#speaking as someone with a whole laundry list of mental health issues

[vampirecatprince]

How it feels the group chat discussing how Bill Cipher's mental illness and trauma affects his motivation and characterization, but also how he's a huge loser who deserves everything he got for refusing to address his symptoms:

[theoi-crow]

Hola! Before I ask my question, I'd like to thank you again for your reply to my comment. It made me tear up a bit tbh. 🤭 I saw your post on someone telling you their experience with Aries and Aphrodite on a bus. I understand a significant amount of time must pass and a bond be acquired to connect to them like that, but other than devotional acts and offerings, how would you be able to hear them like that? I'm always second guessing anything when it comes to communication. Thank you! 💎 🌊

Hola!

Awwww thank you for the compliments they give me wings!

I personally set a few ground rules for communicating with the gods.

These rules aren't there to demand the gods speak to me a certain way but more like setting guidelines on the way we can best communicate with each other.

Like setting spiritual boundaries which are healthy for your spiritual and mental health in general.

I grew up in a very violent environment. PTSD, OCD, ADHD, and a whole laundry list of mental health issues, sprang up. These issues will occasionally try to emotionally shred me up via personal put downs: "nobody cares about you," "what makes you think you're so special?" "Please, the world would be better off without you," and so on. These were all things I grew up hearing so I know it comes from my childhood memory and not the gods.

My golden rule is:

"if a god is unproductively negative or cruel than that is not a god. That is my childhood trauma."

For example: let's say Apollo sends me a message saying "why are you trying to play the guitar? You'll NEVER learn it so you should quit before you make a fool out of yourself." I know that's not Apollo but an uncle that would make fun of me everytime I tried learning something new.

Apollo on the other hand would encourage it. If I asked him how I was doing, he'd be honest and say I needed to practice more but he wouldn't say I would "NEVER" be any good.

Another example: Say that I'm doing my makeup when all of a sudden I mentally hear: "You are so ugly, and you call yourself an Aphrodite devotee? Ha! Do you LOOK like someone who has the right to call herself an Aphrodite devotee?" This is something my aunts were very fussy about. They would go on and on about how I needed to wear pounds and pounds of makeup to not scare the neighbors.

I've actually felt Aphrodite interrupt these thoughts with a song she would get stuck in my head. These songs are always empowering and lately she's been getting Lizzo stuck in my head. "Ooo child, tired of the bullshit, go and brush your shoulders off, keep it moving..." Her way of saying that I'm a boss and she loves me just the way that I am.

So being able to distinguish between your own mental anxiety and childhood trauma versus what the gods are actually saying can be tough but this is why setting rules on what you will believe to be the gods and what you won't is very important.

It all boils down to trust.

Some people will ask "Yes, Aela I understand this but how do I KNOW it's the gods?" You won't. I believe it's them because my faith and trust has decided to believe in them.

And trust is a powerful thing. It is something the gods see as the ultimate gift because there will be times where they don't or can't communicate with us and trust is what keeps us connected to them.

Trust is where your magick is.

The more you trust the gods and their messages, the stronger your connection will be.

The easier it will be to sense their energy and hear them over time.

I hope this helps

May the gods send you messages that are so clear, your faith in them becomes unshakable.

[alia15]

Turning Over a New Leaf

My house is cleaner.

I’m more relaxed.

More productive.

More active.

Dare I say...happier?

Happy? In this climate?? How does one go about finding this happiness I speak of? 

Well, for me, it was simple. Set an alarm.

I know, I know: what a concept. But something happened to me about a month ago and I realized that I had a lot of problems, stressors and time management issues in my life....

And I was to blame.

The thing is, I didn’t know I was to blame. I blamed my Microsoft Outlook Calendar which is jam-packed every single weekday with meetings and calls. I blamed the steady stream of emails that flowed into my inbox every minute. I blamed chiropractor visits twice a week that I had to work into my busy schedule. I blamed weekend plans and obligations and errands and everyone...but myself. Because while all the things I listed are very real, there was one person getting in the way of finding free time and well, “me” time, and that person was me.

So, I decided to make some changes. I don’t know about you, but when I make changes, I really MAKE them. They have to be well thought-out and documented. I started thinking about all the factors that were causing me grief and stress over the last few months, and tried to address them:

That’s some set of rules.

I put my money where my mouth is and instead of just making a list of goals on my iPhone’s Notes app, I actually...did the things. I set my alarm for 7am every day. I don’t have to start working until about 9ish, so that was going to give me some extra time to do... WHATEVER. Anything. Even if it was spacing out and having coffee while watching Saved by the Bell reruns, it was better than what I *had* been doing, which is laying in bed until about 9:00 (er, 9:15 some days) and then scrambling like a mad woman to start my day. Frantic. Aggravated. Rushing.

And, for what? I work from home now, and likely will be for a while. Why was I torturing myself? How many days could I get out of bed late and then turn on my computer only to realize I had a meeting in 15 minutes? How many days could I spend sitting at my desk working, and ONLY working all day, realizing when I signed off later that I never really moved much, never went outside, never took a real break?

It was unhealthy, and it made me unhappy.

I also started to wonder why I was getting out of bed so late, ESPECIALLY since my body clock typically wakes me up around 7:30 or 8:00am. If I was up, why didn’t I...ya know, get up? Physically? 

I knew why.

The damn phone. We all do it. We wake up, and before anything else we grab that little device that connects us to the world with the touch of a button. What news alerts do I have; what happened overnight since I went to bed? What’s going on in Twitter World? What’s trending? Let me check Facebook and see whose birthday it is! Let’s scroll through Instagram and Tik Tok and Snapchat AND OH MY GOD IT’S 9:20???? How the hell did an HOUR AND A HALF go by??

Nope. No more. I made a ‘rule’ that I’d set an alarm, and even if I needed a few minutes (or hell, 30 minutes) to lay in bed before getting up, the one thing I could NOT do is scroll through my phone. And guess what? It helps. IT HELPS A LOT. Let me tell you all the things I did this morning: Wednesday, October 14:

dusted & cleaned some windows

rode the stationary bike for 30 minutes 

threw in a load of laundry

had breakfast (hard boiled eggs & some turkey bacon) and coffee 

caught up on the morning news

got ready for the day: makeup, outfit, hair

started this blog post

And I did this all before 9am. 

The catalyst for making these changes happened one weekend in September when my parents were here helping me out with some outdoor cleanup and gardening. They were so helpful in undoing some of the damage Leo and I had done over the summer: we had overgrown plants, weeds, a messy/sandy deck, and we needed some serious ASSISTANCE. And while I appreciated the help, I also felt guilty. Why hadn’t I taken care of this myself? Why did I keep hearing the same phrase come out of my mouth multiple times that day while my parents were over?

“I don’t have the time.”

That was my response when I was asked why I don’t go to Home Depot to get some new outdoor fall stuff. That was my response when asked about watering plants or plucking weeds out of the ground. I DON’T HAVE THE TIME, OKAY?! I AM A VERY BUSY WOMAN!!! 

And, I am. We’re all busy to some extent. And sometimes, it IS hard to find the time for things: house things, chores things, exercise things. But you CAN make the time. You can better USE your time. Since I’ve been getting up earlier each weekday, I’ve used those hours in the mornings for productivity quite often. On weekends, we’ve taken the free time we DO have (before or after plans we might have) to do the things we don’t get to during the week. Just this past weekend, before going to my sister-in-laws house to celebrate our birthdays, Leo and I went to a local preserve in our town to get a walk in. On a recent Sunday when Leo was watching the Jets, I did a LONG OVERDUE closet organization. For me, personally, spending my limited and precious free time on my phone or watching TV makes me feel shitty. Sometimes it’s okay, but I’m generally a happier person when I feel like I’ve gotten things done. 

Oh yeah, and I’m happier the more I MOVE. This isn’t about weight loss or some unhealthy diet culture; this is about overall physical and mental health. Look at how little I moved in August and September. I felt it.

Let’s be real: this year has been TOUGH. We’ve had to make so many adjustments to all the curveballs tossed our way, and we’ve had to navigate the countless changes. But, despite how long we’ve been doing this whole corona dance, it’s never too late to pivot and turn things around. Since March, I’ve been trying to find ways to better myself and find ways to improve my daily life all while working around a challenging work-from-home sitch, a bad back, and a bunch of other obstacles. 

This isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach, and I know everyone is different, but if you’re anything like me and think you can benefit from some inspo, great. I wrote this post in hopes that I’d potentially motivate someone to make a change that could help make them happier. The few times I’ve shared this with people -- in person or on social media -- I usually get a response along the lines of “I need to start doing this.” Or, similarly, a coworker/friend recently DID take my advice, and wrote me to tell me:

...am I a self-help guru???

Bottom line, take care of yourself. I know it’s hard, and sometimes it takes some effort. But it’s important: especially in a year like this one.

Stay safe & healthy!

-Ali

[jurayschicspot]

Dealing with change

Change is something that is so very scary but also it is inevitable to grow if parts of our lives don’t change. Not to say you have to make yourself change who you are but rather allow yourself to change on your own and learn to adapt. From change within our souls, to physical change, to change in our routines, every aspect of our lives affects our mental health. Learning to deal with change, for me, is never ending. Right when I think I’ve got it down life throws a curve ball and I’m back to step 1. Mental health, to me, is one of the most important things! I always associate mental health with laundry. The more anxiety and stress you have, the more you pile on to your laundry. So it’s important to learn how to constantly be putting things up or away (not as in ignoring the issue but learning how to make it not be an issue) in order to deal with the next pile.

As you may have read in my last post I’ve recently had a couple HUGE life changing events. In 2018 I was a girl who was working on opening her business and constantly on the go. I lived with my parents and had a boyfriend who I’d see on my free time. Now, in 2020, I am someone’s wife, mommy to be, stay at home wife and I can say my life has taken a 360 degree turn. Becoming a wife wasn’t that hard because Javi and I started dating in 2011 and we know each other pretty well. He’s literally my best friend so living together isn’t bad at all. What was hard at first was separating from my parents. Even though I only live 30 min away from them and I can go see them whenever, I was very used to having them around. Getting pregnant wasn’t something we thought was in the cards for us so that is something I’ve received with extremely open arms. (It’s been rough though, trust me. I will for sure dedicate a whole post for that subject.) What has been extremely hard for me is my career change.

I’m verry much a routine person, it helps with my mental health. I like to know what the next day holds for me. I was used to getting up, showering, getting ready, having coffee at the salon and every day I had listed out on an agenda what was going to be done. I knew exactly how to handle and put up my “laundry”. Now it’s kind of you get what you get and you gotta do as best as you can with what you got. I’ve been out of the salon for 3 months and I think I’ve gotten better and handeling my anxiety with not having a specific routine down. At first it felt like when you do a lot of laundry and you’re not quite done hanging it up by the time you already have more waiting for you. So I brought out my agenda again but it was hard to plan out when I didn’t know what’s coming. So I’ve changed from having 2 colors and 3 haircuts, to organizing/ cleaning certain parts of our home. From getting up and going straight to the shower to getting up and packing lunch for my husband and going back to take a nap. This specific change has really taught me to control what I know I can and stop worrying so much of what I can’t. Constantly worrying about things we can’t control will only add more stress and anxiety to our pile. So do one load at a time. It’s ok to not be able to do it all at once!

The more I turn into a “real adult” the more I realize adults really don’t have it together. As a kid I thought the bar was so high that I was never going to reach it and be a “real adult”. It’s all about learning to handle what you’ve got in front of you before you move on to the next thing. Obviously it’s great to have a plan but enjoying each step instead of worrying yourself every time you’re in a new phase in life is sooo much more  efficient. It’s easier said than done and I will probably be the first to make myself read this again on my hard days. But know you’re not alone and we’re all trying to figure out how to handle our laundry. Asking for help isn’t something you should be afraid of and if all else fails, you can always send me an anonymous message through here. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope in whatever way it helps you realize we all hate laundry but it’s got to get done <3 speaking of which, I need to go throw my towels in the dryer! Catch ya next time.

[onlyherefortheshowmances]

TW: Mental Health

I have a lot of mental health issues. My main diagnosis is Bipolar (type II). I also have CPTSD (stemming from physical and mental abuse for the first 6 years of my life at the hands of my biological father and continued emotional abuse/manipulation by my mother afterwards). I also have Borderline Personality Disorder which is a trauma-response related disorder that basically means it’s more difficult for me to regulate my emotions than most people. I’m prone to meltdowns when angry or upset. I also have panic disorder, social anxiety, and generalized anxiety disorder. It took a lot of years to finally figure out what is wrong with me, but even knowing what’s wrong doesn’t mean there’re answers. Sure, I’m on meds, but they don’t really work. I see a therapist, but it doesn’t really help. Everything just furthers my abilities to hide my emotions entirely. To never say what I’m actually thinking. To never be allowed to exist in my true state.

 I’m also physically disabled, but no one will believe just how much pain I’m in. I’ve gotten good at hiding that because what’s the bother if no one will believe me anyway. I’ve been in pain since I was 14 (2005). My freshman year of high school. Everything has gotten progressively worse to the point where walking more than a couple blocks is next to impossible. I used to be able to walk miles and miles with no problem, but that’s just not possible any more. A flight of stairs does me in, too.

 In my early 20s a doctor finally listened enough to x-ray my knee, but the x-ray was normal, so they just gave me prescription strength naproxen (Aleve) and sent me on my way. Three years ago (2017), my knee was acting up and my family doctor finally gave me a referral to sports medicine. They took xrays and were able to see osteoarthritis in my joint this time. They had me do physical therapy which just gave me more pain and more reason/ability to pretend there wasn’t any. They also gave me a cortisone injection.

 2 years ago (2018), I tore something in my right shoulder. It took an excruciating 2 months of physical therapy before I even got to see orthopedics. The first orthopedic doctor I saw, basically shrugged me off. He did a cortisone injection in my shoulder which made it worse. I requested a second opinion and finally found a doctor that would order imaging of the shoulder even though the physical therapist put in her notes that it should be MRI’d because of the symptomology following therapy. I had surgery in December for a tare that happened in June. I suffered through 9 months (including the 3 months of recovery after surgery) for something that could have been over in half that time if doctors would have just listened when I went to urgent care the day it happened. At my surgery follow up the doctor remarked that the inside of my shoulder looks like I’m at least in my 70s and that my rotator cuff is also slightly torn and will likely eventually need repaired.

 It wasn’t until this year (2020); literally 15 years after the pain started, that I found a single doctor that would take me seriously. He finally ran blood work beyond the regular stuff and I’ve since been diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, but because the x-rays of my hands and feet look normal, it’s not “aggressive” and I’m just on meds. I still don’t have pain meds or muscle relaxers even though that’s all I want. I’m still not disabled enough.

 The medical care I require is not cheap. Especially not when the insurance my employer offers has $60 co-pays for every specialty visit. My prescriptions cost $50+ per month even with insurance. My therapist is $45 per session which I can only afford every 3 or 4 weeks even though I should definitely be going more often. My psychiatrist is $50 per visit and he wants to see me monthly when he changes anything. I have to see rheumatology ($60 per visit) every 6 weeks for conceivably forever. I had to have a special eye exam ($105 total) every year and new classes are $50+ every year because you know my eyesight has to be complete shit on top of everything else, too.

 I also have to live alone; in part because of my mental health condition and in part because I don’t have anywhere else to go. So, I have to pay my bills all on my own, too.

 I’ve had a lot of jobs in my 29 ½ years of life.

 I worked at Wal-mart in High School (2007-2009). I was a cashier first and then worked in the clothing department. I was fired because they refused to accept my doctor’s note absences even though their company policy says they should have. I got unemployment.

 I did odd jobs in college (2009-2012). I was a tour guide for open house once a month which was probably my favorite job. I very briefly worked in the dining hall, but my mental health couldn’t take that for more than a couple weeks. Mostly my grandfather supported me through those three years until I had to leave school. I made it through 3 years of the social work program to realize my mental health wasn’t cut out for that profession. I didn’t have the money for 3 more years to get a different degree, so I left. Always with the intention that I’d go back some day, but I’ve never actually made it and now with the state of me, probably never will.

 I worked at the Amazon Warehouse for the grand amount of 2 weeks after I left school (June 2012). I had a panic attack trying to do high levels on the order picker and didn’t have a psychiatrist to write an accommodation letter at the time, so I had no choice but to leave.

 I then worked at Target (but for Radio Shack) selling contract cell phones (July 2012-. I enjoyed that job well enough, but it became physically taxing (standing for umpteen hours on end). It was that job that got me to transfer back to my city from where my grandfather lived. I lived with a roommate for a year. She no longer speaks to me because of a whole laundry list of misunderstandings (mostly my mental health).

 After Target, I worked at CVS as a Pharmacy Tech. I think that was the job I had the longest before my current one. It was that job that lead to my first hospitalization(s) for mental health. When I finally had to leave (for my mental health), I was unemployed and essentially homeless for almost a year and then I had county funding to get a room for another year and lived off food stamps and medical assistance.

 During that time, I met Shawn. He was the saving grace I needed to get out of what I thought would be the darkest time of my life.

I managed to get my anxiety under control enough to get a job again. I was a mail carrier for 7 months (May-December 2016). I lost that job again due to my mental health. I was hypomanic (the upswing of Bipolar II) and made a careless driving decision. I was then unemployed for 4 months (until April 2017). But I was living with Shawn at that time and everything seemed fine.

 I then ended up working in the laundry room at the hospital for a few months (April-July 2017). I ended up needing to quit that job because my physical paid started getting too much to handle and I got tendonitis in my wrist. But during that time Shawn broke off our engagement and I restarted therapy (with my current therapist). We’ve always still been best friends. We’ve still done things together; in fact I moved into the spare bedroom and continued to live there for over a year after.

 I started my next job a week after leaving the hospital. I was a receptionist at a major dental practice (July 2017-March 2018) until their company policies went to shit and I had to find a new job for my own sanity.

 I started my current job on April 9, 2018. I work in Revenue Cycle for a group of dental practices doing mostly insurance billing and claims follow up. I moved into an apartment by myself in September 2018 and live there until August of this year. I recently moved into a new apartment (August 2020).

 The past year has however been a living hell.

 On October 24, 2019, Shawn died. I don’t want to go into details of how, but it wasn’t directly intentional, but he knew there was a risk in his actions that lead to the death.

 It’s been year. Nothing’s gotten better. Everything is still broken. Everything still hurts. I’m only better at pretending. I don’t want to live in this world anymore. Intensive Mental health programs only make things worse (inpatient and intensive outpatient alike) and make me hide even more because I need to get out. I can’t handle it.

 I need to quit my job. For my mental and physical health. I can’t handle it anymore. Especially not working from home like I’ve had to since June because of COVID. I don’t think another job would be any better. Maybe for a couple months, but then the same problems would happen again. I just can’t commit to doing something every single day. Not with my mental or physical health. But I can’t quit because I have bills to pay. I can’t get disability because I’m currently working and you can’t be working or have savings to get disability. You basically have to be homeless or live with someone that supports you completely to get it. So basically, I have no way out and I’m stuck in a perpetual hellscape.

[red-5]

Bucky Barnes appreciation post- A Veteran’s perspective

and 

*Not my gif, credit to the creator it is adorable*

So I’m relatively new to tumblr and there is a 99% chance no one will read this but I just had to get it out. I’ve read several posts and blogs about our wonderful world of fictional characters and why they mean so much to us, and came to a startling realization about our sweet little pit bull James Buchanan Barnes.

They say one of the reasons we are drawn to our favorite characters is because we see something of ourselves in them. I’m sure that’s why all of us nerds would follow Spencer Reid to hell and back, but i digress. I was drawn to the character of Bucky Barnes almost immediately, and anyone, including myself, would assume it was the killer cheekbones and baby blues. But there was always something deeper than that, something less superficial.

I recently closed a chapter of my life that spanned over 6 years, the length of a U.S. Naval Special Programs enlistment. I spent 6 years of my life going where my country needed me to, doing what my country needed me to, and drinking every type of exotic alcohol I could get my hands on. I walked away from my enlistment with an honorable discharge, a combat veteran status, and a 40% disability rating from the VA for service-related psychological injuries. At this point in my life I hadn’t had a full nights sleep in the better part of a year, and whatever sleep I was getting was often plagued with nightmares I still remember in vivid detail to this day.

It’s funny, when you’re getting ready to separate they spend weeks telling you about all the help that is available for veterans outside of active service. They fill you with hope that you won’t just become another statistic. But, when the time comes and the safety nets are removed, the only thing you feel is lost. Lost in a world that continued to build up around you while you were gone, lost in a crowd of people that thank you for something they don’t quite understand. I spent my first year following my discharge not getting the help I desperately needed.

Chances are, if you are in the military you’re already a ‘Type-A’ personality. The thing about ‘Type-A’s’ is that we would literally rather pull out our own fingernails than admit we need help (flash to my agitated husband standing in the middle best buy for 20 minutes because I REFUSE to ask an employee for help, I can find it myself thank you very much), which means that when we need it, when we really need it, we don’t ask for it. We suffer quietly because we’re fine dammit, because if we admit were hurting the people around us will hurt too and that isn’t acceptable.

The thing that sucks the most is how far we’ve come. If you look back to how much help was available to the veterans returning from Vietnam to now, the difference is staggering. We have finally recognized PTSD/PTSS and related injuries as exactly that, an injury, meaning treatable. Mental Health professionals can specialize in these injuries and how to treat them, and are readily available for veterans in need of help. And yet suicide rates for veterans are 22% higher than civilian suicides, and in 2014 nearly 20 veterans were taking their life each day.

This leads me to the point of this rambling. The character of Bucky Barnes isn’t just a plot device or eye candy, he is important. I once heard a heartwarming story about a young man who took his younger autistic brother to see Guardians of the Galaxy, and the look of wonder on his face when Drax came on screen. the MCU had given that child something that no other movie had done before, a character he could relate to. In the past, veterans suffering to the extent of Bucky Barnes are often portrayed as villains, mentally unstable right up to the end when they are finally humanized and all of their evil deeds are blamed on not getting the help they so obviously needed. The effort to portray veterans in pop culture and to bring light to these issues are appreciated, but it was Bucky Barnes that brought them into the spotlight. He wasn’t just given a name and a laundry list of diagnoses, they made him real, they made us fall in love with him before he became The Winter Soldier

To be a veteran and see a character like Bucky Barnes, a brave, strong, good man twisted and haunted by the unseen demons in his head, a man desperate to get just a piece of his old life, of himself, back spoke to me in a way words can not describe. To see the pain and confusion I had seen so many times staring back at me in the mirror gave me something to hold on to. I understood part of his pain because I’ve been there. I’ve sat in a room surrounded by people that have known me my whole life all looking at me like they didn’t recognize me, desperate to help but now knowing how. He is important because he speaks to a demographic that had been previously unseen, gave voice to those that don’t have one. Portraying a character like Bucky Barnes speaks to all the ‘Type-A’s’ that it’s okay to need help. Hell, even the Winter Soldier needs someone to talk to. His very presence at the front of the MCU helps to strip away the stigma of mental illness, helps to encourage all of those veterans suffering in silence to seek out the help they need.

If you made it this far, thanks for sticking around. To any and all veterans reading this, I don’t know you, but you are my brother. You are my sister. I love you, you are important, I want you to stick around. Please don’t think you have to fight this battle alone.

No man left behind.

 Till the end of the line.

[mischievousmarvelousmagical-blog]

oh, tall is the tale of the mischievous one / who fished out all the islands and captured the sun / his deeds and tasks i will unmask / so that you'll understand / that before there was a clark kent / there was a hawaiian superman

Archetype — The Hero Birthday — February 14, 1997 Zodiac Sign — Aquarius MBTI — ENFP Enneagram — Type 2: The Helper Temperament — Sanguine Hogwarts House — Hufflelin Moral Alignment — Chaotic Good Primary Vice — Pride Primary Virtue — Patience Element — Water

[tw brief mention of abuse]

Overview:

Mother — Kai Akalana (nee Hale) Father — Lani Akalana Mother’s Occupation — Waitress/singer-entertainer Father’s Occupation — Fisherman Family Finances — Poor Birth Order — Youngest Brothers —  Malo (28) the Serious One, Mana (26) the Sporty One, Moke (24) the Smart One, Mele (22) the Soft One Sisters — sisters-in-law Other Close Family — Alani (27, sister-in-law, Malo’s wife), Gabrielle (10, niece, Malo and Alani’s daughter), Sailor (7, nephew, Malo and Alani’s son); Hayley (25, sister-in-law, Mana’s wife), Jasper (4, nephew, Mana and Hayley’s son); Odelia (23, sister-in-law, Moke’s wife); Fawn (2, niece, Moke and Odelia’s daughter). Best Friend — Celia Gorgon Other Friends — Lymantria Khan, Periwinkle Frostbrittle, Annette Grant why are all of these women? Dipper Pines and Kovu Sauda his roomiesss -- also a lot of OCs tbh Enemies — uhh bad guys Pets — None D: but he totally wants one Home Life During Childhood — Hard and busy; Maui usually got up at the crack of dawn to go out on the fishing boat for a few hours before school. His father was a very stern man and he and his father had a lot of conflict. His mother is a delicate lil lady and his father was often mean to her and Maui hated it. Also all his brothers picked on him for being scrawny. Town or City Name(s) — Hana, Maui; Hawa’ii What Did His or Her Bedroom Look Like — He shared with Mele, it was always messy. Painted blue but very sparse because they couldn’t afford lots. They had bunkbeds. Maui had the top. Rotated sleeping on the couch tho bc there were only four beds. Any Sports or Clubs — He reallyyyy wanted to be on the soccer team, but he was too busy with fishing and helping out at the restaurant and his father wouldn’t let him. Favorite Toy or Game — He like to play pranks on people. (I’m terrible at coming up w pranks so pretend I listed a few good ones). Schooling — His father didn’t hold school in very high regard so Maui dropped out when he was sixteen to work on the fishing boats. Favorite Subject — uhhh none of them tbh Popular or Loner — Kind of in the middle. Everyone knew who he was and he could flit from friend group to friend group but he never had any close friends Important Experiences or Events — Becoming Maui, when his father told him that he had to quit school in order to help out, one time his dad hit his mom that was p traumatizing Nationality — Hawaiian (American, he guesses.) Culture — Polynesian Religion and beliefs — pretty agnostic, but likes the old legends

Physical Appearance

Face Claim —  Bob Morley Complexion — He still gets the stray pimple every now and then but all that salt water was A+ for his skin. He’s got lotsa freckles on his nose and cheeks. Nice tanned skin. Hair Colour — Black Eye Colour — Brown Height — 5’10 Build — broad shoulders, def more upper body strength than lower but all around rather fit, on the shorter side but holds himself well Tattoos — MAUI written on the inside of his right forearm. One that completely covers his shoulder with an intricate combination of music notes, fish hooks, shark’s teeth, and enata (or people). He also had artistic representation of waves and wind as a band around his left ankle. He also has a little cat that moves around his body, but generally likes to curl up in the crook of one of his collar bones. Piercings — none Common Hairstyle — Floppy and messy. Maui never brushes his hair so it’s just a tangled curly mess and tbh Celia probably has to trim it so it stays outta his eyes otherwise he never would. Clothing Style — jeans + t-shirt + sneakers bam Mannerisms — talks with his hands a lot, is literally always smiling, gets fidgety when he’s thinking a lot or is nervous Usual Expression —

Health

Overall (do they get sick easily)? — he’s pretty healthy, tho he gets colds in the winter bc he’s not used to the cold Physical Ailments — fit as a fiddle Neurological Conditions — tbh maui is probably one of my most mentally healthy (don’t mean he’s right in the head tho hehe) Allergies —  none! Grooming Habits — he’s a typical boy. He showers...sometimes. Like every other day, maybe every day ehhh. Does laundry when Absolutely Necessary. Sleeping Habits — sleeps like a goddamn rock. Goes to bed late, wakes up early, but he can go back to sleep sometimes and then he’ll like sleep all day Eating Habits — will eat anything and everything in sight. I don’t think there is a food he doesn’t like Exercise Habits —  Maui swims--a lot. If it is cold he goes to the pool at the gym. He also jogs, lifts weights, tries to stay generally fit, but he’s also pretty naturally fit. Emotional Stability — honestly?? Maui is so stable?? Emotionally? He has a lot of growing to do, but he doesn’t fight it really, and though he isn’t always true to the emotions he’s feeling, he can recognize them. He’s got a lot of toxic masculinity but that is really the only thing super holding him back. Oh, and his narcissism probably (which is kinda fake anyway) Body Temperature — He runs pretty warm but when it is cold outside, so is he. Sociability — Maui is really extroverted, and he can also adapt to almost any situation. His ultimate goal is for people to like him, which means he always does his best to get people to like him. Addictions — none tbh Drug Use — he actually doesn’t do drugs (used to smoke pot on the rare occasion but lowkey he was too afraid of if his dad found out.) He will smoke a lil weed on a v rare occasion. Alcohol Use — He drinks at parties and he can get pretty drunk, but he rarely drinks otherwise and is pretty responsible tbh

Your Character’s Character:

Bad Habits — the fact he’s narcissistic. Also he puts a lot of pressure on himself. Can sometimes not think before he speaks and tease people who shouldn’t be teased and then hurt their feelings. He can be a bit brash, but endearingly so, for the most part. Good Habits — tries to take care of people, takes good care of his body. Best Characteristic — his friendliness! Worst Characteristic — his #fakeness Worst Memory — honestly?? Winning the maui competition, he carries a lot of guilt. Best Memory — ...winning the maui competition. Look it is complicated. Proud of — being Maui Embarrassed by — the fact he literally is the worst Maui ever Driving Style — actually Maui is a really good driver, if not a bit of a speed demon. Strong Points — the fact he is able to manipulate himself to suit people’s needs Temperament — the chillest. It is really hard to rile him up and make him mad. Almost too chill Attitude — friendly! Weakness — his secrets and crippling self doubt lol Fears — that people will know he’s fake and he can’t help them Phobias — doesn’t have any Secrets — that he cheated to win the Maui competition Regrets — cheating to win the Maui competition lol Feels Vulnerable When — he actually emotionally connects w someone lol Pet Peeves — people who aren’t willing to help themselves/people that give up Conflicts — wanting to be the Best Maui Ever while also knowing he cheated and is the Worst Maui Ever Motivation — to live up to the name of Maui; for people to like him Short Term Goals and Hopes — to help people! Long Term Goals and Hopes — to be the Best Maui Ever Sexuality — why is this here??? He is straight lmao Day or Night Person — day tbh Introvert or Extrovert — extrovert Optimist or Pessimist — uhhhh an optimistic pessimist? idk

Likes and Styles:

Music — he likes lots of stuff, kind of alt rock--but also lots of hawaiian music. Some oldies. Everyone likes the beach boys. Also loves stuff he can dance to! Books — maui lowkey does not have great reading comprehension so he doesn’t read for fun really Magazines — ones that he’s in Foods — all foods but he lovesss fresh fruit Drinks — anything really tbh but he’s gotten real turned onto hot chocolate in the winter Animals — anything aquatic really but his fave is probably iguanas. Sports — all sports! Soccer is his fave tho Social Issues — maui is...learning. I would love for him to like become a feminist but he’s a long way away. Though he is p aware of like--POC issues, since he comes from a marginalized community that is like used for their culture to up tourism and is considered ~~exotic Favorite Saying — “A ship is safe at harbor, but that’s not what it was built for.” Color — Blue! Clothing — typical boy, normally just a t-shirt/jeans Jewelry — none really tho he has some wooden bracelets he wears Games — maui doesn’t game a lot Websites — or surf the web unless it is to google himself lmao TV Shows — eh, he doesn’t watch tv a whole lot Movies — again, doesn’t watch a lot but prolly likes action films Greatest Want — to be needed; to help people Greatest Need — to realize he’s fine just the way he is /pets

Where and How Does Your Character Live Now:

Home — Room 421 on PrideU’s campus. Roommate: Dipper Pines. Flatmates: Kovu Sauda and Declan Craig. Household furnishings — typical dorm stuff Favorite Possession — his hook! Most Cherished Possession — also his hook lol Neighborhood — lives on campus Town or City Name — Swynlake Details of Town or City — small town; magick-friendly etc Married Before — nope Significant Other Before — has never rly dated Children — lol no Relationship with Family — despite the fact his brothers and him fight all the time, he really loves his brothers and is pretty close to them. Is definitely a mama’s boy as the baby of the family. Has a tense relationship with his dad. He also loves his nieces and nephews. SO. MUCH. Car — he had a jeep back home that he shared with Mele and his mom. He misses his car Career — ...a demigod? Dream Career — a demigod. Dream Life — being the Best Maui Ever Love Life — has lots of hook ups, he is satisfied with this Talents or Skills — is a great swimmer Intelligence Level — he’s actually really smart despite not being book savvy Finances — he’s got a stipend for being Maui, but he still has to be careful in order to make ends meet. His family is very poor, but is now being taken care of

Your Character’s Life Before Your Story:

Past Careers — worked on fishing boats/sometimes as a busboy at the restaurant his mom works at Past Lovers — a couple girls, but not that many, no serious relationships Biggest Mistakes — cheating and being a general shit Biggest Achievements — becoming Maui!

[smxkeproject]

My name is Loryn Steffens and this is my story..

as a child both my parents were addicts.. my father mike had partys whenver i ws there. he would drink alot and didntreally pay attention to my needs, he had a grlfriendwho didnt like me. my father had anger issues and often took his anger out on me. thru angry outbursts.i didnt know him till i was 4. and i didnt want to know him. he always sent me to his parents house. i felt trapped. i couldnt speak for myself i was scared too. they always humiliated me over there. 

my mothers on the other hand was sweet and caring, loving and kind. but she let her addiction get in the way of her success. she died in 2009 drunk driving accident. i was placed with my grandparents while she did what she had to so my brother and i could have housing with her. my brother moved to my step dads house when i was 7. he was exposed to violence and addiction (alcohol and cocaine abuse more so before and after he moved. my parents would go on binges all the time. 

my grandma and i moved  in 2011. i was diagnosed as passive suicidal disorder, depression anxiety ADD and BIpolar2 disorder at 13 years old. my grandma pushed for medications and i told her that wasnt a good idea. but to humor her and pay my doctors bills i took them. i have a list of all that didnt work. ALL OF THEM. i got my thyroid taken out at 14 because my doctors thought that was the problem. at 16 my father passed away from a gunshot wound to the head. after his death i was diagnosed with PTSD and borderline personality disorder.

i met sage when i was 14. because he told someone to kill themselves. i yelled at him and told him it wasnt right. we started dating in june 2014, he introduced me to “drugs”  at the time my home situation wasnt good. so i started running away. instead of taking me out of my situations the court system put me in cuffs and sent me to jail. sage and i had a no contact order because we got arrested together. the whole relationship i was trying to help him become a better person helped his mom around the house and kept an eye on her kids sage and sawyer, never thought id say i babysat my boyfriend.

thru my years of living with them ive witness violent outbursts from sage and sawyer. saywer wanted to himself because of sage. sage would get very violent with sawyer by verbally and physically abusing him. sage gets his way by stealing and lying.   sage hornsby often took with width drawls out on me but verbally mentally and physacally abusing me. when he found out i was pregnant he didnt have much to say. besides “you should abort that baby” he has punched me in the stomach many times while i was pregnant. and people ask why i didnt leave. because i wanted to help sage become a better person. i couldnt just let him kill himself.  so i delt with the pain. as i progressed with sages mental health mine grew tired. i got depressed. i had anxiety. and thats what he wanted. after jasper was born i isolated us in the bedroom because i was terrified of my baby getting sick and dying.  the abuse continued. he would break my things he would hit me. but he always apologized. i didnt wanna raise jasper in a broken home to put up with it.  doors would slam. sawyer would stomp his feet when he didnt get his way and scream. i remember feeling so bad for them i applied for food stamps so stacy wouldnt stress about being able to afford groceries. she was up to her knees in sages court fines. by this time my PPD had taken a turn for the worst. sage has broken alot of my phones, i lost alot of friends and family because..sage would go out and stay out all night. while i was running on no sleep or food. jasper was a good baby tho. i remember being so depressed sometimes id overdose on painkillers at night. im cry alot because i wanted to die but i didnt wanna leave my son with such violent surroundings. 2018 we moved to bearlake with stacys mom lori and her husband. thats where things took a massive turn. curtis is a raging alcoholic. he would get angry there were people in his house. there was alot of fighting. sage picked up the drinking more. i tried it and i couldnt stomach it. at this point i couldnt eat or sleep very well. sage still hit me at their house. he has told me to kill myself infront of his grandma, his brother. and his mom denies he even said it. 

i broke up with him and moved back to traverse city jasper. i had 3 jobs. working at subway, making music and tending to my son. sage showed up at my house at 2am. saying he wanted to kill himself. he also told me he might go to prison for human trafficking. my dumbass was still in love with him so i tried to help him sober up. he convinced me to let his mom take jasper while we tried to figure things out getting back together ect.  he took me to someones house. i got dosed with cocaine and methamphetamine. i couldnt move or speak. i had journals with me that his friend stole. they ripped pages out of my books. then taunted me. his lover zeb had said him and sage were gonna take jasper and sell him on the black market and sage told my brother they were gonna pimp me out. i sent myself the hospital after sage got violent to my suggestion that he needed help. he threaten to burn my grandmas house down and rape her. he threatened to cut me up and sell my body parts. and he told me he was gonna become an alcoholic and beat the shit out of jasper. i gave him what he wanted because i was scared

april 2019 when we moved to manistee it got worse. i went to AA NA meetings as directed by fostercare. i didnt get any signatures back then because i didnt know i had too. i went with sage to 3 meetings, when he picked up the alcohol so did i. but i didnt drink it. i acted drunk. after sage started lying to me and staying out all night and coming home drunk i started going to meetings on my own 2ice a week. i had nothing numbing my pain. i got offered ketomine by his aunt. i thought it would kill me to i took it. i got a job at taco bout it too. sage let them fire me. then continued yell about how i never did anything.

i cleaned, i did laundry, i tred to help s much as i could. he kept calling me a freeloader and told me to get a job. i tried but nobody wanted to hire because idek why. i was depessed and stressed and tired. endlessly looking for a job. i started selling my belongings so we could afford food.  

i had a job and soemome who made a petty call to it away from me because she couldnt stand the fact her man wanted me. and i can see you laughing at me. and if i had it my way my son would be in my care full time and the rest of those who laugh at my struggles and my pain dont deserve to be in my sons life. i should be able to choose who stays and who goes in and out of jaspers life. i protected that little boy with my life. that should count for something. 

also sense nobody else is concerned but me. sage has history visiting childporn websites as well threatening to rape babies. im not saying its hereditary but as a mom im terrified you would even consider letting any of these people care for my son. ive been sexually abused andassult not just this year but previous years. and people like him make me sick. i thought jasper could have both parents because i was there to protect him. now that im not allowed to watch him 24/7 is upsetting. i have support. i am able to get housing. driving scares me. i have mental disorders but im not crazy.

[epchapman89]

Community Focused, DC’s The Potter’s House Is Many Things To Many People

In 2018, the concept of “service with a smile” is changing. While many have grown accustomed to the hospitality model of going above and beyond to please the customer, some cafes are taking steps not only to serve individuals but to honor whole communities.

The Potter’s House, a historic bookstore-cafe in Washington, DC’s Adams Morgan neighborhood, has been around since the 1960s. Founded by Gordon Cosby, the cafe and 501c3 non-profit first opened with loosely faith-based roots.

While the cafe today strays quite far from any sort of religious affiliation, the team at The Potter’s House tries to respect its original identity as a gathering space and a safe place for marginalized and housing-unstable people to come for a cup of coffee or a needed meal. The shop also faces a few challenges: a changing neighborhood, a widening demographic, and expectations placed on them as a historic gathering space. The Potter’s House aims to be many things to many people, including its own staff.

With a simple, spacious layout, liberally curated books, and a no-frills Counter Culture coffee menu, it may be hard to believe that The Potter’s House has undergone several different identities prior to a revamp in 2015. Most notably, the cafe was a crucial gathering point for the Civil Rights Movement after the assassination of the Reverend Doctor Martin Luther King, Jr.

“We were one of the spaces that stayed open to be a rallying space, a community space to talk through what this upheaval meant for the community and how we look after the community in an intentional way,” says Mike Balderrama, General Manager and Coffee Director of The Potter’s House. “We are constantly engaged in so many different things.”

In the ‘70s and ‘80s, The Potter’s House remained a central meeting space to tackle the issues of mental health and homelessness in America. After Reagan shut down several mental health facilities in his term, the Adams Morgan neighborhood became a birthplace for social programming and non-profit operations, many of which were conceived of within these cafe walls.

When The Potter’s House changed hands in 2015, the team had to ask itself how to maintain this historic identity. Balderrama said the focus became “upholding as much of the principles of the past and thinking what we can do while also offering really good food, really good coffee, and books that promote ideas and thought.”

Today, The Potter’s House honors its roots with an abundance of programming and books that speak to its past. Guests can expect to find a huge range of left-leaning reading material that ranges from ethnic cookbooks to self-help guides, liberal-themed graphic novels, memoirs from POCs, and more. In addition to poetry readings and open mic nights that focus on social justice and equality, the cafe also partners with a lot of local organizations and hosts community-centric events like “Mindful Monday Yoga” and monthly prison-letter-writing events—a chance for the incarcerated to connect with others on a human level.

The Potter’s House is connected to the D.C. coffee community too; the gang is always excited and ready to host a Thursday Night Throwdown when the opportunity presents itself. However, Balderrama hesitates to laud The Potter’s House as “specialty coffee cafe.”

“We are a shop that sells specialty coffee, but I wouldn’t necessarily call us a specialty coffee shop, because more than anything we’re a community shop and I think there’s a lot of weighted language that comes from the concept of a specialty cafe,” Balderrama says. “I want to engage with people in the community more—I want to make sure they have a cup of coffee that they like, have a pastry that’s good, have food that they enjoy and keep coming back for, and when they enjoy and their curiosity is piqued enough, I’m ready to talk coffee with them.”

“Community to me, in general, is super important because community is what keeps people in coffee in my opinion,” says Adam JacksonBey, a Potter’s House barista who also serves as a member of the Barista Guild of America’s executive council. “You’re drawn to it for many reasons, like the need for a job and customer service, but from all the coffee folks that I talk to, community is what keeps them there.”

“The community at The Potter’s House is different because you’re not just dealing with the greater, national coffee community or the D.C. coffee community—both of which I love dearly—but also with a community in D.C. that has been around for almost 60 years, so it feels great to be a part of something that large,” says JacksonBey.

JacksonBey says that the cafe’s goal to provide meals to those who need them is much of why he finds meaning in his work at The Potter’s House, where he’s worked for two years.

“We’ve been serving the community since the ’60s—serving people who didn’t have enough food, or couldn’t pay for it that week. Social workers know to come find some of their clients here. It’s a really beautiful thing to see and work with,” says JacksonBey.

However, keeping the doors open to a wide variety of faces can occasionally leave the doors open to conflict as well. To this end, Balderrama forgoes 911 on speed-dial at The Potter’s House, encouraging baristas instead to take de-escalation, bystander, and first aid training classes—but to also be welcoming resources for Adams Morgan.

“People think they are entitled to a very long laundry list of expectations when they come into our space and a lot of us is saying no, this is actually what our program is, and I think sometimes sitting in that discomfort is better than over-accommodating someone or having to move people around,” Balderrama explains. 

“The things we do have control over and consistency over is the coffee that we make, the food that we make, those kinds of things. Everything else is negotiable in a way.”

Everything else, that is—except community.

The Potter's House is located at 1658 Columbia Rd NW, Washington, DC. Visit their official website and follow them on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

Katrina Yentch is a Sprudge contributor based in New York City. Read more Katrina Yentch on Sprudge.

The post Community Focused, DC’s The Potter’s House Is Many Things To Many People appeared first on Sprudge.

seen 1st on http://sprudge.com

[mrwilliamcharley]

Community Focused, DC’s The Potter’s House Is Many Things To Many People

In 2018, the concept of “service with a smile” is changing. While many have grown accustomed to the hospitality model of going above and beyond to please the customer, some cafes are taking steps not only to serve individuals but to honor whole communities.

The Potter’s House, a historic bookstore-cafe in Washington, DC’s Adams Morgan neighborhood, has been around since the 1960s. Founded by Gordon Cosby, the cafe and 501c3 non-profit first opened with loosely faith-based roots.

While the cafe today strays quite far from any sort of religious affiliation, the team at The Potter’s House tries to respect its original identity as a gathering space and a safe place for marginalized and housing-unstable people to come for a cup of coffee or a needed meal. The shop also faces a few challenges: a changing neighborhood, a widening demographic, and expectations placed on them as a historic gathering space. The Potter’s House aims to be many things to many people, including its own staff.

With a simple, spacious layout, liberally curated books, and a no-frills Counter Culture coffee menu, it may be hard to believe that The Potter’s House has undergone several different identities prior to a revamp in 2015. Most notably, the cafe was a crucial gathering point for the Civil Rights Movement after the assassination of the Reverend Doctor Martin Luther King, Jr.

“We were one of the spaces that stayed open to be a rallying space, a community space to talk through what this upheaval meant for the community and how we look after the community in an intentional way,” says Mike Balderrama, General Manager and Coffee Director of The Potter’s House. “We are constantly engaged in so many different things.”

In the ‘70s and ‘80s, The Potter’s House remained a central meeting space to tackle the issues of mental health and homelessness in America. After Reagan shut down several mental health facilities in his term, the Adams Morgan neighborhood became a birthplace for social programming and non-profit operations, many of which were conceived of within these cafe walls.

When The Potter’s House changed hands in 2015, the team had to ask itself how to maintain this historic identity. Balderrama said the focus became “upholding as much of the principles of the past and thinking what we can do while also offering really good food, really good coffee, and books that promote ideas and thought.”

Today, The Potter’s House honors its roots with an abundance of programming and books that speak to its past. Guests can expect to find a huge range of left-leaning reading material that ranges from ethnic cookbooks to self-help guides, liberal-themed graphic novels, memoirs from POCs, and more. In addition to poetry readings and open mic nights that focus on social justice and equality, the cafe also partners with a lot of local organizations and hosts community-centric events like “Mindful Monday Yoga” and monthly prison-letter-writing events—a chance for the incarcerated to connect with others on a human level.

The Potter’s House is connected to the D.C. coffee community too; the gang is always excited and ready to host a Thursday Night Throwdown when the opportunity presents itself. However, Balderrama hesitates to laud The Potter’s House as “specialty coffee cafe.”

“We are a shop that sells specialty coffee, but I wouldn’t necessarily call us a specialty coffee shop, because more than anything we’re a community shop and I think there’s a lot of weighted language that comes from the concept of a specialty cafe,” Balderrama says. “I want to engage with people in the community more—I want to make sure they have a cup of coffee that they like, have a pastry that’s good, have food that they enjoy and keep coming back for, and when they enjoy and their curiosity is piqued enough, I’m ready to talk coffee with them.”

“Community to me, in general, is super important because community is what keeps people in coffee in my opinion,” says Adam JacksonBey, a Potter’s House barista who also serves as a member of the Barista Guild of America’s executive council. “You’re drawn to it for many reasons, like the need for a job and customer service, but from all the coffee folks that I talk to, community is what keeps them there.”

“The community at The Potter’s House is different because you’re not just dealing with the greater, national coffee community or the D.C. coffee community—both of which I love dearly—but also with a community in D.C. that has been around for almost 60 years, so it feels great to be a part of something that large,” says JacksonBey.

JacksonBey says that the cafe’s goal to provide meals to those who need them is much of why he finds meaning in his work at The Potter’s House, where he’s worked for two years.

“We’ve been serving the community since the ’60s—serving people who didn’t have enough food, or couldn’t pay for it that week. Social workers know to come find some of their clients here. It’s a really beautiful thing to see and work with,” says JacksonBey.

However, keeping the doors open to a wide variety of faces can occasionally leave the doors open to conflict as well. To this end, Balderrama forgoes 911 on speed-dial at The Potter’s House, encouraging baristas instead to take de-escalation, bystander, and first aid training classes—but to also be welcoming resources for Adams Morgan.

“People think they are entitled to a very long laundry list of expectations when they come into our space and a lot of us is saying no, this is actually what our program is, and I think sometimes sitting in that discomfort is better than over-accommodating someone or having to move people around,” Balderrama explains. 

“The things we do have control over and consistency over is the coffee that we make, the food that we make, those kinds of things. Everything else is negotiable in a way.”

Everything else, that is—except community.

The Potter's House is located at 1658 Columbia Rd NW, Washington, DC. Visit their official website and follow them on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

Katrina Yentch is a Sprudge contributor based in New York City. Read more Katrina Yentch on Sprudge.

The post Community Focused, DC’s The Potter’s House Is Many Things To Many People appeared first on Sprudge.

from Sprudge https://ift.tt/2FopPI8

[ruthellisneda]

All Women are Bilingual, and Should Be Running the World

Since I was a child, I have fluently spoken both Boy and Girl, and as a grown woman I’ve actually had an easier time speaking the language of Men than the language of Women. This isn’t because of anything special or interesting about me. It is, in fact, a competency shared by all women in our culture, whether they know it or not.

As children, we read and watch stories about little boys (and sometimes girls) having adventures and learning lessons, which is where we first learn the male-as-default mentality that will follow us for the rest of our lives.

According to an article from the Washington Post,

“No more than 33 percent of children’s books in any given year featured an adult woman or female animal, but adult men and male animals appeared in 100 percent of the books.”

Interestingly, when there is a gender-unidentified character, like an animal or a car, the parents reading tend to naturally give that character a gender using pronouns. Instinctively, because the male-as-default mentality affects us all, they will assign him the male gender. (If you have any doubt about this, go ahead and try using she/her pronouns for random animals you see in the park, or read about with your child. It feels super awkward, like… well, how do I know she’s a “she”? But ask yourself: how do you know he’s a he? It feels uncomfortable to think you might be accidentally misgendering a male, but typically it doesn’t seem like an issue to misgender a female.)

Representation Matters

Humans are a social creature, and feeling like we’re included and belong is crucial for a strong sense of self. We need to connect and feel like we belong, so we’re highly influenced by our perceptions of social rules and norms (especially as children!) and often internalize what we see without even realizing it.

That’s why representation matters—

The lack of female character representation in children’s books teaches children of all genders an important truth: that girls and women are less important, and hold a less important role in society, than boys or men.

This unequal representation continues as we grow up. In a recent study posted on the data visualization website Polygraph showed that in 78% of the Hollywood films analyzed, the lead character was male. Not even a third of speaking roles go to women, on average. Considering that women make up 51% of the population, this is pretty wild.

Check out this analysis, showing the dialogue breakdown between male and female characters in Disney movies:

The movies with 60% or more of the dialogue going to male characters is a long list (twenty-free movies) and many of them have men getting pretty damn close to 100% of the dialogue. Can you imagine a Disney movie with 98% of the dialogue going to female characters?? I sure can’t, since nothing like that exists. There are only four movies with more than 60% of the dialogue going to women, and those are all verrrrrry close to the 60% line.

If these facts surprise you, as they did me, that’s probably because we don’t register movies with mostly male characters as weird or out of place in any way. We’ve been conditioned since childhood to view this breakdown of male visibility as normal, and in fact when women make up half of the characters or dialogue, we often get a feeling of imbalance, like it’s gone from a universally relatable story to a “women’s story.”

And that’s exactly the point.

Men are People. Women are Women.

Hollywood has often claimed that they don’t make more female-led films because they just don’t succeed at the box office. Female-led films are considered niche, despite the fact that women make up more than half the population. This is because in general, only women are willing to show up to watch women-led films. Men aren’t expected to relate to female stories, because simply, they’ve never had to. Male-led movies are considered universal, because everyone is expected to relate to male stories.

This is the “male as default” mentality (or “androcentrism”) in which we think of men as gender-neutral, and women as gender-specific. Think about how often we mention someone’s gender in relation to their work. We rarely describe someone as a “male doctor” or “male author” since we all automatically assume it’s a male unless denoted that they’re female.

This male-as-default mode is everywhere in our society, from the way we use male-centric language like “hey guys” to mean a mixed-gender group, to the way most research is done on all-male groups and that is considered “universal” (while research done on all-female groups is considered only relevant to women), to the way we tend to approach sex from a perspective of prioritizing male arousal and pleasure.

In short, men are considered “people,” and their stories, bodies, health, and interests are considered universally relatable. Women are considered “women,” and it’s expected that only other women will relate to them.

Do you think this might have something to do with the fact that even as children, the stories we heard mostly centered the experiences of little boys?

What if our so-called “natural female empathy” isn’t about biology at all, but rather it stems from the fact that girls learn they have to connect with both the female and the male experience, while boys only learn to connect with the male experience?

Little boys never have to stretch their imagination to think about how it might feel to be a girl or woman, while little boys are asked to constantly imagine what it might be like to be a boy or man. Therefore, boys never have to learn to relate to or empathize with girls or women, while girls develop a strong capacity for understanding, relating to, and empathizing with the male experience.

Of course, the message is also loud and clear: based on representation in books and movies, girls are only about 33% as important as boys. So it eventually just starts to feel natural that boys and men can’t (and don’t) spend their time relating to girls and women. Why would a king spend his time learning to relate to the peasants?

Women Can Do Anything Men Do

At this point, feminism has given women the ability to do pretty much anything a man can do. I mean, we’ll be paid less to do it and we’ll probably never make it to a high leadership position, but we’re graduating from colleges, getting jobs in all industries, lifting heavy weights, choosing not to be working parents or not have children, and dressing in button-downs and slacks. Women have taken over the workforce and shown the world that women are good at way more than the traditional gender roles of domestic life that was presumed to be our “natural place” not so long ago.

Yay women! But isn’t it interesting that while women have completely crushed it in the area of “men’s work,” men have made almost zero progress in the area of “women’s work”? Men on the whole have shown very little interest in domestic duties and emotional labor (aka the unpaid work women have traditionally done for them), and in fact many men still consider these kinds of tasks inherently beneath them.

Where are all the men showing the world that they can raise children and do laundry and rock a dress and organize the kids’ schedules and plan vacations and remember to send thank-you cards after a wedding? Pretty scarce, it turns out, because that whole male-as-default thing makes it seem obvious that “men’s stuff” is universal, while women’s stuff is still just women’s stuff.

Women crush it in the world of men, not only because we have been studying and relating to men’s stuff our entire lives, but also because we’ve been convinced of its importance and validity, and therefore highly motivated to figure out how to have it for ourselves. But women’s work? Why would a man take on such unimportant and inferior tasks? Or more importantly, why would a man take on these tasks when he simply doesn’t have to, when he can always find a woman who will?

Men could probably do anything women can do if they were highly motivated, but that’s exactly the point. With the stigma and low status of domestic and childcare duties, there is simply no motivation to do so, especially when his female partner just seems “better at it.”

This lack of ability or interest to relate to women or take on traditional “women’s roles” is a huge problem, because while most men end up with free time to relax and have hobbies, most women end up working double duty— a full shift at the office, followed by a full shift of childcare and household chores. (And in case you’re wondering, when a woman makes more than her male partner, she actually tends to do more housework, rather than less.)

So we’ve got a world in which many women have double the skill sets as men, and are capable of relating to double the population as men.

It’s Bigger Than The Laundry

All of this leads to what we have now: a culture filled with grown men who are deficient in important life skills, like effective communication, maintaining strong relationships, organizing a family’s schedule, hosting a party, nurturing their children, or doing the laundry. But why does this matter? If his female partner is willing to do all those things for the both of them (as many female partners do), then who cares?

We all should.

Let’s take a look at what it means for men to be in charge of making laws about female reproductive rights. Men who can’t relate or empathize with women, who see the majority of women’s skills as unimportant and inferior, are put in charge of deciding what we can do with our bodies.

Not to mention the fact that while all genders know how to please men sexually, most men don’t have the foggiest idea how to be good lovers to their female partners. I mean, men can’t even enjoy a movie with an all female cast, is it any wonder he’s unable or unwilling to imagine sex from the female POV?

At best, many men simply focus on their own sexual feelings and desires, and don’t check in with (or recognize the meaning of) the body language or energy of their partner. This is where accidental sexual coercion and harassment come in, like the story that broke last year about Aziz Ansari, or every client story I’ve heard about a woman who had sex she wasn’t interested in because the guy was so wrapped up in his own moment. It makes sense that a man who has only ever had to relate to himself and people like him might assume that everyone wants what he wants; that everyone is turned on when he is turned on, and nobody is uncomfortable if he’s not uncomfortable.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a man say he would love to be sexually harassed or raped, because it would be hot or he would be flattered, or genuinely wonder why women would dress or act a certain way if they didn’t want to have sex. Without the ability to relate to women’s experiences or stories, a man is very likely to overstep (often without even realizing it), and even more likely to dismiss or shrug off her allegations if she speaks up later.

At worst though, the lack of ability to empathize with women makes them feel less human than men; less deserving of respect or autonomy or kindness. This is where true predators and abusers come in, along with men who think of women as crazy bitches, conquests, or holes to fill.

It’s much easier to hurt, abuse, mistreat, oppress, and violate women when you don’t see women as fully human, and can’t relate to them.

Did you know that in a hostage situation, you’re supposed to share personal facts about yourself, like how old you are and if you have children and which is your favorite ice cream flavor? The goal is to get the person who is threatening your life to see you as an actual person, and relate to you. This tactic works because we naturally don’t want to hurt or kill people we relate to and empathize with.

In our culture, men are never taught how to relate to or empathize with women.

In our culture, men are the greatest known threat to female safety.

This is not a coincidence.

Women spend their lives in fear of being attacked, raped, beaten, or killed by men, with good reason. We’re smaller, weaker, and slower in general, yes, but we’re also aware that many men just don’t relate to us as people, which makes it quite easy for them to hurt or violate us. It also makes it hard for them to believe us when we report, and quick to write us off as crazy, overreacting, mistaken, or lying.

All Women Are Bilingual

Women grow up fluent in male culture, work, adventures, and socialization.

Even when we don’t actually understand men, we understand a basic truth– that men simply don’t think about women’s lives, feelings, or experiences, while women are constantly thinking about them and theirs.

Of course it feels perfectly natural that little girls wear pants to school now, while a little boy wearing a tutu would still be seen as embarrassing and wrong. Boy-stuff is universal, but girl-stuff is for girls. Of course it feels perfectly natural that many women now work, but stay-at-home dads are still extremely rare and stigmatized. Men’s work is universal, while women’s work is… for women.

It is because of this fact that most women are essentially bilingual, skilled at understanding and relating to all people, while most men are only skilled at understanding and relating to each other.

This multilingualism is exaggerated even more when we consider people of color. Since “white” is the default representation in books, movies, and popular culture, black people and other people of color must learn how to relate to, empathize with, and understand white culture, along with their own.

Just like male children who constantly see their own gender experience centered and represented, (therefore never needing to develop the skills of empathy or relating to others), white children sit down and see our own racial experience centered and represented, taking up 88% of children’s book characters and 75% of hollywood movie leads.

Can you see how in this way, people of all races and ethnicities learn that white people occupy a significantly more important role in society than people of color, and eventually it seems perfectly “natural” for people of color to want to do white-people stuff, while white people don’t feel a responsibility to learn about or care about the culture or experiences of people of other races? Given how much easier it is to accept violence against people when we don’t connect to them or empathize with them, can you see how a country with white-as-default would be facing rampant violence against people of color?

Likewise, most LQBTQ folks will spend their whole lives learning, understanding, and relating to heterosexual culture, rarely seeing glimpses of their lived experiences represented anywhere, and certainly not valued or held up as equally valid. Heterosexual and cis-gendered is the default, and considered more valid and important.

Given all this, why on earth would we allow so many straight white men to stay in power?

Let’s Start Rewarding Multilingualism

Why are we impressed with people who speak four or five languages?

In part it’s because we assume they’re especially intelligent and hard-working, and in part because we imagine they can maneuver through the world with a wider and more sophisticated scope than someone who only speaks one.

That’s exactly how we need to think of this.

Who would you rather have in charge of important decisions in the world— a person who speaks only one language, or a person who fluently speaks three? A person who relates only to other people exactly like them, or a person who relates to many different cultures, genders, and races?

Let’s stop promoting and rewarding people who have been singularly focused their entire lives. We need more women, LGBTQ folks, and people of color centered in stories and held up in positions of leadership— especially queer women of color! Not because of Affirmative Action, or even because of “fairness” or “equality,” but rather because these people are better equipped and skilled to handle the process of running the world.

The post All Women are Bilingual, and Should Be Running the World appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

https://ift.tt/2C7styF

[almajonesnjna]

All Women are Bilingual, and Should Be Running the World

Since I was a child, I have fluently spoken both Boy and Girl, and as a grown woman I’ve actually had an easier time speaking the language of Men than the language of Women. This isn’t because of anything special or interesting about me. It is, in fact, a competency shared by all women in our culture, whether they know it or not.

As children, we read and watch stories about little boys (and sometimes girls) having adventures and learning lessons, which is where we first learn the male-as-default mentality that will follow us for the rest of our lives.

According to an article from the Washington Post,

“No more than 33 percent of children’s books in any given year featured an adult woman or female animal, but adult men and male animals appeared in 100 percent of the books.”

Interestingly, when there is a gender-unidentified character, like an animal or a car, the parents reading tend to naturally give that character a gender using pronouns. Instinctively, because the male-as-default mentality affects us all, they will assign him the male gender. (If you have any doubt about this, go ahead and try using she/her pronouns for random animals you see in the park, or read about with your child. It feels super awkward, like… well, how do I know she’s a “she”? But ask yourself: how do you know he’s a he? It feels uncomfortable to think you might be accidentally misgendering a male, but typically it doesn’t seem like an issue to misgender a female.)

Representation Matters

Humans are a social creature, and feeling like we’re included and belong is crucial for a strong sense of self. We need to connect and feel like we belong, so we’re highly influenced by our perceptions of social rules and norms (especially as children!) and often internalize what we see without even realizing it.

That’s why representation matters—

The lack of female character representation in children’s books teaches children of all genders an important truth: that girls and women are less important, and hold a less important role in society, than boys or men.

This unequal representation continues as we grow up. In a recent study posted on the data visualization website Polygraph showed that in 78% of the Hollywood films analyzed, the lead character was male. Not even a third of speaking roles go to women, on average. Considering that women make up 51% of the population, this is pretty wild.

Check out this analysis, showing the dialogue breakdown between male and female characters in Disney movies:

The movies with 60% or more of the dialogue going to male characters is a long list (twenty-free movies) and many of them have men getting pretty damn close to 100% of the dialogue. Can you imagine a Disney movie with 98% of the dialogue going to female characters?? I sure can’t, since nothing like that exists. There are only four movies with more than 60% of the dialogue going to women, and those are all verrrrrry close to the 60% line.

If these facts surprise you, as they did me, that’s probably because we don’t register movies with mostly male characters as weird or out of place in any way. We’ve been conditioned since childhood to view this breakdown of male visibility as normal, and in fact when women make up half of the characters or dialogue, we often get a feeling of imbalance, like it’s gone from a universally relatable story to a “women’s story.”

And that’s exactly the point.

Men are People. Women are Women.

Hollywood has often claimed that they don’t make more female-led films because they just don’t succeed at the box office. Female-led films are considered niche, despite the fact that women make up more than half the population. This is because in general, only women are willing to show up to watch women-led films. Men aren’t expected to relate to female stories, because simply, they’ve never had to. Male-led movies are considered universal, because everyone is expected to relate to male stories.

This is the “male as default” mentality (or “androcentrism”) in which we think of men as gender-neutral, and women as gender-specific. Think about how often we mention someone’s gender in relation to their work. We rarely describe someone as a “male doctor” or “male author” since we all automatically assume it’s a male unless denoted that they’re female.

This male-as-default mode is everywhere in our society, from the way we use male-centric language like “hey guys” to mean a mixed-gender group, to the way most research is done on all-male groups and that is considered “universal” (while research done on all-female groups is considered only relevant to women), to the way we tend to approach sex from a perspective of prioritizing male arousal and pleasure.

In short, men are considered “people,” and their stories, bodies, health, and interests are considered universally relatable. Women are considered “women,” and it’s expected that only other women will relate to them.

Do you think this might have something to do with the fact that even as children, the stories we heard mostly centered the experiences of little boys?

What if our so-called “natural female empathy” isn’t about biology at all, but rather it stems from the fact that girls learn they have to connect with both the female and the male experience, while boys only learn to connect with the male experience?

Little boys never have to stretch their imagination to think about how it might feel to be a girl or woman, while little boys are asked to constantly imagine what it might be like to be a boy or man. Therefore, boys never have to learn to relate to or empathize with girls or women, while girls develop a strong capacity for understanding, relating to, and empathizing with the male experience.

Of course, the message is also loud and clear: based on representation in books and movies, girls are only about 33% as important as boys. So it eventually just starts to feel natural that boys and men can’t (and don’t) spend their time relating to girls and women. Why would a king spend his time learning to relate to the peasants?

Women Can Do Anything Men Do

At this point, feminism has given women the ability to do pretty much anything a man can do. I mean, we’ll be paid less to do it and we’ll probably never make it to a high leadership position, but we’re graduating from colleges, getting jobs in all industries, lifting heavy weights, choosing not to be working parents or not have children, and dressing in button-downs and slacks. Women have taken over the workforce and shown the world that women are good at way more than the traditional gender roles of domestic life that was presumed to be our “natural place” not so long ago.

Yay women! But isn’t it interesting that while women have completely crushed it in the area of “men’s work,” men have made almost zero progress in the area of “women’s work”? Men on the whole have shown very little interest in domestic duties and emotional labor (aka the unpaid work women have traditionally done for them), and in fact many men still consider these kinds of tasks inherently beneath them.

Where are all the men showing the world that they can raise children and do laundry and rock a dress and organize the kids’ schedules and plan vacations and remember to send thank-you cards after a wedding? Pretty scarce, it turns out, because that whole male-as-default thing makes it seem obvious that “men’s stuff” is universal, while women’s stuff is still just women’s stuff.

Women crush it in the world of men, not only because we have been studying and relating to men’s stuff our entire lives, but also because we’ve been convinced of its importance and validity, and therefore highly motivated to figure out how to have it for ourselves. But women’s work? Why would a man take on such unimportant and inferior tasks? Or more importantly, why would a man take on these tasks when he simply doesn’t have to, when he can always find a woman who will?

Men could probably do anything women can do if they were highly motivated, but that’s exactly the point. With the stigma and low status of domestic and childcare duties, there is simply no motivation to do so, especially when his female partner just seems “better at it.”

This lack of ability or interest to relate to women or take on traditional “women’s roles” is a huge problem, because while most men end up with free time to relax and have hobbies, most women end up working double duty— a full shift at the office, followed by a full shift of childcare and household chores. (And in case you’re wondering, when a woman makes more than her male partner, she actually tends to do more housework, rather than less.)

So we’ve got a world in which many women have double the skill sets as men, and are capable of relating to double the population as men.

It’s Bigger Than The Laundry

All of this leads to what we have now: a culture filled with grown men who are deficient in important life skills, like effective communication, maintaining strong relationships, organizing a family’s schedule, hosting a party, nurturing their children, or doing the laundry. But why does this matter? If his female partner is willing to do all those things for the both of them (as many female partners do), then who cares?

We all should.

Let’s take a look at what it means for men to be in charge of making laws about female reproductive rights. Men who can’t relate or empathize with women, who see the majority of women’s skills as unimportant and inferior, are put in charge of deciding what we can do with our bodies.

Not to mention the fact that while all genders know how to please men sexually, most men don’t have the foggiest idea how to be good lovers to their female partners. I mean, men can’t even enjoy a movie with an all female cast, is it any wonder he’s unable or unwilling to imagine sex from the female POV?

At best, many men simply focus on their own sexual feelings and desires, and don’t check in with (or recognize the meaning of) the body language or energy of their partner. This is where accidental sexual coercion and harassment come in, like the story that broke last year about Aziz Ansari, or every client story I’ve heard about a woman who had sex she wasn’t interested in because the guy was so wrapped up in his own moment. It makes sense that a man who has only ever had to relate to himself and people like him might assume that everyone wants what he wants; that everyone is turned on when he is turned on, and nobody is uncomfortable if he’s not uncomfortable.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a man say he would love to be sexually harassed or raped, because it would be hot or he would be flattered, or genuinely wonder why women would dress or act a certain way if they didn’t want to have sex. Without the ability to relate to women’s experiences or stories, a man is very likely to overstep (often without even realizing it), and even more likely to dismiss or shrug off her allegations if she speaks up later.

At worst though, the lack of ability to empathize with women makes them feel less human than men; less deserving of respect or autonomy or kindness. This is where true predators and abusers come in, along with men who think of women as crazy bitches, conquests, or holes to fill.

It’s much easier to hurt, abuse, mistreat, oppress, and violate women when you don’t see women as fully human, and can’t relate to them.

Did you know that in a hostage situation, you’re supposed to share personal facts about yourself, like how old you are and if you have children and which is your favorite ice cream flavor? The goal is to get the person who is threatening your life to see you as an actual person, and relate to you. This tactic works because we naturally don’t want to hurt or kill people we relate to and empathize with.

In our culture, men are never taught how to relate to or empathize with women.

In our culture, men are the greatest known threat to female safety.

This is not a coincidence.

Women spend their lives in fear of being attacked, raped, beaten, or killed by men, with good reason. We’re smaller, weaker, and slower in general, yes, but we’re also aware that many men just don’t relate to us as people, which makes it quite easy for them to hurt or violate us. It also makes it hard for them to believe us when we report, and quick to write us off as crazy, overreacting, mistaken, or lying.

All Women Are Bilingual

Women grow up fluent in male culture, work, adventures, and socialization.

Even when we don’t actually understand men, we understand a basic truth– that men simply don’t think about women’s lives, feelings, or experiences, while women are constantly thinking about them and theirs.

Of course it feels perfectly natural that little girls wear pants to school now, while a little boy wearing a tutu would still be seen as embarrassing and wrong. Boy-stuff is universal, but girl-stuff is for girls. Of course it feels perfectly natural that many women now work, but stay-at-home dads are still extremely rare and stigmatized. Men’s work is universal, while women’s work is… for women.

It is because of this fact that most women are essentially bilingual, skilled at understanding and relating to all people, while most men are only skilled at understanding and relating to each other.

This multilingualism is exaggerated even more when we consider people of color. Since “white” is the default representation in books, movies, and popular culture, black people and other people of color must learn how to relate to, empathize with, and understand white culture, along with their own.

Just like male children who constantly see their own gender experience centered and represented, (therefore never needing to develop the skills of empathy or relating to others), white children sit down and see our own racial experience centered and represented, taking up 88% of children’s book characters and 75% of hollywood movie leads.

Can you see how in this way, people of all races and ethnicities learn that white people occupy a significantly more important role in society than people of color, and eventually it seems perfectly “natural” for people of color to want to do white-people stuff, while white people don’t feel a responsibility to learn about or care about the culture or experiences of people of other races? Given how much easier it is to accept violence against people when we don’t connect to them or empathize with them, can you see how a country with white-as-default would be facing rampant violence against people of color?

Likewise, most LQBTQ folks will spend their whole lives learning, understanding, and relating to heterosexual culture, rarely seeing glimpses of their lived experiences represented anywhere, and certainly not valued or held up as equally valid. Heterosexual and cis-gendered is the default, and considered more valid and important.

Given all this, why on earth would we allow so many straight white men to stay in power?

Let’s Start Rewarding Multilingualism

Why are we impressed with people who speak four or five languages?

In part it’s because we assume they’re especially intelligent and hard-working, and in part because we imagine they can maneuver through the world with a wider and more sophisticated scope than someone who only speaks one.

That’s exactly how we need to think of this.

Who would you rather have in charge of important decisions in the world— a person who speaks only one language, or a person who fluently speaks three? A person who relates only to other people exactly like them, or a person who relates to many different cultures, genders, and races?

Let’s stop promoting and rewarding people who have been singularly focused their entire lives. We need more women, LGBTQ folks, and people of color centered in stories and held up in positions of leadership— especially queer women of color! Not because of Affirmative Action, or even because of “fairness” or “equality,” but rather because these people are better equipped and skilled to handle the process of running the world.

The post All Women are Bilingual, and Should Be Running the World appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

https://ift.tt/2C7styF