#sorry this was long as hell; I try to be normal but my neurodivergence says no

[borderlineomniverse]

Tumblr Mobile’s dumb restriction on copy/pasting isn’t letting me do this as easily as I want to but whatever

Name: Ray

Your First Fandom: Marvel (Not exclusively the MCU, but that was a starting point)

How Did You First Get Into the Fandom? My dad has been a big Iron Man fan since he was a kid, and even though we’ve never been close, I remember watching the first Iron Man movie when I was six and after that I was hooked on everything Marvel. I watched the other movies out at the time, read comics, and got every encyclopedia/guidebook I could find.

How long have you been engaging with fandom spaces? Conservative family, so I never had internet as a kid. But, I was the resident Marvel nerd at my school as a kid, and I was able to sneak some fandom access from some friends on the side. I’d estimate around 10/11 was when I first engaged with online fandom spaces.

How often do you read fanfics? Mmmm it depends. Been on a destiel and jeric kick lately; I’d say one a day.

Top 3 characters from your current fandoms: Colby Granger, aka my husband from Numb3rs; Leon aka my other husband from Merlin, and of course our queen Ashoka from Star Wars (SOO psyched for the show)

Have you written a fic for a fandom? Is that really a question you need to ask? What do you think this is, Instagram? Of course I have.

Have you ever drawn fanart for a fandom? Unfortunately I can’t draw for shit. Soooo many times have I wanted to draw something incredibly specific but unfortunately my gift is words not art.

Share a personal headcanon you feel very strongly about: Ashoka is the most powerful character in the Star Wars universe. Fuck the chosen one, fuck Luke Skywalker, fuck yoda, fuck Anakin, fuck anyone who thinks she isn’t the literal queen of the galaxy. She took on three inquisitors, darth vader, AND emperor palpatine in the span of a few hours and came out on top? And slaying?? It’s literally canon that if she and Maul teamed up at the end of clone wars season 7 palps would have been defeated and the empire would have never risen. Also, fuck you if you think she’s a Mary Sue. I don’t give two shits; she’s one of the most incredible characters ever written and everything she does is justified and reasonable within her canon abilities. Sorry not sorry for the rant.

You’re trying to convince a friend to get into your current fandom: what episode, clip, or scene are you showing them? I actually got a friend of mine into Merlin purely by sending them enough Merthur memes and she decided the romance was so compelling she had to watch it. She loves it now.

What does fandom mean to you? Family. A weird, messy, disastrous, awful family. And I love it. My fandom friends are far more supporting and kind than any of my actual family are. Fandom keeps me going.

Aaaand for the second one…

Name: Yeah you got that already

Age: 19

Where in the world are you? Southern California

The meaning behind your URL? Three things:

1. A reference to the Scott the Woz 200 episode special, Borderline Forever (and just a reference to Scott in general)

2. I’ve named the official Scott the Woz shade of blue Borderline Blue, which has become a meme between my friends and I. It’s ironically and also unironically become my favorite color, everything I do and own now is Borderline Blue. So, it’s become something of a signature for me (which is why I use it as my tag signature).

3. This YouTube video is my favorite video in the world, and it explains the theory of the Ten Dimensions. I use this theory to explain how all fandoms could theoretically co-exist and even be real (if you’re into that sort of thing), with each world existing in the fifth dimension as a universe, each universe having its own separate alternate realities (a multiverse), and each separate multiverses of fandoms being able to coexist within ten temporal dimensions, which I call the Omniverse. So, the omniverse in the title is a reference to the spectrum of fandoms I’m invested in and how I traverse them all through my blog.

Your second favorite color: like I said, probably Borderline Blue. Not really my favorite, but it’s more of a meme favorite.

Any pets? My adorable baby boy Buck, named after my favorite classic novel, Call of the Wild:

He’s a Belgian Malanois, if you’re wondering. He’s the sweetest boi but also very active.

Favorite season? Call me a basic bitch but I love all of them equally for different reasons.

Summer: swimming is my favorite physical activity, socal weather, the happy vibes.

Spring: always been nostalgic in a good way for me, nice weather, April is my favorite month

Fall: prime aesthetics, awesome outfits, Stardew Valley vibes

Winter: also awesome outfits, I love the cold weather, Christmas is my favorite holiday

Last thing you read? Twist and Shout for the first time, actually. WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME IT WAS HEARTBREAKINg???? IM???? I was under the impression it was a haha funny destiel fanfic but NO I BAWLED MY EYES OUT AT 2 AM

Last song you listened to? Bad Guy, Billie Eilish. I love to feel the bass in my veins through the car stereo on the drive home from work.

What are you wearing right now? My usual dark wash jeans, a plain green Sonoma t shirt (I have 21 different Sonoma shirts, all in different colors that I switch out daily and pair with a different outerwear). Atop it, I have my signature plush-lined flannel coat from costco, the white, black, and blue variety. My friends have nicknamed it The Borderline Coat.

A hobby of yours: I’ve gotten asked this a lot lately by random people and last night at 11 PM I finally realized what my biggest hobby is that never immediately comes to mind: internet history. I have a big thing for analyzing random niche internet subcultures, their histories, and lore surrounding different corners of the web. My favorite YouTube channels that have assisted in this are Parallel Pipes, Izzyzzz, and WavyWebSurf.

And finally, what are you up to today? Played tomodachi life, helped my parents in the yard, went to work, got Dairy Queen and headed home.

my wife of the church of christ of latter day saints @suchagallabitch tagged me in this eons ago but i just set up my pc aaaaa

Your Name: Rin !

Your First Fandom(s): I guess it's technically Sonic The Hedgehog

How did you first get into fandom? I had a YouTube account where me and a bunch of other sonic people posted our sonic recolors and we RP'd them on deviantart

How long have you been engaging with fandom spaces? Since 4th grade so uhhh 14 years ish?

How often do you read fanfics? It depends on how deep in the sauce I'm in so rn maybe 1 or 2 a day? If they're short.

Top 3 characters from your current fandom(s): Bo-Katan, Din Djarin, The Armorer. But if we mean like Star Wars as a whole, Anakin Skywalker, Cal Kestis, and Armitage Hux. For Degrassi atm it's Campbell Saunders, Miles Hollingsworth III, and Maya Matlin.

Have you ever written a fic for a fandom? unfortunately

Have you ever drawn fanart for a fandom? if so, shout it out! I-I um uh um I draw a lot, all the time so.

Share a personal headcanon that you feel very strongly about: Din Djarin is a sex god i have no idea why this entire fandom thinks he's a virgin; this does not include ace!din but in fics where he is sex posi WHY IS HE ALWAYS A VIRGIN??? MANS EXCRETES SEX. HE IS A DOM. DIN DJARIN PLEASE RAIL ME.

You're trying to convince a friend to get into your current fandom(s) with you. what episode, clip, or scene are you showing them? I would never willingly put someone through Degrassi, but if I want people to like Star Wars I just say watch the OG trilogy, ignore the fanbase, and go from there lol.

And finally, what does fandom mean to you? Exhausting but I've met some cool people so it's pretty worth it

Tag #2

name: rinrin

age: 24

Where in the world are you? Illinois

The meaning behind your UR: tohru adachi + goro akechi = adakechi. campbellssaunders feels self explanatory.

Your second favourite color: teal blue i guess

any pets? well my cat of 16 years george died a few weeks ago and as they say, a bitch is "going thru it rn", but ive still got my bearded dragon akechi.

favourite season? Winter or Fall. So cold. Love.

Last thing you read: I'm reading the third book in the raven cycle series.

Last song you listened to: style - taylor swift (lol)

What are you wearing right now? an ASU tank top and a pair of Jay's shorts bc I do not have my own atm lol

A hobby of yours: art, playing music, rock climbing, hiking, biking, fighting games, writing (sometimes), horror stuff

and finally, what are you up to today? answering mails, applying for jobs, and sweating to death

As always, do these if u want!

[spitdrunken]

I’m busy as usual lately, and if you’re new here, my interests tends to change up pretty quickly and strongly because of my neurodivergency lolol I see all your hazbin requests, and I will try to get to them <33 In the meantime, my girlfriend has dragged me into Ace Attorney (so blame her), and I cleaned up this ‘discord fic’ we wrote together, haha.

notes: dick gumshoe x female!reader (reader is very explicitly female here; please don’t go in hoping for ambiguity!), age gap (gumshoe is early 30s, reader is early 20, inexperienced reader. other than that, this is just very consensual sex. enjoy!

essentially, the entire crux of the idea is that gumshoe has a hookup app he uses sometimes, and you meet through there. you haven’t had that much sex, or just not sex with guys, but you’re bored and you’re horny and you decide- why the hell not? you assume nothing will really come out of it, anyway.

maybe there's just a far higher number of guys on the app you were on, and most of them just sent you a picture of their ugly penis or the most horrendous, sexual pickup line in existence… you'd practically given up on both the app and the male population in general, when you encounter gumshoe. who just tells you how pretty you are and asks how your day has been. he is outrageously attractive himself, and so you have to wonder whether or not he’s even real… despite the different start,i feel like he still wouldn't take too long to ask if you want to come over to his place sometime, but that's only normal and expected- it's the very purpose of the app such as the one you're using, after all! he warns you beforehand that his apartment doesn’t look like the best of places on the outside, and agrees to do anything you want beforehand to verify his identity! like sending pics of himself in certain poses, or (video)calling.

and you show up and all of your nerves just crash into you at once. you’re standing in the parking lot and you get so nervous you might as well throw up. you don’t really do stuff like this, but you were lured here by his genuine compliments and his good looks. you are almost tempted to text him that you’re going home, something came up, or to be rude enough to ghost him entirely- but there’s a little bit of guilt welling up inside you, knowing that you agreed with all of this, and he’s waiting for you and got his hopes up.

the reason you initially do go up to the door is this guilt. at your hesitant knock at the door, it immediately swings open, as if he had been waiting right beyond. you’d guessed from his pics he’d be big, but he’s really tall, and the spitting image of the pics he uploaded, rather than some of the horror stories you’ve heard.

"h-hi!!" you squeak. "i'm from the, uh, thing." you give him a little wave, and immediately feel stupid, quickly lowering your hand. your face is already on fire, and you don’t quite know what else to say.

gumshoe, on the other hand, only needs to take one look at you to be able to see how nervous you are. (while people often consider him dumb, he’s at least got emotional intelligence to make up for it. not to mention, he’s been around this block plenty of times before.)

"pal, c'mon, sit down. you look like you're about to pass out," he says, though not unkindly, and leads you inside before pulling back a chair from his dinner table. you're pretty happy to do as he says. "are you okay?"

"yeah, um-" you wring your hands together on your lap, face flushed, not meeting his eye. "i'm sorry. i don't really do stuff like this…. ever. i-is that weird? i just, uh, well…" you laugh sheepishly and awkwardly. "you were- you are very handsome, what can i say?"

he laughs, louder than you think you deserve, but it's boisterous. not laughing at you. "you sure do know how to make a man feel special, huh? but… hey. look at me." he's sitting opposite you now, a kindly smile on your face. "we don't hav'ta do anything you don't want to. we don't have to do anything at all! i want you to have a good time. both of us should have a good time. 'course, i'm always happy to have such a pretty lady in my home.. but i'm not gonna make you do something you don't wanna."

after his little motivational speech, you've calmed enough that your breathing has slowed down to regular levels.

"thank you, i really do appreciate it… um. i wanna try, at least. i bought new lingerie 'n everything," you mumble, eyes averted.

"just for little old me? you shouldn't have." dick's smile is goofy and genuine and luring you closer, allowing him to reach out for your waist.

"would you mind if i take a look? i'd love to see your pretty new panties." you don’t trust your tongue to make any comprehensible noise right now, so you just rapidly nod. "that's my girl."

maybe he keeps sitting down at the table, and pats his knee, inviting you to sit down on his lap. not right over his crotch, he doesn’t want to push you that quick and that hard. maybe you're wearing a cute little dress so he just pulls the hem up, and without even thinking about it, you reach out and taking him from it, holding it up for him,, you're very very red in the face and looking anywhere except at him, but you can hear the smile in his voice when he says ‘thanks’.

he just places one of his big, warm hands on your thigh, rubbing circles on the skin on the inside, and with the other hand he just traces a single finger up the length of your thigh, closer and closer to your panties to see if you don't get spooked. even when he touches your underwear, he doesn't go for your clit or anything like that, just running the tip of his finger over the side of it. maybe it's pink n lacy and slightly see through.

"that's so adorable," he tells you, maybe even tugging a little at the pink little bow on top. "s'like you read my mind and you knew exactly what i wanted to see! special girl."

"i- i'm sure i'm not… mmm--" gumshoe just hums in response, question unspoken. "i'm sure you've had prettier girls over." and you immediately want to hit yourself over the head for saying something like that, but it was what you were thinking.

"hah!" he practically guffaws, entirely unfazed. "you'd be surprised, pal. all i ever seem to hook are skinny little guys. which is all fine and good, love ‘em, but there are plenty who are just- if they can't be bothered to just say 'hi' before starting to talk about my dick, i just block 'em."

you can't help but laugh a little, and look at his face for the first time, meeting with relaxed eyes and a kind smile. (if you're going to catch feelings for this man, you swear to god--) "i guess we're pretty similar, then. i only got, uh, dick pics and bad one liners… you were the first one to just ask how i was feeling." for a moment, you can forget you're sitting in a stranger's lap with your dress pulled up, and his fingers centimeters away from your clit. maybe this guy just has that effect on people.

"people can be weird," he sighs and shakes his head a little. "that, or they just ask for the strangest things. i had this one guy over once, and he just straight up asked for fisting, which, y’know, never mentioned that anywhere before! how do ya even think you want my damn fist inside you, when you can't even handle my cock?"

"o-oh yeah?" you stammer out, the unspoken question on your lips (are you THAT big???!!??) obvious to both people in the room, and you don't even think about it as your eyes shift a looot lower than his face.

there's a tangible shift in the air, and gumshoe chuckles. when he speaks again, his voice is about an octave lower. "eyes up here, sweetheart." you jolt, practically spit out an apology, and he laughs again, louder this time. "no, no, i'm sorry, was just messing with ya. but you got curious, didn't ya? c'mere."

he takes your wrist, grip loose enough that you could pull away at any moment, but you don't. he places your hand right on top of his crotch, and places his own hand over yours. he is… big, and your face is burning. "i can see that you're wet yourself, sweetheart, so i think ya should know i've been hard ever since you walked through that door."

[moonchats]

MY SPENCER HEADCANONS

(which are canon cos i said so(also a lot dont align to what we know as canon, like i talk a lot about stuff that includes technology but shhh let me have my fun))

fav ice cream flavour is vanilla, but not any of the posh vanilla with the dots in, has to be the cheap shit because the flavour doesn’t get boring after a couple spoons

he never actually ties his top shirt button up he just tightens his tie enough so it looks tied because it hurts his throat

loves cultural food, like any religion or country he’s took an interest in that week he makes sure to try a dish from there

fucking loves spiderman

loves jodie whitticker as the thirteenth doctor because he loved the storyline and got upset when he realised everyone hated her

didn’t realise he was bisexual because he didn’t realise that it wasn’t ‘normal’ to like boys too

LOVES CHILDRENS FANTASY LIKE ANY WORLD BUILDING FANTASY OR DYSTOPIAN HE FUCKING LOVES

sorry i was really passionate about that. also his fav colour is lavender but he makes everything he owns green (like phone cases, notebooks etc) cos he chose that as his dedicated colour when he was younger

he didn’t like jumpers or cardigans for ages because didn’t like the feeling of the toughness of the wool and then he realised clothes have different materials and he realised he hated microfibre because fuck microfibre everyone should hate microfibre

i know we know he likes classical music but i think he loves romantic music of any kind, like as long as it’s romantic he loves it, like romantic goth,classical,pop anything cos my like bbygirl is such a romance girly at heart

is an avid converse wearer/collector

journals like hell, like every thought he thinks he writes it down

tells hotch he’s in therapy but actually he just talks to himself in the mirror and says that’s enough

likes matpat and game theory (because he’s autistic?? i have yet to meet a fellow neurodivergent that hasn’t had a game theory phase)

once had a stim which was just jacksepticeyes intro and derek thoight he was speaking another language because his irish accent was so bad

writes in-depth character analysis’ on his favourite characters and posts them and once one of them was so well detailed it was literally used more as a guide than canon (like atyd has with the marauders)

fucking adored rent because he’s a theatre kid at heart because i said so

[natdrinkstea]

tagged by @chiropteracupola and @dxppercxdxver :3 time for you all to judge my taste in books!

rules: list ten books that have stayed with you in some way, don’t take but a few minutes, and don’t think too hard - they don’t have to be the “right” or “great” works, just the ones that have touched you.

putting this under a cut because I hate making long posts. the rules up there say "don't take but a few minutes and don't think too hard" but I don't know how to do Either of those things. this post is Long. you've been warned.

1. is, of course, The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland In A Ship Of Her Own Making by Cat Valente. It's a wonderful, clever story that absolutely ruined the way I view fantasy, devotion, and girlhood at a young age. It's beautiful and magical and devastating AND I LOVE IT!!!!

2. The Raven Boys by Maggie Stiefvater. I post about this series all the time but I never really express how much it means to me? It's about a friendship that's so strong it defies all odds, it's about finding magic in the mundane, it's about being a weird little guy with anxiety who's trying to be braver.

3. The House in the Cerulean Sea and Under The Whispering Door by TJ Klune (they are tied). SORRY FOR THE BOOKTOK MOMENT LOL but these novels are about finding love at an older age in an unexpected place!!! about relishing little moments with people you care about in a world that's beautiful! and the way klune writes introspection really feels like how I Think. it's like a magnifying glass into my brain

4. House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski. another one I post a lot about that seems very out of left field considering the rest of the list! but it was recommended to me at a hard time by one of my closest friends, and the incredibly intelligent and thoughtful way it uses Words and Language to express both Horror and Humanity has had SO MUCH influence on how I want to write

5. Hell Followed With Us by Andrew Joseph White. This novel captures queer rage in a way that feels deeply personal and wildly cathartic, and the desperation and passion with which Benji views the world and the people he cares about feels the same. Also it helped me get over my fear of meat 👍hooray, meat!

6. Now this is getting hard. um. Nona the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir <3 sorry to put a popular book again but listen. it's about humanity and how ugly and brutal and full of love we are. it's about being so painfully Normal and Alive in a world that's trying to keep what you love from you. It's about eating breakfast and petting a dog and swimming in the sea and it's UNAPOLOGETIC IN IT'S HONESTY. IT'S SO HEALING TO THE INNER CHILD TO SEE NONA LOVE SO FIERCELY

7. Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli. listen. it's not a great book. it's stereotype-y and gross and kind of boring but. when you're in fifth grade and very neurodivergent but trying very, very hard not to let yourself show it, reading about a girl who is proudly Weird and Impulsive and Kind and Creative is like finally getting to see what you could be if you were a little less afraid. she was a manic pixie dream girl but she was mine, y'know?

8. (at this point I'm getting up to look at my bookshelf)

Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison. Again, hugely different from the rest of this list, but probably the book I read in high school that I felt was most worth my time. Stunning, earnest writing and a deeply human story. I could go on for probably an hour about how clever Ellison's imagery is, and how powerful a choice as small as leaving your protagonist nameless can be. If anything on this terrible list is required reading, it's this

9. similarly, The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt. I read this book for school, but by choice, and I kind of hated it! Not gonna lie! But something about how batshit insane it is left a huge impression on me. While it's wildly unrealistic and often frustrating, there are little bits of earnest grief and uncomfortably close-to-home interactions that make it feel like it Could happen. The way it describes parent-child relationships makes me want to escape my mortal flesh due to feeling Too Seen.

IF YOU READ ALL OF THAT WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!!!!!! anyway @haijinks @neonphoenix @human-sweater-vest @lasaraleen @samwisegamwise I'd love to see your ten books but there is No Pressure :3 love u !

10. FINALLY THE END! FUCK YOU! PERCY JACKSON!!! it's so funny and clever and diverse and ACCURATE! twelve year olds are little shits who want desperately to run away from their parents and make friends and have adventures! it made my sense of humor what it is, it introduced me to a blonde female protagonist who was INTELLIGENT AND BRAVE (things I always thought I was but was afraid to be)!!!!! and, most importantly, my first thought upon receiving my adhd diagnosis a week ago (it's been about five years since I last read pjo), was "wow. I'm one step closer to being a half-blood".

EDIT: there are bonus books in the replies that my dumb brain forgot ab until rn if u wanna see :]

[yourtoradorasextendedwarranty]

You know what's confusing?

People's lack of understanding of sexuality. Long story short. Sexuality is attraction to sex. Not attraction to gender. And one of the biggest reasons that certain types of activists have taken upon themselves to say that "Sex and Gender are different" but then also in the same breath say, "Oh well there's no real difference between the sexes. Then worse, you have people now VERY adamantly trying to say things like, "I'm a trans woman that's also a lesbian". No you are not. You are still heterosexual.

But what do I expect. This is what happens when words DON"T MEAN ANYTHING! And it's stupid. Because words used to have meanings. Now people want to be anything and everything all at the same time and it's the single most stupid thing in the world. I don't care if you are a man that likes to wear dresses and makeup. Wear dresses and makeup. That doesn't make you a woman. Hell Fem bois do that shit sometimes and they are still guys. And look. This isn't to say that trans people are not real. THEY ARE REAL, but that's not what I'm talking about. When did drag queens automatically become trans? Or part of the LGBT? Drag had been primarily used for performances and for prostitution early in the day. And participation was normally related to autogynephilia in a lot of ways.

The weird part about this is that it's a SEXUAL fetish. And when it comes to people that now currently identify as trans (not as drag) that are "trans" for that reason I find it creepy that people are dead set on referring to them as their pronouns. Why? Because you are for all intents and purposes forcing others to participate in another persons fetish. And as a person very informed about the broader BDSM community one of the BIGGEST things that is prioritized is CONSENT. When you have to force it, or in this case societally mandate it, you are basically demanding others be forced to help another person get off. I'm sorry that's just the truth. And you might not like hearing it, but it's the truth.

Frankly? I'm tired of living in a post truth world where "My Truth™" (IE: Your personal opinion) is taught to be the ACTUAL truth. Words are only supposed to evolve naturally. What we have seen is not that. It's been use of brute force to change the meanings of words into nonsense. Man might as well mean, "entity that identifies as neurodivergent disabled cat". Woman might as well mean, "entity that wears dresses and calls their non removed appendages or otherwise a 'Barbie Pouch' online". It's actual insanity. What's more, we have people that say that MALES can get pregnant. NO. THEY CAN'T. And no amount of "well maybe medical intervention could one day" No sorry that's not how this works. I'm sorry biology has opted to say, "I'm sorry you were not born in any way, shape or form, capable of giving birth".

Look. If you want to be a "pretty man" then be a pretty man. If you want to be a "Boyish woman" then do it. And stop forcing words to mean something they don't. Please. You are not making people like you more. And you are only seeking to confuse people. Society is already complicated enough. I don't need to also have to navigate the difficulties of, "Biological man, wearing lipstick, wearing typically masculine clothing, and a scruffy beard, identifies as woman, and also as lesbian; Is dating a woman, who is both cis and straight." For real that is the MOST STUPID thing. Just say you like lipstick. Jesus christ.

[lovely-necromancy]

A Cure for Insomnia CH.5

A scream shocks you out of your fuzzy thoughts. You look around and notice Connor sitting alert and looking like he wants to run down the hallway this very instant.

“Connor?” the head snaps to you immediately and before you can even question his presence in your home he jumps up and barks then walks in circles near the door.

Great a dog who has no sense of horror movie tropes. Since the scream did come from inside your house you should go find the person who made it and see what's wrong. Also maybe get clarification on why they're in your home. You aren't dead and are still in the same clothes so you figure you're alright around them. You follow Connor to where Toby is, in your kitchen staring out the window standing at a very odd angle. Like he caught himself before he fell backwards but hadn't bothered to get up.

“What's up....oh.” is all you can say as you see Chonk's head whip towards you and Connor before he books it for the tree line. Damn that fat raccoon can run fast, good to know if he ever wants to chase you down in the future. Which he might if you don't leave his slice of pizza out today.

“'oh' 'oh', that's all yo-you've got to say about a giant fuck-ing ra-mrrow- raccoon!?!” maybe thinking this guy was composed and unphased was a misconception, if seeing Chonk has put his world views in question.

“I mean he probably just eats a lot of pizza.” to put it simply you never gave much thought to the fat little trash thief, he was just fat and he existed. Visiting your home for the slice he deemed his every other week. Probably had other homes in Kepler he terrorized for the same reasons. God knows Leo would never put up with a raccoon trashing his store for his pizza. Or even his home for that matter.

“He's nearly half the size of Connor!” looking down towards Connor you tilt your head.

“Are we talking about with his legs or just his torso?” you could maybe see the size comparison with the dog's body but with his height it was a different matter all together.

Toby rolls his eyes before going and sitting down at the small breakfast table where he seemed to have found your fidget cube and had been well fidgeting with it. You take the seat opposite of him, it's weird having a guest over especially when you didn't invite them in. Well now that removes the chances of him being a vampire you suppose.

Perfect not a kidnapper, nor a vampire, and he's helped you out twice now. The two of you might well be on your way to becoming best friends. That is if he could get past this episode of yours.

“I still don't know what happened last night, but I'm done with the freak out.” you say as you idly pet Connor.

“...What?” he's squinting at you trying to get a read on how anyone bounces back from something like that so calmly in a matter of hours. Especially when he'd been checking up on you and Connor only to see you still staring off into space.

“Oh, uh... I have Autism. Isn't good for much but helps me rationalize events quicker and move past emotional and mental breakdowns pretty quick too.”

“Is that an Autism thing?” you shrug at his question as he jerks his shoulders forwards a few times.

“Probably more of a me thing, but I've read the trait tends to be more common in those of us who are neurodivergent.”

You hear a murmur of telling someone later later. Filing that away to take note of another day you stare at Toby who in turn stares back. This goes on for a bit, you couldn't even classify it as a staring contest since you are both still blinking occasionally. You aren't really sure if you should say 'thank you' first and then ask the man what he's doing in your home or wait for him to break the silence. But as you stare at Toby, into his eyes, you get the feeling this man is more of a zombie than anything else. The type to drag along and go at a snails pace rather than get into the messy bits in one go...ironic choice for comparison.

“Thank you for driving me home...but why are you still here?” you hear a huff of laughter?

“You weren't really in a position...” knuckles pop “to be left alone. What if you got back into your car again?” his eyes cut and there's a bit of bite to his words...it wasn't directed towards you, you can feel that much.

“Fair enough.” you glance at the stove and see the clock shine a little before six. “Would you like some breakfast” his neck snaps to the left triggering your own to snap as well, “or a ride home?” you finish asking.

“Can you make something for Connor too? Don't trust you behind the wheel yet.”

“Oh sure! What does he normally eat?” Perking up at the thought of the dog being off duty, that means actual pets!

“He-mrrow- normally gets oatmeal with some fruit or veg and anything raw I can find.” He finishes with a whistle for Connor's attention, and then a pointed finger flipping down in front of him. The dog trots over and sits down, while Toby takes off the vest you look through your cupboards to find the rolled oats you'd gotten as incentive to eat in the mornings before realizing you only liked them on certain days.

“So what does Tobias normally eat?” you call out as you look for some honey you know you threw in the cupboards.

“Anything really. I don't do slimy textures or anything watery.”

“Watery? Like soups?” Found a can of pumpkin, it's still in date too, perfect.

“Watery like...when you put too much water in oatmeal.” He nods when you silently show him the can of pumpkin asking if that'd be fine for his boy, who is sitting down drooling from his smiling face as Toby tussles his ears.

“Ahhh, thin watery got it.” You hear movement and a few grunts from Toby as you assume he tics, trying to ignore them so they won't trigger your own you look through the fridge. You suddenly take a deep breath, while looking for a meat in your fridge, and let out a shrill trill. Kinda sounds like a Togepi's cry from the cartoon. Shaking your head your eyes catch the eggs and turkey sausages you have.

“Will turkey sausage and eggs work for you two?”

“Never had turkey sausage but it should be fine.” he's leaning forward resting his head in his arms on the table as Connor lays by his bouncing feet.

You set the eye to medium heat and put the sausages on first, leaving three out for Connor. He is a big dog after all. You turned your focus on preparing Connor's oatmeal while the sausages cooked. It was kinda nice having company over even though the circumstances weren't the best. Your neck jerks to the side three times before pulling back. There's more on the way your neck didn't crack and your body doesn't let up until it does.

“So what disorder do you have?” You turn to give Toby a confused look you hope he can read through your mask.

“...I have a few..you want the list?”

“No, the tics. Lower level Tourettes or what?”

“Oh, they stem from my” head jerking twice to the side before cracking “there we go.” “Sorry, they stem from my Autism, at least that's the best I can gather without seeing a specialist. Virginia doctors suck big time.”

“Tell me about it.” that perks you right up, you knew you caught a transatlantic accent, it's pretty much the lack of an accent that gives Virginians away so easily. You already have two guesses on where Toby came from.

“I knew it, you're from Halifax aren't you?!” Since you've turned around to face him you see the exact moment his face drops. Eyes shocked wide open.

“How...did”

“Oh it's easy once you know what to listen for, in fact it was the total lack of any distinguishing accent or use of slang that gave you a way. A lot of people don't notice what they take from their communities linguistically speaking. And for us Virginians it's what we don't take. It's such a bland neutral midpoint it's why it had been so coveted during the radio era and while we might've lost the in-fluctuations as time went by, no longer needing them for our voices to be heard over various frequencies....am I talking too much you can tell me to shut up, really you won't hurt my feelings.” you give Toby a minute to process everything you've just said.

“Special interest?”

“mmm, more a...an interesting factoid.” you hope he registers your smile, hell you hope he doesn't think you're weird. You know how much you can be sometimes, especially when you info dump or overshare information. He manages to nod along with you before finding his voice again.

“Lemme guess NOVA?”

“Pfft, seriously.” you really need him to at least register the disgust on your face if he hasn't been able to read you before, “Listen the Beach isn't much better but I'd probably off myself if I was from NOVA.”

“A public service really.”

You both stare at each other before breaking into a fit of laughter. It's nothing huge but it does seem to put Toby more at ease you noticed. In the time it took you to make breakfast for all three of you you've found out a little bit more about Toby.

He's uncomfortable talking about his hometown, at least you assume, so instead he mentions that he recently came to town with his friends, Brian and Tim. Talks mostly about Connor and you learn he's to help alert Toby of his Tourettes when driving and he can even detect seizures with Brian. That's amazing, service dogs have sure come a long way! And you love hearing what a silly puppy Connor is off duty, it makes you smile. Toby in turn asks about you, and you are such a well of stories. You tell him about your family back on the coast, about your recent move to Kepler, give him a little info on Kepler to help him adjust to his stay, and even get on the topic of your extensive work with animals.

“Sounds like you were working towards being a trainer, why didn't you?”

Making a sound that sort of sounds like a jumbled 'I dunno', “Sort of don't like people that much. Dogs are fine, less complex and less likely to complain when you do something in a different way. But a trainer doesn't train the dog, they train the people.” You're placing Connor's food in front of him as he sits patiently.

It's quiet for a moment as you place a plate in front of Toby and set yours down as well. Not tense just quiet, it's very calming really. Until Toby ruins it.

“Thanks Connor.”

Like he's a voice actor who is over exaggerating the sound effects of a dog munching away at their bowl. Connor inhales harshly before diving head first into the bowl. The dog is ferociously tearing into his breakfast and you can't help the laughter that spills from you at his enthusiasm. Hands coming up near your face and shaking as you shift from foot to foot. It's a happy stim, cute dogs are of course a trigger, someone can complain later you're happy to see a happy excited pup any day.

Taking your seat and turning your attention to your food, you see Toby hasn't touched his own. He's staring at the plate with a furrowed brow, he glances up to you as you remove your mask. You feel a bit vulnerable to be honest.

“Oh is something wrong? Do you want something else?”  He's a guest who's helped you twice now the least you can do is make sure he leaves your home full.

It takes a moment but he gathers his thoughts to explain, “I have a scar...it's pretty bad.” he looks away from you.

You tilt your head not quiet understanding what he means, “Cool story, do you want me to look away?”

He stalls at this, you just keep throwing him for a loop since you met the other day. While he thinks on it you scoop some of your eggs on your spoon and into your mouth. Perfect texture and prefect flavor, today will be good.

Toby seems to have made his decision and without any show he takes his mask off to begin eating. You can see the scar he was talking about, and while the currently red and bleeding'?!' scar on the left corner of his mouth was bad it wasn't much compared to the gaping hole further up that side on his cheek. You can clearly see the even whiter, how this boy is so pale is beyond you, skin around the edges suggesting the wound was older and had started to heal at some point. But you could see most of the teeth on the left side of his mouth. You've never seen these teeth while they were still in the head. A skull or 3D model yea. But never a living breathing person's head. It's fascinating really, you hadn't even noticed that you finished your breakfast as you watched him eat, you were so enthralled.

“You know your lip's bleeding right?” eyes never leaving the boy's teeth as you see them grind down the eggs into the tiniest particles. Neat!

“Rwhatf?” the way he can talk with his mouth full without spilling it from the hole is fucking magic and you won't hear another word on it.

He takes a drink of water, again it doesn't spill. Then you notice the slight tilt of his head...oh he's had practice doing this. Impressive honestly.

“That's what you choose to comment on?” his eyes narrow at you're still gawking form.

“I'm sorry I've just never seen those type of teeth still in head, normally muscle and...and skin cover them. So this is really cool to see them in action!” gosh you're so damn weird. By his stupefied expression Toby seems to think so too.

“Plus the wound looks healed but the lips look fresh,” you get up and grab a few paper towels bringing them over to offer to Toby, “Not to mention it's bleeding and you haven't once wiped it.”

He doesn't reply as he takes the napkins from you and dabs at his scarred lip, looking back and seeing blood just as you said. He was right when he thought he'd been biting himself a few hours ago. He'd totally forgotten to check after getting you home.

“Well I don't feel it so I didn't know actually.” he just resumes eating as if this conversation didn't happen.

“Didn't, didn't, didn't” you get stuck in a loop for a bit before breaking out “you didn't feel it? What do you have congenital insensitivity to pain?” you ask incredulously.

“I haven't heard it called that since I got diagnosed.” still eating he looks at you through his long eyelashes.

This dude could not be a real person. You had to have been imagining your dream friend. Everything you learned about Toby was more interesting than the last...at least for you it was.

“Medical history podcasts are interesting.” you shrug, “should I get the first aid kit?” at his shrug you get up and go to your bathroom to retrieve the kit.

Coming back into the kitchen you catch Toby lowering your plates for Connor to lick clean. You don't see a problem with it but you will wash everything twice since the pup has slobbered on nearly everything anyway. When you don't say anything he lets Connor continue before placing the dishes in your sink.

“Such a big help” you say patting Connor's head as you pass him, “Yea I really am” Toby says as he sits back down. Propping his arm up on the table to rest his head on his knuckles, it was such a fluid and casual motion. As if he's sat at this table everyday of his life, like this was his home and you were his guest. Tied in with how comfy he is man spreading at your kitchen table you'd say he made himself at home just fine.

You smile and scoot your chair next to him first aid kit in between you on the table. Toby looks between you and the kit before leaning in closer for you to work. Grabbing the antiseptic cleaning towels you go to wipe Toby's lip when he flinches away. Probably faking to see your reaction.

“Oh, fuck off you have CIPA.” you laugh grabbing his chin to keep him in place. He rolls his eyes “And you're weird.” The vibrations feel weird against your fingers.

“I know.” you continue cleaning the small bite mark? Well he does have CIPA he wouldn't be able to feel the pain if he was gnawing at his lips. Would he be able to taste the metallic tang of his blood or were taste buds effected by the disorder too? You might need to do another deep dive on this, it just became relevant. Maybe an anxious tic, judging from the larger wound it could be possible. Wearing a mask must help to hide it but not not to stop it getting worse if no one can call you out on it.

“That wasn't an insult...” he says making you look up into his eyes as you dry the wound, “I know.” You smile down at him, knowing this time he can see it on your maskless face.

When you finished cleaning his wounded lips, you drove Toby and Connor back to their home. Which turned out to be the RV at the forgotten entrance of the forest. Toby had been a little wary you knew where he was talking about but seemed to shake it off just as quick when you mentioned hiking a lot and using that entrance because it was the closest to you.

He had put Connor's vest back on and hopped in the back with him. You noticed from the review that Connor's full attention was on you.

“This set up let's him focus on the driver, so he'll tell us if something will impede your driving.” Well that explains Brian's position the first time you four met.

Nodding you sync you phone with the car's bluetooth and pass it to Toby with spotify open.

“Rules of the road, passenger picks music.” you say simply when he questioned it.

He quickly clicked your last playlist. Probably either too lazy to find something or trying to get a better read on you. Music says a lot about a person even if not everyone thinks that way. And unfortunately for you this playlist screams mental illness and a need for therapy. But you have folk punk. So who needs therapy when you can just scream cry these lyrics.

Toby doesn't comment on it, either just totally apathetic or maybe he likes it. He's a bit of an enigma, he's open and honest for the most part but saves his opinions unless directly asked.

Even after making it to the RV without incident Toby tries to distract you for a bit and tempt you out of the car with the possibility of playing with Connor. As fun as the idea sounds and as much as you don't want to be rude, you're very tired and drained. Probably more from “hanging out” with Toby this morning than your actual episode last night. Plus you understand Toby's just trying to be nice and maybe ensure your safety.

“Could I maybe rain-check? I'm actually really tired.” you say with your most polite smile, though he can't see it through the mask  you know he sees the crinkle of your eyes.

“Sure, just get home safe.” you feel that's less about you, but you aren't sure what the hanging subject is. So cryptic.

“Yup,” you chirp, “See you later Tobias!” as you start to back out back onto the road you hear Toby say “ Later YN.”

Driving off you can't keep the smile off of your face. Toby's a nice guy, you hope you get to spend more time with him. And this time the thought isn't centered around also hanging out with Connor. Just about enjoying Toby's company.

Getting home and locking your door you strip your jeans and flannel, leaving you only in your muscle tee, and curl up in your unkempt sheets. You'll do laundry later, right now was time for a little nap.

[runela9]

Alright, folks. This is gonna be a long post and I'm rather piqued, so if you're sensitive to drama or just dgf, I'd recommend skipping this one. 

If you're curious enough to read this, here's a quick backstory. User tinybed left a rude comment on a (genuinely funny) joke about positively recovering from mental illness. @dungeons-and-dragonborns replied basically saying "hey, maybe don't shit on people's coping mechanisms?"  tinybed immediately made an ass of themselves and tried to start a fight. Which they lost. Badly.

So I come in, see what looks like a kid starting drama because they misunderstand tumblr as a concept, and try to explain somethings to tinybed.  I summarized the thread, offered some real world comparisons for context, told them what they did wrong, and suggested they look back at their behavior with a clear head and reconsider acting like that. I'll add screenshots of the original thread in the comments

Apparently tinybed did not like this suggestion.  And apparently I was incorrect in assuming that they would either take my advice or ignore me, like literally anyone else would. Nope. They tried to start shit. 

Unfortunately, I ascribe to the philosophy of "do no harm, but take no shit."  So imma spill the tea.

@tinybed I tried to talk to you like a rational adult, but apparently you have the maturity level of a sixth grade girl, so let me try a language you might be able to understand.  You wanna go?  Let's fucking go.

Essay?  Bitch, that shit was five paragraphs. 316 words.  I could have fit it in three tweets.  If you think that constitutes an essay then your lexile score is lower than I thought.

You hid my reply and then screenshoted parts of it so you could vague about me. Well, guess what bitch? I noticed.

The advice I gave in my original comment was genuine; I do hope everyone with trauma heals from it and relaxing by doing things you enjoy is a great way to clear your head and get some perspective.

I'm also being completely genuine right now, when I advise you to go fuck yourself, in the ass, with a cactus.

And I didn't go to "cycle analysis school," whatever the hell that is. But I am a psychologist, you condescending little fuck. I mainly work in elementary special education, but fortunately I have enough experience with kindergarteners to know a tantrum throwing brat when I see one.

As for your cutesy hashing, you're right.  I'm not "completely normal."  I have a laundry list of neurodivergencies and mental illnesses. But at least I don't have Terminal Brain Rot or Insufferable Asshole Syndrome, like you apparently do.  But, whatever. Congratulations on cyberbullying an autistic woman on tumblr.

...or trying to, at least. Cause you couldn't even do that right.  Those little "memes" you made of me were so bad I actually felt sorry for you. For a second, before I remembered what a massive tool you are.  Honestly, it might have been less pathetic if you'd used a goddamn minion meme ripped from Facebook.

And a couple of shitty gifs with the same sentence on top?

These are deeply terrible, and you know it. That, or you know what a massive shitheel you're being. Why else would you disable the comments?  You knew you'd get criticism and your fragile little ego couldn't take it because you're a fucking coward and afraid of the consequences of your own stupid-ass behavior.

I physically couldn't give less shits about whether or not you want to shave your head.  That's a perfectly valid hairstyle and lots of people look great with no hair, regardless of gender.

No, I was actually referring to the bits where you said "...one of the most insane times of my life where i was least secure in myself" and where you compared people who call themselves sexy to "a chimpanzee begging for its life" immediately after calling yourself sexy.

Generally, functional people don't respond to innocuous comments with that level of vitriol unless they have some kind of personal trauma associated with it. So between your incomprehensible rage, irrational behavior, and that chimpanzee post, I just figured you had some issues with self image.

But I shouldn't have assumed, and I apologize for that. Clearly, you don't have any trauma, you're just a seething pustule of hatred, poorly masquerading as a human being.

Careful, that superiority complex you're using as a crutch won't support the weight of your immense self-esteem issues for much longer. Eventually you'll have to face yourself in the mirror, whether you broke it or not, and you're going to see a depressed chimpanzee looking back.

[evilform]

soup eater, Gimme the works (all of the)m

AUTISM ACTIVATED. ok fuck this is gonna be long. under the cut it goes

📃 what is the plot of your hyperfixation? and is it a movie, game, show, etc?

😔 i am an anime enjoyer sadly enough. theres also the manga but i havent read that SO im just gonna be focusing on the anime for this one. uhhh (digging through my brain) none of this is going to be worded intelligently im sorry give me a moment.

there are these kids and some of them can turn into weapons. actually theres just weapon people in general and thats like Normal. dont ask too many lore questions. and they uhhh the kids go to a high school called the DWMA (lit. demon weapon-meister academy) focused on keeping the balance between good and evil. i uhhhhh

The anime is based on the Soul Eater manga series by Atsushi Ohkubo. The plot of the episodes follows Maka Albarn, a "meister" of the Death Weapon Meister Academy (DWMA), and her living weapon, Soul Eater, as she seeks to make the latter into a "death scythe" through absorbing the souls of evil humans.

thanks wikipedia

📌  how did you find your hyperfixation?

uhhh if im not mistaken an old friend introduced me to it back in 2018!! (hi holly the chances of you reading this are slim but hi) and it recently bubbled back up into my brain. ive been here for 2 years :heart:

✨  what draws you towards your hyperfixation? what is interesting about it?

i think that drew me towards it initially was the very halloweeny, early 2000s feel to it (and.. fair enough, it WAS made in 2008-2009 so its authentic) but what kept me reeled in was a lot of the themes and symbolism that i am waayy too tired to get into rn but i am just telling you bro this anime hits.. a little deep

and also canon nonbinary (even if shoddily translated at first) and psychotic characters win

🎥 do you have any favorite scenes from your hyperfixation?

i DO but i am keeping this spoiler free for you wife. these are all tearjerkers anyways so

🎶  if your hyperfixation has songs/an ost, what is your favorite song from it?

just one? 🥺 honestly the anime’s entire OST goes hard as hell and its super hard picking favorites but here:

LOTUS JUICE - PSYCHEDELIC SOULJAM DJ SHINYA - NEVER LOSE MYSELF LOTUS JUICE - STEP UP

and this one isnt part of the ost butttt....

CHIAKI OMIGAWA/KOKI UCHIYAMA - SOUL EATER CHARACTER SONG (Soul&Maka) - MAUVE IRO NO SYMPATHY

💕  tell us about one of your favorite characters and why you like them!

i could say crona and talk about their character development and how much i see myself in them and how we share the same trauma. or i could say maka and talk about HER character development and how i see myself in her in the sense of always trying to be good enough and pushing her limits to be strong and resilient in the face of everything. or i could say stein and go in depth about how hes written as a psychotic character while still not letting that define his entire being and how much i see myself in HIM. or i could talk about kid and liz and patti a

💔  tell us about one of your LEAST favorite characters and why you dislike them.

🏳‍🌈  do you have any headcanons (lgbt, race, neuro, etc) that are important to you?

lesbian maka, trans/intersex/nonbinary/lesbian crona, transmasc blackstar, nonbinary kid... literally all of these kids are neurodivergent (i see myself in them moment part 3845875)

🍀  do you have any kins or comfort characters from your hyperfixation?

that’s a little personal don’tcha think?

all jokes aside i don’t think i “kin” but uhhhh. honestly most these characters are comfort characters to me. soul eater in general is comfort media

💎  are there any fun facts or trivia that you would like to share?

*does a silly little dance* OHKAY!

none of the soul eater games (there were 3 of them) were ever released outside of japan

black☆star is voiced by women in both the jp and eng dubs

maka was chiaki omigawa’s first VA role

💢  what do you NOT like about your hyperfixation? is there something you would want to change about it?

this isnt anime specific and i am thinking heavily of the manga crona boobage weirdness but every time atsushi ohkubo writes something weird with these characters i feel like this image. it fills me with primal rage

anyways thanks for listening this took me over an hour to write amd i kept bouncing around my room because i am so autistic and this series makes me so happy

[krizaland]

I don’t know if your doing requests right now but I really like your stories and I was wondering if you could do an Autistic!Reader x Zim story. I headconon that defective Irkens are similar to neurodivergent humans and I think it would be interesting to see Zim compare how the reader is treated and how he is treated and to start questioning the Empire.

OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS REQUEST SO MUCH HOLY SHIT!!

I’ve always headcanoned Zim as autistic so I fucking love your headcanon! 

I’m Autistic myself so I have a super sweet chapter story in mind for this one!

I’ll admit, I got a little too self indulgent on this one but that’s because I wrote it from the bottom of my heart.

Be warned: This fic is loosely based on my middle school days so this fic deals with Ableism and includes the R slur!  

With all that out of the way, enjoy the fic!

From the day you were old enough to think, you never felt like you belonged. Everyone always seemed either one step ahead of you or one step behind you.

Everyday your parents would smother you with their high expectations and they would always look down upon you when you couldn’t meet them.

One minute you were praised for your intelligence the next minute you were mocked for not liking the feeling of jeans constricting your waist.

You always saw the world differently than everyone else. Most people assumed you couldn’t do anything right when in reality you simply had your own way of doing tasks.

People always assumed you were an idiotic child. Nobody ever bothered to get to know the real you.

Eventually you begun to believe that there really was something wrong with you. You begun to give up on trying and just wished you could end it all.

The only thing keeping you alive was your ever-growing collection of various toys and stuffed animals.

In truth, your toys felt like your only friends. They never judged nor mocked you. They listened to what you had to say and were always there to offer you a hug when you needed one.

Things only got worse as you got older.

You were forced into social skills classes where they tried to force you to be ‘normal. They forced you to wear unflattering and uncomfortable clothes. They told you to stop talking about your ‘childish’ interests. They even tried to take your toys from you.

But none of those classes worked.

The kids in skool still laughed and mocked you. In fact it seemed the bullying only got worse the harder you tried to fit in.

You tried to eat the revolting cafeteria food but nearly had a meltdown from how awful it tasted.

You tried to ask questions in class but your questions were always called stupid.

You tried to talk about what your peers were into but they wanted nothing to do with you.

However, there was one kid who seemed to understand you.

And his name was Zim.

Zim seemed just as lost and confused as you were.

He often asked ‘stupid’ questions in class and would run off screaming at the mere sight of beans.

He would even sometimes come to skool covered in meat or wearing some kind of ridiculous outfit.

Zim came off as pretty apprehensive at first. Much like you, it seemed as if he didn’t want anyone to bother him.

At first, you assumed he was bullied for his green skin. After all, that Dib kid kept calling him an alien and whatnot.

You always left Zim alone but you did stick up for him whenever Dib was being a jerk.

You would often sit by yourself and try to enjoy some peace and quite before a bully would saunter your way.

However, one fateful day, something wonderful happened.

You sat down at you usual lunch spot and pulled out the lunch you brought from home.

You were about to take a bite when

“Hey! Where did you get that sandwich from?!”

The sound of Zim’s voice made you almost drop your sandwich.

“Oh! Um, I brought it from home?” You stuttered as you caught your sandwich.

“Eh?! You can bring in food from…home?” Zim asked as he inspected your sandwich.

“Of course you can! If you don’t like the cafeteria food then you can always bring something from home! I think…” You explained as you took a bite of your sandwich.

“Huh, so there are no repercussions for bringing outside food and beverages?” Zim’s eyes lit up a bit.

“Nope. None that I know of.”

“Fascinating…” Zim let out a small chuckle.

“What’s so funny?” You grimaced as you put down your sandwich.

“Oh it’s nothing. Nothing at all.. Hey, wait a minute…You’re that Y/N-beast who always defends me from Dib aren’t you?”

“Well I-”

“Aren’t you?!”

“Well I-”

“Aren’t you?!”

“Well I-”

“AREN’T YOU?!”

“YES! I AM Y/N!” You snapped.

“Geez! You don’t have to shout.” Zim huffed.

“Sorry, I get annoyed easily.” You sighed as you resumed easily.

“Yeah, I know what you mean. Humans can be so irritating.” Zim agreed as he sat down next to you.

“I know right? Like I don’t understand why people are always so mad at me! It’s not my fault that I’m not perfect!” You ranted as you kept eating.

“Right?! Humans have such a complicated social structure! It’s almost impossible to keep with with all of these…’trends’.” Zim agreed as he watched you eat.

You and Zim spent the rest of lunch exchanging stories and even cracking jokes about how weird humans were.

From that day forth, you and Zim formed a friendship of sorts.  

You and Zim would always sit together at lunch and recess.

You never seemed to run out of things to talk about!  The only thing that ruined your fun was Dib barging in and screaming about Zim being an alien.

Of course, you would always defend Zim. Hell, at one point you nearly tackled Dib to the ground to stop him from throwing a burrito at Zim’s head.

It wasn’t long before Dib became convinced that you were an alien too.

“Lack of social skills, often staring off in the distance, and now they’re talking with Zim?! Y/N is totally an alien, Gaz! I bet they’re another Irken monster in disguise!” Dib ranted as he watched you and Zim chat.

“Be quiet, Dib.” Gaz grunted as she continued to tap away at her GameSlave.

“I’ve got to do something! I can’t let these two aliens get away with..whatever it is they’re trying to do!” Dib growled as he slammed his fist onto the table.

The next day, you discovered that Zim was absent! You felt you heart sink a bit but continued on with your day nonetheless.

When lunch rolled around, you sat in your usual spot and picked at your food.

“Where’s your little friend today, Y/N?”

The sound of Dib’s smug voice didn’t faze you in the slightest.

“What do you want, Dib?” You grumbled as you kept picking at your food.

“I want you and Zim to stop trying to destroy the Earth! That’s what!” Dib snapped a finger in your face.

“What are you talking about? I don’t want to destroy the Earth.” You grunted as you backed away from Dib’s finger.

“You don’t fool me! I know what you are! You’re an Irken Invader! Just like Zim! You might have a better disguise but I see right through you! You’re nothing more than a space monster! And I’m gonna put a stop to your evil schemes!” Dib rambled as he slammed his hands onto the table.

You let out a yelp at the sudden smack and cradled your lunch.

“Oh don’t try to act all innocent, space scum!” Dib snarled.

“I’m not acting! And I’m not an alien either!” You countered as you started to pack up your lunch.

“Do you think I’m stupid?! It’s sooo obvious you’re an alien! You have no social skills, you’re always making these weird little…humming noises when you talk, you even have an adverse reaction to cafeteria food!” Dib explained as he adjusted his glasses.

“None of that stuff makes me an alien, Dib!” You huffed as you got ready to move to a different spot.

You were about to leave when Dib grabbed your wrist.

“You’re not going anywhere! Except on the front page of crop circles magazine!”

You let out a scream at the sudden contact. Your breathing grew heavy as you could feel every germ from Dib’s grimy hand slither onto your wrist.

“LET GO OF ME! LET GO OF ME!!” You screeched as you tried to break out of Dib’s iron grip.

“Not on your life, space monster!” Dib cackled as he tried to pull you down.

“Look, Dib’s trying to fight the retarded kid!” A random student cried out.

It wasn’t long before the cafeteria erupted into thunderous laughs and jeers. Some kids even pulled out their phones to record the carnage.

You let out a blood curdling shriek and managed to shove Dib off of you.

Before he could react, you ran off into the hallway with tears pouring down your cheeks.

You zipped into the restroom and locked yourself in a large stall.

“Why couldn’t Zim be here?! He wouldn’t let this happen!” You wailed as you slid down to the floor.

Little did you know, that Zim had watched the entire fiasco from the comfort of his lab and he was practically boiling with rage.

Zim was trying to work on his latest experiment but he wanted to check up on you and see how you were doing.

He didn’t expect to see you being abused and mocked in the lunchroom!

And that word “Retarded”… it made Zim’s squeedilyspooch churn.

“Computer, what does…retarded..mean.” Zim almost vomited as the word fell from his mouth.

“Retarded. Short for mental retardation, often used as a slur against those with intellectual disabilities.”

Zim felt his eye twitch at the definition.

“I knew it..” Zim’s words dripped with venom as his breathing grew heavy.

That awful, horrible word! Zim could already feel a negative memory resurface.

While he was never called retarded, he was called a defective.

His mind traveled back to his training days at The Academy.

“Hey look! Stink is trying to fight the Defective!” Skutch called out.

Sure enough, Zim and Stink were already in an all out brawl.

Zim tried to fight back, only to have Stink quickly overpower him.

By that point, a crowd had formed and they were already howling with laughter.

“Wow! He’s so defective he couldn’t even fight Stink!” Skutch mocked.

Skutch’s comment earned him another round of mocking laughter.

Zim was left a battered mess on the floor, barely unable to open his eyes.

“MASTER!”

The sound of his computer snapped Zim back to the present.

“Master! There was an error in the experiment chamber!”

“Scrap that experiment! I have a new plan in store….” Zim’s voice was a low growl as he typed away at his keyboard.

Next

[patchdotexe]

sorry to add on here, this was originally gonna be in the tags only but then i realized the words were just Kinda Happening so:

i was. actually just thinking earlier today that i wasnt sure if i  count as selectively mute BECAUSE of being in fandoms where selective mutism is a common headcanon but it’s like what op said where it’s pretty much “almost always silent and uses ASL all the time”, while i have anxiety/stress-induced nonverbal episodes that can also hit out of seemingly nowhere and last for, like, a couple hours even after the stressful situation is over (+ will be like near-totally quiet irl even when not having a stress-related episode, unless im talking to my roommate)

ive considered learning ASL as a workaround bc i get frustrated abt not being able to communicate (bc for me its “i WANT to be able to get words out or explain things but i Can't”) but despite that being a thing ive wanted to do for over a year now ive made very little progress. i write some selectively mute characters that use ASL or some other way to clearly communicate when they have a “no words only brain hell” episode but it’s kinda a projection of me being like “god i wish i could do that”

but the thing is like. when im not nonverbal i am INCREDIBLY loud and chatty. i do livestreams for, like, several hours, and excitedly ramble the whole time! except, actually, when doing challenge runs with some strangers the past couple weeks i set myself to push-to-talk to have an excuse for why i wasnt talking as much (it was actually because i was starting to go nonverbal from high anxiety but i didnt want to explain that to, like, 7 strangers).

im also very very chatty in text... but that’s because it’s in text, where i’m not having to struggle with my brain deciding that no matter how hard i try or how loudly i think the words i want to say they just wont come out. when i AM able to force the words out, it feels horrible and is a literal strain on me and it leads to a lot of self-hate bc internalized... uh, ableism i guess? of I Should Be Able To Do This Normally, Why Can’t I, I Was Fine Five Minutes Ago

seeing people headcanon characters as selectively mute / being some flavour of nonverbal makes me really happy, because “haha i do that”, but it is very much like what op said where it’s kinda like... i guess a term being used without much understanding of what it actually is or the various levels of it or how it affects situations.

like, im in the henry stickmin fandom, and it is VERY cool to see there being a huge amount of content w/ henry being selectively mute to the point of it being a common tag on ao3 (and i also hc him as that!), and also it’s rather supported by canon because henry is silent 80% of the time but he does talk but ive only seen, like, a couple fics actually go into that & acknowledge that it’s a situational thing + will tie it to being anxiety-related or something similar, and most of everything else writes him as 100% mute despite having the “selectively mute henry” tag.

(and like, im not infallible on this, because i kinda was sliding into that too, and that’s what led me to wake up thinking “so am i selectively mute or do i just have A General Problem, is this even a label i should be considering using for myself” because whoops my perception of myself is very influenced by how fandom content portrays neurodivergencies i happen to have, so uh, thank you op for this post bc it gave me a reason to sit down and Think About It)

oh god this is very long i am so, so sorry

I feel people often misunderstand what being selectively mute means and that it has a spectrum (by severity and manifestation) too like other disorders ?

Like i feel people hear selectively mute and go "oh so you're basically mute by arguable choice and thus learn asl and go through similar stuff mute and deaf people do"

But that isn't really true no ???

There's a large variety to being selectively mute and some peeps DO have similar experiences to mute and deaf people or even nonverbal peeps but not everyone is the same

Like I'm selectively mute but many people don't assume so because when I'm with friends i talk a lot and i can talk in public if I'm with people ! And I'm seemingly "normal" due to this

But people don't see how if I'm by myself i will go fully mute or if I'm in a fearfully stressful situation (especially by myself) i can also completely lose my ability to talk ! I know i have problems with this and it's why i try not to go anywhere by myself (and listen to music often to curb possible convos) and while i can force myself to talk for times like doctor's appointments it's very stressful for me, tiring and i often speak very quietly if i force it and can't force my voice at louder volumes or it will give me panic attacks (it can even make me go mute for the rest of the day or even following day if i force it too much)

Like the main thing with being selectively mute is that you're incapable of speaking when within environments you feel unsafe or stressed in (which this is an anxiety disorder) but you are able to talk while within environments you DO feel safe and often comfortable in

Of course this is a very simplified definition and as i mentioned this disorder is very diverse and people can have selective mutism from/for different things such as trauma related things i believe but y'know the whole "is able to talk when feeling safe" i feel is important

I also don't know asl; I've been trying to learn it on my own time but it just hasn't happened and since i mostly avoid going places by myself/doing things i know will trigger mutism, i never personally had to infact need it (it would make my life easier at some points such with asking things maybe but it hasn't been my only form of communication for extended periods of time). I also when i go mute i often don't want to make any communication really like not even noises or suggestive motions i just want to leave as i fear the communication part

Also i feel the assumption of all selectively mute people knowing asl is similar to that of assuming all blind people know braille like yes this is very helpful and some choose to learn since it is very helpful but not everyone does

This whole post is mainly because I'm seeing an increase in people giving characters selective mutism which is great ! But they tend to treat the character as if they're mute/deaf and they speak strictly in asl and seemingly oftentimes don't have the anxiety of the disorder at all ? Like they're missing the vital part of the reason they're mute being because they're scared and feeling unsafe

For example, i see people give Gordon Freeman (from the game half life) selective mutism but they don't touch upon his anxieties in the situations and again have him strictly mute, only speaking in asl and hardly ever suggest he ever does talk (or use him talking as a joke)

And asl is great and i truly believe everyone should learn it if they can ! I'm glad asl is showing up and being used in the half life fandom ! But please know there's a diversity to this disorder and it isn't just being mute/deaf lite where the person can speak they just don't want to rather than a fear/anxiety response

TL;DR: Please stop making selective mutism mute/deaf lite and ignoring that it's an anxiety based disorder and selectively mute peeps can talk and even be talkative when they feel safe ;;

Btw I'm not like mad or anything about this and i don't want anyone to assume this is like an angry rant or anything it's just something I've noticed and been kinda sad sorta frustrated about ???

I know peeps aren't intending to do this tho is the main point but i just wanted to talk about it :^)

(Also i am not like a professional on this topic nor are my words like an end all be all situation this is just my thoughts and experiences alrighty)

[aneongravestone]

Okay, I’m gonna write a text right now and it’s gonna be huge. I said to myself that I didn’t need to write or even think about this, but this is pissing me off for quite some time and I need to talk about it. So here it is.

I want to talk about all the hate twenty one pilots is getting. So yeah, this is a message to the haters. I’m not posting and writing this to fight or to be rude. I really just wanna understand a few things. I’m not posting this because I love them and you don’t agree with me. I just don’t like the attitudes of these haters.

I’ve been seeing lots of hate towards the boys and here are some of the reasons you guys hate them (according to things I saw on Tumblr, Twitter and Facebook).

(If you wanna read this, I appreciate because it took some time of my life lol, but if you don’t want to, it’s okay)

#1 You hate them because they got too famous

This band grew up too fast. They were just a band that used to play for 12 people, then 300 and suddenly they were playing at Madison Square Garden, winning Grammys and playing on the radio. Maybe you were a fan, that liked them before all of this and you are jealous now. If that’s the case, well, I get you. I know how it feels like to love something and have this as something “yours” and then suddenly you “lose” that to everyone. But that’s the thing: you didn’t lose anything. They are still the same band from Ohio. They are still your band. They will always be and you know that they deserve to be where they are right now. It’s okay to be jealous just don’t allow this to make you hate them. 

Maybe you are a person that didn’t know them or that didn’t even liked them, and now that they are famous it’s even worse because you see them EVERYWHERE. Well, you can’t change that. And it’s okay, you have the right to not like them, you can be tired of them. It’s your right. But think like this: they won’t ALWAYS be on the spotlight. One day they will “fade” a little bit and then you’ll be able to go on with your life. And like I said, you can be tired of them etc, but please, don’t disrespect them. They worked too much to get where they are now. Just stay in your lane and wait. 

#2 You hate them because they talk about mental illnesses in their songs

I’ve seen some people talking about this. And I don’t wanna be rude but I want to begin with this: If you don’t have any mental illness, you don’t have a vote in this. I’m sorry, but you just don’t understand and never will. Unless you are a therapist or something, and if you are one, well, you know how much these boys help a lot of people. If you don’t know this, you should and should respect it.

If you are not a therapist and don’t have any mental illness, you can’t really understand how much these boys help us and make us feel part of something. They make us feel loved, safe and seen. Through our whole lives (I think I can talk in the name of lots of people) we feel like no one take us serious, because guess what? Almost no one takes mental illnesses serious. At least not completely. “You are just dramatic”, “You are just insane”, “Why can’t you be normal?”. These are some of the things we listen everyday. And you don’t know how much it hurts and how much it makes us feel guilty and bad. And then there is a band that say to us that everything we feel is valid and important. That everything we feel and suffer with is real. And this is important. So important. You have no idea how much this means.

And if you say they write about mental illnesses and they can’t because they don’t have any of those things or that we are TOO young to feel like this... Well, then you are another disrespectful person that understand almost nothing about mental illnesses. You have no idea with what those guys deal everyday. You are not here, watching their struggles and fights. We are. The Clique and the boys are fighting together. And if you think like they/we don’t have any of these things, well, then AGAIN people doubt of our mental illnesses. That’s what people do the most. And no! They are not making “being neurodivergent” a trend. They are not making it “look cool”. In their songs they show us how awful these things can be and it’s not to convince people like “it’s nice to be like this” because they KNOW that it’s not. They just talk about it and make us see that we are not alone.

I even saw some people complaining about the “Stay alive” motto. Mate, if you don’t get it, stay in your lane. Just because you don’t get it, it doesn’t make this motto less important. This helps lots of people around the world so what’s the matter? Just respect that.  

And let me tell you something: Mental illnesses don’t have an age. Just because some people are young, it doesn’t mean they don’t suffer with a mental illness.

#3 You hate them because of the Clique

I think this is the main reason. Like, the thing that makes most people hate twenty one pilots. And this is kinda unfair. I see lots of haters generalizing twenty one pilots fans, saying that all of us are hateful, mean, disrespectful and childish. This is not the truth. Not all of us are like this. 

Yeah, I won’t lie. There is a part of the fandom that is really mean and childish. I actually don’t feel like these people are part of the Clique. Because the real Clique is so different than that. We are such a great fandom and I don’t say this just because I’m part of it. I really mean it. During my whole life I never felt part of anything and the Clique literally became my home. This fandom is full of kind, loving and amazing people. It’s a pity you are losing all of this. 

But I don’t blame you if you got resentful with the “Clique” (I say “Clique” because these hateful people are not part of our real Clique). Like, of course if someone said bad things to you, you’ll feel attacked and even sad. And I’m sorry about that. You don’t deserve that. Actually the real Clique feels ashamed for these mean people, these people that you guys think it’s really part of the Clique (because they claim to) because we know that all this hate is becoming a brand for this fandom and that’s totally what we don’t want. 

The Clique is a real place. A good one. A kind and inspirational one. Full of broken people that are just trying to be part of something beautiful and fascinating. We are here because of love and because we want to feel alive. Please, believe in us when we say not all of us are mean and childish. 

Just try to stay away from those people that are mean to you and if they claim they are fans of twenty one pilots, don’t believe them. The boys themselves always say that the Clique is a place where everyone is accepted since there is love in them. And that’s what we are. I’m sorry you have to deal with those people. Every fandom has it dark side and ours seen the most awful one because we are on the spotlight right now. But it’s not awful, friends. Actually there are more kind and nice people here than mean ones.

And please, don’t let a fandom make you hate a band. You can even get distant from the Clique, but please, don’t start hating the boys because of these disrespectful people. The boys are totally different from those mean people.

#4 You hate them because another artist/band deserved more

This is actually something ridiculous. Music is about changing people’s lives and making them feel safe, loved and seen. It’s about making people feel things and being part of something bigger than themselves. It’s such a powerful thing and it’s really sad when people turn it into just a “competition”. 

You are not a fan of every artist and you don’t know how much work they put into everything they do. You don’t see how much they are completely. And of course we are always rooting for our favorites and it’s okay. But you just can’t disrespect other people and their work. 

These boys worked very hard to be here today. And I know your favorite artist/band worked very hard too. But if twenty one pilots did/win something, well, they deserved it. As much as anyone else. And maybe you don’t agree with that and it’s okay. You can say your opinions since you don’t disrespect them and their work. Because I know you don’t want your artists/bands disrespected.

#5 You hate them because it’s cool to hate them

Yeah, I literally read that on Twitter. “I hate twenty one pilots because everyone does. It’s cool”. Like... really? That’s something pretty childish in my opinion. Cool things are made to be... cool, right? Hating is a cool thing now? Hating a band that you don’t even know?! A band that did nothing to deserve all of this hate?! You just listened to Stressed Out, Ride and/or Heathens and you don’t even know the boys as people and you think you have enough to hate them?! HATE? Like, hating is a strong feeling, isn’t it? Even more to feel that for someone that did nothing wrong. Of course it’s your right, but please, don’t disrespect them. 

And hating them because it’s cool, because it’s “trendy”. Geez. That’s childish as hell. Sorry but it’s the truth. I can’t understand a world where hating is cool. 

Okay, so these are some of the main reasons I found/read in some social networks. Do you know what pisses me off? It’s the fact that people take their time to HATE. Like you have all the right to not like/love the band and to say your opinion, but please, don’t disrespect the boys and the fans. Don’t generalize the Clique. Don’t think they are just two boys that got lucky. They worked so hard to be here today and please, respect that. Know to criticize with heart and fairness.

Yeah, this text is long enough already and probably no one is reading right now, but I really wanted to write this?! I don’t even know why. I think it’s because I don’t like when people are unfair and that’s all I find sometimes. In the end of the day, I just see two boys being their best selves and trying to help as many people as they can, and real fans that are trying their best to be kind and to stay alive. Why do you hate this? Why do you spend your time hating and we are here trying to love as much as we can?

[itsjohnegman]

OOC: 1 Year Anniversary (2/4/2017)

((Boy, we sure have come a long way huh?

I wouldn’t say either represents my best works, but they SURE are different. My boy’s different! It’s a whole new world honestly.

I’m gonna get nostalgic below the cut, and do some shout outs–guys, it has been a  r i d e.

I never thought I’d get as far as I did. I’d only RPd once before on Tumblr; it was an Aurora from Sleeping Beauty, and as lovely as she was to explore she didn’t quite click for me. I wasn’t used to keeping a character long term asides–within the year she was gone, though I hang onto her blog for nostalgia’s sake.

A year a go near exactly, @dcstrider went and told me “you know, I think you’d make a good Johh.” John isn’t exactly the character I would have considered ever playing, nor Homestuck the fandom I’d have ever thought to RP in, but seeing Max work was inspiring. One muse, multiple years, off canon while still keeping to the truest spirit of the character, a created verse of shared experiences and rps and art and music…I didn’t know if I was going to be able to pull it off, but boy did I want to try.

I made my John knowing full well I wouldn’t be able to play him close to canon. How could I, a kid who’d just been diagnosed with their anxiety/depression combo for the first time, possibly play a guy who gadflys and pisses people off without so much as a second thought? After playing years of one-shot one-month-tops characters in tabletop with friends who very rarely remembered mun =/= muse, I wasn’t certain if that was the kind of impression I wanted to make on the RP community for my first character. But I didn’t want to make what they call the ‘uwu john’, as cathartic as some players find to make that–defanging him would lose the point of playing him for me, make it so I might as well have just picked up Aurora again. How to reconcile all that?

I did what I love best, and overthought it. John in turn became a character who overthought, over analyzed, remained aware and anxious of their every impression. Like someone had gotten through to him how he was, to somewhat disastrous effect for his persona. And why would that happen? The thought train carried on from there, becoming the basis for what would be his timeline, the Sleeper’s Dream timeline, which I used this anniversary to tease at a little.

I was worried of how I was going to get along on the blog, assuring myself that no activity for starts is normal. And it was–by just doing my own thing for a bit and following people Max recommended to me, I started to gain followers. Interact with them. Flesh out my online RPing style, and as eager as I was for things to HAPPEN to John, they really DID start to happen. I said once ‘you know maybe I won’t be one of those RPers with a group of core buddies, a lot of experiences and changes, one of those blogs that really looks like stuff happened to them, but I’ll be fine just to interact.’ And look now! Several core groups of homies, a bunch of other followers I don’t interact with as often but love to see out and about. 

And you know what, this blog has been an unprecedented situation for me. I went through a lot of changes and discoveries about my own neurodivergences and coping mechanisms while playing John, and I think probably thanks to him a little. And I made a lot of breakthroughs while playing him as an rper and person too--learning a bit how to deal with the ill feeling of confrontation or angst my avoidant ass tries to keep away from, how to breath and communicate past anxiety when reminding myself my rp partners do in fact want to rp with me, more solid exercises in separating mun and muse, handling written angst and muse portrayals responsibly... lots and lots of breakthroughs.

One of the most important though was I had never had a muse that 'grew and chose on their own', like writers talk about so intently. This time though, I got it--I KNEW John's opinions, or his emotions to something ran counter to mine, and what I'd sometimes dismissed as poetic sentiment by authors really started happening, even as I took on new muses, and as someone who lives in their internal world often nothing has been a greater joy sans the friends I've made here.

The reaction to John has been nothing short of stunning--people reflecting on him, engaging with him, messing with him or lusting or pining over him.... You guys and your muses have been just wonderful to me and him. So guys, I just gotta say; thank you, for having me a part of your community. With all my muses, John included, I hope to have a whole lot more stories to tell together.

Alright, that mush out of the way! Now to shout outs.

First one is of course @dcstrider . You got me into this, sonwife, and I couldn’t be more excited to be here. I know we can’t get our muses to talk, but you continue to support, indulge and promo me and DC’s still very much in my orbit in all those respects as well. Here’s to more good, gay times! (I’d say more and make this bigger but I can just gush in person, dweeb)

@virxdian you were probably the very first to follow and the first to engage. I know we don’t keep in contact much now, but you were the first contact--thank you so much, and I hope Kanaya’s story continues to bloom in paths you love. I wish had more to say, but we only interact so much--still, you have a very special place in my heart. Thank you again!

@jazzifiant you reached out to me in a different way--my first OOC chat, one we have never looked back from since. Watching you play your muses and understand them the way you do is amazing, and as bad of practice as it is it makes it difficult sometimes to separate muse from mun for how much I want to shove my boys at your boys. They’re so  LOVELY and so are YOU, instantly recognizable from your adorable love for math and your fall kitty aesthetic and the lovely snaps of Beau you’ll send us.  Honestly? My ‘type so fast you typo’ ooc talking style is accidentally copied from you. :/ Sorry about that.... You and Shan are my h*ckers, and I really can’t tell you how much it means to me that you have let me into your worlds and Shou into your character’s hearts. You are a joy to wake up to, to rp with, to plot and talk to. I can’t wait to see you in the chat. ;3

@aalexmiller the sweetest, softest Shan.... Queen of the Longtypes and inventor of Ideas... talking to you is so good Shan, it’s like floating in warm cinnamon milk...comforting and gentle but far from bland, peppy and sweet and nostalgic almost. You bring soft sweetness with you wherever you go--not to doubt your capabilities to be hardcore in any way, it’s simply your online aura. You’re beyond just softness though--you’re clever as hell too, grasping Sburb concepts and trivia that flee my mind completely and coming up with interesting ideas about the world and the mechanisms off the top of your head. On top of that, you brave a cold and unforgiving cyberscape with not just one, but TWO ocs as your muses and you have made them as complex and interesting as any canon character muse while keeping them and their motivations wholly different. You are a wonder and a delight Shan, and it’s an honor to get to talk to you every day. I can’t wait to talk to you next!

@di-stri-ai Voss, you have tried so hard for my sake. You are admitted online to your anxiousness, and I know it’s so tough to work past that to engage. You’ve gotten amazing headway though, and your muses and art are SO good--please feel free to be confident, I know it’s easy for me to say but people REALLY like your muses and art, and you can totally be proud of that. I gotta buck up and kick some of that good plot jazz off--and I wanna meet up with you irl more often too! I’ll try to text more often--I just want you to know that you’re way important to me, as a friend and as an rp buddy, and I always wanna be able to support you, in this endeavor or in any others.

@asomatousaria I need to make muses who aren’t so intimidated by yours/reach out better, because you are always incredibly fun to talk to. Indulgent and intelligent beyond measure, getting my muses or myself roasted on your psychanalysist rotisserie is always an eye opening and fun as hell experience. It takes me all my willpower to not just throw all my muses at you and ask you to take em to pieces. (whoops, that sounds dirty. :/ sorry bout that) Your grasp of character, motivation, and psyche is impressive beyond belief, and even with your reassurance and total Hamildork/DisneyDork thing going on I often remain intimidated enough to forget to reach out first. ; ~ ; I gotta work on that.... Emi, you’re sharp as a whip, patient and I can’t wait to kick my own ass into doing more with you.

@bvllheaded

I’m not revealing who’s in first place of the ‘Gay for Shou’ club is, but including both fictional and real people you are absolutely in the top five Kera. It’s so much fun rping with you, and as hard of a time as you give yourself for taking your time it’s always SO worth it when it comes around. I eagerly await each ‘installment’ of our rps, because everything that comes of it is so good--we jive and share lots of interests, and that makes the experience all that much more rewarding. Not to mention, you and Jelly have been reteaching me the freedom of fan characters--the fun in it, and the fun in being in an enthusiastic community with others who are just as excited. It’s a blast, and I’m so ready for more.

@canterintuitive

I met you through Kera, and all I knew at first was ‘That person on the Zelda AU RP that whips out really good ref art from nowhere’ which quickly turned into ‘That person on the Zelda AU RP that MAKES really good ref art from nowhere wtf how’. From there, it’s been a fairly new process but it’s incredibly fun to talk to you--both ooc and ic. All your craft is so GOOD and all your characters are so DEFINED, it’s incredible work. Not to mention you’re?? Adorable?? Peter Pan-sthetic is so cute?? I’m honored to be taking on Sam from you, and I hope to do her justice.

@idiotsyncrasis

our gay boys... our gay, gay boys. You are the first to RP a romantic relationship with Shou, and it’s been really interesting negotiating that out via their interactions. It’s a little catch and grab since we let circumstance dictate, but I’d like to think these two are gonna be alright. II know both boys have their problems, but I’m really hoping for some happy gayness in their futures. Your writing is also a joy to behold, meaning these interactions become detailed and lovely. Thank you for being on board with these guys and their eventual happiness. May their gay times intensify and their hearts be light!

If I didn’t get to you here it’s likely cause I’m finishing this up on mobile and about to get dragged into another day of IRL responsibilities, but there’s a lot of people I want to thank for being there, rping with me, and talking to me! So many of you guys I wanna rp with more and get to know....and I have finally made a muse that has lived long enough to feel he’ll be around for longer yet to do so.Here’s to a year of good times, and the hope for many more!

[aquarianlights]

Hey Killian, it’s been a good minute huh? That one strangers back from a long stay in an institution. I’m sorry for not being around to give you the kind words I wanted to. You’re a beautiful man my dear. I love that you can go into long flowing monologues over the littlest things. The way you put words together is unlike anybody I’ve met before. Keep being you, my dear Killian. You’re stronger than you know and I believe you can be anything you want. You can do it!

It’s okay. You need to take care of yourself, too, okay? I’m going through a major, major rough patch in my life and honestly the only place I can vent is on a completely anonymous site where no one can find me. It’s the one and only place I keep anonymity. Which is very weird. I mean, I’m transparent about who I am and everything but the site is so... small and unknown that no one would ever trace me back to anything like the normal social media sites. It’s unreal. I’ve used it a lot in the past, but I was never really, er... anonymous on it. I stretch the truth a bit on there to make me feel more comfortable. Nothing about my life. Everything about my life on there is true. More-so facts about me. For instance, I don’t disclose my transgender status and pass myself off as cisgender very blatantly. Little things about myself like that that would make a reader NOT connect it to ME. Lies about Killian not being my first name. Lies about my initials. As my initials are KQR. Stuff like that so if someone WERE to find me outside of that site, they wouldn’t so much be able to connect the dots unless they were to find this answer right here, which is highly unlikely. But honestly... if it does come to light, I wouldn’t be that upset about it. Because the lies aren’t big and it’s not like I’m forming friendships or bonds with anyone there. And no one looks up to me or forms bonds with me like they do on social media. It’s more of a ....follow my journal entries and send me messages if you want. I can make certain entries private if I want. Blah blah blah. Like. I don’t make anything private, obviously. Anyone who knows me would know that. In fact, anyone who knew me WAY back in the day would actually know what site I’m talking about and yes, if you’re one of those people and you’re thinking about a certain site that I used to be very popular on a long time ago anonymously in the top most popular diaries/journals section for... gosh, months, years? I don’t even know. But if you’re thinking of it, you’re right and yes I’m back there and yes feel free to go find me. I’m p easy to find if you know what to look for. My entries are all true to my life so if you know what site I’m talking about, then you’d be p intimately involved in my life in some way (or... a stalker of some sort LOL) so you’d instantly be able to read even ONE of my entries and know it was mine either from my writing style or from the content of my life that I write about.

I mean, I’m definitely not suppressing emotions like I used to. That’s stupid and immature and the most childish thing anyone can do. Like, no, I’m not a fucking teenager. I’m 26. I’m not suppressing anything. I express my emotions freely and let them flow however and whenever I want or need them to in whatever way I desire wherever I desire. But it’s also nice to have a place where I can be completely anonymous to every single goddamn person on that site and just... be able to vent nonstop and not bother anyone because of my chronic pain issues and the psych issues that come with having severe chronic pain and the stress that goes along with my life and my majors in my two schools. It’s ridiculous.

I don’t know if it’s been scientifically proven that bitching and whining and being loud and noisy about your issues when they’re severe and interfering with your daily life can help... but it has ALWAYS helped me. ESPECIALLY when they’re physical. I feel like that’d be a neuroscientific view of triggering the active distraction mode versus the passive distraction mode in your brain when you literally cannot do anything because of the physical pain and there are no pills or IM or IV meds to help anymore and all the physical therapy, electrode therapy, gels, creams, patches, and anything else will not help. The only thing left is a neurologist... and for that, I have to wait for my insurance to transfer. Sigh. LONG fucking wait and who knows if it even will, tbh. Fuck the government. Fuck america.

Anyways... I’m just having a really rough time because that’s the biggest issue right now and that’s just overshadowing all the other “major” issues which would be like... the major issues in a normal person’s life that would p much shut down even the most neurotypical of people, but I seem to be handling it like a boss. So idk. I’m a fucking demi-god, though, so that’s why probably. Pfft.

I cannot even BEGIN to list the amount of adulting things I am doing on the daily that people are not even slightly seeing because it’s all overshadowed by the fact I need really long breaks and need to be laying down a lot because of the fact I now have the prodromal symptoms to scoliosis and need an MRI stat. So that would just be fucking FANTASTIC to add on top of fibro and ehlers danlos. Fucking shoot me, tbh. I’d take death over this chronic pain any day. ANY DAY.

The pain is so bad that I’d take all the years of suicidal MDD where I was attempting suicide every other day and slicing myself to shreds all the time, barely existing as just a pile of apathy and lethargy, unable to even function as a normal human being coz I was too busy trying to die all the time and fighting with all the people who were forcing me to stay alive.

I literally stabbed myself with a pen just to try to take my mind off of chronic pain and see if acute pain would make it better. Wanted to stab myself with a steak knife but couldn’t do it... coz my A&P classes have me freaked out I might hit something... ugh. And I begged my roommates to hit me over the head with heavy objects or punch me as hard as they could in the temple or strangle me or rip a chunk of my hair out or stab me for me or ANYTHING that would cause major acute injury/pain. They wouldn’t do it. And the pen stab felt like a mosquito bite for about 2 seconds. And all my very serious migraines that impair me to the point of being unable to function at all just feel like pressure now. My joint and muscle pain from fibro and ehlers danlos... are practically gone because of how bad my spinal pain is. And when they examined it, sure enough, ligaments were out of place and either popped out or inflamed...very badly. And the lumbar region ... that part of the spine was just... too far down. It was reaching way too far down into me and sharply pressing onto or into something. And it’s twisted. The wrong way. And it’s fucking agonizing. Thank fuck the doctor was like “Jesus christ, fuck the opioid epidemic... you need this.” Because everything I have been using---voltaren gel, tens machine electrode therapy, lidocaine patches, oral nsaids at the maximum dosage, tylenol at the maximum dosage switched every two days with nsaids, lyrica, physical therapy, valium, who knows what else at this point---hasn’t done a single thing and it is only getting worse and worse every single day. And it’s getting to the point where my gait and my speech and my gestures and my vision and my concentration are..... gone, so to speak. And I’m experiencing the worst sense of vertigo ever and I’ve almost blacked out so many times that it’s terrifying because I have to lay on the nearest object---NOT lean, but LAY. The floor, a bed, a table, a chair.. LAY down on it. Otherwise, I would black out. And I have absolutely NO idea why.

A neurologist is my last and final hope... coz I’ve seen every single other fucking major specialist, barring a chiropractor which is a LAST resort option. If anyone is medical... you’ll all know why and I know you’re all snickering and nodding along with me.

ANYWAYS

Life is fucking painful and I am playing Dark Souls on nightmare mode. I thought living with crippling suicidal depression and a ton of psychotic disorders was daunting and impossible to live with. HAHA. Fucking hell, man. I look back at all those years and fucking LAUGH thinking about it compared to the pain I feel right now. NOTHING compares to it and I would take it all back and get off my medications if someone would just take all of this pain and these physical issues away. For fucks sake. ...thought it was impossible to live with... thought it was the worst thing in the world... I was such a child. Lmao.

So..... that’s the major thing that’s overshadowing everything else that would break a normal, neurotypical person and would probably break neurodivergents just thinking about it, nevertheless doing it, so idk how the fuck I’m functioning. I really don’t know. Here I am at 6am writing this reply because the pain is always too intense to sleep with. Even with these pain killers. Sigh. Fuck this.

Ahem... Rant over. I really go on rants about the most random of things. Jeeze. But that’s why I love myself. And why a lot of people love me. Or hate me. Either or. Doesn’t matter which. Haha.

But I really hope you were put on the “good” side and not the “bad” side or the “bad” building so that you don’t have ward induced PTSD or came out worse than going in. I’ve never been on the good side, but everyone who has are the people who are always the ones who are the ones saying “No omg wards saved my life and they are great whine whine wards are amazing and I’m gonna voluntarily commit myself every time I’m feeling anxious now hahah they’re so good for the soul!” and stupid stuff like that. Maybe not to that extreme NORMALLY, but I damn well HAVE seen it to that extreme quite a few times and dear god it’s annoying because they are the ones who are set in their ways and won’t listen because they’ve been in wards so, obviously, there’s no such thing as a “bad” side or they would know. So they call to find out or ask at their next voluntary admission and see if there’s such a thing and when they get the answer of “no” on the good side, they come back adamant that there’s no such thing because they don’t know how that works, how the laws work, and what the entire purpose of the “good” versus “bad” sides are and how they came about in an historical context and they don’t even bother to listen attentively for the slight codes over the speakers or the hushed phone calls to and from each side. Or, if they’re lucky, it’s COMPLETELY out of sight and out of mind because it’ll be a completely different building instead of a different floor or different wing. And then they get REALLYYYYYYYYYYY set in their fucking ways. In that case, it’s fucking IMPOSSIBLE to talk them out of it because “Well what you said didn’t happen, so it’s wrong. Duh.” Yikes. Just... yikes. Like, hello, hi, yes, I’m Killian and I stopped counting my institutionalizations at 20 times so I don’t know how many I’ve been in now but I’m p sure I know how it works now. Not to mention I dated someone who worked at one. So you can just, uh, fuck the hell off, yeah? (That’s usually some snarky response I have in my head when I’m flabbergasted at the ignorance these people have, honestly, to not know of the existence of the separation of the two and WHY they are separate and WHY it’s all hush hush when you’re on the good side and you don’t hear about it and WHY you have a grand fucking jolly good time on the good side and feel it genuinely helped, WHITE BECKY. ugh. Me at these people, seen below, as a corgi.)

.

..

...

BUT ER YEAH SO UH

I really hope you were on the good side so that you actually got help and so that you didn’t come out worse and with a huge extra shot of PTSD attached to your already very valid issues. And I’m so sorry if you got accidentally or purposefully thrown on the bad side. It happens accidentally a lot. Hell, an older woman with Alzheimer’s was on my unit once. It helped everyone, though. There wasn’t any blood spilled while she was there because everyone was doing their best to help her. She didn’t belong there at all and it was just her grandkids fucking her over for some reason we weren’t privy to and ... oh jesus christ, man, like thank fuck I have a heavy medical background. Came in handy. Really did. Ofc, as soon as she left, it was back to the blood and nonstop fights and lockdowns and thorazine cocktails and getting strapped down for nothing more than a sarcastic comment and all the physical and verbal abuse from staff and patients alike and the not getting seen or heard and this and that blah blah blah I could go on for hours.

But ahhhhhhh......... Just really hoping they purposefully (or even accidentally... either way is perfect) put you on the good side and you came out either the same, okay, or better for it. Take care of yourself and heed your own advice.

I want you to do something for me, okay nons? I want you to take every bit of those kind words you say to me and I want you to imprint them on yourself. Can you do that for me? Take all those words and internalize them and make them your own. If it helps, imagine I’m saying them to you. Okay?

I mean, in the end, you do you. Coz you’re an awesome person and a loved person. So... if that means ward time, then okay. That’s fine. You do you. I had to learn that the hard way. It’s not a bad thing. The only bad thing is the PTSD associated with it all and ofc all the things associated with PTSD... which is uh... you know... kind of er.. LIFE CHANGING IN THE WORST OF WAYS.

SO take care of yourself, okay? Dw about me. If I die, then it’s a purely good thing. If I live, then it’s an equally good thing and bad thing. Either way, I win in both scenarios. Since there is no getting rid of chronic pain. Especially the two chronic conditions I’ve been diagnosed with and now THIS spinal thing that I have no idea what it is except the prodromal to scoliosis or possibly actually scoliosis. . .which could and WOULD destroy my life. So. Right now, I have no reason to live, tbh, The pain is THAT intense. Yes, I have reasons but they’re overshadowed by how intense the pain is... Except for Echo. He’s the only thing thing I’d have a hard time leaving. I’d have to find someone I know and trust with steady finances throughout their entire adult life who knows how to handle spitz breeds and can properly take care of a neurotic 17lb pomeranian and really has the time to devote to him and all.

Most people cannot handle a pomeranian or spitz breeds in general and I honestly did not know that until I got Echo and owned him. I thought I knew what I was getting into just from extensive research and my grooming parlour history and my volunteering history and my pet sitting history. But... no... I had no fucking idea the extent at which you have to go for spitz breeds. And double coats. It’s... WAY above and beyond. And then on top of that, he’s diagnosed neurotic which is a little different in terms of what that means in dogs than in humans. So he’s, er... snappy and he’s very... adversarial. 

“A neurotic dog can be defined as a dog that is excessively anxious and highly emotionally upset.”“If your dog seems moody, in need of constant reassurance, and excessively suspicious of other dogs or cats in the house, or even of human beings then chances are you've a neurotic dog.”Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/1113508

That’s a pretty damn good and concise article on canine neurosis. Echo is more extreme in his neurosis than most. It happened before we got him. That’s why they called him “The Bully” and told us “Oh no, you don’t want him” when I was adamant that “Uh yes. That is going to be my dog and you cannot tell me otherwise. I don’t want the others. I want him. He is my dog. He is MY dog. I am HIS human. We are family. . .” I have never had a connection wth an animal like I do with my son.

...which is why I cannot die for him. And why I DO have one reason to live for that DOES overrule the pain and how intense it is.

The rest of my reasons... some come close, some are right at the border... some are right ON the border... but none are above it. If you get my drift. Echo is the only thing keeping me here.

...and honestly? It sucks. It sucks that I have to remain here because that’s how bad the pain is. My dreams to stick with pre-med and follow it through all the way to my dream residency program and one day be an attending at that hospital and take on a fellowship.... That is one of the VERY few things that are so close to the top of the border that it’s almost bursting through to Echo level... but not quite. And that kills me. Because I finally found my purpose and I may be knocked out of the game before I can even find out if I can make it there. Because of my body and because of physical disabilities that I cannot help and could never foresee. It had nothing to do with genetics. Nothing to do with my drug use or my alcoholism. Nothing to do with any of my habits. It was all completely fucking random. It was literally... Ehlers Danlos and fibro? “Some people are just born with it.” That is verbatim what my rheumatologist said to me when I begged him for answers on why this was happening to me, holding back tears. “Is it genetics? Is it what I did in the past? I used to do a TON of illegal drugs and drink a ton, too. Usually at the same time. All day and all night. It was terrible. For years upon years. And I’ve been anorexic for a long time. And this and that and... I don’t know. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!?” “Some people are just born with it.”

Fucking hell.

Alright, I’m gonna shut up.

But, man, that felt good to rant.

Thank you for being my muse. Lol.

And I appreciate the encouragement so much.

People either LOVE my little novellas to death... or they’re like “What the fuck is with you ranting about absolutely nothing when someone just says “hey” to you? Completely unnecessary.” I’m like “Uh, FIRST OF ALL” and then I complete that WITH A NOVELLA LMAOOOOOOO. And usually get the answer “Uh, okay, professor. I’m not reading that.” And it’s great because I usually didn’t write it for them. I usually write it for me. So I know they’re not gonna read it ahead of time because of hat comment.. so I just write about a ton of stuff that I’ve been needing to vent about for a long fucking time and get it out and no one will read it because they think it’s a furious, passive aggressive rebuttal to some nice guy(tm) telling me he hates the way I go into tirades like this. HAHA. So it’s a win-win situation for me when people like that pop up in my life. The simpletons who give me one word introductions or one line phrases. I get to respond with huge novellas and they get SUPER offended about it for some reason and feel it’s necessary to tell me how offended they are in that passive aggressive manner and it’s just... ahh, it’s so refreshing to me because it feels like my weekly debt collector calls. I absolutely LOVE my debt collector calls. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, if it’s a debt collector, I stop what I’m doing to answer it. It’s just so much fun. I feel bad for one of them, though, coz it’s the same guy who has been assigned to my case and I end up changing my spiel to him every time. So now LAST TIME HE ASKED ME “Is your name [birth name]?” as per usual to confirm it was me before going into “This is a call to attempt to collect a debt” spiel. And I answered with “You know, I’m actually not sure. You tell me.” And he FUCKING HUNG UP ON ME AND I HAVE NEVER LAUGHED SO HARD IN MY LIFE. Every debt collector call I get brings so much joy into my day that I just... even if I’m having the worst day and I’m sobbing on the couch about to slice my forearm open... if I debt collector calls me, I will answer and pretend to be a forlorn widow, twice abandoned, which is obviously why I’m crying because my partner just ran out on me. TRAGIC, AMIRITE. I like it when they have enough heart to ask me “What’s wrong” when I say “I just... don’t know if that’s my name... I’m in such dissarray right now that I don’t even know who I am anymore.” And they say “Maybe I should call back later.” And I say “OH no no, this is a fine time. I need a distraction. Desperately. Please. You’re all I have.” Which then normally chimes the hesitant “This is a call to collect a .... actually... I just... what’s wrong?” And then I have to force myself to keep crying as I put my 10 blade down and go “Well, you see, it all started when...” and I make up some super elaborate story, choking and voice shaking all the way. Improving on the spot. It’s SOOOOOOO much fun. Jesus fucking christ. And by the time I get off the phone, I’M NOT SAD ANYMORE AND I DON’T WANT TO KILL MYSELF ANYMORE!

But the ones where I can just... answer EVERYTHING they ask me with a question... and then when they FINALLY (very frustrated at this point, ofc) get to the end in double or triple the time that they should have, I’m guessing, and can ask me “What would you like to do about x amount of money/How would you like to pay/take care of this?”, I instantly drop whatever facade I had going to say something like “Bitch please, you can send that bill to the orange in the whitehouse. He’s the one who is forcing it to continue happening in the first place.” I keep that one as concise as possible. It has a major variation of that every time, though. Telling them to send it to Trump with the implication of how opposed I am to our healthcare system and how angry I am about my exorbitant medical debt and how completely unnecessary it is that I have it and how the 1% should be fucking paying it until the ones in power fix it to the right system, with absolutely bitterness seething from every fucking syllable like fucking poison. And then, ofc, they stutter on the end of the line: “I, uh... we... we can’t do that, so, uh... how do you want us, to, uh...” “Well, dear, let me spell it out for you. No, I really will spell it out for you. Are you ready? I have the address to the white house. Got a pen and paper handy? Computer?” “What? No, you can’t jus-” “Okay good. So the address is-” And I go on to speak OVER THEM with whatever address is listed online that I can find in the moment through a quick google search and as they try to cut me off, I just talk as loudly as I can. And every time they try to cut me off or tell me they can’t, I just get this super chipper, sadistic tone and go “Awe, thank you so much for sending it for me! I’m super excited to hear the response from a piece of fruit! Don’t think those tiny hands are big enough to hold a pencil, but we’ll see, eh?” And the jokes just go ON AND ON and I have a fucking MILLION of em and they don’t STOP and they’re terrible and I DO NOT STOP until the debt collector on the other end is so frustrated that they finally say “I’m going to put it down that you’re not going to pay.” And I just keep responding with. “You’re such a sweetheart for getting that payment taken care of for me! Now, where did you say you worked out of again? What’s the weather like? Super hot here in New Orleans... gonna be one HELL of a summer. GET IT!? HELL!? HAHA” Click. Line dead. And then I’m just fucking howling as I drop my phone.

And my POINT is (yes, I actually have a point, wow haha) that when good guys(tm) feel the need to point out their unnecessary opinion about my completely unnecessary novellas of ramblings, I like to respond with one paragraph of a “FIRST OF ALL” message so they think the ENTIRE message is going to just be a passive aggressive rebuttal... and then I have a bunch of fun with the response and get to vent a fuckton about what’s going on and get to also have a ton of fun and throw in “did you know” facts and horrible, horrible puns and dad jokes and then end it with a paragraph that seems like it would be fitting to a rebuttal that was started in the first paragraph because I legit do want to write a rebuttal but I don’t care enough to say much but I love to use the opportunity to vent in a public space (usually here on tumblr when a nice guy anon sends me a question I deem stupid or in a threat on fb that I deem stupid and a nice guy(tm) is mistreating my friends and I have to sigh to myself and step in and make everything better, as per usual, because confusing the masses with doublespeak and making people question whether or not they’re absolute correct information and absolutely wrong information alike is right or wrong is my specialty). 

Public venting is the only way that things make me feel better because I need an anonymous audience. I don’t want to force people to listen to me whine, but I need a platform where people CAN listen to me whine if they WANT TO (and surprisingly a LOT of people do lol) and get feedback and help and similar stories and advice and such of their own free will without me prompting anyone or asking for it. Helps a fuckton. Just writing stuff down in a journal or notebook? Doesn’t do a fucking thing for as a coping mechanism. Forcing people to listen to me? Boring and defeats the purpose and isn’t a coping mechanism for me coz that means they’re not actively listening. Like psychologists. People who are fucking paid to listen. I don’t trust people who are active listeners. I need passive listeners. People who will overhear a conversation in a coffee shop I have on the phone with someone in a corner while there’s a group of perfect looking, white, trust fund, fraternity and sorority people chatting and laughing loudly in their expensive brand name clothes in the middle of the shop and have that one person come over to me after I’m done with my phone call to say something about how they like this or that about how I talk or was interested in what I was saying and wanted to know more about x or y. Or something else about a topic or the way I spoke and gestured or something weird like that that really intrigues me and makes me feel heard and appreciated and loved because I never prompted anyone into coming to me. Never.

And that, my friend, is the story of why the grinch stole christmas.

No, that’s the story of why Killian literally needs a public platform to vent on.

Okay now I’m REALLY done. I swear. I promise. I fucking PROMISE lmaaaaoooooo. Sorrryyyy.

Nah, I really hope you’re okay, fam. Coz I certainly most definitely 200% am NOT haha.

Live long and prosper.

[jessi-31days-blog]

Day 7, Saturday, October 7th

I wake up at an astounding 1pm. 

I went to bed at 2am at the latest last night, and I have no idea what compelled my body to sleep for 11 hours. Maybe it’s because I only got 6 hours yesterday and went on that long walk? I don’t know. The DoYogaWithMe program I’m doing has day 7 as a rest day, so it has no yoga or guided meditation for day 7. I still wanted to do a quick yoga video off youtube, but I’ll happily use this excuse to not do a guided meditation today. Don’t judge me, meditation is really hard for me and I want a break lol.

Yoga Class - “Energizing Morning Yoga Routine for Busy Days” by Caren Baginski on Youtube - 9 mins:

This was a pretty short video, as you can tell. But it definitely woke me up and prepared my brain for the day. I felt a bit better afterwards.

Guided Meditation

Read a Proverb - Proverbs 7:

Look, I read it, but I honestly don’t feel like I’m the target audience for this particular chapter of Proverbs. I mean it’s about cherishing wisdom, which is great, but it’s main focus is being wise to avoid adultery. Also, I’d like to look more into certain other topics mentioned in this chapter before I decide what I believe I can learn here, so I’m going to skip this one for today. 

Blog Post - TheMighty.com - “Why Mental Illness Makes Me Not Want To Have Kids” by Angela Theresa:

The pressure on me from [redacted family member name] to have children is pretty heavy. It’s almost assumed that I will have children one day. If I gave the reason why this person wants me to have children, it may reveal who it is to the people in my life who know me, so I’ll keep this to myself. However, I don’t know if I want children or if I could even handle having children because of my mental health problems. Reading this article helped me understand a little better why I may end up choosing to not have children (or at least not biological ones) in my life. I’m going to do things differently today. I’m going to do a bit of a commentary on this blog, paragraph by paragraph, though I may skip a thing or two. So here goes.

“I do not want children — not right now at least.

I’m 22, I’m trying to build a writing and editing career, I want to travel and find love, and so much more. But I just do not want kids now.

Warning – personal opinion feminist tangent: No matter her rationale, a woman not wanting children should be entirely her choice and no one should ever question her reasons.” I’m a bit older than this woman. I’m 25. We have similar desires, though writing is more of a hobby to me and I’m pursuing a medical assistant career. I definitely agree with her opinion on a woman’s choice to not have children. The pressure society puts on young married couples to have children is unreal. It’s almost considered outlandish when a couple doesn’t want children. This expectation is pressuring people who don’t want to (or better yet, shouldn’t) breed into breeding, as to satisfy the societal norms. “As for mine: I’m not a natural nurturer, I don’t particularly like most children, the world is a cruel place to bring a child into, I like my sleep, I want to be location independent.” This is pretty much how I feel as well, aside from the idea that the world is too cruel to bring a child into. The world is cruel, but her wording makes it sound like people who do want kids like cruel people for making that choice. Other than that, I’m also not very nurturing, I LOVE sleep, and I’d like some of my own kind of independence as well. “Though my reasons are varied and multiple, I’ve come to realize that, above all else, what most inhibits me from planning children is my multiple mental illness diagnoses. I believe children and forming a family are a neurotypical privilege that, though not impossible, can be made all the more difficult by having mental health issues. I could pass on my mental illnesses to them. I will never have a biological child. I could not, in good consciousness, ever pass on the mental health hell that is my genetic makeup. Knowing that I could be condemning a child to a life where he or she would have to fight every day like I do, sometimes just to stay alive, is something that I could not bear. I know I am strong and a survivor, but there are other ways to become a badass like me. I would not wish neurodivergence on anyone.” As someone who is bisexual, the prospect of having a child has many different paths it could go, should I ever choose to be a parent. If I end up marrying a woman, and she is completely free of mental illness and has no history of it in her family, then if we want children, she can be the one to carry the child. If she also has a mental illness or does not want to experience pregnancy, we can adopt. If I marry a man, if he is completely free of mental illness, then we can either play the genetic lottery and hope our child doesn’t get my mental genetics, or we can adopt (especially if he too has mental health issues). But at the end of the day, I could not live with knowing I brought a child into this world against their will and exposed them to my mental health genetics. Like Angela here says, I also would not wish neurodivergence on anyone. “My child would have a mentally ill parent.

Even if my child somehow won the genetic lottery and did not end up with any of my mental illnesses, they would have to grow up with a mentally ill parent. I know if I had a child, I would try to always to be the best mother I could possibly be. However, no matter how much help I get or how stable I am, there will always be days where my moods fluctuate, days where I cannot get out of bed, days where I unravel.

I applaud the mothers with mental illnesses who get up every day and raise their children, but I know it’s not an environment I would be prepared to raise a child in. I have a hard enough time taking care of myself and I would not have the space or the energy left over to take care of another human being.

My brain is too unpredictable for a child.

I am too unstable for a child.” I have had periods of time where I was stable, only for one day everything just crashes for me. I feel the same way Angela does. I can try my best to maintain stability for my child, but I’m not sure I could truly give them everything they need. I’m also afraid that my tendency towards anger would make me yell at my child or be unreasonably angry at them. I know I’d never abuse my child physically, but I’ve had moments where my family or friends have done something to piss me off and I responded with way more anger than a normal person would. I just don’t trust myself to keep my cool. My brain, as Angela says about hers, is too unpredictable and unstable for a child. “I have chronic exhaustion.

Many mental illnesses come with the side effect/symptom of chronic exhaustion. I am always tired and I need constant rest. From what I hear about parenthood, there are many sleepless nights and constant early mornings. Adding a baby to preexisting chronic exhaustion probably wouldn’t end well.

At the very least, with all my quirks and stories to tell, I will be a fantastic aunt.” This is the end of the article, and this describes me as well. I have this symptom. I need my 9 hours most days, and some days I randomly need 12. Parenting would be too exhausting for me, and I feel like I would lose it. I can’t expose my child to that. I can’t really be an aunt, as I am a single child, but I can definitely be a cat mom. My parents may have to settle for a grandcat. But who knows.

Encouraging someone on Reddit - r/anxiety:

Okay, before I continue, I would just like it to be known that I’m probably going to piss some people off here. I really was going to try and avoid addressing anything political in this blog series, but this one was too important to leave out. This topic is particularly spicy considering that this is Tumblr I am posting to, of all places. So, I really am sorry if I piss you off. That being said, here’s who I encouraged today: Someone, who identifies himself as a straight man, said he was diagnosed with GAD and that his anxiety attacks only last about 30 mins, except for today. He was expressing his dislike for an answer to a question that is popular in today’s social political discourse: “Would you date or have sex with a transgender person?” This poor guy was beating himself up for his answer being no, because he felt that made him transphobic (even though he also explicitly stated that he is for trans rights). He expressed feeling severe anxiety over the fear of what people would think of him for feeling this way. He knows he’s a respectful guy who values human rights, but he’s seen the majority of people in his life (and I wouldn’t be shocked if he heard this on youtube), when presented with the same question, have answered that it’s transphobic if you don’t date or have sex with someone who is transgender. He mentions being very insecure and wants people to like him. Then, he asks what other redditors think and how they would answer the question. This is what I said: “You're not transphobic for this, and you are in no way morally obligated to date or have sex with ANYONE who is outside of your personal preferences in a partner. Don't let LGBT youtube tell you how to feel about your personal sense of attraction.

I'm a bisexual woman. What would I do if my potential partner was trans? I wouldn't care. Woman with a penis, man with a pussy, woman with a surgically created pussy, man with a surgically created dick; none of that matters to me. But that's *my* preferences.

But that doesn't make me morally superior to you in any way. Some people don't like blondes. Some people don't want to date someone who has a mental illness. Some people look for a partner with large breasts, or with/without tattoos, or someone with a lot of freckles. Some people won't date people who aren't fans of their favorite sports team, some people won't date republicans, some people won't date atheists. But we don't call people with these preferences bigoted. Yet suddenly you say you don't want to have sex with anyone from the transgender population, who in the United States alone only make up 0.6% of the population according to The Williams Institute in 2016, and now you're transphobic even though you support their rights and humanity? That's such an insane claim to make about someone. You are not a bad person, and don't let idiots or your anxiety tell you otherwise.”

Another yoga class - “Yoga To Get The Juices Flowing” by Yoga With Adriene on Youtube - 8 mins:

So my exercise for the day is kind of cheating, since it’s only a simple 8 minute yoga class, but it’s better than nothing lol. It felt good to get a bit of blood flow throughout my body and hopefully my brain. End of Day Notes: I felt better emotionally today than I did yesterday. My mood wasn’t too low, which is great. Hopefully this means I’m making improvements to my brain’s health. Only time will tell.