#sorry new followers but i overshare here a lot

[trans-cuchulainn]

starting to experience the same thing i experienced post top surgery which is that i'm not particularly any more interested in sex, i just really want somebody to appreciate my body because if i'm enjoying something then maybe they would also enjoy it and that would be fun. then it was specifically my chest and now it's the soft fluffiness of my legs. unfortunately, such appreciation would require a level of intimacy that i don't think is on the cards at this point in my life, so i will remain frustrated in a very specific and difficult to explain way

[book-girl4evaaa]

╰┈➤ ❝STEP INTO MY CANDY STORE ❞ ˚ ☽˚ ｡⋆.

(Aka my 250 follower event!)

Gjdgdgkkddykh 250 people like me? This is wild! I love you all so much, you guys are awesome and you are like my best friends, thank you so so much <3

Here's my intro for the newbies

Anyways onto the event!

Hey new kid, greetings and salutations! Welcome to Westerberg High: the only high school on the planet that might literally have you dead before the second semester. The school where teen angst bs usually has a bodycount.

Yeah, this place is... A lot. Parties, hallway fights, lots of gossip and a little murder. I guess everyone here is a little damaged.

But, worry not, newbie, I've summoned my best friends and/or worst enemies (same difference!) to help you around this little thunderdome of a school.

Good luck! You'll probably need it...

Rules: 1 request per ask (although send as many asks as you want), and if an option has a "☽˚｡⋆." next to it, it's mutuals only! Also I'm quite slow at answering, sorry!

(Also the quotes are from memory so they might be a bit off lol)

╰┈➤ Veronica Sawyer

But I know, I know, I know / life can be beautiful / I pray, I pray, I pray / for a better way

Veronica knows a lot about this school, from whatever your angle

I'll give you some advice: you can give me a specific thing, or I'll just do something general stuff

╰┈➤ Heather Chandler ˚ ☽˚ ｡⋆.

I'd normally slap your face off / And everyone here could watch / But I'm feeling nice / Here's some advice / Listen up beeyotch

Heather Chandler has the whole school in the palm of her hand, and dresses like it

I'll pick you an outfit from Pinterest!

╰┈➤ Heather Duke

It's my turn / It's my prize / I spit lightning / Crack, boom!

Heather Duke is dangerously confident when given the chance

I'll give you a pep talk, either general or about something specific, and give you an inspirational quote

╰┈➤ Heather McNamara ˚ ☽˚ ｡⋆.

And I'm like, "damnit, I'm on the stupid bus again because all my rides to school are dead!"

Heather McNamara is a sweetheart, and can overshare

Ask me any question and I will answer

╰┈➤ Jason Dean ˚ ☽˚ ｡⋆.

We can start and finish wars / we're what killed the dinosaurs / we're the asteroid that's overdue

Jason Dean likes murder and poetry

I'll write you a poem (please give me a topic)

╰┈➤ Martha Dunnstock

What can I say? I'm a sucker for a happy ending

Martha loves stories, and has a huge heart

I'll give you an extract of one of my many wips :)

╰┈➤ Ram and Kurt ˚ ☽˚ ｡⋆.

"Did you actually just speak to me?" "My buddy Kurt just asked you a question." *Grunts of respect*

Kurt and Ram are inseparable

I'll assign you a book or character (please specify which you want)

Well pick wisely, new kid, if you want to make it through the year. But I hope things work out for you. If you need a hand anytime, call me; maybe we could grab a slushie.

Oh and by the way, me and the group are going for a movie night tonight, watching the princess bride. Stop by if you want...

And who knows? Maybe, this year, our school could finally be beautiful.

.⋆｡˚☾˚ We can be seventeen

We can learn how to chill

If no one loves me now

One day somebody will ˚ ☽˚ ｡⋆.

[shibaraki]

STATUS UPDATES:

➯ FICSFORGAZA [!]

I am currently dealing with a family emergency and my ma has been rushed into hospital so I’ll be offline until things calms down, and progress on wips will slow considerably. I’m really sorry guys

➯ GOING INTO 2024

2023 has been rough for me in all manner of ways but I will say it has been very fruitful with regards to my writing. I managed surpass my goal of 100k words, reaching an unfathomable 150k at present, and I’ve even managed to hit a big milestone when it comes to my following! I’m extremely grateful to all my readers, both those that have stuck with me and those who are new, and I wish I had adequate words to really express that. but going into 2024 I will likely be writing less frequently than I did this year. this is due to my own health, and a multitude of other problems that I can no longer keep on the back burner.

plenty of you have seen mentions of hospital visits and procedures on my blog, and while I’m not very comfortable oversharing about medical stuff I do want to be transparent about the fact that I will be posting fics less because of it. I’ve been in and out of semi hiatus for the better part of 4 months but I was always awful at sticking to it. next year I want to actually give myself grace, and take care of my body.

please do not fear!!! this resolution actually aligns perfectly with my writing goals for 2024. I want to focus on lengthening my word counts. I’d love to post fewer fics, but to have said fics be 25 to 50k respectively, rather than to post a lot of 1 to 15k fics. mostly I want to work on my own impatience when it comes to writing, and berate myself less for what I think I should be doing writing-wise. I will still be around on here, and I always want to talk with you guys (and read whenever the mood strikes!!), the biggest difference is I’ll have longer projects, and you’ll have to wait for them (though if I’m honest I will likely still post a shorter fic here and there lol).

I appreciate the patience a lot of you have already shown me this year, what with my random breaks and gaps between posting. you have all been so so kind and generous with your praise and I wouldn’t be here, writing and sharing, without that support. I love you all and wish you well going into the new year!!!!!

[thefirsthogokage]

The level at which Drew Barrymore is fucking up is INSANE

[Image ID: a pair of tweets from from Claire Willett (@clairwillett) from September 11th, 2023 that read:

I know Twitter is not a universal barometer but boy if I was Drew Barrymore’s PR folks I would be gravely concerned about the number of well-known actors on here basically saying “WE WILL NOT BE FORGETTING THIS”

they’ll be skipping your couch on the next press junket, ma’am

unclear if this is a bad-faith question or not but I’ll say that just within the last hour in my own twitter feed I have seen

Joshua Malina

Bradley Whitford

Evan Handler

Anson Mount

Lisa Ann Walter

Roxane Gay

/End ID]

The link in the tweet leads you to the tweet below.

[Image ID: Lisa Ann Walter QT'd (on September 11th, 2023) a tweet of hers from April 17th, 2023 that reads:

Hang out with me & my new sister @DrewBarrymore Tmw!

On @DrewBarrymoreTV

I love her.

And you can tell by my enthusiastic oversharing.

Featuring - the gross recipe me and my High School BFF slapped together.

The tweet includes three tweets with the two of them from Barrymore's show.

The QT reads:

Don’t know why this is going around again-but please note the date: Before both strikes.

I’m a unionist.

I’m proudly re-elected to #SagAftra National & LA Local board. I’m on the NegComm. I chair LA women’s committee and am on WAY too many others. I’m also WGA.

I Don’t X lines

/End ID]

Other tweets that she was talking about:

[Image ID: a tweet from Bradley Whitford on September 11th, 2023 that is a QT of Variety tweeting this article about Drew Barrymore owning the decision to come back and claiming she's not violating strike rules (yes she is because hers is a WGA contracted production). It reads:

Oh, you own it. For sure, @DrewBarrymore. And we’ll never forget it.

/End ID.]

I'm sorry, my anxiety is going up a bit with all of the messiness this post, so I'm not going to do the IDs anymore, and my phone is being mean. But here are others, starting with Evan Handler:

Anson Mount:

Before that he also retweeted Bradley Whitford's tweet, but I'm running out of room.

Roxane Gay:

And there was another one where she rt'd someone basically backhandedly slamming Drew Barrymore for being the host of this year's National Book Awards.

And then, saving the best for last, Joshua Malina has been going scorched earth on Barrymore and reminding people The View is also scabbing. Honestly love seeing it and highly recommend him as someone to follow. A lot of retweets of others as well as original tweets:

He's talking about a hat with the thing that let's custom text scroll. What the person he QT'd is referring to is his hat saying "Drew Barrymore is a Scab".

He actually started hounding her on Sunday, after it was announced very late in the day that she was coming back on Monday.

I love Josh Malina.

Fuck Drew Barrymore.

Also, fuck every celebrity who crosses the picket lines. (This includes Oprah (who also hasn't donated any or her billions to Maui and instead asked others to donate even though she also has a home there which she got through shady deals and wouldn't let anyone use it as a shelter in an emergency) and Brook Shield's who went today.)

(Also fuck other celebs who liked Drew's post about coming back including Lily Collins, Cara Delevingne, Jennifer Aniston, Kristen Bell, and Jennifer Garner and I'm honestly not surprised by the four of those, don't know enough about the first one.)

[kangals]

way back in 2014, probably a few weeks or months after you posted that picture of boone with the stick on his head, i checked your blog out and so dearly enjoyed all the dogposting that i followed. i think you were the first dogblr blog i actually followed at the time, but it's been ages and my memory is bad, so i'm not fully sure. it wasn't long before then--2012 i think?--that i had gotten a new dog of my own, a border collie. iirc he and boone were just about the same age.

in 2018 i lost that blog i'd followed you with, and a lot of connections with it. i didn't return until 2021, and when i did, i didn't refollow most of the old blogs; i don't think i even really went looking for them. it took me a while to get back into the swing of using tumblr.

last september, my border collie had a sharp health decline, and i had to say goodbye. it's not the first time i've had to put a pet down, but i think it was the hardest. i'm still not over it. even just typing this now, i feel raw.

then in march or so, i made a new fandom friend who knows you, and i enthusiastically recalled following you before and how much i enjoyed it. i didn't even know about stellina, and now there's kep too! but... i also didn't know you'd lost boone. i followed because i still really enjoy your blog, and i love your collies too. and butters!!! so glad she's still here!

idk what made me look tonight... maybe because i talked about my old border collie with someone today. i went looking for the posts immediately around when you lost boone, because i guess some part of me wanted to know what happened. i spent the better part of an hour (maybe longer?) reading posts from the weeks before the decline, and then the loss, and then the deluge of old boone pictures after, and i've been crying pretty much the whole time just reading your posts and tags about him.

and this is a long and windy way to get to saying thank you. i'm glad you shared your grief, though that seems like a weird thing to say. there's something cathartic about crying over someone else's dog when you still hurt about your own, and knowing you're not alone in that kind of sorrow. boone was such a beautiful boy. i'll never forget that silly post that made me check your blog out in the first place, or the years of posts i stuck around for after. i wish i'd remembered to follow sooner, but the archive is still there, and it's so fun looking through all those old posts about him and his quirks and antics. he was amazing.

sorry for the length of this, i just... really wanted you to know that he touched yet another life, i guess. and i've been so deeply enjoying your posts about stellina and kep. i know it'll be a year soon... i hope there's some peace in how things have gone since he passed, and i hope the anniversary isn't too hard on you. thank you for sharing him with us.

i've been on tumblr for 14 years and this is, genuinely, the nicest ask i think i've ever been sent.

thank you - sincerely. there's been a lot of times over the course of this blog that i've felt like i was oversharing, or talking about pointless things only i cared about. i still so frequently start typing out a post only to stop mid-sentence and delete it because i can't help but think "no one cares about this." possibly it's why i like to talk about my pets so much - they're not me, but i'm the one who knows them best, so i get to say "hey look at this" and ramble and have people say "i'm looking" back. when boone passed, i lost that filter and i poured my grief out into this blog because it was the closest outlet i had. and to have hundreds of people not only acknowledge this but to commiserate, to reassure, to share their own stories - that helped healed me more than i can put into words. it's exactly as you said: there's a catharsis in grieving together.

i am sorry you also had to say goodbye. i wish i could say it gets easier, but i think that would be defeating the point of grief. your grief is your love and damn it if there isn't any act more loving in the world than choosing to say goodbye to an old, loyal dog. you think of how dogs were domesticated tens of thousands of years ago, of how human society and dogs have developed intertwined, of how we have records of ancient greeks and romans carving loving epitaths on their dog's graves, of how a prehistoric dog's skull was found with a bone placed in it's mouth after death, and you wonder if grieving a dog isn't one of the most consistent experiences in the whole of human history that there is.

i'm glad to know that this could bring you some comfort, in some way. it's incredibly touching to know that you kept me and boone in your thoughts for all this time. i am doing ok - i've been reflecting a lot as we approach the one-year mark. i'm not sure if i'll be able to condense those thoughts down into coherent words, but i'll do my best. i hope that my silly little pets continue to bring you some happiness, and that you've found peace with your own grief.

thank you, again - this is extremely touching and means a hell of a lot to me.

[thompsborn]

Don't want to end up oversharing, but I've been following homeward bound from chapter 3 and so much has changed in my life for the better ever since then. I weirdly feel like I've been maturing alongside the fic. I'll be getting my bachelor's degree in two months and I started reading during my first year. You have no idea how special this piece of work is for me and I'm very thankful you've decided to share it with us. I absolutely trust your process cuz each chapter you release is just perfection, whenever you're ready to release more I'll be there to read it. Now getting on with the actual question (sorry for writing so much ijbol), what do you think Harley and Peter think their dream home would be? What style, is it an apartment or a house and all that stuff.

oh my god i ?? i am lowkey crying omg

homeward bound is so special to my heart, i could write pages upon pages about my emotional attachment to this fic, but that would take a whole lot of time and i wanna try and answer your question, but just !! like i know logically people really care about hb too, like i’ve read so many comments and gotten asks and i know it but getting new asks or comments still sends me reeling because it’s so mind boggling and i’m just like?? damn!! thank u sm i’m glad that my post nwm coping mechanism turned general life coping mechanism has been with you like this <3

also! congratulations on getting your bachelors!! hell yeah!!!

okay, okay, okay, so to answer your question, i think it varies on the era of their lives, so like

peter growing up probably always thought it would be nice to have a house one day because he knows his parents had a house that he could very vaguely remember living in, but he was pretty open to home being anything. harley, on the other hand, grew up in tennessee and probably always assumed he’d live in a house because he’s always lived in a house. it probably wouldn’t have been until after meeting tony and thinking about maybe going to new york one day that he even considered the idea of living in an apartment, but even then, he couldn’t imagine it being permanent

by the start of homeward bound things are different. harley is living in the city for the first time, living in a dorm and sharing close quarters with harry, and he’s mourning tony and his life before the snap, still struggling to a world that’s so different from the one he remembers, so for him the concept of a dream home feel irrelevant. like, he’s focusing more on just making it to his classes and his shifts at late night and the unexpected social life that he sort of develops with the friends he was not planning to make, so picturing his future doesn’t extend further than getting through his first year at ESU and signing up for classes, yk?

peter, at this point, has entirely lost his sense of home and assumes he’s never going to get it back (which is why he has not once referred to his apartment as home, outloud or in his head) so he has no dream home because he doesn’t think he’ll ever have a home

i’ll keep this as light in spoilers as possible, but i’ll tag it homeward bound spoilers and give a warning here that this is future hb stuff butit doesn’t actually give away the plot if that makes sense?

the series is called homeward bound for a reason, basically—it’s following the theme of home. the mcu trilogy is titled with home becoming inaccessible (homecoming, far from home, no way home) so i want this series to explore an idea of finding it again

as the series progresses, ideas of home and what it is and what it looks like are going to change and adapt, but in terms of your question specifically, harley and peter are going to wind up with the same idea of a dream home: a small cozy house, not in the suburbs but not in the heart of the city either, within a reasonable driving distance from their friends.

(bonus: harry loves the idea of a penthouse, but in reality would like a house like his moms, or a nice apartment if the location is worth it. gwen grew up in apartments and likes the idea of a house but wouldn’t care if she never moved into one.)

[leighlew3]

I thought a lot about what I was going to write to you. I wish I could say something to you. I know whatever I write is not gonna do much. But I hope it'll remind you, that you're greatly admired and also to take care of yourself. Grief isn't linear, and no two grief are ever the same. I too have lost someone close to me and I've seen a lot of your followers sharing their stories with you lately. I find it beautiful that your followers come here and share their own grief and sorrows in your time of grief. It's almost like sitting around a fire and holding space for all of the grief we collectively hold and holding each other. Even if it's never gonna be the same, we get better at holding that grief. I sincerely hope we all do. I'm here to say that I'm sorry for your loss and all that you're going through now. When you're sad, believe that I'm offering a hand for you to hold. Even if virtually, the feeling still stands. Take care of yourself and surround yourself with good people and of course your beautiful pets. Much love 💜

( I'm a very shy person and when I usually write something from my heart like this, I'd be on anon. But even if there aren't many personal details on my Tumblr page, I just wanted to send it without the anon for you. Just to put a face to your new internet friend. Even if it's 2 weird looking blobs with eyes 😶‍🌫️)

Thank you so much for these kind words. Honestly. 💜

I feel so blessed to have connected with people who have gone through similar loss, or even just offered such wonderful support during this time of crushing grief I'm in.

I appreciate you. All of you.

And I'm... trying my best to hang in there. To be honest (as I always am to a fault, hello overshare)... it's not been getting easier with the passage of time. It's been getting HARDER. And at times very dark. So, I'm giving therapy a shot and have my first session tomorrow.

I'm sure I'll practically be live tweeting/blogging my therapy results as well, lol. It's partly all been cathartic to me to share what I'm going through and also partly been me wanting to try to help others who may be going through similar things, because I've noticed there's elements of intense grief that a lot of people don't always talk about, so if I can paint a picture that prepares people -- maybe it'll help. I dunno. But anyway. My hope is that others don't have to feel THIS level of despair after their loss, but everyone is different. Every loss is unique, because every relationship is unique. So. Yeah.

Anyway, again, I truly thank you.

[hexonthepeach]

hello, i hope you’re doing well and taking care of yourself!!! i’ve been following you for a while after i found your writing on ao3 and I’ve been meaning to send you something for so long but I’ve been having a hard time figuring out what to say but finally have plucked up the courage!! you are hands down one of my absolute favorite writers!! i was having just a really hard time personally and found dark & stormy on ao3 one day and was immediately drawn to the Jaehyun and Johnny tag and what kept me was your absolutely beautiful writing, your amazing world building, and wonderful consideration of all your characters that had me rooting for everyone and were just so spot on!! it was wonderful and since I found you, every update every new story makes me so so happy and I don’t know how to thank you because your writing has really gotten me through some hard times!!

you know that feeling you get when you find a fic that you love so much and then you find that it’s a writer who writes long fics and it’s just everything you want and that’s how I feel when I found you!! thank you so so much for sharing your writing!! you’ve made me laugh and cry and kick my feet and i appreciate you so much and all the hard work and research you put in!! thank you again and im gonna start sharing more of my comments on your fics soon!! 💗💗

hello and so lovely to meet you--i'm so glad you found the courage to message me because i opened this up and immediately burst into tears at how special it is. to hear you found and appreciated my work and were willing to share that with me is the best gift i could ask for.

i am so sorry to hear you went through rough times. i am grateful my writing was able to give you some comfort. not to overshare but perhaps to be too painfully honest i started writing fic again in late 2021 as a silly little project after reading a lot of good works during quarantine and struggling with unemployment and isolation. then, a few months later i had the worst experience of my life. without going into detail, the grief and loss i went through, and still go through regularly, make me feel sometimes like i'm living on surface of the moon.

i didn't write again for a long time, and when i did it was for myself. i made the decision to share it half a year later as sort of an attempt to connect with other people who might enjoy the same weird hyperfixative space i'd lost myself in and hopefully give them a little joy. it feels weird to write out all this confessionally about longform erotica based in the stage personas of foreign idols but i think it's important to note that i wouldn't be here if i hadn't been at my lowest and needed an avenue to connect with the world of the living.

so all that to say: thank you, from the bottom of my heart. i look forward to reading (and responding to!) your comments. every single one is more meaningful to me than i can relay in words.

[horce-divorce]

Tbh unpopular as fuck opinion but I don't hate tumblr live and I might try it sometime, like to stream from camp if we have service or smth.

Listen. Do I hate and loathe the tiktok-ification of the entire internet? yes. but do i use tiktok or twitch? Fuck the no, I'm not downloading MORE apps to watch your calligraphy stream. Sorry. I do think that's fascinating but here's the thing. If my mutual was doing some nerd shit like that was on tumblr live I'd watch it. But I would not click out to twitch or any other Additional Application to do the same thing. I won't do that on most apps. I won't even stream on Instagram because I, again, hate the tiktok-ification of every app, but also bc instagram has intentionally made it SO competitive to be on their platform that you have no choice if you wan a keep your followers. Most people will avoid Doing A Thing if there are too many additional apps/windows/steps to go through, its not just me.

However I LOVE oversharing with my tumblr followers. And I love livestreams of just like. Vibes. Saxsquatch style. That's the kind of shit I want on my blog anyway, and that's the kind of streaming I would do, why would I go to a different app for that? And in terms of the commodification of our online personalities, at least tumblr isn't trying to rewrite the entire functionality of the fucking website to center around Live the way that Instagram did. That automatically makes me more inclined to use tumblr live than any established Facebook products.

I realize most everyone probably already has twitch and tiktok and all the others and you're used to using those platforms instead. If you already stream on twitch it doesn't make a ton of sense to come to tumblr, ill give you that.

But for people who are new to streaming, or who wanna stream unconventional stuff, or stuff that's related to your blog... I really don't see the issue?? Tumblr has been a multi media blogging platform since day 1, adding streams to the other post types makes logical sense? I'll also admit tumblr staff makes a lot of changes that don't always make sense and I'm not always on board, but this one seems so benign and actually potentially cool and useful, and yet everyone unanimously agrees that we hate it.

Sorry yall I don't get this one? i still simply do not see the issue with tumblr live? I see a bunch of mice angry that their maze cheese got moved bc of the menu rearrangement. Sometimes they do move the cheese. It pisses me off too! I get it! It's still good cheese tho...

[everythingismadeofchaos]

Real quick though, has anyone else started taking THC for the first time for anxiety and experienced the following effects?

1. The sensation that you are a different person, along with the knowledge that it is only an illusion, which is reassuring to know

2. Drastically different brain function leading to powerful insights or deeper understanding of known concepts

3. Directing this increased insight inwards toward the self and discovering your own personality problems, which would be obvious to an objective onserver and you only needed like a second opinion or a friend or something to tell you about and explain

4. You then make clear decisions, even drastic ones, regarding your own life, and then make notes of these decisions that you yourself will later read, say by putting them in your calendar or something

5. Your life is legitimately improved simply by the advice of a separate person with a very clear insight and tremendous understanding of your psyche, which person happens to be you

I have made a new friend, and he is me

People this is happening to me right now, and I can tell you it is delightful. I get optimism in my everyday life from this. Like I understand the THC has a momentary euphoric effect, but separate from that and long after the chemicals have worn off, this mechanism results in improved quality of life.

I've always tried to be kind to other people, I've always tried to be a nice and decent person, consciously. Since I have started taking THC I have had whatever it takes to implement this in a proactive manner. I compliment people. I consciously try to make other people's lives better, whether they're having a rough time or not. I generally stay away from negative people, but lately rather than engage with them I just ignore them, and I think this is healthier for me and also better in the world.

Literally everything I have encountered so far using this drug has been positive. Literally everything about this experience has been overwhelmingly positive. I have been taking THC gummies for about a year now, maybe once or twice a week, and literally all results have been positive

I have composed this entire post just after the effects have kicked in, and I need to go now because I have to write myself some notes. Thank you all so much for reading my words. I have just started using the website in the last month or two and practically every interaction has been a delight. I particularly enjoy so much being subscribed to unfiltered individuals who have so much to say and lead unique and interesting lives with their own inner worlds and personal experiences. I am so very grateful to all of you, anyone who reads this, anyone following me who doesn't get to read it, anyone not following me, anyone keeping the site operating at all. It has been so beneficial to me. I'm a CIS male and every once in awhile I feel a ghost of the isolation here that I feel in my usual life, a vague sense of unbelonging, but it is positively beans to what happens in my regular everyday life not on the site. Every minute here is a respite. I cannot understand trans people or LGBT people at all, their motivations are utterly opaque to me, and yet the empathy I feel, and usually I have a lot of empathy (kind of a weirdly large amount for someone in my demographic), and since I started taking THC it has cranked up to 11, as is written in the scriptures. The feeling I get from just lurking on posts where my own opinion is irrelevant and listening to the discussion has been so marvelous and uplifting a kaleidoscope of emotions and energy and originality. I'm sorry, I'm aware I'm having this experience and I have to go because I might start oversharing. If tonight's my big night and I never see you again thank you all. It is likely I have some time left and hopefully I will get to spend more time on this site for at least several years, And even if I say something really stupid and get myself banned all I have to do is make another account and just not post, not talk to people so I don't fuck it up again, and I can listen to all I want. 10/10

[endlesstwanted]

WIP Game ask - first off, WOW - that's a LOT of WIPs :: high five::

Secondly - I'd love to hear a bit about any of the following, based on the titles & pairings!

With views to the Tower [Natasha/Sam for Ficwip 5k]

Treat For The Sweetest Boy [Bruce/Tony, D/s undertones]

The prize of the night [Bucky/Tony, non-powers first meetings fic]

The space between us is truly a waste [Bucky/Tony with Asgardian Bodyguard!Bucky]

What I Carry Engraved In My Soul [Bucky & thunderbolts with recovering Bucky]

Who are you gonna call [Bucky/Tony or Bucky & Tony] (Please tell me this is a Ghostbuster fusion!)

Hello PoliZ, thanks for the ask!!

These are a lot, the creativity juices won’t leave me alone are working 25 hours a day! As the oversharer I am, I’m going to talk a bit about each one of them 😉

With views to the Tower

I have had this in progress for a shameful amount of time, so I signed it up for the Ficwip 5k challenge to have it finished and posted this month. This takes place between The Winter Soldier and Age of Ultron, when Sam’s following clues to find Bucky and takes a break to visit Natasha, who has gotten a new place with literal views to the Avengers Tower. It’s Sam’s last night before he goes back to Europe, and none of them is sure about what to do with their feelings for the other until acting on them is the most natural thing they can do. So much fluff and getting together promised!

Treat For The Sweetest Boy

This was started some months ago for AgePlayMay, but I may change those dynamics. They keep a platonic relationship and Bruce's making sure Tony's taking care of himself (read: he has lots of food around in his workplace for when Tony forgets to eat).

The prize of the night

This happened when I wanted to make a WinterIron + Avengers version of one of my fav comedies, Game Night: this is my version of the scene where the main couple first meet. Bucky is playing with his friends at their regular trivial night, which they always win, until some new team arrives and he may find himself more captivated by Tony leading them than by ending in a tie that night.

The space between us is truly a waste

Bucky's a royal bodyguard, his best friend princess Loki's to be precise. When Odin arranges for his daughter a marriage with the Midgardian Anthony Stark, Bucky has to be his shadow during his visit to Asgard while Loki find a way to tell her dad to go fu—, well, you get it, because of course she's not going to marry her besties' new crush 😆

What I Carry Engraved In My Soul

I started this from a conversation on the WinterAgent server about John having a tiny waist and Bucky noticing and then it turned into a rabbit hole of “Bucky's past as a spy and his observing skills are his way of getting to know the Thunderbolts” as he's making peace with using those skills for something which won't make him end with blood on his hands. He's not talking to his team but he's getting to know them, so when Val tells him they're getting new suits, Bucky knows exactly what they'd like. I'm not sure if they'll be a ship reveal at the end but it's Bucky-centric!

Who are you gonna call

Sorry friend, it's not a fusion 😢 but I did take the name from a song 5 Seconds of Summer recorded for one the latest movies I think? (I don't know how Ghostbusters movies go). It'll be a sequel of my first A/B/O, story in which Tony gets unexpectedly pregnant despite his age. Bucky is his latest partner and he pays him a visit when he learns about the pregnancy, while Tony's still deciding on what to do about the whole thing. A bit of drama and angst with eventually comfort and fluff, of course —aaand maybe more drama for future parts? 🤔

You can ask me about my WIPs from here!

[christmasintheloonybin]

mmm idk,my problems seem to be more from the fact that i'm a anxious ugly girl. I've been following you for a while. I really like what you say because somehow I read and I feel a little less lonely. Today I was scrolling through your blog reading because I was so bored in class and I don't have real friends or shit like that (everyone ignores me every time I fucking open my mouth) Your post reminded me of my relationship with my parents I know it's not the same case but my mother doesn't seem to care much about what happens to me either and she doesn't even see me, i don't blame her she is really depressed. On the other side my father, is a misogynist who has always treated me like a piece of shit just for not meeting his standards of what he believes a woman should be, he believed that by having a daughter he would have a kind of model to show off to his friends or I don't know what the fuck he thinks, so I'm just his ugly daughter that he's ashamed of. He doesn't care about my well-being and has never really played the role of a father, he can't play any role as a father because he doesn't love me so he doesn't make an effort to interact with me or support me in something like school or shit that normal parents do.

And I think we have a similar musical taste lol (i love your username btw one of the reasons why your blog caught my attention) #oversharing

(sorry if there is a serious misspelling here i am not a native speaker)

you were very clear and well spoken, no need to apologize.

it is an odd phenomenon that I'm sure has existed but I think is particular to our times, parents who are completely self involved. I think a lot of it has to do with their parents being boomers and the environment they were raised in, "live for yourself" etc, from the Vietnam protests to today there has been no sense of community or some thing that is larger than the individual that a person has no choice but to submit to. of course this attitude has been around for centuries! but this has been the most distilled form, at least in previous generations there were remnants (you MUST go to church, you MUST go to war). a system built around choice is a system that will always lead to unhappiness.

anyways, my point is that the family disintegrates because individuals can only see themselves as individuals, not even archetypes. a woman cannot be a mother and a man cannot be a father because they see themselves as individuals making some stupid free decision and thinking that they can go about things in their own way and that they are doing something new and daring which only leads to psychologically damaged children. society needs significantly less freedom, freedom and individuality only lead to unhappiness because of course a person cannot solve the problems of the universe on his/her own. I would argue that parents as they should be in many ways do not exist anymore, it is more than anything a begrudging arrangement that they feel stifled by. like marriage, if divorce is a valid option then marriage no longer exists. but I am getting off topic.

my parents more than anything are both just unintelligent people in addition to the problems of their generation, and I think obviously this is also the case for many people. I am sorry to hear of your troubles but if it's any consolation my point is that this is not necessarily a strange or unheard of situation and is no way due to a personal failing on your part. I hope things improve for you. this has been much rambling and little empathy but I am happy to know that my obsessive fucking compulsion to TRY and explain every aspect of my life has had some positive effect on someone.

<3

[thelukaskaiser]

Keep Going

Lukas’ Blog - January 1, 2023 - 5:30PM

Blogging isn’t really a thing anymore, but that isn’t going to deter me from re-starting this one. Sorry about that. I know it’s been a minute since you’ve engaged with one, so I’ll forgive you if you’ve forgotten what to say or do. Let’s just sit here for a moment and relish in the fact that we’re still alive - and both old enough to remember “blogging.” 

I remember the first time I found a “blog” - it was in 1999 - and I found the Livejournal of a graphic designer I really liked who was living in New York City. And in 1999, I was living in Milwaukee, Wisconsin - on the East Side, near UWM. If you’ve seen the movie American Movie, the place where Mark edits his film was about a block from my house. 

And in 1999, I was a hyper creative high school senior, 17 years old and entering into his final year of school, hoping to be accepted (early acceptance) to NYU so he could pursue his dreams of becoming a filmmaker / comedian / media person (which, hey, I was able to achieve - so that’s damn cool). 

And I was into comic books and indie toys and cool stuff and there was this plush toy I bought through Giant Robot magazine - which was a wildly influential magazine on my sensibilities and likes at the time (and hell, probably still is) - and the plush toy came in the mail and the tag to the toy had a URL to the artist’s blog. 

Not “Vlog” but blog. Because you couldn’t really host videos at the time. I mean, it wasn’t that normal for people to have websites either. I had a couple sites - I had taught myself how to make stuff in HTML - but I had never seen a blog before. It was a LiveJournal - and I was absolutely stunned. Blown away. 

Because I just sat there for days on end and read about this artist’s life. Mundane things and important things, triumphs and tribulations - and I was absolutely enthralled. That I could just see how a normal person lived - and lived, in particular, in New York City. Because that was where I wanted to live. 

And I would write down on paper the places the artist would go to - the restaurants, the stores, the bars. And I would just dream - dream I was with him - and feel less alone. 

Blogging wasn’t ever something I kept up regularly, but as a consumer, man, did I absolutely love the Blog era. I mean, we talk about Twitter and independent journalists and all that - but in the mid 2000s, I worked for and ran several blogs. And we were making REAL money - off of advertising and merch and other stuff - and it was a grind, but it was an honest one. And we had our own audiences and fans - and some of those people who became fans of mine from that era still follow my work to this day. It’s a trip. 

So, I’ve decided to blog again. In short bursts and longer bursts too. I don’t really care how many people read the “blog” per se - though it is important for me to publish these entries. I think that in addition to my various daily / weekly journals I keep for myself - my morning pages, which are like a brain dump right when I wake up, along with my “Simple Diary” - which is a regularly updated, quite personal record of my life for the last couple years or so, I want to begin to craft a public persona - one that I’m okay with sharing with complete strangers. 

I had a call with someone about a potential project - something I don’t want to share yet. And on the call, we began to talk about my experience in media and the entertainment industry and it was clear that I really don’t write down or share with anyone my experience. 

Now - that’s sort of normal to me? I feel like most people don’t document their lives - or at least they used to not? I suppose social media has turned us all into oversharers, certainly. But like, if you go to Facebook and look at some of the connections you have from your hometown - there are a lot of people who haven’t posted on their social media pages in years. Because this constant deluge of personal information isn’t normal. 

And, look, am I normal? No. I’ve always had a skewed perspective on life. I have pushed myself to self promote at many times throughout my life. It’s just that the last couple of jobs I had - my current gig at Westbrook and my previous gig at Viacom - were both sort of “insider” roles that worked best when no one knew the roles existed. The Viacom one was in part because there was a ton of writing we were doing - a lot of it comedy writing - but we weren’t part of the WGA, even though our shows were all signed to the union. 

We were just nameless / faceless “Creatives” - sort of ad agency model. 

And at Westbrook, working with public figures to craft their digital brands and personas is a very behind the scenes role. If you’re doing your job right, the public figure you work for seems to be generating this content and this digital brand from thin air, seemingly effortlessly so. 

Which - at times, is true (okay that’s never true). But at times it’s like, well if I tooted my own horn here, it would actually hurt my whole business model. 

Now - we have evolved what we do at Westbrook Media a considerable amount - yes we still help some public figures with their social media, but we mostly get paid to MAKE CONTENT. And I think just about anyone would know that making content takes a lot of effort - both hard effort - like writing and planning and editing and shooting and all that - as well as soft effort - like strategic thinking and positioning and making sure your clients are making the RIGHT content and not just making what they think is going to be hot. 

And I’ve realized that in both the hard and soft labors at my current gig - managing an incredible team of creatives who are truly some of the smartest and most innovative thinkers I’ve ever been able to work with - it doesn’t help anyone for me, as the boss, to set the example of being the humble behind the scenes guy. Because then everyone feels the pressure to have that dance - should I take credit? Should I not? 

It’s tough! But rather than “take credit” I think I want to try to begin to focus my energies on exploring the things I’m struggling with - the things I’m excited about - and using my work, and my experience, and my day to day life (with a lot of discretion) as the medium to explore these topics, knowing that my life may be a good example for other people. 

So - this is to say I’m excited to be back in the business of writing and publishing written content in this space. I will likely attempt to turn these posts into audio / video things as well at some point, though my space is not clean enough or well laid out at the moment, and the anxiety of showing off my messiness would be too great to bear and I’d explode into a million pieces or something. 

Regardless, I am in my space - and I am lucky to have a space to create things in. Both in my professional as well as my personal / creative life. And I do not take that for granted. 

I remember quite clearly the five years when I was living in my mom’s attic, working from home, constantly grinding to try to freelance and publish content and become a writer - and how painful it all felt - and how isolating it all was. 

Look - people definitely can go longer than five years to try to crack through - and I had some positive experience mixed in with those painful ones - but from when I graduated college, in 2004, until I landed as a junior writer/producer at Spike TV in 2009, I can say without a doubt I skated quite close to the edge of fully giving up on my dreams. And every time I tried to pursue something BIG or CREATIVE or IMPORTANT - like the screenplay I wrote with my former boss, or my stage play, or the podcasts I tried to launch at the time, or the sketches or digital content I was trying to submit, or the numerous late night TV packets I was writing and submitting every single day - it would always blow up in my face. 

Now, looking back, it was amazing that none of that stuff worked out - because I was clearing out my mind of all the horrible, bad ideas I carried around with me while getting the experience of DOING THE WORK… 

I was learning how to write screenplays and how to direct videos and edit and all that - skills I still use to this day, in a much more professional setting - but learning how to do those things in practical ways that school could never teach you. And thankfully, none of my output was good, so the cringe-y and stupid ideas I was churning out will hopefully never be seen by anyone. 

I can look back at my isolation and loneliness and anger at that time with fondness - knowing that I was growing so quickly, even though it didn’t feel like it. 

And maybe you’re at home, feeling like you’re hitting your head against a wall over and over again - maybe you’re publishing content that no one seems to care about, or you’re applying to job after job and no one cares. It SUCKS. I know what that feels like. 

But if you can somehow orient your mind around gaining those SOFT SKILLS in the process - and understanding that a few years of obscurity will allow you to be BETTER - well maybe it won’t be so painful all the time. 

The surprises in store for us in 2023 are going to be painful - it’s going to be extra hard for people to get things SEEN and to get things MADE. Our normal modes of selling content, our normal ways of distributing things to audiences - it’s all going to feel so lost and so pointless. So we damn well better focus on the GROWTH and not the SUCCESS. Because otherwise, I’m telling you, every day is gonna feel more painful than the last. 

And the goal of making stuff is to feel less painful - less judged, less alone. So if the stuff you’re making is just making you feel more lonely, more rejected, it’s gonna push you to give up your dreams. And that would be a damn tragedy. Because you never know who’s moved by your stuff - you never know who needs an encouraging word. You never know who’s at their wit’s end and feels utterly isolated and alone. 

Yknow, how I felt less alone as a teenager in Milwaukee, reading those entries back in 1999. In some ways, all the therapy and personal work I’ve done to transform myself over the last 2 or so years has done something remarkable - it’s made me actually REMEMBER more. And it’s given me a helluva lot of empathy for myself in those vulnerable and quieter moments. 

I kept a diary after I fell in love with blogging, with the hope of turning it into a blog one day. It was the year 2000 and I was a Freshman at NYU at that point. I lived on 10th street and Broadway in a dorm called Brittany Hall. Which at the time was the only dorm with no air conditioning.

We lived in these big, concrete rooms - 3 of us, me and my two roommates. And we were all so hopelessly depressed and horny. Wanting to meet new people - yearning for life - knowing we were at the precipice of a new life experience (which ultimately was 9/11 - which happened the next year - we just didn’t know it yet). 

And I kept this journal - and the entries were PAINFUL. They were overwrought and filled to the margins with grumpiness and sourness and angst and WANT and DESIRE. 

But they were fucking VULNERABLE too. And as I began to make friends - I had a sketch group from the Upright Citizens Brigade and we would hang out at Max Fish - and I had a job teaching kids writing and reading and became friends with my co-workers - and I got an internship at Mass Appeal magazine, and joined The Plague - our college humor magazine - as I began to form a more confident persona, I would look back at those vulnerable journal entries and WRETCH from embarrassment. 

And when I graduated from college, I hid those journals for a while - until one day, actually in 2010, a year after getting my “break” in the industry and in the process of moving from Long Island (where my mother had been living - long story, she moved from Milwaukee) to Brooklyn (to the place I still live in to this day in BK), I took the notebooks and, instead of packing them, I tore the pages of the diary entries to shreds and threw them in the trash. 

Because I was mortified that I was ever that lonely and desperate and in pain. Because it had been so long since I had felt that way. 

But now, 13 years later, I’m really, really mad at myself for having done that. Pain is a real feeling. We don’t find ourselves confronting “real” things that often. And I wish I could look back and thumb the spines of those notebooks and glaze my finger over my handwriting - which hasn’t changed in decades - and try to connect with that little boy who was in pain - and tell him it’s going to be okay. Because it was going to be okay - it was okay. He ended up being just fine. 

And I disrespected him by throwing away his journal entries. The ones he cared about. 

Which I forgive myself for doing, but man, do I regret having done that. We don’t so often leave ourselves a trail of bread crumbs back to our past experiences. So when we do - when we write in journals or keep up a blog or whatever - we’ve gotta cherish those things and let them be. 

This “blog” doesn’t have to be anything other than a dumping ground for missives and dumb ideas - again, a place where I can quietly shape my public persona, which I so desperately need to craft and then use for the next chapter of my life. 

But I’m not going to disrespect the space. I promise myself that now. 

Anyways, I’m going to do some other writing now - this was honestly really nice. Hopefully I can keep it up - and perhaps it’ll be something you find useful or helpful or interesting. And if not, then I’m sorry. 

By the way, the artist whose livejournal I fell in love with was Mumbleboy. It looks like his early entries are gone, just like my old journals.

[private-thoughts-express]

Majority is a rant but if u want to use this in an english class to teach kids about reading between the lines then be my guest

I love publishing my shit on the internet. i have a tiktok where i mostly talk about my ex or my dad. i also post little cutesy videos and i like doing the trends. but i do overshare sometimes. i used to have a finsta where i would write essays and post sad pictures of me and i would literally post every one of my lowest moments. like thats so crazy. and i only had 5 (2 were the same person) followers and only one person ever consistently commented. so very few were aware. i have had countless anonymous accounts on every random platform where i vented or bitched or cried. its absolutely cray if u really think about it. and now i have this tumblr. i will probably abandon it in a month or 4 because thats what i do. i set these large goals for myself that i cant complete. but i still keep trying. so i regressed to 2012 tumblr self. so now that im here im thinking why do i, or anybody for that matter, have this incessant need to post about every tragic depressing thing that happens to us online?

ps. Listen to that while u read the rest of this so we can listen to the same thing while reading it. it is my favorite song to walk home to or cook to or close my eyes to. so u deserve to listen to it. do a nice thing for urself and hit play. its not even what i typically like so when i first heard it i was surprised about how great a new music genre could be and it just scratches the best itch in ur brain

i don't care if its the people i know that see it. i actually dont prefer it but theres a select few that i dont care if they do see. but thats besides the point. Theres many people, myself included, that dont feel certain of their emotions. i never know how im feeling or if im being overdramatic. I also dont know how to muster up the courage to share the worst of my thoughts with some people. i also hold my tongue a lot. l just dont want to upset anyone or be honest. i hate being honest sometimes. emotionally honest. its so hard and lame. so where am i going with this? well if i remember correctly im going here:

There Is Major Satisfaction in Hitting Post

I feel that publicizing my feelings and putting them out there in the internet abyss cements them into the world. my mom always did say that once you put something on the internet its forever. and i said bet that works in my favor because ! my feelings will exist forever and i can look back at them scattered all over different platforms with a shit ton of emails and separate personas and i can be like yes ! i felt that. that was real and i didn't make it up. people may see it and be like cool whatever but that still spreads my feelings and now its not just me that knows. even if it was for a moment it was known by me and a stranger and we both acknowledge that there was a point in time that i felt that way. [continued...]

PS. listen to this for the rest of this:

[continued...] i feel so disconnected from my last thoughts but im going to return to them now. ill start here:

i dont often feel seen. even with my closest friends i dont feel all the way there. i dont feel authentic all the time. i think it has a lot to do with my aversion to vulnerability and sharing your feelings. i know i already said it but i want to say it again because my friends are wonderful. they are beautiful and kind and smart and strong. i love my wonderful friends and they mean the world to me. sorry i just had to put that in there. (now im listening to savior complex) but yea. i just feel like i cant relax and breathe. i feel stiff. i feel so aware of me and my presence and how i look and move and react. i mean if were being honest i think im describing some one with some undiagnosed something but thats besides the point. the Point ! is that i find so much comfort in sharing my most private intimate thoughts online because so much satisfaction comes from knowing its potentially out there forever. because nothing is really forever but for as long as the internet is around this can potentially be around. i dont need to have kids to carry out my legacy because my internet footprint will do it for me. im pre planning in the most minimal way. i dont have to write a book or create a shit ton of movies or win a prize because i can post something completely raw and forget about it. Its really cool if you think about it. u will live forever in some capacity. this took a weird turn ! and i think this is where we cut it short but it has been a pleasure.

if any of this made sense i will give myself a pat on the back.

this made me feel very carrie bradshaw x nyt

[donutloverxo]

Stevie's new beard

*gif by @marvelheroes*

Birthday shot #2 & Kinktober day 8 - Beard kink

Please note that my work is not to be reposted or published anywhere other than my Tumblr or AO3 account without my permission.

Dividers by @whimsicalrogers

Summary - You have some strong feelings about Steve’s new look.

Warnings - 18+ only please, smut(m/f), dom Steve, daddy kink.

Pairing - Steve Rogers x female reader

Word count - 2.5k

Masterlists are linked in the bio!

One more swift turn over the corner, your eyes squinting as you tried to concentrate, “That’ll show him,” grumbling under your breathe, pressing the scissors down, “done.” With a smirk on your face.

You had been working on cutting out Steve’s face from your honeymoon album. An album you had spent hours on, your blood, sweet and tears, literally, you must’ve gotten like five paper cuts working on it. But none of that mattered. You were mad.

No, you were fuming.

The previous year, you hadn’t been able to celebrate your birthday with Steve since he was called on an emergency mission. Which was fine at the time you had only been dating for a few weeks. And when he went to Siberia over a month ago, you thought he’d be back for your birthday for sure. Then you’d get to have him pamper you and baby you for the whole day, not that you needed such an excuse, but still.

It was one in the morning, your birthday had already started and you doubted that Steve would be able to make it. He had gone silent a week ago, for his teams and your safety.

Well, by the time he’s back you’ll have cut him out of all your pictures. Maybe you’d even go stay at your sister’s for a while. You missed her and needed a vacation and teach Steve a lesson. You wouldn’t be back until he’s growling on his knees - begging for your forgiveness.

Or maybe... he wouldn’t care. Maybe he’d be glad that you’re gone. You didn’t know what you’d do if that happened, you always seem to be weighing him down. You understood that being married to Captain America meant that you had to share him with the rest of the world. Most of times, you were alright with that. You didn’t care much for the Captain, he was fine but he was no Steve Rogers.

You sighed, giving up on your little project, thinking about maybe calling it a night. Hopefully your friends remember your birthday and do something special for you.

Slipping into Steve’s t-shirt – because as much as you were mad at him, you really did miss him. This was the longest you had been away from him.

Fluffing your pillow, keeping Mister Steebie next to you, you climbed on top of it. Ready to switch off the lights -

“Hey there, sweetheart,” you gasped when you heard the low rumble, clutching your neck, taken aback and panting.

Taking a deep breathe, you looked at your door over your shoulder, sighing when you noticed it’s Steve.

Except it wasn’t...?

“What the fuck?” you frowned and did a double take.

Getting off your bed and walking over to the door. He was still dressed in his dark stealth suit, his dirty blonde hair swept back, his jaw covered in a thick beard - a few shades darker than his hair.

You stopped a few steps away from him, taking in his new look. You didn’t know what to make of it but it did make you shiver - for some reason.

Your lips pressed in a flat line as you stared at him. He spread his arms out, in an attempt to hug you, probably, trying to close the distance between you but you took a step back. Eyeing him suspiciously.

“What’s wrong, doll?” he tilted his head to the side, giving you his Disney eyes.

“What’s wrong with your face?” you spat.

“What do you mean?” his eyebrows scrunched together as he rubbed a hand over his beard.

“Don’t do that!” you admonished him, folding your hands under your titts, perking them up.

“Do what?” scratching his beard, “You’re not making any sense, doll. Didn’t you miss me?”

“I did,” you huffed, “Do you know what date it is?”

“Yes, I do know. That’s why I’m here. I got back as soon as the mission wrapped up. Now come here and let me give you a birthday kiss,” extending an arm towards you.

“Nuh-uh,” you shook your head.

“Why?” he pouted. “I made it back in time, just like I said I would. I missed you, come on just one kiss... wait a minute. Is this about the beard?” You nodded. “You hate it? Tony said you would, I just didn’t have time to shave. I’ll go do it now then.” Since he was desperate for kisses and cuddles.

“No, don’t!” You pressed a palm on his chest, in an effort to stop him. “I mean, sure if you want to... but I don’t hate it. It’s kind of the opposite... I think. I just need time to process this.”

“Doll,” he exasperated, sighing, 'politely’ trying to tell you off. “I’m tired. And you’re really not making any sense.”

“I just fucking love your beard, ok!” you snapped. Your cheeks heating up at the brash confession. Clenching your thighs together. You shouldn’t like it as much as you did. It hides Steve’s beautiful face and makes him look so feral and dangerous. So not Steve.

“Really?” he quirked a brow, pulling you flush against his chest, “how much do you like it, puppy?”

“I - I don’t know...” Still embarrassed, you hide your face over his heart, rubbing your cheek against the rough kevlar of his suit. “I like it a lot, I think. Please keep it?”

He hummed, “But you won’t even look at me.”

“It’s a lot to take in, okay? It’s like, ugh remember when you saw me in my wedding dress?”

He'd never forget, he had cried like a baby. “This is nothing like that,” he rolled his eyes.

“It’s... give me some time. Small steps.” Bringing up a shaky hand to touch his soft fuzzy jaw, “Oh! Remember that time I bought that forties style nightie. And you went to town on me?” looking up at him, “This is like that.”

He nodded, finally understanding. “I get it, doll. But I’m afraid I don’t have time for ‘small steps’. I missed you so much,” Rutting his erection into your belly - as if to physically prove it. “And I need to make your birthday special. Treat the birthday girl right, huh?” He pressed his thumb on your cheekbone, caressing it, dipping his neck down to kiss you but you pulled away.

You hugged him again, standing on your tippy toes and nuzzling your nose in the crook his neck, his beard tickling you ever so slightly.

“I thought you wouldn’t make it. That I’d be all alone.” You whined. And then he comes back looking this good! Making it impossible for you to stay mad at him.

“Of course, I made it. Couldn’t let my best girl be alone. Now let me kiss you,” you shook your head again, “fine then. We can do your small steps. Let me eat you out,” biting the shell of your ear, “I’m hungry, doll.”

There was no way you could say no to that. “Oh - okay,” you gulped a huge lump of air.

Suddenly, he swept you off your feet, throwing you over his shoulder, his hand kneading your ass before smacking it, “Missed this sweet ass too.” he said, throwing you on top of the mattress. “I like this shirt on you, pup,” he smiled, his heart swelled as he felt strangely possessive of you, hovering above you, “But it had to come off.”

With a lack of finesse, his greedy hands ripped the poor clothing to shreds. He hadn’t gone so long without you. He needed to be inside you as soon as he could.

“Stevie!” You tried to chastise him.

He threw the shirt away, growling at the sight of your naked breasts, your hard pebbles, your hands coming up to cover them from his dark eyes. That won’t do, he pulled them away, pinning them beside your head. “What do you think you’re doing?” he frowned

You shuddered. Really, a beard shouldn’t make that much of a significant difference but it made him all the more intimidating. “Sorry, daddy.” You pouted. If nothing else, the D-word always worked.

He shook his head, capturing a nipple in his mouth, grazing it with his teeth. He made sure to run his beard over your breast. Letting go of your twisting hand as it clenched on the back of his head. Your back arching, pushing more your body to him.

With a loud ‘pop’ he let go of your hard nub, shoving two fingers in your mouth and ordering you to suck and like he obedient doll you were - you followed.

He pulled his fingers out, snaking his hand between your legs, dipping them in your heat. Then he noticed it and frowned.

Looking to his side, a sack of flour? No, looked fluffy enough to be cotton. “What is this?” he wanted to know.

You were too far gone to even register his words but you vaguely heard him. You bit your lip, following his eyes. “Oh, that’s Mister Steebie.”

“What?”

“That’s you. I missed you and I needed a cuddle buddy. So I stuffed some cotton in a sack, dressed him in your flannel and drew your face on him.”

His 'face' was just two dots with a blue sharpie, golden hair on his head and a pink mouth. “It’s cute.” he chuckled, grabbing ‘Steebie' and putting him on the floor, “But you don’t need him. You have the real thing now,” he reminded you, trailing kisses down your body, pushing your thighs apart to make room for him and settling between them.

“I suppose I should upgrade him now. Draw the beard on. I wonder if I have a brown sharpie,” you mused, yelping when you felt his teeth grazing over your clit. “God!” you heaved, propping yourself up on your elbows you looked down at him. A few strands of his hair had fallen on his forehead, he looked ethereal. “You’re so pretty, Stevie.” Your hand caressing his face.

He leaned into it, having been touch starved for over a month. “You’re the pretty one, pup. Now, will you be good for me? Let me treat my birthday girl right?”

You nodded. Laying back down, running your fingers through his longer locks.

“Did you touch yourself while I was gone?” he asked

“No, I followed your rules.”

“Good, I didn’t either.” Not that he had the time or space to anyway. But he wanted to save himself for you.

“Thor told me, women like a nice thick beard,” rubbing his face on your inner thighs, “he’s a bit of an oversharer. But I knew you’d like it too. Guess I was right.” He was smug about it too. He knew you inside and out. More than anybody else, maybe more than you know yourself.

He pushed your thighs apart as you squirmed above him, trying to clamp them on his head. “Now, sweetheart. I thought you promised to be good. Do I need to tie you up?”

You furiously shook your head. “No, please! I’ll be good.” Normally, you’d love to be tied up. But you needed to touch him, his face and his hair.

“I know it’s hard, pup, just try a little harder,” He tongue nudging at your entrance. His fingers spreading your lips apart, “such a pretty pussy,” he praised.

Wrapping his mouth around your clit and pushing his fingers in your pussy. He made sure to gather as much of your slick over his beard as he could, to make a mess of it.

You threw your head back, trying your best to stay still, it was too overwhelming, too good, “Stevie! Stop, stop please,” you begged, pulling on his hair.

He immediately pulled away, hovering back over you, inspecting you for any distress.

“I want to come with you inside me. Please.” you said, fluttering your lashes.

He sighed, “Don’t scare me like that.”

“Come on! It’s my birthday. You have to do as I say,” you giggled.

“As you wish,” he shook his head. He would’ve given in even if it wasn’t your birthday.

His fingers scrambling to get his dick out of his suit. Kissing your neck, sucking on your special spot, he pushed inside you. Digging his fingers in your hips, he bit your neck, “So fucking tight, doll.” He groaned, he was at the end of his rope, he couldn’t take it anymore, snapping his hips with a swift thrust he buried himself inside you.

“Stevie,” you mewled, feeling his tip pressing against your special spot. “Right there!”

Pulling his cock out and then pushing back, “Here?” he wiggled his hips, pressing his lips to your jaw.

“Yeah,” you gave a shaky reply. Already on the edge as he kept ramming in on your g-spot. “Steve, kiss me please?” You needed to feel his lips on yours, to feel his beards on your face.

Circling a hand under your waist to pull you up and closer to him, his hips setting a punishing pace, he crashed his lips on yours. Clashing your teeth together. He moaned as you pulled his bottom lip with your teeth, before kissing him again.

Letting go of his lips, just for a second to pepper kisses all over his beard and then kissing him deeply.

You clenched around his length, pulling his hair, biting the hilt to his jaw to stifle your scream. Waves of pleasure crashing over you one after another.

He came right after you, with a few more thrusts, filling you to the brim. He collapsed on top of you, careful not to crush you.

He laid beside you, on his side your bodies still connected. He couldn’t have any of his spend escaping your tight cunt.

He kissed the crown of your head. “You liked your first gift?” he asked as you hummed. “Don’t worry, I got plenty more for you.” he smirked already feeling himself get hard again in your pussy.

When you were quiet for a while, so unusual for you, your fingers playing with his beard, “What’s wrong, pup?” He tilted your face up so he could see it.

“Nothing,” you shook your head. Suddenly feeling guilty for ruining your precious pictures. “They need you more than I ever will - your team and this world.”

“That’s... true. You don’t need me. You’re a strong woman, if anything I need you. But that’s a good thing, sweetheart. You want me. And that's enough for me.”

“Really?” Your lips curling up in a big grin as you nuzzled his beard, feeling awfully proud of yourself.

Steve’s heart was big enough to share him with the entire world. That he could still love you more than you could even begin to comprehend. And always make his way back to you. You wouldn’t have it any other way.

Tags will be in the reblog! Click the link in the bio to be join the taglist or shoot me an ask/dm.

Comments and reblogs are really appreciated! ❤❤

[kroerms]

Lifeline

Oneshot || pairing: kenma x reader (gender neutral, but I tried to stay clear of any pronouns)|| genre: angstisch, hurt/comfort ||

warnings: depiction of depression/ symptoms of a depression || if I forgot to mention something, please feel free to tell me...

a/n: sooo, this is my very first fanfic since like 2013, please be gentle with me haha

y/n: “I’m sorry, but I can’t make it to our date today…”

Kenma: “What do you mean you can’t make it? We planned this for over a week and are supposed to meet up in an hour...I’m already out of my house…”

y/n: “I’m really sorry, I just can’t.”

You sighed, tossed your phone next to you on the bed and pressed the pillow closer to your chest.

You couldn’t really pinpoint what triggered all these negative feelings. But your whole life there have always been these days where you felt completely drained of energy and the negativity of your own mind played tricks on you. You had always called it your “social battery” being empty. But in reality, it was more than just that. It was more than just not wanting to see your friends or family. It was a consuming tiredness paired with negative thoughts and sadness rooted deep within your very heart. Days like these would come and go, you learned that over the years, which is why you preferred to be alone on those days because you didn’t want to burden anyone with your pointless feelings. Sure, sometimes those feelings would almost consume you completely and would persist for weeks, but you always managed to handle them one way or another. You knew this all too well, you had had to deal with this part of yourself since your early teens after all and now that you were 28 it just didn’t seem like you were ever to grow out of it like your parents used to say you would. It wasn’t their fault though, since you never really talked about what it felt like to anyone after your so called friends seemed to dismiss it as just you being lazy and so your parents thought your tendency to hang in your room and lay in bed all day was just due to hormones. And you always felt like no one would believe you anyways and you weren’t prepared for all the follow up questions that would drain the last bit of energy you had, and so you stopped explaining yourself altogether.

You’ve known Kenma for a while now. The two of you started to form a friendship after you accidentally took his coffee order from the barista because he had ordered your usual. And with your head always being in the clouds you had just heard “vanilla latte” and without waiting for your name to follow the order you’d taken the beverage.

“Uhm, excuse me but I think this is supposed to be mine - well unless your name is Kenma as well, but I highly doubt that”, a monotone voice next to you spoke. Your gaze shifted from the to-go-cup in your hand to the man beside you. The faux blonde with the dark roots and the almost bored facial expression stood next to the take-out section of the coffeeshop, switch in one hand and the other in the pocket of his red tracksuit.

“Oh, I’m very sorry, I must have zoned out again. I sometimes get stressed in overly crowded places and tend to lose myself in my thoughts to calm down aaaand I just overshared, didn’t I?” You bowed slightly and handed the man in front of you his drink just as the barista called out your name with a “vanilla latte” attached to it. You quickly turned around to take the coffee so that Kenma wouldn’t notice the slight blush that spread over your cheeks from the embarrassment.

“y/n’s a pretty name, suits you.”, Kenma said, flashing a slight blush of his own as the words left his lips. “Well thank you...Kenma was it?”. The faux blonde nodded slightly. An awkward silence infolded the two of you. Just as you wanted to excuse yourself so that you could finally leave this utterly embarrassing situation, Kenma spoke up again: “well if you want to make it up to me for almost stealing my drink, I’d really appreciate a piece of apple pie from the bakery down the road. If that’s not too crowded for you.”

After that encounter, the two of you quickly grew closer and developed a bond to one another. Just like you, Kenma enjoyed lazy days at home gaming or watching movies together more than going out on adventures. So the two of you would often hang out at his house playing Mario Kart together or you’d watch movies on your projektor at yours. Sure, occasionally the two of you would go out to get something to eat or to watch his friends at a volleyball game, but these outings were rare. And it was because of those cozy little hangouts that you never once had to cancel plans with him, thus not once did you have to explain to him why you didn’t have the energy to go out and do stuff….well at least until today.

The familiar wave of guilt washed over you for not telling him why you had to cancel on such short notice. But you really didn’t have the energy to explain that your inner demons had taken control over your body and mind today. You were already feeling exhausted because work had been hell the last couple of weeks and it didn’t help that seemingly everyone in your family needed something from you which resulted in you spending your off-time after work either at your fathers house or your mothers. This left little to no you-time to relax and recharge yourself.

It was now near lunchtime on your well deserved day off and Kenma and you had plans to check out the new cat café that opened up just a few blocks from your home. But you hadn’t even made it out of bed, let alone under the shower yet. The comfort of the warm blankets was just too good. The mere thought of leaving this safe haven stressed you out and you had to hold yourself back from crying. You felt so overwhelmed with the world today that you couldn’t entertain the thought of participating in anything right now. All you wanted - no - needed to do was sleep until that heavy feeling on your chest would lift off and let you breathe again.

Just as you were dozing off, you heard your doorbell ring. You didn’t expect a package or anything today, so you didn’t exactly know who would want something from you right now.

Wrapped in your pink aristocats pijama and your very wild bedhead you padded to your door. What you didn’t expect while looking through your peephole was Kenma, standing in front of your apartment, arms full of paper bags.

“Open up, these are heavy you know! I know you’re standing behind the door.”

You took a deep breath before opening the door to let Kenma in. He immediately made his way to the kitchen, where he placed all the bags on the countertop before looking at you.

His gaze was intense. With what seemed like worry in his eyes, he scanned over your tired form.

“What’s wrong y/n?”, he asked.

“Nothing, I’m just tired, didn’t sleep enough last night I guess, but it’ll be better by tomorrow, so you really don’t have to worry about little old me”, you meekly said in an attempt to lighten the mood. You tried giving him the most reassuring smile you could manage, but it didn’t reach your eyes. You knew he noticed by the way his gaze softened. In one swift motion Kenma pulled you into his chest and cradled your head with one hand, while the other found its way around your waist, pulling you closer into him in the process. This took you by surprise, since Kenma and you didn’t really hug a lot.

“Tell me what’s really wrong y/n. I can clearly tell that you are not okay. You are a measly liar”, he whispered into your hair. Damn him and his observation skills, you thought. Well, this is it, you couldn’t hide that part of yourself from him any longer. You were scared to open up to him about that part of yourself, the fear of losing him because he didn’t want to deal with someone as broken as you are was immense.

“y/n?” Kenma spoke up again. You must’ve lost yourself in thought again, you didn’t even notice the tears that slipped past your eyelids and were making their way down your cheeks, before coming to a halt at your chin.

“I’m s-sorry, I - I don’t want to w-worry you… I just, I feel so tired and I f-feel like my battery is completely e-empty. I don’t feel like I c-can handle anyone, including m-myself right now. I j-just want everything to s-stop. I am exhausted, I feel like I a-am drowning within m-myself and t-there seems to b-be no lifeline”, you sniffled into Kenma’s chest. His hold on you tightened at that. He knew you got overwhelmed in crowds sometimes and that you preferred quiet, lazy meet-ups at home over going out. It was one of the reasons why he liked you so much, you didn’t expect him to be outgoing and you always accepted him for the person he was. He knew you were someone who liked their personal time and that the world, especially the people living in it would overwhelm you sometimes, but he had never seen you like this. Small, so fragile, almost as if you crumbled within yourself. As if the slightest blow of wind could knock you over and break you.

“Do you want me to leave? I brought food from that new café. I can just leave it here and go, if you need time to yourself…” Kenma said.

You were torn. On one hand, you really didn’t have the energy to entertain someone right now. But Kenma felt so warm and his embrace made you feel secure. As if the world couldn’t get to you as long as he held you like this. So you tightened your hold on him and shook your head lightly.

A small smile appeared on Kenma’s face.

“Alright, how about you go lay down on the couch then, while I unpack the food and we watch some cheesy movie together?”

The thought of leaving Kenma’s arms didn’t please you at all but you obliged and went to your couch in the open living room. You watched as Kenma started unpacking of cake slices, sandwiches and chocolates out of the bags. He even brought avocado-onigiri. Your favorite. After he displayed everything on plates he came over to put the food and two lemonades on the coffee table. He sat down next to you and turned on your TV. He started your favorite rom-com before he pulled you close to him again so that your head was resting on his chest. As the movie went on, he started to stroke your hair with his hand, while the other was on top of your arm that was draped over his torso. This was still very unfamiliar to you, but it felt nice.

“You know, you never have to hide your feelings from me. Not even the negative ones. I know I sometimes seem a little distant and I am not very open about my own feelings either but you mean a great deal to me and I’m always gonna be here for you. Even when you feel like drowning, I’ll always be a lifeline for you to hold on to. And I know I can’t fix everything, but I’ll try my best to help you with fixing what needs to be fixed.” he whispered softly. You closed your eyes, new tears forming in them making your eyelids heavy. Even if all those inner demons were loud within you, Kenma’s voice and reassuring words slowly drowned them out and you finally felt a bit of the weight on your chest getting lighter. You knew you had to work on these things and you would need more than just Kenma, you’d need professional help to cope with all of this, but with Kenma by your side like this, you felt like anything was possible. Before you dozed off in Kenma’s embrace you whispered back: “thank you so much for being here”.