#sorry that's just a thing one runs into that i hate in queer spaces that some places anybody who'se not femme enough makes folks nervous

[macksting]

Also when you have settled on an answer, it's not necessary to think of that answer as final; if you figure out you're a man or a woman or neither or both, then later decide you weren't quite correct about that, I'm pretty sure that's normal. I have a friend who fully transitioned to a feminine body, then retransitioned to a more androgynous body because they got dysphoric again and realized they overshot. I thought I was genderfluid as a teenager because I didn't realize dysphoria isn't consistent or constant or the same for everybody and I should've chased gender euphoria instead which is a more reliable barometer. Later still I decided I was cis for, like, a whole decade before my egg finally shattered for good. And maybe you'll try something out and not care for it! That's fine too. I didn't tell my doctor, but a large motivating factor for me in starting HRT was curiosity: I wanted to know if I wanted it, and the short-term changes were no big deal, and the long term changes I decided could deal with because I didn't like myself as it was, so maybe this was in fact part of why. Or maybe not. (It was. I still have problems, but this ain't one of them.)

You don't have to get it right the first time. Transition is about agency and self-discovery. When someone discovers they're cis after consideration, that's a huge upgrade all its own. I always cheer and congratulate that too.

And it's okay to want something nobody has told you you should want.

How do I know if I'm Trans?

uhhh hard to say, it varies for everyone i think. but i WILL say that if it's something you're wondering about already, then it may be worth exploring those thoughts further and trying to figure out what parts of your identity, personality, experiences, etc might be prompting that question.

i've heard it said before that most people who are 100% cis do not typically spend time questioning their gender identity beyond what was already assigned to them, and that sounds pretty correct to me... but worst case scenario you try experimenting with how you present yourself for a little bit and consider how you feel about it and come out the other side feeling more confident in the gender identity you started out with. so it's worth a shot i say! maybe test out how you'd feel if a few trusted friends use different pronouns for you, consider dressing a little differently or accessorizing or playing around with your voice or whatever, and just see what happens! you don't have to commit to anything, there are no rules with this stuff :)

[genderqueerdykes]

I am a trans man who abandoned my previous account because i needed to leave the community.

The trauma and self hatred runs so deep that despite it being months i still can't think of my masculinity as anything other than wrong. Not just that, but leaving made me happier. Not having community made me happier. Think about that.

At least now I can see i deserve better. But it's hard knowing that my love and support was so summarily rejected by the transfems on this site.

i'm really sorry you've had to go through this, anon. you shouldn't have to do that

the thing is people don't realize that while this online fighting is pointless, it does hurt people. and it can cause genuine trauma because it IS abuse. abuse doesn't have to occur in person to be legitimate. a lot of acts of abuse and violence can be committed remotely with modern technology. basically anywhere people can interact, abuse can happen. this is actually hurting and scarring people in real ways and we need to acknowledge this

Not just that, but leaving made me happier. Not having community made me happier. Think about that.

the fucked up thing is i feel the exact same way. i interact with community on here in order to educate but outside of this, i currently do not interact with the queer community. once im off this blog, i'm not really interacting with queer community, i will talk to my queer friends and engage in my own queerness, but i am not thinking about the community for the vast majority of my day. i'm not interested in trying to casually go to a trans space and be misgendered all the time.

i immersed myself in my local punk community last year and all that happened to me was that i got a lot of hollow compliments, condescended to, talked over, fetishized, treated as a sex object, descriminated against, had people stop respecting me the instant they found out i was a trans man, had people try to tranny chase me for being a trans man with a vagina, got called too whiny and emotional, got accused of hating trans women because i'm a transmasc lesbian, got mocked for not having a penis, watched my roommate treat me with annoyance that wasn't there prior, felt alienated in my own home, and just in general felt ashamed that i wasn't an amab trans woman, because those were the only trans people who hung out there for any substantial amount of time

the transmascs and trans men never hung around for too long. the majority of the trans punks who showed up were transfem. like. almost all of them. it was rare to find another transmasc, and i can work a crowd, i don't feel scared or uncomfortable in crowds, so i will talk to just about anyone who acknowledges my presence. i met so many transfem punks that i've lost count, and about 3 or 4 transmascs. it frustrated me and took a while for me to realize why. that place was deeply transandrophobic. the regulars did not treat transmascs with kindness. i was actually sexually assaulted by one of the transfems there multiple times, and had another that was trying to come on to me because i have to do stretches for my lower back or else it locks up, and she saw this as an invitation for sex. my ex gf started treating me completely differently the second she discovered i didn't have a penis, to the point of actually progressing to yelling at me for being too whiny and emotional. the cis gay men that were there would talk about how breasts and vaginas were gross because they were gay men right next to me.

after leaving that community i feel so much better. i'm basically on my own, i don't mind it, that's how i like to live my life as a schizophrenic person, but outside of the way i interact with the community as someone who participates in education and activism, i don't really interact with queer communities. i'm tired of being harassed, targeted, insulted, misgendered, sexualized, and getting sexually assaulted.

this is the really sad truth right now. transmascs and trans men in particular usually live outside of queer communities. we are so alienated. that's the entire reason people think we don't exist. it's because so many people will not let us exist inside of queer spaces, so we have to live elsewhere. so many trans men end up having to have mostly cishet friends to avoid drama and harassment. it's not that we don't exist- it's that a lot of people just will not let us take up space in queer communities long enough for people to see how many of us there are. there are a lot of us, but we aren't being allowed to exist inside of queer spaces, so people trick themselves into thinking we're not real trans people

you do deserve better. i hope in time the trans community learns to treat trans men better. you don't deserve to have to alienate yourself like that, but that's just how things are right now. take care of yourself. you're important even if people don't want you to feel like you are.

[g1rld1ary]

you never disappointed me - part three

part one part two part three part four

➻ synopsis: luke castellan x aphrodite!reader ; after beckendorf does some research with silena, luke finally knows how to ask you out (10 things I about you AU)

➻ word count: 2642

➻ warnings: ooc/kind of loser!luke, ooc silena, she/her pronouns used for reader, sexual innuendos, alcohol, smoking

➻ so i immediately got hit with a ton of uni work lols (so mean for first week??) so this took a little longer than expected sorries!!

TAGLIST: @myxticmoon @wicca-void @leeknows-wife @thekittyxo-blog @number-onekidqueen @instabull @slaybestieslay946 @sflame15-blog @yourfavmiki @ivory-sage

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

While you were being tormented by the two boys Camp Half-Blood (or maybe your mom?) kept sending your way, Charles was following Silena around like a lost puppy, noting down whatever she could find about you in your limited personal space in the Aphrodite cabin. After several minutes of nothing promising, he was starting to feel hopeless.

“She’s not a…” Beckendorf trailed off, looking for more delicate phrasing.

“Girl in Red fan? No. I found a picture of Heath Ledger under her bunk once so I’m pretty sure she’s not harbouring any queer feelings.”

“So that’s the kind of guy she likes? Pretty guys?”

“I don’t know,” Silena said impetuously, “All I’ve ever heard her say is that she’d die before dating a guy that smokes.” Beckendorf cringed. That was an issue. Silena continued mindlessly, digging through your drawers and belongings. She pulled out your reading list, planner and a sticky note of things you were going to do when you left after summer. Finally, Silena let out a devious giggle as she dug through your top drawer. She didn’t let Beckendorf wonder for long, as she pulled out a pretty pair of lacy black underwear.

It wasn’t the most scandalous piece of lingerie sitting in that cabin — not by far, but Beckendorf still blushed like the teenage boy he was, almost too afraid to look at the scrap of fabric.

“And, uh, what does that tell us?” He asked, eyes anywhere but the cloth.

“She wants to have sex someday, that’s what,” She said it as if it were obvious, and Beckendorf wished a hole would open up and swallow him down. He really didn’t want to be talking about your sexual desire right now.

“She might just like the colour?” He mumbled, hand running over his hair in an effort to ground him.

“You don’t buy black lingerie unless you want someone to see it.” Beckendorf felt kind of guilty, he figured he probably wasn’t who you had in mind when buying black lingerie, and it was starting to feel like a serious invasion of privacy. That was only heightened when Silena pointedly avoided telling him which area was hers, saying it was ‘private’. He rationalised his actions by praying to the Gods the plan would work and everyone would get a happy ever after.

Still, Percy and Beckendorf took this research to Luke in his semi-secret spot behind the training arena, where he could drink and smoke without being worried about being caught by the younger kids or Chiron. He didn’t look exactly happy to see them, but Beckendorf thought he might just be warming up to them.

“So, what’ve you got for me?” He asked, taking a swig of his beer.

“Insights into a very complicated girl,” Percy said, dislike of you obvious.

“Just one question,” Beckendorf asked “Should you be drinking if you don’t have a liver?” One of his new brothers had told him the rumour that Luke had sold his liver on the black market during his quest for a pack of cigarettes and a ticket back to camp.

“She hates smokers!” Percy interrupted, hopefully before Luke could process what Beckendorf had said, and very successfully redirected his focus as Beckendorf grabbed the lit cigarette out of his hand, snuffing it out on the dirt.

“So I’m a… non-smoker now?” Luke spat the words, sounding almost disgusted with himself.

“Just for now,” Beckendorf assured him. “And one more problem — Silena said that she likes ‘pretty guys’.” A tense silence fell upon them and Charles wished that sometimes he would think before he spoke. Luke’s gaze on him was heavy and intimidating, and if Percy wasn’t there with him Beckendorf probably would have cowered and escaped.

“Are you telling me I’m not a pretty guy?” Luke asked, and if he had to say, Beckendorf thought his attitude right now definitely wasn’t helping his case. He and Percy shared a quick look before reassuring Luke that he absolutely was a pretty guy, they just had limited experience in deciding those labels. Satisfied, Luke glanced at the list Beckendorf handed him of all of your interests and engagements. He frowned, and both the younger boys exchanged uneasy eye contact.

“So what, I’m supposed to buy her noodles and books and sit around listening to some shitty girl power band?” He asked, dread and boredom evident in his eyes.

“Have you ever been to Club Skunk? Her favourite band is playing there tomorrow night,” Beckendorf provided, disheartened by the quick shake of Luke’s head.

“I cannot be seen at Club Skunk.”

“But she’s gonna be there! She’s got tickets!” He protested, and Percy put a subtle hand on his arm.

“Dude, everyone you know is here. No one’s gonna see you at Club Skunk and think you’re less of a man or whatever. I’ll tell everyone you’re off in the woods smoking weed or something.” Luke looked at them for a long moment, seemingly considering the offer. Finally he agreed, and Beckendorf thought it may have just been to get them to go away, but he was happy enough.

Luke, having gotten over the humiliation it would be to go to Club Skunk, was more than interested at the new piece of information he’d just learned. He thought he was the only one who snuck out of camp, and he wondered how often you did it. Reasonably frequently, he guessed, since you were going to all the trouble to see a band that probably played around the state constantly. You just kept on surprising him, and though it was all a bit of an effort on his part, he had started to enjoy getting to know the parts of you that you kept hidden behind the icy exterior.

You, on the other hand, were getting really weirded out. You might’ve just been paranoid, but you were sure that the new Hephaestus kid who was friends with Percy kept staring at you. Even Percy glanced at you more than once during dinner, something you didn’t think had ever happened before — and you were not looking for attention from the camp’s golden boy, no matter how many times he’d probably saved your life by extension of his quests. Those two, coupled with Luke, whose attentions had inexplicably been focused on you for the last week, made you feel a bit like an animal on display; violently uncomfortable. As you left the meal you shot Beckendorf a nasty glare, somewhat satisfied when he jumped and averted his eyes. You shook your head in a physical attempt to clear the burdens of your thoughts. Soon you wouldn’t have to worry about any of the campers or the stupidity that flowed around the grounds.

About twenty minutes after the campfire started and the rest of the camp were safely together, you began the trek up to the Hamptons — the closest city with a venue. You waited anxiously for the bus to pick you up outside the camp lines, looking over your shoulder to ensure no one had caught you. If your adventures got around camp then Silena would absolutely tell your father as payback for being the reason she can’t date, and that was a whole new set of issues you really didn’t care to deal with. Luke, standing in the shadows watching, felt almost bad for spying on you. Almost.

You could feel your shoulders relax as you got further and further away from camp, the judgement and expectations of people you didn’t even like far behind you for the night. You’d been looking forward to this show since you got tickets with your friends during the school term, and you were determined to make it worth the pain of summer. And it really, really was. Your whole friend group had made it, making it a long awaited reunion, and the band was one you’d been following for years. You danced with all your energy, gleefully shouting lyrics and laughing loudly when you got them terribly wrong.

Luke watched this from his seat at the bar, entranced in your private bubble amongst the chaos. You were smiling — a rare sight at all at camp — but this was one he didn’t think he’d ever seen in all his years of knowing you. It wasn’t filled with pride like the ones you tried to conceal when you got a new record on the climbing wall or you finally beat Clarisse in a training match, nor was it the satisfied smirk you had when you put an egotistical camper in their place or beat up jerks like Ethan. Your smile was alight with joy; relaxed and wholehearted happiness that spread through the room and seemed infectious to anyone who passed you.

It was at that moment that Luke truly understood how you were a daughter of Aphrodite. The way the lights reflected off your hair and your eyes, the easy way you moved your body to the music, everything about you suddenly seemed perfect, and he wondered how he’d never noticed it before. Your appearance hadn’t changed drastically; your hair was loose instead of the practical up-do needed for camp, you wore a tight fitted crop top instead of the camp shirt and you might’ve had some glitter smeared around your eyes. All inconspicuous, ordinary things, yet you seemed like a brand new person. Luke decided he liked this version of you, and if this whole plan failed, at least he’d gotten a glimpse into your real world and behind the facade you hid with at camp.

He was ripped from his thoughts when he saw you make a drinking gesture to your friend, heading towards him unwittingly. He turned in his seat hurriedly, trying to act cool and unaware. You spotted him almost immediately, persona switching up as disgust crept back under your skin.

“If you’re going to ask me out again, could you just get it over with now so I can get back to enjoying my night?” You sighed, grabbing the water bottles from the bartender.

“Would you mind? You’re kind of ruining this for me.” Luke gestured around, hoping his acting chops were as good as he needed. You ignored it either way.

“You’re not surrounded by your usual cloud of smoke,” You noted, curiosity getting the better of you.

“I quit. Apparently they’re bad for you.” You raised an eyebrow, almost too surprised to come up with a quip.

“You did?” You hated how genuine it sounded and turned to go, sensing him get up to follow you.

“You know, I was watching you out there before,” He yelled over the music, “I’ve never seen you look so sexy.” In possibly the worst timing in history, the song ended and the entire club was treated to Luke’s compliment. You both flushed red, and you were unable to contain a small giggle — wildly uncharacteristic for you. Luke, to his credit, only had a mildly sheepish grin on his face, and continued to follow you across the dance floor. “Come to the Apollo party with me.” You couldn’t believe him! Here you were, miles from camp and he was still asking you out. Though, you couldn’t deny that he wasn’t quite as infuriating as you originally thought.

“You never give up, do you?” You gave a good natured sigh, ducking under someone’s arm to get to your friends.

“Was that a yes?”

“No.”

“Was it a no?”

“No!” You let out another laugh which floated over the crowd and straight to Luke. He couldn’t contain his own grin.

“I’ll pick you up at 9:30!” He yelled back. You gave no indication of having heard him apart from a momentary glance, and he couldn’t tell if the smile was directed at him or just a byproduct of your situation. He took it either way.

Having gone to the effort of sneaking away from camp, Luke decided to stay for the remainder of the concert and grudgingly decided the band wasn’t that bad. Not his style, sure, but he could kind of see why you liked them. Besides, these drinks were easier to get than the contraband ones he had to smuggle into camp.

Tired from a night on your feet dancing and feeling your pleasant buzz slipping away, you were less than charmed seeing Luke waiting for your bus. It made sense, obviously you were going the same place, but you didn’t want him to ruin your great night by pestering you about a date.

“What are you doing here?” You asked bluntly, eagerly sitting on the misshapen little bench.

“Getting home?” He trailed off, unsure of what you were looking for. “Besides, we’re a long way from camp and it’s late. Didn’t feel right leaving you here alone.” You hated that you thought it was sweet.

“Do you not think I can take care of myself?” You picked a fight instead, unwilling to be genuine with him. Luke wasn’t stupid enough to fall for it.

“I have complete faith in you,” He laughed, “I’m making sure you don’t kill whoever bothers you.” You let out a snort of a laugh accidentally. You tried to recover,

“It’ll be you if you’re not careful.” Somehow Luke didn’t believe you.

Surprisingly, the trip was almost pleasant. Luke had already gotten what he wanted from the night and the next phase of his plan was shaping up, so he knew bringing up your impending date would only sour your mood. Instead, when he plonked himself down in the seat next to you on the bus, you talked about mundane, silly things. He asked about the friends you were with and let you talk about your life in New York, waving you off when you started to feel guilty since he was at camp all year.

“There’s this really cool record store, we go there all the time. They have this huge bulletin board on one wall where these tiny little bands put up posters for random gigs with, like, fifty people there — it’s so sick, like the 90s I guess. Maybe —” You cut yourself off but Luke knew where you were going. Maybe I could show you. You would deny it if he brought it up, but he couldn’t contain his smile either way.

You were surprised that you had so much to talk about, briefly wondering why you’d never been friends with him before, but the conversation continued all the way to the camp border, where you both knew the risk of sneaking back in meant your night together was over. Once you got into camp there’d be people all around; campers should be in bed but counsellors often patrolled for a while, and many of the non-demigod folks around camp could be up and about well into the early hours of the morning.

“So, um, I’ll see you around?” His sudden shyness was unexpectedly charming, and you found yourself giving Luke a smile — a real one that made his heart flutter embarrassingly.

“Bye, Luke.” You held eye contact for a fraction longer than necessary before disappearing into the shadows. Luke watched you go, not quite starstruck but close to it. A rustle of the trees behind him spurred him into action, but the image of you on the dance floor played on repeat behind his eyes as he lay in his bunk.

[mamawasatesttube]

Hiii (sorry I know I've been sending a lot of asks lately please tell me to stop) I've reading your fanfics (? I don't know if that's the word) and I have to say I'm in love with how you write queer characters! (As a queer myself)

So I wanted to ask where does your headcanon of trans Tim come, because I've seen it a lot around the fandom but I've never found the reason

Anyway have a great day and have lots of kids!(it's supposed to be a way to send good luck? Ive never understood it, so don't take it seriously)

absolutely no need to apologize, i love asks and i love to talk ksjdhf!!! sometimes i take a bit to reply but thats just me being sleepytired all the time + wanting to actually ponder my response.

so to me trans tim comes from two main places: a) im queer so i just hit all of my favs with the queer stick like oprah giving out cars, but also more importantly b) i think tim's relationship with his dad and with masculinity as a role, as influenced by his relationship with his dad, are fascinating spaces to play in. some of my friends take this and run with it in the transfem tim direction and i totally see that and love it too!! while i'm a transmasc tim truther by default i think either way, the thing is just like . haha hey this guy overthinks about masculinity and the role he needs to play about it. He's Not Cis.

the funny part of that is chuck dixon definitely didn't mean for it to come off that way, but looking at things like tim getting antsy about guys at school not thinking he's a man's man enough because he "didn't have a car" and ari owned up to that, or tim faking not knowing how to fight in front of ari that time at the theater and hating that "his girl" had to watch him get beaten up, etc... he worries a lot about being masculine enough. this is probably some kind of insight into just one facet of the many things wrong with chuck dixon as a human being, but i like to take it as a far more fun and spicy insight into tim viewing gender as a role he has to play. to me it reads like he thinks being a boy/man means ticking a set of boxes correctly. and he does get some - he likes going to ball games, he's athletic and active, he's got guy friends like ives, girls like him - but others are things he has to try at. does he actually like going on fishing trips with his dad? does it actually matter if alfred wants him to dress as a woman? who is it actually affecting if ari says he doesn't have a car? is his prickliness around some of these things, perhaps, indicative of something going on in his weird little freak head?

this is why i love to write him as transmasc but genderfluid. its just that he does not realize the genderfluidity until he's an adult because he keeps telling himself "well i'm a guy and that means i tick THESE boxes and i do NOT tick THOSE ones" and ignoring any discomfort that causes him. it's all tied up in his mental picture of masculinity, which is all tied up with his feelings about his father. which are all tied up in his grief and guilt over jack's death. so he will not be unpacking this for a WHILE. but boy howdy is it fun to dissect!

[masochist-marmot]

In defence of "problematic" ships

CW: references to abusive relationships

There seems to be a growing mindset in fandom spaces that a ship is not valid if it's somehow problematic. Interestingly, the criticism towards a ship is rarely formed as "I don't like it"/"it makes me uncomfortable". Instead, they often attack the shipper with a "you must enjoy being abused and will end up being killed by your partner" or whatever.

Can we not?

First of all, and I'm so sorry to break it to you, but these characters are not real people. They have been constructed to serve a narrative. And seeing an interesting dynamic on the screen/page/whatever and thinking it's worth exploring does not mean you want to be inserted into that situation, nor does it mean that you endorse it in real life. It makes me wonder if these people even understand what fiction is for. I've had my share of toxic relationships, and I'd rather not get into another one. So it's a good thing that I can explore these dynamics safely without putting myself in danger.

And before you bring up the danger of romanticising abuse, I get it. There's plenty of media out there that depicts abuse and toxicity as somehow desirable qualities, and I understand that media can reflect and influence the audience's worldview. This is where you pause for a second, put on your media literacy goggles, and try to see what's actually being said. Depiction does not equal endorsement. Also, shippers are usually just existing in their own spaces and not affecting the wider public in any way.

Secondly, I see a lot of variations of "these characters are not in love because they are not good to each other". Hello? Are we seriously going to claim that romantic feelings only exist in their most pure, uncomplicated, healthy form? Interestingly enough, these sentiments are usually applied to queer ships. When Honkai: Star Rail dropped an animated short containing a prolonged and incredibly sapphic dance scene that ended in Black Swan being mentally (though unintentionally?) violated by Acheron, I saw so many comments along the lines of "I thought it was pretty gay until the mental flaying happened". I mean, it's still pretty gay. Just because you don't think it's healthy, doesn't mean it stops being queer. Are we just that afraid of showing problematic queer representation? We are people, and our relationships will be messy, and I think it's okay to show that. Though once again, I'm aware that for a long time it was all that could be shown, and that wasn't great either. I just feel like the pendulum has swung a bit too much towards the other end.

I've also seen a lot of comments to the effect of "he said he hated him so your ship is invalid". I will excuse these comments if you're on the autism spectrum and have difficulty reading past the literal meaning of words, otherwise, let's dig up those media literacy goggles again. In the next paragraph I'm going to vehemently defend my beloved akeshu, so massive spoilers for Persona 5 Royal.

In his confidant rank 8, Akechi says to the protagonist, in no uncertain terms: "I hate you." And the next time you see him alone, he shoots you in the head (it's complicated, okay?). So you could take this and run with it and go bash akeshu shippers over the head with it. Or you could try to analyse his actions and motivations over the course of the entire game and come to the conclusion that his hatred is a shorthand for a bundle of complicated emotions. Morgana even picks up on it after you fight him later in the game: "You don't really hate Joker, do you?" What Akechi actually feels is admiration and jealousy, since he feels that the protagonist has been handed everything he himself had to work so hard for. It's companionship for his first ever friend and respect for a worthy rival who will rise up to all of his challenges. It's regret that he couldn't have met Joker earlier in life when his master plan wasn't already in motion and his only driving force in life. All of this bundles up in something the emotionally stunted teenager can't and probably doesn't want to unpack, and he settles on what's both very simple and familiar to him: hatred. Which he probably latches onto so that he's capable of putting a bullet in the head of the only friend he's ever had. I could (and honestly, probably will) rant about Akechi on other occasions, but I'll leave it here for now. The point is: If the best you can muster for invalidating a ship is this, I honestly don't feel like I have to listen to your opinion.

Just to be clear, I don't think you need to go find the justifications for your ships in the actual text. In this rant I've mostly brought up ships that stem from how the characters interact in canon. (Though oddly enough, queer ships tend to be subjected to this kind of scrutiny way more than straight ones.) But sometimes it's fun to explore the most unlikely relationship dynamics by shipping characters who barely even interact. They're not what I find personally interesting, but go off. You will never find me gatekeeping ships. Even if it's Hisoka/Gon, in which case you're free to do your thing but I hope I'll never see it.

TLDR; I'm sick of people attacking each other over problematic ships. The characters aren't real, you can't hurt their feelings. But I am, as hard as that may be to grasp sometimes.

[roomwithanopenfire]

Stats Sunday

Happy Not-January! Thanks for the tag @blackberrysummerblog

I posted two fics recently! They're Stranger Things fics so not really of interest to most of you, but I had fun writing them so I'm happy they're out in the world.

I stilll don't have any words to share. I'm either too early or too late in in all my projects for sharing, but because we've finished a whole month, and becuase I've been doing such a good job tracking all my writing words in January, I have stats to share with you!

Stats and a couple graphs under the cut

Total words written for January: 13,945

Days I met my writing goal (200 words): 23

Days I didn't write or edit anything: 4

Day I wrote the most: Jan 21th with 1717 words. (This was the day that none of the internet was working on campus so i opened a word doc and finally wrote a draft of the last chapter of The Way We Are. I still have a lot of work to do on this draft, but it's getting closer!)

Number of Fics worked on: 6, plus one scrapped project

Daily Average: 440 words (but it varies wildly by the day, see graph below)

(some of the things that look like 0 words are actually 1 word, which is my placeholder if all i did was edit and didn't gain any words)

And here's a pie chart to show my WC distribution across projects

While my stranger things winter exchange fic (magnetic magical everything) takes up the most space on this graph, if you were to look at a pie chart of my mind this is what it would look like:

(ignore the very specifc percentages, google sheets hates me. this fic is so hard to write and the words are not coming easy but they are fucking coming and you guys aren't ready for when i finally finish this stupid (/pos) fic)

That's all I have to share today, thank you for listening to me and my graphs. I am very motivated by my data collection, so this is very inspiring to me. I'm sorry about the banner. I hope I'll have actual words to share next week!

Tags and Hellos:

@alexalexinii @aristocratic-otter @argumentativeantitheticalg @artsyunderstudy @arthurkko

@beastmonstertitan @best--dress @bookishbroadwayandblind @bookish-bogwitch @the-beard-of-edward-teach

@brilla-brilla-estrellita @cccloudsss @ciescen @confused-bi-queer @cutestkilla

@drowninginships @facewithoutheart @emeryhall @fiend-for-culture @hertragedyconnoisseur

@horsesarenotdeer @hushed-chorus @iamamythologicalcreature @ileadacharmedlife @larkral

@lovelettersto-mars @meanjeansjeans @m1ndwinder @monbons @nausikaaa

@noblecorgi @prettygoododds @raenestee @rimeswithpurple @run-for-chamo-miles

@rbkzz @shrekgogurt @skee3000 @supercutedinosaurs @sweetronancer

@talentpiper11 @terra-fae @thewholelemon @valeffelees @you-remind-me-of-the-babe + anyone else who wants too!

I've thrown a couple new people onto my tags list, feel free to share something you're working on if you want! (It does not have to be graphs lolll) (Also if you're on the tag list and don't want to be, just let me know adfsklj)

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Bengiyo's Queer Cinema Syllabus

For those of you who don’t know, I decided to run the gauntlet of @bengiyo’s queer cinema syllabus, which is comprised of 9 units. I have completed four of the units (here is my queer cinema syllabus round up post with all the films I’ve watched and written about so far). It is time for me to make my way through Unit 5- Lesbians, which includes the following films: The Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls in Love (1995), Bound (1996), Water Lilies (2007)[finally got my hands on this one but I still need to watch it], Saving Face (2004), D.E.B.S. (2004), Set It Off (1996), The Handmaiden (2016), Carol (2015), Imagine Me and You (2005), Two of Us (2019), Rafiki (2018), and The Color Purple (1985). 

Today I will be watching

Carol (2015) dir. Todd Haynes

Summary: Aspiring photographer Therese spots the beautiful, elegant Carol perusing the doll displays in a 1950s Manhattan department store. The two women develop a fast bond that becomes a love with complicated consequences.

Cast -Cate Blanchett as Carol Aird -Rooney Mara as Therese Belivet

__

Dear readers, 

I cannot for the life of me tell you what it was about this movie that made it so difficult for me to start it but alas I have finally gotten here, finally watched it, and finally typed up my thoughts. Hilariously, this viewing was perfectly timed for the holidays because it is mainly set at Christmas and even if it wasn’t the extremely strong red/green color scheme of Carol and between Carol and Therese would have gotten me there anyway. 

Sorry to those of you who may have absolutely loved this movie, but I found it…okay? I definitely didn’t hate it or anything but it’s definitely not going on my list of favorites. I did enjoy how much of the film relied on stolen glances between Carol and Therese to be like “lesbian?” “lesbian?!” because that kind of subtle quiet signalling in the shoulder touches and the intense eye contact is what you are often forced to do for the sake of safety.

The other thing I did find to be really interesting and important to the narrative is the way in which Carol’s soon-to-be ex-husband is holding Rindy over Carol’s head to try to get what he wants. I think Carol is in a really precarious situation here because while Therese is lower class, and lacks a general amount of power, Carol has a chance of losing any and all access to her daughter because she refuses to be controlled by Harge’s desires. 

And I appreciate the representation of the mental and physical toll that trying to go back in the closet and some version of conversion therapy takes on a person who is trying to pretend to be something they are not for the sake of maintaining a relationship with the people in their life that they care about. Generally speaking, I do not think it is unfair of Carol to leave Therese in order to maintain a relationship with Rindy. 

What is not fair, is leaving Therese in the middle of the night and having Abby take care of Therese after that. Especially after Therese has been illegally recorded having sex with Carol. Like I can see trying to put space between yourself and the person who you have indirectly harmed. But while I do believe that Carol has every right to break it off with Therese in an effort to maintain her parental custody of Rindy, and that Therese can be allowed to forgive Carol for that and re-establish a relationship with her later. I was honestly kind of mad at Therese for agreeing to try again with Carol after the way Carol left her. Because to me, that wasn’t fair to Therese for what she has lost pursuing her own feelings. Carol left her in the middle of the night, she went no contact, she maintained that boundary when Therese tried to check in on her, but the second that she has figured out a way out of her situation. When he’s allowed Harge to take custody of Rindy but with visitation rights, she thinks she can just go running back to the person she left hanging with the knowledge that she is a part of a fucking illegally recorded porn video that is just fucking floating around somewhere probably. 

I was really excited when at first Therese rebuked Carol’s proposal to start back over, and was disappointed when she walked that back soon after. Though, was I surprised? No. Getting back to what I mentioned earlier about the color-coding. Carol’s whole life was green. When Therese first goes to her home, Carol is wearing green, she has a “green present” for Rindy (the Christmas tree), the phone she uses is green, if I remember correctly, even her car is green. So when Therese returns home and paints her entire fucking apartment green what else was going to happen? Therese made her choice. And we reaffirm the ending when the other lesbian woman tries to approach her at the house party to no avail. 

Favorite Moment

Honestly, I think my favorite moment was Carol still affirming to Therese that she is interested in her and wants to be physically intimate, share a bed, etc even after the illegal porn recording. And I think I feel the same about Therese, still choosing to be intimate with Carol after the video. In some ways it feels like they are liberating themselves, and I like that they don’t run scared from intimacy or their lust/desire because someone is trying to hold it over their head.

Favorite Quote

“I love her”  “I can’t help you with that.” 

GET FUCKED HARGE. 

I do truly appreciate that Abby does not give a single fuck for Harge’s feelings. Because he is being kind of a massive dick. 

Score 

8/10

There was a lot a liked about this film. It had a strong visual message and knew what it was trying to say. I liked that the lesbians were still pretty unapologetic and that it did feel real, and I like that Therese didn’t run from her feelings for Carol and that Carol stood up for herself and her sexuality in the hearing. I do not want people to think that I am docking the film for simply struggling to hit play. There is a lot to like about this film. Also, Cate Blanchett being a lesbian is always a plus.

[antiendovents]

"Anti endos will fakeclaim you and harass you for every tiny thing."

"A better future for systems and not just the 'correct' ones"

Uh huh. The anti endos I see harassing are...pretty few. And at this point, I have em blocked. Sorry for the harassment they face. And I don't agree with fakeclaiming regardless.

I've seen far more endos be aggressive and harass and invade spaces. Real oppressed groups don't even invade spaces as much as endos love to invade anti endos spaces (since they claim to be oppressed and we are bigots.)

Most anti endos at this point just want their own spaces SEPARATE from endos. Many don't even agree with invading tags and advise against it as well as harassment and fakeclaiming. I ain't gonna say they're not facing that. Cause I know some anti endos do. But I hate how we can't judge them for the worst of their community, but they can assume all of us are like the worst of our community.

This is why we just...block the shit people we don't like. And we have seen endos harass far more where literally having "endos dni" seems to make them WANT to interact and harass you.

I'm a weird queer genderfuck narcissist that doesn't even bother with actual people that call me abusive and a disgrace to the queer community this much. 💀

As I said, most anti endos just want their own did space AWAY from endos because they believe the experiences are different. And the most aggressive non harassment I've seen from anti endos is when they are repeatedly bothered and told shit things that their patience runs thin or they have anger holders or other shit.

For people that claim not being a correct system, you sure do treat systems that are more aggressive, unpleasant, and unpalatable like shit. You sure do create an image in your head of what anti endos are like based on the worst ones and run with it. Even I can understand endos aren't all just people like Sophie and shit or automatically radqueer and shit. But endos can't seem to do the same when it comes to the fakeclaimers and those that throw delusional around most of the time.

At this point, blocking has become our best friend. And it feels like endos would rather harass than block.

Advice from people actually affected by bigotry and shit: they always advise don't interact and to block and report. Many anti endos are just trauma survivors that want their own fucking space. And many endos aren't like sophie and are people going thru their own shit. Harassment fucking sucks on both ends. From an anti endo that hates being lumped in with harassers and fakeclaimers, fuck off. No wonder many anti endos lose patience and anger holders come out. Cause I give the benefit of the doubt esp since I'm autistic and dumb and can be rather naive and easily manipulated and shit. I don't like to assume the worst. But like. Fucking hell. Even if they're not Sophie levels of shit, some endos are just insufferable. And from someone dumb that doesn't have the best reading comprehension and can be very slow:

You do not have to have a say on every little tiny fucking thing. If you don't wanna interact with anti endos and it's triggering, then dont. If you don't wanna interact with endos and it's triggering, then dont. If someone makes the choice to focus on discussing syscourse that's their choice. Harassment will never be okay. And people can participate in syscourse if they want. Esp since there IS misinfo.

But srsly. Anti endos aren't the worst of their community. Many are traumatized systems that just want their own fucking space. Many don't even care about endos aside from having dni. But endos always fucking interact. They see the dni as a fucking invitation. The endo community has a real fucking problem with understanding how to handle bigots (since they see us like that, that's the only reason I make the comparison. Anti endos are not bigots as a reminder for systems that struggle with guilt.) and how to respect dni.

It does not matter if you agree with the dni. It does not matter if the dni is bullshit to you. It means DO. NOT. INTERACT. You will not change their mind. And some dnis can be personal.

You want to avoid anti endo spaces? Good. That's perfectly fucking fine. You don't want endos interacting? Perfectly fucking fine too.

I've seen plenty of dni things before that are actually bs or bigoted. I simply do not fucking interact. It ain't my place as a stranger to change their mind.

And most anti endos just put it there cause they don't want it. If endos are seeing so much of anti endos, then block the tags or block the accounts people. Blocking is free. You can block even if the vibes are off on someone. It doesn't even have to be for moral or personal reasons. It can be you just find them annoying. I've done so with more aggressive and fakeclaiming anti endos and I've done so with awful endos that invade spaces and are truly awful.

I just can't with endos having a victim complex. No you don't deserve harassment or to be fakeclaimed. But turning every anti endo into worst case scenario yet being upset if anti endos dare misrepresent endos or pro endos is so hypocritical.

(I talk as if to endos, but that's largely just the way I speak. I'm semiverbal with disorganized speech, autistic and schizo so yuh.)

I hope this was fucking coherent. I kept getting distracted and noise bothering me which makes it even harder for me to be fucking coherent.

yeah, i get your point. really people in general need to learn to respect boundaries and to block people or things they don't like, but endos especially need to learn this. they always act like victims when 9/10 times they're the aggressor. i hardly ever see anti endos go out of their way to harass endos, more commonly its endos harassing anti endos or endos making anti endo bait accounts to make us look bad

[nerdygaymormon]

I just found this blog and I'm so happy it exists. I was raised in the church and with the area I live in, LGBT+ people are "accepted" readily but at the same time... No one talks about it in relation to Members being Queer. It's like everyone ignores the fact that there is at least 1 queer member in the area because "Oh they aren't part of the church" or something. It's confusing and difficult to be out as anything other than CisHetAllo. I have found that as much as I try, and I feel better knowing about myself, I have found it increasingly difficult to talk about the same things in Online spaces compared to Church spaces. Something always seems to conflict, whether it is members not being particularly supportive of LGBT+ or those online judging Anyone who is a member. (I have had some people I consider[ed] friends make some... Negative... Remarks regarding the church and its members.)

I'm glad to see a space like this existing, where I know that I can be both Queer, and a Member of the church, without being "othered"

Thank you so much. <3

I'm sorry you're having a bit of a rough time of it, but you're right, unless someone is saying to everyone "Hey, I'm here and I'm queer," most Latter-day Saints assume there's absolutely no one at church who is LGBT+.

The LDS Church does have a reputation for being homophobic, so if I say I'm Mormon, other queer people will nod their head and say something about how they know that had to be so hard growing up. Also, the LDS church isn't exactly respected by other Christian denominations, they like to speak of it like it's the punchline of a joke.

A lot of people are becoming aware of the research that shows social media negatively affects young people's mental health and well being. It interferes with their sleeping habits and they spend less time in person with friends and developing their real-world social skills. Social media for youth is associated with problems like depression, cyberbullying, eating disorders. Calls are being made to place limits on the amount of time youth can spend online.

However, research shows there's one group of youth for whom social media has a beneficial impact, and that's LGBTQ youth. TikTok, Tumblr, Discord, YouTube, and so on, are a lifeline. They go from feeling completely alone and no one understanding what they're going through to suddenly discovering there's thousands of people who feel the same way, which is eye-opening and comforting. Not that it's universally good, we still run into hateful speech.

Social media allows LGBT people to explore their identities and find acceptance and emotional support. Some research shows there's a decrease in depression and suicidal thoughts for LGBT youth who are online. It gives them hope and a sense of control. Even when they do encounter harmful things online, they can turn it off, which they can't do with a school bully or family members saying offensive things.

I think for queer Mormons, the experience is even more so like that when you find other LGBT LDS people online. They get you in a way no one else truly does. It is like finding a second home with friends & family. It helps build our resilience. Representation matters. Reading words that are how I feel, that gives us hope and courage.

I'm glad you found my blog. I suggest doing a search for #queerstake, you'll find more posts from other queer Mormons and former Mormons. We even have a discord server we call queerward which is a lively place. I know for me it gives me a sense of belonging. If this was a ward or stake in real life, I would move so that I could be part of it, but it's online so I can access it wherever I am.

[jack-kellys]

hey hello hi. after reading a few asks i wanted to see what your opinion on the Sarah X Katherine ship. some people like and hate it- and it’s undoubtedly an 100% fandom invention due to them not even sharing the same media and it being implied they don’t even exist in each other’s universes (Davey’s Family is kept vague in the musical and pulitzer is much more based upon the real life one in the movie who didn’t have a daughter at the time) and idk.

it’s a long running fandom consistency i see of wlw parings getting sidelined or made of convince, and it’s hard to dispute them because in fandom spaces it’s hard enough to get a good wlw pair, and even it’s stretching it a whole lot here. especially with them both bing jack’s love intrests in cannon, feels like a “oh what do we do with them?” to make way for him usually being shipped with Davy or Cruchie.

i don’t think it’s an active type of ignorance by most fans at all but it’s not just newsies- it’s in a lot of spaces that ususally have queer relationships as a main fandom focus, and like in the Sprace post- lots of people have a point their mind for those queer relationships and them not being white mlm ususally with specific body and personality types it can be difficult to get real attention for it or justify it’s existence.

sorry for the rambling on, would love to hear someone elses’s stance.

I MEANT TO ANSWER THIS WEEKS AGO (or whenever this was sent)

send me asks dudes! what’s up!

you honestly are correct. it is so common in fandom spaces as a whole to consistently center mlm ships based around a piece of media’s text and then put the women elsewhere- often into a wlw relationship for diversity win points. and this is so true for katherine and sarah in favor of centering javid mainly.

but what i think is the most annoying part isn’t the fact that they’re put together—because honestly they’re a fun pair based on their personalities in newsies.. sarah can be both gentle and quite to the point while katherine is sharp and a bit messy—it is that they are sidelined. katherine, who is literally one of the main characters of newsies like more than davey in terms of plot, and sarah, who was the literal one woman in newsies 1992. they are both genuinely interesting characters that objectively mattered a lot in their respective versions of newsies (YES SARAH MATTERED… she spread the children’s crusade further through the city’s more general workforce and helped print it). they have very clear personalities and impacts. and they often just poof away in favor of “the boys” or whatever which is very. old fashioned.

i think sarah and kath can be a “forced” wlw pair and work because they as characters work well— also because the writing of newsies is honestly weak when pairing each of them with jack, like the context we as fans have of them with jack is… not very exciting compared to jack’s extensive and more arced relationship with davey within the context for example. but if you pair newsbians for the sole purpose of like. making them go away. then what the actual fuck. you know. because then that really is only seeing mlm ships as what fandom should center or “be about”. and that doesn’t mean more fics have to be About newsbians (though. i mean. yeah), but when they’re a couple in a fic it should be less of a throwaway like easter egg thing…. because those are two literal prominent characters in the World of newsies so it’d be weird to put them away.

yeah🤝

[genderqueerdykes]

Hi. Here's a lot of words that y'all don't have to read and I have a question that y'all don't have to answer. I think you all make a lot of great points. I'm sorry if this is on the blog already.

I think I might be what you call an egg. I just try not to think about it. I'm going through a lot of stuff right now that needs processing and I can get to the gender thing when I can get to the gender thing. That said, I'm trying to let myself exist in queer spaces and it feels like everyday women are bashing men without batting an eye. Actually, that's happening not just in queer spaces. Nobody says anything except to agree. Even people that I've known for a while and know that I'm married to a cis man whom I love and respect (and who actually got me interested in feminism). I told one friend that I was uncomfortable by her comments and she flipped it around, pouted exasperatedly, and said, "I thought you were a safe space!" I didn't know that there was a safe space for sexism!

What the fuck do I say to people? I'm autistic and have an extreme sense of justice and can't just let things go but I want to be at least somewhat respectful-sounding because when you yell at people they shut down and think you're wrong/the problem. I also don't want to talk their ears off/write paragraphs like this. 😬

🌀

jesus, i'm so sorry people are treating you like that. it really hurts my head to see people do this. you don't deserve that kind of behavior, you're not a shitty person for trying to figure out your gender. you're not shitty for being happily married to a cis man. i have so many words so i hope i won't give you a reply that's too long to parse

no matter what people's beliefs are, everyone is reinforcing that women need to hate men. like you're right it's just everywhere. not just queer communities. it's weird. it's like, i get it, the way we force men to act is absurd. we need to focus on helping men snap out of the shitty things we force them to do and support them in growing and changing. also like i don't get how people dont see how terrible it is to openly admit that they see trans men, queer men, gay men, bi men, disabled men, men of color, intersex men, multigender men, and so on. there are so many groups of men affected by this i dont get why people don't care

this "safe space" thing has gotten abused to hell and back. it's out of control, now it's being used as a gatekeeping tool. it's weird to me but people are defining things like this:

general lgbt/queer communities = women's safe space

lesbian community = women's safe space

nonbinary community = women's safe space

butch, gender non conforming, genderqueer community = women's safe space

genderfluid, bigender, multigender communities = women's safe space

bisexual, pansexual, polysexual, & polyamorous communities: women's safe space

like it's gotten way out of control. people think that every experience that doesn't outright say man is a women's safe space. and even then, we see entitlement there in the transmasculine and trans man communities as well. the thing is is like. these are intended to be communities. not safe spaces. like

women's groups exist. there are groups dedicated to providing safe spaces for just women, irl. a lot of the time they're based out of crisis and sexual assault survivor clinics, but there's also ones for homeless women, and so on. like i honestly guarantee you that if you googled "women's safe space" you'd find some local, brick and mortar places designed to be there for women and only women. like. those. exist.

we don't have to turn the entirety of queerness into a women's safe space. i feel like women who have been hurt by men are running to the wrong place a lot of the time. or they expect every other queer person to have the same trauma as them. like i think people in general are very queerphobic and assume that most queer people are women, for some reason?

i don't know why people view this as the "running away from men club". that's how terfs define the lesbian community. if you want to show people why this is dogshit, it's because that's literally how terfs define lesbianism. that's how rad fems define lesbianism. the "we hate men, we never want to be around men ever again, men are inherently dangerous" club is the lesbian separatism club.

people often say "why is there a lot of talk of lesbian supremacy lately?"

it's because so many people got indoctrinated into rad feminism without ever realizing it. queer communities are not the "we hate men" communities. those are rad fem communities.

so many queer spaces need to involve men, because men are very important in so many queer experiences. erasing their experiences and denying them the right to be in those spaces isn't helping anyone. if people want to be in all woman groups, they need to search specifically for that. if someone defines "lesbian" as "women's only safe space," they're looking for a women's space. honestly, maybe people just need to be nudged in the right direction. maybe not enough people know there are literal all woman safe spaces irl that help women with homelessness, sexual and domestic abuse, childcare, substance abuse, mental health, and many other resources.

sometimes there are behavioral health and crisis centers that accept just women. some psychiatric hospitals have spaces for just women. it really is possible to create, nurture and participate in womens only spaces. people are just trying to take over something they personally don't belong in, and it's insane that that's the norm right now. people are obsessed with going backwards in terms of progress in accepting diversity in queer lives.

anyway, i hate this shit, so i hope things improve for you soon, people are just. so proud of being mean right now. people are proud to be assholes and they take it out on disadvantaged men. isn't that sad? people are pissed off about patriarchy, the establishment ABOVE us, so they attack poor, mentally ill, disabled, neurodivergent, intersex, trans, queer men and men of color, as if that'll solve anything.

[variousqueerthings]

we're calling it allo-sexual-romance and (vs?) queerness on ted lasso

it's interesting how I've seen some people making this show talk about romantic relationships in a certain way that I do agree with, but then the show doesn't quite follow through on that

NOTE: I'm not hating on the show, I'm just interested in how these things function in mainstream narratives, even when there is a clearly stated desire to not fall into it, and I'm generally curious about how incorporating aromantic and asexual ideas into writing could improve explorations of concepts around Connection, Family, Love, Loyalty, etcetcetc.

Ted Lasso is still definitely a romantic-sexual show in which several narratives get teased as romantic-sexual deliberately (jamie/keeley/roy, or tedbecca, rip to all of you shippers) and personal growth is also measured - for better or for worse - through a romantic relationship (nate, bby im sorry) or where a romantic-sexual relationship just is (beard and jane), and one of the final scenes is beard and jane's wedding, with shots of football-players standing next to their dates, and an extra allo-sexual-romantic parting with rebecca randomly rediscovering the dutchman she had a connection with, which up until that point I was going to use as an example of non-romantic connection on the show (drat!). the romance is there, just not with some of the most popular ships

so we end up with some oddly dissonant ideas, where I think either romance just diiidn't need to happen or there's no backbone in running with romance that perhaps should be there (notably around queerness, for example trent crimm's narrative which many saw as intersecting with ted's -- it didn't have to, am not saying that, but it could have done if they wanted to challenge certain notions of romance in one way -- or the jamie/keeley/roy storyline. I also don't think I'm speaking controversially when I point out how romance exists in non-white stories vs white stories, but also generally the white characters have more arcs, so it's - apart from with nate, in which the romance is hmmm - more of a symptom of an overall "thing to poke at" than specific to romance)

I want to have storylines that have non-romantic and/or non-sexual dynamics, which is part of why the team narratives are my favourites of the show overall, but I'm chill with the fact that there is sex and romance in a show, I get it. but it's not correct for any creators or actors to say they're "challenging" notions about how deep connections have to end up being romantic, when actually the show is quite normative about it all

the jamie/keeley/roy threesome still just "existing" in a nebulous non-confirmed kind of way that is definitely there, rather than just running with it as it is, to the point that jamie and roy are suddenly fighting each other about who gets to be with keeley (and her rightfully throwing both of them out of her house, but also... why did that happen in the first place?) -- that's more normative than a poly-threesome, or even an understanding that the show isn't going to name their connection. creating a rivalry out of nowhere is textbook alloromantic writing

nate's arc in s3 gradually being less about west ham and more revolving around jade (who isn't really a character), means that the actual development is pushed into quite sparse moments. they're good moments, and I understand nate's character and I think he's great, but as an example the way that he hides from rupert in the final match. we don't see rupert fucking with nate to such an extent that I understood that reaction wholly, in fact we don't see much of nate at west ham period, which is a shame. he is propelled by jade at one point, and it just wasn't the most effective way of telling his story in my opinion. on some level even if he'd just had a cute flirting scene with a girl and she was his girlfriend at the end would have been fine, it would have shown he has built up some confidence, and could have left more space for other kinds of narrative (also I think a lot of us just think jade is a terribly thought-through character)

ultimately I think, like I said above, that there are some great non-romantic and/or non-sexual dynamics on this show, and I also think -- moving slightly into a different thing I want to write about -- that the show has its heart in the right place. I don't necessarily think it has the language/ability to actually challenge these things, it would have to be way more queer and radical in who was driving the vehicle. reading about hannah waddingham or phil dunster (both affectionately) point out that there's a problem with relationships constantly being framed through romance, is a bit like watching a kid understand something about unfairness in the world for the first time, and you're there taking a long drag out of a cigarette like, "yeah kid, it is fucked"

do applaud and encourage that exploration to continue for these writers/directors/actors, I hope that they think about that question and feel emboldened to poke at it much much more. I wonder if they actually know asexuality or aromanticism exists (not that I was expecting either on this show, but in terms of the philosophies these ways of living bring with them, if you really want to challenge allo-sexuality-and-romance). I've met queer people who don't so I have to be a little forgiving of (cis-straight?) people who are doing their best... it is potentially quite a new thought to them. I want more people to have that thought

I didn't mention colin's storyline in this, because I think it's a slightly different set of questions. I understand why his wants would be centred on kissing his boyfriend on the pitch, and he's also still an important part of the team who gets development that is evidenced by how he plays better on the pitch (ah, football matches as vehicle for character development my beloveds). so his storyline is not an issue vis a vis romance-and-sexuality in my opinion. in a way I do celebrate that he gets his Bid Damned Kiss moment, it would perhaps have been more disingenuous if he was the only character who didn't on a show like this. whether one wanted more build-up to it is another question (for my writing about the three-season arc), but I personally think it makes sense it happened

[pridepages]

Escapism: I Am Not Your Chosen One

I just finished I Am Not Your Chosen One by Evelyn Benvie. I have thoughts…

Here there be spoilers!

Feat. the @rainbowcrate edition of March 2023!

Growing up, there was nothing I wanted more than to stumble on the door to a magical world. I felt a fundamental feeling of disconnect between myself and other people--like I was a puzzle piece that couldn't make myself fit in the space where I was supposed to belong. I dreamed of finding a place where fitting felt effortless...as though someone could take my little puzzle piece, turn it a different way, move it across the picture and...click.

I knew I wasn't the only closeted queer kid who felt this way. But it's one thing to know...and a totally different thing to see.

Meet Kell Ho Sinh Porter, the reluctant hero of Evelyn Benvie's I Am Not Your Chosen One. He did everything he was supposed to do. But his degree didn't get him anywhere. He's stuck in minimum-wage hell. He has no way out of his dead-end town or away from the stifling confines of his childhood home...

Boy, I've been there.

What Kell wants more than anything else is to escape a world that feels like a cage--just to get somewhere else...because anywhere must be better than here.

Except it doesn't work that way.

With the help of a presumptuous, incompetent goddess, Kell finds himself yanked across the realms to the land of Allune. On the surface, Allune is the blissful paradise so many of us dream of where homophobia and transphobia simply don't exist. It is natural to respect preferred pronouns (to use gendered pronouns at all with elves is disrespectful). And instead of words like 'husband' or 'wife,' Kell's new friend Fre introduces readers to the term 'bidelight' (which is one I want to adopt for my own use). And yet: Kell still feels dissatisfied and out of place.

Why?

Here's the painful truth: there is no magical fix. There's no place that anyone can go and feel totally, truly at home. The only way to truly find belonging is to make yourself at home in your own skin.

The source of Kell's discomfort is that he's queer, but his queerness isn't one that's easy to understand or explain even in his own mind. As a biromantic person on the asexual spectrum, Kell has trouble understanding and articulating his experiences of attraction. "Everyone was his type until he got to know them. Then no one was. That was the trouble with being biromantic but not bisexual," Kell opines.

This struggle to make sense of what he doesn't grasp is frustrating and painful for everyone involved. "The confusion and hurt on Ansel's face was clear to see. Kell hated himself for putting it there, for not having the right words, for not being able to package himself up in a nice little bow and give to people he liked. For being too scared half the time to try."

So Kell's solution becomes to stop trying. To give up. To run away and hope that the next escape, the next quest, will have the easy answers.

Sorry, Kell, but it doesn't work that way. We can't escape the struggle, the endless work of communicating our needs and desires to others in hopes that we will be seen. "There are parts of me I cannot change for you. Only you can decide if you're okay with that...I don't want sex or intimacy for the most part. But this is perfect. I want to be close, but not too close? I want to be able to kiss you without having to worry about what comes next." Kell's self-defeating brain expects another rejection. But Ansel steps up. "If I was...okay with that. What would that make us?"

To which, the answer is: "Together."

We may not be able to make anyone understand us perfectly. But the right people will always be worth trying for. That's what Kell, who stubbornly refuses to return to his hometown, decides. "Miserable was being at home, too broken to leave and too scared to stay."

Kell finds what he's looking for not by running...but when he actively decides to stay and stand his ground. To do the hard work to be seen and understood. To see and understand. "Finally something was happening in his life that he had control over...he could mess this up. Mess it up big, bigger than he had messed up anything before. Or he could do something grand. And wasn't that a thought?"

Living as a queer person in a terrifying conservative hell, I understand Kell's impulse to run. If I could find a way out of here--if I could escape to a place where my existence wasn't questioned let alone threatened--I'd probably take it. But whenever I'm tempted to imagine that moving would automatically fix my loneliness and bring me love and companionship, I remember Kell's journey. Fleeing is nothing but an escapist fantasy.

It's not enough to run away.

You've got to run towards.

[happygofatal]

HAI thank you to @cutemotif mira for tagging me :3 i dont wanna bother too many ppl so !! @yuricel @bananahkim no pressure ofc :D

relationship status: single! uh well i cant really imagine being in a relationship rn. i just dont think i could find anyone i could befriend and become interested and i have weird queer teenager feelings abt my orientation AND i just dont think im ready for it luh mao :P

favorite color: PINK ^__^ im not insane abt it sorry but it is soooooo <3

song stuck in my head: I Bet on Losing Dogs Released in 2016 by Mitski from the album Puberty 2 :I COMBUST AND DIE HORRIBLY. oh yeah and also i was thinking abt once in a lifetime by talking heads earlier :D

last song i listened to: alice in the ruined country !! didnt finish it yet tho but yeah ive been trying to get into voca lately :]

3 favorite foods: sighs uhhh im so sorry im so boring i like fries and hashbrowns and chicken. and pizza. shrugs i could say more abt other stuff but eh whatevs and I Hate Weird Adhd Picky Eating </3

last thing i googled: ACTUALLY? IN THE MIDDLE OF MAKING THIS POST I GOOGLED SEVERAL THINGS TO CONFIRM STUFF LIKE THE ADHD PICKY EATING AND WHATEVER AJSGHSIQIS so aside from that i googled the term cinderellian to see if it was a real word i heard in a song? i dont think it is?

dream trip: oh ive thought abt this a few times previously and honestly? i still dont have an answer mmmhh well it would probably be so fucking boring and noob anime fan of me to say japan or korea KQOJSJAKQ so uh? idk ill have to think abt it some more ..

anything i want rn: if its a physical object, WELL I WOULD REALLY LIKE A NEW IPAD I THINK THIS FUCKING THING IM CURRENTLY USING HAS RUN ITS COURSE ^_^ BUT ALSO I NEEEEDD OH MY GOD I NEED TO FIND A WAY TO EXPORT ALL MY DATA FROM HERE TO THERE W/O EXPORTING MY PHOTOS BCUZ THEY HAVE just absolutely murdered all my goddamn space for no fucking reason. i love samsung products so much if procreate was on samsung tablets i would buy the shit out of one and fuck off from apple products forever until the end of time :[

[cerebrobullet]

Sharpe's Fury Very Belated Final Book Report:

honestly been putting this one off because i know the battle scenes are coming and i need to be in a Mood to survive them sometimes. also im busy vibrating violently over my gf visiting in a week and there's very little brain space for other things to exist.

pat smelling sharpe's bullshit from a mile away but having to just let him Be Stupid. rip pat i'm so sorry your boyfriend is an idiot. himbosexual problems.

sharpe thinking at pat that it's "not his fight" when he keeps butting in, like.... bud, buddy, whatever you do is pat's business and pat's fight.

god i forgot sharpe got shot in the head. that scene deserves an expansion. maybe sharpe being laid up in bed for a bit with just harper to look after him :3c. what if i wrote a fic series that just expands on all the injury scenes to give them the solid h/c treatment they deserve

harper glaring harris down from protesting following sharpe heheheh

vibrates excitedly over the men bantering while on their "walk on the beach". cornwell please gimmie 20 more chapters of just that, just them being little shits while following their officer around like a pack of happy dogs ready to chew the face off of anything that threatens him

oooh the voice the narrator used for when sharpe spots the colonel he's trying to kill was *chef kiss*. very fine acting, loved the... fury in it *eyebrow waggle*

aaaaaand that's the end of that one! did enjoy moon's change of heart at the end hah, and sir thomas being all "well he hates you sharpe so clearly he'd not lie for you!". love it when sharpe going feral makes other officers want to put him in a lil baggy and tote him around. god i love feral characters SO MUCH

also blessing be that the girl of the week had an american accent, forcing the narrator to make her sound like leroy and therefore not insufferable.

hmm overall would rate fury solidly upper c tier i think. loved most all the bits with sharpe running around the city with a head wound and a devious lil queer man. loved the vibe sharpe had with henry. it had some solid stand out bits! and was overall very acceptable. 👍

Next, we return to the 90's writing era with Battle.

[15ktherapy]

sorry to get discoursey but holy fucking shit people who think dreams a republican have got to have their actual heads up their actual asses or don’t even actually LOOK at him to see if it’s true.

FOR SOME BACKGROUND ^-^ I am from texas. yes yeah the red state from the south crazy huh ? I KNOW REPUBLICANS. I SEE TYEM AT MY FUCKING HOLIDAY DINNERS. MY DAD FLIPPED HIS FUCKING LID WHEN I SO MUCH AS DYED MY HAIR and he fairly regularly calls my trans sister “faggy” for being herself. my grandmother has tried to fucking whisper to me like she’s in on a conspiracy, telling me that the schools are being infiltrated by liberals or whatever and are “letting children read homosexual porn” THAT IS A DIRECT QUOTE. AS A FILTHY HOMOSEXUAL, I WISH I COULD FUCKING CONVEY TO YOU HER TONE IN THAT MOMENT. but alas this is text and I cannot. she also told me that I should tell her if my teachers are teaching me critical race theory or whatever because (also more background- spoiler alert im white. big surprise /s) because she can and will call up my school if its “making me feel bad about myself.” THIS WAS OVER ONE FUCKING DINNER AT A DENNYS.

an ACTUAL REPUBLICAN would never EVER so much as PUT UP with this fucking gay ass afab fandom. LET ALONE DONATE SO MUCH MONEY TO CHARITIES, LISTEN TO A SPACE RUN BY POCS DISCUSSING RACISM AND THEIR EXPERIENCES WITH IT, OR LET PEOPLE THINK HES…. *horrified gasp* GAY!

a republican wouldn’t so much as want to LOOK at a fucking fanbase like this one. if Dream was an actual republican he could SO VERY WELL find a audience more suited for that. because that audience exists, VERY MUCH SO. but instead of ever doing anything about that ACTUAL PROBLEM, people would SO MUCH RATHER just constantly shit on this guy who COULD HAVE been a prime fucking candidate for the alt right pipeline given his upbringing, BUT HES NOT. he broke free from that. if anything he’s doing things for fucking queer supporting LEFTISTS. little kids have looked at him and george, thought they’re gay and they think that’s the most normal thing in the world. I DIDNT EVEN FUCKING KNOW BEING GAY WAS A THING WHEN I WAS THAT YOUNG. I DID NOT KNOW BEING GAY WAS AN ESTABLISHED THING UNTIL MIDDLE SCHOOL.

no fucking republican would ever do anything Dream has done for the sake of a “persona.” republicans are a bunch of fucking idiots who think the world is out to get them and are so scared now that people are realizing that there’s more to life than their cishet white ways. they would never give money to the people they hate, they would never listen to the struggles THEY IMPOSE on the people they hate, they would never “pretend” to be the people they hate for YEARS. they wouldn’t fake a fucking sexuality crisis and a fucking coming out.

it’s like these fucking idiots don’t even know what a republican is, let alone have seen one.