#spn Purgatory

[slytherintothedms]

"I think too much heart was always castiel's problem" is said by the angel samandriel, while looking dean right in the eyes

[rivers-oc]

Purgaygory

[sleepywillow-trees]

New art piece in progress ❤️❤️ I love how much Dean cared about cas In purgatory

[ananke-xiii]

little convoluted thought that ends beautifully, I promise.

So Purgatory Dean/Benny and Summer of Love/Demon!Dean Dean/Crowley stories are structurally very similar and I would even go as far as saying that they are the fundamentally the same but I can't because Dean/Crowley is a deterioration of Dean/Benny in the sense that while Benny did indeed help Dean, even though he had an ulterior motive, their relationship was based on more or less equal footing (Dean had more power in their dynamic) and respect of the terms of agreement.

Both stories have two more characters in them, i.e. Sam and Cas but their function is not the same. While Sam's is a sort of wake-up call for Dean to go back to reality, Cas is the one who bookends these two stories. Both Purgatory arc and Demon!Dean arc are closed when Dean and Cas reunite.

Now.

These two arcs are basically about Dean escaping reality. Which means he doesn't like his reality and probably needs/wants something more, different or for the first time out of it. Purgatory is pure and easy, Crowley's summer of love is fun and free. And yet they both REALLY end when Cas is back into the picture.

Mmmmm.

The fact that Dean wants/needs more and that his heart desires something he can't or doesn't want to admit is not something I'm making up. This is literally the core theme of both s10 and 11. S8 Purgatory is about the realization that there is indeed something that Dean needs and perhaps even wants (he's very adamant about it in Purgatory where he could feel "pure" and where purity means black and white mentality and free killing) but s9 tells him that he can't have that. Not having all of his wants and needs met dangerously leads Dean to a dark path from s9 onwards when he tries to symbolically go back to Purgatory via Mark of Cain (black and white mentality, more black than white lol, free killings without guilt, fake and consuming feeling of being in control of your life if you only have that ONE thing.... ((the blade, the imaginary lover, the stripper etc))). Of course it doesn't work because Purgatory was real but it was also a different place than the everyday world where its rules don't apply (no free killing for you here, Dean. Well, more or less, only your usual).

S11 pointedly ends with Amara telling Dean she gave him something that he needs, his mother. Which is true for all human beings: maternal love is indeed the primary need to be nurtured and cared for. So Amara did learn one thing or two about humans after all. And since we're here, she presumably didn't have to give Dean what he wanted because he could get it himself.

Because if his stints in Purgatory and demonhood were Dean looking for something he needed and wanted that ended when Dean reunited with Cas... and now Dean got what he needed because Amara didn't have to give Dean what he wanted because he could get it by himself... Would that mean?! Yeah, it does.

We're back again to "the one thing I want I know I can't have". It's always about desire, not limited to the physical sense but desire for that something or someone that you want. And maybe even get.

Which made me think of this beautiful poem by Fyodor Tyutchev (ACTUALLY, thinking about this poem made me think of the rest, so this post should be read end to beginning lol):

The Dull Flame Of Desire

I love your eyes, my dear,

their sparkling dancing fire

as they suddenly rise

to embrace everywhere

like lightning in the wilderness -

but there's a stronger charm

when your eyes are lowered

during passionate kisses

and in their downcast lashes

glows the dull flame of desire.

[destiel-wings]

If you could add a supernatural episode what season would you add it to and how would it go (besides the obvious of fixing the finale)

Oh that's such a good question, thank you!!

I have two different ideas for this actually.

One, I would've loved to see a fluffy episode set probably in s13, with Dean, Cas, Sam & Jack doing something domestic/mundane, like finally taking a weekend off to drive to the beach, toes in the sand. Immediately I thought it was impossible for the show to put something so fanfictionesque into the show, except... they could've easily turned it into a funny episode. Like something happens at that beach, some marine witch/monster or a cursed object or anything and weird things begin to happen. But the most important thing would've been... the vibes of the episode. Like, in the wonderful lost beach episode that now lives in my head they were doing something nice & fun all together as a family, and there would've been no horrible drama or consequences... at least for one day. I'm thinking of the vibes of 15x14 Last Holiday (but that episode doesn't feature Cas!!!! And I'll never forgive them for it).

My second idea, i would've loved to see an extra episode in s8 all set in Purgatory, where we follow Dean (and Benny) and really get to see what kind of routine and dangers they faced there. We know Dean stayed there for one year, searching for Cas. Damn. That's A LOT OF TIME. And it's not clear (or at least as in now i don't remember) how much of that time Dean has spent alone, and how much with Benny. Anyway, i think Purgatory is one of the most interesting -and underdeveloped- storylines and i would've loved to see more of it. I'm thinking of an episode entirely set there, told in a series of disconnected scenes that cover the arch of one year and give us a more specific idea of what happened. Where did Dean sleep? What did he eat? What other kinds of monsters hid in the dark? How does the weather work there? And, more importantly, how much was it clear that he missed Cas and longed to find him? What were his thoughts, his rage outbursts towards poor Benny, and what did Dean tell him about the angel they were searching? The one they couldn't seek immediate salvation for? I'm thinking nights around a campfire, with screams in the background and Dean's ache for Cas so visible even in the dark. I'm thinking badass fights in the forest, with angst and survival. I have the vibes of this whole thing so clear in my mind, now, gaah. I need it now.

Ask me more questions if you want <3

[fandom-hoarder]

Ok, having an mpreg!sam thought after rewatching The Werther Project yesterday. @supernaturalkickparty bestie this has so much angst potential

Remember that thing about Sam and Dean being sent to purgatory while Sam is pregnant? that I still haven't gotten back to

What if Dean finds a way in, using Purgatory like a type of cage. Sam, of course, is secretly pregnant-- there hasn't been a good time to tell Dean in all this, and he's been worried telling Dean would have the opposite effect of what Sam wants; that Dean would be more adamant on locking himself away rather than finding a reason to keep fighting to stay. But then he figures out Dean's plan, and shows up just in time to get caught up in the rift, and they're both sent to Purgatory.

It's a very different Dean to the one from that ask, though. It's late stage moc!Dean, and even if the freedom to kill in Purgatory helps redirect the abusive explosions, when Sam finally confesses he's pregnant-- and he hasn't felt the baby move in awhile-- Dean is Not Nice About It. It's out of fear, but the Mark doesn't allow for much nuance. It all comes out as rage.

[cottagecorevampy]

it’s 5am and i’m rewatching s8 spn just to feel something

[roxyandelsewhere]

purgatory supernatural if they weren't cowards (brought to u by William Blake in The Marriage of Heaven and Hell)

[marchtothefuckingsea]

Purgatory - Benny Lafitte

My Masterlist.

Word count: 3.5k

Warnings: Injury, canon typical violence/gore.

x gender neutral reader, hurt/comfort, enemies to allies

Summary: Set after Dean and Benny escape Purgatory, and after Dean kills Benny so he can help Sam escape.

Reader gets separated from Dean permanently, and therefore they are left behind in Purgatory when Dean escapes with Benny. Later on, after Benny was killed to help Sam, Reader meets Benny in Purgatory. After nearly two years in Purgatory, they'll do anything to escape.

The last thing I had expected after staking Dick Roman was to be sent to Purgatory, with Dean and Castiel close behind. Immediately, the air was heavy with something I couldn't place my finger on, but it was a nasty feeling.

It was pitch black, and my back was pressed up against Dean's. I felt his hand grip mine tightly, in an attempt to comfort me. I squeezed his hand back, my breath heavy in my throat.

-

I wasn't sure how long that had been now, but I had barely slept or even rested since then. A year, maybe? Now, in the past week-or at least what felt like a week-I had been run down with a broken ankle, and at this point, I wasn't sure how much fight I had left in me. There was no way I could go on like this for much longer.

I staggered into a tree, blinking and trying to get my eyes to focus. Leaves crunched under feet, and I spun around, my back against the tree. My eyes darted around the clearing. A blurry figure raced between the trees on my right, then another on my left. My breath hitched in my throat. I couldn't do this, not right now.

One of them crashed into me with no warning, knocking the wind out of me and sending us both tumbling to the ground. I scrambled for my makeshift machete, twisting in his grip and slicing his head off. His teeth were sharp and nasty. Vampires.

I had barely staggered to my feet when the other came after me. This time though, I was ready. His head came off with a clean sweep of my blade. The adrenaline wore off quickly, and I stumbled forward, nearly collapsing if it hadn't been for the third vamp tackling me to the ground. My machete flew out of my hand several feet away and I was weak and weaponless; My head spun from the fall, and I was wavering in and out of consciousness. I was barely aware when I felt teeth sink into my neck. Gasping, my eyes widened and my hands weakly went to push the female vampire off of me, to no avail. I felt myself becoming even weaker and weaker as she drained me. My legs kicked against the ground, slowing with every gulp of blood that was drawn from me.

Still, my hand crept towards the machete and my fingers grazed it. With the last of my strength, I brought the blade to her neck, severing her head from the rest of her body. I rolled the headless vampire off of me, and shifted onto my side, curling into a ball. I knew I was already going into shock from the rapid blood loss. My skin was clammy, and I curled onto my side, shivering. My breath came in shallow, rapid gasps.

I let out a soft whimper, curling into myself even more. I was freezing. A twig snapped. My breath hitched in my throat, but I couldn't force my eyes open.

A cool hand pushed against my shoulder, forcing me onto my back. Another monster, for sure. I struggled to open my eyes, and when I did, a man with a beard and a hat was kneeling over me. His teeth were razor sharp, just like a vampire's.

"I'm not gonna hurt you." I blinked, and his teeth were normal. "Name's Benny."

I couldn't find the energy in me to even try to get myself away from him. I just flinched away, pale and shivering, when he reached to help me up. "C-can't." I mumbled through chattering teeth.

"Alright, we can do this 'nother way then." He had a heavy southern accent.

"No." I protested. "Get away from me. I don't need your help."

"You're not gonna make it much longer on your own." He scoffed. "I know a way outta this place."

That got my attention, if only briefly before the thought flitted out of my grasp. My eyes fluttered shut in contemplation. I was confused and scared, and my brain couldn't register anything else.

"C'mon darlin'." I felt arms slide underneath me, but I was too far into unconsciousness to protest.

-

When I awoke, I was floating. No, not floating, I was being carried. My eyes widened. I pushed my hands against the vampire's chest weakly.

"There, there, I haven't drained you yet, have I?" He said, as if that was supposed to be comforting. I shoved myself away from him suddenly, catching him off guard and sending myself crashing to the ground. I struggled onto all fours, then onto shaky, unstable feet as I glared at him.

"Stay back." I said shakily. I didn't have a weapon, but Benny did as I said anyway, raising his hands in surrender.

"I'm not gonna hurt you." He told me, his voice surprisingly gentle. "You're human."

"What's it to you?" I narrowed my eyes, swaying on my feet.

"You're attractin' every creature in a mile's radius. Hell, I could sense your humanity from over a mile away myself." He drawled out jokingly, but I knew he wasn't lying.

"You said you know a way out of here."

"I do."

"And?"

"And I could show you."

"Why should I trust you?"

"'Cause I want out of this place as much as you do, and you're my ticket out." He explained.

"That's reassuring." I muttered, pressing my fingers to my temples. My head was pounding, and I staggered to the side.

"If it means I won't be lettin' you get killed, then I'd say it should be reassurin' to you." The vampire suddenly straightened up, unsheathing his makeshift machete from his side. I stumbled away from him in surprise, but his eyes weren't on me.

"Move!" He hollered, running forward and shoving me to the side before I could even react. I collided with the ground, panicking before I realized it was a much better alternative to what had almost happened. Benny was struggling on the ground with a werewolf, though it didn't take him long to finish the beast off and roll its body off of him with a dull thud.

"Thank you." I said quietly. Lying on the ground a few feet away from me, he turned on his side to meet my terrified gaze, propping himself on his elbow. I had been in Purgatory for what seemed like years now; I was desensitized to death and fear and gore, but what scared me in the moment was how vulnerable I was. I was completely relying on a vampire, of all things, for protection.

"'Course." He nodded, getting to his feet. Wiping the blade on his pant leg, he offered me a hand up. I took it, relying on his support more than I would have liked to admit. "You alright?"

"I'm good." I responded, unintentionally leaning into him. My legs felt like they were going to buckle if I put any more weight on them.

"We gotta keep moving." He pulled my arm around his neck, bending down at the height difference.

"I can walk on my own." I protested, even though I leaned heavily against him as we began to stagger awkwardly through the woods.

"I'm sure you can." He muttered under his breath.

We walked until it began to darken, and my head lolled forward. "We're stoppin' here." I was barely conscious, but I startled awake when he set me on the ground and slid my arm off his shoulders.

"S'okay." Benny reassured me. I nodded, blinking sleep from my eyes.

"Sleep." He told me. "I'll watch."

"I'm good. I just need to rest." I leaned against the tree with a sigh. "Just a couple minutes." I mumbled, my head dropping to the side.

Like always, as soon as I began to drift off, horrible images flashed behind my eyes. People I cared about dying gruesome deaths. I startled slightly, my eyes darting over to the vampire several feet away from me. Curling onto my side with a shiver, I finally fell asleep.

-

The next day, I was still weak and cold, but some of my strength had returned from a decent night's sleep. Dare I say, the best sleep I'd had since I had been dumped into the god forsaken place.

Benny had woken me apologetically. He sensed other monsters nearby, and he didn't want to wait for them to come to us. I managed to limp pretty far by myself this time, before I finally had to give in and accept his help.

"So what's your deal?" I asked him when we had stopped. He sat on a fallen tree trunk with alert eyes, and I leaned tiredly against a tree opposite him.

I felt his eyes on me. "What d'you mean?"

"I mean why haven't you killed me yet?"

"You say yet like you expect me to."

"Can you blame me?" I asked, finally opening my eyes and glancing at him.

"I s'pose not." He allowed. "Good call."

"What about you? What's a hunter like yourself doin' here?"

At the thought of that, I frowned. "Killed a leviathan." I told him bluntly. "Didn't know those things were a one-way ticket to Purgatory if you were too close."

He raised an eyebrow. "How long ago?"

"No idea, it feels like it's been years." I sighed. "Why?"

"I knew another hunter 'round here. Could say I helped him outta here. Said he was lookin' for someone." My eyes widened.

"No," I whispered. "Dean."

"That rings a bell." He admitted.

"So..He got out?" I asked urgently.

Benny rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. "Yeah, yeah he did."

"Why didn't you hitch a ride with him, then?"

"I did."

I was suddenly suspicious. "How did you end up back here?"

"I know what you're thinkin'. You're right." He straightened up with a sigh. "His little brother got stuck in here. Long story." He added quickly. "Needed someone to get him out."

"And you didn't come back with him?"

"The real world just ain't for me." He wore a dismal expression. "Got nothin' there anymore."

"But now you want to come back."

He smiled faintly. "Thought I'd give it another try."

I nodded, looking off into the distance at the sound of a distant howl. It sounded far, but I couldn't be quite sure of the distance. I glanced at Benny.

"It's far enough." He reassured me. The sky was already darkening again, and I was suddenly aware of how exhausted I was.

"You don't need to sleep, even here?" I questioned him.

He shook his head. "Nah, sleep. I'll watch."

As I settled against the tree, another howl pierced the air, making me flinch. Before on nights like these, I would have stayed up the entire night, on edge and exhausted. But this time, I hesitantly shuffled over to the fallen log Benny was sitting on. At his feet, I pressed my back against the log. I surprised myself, feeling safer with my back to the vampire that I knew was watching over me.

-

A cold hand on my shoulder startled me awake. I quickly relaxed once I realized it was Benny. I was surprised by how much I had come to trust him the past couple of days.

"Time to go, sugar." He kneeled over me, his striking blue eyes taking in my condition. I pushed myself onto my elbows, looking around in confusion. My brain was still working slower than it should have. "You good?"

"Yeah, yeah I think so." I answered quietly, my voice hoarse and scratchy. "Just still a little weak."

"I can tell." He said, backing away. He sat back against a tree, not putting much distance between us. If I stretched my legs out, they would have tangled with his.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Your pulse. It's still weak." He explained. I nodded, getting to my feet and stumbling forward a few steps. He stood quickly, arms out to give me support if need be.

"Water." I said, walking past him.

"What?" He turned slowly, surprised by my sudden burst of energy.

"I hear water." I called back, not stopping. My throat grew more dry now with the prospect of water.

I stopped at a small creek, dropping onto my knees beside it in relief. Cupping my hands, I drank from the source greedily. I heard Benny's footsteps behind me, and I paused for a breath.

"Don't mind me." He nodded towards the creek. I dipped my head back down, and drank for several moments until my thirst was quenched.

I stood up from the creek, just as a voice called out. I froze, glancing to Benny uncertainly.

"Benny! Long time no see." The vampire grinned, showing off his fangs. "Who's the pretty little human?"

"Get behind me." Benny muttered, his voice a low growl. He pushed me behind him and stepped in front of me. His stance was defensive.

I turned to look over my shoulder just as another vamp emerged from the woods.

"Benny," I said into his ear quietly. He looked back, and his face hardened even more. His fangs were out in a threatening manner to the other vamps, and I could see the killer in him now. But I trusted him.

"Did life up there not treat you so well?" The vampire in front of Benny taunted him. "Or did you fall back into old habits?" He grinned.

I spun around, pressing my back to Benny's now and readying my machete. There were only two of them, but they seemed more competent than most of the other bloodthirsty creatures in this place. They had revenge in mind.

"Careful, sweetheart." The vampire called to me. "He's still got that bloodlust. No different from the rest of us, ain't that right?"

"Shut the fuck up." I hissed, but my voice was shaky. He hadn't killed me yet, and he knew Dean. Dean had trusted him, and that was enough for me.

The vampire in front of me moved closer, and so did the one taunting Benny. They were closing in on us.

I hadn't even noticed the small tremors of fear that shook me until I felt Benny grab my hand and squeeze it.

"I'm not lettin' them hurt you." He reassured me, his voice was steady, but I felt the tension in his back.

"Alright, lovebirds." The vampire jeered. "Let's get this over with."

They both came at us simultaneously. The first vampire had dodged Benny's blade and grabbed him by the shoulders, tossing him to the side with a growl. I had to duck to avoid the punch that the other vamp threw at me, but he had been ready for that. I felt a white hot pain in my stomach, and I choked out an agonized cry as he yanked the blade out.

As I fell to the ground, I heard Benny call out to me. While he was distracted, the vampire on him had taken the opportunity to shove him to the ground. The other vamp had left me to help with Benny.

Shrugging out of my flannel, I let out a hiss of pain. Black spotted my vision. I pressed my shirt to the wound hard, pushing myself onto all fours. I could hear Benny's grunts of pain. Staggering to my feet, I gripped my machete in my hand, the other still applying pressure to the stab wound. I swayed on my feet.

They hadn't expected me to get up, obviously, because I staggered over to them and beheaded one of them with no problem. The other whipped around, baring his fangs at me. He slashed my bare forearm with his nails, and I hissed, stumbling back. Benny took advantage of him being distracted, and grabbed his machete. He got to his feet and swiftly executed the vampire.

As soon as the vampire fell to the ground and my brain registered that there was no more threat, it was like all my energy immediately drained. I lurched forward. Benny caught me by my biceps, his blue eyes wide with surprise. I groaned as he lowered me to the ground, my head lolling onto his arm.

"What's wrong, sugar?" He asked, his voice deep and raspy. His fangs were still out, and even though I knew he didn't need to drink blood here in Purgatory, but I also knew the scent of my blood still triggered something in him.

"Stabbed." I whimpered, squeezing my eyes shut. He shifted me onto my back and found the wound on my stomach. He shifted his weight onto it, and I let out a hoarse cry. "It hurts."

"'m sorry darlin'." He muttered. "Put pressure on it." He took my hands and placed them over the wound, pressing down firmly. I couldn't find the energy in me to keep pushing down on the wound though, and so my hands just rested over it. Blood welled up between my fingers.

He grabbed my discarded flannel on the ground and balled it up. Pushing my hands out of the way, he replaced them with the flannel, and began to press down again, hard. I whimpered pathetically, pushing at his hands.

"Stay still." He urged. The next thing I knew, Benny had shrugged out of his coat and spread it over me, provided my shaking form with at least some comfort and warmth from the chilly Purgatory air. He leaned against the tree, shifting to prop my upper half on his lap. I moaned in pain at the movement, resting my hand on top of his. My eyes fluttered shut, and everything was quiet.

-

After that, what should have only taken us another day at most, took four. The first two had been filled with awkward staggering through the woods, because I was too weak and in pain to walk on my own. I didn't know what would happen if I died in Purgatory, all I knew was that I didn't want to find out.

After I had fallen unconcious in his lap when I got stabbed, lines had blurred to an undistinguishable point. Since then, I had slept curled up to him every night, with his arms around me protectively. Every time I startled awake, he would gently talk me back down to sleep, and I would wake up to him humming a tune that sounded vaguely familiar to me.

Now, four days later, I could see the portal in the distance. I could walk on my own now for quite a distance now, but by the end of the day I still ended up leaning on Benny heavily for support. Just like I was now. But when the portal came into view, all of that went out the window, and with a sudden rush of adrenaline, I broke away from him and began to stagger up the hill despite the darkness.

"Wait!" Benny called out, barely managing to grab my arm. I twisted back to look at him, to ask what we were waiting for. "Not yet!"

"It's right there! Let's just go!" I insisted. We had finally made it to the doorway back to the real world, and I was chomping at the bit to go. Especially with night closing in on us again all too soon.

"Y'ain't gonna make it through alive. Not right now." Benny argued, his blue eyes reflecting the flash of the portal.

"What was even the point then?" I was furious.

"I'm not lettin' you die tryin' a get outta here too soon." He snapped, surprising me. I shrank away, stumbling back on still-unsteady legs. I saw immediate regret in his eyes.

"You're still too weak." He said, more gently this time. His hands tentatively rested on my biceps. "It won't be too long, but you need to be ready." I nodded, hanging my head.

"Get some rest, darlin'." His voice was soft. "A couple more days, you'll be good as new." He reassured me.

"But I-" I was cut off by a snarl nearby. I instinctively moved closer to Benny, an arm around my stomach defensively.

"S'okay." He told me, looping an arm around my waist. "C'mon."

We staggered away from the portal, even though everything in me was screaming at me to get out of this god forsaken place as soon as I could.

The glow of the portal was faint when we found a spot to settle down at, but I could see it's light in the dim sky. Benny helped me to the ground, and I groaned when I finally settled down.

I grasped at his coat as he pulled away, and Benny seemed to get my message. He settled himself against a tree trunk, shifting me carefully in his arms. I relaxed against him with a soft sigh, cracking my eyes open one last time.

In the distance, I could see the blue glow of the portal in the sky.

Soon.

[four-of-cups]

Thinking about the way Jensen Ackles continues to characterise Cas as Dean’s ‘brother-in-arms’ and how it ties deeply into both the homoeroticism and the misogyny of spn. 

I love season 8 and I’m rewatching it right now and it just seems like such A Choice to not have introduced any female characters in purgatory. And then to characterise it as a ‘pure’ place.

They really just made purgatory into a homosocial space where violent contests of strength and will determine survival. This is...textbook hegemonic masculinity?

In this context, of course Benny is the companion they come up with. (No shade - I adore Benny.) He's an exemplary brother-in-arms. The wartime allegory isn't exactly subtle and it's clear that the writers and actors are very interested in exploring this space.

But in doing so they end up queering the narrative again because hey - their audience is savvy enough to understand that these cis-male-only hyper-masculine mythologies are closer to propaganda than vehicles for good story-telling.

And we know that excluding other genders from a narrative doesn't inherently diminish a male character’s capacity for love or tenderness or desire.

And so we end up with a driving narrative that feels deeply romantic: the single most important person in this world to Dean is Cas. It could not be more overt in the text that Dean's primary motivation is not getting back to the world or Sam - it's finding and saving his angel.

We’ve seen Cas as the object of Dean’s motivation before and we’ll see it again. But it does feel singleminded in purgatory in a way that I think the show only ever permits in this hyper-masculine space.

Marylin Frye puts it best: "To say that straight men are heterosexual is only to say that they engage in sex exclusively with women. All or almost all of that which pertains to love, most straight men reserve exclusively for other men [...] Heterosexual male culture is homoerotic; it is man-loving."

Purgatory is the stage on which Dean's performance of masculine heterosexuality is most visibly entwined with the show's misogyny and the result is deeply homoerotic.

And it explains, to me at least, why Jensen’s characterisation of Cas as a brother-in-arms feels both romantic and dismissive: it’s true even while it refuses to look at deeper truths. 

It describes a love so deeply overshadowed by a fear of femininity that the shadows of violence and death and sacrifice end up being its only ‘pure’ place of expression. And even there, it remains unnamed. 

[slytherintothedms]

jackles’ texan accent coming out around ty olsson (benny) is the best thing to come out of purgatory

[cas-dyke]

thinking about how dean needed him and sam got a dog

[scrivenette]

SPN S8Ep5: Blood Brother

Last night, for the first time in a very long time, I re-watched “Blood Brother.” I have observations:

1) When Dean and Benny get into the dinghy to go over to Prentiss Island, Benny talks about not knowing what is real, and Dean gives him the “This is real. We are.” speech that Cas gives Dean later in the series. I never realized that before. Oh Dean, your heart breaks for Benny, you want him to succeed in this world, and you want to save him so much!

2) The purgatory flashback in which Benny and Cas get into an argument is extra funny when Dean says to the two of them, “You two are killing me!” Like, yes, dude, they’re fighting over *you*, their baby; deal with it!

3) Later in another purgatory flashback, Benny saves Cas and then gives him a hand up off the ground. All I could think was that Benny knows Dean loves Cas and so therefore Benny will save Cas for Dean. And, of course, the opposite is true as well. It’s obviously a moment of recognition for each of them. Dean has no idea what a prize princess he is for them both. 🙂

4) When Dean, Benny, and Cas get to the portal, Dean slices open his and Benny’s forearms and they grip each other tight so that Dean can be raised from Pur . . . gatory. So Benny is to Dean in Purgatory as Cas was to Dean in Hell.

5) I love that, at the end of the episode, if you watch carefully, you can see Benny looking past Andrea, and giving Dean the slightest of nods to kill her. And later, if you weren’t watching carefully, when Benny asks Dean why he did “it”, for a moment, we are set up to think that the Benny is asking Dean why he killed Andrea. But that isn’t it at all, of course. The silent understanding between Dean and Benny is the equal of that between Dean and Cas. It kills me every time.

6) Benny has beautiful blue eyes, just like Cas does. Apparently, Dean has a type.

[ananke-xiii]

Betrayal&Fidelity in Purgatory

I've never been fully convinced that Dean modified his memories because his grief was just too much to bear and I've always been quite let down by the idea that Cas felt like he had to do penance for his sins. It's all too lukewarm for me so I went looking for other interpretations and oh boy. So, here's what I've come up with.

Cas and Dean are in Purgatory because they killed Dick Roman together and they did so because Dean asked Cas to go with him cursed or not. And Dean asked Cas to because Cas didn't want to. And Cas didn't want to because he regained his memories back, realized what he had done during his Godstiel arc and declared himself unable, cursed and useless. However, thanks to Dean Winchester's great power of persuasion, he was convinced to join the fight against the Leviathans because he detected a note of forgiveness in Dean's voice.

S7 Dean's and Cas' relationship boils down to this: Cas has forgotten everything while Dean can't stop thinking about what happened (the trenchoat moved from car to car is a nice visual symbol for this). When Cas is found out to be alive Dean is very torn between relief and... resentment. He seems to be quite angry at Cas not because of what Cas had done but because Cas had forgotten about it and had later decided he wasn't gonna do anything to fix what he had broken. In other words, Cas was refusing to remember his betrayal, more specifically his betrayal against Dean. And Dean wants him to remember. Cas told him he was going to find a way to redeem himself and then he died. And then he came back. And he didn't remember a thing. And when he did he was in clear denial and was planning on doing absolutely nothing of import to redeem himself besides making sandwiches.

Has Cas really betrayed Dean in s6? Mmmmmh. I'm not so sure. Does Dean feel betrayed by Cas? Absolutely yes. Does Cas feel like he betrayed Dean? Well, at first no but Dean did his best to make him understand that he did and so he did understand it. And so betrayal it was.

Now, in S8 Purgatory and beyond roles get reversed. Cas and Dean take the meaning of Purgatory in a very different way.

Cas does what Dean wanted him to do: he remembers. In fact, he takes remembering to a whole new level and decides to keep carrying his sin by going solo in Purgatatory fighting the monsters he had inside. Literally. Nice symbolism. In other words, he does penance.

And what does Dean do? He forgets. He's so imbued with what he perceives as the "purity" of Purgatory (which is what "purgatory" means so we really can't blame him if he felt that) that he frees himself of whatever happened before he got there. Now he has one goal in mind: find the angel.

Dean eventually alters his own memories to remember it like he wanted to: he didn't leave Cas behind, he didn't fail him. Cas let go. And, in a way, he didn't erase anything because Cas did let go. Just not physically but emotionally and that's what Dean couldn't bear to remember.

Cas was, once again, unfaithful to him. What?! Yes.

See, a paradox of betrayal is... fidelity.

Betrayer and betrayed are in such a profound bond (eheh) that they need to keep the betrayal alive by constantly remembering it. They can't let go and if one of the two parties does they are committing infidelity.

Truth be told, Dean didn't give two shits about Cas doing penance for his sins against heaven and earth: he cared that he did penance for the crimes committed against him.

So Cas letting go meant that he broke their unconscious vow to be faithful to one another.

He broke the connection (with Dean).

A Cas without Dean is a Cas ready to be reaped by Heaven. And so Cas enters a new abusive cycle of remembering and forgetting, remembering and forgetting by Naomi's brain drilling. Until Dean makes him remember (just like Cas made him remember what happened in Purgatory) and Cas broke another connection (with Heaven) but he also realizes that he will never get free of his past if he stays with Dean. He must protect the tablet (himself) from Dean. And so Cas leaves, he lets go of Dean. Again.

Of course this is not the right path because ultimately Cas thinks he can atone for his sins by... dying. He can reach purification in death. Castiel is indeed the Sam Winchester of the angels.

Thing is that Dean is very, very mad at Cas (this is showed twice in S9 too and once in S10) but he wants Cas to stay without acknowledging (with himself first and with Cas second) why he can bear to have around the guy who broke his brother's brain and for whom he spent one year in Purgatory only to be rejected by said guy (spoiler alert: it's because of love. Dean needs to keep the betrayal experience alive otherwise he will have to face the hard truth: he's in love... with an angel).

On the other hand, Cas feels very ambivalent towards Dean and he wants to stay away from him but he won't acknowledge why he needs to do so (spoiler alert: it's also because of love. Cas needs to let the betrayal experience die otherwise he will have to face the hard truth: he hurt the person he loves. Cas' self-harm inflicting tendencies are at their best by the end of s10 when he declares his allegiance and love to Dean in the moment he very well knows he will never get reciprocation: it's his "safest" option).

To sum it up, the phantom of betrayal must always hang around between Dean and Cas so that the other side of it can be concealed: love. However, by virtue of betrayal's paradox, their insistence on refusing to address this ghost shows how faithful and unfaithful they are to one another, howcommitted they are, how they are almost... married.

More on Cas as the betrayer: the betrayer keeps his fidelity by admitting he has betrayed, by refusing to forget it. They have to do so otherwise the wider context of love is missed. If the betrayer fails to do so they keep wronging the other person and they keep cutting themselves off from self-forgiveness. And so Cas, by refusing to acknowledge his betrayal specifically towards Dean, keeps hurting him and keeps himself in a vicious cycle of self-harm.

This is why "The Trap" feels like it missed something to me: we the audience actually know why and how Dean operates, we know he has forgiven Cas inexplicably (to Dean) since s6. Dean telling Cas in Purgatory that he forgave him was something that... we had already seen.

I would have found it more interesting if Cas told Dean something there and no, it didn't have to be his happiest moment ever, it would have possibly been his worst (and it could have been a good thing: sometimes bad moments are actually good moments): he could have admitted to his infidelity in their perverted version of marriage where the Scariest Thing (betrayal) actually constituted the foundations of their binding contract. It could have been a stepping stone towards "Despair".

There is much more to say because I have only touched upon the "love side" of the betrayal/fidelity dynamics. The other is power and it's possibly an even more interesting angle.

[kitsune024]

Supernatural Fanfiction

A Jungle Full of Hunger by tameimpala

Searing white hot anger pulsated through his entire body. Dean wanted nothing more than to sink his own teeth into the monster’s arm in revenge and finally taste something. After all, it was an eye for an eye. Or in this case- an arm for an arm.

The only food source in Purgatory is Dean, but what if he developed his own taste for the creatures who hunted him?

Set post-season seven and during season eight- AU canon divergence

Chapters 16/16

[bobwess]