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aelaer · 2 years ago

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I love writing; I want to write I'm not able to. Whenever I open a document, ready to write, it's like my fingers get stuck, hovering over the keyboard. It is frustrating and upsetting and doesn't help my non-existing confidence and self-worth.

I know people say it helps when you talk with friends about your writing but I only have one friend and I've annoyed them enough with my writing problems (since we longer share the same fandoms). And I'm scared of people and self-isolate myself from them because my past fandom experiences weren't the best.

Aww love *big hugs* 🫂 Thank you for your trust in sharing this personal information with me. I presume that you shared it with me on the hope that I would give some thoughts and ideas on these troubles. I will do my best to give you an answer that will hopefully be of some use to you. If you just needed to let it off your chest and do not wish for thoughts and non-professional advice, please don't read beyond this paragraph. And if that's the case I just wish the best for you and hope things get better!

But if you're still reading this second paragraph, here's some of my own musings on what you've divulged. (Note - I'm not a professional health person, this stuff is from memory of things I've read and my memory may be spotty.)

The funny thing about hobbies is that they're meant to enrich your life, but oftentimes you can only easily partake in them if you're already in a good place. If you're stressed about work, school, family or friends, it gets hard to focus on things you enjoy. If your health is in the toilet, it's sometimes hard to do hobbies as well. This includes mental health.

It's a bit of a terrible cycle. You want to create, but you are too down to create, which makes you feel even more down than you were before. This is terribly common and it's such a difficult cycle to break.

How exactly do you solve it? I don't think there's an easy solution, or a solution that fits everyone. But I have the following on "things" to try split into different parts, if you want to give any of these a shot. They touch on each of the items you mentioned in your post:

Getting In The Mood To Write

Set up a sprint. Don't know what sprinting is? Here's an article about sprints. Don't have a Discord writing server where sprints are set up? Here's a free sprint site.

Is the story you *want* to write not easily coming to mind? Why not start on some writing prompts. This link has prompts that would be about 1-3 paragraphs to complete per prompt. Need more flexibility? These prompts could be answered in a couple sentences, a paragraph, or a page. None of these may be the story you've been trying to write, but they're a good way to get your muscle memory in your fingers and word-forming in your head to get started again. You can do as little or as many as you like. They can be fiction or non-fiction. You can even answer the prompts as your favorite fictional character if you'd like to for the personal writing ones.

How calm are your surroundings and your mind? This article goes into some tips about setting the mood and getting your mind prepared for the space. It also goes into the importance of the mind being in the right space for it, which goes into my next section.

Caring For Yourself

I really like the article I linked in point three because it emphasizes, in very large text, "Be kind to yourself and let it flow". This is one of the most difficult things to learn because if you've spent a long time beating yourself up for not doing the thing, not being good enough, and other self-negative terminology, that'll be deep within your psyche. Unlearning all of these negative feelings about yourself is not done in a day, or a week, or possibly not even a month or year.

One method of combating these negative feelings is by saying (out loud or on paper) positive things about yourself: that you *are* enough, that you are talented/worth it/hardworking, whatever it is to combat whatever you've been telling yourself that has lowered your self-esteem. This has to become a habit, by the way--something you schedule in your day and that you stick to like clockwork. This self-affirming self-care language is supposed to eventually sink in, because if it is so often in the upper conscious, it eventually sinks to the subconscious. Or at least, that's what the science of it says.

Depending on how long this feeling continues and how many aspects of your life it affects, you may want to consider speaking with a professional about it. If that is not a viable solution, doing some research on what you can do to help yourself could help. Just stick with reputable sites--the .edu's and the like.

One blog I really like following is @insanitysilver because of their constant positivity around writing both original and fan fiction. There's a lot of reaffirming content about being kind to yourself on bad writing days, to your WIPs, and just being a writer (and reader!) in general. This may help give you a pick-me-up in your browsing of tumblr.

Getting Into The Fandom Community

I 100% get not wanting to get into fandom again because you've had bad experiences in the past. Oh my *goodness*, I can't count all the terrible experiences I've had in online fandom spaces and online RP spaces in the 20 years I've been active online and all the hurt that came with it. Heck, I'm friends with a mutual who is also interacting with the person who told me they were disgusted that I had given kudos on their fic and said some absolutely *nasty* things to me, and we're both still active in the same fandom.

Unfortunately it comes with human interaction. If you hide from it forever, you may miss out on some absolutely amazing experiences and beautiful friendships.

Toxic people are everywhere, unfortunately, but you learn to recognize them and, in the online space, block them. And those toxic people (like the one I mentioned above) have to live with their nastiness and you start to feel sorry for them, because how sad must that person be to go out of their way to put others down in such a horrid manner?

If it's a matter of miscommunications and misunderstanding, that gets easier to deal with with experience and time. Experience is a big part of it. Have I committed some big social mistakes and major faux pas in my past? Yes, absolutely, including in the fandom I'm still active in. I have major foot-in-mouth disease, and I feel pretty bad about those! When I can, I try to repair relationships. When I can't, I've learned to apologize where I can when I'm at fault and move on. You don't need to be friends with everyone in the fandom to have a good time.

To start getting involved: joining a fandom Discord would be my recommendation. You can usually find one via Google. Some are super large, so you may want to try and find smaller shipping ones, or character-based ones as opposed to a huge community. The cool thing about this is that you can lurk for a time to see how the community interacts before stepping in, which is a nice part about Discord.

Another way to connect with folks is via tumblr. Look up the fandom tags here and start following folks who post a lot about your favorite things! First you can start with reblogs, then reblogs with tags, and then comments and asks. Baby steps at your own pace.

I definitely recommend connecting with several people if at all possible because you'll have several people to talk about fandom stuff with, and writing with, and if you have a falling out with one of them, it won't feel like you're completely out of the loop. I'd also recommend that you connect with folks who aren't all mutuals -- spread it out. In one of my largest fandom schisms several years ago, a whole RP group kicked me out because the leader was an ableist asshole. But I had several other RP partners to fall back on and to help me through the tough time. It's similar in the fandom space--you want to be friendly with several folks. That's one reason Discord is so great-- you can be in several Discord groups with a variety of people and be acquaintances, friends, and good friends with several folks. If for some reason one of the Discord groups is actually a poisonous hellhole and they're awful to you, you can back out and fall back to the other group without feeling like you've completely disconnected from everyone in fandom. There's a space for everyone.

If your fandom is my corner of the MCU, I'd recommend both the Stephen Strange Discord and IronStrange Discord. They're wholesome groups and you can comfortably lurk there until you're ready to talk about the fun stuff. If you don't have those links, just send me a follow-up ask for which one you'd like and I'll post a 7-day link.

This was pretty darn long, but I hope I could be of some assistance, if assistance was what you were looking for. Best wishes, anon--things do get better.

#long post #ask #answered #self care #anonymous #writing #remember to be kind to yourself first and foremost #fandom

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writingsofmax · 3 years ago

Text

Disarm pt. 5

Words: 3,161

Story Summary: Edward and Y/N's relationship slowly blossoms and Edward tries to reckon with his feelings about it.

Tags: slowburn, chronically ill reader, anti-social Edward, emotional distress, heart to heart, angst, hurt/comfort, online stalking

warnings: emotional distress, panic attack symptoms, canon-typical description of orphanage environment and child death, online stalking

Part one

Chapter 5- Down With Secrets I Can't Keep

When Edward had gotten home after the park outing, he felt agitated, like his world was a little off-kilter. He took a quick shower, made some coffee, and sat down at his laptop to compile financial documents for his latest info leak to his followers. Despite all of this, Y/N would still drift into his mind. He would be typing up his manifesto and then his next thought would be about what Y/N would think if she was reading it. He would be writing detailed schedules in his ledger for his plans and then write anagrams of her name in the margins. It frustrated him to no end. He could not get her out of his mind.

Before, focusing on the Renewal Plan had been easy. He would just think about his life, how he had been treated and focus on the hate he felt. It led him to an almost trance-like state where he could focus for hours and hours on end. Sometimes he didn’t even remember filling out entire sections of his ledgers, but they would be full of his writing the next day, his hands smeared with ink.

Now, it was more difficult because thoughts of Y/N would break his concentration.

Whenever he got really distracted and couldn’t refocus on the Renewal plan at all, he would give in and text her. Usually it was just a riddle because he didn’t know what else to say, but she would always answer. Then the conversations would flow more naturally when she would text back. This eventually led to them meeting and talking regularly. They talked about politics, about Gotham, about how, as Y/N put it, “how bad things are in the world” and what they would do to change it. I am going to change it. So soon now. I am going to recreate Gotham from the ground up. After a few weeks, he even told her about what he had found with the Renewal Fund. She had been furious at the Mayor and Falcone, and then scared.

“Edward, you know what they do to whistleblowers.” she whispered, a concerned look in her eyes. Edward giggled at her naivety, “I’m obviously not going to let them trace it back to me, I’m not stupid. I make sure to reroute the website through multiple servers and…” Edward continued on about firewalls, and multiple proxies and unbreakable ciphers, and then stopped when he realized he was getting into one of his trance-like moods again. Y/N had smiled as she pushed her hair from her face, “I sometimes forget how smart you are.”

He started asking how she was feeling. That was strange for him, he had actively tried his whole life not to care about other people, but he often found himself thinking––no, worried––about how she was.

He had even created a separate ledger just for her. The front cover was an anagram of her name and inside were detailed accounts of everything they talked about, a daily log of how she was feeling, her symptoms and any other information about her health that he could compile: doctor’s names and numbers, medications and pharmacies.

When she had mentioned her doctor's appointments to him in passing, he found her patient login later that night. I should really tell Y/N to get two-factor encryption, this was way too easy for me to get into, he had thought. From there, he got her medical history, recorded it, and filed it away. He didn’t want her information to be lost when he flooded Gotham. If Gotham wasn’t going to take care of her, he could.

He tried his best not to question why he was doing this. Self-introspection had never led him anywhere good in the past. There had been so many nights as a child that he had spent thinking: Why me? Why didn’t my parents want me? What’s wrong with me? Why, why, why, why, why.. These questions, unlike riddles and puzzles and equations, didn't have a clear knowable answer so he stopped thinking about them. He stopped questioning why he did anything at all, really.

He just decided that it was because she was a kindred spirit, a comrade. He was going to make sure that no one would ever have to be treated like he was, or she was ever again. He would make sure that both of them were taken care of in his new Gotham. That was all it meant.

And anyway, he did enjoy the companionship. It wasn’t something that he had ever had before, so it was still uncomfortable sometimes, but he deduced that the positives outweighed the negatives.

His plans were coming along quickly now. He had the information he needed, the pictures, and a dedicated following online. Thank you to Y/N for being good public speaking practice. He had even come up with a name for his persona.

Edward Nashton didn’t quite fit. He had hated his last name, courtesy of the parents that had abandoned him. And everyone who knew him by his name didn’t think of him as a vigilante… A bringer of justice. No, everyone who knew Edward Nashton saw him as a strange, quiet, unremarkable fellow. Hm. I guess not everyone. He thought as he worked on Y/N’s ledger.

Actually, Y/N had been quite helpful with his cause so far. She had started keeping an eye out on the comings and goings of the police in the park and reported what she saw to Edward, helping him compile information. She was also able to watch the news when Edward was at work and tell him what was being reported on, and how Wayne Enterprises and the Gotham PD were being construed to the public.

It was her that had helped him come up with his name: The Riddler.

“I have a question,” Y/N had asked, peering at him over a cup of tea.

“I have an answer,” Edward smirked, filling out a crossword.

“Why do you always text me riddles?” she asked, giving him a curious look. She stirred her tea before taking a sip.

“I just like them.” Edward paused ever so slightly while writing, before filling out the rest of the boxes.

“There has to be more to it than that,” Y/N complained exasperatedly.

Edward put his pen down and looked at her. “I don’t like talking about myself.”

“Edward, I hardly know anything about you, but I feel like you know everything about me! You won’t even tell me why you like riddles so much,” she whined.

I do know everything about you, Edward thought.

“Come on, open up a little,” she prodded, pointing at him with her spoon.

“Fine.” Edward let out a frustrated exhale. “So. When I was younger I had… a rough time.” Edward clasped his fingers together in his lap tightly. “And…my…” he trailed off, picking up his pen again. “I’m sorry, can we walk around a bit while I talk about this? I don’t want to talk about it here.”

Y/N motioned to the waitress to bring the bill over. “Of course… whatever you need, Eddie.”

Eddie. She’s never called me that before, no one has, Edward mused while waiting for her outside. Edward didn’t really like nicknames, but the way she had said it made it tolerable, he supposed. Maybe a little enjoyable. At least it’s not Ed-weird.

Y/N met him outside and they walked as he continued. “My home life wasn’t the best, so I needed something to distract me.” He was hating every second of this conversation. Being vulnerable around others wasn’t exactly one of his strengths.

“I couldn’t figure out why things were so hard for me, and to stop thinking about that I came up with games. Rhyming words, coming up with anagrams, thinking of dual meanings of words. After that I got into riddles,” his pace quickened.

A memory surfaced of the grimy book of riddles he had found in one of the forgotten rooms of the orphanage. He would pull it out from under his bed at night to read. He had always kept it hidden because it was against the rules to keep any personal belongings. He had read that book cover to cover to keep his mind off the cold and hunger. He had mastered all the riddles inside pretty quickly.

“They gave me something to focus on and it came really easily to me.”

“E-Eddie hold on a second, you’re walking so fast.” Y/N had stopped a few paces behind him to catch her breath.

Eddie again. He stopped and walked back towards Y/N. He hesitated for a moment before offering her his hand to stand back up. She took it and he felt his head go a little fuzzy. Quickly letting go, he stammered, “Sorry about that. I wasn’t paying attention.”

“It’s okay,” Y/N replied, catching her breath, looking up at him and giving him an apologetic smile. Edward wondered how he hadn’t noticed how pleasant her smile was before.

“Thanks for telling me that. It’s nice to know about you.”

Edward felt nervous and he didn’t like being nervous so decided to change the subject.

“Anyway, why are you calling me Eddie now?” he asked with a pointed look.

Y/N looked up at him amused. “Oh, I’m sorry, would you prefer I call you Riddler?” she teased.

Edward scowled outwardly but felt butterflies in his stomach. “Eddie is fine, I guess.”

—-—————————————————————-

Edward looked up at the clock on his desk. It was close to 5:00, when Y/N said she would be over.

He had tried to keep her away from his apartment as long as possible but it had been getting difficult to keep coming up with excuses. He had moved his traps to storage, taken down some of the postings on his wall, and had hidden the Riddler backsplash curtain he had made for his streams.

He was thankful he didn’t have to move all of the Renewal information from his wall since Y/N was helping him with it now. The way he laid out and understood the information was spatial, and moving it around well… it disturbed things. It was fine though, he could always put it up again later if it meant maintaining his relationship with Y/N.

He anxiously checked each room in his apartment making sure there was nothing out that would give him away to Y/N. Sure she knew about the Renewal fund and the information he had but she didn’t really know about the true extent of his plans and he wanted to keep it that way.

A knock at the door interrupted Edward’s thoughts. He scanned the room one more time grabbing Y/N’s ledger and tossing it under the couch last minute before opening the door.

“Hey, Eddie,” Y/N gushed excitedly. She always seemed so happy whenever he saw her.

“Hello,” Edward replied, looking down at her from across the doorway.

“So this is where you live!” she remarked, looking around the hallway of the old building. “I didn’t realize you lived so close to the diner. That must be nice.”

Edward shifted his weight against the doorframe and looked out the hallway window. “Yeah, I guess it is. Never really thought about that.”

“So, uh… you gonna’ let me in?” Y/N asked, trying to look past his tall frame into the apartment.

Edward braced himself internally and stepped to the side awkwardly. “Come in.”

Y/N walked in, immediately being drawn to the Renewal wall. Her eyes widened at the photos and articles that were tacked up. “Oh wow, you’ve really tracked everything out.” She was quiet as she continued looking.

Edward waited for her to make some quick excuse to leave and then never speak to him again.

“This is really impressive!” she remarked, moving over to the window. “A very nice view.” The next second she was in the kitchen and Edward heard her say “gas stove.”

He wasn’t sure who she was talking to, but felt himself grow concerned as she moved to the hallway and bathroom. His apartment was his personal space. He had to share spaces all of his life, first at the orphanage and then in college. This apartment had been the first time that he could have his own area. It was putting him on edge that she was looking through everything, he didn’t want her finding anything that she shouldn’t see.

“Y/N,” he called, “Come back out here!” he sounded more nervous than he had meant to. Y/N popped back out into the living room. “This is nice!”

“Yes. It’s an apartment. Have you seen everything you needed to see?” he asked, rolling his eyes.

Y/N didn’t notice. “Yeah!” She plopped down on his couch and pulled a book from her bag.

Edward felt relieved that she had stopped looking around so much. He pulled a book from his shelf and sat next to her on the couch, opening it to where he left off. They did this sometimes, just hung out together and read or Edward would work on puzzles or write. That was usually on days like today where they would hang out after Edward got off work. They didn’t always have to talk about things. That overwhelmed him anyway––this was nicer. It was comfortable.

After a while, Y/N got up to stretch and walked over to the Renewal wall. Edward glanced at her over the pages of his book and then went back to reading.

“Hey, Eddie?” she asked, leaning in to inspect something. “Is that… you?”

Shit shit shit. He had missed one picture of him from his orphanage days.

“I would have never guessed you were in choir!” she grinned, and looked closer. “Wait...” her face fell. “Is this from the orphanage..?”

She looked at Edward for understanding.

“Eddie, were you in the—”

“Yes.” Why did I leave that up there? Edward felt like his apartment was too hot. He stood up, trying to get some air.

She looked shocked. “You lived there?”

“Yes,” he answered so quietly that Y/N almost didn’t hear it.

“For how long?” she turned away from the wall, trying to read Edward’s expression with a dismayed look. Edward let out a shaky exhale. “If you must know. I… I grew up at the um,” he cleared his throat. “Gotham Orphanage… I had been left there as a baby. It was hell.” He was quiet for a long time, gathering his thoughts.

Y/N broke the silence by speaking quietly, “I used to follow what went on there. I heard the stories… They seemed like they couldn’t possibly be true but they were. I… I remember volunteering there in high school, and you could tell how hastily they tried to cover up what it was really like there.”

She sat down on the couch and patted the seat next to her, offering for Edward to come sit. Edward sat down, trying to get ahold of his emotions. This was all so sudden and unprepared for––he felt like he was drowning.

Y/N rubbed her hands together nervously. “Back when the orphanage burned down, it was obviously terrible—I’m not saying that it wasn’t, but I remember finding myself a little… relieved.” She snuck a glance at Edward before continuing. “Because Gotham would be forced to build new facilities for them.”

Edward continued to say nothing, just sat staring straight forward, his expression unreadable.

“I can understand why you care so much about the renewal fund now. Not that it didn’t make sense before but… you were affected directly. What was it like growing up there? I can’t even imagine,” Y/N murmured, her eyes downcast. “Yeah it was… awful,” Edward answered, surprising himself. He could feel his hands shaking. “I saw kids die there, you know? I…” Edward drifted off. He had never spoken about his experiences out loud with someone, and the emotions that were coming up were intense

“It was always cold and damp. There were rats that would crawl on you while you were sleeping. There was never enough food for everyone. In the beginning I tried to help. I did try,” he swallowed, “But it was useless. I couldn’t save any of them. After a while, I found that it was easier to just….” He waved his hand. “Not get involved with people. To shut off the empathy and the sympathy. Stop thinking about what’s happening to everyone around you and focus on surviving yourself, you know?”

He knew he was gripping the couch so hard it hurt, but he was afraid to let go––his emotions threatening to become uncontrollable. He had a vision of wounds on his hands, stigmata open and bleeding. “Eddie, you were just a kid. That shouldn’t have been on you.” Her voice sounded so sweet, pulling him through.

Edward noticed that Y/N was blinking back tears. “You should have never been put through any of that. Okay?” She reached over and took one of his hands, gently unclenching his fingers before holding them securely between both of her hands. “I’m going to do everything I can to help you with this. We’re going to expose the renewal fund together,” she whispered, voice choked with emotion.

In that moment, Edward felt like he was being seen for the first time in his life, the dark waters of his mind cleared.

Her touch on his hands felt like being saved.

She rubbed the top of his hand with her thumbs gently. Her eyes were so inviting, so much better than the dark memories that threatened to overwhelm him. As she moved closer on the couch, Edward’s throat felt dry. His heartbeat felt like it was skipping––he needed air. He stood up quickly, startling Y/N. “It’s um––” he moved to the door. “It’s getting late. I’m tired.” He looked back over at Y/N who was still on the couch. “I have work tomorrow so…” Y/N started getting up. “I can take you home.” Her expression was unreadable to him. “Yeah, Edward…” she stood awkwardly beside the couch. “Of course. I’m ready to go whenever,” she finished, grabbing her things.

Edward held the door open for her, and locked it behind the two of them. It still wasn’t any easier to breathe. His mind was spinning, he thought that back on the couch that he had wanted to…. No. Don’t go there. Not now. He rested his forehead against the cool of the door, closing his eyes, willing the world to stop spinning for a second.

“Edward, you okay? You ready?” Y/N called from down the hall.

“Y-yeah!” Edward shouted back. He shook his head forcing himself to stop thinking about it.

“Yeah, I’m okay,” he whispered to himself.

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bowditch · 4 years ago

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how do you balance creating fan works with juggling your responsibilities? I've been struggling with finding the time/motivation to write what I want.

First, my creativity output tends to come and go in waves. Some weeks I’m writing 1-3k a day, some weeks I don’t even open documents at all. Some weeks are in-between, where I open stuff and poke around and do a few hundred words here and there, but not much more. The “off” times I’m usually reading, playing games, watching movies or shows, talking to friends, and thinking about stories or scenes. Sometimes, this isn’t even anything I’ll ever write! Sometimes, I don’t think about stories I’m writing at all. It’s more whatever pops into my head and less structured. Part of me wants to be Disciplined and write every day, but the reality is that unless it’s a very tiny limit like 100-200 words, this really isn’t doable for me. I have kids I homeschool, I have a house and a husband and a dog and there are times in life when I need to deep clean a bunch of rooms, or plan out school stuff, or go on hikes, and I still have to have time to recharge. Writing sometimes is that recharging, but I can’t afford to force it when it isn’t.

Because the reality is that to find that time, you have to give up something. There isn’t a version of the equation where “finding time” involves creating more time than you already have. The things I can afford to cut out to work on writing are the things I do in my own entertainment time-- I write instead of doing those things at all, or as much. So, I tend to write when it’s the thing I want to do, and enjoy doing, because otherwise it would be an emotional and mental drain I couldn’t afford. When I’m writing a lot in a day, it means I’m not really reading fic or novels, I’m not watching much TV, I spend way less time chatting online, I don’t really scroll tumblr as much, I’m not playing video games. The things I usually do in the bit of time in the afternoons or evenings when I have a chance to just do something I want to do, that’s what I give up to make room. (Sometimes, I give up sleep, but I don’t recommend doing this often. I can’t say I fully regret the times when I’m on a roll and stay up super late, but this really isn’t healthy or sustainable long-term because I’m not in a position to sleep in late-- if you can afford to sleep in late, that might be different.) Two caveats: This is a fact, but not always a conscious decision. Sometimes, I might actually think, “Okay, so I’m not going to have time to watch this tonight after all,” but that’s pretty rare. Usually, if I’m giving up stuff to write, it’s just the natural consequence of really wanting to write and enjoying it and focusing on it. The same as if I’d gotten sucked into a really good book and spent the evening/night reading-- I’m not consciously deciding “I will give up other entertainment options for this today,” as much as I’m just doing the thing I want to do. The second caveat is that I have ADHD! Wanting to write and getting started can be two different things because of my difficulty switching tasks or starting a task. The rule that tends to help me the most are on the days I want to write, or think I want to write, and have stuff I’ve been thinking about writing, but keep not getting started, I give myself ten minutes alone with an open document. A timer, ten minutes, the document, and nothing else. No app switching, no scrolling, no background chores. Those ten minutes of boredom don’t always kickstart writing, but they give me the chance to determine if writing is the thing I actually want to do that day. I get going and I’m on a roll and I ignore the timer when it goes off, or I poke around, maybe write a few words, and the timer beeps and I’m free to go do something else because it’s not a good writing day.

I’m not always the best at balancing, to be honest. Sometimes, I give up sleep, or put off minor chores. Sometimes, I forget to eat. I do not recommend these, but I think it’s okay if you’re WORKING at balancing and sometimes realize you’ve made an error, as long as you scramble to catch up and give yourself some space to learn. Because my responsibilities are centered around tiny humans, I have a framework of school and meal times I can’t ignore; if your responsibilities are more “quiet” and easier to overlook (like homework, or self-care, or work from home) you might need to just teach yourself to not even open documents until you’ve done certain tasks. Jot down notes if you’re afraid you’ll lose something! But don’t buy into the myth that a “real writer” is completely controlled by impulse and whim. Will there be rare days when you ignore everything else to write for four hours? Maybe! But that shouldn’t be the goal, or the norm, because unless you have a household staff and responsibilities that cater to your whims, it’s really not realistic or healthy.

The big things are to figure out how to be hard on yourself and how to be gentle with yourself. If you’re too tired, really want to watch a show, overwhelmed by work, just need to talk to a friend or chat server for an hour, it’s okay to just do those things and not feel guilty. Unless you are writing fulltime as your job, it is a hobby and you don’t “have” to achieve a certain level of productivity to be valid as a writer. The times to be hard on yourself are when you know you want to write, and are enjoying the actual process, but your brain isn’t trained to focus on it for stretches of time-- when you’re writing and think of something to tell a friend, wander about a random fact, want to check tumblr when you pause to think about a sentence, that’s when you sternly tell yourself “no, give it thirty seconds before you jump away from this task” and see if you end up getting unstuck with that little breath of boredom space. If you’re really disengaging, that’s okay, but your brain might just need to build the muscle of staying focused on the structure of creative output. It’s a muscle! You might WANT to do fifty pushups, but if you haven’t made your body stick out five for a while, and then ten, and built up, it’s probably not going to cooperate and you’ll feel miserable and broken and useless if you just try to get to fifty the first time. But...building to fifty requires not getting distracted and wandering away when you’ve only done 2 of 5 the week you’re working on sets of five. My only other recommendation if you haven’t done a lot of writing before is to not fall into the editing trap. Unless you just REALLY LOVE EDITING and it engages and charges you to write more, don’t get stuck in the loop of opening a document or a notebook to write and spending all your time editing the few paragraphs you already have. A lot of the first draft stuff will probably suck. That’s okay. Just finish the thing. You know the cake analogy in fandom? “Write that hurt/comfort, it’s just more cake!”? Getting stuck editing the first bit of a story over and over until it’s polished is sort of like looking at a bowl of three ingredients of a cake recipe and going “This doesn’t look much like cake, maybe if I add more flour...” until you have a bowl full of something that really isn’t cake and isn’t anything closer to cake, no matter how pretty you’ve made those three ingredients look in the bowl. Maybe it’s a very lovely color and has pretty sprinkles on it! Still not a cake. You’ve wasted your limited time, and worn yourself out, and you know you still don’t really have anything closer to a cake to pull out of the oven and show off. The time to edit is when the cake is done and cooling, and you’re making icing and picking out trimmings and cutting up fruit and shaving chocolate or whatever. And then the next cake will probably be better because you practiced doing the whole thing and have a better idea of what to do and not do the next time. Then, opening a document or grabbing a pen and notebook can be a new, engaging chance to create instead of “oh it’s this same stale bowl of aesthetic half-batter.” (Again, if you find editing as you go super recharging, ignore this-- some people are just very good at tweaking batter as they go without stalling completely-- just give yourself the time to figure that out.) I hope this helps! Feel free to send follow-up questions or clarifications if I misunderstood something or you want a differently structured answer or just MORE INFORMATIONS.

#writing #chiropterancreed

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tartagilicious · 5 years ago

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Victor - Coming Home (translated date)

Here’s another translated date, requested by @shimizusora! This time, here’s the card beforehand, as I couldn’t find the separate versions to place when they appear ^^

spoilers for a date not released in EN server beneath the cut~

The meeting has lasted for almost 3 hours, and everyone is waiting for Victor’s final decision. In addition to dignity and fatigue, his expression also showed a trace of annoyance: before he came, he did not expect the situation to be so heavy!

Earlier, when it acquired shares in the SE online video platform, LFG issued a circular to the public saying that this was an important and strategic move for LFG to sweep the overseas film and television market.

In just two years, SE was in debt due to a bad project, and the capitol chain was broken several times -- all accounting for a debt totaling 10 billion…

Many insiders in the industry secretly insulted Victor and took a few days to turn a blind eye; after all, this incident was only passable as a joke for the wine table to them. The people of LFG’s public relations department exhausted all available media resources to suppress the negative rumours of this matter as much as possible. Fortunately, the news did not end up flowing out.

Only this time, LFG did lose.

Everyone at the meeting exchanged glances. The president had not closed his eyes for two days -- from his plane landing to now. He had spent a lot of time looking at the report documents, and sometimes the project information. He even tended to sit alone in the meeting room for several hours.

No one dared to step forward and say something, even the question of a cup of coffee seeming threatening.

It wasn’t until everyone came to the meeting room three hours ago that they found the dinner they had sent was still tucked in the corner they had left it.

Goldman: President, the most difficult problem is in the long return period of the project. SE now also has stable advertising revenue and a large amount of copyright resources, which we can fully leverage on their acquisition, wholly owned. (t/n: big words. He’s basically saying that with the deal, LFG can buy the aforementioned things and get complete ownership of them.)

Goldman: With LFG’s resources involved, these batches of information may not be able to go online smoothly, and there will be a turn around.

Victor: There’s no need for this.

Victor closed the folder in his hand and raised his eyes across the conference table.

Victor: Talk about prices with a few funds, don’t make a habit of stepping deeper and deeper.

The lengthy meeting ended at this moment.

When Victor returned to the hotel, the number of unread messages accumulated on his mobile phone exceeded one hundred again. He didn’t pay attention to this information, though, just clicking a single number from the countless list of tips.

Unsurprisingly, it was all nonsense gossip, accompanied by small expressions of different styles.

Victor loosened his tie and read them one by one from top to bottom.

“I made an improved egg omelet for dinner, would you like to try it?”

“What’s Goldman’s circle of friends talking about? I know you’re probably irritated and tired, but I hope the meeting still goes smoothly!”

“Remember to eat…”

“Also remember to sleep!”

Victor’s motion stopped after that line, and soft emotions flooded his eyes.

“The internet celebrity lawyer I told you about last time agreed to my interview invitation, so I have to hurry up and plan the case for this Saturday. Do you want to come supervise the work?”

Victor opened the dialogue box and typed a single ‘good’, and immediately received a cat with a smiling expression. But, he raised his eyebrows slightly when thinking about the time in China.

I sat up in bed and was preparing to have a long discussion about the weekend schedule, but my phone in my hand suddenly rang and shocked me.

Victor [over the phone]: did you sleep or stay up?

MC: haha….

Victor: Why are you laughing?

MC: Because I feel like that’s often asked by me, but now you’re the one asking…

Victor: It’s only 5 o’clock here, but there..

I understood what he meant.

MC: I wanted to wait for your reply and couldn’t sleep well, ok…..

I rolled over in bed and changed to a more comfortable position and held the phone against my ear.

MC: What projects have you been busy with this time? Is it going well?

Victor: Smoothly. But, you should go back to sleep again before it’s too early.

MC: ...I’m not too sleepy. You told me before, but will you still come back Thursday?

Victor: Before Saturday.

MC, sadly: Today is only Tuesday, and today’s sun isn’t even out.

I heard Victor laugh seemingly indiscriminately, and I noticed a little laziness in his low voice.

Victor, softly and groggily: Is it too late?

MC: Don’t you dare, as long as it’s not for something important, postpone your return. But, even if it’s necessary for work, you still have to say one thing, you have to promise me:

A slow sigh fell to my ears, revealing faint fatigue.

Victor: Go on.

MC: You can’t stop eating or sleeping.

The other side of the phone was silent for a few seconds.

Victor, humming: Then, I promise you.

The misty light of Loveland was reflected faintly on the curtains, and in the moments of silence, I closed my eyes to feel the frequency of every breath from him.

MC: ...It has been raining in Paris these past few days.

Victor: It’s the season.

MC: The meetings… Are they cold?

Victor: Not badly.

My consciousness became uncontrollably deeper, but I could still clearly capture his voice from within the grotesque dream.

Victor, sweetly: Sleep if you’re tired. I’ll hang up now.

MC: ..No… I’m not sleepy… Don’t go.

Victor: Your words are slurred but you still refuse to sleep?

MC: …

I can wake up in five seconds.

I hummed gently, not sure if I actually said this.

Soon, Victor’s long and heavy breathing was close to my ears, very close, making me feel calm and almost as if I was next to him.

Victor: Sleeping?

MC: ….

Victor: Go to bed.

Victor: ….

Victor: Sleep peacefully.

On Saturday afternoon, I looked up at the wall clock for the nth time. Until the hour hand reached the number 3, I couldn’t help but call Victor. But after waiting, the robotic voice reminding me that the other party could not be contacted sounded. The doorbell rang before I could react.

Victor, who was standing outside the door, was putting his phone back in his pocket the moment I opened it. I looked hesitantly at his empty hands.

MC: Your luggage…

Victor: I let Goldman take it back, and I’ll go to LFG tonight.

With that said, he entered the door and walked to my bedroom after changing his shoes at the entrance.

Victor: What have you been doing these past two days?

He walked over to the coffee table, and carefully picked up the interview outline that I had been writing all morning. A corner of his lips raised with a single glance.

Victor, teasingly: You said that you worked hard for several days, and listed a few outlines.

MC: Don’t underestimate me, I have read a lot of information in the past few days, see--

I pointed to a pile of hot social cases and legal books on the ground to show Victor.

MC: I did not sharpen the woodworker by mistake. And I’m also very self-knowledged, aren’t I, supervisor?

I busied myself and dragged a chair to the coffee table, and took a medium-sized pillow and placed it on the back of it.

MC: You sit.

MC: I guarantee that from this second, I will devote myself to planning, and I will surely have the first version of the results before the sun goes down.

Victor couldn’t help but laugh, hang his coat up by the door, and pull out the chair. Just sitting down, I remembered what it seemed like, and sighed slightly.

Victor: Let me borrow your computer.

I handed the laptop to Victor, and a thought flashed through me. How could he come here without a computer?

MC: Victor Li, when were you infected with my bad habit of losing everything?

Victor: Only once. I put in the backseat of my car and forgot to bring it down.

Victor avoided my gaze, and opened the LFG website without changing his expression, and approved the documents.

Victor: The sun will go down in two hours.

MC: Maybe the sun won’t want to go home today. (t/n: maybe the sun will stay up a bit longer and she’ll get to work on her report longer)

I sat back in my position and looked at Victor from across the table with a hand under my chin. The light golden slightly projected from the window slowly enveloped Victor. The quiet and warm light was also calmed by his smooth wooden fragrance, which was very comfortable.

Victor didn’t speak, and tapped his fingers one by one, so in the quiet room, even the sound of our breathing was quietly amplified.

Not knowing how long I had taken, he finally raised his eyes to meet mine.

Victor: Will staring at me finish the planning case?

MC: I’m not staring at you, but conceiving a plan in my heart.

As soon as my voice fell, a short ‘ding’ sounded.

MC: Wait for me~

I ran out of the room and to the kitchen, taking out the fragrant cookie from the oven. I put it down carefully to cool, and took it back with two hot drinks.

MC: Afternoon tea time!

Victor took care of his cup, the steam rising up to slightly warm his eyebrows. The milk in his glass was a light temperature, and the similarly warm scent of the cookies melted into the room.

MC: Your dark circles are so heavy, didn’t you at least drink coffee while you were away?

Victor: I’m fine.

I thought Victor didn’t mean to drink the milk, but when the words left his mouth, he still picked up the glass. After watching, I pushed the dish with cookies in front of him again.

MC: Take a look at my new designs. Cute, huh?

I pointed to the painted kittens with different expressions on the cookies to show Victor.

MC: This one is yawning, this one is surprised, this one is asleep, but I like this one the most--

MC: It looks really angry, so I named it “flaming”.

Victor glanced in the direction of my finger.

Victor: It looks like you.

MC: Is that so?

I let air fill my cheeks, trying to look like the cat on the cookie, and raised my face to look at Victor. He didn’t react, and his eyes that were connected with mine were full of silence. I just smiled and picked up “buffoon” and brought it to his lips. (t/n: “buffoon” as in another named cookie)

MC: Can you try it?

Victor took a bite of the cookie in my hands and looked back at the computer.

MC: Would you like to comment?

His lips were pulled into a weak line, and I couldn’t tell if he was smiling or not. Then, he moved a little closer and ate the remaining half of “buffoon” in my hand. Warm lips briefly rubbed my fingertips, leaving a soft warmth in its wake. A fluffy, sweet, happiness suddenly bloomed in my heart.

I patted away the crumbs on my finger with satisfaction and picked up the pen again. The smooth tip made a rustling sound on the paper, and I wrote it down with the same strokes of the previous outline.

But today’s weather is so nice….

The sky is a clean blue, the clouds a lazy white, and the room is full of rich and warm fragrance. I turned away absently, quietly looking to Victor. The sense sunlight was reflected in his dark pupils, refracting the invisible layers of his thoughts into a glorious glow.

He doesn’t have any emotion when he works, and his expression is always calm. But the appearance of deep concentration in his eyes is not the same as usual.

To say what’s different….. It’s probably even more eye-catching.

Victor: It’s only been a few minutes, and how many times have you lost your concentration?

I quickly returned my eyes and scribbled onto the paper, pretending to be like a good student who was caught by the teacher during a lesson. But, my ideas were not connecting, and nothing could be written, so I opted to draw a little heart on the upper right corner of the white paper instead.

I noticed that Victor was still focused, so I kept drawing this little heart, adding a tilde to its tail. But after a short pause, I sighed and raised my eyes slightly.

Victor sighed.

MC, flushed: ..I can’t help it.

Victor: And what can’t you help?

MC: I can’t help but look at you.

I folded my arms and changed to a more comfortable position on the table, tilting my head and looking at Victor. He chuckled almost inaudibly and was about to speak, then a familiar ringtone came from his pocket.

After seeing Victor answer the phone, all the messy thoughts in my head disappeared in one evil stroke, secretly lost.

Victor: the time now is…..

Victor looked at the bottom right corner of the computer during his speech, paused for a moment, and then quickly looked back to the mobile phone.

Victor: It’s 4:30 right now, so let them reply to me by 8pm.

He hung up the phone in a concise manner, and I asked a little hesitantly,

MC: Are you…. Going back to LFG now?

Victor: Don’t worry, I won’t go.

Victor said this, muting the volume of his phone and sliding it to the corner of the table. Facing my doubtful eyes, there was a trace of helplessness in his calm eyes.

Victor: Your computer is in Paris’s time.

I didn’t understand the random topic for a moment, but nodded subconsciously.

MC: Well, it’s more convenient to look at the time like this.

Victor didn’t speak, and glanced at the computer again. At this time, the system pushed out the weather forecast for the next 5 days in Paris -- a continuous rain every day. He smiled lightly and closed the computer slowly.

Victor: ...it’s all getting stupidly convenient.

MC: Yes, yes, taking care of a fool like me really makes the president troubled…

I deliberately stopped talking there, and couldn’t help laughing with Victor as I got up and picked up the two empty glasses.

MC: I’m going to go wash the cups, do you want anything else to eat?

Victor: No need. Do you think I’m you?

I groaned, irritated, and turned my head towards the kitchen.

I originally thought it would take less than a few minutes to wash the cups, but after I cleaned them and cleaned all the tools I used for baking before, a half an hour had passed.

When I came back, Victor was already lying on the bed, still holding my unfinished outline. I walked past him quietly, and whispered near his ear.

MC: Victor, are you asleep?

Victor didn’t answer me, only taking a shallow breath that made his twilight-coloured eyelashes tremble.

MC: Are you really asleep or pretending to sleep?

I climbed onto the bed, approaching him little by little.

MC: ...Victor?

I called him again softly, but he still did not stir. Only the corner of lips raised, into a badly hidden smile.

MC: You didn’t fall asleep!

I laid my arm on the bed and picked up a few strands of his hair. Looking down at his smoother and sharper jawline, my fingertips unconsciously rubbed against the tips of his hair.

MC, whispering: ...Have you been tired recently?

Victor, with his eyes still closed: No.

In his words, there is obviously fatigue. I don’t know if he has rested in these past few days, and the possibility of him fainting after a bit of relaxation crosses my mind.

MC: Didn’t you read the outline of my interview? How does it look?

Victor: I see what you’re written.

I thought of the heart with the small tail, and was suddenly caught speechless.

Victor: You deliberately brought this to your supervisor, but in the time I’ve been here, you wrote so few lines?

MC: Yeah, I guess you should go overseas more often, then. When you are near, the efficiency of my work plummets!

I reached out and pulled away the notebook in his hands, and covered him with a blanket. Victor turned his face and looked at me for a moment with his eyes half open. I rarely saw his tired eyes, but felt that all the emotions in my heart were softened a hundred times by him in that moment.

MC: Still want to go to LFG after a while? I’ll wake you up at 7:30.

With Victor’s degree of rigor in scheduling, this time, he temporarily canceled several important meetings and later flew to Paris while delaying the return time twice. He had already said that it would be before Saturday, but suddenly, it was changed to Saturday…..

It’s not very difficult, it won’t be like that. He’s also very stubborn in insisting he’s not tired.

I put my index fingers on his temples and slowly massaged circles into them. After a moment, a flirty smile overflowed from his lips.

Victor, laughing: …..

Victor pulled my right hand and wrapped my fingers into his palm, and moved me closer to him wordlessly. The close distance has our breaths mixing, and I can’t help but lean down to press my lips to the corner of his forehead. In the silence, all I could hear was our heartbeats and breaths, slowly accelerating together.

Victor, softly: Do not worry about me. I’d never let a fool worry.

MC: Ok, I know…

I responded softly to him, but I couldn’t hide my calm smile.

MC: ...I just can’t help it.

I can’t help worrying about you, whether you’re hungry, cold, or tired. I can’t help but want to see you whether you are in front of me or not. I can’t help but smile, only because of your figure in my mind.

I looked out at the clouds stretching out of the window, spreading out a large dim twilight, the stars looming, the golden sunset and the quiet night meeting at the end of the sky.

The sun is going down.

MC: Victor, I did not finish the interview before the sun set. Will you punish me?

Victor: ….

The only response to me is his even and steady breathing. I looked down at his sleeping face. This familiar face became thinner in just a few measly days. I reached out and stroked his cheek gently. But, still afraid of waking him, I just watched quietly.

MC: Go to bed.

MC: …..

MC: Sleep peacefully.

#mr love queen’s choice #mlqc #mr love #mr love queen’s choice victor #mr love victor #love and producer #恋与制作人 #李泽言 #恋与制作人李泽言 #mr love date #mlqc date #mr love queen’s choice date #mldd #mr love dream date #hes so cute 🥺🥺🥺🥺

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bangtiddies · 5 years ago

Text

The Other Sunflower (Part One)

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader, side Vmin Genre: Angst, Fluff, Childhood Friends, Hybird AU (kinda?), Dystopian Sci Fi (kinda?) Rating: PG15 Words: 2.8k Warnings: mentions of death, child neglect, anxiety, and panic attacks

Summary: When sunflowers are grown too close together, they'll compete and won't mature fully. Yoongi, grown too close to you, was taken away from you so you can reach full maturity. Now, after escaping from the garden, you try to find out what happened to Yoongi.

Note: This is my Bouquet Days gift for @shadowsremedy!! I’m so sorry it took so long for me to write and post this but I hope you love it! 🥺 I tried to incorporate the things you mentioned into this fic so it might be one genius plot or a big clusterfuck. We’ll find out 😉 Also a massive thank you for @mikroparadise for reading this fic and giving me the validation I need and to all my fellow writers across different network servers who helped me with research!

You don’t remember much of your childhood other than blurred memories of the sun, wires connected to your body, and isolation. What you do remember clearly, however, is the young boy you spent time with.

They tried to erase your memories of him. From the wires they connected to the stickers on your brain, they wanted you to forget. But in moments of darkness, when the sun wasn’t enough for you, you would remember the other sunflower in The Garden. The other sunflower they released because he was no longer useful to them.

When you asked for him after he was taken away, they told you that if sunflowers are growing too close to each other, they’d compete and not reach full maturity. That he had to be removed. In hushed whispers while you were pretending to be asleep, they talked about how he was ‘not needed’. You were all they needed. The only sunflower growing in The Garden.

It was lonely being the only sunflower. They wouldn’t let you mingle with the poppies or the roses. The curious daisies and buttercups would try to talk to you, only to be shooed away by them. You grew up in isolation. And when the moon shone through the windows of your room, your dome, your lab, the memories of your playful childhood with the other sunflower would start to materialise in the room around you.

Around you, versions of the younger you play with versions of the other sunflower, chasing each other around the room. Secrets shared in hushed whispers when he'd sneak out of his tube in the dome to talk to you under the stars and moonlight.

When you finally fell asleep, those memories would disappear with the sunrise. They would wake you up when the sun was shining through the dome to do more tests on your body. To force your body to reach the best it possibly could. They had high expectations for you. Their only sunflower.

Running away from The Garden wasn't a choice that had crossed your mind.

But, after you had reached your maturity, you stumbled upon the file in the office right next to your dome. The office was empty, the staff member who was usually there had gone to get lunch. They trusted you too much, thinking that your curious nature was gone. That your memories of the other sunflower were erased. Now that you were fully mature, they trusted you to be their willing tool.

The file showed information of the other sunflower. Flicking through it, you read that the other sunflower was deposited in a city not too far away from The Garden. You continued to look through the file, searching for any more information that would help you. You reached the back of the file and you found it. An address. A name you had forgotten.

Min Yoongi.

Your curious nature got the best of you. You had no reason to stay in The Garden. You had no close friends, no motivation to stay there as their tool. You wanted to find the only thing that gave you light.

And at night, you slip out of The Garden. It was too easy.

Without looking back, you head toward the city to find Min Yoongi.

To find the other sunflower.

The city is a lot different to the images you've seen in books, having only seen the big buildings and bright pretty lights. The city is overwhelming, people and vehicles everywhere, your years in isolation making you realise that you lack in any kind of social skills. Sunflowers are supposed to be pretty and stand tall in the sun. You never had any lessons on how to communicate with people. Now that you think about it, other than the other sunflower, you hardly talked to anyone in The Garden at all.

Finding the address is difficult - navigating the city was different to what you had expected. Your pride in your navigation skills from the tests you had to take diminishes in the bustling streets of the city. But after a few hours of taking wrong turns and using the map of the city you found in the cabinets of the office, you finally found the address you were looking for.

The building of the address is old, the stone walls covered in vines and morning glories. The flowers tell you that they took over the building, giggling to each other about their plan to cover the whole street. A sign above the door of the building writes a word that you wish you knew about before you found the address.

Orphanage.

Your heart sinks at the word, your realisation that the other sunflower was probably discarded somewhere that was convenient because he was no longer useful to The Garden. You doubt that he would be here, knowing well enough that if you're a matured flower, he would be too. Still, you knock on the door, in hopes that you'd find more information about the other sunflower.

You wait a few minutes in anticipation, before the door is slowly opened by a curious young girl with doe eyes. She stares at you with wide eyes, a mixture of excitement and fear in them.

"Hello," you give her a smile. "Is there an adult I can speak to here?"

She nods, staring at you for a little while longer as if she's analysing you before scurrying away. You ask the morning glories if they can hear discussions going on inside.

She told an older woman that you're a pretty lady. You sunflowers always know how to please people.

You smile to yourself at the morning glory's words, just as an older woman walks to the door.

"Hello, can I help you?" she asks you, looking you up and down.

One of the morning glories tells you, they don't get enough adopters here. They're probably wondering if you're here to adopt a child.

You try not to let your smile falter. You want to. The young girl looks so excited that you might be here to adopt her and your heart almost breaks that you have to bring that excitement down. Still, you keep the smile on your face, ready to charm the older woman into telling you about what you came here for - the other sunflower.

"Hello, I'm looking for an old friend of mine and the information I found tells me that he was once here."

The young girl's excitement drops a little, but she still continues to look at you with such awe. You hope that you're not using your charm too much.

You are, one of the morning glories whisper.

Another one says, who are you looking for?

"Sure, what's his name," the older woman asks, charmed by your smile, returning it with a kind smile.

"Min Yoongi," you say, answering both her question and the one from the morning glory.

The morning glories gasp. The older woman's jaw drops a little before she composes herself.

"Come in," she says quietly, opening the door wider to invite you in.

We heard about Min Yoongi from our mothers, the morning glories say as you walk into the orphanage. He's a bad sunflower.

You wonder what they mean by 'bad sunflower' while you follow the older woman to the door of what seems to be an office. The young girl follows the two of you before she's stopped by another woman, this one younger than the older woman, whom you're assuming is the lead caregiver of this orphanage.

"C'mon, Daisy. It's supposed to be your bedtime," the younger caregiver says, picking the young girl up. You give the girl a small smile as she's whisked away by the woman.

The lead caregiver opens the door to the office, and she invites you into the room. You walk in, the older woman closing the door to the office before moving to the desk. You look around the room, the lack of wallpaper in the building unnerving to you. There's an uncovered light bulb hanging from the ceiling in the middle of the room. Three small windows are placed on two sides of the square room and the lack of curtains shows you glimpses of the city through the many vines and morning glories. The room looks nothing like an office, and more like an unfurnished room in the midst of renovation.

"You might not like what I'm about to show you," she says, grabbing a file from the first drawer of the desk and handing it to you. You accept it, giving her a grateful smile, feeling the rough texture of the yellowing cardboard file before sitting down on the small wooden chair in front of the desk and opening it. There seems to be a few documents in there but the first one catches your attention. It's a newspaper article.

Local gang fights lead to deaths of young men.

The article is recent, dated a year ago. You look through the names of the suspected deaths before your eyes land on one.

Min Yoongi.

Tears prickle at your eyes as your hands shake, gripping the sides of the file. The light bulb in the room turns off. Shadows from the lights outside that filtered through the small windows start to overtake the room as the brightness of the room disappears. The shadows whispering to you, asking you to give them physical forms. The lead caretaker mumbles something about a power cut but you don't hear her. All you can think about is the despair that you'll never see the other sunflower again. The morning glories outside start yelling at you, telling you to SNAP OUT OF IT!!

Small arms wrap themselves around you as the light in the room suddenly turns back on. You take your eyes off the file to turn to the body wrapped around you to see the young girl from before. Daisy.

"Don't let the Shadows take over," she whispers to you.

And then you realise. You realise why she's been looking at you with such curious eyes. Not only was she expecting for an adopter but she saw who you were underneath the skin of a normal human being. The young girl, she's like you -- a Flower. A daisy. But she's a little different to the daisies at The Garden, she doesn't have the same aura as normal flowers and Flowers from The Garden. You can't quite put a finger on it but you know that she knows. She knows you're a Flower.

"Daisy!" the woman from before barges into the office, steam coming out of her ears. "What did I say about bedtime?"

Daisy pouts, gripping her arms around you. "I want to be with the pretty lady."

"The pretty lady isn't here for you, Daisy," the lead caretaker says from her desk with an exasperated sigh. She turns to you with an apologetic smile. "I'm so sorry about her. Ever since one of our co-workers left, she's been, uh, difficult."

"You should go meet Taetae, pretty lady!" Daisy says, unwrapping herself from around you so she can show you her grin with missing teeth. "He likes sunflowers!"

"Okay, enough about Mr Kim, young lady. It's time for bed," the younger caretaker says, grabbing Daisy's hand and pulling her out of the office. Daisy waves at you with a knowing smile before the office door is closed. You turn back to the head caretaker.

"Thank you so much for your help," you say to her, giving her a charming smile.

She smiles back. "If there's anything I can help you with, let me know."

Get Kim Taehyung's address, the morning glories whisper. He's just like you. He can help you.

You use your charm on the head caretaker, giving her the brightest smile you can muster. "Actually, could I ask you a favour?"

The house in front of you has sunflowers on the front porch. They face the sun with pride, ready to lift the spirits of the people who walk past. Look at me! Look at me!

Daisy lets go of your hand, running to the front door of the house and ringing the doorbell before you could say anything to stop her. You stand by the open front gate awkwardly as the door opens a few minutes after. Daisy jumps in excitement.

"Taetae!" she giggles, leaping into the arms of the man who opened the door. He looks surprised a second before a boxy grin breaks out and he wraps his arms around the small girl.

"Daisy, what are you doing here?" he asks, adjusting her so he's resting her on his hips. He looks at her with such joy, as if she lights up his world.

He must love children, you think, letting the sunflowers hear your thoughts.

Oh, he does, the sunflowers say. We think he loves them more than us.

The man, you notice, seems to be a Flower, his bright red hair and eyebrows being an obvious flower trait. If you got a better look at him, you'd guess exactly what kind of flower he is. You think about asking the sunflowers, but you’re a little worried that the sunflowers might tell him your thoughts.

"I came here with a pretty sunflower lady!" Daisy points a finger at you. “She stayed the night at the orphanage and read me a nice book.”

You awkwardly smile as the man turns his attention toward you. You lift your hand to wave your fingers, and your breath hitches when you see that the man's eyes darkened at the sight of you.

"How about we get inside," he says. "We wouldn't want any unwanted listeners."

He invites you inside the house, still holding Daisy on his hips, and he closes the door behind you. You hear him talking to the sunflowers, and in that moment, you also realise what kind of flower he is. He's a unique one, one you haven't quite seen nor heard of before. But you do remember looking at files of failed projects in The Garden during your training.

"Kim Taehyung," you whisper. "Bird of Paradise."

The man, who was walking past you down the hallway, stops in his tracks. He breathes in deeply, before breathing out again.

"Follow me," he whispers, leading you down the hall. The interior of the house is like the exterior, bright and colourful with paintings of sunflowers on the walls. But with the lights out and the curtains drawn, the hallway looks dark and eerie. It looks almost like you had stepped into one of those virtual reality tests where you had to search for a perpetrator. Anxiety fills your lungs at the reminder of those tests. You hated those tests.

Pushing your anxiety aside, you follow Kim Taehyung down the hall toward a door. He opens it and you see stairs leading down. You follow him down into the basement, the lack of windows making you feel slightly more on edge. The lights on the walls are enough for you to see the steps below you and Kim Taehyung's red hair in front of you. When you reach the bottom of the stairs, you find that you're standing in front of three doors. Each of the doors look exactly the same, brown and worn with a copper door handle.

Kim Taehyung places Daisy down on her feet, before turning to the door on the furthest right and unlocking it, opening the door to yet another hallway. He flicks the light switch by the entrance and the lights down the hallway turn on one by one. The hallway is long and narrow, and you wonder how long it goes on for. The stone walls of the underground hallway intimidates you as you start walking toward an unknown destination. Daisy holds your hand and Kim Taehyung's, a bounce in her step.

The three of you walk for a good ten minutes or so before the path splits into two. Kim Taehyung stops, looks around, before leading you down the left path. You walk for another five minutes before you reach another door. Kim Taehyung unlocks it, opens it, and you find yourself in a basement similar to the one you were in before. He turns to the door closest to the one you walked out of and knocks on it in a specific pattern.

You wait in anticipation, breath hitched, as you hear the noises of somebody walking toward the door. The door opens, slightly ajar, and you hear a man’s voice.

“Codeword?”

“Mandu.”

“Oh my god, Taehyung!” the door opens to reveal a pink haired man, arms crossed with a pout on his lips. “How many times to I have to tell you I’m sorry?! I can’t have you mentioning the mandu incident when I’m trying to be professional!”

Kim Taehyung smirks, “I just wanted to see you worked up, babe. I forgive you.”

The pink haired man smiles, before realising that they’re not alone. “Wait, why are you here?”

“I have someone the crew might want to meet,” Kim Taehyung says, gesturing to you. The pink haired man’s eyes widen at the sight of you.

“A sunflower,” he whispers.

“Get Hoseok hyung,” Kim Taehyung says. “We’re calling a meeting.”

masterlist (to be posted) | next (coming soon)

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lia-jones · 4 years ago

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Growing Pains - Chapter Nine - The King and the Thief

Needless to say, I spent my weekend thinking about Victor and that particular event in my kitchen. My heart lingered in the memory of his warmth like a guilty pleasure, while my mind kept telling me what a bad idea it was to fall in love, especially with my boss. But my greatest flaw and virtue came to this one thing: no matter the dispute between my head and my heart, my heart always had the upper hand. That was something that gave me both great joy and great grief.

I wondered if something meaningful would’ve happened if his phone didn’t ring, and my heart beat yes. My mind though, warned me of the danger of misreading signs, particularly in this case. A wrong step could break both my heart and my career, but the humiliation would be even worse.

I arrived at the office promising myself I would only focus on work and nothing else. I was probably seeing things, anyway. That guy probably had all the women he could have, attractive tall women with beautiful hair and eyes of exotic colors, supermodel material. What would he want to do with a plain brown haired and brown eyed short girl?

I walked quickly to my old desk, expecting to see all my stuff there again. I imagined he wanted the privacy of his office back again, and since I did a good job in Creekwood, my punishment would be over. But my old desk was stubbornly empty. Goldman saw me and came to me.

“What are you doing here? Victor wants you in his office. Now.” Goldman’s voice was way too serious for my liking.

“Is he mad at me? Did I do something wrong?” I asked, feeling a little nervous.

“How the hell should I know?!?” Goldman was clearly irritated. “Do you think he writes me a memo every time he gets pissed?”

I raised my hands, urging him to calm down.

“Ok, ok, I’m going. Jeez.”

I knocked before coming in. Victor raised his eyebrows at me.

“Why did you knock? You work here. You don’t have to knock.” His voice had a touch of anger, but it didn’t seem directed at me. I relaxed.

“I was just trying to be polite.” I answered, concealing the fact that I was not wanting to aggravate him even more.

“Don’t think I didn’t see you speaking to Goldman just now. Glass doors.” He pointed at the doors, and then looked me straight in the eyes, calling my bluff. “How long will it take you to figure out you don’t have to be afraid of me?”

“I’m not. I’m not afraid.” I didn’t lie, I wasn’t. Sure, Victor could be harsh, and I surely didn’t want to feel the effects of his anger, but it wasn’t fear. Respect, maybe? I couldn’t put my finger on it. “It came from respect, not fear.” I added. Victor kept his gaze on me, like he was confirming if I was being truthful.

“I need you to take a look at these.” He said, handing me a folder.

“They’re Ted’s partners.” I said, recognizing the companies names in the documents. “Is something wrong?”

“The accounting department noticed some inconsistencies on money transfers to these companies. Probably some data was lost when the servers went down. You worked with Ted, perhaps you can fill in the gaps.” He tried to keep a nonchalant tone, but his almost unperceptively furrowed brow spoke volumes. This was troubling him.

“Where is Ted? These are his clients, after all.” I asked, starting to feel a bit tense. I didn’t want to be the one causing Ted trouble.

“He’s not answering his phone.” Victor almost whispered. “I need you to do it.” He ended the conversation right there, turning to his laptop.

I turned to my own laptop and opened the server files for those companies, comparing them with the transfer receipts in the folder. After some time, I could see why Victor was so upset. The transfers were each over a hundred thousand dollars, all of them combined indicating a loss of millions. After checking with the company files, I found nothing that could indicate why he had transferred those amounts. I started rubbing my forehead in distress. Victor quickly picked up on that.

“Something’s wrong?” He came closer, eyeing my screen.

“I can’t really find why these transfers were made. You should really ask Ted, before making any assumptions.” I could feel Victor’s warmth irradiating from his body. And he smelled so good. Why the hell does he have to smell so good? “Or maybe…” I said, trying not to get lost in his scent. ”Maybe I could just email the partners, tell them we had a server problem, ask them to confirm the transfers? I know it’s a bit of exposure, but we would find out.”

Victor rested his elbow on my desk, supporting his chin with his hand.

“Yes, send an e-mail to the partners. Let’s hear from them.”

We both resumed our work, and after I had sent emails to pretty much every one of Ted’s partners, I heard Victor answer a phone call.

“Ted?” It was visible Victor was trying to control his anger. “Where have you been? I’ve been trying to reach you since last night!” He paused, hearing from the other line. “The server went down, we are missing some information about some money transfers you made.” Another pause. “Send them to Andrea as soon as possible. She’ll update the files for you. Feel better.”

I was hanging on the edge of my seat.

“So?” I asked.

“This is why I insist you backup all your work outside the servers! Information gets lost and then it’s all on you!” He spoke loudly than usual, but I could see he was just venting. He noticed his tone, and softened it a bit. “He caught the flu, he’ll stay home for a few days. He is going to email you the receipts. Do you have the reports from our business trip?” He said, leaning on his seat and exhaling, seemingly relieved.

“I have the drafts, I was going to finish them this morning. If you have nothing else, I’ll finish them right now.”

“Yes, do that. Take your time, I just need them for the afternoon.” He got up and was about to leave, but then turned to me. “I’m going to get myself some coffee, would you like some?”

“I can get it for both of us. I need to peel my eyes off the screen for a few minutes.” I said, getting up.

“Come along, then. I need the same.” Victor said, opening the door for me and following close behind. We headed for the coffee room.

He grabbed the pot before I could and filled two cups with coffee.

“Sugar?” He asked, holding a sugar packet.

“Just black, thank you.” I said, absent mindedly. I was leaning against the table, watching a different scene unfold. Victor came to my side, handing me the coffee cup. We stood silent for a while.

“What are we looking at?” He asked, taking a sip of his coffee.

“Goldman and Diane.” I had been watching Goldman bring Diane coffee from a known coffee house we usually frequented. They were chatting and smiling at each other.

“They’re just talking.” Victor said, furrowing his brow.

“No, no. You see, he brought her coffee.” I said, giving Victor a meaningful look. “And not just any coffee. By the way she reacted, he knows how she likes her coffee.”

“And? It’s just coffee.” He wasn’t really getting it. Of course he wasn’t. Some men.

“No, it’s not just coffee. It’s a thoughtful act. You guys think we need grand gestures, serenades in the moonlight, and large bouquets of roses. Sometimes all it takes is a cup of coffee.”

“Is that so?” Victor smiled and I could see he was mocking me. “I bet if someone did the same to you, you wouldn’t even notice.”

“If someone was that thoughtful to me, I would.”

“Idiot.” Victor shook his head, chuckling. He grabbed his cup of coffee and walked towards the office.

I was left by myself fuming. What the hell did he mean with that? And what the hell did he know anyway? He wouldn’t know love even if it hit him in his nose.

I took my time to finish my coffee, hoping the heat in my face would eventually fade away.

When I got to the office, Victor was focused on his laptop. I opened mine and noticed my inbox was full of unread messages.

“Your computer has been beeping non-stop.” Victor said, not taking his eyes from his computer.

I read the first message and my heart nearly stopped. Praying to be wrong, I read five more. They all said the same.

“What the hell, Ted...” I said, under my breath.

“What’s the matter?” Victor asked, as he got up and stood behind my chair, bending to look at my screen. I took a deep breath and started opening the emails for Victor to see.

“The partners answered me. None of them recognizes the transfers, or the account numbers, for that matter. I’m sorry, I should have checked the account numbers, it totally slipped my mind…” I rubbed my forehead, overwhelmed with the situation. Ted, one of the closest coworkers I had at LFG, was embezzling? If this was hitting me hard, I could only imagine how Victor must have felt. They seemed friends.

Victor stood up and just kept looking at the screen, lost in his inner turmoil. His expression turned from one of disappointment to anger. He lightly squeezed my shoulder and spoke softly, even though he couldn’t completely hide the heat in his voice.

“Don’t worry, I didn’t think of it either. We both wanted to believe in his innocence.” He went to his laptop and closed it, taking his cellphone and jacket. He walked to the door, turning before leaving.

“Finish the reports and go home. I will be away all afternoon. I will call you later if I need anything.”

And with that, he closed the door behind him.

I finished my reports, not caring for lunch, and went home early. I took a shower and put on my slacks and a cotton sweater, deciding to make a tea for myself. Even after the steaming shower, it was hard for me to relax. I knew Ted had his flaws, but it was hard to believe he would do that. Specially to Victor, who he seemed to respect so much. I was startled from my thoughts by my ringtone. It was Victor.

“Are you home yet?” He asked, his voice was tense.

“For about an hour now. Do you need anything?”

“No, just… Calling to see if you got home safely.” I could hear exhaustion in his voice, but most of all, I could hear sadness. His voice was of someone who carried the entire world on his shoulders.

“So he did do it?” I asked shortly. I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear the answer. Victor sighed loudly, but didn’t say a word. After a moment, he spoke again.

“I’ll need you to come to work tomorrow at 7 am. I’ll have someone pick you up.”

“You don’t need to send anyone to pick me up. My car is working, I can drive myself.” I wasn’t seeing the point of being driven when I could perfectly do it on my own.

“Ted’s clients have been calling and emailing me since this morning.” Victor quickly changed the subject. “He seriously compromised the company with his inefficient work and we need to deal with it fast. Since you worked closely with his accounts, you’re the best choice to help me fix it.”

“I already said I would go, I was just pointing out you don’t need to send anyone for me, I’ll go by myself like I have been since ever.”

I heard Victor sigh once again.

“We’ll talk tomorrow, ok? Just do as you’re asked. When the car arrives, just get in and come to LFG.”

And with this he hung up. I went to the cabinet and grabbed the bottle of tequila. If I wanted to relax, I’d need something stronger than tea.

#Growing Pains - Series #growingpains #mlqc victor #victor x oc #mlqc #li zeyan #mlqc fanfic #mister love queens choice #love and producer

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mintchanniemint · 5 years ago

Text

Request # 1

"I am a sucker for angst so like... maybe for SKZ, when the reader overheard him saying they are clingy and completely ignore him to respect his decision? that’s like a classic scenario but I love them so much" Thank you for the request, anon!!

I really worked hard for this! I got a bit of inspiration by listening to “I Would” and “Goodbye Winter” by DAY6! I really hope you’ll enjoy reading this, and I apologize for any mistakes, English is not my first language!

pt.2

_____________________________

Thursday March 5th, 01:34 p.m

You’ve been working nonstop for the past five hours but you finally decided to give your eyes a break from the bright screen of the computer you worked on. The only good thing about lunch break was to eat something with your boyfriend. You were colleagues, and it was probably thanks to that boring office job that you were able to meet him.

It happened back in October, when he started working there and the boss told you to help him integrate in his new workplace; not one of your favorite tasks, but you had to admit that he was pretty smart and friendly, and the time spent with him was actually enjoyable.

You slowly got closer day after day, when one day he asked you out for a movie, and not only it was a great night, but you couldn’t forget his shy smile when he asked you to “see each other more often, preferably not only at work” and you agreed.

You couldn’t forget the sparkle in his eyes when you kissed him, that evening during the little Christmas party you had at work with other coworkers since you had to work some extra days and some of them decided to bring some drinks and sweets, to make that “I’m working during Christmas” day a bit less sad.

You couldn’t forget his beautiful smile when you started leaving every single morning a little mug of hot chocolate and a warm strawberry jam filled sweet roll on his desk. Those were small things that filled your days with happiness, they made you feel so calm, and somehow, loved. On the other hand, he started leaving a milk candy near your computer as a little ‘thank you’ and he was always there, ready to comfort you whenever you had a rough day. Sometimes he spent the night over at your house, to keep you company, and you would have never forgotten that time you literally ran in the rain to go take care of him when he caught an awful cold.

You were there for each other, you loved each other, and you thought everything was alright.

You really thought nothing was wrong in your relationship, but lately you’ve been feeling a bit different; maybe it was due to the stress at work, but you and Chan argued often, even over really useless things. Although you were always able to solve it all but it was starting to feel slightly annoying. It felt as if you needed something that would make you talk about it with him, but you were scared. You were scared of the consequences, but at the same time you had to do something.

Right when you were heading to the cafeteria to enjoy your lunch, you heard a conversation. Probably a conversation you would have completely erased from your mind if you could. A conversation you never wanted to know it happened. You didn’t expect that at all, you were hoping you somehow misheard. But no, it happened.

“Man, don’t you think y/n’s a bit clingy? I mean, you see each other every single day, at work, too!”

“Tell me about it, sometimes it might be annoying, but, you know, I guess that’s probably normal?”

“Nah, Bang, let me tell ya’… That’s not normal! Too clingy, man! Think about it. See you after break.”

“Yeah…see you!”

You kept walking, tightening the grip on your food box, and slowly headed to the cafeteria.

“Hey!”

You heard his voice, probably calling you. You took a deep breath and kept walking. You don’t really know how you felt, that overheard conversation was able to change your mood completely. You were upset, angry. Angry at him but mostly, angry at yourself.

It wasn’t the first time you heard such words from some colleagues, but this time it hit differently since you heard Chan agreeing to it.

“Oh, you’re finally looking at m-”

You didn’t say a word, ignoring him, but he kept following you.

Once you arrived at the cantine, you sat down at a table near the window, and looked at your boyfriend, sitting beside you.

“You know, Chan. In a relationship there should be communication.”

You cut his words and ate your meal in complete silence. He snorted, already annoyed by the fact that you were probably starting the usual fight over something dumb, but you didn’t even look at him nor said anything else. The atmosphere got really uncomfortable and the only thing you were thinking about was to finish your meal as soon as possible and go back to finish that huge file the boss assigned you that morning. At least you and Chan didn’t work in the same room, otherwise the rest of the day would have been unbearable.

You sighed and lightly slapped your left cheek. Don’t think about that now.

Once you finished your meal, you gave him a quick glance before standing up and leaving the cantine, quickly going to the restroom.

You washed your hands, fixed the round glasses on your nose and quickly combed your hair with your fingers, fixing your blouse and trousers. You took a deep breath and stared at your reflection in the mirror, wondering what you did wrong.

What was so “clingy” and “annoying”? What you thought was a small cute sign of love, was actually something he found annoying?

You went back to the office, but you couldn’t focus properly on your task, your mind full of thoughts about your boyfriend, and a sense of guilt started spreading in you, because you ignored him during your break and left him there without saying a word.

“Ugh… I’m the worst.” you mumbled to yourself while checking some files and information on the server of the office. Your eyes drifting from a page to another, your mind fixed on repeating those words in loop. You just wanted that day to end soon.

_____________________________

05:06 p.m

“See you tomorrow!”

“Yes, have a good evening!”

You waved goodbye to your friend and put the last few documents left in your small folder, ready to finally leave and go home. You passed your badge the little machine that bipped, signing the time you were leaving, and wore your jacket and scarf. You took a deep breath, and after saying goodbye to some other colleagues you met in the hallways, you finally reached the parking of the building and quickly got in your car.

You sat there for a couple of minutes in complete silence, immersed in your thoughts when you suddenly heard someone knocking on the window of the car, scaring you. You gasped and saw Chan waving at you with a little smile.

You sighed and nodded, telling him to get in.

“Hey.”

“… Did… did you forget we went to work together this morning?”

You didn’t answer, you sighed and turned the engine on and drove towards Chan’s home. He didn’t live too far from work, but you thought it was nice to give him a ride since his house was on your way to work.

You turned on the radio because the silence got way too annoying and awkward. The soft and calm voice of a female singer accompanied by the sound of a guitar was filling your ears, nearly able to erase those annoying thoughts that kept flowing in your mind, when suddenly Chan spoke up.

“Weren’t we supposed to go to your house today?”

You blinked and looked at him, quickly finding an excuse.

“Uh… I have a lot of work to do today. It’s better if I go home early.”

You said, tapping lightly on the steering wheel and biting nervously your lip, waiting for him to get off.

Chan nodded, understanding, and before getting off, he left a quick peck on your cheek.

“See you tomorrow, then.”

He whispered gently against your skin before leaving another long kiss on your cheek. You slowly closed your eyes at the familiar softness of his lips but quickly snapped out of it once he left. He waved at you before entering the huge block of flats, and you nodded slowly, driving away to your house.

_____________________________

08:23 p.m

You were in the living room, laptop, pens and documents all over the table. Working at home wasn’t really that fun but you had to do it since that day you were completely absent and you weren’t able to do much and you kept feeling highly guilty about it.

Not even on purpose, your phone started buzzing. You checked the notifications.

Who the hell says goodbye to their own boyfriend by just… nodding?!

You groaned, annoyed by your own thoughts, and kept tapping on the letters of the keyboard.

You really loved Chan but that exact moment you were hating him because your mind was full of thoughts about him.

Great, a message.

Chan🐺: hey babe. It’s pretty late now so I hope you’re not still working. You might be tired now! Make sure to sleep early.

You sighed and quickly typed your reply.

You☀️: Don’t worry, it’s ok Chan. Make sure to have a good sleep xx

Chan🐺: you seem weird, we’ll talk tomorrow k?

You☀️:Tomorrow I can’t give u a ride, see you though

You put your phone away and kept focusing on your laptop and in a couple of hours you were able to finish everything. It was nearly midnight and you had to go to sleep. You got ready and changed into your pajamas and once in your bedroom, you automatically took your phone to write a goodnight message to Chan, but something stopped you. Maybe it was better not to.

There you are, coward as usual.

_____________________________

Tuesday, March 10th, 4:50 p.m

You were getting ready to go back home, fixing some files and documents in the office before getting your bag and jacket. You left the room, hoping not to bump into him, but once you were going down the stairs, you froze.

Some days have passed since you decided not to be “clingy” to your boyfriend anymore. You didn’t drive him to work anymore, you didn’t stop at the café to get his breakfast and you tried your best not to annoy him too much. You didn’t want to hear anyone else describing you as “clingy”, but being so focused on that, you slowly started ignoring completely your boyfriend. You didn’t notice how you two were slowly losing each other and he gradually stopped writing you any messages.

It was a horrible situation, but you tried to convince yourself you were doing the best thing for the both of you.

You couldn’t hide the fact you were starting to miss spending time with him, but at the same time, you were afraid. Afraid to face reality. You were avoiding any kind of interaction with Chan since the last thing he told you was “we need to talk”, but that day you couldn’t escape from it anymore.

“Hey, y/n, wait. Please.”

He followed you, he seemed like he was in a hurry, probably he tried for the past week to meet you but you were fast enough not to see him when you were leaving to go home.

He grabbed your hand and looked at you, sadness and confusion filling his eyes. You sighed and slowly nodded, already knowing what was going to happen.

“Let’s go outside.”

You sighed, those lovely memories were starting to hurt you slowly.

Once you were out, the light breeze caressed your face and you started feeling slightly nervous. You both fell into an awkward silence, walking quietly in a small park near your workplace.

While walking, memories started flooding your mind: you looked at a couple of trees, that started blooming, and remembered how you spent entire hours in that park when it was covered in snow, with Chan, talking and laughing.

“You’ve been acting weird lately. I’m sorry I said that. But it was getting pretty suffocating.”

“You should have told me.”

You stopped walking, staring at your own shoes. So you were really having that conversation, huh?

You took a deep breath.

“I know, and I’m so sorry. But you know how we were already arguing over stupid things, I didn’t want to add any more to it.”

“See? You’re already arguing.”

“So you go and complain about your girlfriend with some random colleauge?”

You took a deep breath, not brave enough to look at him in the eyes.

You didn’t say a thing, you just kept looking at the ground, holding your tears, when you suddenly looked at him.

“Maybe… Maybe we just need some time.”

You mumbled, your hands holding tight on your bag.

Chan hummed in response. Silence quickly spreading in a couple of seconds. Neither of you moved nor said anything. You were deeply focused on your own thoughts, but that was the best decision at the moment. You were usually not the type of people to argue or hold a grudge, but that day you both agreed you needed some time to think.

“I’m sorry.”

It was getting a bit uncomfortable, but before parting ways, Chan held your hand shyly, and gave you a long kiss on your lips.

You closed your eyes at the sweet and warm feeling of his soft lips on yours.

He whispered, caressing lightly your cheek, fixing a lock of hair behind your ear. You nodded slowly, taking a deep breath.

You just needed some time to think, but a sense of fear couldn’t leave you at all.

He looked at you one last time and walked away, his figure getting more blurry and distant as you finally let your tears roll down your cheeks.

#skz au #skz imagine #skz angst #bang chan au #skz chan au #skz chan angst #chan angst #stray kids imagine #stray kids angst #bang chan imagine #request #day6 songs are always so on point

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egdocument · 6 years ago

Text

About the EvaGeeks wiki and why you shouldn't trust it, concerning mainly one user.

On the subject of EvaGeeks: Let’s talk about the manipulation of information on the wiki, and perpetuated “nastiness” on the forums that has persisted for several years now. THIS IS A MIRROR OF THIS GOOGLE DOCS FILE. (My twitter post.) You can share this post or the original document freely, use parts of it, etc. I want this document to simply serve as a warning to new Eva fans and those less familiar with EvaGeeks and their history - as well as an update for people who haven’t seen the current state of it.

NOTE: If you can’t read any of these images, these are Imgur albums containing all of the notable ones: https://imgur.com/a/z2mGvvX https://imgur.com/a/oAgufc3

The intent of this document is not to “take down” the wiki or forum, obviously. The intent is simply to inform people of the dangers of trusting this site with their Eva info. It might be the best we have but that doesn’t mean we can’t improve it. I would actually love to see a more community cultivated version of the site with less biased information, but I fear that will never happen. The anxieties of any one (or many) individual(s), which have prevented consistent change until now are well justified, and it is not within reason to blame the outsiders for never bothering to correct the myriad of issues with the wiki. Please extend kindness to other Eva fans and approach sites like EvaGeeks with the appropriate scrutiny, if you aren’t already. We’re divided enough as it is.

Before I begin, I must state: All of the information presented is publicly available, either through main pages, chat logs or history. And yes, the link to join the Discord server and verify the information given in this is publicly available too. I will not link it myself, as I want to avoid any possible harassment of the users I speak about here. Harassment is NEVER the answer in any kind of conflict. This behaviour I don’t believe can go unchecked, but that doesn’t mean the consequences of it should be any kind of conflict towards any user. I will be naming them here so you are aware, but I really do have to advise you, as a reminder, DO NOT HARASS OR ENGAGE WITH THEM. The rule of thumb is that these issues are more systematic than you might think, and blaming or taking it out on a singular person or even a whole group is never justified. Targeted harassment, even with reason, especially never helps to remedy an issue, because it forces the person to double down on their behaviour and beliefs. Causing unnecessary pain to a person is never okay, and the ‘offences’ committed here aren’t deserving of it in the first place. Please also consider the feelings of the people who use the server and EvaGeeks site; not everyone is your "enemy" or your "target" (and frankly, no-one should be) and despite the feelings echoed in this document, EG is not a monolith of a singular opinion or belief.

The purpose of this document is to inform people of the ways EvaGeeks fails objectivity and has existed to push narratives and exclude outsiders for far too long. With new people coming into the Eva fandom (and there of course being others who have been around for quite a while but just aren't aware) I feel like now is the best time I could write this.

As for what prompted this, an anonymous member of the Discord server contacted me regarding the behaviour of one particular user they were concerned about. Said user had expressed considerable bias in the past and was admitting to making large edits to pages on the wiki very recently, and the person who contacted me felt unequipped to bring the issue to light themselves.

A decent amount of this document will be dedicated to presenting said user's contributions - while I feel someone always had to address the EvaGeeks Problem at large, it doesn't help that this user has essentially incriminated himself here to expose the problem in its entirety.

There is quite a bit of pretense I must discuss before I get into the subject of the wiki pages themselves. I suggest you read all of it; the start of the wiki section will be in heading text if you’d like to skip to it. I’m sure information on the biased editing of wiki pages is privy to anyone who has used the server or the site itself, but at the server’s current status of 60 entire members, I know not everyone has, or is aware of what the problem actually is. Please note that the person who contacted me has requested anonymity and I will be complying. I will not include screenshots of their conversation with me, and anything I quote from them will be paraphrased so nobody can go full Sherlock and analyse their typing patterns. It sounds silly and it’s probably just paranoia, but they shared my concern here. Any conflict we can prevent is for the best. EvaGeeks, of course, has a culture very much promoting the idea that it’s the “number 1 source for all things Eva”, and for English speaking fans it definitely is - you’d be surprised the amount of people who still, after all these years, think this site is consistently reputable. For the sake of context, I’m going to assume that you are not all that familiar with the site’s history or nature, so I’m going to provide a little bit of information about it for those without any first-hand experience. The forums in particular cultivate a very join-us-or-get-out type community, where those who dare to go against the grain get incentivised to leave the site; they’ll claim this isn’t the case if asked and obviously the site is NOT a hivemind but that doesn’t mean it’s not insular. I can vouch for myself and many others who refuse to go in more than a few threads for fear of discussion turning particularly nasty. Even the server member who came to me about this has stated they feel it “might not be a hivemind but it sure feels that way.” Silencing dissent, even when officially-backed, is part of their culture. You don’t have to personally harass everyone who has an opposing thought to you for it to not feel acceptable, you just need to have a history of mocking those who do. If you want some previous, notable cases of “discussion turning nasty”, here’s some off the top of my head: 1. The AWL Incident - In which ADV VA of Rei and director of EoE dub, Amanda Winn-Lee, joined the forums for discussion and was promptly harassed by a user. Most of these messages have been deleted but you can view what remains of her post history here. 2. Recently brought to my attention: upon beginning translation of the Episode 24 drafts, EG forum user LiLi was subjected to incentive to leave, mostly in the form of homophobic disgust in replies to her thread or others they were mentioned in. Any information that goes against the cultivated narrative, even when it is literally officially licensed content, is only ever considered with a degree of reluctance. The fact these drafts co-exist with other pages concerned with this episode is almost a miracle. You can find plenty of repeat instances of the above if you want to (more to do with homophobia and misogyny than outward hostility, but honestly it’s the same thing.) A look at basically any EvaGeeks thread concerning pairings or the female characters will unearth a variety of awful comments from many other users, not that that would be surprising to anyone who has spent more than two minutes in the fandom. Now, of course, that’s very relevant to the topic at hand even if it doesn’t seem to be. The EG wiki and forum have quite a bit of overlap and circular influence on each other as you’ll see later if you aren’t already aware of it. For a short summary before we jump into things and analyse our subject of the day, this essentially means that anyone with an opinion or information the majority doesn’t like will never get in a position good enough to edit the wiki and keep the edits there. This has resulted in many articles filled with conjecture and fan speculation that serve to shut down other viewpoints, whether it’s intentional or not.

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ON THE TOPIC OF THE EVAGEEKS WIKI

The issue surrounding homophobia and downplaying of references to LGB content in Eva, through proxy of fan-dictated content control and translation is not a new one by any stretch of the imagination. I'm sure you're all very well aware. It’s far from the only issue present in the fandom but it will be our subject of conversation today. Any ‘one instance’ of this persistent behaviour from Eva fans is never going to be enough to summarise how insurmountable it really is, though, so today I instead draw your attention to one user of the wiki who goes by the name of FelipeFritschF and his recent, frequent updates to pages concerning Nagisa Kaworu.

[TOPIC: FELIPEFRITSCHF]

I must reiterate here: although this document is mostly concerned with this user and will contain a number of receipts from various places, it is NOT supposed to function as a hit piece or inspire any kind of mob. Leave this guy the hell alone, just be aware that he’s the one making most of these changes and isn’t a particularly impartial party, to put things lightly.

Now, before we really get into things, it should be stated that the EvaGeeks wiki requires approval to get your edits there, as stated at the bottom of the homepage, here:

This means that anyone making consistent edits to the wiki has in fact been approved, and this isn’t the result of lack of maintenance.

What you’ll find is that it is consistently Felipe making edits to the pages in question. Kaworu’s bio page, for example, is almost entirely edited by Felipe, which we can see from the “History” tab of the article.

This is barely half of his edits made in the last few days. Take a scroll through it yourself if you’re so inclined. This hilarious bit of waffle was added by Felipe a few days ago and since revised since by him, as shown here.

(As an added bit of comedy, the man who decided to add in the Japanese in the first place apparently didn’t know the difference between 好意 (kindness, what Kaworu actually says) and 行為 (action). It’s been fixed since but I still think it’s quite funny.) Now, as anyone with even a rudimentary knowledge of Japanese knows, 好き is not actually a very ambiguous word at all. I think it goes without saying, though, and I’m not here to have an argument about translations with you all (for the record, Kanemitsu’s now scarily infamous translation of this scene is perfectly fine with me in a vacuum, it’s just literally everything else surrounding it that’s the problem. Also, regretfully, I will have to speak about this nonsense later when it becomes relevant.) I’m using this as an example instead, to show how utterly ridiculous this guy’s additions to these pages are. He’s not even making a point here. It keeps going past this excerpt, and I suggest you read the whole thing (Kaworu’s page is linked above.) The point of bringing this up - and when I eventually discuss the Netflix translation when it’s necessary - is not to complain about semantics, although I’d argue that’s what’s happening in these articles, honestly. It’s just helpful when proving the actual point of the editor being incredibly unreliable and biased in how he phrases and omits things.

On the page dedicated solely to Shinji and Kaworu’s relationship (which is basically identical to their section on Kaworu’s page as far as I can tell), we can see that Felipe has also edited this several times, and even credits himself with expanding the version on the Evangelion Fandom Wiki now copy and pasted back to EvaGeeks.

The kind of “discussion” (very much not discussion when added to a wiki page supposedly presented as factual information, is it, frankly?) would be fine if it was happening in the EvaGeeks forum itself (and happen does it ever, but that doesn’t change the inappropriateness of this particular behaviour.) What I find disturbing is that in the past few days, this user has gone out of his way to make some already worrying articles even worse, presumably in an attempt to silence discourse, or add more fuel to the flames, surrounding the new Netflix translation. He has a whole page on that one, too, one which is very up-to-date in some regards and not at all in others, despite only being added a few days before me compiling this information. Frankly, going through this whole page on its own is a huge waste of my time considering how BLATANT it is in its biases, but I’ll do it anyway. It IS only a Theory and Analysis page (which is essentially an EvaGeeks free-for-all), but I think it’s quite bothering that the site even allows Theory and Analysis pages that consider only one viewpoint and are written by one person. The forum, presumably, is connected to the site for a reason.

I’m just going to link it here, for the sake of brevity. https://wiki.evageeks.org/Theory_and_Analysis:Kaworu%27s_lines_in_Episode_24 I suggest you read this before continuing. For a slight departure, the original theatrical Funimation dub of 3.0 is partially available for viewing online, although the audio is in cam quality so you may want headphones if you have plans to watch what’s there. The home media dub’s major changes are to issues with lore and localisation of jargon. While not directly mentioned in this article, it is implied from the subject that this is what it’s about; it’s been speculated that the very literal translation of Episode 24 in particular has come about due to Khara’s embarrassment with how Funimation’s theatrical dub of 3.0 handled Kaworu and Shinji’s relationship rather loosely. Despite these claims, every instance of the two sharing (honestly pretty awkward and unnecessary) flirtatious back-and-forths are still present in the home media version, barring an instance in the stargazing scene where Kaworu’s dialogue was translated even worse than it is in the final dub. If you don’t believe me, do the comparisons yourself. It may not be conclusive, but I think it puts mostly to death the rumour that “a Khara employee was there and saw how people laughed at the Kaworu and Shinji scenes and demanded it needed to be changed for the final release and now that’s being reflected on the new translation”, which is what it tends to boil down to.

It also goes without saying that NO ONE PERSON is “the most qualified” (holy shit, is this entry not even bothering to hide how biased it is) to translate an entire TV show, let alone something like Evangelion. Let us not forget that Kanemitsu’s claims that he respects “ambiguity” are not even true to begin with. EvaGeeks itself is a shining example of Eva fans, of which Kanemitsu is one and this is even discussed in the article, not being impartial enough to be tasked with discussing Evangelion! (There is obviously issue with citing the ADV translation as a source of all truth; if you read further into the thread on my tweet [the kitchen scene in EoE], I provide extra context for those interested, which I am aware has been spread around Discord and other places without that context included. Of course, I’m not an unbiased source either as you can probably tell from my tweets nor am I claiming to be, so please feel free to discuss these things in other places if you want. I’ve just got the tweets I have on hand here. Sorry about that.) Next, the repeat claim that this is “Khara’s licensed translation and thus the most accurate version” is pretty obviously nonsense; I’m sure I don’t need to point out to the audience that Japanese companies meddling in localisation has ended poorly in the past, or that Khara uses questionable translations from the dubs of the Rebuild films on licensed merch from time-to-time, or that the translation was fairly obviously not overseen or even QA’d by anyone following Kanemitsu’s translation work judging from the myriad of grammatical errors, missing subtitles and overly literal, poor sounding phrasing present in the final work. (Do I need to source this? Just watch the damn thing.) It’s not even like the ways it was translated have been consistent through different versions on Netflix; some were translated from Kanemitsu’s English to other languages judging from the obvious mistakes being present in multiple tracks, and some were barely even translated at all - the Italian version, the dub of which is mysteriously now missing, was so bad people were commenting that it sounded like Shakespeare or that it was translated word for word from Japanese. I dunno about you, the reader, but something about “Khara only bothered to check very rigorously the English version for their specific requests with the translation” doesn’t sound like what really happened to me. It’s more like they’ve just sent a translator they have worked with before to work on a project of theirs. Apologies for engaging in speculation, but that’s all this whole article is anyway. It’s just something I noticed from skimming through the page, but I find it quite interesting that Felipe makes a blanket statement about the excerpts from Schizo and Prano “being wrongly attributed to Anno” and then the source he provides for that is just someone on the EvaGeeks forums saying the same thing with little proper sourcing, when that was never really the intent of their post anyway. An interview summary exists where Anno has stated he wrote both books himself, and if you haven’t seen it, here it is. It’s obviously flimsy at best, but Tokyo Otaku Mode is an officially licensed Evangelion distributor. If Felipe is going to parade around his love for the Very Official Khara Subtitles Of NGE he can at least extend the same gratitude to other forms of official information; I mean, frankly, this article is about as reputable as anything in the Netflix subtitles are. Lastly, another thing I found quite interesting is his strange love for the ADV VHS subtitles. I really, really think this is obvious, but subtitles changed in later versions of the ADV release were changed because they were deemed incorrect. I don’t have sources for this so take it with an absolute grain of salt but I believe there’s even a commentary track on the Platinum release where the translator talks in depth about why she translated episode 24 as she did. It’s not exactly a better word than Kanemitsu’s, but if we’re considering translator’s word as law for whatever reason like Felipe is here, we might as well consider hers, too, right? Oh, and actually, have a look at the sources used on that article. Most of the sweeping statements he makes have absolutely no backing beyond what he’s piecing together from old and irrelevant interviews (when discussing the Netflix translation) as well as...linking Kanemitsu’s job history...I mean, sure, the guy is qualified, but do I really need to go over this again?

INTERMISSION: Speaking of sources, you might have noticed from perusing these articles yourself that EvaGeeks has a very low standard for sourcing to begin with, which is likely partially to blame for how things like these articles can even exist in their current forms in the first place. A site that doesn’t have such a lenient policy on sourcing, though, is Wikipedia. Felipe, of course, cannot stay within the confines of the fandom and has decided to have a go at providing some information to Kaworu’s actual Wikipedia page as well.

https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Kaworu_Nagisa&action=history Felipe is far less to blame for the state of Kaworu’s Wikipedia article, which is honestly pretty bad to begin with. There have been plenty of other people editing this one and the rather homophobic “Relationship with Shinji” part of the article has been present for a while before he started editing it. (The fact this article literally uses someone being explicitly homophobic as a source is not surprising for Eva fandom, but holy shit, am I disgusted every time I reopen this page. I'm not even going to bother figuring out who added that one.) I do wonder if his reasons for not desecrating this page the same way he has on EvaGeeks is because he knows it wouldn’t stay up for particularly long. Reminder that he is also the main editor of the same pages on the Evangelion Fandom Wiki, which is essentially a copy and paste of EvaGeeks. Of note is this little tidbit I found:

This is what Felipe then deleted, as this is apparently not relevant, despite literally being about Kaworu’s relationship with Shinji. I mean, I’m sure this could have been put in somewhere else and perhaps phrased a bit better, but why the hell would you outright delete that kind of information? It’s supposed to be a wiki, not your own personal opinion chamber. BTW, this is the thread post he links as a rebuttal to that person adding it, and it’s probably for the best it’s presented here with context: https://forum.evageeks.org/post/886380/NGE-Ep24-Script-First-and-Second-Drafts/#886380

He clearly thinks he has a point here, but I’m not sure what exactly he’s going for. Basically everything he’s saying is conjecture, and while I can kinda see where he’s coming from it sure does completely fail to address the intent as explained in this interview. “Read the whole interview” is very dismissive, especially when the interview in full doesn’t exactly contradict the initial point. It does say quite a bit, how he will disregard official information when his wiki articles themselves are full of nothing but rambling.

Here’s another relevant and quite funny Discord screenshot:

Felipe is making a pretty hypocritical statement here. I’m sure he does have a point - there’s probably been quite a bit of vandalism happening to these pages which isn’t exactly surprising (again, Eva fans are not often rational people, please be honest with ourselves). That being said, I think there’s a particular irony to the man who has written many very, very long paragraphs on the wiki pages he has control over trying to stop people from thinking there might be anything but “ambiguity” between a pair he doesn’t like.

In the case anyone reading has forgotten: the purpose of a wiki should be to provide unbiased information on the material it discusses. Obviously the repeating of “innocuous” statements about how “ambiguous” it all is, in the vain of EG’s now made fun of ‘we don’t know what he really meant by that’ and ‘why Kaworu is so intent for Shinji alone to have happiness remains a mystery’ are pretty obviously intended to downplay the very, very obvious “subtext” and leagues of official information provided.

It kinda goes without saying that WE CAN INFER THESE THINGS FROM THE ACTUAL INFORMATION ON THE WIKI, you don’t need to add a disclaimer to everything going “well we just don’t know what it means!” (even in instances when we do know what it means, but that’s almost besides the point). You don’t need to add in these statements, unless you’re trying to sway people into ignoring what's presented by the show. If you want people to draw their own conclusions, you are in fact capable of presenting information without commentary - in fact, that's kind of the whole point of a wiki. Yes, Eva is ambiguous at times, but talking down to people like they need this reminded to them constantly is an absolute waste of time and energy. It’s almost as if the editor has been trying to cultivate a narrative and has been getting away with it because you can’t really prove these statements are biased unless you do the research. (I mean, you can from context, but it certainly hasn’t done much to get them removed, has it?)

You can view the editing history of any given EvaGeeks article on their own pages if you want to see just how many times these things have been added in by Felipe. And obviously, no, it isn’t just his fault - there are other users, several, in fact, credited with the editing of these pages, many of the edits serving the same point as Felipe’s paragraphs on “ambiguity”. He’s just the most concrete example of a biased editor. Also, yes, I do recognise this has all happened within the few days post the release of Eva on Netflix and that it was likely prompted by that. But we know at least one of the mods is aware of it given how Felipe talks about it in the EvaGeeks Discord server. It’s also quite funny I’ve seen people linking these pages like they're some kind of "gotcha" in response to tweets discussing the new translation, as if they haven’t been invented out of thin air in the past few days.

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Now, frankly I’m sick of staring at EvaGeeks, and if you want any more information on these articles and others with instances of the same thing happening, you can have a look at it yourself.

Originally, this document contained far more screenshots from Felipe. My desire for this to not turn into a hit piece has lead me to remove a great deal of these messages. I do suggest, if you want to, you join the server and make your own conclusions. Even beyond what the member told me about I found myself agreeing with him fairly frequently when he was being reasonable - this doesn't change my concerns regarding the presentation of information on the wiki, though. The anonymous member was mostly concerned about this user having basically all the control over Kaworu's wiki articles, seeing as he has far too high of a stake in everything. Not all of these messages are inflammatory or even necessarily bad or wrong, but I find that to anyone privy to the “revelations” about the EvaGeeks Wiki here, they paint an interesting story, to say the least.

It’s starting to sound like he perhaps has just had some bad experiences. The following few messages are part of the same conversation.

I find it interesting how he flipflops from not understanding anything about the whole Eva Parallelism Theory Thing to suddenly being all for it when it concerns things not about the gay stuff.

Comments on how ‘manipulative’ Kaworu is

Because Kaworu is very pro instrumentality, and this definitely isn’t just a theory, I mean, it’s even talked about on the wiki, guys! (And I’m not even touching on the yes-men in this server.) Oh.

Oh no.

For the record, this page is clearly still under construction, and to point out any one thing about how bad it is would be essentially just poking a stick at a beehive. At least this one is so absolutely poorly phrased it’s doubtful anyone could mistake it for any kind of proper information. I also find it incredibly funny whenever pages on the wiki use the forum as a source. Relevant: Qmisato’s post on his defending of Shinji sexually assaulting Asuka: https://qmisato.tumblr.com/post/183082754484/yesterday-i-was-invited-to-evageeks-official

In response much later. I really can’t see it as being framed as “fun teenage romance”, also why is the word romance suddenly being used to talk about Asuka and Shinji after the whole debacle with Kaworu? He’s said before he doesn’t see Asuka and Shinji’s relationship as romantic, either (and GOOD! It’s not!)

(Also - it’s not sexual assault when Shinji tries to kiss Asuka in her sleep, but it IS when Kaworu does the exact same thing to Shinji? Make up your mind, dude.) Turning this sort of thing into Shipping Discourse is frankly not the right way to go about it, but it is perhaps notable that despite what Felipe says, he is in fact an Asushin shipper. (I don’t feel the need to post all these images in the document as its cluttered enough as it is.) At this point it’s rather adhom and I feel irrelevant but I do think it’s relevant that through all of Eva fandom, those who have the most issue “understanding” (more like accepting, I suppose) LGB subtext, are those who also are really attached to a fairly morally grey het pairing themselves. Again, seriously, there’s nothing inherently wrong with any of this and assuming the worst of someone because of the pairings they like isn’t my intent here, it’s more that I find this pattern has always been prevalent and it’s bothering me I’m seeing it STILL in 2019. ESPECIALLY from a wiki editor who inserts so much of that into his work on the site.

You’re probably sick of reading all of this (and I’m getting sick of writing it), so I’ll wrap up the part on Felipe quickly: Yes, I just dedicated several pages to screenshots of mostly innocuous (when considered out of context) stuff one guy had to say. I feel more obsessive than I’d like to admit, and frankly I have no business with this person. We’ve spoken twice on EvaGeeks threads if you can even call it speaking. This task was given to me by a member of the community who was concerned about his behaviour but didn’t want to publicise it themself and I feel a little out of my depth here. I at least hope we can come to the conclusion I wanted to here, that I fear may have been lost in this whole great mess of language - no one person should have THIS much sway over the state of a wiki that’s supposed to be impartial, especially when they have not been quiet with their biases in the first place, and it is the failure of everyone involved in the maintaining of the wiki itself that this sort of behaviour has been allowed in the first place.

The guy can have whatever opinions and theories he wants, obviously. I don't give a shit; he's not even that bad compared to the grand majority of Eva fans to begin with. Don't think this document exists to "cancel" him or thoughtpolice, I truly, genuinely, do not care what is said inside this server anymore. It doesn't concern me. I mean, it's a fucking cartoon, for god's sake. This only becomes an issue when opinions are expressed on a wiki, for reasons I have reiterated many times now. EvaGeeks lacks the objectivity required to function as a wiki and I'm trying to make that clear.

[ON THE TOPIC OF THE EVAGEEKS WIKI AND COMMUNITY IN GENERAL] As for who can edit the wiki and what they’re allowed to say: As you can see from the nature of people’s posts in this thread, you’re given access to do very specific things, and although I haven’t bothered going through the process myself (as I find it would be quite redundant, trying to fix such an inherently broken system), I’m guessing it’s very easy to get your edits reversed if you post anything they don’t like. Take that as conjecture of my own.

I have it in decent faith that the approval process involves whoever of the mod team is there at the time coming to an agreement based on people’s applications. Obviously this is a decent idea for a system, and I’m sure there are legitimate reasons as to why EG has to be locked down as much as it is; judging from the state of other fanon wikis I’ve seen there’s likely to be a decent amount of vandalism, especially in a fandom as passionate as Eva’s is. However, I think it’s fair to say that the complete restriction of updating these pages to those approved by a mod team who, while I’m sure are very reasonable people overall, certain individuals of which have displayed concerning behaviour and biases of their own in the server during my brief look around. I won’t be naming anyone in particular from the mod team as I don’t feel like I need to add any more targets of shame to this already horrifically negative document, but I have gotten the general impression (in case it needed confirmation, following the remaining of these specific changes on the wiki) that some mods, not all, aren’t the most nonpartisan individuals themselves. I do happen to be decent acquaintances with at least one of them so, again, please don’t consider this a personal attack.

My concern here plainly is that I don’t think a group of mods who have routinely failed to prevent events like the ones mentioned earlier, nor seem to have much of an issue with the myriad of examples of people being openly homophobic and misogynistic on their own forum are really in the position to be choosing who of the Privelleged Few get to control the Eva meta-narrative here. As I was writing this, I was alerted to the state of the primary Japanese Evangelion wiki as a source of cross referencing for what these things can look like if done right. If you take a moment to browse it, even if you don’t speak any Japanese and have to use an automatic translator it should be very obvious how something like this differs greatly from EvaGeeks. Kaworu’s page, for a relevant example, doesn’t have present any of the nonsense statements about ambiguity or overwritten descriptions of everything. The wiki respects the reader’s intelligence enough to know that it is, in fact, a wiki, and thus tries its best to be factual. His page is fairly decent in size and states things we know are fact rather than theory. There’s no attempt made to influence or confuse.

Oh, and just in case you think the mods aren’t actually active or present enough to know what Felipe is doing, his particularly awful page on Kaworu in episode 24 got a shoutout from the official Twitter account two days ago.

If you are going to join the Discord server to verify things yourself* or do further digging, again, please be cautious of other users inside and do your best not to start anything. I am an occasional contributor to the forums and I’d prefer not to get my account flagged or to experience harassment myself, if any EvaGeeks members are still reading this document and disagree with my conclusions. I may not have posted much since I joined earlier this year, but despite everything I find the forums to be valuable for connecting with other fans and have enjoyed the positive feedback to my SIRP translation! Those who have spoken to me there have been very kind (including Felipe himself), and I must reiterate that this is not targeted at the whole site, or even at just Felipe. I simply believe there is more than enough evidence to suggest there have been consistent, systematic failures to recognise and correct the utter lack of objectivity present. I seriously don’t have any personal issues or beef with this guy, either. I wouldn’t have done this if it wasn’t someone else who came to me about it.

*It should be noted that the person who spoke to me has pointed out certain members have been concerned about outsiders joining and screenshotting the chat. They may remove the public link to join if this document were to cause a huge issue. I will leave the server following the publication of this document and I have no plans to join again. I can’t speak for those who may join of their own accord but I do hope people have heeded the disclaimer I made initially.

Thankyou to all the people who have extended their own kindness and support during the creation of this document, to the anonymous person who tipped me off and the lovely Eva analysts I know for offering their own experiences with EvaGeeks and further supplementary information. If this whole document reads like the product of a bad mental health day, I guess it is. Also yes I know how hilarious it is that I’ve spent all this time creating what essentially amounts to an EVAGEEKS CALLOUT POST but I mean. Someone had to say it. Why not make an utter buffoon of myself in the process?

#Mirroring this for the sake of people concerned with their privacy when accessing google docs #reading this back theres a lot of bad wording but whatever. itll do

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rejectclone · 5 years ago

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[R] development dump

I just realized I never really said in detail [R]’s development stages on here, so here’s like a info dump of everything I came up with on my oc server + some extras I haven’t said yet!

‘Newborn’ [R]:

* Stage lasted through the moment he first gained consciousness after being removed from his vat, until his first ‘birthday’.

* Had ghastly pale skin, for the first few days of his existence it was almost translucent and was extremely frail.

* Vocal cords are deformed due to neck mouth, couldn’t speak properly for the first few months, only groans and whines.

* Has the physical age of 20~, the mental age of 1-3.

* Poor motor control over all of his limbs, could only use his ‘normal’ set of arms (the ones naturally placed to his shoulders) to grab items or to interact with Lawrence.

* Struggled to retain information, any information taught to him easily left his memory.

* Couldn’t handle common pathogens, so he wasn’t really given anything to do (blocks, books, etc) for fear of exposure. Lawrence didn’t want to risk exposing [R] to anything, hence spending time with him in the hazmat suit, thus having [R] view Lawrence’s appearance as ‘normal’.

* Struggled to chew anything, so was forced to eat nutrient paste in tubes, and only drank water, but had to be assisted.

* Spent time nude for the first week or so, was later finally clothed with caution, as they worried for his skin rubbing and breaking against fabric. Needs assistance in getting clothed, dislikes putting on pants due to how complicated it is due to his messed up lower torso.

* Had to be gently bathed, as water was somewhat painful for him, even at lukewarm temperatures.

* Struggled to walk or even maintain standing up, spent most of his time sitting or lying down, and crawled to move around. [R] typically didn’t move far until stopping due to fatigue or panic.

* Cries a ton for unknown reasons, but it is a common ‘issue’ with all of the other freshly made clones. Lawrence can only assume it’s [R]’s mind getting overwhelmed with the concept of existing, and originally having the mental capacity to only handle having a ‘normal’ amount of body parts, while ironically having a body with a surplus of parts.

* Only has very basic and rudimentary emotions, such as joy, fear, and sadness. Hasn’t experienced any developed or intense emotions yet.

* Mid and lower sets of arms tend to be wrapped around [R]’s waist, as if he’s holding himself in the same position he had while germinating in the vat.

* Doesn’t know any colors except for white, yellow, blue, the same colors of the secured room he’s in, Lawrence’s hazmat suit, and his yellow shirt.

‘Young’ [R]

* Stage lasted through after his 1st ‘birthday’, the transport incident, until his 3rd ‘birthday’ while at the station.

* Skin tone has finally developed more, is still incredibly pale but not as translucent-like anymore. Is incredibly fragile to natural light or harsh light, getting burned is incredibly painful and numbing for [R].

* [R] can finally speak, but is terribly poor at it. Has developed a heavy stutter and slur, can barely finish a sentence without completely butchering it. Knows a decent amount of vocabulary and terminologies, but is still incredibly naive of ‘outside speaking’. Can be seen as having a elementary student’s depth of writing.

* Physical age is still 20~, but mental age is now 7-12, a large increase from his former stage. Later on after spending three years at the station, his mental age became 15-17, after being exposed to more.... mature topics and ‘outside’ culture.....

* Finally developed better motor control over his limbs. Second set of arms (underneath the ‘normal’ ones attached at the shoulders) is now just as dexterous as the first set. Third and fourth sets are still quite weak in comparison, both in terms of nerve responses and physical strength.

* Now retains information much more easily, but can get overwhelmed with too much info or experiences at once. [R] is more of a visual learner though, and enjoys reading books. Doesn’t mind being told stories and explanations by B055 though.

* Still somewhat frail to common pathogens. Wears the experimental high-end hazmat suit given to him by Lawrence that helped him greatly in terms of keeping him healthy and having a disguise to look ‘more normal’. Can handle being fully exposed to natural air for a few hours, but then must retreat to either his suit or constant sterilized room. His chances of getting sick are still high, and can be easily fatal.

* Finally learned how to chew on his own, but has a very strict diet of nutrient paste cubes. Due to his bizarre anatomy and size, his daily intake of vital nutrients is MUCH higher when compared to a normal human. The cubes help make him reach the (guesstimated) amount he needs, and avoids spending much on food. If [R] ate the amount he needed with ‘normal people food’, it would engorge him every day. Suffers from hunger pangs daily, due to eating so little physical matter thanks to the cubes, so he takes any chance to eat free food from the station’s office or if gifted food by Devon, Ren, B055, etc.

* Can clothe himself on his own, still struggles with putting on pants, as his legs are still quite splayed.

* Can bathe on his own, but still feels slight pain against his skin when showering. Favors bathing in the tub when he could fit. Is slightly hydrophobic due to heavy rain slamming against his suit during the transfer incident, thus imprinting the physical feeling and loud sound to his memory, thus having a negative reaction to water in genral.

* Walks somewhat normal, as [R] forces his legs to stay facing straight and not splaying to the sides (akin to a spider) when moving. Tends to knock things over by accident and also occasionally stumbles on himself, but hasn’t fallen over much at all.

* Doesn’t cry much anymore, and if [R] does, it’s out of confusion or shame. Tends to tear up while sleeping, it is unknown if [R] suffers from nightmares as he claims he cannot remember anything at all while dreaming.

* Finally started to experience and develop more deeper emotions such as anger, rage, paranoia, mania, regret, love, embarrassment, etc. Still tends to have a happy-go-lucky demeanor, thankfully.

* [R] soon realized that he’s developed a oddly sharp sense of sight, but only when all of his ‘additional’ eyes have been closed, leaving his ‘normally placed’ set open. He cannot fully explain what he sees, only claiming that things look more ‘detailed’ than usual, and he feels slightly lightheaded after each attempt.

* Cannot handle flashing lights or colors, [R] unfortunately learned this the hard way while being escorted by Devon through Times Square, where he had a faint memory of being there during the incident and felt the urge to be there again.

* Has developed a sense of creativity, as where before he froze up when presented with simple commands to ‘draw anything’. Typically only draws with crayon or coloring pencil, other mediums seem to be too hard for him to handle the complexity of.

‘Adolescent’ [R]

* Stage lasted only less than a year after turning ‘3’, the fastest stage of development [R] endured, but is certainly the most impactful.

* Physical age is now mid 20~, mental age is 18-20. Is more in tune with his emotions and actions, and thinks much more rationally than before.

* At first, Lydia just assumed that [R]’s physical growth was stunted. It seemed like that was the case, as he didn’t change much over the last 3~ years of his existence, and after reviewing the most she could off of his technically destroyed records, she told [R] that he should be reaching his peak soon. She was sorely mistaken.

* The first instance of [R]’s ‘puberty’ was the sudden increase in back pain. Soon, he started to talk about how strained he felt, along with suddenly feeling more heavy.

* About a month in, [R]’s health state started to dwindle more, he soon couldn’t fit into his suit anymore, as he’s grown two inches and the suit’s helmet doesn’t lock in place anymore. This soon marked the date where [R] couldn’t spend more time outside anymore.....

* Immediately becomes overwhelmed with migraines and other head pains, and no amount of pills or paste could help him. Became bedridden within a week after not fitting well into his suit anymore.

* First real change was height, as it seemed to be the initial cause of his sudden illness, Lydia documented his progression. Almost three inches or more every month.

* [R]’s body became more wide, as his muscle mass started to increase exponentially. He always had a frail yet lean physique, due to not having to exercise thanks to his diet and body nature. The growth was progressive, starting at his core, then upper torso, then finally making it’s way down his torso.

* After just six months, [R]’s body type shifted from being somewhat ectomorphic to extremely mesomorphic. [R] couldn’t move his limbs much, due to the increased mass and weight, and regressed almost to his ‘newborn’ phase in terms of motor control.

* [R]’s legs weren’t spared either, and if he could try walking again, it would be much, much more harder to keep his legs facing straight now.

* Now with a broader neck, his neck mouth has slightly warped to be much larger and wider, much to his dismay. It seems to be much more..... emotive.... as if it’s showing off his true repressed emotions, even if it’s not coordinating with the emotion he’s portraying on his face.

* Bone mass also grew alongside muscle mass, and [R] poorly readjusted to it, as it only added more weight to his body, and he mentally wasn’t used to it yet at all.

* Suffered from much more intense hunger pangs, even resorted to developing pica, much to Lydia’s horror. (Was caught eating his own clothes and the bed frame, and couldn’t properly explain WHY he did it) Caved in to letting him eat things out of his diet, but inadvertently making him crave much more physical food to consume. This, being a byproduct of his body using up so much energy and fuel to develop his physique more.

* Mental health soon drained afterwards, as days upon weeks upon months passed, with [R] being trapped within his dreadfully small room, with only visits from Lydia and B055, monitoring his development, giving hollow words of concern to calm him down. Just as he finally began to think more rationally, he quickly devolved back into thinking shattered thoughts and couldn’t focus properly anymore. Nightmares soon became more clear in his dreams, often of Lawrence and what [R] fears what he might become.

* Speech regressed, as his voice deepened suddenly, making him sound much more..... inhuman. Couldn’t come to terms with his deeper pitch and tone, and began to slur words along with talking over himself, breaking sentences while trying to relay his frantic thoughts to Lydia to record.

* Originally diagnosed with hyperdontia, his excess sets of teeth were removed during his ‘newborn’ phase to help him eat. It has come back to haunt him, as the source of the pounding migraines came from growing rows of teeth from where they used to be. This time, only larger and wider, for every single mouth. He bled for weeks.

* Lydia contemplated just..... putting him down. Seeing [R] in this torturous state was not only painful to watch, but deeply traumatic for her and B055 to see essentially their ‘son’ endure the overwhelming pain. Quite ironic, as she viewed him as a problem to hide, and never viewed him in high regard.

* Had a episode where he couldn’t take the room anymore and violently threw himself off of his bed, and tried to exit the room. Lydia wasn’t there that day, and B055 was in his office space. He soon realized [R] was moving, upon hearing his distorted moans, while the floorboards shuddered underneath every footstep he took. [R] eventually collapsed after just walking a mere foot from the bedroom’s doorframe. B055 could hear the moment he fell, and the hysteric laughing and cries that companied it.

* [R] eventually was put into a induced coma, against B055’s wishes. They now can only hope his body can stop going through this ungodly stage of puberty, caused in part of his forced growth development, the very thing that made him technically a adult upon his ‘birth’.

‘Matured’ [R]

* Physical age is still mid 20~, mental age has finally caught up, peaking at mid 20~.

* Unfortunately as a loss from his ‘adolescent’ stage, [R] has developed some..... issues that weren’t present before. Finally started to think rationally again, and acts much more mature than any of his phases. Tends to get overwhelmed during instances where ‘bad memories’ are brought up. Anger seems to be a more dominant emotion, but seems to stem from confusion or shock, than genuine rage. Isn’t as happy-go-lucky as before, but still REALLY tries to retain a positive daily outlook.

* Had to come with terms with his larger frame, and started to stagger a bit after starting to walk again. [R] can no longer keep all of his legs pointing forward, as he can throw off his sense of balance. Must walk like a spider now, something he loathes.

* Upper two sets of arms are now quite large and developed, but unfortunately his hands are too large for ‘normal things’. Not to mention that he also tends to accidentally crush anything he can hold in his grip.

* Lower two sets of arms aren’t as enlarged, almost retaining their previous appearance. Lowest set seems to be the most stunted, as they’re just the size of his ‘young’ stage, and seem more proportional to a normal human being. He can at least grab items easily with them, and doesn’t need to bend over much as they’re already quite low, nearing his waistline.

* Now experiences sexual urges, as before it was just having crushes. Due to his isolated nature (before accidentally meeting Cyrus) he was beyond frustrated and confused. Is mainly just touch starved though.

* Has gotten used to his deeper voice, but still stutters from time to time, a persistent issue still plaguing him.

* Still retains a majority of development from his ‘young’ stage, such as self-care, creativity, social understanding, etc, but is much more shy and concerned about his appearance now.

* Is back on his montoried diet, and has gotten to terms with the constant hunger pangs, but still occasionally gets away with ordering outside food, B055 just turns the other cheek.

#I’m pretty sure I’m missing stuff but I’ll edit this as I go on #[redacted]#my ocs #vinyl scratching

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the-wolfs-raven · 5 years ago

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the basics.

Name: Tarvasha Winterscale aka Tara Haalos Nickname(s): Tara, Vasha, Tarva, Mom, Mama Age: 29 Race: Half-Elf Gender: Female Sexuality: Pansexual Marital Status: Single, divorced Server: WrA primarily

physical appearance.

Piercings: None. Tara’s body is pretty scarred and her ears are very sensitive, so it’s never been something she’s really thought of. Hair: Burgundy waves with a violet sheen (natural, current illusion), white (current natural state (life-drained via magic use)) Eyes: Violet-Blue Height: 6′0″ Build: Lithe, skinny

Distinguishing Marks: Violet crescent moon on her palm (Mark of Winterscale), various scars from her time as a slave, hysterectomy scar, Horde symbol cut into her back.

Common Accessories: Wears flowers in her hair/on her person on occasion. A red braided necklace made from cloth taken from her daughter’s father. Carries a large dark violet satchel with seemingly endless holding space.

personal.

Profession(s): Trader, brothel madam, entertainer, merchant, a jack of all trades, really. Hobbies: When Tara gets some time to herself, which is quite rare these days, she can often be found reading, cooking, fishing, or simply laying amongst a field of flowers. She does enjoy a bit of painting from time to time as well. Tarvasha is also a natural linguist and will spend a good deal of her time conversing with people of various different languages. Languages: Fluent - Darnassian (Quel’dorei and Modern dialects), Common, Orcish, Goblin, Zandali, Thalassian, Pandaren. General speech - Ravenspeech, Draconic, Dwarven, Gnomish, Taur-ahe, Draenei. Simple words - Nerglish, Ursine, Tuskarr. Read Only - Titan, Eredu, Qiraji Residence: Pandaren Heartland Birthplace: Felwood (Formally the Tranquil Glades) Religion: Loosely follows the lessons of the Wild Gods Patron Deity: If she were to choose one? Aviana Fears: Enslavement, imprisonment, etc. Cages, collars. Minor fear of demons that is lessening over time. Abandonment, estrangement, isolation.

relationships.

Spouse: Divorced (formerly Jake Fletcher and Theodore Gorister) Children: Taria Fletcher, Morwen Blackfeather Parents: Shalandrala Winterscale (corrupted Highborne), unnamed human mage Siblings: Mythsaerin Winterscale (half-brother) Other Relatives: Nyxaria Soulthorn (Sisters by Bond), Nylveaeleas Sagefang (Godmother)

traits.

Extroverted / In Between / Introverted Disorganized / In Between / Organized Close Minded / In Between / Open Minded Calm / In Between / Anxious Disagreeable / In Between / Agreeable Cautious / In Between / Reckless Patient / In Between / Impatient Outspoken / In Between / Reserved Leader / In Between / Follower Empathetic / In Between / Apathetic Optimistic / In Between / Pessimistic Traditional / In Between / Modern Hard-working / In Between / Lazy Cultured / In Between / Uncultured Loyal / In Between / Disloyal Faithful / In Between / Unfaithful

additional information.

Smoking Habit: Smokes frequently. Tobacco cigarettes, hookah. Drug Habit: Stimulants to keep her awake over days at a time, opium to bring herself back down, potent hallucinogen called Lover’s Kiss to ease her into sleep, a myriad of other occasional narcotics and depressants. Alcohol: Moderate alcoholic

rp hooks.

Sisters in Sin: Tarvasha worked for the Sisters in Sin brothel as a dancer, bartender, and, eventually, a full Sister.

Blue Wolf Imports: She owns Blue Wolf Imports in the Mage District in Stormwind, a sort of curiosity shop with a hookah lounge aesthetic.

Gilded Cage: Tara is the acting Madam of the Gilded Cage brothel in northern Elwynn. Though she has less time for logistics, she does still perform her duties and entertain on occasion.

Former Slave: If you spent any time amongst the orcs (and were privy to their slave dealings) from the beginning of their settlement in Kalimdor ‘til about a year prior to the assault on Northrend, it is possible for you to have noticed her in passing or paid to use her depending on your involvement with the orcs.

Trader/Merchant: For the majority of the last six years, she has used the names Tara Haalos and Vasha in her trade dealings. There are few people who have not at least heard of Trader Haalos, and she has contacts and routes all across Azeroth and beyond. Most are perfectly legal, but she does have a fair amount of illicit endeavors as well.

Minor Witness: Tarvasha was present at the trial of Garrosh Hellscream as a character witness who had been abducted and tortured by a Quartermaster (and her former slaver) who had been appointed to that position under Hellscream’s reign. The widespread knowledge of Quartermaster Oog’tar’s dishonorable activities is what sparked them to call her to the stand. She made a small statement about the orc and was dismissed shortly afterwards.

Blacktalon Agent: When her daughter was mortally wounded in Pandaria, Tarvasha entered into an agreement with Wrathion to provide covert and informative services for him in exchange for saving her child’s life. Tara is still an active agent, though she doesn’t see work very often.

Heartland Home: Tarvasha lives in the Heartland of the Valley of the Four Winds in Pandaria. She has been a common sight in Halfhill for the last three years as well, having bought land to cultivate a particular flower that she makes into sweets every spring. It was also a central hub of trade for her when she first began making contacts in the mist-shrouded land.

other information.

There are many adult themes surrounding Tara. I am more comfortable RPing with people 18 and older.

Tarvasha is a neutral character and has documentation allowing her to trade and sell her wares in Horde cities. However, that doesn’t mean she’d be particularly welcome, as her human blood is obvious.

Tara is on a lot of drugs. A LOT. Most of them are uppers so she can keep up with all of her work, but its always possible she’ll just up and pass out on someone. She’s also got a fair tolerance for many different types of drugs and toxins.

The woman hardly sleeps. Because of this, she wears a lot of concealing makeup to hide the ugly dark circles under her eyes.

Tarvasha is prone to up and disappearing for days, weeks, or even months at a time while tending to business. She tries to stay in touch with friends and family, but is always grateful when they’re understanding of her frequent disappearing acts.

She is a lore-bendy character. However, I am more than willing to simply disclude those things as they are not essential to her character and most are things that would not be brought up/discussed anyway.

I try to be very chill, but I’m still human and I can still get overwhelmed or upset by things. Don’t be afraid to talk things out with me, because I’d rather we both be happy with the RP than having things be one-sided or forced.

I do also have two children and a job, so my availability can be sparse. I seem to have an easier time RPing over Tumblr than Discord, but, overall, I prefer in-game RP.

I don’t read for fun outside of RPing. I also don’t write outside of RPing or building my characters’ stories, so talking about events and plotlines OOCly is extremely beneficial to me. I take a lot of care not to be a metagamer, and I have a hard time making split-second reactions, so having a chance to think about how she would realistically react allows me to put out a better, more character-centric story.

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comp6841 · 6 years ago

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Cryptocurrencies (3/3)

What sort of security issues do we have?

Due to the distributed nature of cryptocurrencies, we have to consider the security in a number of different areas and from a couple of different angles. In terms of looking at historical flaws and their relative impacts, I would classify them under 3 main categories:

Blockchain itself - vulnerabilities relating specifically to the implementation of the blockchain (so in the nodes, mining, etc)

51% attacks (i.e. ETC 2019)

DDoS

Doublespend (i.e. The Finney attack)

Exchanges and wallets

Phishing

Bad hashes (i.e. IOTA)

Software bugs in cryptocurrency wallets

Software bugs in cryptocurrency exchanges

Client malware (i.e. changing address in clipboard)

Smart contracts - complexity of smart contract languages leading to bugs or poorly designed contracts (i.e. TheDAO)

As per the seminar, I will summarise a specific example of each of these categories.

Blockchain - 51% Attack

How does it work?

If you read my (1/3) article on cryptocurrencies, you will understand the process of mining in PoW and how multiple chains can form. Essentially, what we have happening in this attack is we have a miner (corrupted) with a large portion of the hash power deciding not to broadcast the block to the network when he as found a valid hash for the block. He will then continue to mine on his own chain in stealth; the original chain will continue to be built by other miners.

The corrupted miner will then spend all the bitcoin that he owns on the public chain, however he will choose NOT to do the same on his own secret chain. He will then continue to mine blocks on his own chain; however since he has majority hash power he will be producing blocks at a greater rate than the main chain. After a while he will choose to broadcast his chain to the rest of the Bitcoin network - the democratic governance process of the network enforces that the ‘longest chain’ is the correct one and the protocol will force the nodes to switch to the corrupted miner’s chain. This miner is then able to spend his bitcoins (that he spent earlier) all over again - this is why it is also referred to as a double-spend attack.

What security mechanisms are in place against it?

The main thing defending against a 51% attack is the sheer amount of resources required to perform it - on larger networks such as Bitcoin you need approximately $12.5 billion dollars worth of hardware which will cost you $8.6 million dollars per day to run in order to perform this attack. (from this site) This makes the risk associated with the costs in electricity, hardware and government prosecution not worth the reward of the attack.

Exchanges - Mt Gox

What happened in the first hack in 2011?

The computer of Mt Gox’s auditor was compromised which they then used to access the exchange and artificially modify the traded value of bitcoin down to 1 cent (i.e. by selling all the bitcoin from all the accounts). They could then buy a heap of these bitcoins at this low price (around 2000 BTC they got), and could transfer them from the exchange. As a result of the hack, Mt Gox resorted to utilising cold storage for the majority of their bitcoin - this means you cannot access a large proportion of the funds through the web server or any other computer.

The method in which this account was compromised is still somewhat debated - however it is suspected that the auditor account was compromised through an SQL injection on the Mt. Gox website which allowed the attacker to gain read-only access to the user database. The passwords were hashed with MD5 (retrospectively, we know is definitely poor) and accounts which hadn’t logged in prior to the chance in ownership of the exchange (by Tibanne Co. Ltd in March 2011) had unsalted password hashes used. You can read the Mt. Gox press release at the time on BitcoinTalk here.

How did the big second hack in 2014 occur?

In a short period of time in 2013, Mt Gox had become the largest bitcoin exchange in the world and was struggling to cope with the expansion. They had expended significant resources towards dealing with the lawsuits from former business partners (Coinlab) and investigations by the US Department of Homeland Security. We now also know from employee accounts that the security procedures were poor, the website source code was poor quality and a number of other operational issues existed.

This all led to the events which unfolded in February 2014, as follows (according to CoinTelegraph article):

7th - withdrawals frozen due to an “apparent bug” in the Bitcoin network relating to modification of transactions

17th - press release regarding a solution they had found to solve this “bug” which would be applied shortly

23rd - the CEO of Mt. Gox, Mark Karpeles, resigned from the Bitcoin Foundation and disappeared from Twitter

24th - trading was suspended and an internal document leaked claiming they were insolvent; missing 744,408 bitcoins (it was a crisis strategy draft)

28th - Mt. Gox filed for bankruptcy protection in Tokyo and in the US on March 9th

They haven’t been particularly transparent regarding the cause of the second hack, however some information has been pieced together. It is believed that Mt. Gox’s hot wallet private keys were stolen from a wallet.dat file near the end of 2011. Throughout 2012 and 2013, the hacker emptied the wallets associated with the private keys, however Mt. Gox’s systems interpreted this is deposits for some reason. Towards the end of 2013, the hacker had stolen over 600,000 BTC; a large proportion of this ended up on BTC-E. This exchange was essentially responsible for laundering half the funds associated from the hack; it was taken down in 2017 by the US Justice Department.

Smart Contracts

What is a smart contract?

A contract is an agreement between two parties which will be binding in some point in the future. The difference in the case of smart contracts with blockchain is that it makes the execution of the contract trustless - we don’t need a third party. Some restrictions are imposed when we make them decentralised; they need to be unable to access data outside the program (to prevent malicious activity) and they need to be deterministic (so nodes in the network can still verify blocks).

Why are these contracts so prone to errors?

The majority of smart contracts we know today are built upon the Ethereum blockchain; it uses a Turing-complete smart contract language known as Solidity. This differs from traditional contracts in the sense you are to solve any reasonable computational problem. It also comes at the cost of increasing complexity; there is an increasing number of ways the flow of the contract can occur and thus they are very difficult to get right. We already know that writing ‘secure’ code is hard, but when you have money directly on the line it becomes even more important.

What was the DAO?

The DAO (Decentralised Autonomous Organisation) was an organisation built on top of Ethereum which ran completely through smart contracts on the platforms. In the token offering, users were able to send ETH to a particular address and receive DAO tokens in return. Anyone was able to make a pitch to the community, and people could vote with their DAO tokens whether to make an investment. If a project was successful as a result of the DAO, it would then return profits to the investors.

How was the smart contract code in the DAO exploited?

One of the developers announced on the 12th of June that they had discovered a recursive bug call in the DAO contract, however emphasised that no funds were at risk. An attacker managed to find a way on the 18th of June to abuse this recursive bug call to continuously send funds to a child DAO under their control. The process was as follows (source):

(1) Propose a split and wait for the voting period to expire

(2) Call splitDAO()

(3) Let createTokenProxy() send your new DAO its share of tokens

(4) Ensure the DAO calls withdrawRewardFor() before updating your balance and after doing (3)

(5) Call splitDAO() again with the same parameters while (4) is occurring

(6) DAO will repeat steps (3) and (4) to give you the child tokens again

(7) Go back to (5) as many times as you like

So in summary, the problem all stems from the fact that you get your reward in the child DAO before subtracting from the original balance. The stack was actually limited to 128 on Ethereum at the time, so he wasn’t able to continue these calls forever. The attacker managed to get around this by using the handy transfer() function, so he could quickly move the funds out to another account he controlled. Then he could move it back into the original account and repeat the process.

What happened after the hack?

The attacker managed to steal ETH worth up to 250 million USD; they actually stopped after draining around 1/3 of the DAO’s funds. It started a big debate among members of the Ethereum community as to how they could respond to this attack. One side fought for the immutability (’code is law’) of the blockchain and argued that we shouldn’t fork to take away the funds from the attacker. The other side wanted to fork the chain to return all the funds. The miners were divided on the proposals (a contentious hard fork) so we ended with two chains - Ethereum Classic (ETC) and Ethereum (ETH).

#week6 #seminar

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gii-heylittleangel · 6 years ago

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Hey guys, I’m back with another Weekly Words for the Writers of Destiel Discord and this week’s was “I Wish”. I hope you like it because this one was very good to write, I got all of it in a few hours.

Read it on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19139998 or keep reading here

Dean hasn’t been feeling like himself these last couple of days—no, scratch that—months, he hasn’t been feeling like himself for months. A few weeks ago, Dean thought he would finally begin to feel like himself again, because they had finally found Cas after spending so much time worrying and looking for him. Dean really believed they would be together after that and that they could go back to the routine they had before Cas left him—that they could go back to how they were, no matter what happened before. But fate, as always, had other plans, because, only a few hours after Dean finally saw Cas again and they were able to simply be together and hold each other’s hands, real life came in, knocking down everything in its way—Mary, Kelly, Crowley, Cas.

Dean lost everyone on that day, saw all of them be taken away from him. He lost his mom because she walked right to Lucifer and punched him in the face to save him and Sam; he lost Crowley, who sacrificed himself to help them keep the Devil away from their world; he lost Kelly, who spent so many months suffering, with everyone wanting to get between her and her son. And then he lost Cas, who went to hold Lucifer so Dean and Sam could get away from the apocalyptic world, so they could have a shot of getting out of there alive, even if that meant Cas himself could die. Dean saw Cas being stabbed through the back, his life being burned away from his body, leaving only the empty shell on the ground, the shell that Dean loved for so long and that he had to burn. And, as he watched it burn, it made him realize that this time was the last time he would see Cas, that his angel would never come back.

He doesn’t know how he managed to keep it together after that—or if he even did— how he was even able to stand up, walk, drive, speak, eat. He doesn’t even remember most of the things he did after he knelt beside Cas’s lifeless body, his heart breaking into a million pieces. He only knew he had to keep the facade up so Sam wouldn’t know how much he was suffering inside. He also had other things to worry about, so he boxed all of his feelings up until he could morn all his losses without anyone knowing.

After they finally went to the bunker, Dean broke down as soon as he entered his and Cas’s room, and saw the little notes Cas left for him when Dean wasn’t there, always saying something that made Dean smile, even if it was a simple ‘Hello, Dean’, that was enough to brighten up his day. Dean never found the courage to take them off, especially after Cas left. Some of them had lost their glue and fell on the floor, and Dean would only take it and put on his nightstand, reading them every time he missed Cas—which was very often. But even with all the good memories, those notes only made Dean feel worse.

Dean doesn’t even know how long he spent knelt, crying, after he closed the door. He punched the floor, breaking the skin of his hands; he prayed to Chuck to bring all of them back, saying he owned them for leaving them; he cried even more when nothing happened. After all of that, every time he thought he would be able to finally stop crying, he would look around and see something else that reminded him of Cas, until he couldn’t take it anymore—he knew he wouldn’t be able to stay in their room, not at that moment at least.

He grabbed some clothes from his closet and went to the room they used for movie nights, deciding he wouldn’t be able to sleep in his own, even with his so loved memory foam. He couldn’t stay there, remembering all the silly moments he had with Cas, the confessions they had late at night when Dean couldn't sleep and the tiny little things that Cas did there to make it his room too—to make it their room.

Dean had been avoiding his room the most ever since, only going there when he needed to get clothes or some book he forgot there, but, otherwise, he kept his distance from it, doing his best not to even get close to it if he could help it. He keeps the spaces he can go in the bunker low, going to the kitchen, the garage, the bathroom, the war room and the room he has been sleeping in, and also doing his best to keep his mind occupied and not have to think about anything that may make him break down.

He spent his time uploading Men of Letter’s files to the server Sam created for them, so it would be easier to find whatever they could want; he cleaned rooms he and Sam had never been and didn’t know existed; he fixed all of the cars in the garage, taking them for drives every week; he has also been cooking a lot, hoping that, even if it reminds him of Cas, it’ll be enough to keep his mind focused on only one thing.

If Sam noticed anything strange with Dean’s behavior, he didn’t comment on it, leaving his brother to mourn the way he wants. He took Jack on hunts, knowing he couldn’t leave him with Dean and that Dean would probably feel better if he was alone in the bunker. Sam sent Jody, Donna, Alex, and Claire to keep an eye on him or just stay a few hours with him so he wouldn’t feel so lonely. Dean appreciated it, especially for having comfort and the knowledge that there are people who still care about him, no matter how much he tried to isolate himself.

This week, Sam and Jack are out on a hunt on the other side of the country, which means Dean has plenty of days alone—or at least until one of the girls come to check on him. Sam and Jack left a couple of days ago and Dean promised he would do some research to help them with their hunt, so Dean walks to the kitchen with some books and his laptop, so he can do what he needs for Sam and still get overdosed with coffee.

Dean manages to find and send all the information Sam may need about everything that has happened n the city before he finishes the coffee pot. He thinks that maybe he should have taken longer because now he doesn’t know what to do to keep his mind busy and not let it start throwing memories at him—memories he doesn’t want to see because he knows it’ll only make him suffer more. He decides to stay in the kitchen, looking at news and trying to find any strange deaths, until he finishes with his coffee pot.

He finds two different mysterious deaths, one on the south and one in west-center of the country. He sends each for different hunters to check on it and see if it’s anything supernatural or just the normal freaks things that happen in the world. He puts everything in its place after he’s done, walking to the war room and sitting on one of the chairs.

He rests his elbows on the table and buries his head on his hands, trying to think what he could do to get busy now: there's nothing to cook, all the cars are clean and running smooth, the rooms that need cleaning he needs to wait for Sam and Jack to make sure there's nothing cursed there and that it's safe to go in and there are no documents to put in the server. Dean sighs and does his best not to think about Cas or anything that may be related to the angel—Dean has suffered enough on the first days after Castiel’s death, he doesn’t need more of it.

After he takes a few deep breaths, he raises his head, looking around the war room, even though he knows that there’s nothing to occupy his mind at the moment. He turns his head to look the path that leads to the bedrooms and thinks that maybe he should gather enough courage to face whatever is hidden behind the door to his room—he can’t keep hiding forever and sooner or later he’ll have to face it and it’s better if it’s when he wants, when he knows he’ll face it and not when he’s taken by surprise.

He doesn’t know how long he stays in that position, just staring at the hallway that leads to the rooms and trying to decide if he should or if he shouldn’t go. He gets startled when his phone starts to ring, breaking the trail of thought he was in. He blinks a few times and sees Sam’s name written on the phone, so he picks it up and answers it.

“Hey, Sammy. Everything okay there?”

“Hey. Yeah, yeah everything’s fine. Jack and I just got back to the motel after interviewing the witness and families of the people that got killed.”

Dean rubs a hand on his face. “That’s great, Sammy. Did you get my email?”

Sam hums. “Yep, I’m gonna go through it after we eat something. How are things there?”

“Fine, as always. Found two hunts and sent them to the hunters close to it. Just some vamps causing trouble.”

“That’s good.” Sam stays a few moments in silence like he’s thinking about what to say next. “Did you leave the bunker?”

Dean bites his lip, wondering if he should lie or just tell the truth. Sam will probably know if he lies so the truth may be better. “Nope, I’m waiting for the grocery list to grow a little more.”

Dean hears his brother sigh and knows he’s probably running a hand through his hair and trying to find a reason for Dean to get out of the bunker. “You should at least drive around, Dean. Being cooped up in the bunker isn’t good.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll leave sometime, don’t worry. I’ll let you get back to your research now. Call me if you need anything else.”

Dean hangs up before Sam can say anything else, holding the phone tightly between his hands. Dean takes a deep breath, raising his eyes again to the hallway, and decides to go to the room and face everything he has been running from for weeks before he can lose the little courage he has.

He stands up, putting his phone in his pocket and starts walking towards the hallway—dragging himself may be a better description but there’s no one there so Dean thinks it's okay to lie a little to himself. He slowly walks to his room, stopping in front of the closed door, staring at the five little letters carved on the top of the door—Cas and D.W. They decided to carve their names there after Cas finally moved into Dean’s room. They made the letters really tiny so only they would know they’re there, kinda like a secret that only they would know.

Dean stares at those letters for a while, his eyes tearing up as memories flood his mind. He raises his hand to the doorknob, closing his fingers around it and taking a deep breath before turning it and opening the door.

The room is exactly the way Dean left on the day he found Cas—the sheets on the bed are perfectly neat, there are some research papers on the bedside table from a hunt Dean had found and some clothes that Dean had separated for Cas when they came baçk on the chair.

Dean takes a deep breath, closing his eyes as his mind start to show him more images of the great memories he has with Cas in that room. But, for once, Dean doesn’t try to fight them, instead accepting them. He opens his eyes and gives the last steps until he is fully inside the room, looking around it, almost being able to smell Cas’s scent—something that resembles ozone and rain, but also a mild scent of cinnamon and coffee, two things that Cas always loved.

Dean walks to the bed, sitting on the edge of it, with his back to the door. He grabs the pillow that Cas uses, burying his face in it and inhaling deep. He can’t stop the tears that come with it and the dam inside of him breaks, all those weeks of trying to hide his feelings coming out all at once. Dean cries, sobbing into the pillow that still has Cas’s smell, thinking how he’ll be able to get through this or if he’ll ever be able to miss Cas just a little less.

He doesn’t know how long he stays sobbing into the pillow nor when he lay down on the bed. He just knows that his head started to hurt and that he feels exhausted like he just spent hours running. He turns on the bed until he’s facing the ceiling and tries to keep his mind blank, hoping that crying so much will make him feel better.

Unfortunately, the memories keep coming to him, making him feel worse than he was before. He remembers when he first said that he loved Cas, when they were fighting about something so stupid that escalated to an argument and Dean just blurted out that he loved Cas. He thinks that he never panicked so much before, as Cas’s eyes widened and his whole body stiffened. Dean thought he had screwed everything up that day, until Cas threw himself on top of Dean, crushing their lips together, making both of them fall on the floor. They didn’t even remember what they were fighting about after, laughing of how a fight could end up in a confession and then in sex.

Dean also remembers how many time he woke up to Cas staring at him with a soft smile on his face, saying ‘Hello, Dean’ as soon as the hunter’s eyes opened. Dean’s days always started better when that happened, leaving him with a smile all day long. Dean remembers the post-its Cas would leave around the room when he needed to leave before Dean was awake, or how he sometimes would wake Dean up with a cup of coffee or pancakes or bacon, especially after Dean came back from long and stressful hunts.

Dean cleans up the tears that start rolling down on his face, not wanting to cry more. He sniffles and stands up, going to the radio he keeps in his room. He turns it on and the last music he heard in it starts to play—Pink Floyd’s Wish You Were Here. Dean closes his eyes, listening to the first chords of the music, and remembered how Cas was head over heels by the band when Dean showed him and that his favorite song was this one. It was the last music they listened together before Cas left. Cas said that the song reminded him of them.

Dean sits on the bed again, singing along the song, with his eyes closed and focusing on how much he misses Cas. “I don’t think you can hear this, Cas, but I miss you so much that I don’t even know how to handle this empty feeling inside of me. I can’t even think about you that my heart tightens and I immediately start crying. I've never felt like this and I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with these feelings inside of me. You have no idea how much I wish you could come back, how hard I would fight if I knew just where to start looking for you.” Dean takes a deep breath, biting his lips to stop himself from crying. “I love you so much, Cas, I—” Dean’s voice break as a sob comes through his throat, stopping him from saying anything else. He buries his head on his hands, trying to stop himself from crying more.

For a few minutes, the only thing Dean hears is the last beats of the music, until it stops completely and a voice comes from the door. “I love you too, Dean.” Dean sits straight so fast that he almost falls from the bed, staring with big eyes the figure standing between the door frames.

Dean squints his eyes until he recognizes the man standing there and he just can’t believe his eyes. “Ca-Cas?”

Castiel smiles softly, entering the room. “Hello, Dean.”

Dean jumps from the bed, throwing himself on top of Cas and hugging him tightly. “You really are here, you’re not just a manifestation from my mind.” Cas nods, hugging Dean back. “How? How did you get back? We-we burned your body.”

Cas chuckles softly and shrugs. “Well, I managed to piss a cosmic entity so much that it decided to send me back to Earth.”

Dean lets go of Cas, putting his hands on the angel’s face. “I can’t believe you’re really here.”

“You should because I truly am here. And I don’t plan on leaving you again so soon.”

“You better not leave me, Cas, or I’ll piss off a cosmic entity and I don’t think anyone wants that.”

Cas smiles, putting one hand on Dean’s cheek and caressing it with his thumb. “I’m so sorry, Dean.”

Dean’s eyes tear up. “You don’t need to be sorry, it’s not your fault. Just promise me you won’t go out looking for the Devil so he can stab you again. I can’t lose you again, Cas.”

“I won’t, I promise. I just want to be with you now.”

Cas crushes their lips together, putting his arms around Dean again and tightening his embrace until all of the hunter’s body is touching his. Dean kisses him back, with the same intensity, like he needs Cas’s lips to be able to survive. And after everything he felt during these weeks, maybe he does need Cas’s lips, just as much as he needs oxygen to be able to survive.

#littleangelwrites #writersofdestiel #destiel #dean winchester #castiel

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thealphabetmurders · 6 years ago

Text

Scrambled Thoughts

Pairings: Romantic Logince, Sibling Analogical

Word Count: 2013 (for Chapter 3), 8163 in total

(Previous) (First)

Summary: Roman was not a rebel by any means. Roman was not a fan of breaking rules. Sure, he bent some from time to time, but never done anything blatantly wrong, that was not in service to his passions. Yet, despite the protests his best friend and his consciousness, he picks up two dozen eggs and goes to vandalize. Now, Roman has to avoid suspension, make amends with Virgil, alleviate the concern of Patton, and not fall in love with his enemy Logan.

Triggers: Bullying, Violence, Vandalism, Adopted Sibling Relationship, Mentions of Racism, Classism

Authors Note:This fic originally was going to be just 3 chapters long, but the people on my discord server implored me to write some more angst. Please enjoy. (Again, I was inspired by a dream @misplaced-my-notes had, thank you).

Taglist (for everyone who seemed interested): @misplaced-my-notes, @jaszczurkaaa, @an-atypical, @jughead-is-canonically-aroace (let me know if you wanted to be added/taken off)

(Read on AO3)

One Week Later

Tensions had been running high between Logan and Roman over the week. Logan would smirk at something he had read, faux-gasp at something on his phone, or just give Roman a smug grin, and Roman would return the favor in a civilized fashion of obscene hand gestures.

It felt as though this was going to go on indefinitely. That was, until, a randomly assigned pairs project was put before them. And as fate would have it, there was no question as to who Roman was paired up with.

“So,” Mrs. Volts continued, “As this is a public forum debate, you and your partner will work together to debate another pair. Your resolution topics have been posted on the board. After reading, you and your partner should get together and get started,”

Roman nearly cried as him and Logan looked at one another, both filled with the same amount of despair. They looked at their topic stand together, but looking very much separated, “Americans are entitled to free and public healthcare,”

The two made their way back to a desk in the corner and pulled out their computers wordlessly and shared a document with one another.

“So, I will take the affirmative since I am sure you would love to argue the negative for this one-”

Logan cut him off, “No, I believe we should work together on each one, that way we know an equal amount about the affirmative and negative,” Roman just nodded, “Listen, Roman I would like to apologize,”

Roman frowned, “For what?”

Logan fiddled with the sleeves of his leather jacket and continued talking, not meeting Roman’s eyes, “About my offhand comment on the quality of state schooling. It has been bothering me for days now and I wanted to apologize. I am speaking from a place of privilege, privilege I know I have. I intended to hurt you with that, but I wanted to apologize now, because I immediately regretted as I said it. I made a mistake, and I was wrong,”

Roman was shocked at Logan’s admission. He believe it would go in a completely different direction leading up to a punchline about Roman’s intelligence, “That was very big of you, Logan, thank you. Consider your apology, accepted,” Roman said with a wave of his hand.

“Great,” Logan deadpanned, unzipping and shrugging of his jacket. Today he wore a eggshell vertical striped shirt with a short black tie. Roman looked down at his own attire, a bright purple and red show shirt advertising Noises Off as well as his red bomber. He laughed silently to himself, wondering how they could be dressed more different.

“Are you also going to apologize for bruising my foot by smashing it with your pumps?” Roman asked.

“No, absolutely not,” Logan looked up from his typing, “I will only apologize for things I feel remorse towards and I do not regret that. I can, would, and will do it again when the opportunity presents itself.”

“Whatever you say, Specs,”

Logan shook his head, “We are not at nickname level yet,”

Roman smirked, “What are you gonna do about it- and I see you raising your foot, it that really your only move?”

Another Week Later

Roman didn’t know how it happened. Slowly, Logan and Roman’s, as the former would call it, ‘childish competitive rivalry’ slowly morphed into a ‘childish competitive friendship’. It must have all started when Roman invited Logan over to work on their debate, fully knowing they were ahead with work, and Logan accepted.

Maybe Roman did scream the entire time he rode on the back of Logan’s bike, gripping onto his waist, crying for deal life. It was possible that they spent 10 minutes working on their presentation but then forwent their original motive to play Mario Party. It’s extremely likely that Logan painted Roman’s nails black and Roman taught Logan how to make a meal out of 5 things in the pantry.

“What was that about, Ro?” Patton asked as Logan passed Roman in the hall, bumping him in the shoulder, winking, then smiling.

“Oh, that? We’re friends now, can you believe that?” Roman said, smiling. They sat down for lunch and Patton was smiling meekly.

“So, you both are friends now?” Patton asked. Roman nodded, taking out his salad, “Just… friends?”

Roman’s heart stopped and he swallowed, “Yea, Pat, just friends. W-why?”

Patton giggled, “I don’t know, that did not seem like just friendly behavior to me. I am pretty sure Logan was more expressive in those 5 seconds than I have seen him in the 3 years I have known him,”

Roman stabbed his salad, the fork slightly cracking the bottom of the cheap plastic, “Logan and I are just friends, nothing more. Either way, he is straight,”

“Did he tell you that?”

“Well, no, but he is a nerd and exudes that straight energy. No gay guys ride motorcycles,”

Patton considers this for a moment, “I guess. Bi?”

Roman’s eyes widen, “Huh. I didn’t even think of that. Motorcycles are big bisexual energy,”

“Do you like Logan?” Patton asked outright.

“No. Not really. He is still a self-righteous know it all,”

“So, you will not be upset if I am brutally honest with you, Ro,” Patton started out, hesitantly.

“I suppose… What is going on?”

Patton pushed his lunch aside and folded his hands onto the table, “Don’t you think it is a bit weird that a week ago you and Logan were at each other’s throats, and now he is kind of flirting with you in the halls?”

Roman frowned, chewing on his fork, “What are you saying, Patton?”

“I think that he may be feeding off of your flirtatious nature and using you,”

Roman dropped his fork in his salad and scoffed, “Using me? For what?”

Patton tongued the inside of his cheek, “You seriously do not remember, kiddo? How you vandalized his house and he is trying to get you suspended. Doesn’t he have to come up with something in about a week?”

“Yea…”

“Maybe this is a tactic. Get close to you for information and then use that against you,” Patton put his rounded glasses on top of his head and rubbed his eyes, “I never want to be a negative Nancy, Roman, but I have your best interest in mind, yea? You need a scholarship and fraternizing with the enemy is a damn good way to not get one,”

Roman scoffed, “The enemy?”

“You know what I mean,” Patton looked at his watch and sighed, “I promised Mr. Eldredge I would help him set up for Senior Facs, I just going to head there now,” He quite harshly threw everything in his lunch box and swung his school bag over his shoulder, “Just please listen to me Roman, for once, just listen to me. If you had listened to me in the first place, maybe you and Logan could have been friends without any ulterior motives,”

Patton walked off with purpose leaving Roman by himself to compartmentalize what Patton had revealed to him.

Logan is incredibly smart. That is just a universal truth. With every class, Logan excels and has developed quite the income from selling the faculty WiFi password to students, which allows them to access restricted content on their computers. Yet, there are always two sides to the same coin. Logan uses a lot of that intelligence purely for self preservation. He never gives out test answers or lets anyone copy homework. He is quite selfish with his school supplies as well, but more than anything, Logan is incredibly reserved. Most people high school aged have broken off into cliques or groups they share common interests with. Never Logan. Sure, Logan has acquaintances and people whom he can talk to in class, but never hang out with outside of the fact or even text for leisure. In fact, Roman is pretty sure he is the only contact in Logan phone outside of family.

There is no reason why Logan would randomly, out of the blue, want to become friends with Roman. In fact, it was weird how he didn’t see it for himself, first. Logan was just a parasite, using him off for his own personal gain and wishes then depositing him into a river whenever he has sucked all the blood and life out of him.

Roman gripped at his hair (the curliness of it makes it good to latch on to) and gritted his teeth, willing himself not to spill the hot tears that were taunting the edge of his eyelids. He gritted his teeth and sucked in a cold breath, the air feeling harsh against his enamel, but not as harsh as find out one of the few friends you did make was just using you off.

In a fit of passion and anger, Roman hit his salad off of the table, hitting the wall next to him. Lettuce and dressing stained the wall and the plastic fell on the floor, even more cracked than before. A couple students around him looked at the action, but quickly turned their attention away; nothing interesting enough was happening to stare at the student who looked on the verge of tears. Roman hastily grabbed his bag and ran out of the cafeteria. Normally, he could clean up his mess, but he was too emotional to care.

He walked and walked and walked until he reached his destination in mind. Roman raised a fist and rapped three quick knocks on the door.

“Roman?”

“Mr. B, what are you doing here… I was here to see-” Mr. Remy Brown stepped to the side to reveal Dr. Emile Picani. There were glasses set out and plates scattered across the coffee table at Dr. Picani’s office.

“Roman, is everything alright,” The school psychiatrist leapt up from his couch and rushed over to the door.

The student sniffled in response, but waved his hand away, “No, no I am fine, I just- You guys are having lunch I can come back-”

“No way, Ro,” Mr. B shook his head, “You look terrible,” He opened the door and gestured for the other to come inside.

He tentatively took a few steps inside and sat in the big leather chair across from the couch, settling into it nicely. Roman crossed his legs on the chair and picked up a stuffed dog and began fiddling with it’s long fur.

“I better go, Em,” Mr. B said, awkwardly. Roman always found it to be weird when teacher said other’s first names, but he quickly dismissed that point.

“Actually, I want you here, Mr. B, if that is alright,” Roman said awkwardly, “I was going to go to you, but I knew you were at lunch and didn’t want to bother you,” Roman looked down at his shoes, “Oops,”

The two adults looked at each other with an undesirable expression, but Dr. Picani signaled to the seat next to him and Mr. B sat down.

“Okay, Roman,” Dr. Picani bit his lip and looked up at Roman with worry, “What seems to be going on?”

*****

Microsoft NERD: Roman, you were not here for 6th period and we were supposed to debate today, is everything okay?

Microsoft NERD: I know we were supposed to go to that “Bubble Tea House” that just opened up; did you go home?

Microsoft NERD: Virgil told me you are in 7th Period, I do not know if you got your phone taken by your teacher, but you really should stop texting in class (also, I do not want you to sass me, this is my TA period).

Microsoft NERD: I am waiting by my bike for you in our usual spot.

Microsoft NERD: Roman, I have been waiting for you for about 40 minutes and you haven’t showed or texted me, I am just going to head home.

Microsoft NERD: I apologise, Roman, if I did anything to upset you or if something else upset you that was outside of me. Just, be prepared to debate tomorrow, I suppose. Goodnight, Roman.

#thomas sanders #sanders sides #logince #sanders sides fic #my writing

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poipoipoi-2016 · 6 years ago

Text

Since Google Plus is going away, I’m going to back up Steve Yegge’s platform rant. And confirm the opening paragraph.

One thing that struck me immediately about the two companies -- an impression that has been reinforced almost daily -- is that Amazon does everything wrong, and Google does everything right. Sure, it's a sweeping generalization, but a surprisingly accurate one. It's pretty crazy. There are probably a hundred or even two hundred different ways you can compare the two companies, and Google is superior in all but three of them, if I recall correctly.

Looooooong text below the cut

Stevey's Google Platforms Rant I was at Amazon for about six and a half years, and now I've been at Google for that long. One thing that struck me immediately about the two companies -- an impression that has been reinforced almost daily -- is that Amazon does everything wrong, and Google does everything right. Sure, it's a sweeping generalization, but a surprisingly accurate one. It's pretty crazy. There are probably a hundred or even two hundred different ways you can compare the two companies, and Google is superior in all but three of them, if I recall correctly. I actually did a spreadsheet at one point but Legal wouldn't let me show it to anyone, even though recruiting loved it. I mean, just to give you a very brief taste: Amazon's recruiting process is fundamentally flawed by having teams hire for themselves, so their hiring bar is incredibly inconsistent across teams, despite various efforts they've made to level it out. And their operations are a mess; they don't really have SREs and they make engineers pretty much do everything, which leaves almost no time for coding - though again this varies by group, so it's luck of the draw. They don't give a single shit about charity or helping the needy or community contributions or anything like that. Never comes up there, except maybe to laugh about it. Their facilities are dirt-smeared cube farms without a dime spent on decor or common meeting areas. Their pay and benefits suck, although much less so lately due to local competition from Google and Facebook. But they don't have any of our perks or extras -- they just try to match the offer-letter numbers, and that's the end of it. Their code base is a disaster, with no engineering standards whatsoever except what individual teams choose to put in place. To be fair, they do have a nice versioned-library system that we really ought to emulate, and a nice publish-subscribe system that we also have no equivalent for. But for the most part they just have a bunch of crappy tools that read and write state machine information into relational databases. We wouldn't take most of it even if it were free. I think the pubsub system and their library-shelf system were two out of the grand total of three things Amazon does better than google. I guess you could make an argument that their bias for launching early and iterating like mad is also something they do well, but you can argue it either way. They prioritize launching early over everything else, including retention and engineering discipline and a bunch of other stuff that turns out to matter in the long run. So even though it's given them some competitive advantages in the marketplace, it's created enough other problems to make it something less than a slam-dunk. But there's one thing they do really really well that pretty much makes up for ALL of their political, philosophical and technical screw-ups. Jeff Bezos is an infamous micro-manager. He micro-manages every single pixel of Amazon's retail site. He hired Larry Tesler, Apple's Chief Scientist and probably the very most famous and respected human-computer interaction expert in the entire world, and then ignored every goddamn thing Larry said for three years until Larry finally -- wisely -- left the company. Larry would do these big usability studies and demonstrate beyond any shred of doubt that nobody can understand that frigging website, but Bezos just couldn't let go of those pixels, all those millions of semantics-packed pixels on the landing page. They were like millions of his own precious children. So they're all still there, and Larry is not. Micro-managing isn't that third thing that Amazon does better than us, by the way. I mean, yeah, they micro-manage really well, but I wouldn't list it as a strength or anything. I'm just trying to set the context here, to help you understand what happened. We're talking about a guy who in all seriousness has said on many public occasions that people should be paying him to work at Amazon. He hands out little yellow stickies with his name on them, reminding people "who runs the company" when they disagree with him. The guy is a regular... well, Steve Jobs, I guess. Except without the fashion or design sense. Bezos is super smart; don't get me wrong. He just makes ordinary control freaks look like stoned hippies. So one day Jeff Bezos issued a mandate. He's doing that all the time, of course, and people scramble like ants being pounded with a rubber mallet whenever it happens. But on one occasion -- back around 2002 I think, plus or minus a year -- he issued a mandate that was so out there, so huge and eye-bulgingly ponderous, that it made all of his other mandates look like unsolicited peer bonuses. His Big Mandate went something along these lines: 1) All teams will henceforth expose their data and functionality through service interfaces. 2) Teams must communicate with each other through these interfaces. 3) There will be no other form of interprocess communication allowed: no direct linking, no direct reads of another team's data store, no shared-memory model, no back-doors whatsoever. The only communication allowed is via service interface calls over the network. 4) It doesn't matter what technology they use. HTTP, Corba, Pubsub, custom protocols -- doesn't matter. Bezos doesn't care. 5) All service interfaces, without exception, must be designed from the ground up to be externalizable. That is to say, the team must plan and design to be able to expose the interface to developers in the outside world. No exceptions. 6) Anyone who doesn't do this will be fired. 7) Thank you; have a nice day! Ha, ha! You 150-odd ex-Amazon folks here will of course realize immediately that #7 was a little joke I threw in, because Bezos most definitely does not give a shit about your day. #6, however, was quite real, so people went to work. Bezos assigned a couple of Chief Bulldogs to oversee the effort and ensure forward progress, headed up by Uber-Chief Bear Bulldog Rick Dalzell. Rick is an ex-Armgy Ranger, West Point Academy graduate, ex-boxer, ex-Chief Torturer slash CIO at Wal*Mart, and is a big genial scary man who used the word "hardened interface" a lot. Rick was a walking, talking hardened interface himself, so needless to say, everyone made LOTS of forward progress and made sure Rick knew about it. Over the next couple of years, Amazon transformed internally into a service-oriented architecture. They learned a tremendous amount while effecting this transformation. There was lots of existing documentation and lore about SOAs, but at Amazon's vast scale it was about as useful as telling Indiana Jones to look both ways before crossing the street. Amazon's dev staff made a lot of discoveries along the way. A teeny tiny sampling of these discoveries included: - pager escalation gets way harder, because a ticket might bounce through 20 service calls before the real owner is identified. If each bounce goes through a team with a 15-minute response time, it can be hours before the right team finally finds out, unless you build a lot of scaffolding and metrics and reporting. - every single one of your peer teams suddenly becomes a potential DOS attacker. Nobody can make any real forward progress until very serious quotas and throttling are put in place in every single service. - monitoring and QA are the same thing. You'd never think so until you try doing a big SOA. But when your service says "oh yes, I'm fine", it may well be the case that the only thing still functioning in the server is the little component that knows how to say "I'm fine, roger roger, over and out" in a cheery droid voice. In order to tell whether the service is actually responding, you have to make individual calls. The problem continues recursively until your monitoring is doing comprehensive semantics checking of your entire range of services and data, at which point it's indistinguishable from automated QA. So they're a continuum. - if you have hundreds of services, and your code MUST communicate with other groups' code via these services, then you won't be able to find any of them without a service-discovery mechanism. And you can't have that without a service registration mechanism, which itself is another service. So Amazon has a universal service registry where you can find out reflectively (programmatically) about every service, what its APIs are, and also whether it is currently up, and where. - debugging problems with someone else's code gets a LOT harder, and is basically impossible unless there is a universal standard way to run every service in a debuggable sandbox. That's just a very small sample. There are dozens, maybe hundreds of individual learnings like these that Amazon had to discover organically. There were a lot of wacky ones around externalizing services, but not as many as you might think. Organizing into services taught teams not to trust each other in most of the same ways they're not supposed to trust external developers. This effort was still underway when I left to join Google in mid-2005, but it was pretty far advanced. From the time Bezos issued his edict through the time I left, Amazon had transformed culturally into a company that thinks about everything in a services-first fashion. It is now fundamental to how they approach all designs, including internal designs for stuff that might never see the light of day externally. At this point they don't even do it out of fear of being fired. I mean, they're still afraid of that; it's pretty much part of daily life there, working for the Dread Pirate Bezos and all. But they do services because they've come to understand that it's the Right Thing. There are without question pros and cons to the SOA approach, and some of the cons are pretty long. But overall it's the right thing because SOA-driven design enables Platforms. That's what Bezos was up to with his edict, of course. He didn't (and doesn't) care even a tiny bit about the well-being of the teams, nor about what technologies they use, nor in fact any detail whatsoever about how they go about their business unless they happen to be screwing up. But Bezos realized long before the vast majority of Amazonians that Amazon needs to be a platform. You wouldn't really think that an online bookstore needs to be an extensible, programmable platform. Would you? Well, the first big thing Bezos realized is that the infrastructure they'd built for selling and shipping books and sundry could be transformed an excellent repurposable computing platform. So now they have the Amazon Elastic Compute Cloud, and the Amazon Elastic MapReduce, and the Amazon Relational Database Service, and a whole passel' o' other services browsable at aws.amazon.com. These services host the backends for some pretty successful companies, reddit being my personal favorite of the bunch. The other big realization he had was that he can't always build the right thing. I think Larry Tesler might have struck some kind of chord in Bezos when he said his mom couldn't use the goddamn website. It's not even super clear whose mom he was talking about, and doesn't really matter, because nobody's mom can use the goddamn website. In fact I myself find the website disturbingly daunting, and I worked there for over half a decade. I've just learned to kinda defocus my eyes and concentrate on the million or so pixels near the center of the page above the fold. I'm not really sure how Bezos came to this realization -- the insight that he can't build one product and have it be right for everyone. But it doesn't matter, because he gets it. There's actually a formal name for this phenomenon. It's called Accessibility, and it's the most important thing in the computing world. The. Most. Important. Thing. If you're sorta thinking, "huh? You mean like, blind and deaf people Accessibility?" then you're not alone, because I've come to understand that there are lots and LOTS of people just like you: people for whom this idea does not have the right Accessibility, so it hasn't been able to get through to you yet. It's not your fault for not understanding, any more than it would be your fault for being blind or deaf or motion-restricted or living with any other disability. When software -- or idea-ware for that matter -- fails to be accessible to anyone for any reason, it is the fault of the software or of the messaging of the idea. It is an Accessibility failure. Like anything else big and important in life, Accessibility has an evil twin who, jilted by the unbalanced affection displayed by their parents in their youth, has grown into an equally powerful Arch-Nemesis (yes, there's more than one nemesis to accessibility) named Security. And boy howdy are the two ever at odds. But I'll argue that Accessibility is actually more important than Security because dialing Accessibility to zero means you have no product at all, whereas dialing Security to zero can still get you a reasonably successful product such as the Playstation Network. So yeah. In case you hadn't noticed, I could actually write a book on this topic. A fat one, filled with amusing anecdotes about ants and rubber mallets at companies I've worked at. But I will never get this little rant published, and you'll never get it read, unless I start to wrap up. That one last thing that Google doesn't do well is Platforms. We don't understand platforms. We don't "get" platforms. Some of you do, but you are the minority. This has become painfully clear to me over the past six years. I was kind of hoping that competitive pressure from Microsoft and Amazon and more recently Facebook would make us wake up collectively and start doing universal services. Not in some sort of ad-hoc, half-assed way, but in more or less the same way Amazon did it: all at once, for real, no cheating, and treating it as our top priority from now on. But no. No, it's like our tenth or eleventh priority. Or fifteenth, I don't know. It's pretty low. There are a few teams who treat the idea very seriously, but most teams either don't think about it all, ever, or only a small percentage of them think about it in a very small way. It's a big stretch even to get most teams to offer a stubby service to get programmatic access to their data and computations. Most of them think they're building products. And a stubby service is a pretty pathetic service. Go back and look at that partial list of learnings from Amazon, and tell me which ones Stubby gives you out of the box. As far as I'm concerned, it's none of them. Stubby's great, but it's like parts when you need a car. A product is useless without a platform, or more precisely and accurately, a platform-less product will always be replaced by an equivalent platform-ized product. Google+ is a prime example of our complete failure to understand platforms from the very highest levels of executive leadership (hi Larry, Sergey, Eric, Vic, howdy howdy) down to the very lowest leaf workers (hey yo). We all don't get it. The Golden Rule of platforms is that you Eat Your Own Dogfood. The Google+ platform is a pathetic afterthought. We had no API at all at launch, and last I checked, we had one measly API call. One of the team members marched in and told me about it when they launched, and I asked: "So is it the Stalker API?" She got all glum and said "Yeah." I mean, I was joking, but no... the only API call we offer is to get someone's stream. So I guess the joke was on me. Microsoft has known about the Dogfood rule for at least twenty years. It's been part of their culture for a whole generation now. You don't eat People Food and give your developers Dog Food. Doing that is simply robbing your long-term platform value for short-term successes. Platforms are all about long-term thinking. Google+ is a knee-jerk reaction, a study in short-term thinking, predicated on the incorrect notion that Facebook is successful because they built a great product. But that's not why they are successful. Facebook is successful because they built an entire constellation of products by allowing other people to do the work. So Facebook is different for everyone. Some people spend all their time on Mafia Wars. Some spend all their time on Farmville. There are hundreds or maybe thousands of different high-quality time sinks available, so there's something there for everyone. Our Google+ team took a look at the aftermarket and said: "Gosh, it looks like we need some games. Let's go contract someone to, um, write some games for us." Do you begin to see how incredibly wrong that thinking is now? The problem is that we are trying to predict what people want and deliver it for them. You can't do that. Not really. Not reliably. There have been precious few people in the world, over the entire history of computing, who have been able to do it reliably. Steve Jobs was one of them. We don't have a Steve Jobs here. I'm sorry, but we don't. Larry Tesler may have convinced Bezos that he was no Steve Jobs, but Bezos realized that he didn't need to be a Steve Jobs in order to provide everyone with the right products: interfaces and workflows that they liked and felt at ease with. He just needed to enable third-party developers to do it, and it would happen automatically. I apologize to those (many) of you for whom all this stuff I'm saying is incredibly obvious, because yeah. It's incredibly frigging obvious. Except we're not doing it. We don't get Platforms, and we don't get Accessibility. The two are basically the same thing, because platforms solve accessibility. A platform is accessibility. So yeah, Microsoft gets it. And you know as well as I do how surprising that is, because they don't "get" much of anything, really. But they understand platforms as a purely accidental outgrowth of having started life in the business of providing platforms. So they have thirty-plus years of learning in this space. And if you go to msdn.com, and spend some time browsing, and you've never seen it before, prepare to be amazed. Because it's staggeringly huge. They have thousands, and thousands, and THOUSANDS of API calls. They have a HUGE platform. Too big in fact, because they can't design for squat, but at least they're doing it. Amazon gets it. Amazon's AWS (aws.amazon.com) is incredible. Just go look at it. Click around. It's embarrassing. We don't have any of that stuff. Apple gets it, obviously. They've made some fundamentally non-open choices, particularly around their mobile platform. But they understand accessibility and they understand the power of third-party development and they eat their dogfood. And you know what? They make pretty good dogfood. Their APIs are a hell of a lot cleaner than Microsoft's, and have been since time immemorial. Facebook gets it. That's what really worries me. That's what got me off my lazy butt to write this thing. I hate blogging. I hate... plussing, or whatever it's called when you do a massive rant in Google+ even though it's a terrible venue for it but you do it anyway because in the end you really do want Google to be successful. And I do! I mean, Facebook wants me there, and it'd be pretty easy to just go. But Google is home, so I'm insisting that we have this little family intervention, uncomfortable as it might be. After you've marveled at the platform offerings of Microsoft and Amazon, and Facebook I guess (I didn't look because I didn't want to get too depressed), head over to developers.google.com and browse a little. Pretty big difference, eh? It's like what your fifth-grade nephew might mock up if he were doing an assignment to demonstrate what a big powerful platform company might be building if all they had, resource-wise, was one fifth grader. Please don't get me wrong here -- I know for a fact that the dev-rel team has had to FIGHT to get even this much available externally. They're kicking ass as far as I'm concerned, because they DO get platforms, and they are struggling heroically to try to create one in an environment that is at best platform-apathetic, and at worst often openly hostile to the idea. I'm just frankly describing what developers.google.com looks like to an outsider. It looks childish. Where's the Maps APIs in there for Christ's sake? Some of the things in there are labs projects. And the APIs for everything I clicked were... they were paltry. They were obviously dog food. Not even good organic stuff. Compared to our internal APIs it's all snouts and horse hooves. And also don't get me wrong about Google+. They're far from the only offenders. This is a cultural thing. What we have going on internally is basically a war, with the underdog minority Platformers fighting a more or less losing battle against the Mighty Funded Confident Producters. Any teams that have successfully internalized the notion that they should be externally programmable platforms from the ground up are underdogs -- Maps and Docs come to mind, and I know GMail is making overtures in that direction. But it's hard for them to get funding for it because it's not part of our culture. Maestro's funding is a feeble thing compared to the gargantuan Microsoft Office programming platform: it's a fluffy rabbit versus a T-Rex. The Docs team knows they'll never be competitive with Office until they can match its scripting facilities, but they're not getting any resource love. I mean, I assume they're not, given that Apps Script only works in Spreadsheet right now, and it doesn't even have keyboard shortcuts as part of its API. That team looks pretty unloved to me. Ironically enough, Wave was a great platform, may they rest in peace. But making something a platform is not going to make you an instant success. A platform needs a killer app. Facebook -- that is, the stock service they offer with walls and friends and such -- is the killer app for the Facebook Platform. And it is a very serious mistake to conclude that the Facebook App could have been anywhere near as successful without the Facebook Platform. You know how people are always saying Google is arrogant? I'm a Googler, so I get as irritated as you do when people say that. We're not arrogant, by and large. We're, like, 99% Arrogance-Free. I did start this post -- if you'll reach back into distant memory -- by describing Google as "doing everything right". We do mean well, and for the most part when people say we're arrogant it's because we didn't hire them, or they're unhappy with our policies, or something along those lines. They're inferring arrogance because it makes them feel better. But when we take the stance that we know how to design the perfect product for everyone, and believe you me, I hear that a lot, then we're being fools. You can attribute it to arrogance, or naivete, or whatever -- it doesn't matter in the end, because it's foolishness. There IS no perfect product for everyone. And so we wind up with a browser that doesn't let you set the default font size. Talk about an affront to Accessibility. I mean, as I get older I'm actually going blind. For real. I've been nearsighted all my life, and once you hit 40 years old you stop being able to see things up close. So font selection becomes this life-or-death thing: it can lock you out of the product completely. But the Chrome team is flat-out arrogant here: they want to build a zero-configuration product, and they're quite brazen about it, and Fuck You if you're blind or deaf or whatever. Hit Ctrl-+ on every single page visit for the rest of your life. It's not just them. It's everyone. The problem is that we're a Product Company through and through. We built a successful product with broad appeal -- our search, that is -- and that wild success has biased us. Amazon was a product company too, so it took an out-of-band force to make Bezos understand the need for a platform. That force was their evaporating margins; he was cornered and had to think of a way out. But all he had was a bunch of engineers and all these computers... if only they could be monetized somehow... you can see how he arrived at AWS, in hindsight. Microsoft started out as a platform, so they've just had lots of practice at it. Facebook, though: they worry me. I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure they started off as a Product and they rode that success pretty far. So I'm not sure exactly how they made the transition to a platform. It was a relatively long time ago, since they had to be a platform before (now very old) things like Mafia Wars could come along. Maybe they just looked at us and asked: "How can we beat Google? What are they missing?" The problem we face is pretty huge, because it will take a dramatic cultural change in order for us to start catching up. We don't do internal service-oriented platforms, and we just as equally don't do external ones. This means that the "not getting it" is endemic across the company: the PMs don't get it, the engineers don't get it, the product teams don't get it, nobody gets it. Even if individuals do, even if YOU do, it doesn't matter one bit unless we're treating it as an all-hands-on-deck emergency. We can't keep launching products and pretending we'll turn them into magical beautiful extensible platforms later. We've tried that and it's not working. The Golden Rule of Platforms, "Eat Your Own Dogfood", can be rephrased as "Start with a Platform, and Then Use it for Everything." You can't just bolt it on later. Certainly not easily at any rate -- ask anyone who worked on platformizing MS Office. Or anyone who worked on platformizing Amazon. If you delay it, it'll be ten times as much work as just doing it correctly up front. You can't cheat. You can't have secret back doors for internal apps to get special priority access, not for ANY reason. You need to solve the hard problems up front. I'm not saying it's too late for us, but the longer we wait, the closer we get to being Too Late. I honestly don't know how to wrap this up. I've said pretty much everything I came here to say today. This post has been six years in the making. I'm sorry if I wasn't gentle enough, or if I misrepresented some product or team or person, or if we're actually doing LOTS of platform stuff and it just so happens that I and everyone I ever talk to has just never heard about it. I'm sorry. But we've gotta start doing this right.

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