous about meeting new people, being in a room with strange new people with whom I am supposed to work closer in future is a bit hard for me. I am incredibly insecure, especially because of my bullying experience.

I hate having small-talk or being unnecessary ‘polite’ ... like not saying the total truth about something and lie a little bit instead to make people not feel uncomfortable which is wrong in my opinion. But that’s how society works. And while people without Autism know how ‘the cookie crumbles’ and they have no issues with behaving like this I feel uneasy about it and as honest I am with my words and thoughts, so am I with my feelings which means that I can’t hide it when I’m feeling uneasy. Society feels uneasy about me feeling uneasy because these ‘simple’ society actions. You see where this goes.

 2nd I have issues with reading faces and recognizing voices. That means I can’t always tell if a person is angry, annoyed, okay or happy and I can’t tell by the person’s voice if he or she is angry, stressed, annoyed, sad, anything like this which is usually also a special key to some kind of social communication. All I can do is ask if he or she is okay or what’s the matter but I have met many people in my life and some of them think that it should be so obvious how they feel that I must be a silly cunt to not notice it. Or maybe worse: they think I don’t care and I pretend to care to make people think that I am a good person but in fact I am ignorant. Yes, that’s what some people once thought of me.

 3rd I am disabled to have a normal everyday life in – for example - summer time when it is hot outside. It’s not like just being done because it’s so warm and I am sweating, no. People who know me well have seen me during hot summer times and I am absolutely useless. I am like totally done, almost dead if you really want to know. In case that I go outside because the temperatures are not too hot and I am able to move in the sun (and because I need food, you know, don’t wanna starve) there is an other problem: the sun light. I go out, the sun and its light burns down on me and suddenly I hardly see a thing, everything I watch shines in a horrible bright light and literally blends me. I need to wear sunglasses for that, sometimes even in the late afternoon when the sun light isn’t that bright anymore. Even then, because my Autism is also a kind of ‘high sensibility’ if it’s about sun light or certain kind of noises and sounds. In addition I am not always able to handle stress and busy situations. Stress knocks me out sometimes and it’s not like just being stressed, no. Sometimes I start crying. I’m having an overload, a so-called meltdown (which is also something I’d like to write about in an other post) which means I am crying for hours and having a mental and emotional break down. All the emotions I actually felt for a quite long time and which I’ve held back because I know that in these situations these emotions would make them worse... all these emotions, sometimes including emotions I think I didn’t even know that they exist, are coming out. It’s like me being a huge frozen mointain, completely made of ice, the emotions which come out because of the stress are getting hot and making my frozen shell melt and break down... I am literally a frozen vulcano who explodes with all its emotions. Now tell me: do you think I could work in a stressy job for eight or more hours a day without having these break downs?

 To the question why it is a disorder: No person has got the right to decide what’s normal and what’s not. But comparing my issues and my behavior in certain situations because of my condition to the behavior of other people without this condition, it is definitely a disorder. When it comes to the situations I am disable to handle ... it is like me being a television which loses its signal right within a good television show. I have literally no signal in these moments. I am having a disruption. Do you say your television is not having a disruption then? ‘It is not having a disruption, it is just special.’ God damn, that sounds kinda discrimanting, doesn’t it?

 I am disabled. I’m having a disorder. But that doesn’t make me to a bad person and less valuable than anyone else. You know, I can learn, how to communicate. I can learn, what to do in stressy situations. I can learn to read expressions, learn and study different expressions or the sound of voices in different emotions. I can learn this all.

Disability is a medical fact for me. It describes or is a ‘name’ for the issues we have. I will always be disabled like – even tho this is an extreme example, don’t blame me for that, please – a person who’s sitting in the wheel chair because he or she lost his or her leg in an accident, in a war, anything like that. BUT as this person can learn to walk with a prothesis so they won’t be stopped at all, so I can and will learn to communicate and manage my life and find my place in this world. I will always be disabled but I’ll never be impaired. I don’t wanna be changed or even pitied, I want to be accepted and luckily there are people who accept and also love me the exact way I am.

 I really want to mention again: please, don’t blame or hate me for comparing me with a person who lost a leg and has to sit in the wheel chair... I know this life is worse and it is horrible and not really comparable with my disorder. But I just want to make a point.

Autism is an other way of to be and even tho there are so many different autistic people everyone of ‘us’ is different and when you know one autistic person then you know exactly one. Only one. Meet more of us and you’ll know who we really are.

 I hope you took the time to read it all and that I could explain at least a little to you what the Asperger-Syndrome is. There are some informations in the internet and in some books, medical facts and experiences as well as personal ones, blogs like this or even youtube channels. Feel free to check them all out but please educate yourself correctly and stop putting us all in a box.

 Thanks for reading. Good bye!

[umbral-stigmata-unbound]

Meet the Muse +4

// Multimuse = Long Post, separated by Pics, the four under the cut so it’s not too long for people scrolling ^^; but tagged by the lovely @oflockhearted !! Thank you, dear, this is fun, I hope this entertains! XD Sephiroth first, then Reno, then Vincent, then Kadaj //

► Name ➔  Sephiroth. 

► Are you single ➔  Of course.

► Are you happy ➔  *laughs*

► Are you angry? ➔ I prefer passionate.

► Are your parents still married ➔  Funny.

NINE FACTS

► Birth Place ➔  If the sealed reports are to be believed...Nibelheim. Why does that matter?

► Hair Color ➔  Silver.

► Eye Color ➔  Icy emerald.

► Birthday ➔  And just why is that important?     // IE Mun can’t find it, if it’s even mentioned anywhere lmao //

► Mood ➔  Determined.

► Sex ➔  Waste of time, generally.

► Summer or winter ➔  Winter, I suppose.

► Morning or afternoon ➔  Morning.

EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE

► Are you in love ➔ No. What’s the point in it?

► Do you believe in love at first sight ➔  No. Love is enough of a waste, and love at first sight is pitiful childs’ fairy tale to make them believe there’s endless good waiting for them.

► Who ended your last relationship ➔ Never had one.

► Have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔  Many times, I’m sure.

► Are you afraid of commitments ➔ ---

► Have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔  ---

► Have you ever had a secret admirer ➔  Yes. I believe they called themselves the Silver Elite.

► Have you ever broken your own heart? ➔  ...

SIX CHOICES

► Love or lust ➔ Neither.

► Lemonade or iced tea ➔  Neither.

► Cats or Dogs ➔   Cats.

► A few best friends or many regular friends ➔  ..Once I might have said a few. But neither.

► Wild night out or romantic night in ➔  Neither.

► Day or night ➔  Night.

FIVE HAVE YOU EVERS

► Been caught sneaking out ➔  Once. I learned.

► Fallen down/up the stairs ➔  No, despite people trying.

► Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔  ..No.   // oh please, mama’s boy //

► Wanted to disappear ➔  ---

FOUR PREFERENCES

► Smile or eyes ➔  Eyes--they’re clearer to read.

► Shorter or Taller ➔  Hmm... Shorter.   // he could’ve pretended to not understand the question, and yet...//

► Intelligence or Attraction ➔  Intelligence.

► Hook-up or Relationship ➔  No.

FAMILY

► Do you and your family get along ➔  ---

► Would you say you have a “messed up life” ➔  I’d say that’s an understatement. 

► Have you ever ran away from home ➔  You have to have a home, to run away from it, correct?

► Have you ever gotten kicked out ➔ ---

FRIENDS

► Do you secretly hate one of your friends ➔   You have to have friends, to hate them. But no, I’d never hate them secretly. They would know.

► Do you consider all of your friend’s good friends ➔  ---

► Who is your best friend ➔ ---

► Who knows everything about you ➔  No one.    // jesus that’s a damn depressing ending //

► Name ➔  Codename = Reno 

► Are you single ➔  Yeah, can’t really be tied down with this thrill of a life, now can I?

► Are you happy ➔  Sure, plenty.

► Are you angry? ➔  Only when dumbasses test my patience.

► Are your parents still married ➔  Why is that your business?

NINE FACTS

► Birth Place ➔   Nosy little runt, aren’t you?

► Hair Color ➔  Sexiest red you’ll ever see.

► Eye Color ➔  Green.

► Birthday ➔  ---   // still don’t know fnajflakfa //

► Mood ➔  Feisty~

► Sex ➔  Fuck yeah.

► Summer or winter ➔  Summer. The lower dip, the better, I like a free chest.

► Morning or afternoon ➔  Afternoon, best energy there.

EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE

► Are you in love ➔   Does being in love for the night count?  *wiggles eyebrows*

► Do you believe in love at first sight ➔  Nah, not really.

► Who ended your last relationship ➔   Me, of course. Business before pleasure~.

► Have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔  Probably *shrugs* But I’m sure they enjoyed the ride.

► Are you afraid of commitments ➔  No way--not if it’s worth while.

► Have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔  Hugged, no. Tackled? Let me count, there was Elena, that ass from the street, Rude when when he threatened my ponytail with scissors,   *counting on fingers, continues on mumbling*

► Have you ever had a secret admirer ➔  Hell yeah, probably  // have you though //

► Have you ever broken your own heart? ➔  Hell no... Only one that’s gonna treat me right is me.

SIX CHOICES

► Love or lust ➔  Hmm, lust. More fun, less bullshit.

► Lemonade or iced tea ➔  Lemonade, I guess. Is it spiked?

► Cats or Dogs ➔   Why not both? Lamo.

► A few best friends or many regular friends ➔  A few--easier to trust, know they got your back.

► Wild night out or romantic night in ➔  Catch me running the streets shirtless before you catch me cuddling up at home, man.   // unless you find the right person to catch you smitten tho //

► Day or night ➔  Eh, guess it depends on what I’m doing. Day, better for work with clear skies. Night, better mood for some fun. Or espionage. 

FIVE HAVE YOU EVERS

► Been caught sneaking out ➔  Not yet~   *winks*    // yes he has //

► Fallen down/up the stairs ➔  No, what kind of question is that?! Did Elena say something?!!

► Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔  Not that I can remember...

► Wanted to disappear ➔  Nope!

FOUR PREFERENCES

► Smile or eyes ➔  I dunno, both are okay? Smiles can be nice but they can be smug too. Eyes are...eyes?

► Shorter or Taller ➔  How about both?

► Intelligence or Attraction ➔ Eh, both have their merits.

► Hook-up or Relationship ➔ Hook up--for those who think they can handle me.

FAMILY

► Do you and your family get along ➔  Sure.

► Would you say you have a “messed up life” ➔  My life made me who I am  *shrugs* 

► Have you ever ran away from home ➔  Plenty.

► Have you ever gotten kicked out ➔ Oooh yeah~

FRIENDS

► Do you secretly hate one of your friends ➔ Maybe  *shrugs*

► Do you consider all of your friend’s good friends ➔  Partners in crime, sometimes literally.

► Who is your best friend ➔ If you really have to ask, move along.  // Boi in the Shades, of course //

► Who knows everything about you ➔  No one, really, but I guess one or two people know enough.

► Name ➔  Vincent Valentine

► Are you single ➔  Yes.

► Are you happy ➔  I suppose I am, moreso now.

► Are you angry? ➔ No.

► Are your parents still married ➔  My parents are...no longer living.

NINE FACTS

► Birth Place ➔   Kalm   // fanon, sry //

► Hair Color ➔  Black

► Eye Color ➔  Crimson red--runs in the Valentine family.

► Birthday ➔  October 13th, 1950

► Mood ➔  Calm, I suppose.

► Sex ➔  Why is this a question..?

► Summer or winter ➔  Winter.

► Morning or afternoon ➔  Afternoon.

EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE

► Are you in love ➔  No... Not anymore.

► Do you believe in love at first sight ➔  No. People likely believe they experience it, but it’s never true--be smart. Get to know the person, not what you imagine of them.

► Who ended your last relationship ➔   *sighs*  Never exactly had one, and I’m really not understanding the need for these kinds of questions...

► Have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔  A few...yes.

► Are you afraid of commitments ➔  Never was before. Failure crippled me for a time, but not anymore.

► Have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔  Do I look like a hugger?   // he gets hugged, but his arms are usually crossed as an excuse not to hug back //

► Have you ever had a secret admirer ➔  Doubtful.

► Have you ever broken your own heart? ➔  Yes.

SIX CHOICES

► Love or lust ➔  Love, I suppose.

► Lemonade or iced tea ➔  Never drink much of either.

► Cats or Dogs ➔   Cats, I suppose. No real problem with dogs, though.

► A few best friends or many regular friends ➔  A few. Not the social type, but...it’s good to have those you can trust around you.

► Wild night out or romantic night in ➔   I’d rather stick to a private night alone.

► Day or night ➔  Night.

FIVE HAVE YOU EVERS

► Been caught sneaking out ➔  No.

► Fallen down/up the stairs ➔  ?

► Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔   A long time ago.

► Wanted to disappear ➔   Many times.

FOUR PREFERENCES

► Smile or eyes ➔  Is this a general question? Or romantic/sexual?

► Shorter or Taller ➔  Do people really get picky about height...?

► Intelligence or Attraction ➔ Really...

► Hook-up or Relationship ➔ I imagine a relationship would be more worthwhile, if you can find a right person.

FAMILY

► Do you and your family get along ➔  We did, mostly. My father and I didn’t have the best relationship...but we knew we loved one another.

► Would you say you have a “messed up life” ➔  I’d said that’s an understatement. 

► Have you ever ran away from home ➔  Not literally, no.

► Have you ever gotten kicked out ➔ No.

FRIENDS

► Do you secretly hate one of your friends ➔   They can give me a headache some times, but no, I don’t hate them.

► Do you consider all of your friend’s good friends ➔   Yes. After what we went through, over and over, it’s hard not to accept that.

► Who is your best friend ➔  I don’t...have a best? Who do I understand the best? Cloud, I suppose.

► Who knows everything about you ➔  I’ve yet to allow anyone to, but letting some know parts, little by little.

► Name ➔  Kadaj.

► Are you single ➔  Yes.

► Are you happy ➔  No.

► Are you angry? ➔  Unsatisfied and angry, would describe me these days.

► Are your parents still married ➔  ---

NINE FACTS

► Birth Place ➔   I don’t have one.

► Hair Color ➔  Silver.

► Eye Color ➔  Emerald green.

► Birthday ➔  Don’t have one, once again...

► Mood ➔  Impatient.

► Sex ➔  ?

► Summer or winter ➔  Winter.

► Morning or afternoon ➔  Morning.

EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE

► Are you in love ➔   Ha! 

► Do you believe in love at first sight ➔  Nonsense.

► Who ended your last relationship ➔ ---

► Have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔  ---

► Are you afraid of commitments ➔  I’m not afraid of anything. I’m committed to my mission.

► Have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔  ---

► Have you ever had a secret admirer ➔  Who cares?

► Have you ever broken your own heart? ➔  ...

SIX CHOICES

► Love or lust ➔  Useless.

► Lemonade or iced tea ➔  ---

► Cats or Dogs ➔   ---

► A few best friends or many regular friends ➔  I don’t have friends. I have pawns, and I have enemies.

► Wild night out or romantic night in ➔   Waste.

► Day or night ➔  Day.

FIVE HAVE YOU EVERS

► Been caught sneaking out ➔  Useless question.

► Fallen down/up the stairs ➔  No.

► Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔   Yes...and I intend to find it...

► Wanted to disappear ➔  ...What kind of question is that..?

FOUR PREFERENCES

► Smile or eyes ➔  Who cares.

► Shorter or Taller ➔  Again, who cares.

► Intelligence or Attraction ➔ Intelligence, what use are you without a competent mind?

► Hook-up or Relationship ➔ Who. Cares.

FAMILY

► Do you and your family get along ➔  ---

► Would you say you have a “messed up life” ➔  Depends on if you believe I have a life.

► Have you ever ran away from home ➔  Don’t have a home to run away from.

► Have you ever gotten kicked out ➔ ---

FRIENDS

► Do you secretly hate one of your friends ➔ I openly hate my dear brother.

► Do you consider all of your friend’s good friends ➔  ---

► Who is your best friend ➔ ---

► Who knows everything about you ➔  Mother... She’s the only one who knows...

[daz4i]

uuuuuh ok i really need to vent rn probably but 1 on 1 convos are a bit too intimate for me rn heh, hoping the read more thingie works properly, this’ll probably contain heavy themes of suicide and depression and all that jazz so please don’t read if you are/could be triggered by that stuff

like 2 days ago i got an idea for. well. a way to kill myself that i haven’t actually tried yet. but there’s a good chance it’ll fail honestly. and i do have a good chance for it now, esp bc of how ~poetic~ it’ll be if i do it rn (god this is so edgy of me asjhdf). but i’m a fucking coward and also don’t wanna know what’ll happen if i fail tbh (i mean, i’ll either be in a hospital or a mental ward, both are terrible and also super ironic considering it’s my birthday and one reason i was so dreading it is bc i spent my 16th and 19th bdays in hospitals). and my head and chest are filled with this feeling you get when you almost die or experience a lot of pain, like this sort of breathlessness as if i already tried it and i’m not just thinking about it rn, and everything feels kind of far away. honestly this feeling is kind of lessening as i type this, so ig venting was a good idea? but. still. i just,,, really want to die, i spent like 90% of my waking hours in the last week just thinking about suicide and death or actively forcefully avoiding thinking about them and it’s so exhausting, life is so exhausting and so meaningless, i’ve completely given up and like, i wasn’t kidding in my earlier post when i said i peaked at 13 so every birthday is painful bc. well. yeah. i can’t see myself ever getting better or becoming a person or even functioning, i just get worse every day and avoid more and more things every day because i just can’t handle or bring myself to experience anything because everything is too much all the time, and meds don’t help (i’ve tried so many types for so many years and nothing actually made me Better. like, i could go outside and handle social shit better, but i still wanted to kill myself all the time, and my creativity was nonexistent which only made me more suicidal, and i kept getting in fights with people and wasn’t able to hold any friendship), and therapy doesn’t help (been at it since i was like 14-ish, with my current therapist since i was 16, and while i got better in the social aspect, i still feel terrible all the time and can’t bring myself to actually function), and being 21 marks me being being depressed and suicidal for a decade now, nearly half of my life. i don’t think even if i wanted to i could get better or become a person bc every time i try anything i end up being simply unable to handle it because of trauma related shit or my sensory issues or my depression/anxiety and just. life is boring and the only english word i could find for this is “causing despair”. i just feel so terrible and somehow i STILL can’t bring myself to try to off myself bc i’m a fucking coward who can’t even kill myself right, as all my previous attempts showed me, and failing is too risky now that i know how awful it is to be in a hospital, esp considering my trauma from it. just. i’m tired. i’m really fucking tired and birthdays are fucking depressing. both “cards” (idk the english word sry) i got from one of my friends and from my mom had really heavy hints of “please don’t die” which is also kind of depressing bc i’m at this point of my life where everyone just has to actively keep me alive since i’m not able to, or they straight up have to beg me not to kill myself and like. ok i won’t. but what then. i’m not like physically dead but i certainly feel like it on the inside and it’s not like i do anything, and i still have to be alive even at the times when i’m not with you and those times are just. suffering. being alive is suffering being alive is so painful my existence is so pathetic i can’t handle it. i’m exhausted, i never asked to be here, and i would like off this ride please. 

[frisbee-camp]

Let Me Help

AO3 Link//Wattpad Link

Tj and Cyrus have been friends for a long time, but will that change after life comes crashing down and impulsive decisions catch up to them? (Angst, Ambi, love notes, slow burn, aged up so they're all in high school, god tier ships, mental health, and like a whole bunch more ladies! Let’s get this angst.)

Chapter 9 Unresolved 

"What do you mean you saw them kiss!?" Cyrus had practically yelled, Nala jumped. Andi and Buffy had told Cyrus that they saw Jonah with Walker the entire night, practically attached to the hip. "He's been avoiding us a lot lately," Andi frowned and bit her lip. Buffy nodded and added, "Plus, Marty said there were rumors that Walker was dating a boy." "But, Jonah?" Cyrus said, slumped, "Jonah Hercules Beck is straight..." "No one's straight Cy," Andi said as they pointed between themselves and Cyrus, "we would know." "Yea, but..." Cyrus trailed off. He had totally believed Jonah Beck™ was 100% straight. But now that he knew he was with Walker, he felt a sudden urge of jealousy. He was the complicated one, he was the gay one, not perfect and popular Jonah Beck. Cyrus grimaced, his cheeks felt hot. "Cyrus?" Buffy said, "are you alright? It's OK to be jealous." "Yeah Cy, we all know you liked Jonah, it was pretty obvious," Andi said smiling, "but now that means you can focus on TJ! Who has a total massive humungo crush on you!"  "Guys, I don't know why I said I liked him, I think it's because he defended me. It's because he defended me right? I mean no guy will ever like me," Cyrus said as his friends gave him shocked looks. "You've got to be kidding right! You've got the toughest guy in all of Jefferson basically in love with you and you don't even see it? You're all he sees Cyrus! D'you think he'd punch his longest friend over anyone? Don't be so oblivious," Buffy huffed, clearly over Cyrus' lack of self-esteem. After that, their conversation shifted to Buffy complaining about all of the girls that flirted with Marty and Andi complaining about never being able to see Amber because of her work schedule. Cyrus stayed silent for most of it, thinking back to when he woke up in his own sweater. Any other jock would have thought it was embarrassing or dorky, but TJ had kept it. His heart skipped a beat. Maybe he did like TJ? But, at the same time, he thought about how Jonah was going out with Walker, and that made his skin burn. It was worse than when Andi dated him, at least then he thought he had no chance, but now? Now that Jonah was, bi? pan? questioning? Whatever, Cyrus was still bitter. He envied Walker. What did he have that Cyrus didn't? Art skills? He could take a class. He's an artist! He'd won an award for his screenplay. Whatever, he thought, I'll just make Jonah jealous, we'll see how he feels then.  When his friends had left after telling him that their "relationship intervention" was over, Cyrus received a text from TJ.  From Cool Basketball Guy!!!: Hey Cy, hope you got home safe and everything, I'm sorry I punched Reed... Are we still cool? 😬 To Cool Basketball Guy!!!: Yes :0 thanks again,,,,,sry i was a mess lol. see you tomorrow?  From Cool Basketball Guy!!!: Of course :) See you at lunch? To Cool Basketball Guy!!!: Yup WOOP WOOp 💥 Cyrus couldn't help but frown at his own text message. Ugh, I'm such a dork. He immediately texted Buffy and Andi for help.  To GHC👩🏻👩🏾‍🦱🌈❣️: Cyrus 💕🕍✨: I think I just said I liked him because he defended me, so I'm overthinking it right? Like we're friends, so nothing will happen PLUS HES A HET!!1 ANDIII😽: cyrus stop overthinking everything, this happened with me and amber too remember???? BufFY 😩🙆🏽‍♀️: HE LIKES YOU DONT BE A DUMBBASSSSSS, THE ENTIRE SCHOOL KNOWSSSSSSSS LOOK AT THE VIDEO I DMD YOU ON IG GODDAMN  ANDIII😽: Buffyyyy we weren't supposed to show him that.... BufFY 😩🙆🏽‍♀️: he needs to know Cyrus was never into social media, he only went on to comment encouraging things on his friend's new posts. He even had his notifications off, but once he opened the underused app, his screen was filled with dm's, new followers, and comments. He quickly scrolled through most of them. Many of them asked if he was Dating TJ?! One said Hi cy i know u dont know me but ur like really brave another said idk who ur kidding, tj is straight lmaooo and another said hey is it true? His heart raced, he suddenly needed to stand up. Where would people get such an idea? Sure, people must have seen TJ fighting with Reed, but he didn't think people would connect that to him. TJ was respected, Cyrus wasn't, why would Tj's actions be caused by Cyrus? Cyrus opened Buffy's direct message, which had been pushed to the bottom of his feed by the time he went looking for it. It was a dark video, but Cyrus managed to catch an out of focus TJ and Reed standing in Iris' living room. He turned up the volume,  "-somewhere else!"  He heard Tj say, he looked disheveled and sweaty. "GOD, What is with you. Do you like him or something?" Cyrus gasped at the same time as the camera person. Is this the source Buffy and Andi were talking about? "So we were right, you do like him! And now you're choosing him over us?! We've been friends longer than you have with that loser-" Cyrus' eyebrows raised as he saw TJ's fist come in contact with Reed's face. The rest of the video was a blur of curse words and drunk teenagers chanting "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!"  Cyrus sat down on his bed, unable to comprehend what had just seen. Now he knew why he was getting so many notifications. He didn't know TJ could resort to violence like that. Hearing about a fight is much different than seeing that. But, he smiled. TJ had defended him, plus someone liked him! Him! Anxious, depressed, confused Cyrus Goodman who hated loud noises and sports. He felt light and airy, but most importantly he felt needed, more needed than ever. He had almost wanted to come out to his parents right then and there. They were all there, of course, sipping their wine about twenty feet away. He had quickly texted his friends a shocked cat gif and turned off his phone as he walked out of his room with newfound confidence.  "Hey Cy," one of his parents had called to him suspiciously, he didn't care which. TJ Kippen liked him and maybe he liked him back.  "Hello parentals," Cyrus said cheerily as he sat in an empty dining room seat, they were still having brunch, which had now turned into wine and ice cream. Cyrus picked at the leftover grapes and popped them into his mouth grinning.  "You look very happy today Cy, what did those girls do to you in there?" Norman joked. Cyrus shrugged and chucked uncomfortably.  "Whatever happened to that girlfriend of yours Cy? Ilene was her name?" a mom said. "No Sharron, it was Ivy," Todd said. "No, I'm pretty sure it's Isa," Leslie said. "Guys, you're all wrong. It's Iris. And we were never really together and I don't want to talk about this with my parents right now," Cyrus got up to leave, but one of his parents called out to him.  "Wait! Cy! Don't close us off so quickly. Just tell us, are there any new girls we should know about?" Shannon wiggled her eyebrows, Leslie nudged her side. Cyrus laughed a little too loud, "NO," he said, "no girls mom, never."  "Never?" Todd said, quizzically. Cyrus stopped. Did I just out myself through a joke? Am I really boo boo the fool?  "Cyrus?" His mom said, "do you want to tell us something we might already know? You know you can trust us." Cyrus thought about how his parents were trained in observing and analyzing. He knew that if he didn't answer, then they'd know he was hiding something if he answered too quickly they'd also know, and if he said anything at all they'd also know. He stood still instead, hoping that some being would impossibly teleport him to a different planet. Maybe Pluto? he thought Pluto is cute, and very far away from here.  "Cyrus?" His parents called again. Cyrus stared at the wall behind them, unable to speak. He gave one last chuckle and turned to walk a little too quickly to his room. He put on his headphones, played his playlist titled I'M A BIG FAT HOPELESS ROMANTIC and looked at the messages left on his phone. They ranged from encouraging Bitmojis to angry girls telling him to back off.  Oh my god, tomorrow is going to be hell. Cyrus spent the rest of the day nervously doing his homework in anticipation of tomorrow. Normally, he'd text TJ whenever he was nervous, but now that he was the reason for his anxiety, he stuck to his history notes. He had come out of his room only when he knew half of his parents were gone. Monday morning was relatively quiet, his parents had decided to not ask him about what had happened yesterday, which he was eternally grateful for. However, that was not the root of all of his worry.  Once he got to school, Cyrus immediately knew something was different. For the first time in his life, people his age noticed him. Everyone's eyes followed him down the hall, to and from his classes, and even during the peak hallway traffic. Thankfully, he had Buffy and Andi the entire day to protect him. Sure, they could protect him from direct attack, but he could still see kids whispering and pointing at him.  During lunch, Andi, Buffy, and Cyrus sat at their usual spot.  "Okay you guys, things are different now, be prepared." Buffy had warned them both. Cyrus felt uneasy, he knew something was about to happen, but he didn't know what. They had been discussing how to address Jonah's new boyfriend without being overbearing. They decided to not bring it up.  Just then, Marty and Amber walked up to the table and sat next to their respective partners, leaving Cyrus alone with his muffin for the millionth time. He thought about texting TJ, but he didn't know what to say to him.  "Cyrus!" Amber said, "I'm glad you're feeling better. TJ should be here soon."  Suddenly, the cafeteria doors opened and in came Jonah holding hands with Walker. Cyrus made a fist. They sat down a little too happily, Cyrus looked down at his tray. He felt tears pool in his eyes.  "Hello there," Buffy eyed them. Cyrus tentatively looked over at Jonah who seemed grounded. There was something different about him as if a light he didn't know existed had been turned on. He watched as Jonah talked to his friends, he didn't listen to what they were saying, he was too busy looking at how Jonah looked at Walker every so often just to smile at him. Cyrus wanted that. He wanted someone who understood him, someone who grounded him in reality, someone that didn't make him feel so lost.  "So," he heard Jonah say in his direction, "I heard that TJ likes you. I thought you guys were already together?" Cyrus thought he heard a twinge of jealousy in his voice, but it might have been his imagination.  Cyrus suddenly couldn't handle it anymore, from the stares to the questions, to gently coming out to his parents, it was too much. He silently stood up. His friends eyed him. "I need," Cyrus started but couldn't seem to verbalize his thoughts. What did he need? Something, he needed something. "Something," he said, before quietly packing his things and walking towards the cafeteria exit. Before he could exit, he saw TJ walk in. Cyrus saw the confidence oozing out of him, his stomach churned.  "Hey," TJ smiled at him, "Where are you headed? Lunch just started." "Oh, I was going to uh-" Cyrus looked up at Tj, Did his face get cuter? "I uh, was going to go sit with Andi and Buffy and them," he looked for an escape, but TJ was already turning him back around to join his friends.  "Come on then silly, they're the other way," TJ grinned. Cyrus hid behind TJ for most of the walk back to the table, the whispers they were getting were becoming unbearable, he wanted to cry. He couldn't make himself look his friends in the eyes when he sat back down. "Is this the something you needed?" Marty chuckled, Buffy jabbed him with her elbow. Cyrus fiddled with a broken spork as his friends continued talking about Jefferson gossip. Tj had inched himself closer to Cyrus, he let him. He hadn't noticed how different he felt with TJ around. How much easier living seemed to be. Before he knew it, he and TJ were shoulder to shoulder, leg to leg. He still couldn't bring himself to look at his friends, but they were used to his daily mini meltdowns. TJ started to laugh at something Walker had said, Cyrus grinned slightly He fits in so well. He saw Tj look down at him worried, he gently pried the spork out of his hands, it had started to draw blood. Cyrus hadn't noticed.    "What's wrong? Do you want to leave?" Tj softly asked him. Cyrus gave a small nod, his heart lurched. There were too many eyes on him.  Tj quickly packed away his things and gave his friends an excuse. Before walking away, Cyrus saw Jonah frown at them.  Cyrus didn't know where Tj was taking him, but he didn't really care. In the hallway, Cyrus thought he heard a noise. Once they rounded the corner, he saw Reed, Lester, and a couple other boys he didn't know. He gulped. TJ moved in front of him. "AYYYY look who it is!" Reed said, throwing his arms up.  "Leave me alone Reed," TJ said, trying to walk through.  "Bro, we're still bros. I forgive you for the other night. I know you were drunk and shit." Reed leaned in closer and said something to TJ that Cyrus couldn't hear, but made TJ look back at him.  "Dude, leave him alone," Lester said, pushing on Reed's shoulder.  "Hey, I just want to know what we're all thinking. So Teej, what is it? Are you still choosing this dork over your bros?" Reed said. The rest of the gang looked apprehensive, they didn't care enough to cause a scene. "Dude, just leave it," One boy said worried.  "Shut up," TJ said quietly, "Just shut up." Cyrus saw TJ ball his fists and tense up. Lester moved towards Tj, but Reed stopped him with his arm.  "Tell us," Reed said.  TJ stayed still. "Teej-" Reed had said before Cyrus heard bodies hit the floor. He closed his eyes. There was yelling, sneakers hitting the floor, and eventually, he heard the voices of teachers. Someone pushed him against the wall, someone else called his name, someone else touched his hair. He didn't want to open his eyes. 

[machudson]

ship files ask meme uhhhhh jonq/daisy and maribella? (Couldn’t not ask maribella skskdkdkgkg sry). u have Gud ship opinions

yeyeyeyeyeyyeessssss ok i started this last night and then fell asleep LOL

jonquil/daisy

1. My take on their canon relationship: GOD its so good its just .... jonquil being bad at feelings and daisy being Oblivious. i have most definitely said this before but they absolutely like, live together for >2 years and get married for “””legal reasons””” before daisy actually realizes Yes, He Is Actually In Love With Her And Is Making A Mostly Successful Effort To Commit To One Person. on a kinda deeper level i saw a photoset a while ago from some tv show ???? maybe movie???? idk female character is talking to bi guy s/o and says “i guess i feel a little insecure, you know; its not like i can give you what a man can” and i feel like that Sorta connects to how daisy feels abt jonquil.... she knows at the back of her mind that yeah, hes in love with her to some degree, but she just doesn’t think she’s The One? that at the end of the day they’re really Just Friends and he’ll find someone else someday and move on and that shes just another Basic White Girl .... she has a kinda low self esteem really really deep down but doesnt rly acknowledge it herself and Sure As Hell doesnt let other people see it . wow that got kinda depressing .. im tired thats my excuse

2. Do I ship them: YES its good

3. Reasons why I do/don’t ship them; partially cause its endgame i guess but also just........ Fucjk Man . im emo about these two!!!! nothing really specific is coming to mind right now but its just So Good

4. Headcanon, if any: theyre both kiiinda closed about it to other ppl but theyre both BIG on science stuff especially various biology things (jonquil plant boy of course, daisy mostly medical sciences) and on several occasions daisy has kinda just Barged Into his room/house/etc to share the latest major scientific development . its good. 

5. How much do I ship (%): 87% i love them but im also kinda [adds cosmo in too ] better

maribella

1. My take on their canon relationship: FRIENDS TO LOVERS ^100. they were close friends for a rly rly long time and then somewhere around age 11-13 they just started being like....... hm.  what if, we dated Each Other .... And Thus. The Power Couple. also when they broke up marian didnt actually..... want to break up and it hurt her Almost as much as it hurt bella, she just sorta felt a social pressure to do so bc continuing to date bella/have her on the team after she, you know, Did That would just sorta be ??? bad pr i guess, and also kinda disrespectful to clem (of course to bella it cuts like a knife that marian valued respecting clem, Known Bully, over their relationship and 10+ year friendship) 

2. Do I ship them: yes yes yes

3. Reasons why I do/don’t ship them: im 90% sure i started shipping them bc of you lol,,,,, theyre just. so good together. like two peas in a pod.... like. um. im tyring to think of metaphors but im tired. like twin cherries??? THE POINT IS they fit together perfectly and grew up around each other and truly Know Each Other to the highest degree. same wavelength on every level

4. Headcanon, if any: in bup, the two have a sort of ‘secret spot’ thats a lake out on the edge of town, not incredibly far away but remote enough that not a lot of ppl go there .... its their Prime Hangout Spot + where they confessed and had their !!First Kiss!! its good. also post breakup they inconveniently both choose it as their Have A Nice Long Cry Away From Other People Who Will Be Concerned About You spot and on more than one occasion they run into each other there and its The Worst but at the end of the day theyre both kinda ??? thankful they ran back into each other even for just a short time

5. How much do I ship (%): 90% PLEASE let them get back together !!!!! i know it will never happen but a fair portion of my brain continues to be We Poppin The Biggest Bottles When Maribella 2 Happens At The End Of Final Match

[chispas-and-broken-bindings]

I think the part is so wild to me...is not that women choose to stay-at-home, or not work outside of the home...like, if that is what fulfills you and makes you happy, ((and you can afford it)) that is GREAT. Go you. 

My mom stayed at home for the majority of my childhood, and it was nice. My parents had me (the youngest of four) when they could both finally afford for someone to stay home, and as my mom worked through the many years my dad was getting degrees, it made sense for her to stay home, now that he was making buco bucks and they had four kids with wildly divergent interests and busy schedules. And my mom is a really fucking good mom. Did she define herself as a housewife? or defer to my dad...no. She is an extremely outspoken liberal atheist, who disagrees with my dad (to varying degrees) on politics, religion, current events, and how to spend their money. (Emphasis on their). 

She hates cleaning. She loves cooking. She used to sew. Now she doesn’t. She helped found our town’s youth soccer league. She sat on numerous boards. She forgot to pick me up from school a lot during the O.J. Simpson trials. She stopped packing lunches as soon as we could pack our own. Babies love her and she loves babies. She swears like a sailor. She’s extremely fashionable. She traveled all the time, often leaving us to (gasp) fend for ourselves. She let my brothers get their ears pierced when they were in elementary school, causing a HUGE controversy in our conservative Midwestern town. She smokes pot. 

In essence, she contains multitudes. As do we all. And she’s amazing. 

I think that’s what’s so weird about this trad wife stuff. What feels so odd, especially now, is tying homemaking and care-taking and child-rearing to being somehow inherently ”feminine”. And assuming ambition, aggression, and whatever else b.s. attributes are “masculine”. Why do people feel the need to tie all these completely unrelated traits to these rigid identities? 

Can’t we be messier and more complicated than that? CAN’T WE???? 

I just keep thinking about the day one of these women wakes up and thinks, “oh god, I don’t want to be a homemaker anymore” or the day her husband has a nervous breakdown and doesn’t want to be a breadwinner. 

Is there room in these relationships for change? and growth? and maybe a more hodge-podge approach to identity, marriage and homemaking and child-rearing? (the social science major in me really wants to tie this to capitalism. I know...sry)

And...maybe there is. But from what I’ve seen today...it seems awfully rigid. 

--

I also keep thinking about the years my husband was a stay-at-home dad. 

I was spiraling six months after our son was born...and the solution, for us, was for my husband to sell his business and stay home. And it saved me. It saved us. And I’m soooooooo fucking grateful that my husband never tied his masculinity or identity to some antiquated bullshit about breadwinning, and I’m so glad we could solve a very real problem without all that baggage, and we could just do what we needed. 

And it was GREAT. 

I loved it. I loved being taken care of. I loved coming home to a clean house. I loved watching the relationship develop between my husband and my son. I loved that he got really into baking bread, and building shit (which is his career now). I loved that when I was neglecting my own self-care, he stepped in and packed suitcases for me when we traveled, and scheduled doctors appointments, and bought clothes for me when I couldn’t find the energy to do the basics. I loved how close he grew with my mom. And how they’d gang up on my dad and I for being absolutely useless around the house (but in a loving way). 

And then, when time passed, and I emerged from my post-partum depression haze, and found my professional footing again and the mensch was itching for more time with other kids, and my husband was ready to dive into a new business...I love that we changed it up again. 

Because people change. Relationships change. Needs and wants and ambitions change...and I just feel very strongly that you need to leave room for that change to happen. 

I don’t know...this is a lot of rambling, but like I said, I HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS. 

I have fallen down a dark hole of watching tradwife youtube videos… and I have SOOOOO many thoughts. 

[alienkidddo]

all of the ice cream asks? Or every other flavor

this took me so long but it was fun, thank u!

chocolate: when was your first kiss?

freshman year of high school, i was probably 14

french vanilla: how old are you?

19

cotton candy: three places you want to travel to?

spain, austria, & argentina

strawberry: a language you wish you could speak?

spanish!! i took it from kindergarten - sophomore year of high school, but i can only recognize phrases here & there

coffee: favorite cosmetic brands?

nyx & kat von d (i know she’s problematic, but if we canceled every single problematic person, we couldn’t support any brand or celebrity)

mint chocolate chip: indoors or outdoors?

outdoors if the weather’s nice

cookie dough: do you play any instruments?

piano & cello

rocky road: favorite songs at the moment?

fuckthepopulation - suicideboys

october - lil peep

og beeper - asap rocky

bad things - mags

sea of love - cat power

butter pecan: favorite songs for life?

always anything by modern baseball i’ll be emo forever

cheesecake: what’s your zodiac sign?

capricorn

toasted coconut: the beach or the pool?

the beach but i don’t like getting in the ocean

chocolate chip: what’s your most popular post?

i think a picture i took a long time of a flower

bubblegum: books or movies?

books

pistachio: manga or anime?

neither sry

salted caramel: favorite movies?

the hannibal series

birthday cake: favorite books?

the harry potter series of course & the secret life of bees by sue monk kidd

peanut butter: favorite academic subject?

math

black raspberry: do you have any pets?

i have 2 cats at my parents’ house!! i’m moving out in a month & don’t get to take them, so we’ll probably get a lil baby of our own

mango: when and why did you start your blog?

when i was like??? 13-14???? and bc i was emo i was one of those black & white depression blogs for a hot min

mocha: ideal weather conditions?

sunny but with a nice breeze

black cherry: four words that describe you?

this one’s hard,,,,,,, ambitious, kindhearted, fragile, & anxious

neapolitan: things that stress you out?

crowds, men

raspberry truffle: favorite kind of music?

indie probably

chocolate marshmallow: favorite brands of candy?

mmm those lil strawberry candies that old ppl give ya? delicious

toffee: a card game that you’re good at?

euchre

lemon custard: do you eat breakfast?

yes

dark chocolate: turn ons?

my man

fudge: turn offs?

people assuming it’s cool to send me dick pics or asking me for sex bc i’m open about my sex life on social media

peach: how do you relax?

light some incense, smoke a blunt, & read a book or doodle

praline: a popular book you haven’t read yet?

recently i’ve been wanting to read dracula! a classic that i never got around to in high school

superman: do you like sweaters?

oversized men’s sweaters are the comfiest things ever

cherry: do you drink tea or coffee?

both, but more frequently coffee

dulce de leche: an instrument you wish you could play?

i rly just wish i was more skilled w the cello

blackberry: have you ever laughed so hard you cried?

yes, the specific memory coming to mind is one from middle school but it was iconic

ginger: a new feature you wish tumblr could have?

i’m not on here enough to really care, i just pop up randomly, reblog some things, & disappear for the rest of the day

blueberry lemon: favorite blogs?

^^^

almond: favorite mean girls quote?

i haven’t seen it in so long, i wouldn’t know

butterscotch: what color are your nails right now?

not painted, i work in a restaurant

cinnamon: have you ever been confessed to?

i’m sure i have

blue moon: have you ever had a crush on someone?

of course

cappuccino crunch: do you take naps?

lmao i don’t even sleep at night

mint: the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done?

i have absolutely no idea i try to repress all embarrassing or bad memories

EDIT: i literally mentioned it up above it was definitely my black & white depression posts tumblr phase

brownie batter: do you like sushi?

i’m vegetarian so i can’t eat most of it, but i’ve tried some veggie rolls & they were good!

key lime: where do you want to be right now?

this is gay but in my bf’s & my new apartment that we move into next month!!!

red velvet: do you wear prescription glasses?

am i supposed to? yes. do i? absolutely not.

green tea: favorite flavors of ice cream?

mint chocolate chip or something coffee flavored for sure

i just deleted the fav manga/anime ones bc i’m not into either