#sorry this is long and I rambled a lot and should probably edit it more

[whoisneo404]

u should write something abt the reader getting too drunk or high and being a hot mess.he’s nicks bestfriend and he confesses his feelings

More than that.

Summary: you ask Nick to pick you up from a party a few houses down his. After him helping you make your way to his home you accidentally confess your feelings.

Tw: drunk reader, cursing.

My vision is blurry, the world is spinning to fast, the music is too loud. I stumble my way out of the house into the garden, I lay on the grass floor besides a tree and look at the branches move. It looks so pretty, the wind hits my face and I get cold, I wanna go home.

I don’t even know when I grabbed my phone and I called Nick.

‘’What the fuck? It’s 2 in the morning, why are you calling?’’ Nicks voice come from the other side of the line, he wasn’t sleeping, he was probably editing a video or doing a Ru Paul’s marathon again.

‘’Come pick me up, please. I’m cold.’’ I whisper into the phone laying on the floor besides me.

‘’Shit, are you drunk?’’

‘’Yes, sorry. I need a hug.’’ I hear stumbling and keys moving.

‘’Send me your location.’’ He guides me because I can’t remember how to. We stay on call; he tells me he is on his way and I just listen to his voice while caressing and playing with the grass. I hear the call end and I see Nick standing in front of me. ‘’Come on, let’s go home.’’

‘’Can’t. grass is my new bed.’’

‘’Come on, you asked me to pick you up, don’t be a baby.’’

‘’What if I’m a baby? how do you know I’m not.’’

‘’I can see you. Come here.’’ He kneels in front of me and puts my phone in his pocket. He sits me against the tree and helps me put on the hoodie he had over his shoulder, it’s soft and it smells like him. ‘’I swear if you puke on it I will kill you.’’ I put my head against his shoulder and sigh.

‘’Won’t, promise. You are warm, I’m no longer cold.’’ I nuzzle my face into the crook of his neck.

‘’That’s good, stand up, we are going home.’’ He tries to lift me up but I don’t let him.

‘’Nooo, wanna hug you.’’ I slur out.

‘’You can hug me all you want when we get home, plus you’ll get to do it in a comfy bed.’’

‘’And your hoodie?’’

‘’And my hoodie, I won’t take it away.’’

‘’M’kay.’’ I stand up the best I can, I wrap my arms around his shoulders and we start walking, it wasn’t a long walk. The fresh air was nice, I think I’m rambling and saying non sense, but I’m not sure if I’m thinking it of just saying it. ‘’Sky’s pretty. Like you.’’

‘’Let’s go inside, you are drunk.’’

‘’We are hooome!’’

‘’Sh…’’ he puts a hand up to my mouth. ‘’everyone is sleeping, shut up.’’

‘’I’m not sleeping, you are not sleeping, not everyone eepying.’’ He rolls his eyes with a smile on his face.

‘’Lot’s of people are sleeping, so be quiet.’’ I nod and we go to his room quietly. I throw myself into the bed, cuddling with his pillows and blankets, a wave of sadness invades my body.

‘’I’m sorry.’’ He sits besides me.

‘’For what?’’

‘’I know you don’t drink and don’t like when other people drink too much around you, I know you don’t like drunk people… I’m sorry.’’ I hug his pillow against my chest and hide my face in it. He plays with my hair.

‘’I don’t mind when it’s you.’’ I lay my head on his lap and he keeps playing with my hair.

‘’Thank you. That’s why I like you so much…’’

‘’We should talk about this tomorrow….’’

‘’What if I don’t remember, will you tell me?’’ he doesn’t say a thing. ‘’You don’t like me?’’

‘’No, it’s not that. You are drunk, we should tell this when we are sober.’’

‘’I’m sorry.’’ I sit up and he hugs me.

‘’Don’t be. I’m here, it’s okay.’’ A feel a knot on my throat. ‘’I was planning on telling you soon anyways.’’

‘’So you like me back!?!’’ I look at him, wide smile on my face.

‘’SHH, yes dumbass. Let’s get you some water.’’ He stands up and I go behind him to the kitchen.

‘’How much you like me?’’

‘’We’ll talk about it tomorrow.’’

‘’This much?’’ I make put both of my hands facing each other, almost touching. ‘’Or this much?’’ I pull my hands apart a bit. ‘’Because I like you this much.’’ I open my arms completely. ‘’And a bunch more. Don’t have arms long enough.’’ He smiles looking at me.

‘’Here’s your water, drink it.’’ I grab the glass and drink all of it.

‘’But how much?’’

‘’Tomorrow crybaby. Let’s go to bed.’’ I pout at him. ‘’We will cuddle.’’

‘’Yes, awesome.’’ I scream whisper and he grabs my hand pulling me into the room. ‘’Just so you know, I like you.’’

‘’I know.’’

[scartale-an-undertale-au]

so what did i learn today? that i thought i was getting better with managing my life and work, but apparently all my issues were just buried under my extreme workholism.

i take today off to focus on a project for a course i took (regret as hell paying a fortune for it and now i know i'll never enter the field after finally getting into my latest job and realizing physical work is what i much prefer rather than computers, so long c# course.) and what is the end result?

i managed to take a shower since i had developed some scraping injuries from constant rubbing against my lower scalp from the lab coat, and behind my ears because of my glasses. it's rare to get them, but it's been dry lately and i didnt shower as usual this week so i started bleeding from them after i kept playing with them cuz they are incredibly frustrating and painful. at least they aren't visible...

anyways, after that shower i'm like... done. i'm unable to focus so i moved from the living room to my room, but even though i managed to download the proper software, i'm blank now. i'm constantly moving, constantly up from my chair, unable to keep doing what i planned to do. even eating out of boredom rather than hunger, which is why i know it's bad. my headache is also worse today and sounds are making me more distracted and pained.

i thought taking the meds for so long would help with my symptoms from anxiety and adhd, and while they help with the worst of them (haven't dissociated since i started taking them, and i haven't had a horrible anxiety attack in so long), they haven't done much for my normal level symptoms.

i just have been so fixated on work, i was able to delude myself that i'm in a much better spot, that i'm actually managing my life.

nope, turns out that taking a day off was a terrible idea. i feel so useless and worthless and well... showered. i also hate showers cuz they make me dehydrated and exhausted afterwards, so maybe i should just bore the bleeding and disgusting body until tonight rather than shower.

goodness, my head hurts. i'm gonna take combodex but all that would do is simply return my headache to its usual level... which is better than this but still not that helpful. oh, and not talking about my shoulders cramping and painful today. my joints all feel inflamed...

geez, i really should have just gone to work. this is such a wasted day, i'm way more productive at work and feel much better about myself at work... it's 16:37 and i did less than nothing today. i wanted so badly to enjoy today, but instead i'm more stressed and frustrated and on the verge of crying (edit: nevermind, i'm crying from frustration).

i know my worth is bla bla bla, but my job is one i truly love and enjoy and i truly feel like i found a reason i'm who i am. but now i feel like a useless piece of garbage.

i'm so all over the place. i only barely managed to sit long enough to write this, and i'm so exhausted.

i'm just so, so, frustrated with myself. i really thought i was doing better. i thought i was finally able to use my issues for good.

i'm... i'm just tired...

sorry for the rambling and for this huge wall of puked up words. don't even know why i'm writing and posting it... maybe i'm seeking attention, or maybe i just needed to puke those words out before i go insane...r.

dunno, but don't worry about reactions or stuff, i'm probably going to get a lot of 'kys, zionist' or 'good, suffer, israhell' or something to that extant. wouldn't be the first time. so at least i'll get the attention i need, no? *chuckle*

well, here's my first smile of the day, so i guess useful idiots are good for something

[ninyard]

Heya! I’m new to writing fanfic despite reading for more than half of my life, and I have maybe a silly question: do you get help from a beta? How does one…find that help? 😅 I have a TRC and a TFC fic I need to complete and no godly clue how to find someone to read over what I write so I don’t obsess myself into spirals on my own haha.

I don't personally! But not for any specific reason - I think if literally ANYONE turned around to me and said they would be cool with beta reading my fics I would LOVE that shit. With the amount of mistakes I miss even after half a dozen rereads, I probably should have one lol

In general what I do is just step away from things for a day or two once I think they're finished, then read through it all, and if I trip up over anything in my brain, or find anything that feels a bit too wordy/like a mouthful, I'll revise it. I hate second drafts with a PASSION but for my first draft I usually write out the whole thing, with its bare bones, and fill in the gaps later. If you get stuck on something, just move on and come back to it later. Need to describe another character but don't know what to do? Just write 'He had blue eyes and brown hair' and move on. Things like that. It's so much easier to come back to it and fix it then fixating on it and getting nowhere. (i do a lot of additions in my edits, hence how my most recent fic went from 13k words in the first draft to 18k after the edit.)

I'm one of those losers that gets inspired by reading my own writing, so stepping away from fics when you think you've spent too much time spiralling over it, to come back to it later, is a LIFESAVER. Things you thought you were stuck on will get so much clearer once your brain has had a break, once you've """forgotten""" the exact words you wrote down. Read it from the beginning like it's your first time reading it, read every word, and if something takes you out of it, then figure out why and fix it.

Most importantly try not to be too worried about numbers and other peoples' opinions. It's easy to become discouraged when you're 5 chapters into a fic and it feels like nobody is reading it or liking it, but write for yourself!

Practice makes better, because it’ll never be perfect. Just have fun, don’t take it too seriously, and write what you want to read. Make a post and tag the fandom on it asking if anyone wants to be a beta reader, or maybe ask if anyone wants to “swap” (you beta read theirs and they read yours). I don’t know though!!!! I have never ever written with a beta reader so I don’t really have any advice there:((

I'm sorry I know you didn't ask for advice and I hope this doesn’t come across as rude or anything. We all start somewhere!! Here’s snippets from a fic I wrote in 2016 vs a different one I wrote this year.

Everybody starts somewhere, I’ve been writing fics for like 12 years and I still doubt if my writing is any good. Sure, validation is nice, but you have to trust yourself (and like your own stuff!!). and if you feel worried about your writing just keep going!!!! You’ll find your style and settle into it but just trust yourself and have fun my friend!! You’ve got this<3

(This got way too long and I rambled too much I’m so sorry)

[monstersandmaw]

TLDR: New fae romance/adventure story in the works, not up anywhere yet so hold your horses, will post/link on here when it is available.

Well, after finishing Season One of my long-running werewolf romance story and thinking I’d probably take things easy on the writing front, I’ve gone and written 8k+ words in a single day and actually plotted the whole effing thing out (seriously wtf I never do that) of a female human x male fae romance story.

(sorry for being extremely boring on the genders again; I am actually working on a part two for the m/m Victorian orc story too!! @severedreamerbeard don’t look at me or I’ll explode)

The new fae story is tropey af, and has ‘childhood best friends to ‘strangers’ as adults’ (it makes more sense in context), a little angst and a little mystery, a healthy father-son relationship, a 25yr old fem protagonist and love interest instead of an 18yr old x 1000yr old fae, a ‘roadtrip’ of sorts, a coup to foil, some danger, an absolute, arrogant loveable(???) ass of an Unseelie Prince who shows up at one point, and lots of adventure and some inhuman-ish shapeshifting too. And wings. Of both feathered and draconic varieties. Just for funsies.

Who’s excited?

If you are, I’m going to post it as a WIP, chapter by chapter in its entirety on Ko-fi first, and then I’ll give it all a full edit and see where I’m at. If you’ve recently supported me on Ko-fi, you should be able to access it (I part with a percentage of each of my Ko-fi earnings to allow that to happen), and if you want to read it (when it goes up - it’s not up there yet so don’t donate now [unless you wanted to anyway]!!) then all you have to do is donate one ko-fi/’cup of tea’ and you should be able to access it.

Oof. that was a bit of a garbled ramble, I’m sorry. Lemme know if you have questions.

[zenaidamacrouras1]

Heyo! For the wrapped ask, number 13? Stucky?

Also just wanted to say you’re one of my favourite fic authors I’ve found in a while ❤️ I often anticipate the smutty stuff the most but in your fics I enjoy the in-betweens so much! The way your write children is simultaneously the most warm yet hilarious prose and it always feels so much more lifelike than I often read? Having kids probably helps lol. Sorry I’m just rambling on but you’ve brought me a lot of comfort in the past few months and I appreciate you a lot

Hope you have a good one!!! :)

Thank you for the amazingly kind sweet words - so encouraging - flattery will get you everywhere, so here is a 2500 word smutty fic inspired by this wistful little love song, and yes, I wrote this whole fucking thing last night laying in bed and edited it today in between work calls because I have ADHD, we've talked about this, my brain is very good at doing exactly what it wants and sometimes our interests align and things like this happen.

I listened to this album (So Jealous) on repeat when writing the sad chapters of my fic Tension and Tonic, so not surprised this song ended up in my top songs nor in the direction this story took.

Tegan and Sarah - Take Me Anywhere

Warning this is smutty with graphic sexytimes.

“Stop making me laugh. I'm trying to be sexy," Steve laughs. 

"If you can't laugh and be sexy what are you even doing, sweetheart," Bucky drawls back and that's probably when Steve fell in love with Bucky. Unfortunately it was also during their first hook up. It was decent enough - mutual blow jobs. Bucky clearly knew what he was doing. On the surface nothing too different than Steve’s normal routine of finding a guy and blowing off some steam, but there were a lot of subtle red flags that should have warned Steve to run like hell.

Like how entranced Steve was when it was his turn to make Bucky feel good. Bucky, with his dancer's grace, with the asymmetry of his missing arm making the lines of him more perfect somehow, his long hair falling loose into his face, framing his perfect jawline, the pink O of his mouth, the dark smudge of his eyelashes. The way his elegant fingers fluttered so tenderly along Steve's cheek when he sucked in. It was. Lovely. Bucky is lovely. Lovable. It's a problem. 

That first time Bucky had sort of folded Steve into his body after, pulling him up onto the couch and burying his face in Steve's hair in a way that normally would have made Steve bristle because he is small but he's not a fucking stuffed animal. But Bucky hummed and sighed in this contented way. Bucky is all bones and muscular and yet fluid and it feels powerful to be held so desperately by someone like that. 

"Sorry I’m a cuddler, just shove me off when you get sick of me," Bucky hums, and laughs after a minute, and lets Steve go. "Don't make fun of me, I can't have sex with out snuggling, I should have warned you in the Grindr chat," and Bucky is easy and lax and happy and Steve could have maybe stayed longer without it being weird, but by then, he kind of wanted to stay forever so he definitely needed to go right away. 

Bucky is a former ballet dancer. Well, he still dances actually, but he was a principal with the New York City Ballet till he lost his arm, a story he shrugs off easily. "My ma always said I'd lose my head if it wasn't attached and turns out it's the same for my arm? I called the Coney Island lost and found, but it wasn't there? Just kidding, it was a car accident, just glad I'm alive." He's the assistant director of fundraising for the ballet now, and does some choreography too, Steve's not sure how it all works, but Bucky is happy and charming and Steve would definitely hand over all his money to fund the ballet if Bucky had asked him. But. Bucky's never asked him to donate to the ballet. They don't talk about work stuff beyond the minimum. Steve’s just happy they talk at all.  

The next week Steve's phone pings and it's Bucky on Grindr again, and apparently Bucky had a shit day and wants to get fucked, and he likes Steve's dick so, well, does Steve top? Steve saves his work, stops his time tracker, and that's all the graphics that are getting designed for today. He changes out of his work from home sweats and puts on his date jeans, and heads over to Bucky's place to take them back off again. Bucky's wearing a suit, his hair slicked back, and the arm of the suit neatly tailored up. He looks amazing, his tie just a little loose around his neck, his eyes lazy and suggestive, moving right into Steve's space and dipping his head down for a kiss before Steve can even say hello. 

Steve can work with that, he pushes Bucky into the wall and spreads Bucky’s legs enough so that they're the same height and untucks Bucky's shirt so he can feel up his slim frame. Steve moves Bucky through his apartment and into his bed, and climbs on top of Bucky, and Bucky reaches into the bedtime table for lube and condoms and it's good, it's so good, and Steve can't recommend fucking a ballerina or whatever a guy ballet dancer is any higher, especially when Bucky bites hard into Steve's shoulder and keens desperately and more and more until Steve's ready to last forever if Bucky needs him to, except then Bucky's shaking apart with his one hand in Steve's hair and kissing him messily all teeth and heaving breath and that's fine. Steve loves Bucky's teeth. 

After, Steve's forcibly cuddled by Bucky again, which is fine because Steve's legs are kind of rubbery because he's not as athletic as Bucky - then again, who is. 

Steve cuddles with Bucky and listens to him ramble on about nothing in particular before sliding back into his date jeans and letting himself out. In his head tells himself this is a business transaction more or less. Steve is a consultant who knows how to do authentic and meaningful work for his clients and move on. A skillshare of sorts. 

It sort of becomes a Friday night thing. Most Friday nights Bucky seems to have some kind of high end fundraiser related to his work at the ballet. It makes sense that Bucky can’t be hunting for a hookup while representing his work, so it’s perfectly logical that he’d touch base with Steve after for a bit of no strings attached fun. Steve doesn’t see any need to tell Bucky that he’s not seeing anyone else and also that he’d love to be Bucky’s boyfriend because, haha, what? Why would he say that? 

Honestly, they barely know each other beyond Steve having every inch of Bucky’s flexible, lovely body memorized. Steve’s favorite parts are the imperfections, the freckles, the scars, the cowlick that makes his hair stick up funny if he doesn’t slather product in it. He doesn’t mention it, because what kind of asshole would mention it, but he’s transfixed by the way Bucky adapts to having one arm, because it’s just so fucking beautiful. It draws the eye, the way his liquid grace casually defies gravity. It often seems his momentum should go one way, but it seamlessly flows another, and Steve wants to draw Bucky or at least take a picture of him. But they don’t do that. 

"I looked up your art," Bucky murmurs into Steve's hair one evening during their post coital cling session that maybe gets a little longer every week. Steve kind of freezes because what? He didn’t realize Bucky even knew his last name?  "It's good. You're pretty badass. It's impressive. I can't draw for shit, so I was curious what kind of art you do. Maybe we could commission you at the ballet, you like drawing ballet shoes and legs and shit?"

"Oh," Steve says because, like, seriously, Bucky, do you not know what a hookup is? Steve should be getting dressed right now, not letting Bucky lazily slide his hand up and down Steve's back while talking about his art.

"It's dynamic, lots of movement, reminded me of dancing. Maybe I have a dancing brain. Everything reminds me of dancing," Bucky laughs, and his breath is hot into Steve's hair, and Steve laughs too, because laughter is the appropriate response and also dear oh dear. Yeah. Bucky Barnes is lovable. 

"You had heart surgery?" Bucky asks in a sudden subject change. And Steve wonders for a minute how Bucky knows that. In his defense, he's drunk on sex endorphins and being stroked like a kitten and practically purring. 

"Yeah, couple of em," Steve says. It's such an enormous scar. Obviously Bucky noticed the damn thing, they’ve been naked together close to a dozen times. 

"It's all ticking away alright now though?" Bucky says softly, and Steve huffs a yes and pulls back before he falls asleep. "Should I not have asked? I feel like I have no filter about scars and shit since I got de-armed. It's like, I dunno. My injury is the first thing everyone sees. You're probably as bored as I am of talking about it."

"Did you ever have a filter?" Steve teases, and Bucky laughs hard, his head thrown back with joy, and that feels good. "Yeah, Buck, I'm pretty healthy these days."

Steve manages to escape a little while later. He looks up videos of Bucky dancing. It's only fair if Bucky's been looking up Steve's art. What he does next in the privacy of his own home when he sees Bucky's thighs in those ballet tights is his own business. All of the videos are from before the car accident. Bucky looks strange with two arms, off balance and overloaded, which makes absolutely no sense, but Steve’s just so used to Bucky’s body how it is now. 

They meet up the next week, and Bucky’s freshly showered from a dance performance, which, Steve didn’t realize Bucky was performing anymore, let alone today. Bucky’s full of adrenaline and way pushier than normal, taking Steve’s mouth and getting Steve up against the wall. Usually Steve doesn’t like to be pushed around, but he trusts Bucky by now. He’s really a super nice guy. Steve couldn’t be luckier in having such a convenient sex arrangement with such a beautiful, kind, sexually compatible person. This is a thought he has briefly before Bucky grabs him by the crotch and presses their shoulders together hard, slamming Steve into the wall, and Steve’s mind kind of whites out. 

After they’re laying on the floor in the hallway of Bucky’s apartment, huffing and limp and half dressed. Steve reaches into his jacket pocket, (how convenient they are still right there by the door) and takes a puff of his inhaler. 

“Shit, you ok?” Bucky asks in surprise. 

Steve rolls his eyes. “Yeah, I’m cat-sitting for a friend, got my allergies up, and you know, I know that wasn’t enough exertion to get your heart rate up, but some of us mere mortals have physical limits.” 

Bucky laughs dryly. “My heart rate was up Steve. Before the physical exertion started, actually though,” he adds softly. And what is that supposed to mean? 

Steve lays in bed awake half the night trying to decide if he should go to Bucky’s dance performance the next night. It’s in a massive hall, there’s no way Bucky would know. Is it too intimate? Is it too stalkery? Does he mention it after if he goes? Is it weirder if he goes and doesn’t mention it? That would be weird if he doesn’t mention it, so okay he has to mention it but does he mention it before or after he goes? The tickets are expensive too, so then it’s weird like, does he seem like he’s trying to score free tickets if he mentions it before? But then Bucky seems like the type to be annoyed if Steve pays when Bucky has free tickets on offer. Ugh. 

In the end, Steve goes, and he buys the ticket and doesn’t tell Bucky, and he cries because Bucky’s dancing is amazing, and breathtaking, and every adjective, and Steve could draw only Bucky for the rest of his life and not have captured the lines, the strength of him, the defiance. He wants to explain to the person next to him that he’s not crying because he’s like inspired that Bucky is disabled, but because he’s in love with Bucky, and it’s one thing to suspect the guy you’ve been fucking with no strings attached every Friday night for months is perfect, but it’s another thing to have it proven. 

Steve doesn’t mention to Bucky that he went to his performance, but he tries to put it into the way he touches Bucky the next week. Reverent. He spends close to an hour opening Bucky up with his mouth and fingers, and the sounds Bucky makes when Steve finally enters him, kissing him gently down his neck, the way Bucky’s out of athletic moves to try and wow Steve with, but just transcendently arching up, helpless with pleasure, that’s how Steve lets Bucky know he saw him dance, and he loved it, and he loves Bucky. 

That night, Bucky asks him to stay the night, and Steve actually has an early Saturday meeting with a client, he’s not making it up, he even shows Bucky the calendar note, and Bucky laughs happily, and says it isn’t a big deal. But. It seems like a big deal. Steve makes sure not to schedule anything the next Saturday, in case Bucky asks again, but Bucky doesn’t ask again. Which is fine. 

Then something strange happens. Steve’s locking up Wanda’s apartment from checking on her cat, and his phone pings, and it’s Bucky via Grindr, asking for Steve’s phone number. It’s actually super weird they haven’t done the phone number thing yet, honestly, Steve doesn’t even use Grindr except to confirm his weekly dates with Bucky. Steve sends his number over as he’s walking to the subway to head back home, it’s only one stop, but it’s cold. 

Bucky texts him right away, asking him what he’s doing Friday. Steve says he’s open, because, duh? At this point, Steve would turn down the presidential medal of freedom if the ceremony was on a Friday night between 10 pm and midnight. 

Bucky asks him what he’s doing at 6 pm on Friday, and that’s new. They almost never hang out before 10 pm, or whenever Bucky’s fundraising events wrap up. Steve’s not doing anything in particular, and says as much. Bucky asks if he’d hate wearing a suit and getting free wine? And Steve does not, in fact, hate free wine. He also has a decent suit, he thinks it’s pretty stylish still, he had it tailored a few years ago, but men’s styles don’t change as fast as women’s, which is a relief when you are not a standard human male size and have to have all your clothes custom fit to make sure you don’t look like a child wearing their dad’s dress up clothes. 

Bucky asks if Steve would want to meet up with him at his fundraiser on Friday, it’s at an art gallery, and the art reminded him of Steve. Steve feels his heart pound. 

S: I like free wine, wearing suits, and art galleries. Sure. 

B: Another question. 

S: I also like answering questions 

B: Do you like holding hands? 

S: Depends on the hand. 

B: I mean, I only have the one. 

Steve feels dizzy. 

S: Yes, I would like holding your hand. One is sufficient for my needs. 

B: And you would like holding my hand and going somewhere with me on a date? 

S: You could take me anywhere.

[alectoperdita]

do you still find posting your fics on social media stressful/anxious? ive been feeling this way for quite some time as an artist so i was wondering about your input as someone who wrote fics for a long time.

Yep. I still 1000% do. Whether it's posting the fic itself or on social media, I still feel anxious afterward. It's difficult to share something you may have spent a lot of time and love on, and wanting some validation of your effort is only human. So it can feel crushing if one of our fears is that people won't like it.

It can feel like rejection, even if only temporarily when your posting sits at 0 notes for the first hours. But once it's posted, it's out of our control. People will either see it or they won't. They'll either like it or they won't. They'll either comment on it or they won't. It can still be a tough pill to swallow.

Honestly, it's been getting harder the last year or so. Sometimes I think I should just not bother posting the link to tumblr. It's not like fics in general get all that much "engagement" on this platform.

As a result, I've had to strictly curate my social media experience. I've turned off all tumblr notifications. Because when that was turned on, I definitely knew that there was no activity on a given post because the app wasn't notifying me. Now it's just an unknown until the next time I check tumblr. Maybe there's some nice notes or tags when I do, but probably not.

It'll be what it'll be. My personal feelings not withstanding.

Another coping method of mine is to post during the work day. For me, the stressful feelings are most pronounced during the first day of sharing anything. That's the prime time for the self-doubt to creep in ("this is clunky, I should've edited more" or "this is not as interesting as I conceived"). Posting during the work day keeps me from ruminating and checking social media/my email. I distract myself with work. Then after work, I choose to do things that take me away from my computer or email for the rest of the night. I cook and play video games while listening to podcasts, or take that time to catch up on my dramas.

It gets easier the next day. Usually. Usually I ruminate less than I did the day before.

So in summary, I make a conscious effort to disconnect from social media and its mechanics of instant feedback/gratification. It works better sometimes than others. I still get in loops where I will jump into tumblr and refresh my activity tab.

Those are what work for me personally, though. I don't presume they would help you or even most people. Like I can imagine my methods sound like hell to someone with ADHD or extreme executive dysfunction.

Sorry this was rambly and personal. I don't want to offer advice without knowing your exact struggles. Making stuff isn't easy, and sharing the stuff can be just as hard or harder than the making. So I want to offer you all my sympathies and hugs.

If anyone else has figured out the secret of being chill about this shit, please share. But I suspect that'd require a major personality shift on my part. 😂

[wastelandhell]

Sorry if this question is too broad or imposing but I'm trying to get into modding Fallout 4 for the first time, mostly to make armor skins. What're the best tutorials? I've tried searching online but a lot of the tutorials are outdated. (Would also love to know how to bash existing skins together though modelling my own would be fun too). Again sorry for this ask I'm just so lost about how to get into modding lol.

Ahhh do not apologize for asking me about modding fallout. I could talk about the guts of this stupid game all day ahhh

modding grip^

Unfortunately I...don't know any good tutorials. I think a lot of Fo4 modders came over already knowing skyrim or FNV. Most of what I know is based on outdated guides, old loverslab threads, my existing graphic design knowledge, and trial-and-error. I think armour is the best place to start because there are so many tools available (thanks tittymodders!), and you don't have to worry about needing 3DS Max for collisions or animations.

This is the only modding tutorial I've ever watched. It's old, but good to show you a proper workflow and how to set up your files. They use creation kit, but if you're just making armour its way easier to use xEdit. I don't even have the ck installed, I do everything in xEdit.

This is an excellent guide to outfit conversions. It gets pretty in depth, but you really don't need to bother with the dismemberment section if it's just for you. It's for FG reduced but you can use it as a general guide for weighting anything for any body and getting your modded outfit game ready.

Texture edits and outfit conversions are where I started and are probably the easiest. The best thing to do is just poke around mods you like and see how they do it.

Some tools:

xEdit: Plugin editor for creation engine games. If you're doing any kind of modding you should learn how to use this. Esl-flagging, running complex sorter, making bashed patches and making your own compatibility patches are skills you need if you want to run a heavily modded game.

Icestorms texture toolbox: the best texture tool, i use the "batch processing" tab at the end to convert .png (no alpha) and .tga (alpha) files to .dds.

Nvidia texture tools exporter: lets you open .dds file in photoshop with the alpha channel intact. You don't need a nvidia card, I'm all team red. Don't bother using this to export unless you have to, its slow as fuck.

Sagethumbs: Gives .dds files thumbnails in windows explorer.

IrfanView: For quickly viewing texture files without launching photoshop. Also an excellent general image viewer.

Bethesda Archive Extractor: Crack open those .ba2 files and get to the goods.

Material Editor: What it says on the tin, lets you edit Fo4 and Fo76 material files. These are like containers that have the paths to all your textures and how they are to be shaded to attach to .nif files.

NifSkope: View and edit .nif files. Dev 7 is the recommended, but Dev 8 can open Fo76 meshes if you want to backport those.

Outfit Studio: Even if you don't use body replacers, this is an incredible tool for editing and weighting meshes. If you're making armour you need this. This is also where I make most of my mashups: you can pull parts from different outfits, slap them together, and export them quickly and easily.

Blender: It's free and it works. Learning to navigate this is going to be your biggest hurdle but it's worth it, trust me. Thankfully blender has a huge community and hundreds of tutorials. This is where I make my hi poly models and do all my retopo/uvs. I also prefer to use blender to edit meshes because it has more robust editing tools.

PyNifly: What I use to import/export .nif files from blender.

Fo4 is made in the 2013 version of 3DS Max and the havok content tools but i haven't bothered to pirate that yet. You don't need it for armour anyways.

I'm sorry this is so long and rambly. If you have a more specific question I might be more helpful ha.

[atinytokki]

hi, i hope you've been doing well! i'm just here again to say that i'm finally up to date on all of the treasure series and the spin-offs and ugh.... you still have yet to cease to amaze me. this entire world that you've created and the depth of the details of the story still stuns me to this day. i mean you've literally thought of everything. but anyways to keep my rambling to a minimum because i could literally go on and on for forever about Treasure.... it made me come up with an idea (that you totally don't have to do if you don't want to and i totally understand that you're very busy and the last thing i want to do is pressure you or make you feel inclined to do stuff) but because of the significance and importance that location and geography holds in this story i thought it would be SOO cool if you could like draw or make a map following the world that the story takes place in? or even a post with the names of the locations and their significance? i'm trying to stay up-to-date on what's happening geographic-wise but i'm slightly failing at doing so. but i hope you're healthy and happy and i'm so excited for the updates in the future no matter when they arrive, what's most important is your well-being. <3

(p.s. don't forget to take breaks, eat, and take care of yourself! :))

🐰: AHHH OMG I don’t know when this came in but I hope it wasn’t too long ago. So thrilled to hear you’re caught up with Treasure because I have indeed been doing well— especially creatively— and have an approximately 15k word My Way chapter to dump on all you lovely Treasure readers :DD

Funny you should mention maps and geographical information because I actually do have (and have had for some time) a rough draft version of the map that I occasionally add to but I don’t trust my art skills and so haven’t posted it anywhere lol but I am looking for a good website or digital mapmaking program of some kind that I can use to get it to look like I want and then hopefully get that up to help you guys out! I know you can only take so many “they sailed southwest” “the town was north” “the river flowed east through this and that town” before losing your sense of direction lol.

However! I do have something that will absolutely help and probably entail more reading (sorry not sorry) and that is linked here. It’s my admittedly work-in-progress Treasure encyclopaedia on carrd with locations, characters, and nautical terms that appear over the course of the 13 volumes and provide a lot of helpful context about the world that accidentally grew into this massive universe :) I wasn’t going to post it yet because it’s not quite finished but I don’t want to withhold it when so much is there. Just expect a few minor edits over time and possibly some bugs (most can be solved by refreshing the page I’ve found).

Let me know if you have any more suggestions and thanks so much for your dedication and support!!! MWAH <3!

[hiddenjam]

Some help for my mom - UPDATED

Hello friends, you probably don’t know who I am since I haven’t been active here from years, and I rarely post anything, some of you even messaged me wondering if I was still alive, I'm so sorry if I ever worried anyone, I'm alive! I just don’t have time and motivation to be active these days, thanks a lot for you lovely persons who dmed me tho ♡ this and other reasons are why I regret letting my depression drown me for too long, because I’m feeling so tired right now, so lonely, but I’m also feeling desperate and helpless because I need your help. So my mom has been very sick from some time ago, but just recently, she got diagnosed with a brain tumor, and she needs a surgery urgently, like doctors gave her 2 months if we do nothing, and 1 has already passed, but the cost its high and I don't have enough money to help her.

I know I said before I was going to do commissions, but my time has been shortened since I also work long hours and taking care of my mom at the same time its really tiresome, physically and mentally, not that I complain in helping her tho. So maybe this year, hopefully I’ll make some progress with that. I'm sorry I'm rambling, I'm not very good with words, back at the matter… 

I’m feeling REALLY ashamed to be asking for help, but like I said Im feeling desperate to help my mom, I only live with her and I need her just like she needs me right now, she’s suffering a lot, and the feeling of helpless its horrible because I can’t help her like she needs to. 

So please, please, consider donate to make her surgery, she doesn’t have much time left, even if its a small donation, every cent no matter the amount its important to us, and it will help to do it as soon as possible. 

And if you can’t donate but still wants to help, then share this link to reach to others, really, anything right now its important to me, thank you for reading, and thanks a lot for your help.

Tbh I still don’t know everything about this tumor, but I shared more info and details in the fundraiser link, and even if you need a commission (I mean a drawing for a donation) you can dm me, I've never done a commission before, but I will try my best to do it, really by this point I’d do anything to help my mom. 

Thanks a lot and take care �� ♡ ♡ This is the donation page: https://gofund.me/347d39a2

EDIT: My mom survived the surgery with the help of everyone!! Thanks a LOT for all donations & shares! by changing the doctor we managed to give her a second chance in life 🥺 Also the tumor turned out to be benign!

Her doctor talked about her case on facebook !

SO GLAD we found him, the first doctor was charging us 22k while this doc charged us 10k (I put 3k from my saves) and it turned out all good! its amazing the improvement that my mom has shown ever since the 1st day of the surgery. And she's smiling 🥺❤️

Right now the only problem is the radiosurgery, and its another expense 😭 I dont know when this gonna end, but docs say hopefully is the last time, the probability is never 0 but she will need to be checked from time to time. In the meantime I will share the fundraiser for the radiosurgery, yeah I know, its shameless, but I really hope not to be in this position ever again after this. This time, Im no afraid of the outcome, I'm hopeful but need to be patient.

Once again, please, I need your help, I dont know If I should do another post about it, but for the moment I will just add it here in the ogpost: https://gofund.me/da136114

Once again thanks for your consideration <3

[gravitywonagain]

Hey, thank you so much for sharing Can't Cheat Death While You're Digging Your Own Grave! It came up on my timeline and I think it's fantastic!! Do you have any plans to put it on AO3? I don't want to miss out on any future updates so I was hoping you would so I can bookmark it. :D

hi!! i'm so glad you like it!!

there are plans to put it on ao3 eventually, but i tend not to post anything there until it's been through a round or eight of edits by my wife and/or myself. i post a lot of first drafts here, particularly those i use as warmups, that need a lot of work before i'm actually happy with them and i've come to think of ao3 as where things get 'published' if that makes sense? i had also been planning on not putting up unfinished works there again due to my very slow and sporadic update rate for... well pretty much everything, among other reasons.

it does seem kind of silly, though. now that i write that out. as the only thing that is different about tumblr vs ao3 is the audience and the ability to follow the progress of a fic in a more straightforward manner.....

but, with that particular fic as an example, there are three chapters now and i have no idea what the fourth will even be about, let alone when it will be posted. this means that i might want to change things in prev chapters to suit a better overall story line (which is something i'm learning how to do and struggling to reconcile with my current big long fic). but, then again, maybe not. maybe i reserve that for fics that i haven't posted here? maybe something like this fic becomes more of a 'yes, and...' type exercise, and we all just see where it goes together? i could get behind that, i think. maybe.

it would still have to go through edits. (like, that entire third ch should be in past tense based on how i set up the timeline in the first one.) and wife Does Not have time for following along with all of my wips. but maybe that would still be doable. i've posted non-wife-edited fics there before. i could do it again. add her edits when they're made, if they're made.

...

all of which is to say, YES, it will go up on ao3, but i don't know when. possibly sooner rather than later as a direct result of your question ;)

in the meantime, idk, follow the tag (#ccdwydyog), maybe? not sure how well that works. or maybe i can make a note to send you a thing whenever the next ch happens? it'll have to be a very good note, and placed particularly well, so i currently make no promises to do more that try on that one :)

sorry that got a bit more complicated and ramble-y than you were probably hoping for, but you gave me a lot to think about!

thanks for the ask, and thanks for reading my silly little fic! <3

[mytragedyperson]

OK tumblr apparently hates me because twice now I've wrote out a relatively long slightly ramble post and it's let me click post and then just not posted, and as far as I can see there not in my drafts so, instead of that post, I will be watching all the episodes of bsd 5 tomorrow and just noting down any thoughts I have, probably mostly appreciating Ranpo and making fun of Fukuchi, because that's fun to me. However there are 2 thoughts that won't leave my head and so tumblr gets to have them.

So first of all I've seen manga panels of Dazai getting shot and presumably dying, which I guess is a spoiler but has also been all over tumblr and it looked like it was on twitter too. Quite frankly, I'm not buying it, and not just because I love Dazai and am living in denial. I've already been burned by BSD in this department of being convinced a character is dead and then bringing them back. I am, of course, talking about Margaret. I thought Akutagawa had killed her and then, a season later, she was brought back, albeit in a coma, to further a plot. Also this is Dazai, if anyone could come back from being shot in to head it's him. For all that he's suicidal and has no will to live, hes really bad at dying, which is good for those of us who like Dazai and I won't complain about that. The only people that have died and stayed so far are Oda and his orphans and Rando (I only watch anime). There may be others but I can't remember them. There were a couple characters who appeared in one episode and were killed off in the episode but everyone else has simply said no to death, which I can respect. Honestly they could get his body out of the prison and have a whole like funeral/memorial scene with all of the characters mourning him and I still wouldn't be fully convinced he's dead. So maybe it is slight denial but I stand by what I said.

My second thought was that I still feel sorry for Bram stoker. I dont care what terrible things he's done, he doesn't deserve the fate he's been given. I can just imagine Fukuchi going on and on about his plan, sounding so confident since he always has turn back time as a backup plan, and he just can't escape it. He's stuck forced to listen. That's the true evil right there.

Also I have a lot of thoughts about how Fukuchi is actually not a good villain, as in I'm not intimidated by him and don't truly see him as a threat. Like his sword is a threat, moreso when he weilds it, since he makes it more effective, but the guy himself? He should be more of a threat than he is. I'll address that tomorrow as I rewatch the episodes because its a big part of my mental commentary and making fun of Fukuchi hours. He might actually be one of the worst villains in the show. I'll address that on a later date. Another thought I'll be addressing tomorrow is my theory that Fyodor is the true leader of the Decay of Angels. Like if they had to listen to one of them regarding a plan they'd listen to Fyodor over Fukuchi. They just can't be bothered with Fukuchis attempts to murder or control them with the sword. Also, bing is my search engine and when I looked up who is the leader of the decay of angels? You know to double check it was Fukuchi, it had his name but the picture next to his name was Fyodor so do with that what you will. Anyway no more thoughts head empty.

Also if anyone has asks regarding anything to do with the BSD anime, I'd be happy to answer them because thinking about/discussing BSD is fun and I do have opinions on a lot of things

edit: change of plans. while i do still plan to do this it's gonna take a little longer. I have a blog, not a tumblr one, though, that I basically never use, so I'm gonna use that to note down any thoughts, opinions and just things in general that I feel like noting down. After I've done that, I'll share it here. Again, asks will be open and this will probably take me a while so, if anyone wants to discuss the BSD anime, feel free to send asks or messages or comment or whatever

[captainaikus]

okay i think i figured out the issue as to why my last ask from our convo didn’t sent (not from this morning). cause i had sent one a while ago and you never responded so i thought it was a glitch or you just didn’t get it or you’d finally gotten sick of me. i had a picture attached (my screensaver) so that’s probably why it didn’t sent. i just let out a huge sigh of relief cause i thought you’d finally gotten sick of me 😭😭. but thankfully that is not the case 🥹🥹 *gestures to the ask from this morning*. okay so i’ll just send it again if that’s alright. *ahem*

also. i think im finally ready to come off anon. surprise?? i was thinking about it for a while cause we’ve talked a lot by now (2 months almost i think?) and i consider you one of my online friends (im okay even if it’s not reciprocated). and it just felt right. you can still call me starry if you want (i love the nickname it’s so cute 😭❤️).

okay so here’s the actual ask

BELLE!!!! I’m honored (abt your screensaver) 😌😭🤧. I spontaneously change it to different TR panels and choosing one for the ending was so hard but I ended up choosing a classic.

Heads ups this is gonna be a long one I’m sorry .

Ohhh what kind of sensitive topics if you don’t mind me asking? I personally feel like topics are talk about raw things are some of the best pieces of writing. Another reason why hurt/comfort is one of my favorite tropes. Just exploring the angst and hurt and hard to deal with feelings into understanding and comfort and closure really hits for me.

And same here. Every time I get on Pinterest it’s just. Hot shirtless fictional character. Hot shirtless fictional character. Hot shirtless fictional character. Angst fanart. Hot shirtless fictional character. And then I end up going down the rabbit hole of trying to save all of them while simultaneously finding more and it becomes an endless cycle 💀💀💀.

Pshhhh the Izana fanart had me wheezing. Just the absolute judgmental look in Izanas face. I just know Kakucho was ready to pounce on Izana to hold him back from hunting down Shion adhkbffjjgg. And ofc it was Shion because who else 😭💀. I’m complementing if I should change my screensaver to one of the hundreds of Izana pictures I have saved (rip my storage 🥲) but I think I’m gonna keep the Takemikey one a bit longer mostly because if I change it that means I’m finally slowly starting to come to terms with the fact that the manga is over AND IM NOT READY FOR THAT YET DANGIT. OH!! And I can’t believe I forgot to mention that I finally changed my pfp on tumblr. I ended up picking Takemitchy because the end of TR was fast approaching. And I also changed my theme from orange-flowers-in-the-sunset to purple-clouds-during-the-early-morning. I’m quite proud of it if I do say so myself 😌.

If you do decide to start writing TR content then you have my full support. But even if you don’t then that’s totally okay too. I don’t wanna accidentally pressure you into it with my constant rambling about it. But if you do pls let me know so I can celebrate the fact that one of my favorite writers is gonna start writing/doing TR content 👀🥳. Rindo is a great place to start. He needs more content I hardly see any for him as compared to Mikey, Izana, Chifuyu, Mitsuya, and etc. My baby needs some love too.

Dude Reo had me when he did the super hot eyebrow thing LIKE SIR NO REASON TO DO THIS TO ME. NOT TO MENTION HIS DID IT TWICE?!?!? And the freaking HEADPATS he was giving Nagi???? Nagi no offense but can we pls share your bf?

And ofc take your time with your fics. Amazing things aren’t produced in a day. They need to be edited and fleshed out and rewritten. All a hundred times over. So take your time and don’t let anyone pressure you into doing more than you want to because at the end of the day this is YOUR blog and YOUR writing. Personally, I’m just happy with the interaction 😊❤️. NOT THAT YOUR WRITING ISNT AMAZING IT IS but a lot of authors just don’t interact and I wanna get to know the amazing person behind the beautiful writing too you know? Makes all if it more real I think. But that’s just me.

Ohhhh man I’ve heard quite a few things about Kaiser and I’m still undecided abt him cause new characters can be hot as they wanna be but if they hurt one of my babies (unjustly) then it’s on sight 😤😤.

“Dommed his way through it” agjfshbcfhjhg. Basically 😭💀. I read someones post saying how much they love him yet he’s got the personality of an apple and I was like yes but no but yes but no while laughing. Baby boys been through so much I think he deserves a break 😭.

Yes expose the flawed systems of this world 😤😤. Seriously though, I’ve heard so many stories about how models are treated and it makes me so sad because they really are some of the sweetest people out there (you’re a perfect example) and yet they go through so much. For me, I come up with stories and characters that often go through or have a personality trait of mine so that I can sort of analyze and work through it in my writing (that is if I don’t decide to go the angst route ofc). And its almost always done unconsciously . So it’s therapeutic for me.

I’m glad you’re doing well!! I’m on break rn and having no work to do is so weird because I’m so used to being productive and working all the time. So that that when I don’t have work I’m just like. Suspicious that I’m gonna miss a deadline or something and everything feels off balance . Trying to break that habit and just learn how to relax again.

Well he’s obviously wrong because your shirt looked amazing 🙄 (even tho I wasn’t there). Men. I swear if fictional men were real, real men would be sweating so much harder than they aufesst are because women are realizing that we deserve better than the bare minimum. They’d also very much be scared for their lives cause if our fictional men found out how we were being treated just due existing it would be all over for them. Sorry abt that bit. the state of the world makes me feel a lot of intense emotions sometimes.

Stuff abt me huh? Hmmmm well I like to write, eat, and sleep. I need more hobbies 💀. I like to learn new things whether it be about animals, politics, wars, or art. I love reading and books. One day I want to have a whole room set aside as a library in my house with two floors and a walking ledge and those rolling ladders and stairs. The whole Beauty and the Beast library but small enough to fit in a small house. I like meeting new people. The things you can learn from a single conversation astound me. I like researching any topic that catches my eyes and analyzing it so much that it unknowingly becomes a hyperfixation. Idk it just scratches an itch in my brain. I want to travel the world one day. And learn and speak and write fluent Spanish, Arabic, and French. I also like leather jackets and comfy clothes and eye makeup. Oh and I like listening to music a lot. Especially walking outside with my earbuds in while it’s cold in the late afternoon when it’s dark but there’s still light and laying in the grass on a hill.

Shows: EXTRAORDINARY ATTORNEY WOO!!! I love that show. It’s been a minute since I’ve watched it tho. Gotta start binging again. But I usually don’t watch shows unless they really catch my eye. OH!!! But I’m short excited for the Percy Jackson tv show coming soon!! Reliving my childhood in 24 minutes every week is gonna be a real treat.

Anime: I’m not watching anything new atm. I binged one piece over the summer though and got to the Sabody arc (early 400s). I’m rewatching TR for the 3rd time this month tho. I cant make myself reread the manga yet it’s gonna be too much for me to handle too soon 🥹🥹🥹. WAIT I TAKE IT BACK. I’m currently watching Blue Lock and Chainsaw Man. I cant believe I forgot 💀💀. Oh and I’m also rewatching the Ranking of Kings and Banana Fish (I don’t know what made me decide rewatching this angst fest was a good idea especially with TR ending but I’m here now so 🥲🥲🥲).

SNACK: Tbh honest I’ll eat anything. Either I’m a vacuum or I’m incapable of eating so my body lovesssss me 💀. Im honestly more of a meal person. I love spicy and savory food tho. My mom never gave me a bunch as a kid so when I eat them now it’s very rare and even then I’m very picky abt which ones I like. I do like caramel, milk chocolate, or whole chocolate flavored sweets tho.

Manga/Books: I’m currently rereading the wrath and the dawn, reading belladonna, and reading HP Lovecrafts stories. On the manga side, I’m reading Chainsaw man (cause I wanna stay ahead of the anime) and I’m finally starting Moriarty the patriot.

I’ve been meaning to read more nonfiction books cause I can gain a broader perspective but i don’t know where to start or find an hood ones or find ones that aren’t mainstream but secretly awful. Do you have any recs?

The Bachira b-day suit panel is very much appreciated 👀😂. ALSO I would love to chat but for some reason my tumblr messaging is broken? I even tried on my laptop and it didn’t work. So I sadly excepted my fate of asks only communication a while ago 😞🤧. Also also some people really need to learn what boundaries are. Like just in general. AND NOOOO THAT FIC IS ONE MY FAVORITES ITS ADORABLE. And ofc that doesn’t erase the fact that your writing has improved by a lot (it has wonderfully btw) but you should also be proud of some of your early works no matter how cringe they seem to be.

How was your day? I hope uni has been going well? As always, I hope you have a good day!!! *sends many virtual hugs*

- ✨ anon

Tags for this ask : sensitive topics; mentions of depression, SH and just me talking about my writing, opinions and life

I- this is first time I’m experiencing an ask based tumblr glitch. I’ve only heard of it from other writers, but experiencing it? This was first for me and I’m sorry that happened to you. I promise I haven’t gotten sick of you and I still look very much forward to your texts . I was wondering where you were after I sent that response out - cause I thought you got tired of me instead 🥹

And omg when I saw you come off anon! 🥹 I was so excited!! Hi!! And ofc you’re one of my online friends as well! One of the first actually 👉🏻👈🏻 like- yeah I used to speak to writers here- but the relationship wasn’t a very consistent one. Like if I’m being point blank about my opinion, It’s not very often that I speak to authors and writers here as idk why but I get the feeling that they see me as a person using them for the sake of reblogging my works and liking them (a few writers being exceptions ofc) - which isn’t the case cause I can get by fine without their help; and I can tell when I’m not wanted even if I can’t see you. So you’re right, a lot of authors don’t interact and they mostly stick to their own circles (again, some of them being exceptions ofc) and me being me, I’ve never done well with crowds; and I’m a loner here - I closed in on myself and didn’t interact with any blog - it kinda helped cause I didn’t have majority opinion of how and what a character should be like or how I should write them shoved in my face. And I focused on interacting with my followers and people who took interest in my work - cause at the end of the day I’m creating content for you guys - who follow me and for myself cause I consider it therapy.

but yay! I finally saw you! ପ(๑•ᴗ•๑)ଓ and ofc I’ll still call you starry!

I’m sorry for closing my chat box; but there was the need to put boundaries for some people ૮ ◞ ﻌ ◟ ა(the amount of spam I got from dating websites and meetups and suggestive messages is crazy and then the ask to sequels came in when I opened it so I had to close it again, and I’m sorry you couldn’t reach me :/ I’m creating a new account so that I can follow some of you back and have fun - a first time thing for me so I’m kinda nervous ૮₍˶Ó﹏Ò ⑅₎ა )

I changed my screensaver again

Sorry I had to do it. It was Rindou and he looked very pretty - and maybe I’ll put gojo back idk- I don’t like indecisiveness but atp it’s just me when I go to get food with friends and screensavers (and pfps)

I’m glad to see someone agree with me abt writing hurt/comfort topics. When I mentioned about sensitive topics what I was talking about stresses on mental health - ranging from mild to severe issues; topics such as depression, and SH thoughts, eating disorders and stuff like that as well how people think about their body image and just very overwhelming emotions in general. Cause these are real issues and speaking from experience, people don’t talk about it cause it’s the case where they have to think twice before saying something to someone or afraid that they would judge them if they opened about it. I’m not a professional but since I’ve experienced this before (and at times still do) I wanted to write about it and since breaking mirrors was so well received - I made a decision to write something deeper and more intense which covers these topics. And what I really like you saying is that these are raw forms of writing which is very true cause the feedback I got for breaking mirrors just proved that people liked my fic and provided them comfort in some way - which means that it was relatable. And that’s what I am aiming for since this is an ‘x reader’ insert.

My Pinterest looks very weird. I’m omw to posting a shirtless man’s pics on my pinned post who idek for the sake of making my blog look good (literally on the cusp of doing it and maybe I will- Sam smith dropped unholy and it’s hoe hoe hoe season too + the fact that we’re gonna slut shame men on this blog) I spend a lot of time on Pinterest cause of pretty people tbh -

I really like your pfp! You got me thinking of changing mine honestly- but Aiku *heartclench* my love - I’m actually in the middle of making one - (*≧ω≦) and I did check out your blog! It’s so chaotic and cute! And I really love the color as well - it’s very soothing (˶‾᷄ ⁻̫ ‾᷅˵)

Gonna tell you now- I had an emperor! Izana that I started months ago, kisaki and Rindou now. Cause I thought of something and it made me go ‘holy hell. That’s- I have to write that down’ and Sanzu’s as well cause I have a lot of art of him saved - his hair is so pretty pink 🥺 but I need time to work on it and I can’t promise it soon cause I have 30+ something wips pending (*T.T)

Everyone’s thirsting for Reo, (me praying at my Oliver shrine hoping that he comes out good and his va is what I imagined so I’m excited for it-) he does give off mature vibes and I’m like 100% sure he’s gonna be a sugar daddy on the market. *wheezing* Nagi share your bf 😭

Istg Izana’s expression - public execution. Time for them to be canceled on Twitter. I love seeing small fanarts like this. And I even found one Mikey art that had me thinking abt changing the theme of my blog

I said what i said. Rin doms his way out of problems- personality of an apple 💀 but they like him. It makes sense

And yeah we should expose issues. So for modeling, honestly it’s not about the body cause I’m pretty average looking like seriously - breaking mirrors was based on my experience; but it’s about the poise, confidence and manners you have as well. (although I have seen some of them be bitches for no reason? Being nice doesn’t cost you anything - being mean is just gonna make karma bite you in the ass) but I think people everywhere are beautiful - body standards shouldn’t determine anyone’s self worth. And I know models look pretty, it’s all about owning the image. Like I have peach fuzz. I don’t shave it instead I ended up cutting my hair short - which exposed it more. Instead of feeling upset about it, I just decided to own the look and be more confident cause this is the way I am and it changed a lot of things for me. In short, Willy Wonka was right about confidence being key -

As for my writing, I’m good at reading people tbh; and the same goes for characters as well - so I draw my own conclusions after dwelling on the thought - and yeah writing is therapeutic. Oh god ik that feeling on when you’re on a break and the feeling of having a jumpscare comes over you (>﹏<) can’t even have good time in peace

Ik it’s a good shirt - hmph. I’m not gonna take an opinion from someone who wears sweatpants and a loose tee. *wheezing* - real men would be sweating if they saw Aiku, Rindou and *proceeds to name 160 husbandos* at my door.

I love the idea for beauty and the beast library 🥺 how I wish I had that - *sigh* and yes! You can learn a lot of things from one convo with a person and if you think about it you literally have a lifetime to know everything about them - cause that one convo is never enough. I totally get the whole thing with a hyperfixation - researched a lot about Egypt when I was younger; and got fixated to a point my mom had to drag me away from the computer- fun fact; Arabic has words similar to Indonesian and Hindi! Leather jackets are so cool and comfy clothes are literally the best thing to sleep in - my ears get cold during the winter or when it sets in- so I wear headphones and walk around places.

Woo young woo is so precious and I love the way they introduce themselves - woo to the young to the woo - 🐋

For anime, I’m contemplating if I should re-watch Vinland saga - the way I cried in the last episode. I. Bawled my eyes out and I still get teary when I think about it 😭; latest updates on snacks, so I bought a lot of sour candy (yea I eat a lot of sour candy)- and my roommates thought it was really sweet. Ended up with headaches over how sour it was and accompanied me to the store, ended up buying sweet things and finished most of the candy and left me the mints ಠ_ಠ

So I mostly read books on history, politics and psychology. To get started I’d recommend going for some autobiography or biography; like geisha of Gion or historical fiction like memoirs of a Geisha - that’s what got me started. I’m glad you liked my comfort fic - a creation that makes me embarrassed cause when I read it the nicknames there are different and these are more solid and I use them for every fic atp. But yeah my fics have come a long way and no matter how cringe they seem, everyone has a starting point in their hobbies and this was one ‘em.

Speaking of Uni, when I had the Mikey and haitani brothers screensaver; remember that guy who made a comment about my weight that I told you about, calling him Danny btw- he said that there was a naked man on my screen.

Okay… and? Do you want the same screensaver I have? Will that make you feel better? So yeah there’s that and Uni had me by the neck cause of this one prof (T.T*) but life’s been going well otherwise! I hope you’re doing well (working on that side account so that I chat with you!) and sorry for the late response (ㅅ´ ˘ `)♡

*sending koala hugs back*

[astrxealis]

Apollo hi hello, I hope you’re doing well <3

I keep seeing your hades II rbs on dash and I am looking 👀 (I love seeing them sm) I remember wanting to get into hades a while ago but I never got the time <//3

So I was wondering what you like about it the most?? I’m considering buying the first game since there’s a discount going on but I was just curious about how the game is and all that, like your general thoughts on it. Sorry if this is random and coming out of no where :’)) feel feee to ignore this if I’m bothering you in any way

Anyways, remember to take care of yourself. Drink lots of water and eat your meals 🫶🫶 remember to take breaks and try not to overwork !!

- tired

TIRED HELLO HI i am doing WELL RN !! but also not because there's so much reqs bcs final week before break but also i am doing mostly good <3 I HOPE YOU'RE DOING WELL AS WELL !!!!! <33

okay omg YEAH i am currently super obsessed my brain is so -@;!()!-?-&!;/!@,' (sobbing) but TYSM FR WAH ..... >___< and honestly i really do rec hades it's so good (I GET YOU BTW i haven't actually. like got incredibly far in the game but i do have a fair amount of time in it + the only reason why i have it tbh is bcs of a family member <//3)

(OKAY I PUT THIS UNDER A READ MORE IF THAT'S FINE I'M SORRY IF THIS GOT LONG i was just replying normally and didn't realize i said so much oh my god)

OKAY SO. okay. tbh i'm not completely sure what i like the most but it's probably a combo of the art design/style + gameplay + characters. the art i'd say is incredibly beautiful and unique !!! the designs are really lovely and all (esp as someone who is a big fan of greek mythology which is one factor as to why i love the game so much!) <3 the gameplay is REALLY fun. and good. it's a roguelike game and it actually ties to the game's concept of death and resurrection ?? (underworld stuff. zag is literally the god of rebirth) and it's REALLY good at what it does. very addicting. no run is exactly the same and i personally didn't think i'd be fond of roguelike games but hades just really hits with it !! (a lot of people who don't like roguelike games seem to think this way too). tbh if hades is your kinda game then it genuinely is. sort of. really a Perfect Game ?? story + gameplay + visuals are like the three pillars of it and as far as i personally know all of that is just incredibly good. the protag is likeable, the other characters are likeable, i don't know some of the most important story bits yet but so far it truly is very interesting, each run is connected to the last (such that if you get a different boss, zag actually says smth abt that! it is a very fluid game. if that's properly describing it). LOWKEY EVERYONE IN THE GAME IS HOT. most likely bcs of the artstyle which is really just so nice <3 BUT YEAH i don't really like roguelikes bcs you kinda restart progress right? but hades really feels productive with each run (i even look forward to dying in game!!!!!) and there's so much failure but i don't really feel frustrated. it's a really rewarding game imo and no wonder a lot of people considered it to be their goty of 2020 (and it won a few awards for that too i think) <33 SORRY FOR RAMBLING SO MUCH BUT YEAH .... the game genuinely is just so good. also the voice acting is actually great. ALSO the romance options are super cool (AND POLY IS ACTUALLY POSSIBLE I THINK. INCREDIBLY COOL) and yeah the devs are worth supporting from what i know and are very inclusive it seems. might be wrong tho FKHSKDNSJ (EDIT: I FORGOT TO MENTION THERE IS AN AROMANTIC CHARACTER IN HADES AS WELL. SUPER COOL. actually im not too sure but yeah)

DW THIS IS VERY WELCOME AND I WAS GLAD TO RECEIVE THIS FR !!!!! not a bother at all >;)) lowkey should put this writing for my school work SOBBING BUT NW LOL IT'S JUST A BIT FUNNY TO ME

so yeah SORRY IF THIS IS WAY TOO LONG and TYSM AGAIN !! and for the very much needed reminder gah i should drink water fr >___< <33

[americanrecord]

hi kelsey! it's nice to see you back!

just had a few writing questions for you as i am really looking to writing as a future career option/aspiration. i've been writing fanfiction for the past few years almost consistently - a lot of one shots and long series written - and writing is quite honestly the love of my life. i almost always look forward to sitting down at my computer with a coffee and lana del rey and pick up where i left my story off, or planning characters and settings and plot lines. i love most of what comes with creating stories.

quite honestly, i have faith in my writing ability. it's not something i usually question but what i do question is how manageable is writing as a career? how do you get your books published? do some never get published? there are so many anxieties and worries going into something like becoming an author and it's one of the things that really makes me feel i should choose a more "realistic" career option. i'd love to write on the side! but i feel like when i pick the "realistic" option there might not be enough time for me to pursue it as a career.

sorry if i'm rambling, it's just something i'm curious about as you're obviously hoping to get your book published (and i have every faith that you will). sorry if this comes off as rude too - it wasn't intentional :)

hi, bestie! it's nice to be back!! sorry, that whole getting a job thing and actually having to go every day and for all 8 hours is a real killer. i've also been busy getting draft 3 in order! so if i'm ever dead for a long period of time, either my life has blown up or i'm deep in writing/editing something. this past time was both!

anyway, writing questions, yay! first, i think it's great that you're looking at it like a future career choice/option! you should always keep as an option even if necessity has other plans. it's so nice to hear that you've found a genuine love for it, too. as somebody who used to write a lot of fanfiction, it's still real writing, and it's an amazing place for many writers to get their start. (truthfully, if more writers started out on ao3/wattpad, we might not see booktok so infested, but that's another topic) i also know that the fanfic territory comes with a lot of struggles, either people being demanding, judgmental, inconsiderate, and or just plain un-encouraging in their silence despite their consumption, so i love to hear that it's a source of immense happiness for you. i hope it stays that way, if and when you transition to original work, if that's the type of writing you're looking to pursue!! (i can certifiably say that while the writing, drafting, and editing process is tedious, particularly in the case of the latter two, i am having so much more fun.)

i also love to hear that you have faith in yourself! more of that! but i will say that being an author is really not a career you can simply elect. take it from me, if anybody could be an author, with any level of skill or effort, i would be an author. many more people would be authors. to be a career author (in the sense that you don't need to have any other jobs to support yourself), you have to have books successfully published, and—in most cases, a good few of them. it's pretty rare for an author to become a mega-millionaire (at all), but especially based off a debut novel. again, take everything i say with a grain of salt because i quite literally am not an author, but i would never advise any aspiring author to quit their job until they are racking in the amount of money that would allow them to write unsupported.

1.) how manageable is a writing career?

depends. this is strictly speaking in regards to a novel-writing career, by the way, because there are many writing jobs on the market that quite literally pay you for your writing. probably not enough, but...still. no publishing industry, just freelance/assigned topics and vibes. on novel-writing: i'm not published, i have no money, so i work as a paralegal. that takes up all my days, monday to friday, 9-5 (7-6), so my writing time comes from 6-11 on weeknights and then i maximize my weekends. some would say that's not manageable for a writing career, and...well, it's technically not, but it is what it is. the hard truth is that most aspiring authors have to squeeze writing time between shifts, late at night, early in the morning, onto sticky notes at work, on weekends, on time off, during holidays, etc. what is required for an author to have an authoring career would be not working or working perhaps part-time and having a living arrangement where there is somebody directly supporting you financially. be that a parent, a sibling, a spouse/significant other, a really faithful friend, whatever. that is the ideal. that, however, is not an obtainable reality for many, so day jobs it is. finding time in the in-between is your best bet. for me, i make the best of it!! it's still time, and it's so much more than nothing if you use it. it's not the most encouraging thing, maybe, yes, but it's reality, and as soon as that dreadful spoonful goes down, the easier it is to pick up, reshuffle, and find a pattern/writing habits that work for you. say you write an amazing novel in those small spaces and get it published, yielding yourself a little success, then things can change. doors might open, time might free up, and you could find yourself in the middle of lots of writing time!! think of that not as an impossibility but something to work toward. many, many authors out there, even ones with name recognition, still can't afford to quit their day jobs, because books aren't always highly profitable, NYT bestsellers, even if they do well. that doesn't mean they aren't authors, it doesn't mean they can't juggle a writing career (and consider whatever else they do the side hustle), or that they won't keep writing publishable novels in their downtime. it sucks, but as i tell myself: it's life. (as long as i live in capitalist hell)

2.) how do you get your books published?

i'll let you know when it happens to me! but also, jokes aside, it's a long, long, longgggg process. the writing, drafting, and editing processes, plus the feedback cycles, are only like the first half of the journey. so you finished a manuscript, yay! it's shiny, and perfect, and at the appropriate length, and—nobody wants it. publishing a book, traditionally (as in through a publishing house, not through self-publishing, which anybody can do), has as much to do with skill as it does with luck. you sent your book off to a literary agent at the exact right time it was the type of book they were looking for and/or it was what the market was demanding. for example, though i fear the market is becoming oversaturated, what is huge right now is romantasy (romance x fantasy). many a writer are polishing up their dragon and sex books rn and sending them in and likely receiving agents because readers are devouring those voraciously. it might not even be good, it might not be as great as *yours*, but it's what the market wants, and it'll be what the market gets.

and publishing is a whole iceberg of things, but the basics of it (granted, i don't know what happens behind closed doors because i'm only just compiling the stuff i need to start sending things out. i'll no doubt be running suicide blonde through another round of edits/cuts before it goes anywhere) are that you take your manuscript and your publishing materials and send them off to agents. publishing materials, which can be researched independently because real writing instructors will break them down better than me, typically include a query letter (basically, 5 second synopsis on ur book, the word count, genre, intended audience, etc, meant to bait an agent), a synopsis (slightly longer explanation of your book and it's major plot points, including a spoiled ending), and the amount of your manuscript they're interested in reading in their first pass. i was talking about this yesterday, i believe, but they'll usually ask you to paste anything from the first 5–25 pages (i haven't seen anything more extensive than the first three chapters) of your manuscript into the email body. the agent who receives your email will then read your query letter, synopsis, and manuscript sample (sometimes, they just ask for the letter, sometimes a varying combo of things) and, if they like your stuff, they'll request the full manuscript. then, if they like that, they'll offer you representation. if they don't, you'll get a rejection. (but still promising, because your materials interested them. either there ended up being a weakness in the manuscript or it just wasn't what they were looking for.) if you never hear back about asking for a full manuscript, it's safe to say its a silent rejection. you'll usually never hear back from an agent unless they're interested. and you can find agents on online databases. there, they'll say what types of manuscripts they're looking for. never send your fantasy book to a guy looking for nonfiction unless u want an automatic negative. and, usually, don't send your stuff to more than one agent from a company at a time. and never ever send anything in that they didn't ask for. if they wanted just a query letter and five pages, do not send them a query, 2-page synopsis, and the first three chapters because "my story doesn't get good until then." you'll get an automatic rejection and the question from many authors that, if your book doesn't get good until page 24, why you didn't start your book as of page 24.

but, say you do get an offer and all those logistics sorted out, it's the agent who is then responsible for taking your manuscript to various publishing houses and trying to find the best deal possible for your novel. many agents are career-long partners and most agents, if not all, want to secure the best deal for you, because if you don't get paid, they don't get paid. they will never see a dime for your work until you do. everything else is a little hazy for me because i haven't gotten there yet, but once things get picked up by a publisher and contracts are signed, books go through edits, design, production, etc, all so it will end up on a little bookshelf and hopefully in some happy reader's hands.

3.) do some never get published?

absolutely. yep! never. some books never get an agent (and agents are typically needed if you want to get anywhere, especially the big 5 american/NY publishing houses) and therefore will never get the chance for traditional publication. and some get picked up, but die somewhere in the process, and never make it to publication. that's why it's important (and i'm in the middle of breaking these rules, so i will be panicking about suicide blonde later, partially why i'm interested in writing a shorter standalone novel rn) to sort of write a novel, particularly debut/first novels that apply to the standards of the genre. for example, if you have a straight up, trope-driven romance, it MUST categorically have a happy ending and should probably fall within 70-90k. when you're an established career author, you have soooo much more flexibility to be like, fuck that, here's my 115k romance, but...that's a pro of having sway. by that time, you've demonstrated to publishers that you can sell a book, so they're much more likely to allow you to depart from genre/publishing conventions.

but, yes, some never get published. or, or, not right away. for example, people might have written four books before one ends up getting picked up. those other three dormant ones are referred to as trunked novels. often times, publishers like the idea of trunked novels, as it shows that you're not a one-trick pony who can only write this singular story. and, often times, a writer can publish that fourth book and then pull out those other three novels, re-examine them, and possibly publish them. for many authors, their debut novel that the world sees is often not the first book they wrote.

so there are a lot of anxieties, and i understand them all. legitimately, i do. that is why i would advise that, unless you are wealthy or have somebody willing and able to support you while you pursue your novel-writing career full-time, that you should always pursue another career to bring in money to support you while you write. it doesn't mean go to law school (unless that's your jam) and be a lawyer and never write again because at least you'll be guaranteed to bring home the big bucks, it just means find something you like enough to fill your days and pay your bills and use your free time to devote to your true passion until hopeful publication happens and your circumstances witness potential changes. tiktok/booktok, as much as i bash it, has also opened up a lot of opportunity for self-published work and writers too, so that is always an option and one that absolutely shouldn't be frowned upon. the trad publishing industry is known for being oversaturated with white, straight, cis writers as it is, so many POC, LGBT+ writers often have to take routes like self-publishing. it's not a bad thing, it's not a sign that you're a lower quality writer, and it does give you complete creative control over your own novel (i just recommend forking up enough to pay for a thorough, professional edit and get good at marketing yourself.)

i would never call writing/authoring a silly/unrealistic dream, it's just one that's not immediately available for many people and one that needs to be worked toward. so while you may need to push it to the side, it doesn't mean it's not there. like i said, scores and scores of writers wrote phenomenal books in their brief, squeezed moments of downtime. i've picked a full-time job, i have no other choice, and yet i make time to write because i love and prioritize it. things like children and other commitments might compromise this, but it's not something i contend with, so it's worth keeping in mind! use the free time while you have it and see what happens. even if i never get published, i'll never stop writing simply because i love it so much. if i die with a trunk of novels, then i die with a trunk of novels, but it's a sign i did with my life what made me happy, even if not successful.

so i rambled and am too lazy to go back to check for typos, so hopefully this was helpful and transparent and helped demystify things a bit! thanks for the encouragement and faith too!! please know that i go through moments of crisis and hopelessness literally every day, but i will persevere, and so will you !! (and u did not come off rudely at all, and if you have more questions, i'm always here <3)

[bvannn]

Weekly Update February 16, 2024

I’ve been mostly okay this week except Thursday and I also haven’t been sleeping well. I assume I’m basically equilibrated on the medicine I guess thursdays are just gonna suck for a while, oh well. I got stuff done this week. I’m a bit tired from lack of sleep so sorry if I ramble.

Music: today I just went and recorded a bunch of stuff on the fancy practice room pianos with the petals. Not everything I need for current projects but the way I’m looking at it for now: the fancy keyboards have 2 advantages over my Casio: damper petals and dynamics (they have quiet petals too but it doesn’t look like midi files record that). I don’t know how many VSTs I have that even utilize dynamics, I assume most of the pianos do though, and obviously damper petals are important for piano as well to get that extra reverb. But for other instruments, not as important. So I can use my Casio for most of what I do, which is great because I don’t have to walk through a giant snowstorm to get to it. Problem is a couple of the songs I’ve been focusing on have been character themes for OCs, Romeo and Shaun specifically. The two piano players. So the songs use a lot of piano.

As for the songs themselves, I’m making reasonable progress. The main ones I’m working on are (1) character theme for Romeo, ambient, (2) an EDM type vocal song that is basically done except for the lyrics and vocals, (3) a symphonic rock vocal song that is basically done except for the lyrics and vocals (and maybe I might redo a verse melody but that’ll take like, 10 minutes), (4) character theme for Shaun, low priority because I’ve had to basically scrap and redo it from the ground up because it sounded like shit, (5) song of storms medley that I have everything recorded for basically I just need to plan out instruments and get the other parts separated, which really shouldn’t be hard at all idk why I’m procrastinating, and (6) video game retro boss fight style song that I have written down a plan for and have a melody idea in my head but all I’ve actually made so far is a drum and bass line. I got a couple other ideas and Melodies I’m holding onto but I want to finish some of these first. If I get another burst of recording energy I’ll try for that boss fight theme tonight but that’s unlikely. Next steps will probably be finishing up Romeo’s theme by tempo fixing the recordings I did today, and plugging them in to the master edit, if I need to add more instruments I can but I already have like 13 layers in that file (mostly ambiance and percussion) so I’m hoping I can make do with what’s already there. Then next priority should be taking another stab at lyric writing or practicing with vocaloid again.

General drawings, a couple OC drawings done this week, I’d like to do more but I just haven’t had time. Comic thumbnailing is going pretty well though, I’m at 18 pages. I’m aiming for 32 total, but because my initial writeout had me going over, I’ve been trying to keep the page count low here. If it’s too low, I can add back in some more dialogue conversations, since again, more character interactions and ghost exposition would probably be appreciated by readers, but not justified enough to excuse extra pages. But if there’s extra pages, why not add it back in? Well, it might break pacing but as long as I watch that it shouldn’t be a problem. Whatever.

Also been playing a bit with other stories I’ve had as lower priorities. Obviously Backstage is the next most fleshed out story after the O’Malley Foster Home, and I’ve been thinking through plot and character stuff for that, but also some other stories that are so underdeveloped they don’t even have central themes yet. Once I get central themes, they’ll basically write themselves, but until then I need to focus on individual character conflicts until I can find common ground between them, and it becomes the theme. What that culminates to is rotating characters in my head and trying to imagine dynamics with them until eventually something will click. If I get anything I’ll draw it, but I want to try to put more thought into that, since I think some of my insomnia is just me running out of sheep to count, so I need to find more things to ponder, and I think that’ll be a good one.

Still no animation anything but with Romeo’s theme so close to completion I’ll probably throw together a small animation of him playing the piano or something. I don’t mention it much but the majority of the OCs I post are musicians in some capacity. Mikey, Jack, and Thomas are all guitarists, Shaun and Romeo play piano, Emrys is a drummer, and Josh sings. Animating that could be fun, but it’d probably get repetitive after a while. I’m kinda poking at other animation softwares too, since I kinda want to give animating in clip studio another shot, plus I have certain characters meant to be really visually different from others, so I’m considering trying Blender for a cutout style animation or something. Plus the more I think about it, the more certain I am that I’ll have to animate more flowy stuff like long dresses or ghost tails in after effects instead of flash. Annoying but I can learn, I can always learn.

Final tiny note keep getting on and off pushes in motivation for the anime campaign game I’m preparing, still not sure if I’ll try to find players in person only or online or a mix. But I have some art for it on the side I’m working on, as if the epithet 52 isn’t enough epithet erased style art. It’s fine I’ll hopefully take a break and do more OC art again soon.

Next week looks to have a absolute ton of homework so good chance I’ll be unproductive, although every time I say that I find a way so who’s to say. I’m hoping I’ll be okay medically too, since I mostly was this week and today (except this morning when I woke up early from a nightmare, but that was before I took my medicine so it doesn’t count). My bigger condition also flaring up on and off this week too but I’m already doing everything I can about that so it’s fine. I thought last week that a consult for the next surgery got cancelled, but turns out it was a miscommunication and I’m actually still fine, so that’s a relief. This next week I’ll do what I can, hopefully finish a song, and get a couple more drawings done.

[10dance]

Ahhhhhhhh!!!!! Sorry I had to scream, I still can't believe that the new chapter is finally here...

First off, this is a gorgeous cover. Both of them looking at each other and not wearing clothes... the shoujo petals, Suzuki's mole being heart-shaped..! you two should kiss!! Inoue must've been thinking that we've been very deprived and decided to gift us this cover page.

Anyway, we got a pretty long chapter update (18 pages and a loooot of dialogue) this time, starting with Max's lecture (?) on Sugiki and telling him he should ask for help. This just makes me even more curious as to what happened after Sugiki froze on the dancefloor... It made me so sad when Sugiki said he mostly had kind onlookers ;-;. He didn't say it like it was a bad thing either, just kind of matter-of-fact, like he knows he'd have to help himself as he's always done, I suppose.

Also, I absolutely love Inoue's panelling choices and all the little motions she adds in as the conversation continues. It makes it a lot more interesting to read and it's great! (Might have influenced my own writing, since I'm realizing that I do that as well, haha). There's like, two shots with Max prominently showing his bare foot which I'm not sure was necessary... Inoue has some explaining to do..?

Then they have a wholesome moment in which Sugiki genuinely thanks Max. I still don't like the man much, but since he did help Sugiki (in his own twisted way) when no one else could see that he needed a distraction more than work, I'll be lenient on him for now. And he also listens to Sugiki rambling about his angsty feelings for Suzuki, what a good (?) friend. It pained me a little when Sugiki questioned if his own feelings were really love like Suzuki concluded all those months ago (for us it was years!). He must've given it a lot of thought too but we've just never gotten to hear it. I really want another discussion between the Shinyas to resolve this. And I like that Sugiki is still confused over Suzuki's kneeling like we are. Maybe Suzuki will explain to him, but we'll have to see next month.

I really liked what Max said about being of help to your loved one, would've never imagined him saying that, though, lol. In his case, letting go of his lover was the right thing to do. I'm wondering what that implies (or doesn't) in Sugiki's case. Sugiki has always wanted to help Suzuki career-wise, and I don't think that has changed. So what could he be doing to help him even more?

And about Max's lover, he was already kind of in another relationship that was the main pairing in the Gloria stories, and he never showed much interest in Max so it was never a competition haha. It's funny but also a little sad to know that he still hasn't forgotten that man. I wonder what he thought of as he watched Sugiki get dressed (beautiful view mmm... he was shimmering...), but it's probably not going to be revealed any time soon, sigh.

Now that the sad talk is over, Sugiki innocently suggests that the man Max was talking about is Norman, and I love Max's reactions! For once, he's not the man on top and he's super flabbergasted to a cartoonish point. Seems like Norman is his weak spot... I suggested in the server that their ship name can be Edwards because it's similar to the Shinyas. Their back and forth with a visibly stressed Max and a deadpan Sugiki was so entertaining, I can watch them all day! I wonder why Max got so embarrassed; he could've just brushed it off coolly and Sugiki would have no reason to press on, but instead he gave us Tsun Max. Is this when he realizes he might have A Thing for Norman?

Sugiki catching him by saying "so you used your time and money all to get to know Norman better?" and Max agreeing got me laughing. This is the least he could do for all the dragging around Max forced on him!

Edit: I almost forgot to mention!! Sugiki answering that he'll take rum while looking angsty is so hnhhhhhh......... i get it...

And while we're at it, let's enjoy some beautiful Sugiki shots:

I enjoyed their dynamic in this update so much, I'm definitely looking forward to more Sugiki roasting Max in the future. We know that the next two updates of chapter 40 will be focusing on the other characters, and I just can't wait to see Aki and Suzuki again. We probably won't have another Shinyas reunion/conversation until the end of the chapter or the next one, but for now I'm just overjoyed that 10 Dance is back up and running.

10 Dance - chapter 40, part 1 summary

Following the Japan International, where Sugiki froze up and could not perform the honor dance, Max takes him back to his place to offer advice. In a discussion that includes topics such as Sugiki's inability to seek help and his ongoing feelings for Suzuki, Max also receives a shock when the tables are turned and his own romantic pursuits are brought into question.

Full summary and highlight images under the cut.

Chapter 40, part 1: Come On-a My Life

Published online on June 9th, 2023, available to purchase on Comic Days, or rent for 10 days on Yanmaga.

A freshly showered, robe-clad Sugiki sits curled up on a bed inside Max’s mansion. Max comes over and tosses a towel to him, saying he looks disgraceful and needs to dry his hair. He says he’d gone to the competition just to see the dancing of the so-called Emperor, and wonders what was up with the lackluster performance Sugiki gave. He sighs and tells Sugiki that he needs to ask for help when he needs it. As he lights a cigar, he asks how anyone could expect to receive the help they need by relying solely on others reaching out to them. Sugiki says that he’s always been surrounded by kind onlookers. Max states that that’s because even if Sugiki were about to drown he probably wouldn’t even raise his hand to seek aid. He wonders why it’s so hard for Sugiki to voice his needs, and complains that he’s a pain to deal with. He’s interrupted as the ashes from his cigar burn his bare foot, and Sugiki takes the chance to say he’s grateful, which garners a shocked look from Max. Sugiki says he appreciates the things Max has done to take his attention away from Suzuki; that feeling of detachment from the real world he had while he was accompanying Max on his adventures did allow him to forget for a while. He stretches and sighs, then confides in Max that he can’t control his feelings. It seems unnatural for Suzuki to no longer be by his side, to no longer be able to touch him, and ponders how this feeling could not be considered love.

He wonders why Suzuki kneeled down and begged at his feet, thinking he might have wanted to do the same thing. He feels a bit defeated that he can’t quite put his thoughts together coherently. He’s then struck by the scent permeating the air, and asks if it’s from the pieces of wood Max used to light his cigar. Max says he used cedar sticks, and though he rarely uses this method to light them, on days like today it has a useful effect in that it can create a calming environment.

Getting back on the subject, Max muses about how this whole saga started because of the 10 Dance, asking if Sugiki planned all of this to satisfy his own ego. Though the story didn’t turn out like he imagined, Max asks if Sugiki would be satisfied if it all ended here. If he values Suzuki so much that he wants to grovel at his feet, then he needs to become useful to him. There are multiple choices Sugiki can make from here, and Max says in his own case he chose to let go of the one he desired (referring to the man he was pursuing in Inouesatoh’s previous work Gloria). It still hurts, but he doesn’t regret it, because even though he was never able to earn his love, he’s still proving himself to be useful to him in other ways. Sugiki asks if this has something to do with the glasses Max tried to gift him with before, and Max confirms that it does, saying Sugiki looks a bit like him, though this other man is older and wears glasses. Meanwhile, Sugiki gets up and starts to get dressed out in the open, while Max silently appreciates the view he glimpses when he turns his head. He thinks about how it looks like he’s got a body that can withstand a lot, and he internally comes to some decision (unspecified from the point-of-view of the readers).

Sugiki asks if the man Max is talking about is Norman, which shocks Max and makes him ask why he’d bring up Edward. Sugiki is confused about who Edward refers to, and Max explains that both he and Norman share the middle name Edward, which Norman hates. Max claims that he hates that irritating brat right back, and says that the one he loves wears glasses, is standoffish, doesn’t listen to a word he says, and is a striking man who sometimes looks villainous. Sugiki points out that Norman fits all of those descriptors. Max protests that he and Norman have never gotten along, and the one he’s after is a Japanese man he met much later on. Sugiki says that Lucas told him Max and Norman have known each other since way back, and though it might seem at first glance that they don’t get along, once Max lays eyes on Norman he’ll definitely try to flirt with him.

Max defensively counters that it’s only because Norman is such a rare species. Sugiki wonders what he means, and Max explains that Norman is a surviving descendant of a bloodline that supposedly died out long ago that has ties to the royal family. Though his relatives are trying to keep it hidden at all costs, Max is sure that it’s true, as he spent a significant amount of his precious time and ample resources researching it. Sugiki states that it seems like he spent all that time and money just so he could get to know Norman better, and Max starts to agree, but then calls Sugiki a brat and says he seems to be back to his normal attitude. With that being the case, he suggests that they have some drinks. He asks what Sugiki would like, to which he replies he’ll have rum. Max says that they should stop quarreling like kids and move on to talking about more mature subjects. He puts on his glasses and declares that he has a proposal.

Previous chapter: #39 part 6

Next chapter: Though a specific date has not yet been revealed, according to Inouesatoh's Twitter this chapter will be released in three parts over consecutive months, so we can anticipate part 2 sometime in July 2023.