#spess mehreens

[stainlesssteellocust]

I love the flavour of GeeDubs discourse which goes “You don’t want female space marines because you hate women, I don’t want female space marines ‘cause I don’t want girls getting in the way of my yaoi/slash sausage party fandom bonanza, we are not the same”

[sir-tarhos-et-compagna]

Here it's dangerous to go alone take this (sarcasm)

Seems like Tahros does not know what is sarcasm.

"You get it wrong for I am the danger, still... is it a better version of a buzz-blade, like ones wielded by the insane peasants? What a pleasant gift. I shalt consider quickening terminating thee. Although I doubt Entity would allow me this. Especially after that one time Michael got himself a buzz-blade."

[sepulcher666]

A vigil held can sometimes last hours. Best not to leave a guilt-ridden space marine alone for too long though.

a spiritual continuation to this:

I’ll make up something for my sad boi soon.

[drunkenskunk]

So, I'm laying in bed, waiting for the painkillers to kick in, with an ice pack strapped to my knee, and I'm letting my mind wander. And I'm thinking about Warhammer 40k, because of course I am, this is what I do when I'm bored and in pain.

While laying here, I got to thinking: when were the first "official" conflicts between humanity and the all the other Xenos factions? So I'm just delirious enough to be like "let's figure this shit out."

And I'm already needing to start off with a mulligan, because the Orks, the Eldar, and the daemons of Chaos have always been ubiquitous in the Warhammer galaxy ever since humanity first walked upright, so trying to pin down "first contact conflict" is a mugs game. It would all be pre-Dark Age of Technology. Who the fuck knows for sure.

So who else is there: in terms of "major" Xenos factions (that is: armies with a codex), we got the Tyranids, the Tau, the Necrons, and the Leagues of Votann. Which is less than I hoped, but about what I expected for James "SPESS MEHREEN" Workshep.

So: the Tyranids. The First Tyrannic War was in 745.M41. However: if we really want to be specific and pedantic (and I do), then the first time the Imperium ran into the Tyranids was "sometime" around 500.M41 when genestealers were first encountered on the moons of Ymgarl. Then again, I'm not actually sure we should count that, considering that the Imperium wouldn't even make that connection themselves until much later.

Next: the Tau. Technically first "contact" was in 789.M35, when an AdMech explorator ship, Land's Vision, found the planet that would eventually be named Tau, and recorded a primitive species that had mastered simple tools and fire. But because that planet became inaccessible due to a warp storm, and the records got lost in the chaos of the Age of Apostasy, we (again) probably shouldn't count that. First real conflict was the Damocles Crusade, between 742.M41 and 745.M41... and it only ended because the Tyranids showed up.

Moving on: the Necrons. Technically, they've been "around" even longer than the Eldar. But they've mostly all been fucking asleep in their tomb worlds, except for a select few who woke up early (looking at you Trazyn). So, really, if we're ignoring shit like Szarekh the Silent King returning from his self imposed exile in response to the Tyranids showing up (are we noticing a pattern here?), first "official" conflict with the Imperium was the Sanctuary 101 massacre in 897.M41.

And finally: the Leagues of Votann. And, again: they've been "around" for who knows how long. It's heavily implied that their generation ships left Earth for the galactic core before even the Dark Age of Technology. But they mostly kept to themselves and didn't venture outside the holds in the galactic core until Cadia exploded and the Cicatrix Maledictum cut the galaxy in half, forcing them to leave. Finally, an "alien" faction being introduced to the setting that has nothing to do with the fucking Tyranids.

And, y'know... looking at all that? That really does kinda put in perspective why everything seems to have gone to shit in 40k, doesn't it?

Between the end of the Horus Heresy in 014.M31 and the start of the Damocles Crusade in 742.M41, the only things the Imperium of Man had to really worry about were Orks, Eldar, daemons, and renegades/traitors. Like, none of that is great (and a lot of it is self inflicted), but that kind of setup seems manageable. The Eldar never show up in huge numbers, and daemons require incredibly specific circumstances to even manifest outside The Warp. Hell, even the Orks for most of that time are basically just a nuisance, since a warboss on the scale of Urlakk Urg wouldn't be seen till Ghazgkull. Really, the most dangerous thing the Imperium had to worry about during that stretch of time was regular humans rebelling (rightfully so) in the face of the Imperium being a nightmarishly oppressive theocratic fascist state.

That's 10,000 years or so that you could almost call relatively stable, where the vast majority of issues were problems that it inflicted on itself. Business as usual.

AND THEN

In the span of just over 250 years, there's several wars with the Tau, the Tyranids show up over and over again, the Necrons start waking up, and... then the Leagues of Votann are also here now lol

Something, something, decades where nothing happens, and weeks where decades happen, etc.

[storywonker]

Spess Mehreen

[silver-mont]

Spess Mehreens... we know our duty, and we will DOO it.

[tharook]

Imagine: a dreadnought with giant googly eyes

«ᴘᴇᴏᴘʟᴇ ᴡᴇʀᴇ ɴᴇᴠᴇʀ sᴜʀᴇ ᴡʜᴇʀᴇ ᴛᴏ ʟᴏᴏᴋ ᴡʜᴇɴ ᴀᴅᴅʀᴇssɪɴɢ ᴍᴇ»

[duckpasta-kamonabe]

[imperial-o-club]

I “ little “ something i owed @eustacefrog :)  The Galactic Empire meets the Imperium of Man ! Star Wars / Warhammer 40K crossover 

[aflo]

i literally can't imagine a product less interesting to me as a player than warhammer 40k: commander. my eyes just glaze over looking at these big dumb timmy gold cards with spess mehreens on them

[reddus-sideblog]

Man, Lieutenant Mira from the original Spess Mehreen is probably like, super duper dead

[stainlesssteellocust]

I know the aesthetic is "everyone is filthy and bleeding and the worlds are all polluted and rotting and everything is awful all the time" but considering one of the Ruinous Powers is literally the god of filth and disease, it would make sense for the Imperium to have a culture of purity and cleanliness actually

"To despoil the Emperor-given body of humanity is heresy of the gravest order! You wash your face young lady or the pox-father will strike you down with zits before the Sanguinalia dance!"

People on ships probably have ritual cleansing periods based on the Terran day-night cycle, Ultramar has Roman-style public baths where the Ultramarines hang out

Of course since this is 40k they're going to be absolutely unhinged about it

Commisars shooting soldiers because they're not keeping clean enough when there's mud and blood and death everywhere and they've been fighting orks for the last solid day

Men dying of thirst so the general can have his twice-daily bubble bath to show his piety

The Sisters Hospitaller do canonically daube their armour in 'protective' incenses and ointments, either for genuine protective reasons, weirdass Imperial superstitions or maybe just so they can smell pretty while they're stalking through crowded wards saving lives or torturing injured heretics before executing them with bolt pistols I don't know (her ass has NOT agreed to medical neutrality!)

so I like to think that, like we say "sing yay many verses of this song while washing your hands to make sure you've done it long enough" they're doing the same with Imperial hymns

(not sure about the Militarum's doctors since they sometimes lean into "ghastly WW1 field hospital" vibes, but the SH's actually study new things and have access to medical texts and research mutation and xenobiology so I think they have a grasp of medical sanitation and PPE, most Astartes probs do too)

Picture a Astra Militarum doctor, Sister Hospitaller and Spess Mehreen Apothecary all stood by hand-sinks singing as they wash their hands:

Happy those who do not follow the counsel of the wicked, Nor go the way of sinners, nor sit in company with heretics. Rather, the law of the Imperium is their joy;    the Emperor’s law they study day and night. They are like a tree planted near streams of water that yields its fruit in season...

Some Astartes or Battle-Sisters do the whole "fight gloriously for days without rest against impossible odds until relief comes" thing that happens every week or so like clockwork and realistically come out the other side absolutely filthy and rancid, so they flagellate themselves half to death for failing to meet the ritual bathing criterias needed to maintain their divinely-granted human forms because they're terrifying religious fanatics

[lyltlethelemur]

HOLY SPESS MEHREENS ! It's a commission of Crimson Fist!

Still open for commissions folks.

[asktheraggededges]

We have recovered an STC for bolts with payloads similar to very small vortex grenades. However, we are conflicted as to whether it is worth producing. Can you think of anybody who would actually *want* to pay a premium for rounds which shred the fabric of reality when they hit the target?

Spess Mehreens.

[lettherebemonsters]

If y'all want to get the pants bored off of you, ask me about those spess mehreens.

[hweemail]

What is the best way to deal with loyalist scum?

Depehnds ohn the loyaleest!

EEf eets the SPESS MEHREENS, especially corpse Daddy’s FEHVORITE -ULTRAMEHREENS who ahre ‘alhways loyal’ and nehvor EHVOR fall to kay-oss nho mattor hwhat - then hyuu behsically hahve to keell thehm.

Fohr ahthors, hyuu jahst need to appeal to hwhat they need. Captoor their heeearts, cap-toor their miiinds, hif hyuu can.

Ahbahve ahll, nevor geeve ahp.Kay-oss ees STROOONG.