#sorry this is a LOT

[heavenshardware]

I’m crazy about the fact that Maxwell joined si-5 after 6 months of stalking and enormous pressure while Jacobi treats his one year anniversary of joining like it’s his wedding day. Idk what this is saying but I feel like it definitely says something about them and the way they view their places and roles in the power structure and their involvement in si-5

oh Absolutely. this is something i have put So much thought into because most si-5-centric episodes areeee My favorites.

Kepler and jacobi really do just. Work so well together and they way they just cut each other down is so Disgusting and Beautiful. but before i can really talk about that i do want to bring up the circumstance of how their “meeting” in TTBOT that kepler set up was able to create the roots for any of this.

kepler purposefully finds jacobi at his lowest and his most vulnerable (unlike maxwell). refers to him as his friend, starting off with his infamous “long story short”’s, buying him drinks. you could even take the way that he acts with and speaks to jacobi as a little flirtious. he pretends to take a genuine interest jacobi’s life, entertaining his riffing. as far as we know, jacobi and kepler are the only two people who are able to speak to each other in such a way that’s almost poetic. they finish each others sentences, and on jacobi’s side of things—

**i want to mention kepler quoting king lear in act 1 scene 4 specifically here. this is a little off topic but i also want to talk about it. TTBOT is also a good parallel of this scene because it lays the foundation for jacobi’s undying loyalty for kepler and his destructive nature and how it compliments keplers focus for only creating what matters as they both mirror kent and king lear respectively. this scene also touches on introducing keplers fatal flaw: his pride

—to directly quote kent here, he’s able to “keep secrets…ruin an elaborate story by trying to tell it, and deliver a plain message bluntly”. jacobi is essentially the filter for kepler, has he’s molded him as such. really, jacobi has trusted kepler from the beginning; i mean, how many other guys do you know that are also military men who go to shitty pubs in san francisco in the middle of the afternoon? jacobi is putty in keplers hands. kepler likes control, and when it comes to kepler, jacobi likes giving it up. [insert some powerplay joke here based on their innuendo-esque discussions about punishment]

moving on from TTBOT specifically, though, it makes sense that they have such a relationship. kepler introduces himself as jacobi’s savior. kepler is the reason he’s found a job, kepler is the reason he’s found his best friend who is practically his sister, kepler is the reason for.. who he is. (its also definitely related to the cycle of abuse kepler gets caught in due to his proximity to cutter.) kepler manipulates jacobi’s desperate need for approval constaaaantly so their power dynamic mimics that of two people who put each other on pedestals just building them higher and higher. kepler is obsessed with keeping up his image so jacobi doesn’t lose trust in him, and jacobi is obsessed with knowing that this image is true so he can continue to mirror it. he separates himself from his personhood to get as close to kepler as possible. in an ama somewhere as well shachat says that the two *need* special attention from each other for the si-5 to even function as a team! codependent freakssss!!!

to get to a general point about power structures, though, jacobi and kepler are so high up because they work together as a unit essentially sharing a status when the cutter administration isn’t present. neither of them believe that maxwell is “beneath” them, however, she simply isn’t able to match the influence or connection they have. maxwell is a skeptic, she’s a *woman* who’s been wronged so many times by the system that she has a general distrust of everyone and everything around her (excluding hera because… you know). and thats not to say she doesn’t genuinely value her relationship with jacobi either, but she teases him for his undying loyalty to kepler and their genuine appreciation for goddard. she’s only there to do her job as kepler is the only person giving her the means to do it. within the system, jacobi and maxwell are coworkers and kepler is their superior. however, socially, jacobi is above maxwell because of how much kepler and jacobi value each other.

not to paraphrase mitski here but… you know. jacobi is keplers dog. he believes in him like a god. and kepler will cut him down like he is

[tiny-security-mech]

I am. Annoyed. By the few comments I've seen that say Serverblight should have jumpscares in it.

No. Big old hell no.

Serverblight isn't about that. Serverblight is about the slowly growing sensation that you are not the strongest thing in your environment anymore. Little details being wrong or off and throwing youn into the uncanny valley. That prickle in the back of your neck that tells you that you are being watched. Hunted. It's about the terror of realizing you are the prey now, not the predator. Of the realization that you are teaching your hunter to be better at hunting you, because it's cunning and manipulative, not just a beast.

Jumpscares are the cheap, cowards way out. They're a way to trick you into thinking something is scarier than it is by taking advantage of the way your brain processes sudden loud noises and visual changes. They can occasionally be used effectively but in my personal experience, that's a very uncommon occurrence. Jumpscares just don't fit into the kind of tensions that Serverblight has built so far.

[anxiousgaypanicking]

i know my dummy self keeps asking shi and you can ignore me but. an i get side headcanons like top/bottom, body shape, ethnicity, age and other stuff like when you imagine smander smides, what do you see? thank you (i swear i'll stop buggin you eventually)

no its completely okay!! i did actually just sketch what i picture the sides to look like on my art account (here) but im free to go over everything verbally as well!!

rq though i dont really picture them with certain ethnicities. in human universes i like the idea that the twins are costa rican on their fathers side, and so speak a little spanish, but that their mother is very conservative white and lowk tries to erase that culture from their household. and for janus ive always liked the idea he's italian but i really have no reason for that headcanon other than its funny to me. for the others i really have no preference - and all-in-all i feel that their ethnicities can be whatever because theyre imaginary. as a white person, i tend to picture most of them as just... white, which is lowk uninteresting sorry </3 ily sanders sides creators who give the sides cultural and ethnic depth

i also typically imagine them to just be "adult" but have never thought of it more specifically than that. old enough to drink i suppose lmao <3

patton: i picture patton to be the biggest of all of them! hes the tallest, and the fattest, very warm and squishy to the touch, and very smothering (unintentionally or intentionally) when giving affection. hes also very hairy bc thats a fatherly thing i picture, so his chest, stomach, legs, arms, etc is all covered in hair. + he has a cool beard. i also picture him to have a gap between his front teeth and freckles over his entire body. he also has round glasses, and i imagine him to be blonde. i also picture him to be a top, but whether he's dominant or submissive depends on who hes with (he likes to take care of his partner, and so typically lets them choose).

remus: i picture him to be the second tallest side, but the thinnest. his ribs are visible if he lifts his shirt up, because regardless of what he stuffs down his throat, he doesnt retain any weight. hes also very hairy, with long, messy hair on his head (that you KNOW he doesnt brush), a groomed mustache, and a messy bit of hair on his chin. he has a black crown floating above his head, with a cracked green gem in it. i imagine him to have dark brown hair that almost looks chlorine stained (with greenish undertones, yk?) sexually i picture him to play and enjoy any role - top, bottom, sub, dom, etc. so long as its sex, he doesnt care

roman: roman is the third tallest (and by "third tallest" i mean remus has got like half-an-inch on him, but constantly rubs it in romans face). he has long hair like remus, but its neatly brushed, styled, and tied back in a ponytail to keep it out of his face while fighting. he has freckles that dot his nose and spread over his cheeks, but he frequently covers them with makeup. hes also very muscular because he feels it fits his prince/knight aesthetic; looking strong means he must be strong! i picture his hair to be that pretty reddish-brown, and he has a floating golden crown above his head, with a red gem in it, and pierced ears. sexually, i picture roman to be a submissive bottom, just because i think 1. hes pathetic (and i love him) 2. he deserves to be treated sometimes 3. he has the smallest cock

virgil: fourth tallest. a bit heavier-than-average body type, but i picture him to have been thin before accepting anxiety, and having gained weight after joining the light sides. i know his eyeshadow is important or whatever but ive always loved his bangs and like the idea they cover his eyes completely. he also dyes his bangs purple, but keeps the rest of his hair black. he has pierces ears, and no facial hair. sexually i picture him as either a dom top or dom bottom, just because he likes to be in control. however, he will play a submissive bottom if comfortable/vulnerable enough

logan: i picture him to be the average height for a male in america (which is about 5'8) and all of the other sides are just crazy fucking tall lmfao. i always picture him with rectangular frames, of which obscure his eyes, so his emotions aren't conveyed clearly (when i draw him now, i like drawing "eyelids" on his glasses almost, as if his emotions are only shown through them). i picture him to be pudgy, with neatly brushed black hair kept short and mostly out of his face. sexually i picture him as a sub bottom, but can also play a sub top role depending on who hes with. on rare occasions i enjoy him as a dom, but i prefer picturing him as pathetic and oversensitive! (hes also my favourite side teehee)

janus: i actually never paused to think about what janus looked like until i drew him last night lol i think ive described him physically different in like every fic ive ever written about him (i seriously need to reread hunger hurts and see if ive ever talked about his physical appearance outside of his scales, but whatever), but i like the idea he has long blonde hair that he ties into a ponytail at the base of his neck. and when i say his hair is long, i mean i picture it absurdly long, so that it almost looks like a snake-tail trailing behind him. also in human universes i picture him to have a hip injury, and thus needing a cane. he's also clean shaven, but because i picture that he's unable to grow facial hair/hair on his lower body (though he lucked out with still growing eyebrows). sexually i picture him to be the most dominant out of everyone, and strictly a top (though i do enjoy sub/bottom janus as a rare treat)

uhh some fun other design hcs that i didnt feel could be listed up above. here: - i picture all the sides to have heterochromia except the twins (patton has one dark blue eye, one light blue eye. logan has one dark blue eye, one orange eye. virgil has one purple eye, one green eye. janus has one brown eye, one yellow eye. remus has two red eyes, and roman has two green eyes) - roman and remus are supposed to mirror each other in a lot of ways. they have mole birthmarks on their cheeks, but on opposite cheeks. their parts are both naturally on opposite sides (i borrowed this hc from my identical twin sisters - they split from the same egg and are completely identical except their hair parts, with one of their parts naturally flowing left and the other right), their sashes are going opposite directions diagonally - then there's their boots, their cape things, even their hair! they're very noticeably similar, but still incredibly different. - patton wears a bracelet made by each side - a bracelet from each light side on one wrist, and one from both dark sides on his other - patton keeps his hoodie tied around his waist and not his shoulders for no reason other than i liked it better there lmao - virgil has matching a bracelet from patton that he wears, but its not visible while wearing his hoodie - i dont draw hands (obviously lmfao) but i picture all the sides to consistently have their nails painted as well (logans black, pattons a variety of colours, romans red/white/gold, remuss green/black/silver, virgils black or purple, and januss black or gold) - remuss white streak is a birth mark and not a bleached piece of his hair. i also like to imagine that any other part of his hair will retain hairdye except that part, where it'll just wash out (much to his dismay) - when logan gets particularly stressed his hair will grow out faster and quickly can become rather long and unruly. remus finds it really attractive but logan finds it quite the nuisance - logan has persistent bags under his eyes, but they aren't visible beneath his glasses - remus and virgil both have yellow teeth - all of remuss teeth are very sharp - virgil and logan both have sharp canines - janus has fangs

[dogsstew]

Billy as an angel almost very serene and beautiful

Is this serene and beautiful enough

Jk I did two more just in case bc I’m crazy whatever

The last one is actually him from Touch but don’t tell anyone and the sketch is old (it was a character study)

[lazyroseart]

I've been thinking about Spreaver again.. more specifically the "A fell first and B fell harder" thing

(Btw this purely for my Sparrow Lenore so this isn't for Spreaver in general just wanted to put that out)

For me Lenore fell first and Reaver fell harder. You be asking why? Which I will answer, so Lenore's reasons for catching feelings is a bit complex from how Reaver is with how confident he is plus how openly selfish he is and how alike yet different they are. While Reaver fell harder after awhile once the two actually start having more of a thing between them.

Why she likes his selfishness? It's because she also wants to be selfish but she always felt like she wasn't allowed to have anything from what happened in youth and how the people view her so she has to be selfless because death isn't selfish as it takes everyone. To be honest the only time she is selfish is when Theresa gave Lenore the choices at the end and Lenore choose Love.. She choose Rose and her dog Token over the victims of the Spire.

Okay on to Reaver, so for Reaver it was more a build up as for my version of Spreaver Lenore actually holds characteristics to Her where over time Reaver sees less of Her and more of Lenore as herself and not as reminder of what he lost over 200 years ago. In a way he's somewhat moving on even if he's still an ass.

On a funnier note I think it would be funny if Reaver was sat up late at night and realized he has a romantic interest in Lenore like it's 3am and he just goes "Oh fuck.."

Another note is they view death quite differently as Reaver was afraid of death when he made the deal while Lenore is the opposite she's okay with dying as it doesn't scare her.

[nightbirdbliss]

Ramble, rant, fun facts, ideas, anythin you wanna yap about

OH MY GOD OKAY AHEM

I'm gonna talk so, SO, so much about this. (I think. I have time to kill, so hey. Why not? Let's see how long I take. It's 9:38 right now.)

So I'm gonna talk about my OCs Aspen Burkholder and Riley Blaine. I guess with that comes their ship, Monster Energy but UH! I'M GONNA! GET INTO THIS INSTEAD!!

(TW: drug mention, familial death, dysfunctional family, divorce, BELOW THE CUT!)

Both of them stemmed from when I was really into That Handsome Devil. Like, brainrotting. I think if I assigned the two albums, Aspen would be "The Heart Goes to Heaven, The Head Goes to Hell" and Riley "Drugs & Guns for Everyone". I have specific songs in mind, but alas, I'm linda tired.

Anyway onto uhhh who did i list first..

RIGHT, ASPEN!!

Aspen's pronouns are She/They/It

So basically, Aspen is just a very scared and (mildly?) cursed teen. Aspen was cursed by a cursed book that presented itself as a diary/journal type thing, y'know? They wrote in it to cope, but the book pulled a Tom Riddle's diary (yeesh, little me would have gone crazy over that!) and started to write back.

It sloooowly took over their mind, and in the end told them if they wanted all the power of the book that they had to hurt the people hurting them. Of course, a moody and desperate teen would do just about anything to escape their hell, right? Aspen, blinded by the book's curse ended killing their parents (they're an only child) and becoming the monster they are. It's a physical representation of the monstrous things they did for the power.

To put it short, they are the monster almost permanently. They can change into a human form, but they can switch into the monster form as fast as their emotions switch. They flee into the woods behind their house, going missing for.. about a year and a half? Dunno, long enough for some hunters to see them and try to shoot them slash have them become local legend/cryptid type thing???

Let's switch gears and talk about Riley.

Riley's pronouns are She/He/They

Riley is the oldest child. Rebellious and headstrong, they're constantly in arguments or hiding from them at home.

Their parents are separated.

They can seemingly never catch a break, because even at school they're getting picked on for being different.

Don'tcha just *LOVE* bigots? /sar

Other than the dysfunctional and broken household, they had a mostly alright upbringing.

Okay, together now.

Aspen and Riley met in 6th grade after having been put in the same class. They were inseparable friends in middle school and their freshman year of high school, when they took each other to homecoming. (awwh!) When Aspen up and vanished, Riley was heartbroken. She looked all over for them, but never did find them. Well, until they were scouring the woods as an attempt to connect with Aspen, wherever they were.

Aspen found him, but Riley had nooooo clue who it was. They were terrified of Aspen. After a long discussion of what's all happened, Riley embraced Aspen. This caught the monster off guard, expecting Riley to hate them. Riley does know what Aspen did isn't right, but understands the headspace and tries to help Aspen get back into civilized society.

Aspen now has therapy.. and maybe the government asking to take them.. for "science" reasons..

But anyway they're back together and they love each other still :3

yeah lore dropped ouh woohoo. it's 10:06.

fun facts?

aspen likes really likes car trips, and sometimes acts feral

riley knows all aspen's quirks at this point, and 100% teases them.

hope this suffices. if not. ask this question again i'll definitely yap about some other ocs :]

[redrageoused]

hiiiiya!! do you have a goodreads or storygraph by any chance? I love the way you write stories and I wanted to anyone what are some of your favourites :)

hi!! i do not have either of those but ! i can just tell u some books ive enjoyed :3 probably there r more but these r the ones that i like vividly remember going Shit These Are Good . keep in mind though my enjoyment of books is exclusively based on how much fun i had & how fast i finished it i personally dgaf about quality but i do think these are very well written !!

the book of tea duology by judy lin (fantasy where the magic is done by tea ceremonies), icebreaker by a.l. graziadei (not the straight one, lighthearted queer hockey romance :3 kinda fast paced but cutesy), the october daye series by seanan mcguire (super long, still ongoing, crazy characterization and worldbuilding, fantasy in the faerie way- her other series indexing is amazing as well), ponyboy by eliot duncan (google trigger warnings for this maybe but its a transmasc mc whos addicted to drugs in paris- not a traditional novel format or timeline), rules for vanishing by kate alice marshall (found footage-style horror, a little more ya but still amazing), a criminal magic by lee kelly (historical fanatasy set in 1926 washington dc where magic has been made illegal & can be consumed through whats functionally alcohol), the poppy war by r.f. kuang (historical fantasy, hella popular i loved it), last night at the telegraph club by malinda lo (lesbian historical fiction set in san francisco) and the merciful crow duology by margaret owen(fantasy, magic system is cool asf)

[vacantgodling]

7 - Would they ever consider a sexual relationship with someone they aren’t attracted to? Under which circumstances? 5 - Do they care about their gender identity “matching” their presentation in the way their society expects? Why or why not? 12 - Does their society impose gender roles on people? How has this impacted them? 13 - How is transness viewed in their society?

for anyone you think would be fun

~ @void-botanist

bc i'm being abnormal about azelie and sjaak i'm going to do this for them. crazed about them even.

this wip is heavy so i'm gonna put tw for just.... heavy subject matter regarding sex, transness and body modification. and stick it under a cut.

5 - Do they care about their gender identity “matching” their presentation in the way their society expects? Why or why not?

azelie -> not really; she's quite masc. though she does wear dresses, she keeps her hair cut short and somewhat 'boyish' (for the time) and much of this has to do with being on the fringes of society (vampirism) but also wanting to differentiate herself from rosita and matrixell, who are very very traditionally feminine.

sjaak -> yes, i suppose, but not in a way where he thinks about it? in his mind he is and always will be a man, he's never thought about being anything other than. the intersection of being biracial (he's black/white) in 17-1800s is definitely going to cause somewhat of a gender cognitive dissonance because of his struggles with feeling like he's even human (and being a werewolf doesn't help) but he's never felt like. trans/nb basically.

7 - Would they ever consider a sexual relationship with someone they aren’t attracted to? Under which circumstances?

azelie -> yes, and she already has in some ways; she's not really attracted to sjaak but the two of them sleep together around the time they first meet. and she's definitely not interested in silvano but 😬 she did what she needed to do to protect biscella. because she's ageless (a vampire) and was born in such a way that is traumatic (vampire birth is oof in this wip) she has actually very little mental connection to her own body and only sees it as a vessel to further her goals. romance and mental attraction is more sacred to her in many ways.

sjaak -> hahaha he's literally so in the closet its funny. generally speaking though no. esp given the time period (late 17-early 1800s) he's AGGRESSIVELY attracted to women to the point of self detriment (re: this whole story) and he wouldn't ever sleep with a man... unless we remove ourselves from the main wip and i think about multidues of later in history land since he's also virtually immortal so take of that what you will.

12 - Does their society impose gender roles on people? How has this impacted them?

in general yes--i mean this is a historical supernatural fic so it IS actually for once set in an identifiable historical time period and you Know that europeans were extrememly rigid about gender presentation

when i think about their respective 'alternative' societies outside of the real world sphere, vampires are more uptight than werewolves--at least in the coven that azelie is currently apart of with the rest of the casavantes. the reason for this being is that essentially, their coven is a cult. luis (the father figure) defected from the main cult that he was apart of who saw humans as a source of food, with his half-sister-wife matrixell and created his own MUCH smaller coven wherein he took away her and their daughter rosita's ability to reproduce on their own (bc vampiric women can its a whole thing) and that plays into the role of what he believes a 'proper woman' is, and something that rosita and matrixell buy into. azelie however, doesn't. and she hasn't let herself be defanged, nor has she bent to the whims of their new cult which in a way is like not performing womanhood in their eyes correctly. its a loooooot of nonsense going on in this wip.

when it comes to werewolves, there's actually more of a lax structure of gender when it comes to the actual people who are turned; as anyone can become a werewolf by consuming moonstone, and so everything is not broken up by gender man/woman but more like breeders/wolves. breeders are those in the pack who haven't turned because their goal is to procreate with broodmothers and bring up more warriors into the fold. because true wolves who hunt vampires (like sjaak) are infertile, there isn't the whole dichotomy of being a right or wrong man/woman because the real value is being strong to slay vampires. this is why dalal has such revere in the pack DESPITE being a woman because she's extremely strong and has slain hundreds of vampires. if any of this makes sense. ik its not very traditional way of thinking about it, but that's what makes sense to me to explain this pff. but, for sjaak, this causes a lot of internal conflict. he was raised in yknow, regular society before he was turned into a wolf so his already complex struggles with being a biracial (black) man in relation to gender is OOF. but now he can't even do the parts of being a man that he was taught all this time were important: provide (apart of the pack now he can't work traditional labor jobs for a myriad of reasons) or sire children (infertile). so aside from everything else going on in this wip, something else is that sjaak struggles in a cis way about not feeling man enough, but also in a trans-adjacent way because of not having a choice of being who he is now (werewolf tm) and somehow liking who he is becoming despite it all (which is a stretch of a metaphor, i know, but it kind of describes how Eye feel regarding being a man/man adjacent in queer society when sooooo many alphabet mafia people hate men. its a lot of commentary in this wip ok).

and speaking of transness--

13 - How is transness viewed in their society?

if we ignore the real world and just stick to the world of vampires and werewolves: overall vampires are very accepting of a variation of 'transness'. vampire women have the capability of creating life on their own without men (no dick needed but cool if you got one in my book, in practice... its 1700 something you tell me), and the reason i consider it trans (in a way) is because even though vampires are an alternative and trangressive society, there is still the backdrop of the real world behind it and how vampire women behave is certainly not how all of women behave irl during this time. however, there are some like luis who aren't a fan, and yknow, we essentially genetially mutilating people (defanging) becuse of it. so yike. but luis is an outlier in vamp society.

similarly, werewolves with their whole anyone can become a wolf thing, transness in a way is acceptable if i think about it through that lens. not all women have to become broodmothers and bear/sire children, they can become werewolves instead. it is still... misogynistic though because more women become broodmothers and bedwarmers to the pack than men do, but in a way, becoming a werewolf as a woman is a form of transness in a way.

[floral-hex]

Two hours. I got two hours of sleep. I’m so frustrated with myself.

Went to the ER. Everyone was very nice. They gave me an IV bag of fluids (I was dehydrated! Sad cactus!) and a little ativan (teeny dose), which was nice at the time! Just a little amount, but the (mostly) quiet room, fluids, and meds managed to relax me a lot. Could have fallen asleep if the bed was actually comfortable. Then they packed me up, gave me another little Ativan to take home for tonight, and said they’d contact my primary. Cool cool. Got some much needed food on the way home, then took the pill and got comfy. Again, smallest dosage they make, so no feeling too good. Managed to muscle past my anxiety to fall asleep, and… 2 hours. Woke up. Tried to go back to sleep. Too frustrated and anxious and I feel like crap. What should I do? Just eat a whole gummy and hope that knocks me out? For me, that feels like playing roulette. Could work, yeah. Could make me sleepy and pliable. Could also backfire and make me feel sick and extra anxious for another 5 or 6 hours. What do I do? Roll back up to the ER? “Hewwo, I woke up and I need more benzos 👉👈🥺” haha funny, but I’ve seriously been thinking about it 😑

God, I’m miserable. Been sitting outside on the porch for a bit. Not quite an hour. Needed to get out of the apartment, but tbh, nearly 4am outside isn’t doing much for me. I just feel alone. It wouldn’t help with sleeping, per se, but just someone, I dunno, hugging or holding me for a few minutes would honestly save me a little. What a mess. Oh yeah, and apparently my kidneys are going 👎👎👎 down. Bad meat. Not great test results. Not what I’m focusing on tonight. I’m a mess. Anyway, this was my update. Sorry for all the walls of text. Suppose this is mainly for me to look back on in the future, but can’t pretend it’s not at least a little validating to put this all out into the world and knowing that maybe one or two people read this and I didn’t suffer completely without recognition. Yeah…

[designernishiki]

I saw your post where you said something like «Kiryu and Mayumi slept in the same bed for six months» and... I kina doubt it. This bed is too small for two people, it hardly accommodates Kiryu, given his size. So she was probably either sleeping on the floor or sleeping somewhere else.

For some reason I always thought that she didn't live with him at all, just came there from time to time. If you look at the apartment where Kiryu lives, you can see that there are only his things there and no other things. And I don't remember exactly, but Mayumi's profile at the beginning of the game says something like «she's disappointed that their relationship won't get off the ground» or something like that. So, yes, the poor girl was desperate for him while he was in his le gay depression phase.

okay so I was waiting to answer this until I started legit playing 5 so I could have a bit more context and whatnot and now I have done that and hdhxjcjdjv boy do I have a lot of thoughts. warning: this is kinda long.

so I can clarify now that– yeah– they weren’t actually living together technically, she would just come over a lot and spend the night there regardless of his opinion on it (which typically was “you should go home” or “you should stay at your own place for once” no im not just being mean, those are both almost word-for-word). she does have slippers there by the door that denote she’s there often, but his apartment’s pretty barren overall, which to me says less about her being around or not, and more about him probably only going home when he needs to sleep or runs out of things to do, not hanging around there much otherwise– he’s got no books, no radio, nothing. just an ashtray on the table. It’s safe to say it’s not a place he enjoys being in.

And yeah, it’s bizarre how many people say “kiryu had a girlfriend for six months” despite her profile and kiryu himself in dialogue stating… kind of the opposite? ie; that they were not a couple, kiryu was disinterested in her, and their lack of a relationship/kiryu’s lack of interest was frustrating to her. She was never his girlfriend despite her giving her all to get him to budge, and that’s kind of an important part of the dynamic.

(here’s her character profile for reference.)

As for the bed thing… honestly I’ve got no idea how that worked. cause you’re totally right, that bed is SMALL– relatively small for kiryu alone let alone two people, and she wasn’t legit living there so obviously she didn’t have her own room or anything. so my bet’s either that there was a futon that could be rolled out, since that’s pretty common in japan, or that she slept kinda cuddled up close to him and he just sort of laid there stiffly not really sure what to do about it– probably wearing him down with the good ol “well there’s only one bed and I wouldn’t want either of us to have to sleep on the floor…” one night, and she took that and ran with it from then on. either way, also of note, whenever she was around (or could show up at any time) he wore a full sweatsuit, even while in bed. yeah you could blame it on it being winter and all, but come on man who he hell wears a sweatshirt and sweatpants to bed. I think he was just genuinely uncomfortable with the idea of being unclothed in close quarters with her.

it seems like he wasn’t sleeping much in the first place anyway, so I don’t doubt he’d end up slipping away and falling asleep either on the floor or at the table or whatever at times. we know he’s not a big fan of being touched and cuddled or whatever when he doesn’t want it/by almost anyone, so I think it’d just be an ongoing losing battle between not wanting to be too harsh or rude, and preserving his own comfort and boundaries. as an autistic guy who’s particular about his sleeping conditions and necessary privacy myself, it kind of sounds like a nightmare not gonna lie.

anywho. I don’t wanna sound too negative towards mayumi as a character or anything, but it’s pretty straightforward that she was imposing on him quite a bit and did go beyond his boundaries at a time when he was especially emotionally vulnerable– and he let her in because she was in a place of vulnerability, at least so he thought. there’s plot reasons for her persistence in being there to an extent, and maybe that’s why she didn’t take the very very obvious hint that he was not interested in her and not just playing hard to get (is it really a hint when he tells her directly to her face? whatever you get it)

[thetreetzar]

Wanna hear about the time i had a panic attack because i didnt wanna go to math tution

mood

i once had a panic attack because i had to take a test in an unfamiliar building and so i went to the park to calm down but didn't tell anyone and my parents and the teacher were in the gc (that i was in) just like "oh no where is evan" but they never asked me where i was and so i didn't tell them and then they called the cops and i went home right when the cops got there and the older of the two cops was not a very kind person the younger one seemed to be more understanding

i also nearly cried over fractions and imperial measurements in the middle of the craft store because ribbon width is in fractions of an inch and i can not conceptualize how big an inch is

[kermitmentality]

freshman year, my poor advisor (kinda like homeroom) teacher found out i was suicidal

she saw me with scissors in my pockets, watched me suffer, she had it hard. and one of her previous advisees killed himself. i feel bad still

but i found out today that she asked one of the girls in my advisement to keep an eye on me because i became friends that year with someone very… strange

i just had a falling out with that friend bc i was being used

idk i’m embarrassed and kinda hurt… idk i feel like a child- i couldn’t really take care of myself ig

and there are other adults who have just met me and told their kids to keep an eye on me bc they’re worried abt me (whether bc of my parents or can tell i’m not doing well mentally)

it kinda hurts for everyone to worry. it’s very kind, don’t get me wrong, but it makes me feel out of control

[rotiaftermath]

Td spoilers

Ok ok just watched the new eps and ripaxel good. Mkulia good. Prileb… meh… like I do think their bonding in ep6 was good but it’s just kinda boring in general and they’re dragging it out!! It would’ve nicer if they kept the alliance angle and Caleb not having romantic feelings for her!! Also I wish there was more conflict about it on Priya’s side like!! Having some internal conflict between having a crush on a competitor vs knowing things never end well for couples on TD like… it’s very rare for couples on TD to go far typically after they get together one or both of them get eliminated and there’s no way she doesn’t know that so it’d be interesting for her to have some kind of conflict between knowing that and wanting to keep her feelings in check vs this being a strong crush (quite possibly her first) and her feelings getting away from that… or something I dunno I’m rambling

Anywho the way Nichelle went home… sighs. I like that Julia schemed!! I loved that but man. Nichelle just going back to Hollywood after hating it is!! Unsatisfying. And it’s not even a real contract!! Like shouldn’t it have raised some red flags or something?? Like if it were real why would some bigwig producers just leave it on her bed??? Sighs. But Julia scheming was so good… though I do wonder who would’ve gone home had Nichelle not quit

Also the rajbow conflict. I think it should’ve continued in ep6 to at least some extent… like their interactions are cute in a vacuum but in context it’s like?? It would’ve been nice to have more conflict and Bowie pairing up with Raj to try to regain his trust or whatnot during the challenge!! Would’ve been interesting to have Bowie debating on like… going easy on Raj to regain his trust vs knowing he’s on the chopping block and that he can’t risk it!! Also since they were cool with each other when Bowie was eliminated they should’ve kissed before Bowie left!!

Chris revealing he knew about the cheating and instead punishing mk for stealing his hairdryer was classic though I loved that!! And the hairdresser stuff in ep5 was great!!

Ripper being all for cheating was good too wish he had more interactions with his team before ep5 though!! Also loved everyone being kinda grossed out with ripaxel making out but it’s ok they just don’t get it… also the ripaxel confessional where Axel was like you know what couples do when they fight? They make up and ripper happy gasping that was so cute

Also the merge was way too early what was up with that?? DAMIEN WINNING IMMUNITY THOUGH!! He deserved it!! And yeah zee is kinda floating but I love him so I don’t care. He kept a zeecret (priyas crush on Caleb) :) he might be keeping another zeecret :( (Caleb using priya for an alliance (we know Caleb isn’t actually doing that but zee doesn’t))

Also also I did like the challenges!! They were fun!!

[businesstycoon27]

we do research for our dating games? That sounds super fun XD

thank you! :D dating games have been rotting my brain since i was a child so i really wanted to make one at some point

the basic idea is mc moving into a haunted apartment and getting to know the ghosts from different time periods.

one of them is a byzantine nun from the 12th century who is really into romance stories. the other is from 18th century france who is involved in a postal service/letter writing/gambling (it's not so clear yet but those are the topics i wanted to explore within that period). the third one is from a hungarian fairy tale, where the character's special talent is throwing peas through keyholes (and gets into beef with the former king matthias corvinus) (this one is just personal vendetta).

it's a bit of a mess but i wanted to see how they would interact/what similarities/differences they have. at first i wanted them to be dateable but i think it's just a story about gals being pals. nothing warms my heart more.

the folder name just stayed bcs of the initial idea sorry is this clickbait? :D

[sparklebyte]

“here’s what we know about the uhc shooter”

WRONG! He is a suspect and we should treat him as such. He should be treated as innocent until proven guilty, not guilty until proven innocent. He’s a person of interest not the killer. I don’t care what the media or authorities are saying, he’s a human being who deserves a fair trial and deserves to be treated as innocent until proven otherwise.

[corrodedparadox]

Falling Star

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