#sorry it got so long!! i have a lot to say abt this topic

[springtrappd]

You said in one post that the author of Solar Lunacy is ableist. Could you explain how they're being problematic? I know almost nothing about them or the story itself, so I wouldn't know if they've said or done anything sus. Also, thank you for actually criticizing the Daycare Attendant stans, almost nobody in this site does that.

thank you for asking! it's rare to see, you're right, but it's also rare that people are willing to actually engage with that critical posting, so -- again, thank you! as for your question: oh boy, can i!

first: the basics. dissociation is a psychological response to overwhelming stress wherein the brain... disassociates from itself, placing a barrier between itself and the harsh reality. the most famous dissociative disorder is dissociative identity disorder (DID), known formerly as multiple personality disorder (MPD) or split personality. did occurs when someone without a fully-formed identity (read: a child) undergoes such severe stress that the 'brain' dissociates from its identity itself, creating alternate identities (personalities) to deal with the things they can't. these alternate identities work together to form a system. it's way more complicated than that and you can read more on it here and here but that's the bare minimum for the ignorant in the audience. we all caught up? good! moving on.

now, the question of whether or not the daycare attendant is a system is a touchy one. i've seen multiple different stances on the matter, seen a lot of arguments, and typed (and deleted) several hundreds of words about it, and the answer that i've come to is that, for the sake of this argument, whether the dca is a system in canon doesn't matter. what matters is how bamsara treats them. how do they handle the characters, how do they frame the switches in personality, the confusion, all the parallels to real-world symptoms -- how do they expect the viewer to feel, what do they pull from the cultural lexicon, yadda yadda. does bamsara -- regardless of their intentions -- depict the dca as a system, and if so, how do they handle it?

the answer is that they depict the dca as experiencing altered identity states, switching (and even blurring) between identities, and even repeatedly acknowledges them as a plural entity.

and it is these behaviours, specifically, that are used to make the dca scary. bamsara's daycare attendant is scary because they experience altered identity states. because they blur identities. because they are a plural entity. because they display the textbook symptoms and behaviours of a disorder most commonly caused by childhood sexual abuse. and it is the fear that this is inspires that makes them (but especially moon & eclipse) sexy.

now, one can argue that this is simply in line with existing horror media, and they would be correct: most pop culture depictions of dissociative disorders are extremely ableist, and have real-world consequences! but what makes it really, really shitty is that... i don't want to think about this stuff. i don't come to fandom to be reminded that people are terrified of what they don't understand, and that that very very often includes the mentally ill. i don't want to be reminded that there are people who don't believe dissociative disorders exist at all. i don't want to reminded that they -- the sick, the survivors, the unlucky 140 million -- are spoken of in the same way as monsters. i don't come here for harsh realities. but solar lunacy is the most kudos'd fnaf fic on ao3, and we all have to live with that.

if you liked solar lunacy or bamsara's content or... whatever, i don't particularly care. i'm not mad about people thinking evil alters are sexy, or engaging with horror content that says shitty things about systems -- it's your life, live it how you please (and i've got a vanny icon so who am i to judge lmao). sometimes the things that make us happy are kinda shitty, and that's okay! our views are shaped by the society we live in, and there is no society on earth that is kind to the mentally ill -- there's no way to undo that, to stop that from influencing you in some capacity. but... all i ask is for you to think about this stuff, and try to educate yourself on the topic. there's nothing wrong with making a mistake, or having flaws -- but there's something wrong with making a space that feels unsafe, that reflects some of the more uncomfortable aspects of our society, that unintentionally hurts people. it's just up to you if that something is something you care about.

i hope that answers your question, anon (and anyone else who's curious). take care, mate!

(edit 13/01/2023: due to some technical difficulties on tumblr's end, the notes aren't quite showing up properly, so here's the link to bamsara's reblog chain if you can't find it.)

[chironshorseass]

ok i really really really enjoyed watching the first two episodes and i think the show is already so faithful to the books in ways the movies wished they were BUT i’m gonna be a bitch just because i can and rant about a few insignificant but at the same time very important Things the writers didn’t Understand:

percy is angry.

and i know this is seen with his anger towards poseidon in the show, but i’m talking angry. as in, generally speaking. when he’s with grover and they’re talking about nancy, percy says something along the lines of “we should fight back,” and grover’s like “noooo we can’t stand up to bullies.” and then percy stands up to her and blah blah blah…but in the books percy’s first line is “i’m going to kill her” after she throws a sandwich at grover. grover talks him out of it because he’s already on probation.

with just this scene we know percy stands up to bullies, and that’s partly why he has so much trouble at school! in the show, he stands up to nancy, apparently for the first time, and gets kicked out because of it! sorry but as someone who worked in a school, i know for a fact that kids can get away with so much more before they’re actually kicked out lol. it would’ve made sense, like in tlt, that he’s already at risk of suspension so him “pushing” nancy is the final straw. it’s just very weird, considering it could be only a line of dialogue that makes percy’s anger and the connection between his outburst and him getting kicked out more clear.

consequently, percy arrives at his appartment and gabe is just a general (still admittedly abusive) jerk instead of a drunk, violent (also abusive) man. when we meet gabe, it makes a lot of sense why percy has so much trouble with his anger. it’s easy to see that connection. literal child + alcoholic abusive father figure = there’s bound to be some trouble….that’s not really the case in the show, especially in the way that sally easily stands up to him. people have said a fair bit about this topic already, so i’m not gonna expand on that, but i really wish the writers had focused more on percy’s internal anger, as it’s such an important part of his character and affects the way he reacts to things throughout the books; it just worries me that in the first episode it wasn’t as established. i. e. he hates dionysus on sight because he reminds him of smelly gabe, he hates the gods—is angry at poseidon—because, where was he when my mom and i were suffering at the hands of smelly gabe? ok i’m not gonna talk about more of this or of sally because other people have said it and i could write a four page essay of what the show got wrong plus i want to talk abt other things before this gets too long:

the monster scenes.

the mrs. dodds being a fury reveal felt sooo…weird? even the movie version did it better lol. it felt super rushed and strange how percy’s just standing there and the next he’s on the ground, but he had riptide with him so he just impaled her and then she turned to dust??? in the books, not only does she get percy alone, but grover tries to stand up to her—which is a big deal since he knows what she truly is and shows how much he cares for percy in that moment. percy has time to be genuinely terrified bc he’s alone with a literal monster and he’s about to die…and chiron throws him riptide just in time, but then he too vanishes so percy’s left wondering if he imagined everything. but no, in the show mrs. dodds comes out of nowhere and attacks him, and it’s so fast that percy doesn’t have time to dwell on wtf happened. the situation doesn’t seem as serious as it does in the book; in the book she tries to interrogate percy bc she thinks he’s the lightning thief, and when she doesn’t get her answer, she attacks him. this is another thing: the stakes. they don’t feel as high in the show because there’s no annabeth trying to ask percy what was stolen, no hellhound, no fates cutting a string, and no alecto/mrs. dodds interrogation. there’s not much of a lead up to the quest, really.

theeen the minotaur scene, which also feels super weirdly paced and there’s just not that same sense of urgency. again, other people have talked about this, so i’ll just stick to another main concern of mine: grover’s role in the scene. it was so strange how in the book he’s semi unconscious and in the show he’s fine (so fine that sally does something completely out of character and makes grover swear to keep percy safe? she would never put that much pressure in a child???) ok so he seems fine in the show, but then when they’re running percy’s holding him as if he can’t walk???? they’re not even fully sprinting, given that a monster is chasing them lol. (the problem with the stakes; i mean with the way they run and have an entire talk with sally makes it feel like they’re not in any real danger).

back to grover: he was perfectly fine, and he got percy back safe. not at all like in tlt, where percy has to practically carry him back, after loosing his mom and killing the minotaur. THEN percy passes out and later wakes up at the big house. this is important, bc grover’s entire THING is being percy’s protector, and he couldn’t do that properly bc he was indisposed. he felt awful. of course he did. his character arc is overcoming the guilt and insecurities—that he’s not a proper protector and therefore can’t search for pan; his main character motivation—by successfully completing the quest and helping percy retrieve the master bolt.

these are just little seeds that needed to be planted in the first two episodes of the show…so that the rest of the show feels cohesive and makes sense with what happens in tlt. if these character traits and scenes are looked over and not given proper importance/not replaced with something similar, then the show will have a different tone than it does to the books. i don’t think it’s necessarily bad, but it is disappointing that the details sprinkled in the source material are lost in translation. they may have seemed insignificant to the writers, but not to meeee!!!!!!

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

question! is it a form of neglect to purposefully not give your children sex ed? i've been thinking a lot abt it lately, especially bc that's how i grew up. when i started asking sex related questions, people would either awkwardly lie or straight up tell me not to ask. to the point my mom would guilt me for asking, saying "you can read i'll find you a book" [never gets me any books abt it] "but stop bothering me bc i have a lot on my hands" ect ect guilting stuff.

like, thinking back on it now, it makes me feel more and more like not giving your kids sex ed on purpose is a form of neglect. i understand NOT knowing sex ed stuff but it seems like when you get kids, it's kinda your job to make sure they get that info somehow? so many people DON'T know basic sex ed or even what CONSENT is and it seems like that's not just a school system thing but sometimes it's also a PARENT thing.

sorry to ramble in your inbox. i've jst been thinking about this a lot, especially being on your blog, and wondered if you had any thoughts on it.

hi anon,

this is a rather thorny question and not one that I feel comfortable making generalizations about.

certainly there are caregivers who intentionally withhold access to information about sex, anatomy, and consent as part of a larger pattern of manipulating and indoctrinating their children, and stigmatize or otherwise punish children for seeking knowledge. in those cases I think we can generally say that withholding information is part and parcel of mistreatment. I assume, based on the rest of your ask, that this is the kind of behavior you mean when you talk about "purposefully" failing to provide sex ed.

but what counts as "purpose"? if a caregiver is otherwise meeting their kid's needs and not doing any cult shit but never raises the topic of sex ed because their kid never asked, or because they assumed that health class had it covered, or because they themself never got any decent sex ed and don't have anything particularly helpful to say, would we then call that neglect? I wouldn't, personally. it's nice when parents can, especially if their kids are coming to them with questions, but I also understand very well that the average parent is an extremely busy person who is doing their best and probably does not have any particularly thorough knowledge of sex. don't get me wrong, I have plenty of issues with how much sex negative behavior and general ick people learn from their families, but I can also recognize that this is a multigenerational cultural issue and that the parents are also the products of their own upbringings.

this is also a whole other tangent but I don't believe parents should be expected to be the primary vessel of knowledge for sex ed anyway, any more than they're expected to teach math or science. but I recognize that that's also a belief that requires schools to have mandatory, semester-long sex ed classes that are taught by a professional like any other subject and frankly the US is just not going to be there any time soon when Republicans are still trying to classify being a drag queen in front of a child as a sex crime.

tldr. it's complicated.

[kindlespark]

this is gonna be SO long and rambly sorry anyway i saw a post abt how babel does queer characters and it got me thinking abt why the tropes it uses would usually turn me off other stories but didn’t here

MAJOR BABEL SPOILERS //

i feel like i’d be more mad abt how robinramy ended up in babel if it marketed itself as queer lit at all or if its fans were going “WOW AMAZING QUEER REP” abt it. but no one told me any of that, so finding out they were gay was just a fun little bonus surprise to me. i get why ppl are eh abt robinramy not getting together/technically still being subtext (which i dont think is really true btw like the book literally says “robin was falling in love” but idk i guess if you were stupid you might’ve assumed that it was falling in love with oxford given how romantic some of the other language is (WHICH IS ALSO THE POINT bc i think robin’s friendship with ramy blurring into romance is why he romanticised like all his friendships/experiences in oxford BUT IM GETTING OFF-TOPIC)). i just think robin’s repression abt being gay was intrinsically tied to his attitudes on imperialism (wrt refusing to acknowledge anything that complicated his life until it was too late) and i don’t consider it a cop out or queerbait. like i genuinely don’t think robinramy could ever have gotten together without drastic alterations being made in terms of plot and character. plus i think it’s clear that kuang didn’t want to write a story with any kind of focus on romance at all, because it’s not that kind of book. there’s no successful het romance either, so it grates a lot less. the only reason romance is included at all is to show the ways in which white entitlement manifests. so the tragic way robinramy played out just made sense to me.

and i speak as someone who accidentally spoiled myself on You Know What in the middle of reading and i was like ugghh boooo dreading it the whole time expecting to roll my eyes when it happened but then when it did i was like. wow im actually not that mad LMFAO 😭😭😭 actually thematically the book sets it up so well that i believed that this was unfortunately the only way it could’ve gone. babel is about the loss and tragedy and grief that colonised people experience. it’s about the lengths people will go to to uphold empire and the lengths ppl will go to to tear it down like idk 😭 i guess it is bury your gays but it didnt bother me this time because i thought it fit thematically ❤️ i enjoy tragedy as a genre a lot and i would’ve made it gay anyway you know. thanks rf kuang for doing it for me so i didnt have to.

WHICH IS ALL TO SAY that i guess if you’re going into babel for the queer rep without appreciating that the story is fundamentally a tragedy it would feel like it’s just reusing tired tropes….. but i think the choices kuang made were rly deliberate and not in a way that feels like trauma porn or shock value. the book is fundamentally about the struggles of poc so the layer of queerness that was introduced felt like a subtle extension of the experiences of characters of colour in the book, and i enjoyed and related to it as a queer chinese person who kind of realised they had to prioritise their fight for the liberation of poc over queerness mainly because the idea of western queer liberation cannot be dissociated from imperialism and many aspects of homophobia as we know it was an export of christian european empire into our colonised countries in the first place and FUCK THIS IS A WHOLE OTHER TANGENT ABOUT HOW I THINK RAMY AS A CHARACTER IS EMBLEMATIC OF THE TENSION AND STRUGGLE THAT QUEER POC DIASPORA HAVE BETWEEN OUR IDENTITIES GODDAMNIT OK FORGET IT POST CANCELLED i just rly think babel’s handling of queer characters is fine and makes sense and i like it personally and maybe i will make a coherent analysis about it one day but that day is not today byeeeeeee

[chillychive]

Having so much brain rot abt teacher Mumscarian so I’m gonna throw it at you lovely citizens of the inter webs:

- Grian is the part time art teacher who subs a lot at the school.

- Mumbo is the tech teacher who everyone is a little afraid of before they get to know him and realize he’s just a tall, intimidating goofball.

- Scar is an architect who is known for 2 things: Amazing architecture and his cat who he manages to mention in every single conversation regardless of topic. You could be talking to him about geothermal heating and he’d find a way to work in Jellie in something that made complete sense in the moment but was utterly bewildering upon reflection.

I accidentally wrote a fic, so here you go!:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Grian sighed, heading to the main office to check his mailbox after a long day. He passed his sister, Pearl’s desk, on the way and paused.

It was utterly wrecked, piles and piles of papers decorating it. She was so stressed out at dinner last night…

He sat down. She could owe him for this one. He sorted through the papers, finishing the easy ones and making neat piles of the rest.

It was nearly 9 now, he was going to be late for dinner, but he knew Mumbo was finishing up some work- a student had wrecked their project in the rain by accident so he was painstakingly assembling a replica for them so they didn’t fail the class- so he wouldn’t be home for a while, either.

Mumbo’s love for his students was a big part of what Grian loved about him- it was hardly the first time Mumbo had gone far, far out of his way to help one of them- once he actually drove all the way to a student’s house to talk them through a project that would make or break their grade after they called him crying.

Partially to distract himself and partially to annoy Mumbo, Grian pressed the button on the intercom. Everyone would be out of the building by now, so he wasn’t worried about annoying anyone.

“Main office to Mumbo Jumbo, how are you, dearest?”

It only took a couple seconds for Mumbo’s reply. “Grian?! How-“ Grian could hear Mumbo’s smile in his voice, “You almost made me drop the whole project! I’d have to start from scratch!”

Grian laughed. “Sorry…”

“No you’re not.”

“Nope!” Grian grinned into the mic, squinting at the page in front of him. “Did you go to the assembly today?”

“Yep… had to go to the first one and the third.”

“The presenter was so hot.”

Mumbo laughed. “Seriously, the man was way too attractive for his own good.”

“And his cat was the cutest.”

“No, the cutest was how much he loved her.”

Grian grinned. “Okay, you’ve got me there. And his eyes, too.”

“What about them? I wasn’t close enough to see.”

“They were like this really vibrant shade of green- I’ve literally never seen someone with that color eyes before- and it perfectly complemented his suit too- I wondered about the maroon until I saw his eyes…”

Grian slowed his ramble, and Mumbo clearly noticed but didn’t say anything.

“Anyway, yeah, he was so hot.”

Mumbo laughed. “I’m nearly done here, but I have a lot of clean up to do, so I’m gonna go for a bit.”

“Okay! I’m just tidying in the office, so I’ll be here when you’re done.”

“Love you, Gri.” Mumbo said over the intercom, and Grian grinned, turning it off with a quick “Love you too.”

—-

Grian had finished cleaning Pearl’s desk and had moved on to his own papers when he was interrupted by the door opening.

“Ready to head home, babe?” He asked, not looking up.

Someone cleared their throat. “Sorry, just wanted to let you know I’m leaving…”

Well that definitely wasn’t Mumbo. Grian looked up.

“Oh.” His face was definitely burning. “I- sorry, can I help you?”

The man in front of him- a taller guy in a wheelchair, wearing a maroon suit with a cat snuggled into his lap. Grian drew his eyes up to his face, which was currently doing it’s best to color match the suit, to meet those startling green eyes.

“I’m Scar.” The man offered, rolling toward the desk. “Do I need to sign anything or can I just go?”

Scar’s voice was smooth, but his red face betrayed how flustered he was.

“Nope!” Grian squeaked.

“Hear that, Jellie? Time to go.”

Grian watched Scar’s rapidly retreating chair, cursing his bravery for what he was about to do. “Wait! There is something I need you to sign.”

Scar’s head turned quickly. In moments, he was in front of the desk again. Grian shoved the paper he had just written at him.

Scar read it, eyebrows raised. “This is a… non-disclosure agreement?”

“So you don’t tell everyone about what you overheard.” Grian explained, blushing.

Scar’s face stretched into a classic salesman smile. “Oh, but what if I want to tell someone?” He rolled closer. “I can think of a few things I’d like to say.”

Grian, stupidly, raised his chin at this. “Oh yeah?”

“How about, ‘Are you single?’” Scar asked, equally confident.

Grian frowned, pretending to ponder the question. He leaned forward, face inches from Scar’s. “I suppose that wouldn’t be a breach of contract…”

“Perfect.” Scar breathed. Grian started to lean in. Scar sat back in his chair, teasingly. “And what about the other fine fellow on the line? Would it be imprudent to ask about him as well?”

“Oh, not at all!” Grian grinned, sitting back in his seat. “In fact, I could call him right now, see if he has any objections to our little contract.”

“I think that would be quite appropriate.”

Grian turned on the intercom. “Mumbo Jumbo to the main office?” He turned it off again, leaving no room for Mumbo to protest.

“And now, would it be a breach of contract to suggest, say, dinner?” Scar asked, eyes gleaming.

“Actually, Mumbo and I are going for dinner soon… any objections to Thai?”

“That sounds amay-zing!”

It was that moment that Mumbo walked into the main office, tugging a backpack on wheels behind him. Mumbo stopped in the doorway seeing Scar. Behind Scar’s back, he mouthed to Grian “He’s been here the whole time?!”

“Ready to go?” Grian replied, standing and gathering his things. “We have a date.”

“Sorry, what?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[anonymousbeefriendfanfics]

Hi, just wondering if you could write nale/gn reader x childe from genshin impact, my entire day has been spent being sick and rotting in my bed thinking abt M A N T I D D I E S .

Never thought I would say that lmao

Basically the reader loves resting his face on childes chest and has zero shame about it (simp behavior much?)

Pls feed me crumbs 😔

I'm sorry to hear you're sick! I wish you a speedy recovery! Hopefully the Childe crumbs will make you feel better <3 I'm sorry it's a little short, but I really wanted to get this written as soon as I could to bring you some comfort!

Cuddling with Childe with your head on his chest:

So first of all he's a wonderful cuddler. He's warm and he smells really nice and he's so comfy to lay on.

I think he would really enjoy lying with you whenever you two have the time to spare. The bed is great for snuggles, of course, but I think he would also love lying together on the couch. He holds you tight, almost possessively so. He wants you as close as possible because you belong to him and he wants the world to know it.

It's so nice to lay your head on his chest!! His chest is the perfect mixture of muscle and softness, providing a firm yet oh-so-comfortable pillow for your head.

Childe would also absolutely love it whenever you do this, and he might even initiate it himself, pulling you close and gently guiding your head to his chest. It feels so close, so intimate, and he's addicted to the feeling. He can feel you breathing as you lay together, and the sensation grounds him in a way that nothing else can ever quite manage. Plus, the weight of your head on his chest provides him a strange sense of comfort, like a weighted blanket. Honestly, the more of you is on him, the better, even if only your upper body is resting on his. He loves it. You also get bonus points if you trace little designs on his chest and shoulder.

It's also nice to sit or lie together with your lower body between his legs, upper body resting against his, and, of course, your head on his chest. He's cuddling around you, holding your hands, hugging you close, occasionally leaning down to kiss the top of your head. He would enjoy holding you like that whenever the two of you bathe together, just relaxing and enjoying the warm water and one another's presence.

Childe can never keep his hands to himself while you cuddle. He's always touching you. He traces patterns on your skin, mindlessly brushes his fingertips back and forth, runs his hands through your hair and plays with it. His touch is gentle, surprisingly soft. He also enjoys feeling you up, running his hands over every last inch of you that he can reach. He's run his hands over your body so many times you're certain he's got every curve and muscle memorized. You can expect little massages, too, especially after you've had a long day.

Back to the topic at hand, though, if he notices just how much you enjoy lying with your cheek pressed against his bare chest, he's gonna tease you about it. "Oh, am I your pillow now?" he asks, his voice filled with slightly too much innocence to be believable. He chuckles, and you can feel the vibration in his chest. If you praise it/him at all, you better believe he's not gonna forget it. He'll repeat your words back to you at times, lovingly teasing you for enjoying this so much as though he himself isn't enjoying it just as much.

Also if you stare at his chest throughout the day he'll smirk like mad and go out of his way to show off for you. He stands in certain positions to give you a better view. He'll stretch a lot around you, reaching his arms over his head so that his shirt lifts and shows off more of his stomach or stretching his arms behind him to make his chest look more prominent. He's addicted to the attention, especially if he can get you blushing. You're more than welcome to touch him all you want, too. He lives for it, and he has no shame even if you're in public.

A small bonus for you, dear friend:

Imagine Childe taking care of you while you're sick! He's such a good brother so you know he's gotta be the best caretaker. He'd make you soup and bring you anything and everything you need. Medicine from Bubu Pharmacy? Say less, he'll be back in five minutes. Craving a specific food? He'll go buy or make it for you, it doesn't matter if it's the middle of the night.

He tells a lot of jokes and stories, too. Anything to brighten your mood or make you feel even the tiniest bit less awful. He'll talk until his voice gets hoarse if it helps, then drink some tea and pick up where he left off.

He brings you the softest blankets and pillows and is more than happy to cuddle with you. He just laughs when you say he'll get sick; his immune system is surprisingly good, and he doesn't care. Even if he does get sick, it's worth it to comfort his beloved.

Just. Soft Childe.

Writing Masterlist 🐝 Requests Open!  Tag List 🐝 @mossmosis

[meatsex]

hi im sorry if this is weird to ask and you definately dont have to answer, but how did you start transitioning? im sure its different outside the us, but i guess i mean like more how did you get the "courage" to ig? im just now in my early 20s and i want to start before its "too late", but im just worried abt so much shit surrouding it (family, my job, school, etc) and it stops me everytime i get close to trying to

im sorry, idk i just remeber seein your top surgery pics a while back and thought abt asking for a bit cause im kinda alone in this. its okay if you dont respond, ik this might be like a hard subject

hello, this isnt a weird question at all, especially if you find yourself in a situation where you feel alone about this matter.

before i begin, obviously none of the things i say are a guide or should be taken as exact reference, they are just my experience, precautions i took and things i realized/explored; this will also be LONG

i began transitioning around 2016 (i was 19-20 iirc), this is when i began to reconsider my gender and how i saw myself, i wasnt sure about my stance on myself so i used the label genderfluid as that was what felt right atm, i wasnt sure if i really wanted to be a guy or just felt like it every so often; back then i only confided this information to my then boyfriend

i began using a different name online, tried different clothing and also got my hair cut way short for the first time, basically tried and experienced, i was also used to crossplaying often (cosplaying male characters)

in 2018 i was fully set with the idea i wanted to be a man, id fully take on the role of one online and i had already told other friends i trusted about this

i stopped using the label of genderfluid by this time as well, i also tried binding a bit but it was complicated for me so it wasnt long lived but definitely helped in settling the idea of what i wanted

in 2020-2021 i came out to my parents, i tested the waters *a lot* first, i brought up topics like having transgender friends or similar too see how they would react, luckily they both did positively. after this i felt confident in telling everyone else irl

in 2022 i got my legal name change (the process in Argentina is basically a re-enacment of your birth certification with your preferred name and gender, i dont know if this is different or the same elsewhere), and in 2023 i got top surgery, the overall healing process was around 6 months, i did require aid for things like getting up from bed and eating

i was freshly 26 for my surgery by 2023, what im trying to say is for some people its something that could take a lot of time while others might find instantly this is their correct way to feel and be, but its also never too late or never too early and its also okay to change your mind and go back on how you felt, utimately its your decision to take

truthfully you will have to think and consider hard in which areas and with which people you feel safe sharing your gender, some people might not be open to the idea and depending on the circumstances it might not be worth the risk (like at a job or school) unless you have a backup plan to fall onto if it comes to a worst case scenario; i hid these things from my family for a lot of time (especially my internet-disconnected, right-leaning dad)

i think "closet" transitioning or just taking small steps that can be subtle to others is a good idea if you are still unsure about your situation and/or environment, in the sense of exploring ideas, terms, feelings, and with things like trying on different clothes or changing the way you present yourself in a smaller scale (like friends you trust or online presence)

i think its also important i was an adult by this time, therefore (as stupid as this sounds because it is) i had more credibility in the eyes of others to my emotions and how i felt, but this is something that depends and varies with the environment you are in and the people that surround you

ultimately it truly never is late or early, its okay if you try it and change your mind, no one is going to punish you for it and no one is entitled to how you feel about yourself other than you; i hope this helped in any way and if not feel free to ask again about more specific ideas or topics regarding this

[ottiliere]

hello! ur posts on the vagus nerve and its connections to digestions have encouraged me to do a lil mini dissertation thingy kinda focused on it/around it, ur big thread on PVT and everything really piqued my interest when i read it and i just held onto it for like a year or smthing until like last week when i started the project. Ik u said recently in one of ur posts i believe that ur not going to post the big dirk PVT post and im not here to be like yo post it because i also think u said that ur kinda moving away from like hs/dirky stuff rn ?? (im forgetting if i saw that sorry) but yeah i just wanted to say thank u etc etc, like ive never done an ask before so sorry if this is phrased weirdly but ur blog is just like one of those blogs that fundamentally changed how i view certain things in life for the better lol, like whether its ur beautiful representations / depictions of mental health in like just beautifully painted art (seriously the way u make it look like idk how to word it cartoony/really 2d but then it stands out against the background + if u zoom in and see the tiny pixel details == it makes me mad) or just like the huggeee long form posts that i like to chew on and save cuz theres so many details that AFFAAT like the way you talk abt the topics u portray has made me concious of how i would want to do so in the same way ig u get me. anyway this got really long and idk if i come across coherently, but ur just a random person on the internet whos art and written thoughts that u decide to share makes me happy when i see it == makes me pace around my room and distract me from this fat essay lmao so tldr: i really appreciate what u do + i hope like that ur doing well and that u keep arting and thoughting no matter what it is that u choose to focus on

(uve made me comitted to reading jthm, playing psychonauts and giving jjba w/ dio another go lmao) 🫶🫶

Hello! I’m sorry this reply is coming so late, this ask in particular is very sweet and has stuck out to me.

I’m really happy to have introduced you to PVT, this is something I’ve heard from a few different people on here and it’s very sweet… I did my thesis on it in college and the time really flew by while working on it, things you don't think could possibly attributed to "nerve issues" being nerve issues is always an eye-opener, isn't it? being able to research things that interest you & access information in general really is a privilege in this day and age.

“The topics [I] portray” are very important to me, so it’s heartening when others take interest in spite of the obvious deterrents. A lot of what I love making art about is unpalatable to most, and while I do understand the reasons for that on principle, it can make things feel a little insular. I genuinely believe there’s a lot of value in depicting tableaus of misery.

The last year has brought a lot of very unforeseen changes, and my life is quite different from when I initially made this blog to post about him! That’s also part of why I’ve been so sparse here…though I’m working to change that quite soon. I love sharing my work, and I’ve had the privilege of meeting some truly wonderful people through this website. That said…with where I’m at now, I’m not sure I’ll be posting the Dirk essay anytime soon, I’m afraid.

I’ve undertaken a few ongoing projects, one of which in particular is an original project I plan on sharing publicly here hopefully within the next month or so. I hope it’s something you & anyone else who’s stuck around with me here will enjoy, but failing that, I’ve really enjoyed working on it thus far.

Thank you for the sweet ask, take care, and good luck with your project!

[dearweirdme]

(warning, this got way longer than anticipated sorry)

ik this is probably a dead topic to you and i apologize for bringing it up again but i was just rewatching the leaked jk videos of him in his apartment with that girl bc i saw some discourse abt it in another tkk blog’s comments. some jk stan who’s convinced he’s straight, that he was sleeping arnd/had a girlfriend, and that we’re all delusional came in the comments and basically started stirring shit lol. they mentioned they believed he was dating that tattoo artist girl who he was photographed w his arms arnd as well. but i thought she had a bf at the time of that pic being released? idk fs tho and that pic def gave off close friend vibes to me?

anyways, seeing the discourse made me go back and watch the video again and the more i watch it the more conflicted i get. like he is rlly all over her. arms wrapped all around her and walking holding her from behind like that. ofc it’s POSSIBLE that they’re just friends especially if he is gay/queer (ik that kind of physical affection is more typically acceptable between queer men and straight women than when both parties are straight). but to me for some reason it seems improbable and like that’s just an excuse to keep myself believing in tkk ? like really…we’re convincing ourselves him and the girl he had at his apartment at night alone w him are just friends when almost everyone and their mother would see that as clearly romantic and crossing platonic boundaries ? he’s THAT close, comfortable, and affectionate w a girl he’s just friends with ?

lol subconsciously i feel like im probably submitting this to ur account hoping ur response will give me reassurance that the interaction was not romantic even when it’s likely that it was. to me the video is clearly real and it is actually jungkook so that’s not at all the part that im debating about, but just the nature of the interaction ig ? like how long am i going to convince myself he’s queer and w taehyung when theres a lot that implies otherwise…

but then i think back on the reasons why i believe in tkk and that makes me even more confused lol. bc if i tell myself to just accept that jk is straight/not romantically involved w taehyung then idk how to make sense of many of tkk’s interactions either. like the kappa sweethearts tshirt is the one that rlly gets me for some reason. bc there’s no shot it was a coincidence they were wearing such a specific niche tshirt on the same day at the same time too. and why would friends wear matching literal “sweethearts” tshirts? they wouldn’t right? ik other ppl value the dream premiere and other moments more but those tshirts are so unarguable that it’s something i always circle back to. like to me saying their clothes at the dream premiere were intentionally queer coded is not something that is necessarily factually true. it’s more so an assumption after extensively digging into the background of their clothes which they may or may not have even noticed/intended. that to me could be argued as a coincidence but the kappa shirts are 100% the same specific tshirt and it was 100% the same day. that being a coincidence is less likely to me.

the other thing is the way they keep their friendship/relationship so much more under wraps than the others. but maybe that’s something we’ve just convinced ourselves of when maybe they haven’t rlly been that private/secretive abt it? idk i just go round and round in circles. i’ll come to a point where i feel SO sure that tkk are romantically together (especially with how explicit tae is w his support of the queer community) but then i’ll see some shit like that video of jk in his apartment w a girl and the whole thing gets derailed.

sorry i’ve just talked in circles atp and i could probably go back and forth w more examples for forever but yeah idk just wanted to hear your thoughts bc idk how you’re able to stay so secure in believing they are together. and i don’t think u seem like the type to just continuously convince urself of something that is delusional through confirmation bias and disregard of opposing evidence.

Hi anon!

Yeah, you probably ar submitting this because you want me to reassure you 😊 and that’s totally fine honestly. I mean, we are invested in Tae and Jk and stuff can really become complicated and confusing at times. Being confused is never a great feeling and you just want to not feel confused.

I need things to be realistic myself as well. I don’t need Jk and Tae to be together, I basically just think they are. I’m not afraid to step away from them if I feel they’re no longer together (or.. if they never were). And I will definitely let everyone know if/when I ever feel like something is off (and right after that I will hide because Jkkrs and anti’s will come for my head 😂).

To me it is all about the things I know for sure. Like Tae wearing that t-shirt for instance.. on the same day as Jk when he shot that mv. To me that is something strong and real talking in favor of them being together. Same goes for other situations: Tae and Jk at that hotel after/before Dubai, Jk singing that song to Tae, BH acting weird about them (and them alone), the way Tae constantly mentions Jk… and I could go on for a while probably. Those are actual things we have witnessed.. things that are real and when you look at the whole of it.. things that are consistent and that we have witnessed for a prolonged duration of time.

When I look at the footage of supposedly Jk with that girl, I see a person backhugging a girl for a real short amount of time. I have no context, I have no clue about there being more people or not. I can also clearly see that the footage is manipulated. I know it was released at a shady timing, with the purpose of harming him. I know that there’s an actual platform where people who hate him gather and plan stuff like this.

So when I put what I know is true about Jk and Tae next to what I know of that footage… the scale just tips over. I do not trust shady footage more than I trust what I know of Jk and Tae. And I might be wrong.. absolutely. But I just don’t think I am.

If I had no knowledge about Tae and Jk before seeing that footage.. maybe I wouldn’t have secondguessed it as well. But, I do have that other knowledge and therefore if I see something that goes against that.. I look at what’s fed to me more critically.

I don’t know if this has settled your mind anon. Personally I always feel fine with not having all the answers, but I can also understand that can be real unsettling. Maybe try and land in the ‘I don’t know for now’ zone for a bit?

[sugar-omi]

Incoming ramble I wanna hear you’re thoughts on this cause it’s been on my brain for a little bit and it’s got me in my feels

K so I forget if it’s in the step 3 prologue or in the Drive moment but either way when on the topic of Cove leaving for Nevada every now and again and choosing how your MC feels about it there’s the option to choose that it makes you sad and nervous specifically because the little 8 year old in you (who remember was probably HORRENDOUSLY lonely) was scared that Cove was gonna leave and never come back

Now that option alone already gets to me (cause I relate to it hard cough cough) but just imagine the MC actually confessing to Cove about that fear!! Obviously the MC doesn’t want to make Cove stop going cause yknow he’s literally going to see his own mom but MC also can’t deny that there’s that sad lonely little kid inside their head who just doesn’t want to be left alone again so they’re kinda just stuck in the dilemma. But soon enough after feeling well enough to admit it they finally tell Cove about it and get to actually work it out!!!

It just- AUGH ITS GOT ME EMOTIONAL MAN I CANT-

cove would actually feel so relieved omg bc it makes him sad too and he misses you, ofc ik he says that no matter what but I think he also worries abt leaving n nevering coming back

very traumatized from the move after his mom n dad divorced n he tried to run away bc he missed krya, yk 😟

reassures you that he'll always come back, and that if that did happen he'd prbly try to run away to see you LOL

would offer to take you with him!!! if you're dating ofc you need to work it out w his mom a bit more than necessary but she wouldn't mind if you stayed over or came to hang out w them

I imagine krya spends a Lotta time at work anyway since she can't be on leave the entire time he visits, so she'd be relieved that he has someone to keep him conpany

he talks abt you so much anyway, it's like you're basically there w them already

if you can't or don't want to go with him, he'd video call you sm more

sends lots of pictures n texts and voice messages

tells you basically everything abt his day and sends gm and gn texts

NO VOICE MESSAGES

omg...

coves sleepy, raspy voice saying "good morning" (

sounds like this, would even call you sunshine like sonny did!!!😭😭

I'm falling apart

mmm if he's gone a long time he'd prbly even come see you, or meet you half way

which is stressful bc he has a long drive but he would bc he's crazy abt you

omg gives you a shirt of his.

BUYS MATCHING SHIRTS

omg and asks you what you're wearing every day until you say that shirt n he wears it like "omg!!! what a coincidence!!!!" babe we know u did it on purpose PLEASE

sends you flowers

n by send you flowers I mean asks his dad to pick up some flowers and deliver them to you

sends his dad money too but cliff would prbly pay for them once or twice bc he thinks this is so chge n send the money back to cove so cove is like "dad!!!" n just makes an order on his card bc his dad is so stubborn😭😭

cliff is actually in love w your guys relationship he's so happy,,, pls

I should write some hc's on how cliff feels abt you guys dating bc my man's is so happy!!!! pls. OK anyway

OMG YOU VIDEO CALL N EAT TOGETHER

will ask what you're eating n have the same thing if he can

OMG HE PICKS UP ONE TIME AND HE'S RUNNING ACROSS THE STREET N HES LIKE "WAIT DONT EAT YET I GOTTA PICK UP THE FOOD"

n you can just see his chin, the sky and then it's like kinda black n then for some reason u can see the floor and then he's like "sorry" and he starts running back to his car AGAIN

and so he delicately places the phone down n is panting n just goes, "sorry. I'm ready now" *throws his head back* "omg gimme a minute... man. climbing thru your window really came in handy"

KISSES THE SCREEN

big "mmmmwaahhh!!!"

or tiny "mweh", no in between

falling asleep on the phone too

WOULD TUCK THE PHONE IN.. OMG STOP IT

he's totally normal abt you I swear

[stupendousfoxthing]

if there were to be video or something that came out of jk doing something clearly romantic w a girl, would u think we misinterpreted tkk all this time and were just reading into their interactions way too much? or would u maybe believe they were together at one point and ended it? maybe they’d be in an open relationship? or maybe it rlly was for show?

i didn’t follow ur blog at the time of when the shitstorm happened w the sasaeng taking a video of jk and a girl in his apartment (ik it’s an old topic but it’s one of the only things that gets in the way of tkk for me) but i’m interested to know ur take on whether that video was a romantic interaction or could’ve been just friendly? i believe it was 100% a real video and at first i was so heartbroken and confused abt tae and jk’s relationship. i grappled back and forth w the nature of the interaction in the sasaeng video for a while but the more i watched it the more i thought okay wait it’s like a 15 second video taken super out of context of just one location in his apartment where u can’t even rlly see if they’re alone or what happened prior. and it could be platonic (there were pics of him back hugging his female tattoo artist who was just a friend) especially if he’s not straight and the girl knows about that? i feel like there’s a lot more leeway w platonic physical affection between women and queer men than with straight men (even tho ik of friendships between both straight men and women that are also physically affectionate but still totally platonic). however, i sometimes feel like that sounds like me just rationalizing why it may not be romantic and being in denial. idk bc i don’t want to blindly believe in tkk but i can’t explain away tae and jk’s interactions as being totally platonic either so then i get super conflicted.

sorry ik this is rambling atp and it may be a topic u don’t want to address anymore but i’d love to hear ur interpretation of that whole scenario and how it affected ur beliefs and views on jk/tkk

It would be very hard to convince me now that there wasn't something between Taekook at some point, and it certainly wouldn't all be undone by a clearly romantic something between Jungkook and a girl. You definitely would not be able to convince me that what they did was "for show". Their relationship is authentic no matter what the nature of that relationship is. I've been a Taekooker for a long time now and I think I'm older than the average here. I not only have plenty of receipts for my belief in Taekook, I have context for all of those receipts because I was here when it happened. I was much more active on Twitter when the tattoo artist "scandal" happened, and I actually got tagged with a few of my TK friends by the first shady accounts trying to spread it. When I think back on that time, I just feel bad for everyone involved. Even the tattoo studio staff, who were harassed mercilessly and had their shop vandalized. That had much bigger impact than the recent video, but it's funny because when I saw the convo around that I was just thinking I've already seen him back hugging a woman. If that was enough to debunk Taekook I would have bailed in 2019. The intention of this rumor was exactly the same as well. It follows the same pattern as every other. Post something with no context and that's actually not proof of anything, but spin some wild stories about it. It's very easy with interactions between a man and a woman. Every person I see still posting it everywhere says the woman in the video is his pregnant gf. That's obviously not true. People freaked out because they were told more was coming. That didn't happen. I agree with a lot of your second paragraph. I don't put more weight on interactions just because they're between a man and a woman. I do think it's weird that a few seconds without any context would be enough to question just because it is a man and a woman. I've had plenty of interactions like that with male friends I had no romantic feelings about. Hell, when I was Jungkook's age if a stalker wanted to they could have gotten video of me hugging and kissing people I also had no romantic interest in and never dated. That informs my perspective on things. It's not just heteronormative, it's all a little puritanical to me. I actually wasn't blogging here until a few weeks ago so you're my first ask about this. I appreciate your message. After days of nothing, I got yours and then another (which I'm not going to post because it was obviously someone trying to start shit) a couple of hours later about the exact same topic, so I was a little sus about people trying to troll. But your questions were asked in good faith so I wanted to answer genuinely. Hope you're having a good weekend. ❤️

[sanchoyo]

Hello there friend...I'm silly tired and it's the middle of the night so this might not be coherent but I saw ur tags on that religion vs non post. Just wanted to say I know where ur coming from. I'm sorry that happened to u, that was a terribly presumptuous and unhelpful thing for them to do. I went thru something similar when my cat died, just to a lesser extent. I was told, in a well meaning comforting way, that she wouldn't suffer anymore, and my bitter grief stricken response was "she doesn't EXIST anymore. She's gone forever" bc I don't believe in the afterlife either.

OHHH sending u love for this <33 I was half awake and mad abt it but honestly its been like 2 months and im Fine with it now. (well maybe not FINE. still angry but it doesn't feel RAW anymore, like I can talk about it now) what's kind of funny is, I normally do like to talk about religion and the subject of an afterlife! it's something me and my sister have talked about a lot (not entirely sure what label she'd use now, but she used to be really into witchy stuff, so spiritual/religious topics would be fun to discuss between us, I am still spiritual in...weird ways...) it's just. there's a time and a place!! when he is dying and I am grieving is NOT the time or place!!!

It's so annoying when people around here assume I MUST be some flavor of christian because we're in the bible belt. like it doesn't even occur to them that I might not be. I have had people talk to me at previous jobs about how much jesus loves me and how he'll make things go well for me, and during those times I just kind of smiled and nodded along (I have to assume they want to tell me, specifically, these things because they see the Blue Hair and Pronouns vibes and feel...compelled...?? which like. lol???) like my mom took me being gay super well, much better than me telling her I wasn't a christian!! she CRIED over that!! and that didn't bother me so much because it's about me, right? and I don't care what happens to me after I die. it comes up a lot, where I am. people are fanatic about it, so I'm used to it.

but when it was about my precious dog, that really got me...the way those vets handled it was the only time I've been actively so annoyed and upset by it. the fact his pawprint came embedded in a little booklet thing that had a whole long ramble about how he's so happy and waiting for me to arrive REALLY upset me.

I totally get how 'she won't suffer anymore' could have set off the same thing, ugh, my heart goes out to you for that. funnily enough that was the only little phrase that DID bring me comfort. because my boy was suffering a lot his last few weeks, and not existing...put a stop to that pain. but it also put a stop to everything good, right? which sucks. like obviously I would have preferred him being ALIVE and not suffering, but that wasn't possible, so...that felt better than 'you'll see him again in heaven/he'll get to see jesus/rainbow road' stuff, in a way, for me. I just..knew it was his time and it would have been irresponsible and selfish for me to let him go slow and painfully.

it's just like...different things help different people. maybe the idea that dogs go to heaven helped the vets, as many animals as they likely put down, it makes it easier for them, I assume. and I'm glad if they had something like that to comfort them. I'm kind of jealous of it, honestly. I honestly want to give them a bit of grace for it, they were otherwise very kind and handled things well...

But they weren't the ones losing a best friend so they shouldn't have said it out loud. They can comfort themselves with that in their minds and keep things non-religious with clients. a very bitter and still-angry part of me wants to write the owner of that place a letter chewing them out for it. I won't but-- the idea of it makes me feel a little better lol. mentally being a karen and having a big dramatic fit in my brain only is very cathartic.

(I'm also open to the idea of reincarnation in some way, and I DO hope I can meet him again, somehow...it's just really really hard for me to imagine a christian 'heaven' scenario, lmao) I've been lucky enough to see him again in my dreams though, (those do still make me cry when I wake up and realize it wasn't real aaa ;_; ) and i'm lucky to have a lot of pictures and videos of him, as long as I'm alive he'll be alive in a sense, in my memories, and that's a lot of comfort. I can still speak fondly of him and see him in those ways, even if I'll never be able to really be with him again, never hold him again or play with him again. and I got 15 years with him, which I try to be grateful for. I tried my best to give him the best life I could. And I'll always have so many fond memories and so much love for him, and I'm sure the same goes for your kitty. <3

silly boy in his silly little hut ☝

[utterdrip]

oooh if rambling is ok can i say a little something that veers maybe into overthinking territory abt early game astarion like you mentioned... a little farewell take before i stop bothering you fr ahsbdifn but we are vibing so hard on this i think

i think running an astarion origin playthrough at least in act 1 is a really interesting look into how he feels about the people around him, at least in terms of trust that early on. so like, you know how you get the option to confess to vampirism to any companion at any time starting the moment you recruit them? the narrator's dialogue and the confession changes based on your approval with that character. it only takes 20/barely out of neutral territory for origin astarion to think of his relationship to someone as "a strong bond" and he has to roll charisma not to fumble the confession after waiting a while to really trust in their acceptance. which is so sad!! hardly hitting medium approval is still close enough for him to consider the relationship a fairly strong one.

it’s kind of interesting to flip that around and think of his perspective on his relationship with the player character by the same measure when he's a companion, because ur SO right, it genuinely does not take much at all for their connection to overshadow. basically anything he's experienced in a long time. his approval sometimes jumps MASSIVELY just for listening to him and humoring some of his jokes, and being ok with his vampirism on top of that can rocket you straight into high approval. all of that means so much to him, where a lot of his other approval changes dealing with stuff out in the world net you a +/-1 most of the time.

it just seems like it really doesn't take long for him to think pretty highly of someone, imo! not that he knows how to approach that. for exactly the reasons you said: this is the first time in a very long time people (at least for the most part) aren’t outright dismissing or belittling him, and once his vampirism is out, he’s being tolerated if not accepted after revealing something that could very easily have gotten him killed if trusted to the wrong people. he gets to talk about things he probably hasn’t vocalized to anyone, ever, about cazador and his past and is potentially met with sympathy instead of scorn, and he’s free to joke about comparatively lighter topics like blood tasting menus or his more morbid “best ways to die” conversation. he’s still obviously on edge for so many reasons, but he’s also… kind of happy? vibing? experiencing some manner of positive emotion toward others? it’s so novel and unfamiliar to him to be treated like a whole person with inherent worth AS a person (rather than valued for his utility or some consumable aspect of himself) and have an entire group of people actually looking out for him, just as they reasonably trust him to look out for them, all without some kind of humiliating price tag attached.

like no wonder he’s suuuuper disoriented and flip-flops hard between vulnerability and trying to manipulate people well into act 2, even if he does like them. he just came out of a 200 year You Are Not A Person And Nobody Care You torture matrix and now people are treating him like a person and caring abt him. but he still feels like he has to pull strings to stay on top of things to survive because that’s how the world still makes any sense to him. idk. anyways! thank you again!! 🫡 i super didn’t mean for this to be an essay so like if you read any of that at all. i owe u my life.

OMG IM SO SORRY IM JUST NOW SEEING THIS IM USUALLY ON MOBILE AND IT MUSTVE GOT LOST IN MY NOTIFS

anyways hello friendo . i have read all of this i lov u and this ask OKAY PLEASE U ARE NOT BOTHERING ME WHEN I TELL U I LOVE THIS SHIT CMON!!!!!!!

okay so This Hurt Me because like. its true! astarion's main approvals early game are just. accepting him . as he is. his weird ass fucking conversations. not enforcing bitchass szarr's meal restrictions. not putting up with obvious manipulators (dream visitor aside because thats Power that he can use(even if u say u dont trust them tho he doesnt disapprove he just calls u my username LOL)) (u get +5 for threatening mizora and raphael) protecting the rest of ur companions from ppl that want to hurt them. protecting HIM from people that want him. like all of those are +5s/+10s and the only other +5 i can think of early game is letting him open the doors to the barn LOL and abdiraks display

but what im saying is like his main approvals are u protecting him, accepting him, and then like vocally and actively showing this off as opposed to passively if that makes sense. like i think a big part of it is being able to see someone who has no part of his old life, his old horrors, but still knows about them care for him. and also letting him make decisions. i dont like how i phrased it as "let" but idk how else to get that point across lol

like i was saying previously he'd really only been around vampires and those he seduced for centuries --so yeah hes gonna be a little warped. and those vampires were moreso "putting up" with him and he knows it. so to have you, a non-vampire, play along with his more,,, "macabre" conversations must be just. startling. because you two dont even have that common factor of vampirism, yanno? but being open to talking abt what ur companions taste like/how you would want 2 die must just be such a pleasant delight.,,,

"humiliating price tag" broke my HEART NONNIE BECAUSE YOURE SO RIGHT like that is obviously how he thinks of himself and his worth !!! like if u make him bite araj afterwards hes like "i didnt even second guess you telling me to do it. but afterwards it made me realize that im still primed to take orders" which is so-- aughuruhghgurugh.

and honestly i think manipulation is more than just a survival tactic in his life like its just . how he operates. so like u said in act ii where he is seesawing WILDLY between being as honest as he is capable of being to the point of vulnerability vs feeling like he needs to have the "upper hand" in his relationship with the player to guarantee his safety -- honestly i see this a lot in act i with the conversations u can have. because if ur having fun with him and not dismissing him, his last lines of the dialogue always seem like he stops himself midthought and is like "Wait. Must Manipulate" and turns on the charm and i lov it so so much because even earliest of early game in act i u can catch him off guard like that

because thats the thing right is that relationships, to him, early game is very much always going to contain a power imbalance. and its so so sosososooooooooooooooo amazing to see how clearly he was trying to be the one to Hold power, while still Feeling like he's the one being used -- he's manipulating us Into using him for protection, because thats the only thing he thinks he can offer. because relationships NEED to have some sort of offer to be worth it. but i was gonna say its amazing to see how that perception of relationships evolves thru the acts and how act ii confession scene and act iii post cazador scene hes holding himself as an equal to the player

does this make sense listen u ramble i ramble back this is our relationship nonnie

[lemonade-luvr]

I MEAN THATS AS FAR AS I KNOW. to be fair all i’ve heard abt it is You fucking hallucinate shit .thats literally it .

where the fuck did i get the idea you were having hallucinations then......... hmmm. however, i also dont get many hallucinations! at least not visual ones. im much more privy to tactile and auditory stuff!

im gonna infodump. autistic style. and if i accidentally desstroy your worldview, im so sorry. you have been warned.

IT GOT REALLY LONG SORRY FUCKKKKKKKK

schizophrenia is actually very similar to an autism diagnosis! at least from an outside perspective. it comes with flat tone and struggles with facial expressions and all that jazz! it can also make it really hard to think and leads to a very scattered mind??? idk how to describe it . because of the . well we call it brain scramble! i think its called something like word salad though.

the main defining thing about schizophrenia is the presence of psychosis, which is further defined by hallucinations, delusions and paranoia o^_^o

hallucinations CAN include seeing stuff that isnt there, though thats a really simple understanding of visual hallucinations. the visual hallucinations i tend to get are stuff in the corner of my eye and the walls kinda.. Shifting. nothing immediately distressing. but i know there are people with way more scarier things going on.

auditory hallucinations are something i experience a lot more, and theyre just.. hearin stuff that wasnt ever there. my brain loves the discord notification sound and like. splatoon sound effects. sometimes i hear someone yell the body's name!

there are also tactile hallucinations which is feeling a sensation that wasnt real. we get these ones the most. a good example isssss well rn im getting The Bugs. like buddy theres no bugs here you are feeling hair probably and yet even then i still feel it eugh eugh eugh. our headmates can make use of our tactile hallucinations to give me pats on the head though, which is nice o^_^o

delusions are simply believing something that isnt true wholeheartedly. i dont reallly like to share mine because im scared of people playing into them or thinking theyre cringe BUT i will share that we have fully believed ourselves to be in future london before. which is really fucking funny you are allowed to think this is funny. we are in the wrong country for that buddy. you can be fully aware that somethiing isnt true and still believe it! its fucked up! they should make that illegal. these are the mind killer i hate these little bastardsssssss... delusions are very versatile. its also like thinking mundane things are signs.... theres a lot to say on delusions.

paranoia is the one thats really easy to comprehend its just intense and unfounded anxiety. me when i overthink everything to death. me when everyone on the bus knows im gay.

also it makes it really hard to Word Shit. sometimes i cannot comprehend the english language despite it being the only one i fucking know. On that Topic. Sorry if this is Incomprehensible. i actually genuinely Cannot Tell. its usually fine but sometimes i just feel like i cant get ANYTHING across correctly.

impaired motor coordination is also a thing? which makes it hard for me to type sometimes and also do things like, idk, drink my monster energy without spilling it and pissing off charles. sorry charles. damn. UH theres also a lot of repetitive behaviours, and catatonia. it can come with memory issues and FATIGUE BIIIIITCH and BUDDY am i FEELING the fatigue today. AUGH AUGH AUGH.

oki think thats all i have to say on the matter unless u have questions

i feel so fucking nuts right now i dont know if its the rush of i just got to infodump or if im manic :sosonormal: <you are manic <thanks babygirl in my head. god i hope this is comprehensible

ONE TWENTY ONE GUNS 💥

[hiraya-rawr]

thinking abt the inazuma quests and i think traveller’s reluctance to help during the vision hunt decree is bc before they went to inazuma there was the “we will be reunited” quest where the abyss sibling told them not to find them until their journey’s over, even though the traveller was so willing to drop teyvat and leave with their abyss sibling that very second. i think that encounter rattled them so much that they became more laser focused in just getting to the end goal and not the journey itself (something yoimiya commented on when she said that the traveller looked tired lately)

also also!! i believe it was brought up that bc the vision hunt decree only affected a small percentage of the population, it was hard to drum up support from the average person about something that didnt affect them which is why the state of inazuma got so bad (at least thats my interpretation)

im also an Ayaka Defender bc i will die on the hill that she was NOT a manipulative person and there was only so much that she could do as a person of her position bc outright defying the shogun would have tanked the yashiro commission/kamisato clan’s reputation and put them in danger. also i think she def would have let the traveller go if they still declined to help even after seeing the effects of the vision hunt decree (but then at that point there would be no story also very callous on traveller’s part bc as previous anon mentioned, they also have friends who are vision holders)

agdjshdlhdjs im so sorry abt the long message!! i have a lot of feelings abt the inazuma archon quests and while i do admit there are flaws in the writing, i think a lot of ppl dont realize how complex of a situation being entrenched in politics and war can be. anyways ty for reading my brainrot and i hope u have a good day 💕

this is so well said!! especially ayaka's part. the traveller was one of the only people she could think of to help and she did what she can to get them to help, not that she manipulated them—

and i totally agree! inazuma made me feel things and i actually made a whole rant about it back then, i remember not posting it because it was breaching sensitive topics on politics and puppet democracy things 😅 i think hoyoverse did well to compress such a turbulent scenario into a short archon quest. this was a whole war with different sides we were suddenly in and just wow

anyway i wouldnt want to make this any longer but thank you for sending in your thoughts <33 you summarized what i hoped to say aaaah

[trainingdummyrabbit]

Hehe hi Pik :0 I'll give you three questions for your ask game and you can pick out whatever you want to answer <:]

What are your thoughts on Kaigaku? I know he's a bit of spoiler territory but I'm curious .. or maybe what are your thoughts on Muichiro? You decide!

A question just for me, though ,, do YOU have a favorite bird? .., !!

oh abolutely HYSTERICAL to give a pick scenario and then lay down topics that will instantly get me to talk for hours on end at the drop of a hat KSJNGFKDJNGKD

so!! the easy one!! my favorite bird, ithink, is between the mourning dove and the house sparrow! they are not terribly glamorous but i love them so so dearly and will instantly cheer up when i think about them :')

as for the character questions. thank you for enabling me HJBSJFBJD

i could very very easily write an entire goddamn essay about Either of them, but for the sake of saving whatever brevity i can manage to keep, ill save talking abt mui for when That Episode(tm) drops whenever it does, because inevitebly, i will be Absolutely Inconsolable and it Will happen anyway KJNDKGDF

instead, for now, under a cut because this preamble is already paragraphs long... kaigaku.

i fucking hate this man. i cannot stand him, hes the worst, he is so fucking stupid, i think about him fucking constantly, and he is one of my favorites. he is so fucking insufferable, and i love him!

ok so. getting into kny, i was like. immediately a zenitsu liker. like i saw him and went "god. fuck. shit. its gonna be this nerd i dont even know about yet and i can feel it already." (i was right.) which is Crucial to knowing the angle here. and when i got to his part in th manga, i . genuinely dont remember if i even thought too hard about him. i dont even remember when i Did, i just know that he Wasnt there, and then he Was, and he Never Fucking Left KSJNKDJGN

which is very very fucking funny, considering... how much of a character he straight up Isnt.

like yeah! he sure does show up in a flashback and then fights zen and dies about it! it takes like, a two chapters max! and the entire time, his only character trait is "bitch for no reason." like... that sure isn't a lot to go off of. so like... why? i guess thats kind of the answer in and of itself.

why is he like this? why is he like this?? what made him this way? we know he grew up orphaned, but why? we knew he turned on gyomei's group and ran, but why? we know he trained to be a demon slayer with zen and kuwajima, but why? why, why, why? we just don't know.

we know he's a survivalist. we know that he's willing to go to any lengths, stoop to any lows, just to make it another day. because another day is another chance you get to get them back, to prove them wrong, to rise above it and laugh in their faces and say "see? see what im capable of? bet you feel sorry now."

shame doesnt exist to him. he will make Anything of himself just to make it by. do anything, drop anyone. no connections, impermanence. its clear in flashbacks that, honestly... nobody liked him very much. and like, well, yeah. obviously. he sucks, and he isnt afraid to show it. but isnt that just so strange? broken box of happiness, disatisfaction. he refuses to forge connections, claiming the only people he tolerates are those who respect him, who see his worth.

and that's... the weird thing about him. see, because, the thing is that... i don't fucking believe him for a second. he talks big game, he can back it up, sure, especially as a demon, but... the entire time he talks, every word he says during his confrontation with zen just felt like a bluff. like he's trying to sound threatening, to sound powerful, making a threat display like an animal. every technique he chooses to execute is some new, big, flashy display of his Power, talking, taunting, still taunting.

its a lot of reading between lines, but... this man is a fucking liar. that fight felt different, it felt quick, and well... maybe because it wasn't a fight. this was some guy taking out his anger on someone in a desperate attempt to prove he's worth something.

i just think that this man is a deeply jealous bastard intent on making himself seem larger than he really is, convincing himself that he's the one that's right and it's everyone else that's wrong simply because he can't process just how awful he is.

growing up barely scraping by on his own, of course he'd become painfully self-reliant. of course he would take advantage of anything he could, anyone he could. you'd have to be that self-centered to survive. talk big, act big, nobody will mess with you. nobody can take advantage of you if you take advantage of them first.

and when he gets shown that kindness, being taken in for the first time... of course he'd take advantage of them too. he's hard-wired with instability in mind, so obviously the clear answer is to take what you can and go before something else happens and they get to you first (even if that was never really a threat.) and if they throw you out for it? it's just proof you were right. you were always right, clearly it isn't your fault. and if you happen to throw them under the bus for it... well, obviously they deserved it. there's no reason to think about it anymore.

being with kuwajima was fine. we don't know anything about the earlier days (which im so sad about) but from the looks of it, he was doing fine. about as fine as he could be, at least. he clearly respected him at first, enjoyed being treated as something special, having his work and talents appreciated-- which he did have! he was a staggeringly impressive slayer, but that's an aside-- and even berated zenitsu for supposedly "disrespecting him" by referring to him as jiichan. which. sighs.

so, zenitsu. dynamics Of Ever. honestly, even without the whole Contention there, kai would've just kinda disliked him because he's... motions with hand. look at him. but its the fact that they were considered together that pissed kaigaku off so much. because that implied that they were on the same level when, to him, they so very clearly were not.

zenitsu was annoying. he was weak, whined too much, cried too much, never put in any effot, he was so, so annoying. which made it that much more insulting that jiichan would continue to try to train him. just leave him behind already! he keeps trying to run away, let him! obviously he just isn't good enough. he's not special like he was. and yet, kuwajima kept trying.

and the fact that he did... probably completely went against everything kaigaku saw in the way the world worked. for lack of a better term, he was very "survival of the fittest" minded in that, if you weren't good, you just weren't good. you'd try and struggle and inevitably die off. the world isn't kind, and will take any chance it has to kick you down. that's why you take what you can, when you can.

if you're weak, nobody helps you. if nobody helps you, you either help yourself or die silently. that was what separated the weak and the strong. and you always, always were either one or the other. again, that's his survivalism talking. so, seeing this person he at the very least Respected waste time on some nobody instead of him, expecting something to come of it... well, it was insulting!

and to think that they were even anywhere close enough to put together? to share the title of successor? with this guy? either it meant that kuwajima thought zenitsu was as good as kai was (to him, a laughable idea,) or that kai wasn't any better than some kid who could barely swing a sword. and that was what irritated him the most.

that was the point of their final confrontation. it was kaigaku proving, once and for all, finally, that he was better than zenitsu. was it purely out of hatred for this kid who looked up to him like a brother? was it out of jealousy of someone who got so many kindnesses granted to him despite, to him, not really deserving it? was it just to prove that he was a powerful demon to those who now had their eyes on him, too? whatever it was, at its core... it was laughing in the faces of those who, honestly, genuinely cared about him (and in his eyes, never truly did.)

he could've ended that fight whenever he wanted to-- its even stated in canon that zen wouldve just lost if he was given more time to grow-- but... he just kept showing off. kept talking. it didnt feel like he was using techniques to fit the combat-- it felt like he was showing off what he could do now. he was proving a point. the only thing that stopped him was what he never acknowledged back when they were training together-- that zenitsu did have worth. that he was growing, too. and using what kaigaku refused to acknowledge in him, zenitsu cut him down-- with a symbol of the respect and comraderie that he hoped to have together. a "sorry, aniki."

kaigaku's appearance in canon is less of the role of a character, but as a statement. hes a walking tragedy. he pushes away everything that makes life What It Is in favor of this image of Strength, which is exactly why he becomes-- at first glance-- a caricature. he stops being a person and starts being a Thing. zen tries to keep him in mind as a Person (despite it all) but when he ultimately gives up hope is when the encounter ends. and when kai's role ends as well.

the only thing i still wonder is... does he regret it? in the very depths of his mind, behind all that mess he puts up, after throwing everything away... did he regret it? twice, he was shown care and kindness, and twice he betrayed them. does he know? does he regret it? does he have the capacity to? or has he simply committed so hard to the role he was given-- to the role he put himself in-- that he simply cannot fathom a world in which he was the problem? could it have been different?

put simply... what the fuck is wrong with him?

. anyway, heres a bunch of posts that remind me of him.