#source Mitch Hedberg

[fangirlingismysport]

Nik: I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just gonna ask them where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

[smallbrainedaaquotes]

Ema: "I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."

[incorrectlooneytunesquotes]

I have a king sized bed, I don't know any kings, but if I ever meet one I can tell him 'You will not believe what I have in store for you!' 'This is made to your exact specifications!' When I was little I used to lay in my twin sized bed at night wondering where my brother was.

Bugs Bunny 

[mediamonarchy]

https://mediamonarchy.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/10/20241010_MorningMonarchy.mp3 Download MP3 Odd reactions, Whitney’s mom and allegorical comments + this day in history w/radiation-blocking boxers and our song of the day by Chris Webby on your #MorningMonarchy for October 10, 2024. Notes/Links: Shocktober Surprise IV https://mediamonarchy.com/calendar/shocktober-surprise-iv/ Fauci feared he would never ���return to normal’ after contracting West Nile virus https://archive.is/uWkvT YOU DESERVE THE WARDEN MCCLUSKY TREATMENT AT THE END OF NATURAL BORN KILLERS https://search.brave.com/search?q=WARDEN+TREATMENT+AT+THE+END+OF+NATURAL+BORN+KILLERS&source=desktop&summary=1&summary_og=9cac6053e98e1ea4d63af3 Deadly Deer Disease Identified in 11 Michigan Counties https://archive.is/wDHvo Multiple people report odd symptoms from mosquito bites in Oklahoma https://www.kxan.com/news/national-news/multiple-people-report-odd-symptoms-from-mosquito-bites-in-oklahoma/ Video: More reports of odd reactions to mosquito bites (Audio) https://youtu.be/IyqgyVnFcRw ‘Ground Zero With Clyde Lewis’ Montage Made By Media Monarchy – “Recessive Genesis” (Jun. 5, 2013 // Audio) Despite attempts to hide it, Israeli forces clearly killed their own on 7 October https://www.thecanary.co/global/world-analysis/2024/10/07/israel-hannibal-directive/ Sammy Basso, progeria advocate, has died at 28; ‘It will be impossible to describe Sammy in full, since his mind was so complex,’ one collaborator recalls https://www.statnews.com/2024/10/06/sammy-basso-obituary-progeria-activism/ Sammy Basso, longest living survivor of rare rapid-aging disease progeria, dies at 28 https://www.ctvnews.ca/health/sammy-basso-longest-living-survivor-of-rare-rapid-aging-disease-progeria-dies-at-28-1.7064932 Cissy Houston death: Grammy winner and mother of Whitney Houston dies at 91 https://www.msn.com/en-us/music/news/cissy-houston-death-grammy-winner-and-mother-of-whitney-houston-dies-at-91/ar-AA1rQwSr Video: Cissy Houston, mother of Whitney Houston, dies at 91 (Audio) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ko-zQCWCZ3Q ‘Ground Zero With Clyde Lewis’ Montage Made By Media Monarchy – “Devilock Climate Tusk” (Feb. 17, 2014 // Audio) #ShocktoberSurprise/Sci-Fi Animated Week: Thursday – Wizards // Starship Troopers: Invasion https://mediamonarchy.com/calendar/wizards-troopers-invasion/ #ShocktoberSurprise/Video: Wizards – The Warning Of Humanity’s Downfall (Audio) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wcuVipXki8s #ShocktoberSurprise: ‘Wizards’ 1977 film https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wizards_(film) #ShocktoberSurprise/Video: ‘Wizards’ Trailer 1977 (Audio) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcnQ7Dlk_Ks ‘Ground Zero With Clyde Lewis’ Montage Made By Media Monarchy – “Suicide Tsunami REDUX” (Nov. 6, 2013 // Audio) #ThisDayInHistory/#MorningMonarchy: October 10, 2016 – New October Wikileaks Publications Wreck Hillary Clinton’s Campaign (Audio) https://mediamonarchy.com/20161010morningmonarchy/ #PumpUpThaVolume: October 10, 2016 ♬ BDAY GIRL Tanya Tucker & Daughn Gibson https://mediamonarchy.com/20161010pumpupthavolume/ #GoodNewsNextWeek: Towns Weed Out Pot From Cops Priorities + Body Cams & Kratom Delay https://mediamonarchy.com/gnnw036-video/ // https://mediamonarchy.com/gnnw036-audio/ #ThisDayInHistory/#MorningMonarchy: October 10, 2017 – Spartan’s radiation-blocking boxers (Audio) https://mediamonarchy.com/20171010morningmonarchy/ #PumpUpThaVolume: October 10, 2017 ♬ BDAY BOY David Lee Roth & Mitch Hedberg https://mediamonarchy.com/20171010pumpupthavolume/ #ThisDayInHistory/#MorningMonarchy: October 10, 2018 – Six Children In #Minnesota Confirmed To Have A Rare #Polio-Like Illness (Audio) https://mediamonarchy.com/20181010morningmonarchy/ #PumpUpThaVolume: October 10, 2018 ♬ Van Halen & Mt. Joy https://mediamonarchy.com/20181010pumpupthavolume/ #ThisDayInHistory/#MorningMonarchy: October 10, 2022 – Joe Biden’s “My Mind’s Gone Blank” (Audio) https://mediamonarchy.com/20221010morningmonarchy/ #PumpUpThaVolume: October 10, 20...

[thingsoverheardatua]

Kaminari: I was at the gym minding my own business and Iida came up to me and said ‘You are going to have to move. You are blocking a fire exit’. As if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

[incorrect-blind-channel]

Joel: I'm kinda sick of following my dreams, man.

Niko: Oh? How do you mean?

Joel: I don't know.

Joel: I think I'm just gonna ask where they're going, then hook up with 'em later.

[campcarmenstuck]

El topo: I was going to stay over night at my friend tigress house, she said your going to have to sleep on the floor. Dame gravity got me again you don't know how bad I want to sleep on the wall.

[kritzkrieg-kiss]

Demo: I'm so tired of soup of the day! It's time we made a decision!

Demo: I wanna know what the bloody heck soup from now on is!

[incorrectcodegeassquotes]

Tamaki: I saw a commercial on TV that said "Forget everything you know about slip covers," so I did. And it was a load off my mind.

[incorrectsubnauticaquotes]

Bart: I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member. I don’t know how I get away with it

[enkisstories]

Elijah Kamski: My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

[btsdadd-blog]

jimin: hey you know what time it is?

namjoon, contemplatively: you ever really think dude, about paper towels

jimin: no

jimin: what time is it

namjoon, shaking his head and walking away: i don't believe in time dude

[incorrectlooneytunesquotes]

I wanna hang a map of the woild in my hole. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've burrowed to. But foist, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

Bugs Bunny

[untrue-furi-dialogue]

"I went to the food dispenser, and I ordered a slice of pizza. The machine gave me the smallest slice possible. Like, yes the food given to us here is pretty sucky usually, but if that pizza slice was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, this machine gave me the 'Donate It To Charity' slice, and I really would've preferred to have exchanged it for 'Keep It!'"

-The Voice

[incorrectdeltoraquotes]

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

Lief 

[ultrafacts]

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence, phrase, or larger discourse is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but they also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a form of syllepsis.

Examples:

"There but for the grace of God—goes God." —Winston Churchill 

"If I could just say a few words… I'd be a better public speaker." —Homer Simpson

"If I am reading this graph correctly—I'd be very surprised." —Stephen Colbert

"On his feet he wore…blisters." —Aristotle

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." —Groucho Marx

"A modest man, who has much to be modest about." —supposedly Winston Churchill, about Clement Attlee

"I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don't know I'm using blanks." —Emo Philips

"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long." —Mitch Hedberg

"I sleep eight hours a day and at least ten at night." —Bill Hicks

"I don't belong to an organized political party. I'm a Democrat." —Will Rogers

"On the other hand, you have different fingers." —Steven Wright

"He was at his best when the going was good." —Alistair Cooke on the Duke of Windsor

"To our wives and our sweethearts — may they never meet." — Traditional Royal Navy toast

Source: [x]

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