#sorry this turned into a lecture

[bless-my-demons]

Personal Update

Oh my goodness, I’ve taken so much time off since I’ve posted anything and I want to start by saying I’m so sorry! I’m not sorry for taking the time off, but I am sorry for how long it’s been and how I kinda just dropped off the face of the earth though. I will say, I finally do feel like I’ve kinda evened out, I feel more regulated and at peace.

It’s been about 7ish months post-divorce, 6 months since I’ve put my soul-dog to rest, and I’ve actually been on a deployment for the last 4 months (2 more months to go!). And in that time I’ve done a LOT of internal growth, I’ve transitioned from the wife mindset to a single woman mindset and it’s not as scary as I thought, it’s lonely, but I’m finally pouring that love back into myself. I realized that it is in fact, possible to flirt and find other men attractive - fucking insane thought I know, but I really did only have eyes for my ex-husband for almost a decade. I also am coming around to the fact that I am attractive, I am a desirable woman, I absolutely have charisma as well as so many other positive qualities, and that I can attract much higher caliber men than my ex. I am going with the flow and seeing what the universe flows my way - a 180° spin from the anxiety I’m trying to let go of, I can’t control everything.

Am I still writing? When will I update? Sorry again, but I’m not putting myself back on a posting schedule just yet. I am writing though! Most of my ideas lately have been for a different WIP than Redamancy… but I have been getting sparks of ideas at random points throughout my day and holy shit what a relief that is to feel creative again!

I’ve been in survival mode for so goddamn long and I’m getting back to being me again, trust me - there’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about you guys! I still see your likes and comments and reblogs everyday!

Love you guys🥹 and for those of you that see this and respond with kindness, thank you for being patient - you’re the reason I feel like I can return🫶

[fearandhatred]

clandestine meetings <3

this was inspired by a peaky blinders scene can you believe

[reminiscentrainclouds]

They infect my art history notes once more.

[rebornofstars]

if anyone seeing this post is under the impression that not attending university lectures is fun and edgy. let me paint you a picture. you are going to look at your calendar one day soon and realise your final is in 38 hours and you still have 17 and a half hour long lectures to watch and take notes from.. and while this is possible to achieve it's not exactly relaxing. yeah i'm still fine-tuning my academic skills what abt it

[incorrect-koh-posts]

Your knowledge of medieval stuff is really impressive! You said in the tags of that ask you answered that you majored in literature? I would love to hear more about your passion for medieval literature and just medieval times in general. Did it start with Kingdom of Heaven or were you interested in it long before watching the film?

Ahh, I'm glad you think so, thank you! ☺️

I did my BA with a major in German literature and linguistics and a minor in English lit. For my MA (which I'm almost finished with save for my thesis defence), I switched to English full-time. My interest in medieval literature is really something that came with my studies - I've always had a general interest in history and read lots of historical fiction while in school, but I'd had basically no exposure to medieval texts (or the knowledge to engage somewhat meaningfully with them) until I had to take my first compulsory "Introduction to Medieval Literature" class at uni. From then on, I just kind of fell in love with the subject. We had a great prof - a really cool older lady who gave the most engaging lectures and with whom I later took seminars on topics like the medieval idea of monsters or animal depictions in chivalric romance.

Within all things medieval, the area that perhaps fascinates me the most is medievalism studies, which is a sort of sub-discipline of medieval studies that investigates, broadly speaking, the reception and depiction of the Middle Ages as well as medieval texts and topics in post-medieval media. Idk why it had to be that field in particular, but there's just something so beautiful in finding parallels and continuities between our world and the medieval one, especially since misconceptions about the Middle Ages are still so prevalent. Unsurprisingly, I wrote both of my dissertations on such medieval/modern overlaps: In my BA thesis I looked into the portrayal and function of mentor-mentee relationships in medieval literature and modern adolescent fiction (lots of commonalities there, interestingly enough!), whereas in my MA diss I focused on the construction of dystopian scenarios in recent British Arthurian fiction and how these respond not only to the older Arthurian material but also to present-day environmental and political anxieties. (Sounds a bit complicated but it makes sense, I promise.)

Perhaps this is why KoH has had such a chokehold on me these past 4 years. It's such a flawed piece of media that it makes me want to dig my teeth into it, in an academic as well as a fic-writing sense. There are so many moments in it that could be right out of a chivalric romance, yet also so many others where the film blows its pretence to historicity to all hell; there are so many interesting characters who only scratch at the surface of the historical figures behind them, and simply so much wasted potential. It's just ... ahhh.

The funny thing is that my growing interest in medieval literature kind of coincided with me discovering KoH, which in turn made me dig even deeper into the research side of things (a vicious circle lol). I think I wrote another post on this about a year ago, but me discovering - or rather re-discovering - Kingdom of Heaven was basically the result of the following chain reaction: I somehow stumbled upon an old novel covering the same events as KoH (Graham Shelby's The Knights of Dark Renown) > something in that book's depiction of Raymond of Tripoli scratched my brain in the right place > I investigated further and found KoH > I saw that skrunkly Mr Irons was part of the cast and decided I had to watch it immediately. In such matters I'm a simple girl - nothing will incite me to watch a film more than an old history man being hot 😂

And then half-way through the film I remembered I'd actually seen it before - with my former best friend during the early years of secondary school when she was obsessed (and by that I mean obsessed) with Orlando Bloom and made me watch literally every film with him that she could get her hands on. Which was a good thing only insofar as it made me discover Lord of the Rings. Though in hindsight it's very funny because she clearly intended for me to join her in her Orlando insanity, whereas confused 11-year-old me instead stared at Aragorn and Tiberias like this: 😳. Yes, I've always had impeccable taste, obviously.

And thus, in the spring of the year of our Lord 2020, I entered my KoH era, and so far the brainrot is still thriving.

I do wonder, though, how many people in the fandom have a similar background? The handful of people that I know or have interacted with seem to skew that way, with mostly history- or literature-related fields of study, but I wonder how representative they are of the overall fandom 🤔

In any case, thank you for the fun ask that did not flatter me at all!

[copia]

I'LL PROBABLY HAVE TO HANDLE THE GHOST TOUR WHILST TRYING TO WRITE MY 3RD YEAR ENGINEERING THESIS FUCK

[charmixpower]

got any future plans for adding to the child Valtor au, because the more i think about the more i wonder about how his age changes the way he interacts with the characters and vice versa

I cannot tell you how much I've been thinking about child Valtor ever since I made that post

You what a bunch of hcs??? You get a bunch of hcs!!!

Like Winx says that Valtor was made by the ancestral witches, he wasn't born, and he actively trashes against the control the ancestral witches have on him and they straight up help Bloom kill him for the kicks?? And it's like, just there? I love it but it's so easy to kill off Valtor bc he has control over his actions and he's an adult and you don't get to sit with these uncomfortable implications due to that. The tragedy has already happened, it's passed, you don't have to look at it. You know??? Not anymore, we all hurt forever

Can you imagine being Daphne??? Seeing Valtor hiding behind Belladonna's leg, this child. Can't be older than 11. Fighting your fellow Nymph's, and you can't even think about that, pay attention to that, because you need to fight Belladonna and protect your planet. This wasn't a priority, that child those evil women created wasn't a priority. How would you ever recover??

The company of light is made up of educators, people who dedicated their life to children. A stutter, a small child's eyes winding in panic. None of them could follow though. It was safer to kill him, he was made, he doesn't have a soul, it was the right option. They send him to the Omega dimension instead

He wakes up from the ice to see Belladonna's cold eyes staring back at him. She doesn't look the exact same but he knows that smile and he knows those eyes. He'd recognize his mother anywhere. He does what he's told for new Belladonna too, not that he knows why. Icy has plans, plans he's supposed to help out with

He clings to Bloom. Her magic feels like his, she's the only person who could begin to understand how he feels. She was chosen too, right? She gets it doesn't she? How could she not. He just wants someone, anyone to understand him, to help him. He couldn't tell you what he wants help with. The Ancestral Witches say he's loyal to them, and he's never been able to disagree with them before

He doesn't like the winx, he's never shared in his life and is loathed to start now. He plays tricks and schemes and never kills them. He mains, he disables, he distracts. This is fun. He's never had a true enemy, rival. The company of light wanted to defeat his mother's, these are his fights. It's fun, he wants to keep them

(You ever think about the amount of times Valtor could of straight up killed the winx or put his mark on them and he just kinda doesn't and then gives their romantic rivals a love potion??? Bc I do. That was weird and the entire reason this au exists. Like Valtor basically made the perfect opportunities for the winx to get their Enchantix by never directly trying to kill them. It's almost funny)

Valtor is completely incapable of free will but he does experience desires and he has the ability to think for himself. One of the winx asks him why he's doing all of this and he literally can't answer, he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to be here, but he does? That's why he's doing it, right? And the girlies get a front row seat to a child gaslighting themselves to cope with their inability to control their own actions

He wants to be powerful! The most powerful person in the dimension! Then he could do whatever he wants! Then he would be free! At least that's what he tells himself (he knows it's not true, but children are allowed to have their fantasies)

They could extinguish kill. He barely came up to Bloom's chest, and they could just extinguish him. If Bloom pulled at the fire element in his body and Aisha the water they could pull him apart. Making a soul sounded impossible and has never been done before but that's the only way to release the Ancestral Witches control on Valtor, so they'll do it

[itz-pandora]

Huh. If my life was a quote, it'd be "one of those sad ones with a deceptively happy tune"

[twopoppies]

I’m new on your blog but the blue bandana was never confirmed right? Was it just a theory?

Just a theory, love. As far as I’m concerned, it’s a theory that was based on some pretty solid evidence in the beginning. The idea that it’s a day collar was a joke that I think people got a little too attached to. It’s fun to think that’s what it is, but that’s based on absolutely nothing substantial.

I also think it’s easy to believe that Harry or Louis put the same kind of weight on things that we do. Do I think Harry knows what we think about something like the bandana or the peace ring? Yeah, he probably does. Do I think he’s always thinking about that when he gets dressed. Unlikely.

The problem is that a lot of people want absolute assurance of things and when fan theories don’t play out 100% of the time (like always wearing the peace ring) or when patterns change (like the two-week rule), suddenly people freak out and decide absolutely everything they ever thought was wrong.

I’m not picking and choosing which theories are real when it suits what I want to believe, I believe things (like Harry and Louis were together and mostly likely still are) based on a thousand different reasons. It’s okay for a theory to be wrong. Or for reality to be somewhat different than we theorized. Or for something we theorized to change. So if I see that Harry let someone wear “his” bandana, I really don’t understand why that equates to the absolute end of the world. Brad wore his sweatshirt the other day. Xander wore what could be his bandana. Why is this making front page headlines?

These are real people. They’re not characters in a book where things are static and you can have absolute answers that never change. I just think people need to unclench and be okay realizing that we are never going to know anything for certain.

[beesorcery]

google how do i tell my dad that the reason i keep bringing up elon musk's transphobia isn't that i've got gen z political tunnel vision that makes me blind to his "innovation" in electric cars but because i am desperately crying out for you as the father of a trans child to feel just as outraged and angry as i am that that man has so much power

[bless-my-demons]

when will you update??

I promise I’m not withholding new chapters, life is just busy😭 Since I started this series, I switched jobs and I don’t really have as much free time anymore, but I’m still writing snippets because I fucking love this story as much as you guys - I’m just not happy with how small the updates are and I really want them to have quality. To put it into perspective, I have a part time career in the military and 6 months ago I started a full time civilian job as a night shift 911 dispatcher, so I’ve got quite a bit on my plate. Also, this is the first and only piece of writing I have, I do not consider myself a seasoned writer by any means, so I don’t really do well when it comes to consistency in producing content - it’s not as easy or quick as I wish it was🥲

All this to say, yes I will update because I’ve got later chapters written, I’m just working on the middle stuff. (I’m like 80% done with the next chapter) When will the next update roll out? Not sure, I’ve been at my military job for the last week and I’m flying for like the next 5 days so it might be a minute, but soon.

I also just have anxiety; anxiety over not posting, anxiety when I check the word count on chapters and it’s not as long as I’d like because I can’t devote as much time, anxiety over letting you guys down because you’re all so patient and kind with me, soooo many things and I want desperately to be better for you guys.

I feel bad asking for patience because I generated so much momentum and then I let it fall to the wayside, and for that I’m so very sorry. I think about you guys and this story all the time, I’m still very much obsessed with it and wanting to get all my thoughts on ‘paper’, but I’m making do with what I got. While also taking care of myself physically and mentally😅

[compacflt]

I have an anecdote about when I worked for a company and a co-worker left to work in a different state on military aircraft. He had to get a TS clearance and because we had worked for several years together he asked if I would be okay with being interviewed for his clearance. I said sure and an interviewer w the gov, arranged to come to my place of work and conduct the interview there. I was asked questions about him like how well did I know him, and whatever answer I gave led to more specific questions like if I answered a question about knowing his wife, they would ask if I thought his marriage sounded secure etc.

This memory of that experience was on my mind while I read your story and I wondered who Iceman would choose for his TS clearance interviews (and who the gov would choose for him) and what would they say? I feel like their "secret" would be uncovered in even a low level clearance (years later I had to submit names for a low level Public Trust clearance for my job) It was so embarrassing because I did not have many friends I was comfortable submitting for that as I kept my work and home life very separate.

Anyway, that is my "cool story, bro"

Thank you for such a great and well researched story!

this is indeed a cool story bro and touches on what is literally my story’s fatal flaw, which is: Yeah, a shitload of people would’ve known about it. I am going to hijack your question to talk about that, so my apologies, though i will get around to your question by the end. This is gonna be a really long post. I have a lot to say and a lot of ground to cover.

So I wanna start out by talking about the structure of this story and its core conflict, because while I’d like to say this story is rooted in an accurate depiction of the US military, obviously that’s not true; it’s rooted in the dynamic of the story that i wanted to tell, which is the story of a guy coming to realize the truth behind a Big Lie—him passing as straight. And that’s a pretty universal story, but it’s made more specific by the fact that a) the guy canonically wants to be the best in an institution that enforces the Big Lie and b) the guy canonically is so successful because he follows the rules/orders of that institution. So, for character growth, to put it simply, the guy (Ice) has to come to the conclusion that the Big Lie is a lie by himself. He can’t be told/ordered that the Big Lie is a lie, otherwise he hasn’t grown out of “just following orders.” (I’ll get to the Big Lie in a second. I made charts and story structure graphs below.)

The only other story about a Big Lie I can think of off the top of my head right now is Passing (1929) by Nella Larsen, which is about a Black woman in Chicago trying to pass as both white and straight. It’s a great book and I’ll try not to spoil it, you should really read it for yourself, but the terminology I’m going to use in this post comes from an analysis of it, so just to bring you up to speed—Clare, the woman trying to pass as white, is recognized by a friend, another Black-but-passing woman, Irene, who is shocked that Clare has abandoned her heritage (the truth of her, that is) and married a hyper-racist white man who doesn’t even know that she’s Black. So the book sets up a dynamic of the Big Lie that I’ve outlined here (hopefully it makes sense):

I built on this dynamic for my fic. Ice is both a “dupe” and a “passing figure,” in that he believes the lie that he is straight and also passes for straight—but it’s also more complicated than that because he’s not actually straight (getting to that). Mav is an “in-group clairvoyant” and can recognize Ice as passing because he is also straight-passing. The Navy are a bunch of “dupes.” But…what is Slider, for instance, or your question’s hypothetical government official who, yes, will 100% find out because people always find out?

In comes my ginormous-and-overly-wordy WWGATTAI Plot and Character Dynamic Summary Graph. You don’t really have to read it all, the only important bits for this discussion are the leftmost column (“plot”) and the green quadrant (“out-group clairvoyants”).

To summarize—people who know the truth can’t actually act on it, because for Ice’s character growth to make sense, he has to come to the truth himself. This forecloses the possibility of any outwardly homophobic action (by which I mean someone like a govt official or one of my lame OCs actually challenging him on his illegal relationship) in the plot, because for 90% of the story Ice is so fragile that he would probably just cave immediately and double down on the internalized homophobia. So, for plot purposes, everyone—including Mav, as it happens—has to sort of tiptoe around Ice’s obvious not-straightness and give him an unreasonable amount of grace so he can figure it out for himself. 

And therein lies the fatal flaw of this story. It is, like, not conceptually viable. Of course people would find out, of course the government would interrogate him about it, of course he’d have to confront the truth much sooner than TWENTY-FIVE years after he first starts messing around with Mav.  Which literally breaks my heart because I didn’t realize it was a fundamentally busted story until long after I had finished writing the base plot & couldn’t fix the overarching problems 😭 The thing is, it had to be this way, because there is at least a thirty-year gap between TG86 and TGM22, and TGM is obviously the emotional climax of the series and my story had to match that. So—fanfic and its canon constraints, everyone. 

But also… I can explain away these logical inconsistencies with story structure & character dynamic graphs to make the story make sense, sure, but it doesn’t change the truth of the matter, which is that… I hadn’t ever really thought about things like security clearances, and therefore wrote around them because I didn’t even know to consider them. And I know there are a bunch of other details in this story that betray my immaturity (anytime I talk about alcohol, for instance—I still am not legal to drink in this stupid country & have only cheap bad experiences to draw on; THE HOUSE—if i could rewrite this story from the beginning they would not have bought a fucking house together, what was I thinking???) and the lack of thought about the real-life logistics and consequences of secrecy is one of them. 

And it’s exactly what I mean when I say “I look at this story and all I see are its flaws,” which is why I wanted to write this post & get it on record. I have just enough life experience to read my own writing and know that it’s fundamentally unconvincing, and not enough life experience to know how to fix it. :(

But, to answer your original question, you’ve got me brainstorming a scene where Ice is asking Slider to be his character witness & Slider’s like “Look bro do you want me to lie to the federal government under oath for you because I will” and Ice has to be like “Legally I cannot ask that of you but”

[simplyghosting]

I have the same problem with understand what people says. But it's probably linked to the fact I'm hyperlexic. Apparently that's a thing. My brain is wired to only get what is written and even then that's not easy. Like I read the words but sense escapes me sometimes. My brain has a hard time deciphering stuffs I guess.

I’ll be honest, I hadn’t heard of hyperlexia before, but after reading the qualities, it sure sounds a lot like me as a kid. (Definitely had some behavior quirks.) Used to read like a machine before 11th grade (start of bad high school workload).

Deciphering stuff is wild when it usually just sounds like gibberish. Every sentence is like playing a round of Mad Gab. Written communication at least has a visual landing point to go over and over to make sure you’ve got it right (hopefully). I feel a bit like I comprehend less as an adult now than as a kid, but that could be the concerning amount of chronic sleep-deprivation in my case.

Anon, I hope we both improve in our ability to understand what is being communicated around us. Both in speaking and in reading and the world becomes a bit more clear and wonderful

💕 God bless!

[andromeda3116]

boy i love getting tipsy and then drunk and gushing about my special interest to people who cannot possibly care about this even half as much as i do and being deeply annoying and embarrassing myself and wanting to crawl into a hole once the harsh light of sobriety hits

[silentstar]

I just realised that I made a bunch of sad personal posts ages back lamenting about how I had a really hard time in education and felt left behind - but I don't think I posted that I actually made it into uni and I'm studying illustration right now!

[findstenicht]

will never relate to the people who like discussing politics with their dad. every time i talk politics with my dad it feels like a fight to the death