#spfpp intimacy

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

SPFPP 292: Rejection is the Risk for the Reward of Connection

Our guest this week reached out on Mother’s Day and it happened to work out for us both to conduct this interview. This is arguably another “Spiritual significance” episode that touches on how our herpes diagnosis can challenge our faith in addition to our relationship with our sexuality and self. Our guest shares about her experience with having gotten herpes from only her third relationship AND HE KNEW ABOUT IT AND DIDN'T tell her, it was his sister. This man had her sign an NDA saying she couldn’t talk about it for 2 years ya’ll and he gave her hush money.

One thing I appreciate about our guest this episode is that her experience is synonymous to the growth and development of SPFPP and myself. There was some brushing up on relationships’ evolution with age and maturity as well. We speak to the quality of intimacy carrying more weight than a high quantity of what may represent the illusion of intimacy, sex. Looking at it from the perspective of a shared and prepared meal, vs something you may get from a drive through or microwave. Something about that analogy sticks with me and I find it to be very supportive in my own ideology of the more you do and practice a thing, the better you get at it. Our guest exemplifies that with her experience being pursued as well.

One piece of wisdom I’d like to leave from my great grandma that I got today was instead of looking for a partner, seek God and let him bring your person to you. I attempt to lay that out for us in a way that allows for anyone to participate in that philosophy, and I invite a Yoga perspective into it in a more digestible way.

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SPFPP 312: Kink as a Treatment for Trauma with Marla Stewart

I put Marla's bio below this description but let me tell ya'll, I came in with three talking points:

1. What is the Sex Down South Conference?

2. Speaking to the intersection of pleasure and safety when it comes to sex

3. Talking about kink as a treatment for trauma

I NEVER make outlines for episodes because typically the content deviates from the topic and I find myself trying too hard to stay on topic but we managed to get an hour of conversation going between us. Marla offers some examples of this with choking and I share some of my own experiences navigating not only the conference but how kink has been helpful to me navigating not just my ideas of sex, but with INTIMACY. If you've been listening to the last few episodes or following me on social media then you know I've been looking at my own relationship to sex and intimacy and invite you to do the same.

Don't forget the herpes survey: www.spfpp.org/survey

Don't forget weekly support group meetings but you gotta be a Patreon subscriber: www.patreon.com/spfpp

Marla (she/her) is a certified sexologist, author, and sexual strategist who runs her own sexuality education company, Velvet Lips. She is also a Co-Founder of the top- rated Sex Down South Conference. She has studied human sexuality for more than 22 years and has given over 600 workshops all over the world. She has been featured on a variety of media outlets, including Netflix’s Trigger Warning with Killer Mike and Love & HipHop Atlanta. She co-wrote her first book, The Ultimate Guide to Seduction & Foreplay with Dr. Jessica O’Reilly, which debuted in April 2020.

You can learn more about Sex Down South by visiting www.sexdownsouth..com and following SDS on social media at SDSCON.

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SPFPP 275: Trust Yourself to Trust Others

Our guest this episode is a 34 year old Puerto Rican woman who, you’ll be able to hear as the episode goes on is rather shy at first but really opens up and leans into the experience sharing her story utilizing her diagnosis as a powerful connection tool to deepen the intimacy of her relationships. Now, we speak in episode 274 about relationships and intimacy in the platonic sense and I think this episode really adds value to that, so if you’re hearing this without hearing the other, I strongly encourage you to listen to both of these close together. As our guest shares, you’ll get some insights to how our cultural upbringing can and does sometimes shape our response to something like a herpes diagnosis. There’s an initial misplaced trust that eventually, through her herpes diagnosis, our guest was able to re-establish a more solid self-trust to herself after seeing how sharing her status with supportive friends was something that was ongoing validation that nothing about who she is changes per those people she put her trust in. This reciprocal trust cycle continues to perpetuate and reinforce itself within us. That said, you should be able to trust yourself to trust who you confide in.

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SPFPP Episode 148: Dating for Convenience

You ever disclose your HSV status to a potential partner and they still agree to move forward with physical intimacy? Afterwards, did you ever find yourself annoyed with them, recognizing areas of incompatibility, realizing you've become someone you aren't in the relationship and then look up and it's been a few months or years that this has been going on and now you want out?

Or how about this . . . Have you ever found yourself matching with someone who also has herpes? You're attracted, you overlook a few red flags, and then look up and its been years since you were happy.

You completely miss who the other person truly is because you've prioritized the convenience of your shared HSV status in order to just not have to deal with the feels that come with it. Herpes is inconvenient in more ways than outbreaks. And we learn we have to take care of ourselves as a result. Herpes sets boundaries with our bodies, so we have to inconveniently set boundaries for ourselves.

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Episode 99: Integrative Disclosure

I’ve been met with resistance from people when I talk about navigating relationships. People have been so caught up on the word ‘relationship’ as on the road to marriage, that they completely miss the message. This podcast speaks about relationships by its definition of relating to others. That’s it. Navigating and negotiating what that relating looks like is the bulk of what this podcast episode is about. Dr. Evelin Dacker shares a conscious, intentional formula that helps guide us through important conversations around sexual health status, turn-ons, avoids, relationship (literal meaning) intention, and safety. She did a Ted x talk on the subject and the acronym is STARS.

As someone with herpes, this is a useful tool for disclosing to partners because I’m guilty of having been so in my head about ‘will they accept my status?’ that I neglect other important conversations that should be had before even deciding to disclose. What’s our intention in relating to one another? Do we want a one night thing, ongoing FWB (friends with benefits) situation, will we become long-term partners working toward something, are we even on the same page at all in terms of what we want? If our relationship intention doesn’t match up, then I can completely disregard the thoughts of having to disclose because we aren’t in alignment with relationship intention.

Once that’s in alignment, we can move on to turn-ons if we choose to. I consider myself to be a giver when it comes to physical intimacy. Maybe the other person is also a giver. What if my prospective partner is turned on by being submissive? That works out because I’m aroused by being able to lean into my dominance. We don’t need to get too visual here. Imaginations can go where they will for sharing turn-ons.

Avoids are essentially boundaries. There may be some sexual trauma that a person is working through. My normal may be triggering. It’s important to establish these boundaries and avoid what’s asked to be avoided. A certain kind of touch to certain areas could trigger them, or they just may not like some acts in the bedroom/bathroom/living room/car/woods or whatever area you decide to make into your play pen. It’s best to know these things prior to having to find out by getting into the hair tugging and having that shut down and the action abruptly being drawn to a conclusion.

Safety is another issue. As a fairly large human, I don’t have near as many safety concerns for myself when I’m getting to a space of physical intimacy with partners. That said, I am often the biggest threat to them. It’s important they feel safe. If we are leaving together, they can let a friend know their location and to check in on them the next morning. That’s really all I have here as this was the example Dr. Dacker gave. This is more commonly an issue for women than men.

Now we get to the grand finale of the STARS talk. If you notice, I went out of order intentionally. Compatibility and negotiations have already taken place. By this point in the conversation, the person I have this discussion with is in fact compatible with me and I know this has the potential to become physical. At this point, I disclose my positive HSV status to them and ask about their experience with STIs. I believe that if a person has gotten to this point in the conversation, I have a great idea of their knowledge and understanding about sex and sexual health. If we’ve been able to have the previous talks about how we see each other, we have something for them to either remain consistent with, or they will go against it. This does also eliminate potential excuses for no longer wanting to move forward. So now the only difference between the time we’ve talked about what we’ll do to one another after we leave this restaurant and the time they make a decision to stick to that or not, is the fact that now they know my STI status is positive. Not everyone is okay with that and that is fine. However, people don’t know how to just say they aren’t okay with something and that is fine. I just have to acquire tools to protect myself from emotional abuse of ghosting and being deceived. STARS is a tool for that.

We’re able to enter a relating situation with a conscious communication tool. As someone living with herpes, I know not everyone wants to relate at the level I’d like to. This conversation helps us figure that out soon so that we can move on and get our needs met sooner without investing heavily into someone we may not be compatible with. I appreciate Dr. Dacker’s tool as an integrative disclosure method. It also includes pieces of the conversation that are often left out of the sex conversation. Download episode 99 of spfpp and check it out!

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

Let disclosure be a way to make space for the infiniteness of your identity expression. There is far more to delivering a disclosure than what we perceive as baggage. Think of details about yourself that if you were someone getting to know YOU, what information would be surprising to discover impacting your relationship together? Herpes honestly just impacts timing of merging genitals, yet we allow this small piece of what SHOULD be a disclosure process to distract us from disclosing things really important. Let’s take into consideration the invisible aspects of our identities and expressions. Some of us are adventurers and should disclose that we don’t intend on staying in the same city whereas someone may have built their home here with zero intention of moving. Some of us do or don’t want children, some of us don’t do stepchildren, some of us want marriage, some of us don’t want a traditional relationship style. Some of us have prioritized commitments that impact our availability for a relationship and have boundaries around time, ties to passion projects and volunteer work. Disclosure is infinite and we shouldn’t zoom in hyper focused on this one almost insignificant piece of the process in the grand scheme of things. Let’s start looking at these invisible aspects of ourselves. Being able to experience and have the identities of ourselves experienced is the undercurrent of connection, energetic intimacy. Don’t just disclose what we HAVE, but consider disclosing who we ARE. Being yourself is the ultimate screening mechanism for connection. Do that and you gotta watch out for a lot less red flags! #spfpp #somethingpositiveforpositivepeople (at St. Louis, Missouri) https://www.instagram.com/p/CNugbayBQ5N/?igshid=dcoi9209v9kv

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The community of people diagnosed with herpes really showed up for me 2 years ago to get this information in front of hundreds of public health professionals. Relationships, interviews, connections, funding opportunities, referrals . . . We made a lil splash in the healthcare industry thanks to all the people who took the survey. Unfortunately I was broke (kinda still am but I don’t have to use my money for non profit stuff anymore thanks to the donations we get 🤗) and the survey company only offered a free trial that let you get data from up to 110 people. Way more of you showed up to get us this info than I thought would. The next one is in May and will contain questions that will reflect our community in 2021 based on the input you provided letting me know what kind of useful data you’d like. Some things I can’t get like HSV-1 transmission rates, but we can get general shareable information that can lead to supported research that can get us that data. Topics are HSV in non monogamous individuals, LGBT+, type and location, symptoms, treatment preferences, number of outbreaks over periods of time, challenges in getting a test, reasons for requesting a test, toy use during intimacy, preparation to disclose, and navigating discordant relationships. Consider this May survey to be the launchpad to where #somethingpositiveforpositivepeople is shifting. I don’t do data, but I have way too much to just sit on and not make some effort to have it recognized and put to use so we can get better support and risk minimalization efforts. I’ll be harassing you all soon enough to take this survey, and for good reason! #spfpp (at St. Louis, Missouri) https://www.instagram.com/p/CNUveDyhsiZ/?igshid=y8tr8mlf7tj4

[somethingpositive4positivepeople]

In my mind, this kind of dialogue is far more painful than the initial rejection of a “no” after disclosing your HSV status. Please leave your judgments where they are. We already know that disclosure always needs to happen before intimacy. A question I usually get around 2am in my dms way more often than you’d think is, “If I have genital herpes, do I have to disclose that if I’m only giving someone oral?” as if they ran to the restroom real quick to get that approval to push back having to disclose their herpes status. I know how this goes 😂 . And I set a boundary for myself to stay out of my own DMs from 8pm to 8am because during those hours I find that people are drunk, high, horny, or lonely. And that’s when bad decisions are made and statements get misinterpreted. You never get approval from me not to disclose so my simple answer here is why delay the em inevitable? I understand giving pleasure is pleasurable for some, but there is a difference between someone receiving and someone taking from you. Delaying disclosure but speeding up sexual acts is a not cool, especially with the knowledge that herpes is such a tricky virus that despite how old it is, we don’t know much about. We can offer protection but there’s always a possibility of exposure. Now for grey texts, I don’t blame them, I blame the inconsistency and inaccuracies of information about HSV. This person searched online, found what they found, asked their doctor and ran with what was out there. This person’s response was valid. They had a right to be angry but they also had a right to know there was a risk especially if we know there is. I spoke with blue texts and they don’t need any additional judgment, just a better world where they feel safe disclosing and people who are having sex can comfortably discuss the reality of sexual health status changes. I share this as a post-diagnosis support resource from blue texts’ experience because we have to integrate these resources into STD prevention efforts! #somethingpositivefrompositivepeople #somethingpositiveforpositivepeople #spfpp (at St. Louis, Missouri) https://www.instagram.com/p/CKt9BRgBVch/?igshid=bxb4h7hhb4ja

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SPFPP Episode 164: The Connection 4mula - A Filter for Abuse

Abuse has come up a lot in 2020 on my podcast episodes, in my DMs on social media, with my friends, and as I reflected on how common it has become present in my range of awareness, in past podcast episodes as well. When I heard abuse prior to this reflection, it was exclusive to physical violence. I hadn’t considered verbal abuse, emotional or mental abuse to be a thing. As I really sat with it, abusers have used their partners’ herpes to hold them in relationships and do what they want them to. That too is abuse.

I look at where a source of this could’ve come from and I find it challenging to find any other primary blame than our sex education we received which was so hyper-focused on preventing us from having sex that it neglected mental health fundamentals such as consent, body autonomy, recognizing abuse, relationship management, asserting boundaries, and seeking support/help in the event that you need it.

I can’t understand why these topics aren’t a focal point in our sex education, other than laziness. It’s hard to raise an independent child into an independent adult because they question authority and what doesn’t make sense. So instead, we deprive our youth from survival essentials because it’s inconvenient to have to actually raise our youth. Therefore we raise obedient children who recognize force as authority into adults who either hold power over others as they were taught, or they are on the receiving end of the force. Convenience shouldn’t be an enabler for abuse, and we have to be better and do different.

The Connection 4mula is a filter for abuse and an easy way to recognize someone with potential abusive patterns. Connection is genuine intimacy, as shared between this podcast guest and myself developed over the last 7 years. The 4mula consists of my four relationship boundaries or values if you will that teach people how to respect and love me while also teaches them how I love and respect them. Notice this time I said four relationship boundaries instead of 3.

The 4 are transparency, consistency, maturity, and reciprocity. Abusers have to manipulate the narratives so you won’t get transparency out of them. You can get honesty, but it is selective. Transparency has a feeling of freedom because the person who values it for themselves also values it to and from others. Abusers are often inconsistent in their words and behaviors. Saying “I love you, but” is a major red flag because love is unconditional. You don’t only love someone when they fulfill an expectation. You don’t love someone and then violate their boundaries only to MAYBE apologize. That isn’t love, it’s coercion. For an early red flag, look at their ability to make plans in advanced? If they want to spend time with you, they will do more than say it. Do they flake, reschedule, say one thing and do another? These are signs of a potential abuser. Maturity is simple. Does this person prioritize well? Are they late to important matters and prioritize what they say to be not really important? Where do YOU stand in terms of being a priority? Lastly, reciprocity, which just means is the energy invested reciprocated between you and this person you’re in pursuit of? If he ain’t reciprocatin’ then ya’ll ain’t gone be datin’. Write that somewhere you can find it easily. Are you prioritizing them in your thoughts, energy, efforts to meet up? If they aren’t giving it back then you know they are whack.

These are the 4 pillars of connection, which I believe if you don’t experience a genuine, authentic connection with someone you’re looking to date, then it’s because your boundaries aren’t being respected/honored. It’s those who violate boundaries who in hindsight, have been abusive partners. Use this formula to filter out abusers immediately ya’ll.

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Episode 43: Ignite Something Positive with Laura Aiisha

Ignite Intimacy podcast host, Laura Aiisha joins us to talk about her personal coming out to her audience sharing her herpes experience with The 'H' Opportunity's Adrial featured as a guest. 

Laura hosts the podcast, Ignite Intimacy, a podcast about sex, intimacy and romantic relationships. For more information about Laura, visit: http://lauraaiisha.com/ignite-intimacy-podcast/ be sure to check out episode 81 we did together.

Laura can also be found:

iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/ignite-intimacy/id1138178795 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/5VSa7BzFrpZ7mQxdpUfBEl?si=keniDBr-SDyDWgZy4y0NDQ

Libsyn: http://igniteintimacy.libsyn.com

I'm on Instagram @HOnMyChest. Don't forget to keep up with the hashtags #SPFPP #WhatStigma #SomethingPositiveforPositivePeople and the Facebook Page, Something Positive for Positive People is up!

Stay Positive!