private-thoughts-express

[private-thoughts-express]

If we don’t microdose delusion we won’t make it through this reality babe….

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going to grind hard for the next 2 weeks so i can dress slutty in my little nun costume and enjoy getting wasted without anxiety

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Me in a couple of days

I think doing things that scare the shit out of u are fun. I fee like i need to do more

[private-thoughts-express]

Majority is a rant but if u want to use this in an english class to teach kids about reading between the lines then be my guest

I love publishing my shit on the internet. i have a tiktok where i mostly talk about my ex or my dad. i also post little cutesy videos and i like doing the trends. but i do overshare sometimes. i used to have a finsta where i would write essays and post sad pictures of me and i would literally post every one of my lowest moments. like thats so crazy. and i only had 5 (2 were the same person) followers and only one person ever consistently commented. so very few were aware. i have had countless anonymous accounts on every random platform where i vented or bitched or cried. its absolutely cray if u really think about it. and now i have this tumblr. i will probably abandon it in a month or 4 because thats what i do. i set these large goals for myself that i cant complete. but i still keep trying. so i regressed to 2012 tumblr self. so now that im here im thinking why do i, or anybody for that matter, have this incessant need to post about every tragic depressing thing that happens to us online?

ps. Listen to that while u read the rest of this so we can listen to the same thing while reading it. it is my favorite song to walk home to or cook to or close my eyes to. so u deserve to listen to it. do a nice thing for urself and hit play. its not even what i typically like so when i first heard it i was surprised about how great a new music genre could be and it just scratches the best itch in ur brain

i don't care if its the people i know that see it. i actually dont prefer it but theres a select few that i dont care if they do see. but thats besides the point. Theres many people, myself included, that dont feel certain of their emotions. i never know how im feeling or if im being overdramatic. I also dont know how to muster up the courage to share the worst of my thoughts with some people. i also hold my tongue a lot. l just dont want to upset anyone or be honest. i hate being honest sometimes. emotionally honest. its so hard and lame. so where am i going with this? well if i remember correctly im going here:

There Is Major Satisfaction in Hitting Post

I feel that publicizing my feelings and putting them out there in the internet abyss cements them into the world. my mom always did say that once you put something on the internet its forever. and i said bet that works in my favor because ! my feelings will exist forever and i can look back at them scattered all over different platforms with a shit ton of emails and separate personas and i can be like yes ! i felt that. that was real and i didn't make it up. people may see it and be like cool whatever but that still spreads my feelings and now its not just me that knows. even if it was for a moment it was known by me and a stranger and we both acknowledge that there was a point in time that i felt that way. [continued...]

PS. listen to this for the rest of this:

[continued...] i feel so disconnected from my last thoughts but im going to return to them now. ill start here:

i dont often feel seen. even with my closest friends i dont feel all the way there. i dont feel authentic all the time. i think it has a lot to do with my aversion to vulnerability and sharing your feelings. i know i already said it but i want to say it again because my friends are wonderful. they are beautiful and kind and smart and strong. i love my wonderful friends and they mean the world to me. sorry i just had to put that in there. (now im listening to savior complex) but yea. i just feel like i cant relax and breathe. i feel stiff. i feel so aware of me and my presence and how i look and move and react. i mean if were being honest i think im describing some one with some undiagnosed something but thats besides the point. the Point ! is that i find so much comfort in sharing my most private intimate thoughts online because so much satisfaction comes from knowing its potentially out there forever. because nothing is really forever but for as long as the internet is around this can potentially be around. i dont need to have kids to carry out my legacy because my internet footprint will do it for me. im pre planning in the most minimal way. i dont have to write a book or create a shit ton of movies or win a prize because i can post something completely raw and forget about it. Its really cool if you think about it. u will live forever in some capacity. this took a weird turn ! and i think this is where we cut it short but it has been a pleasure.

if any of this made sense i will give myself a pat on the back.

this made me feel very carrie bradshaw x nyt

[private-thoughts-express]

Music Review Sam Ezeh

i think im listening to one of the best new artists of our generation. Idk but i feel it in my chest. Im not a a music critic and i obvi don't write for rolling stone so take my word with a grain of salt. but they are amazing. Their name is sam ezeh and the music is just so beautiful. like it is the most pleasent beautiful sexy body filling music ever. it just makes me melt. every. harmony is so beautiful and necessary the smooth sounds are so nice it feels like its floating on the little music wave thing out out of my ear.

See image above for visual of how it makes me feel. thats how it flows out my ear. now because i feel like i need to back myself up and prove i am qualified i will provide a review for a song of their album Night at Ezeh's.

Makes My Night

the beginning is absolutely insane. like actually the best thing i have ever heard. theres a certain sound that is repeating its like a rolly polly dipped in paint. the rolly polly then proceeds to roll down a paint can that is also covered in the semi dry paint. think of that sound of the rolly polly over every edge. that is what that sounds like. I spent the entire song review thinking about this that i need to start over again. im midway through and it has made me feely groovy but i want to give it another shot. starting again from 0:00 : theres that sound again lol. yo this is lowkey sexy. i got distracted again but the song is really beautiful. the song sounds like its being sung in the tunnel at central park but like futuristic. i absolutely love it.

ok another song review but not from the album:

Fantasy

DO YOU WANT TO FEEL SEXY???????? listen to this song. it just make me feel so sexy but in a 70s in a the sacred and the profane way. u get me ? just listen to it.

I want to conclude by saying that I feel like everyone should give them a listen. so while i am currently staying at harrys house, i am going to sneak out in the middle of the night and spend the night at ezeh's.

lol i am so proud of that last joke

[private-thoughts-express]

Feeling lost

It feels weird to have all this knowledge about her. she is just so cemented in my knowledge of everything. i don't know a lot about life or capitalism or centipedes but I know so much about her. It's overwhelming and I feel like i'm trying to catch every thought that slips my mind. I keep trying to shove them back in there but its not working. i want to return it. i would pay good money to give everything back for a day. just one day free of this. then ill take it all back because i like knowing things about her. i like thinking about her smile. her laugh. her favorite drink. her favorite show. i like knowing her favorite position to sleep. i like knowing what she watches while she eats. it just feels wasted now that i dont know her anymore. i cant reuse any of this information but i feel like it will never leave me. i will carry the love i have forever because if i dont was it even real? love lingers imo.