#sos. universally known as a cry for help. same old shit. about how he cant escape his old bad habits. crying for help from his same old shit

[thatone-highlighter]

N.M.E. By Set It Off and S.O.S. By Chaz Cardigan are brothers. To me

[uwuwriting]

Kenma, Kuroo and Nishinoya finding a pregnancy test

Request: mmmkay, so quarantines got me watching an unhealthy amount of anime, so could i please request kuroo, kenma, and nishinoya finding their fem SO pregnancy tests hidden in their shared bathroom? Thank you! love your writing i cant get enough!❤️❤️❤️ - anonymous

Another pregnancy request? YES PLEASE I LIVE FOR THESE. THEY WATER MY CROPS AND CLEAR MY SKIN. It don’t matter for which fandom it is, a pregnancy and/or domestic request is always a good one. If i get carried away it’s not my fault I can’t help it. Love yaa.💖💖💖

rules

warnings: fluff mainly, maybe some sprinkle of angst on Kenma’s but nothing major

Kozume Kenma 

-You two have been living together for 3 years now.

-Being in a happy relationship since your third year of high school and then going to the same university, your lives were bound to one another. 

-You weren’t married and it didn’t really bother you.

-Your friends would jokingly call you Mrs. Kozume and Kenma never denied it, he would usually just wrap an arm around your waist and bring you closer to him. 

-So when you discussed kids it was a shocker. 

- “I know we are not married and all, if you want to do that first that’s fine I have no problem with that it’s just that....have you seen how Hinata is with his little girl?” 

-You had seen how happy Hinata was with his daughter.

-She was a few months old but he was so deeply in love with her.

-And you had seen how Kenma looked at them interact.

- “Okay let’s try, but no vlogging our journey or some shit!”

-You hadn’t seen him agree to something so fast in your life. 

-That was about a year and a half ago. 

-It has been a hectic ride and a disheartening one at that.

-You had a miscarriage earlier last year and after that you hadn’t managed to conceive again. 

-At first you panicked, believing that after that misfortune something broke inside of you and you wouldn’t be able to have a child after all. 

-But Kenma, being the calm one in your relationship, took you to a doctor who said that your body was just in shock and you would be able to carry a child. 

- “Just give your body some time to rest.”

-It has been five months since that and now you are standing in the middle of your bathroom staring at the pregnancy test in your hands. 

-Positive. 

-You wanted to squeal and cry at the same time, maybe laugh a little. 

-Kenma was setting up his computer to start a stream.

-One that he and 99.9% of his fans had requested to see you in.

-You had been in Kenma’s videos multiple times both on stream and on YouTube. 

-Placing the pregnancy test in the cabinet near the sink you walked out and went to Kenma. 

-You would tell him after this, give yourself time to control your excitement. 

-The stream was going well, you were answering questions *some of them had been asked before but you answered none the less* and giggling along side Kenma as he started telling the story of your failed date at the zoo. 

-A monkey had tried to take the flower that he had given you and it bit you in its attempts to take it.

-At some point Kenma got up and went to the bathroom and you were left alone with the fans showing them some of your favorite pictures. 

-While you were enjoying the stream Kenma was having a heart attack.

-He had opened the cabinet to get some tissues you stored there and came face to face with the pregnancy test. 

-The positive pregnancy test.

-You were pregnant? AND DIDN’T TELL HIM? 

-What if it ended like the last pregnancy?

-Oh god he wouldn’t be able to pull out of there this time. 

-Your laughter rang through the apartment and reached his ears, breaking his train of thought and bringing him back to reality. 

-Walking slowly towards the room his saw you with your back turned towards the door talking to the camera at his fans. 

-Right he was on a stream.

-It didn’t matter.

- “Y/N...this is real right?”

-Turning around you saw him in the doorway, head hanging low looking at the stick in his hands his hair framing his features completely. 

- “Kenmaaaa I wanted it to be a surprise!!!”

-The chat was on fire as Kenma closed the distance between you hugging you tightly before he placed you in his lap and announced that you would be welcoming another Kozume in the world. 

- “And no I won’t be vlogging anything!!!”

Kuroo Tetsuro

-He married you right after he finished university. 

-You had known each other since your first year of high school but began dating during freshman year in university. 

-Kuroo now an esteemed doctor loved calling you by his last name, it felt unreal.

-It didn’t long for him to start imagining an even more domesticated life with you. 

-You worked at the same hospital as a nurse and you usually could be found in the kids ward. 

-You were always great with kids, making the laugh and helping them stop crying. 

-What did it for him was when you were helping at the new born section and you were cooing at a baby, looking so soft and happy holding the small human that he wanted to have a baby right then and there. 

-He saw you again there helping a mother feed her baby and it felt just right.

-On the ride home he popped the question. 

- “I saw you having fun in the new born isle today.” 

- “Those babies are just too cute, Tetsu!!”

- “Yeah, seeing you got me thinking what our kids would look like.”

-He was trying to play it cool, but you saw right through him.

- “Real smooth Tetsu.”

-Little did he know though that you had already taken three pregnancy test this morning all coming out positive. 

-You had left them on the bathroom counter because you were already late. 

- ‘I need to hide them, make it a surprise.’

-The drive to your shared apartment was full of laughs and Kuroo’s poor sense of humor. 

-It was dad jokes. 

-He was practicing his dad jokes. 

-Surprisingly he didn’t pressure you on the matter of kids.

- “We’ll talk about it later.”

-He had a small pout on his lips but he soon changed the subject. 

-Arriving home you went to place the groceries but you didn’t balance them right and the milk carton fell on Kuroo. 

-There was milk everywhere.

-On the floor, on Kuroo, some of it was on you, on the counter.

- “Way to go kitten....”

-He made his way to the bathroom to throw his clothes into the washer and wash his hands.

-Then he noticed the three sticks on the counter.

-Curiousity killed the cat. 

-And Kuroo is cat.

-He has been a cat since high school. 

-Looking at the sticks it took him some time to realize what they were. 

-His eyes widened at the realization.

-Why didn’t you tell him???

-He was panicking ever so slightly, his breathing becoming erratic.

-Well he wanted to start a family with you didn’t he?

-After a few minutes of breathing exercises he still couldn’t decide if he should start jumping up and down from his giddiness or panic some more.  

-You on the other hand had juts finished putting the things away and mopping the milk off the floor. 

- “What is he doing in there?”

-You know how I said that you wanted your pregnancy to be a surprise?

-And how you wanted to hide the tests before he found them?

-Yeah you forgot and because you were dumb it took you some time to put two and two together.

-Sprinting to the bathroom you flung the door open coming face to face with a wide eyes Kuroo holding the test in his hands. 

- “Surprise?”

-He looked at you, opening his mouth and then closing it not being able to find the right words. 

-Then he was hugging you.

-He was lifting you off the ground and laughing/sobbing in your ear. 

- “Thank you thank you thank you thank you.”

-Now you were sobbing too. 

-The rest of the night was spent with you on the couch surrounded by blankets and snacks, while Kuroo did everything. 

-He made dinner, he helped you undress and put on your PJs, all in all he wouldn’t let you lift a finger. 

-He’s just so damn happy he can barely contain it. 

-Next day at the hospital he was bragging to everyone and their mothers about your pregnancy. 

Nishinoya Yuu

-Em he’s baby?

-Like literally.

-Living with him is like living with a five year old.

-And god forbid Tanaka comes to visit. 

-Now you’re babysitting two five year olds. 

-Anyways. 

-Noya our sweet sweet libero here, wanted to marry you since high school.

-He even proposed while you two were in your third year. 

-They had just won a very difficult game and he was on cloud 9.

-You had gone down to congradulate them on their win and give a few victory smooches to your boyfriend when you were tackled to the floor by a very sweaty Noya. 

- “Y/N BABY DID YOU SEE ME????”

- “Yes I did, babe.”

- “I’M SO HAPPY I COULD MARRY YOU RIGHT NOW!”

-Awkward silence. 

-He didn’t even look sorry after he said it.

-It didn’t sound like it slipped either.

- “What I am going to marry you so why don’t we do it now?”

-Fast forward five years and he truly kept his promise.

-You two share a nice apartment and are living a happy life. 

-Not a peaceful one. 

-Peace is not an option with Noya. 

-Come on...

-You two hadn’t really talked about children but you knew he was great with kids. 

-You saw how he got whenever your nephew and niece came to visit. 

-He would be so playful with them but simultaneously protective and careful which was surprising because well he was Nishinoya. 

-So when you started feeling sick one morning your first thought was to take a pregnancy test. 

-You see Noya em likes to feel free....if you know you know. 

-When the test came out positive you were both excited and nervous. 

-What if he didn’t want kids? 

-What if he left?

-Noya would never leave you and he would insist you went through every difficult situation together as team but you weren’t in the best state of mind at the moment. 

-You were drawn out of your thoughts when his voice rang through the apartment.

- “Babe, Tanaka is here could you get the door?”

-Leaving everything as it was in the bathroom you went to open the door. 

-your brain was running on autopilot.

-You had no brain cells to spare at the moment okay??

- “Heyyyyy Y/N how are you?????”

-And so the game night the two of them had planned began. 

-You were making dinner waiting for Tanaka’s girlfriend to arrive so you can talk about your little revelation. 

-And yes Tanaka has a girlfriend who is indeed Kiyoko. 

-As you were cutting some vegetables, Tanaka stood up and went to the bathroom and at the same moment the door bell rang. 

-Not even two seconds passed before you heard screeching form the bathroom. 

-You had opened the door and were greeting Kiyoko when you remembered the state you left the bathroom in. 

- “YUU HOLY SHIT WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME YOU BASTARD?”

- “TELL YOU WHAT YOU IDIOT?”

- “THAT YOU’RE A DAD WHAT ELSE?”

-Le silence. 

-Kiyoko was looking from your stomach to the pregnancy test Tanaka had thrown at Nishinoya. 

- “I’M A WHAT???????????”

-Chaos ensued.

-Noya was talking frantically with you and asking you about when you found out, why you didn’t tell him etc while Tanaka was being scolded by Kiyoko for ruining your surprise. 

-It was a very eventful night to say the least. 

-But a happy one nonetheless. 

TAG TEAM AY: @brattyquirks​ @the-arcana-fan-fic​ @angelwritings​ @reinyrei​ @axerrri​

[dawniebb]

Face reveal bc yes

So, guys...especially from the Renegades fandom bc i’m the most active there: you saw the title lmao. This will...barely get notes (i wonder if it’ll get notes at all) buuUUUT YEAH LET’S GOOOO (If you’re gonna reblog pls be respectful bc i have issues and btw reblog ONLY if we are mutuals)

THIS IS ME! <3 HELLOOOO!!!

Now, if you want to stop here, do it. If you don’t...well

I’m going to tell you a story about myself and why I decided to post this.

First of all, I’m not celebrating anything. I’m just celebrating me, I guess (?) and in fact I’ve been wanting to do this since my parents got me a She-Ra cake for my 20th birthday back in May, because I loved that thing and felt the physical need to shove that thing into everyone’s faces But I didn’t because I didn’t feel ready enough...then that thought left my mind, and it came back like two weeks ago.

I’ve had mental issues since I was in like...elementary school. I’m sure I had felt depressed before I turned 12; however, the first memory I hold of feeling so, it’s when I was already 12. Because it was then when I realized that I wasn’t just a dumb kid who didn’t know how to make friends xd To this day, I genuinely feel like I was suffering from isolation bullying; you know xd my classmates purposely excluded me from activities, they would find any excuse for not letting me join their work teams and stuff like that; during my last year at elementary school, I only had like one friend, and that one friend and I shared a sort of abusive/toxic relationship, as in: manipulation, “we’re best friends. you should only talk to ME”, and then this friend turned her back at me too, because she decided to join the rest of the group and ignore me.

lol.

And I remember wondering what was I doing wrong. Like, why didn’t people like me; why didn’t they want to hang out with me; why did everyone seem to have friends except me. And then I got trapped into a very...dark place, and I remember being overthinking one day, because I tend to overthink a lot...and I remembered this specific kid who was in the same class as me.

I was in the line for the teacher to check my homework, and this kid, a boy, was behind me.

You see. I’ve always been chubby xd I don’t think I’ve ever been skinny since I was 2 years old or so, because by the time I was in kindergarten my classmates’ moms were already calling me a ‘little meatball’ thinking it was a fucking adorable nickname because Mexican moms can be pretty shitty sometimes don’t let the media stereotypes fool you not all of them are all cheerful and upbeat and when I was in elementary school, for some reason, besides being chubby, I had a really bad posture. And this boy who was behind me started imitating my way of walking and his friends were laughing, so I turned around and asked him wtf his problem was xd and he turned around to his friends and asked “Do you see how hunchback she is?” like I wasn’t even there xd and I genuinely tried to slap him but I couldn’t, and he said “Yo, stop moving because you’re going to cause an earthquake”

And my mom has always felt personally attacked for the fact I’m...u know, fat. She has always been very insistent on the fact I need to lose weight and stuff like that. And her, mixed with my experiences at school, made me feel like I wasn’t enough.

But my mind started saying things like “And u know why you aren’t enough? Because you’re fat”

Because, like, the day of the hunchback insult, when I told the teacher, who was a very shitty teacher btw but i’m not talking about her again today (i’ve already talked about her in MANY of my university papers, because I’m studying to be an English teacher), she turned around at him and said “Don’t listen to HER” and to this day I still don’t know why xd

But it made me feel like I wasn’t enough. Because I was fat.

Lol x2.

To this day, I still don’t know if I have an ED. Like, I genuinely don’t know. But I can safely say that, if I have one, it’s more likely BED... because, through the years, I managed to lose weight when I turned like 15 and I had my quinceañera party, but then first year of high school came and I had a relapse into depression...like, this might come off as a very unpopular opinion, but junior high school was dope for me x’d I remember it as one of the best years in my life, right after my second and third year in high school (high school in Mexico lasts only three years) and so...when I started my first year in high school and got fucking depressed again, I gained ALL that weight back, and even doubled it. During my second year of high school, I met my friends. The friends I still keep with me to this day. And they accepted me like the fucking train wreck I was, failing math like three times in a row and crying about it every single one of those times  because I’m pretty sure I have dyscalculia but my parents won’t listen to me they think i’m just lazy when it comes to math even though they know i cant even read a fucking clock . And them, along with my another very close friend who I met via fanfction when I was 12, helped me go through it. Like, I did have some issues with my body during high school, but not as much as you would expect. They were getting pretty bad in my first and second semester, but during the other four my friends managed to stop me from losing my mind, even when it all went to shit in my third year again for different reasons.

Then I graduated from high school, and I made friends there too. Although my best friends are still my friend from fanfiction, my friends from high school and just one of my university friends. And you know...I was left...pretty scarred from the shit that happened during third year of high school, and even if I didn’t feel like I was *that* depressed, I did gain a lot of weight.

Like, the highest I’ve ever been. Then my dad got sick during October from last year, then my two doggies were murdered god i fucking hate my neighbors the same day my dad was released from the hospital and my mom went kinda nuts during December and I wanted to just...yeah.

So I did a lot of emotional eating. Like, y’all don’t understand.

It was like...I would go to uni and eat a brownie. Then chocolates on my way home. THEN a “a snack” like...fucking rice krispies. Then a huge ass meal, with soda bc why not. Then I would have either cookies or hot cheetos as a treat after my huge ass meal,

I’m a short person xd carrying that much weight was making my ribs and back hurt, as well as my legs and feet; my breathing was freaking awful, and there were some days were I got SO paranoid I just said things like “i’m gonna die today” or “out here trying to get diabetes like the rest of your family, aren’t you??” :’) but i didn’t tell anybody. My parents are not really an option in this case, BUT I didn’t tell my friends, because then I would have to explain that I ate a lot and that was something I was EXTREMELY ashamed of.

When February came, I was scared of going out, because I knew I would have to choose what clothes to wear and nothing fit me anymore and, the things that did, looked super stretched on me and, u know, I was sore. My health was getting bad. But I didn’t like to feel that way.

AND I MUST CLARIFY HERE. I’M WORKING ON THAT. I’M ACTUALLY A BODY POSITIVY DEFENDER, I JUST DIDN’T LIKE HOW *I* LOOKED AND, BESIDES, I WAS GETTING SICK. I GENUINELY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE AT SOME POINT. I’M NOT SAYING BEING FAT OR CHUBBY IS DISGUSTING. NO. I BELIEVE ALL HUMAN BEINGS ARE EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL. AND IF I’M WRITING THIS IS BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO KNOW RECOVERY IS DISGUSTING AND DIFFICULT SOMETIMES AND THAT IF YOU’RE GOING THROUGH SOMETHING LIKE THAT: I’M SORRY. NOBODY SHOULD EVER FEEL LIKE THAT. I SUPPORT YOU. AND I HOPE THINGS GET BETTER. AND NO MATTER WHAT OTHERS SAY, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE TO CHANGE ONLY IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE. BECAUSE IT’S YOUR BODY. KEEP HOLDING ON.

But going back to the story...

My friends used to tell me I looked pretty all the time, which I appreciate a lot to this day. But my parents were like

Me: I’m fat and I look deformed.

Them: I agree.

Because yeah.

Just before the pandemic madness happened, I went on a school trip with my uni friends and one of them triggered my isolation trauma in the worst way possible...and that, somehow, ruined ALL the photos I took throughout the trip. Because I wasn’t enough. Because I was deformed and fat and I looked like an apple. Because nobody wanted to be seen near me. And my personality was shitty.

Like, I should’ve known I was worth it. I’m still worth it and I know that. But I wasn’t less worth it when I was chubbier. And maybe I didn’t look as bad as my head made me believe. But at the time my mental health was extremely awful.

Now, covid happened.

Not gonna lie. Quarantine fucked me up as much as it fucked everyone else, but for me...by not going out, I stopped being near trigger foods, and I was even able to consult a dietitian.

I’ve lost 15 kg since March. And I’ve managed to love my past self, but I love this one because changing it was my decision. Sure, my parents didn’t help a lot, but in the end it was MY decision. I’ve come to accept I was worth it even when I felt disgusted by myself, and all of those awful things people said or did to me, like my friend during that trip...

I didn’t deserve any of those things. Because NO ONE deserves to be treated that way.  No one deserves somebody else making fun of them. No one deserves somebody else doing awful things to them that they know damn well that they trigger their childhood trauma. No one deserves to be judged for the way they look.

I was in a very dark place, and sometimes I’m still inside there. And like...during all those times, I kept posting in here.

I remember being next to my dad in the hospital, telling him “Guess what? Supernova drops this week” or “We’re going to watch TDP together, right?” or “Let me talk to you about She-Ra...” ....those were things that like...saved my life for a while, though mostly Supernova. Because, actually, Marissa Meyer has helped me in my fucking darkest years x’d from my third year of high school until now.

Her books didn’t take my depression away, but they did make things a little lighter for me, even when I felt like dying.

And I know this fandom is like..full of minors, so...I don’t know if any of you need to hear this: But you’re worth it.

If you want to change anything in your body, do it because YOU want to.

Because YOU’LL like you better.

Because it’s YOUR body, and it’s the only part of yourself that you and other people can touch.

Nobody should ever tell you you’re worthless because of your weight and your physical appearance. And if they ever do, then they’re the ones who should apologize, not you.

Nobody has the right to mistreat you, abuse you, or use your own body against you.

As for me...my ribs don’t hurt anymore. Nor does my back or my feet, and my breathing is getting better; I took the conscious decision to lose weight but, like I said, now that I’m not in such a dark place, I’m staring to realize that the past me wasn’t as hideous as my mind was making me believe. She was okay; she was broken inside, but she didn’t deserve anything that happened to her, nor did she deserved to treat herself that badly.

I posted my photo just to celebrate that I can finally said I’m not disgusted anymore. I can finally see myself in pictures again. And see my own reflection. Or go through my closet. Or do my makeup, because I LOVE doing my makeup and I was even ashamed of that. I’m not fully okay yet, but I’m healing.

So, if there’s any little Dawnie around here: I hope you give yourself a chance and realize you’re beautiful.

I hope that, if you change, it’s because you wanted to do it.

I hope you know that it’ll get better even if the healing process it’s not that easy.

I hope you know there’s people who love you.

I hope you know that you are beautiful. You were always beautiful and, no matter what path you choose, you’ll always be beautiful.

And worth it.

And human.

And important.

Take care of yourself, because you’re wonderful, no matter your size <3

[byunsboyz]

Jamais Vu - Part Two

Exo Fanfiction

Baekhyun x Female Reader

Warnings: none? 

Genre: Fluff/Angst

W/C: 3507

Part One Part Three

_____________________________________________________________

You watch as Baekhyun turns away from your front door and disappears inside the next apartment.

No way.

*Slam*

Shit.

************************************************************************

Later that night you lie wide awake. 

Replaying the interaction over and over in your head.

Each time making you want to sink further into a hole of shame. 

Guess it’s time to become a recluse? 

You groan out loud as you roll over and try to shake all thoughts of Byun Baekhyun from your mind.

You nose fills with the smell of fresh cotton and magnolia that seeps out of your sheets from the movement. 

“Byun Baekhyun is that you? It’s y/n from university! Wow, what are the chances….” 

All the things you should have said verbalising in your mind when its already too late.

He would have realised and you both would have laughed and reminisced but no!

You knocked him over, stole his groceries and invaded his personal space.

Your chest feels tight with regret and embarrassment. 

You can’t even remember the last time you were left speechless, probably because you stopped letting your guard down a long time ago. 

You clutch your pillow against your face and let out the frustrated yell that you’ve been holding in all evening. 

The next morning you make sure to leave your apartment early. 

The main reason being that it’s your first day in a new department and you want to get into work to set up early and talk to the Director of Corporate Accounting, Mr Do regarding the accounts you’ll be managing.

You also want to have a quick check-in with Jaehyun to make sure he has everything he needs in place to start managing your old team. 

But NOT because you’re planning on avoiding Baekhyun until your lease runs out. 

Because that would be ridiculous...

“You’re being ridiculous!” 

You sigh, as you friend Aria scolds you on your lunch break.

“I don’t know what you mean” you huff, stuffing a tuna maki roll into your mouth.

Aria has been your best friend since you joined Kim & Partners almost six years ago. 

You often grab lunch at the small ramen restaurant around the corner from your company.

You both started at the same time and hit it off during your induction week.

Aria worked in the IT systems department and helped develop and manage aspects of the different software systems used at the company. 

You were utterly clueless and would often be on the phone to the support desk because you’d managed to crash or break something that should be impossible. 

Aria knew of Baekhyun, you had drunkenly ranted to her about him a few years back triggered by him leaving you a dry happy birthday message on your SNS page. 

You’d told her everything. About how you met, how close you’d been and how you’d felt about him at college.

You remember the tears hitting around the point you explained the last couple of years he had faded away.

“I know that he never could never have known how I felt, but-like” you had paused to down another shot, “...he still should have cared about me in some capacity right?”.

“Then delete him, he’s not worth it” she had soothed, rubbing your back.

You probably sounded so desperate but truthfully you felt abandoned.

You swallow down the uncomfortable memory with a sip of water as you continue to justify yourself.

“It’s not even like we really know each other anymore. Maybe HE’S avoiding ME”. You point your chopsticks at her accusingly. 

Aria raises her eyebrow at your words, accompanied by a glare. 

“Stop it! You’ll make the ramen taste bad!” you gasp, shielding your bowl.

She scoffs at your dramatics. “You live next to each other, it’s not like you can avoid him forever”. 

You look up from your bowl, a glint of determination in your eye.

“Challenged accepted”. 

“Stubborn ass”.

“Says the Sagittarius!” you shoot back.

When you get back from lunch, you head straight to see your new manager.

“I’m back Mr Do, are you ready to go over the client files?”. 

“Please don’t call me Mr Do, that’s my father’s name,” he sighs, looking up from his Laptop. “I’m not that much older than you, call me Kyungsoo”.

He grabs a stack of papers and files from his desk and walks around to plonk them onto yours opposite. 

“Are you sure it’s fine for me to invade your office?” you ask, flipping through the first document.

You were surprised to learn that you were sharing the office with the department director. 

The rest of your colleagues were sat open-plan adjacent to the office. 

You snort loudly.

“You can tell your background is auditing” you add, admiring the uniform presentation of each set of financial accounts. 

“Is it that obvious?”

His voice sounds closer than you expect. He’s still leaning against the edge of your desk as he looks over the file in your hand, a slight smirk on his heart-shaped lips. 

It’s not common to come across such a good looking accountant. A far cry from the crusty old white men you’re accustomed to working with.

Well, Jaehyun is handsome but you only see him as a younger colleague.

Kyungsoo, on the other hand. With his deep whiskey brown eyes and short black hair, complimenting to the warm hues of his skin. Is just plain hot.

His shirt sleeves are rolled up past his elbows and you can’t help but take notice of the tone in his forearms that cross over his chest. His voice snaps you out of the slight trance you’ve fallen into. 

“...and yes, it’d make sense to share the same space since we’re going to manage the biggest clients together. Did Mr Kim not explain that this is a promotion,” 

You nod in understanding and he steps back to his desk, looking up once last time with warm assuring smile. “Let’s work hard together”.

Then his attention is back to his laptop, his expression full of concentration.

The rhythmic tapping of his calculator and keyboard filling the room as soft background noise.

You cant help but smile as you look back down towards the files in front of you, a new feeling of determination ignited. 

Working with Kyungsoo for the rest of the day makes you forget about the previous day’s events.

That’s until you step into the lobby of your apartment building and instantly feel anxious at the sight of the elevator. 

You don’t fancy another run in with Baekhyun, so you opt for the stairwell.

You trudge up the stairs until you reach the top floor. Catching your breath as you stand on your tiptoes to peek out of the small glass window that looks out towards your hallway.  

The coast is clear so you make a stealthy dash past Baekhyun’s apartment into your own. 

Aria is right, you this is childish but you don’t want to deal with any awkwardness or confrontation. 

You leave early again the next morning, work late into the evening and take the stairs. Doing the same the next day. And the day after that. 

Most people don’t talk to their neighbours anyway. You’ve lived plenty of places and hardly interacted with the people in your building.

Maybe this was your new normal. 

The weekend is here before you know it. 

You open your eyes groggily. The last thing you remember was reading through some files that you brought home with you yesterday to make notes.

You blame your passing out on the two glasses of chardonnay you had to accompany the reading. 

There’s an ache in your thighs and knees that you attribute to the number of stairs you’ve climbed recently. 

Perhaps this will count towards your yearly cardio. 

You snort at the thought as you rub your eyes. Stretching your arms above your head as you try to loosen the stiffness of sleep from your body. 

Faint jazz music plays in the distance, drifting through the wall you share with Baekhyun's apartment. 

You close your eyes and listen, a soft piano and guitar medley you think?  The double bass thumping along like a gentle heartbeat. 

A feeling of melancholy washes over you causing you to sigh so you force yourself to get up and take a shower. 

Feeling more awake you decide now is the right time to sneak out of your apartment and grab some groceries while it’s still early.

A few hours later than you expected you return to your building, a bag full of groceries clutched in one arm and a couple of extra bags from an impromptu retail binge. 

You couldn't help yourself when you walked past your favourite clothing store Privé and spotted this beautiful pastel blue off-shoulder skater dress.

It literally called out for you to purchase and before you knew it you were also picking up a few new makeup and skincare items to indulge in for the rest of the day. 

‘I don’t splurge often… I work super hard and I deserve this!” you reason with yourself, grimacing as the total of your purchases flash across the cashier screen.

There's always a pang of slight guilt that accompanies any shopping high. The accountant aspect of you scolding your more impulsive side. 

You don’t dwell much on it as you approach the end of the hallway and find yourself contemplating a new dilemma. 

Haul everything up the stairs or risk the elevator. Realistically you’re carrying way too much so the only logical option is taking the elevator. 

It’ll be fine you assure yourself as you step onto the elevator, pushing the button for the top floor. 

Just as the elevator doors are almost closed a hand shoots through the gap and you yelp in surprise.

“Didn’t you hear me calling out to hold the eleva-!” gasps Baekhyun as he shoves his body through the door gap. 

His words cut short as his eyes land on you. 

Your stomach twists into a knot, tightening your grip on the grocery bags as you step to the side to create more space between you.

“I didn’t hear you...s-sorry” you manage to stutter out, trying your best to keep your voice even and eyes straight ahead.

You catch your image in the mirror of the elevator, your hair looking slightly windswept from the outside. 

A sudden conscious sensation of being watched sends a shiver down your spine and you feel your eyes being drawn to the figure reflected next to your own.

Baekhyun is staring, directly at you. His head turned towards you and lips slightly agape.

As if he’s about to say something. 

You internally plead with the elevator to move faster and as though it’s heard your thoughts, you feel the soft judder beneath your feet as it comes to a halt.

When the door spring open, you walk straight for your apartment. Not daring to look behind you.

Your hand trembles as you rapidly punch in your lock code and push open the door, stepping into your apartment and using your foot to kick the door shut behind you.

The door thumps, obstructed by something and you place the items on your counter thinking that your umbrella stand has probably fallen over.

Instead, when you turn around Baekhyun is standing in your doorway. His arm stretching out to hold your front door open.

“Are you avoiding me?”.

You freeze, feeling yourself flinch at his words. Caught off guard by the sudden accusation.

“No why would you-”. 

“Aw come on Y/N! you can’t even look me in the eye right now.” He cuts you off, his tone exasperated. 

“Who are you to suddenly act as if you know me?” You spit back without thinking. 

A tinge of heat rises to your cheeks. Annoyed with yourself for biting back so easily.

Baekhyun's expression softens. 

He lets his arm drop from the door and shoves both hands into the pockets of his jacket. 

“Look. I’m sorry.” 

“Wha-why?” 

“For yelling at you the other day...for the last couple of years?” he winces at his own words. 

“In my defence, you knocked me over” He looks at you like a kicked puppy, “and your hair is much longer now.”

He’s apologising?

“I don’t know what to say” your thoughts spilling directly from your mouth. 

You feel overwhelmed, unable to pint point exactly how you feel. 

Angry. Relieved. Happy?

You hear a half sigh, half laugh from Baekhyun.

“Hi?” He offers.

“Hey...” you reply weakly. 

You both stand there, for what feels like a while.

“Can we start ove-,” you begin, words cutting short as Baekhyun blurts out the same.

You laugh this time.  

“Please.” he adds.  

You note that his hands are now resting at his sides, a sure sign he’s also feeling less on edge. 

You feel ridiculous for even remembering that.

“Good...well. I’m glad” you agree. 

Not knowing what else to say. 

“Yeah, me too,” he continues. “So we’re finally neighbours.”

“Uh-huh” you nod. 

“Awesome” 

You cross your arms over your chest. “So what brought you to move here?” you ask.

“Work, new job!” 

“Congrats”

“Thanks…” He rocks back on his heel. One hand returning to his pocket. “What about you?”

“Huh?... Oh, the same”.

You cringe at the dry turn of the conversation. 

Is it appropriate to ask him to leave?

“So-uh, yeah. I guess I'll be seeing you around?” You opt for something subtle.

He seems to understand, his eyes widening slightly as he quickly steps back from the threshold.

“Ye-yes of course! Catch up soon?” 

You're not sure if he’s asking you or telling you, so you just offer him a weak nod as he closes your door behind him. 

You hold your breath, straining your ears for the sound of his door closing. 

The moment you’re sure Baekhyun is back inside his apartment you jump straight on the phone to Aria. 

Words of confusion spilling from your mouth as you fill her in on what’s happened.

“What does this mean!?” you whisper/shout over the line.

“How am I supposed to know?” she deadpans, always the most sympathetic. “What do you want?”

“What?” 

You flop onto your couch dramatically.  

“Like, do you want to be his friend again. Address your feelings and issues and rebuild a relationship or just keep things in the past and remain as you are?”.

“I...I don’t know. I’ve spent so much time avoiding him I didn’t even consider anything like that”.

You hear her sigh on the other end. “So think about it carefully, you were really upset last time” 

You respond with a groan.“I know”. 

“Do you want me to text Key and we can all meet up, get some drinks and debate this further. You know he’s always opinionated on things like that.”

“Tempting, but I have to work on some client files and think this over for myself...” you pause, suddenly realising something. “Wait, Key knows?”.

“Yah, I’ve been texting him this whole time.”

You press two fingers against your temple, feeling a headache coming. “Thanks mate.”

Kim Kibum, Key as he prefers; is your other best friend.

You met at a night school you’d attended a few years back, after sitting next to each other by chance on the first day. 

You would meet up at the weekends for joint study sessions, usually followed up with a few drinks and sharing mutual complaints about the difficulties and stress of working and studying at the same time. 

You’d introduced him to Aria and the rest was history. 

You usually meet up together once a month, sometimes hanging out with his roommates Minho and Taemin. 

“Tell Key I’ll text him later, rain check on the drinks. Maybe next weekend...uh-huh, ok. Text you later.” 

You end the call, looking up at the ceiling. 

Chest feeling heavy as you try to put your thoughts towards Baekhyun into one place.

Was this a friendship worth salvaging. You were close past tense, but also people grew and changed. 

He wasn’t the only friend you grew apart from so why did it sting so much when you did?

It’s not like you were still in love with him or anything, or that you were waiting for him all this time.

It’s not a romantic comedy. (Even if you do enjoy watching them).

You feel cursed in the relationship department anyway, the last ending terribly with your ex cheating on you with someone you considered to be a friend. 

Remaining single is currently a choice. Aria and Key constantly threaten to drag you to some speed dating event but you refuse. 

The rest of the weekend goes by peacefully, you meet Key for coffee Sunday afternoon for a change of pace from looking over client files and cleaning your bathroom.

“I think...,” you start, taking an extra-long sip of your iced latte “It would be nice to be friends again”.

“We were friends?” Key looks up from his phone, a smirk on his lips. 

You smack his arm playfully. “You know what I mean!”. 

“So you’re not planning any love confessions this time?”.

You grimace, “I was eighteen! It was a crush...now I’m a grown-ass lady who knows she’s going to die alone with seventeen dogs”. 

“Hmmm, well if you don’t want him, I’ll have him” 

You choke on your coffee.

“How do you know he’s not an ugly ass?”

He holds his phone up to you. 

“Because SNS is a wonderful thing darling”. 

You gasp, snatching the phone out of Key’s hand. Baekhyun's profile photo staring back at you.

It looks like he’s on a beach somewhere. 

His hair a light shade of blonde, wearing a tight fit shirt which only emphasises the broadness of his shoulders.

He’s grinning cheekily at whoever is taking the photo and you feel the corners of your lips tugging upwards in response. 

You don’t think it’s the sun that brightens the picture.

A hand suddenly waves in front of your face. “Earth to lover girl!” Key calls out, removing his phone from your hand. 

“Stop stalking Baekhyun.” you huff. 

“Fine fine fine” he deadpans. “but only if you add him yourself”. 

“How do you know we aren’t already friends?”

He looks up at you with a raised brow. Ah yeah he’s already checked. 

You chew on the bottom of your lip nervously as you press send on the friendship request. 

Pangs of guilt emerging over the fact you had even deleted him in the first place 

But you needed to back then, it used to hurt to look at him. 

Monday morning as your leaving your apartment your surprised to see Baekhyun leaving his apartment at the same time. 

He looks you up and down curiously.

“Morning” He smiles, “this is a bit late for you?” his tone slightly teasing.

He’s not wrong, you’re back to leaving your usual time. 

“or maybe you’re early” you respond, mimicking his tone. 

He laughs and shakes his head. “No, I leave this time every day”. 

He falls into step as you head towards the elevator. 

“I started working in a new department last week so I went in early to try and adjust faster.” 

Wait. Why are you justifying yourself to him? 

“So you’re a big fancy accountant now?” he asks, smiling as you wait for him to step onto the elevator before you push the button for the ground floor. 

“And you a fancy architect?” you offer, he laughs and nods in agreement. 

The rest of the elevator ride is in silence, but this time you're not itching to escape. 

Baekhyun hums randomly to himself as he fiddles around on his phone. 

*ping* 

You reach into your pocket searching for your phone at the sound of the notification tone.

‘Byun Baekhyun has accepted your friend request’.

You look up from your phone but he’s not looking. His expression serious as he continues to look down at his phone. 

Does he feel bad that you deleted him?

You step off the elevator and leave the building at the same time.

Keeping a half step ahead as you turn off towards the subway station.

In your peripheral you see that he’s turned in the opposite direction. 

Should you say goodbye, is it weird to wish him a good day? 

You start wondering as you walk further away from each other. 

“Kick some accounting ass!” Baekhyun suddenly calls out, making you spin around in surprise. 

You snort at his word choice.

“Architect the shit out of some buildings!” you call back. 

You’re rewarded with one of his loud melodic laughs and you catch yourself sighing dreamily.

Ah Shit.

[swampy-bkdk-jukes]

Angst end kaito gets teleported to the other timeline while on a jog. He does find it wierd that he was in town and now hes just infront of his house.

So he walks in and looks around.

This isnt his house. It is but its bright and it smells like home. It doesnt smell sour and just of his father. This one smells like family.

So as he closes the door he jumps out of his skin as he hears bakugou behind him.

"Kaito? What the fuck are you doing here? Did you skip school?" He asks and sniffs his son. And the sour smell hits him. One of which a pup only gives out when hes distressed.

"I dont have school today. I told you i was going out for a jog today" he sais to what he assumes is his dad.

Except his dad doesnt have scars across his face.

"Deku! Does kaito have school today!?"

He is confused as to why his dad is yelling at his empty house. Has he lost it again?

Until he smells the sweet scent of omega and milk. Nurturing and sweet and turns around as he gasps.

His papa is there alive?

"Yes wh-. Kaito! Kaito honey what are you doing here?"

"Dad? Is that ...really you?"

Both parents looked worried for his son.

But are startled when he starts to cry as he launges himself at deku as he cries in his arms. "Daddy! You're alive!" He cries

Bakugou concerned now decides to call kaito on the phone. Only to get an angry response back "what old man! Im in class!"

Clearly kaito is at school but also here crying in his mates arms. A crying he never heard his son make.

"Uh yes hun. I am. What's wrong are you sick?" Deku asks his pup who clearly is choking on his sobs.

"So you guys arent my parents huh?" Kaito says a little disapointed.

Clearly not. Here they were staring at him while another him and three more kids look at him confused.

He is hurt. This is a sick joke but at the same time he cant help but smile at seeing his papa be alive infront of him. Conforting the way he would like to.

"It seems so son" deku says gently patting his pups hair who is looking at him in awe.

Kaito sniffs as he relaxes. He should have known it was too good to be true.

Meanwhile bakugou had grown worried.

Hours earlier had kaito said he was going on a jog and now its well past 2 at night. How come his pup isnt home yet?

"Kaito you little shit please answer your phone"

"Well i guess we have to wait for the universe to realize that your in the wrong time hun" deku says sitting besides his... Well not his pup.

"Would you like anything to eat? Other big bro?" Masaki asks.

Kaito doesnt like the wring of big bro. Had he want it his way it would just be his dads and himself. But this wasnt his. It would never be.

"I think he just wants some mommy time huh?" Deku asks.

Kaito nods as he burries himself in dekus arms enjoying the sound of his heart. Its gentle and soft just a vegue memory in his mind

"I always wanted to know you papa" kaito mumbles his eyes dry and puffy from crying.

Deku smiled kissing his head to soothe him.

Sad to see that this pup never had him there.

"Kaito! Kaito sweetie i think its time for you to go home" AE kaito wakes up to his papa waking him.

He looks tired but content as to have been with his papa.

A portal had opened and it was waiting. Waiting to set things right to how it was.

"I bet your dad is worried about you" his other self said

Ae kaito looked at the other and smiled.

While this universe was nice it wasnt his. He wanted to go home to his own dad in which while both miserable they could make the best of it.

Ae Bakugou is exhausted. The whole night he kept searching for his son and was coming home to find pictures to report him missing.

To think he lost his son too ate at him.

When he did enter his house he stopped.

A scent lingered. One he had never forgotten and went searching for it.

In his kitchen was his son. Eyes red, hair a mess but there was a glow to him. And a certain smell. A smell of family a smell of deku.

"Hey dad i-" kaito stopped

His dad charged at him wrapping his arms around his son. One he thought he lost.

"Thank heavens you are alright! You little shit had me worried i was going to lose you too. Are you hurt? Did anyone hurt you?"

Kaito looked at his dad and smiled. Yes this was his universe. Yes this was his dad and he liked it this way better

[mooniconic]

How Could You

What happens when the love of life made you his side piece. A iKON fanfic filled with Angst. Mention of alcohol and curse words.

*Word Count: 6026

Y/N: You

Y/BFF/N: You’re best friend’s name. (Also dating Hanbin.)

Soo Jin: Didn’t have any other names that I could think of. I was watching weightlifting fairy and I thought of her, sorry!

I was working as a production assistant for Winner, I buy their coffee, I get them their embarrassing grocery items that their managers could never buy in public. I mostly help them out during schedules. They’re a fantastic group and all the rumors about them being rude were just rumors. Winner is literally the most down to earth celebrities I’ve ever worked with, taken they’re the first one I’ve worked with, but you hear all these horror stories about celebs being bratty and that will scare you from working for any kpop group ever. I thank the heavens they’re so kind. They even introduced me to my boyfriend…

okay he’s not technically my boyfriend yet, but it’s going there. We’re taking it slow, he and I talked about defining the relationship by the time we both had a break. It’s just 3 weeks from now, I’m excited since we’re going to Jeju. He said he was happy he’s going to get a few days with me.

Bobby has been the sweetest man I’ve ever met. It feels like he’s from a movie? He’s polite and never does anything un gentleman like whenever he’s with me. He’s funny, he makes me laugh like no one ever does. He gets my jokes even the dark ones. He geeks about the Marvel Cinematic Universe and that will always lead us on to a deep conversation about alternate realities. He understands my work, since he is an idol, he knows how busy it gets. He never guilts me when my job gets in the way and I don’t guilt him about his job, because we both know how it works. He’s a swell guy and I think I love him.

__________________________________________

At YG Canteen

We were having lunch with iKON. Y/bff/n was there because the boys were touring her around.

Me: Hey guys! Wanna go out tonight?

Bobby: why, babe? Are we celebrating anything?

Me: YES! Also, because Y/BFF/N finally has free time hahaha. I’m getting transferred to another group, I don’t know where though, but I guess that means I’m not out of the job.

Song: Maybe it’s with us?

Me: I doubt it. They might put me in with BlackPink or Dara noona. Omg you think they’ll assign me to GD&TOP?!?

Y/BFF/N: Your panty is falling.

Me: Falling??? Can it just slip? HAHAHA

Y/BFF/N: Bobby, do you get jealous every time she says she ~loves~ TOP-ssi?

Bobby: I know she’s loyal. *says it with his signature eye smile*

Chanwoo mumbles something under his breath.

Me: What’s that?

Chanwoo: Nothing!

I drop it and concentrate on my lunch while Jinhwan teases Y/BFF/N about Hanbin. The other guys laugh on. My thoughts start to keep me occupied. “How was I going to adjust with my new bosses? Boss?” “are they as nice as Winner?” “Oh my god I must remind my replacement about Yoon’s obsession with Yakult. He never drinks the other brands, he keeps saying it’s not the same.” “Shit. Do they need new boxes of condoms? Did I buy them already?”

A female voice gets me out of my thoughts “Bobby yaaaaa!” she hurries towards Bobby. It’s Kyung Soo Jin. She wraps her arms around Bobby’s chest and plants a kiss on his cheek. My face contorts into what I can only explain as “What the fuck?”. She moves to sit beside Bobby on the other side, is Bobby nervous? He looks like he’s seen a ghost.

Bobby: oh, noona! H-Ho-How are you?

Soo Jin: Why are asking? It’s not like you don’t know.

Y/BFF/N looks like she’s about to throw her drink in Bobby’s face. She looks at me and gestures with her eyes that I should say something, but I’m in shock. Why is she so close to him? Why is she holding on to his hand?

Soo Jin: why are you all so quiet? I’ve missed all of you. Hanbin is she the girl you were talking about?

Y/BFF/N: Hi, I’m Y/BFF/N, I was a fan of your character in Weightlifting Fairy, I hated you there meaning you did good. How do you know Bobby?

Bobby tries to say something along the lines of “she’s my noona” but Soo Jin answers

Soo Jin: Thanks, I guess. I’m his girlfriend. He hasn’t really said it to anyone besides these guys. Haha. Wait *looks at me* what’s your name? are you part of the staff?

All I could do is look at Bobby, he’s smiling nervously and tries to say something, but nothing comes out of his mouth. My mouth hangs open while I try to grasp her answer when Donghyuk finally steps in.

Donghyuk: She’s Y/N noona. She’s with Winner. Y/N noona, do you think you could help me?

He goes to me and pulls me off my seat. He carries my food tray back to the counter and continues to pull me out of the canteen. Y/BFF/N is being held down by Jinhwan and Hanbin, they’re holding her hands. Jinhwan is whispering to her.

Jinhwan: Please don’t make a scene. Not now.

Y/BFF?N: So, all of you knew that Bobby had a girlfriend? *a terrifying smile creeps on her face*

Nobody really answers except for Soo Jin for some god knows what reason has not noticed that the air has become way too heavy for everyone at the table. Song looks like he’s watching a drama and he’s freaking out, Chanwoo just wants to get out as soon as he can, Junhoe has an awkward expression plasted on his face, Hanbin looks like he’s going to start pleading for Y/BFF/N to stop talking, and Jinwhan looks like he swallowed the California Reaper Pepper.

Soo Jin: Yeah, we even had dinner for it. When we told the members that we *she rests her head on Bobby’s shoulder* were finally in a relationship. That was about two weeks ago. Right, Jagi?

Bobby snaps out of it and finally speaks

Bobby: Ye-Yeah haha. Where’s Y/N and Dongie?

Y/BFF/N: probably helping Y/N with work since you know she’s so busy. So busy in fact that she didn’t know that the guy she was dating was with someone else. She’s still in shock and the guy is a total asshat.

Bobby starts coughing and stands up.

Bobby: I have to get some air.

Soo Jin follows him outside, worry settling in her brows.

__________________________________________

YG Canteen

Y/BFF/N: Why didn’t you tell us that Bobby is a two timing asshat??

Hanbin: well… We didn’t want to get in the drama and it’s Bobby hyung’s life.

Y/BFF/N: oh, so you’re just going to let him be a cheater, is that it?? You’re letting him hurt. Y/N. If Hanbin tries to flirt with another girl, are you going to let him Nani? Because it’s his life right?!?

Jinwhan: Yes, I mean it’s-

Y/BFF/N: Basically, what you’re saying is you don’t care if Y/N gets hurt. I get it. Didn’t think you guys were like this. You guys just think of her as part of the staff and not even your friend. Wow. Fuck you guys.

Hanbin: Y/BFF/N it’s not like that. It’s just hard to meddle in these things. It’s hyung’s responsibility he should be the one to tell her. Wait don’t get mad, I’m sorry!

Y/BFF/N: Whatever.

Y/BFF/N stands up to find me and Donghyuk.

__________________________________________

Outside at the nearest park in YG

Donghyuk sits beside me on an old park bench. I keep my hands on my knees, my brain is still trying to process what just happened. “Did Bobby cheat on me? Wait is he cheating on her with me? Shit. We’re not even together anyway so I have no right to be mad?”

Donghyuk: Don’t blame yourself for any of this.

Me: What?

Donghyuk: I said don’t blame yourself, it’s hyung’s fault. He started being her boyfriend 2 weeks ago and the for the sake of his ego, he didn’t want to let you go.

Me: I shouldn’t have expected him to want to be in a relationship with me. I have a part in this too, given I didn’t know about her, but I should’ve known it was too good to be true.

Donghyuk: how could you? when he gave you every reason to stay.

He takes my hand in his and holds on to it. He looks at me with pity in his eyes.

Donghyuk: He should’ve been honest with you. He knew you were falling for him and he liked that he got you where he wanted you. Noona, I’m sorry I didn’t help you. I’m trying now.

He pulls me in a hug while I start crying. I feel like the ground is shaking and that there isn’t air in my lungs anymore. Donghyuk hugs me tighter but I get out of the hug.

Me: I need space. I need to get away.

My phone rings, it’s manager oppa. I need to meet them at the salon since the boys have a last-minute performance. I book myself an Uber since I can reimburse that anyway.

Me: I have work. Thanks though. *I wipe my tears from my face*

Y/BFF/N finds us at the park, and she jogs towards us.

Y/BFF/N: Babe, are you okay? I know stupid question.

Me: I have work. I’m waiting for Uber, I think he’s near.

Donghyuk stands behind me and puts a hand on my shoulder. He’s comforting me, he’s always been a sweetheart.

Y/BFF/N: You’re going to talk to Bobby?

Me: not now. Probably after work, I don’t want a fight.

Y/BFF/N: I want one.

Me: hahaha obviously. Maybe later? When we get drinks, God knows I need alcohol in me before I speak to Bobby. My car’s here see you later.

I get in the car and let myself think about work, when we pass by a corner. I see Bobby and Soo Jin, he’s trying to comfort her, and he plants a kiss on her lips. I start tearing up and my mind goes back to the times he said he wanted me. That’s when in hits me he never loved me, he just wanted me. He wanted someone to fuck when she can’t see him, and I let myself indulge him. The anger inside me was enough to fuel my next move. I sent a message to our group chat “Drinks tonight at S, I better see all of you.”

__________________________________________

At S

Chanwoo: Why are we here? Like why do we all have to be here?

Y/BFF/N: Because you didn’t stop your friend from becoming a dickhead. You all deserve to suffer with him tonight.

Jinhwan: WE GET IT. We fucked so can you please just shut up, he cant hear you anyway.

Y/BFF/N: Why am I even far from him? *she looks at Hanbin*

Hanbin: because something might happen and isn’t Y/N noona be the one to fight with hyung?

Junhoe: Whatever, I’m just here for the drinks. *He tips his glass in Bobby’s direction* Thanks bro.

Bobby gives him an insincere smile and he looks at his phone. ‘She’s late” He thinks to himself. For whatever reason he’s determined to explain his side tonight.

I get to the bar about an hour late, the boys extended their set list so we had to stay longer. I had to rush home and change my outfit since I looked like I was going to a library instead of going to a bar. I’m wearing a short black dress and black combat boots, I look like I’m ready for battle. Bobby sees me even if he’s halfway across the bar, if I didn’t know any better I’d swoon over the fact that he can spot me from afar.

Bobby makes his way towards me, he has this aura that can part away a crowd and yet so magnetic. He always looked like a badass and for a second I forget how much of a douche he is. He stands in front of me.

Bobby: Babe. *he tries to give me a kiss*

Me: what the FUCK are you doing? You got caught you asshole and you’re going to pretend it didn’t happen??!!

Bobby pulls me closer to him.

Bobby: people might hear what you’re saying. I’m going to explain everything.

Me: I’m going to start talking to you when I get a drink in me. So will you excuse me?

I get out of his grip and start looking for Y/BFF/N and the boys. I spot them in the vip area and I head towards them. Security stops me from entering but Jinwhan tells him to let me in. I don’t say anything to him, I go straight to the table and grab the bottle of whiskey. I drink straight from the bottle I get about four gulps in before Donghyuk stops me.

Donghyuk: you shouldn’t be drinking, noona.

Me: I do what I want!

I snapped and then realized what kind of tone I used.

Me: I’m sorry Dongdong I didn’t mean to snap at you like that.

Instead of answering me he grabs the bottle and puts it down on the table. He then hugs me tightly, he whispers another apology into my ear. He’s trying to soothe me, but I push him away gently. I look into his eyes and say

“You should stop apologizing, you didn’t do anything wrong. You’re not the one who strung me along for months and didn’t tell me they were getting serious with another girl, quite frankly I don’t understand why you’re so guilty.”

Donghyuk: it’s because I should’ve saved you from this pain. I knew all about it and I did nothing to stop hyung from hurting you. I’m sorry.

I take the whiskey bottle and take another swig.

Me: still not your fault. You seriously should stop hugging me, someone might see you and tell your girlfriend. I really don’t want to be labeled as a home wrecker.

Donghyuk eyes widen in disbelief. He’s taken aback that I’m blaming myself for this situation he looks at me in my eyes and holds both of my arms to my side.

Donghyuk: Are you serious right now? Noona… you didn’t know about her and my girlfriend understands that you’re very close to me. She knows you’re part of my family. Did you have a feeling about hyung being with another woman?

Me: Dongdong… no I didn’t but I stil feel guilty even I didn’t know about her. I feel like should’ve asked more questions and that I should’ve checked with him more often. Like I should’ve been more suspicious with the fact that it was taking him 6 months to define what we were.

Donghyuk hugs me again and Y/BFF/N joins in.

Y/BFF/Nl: so what’s the plan?

Me: were you listening in?

Y/BFF/N: babe your voice was so loud even the bouncer heard you. It’s quieter here.

Me: oh my god. Feels it’s still loud here hahaha.

Chanwoo: noona… give me the bottle. That’s the only bottle Bobby hyung bought. We’re all sharing coz hyung is cheap. *smiles*

It catches me off guard and I let out a laugh.

Me: you know how to diffuse any situation don’t you?

Chanwoo laughs and takes the bottle from me. He pours whiskey for everyone in the table except for me. Bobby is still at the bar watching us. He’s going to make me come to him because to him I’m the one with the problem. Even when he’s wrong he’s still stubborn.

Me: look at him waiting for me to come to him. It’s like I’m the one with a problem with all this. What a cocky fucker.

Jinhwan: noona, he doesn’t know what to say. He’s super nervous too.

Y/BFF/N: wow *rolls her eyes*

Me: I better just get this over with, before the whiskey gets to me.

I take another gulp of whiskey from Jinhwan’s glass and I make my way over to Jiwon. It was a bit hard since the club got more crowded. He sees me walking towards him and he takes my hand and takes me to the lobby. Y/BFF/N and Hanbin watches from the VIP section and decided to follow us to the lobby. They’re hidden from us but the place is quieter and they can hear what we’re talking about.

Me: why did you do this? Why are you with me when she’s your girlfriend?

Jiwon: because I love you too. I want to be with you too.

Me: That’s not fair Jiwon and you know it. You guys aren’t in an open relationship, if you were then maybe this could be acceptable.

Jiwon: stay with me, please.

Me: No. I can’t do this, I shouldn’t. Jiwon… why her? You said you love me, but why did you choose her? Why wasn’t it me? I love you and I give you everything you need, right? Why didn’t you choose me?

Jiwon couldn’t answer me. He takes my hand and brings it to face, he starts kissing my hand. He looks me in the eyes and said

“I love you both. Please stay with me. I love you.”

Tears stream down my face and the whiskey is slowly trickling into my brain. I was about to say yes when Y/BFF/N barges towards us and starts pointing at Jiwon.

Y/BFF/N: ARE YOU A FUCKING ASSHOLE???? You want her to stay with you even if you have a fucking girlfriend???

Jiwon looks like he’s about to explode but then Hanbin pulls Y/BFF/N towards the private rooms. Y/BFF/N pulls me along and I pull Jiwon. When the door closed that’s when all hell broke loose. I couldn’t stand straight anymore the whiskey has invaded my brain. Hanbin sits me down and texts the other guys to find us. Y/BFF/N was screaming at Bobby.

Y/BFF/N: are you fucking crazy???? You know she’s drunk and madly in love with you. What is she to you? A toy?? Fuck you Bobby, Y/N deserves better than to be your side piece. You love her? Why would you put her in a position where she’s the loser?

Bobby: We’re adults noona, she can make her own decisions. She wants to be with me and I want to be with her. You don’t have to worry about us.

He tries to come near me but she comes in between us. She shouts at Bobby to stay away from and all I can do was look at him. Tears were falling from my eyes but I stayed quiet. I silently curse myself for almost saying yes to Bobby.

Y/BFF/N: Don’t come near not unless you want a punch to the face.

Bobby raises his voice and says “You can’t tell me what to do” and Hanbin finally steps in he pushes Bobby away from Y/BFF/N.

Hanbin: don’t you scream at her, hyung. Don’t.

Bobby: your girlfriend keeps getting in the way. You’re not included in my relationship with Y/N. We know what we’re getting into.

Y/BFF/N: what do you mean about both of you knowing what you’re getting into, Y/N literally found out you have a girlfriend today. Fuck you.

Bobby moves closer to her but Hanbin blocks him. Hanbin looks like he’s pissed off as well. All I could do was let out a soft “stop it please.” But it was overshadowed when Y/BFF/N brought her phone out.

Y/BFF/N: tell Soo Jin about Y/N or I will.

Bobby: Fuck you! What the fuck is your fucking problem?!?!

The boys make it in time to stop Hanbin from lunging at Bobby. Junhoe and Chanwoo hold Hanbin back while Yunhyeong and Jinhwan hold Bobby. Donghyuk sits besides and asks me if I’m okay. I couldn’t speak I feel like I’m about to faint.

Y/BFF/N: You stop this or I will. Y/N and Soo Jin deserve better than you. You cheating whore.

Me: Please stop. Please. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done this. Please. I’ll leave Bobby alone. No more fighting please.

I beg them to stop but they couldn’t hear me and DongDong won’t let me stand. I grab my phone and ask for Soo Jin’s number from Mino. He sends it to me fast.

Me: DongDong I need some air. Please.

He helps me stand and brings me outside. We went to west exit of the club and sat down on the sidewalk. She and the guys are still arguing. I know what to do to stop this. I call her number and it rings 3 times before she picks up.

Me: Hello? Soo Jin-shi?

Soo Jin: Yes? Who’s this?

Me: My name is Y/N. You met me earlier at the canteen. I have something to tell you and please hear me out properly before speaking.

Soo Jin: I don’t understand why you’re calling me.

Me: It’s about Jiwon. Please let me explain things before I run out of time.

Soo Jin: Is something wrong?

Me: There’s no easy way to say this so I’ll go ahead. I’m dating Jiwon too for 6 months now, we were never official but he and I were a thing. I never knew about you until today, he never told me and the other guys didn’t tell me either. I know this is a shock to you because you’re his girlfriend. I want to say I’m sorry for not knowing about your relationship with him, if I knew I wouldn’t have stayed with him. I love him so much but this is wrong. You need to know that he’s cheating on you, Soo Jin. I’m so-

Donghyuk pulls my phone away and checks who I’m talking too. He called the managers and by the time he got off the phone he heard me rambling to Soo Jin.

Donghyuk: hello Soo Jin noona? Is this you?

Soo Jin: Who is this???

Donghyuk: it’s me Donghyuk. Noona I don’t know what Y/N noona told you but she’s a good person please don’t get mad at her. She’s drunk now.

Soo Jin: Is what she saying true? That Jiwon is dating us both?

Donghyuk couldn’t answer her and she drops the call.

Donghyuk sits beside me and cups my face with both his hands.

Donghyuk: Noona.. what did you do?

Me: the right thing. I’m sorry about this but I can’t let her not know. Knowing that Jiwon still wanted to be with me despite the truth… and me almost saying yes. No more. Jiwon is a dick.

Donghyuk: You just made things chaotic. They’re still fighting inside. The manager hyungs are on their way.

He hugs me and I asked to be brought inside the room again. He hesitates but I tell him I won’t fight anyone and that I’m semi sober now. We enter the room to Y/BFF/N crying while Hanbin shouts explicits to Jiwon. The others look exhausted and when we entered the room their eyes were on us.

Bobby: so where did you two go? Did you both fuck while we were here fighting? Noona I guess you really are a whore.

The room interrupts with protests. Donghyuk started screaming at Jiwon to watch his words and to not disrespect me anymore. I couldn’t quite explain what I felt at that moment, I was livid he would say something like that, but at the same I knew he only said it because he was angry. I quiet everyone down.

Me: I’m sorry I caused this fight between all of you. Y/BFF/N I’m grateful you had my back and protected me from making a big mistake. Hanbin, you’re lucky that you have her as your girl. Protect her always okay? Just like you did tonight. Thank you for being a friend. To Junhoe, Jinhwan, Chanwoo, and Yunhyeong I’m sorry you weren’t able to have fun tonight, I was really hoping this was going to be peaceful. Thank you for staying.

Everyone was silent. Hanbin was hugging Y/BFF/N and the other guys had their heads down. Bobby was staring at me but the anger is gone from his eyes. Yunhyeong moves closer to me so he can give me a hug. I welcome his hug and I move to his side.

Me: again, I’m sorry it had to be this dramatic.

Donghyuk: Not your fault.

Me: Jiwon… I can’t do this with you and as much as this pains me I have to let you go. My conscience won’t let me sleep if I didn’t do what I did. I love you but I’m sorry. I told Soo Jin about us, I called her. I’m sorry but I know you won’t tell her, so I did. You can hate me or whatever but you know deep down you’re an asshole for doing this.

Bobby: Fuck you. Fuck all of you.

He storms out of the room just in time for the managers to find us. Bay max manager takes him to where he wants to go while Harry Potter manager asks us what happened. Hanbin tells him the summary of the night and says that we should all head home. I say another apology and Junhoe finally speaks up.

Junhoe: it’s okay, noona. We understand.

He gives me a side hug and so did the other guys. Y/BFF/N is sleeping over at Hanbin’s dorm, so they ask if I would like to sleep there too. “It’s gonna be too much for Jiwon to see me there even if I stay upstairs. I should just go home.”

Donghyuk: How? Everything’s closed.

Me: Uber? I can try or I can wait for a cab.

Manager: No cabs. It’s too late you’d end up going home at 5am.

Me: I’d walk then. I better get going, the apartment is a bit far.

Manager: We can take you home.

Me: can you guys just drop me off near my apartment? I want to walk.

Manager: Alright I can drop you off 5 blocks from your building? Right before we turn for the dorm?

Me: thank you. Sorry again.

Manager: no worries. Go inside and you can sit in front.

I go over to my best friend and give her a long hug.

Me: Thanks. Love you, I will protect you how you protected me tonight. I got your back, babe. Sorry you had to do it though.

Y/BFF/N: I get that you really love that fucking ass. Sit beside me. Quail *to hanbin* stay in front.

The tears refuse to fall from my eyes now, probably because I’m way too tired to cry or probably because I’m too embarrassed. None of us speak during the car ride and when I get to my drop off,we quietly say our good byes and I say another apology before closing the door.

I was about to walk away when Donghyuk runs after me and says “She said I can stay with you.” He shows me the text his girlfriend sent, his girlfriend was always nice to me since I worked for her salon for two months. She was like my mom there even though she’s only three years older than I am. She knows my relationship with Donghyuk is strictly platonic or familial at most. I shrug my shoulders and he follows me.

Donghyuk: If you want to talk… I’m here and if you don’t… I’m still here.

I smile softly and continued walking. I stopped by the playground and sat on the swing.

Me: This is where we had our first kiss you know. I was so happy that he felt the same way and now I’m not sure if it was all a lie. Was he as happy as I was? Did he really feel like I was worthy of his love or was that all his ego? DongDong… For months I thought that all I had to do was wait for him to commit, to make things official. We were basically doing what couples did anyway, so the commitment was a just a stamp to make things concrete, but now… knowing that Soo Jin was in the picture… what was I in his life?

I swing myself higher while I wait for DongDong’s reply.

Donghyuk: you really loved him didn’t you?

Me: Yes, way more than I should’ve. That’s why I’m more mad at myself than at him. DongDong I know. Bro code and stuff but why didn’t you stop him from entertaining me?

It took a while before Donghyuk’s reply. He’s obviously thinking, he probably didn’t know why either.

Donghyuk: well it got complicated. I thought the thing with Soo Jin was over and that’s why he was dating you. Then she visits the dorm and that’s when we knew he started it with her again, that was I guess 3 months into you guys hanging out. I told him if he wasn’t sure he should just end it with you, since this is the second time he’s with Soo Jin. Did he tell you about her?

Me: yes.

Donghyuk: Well, he didn’t say anything it was always “I got it bro.” Until that turned into you being at the dorm more often and him calling Soo Jin when you were asleep. I sat him down one time and told him he better tell you or Soo Jin because in the end he was just hurting all of you, but he didn’t listen to me. So I tried my best for you not to find out, because to be honest I like you more than Soo Jin.

Me: Thanks hahah. *I laugh but my heart isn’t in it*

Donghyuk: I’m sorry. I should’ve just been honest with you.

Me: Let’s get going, it’s almost 4am. I still have work at lunch. Do you have a schedule?

Donghyuk: rest day.

Me: Great then you can get breakfast later hahah.

We walk to my apartment and was shocked to see Bobby waiting for me at my door.

Me: What are you doing here?

Bobby: WE neEeeed to taaaallk.

He’s drunk and looks like he’s been crying. I open the door and Donghyuk brings him in. I open the lights and start brewing coffee immediately. The apartment is just enough to fit the three of us.

Me: Bobby sit down. *I hand him a glass of water.* drink this.

Bobby: it’s Bobby now? What happened to “babe?”

Me: just drink it.

Bobby looks at Donghyuk and asks why he’s here with us. Donghyuk tells him that he walked me home and that he’s going to take care of the mess Bobby left behind, a.k.a me.

Bobby: I’m sorry I called you a whore. I know you’re not that kind of woman. I talked to Soo Jin, she’s done with me. I don’t know what to do. You always know what to say, she’s the love of my life and I messed it up.

He starts crying again and the words sting me. He doesn’t love me. Donghyuk sees how hard I’m trying not to cry. I look away from Bobby and grab tissues for us both. I hand him some and he wipes his face.

Bobby: I’m sorry. I know it hurts you… I just don’t know who to go to. My love for you is different, it was like I love you at the same level as her but in a different place. It was really shitty that you told her, but I get it.

Me: she needed to know the truth. Am I glad that we’re all hurting? No. Bobby to be honest I want you to love me as much as you love her but that’s not something you force out of a person. You love her but you kept me with you. You knew how much I loved you and how vulnerable I was to you. I don’t understand why you did what you did and I’m not going to try to. I cant help you with your problem, maybe you can talk to her and just be honest not only to her but to yourself as well.

I stand up and make everyone a cup of coffee. Both guys like it without milk and mildy sweet. I hand them their cups. I nurse mine while I sit on the floor next to my futon.

Me: I don’t know if she can forgive you or me. Granted I didn’t know she was in the picture to begin with. Bobby you fucked up big time. Own up to it. You both can sleep here tonight. You know where the extra mattress is. I’m going to get ready for bed and sleep. I have work and that’s more important to me than this. I can’t risk my work sucking just because I love you.

I head to the bathroom to take a shower. I can hear Donghyuk talking but I couldn’t make out his words. I put on my pajamas and slapped some moisturizer on my face. I head to my bed but the two guys look like they’re about to fight again.

Me: yo. Please stop. DongDong I’m fine, I won’t die because this asshole right here couldn’t keep it in his pants. You *points to Bobby*stop. Let’s just sleep okay? If I hear or see you two fighting, I’m going to kick you out and without your coats. Freeze to death motherfuckers.

They listen and was now fixing the extra mattress. Bobby moves to sleep next to me but Donghyuk stops him “you better not sleep beside her.” “Out of habit. Sorry.” I fix my alarm and slipped my earphones in. Hopefully I wont be late to work later.

I woke up to the smell of bacon. Donghyuk was cooking while Bobby slept on a pile of pillows separating him from me. I check my phone it was 9:30 just enough time to get ready and make it to work. I head to the bathroom to take a shower. Donghyuk asks me if I want eggs and I say yes. I get into my work clothes and put on some sunscreen. I eat as fast as I could while. Donghyuk just looks at me with sheer enjoyment. He loves it when people likes his cooking.

Me: This is amazing. Thanks DongDong, but I got to go. Mind locking up the place when the fucker wakes up?

Donghyuk chuckles and said yes.

Me: Hey no more fighting okay? You two are bros. I don’t want to be one of the reasons why you two fight.

Donghyuk: Yes noona, please eat some more.

Me: Thanks and I mean it. I don’t know what I would’ve done if you’re not here for me.

Donghyuk smiles wider and gets back to cooking more bacon for himself

I finish the food on my plate and grab my bag and my coat. I say goodbye to Donghyuk and I walk to the bus stop. I mentally made a promise that whatever happened last night wont affect my work. I cant risk losing my job over some dude who didn’t even love me right.

I got home at around 11pm to say it was a long day is a huge understatement. Both the managers for Winner overbooked them today so I was pretty exhausted from just about everything. I enter my apartment and flip on the lights. Everything was in order and no trace of the two men who stayed the night before.

I get myself ready for bed but before I could finally sleep I felt paper under my pillow. I grab it and it’s a note from Bobby, it read:

Babe *crossed out* Y/N,

I’m sorry for all the things I did and put you through. You were my escape when things got stressful and you felt like you could take the pain out of my life. I thought I was falling for you not until she came back. I’m sorry that I wasn’t the man that could make you happy. I don’t deserve your love and I don’t deserve her love for what I did to both of you. I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m sorry and I hope you forgive me.

Jiwon

I crumpled the note and threw it across the room. I try to sleep knowing the tears in my eyes wont let me.

[dauntless-dragayn]

YA BOOKS RECS

Okay -cracks knuckles- im gonna rec yall some YA books because there are so many ive found over the years

@windycube this is for u

First of all ofc I gotta put in a word for Rick Riordan, this man literally raised me He has a LOT of series but i recommend Magnus Chase and The Gods of Asgard the most, one because its meant for slightly older audiences (the mc Magnus is 16/17) and two because its wAY more diverse than his older stuff (which i still love, dearly) like Percy Jackson and the Olympians and better written than the follow up series to PJO, Heroes of Olympus MCGA is about a kid who finds out he’s the son of a Norse god and that those gods are still around and kickin, but the world is ending aaaand him and his new friends have to stop it. Sounds cheesy and super typical but, Magnus is pretty different from most protags of this kind of stuff. He’s a healer not a fighter, and his strongest traits are compassion and teamwork rather than brute strength and violence (tho there is a lot of that. Violence. Kind of par for the course. You’ll see)

NEXT is Michael Grant, who Windy already mentioned. I cannot stress enough, how much I worship Grant’s story writing capabilities. If you want dark shit, READ HIS WORK. What a lot of people don’t realize is that he helped KA Applegate write the Animorphs series and.. Thats some of the darkest kids fiction out there. Grant wrote the GONE series, which is about a town where all of the adults (over like, 15 I think? Sorry its been a while) disappear and a giant impenetrable barrier appears around a small beach town. Chaos and horrifying violence ensues. This series will depress you even as you can’t stop reading it. The characters are gold. The twists are even better. He also wrote BZRK which is a trilogy set in the future where war is fought on the nanotech level. Admittedly its been years so I dont remember much, but its also very solemn and very unique. I’d say 16+ (teen protags)

Maggie Stiefvater. Another personal hero of mine, her prose is just.. Beautiful. Poetic. Magical. She has a few series and some novels. My favorites are The Raven Cycle (series of 4), All The Crooked Saints (novel) I cant even.. Explain what theyre about. Magic surrealism, young love, the darkness of the human mind.. Theyve got everything. If you’re intrigued please please give them a shot. 16+

Alright alright now for some lesser known stuff.

If you’re into vampires.. Monster stories… surviving high school… please for the love of gods, read The Chronicles of Vladimir Todd. I seriously don’t understand how this series isnt more popular. Zac Brewer is wonderful, I love him and his work sm. Tho, I think since this series is old its still under his deadname (Heather Brewer) Basically it’s about Vlad, a half human half vampire kid, dealing with high school bs but also being hunted down for his hybrid status and.. gAH its so good. Plenty of blood. The end has casualties and still makes me cry. Pls read it im begging you

If you’re a furry and/or into badass well written female protags.. Read Cry of the Icemark. ;3 It’s got magic, warfare, and have I mentioned Thirren the mc is BADASS????? (and no, its not all furries. But there is a race of leopard people whom i love dearly) By Stuart Hill, its one of my alltime favorites. I need to reread it again

Another older one is Pendragon. It is fuckin LONG, at 10 books total, about a ‘normal’ kid named Bobby Pendragon who finds out there are other dimensions in danger and that if they fall into chaos, the entire universe will. So he and a few other ‘Travelers’ set out to fix them even as a demon Traveler tries to fuck up their progress. Starts with Bobby at 14 but sees him grow up. Again.. I know it sounds super typical but what I love is that Bobby grows bitter. He’s not a golden keep saving the day sort of protag. I wont spoil; just check it out. By DJ MacHale

I have a feeling yall dont want to hear about romance but im a hoe for it so. Legend is a trilogy by Marie Lu set in a dystopian world (which im also a hoe for) where America is divided into two warring nations. One protag is Day, a poor thief who steals to keep his family alive. The other is June, who’s the best up and start soldier the Republic has. She’s pretty rebellious tho, so she can’t be reigned in until she’s sent to track down a murderer.. Day. excepthedidntactuallydoit Star crossed lovers. Fucked up America. My kinda tea.

If you want more dystopia that doesnt suck (because bOY a lot of it does) I’ll put in a word for Divergent. You’ve probably heard of it. Oh That Hunger Games Bootleg except not. Also it’s a trilogy but who cares. The first one is my only love

Switching gears back to romance uwu Carry On by Rainbow Rowell is gAY AND MAGIC! There’s a reason why everyone raves about it; best written romance I’ve ever had the pleasure to read. And I’ve read a lot. Plus, it’s getting a sequel in a few years! She also wrote Fangirl, as well as Eleanor and Park, two adorable novels.

Switching gears completely, lemme talk about Leigh Bardugo. She wrote Six of Crows, which is this ABSOLUTELY AMAZING heist/crime/action duology. Very diverse cast. A few lgbtq+ kiddos. She also wrote the Grishaverse series but I have not yet gotten around to reading it. From what Ive heard tho its just as good - a lot more about magic and monsters tho (set in the same universe!)

Wow okay im gonna stop because this is getting long but

TLDR;

basically any of Rick Riordan’s series

GONE by Michael Grant

anything by Maggie Stiefvater

The Chronicles of Vladimir Todd by Zac Brewer (who used to be known as Heather Brewer)

Cry of the Icemark by Stuart Hill

Pendragon series by DJ MacHale

The Legend trilogy by Marie Lu

Divergent by Veronica Roth

anything by Rainbow Rowell

Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo

thank you for reading my book nerd ramblings holy shit

[groundramon]

Homph I finished tri and I wrote down my thoughts as I was watching because I had too many funny shitposts and nobody to share them with bc charlie hasn’t watched tri yet

PS i wont be reblogging tri spoilers (besides MINOR stuff like, digivolutions of already confirmed digivolution lines or non-spoilery shitposts, but I’ll try to tag shitposts as #tri spoilers anyways [digivolutions specific to tri ill tag as well but not ones that were already basically confirmed]) for a while so ur safe here!  I’m just gonna like everything/most things because then I can rb em to hisyaryumon lmao (also u should check out hisyaryumon....its me n charlie’s digimon blog)

EP 1:

- ok. alright. ok. good. they’re dealing with kari’s emotions now instead of just. nothing.  ok. alright. cool.  Still dont like how obscure/”artsy” they’re being with it, this is digimon not kagerou project, but ok.

- Also. I stand by tk and kari being one of the few good straight ships in digimon.  just saying.

- kari: this is my fault... me: god damn it shut up you little brat also me: god relatable ALSO me: ill take whatever display of emotions i can get

- I love how nobody believes tai is dead like.  They’re upset and worried but they’re also like “nah. he cant be. that fucking asshole just left us in our time of need” (actually only matt is the last one)

- Gabumon i would die for you also im crying and I think that’s the first time tri managed to make me fucking CRY

EP 2:

- I had thoughts but then the 02 kids happened and I entered another plane of reality.  I don’t feel real right now

- the only one I can remember is evil!gennai being a dumbass and being like “SUFFER AND SQUIRM YOU PATHETIC HUMANS AS YOU FIGHT OVER THE LAST SEAT” 1. humans are KNOWN for their ability to care for others you dumb obvious fuck and 2. is. is the entire tube going? because that tube can fit too people if they squish.  This isn’t a joke I’m serious it can.

- oh yeah also when i saw whomstever the fuck his name is (adult guy who i love but fuck names) and he was all bloodied i was like “its a cold day in hell when i see blood in digimon” (I think there was blood in an earlier ep but shh idc)

EP 3:

- didn’t nishijima start off as a fucking life coach to these kids.  What the fuck he was supposed to help them find a career not emotionally scar them by bloodily dying in front of one of them

- im realizing that the reason hackmon was always in his cloak, in the shadows, standing still is that they cannot animate him in any normal position for the life of him.  I drew him with better anatomy when i was 14 and didn’t have a tablet.  No seriously, look:

I didn’t say it wasn’t bad, you guys are just underestimating how bad the anatomy on this poor creature is.  Why cant ppl draw dracomon or hackmon correctly imma cry

- ordinemon has the best reaction faces

the best part about these two screenshots is that they literally cut one to the other, first the first one to the second one and then it cuts back to the first one.  They were really proud of these stupid ass expressions.

- I started overcoming my dissociation shock from the second episode and my hypercritical mind was analyzing the shit out of everything that happened (it is Not happy) but then evil!gennai called kari and evil goddess and idk if he’s exaggerating to make her feel bad or if she’s literally a fucking god of chaos and destruction and either way im like

she did kinda like.  Watch wizardmon die, watch tai die, watch gatomon get absorbed.  The dark ocean is just a metaphor for depression and honestly if 02 wasn’t all over the fucking place I think Kari would’ve had some pretty decent development in it.  Actually you know what, I’m using that as an angle to approach Tri at now, wish me luck bc i might actually give it more leeway now

EP 4:

- I’m not dissociating but I forgot to say anything again and I already forgot what happened

- Cant believe mei is fucking dead

EP 5:

- I like to imagine that Tai got there like a few minutes ago, but he was like “well damn guess yall figured it out without me.  alright ill just. see if I need to do anything” and then meicoomon was Still Bad so he waited for when she struck just to make the most badass entrance possible.  Fucking extra ass bitch

- I forgot to write anything again but uhhh I wasn’t satisfied so anyways lets just get into the Juicy Details

Originally I was actually planning to be kinder to Tri than I expected.  Was very invested during it.  ‘Round the end of the last ep I realized hmmm no this isn’t working out.  Where are the 02 kids.  You should’ve brought them in to save the day.  That would’ve been SO cool and SO fun.  Fucking cowards.

god I’m kinda tired so I’m going to address a couple things I still had problems with, note that this isn’t everything it’s just everything I felt comfortable yelling about without rewatching past eps.  Like I forgot nishijima was all bloodied and presumably died in the last part until they brought it up and I was like “????” ALSO DID THE LADY WHO WAS HIS PARTNER OR W/E KILL HERSELF WITH THE GUN SHE FOUND, I JUST REALIZED LITERALLY AS I WAS TYPING THIS THAT SHE FOUND A GUN AND THEN I THINK IT CUT TO BLACK AND I’M

DID SHE FUCKING KILL HERSELF WHAT THE FUCK

anyways my problems:

1. They did joe. really dirty.  I’ll write a more proper rant on this sometime later (mostly bc charlie is MUCH better at talking about joe than I am) but basically I can tell you that his character development in the movies squandered his OG character development.  He’s basically an entirely different person.  Like Tri joe isn’t bad, besides being largely neglected (yes he has a whole half a movie to himself, no that doesn’t make up for it all), its just...not OG joe.  He’s a fine character just not the same character, and its NOT fine when you put the two together.

2. THEY DID THE 02 KIDS EVEN DIRTIER IM SO BITTER sorry you nostalgia-blind, money-hungry fucks at bandai, but the 02 cast is PART OF THE ADVENTURES UNIVERSE.  The only people who hate 02 are ones who like the characters but hate the mess of the storyline at the end, or are completely irrational and elitist about their love of the digimon series and would greatly re-evaluate their opinions if they watched the original series and 02 back to back.  They couldn’t even show them in some kind of group montage at the end??? Standing in the background when they call Mei???  Why couldn’t they call mei from a home phone also, but that’s a less important problem idc that much.  It was a cute scene besides the lack of 02 characters.  Whatever.  AND THE PROBLEM IS LIKE kari and tk?  This entire time???  Were like “oh they disappeared. oops” instead of being frantically searching for their lost friends???  Like i get tk and kari probably have fucking ptsd and can’t express any emotions because they watched important people die in front of their eyes at an incredibly young age but also 1. they didn’t address the ramifications of ptsd, so fuck that theory/excuse and 2. THAT??? WOULD ONLY MAKE THEM LOOK HARDER??? and put on a brave face as they look, but inside they’re so scared and so worried.  Not just “oh sweet, they were found/saved, theyre in the hospital but that’s fine” like WHAT theyre fucking assholes if that’s what they’d canonically do lmao.  God I am SO bitter over the ENTIRE thing with the 02 kids, it would’ve been BETTER if they were deleted from the fucking canon entirely.  Would I have still been bitter?  Yes.  But at least I wouldn’t be madder at TK and Kari too.

3. I stand 100% by the notion that Digimon is not and will never be cut out to be an adults’ franchise.  It wasn’t designed for adults, and it can’t be skewered towards adults.  These particular characters were designed for kids to relate to and find entertaining.  They do not work when placed into an adult setting.  Like, can you imagine a character like Ed from FMA going to the Digimon world?  I guess in a way that’s just Marcus but like.  Just imagine the FMA cast in Digimon Adventure.  It doesn’t work.  Digimon Tri is basically that except real.  Also Data Squad was darker than Adventure so my joke doesn’t even work.

I guess my primary point is that Tri isn’t mature enough of a setup for an adult audience.  It puts a focus on being “complex” and “philosophical” instead of working within Digimon’s constraints and making something good and adult out of that.  Like!  Digimon is a fucking TOY COMMERCIAL.  Don’t give me messages about the futility of human life.  I want bad puns and emotional characters.  That’s what Digimon has ALWAYS been, and ideally always will be.  Tri could’ve made itself more mature by dealing with the ramifications of the Digital World’s events, how it affected the kids psychologically and dealing with healing old scars.  It would’ve been a more mature take on a story we loved and would use things we loved about the story already - the fact that it took so much time exploring characters’ emotions and was surprisingly mature for the time - to make itself better.  You need to take the aspects that drew adults to the show and amplify them, not just slap on a complex story and unfunny dialogue and be like “oh this is fine, right?”

It’s not that Digimon can’t exist as an adult property, its just that if it repeats what Tri did, it’s got no merit and in my eyes the franchise is dead.  If it survives I guess I’ll be happy that people can still enjoy it but I find it unsustainable and unsatisfying to fans of the older series.  Tri is just a fuckfest of highly specific nostalgia that tries too hard to appeal to old fans without capturing what made the original series so magical, and in part thats because the original series WASN’T FOR ADULTS.  I don’t know about the Digimon Story games, bc they’re T-rated so perhaps they’re a better take on an adult Digimon story than Tri?  But you either need to make your own characters and lore specifically for an adult-oriented Digimon season, or perish.  Also, please make it a series and not a group of movies.  Getting four eps every 6-9 months was hell.

I stand by saying Appmon is a more faithful Digimon season than Tri to Digimon’s original spirit.  I believe it holds more potential for success than Tri and better embodies the spirit of the older Digimon seasons.  It’s dumb, its corny, it has horrible puns, but I LOVE it because it also has a deep dark story and emotional moments.  If you dislike Tri and you agree with things I said that make it unlikeable, I highly recommend giving Appmon a chance - if you watch a few episodes and think “oh yeah, I guess this is decent” you’re going to like it.  It’s everything Digimon has always been and hopefully always will be, just with a different concept.  And hopefully the end of the series doesn’t leave a sour taste in my mouth and I have to redact this statement haha since I’m not done with it yet, but I’ve heard good things about it so I’m hoping not so.

Overall, if you watch Tri, don’t get your hopes up.  It resolves everything okay-ish but it’s a pretty forgettable anime on its own and simply doesn’t work as part of the Digimon franchise.

I am, however, pretty interested in what evil!gennai said at the end about Diaboromon and Daemon.  It raises interesting questions about the timeline too.  We know Daemon is in the dark ocean, so perhaps that’s a hint at a future project?  (They did confirm a future project btw, in conjunction with tri being over)  But what about Diaboromon?  I dont believe that Our War Game (I think thats what its called?) took place after Tri, based on the outfits and ages and stuff, but I also don’t remember the movies that well.  Could Diaboromon still be out there too?  It’s interesting.

However, because of the lackluster performance of Tri, I don’t have my hopes up and I really hope that this “next project” goes in a different direction.  Although I guess if they include the 02 kids, I’ll be somewhat less salty...

Side note, did they ever explain why the gennais went evil?  Like ?  That’s a pretty important thing.  The gennais helped SAVE the human world in 02.  And I get that apparently Tri is ignoring 02′s ending but still.  It’s shitty, because Gennai was still a good guy in the original too (and also they cant just keep is younger look and act like 02 never happened)  MAYBE its something I missed but I dont think so.  God there’s just.  So much wrong with Tri.  I’m very displeased and very bitter and I wanna get back to Appmon asap.

It’s got good moments, its got bad moments, I dont know, I don’t care.  There’s nothing wrong with you if you like it, there’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t, and there’s nothing wrong with you if you flip flop and are split like me.  I just wish Tri fulfilled its potential instead of becoming a boring mess.

[kitsuhe]

i wanna rant about my shitty grandparents (mostly grandfather for now) and how my parents didnt deserve any of this.

a side story of how my parents met: my mom was from China and worked in a cafe (with lodging) for years. she wanted to leave china because the marriage laws werent very good to women, they didnt have a lot of rights, and people can just get married and divorced on a whim, and so a marriage there would make her feel very insecure.

she saw loads of men with fancy motorcycles they probably borrowed flirting with the waitresses and getting them pregnant even though some of those men were married already. she saw loads of waitresses in and out of the job, and so she willed to never give in to the flirtations and worked at the cafe till she was around 26.

my father’s boss was in that area once in a while and frequented that cafe. he noticed my mom who always remained there and was like hey she seemed to be a nice woman and so he introduced her to his son, aka my fathers colleague.

according to my mom, the son was a wishy-washy man who couldnt make up his mind. they went for a few dates and things werent really clicking. my father, however, said ‘i want her’ when he saw her and so the choice was made, they started dating, and she went back to china for the time being. they then maintained a long distance relationship with phone calls, and one year later she came to singapore and got married. 

cute, right?

then the in-laws hell, aka my grandparents begun.

and now my father’s backstory, first:

he was the classic example of the scapegoat i think. out of his siblings (an older brother, a younger brother, and a younger sister), he was the one my grandparents hated the most. ‘hated’ isnt even an exaggeration, apparently hey did tell him explicitly that he was the one they hated the most. A+ parenting yall. when in school, while his siblings get 50cents and 30cents (in order of favouritism), he got 20cents or none. they didnt care about the education of their kids, and so my dad dropped out at P3 (9 years old) and the others all within primary school age. my aunt may have went further though, im not sure.

when he started working at 13, my grandma would wait at the door everytime he got his salary and took all of it away. i dont think he got to keep any of it. she gambled quite often and spent loads of money.

it was from these incredibly unfair xperiences on childhood that my dad swore he would treat and spoil his kids and not show favouritism.

my parents got married years later, and basically everyone in my extended family h a t e d my mom, despite it being entirely non-justified because my mom is a freaking wonderful woman who isnt afraid of hardwork. Because my mom came from china, im presuming that its some mixture of xenophobia and racism that made them say that my mom was only here to mooch off my dad, and treat her like shit, until they didnt as they finally opened their eyes.

over here, all men have to go through compulsory national serivce, and my dad was no exception. after serving the 2 years they have to go back periodically for reservist training. this is the background info for this incident im going to repeat from my mother.

after she got married over here, my dad still had to go for reservist training. they only had a limited amount of time to use the phone after one entire week. my mom called him, talked to him as his wife, before uncle2 (the younger brother) interruppted her and told her to stop using the phone. assuming that he had an emergency,  my mom quickly finished and hung up, my dad losing his rare few minutes to talk to his wife.

then uncle2 didnt use the phone.

god fucking damn it.

an example of unfair treatment: uncle1 had a different wife at that time. while my mom cooked entire meals for the family (they were living with my grandparents and uncle2 and probably aunt at that time) while being pregnant, when it came to be her birthday, my grandma didnt give her a red packet (gift of money). ‘im an old woman who hasnt worked for years, i have no money’.

then when it came to uncle1′s wife, who had never cooked any food and only got takeaways when she visited, she got a big shiny red packet from my grandma.

yeah, what the hell. my mom said she was very upset about this and cried. god, she was surrounded by people who hated her and yet she still worked so hard for them, she genuinely doesnt deserve this.

heres another thing about my grandma: apparently she gambled so often she oftently went to genting to gamble and the money all came from her kids. yeah. .

(my dads a chef, uncle1 is a mechanic, uncle2 is a part timer with no set jobs, and aunt is unknown.)

then i was born. my mom wasnt a citizen, and had to pay a lot of money to stay in the most expensive hospital word. the rare good thing my grandpa did was to fork out $2000 for her to have me. one day, if i can and he isnt dead yet, i will pay him back. ‘thats your coffin money’ i will say. ‘im not obligated to you anymore please leave my life forever’ i want to say.

looking back at the thick stack of photo albums, things appeared to be all happy and fun. people were smiling in the pictures, and i was showered in love and affection from everyone. it is only recently that i came to learn of the shit my parents went through under them.

i was also a lively and boisterous child who had no concept of day and night, it was almost enough to scare my parents into not having my siblings. nonetheless, my sister came into existence.

picture this: my dad looking all frazzled and tired as he took care of a wild toddler at the hospital without sleeping for 3 days straight, and my mom in labour, waiting to give birth. the nurse asked why wasnt anyone there to help out? 

my mom said that was the only time she had ever seen my dad cry. my sister, my mom, and i all teared up as she recounted this.

it was then they swore to move out and not to rely on anyone ever again. the house i am in now is paid entirely by my parents.

my sister was born, and eventually, they moved out before my brother was born.

when they moved out, my grandma shouted at them ‘dont come back! i hope you die!’

at one point, or perhaps distance made the heart grow fonder, my grandparents and uncles started to treat my mom very nicely, realising that they were utterly wrong to judge and treat her that way at the beginning. thats why they treat her so nicely now, my mom explained. it is also the reason why my grandma always brought kuehs and chocolate cake over when she visited, subsequently developing my dislike of chocolate cake and neutrality towards chocolate at best. at this point im pretty sure they all like my mom more than my dad.

my aunt learnt her lesson in the form of receiving discrimination and hatred she once showed to my mom upon being married to a family of university graduates, and her only graduating secondary school. she wasnt as well-educated, and so after sharing my moms pain of being the hated daughter in law she finally learnt empathy and started being nice.

my grandpa too was a convert. he came over everyday to help out with chores and to take care of us. perhaps when we were all young the help was truly needed back then, but then some events made everyone question his motives...

i remember him fetching me from kindergarten every day every time. i wondered why my dad never did, and was happy on the occasions he did. it is only years later that i learnt that my grandpa hogged all those times to fetch us (my siblings and i). he outright refused to let my parents especially my dad to fetch us. on the occasions that my dad came, he threw a tantrum and went home. my dad was visibly upset as he recount this to us. ‘it felt like he was keeping my kids away from me’ he said. he has taken so much from my dad, and now even his kids???? im so upset on his behalf??

it genuinely feels like hes controlling everyone around him.

he is still coming over every single day, and from what i can tell he is incredibly passive aggressive and can never be satisifed with my dad. i dread his arrival.

for example, he refuses to eat anything my dad cooked. my dad, a known chef. once my dad made a noodle dish for dinner, he told my dad oh i cant eat noodles for dinner.

cue him eating the noodles my mom cooked for dinner.

cue him getting noodles for takeaway for dinner.

these days whenever my dad cooks for dinner we just give him money for takeaway.

speaking of leaving that ungrateful old bastard money, he also takes issue with my dad for this somehow. my dad left a note saying that thats his dinner money on the table, and he felt that it was so disrespectful he went to my moms workplace which is near where he lives and complained to her.

meanwhile my mom did the exact same thing and he had zero complaints.

when my dad fell asleep in my brothers room with my brother in it, he walked in and deliberately talked at the top of his lungs about some trivial matter that never came up in the years of living here.

the creepy amount of adoration he shows my mom is also apparent in how he would follow my tired sweaty mom after shes home from work  everywhere to talk and yabber on about irrelevant things. she was obviously busy and wanted to be left alone, but hey that POS never cared about what anyone ever thought or wanted if its in conflict to what he wants. sometimes she had to close the door just to get him to leave her alone, and once he just opened the door and continued talking. my dad was enraged, he said he almost went to start a fight with him, and he would especially if my mom was in the midst of changing at the time.

once my dad brought him to the doctor. ‘so what did they say’ he would ask my dad repeatedly over and over again after seeing the doctor. ‘you are fine, and if anything happens the doctor will inform us to go to the hospital’.

he went to complain to my mom at her workplace that my dad was cursing at him to get in the hospital.

once he was nosey and opened up our mailbox, and when he found some letters addressed to my dad he slammed the pile of letters next to him on the sofa. wtf

god, its like no matter what my dad does he will NEVER be happy.

a while ago he lent his children money, and said oh its not lending hes giving them money with no strings attached, no interest at all. my dad took some for renovation, and this info will come into play later.

and so life continues on with his insistence to tidy and clean my house, with zero regards to anyones wishes. if someone so much as point out that he isnt doing something right, he would exaggerate his actions and ask and repeat.

heres the incident that triggered the Revelations:

my grandpa asked my sister if she still wanted a donut while holding it in his entire hand, as in his entire hand was clutched around the donut. visibly disgusted, my sister said no, she didnt want it. in an act of passive aggressiveness, he placed the donut and only the donut directly in the fridge. not on a plate no nothing.

my mom wrote him a note in response: my daughters are having national examinations soon, and my husband has to wake at 5am to go to work, and he doesnt have enough rest. it would be preferable if you do not make as much noise so they can study and rest properly. i am saying this here, it doesnt matter if you help with the chores or not, it is entirely up to you and we will not blame you if you choose to rest and watch tv instead. you will always have a meal and you dont need to worry about anything else. hope you can understand.

in response, he wrote back: i have read all your words, and there is no need to worry. from november, i will no longer be coming over. i want your husband to return me the renovation money. from: dumb dad (thats what he calls himself in notes)

first of fucking all: wow hes not even acknowledging that my dad is his son. second of all, hes using the money to control my parents and guilt them wtf

this incident got kinda big in the sense that my aunt got involved. my aunt, the golden child, called to stage an intervention.

she called my siblings and i privately, without my parents knowledge. she asked me:

‘are you aware that he has hearing issues and cannot tell that hes being loud?’

‘can you cope with his average noise level?’

‘is he actually disturbing you guys?’

of course i am aware. i am used to it. i am not sure why my mom wrote about the noisy part, could be the fact that he refused to let my dad rest. to which i answered:

‘yes i am aware, no he is not that noisy’

and in a nicer way, i told her ‘frankly the issue is his character, that he is a pos shit i cant stand and after knowing what he did to my parents especially my dad i dont want him in my life at all i dont want him to come over anyways’

‘how much would you say that its mostly his fault that there is conflict or is your dad making a big deal out of nothing?’

i bit my tongue and said its my grandpa 95% of the time. there are one or two occasions that i would say my dad is over reacting.

then she went on and on about how she has to balance both perspective and pick the best outcome, and there are two sides etc etc

what fucking two sides i wanted to ask. my parents literally did nothing wrong. he was the hand that clutched at the donut and squished it.

eventually, she yelled at him and to serious disappointment hes coming over again.

a little interlude about my aunt: she complained to my mom afterwards (im surrounded by snitches) that i am not very respectful about my grandpa, that i am lazy and didnt help around the house often (i tidied and cleaned my room frequently, and if my mom ask me to do chores i would. theres an agreement that i should just concentrate on my studies and she will take care of the chores). i stay in my room all the time and didnt come out when my relatives came over. (listen, theres nothing for me. my cousins are ur typical boys that i cant talk to, they hog the xbox and scream about fifa all the time, im not exactly interested in the adults conversations).

my mom defended me, yall. even my aunt has to concede that im a decent person.

and my mom told me she didnt actually agree with the way shes raising my cousins. they were told to never question my aunt and uncle, and their orders are orders. my parents didnt agree, they believed in reason. for everything they tell us to do, there is a legit reason behind it, and we can question them. my mom want us to do well so that she can prove that shes right all along.

my brother recall asking the cousins why my relatives didnt allow them to do certain things and they just shrugged.

well, thats a bet i am willing to participate in.

back to my grandpa.

my parents reasoning is that as compared to taking revenge and stop contacting him, they rather treat him decently no matter what, knowing deep down they has always did their best.

due to the way healthcare works here, my dad shouldered most of the hospital bill and healthcare when his parents were in the hospital. because #asianvalues, they never did thank him or appreciate him.

either my parents or my aunt said they are scared that if we do anything too drastic like refusing him to come here, he will go senile and demented. as he is now he has a clear enough mind to remain a dickbag to my dad.

well, i wasnt exactly close to him, or as close as he deluded himself to think. i wasnt exactly patient with him, in the sense that i kinda have to raise my voice to communicate with him pretty often. heres the complicated relationship between languages: he speaks mostly teochew, and some chinese. we are expected to understand him when he speaks chinese to get across something, but somehow when i speak my perfectly accurate chinese back at him he understands nothing. he will smile stupidly at me, nodding as if he understood.

you fake old man. you understood nothing. i dont want to bother. i am mean for saying this. i hate your pretenses. quit acting like you understand.the conversations between us are fruitless and useless and has zero point. just now, you saying while im eating dinner that ‘you should give me 50 dollars. look at me, i have nothing. ahahahahaha’

i ignored him, as my cold shoulders got colder.

‘your mother did give me $120, i actually have money. what a good girl’

just, what the fuck is he on about. why are you even asking me for money when you have it. this is the exact type of inane pointless conversations you have. i dont even want to dignify that with a response.

he went to my sister, 3 meters away from me, and said the exact same thing.

my sister: [turning her pockets inside out] i have no money

him, repeating what he said , and adding on ‘you are a good girl, your sister is bad, she didnt want to give me money’ 

what the fuck. hes still talking to us like we are 5. he always treat us like were 5. once i facepalmed and he told me not to do that i will give myself brain damage. i proceed to whack my forehead 4 times, each whack resounding loud and clear.

god, i really dont want to interact with him. theres guilt niggling at me that i shouldnt treat him like this, pretending he doesnt exist as much as possible. then i remember what he did to my dad, and also kinda my mom, and something in me says ‘he doesnt deserve a relationship with his grandchildren for treating his own son like this’.

god, how do i get him to understand that i dont want anything to do with him? that i hate him? i stop calling him ‘grandpa’, only referring to him as that. i dont greet him when he come over anymore.

a few days? weeks? ago he said as he walked out of my room: ‘i still love you the most.’

thats the problem aint it? favouritism. and we all know you favour my brother the most, which i dont mind. i want you to stop doting on me, i want you to pretend i dont exist too. not in the way where you blatantly talk and criticise someone to somebody in front of the person you are criticising. 

when is karma ever coming for you?

nothing but you mattered to you, you dipshit. you never cared about how others may feel. you always did things your own way, you treat people whatever the hell you want to.

i visited you in the hospital after the operation on your balls, you were so happy afterwards you gave me a $50. i still wish i hadnt visited, you disgusting person. i wish i can give you the $50 back, but i think, ill keep it. i will treat it as a woeful attempt to ‘reward’ me for my love and affections. i will keep the money knowing that your love is not returned. cruel of me, but so were you.

i dont think there will ever be a resolution. i wont cry at your funeral, i will try not to. i did for my grandma, but that was before i knew the truth.

my mom told me it is undeniable that my relatives all doted and loved me. i want to reject your love. i want the right to not be loved.

[zeynepbal]

2 days ago at umeda station, while rushing to buy sweets for the people graduating from our dept, I saw a funny walking pigeon around. At first I smiled but then I felt so bad since I kind a understood what was the problem. The closer I got the worse felt I. Because there were some dirt lapped around its ankle and it was trying to walk with it. Since I had no chance to catch it and clean that dirt, my eyes brimmed with tears. I know what s next. It will lose its claws and will become a cripple. That feeling of pity I still cannot get over.

I have always been a person like this, when something is so funny for people, I always am thinking what if next? This may be why I dont like to make fun of people’s outlook or feelings. To The situations or experiences I can laugh at hard but other cases no. To me only The things I can make fun of myself, is applicable for other people. However unless they are okay with those, I ll get it and will never make fun of.

This is some how an okayish personality I think.

But I do never get people who make fun of other people’s feelings or outlook. You can never know what causes that person to feel that way etc.

When I was growing up I saw girls bragging about how many boys were into them and classifying them as their families’ social status, popularity, money and handsomeness. I remember a day, their asking me to join them while I was reading my book and eating my lunch during lunch break. I went next to them, I didnt get why they were so cruel, I didnt smile at all and told them I needed to keep on reading and left them with in 5 minutes. The stuff I heard I observed I saw caused me to be kind a distant to people. So they got me and it was never a topic when we were together even when we became good friends.

I also saw boys categorizing the girls due to their leg lenght, ass, beauty, sexiness instead of their having a good heart or etc. Neither in junior high/high school nor in university, I attended any of those beauty contests altho there was a pressure on me in university to attend one. I was like “I dont like that stuff where people are categorizing women and men due to their outlook”. Altho it was something that I might have had to attend because of the “the most populars should attend” rule and it might have had understood as I was afraid of competing, I didnt give a damn shit.

When I was a primary school student there was an entrance exam for special type of high schools which educates in english only (there were others also like in french and german and only science schools) and in order to have the chance to attend those 7year long high schools you had to have a nearly perfect GPA in primary school and you had to do well in central exams. So when we enrolled into those high schools we were 10 years old. During our education they divided the ecam into two parts and gave a chance to people to enter into those high schools after junior high also. So when I was at 9th grade there were new comers. Since they got to know me durşng 9th grade most of the new comers thought I was a very cold distant and arrogant person (thanks to icq that I was able to learn how they were feeling about me at least. Because our high school had a group in icq to share documents etc and I was helping people with an annonymous name so they were starting chatting with me. So in the end when they learnt that I was Zeynep Bal they were like -omg? Can it be true. You are so distant always that I wasnt able to look at your face to say hi. You are always in the mood of I created the whole universe. And I was smiling in front of the screen and telling them no it s just how I seem and telling them to ask me to other people who knew me for more than 3-4 years so they could tell them how clown I was.-

The point is, I was also so crystal clear when I first started high school that they hecked me so nice with lots of misunderstandings that I had a defense mechanism against those newcomers instead of against the people who hecked me well. I was kust trying not to show true myself to those people in order them not to break me apart also. Some kind of a defense mechanism. Since I saw how people can be mean and rude. During university education I think since it was METU, we were all a like and I wasnt put into a class of people that I had to get on well, so I chose my friends by myself. That I had a fairly nice collage life. I was staying away from the people who judge or make fun of others due to their feelings or outlook. This time it was only me my books my close friends and my car. Whenever I wanted to run away from people I had the chance to drive far away, to a place next to mountains read my book and drink my cup of tea or hot choco etc. So I got used to show my trueself to people again because they were the ones that I chose them to be around.

But there still were some people (知り合い) which you cannot escape to know if you are known a lot, who were making fun of people like

“See that guy eww he likes me 気持ち悪い” etc. Or some guys doing similar stuff to girls. I was listening and asking them “how do you know that that person likes you?” And they were telling me “because he or she cares a lot, gets red while speaking with them etc”

I was smiling silently and telling them they really might be very wrong. But wasnt explaining my reasons.

Still I think like that. Because any one can be like me. To Any person you can ask I still am getting reddish to my ears when someone I respect/dont know/like(as a friend) tells me something good, compliments me or gives me presents (even a candy) because I especailly find it embaressing to hear those good words about me (I am even red now while writing this). And similar stuff happens when I do the same thing to people. After Giving presents while that person (even a close friend) is thanking me I get red. So this doesnt mean anything

“Caring too much” It s something in my genes I think. Even to the people at high school who broke me, cursed me, hurt me many times, I was always caring. When they broke their arma legs or when they were sick etc, I was the one who tried to help them. Not in order to be friends again but because I was a human being. And caring doesnt always mean that that person even likes you as a human. When they were excluded from class, since I was against that kind of stupidity I always chose to support them. And misunderstood again. People thought I dont like the people in the class etc. No I dont like the “exclusion system and was trying to tell them not to do”

2days ago while I was walking to school I saw 2 bugs with in leaves trying to save themselves because they were upside down. I took a leaf and put them next to a tree. Of course I cant save all the bugs to be smashed under the feet of people but I saw them so I cared for them. Because i thought I might be this bug. Who can know how the universe works? Who can know if I ll be here in this world again and this time as a bug. I just start feeling like that person or a living thing when ever I saw some one or a living thing in a bad situation and I feel the pain. I just cannot stop myself so I help or care for them. Can you say that I am in love with that bug?

I think no

I grew up with the word “behave people in a way that you want them to behave to you. But just dont expect them to be in the same way” I got the first one. But didnt learn the 2nd sentence. This is why I am broken easily.

When my kindness, friendliness etc is misunderstood I dont get it. I start thinking thinking thinking until I get sick and cry everyday meaninglessly.

Then I heal suddenly one day and keep on doing mistakes again.

What I want from kami sama this year is just send people to me who are just like me in heart. Otherwise breathing is really hard.

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen, a Twilight fanfic [part 6]

Meant to get this done a while ago, but I’ve got a new job and it’s been keeping me busy. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this chapter; it’s probably the most action-packed one yet. 

Content warnings for this chapter include more (attempted) rape, a consensual sex scene (not described), and some violence. And a hell of a lot of nonsense that may hurt your brain if you think about it too hard.

Recap: Tiaa competed in, and won, a school talent contest. Edward was very impressed with her, but Tiaa was still angry about him rejecting her advances back in chapter 4, so she yelled at him and then went and had a cry.

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

AN - dnt all just attack me for the things writen in this chapter about Tiaas parents, i havent explaned everything yet an it will make more sense later. 

Which probably means it will make no sense now, but we’ll see.

Chapter 6 - the curse

-Oh ewdard with your skin so white Your eyes like amber out of sight Pale angel in my eyes Hair like gold rosy sunrise-

That’s a hell of a poem, but maybe you should stick to prose.

I read the words of my poem out quietly. I had written a poem about Edward, i just couldnt help myself. I hated myself for doing it but i couldnt get him out of my mind and it was the only way i could deal with my feelings. 

Soddenly my mind went black and i felt into a trance. 

In my original version of the MST I made a comment here about Tiaa needing therapy and antipsychotics. I would have reproduced it as-is, but I don’t wanna seem like I’m making light of mental illness; that being said, as someone who goes to therapy and takes antipsychotics, this girl could use some professional medical attention. Like, pronto.

A tall pale man stood in front of me all ghosty and misty like he was only half there. 

It was… VLODEMORT AND DA DETH DEALERS!!11!1

"my daugher? My daughter?" he moaned 

"who are you?" i wispa quietly

"i am your FATHER! 

That’s a real shocker after he just called her his daughter.

I AM CAIUS FROM THE VOLTURI! 

Not positive why he’s screaming this part, but I’ll go with it.

Your in terror and peril my daugher! 

God I fucking love this author’s use of the English language.

Beware the vampire boy called edward!" 

"why?" I said

"you mussent let him sex you or the curse your mother tried to protect you from will fall on you...you'll become a VAMPIRE! 

Uh… what? Lemme dissect this.

Tiaa’s dad is a vampire. Presumably her mom was not, though I get the feeling mom may not have been human either. Human/vampire hybrids are an established thing in the Twilight universe, and Tiaa clearly isn’t one (just for starters, she’s apparently been aging at a normal rate, as opposed to the highly accelerated pace at which human/vampire hybrids mature), so let’s assume her mom has some other supernatural shit going on. There’s a curse involved, so let’s say she’s a witch or similar. 

Why the hell would there be a curse on Tiaa that makes her turn (presumably irreversibly) into a vampire if she has sex with a vampire? Who caused this? What’s going on? Is it specifically Edward who’s dangerous to her, or would any other vampire pose the same threat? What is defined as “sex” here? Vaginal intercourse?

What a weird plot twist. Moving the hell on.

And you will never be safe! Only as a human can you be safe from them..." 

Wait, safe from who? Why would being human make her safer? Would she be targeted specifically for being nonhuman if she were to become a vampire? Why?

then he faded and I was awake and uncle larry was standing at my door.

"take ur clothes off now you moldy slut!" said uncle larry and he smiles horribly with his yellow teeth

Geez, Uncle Larry, at least do something about the mold first.

"no i wont" i screamed but uncle larry came over and hit me. I was strong for my size but he was a huge fat man like 300 pounds in weight and stronger than me. 

Oh, okay, so we finally get a sense of how big and strong Uncle Larry is compared to Tiaa. Presumably Atlantiana “strong and graceful like the running anti-lopes” Rebekah Loren is faster than this guy, though. I feel like she might still be able to outmaneuver him.

He took my clothes off and chained me to the bed. 

Where did the chains come from? Did Uncle Larry bring them with him or do Dave and Marie keep bondage equipment in the house?

I new he was going to rape me again. 

That’s an impressive deduction.

But at that moment someone came running into the room and hit uncle larry across the head with a stick and knocks him out cold. Uncle larry laid there bleeding and i looked up at...EDWARD!

I was gonna make a totally different comment here but it actually just struck me (pun not intended) that this is the most in-character Edward has been yet. If you read Twilight, there’s actually a scene where he saves Bella from a group of guys attempting to corner and assault her. His mind-reading ability and stalker tendencies both come in handy here; it’s not a stretch to imagine he might be hanging about in the vicinity of Tiaa’s house, and he would be able to read Uncle Larry’s mind and know what Larry planned on doing to Tiaa. As ridiculous as him conveniently busting in at the nick of time might seem, it’s exactly the sort of thing he’d do.

"omg my sweet lady" he cried! "what has this frightful asshole been doing to thee?"

Never mind, apparently he didn’t actually read Uncle Larry’s mind, or he would have known what the frightful asshole (great phrase) had been doing to Tiaa. So we’re back to the scene making no sense. 

"he's been raping me and hitting me" i weeped sadly as edward unchained me and i put my clothes on. Edward turned away whale I dressed so he wasnt perving on me, and he looked down at the poem I had wroten.

"for truth!these are the most beautiful words I have ever seen, it makes me feel so very moved" he cried "i wish i wasnt promised to someone else then i could write poems for thee" 

Edward, man, you’re coming up on 100 years old. You’ve been going through the educational system over and over again for decades. Surely you’ve read some good poetry (by which I mean “surely you’ve read the one or two good poems to have been written in the history of poetry, one of which is definitely ‘The Emperor of Ice Cream’ by Wallace Stevens”) in your time on this earth.

"why are u promised to bella anyways" i ask

"Be cause i made a promise and i cant' break it, it would be rude and ungentalmanly. 

Promised because he made a promise. Got it.

Bella never used to be like she is now,when i fist met her she was sweet and shy and was never nasty about everybody but she has changed and so have her freinds. I dont know watt made her change, maybe it is mine fault, she just seems angry all the time now."

That’s what happens when a Mary Sue shows up in your story! Canon characters start acting really weird to allow the Sue to fill a specific role that would otherwise not exist!

"Yah that makes sense I guess" i said.

We left the house and went to walk in the woods. We talked about loads of things and it turned out we had a lot in comnon. We liked all the same music and movies and books and stuff, it was like magic.

I actually think one of the perks of dating a vampire would be being able to pick his brain about pop culture through the ages. Like, it’d be really cool to talk about hip youth culture with someone who has been masquerading as a hip young person for over fifty years; that’s gotta be a unique perspective. But what the hell are the odds of a teenager in the 2000s matching interests perfectly with someone who’s lived through the entire 20th century?

"you know maybe bella is unhappy be cause you guys are not in love like u used to be, and u should brake up with her so she can move on and your can both be happy" i say

…see, now that’s actually completely solid relationship advice.

"she all ways used to say that shed kill herself if I left her. I could not be responsable for her death! 

Uh, her depression (and/or manipulative tendencies?) isn’t his responsibility. On the other hand, though, this is in-character for Edward.

I just don't get what has happened to her she used to be nice and sweet like thou my lady. 

I feel like Edward isn’t very good at judging when a girl is “nice and sweet.”

And now i am falling in love with thou and it is all such a darn mess!" He hit a tree in frustration and it broke. 

This author’s frequent use of purple prose only makes it funnier when she describes something as minimally as this. “It broke.” Brilliant.

He was so strong, i guess cause he was a vampire.

Yeah, could be why.

"your falling in love with me?" i ask, my cheeks going all red and my heart starting to sore

Girl, you okay?

"omg, forget I said that!" he looked relay embarassed and it was so cute. He had a big erection too. 

Did this boy just get a hard-on from punching a tree?

I retched out and grabbed his hard throbbing male object. 

I am literally imploring you to use the word “penis” instead.

We couldn't controll ourselves any more and we both fell down on the floor and got naked and made love. It was amazing and lasted hours and I had never been so happy in my life i felt like i coud die with happines. 

These two have some impressive stamina considering it’s the first time for both of them. I mean, I guess Edward is a vampire, and Tiaa is... Tiaa, but still.

But after a while edward started to freak out and cry.

Yeah, he’s like that.

"I HAVE BEEN SUCH A FOOL!" he screamed "i should not have let that hapen! 

I’ll cut the guy some slack for being eternally seventeen years old, which probably doesn’t come with the best impulse control, but… they had sex for hours, and he only just now started to realize his mistake? 

I hope thee can forgive me, i must return to Bella!" and he ran away.

I could not believe it. It was like my world was caving in all about me. i was so socked and angry i could not even cry or scream. 

It’s not really shocking, honestly. The entire story has been about Edward’s inability to make up his goddamn mind over whether or not to leave Bella. I’d be angry too, because the constant waffling back and forth is pretty annoying, but… oh, hang on, that actually says she was socked, not shocked. Never mind.

But as i lay there i started to fell diferent, like RELAY diferent. I suddenly remembed watt my father had said to me about not making sex with edward or he woud turn me into a vampire! 

Yeah, it’s pretty easy to forget randomly blacking out and having a vision of your vampire dad. That’s the sort of thing that happens so often it’s hard to keep track.

My skin was getting all hard and pale and my eyes could suddenly see a lot clearer than before! I could hear lots of little noises even form relay far away. I even wanted to drink blood!

She’s turning into Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.

and i could smell a human comin closer, he was almost here

"There you are you horrid SLUG" it was uncle larry "where have u been? I'm goin to rape u now!”

Well, that’s some real authentic-sounding rapist dialogue.

Also, if you remember my comment from earlier about placing bets on which chapter Uncle Larry dies horribly in, and you bet on chapter 6, congrats! You don’t win anything. I’m out of confetti.

Something in me snaped. I jumped at him and broke his neck and drank his blood! 

I don’t normally condone vampirism, but in this case — you go, girl! Give ‘em what for!

i had always ben strong for my size but now i was SUPER strong!He looked so surprised and it was so GOOD! Soon i dropped him on the floor and he was...dead!

I woulda thought he’d have died once his neck was broken, but if she has enough technique to keep him alive to suffer even with a broken neck, more power to her.

Next chapter

[r-herring]

The Rules for Lovers Chapter 11 (aka hell chapter) in GIFs

I usually write out my thoughts/reactions to a chapter as I go to make writing AO3 comments easier. However, it soon became clear to me that my reactions to chapter 11 are best expressed in GIF form, so I’m going to go ahead and post my comments here.

Thanks, @adreamingsongbird for ripping out my heart. I don’t need it to live. 

Under cut for spoilers (and length). 

So, first off, I see the minor character death tag. Chapter 10 has taught me to be wary of said tag. 

Vicchan death in detail and Yuuri being grief stricken and confused over his loss and the loss of his MIL. Feels right off the bat. Okay. 

“Please don’t cry,” Viktor whispers, barely audible.  His grip on Yuuri’s hand could be a crucible.  “I know it’s selfish of me to ask, but please.  Or else I will, too, and…”

My poor heart. Why??? Poor man can’t even mourn the death of his mother. 

You write grief and the grieving process with a finesse and nuance not usually seen in fanfic. "Grief is confusing and difficult.” Indeed it is, and you've captured that perfectly. I think your portrayal of grief was my favorite part of this chapter. 

It is… very suspicious, to put it mildly, that a blood mage with no known health complications could suddenly succumb to a fatal heart attack. 

Wait, so blood mages are aware of their own blood/health status? They can perform their magic and monitor themselves to the same extent that they can monitor others? I hadn’t thought about it before, but that’s consistent with how we’ve seen the other schools applied. Hm… then how did the baddies pull this off? It had to have been sudden. So the doctor(s) and/or baddie blood mages(s) had blood samples after all…probably? Then again...

Blood magic only works if the mage knows what’s going on and how to fix it, but Rani’s father has a strange, degenerative disease that’s progressing very fast and has yet to receive a proper diagnosis.  How upsetting that must be. 

I guess blood magic can’t be applied generally (either as a fix or as a diagnostic) and the practitioner must use a specific spell for specific injuries/ailments. How are illnesses diagnosed in this universe if blood magic can’t be used to do so (at least not always)?

So it is possible it was something more latent/insidious and Queen Nikiforova just didn’t have an symptoms or any reason to suspect. 

I want to know how they pulled it off, darn it! 

In all of this, Yuuri is his rock.

🎶 Here comes the sun suffering (doo doo doo doo) 🎶

The thought of the hours spent in the coronation ceremony, not to mention the damn meeting with Ivanovich afterwards...

Well, no good could possibly come out of this meeting, and scheduling it the day of the coronation screams ‘aggressive power-play.’ Something is afoot! 

I’m bracing for impact. 

He has to be strong—has to be strong for Mama. 

OH. OH! THAT’S BELOW THE BELT. WHY?!?! WHY MUST YOU DO THIS TO MY HEART?!

[At this point, my notes degenerated to mostly all-caps freakout and minimal speculation, so have some more GIFs to accompany my spazzing.]

“I believe it,” Yuuri says softly.  “With all of my heart.  You are strong, and when you can’t see it yourself, or when your strength runs out, I’ll be here to catch you and to hold you up until you can carry yourself again.  Okay?”

...unfamiliar faces; they must be relatively new recruits... 

Warning! SOS! Mayday! Mayday! Red flag! Red flag! 

“Yes, of course. Well, you see, allow me to put this bluntly, son.”

Oooh, shit’s about to go down. 

Yeah, about those guards…

"Did it not occur to you that we might have accounted for that, too?” 

Argh! Did they slip him those elemental power inhibiting drugs somehow? But he’s using ice magic right now. Whats happening?! 

~~two paragraphs later~~

Ah, good old-fashioned blackmail it is! (For now.)

[This is how I wished the scene would have gone down.]

They must have changed their plans—somehow, they don’t want Yuuri dead, which is good for the moment but bears further contemplating 

Indeed it does. Oh boy…this is not gonna end well for Yuuri. Whatever this is, it is probably the impetus for Viktor delivering the “let’s end this line.” I am 99.9% sure it’s going to be him; it makes sense for his character (I’ll spare everyone a rehash of my long-ass comment on ch. 10, but it’s gonna be Viktor, damn it all). 

Ivanovich has been hiding his magic at court for how many years now?  And nobody ever found out?  How long has he been planning this coup? 

ARGH! I KNEW SOMEBODY--other than Yuuri--WAS HIDING THEIR POWERS! Bastard! But now I wonder if it’s ‘somebodies.’ We still haven’t accounted for the he/him pronounced blood mage.  

And who at court is a willing follower and who is being blackmailed and can’t talk about it? Ahhhhh!

The interesting thing is that Yuuri employs the more sophisticated empathetic block that allows philological spells to function properly, so he might not notice philological spells being performed around him since it doesn’t interfere with his own magic. At this point, we don’t know much about this school of magic and the capabilities of its practitioners (other than the universal translator spell, the ability to keep people from talking, and that it’s based on intent, not technicalities, so [Viktor] can’t even try to be clever and go around it). It’s possible that Ivanovich has been pulling stuff right under Yuuri’s nose. 

Yuri, on the other hand, is a much, much less sophisticated user of empathetic magic. My one hope is that Ivanovich tries to talk to him before he leaves (to begin the process of ‘winning him over’ to their side) and Yuri employs the general empathetic block Yuuri has been teaching him--the one that will interfere with philological spells. I know you put that scene in ch. 10 for a reason...

Plus, and this possibility makes his stomach turn, it’s generally known in the palace that because of their teatime, Yuuri was one of the last people to see his mother alive.  There are nasty rumors he’s heard whispers of, just the barest of snippets, mentioned to him in Duchess Baranovskaya’s intelligence briefing yesterday—

OH NO. Are they going to try and frame Yuuri? That’s why they want him alive? To pull another Golovkina?

~~a very short time later~~

What if the reason Ivanovich promised him that Yuuri would be safe for now is that he wants to use those rumors to tear apart the alliance?  Hell, if he frames Yuuri properly, it might even be enough to ignite a war—the prince from Hinomoto murdering Ruthenia’s queen?  Outrageous!

Well... shit. 

He has to do something about this.  Yuuri, his precious, loving Yuuri, falling asleep in his arms, means the world to him.  He can’t let them hurt his Yuuri—just thinking of him being arrested, brought to trial, and even executed for his mother’s murder...

OH MY HEART. WHY?! 

...and i mean she was a blood mage, its pretty damn obvious she was poisoned even if we cant say it outright without proof...

Interesting that they (at least Yuuri) think it was poison. I know everyone likes blood mages because they heal, but is it that unusual to use blood magic for harm? This also makes me curious again re: what blood mages can detect about their own general health without applying very specific spells; it’s either nobody would suspect a blood mage or everyone assumes Queen Nikiforova would be able to detect and counteract blood magic foul play. 

sp vitya bc phichit hes so so lonely and he never turns to anyone for help and he needs me! 

And, of course, he’s going to distance his entire support system in order to protect the people close to him. Because Viktor. Damn it, Viktor. 

one more thing goes wrong and ill just have 47583 breakdowns and die i guess 

This is not going to end well. Good thing Yuuri is stronger than he believes himself to be; he’s going to need that strength. 

There has to be a way around this, but he hasn’t found it yet. 

Yuuri, or maybe even Yuri, would have the answer to that question (once they figured out Viktor was under a spell), but he’s going to send them both away. Because Viktor. 

Mila has a feeling that he’s the only reason Viktor has been holding it together recently—he’s definitely the only reason she’s seen Viktor outside of court ever since the coronation. 

Dun dun dunn.

Surely he wants to keep his allies close, especially now that Yuri’s leaving! 

You’d think. But Viktor. 

“I think being involved with your court has done enough for us,” Alina bites out.  She looks scandalized a second later, shaking her head.  “I—that was out of line.  My apologies, Your Majesty.  But I do not think I’ll be needing any assistance.”

Ah, so the ‘minor character death’ warning was for Captain Sharapova and not Vicchan. Should have suspected one of them was going to bite the dust when you hinted they were going to retire and have a family. Evil author ;)

Viktor is going to lose all his allies and the ones he can really count on he’s sending away. (And, of course, he blames himself for her death. Because Viktor.)

OH, GOD.. HERE IT COMES. DO. NOT. WANT.

He just knows he won’t survive seeing Yuuri executed for a crime he didn’t commit.  The thought of those beautiful brown eyes filling with tears, of Yuuri’s hands no longer being warm and gentle but instead just cold and limp, of the way the court will rip him to shreds before condemning him to die... Viktor can’t handle any of that.

Noooooooooo. Poor Viktor! 

“What?” he breathes.  “I don’t understand—you want to break off our engagement?  Why?  What—was it something I did?  I’m sorry, Vitya, I—but what about the alliance?  I know I’m not—but we can’t just—please, please, talk to me, please,” and then to Viktor’s horror, he falls to his knees, his face crumpling with sudden, suppressed tears.  “Tell me what I did wrong.  We can fix this.  Please, Vitya.  If not for me, for the alliance.  Please, my people—I can’t fail them now, just—just give me a chance, Vitya, please!”

Poor Yuuri!

Speaking of Yuuri, I wonder what clues he could have gotten from his empathy in this scene if he wasn’t too distraught to pay attention. 

The thought of Yuuri, shackled, small and alone, having to face the wrath of the Ruthenian court, stops him in his tracks.  He thinks of having to preside over that hearing, shudders to think of tapping that accursed gavel—

—but then, he realizes that he wouldn’t be presiding.  Yura would be, through his regent—

—and that’s somehow worse.

DAMN. DAMN THAT’S DARK, RIMI. WOW. 

“Wait,” he says, sniffling.  “Wait.  Vitya—Vityen’ka...”

ARGH. I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE. THAT ENDING SCENE. RIP MY HEART OUT WHY DON’T YOU?!

^RIMI 

Okay, that was an excellent chapter. The writing quality was stellar. Don’t get me wrong, it’s usually very good, but I felt this particular chapter was exceptional; the language was powerful and emotional, particularly when portraying grief and the grieving process. 

Now, this poor reader is going to go try that homemade chai recipe because I need some tea. 

[brownthrussy]

Hey I saw your tags, & I was just wondering what is racist in su & gf? I'm just genuinely curious!

Well first of all sorry about the late reply i've been pretty busy! Second of all this might be a pointless reply, considering these fandoms, but fuck it. Stevies university and its fandom loves to preach itself as being diverse and woke yet does the same stuff that other fandoms do. Remember when Garnet or Amethyst got an arc for themselves? Me neither. Literally they're both "fusion" and the "fat friend" at this point. Both get little to no development for themselves which becomes ridiculous when theres been an interesting amount of focus and detail concerning Pearl. The Sardonyx arc, you know the arc which should have shown that Garnet is allowed to show that she can be vulnerable and that hurting others has consequences, was established as a Pearl arc. Literally it focused on the one that caused said problem instead of the one that got hurt when it shouldve focused on both atleast. Its also interesting how Garnet was stoic and silent when she was Darker in season 1 yet after her immediate regeneration in the end of the season she becomes lighter and more open. It probably wasnt intentional, considering Garnet got some growth by the season to become more open since Stevie met her halves, but its a tiring trope or "Stoic black woman finally gets to have a personality out of being serious and strong" which lasted a season. By season 3 shes literally the fusion friend. Aka the only episodes where she gets some focus are concerning fusion, which isnt wrong considering she is one, but it gets ridiculous not giving her anything else to work for. Amethyst was used as a "self hate" trope, which was great initially however it got repetitive and nothing was truly done. Remember season 3 when Amethyst was like "i hate myself thx Jasper" and Stevie was like "i hate myself too ok" and had a episode dedicated to it. It didnt seem necessary to have a competition on who hates themselves more when they could've, oh i dont know, learn and show compassion to one another as well as understanding each others. While it isnt exactly racism, i just dislike how the emotions in this show is just cry cry and we never mention it ever again. "Bismuth" was a display of "angry black woman' considering Bismuth wanted to kill a dictator and Stevie was like "b-hut th' hat'll make us just as bad l1ke them!!!1" and then Bismuth got poofed for wanting to kill dictators cause she was black and mean :// i get the whole "she tried to kill stevie" she thought he was rose and before anyone says "still murder tho" well ya faves Pearl Lapis and Peridot did the same shit too while the big bad butches Bismuth and Jasper suffer forever :). "Earthings" was a favorite of mine but I thought it used Smoky Quartz at the wrong time. Like the episode literally says that Amethyst could never beat Jasper no matter how she tries which really wasnt a good lesson tbh "hard work doesnt pay off, genetics does!!". Smoky was formed from a emotional bond which was nice but i thought it wouldve been better if Amethyst had accepted stevies help and that they could be fucks up together and said fusion would happen naturally instead of using fusion as just "wow we cant do shit on our owns :/// thanks rock genetics". The rubies literally got left in space to die when they were so easy to dispatch and Steven pulled the "i wanted to help eyeball" while he left the other 4 rubies to die instead of giving them a chance since wow they're??? Their own gems and deserve a chance. Said fandom demonized Navy and called her a sociopath for gaining Stevie's and the barn lesbians trust and taking the ship. These were some detailed reasons why the fandom and show seem hypocritical when they pull their "we care about diveristy but we aint gonna bother showing it" aka if youre not white coded rip you. Connie and Lars' heritage? Not necessary since theyre not white lol. Lars got a confirmed race like 4 episodes before he became pink so if we hadn't seen him before he got pink then we wouldve never known since he wouldnt look like a poc and he doesnt talk about his heritage so he wouldnt sound like one either. The fandom was also like "omgggg look at this one pic of Connie's mom wearing Indian clothes" while refusing the claim that we dont need to hear about anyone's heritage since it isn't "realistic" for POC to talk about it. Interestingly, most white fans say this claim hmm. Blue Diamond had some concerns syrrounding whitewashing, which appears to be due to lighting/ not official design. The problem was that BD was shown to be crueler in Season 2 when she was going to kill Ruby for doing her job. Yet by her official appearance she's neon, looks white despite the Indian asthethic vibe displayed on "The Return" and her display on the Moon, and sad cause her co-worker/ gf died or some shit despite Becky Sugar saying that BD was supposed to be a representation of homophobia. A stupid trope where the homophobe was just a closeted gay. She also became so sad and gay that the fandom woobified her to being a innocent gem despite being a dictator, trying to murder a main character, owning a human zoo. The show also made her cry like 99% to make you feel sad for her cause oh no how dare our white saviour Rose Quartz murder a dictator. This also brought a stupid belief of Steven that "the diamonds woildnt be here if it wasnt for my mom !!! Fuck her" considering killing PD looks like it was the only good thing Rose has done and like out of all the things steven has a right to be mad about it was about his mom killing a dictator??? Also Amethyst's and a Gem named Concrete had their own racist beta designs. Amethyst had a chola design and Concrete, a literal black coded gem that couldnt read (an advanced alien species and the only one that cant read is the black gem?),were displayed on the art books because the crewniverse doesnt really consider the racism that theyve displayed for children to see. This show has a lot of problems and its still good, could be a whole lot better if some issues were addressed, but considering the writers and fandom refuse to address any criticism by using the "its a show for kids!!!1) says the 30 year old white gay on tunglr. Org who praises stevies university for being woke!!1 and having a gay couple. Jeez this got long but I just think its hypocritical that everyone praises this show for barely doing the bare minimum yet refuses to address any problems.While I havent watched the whole show, Gravity falls has displayed a lack of POC in their whole show. While it is a small city, it became interesting that a lot of POC were in prison.

[emziley]

All of the even numbers!

MVP for being the first ask I got...ever XD (also, sorry It took so long! I was almost done then my computer died and I had to restart D: )2. Do you have any nicknames?Emi, Milly, Em, Emziley (But I rarely use that aside from screen names) also, Jade 4. What is the longest your hair has ever been?probably at my butt! or at least lower back....its almost back at that length 6. Favorite flavor?Blue8. Are you friends with any of your exes?Yes! and hes married to my best friend now too :)10. How grammatically correct are you when you text?I text how I would normally speak so not very accurate? but also not like text talk12. Creamy or chunky peanut butter?Creamy! Who eats chunky?14. DC or Marvel?Yes. Mostly Marvel16. Do you have any stickers on your laptop computer?There’s a small note taped on it XD its my moms computer so not really. but If I had my own there would be stickers all over it!!18. Do you read any magazines?Not really20. What is your go-to Starbucks drink?I never tried starbucks!22. Last show you binge watched?Voltron?24. Favorite Disney princess?me!- just kidding, Probably Elsa! (Does she count?)26. Favorite thing to cook for yourself?I CAN MAKE FISH!!! Its one of the very few things I can make so I’m glad I like fish xD28. Have you ever butt dialed anyone?Probably?30. Any styles of music you do not like?Country? I mean some songs are good but---32. Have you ever gotten a ticket while driving?I can’t drive :( 34. Showers or baths?I’ve been really wanting to take a bath and I haven’t been able to, so bath.36. Are you fluent in more than one language?I’d like to be, but I’m not.38. What is the heaviest you have ever weighed?I don’t know? probably around 200lbs40. Have you ever uttered a spoken hashtag?Yes. moving on.42. Favorite non-chocolate candy?Jolly ranchers :D44. If you could have one superpower, which one would you most like to have?Teleportation. Then I dont have to drive! Or walk... XD46. From 1-10, rate your dancing ability.4? 48. From 1-10, rate your driving ability.Idk like a 5 for when I started to learn? 50. Do you drink soda? If so, which one is your favorite?Moutain Dew. The worst shit for you52. Spring or autumn?Im alergic to spring so autumn xD54. Can you play any musical instruments?Yes! A guitar! Kind of piano, I want to learn more. Someone once told me "learn to play a little of any instrament you can get your hands on"56. How easily do you cry?Very. 😧58. Favorite YouTube channel?ArtfulImpersonator :v (and not just because you're asking) 60. How long have you known your best friend?Wich one? About 5 years ago? 62. Last CD you bought?Ed Sheeran for my sister for christmas 💜64. Have you ever been broken up with?Yes,66. How long was your longest relationship? Are you still with that person?2 and a half years, and yes :) 68. Have you ever acted in a play or a musical?Multiple! And I would love to again. 70. Have you ever sexted?😶 yeah~ 72. Real or fake Christmas trees?Story time! Once we got a real tree and it had a nest of spiders in it. Never again will we get a real tree. Ours has "snow" on it :) 74. How well can you write in cursive?Pretty well! You might be interested to know I learned at a young age because they thought it would help me with my dyslexia! 76. Do you like any boy bands?Hahhahahahahaha. Most. 78. Have you ever gotten any stitctopic. Thankfully not! I think I'd panic too much tbh80. What is the oldest piece of clothing you still wear and how old is it?I still have socks from when I was seven? But I also have old sweaters from my grandparents which are probably older than me82. Have you ever dyed your hair?Yes! It was rainbow at one point 😃84. How long have you been at your current job?Currently don't have a job :/86. Phrase you say the most?Well fuck. 88. Have you ever gotten fired from a job?No. 90. Have you ever been a Boy/Girl Scout?I've been both! XD girlscouts we just colored, venture crew (boyscouts) we did alot of fun stuff but it didnt last because the troop was dying out to the point it was me and my sister and one other person holding it together92. Do you eat meat?Yes, though im not a big meat eater94. Worst habit?Hating myself... 96. Do you believe in ghosts?Yes98. Do you consider rapping singing?Not really? 100. Favorite store to shop at?Cleché but hot topic102. Favorite Pokémon?Piplup! I want a real one. 104. Do you drink alcohol at all? If so, what is your drink of choice?I don't drink much, but usually Mikes hard lenonade (of various flavors) but I did have a sangrea last night which was pretty good! 106. Favorite type of cookie?Peanut butter blossoms or oreos108. Biggest pet peeve?I don't know actually? 110. Favorite literary character?Probably Karkat Vantas xD does homesuck count? 112. Do you wear or have your ever worn glasses? Yes, sense I was 2 actually xD114. Have you ever been the victim of a prank? Yeah, nothing too bad though! 116. Have you ever taken a nude selfie?Maybe......... Yes. 118. Favorite fandom?They all have their downsides but homestuck basically rearranged my entire life and had such an influence both good and bad so I think I want to go with homestuck120. Have you ever snorted when you laughed? All the time xD122. Favorite Disney song?Let it go is fun to sing~124. Random girls’ name.Melony126. How many people are in your nuclear family?4 and a cat so that's 5128. What is your Myers-Briggs personality type?INFP-T (i think thats Mayers-Briggs?) 130. Biggest regret?Art school 132. Do you like any soap operas?XD no, I like to pretend Im in one sometimes though. Its fun. 134. What sports team(s) do you root for? Uh hufflepuff quittich team? 136. Have you ever been hit on by someone of the same gender?Yes. XD then we dated. 138. Name a moment in your life when you were pleasantly surprised. When my partner changed their mind from "I'll think about it" to "yes"140. Have you ever left a movie theater before the movie was done?Yeah, I REALLY had to pee... 142. Is sex before marriage wrong?Not nessisarilly, as long as both people want sex, go for it! 144. Can you handle spicy food?Not as much as I used to and that upsets me :(146. Do you like MTV?Not really~148. TV show or movie you quote/reference the most?Steven Universe xD150. Where do you think is the best place to meet a new lover?Anywhere! If you're having fun at a place and they're having fun at the same place (or chatroom :v) ans you hit it off and eventually date and~ 152. Favorite thing to do outside?Look at (and take pictures of) nature. 154. Do you say “y'all” at all?Yes xD156. Do you believe in evolution?Yes? 158. Favorite Beatles song?Ob-la-di ob-la-da (I think thats the name?) 160. Have you ever been to Disney World or Disneyland?Yes! And preformed there ;D162. Do you like to go fishing?I don't have the patents for that tbh164. Do you take medication for anything? Yes, for Epilepsy. Thank you for reminding me to take it! 166. From 1-10, how much do you like children? 3 maybe? If they're well behaved.... 168. Have you ever been bungee jumping or skydiving?Yeah, no. Nope. Not doing it. 170. Do you collect anything?I uses to collect giraffes xD and still have alot of them! But Yeah, I have a few collections. 172. Have you ever been a bridesmaid or a groomsman?Not yet. Soon. 174. What was your favorite toy to play with when you were a child?My mind xD nah probably babrie dolls? 176. Have you ever learned anything from a how-to YouTube video?Like everything. { :v still cant brush wigs without watching your video and crying... } 178. Have you ever wished you were born the opposite gender? Yeah~180. Do you have a pool at your house?Yes. 182. Do you like karaoke?Sometimes? 184. Have you ever ran a marathon?Hahahahaha. Nob:(186. Any guilty pleasures?Yes.............. Yes. 188. Do you live in a house or an apartment?House. 190. Worst job you’ve ever had?Im not sure you could call it a "job" but I worked at a haunted house where they gave you "cash prizes" for the days you worked. I missed the first few days because I was in the hospital and told him I couldn't be near strobe lights. Unfortunatly I was put by the strobe lights. I worked 2 days, desided I was more trouble than I was worth and never went to pick up my money. I stilk get a little anxiety thinking about it tbh. 192. Were you ever voted homecoming/prom king or queen? Nah :p kinda wish I ran but~194. Have you ever gotten detention? I don't think so? 196. Have you ever taken a road trip just for the fun of it? Yes! My family used to have mini rode trips alot... Recently though me and my dad went on two big ones, one to california 2 years ago and colorado a few weeks ago! 198. Were you a part of any academic clubs in high school or college?No... 200. How long have you been on tumblr?4ish years?(Thank you 😁)

[ramblyravingnnjashark]

Nier Automata - Genius and Madness

the works of Yoko Taro are something that have eluded me for most of my life, and that I have given very little attention to. Probably for good reasons because from the outside, the gameplay of his games range from Mediocre to Average at best and I consider myself a very "gameplay First" person. Some of my Freinds would rave about Drakengard and how weird it is but that didnt quite convince me to look into them much further. However, one Fateful Day a little game called "Nier Automata" was announced, a sequel to Yoko Taros Xbox 360/PS3 game Nier with a little line of Text that would change things in an instant

                                   "Developed by PlatinumGames"

now friends of mine will know that, PlatinumGames is one of my alltime favourite Game Devs for their Crazy High skill Character Action Beat em up titles, containing Larger than Life characters and great and tight Gameplay that owes their roots in the Arcade games of old, which is something I have a appreciation for.

So, with a combination like this I finally decided to take on this series, by means of watching Youtube essays about it because goddamn, the gameplay in these games can get rather mind numbing sadly but honestly? Yoko Taro mighta earned himself now a nice cushy place as one of my favourite Directors, right next to  Hideki Kamiya and Hideo Kojima themselves.

But there is one thing I realised from watching these Essays and actually playing one of them it is one thing to watch a guy sum this series up for you, its a whole different thing to watch the Insanity for yourself

because the works of Yoko Taro arent stories about Heroic Knights slaying Demons and Evil Dragons, or Loving Fathers/older Brothers trying to survive the Fall of Humanity with their Daughters/Little Sisters

they are stories about Love, Hate, War, the meaninglessness of the Universe and the Hope growing from it, what it means to be Human, and what it means to lose all reason and go complete and genuinely Mad

(there will be spoilers, so be warned if you wish to expirience these games yourself!)

so originally, this was gonna be a brief recap of Drakengard and Nier, but then I realised I couldnt do these games justice so I just link this and this recap of these games that should give you a good idea what these games are about but to keep it brief

Drakengard is essentially to RPGs what Evangelion was to Mecha Anime, and thats a fairly approviate comparsion when you just look at, this

its also notable for how it handles its different endings, usually referred to as Ending A, Ending B etc, Ending E of the first Drakengard game was a Joke ending that nontheless became the basis for the setting of Nier, a ruined Planet Earth set hundreds of years after the Fall of Humanity about a Father (in the Western Releases) or a Older Brother (Japanese release) having to fend for himself and his Daughter/Younger Sister in a world under constant threat of creatures known as Heartless Shades

both these games are interesting, because their gameplay is nothing special, in the case of Drakengard its outright terrible,they got mediocre reviews and poor sales and yet these games have a dedicated Cult following and  tons of Novels, Audio Dramas, Manga and even Stage Plays that expand the Universes of these games and its lore

and thats for a simple reason: these games may have mediocre gameplay but, their Stories, their Characters, their Art Direction is actually of fairly high quality featuring intriguing Characters and worldbuilding that makes you invested in them regardless I mean, theres a entire exchange in Nier thats entireley between two Magical Talking Books for cryin out loud, and its one of the best parts of the game!

however, these games have thus far had a life as just that, Cult Classics, that didnt manage to garner a mainstream audience due to its aforementioned quirks, the Gameplay just could never stand up to the well written stories of these games

this is where PlatinumGames comes into play

now, the gameplay of Automata I honestly felt like was more on par with what Revengeance offered: there is stuff you can do with it but all in all its below the likes of Bayonetta and Devil May Cry 3 but thats not to say its poor, of course not, it doesnt encourage you to try anything other than just Mash about, but thats Fine, theres also Chips that your characters can even equip Chips that enhance their abilities and giv e them new ones such as a Bayonetta style Parry and Witch time or give them Heals upon Killing the enemy and while the actual enviroments can be a bit of a chore to go through (until you get Fast Travel), it still felt good to Parkour your way through them, nice snappy and smooth which gives me hopes they take a cue or two from this game for Bayonetta 3 in that regard at least

another thing I loved is the Soundtrack itself. Now I dont consider myself a musical person, however I can tell when a Song is used perfectly, and in Automata? Every Song is used to actual perfection. Music to me can be the deciding factor wether a Area or Scene in a Game or Movie is Garbage, Forgettable or Legendary, and for Automata, every song makes each area fall niceley into the latter fortunatly. One Standout track for me is Birth of a Wish (Become as Gods) a retake of an earlier song that adds in additional Chorus, and the Theme for Pascals village which is a cute Melody involving Children singing.

now onto the game itself, Route A puts you in the sexy and Lucious Thigh High boots of YoRHa Unit 2B, whereas Route B puts you in the cute Boy shorts of her Partner and mostly Good Boy YoRHa Unit 9S both tasked with ridding the world of Machine Lifeforms and making Earth inhabitable for the Humans stuck on the Moon again Both Routes play out roughly the same, 2B plays like a Standard Character Action Heroine with Lights and Heavies and such, whereas 9S is mainly focused around his ability to hack enemies and engage into brief SHMUP segments.

of the two I felt like 2B was a little more fun to play all in all, the Hacking was fine but also felt a teeny bit like a pace breaker but not too much, at least until late in Route B the game throws curvebals and unique hacking segments into the mix

a thing Yoko Taro games have been very good at showing, is showing the process of a Person losing their mental stability and throwing it all away to become a one track minded Mad Man and I find that interesting.

Drakengard had a good example when the Character Inuart completley loses it and becomes obsessed with bringing back his Dead Love interest, causing here to turn into the monster posted above. Automata meanwhile, shows this also but with Machines, being that shouldnt even go mad in the first place but become Insane with concepts like Revenge, Fear or other. Now I am not a Psychology Major or anything but I cant help but feel "this is Intriguing", not sure if thats a bad thing or anything but thats how it is.

now, Route C is where officialy the PlatinumGame ends and the Yoko Taro game begins, in that things become utterly, utterly Bleak. Not to say it was happy funtime before, many of the sidequests end on a very sour or outright terrible note, but here? Shits gon Bad!

YoRHa falls, everyone on the Protagonists homebase dies or becomes infected with a Virus that makes them go insane, 2B dies and 9S is severeley wounded and has his mental state utterly ruined by seeing 2B, his Love interest, die. from this Point onward, you play as Either A2, a former YoRHa gone Rogue and 9S as he tries to kill every last Machine Lifeform, and as hes utterly loses his mind. Focusing entireley on his one Goal so that maybe, he can find Death and be with 2B in the Afterlife.

this is where the game really became interesting to me. Gradually 9S goes from this sweet pure boy to a Violent Mess that only wants to Kill and Kill and Kill, Over and Over, its a Interesting Development for such a Character I feel. A2 meanwhile, while still a Great Character and a Blast to play, I felt like was severeley underutilized, getting very little playtime compared to 2B and 9S, with most of her greatest character Development limited to a Japan only Stage play that got a short text recap on a terminal. and it just goes from there and it keeps going, plot twists happen, reveals happen, callbacks to the first Nier and Drakengard 1 happen, its just this huge Mountain of themes and stuff to uncover and analyse. references to old Philosophers and the Concept of Nihilism itself ebing explored, little details that popped up in the early game and now have much greater meaning, its....actually incredible?

I dont think I ever played a game that had so much going on, the last time I think I did was, Metal Gear Solid 3, maybe?! I think....this might actually be one of the best written games I ever played?

and there is still so much content I could go through, the Stage Plays, the Novels, theres probably a buncha Audio Dramas for it too already its like, Jesus christ. and then theres Ending E, which while rather difficult (and probably causes at least 4 people to fucking hate my Guts) was probably one of the best ending sequences I seen in recent years, I'm not gonna go into detail what it is because, it needs to be seen to be belived, but I find it genuiley incredible.

I dont think theres a single game in the Drakengard and Nier series I would actually consider my "Favourite Game", maybe Nier Automata but thats up for consideration still, but I think I can safeley say that both games story as a whole is easily up there with Metal Gear as  one of my favourite Game stories out there, and friends and followers of mine would know by now how much I love that Franchise and its wacky insane story, Drakengard and Nier are special little series that you dont see enough of these days, but maybe thats for the better

I'm not gonna say "Nier Automata rekindled my love for video games" or anything, but I am glad I got to expirience these two series.

[owlways-and-forever]

Cześć kochanie! Fairy lights, moodboard, sunrise, bands, grunge, lightning, love proszę! (Mira)

Dzięki Mira, kochanie!!

Fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

if i’ll ever find love, and with who

Moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

I grew up like an old timey kid, I didn’t watch much tv, I played outside all the time, when the whole family was together the kids roamed free and nobody knew what we were doing, and all that was great, so in that sense, yes, i had a happy childhood. But i also struggled a lot with my parents divorce, and i remember experiencing depression first when i was 12, so in those senses, it wasn’t entirely happy. but isn’t everyone’s childhood (and life really) a combination?

Sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

Differences of language and habit are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open. - JK Rowling, Goblet of Fire

I love this quote because I feel like its something we could all do with remembering these days. We get so caught up in who’s from what country, and who’s what religion, but the thing is that none of it matters. It doesn’t matter if we’re different ethnicities or different religions as long as we’re all open to each other and we all want the same things, if we all want peace.

Bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

Two years ago, I had a particularly difficult few months, in which I lost four family members in the span of three months, some very unexpectedly. about a month and a half later, patd released doab, and impossible year in particular was somewhat of a respite, and i listened to it constantly for a while. 

Grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

sillier answer - it’d be great to get a letter from my crush saying he’s madly in love with me.

more serious answer - from someone dead, idk my aunt or one of my grandparents, just idk telling me things are going to be okay, that they’re proud of me, giving me advice? just anything really, just to hear from them. if it has to be someone living, then i guess from my ex, saying that everything that happened is okay, that he forgives me. i was young and still having a lot of trouble dealing with some of my issues, and it affected our relationship in negative ways, and being older and wiser now, i know that a lot of it wasnt healthy or fair, and it would be nice to know that its okay, no hard feelings. 

Lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

BUCKLE YOUR SEATBELTS, ITS STORY TIME. I’ve got two different stories and one is more funny embarrassing kind of worst and the other is like shit show kind of worst.

Story #1. It’s sophomore year of college, Halloween, and I have a 9am flight back home in the morning, but my friend convinces me to go to the frats with her anyway, and we proceed to get shitfaced, and it should be known that I’m banned from using my phone when drunk because I have an embarrassing tendency to text anyone I can manage to open a conversation with “omg you’re so hot”. Except on this particular night, my friend decided to hook up with one of the frat guys, and me, not wanting to abandon her in a frat house, decided to park my ass in the hallway at like, the opposite end of the hall. But of course, then I’m bored as well as plastered, so I whip out my phone because aha there’s no one to stop me anymore, and I start talking to this guy in my class that I sort of had a thing for. And it’s going pretty well, we’re chatting, and I’m rapidly becoming more incoherent as the alcohol kicks in, and he asks me “how is it possible that you’ve become completely incoherent in such a short time span” to which my answer, i shit you not, was “idkkkk but you’re hottttt” perfectly executed, not a single letter out of place. i dont remember what his answer was because what really stands out is that apparently i also decided to try to send this message to my mother at 3:00 in the morning. which of course prompted her to try to call me at 4am because she got a completely unintelligible text message and obviously she thought i was being kidnapped.

Story #2. when i was in morocco, a bunch of university kids decided to throw a fourth of july party for the american students, and so they rented a house and got lots of beer and liquor and assorted drugs and really whatever they could get their hands on. so we’re partying and having fun, and i decide i want a little bit of a buzz, so my friend and i decide to go try to find some weed to smoke, except what they dont teach you in language classes is how to ask for weed, so we’re trying to mime this to some guys and idk eventually we think we’re all on the same page, so she and i start smoking with them, and we smoke a lot, like seriously, large quantities of weed, and naturally i make out with one of the guys in return for the weed, and this guy that i sort of liked walked in on us, which was kind of awk, and so then i went after him and told him that it should’ve been him i was making out with, could still be him if he wanted (why i thought that was a good idea i’ll never know), anyway, at some point i went upstairs, talked to this other guy who is super awesome, but he’s drinking out of a bowl which is very confusing to my mind so i ask about it and he says its magic soup, and im like holy shit magic soup thats fucking awesome, and he gives it to me to try and im like wtf dude that is not magic soup thats fucking beer, i spend some time talking to people, the whole time i cant seem to decide which language i want to speak like im switching back and forth every other sentence. i go back downstairs and am hanging out (i may have smoked some more, i dont remember?) and then i decide to go upstairs, and someone else also goes upstairs, but at this point the paranoia starts to set in and i decide that the other person is following me, so i fucking run upstairs, crying, and find my sober friend, and cant manage to explain whats wrong so my friend is just kind of like okay how bout some sleep and helps me get settled, except the poor guy has to also take care of our other friend who’s vomiting, but i start sobbing every time im left alone, so its a fucking mess, and then somebody says the police are coming, so we all fucking run for it, except its like 2-3am and our university is closed campus, and the gates are locked until 6am, so we cant go back, so we find a park and decide to sleep there, and which point i’m a royal pain in the ass, and magic soup guy has to give me is button down and backpack so i can sleep comfortably on my bench, and then at 6am we went back to campus, got out stuff, and met the bus for an 8 hour drive to the fucking desert and let me tell you ive never wanted someone to kill me more than i did on that fucking bus ride. and that’s when i found out that it wasn’t weed we’d been smoking at all it was hasish, and long story short don’t ever smoke hashish like its weed because it will fuck you up

Love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.

Once, a long time ago. He used to say there was a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. I don’t know when I realized I was in love with him though, to be honest. It was such a long dance for us - first I hated him, then we were friends, then we were trading off liking each other while seeing other people. I guess… I guess there were two moments when I knew, kind of related. The first was shortly before we started dating. I wore a claddagh ring, one that I’d gotten in a flea market for like $10, but I never took it off, except when I was swimming. One day, I’d been at his house and we’d gone swimming, and I accidentally left my ring there, and I was freaking out when I realized, He wore it for a few days until he could get it back to me, and we had an in depth conversation about why it was so important to me, and I told him that it was symbolic but the actual physical ring meant nothing, and he told me that when he went to ireland a month later he wanted to get me a new one, so that i’d have one that meant something to me, not just symbolically. it was really touching, the fact that he paid attention to how important it was to me, and he wanted to do something to make it even more special. and to not even expect anything in return, i just remember feeling so special, like i was precious to someone else, irreplaceable, and it was an amazing feeling. the second time was i guess a little less than two months after we started dating, he was playing with the ring and made a comment about one day getting married, and he wouldn’t get me a diamond ring, he’d get me sapphire. it’s such a small thing, but it was… he knew me so well. i dont like diamonds, never really have, they’re too glittery and fancy for my taste, but anyway, idk just being with someone who knew me well enough to know that about me without me ever saying it, or ever really thinking about it, it just, idk, i felt like i was whole, complete. i felt like he was my other half, and it was just a very warm and fuzzy feeling, idk.