#sorry if your fave isn’t here but I only have 9 options

[grailfinders]

Fate and Phantasms #184

Oh shit we’re a day late. Sorry. Now that Summer’s over, Fate and Phantasms is heading out to Shimousa, starting with the Archer of Inferno! You know the deal by this point; true name spoilers and build breakdown below the cut, character sheet over here, but still expect a little bit of spoilage because you can’t spread out a character over 20 levels and not spoil a bit about them.

Next up: I thought the ghost of an occultist driving a car made by a talking lion would be the most convoluted character design for a while. I was wrong.

Tomoe Gozen is a Battle Master Fighter to talk with her fists and throw people around as well as a Hunter Ranger to get her fiery arrows and to specialize in fighting massive crowds.

Race and Background

Tomoe is kind of halfway between an oni and a human, never quite at home in either world. Thankfully that’s exactly what Tieflings are as well, so getting her race is pretty easy. As a Mephistopheles Tiefling she gets +1 Dexterity and +2 Wisdom, Darkvision for night raids, Hellish Resistance to fire damage (it would be awkward if you died to your own inferno), and the Legacy of Cania. This gives you the Mage Hand cantrip immediately, with one casting of Burning Hands and Flame Blade with your Charisma per long rest at third and fifth level respectively.

As the wife of a Lord, you’re the definition of a Noble, giving you proficiency with History and Persuasion. People just like you, y’know?

Ability Scores

Step one; Dexterity. You’re an archer, this shouldn’t come as a surprise that this is pretty high. (I mean I say that, but there’s ton of archers that don’t use bows, so...) Anyways, second is Strength. You throw people around like sacks of potatoes, so you gotta be pretty good at lifting them. Go with Wisdom as your third highest ability. Large scale battles are hectic, you’ve got to have a sharp eye to do your best work in them.  Your Constitution isn’t half bad, oni tend to be able to take a beating. Your Intelligence isn’t that high purely because we need other stuff more, so we’re dumping Charisma. You’re a bit awkward no matter which side of the family you’re talking to.

Class Levels

Ranger 1: Starting off as a ranger gives you plenty of goodies, including plenty of proficiencies, like Strength and Dexterity saves, plus three skills; Insight and Perception to read your enemies and Athletics to make it easier to haul them around. First level rangers also become Deft Explorers, which makes you Canny with athletics. That doubles your proficiency bonus for extra oni strength when you push and pull objects. You can also set a Favored Foe as a bonus action, dealing an extra d4 of damage once per turn after hitting them with an attack. You can do this proficiency times per long rest, and the damage grows as you level up.

Ranger 2: At second level, you gain the Archery fighting style for an extra +2 to your ranged attack rolls. The archer class is really made up of archers, huh? You also learn how to cast Spells using your Wisdom to cast them. Theoretically. You don’t actually have any spells that bother with that. At first level you can use Longstrider to move around the battlefield easier and Absorb Elements to add a little bit of fire to your arrows immediately. That helps less than the other elements since you’re already resistant to fire damage, but we suffer for our art here. Well, you do.

Ranger 3: Making it all the way to third level without burning out grants you entrance to a shiny new conclave, and the Hunter conclave turns you into a Horde Breaker when you take the subclass, specializing you towards dealing with large groups. Once per turn you can make an extra attack, as long as your second target is within 5′ of the first. You also gain Primal Awareness, letting you Speak with Animals. I don’t think anything in canon says you can do this, but your event is one of the only times we hear the servant animals talk, so I’m counting it. You also learn how to cast Zephyr Strike, speeding yourself up and possibly dealing extra damage at the same time. Controlling your spacing is vital when it comes to dealing with tons of enemies.

Ranger 4: Use your first Ability Score Improvement to bump up your Strength for stronger punches. They’ll get even stronger in a second, don’t worry.

Fighter 1: Bounce over to fighter for the Unarmed Fighting fighting style. Now your punches deal 1d6 damage (or 1d8 if you have both free) and you can deal damage to grappled creatures at the start of your turn. You also get a Second Wind, which will heal you as a bonus action.

Ranger 5: We’re done multiclassing for a while, since heading back over to ranger will net you an Extra Attack each action. Now you’ve got two attacks against one target, or three if you can use horde breaker. You also learn second level spells, like Beast Sense and Enhance Ability. I don’t think you’re strong enough yet, so that latter spell will give you advantage on strength checks for the duration. (Or a target creature advantage on any one kind of checks, that’s just the most in-character option.)

Ranger 6: At sixth level Favored Foe grows to a d6, and you also become Roving, which increases your speed and lets you climb and swim without slowing down.

Ranger 7: Seventh level rangers will find it a lot easier to Escape the Horde, forcing disadvantage on all opportunity attacks against you. Right now you’ve still got to keep your distance from your enemies to use your bow and arrow, so this will help. You can also cast Aid to increase your maximum HP along with that of a couple of friends for something that will really excitate your whole lineage.

Fighter 2: Bouncing back to fighter gets you an Action Surge for two actions per turn once per short rest. Now you get up to five attacks in a turn thanks to Horde Breaker and your extra attack.

Fighter 3: If we keep on trucking we’ll hit third level, which is where things get really spicy. As a Battle Master, you get four Combat Superiority d8s per short rest, and you can add one per attack to attack you make, dealing extra damage and adding effects to the blow. Technically. Only one of your maneuvers actually deals with attacks, but that’s Pushing Attack, which will do a lot of work for you. When you hit a creature you deal extra damage, and if they’re smaller than Huge and fail a strength save, they get pushed 15 feet away. Your other maneuvers are Evasive Footwork, adding the d8 to your AC while you move to make fighting you even harder, and Tactical Assessment, adding the die to an Investigation, History, or Insight check. We might not have been able to make you smart, but this should cover whatever tactics you need. You’re also a Student of War, giving you proficiency in any one artisan’s tools. Pick your fave, you’re not exactly Hokusai.

Fighter 4: Our last level in fighter grabs the Crusher feat for +1 Strength and once per turn you can push someone an extra 5 feet as long as they’re large or smaller. Also, critical bludgeoning hits give all attacks against their target advantage until you start your next turn. Now you can fling someone 20′ away, and while that technically doesn’t let you throw them in the air I’d allow it. Honestly, if someone’s moving that far away their feet have got to be leaving the ground at some point.

Ranger 8: Going back to Ranger for good now gets another ASI right away, and Gunner is a weird feat to pick, but hear me out. It’s basically the crossbow expert feat, but it trades that bonus action attack for a +1 to Dexterity, which is way more useful since you don’t use a hand crossbow. You also get proficiency with and can ignore loading on firearms, but most D&D games don’t have those anyway, so it’s fine to be a bit out of character. The real good reason we’re here is to ignore disadvantage on your ranged attacks if people are near you. Archery and brawling don’t normally go together, now they do. You also get Land’s Stride so you can move through difficult terrain easier and have advantage on saves against magical terrain. You leave a lot of corpses around in Shimousa, but this’ll help you keep your footing in that demiplane of skulls you do your boss fight in.

Ranger 9: Ninth level rangers get third level spells, like your Primal Awareness spell Speak with Plants. That might sound totally out of character, but it turns out there’s a legit reason for it: Hey look over there, it’s Flame Arrows! Finally, you can dip 12 arrows into fiery goodness, and each one deals an extra 1d6 fire damage on a hit. You’ve got up to an hour to use all of them, but it also takes concentration so don’t get too attached.

Ranger 10: Tenth level rangers are Tireless, letting you heal yourself with temporary HP as an action Proficiency times per day, and you heal exhaustion on short rests. Some people call that inhuman, I call it efficient. Gilgamesh wishes he had what you do. You can also use Nature’s Veil to turn invisible for a round as a bonus action Proficiency times per long rest. Think of it like a smoke bomb. Or a wildfire bomb. Just set things on fire, hide in the fire, done.

Ranger 11: At eleventh level, hunters can let out a Volley of ranged attacks, letting you attack every creature within a 10′ radius of a point you can see. Technically, this means you can pump out up to 50 attacks per round thanks to Action Surge, assuming a lot of creatures are dumb enough to clump up next to each other. 51, sorry, Horde breaker’s still there. To make getting into position easier you also learn the UA spell Flame Stride, negating opportunity attacks, bumping your speed up by 20 feet, and dealing fire damage to nearby creatures when you run by them. It also explicitly sets items on fire, so now we know how you caused so much damage in Shimousa.

Ranger 12: Use this ASI to round up your Strength and Dexterity for stronger punches, tougher punch saves, better arrows, and a higher AC. A banner level for you.

Ranger 13: Your new fourth level spell from Primal Awareness, Locate Creature is way easier to justify than the last one. You just know where the enemy general is located, even in the thick of battle. We’re basically building a Dynasty Warriors character at this point, aren’t we? You also get Freedom of Movement, just in case you need to speed around the battlefield without setting stuff on fire. I know, it’s boring without the fire. You just have to make due for two more levels.

Ranger 14: Your Favored Foe grows again, and you can Vanish as a bonus action, hiding yourself without any way to track you, bar magic.

Ranger 15: Your final spell of the build will turn you into a mighty inferno that can burn down all of Shimousa! Well, not really, but if you Summon Elemental then Vanish away, it’s almost like you turned into a fire elemental, right? You can also Stand Against the Tide, using your reaction to redirect a missed melee attack at another creature. It’s really hard to hit you when you run away, so I suggest fishing for attacks of opportunity for extra damage.

Ranger 16: Use your final ASI to grab the Tough feat for an extra 40 HP. Onis, man. They’re hard to kill.

Pros:

You specialize in dealing with large groups of enemies, with plenty of ways to move through them and attack over large areas at once.

Working with your bow and fists means you’re never in a bad position in a fight. Hah hah, you ambushed the archer, I guess you’re just getting your skulls bashed in instead.

Your range and speed, combined with your punches’ pushing power, means you are great at choosing your fights. For the most part you can determine where and when you fight an enemy, giving you a pretty solid advantage. As long as your DM doesn’t make all the fights take place in a vacant plain somewhere.

Cons:

Your charisma is pretty dismal, so even if you have a plan in mind good luck getting people to follow it.

You’re also pretty unfocused, and I mean that in every sense of the word. You’d be a lot more consistent with damage if you only focused on punching or arrows, and since you’re specialized for bunches of weak enemies single bosses can be tricky.

Most of your magic damage is Fire, which is easy to resist. If you’re up against a demon or devil, you might just have a bad time.

[a-queer-seminarian]

So sorry if this is breaking news to anyone, but: the Bible is ableist. Its pages hold some really shitty stuff about disabled persons.

...AND it’s also affirming of the goodness and wholeness of disabled persons, just as we are!

it turns out that among the many authors of the many texts collected into the Bible, there were differing views around what we now call disability!

so whenever disability comes up in a given passage, i can’t keep my brain from immediately trying to sort it: is it a Good Text for disabled persons, or a Bad Text?

i try to resist that easy binary, because the answer is usually somewhere in between. that certainly seems to be the case for this week’s lectionary reading from Mark 9.

there’s so much wild stuff in Jesus’s little monologue in this lectionary passage, but let’s start with verses 43-47 (my rough translation incoming):

If your hand causes you to stumble, cut it all the way off; it is better for you to enter into The Life impaired than, while having two hands, to go away into the gehenna, into the unquenchable fire.

And if your foot causes you to stumble, cut it all the way off! It is better for you to enter into The Life limping than, while having two feet, be cast into the gehenna.

And if your eye should cause you to stumble, cast it out; it is better for you to enter into the Kingdom of God one-eyed than, while having two eyes, be cast into the gehenna, where their worm does not die, and the fire is not quenched. For everyone will be salted with fire.

oh lord, not the hell talk!! anything but hell talk!! this whole passage bristles with a million ways to misuse it. (homophobia cw: anyone else ever get told “if your sexuality causes you to sin, cut it off — this passage is proof gay people should be celibate!” just me?)

now, my focus is on what Jesus says here about disability, but as we talk about that, better ways of reading the text will come up. for instance, that last verse about how everyone will be salted with fire? to me, that suggests Jesus’ vision of this “gehenna” place does NOT = the standard Christian idea of hell. first off, it’s a place not of punishment, but purification — which is a word heavy with baggage these days...what if I say “reformation” instead? And if that’s the case, i imagine one’s stay there isn’t eternal — why bother reform people who are gonna be shut off in a fire-filled jail forever?

once those fires “purify” you, i imagine your stay is through and off you go into “The Life,” because you’ll finally be ready for it. so that’s one option for getting ready for The Life / The Kingdom of God — or, Jesus says, you can opt instead to get rid of the things that “cause you to stumble” in advance by......cutting off a limb or gouging out an eye??

now. i could be wrong but. if we start by taking this text as literally as possible, with physical stumbling and a physical limb-removal taking place......wouldn’t it be easier to avoid tripping if you’ve got two eyes to see obstacles with, two feet to step over potholes with?? even today when prosthetics are sometimes an option, there’s an adjustment period where you have to relearn walking.

so it seems that Jesus is making one of his trademark statements meant to subvert expectations -- the last will be first, the foolish are proven wise, and those with two feet are more likely to stumble. chances are, he’s not speaking literally. it’s not your literal foot or hand you should be chopping off -- it’s a metaphor for something else.

but before we consider what exactly it’s a metaphor for...where does this ironic little twist leave actually disabled persons? is it shitty of Jesus to be using disability in this way? is this like his “blind leading the blind” & “spiritually blind” comments elsewhere in the Gospels, where he stamps a disability with a moral judgement?

yeah, i do think it’s kinda crappy to use real disabilities for an object lesson, for hyperbolic effect, for shock value. “better to be impaired” (even tho, the subtext seems to be, It Sucks To Be Impaired) “than end up in Gehenna. Trade one terrible thing for a still bad but not as bad thing!” My impulse is thus to throw this passage right into the Bad Text box —except!

Except, i feel like this text holds some positive implications about how Jesus viewed disability, too. 

First off, there’s the implication that one can enter into “The Life” — abundant life, “the world to come,” God’s Kingdom — while disabled. (i wish that were just a given, but it’s not; it’s actually exciting to hear confirmed!)

In the Hebrew Bible (the “Old Testament,” the scriptures we share with our Jewish neighbors, the texts that Jesus would have read and known), the most common assumption about disability is unfortunately that disability = imperfection, and imperfection is something that should be kept out of contact with God.

Now, there are authors & stories within the Hebrew Bible that offer a counter-narrative to that assumption! Two quick examples: Exodus 4 establishes Moses as having a speech impediment, yet he has many close encounters with the Divine. Meanwhile, in Isaiah 56:1-8, God not only welcomes in eunuchs — whom Deuteronomy 23:1 forbade from entering God’s Assembly — but even gives them a place of honor there!

So Jesus’s perspective is not brand new; he simply continues the counter-narrative that other Jewish rabbis and prophets established before him. Still, it is significant that he takes the status-quo-subverting perspective that actually, disability and wholeness are not at odds!

While Jesus’s primary aim with this little passage is not about disability, his weird self-disabling metaphor does imply an attitude of welcome for disabled persons, in that he seems to take it for granted that disabled persons are not barred from The Life of wholeness and abundance he’s talking about.

It’s obvious to him that they don’t even need to be made not-disabled to get there! (Plus, there is no suggestion that once there, one regrows one’s lopped-off limbs or eye / becomes abled again.) This isn’t the only time Jesus expresses this idea of disabilities present in God’s Kingdom, either — my fave is the parable of the banquet in Luke 14 (i have a whooole video about that passage, if you’re interested).

Moreover, Jesus’s closing remarks about salt — which at first glance seem to be something of a non sequitur — can be linked to the Gehenna fire stuff when it comes to the theme of im/purity. Let’s look at that last verse of the lectionary reading, which follows right after Jesus’s claim that “everyone will be salted with fire”:

“Salt is good; but if salt becomes unsalty, with what will you season it? Hold salt in yourselves, and keep peace with one another.”

Another weird little riddle from our favorite riddle-master. unsalty salt? instructions to stay salty?

One way to read this is to focus on the purifying and preserving uses of salt — the way it can keep food from going bad, which was particularly important in a time before refrigerators. in the previous verses, Jesus told his disciples what to cut off — anything that impedes them on the way into abundant Life. Now, he tells them what to hold on to — the stuff that, like salt, clean out harmful things and preserve helpful things, thus enabling abundant Life.

So yeah. In naming something culturally considered an imperfection — disability — as something that can easily enter The Life, no problem, Jesus is making an argument for what is truly impure, what truly impedes wholeness. And it’s not disability! ...So what is it? What are these stumbling blocks that Jesus likens to feet, hands, and eyes?

To find out, we have to rewind to the start of the lectionary reading, a comment from the disciple John that actually kicks off Jesus’s whole spiel:

John informed him, “Teacher, we saw someone throwing out demons in your name, and we stopped him, because he wasn’t following our way.”

But Jesus said, “Do not ever prevent him! For there is no one who will do a powerful work in my name, and will be quickly able to speak evil of me. For whoever is not against us, is for us. Whoever might give you a cup of water to drink because you are in Christ’s name, amen I say to you, that one will not utterly lose his reward.”

The disciples have a certain way of seeing the world, and their actions against someone who is not one of them, but still using Jesus’s name to cast out demons, show us what that way is. They see the world in terms of us vs. them, in vs. out, one right way and many wrong ways. It’s this perspective that impedes them from supporting other people’s kin(g)dom-building work when it differs from their own.

But Jesus tells them they need to stop thinking this way, and start recognizing that there isn’t just one road to the Kin(g)dom, but many — and to quote Jesus’s words from other parts of scripture, you’ll know that someone’s work is good when it produces good fruit. This dude might be doing things differently from how they do it, but the fruits of his efforts are good — the casting out of demons, which frees people up for new life. So don’t stop him — support him! Be glad for his work!

To sum up the entire passage now that I’ve laid it all out and shown how the seemingly-disjointed parts of Jesus’s speech connect, I see his argument as something like this: “That dude you tried to stop is not against us; we can see that by the consequences of his actions, which are positive! His goals are the same as ours, so don’t hinder him just because his path is different from yours! Now, here’s an example of people/behaviors that ARE against us: people who cause little ones to stumble. And you know what you should do with such stumble-makers (or else the stumble-causing behaviors/attitudes)? Cut them off. Let go of anyone or anything that keeps you from abundant life, from the liberation God intends for all. Meanwhile, hold on to the things which purify you like salt — the things that liberate you to enter wholeness. Do it now of your own accord, or accept that it’ll happen later, and it won’t be very fun.”

To reiterate what all of that has to do with disability theology, I’ll share what my friend Laura said when I brought all these ideas to them. (Laura is the host of the Autistic Liberation Theology podcast, which i highly recommend for anyone who wants to hear more Bible stories told through a disability lens!)

Laura noted how common perspectives around dis/ability lead people wrong today, impeding our liberation. Our society teaches us that in order to function as whole persons, we need to be able-bodied (and neurotypical), and that the kinds of accommodations that disabled persons require limit their quality of life. When those ableist assumptions are the lens through which we view the world, that can “cause us to stumble” in the metaphorical sense — can impede us from loving ourselves and one another fully, and from fully participating in the diverse Kin(g)dom of God.

They offered two examples:

When a person with a mobility impairment that could be improved with a wheelchair avoids using that wheelchair because of internalized ableism, preferring the increased suffering that walking more than their body can healthily do over being “wheelchair bound,” that internalized ableism is a stumbling block keeping them from abundant life. Learning to let go of those beliefs, to use a wheelchair when they need to, will — contrary to that “wheelchair bound” language — bring liberation. 

Their next example imagined a parent who puts their autistic child through ABA therapy in order to get them to talk, make eye contact, and otherwise behave like a non-autistic person, due to the belief that autistic persons are missing elements of a full personhood, or that they can only live a happy life if they learn how to mask their autistic traits. However, in reality, ABA therapy brings the child pain and trauma — it impedes rather than enables their quality of life. Letting go of that need for your child to communicate through spoken language and otherwise behave like an allistic will make room for celebration of who they really are!

As Jesus’s comments in this passage imply, a disabled person can enter into “The Life” of wholeness and kinship that is the Kin(g)dom of God just as they are. To try to sever their disability from them would be the hindrance to that liberation. To deny that there are many ways to participate in the Body of Christ  impedes the incoming Kin(g)dom.

So let’s take this message to heart. Let’s consider what points of view, what assumptions about what is necessary for wholeness, are currently keeping us from abundant life, or causing us to stop others from their abundance-bringing work. It’s time to learn how to let those harmful assumptions go — and hold tight to the things that bring true wholeness.

For more on this text, check out my translation notes, which include a lot of commentary from D. Mark Davis’s own exegetical work.

For more on disability theology, you might enjoy my #disability theology tag on tumblr or my Disabled AND Blessed YouTube series. This video exploring the many different perspectives on disability found within the Bible is particularly pertinent.

Finally, what do you think? What good news do you hear in this Mark 9 text? What parts of it feel like a stumbling block for you, dredging up hurt or confusion?

[crowdvscritic]

round up // NOVEMBER 20

Hi, I’m tired. Actually, my friend Celeste created a piece of art that puts the emphasis needed on that sentiment:

I’m very tired. November felt like it was three years and also felt like it went by in a blink and also I’m not sure where October ended and November began—how does time work like that? (I’ve yet to see Tenet, but maybe that will explain it.) But like Michael Scott, somehow I manage, and lately it’s been like this:

Late-night Etsy scrolling. Browsing beautiful, non-big-box-store artwork is very calming just before I go to bed. I’d recommend Etsy stores like Celeste’s chr paperie shop, which I know from experience is full of great Christmas gift ideas. 

Taking a day off of work to do laundry. I’m not sure if it’s more #adulting that I did that or that I was excited to do that.

Eating Ghiradelli chocolate chips straight from the bag. I actually don’t recommend this as a healthy option, but this is also not a health blog.

Watching lots and lots of ‘80s movies. One day I’ll ask a therapist why this decade of films is so comforting for me despite its many flaws, but for now I’m just rolling with it.

Reading. Have you heard of this? It’s a form of entertainment but doesn’t require screens—wild!

Memes. All good Pippin “Fool of a” Took jokes are welcome here.

Leaning into the Christmas spirit by ordering that Starbucks peppermint mocha, making plans to watch everything in that TCM Christmas book I haven’t seen, and keeping the lights on my hot pink tinsel tree on all day as I work from home.

This month’s Round Up is full of stuff that made me smile and stuff that sucked me into its world—I think they’ll do the same for you, too.

November Crowd-Pleasers

Sister Act (1992)

If in four years you aren’t in an emotional state to watch election results roll in, I recommend watching Whoopi Goldberg pretend to be a nun for 100 minutes. (Though, incidentally, if you want to watch that clip edited to specifically depict how the results came in this year, you’ll need to watch Sister Act 2.) This musical-comedy is about as feel-good as it gets, meaning there’s no reason you should wait four more years to watch it. Crowd: 9/10 // Critic: 7.5/10

Nevada Memes

Speaking of election results, Nevada memes. That’s it—that’s the tweet. Vulture has a round up of some of the best.

SNL Round Up

Laugh and enjoy!

“Cinema Classics: The Birds” (4605 with John Mulaney)

“Uncle Ben” (4606 with Dave Chappelle)

RoboCop (1987)

I’m not surprised I liked RoboCop, but I am surprised at why I liked RoboCop. Not only is this a boss action blockbuster, it’s an investigation into consumerism and the commodification of the human body. It’s also a critique of institutions that treat crime like statistics instead of actions done by people that impact people. That said, it’s also movie about a guy who’s fused with a robot and melts another guy’s face off with toxic sludge, so there’s a reason I’m not listing this under the Critic section. Crowd: 9/10 // Critic: 8/10

Double Feature – ‘80s Comedies: National Lampoon’s Vacation (1983) + Major League (1989)

The ‘80s-palooza is in full swing! In Vacation (Crowd: 9.5/10 // Critic: 8/10), Chevy Chase just wants to spend time with his family on a vacation to Wally World, but wouldn’t you know it, Murphy’s Law kicks into gear as soon as the Griswold family shifts from out of Park. The brilliance of the movie is that every one of these terrible things is plausible, but the Griswolds create the biggest problems themselves. In Major League (Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 6.5/10), Tom Berenger, Charlie Sheen, and Wesley Snipes are Cleveland’s last hope for a winning baseball team. Like the Griswolds, mishaps and hijinks ensue in their attempt to prevent their greedy owner from moving the Indians to Miami, but the real win is this movie totally gets baseball fans. Like most ‘80s movies, not everything in this pair has aged well, but they brought some laughs when I needed them most.

This Time Next Year by Sophie Cousens (2020)

They’re born a minute apart in the same hospital, but they don’t meet until their 30th birthday on New Year’s Day. So, yes, it’s a little bit Serendipity, and it’s a little bit sappy, but those are both marks in this book’s favor. This Time Next Year is a time-hopping rom-com with lots of almost-meet-cutes that will have you laughing, believing in romantic twists of fate, and finding hope for the new year.

Double Feature – ‘80s Angsty Teens: Teen Wolf (1985) + Uncle Buck (1989)

In the ‘80s, Hollywood finally understood the angsty teen, and this pair of comedies isn’t interested in the melodrama earlier movies like Rebel Without a Cause were depicting. (I’d recommend Rebel, but not if you want to look back on your teen years with any sense of humor.) In Teen Wolf (Crowd: 8/10 // Critic: 5/10), Michael J. Fox discovers he’s a werewolf.one that looks more like the kid in Jumanji than any other portrayal of a werewolf you’ve seen. It’s a plot so ‘80s and so bizarre you won’t believe this movie was greenlit.

In Uncle Buck (Crowd: 8/10 // Critic: 7.5/10), John Candy is attempting to connect with the nieces and nephew he hasn’t seen in years, including one moody high schooler. (Plus, baby Gaby Hoffman and pre-Home Alone Macauley Culkin!) This is my second pick from one of my all-time fave filmmakers, John Hughes (along with National Lampoon’s Vacation, above), and it’s one more entry that balances heart and humor in a way only he could do. You can see where I rank this movie in Hughes’s pantheon on Letterboxd.

Lord of the Rings memes

This month on SO IT’S A SHOW?, Kyla and I revisited The Lord of the Rings, a trilogy we love almost as much as we love Gilmore Girls. You can listen to our episode about the series on your fave podcast app, and you can laugh through hundreds of memes like I did for “research” on Twitter.

Nothing to See Here by Kevin Wilson (2019)

Most adults are afraid of children’s temper tantrums, but can you imagine how terrified you’d be if they caught on fire in their fits of rage? That’s the premise of this novel, which begins when an aimless twentysomething becomes the nanny of a Tennessee politician’s twins who burst into flames when they get emotional. The book is filled with laugh-out-loud moments but never leaves behind the human emotion you need to make a magical realistic story.

An Officer and a Gentlemen (1982)

Speaking of aimless twentysomethings and emotion, feel free to laugh, cry, and swoon through this melodrama in the ‘80s canon. Richard Gere meanders his way into the Navy when he has nowhere else to go, and he tries to survive basic training, work through his family issues, and figure out his future as he also falls in love with Debra Winger. So, yeah, it’s a schamltzier version of Top Gun, but it’s schmaltz at its finest. Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 7.5/10

November Critic Picks

Double Feature – ‘40s Amensia Romances: Random Harvest (1942) + The Ghost and Mrs. Muir (1947)

Speaking of schmaltz at its finest, let me share a few more titles fitting that description. In Random Harvest (Crowd: 8/10 // Critic: 8.5/10), Greer Garson falls in love with a veteran who can’t remember his life before he left for war. In The Ghost and Mrs. Muir (Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 8.5/10), Gene Tierney discovers a ghost played by a crotchety Rex Harrison in her new home. Mild spoiler: Both feature amnesiac plot developments, and while amnesia has become a cliché in the long history of romance films, Harvest is moving enough and Mr. Muir is charming enough that you won’t roll your eyes. You can see these and more romances complicated by forced forgetfulness in this Letterboxd round up.

The African Queen (1951)

It’s Humphrey Bogart and Katharine Hepburn directed by John Huston—I mean, I don’t feel like I need to explain why this is a winner. Bogart (in his Oscar-winning role) and Hepburn star in a two-hander script, dominating the screen time except for a select few scenes with supporting cast. The pair fight for survival while cruising on a small boat called The African Queen during World War I (in Africa, natch), and the two make this small story feel grand and epic. Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 9/10

Kind Hearts and Coronets (1949)

A young man’s (Dennis Price) mother is disowned from their wealthy family because she marries for love. After her death, he seeks vengeance by killing all of the family members ahead of him in line to be the Duke D'Ascoyne. The twist? All of his victims are played by Sir Alec Guinness! Almost every character in this black comedy is a terrible person, so you won’t be too sorry to see them go—you can just enjoy the creative “accidents” he stages and stay in suspense on whether our “hero” gets his comeuppance. Crowd: 8/10 // Critic: 8.5/10

Bluebeard’s Eighth Wife (1937)

What would you do if you found out you were to be someone’s eighth wife? Well, it’s probably not what Claudette Colbert does in this screwball comedy that reminds me a bit of Love Crazy. This isn’t the first time I’ve recommended Colbert, Gary Cooper, or Ernst Lubitsch films, so it’s no surprise these stars and this director can make magic together in this hilarious battle of the wills. Crowd: 9/10 // Critic: 8.5/10

The Red Shoes (1948)

I love stories about the competition between your life and your art, and The Red Shoes makes that competition literal. Moira Shearer plays a ballerina who feels life is meaningless without dancing—then she falls in love. That’s an oversimplification of a rich character study and some of the most beautiful ballet on film, but I can’t do it justice in a short paragraph. Just watch (perhaps while you’re putting up your hot pink tinsel tree?) and soak in all the goodness. Crowd: 8/10 // Critic: 10/10

The Third Man (1949)

Everybody loves to talk about Citizen Kane, and with the release of Mank on Netflix, it’s newsworthy again. But don’t miss this other ‘40s team up of Joseph Cotten and Orson Welles. Cotten is a writer digging for the truth of his friend’s (Welles) death in a mysterious car accident. Eyewitness accounts differ on what happened, and who was the third man at the scene only one witness remembers? 71 years later, this movie is still tense, and this actor pairing is still electric. Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 9/10

The Untouchables (1987)

At the end of October, we lost Sean Connery. I looked back on his career first by writing a remembrance for ZekeFilm and then by watching The Untouchables. (In a perfect world I would’ve reversed that order, but c’est la vie.) In my last selection from the ‘80s, Connery and Kevin Costner attempt to convict Robert De Niro’s Al Capone of anything that will stick and end his reign of crime in Chicago. Directed by Brian De Palma and set to an Ennio Morricone soundtrack, this film is both an exciting action flick and an artistic achievement that we literally discussed in one of my college film classes. Connery won his Oscar, and K. Cos is giving one of the best of his career, too. Crowd: 9/10 // Critic: 9.5/10

Remember the Night (1940)

Fred MacMurray and Barbara Stanwyck in my favorite team up yet! Double Indemnity may be the bona fide classic in the canon, but this Christmas story—with MacMurray as a district attorney prosecuting shoplifter Stanwyck— is a charmer. I’ve added it to my list of must-watch Christmas movies—watch for some holiday cheer and rom-com feels. Crowd: 8.5/10 // Critic: 8.5/10

Photo credits: chr paperie. Books my own. All others IMDb.com.

[shipmistress9]

D E F G H I J K L M N O P, Q R S T U V, W X Y and Z 😇😉. I sung the alphabet while writing this as well 😂. You don’t have to answer all of them though, just pick which ones you want 😊.

🤣🤣🤣

D - A pairing you wish you liked but just can’t.

My fandom life would be easier if I liked Heathstrid at least a little bit... But I can’t and I don’t really want to, either...

E - Have you added anything cracky/hilarious to your fandom? If so, what?

The oneshots Spin The Bottle and Pick Me Up.

F - What’s the longest you’ve ever been in a fandom?

Given that I only learned about the existence of fandom as a concept in late 2016, the longest I’ve ever been in a fandom is roughly 4,5 years.

G - Have you ever had an OTP? If so, do you remember your first one? Who was in it?

Many! Currently it’s Hiccstrid and Hicretstrid. And maybe a little Zelink. But thinking back, I think my very first OTP was when I was around five years old. From the Captain Tsubasa anime series, Tsubasa and... I don’t even know her name... 🤣 There was this girl who always cheered him on and was his no.1 fan. ANd in hindsight, I think I also shipped Tsubasa... with nearly all other players, mainly, Taro Misaki, Jun Misugi, and Kojiro Hyuga. 🤣

H - What is your favorite source text for fandom stuff (e.g., TV shows, movies, books, anime, Western animation, etc.)?

TV-shows, mostly. I prefer the visuals over books and I prefer the slower development over those in movies.

I - Has Tumblr caused you to stop liking any fandoms, if so, which and why?

Not caused me to stop liking them. But in some cases (ATLA and TDP, to name two) it raised my expectations so high that, when I finally got to dip into them, I was rather underwhelmed. It also didn’t help that I already knew the ending and some major plot points. If there’s one sure way to dampen my excitement it’s spoilers.

J - Name a fandom you didn’t think about until you saw it all over Tumblr. (You don’t have to care about it or follow it; it just has to be something that Tumblr made you aware of.)

Supernatural. Pretty much all other fandoms I dip into occasionally, I knew at least a little before. But literally everything I know about Supernatural is from seeing posts here. 🤣

K - What character has your favorite development arc/the best development arc?

I can’t think of an individual character right now, but in general an arc I like is someone (re-)learning to trust.

L - Say something genuinely nice about a character who isn’t one of your faves. (Characters you’re neutral about are fair game, as are characters you merely dislike. Characters that you absolutely loathe with the fire of ten thousand suns are exempt, as there is no point in giving yourself an aneurysm over a character that you hate.)

Snotlout has a great relationship with his dragon. Valka, too. Gobber and the twins are always fun, in their own ways.

M - Name a character that you’d like to have for a friend.

Already answered before.

Hmm... First, I wanted to say Astrid. And I'd enjoy having her as a friend, as someone to challenges me to be more active, to work on my skills and someone to talk.

But I think, I'd enjoy being friends with Hiccup, too. I'd like to brainstorm ideas, ponder over inventions and exchange ideas. Geek out about dragons!

N - Name three things you wish you saw more or in your main fandom (or a fandom of choice).

Acceptance, respect, and some common sense. But that’s not just fandom...

O - Choose a song at random. Which ship or character does it remind you of?

My very long list of favoured songs randomly gave me 9 Crimes by Damien Rice. There once was an absolutly stunning AMV with this song about the TV-show The Legend Of The Seeker, The Sword Of Truth (based on the books by Terry Goodkind). I was deeply in love with Richard’s and Kahlan’s relationship, and with Cara on a general level. That AMV featured them all, and I loved it!

P - Invent a random AU for any fandom (we always need more ideas).

Oh, oh, oh, oh! I just thought about this modern meet-cute AU for Hiccstrid a few days back, might as well write it down here. (And will also copy it over into an individual post, I think...)

Hiccup is a single father of a three-years-old daughter. One day, he meets Astrid in a supermarket; she’s in front of him at the check-out and when he hears her voice, he’s stunned. Because he knows her voice, hears it every day. Because she lend her voice to one of these talking toys for toddlers.His daughter’s favourite toy.

Hiccup always liked that toy best, too, because it didn’t sound as annoying as most others. Pleasant even. When he sees and hears Astrid, he recognises her voice in an instant. He jokingly thanks her for making his days more bearable. She’s confused, who is this weirdo? So he tries to explain. “The toy. My daughter’s toy. It’s your voice. A pleasant voice. I listen to it every day.” He keeps getting weirder, stammers, turns red like a tomato, until he eventually just flees, wishing a hole would open up to swallow him, that was so embarrassing.

Meanwhile, Astrid is touched. Knowing that there is at least one little girl who likes the toy she helped create. And her father, apparently. Who had been cute. In how shy he’d been. And how excited. She’s sorry he left before she was able to talk to him and thank him.

Over the next days, Hiccup would think of her a lot. Every time he hears her voice again, he’d think of her. Her face. Her smile. Until they, eventually, meet again... ^^

Q - A fandom you’ve abandoned and why.

Answered before

None, really. There are several fandoms I grew out of, like Sailor Moon or Kamikaze Kaitou Jeanne. But I wouldn't say I abandoned them. I still enjoy seeing content about them.

R - Which friendship/platonic relationship is your favorite in fandom?

Those of the rider with their dragons. Hiccup&Toothless. Astrid&Stormfly.

S - Show us an example of your personal headcanon (prompts optional but encouraged)

Pretty much all of my headcanons are about Hiccstrid in one way or combination. One of my personal favourites is that Astrid has a tiny birthmark on the back of her neck. She doesn’t even know it’s there, she can’t see it and it’s almost always covered by her hair anyway. But Hiccup knows it’s there. And he loves to place a kiss on it. It tickles and would always make her giggle. And she smells so nice.

T - Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending?

*snorts* No. If there are people who don’t share my headcanons, then... they don’t have to? I can live and be friends with people regardless of whether we share the same headcanons or not. And if people keep attacking me for mine, I’ll just block them and walk away. Arguing about something like that is not worth my time.

U - Three favorite characters from three different fandoms, and why they’re your favorites.

Astrid. HTTYD.

erm...

uh...

I really have difficulties thinking of favourites from any other fandoms here! xD

uhm...

Princess Zelda from Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

Kaladin Stormblessed from the Stormlight Archives.

I might have a type here. Brave, strong, not always easy to deal with. Fiercely loyal. Stubborn. Proud. Honourable. that’s all three of them. ^^

V - Which character do you relate to most?

Same answer as the above, mostly. I think I already wrote a long answer to a similar question once. 🤔 I relate to Astrid in many ways. Loyal and reliable, not always easy to approach, often prefers to deal with her problems on her own instead of asking for help.

W - A trope which you are virtually certain to hate in any fandom.

Anything jealously, especially it being portrayed as a sign of love or dedication. But also love triangles. Unnecessary.

Another thing I don’t like is when there’s a misunderstanding and they argue about it and get angry and yell and have a huge falling-out... when it all just boils down to them not listening.

X - A trope which you are almost certain to love in any fandom.

Answered before.

Forbidden Romance. In any form. I just love the angsty tension it brings without the characters fighting or arguing about misunderstandings.

Y - What are your secondhand fandoms (i.e., fandoms you aren’t in personally but are tangentially familiar with because your friends/people on your dash are in them)?

Supernatural, ATLA, TDP, MCU.

Z - Just ramble about something fan-related, go go go! (Prompts optional but encouraged.)

With all the critical thinking that’s encouraged in fandom culture, I wish more people would remember Ratatouille and this quote by Anton Ego.

“In many ways, the work of a critic is easy. We risk very little, yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment. We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read. But the bitter truth we critics must face, is that in the grand scheme of things, the average piece of junk is probably more meaningful than our criticism designating it so.”

-- Anton Ego (Ratatouille)

Or at least respect it. It’s called entertainment and not lecture about every little detail that is wrong with other people’s opinions. I get why it’s important to look deeper and question meanings and intentions, I really do. But sometimes, I’d prefer to at least occasionally just enjoy something without getting lectured by others for it.

_____

Thank you! 😘💜

[simeonstans]

TW// nth rooms, sexual assault, rape, brutal assault

Hello everyone, I wanted to speak about this as I saw this going around my twitter. This is a very triggering subject but this deserves as much attention as you could get.

Majority of my information is from HERE! So please check out the entire thread. And even more information HERE

Now let's get started.

In South Korea, there's an app called Telegram. Basically like Line, Kakao, Messenger, etc. It's just a messenger app. Well, there's this man in his 20's named Jo Joo Bin/Cho Joo Bin but goes by "Baksa" which means "doctor". He made these chatrooms and you have to pay to access them. The chatrooms are in tiers so 1st tier has the least amount of violence and gore while the 3rd tier has the most graphic. Basically you pay to get in. So about 100k won (~80 usd) would get you into the 1st tier while 1.5mil won (~12000 usd) would get you into the 3rd tier.

Now this is where things get graphic and where I go into detail so BE WARNED

Now what's in these chatrooms? Well there's videos of women masturbating and having sex on camera, there's videos of teenage girls. There's a video of someone cutting off their nipple, eating feces, someone masturbating with scissors, and other very graphic content. And they get worse depending on what tier you paid for. There's even men paying to rape them or gang bang them.

How old are these girls? Why are they involved? The victims are young women. There's about 76 victims and 16 of them are minors. The youngest being 9-11 years old. They find girls on the internet and hack into their personal information and they get manipulated to do these types of videos. Many are blackmailed into joining and others come from low income homes, so if they do these videos then they get paid money. That's why many girls fall victim.

Why should I care? You should care because there are about over 260k men that have PAID to enter these chatrooms. This includes celebrities. From actors to idols to athletes, CEO's and hell maybe even politicians. These men have fully agreed into entering a room to see women being manipulated into mutilating themselves and having sex or performing sexual acts on themselves. And most importantly, THESE ARE HUMAN BEINGS AND THATS THE MAIN REASON YOU SHOULD CARE!!!! These girls are being exploited and raped so they can have money for their families. These girls are even used as SEX SLAVES.

Why should I do something? Shouldn't the Korean government do something about it instead? There are korean media outlets that are covering this entire thing. Men have been victim blaming, journalists have been blackmailed to keep silent. And the authorities aren't taking it seriously neither. Many girls have come out to say that they're dealing with mental health issues after everything but they receive no help. If you don't know much about korean standards and society, mental illnesses are frowned upon. Some jobs won't hire you if you deal with depression or anxiety or anything else. It's frowned upon in korean society and yes while there are still people out there who actually do care about you and your struggles, majority of korea is still very conservative.

Okay, well how can I help? I'm glad you asked! There's an organization that helps. I'll place the link HERE! Basically you scroll to the bottom til you see this

Then click on the empty box beside "동의"

Then here click on one of the social media options. I'll use my twitter since that's the only thing I have. After you get redirected and everything you get sent back to where you first started. Well, scroll down once again.

Then thats when you click on "동의" (that means "agree"

Then you get these two popups. The first one says "Youre agreeing to signing the petition, you can't take away your signature" and thats a good thing lol just click "OK". The second popup basically says "you've signed the petition", again, that's a good thing. Sorry this isn't what I regularly post but! In this cruel world at such a bad time right now, there are people that still need our help out there! Spread awareness and spread kindness.

If I see ANY kpop stans crying cause their fave got outted as someone that bought their way into a chatroom AND they want to continue to stan, you are an absolute CLOWN. Karma WILL get you!

[alicedoessurveys]

Doctor Who Tag

yes im a nerd...

CHILDHOOD

1. Did you like DW as a child?

I was 10 when it came back on telly with Eccleston and the first episode with the autons scared me so much my mom wouldn't let me watch it again until a couple years later, but yeah my teens I was obsessed with DW... still am at age 25

2. Your age at the time of the revival?

10

3. First DW episode you ever saw?

‘Rose’

4. Did you have any of the toys?

I still have the eleventh doctor’s screwdriver... I used to have some of the figures but there in storage now somewhere

5. Which DW character did you play on the playground?

didn't play it on the playground

6. Monster(s) that scared you most as a child?

all of them! the ones that still scare me now are the Cybermen and the Autons... genuinely cant walk past a shop mannequin without being suspicious 

7. Joke/story you didn’t get as a kid?

as a kid, any of the innuendo type jokes

8. DW opinion that has changed since you were a kid?

idk I think I still have the same opinions

9. Who introduced you to DW?

parents

10. Did you like Sarah Jane Adventures as a child?

I LOVED SJA!! I miss that show, and Elizabeth Slade :(

DOCTOR

11. Who is your Doctor?

Ten was the doctor that made me fall in love with Doctor Who 

12. Your favourite Doctor?

omg why not just ask me who my favourite child is... (I don't have kids but you know what I mean) if I had to chose my top three are ten, eleven and thirteen

13. Least favourite Doctor?

purely just because he doesn't have enough episodes... nine...

14. Best regeneration?

none of them I hate regenerations :( they make me sad, im too emotionally invested in every single one

15. Do you like “Doctor-Lite” episodes?

they're not my faves

16. Who is the most human Doctor?

I think nine maybe? or twelve?

17. Best multi-Doctor story?

the 50th anniversary special 

18. Best Doctor monologue?

“Hello Stonehenge! who takes the pandorica, takes the universe. but bad news everyone, cause guess who? HA! You lot you're all whizzing about- its really very distracting. Could you all just stay still a minute because I AM TALKING. Question of the hour is, who's got the pandorica? Answer, I do. Next question, who's coming to take it from me? Come on, look at me! No plan. No backup. No weapons worth a damn. oh and something else, I don't have anything to lose. So, if you're sitting up there in your silly little spaceship with all your silly little guns and you've got any plans on taking the pandorica tonight... just remember who's standing in your way. remember ever black day I ever stopped you and then- AND THEN- do the smart thing... let somebody else try first.”

not copied and pasted, remember that from the top of my head... its always there waiting in my mind incase I ever need an epic monologue :’)

19, What do you think TenToo/MetaCrisis Doctor is doing now?

hopefully living his best life with Rose

20. Best Doctor/companion pairing?

ten and donna 

COMPANIONS

21. Favourite companion?

Donna, Clara, Amy

22. Favourite secondary companion?

is Mickey classed as secondary? idk

23. Least favourite companion?

Ryan

24. Best TARDIS Team?

Doctor, Amy and Rory

25. Most underrated companion?

Graham, but that may just be cause I love Bradders

26. Most overrated companion?

Rose... I like her but idk, I think she gets more hype than she deserves.. don't @ me

27. Favourite companion’s family?

Rose’s mom

28. Who should have been a companion but wasn’t?

idk I cant think of anyone

29. Favourite (canon or non-canon) DW universe relationship?

Amy and Rory

30. Who did you not used to like, but really like now?

wasn't keen on Bill at first but by the end I really liked her, same with Rory

EPISODES

31. Favourite episode ever?

girl in the fireplace

32. Least favourite episode?

most of Chibnall’s episodes tbh sorry not sorry 

33. Which episodes do you skip?

the regeneration episodes

34. Best two-parter?

Human Nature - Family of Blood

35. Historical, present day or futuristic episodes?

I like them all in there own way but I think present is fave, then historical, then future

36. Episode that will always make you smile?

all of them

37. Episode that will always make you cry?

Rory and Amy’s last episode :’(

38. Best run of episodes?

ugh I cant answer this theres too many 

39. Best cliffhanger?

the end of Spyfall part one when the Master reveals who he is... I was SHOOK

40. Favourite Christmas special?

Voyage of the Damned

SERIES

41. Classic Who or New Who?

new who

42. Favourite series?

four or five

43. Least favourite series?

eleven, I just cant with the writing

44. Which series do you skip?

none

45. Favourite series opening?

eleventh hour

46. Favourite series finale?

Doomsday

47. Best series arc?

Bad Wolf

48. Thoughts on series 11/12?

I adore Jodie Whittaker and her doctor, and although I think 3 companions is too many I do love Yaz and Graham (Ryan is hit & miss). I just think theyve been massively let down by the stories/writing... they’ve tried to hard to tick certain boxes and completely missed what Doctor Who is about for a lot of people.. an escape from the real world into these outrageous unbelievable but lovable fun alien adventures 

49. How much of Classic Who have you seen?

not a lot

50. Who should have had another series?

NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE 

MONSTERS

51. Favourite monster/villain?

the master 

52. Most creative monster?

Weeping Angels, whoever came up with monsters that look like statues and only move when you're not looking at them is genius 

53. Monster(s) that scares you most?

Autons, Cybermen, the creepy dolls from Night Terrors, the ones from Waters of Mars, Weeping Angels

54. Monster you think is too easy to defeat?

idk

55. Least favourite monster/villain?

absorbaloff

56. Monster you want to return?

The Master, I really hope that isn't the last we see of Dhawan

57. In your opinion, what makes a monster good?

being genuinely scary, 

58. Daleks, Cybermen or Weeping Angels?

Weeping Angels

59. Best Dalek story?

Daleks in Manhatten

60. Best one time villain/monster?

my brain has gone blank I cant think of an answer right now 

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL

61. Torchwood or Sarah Jane Adventures?

SJA

62. Favourite Torchwood Team member?

I haven't watched it all so I couldn't say 

63. Which Torchwood death made you saddest?

again, not watched it all 

64. Do you rewatch COE or MD?

huh

65. Favourite SJA Team member?

Sarah Jane

66. Mr Smith or K-9?

K-9

67. Maria or Rani?

Rani

68. Do you read the comics/novels or listen to Big Finish?

Nope

69. If you do, your favourite additional stories?

n/a

70. Do you like DW analysis (video essays, fan theories, etc)?

yes

DESIGN/PRODUCTION

71. Favourite piece of alien tech?

the sonic, I love how it is so multipurpose except for when it comes to wood 

72. Favourite piece of Murray Gold music?

I am the Doctor - gets me pumped every time 

73. Favourite TARDIS design?

Ten’s Tardis 

74. Has the 2005 era CGI aged well?

actually yeah, I was rewatching the ‘are you my mummy’ episodes the other day and my God when the gas masks emerged from the faces... ooooooof I was like omg how 

75. Favourite Doctor outfit?

eleven or thirteen

76. Monster with the best design?

not really a design more of a costume.. I live Dhawan master’s costume. that shade of purple, oof he so stylish 

77. Best show runner?

idk

78. Best writer?

Gatiss

79. Best opening titles?

eleven’s titles where the Tardis is flying and being zapped is cool but thirteens music hits different 

80. Will DW age well/stay popular in the future?

I hope so, I feel like its lasted this long surely it can last forever.. if the writers don't fuck it up... 

IF YOU WERE IN THE SHOW

81. Time period you’d want to go with the Doctor?

whatever time means Id get to wear the most beautiful costumes

82. Planet/place you’d want to go with the Doctor?

Galifrey, pre-desctruction

83. Doctor you’d most like to travel with?

any of them, please and thank you

84. Companion you’d most like to travel with?

donna, sceso a good laugh but also I feel like she’d look after me 

85. Monster you’d like to defeat/fight?

The Master 

86. If you could go back on your own history (like Father’s Day), where would you go?

back to when I was a toddler, I wanna see what I was like 

87. If you could ask the Doctor anything, what would you ask?

theres too many to ask 

88. Historical figure you’d like to meet?

Shakespeare

89. How do you think you’d meet the Doctor?

id probably be rescued from doing something stupid and then the doc would be like you know what the bitch clearly needs supervision she's coming with me 

90. Would you travel forwards or backwards in time first?

backwards

IF YOU MADE THE SHOW

91. Historical event would you like to see in DW?

Hamilton

92. Issue you’d like to see addressed in DW?

idk 

93. Who would you completely erase from the DW universe?

Ruth

94. One unanswered DW question you’d love to know the answer to?

where is Clara now?

95. Actor/actress you’d like to see play the Doctor?

Phoebe Waller Bridge (or Lin Manuel Miranda)

96. Actor/actress you’d like to see play a companion?

Andrew Scott (yes I did just basically recast fleabag and hot priest)

97. Is DW “too political”?

series 11 got a bit like that 

98. Which characters fate would you changed?

Danny Pink

99. What about DW could be improved?

I think ive made my options about Chibnall pretty clear... 

100. If you could write an episode of DW, any ideas for what you’d do

bring back Jenny, the Doctor / Daughter adventures they would have. I’m actually writing a fic about it if you wanna read.... here

[ificanthaveu]

ROMANCE REVIEW

ok so here’s me hyping up Camila for longer than anyone asked for but this album...is just so good and when she said visual I’m like yeah ok but... I SAW so many things and so many lyrics/songs reminded me of things that have happened to me and I’m like, you know what? time to overshare

TRACK 1 SHAMELESS: ok so obviously I’ve listened to this before like a million times, but when I first heard it, I was very much like... I don’t like it. and then I listened to it again and I’m like haha nevermind I was wrong (i do this all the time don’t @ me I know I suck) the way she says “shameless” with that rasp? screaming her lungs out? yeah, bitch, I feel that. I hear that. and just the whole vibe of YEAH I feel this way and WHAT ABOUT IT.

favorite lyrics: “Now that you have me, do you want me still?” “I’m tired of loving somebody that’s not mine”

TRACK 2 LIVING PROOF: Every performance of this...makes me love it more and more. The choir singing hallelujah...gave me the VISUALS bc ya girl grew up Catholic, and I couldn’t help but imagine that Easter day where everyone is praising and saying hallelujah and it’s just such a pure JOY. and with the God references and “being sent to save me” just getting major church vibes. AND her high notes in the chorus...we stan a queen with TALENT. I love how she references hands a few times because I just love when you can communicate something just through touch. I think that is truly the deepest form of knowing someone. 

favorite lyrics: “Tell me something, but say it with your hands, slow” “Show your demons, and I might show you mine, one at a time”

TRACK 3 SHOULD’VE SAID IT: ok now I’m just going to sit here with my jaw dropped open because SIS said what we’ve been saying for SO LONG. The theme of “change” is so strong in this, and I just love how she portrays it. And her talking about the songs not sounding the same...she’s literally like yeah I get you wrote songs about me, but have you heard of imessage? a phone? But this is the kind of song that I want to scream at the top of my lungs and dance to in my living room, but, alas, I cannot relate. I can’t get one person to love me, how tf would I get 2? And the way she says “so sorry” like she...is not sorry. and I LOVE IT and it just really drives the point across, like, I’ve moved on, you didn’t say anything. 

favorite lyrics: “baby, he fell from grace, landed right in your place” “I wish you could turn back time, and hold me closer, instead of your pride” (OUCH BABY YES SING IT)

TRACK 4 MY OH MY: catch me shakin my ass to this till I die. I just love the FEEL of this. and her YELLING “I swear on my life that I’ve been a good girl” and the “Tonight I don’t wanna be her” like yes bitch let her be BAD for a night baby you GO GIRL. Listen, I will never get sick of the falling for a bad boy narrative. Sign me the fuck up, every damn time. Like, yeah? I’ve been good, time to be bad bitch. and her LAUGHS during the rap. I love her wow. The chorus is just so CATCHY. It’s just sooo bad boy narrative, my parents don’t like him, not being a good girl for the night, and again, always a hoe for that. ALWAYS.

favorite lyrics: “I said, if he kissed me, I might let it happen” “She know I’m a call away, she can drop a pin and I’d come meet her” 

TRACK 5 SENORITA: I’ve talked about this 5 million times, but I’m a proud mom so here we go again! The fact that they collabed again, was enough to fuel me for years, bc my prime was during IKWYDLS. What a good era. This song makes me feel DAMN SEXY. I want every song to make me feel this way. every time they say “oh la la” just send me to my grave. and shawn’s “call” during the chorus...speechless still. I love a good friends to lovers (in song and IRL we love that for them). I just love the aspect of yeah it’s hard to leave you but every time we touch just reminds me that this is all worth it. AGAIN with the TOUCH being just the most intimate way of knowing someone. 

favorite lyrics: “her body fit right in my hands” “you say we’re just friends, but friends don’t know the taste” “cause you know it’s been a long time coming, don’t you let me fall” 

TRACK 6 LIAR: this bb was my fave when it came out with shameless. I LOVE the whole theme of I said one thing but now you’re changing my mind and making me seem like a liar. I also love the trumpets. I love a good trumpet in a song if it’s used well. AND with the whole, yeah I’m a liar, and what about it? I like clapping along to the bridge in the car. and then fuckin dancing to the chorus. peep me screaming this in my car all the gah damn time. also, the lying to yourself? the worst kind. and this song just being the RECOGNIZATION of yeah... I am lying to myself. you KNOW? like that “oh fuck” feeling, like you’ve been denying it and denying it and denying it and finally you’re just like...oh shit. and then you just fuckin GO FOR IT because you realize it now and now we’re making up for lost time. and then the final “cause my clothes are on the floor” jaw DROP first time hearing that like yes baby. and I usually skip instrumentals at the end of songs bc I usually think they’re stupid and pointless ope but THIS is the only one I don’t skip because it’s too damn catchy

favorite lyrics: “I don't care, it's been too long, It's kinda like we didn't happen” “but what if you kiss me, and what if I like it?” 

TRACK 7 BAD KIND OF BUTTERFLIES: my heart hurts, honestly. like in that first chorus where she’s like you’re going to hate me after you find this out. just BREAKS me. it’s just very stuck between a rock and a hard place. she wasn’t going to win this fight. it was going to hurt no matter what she decided. she was going to hurt someone she cared about no matter what she chose. the way she says “tonight” with that note run yes baby yes. and like living proof, I love the high note chorus. and the way she says “the bad kind of butterflies like when you have something to hide” like I FELT that shit. those kinds of butterflies are the freaking WORST when you just know you have to tell someone about something because it’s just eating you alive. her voice just perfectly portrays the feeling this song encapsulates. 

favorite lyrics: “don’t look at me while I’m breaking” “I understand if you hate me” “I know I said we were friends and when I said that, I meant it, somewhere between now and then it became more than just a friendship”

TRACK 8 EASY: out of her songs that came out before the album was released, this was my favorite. just...i get so speechless and I have no words, it’s just so beautiful. like having someone who loves you, who sees your flaws, and doesn’t freaking care. like that first verse is like “yeah we both know I got flaws but you love me anyway.” and the whole thing of really, really knowing someone and really, really loving them is just so damn heartwarming. and feeling hard to love? yeah, Camila, I GET THAT. someone find me a man who feels this way about me. and just having someone...who loves you...until you can love yourself... I want one. and again with the TOUCHING, I see a theme here baby and I’ll talk more on that later. that bridge just freaking hits me and when she sang this on SNL I could just SEE how much this song meant to her and she looked so content singing it. 

favorite lyrics: “You tell me that you'd rather fight than spend a single peaceful night with somebody else” “tell me with your hands that you’re never leaving” “All I know is you saved me and you know it” 

TRACK 9 FEEL IT TWICE: this...hurt me. because this is my worst fear. like having someone fall for you, and you don’t feel it, and then suddenly to be in love with them and for them to be like I’m sorry but I don’t feel that way anymore. and I just love that this one is a lot less of “you fucked up” like should’ve said it and more like “I hate that things had to happen this way and I don’t want to hurt you but I can’t do anything else.” it’s heart-wrenching. and just WISHING that this wasn’t the case, but it’s just how it is. because that’s how love works. you can’t force it if it isn’t there anymore or was never there at all. and keeping the distance because there’s nothing else you can do and it’s the only option because there’s just this tension no matter what you do. because it’s there no matter what. and the PARALLEL of “how can I be your friend when I know the way you taste” and “but friends don’t know the way you taste” in senorita makes me think that she was writing this song while she was writing senorita and that’s why she added it in later. but pertaining to my life... I don’t relate because I feel everything like 8 million times and I catch feelings for anyone who looks at me and I go back and forth on crushes all the time (there are like 5 coming to my head rn wow I am the worst).

favorite lyrics: “Oh, I'm scared if I look in your eyes, I might see your soul, I know love is the loneliest place when you fall alone” “Sitting by the phone, holding onto hope” “I can feel you still staring at me when I look away” “I don't know what's worse, getting broken or making it break” (it’s hard to pick favorites for this one WHOOPS) 

TRACK 10 DREAM OF YOU: I like the music in this one a LOT. I feel this shit in my SOUL. and “he’s a right answer” reminded me of the most recent episode of The Good Place (iykyk). also, I don’t know WHY but I love the line with “a confessed sinner” bc, again, ya girl grew up Catholic. he got that post confession GLOW. that “I just got everything off my chest, and I feel GREAT.” and this one, with all she’s doing all day, is dreaming of him, yeah I am a hardcore daydreamer. so that’s me hello. and the transition of “I dream of you” to “I dream with you”...take my heart and throw it at a wall. the DESPERATION in “please say you dream of me too” like PLEASE tell me this is mutual because you literally take up all my time so please tell me you feel the same way. 

favorite lyrics: “And you squeeze my hands two times, three times” “I was not living, I was just writing about it” (this is me a lot and I feel attacked)

TRACK 11 CRY FOR ME: this high key reminds me of “Dead” by Madison Beer. but anyways. it’s so SASSY and I LOVE IT. I just love the feeling of someone moving on first, and then the other person moving on, and then the first person being like oh shit what you moved on what. like just wanting someone to HURT because what the FUCK? like why do you gotta do this bro? and just the yeah I know I shouldn't feel this way but fuck it. and I love that just lie to me. like you know what, tell me you miss me, so I can feel good about this. and the screaming in “HOW CAN YOU BE OK” like BITCH I’m HURTING so CRY PLEASE

favorite lyrics: “You said that, in this lifetime, you could never get over me? Are you over me?” “see her lips erasing me” 

TRACK 12 THIS LOVE: this is one of my favorites. I love how it’s soft? but also, not soft at all. like FUCK this love. the building walls just to watch them fall? like yes, sis I just wrote a poem about this a few months ago bc it is me. like that person, you built walls up before and they just keep knocking them down. and then you regret it, every time and build them up again (s/o to my shit middle school friend yike) and just the feeling of getting pulled in this cycle over and over again. you can just HEAR the desperation in her voice in parts of this and I love when you can hear that. I also like the use of “maybe” like this love is fucking hell but maybe don’t let me go just yet but on the other hand, maybe you should. AND ending with the “here I go again” just yeah stab me in the heart. 

favorite lyrics: “Waiting for you just in case one day it doesn’t hurt” “get out of my veins” “If you need your space, then just walk away”

TRACK 13 USED TO THIS: pull out your tissues ladies. I was most excited about this one, and she PULLED THROUGH and lived up to my expectations. I’m always a sucker for the whole vibe of “I hated this place but now I have this special memory there and now I love it.” the transformation from hate to love in so many ways. to find a person who does that, it just doesn’t happen a lot. now time to unnecessarily connect it to my life but not really because ladies and gents, I fell for my best friend. he was the most amazing guy ever. and he was my best friend and suddenly it was like...oh fuck. and the line about whispering his name differently and can’t you hear it? just reminded me of him right away. because of that FEELING of seeing them and knowing you have these feelings and being like...can you hear the change in my voice? (he didn’t btw. that was sad. this song will be “what could've been” for me. lol. bye). and the “feeling” with that touching again HELLO. and the drink clinks in the background love that. friends to lovers? yeah, sign me the fuck up. and I love the use of “definitely” like that hesitation of yeah it’s going to take me a sec but I’m DEFINITELY getting used to this. 

favorite lyrics: “No, I never liked San Francisco, never thought it was nothing special till you kissed me there” “It's the strangest feeling, midnight, I'm not leaving, no, for once, I think I'll stay" “I say your name, just listen, doesn't it sound different? Never whispered it this way” “And the calluses on your fingers, I admire them from a distance, now they're on my cheek” “oh, I've known you forever, now I know you better” “let’s get carried away” (i should’ve just copied and pasted the whole song I’m in love)

TRACK 14 FIRST MAN: ok. I know I said grab your tissues. but here’s where you really need them. when I say I sobbed, I freaking MEAN IT. like I was getting ready for school this morning at 6 am while listening to the album and it was only me and my dad awake and this just hit me so hard. I’m super close with my dad, so I really really feel this. Once the song was done, I went and found him and I was still crying and he’s like WHATS WRONG and I gave him a hug and I tried to explain what it was about and he’s like yeah no won’t listen to it. going to cry. then I texted him later and he listened and you bet my father cried as hard as I did. he literally said he was in the bathroom trying to compose himself (spoiler, my scary dad is soft af but don’t tell anyone and expose him. literally the other night i said i probably cry every day and he said yeah me too). it’s so soft, and just, yes this is happening, but that doesn’t mean I’m cutting you out of my life. like this man is everything you ever wanted for me, and I know this is damn hard, but it’s going to be worth it. and the transition of spending all the time with family to spending time with this man you want a future with. and like y’all know that breaks a parent’s heart but at the same time, it’s all they want for you. and the progression of just being with that guy and then to the wedding day. and the part where he says she’ll always be his little girl. ugh, this whole song is my dad and I love it and hate it because the amount of tears I’ve cried today is unhealthy. and in general, I just love how soft this is and you can just hear the love in her voice. I’m crying again hi. s/o to the good dads out there, and if you don’t have one, you can share mine. I genuinely cannot listen to this song without crying, yet I’ve listened to it like 6 times today. this song means so much to me and I honestly want it to be my father-daughter dance at my wedding,

favorite lyrics: “And I found someone I really like, maybe for the first time” “You held me so tight, now someone else can, but you were the first man that really loved me” “Now you're driving to the airport, not just me you pick up anymore” “You're looking at me while walking down the aisle, with tears in your eyes, maybe he deserves me, You don't even know how much it means to me now”

FINAL THOUGHTS 1) I AM SO HAPPY WITH THE WHOLE ALBUM. I love all of these songs so much, and they’re all so VISUAL just like she said they were going to be. I love when you can see a song. That is just so damn powerful.

2) THE THEME OF TOUCHING. guys, I am O B S E S S E D with this. like I said before, I think it is such a RARE form of intimacy and love for someone when you can communicate something with a touch. Like that hand on the shoulder or on your back or knee or whatever. but just KNOWING what they’re saying. I love how she addressed it multiple times and you see it weaved into so many songs of that touch communication.

3) I saw this on twitter, and I think it was part of an official review or something. But the journey of “hey I’m falling in love and here are the trials and tribulations of it” and then ending with “I can feel this way because you taught me” is just...so amazing and powerful. 

COME TELL ME YOUR OPINIONS, THOUGHTS, THEORIES LETS CHAT ABOUT IT I LOVE TALKING ABOUT THIS

[itsclydebitches]

RWBY Recaps: Vol. 5 "True Colors"

This is a re-posting from October 4th, 2018 in an effort to get all my recaps fully on tumblr. Thanks!

Guess who’s back, back again

Clyde is back, tell a friend

How long will my focus and work ethic last? Who knows, but with Volume 6 on the horizon and a fantastic new poster out, I’m feeling like it’s time to dive back into RWBY Recaps. Never too late to guiltily dust off an old project, right?

Right.

We’re back in Volume 5. Yes, I did a bit of Volume 1—extreme illusions of grandeur and productivity there—but we should really round out 5 before 6 comes knocking on the 27th. I’ve got almost a month. Let’s see how well I do, starting with “True Colors.”

We open on an image of Qrow and Ozpin together, notably Ozpin given the prim posture and ever-present coffee mug. Qrow makes the comment that things “aren’t looking good” and really? No shit, bird boy. We’ve gone from “Oh no, Ruby is having trouble becoming a leader!” to “Oh no… Weiss is trying to overcome a racist upbringing…?” and are now firmly in the territory of “OH NO a bunch of our faves are dead and Ozpin is forced to possess a child??” Things haven’t looked good for a while.

Ozpin is ever the optimist though. He points out that yeah, things are bad, but they could also be worse. “Humanity is a resilient force” he says, which oddly enough, sounds a lot like the kind of thing someone not a part of Humanity would say. Jury’s still out on whether Oz was the lowly farmer unfairly cursed by the gods, or a god himself justly punished for some sort of hubris… or something else entirely. It just strikes me as significant that he often distances himself from others in not just actions but speech as well. Could be a glimpse into his true nature, aka someone literally not human. Could also just be the result of spending thousands of years reincarnating while everyone else around you suffers and dies. That’ll make anyone feel subhuman…

Qrow challenges Oz’s happy-go-lucky attitude, reminding us that a huge number of pro huntsmen have been murdered and Salem couldn’t have achieved that on her own. She’s had help—and plenty of it. But Ozpin stands firm that it “doesn’t take a great number of people to cause harm” and there are “far more people in this world willing to prevent it.”

Enter our protagonist.

Subtle!

Ruby is adorable, as always, hesitantly approaching the two of them and awkwardly accepting the invitation to chat. It’s a striking difference in how she acts when it’s just her and Qrow, which is expected. Ozpin remains a much more distant authority figure and now he’s inhabiting the body of a boy her own age. I’d be a little unsure about how to act around him too.

Ruby finally asks what we’ve been worried about since the beginning of this Volume: if Cinder defeated Oz then does that mean Salem now has the Beacon relic? Luckily, no. Oz says he made finding the Beacon relic “a bit more challenging than at the other schools.” So Ruby asks the second question that’s been on our minds…

Ozpin: “No, my cane is not a relic.”

Ruby: “I have no more questions :)”

Okay now wait. I'm calling bullshit lol. That cane is 100% a relic. I mean could I be wrong? Absolutely. But it’s way more fun to be confident so I’m calling Ozpin out on this. For a number of reasons:

1. He’s absolutely the kind of guy to do what no one else expects. “The cane is so obvious!” Yeah, which means everyone will be looking for the relic elsewhere, hidden away like the Haven relic. Who the hell would have it out in the open? Ozpin. He would. Expect the unexpected.

2. He’s alsothe kind of guy who might lie to someone about it. Ozpin has been playing this game a long time and he’s not above a few smiles and carefully placed words if he thinks it’ll keep things on track. The Haven relic is the one currently in danger—no reason to announce the Beacon relic’s location and shift the team’s focus just because a former student asks him for the truth. It’s too dangerous and Ozpin is very adept at, as he says, playing things close to the chest. And I don’t blame him. That’s how you keep humanity alive.

3. The scene doesn’t show us Qrow at all who is a lot less adept at lying, to say nothing of the fact that—if he knows about the relic—he wouldn’t feel good lying specifically to Ruby.

4. Ozpin’s previous comment about how this relic is a “bit more challenging” seems significant. That is, why ONLY make the Beacon relic so difficult to find? All the relics are important so why not give them all the same precautions? Well, the answer is simple if your precaution is something you can only do for one of them: keep the relic with you.

5. Qrow, arguably Ozpin’s closest friend (husband-friend), was entrusted with getting the cane back to him and it’s used as the introduction between Oscar and Qrow. Seems like a pretty damn important object.

6. We’ve seen this cane fend off crazy powerful attacks and it never takes any damage. Granted, all the weapons in RWBY are pretty hearty, but Ozpin’s cane seems particularly indestructible. Almost like there’s something similar to magic surrounding it.

7. We’ve still got those gears. That cane transforms into something…

8. The fact that Ozpin immediately homes in on Ruby’s question, quickly counters it, and then tells her to leave (go gather the others). He’s in charge of the conversation here.

9. The fact that the scene suddenly turns light-hearted and humorous. We’re meant to shrug this moment off and not think too hard about it. Well, too late now.

Granted, Oz has a good explanation here. He states firmly that the cane is indeed precious, though only to him, and that it still “has a few tricks up its sleeve.” Nothing he says counters what we already know, yet it doesn’t reveal any of his cane’s secrets either. We’re still in the dark. So until we’re not I remain suspicious about his claim that it’s totally definitely absolutely not a relic.

(The headmaster doth protest too much.)  

(Edit Feb. 2019: I was so wrong, folks!!) 

But we’re moving on. Qrow gets a call from Lionheart asking them to meet up with him to discuss potentially going on the offensive against the bandits. Ruby is ecstatic and runs off. Ozpin? Not so much. He and Qrow both comment on how strange it is that Lionheart has suddenly changed his tune and the addition of some creepy music all but beats us over the head with, “It’s a trap!!” This time when Qrow says that things aren’t looking good Ozpin’s only response is, “I know.” So much for the pep talk.

We cut to Lionheart himself, having just finished up that call, and as we pull back who should we find but Raven. She makes blunt what we already know, “I never expected that you would be the one with the guts to betray Oz” while we get a nice crane shot so that we can see Raven circling him, standing while he’s seated—a predator stalking prey.

Though of course it’s not actually courage driving their actions here. It’s cowardice. At least Lionheart is willing to admit it. He says straight out that he’s terrified of Salem and doesn’t think anyone can beat her, so why not join the winning side? Raven, meanwhile, is still firmly in denial. “I’m not scared,” she says. “I’m smart.” Please, girl. You’ve spent your whole life running and you don’t know how to stop now. “Man up,” Raven continues (god that’s a terrible phrase). “You did what you needed to do to survive. There’s no shame in that,” which is where we see the divide between their morals and everyone else surrounding Team RWBY. They’re scared, but they fight despite their fear because they know it’s necessary to help both others and themselves. Raven is only out for herself and her selfish actions hurt family (Qrow), children (Yang), friends (her tribe), and allies (Ozpin) in the process.

“Who are you trying to convince?” Lionheart asks her. It's great seeing a villain who knows exactly where the line is even as they can’t help but cross it. RIP the complex ones.

We move back to Menagerie where Ilia and the others are still leading the attack on Blake’s family. Kali if BAMF here, snatching up a tray as both defense and weapon when her gun runs out of ammo. We get to see her clocking Yuma before we catch up with Blake and Ilia—and I enjoy the contrast in colors between these two scenes, from full blown battle (cold) to friends-turned-enemies (warm):

Ilia spouts the same arguments as Raven: she doesn’t have a choice about her actions. Violence is the only way to survive. Despite the rhetoric Blake is willing to let her go, but Ilia has other plans. The fight, while not spectacular, does showcase the clear parallels between them—both in their arguments and the use of long/short range weaponry. When asked why she doesn’t leave Blake responds that she runs away too much. Beyond the obvious theme from our title—everyone showing their “True Colors”—the focus of this episode is quite obviously who’s willing to fight for others and who’s only out for themselves; who’s able to distinguish between when a literal fight is necessary and when another avenue can be taken. We see time and time again that Team RWBY is leagues ahead of others in terms of that kind of maturity.

From a world building perspective I appreciate Ilia’s use of her camouflaging skills. It’s rare that we see the Faunus actually using their animal abilities (beyond Sun swinging around on his tail) and that’s definitely a useful one in battle… though it's undermined somewhat by having a weapon that lights up with electricity. Gotta think that one through…

And then Blake sETS THE HOUSE ON FIRE? Damn, girl! This isn’t even a real battle—at least not between the two of them. Ilia says two seconds later that Blake isn’t taking this seriously, neither of them truly wants to kill the other, so is burning down your house really the best option here? I always knew Blake was secretly the most dramatic of the bunch.

(That’s a lie. I'm sorry. The most dramatic is clearly Weiss, but she’d be proud of Blake’s ridiculously over-the-top strategy here, I’m sure.)

Blake manages to pin Ilia and keeps trying to talk her down. It works. Sort of. Ilia starts to cry as she admits that she doesn’t know what else to do, but at that moment Ghira comes crashing through the wall with another fight at his heels. (This family is rich enough that they don't care about the property damage.) And then we get this,

This is a sharp reminder that though Blake and Ilia might be fighting more with words than fists, the same can’t be said for her parents. They are, notably, in very real danger. The fight picks back up with Ilia clearly torn now between her loyalties. She defends herself though when Sun joins the fray, pausing only when Blake begs the two of them to stop. However, their fighting has already cracked the pillar holding up the second story and Ilia gets caught underneath. Surprisingly, she’s saved by Ghira (which tells us more about his character than all his bickering with Sun ever could) and there’s a nifty bit of teamwork used to get him out—Sun’s copies hold up the balcony; Blake uses her weapon to pull her dad to safety. The brother (Fennec) who tries to attack him from behind is justifiably crushed under the rubble.

Kali is safe and joins the gang. The fight is basically over, but Corsac attacks out of pure grief and rage, allowing Ilia to stun him from behind. Now I’ve got a lot of feelings about Ilia, most of which boil down to just plain not liking her. I already explained in depth my issues with her being the (so far) sole queer character on the show and this is now compounded with her supposed “redemption.” There are problems inherent in making the (again, only) queer character an antagonist, but there are more problems in making them an antagonist and then refusing to stand by that. Rooster Teeth had her as a complex villain and then the moment she was revealed to have feelings for Blake it’s, “Never mind! She’s good now!” in the span of half an episode.

And how does this redemption occur? Ilia attacks Blake and goes after Blake’s parents. She continues to attack them after being given numerous chances to walk away. She turns on her allies… only after the fight is won. If Ilia were a different kind of character her stunning Corsac could have easily been seen as a survival strategy rather than a true change of heart. They’re now outnumbered four to two, so—like Lionheart—why not quickly join the winning side? I honestly wish Ilia was out to double cross Blake if only because that would be consistent with her loyalties up until now. It would make sense.

In the grand scheme of things though these are minor points. What strikes me as far more significant is 1. that Ilia and her allies could have killed Kali and Ghira. I admit that she wasn’t fighting Blake full out, but the purpose of this attack was to assassinate her parents and the fight did lead to at least one death. That’s not just something you bounce back from. Maybe I’m an asshole, but I couldn’t wave that away as a “bad decision” like Blake does. They could have died. And 2. the most important of all, we’ve yet to see any true change in her thinking or ideology! Ilia joins the gang because she lost and she's left standing around awkwardly with Blake—the girl she’s in love with. Would Ilia have second-guessed her actions if they'd succeeded in their mission? I doubt it. In the aftermath of failure she's contrite, but Ilia was pretty damn adamant about killing humans---and the Belladonnas---just a few minutes ago. If her redemption is based on circumstance and her one-sided crush… that’s not a redemption I can get behind.

But it’s what we’re rushed into. Blake gives a rousing speech about how no, they can’t just use humans as a scapegoat for this attack. They can’t allow figureheads like Adam to speak for them. She says that they’re all “looking for simple answers to a very complex problem” and that despite it not being what they want to hear, she doesn’t know how to just “make hate go away.” That’s a huge development from the girl who went to Mountain Glenn and said passionately that she was going to change the world, but without any concrete ideas as to how to do that. Now Blake can admit her own ignorance and knows at the very least what not to do. They’re not going to change the world through violence like this—they won’t change it for the better, anyway.  

I’m with her through all that, up until Blake agrees to take Ilia to Haven. The guard yells out, “You’re just going to forgive her? After all she’s done?” and Blake says only, “Yes.” You know what that is? It’s a simple answer to a very complex problem. It’s painted as admirable on her part—Ghira says she’s learned the lesson of how powerful forgiveness can be—but I think this is RWBY’s fairy-tale simplicity shining through and it doesn’t fit with the heavy material we've been tackling the last few volumes. There’s a big difference between forgiving someone and making sure that they face consequences for their actions. There’s a difference between forgiving them and thinking practically about whether you can or should trust them with your safety and the safety of others. Hell, forgiveness usually takes more than five minutes and often times doesn’t happen at all! Ilia has done none of the work to justify Blake’s forgiveness and though having forgiveness handed to you might read as a beautiful ideal, it doesn’t work well in the gritty, complicated, racially loaded storyline that Rooster Teeth keeps trying to pull off. It feels cheap in the face of all that Blake suffered through this volume, especially when they turn Ilia’s actions into a literal joke. She stabbed Sun? No big deal! He pinched her and now they’re even! How much of a joke would this be if Ghira had suddenly collapsed from his own wound? Or Kali hadn't casually rejoining them entirely unharmed? Maybe I’m more bitter than I thought, but Ilia’s redemption feels like an unintended smack in the face.

The townspeople buy into the happy picture though and we get a chorus of them agreeing to join Blake in the fight to defend Haven. Plans are made to arm, train, and transport the people of Menagerie in two weeks time. Getting civilians into fighting shape that quickly might be a challenge, but at least Blake knows a ship captain who owes her a favor.

And that’s where we end this episode—forging a path for the future. Stay tuned for the next episode “The More the Merrier” as we count down to the Volume 6 premiere!

Other Details of Note

In that opening shot we have what looks like a pretty generic print on the wall—who doesn’t like sunsets?—except that it also shows a crescent moon without the broken pieces. Artist’s interpretation? Time before the moon’s demise? Animator’s forgetting about it while drawing the random painting that viewers are only going to see for about two seconds? You decide!

I really appreciate that Ozpin praises Ruby for being the first to realize the potential implications of the Beacon relic. She’s praised for her skill with Crescent Rose and for being one of the youngest to attend Beacon, but it’s rare that people comment on Ruby’s intellect. She’s smart as hell with one of the more strategic minds of the group—that’s partly why she makes such a good leader. It’s good to see someone, particularly her headmaster, acknowledging that.

After Qrow gets the call from Lionheart he immediately reaches for his flask… despite still having a steaming drink beside him. Apparently working with this guy was tough even before they knew he was loyal to Salem.  

Edit Feb. 2019: Lionheart says that “I’ve done things Ozpin will never forgive” and that’s one hell of a loaded line after hearing Ozpin’s thoughts on Lionheart in Volume 6.

“Sorry, Dad” Blake says right before she burns down their library. Somehow I don't think 'sorry' cuts it in this situation...

[jinjojess]

Oh, All-knowing Jess, hear my call and drive away my doubts: how was received in Japan the datamining of the beta of Pokémon Gold? What do you think about it? Are some Pokémon you like or want in actual games? (Personally, my favourite is that creepy Pinsir, for some reasons it reminds me of the Kaonashi from Spirited Away!)

You know, that’s a good question. I’ve seen some fanart and reactions on Twitter, but I didn’t really follow it much, sorry!

To make it up to you, I will now review all of the betas:

Chikorita! 

Yay! I think I’ve made it very clear that I am a big fan of this little plant nugget, so I don’t have much to add really.

10/10

AAAGGGGHHH?! 

What the fuck is this thing? How does this relate to Chikorita or Meganium, who are both largely unchanged from their beta designs? Where are the eyes? Like I’m diggin’ the tiny smug face-looking thing at the top of the bulb, but what’s the deal with the huge single eye down below? Where did the legs go? Why does the body shape change so drastically in the in-between stage when both the first and third stages are quadrupeds?!

0/10 would not trade Bayleef for it

Meganium

Whew, okay. Back on familiar ground here. Meganium is likely my least favorite of the Johto starters’ final forms, but I still like my big, dumb boy.

8/10

Tepkon 

Awww~!

So unpopular opinion, but for a long time I really disliked cyndaquil’s design. I’ve come around to it these days, but back when GS came out, it really put me off. This thing is absolutely adorable, and though the design isn’t super inspired, I still fucking love it.

7/10 wouldn’t trade cyndaquil for it, but would love to see the design reworked for future games

Chubby quilava

This is like quilava’s cousin who grows up to discover that he’s actually more of a bear than a twink. Really like it–seems very cuddly.

7/10 like quilava better but I support this thicc boi

Kirara

Seriously, this is basically just Kirara from Inuyasha. Not as crazy about this design as its pre-evos, especially since it seems like it’s trying to edge in on arcanine’s floof territory. An okay pokemon, but not a fave.

6/10 would not trade typhlosion for it

Baby Nessie

Totodile was one of those pokemon that I had been low-key hoping for, but I gotta admit that this is one adorable little fucker. Look at its stubby limbs! Its cute snoot! Its pudgy tail!

6/10 would not trade totodile but would love to see in another game

Let me clear my thoat (I hope ya don’t mind)

I am…less enthused about the middle evo. The eyes are cute and the little shy smile is to die for, but the…ballast? on its throat kind of looks like a giant boil and I’m not really here for that.

4/10 no thanks I’ll keep croconaw

Dragonair but with legs

The final evo I like a bit more–it looks like a dragonair that struck up a deal with Ursula the sea witch so that it could pursue its land-dwelling love. Now that the gem isn’t jammed right up under the chin it’s less off-putting, and the kind of fang-looking necklace is a Good Look.

6/10 still prefer feraligatr but GameFreak please dust off this design

Hoot-Hoot’s just really into henna right now

I’ve never been a huge fan of hoot-hoot, and I kind of like the extra markings. I assume they were taken off to make the design less busy as well as giving it a fanned tail, but I think I’d actually prefer this one.

5/10 would replace regular hoot-hoot with this one

It is the night

Okay, here we go! Now this is a cool-looking pokemon that would make training up a damn hoot-hoot worth it. Noctowl is a decent pokemon in the game since it means you get access to psychic moves early in the game, but I’ve always thought the design looked too goofy. I like irl owls a lot and this design really speaks to me.

8/10 go back in time and give teenage me this bird instead

Mareep

There’s not a ton to say here other than they lightened up mareep’s fleshy bits in the final release, and I like mareep quite a bit so there we go. Instead, I want to draw attention to this disaster of a backsprite. What am I even looking at? A giant ball of cotton candy that rolled through a bunch of broken candy canes?

9/10 I mean I like mareep, but I gotta take off a point for that awful backsprite

Flaaffy

Flaaffs seems largely unchanged. I’m pretty partial to this boi as well, especially since I had one following me for a bit in my Japanese Soul Silver game.

8/10 I like flaaffy, but fuck that name spelling

Ampharos

One of my fave Gen 2 pokemon! Doesn’t seem to have much different about it, though I did always question where the delightful floof went. I mean we get it back in the mega evolution but still. What was that about, GameFreak?

9/10 docked a point for lack of floof

Mikon

So this is clearly a pre-evo idea for vulpix, and it’s pretty damn cute. I love that with the addition of this member to the family, it’s confirmed that the line increases its number of tails by 3 every time it evolves. I like this, but I’m not entirely sold on it. The face lacks some detail and I feel like the design isn’t different enough from vulpix to really feel necessary.

7/10 it’s cute but I don’t think vulpix needs a pre-evo

Mahou Shoujo Green

This tangela pre-evo is pretty cute, though the body underneath kind of reminds me a bit too much of oddish. I mean maybe it’d be cool to look at the oddish line and the tangela line and see how two related species had off-shoots, but I am not really the biggest fan of baby pokemon as an institution so these will all be a hard sell for me, sorry.

6/10 again, cute but unecessary

Tangrowth as imagined by CalArts

I loved tangela a lot back in the day, and tangrowth is a really interesting pokemon as well…however this one has a little bow and ringlet hair so like, no contest, really.

9/10 this should be an alternate evo option for tangela (perhaps for females?)

i could be your angle or yuor devil

So this one is kinda cool in concept. It’s clearly drawing influence from Japanese kites, and the scary face might be an evolutionary feature designed to scare off predators…that or it’s a flying/ghost or flying/dark type and the angel imagery is the ruse. Either way I fucking love this thing.

10/10 I want this concept revisited

Qwilfish

I like qwilfish a lot! It’s got cool typing, it can perform decently on a rain team, and it’s based on a pufferfish. It’s definitely an underdog in the wider world, but not in my heart.

10/10

The Fish Who Lived

I have…reservations about this evolution though. As cool as it would be to have a qwilfish evolution, this just isn’t doing it for me. It’s kinda cool that it’s shaped like a naval mine, and the Harry Potter scar is pretty cute, but I can get over the dead-eyed stare.

4/10 yeah no I think I’m happy to wait for better evo ideas to come along

Pichu

Pichu’s cute enough I guess but I’ve never liked it as much as pikachu and sure as hell not as much as my boy raichu. However if the baby version was this roly poly cutie, I think I’d be more into it. This style of pre-evo harkens back to the good ol’ days of fat pikachu, and therefore I must doff my cap to it.

8/10 with a bit of polishing I would take this over pichu for sure

Cleffa

Okay, so of the baby pokemon, of which I am generally not fond, cleffa is by far my favorite because of how cute it is. This is also extremely cute. I like picturing the trainer being able to just grab the thing by the little knob on its head if it’s heading toward danger. Plus that tail nub is so cute! I don’t know that I could choose between this version and the actual cleffa.

9/10 would be a 10 but Nate once said “what if cleffa’s hands were its nipples?” and now I can’t unsee it

Igglybuff

Iggly has always reminded me of the Powerpuff Girls, but this beta version is so…delightfully round. God, it’s like hypnotizing how round it is. You wouldn’t have to show this from above to trick someone in a silhouette quiz. The tiny, wide-set eyes are also both piercing and kind of unassuming, which I can’t decide is cute or terrifying.

8/10 think I’d swap this guy in for the existing igglybuff

Quagsire!

I freaking LOVE quagsire. It’s so derpy, I love water/ground types, and just everything about it is cute and makes me want to hug it. The only problem with it in this beta is that there’s no wooper.

10/10 bring wooper with you bro

Natu

I’ve always thought natu was cute and really neat in concept, but I’ve never actually sat down and trained one. This sprite isn’t too different from its final one, but it is missing the color scheme, which is one of the reasons I like it.

6/10 stop being so washed out!

Xatu

Also largely unchanged from its final design, though I do prefer the Silver sprite where its wings are spread. (And I’m sorry about this, but some of the pictures will have bits of other sprites in them, since it was hard cutting these all down in Paint with a trackpad.)

7/10 very unique

Prince(ss) of the sea

Is this a pre-evo of goldeen and seaking, and I can see why it was cut. Who thought either of those would be popular enough to warrant a baby form?

2/10 fuck yeah was a meme guys, it wasn’t sincere

Marill

Marill’s okay. I think it’s fairly cute, and the design they went with using smaller ears and non-clown feet is better imo. Plus this is really minor but it’s bothering me that despite the codename “pikablu” this sprite is pink.

6/10 solid cute pokemon, but the final design is better

Finding Flounder

So I’m a big fan of lanturn because of its digimon-esque eyes and its cool typing. Chinchou I’m…eh on. This cutie though, I could get used to this.

8/10 cute eyes are better than terrifying cross eyes I’m sorry

Clanker’s Cavern

As I just said, I like lanturn a lot. However, this is a shark with an anchor attached. That’s like if you left dhelmise and sharpedo at the day care on the same day an enemy team spilled plutonium all over the yard. It’s so stupid! I love this thing so damn much.

8/10 it’s way too similar to other existing pokemon, but I still kind of want it anyway

Homsar

This thing kind of scares me. The gaping mouth, the wide eyes, and the fact that it clearly would inhabit deep parts of the ocean all make me want to nope out. That said though, I respect it.

6/10 glad they came back to this idea with elektross

Crobat

If you’ve ever battled me in one of our local or online tournaments, you will know that I have a soft spot for crobat. I think golbat’s design is kind of terrible, zubat is simplistic yet kinda cute, and crobat gets to be both cute/cool and also not suck completely in battle (see what I did there?). This design seems mostly unchanged.

8/10 a very good bro

Most likely to drive an airbrushed van

This paras pre-evo looks like it’s inspired by a lovely whimsical creature from Wonderland or Fantasia. I kind of like having a pre-evo to show that at the start the sinister mushrooms allow the baby para to call the shots, biding its time until takes over the entire nervous system as a parasect. Really not feeling the face, though.

5/10 cute, interesting idea, but I don’t know if I want to add more baby pokemon to the mix

Spinarak

I have some mild arachnophobia, but I actually rather like spinarak since it’s so adorable. This version is a little more true to life and not as adorable. Also wtf GameFreak stop giving your arachnids six legs!

5/10 very much prefer the final design but kinda reminds me of the little jumpy bois I catch and release from inside my apartment sometimes

Ariados

Again with the six legs thing. Ugh. Anyway, this beta version of ariados is actually much cuter than the one we ended up getting in the final game. I’m pretty lukewarm on ariados in general (my spider boi of choice is the far superior galvantula), but look at this thing’s face! Look at the face on its body! It’s cute even when it’s trying to be scary!

6/10 why did we not get this adorable boi?!

Skarmory

It’s skarmory. That’s it. A pokemon that I like in theory but have never been super into his design.

5/10 respectably cool but not my cup of tea

Alphonse Elric’s head in chibi form, screaming as his body melts

Here it is. My favorite of all of the beta sprites. This thing is so fucking wonderful in part because I have literally no idea what the hell it’s supposed to be. What is this?! What type is it supposed to be? What is it based on? Is it a pre-evo of an existing mon? Why is its mouth parted in an eternal screech? These questions do not necessarily have answers, and I am a sucker for mystery.

10/10 GameFreak please bring this idea to life just so that I can get closure

Mine! Mine!

So I see what they were going for. It’s a baby form of doduo, with three baby bird heads and a big puff of feathers to make it look like a brood peeking out of a nest. I respect the idea, I do. Too bad it also conjures up images in my head of rat kings and other fused abominations. 

5/10 a good idea that didn’t pan out so well

[Obligatory Undertale Reference]

Sunflora would actually probably be more intimidating if it had an evolution rather than a pre-evo, though. I’m no big fan of sunflora, but I gotta say that this sprite is way better than the one we ended up getting.

6/10 replace existing sunflora with this bullet seed-spewing former skiddo

The Littlest Babaar

I’ve never really been into elephants as a species. Like they’re cool, but they’re pretty middle of the pack for me in terms of my animal preferences. As a result, I always found donphan kind of disappointing. However, I do like phanpy quite a bit, if only for the fact that it’s goddamn adorable. This sprite is a bit plain, but does bring the cuteness.

6/10 prefer the final design but this one ain’t bad at all

Donphan

The Don hasn’t changed much at all as far as I can tell. I’ve never trained one in Gen 2, so is its backsprite really just its trunk? If so, hilarious.

5/10 congrats! you exist!

That’s the statement of the grave mint, Doublemint

I can’t decide if this was intended to be a pre-evo for ghastly or if it’s supposed to be a new ghost type (perhaps later replaced by misdreavus?). Either way it’s an interesting concept, and I can imagine the pokedex entry now: “Born from the souls of fetuses who were eaten in-utero by their siblings. Since they feel they were destined to be twins, they find each other shortly after death and fuse together so that they’ll never be alone again.”

7/10 not the most original design but damn we had a shortage of ghost types back in the day

Girafarig

Girafarig is one of those pokemon that I always wanted to be more competitively viable because I think it has a unique design and could fill a cool niche. I like that the final design has the tail as an evolutionary measure and that there’s a smaller brain in it, just like some real life creatures. That said, we really missed out on getting a face full of evil uniraffe in the backsprite. Man, this is a real tough choice.

7/10 let’s keep girafarig as is and try out this concept on a different mon

Smeargle

This version of him seems a bit more…simian than his final, kinda canine design. Not sure if I dig it. Also, have you noticed that Gen 2 felt obligated to have a ditto/mew type mon that could mimic all the other mons? I feel like this concept gets revisited every so often and GameFreak thinks we’re none the wiser.

5/10 flesh beret just isn’t okay

Coin Kitty

So I know I said I’m against baby pokemon on principle, but the fact that this thing never saw the light of day upsets me so much. It’s so. fucking. CUTE.

10/10 go back in time and replace skitty with this

Betty Boop’s best friend

I get the feeling that this dark type cat got recycled into the purrloin line, but this one is way cooler imo. It references the old adage of “belling the cat” and I think that this pokemon line could have had some really cool sound-based signature moves (sorta similar to the whismur or jangmo-o lines).

9/10 not feeling the bipedal thing, but still a really neat concept I’d like to see

Luna

Again, I love the idea of a pokemon based on a fable. I can see why this particular design didn’t get used, given how simple it is and how closely it resembles umbreon if you just glance at it, but I’d love to see this revisited.

7/10 spruce up the design a bit and get back to me

Politoed’s wild ride

So when I first met politoed I felt he was a bit too…cutesy? Like the rosy cheeks were a bit much. This guy feels a bit more like he belongs in the poliwag line, though he doesn’t look like he’d be as bouncy.

6/10 might replace existing politoed design, might not

Slowking

Though I prefer slowbro as my yadon evo of choice, slowking is pretty awesome in his own right. Not a big fan of the clown ruffle, but honestly it’s kind of a minor setback all things considered. 

7/10 remember how he could randomly talk in the 2nd pokemon movie? That was fucked up.

Unknown

All of these cool, unsued beta designs, and this one gets to stay in?

1/10 don’t talk to me right now, GameFreak

Ledyba

It’s ledyba. One of the bug types I’m actually not really all that into. Pretty sure this is the sprite actually used in Gold.

4/10 fine just not for me

I see you

Ledian’s deal as a superhero is kinda cool, even if I don’t particularly care for the actual design. And I gotta say, it’s preferable to the ever-watching eyes of this thing. Those stars aren’t natural; they’re tattoos for each trainer its killed.

3/10 I feel like I need to go lie down

My Little Shetland Pony

Clearly this is intended to be a ponyta baby form, and while I commend the idea of a foal version (or maybe a Shetland or something?), you may notice that there is very, very little to set this pre-evo apart from ponyta. Like it and and rapidash aren’t exactly the most daring design-wise, so stripping it to the essentials doesn’t really work.

5/10 this is cute as all hell but it has no reason to exist

Espeon

Though I get shit all the time for liking espeon the least out of all the eeveelutions, I do still think the design is neat, and the fact that it draws from the nekomata myth is fascinating. Backsprite is a bit janky in the hips department–yet another unrealistic beauty standard, amirite ladies?

7/10 I personally don’t think there are any bad eeveelutions

Umbreon!

My absolute favorite Gen 2 pokemon! Not many changes between this and the final design, though I will say that this one looks a lot more terrifying–the hole eyes are worse than the red ones somehow. Still, love.

10/10 listen this is my personal rating

Alolan Shellder

This one is so fascinating to me. It’s obviously the chompy boi from slowbro and slowking, which in the pokedex is referred to as a shellder, but perhaps this is a unique evolution that only happens when it disconnects from the slowpoke? I am really upset this wasn’t actually used in the game, because getting to have this thing on the same team as slowpoke, slowbro, and slowking would have been like when Banjo-Tooie introduced the mechanic that let Banjo and Kazooie split up.

10/10 give me, dammit!

Garbage Pail Kid

Again with the baby form for a line that already is known for extremely simple designs. Grimer and muk are literally just piles of slime of differing sizes. (Shut up, Alolan forms weren’t a thing til later.) So basically this baby form is fucking adorable, and I’m loving the thing that could be a nose but I’m choosing to interpret as a mouth with a single tooth. It’s just that…who needs this?

7/10 cute, but not necessary by any stretch of imagination

Are ya feelin’ lucky, punk?

Okay, so this beta is a) way cooler than remoraid ended up being, and b) makes the evolution line make SO MUCH more sense. I can definitely see why it was changed, especially since censor-happy America was a legit market by that point. And I guess the revolver barrel part of the design still persisted in Gen 2, but still.

5/10 booo censorship!

TANK!

Octillary’s name also makes way more sense with the original tank design. I mean I can kinda see why this changed, but like…Digimon was over there with a creature in the anime just literally called Tankmon who shoots shells at elementary schoolers so I don’t fucking know. 

7/10 I like octillary as is, but this is a much more interesting design

WWE fan

Okay so real talk, I am not the biggest fan of tyrogue’s design, but what was even going on here? What’s with the frog hat? Is it a safety helmet? The general hitmonlee body shape combined with the baby boxing gloves for hitmonchan was pretty cool, but this is not something I’d look at and think “Yes, this will grow up to be a humonoid fighting type.”

5/10 it’s…cute? I guess I just don’t see what’s going on here really

shaga;lsdkfhahdgajspd[f

NO. JUST NO. THERE ARE TOO MANY THINGS HAPPENING HERE, TOO MANY LIMBS, TOO MANY EYES, JUST NO. HITMONTOP ENDED UP BEING SILLY BUT AT LEAST IT WASN’T THIS MANGLED BODY HORROR NONSENSE.

0/10 for reminding me of claydol and my own mortality

Pupper

This is going to come as a surprise, but I’m glad they didn’t introduce a baby form of growlithe. The growlithe and arcanine line includes 2 of my top 3 pokemon ever and as cute as this is I don’t think it would fit aesthetically. It looks like a spaniel that doesn’t match the shisa vibe of the growlithe line. That said, I would love to see it as a first form for a different line of perhaps…ground type doggos?

9/10 please give us some floppy ear dog designs, GameFreak! new doggos!

Like, nya

I do think the hoppip line (except for the last evo) is pretty cute, and this one reminds me a bit of an in-training digimon so I’m liking it. That said, I think the designs we got were better.

6/10 cute but like existing hoppip

Gardnyar

Again, prefer Skiploom.

5/10 not a fan of the flower for some reason

Nyancat theme plays in the distance

So I like this better than jumpluff personally, even if the other is probably a more unique design.

5/10 jumpluff’s limbs bother me, but lbr I was never going to train one anyway

New this Easter

Mr. Mime, I think we can all agree, is an unsettling design. That’s its whole appeal, really. Mime Jr. is cute enough I guess, but this is a tiny clown egg that looks like it’s learning to ice skate for the first time!

6/10 get your derpy clown nose out of here, Mime Jr.

Agatha’s apprentice

Smoochum is…well, she is. She’s kinda cute, and I think I prefer the finished design to this one since it looks way too similar to grown up jynx. Plus it raises some uncomfortable questions about it being born with ganguro make-up and hair (in a style that looks like E4 Agatha’s for some reason). This smoochum looks like it’d be taken out to sit alone at the bar in the club while wearing booty shorts that read “Mama’s Lil’ Bitch” across the back.

4/10 this makes me uncomfortable, and the hair is too close to Agatha’s

Which way to the Chao Garden?

Elekid is one of few baby pokemon I like, but hot damn this thing is adorable. It looks like a tiny, wingless bee with a halo.

7/10 can this be recycled as something else?

Bart Simpson

Really what keeps me from fully embracing the magmar line is largely the fact that they all have butts on their heads. These spikes are way more appealing to me, and so I would have loved having this one in the game.

8/10 is it still too late to redesign magby?

Bellossom

Not too many changes from the beta. I am digging the shoujo sparkles going on around her, haha.

6/10 not a big bellossom fan but a well-design pokemon nonetheless

Audrey III

Nope, I don’t like this, no sir. Where would this even go in the evo line? Is it supposed to be an alternative to victreebel? Cause this isn’t much better, guys.

1/10 I will give it one point since it looks like it could cut a rug on the dance floor

Miltank

A good, solid pokemon I’m pretty fond of (once I got over my salt from the Whitney battle). I like her as a female counterpart to tauros. Nothing too astounding but still fun and cute.

8/10 

Fire Seal

I feel like there’s folklore here, but my tired brain isn’t coming up with anything at the moment, sadly. Not a really detailed design but those tend to be more my favorites anyway. Trying to figure out what this was replaced by in the final game but I’m having a tough time figuring it out.

7/10 we have a lot of seals, but this is the only FIRE seal

Delibird

I see we chose the path with more subtlety in the end.

4/10 not really a big fan of delibird

Hanshin Hopeful

Okay, I know I said earlier that the screaming pile of goo was my favorite, but this line is also my favorite out of these beta designs. This one upsets me because this would have been such a great cultural addition! Osaka (represented by Goldinrod City in the games) has a baseball team called the Hanshin Tigers, which everyone in the area is a fervent fan of. Not only is this unbearably cute, it could have been hanging out in like a little baseball stadium area or something in or around Goldinrod. 

10/10 how could you leave this out?!

Nandeyanen!!

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Why did I not get this?! The Akihabara of Osaka is even called “DenDen Town” (Electric Town)!

10/10 we’ve missed our chance and now amends cannot be made

Talk to the wing

Is this supposed to be a farfetch’d evolution?! It doesn’t make a ton of sense aside from the waterfowl connection, but like…how pissed would you be if you were farfetch’d? This is kinda cool. I’m not super into swans or anything, but the masquerade/crime fighter mask is a neat detail.

5/10 I could see this being used interestingly, even if I’d probably not use it

Hitori Kakurenbou

I love this concept. Look at this! I know it was basically recycled for shuppet’s line, but this is so much more hardcore. Now this is a pokemon that can use curse appropriately.

10/10 personally like this one better than shuppet, if I’m being honest

Hsien-ko

This is the most Chinese pokemon since arcanine, oh my god. It’s a panda jiangshi. A panda jiangshi! Imagine it hopping after you adorably, ready to leech life you to death.

9/10 it’s not as cute as the pre-evolution, but still–panda jiangshi!!!

Murkrow

Not a lot of changes going on here either, aside from the more obvious witch’s hat design. Unsure if I like this one better or regular murkrow.

7/10 good flappy friend

*uncomfortable cough*

Blissey’s design is a bit too busy and frilly for my tastes, but it’s certainly a lot more acceptable than this. I get what they were going for: a heart on top of its head to represent healing and whatnot, but it just came out so…so yonic in nature that I have to wonder about the person responsible for this design.

1/10 not entirely awful but good lord

Scisor

Here’s the boi, only this time with eyes on his little crab claws! It’s cute but later got used for hydregion instead, and I dunno, I kind of prefer scisor as is. Still think scyther looks cooler, but a good strudy boi.

6/10 for the puppet shows it could give to entertain all the baby forms on this sprite sheet

Pinsir Noh Pinching

Here’s your fave, anon! You’re right that it seems to have a blank Noh-like mask on its face, as if a huge pinching bug wasn’t terrifying enough for you. That said, I kind of like the really creepy vibe, and poor pinsir got left in the dirt by his rival scyther once Gen 2 hit and gave scyther an evolution but nothing for his clampy comrade.

6/10 we could still get a pinsir evolution, guys

Houndour!

As you might expect of me, the houndour line is a close second to umbreon for Jess’s Favorite Gen 2 Pokemon. It combines two types I love, fire and dark, into this edgy but adorable package–what could I not love about it? This design is actually even better than the final one, because look at that sick-ass spine highlighting the ribs that got left in!

10/10 you cannot half ass edge; that misses the point

Houndoom!

Houndoom, meanwhile, looks pretty much as I remember him in Gold. And there’s nothing wrong with that–his design is fucking amazing. Man, kids, back in the metagame in Gen 2, houndoom was firmly in the top tier. Ah, I remember those days…

10/10 like a shark, houndoom has passed through decades without major tinkering to its evolutionary design

Baby yeti

Long before froslass burst onto the scene, this little bundle of deceptively charming horror could have been the first ice/ghost type. Yes, yes, it’s very adorable upon initial inspection, but once you look a bit deeper, you notice that the pokemon itself is actually black as night, with two piercing Jawa eyes, and the happy fur coat is another creature that’s been skinned and put on like a hoodie. Amazing.

10/10 I’ll take four

Wampa

I started on Star Wars references in the last entry and I gotta keep it going. Anyway, the evolution of tiny, arctic Buffalo Bill up there is even more fearsome, with claws and pupils! It’s even somehow found a way to make its fur covering evolve with it, having it sprout huge fangs (yeah I know, adults probably hunt larger creatures for clothing, but let me have this).

10/10 this so should have been a thing

Pon de Lion

I wonder if perhaps this design was meant to be an alternate form or evolution of porygon, or if this was an entirely different species based on toys (presumably to pad out the number of steel types). It’s an interesting idea, certainly, but I 100% get why this design got scrapped–it was a lawsuit from Mr. Donut waiting to happen.

Ugh

Did you know that horses produce 10 gallons of saliva a day? I now do thanks to Nate quizzing us over vacation last weekend to see if we could tell the difference between real animals and pokemon based on factoids. Now, lickilicky was not a new evolution I embraced with open arms, but man, it could have been so much worse.

2/10 I can’t say there’s no appeal (that mustache is great) but it just looks slimy and no thanks

Steelix

It’s steelix, unchanged from this beta to the final game.

7/10 I just think it’s neat

Sunken Master

I would like kingdra so, so much more if this is what it looked like.

9/10 this is goddamn cool and no one can convince me otherwise

Shadow the Edgedog

I’m not gonna lie, I fucking love this stupid design. It’s an electric dog with super sayain hair. 

10/10 fuck you, I do what I want

Oscar Myer

Do I find this design cute? Yes. Do I personally like it more than entei’s? Yes. Do I think it’s a better design than entei? No. It’s a bit too plain to really give off that legendary feel, but for me? I’d totally take this in a game. Also at least the last two have actually looked like dogs. The Legendary “Dogs” we got were a tiger, a lion/bear hybrid, and whatever the hell suicune is supposed to be.

8/10 I am a simple woman with simple needs

Jen Kira

I see people likening this design to Nina Tucker, but I actually don’t see that. It looks more to me like a special edition My Little Pony toy from the 80s released to promote The Dark Crystal. I dig it, even if it’s my least favorite of the three OG doggos.

8/10 if only some of the pizzazz of this design was afforded to fiery boi up there and we’d be onto something

Rook

This weasel/otter type thing is really cute, and perhaps was a concept idea for what later became sentret? I’d say I would want to see it again, but I kind of get the feeling we already did get the concept revived in the mienfoo line.

6/10 glad we got to see this one again

Ho-oh

Doesn’t seem too different from the sprite in the final game, and still a good design. That said though, I’m noticing that there’s no lugia in these beta sprites. What the fuck is that?!

7/10 got bros over this ho(-oh)

Togepi

This little bugger was introduced so early in the anime that I’m not surprised that its design was firmed up by the time the demo came out. Togepi’s okay I guess, but again I don’t really tend to like baby pokemon and I got kind of over-exposed to it in the anime.

6/10 cute but not a fave

Snubble

SNUB PARTY!! Snubs has the dubious honor of being the only dog pokemon I actively dislike. I like granbull so I can put up with it temporarily to get it to evolve, but this does a lot of things on my Dislike Checklist: aggressively pink, check; clown ruffle, check; appears to be wearing a dress, check.

4/10 not a fan

Boscoe

This early version of aipom looks like Marsupilami if it had been created by the Fleischer brothers. Something about this design just isn’t Right, but I can’t put my finger on it. I think it’s the 1930s American animation style face combined with walking on all fours? Either way it creeps me out.

3/10 though aipom is a very middle-of-the-road pokemon for me, it’s a helluva lot better than this abomination

Leafeon Prime

If you had asked us kid pokemon fans back in the days of Gen I what pokemon we’d most like to see in the future, I imagine “grass type eeveelution” was near the top for many of them. It just made sense–you had the leaf stone just sitting around, not reacting to your eevee, and it was so blatantly conspicuous. I had my own grass type eeveelution design I’d made called “Thorneon”, the design of which I might share at some point, and I was far from the only one.

So yeah, I’d have appreciated this a LOT in Gen 2. I was disappointed it wasn’t introduced in Gen 2. However, promises of a grass type eeveelution in Gen 4 got me to finally pull the trigger on getting a DS to play Diamond and Pearl, and that turned out to be an execellent decision. So maybe it was better that they kept this idea incubating for a bit longer.

10/10 I like leafeon and I also like this design–particularly like the vine bits that look like scars

And so there you have it! All 100 beta sprites reveiwed by yours truly. 

Hope it was worth the wait, anon!

[blazingdarkness]

Ask Meme From a Real Long Time Ago

Okay so @vonlipvig​ tagged me in this forever ago and I filled most of it out but didn’t have the executive function to finish but I just did another one by them and that gave me the motivation, so here we are!  Italics’d stuff was written today; everything else is from before.

1. Sweet or savory? (And what’s your fave food from the one you choose?)

This was going to be close until I remembered just how much I fucking love cheese.

2. If you could live in any fictional universe, which one would it be?

Given the option, I would immediately immigrate to Saturn in Origin from Effulgence, provided I was still able to phone and message all the people who still live here and traveling for visits wasn’t too inconvenient. Post-scarcity society? Benevolent nigh-omnipotent empress? Yell Heah. I’d obviously be good in almost any Belled society, but some advantages that Pattern has over anybell else imo:

- Saturn just seems more whimsical than most other places?  An obvious exception is Chronicle, which would still be Great, but I feel like convenient communication with my friends and family would be less likely there.

- Awesome national (...planet..al?) anthem

- The part where Pattern just let people line up and she granted them wishes was very nice and, if I recall, didn’t seem like a Strictly One-Time Occasion. In general, seems to have one of the best relationships with her public.

- Rings! Rings in the sky and living in bubbles.  I love it.

- I could be wrong, but it seemed we’ve seen more of her actually doing day-to-day ruling except for maybe like, Eve, and I really enjoyed seeing that.

- Oh, also I have no idea where this thought came from, but for some reason I have the expectation that if there was a Chelsea Reserve, it would be in Origin? And I would want to try that out for at least a month or two every couple of decades I think, provided certain safeguards were very definitely, solidly in place, and it would be convenient if they were in the same universe.

Juli I realize you have absolutely no context for this and for that I’m sorry lol.

Just kidding it’s Singleton!  I’ve read “Will” since writing that and, while Origin is nothing to sneeze at, a Friendly AI world where all problems are basically already solved is 👌👌👌.  Also Tarinda pls wake me up from cryosleep and be my perfect girlfriend I love you.

Juli I realize you still have absolutely no context for this and for that I’m still sorry lol

3. Put your music on shuffle and write down the first three songs (+a fave lyrics, if you want)

These weren’t strictly the first three songs, but they were the first three that don’t give a gross misrepresentation of my current personality, I guess?

“It’s Over, Isn’t it?” from Steven Universe—“war and glory, reinvention; fusion, freedom, her attention”

“Jackass in a Can” from Galavant—“an over-muscled, chauvinistic, self-indulgent, egotistic, stingy, prissy, narci-sissy jackass in a can! (oh my god, that’s me)”

“Everything Else” from next to normal—“There’s harmony, logic; you listen to these; you don’t hear his doubts, or his debts or disease”

what can I say, I’m a sucker for wordplay.  Also, it might be worth noting that basically all of my music is from something or at the very least strongly reminds me of a particular work of fiction.  It just largely doesn’t occur to me to buy songs that I hear on the radio, even ones I really like.

4. Where would you most like to travel to?

Austria, probably, as I assume we’re limited to places that it’s currently possible for a layperson to go?  I really, really want to see Tanz live, and that seems like the best shot, as well as just a Place I Want to Be.

This was less the place I would most like to travel to and more just a place that I would like to travel to.  But I can’t think of a better one right now!

5. What’s the last dream you had that you remember?

I really don’t remember my dreams that often!

6. Do you have any OCs? And if so, would you switch lives with any of them, or no?

Yeah, a few, none particularly well-developed.  But my boy Iorant lives thousands (?) of years in the future where everyone is immortal and has been for long enough that people set up elaborate MM LARPing scenarios. The one he’s in is set only a few hundred years ahead of us in a solarpunk city where every interpersonal would-be fight is solved with not-Yugioh duels, and that’s a life I would not mind living.

I swear by the hope of the earth that I came up with the setting for this before reading “Will” and “Testament.”

7. Pasta: “al dente” or more cooked/softer?

Al dente all the way, baby!

8. Do you play any sports? Would you like to learn any?

Not presently.  I don’t think any of the physical activities I might like to learn fit my definition of a sport, but I did take 14 years of dance growing up and then have been in a few musicals where it featured heavily.  And then pretty soon I’m going to be in two more, at least one of which features dance heavily and I’m very excited.

9. If you had to pick two people (let’s keep it fictional) to be with you in a zombie apocalypse, which ones would you pick?

Do they keep any magic they have?  Cause if so, there’s no way I’m not going with a Bell and their pet masochist (the magic system they use runs on pain; everything’s consensual.). Otherwise...Bells are probably too clumsy to be worth the advantage their minds would give?

It’s 1am and I don’t have the energy to finish whatever I was going to say here and I really want to get this posted tonight, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

10. What’s your favorite book?

I don’t think any glowfic counts as a book per se, so Radiance.

[matthewmrdock]

You Never Know - College!Daisy Johnson AU

College!Daisy Johnson x College!Reader AU

Summary: y/n isn’t exactly interested in a relationship. Until she sees Daisy, then she’s just whipped.

Warnings: Very Slight Drinking?

A/N: This is an entry for the writing challenge @prettyyoungtragedy is having! And I noticed there aren’t that many Daisy Johnson fanfics, so I wanted to show one of my faves some love, but this may bomb but that’s okay. But I hope you guys enjoy it! And most of the characters are roughly the same age (college student age) except for the professor, and I know some are waaaaaay older than others in the movies but that’s not the case here.

Word Count: 1,760

“How about her? You two would be cute together.”

“I’ve told you a thousand times, Buck, I’m not interested in having a relationship right now. I’m not like you, you know.”

He chuckles at your comment. He knew it was true. It was practically a law for Bucky Barnes to have a lady by his side at all times. You on the other hand, not so much. Having no problem with this, it just wasn’t you.

The light brown haired girl across the diner was awfully cute, anyone with eyes would know that. Her black colored nails tapped on the side of the mug, as she sat with a platinum blond man who appeared to be her brother. Her green eyes sparkled from the dimly lit lights in the ceiling, casting an ominous shade of yellow light around the room and still she looks like an angel.

“Whatever you say, love. I know you.”

Yes, you. The same you who was busy enough studying for finals without trying to find a date. Bucky’s priorities on the other hand, were apparently not the same.

“Eat your pancakes, asshole. You can find me a girlfriend after school is done. Even though I am perfectly fine on my own right now.”

“Yeah, right before you go to medical school. Great time to start a relationship.”

“It’ll just have to be a summer thing,” you said with shrug, drizzling maple syrup over your waffles.

“Oh believe me, I will find you the perfect girl, who you will never want to leave.”

“Have fun with that, Buck,” you say, waving your waffle covered fork in his face before putting it in your mouth.

“Oh I definitely will. Hey, you never know y/n.”

You roll your eyes with a small laugh at your best friend. You have no idea how you dealt with all the crap he’s given you over the years, but it compensates for- “don’t you have a 10am lecture today?”

“Shit, I almost forgot.”

Sometimes Bucky Barnes turns out to be somewhat helpful.

You grab your backpack, fumble around in your wallet for a $10 bill, and shovel a few last bites of breakfast into your mouth. “Bye, Buck, I’ll see you at 7 for the party,” you spoke so quickly you worried if he didn’t understand you.

“You’re going with me to that?”

“Yeah, why not? I’ve had a long week with school work, I think I should get a night off after 5 days of hard work.”

“Okay, I’ll be at your dorm at 7 on Friday.”

“Sounds good. Oh fuck I’m really late, see you then, Buck.”

“Bye, y/n!”

The clock on your phone read 9:56, and your lecture hall was at least 10 minutes away. Sprinting is the only option at this point. Apologizing to the people waiting by the restaurant door as you run by, running across the crosswalk, you make it onto campus. The lecture hall is still far off, but finally in sight. You can feel the eyes staring you down as you hurry your way to class, but honestly you couldn’t care less at the moment.

You finally get to the building, and finally, finally into the room. Trying to get into the room as quickly and quietly as possible is in fact not possible, and it’s either a one-or-the-other situation, or neither at all. Sadly, in this case, it’s neither.

Most of the hall turns to look at you barging through the doors, nearly falling as the door cracks open. Class hasn’t appeared to have started yet, which you mentally thanked god for, and scanned the room for a seat. Finding one near you isn’t an issue, but getting there is.

“Sorry, sorry, excuse me, sorry, pardon me,” you whisper, trying to get through the row of people to the empty seat which was unfortunately in just about the middle of the row, so bothering the poor students was really the only way to get there.

Plopping down in the seat with a thud gave you a sense of peace, after the stressful past 10 minutes. You started to get out your laptop and notebook when you overheard the pair in front of you speaking in hushed British accents, “where is she?” The man said, slightly concerned.

“She’ll be here soon, it’s not like her to miss class,” the woman replied.

And as fast as you can say “perfect timing,” a fairly tall girl came in with her dark hair up in a messy bun. Looking up at see the person causing the noise coming in, in the row in front of you, you saw quite possibly the most gorgeous girl you have ever seen. In an over-sized Harvard sweatshirt and athletic shorts, she was absolutely adorable. You gave her a small smile, which she graciously returned,

“Thanks for saving me a seat guys, I totally overslept.”

“No problem, Daisy. You’re right on time,” the British girl responds.

Daisy. A beautiful name for such a gorgeous girl.

“Good morning, students!”

“Good morning, Professor Hill,” the whole class echoes.

***

As you put the last finishing touches on your makeup you hear a strong knock at the door of your dorm. You had on a tight navy blue cocktail dress with a pair of nude heels, and you have to admit that you look great.

“Come on in, Bucky!”

“Have you ever noticed how loud your neighbors are? And wow, you look hot! I mean, you look really good”  His eyes were practically popping out of his skull.

“First of all, yes, I live next to them. And second, thank you, kind sir,” you say with a courtesy.

“Why it is my pleasure, my lady,” Bucky said with a bow. “Are you ready to go?”

“Yeah, I’m all set,” you tell him, grabbing your purse of your bed.

“Great, we can take my motorcycle over to the party.”

“But my hair might get messed up.”

“Oh quit your complaining, do you want to walk?”

***

“Who’s ready to paaaartaaaay?”

“Well he’s obviously drunk,” Bucky said pointing to the frat boy behind the DJ table chugging a bottle of beer and stumbling around. The man had to easily be six feet tall, with short, spiky blond hair covered by a backwards baseball cap, and a short beard.

Laughing at Bucky’s comment, you can clearly see the man having a good night.

You look around for anyone from your classes, not wanting to stay with Bucky the entire night. Not that you didn’t love spending time with him, you just knew he would want to hook up with some girl and you really did not want to be around for that.

Seeing the two Brits from your 10am was fairly surprising, you didn’t think of them as part of the usual party crowd. But, you usually weren’t either. Hey, good grades don’t get themselves.

Next to the two you recognize, there’s one person you don’t. You could see the backside of a woman, who was clearly taller than the other. She had long black hair, and had a maroon dress on with black heeled boots. Holy shit. It’s the cute girl from the lecture who came in late. And you notice that she cleans up very well. So maybe this is a good ‘holy shit’ moment?

Torn between introducing yourself and staying with Bucky, he decides to make that decision for you. “Go talk to her,” he instructs.

“How did you-”

“I told you, y/n, I know you. And you clearly seem interested in talking to that girl over there, so you should.”

“Well you’re not wrong,” you say with a smile on your face.

“Am I ever? And you are completely smitten. You should fuck her tonight.”

“Bucky! You’re so gross sometimes. I’m just gonna get a drink and go talk to her,” you explain.

“But you love me. Go get ‘em,” Bucky says, patting you on the back.

With a red solo cup in hand, you make your way up to Daisy.

“Hi, I’m y/n.”

It’s shocking you’re able to get a sentence out with all the nerves stored up inside you.

“Hi, y/n. I’m Daisy.”

Oh my fuck her voice is like heaven.

“I know. I mean- I,” you sigh, taking a moment to get your story straight so you don’t end up sounding like an absolute creep, “I overheard your friends say your name in class today, I promise I’m not stalking you or anything I-”

“Hey, calm down a little bit, okay? It’s alright. You seem really sweet. Do wanna go somewhere a little quieter?”

‘Daisy is quite possibly the sweetest person in the world’, is the only thing running through your head.

“Yeah, yeah that sounds great.”

Soon enough you’re both sitting on the curb outside the frat house underneath the oddly slightly romantic street lights. Even in the dirty yellow glow she’s extremely kissable.

“What do you want to do after college?” Daisy asked, actually seeming to have an interest in what you plan on doing with your life.

“I want to become a doctor I like helping people, I like science, it just seems like it’s a good fit for me,” you reply. It’s true, you had thought for quite some time now on pursuing a career in medicine.

“That’s so cool,” she smiles. “I’m not really sure about what I want to do. I like computer science, but being a police officer or something like that seems exciting too, you know? I just think that’d be really cool. And like you said, I want to help people be safe.”

“I can see you as a cop,” you reply.

“Thank you,” she giggles.

“Your laugh is really cute. And you’re really pretty,” comes out of your mouth in a whisper, before you can even comprehend what you’re saying.

“I think you’re really pretty too,” Daisy says bumping her shoulder into yours.

As soon as you lost physical contact, you longed for it. Daisy continued to look straight at you, as if she was memorizing your face. Your eyes darted from hers to her lips, negotiating in your head about whether or not to make a move.

Oh, screw it.

You cup her face and gently kiss her. She pulls you in closer, deepening the kiss. You could smell the alcohol, but you don’t care. All that matters right now is that the sweet, amazing, kind, caring Daisy Johnson is with you right here, right now. And you could not have pictured a more perfect night.

[yoonminfiction]

The Top 20 YoonMin Stories with the most Kudos

I got an ask from an anon.  Asking for the most kudoed YoonMin stories, so here a list.

There’s not an official list, but here are the top twenty most kudos YoonMin fics on AO3

1. The Songbird and the Sea by MissterMaia

In a world where dominance of the sea is an endless battle between pirates and mariners, Park Jimin is content living in his little village on a small, uninteresting island by the eastern mainland. He wants nothing to do with the bloodshed of good and evil, the heartless killing of both innocents and condemned, the constant establishment and disruption of order. What he wants is peace, to live his life in the same town he was born in, to spend his days in the beautiful forest, and to use the powers of his Blessed Rune to nurture the home he loves so dearly.

But when his island is attacked by pirates, Jimin will have no other choice than to do as they command and leave all thoughts of peace behind in favor of boarding the Agust, a pirate ship captained by the infamous Min Yoongi, Black Fox of the East. (Rated: M,This fic deservs to be at the top.  It is so good.)

2.  trying to behave (but you know that we never learned how) by christmasyoongi

It’s been years since Yoongi’s last seen him and the younger boy is a shell of his former self in a way that makes his heart twist in his chest. And yet, after all this time and countless days of convincing himself to let him go, he’s still unconditionally, head over heels in love with Park Jimin.

(Jimin and Yoongi grow up together.) (Rated:M, Still haven’t read this one.)

3.  when you’re in love all the lines get blurred by jflawless

Jimin isn’t sure what possessed him to lie to his mother and tell her that he had a boyfriend, but now that he’s opened the position, he has no choice but to fill it. Yoongi is, apparently, his only option.  *A Classic.)

4. A tale of selcas by Sharleena

sunshinemin: YALL sunshinemin: I’VE BEEN EXPOSED sunshinemin: I’VE BEEN FUCKING EXPOSED sunshinemin: PLS THROW ME IN THE PITTS OF HELL

TaeTaeflower: tell me u did not like an old pic of Yoongi-hyung

sunshinemin: …

In which Jimin is head over heels for underground rapper Min Yoongi, Instagram is the enemy and Jungkook thinks he’s straight. *Funny, funny, funny)

5.  Conflicting Arrangement by PrettyBoyKiller

“Absolutely not,” Yoongi deadpanned. “Namjoon-ah. I value you as a friend, and I think I’d even go as far as to say that you’re my best friend, but absolutely fucking not.”

“You owe me,” Namjoon pleaded. “Come on, Yoongi, it’s not a big deal.”

“Your boyfriend’s best friend’s best friend needs a fake boyfriend to come out to his family this Chuseok, all the way in fucking Busan.” Yoongi repeated drily without pause, making Namjoon wince. He flipped a page of his textbook, picking up his highlighter. “Not a big deal, Namjoon. Amazing.” (So Good)

6.  The 100-Day Love Challenge by jeosheo

For a variety show challenge, Jimin must tell Yoongi every day for 100 days that he loves him.

Let’s get this shit started. (So cute)

7.  Nyctophile by yururin

“Like I said, monsters aren’t real, Taehyung.”

Jimin quickly pulled the closet doors open.

At the bottom of the closet, sitting on the floor and leaning heavily against the walls, was a man with dark pink hair clad in dark clothes, bleeding and injured and looking positively close to death.

Jimin didn’t know what to do. (Rated: M, Monster and Romance)

8.  Side Dishes by Elemir

Yoongi is Korea’s most famous actor. He’s kissed so many pretty girls that he doesn’t know what love is supposed to feel like anymore.

And then he meets rookie actor Park Jimin. (Rated:M, Classic)

9.  Neko Atsume by snailieshell

Jimin accidentally on purpose collects a cat hybrid named Suga. (Rated:M, reading this right now.)

10.The Adventures of BTS (Barely Trained Superheroes) by blurrylines

Super Heroes Academy AU. Seven different boys each possess a unique Power, to be trained and controlled within the classrooms of the Academy. In a surprising turn of events, the unlikely group of boys must work together to overcome the greatest threat to their Academy and all they believe in. (Rated: M, I enjoyed reading this.)

11. Love at First Sigh by Elemir

Yoongi and Jimin fall in love with sounds.

AU where Yoongi and Jimin have apartments next to each other, and their showers share a wall. (Rated: M, Classic)

12. Black Cat by suddenly_yoongi

“Jimin, they’re your soulmate. They’ll love you regardless. They’re not going to care about your Min Yoongi obsession. I promise.”

(AU in which the last of you turns eighteen and you switch bodies with your soulmate until you find them again) (Rated: M, Soulmate AU)

13. Crazy Is Most Definitely Genetic by CaliCocoa

family!au where Jimin’s just trying to survive high school, Taehyung keeps weirding everyone out, Namjoon is an embarrassing dad, Jin is supermom, and Jungkookie’s just along for the ride.

(now translated into spanish) (Cute and Funny)

14. Out of My System by xxdevilishxx

Yoongi likes one night stands and he understands how they work. What he doesn’t understand, however, is how he ended up in bed with a probably-not-legal kid crying in his arms about his broken heart, because he’s pretty sure (and correct him if he’s wrong) that a babysitting job was not what he was looking for when he went to the opening of his friend’s new club.  (Rated: M, LOVE, CLASSIC)

15. A pack’s price by EmpatheticShipper

Kim Seokjin is an omega that was casted out of his pack after bringing home the scent of alpha’s belonging to another pack. Wounded and alone, he meets two omegas who eagerly take him back to their den. He quickly realizes the rest of the pack members are all alphas and they take him in generously. But his old pack will not forget his betrayal so easily. With him being a target of both his old pack and a rival pack seeking new omegas, will Namjoon and the rest of the alphas be able to protect them?  (Rated:m, ABO Au)

16. where the heart is by 10cm

She hadn’t been ready to be a mother and Yoongi hadn’t been ready to be a father, but where she had turned tail and run, Yoongi had vowed never to do the same.  *Rated: M, Classic, LOVE, Single Parent AU)

17. tear the moon from the stars tonight by euphoriae

"Remember what I told you. You are mine now and I take care of my things.”

Joseon Era AU: Jimin, a low born, catches the attention of nobleboy Min Yoongi. (Rated: M)

18. The Pink Envelope by zoeeemin

to a prompt I received on tumblr “Oh shit, sorry I got the wrong locker” When Jimin is sending love letters to his crush via locker but fails because it is Yoongi’s locker.

au where 6 of them are highschool students (Jin has already graduated)… and Jungkook is also in highschool with the rest of them (please don’t ask me why I just want him to be there hahahaha) (Classic, FAVE)

19. in your eyes (it’s where i wanna be) by bonnia

Jimin pauses with his marker inches away from the cup, because — is he really going to do this? Isn’t it a bit old-fashioned to write something flirty on a coffee cup? But no matter what his churning gut says about danger and what the hell are you doing do you want to die, this guy is — with no better way to put it — totally Jimin’s Type with a capital T.

(Or: Jimin accidentally starts a nickname war with the cute blonde who likes his coffee way too bitter.) (Cute coffee shop au)

20. Look My Way by sunkissedyoongi

It all started when Yoongi read his own name and the word ‘cute’ written in the same sentence on the wall of the boys’ bathroom.

But he kind of liked the way his name looked in the stranger’s handwriting. (So CUTE!)

So here are the top 20 YoonMin fics with the most kudos.  Enjoy reading.

[stargazerdaisy]

11 Questions x 3

I was tagged by @kyliafanfiction, @trinitea-fics, and @skyeward-otp forever ago, but there’s no way I can come up with 33 questions.  So I’ll answer the 33 and come up with a new 11.  Theoretically.  We’ll see.

From Kylia:

1.) Favorite Trope To Subvert?

One of my favorites that I (think I) pulled off was in Please Don’t Make Me! , where Skye is all whispering in Ward’s ear about them sneaking off and finding a way to ~entertain~ themselves, and it certainly seems like sexy times are about to happen.  And then...it’s Mario Kart.  I love twisting people’s expectations for the sake of comedy and fun.

2.) Favorite Trope to ‘Play Straight’, as it were?

Bedsharing.  I am weeeeeeak for bedsharing.  GImme gimme gimme.  I want those  punks to wake up spooning and entwined and then the awkward to set in, but actually push them to deal with their feelings.  Yes please I need it now.  

3.) What is that one character that, no matter how much you might like to be open minded about other fans having their own opinions and whatnot, when you see people defending them, you just cannot stop rolling your eyes and being at the very least somewhat angry, if not raging?

Melinda May and Phil Coulson....

4.) Favorite Thing To Put Ketchup On?

The garbage can.

Haha, just kidding.  I’m not a huge ketchup fan.  I prefer bbq sauce or ranch for most things you’d use with ketchup.  But ketchup on a burger or hot dog works well (if bbq sauce isn’t an option).  

5.) Cake or Death?

Cake.  

6.) Is there a Spoon?

47 of them to be precise.

7.) What is the Average Airborne Velocity Of An Unladen Swallow?

African or European?

8.) Did you get the references in questions 5, 6, and 7 without having to look them up?

5 sounds familiar, but no.  6, not even in the slightest.  7, my answer should explain that one.

9.) Silliest name you’ve ever heard for a person/thing/group?

Oh, oh, oh, I know I have some doozies of nicknames, but I’m drawing a complete blank right now.

10.) What is a book series that is nominally completed that you’d like to see more installments of?

I’m a big fan of the Jack Ryan books by Tom Clancy, but well, Clancy died a few years ago, and none of the co-writers can match his original style and quality (honestly, neither can his own later books).  So while that verse could easily accommodate more stories, and I could love them, it’s not going to happen with the quality I want, so I wouldn’t want people to try and subsequently fail.

11.) Song you both hate but sometimes can’t stop listening too?

There was an *Nsync song back in the day that I hated.  But I listened to it enough times that I ended up learning all the lyrics and singing along with.  That’s happened with a few others too.  There are some One Direction songs that I like and it pisses me off that I like them.  

From Trini:

1. A song you are listening to on loop right now

Actually no, I’m not this week.  Which honestly is kinda rare.  Then again, I’ve been listening to a couple of playlists with The War on it and that song always gets to me, so it’s back in my mind again.

2. What is a popular show/book/movie/podcast could you not get into/have no interest in?

I’ve never gotten into Supernatural.  Just never had that much interest, despite having a big fondness for Jensen Ackles.  

3. What is the last movie you watched?

Thor: Ragnarok

4. Opinion of Valentine’s Day?

It’s nice to have a day where you make an extra effort to show your love for others.  It’s just as lovely to do so with family and friends as it is with a romantic partner.  And I definitely prefer, low-key, thoughtful gifts/activities.

5. A show, book or movie that you consider “Your childhood”

Inspector Gadget was one of my absolutely faves when I was a kid.  Also, totally loved Ghostwriter and wanted to start my own crime-solving group.  Alas, we did not have a ghost to aid us.  Magic School Bus was also watched a lot and I can still remember the ending bit with all the kids making phone calls.

6. Favourite Youtuber/what you do watch on Youtube?

I mostly listen to music on YouTube.  I don’t follow any particular person.  I’ve been enjoying mashup videos lately.  Imagine Dragons are great for mashups.  (There.  Happy Megan?)

7. What do you need to buy?

A new battery for my laptop.  It would be nice to use it when it wasn’t plugged in.  After all, that’s a big part of the whole laptop thing.

8. What merch are you close to impulse buying?

At this moment, nothing really.  But I had strongly considered buying Chloe Bennet’s Fight Like A Girl shirt.  If I had had the money at the time, I probably would have.

9. What’s the weather outside?

Right at this moment, overcast, grey, cool (low 40s), but happily, not raining.  Typical late March weather in this area.

10. A thing that you recently accomplished that you are proud of?

@mframe and I spent a good chunk of a day (or was it a couple days?) and built a form within the test environment of our database.  Built it from the ground up, adding groups, creating custom fields, making them calculated fields, setting up a bunch of codes in order to make them calculate correctly, etc.  And it works really well.  I really like it.  Now if only the assholes that I work with would shut the f*** up and get on board, we could actually use it.

11. Movie/book/Tv show/podcast coming out soon that you’re excited for

I NEED TO BUY MY TICKETS FOR INFINITY WAR.  Also, The Incredibles 2.

From Gilly:

1. If you won $1,000,000 dollars, what’s the first thing you’d do?

Pay off debt.  

2. A movie/tv show that you always go back to whenever you’re bored or don’t know what to watch?

Friends, Community, Brooklyn Nine Nine are all great standbys for when I can’t decide on what I’m in the mood for.

3. Most meaningful book you’ve ever read.

That’s an excellent question.  To Kill A Mockingbird is one of those books that’s always stuck with me.  I need to re-read it again, in fact.

4. Have you ever gotten anyone to get hooked on a tv show? How did they feel about it?

HAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAH.  Yes.  I mean, nothing on the scale of Megan getting me hooked on AoS.  But I’ve convinced a couple friends to try Doctor Who, I got @evieoh to watch Community, and then she and I ganged up on @airaze-blog and made him watch all of Alias.  There was a lot of screaming.  We won’t talk about Orphan Black.

5. Has anyone ever gotten you hooked on a tv show? How did you feel about it?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Yes.

As referenced above, Megan was the one that really pushed me to try AoS again.  (I’d watched the first 3 or 4 episodes when it first aired, but lost interest and was always having to watch it later b/c of committments those nights.) There was another friend of ours at work, who pushed along with her, and my bff watched it as well and encouraged me.  I was kind of hesitant, didn’t care a whole lot, but I was getting into the MCU as a whole, so I decided to give it a shot again.

Amazingly enough, while I knew Hydra comes out of the shadows and about Jiaying’s evil turn, Double Agent Ward wasn’t spoiled for me.  I was SHOCKED at that.  And I’m so glad, because it was SUCH A GOOD TWIST.  

But yeah.....that may have just slightly, dramatically changed the trajectory of my life.  I wouldn’t have had an Aussie live on my couch for the last 6 months and that would have truly been tragic.

6. Where’s your dream vacation?

Croatia.  I’ve been dying to go there for years and it gets more intense every day.

7. Favorite social media app/site.

Tumblr.  I get the most interaction and the widest range here.  

8. Dream job.

Stay at home mom would be my preferred occupation.  For a profession, lactation consultant is my dream.  We’ll see if I ever get there.

9. Favorite genre to read/write.

Uhhh.....in terms of fanfic genres/tropes, I love enemies to friends to lovers (on any scale).  

10. Favorite genre to watch.

I love spy shows.  Gimmes spies anyday.  

11. Favorite quote at the moment.

CHICKENS!  (just for you, Evie)

My questions - sorry dudes, only doing 11.

What is your favorite season?

What are your feeling on A.I. (the concept, not the movie)?

What is the oldest piece of technology in your home?  Do you use it?  Do you know how?

Hummus.  Thoughts?

Tell me about a favorite birthday or holiday present.

What pair of shoes do you wear the most?  Are they your favorite or just the most functional or something else?

What’s your dream fanfic?

How easy is it for you to unplug?

What is a hobby/activity/something that you have an absurd amount of supplies/tools for?

What is your guilty pleasure snack food?

Are you more a dialogue or song lyrics referencer?

I tag: @evieoh, @mframe, @agenthaywood, @airaze-blog, @helloimthedoctor, @agentsofsunnydale, @queermageddon, @livesindaydreams, @orlissa, @vesperass-anuna, and @in-the-moving-castle

[awayfromthedesk]

Unsollicited Advice for the Class of 2020 in your teens, 20s and 30s.

By Athena Fosler-Brazil, Christine Argueza-Prince and Marielle Argueza

As a first-generation college graduate and a veteran attendee of several graduation and promotion ceremonies (because all my siblings are smarty pants), I want to acknowledge that for the graduating class of 2020, this can be an intensely emotional time. You were promised to participate in a tradition and to celebrate your accomplishments in front of your peers, family, friends, mentors and teachers and a public health crisis took it away. 

There are tens of millions of students in the class of 2020 who will miss out on their graduation ceremonies in the United States. It’s a milestone that some have taken to recognizing online or celebrating out in the streets with neighborhood parades. Where it won’t be happening is out in the sun, in the hot fields and stadiums, or crowded gyms and auditoriums of their respective campuses because of health restrictions. 

But let’s not dwell on that. I speak from experience from when I say, graduating and moving from one phase of life to another, does not come from sitting in an hours-long ceremony filled with—let’s be honest—pretty bad speeches with hit-or-miss jokes and administrators with cringe-worthy mispronunciations of your name. I don’t even remember my keynote speaker’s name, just that her advice was to say “yes” to everything, which is just a setup for needless self-sacrifice IMHO. That speech was the most dreaded of things I really didn’t want to hear as a know-it-all 21-year-old: unsolicited advice. I was rolling my eyes the whole time.

So naturally, I and two graduates of 2020 are giving you unsolicited advice—hopefully better than my class of 2015 keynote speaker’s advice—to immerse you in the full-experience of graduation. Athena Fosler-Brazil is an outgoing senior of  Carmel High School and Christine Argueza-Prince, a recent graduate of University of North Carolina’s Gillings School of Global Public Health (and also my oldest sister). Instead of asking them to write a commencement speech, I asked them to cut to the chase. What nuggets of wisdom would they give to their younger selves, and ultimately to those moving from one phase of life to another.

Without further ado here is your list of unsolicited advice:  

In Your Teens By Athena Fosler-Brazil 

1. Don’t let your peers convince you that caring about things is uncool. 

2. Stop pretending to like the music your crush likes if it genuinely sucks. 3. It’s really worth it to ask questions in class.

4. It’s okay to shed the relationships that are no longer fulfilling in order to make room for new ones. 

5. No high school relationship is worth planning your future around. 

6. You may not be friends forever, but that doesn’t make the friendship less valuable. Not everything meaningful must also be permanent.

7. Find a teacher at school who will help you skip “mandatory” pep rallies. 

8. Good teachers will change your life if you lean into your education.

9. Crying in front of other people doesn’t make you weak. 

10. Remember that your life will never be as easy as it is right now. Enjoy being supported and be grateful for it. 

11. Approach your education as a privilege and not as a chore.

12. You’ll stop worrying about what other people think about you once you realize that people are very rarely thinking about you. I mean this in the best way possible. 

13. Learn how to advocate for yourself. Now. 

14. Sometimes risky decisions lead to good memories and great stories. Sometimes risky decisions lead to trauma. 

15. Learn how to omit excessive “likes” from your sentences before you become an actual adult. 

16. Don’t make everything into a Big Deal. 

17. It is rare that you can successfully teach a shitty friend how to not be a shitty friend. 

18. Remember that you are only at the beginning. 

In Your 20s

By Marielle Argueza

1. Contrary to the informational pamphlet, universities can’t bring you the real world. You have to seek it out and live in it. 

2. You may never become friends with your parents, but you can forgive them.

3. Friend breakups are as difficult as romantic breakups.

4. Take off your makeup before you sleep and wear sunscreen. Every. Single. Day.

5. You are not your job, your major or your relationship. 

6. Wash your sheets frequently. You’ll feel better. 

7. No Karen, you’re not “honoring” your one-sixteenth Cherokee “heritage” with that headdress that you want to wear to Coachella. 

8. Learn to listen by shutting up and learn to respond with a question. 

9. The universe is not conspiring against you, but your priorities might be. 

10. Caring about the environment doesn’t necessarily mean going vegan and buying new shoes made of recycled ocean plastic. A lot of the time it’s revamping your consumption. 

11. Find your shade of red lipstick. 

12. Sometimes you’re different, but other times you’re average. Embrace both. 

13. Failures are almost always constructive criticism. Verbal and psychological abuse is not.

14. Look at your bank statements every single week. 

15. You’re probably using the words “actually” and “literally” incorrectly. 

16. Know how to order and make a cocktail that you like. 

17. If you want to travel cheaply and well, think small. Stay in neighborhoods and make friends in those neighborhoods, instead of generalizing an entire country. London isn’t the entire UK. Parisians are different from the Lyonnais. Cabo isn’t the capital of Mexico, Chad.

18. Assume you are never the smartest person in the room and that’s OK. 

19. Sorries aren’t reserved for the douche bag talking over you. They’re for apologies. For example: “Sorry, I’ll try not to finish this thought while you’re talking over me...d-bag.” 

10. Learn to be proud of yourself. You’ll find more validation in yourself than in others. 

In Your 30s By Christine Argueza-Prince 

1. Thirties are really the new 20s. “You get a re-do! You get a re-do. Everyone gets a re-do!” -Oprah 

2. By now, people you know will have had babies, are married (or divorced), and have a bunch of letters like PhD, MBA, and M.D. after their names. Measure your success with your own stick.

3. If you’re not using a calendar and the Pomodoro Technique, you’re not as productive as you think you are. 

4. Wit and grit will get you pretty damn far.

5. There will never be “a good time to have a baby.” Define your own timeline. 

6. Two words: email etiquette 

7. The time to start thinking about your next promotion is the day you get promoted. Don’t get too comfy. 

8. Have the audacity to put yourself in charge (see no.9)

9. ...you can start by planning and hosting a party. Preferably not the kind that results in two DUIs and a paternity test.

10. Public speaking is a skill to master. Know how to present without PowerPoint slides. Gasp!

11. Find a good tailor and hem your clothes to fit you. Zara didn’t know that you’re 5’2 and curvy.

12. Find someone to mentor. Then you will know if you are truly ready to lead. 

13. If you had a crappy day, it is not okay to unload it at home. If you must, it is wise to ask if people have the mental space for it.

14. Learn how to fight with your significant other without slamming doors and breaking dishes.

15.  If you’re feeling unusually moody, numb, or uninterested in the things that typically make you happy—please ask for help. 

16. It’s easy to become a cynic. This perspective is not your only option. 

17. Ninety percent of your groceries should come from the perimeter of the grocery store. 

18. Instant food is (mostly) gross. Know how to make your childhood faves like mac and cheese and pizza from scratch. 

19. No, chicken breast doesn’t need to be washed before cooking. But you do need to season them, Shiela. Remember this: lemon pepper is poison. 

20. If coffee is life, you should have a moka pot, pour over, or french press in your cupboard. On that note, grind your own coffee beans. 

21. Treat yourself on your own dime. 

22. Treat your health and wellness first. I am talking about that really good moisturizer, a 90-minute massage and a bouquet of flowers just because. 

23. A 13 percent interest rate for a BMW is not a good decision. Your paycheck should pay YOU, not Sammy the sales employee of the month. 

24. You should be on your own Netflix, phone, and car insurance plan by now. 

25. Take care of your mouth. Nothing is worse than your future boss or beau walking away because you have terrible oral hygiene. Colgate is BOGO at Walgreens, so is lip balm. 

26. As it turns out, orange is not the new black. If you must get a tan, go to the beach. 

27. No Ashley, you did not live in Europe on your post-college trip. That was a vacation and Europe is one whole continent. Also, Disney is not the happiest place on Earth. 

28. Know the freedom of traveling or eating in a really fancy restaurant all by yourself. 

29. You can always see how a (wo)man will treat you in seven years with a baby when you invite them over for a home cooked meal. If they’re dancing you around in the kitchen—they’re a keeper!

30. If you are not living that fragrance-free, pasture-raised, organic life, you’re not about that life. No, really. Read labels and know what can prolong your sweet life and what can kill you. 

From everyone at Away from the Desk, congratulations class of 2020. 

[junker-town]

Super Bowl LIV: The official hard seltzer rankings

Photo credit should read TIMOTHY A. CLARY/AFP via Getty Images

Make sure you’re getting only the best for your Super Bowl parties.

The San Francisco 49ers face off against the Kansas City Chiefs in Super Bowl LIV come Sunday. As you’re planning your Super Bowl party, you may be weighing all of your drink options. That’s where I come in. I’m here to help you outfit your celebration with the best hard seltzer.

Hard seltzers really burst onto the scene in 2019 as beverages like White Claw and Truly started popping up. They’re light, boozy, gluten free, and have less sugar (read: hangovers) than some of their alcoholic counterparts. With the recent releases of the Bud Light and Natty Light seltzers, I thought it was time to figure out which seltzer is the best. I conducted a taste test of eight different brands: Smirnoff, Bold Rock, Omission, Truly, Bud Light, Natural Light, Bon & Viv, and White Claw.

I’m not here for your trash “hard seltzer is bad” takes. You’re wrong.

The seltzers were rated on several factors:

Flavor (1-10 scale): Pretty simple. How does it taste?

Drinkability (1-10 scale): Is this a good drink for an event or tailgate? Can you have more than one?

Miscellaneous (1-5 scale): Does it have a cool can? Are the ads awesome?

In case anyone wants to question the validity and procedure of this very professional endeavor, I took several steps to ensure no seltzer got an advantage. All of them were purchased at the same time (my goodness, that was an embarrassing trip to Harris Teeter), they were all refrigerated in-store, and they were all put in my refrigerator until it was their turn to be tasted. I entered the eight different brands into a random generator to obtain the testing order.

Smirnoff

Bud Light

Bon & Viv

Natty Light

Omission

White Claw

Truly

Bold Rock

Each one got two normal gulps to assess the beverage, and two lightly salted bagel chips were eaten between brands to cleanse the palate (it’s all I had at home).

Let’s get to it!

8. Omission

Flavor: Pomegranate Blueberry Acai

Alc./VOL: 4 percent

Thoughts: Oh no. I don’t like this at all. The irony of this beverage being named Omission and me wishing I hadn’t picked up the six pack at the store isn’t lost on me in any form or fashion. Omission matches Smirnoff and Bon & Viv with 90 calories a serving, but has the lowest booze level at 4 percent. That means you’re not even getting drunk as you suffer through it.

Taste: 2

Drinkability: 1

Other: 1

Total Score: 4/25

7. Smirnoff Spiked Sparkling Seltzer

Flavor: Raspberry Rosé

Alc./VOL: 4.5 percent

Thoughts: You don’t get much of the raspberry with this one. It doesn’t have a lingering aftertaste, which is good, but you feel a little like you’re drinking a wine cooler that got a little too carbonated. It has a pink tinge to it, which is different from most of the others.

Taste: 5

Drinkability: 4

Miscellaneous: 2

Total Score: 11/25

6. Bold Rock Hard Seltzer

Flavor: Grapefruit

Alc./VOL: 4 percent

Thoughts: I love Bold Rock ciders, but this tasted a lot like a cider that was having an identity crisis. The grapefruit is ... fine. If someone brought this over for a dinner party, I’d gladly partake, but they’d probably hang out in the fridge for a while until someone else came over that wanted one.

Taste: 5

Drinkability: 4

Other: 3

Total Score: 12/25

5. Bon & Viv Spiked Seltzer

Flavor: Black Cherry & Rosemary

Alc./VOL: 4.5 percent

Thoughts: Bon & Viv is one of the first seltzers I had, and it’s ... fine! The black cherry & rosemary flavor is good, but it lingers a little longer than the others. I don’t really think the rosemary part is super necessary, but damn if that can isn’t the coolest of the bunch. That gets them the maximum miscellaneous score of five.

Taste: 7

Drinkability: 6

Other: 5

Total Score: 18/25

4. Truly

Flavor: Black Cherry

Alc./VOL: 5 percent

Thoughts: I like Truly! It’s good! It’s just not my FAVE. They have the most variety (13 flavors!) and they got Keegan-Michael Key to be in their ads:

@TrulySeltzer just got even better, like Derek. Now crisper and more refreshing, with only 100 calories. #TrulyHardSeltzer

— Truly (@trulyseltzer) December 19, 2019

Taste: 8

Drinkability: 8

Other: 4

Total Score: 20/25

T-2. Natural Light Seltzer

Flavor: Catalina Lime Mixer

Alc./VOL: 6 percent (!)

Thoughts: I might ruffle some feathers, but I hated the movie Step Brothers. I laughed twice: when John C. Reilly said “hello miss lady” and when one of them wore the Chewbacca mask to do taxes (I don’t care enough to look up which of the two horrible characters it was) (Editor’s note: It was Dale).

THAT SAID.

I really appreciate the work Natty — sorry, Natural — Light is doing here. Catalina Lime Mixer is a play on Catalina Wine Mixer, something that I could have brushed off as coincidence if the cans didn’t also say, “When cherry and lime become best friends.”

For that, and the fact they have the normal size 12 oz. cans that can easily fit my coozie collection, they get a full miscellaneous score.

It’s a fresh taste ... the lime is a nice touch. Much like Bud Light, Natural Light knows how to make a beverage that can be drank all day. It’s the booziest of the bunch at 6 percent — so heads up there, folks.

Taste: 8

Drinkability: 9

Other: 5

Total Score: 22/25

T-2. Bud Light Seltzer

Flavor: Black Cherry

Alc./VOL: 5 percent

Thoughts: Oh shit, this is delicious! You get the cherry right away and it’s a crisp flavor. It’s light enough (and no aftertaste) that it’s perfect for a tailgate or day on the lake.

I got a Lyft the night before conducting this taste test and discussed it with the driver (who was wonderfully nice). We both expressed our cynicism at Bud Light creating a seltzer, and he said, “I just think if you end up liking a Bud Light seltzer, you probably have no personality.”

BRB — examining all my life choices.

Two Super Bowl Ads. Only one can win. It's #PostyStore vs. #PostyBar. Watch #PostyStore and RT your favorite to help us decide. @PostMalone pic.twitter.com/1ihbKMz0T0

— Bud Light Seltzer (@budlight) January 29, 2020

Taste: 8

Drinkability: 10

Miscellaneous: 4

Total Score: 22/25

1. White Claw

Flavor: Black Cherry

Thoughts: Ahhh, the OG. White Claw is the seltzer that put seltzers on the map. Find me some Instagram ad where there’s a random brand trying to sell you sweatshirts with Baby Yoda holding a Truly? You can’t.

White Claw is one of the brands that have made it into football stadiums around the country — I know for a fact they serve the Black Cherry tall boys at Hard Rock Stadium, I had one* at the Orange Bowl in December — meaning they’ve truly made it as a sports icon.

*More than one.

Taste: 10

Drinkability: 9

Other: 4

Total Score: 23/25