#specifically because it would stress me out and because I thought I’d fail

[obstinaterixatrix]

I really am a guy who goes like ‘I’ve had it too good for too long [steps on a rake]’

[descendantsramblings]

Hi :)) idk if you’re accepting requests but I was just thinking…

I remembered that Hook canonically went to Eaton College, which is a pretty prestigious university, so he must actually be really fricking smart. I wish I knew what he studied tho :/ So anyway, I was hoping maybe you would write something (preferably x reader?) where he surprises everyone with his intelligence? I feel like the other VKs probably don’t actually know just how clever he is and would be taken off guard to realise it. I don’t have any specific situations in mind but I’d really like to see maybe reader acknowledge and recognise him as more than the pretty rebel he lets everyone see him as

I’m always accepting requests, it’s so fun getting to make things for someone, and it’s great writing practice. I’m almost done with all the ones I have, keep them coming 🩵

I love secretly smart characters, making a right old Evie out of him right now. I love him. (I had so many tabs open to get this right, so so many. I did Chemistry for the gag but it wasn’t worth the gag.)

Studious

James Hook x VK!Reader

Pronouns used: they/them/theirs

Summary: If it means that much to his partner, Hook can be a bit of a tutor

Warnings: pet names, swearing, sexual references, high school chemistry (Like the actual class that made me cry when I was a student), does sword fighting need a trigger warning?, Or fake moaning? Hook's partner making a joke about him having a thing for Morgie, Uliana almost makes a potion explode

Word Count: 3.5K

      Nervous fingers are shuffling through flashcards as the pirate walks into their dorm. His smirk being accompanied by raised eyebrows as he leans on the door frame, taking in the sight. They have their textbook and notebook spread out across the floor, sitting cross legged between the two. Pens and highlighters strewn around them and an empty notebook and study guide directly before them. (Y/n) is staring at them with a pout and wide eyes, huffing as they drop the flash cards beside them. “This is fucking ridiculous,” the words are barely a mumble, popping the knuckles on stressed hands as they say it. They stretch their shoulders back as well before reaching back down for the collection of brightly colored cardstock. 

   “Since when do you have to study, wizkid?” The words make their head shoot up, staring at the boy they hadn’t noticed had entered. “Since Chemistry is kicking my ass, I have to pass this exam or I’m going to fail the class again. If I fail it twice this year I won’t have enough credits to be a senior next year,” their voice is far too fast, rambling on as they reach back down for their study guide. “I thought you exempted all your exams,” he tilts his head as he speaks, watching them shuffle their cards for the third time since he made his way into the room. “Yeah, well I bombed my last two tests -like fifty-two and thirty-five level bombed- and all the As and Bs I have on experiments can’t save me there. So either I make an A on this exam or I fail the entire class for the second time. I am so royally screwed.” With a sigh, Hook makes his way over to the villain on the floor, falling to sit before them with crossed legs and an outstretched hand. “Give me the cards.” “No, I seriously need to study, James. I cannot go do whatever Uli sent you in here  for right now.” 

   He scoffs, leaning forward to snatch the cards from their loose grip on them. “I can come see my partner just because I want to be around them, you know. I don’t always have to be doing something for the group. I do enjoy your company, wouldn't be your boyfriend otherwise.” Dark eyes widen mockingly with raised brows as he finished the sentiment, head shaking in a near-bratty manner. He flips through the cards, letting his eyes ghost over the words and formulas. This was basic chemistry. He did this his sophomore year, he could probably do it in his sleep. “Even then, James, I really need to study. I cannot fail this again.” He lets his eyes cut up to them, a smirk still present across his pouty lips. “Oh of course you do, I can’t have my partner as a super senior. That’s just embarrassing for us both,” he drops the cards into his lap, reaching over for their study guide. He flips it over a time or two, barely reading it. 

  “Okay,” they draw out the word, reaching out to snatch their cards back from where they rest on his thigh, “Then let me study. Really, Honey, can’t you go harass Morgie or Bridget or something?” “Why harass them when my favorite person is right here struggling with the easiest subject ever? That’s much better material.”  (Y/n) scoffs, looking up at him from their flashcards. James is too busy looking over the back of their study guide to give them so much as a second glance, but his face holds this cocky expression. As if the boy is challenging them to snap back. “The easiest subject ever? As if. I bet you got a B in there at absolute best. I need more than a B on this to pass.” “I actually finished Chemistry One with a perfect score and finished AP Chemistry Two with a ninety-nine percent, since you’re asking.” He drops the papers into his lap, raising an eyebrow with the same challenging look in his eye as when he’s sparring against them. His hand shoots out for the cards again, flipping it from the one that they had been looking at and giving it a sparing glance. Eyes cutting back up to his partner just as quickly as they cut down, “Now, what is the definition of an intensive property?” 

    So they’re really doing this? (Y/n) guesses they shouldn’t argue, they do need the help. And if James is anywhere near as good as he says, this might be their best bet. “An intensive property is,” they let their eyes dart around the room, as if the decor on their walls would hold the answer. “Come on now, Love. Don’t draw it out. What’s an intensive property?” They bite their lip, looking down to their empty lap, “An intensive property is a property which does not rely on the amount of matter present.” A golden hook comes into their line of sight, tucking under their chin to lift their head up. When they look at Hook, he’s inches away from them, “Okay, and what are examples of an intensive property?” The hook beneath their chin moves, the sharp edge barely hovering below their skin. No looking away this time, that was a silent command for their eyes on him. “Boiling and melting points, density, and,” they snap their fingers, dragging out the one syllable word as they think. “And? Come on now, you know this.” “And,” they lock eyes with him, by god those brown eyes were captivating. It was like they were electric, sparking with some sense of excitement and pride that they couldn’t understand. Electric, that’s something right? Electricity isn’t a property of something though, but it seemed right. Why does it seem right? What did electricity have to do with intensive properties? “Conductivity,” they subconsciously cross the fingers on their right hand, staring into their boyfriend’s eyes with a longing to be correct. He nods, pulling them forward slightly. James kisses them with a feather light touch, smiling against their lips as they attempt to draw him closer. “See, I knew you knew it.” 

   They don’t get to respond before he’s drawing back, completely withdrawing his touch as he flips to the next card, dropping “intensive properties” to his lap. “What’s an atomic number?”  “What? No, what was that? You barely kissed me,” they’re pouting, reaching out for a jaw that’s pulling away from them. “What’s an atomic number?” He raises his eyebrows as he speaks, pulling further away as they get on their knees to chase his fleeting lips, “If you want to kiss me you have to answer the question.” “The number of neutrons in an atom's nucleus. Now kiss me again,” they’re fully perched on their knees now, leaning over him as he leans back to get away. James makes a loud noise similar to the sound of a buzzer going off, dropping the card in his hand and using them to cover his mouth. “What is an isotope?” (Y/n) falls back with a huff, completely discouraged as they stare with gaped lips, “What? Where’s my kiss?” 

     He pulls the cards down to smirk over the neon green paper, “I don’t reward wrong answers.” “I wasn’t wrong!” “You were, it’s not the neutrons in the nucleus but what?” A frown crosses the villain’s lips, shoulders slumping as they realize what they’d done. “Protons.” He nods, humming as he raises his brows, “Okay, new question, what’s an isotope?” “You’re awful, this is awful.”  “What’s an isotope?” They rise back up on their knees with a smirk, “What about, one kiss when I correct myself, two kisses when I’m right the first time?” He shakes his head, rolling his eyes as he does, “How about you tell me what an isotope is?” “Oh come on,” they’re whining, a hand wrapping around his hook. “Come on and answer the question.” His brows are raised, watching them pout. With wide eyes and batted lashes they let a hand trail up from metal to leather, slowly making its way up to his shoulder. “Captain, won’t you please give me a kiss? I want one so bad. I need your lips.” In any other circumstance that would work, it always worked. But James was already glowing as he looked over notecards, shaking his head with his smirk far more of a smile than normal. “That’s not going to work this time, Love. Now answer the question.” This might just be his new torture method, and by god is it working. (Y/n) was going to go crazy if they didn’t get what they wanted soon. 

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

   As a pirate, Hook was no stranger to drawing out torture, but he couldn’t stand to sit still for long. His love of chemistry and watching the gorgeous villain in front of him squirm could only keep him bound to one place for so long until he felt as if he might be going stir crazy. Which is how they ended up in a clearing in the woods, standing in a wide stance with swords balanced in their hands. Iron making a sharp “X” between them as they press against one another.  The ravenous look in (Y/n)’s eyes surely matched the crazed look in his, smirks present on either villain’s lips. They made one hell of a sparring partner, he’d learned that the day they met. Never took much to get the two of them alone like this either, the boy longed for the other villain’s sportsmanship. A worthy opponent was hard to come by outside of Neverland, and his lover looked so good while sword fighting that he struggled to focus. Now though, as he spits out questions they struggle to follow, it seems like they knew how he normally felt. 

    They might have quick feet and strong arms, but their pretty mind is making them lag behind. Each time their swords would cross, he’d spurt out a new question, holding them hostage until they could find an answer he saw as fitting. Each wrong answer was met with a strike to their left, correct answers with a strike to their right. They’d start a new battle, clashing metal and devious laughter until one of them could find the other pinned once again. It was the most fun he’d had in years, that annoyed little pout on their face with each new question seemed to only make the game all the more fun. “What’s the atomic number of gold?” “Hook,” despite their tense body language, the name comes out on a whine, pout growing more than the boy thought was possible. “It is gold, yes, now what would its atomic number be?” He’s chuckling to himself and he awaits their response. Their eyes flicker around him, lip between their teeth. “Seventy-nine.” He jumps back from them, sword striking out at their right side. The motion is caught by their own sword while (Y/n) lets out a giggle. 

   “I got it right!” They use their sword to force the tip of his away, turning their body to the left as they strike out above his left shoulder. “That you did, Love,” he swings to the right with a smile, bringing his sword up to push against theirs. He twists his body, gaining the upper hand as he pushes against them. (Y/n) is cringing, realizing how close they were to being cornered by him again. How could they let themself get so distracted? He’s pushing them back, and though they push forward, their sword slides down again, both villains ending up eye to eye with a new iron cross section between them. “You made that too easy,” James smirks, looking them up and down. “I didn’t, you just, that question threw me off. I don’t even know how I knew the answer.” He shakes his head, “You can’t let yourself get thrown off in a sword fight love. Your other opponents might not be as forgiving as me.” He leans over the swords for a moment, pecking their lips before he squares his shoulders back. 

   Hook’s resistance was always strong and unforgiving in a fight, even when he allowed himself a moment of calm in the storm he created. The boy pushes harder on their swords, smirking at his lover as he raises an eyebrow. “What’s a homogeneous mixture?” There’s this flicker of something in his partner’s eyes. A giggle escaping their lips as they smile at him, head tilting to the side. “Isn’t that what you and Morgie are?” He pushes rougher against them, feeling the way their laughter shakes the sword in their iron grip. “Very funny, Darling. Now answer the question, unless you want to walk the plank,” he’s stepping closer, their swords sliding ever so slightly straighter against each other. “You wouldn’t dare, you love me too much.” He hums, shaking his head, “Positive? According to you, I love Morgie, so which is it?” 

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

     “You two are late,” she doesn’t look up from her cauldron as she speaks, Uliana automatically knows who’s wandering in by their footsteps. The sounds are perfectly in sync, heavy pairs of boots falling in time as if they moved as one. When the two become visible in the hideout, their faces are red with a sweat sheen across their foreheads. Hook’s arm adoringly around (Y/n)’s waist as they lean against him,  the clothing of both teens ruffled from the movements they’d made while jousting. It’s cozy, needy, and the couple’s appearance quickly attracts the attention of Morgie and Hades. Both boys look to their friends with a smirk, cutting each other a sparing glance before turning back. “What have you two been up to?” Hades gives them a once over taking in how Hook’s shirt had come untucked and the wrinkles in the hem of (Y/n)’s top. “Been helping (Y/n) study for chemistry,” Hook shrugs, falling into a chair and pulling his partner down into his lap. Warm arms encapsulate the villain as they lean into his touch, smiling as his head settles on their left shoulder. A kiss being pressed to the shell of their ear earning the boy a hum.

     The sound of Hades laughing fills the room, his eyes rolling in their sockets, “Yeah, I’m sure you have been.” Hook can tell where this is going from a mile away, especially with the gorgeous look of exhaustion taking over his lover’s face. Relaxed muscles that are hidden behind heat blushed flesh. Sweat shines on their forehead and neck while their eyelids hang lower than normal. (Y/n) always looked tired and blissed out after a good duel, smiling lazily as they cling to him. He knew how they looked, and with the genuine topic at hand it definitely seemed like Hook had done nothing more than making an innuendo. If he was honest, part of him hoped that the boys thought it was an innuendo, tutoring just wasn’t his style. “We were, Hades. Excellent study session, actually. Of course, (Y/n) has always been the smartest person I know.” The god raises his brows, smirk growing as he turns to Morgie, “You don’t say. Morgie, I bet you overhear a lot of those study sessions, don’t you?” The sorcerer smirks right back, an evil glint resting in his eyes, “Oh yeah, I think the last one was English though. Studying a poem maybe?” 

    (Y/n) feels Hook’s hand sneak onto their thigh as the boys talk, an amused smirk resting on their face. He lets his fingers spread, taking up as much of the plush part of their leg as he can. “Really, Morgie? Why would you say that?” Hades is letting his eyes flicker between the overly cozy couple and Morgie as he speaks, watching for tell-tale signs that the villains were flustered. “Oh you know, I just recognized the opening line,” his finger taps his chin as he speaks, “What was it again? Oh yeah!” Morgie’s face falls to mimic a blissed out expression, hand gripping on his chest as he speaks on a nearly pornographic moan, “Oh Captain, my Captain!” Hades and Morgie fall into each other’s sides laughing, the noise they’re making earning an annoyed scoff from a preoccupied Uliana. “If you two idiots could make yourself useful, that would be great,” she’s turning, grabbing a vial of rattlesnake venom from a shelf. 

   “Study session isn’t over, Love,” Hook’s voice is soft, plush lips moving against the shell of their ear as he whispers. His words lead to them whining, head falling back against his shoulder as they pout. “My head is too full, Baby. I’ve had enough.” He chuckles, kissing their cheek as his finger moves across their thigh in an “S” shape. “Tell me the element,” he whispers, repeating the shape across their leg. “Sulfur,” they mumble, eyes focusing in on the way Uliana moves. He kisses their shoulder, “Good job.” He draws a circle next. “Oxygen.” Another kiss falls on their shoulder. It becomes a pattern. He’d draw the symbol of an element on their thigh, they would tell him the name of it. The shape repeats until they get it right, ones they got correct on the first try lead to them being rewarded with a kiss to the shoulder or neck. 

    Somewhere, though it’s partially tuned out by the pirate and his lover, Morgie is explaining what Uliana is up to.  Something about making a potion to sneak into Charming’s food, apparently he spilt Uliana’s drink all over her when she was leaving a coffee shop. Some sort of spell to make the boy clumsy enough to spill everything on himself for twenty four hours. (Y/n) can’t focus on that, not with the way that James is tracing a “Y” on their inner thigh. What element’s symbol was “Y”? “You’re making that up,” they mumble and he shakes his head against them in response. “Think harder.” “It’s too hard to think when you’re doing it there,” the words come out in a hiss, eyes cutting over their shoulder to see the smirk on his face. “Try harder then, Love.” 

   Maleficent makes her way past them, holding a little vial of something as she does. “It took forever to find this shit in the AP Chem room, just so you know. Better be worth the trouble.” Uliana scoffs, reaching an arm out for it, “It will be.” Hades and Morgie stand up to follow the dark pixie, the god cutting James and (Y/n) a look. His eyes zero in on Hook’s hand, laughing softly, “God, Hook, you are just insatiable.” The pirate winks at him over (Y/n)’s shoulder, kissing their shoulder as they softly mumble, “Yttrium.” “Good job,” he coos, letting his eyes follow the other villains. Maleficent said she’d taken something from the chem room, what is it?     “What you got there, Mali?” She turns to smirk at Hook, “Finishing ingredient to the potion. Though, it looks like we could have just got it off of (Y/n). What have you been doing to them to have them sweating like that, Hook?” His brows furrow, looking at the vial of powder in Uliana’s hand as she stands dangerously close to the fire-heated cauldron. They could get it from (Y/n)’s sweat? What could she be- his blood runs cold as Uliana goes to pull the stopper out of the bottle.

  “Uliana, don’t!” He’s throwing a very startled (Y/n) off of his lap as he jumps up, running towards the group. “What, you have a soft spot for Charming now?” He’s shaking his head furiously as he reaches out for the vial. “You can’t put that in there right now. It needs to cool.” Her  arms cross, holding the vial away from his panicked hand. “What are you talking about?”  Dark eyes stay trained on the vial, shaking his head as he speaks, “That’s sodium, right? That’s what the joke about the sweat means?” She nods, a brow raised as she waves a hand for him to hurry up and explain himself. “So, you cannot add heat to sodium.” “People add heat to salt all the time, Hook. We’ll be fine.”  She’s not listening, she never listens.

   “It’s not salt, Uli. Sodium is only half of salt.” “The other half is chlorine,” (Y/n) calls out from the other side of the room. And Hook smiles slightly, giving them a thumbs up behind his back. “So what, you’re saying that I can’t use it?” Uliana is obviously growing tired of him, but there seems to be a gear turning in Maleficent's head. “Not with heat, unless you don’t like having eyebrows,” Hook shakes his head, an arm once again reaching out for the vial. “Are you threatening me?” He groans, dragging his hand down his face, “Fine Uliana, add heat to Sodium and make it explode. Explode with it for all I care. It’s your funeral.”  Hades looks between the two, watching Hook storm away from them as he extinguishes the fire under the cauldron. “Uliana, just let it cool. Hook, you two were actually studying chemistry?” He scoffs, waving him off, “I am more than a pretty face, Hades.” “But, you were all tired and sweaty?” “Made me answer questions while we were sword fighting,” (Y/n) shrugs. “But, his hand moving on your inner thigh?” “Tracing atomic symbols on their thigh,” Hook shrugs, reaching out for his partner who walks into his arms with a giggle. They were actually studying? Who in their right mind studies like that? Not that Hades has ever thought the couple were in their right mind.

[amethystfairy1]

I rewrote my novel. Admittedly I deleted it because it felt like it was me ranting and you wouldn’t enjoy it, but it made me feel good that you wanted to read a random person’s analysis.

To get out of the way first is the potential wild card invisible stalker. I saw some people speculating it was Mumbo because that seems like a rogue ability, but there’s no reason for him to have been stalking this group he barely knows instead of be with his own. I think it’s a new character, which you didn’t tag either for spoilers or because they don’t truly appear in this story. The latter is my guess, and their purpose is to be another thing hanging over Gem’s group as they go into the fight. As to who they are, because of that recent post on spoilers and the ninja thing, I’m going to guess Etho. The “why” for whoever it is is “to be revealed” information.

Next, the bird reunion. Based on that summary, they have to fight and it’ll definitely be intense. My guess is either during the pre-fight banter between the others or when they first come in contact and a failed sneak attack, the twins will recognize each other, hesitate, but go into the fight anyway because that’s what their friends/masters want. Major cognitive dissonance. I predicted one would get the upper hand and almost, but not quite, finish the other, but more specifically I think Grian will beat Pearl because she’s still injured. If I was writing it, he’d notice the injury, target it because that’s what a good killer does, and simultaneously hate himself for it. And then more delicious angst because a good avian would finish her off, but he can’t do it.

Meanwhile, I think Gem would be fighting the other two. She says in the first chapter that she’s low on magic, but she’s scary enough without the spirits. If I had to guess, I’d say she could normally solo everyone in the other group (not without difficulty, but would win in the end), but it would be the combination that could get her. Scar is also running low on magic, but we don’t know how the two compare. I don’t think we’ve seen Scar fight without magic either, so he could quickly empty his reserves. Mumbo is a very scary opponent and has the element of surprise, but I’m not sure how he’d stack up in a brawl. Judging by that summary of him nearly dying, I’m not optimistic. Scar has previously detected enemies with the spirits, but it’d be interesting to see if another nature elf can go undetected with their own magic. Then it’d be up to Grian to notice them when they’re pretty close, if he’s in a state of mind to do so effectively.

Speaking of state of mind, that was just them physically. Mentally no one is doing well. Mumbo and Scar are worried about Grian and are probably mulling over the target they painted on their backs. Gem is stressed out about the stalker, always worried about Pearl, and her guilt and frustration are turning to rage. That could all cloud her fighting abilities, but so could that empathy she’s trying to shut down. Recognizing Mumbo could give her pause, as could seeing Pearl in Grian and herself in the other boys. A vision just came to me of Grian using his wings to protect one of them from Gem and that causing her to stop. I could also see her stopping if she thought Pearl was about to die again. Both sides would stop if one of the avians admitted they’re siblings, but I can’t see them forcing that information out in the middle of a fight. I think the fight will end with one side recognizing themselves in the other and choosing not to continue. Then we can get a more wholesome birb reconnecting.

The thing I’m less sure about is Impulse and Skizz. I don’t quite know if they’d even participate in the fight or how that would go. I can easily see Impulse deciding not to participate because it’s not his job and he wants to protect Skizz, or him going with the group and being worried about Pearl with this job. If they do participate, that weighs things more in the favor of the Soup Group. From what we’ve seen, Impulse is strong and can tear through normal adventurers. Of course the boys are much stronger, but I’d expect him to hold his own. Skizz is a little more tricky. If he fully fights, I’d expect he’d be a beast. He was nearly retained, so he had serious skills, the only concern would be how much fighting he’s done since being sold. Granted, that didn’t seem to hold Grian back. I doubt Skizz’s heart would be in this fight though, and he’d be looking more to see if Impulse will die or if he can kill him. That won’t happen of course. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if a moment comes and Skizz either saves Impulse or doesn’t take the kill, and later has to ask himself why.

So, yeah. That’s my thoughts on what I think is being set up for this story. You don’t have to respond to this. Now I know that even if you don’t, you still enjoyed it. I look forward to seeing if I’m right or be proven wrong. Doubt I’ll be disappointed either way.

I

LOVED

THIS

SO MUCH

RAHHHHHHH

This is so so so so sooooo cool!?

Obviously I'm not gonna super in-depth respond to any of your predictions because I don't wanna give any tells because spoilers but I need you to know that I LOVED THIS.

I WAS BEAMING THE ENTIRE TIME I READ IT

It just makes me SO happy that my stories have the moving parts that make someone able to think it through and come up with theories about what's gonna happen, and that you enjoy the story enough to do so just makes me so very glad! Thank you so much for retyping your novel because I ADORED IT and I will be saving it and I love it very very very much!!!

I'm so glad you're looking forward to this fic, I have so much planned and lots is gonna happen, I'm just SO excited to share it all and it's so wonderful to see everyone is trying to figure out what's gonna go down!

Thank you thank you thank you for sharing!!! 💖💖💖

[girl-named-matty]

Do you have any headcanons for Professor Sharp, including his boggart? Sorry about spamming your asks.

No need to apologize! I love the asks ❤️

Random Professor Sharp headcanons by me!

Ah yes, Aesop Sharp 

Dude was definitely in Slytherin without a doubt. 

He’s probably a half-blood or a pureblood.

He is TALL. I imagine if he had any siblings they would be pretty tall too. 

He did not want to become a professor at first. He had no interest in being around any kid or teenager so why would he? But he was good at potions and thought that the next generation of witches and wizards needed a good teacher, so he took the position as Potions professor. 

He was a really good Auror and he loved his job, which is another reason why he took it so hard when he could no longer work as one. 

He and Solomon Sallow probably worked together at least once while they were both Aurors. 

He’s unmarried and has no kids. Although he was close to getting married once, he was engaged but then it just didn’t work out and they both parted their ways. 

Very reserved guy. He doesn’t talk much unless he has to. 

Doesn’t allow tomfoolery in his classroom. Joking around? Detention. Talking too loud while he’s giving a lecture? Detention. He already has to deal with Garreth all the time, he’s not about to let any other kid disrupt the classroom as well. 

There was a Dueling club similar to Crossed Wands dueling club back when Aesop was in school and he attended it regularly. He was actually pretty good at it. 

Out of all the professors, he probably talks to Professor Black the most, but he often has conversations with Professor Weasley, Professor Kogowa, and Professor Ronen. 

He had a hard enough time dealing with Garreth’s older brothers when they were at school and so when Garreth showed up and was ten times worse, he about had a heart attack. 

Had to lock his office specifically cuz Garreth would always sneak in and grab potion ingredients and blow up the classroom. 

If he played quidditch in school, he probably was a chaser or beater. 

Hates when people bring up the injury to his leg and the fact that he has a limp. Although he won’t get mad when his students ask why.

After years of working as a Professor, he did soften up a bit and he actually grew pretty fond of his students even if they made him want to yank his hair out 24/7 with how much of a handful they could be. 

That being said, since your fears change with the new experiences you have. I’d honestly say that Sharp’s boggart would probably have to do with losing one of his students. As stressful as they are, he cares a lot about them and their safety which is another reason why he gets mad at Garreth a lot.

He won’t admit it but he’s dreading the day Garreth graduates school because he knows his job will get boring again until the next chaotic Weasley joins in. 

Knows Sebastian and Ominis surprisingly well. He’s not too fond of the other slytherin students but he liked Sebastian and Ominis because although Sebastian is a troublemaker, they’re both intelligent and he doesn’t feel like he’s having to explain things 100 times over while talking to them. 

That and he pities Ominis sometimes for always failing tests. He’s definitely tried to personally tutor him in hopes to help him in potions. 

[askbensolo]

Journal Entry #44: one stayed, one swayed, one strayed

So I may have made a mistake. Amalia and I had planned a holocall to catch up (because I suck at replying to messages), and...I asked if she wanted to see Fannie, too. Since she’s here and everything.

I knew Amalia hadn’t spoken to Fannie or Luke for a long time. But they always ask me how she’s doing, since I’m the only one she still talks to. They clearly still care about her, even if she doesn’t think so. I don’t know—I just figured I’d ask.

And much to my surprise…she agreed. As long as I was going to be there, she said.

And you know what? It actually started out okay. Like I said…Amalia’s a lot more mellow now. She’s still herself, in the same way that I’m still me despite not being an emo boi anymore—but she does seem to care about people more, and there’s just more light in her eyes when she engages with you.

There was some chit-chat between me and Fannie and Amalia about what we’ve all been up to. I was feeling really proud of Mal. I know she’s got some issues with the Jedi and everything, and it must have taken a lot for her to be willing to talk to Fannie again.

What I don’t understand, is that Fannie must have known that too. So...I was shocked when Fannie just...went for the throat, and asked Amalia if she still didn't want to be a Jedi.

I think I mentioned to you how Amalia has developed some different beliefs on the Force. She thinks the Force must be a person rather than a thing. Like…some sort of divine spiritual being, I guess. And again, I say: don’t ask me about that stuff—not my lane, buddy. I just live here.

All I know is, she seems happier this way, thinking of the Force as someone who cares about her, and I thought Fannie would be happy for her, too. I mean…I am. But...she wasn't.

“Amalia…the Force isn’t a person,” Fannie said, sounding confused. “The Jedi have never believed the Force is a person.”

“Well, that’s why I’m not a Jedi,” said Amalia.

“The Jedi have passed down their ancient knowledge and wisdom for centuries. Do you really think they were all incorrect?”

“The Jedi have also passed down many mistakes and corrupt practices,” Amalia countered. “They were incorrect in that. Who’s to say there weren’t other things they got wrong? Or things that got twisted along the way? The Jedi were mortal. The Force is not. I follow the Force now, Fannie. Not the Jedi.”

“The Jedi do follow the Force,” Fannie argued. “The Jedi Order, despite its failings, has been a firm foundation for many years for all who would follow the Force—”

“All? Or just those with a high enough Force sensitivity?” Amalia asked.

“Well, yes, I suppose the life of a Jedi is specifically for those with a special ability to sense the Force, like you and I,” Fannie conceded, “but isn’t that all the more reason why you should have stayed? You were given a gift. It seems a shame to waste it."

"You just said someone gave me a gift," pressed Amalia. "Who did, if not a person?"

You know me. I’m all for debating the esoteric. But I was starting to get a little stressed about them fighting. One of them was a good friend because she shared my darker sense of humor and the feeling of being kind of an outcast. And one of them I was kinda hoping would be my girlfriend soon.

"Okay, ladies, break it up," I said. "I mean, come on. Who can really know anything about the Force for sure?"

"Every one of us can, if we seek to know the Force," said Amalia, with the urgency of one sharing a profound revelation.

"The Jedi know the Force," said Fannie, with the zeal of one defending a sacred institution. "They have studied it for generations."

"Why don't you guys just accept that you, you know, each see things a little differently, and move on?" I suggested, with the pragmatism of one who’d given up trying to understand the galaxy a long time ago. "It seems to be working out great for each of you, even if you guys believe different things. And who knows, maybe both of you are kind of right."

Amazingly enough, then they both turned on me.

"We can't both be right, Solo," Amalia said. "Our beliefs about the Force are pretty mutually exclusive."

"There is only one truth," agreed Fannie. "Your eyes couldn't be brown and blue at the same time."

"Well, what if I had one eye that was brown, and one eye that was blue, and each of you were sitting on either side of me—" I started to say, but as clever as I thought this little parable was, it did not go over well with the girls.

"Oh please. Not that 'blind men and the bantha' crap," Amalia groaned.

"There would still be only one truth—that you had a brown eye and a blue eye, rather than fully brown or fully blue—and both of us would be wrong," Fannie said.

"Okaaay," I said, "but you'd still both be half right—"

"Which would still make us both wrong," Amalia said.

"Look, is it really that important what the Force is or isn't like?" I asked impatiently.

"Yes!" Fannie and Amalia said at the same time.

"The Force is the giver of all life, watching over us, working all events toward our good, loving us despite our darkness, giving us the will and the strength to do what's right," said Amalia. "I didn't know how to have hope or joy or love for myself or anyone else, until I discovered that the Force made me on purpose and gives a damn about me."

"The Force is the energy that flows through each of us and every living creature, and in the influence we wield over the world, whether for good or evil," said Fannie. “If you are not in tune with it, you are not in tune with yourself or others or the rest of nature.”

"The Force is out there, sure, but I don't see why it's so worth bothering about," I said. “Seems like it kinda just does what it wants. I mean, it doesn’t seem to want anything to do with me. And if I’m honest? I don’t really want anything to do with it, either.”

Fannie and Amalia both stared at me, frustrated. I didn't understand why they thought I was so wrong. I was the only one here not trying to get everyone else to change their mind. I was totally okay with Amalia believing what she wanted to and Fannie believing what she wanted to as long as I could believe what I wanted to and somehow that made me the bad guy?

We were all quiet for a bit, until Fannie broke the silence.

“I don’t understand,” she said, shaking her head. “We all learned the same things from Master Luke. All three of us.”

Amalia and I exchanged glances.

“Well...I just don’t think that what Luke taught was true,” Amalia said, her words brusque, but her tone uncharacteristically gentle. “Not because he’s a liar. Because he’s misguided. I think he learned and taught an incorrect understanding of the Force.”

“I just don’t really care what’s true because my life is just work and rent and whatever little time I get to myself to have fun, and the last time I was interested in the Force I got super abused and manipulated,” I said.

“But we used to all accept the same things as truth,” said Fannie. "I just...don't know what's different."

“We were younger then. People change as they grow up. Not everyone believes the same things at twenty-five that they did at fifteen,” Amalia said.

“I’ve sure changed a lot. Not just regarding the Force, but all over,” I said.

Fannie sighed, and started to look a little sad. And then...I felt an impression brush up against the outside of my mind—it was the three of us, at Luke's school: Amalia and I a little smaller than we were right now and Fannie exactly the same size, hair and lekku and montrals all a little shorter—the three of us, dressed in Jedi robes, Fannie's with the ruffles she'd sewn on, mine plain and rough and ugly, Amalia's with the sleeves cut short—sitting in the grass and comparing notes scrawled from lessons with Uncle Luke—discussing the light side of the Force and the dark, meditating together—Amalia and I goofing off while Fannie tried in vain to reel us back in—Fannie and I teaming up to talk Amalia away from the deep end when she was losing her mind—me watching in absolute jealousy while Fannie and Amalia sparred—Fannie's saber against the saber that was once Amalia's but now sat sadly on a special shelf in my uncle's office—Amalia had no idea how often I'd caught Luke gazing wistfully at it, back when I used to still meet with him for counseling—

All that in a flash, and then I turned and looked and saw it all in Fannie’s eyes, and my heart felt heavy for her. And I realized that...letting Amalia and I go our own way was a sort of bitter loss for Fan, a source of grief that I couldn’t really understand—but I could feel it—an anchor dragging her below the surface—my friend, the girl I loved, the girl with the great big heart like an open wound, the girl who yearned for the galaxy to make sense.

I put my arm around her shoulder without really thinking about it, and brushed the backs of my fingers against her cheek to comfort her. And gave her a little nudge like, hey, things are okay, I’m still here, right?

“Oh my frick,” said Amalia, who I’d temporarily forgotten about, in a tone of voice like she was witnessing the eighth wonder of the galaxy. “I had to see it to believe it. But I just saw it, and I still don’t know if I believe it.”

Fannie and I looked at each other uncomfortably. We hadn’t been planning to tell her. Or anyone, really. Not for a while. But acting close with each other had just become sort of natural to us. I withdrew my arm and Fannie scooted ever-so-slightly further away from me.

Amalia shook her head. “I mean. Look. Sure. You guys are kind of cute, not gonna lie. But I’m just gonna say it: you two shouldn’t be together.”

I was stunned. That was really so not her business.

“Okay. Cool. Who asked you?” I replied, more than a little annoyed.

“Nobody, but you know that I always say what I think, just like you do, Ben,” she said. “Think about the whole conversation we’ve just had. I mean. Do you guys not see how incompatible your worldviews are? Do you not think you’re gonna have issues down the line trying to reconcile your values?”

I looked at Fannie, almost afraid she’d agree. But she looked upset, and not agreeable in the least, and I felt better. I turned back to Amalia's hologram.

“We have a lot of differences, yeah. But we’re willing to work through them and accept each other as we are, and that’s that,” I said stiffly.

“Ben’s been through a lot,” said Fannie. “I can forgive that he has trouble connecting with the Force.”

“Hey, I’ve been through a lot, too!” said Amalia. “But I still believe in something. I believe in something, Fannie—he doesn’t believe in anything. And he doesn’t have trouble connecting with the Force—that man is sprinting in the opposite direction as fast as he freaking can.”

“Hey, I said I believe in the Force,” I said defensively. “It’s pretty hard not to, when people can use it to make things float and stuff.”

“And he’s Luke’s own nephew, for goodness’ sake!” Fannie said.

“He's also the grandson of one of the biggest Sith Lords who ever lived. But I don’t think it really matters who he’s related to, or if he believes the Force exists, if he doesn’t care,” said Amalia. “Be honest with yourself, Fannie. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t have a purpose and doesn’t know why he’s alive, except to make money and have fun?”

“Listen, Mal,” I said. “Not all of us are cut out for seeing the grand scope of some cosmic order and imagining we have a part in it. Some of us just wanna live our lives—”

But Fannie interrupted me.

“You’re jealous, Amalia,” she said, unusually nasty, unusually venomous. We both stared at her. “You’re jealous. You’re jealous! You liked him, too. I know you did. And you’re jealous that he chose me.”

That seemed to hit kind of a nerve with Amalia. I’m not sure why. Either it was true…or it was so untrue that it pissed her off to even hear the idea suggested. She raised her brow and sucked in her cheeks and blinked a little, as if to say…well, damn, alrighty then.

“…Okay,” she said, sounding less-than-friendly, but less-than-frigid. “Weeell. That sounds like a great place to call it quits. Nice talking with you both, and I wish y’all the best. Talk to you later, Ben. And, Fannie…good luck.” And then she signed off, before I could even say anything.

I looked at Fan desperately, hoping we could have some kind of debrief, but…she stood up with a huff and stormed off too.

Geez. Three things that are complicated: 1) religion, 2) growing up, and 3) girls.

[theelectronicstranger]

Ultimate X-Men #1 Discussion

            The new Ultimate X-Men by Peach Momoko came out last month and the second issue of it is coming out next week, so I thought I’d talk about it a bit and tell you guys what I thought. There are some spoilers in here, so if you’re just wondering whether you should buy this title or not, then you should stop reading. I do think this book is worth a read though.

         First thing I want to talk about is Peach Momoko. I only really know Peach Momoko for her art from her Variant Covers and from her Marvel Snap Art, so I wasn’t really sure what to expect of her story-wise. However, after reading this book, I am so intrigued in what she is going to do next in this title. I think this issue was such a good start for this series and one of the most unique starts to a Marvel title that I’ve read in a long time.

This issue actually feels more like a Japanese Horror Manga rather than a Marvel X-Men title, which is really interesting. It actually reminded me of a certain scene from Ju-On (The Grudge), where they were seeing the ghost from a security camera footage and the ghost looks like this shadowy blob. The way Momoko draws the Shadow King (I believe that’s the Shadow King but I’m not really sure, but until we get confirmation that it’s not the Shadow King then I’m going to keep calling him that) reminds me of that:

I think the Shadow King, through Peach Momoko’s Art, looks so terrifying and interesting. I also love how he seems to be this kind of curse that happened because of Tsubasa’s death rather than somebody’s power. It makes the book feel more paranormal rather than the normal X-Men story. Basically, the premise of this title so far is that Hisako (Armor of the X-Men) is tormented by this “evil spirit” that seems to be related to her friend’s death (Tsubasa). Anybody that bullied Tsubasa seems to be killing themselves or being tormented by the Shadow King. In this issue, we find that Tsubasa’s coach, who was rumored to have bullied him, hung himself:

The Shadow King seems to be haunting Hisako because she failed to help Tsubasa when he was getting bullied, which led to his death. My idea is that this version of the Shadow King is Tsubasa and that maybe he didn’t know that he was a mutant; when he died, his psychic abilities manifested and his psychic form remained, but his body was gone. The shadow figure we see now is Tsubasa and he has a lot of resentment formed by being bullied and by his death. This form he has now is to exact revenge on the people who have wronged him while he was still alive.  That’s why he calls Hisako a traitor because he felt like she didn’t do anything to help him out:

The Shadow King tells Hisako that she’s a traitor:

The Shadow King wants Vengeance:

            Also, I need to spend some time talking about Peach Momoko’s art some more. I think her art is magnificent. I already have so much of her art in this post and that’s kind of also the reason why I’ve waited awhile to post a review of this issue is because when I first read this issue, I just wanted to show off her art to everyone. I felt that people should be given a chance to buy this issue before I show a lot of it off. I personally love having this issue physically in my hands because there were pages in here that I just loved. I specifically loved how the middle of the entire comic was this amazing art spread:

It was such a satisfying feeling opening the very middle of my comic book to find this spread. I’m just so enamored by Peach Momoko’s art that I wanted to post most of this issue here, but it would be so unfair to do that. I cannot stress this enough: If you guys want to see the art that I’m talking about then please buy this issue. It is so worth it for just her art in my opinion.

            I love how Peach Momoko is kind of operating like a Mangaka in this title. If she’s in charge of the art and the story for this whole title’s run, then I am sold for this whole run. My biggest problem with the X-Men right now is that it seems that you need to read at least 2-3 titles to get the full story with the X-Men and there’s always different writers on those titles, so there’s always some sort of disconnect between the stories in all of them. It’s also not very fun for my wallet because those books stack up and they start costing a lot. However, if you’re telling me that in this new Ultimate Universe that only one person is in charge of the story and the art for the X-Men, then I am here for the whole run.

I have just a few more questions about the future of this run. Does the X-Gene still exist in this universe? What are mutants in this universe? Also, Hisako seems to have the Armor trinket with her when she uses her powers, so does the trinket help her activate her powers? Without the trinket, would she still be able to use her powers? Or is the trinket just her reference for her Armor? Can her Armor’s form change? Also, her Armor seems to wave at her at some point so is it sentient or is that just her subconsciousness?

            Thank you for reading this small discussion. I understand that people will probably be hesitant to buy this run because it’s not the typical X-Men story, and it seem to be leaning to a more paranormal story right now. However, if you have read this issue or if you're thinking of buying it, then I’d love to know what you think. Are you happy with the direction this title seems to be going or would you rather stick with the normal X-Men titles for now?

Notes for Some Future Discussions:

            I know I didn’t do a discussion on Ultimate Spider-Man #2. I wanted to but I just had some stuff going on, so I’ll be posting a discussion for that issue and the third one sometimes this week or next. I really love both issues by the way.

            Also, I wanted to talk about the Ultimate Black Panther title, but I couldn’t get my hands on the first nor the second issue, so I’m not sure if I’m going to be talking about it. If I get my hands on them, then I might put a discussion on the first and second issue. I really like having the physical comic and that’s why it really sucked when there was a shortage of the first issue because I wanted to have a physical copy of it. I think Storm shows up in the first issue, so I’m interested to know how her powers are resolved there.

[cosmicjoke]

I barely know what happened with qafi so I'm not pretending to know better but I'd like to know why did you still put qafi's name in your new post if qafi asked you to not put your answer on their post? I understand that it's frustrating to be asked not to engage if you have something to say about it, but also you have a rather agressive way to answer (which is fine, you do you) and some people come to tumblr to have very casual conversations and don't want it to become a stressful place, while still engaging... You may not agree with them, but you also didn't really say anything to point out what is interesting about their take, just what you think was wrong... like qafi's take was purely bad reading and no interesting thoughts...

Also I'm under the impression that you kinda misread it. Qafi said they were talking about Levi as a narrative tool, while you talk about him much more like a person. Like when you say they were blaming Levi for how things eventually turned out with Eren, I don't think there's any blaming in what they say, they just say that the way the story turned out, Levi's choices ended up not being the ones that spared the more lives but not as in "he made bad choices" but just... "the story turned it that way". Your take is also interesting, I think you both had interesting things to say!

So people know what I was talking about and also because I was pissed. There was also nothing aggressive about my initial answer to them. I was just trying to have a conversation, and they could have simply ignored what I said if they didn’t want to “discuss it”, as they put it. But instead they told me to delete it, all while having no issue with engaging with other posters who disagreed with them. How do you think that looks?

There wasn’t anything I agreed with in qafis post, so I don’t know why I would be obligated to talk about what I found interesting about it. I chose to focus on what they said about Levi personally, and what was motivating him, because that was my largest, central issue with what they said. I could have talked about why I didn’t agree with their take in a broader sense, as in narratively, which I did in further discussion on my own post, if you want to read it. About why singling Levi out in that regard is odd, and also why it’s a moot point they were making, because Eren truly was their only option. There was no other course anyone in the story could have taken with the limited knowledge they had. Calling anyone a “failure” in that context is unfair and needlessly negative. I also think it’s a basic misreading of Levi’s character to say he wanted to “save” people. Levi was well aware that he couldn’t save the lives of the people around him, and he accepted that. Of course he wanted them to live, and did what he could to keep them living, but he also knew it was their choice to sacrifice their lives for a cause and it wasn’t his place to interfere with that choice. So to then use this idea of Levi only fighting to save lives to frame how they thought he was a failure was, I thought, a bad take, because it necessarily paints all of Levi’s actions as misguided or wrong.

Levi wanted to help people. He wanted to support them in whatever ways he could. In that regard, he didn’t fail at all. He helped countless people, and also, subsequently, saved many lives.

If qafi wanted to adddress any of that with me, they could have. But instead they decided to tell me they didn’t only not want to engage with me, but sent me the message they didn’t want my name associated with their post at all. It pissed me off, and yeah, including qafis name on my post was petty of me, I’ll admit it. But I also think they deserved it for being petty themselves to begin with. If you don’t want people engaging with your posts, all you have to do is turn off reblogs. But clearly that wasn't the issue for them, I was. They just didn't want me, specifically, engaging with their post. I’d never had any previous issue with this person, other than them one time accusing me of accusing them of being an eruri, when I’d never even mentioned the term in the post they were referring to, so that was pure bullshit. They constantly commented on my posts, and I never told them they couldn’t, or asked them to remove their replies, and instead always engaged them back. So… I think I had a right to be pissed.

[connorqtie]

Hi hello ! What are ur thoughts on college au for harbor as a request? And/or dealing with long distance relationship with him? (If this isnt to ur liking, no worries, u can just ignore this!)

Thank u for ur time, i really appreciate all of ur writing, its super fun to read <3

i’d be happy to do so! ill post the long distance relationship one seperately but heres the college au! (sorry if its a little odd, this is my first college au!)

also sorry if this is short, i’ll try making a part 2 perhaps? not so sure!

warnings: none other than not being proofread, sorry!

content summary: little college au headcanons for the dear waterboy, harbor (gn reader, has no mention of body type or race for the reader)

- harbor would definitely take a history course.

- if you guys don’t have conflicting schedules and live in different places, he’d love to study with you in a place where you both can focus (mostly libraries, some hole in the wall cafe, and other stuff. anyone’s home or apartment are kinda avoided because he’s worried you both would get distracted somehow)

- definitely the kind to go to the gym time to time if he ever has it. would have you come along if you’d like! would tell you how it can take out the stress of.. having to cram last minute for certain activities.

- i would assume he’d have some extracurricular activities on the side but they would often lead to him being exhausted. if you guys live as roommates in a dorm then you’d probably witness a sleepy varun on the couch, with an open laptop on the desk, and a half finished cup of tea nearby.

- the kind to be visibly annoyed by minor subjects (who wouldn’t be ngl) and would complain about it, especially since he still puts quite a bit of effort in minor subjects for the sake of not failing.

- he likes having those kinds of reviews where one asks a question and the other must identify, finds it especially fun if you help him out by reading out his reviewers as questions.

- generally expect him to sleep quite a lot, or just be exhausted. maybe you could do him a specific “favor” to be able to relax. (wink wonk)

- but also randomly wakes up to review or read something, oddly enough.

A bit of a bonus:

“varun, please tell me you’re not reading the communist manifesto at like, 3am.”

“my mind works at the worst times.. sorry, mere pyaar. (dear)”

[creatingnikki]

In two days, I turn twenty-six. I love my birthdays, used to anyway. It felt like that one day everything could be about me without having to feel guilty. Because I am an empath and I tend to put others at the centre of most things, it felt refreshing to have one day be just mine without any qualms. When I was younger, I would spend these few days before my birthday reminiscing every previous birthday - what I did, how my friends and family surprised me, how I felt, what I wore, how amazing it was. Walking down that glittery birthday memory lane was one of my favourite birthday traditions. But now? This time? I just don’t have the time for that. Never have I felt so strapped for time before. Either I have to work, or I am trying to not cry, or I want to have sex. Work, cry, sex. And if there is any time in between, I indulge in retail therapy. Not without stressing about my credit card bills, of course. 

When did life get to this? Twenty-five has been an eventful year, more than I bargained for. I do not know if it was specific to this age or if it’s simply going to be my life going forward. I do not know if I have enough time management and emotional risk-hedging skills for that, to be honest. If I can take a minute to think back to 10 years ago when I was fifteen, turning sixteen, I’d probably cry tears of joy. Baby. I was a baby. Even back then I was dealing with more than I bargained for. Frequent hospital visits, abuse, heartbreak, and the stress of scoring well in exams (boards) that were supposed to determine the course of my career. Okay, I do not know if these are tears of joy. It’s something like a mixed feeling of sadness - I shouldn’t have had to go through all of that - and a feeling of pride - I dealt with everything so strongly and a feeling of wonder and awe - how did I manage all of that and still retain everything soft and whole and pure in me? Because now at twenty-five, about to turn twenty-six, I struggle. But wait, this was supposed to be about the birthday memory lane. 

My sixteenth birthday was as sweet as I could have hoped for. My sister ended up buying me 22 gifts (couldn’t stop at 16), I got an email from my then favourite author, my friend baked me the most delicious cake, my best friend got me an identical heart-shaped pendant that I had previously got her, another friend got me a hoodie that is till date my favourite, and my mother made sure I have a good day even though she was distressed. I also had got front bangs that were way too short so I looked funny but nobody said a word about it. The next day I had my English language exam, I think. Language exams never felt like exams to me, they were fun. That’s what I wanted my life, my career to be like. I don’t think I have failed miserably. Tomorrow I have to go to work. And at work, I am an editor, sometimes a writer. Kind of like the adult version of what language exams meant for me. So maybe I haven’t failed so miserably after all? Maybe I haven’t failed at all? 

Failing. That’s funny, I have never quite thought in terms of failure and success. That’s not my disposition. What matters to me, then? Having control - control over my life and my time and my emotions and my actions. Maybe that’s why I have been feeling so miserable lately. I may be doing alright on the conventional markers of success like my career and stuff but I have lost control. Or at least I feel like I have. I do not know how to get it back, and I do not know if twenty-six-year-old me will be able to do that. But I do know this, she will try. 

And to my twenty-five-year-old self, as I say goodbye, I want to say this - I know you tried too and you did such a good job. Thank you for not losing patience with yourself or becoming bitter and resentful towards the world even though it kept pushing you in that direction. You did so well. We will stop crying now and step out. 그만 울 거야 나올 거야.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hello! my name is vanessa, I decided to start keeping track of some of my patterns and I guess I wanted to share it with someone and maybe seek some advice or guidance for what ims struggling with. I’ve been listed with symptoms of CPTSD, Depersonalization, Depression, and Anxiety.

tw for suicidal thoughts, mood swings, ed, sexuality stuff (I’m not sure what to call it)

Patterns:

- I tend to experience frequent feelings of emptiness or boredom, even when I’m doing things I’d enjoy or think to enjoy.

- I become very moody and unstable when I suspect something is wrong with my friendships: I go through the thought process that they hate me, or I did something that offended them, that they’re gonna expose me or send death threats or doxx me or now all of our mutual friends hate me

- Usually after these thoughts and really intense paranoia I’ll have suicidal thoughts and my self esteem drops extremely low to where I can’t do my everyday tasks comfortably: I’ll wonder if they’d care if I died, that I’d be fine dying, or maybe not die but that I want to just not exist.

- After my thoughts are intensely depressing and suicidal I experience really irrational anger with this person and start to hate them and detach myself very quickly.

- After this anger I just now avoid them and cut them loose.

- I don’t really have a sense of self, I’m unable to really describe how I am in terms of personality and don’t really feel confident in myself as a person/my decisions.

- I experience extreme self loathing and guilt for past actions even from years ago.

- Have trouble falling asleep and have low energy throughout the day

- I tend to be very isolated and really involved in what’s good for me or what’s bad for me.

- Am frequently stressed out over small things or experience extreme paranoia and anxiety over irrational things.

- Sometimes I’ll contradict myself without remembering what it is I’m contradicting so to others it seems like I’m lying when I’m not.

- Sometimes I compulsively lie or change bits of a story on instinct it’s usually not a conscious thing.

- My diet is very poor in comparison to how it use to be: I use to be very strict about healthy eating and would deny myself certain meals, only now I stick to specific foods or snacks for weeks or months because they’re familiar and safe. I’ve had eating disorder tendencies in the past so I assume that’s what it is.

- I drink a lot of coffee usually

- Often times don’t really recognize myself or am able to recall what I look like, in photos I don’t recognize myself even though I know it’s me.

- When I become friends with someone I start to become really invested with them and their life and feel the need to tell them everything about myself, even my past traumas and regrets. It ranges from extreme friendship and love bombing to extreme low periods and anxiety episodes. I then romanticize the friendship and start to imagine them in a romantic setting with me

- I’m often unaroused by sexual things and have difficulty with romantic feelings towards others.

- I become so stressed or moody that I physically feel fatigued and low on my energy and end up having difficulty completing my work. I’ll be unable to get out of bed or find the motivation to do something I was determined to do. I’ve failed classes and missed assignments due to this, and when I was working I would often miss work days or be unable to communicate with my boss or peers properly because I was just so exhausted despite having not done much.

- On the other hand, sometimes I’ll tell myself everything’s fine and I’m good even when work is piling up, I’m missing assignments, and my impression to others has suffered. I become unbothered and impulsively decide to take the day off or be late or grab coffee because “nothin matters”. This has caused my coworkers or peers/boss and teachers to view me as unreliable and inconsistent which only deepened my insecurities and has lowered my self esteem.

Hi Vanessa,

I'm sorry you've been struggling with those things.

I'm hearing various things that align with the BPD criteria, such as feelings of emptiness, overwhelming emotions, dissociation, some level of identity disturbance (like the inability to recognize yourself), and even experiences that sound similar to splitting (thinking your friends hate you, fluctuating between loving and hating your friends). If you want to read more about the criteria, this article includes the criteria from the DSM-5. The typical treatment for symptoms like these is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, which can help with suicidal tendencies, emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and more.

I want to be clear that this is not a diagnosis. I think it can be helpful to point out what something sounds like, give it a name, and see if it sticks with you or your psychiatrist. Either way it sounds like what you're experiencing is perhaps obstructing the quality of life you deserve, and it's worth getting evaluated, even if it turns out that this isn't BPD.

I understand how scary it can be to be convinced that everyone who seemingly loves you and cares about you is somehow faking it and that they truly hate you but would never admit it. It's definitely easier said than done, but I try to remind myself that if someone truly hated me they probably wouldn't bother pretending otherwise, and that until I have concrete evidence to believe they hate me (instead of, for example, them not immediately replying to my text) it is not my responsibility to read between the lines, as those lines may not even exist. If someone truly does hate you, they should make it obvious and not have you guessing.

Communication is important. It can be helpful to just check in and say "Hey, is everything alright between us? I want you to feel comfortable being honest with me if it isn't. I want to do my best to listen to any concerns you might have."

I also relate to being unable to recognize yourself in photos. It's like, yeah that's what I looked like at the time, but photos don't necessarily capture the fact that, internally, I was someone else entirely at the time the photo was taken, and I don't really know who that person was. It can be frightening to realize that.

I genuinely hope that you are given the help you deserve, because it sounds like in many ways you are hurting. I hope I could help provide some insight. I would personally recommend asking your psychiatrist or, if you have, a therapist, about your symptoms and how they may align with BPD, and ask for their opinion as it is of more value than mine. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[daydreamerdrew]

Ok, so, I've been playing Tears of the Kingdom this week, and I’ll put my thoughts under a cut in case anyone here is trying to avoid spoilers, with a big preface over the whole thing that this is just my thoughts regarding where I’m at in the game so far, without the context of the entire story:

I'm overall really enjoying the game- I’m using the new rune mechanics more than I ever did the ones in BOTW and I’m really enjoying exploring the surface world and talking to people and learning about how things have changed since BOTW. I am going through all that a bit slowly though because I want a good experience out of this game and don’t want to rush it. I don’t think I’ve explored that much of the sky areas yet and the underground world is a little too stressful and devoid of people to interact with to be as much fun, but I am making steady progress in it

I really adored the portrayal of Zelda and her dynamic with Link in the opening scene where she’s freely being her passionate scholar self and Link is quietly dedicated to her. that moment where he goes to take her torch from her without her having to ask him first so that she can take pictures of the ruins she’s so interested in is so cute

I am disappointed that it’s looking like Zelda is going to be in a different setting for the entirety of the game and so we’re not gonna get to see much of Zelda just existing in this world or of Link and Zelda’s dynamic depicted in proper scenes, even though that, like, makes sense for the structure of a LOZ game, because I am interested so in her and what her relationship with Link is like post-BOTW

and so far I’m just really not compelled by her storyline depicted in the memories, which is unfortunate because I had found learning about Zelda through the memories in BOTW so rewarding

the overall concept as I understand it by now is that Zelda is essentially reliving her experience leading up to the Calamity Ganon, except that this time she’s able to participate more fully in that lead up because she’s already accessed her powers and that the warriors from the different peoples are called Sages instead of Champions, and Zelda knows the whole time that they’re going to fail again because she’s in the past and has seen the evidence of their failure in her own time, which is just kind of boring to me. a narrative of a character being trapped in a cycle isn’t inherently uncompelling, but that Zelda is going through the same stuff again is so far just kind of there and nothing is being done with that specifically, so that part of the game is so far just the same story again

except that Zelda is experiencing an inversion of her upbringing with her mother who was supposed to help her with her powers but died before that could happen and her father who treated her as a princess before he treated her as a daughter because of the high stakes of their situation and couldn’t understand her struggles, with the King Rauru and Queen Sonia being positive surrogate parents to her, Sonia being able to instruct Zelda directly about her recall ability that Zelda wants to learn, and Rauru compassionately treating her like a person despite him valuing his position as king and his awareness of the high stakes of their situation. which is boring to me. it’s not that this isn’t rewarding for me to watch despite becoming invested in her from the first game, but that it’s unrewarding specifically because I was invested in her conflict of not being allowed to do what she was genuinely talented at and enjoyed in favor of what her father assumed would be the key to her unlocking her powers, which never accumulated into anything and essentially wasted years of her life, and never experiencing any understanding from her father throughout all of that. I did not want to see a depiction of Zelda’s life where she got a do-over of her life without those problems. I’d have much rather seen her in her adult life beyond the point of being parented, having moved on from what of her life can’t be changed because it’s in the past

the depiction of Link and Zelda’s dynamic in the memories is inherently limited by the fact that they can’t be together in them, and what I’ve seen of that so far, the tea memory where she’s talking about what she likes about Link, had her use the most plain and generic language to describe him, which is inherently uninteresting

there’s also a dissonance to me between the portrayal of the empire system in Breath of the Wild compared to Tears of the Kingdom, or rather not necessarily a complete contradiction as it is an introduction of a new problem for me

I wouldn’t say that the system of the Hylian Kingdom ruling over the other kingdoms before the Calamity was necessarily framed negatively, but that it’s depiction is really limited to how being a princess and being a knight impacted negatively Link and Zelda on a personal level. and there was nothing in the portrayal of the world at the point that the game took place at that suggested to me that there were any negative consequences specifically from the empire system being destroyed. I didn’t get the impression from the portrayal of the Rito, Zora, Gerudo, or Goron communities that they were worse off being autonomous and not all under a central ruler, or that any of them were particularly eager to go back to not being autonomous, other than that the Sheikah did still value that historical system

the tragedy is limited to the loss of life and the limited communication between the communities, which wasn’t actually that much better back when they were under a central ruler, and also doesn’t really require them being under a central ruler to fix

and what I’ve seen of the depiction of the modern world in Tears of the Kingdom so far doesn’t really contradict that. lots of people seem to care about Zelda and they are referring to her as the princess, but their concern seems to me to be largely because she’s already done so much for everyone by keeping the Calamity Ganon contained for 100 years, as well as that she’s smart and kind and was helping people, and nobody is bringing up who her father was

however, what I’ve seen in the memories so far is strangely and unconvincingly in support of that system

in the memory where Zelda meets King Rauru and Queen Sonia she introduces herself as the daughter of King Rhoam of Hyrule. why would she do that? from her perspective, it had been over 100 years since Rhoam died. who cares about him. he wasn’t, like, vaunted as a particularly great ruler or anything. and he certainly wasn’t a great father to her. I don’t see why she would consider being Rhoam’s daughter such an important part of her identity, or why she would expect anyone to care that she’s Rhoam’s daughter, rather than that she was the one who kept the Calamity Ganon contained for 100 years

and what seems to be driving the central conflict is that one person wants to be the ruler of everyone for the good noble reason of providing and maintaining unity, and one person wants to be the ruler of everyone for the bad immoral reason of enjoying power. I don’t personally have the suspension of disbelief for fantasy story that a monarchy system is good when the right characters do it, but also like… ‘oh no, Ganondorf doesn’t really like swearing fealty to King Rauru, he’s not genuinely treating it as an honor to do so, because he’s evil’ c’mon now

but I am at least really enjoying learning about Zelda’s life through people talking about her in the main world and there’s a series of missions where you as Link help with a situation that she was involved in that got complicated by her disappearing and through that learn about what she was up to. so far I’ve completed one where you find some missing farm tools that she borrowed from a stable and learn that she was working on a flower garden with the flower lady from BOTW- who maintained a maze of flowers around a shrine and would freak out if you accidentally stepped on one, making you have to start the maze again- which is just such a cool concept for this game to me. I love that Zelda’s making friends. and I do love how everybody loves Zelda, that, in contrast to how before she wasn’t well-liked because her not being able to access her powers was dooming everyone, is actually rewarding for me to see

[cujomi]

The workload was crazy and school was all I did for about two years. I’d have 3 classes a week from about 7a-2p, with two of those classes having clinicals. For the first few semesters, we’d have an hour break and then a 2 hour lab until 5 pm. We’d also have 1-2 tests each week covering a couple weeks of topics. So you may have a big pediatrics and a separate neuro exam in the same week. Testing is so difficult because it’s very different from pre-requisite classes. A lot of the answers are right, but they want to know what the MOST correct is. There’s plenty of examples for free on quizlet, I’d google “ATI quizlet” because I used those to study a lot. You’d need to study about 8-10 hrs per test. We had to have an 80% average for our tests to pass the class. It didn’t matter if your overall class grade was a 95, if your test scores averaged below 80, you were kicked out.

Homework was a lot of busy work. A lot of projects, at-home quizzes, and online modules to complete. We’d have to take hand write dozens of drug cards with names, side effects, mechanism of action, contraindications, etc and turn them in. You’d also have to go back and write corrections on answers you missed on tests with breakdowns of the disease/med/thought process/etc.

For most semesters, we’d have two clinicals a week on top of classes. You don’t get to pick when your clinicals are, so they can be any day you’re not in class. For us, those were from 7am-7pm and you go in a group with your other classmates. You don’t really get assigned a nurse to follow, you just help where you can and sometimes they pull you to do things. I did a LOT of bed baths. When you get to your final semester, you do a “practicum” where you’re one-on-one with a nurse for 12 clinicals. This is kinda where you actually get to practice skills more frequently, like feeding tube (NG or OG tube) placement, IV sticks, passing meds, etc. You don’t pick where your practicum is either or what shift it is, so you could wind up doing nightshift (7p-7a). You also have to do care plans after each one for your patients, which takes forever since they have to be hand written.

There’s also a lot of admin crap that goes on that’s insane. You can be kicked out or written up for being late to clinical/missing one, missing a test (they will not reschedule most of the time for any reason, even if it’s a valid reason, so then you automatically fail the class), wearing the wrong scrub color, missing a clinical form, etc. It’s a lot of hoops to get through and very overwhelming when you start.

Then when you get through all that, you take your board exam. In the US, it’s the NCLEX exam. After that, you can practice as a licensed nurse.

It wasn’t all bad, but it was stressful. I made some really good friends and we came up with goofy ways to pass classes by using stupid acronyms for tests and whatnot.

I can’t really share specific patient stories, but some funny things that happened were when we first went to a Children’s Hospital in our third semester. It took us all two hours to get vital signs (temp, blood pressure, pulse, oxygen saturation, respiratory rate) on all our patients because it’s so different from adults. We had SUCH a hard time and kept laughing trying to get the blood pressure cuffs on babies/toddlers who wouldn’t cooperate. I also remember helping my poor practicum nurse with med pass and, in my exhaustion, unspiking a bag of saline while it was still hanging. It poured all over me while my preceptor, the patient, and family just watched. I wanted to crawl in a hole.

I will say, actual nursing compared to the hazing of nursing school is much better. I would do it again if I had to!

English major to nursing major, how does student nursing work? I don't know if that's the right terminology, but it would be great if someone could explain it to me.

[autisticlancemcclain]

What are your thoughts on autistic Lance and adhd Keith? I’m neurotypical so I don’t have a lot of knowledge on these things, but I think I understand some reasons why u have those headcanons. I’d love to hear a more in depth explanation though!

Alrighty, so disclaimer: I am an English major. Not a doctor. I’m not diagnosing anybody, and I'm basing my thoughts on my own experiences, opinions, and this one dope venn diagram I found from a bio-psychology student (@tfw-adhd ). So take that as you will.

When you think of ADHD, most people think of two traits: impulsivity and hyperactivity. That’s of course not all there is to ADHD, but they’re pretty major parts! And most people in the fandom consider Lance to be the poster boy of ADHD. But when I asked you guys who the most impulsive character of VLD was, only one person said Lance. Every other person said Pidge or Keith.

And I have to agree.

In a lot of our fics, we associate the ‘fiery red paladin’ with Keith, in his split-second decisions and crazy things he pulls off mid-battle that always work out for him and terrify everyone else. When I asked you guys for your input, many of you said that while Keith and Lance are both impulsive, Lance is only really impulsive when he’s competing, or trying to prove a point — like when he and Keith drove their lions into the ground trying to race blindfolded. Keith, though, is impulsive a lot, and either doesn’t assess the risks when making a decision or has a tendency to take very big risks without question (like Naxzela, or when he left the team to chase after Lotor).

As for hyperactivity, each an every single one of you told me the same thing: Keith has allotted a certain amount of activity for himself for stress release, and if he fails to meet this quota he struggles to regulate his emotions. He trains regularly because he needs it to feel healthy and happy. Lance, on the other hand, is prone to more stim-like activity (like the GIF that goes around every couple of months where he’s lying on the ground and doing that bicycle thing with his legs).

So impulse and hyperactivity, the most well-known pillars of ADHD — so far we have Keith as the poster boy for both, and Lance for one.

The other most popular sign of ADHD, I would say, is disorganization. That’s definitely a mixed bag — organization is really subjective. But when I asked you guys which of the two had the most disorganised fighting style — something you do with very little preparation, when you have to make split-second decisions with the information that you have and the habits you’ve already formed — most of you said Keith. A fair argument was that Keith has such a disorganized or chaotic fighting style because he has a sword, and that’s inherently kind of messy, whereas Lance’s sniping/shooting requires a specific sort of particularity that requires him to be organized and steady.

I would like to argue that that’s the whole point. The bayards are a reflection of the paladins. They summoned these weapons because that is what they use best, that is what suits their fighting style best. Keith gets the sword because although he has some training, his thoughts are all over the place — he’s picking up on a hundred little details at once, thinking not only about the fight he’s currently having but about the fight that’s going to be next. The sword suits him best because it allowed for his natural disorder to be a huge advantage, rather than a hindrance. Whereas Lance consistently summons a long-distance weapon, and even a sniper rifle — a weapon that requires you to focus on one thing at a time, intensely, until the threat is eliminated and you can move on to the next thing. I have no doubts that Lance is constantly hitting targets and noticing new ones as fast as he can, but the whole point of a sniper is that you are lying in wait and hidden because you’re so focused on your one target that you can’t be in the open because you can’t defend yourself.

This level to detail translates outside of battle as well, for both of them. When I asked you guys who was more analytical, 33% (ish) more people said Lance than Keith. The general consensus was that they both have analytical skills, but Lance is better with small and fleeting details (especially when looking at common behaviour — think of the Rover incident, where he was the only one to recognise the dupe for what it was, or even how he was the first to see that Shiro wasn’t quite right). Keith is better at choosing certain goals and trying everything he can to get those goals — like with his quest to find out about his past; he had several different plans that lead to different outcomes (finding the energy in the desert to matching the symbols on his knife to pushing the Blades for answers), and used the information he got to think and overthink about what he was going to do next. While Lance tends to wait for as long as possible with his information until he can come up with the best possible solution (hence why he didn’t act immediately on his suspicions for Shiro and instead made separate note of all the different oddities), Keith tends to use his information immediately and then use the reactions he gets to piece together more answers (the knife incident at the space mall is a pretty good indicator of this specific process).

Okay. So far we’ve outlined a few specific behaviours for the paladins: Keith tends to be really impulsive, with chaotic decision-making skills and an ability to read the room very quickly and notice small, fleeting details. This is reflected in his bayard choice and the way he seeks out and analyses information. He doesn’t plan things out for the long term, and instead acts immediately on the information he has and forms conclusions that way. He has difficult assessing risk (or doesn’t take risk very seriously), is very focused on things he cares about, and when he’s understimulated or doesn’t make time for vigorous physical activity he becomes unregulated and emotional.

I would call that pretty textbook ADHD, although he certainly also has traits for ASD, and I wouldn’t write that off. But when I think of the more autistic of the two of them, I think of Lance, and I don’t think I’m alone in that.

Like ADHD, autism has some traits that are common in reputation: logic and routine. I went over analysis already with you guys, with the conclusion that Lance is better with small details. Not only is that a common finding among people with ASD, but I also think that Lance’s ability to read people and identify when their behaviour is off is a very autistic thing to do. I know that people think that people with ASD can’t read social cues or human behaviour, and in my experience, I find that it just doesn’t come naturally. I do often miss social cues that some people find inherent — like knowing when someone is bored/annoyed with me and when to stop talking — that lead to ostracization (something Lance also faces frequently and has anxiety about, as I’m sure you’re all familiar with in regards to the ‘7th wheel’ debacle). But it was because of this frequent problem that I learnt to categorize micro-expressions and really small changes in behaviour. I had to learn them, because I didn’t recognise them intrinsically. Like you guys pointed out, and like canon has made clear, Lance is very good at identifying these behaviours. He knows when people are acting differently, based on details that may be unnoticed to someone who doesn’t struggle to read social cues and as such doesn’t frequently analyse behaviour. Also, I think Lance may also use obnoxiousness as a defense mechanism — unlike Keith, who gets defensive about his struggles to appear ‘normal’, Lance tends to butt in and annoy people on purpose (like when he interrupted Allura when she was about to list the common traits of a blue paladin) so that he has more control of people’s perception of him. If he grew up struggling to understand why people found him weird or annoying, it would make sense that he would be annoying on purpose so at least he understands why people think of him the way they do.

Going off that — Lance frequently needs justification for things. He needs there to be a reason, he needs to explain things that may not be explainable. I didn’t pose this question to you guys, because I forgot, but I think Keith is more emotional and Lance is more logical, in only that Keith seems to allow himself to feel his emotions (he is the one to tell the other paladins that he is honoured to have served with them, he is the one to frequently and plainly express his anger or frustration, he is the one to outline to Shiro in no uncertain terms that he does not want to be leader because he doesn’t feel ready, etc. Keith is very in tune with his emotions and feelings, he just is also very uncomfortable with people and isn’t sure if he can trust them enough to express himself). Lance, on the other hand, frequently has to explain away his emotions. He feels strongly towards Keith and has a common urge to be near him or talking to him? It must be a rivalry, and he must do everything he can to keep this rivalry going so he can continue to justify his desires. He feels left out and abandoned? He must count himself as a seventh wheel and assign each paladin to a lion and a value in Voltron so that he has a reason to feel left out. He’s jealous of Lotor? He has to convince himself that Lotor is all, 100% evil, so that jealousy doesn’t come from nowhere. Lance does not allow himself to do anything without explanation. He has to have a reason for everything. Everything has to make sense. Everything has to be logical.

His struggle with his own emotional response to things mixed with his intense need to be loved and be social also leads to a lot of misunderstanding and mistakes within his relationships. When I asked you guys whether Keith or Lance is more likely to make a social blunder, most of you said that both of them are socially awkward but Lance puts himself in more social situations and so he makes more mistakes by volume. I’m of the same opinion. Lance wants to be social and understand people and fit in with people, he’s just not very…good at it.

One thing Lance is good at, though, is routine, and about half of you agreed with me on that. Both Keith and Lance have several rituals/routines that are important to them (as previously mentioned, Keith’s training schedule is important for him to help regulate his emotions and keep himself stimulated), but Lance has more routines, and seems more particular about them. The best example would be his skincare routine, which he mentions more than once and expressed agitation when the routine was disrupted. Also, in the few canon shots we have of him sleeping, he has a very specific set of mannerisms (music, eye mask, sleep mask, pajamas, slippers, robe, must sleep for a certain amount of time for said 'beauty sleep') and complains both in the show and in other canon materials (like the Voltron handbook or the comics) when this doesn’t go as planned. Whereas Keith literally sleeps in his boots and seems to be fine dropping wherever.

ASD and ADHD are very similar. They share more symptoms/behaviours than they oppose, so you can certainly choose whatever feels right for you. But I do find it strange that Lance is almost always the one with ADHD and Keith is almost always the one with ASD, when in both fanon and canon (Keith is the impulsive one with poor planning skills, reliant on physical activity for regulation, low sense of danger and high tendency towards risk, low motivation for tasks he doesn’t care about; Lance is the one with all the wacky plans, who reads behaviour exceptionally well but makes frequent social blunders, specific about several rituals and routines, takes people at their word), their characters show the exact opposite. I just think that somehow in the start of the fandom, we switched them around and just rolled with it. But I love subverting fanon expectations, and I am happy to die on the ASD Lance and ADHD Keith hill!

[imagining-in-the-margins]

Comme des Garçons (S.R.)

Summary: Reader chooses an interesting way to finally confess to dating Spencer. Request(s): no one knows about spencer/reader but one day reader comes to work wearing something that is spencer’s and people are like ????? + Spencer and Reader are secretly dating & Reader decides to wear Spencer's cardigan to work bc she’s tired of hiding their relationship Couple: Spencer Reid/Fem!Reader Category: Fluff Content Warning: Implied weight (wearing Spencer’s cardigan), awkwardness Word Count: 1.6k

MASTERLIST

Spencer isn’t ashamed to be dating me. I know that. I know that he’s right, that it would just open us up to scrutiny and humiliation if everyone on the team found out about us dating. It was still too early to see if it would work out since we worked together, and it just made practical sense to keep it between us for the time being.

Realistically, I knew all of that. But it didn’t make it any easier when he’d insisted that we leave and arrive separately. Logic didn’t make the pit in my stomach feel any less awful, and it certainly didn’t make me feel any more inclined to follow the terms of our agreement.

Maybe I was being petty and unfair. Maybe I was self-sabotaging things because the truth was that we were getting along great, and it really seemed like things were going to work out. Maybe I was scared.

Nah, I thought to myself. I was definitely just being petty.

There was simply no other explanation for why I’d made sure to grab Spencer’s favorite cardigan before I slipped out his door. I can’t even begin to stress enough how little thought I’d put into the vindictive act. Despite the 30 minute drive down to Quantico, I never once stopped to consider that my shortsighted plan might not be the best idea.

In fact, I stood tall when I entered the FBI headquarters. I held my head high and walked through the familiar halls with a lightness in my step.

If I’d thought about it at all, I would realize that the root of my happiness hadn’t been the disobedience. It was the fact that I didn’t feel like a secret anymore. I felt free. I was happy.

That was, until I got on the elevator with David Rossi.

He didn’t say anything at first. He didn’t have to. I could see him eyeing me from his peripherals with narrowed eyes that shifted back to neutral when he raised his eyebrows in amusement.

When the doors finally shut me into the hell that was my reality, he spoke.

“Are you sure this is how you want to announce it?” he asked.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I muttered.

It was not a good enough show to convince anyone; especially not a fellow profiler who was much, much better at his job than I was. That experience also explained why he didn’t bother pushing me to admit what we both already knew to be true.

Instead, he stayed facing forward and told me through a smile, “You know, the only way I got the kid to accept the gift was by failing to mention that it costs nearly $400.”

My hand tightened almost imperceptibly around my bag. But it wasn’t entirely stealthy, considering Rossi saw it. He turned to me and he let out a half-sigh, half-chuckle.

“Imagine my surprise when he gives it away so easily to the first pretty girl that asks.”

The pang of guilt in my chest was enough to spur me into action. I snapped my head around to look at him with a nervous laugh that broke halfway through.

“Yeah, about that…” I squeaked like a mouse caught in a trap.

Rossi shook his head with a deep breath before he sought to confirm his theory all along.

“You didn’t ask, did you?”

I shook my head no. It told him all he’d needed to know.

“He specifically asked you not to, didn’t he?”

I nodded with a noticeable pout that garnered absolutely no pity.

With a sarcastic hiss of pain, he replied, “That’s gotta sting.”

Glancing up at the fast-moving numbers on the elevator, I realized that I’d only had a few more seconds before my horrible decision would be witnessed by everyone we knew.

“Oh, god!” I shrieked as I tried to wrestle my way out of the cardigan without the sense to move my satchel first.

While I fought with the most comfortable piece of fabric I’d ever encountered, Rossi continued to taunt me with very unhelpful commentary.

“You’re way too late for that now. I bet Garcia’s spidey senses are already in full throttle. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s on the other side of these elevator doors.”

And just like that, the elevator beeped and alerted me of my downfall. Slowly, but surely, the doors opened to reveal JJ, Emily, and Penelope just outside the elevator. One by one, they all turned to see the mess of me with one arm in the sleeve of Spencer’s cardigan and the other draped over my head.

“Oh, look. The gang of gossipers is all here,” Rossi said with a smile.

Then, like a true psychopath, he stepped between us and left us there to deal with the aftermath.

But I definitely wasn’t ready to face them, and I had to get off the elevator. So, like a normal person, I followed Rossi’s footsteps as quickly as I could… and then took off running towards the conference room.

Unfortunately, in all the excitement, I had failed to consider the fact that I was still wearing the cardigan. In my urgency to appear normal, I’d even slipped my arm back into the sleeve like that hadn’t been the opposite of my original intention.

Then the denial kicked in. As I stepped through the threshold and caught the eye of the men in the room — minus Rossi, who was very certain he didn’t want to witness my mental breakdown — I convinced myself that, if I acted normal, no one would notice.

But literally seconds after I took my seat, I heard Luke snickering from across the table.

“You spend the night at your boyfriend’s?”

“What? Why would you ask that?” I snapped back in the most defensive way possible. It did absolutely nothing for my credibility, but it did make him smile.

“You’re wearing Reid’s cardigan,” he explained with a small nod of his head.

The gang of gossipers wasn’t too far behind me, and as soon as they’d heard his comment, their eyes grew wide and their jaws dropped for the second time in a matter of minutes.

I looked up at Luke and tried to force my hands to stop trembling. My mouth floundered open a few times, but always shut in a tight-lipped pout. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me, everyone waiting with bated breath for me to admit to the dirty little secret that I’d managed to keep up until this point.

But because it had worked so well last time, I decided to once again mutter, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

And Luke, in all his oblivious glory, still didn’t understand what was happening until he looked up to see Penelope silently cursing at him from the other side of the room.

It was then that he gasped, “Oh, are we pretending we don’t know?”

His horrible timing was still nothing compared to Spencer’s, however. His obliviousness, too.

Because there was absolutely no hesitation or self-awareness when he waltzed into the conference room like any other morning.

“Sorry I’m late, everyone,” he announced without justification. He didn’t realize that he’d needed to explain until a dead silence followed.

Until he looked up across the table to spot me staring back at him. I wore a smile, of course, albeit with twitching lips and a panicked whine through clenched teeth.

Immediately, he winced in pain. He rubbed his hands over his face in frustration and seconds later, I’d done the same. That mirrored action was all it took for sound to erupt around us. It was the signal of defeat, and our friends began the celebrations without further delay.

“I knew it!” Penelope shrieked in excitement just before she damn near tackled my boyfriend out of his chair.

Through the chaotic overlapping of demands for payment for various bets, I heard Spencer’s laughter. I glanced up between my fingers, fully expecting him to be looking at anyone other than me.

But to my surprise, he was looking at me with a smile that felt familiar. It took me a moment to realize what it was, but once I did, I felt it all the same. Because Spencer had felt and embraced that freedom the same way I had a few minutes earlier.

As soon as he wriggled free from Penelope’s affection, he jumped from his seat and practically ran around the table to take the seat next to me. He turned to me with a shy, secretive little smile that I returned shamelessly.

Luke must’ve seen that understanding on our faces, too, because that mischievous smile returned to his cheeks with a vengeance.

He turned to Penelope and appealed, “So… safe to say we don’t have to pretend not to know anymore, right?”

And to my surprise, it wasn’t the gang of gossipers who answered him.

It was Spencer.

“I agree with Luke, actually,” he said.

Then, taking his hand into mine underneath the table, he whispered, “No more pretending.”

I smiled, too. Because I knew in that moment that Spencer wasn’t, and never had been ashamed of me.

In fact, I’d never seen him happier than when I’d worn his heart on my sleeve.

(Tell me what you thought of this fic here!)

[tobesoalive]

Josh Kiszka NSFW Alphabet (Smut Headcanons)

ok....so I've been wanting to do one of these for a while and I may have gotten a little carried away. This is by far the smuttiest thing I've ever written, please forgive me. let me know if you guys wanna see more stuff like this, maybe with the other boys? idk anyways enjoy!!

Warnings: Everything....

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

Josh likes to stay inside you for a minute after he finishes, either burying his head in the crook of your neck or pressing his forehead to yours. Once you are both ready to part, he immediately goes to get you a glass of water and a warm washcloth to clean you up, making sure you’re doing okay. Sometimes one of you will suggest to clean off in the shower or soak in the bath for a little bit, and the entire time he’ll hold you close and press kisses to your temple, cooing words of praise and telling you how much he loves you.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Josh loves his mouth, how it can give you passionate kisses and whisper praises, but also bring you to an orgasm so easily. He loves your hands, the feeling of them roaming the expanse of his skin, how they look wrapped around his cock, and the tingle he gets when you tug his hair and claw his back.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

There is nothing Josh loves more than being buried deep inside you when he cums. He loves the feeling of your walls clenching around him, loves to see his seed leak out of you when he’s pulled out, using his fingers to fuck it back into you. As far as your release goes, what he loves most is feeling you fall apart on his tongue, tasting your release turns him on more than anything.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Every once and a while the thought of you dominating him crosses Josh’s mind, specifically pegging. He had kept his longing a secret for the first year of your relationship but accidentally let it slip one night, but you informed him you’d try it out if he really wanted to. It became an activity you two revisit every couple of months.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

The man has some experience under his belt - I mean he is a famous musician - but nothing too crazy. He had about five or six partners before you, but most of his experience he gained with you. Both of you had vastly improved your game over the course of the relationship, and you knew each other’s bodies like they were your own.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

Every position quite honestly, but he especially loves when you ride him. It allows him to gaze up at you and get the perfect view of his length going in and out of you, the sight often causing him to throw back his head and let out a throaty moan. Truly Josh loves any position, but especially the ones that allow him to see your face and the expressions you make. He still likes to have you on all fours every so often and also spoon you while lazily pumping in and out of you.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

It really depends on the day, but most of the time sex with Josh is light and playful. Giggling is a common occurrence from the both of you during the act, and you will catch Josh with a smile on his face quite often.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

Josh prefers to keep it natural down there, only trimming every once in a while if things get really out of hand. He has a dark happy trail leading down from his belly button to a lighter patch of brown curls on his pubic bone that surrounds his length. In addition I think Joshua doesn’t really care what his partner decides to do for their grooming, actually I believe he finds it extremely hot if they keep it natural down there because he thinks you were made perfectly.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

Most of the time he is extremely intimate, only being taken out of the moment if there’s a lot of other stuff on his mind, or if he is particularly stressed, but he is a very romantic and attentive partner for the most part.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

Let’s be honest, Josh has a very high sex drive, and that can be a bit of a problem when he’s on tour or when you’re not around. He takes care of himself by thinking of you, porn isn’t really his thing, if he’s gonna have some sort of visual aid it is going to be photos/videos of you, his favorites being intimate polaroids he’s taken of you that he keeps hidden away.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Whooo boy, there are a lot of things this man is into. I’d love to go more into detail on each one of these, so maybe one day I’ll write a piece on these. To name a few, Josh is into hair pulling, light choking, period sex, squirting, mutual masturbation, praise, edging, domination, i really could go on forever.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

Your shared bedroom is always the top choice, but you guys like to get creative, you’ve done it in the shower, bath, car, backyard, restaurant bathroom, empty field at night, secluded hiking trails, his childhood home, and when you guys are very impatient he’ll bend you over the kitchen counter or prop you up on the arm of the couch.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

It doesn’t take much to turn this man on, he’s so insanely in love with you that everything you do gets him going. Sometimes on stage he’ll spot you in the crowd, seeing you dancing and singing every word, that’s something that really gets to him, and it takes everything within him to not run off stage and fuck you right then.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Josh wouldn’t wanna do anything that puts you in pain, he hates seeing you suffer and would never want to do anything that hurt you, no matter if it would feel good for him.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

There is nothing more beautiful than the face Josh makes when you take him in your mouth. He closes his eyes and leans his head back, grinning with his perfect teeth and sticking just the tip of his tongue out. His moans and words of praise are angelic as well, and the way his soft eyes gaze at you as you swallow his release. As much as he loves your mouth, he prefers to have his on your core. God that man eats your pussy like it’s last meal. Lapping and sucking at your clit, alternating between dipping his fingers and tongue into your tight cunt. He could-and has- cum from just eating you out, it brings him just as much pleasure, and his mouth waters thinking about how good you taste.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

He’s all of it. It depends on what mood you’re in but this man will make slow, passionate love to you in the morning, fuck you fast and rough in the evening and everything in between.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Josh doesn’t mind a good quickie every once in a while. If you have somewhere to be 10 minutes after he gets home from the studio, no problem. Man can make you cum in less than five minutes, and he does not hesitate to demonstrate.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

Yassss Joshy boy loves to take risks, as long as you’re comfortable. If you propose an idea and it intrigues him, you’ll be trying it within the next five minutes. That’s part of what makes your sex life with Josh so satisfying, you two aren’t afraid to switch things up.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

Usually two is where Josh taps out, but sometimes you two decide to stay up all night smoking, talking, cuddling and fucking. Times like those he can go about 4 or 5 rounds. When you two are both home he fucks you at least twice throughout the day.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

You own a few toys that you both use, together or alone. After he left for tour once Josh bought you a vibrator so you wouldn’t miss him too much. Sometimes he’d pull it out while fucking you, just to hold it on your clit. That usually ended with you making a big mess and Josh being extremely satisfied.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Josh likes to tease you a little bit, but he actually enjoys it more when you’re the one teasing him. He likes still being a little submissive.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Much like on stage, Josh is loud in the bedroom as well. Between his throaty moans and grunts, he also is constantly talking to you. He responds to your sounds by saying “Yeah, you like that?” and “tell me how good it feels” and so much other dirty talk because he’s a cocky little shit. He’s also big into praise, whether that be praising you or getting praise himself.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

If there’s one thing that makes Josh feel totally elated, it’s making you squirt. The first time he did it was totally unintentional, he was just eating you out like usual, but his fingers curved a certain way and you bursted. It was the hottest thing he’d ever seen, and he became obsessed with making you do it over, and over, and over again.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

This man has a beautiful dick. It’s about 7 ½ - 8 inches long with some nice girth to it. It leans a little to the left and has a nice curve to it, and it has some veins that rub your walls deliciously. He used to be self conscious of his dick but you assured him it was perfect and it never failed to please you.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Have you seen how hyper this man is? You briefly mention something or even say the word “sex” in a sentence and his clothes are off.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Depends on the day, but for the most part he likes staying up for a little while to talk with his arms around you, eventually quietly thinking about how lucky he is before drifting off.

[tartagilicious]

vyn ritcher relationship headcanons // requested by anons 🍋

bro i’ve seen people say vyn is creepy or manipulative and its like?????? hELLOOO not me yall stay safe tho, i’d marry that man. why did mhy have to make them so flawless like damn

- vyn is very particular about a lot of things, instinctually keeping within the bounds of things he knows he can see through to the end. hence, he doesn't even really try to avoid romantic relationships, the uncertainty is just something he had never wanted to personally experience.

- but then he meets you. you are so perfectly imperfect in ways that take him off his feet, and you show him that it’s only natural to occasionally fall short. you get stumped by cases, you let your emotions get the better of you, yet there is no part of him that views you as any less than perfect despite this.

- he says that he has never believed in love at first sight, but you make him rethink that. because, there’s something about the way you put yourself into your work, in the way you strive to understand his, that is so immediately beautiful to him. it’s a quiet symphony that is so hard to find and he cherishes the idea of sharing such a connection with you

- there’s so much romantic tension between you, it was bound to break at some point.

- to let down his walls to someone so completely is the most generous gift you could ever give him, because being with you is a feeling of freedom he’s never felt before. he might never outright tell you how he feels about certain developments, but he will always let you know in one way or another. whether through a hushed whisper before you drift off to sleep or a certain look as you talk.

- his love language is absolutely quality time — he’s happiest whenever he’s with you! anywhere, any time. you could pull him out of bed an hour earlier to watch the sun rise from your apartment windows, or show him the most hole in the wall restaurants you discovered back in college, and he still would love it. any new experience is worth it when it’s with you.

- he’s a psychiatrist, so there is literally not a better person to go to when you’re experiencing stress or the strain of life. he knows you on a deeper level and is able to help you and listen in ways that no one else can. and he’s more than willing to do so — he thinks of it as a way of repaying you, but even if there were no debts, he still wouldn’t hesitate. seeing you unhappy hurts him as well.

- you visit his lectures and if he’s not participating in a case, he attends your trials <3

- learns your tastes and learns them well. vyn isn’t someone who spends extravagantly or places a low value on money, so any gifts you receive from him are personal and thought out. they might relate to a past experience, a fleeting moment or even an inside joke. but no matter the context, it without fail always demonstrates how much he truly does want to know every part of you.

- EUGHHGHH one of his gifts. one of them. would be another visit to that park, the one where you put locks on a chainlink fence to represent something you want to last forever: but this time, you buy one lock instead of two, and lock it next to the old ones before making a new promise together. (ch3 of his personal story im sorry most of yall just gotta imagine ;-;)

- one of his favourite things to do is to hold your hand. it’s the perfect gesture, not being too grand nor something that requires too much attention. it shows that you’re momentarily linked and don’t have the intention of parting, and in times of panic can be an anchor. he could be frustrated over a specific part of a case you share, and while his frustration doesn’t show well, you would know what’s wrong when he sneaks his hand beneath the table to tangle your hand with his.

- he teaches you a bunch of different card games :D

- jealous asf. i mean, like you’re hot so ofc he’s jealous of people that hit on you 🙄🙄 he handles jealousy poorly but will try to never overstep a boundary, and 9/10 time will let you handle yourself. he trusts you. but will definitely not hesitate to humiliate creeps in your stead (or with you)

- constantly is reminding you how beautiful you are to him. fixes your hair when it’s mussed by the wind. runs the pad of his finger over your knuckle when he holds your hand. gifts you flowers according to their meanings. teaches you all of the different way he makes his coffee for long nights at work.

- manifesting a vyn richter brb.