#specifically the fathers day one since i won’t be able to post it on sunday

[fruixtii]

AUGH I forgot i’m fasting tomorrow…hopefully i’m not too tired to finish the rest of my art i have piled up before the strike starts

[kfedup]

Sunday 7

or more, I don’t know, we’ll just have to wait and see...

1. Wishing the fathers in my orbit a beautiful day and sending love and light to all of the many who I know, like myself, have hard, complicated feelings about it all. I texted mine this morning and see that he read it, but no reply. I can’t recall the last time he reached out to me beyond a rare FB messenger note and we haven’t been face-to-face in the same room, or even the same region of the US for 20 years. Oh, wait, that’s not true. I was in Florida last year at this time and tried to get together with him, but he couldn’t make it work. It is what it is. I’m working on letting go of my resentment and imagining what life was like for him. We’ll see if that gets me anywhere. 

2. Those somatic movement exercises for Psoas are truly saving my life. As soon as I do them, I’m back in business. Hopefully the pilates work will help strengthen the muscles around my hips so I’m not in constant distress. Last night was weird. My 20-year-old cesarean scar began to hurt the way it did when it was healing. Lila’s 20th birthday is in a few weeks and I’ve been writing a lot about my body and specific traumas that have occurred and how i’ve compartmentalized and outsourced so much. I had just eaten a gummy and as it kicked in and the pain increased, I got myself into a relaxed position in bed and turned on a breathing meditation and I just fucking went into it. I won’t bore you with the details of my traumatic release other than to say holy hell the body holds onto some shit. I got up afterwards and wrote it all down, then hit replay on the meditation and let it carry me on waves of relaxation and deep body sensations into an incredible night’s sleep. Oof. 

3. This morning/afternoon I went to an ecstatic dance event in the CVNP at the Octagon shelter. I haven’t been since before the pandemic started and gracious, I didn’t even realize how much I missed it. The setlist was such a perfect flow and I was able to move some of that shit through and let it go. Several times I felt tears starting like I hoped would happen, but then they immediately jammed up. Maybe feeling self conscious about crying in front of strangers, I don’t know. My hips and lower back hurt after I really let myself go deep into the dance and I had to slow my ass down even though I felt so close to falling through this blockage. In due time. I’m going to go to the next one in two weeks and break out my hula hoop to use out in the back yard. 

4. I’m fantasizing about dropping everything and becoming a 5rhythms teacher. Just spend the rest of my life dancing. 

5. I put up the new hammock this afternoon and sat in the shade listening to the birds and the breeze, reading It Didn’t Start With You and listening to the new Ben Howard album with my earbuds to help drown out the psychos next door. Although, I will say they didn’t start screaming until I had already gone inside. 

6. The Vermont job that I want is posted again with a new title and slightly tweaked description. My goal is to get my application in by end of day Wednesday. The imposter syndrome is intense this time because I applied already and I have no idea if they hit the pause button on the search because they didn’t like any of the applicants or they really did want to evaluate their staffing needs once the new ED started like they said. What if it’s both things and they were just being polite? Oh well, the only real and true thing I have to go on is the deep in my gut knowing that I will regret it if I don’t try. 

7. I was supposed to do a couple hours of client work again today, but I’m wiped and needed a day that’s just for me to process and release and relax. I also got myself a DQ sundae. The screamers next door are out monopolizing the beautiful evening with their chaos, so I think I’m going to run a bath to soak with some epsom salts and essential oils and then watch a movie. 

8. This week is going to be busy af and I need to wake up and have my poop in a group right away. Wish me luck. No THC at bedtime tonight for sure. 

[aoitrinity]

Why Do I Have to Feel Like a Fucking Conspiracy Theorist -- OR -- How I Find a Semblance of Peace on Sunday Night

I’m also going to start this out with a GIANT DISCLAIMER.

I am about to theorize about what may have happened to the SPN finale. I have absolutely no insider knowledge. I am merely speculating here based on the panels and a bunch of Twitter and Tumblr posts that I have been reading over the last few days. If you are not in a good place to read such things, TURN BACK PLEASE. Go take care of yourself and your mental health. You and your feelings are valid and deserve to be handled gently right now.

Additionally, if you are here to give me shit for being unhappy with the ending, please walk away as well. I am here to reach out and share my feelings with people who might be struggling to make sense of something that upset some of us in very deep-seated ways. I am not here to bother you or critique you or tell you that you’re lesser because you liked the ending. If you felt it was good, then go enjoy it.

Long-ass post beneath the cut, everyone.

Alrighty folks...I debated whether or not to do this because I have been spiraling down the hell that is the SPN finale since Thursday. The travesty of what happened to our show--to this beloved show that seemed to have been so perfectly and precisely written for at least four years that it had basically already paved its own tarmac on which to land its plane and we all thought we knew exactly what we were going to get. And then we didn’t. We had a nigh Cas-less and entirely Eileen-less ending. We had no goodbye between Cas and Jack. We had Dean dying young after finally finding his freedom, only to ascend to heaven with no one but Bobby. We had the weird, weird, weird incest-y death scene. We had the bridge crane shot thing because...sure. You do you, Robert Singer.

It was so terrible, so truly awful, and I couldn’t seem to square any of it with anything we had known going in. I tossed and turned and cried and didn’t eat or sleep all weekend. I spent hours just reloading tumblr and twitter, going to the Misha panel, reading and reading and listening and trying to figure out what the fucking hell is going on because I needed to know exactly where to direct my anger. And after a fuckton of talking with @winchester-reload, I think we have at least a very plausible theory about what happened here--I’m laying it out below as much for my own peace of mind as anything else, because otherwise all of these thoughts are going to continue to spin around in my head for weeks and I won’t be able to do jack shit.

Now to start off, unfortunately I do think Dean was slated to die from the beginning of this season. I don’t know WHY they thought that was the best way to go, and I wish they had listened to Jensen on this one. Part of me wonders if it was an order from on high based on the discussion between Becky and Chuck earlier this season--the writers knew it wasn’t a great choice, but they were trying to signal to us that we should feel free to write our own endings to the story because they’d be better (I can wax poetic on the signs of why many of the writers probably wanted Dean to live, but that’s another post). I’m not defending that choice by any means, just laying it out there that I think they didn’t necessarily all want to kill Dean like they did.

However, what I THINK I can explain now is what happened with Misha and why we got so jerked around with Cas’s story. Consider what we know (I can’t immediately source all of it, but I did my best):

At the end of episode 15x19, Lucifer has been returned to the Empty after being killed AGAIN. He talks with Cas. Maybe harasses him a bit about Dean, idk. But then...Jack shows up. New God Jack. And he picks up Cas and pulls him out of the Empty, leaving Lucifer behind, because seriously. Fuck that guy (also leaving behind his abusive father is character growth for Jack, so yay for that).

-Misha was contracted to film 15 episodes this season. He was only in 14.

-Misha told Michael Sheen he had to go back to film 1.5 episodes after the shutdown in March. (Starts at 6:13)

-Misha was in Vancouver during filming of the finale.

-Mark P said at Darklight Con that the last scene he filmed was with Alex and Misha (and Mark P was only in episode 19).

-Misha implied that he was present for various filming moments, including Dean’s death (start at 35:15), and said that it felt like a “mini-reunion.”

-Various sources have mentioned that Jimmy Novak was supposed to be in the finale.

-After episode 18, Stands tweeted a fan who was angered and hurt by Cas's death that they could talk about the “bury the gays” issue after the finale aired.

-In episode 19 we know there were takes of the parking lot scene where the only thing fans observing could hear was Dean yelling “CAS” at Chuck (fuck I can’t find this one right now, but it’s definitely out there)

-Also in episode 19, we had a very strange, awkward montage at the end of the episode.

-In episode 20, we know there were a FUCKTON of missing scenes

-We also had no opening montage, but three other separate montages.

-Carry on My Wayward Son was played TWICE, back-to-back at the end of the episode.

-Episode 20 was shorter than normal and had surprisingly little dialogue. The pacing was VERY strange.

-The cast and crew has been almost completely silent about the finale since it came out. When they have spoken, it has been with an awkward excuse of “Uh...COVID?”

-Samantha Ferris has specifically noted that, despite the Harvelle’s being back in play and a big heaven reunion having been planned pre-COVID, neither she nor Chad Lindberg received any such invitation to return.

-Cas and Dean POP Funko figures were pictured together in a replica of Harvelle’s in 15x04.

NOW with all of this in mind (and I’m probably missing some stuff too because there is so much--feel free to add on to that list), please bear with me because here is what I think we were SUPPOSED to get POST-COVID (after it was determined that the reunion couldn’t happen because of the virus):

In episode 20, we start with our NORMAL OPENING MONTAGE, like always. It traces everything that happened during the season. We are reminded of Cas. The confession. Rowena. Eileen. Jack. Billie, God, the Empty, all of it. 

Things then follow along in the episode where they did up until Dean dies and wakes up in heaven. After his conversation with Bobby, he drives off to find Cas (who, in the script, was listed as “Jimmy Novak” in order to protect against script leaks--who wouldn’t want to do their best to avoid spoilers about the finale with the wrapping of a fifteen-year show?). He does indeed find Cas. We get Dean’s end of the confession. Hell, maybe we even get a kiss. And then Dean sets up his new heaven home in the recreated Harvelle’s. Maybe Cas even fucking moves in. 

Years pass. We get Sam having his life on Earth (still can’t explain why they cut Eileen and couldn’t even have Sam signing vaguely to the blurry brunette in the background; if anyone wants to take that on, go for it). Eventually, Cas tells Dean that it’s almost Sam’s time. Dean takes Baby and goes to meet Sam at the bridge. The cover of Carry on My Wayward Son plays during this much shorter sequence. End of episode.

But that’s not what we got. Instead, much of what I just wrote about was excised from the episode. The remnants were stitched together after shooting had been wrapped. Filler was added in the form of montages and long, unnecessary extra shots to get the episode to something approaching a reasonable length. 

But why? Why would they spend all that time and money and quarantining on Misha, only to almost completely cut him out of the finale? I struggled with why the fuck the CW would want this mammoth show to go down as the greatest queerbait in TV history when they had the chance to do something truly beautiful and monumental with it? It couldn’t just be sheer homophobia, right? Well, I think that factored into it, my friends, but here is where my head is at right now.

It was about cold, hard cash.

Now I could be wrong, but this is what I’m thinking at the moment: Supernatural is going off of the air. Supernatural, the CW’s cash cow for fifteen years. Sure there is still money to be made on blu-rays and merchandise and cons...but they need people watching their shows. They need that sweet advertising revenue. And you know what show they have about to premiere? A show that could, potentially, bring with it a chunk of that SPN revenue?

Walker.

And if any of you know anything about the original Walker Texas Ranger, you know that the show was predominantly a show about a very heterosexual white man being very excessively heterosexual. And for SOME REASON over the years, many of the execs at the CW still seem to think that this show, Supernatural, is really attractive to a lot of middle-American white men...whom they desperately want to watch this new show with this guy from Supernatural that they already know.

Now here’s where COVID fucked us. I think Destiel was greenlit by TPTB, at least in SOME form, before COVID. But then the pandemic happened, and they panicked. They got the cut of the last two episodes and watched them in their original, probably queer form. And then, the execs at CW looked at the economy. They looked at their cash cow, about to make its journey to the great beyond. And they looked at this new little calf Walker that they were so desperately worried about. And they made a choice.

They decided that it would be too risky to take the step with Destiel. They were worried about frightening off their ever-so-valuable hetero male demographic with the possibility that a traditionally masculine man in his 40s could be in love with another man in an overt way. It was homophobia mixed with greed, spun up by fear for their revenues because of COVID.

So they called in Singer, possibly Dabb, although I wouldn’t be surprised if they went straight to Singer. They told them that Destiel had to go: executive orders. And the only way to make it go in a way that removed any trace of what had been there was to rewrite what happened to Cas and cut him out from the last two episodes entirely. It was too late to reshoot anything. They had to just cut and stitch and fill with bullshit montages. 

They removed the scene at the end of 19, probably because Cas and Lucifer discussed Dean. All that was left of Misha there was his voice on that fake phone call. They may have cut other things too, but I would bet my life that they cut a scene from the end of the episode and replaced it with that very strange montage. Then they moved onto 20. They cut out every scene with Cas. And left in only two platonic mentions of him, neither made by Dean. They tried to imply that Cas might show up in Dean’s heaven at some point, but that was as far as the editors could go in the time they had. They filled in with montages, awkwardly long shots, anything they could do to fill all of those missing scenes.

And they even had to take the opening montage, because literally everything in it pointed to Cas being there at the end of it all. They wouldn’t be able to leave out his scenes, they were too critical to the season. They couldn’t cut his confession without raising eyebrows. So they cut the whole thing and moved “Carry On My Wayward Son” to one of the newly-added driving montages at the end. Which is why we awkwardly had both songs play back-to-back--again, such a strange choice unless they were out of options and couldn’t exactly buy rights to a new track or compose anything else.

And so we were left with the shadow of the finale that we deserved, that Cas and Dean deserved. We were left without resolution or happiness or words. Bobo told us the most important thing about happiness is just “saying it” and our characters were silenced without anyone ever knowing the truth.

I think the writers might have known and been given the new party line that “Misha never filmed, he couldn’t, sorry, it was COVID, no one’s fault!” But I don’t think most of the cast even knew it had happened until they watched the finale on Thursday with us (though they might have been confused why the bit from 15x19 was sliced, they could reasonably have assumed it was a time thing and also BL episodes don’t make sense anyway). Why do I say that?

Well, first of all, Misha started sending out a bunch of excited texts to fans with some old BTS pictures about an hour before the show started airing on EST. He also wanted his children to see the episode, his YOUNG children. Why would he show them such a traumatic episode if their Dad wasn’t in it? What if it was because he wanted them to witness what was going to be a monumental moment in queer television history that their DAD got to be a part of? And then that was all dashed.

Which is why I think the cast and crew went almost completely radio silent the next day. I don’t think they knew. And based on how they have been acting on social media since then, I think many of them are absolutely furious, but they have been silenced because of NDAs, because they want to find work again in a cutthroat industry, because they don’t want to bring down the hellfire of Warner Brothers Entertainment upon themselves. So the most we have gotten is a little acknowledgement from the MERCHANDISING COMPANY trying to validate our pain (god bless Shirts, she is a LIFESAVER) and a response to my salty tweet about keeping good stuff in the closet from Adam Williams (the VFX coordinator) that seemed to acknowledge the validity of my complaint.

Then there was a scramble behind the scenes, I would bet my life. Talking points were fed to the boys who had panels today, to CE, to all the cast and crew:

Toe the party line. Misha never filmed. This was always about COVID. Do not mention Destiel. Do not mention Dean’s feelings for Cas. Do not promote the Castiel Project or anything that validates the idea that this was anything less than a superb ending.

And that is why we have heard so little from the cast on this front, and what we have heard has been muddled and contradictory. That is why the writers are saying nothing. That is why we have been left adrift.

Now before I close this out, I do want to say that I really, genuinely do not think this was on the writers at all. I feel like they tried to give us the best ending that they could, in a writers room that we know is notorious for splitting along party lines about the overall story (BL and Singer, who have always been about the brothers and their man-pain vs. Dabb and the rest who always seemed to want more for them and for Cas). I think they did everything in their power to at least end with Dean and Cas happy together. If they could give us nothing else, they wanted to give us that. And then the network took it from them. From us. From everyone.

For the sake of fucking money. 

And the WORST PART OF IT ALL, for me, is that in the wake of this disaster, the fans have been left to try and figure out what happened. We have had to wade through a mire of conflicting information in the midst of all of our collective anger and grief over this garbage ending of a show many of us have loved and even relied on for YEARS, all the while wondering if we’re just fucking crazy, if we have all fallen collectively into the hole of conspiracy theories. That hurts ESPECIALLY badly because we have taken so many hits over the years from other groups on social media saying we were crazy for seeing things that weren’t there (especially Destiel), for writing meta and analyzing tropes and believing the evidence of our eyes and ears. The network has made us relive that entire nightmare WHILE processing our grief for a show we wanted so badly to celebrate and which instead we now have to mourn.

So again guys, I cannot prove that this is exactly what happened at all; this is simply my idea of what may have happened. But right now, it’s the most sense I can make from this mess, and to be honest, the act of typing it out has helped me enormously in my processing of it all. I feel like I can see more clearly, like I know where to target my outrage and where to direct empathy. I feel like just fucking maybe, I might be able to do my job tomorrow without bursting into tears at random moments. 

I really hope that this post has helped some of you to, in some small way, process this too. We get through this the way that Misha told us at his panel this morning, the way the writers have told us to do all season long...we throw out the story God gave us and we make it better. We write our characters the happy endings they deserve. 

We save them.

One last thing--if you have not already, please consider channeling your rage into a donation to one of the five causes our fandom has put together to pay tribute to our beloved show and to mourn the ending it should have had:

-The Castiel Project

-Dean Winchester is Love

-Sam Winchester Project

-The National Association of the Deaf

-The Jack Kline Project

[adamwatchesmovies]

The Best of 2020

Better late, than never. I enjoy seeing other people’s top-10 lists and I said I’d do one for 2020, so here we go. I haven’t had the chance to watch EVERYTHING I wanted to, but you’ve got to pull the trigger at some point. When the Academy Awards took place on Sunday, I felt like I hadn’t seen ANYTHING nominated but I could remember dozens of times where I felt like I wasted my precious minutes with cinematic detritus. I assumed putting this list together would be easy. It wasn’t. I’ve got a lot of runner ups but for now, here are my Top 10 “Best” (by which I kind of mean my favorite) movies of 2020:

10. Never Rarely Sometimes Always

Never Rarely Sometimes Always gave me a lot to think about. On the surface, it's about a teenager who has to travel outside of her hometown to get an abortion, but it could've been any kind of procedure she's uncomfortable (or unable) asking her parents for. It's about the lengths she has to go to when her main source of support is cut off. You feel uneasy throughout, wondering what lengths the girls will have to resort through and whether something horrible is just around the corner. For this reason, I think many parents would find the film enriching.

9. Mank

I haven’t posted my review of Mank yet - just haven't had the time so consider my star rating for it "spoiled". If you don't know, it's about Herman J. Mankiewicz (Gary Oldman) and the time he wrote Citizen Kane for Orson Welles. I can’t call Citizen Kane one of my favorite films, but I do often think of it. The story, the characters, specific shots, the overall look, etc. Every time I revisit it in my memory, my appreciation for it grows and in a way, Mank helps complete my relationship with the film. For that reason, I foresee myself revisiting Mank in the future - probably as part of a double-bill. I’d love to see it enough times to memorize some of Gary Oldman’s best lines.

8. One Night in Miami

One Night in Miami addresses the present while being set in the past but something about it clicked with me more than Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom. It's essentially a series of long conversations, the kinds that force you to really examine tough questions and see these legendary figures as normal people. Unlike Mank, it isn't so much the individual lines that stand out, it's more the vibes you get from the exchanges. Out of all the movies on this list, it's probably got the best ensemble cast.

7. Sound of Metal

I'm sure you've seen that clip from Un Chien Andalou where an eye gets sliced with a razor? It gives me the willies just thinking about it because if I were blind I wouldn't be able to watch movies or draw. In Sound of Metal, we're dealing with a career cut short because of deafness but the dots are easy to connect.  I immediately connected with this movie, which made its ending feel like a punch in the gut.

6. Tenet

I keep telling myself that I won’t love a movie Christopher Nolan directs just because his name is attached to it. Hopefully, this doesn't make me a fanboy, despite my falling for pretty much everything he's released. I love how ambitious Tenet is. The plot is so complicated but then again it isn't because once you're able to grok the mechanics of its reverse-entropy technology, you'll probably figure out most of the plot's mysteries. For me, that was the fun part. It felt good to see my understanding of the story and theories confirmed. I'll be watching it again once groups can gather so my friends and I can discuss everything in detail.

5. Trial of the Chicago Seven

I know The Trial of the Chicago Seven fudges history in ways certain people would say is irredeemable but I never go into a film “based on true events” assuming liberties won’t be taken. At the end of the day, I care about being entertained. My enjoyment was also amplified by the fact that I didn't know what the verdicts would be - my American history is spotty, at best. It's got laughs, outrage, drama, and inspirational moments. Aside from romance, you've got pretty much all the bases covered.

4. Palm Springs

Out of all the pleasant surprises of 2020, Palm Springs was the biggest. I thought the Groundhog Day thing was played out and the 0-star-worthy Love Wedding Repeat did nothing to convince me otherwise. Then, this movie comes along and does everything you want in one of those movies, and then some. Not only did Palm Springs give me the romantic comedy I'd been craving for (feels like we haven't gotten a good one since "Crazy Rich Asians" it also examines what love and relationships mean through smartly written metaphors.

3. Possessor

No, I didn’t put this movie on the list just because it’s Canadian; Possessor is on this list because it’s the most unsettling movie of 2020. I mean that in a good way. I've already talked about how unsettling the premise is but it's also the execution. Those bizarre “dream” scenes with the different identities merging in unnatural ways is unforgettable. That mask of Tasya's face, half-melted is already creepy enough, when worn by Christopher Abbott as he re-enacts her memories is just so weird it makes you wonder if you’re actually seeing what you’re seeing, or if you’re going mad. Then, there's that shot with the fingers at the end! Makes me wince just thinking about it.

2. Soul

During the Oscars, I get a little mad at Pixar. They effortlessly churn out these masterpieces that mean no other studio has a chance of winning an Academy Award for the Best Animated Film category. It makes me wonder if the voters even bother to watch the competition but I don't think anyone could argue against Soul. It's among their best films. It’s gorgeous, profound, and modern without showcasing any issues that might flush your day down the toilet.

Runner-Ups:

Enola Holmes

I never believed Enola Holmes would end up on my "Best of the Year" list but this movie is a lot of fun. If you haven't seen it yet, you should. Just wanted to remind you.

Birds of Prey (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn) I was disappointed when audiences didn’t seem interested in Birds of Prey. Seeing Margot Robbie go all-out and given a script that actually makes good use of her character was lots of fun. I also found it refreshing to see a superhero movie (not really, but kind of) that didn’t involve a plot to destroy the world, upheaval all of civilization, or shoot a giant beam into the sky. I think this is one people will discover down the line and go “why didn’t I go see this in theaters when it was playing?”

Borat Subsequent Moviefilm I’m not 100% in love with Borat 2 but boy am I looking forward to showing it to people who have no idea what’s coming. That scene with Rudy Guliani might not have the same impact down the line as it did when I first saw this sequel, but that’s ok. It’ll still have you picking your jaw off the floor.

Nomadland It’s a great movie and I might’ve put it on my list of the best… but I just don’t see myself watching this one again anytime soon. Great movie though. It deserves every accolade you see directed towards it. Chloé Zhao is shaping up to be a major talent. While before I might’ve said “Eternals who?” Now, I’m excited.

The Vast of Night Until I saw Possessor, this was my favorite horror film of 2020. I love the way this movie does so much without showing anything. It’s all about letting your imagination do the work.

Hamilton I’m still unsure how I feel about the casting in Hamilton. Everyone does a terrific job. I understand why actors of color were chosen to portray the historical figures we meet during this story. It still doesn't sit 100% comfortable with me. Then again, who can argue with those results? I’ve seen the movie twice and the songs are still playing in my head.

1. Promising Young Woman

I only had so much before this post went up. Enough for one more movie. It was a tossup between The Father, Judas and the Black Messiah, and Promising Young Woman. As you can imagine, I’m pretty satisfied with the choice I made. Writer/director Emerald Fennell takes the rape-revenge genre and reshapes it into something that feels completely new. Like many of the other films on this list, it also feels relevant to what’s going on today. There are many reasons why I could’ve given it this slot. The writing, the performances, the way it puts your stomach in knots as you wonder what’s going to happen next, the pitch-perfect ending… but I’m going to pick a more personal reason. I try to look at films as snapshots of when they were made. There’s a part of me that winces when I look at Gone with the Wind but I’m also able to take a step back and say “but other than that…” and then just enjoy the movie. In Promising Young Woman, the past is confronted in a way that made me pause and think about two movies on my shelf: Wedding Crashers and American Pie. The Vince Vaughn/Owen Wilson comedy, in particular, has a lot of questionable bits of comedy, bits made even more eyebrow-raising by the fact that it isn't an "old" movie whose entire cast is now dead. Let’s just say that when a movie makes me go “This movie is replacing X”, makes me think this hard about things, and does everything else you want in a thriller… it’ll stick in your head for a long time. That's why I'm calling it the best/my favorite movie of the year.

[eponymous-rose]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E96 (February 25, 2020)

Tonight’s guests are Taliesin Jaffe and Liam O’Brien!

Announcements: The Chicago live show and C2E2 are imminent! The live show will be on Thursday night, but an hour earlier than usual, at 6 PM Pacific/8 PM Central! Liam will be at the live show, but unfortunately has to leave C2E2 early and won’t be able to make it on Sunday. On Friday, the first behind-the-scenes video for The Legend of Vox Machina animated series was posted on YouTube, introducing the writing team!

Episode 96: Family Shatters

Stats for this week’s episode! Of the 16 times Caleb has cast Teleportation Circle, the M9 have remembered to contact someone prior to their arrival 7 times. Of those 7 times, they were successful at contacting someone at the location only 3. Taliesin: “We’re playing this game like Skyrim, we’re just going through people’s houses breaking pottery.” Caduceus got the straw hat that he gave to Clarabelle in episode 31, about 188 in-game days ago. There were 17 cow-related puns. Dani: “Is that above or below average for a Critical Role episode?”

“Clay was kind of built relatively quickly. I didn’t give Matt a ton to play with. I gave him the order in which they left, I gave him Clay’s attitude and his impression of his family members, which was usually just one sentence, and some basic idea of what their power set might be if they had one. I always thought of him as, from a family perspective, of what would have happened to Percy if nothing went wrong.” He was happy to be the one to run the family business and just hang around at home and run the shrine. “I think the rest of the kids’ wanderlust probably put them at odds quite a bit.” He liked being able to play that conflict and show what Caduceus was like when he was annoyed. Cad took after his father, the girls generally wanted to leave, and Colton is “just sort of a doofus.”

Caleb was an only child, so seeing this many kids was a lot. “They clearly had their grudges and their different dynamics with each other, but that’s normal, for sure. Caleb’s very unfamiliar with it.” He also keeps looking at Nott and thinking about how everything he’s doing is about wanting to rebuild his family, whereas Nott is so conflicted about going back to hers. “He doesn’t understand it, but he doesn’t want to push it” or judge her for it. “I thought I had a really defined direction at the start of the campaign, but my seven best friends have knocked it silly.”

What’s keeping Cad with the Nein? “Caduceus is not ready to go home at all. He’s not done with his walkabout. He feels like he wants to see a bit more. He feels he has an intense debt to pay. He feels he has a mission to see everybody else through, at the very least. Or at least he’s telling himself that. So he’s saved his home, or at least he thinks he’s saved his home, and his family’s all right, so now it’s debts that must be paid. He’s not somebody who thinks you can just get off the bus.”

“Caleb was going to ask [the hag] about the ability to travel backward through time, not really believing that she could do that, but was still like, show me what you’ve got.” Even if she’d said it, he would have thought she was a liar. “Probably would’ve offered to kill the M9″ in exchange, then would’ve turned around to hit her with a surprise Disintegrate. Liam notes repeatedly that nothing could possibly have been as cool as what Laura wound up doing.

On the Nein not worrying about places Cad considered sacred ground, Caduceus “is fine with conflict. He doesn’t even really have to have conflict, he could assert himself if he were so inclined. It’s that he’s aware that there are limits to what these people can do. It’s very much the philosophy of ‘children and drunks can do no wrong’.” He’s picking his battles.

Was there a defining moment where Caleb started seeing the Nein as family? No single moment. “It’s like love by a thousand cuts.” Liam notes that he’s still not sure how Caleb would react if he suddenly had the means to carry out his plans. “He’s got the recovering-addict mentality.”

Cosplay of the Week: an amazing Pumat! (CriticalHitical, photo by Minniemooncos on Twitter)

Taliesin notes that Caduceus is definitely feeling more connected to the group. “If anything, Caduceus is really embracing his role as the spiritual guide to the group. He feels like he really has a lot to offer from that perspective of being the roving therapist. Or at least, he thinks he’s a roving therapist.” Liam notes that Cad is the most mysterious of the group to Caleb. “He’s the most religious character I’ve ever played, too. He’s fun! He really came together very nicely.”

On Caleb being more lighthearted on occasion: “He’s been out of practice being a human being for a long time.” The Nein’s brand of ridiculousness is rubbing off on him.

Why hasn’t Cad been pranking the Nein? “They don’t treat him poorly in that way yet. Siblings, man. I have quite a few siblings, and there is an energy. It’s the same way like when you’re around your parents, you revert to a 15-year-old.” Same with siblings. “There’s just something-- just the urge to torture them is so overpowering.” The moment he got the whistle, he knew exactly what he was going to do with it. Liam was reminded of Taliesin’s real-life siblings while watching these interactions in the game.

On Caleb’s laying on compliments for the Traveler: “The thing about time travel is it’s so implausible. It’s so implausible that I could see us finishing this campaign and Caleb will still have it in the back of his head for the rest of his life. But maybe Artagan could help with that. He certainly sees the potential in Artagan, and it was a balance between wanting to support everything Jester has devoted her life to, so it just felt like everyone was ready to write it off. Life is often like this, life isn’t what you thought it would be, it is what it is. Let’s not damn this yet, let’s feel it out. And if I can use this situation to possibly eradicate ultimate evil, that’s a win.”

Cad found it tough to have family and friends in the same room and play both roles. “I don’t know how much it came across that he was trying to keep them, not necessarily separated, but ‘family, guys, guys, family, ANYWAY.’” He did want to get his family on their way as quickly as possible. Cad is the equivalent of his early 20s, so something like 85-120 years old for a firbolg. 

Liam is asked about the conversation between Caleb and Yasha on watch several episodes ago. "You know what one of the best parts of that scene that played out was, is about 20 minutes or 30 minutes before that happened, I texted Ashley at the table and said, ‘Want to take watch? I have nothing planned, it could be fun.’” He wasn’t expecting it to go that far. “I think he had such an extreme reaction because he felt that he had done a good job of hiding things, and he was suddenly worried that he was transparent, that everyone had been able to read him this whole time when he’d thought that he was-- well, he’s a little in love with Jester Lavorre, and has been for a while, uselessly in love with her. The waltz was probably a little pebble. And in that moment-- this doesn’t play out verbally too much in the show, but he just was worried that this thing that he’s never going to admit to because it’s useless, she’s finding herself, and has her whole life ahead of her, and has other people around her who care about her and are a whole lot better for her than he is. And he’s aware of the way those two [Fjord and Beau] feel as well. It’s just there in the background fucking up his shit. It’s really just a problem. Big fucking problem.” 

Fan art of the week: a gorgeous Clay family portrait! (by Teaweltzer on Twitter)

On Clay being absent for the renewal of his home: “I don’t think his arc’s ending off-screen. I think his arc ends when he comes home to see what’s become of it.”

Is Caleb worried about Beau since the confrontation with her father? “Of course he is. She’s ignoring all the advice that she gave him. He doesn’t like to see her that hard on herself when she’s so competent and probably the backbone of the group. It’s the most judgey Caleb’s been of anybody, really, but he’s very aware of the pain of family and personal stuff. She knows her, and even though he broke his shit in half, he could still see the dynamic in the room when we visited his family, so he feels for her. We need you and we love you and we will miss you, you don’t fucking get to go.”

Each of the temples has a secondary god; what was the Blooming Grove’s other god? “The Blooming Grove is for the Archeart because it is a gift of beauty. It’s the Allhammer, the Changebringer, and the Archeart. It’s kind of a powerplay from the Wildmother, in my opinion. They’re all three based off of very specific types of funereal practices that are common throughout the world.”

Caleb saw giving over the transformation spell to Essek as a returning of one of his many favors. “Caleb likes Essek a lot. They’re like two highly gifted kids at school together. And, you know, he’s quirkily charming and handsome. There’s just no reason not to, in his mind. Outside of the M9, he’s probably the only person that Caleb would see as a friend that he’s made. Everyone else is just sort of scenery around the M9.”

What’s next for Cad? “It’s a little bit of finding himself, or at least finishing himself would be the way to put it.” (cue snickering from off-camera) “He’s also vaguely aware of some of the things that are going to possibly emotionally damage the party on the horizon, and he wants to be ready to deal with, in vague order, whatever’s going to happen to Jester, and then whatever’s going to happen to Fjord, and then whatever’s going to happen to Nott, and Yasha, and Caleb. He doesn’t know how to deal with what Beau’s going through. It’s the one thing he has no experience of, because he has no experience with that family dynamic. When he met people with that family dynamic, it was always at the end of it.”

Some fans sent in death whistles. Brian encourages Taliesin to play one on the plane.

The hat for Calliope was a last-minute thought. The flute could also have gone for Colton, depending on “who I could sneak up on”.

Caleb took a symbol of the Archeart from the Labenda Swamp. “I think it was familiar to me. I think I might have either correctly or mistakenly thought it reminded me of the woman who helped Caleb in the Sanatorium.”

[barovian-dawn-seekers]

Friend of Foe

Race: Tabaxi

Class: Monk, Way of the Open Hand (Soon to be Ascendant Dragon)

Age: 32 (If you’ll believe it)

Height: 6′11″ (ears not included)

Alignment: Chaotic Good

Sexuality: Demisexual (Specifically for a certain dragoness)

Hates wearing clothes

Likes to carve little figures to tell stories to his friend Vadra

Fear of water due to a kelpie encounter at a young age

Do not give him the party’s funds, it will all be spent quickly

Should not be told secrets, or honestly be allowed to talk for the party

Will definitely hear you talking shit; can also read your lips

Bad habit of handing off useful items to other people

Very bad at pep talks (might lead to a decrease in sanity)

Very supportive of “Pie Lady” (Her name is Victoria, Friend)

Once killed a man with a piton on accident (he deserved it)

Fed many meat pies to Rictavio’s tiger in an attempt to keep it from ever being hungry enough to attack anyone

Has hugged Strahd von Zarovich and survived, for now

Borrowed a bag of holding to steal a dragon’s skull from Strahd von Zarovich and actually gave the bag back like promised

Almost died by Vladamir’s hands at Argynvostholt

Proud to be a knight of the Order of the Silver Dragon - always wears the pendant the party was given by Godfrey

Could be considered, alongside Yavis, the leader of a werewolf pack by technicality (Even if Armory stole their thunder on killing Kiril)

Kidnapped a child (Arabelle) so her father could not get in trouble for not sending her to Castle Ravenloft

A flying dragon was not able to outrun him, you probably won’t either.... though he had a haste potion to be fair

Definitely did not think through confronting a hag selling her pies

Will one day manage to prank someone with Jeb the mimic

Knows it’s unlikely but thinks it would be cool if Strahd does eventually decide to live as Vasili and actually kinda wants to show him the outside world

Hates very few people. Rahadin is certainly one of those people

So, I still really want to get around to writing up campaign notes, and I’ve got quite a bit of other art that needs to get posted! But man has this been a busy year. Finding the time to write just hasn’t worked out. But but but! @earthsong9405 surprised me this Sunday with an absolutely wonderful updated reference for Friend of Foe! And I wanted to be able to gush about it all over the place because it’s just so absolutely perfect! Just look at that absolutely soft boy that would envelope you in the best hugs ever! So I figured at the very least since we had to cut our session short tonight (go figure not long after we stopped the tornado alert ended) I could gush by writing up some various little tidbits that have come about over the course of the campaign.

-Kyrit

[potentially-lemongrass]

hey! um i wanted to ask a bi queerstake member whose dated about this, um I want to marry in the temple and I know that means I'll have to marry a AMAB person, is it bad that I want a nb/nb aligned masc person or at least a bisexual or asexual partner? i feel like i wont find someone like that, I just want someone who understands and is also queer but also fits kind of with the church narrative. is that weird? you dont have to answer this I just wanted to ask since no one talks about it i guess

honestly my perspective on dating has changed a lot since meeting B so I might say something completely different to what I was saying in previous months. (and of course, as always, this is just Ryn’s Opinion TM so take what you will). Also, looong post incoming as this is also a bit of a life update/journal entry since it’s been a while. I’m using B to respect his privacy and as always, I know that i’m super personal on here but please don’t try to doxx me or find out more than I’m willing to share <3 I’m slightly paranoid so I feel like I always need to say that. 

ANYWAY, I am still decidedly bisexual ✌ and so I’ll fight against bi erasure all day long since I’m a cis woman dating a cishet man. I will never be a straight woman and B totally understands and respects that. However, it also doesn’t exactly matter?? since I’ve chosen him so I’m not dating any men OR women.

Before meeting him, I was thinking about dating in the abstract especially since I really never had a serious relationship with anyone. I was fantasizing about dating girls and feeling deeply cheated that the Church was robbing me of that opportunity. I was angry, deeply depressed, and just generally not in a good mental place.

Coming to college was when I decided I wasn’t mentally going to “do” Church anymore. I skipped a few Sundays, and still signed up for Institute but I was angry and very determined to distance myself from the Church. I had to know if I even wanted to do this with my life and part of my master plan was getting a girlfriend. (although with the caveat that dating a girl, *just* to date a girl and not a guy, isn’t the best plan and I should have been more focused on romance)

I didn’t expect to meet B and when I did, I was deeply worried about getting a man who was “Peter Priesthood” and I would never be able to share my queer identity with him. B isn’t at all like that. He spent enough time around the queer kids in high school to really get a feel for the struggle and he’s never ever made me feel weird about it. He’s even encouraged and asked me to talk about it so I didn’t feel like I had to hide anything.

I came to two conclusions (well, maybe two and a half). 1) I’m definitely bisexual. Over the summer, I had briefly wondered if I was a lesbian and comp het was just taking its toll. Nope. Men are hot and my bf is absolutely a snack. So if anyone is looking for advice about figuring out sexuality, just try dating someone. I totally believe that you can know your sexuality without experience but it most definitely helps if you know what you’re talking about.

2) I missed church. I hadn’t realized it until I walked away but I truly do have a testimony and I longed for the presence of the Spirit in my life. So I chose to turn back. I read my scriptures and prayed sincerely and listened at church. No, I’m not entirely happy with the Church. There are things that make me cry and cringe and grit my teeth, but I have decided that I want to be here.

Part of that realization was B. My friend asked me if I could see myself getting married in the temple and I realized suddenly that I could. Suddenly it wasn’t a faceless man dragging me into a suburban life of mommy minivans and LDS conformity. It was the thought of B and I, holding hands and promising each other forever in the most eternal sense and it was me, making covenants with Heavenly Father. He and I both know that I’ve always had real joy in my life when I was doing my best to keep His commandments.

What I really needed was to accept my queer identity and feel like I could date girls if I wanted to. Finding B and finding my testimony were linked, as wild it is to say.

Not to say that that road would be easy. I’m not even close to being ready for marriage. B and I are figuring things out, both between us and with the Church. If faith was neat and simple, it wouldn’t be such an enduring theme throughout all of history.

 But maybe sometime in the next 5 years? Maybe in 2-3 years? I might be Mrs. Lemongrass. (pffft yes we’ll assume we’re taking my tumblr url as a last name lmao)

SO now you’re wondering about how that applies to your actual question. There will definitely be people in the Church who match what you’re looking for. My philosophy is that there really is someone out there for everyone. You’re trying to forecast for the future which is great and necessary but love doesn’t happen in the abstract. A Relationship TM isn’t some nebulous concept or a copy and paste letter. It’s what happens when you and a specific other person like each other a whole lot and it goes from there. Your relationship won’t look like mine or your parents or anyone else’s because you and your future partner are unique people.

So you totally may find someone in the Church who is queer and down for a temple marriage. Keep in mind as well that you may also find someone in the Church who is cishet and that works too. Just because someone isn’t queer doesn’t mean they can’t understand--assuming no one will ever understand you has always felt arrogant and dismissive of the power of empathy imho--so a cishet guy could be just as amazing.

So there’s no need to feel bad about wanting a specific type of person but don’t close yourself off! Enjoy the journey and put yourself out there with confidence. No one is good at relationships; they’re inherently awkward. You’ll say dumb stuff or fart in front of them or they’ll overshare and you’ll panic. Just trust the process, laugh at yourself, and realize the only thing you can really do is live in *this* moment. I hope this doesn’t sound condescending at all! This is just all my big sister advice that I can think of. Remember that you are loved, always, always, always by our Heavenly Parents and They’ll help you figure stuff out.

[purplesurveys]

1240

Are you better at cooking dinners or making cakes/biscuits/sweets?  I can’t make any dish. I wonder when I’ll get my ass up and start learning...

Have you ever cut someone else’s hair?  I wouldn’t dare; I have no skills in that department at all.

Who was the last guest in your house and what were they staying for?  Angela and Hans came over so we can watch Sowoozoo. 

How many long term relationships have you been in?  One.

Do you sleep with all the lights out, or do you leave a lamp or even the television on?  My default is lights out, but sometimes I’ll fall asleep with my night lamp still on and that’s fine too.

Who is one person you have forgiven, but still have not “forgotten” what they have done?  I don’t really do forgiving.

Are you a fan of Lana Del Rey?  No. I’ve tried listening to her songs but I find them too slow for my liking.

Do you know your blood type?  It’s O but I keep forgetting what specific type.

Do you know your mother’s birthday?  Yes.

Have you got your period at the moment?  It’s on its last few days.

Have you ever been pregnant?  Nopes.

How old were you when you first went on a plane?  I was around 10 or 11, can’t remember exactly. But it was in 2009 and we headed to Boracay.

Have you ever had to take out a loan for anything?  No. OMG, adult activity I don’t quite understand just yet hfdhfkdjfhdf.

Are both of your blood parents still in your life?  Yeah they’re both grumbling right now just outside of my room because the power went out lmfao.

When was the last time you went apple picking?  I’ve never done this. Apples don’t grow here.

Someone asked you what you wanted, what would you say?  My pay for the last two weeks haha, but that’s not coming until Friday.

Have you ever been drunk at school or work?  No, I wouldn’t dare. I’m pretty unpredictable when I get drunk, so I’d rather stay safe haha. I’ve worked while tipsy, but it had been outside of work hours.

How many bedrooms are in your house?  4. One for each kid, then my parents’.

Are you smart about computers?  Nah.

Have you ever played Just Dance for Wii?  We didn’t have the game on our Wii, but I’ve played Just Dance before, just at other peoples’ houses.

Do you own a Xbox 360?  We were a Playstation household.

Would you ever do a sex tape for a million dollars?  Erm, sure, whatever.

So, do you need a nap?  I think I should be taking one for the sake of my health, but I won’t.

What would you rather be doing?  I stumbled upon a Facebook post of this newly-opened store in Greenhills that exclusively sells photocards and I wanna head the fuck over there rn with Angela. That store concept is practically unheard of so it’s a big deal and I wanna go there as I’m 100% sure the BTS ones would sell out pretty fast. But they heightened the stupid COVID protocols yet again and we have to stay at home, so there’s that.

What sport are you the best at?  Table tennis.

Do you have a little sister? What’s her name?  Yeah but she’s turning 21 this year, so little wouldn’t be accurate anymore. We call her Nina at home but everyone else calls her by her full first name, Janina.

Do you complain a lot?  I do complain a lot but I also do the thing that is causing the complaint right after so I can shut myself up lmao.

Would you rather go to an authentic haunted house or an ancient temple?  Both sound fun but I’ll probably take the temple. Yay for learning something new about culture!!

Do you like fruity or minty gum?  I don’t mind flavor when it comes to gum because they fade out anyway.

Are you looking forward to any day of this month?  My company set another mental health break day this upcoming August 27th, so I’ll be thinking about that day throughout the month.

Have you ever gotten detention?  We don’t have detention.

Is there a traumatic event that you’ve experienced that’s changed your life?  Sure.

Do you buy a majority of your clothes from a certain store, or do you just pick out items of clothing you could see yourself wearing, not caring about the store it came from? The latter. < Same. I can be brand-conscious sometimes, but generally if I find something cute, regardless from where I found it, I’d grab it.

Have any of the artists you’re fond of released new albums recently?  Technically yeah. It was a single album. 

Would you ever keep your favorite animal as a pet?  I already have two of them.

Ever cried so much you threw up?  Possibly.

Who is your best guy friend? Hans.

What do you two do when you hang out?  We usually eat out and have a drink or two.

What is a movie that you thought you would hate but you ended up loving?  Spotlight, just because it looked boring at first glance. It turned out to be very riveting and the screenplay was fascinating as well.

Do you even like horror movies?  Yes, but they’re best watched with other people.

Do you live in the country?  Nopes.

What is your favorite accent?  I don’t have one.

Have you ever had a boyfriend your parents didn’t like?  No.

Do you drink Pepsi or Coke?  I had the chance to try out Pepsi when we went to Taco Bell two weeks ago - it was my first time to have it and it was...actually pretty good??? The soda-hater in me was scandalized HAHAHA but it was good!!! I think I prefer Pepsi now.

What do you plan to do on your 21st birthday?  My 21st birthday started out terribly because Gabie’s family didn’t want her to hang out with me on a Sunday (the day my birthday fell on), so we were in an argument the whole day. Angela saved the day when she planned out an impromptu dinner + arcade date for me, and that was the only good part of the day, really. I’d rather forget the rest of it.

Do you have any person in your family with an addiction to beer?  I don’t think so.

Do you take a lot of pictures?  I’m starting to, now.

What kind of face wash do you use?  Good ol’ water.

Does drama always seem to follow you?  Not these days.

Does anybody in your family race?  Nope.

Are you closer to your mom or dad?  Dad, I guess. But I wouldn’t particularly call myself ‘close’ with either.

How much money did you used to get from the ”tooth fairy?”  I never received money from them.

How long do you want to live with your parents?  Maybe up until my mid-20s? Late-20s at the latest. I’m not exactly in the position to move out yet. The money I make at the moment would probably just be enough to cover rent, and just rent. I’d end up starving to death hahaha.

Do you have a laptop or desktop?  Laptop.

Do you like your parents?  Sure.

Do you secretly like someone?  I don’t.

Would you ever date your best male friend?  No. I also wouldn’t do that to Angela.

What are you currently listening to?  Moon by Jin! Such a comfort song.

Do you want to be single?  Yes.

Did you go out or stay in last night?  I stayed in and was knocked out pretty early since I had been up since 1 AM.

Have you pretended to like someone?  No. I don’t see why I would have to that.

How is your heart lately?  Just filled with nothing but Bangtan at this point haha. It’s doing well!

Are you wearing socks?  No. Socks bother me for the most part; they make my feet feel a bit suffocated.

What do people call you?  Robyn.

Do you get stressed out easily?  Yeah, I’m quite the overthinker.

Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance?  No, I’ve never actually been inside an ambulance, whether it came for me or for another person.

What is wrong with you right now?  I should probably cut back on the vaping, for one.

Do you own something from Hot Topic?  No.

Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?  It’s hard for me to sleep with someone else. Even when I had been in a relationship, I usually only got to fall asleep an hour or so after my partner already dozed off.

Do you still talk to the person you last made out with?  No, I cut ties at the start of the year and have been substantially better since then.

Have you ever seen your best friend cry?  I honestly don’t think so. I’m the bigger crybaby between us.

Did you get any compliments today?  My mom thanked me for covering for Cooper’s shots today since they ended up being quite costly.

Have you ever gone to a beach?  Yes, it’s one of my absolute favorite places to be.

What would you say if someone asked you to get high right now?  Pass up on the offer.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?  Yes.

Have you ever done volunteer work just because you wanted to?  I’ve never had the ample time to, so no. I’ve always wanted to volunteer at an animal shelter, though.

Do you have long nails?  They’re not dramatically long, but they have started to grow out.

Do you like the gender you are? I don't like or dislike it, honestly. I'm just neutral. < Same.

Do you generally look nice in photos?  I think this is the case these days, yeah. I’ve started feeling more confident and I think it’s able to translate in photos.

Have you ever had a stick insect as a pet?  No.

What colour are your father’s eyes?  Dark brown.

If I handed you a concert ticket right now, who would you want to be the performer?  BTS DUH

Name three facts about your family?  I come from a family of lawyers; many of us are big history buffs; and many are also fantastic cooks so I don’t know where that talent could have possibly gone when it come to my generation hah.

Would you ever get into a long distance relationship?  If I’ve reached a certain level of investment in the relationship, I could probably handle it. 

What’s the most thoughtful present you’ve ever received?  A Punk shirt and Petals For Armor physical CD from Andi this last Christmas.

What’s your favorite hot beverage? Hot chocolate. < Yessssss!

Did you ever play an instrument? If so what?  I don’t.

Would you rather carve pumpkins or wrap presents?  Carving pumpkins sounds fun, especially since I haven’t tried it before.

Do you think you’re important?  Idk. I don’t really like drawing attention to myself though, so that could probably answer your question.

What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?  Andi wrote a letter for me to accompany the aforementioned Christmas gifts they gave, and it remains to be my favorite letter I’ve received. They essentially reminded and affirmed me that I’m stronger than I think I am, and that I’ve been through a lot and have grown a lot, and that that growth is seen by people around me.

Have you been diagnosed with any mental disorders?  No.

Have you ever moved to another state or country? If so, how did it feel to be new?  Just to different cities, but considering how tiny my country is, the move is quite insignificant lol.

Do you know how to properly eat food with chopsticks?  I’m 100% sure I don’t know how to properly hold chopsticks, but I have my own way and it works lol. Fake it til you make it.

Are you more of a leader or a follower? Definitely a follower, but I can step up in certain situations. < Same. I don’t mind leading, especially considering the control freak I can be lolol.

What was the first thing you ate today?  I haven’t eaten anything today. I skipped breakfast since I brought Cooper to the vet, and by the time I got back the dining table had already been cleared. It’s fine though, I don’t feel too hungry.

If you could spend the day, doing absolutely anything, with anyone, anywhere, what would it be like?  I’d be with Angela, Reena, and Hans at that insane new photocard store I talked about earlier. IDEALLY, we’d probably pick up a photocard or two if the ones we want aren’t sold out yet (lol a rarity), then we’d have some nachos and stuff right after and just talk about all things Bangtan lol with Hans cracking us up the whole time since he is just naturally hilarious.

If I were to ask you how you are doing, and you were only able to answer completely honestly, what would come out?  Content. Happy. I feel warm and loved and surrounded by the best people.

What is the one thing that you have been avoiding that you should do?  Learning how to cook is one.

Is there anything that you wish you could take back?  Not really.

What, in your mind, could make you truly happy?  Being in the purple ocean with my best friends.

If you could change one conversation in your life, what would you say differently? Would it have REALLY made any difference?  A part of me wishes my final face-to-face conversation with Gabie had been a more solid closure, just so we could finally put a hard stop to that chapter. But at that time I thought we would continue talking, so there had still been some stuff lingering in the air when we called it a day and parted ways. So in a sense we never really got closure when I finally cut ties, which the ESTJ in me remains to be nagged by, but I try not to be bothered by it anymore considering how much better I am doing right now. We didn’t know the future at the time, so it’s okay the way things turned out, ultimately.

When is the next time you’ll change your hairstyle? Will you color it?  I have no clue. It’s not really a priority.

Do people normally say you’re a fast typist, or are you rather slow?  I’m fast.

Have you ever been considered the ‘smartest person in school?’  Nah.

How many drugs are in your system?  Just caffeine.

What’s on your schedule for tomorrow? Werkwerkwerkwerk.

Do you currently have any bite marks/hickeys on your body?  Nopes.

Do you call anyone baby?  I don’t.

What’s your current mood?  I’m prety neutral. I wish I could be out right now, but stupid Covid and stupid quarantine. But I don’t really mind staying at home, either, so. I’m just so-so.

Do you think you are a good person?  I hope so.

What were you doing before filling out this survey?  I watched Sunday mass with my family.

How late did you stay up last night?  Around midnight.

When was the last time you cried really hard?  I cried just a few days ago because period hormones, but the last time I cried hard? I’m not sure. April maybe?

Is your hair longer than your shoulders?  LOL yes it’s soooooooo long already.

[oingos-bitch]

Another JoJo Mall Fanfic™ -- And So It Begins. . . (Chapter 2)

The  next  day  was  spent  wandering  around  nearby  cities;  cities  far  away;  small  towns;  beaches;  concrete  jungles;  even  mountains!  Just  to  search  for  the  best  spot  for  a  shopping  centre.  Whereas  it  was  exciting  for  JoJo,  it  was  annoying  and  pointless  to  Dio.  He  was  almost  tempted  to  buy  the  deed  to  a  few  acres  of  a  small  desert  town  just  to  ensure  that  they  wouldn't  have  to  travel  anymore. 'No,  I  have  to  drag  it  out  and  make  him  regret  putting  his  effort  into  his  stupid  little  mall,'  he  thought.

It  was  almost  dinnertime  when  Jonathan  suddenly  slammed  onto  the  brakes,  sending  Dio crashing  onto  the  dashboard.

"WHAT  IN  THE  FUCK  DID  YOU  DO  THAT  FOR?"

"Ah,  sorry,"  Jonathan  replied  absentmindedly.

Wondering  what  besides  him  was  so  amazing  to  look  at,  Dio  turned  his  face  up,  his  jaw  dropping  and  his  face  sharing  the  same  astonished  expression  as  JoJo's.  The  building  before  them  was  a  massive  and  impressive  mash  of  glass  and  stone,  and  throughout  its  exterior  was  a  lovely  marriage  of  old-fashioned  and  modern  husks  of  former  stores.  Though  he  hated  to  admit  it,  Dio  was  just  starting  to  feel  optimistic  about  the  whole  mall  project;  and  though  he'd  deny  it,  he  was  grateful  that  JoJo  had  been  able  to  spot  such  a  perfect  place.  

Beaming,  JoJo  picked  up  his  phone  and  dialed  the  realtor's  number  with  gusto.

"Hello?  Yes,  this  is  Jonathan  Joestar,  how  soon  can  we  meet  up?"

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A  few  weeks  had  passed  since  they  had  bought  the  mall,  and  both  men  were  up  to  their  heads  in  planning!  Jonathan  woke  up  earlier  than  usual  to  brainstorm  and  found  himself  skipping  meals  just  to  finish  his  list  of  necessities  and  itty-bitty  details.  Erina  was  starting  to  worry  and  made  it  known,  frequently  reminding  him  to  sit  down  and  at  least  have  a  cup  of  tea  and  a  snack.

"After  all,"  she'd  say,  "I'm  sure  Dio  is  not  worrying  about  it  as  much  as  you  are!"

He  was.

In  fact,  he  could  be  considered  worse  than  JoJo.  He  had  switched  his  hours  of  sleep  for  hours  of  work,  substituting  most  of  his  meals  for  Redbull  and  not  even  bothering  to  dress  up  like  he  usually  did.  The  last  time  Jonathan  went  to  visit  him,  he  screamed  loudly,  for  he  thought  that  the  person  who  answered  the  door  was  another  one  of  Dio's  victims  rather  than  Dio  himself.  Thankfully,  both  men  worried  much  less  when  most  of  the  remodeling  and  minor  details  were  underway,  and  both  men  could  finally  sleep  easy,  knowing  that  there  was  just  one  more  meeting  that  needed  to  be  carried  out.

So  there  they  stood  one  Sunday  morning,  on  the  corner  of a  busy  street,  the  massive  building  situated  between  a  bumbling  city  and  a  tranquil  park,  dark  green  tape  wrapped  around  the  construction  site,  dozens  of  hardhats  moving  in  and  out  and  around  of  the  edifice.  Pointing  an  expensive-looking  manicured  nail  at  the  mall's  map,  Dio  spoke.

"So,  what  store  is  going  to  be  between  the  Payless  and  the  GreenCrush?"

"Well,  I'd  thought  quite  a  bit  about  it,  and  I  believe  that  we  should  add  a  WingStop  there!"

"Hmm....What  about  a  Hooters?"  The  vampire  suggested  mischievously.

Jonathan's  eyes  nearly  bulged  out  of  his  head.  "N-NO!  IT'S  SUPPOSED  TO  BE  A  FAMILY-FRIENDLY  MALL!"

"But  what  fun  is  a  completely  family-friendly  place?"

"A  place  can  be  fun  without  being  devoid  of  innocence!"

"I  very  much  doubt  that; there  are  going  to  be  teenagers  here,  you  do  realize?"

"Well,  they'll  just  have  to  find  some  way  to  entertain  themselves,  or  go  to  a  different  mall."

Dio  exasperatedly  threw  his  hands  in  the  air.  "This  isn't  just  about  what  YOU  want,  JoJo!  Father  let  me  work  on  this too!"  

"Then  why  don't  you  go  and  ask  him  to  help  you?"  JoJo retorted.

"FINE!  I will!"  Dio  proceeded  to  dial  his  number.  In  the  most  meek  and  sob-inducing  voice  he  could  muster,  he  whined.  

"Daddy,  JoJo  won't  let  me  add  any  stores  of  my  own!  I  begged  him  to  let  me  add  a  couple  of  more  adult  stores,  but  he  said  that  it  needs  to  be  completely  family-friendly!....Oh,  I  see....Okay...Okay!  Thank  you,  Father!"

He  snapped  the  phone  shut  and  handed  it  to  Jonathan.  "See?  I  did  ask  him  for  help,  and  I  was  told  that  it  was  perfectly  fine.  In  fact,  he  repeated  my  own  words, 'After  all,  there  are  going  to  be  teenagers  and  adults  shopping  here.'  You  can  call  him  yourself,  if  you  don't  believe  me."

Jonathan  looked  down  at  the  phone  and  pouted. 'Oh,  well  it's  just  going  to  be  ONE  store.  How  bad  can  it  be?'

And  so,  after  a  few  more  arguments  and  a  lot  more  phone  calls,  A  Hooters  was  planted  inside  the  store. And  a  Spencer's.  And  a  Dick's  Last  Resort.

Now  all  that  was  left  was  to  hire  employees.

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He  hoped  none  of  his  co-workers  saw  him  do  this.

Clad  in  a  pair  of  black  skinny  jeans  and  a  large  grey  hoodie,  Risotto  looked  around  before  snatching  one  of  the  many  flyers  posted  around  the  city.  A  new  mall  was  to  be  opened  soon,  and  with  the  recent  pay  cuts  the  Boss  had  made,  he  couldn't  afford  most  of  the  necessities  for  their  jobs  or  for  personal  expenses.  And  being  a  man  who  hated  to  see  his  team  being  let  down,  what  better  way  to  support  them  than  to  make  up  for  that  recent  budget  cut?  So,  there  he  was,  frantically  plugging  the  digits  into  his  phone.  Just  as  he  rose  his  phone  to  his  face,  he  felt  a  small  frame  bump  into  him.

"Ow,  sorry!"

He  turned  around  to  help,  only  to  be  met  with  familiar  lilac  eyebrows  and  teal  eyes,  without  a  mask.

"Melone?!"

He  stood,  dusting  himself  off.

"Yep,  it's  me!  I  didn't  think  I'd  see  you  around  here,  Capo..."  Melone's  pleasantly  surprised  face  turned  to  one  of  curiosity  as  he  eyed  the  pale  scrap  in  Risotto's  palm.

"What  is  that?"

"Oh,  it's  nothing,  just  a  small  concert  I  was  thinking  about  going  to."

"Oooh,  may  I  see?  I  bet  it's  another  one  of  those  underground  metal  bands  you  like-"

The  tall  man  stepped  back  as  Melone  reached  for  the  paper,  making  him  nearly  fall  in  the  process.  He  pouted,  questioning,  "What's  so  wrong  about  it?  It's  just  a  band-"

"Yeah,  but,  um- I'm  kind  of  embarrassed  about  it,  you  may  not  like  it..."

Melone  rolled  his  eyes,  "But  it's  just  a  name,  how  bad  can  it  be?"  

"Ummm..."  Groaning  internally,  Risotto  decided that  it  would  be  best  just  to  give  it  up,  but  alas,  the  scrap  of  paper  was  missing  as  he  went  to  hand  it  to  Melone.  He  gasped,  "Where'd  it..."

Melone  giggled,  holding  the  paper  in  front  of  his  face,  "Got  it.~"

He  skimmed  over  the  paper  as  Risotto  looked  on  nervously.  "So,  a  second  job,  huh?..."  Risotto  slightly  stammered  over  his  words,  soon  being  cut  off  with  a  "Count  me  in!"  

"What?"

"You're  not  the  only  one  who's  thought  of  this,  Capo.~  I've  been  looking  for  a  while, too.  So,  put  in  a  good  word  for  me,  if  you  please."  He  smiled  up  at  him.

Still  in  a  bit  of  shock,  Risotto  hesitated  before  finally  picking  up  the  phone.  

"Hello,  Mr.  Joestar?  My  name  is  Risotto  Nero,  and  my  friend  and  I  would  like  to  apply  for  a  job  at  your  mall,  specifically..."  He  glanced  down  at  the  scrap  and  swallowed  his  pride.  

"...Specifically  at  the  Hooters."

[brainsdivided]

Remote Pride Month

Day 10 - What do the labels you use mean to you?

Alright, so, this is a tough one for me. And yes I did skip the other days, I didn’t really feel like doing them or had no responses for them. I don’t use my labels. I feel that I don’t have any mainly because I want medical or scientific reasons for them. But, I know I won’t get them even with a doctor’s help because they’ll suggest I’m LGBT. I’ve got this weird quirk of desiring to know an answer for everything and for some reason, LGBT as an answer doesn’t sit well for me. Sits fine for others, but if someone refers to specifically me as genderfluid, aromantic, or asexual it doesn’t sit well.  Hate religion? skip this paragraph and go to the next one

I was never really a religious person (And me feeling this way about myself has been ongoing since middle school), however... around the same time that I had a surge of feeling or thought about this, I was assigned a couple chapters to read for Sunday School, and in 9 Mosiah 4 of the Book of Mormon, I came across a line reading: “Believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend.” Now, I could be interpreting or picturing this entirely wrong, mind you I started actually getting in depth with religion in April and so far it’s been a massive learning curve. I learned from this that it’s okay for me to not have to understand every little thing about myself in depth. That I need to learn that me being the way I am doesn’t need to be justified by science or reasoning. I still feel that I do, but I’m slowly adjusting. I expressed this during virtual Sunday School, and everyone was nice about it, even the older folks. They all said something sweet about how I’ll find my place, or how Heavenly Father’s plan must be special for me since I cannot feel many human temptations (That one was kinda cryptic to me because it kinda makes sense in religious eyes I guess but it was like whoa). One of my missionaries in particular, and I think I’ve said this before in a previous post or two, had said that by me not being able to give into so many temptations due to such a low desire for them, that perhaps such a blessing, as he says, was gifted to me because my future holds something great for me and that the reasoning for me being the way I am is something Heavenly Father intended for and his reasoning doesn’t have to be any more justified for me to fully understand. Sounds like a lot of pressure, but I think with that in mind, I can relax my desire to know by acknowledging that I am impatient and that prayers and answers need to time. My answers will come to me eventually, I just need to learn to wait.  So in short I guess I personally don’t like my labels, and I prefer just to be who I am without a name, but at the same time, I feel the need to know. Perhaps though, even without a label, it will always be a part of me and the meaning behind it isn’t meant to be known.

[raisingsupergirl]

My Supernatural Courage, pt. 1

*Author’s Note: Since writing this, I’ve had a thought, and I’m mulling it over. It might change my stance on things. It might not. Regardless, proceed, dear reader, to better understand where I’m coming from and where I may end up.*

I've been nervous a lot lately. I think everyone has. Not scared. Just nervous—uncertain. I've been nervous about the corona virus. I've been nervous about maintaining my hours at work. I've been nervous because I overcommit. I've been nervous because this past weekend I had to give a speech in front of my freemason brothers and had to play music in front of my church family. And, most of all, I've been nervous about the widespread civil unrest. But the weird thing is, even though national tensions seem to be on the rise, I'm finally starting to achieve some inner peace. Not because I've reached some sort of new normal or because I've given up in some way, but because my frayed nerves weren't actually about the civil unrest at all. They were about my own inner battle. And it took a bunch of local hillbillies to finally set my mind at ease.

If you've followed with me for long, you know that I stay pretty busy. A few weeks ago, I posted about how I didn't have time to truly commit to the conversation regarding ALM vs BLM. The week after that, I posted about not being ready to die because I still have "stuff to do." Well, even though I knew this past week would be crazy busy, I had one request for Father's Day weekend—I wanted to do nothing. And nothing is what I did. My family spent Saturday at the waterpark, nothing but fun and sun. And then we went out to my mom's for dinner on Sunday. That's it. No blogging. No editing. No mowing the grass. Nothin'. And it was amazing, not just because I needed a breath, but because I needed a moment to think. Creatives know that it's essential to recharge every so often. And after I took Father's Day weekend off, I had newfound clarity on, well, a lot of things.

Like I said, the following week came with its own stresses. Not only did I have a ton of editing to do along with practicing songs for the upcoming weekend's church worship team, but that Thursday night, I was to be installed as my masonic lodge's master for the upcoming year. It's been five years in the making—five years of growth, learning, mistakes, and patience. I've learned so much about what it means to be a man in that time. The core masonic principles are brotherly love, relief, and truth, and it's principle duties are to be, "diligent, prudent, temperate, and discreet." And as I said in my speech last Thursday night, masonry is a confirmation of the men we've always been and a reminder of the men we want to be. It doesn't forge us, but it does sharpen us. And as I dwelt on those principles the week leading up to our officer installation, an inner peace settled over me. But, unfortunately, as I said before, it took a bit of a slap in the face by a really ugly counter protest in a nearby town to get me there.

Growing up and living in central Missouri, you'd think I would be used to racism. And I guess I am, but only in the, "Oh, look, a black guy. How about that?" sort of way, which I guess isn't really racism, but I'm also not surprised when I see someone raise an eyebrow at an interracial couple (I also won't deny that I've heard plenty of racist jokes in my day, but I'm not going to get into the nuances of political correctness, Mel Brooks, and South Park). Again, I've always seen it as lack of exposure more than actual racism, and while I've known there were hardcore racists living amongst us, I guess it's just been an out of sight, out of mind kind of thing. But those blinders were ripped off this last week.

There was a BLM rally in a town about thirty minutes from my house. And, as you'd expect, there were plenty of people who showed up with "White Lives Matter" and "Blue Lives Matter" posters. Which is fine. As I said last week, we live in a free country, and our diverse viewpoints make up the spirit of this huge country. But this rally was pretty awful. First, there were local storeowners standing on their roofs with rifles, looking down on the protestors. I guess I get it. Protect your house, and all that. But, geez, was it really necessary to have your weapons shouldered and at the ready. And, obviously, that increased tensions, leading the BLM and ALM folks to move from "peaceful" to a little more verbally aggressive. And that, unfortunately, led a few of the more, ehem, outspoken anti-protestors to (and I almost hesitate to say it) act like monkeys and pantomime lynchings.

I've seen the pictures. I've heard the reports. The BLM protestors weren't innocent. They threw out racial slurs and accusations. But they didn't resort the that level of debased scum. And I don’t use that phrase lightly. Thinking about it makes me want to spit. Or punch someone. It's no different than making sexual jokes to someone who was molested as a child.

It's easy to write that horrible display off as a small, idiotic percentage of the community. It's easy to sigh and move on, remembering that most people aren't that way. But… some people are! They exist in my community! And those people infect the rest of us. The more they talk, the more they normalize actual (even if it's subtle) racism. Thankfully, their public actions have called them out. They've done much more harm to their cause than good. And that event was at catalyst for me. Well, that and one other.

This next turning point was a small one. It was a simple comment by a black lady. She responded to an "ALM" Facebook post. It was simple and humble. "Everyone already knows that all lives matter but everyone don't agree that black lives matter and if it is never said then we will never matter. So because I say black lives matter it's because I wanna be just as important as you would be to the world…"

Yes, I already knew this obvious truth. Yes, I'd heard it a hundred times. But the way she said it, the fact that it came from her, and the timing of it in my life just made things click. BLM isn't just a social movement with an agenda (which I tend to tie together with human imperfection, various other motives, and some of the rioting). It’s a statement. And it's a simple statement, at that. It doesn't have to be political or loaded. "Black lives matter," I said with a smile and a nod as I waited for her to cross the street. Just imagining that scenario makes me happy. Is it wrong to open a door for a woman, wave a tattooed biker on in front of us at a stoplight, or pay for the meal of someone richer or poorer than us? No. Such acts don't relinquish any of our own self-worth or threaten our futures. They're simple, humane kindnesses that make the world a better place. They're acknowledgements that we are a diverse world, and it's neat to remind specific peoples that they are important, not just to us, but to the Most Holy Lord God.

Oops. I'm sure I lost some of you just now. And that's okay, but stick with me. I'm a Christian, through and through. Christ is a part of my everyday life, and one thing that I've reminded myself of for a long time is that every person I meet is a unique child of God. Jesus told the parable of the Good Samaritan, and Freemasonry reminds us by proclaiming, "Every human being has a claim on your kind offices. Do good unto all." And even though it took me a while to get here, I've found peace in those sentiments. I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. And I'm not afraid in the slightest about the future.

When I hear about rioters pushing down statues, I'm reminded of Jesus overturning the moneychangers' tables in the temples. There are plenty of excuses to maintain the status quo, but none of them are really good ones. What are you afraid of? Losing our history? Really? I can still find MySpace comments I made fifteen years ago, and my mom still has pictures of me naked in the bathtub. We're not talking about destroying someone's personal property or threatening their lives (or livelihood). We're talking about a symbolic act of desperation. Was it smart? Or right? Or productive? Who knows, but it's nothing to freak out about!

White people, what are you afraid of? Seriously. Are you afraid that black people will enslave you? Are you afraid of economic collapse? Are your guns going to be taken from you? Your jobs? Your freedom of speech? I mean, c'mon. Even if all of those things did happen (which they won't), who cares!? … Okay, wait. I get it. Slaves care. I'm sure it sucks. But you know how black slaves survived in early American history? They relied on God! Remember the Jews? Christianity was literally born out of a nation of slaves! Oppression is woven into the story of humanity, start to finish. We're a broken world. It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven. The first shall become last, and the last shall become first. Are any of these ringing a bell?

Okay, sorry. I got a little worked up there. But I can't help it. Everyone is so afraid of losing stuff, and nobody is taking five seconds to ask why. Why, truly, are you alive? What are you trying to do? Okay, yes, I get the compulsion to protect your family and future generations. It's biological (which doesn't make it any less important). It's engrained within our race's perpetuation. But we are one race, and I’m sorry, but your family isn't the pinnacle of genetic, moral, and intellectual perfection for the human race. Your kid may have won the spelling bee, but he's not going to cure cancer.

So, ease up a little bit. Let the rest of the world have a little space. Do I agree with everything the BLM movement has been associated with? Of course not. And I never will, because there are a lot of people who hitch themselves to bandwagons, regardless of their own, personal motives. If rioters make the USA into Mad Max, well, then you'll finally be able to tell your wife, "I told you so" about all of the guns and ammo you've been buying over the years. If one truly evil civil rights activist rises up and turns us into a nation of white slaves, well, I guess we'll just have to focus in a little more on being kind to our neighbor, looking to the afterlife, and trusting in God to reward us for obeying his commandments. But more than likely, all of the extremists on both sides will be cut off from the herd, and the rest of us will (eventually) live in a slightly different-looking America than what it has been for the past couple centuries. That's the funny thing about time—the present eventually becomes history. We don't continue to live in it, and we don't forget it. We accept it, learn from it, and move on. Simple enough.

In the end, it's your choice. I've probably offended just about everyone with this post (but as usual, I did it in a super nice way, so good luck calling me out, jerk). But this has been my journey to peace with the situation. My family will live on. My nation will live on. Maybe we'll be blessed with earthly comfort, or maybe we'll be sharpened by trials and tribulations. But eternity waits for me, and while I still walk this earth, I'll have no problem praising and building up specific people and specific groups. Why? Because differences are what make people awesome, and I'm not afraid to remind them of it.

[laurclls-blog]

      hello, hello, hello! i’m peach ( cst, she/her, twenty ) and i’ll be writing my honeybee, laurel. i am not the best at writing intro posts because my muses tend to change quite a bit from the time i post these. it’ll be short and sweet ( as possible ) but everything you need to know about ms. harrison will be under the cut!

p.s. there is also a slight trigger warning if religion/religious topics are something that may trigger you. let me know if anyone would like this to be tagged always because laurel is a religious muse and it might be briefly mentioned sometimes??

HERE is a playlist i’ve made for her & HERE is a pinterest board.

LILY COLLINS ╱ CISFEMALE ╱ SHE/HER –- we haven’t seen the beginning of LAUREL HARRISON’s story yet. when in a pinch, the 28 year old would choose FIGHT –- which isn’t a surprise since their -INCURIOUS. & -STUBBORN. side tends to outshine their +AGILE. & +RESPONSIVE. nature. originally from BROWNSVILLE, TENNESSEE, it’s best we steer clear of someone who believes BAD LUCK COMES IN THREES in this current time. we’ll hopefully see more of the PHOENIX –- depending on what they choose.

general bio

she is from a smallish town in tennessee called brownsville. her family is on the larger side with three brothers and a sister. her father is a high school football couch and her mother works at a consignment shop.

laurel is fairly religious as she’s grown up in a christian home her entire life. she still goes to church on sundays, believes there is a god, and uh isn’t really all that afraid of death because of her faith in an afterlife.

her childhood was comfortable, her soul is rooted in her family’s love and affection. her parents are literally the glue that hold everything together.

all of the siblings were active in something or gently pushed to pursue hobbies. laurel’s happened to be the arts. mostly dance, and more specifically ballet. she trained hard and danced harder, and her parents were there every step of the way. accidents are bound to happen in dance and she had had plenty of them, but one ended her career in dance altogether. 

this created many problems that would become ongoing for her. she found it hard to keep saying “god will never give you more than you can handle”. her life had been completely turned around and she thought maybe if she hadn’t been so invested and went to college alongside her siblings and pursued a traditional career, like dentistry or teaching, she wouldn’t have been this devastated.

she moved to california in the spring of 2018 and has lived there since. her family was extremely supportive of her move and helped her in any way that they could. she needed a new outlook on life and a town she’d lived in for twenty-seven years wasn’t cutting it. 

sure laurel struggles, lives paycheck to paycheck, and can’t remember the last decent meal she’s been able to cook since moving across the country but hasn’t lost faith in herself. she teaches ballet classes and volunteers a lot. she is happy for the most part

the virus outbreak has her concerned. she keeps up with the news, calls her parents and siblings at least every two days, and tries her best to keep away from congested ares.

personality

by nature she doesn’t seek anything out. she isn’t curious and will not tag along on sporadic adventures just because you want to see what a noise was

she is stubborn and nine times out of ten won’t budge on her beliefs, ideas, or actions. you’d be lucky if you pulled her out of that comfort zone in the slightest. along with this one she’s argumentative

laurel knows what you’re saying to her and comprehends things quickly even if she makes you beat around the bush to get there. she catches on to things and is always listening

she’s highly responsive, will hear anyone out, and help when she can.

she wears a lot of bright colors and browns/beige

listens to mostly oldies and isn’t up to date with mainstream culture

doesn’t use social media but definitely watches the news and keeps herself current

[twdmusicboxmystery]

Arc Predictions, Part 2: Other Stuff This Season

I said I’d talk about where we think other arcs might be leading. As with yesterday’s post, keep in mind that this is just conjecture and where we THINK these might be heading. They’re possibilities that in all likelihood will change as the season progresses.

***I will be mentioning spoilers for later in the season further down. I’ll warn you first, but just know I will be talking about them in this post.***

Michonne’s Arc:

Remember we saw the toilet paper around her in 9x06, which might lead to a long journey for her.

In this last episode, we saw her cut the violin in half, and I’ve already said I think, because it’s a musical instrument that was “injured,” it could be a symbol for Beth. Michonne ended up damaging the instrument specifically because of her close-mindedness, refusal to trust anyone, and how quickly she jumps to violence when she perceives a possible threat. @thegloriouscollectorlady even made the very good point that, if the violin represents Beth, then Michonne just took on Dawn’s role as the person who damages the songbird.

Now, obviously Michonne is not nearly as evil or scumbag-ish as Dawn was, but we also saw her being compared to Negan before Rick blew the bridge. That was because she was being so brutal. Even now her negative mindset is leading to negative things.

So we’re kind of wondering if Michonne might end up taking off for a while. For me, that thought came mostly because of the toilet paper. Others are looking at other things. But if Beth ends up being Judith’s mentor, it would make sense for Michonne not to be there for a while.

So where would she go? Obviously she's not gonna leave Judith and RJ easily. I wouldn't expect her to. But there are a few possibilities we’re thinking about. It could be a matter of her going to find Maggie in the Commonwealth. If that's the case, it would be merely a journey and she would probably just leave the kids in Daryl or Carol's care. (Understand that I’m not predicting Michonne’s death here, but possibly her absence for a time.) But of course a trip like that could be stretched over several seasons if they want it to be.

A Nonny sent me an Ask on Sunday saying that IMDB lists Pollyanna McIntosh for the MSF. Now, we don't know for sure that this will be the case. IMDB isn’t always reliable and if Anne/Jadis doesn't return in the MSF, then this theory will be void. (There's also the possibility that she will be in it, but it will be a flashback or something, in which case this won't work either.) But if Anne comes back for real, I think she would have to tell them Rick is alive. And if Michonne learns that he's alive, chances are she's going to go look for him. So that could be another reason she leaves. Again, this is all very much conjecture.

The other thing to note is that Michonne does leave for several years in the comic books. In the CBs, she's with Ezekiel rather than Rick, and after Ezekiel is killed by the Whisperers, she takes off on her own for a while. So, it's the right time (Whisperers) for her long journey arc, and they might just substitute Rick's death (”death”) because he’s her lover on the show, rather than Ezekiel's, as her reason to leave. It would be a twist on what happens in the books, but the show is notorious for doing that.

Henry and Daryl:

So I talked yesterday how Henry equals Beth in many ways, right? 

***If you don’t want spoilers for later in the season, don't read past this part. You’ve been warned.***

Spoiler say that Henry is going to be kidnapped by the Whisperers and Daryl will look for him. What does that sound like to you? Yes, Beth. But we can take it even further back than that. It sounds like Sophia.

Sophia wasn't kidnapped, but she was Carol's child, and when she went missing, Daryl went looking for her. Guys, this is super-interesting when it comes to Carol and Daryl's twin arcs. Neither of them found Sophia in S2. She died. They couldn't save her. And it messed both of them up. 

Carol already had her redemption of Sophia’s arc back in S8 when she went and found Henry. Now she gets to be happy. Because she found and saved him, she gets to raise him. She didn't get that with Sophia because she was too weak to keep her daughter safe. She has gotten it with Henry and we see how happy and fulfilled she is. This is Carol’s second chance or do-over.

Daryl, on the other hand, has never gotten any kind of redemption. Unfortunately for him, he went through this twice. Once with Sophia, and again with Beth. Both were missing girls that he searched for, but ultimately couldn't save. So now, Henry will go missing and Daryl will look for him. So this is the third time he’ll search for a missing person (rule of threes) and possibly will lead to redemption for him.

This does actually have stronger ties the Beth’s arc because Sophia wasn't kidnapped. She merely wandered off and was bitten. In both Henry’s and Beth’s cases, they’re kidnapped by a bad group of people, and Daryl then goes looking for them.

So, hopefully this will be Daryl's redemption. He  (hopefully) will be able to find Henry and save him, rather than lose him. 

We also think it will probably lead to him finding Beth in some way. We’re not sure how, but we also know that she doesn't actually need to be saved. (”She saved herself.”) But Daryl finally finding someone and perhaps reaching a more positive mindset, as Carol has done, may end up leading him to Beth in some way. 

Think of it this way: Carol found Ezekiel and Henry at roughly the same time, since both were at the Kingdom. She didn’t accept Ezekiel’s love until after she’d saved Henry, because it was something she needed to do to heal and redeem herself. But they did sort of happen concurrently. So perhaps Daryl searching for Henry and finding Beth will happen concurrently as well.

I also think it’s significant, not only that the guy playing Henry is Madison Lintz’s (Sophia’s) brother, but both of them were on TTD last week. Almost like the show is hinting that Henry’s arc is linked to Sophia’s in some way.

Unfortunately, we must also acknowledge the other possibility: that Daryl won’t find Henry and he’ll die. Based on spoilers, that doesn't seem likely, but it's always a possibility. If it does happen, it won’t worry me overly much where Beth is concerned. At that point, we’ll still have a rule of threes. It could be that after Daryl’s third search for somebody, if he loses them again, he’ll truly be at rock bottom. And maybe that would be when Beth shows up. It works for me either way, but I think it's more likely that he'll be able to help Henry. At least, I hope he does can, both for his sake and Carzekiel’s.

Strawberry Theory

This is kinda random and doesn’t have much to do with last week’s episode. It’s something a follower pointed out to me. So, remember after 9x06, when we saw Father Gabriel working on the radio/relay, I said I thought his radio system would have something to do with how Beth and TF reconnected?

Okay, so way back in June 2015, I did a “Strawberry Theory 2.0” which was based around the fact that we saw strawberries around FG in 5b. The gist of it was that I thought FG would have something to do with Beth’s return. 

I’d kind of moved away from this idea in the past few years. Especially as we’ve seen Gabriel be a proxy for Beth a few times, I thought maybe the strawberries were just about that.

I confess, I wasn’t even thinking about the strawberries when I made the claim about his relay leading to Beth. I’d totally forgotten that aspect of the strawberry theory. But if his radio relay DOES do something to bring her back, then my thoughts on the strawberries three years ago will turn out to be true. Just saying.

*clears throat* Moving on...

Traps (and more of Daryl/Henry):

I was going to include this in my Details post the other day, but then I ran it past @thegloriouscollectorlady (we bounce ideas off one another often) and her response made me think of something huge, and I knew it would need to go in a different post.

So she and I often discuss how we think that when Beth shows up, she’ll save Daryl in some way. It’s something TD in general has believed for many years, and we still think it will happen. We just don’t know what form it will take.

So I was intrigued by Daryl’s talk of traps. He told Henry the traps weren’t for animals. Just walkers. He said that was no way to die, slow and miserable like that. 

First of all, it felt like a foreshadow, and an ominous one at that. But more to the point, I also felt the traps in this episode were a callback, and I don’t just mean to Alone.

Remember in 4x16 (yes, the same episode with the flashback where Rick put the sheriff’s hat on Beth’s head) Rick showed Michonne and Carl how to make small game traps. 

He made them out of a rope, using a slip knot, so that when the animal got caught in it, it would tighten around the animal and catch them. He even showed them how to make little trails in the dirt that lead to the trap, because animals tend to blindly follow the path of least resistance. 

Now, on the one hand, this was an obvious foreshadow of Terminus. Rick, Daryl, Michonne, and Carl walked into a trap, and then went exactly where the Termites directed them with bullets aimed at their feet.

But what struck me is that the traps Daryl uses around his campsite, such as the one we see here:

And also the one Dog got caught in, are the same kind of trap Rick showed Carl and Michonne in 4x16. So you could argue it’s a major callback to S4/Terminus/when Beth went missing. But I also don’t believe that they do callbacks on the show JUST for the sake of doing the callback. That would be wasteful. They do them to show that something is still relevant or about to come back around. Therefore, every callback doubles as a foreshadow.

So what does this mean? I honestly didn’t know. That’s why I asked @thegloriouscollectorlady’s opinion: because I didn’t know what to make of it other than being a callback to 4x16 (which again is where Beth was named the new sheriff).

She wasn’t sure either, but said she thought I was right about the foreshadow. Then she said something that gave me a serious light bulb moment.

Remember that Daryl = Dog, right? (Carol asked him when he’d last eaten, and he said Dog had eaten the day before, so Dog symbolically = Daryl). Well, @thegloriouscollectorlady made the observation that, we have Dog (symbolically Daryl) in a trap, with walkers (who at this point can really only represent the Whisperers) bearing down on him. So we may have a foreshadow of Daryl being trapped and the Whisperers coming to kill him.

In this episode, Henry saves Daryl (and by extension Dog) from the walkers trying to bite him And what have we already established about Henry in this episode with all the Still/Alone callbacks?

Henry = Beth!

So I think we have a foreshadow here of Daryl being trapped in some way and in danger from the Whisperers, and BETH will save him, as Henry saved Daryl.

Think about it. We’ve all compared Henry’s foot getting caught in the trap to when it happened to Beth in Alone, right? But there’s one major difference between this scene and that one. With Beth, Daryl wasn’t in danger. He was watching her and jumped in to help when she stepped in the trap, but he wasn’t in danger himself. 

In 9x07, he was. Henry jumped in specifically to save Daryl, and we didn’t see that with Beth in Alone. So I think the reason for all the callbacks, dialogue parallels, etc. was to establish that Henry = Beth. And we have a foreshadow that Daryl will be trapped and Beth will save him.

Incidentally, this goes hand in had with my post about Black/White Dog Symbolism and the foreshadows in the Alone sequence. This is a very similar situation, also having to do with dogs (Bethyl) and walkers (Whisperers).

Of course we have no idea when this will happen. Maybe next episode. Maybe next season. But it makes me super happy and excited. Okay, that’s all for today. Who’s excited for Sunday? ;D

[jortsaaaaaaart]

Morning Star- Lucifer x Soulmate!Reader, CHP 5

chp- 5 Soulmates 

Previous- chp4   chp3   chp2   chp1

Was gonna post this one earlier but I turned 20 on Sunday and didn’t want to do anything.

The scenery surrounding you was beautiful. Acres of deep green grass stretched out as far as you could see to your left. To your right was a roaring, stoney, beach sending the scent of the ocean into the air. And in front of you. . . In front of you was your supposed soulmate, sea breeze ruffling his dirty blonde hair, the devil himself. It had been a while since you’d been so confused. And honestly at this point you were feeling completely overwhelmed. Once Lucifer had talked you off the edge of the cliff he had explained that you were, supposedly, his soulmate. Soulmate. . . Someone’s other half, who they belong to. You of course took the news about as well as he thought you would. Disbelief followed by another attempt to run away, sprinkled with some sarcasm. Lucifer had caught you again when you ran, something he promised he’d always do.

You didn’t know whether to be afraid or reassured.

“You’re going to have to talk to me eventually.” Lucifer proded. Your (E/C) stayed glued to the grass and clovers beneath you, hands picking at them absentmindedly.

“What do you want me to say?” Came your quiet response. “I don’t know how to handle any of this. I don’t even know if I believe you.”

“That’s a lie.” He hummed matter-of-factly. “Don’t look at me like that, (Y/N). You know I’m telling the truth. . . That spark between us can’t be denied.” You turned your vision away again, your glare couldn’t hold up against the calm light of his eyes. Or maybe you just didn’t want to look at him because you were afraid you’d feel what you felt every time your eyes met. That warm ache in your heart that felt alarmingly like longing.

“How did you even find me,” You asked, changing the subject.

“I’ve been keeping tabs on you ever since you were first thought into existence. . . But I started reaching out to you when I was released from my cage.”

You finally looked up. “The visions?” You asked curtley. “That was- that was you?” Lucifer nodded, looking a little too proud about something that had given you nothing but problems.

“I needed to see you but you didn’t make it easy. Even now it’s hard to get a clear picture of what’s in your head.”

“So were you the one that’s been healing me too?” You guessed, a little desperate to have all your abnormalities explained away. The devil cocked his head and you felt your heart drop.

“If I said yes would that make you less afraid of me?” He mused. “Though for something like you I’m sure you could heal yourself almost as well as I could.”

“‘Something’ like me?” You repeated. “I’m just a hunter. Hell, this is one of the only really weird things that’s ever happened to me.”

Lucifer stared at you blankly before an astonished grin split across his face. “Wait, wait, wait. . .You think you’re human?” If he was being dramatic for a reaction he’d have to settle for a furrowed brow and a disbelieving stare. “My brothers, their soulmates were mortal. Little human ants that came and went. . . But you. . . Oh he promised me you'd be special. And look at you! Half angel half human. Almost makes me forget about the eons I spent locked alone in the cage.” Your angel was obviously ecstatic at being the one to break the news.

“I’m not. . . I’m not an angel,” You stammered.

“Not a human either. You’d call it a nephilim. And honey the angels are just as disgusted with you as they are with me. That’s what’s perfect about all of this, you and me, two of heavens most wanted being destined for eachother.” You forced yourself to your feet, suddenly feeling nauseous. Lucifer didn’t bother getting up as he watched you start to pace. “Don’t worry though, you’re one of the few things my father made specifically for me. I’ll protect you from the angels. . . And after I’m done reshaping this pitiful planet there won’t be anyone left to hurt you.”

You could tell he was trying to comfort you in his own way but all this information was making your head spin. It was all too much. Lucifer. The Winchesters. Your identity. And now Lucifer wanted you to be a part of the apocalypse. This was absolutely too much to happen in the span of two days. Your brain was going a mile a minute trying to find a way out of all of this.

“You said you wanted to- needed to- take care of me. Then let me go,” You whispered, voice shaky. “Let me go home. . . I can’t be a part of this.” Lucifer stood and closed the distance between the two of you. Without breaking eye contact he reached up and cupped your face gently, smiling when you didn’t flinch away from him. You couldn’t fight the power he had over you with just a single touch, your body all but went limp in his arms when he started stroking your cheek with his thumb.

“No.” He answered so softly you almost didn’t understand him. “I’m not letting you leave me, sweetheart. I’ve waited so long for you. I’m going to keep you safe. . . Even if that means never letting you out of my sight again.”

The last thing you felt was the cool spray of the sea and his lips against your forehead as your world shifted once again.

Back in Mystic Sam and Dean were absolutely stumped by what happened. One second you were almost kissing the devil and the next you were gone. Dean was obviously overjoyed at not having to be resurrected again but it was hard to feel happy when he’d just seen another hunter vanish. They let themselves back into your apartment after searching the alley, just in case, but there wasn’t any sign of you or Lucifer. Dean thought you were dead, Sam thought it was something else.

“You didn’t see how he was looking at her,” Sam reasoned. Part of him was glad his brother hadn’t seen what he had. The devil pinning you against the wall of the alley. Him kissing you as you clung to him.

“What? Like a snack or like a new vessel?” Came Dean’s gruff reply. He was currently rummaging through your fridge for any sort of beer. As he had crudely put it ‘Dead girls can’t drink’.

“He looked at her how you look at pie. And- and, he didn’t kill you when she told him to stop.” Sam sighed as Dean gave him another doubtful glance. “Have you at least called Cas?”

“He has,” Came a deep voice after the sound of ruffling feathers. “What do we know about the girl.” Both men jumped at the sound of his voice.

“We gotta get you a bell or something, Cas.” Grumbled Dean, wiping at where he’d spilt your beer over himself.

“You called me because Lucifer kidnapped a girl, not to discuss my fashion choices. I need to know if she could be his new vessel. What is her name?”

“(Y/N) (L/N), I was thinking she could potentially be a new prophet. She was having visions for a while.” Sam explained.

Cas shook his head. “No, Chuck is the current prophet and even if he wasn’t her name isn’t on the list of present or future prophets.” He strode around the room carefully. “There are traces of an angels grace all over this apartment.” Castiel could feel tendrils of grace all over the room. On your favorite mug. The well worn spot on your couch. This grace was new to him it wasn’t from any angel he’d met in heaven or on Earth.

“Lucifer’s?” Asked Dean.

“No. This is something else. . . Do you know if she was being possessed by another angel at the time?” The boys both shared a dumbfounded look. “ . . . Well I should be able to track this grace to its source.”

“Thanks, Cas, we rea-” Sam was cut off by the sound of wings flapping. “And he’s gone.” The boys could only shrug, hoping that their friend could find you.

[whiskeyandwildfire]

Diving off the Mackinaw Bridge at 2am

(Please excuse the tardiness of this entry, I hope the content will serve as an explanation. However, first, I hope you will join me for a little afternoon poetry. If you would like, please listen to this track while reading the following poem aloud at a medium pace) 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXvi1-gjI4A&list=PLkLGtfv9wqNKKRIY95QMUZqFwe_cl3orB&index=6

Getting closer to the edge A gust of wind comes off the straights And seems to push and pull you simultaneously. 

And if you are the push I am the pull. 

Different paths to the same town Square in the middle of nothing Open past nine and closed on Sundays. 

And if you are a paddle boat On old Kitchi-Gummi I am a raft floating too far from shore And long past my bedtime. 

Crashing waves wake Us at night and no campfire story Or prescription strength anything Will bring us back down before the sun comes up. 

And if you are the sun I am the burn that comes later Unexpected, unwanted, and staying for months 

Un-welcomed like a cousin from upstate Who borrows and never returns all of your best dress socks.

Or a song overplayed that you change Or try to change before realizing Music’s all the same today And tomorrow, and next week too. 

And if you are the oboe concerto Rising and falling like a lost bird in flight I am the sound of a radio played too high 

On a passing car swerving to avoid a chipmunk That’s thinking the same thought at that moment As I am, “How the fuck did I get here?” 

And where will I be tomorrow, and tomorrow, and next week too? 

But if you are mine I am your’s And that’s all there is. 

After the push and the pull After the fall After the water wakes And the sun rises The bird takes flight And the song ends. 

After tomorrow, and tomorrow.

ENTRY - Part 1

I’m writing this as I sit next to my father, six hours in to an eight hour trip from Michigan to Pennsylvania. He’s only driven a fourth of the way and already seems tired. The road wobbles and waves beneath the car as he changes lanes without signaling. The mirror I’ve reclaimed from my Grandparents house crashes against the wheel well of the back tire. Surely it’s shattered. 

We pull off into the closest rest stop to stretch our legs, switch jobs, and check on the cargo. 

“Okay son, don’t make me nervous” he says as I adjust the mirrors and seat back from the hunched over locked in position they’re kept in for his short frame. This is also something he comments on when it’s his turn to move them back. 

My dad got into a small accident May 4th of 2019 in the car we drive in. I remember the date because it was the day after my 30th birthday. I got the call that he had slid the car into a rock pile about a block from his house. It had been raining and the brakes needed replacing anyway. 

The brake pads and rotors had been gone since winter. In Michigan, the road salt eats away at...well, everything. Down to your spirit and definitely through 4 pieces of cheap foam. 

The rain on the day of the accident wasn’t any worse than usual, and were it not for the fact that my dad was also drunk when he crashed it probably could have been avoided all together. Honestly though, when I see him sober it’s hard to tell which is better. 

All of these mitigating factors aside, as someone who was voted “Worst Driver in High School” there must be some truth to the expressed concern. Three tickets in six months earned me the title and the almost immediate three month suspension of my license backed up the claim. We won’t mention the fact that two of these tickets were thrown out and the only reason that my license was suspended was because no one would listen to what I had to say, in a large part because I didn’t know how to say it. How to defend myself in matters of the law. Looking back, and with his experiences, you would think Dad being in the court room would have helped. 

I change lanes and press down on the gas to no avail. The accelerator misses and the engine revs. 

“Don’t make me nervous, Son” 

You need to know that not only haven’t I driven in the better part of a year, but also that when I do I’m used to driving at least semi new rental cars. Cars with at least basic capability and safety measures. 

“This is not a me, problem.” I respond. “You need new brakes. You need a new car” I stop there, he’s already not listening. 

The road wobbles. The mirror crashes. 

ENTRY - Part 2 

I’m in my apartment now. Bags and luggage unpacked, father gone as quickly as possibly; never one for standing still. Mirror scratched, but in tact. Much like everything else. Little scratches that aren’t my stories to tell. Going through boxes that I collected and transported, mostly from my Mom’s. A special deck of cards, a stack of papers from school, and a present perfectly wrapped. 

My Grandpa died in 2009. It was a week before my 21st birthday, I remember this because two weeks before he said to me “ If you don’t tell your Grandma I’ll have a beer with you” Of course I had been a pretty regular consumer since I was 15, but I couldn’t stand to break his heart. 

Now, yesterday. Over 10 years later. My Grandpa had one last gift to give me. I’m opening it now. The wrapping paper is for a birthday. There’s no words written and no card. There’s a post-it already removed that says my name and that was the same for my brother and sister. I rip open the first layer and the trapped air inside is freed, blown around my entire body by the overhead fan. I can smell him in the wind. This is not just my mind either, I notice bringing the paper closer to my nose. He must have sprayed his Old Spice on the wrappings before sealing it shut. A gift inside a gift. A part of what made him back on the earth if only for a moment. Inside, a toy truck. An army transport of impressive detail. The kind of truck my Grandpa serviced in WW2. The kind of truck he fixed over and over again, under heavy fire, in a foreign country away from his wife so that he could defend all that was coming to him. Fighting for me without even knowing who I am. 

Research - Thesis

Carl Jung was a Swiss psychoanalyst who wanted an answer to the question: “Why do seemingly good people do obviously bad things?”

Jung finally devised an answer in the formulation of the shadow self, the dark side – the side that’s hidden from conscious awareness AND the side that’s metaphorically dark.

Jung’s model of the shadow arises from the human subconscious/unconscious.

“Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is. If an inferiority is conscious, one always has a chance to correct it. Furthermore, it is constantly in contact with other interests, so that it is continually subjected to modifications. But if it is repressed and isolated from consciousness, it never gets corrected.” – Carl Jung, Psychology and Religion

You see…in childhood, we are socialized to behave a certain way, to follow a certain set of rules.

As a child, you know nothing about the world, so it is the responsibility of your caretakers to teach you about the world and its written and unwritten rules. Following these allow us to “fit in” with society and operate as productive citizens and achieve some standard of worldly success. This is the socialization process.

Some of these rules are actually good because they allow a society to function, for many people to enjoy a good standard of living, and lead reasonable lives.

However, “life happens” and many people in Western society (or even the world at large) have not been trained or socialized to face discomforting things that happen in life.

SOURCE

I began this entry with the two contrasting stories to illustrate this point. In my very basic, beginning stages of trying to understand Shadow Work and the Shadow Self that it is important to recognize what behaviors or actions are that of another person, what thoughts or actions are that of you...and more deeply, it is important to recognize what thoughts or actions are yours that cause you discomfort BECAUSE you see them in others. 

Example - I don’t like when my father drinks too much because he becomes dismissive and hard to talk to.

Shadow Talk - I don’t like when I drink too much, because of the same reasons. 

Example - I don’t like when my father comments on my bad driving that is really the fault of his broken vehicle, which is the result of his poor decisions and lack of accountability. 

Shadow Talk - I don’t like when I don’t deal with problems as they arise. 

Example - I don’t like that my father can’t communicate with me. 

Shadow Talk - I don’t like that I can’t find a way to connect with him. 

* 

I also began this entry to illustrate that there are different “gifts” we can receive from people in our lives. Some positive both in the act and the outward appearance of receiving the gift and the actual gift itself, and some negative in appearance, but possibly positive in an unconsidered way. Example, being so uncomfortable and unhappy in a job that you lose interest, get fired, and only months later find your dream job because you were available to apply to it. 

Arts Education - Research and updates

I’ve been picking through a report of collected data to help prove efficacy of the Young Playwrights Lab to potential granters, specifically under the new ESSA (Every Single Student Achieves) Act that explicitly details what funding is available, what types of Arts Education programs are eligible, what kind of research or efficacy you must be able to prove, and how much money is available in that section. There are currently 10 different sections of funding. 6 of those require Title III - Title IV level research proof to apply for funding. Here are the definitions from the report. 

 Strong evidence (Tier I) comes from study reports that :  

Show statistically significant positive

intervention effects on relevant outcomes (without any statistically significant negative effects);

Meet What Works Clearinghouse (WWC) evidence standards without reservations. (What’s this thing?) 

Were conducted using a large, multisite sample (i.e., more than 350 students and more than a single school district).

 Moderate evidence (Tier II) comes from study reports that 

(a) show statistically significant positive intervention effects on relevant outcomes (without any statistically significant negative effects); 

(b)  studies that meet WWC evidence standards with reservations; 

(c) studies that were conducted using a large, multisite sample (i.e., more than 350 students and more than a single school district). (What’s different between I and II) 

 Promising evidence (Tier III) comes from study reports that (a) show statistically significant positive intervention effects on relevant outcomes (without any statistically significant negative effects), and (b) describe correlational studies with statistical controls for selection bias.

 Research-based rationale (Tier IV) evidence comes from study reports that

 (a) feature a well specified logic model informed by research or evaluation,  

(b) describe interventions that are undergoing additional research regarding their effects

Here is an example from this same report that details an acceptable logic model. 

It is my recommendation that for YPL to best take advantage of possible funding opportunities from ESSA that a new logic model should be developed from existing research that is “evidence based” as opposed to “rationale based” (Example, pre and post surveys, attendance statistics of kids participating in YPL, general test scores of those same students V. rationale based research that has more to do with facts we already know but aren’t tracking in the classrooms I.E. Art makes kids happy) 

It is also my recommendation that one or more YPL programs for this next school year be chosen as control groups to either follow, or purposefully ignore the current model to test efficacy. Having the contrast to our goal will help illustrate to possible funders the actual impact of the program. This is especially imperative as programs continue online as there might be an opportunity to raise money for a TBD in person set of classes AS WELL as writing for grants to continue the work being done online. 

(Thank you for your continued patience and attention during this hefty post) 

[h-styles-babes]

No Control | Chapter Twenty-Four

Summary: 

Micky Bennett: college student, loyal friend, aspiring nurse, One Direction fan, Harry Styles enthusiast. Her best friend, Trevor, wins tickets to a show in New Jersey with meet and greet passes. Micky expects a quick photo op with the boys and a great night at the concert with her best friend. What she gets a whole lot more than she bargained for.

To read previous chapters, you can go here.

*Please feel free to reblog and send feedback. It’s much appreciated :)*

*Gif is not mine.*

TWENTY-FOUR

Harry and I stand in the kitchen of my flat. I’m taking bites of the breakfast sandwich I never got to eat that Trev so kindly put in the fridge for me, and I’m waiting for the tea kettle to whistle. Harry’s taken a quick tour of the space and comes to stand beside me in front of the fridge. Trevor and I keep all our schedules and appointments and reminders on magnets on its surface so we’re informed about our goings-on at all times. Trev’s class and lab schedule are posted up as well as my current work schedule and any doctors appointments I’ve got coming up. Since I’m entering my final trimester, I’ve got appointments more frequently that I’ve got to keep track of, plus the yoga classes I attend a few times a week. There’s also a couple sets of ultrasound photos hanging in chronological order. I see Harry run his finger over them, tracing the outline of the baby as it develops more as the photos progress.

“When’s your next appointment?” he asks, not taking his eyes off the black and white pictures. 

I go to stand beside him and point to the calendar just under the photos, laying my finger on the specific date. “End of February,” I say.

Harry fishes his phone out of his back pocket and opens up the calendar on his phone. I try not to peek at his phone over his shoulder, since it’s none of my business, so I go to fetch some mugs out of the cabinets over the sink.  

“Does Trev usually go with you?”

I nod. “If he doesn’t have class. Otherwise I go by myself.”

“I’ve got nothing going on that day if you’d like some company,” he offers, somewhat hesitantly. He’s tugging his bottom lip between his finger and thumb in that little habit he has that I find entirely too endearing. 

“You’re more than welcome if you’d like to come, Harry,” I tell him, glancing up at him from where I’m placing the teabags in the cups. “Use your big boy words, Styles,” I tease.

He huffs and rolls his eyes at me playfully. “I’d like to come with you to your next appointment.”

I smirk at him. “It’s at one that afternoon. I don’t work on Wednesdays.”

“We can go for lunch and then go to your appointment,” he offers.

“You’re okay with that?” I ask. “People seeing us together again?”

“We’re having a baby. It’s inevitable at this point,” he assures. He grabs his hand with mine and pulls me to him, wrapping his arms around my waist. 

“I know you like your privacy, H.”

“My privacy just got trumped by making sure you and the little bean are okay. We’ll deal with all the shit that comes along with it as we go. We’ve done it before, we’ll do it again.”

“Little Bean?” I question over a slight laugh.

“Has she got a name yet?” he asks with a raised brow and a slight quirk to his lips.

“No.”

“Then she will remain Little Bean until she gets a name,” he says with a decisive nod.

“Do you want her to be Styles?” I ask as the kettle begins whistling. I move to turn it off and grab a towel to handle the hot pot.

“As long as that’s okay with you.” He rests his hand on my low back, taking the kettle from my hand with his other. “I’d love if she had my last name.”

“I’d like her to have your name, Harry. Styles is a lot nicer than Bennett, anyway,” I joke. I grab a spoon from the drawer and fish the bags out of the mugs, draining them of their left over liquid.

“She’s gotta have a cool name though. With a mum named Micky Starr and a dad who’s name already sounds made up for career purposes, she needs to have a rockstar name.”

“What a batch of names she has to compete with,” I laugh out, handing him his mug. I lead him into the living room, curling up into the corner of the couch. The telly was turned off long ago, before Trevor left for the library, and I scroll through my phone to find a playlist to set up for some background noise. The sound system, that’s hooked up wirelessly to my phone, starts playing some Pink Floyd, making both Harry and I grin. 

“There’s some things we need to discuss,” Harry says after a few moments of silence between us and a few sips of tea. 

I nod behind by mug, gripping it snugly between my hands. The flat is still relatively cool for the mid afternoon. It must be an unusual seasonably cool day here, which is a relief for once. It makes me miss England, though, and I start half-planning my next trip home. I’m hoping that I can make Easter happen.

“I don’t have anything planned right now, work-wise,” he begins. He absently runs his finger over the rim of the cup and taps his other fingers around the base, his rings clinking against the ceramic. “Making myself bored, and all that. I wanna get back in the studio at some point, maybe not for a while, though.”

“I sense a ‘but’ coming,” I say with raised brows.

He nods. “But I’m planning to move back to London pretty much full time at some point. Not any time really soon, but probably by the end of the year.”

I shrug. “I’m not committed to America, Harry. I only stayed here because they offered me a job right away. I’d actually really like to raise her in England, if I can. Want to be close to family, honestly. Parents have been begging me to come back home for a few months now.” 

“I just don’t want it to be a problem for you with your job,” he counters. He pulls his long legs up onto the couch, stretching them out until his feet are tucked gently against my leg. Seems impossible that I forgot Harry’s need to show affection constantly, but I’m certainly not  about to start complaining about it.

I shake my head. “Not a problem. You’d be surprised the turnover rate for new nurses in hospitals. It takes us a while to figure out where we want to be. Unlike doctors who’ve had a few years practicing already before they’re hired on. It won’t be a problem for me to relocate. I’ll have to get registered in England, but that’s pretty easy.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to have to turn your life upside down because of this.”

“Harry, we’re having a baby. It’s not practical to have her parents living on two separate continents. And England’s my home; I was gonna end up back there anyway,” I assure. I wrap one hand around his ankle, slightly surprised at how soft the material of his jeans is, though I shouldn’t be because I’m pretty sure he’s worn the same pair for years. They’re probably more than worn in by now. “Would you want to be in London or go back to Manchester?”

“Ideally, I’d like to work at the children’s hospital in London, so that would be where I’d settle. I don’t want to make raising her too hard on either of us.”

He’s quiet for a few moments, looking into his tea as he swirls it gently in his hands. When he looks back up at me, there’s a slightly stiff set to his eyebrows. “You know I’m gonna go back to work eventually, right? Like, I’m not always gonna be around like a normal dad. As much as I’d love to just settle down, I’ve still got a career.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything different, Harry,” I say with a nod. I give a gentle squeeze where I still have my hand on his leg. “I would never ask you to drop your career. I know how important it is to you. We’ll figure it out,” I promise. “Do you know how many really famous celebrities have families? Loads, and they all seem to make it work just fine.”

Harry sighs and takes a moment before he nods. “Yeah, I know. Just can’t help but stress about it.”

“Talk to your mum,” I suggest. “I’m sure it’ll make you feel better. Know how close you are to her.”

“When are you free?” he asks.

I chuckle. “Never really. Only got Sundays and Wednesdays off.”

“How soon can you get a few days off?” he persists. “I want you to come with me when I tell my mum.”

I really try to suppress my grimace, but I don’t think that works out so well. “You think that’s a good idea? You don’t want to do that by yourself? Not that I don’t love your mum, but I don’t know how much she’s gonna like me now.”

“She still asks about you,” he admits quietly. 

“What?” I ask, my brows furrowing at this revelation. 

He nods, fingers coming up to pull at his bottom lip. “She proper pouted for a week straight when I told her we’d lost touch. Even now she asks about you, hoping I’ll tell her I’ve spoken to you again. When we went on vacation over the holidays, she pouted some more. She didn’t say anything, ‘cause she’s so nice, but I could tell she was upset about who we were with the entire time.”

I don’t acknowledge that he’s purposely left out any names from his statement, but I appreciate it, not wanting to have that twinge in my stomach all over again at hearing her name on his lips. He hasn’t said anything about whether or not they’re still together, and I have gone out of my way to not see any news on him in the last few months, so I’m not quite sure. I’m not about to ask, though, because I don’t really want the answer. 

“Well…” I start, “I’ll go with you if you want me to, Harry. Could use a visit to my parents, as well. I can get a few days off in a row next week, maybe. I’ll have to talk to my charge nurse, but it should be doable.” 

“When will you know?”

“Tomorrow when I go back,” I tell him. 

He nods. “I’ll have to get Jeff to do some scheduling, but we should be able to get a flight rather easily.” 

I don’t know Jeff Azoff personally, obviously, but I recognize his name and know that he’s Harry’s new manager, as well as that his father is pretty influential in the business. I also know his girlfriend is really pretty, but that’s neither here nor there.  

“I can probably get, like, a Saturday, Sunday, Monday off.”

Harry’s phone chimes, and he picks it up off the coffee table. “Speak of the devil,” he mutters, and I assume that Jeff’s just texted him. Harry types out a reply as he sighs. “I’ve got a early dinner date to get to, Jeff’s just reminded me. Need to be in Beverly Hills in two hours and gotta stop at home to change first.” He rises from the couch and grabs both of our now-empty mugs to take to the kitchen. “I’m sorry to leave like this.”

I rise to follow him. “It’s alright, not a big deal,” I argue. When I walk up behind him to take over rinsing out the mugs, he abruptly turns, nearly bumping into me. I startle a little as he hands me his phone, unlocked and open.

“Put your number in, yeah? Need to be able to get ahold of you again.” 

I nod and take the phone from him, quickly inputting my number and saving it under my full name. I consider putting ‘Baby Mumma’ in parentheses next to it, but think better of it, not wanting anyone to see it that shouldn’t. I don’t know how Harry’s going to deal with this with his team or other people in the industry, and I don’t want to push him into something before he’s ready. I hit the save button and hand it back to him. He immediately takes it and types something out. As soon as he puts his phone back in his pocket, I hear mine chime across the room.

“Text me as soon as you know if you were able to get the days off so I can get Jeff on making arrangements,” he reminds me. He winds an arm around my shoulders and pulls me into his side, placing his other hand on my belly. After dropping a smacking kiss to the top of my head, he says, “I’d stick around, but you don’t really cancel on the Crawford-Gerber family.”

My eyes widen as I twist my head to look up at him. “As in Cindy Crawford and Rande Gerber?” He nods and I snort out a laugh. “I forget that you’re famous sometimes. Hanging out with other famous people. So weird.”

“I like that you forget,” he admits, his smile goofy. He leans down and presses a kiss to the tip of my nose. “Now, I really gotta go. I’ll text you. Feel free to text me whenever you want. You’re priority, now.”

I nod. “Will do. Have fun at dinner, Harry.”

He smiles and presses one more kiss to my forehead. “I’ll see you later, Micky.”

When Trev gets home from the library, I tell him about telling Harry and the chat about what we’re gonna do we had afterward. Over dinner, Trev tells me he thinks it’s a good idea for me to go back to England with Harry for a few days to talk to his family and visit mine. Even though the trip is contingent on me getting the time off of work, he thinks it won’t be a big deal because of the circumstances. I just hope he’s right so Harry doesn’t have to go break the news to his family alone. 

At work the next day, I do my rounds and catch up with the doctors before going to Leslie, our charge nurse. I tell her the watered down version of the situation and ask for just a few days off around my already scheduled day off. Being the sweetheart she is, she tells me she’ll try her hardest to get some people to cover my shifts on those days and she’ll be back to me after lunch. I thank her with a big hug and a rushed line of thanks. She brushes me off with a chuckle, a slap to my bum with the tablet in her hand and a playful bark at me to get back to work. 

After a rushed lunch break because one of my poor babies starts puking violently partway through my break, I slump into a chair at the nurse station after giving him some meds to settle his stomach and an order through to the pathology department to run some tests. I’m alone for a few minutes, so I do some charting to keep myself caught up. I’m part way through typing up the tests that were ordered for my patient when Leslie comes bouncing up to me.  

“Guess who got your Saturday and Monday shifts covered in about ten seconds flat?” she asks, a smug look on her face.

“Are you serious?” I ask, jumping up from my seat. “Leslie, you’re the best!”

“I know.” She sassily flips her auburn hair.

“Thanks. I’m gonna text someone real quick,” I let her know. I didn’t tell her who the father of my baby is to keep his privacy, and she’s nice enough to respect mine when I was telling her about the situation.

She nods with a little smile. “I need to talk to Dr. Gallagher real quick. Take the rest of your break. I know you got called back for the code.”

“Thanks.” I take out my phone from my scrubs pocket as she walks away with a little wave over her shoulder. I send a quick text to Harry letting him know that I got the days off. He texts back a few minutes later with a smiley face and a promise that he’s already got Jeff working on it. He says he’ll text me when he knows the details and asks if he can see me on my next day off. I agree and click my phone off just as an alarm starts going off throughout the floor, indicating that there’s a code blue happening somewhere. 

I jump up when I hear that the room is one of my patient’s. Even though I can’t do anything to help as far as compressions go, I’m still more than capable of bagging and injecting medications into IV lines if need be. 

After a stressful thirty minutes, and successfully getting my patient back, I slump into an on call room to take a cat nap between then and my next rounds. The rest of my day is decidedly less exciting, and when I get home that night it’s to a hot cup of tea, fresh Chinese takeout, and a nice shoulder massage from my best friend. 

Trevor has been amazing this entire pregnancy, and I don’t know where I’d be if I didn’t have him by my side. When I first found out I was pregnant, he was in the waiting room, having driven me because I was so exhausted from puking at all hours of the day. When I broke down in tears and started hyperventilating in the exam room, the nurse called Trevor back and I brokenly told him the news. He held me, all curled up on the exam table, my tears and snot completely soaking through his t-shirt. It took him twenty minutes and soft humming to get me to calm down enough to get me out of the doctor’s office and to his car. When we got back to his house, he ran me a bath, made me a cup of tea similar to the one that’s in my hands now, and handed me my cell phone with a pointed look. 

After my failed calls to Harry and the breakdown after that one, Trevor was my rock. He’s gone with me to all the appointments he can, has made sure I’ve taken all my vitamins, made sure I’ve tightened up my diet, and has religiously read all those parenting books about the different stages of pregnancy. Once I could get into being excited about being a mother, he took to proudly proclaiming that he was going to be an uncle to anyone who would listen. When we went to go visit my parents at the holidays, he gushed with my parents and Georgie over the ultrasound photos I brought from my recent appointment. He’s been the best through all of this. He made it so I wasn’t too hung up on the fact that Harry wasn’t around the entire time.

“Have I told you how much I love you, recently?” I ask, dropping my head back to look up at him as he works his knuckles into the tops of my shoulders. 

“Yeah, but I still like to hear it,” he says with a smile. He drops down to press a kiss to my forehead. “Love you too, Micky. You too, Baby Bennett.” He kisses his fingers and presses them to my tummy. 

“Baby Styles,” I correct.

His eyebrows shoot up over the frames of his glasses. “Oh? Left that part out of your description of what happened yesterday.”

I shrug. “Didn’t come up. We had a chat about names. Agreed the baby would have his last name.”

“And no talk about first names?” he asks, sounding outraged. “We’re closing in on your due date, Mick! We need names! At least narrow it down to a few!”

I laugh at his seeming panic. “We’ve still got eleven-ish weeks. Calm down.”

“You sit Harry down and hammer it out for some names, or I’ll be taking over at the hospital when they ask what the name is. I’ll fill out the damn birth certificate paperwork if I have to, Micky, I swear to God.”

I swat at him with my hand. “Chill out, Trev. We’ll figure it out, promise. We’ve got this trip to England to talk things out some more. I promise to at least get a few names out of it.”

He gives me a pursed lip look, eyebrows still raised. “You better. Or we’re gonna have problems.”

“Go to bed, Trev,” I joke.

He drops his hardened look and smiles softly at me. He drops one more kiss to my forehead. “Goodnight, Mick.”

“Goodnight, Trev.”

TWENTY-FIVE