#spawn some lesbians where i am please

[tayliii]

being a single, horny, lesbian teenager with a desperation for love is the cruelest torture a human can endure

[soulmate-game]

“Are you paw-sitive this is alright?” Selina half-purred half-asked. The slender cat thief was dressed casually— for her, anyway— in a floor length amethyst purple gown that swept just barely above the floor, accentuating her curves and coming down in a deep V neck that was just barely within the constraints of being acceptable for public appearances. Her companion, almost half a foot shorter even in her short heels, was a stark contrast. It was as if all the two women had in common was their hair color, a rich deep black that shimmered blue in the right lighting.

Marinette, with her hair done up in two buns and wearing a sensible pink-and-white cheongsam top with apple blossom embroidery paired with an ankle-length denim skirt that had a knee-high slit in the front, nodded even as she eyed her friend’s choice of outfit with a small frown.

“Of course. Bruce is in the media’s eye all the time, and he knows I don’t have a care for the spotlight. But you do,” Marinette stopped talking for a second, snapping her fingers and reaching into her purse. She pulled out a gorgeous inch-thick collar necklace that was made entirely of thick panels of flawless silver and high-quality diamond. At the very center of the collar necklace, where it would hang right in the center of Selina’s collarbone, was a diamond-and-obsidian cat face. “I knew I was forgetting something! Bourgeois owed me a favor for doing the outfit for her last magazine cover pro bono, so I asked for this as payment. It’s exactly what your outfit is missing.”

Just because Marinette didn’t like revealing clothing didn’t mean she couldn’t appreciate someone else wearing one well, after all. And Selina wore her dress perfectly.

Selina quirked an eyebrow, eyeing the necklace with her expert gaze. Gently, she trailed her fingertips over the tops of the diamonds in the thick bands of the collar as a small smile flicked over her lips. She raised her eyes up to Marinette’s, light green eyes sparkling with mischief and knowing.

“You got this as a bribe for me, didn’t you kitten?”

Marinette smiled unashamedly. “I know you’re a proud lesbian, but would you mind playing the role of Bruce’s girlfriend, just for the media? And only while you’re single, of course. If you ever want out, you only have to say the word. Bruce already agreed, but he also doesn’t mind continuing to play the careless bachelor if you aren’t willing.”

Selina scoffed, rolling her eyes and grabbing the necklace. Effortlessly, she swung it around her neck and clasped it in place. “Please, darling. You and I both know it drives you up a wall when Brucie is hounded by gold diggers every time he steps foot out of that mansion of his. I’ll play the camera-girlfriend, but only for a maximum of a year. And you two can only call on me one a week at most, a girl’s gotta have some time to herself.”

Marinette nodded eagerly. “That’s fine! We probably won’t even call on you that much, Bruce is planning to play the ‘we want to keep our relationship pretty low-key’ card for now. Just an appearance once a month or two ought to satisfy those vampiric paparazzi.”

Selina just smiled. She had practically adopted Marinette years previous, during a trip to Paris where she had found out she apparently had a male doppelgänger. Now the two were sisters in all but official (Not-forged) legal documents. And because of that, Bruce had somehow become her brother.

Which Bruce later found out, meant that Selina would relentlessly tease him every time she needed to appear as his “girlfriend.”

Relentlessly.

But Marinette and Bruce had a Plan. She wasn’t quite ready to make a public appearance as his real girlfriend, mostly because of loose ends that still had to be tied back in France. She was making so many trips back and forth between the two countries that they couldn’t see each other in person much to begin with, so they also didn’t want their few in-person meetings tainted by greedy D-rate journalists.

But yes, they had a Plan. One year was the perfect time frame for the last stretch of said plan. Marinette would tie up the last few things she had to do in Paris, start an official branch of her fashion company in Gotham, and they would stage an entire break-up with Selina, a three-month “break” to “recover” and then a suitably dramatic, romantic “meet-cute” between the two of them to start what the media would see as a love-at-first-sight, fairytale relationship.

Nobody needed to know about Marinette and Bruce’s five-year pining session, or their one-year fumble through figuring out how to date one another before actually getting it right, or the most recent three-years of dealing with the fact that they were both highly experienced hero/vigilantes, the leaders of their own hero teams, and highly accomplished business people.

It was a hard relationship utterly riddled with drama, but they had finally reached the stable point where they were ready to commit. Sort of. They just needed Selina to fake-date Bruce in the public eye for a couple months, and then everything would be fine.

—*—*—*—*—*

One year and three months later.

Marinette shifted her purse on her shoulder. This would be her first time in over five years actually setting foot inside the Wayne Manor. She was excited to see Alfred again, and to hash out the last details for her and Bruce’s public “meet-cute.” But Alfred didn’t open the door this time, a short green-eyed boy with an all-too-familiar frown on his face did.

And once again, Marinette knew that Selina was not the mother. Her pseudo-sister was, as she had said so long ago, a very proud lesbian. But Marinette did know of a past fling of Bruce’s who did possess the proper genes to help create a child of this age.

Marinette smiled, pushing her inner rage at the thought of Talia Al Ghul out of her mind. She was still pissed beyond all rational thought when she heard about what Talia had done to Bruce. But this child was not at fault for any of it, only an innocent by-product.

“Hello. My name is Marinette Dupain-Cheng. Would you mind telling Alfred I’m here?”

“Tt. Why should I?” The apparently bratty boy asked, crossing his arms and glaring straight at her. Marinette felt her eye twitch.

“I am a close friend of Bruce— Would I be correct in assuming he’s your biological father?” Immediately upon her question, the boy’s eyes widened ever so slightly in shock before his glare intensified. Marinette chuckled. “He didn’t tell me that he adopted any new children, and he always tells me when he adopts. Which means he didn’t have to adopt you, suggesting you are related to him directly. You can’t be a cousin or nephew, he has no living blood family. And all his pseudo-siblings are alive and fine, so you weren’t left to his care in anybody’s will,” she deduced out loud for him. “Plus, the green eyes and tan skin— I know of exactly one of Bruce’s past… suitors… who happens to fit the timeframe and features necessary.”

The boy raised an eyebrow. “Most assume that I am that harlot Selina Kyle’s spawn,” he snapped, but it lacked the same heat this time around. He was now analyzing her face closely, and Marinette noticed. She was careful to keep her eagerness toned down. She really just wanted to see Bruce and be able to hug and cuddle him for the first time in almost a year, and this child was her only obstacle at the moment. A very stubborn one.

Marinette sighed. “Selina is like a sibling to me, don’t call her a harlot. If Selina was ever pregnant, I would have known. Hell, Selina would have given me her baby to raise because she doesn’t have any interest in being a mother. Now, the polite thing to do when someone introduces themselves is so introduce yourself back. Not interrogate or intimidate them.”

The boy huffed, straightening his emerald turtleneck and rolling his shoulders back. “I am Damian Wayne,” he replied imperiously. “And Father has never mentioned a friend by the name Marinette. Which leads me to believe you are yet another no good hopeful suitor, and Father is still recovering after he and Kyle finally split up for good.”

Marinette froze, and slowly her eyes narrowed. “He never mentioned my name? Ever?”

“Tt. I already said no.”

Finally, the shape of Alfred Pennyworth came into view behind Damian. He had obviously heard the last bit of the conversation, because he just sighed and shared a long suffering look with Marinette. It was that look that made Marinette’s eye twitch a second time.

“Alfred,” she said slowly. “Has he mentioned me at all to any of his kids?”

“He has not,” Alfred replied. “And furthermore, Miss Selina would not stop giving him a hard time whenever he had to call her out for an appearance. It seems all of the children mistook their relationship for actually being of a romantic nature.”

Damian spun to the butler, eyes wide and swimming with a multitude of emotions. “What do you mean, ‘actually’, Alfred?”

“He means,” Marinette began before Alfred had the chance. Her eyes were narrowed, matching storms of dark, furious blue. “That Selina was only pretending to be Bruce’s girlfriend so that the press and gold-diggers would leave him alone. And apparently I need to beat some sense into my stupid, idiotic boyfriend, who I should have known would do something like this,” she looked up at Alfred, jaw clenching. “That man would never be able to pass for a functioning human without either you or me keeping his head screwed on. Where is he?”

“Not at the manor currently, Mademoiselle Marinette.”

“Alfred.”

The butler gave Marinette a rather mischievous little grin. “Master Bruce has forbade me from telling you where he is currently, he wanted you to stay at the manor and sleep the jet lag off until he got back. But I can tell you that he is not currently on Earth or on a mission.”

“Alfred!” Damian hissed, shocked that the man would say something so revealing. Alfred was the perfect secret keeper, why would he tell someone Bruce had never mentioned something so telling?”

“Oh, calm yourself Master Damian,” Alfred soothed. “Marinette has known about Master Bruce’s nighttime activities since before you were born. If anything, I believe he rightfully deserves the wake up call he is about to receive.”

Marinette nodded, eyes still stormy and determined. “Alright, so he’s at the Watchtower. The Zeta tunes are still in the Batcave, right?” When Alfred nodded, Marinette wasted no time. She easily slid around Damian and stormed into the manor, finding her way to the Batcave on pure muscle memory and rage.

“Wait, Alfred! I demand an explanation!” Damian’s loud voice slowly grew quieter as Marinette stormed down into the cave, ignoring how Alfred began to calmly explain the situation to the boy. She just slid right in to the Zeta tube, and commanded the computer to send her to the Watchtower.

“P-001, codename LADYBUG, recognized.”

—*—*—*—*—*

Batman pinched his nose from where he stood at the head of the meeting room in the watchtower. The briefing was supposed to start over an hour ago, but Hal Jordan had been twenty minutes late. No surprise there. But still, SuperMan had insisted that they wait until everyone arrived. And really, normally Batman would too. Except that his long time girlfriend was going to be landing in Gotham any minute now, and he would rather be back at the manor to greet her.

And the asinine argument that had been going on for the past forty minutes was finally going to end, even if Bruce had to hogtie every last one of his insufferable coworkers himself and force them through the rest of the meeting strapped to their chairs.

“Okay, can we PLEASE begin the meeting now, or so help me I will break out my kryptonite restraints,” he threatened darkly. He might have only mentioned Kryptonite, but everyone knew that that threat was actually aimed at all of them. Batman knew every last one of their weaknesses and was not above being petty when they strained his last nerve.

Quickly getting the hint, the entire room rushed to fill their seats and at least fake at paying attention. But of course, nothing goes quite right in the life of Bruce Wayne. Right as he turned on the slideshow he had prepared and began the meeting, the sound of an enraged woman’s voice echoed down the hallway in a deafening roar.

“BRUCE THOMAS WAYNE, YOU ARE IN SOOOO MUCH TROUBLE!”

Batman felt as if someone had just shoved him into a cryogenic freezer, a harsh shiver of dread running down his spine. There was exactly one person who could terrify him with a single word, and it just so happened to be the woman he was hiding a wedding ring from.

For the past eight years, but that’s neither here nor there.

“Oh shit,” Bruce breathed, but found he was unable to move from his spot. Yes, he wanted to see Marinette so badly that it hurt. But he also would like to stay alive.

SuperMan leaned forward, not really concerned since Batman would have reacted much differently had the voice been coming from a real threat. Instead, the man leveled his old friend with a very teasing smirk.

“Why is your heart suddenly racing?”

Bruce could only glare daggers at Clark before the door to the meeting room swung open, a tiny French woman standing there in a long, formal white-and-pink knee-length gown with a cheongsam neckline and one of her leaf-green heels held in each hand threateningly.

“You absolute idiot! When I said I wanted to keep our relationship out of the public eye, I didn’t mean to keep me a secret from EVERYBODY!”

“But darling—“ Bruce cut himself off as he was forced to dodge one deadly-accurate piece of flying footwear. “You don’t understand. The boys cannot keep a secret to save their life.”

“They have secret identities, don’t they?” She slipped her other shoe back on. She had known that her shoe never had a chance of hitting, and with Bruce in full Batman gear, even if it had hit him the high heel would have felt like she had only thrown a pillow. Had it been otherwise, she wouldn’t have even joked about throwing her shoes at him. But as it stood, she knew none of the normal things she had on her would be able to so much as make Bruce say “ow.”

Marinette placed both of her fists on her hips, marching up to Batman and pulling him down the full foot it took for him to be able to look her in the eye. His resulting gulp was clearly audible, and visible, to everyone else in the room. “You absolute, emotionally dense moron,” her voice had dropped from a yell to a mildly fond, but still very annoyed, grumble. “Your kids are mostly adults now, you know. And you never told me about Damian either. Did you honestly think I’d be mad?” Bruce looked away from her, which was honestly all the answer she needed. Marinette sighed, letting him go and softening her voice. “You need to trust your kids more, Bruce. I never wanted you to keep me a secret from your family, or even your close friends. Just the annoying ass paparazzi. And trust me a little bit more, yeah? I know it isn’t exactly your strong suit, but I’ve known you long enough that you should know I’m not gonna run for the hills just because you have a biological kid that wasn’t with me.” Marinette risked giving him a slightly vulnerable, lopsided smile. And Bruce immediately deciphered what it meant. His shoulders slumped.

The cost of using the Ladybug Miraculous for so long was that Marinette had to give up her fertility. She could never have children of her own, and Bruce had felt guilty that he had had a biological child, even though he hadn’t exactly consented to it, without her. But now he could see where he went wrong.

Marinette was just happy to have another piece of him to take care of. She never would have resented him for what had happened with Talia. And, seeing all of those facts written on her face now, he felt more than a little blind.

“... sorry.”

Marinette just huffed out a short, soft laugh before grabbing Bruce by the bicep. She turned to look at the other heroes still in the room, half of them uncomfortable with seeing such an emotional display while the others looked like they were incredibly invested in a good soap opera. She shot them a grin.

“I’m stealing him for the next few days, okay? Don’t worry, I’m sure you can make do with making Diana read the slideshow. I know from experience that it has everything you guys need to know and more. Don’t call us, I’ll field all your contact to Agent A!!” With that, she dragged Bruce by the arm out of the room.

To be fair, he wasn’t exactly resisting. Even if the reunion was far from ideal, just having this little bit of contact was extremely relaxing for the vigilante. When they reached the Zeta Tubes, he stopped Marinette and pulled her in for a kiss.

When they inevitably pulled away for breath, he smiled at her. “As soon as we get back, I’ll call everyone in and explain the situation,” he promised. “And then, we can spend the rest of the night doing whatever you want.”

Marinette smiled back, shoving him into the Zeta Tube. “Then get ready, because I wanna sleep off this damn jet lag and I plan on cuddling you like a koala the whole time. No escape.”

“B-001, Codename BATMAN. Recognized.”

“Can’t wait,” he replied right before he was whisked off. The sound of the love of his life laughing followed him through until he reached the other end of the teleportation.

—*—*—*—*—*

@maribat-writing-and-prompts

[coochiequeens]

A man with a history of assault over a Sonic the Hedgehog game, who admitted that his trans identity was just a way to have sex with lesbians is now charged with sexual assault against a 79 year old woman with mental impairments who happens to be his own MOTHER.               But don’t misgender him alright because everyone should have their pronouns respected 🤮

The internet was abuzz with discussion after the Greene County Circuit Court of Virginia announced the case of Christian Weston Chandler will be brought before a Grand Jury to determine whether or not his felony charges will go to trial.

Chandler, widely known by his moniker Chris Chan, was arrested in August of 2021 after it was revealed that he had engaged in sexual relations with his 79-year-old mother, who reportedly has severe mental impairments. Chandler was charged with one count of incest the time of his arrest, and has been held without bail awaiting trial since. 

But on July 29, the case was updated at the Green County Circuit Court revealing Chandler’s charges will be heard before a Grand Jury. A Grand Jury is comprised of civilians who are called to review a case prepared by the state. The purpose of the hearing is to determine if there is probable cause to believe the accused has committed the crime they have been charged with and should stand trial. In Chandler’s case, he would be standing trial on felony incest, which comes with a potential prison sentence of up to 12 years if found guilty.

Chandler was arrested in August shortly after audio was leaked in which he repeatedly admitted to having had sexual contact with his elderly mother, Barbara. The admissions took place while Chandler was on a call with an individual he reportedly thought to be a trusted friend, who was in fact recording the conversation for the purposes of leaking it to a Discord sever.

In the audio, Chandler states he had been “doing it every third night” with his senior mother. Later text messages sent by Chandler included grisly details about having performed oral sex on the elderly woman, even after she told him “stop.”

After the audio began to circulate, a flood of online sleuths began contacting local authorities, prompting them to conduct a welfare check on Chandler’s mother, Barbara, on July 30, 2021. Authorities removed Barbara from the home and brought her to a hospital where a physical assessment was conducted. While the results of the assessment were not released, Chandler was immediately issued an emergency protective order barring him from access to the residence he shared with his mother.

Shortly after being made temporarily homeless by the EPO, Chandler reportedly stole money from his mother’s bank account, which he had access to, in order to pay for motel accommodations and various cartoon toys. Some noted this move may have violated the EPO established by police.

Chandler has been considered a celebrity in some circles of the internet after first coming to attention in 2007 for his original comic Sonichu — a character representing a combination of Sonic the Hedgehog and Pikachu from Pokemon. The comics were extremely poorly drawn, resulting in memes and mockery. His life has spawned entire online communities who obsessively gather to discuss and share information on him, with some of those communities having been active for over a decade.

Chandler began calling himself a “lesbian-identified male” in 2014, shortly before coming out as transgender and adopting the name Christine. In 2016, Chandler announced on Facebook he had manifested a functional vagina and breasts after listening to YouTube hypnotization videos. Many speculate he simply mutilated his own perineum.

A pinned Twitter post made on July 11, 2021 reaffirms Chandler stating “I am female, please address and talk about me with the correct pronouns.”

After Chandler was arrested in 2021, discussion on social media surrounding his pronouns and transgender identity became widespread as users argued about whether or not to “respect” how he identified, despite the facts questions still existed about his intentions for transitioning.

After the announcement that Chandler’s case was going to be heard before a Grand Jury, his moniker ‘Chris Chan’ began trending on Twitter and re-igniting discussion around his pronouns.

Many trans activists have asserted that Chandler’s pronouns must be respected even if he is misrepresenting his trans identity, which some have noted Chandler himself once claimed was a ploy to have sex with lesbian women.

Prior to the August 2021 arrest, Chandler had a run-in with the law in 2014 after macing a GameStop employee during a disagreement over Sonic the Hedgehog. Chandler spent 3 nights in jail and was later handed a 6-month suspended sentence and a $500 fine on a misdemeanor conviction.

Chandler was initially identified as a ‘female’ by Police, but his sex has since been corrected to ‘male’ within the jail system. He was reportedly initially housed with women after being arrested, but has since been moved to the male section of the Central Virginia Regional Jail.

The Grand Jury will be hearing Chandler’s case on August 8.

By Jennifer Seiland Jennifer is a founding member of the Reduxx team, writing with a focus on crimes against women and sex-based rights rights advocacy. She is located in the American south where she is a passionate animal welfare advocate and avid coffee drinker.

[zeppelin-and-unicorns]

So, as I said in a previous post, I spent the whole night yesterday making picrews, and I thought: “Why not make picrews of the fictional family that I love more than everything in this world?”

Anyway, here they are! This is a close representation of how I picture the Hyde family whenever I think about the TSG universe (I am going to come up with a different name for this universe one day I promise). I am also going to give you guys some glimpses about their quirks and their personalities, so, click on the thingy if you’re interested on reading that.

Unfortunaly, it was impossible to make Jackie and Gracie’s eyes the way I picture them (mismatched, lol. I know this is a controversial topic but every single time I see the show I notice how Jackie’s eyes are different colors and I add that to every single one of my fics. It’s one of her little flaws that only makes her more perfect). So just pretend that one of their eyes is blue-ish, and the other one is green-ish.

Oh, and as I post more and more picrews, you might notice that out of all the adults characters from the TSG universe, Jackie’s the only one who doesn’t have any wrinkles. Years of a very strict skincare routine payed off really well for her.

Hyde grew his beard back, mostly because I always picture him with a beard when he’s older. Oh, and sorry for the lack of sunglasses, he stopped wearing them everyday when Dylan was a baby (he kept taking them off his face and throwing them at the ground lol).

On the left, we see Layla, the eldest and the wisest from all the three kids. The age gap between her and her siblings is big, so they always run to her when they need advice about something. 

Layla’s a lot like Jackie, she cares about her looks, she’s a social butterfly, and she’s probably the most popular girl in school. She’s not shallow though, nor does she have the superiority complex Jackie had in the first few seasons of the show, Hyde and Jackie made sure to raise her well. 

Layla’s also a bookworm, and a big romantic at heart. One of her dreams is to publish an epic romance novel, and writing is probably one of her favorite things in the entire world. She has this little red notebook filled with heart stickers in the cover where she often writes poems -- and Jackie is the only person allowed to read said poems.

Her hair is naturally wavy (as showed in the picture), but she starts to straighten it when she’s older. She grew up in the 90s after all.

Then there’s Dylan, or as I like to call him, the Hyde’s little evil spawn.

Don’t get me wrong here, Dylan is literally so sweet, and he cares about his family more than anything in the world. He’s a sucker for his mom’s hugs and he wants to be like Hyde in the future, but he also has a lot of pent up energy, which tends to put him into some pretty funny situations.

Dylan has a partner in crime, his name’s Jordan and he’s Fez and Laurie’s son (I’ll post a picrew of him later too). I’ve based Dylan and Jordan’s friendship on the Weasley twins from Harry Potter, they are natural pranksters and they drive Laurie and Jackie insane. Red helps the duo out with their pranks sometimes, claiming it’s “payback” for all the years he had to tolerate his son and his dumbasses friends mooching off him and making his life “miserable”. Dylan and Red also have a cute bond, we’ll see more of that in the sequel.

As he grows older, Dylan gets tall. Like, Jackie’s a midget next to him, guys (that doesn’t stop her from coddling him though). No one knows where he’s got that height from, and he uses that to his advantage (by placing Jackie and Layla’s Pop music CDs on high places that they couldn’t possibly reach just to mess with them. Oh, and he also joins the basketball team lol).

He’s very protective of his family, like, really protective, and he doesn’t take shit from anyone. He has a special soft spot for Hannah (Eric and Donna’s younger daughter). Hannah is a year older than him, and she’s hearing impaired. One day a guy from school stole her hearing aid to mess with her, and he got the beating of a lifetime. Dylan was suspended and Jackie went to the school to yell at the principal and defend her son, because she’s that kind of mom.

Don’t get any wrong ideas about Dylan and Hannah though, they were raised like siblings.

Dylan’s very into cars (another thing in common he has with Red), and when Hyde finally gives him the Camino, he babies the fuck out of it.

And last but not least... Gracie. Or Erica, as Eric likes to remind everyone about it.

Gracie will only be three years old in the sequel, so we won’t see a lot of her personality, but as I said many times, I do plan on writing one-shots about the kids when they’re older once the sequel is done, so...

Hyde has a special nickname for her, he calls her his little “Goldilocks” because her hair is curly and it’s almost a golden color. She’s a very smart kid and she’s always drawing.

Seriously, Jackie and Hyde’s fridge is filled with Gracie’s drawings, it’s the sweetest thing. They never threw a single drawing of her away, they always keep them, and they incentivize her as much as possible when she’s growing up.

She grows up to be an artsy person, and she’s very talented. She’s not a social butterfly like Layla, nor is she a “badass” like Dylan, she’s an introvert, she likes to stay home with her parents (she loves her parents so much) and have movie marathons with them on the weekends instead of going out to party.

She hangs out a lot with Katie (Fez and Laurie’s youngest daughter), who’s her best friend and her complete opposite, they have a bunch of sleepovers where they watch a ton of horror movies together and stuff their faces with ice cream. Their friendship is really something else, and she’s the first person Gracie comes out to (yup, Gracie’s a lesbian).

Gracie and Eric are very close, and she gets him very into Harry Potter. It’s funny, because Eric insists that he’s a Gryffindor, and Gracie tells him he’s totally a Hufflepuff, which makes him mad and they end up bickering because of it. But overall, they love each other a lot, and Eric’s a father figure to her.

Her relationship with Jackie and Hyde is beautiful. She’s not afraid of asking them for cuddles when she’s feeling down, and they are literally her biggest supporters. When Layla moves out for good (insert very sad Jackie and Hyde noises), they turn her room into a mini art studio for Gracie, and she spends most of her days there, listening to music and painting whatever comes to her mind.

Wow, I got really excited and I ended up talking waaay too much, but well... I love this family so much, I couldn’t help myself.

If you have any questions about the TSG sequel or about the characters in general, please feel free to send them to me!

Posting picrews of the Forman family next!

[bellatrixxue]

Xue’s Supernatural Dare: Wendigo (S1 EP2)

Hello, everyone? How did everyone feel about the finale? Yes? Yes? Oh. Oh. Oh my. Oh, dear.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell that half-assed homophobic chicken-shit fuckbucket’s not gonna stop me, since I strapped myself onto this roller coaster already and I promised I’m not getting out until the ride’s over, so here we go, wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Also, those who are in this roller coaster with me, ready? Tag list is: @fangirlxwritesx67​ @amazingiam00​ @kalliravenne​ @indecisive20something​ @2musiclover2​ @impossibletosleepthrough @there-must-be-a-lock​ @wingedcatninja​ @arvit​

Oh my gods this recap is so cheesy I actually can make a fondue out of it. 2000s, everybody!

A WHOLE MINUTE AND A HALF FOR THAT FONDUE

FUCKJUMPSCARETITLEFUCKYOU

So we’re starting the episode with the murder scene first, eh? Is that gonna be a trend?

Oh come on, Chads, you’re out in nature and you’re playing video games? Absorb the nature...before it absorbs you!

Waitwait. Holy shit is that...is that Cory Monteith? Oh, bless his soul...

If the wendigo eats his dick as he’s peeing I’m immediately giving Jensen Ackles $100. For no real reason, I just feel like giving him money for already carrying the show on his back.

I can’t tell if it did or not, so I’m not paying yet.

Aw, Sammy...

"I should have told you the truth.” *Vine voice* BUT YOU DIDN’T

FUCKYOUINTHEASSHOhnightmare. Nightmare. So did he visit her at her grave or not? I need answers.

A week? Goddamn. Poor thing. That man-eating tree’s fucking good at his job, man.

“There’s nothing there, it’s just...woods,” Sam, I don’t know if Jess’s death hit you hard or if you got into law school by eating some ancient dick and/or pussy instead of earning that high score fair and square, but the woods “in the middle of nowhere” (your words) are known to be one of the top places full of weird-ass creatures. Even kindergartners know that.

Ehehehehehehehehe he’s so smol next to his lil bro my lil shit

At least you’re coming up with decent covers this time. No Agent Mulder and Scully ruining things for you this time around.

“Bull” oop-

Oh Dean’s a smoooooooooth operator. Good going, buddy.

AND HE GOT A COPY OF THAT DOCUMENT TEAM DEAN TEAM DEAN

Oh that death really got to Sam. I hope he doesn’t turn out to be a trigger-happy psycho. Or eat the man-eating tree and become one himself.

Oh, Haley’s a cutie! Which one’s her brother? Cory? Discount Enrique Iglesias?

Do you have a card for EVERY profession, Dean? And how do I get them too?

That is a very pretty car. I bet they wasted half the budget on that thing.

Okay, sonny boy, little bro, Broseidon, calm down.

Ah, fuck, Haley and Broseidon is gonna go into the woods, that’s more heads to worry about.

How the fuck does Sam find information this fast? I’m impressed, I take five hours to get to one article for my research paper. Or maybe I’m just lazy. So he really earned his law school interview without having to eat dick and pussy, huh.

Every 23 years? What is this, Pennywise? Are we going to see the wendigo do his best Tim Curry do his best scary clown impression? Honk honk?

“Whatever that thing is, it can move.” And the sun rises on the East, Sammy. Why are you so smart and dumb at the same time? Is this his character trait? It might grow on me.

Ahhh, so Sam’s go-to move at interrogation is doing puppy dog eyes and sympathize with the person. He’d make a good lawyer, shame that man-eating tree.

Go Grandpa Exposition, go!

Go Grandpa Exposition, go, give us information and none at all!

OH GEEZ THAT SCAR. PENNYWISE WENDIGO IS VICIOUS.

Skinwalker, Back Dog...Ooh, those all sound cool! I hope we get to see them soon!

‘Corporeal’ doesn’t sound like a real word, but then again, English doesn’t sound like a real language. Sorry. Moving on.

Sam’s gonna eat the wendigo with that attitude, Jesus Christ.

AND HIS BROTHER, AT THIS RATE. If the real villain turns out to be inside Sam all along I’m gonna flip. Is that why women keep dying and burning on ceilings where he sleeps? Is he secretly Lucifer’s spawn or something?

“Oh sweetheart I don’t wear shorts”. They queer-coded him from the start and they tried to make you believe he was straight for fifteen seasons straight? And some people bought that?

Oh, crap, another crappy death treatment for Cory before he got into Glee...No, I wasn’t into Glee, I just watched a few episodes and I might hate Rachel Berry...And Lea Michele...ahem...

Dean is totally flirting with Roy shut upppppppp

OOP AND THERE ROY GOES OH THE SEXUAL TENSION IS HIGH IN THESE WOODS TODAY

“It’s probably the most honest I’ve been with a woman. Ever.” See. Bi. Bi bi bi.

So...why the coordinates, Daddy Negan? Is this a portal to Hell? A place where man-eating trees grow?

*carefully places death flag on Roy*

Ooooh the campsite is very...haunted house-y. You know what I’m saying?

That’s not Discount Enrique Iglesias, but Pennywise wendigo, yes? Those things can mimic human voices, right?

*Google searches*...There are so many versions of this tale I can’t even confirm or deny it. Dammit.

Maybe Pennywise wendigo just wants some snacks and a nice phone and GPS? Maybe he misses his family in uh, Canada or something?

Daddy Negan’s journal is  a e s t h e t i q u e .

I’m so sorry, but the way Sammy smirks as he speaks with those dark, dark voids for eyes? My boy’s a demon. He’s a demon, I’m telling you.

At least Haley has some sense to her. *puts another death flag on Roy*

*PUTS YET ANOTHER DEATH FLAG ON ROY*

True, that. What the heck is Daddy Negan up to with all of this?

“Saving people, hunting things, the family business!” Okay, the way Dean said it gave me chills.

I can actually empathize with Sam here...As whiny and bitchy as he is, he has his reasons to be this way. I guess if I were in his shoes, I’d be less of a Dean and more of a Sam, too. We deal with our losses quite similarly.

Ah, the brotherly bonding moments like these little talks make the show worth it. It’s so heartwarming.

Pennywise wendigo! I didn’t miss you, why’re you here to burst my happy bubble?

I’m starting to see a slight parallel between Haley and Broseidon and Dean and Sammy. Hmm.

Nice meeting you, Roy. Zoop you go.

Haley and Broseidon are taking this rather well, I’m glad they do.

Okay, actual exposition time, thank you.

Whoa, Broseidon speaks! Donner Party! Please don’t remind me of that! Those poor people!

Hibernation and food storage. Delightful, just delightful.

TORCHING? *CALLS RAMMSTEIN*

Somehow, not being able to see the wendigo is scarier to me than what I will probably see itself. Limited budget horror can actually work well.

Oh, dear, Roy literally did a death drop. Badum tissssssssss.

FUCK IT TOOK DEAN THE ONLY CHARACTER I CARE ABOUImean I love you too, Sam! Come on, let’s find him before it’s too late!

A trail of M&Ms! Yes, Broseidon! And Hansel and Gretel refercalled it. Sammy, you and I share the same wavelength?

SHITSHITTHEYTRIPPEDANDFELLINTHEFUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Thank the gods the Pennywise wendigo kept them right there. Chances.

DISCOUNT ENRIQUE IGLESIAS IS STILL ALIVE GEEZ BUT ALSO PHEW

Ah, Dean Winchester, I love you so much that I can’t even begin to describe it.

Also how convenient that the flare guns are there. Deus ex machina!

Haley would bode well as a hunter, look at her courage, her will. There are more hunters around than Daddy Negan and the brothers, right?

Yeah, seeing the actual wendigo makes me less scared of it now. It’s unnerving, but still.

TEAM DEAN YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAW

Graphics are...alright, but it’s the thought that counts!

Running with the grizzly bear story. Smart Broseidon. Ben. Sorry, you deserve to be called by your real name. I think with practice they could become good hunters, along with their Discount Enrique Iglesias brother! Is there a fanfiction for that? Can I write it now?

...

I AM WILLING TO DIE TO PROTECT DEAN WINCHESTER I

Haley’s a lesbian, that’s why she kissed him on the cheek only. Headcanoned. Also I have a crush on her, she’s really pretty? Like? Heart eyes???

Ah, the siblings parallels again. Let’s hope neither of the two brothers end up in the bed like that.

“Man, I hate camping.” Really. Really really. Really.

“I’m driving”

...

SAM WINCHESTER I’M SORRY I EVER SPOKE ILL OF YOU I WILL PROTECT YOU WITH MY LIFE TOO I PROMISE YOU I WILL

It’s just a sassy bisexual brother and his little snide bisexual brother on the road to kill evil creatures and find their father and I love this show? Help? Help???

I really, really see the charm of Supernatural now! I’m fully invested in both brothers and their story, and I’m cheering them both on! Let’s get Daddy Negan back and get rid of that man-eating tree once and for all!

Six stars out of five!

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

This dare is introducing me to a whole new world, and I really, really am glad I took that jump a few days ago, man!

Thank you everyone for reading my ramblings, and I’ll see you in the day after with the next review! Thank you for sticking with me! Buh-bye!

- Xue

[fytheuntamed]

Do you have any thoughts on why the novel might be so popular among lgbt people despite (sometimes quite obviously) being written by a straight women for straight women. I think this is quite evident in for example the sex scenes

Why do I think the novel is so popular amongst LGBTQ+ people despite being written by a straight woman for straight women? Simple! It’s a good story and the characters are complex and intriguing. No piece of media is ever perfect, so it simply comes down to whether an individual feels the positive aspects of the media outweigh the negative aspects of the media. Are there problematic aspects within the novel? Of course! But that doesn’t mean the novel as a whole should be disregarded. You can consume media while still being critical of it, just like you can like a character while acknowledging that they’re not a good person. LGBTQ+ people, like everyone else, value a good story and interesting characters, so even if there are aspects of the story that we dislike, we may still stick around if we think it’s worth it! Also, I think there’s a shortage of stories like “Mo Dao Zu Shi” where you have LGBTQ+ characters whose sexuality isn’t the focus of the story. Yes, Wangxian are soulmates and very much in love, but that isn’t the whole point. You have a delightful bundle of politics, magic, familial ties, concepts of right and wrong, mystery, etc etc that also features a beautiful love story between two men. I guess my point is, LGBTQ+ people are flawed just like everyone else and sometimes we consume content even if we don’t agree with every part of it.

I’ve avoided getting involved in any discourse surrounding the various versions of MDZS because I wanted to keep this blog drama free, however I would like to take this chance to offer my own thoughts on the “problematic” aspects of the novel. Before I get into it, I just want to make three things clear: 1) I’m white, 2) I’m not mlm, I’m a lesbian, and 3) I’ve only read the second half of the novel and honestly I can’t remember too much of the specifics. The relevance of my opinion on the matter, therefore, is limited and my words should be read with this fact in mind. I would love to hear everyone’s thoughts and feelings on this matter, so do feel free to either leave a comment or reblog and add your two-cents. All I ask is that we keep it respectful so this can continue to be an enjoyable space for all fans.

I’ve been going through the untamed’s tumblr tag daily since the start of this blog in August 2019, so I’ve seen the whole spectrum of opinions on this matter. Some people feel very strongly that some of the ways in which MXTX writes particular aspects of the novel are “problematic,” some people are indifferent, and others feel that criticism of MXTX’s writing comes from a lack of knowledge of Chinese culture (particularly LGBTQ+ Chinese culture). (I remember seeing a post touching upon this last matter, but I didn’t save it, so unfortunately I can’t link it.)

I think the two most common criticisms of the novel that I have come across pertain to matters of consent and the imposing of heteronormative concepts onto Wangxian. Again, I want to stress that I haven’t read the novel in its entirety and my memory of it is foggy. Talking about consent first, some felt the scene in the novel where LWJ kisses an unexpecting blindfolded WWX was a big no no, while others thought it was a very sweet, romantic scene. (To give context for those who have only seen the drama, this scene would have been placed in episode 25 had they included it). For this matter, I’m of the belief that consent is a must. Regardless of whether WWX enjoyed the kiss, the fact stands that no one is entitled to another’s body, and this is why consent is, in my eyes, non-negotiable. For those who have no problem with this scene, I do think it is worth considering how you would feel about this scene had it involved, say, Jin Zixuan kissing a blindfolded Jiang Yanli. If that had been the case, I do think the majority of readers would have found the scene in poor taste (I could be wrong, though!). I will say that the trope of the forceful kiss is extremely common and can be found in every genre; it’s definitely not restricted to LGBTQ+ couples. For the aforementioned reason, I don’t like the forceful kiss scenario irregardless of the genders of the people involved. I do think writing such scenes for LGBTQ+ couples in particular can perpetuate harmful stereotypes, particularly that LGBTQ+ people have no respect for personal boundaries and can’t control their physical desires. I think the situation is doubly bad if the person who is being kissed is “not yet gay,” because again, it perpetuates the idea of the big bad gay person and the innocent “straight” person who is at the whims of said big bad gay.

Moving on to WWX and LWJ’s sex life, I have seen multiple people in the tag mentioning WWX having a “rape kink” and their discomfort with this fact. Logically, I understand that we are all allowed, as human beings with different tastes and preferences, to enjoy the things that bring us pleasure (excluding certain obvious things). That being said, I do not personally enjoy rape fantasies in my media and try to stay far away from it. As I mentioned, we are all welcome to our own tastes and preferences, but I do think it is important that we realize that we are all also the product of our environments. Things, including kinks, do not exist in vacuums, and therefore they must arise as a result of some mixture of external and internal forces. Does MXTX giving WWX a rape kink automatically make her demon spawn? Not really. Does MXTX giving WWX a rape kink add anything to his character or the story? Also not really. All this being said, I do think LGBTQ+ media is oversaturated with consent issues and I’d personally like to see this come to an end, because once again, it perpetuates harmful stereotypes that do have a real impact on LGBTQ+ individuals.

As for the imposing of heteronormative concepts onto Wangxian, I think the biggest complaint I’ve seen is about WWX being referred to as the “mom” or the “wife” within the Wangxian couple. I would like to state here that this may be a situation in which cultural differences come into play. Additionally, because the novel is not originally written in English, it may be a case of telephone in which the true meaning becomes distorted as it is translated from one language to another and then to another and so on and so forth. Therefore, I am going to proceed with my thoughts on the matter in a more generalized way. For me, this is a big pet peeve of mine, to the point where I will not reblog content that refers to any of the male characters as “mom” or “wife.” My reasoning is simple: WWX is a man, so he would be someone’s “dad” or “husband,” not their “mom” or “wife.” I know from first-hand experience that non-LGBTQ+ people will often try to place a gay couple within a heterosexual context to make it easier for them to process how two women or two men could be together. I understand the reasoning behind this way of thinking, but that does not mean this way of thinking should be encouraged. It’s bad enough that non-LGBTQ+ couples are ensnared in an endless maze of gendered ways of being and thinking - let’s not force that on LGBTQ+ couples as well. My other issue is that the words “mom” and “wife” not only have gendered connotations, but they have implicit sexual connotations as well. In this context, “mom” and “wife” are just another way of saying “bottom.” Just think about it; nobody’s out there calling LWJ “mom” or “wife.” The whole idea of “top” and “bottom” in gay media is so……..it’s almost like an obsession? And for those of you who may be thinking it’s not that deep and has no bearing on real life….I really wish that were true. Go look at the comments section of any gay couple’s youtube video and you will invariably find someone asking who is the top and who is the bottom. That’s invasive as fuck, y’all, and you don’t see that shit on straight couple’s videos (again, because the assumption is that women are always in the submissive, therefore there’s no need to ask because it’s assumed the answer will always be that the woman “bottoms” and the man “tops”). All this being said, I can only speak about this matter from my viewpoint as a lesbian. If one day I were to get married, I wouldn’t want people referring to my wife as my “husband,” because the whole point is that we’re both the wife! I know there isn’t one rule/mindset that applies to all gay people, so I would love to hear others’ feelings on this matter.

Finally, I would also like to briefly touch upon Mo Xuanyu, who we don’t really get to see in the drama. I don’t know whether LWJ or WWX ever explicitly state their sexualities or which gender(s) they’re attracted to, but I’m pretty sure Mo Xuanyu is explicitly stated to be strictly into men (please correct me if I’m wrong!). I do wonder what MXTX’s intentions were (if there were any) when she decided to make Mo Xuanyu gay, because what I’ve grasped of his characterization is that he is written similarly to other gay male characters that give the impression they were created by checking off a list of every popular stereotype about gay men. I guess I’m just curious, as someone who knows very little about Mo Xuanyu, how others felt about his character in terms of complexity and stereotypes.

If you took the time to read all this, thank you! Let me know your thoughts~

[mars-the-4th-planet]

Roman and Neo meet a Raccoon, it ends pretty much how you expect.

"Heh... Neo, the good guys are hunting us, the bad guys are hunting us, just like old times when huh?" Roman pointed out. Neo smiled and nodded, the thought of it brought her nostalgia. She remembered when she was just a street thug and he was a spoiled valefia (Vale mafia) boy making a break with his fathers dust. He had such a cute hat. And he still does, Neo thought.

The two of them were sitting down, their backs against the ruins of a house that had an Atlesian drone fall into it. They were still both handcuffed unfortunately, and had basically no idea what to do next. The whole area was under lockdown so they could not leave, and it was unlikely anyone would want to save them. A young dog faunus boy with brown hair sat nearby on a sandbag, playing a video game. Roman tried asking him where he parents were but he just said they would be back soon and started crying so he left the boy alone to play his video game.

Just then, a Raccoon Faunus girl about the same age as Neo walked in. Her face and hands were marked by ink-black skin and her nails were like little claws. She was wearing trendy albeit dirty and worn clothes and had fake raccoon ears and a belt that made it look like she had a Raccoon tail. The black mask-like marking make her eyes seem very big and bright, and she grinned at them with her pointy little canines. "Oh mein gosh! Tis Roman and Neo, I am ze big fan! Please, tell me what nefarioux plans you dous have been cooking up!"

"Currently we are planning to cheat, lie, steal, and survive. To do that we need to get out of these handcuffs." Roman said, smooth as ever.

"Hm... I just so happen to have a lockpick on me!" The raccoon girl said, pulling one out. "I can totally let you free, for a price~"

"And what price would that be?" Roman asked. Neo let him do the talking, however contrary to popular belief it was not because he was a man, but because she was physically incapable of speech. And even if this girl knew sign language, Neo was handcuffed.

"I want ze kiss!"

Roman smiled smugly. "Of course, I should have known. Neo? I would never think to ask you to do something like this, but can you please take one for the team?"

Neo nodded and puckered up.

"No no no, xaxaxaxaxa! I meant a kiss from you Roman!"

Roman blinked in surprise. "You what?"

"Come on, you know you are gorgeoux!"

"Yes I am," Roman agreed. "but I guess I was not expecting you to be into men."

"Vat is ZHAT supposed to mean?? You damn baque fool!" The raccoon girl pouted. "I am not ze lesbian! I am a thief and scoundrel! Like you!" her strange accent got stronger when she was annoyed.

Roman looked over at Neo. "May I kiss the wannabe villain?"

Neo nodded, although she did not look too happy about it.

"VANNABE? I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW I AM ZE EVILEST CRITTER ON TWO MEATY LEGS" She cried out in irritation.

"Mea-diocre legs maybe." Roman commented snidely.

Her cheeks went pink and the raccoon girl looked like she was about to scratch Roman. "Do you VANT to be let out of ZE CUFFS or do you just want to BE TEASIN'?"

"Of course, of course. Go ahead, do the evil thing and kiss and let us go." Roman said.

"You still dont think I am a real villain."

"I mean, you dont seem very evil..."

"I kick puppies!"

"Sure you do."

"Looksy! Watch me!" The raccoon girl walked over to the dog faunus boy. She lightly put her foot against him with all the force of talking a step forward. Mistaking this move as an attempt to play fight, he fake snarled and bit her foot. The raccoon girl yelped and grabbed his nose too force him to release her so he could breath. He would have let go anyway as her sneaker did not taste all that good.

Neo was silently giggling at the display.

"Yes, quite the villain you are."

"Are you going to kiss or nah?" She growled.

"Okay, come and get it." Roman licked his lips and made an exaggerated flirty expression. The raccoon girl blushed. She came up but got nervous at the last moment and kissed his cheek instead. Neo rolled her eyes.

"Is that all? Okay." Roman said. Something clattered behind Neo, and she was looking down at it before facing the raccoon girl again.

"Xaxaxaxaxa, your cheek is soft Roman Torchwick!" The raccoon girl said with a shy grin.

"Thats what Neo would say, if she could." Roman said.

"Xaxa! I really am a big fan though, even when you give mockings. I can just imagine it now, me and you together ruling the Holy Roman Empire, you the Emperor and me your right hand partner!"

Neo scootched forward and kicked her in the shin. "Yow! That was joke!"

"Are you going to unlock us now or what?" Roman asked.

"Nope, I have fooled and scammed you! Who is evil and bad critter now hmmmm~?" The raccoon girl giggled and ran off singing about how she is a villain.

Neo smirked and picked up the lockpick she had swiped with her teeth while the raccoon girl was kissing Roman and entirely focused on that.

Using it first to free herself and then Roman, they got up.

"You are truly amazing, Neo." Roman said in awe. "I was about to ask what that clattering was. But now I am happy I didnt bring attention to it."

Neo spawned them both some ice cream and they ate their dessert together.

"You know neo, about what she said... I HAVE two hands you know." And he held out his ice cream covered gloved hands. Since they had not dishes, they ate out of cupped hands. Technically it was only Roman who got sustainance out of it, as Neo had to use an equivalent amount of her aural energy to make the ice cream in the first place.

Anyway, apon hearing this joke Neo smiled in her sweet/creepy way and held both of his hands in hers. They then kissed, and they lived happily ever-

"Stop right there criminal scum! You have violated the law, now pay your fine or its off to jail!" A Huntsman shouted. He was decked out in medieval looking armor and was holding a crowbar that was also a gun.

[probablygoodrpgideas]

Since you all loved the Lich Queen and her ex-wife, here is their story!

Bonifatia

Born 13/4 10000 BT

Bonifatia was a potato farmer in Zarn that had nothing special in life. Her parents both died when she was a teenager, she had no siblings, no friends, no lover, no nothing. Until one day, Bonifatia was 127, her local knight became a Vampire and killed everyone who didn’t manage to escape. Bonifatia was turned into a Vampire Spawn. She served the evil vampire for many years.

Hildegard

Born 12/3 10000 BT

Hildegard was the daughter of the local knight of Oifacburg. In that time, Okery wasn’t a unified nation yet, and Oifacburg was simply the biggest town in the region. She and her brother both studied magic, and they were both amazing at it. Like, really amazing. Her brother was older than her so she didn’t expect to ever rule and went adventuring instead. She didn’t have a permanent party, but she did have some people that helped her from time to time. All of that would change on the fateful

08/27 9430 BT

Hildegard decided to slay the vampire that ruled the small village Zarn with an iron fist. She went into the castle and got attacked by Vampire Spawn. But they were no match for the powerful wizard. She got to the Vampire Lord who began to fear for his unlife. He hoped that maybe he could increase his odds of survival if he turned all of his spawn into proper vampires who have much more fighting power after all. So he let one of them drink from his blood. But these few seconds were enough for Hildegard to turn the helpless Vampire into dust. With him, all of the Vampire Spawn vanished. Except for the one that got to drink the blood of the Vampire seconds before. This new Vampire Lord looked at her liberator and fell in love instantly. “My name is Bonifatia. I am pleased to meet you” she said quietly, and also a bit scared. Hildegard knew that this woman wasn’t a ruthless tyrant, at least not yet, and so decided to spare her life. They talked for a while. Hildegard, who never knew love in her 369 years of walking the material plane, fell in love with this woman in one evening.

The next morning, Bonifatia made herself the new knight of Zarn. The villagers first thought this wouldn’t change much, just one Vampire tyrant to the next, but she asked the villagers to her castle so they could draft a code of laws together. The villagers were surprised by this. They agreed that Bonifatia would protect the people of Zarn for a tenth of their monthly income, the usual knight stuff. They also agreed that Bonifatia could request up to 3 people every week to drink blood from, but she was not allowed to kill them in the process. This would allow her to keep living as a Vampire without having to kill anyone. She was also allowed to completely drain anyone she sentenced to death, making them her Spawn. Of course, the villagers would be extra careful about unnecessary death sentences.

Bonifatia and Hildegard decided to marry. This was probably a rushed decision, they hadn’t even known each other for a day yet. But so they traveled back to Oifacburg, to request the approval of Hildegard’s parents. When they arrived there, they found Hildegard’s parents to be very ill, on the verge of death. They thought it was weird their daughter wanted to marry a vampire, but they knew how smart she was so they gave her blessing. Before the two could actually marry, the parents died. Then, Hildegard’s brother surprised her: He didn’t want to become a knight, he wanted to open a school so he could teach magic to other people. Hildegard accepted to take the position instead of him, and so he could open the University of Oifacburg.  Too late, Hildegard realized that this could bring ruin to her town. She was married to a Vampire, and most people believed Vampires to be inherently evil. She wasn’t afraid of any individual, she, her brother and Hildegard together were (and still are) capable of killing almost anyone who would dare to oppose them. But in the south, two of the first nations of the world had recently formed. The Empire of Nar’Adsch and the Empire of Oozridge. They had armies, and these armies could kill Bonifatia. But Hildegard had a plan. She wanted to unite the villages of Okery to become a nation.

Hildegard didn’t want to create an Empire like the Basguri or the Dragon-Kaiser. She lived her whole life under a system where the people of a village swear their allegiance to a knight and get protection and governing in exchange for a percentage of their income. Hildegard wanted to implement this system on a higher scale. The knights should swear allegiance to her, their Queen, and get protection and governing in exchange for a percentage of their income. Also, they would have a large group of other knights they could rely on should an emergency arise.

It took them almost 20 years to convince all the knights of Okery to swear allegiance to Hildegard. Some of them saw the benefits of uniting under one banner, some of them refused, so she killed them and replaced them with people loyal to her. After Okery was united, Hildegard realized that she needed second-in-commands, ruling all of these knights at once would be too much for her. So she made two knights her “Major Knights”. These knights would each rule over all knights within their region while still serving Queen Hildegard. The first major knight was the knight of Magdfurt, the second one was supposed to be Bonifatia, but she declined. She was contempt with ruling her little village and helping her wife in ruling the nation. So the knight of Trar got the title instead.

And so Hildegard and Bonifatia ruled together for many happy years. When the King founded his Kingdom of Humans in the east, he modeled his governing system after Hildegard’s. He, Hildegard and Bonifatia talked a lot about government and other stuff and the three became friends. But after a few centuries, Hildegard became very sad. The King was made immortal by his people’s belief in him and Bonifatia was an immortal Vampire. It seemed as if she would die eventually, leaving her best friend and her wife behind.

But it should not come to this. Hildegard was still a very powerful wizard, and one day, a stranger knocked on her palace doors and said he could help her with her magical research. Intrigued, she let them in. The stranger revealed himself to be Micolo, god of Necromancy. He told her that he was deeply thankful, Hildegard and Bonifatia did a lot for the social acceptance of the Undead in Draxnor. For that, he would share the secrets of Lichdom with her. And so Hildegard became an immortal Lich. A few decades later, her brother discovered the Clone spell, essentially making him immortal as well. And so it came that Hildegard still rules Okery to this day, her brother leading the University, her wife leading Zarn, and her best friend leading the Kingdom. Nations around them came and went, but these four remained a staple in the history of Draxnor.

I can’t tell you how they broke up because that might be a spoiler for my campaign! Maybe you’ll find out eventually though! Hope you enjoyed reading this and remember:

It’s not 2 pages of lesbian fanfiction if it’s actually canon.

[floggingink]

Riverdale, “Chapter Forty-Seven: Bizarrodale”

Jughead eats: QUICK SHOT OF BRUNCH

the print on Josie’s bomber jacket? confounding

“If there’s no wedding reception, it means the Gargoyle King has won.”

Ms. McCoy in bright blue? confounding

have Moose’s eyebrows gotten thicker? he...he fine

Cheryl’s sheaths: like a true gay icon, Cheryl wears both a satiny demi-cup bustier and a flannel in bed with Toni, who’s rocking a sort of cottony Aerie bralette

Hermione’s earrings look like divining rods, which makes sense

“dangerously unhinged,” in this day and age? UNHINGED?

Cheryl is “legacy” in Riverdale’s version of Smith College

Cheryl’s pins: in her droopy 1920’s lady-reporter tie, Cheryl has a pin that is probably a bee but is POSSIBLY a giant frightening moth like in the Silence of the Lambs poster

Moose’s hair is longer or something and he’s like? I don’t know but I’m a gay boy all of a sudden, like let me at All That

I like how he pauses but goes in for more kisses after Kevin tells him he wants to ask him something

he’s like…..so tall….and he has this a little mole on his cheek….

(RIP Midge)

I’m writing a scene where it’s gay.: you look me in my pale astigmatic eyes and tell me the little snitch canary “told you they were in here sir” smug Malfoy stool pigeon ISN’T a pillow queen and I’ll give you this money RIGHT NOW. THAT thin-lipped smirk? with THAT cleft chin? he’s a gay, your honor

Sexy, aesthetic Southside: oh fuck!!!! Sweet Pea has a VERY vulnerable, soft-masculinity speech about his heartspace and emotional boundaries and he’s so fluffy-haired and trying to be gentle with himself……….SWEET PEA……..

Best costume bit: don’t miss the two-second shot of a Prostitute in a turquoise pencil skirt and red velvet blazer and pearls AND GLASSES leading a man by the tie down the Maple Club hallway

“Damn good coffee”: also this jazz music and Cheryl’s short pantsuit

WHERE CAN I GET CHERYL’S MINI BACKPACK

The Blossom spawn: I know Penelope Blossom is not out here suggesting there are no lesbians in what I assume is a women’s college. I remember when I got into My Women’s College one of the nuns at my church was like, Ha ha! Don’t let the drug-dealing lesbians get you! and I was like, How do you already know the plot of Riverdale season 3? but then I was also like, Ma’am why did you join this monastery?

Fifth period is AP English: “THIS IS THE PRICE OF SALT.”

Lawyer McCoy is right, Ex-Sheriff Keller IS a snack and this bitch’s blood sugar is low

I love Sierra and Whatsit playing Lawyers in bed because it happens to be my thing too and I want to be there with them

Certified pedigree: his name’s Tom right? he’s SO HANDSOME. everyone is so handsome right now!!!!!!! (I’m ovulating)

this is the same fancy hotel room Jughead and Betty stayed in when he sort of proposed to her? this is just the upscale version of the sex bunker

Kevin eats when he’s stressed, as you will recall from the drive-in S1 episode

“an epaulette to cry on”

Cheryl’s hair: and Cheryl’s sleeves!!!!!!!

Sixth period is Intro to Film: “looking like a community theater production of The Talented Mr. Ripley” is the SECOND time handsome bicurious Tom Ripley has been name-dropped (also the drive-in S1 episode)

“I can’t go back to Fox Forest” is like the most tragic thing. HE CAN’T GO CRUISING AGAIN

“Oh, sullen, tenderhearted Kevin.”

Cheryl’s a chaos angel from hell: “RAPTUROUS”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I like that Cheryl continues to use words like “whilst” and “amongst”

is Moose wearing a denim Henley? MOOSE?

the closed captioning renders it “O shutterbug of my dreams.” “O,” LIKE CHERYL IS SHAKESPEARE

I absolutely buy that Cheryl would ask if this was their first fight mid-fight

only Toni among us could wear that many necklaces at once

I did get a little confused when Toni confronts Cheryl in the bathroom, like at first it was about how you shouldn’t out people but then it was about her not being in the Serpents? let’s focus, ladies

The 2001 Josie and the Pussycats movie was a masterpiece: Josie’s commitment to keeping her eyeshadow coordinated with her jackets over her commitment to boys is aspirational

Every triangle has three corners, every triangle has three sides: I LOVE ARCHIE’S SIDE-EYE, LIKE………“SWEET PEA?”

Reggie on kneecapping: “Does that really happen?”

Reggie’s voice cracks me up. he’s just a big gorgeous squeezable side hustle dummy bro, so down for the ride, remember when he slugged Jughead? neither does he

REGGIE HONESTLY HONEST-TO-GOD IS JUST LIKE….RONNIE YO YOU NEED SOME MONEY?

“You can be my Baby Driver” uuuuuugggghghhhhhkkhhhhhhhhh REggggeieiee

“JUST PLEASE DON’T SCRATCH MY CAR” has more sexual energy than I think Archie has ever manufactured with anyone EXCEPT BETTY when they kissed that one time you know?????

why do you think Reggie is such a good doofus boyfriend while Archie was such a bad doofus boyfriend? is it because Archie tried to think for himself? or has Reggie just not been given the chance to fuck something up yet

I like Penelope bringing up Sierra and Tom getting married not to shade them but to just be like, They should be happy if they want. I was like, Damn, Penelope! You’re right!

“He is a vicious and petty god.”

lol oh yeah Hiram got shot

Gay?!: as has been discussed, Veronica is reading some classic lesbian pulp fiction for no other reason than I suppose she fucking likes it, and that is BDE

Summer + Blair = Veronica: Veronica would wear those shoes to baby drive

SOMEONE TAKE ME ON A “MAD SAPPHIC CAPER”

Archie > Dawson: Archie is a hot-or-cold boyfriend but he is an EXCELLENT beard!!!! GOOD, ARCHIE

I’ve seen Brick like thirty times: Reggie takes the same positive attitude towards getting shot and surviving that I hope I would have, which is “at least I can say I got shot”

Moose is like, out and THEREFORE dtf, as if they couldn’t have secretly been having sex this whole time

Toni conceded to Highsmith’s business formal dress code insofar as she wears a black vest over a plaid tie and that’s it

“WHOEVER YOU ARE, PLEASE BE CHILL.”

Veronica’s blue plaid coat SHOCKS me

Veronica was rich: Gladys admires Veronica and Reggie’s gumption showing up with only half the money

is it a coat or is it a miniskirt with a matching jacket?????

God bless jingle-jangle Moose: Moose is so excited that he just absolutely tells Cheryl he’s finally going to have sex. I know the show needs him to say it so Cheryl can tell him to BYOS, but it’s still cute of him, himself. is Moose kind of precious?

remember when Moose got gunned down in that car? Christ

HE BROUGHT A LITTLE RED CANDLE!!!!!

I love when people take off their whole belt, as if you can’t just undo it and still take your jeans off

dope deer skull! plus: everyone’s fucking

Mädchen Amick, MÄDCHEN AMICK: I’ve lost track a little bit of whether or not Alice KNOWS Betty and Jughead are literally/colloquially sleeping together in Betty’s bedroom, or are they taking advantage of her being gone?

The female gaze: Reggie’s chest is the new Archie’s chest

“NIGHT HAG”

“KEEP YOUR BOW CLOSE.”

Moose is MASSIVE like, do you see those arms?

Fwoopy hair is the best hair: HIS BEAUTIFUL FLIPPY HAIR ON THE PILLOW

Dilton Doiley Ethel Muggs The Gargoyle Children: the RROTC guy is Chris Cooper in American Beauty???

Gay.: Sierra was halfway right about “the jealousy thing”

even FP, conducting his interview in his flannel, is like, bruh

These students are legally children: his “Man, the Sisters did a number on you” feels like Riverdale’s version of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’s “The Catholics really fucked you up”

Jughead doubts it: Jughead makes a good point. is there one costumes everyone keeps using or is it that easy to DIY your own Gargoyle King?

“UR-KING,” JUGHEAD, PLEASE

oh I can see Jughead about to be disillusioned by his family coming a mile away

Archie’s soft soft sweater? confounding

at least Moose isn’t moving to Toledo, am I right

CHERYL’S SLEEVES?????????

What damn high school in America: Cheryl’s girl gang is 100% Teddy girls and I love them

THE WHITE STRIPE ON REGGIE’S SWEATER and the little black birds on Veronica’s shirt!

Gladys & JB are already a more powerful duo than FP & Jughead could ever hope to be

ARCHIE ASKS HER IF HE COULD KISS HER. THAT’S VERY SEXY OF YOU, ARCHIE. GOOD, ARCHIE

wait Moose is moving to Glendale? SABRINA-GLENDALE? MOOSE WAIT A SECOND?

NEXT WEEK: Gladys tells Veronica to pray, OH BOY

[comebackbehere23]

Cheryl Blossom is not weak. She isn’t. She doesn’t cave when people plead, and she barely bats an eye at a pitiful pout. Or at least she didn’t. And then Toni Topaz comes crashing into her world with wide, understanding brown eyes and a supportive touch…well, Cheryl can’t confidentiality say that she isn’t weak for everyone anymore. No, she has one special exception. One exception that is currently kneeling on their shared bed in nothing but red lace boy shorts and oversized t-shirt, and wearing a pout that makes Cheryl’s knees quake.

“We’re taking him to the shelter tomorrow.”

Toni huffs, “Cheryl. Please. He needs me.”

“He does not need you.” Cheryl scoffs as she turns her attention to her closet. “I refuse to allow some furball to run around our house.”

“Mm, I love it when you call it our house.” Toni purrs, and Cheryl tenses at her low tone. “Think about how domesticated we’d be if we got a pet, it’s a step in the right direction.”

“No.”

“Cheryl. Baby. Beautiful. Bombshell.” Toni whines and Cheryl fails to hide a smile. “Please? Please! I promise I’ll take care of him all by myself, you won’t even know he’s here.”

Cheryl spins on her heels with a glare, “Promise?”

“Promise!” Toni exclaims as she bobs her head eagerly and bounces on her knees. “Does this mean I can keep him?”

“So long as he stays far away from me, I see no reason as to why he can’t stay.” Cheryl sighs with a wave of dismissal. “You better hold up on your end, TT. I expect you to…”

“You are the best girlfriend ever.”

Cheryl heaves a long breath as Toni turns her attention back to the ball of orange fur in her lap. As she watches Toni coo at the tiny kitten, Cheryl reluctantly has to admit to herself that she really is weak when it comes to Toni.

-

Toni names him Blossom.

Cheryl protests the name for all of five minutes before she shuts up and just let’s Toni have her moment. Her girlfriend is already so in love with the small tabby kitten they found outside of Thistlehouse. Cheryl bites her lower lip as she wanders into the living room and pauses to stare at Toni who is laying on her back with Blossom held over her head. She knows Toni is going to kill her for it, but she can’t help but record a small moment and send it out in their friends group chat; Sweet Pea immediately responds, and she shakes her head as she reads his reply.

“Didn’t you ever want a pet?”

Cheryl looks up with a frown, “No. Although my parents did give JJ and I a cat for Christmas, but we gave him to another family.”

“Huh. Weird. I bet your mom didn’t really think all of that through.” Toni smirks as she sits up and nuzzles her face into Blossom’s fur. “Y’know, since lesbians and bisexuals just love pu…”

“Do not finish that joke, Toni Topaz.” Cheryl scolds, and Toni simply huffs. “Babe, if you’re going to keep him then you should probably get some stuff for him Petsmart.”

“Yeah. You’re right.” Toni hums as she stands with Blossom cradled gently in her hand. “Do you wanna take your car?”

Toni is so bestowed by the little thing that Cheryl doesn’t have the heart to tell her about her cat allergy.

-

“Toni, stop!”

“But you’re so perfect!”

Cheryl can’t help but giggle as she runs through the hallways of the empty house with Toni a few feet behind. As she swings herself around the banister and down the stairs, she is knocked breathless but how light she feels. By how happy she is. And it’s all because Toni is currently chasing her through the house with her camera poised and ready to take pictures. With a squeal, Cheryl hears the shutter of a photo being snapped right as she slides into the kitchen and ducks behind the counter. Her safety base lasts for a mere second before Toni scrambles onto the granite so she can lean over the edge to quickly capture Cheryl’s flushed cheeks and wide, breathless grin.

“Come on, I just need a few more.” Toni grins as she captures the image of Cheryl crawling away. “Huh. Gonna have to add that one to the spank bank.”

“You’re a pig, Topaz.” Cheryl scoffs.

“What? You’re the one who won’t let me take a picture of you. This is my hobby, Cheryl. You’re killing my talents.” Toni smirks, and Cheryl rolls her eyes only to be blinded by a flash. “You know, you really are adorable.”

“You do not need another picture of me, half of your albums are dedicated to me.” Cheryl points out as she gracefully stands. “Every time I turn around you’re taking pictures. Why don’t you let me photograph you for once?”

“Yeah. No. Not happening. You’re just so photogenic. I don’t know why you haven’t considered taking up modeling.” Toni shrugs as she glances down at the screen of her camera. “Can I please just take at least one picture that isn’t blurry?”

“Okay. I’ll take one. But only if you’re in it.” Cheryl replies as she reaches out to fist soft plaid before she pulls Toni towards her. “We need more pictures of us together.”

“Yeah?” Toni smiles.

Cheryl nods slowly, “Uh huh. I want to plaster you all over my social media, show Riverdale just who you belong to.”

“Am I just a trophy to you?” Toni gasps.

“Oh, no. Not at all. Clearly, I’m the trophy.” Cheryl shrugs, and Toni glares playfully at her. “You, my dear, are just a lucky winner.”

“Very lucky.” Toni agrees.

“You know,” Cheryl purrs as she plays with the buttons on Toni’s top. “We could probably put that camera of yours to good use. Have some real fun with it.”

Toni arches an eyebrow, “Yeah?”

“Mhm.” Cheryl grins. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

“I think so.” Toni replies, and Cheryl is almost blinded by the sudden appearance of her girlfriend’s bright smile. “A photoshoot with you and Blossom? You’re brilliant, babe.”

Cheryl gaps, “That isn’t…”

“I’m gonna go get him. We can shoot something outside, it’s beautiful out. In fact, if I get the right shot, we can post our first family photo.” Toni beams as she bounces happily. “Be right back!”

Toni runs off and Cheryl sighs as she shakes her head, only she would fall for someone so clueless to her advances.

-

“You should’ve named him Leroy.”

“Why the fuck would I name him Leroy?”

Cheryl sighs as she listens to Jughead and Toni argue while they play with Blossom in the living room. It came as a surprise to Cheryl when Toni came home with her herd of friends, but it wasn’t a surprise that her girlfriend pecked her lips and immediately went to find that damn cat. And since then, Cheryl has been entertaining the same people who make her want to play in traffic. A firm pout appears on her face as she continues to play hostess and turns to gather snacks from the kitchen, but she skids to a stop as she finds Fangs sitting on the counter swinging his legs.

“Why are you sitting on my very expensive granite?”

Fangs slides down with a blush, “Allergies. Sorry.”

“Not an excuse to sit on my counter, but I intend to let it slide for now. Unfortunately, I’m suffering the same fate as you.” Cheryl admits. “I just don’t want to tell Toni because she loves that damn thing so much, and I don’t want that to change.”

“Cute.” Fangs chuckles.

Cheryl glares at him, “Do not repeat that.”

“Babe, come show the gang the thing you do with Blossom’s paws.” Toni breathes out as she comes barreling into the kitchen.

“Must I?”

Toni sticks out her lower lip, “For me.”

“For you.” Cheryl grumbles after a moment of contemplating. “But no one can record it and I’m only doing it once. Got it?”

“Understood.” Toni nods, and Cheryl hums in surprise when her girlfriend presses a gentle kiss to her lips. “You’re the best.”

“As long as you know.” Cheryl replies, and she watches with a fond smile as Toni scurries out of the room. “Check the second cabinet in the downstairs bathroom, I’ve stocked up on Benadryl to avoid any complications.”

“Smart.” Fangs nods. “Thanks.

“Don’t mention it.” Cheryl shrugs.

With that, Cheryl brushes out of the room and holds her head high as she makes her way to the huddle on the living room floor. She ignores Archie’s smile, Veronica’s greeting, Sweet Pea’s sarcastic half-hearted remark, and Betty’s…everything, and instead focuses on the bright smile on Toni’s face. She focuses on how her girlfriend leans into her instead of how her eyes begin to water as soon as she is too close to Blossom. Once again, she pushes it all aside and instead focuses on Toni’s giggles as Blossom bites at her fingers.

“We heard you like to play with his tummy, Cheryl. Toni won’t shut up about how cute it is.” Sweet Pea smirks as he slaps the back of his hand against Toni’s shoulder. “So, let’s see this magic.”

“Hit my girlfriend again and I’ll show you the type of magic that will make you disappear from existent, Pea.” Cheryl warns, but she keeps her attention on Blossom. “Pay attention, bottom feeders, I’m only going to do this once.”

-

Cheryl wakes up and is instantly in a bad mood. She rolls over and instead of being greeted with a kiss and warm arms, she is faced with that stupid cat sleeping where she should be. She isn’t sure why she’s surprised by the sight of this, Blossom has pretty much taken over the entire house. Even her Nana Rose can’t seem to put him down when she’s around, she just coos and holds him close to her chest. Cheryl doesn’t get it, sure he can be kind of cute but that meow sends shivers down her spine and she’d so just about anything to avoid having to deal with red, itchy eyes again.

“You are the spawn of Satan.” Cheryl hisses.

Blossom simply blinks in exhaustion.

With a huff, Cheryl slides out of bed and curls her robe around herself before she reluctantly leaves the warmth of their room. The morning light streams into the kitchen and Cheryl stretches lazily as she patters across cold tile. Like the amazing girlfriend she is, Cheryl begins to make Toni her favorite breakfast while she listens to the hiss of the coffee machine and the chirp of the birds. It’s so peaceful, up until she hears the tapping of Toni’s feet as she plucks around upstairs. Just as Cheryl is beginning to flip the first batch of chocolate chip pancakes, she hears the shuffle of footsteps and she smiles shyly as she feels Toni’s warmth.

Cheryl sighs as arms string around her waist, “Good morning.”

“G’morning.” Toni mumbles into her shoulder blade as she nuzzles their for a moment. “I woke up and you were gone.”

“I wanted to make you breakfast.” Cheryl explains as she nods to where she is flipping pancakes. “And you had Blossom to cuddle.”

“Yeah, but he’s not you.”

“Cute.”

“Can I have my good morning kiss?” Toni asks softly.

Cheryl pauses, “Did you brush your teeth?”

“Yup.”

“Then yes you can.” Cheryl replies as she turns to press a lingering kiss to Toni’s lips. “Now, sit. I’m almost done.”

“Awesome. You’re the best.” Toni yawns.

“Tell me something I don’t know.” Cheryl sneers, and her eyes immediately narrow as Toni turns and she is met with the sight of Blossom curled in her girlfriend’s hood. “You’re going to drop that thing.”

“Nah, he’s good.” Toni assures her as she reaches over her shoulder to pull him free. “He knows better than to jump out.”

Cheryl rolls her eyes, “You put a lot of trust in a cat.”

“He’s smart.” Toni shrugs as she carefully sets the meowing kitten in front of herself.

“Not on the table.” Cheryl scolds.

“But he likes to feel tall.” Toni pouts even as she lifts Blossom back into her arms. “Do you think we can get him like a booster seat?”

Cheryl scoffs in answer, “No.”

“A tiny highchair?”

“No.”

“His own chair?”

“No.” Cheryl repeats. “He can eat on the floor.”

“We can’t make our son eat on the floor.” Toni protests with a scowl. “Why would you even suggest something like that?”

“Because Blossom is a cat, and I refuse to share a table with him. I like to enjoy my meals with my girlfriend not a four legged beast.” Cheryl explains. “So, on the floor. Breakfast is ready.”

Toni sighs as she lifts Blossom to her face, “She doesn’t mean to be snarky. Take it from me, her snark means she loves you.”

“Floor, Antoinette.” Cheryl orders.

Toni arches an eyebrow as she leans over to set the kitten at her feet, “Sorry, little guy. She used my first name, she means business.”

Cheryl tries to hide her smile, but she fails as Toni immediately dives into her plate of pancakes while chattering about their plans for after school. As Cheryl sits across from her with egg whites and fruit, she can’t help but think of their future. She sees so many more mornings of this, so many nights of falling asleep beside Toni. She sees a forever and it stuns her, but her heart warms as soon as Toni nonchalantly mentions cleaning up their room and planning a get together at their house. It’s so perfect, and Cheryl is so happy. Even if she’s stuck with a god awful cat.

-

Cheryl is so in love with Toni.

And moments like now just remind her how deep that love goes. She is sitting with her chin propped in her hand and a content expression on her face as she watches Toni hover her hands over Blossom who is attached to the material of her beanie. They were halfway through their shared Biology class when Mr. Jameson left to take care of something and everyone had gone into an uproar when Toni pulled Blossom from her jacket. Cheryl isn’t really surprised by the sight of the kitten, but she definitely remembers telling Toni that she absolutely couldn’t bring Blossom to school.

“He’s so cute.” Ethel coos.

Toni flashes her a glance, “I know.”

“Lemme see him.” Sweet Pea orders.

“Fuck off. You’re not touching my son.” Toni sneers, and Sweet Pea huffs in defeat. “The only people allowed to touch him is his moms.”

Kevin snorts from beside her, “Congratulations on the new bundle of joy, Cheryl. I didn’t realize you and Toni were so…domesticated.”

“That thing is not my son.” Cheryl mumbles as she glares down at her textbook.

“Your girlfriend seems to think overwise.” Kevin points out with an amused smirk. “Do my eyes deceive me or is Cheryl Blossom whipped?”

Cheryl turns to him with a fiery glare, “Repeat those words and I will rip your tongue from your mouth. I am not whipped.”

“Babe!” Toni calls.

“Yes?”

Toni skips over and offers her the bundle of orange fur, “Will you hold Blossom? I need to beat up Sweet Pea.”

“Of course.” Cheryl sighs.

“Thank you.” Toni chirps.

Kevin snickers as Cheryl juggles the cat and watches Toni scurry off, “And you say you’re not whipped?”

“Shut it, Keller.”

But Cheryl knows he’s right. She’s so whipped, and it’s absolutely awful but she wouldn’t change it for anything.

-

Saturdays are Cheryl’s favorite day. There’s no school, no worry of drama, and she doesn’t have to worry about sharing Toni. No, Saturdays are their day and they spend it doing nothing. Occasionally, they’ll have a date night at Pop’s or the movie theater, but they pretty much spend most of their time lounging around in pajamas. Today, Cheryl is sketching on the couch while Toni kneels on the ground and giggles as she snaps pictures of Blossom playing with a piece of string. Sometimes it scares Cheryl with how comfortable she is, how happy she has become ever since she cut Penelope from her life and moved Toni in with her.

They just fit. They fall together like pieces that have always been missing from a puzzle. They work. And Cheryl sees forever in Toni’s eyes, she builds a home in Toni’s heart. She starts a new life in Thistlehouse with Toni, and she builds that life around her; she knows they’re meant to be and that’s enough to settle her. When she kisses her, Toni tastes like home and an endless amount of possibilities. She gives Cheryl strength, conversation, companionship, laughter, and most importantly love. She gives everything she has to Cheryl, and Cheryl responds in kind. For the first time since Jason died, Cheryl feels like she has someone in her corner.

“Are we ordering in tonight?” Toni asks.

Cheryl hums as she looks up, “If you want.”

“I think I want to cook tonight. I’m kind of in the mood for chicken. You think Nana Rose will want chicken?” Toni frowns. “If not, I’m sure I can whip up something else.”

“She’ll love whatever you make.” Cheryl assures her with a smile. “If you haven’t noticed, it seems like you’ve replaced me as the favorite granddaughter. She just adores you.”

Toni smirks over her shoulder, “I just have a special talent of charming anyone with the last name Blossom.”

“Sure.” Cheryl scoffs.

“Hey, I charmed you!” Toni points out.

“If thinking that helps you sleep at night then I’m not going to shatter your little daydream.” Cheryl teases, and Toni immediately grumbles in protest. “So, chicken?”

“Yeah. We’ll see if I decide to make you a plate, you tease.” Toni pouts, and her eyes brighten as she picks up Blossom. “What do you think, little guy? Chicken sound good?”

“Babe, he isn’t going to answer you.” Cheryl warns as she focuses on filling in her doodle. “If you keep talking to him, people are going to think you’re crazier than you are.”

“Harsh.” Toni whines. “You’re so mean to me.”

“You think it’s hot.”

Toni arches an eyebrow, “I think you’re hot. Your attitude? Not so much.”

“My attitude is a part of me, Toni,” Cheryl points out, the amusement coloring her tone. “Are you saying you dislike me?”

“I don’t think anything resembling that accusation came out of my mouth.” Toni frowns as she slowly stands. “In fact, dare I say, I think that I might just be in love with you, Blossom.”

Cheryl rolls her eyes, “Wow. Declaring your love to the cat instead of me? Color me jealous.”

“Someone is feeling sassy.” Toni chuckles as she stands in front of the couch. “I think you need cuddles from Blossom.”

“No!” Cheryl exclaims.

“But he’s fluffy and cute.” Toni beams as she extends the kitten.

“I’m good.”

“Just one cuddle?”

Chery panics and barely manages to turn her head as she releases a sneeze, “Toni, get him away. I’m allergic.”

“What?” Toni scoffs as she pulls Blossom back.

“Cats.” Cheryl explains as she once again sneezes delicately into the crook of her elbow. “I’m…I’m allergic to cats.”

“Are you serious?”

“I am.” Cheryl nods, and she scrunches her nose as the sneezes finally begin to subside. “Why do you think my mother made us get rid of Sir Timothy when JJ and I were younger?”

“Cheryl, why didn’t you tell me?” Toni demands.

Cheryl shrugs as she glances lazily down at her painted nails, “I know how much you love the little devil. I didn’t want you to have to get rid of him just because he makes my sneeze.”

“Babe, that’s sweet but really fucking stupid.” Toni scoffs as she carries Blossom to the door and sets him outside the parlor doors. “I love you, and I don’t want you to be miserable because of a cat.”

“But…”

“I don’t want to hear it.” Toni cuts in, and her gaze turns soft as she approaches Cheryl. “Do you want to find him another home?”

“No. It’s fine. Really.” Cheryl assures her. “You adore him and I adore you so he can stay. The little bastard better stay away from me though.”

Toni laughs and leans down to press a kiss to Cheryl’s smiling lips, “You are ridiculous.”

“Yeah, but I’m hot.” Cheryl shrugs.

“Very.” Toni hums.

Cheryl sighs happily, “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

-

Cheryl doesn’t know why she spoils Toni. She can’t figure out why she can’t just say no to her girlfriend when she asks for ridiculous things. For example, Cheryl is sitting with a stiff back as she stares at the couples that litter the floor and couches of her living room. Somehow Toni convinced her that having a dinner party (or a total boozefest, as Toni called it) with their friends would be a good idea. Honestly, Cheryl is trying not to kill someone. She’s trying to figure out when she began to tolerate Jughead, when she didn’t cringe anytime Betty spoke, and when a bile of disgust didn’t fill her throat at the sight of Archie and Veronica’s PDA. More importantly, she is stumped as to when she willingly became friends with a bunch of Serpents.

“You’re thinking too hard.”

Cheryl sighs, “Fangs is going to break that couch arm.”

“I’ll make him pay for it.” Toni assures her as she plops down into Cheryl’s lap. “Can you relax a little? You look miserable.”

“Not miserable, just puzzled.” Cheryl corrects, and she feels herself relax as she curls her arms around Toni’s waist. “Why did I agree to allow these people into our home?”

“Because these people are our friends.” Toni chuckles. “And because I promised to do that thing with my tongue that you like.”

Cheryl tilts her head in thought, “Good point.”

“Thanks for doing this, babe,” Toni whispers as she presses a kiss to Cheryl’s hairline. “I know you’re not crazy about everyone here, but I really do appreciate you at least trying.”

“Anything for you.” Cheryl replies as she leans her forehead against Toni’s bicep. “How much longer am I going go be forced to endure their company?”

Toni laughs softly, “Well, if Jughead doesn’t stop trying to hide Blossom in his jacket then it’ll be sooner rather than later.”

“Would you like me to threaten him?”

“No. Leave the threatening to me.” Toni smirks, and Cheryl blushes as she feels the heavy gaze of her brown eyes. “Have I told you how beautiful you are today? I feel like I haven’t.”

“You haven’t.” Cheryl shrugs. “So, tell me.”

“You are gorgeous.” Toni breathes out as she reaches up to cup Cheryl’s face. “My beautiful girl. I’m so lucky to have you.”

“Yes, yes you are.” Cheryl nods.

“You are something else, Bombshell.” Toni snorts as she presses her lips against a red painted smirk. “I don’t know why I put up with you.”

“Because I’m beautiful.” Cheryl drawls.

“Good point. You do make good arm candy.” Toni sighs with a thoughtful expression. “And I know you keep me around because my kisses are magical.”

“Excuse me? Are you five?”

“Nope. Just a badass Serpent with magical kisses that could cure just about any sickness.” Toni chirps with a bright smile. “Wanna see?”

Cheryl rolls her eyes, but she doesn’t protest when Toni cups her face and presses their lips together. Just like every time before, Cheryl melts. She feels her entire being melt into Toni, she feels her heart thudding heavily in her chest and screaming yours, yours, yours and she wants so badly to reach inside herself and pull it free so she can offer it to her girlfriend. Instead, she weaves a hand into pink locks and holds Toni to her. She holds onto the kiss for as long as her lungs will allow, and she knows she’d happily die right now if her lungs chose to wilt because she refused to part from Toni.

“Fuck. Get a room.” Sweet Pea scoffs as he slaps Toni upside the head. “Save that shit for the privacy of your bedroom, alright? No one here wants to be subjected to it.”

“Ah, you know big words.” Cheryl notes.

“Excuse me if I can’t keep my hands to myself. Have you seen my girl, Pea?” Toni shrugs, and she makes a show of sweeping her gaze over swollen lips and shining eyes. “My girl is crazy hot.”

Sweet Pea chuckles, “Tell me something I don’t know, Topaz.”

“Do you want to get your ass beat?” Toni growls as she shifts on Cheryl’s lap so she can glare up at her best friend. “If not then I suggest you keep your beady eyes off my girl.”

“But she’s so nice to look at…”

Cheryl feels Toni tense in her lap and she sighs as her arms drop from around her girlfriend. She already knows what’s going to happen; she knows how Toni and Sweet Pea work, they’re like children around each other. It doesn’t surprise her when Toni scrambles to her feet and Sweet Pea bolts with a loud laugh while Valerie yells for Toni not to kill her boyfriend. Honestly, Cheryl just doesn’t want to have to patch her girlfriend up if things get a little too rough between the pair.

“I’m gonna go kill Pea, okay?” Toni grins.

Cheryl arches an eyebrow, “Try to avoid bloodshed, Nana Rose really is fond of the wallpaper in the halls. She’d be devastated if anything happened to it.”

Toni gives a salute, “Got it, boss.”

“I hope she doesn’t kill my boyfriend.” Valerie frowns as she approaches Cheryl. “He’s kind of cute, and he’s my ride home.”

Cheryl smirks as she hears Sweet Pea’s deep scream, “That’s my girl.”

-

Cheryl thinks Blossom is tolerable. He definitely isn’t as cute as he once was, especially since Blossom is suddenly Toni’s favorite thing. He takes every second of her free time, and Cheryl is starting to realize him causing her to sneeze and her eyes to swell isn’t her only problem with him. Now, it is more about the alone time he is managing to steal from them; it’s amazing what the little kitten has done to their once active sex life.

With a pout, Cheryl turns in the computer chair she is sat in to watch Toni’s scratch at the top of Blossom’s head. She can almost sense the enjoyment the little heathen is feeling as he purrs in a rhythmic fashion and arches into her touch. Cheryl wishes she was arching into Toni; they have the entire evening to themselves, no homework or mysteries to solve, but Toni refuses to part with Blossom. Or Blossom refuses to part with Toni. At this point, Cheryl can’t really tell who is more obsessed with who.

Her gaze runs freely over her girlfriend and she takes in the sweats and messy bun, and falls in love all over again. It’s almost a crime how good Toni looks in a pair of sweats, she wishes she could pull the look off. Or maybe she just wishes she could just just pull Toni’s sweats off. A ball of heat settles in her stomach as she shifts in her chair and dances her eyes over the long lashes that settle on Toni’s cheeks with every blink and to where her lips are curled up into a loving lopsided grin. A mixture of annoyance and arousal hits her as she flexes her jaw and glares once more at the kitten.

It’s been almost two weeks since she’s had an actual moment alone with Toni and she can feel her body ache with need. Her girlfriend is addicting, and Cheryl needs her fix. All she needs to do is get rid of that ridiculous cat and the rest will be a breeze. With a harsh breath, Cheryl gracefully stands and moves to sweep a hand under Blossom before she carries him to the bathroom door and sets him inside; the kitten meows on the opposite side but she ignores it in favor of crossing the room to sweep her arms around her confused girlfriend.

“Why’d you do that? Babe, you need to take a Benadryl. You touched him.” Toni frowns even as she curls her arms around Cheryl’s neck. “I’m serious, Cheryl.”

“I really don’t care right now, the Benadryl can wait until I’m done.” Cheryl mumbles as she tugs at the zipper on Toni’s jacket and presses a lingering kiss to her lips. “Right now, all I need is you.”

Toni laughs softly against her mouth as their lips move lazily together, “Seriously? You just wanna get laid?”

“You drive me crazy, and I miss you. My allergies be damned right now.” Cheryl sighs as she drops her lips to bare shoulders while she tosses a grey jacket over her shoulder.

Toni continues to laugh even as Cheryl lowers onto the bed and small hands bury themselves in her hair and pull her close. For a moment, the desperation melts away as their kisses deepen and her fingers play at the string of her sweats. Just as hands glide under her shirt, Cheryl abruptly pulls away from Toni in order to turn her head and sneeze. And just like that, her eyes begin to burn as she rolls away from Toni to hide a sneeze.

“That’s what I thought.” Toni grumbles as she leans over to press a kiss to Cheryl’s shoulder. “I’m gonna grab you a Benadryl and glass of water.”

Cheryl whines in disappointment as Toni slides off the bed and moves to slip into the bathroom, and Blossom is quick to slip between her legs and into the room. A glare appears on her face as she rubs at her eyes, and Blossom slowly crosses the room and makes eye contact with her before he curls himself into the depths of a dress that Cheryl abandoned earlier.

“You’re evil.”

Blossom simply closes his eyes and leaves Cheryl with her itchy eyes and an ache that her girlfriend left unsatisfied.

Yeah, she hates that cat.

[munchflix]

WATCHMEN - THE SUPER EXTENDED CUT

IMDB BLURB: In 1985 where former superheroes exist, the murder of a colleague sends active vigilante Rorschach into his own sprawling investigation, uncovering something that could completely change the course of history as we know it.

WARNINGS: Giant blue peen, large bepis. It's blue. Malin Ackerman can't act for shit. Attempted rape. Lots of murder. Some gore. Adult themes? Zack Snyder. Repulsive sex scene. It's not gross, it's just weird and uncomfortable. And unnecessarily long.

RATING: Who watches the Watchmen? Us...unfortunately.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this. And please please don’t watch this fucking movie.

MUNCH: I want you to know, first thing, that I will never forgive you for making me watch this for a THIRD TIME. I first saw this in the theatre on my birthday and it was awful then. I spent three hours waiting for it to get better and it didn't and now you're making us watch the super extended version with 30 more minutes of shit I DON'T WANT TO SEE. I am old and I was a fan of the comic long before this detritus was filmed. I was actually excited for this shit. This movie, like a lot of the movies we review once a year, is bad. It's pretty, it's well filmed, it has a brilliant cast, and it sucks like a Dyson trying to fellate a rubber chicken.

BISCUITS: Okay...I'm gonna be upfront about this. We're gonna have to be here for each other during this review. We need to BELIEVE in ourselves, and to share our mental fortitude. That might be the only way we'll be strong enough to make it through. Even then, there's no guarantee we'll make it...but if we do, we'll emerge from the other side as changed women, now knowing the true power that the bond of friendship can hold. Or not. Actually, we'll probably just end up sad. But the point is, we need to be here for each other.

M: The Nixon makeup is so bad. All this budget and he looks like a half melted wax statue.

These are the Nixons, folks.

B: Jeffrey Dean Morgan in old age makeup? I'd still smash that. The DOOMSDAY CLOCK! That's a reference to the comic! Get it?! We're JUST like the comic!

M: That's part of what bugs me, there's so many moments just taken straight out of the comic and then the rest of it is just Zack Snyder mentally masturbating about how cool he is.

B: Let me tell you younguns - long before the days of Suicide Squad and Batman V. Superman, Zack Snyder created the first of many tragic mistakes in the saga of "DC and Warner Bros. Attempt to Movie". It was dark, overdramatic, and had little substance behind its superficially good visuals. But Warner Bros. were all like "OMG Zach, look at all this money. Can you fuck ALL our beloved properties like this???"

M: Nostaaaaaalgia.

B: Okay, Unforgettable - this song was in the comic, it was in the book. It was playing in a scene in the comic but it was when Dan and Laurie tried to have sex for the first time. I don't understand the rationale behind using a song from the comic but putting it in a completely different scene. Why did you make that change? I don't understand why you would do that.

M: Watchmen in a nutshell. JESUS CHRIST I forgot that the explosions come in about 30 times louder than everything else.

B: Why is the Comedian wearing a smiley face pin on his bathrobe? Because of the symbolism??? Nostalgia. This is from the coooooooooomic. This is the first instance of inappropriate soundtracking, which is alright the first time but gets annoying when you do it over and over.

M: I have no idea. Oh yeah..the movie. The Comedian is fighting a mysterious figure that we'll figure out who it is later. Unless you've read the comic. It's Veidt. Slow zoom on the pin with the blood spatter because it's SYMBOLISM. Also the Comedian got thrown out a window. There's also been half an hour of slow mo and we're only 5 minutes into the movie.

B: *burps loudly* Bob Dylan, because there was a reference to a Bob Dylan song in the comic. Slow shots of our great heroes, The Minutemen. Zacc Snyder, fuck you. These were the original super hero dudes who spawned the existence of all the other masked vigilantes in this universe.

M: Gerard Butler??? Who the fuck is Gerard Butler?? Hang on, I have to look this up. Oh...he's in the Tales of the Black Freighter, which is only in this super-long ultra-extended edition.

This gif makes it look like Gerard Butler is playing Sally Jupiter. This is not the case (unfortunately?).

B: Which we're watching because we hate ourselves. Historical landmarks to set up the time period. Also Silhouette was a lesbian. Dollar Bill got killed when his cape got stuck in a revolving door. NO CAPES! Mothman went nuts and got put in an asylum. The minutemen turned out fine. Also Silhouette is dead. And Gay.

M: Bury your gays. She was only alive for two minutes of credits.

B: To be fair, she didn’t really have a role in the book either. Also, Kennedy is killed. By the Comedian. Which I suppose was implied in the comic...very vaguely. This is way too much exposition. We can read about history, we don't need a recap of every single event since 1940. We aren't that dumb, Zakk. There's more politics in this intro than exposition but Watchmen was supposed to be political. I have big problems with Matthew Goode....goode? How is that pronounced? Look at all that BEEF tho. Arby’s, I got ya new commercial right here.

I’ll take the one on the far left with cheese, please.

M: Slow the fuck down, jesus. I can't type as fast as you thirst. I'm gonna make you type this if you don't slow down.

B: Glad I'm not wearing a retainer. You think Jeffrey Dean Morgan would pay for it? Also Night Owl's costume looks so shitty.

M: Seriously, slow down. I have issues with how contoured Manhattan is.

B: And then everything went bad for the vigilantes and they got banned. This is SO LOUD. Tell Zaque Snyder I get spooked easily. I don’t like loud noises, I’m like a wild animal.

M: Oh yeah so the Comedian is dead. Two detectives wonder how he died. So mysterious. It was Veidt. Don't blame me if you didn't read the comic, it's been out for 30 fucking years.

B: My other issue with this movie, it doesn't ADD anything to it's source material. If I wanted just Watchmen I'd just read the comic. I could read most or all of it in the time it takes to watch this movie. So...Rorschach is ranting.

M: That's all he really does in this movie tho is rant.

B: All the towns in the world and I had to end up in this one. The ballsack town. Comedian kept a picture of Sally by his bed but that's backwards...she kept a picture of HIM on her bedside.

M: Rorschach found Comedian's secret closet where he went to be gay. Or a superhero. Or both. So he knows he's the Comedian.

B: Well, one or two of them were gay...a bunch of guys who wear their underwear outside their pants and this is somehow surprising? More slow mo.

M: This movie could be an hour and half shorter without all the pointless slo mo. Hollis is being played by Stephen McHattie and I love him so much.

B: Patrick Wilson (you can tell it’s Patrick Wilson because he looks exactly like Patrick Wilson) is playing Night Owl and he is a very good boy. The best boy. Although he doesn't have much competition for goodest boy, most of the boys are pretty bad. Hollis Mason is played up to be more Drunk Grandpa than caring mentor figure. Raw footage of Rorschach looking like FUCKING BIGFOOT. Your local cryptid.

*X-Files theme plays*

M: That was 20 seconds of super important extra footage that we missed from the original 3 hour long movie. Okay so movie, right. Drieberg goes home to find his home has been broken into. It's Rorschach. Eating beans. HUMAN BEANS. With HUMAN BEAN JUICE. We saw you lumbering around like Bigfoot on the news. Rorschach's mask is cool tho. One point for you, Zackk Snyder.

B: Rorschach, because he's a tinfoil hat conspiracy theorist is like " I think someone's killing masks" even tho only one mask person has died so far. Patrick Wilson is a good actor but his performance in this movie is so blech. I dunno if that was the direction he was given or...

M: Part two of things wrong with Watchmen. Lots of good actors giving boring performances. I love many of these actors but they're so dull.

B: Except Malin Ackerman. It was an experimental time, Chad! All of our Bro Moments. Our BROMENTS.

M: WHY CAN'T I QUIT YOU, CHAD?!

B: Maybe Drieberg quit on account of the Keene act because it started being illegal to do the thing, but Rorschach didn't because he’s crazy. And he's doing more edgelord monologuing.

M: Holy crap the animation.

B: And now with NO CONTEXT we get launched into the Tales of the Black Freighter. It's an anime, apparently. (makes angry angry noises ) this makes me SO mad because the Black Freighter, though a story within a story, had an explanation for its presence. It's being read by someone within the bigger story. In the movie it almost looks like it was animated by Ralph Bakshi. Like the people who did Jojo's Bizarre Adventure and Ralph Bakshi had a bad trip together.

This is what I see, every night in my dreams.

M:  I guess this is being narrated by Gerard Butler?? This is so out of place. It takes you completely out of the immersion of the movie to show you this movie. That was super jarring though.

B: The comic had a lot more leeway when it came to blending the stories together. Oh and now we get a shot of someone reading the comic to bring us back. Rorschach in the comic was described as being fascinatingly ugly. I think Jackie Earl Haley is too good looking.

M: And Veidt. I hate everything they did with this entire fucking character. I hate the way he looks, the way he talks, the way he acts, the way he Veidts. I fucking hate him so much. I hate what they did with his story and the whole Manhattan cancer thing. It's DUMB.

B: Why is Dan here? It was Rorschach who warned Adrian. And they're talking about nuclear war, very important to the crux of everything. This lighting is ugly. It makes Veidt look like a greasy boy.

M: He IS a greasy boy.

B: Meeting with Dreiberg left bad taste in mouth. Like cold beans.

M: Rorschach is expositioning everything we've already seen, dialogue straight out of the comic.

B: Rorschach breaks in to see Manhattan. Rorschach asks the real questions: Does Adrian Veidt is gay??

M: That is a HUGE ASS. Btw Manhattan is naked. He is super naked. You will never be allowed to forget that he is naked.

B: Malin Ackerman shows up...to “act”.... The mention temporal interference already, so you won't be surprised at the end of the movie. They really overemphasize Manhattan's eye things. He looks like a sad panda. I have issues with his CGI, he is really over contoured and he looks really...weird....Laurie...stop talking. PLease. Don't act, don't try to act.

Pictured: Sad Panda

M: Now he's taking Laurie on some fucking weird time trip that was supposed to happen three hours from now in the story. Manhattan is just sad in this movie. All his rage and his indifference are gone. He's just sad. He tells her the future and he's sad about it. And now, 99 Luftballoons so we don't forget it's the 80's.

B: This wasn't how this happened in the comic EITHER. Zacque Snyder and his love of throwing random songs into movies with no regard for how they might impact the mood.

M: So Lori is having dinner with Dreiberg just like Jon told her too. I'm giving up on spelling any names right as of right now.

B: They reminisce about their young days when they fought crime and dressed up like lunatics and all that stuff. Ah those days are behind us. We're in our 40's but in the movie we're like 25. Jon thinks there's gonna be nuclear war and also he can't fix my bad acting. They turned Laurie into such a sexy lamp in this movie. They strip everything away from her that made her interesting. I am laurie, I am GIRL. Who needs oxygen when you have another man's money.

You so. Fuckin. Precious. When you. Smile.

M: The Sound of Silence begins playing. We both laugh and denounce Zaeck Snyder and the horse he rode in on.

B: Should have been Take me to Church. I didn't realize how awful the soundtracking was in this movie the first time. They just throw in recognizable songs.

M: Comedian is getting buried. Rorschach is here and Manhattan and Dreiberg. And Simon and Garfunkle. It's not making this scene better. It's making it so much worse. Lori has been randomly teleported to her mothers with zero context. Her mother is Carla Gugino who deserves better than being in this fucking movie. They quote dialogue right from the comic. Did Zaquery Snyder write ANY dialogue for this movie? Her old age makeup is fucking awful and she is overacting this so hard.

B: And then we have the flashback to old days where the Comedian tries to rape her. The entire purpose of this flashback in one sentence. That's the plot point. From the comic. That we need to get into the movie somehow. I suppose they're going for show don't tell. At the moment i'm just focused on how it extends this torturous experience.

M: I have a lot of issues with this part. He beats her far more severely in the movie. They start the scene almost making it look like she did ask for it with all the slow undressing. It's so fucking unnecessary.

B: And then Hooded Justice comes in and this doesn't make sense in the movie when Comedian asks him if he gets off on this. But since they don't get into this in the movie...I think they're just trying to get us to go OH THE COMEDIAN IS A BAD GUY, HE'S SUCH A BAD GUY. We can get that. Why does everything in this movie take so long?

M: Everyone is having flashbacks to their time with Eddie. Manhattan is blowing up the entirety of the viet cong while the Comedian shoots people and Ride of the Valkyries is playing for no reason.

In awe at the size of this lad.

B: NEXT TIME YOU INVITE JON.

M: And then we get the Comedian is a horrible person but AGAIN because he's gonna shoot this woman he knocked up and Jon doesn't stop him. Jon is so fucking ripped that even fuzzed out in the background you can see every muscle.

B: They tell the story of how Eddie got his scar even though he doesn't...have it in the movie? Yeah I killed that woman I knocked up but you didn't stop me because you don't care and well...you're not wrong.

M: And now Veidt gets to have HIS flashback so we can be sure that the Comedian really was an asshole. The Comedian informs everyone that their plan is garb while Jon and Laurel Ann make goo goo eyes at each other which will become relevant an hour ago because they're obviously a couple NOW. He sets Ozymandias’ (Veidt's) map on fire to emphasize his point.

B: Ozymandias will remember that. Watchmen would make a great Telltale game. And Dan has his American Dream flashback where the Comedian is helping with crowd control and we don't care what's going on because the Comedian looks DAMN HOT. In slow mo.

M: Biscuit's thirst meter has increased tenfold.

B: What happened to the American Dream? You're looking at it. Just as beefy and greasy as I imagined it. He had a really nice arm vein going on in that scene. I have a gif of that for uh...research purposes. Very swole.

Pictured: The American Dream

M: I just realized that I don't really thirst after anyone in this movie. The comedian is hot because Jeffrey Dean Morgan but my thirst level is so low comparatively. The only main chick is Malin Ackerman and uh...no.

B: You're getting gayer the older you get.

M: I can't even deny that.

B: Moloch! He's a former supervillian of sorts and Rorschach is chasing him down because uh...I don't know. He just shows up and is like Hey fuck you buddy.

M: I still want an explanation for why Moloch alone has pointed ears. Nobody else in the entire movie has that kind of deformity.

B: And he's like The Comedian just showed up in my house! He was drunk and crying! We've all been there. We've all broken into our former nemesis's house drunk and crying. Maybe that's just me...

M: Except that's what really happened....

B: And the Comedian is like - I did some fucked up shit but this is worse! The shit this unnamed bad guy is doing worse! And he says that Moloch and Manhattan’s old girlfriend are on some mysterious list!

M: It's Veidt. Rorschach tries to nail Moloch for taking a medication made from apricot pits. Which are POISONOUS BTW, DO NOT EAT THEM. Rorschach spends fucking ten more minutes slow mo fucking monologuing about shit we already know and JUST SAW. There's so much extra shit in this movie that does not need to be here. He sounds like fucking Wolverine. Is that Hollis?

B: I can't even tell because this movie is SO DARK. We get a feeble attempt to connect newspaper man and the animated comic.

M: At least it's less jarring. Comic man drools excessively for no reason. They're even leaving bits of THIS story out and making it even weirder and more disparate than it needs to be. Fucking why.

The nightmares, they never stop.

M: Okay Jesus they went from that straight to Loorie and Jon trying to have sexxors and this is so wrong and out of place. And then Jon is six people.

B: god. jon. stop. what are u doing? I took a theatre class in high school and all those kids were better actors than Malin Ackerman. Which is bad because Laurie is an integral character in Watchmen. This happened way earlier and this is why she ran away to Dan in the comic, but it's fine. It's fine. Whatever. I don't care. She gets mad but not really because acting.

M: Jon underacts but that's his entire thing. This is so disjointed. Jon is teleporting reactors to Karnak while they argue. This will be relevant later.

B: Three bepis, no FOUR! Too much bepis for my needs. Or not enough...

M: Jesus Christ.

B: And NOW laurie shows up at dan's place. We needed to drag this out because we were REALLY stretching to get this movie to feature length, y’know?? We were really scraping at the bottom of the Watchmen barrel for content. There's just not enough material to get a good long juicy film out of it.

M: Can we just skip this whole part? I'll summarize. Laurie and Dan spend half an hour whining at each other because Laurie and Jon had a fight and they kinda wanna bang but that will take three hours to get to as well for no good goddamn reason. Meanwhile Jon is putting on a suit to do a tv interview.

B: There's a lot of scenes of Dan and Laurie but there's no chemistry at all between them and there's no buildup to their actual relationship. Even Dan is so nothing in this movie and I liked him. And there's an article from the comic because this is JUST LIKE THE COMIC.

M: Why are they...oh they're going to Hollis...but this isn't how it happened. They literally make this longer for no reason.

B: I know it would be really hard to cut anything from Watchmen, because pretty much everything is significant - there's no material that can really be removed that wouldn’t be missed in the final product. BUUUT they just added a whole ton of meaningless shit to this damn movie! At the expense of scenes we actually wanted! Dr Manhattan has his tv interview. This is not gonna go well. Everyone is like wtf are you talking about Jon. Dan and Lori beat up a bunch of thugs because uh...they're living for thrills?

M: Some reporter dude stands up and starts shit with Manhattan. He accuses him of giving everyone cancer. I'm sorry I caused all that cancer. You'd think Jon would KNOW whether or not he caused cancer...he was a fucking physicist.

B: Jon doesn't know whether or not he's radioactive. Spoiler alert: he ain't. He's just had his intrinsic fields removed - really simple procedure, like taking out the appendix.

M: *cronches pizza rolls*

B: A lot less screen time for Janey Slater in the movie, too. She's like "PRETTY PATTIES TURNED MY FACE PURPLE!!!" and then Doc Manhattan teleports everyone out of the studio because he's very emotional rn. That makes...one person in this movie with intense emotions.

M: You're right there...nobody in this movie really shows much in the way of emotion. Everyone's just sorta like "well, the world's going to shit - huh." I REALLY don't like the way they incorporated Tales of the Black Freighter into this movie.

B: Idec what's happening in this stupid anime. Man wants to get home before the freighter. Builds raft out of bloated corpses. Freaky eyes. It's supposed to parallel various elements of the 'real world' storylines but it's so jarring that drawing those connections becomes nigh on impossible. In the comic, panels from TotBF were often right alongside panels from the main story, but you couldn't really do something like that in a movie. They also still don't really do anything with the newspaper corner bits.

M: Did they actually show Dr. Manhattan leaving Earth?

B: No. Not yet.

M: So they just throw us into this scenario?

B: Yep. Dr. Manhattan got ANGERY and was like "y'know what? I'm going to Mars to deliver some exposition!! Way later than this happened in the comic, but who gives a flying fuck??" And we sorta get the explanation of the way Jon perceives time - but again, much less effective than it was in the comic. Everything in this movie is so DARK. 'Dark and gritty' doesn't usually refer to the visuals of a story.

M: Jon got stuck in an experimental machine where they were doing SCIENCE. He got disintegrated.

B: Just look at the SYMBOLISM...I mean, uh, the time. Jon's narration sounds like ASMR. He eventually manages to reassemble himself, but now he's blue....and nAkEd.

M: This giant naked blue dude shows up and Janey is just like "Jon?? Is that you??"

B: Jon is super-powerful, so the govt lords him as a weapon and uses him to help end the Vietnam war, and a lot of references to nuclear power.

M: I know his symbol is supposed to be a hydrogen atom, but it kinda looks like the power button on an Xbox.

Particle man, particle man...

B: This movie feels significantly gorier than the comic...which is not necessary. Janey is worried about how powerful Jon is - or she just wants him to put some fuckin' pants on.

M: Speaking of things that take you out of the movie - Jon's ENTIRE backstory in one flashback. Worked in the comic, not in the movie.

B: Jon macks on a 16 year old girl and is like - why is this a problem? My girlfriend is getting old, I gotta get a new one. Also I'm tired of earth. Going to mars.

M: We literally zoom out from Jon's ass crack.

B: There is no reason to put a physical or cgi camera that close to anyone's ass crack.

M: Jon has fucked off and now they're interrogating Laurie about where he went. She randomly assaults one of them because she can? Why are we having this slo mo smoking moment? And now another flashback to the Comedian... oh right, we have to have Laurie's version of why this guy was a douchebag.

B: Eddie's like, you think I'd fuck my daughter? And Sally is like - yah you might.

M: The gubmint is freaking out because their giant blue naked nuclear weapon has gone to Mars. I hate the Nixon makeup so much. He looks so fake. They wasted their budget on Manhattan's cock. I can't believe we still have 2 hours of this shit left.

B: (separate tangent about her cat) I'd rather focus on my cat than this movie. Why is this scene happening? Why is it significant? Is it supposed to increase the tension with the whole nuclear war thing??

M: I don't know. Why is it going on for so long? They figured out he's on mars because there's a blue spot? Uh...Laurie is beating up a guy and chaining him to a radiator? What....What did that have to do with ANYTHING? The gubmint is now attacking Veidt for trying to create free energy...?

B: This scene is just for Ozymandias to explain his backstory...I guess??

M: I honestly have no idea what's going on.

B: It's supposed to parallel the scene in the comic where he talks about Alexander the Great and stuff...

M: This happened at the END of the comic tho.

B: But here it's just...confusing. The choices they made just generally leave you feeling confused. Not like the comic did. It's ‘Vight’. I'm right.

Adrian Veidt is gay is the most discussed in the media in the few years ago.

M: Oh and now the scene where a hitman shows up disguised as a pizza guy so we can slow mo more totally excessive gore.

B: There was plenty of violence in the comic but...you can be dark and edgy without being this damn gory. Dan and Laurie have yet another meaningless conversation at a table and now Dan is suddenly on board with Rorshach's paranoia??

M: And Dan invites her to come over but in the comic she literally ran to him immediately after Jon left. Jesus now Rorshach is fucking monologuing again. They're fucking with the order of events again and it's pissing me off.

B: They don't seem to do it with any rhyme or reason. You have to make changes to adapt to a medium but there's zero apparent reason for the changes in chronology...

M: Rorschach breaks into Moloch's house so he can get caught again. Why the fuck would Moloch know about any of this??

B: But Moloch is dead. It was a SET UP.

M: I'm losing all plot cohesiveness because of all this nonsense. I can't remember what actually happened. Ten minutes of Rorshach slow mo fighting his way out but he's gonna get caught because Veidt organized all this but they don't tell you that in the movie because of reasons.

B: We're not explaining a lot of the plot because it's happening so slowly. They caught Rorschach. They takin' im to prison.

M: Rorschach don't care. He got shit to do. And now maybe back to the animation...? Yes.

B: They do like 1/16th of this shit with the newstand corner. They should have just not at all done it. They just seem like framing to put the Black Freighter in there.

M: Except they don't do it every time, and that makes it worse. And they made weird ass changes to this story too. It's supposed to parallel what's happening in the main story but it's making NO SENSE.

B: This also adds nothing to the story and it breaks the immersion.

M: It mostly seems like an excuse to be gross. And now for Rorschach's mental health evaluation.

B: He's psycho bonkers crazy. Part of the concept of Watchmen is that everyone has issues. The complex psychology.

Look inside your local garbage and you may find a friend and boy.

M: Aw who cares about that. Let's shoot off some more fingers! We get his entire backstory in very very short flashbacks. He's still nuts.

B: This was over the course of quite a while in the comic.

M: Yeah but suddenly we're pressed for time in the seven hour long movie so we gotta condense his entire story into a ten minute scene. Which makes this feel rushed, which is fucking weird considering how drawn out every fucking thing in this movie is.

B: The comic felt like a bunch of stories being told at once but all tying in together at a certain point. Convergent stories The movie feels like a bunch of different stories that happen and then they're over. They're not tying anything together. (Biscuits starts singing Linkin Park because this part is so fucking dark)

M: So he's telling this story about how he killed a guy for kidnapping a girl and Biscuits is looking up the name of that song because she can't remember what it's called and still singing.

B: It's called Shadow of the Day...it’s like the one Linkin Park song I know

M: Okay. And Rorschach is gonna....kill this guy with a hatchet???

B: That is NOT how that happened. He tied him up and set that house on fire. But now he's gonna hit that guy in the head 20 times. And now he's Rorschach. There is no Laura, only Zuul.

M: ...Dana!!

B: Oh...Dana....is that from...

M: Ghostbusters!

B: I didn't wanna say it and have you be like - No it's from the Exorcist!

M: That would have been pretty funny in the exorcist. There is no Pazuzu, only Zuul.

B: Rorschach delivers the iconic line - I'm not locked in here with you, you're locked in here with me. The angrier he gets the more gravelly his voice gets. Meanwhile back at the ranch...Lori looks at Dan's shit.

M: You gotta be more specific. In this movie it might be actual shit. She's looking at this ship.

B: He's got some cool etchings, and a stamp collection. She sets things on fire. In the comic she thought it was the cigarette lighter. That's not how you put out a fire.

Laurie is an expert firefighter.

M: She doesn't have any brains.

B: She's an animatronic being controlled offscreen. Everything is so bland in this movie. We really aren't given any reasons to connect with Dan and Laurie.

M: This scene isn't helping either. It's boring and we don't care what's happening because we don't fucking care about Dan and Looooooorie. I can't think of a couple with less chemistry than these two.

B: Do you know what this means??

M: Yes.

B: We're getting close to the sex scene. It's like a case study in how not to do a sex scene in a movie. It's like the most awkward horrible thing that can be done. These scenes were in the comic, but not like this.

M: They're not gonna bang right now anyway because Dan can't get it up because uh...Adrian isn't doing gymnastics in the background and Unforgettable isn't playing.

B: Patrick Wilson's titty.

M: Did we really need to...

B: It's okay. Patrick Wilson is reasonably attractive. I would give those titties a six. Maybe a seven. Compared to having to see Malin Ackerman's tits, I would give them an 11. They're better than Manhattan's tits, which are cgen and disgustingly hyperdetailed.

M: BACK TO RORSCHACH. Who is being threatened by a little person named Big Figure because that's fucking funny. I guess. But it's also canon. And now Dan's dreaming but there's no actual meaning here because they do it wrong.

B: It really would have been better to put that in there after Dan and Laurie stop trying to bang instead of going to Rorschach?

M: And then IMMEDIATELY back to the animated parts with NO warning.

B: That was the worst editing I've ever seen. Sharks are eating the corpse boat.

M: I'm so confused. How did that shark get back up into the boat thing....

B: Who the fuck cares anymore.

M: Back to reality?? Snoop Dogg threatens the comic reading man because uh...

B: Snap back to reality...OH there goes gravity...something about spaghetti. And now back to Dan who is staring naked at his suit. There's too many behinds in this movie.

M: Are you gonna rate it?

B: I like plenty of naked behinds in other contexts.

M: I'm not even gonna ask.

B: Dreiberg is pretty ripped for being supposedly flabby and old. Laurrrrrie decides they should go fight crime.

Unfortunately, Malin Akerman.

M: Night Owl's costume is so bad. Like Ozymandias’ costume and...most of the costumes.

B: Laurie's costume is mostly see through because she can't fight crime if she's not sexy. We don't get any explanation of Dan's bird love in the movie. He's a good bird boy. That's a tongue twister.

M: They're saving people from a fire. I kinda want to go take a nap.

B: Why is he shooting into the burning building???

M: I don't know! Oh it's a water tower.

B: I thought he was just shooting up a burning building.

M: I'm sorry but she would be DEAD from that backdraft. There is no way. So now they gotta drop people off so they can bang in the owlship. Which I don't wanna see. SKIP.

B: This isn't how this happened in the comic at all.

M: Back to Rorschach again. They don't do the whole language pun thing which was so fucking cool in the comic. Big Figure. Small world. Why is all Rorschach's shit cut out??? Don't tell me they didn't have time. They see one dead guy and they know Rorschach is alive?

B: Professional dead guy appraiser.

M: Oh yeah there's a whole prison riot going on but we don't know why in the movie because they don't explain it.

B: Now Dan and Lari are gonna beat up some guys but it's so fucking dark it's like I'm watching Fan4stic. More slow mo.

M: They had to cut Rorschach's story to make time for all the slow mo.

B: I hate Night Owl's outfit. Leri's doesn't look anything like the comic either. I punched that guy! I'm a strong independent woman!

M: Rorschach goes to kill Big Figure in the bathroom which also fucks up what happened in the comic. Luri calls Rorschach an idiot and they start bitch fighting but Dan is like come on we gotta go. We have an hour left. We have to start building each other up.

B: (sings Livin' on a prayer )

M: NOT HOW THIS HAPPENED EITHER. Jon shows up after they get back and kidnaps Liri to mars where there's no air because he's a dick like that.

B: Diet bepis.

M: Laurie somehow knows she's on Mars because there's a giant glass sculpture there. Like on Mars. You know. Back to Snoop and his gang who randomly decide to take out Night Owl but pick the wrong one and beat up Hollis. Poor Hollis.

Yep, definitely Mars.

B: Obviously the editors don't care about the timeline either. Liri's mother is on the phone with Hollis talking about what happened the night before but I thought this was the same night? Who genuinely cares?

M: This movie is rated almost 5 stars on Amazon. You go Hollis, punch at least one of em!

B: The gang beats up Hollis and kills him because it's JUST LIKE THE COMIC. Hollis has flashbacks while he's getting killed. And killed by his own award. But we don't get the scene where he GOT the award. It's fine. I'm not mad.

M: Back to fucking Rorschach and Dan and Laurie and I'm tired of typing that sentence. Rorschach suddenly is sure it's the pyramid people doing all the bad but he has no fucking evidence? Dan lays the smack down and the bromance can continue.

Just like back in college...

B: We're just two dudes in a rad bromance....They're going to an underworld bar because they're looking for seedy dudes.

M: How would these dudes even know about the pyramid thing?

B: That's just how Rorschach do. Follow the money. Rorschach writes a lot of youtube conspiracy videos.

M: Dan finds out some dude helped kill Hollis.

B: Also back on Mars...ugh..his dick is moving back and forth and I know that’s realistic but ugh...It’s different when it’s just a still panel in a comic and not...this...you're made of molecular nothingness, can't you just suck it up into your body or something?

M: Back on Mars Jon goes on his seven hour long predestination trip while his dick wiggles.

B: Jon I have feelings, pls believe me.

M: You can't fucking...you can't...you can't fucking take all this dialogue and re-arrange it and make it work. It doesn't work, now it just seems empty and nobody cares. Lauree was having a total breakdown because Jon wanted HER to make him save the entire earth and now just stand there looking bored.

B: Dan and Ror have broken into Veidt's office searching for answers. Dan is an expert hacker. Creator's name was Jeff Jeff, born on the eighth of Jeff, 19-Jeffity-Jeff. So I put in 'Jeff'.

M: Do they even mention in the movie that Adrian Veidt is supposed to be like, the 'smartest man in the world'? Actually, we don't really learn anything about Veidt in this movie...What do we really know about him? He's rich? He makes plans? Possibly homosexual?

B: *Hacker voice* I'm in. Boys Folder, iconic. Veidt doesn't really keep his most secret government and corporate secrets very...well-hidden. Next to his boys, yanno.

M: Adrian had a team of like three people in the comic. His suit...

B: It has nip- It has NIPPLES!!!

M: *chokes to death laughing* I've never heard anyone so angry about nipples in my whole life.

A toast, to my suit’s nipples.

B: Did Batman and Robin teach the human race nothing???!!? Nipples on superhero costumes = a bad idea. Veidt has killed all his scientists. AND NOW - My Bubastis rant. Whhyyyyy is Bubastis in this fucking movie??????? She just shows up in this scence with NO EXPLANATION. Just, "oh hey...Ozymandias has a giant mutant lynx." and why would she even EXIST in this continuity - he doesn't need the eugenics program in this version of the story. Was he just like "I want a mutant cat, please make me one."

M: How do we still have 50 minutes of movie left??? Oh, I guess...Tales of the Black Freighter. This is still going on. Crazy guy has reached land and kills some people, believing his hometown has been taken over....who really cares. Was there really anyone clamoring for them to put this into the movie?

B: *basically says nothing for this entire bit*

M: *basically says nothing for this entire bit*

B: NO TRANSITIONS, YEAH!

M: Now we're back to have the least impassioned discussion about saving the world ever. "Jon, no, everyone will die...." That's not how this happened - that's not how ANY of this happened. Y'know what, Jon, ya big naked blue freak...

B: Laurie sounds like a teenager who's mad that her parents won't buy her a car.

M: "Do that thing you do..." This is making me irrationally angry, and I've seen this TWICE.

B: This part makes me SO mad. Irrationally mad. They fuck this up so much. We do not get any context to explain how much Laurie hated the Comedian, and why him being her father is such a big deal.

M: Also, in the comic, it was a big deal that Laurie had this realization of her own volition. It came naturally as she tried to fight back her past memories (which were not at all like this), instead of just being magically brought out by Jon.

B: They completely squander Laurie's biggest moment of emotional development, in turn squandering Jon's turning point in deciding to save the world

M: I liked the whole snowglobe bit in the comic...I thought that was like really powerful, but in this she just...throws a temper tantrum.

B: Ugly cry face. At least...I think she's crying. Might just have smelled some expired doppelganger. Jon's speech about life is also...rushed. And they leave out my favorite line. “Come, dry your eyes, for you are life - rarer than a quark and unpredictable beyond the dreams of Heisenberg.”

Acting, I think...

M: Laurie looks like she doesn't understand a single thing Jon's saying to her right now. "Jon...you're talking science again, and I don't understand it."

B: I've already complained about the inappropriate scoring. It hasn't gotten any better.

M: So Dan and Ror are heading to Antartica at record fucking speed. Rorschach tries to tell Dan how to drive the fucking ship Dan designed and built. All Along the Watchtower is playing at record loudness for no reason. Somehow they made it to Antartica in five minutes.

B: They're heeeeeere.

M: If Veidt knew they were coming why wouldn't he just open the door instead of letting them fry it with lasers? Veidt is sitting there pretending that he doesn't notice them creeping in to kill him. Suddenly we are shown that Veidt is somehow some superhuman fighter and gymnast which wasn't included in the movie at all.

B: Come on and SLAM. Hello there, sailors.

M: And now for some exposition while a vigorous swordfight is going on. Not really. Veidt is still going on and on about how smart he is and how he organized all this shit.

B: As with any mystery, it ends with the villian explaining how he did everything.

M: In the comic he literally says he's not a comic villian and wouldn't do that, but you know.

B: I could have sworn there was an alien in here....like there was something vaguely about an alien?? This is alien invader erasure and I will not tolerate it. That would break the suspension of disbelief, I guess. If Veidt wanted to make an alien and use that to unite the world.

M: Yeah that would be bonkers, especially in a world where giant naked blue men with god powers exist.

B: He is smart enough not to monologue BEFORE he pulled off his evil plan.

M: And now we see earth exploding or whatever because of Veidt and uh...suddenly we're back at the fucking animated comic.

B: The whole idea of him uniting the world against Manhattan just doesn't click for me. The alien was supposed to be neutral, to be anomalous. It also doesn't make sense that he would drive Jon to leave earth.

M: Way to pull us the fuck out of the super important ending. Slow zoom back out to the kid reading the comic who complains that it makes no sense. I feel you kid.

B: They're trying to pull everything together here with the clock and the therapist guy and everything but it was all crushed by the alien invader but now it's just Dr Manhattan's..energy force?? But they'll be able to recognize that it was Manhattans? Didn't they know that Veidt was trying to use his energy too??

M: Yes.

B: Oh it's bad. Oh no.

Bubastis’ one moment in the movie...

M: Jon and Lurie return to earth post uh..time bomb or whatever. Jon realizes the energy signature is here. He is not muddled or confused or anything though like he is in the book, so he just immediately goes to Antartica to kick Veidt's ass but then immediately goes through the intrinsic field subtractor like a fucking moron. Why would this even effect Jon? Why would the smartest man alive not figure out that it wouldn't work?

B: Laurie says things....she shoots Veidt but he catches the bullet because he's uh..just that radical. Stuff is happening.

M: For not being a comic book villian Veidt is super fucking acting like a goddamn comic book villian. Jon shows up all super huge now and he's kinda mad at Veidt. But not that mad. Veidt uses his magical remote control to show melty face Nixon demanding peace.

B: And this works because...why not?

M: Because the fucking movie has to end SOMETIME. In the comic there were hundreds of screens showing everything but you know...America. Veidt is like - this is our victory Jon and Jon SHOULD be like - you used me to blow people up dude. Fuck you.

B: Uh uh, can't do that, you'll screw up the peace! Rorschach is like fuck no, I ain't keeping this a secret.

M: I'd side with Rorschach with this tbh, Veidt is a fucking madman. He's like the fucking Governor from the Walking Dead. Ror goes out to try and tell the world but Jon kills him.

B: But of course he wouldn't do that, he told the world 35 minutes ago!

M: He literally did. Rorschach explodes and Dan gets all sad. That was my favorite Rorschach! Now Patrick Wilson's ugly cry face.

I loved that Rorschach like a Rorschach...

B: Jon decides to leave and Laurie is like but why and he's like - well I can't go back to earth NOW.

M: I don't understand why Dan is trying to kick Veidt's ass now. He already agreed to let the mass murder slide. Veidt seems unconcerned.

B: We don't get the whole nothing ever ends quote either, which was a big deal in the comic.

M: They fucked the ending hard though. Like with a chainsaw.

B: They fucked the whole movie hard. With like 17 giant dicks. This shit is way fucked.

M: So I guess Dan and Lbrbbrie go back home? And visit her mom cos you know.

B: And all the reconciliation Lrry had to do in the comic is reduced to one pathetic encounter with her mother. And it means NOTHING because we only get one little scene where Loree is SAD. The whole movie is this way. It's just a bunch of stuff that HAPPENS.

M: I don't give a shit about any of these characters. There's a lot of Lyrie and Dan kissy facing and talking about stuff that doesn't matter now.

B: Nothing ever ends but that's not..at all the way it was supposed to be done...at all.

M: WHY ISN'T THIS OVER, GOD. Straight outta the fucking comic we get the last bit where the greasy kid pulls Rorschach's fucking notebook out of the crank file to publish it so 30 years later they could write the mess that is Doomsday Clock.

B: Not EVEN gonna get into that. That's a whole other screaming fit. But that’s a comic, not a movie.

M: *AGGRESSIVE HEADBANGING TO DESOLATION ROW*

B: *AGGRESSIVE HEADBANGING TO DESOLATION ROW*

M: I don't have any closing thoughts. I'm tired of typing. I hate this movie. I hate what they do to every fucking Alan Moore venture. He deserves better. Write less deep shit Alan and they might actually do you right one day.

B: I find the existence of this movie to be a highly overrated phenomenon. I do, however, fucking love the My Chemical Romance cover of Desolation Row.

Munch and Biscuits out, yo.

[bedlamgames]

Q&A #68

Today among others image sourcing, decidedly rare text events, words that may or may not be words, and when the next update is coming out. 

Anonymous: Typo with advanced lesbian trained slave message. >Your convent slave Gigi slithered her well trained well trained naughty tongue down Carmen's crotch and lapped at their fancy slit. The slaver basked in the sensations, idly twisting and pulling on Gigi's nipples whenever they felt that she could be licking more diligently

Cheers for the spot and will sort. 

Anonymous: Hi, I have a question, I've searched every possible setting in art source info and couldn't find any mention of this action - I am trying to find the source of the left human futanari oral/fuck performance on a slave and failed, google search on image also didn't help. Can you help with finding source or you aren't helping ith this kind of question (I can perfectly understand why). picture with hentai futa succubus sitting on a throne and slave under her, right is lucien's futa succ fucking elf

Nah, that’s an entirely reasonable ask. The art sources is something I’m committed to getting done, but I’ll also more than admit that it’s slow going so it’s something I’ve very happy to take questions on. First SourceNAO is an incredible resource that’s been superb for me being able to back track to where I found stuff in the first place. As for that source it’s ‘member.php?id=15603′ on Pixiv or usatarou if you’d prefer to search on one of the ‘boorus. 

Anonymous: Bug Report: I have a slave who is hungover, and the status never seems to go away, so she can't be trained. Order of events was she was a slaver, got sent on quick as you like and failed. I planted a couple hypnotic triggers and then turned her into a slave. She'd still show up in the summary of slaver activities at the end of a day before getting hungover, but now she doesn't show up in either the slave or slaver section of the report. 

First how could you enslave a lass when she’s still the worse for wear from the previous night? C’mon that’s just evil :D

Seriously thanks for the spot and will correct the oversight that made that possible. 

Anonymous: In the future, will we be able to pick what race our slavers will be on startup? Yea there's Harmony and Shun others, but like if I want to play a human female "Goblin Queen" and have a full team of goblin slavers or something like that. Maybe just a way to pick a prefered race as "higher chance of starting slaver being X race", with your leader's race picked by default.

That shouldn’t be an issue to implement if you want it. Will see if I can include it for the upcoming update.

Anonymous: The latest hotfix had this line. >-Additional text for getting a tattoo while having either of the biomancy senses upgrades. < Ho can you get those upgrades on yourself? You can't use biomancy on slavers, can you? Is it a failure state, like growing your own ass/breasts or losing positive traits? If so, that's kind of a pain in the ass. Deliberately failing biomancy attempts and save-scumming until you get the 'correct' failure is going to be a real waste of time.

It’s really not something that’s vital to see, and really not something I’d expect people to go out of their way to see via saving and reloading. Someone suggested it as something they’d like to see added and it was quick to implement so I figured why not. 

Anyway if we’re taking obscure text it’s got nothing on a part to take account of changing outfits involving a very unlikely outcome of the Wrapped in Webs assignments. There was a bug report that really amused me by it being so unbelievably out there that I just had to give it some love :)

The joy of the game I’ve always aimed for number one is replayability so I’m really not expecting everything in the game to be seen in one playthrough or even ten or twenty. 

Anonymous: Sometimes an assignment result have the image replaced with a video player. I can't make the video to play and theres no result text so I'm wondering if this is a bug. This just happened on a critical success recapture mission and I know the same thing happened on a mission in the plains. Cant remember which one though. Maybe Scavange Unattended.

That sounds like a definite bug where RAGS doesn’t recognise the image being requested. Any assignment you spot this on please can you let me know about so I can sort them out. 

Anonymous: I asked a slave to become a camp bitch and got this text "...Of course with their training they were never going to say no, IRREGARDLESS of what you might have suggested. Most of your text is right on track! But if irregardless were a word, it would mean ir(not)-regard(related to)-less(not). Is my slave not going to say no, not not regarding what I suggest? Help me stamp out this abomination unto English and keep up the good work! =)

Cheers and will sort. 

Anonymous: I recently did the sissy farm quest and crit it and got the keldan but when i went to estimate value it didn't have a + value for the breasts despite the description listing her as truly titanic tits, I then did some biomancy on her and reduced her breasts and it still said it was truly titanic, but started showing up as the +40 value, not exactly sure how that works unless the game tried to spawn her with tits a size larger than truly titanic and the game then didn't count it as having a +value

My guess would be it sounds like you have the right of it. Will sort it out. 

Anonymous: Have a bug with a slave-turned-slaver through the training route with version 0.7802. When I examine her, it displays her description (looks, manners, etc., both paragraphs) twice. If it matters, she's a Wood Elf, got her from a crit on the Everwood caravan assignment.

Huh, not one I’ve heard of before so that is very odd. Will see if I can work how that happened. 

Anonymous: eta. on the next build? if it's out only like 2 weeks I'd skip this one.

I’m aiming for by the end of next week though that might slip as I’m going to be away for the holidays from the weekend. 

ultrabloed: Hey there! Two questions that came up when I revisited your two most recent builds. 1: Any plan on finally getting importing old savegames to work? 2: Mind spilling the beans on what hypnosis can do by now? Remember ages ago it was essentially a weaker dominate without any actual features outside mission success. Has that changed? I tried looking into some changelogs, but didn't realy found out much at all.

I feel that’s always going to have issues given RAGS being RAGS but when I’ve got the base functionality completely nailed it should be a lot safer. 

Hypnosis you can use now to implant triggers in your slavers to get them to be more likely to agree during respect checks. I’m planning to use it later to implant hypnotic mantras in slaves and also to deal with some annoying mental traits like unruly and poor morale. 

[maggiemay67]

Another of my fan fics from a while back ( Parent lock)

The Personal Blog Of Dr.John H.Watson ——————————————— So that’s it.Me and baby Rosie have officially moved back in to Baker Street.Well I have moved back in. Rosie has never lived here before properly.I mean she has stayed once or twice but now it’s official.We are both living with Sherlock Holmes.

After a very stressful few months,it’s nice to get some routine and normalcy back into our lives.Stop laughing!Baker street (weirdly enough) has helped to do just that.

Sherlock has put my chair back and Mrs Hudson is making me my favourite tea tonight.Sherlock used his violin to get Rosie to sleep this afternoon.It worked on me too!I’m a bit knackered, so having Sherlock around to help me is working out pretty good.Greg and Molly said we are like those guys in that film.The one with Tom Selleck,Ted Danson and Steve Guttenberg.Only there is not three men.There is only two men and Mrs Hudson.

Anyway.Enough rambling.Rosie needs feeding and Sherlock keeps calling for me in a panicked manner.He hasn’t quite mastered that skill yet.He is trying though.He is becoming quite fond of her I think, though he’d never admit to it!

It’s good to finally be home.

COMMENTS ————– Harry Watson: So you are living with that freak properly now are you? With my niece in tow!Bloody Fantastic John!

Mycroft Holmes: So you are the alcoholic,lesbian sister of John are you?

Harry Watson: And you must be the anally retentive,sexually ambiguous,tory/control freak brother of Sherlock?

Mycroft Holmes: Charmed.So what seems to be your problem with Sherlock and John’s current living arrangements, Miss Watson?

Harry Watson: My niece absolutely cannot stay at Baker street.It’s an unsafe environment for a child to grow up in.Victor Frankenstein is a liability, with his science potions and seedy clients turning up at all hours of the night.

Mycroft Holmes: Where would you rather she stay?In the off licence you call a flat?

Harry Watson: I’m sober.

Mycroft Holmes: For today perhaps…. but what of tomorrow?

Harry Watson: Baker Street is not the proper place for her.He isn’t capable of looking after an infant.

Mycroft Holmes: Which one?

Harry Watson: You know exactly who I am referring to!

Mycroft Holmes: You actually dare to question a Holmes’s ability to rare a child up from infancy, when the alternative is a Watson! While my brother was baby proofing the house today,your brother was once again arguing with a chip and pin machine because his funds are low.

Harry Watson: Hear that John!He thinks you are poor!

John Watson: I am bloody poor!Can you two stop arguing on my blog please!You don’t even know one another!

Harry Watson: When all I have to go on is the two Holmes I see from the messages in front of me,then yes,I would question a Holmes’s ability in that area!Oh, and I hardly call removing the dead body parts from view and putting the acid higher on the shelf,‘baby proofing’, the house.

Harry Watson: A doctor… not good enough for a Holmes!Your brother does what exactly?What is your brothers real job?Looks to me from all this on here,that he sits about all day doing sod all but boss my brother around!

Mycroft Holmes: My brother defends queen and country.

Harry Watson: Oh please! He make believes being a detective like a child would do.

Mycroft Holmes: Consulting detective. What does your brother do?Oh that’s right, he chooses to follow Sherlock around and then writes about his adventures!

Harry Watson: Until Sherlock Holmes has lifted a gun and charged through a minefield, not knowing if he’ll live or die, all in the name of his queen and country, like my brother has, don’t even speak to me!!Typical over privileged elitists,living off their name and inheritance .I wondered how long it would be before breeding and money were mentioned.John this Mycroft one is probably trying to steal Rosie so he can sell her to some wealthy couple he knows in his fox skinning group!

John Watson: Lol.Harry calm down.Stop being silly.

Mycroft Holmes: Can we really be sure you do not have a similar plan set up to obtain a bottle of vodka.You are completely ridiculous Miss Watson.

Harry Watson: Says the man who talks like a villian in a Jane Austen novel and carries a brolly on the driest days of the year!Tim burton called by the way.He was wondering if Danny Devito could have his penguin costume back.

Mycroft Holmes: Ohh pop culture references…how quaint.I assume I’m meant to be deeply offended by the insinuation that John mocks me to you.

Sherlock Holmes: We all mock you Mycroft.

Harry Watson: The fact is that Sherlock is dangerous!He shot a man because he flicked my brothers face!

Mycroft Holmes: Your precious brother John shot a man on the first day he met Sherlock!

Harry Watson: Your brother threw himself off of a building in front of my brother and made him believe he had died!

Mycroft Holmes: My brother did that because there was a sniper aiming a gun at your brothers head at the time!He 'killed’ himself to protect John! Two years in the most dangerous conditions imaginable.All for John Watson.What does that tell you!

Harry Watson: Your brother lured John to a giant bomb that was strapped to a train carriage.He then pretended he hadn’t disabled it to get John to forgive him.What does that tell you?

Mycroft Holmes: My brother put a death sentence on his head for your brother,his wife and that child!If it hadn’t been for Moriarty returning,that Eastern European mission would have killed him in six months as I told him it would!He willingly went to his death to ensure John’s happiness in life.So please do not attempt to play the 'whose brother is the more unhinged’ game.You’d lose!Especially when we consider the fact that your Dr.Watson chose to marry a psychopath, who then preceded to shoot Sherlock.A Psychopath who helped him spawn that niece you are so concerned about.

Harry Watson: Well, John is still living with a psychopath as far as I’m concerned, just not that particular one!

Mycroft Holmes: John IS a psychopath! Danger is what what he desires most, which is why he is so obsessed with Sherlock!

Harry Watson: Obsessed with your brother?Well he’s not the only one that is obsessed here is he?

Mycroft Holmes: Obviously Sherlock is equally as besotted. He ran into a bonfire to save John.

Harry Watson: John has done PLENTY for Sherlock over the years .He jumped onto a madman with a bomb strapped to him.All to save your brother!

John Watson: Christ! We go out on one case,come back and it’s world War three on here!Can you both delete this stuff from the blog please?You are going to get us all arrested!Then there will be no one to look after Rosie!

Mycroft Holmes: Calm down John.Currently this blog is invisible to everyone other than the four of us.Not even Mrs Hudson can see on Mrs Turner’s computer.

Sherlock Holmes: Obviously Mycroft.

John Watson: OHHH OF COURSE YOU BLOODY KNEW!Thanks for telling me Sherlock.Nearly keeled over there thinking Greg would be at the door to handcuff us!

Sherlock Holmes: Stop being so dramatic John.Even if Lestrade had saw this,he would no doubt still not be able to piece it all together and solve a crime.

John Watson: Stop being so horrible about Greg ( Lestrade).

Sherlock Holmes: Or what?

John Watson: I’ll not make you tea tonight.

Sherlock: Fine….. —————————————————————————————————— MOBILE PHONE CONVERSATION

Am I imagining this or is your big brother and my big sister having some sort of weird playground type slanging match to defend our honour on the blog?-JW

Tediously dull isn’t it?-SH

Very Enlightening actually.You lied about that 6 month mission.That’s big Sherlock.That changes some things-JW

Changes what?Why would it change anything now?-SH

JOHN?-SH

What does it change John?-SH

Is it the tea?Will you not make the tea now?-SH

—————————————————————————————————— BLOG CONVERSATION (Continued)

Harry Watson: Seriously John who is this guy!You can’t raise her in that warped environment!

John Watson: I can and I will…with Sherlock.TOGETHER.

Harry Watson: We could see about that.

Sherlock Holmes: Excuse me…what?

Mycroft Holmes: If you think you have any sway over the child’s upbringing, then you have clearly been brain damaged through your excessive alcohol consumption.You stand before two men whose friends list includes a dominatrix blackmailer,a head inspector at Scotland Yard,the British government and most worrying for you,a morgue attendant .So I would think carefully before you make such idle threats towards them.I could have you deported or placed in jail in the time it takes for me to make a phone call.

Harry Watson: So John, this is your idea of family now is it?THESE TWO?Well that’s just great!Expect your daughter to become as fucked up as everyone else in this conversation then.Goodbye!

Mycroft Holmes: Good riddance!

Sherlock Holmes: Do shut up Mycroft!

Harry Watson: Harry, don’t be like that.I want you to be a part of our lives.Lets all give each other a chance here and calm down shall we? We all think that Mycroft is a bit of a tosser sometimes,including Sherlock.

Sherlock Holmes: Me more so than anyone.

Harry Watson: Well that’s in your favour I suppose.

Mycroft Holmes: I’m still here you know!

Harry Watson: Do you know the reason I didn’t come to that wedding with serial killer?

John Watson: If you mean Mary…then…no…I don’t…

Harry Watson: Because I knew!I just bloody knew the hold this lunatic had over you.I knew he was always the one.I knew you and him would eventually end up standing here one day like this.Together and all officially domesticated.He’s trouble John.I worry about you more now than I ever did when you were in Afghanistan.He attracts trouble.He’ll be the death of you.I don’t want him to be the death of Rosie.

Sherlock Holmes: I made a vow to protect them at all costs and I have honoured that vow.I will honour that vow all of my life Harry Watson.

Harry Watson: I don’t doubt that you love John but love doesn’t keep my brother and my niece safe from murderers and mad men.

Mycroft Holmes: No but my round the clock governmental security team does.Your niece if currently safer and is a higher priority than some members of the royal family.Why do you think this blog has currently been blocked from other users?John didn’t think.He advertised her presence at Baker Street.He spoke about how familiar Sherlock was getting with her.How attached.Anyone can see this blog.Including their enemies.I think of these things even if my brother and his partner are too stupid not to!

Sherlock Holmes Do not call me stupid Mycroft. I did not write the thing.John did.He is the stupid one.

John Watson: Hold on…love …partners? Me and Sherlock?That’s not what is going on..We….we are not…we are not together like that ….

Mycroft Holmes: Oh please!

Harry Watson: Oh please!

Mycroft Holmes: Must you keep denying that you are in love with one another?

Harry Watson: It’s getting embarrassing.

MYCROFT Holmes: Miss Watson is right.It’s becoming dull.

Sherlock Holmes: Oh good they have finally found some common ground John.

John Watson: Me and Sherlock care about one another deeply but we have never.We are not together like that!

—————————————————————————————————— MOBILE PHONE CONVERSATION

Did you really agree to go to your death to protect Mary and our daughter? Is Mycroft being a drama queen or is that the truth?-JW

Mycroft is being a drama queen-SH

Well you won’t mind if I ask him then-JW

John….John just leave it.Make the tea instead-SH

—————————————————————————————————— BLOG CONVERSATION

John Watson: Mycroft, did Sherlock really agree to give up his life for my family?

MYCROFT Holmes Yes John.I have the papers that were signed off.I can have Anthea bring them over.

Sherlock Holmes: SHUT UP MYCROFT!

John Watson: Sherlock why would you give up your life for me?

Mycroft Holmes: For a second time.

Sherlock Holmes: WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP MYCROFT

John Watson: No…he’s right…Twice? Why?

Mycroft Holmes: The same reason that you jumped on Moriarty with a bomb strapped to you, remained in the carriage with Sherlock underneath parliament, came onto him when you were drunk at your stag night and moved back into Baker Street..

Sherlock Holmes: MYCROFT I WILL END YOU IF YOU DON’T SHUT YOUR FAT CAKE EATING MOUTH!

Harry Watson: SEE ….VIOLENCE….

John Watson: Hold on..how the bloody hell do you know I came onto him on my stag night?

Harry Watson: Not denying it then little brother.

John Watson: No…yes…shut up Harry!

Harry Watson: Go on John the cat is out the bag now.You might as well admit it. Tell him what you did every night after he died.Tell him the main reason I’m so pissed off with him.

John Watson: HARRY PISS OFF!

Mycroft Holmes: Oh do go on Harry.

Sherlock Holmes: MYCROFT!

Harry Watson: He got drunk every night and he’d phone me and cry.

John Watson: Harry…

John Watson: Tell me how he couldn’t stop thinking about Sherlock bloody Holmes.

John Watson: Harry please I’m begging you.

Harry Watson: How he missed him.

John Watson: Harry don’t do this to me.

Harry Watson: How he wished he would have told him how much he loved hi.

Mycroft Holmes: That almost sounds like exactly the same conversation I received from a drunk Sherlock one night in his two year exile.Begging me to look after John and keep him safe because he was,'the only thing in life that mattered to him now.’

John Watson: That’s it both of you…I’m logging off. Gits the pair of you.Absolute Gits!

Harry Watson: Charming!

Harry Watson: THE THINGS WE HAVE TO PUT UP WITH MYCROFT.

Mycroft Holmes: WE DESERVE A MEDAL, MISS WATSON.

Sherlock Holmes: I’m also logging off.I’m bored of this entire conversation.Maybe you two should meet up and share a cyanide pill.Oh and Mycroft, I know it’s a lot to ask of an idiot, but do remember to delete this entire conversation!You’ll give Anderson,Lestrade,Molly,Donovan and Mrs Hudson a coronary if you don’t!

—————————————————————————————————– MOBILE PHONE CONVERSATION

SO……-JW SO?-SH

That was all a bit mental wasn’t it?-JW

Just a bit….-SH

I think they got on quite well overall….-JW

John……about what was said.I think we need to talk about it properly-SH

Did you tell him I came onto you on my stag night?-JW

Yes-SH

You knew that’s what I was doing!I thought it had went over your head at the time.When I sobered up I prayed it had!-JW

None of your feelings that have concerned me go over my head I’m afraid-SH

Then you know.You know how I feel?-JW

YES-SH

Fuck!Why didn’t you say anything?-JW

You wouldn’t even admit it to yourself, far less me.Pointless.-SH

Until now-JW

Make the tea John and we’ll talk-SH

—————————————————————————————————————————————–

The Personal Blog Of Dr.John H.Watson

So.It finally happened.Me and Sherlock had sex.Hot,steamy, scream out loud sex.It was fantastic.Oh and the kissing.The kissing was like nothing i’ve ever experienced in my life.His tongue.That man’s tongue.The things it can do.I could spend an entire day describing the things that it can do, has done to every inch of my body since last night.God he has stamina.Hours we were at it for.He even had me in the shower this morning as well.

None of this would ever have happened without the interference of Mycroft and Harry.So you could say it’s all their doing.The only reason we are together and having lots and lots of mind blowing sex now,is because of Harry Watson and Mycroft and their little argument on this computer yesterday.

P.s - Hope this put a lovely image in both your minds today.That’ll teach you to interfere!

M.H When we talked about the blog being cordoned off yesterday, I did not say that it would be permanently removed.This blog entry is active John.Best delete is as quick as you can.

Mrs Turner Oh boys! So that’s what all the noise was last night.I thought you were watching one of those late night channel five films with the volume up really loud.I’m ever so pleased for you both, but I think this is one adventure you probably shouldn’t have written up a blog entry for John.

Mrs Turner This is Mrs Hudson by the way.I’m on Mrs Turners computer next door.

Harry Watson Lol.This is hilarious.Won’t be long before this is all over the papers and Internet.

Sherlock Holmes John, I have to say this is the best blog entry you have written.Keep up the good work.

Greg Lestrade Bloody hell John! It’s always the quiet ones you need to watch.

Molly Hooper Ohhhhhhhh…..ohhhhhh gosh.

I.A I knew Sherlock would want dinner with you eventually.I told him you liked him even more than I did.I told you as well remember?I’m never wrong with these things.

John Watson Shit!Would anyone believe me if I said I’d been hacked?

Sherlock No.

Sherlock You still haven’t made me tea John.

John Watson Shut up about the bloody tea!

Sherlock Holmes Or what?

John Watson Or I’ll Marry you!

Sherlock Holmes Tea

Sherlock Tea

Sherlock Tea

Sherlock Tea

———————————————————————————————————————————————-MOBILE PHONE CONVERSATION

Yes I will marry you-SH

Good-JW

I love you-SH

I love you too-JW

Now can you make the tea?-SH