#source: I am trans and exhausted

[mangora]

Ngl people who say “you can’t call ripaxel yuri even if you headcanon ripper as transfem because he’s still a man in the show!” sound kind of…transphobic-ish

[rainingincale]

I keep telling myself im gonna stop talking politically with people and then i do anyways 😭😭 cant bloody help myself 💀

[vaspider]

Intro Post, updated August 25, 2024

Due to the unfortunate level of scam requests I have received, I no longer reblog donation or fundraiser requests from blogs I do not recognize. Don't follow me just to submit a signal boost request. I notice, & I will just delete your ask and block you.

No, that doesn't mean I think you, personally, are a scammer. I just don't have the hours in my day to sift through the number of asks I get and verify them, so if I don't recognize someone from prior interaction, I just won't do it. Yes, I agree. It does suck that shitty people have made this necessary.

I post all other asks as they were submitted, with the exception of fundraisers from blogs I don't recognize. I answer at my whim and not upon demand. I will never honor requests to answer asks privately or anonymously. Anon is never turned on. These are hard self-care boundaries. Please block the tag "harassment tag" if you don't want to see to some of the horrible shit I get sent sometimes.

I will only reblog/repost/boost a given fundraiser once every 7 days. Period. Sending me more asks will not change that. If you only interact with me to ask for signal boosts, I'll just block you with no response. That is the only exception to my "post all asks" policy. I am a person, not a public resource. Don't make me feel used. It's exhausting.

If you like what I do, please consider hiring me, buying something from my company, NerdyKeppie, buying me a coffee, becoming a Patron or tossing some money in my PayPal tip jar. I am a disabled, queer, Jewish, non-binary butch, and those sources plus freelance writing are my entire income.

I will not debate my identity with anyone. I am a transmasculine non-binary butch lesbian, a cripple, a dyke, and lots of other things, too. You don't get a vote in that, and if any of those words are words you object to someone using in reference to himself, block me. I won't censor my identity for your comfort; it took a lot of hard work over decades to become proud of who I am.

ACAB includes gender/sexuality cops. You aren't the mayor of Dyketown, fuck off.

Mom is a job title to me. I'm okay with being called Mama Spider, but no other feminine terms.

No, I am not an anti or an anti-anti. Leave me alone.

No, I won't DM you.

No, I won't answer your question about Israel.

No, I won't talk to you about I/P.

Nothing above the above two things means anything other than that I don't talk about those things online.

Don't project your shit onto me. I do not consent to being your straw man.

I will not perform Good Jew or Good Queer on demand, whatever that means to you in this instant. Fuck off.

Yes, I've been out for a very long time. No, I'm not interested in being lectured by people half my age over shit that happened when you weren't alive yet.

"Man bad/woman good" is regressive TERF/right-wing shit, it doesn't matter how you dress it up. Knock it off.

Curate your own experiences. If you don't like seeing what I write, then add 'vaspider' to your "filtered content" list and don't bother me about it. Tumblr is a 17+ environment and I am not responsible for you seeing things you don't like. My daughter is now an adult. I raised my kid. I'm not raising you or any other kids.

Anyone who tries to turn you on your fellow trans people or fellow Jews is a fucking Fed. Act accordingly.

My icon has lore, apparently.

I never answer asks privately and anon is never turned on.

[daisylark]

Hey, this is kinda gonna be a rant so if you're not in the mood for that feel free to delete.

I saw your post -

https://www.tumblr.com/daisylark/741324260680794112/man-takes-a-womans-spot-in-a-womens-shelter-and?source=share

- and it hit me a certain way. Yes, I understand that this man is making it up, it's a fantasy. But I am a woman who has actually experienced living in a homeless shelter with a man, and it got to me.

I was 19 at the time, this was about six years ago. Literally the first thing he said to me when I walked in was that he still had his dick. (He phrased it as being intact and not having had bottom surgery.) I had no idea what he was talking about. at the time I was unfamiliar with trans ideology. Frantically googling to figure out what was happening was how I originally found radfems, bc they were the only people calling this shit out.

I could go on, but the thing that really gets me is that this experience was six or seven years ago, right. I'm in a better, more stable place in life, and have been seeking therapy for several years now. And the worst thing is THAT EXPERIENCE SPECIFICALLY has been a consistent impediment to getting to help.

Because even when I find a therapist, which is harder than you'd think, and do intake, which is exhausting and damaging every time, etc etc etc, so far no one can handle the specific trauma that I have from seeking shelter when I was at my most vulnerable and being gaslit and forced to cohabit with a man by the ppl who should have protected me.

And because my story is such a hot button issue, everyone kind of blue screens when they hear about it. Y'know? It's a little much to believe, in the current political climate, if you're trying to be a good progressive or whatever, that a 6ft pwecious wittle twans woman would act like that in a woman's homeless shelter. He was in his 40s btw. Ppl don't want to engage with it. They want me to be quiet. They've already decided I'm exaggerating.

The last therapist I had I started talking about this experience and the way it damaged my trust in institutions and so on, and the therapist interrupted to be confused, called him "they," and was asking about how he identified. I can be sitting right in front of someone I've known for months and the moment a man is brought up his hypothetical feelings take precedence over me.

So I understand that the reddit post is made up. But I saw it and I had to say, this shit fucking happens. It happens and it's real. The fawning over him doesn't happen quite like that, but in my experience, if a man is admitted to a woman's shelter his needs are already being prioritized and that is unlikely to change. I hate these men - the ones who go to the shelters, the ones who fantasize about it, the ones who support it. I won't forgive anyone who supports it.

Thank you for hearing me out.

Thank you so much for sharing this. I am so sorry that this happened to you. These are exactly the kind of things that we are afraid of. These are the things that people insist never happen, but they do.

These kind of things were the main things that peaked me. That a man's feelings would matter more than a woman's physical safety. It's horrifying.

[olderthannetfic]

https://www.tumblr.com/olderthannetfic/765221485179731968/writing-about-my-favorite-characters-as?source=share

I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this, anon. I'm even sadder that it's not an uncommon story.

As another trans writer (trans woman, in my case) that's stumbled into other people eviscerating her works for "fetishizing" and being "het in f/f's clothing" I really sympathize with you, dude. The way I look at it is that you cannot try alter who you are for these people. They will always find a way to dislike you because you are their ideological enemy. They dislike seeing trans men in what they see as their ship tags, not yours, so they will always find something they view as a flaw and flog you for it until you either conform or leave.

I've had a similar experience to yours, though not a literal thread dedicated to me. Ouch. I write f/f and sometimes that features non-op/pre-op trans characters because I am personally non-op after many years on E, and I'm always astounded by how it obviously upsets people that otherwise claim to be progressive. I also tag things extensively and I even include some terminology clarifications at the beginning of smut fics so that everyone knows what they're getting into. It doesn't matter to them. It'll never matter to them what you or I do, so why bother trying to coddle them?

There are readers that like my works, but after walking into a fandom Discord's NSFW fic channel, I saw how many people assume that my fics are written by a cis person or the fabled Dirty Fetishizer. It's one thing to intellectually know this happens and another to see your own work - something that you as a trans person created to talk about some part of yourself - ripped apart as this nasty tripe that no "real" trans person would write or read.

To make matters worse, I saw all that after I went through a rather nasty spate of transphobic anons when the fandom was very young. It was so tiring. I was exhausted. Seeing virulent hate in the real world and then having it thrown in my face for writing characters in a way that people disagreed with was just too much for me.

My way of dealing with this was disengaging from my own fandom, turning off anons on tumblr, and blocking anyone I even felt slightly annoyed by just in case it boiled over into something else. It sucks, but it's how I continue to have fun with writing for my ships. I basically never go into my ship tags on Tumblr now, I curate whose fics I read carefully, and I only hang out in one Discord server that's very small. I still read and comment on others' works when I have the mental bandwidth for it, but I avoid most other writers, especially those I don't know just in case they're part of that -phobe segment, and keep the most vocally unpleasant authors permanently muted for my own sake.

Frankly, it is what it is, as thought terminating as that phrase can be, and I gave up trying with these people/this fandom. You could keep trying to interact with the greater fandom, but you should block the assholes that disregarded your lived experience for your own mental health.

It's an isolating process for sure, but that's why I supplemented it with seeking out other fandom friends, most of whom are trans. Maybe we disagree with headcanons, and in a lot of cases we're polar opposites, but we all stick together because otherwise we're all thrown into isolation. That, and I always try to focus on the folks that do like what I write.

--

[sewers-headmates]

hello!! ^^ we were wondering if we could have a subsys based off of mouthwashing /nf

sure. they might be a bit short due to uhhh being a subsystem of 5 that’s like a lot. also i’m doing it because i genuinely love my source. i am not including many transIds in this maybe one or two per person. we can make a seperate thing with the transIDs but i just can’t rn for reasons. also based off of my memories

Subsystem Name: Tulpar Subsystem, Pony Express, Trapped Subsystem

Subsystem Innerworld: The Tulpar

Subsystem Tag: can mix any of these 🪐🩸🌙🔪🥩☄️🚀

Name: James, Jimmy, Jim, Captain

Age: 34

Gender: cis male

Pronouns: he/him

Sexuality: gay

Species: human, transLamb

Source: mouthwashing

Roles: subsystem host, delusion holder, psychosis holder, persecutor on occasions

cisIDs: brown hair, depressed, delusional, psychosis, harmed, abused, harmful, OCD, PTSD

transIDs: permaDepressed, permaSad, transLamb, transLambEars, transLambTail, permaPsychosis, transAngelWings

trisIDs: trisHarmed, trisAbused, tris🍇ed, trisHarmful, trisAbuser, tris🍇ist

Paraphiles: sadomasochist

Other Stuff: he is almost never really in a right state, contently believes he is the lamb of god and he is good, curly helps him figure out what’s real and fake so their normally always together

Appearance:

Name: Grant Curley, Curley, Captain

Age: 34

Gender: trans male

Pronouns: he/him

Sexuality: gay

Species: human

Source: mouthwashing

Roles: protector, caretaker specially for Jimmy, soother also specifically for jimmy but anyone

cisIDs: blonde, appearance shifter, burned, blue eyes, neurotypical, disabled, limbless

transIDs: transShapeshifter, permaBurned, transPTSD, transBeloved

Other Stuff: does his best to keep the peace though will maybe go a bit far for Jimmy (weither it’s /p or /r). he’ll always see jimmy as his childhood friend and as that kid

Appearance:

Name: Anya

Age: 30

Gender: cis female

Pronouns: she/her

Sexuality: asexual bi-lesbian

Species: human, transBunny

Source: mouthwashing

Roles: trauma holder, doctor, medical alter

cisIDs: brown hair, brown eyes, mexican, dyslexia, PTSD, age regressor, sex repulsed

transIDs: transBunny, transBunnyEars, transBunnyTail, permaScared

trisIDs: trisHarmed, tris🍇ed

Other Stuff: she tends to keep to herself though will tend to stay around Swansea becoming a pseudo daughter figure to him, tends to be regressed a lot

Appearance:

Name: Swansea

Age: 65

Gender: cis male

Pronouns: he/him

Sexuality: straight

Species: human

Source: mouthwashing

Roles: caretaker, father figure, protector

cisIDs: human, ukranian, elderly, anger issues, recovering alcoholic, PTSD, exhausted, dude is just tired a lot and grumpy

Other Stuff: tends to take a father role to the rest of the crew, also pretty good and calming jimmy down, hates the internet

Appearance:

Name: Daisuke, ダイスケ

Age: 20

Gender: nonbinary, moonboy

Pronouns: they/them, he/him, moon/moons, glow/glows, star/stars

Sexuality: bisexual

Species: human

Source: mouthwashing

Roles: mood booster, energizer, online manager

cisIDs: human, japanese, alcoholic, drug addict, social, intern, clumsy, brown hair, dyed hair, brown eyes, ADHD

transIDs: transAutistic, transFangs, transCatPupils, transCatTail

Paraphiles: masochist, autobiastophilia, aptophilia

Other Stuff: the most chronically online of the system, views swansea as a father figure and jimmy as an older brother, doesn’t take ANYTHING seriously, really chronically online ngl

Appearance:

i hope you enjoy. i miss my source a lot…this was really nice to make. i relize the first one is just me though ooops. i guess you can all get your own mod jimmy if you want that for some reason??

-mod jimmy

[stupid-and-cute-are-enough]

it WAS 1:30 am and now i've got finals in mere hours so obviously this is how i should be spending my time. behold: screaming and crying publicly over @get-rammed's montgomery gator doodles

starting off STRONG with this beauty:

THE FULL-BODY HUG???? THE SKIN ON SKIN CONTACT??? one thing you MUST know about me is that i am WEAK for when the bigger partner wraps themselves around their s/o WEAK I SAY

(also monty's nose????? it's absolutely darling and so perfect for his lil face)

KEEPING ON THEME WITH WERE-MONTY

specifically the face................ he looks so dejected...................so tired................ so sad...................baby has had a ROUGH night and i desperately want them to be better 😭😭😭 (the HAND HOLD???? THE TEAR STAINS??? AUGHH)

we already KNOW how i feel about this one after all i'm that motherfucker who was so consumed by this doodle that i asked ram if i could clean it up and otherwise go insane over it we already KNOW that this doodle has me on my fucking KNEES

again THE FULL BODY HOLD??????? THE SAD EYES???? HE HOLDS ONTO THEM LIKE THEYRE SOMETHING PRECIOUS 😭 monty is trapped in a life he pretty much hates and they've gotta be one of his only sources of comfort 😭😭😭😭 i imagine the anon has to pull wayyy more hours once monty becomes a glamrock so they're constantly exhausted but desperately wants to be there for their struggling friend and vice versa for monty (and how pissed monty must get w/the virus bc why the fuck should he feel bad for them when it's HIS life that got screwed over?)

everything i just said applies to this one too except with more melancholy bc it feels like when you have to wait for your loved one to fall asleep so you can slip away quietly (but, of course, monty is holding on, so he'll be disappointed sooner rather than later)

:(

MOVING FUCKING ON TO THIS NEXT ONE OHHHH MY GOD YOU GUYS PREPARE YOURSELF

THE SNOOT RUBS???? THE HAND ON ANON'S CHEST???? THE BLUSH????? THE WAY HE RUFFLES HOW OWN HAIR 😭😭 GIVE IT BACK!!!!!!!!!!!! GIVE IT BACK RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM GOING TO BEAT UP MR. FAZBEAR ENTERTAINMENT HIMSELF GIVE MONTY HIS HAIR BACK!!!!!!

but seriously this one is just SO cute 😭 gator golf monty were such simpler times and it DESTROYS me knowing where they go from here :( ik both of them heal together in the end but they hurt so much between those two points AUGHH THEY DONT DESERVE IT 😭😭

GOING BACK TO WERE-MONTY

THE SHIRT??? THE SKIN-ON-SKIN CONTACT???? literally what else is there to say i rest my case moving on

THE CASUAL INTIMACY????? THE SKIN ON SKIN????? THE ANONS SILLY LIL SMILE AND ALL THE LOVE BITES?? look im down bad for monty as much as everyone else here but good LORD there's something so tender about non-sexual touch (esp with minimal clothing) 😭😭 its so special to me............. they're so happy to have each other i am ILL

iconic

SCREAMING AND CRYING THEY'RE SO SILLY TOGETHER!!!! LET THEM BE SILLY AGAIN THEY DESERVE IT!!!!

look at them they're up to MISCHIEF they're up to NO GOOD <3 and freddy is RAPIDLY APPROACHING (side note SWEETS??? 😭😭 i love all of monty's nicknames but something about "sweets" makes me AUGH................. it's so cute...............)

BONUS:

MORGAN <333333 WHAT A MASSIVE W TO TRANS-MASCS EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wouldn't wanna be represented by ANYONE else

feddy <3

last but not least the comment i left (with my user and pfp blocked out bc you don't get to know me like that) on part one of project starlight that strikes fear into me to this very day. ignore my spelling mistakes i was going through it

i would've also grabbed a screenshot of the monty plush bc i feel special every time i look at one bc ram thought my comic was cool and it instantly became a core memory but this post has taken LONG ENOUGH!!! SLAP A SHIPPING LABEL ON THIS BITCH AND SEND IT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[pedros-husband]

Rows and rings

agent whiskey x male reader (SFW)

a/n: just wanted to say that i appreciate all of the reblogs and love i've received, also i am new to tumblr so I haven't quite figured out all the different things and ways to interact, so please be patient with me, thank you <3.

Summary: you had supposed to been on a date, this was the third time he didn’t show, and your pissed, rightly so, but for reasons a little deeper than face-value. Or at least the ring in your pocket says so.

prompt: 'do you ever mean the things you say?'

This fic is ftm trans inclusive (no Amab language used)

----------------------------------------------------------------

it had started out as a small argument. you had been mad because jack forgot another date you'd planned. third time this week, actually.

His excuse was that he'd been busy with a mission, not having enough time to be worrying over 'stupid things', in his own words. but you weren't mad he'd forgotten, you were long past the point of being mad over things like that, no. you were mad because he had promised you not to forget or cancel. and you were a man of your word, whiskey knew that. he also knew how much you valued honesty and not doubling back on plans once they've been made.

when you first started dating you made it clear to whiskey that if he promised something he had to stick to his word, mostly because you had trust issues from past relationships but you'd never indulged in telling jack the details-it was never necessary, he always stuck to his word.

And to a degree you understood that jack's job was demanding and took priority over lots of things, and sometimes things happened out of the blue, but this wasn't like that. You had made sure to inform ginger and Tequila that Whiskey would be off duty for this night, just a few hours, it was no big deal. at least it was supposed to be no big deal.

Even though you were pissed that he technically lied that actually surprisingly wasn't your main source of anger. you'd been planning to propose to jack for a while, knowing he's too busy to even think about doing it after 4 years of patiently waiting you'd taken the matter into your own hands. both of you knew you were made for each other. jack reminded you constantly that you were the only man for him and he’d never even look at another man or woman the way he looks at you, and you believed him. which was why it was so infuriating that his behaviour was causing this tension in your relationship over the past week.

with the gradual build up of anger after each forgotten date your anger finally boiled over tonight. he was sat in the living room spread out on the couch, 6 hours late. you burst into the room and slammed the door shut, teeth gritted and eyes narrowed.

'jack daniels, you give me one good reason not to leave your ass right this damn second.'

he looked up from his position on the couch, groaning and rolling his eyes. 'look sugar, I'm sorry i really am but can we not argue right now, it's pretty damn late and this cowboy needs his beauty sleep' his accent is thicker from exhaustion as he stands up and moves to push past you, but you hold your ground and put a hand on his shoulder.

'no way jack, you promised me. you said that this time you were going to make time for me, it was planned out!' there were tears pricking in your eyes- this week had been so stressful with the build up of anxiety over the proposal and the repeated dissapointment of him forgetting each time.

'darlin', i said, not.tonight. and besides, it's a one time thing, i haven't lied to ya before, no biggie.'

'jack, it's not a one time thing, this is the third time this week! i understand work is important but i'm your boyfriend and i deserve your attention too sometimes! i mean: do you ever mean the things you say? c'mon, we're not kids jack.'

'your being a jerk. i am a man of my words, don't you ever, even insinuate that i'm not. i am loyal to my country and to my work, i can't help that you aren't always first.' jack practically spits in your face, gruffly shoving you backwards so he can move past you, but instead of heading to the bedroom he heads to the door. in a dazed panic you yell, tears starting to roll down your cheeks, ' i was going to propose!'

silence.

'you... you what?' he turns to face you, eyebrows furrowed in confusion and disbelief, hand paused on the doorknob.

you take a deep breath, wipe your tears away and continue 'i was going to propose to you. originally on Monday, then Wednesday, then Friday, then...tonight... look jack... i know your busy and i know i may be being a little overbearing right now, iIve just been so stressed this past week and you know i haven't been getting as much sleep an-' as you talk he strides over to you, and cuts you off by pulling you into a deep kiss, hands gripping your waist tightly.

the kiss isn't slow and passionate, it rarely ever is with jack. but it isn't filled with lust like usual, it's more, tender and, apologetic. he glides his hand up your back and lets it rest on the nape of your neck. you kiss back eagerly, hands finding their way into his shortt brown hair, before one falls back down to the pocket of your jeans and you break away.

'i-i'm sorry sugar... i ain't good with apologies an all that, but i really am. i shoulda' gone on the date the first time, shoulda given you more attention. i want you and only you, but i haven't been acting like i do, so im sorry.' jack whisper averting his gaze, as he drops his hands and puts them in his pockets sheepishly.

you sigh and pull out a small box, getting down on one kneee. 'i know this isn't as romantic as the fancy date i planned, and its abit more tear-filled and chaotic, but i love you no matter how stupid you are, no matter how many dates you miss. Jack Daniels i knew from the moment i met you that you were the man for me, and i would be so happy if you would marry me. so, will you?' you look up at him with hopeful eyes, opening the little black box to reveal a small golden band.

jack smiles and pulls you up nodding his head and kissing you on the lips over and over, in between each one whispering, 'yes, yes a hundred times yes'

after he finally calms down and you put the ring on his finger, you lead him to your room and slowly change into your pj's, a comfortable silence hangs in the air, but your both smiling like idiots the whole time.

you get into bed and he immediately pulls you into his chest, holding you tight and burying his face into your hair, fiddling with the new ring on his finger.

'i love you, sugar... and i cant wait to be your husband.' he whispers into your hair, closing his eyes as he inhales the scent of your sweet smelling shampoo.

'i love you too jack, and i can't wait to be your husband too.' you mumble, eyes heavy as you slowly drift off to sleep in the comforting embrace of your fiance.

[thelightfluxtastic]

I saw your post on weight stigma and trans issues and I was so excited and then I read a lot of the reblogs...

What are your thoughts on 'skinny privilege' or 'thin privilege'? As someone who has been labelled underweight for my entire life despite being a healthy weight for my race and who has many friends who have been labelled fat, I have searched far and wide for where I have privilege and I worry I'm not looking in the right places or that I'm looking in vain...

(Not saying your post was about that at all. Just, a lot of the reblogs were so I want to make sure I understand the post)

If you want to learn more about thin privilege, a simple google search might have found you more articles, summaries and resources than a random tumblr blog. My original post didn't focus on thin privilege, but it is a real phenomenon.

Assuming this question is in good faith: like many privileges, thin privilege isn't necessarily about how nice people are to you, or things you might notice on an individual level. Privilege is often invisible, rather than overt (e.g. white people aren't likely to notice all the times they *aren't* pulled over, men might not see all the sexist comments they *aren't* getting).

Thin privilege can look like (these examples are not exhaustive):

-Seeing your body type in media, and not just as a joke -Being able to find clothes in your size in most stores -Being able to fit most standard seats (e.g. in waiting rooms or on airplanes) -Having medical equipment suited to your size and weight -Not being stereotyped as dirty or lazy -Having medical concerns being taken seriously by doctors, rather than blamed on weight -Generally better medical care from doctors (here's a NIH article on the subject, just as a start, and one from the APA.) -For trans people, not having to face BMI based limitations on gender-affirming care -Being more likely to be hired, or treated better at work (one source of many)

This list is not exhaustive. I am sure you would be able to find more resources on weight stigma, fatphobia, and thin privilege. I hope this helps as a start.

[quicktimeeventfull]

i think a lot of people have this idea that being visibly trans is an active choice i’m making and that it’s how i want to be seen. and people are often really positive and excited about it — like i go to coffee shops or queer events and it’s really obvious that people are happy to see me. but it’s not actually what i want. i just can’t pass. that’s not an option for me. i’m no longer actively suicidal about the matter but it still isn’t something that brings me joy. it’s exhausting. it’s dysphoria inducing. i feel closer to a lot of people i’ve met online than people i’ve met afk because they didn’t see my body first. i’m happy for people who get gender euphoria but i’m not one of them — i have never experienced even the slightest amount of joy from looking ‘right.’ i have only ever experienced relief from forgetting how profoundly misaligned and disturbing my own body feels to me & every time i meet someone new i am reminded that everyone else can see this information about me that i do not want to share. i do want to look queer but i don’t want to look trans because that is not an identity to which i feel connected. it has never been anything but an intensely painful experience to me. i am not in the slightest bit ashamed of being trans but i would prefer not to be, not because of internalized transphobia but because the actual physical experience upsets me.

i think this is often hard for cis gay people in particular to understand because they see being gay and being trans as parallel experiences and in many ways they are, but they are also fundamentally different in that being gay in and of itself is not painful. being gay is inherently about finding people you love and care for and want to sleep with -- it is a source of connection and joy. i love being gay. being trans is not like this. it is at heart a misalignment with one's body and with the way one is seen. there is something wrong, not in the sense that trans people are broken or flawed but in the sense that there is a problem which can be alleviated through some mix of social and medical transition.

and like i know people find this very upsetting because everyone loves this narrative of trans people who are queer and proud and comfortable in their bodies. and people love trans people who look trans. i do too! it also brings me joy when i see trans people who are celebrating their bodies and who want to look trans. some of these people are happy with their bodies after some amount of transition, and some of them are happy without any transition at all -- either way it's wonderful and those people deserve to be uplifted. i am just not one of them. loads of people are not like this. wanting to look like the gender you personally align with is a completely normal part of many people's trans experience and in fact it's one of the reasons that denying trans people medical care is so horrifying. it is not internalized transphobia and tbh it's not even a desire to look cis -- it's just a desire to exist in a way that is comfortable to you.

idk. i love the celebration of transness that is increasingly part of pride month and i absolutely think it should continue, i just think trans people who do not find their bodies to be a a source of joy should also be represented and celebrated even though we are less fun to talk about.

[jurassicteeth]

I wanted to draw a really cool thing, but this was all I could manage with how exhausted I am. Instead, I shall write something.

Dear Homestuck, thank you.

Thanks for being there for me when I was alone, thanks for making me laugh and cry, thanks for being something that my friends and I cherished, and thanks for helping me be more comfortable with who I am.

I can proudly say that John Egbert is the reason I realized I was trans, he was the breaking point that caused me to really think about the fact that I am a dude.

Another thing is, i remember this memory fondly- but my friend who passed away, Corvid, and I one year- 2 days before xmas eve- stayed up late watching all the homestuck broadway music shit, and the homestuck xmas carols, and drew eachother as trolls and as the beta kids. That memory was so… awesome. And I remember us singing badly along to the songs, it was just a great night. We bonded heavily over homestuck, I even got him into it if I remember clearly. We loved that shit, and made so much art and would cosplay at the park yelling and screaming about imps- pretending we were John and Tavros. We would draw comics of our characters interacting, we would put eachother’s art up on our walls.

Homestuck, at least what I grew up with/the original web comic, is so important to me. Its a source of identity, inspiration, and reminds me of being a kid again. Which, every day I wish I could go back to be with Corvid. Go back to being kids. Go back to all the fantasy before we got traumatized. Before we parted ways for the final time- not knowing we’d never see each other again.

ALSO FOR MY 13TH BDAY PARTY IT WAS HOMESTUCK THEMED, ALL MY FRIENDS AT THE TIME DRESSED AS EVERY CHARACTER. I WAS JOHN. MY DAD WAS DRESSED AS DAD. HE MUSHED CAKE IN MY FACE. THAT IS A CORE MEMORY AND ITS SO SWEET AND!! I MISS BEING A KID SOMETIMES.

Happy 4/13.

I hope its been a good one for every homestuck fan out there!

[transenbyconfessions]

I just wanna get this off my chest… i feel so lonely and disconnected from other non-binary people (and trans folks in general tbh) recently, but not for the reasons you might expect?

bcuz for me being non-binary is freeing. it means being comfortable with who i am and not needing to prove it to people, it means dressing and acting like i want without worrying, and embracing the parts of our endless shared cultural history that feel “right” to me.

and don’t get me wrong; im not rly a super happy person. i’ve spent over a decade struggling with depression and its been really rough at times. but being non-binary has never caused that? instead its been a refuge, a reminder that I know who i am and am comfortable with that and can continue to discover new, happy things about myself.

but the thing that’s frustrating and makes me feel lonely, is that no matter where i go I can’t seem to find a non-binary space where people feel the way I do. its just endless person after person struggling with dysphoria, people who worry they aren’t non-binary enough bcuz of the way they look, people who are filled with dread and anxiety because the world is this hostile angry place to them.

when i see that part of me wants to help them, to grab them by the shoulders and shake them and cry and scream that it doesn’t have to be like that, that they have it all wrong and that this is a happy thing and that it can help them feel safe and peaceful and make their world a better place! they don’t have to feel validated or invalidated by other people, the rest of the world doesn’t have to acknowledge them because they are who they are, and the very nature of existence protects that.

but the rest of me is just tired bcuz i’ve tried. i’ve tried to be a source of positivity and happiness - but most of the time my words don’t reach people and they just get upset.

they probably feel im invalidating them and their feelings, and that means i probably am, and that just makes me feel worse.

and even when someone does hear me, it never feels like they really believe me or get it. it just feels like im performing mental health triage on an endless tide of broken hearts and empty spirits. and its exhausting.

that’s what makes it so lonely. i feel like im trapped in all this bitterness and despair and just want to find a place with people who feel the same way i do. other people who find being non-binary a joyful, comforting thing, who love to play with gender in their fashion and have fun with their voices, who revel in the fundamental humanity of what we are and have seen the light and joy the future can hold, even if its sometimes hidden behind clouds! people who hear me say things and go “omgg same tho!!!” and then share their own stories, and I can see myself in their stories too and feel that special spark you get when someone else understands a thing that is very deeply important and connected to who I am!

only i can’t seem to find any place like that. and i have precious, wonderful friends who listen to me and can empathize, but they don’t quite get it. either they aren’t non-binary or their experience with their gender is different enough from mine that a gap is left that i can never quite cross.

so that joyful special part of me that i want to share just kinda. sits there. and tries to keep being positive and happy despite the fact that they feel like they’re unwanted and useless and incomprehensible to binary and non-binary genders both.

it sounds really sad when I put it like that, huh?

Submitted March 20, 2023

[sophieinwonderland]

honestly my transage experience is super similar to my transgender experience. i get dysphoria for both, and they feel similar. both make me feel wrong and stuck in the same way, just relating to different things. i'm also transabled, and i get dysphoria about that too! for example i'm transnarcolepsy and i feel gross and icky sometimes that i'm not sleepy. like, i should be exhausted rn, why am i wide awake? i know we're two separate communities but there r lots of similarities that shouldnt be ignored

I actually think I can relate a lot of this as female headmate in an AMAB body.

I've felt dysphoria while fronting not just at the differences in gender, but also things like height, weight and hair color. And even when not fronting, I felt like I should have been more intelligent because my source was and I remembered knowing more.

For me, my gender dysphoria was never something unique. It all felt wrong. And it all felt equally wrong. Gender has only been one small part of that.

I don't consider myself transgender nor do I identify with trans IDs. But I can relate to these feelings.

[thirteens-pocket-watch]

Being trans means you are expected to be able to debate your own existence and rights at a moments notice. I've lost track of how many times my own parents have tried to debate trans issues with me seconds after I step through the door. And when you are unable to formulate clear arguments, make small oversights and cannot cite your sources in an argument you weren't prepared to have, you are seen as being incorrect and a bad trans person somehow.

Our identities demand us to be politically knowledgable when we are simply trying to live our lives. It becomes exhausting. I am not trying to be a political person but my very identity signals to other people that I am.

I am not an expert on trans people or identities to debate with, I'm just a trans kid trying to get by

[aimlesswalker]

Being transgender/transsexual during the 2020s moodboard 💔

{Image Descriptions:

These are all screenshots of text (except for the ninth which includes a little cat).

The first reads “Even to those I don't know, I'm already deemed a villain.“ It is lyrics from the song Villain by Teniwoha featuring v flower.

The second is an image description of a comic. It reads “the first panel shows the silhouette of a person's torso with their hands in front of them joined at the fingertips. the person is coloured purple, with orange flames over their torso. this panel is captioned "they talk about trans people like we have some organised plan of action, and i wonder if they know"/the second panel is captioned "we're mostly just trying to live". it shows a person serving themself coffee.every other panel is captioned "trying to live" and shows different sceneries of everyday life“. The comic is posted with said image description here.

The third reads “I just want to be some guy”. The source is a post I made here.

The fourth reads “But more importantly, we just want to be able to live and not be afraid.” This is part of a thread of twitter posts that was posted to tumblr.

The fifth reads “Discouragement from public life is an effect of discrimination that is hidden because it is not open bigotry.” This is a screenshot from twitter that has been posted to tumblr.

The sixth reads “being trans should have been an anthropological curiosity, not a political movement, it should have been a quirk of humanity, not a fight for survival.” The source is a tumblr post here by user fipindustries.

The seventh reads “I want to be gentle, I want to die gently, but It seems that when life gets hard I have to get harder to match.” The source is from a tumblr post here by user nutnoce. 

The eighth reads “Running into a burning building to save a puppy is brave because you choose to do that,” Shelly adds. “I love being trans and I love trans people, but I don’t choose to battle any of the obstacles in my life, I just have to. And actually, I’d really rather fucking not.“ It’s from a satire article that was posted to tumblr.

The ninth reads “I am tired of being resilient. I am tired.” This is the image with a little doodle of an orange cat. The source is from a tumblr post here by user lousydrawingsforgoodpeople.

The tenth reads “I dream of never being called resilient again in my life. I’m exhausted by strength. I want support. I want softness. I want ease. I want to be amongst kin. Not patted on the back for how well I take a hit. Or for how many.” This is a screenshot from twitter that’s been posted to tumblr.}

[vonkarma2]

why I don't like pokemon rocketshipping

james pokemon is gay whereas jessie pokemon is bisexual to this day i think shipping them sucks. it's like this ↓

this post was meant to be the above minus the title and nothing else but then I went insane. so now i will articulate my feelings, which i have had in mind since i got really into team rocket for a few months in 2020 because of lockdown induced susceptibility.

i can also see straight or lesbian for jessie and james can be bisexual so long as you acknowledge they are both theater people. which ordinarily i dislike as a hc because i dislike theater people usually but in this case it is objective fact. this brief clip here will help demonstrate my vision

for example in sun and moon anime they crashed a group of children's school play because jessie was jealous of not being in the spot light. which brings me to my next point that due to being a cartoon for young children this material is obviously very silly, to the point where mapping any of it onto anything based in reality or taking it remotely seriously is very ridiculous. which is why i am moving into just make an oc territory at this point. but I think the huge part of the charm is that these characters are preexisting, and came into the world naturally, because some childrens cartoon execs thought it would be funny for one of the recurring villains to be kind of gay. the crossdressing, the moltres outfit.. we lost so much when they turned the homophobia down over time 😔. that's a joke.

(and don't get me wrong, it is kind of homophobic, given these are the villains and the characters you're supposed to laugh at and think are ridiculous, including because of the gay shit. i don't want to not take it seriously at all like even vague homophobia (and transphobia of course) in a kids' cartoon is insane. but they aren't evil per se and are more silly and sympathetic than anything, and iirc correctly they don't draw attention to the cross dressing? it just kinda happens rather than like ash and misty are like ewww a guy in a dress or whatever. but I could be wrong about this. there's also a discussion to be had about japanese vs american attitudes to this kind of thing especially in the 90s but we are getting off track enough as it is. did you know meowth was originally voiced by a trans woman isn't that cool :))

anyone can make a flamboyant guy and girl pair of ocs, and many have, but there isn't the same sense of unexpectedness or sincerity that makes the pleasantly surprisingly plausible gay jokes as fun to make. there is external, light hearted validation for this kind of hc in pop culture because of pokeani, and these specific characters' popularity.

similarly, i also think the ridiculousness of the source material makes adding even a little more grounding in reality very charming. highlighted in yellow is some evidence for this point. (the orange is highlighted because it's relevant to my next point and the blue is highlighted because it's hilarious).

in my opinion, the yellow text here is pretty funny, notably with regards to how it considers age as a legitimate factor. as a cartoon character in a long running show, james emphatically cannot age, and yet this writing proposes that he does, and attributes changing writing decisions to this process. the author paints a somewhat stereotypical image of someone exhausted by a dead end job. that person being a saturday morning cartoon villain. it's cute. i think this kind of portrayal whether in fan art, fan fics, or just posts like this, that treats an exaggerated fictional world with not serious emotional gravitas but mere realism, is very charming. especially when you consider he's also being portrayed as a gay man specifically, and yet still meant to be sympathized with by a presumably heterosexual audience. i know it's stereotypical, but i think the inclusion of those details makes the ties to reality more endearing through being more culturally specific and sympathetic to an outgroup.

like the writers of pokeani, the author of this 2006-looking neocities page was likely not gay themself, which makes it interesting they were such a fervent james is gay truther, dedicated enough to the point where they probably see it as a positive more interesting than ignoring the subtext. definitely not saying they went about it in the best way (this excerpt is pretty harmless , but some other parts of their page haven't aged as well, and it's clear they aren't actively trying to be progressive), but it's an interesting perspective thinking about internet culture at that time. predating broader movements of both progressivism and homophobia, and the formation of internet-based subcultures we know today. that was mostly a tangent but i included the link to my source yayyy <3

so now we have seen that adding reality, including specific cultural details that one can relate to or appreciate in some way, is fun, and i think it can be pretty charming as well. and in this case i think we have the potential to compare the characters to dynamics underrepresented in popular media. ok stay with me on this part. remember how the orange said jessie is a huge bitch.

here i am disrespecting this completely serious and kind of beautiful substack essay by comparing it to pokemon characters. but we can clearly see this exact kind of relationship depicted between the jessie and james in their lifelong, codependent friendship. (we can also compare these figures' status as outsiders to jessie and james being career criminals in universe and perenially misfortunate saturday morning cartoon villains on a meta level).

i am not saying this because i take team rocket seriously as characters in the fandom angst sense, or the sense that the show has good writing. i mean it in the sense that it's fun when there is something in pop culture that you have the ability to claim as part of your/a subculture, even if that wasn't the intention. an unintentional reflection of reality in something that was meant to be purely mainstream, and is clearly a joke, but you can joke about it as someone who is genuinely familiar with that kind of relationship in reality, or at least more respectful of it than before. unlike the essay, but much like the chris fleming clip above.

i really want to draw attention to the gender roles here as well. as stated in the essay, this is what the gay guy/hag (sorry. i feel kinda bad saying it myself on here lol) relationship can be predicated on.

many people have pointed out that in couples' disguises, james dresses as a girl and jessie dresses as a man, with james tending to cross dress significantly more often. this, as well as jessie's bullying personality vs james' relatively much more laid back nature. but I think it's interesting how it's taken for granted and not drawn attention to; or rather, not an incidental situation, but rather part of the fundamental nature of their characters. low key kind of feminist. I think it's also important to note that jessie and james are close friends, so he is clearly drawn to her in some way, but james hates her kind of personality in the context of romantic relationships, evidenced both here in this joking scenario, and in the episode where he has to escape an arranged marriage to a girl who looks and acts exactly like jessie, except she is in love with him. we can see the jessebelle episode as emblematic of the rejection of the heterosexual life paths and the pursuit of an existence outside the mainstream [i get shot in the head by a sniper]

i included this picture of mac and dennis move to the suburbs because i think the sitcom structures make them similar. they can't leave because of the concept of the show. metanarratively doomed to be together. an eternal relationship between people who make each other miserable but can never bear to leave, and can also both be compared to and is fundamentally incompatible with a stable, married, heterosexual relationship. one who is aggressive and one who is usually powerless. and is this all portrayed in the show? absolutely not LOL. but we are talking about fan culture here overall, which for better and worse (much worse) is oftentimes about seeing the potential in a source material and iterating on it in some way. it's there for those with eyes to see. i think the codependent friends + gay/hag relationship both has more canon evidence, is truer to the heart and soul of the source material (as seen through its endless cyclical structure), and is more unique and interesting.

This quote is here because jessie is definitely NOT "fully-actualized" as this describes. as stated earlier she is frequently insecure and childish, especially with regards to femininity. (perhaps we can trace this back to her backstory of an unstable childhood with her mom dying and her almost straight up starving to death as a result.) she wants to find love and be percieved as beautiful, but due to her mean and evil personality she can't, and is stuck being an outsider with this cat and this gay man. there is an obvious insecurity at the heart of these characters, and within the show's narrative they are cursed to remain as they are. if we as fans are trying to take this a step further and create some kind of tension or arc, we can say it's because of their mutual failure to self actualize (especially factoring in the gender/lgbt stuff) that they are drawn together.

i don't think people shipping these two is like, remotely a serious societal issue. it's literally fine. i don't care that much these are differing interpretations of a mediocre anime meant to sell toys cards and video games. but i dislike it personally because i feel like in both practice and inherently, it means ignoring a lot of what makes the relationship itself unique, fun to interpret, and grounded in some nonserious form of reality. people are always like wow.. 2 gnc bisexuals that commit crimes together and also kiss.. but i think that's at best a way of resolving or explaining an underlying tension that's better left existent and at worst based on purely surface level observations. big city greens didn't even let them have meowth they are nothing without meowth

overall thesis if you're a fan reinrerpreting kids show characters for fun do it in style

disclaimers:

i'm not a cis gay man or transfem and so i dont have that perspective

joke portrayals of super flamboyant feminine and cross dressing gay men can contribute a lot to transmisogyny as well as homophobia, and the two are often conflated, especially in older media

i can see why someone would dislike this kind of character and view the portrayal as more mean spirited than i did, like even though the character of james himself is meant to be likeable you can see this aspect itself as demeaning

you know that thing where it's like the tme nb or trans masc is like omg theyre so gender but it's just transmisogyny. I obviously don't want to repeat that myself. there is some gray area of course and generally I think this specific example has room for interpretation, but I'm not the expert on this topic over all

I also haven't seen the whole show. there's like 600 episodes plus movies and it's not even good

there are like 40 separate essays you could write about that in general (gay coded villains in childrens' media and overlap of homophobia/transmisogyny therein in both the media itself and audiences' reactions). and i'm not doing that. but just know i'm aware it's a nuanced topic at least