#sorry if this is at all disrespectful to dan and phil for some reason my brain made this connection and it helped clarify

[certifiedfae]

rhaenyra’s girlkissing is like when dan and phil both came out separately. like rhaenicent is half confirmed and the girlkissing recontextualizes the whole relationship as shown in the show. im losing my mind u guys

[blissedoutphil]

Dan the Personal Assistant Part 13

Dan has to submit an application video to be an assistant for a company President, Mr. Lester. But what happens when he accidentally sends a wrong video?

This is it, folks. The final chapter, finally. Enjoy!

3924 words of Dom!Phil, sub!dan, fluff, smut

~Part 12~

~epilogue~

or read on ao3!

Phil placed his chin on Dan’s shoulder, not letting go of his boy. He was sure Dan could feel his heart beat wildly against his chest.

He just needed to feel Dan close to him at the moment. Dan was rubbing his back in slow, calming motions. A contrast to his suffocating embrace, he realised, and loosened his grip. But just a fraction; he was still afraid of letting go.

He was glad that Dan allowed him the time he needed to let go on his own. It’s like his boy always knows everything he needed. He appreciated how Dan never let go either, instead slowly swaying them. He wondered how Dan was able to stay so grounded and be a solid rock in this moment, while he just felt a fragile mess.

The only way Dan could be as calm as he was was because the way Phil hugged him told him that perhaps he had nothing much to worry about, after all. Still, he wasn’t sure how they’d move on from here, and that worried him.

They both calmed down soon enough, and Phil finally slowly let go of the embrace.

“I made tea,” Dan tried saying again.

“Thank you,” Phil smiled, once again wondering how Dan knew just what he needed.

“But it went cold,” Dan continued apologetically.

Phil laughed, “It’s alright.”

He sat on the edge of the bed and took a sip of the cold tea anyway. Dan sat down next to him, but far enough that he’d have to extend his arm to reach him. It was upsetting to Phil that Dan still seemed rather wary despite their long embrace. 

“I’m sorry,” Phil sighed, already missing Dan’s warmth.

Dan raised an eyebrow, genuinely confused. “For what?”

“For dragging you into this mess,” Phil shook his head, looking at the carpet.

“It’s not like you forced me into it,” Dan reasoned.

“I shouldn’t-” Phil felt bewildered about how his vision was getting blurry, “I shouldn’t have even gone through with the interview.”

He just felt guilty now for disrespecting the privacy of someone he didn’t even know back then.

Dan shrugged, “What’s past is done. And. If you hadn’t followed through, I wouldn’t be here.”

Phil gave a small smile, feeling a little lighter now knowing that Dan doesn’t hold any resentment about it. He wished Dan would scoot a little closer to him.

“Not only that. I should’ve just admitted to you the moment I realised I- but instead I went such a roundabout way...trying to distance us while still making use of you,” Phil started getting angry at himself again for being such a coward about it the whole time.

A smirk tugged at Dan’s lips, “Yeah I didn’t enjoy the corner time.”

Dan seemed to be taking things well, while Phil’s feelings were in a turmoil. He pushed the unwanted feeling of shame deep down, and placed his cold cup of tea on the bedside table.

“What was I thinking?” he muttered, “it’s a wonder how you still stayed.”

Dan tilted his head. How much did Frank even tell him by the pool? It’s not much of a wonder if Frank had mentioned how he broke down.

“Is it really?” he spoke softly.

Phil looked at him, pondering what Dan just said. Pondering Frank echoing in his mind saying, “you mean everything to him, Phil. D’you know that? Everything.”

Dan scooted a little closer to him.

“I can’t pinpoint exactly when things changed, but I feel like,” Phil paused and scooted closer too, “like I don’t know a time when I couldn’t stop thinking about you anymore.”

Dan swallowed, afraid to speak and cause Phil to stop his train of thought. He felt like he didn’t know a time when his whole life didn’t revolve around Phil, either.

“I.. I don’t know if I can do this anymore,” Phil said weakly, looking down at their hands resting beside each other, itching to hold Dan’s.

Dan’s hand withdrew. His breath caught, and he thought he could hear his heart shatter. What was Phil saying?! He thought the talk with Frank had gone well.

“What?” he managed in a whisper.

Did he gauge everything wrong and maybe Frank did tell Phil to get rid of him? Suddenly that hug had a bigger sense of finality that Dan hadn’t considered earlier.

“I-I,” Phil stumbled, “I don’t want to keep treating you how I have been.”

That didn’t help clear anything up for Dan. He’d enjoyed his job, so much so that it didn’t even feel like a job. It didn’t feel any bit degrading compared to his past hook ups, even if some of their play was meant to be. The only time he didn’t like Phil’s treatment was when Phil deliberately ignored him.

He didn’t know how to say any of that, so he settled with, “I don’t understand, you wanna end things?”

“No,” Phil’s voice cracked a bit, his eyes going wide at that prospect.

“I mean I only want to stop this whole- making you some office pet just there for sex. I like our Sunday catch ups just as much, if not more. I like knowing you for you, and not just for how well you can take the work frustrations I let out on you. I don’t think I can continue this personal escort thing because I want you. To be with you, and not just have you by my desk in the office.”

Oh, Dan thought.

“Oh,” he said just as much, reeling his thoughts before he continued speaking.

“So what you’re saying is... I’m being fired right now,” Dan was unable to stop the grin slowly forming on his face as he remembered how he thought he was going to be fired months ago.

Phil was confused by Dan’s reaction, but his smile was contagious and he felt a tentative one forming on his own face.

“I didn’t think it that way but I guess you can say that.”

“Why not have both?” Dan asked, he certainly found no problem being an office pet in the day and a boyfriend at night.

Phil’s brows creased, “you want that?”

“We barely tried a quarter of the kinks in that contract I signed, and I wouldn’t have signed it if I didn’t wanna do any of it,” Dan leaned forward a little, challenging.

Phil chuckled, but then he took a moment to seriously consider it.

He shook his head, “I don’t want an ‘assistant’ anymore.”

The certainty in his tone stopped Dan from pushing further about it. He understood, Phil had tried to have both with Zack and that didn’t go well. If Phil doesn’t want it again, he’d respect it.

But now he started to worry, unable to help it. He’d be jobless again, and even though he does have a bit more money in his bank now, he doesn’t know where to go without having a proper qualification. He’d almost be back where he was before this job, just that now he’d have a partner he’d have to depend on.

Speaking of partner, they weren’t exactly done with that topic and Dan already got a new one to be anxious over.

Phil could see the worry in Dan’s eyes. He placed his hand over Dan’s on Dan’s lap.

“Are you okay with that?” he asked softly, unsure why Dan was so keen on still serving him.

“I don’t know where I can go,” Dan whispered like he was afraid of the world to hear.

Phil squeezed Dan’s hand.

“Don’t worry about that, we can figure it out together. I’ll help you.”

Phil scooted the rest of the way, until their thighs were touching. He took a breath, somehow still nervous to let his next words out.

“I love you, Dan. And I want to be with you - no more pretending, no more hiding behind a ‘professional relationship’ facade.”

The lump in Dan’s throat was hard to swallow. Phil was so close to him now, he could clearly look into Phil’s usually striking eyes that were now softened to a grey-blue in their faintly lit room.

He cursed himself internally for the way he started to shake. He couldn’t believe he just heard the words he’d spent months trying to convince himself would never be spoken. He hoped Phil couldn’t feel his hand trembling.

“I love you too,” Dan whispered, smiling in disbelief. In relief as well, at how he could finally say it aloud.

Tears slipped along the smile crease of Dan’s eyes, and at that moment Phil couldn’t decide whether he loved Dan’s eye crinkles or his dimples more. But he knew that he was mirroring Dan’s expression, and he had a new desire to make Dan look this happy always.

Still squeezing Dan’s trembling hand, Phil leaned in for a kiss.

Dan’s heart flipped. Sure, they’ve kissed before, but it felt different now. It wasn’t terrifying like the first time he took the risk, nor did it bring doubt on whether Phil meant anything more by the action every time it used to happen. Now it felt freeing.

Especially when he gathered himself enough to kiss Phil back, to bite Phil’s lower lip and nudge him to open up.

Phil let go of his hand to cup Dan’s cheek, having renewed energy now that he was able to put all of his emotions into the kiss. He used to feel like he had to hold back, to make sure he didn’t slip up and take things too far. He used to be content with all the pretence. He felt free now.

When they eventually let go, Dan’s hands had found their way to Phil’s hair, while Phil’s gripped on his jaw. Dan blushed as he moved his leg off from over Phil’s knee. When did that happen?

“Love you,” Phil repeated, finding it so much easier to say now. He felt like a weight lifted off his shoulders every time he spoke those words.

Dan’s blush deepened. “So glad Frank bumped into us earlier today.”

“Oh boy do I owe everything to that guy,” Phil laughed and shook his head, “and wow, what a long day we’ve had.”

“Yeah, if you told me this morning what would happen by tonight, I wouldn’t have chosen option B and I wouldn’t have believed everything else that followed,” Dan chuckled.

“What would you have chosen then?” Phil asked, amused.

Dan shrugged, “Maybe C. You were brutal with the plug.”

Phil smirked, “I’ll keep that in mind.”

Dan blushed again, ducking his head and diving to Phil’s chest for a hug to hide it. Phil fell back on the bed from the force, laughing as Dan fell on top of him.

That night, they easily fell asleep in each other’s arms as was routine, except this time Dan didn’t have to think about whether this routine would get snatched away after the trip, he didn’t have to overthink the way Phil pulled him closer or how easily he could snuggle into Phil’s chest. He didn’t have to pretend, because this time he knew it would always be this way.

---------------------

Dan stretched, cracking an eye open. Sunlight was beaming through the tiny slit in the curtains, indicating that they’ve slept in.

He turned to see Phil still asleep. He took in the sight, realising he’d never had the pleasure of watching Phil so peaceful in slumber since Phil was always the first one up. Phil’s arm was loosely wrapped around his tummy, and he tried not to move too much and accidentally wake Phil.

Phil’s usual quiff was a mess, and Dan took the liberty to do what he’d always wanted - he played with some long strands that were sticking out. Eventually, Phil stirred awake, pouting at Dan who had to stifle a squee at just how adorable he looked.

“Mornin’,” Phil murmured, voice gruff from sleep.

“G’morn,” Dan couldn’t stop himself from smiling, still twirling Phil’s fringe between his fingers.

“Did I dream up the whole of yesterday?” Phil wondered aloud.

Dan laughed softly, “I think I had the same dream.”

Phil yawned, squeezing his arm around Dan’s waist tighter, pulling him closer. He kissed Dan, feeling him smile against his lips.

“Don’t you have work today?” Dan asked as he pulled away.

“Frank let me take today off and he’d handle things, the saviour that he is,” Phil explained.

He took in the sight of his boy so close in front of him, memorising every freckle and line on his face. Just yesterday he thought this would be a temporary pleasure, and his heart soared at the knowledge that that wouldn’t be the case anymore. He didn’t give Dan time to respond before going for another kiss.

Phil’s hand moved along Dan’s hip, feeling smooth skin until he reached the waistband of his briefs.

“It wasn’t really nice of me leaving you without relief after a whole day of teasing yesterday,” Phil said pointedly.

Dan licked his lips to taste Phil on his own, “No, it really wasn’t.”

Phil’s fingertips danced along Dan’s waistband as he moved to lay on top of Dan and began a trail of kisses down his neck.

Dan stifled a whimper, already feeling himself get hard, which wasn’t difficult after the denial yesterday. He bucked his hips, brushing up against Phil’s thigh. Phil was taking his time sucking a hickey on his collarbone, bringing colour back to the bruises that were fading since their last time in the tub.

Dan writhed under Phil. They’d had sex lots of times by now, yet this time felt different. He was thrumming with anticipation, all sleepiness gone to make way for arousal. Phil’s kisses lingered in a way that he could feel his love and admiration. Before, they’d always mask their want with the guise of it being Dan serving Phil, helping him relax when work got too stressful. Before, they’d been too scared to show how much it meant to both of them being able to have each other in such a way. Before, they just had sex.

Now, Dan realised, they were making love.

And through all the countless hookups Dan has had, he realised they were never enough because they were all missing what he craved for most. And it was love.

He whined when Phil’s lips closed around his nipple, licking it to hardness.

“Have I told you how beautiful you are?” Phil whispered against Dan’s chest, and Dan all but keened.

Phil loved how Dan was falling apart under his hands and mouth already. He loved that he could now speak his mind, worship his body how he’d always wanted to. And his boy was fully his, he didn’t have to put on the whole boss facade and pretend he wanted only a quick rough fuck, and Dan no longer had to pretend either.

Dan was tangling his fingers in Phil’s hair when Phil moved even lower, now nosing the skin just above the waistband.

“Please,” Dan whined, and Phil felt his own cock twitch.

“Get the lube, love,” Phil sat up to remove his own underwear, and Dan hastily turned to retrieve the item from the bedside drawer.

Once Dan handed it to Phil, Phil pushed him back onto the bed, going back to work where he left off. He mouthed at the tent in Dan’s briefs, drawing a whimper out of Dan.

Dan lifted his hips again, but Phil placed a firm hand on his thigh to hold him down as he continued sucking Dan through the fabric. Dan shivered, loving that Phil was still subtly taking charge. He hoped Phil would never stop showing his Dom side.

Ever so slowly, Phil began pulling Dan’s briefs off, watching Dan’s cock bob onto his lower stomach. He deliberately left it untouched as he moved lower, dragging the cloth off of Dan’s legs.

Once off, he guided Dan to spread his legs, bending his knees and planting the soles of his feet on the bed. Dan watched him with glazed eyes as he slicked his fingers with the lube and spread some on Dan’s puckered hole.

He pressed his finger against Dan’s entrance, watching Dan watching him. Dan was breathing heavy in anticipation, and Phil couldn’t resist taking that breath away from him. He bent down for a kiss the moment he inserted his finger into Dan, feeling Dan gasp against his mouth.

Phil had opened him up lots of times, but never in this position that Dan felt was the most intimate he’d ever been with Phil. He moaned into Phil’s mouth when Phil added another finger. His hands found their way to Phil’s back, and he trailed his nails lightly down as he felt Phil’s fingers scissor.

They were still kissing when Phil hit Dan’s sweet spot, and Dan mewled out, digging his nails into Phil’s back. Phil wasn’t fazed though, merely adding a third finger while biting on Dan’s lower lip.

“Mmph,” Dan moaned into Phil’s mouth, moving his hips against Phil’s fingers.

Phil broke the kiss to let Dan speak, seeing a tiny trail of saliva connecting their lips.

“Please Phil,” Dan moaned urgently.

Phil chuckled, “Think I might like hearing you say my name like that even more than ‘Sir’.”

“Phhiiiilll,” Dan drawled out on purpose, barely containing his cheeky smirk.

He was promptly interrupted by an involuntary moan when Phil twisted his fingers, prodding at his prostate.

“You were saying?” it was Phil’s turn to smirk.

“I was saying,” Dan huffed between gasps as Phil continued fingering him, “get on with it, Sir,” he added with a cheeky sarcasm.

Phil pulled his fingers out, but not before having another jab at Dan’s prostate in response to Dan’s sass. He lubed them again and stroked himself. Dan immediately folded himself for better access, knees touching his chest.

Dan was looking up at him adoringly, like. Like Phil meant the world to him. He had to stop his movements to wonder how one could ever think so highly of him.

And then some precum spurted out of Dan and the quiet adoration between them broke as they burst into a fit of giggles.

“I’m so glad to be able to do this with you properly,” Phil murmured after he gathered himself, lining himself up with Dan’s waiting hole.

As Phil kissed Dan and pushed into him simultaneously, Dan understood exactly what Phil meant. They’d always fucked, but usually with Dan facing away from Phil, or in a rather uncomfortable position. Bent over on the office desk, riding on the office chair, against the office window, in the hotel bathtub, on the small office couch, on all fours on the office coffee table. But never this tenderly, this lovingly, with Dan comfortably on his back with a full view of Phil above him, and likewise now Phil had a proper view of him. And Phil no longer needed to hide how he felt for Dan when they did this, it was written all over his face. He adored Dan just as much as Dan did him.

Dan kissed him back with as much enthusiasm as he could from his position. He wrapped his legs around Phil’s hips and his arms around Phil’s neck, pulling him in closer.

Phil paused once he was fully inside Dan. They lay connected on both ends like that for a bit, until Dan started wiggling his hips impatiently. So Phil obliged and started moving.

“Love you,” Dan felt the need to let Phil know the moment they broke their kiss.

Phil responded by biting down on Dan’s neck just below his earlobe. He started thrusting faster as he sucked more lovebites down Dan’s neck. Dan was whimpering, a sound Phil was so familiar with by now but he didn’t think he’d ever tire of it.

After all the teasing the previous day, it didn’t take long for Dan to feel his climax approaching. His stomach was already stained with his precum, and he moaned with every thrust directly to his prostate. Phil kept up his pace, unrelenting.

Phil couldn’t stop kissing him everywhere he could reach. His lips, his cheeks, his neck, his shoulders. This was all he’d wanted, and he realised it was all he wanted right from the start.

“Phil,” Dan whined, and his name tasted so good on Dan’s tongue.

Just hearing Dan say his name like that made Phil shudder in pleasure, and he was getting close too. Dan was leaving red trails down his back with his nails, and it further drove him to the edge.

“’m sorry for,” Phil grunted between heavy breaths, “denying us both this for so long.”

Their eyes were locked, and Phil could see the understanding within Dan’s, despite how his eyebrows creased with every thrust into him.

“At least I know now I wasn’t - oh, god - the only one p-playing pretend,” Dan managed a cheeky smile between his moans.

“I’m so close, Sir,” he warned, addressing Phil out of habit.

And while Phil had a newfound love for hearing Dan call his name during sex, he was also glad his boy was still his boy.

He fucked into Dan until Dan was a mess of constant moans. Dan’s eyes rolled into the back of his head, and he came before Phil could even touch his cock. He saw stars behind his eyelids, and when he opened them he saw Phil finishing inside him too.

Phil jerkily rocked into Dan as he orgasmed. His arms finally gave out when he was done and he plopped onto Dan, both their chests heaving for air as they slowly came down from their high.

Dan wrapped his arms around Phil’s neck. He pecked Phil on the lips, a fleeting kiss almost like the first time he had the courage to kiss Phil.

“I Love you, don’t know what I did to get you,” Phil murmured, and Dan could feel his breath against his lips.

Phil threaded his hand through Dan’s hair, cupping Dan’s face with his other. Dan felt so light, like he’d never felt before. Like all his worries were washed away, just by looking into Phil’s mesmerising eyes.

A smile slowly found its way on Dan’s lips as he thought about how unbelievable everything was. He couldn’t believe that going home after this trip wasn’t going to mean going backwards on their progress. He didn’t have to pretend anymore, didn’t have to repress his feelings or doubt Phil’s. He laughed a little, pure joy coursing through him.

“I love you too,” he said, still not believing that he could say it aloud. That he could say it to Phil. That Phil felt the same.

Phil smiled back, poking the dimple so prominent on Dan’s face. He reluctantly shuffled off of Dan, moving to lay on his side but never taking his eyes away from Dan, like his life depended on looking at him. Dan had no doubt that Phil was in the same disbelief he was in.

“So how’s about we visit the empire state building today, since we didn’t get to yesterday?” Phil asked.

They’d figure things out once they were home. Phil already had plans - ideas that had always creeped into his mind that he never let himself pay attention to for months. But all that could wait. For now, his only plan was to take the next week off from work and extend their trip. For now, his only plan was to be with Dan.

-------------

Thank you for being on this fic’s journey with me :) but waittt it’s not entirely done there’s still an epilogue left, coming within the next 2 weeks! (not 2 months?! I know omg this is what happens when I plan shit?? wow)

~Part 12~

~epilogue~

[lestered]

Yesterday you said you dislike how people treat Dan just like with Phil but for different reasons, could you expand on that? I'm new so I'm sorry if you've already talked about it in which case you can just ignore this.

sure, i can try! i might’ve talked about this before but probably not for a while, so i’ll try to summarise it as best i can. i think the phandom has issues treating dan like a human being, just like they have issues treating phil like a human being. it’s just that with phil it’s more about imagining him as a complex individual, and with dan it’s more like objectification. that might not be the best word choice but again, i’ll try and explain (under the cut because ofc i ended up rambling again)

people have always been far more invasive towards dan than they have towards phil. they have a habit of picking apart his sexuality, gender identity, mental and physical health, family life, etc. with a fine-tooth comb.

gender and sexuality-wise, i don’t just mean insisting that he was gay back when he was presenting as straight. even after coming out, people have continued to debate his sexuality and gender, despite him pretty clearly saying “i identify as gay/queer and i’m comfortable identifying as a man in my male body.” continuing to debate that after the fact is really disrespectful and like, the opposite of the point he was trying to make with that coming out video in the first place. 

mental and physical health wise: some people tend to hyperfocus on his body - his complexion, the bags under his eyes, if they think he’s gained or lost weight, etc. - and not only are they overly critical of that, they’ll then begin to make assumptions about how it ties into his mental health, assuming he’s more depressed for any of the above reasons. they’ll also imagine he’s going through a depressive episode any time he’s inactive, even though it’s pretty clear that inactive on social media =/= mental health crisis. he’s proven that already. or they’ll read too far into anything he does say, especially refusing to take jokes at face value. self deprecating humor can be a mechanism for dealing with low self esteem, yes, but it’s not always that deep. anyway, imagine someone analysing your body and brain like that closely all the time. that’s super uncomfortable.

family wise, there tends to be a lot of speculation around dan’s relationship with his mother and brother, past relationship with his father, his parents’ relationship, his family’s financial situation when he was younger - stuff that’s really no one’s business but theirs. like, there used to be a bunch of reposted videos where he mentioned his family’s financial situation and a bunch of those videos were copyright claimed by him, which should be enough of a message to stop doing that. there was that entire mess with adrian in 2012, and even now (that he’s Finally come back to the internet) some people follow him just on the off chance that they might get to see or hear something about dan. which isn’t outright bad behavior, it’s more just like... kinda confusing. 

he’s also way oversexualised. not just in the sense of people deriving sexual pleasure from him and generally oversexualising his body, though that’s part of it. his existence itself is also oversexualised. note how when there’s #phandivorce (lol) discourse, people are always pointing to dan’s social media interactions with other gay men (like miss benny) and accusing him of cheating. the same thing used to happen before he came out, except it was with women (like cat.) note how the conspiracies about phil were always about him having a secret wife or girlfriend, but with dan the conspiracies tend to be more about casual sex and illicit affairs. that’s a problem.

the final point i’ll make isn’t about objectification but more about sensationalizing. people have incredibly high expectations of him. they look at him as some kind of tortured genius when really he’s just a guy (a guy with depression, but still, A Guy) who wants to be an entertainer. it worsens when he’s inactive, because that leaves more room for theories to run wild and people go crazy wanting what they can’t have (at the moment, anyway.) but, yeah. basically, the phandom has trouble treating dan like a regular person, just like with phil. they’re just kind of at opposite ends of the spectrum, if that makes sense.

[adziedoodle]

Dan’s video, my mistakes, my apology, moving forward

---

Firstly, i love dan so much omg - i wrote my tweet here expressing all that love - but of course, more importantly, i’m so so happy and proud for him for coming out as queer!!! as well as phil’s tweet rt quoting dan’s video!! what a babe!!

---

I know to some it may seem like a chance for me to go ‘ahahaha we been knew’ or ‘I told you sooooo!!!’ but as Dan said in his video, and as I have learnt over the years, to say such would be to disrespect the person coming out and their personal journey. 

To add to this, I also feel the need to say that I am very sorry for my behaviour and words that came with it a few years back on this blog when I was in my Peak phandom/phannie phase (it’s not really a phase, it’s just changed over time).  To explain, during that time I had a ‘bi!dan’ tag (and i think another one along the lines of ‘queer yt’ as well as ‘whatphan’) a few years ago in which I would frequently speculate, or regrettably use the term ‘headcanon’, dan (and phil)’s sexuality and make assumptions about the relationship for various reasons that I’ve learnt now don’t really justify why I felt the need to. I’d argue, it gets a little tricky to separate the irl person from the person we see in the videos, especially when you grow up watching them like their a cartoon character, but I’ll also admit, I certainly got carried away with my idea of Dan (and Phil) and not always thinking properly of them as complex people with complex lives with complex sexualities to boot! It was wrong of my to slap a label on Dan, even if I had my reasons I thought at the time were... reasonable.

I just want to clarify, even before dan’s video he posted today, that I have learnt that I shouldn’t have been so publicly vocal in regards to speculating dan’s (or anyone’s) sexuality. It wasn’t right then or now tbh and as someone who is gay/queer myself and had times of being scared to be so, I really should’ve known better and listened to my own preachings of ‘your words have impact’.

I don’t want to believe that I crossed as many privacy boundaries as some folks, I only came across bread crumbs those folks had left behind, but even then, it’s easy to put myself up higher and be like ‘I’m not thaaaat bad’. Now, I acknowledge that I still went too far in a lot of ways and certainly put my own feelings, desperation, curiosities and need to project first before Dan (or anyone else in his position of not being out). I am sincerely sorry for this and any negative impact my words in the past may have had on him (or anyone). I’ve learned to be better and hopefully have acted out to be so. I only say ‘may’ here because I don’t think I’ll ever be sure if he saw any of my posts specifically , but I still want to apologise.

That all being said, I’m not gonna delete my tag(s) (that I later changed to ‘dan likes boys’) because i feel like that would be pretty suspicious like I was sweeping it under the rug. This blog is a big record of me growing up from as young as 15 (I’m nearly 23 now!) and as much as it scares me, I don’t want to erase that, even the parts that don’t highlight me in the best way. I want to be honest and acknowledge my mistakes so people can learn from them. Please, if you come across posts in the tags I’ve mentioned that rub you the wrong way, take it with a pinch of salt as this is me apologising for writing without thinking and getting so carried away. Also, I don’t really wanna mention it here but this isn’t about ‘phan’ and I’m not sorry for my phan art because D+P have expressed that is all okay multiple times (and even partook themselves with fanfic in TABINOF / TATINOF ahah), I haven’t cared about ‘shipping’ them in forever, to me they are just as Dan expressed because (now) it’s from the source himself (well, quoted on someone else’s twitter ahah but my point stands). I’m also not sorry for like, seeing a part of myself in Dan and Phil, as well as their relationship resonating with me and reminding me of my own- with people I consider soulmates (i agree with this basically) - I’m just sorry how I went about it all and how that potentially hurt Dan.

In the end, I stand where I have since I first started watching them in 2009 - these thoughts and feelings fuelled a lot of my past behaviours but I’ve learnt to think before doing and embrace it on my own or in more private spaces but it’ll still consolidate and make a cool conclusion here: 

I’ve felt a connection to Dan, Phil and their lovely relationship - whatever it is to them -, and while I’m overwhelmingly happy that connection has been further validated with Dan’s video and Phil’s tweet afterwords, what matters most, especially now, is that they are in a position where they can feel happiness, pride and just contentment in themselves and each other (even if things aren’t perfect 100% of the time). They don’t need protecting from something that’s a part of who they are. They are also allowed to be private about that same something though. 

They’ve given me so so much joy, pride in being different, access to a incredible passionate community (and will likely continue to over the years), especially today so really it’s only fair they feel all the things they’ve given me (and literally MILLIONS OF OTHERS !!!) for 10 years :’) 

I love Dan and Phil and this honestly feels like a new era where we’re all grown up/learning to grow more! Here’s to being better, making progress, living our truths and !!! being queer !!!

[unorthodoxsavvy]

Phandom Reverse Bang Story

Summary: Dan is stuck taking his little brother to Vidcon where he doesn’t know anyone, nor any of the creators, but taking his brother’s advice to heart, he sets off to catch “Amazingphil”’s panel. By some stroke of luck, he runs into Martyn, who offers Dan a behind-the-scenes look at the YouTube sensation. What Dan doesn’t know is that the Lester brothers have their own agenda- an agenda that just might change Dan’s life.

Read it on Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/501228030-unorthodoxsavvy%27s-reverse-phandom-bang-story-2017

Artist Art coming soon (hopefully)

Link to Phandom Reverse Bang: https://phandomreversebang.tumblr.com/

Being stuck as the one who had to take his little brother to Playlist Live had it’s pros and cons for Dan.

For one thing, he was going to a convention for cheaper than he would have on his own, since his parents had paid for both their plane tickets. Another perk was that he would hopefully be able to meet some new people that were somewhat similar to him. After high school, he’d lost any “friends” he’d had, and the people at Uni just weren’t comparing. At least most people left him alone, though. That was something.

Some drawbacks, however, were the fact he still had to pay for his ticket to this thing, and bring spending money for food and in case his little brother ran out. All money he could have been spending on school supplies. Plus the fact he wasn’t even a fan of YouTube.

“You’ll like it if you just give it a try!” Harvey had told him when it had been confirmed it was Dan taking his brother out of the country.

“I don’t have time to, I have to study for a degree,” Dan said, though the words sounded like a lie.

Dan still questioned if he was doing the right thing for himself, but if it wasn’t studying for a degree, what was it?

Even the YouTuber Harvey had told Dan he might get along with had a degree or two up his sleeve.

His name was AmazingPhil- well, his “YouTuber” name. He was a few years older than Dan, and from England as well.

“Just give him a try,” Harvey had begged. Dan didn’t though. It wasn’t out of disrespect to his little brother, who only wanted to be closer to him. It was out of stubbornness for something else.

But here Dan was, in a world he didn’t understand, hoping to find something to do while Harvey waited in line for Smosh. At least that name Dan recognized. The rest were names he had only heard from his brother’s mouth.

So what to do? Dan stood against one wall of the show room, glancing at the battery on his phone, which was swiftly dropping.

Either he could cling to the last bits of life on his phone, and then be left without it, stranded, or he could change his mindset, and actually go find something to do. After all, these panels and things couldn’t be boring if so many people traveled all this way to see them, right?

Dan heard his little brother’s voice in his head once again. “Just give it a try”. He was here, he had nothing to do, so he might as well try. AmazingPhil, right? Dan glanced at the map. Oh no, Dan thought to himself. His panel was going on right now. Dan quickly weaved his way over to the show-room door, but it was closed tight. Seriously? They can’t make this a come-and-go-as-you-please thing? These people must’ve been really uptight.

A guy was stood next to the door, and Dan flushed in embarrassment.

“Trying to get in?” the man asked in a thick northern accent.

Dan nodded sheepishly.

“Are you a fan?”

Dan shrugged. “Not really, actually. My little brother just said this guy was really good, and that I would like him. I wouldn’t know, though. I didn’t have time to watch any of his videos.”

“Why not?” the man asked.

Dan flicked his eyes away and thought of his so-called reasons. That he was studying. That he needed a degree. That this was where he was meant to be. And so that was what he said.

“Huh.” The man eyed him, his expression changing-hardening?

Dan felt the weight of everything on him all at once. The weight never left, but sometimes it was heavier.

The man’s expression changed again, to something of-sympathy?

“If you’re really interested, come with me,” he said, turning, but not quick enough to hide his smirk at being able to use such a smooth line.

He started walking down the hall to the next door on the right, labeled “Staff Only”.

Dan felt his face heat and flush again and started to finger the bracelet he had on. “Staff Only”? But he wasn’t staff. And what if this man wasn’t staff? And what if someone found them? What if when they found them they kicked them both out? How was he going to get to his brother Harvey? Sure, he could tell them that he had to get his brother, but what if they thought it was just a cop-out? What if-

Dan forced himself to take a deep breath as he passed into the dark depths that laid behind the door.

“So you know this AmazingPhil guy, yeah?” he asked, keeping his voice low in the all-encompassing silence.

The man, however, gave a hearty laugh. “Know him? Well, I should hope so! I had to grow up with the twat! But for real, he’s not a bad guy. He deserves all these fans and more,” he said, sweeping his arms in a motion to gesture all the fans they were about to see.

“Oh.”

“I’m really proud of him, for putting himself out here, you know. Taking a chance. This is what he really wants to do. I don’t think he could do anything else.”

Dan felt like the man was maybe trying to hint at something, but he put it down to his overactive, anxiety-ridden imagination jumping to conclusions. He felt the cords intertwining in his bracelet carefully, and then dropped his fingers from it.

“Where are you taking me?” he finally asked.

“Someplace you might be able to get some perspective on things.”

Okay, so not over-reacting.

The man, Phil’s brother, whose name Dan didn’t even know yet, put a finger to his lips as he opened a door impossibly quiet.

The sound of a guy’s voice struck Dan immediately.

“So, yeah, that’s just how I got started. Enough of that boring stuff,” he chuckled with a shrug, as if it were nothing, and the laughter of a few hundred people came at Dan seemingly like a freight train. He gasped, forgetting the brother’s warning.

The man on stage’s eyes flicked to the side of the stage for a second, but it was almost imperceptible. Dan felt his stomach clench with anxiety.

“Instead, let’s talk about you guys. This is for all of you. This convention, this panel-everything. None of this would be possible without all you dedicated viewers. Whether you’re here ‘cause you got nothing better to do, or you’re a fan-thank you from the bottom of my heart. You all deserve warm, cuddly badgers under your bed tonight.”

Dan thought that was kind of a weird thing to wish for, but he let it slide.

The panel was going to be over soon, but from what he was seeing, Dan was enjoying it. No wonder this guy had so many followers. He was just so- unique. His personality didn’t seem to have any barriers. He was in tune with himself, and he was unapologetic about who he was. Dan couldn’t relate.

Another thing that struck Dan was how his features were startlingly contrasting, much like Snow White, with the pale skin, raven hair, and her original blue eyes. His lips weren’t as deep red as the Disney Princess’ were made out to be, but they were noticeable.

The crowd was simply eating him up. It was nothing like Dan had ever experienced. So many people at once, so many people happy, and feeling connected, at once. Only he didn’t feel connected to them.

All too soon the panel ended, with Phil announcing to the audience he’d be doing his meet-and-greet outside the hall in ten minutes. The crowd cheered and roared, and Phil got a standing ovation from his dedicated fans and viewers. It reminded Dan of his theatre days, though they had never been clapping solely for him and something he had built himself.

Phil hopped off his stool as the crowd filed out the door that Dan had been trying to get in, and made his way over everyone in the stage wing.

“Oi, Martyn!” he exclaimed as he hurried over to his brother. They shared a handshake before Phil turned to Dan.

“Who’s this?”

Dan felt himself blush yet again, and figured that it was just commonplace at this point.

“This is- geeze, I didn’t even get your name dude, sorry,” the guy, Martyn, chuckled, fixing his hat.

“Dan,” he mumbled.

“Dan? Cheers! What’s up?” Phil smiled, passing his microphone off to someone. Dan liked the way his name sounded when Phil said it.

“I, uh, just came to check you out, Imeancomewatchyourstageshow,” Dan rushed out at his seemingly-embarrassing word choices. Phil didn’t seem phased, however, or was at least good at hiding it, probably the later, Dan figured, and moved on.

“So are you a fan?”

“No, but my brother is. He said I’d like you. I’m sure he’d like to come meet you, but he’s in line for Smosh at the moment.”

“Well, if you’re really interested, come to my meet-and-greet, and we can talk more!”

Phil started to make his way past Martyn and Dan, and Dan went to follow, but Martyn grabbed ahold of his arm.

“Wait until the crowd has died down to get in line. You’ll have more time to talk to him that way. If a fan comes up to meet him, just wait for him on the side.”

Dan nodded, but refrained from asking Martyn why he was helping Dan to meet this guy so much.

Dan exited through the “Staff Only” door and back into the showroom where he could see a queue forming to the side of Phil, who was standing in front of some kind of curtain or something with little logos all over it. As he passed, he heard the girl talking to Phil introduce herself as Cami, and tell him that she had drawn some fanart for him, which she handed to Phil.

Phil met eyes with Dan, gave him a quick grin, and turned his attention back to the young girl, engrossing himself in a genuine conversation with her, before she got his signature and another hug and moved on.

*-*-*-*-*

Dan walked around for a little bit, but never strayed far from where he could keep an eye on Phil’s queue. Eventually, at the last five minute of his meet-and-greet section, there was only one fan left, so Dan made his way over to Phil.

“Hullo, Dan!” Phil smiled at him, thick northern accent sounding like his brother’s.

“Hi, uh...”

“You can just call me Phil, haha,” Phil provided, sensing what it was that Dan was stumbling over.

“Thanks, Phil.”

“So, you said you’re not a fan, but you want to be?”

“Yeah, I guess,” he mumbled, playing with his bracelet again.

“That’s really nice of you,” Phil smiled at him in a way that no one had for ages.

“Yeah, I guess,” he said, then worried that he sounded narcissistic, so said thank you again.

“So, what are you up to in life? Graduated from high school?”

“Yeah,” Dan chuckled, “I’m in Uni.”

“Ooh!” Phil exclaimed. “Studying what?”

“Uh, law,” Dan said, and Phil’s expression kind of… froze… in place.

“That’s cool,” he said, but it didn’t sound as happy. Maybe Dan was overthinking again.

“Well, I hope you got a little taste of what I do,” Phil said, awkwardly shuffling his feet with a smile that felt plastered on.

“Yeah, uh, I guess,” Dan said, immediately regretting it yet again. Can’t you just form proper sentences that don’t make you sound like an arse? He fiddled with his bracelet quicker as his heartbeat picked up.

Phil seemed to jump on his words though. “Well, if you feel like you still haven’t had the full experience, there’s going to be a YouTube party tonight! And all YouTubers are allowed to bring up to three guests.”

“Oh, okay. Cool,” Dan responded, not wanting to assume that this was Phil inviting him until Phil explicitly said so.

“So I was wondering if you wanted to be my third guest?” Phil asked hopefully.

Oh. So he was already taking a few other friends. Dan was probably going to just be sat in a corner then.

“My other two guests are Martyn and his friend,” Phil said, almost as if he was reading Dan’s mind. “Martyn practically has his own set of friends at these things.”

“That’s cool,” Dan said. He was really excited to go. Dan hadn’t been invited to a party since going to someone’s Sweet Sixteen. But he had Harvey to think about. He couldn’t leave his little brother in a hotel room.

He expressed this to Phil.

“Ah, right,” Phil agreed, crestfallen. “Well, here’s my number. Just to, uh, keep in touch, or whatever, if you want,” he said, scribbling his number on Dan’s hand like some sort of 80s romance movie. His hands were soft, Dan noticed, and it was such an out-of-place thought in his head. He tried his best to ignore it.

“T-thanks,” he said.

Phil looked at the time. “Well, Meet and Greet’s officially over, so I’ll have to be going now. Hug?” Phil chuckled.

Dan shrugged, not knowing how to say “no, I’m good thanks, you’re really intimidating even though you’re really nice,” and gave Phil one of the most awkward hugs he’d ever given and received.

*-*-*-*-*

“Who’s phone number is that on your hand?” Harvey asked in between talking about everything he’s experienced that day on the ride to the hotel in an American taxi.

The taxi pulled up to the hotel and they got out.

“It’s AmazingPhil’s.”

“YOU GOT AMAZINGPHIL’S PHONE NUMBER?” Harvey practically screeched, and Dan quickly dragged him through the hotel’s revolving door to prevent any fangirls of Phil’s that might have been lurking to ambush them.

“Yeah, he invited me to the YouTube party that all the creators are having tonight.”

“You’re picking up the lingo,” Harvey joked before asking excitedly if Dan was going.

“Of course not. I have to watch you,” he said.

Harvey’s face fell for a second, and then lit up again.

“Wait! I made a friend in line for Smosh that is staying in the same hotel as us who wanted to hang out tonight! His dad offered to chaperone! So I can go hang out in their hotel room, and you can go to the party!” Harvey smiled.

“I don’t know, Harvey, I’d have to meet this guy,” Dan replied, playing with his bracelet.

“That’s fine,” Harvey said, “They left early, so they should be back already. Besides, do you know how many YouTuber signatures you could get me?”

Dan chuckled, ruffling up his little brother’s hair.

“Alright, we’ll see,” Dan said, but in his head, he was really excited that things had worked out this way.

*-*-*-*-*

“So?”

“He’s not coming,” Phil replied, flopping down on the couch Martyn and him were temporarily sharing in their hotel room.

“Oh,” Martyn replied, moving Phil’s legs and placing them on his lap as he sat down on the other end of the couch. “I’m sorry. Why not?”

“He has to watch his little brother.”

Martyn cursed himself under his breath. He should have thought of that. But Dan… Dan was the right one. He was sure of it.

“I’m sorry. Do try and enjoy yourself, though, yeah?”

Yeah, I’ll try, he thought to himself. Got to keep up appearances, after all.

Phil nodded glumly, arching his back to slide his phone, which had just gone off, from his back pocket.

There was a text from a number he didn’t recognize, but the few words he could see on the home screen read “Hey, it’s Dan.”

Phil’s heart pulled and he opened the text.

“Hey, he is coming!” Phil cheered.

“That’s awesome,” Martyn smiled, hiding his relief. “Are we going to meet him at his hotel?”

Phil hesitated.

“How’s this, I’ll go with my friends on my own since they all know how to get there, and you go meet this Dan fella?” Martyn suggested.

Phil smiled. “That’s a good idea.”

Martyn moved Phil’s legs again to stand up, and casually tossed “Don’t forget the roses and chocolate,” over his shoulder, giggling to himself.

*-*-*-*-*

Dan had agreed to meet Phil outside the hotel Harvey and him were staying in and take the taxi Phil had arrived in from there.

Dan shuffled his feet on the sidewalk outside the hotel where people passed in front of him occasionally.

He was dressed as best as he could manage with the clothes he had brought. Obviously he hadn’t brought anything too trashy, but he hadn’t expected to be going to a party, either. Especially not with people who were celebrities in their own rights. He went to reach for his bracelet, and then remembered he had taken it off.

He should have kept it on. Was it too late to go back for it?

Dan glanced at his phone, which he had charged up finally. Phil was two minutes late. But who knew when he would arrive, then?

He forced himself to calm his breathing.

A moment later, a taxi pulled up to the curb, and Phil moved over to the window in the back facing Dan and waved. A startlingly pale face framed by that dark hair of his. Anyone would agree he was simply stunning.

Dan danced in and out of the people on the sidewalk, or the pavement as he was used to calling it, and into the taxi. Phil had moved over to the seat he was sitting in before.

Dan realized Phil must’ve already told the taxi their final destination, because the taxi started pulling down the street without further instruction.

“I don’t think I could ever get used to riding on the other side of the road,” Phil joked to Dan.

“Yeah,” Dan agreed, turning back to look out the window, something he always found calming. Phil, for all his enthusiasm, did they same, and they spent the ride to the party in silence, until Dan could tell they were nearing.

“So, what’s the protocol for something like this?” Dan asked.

Phil glanced at him from the corner of his eye.

“Protocal? I don’t know. I just stand by the food usually, but you’ll end up mingling one way or another.”

Phil went back to focusing out his window, leaving Dan not at all reassured.

The taxi pulled up to the curb, and Phil paid for the fee in American money. Transferring currencies was such a pain, in Dan’s opinion, but he didn’t mention it to Phil.

He was mildly surprised when Phil looped his arm through Dan’s, but he went with it, being able to sense that the inside was noisy and crowded. His social anxiety was tingling.

“AmazingPhil, with my third guest. My first two guests should have arrived already, yeah?” Phil asked as they stepped up to the door.

The security guy smiled. “Martyn and his friend? You’re right, they did,” he agreed, checking something off on his clipboard. “You guys are good to go.”

Phil pulled Dan inside, where Dan was instantly overwhelmed.

The room blasted music, which people had to speak loudly over, or even shout to be heard. The lights were all a faint pinkish or purplish color, Dan couldn’t be quite sure. The furniture was chic and new-looking, and everything was super modern. Men and women with serving plates wandered in and out of the crowd with a natural grace Dan knew he could never attain, no matter how much he practiced. He tightened his grip on Phil’s arm and Phil placed his hand reassuringly on Dan’s arm.

“Let’s go over to the food,” he spoke loudly into Dan’s ear, something that would normally make Dan recoil, but not this time.

The food table was ever-so-slightly quieter, and Dan and Phil didn’t have to strain as much to be heard by each other.

“This probably isn’t the best setting to try to get to know someone,” Phil apologized, but Dan told him not to worry about it.

“So, about Uni, and your degree,” Phil started, and Dan felt his heart sink. He hated when people asked him about his degree, it made him feel like he had to hide, like he wasn’t good enough, like he-

“Do you like it? I mean, are you happy?”

“W-what?” Dan started, not expecting to be asked that.

Phil repeated himself, but more loudly.

“A-am I happy? Well, I don’t know. It’s something to do. It gives me a sense of purpose in life.”

Phil nodded, but didn’t press the issue any further. He couldn’t, actually, because at that moment someone came up to talk to them.

It was a woman, older than both of them, but with a genuine smile on her face and impeccable makeup and a stellar outfit.

“Philly!” she smiled, hugging him while they laughed together. “Hullo, Louis!” He smiled. The fashionista, Louis, pulled away from Phil and beamed at Dan. “And this must be the mysterious Dan!” she smiled, politely holding out her ring-clad hand for Dan to shake, which made her bangles jingle-jangle.

“Mysterious Dan?” Phil interjected with a smile, but a strained one. Both Dan and Louis could sense it, and Louis adapted accordingly.

“You didn’t think word wouldn’t have gotten out about the AmazingPhil himself picking up a kid that doesn’t even watch his videos to take under his wing, did you?”

“Take under my wing?” Phil exclaimed, his voice tight.

“Well, sure, that’s why you brought him, along, isn’t it?” she asked.

Phil’s mortified silence spoke more than actual words could have.

Louis smiled and patted his shoulder. “Not to worry, dear, we’ll help you sort this out.”

Phil nodded but didn’t say anything, instead clenching and unclenching his hands, not in an angry way, but as if he wished he had something to hold. Dan did too, if he was being honest with himself.

Together they weaved their way to a couch that had an empty end, free of party goers mingling. Louis excused herself to talk to other people, but promised she’d check in on them.

Dan huddled close to Phil, feeling extremely anxious.

“Is it true?” he asked the older boy, rubbing his wrist where his bracelet would have been.

“No. Maybe. I don’t know.”

Dan nodded, but didn’t quite understand.

“It’s true I was looking for someone, maybe to be in videos with me. A part-time partner I guess you can say. Also just a friend. But you’re in Uni. You’re busy.” Phil clenched his fists. “You’re busy with something that doesn’t even make you happy.”

It was true. Dan wasn’t happy at all. And he knew that Phil had seen right through him like no one else ever had, besides Martyn, so he didn’t bother trying to deny it anymore.

“Yeah.” he admitted. “I’m not. But what else is there to do?”

“This!” Phil exclaimed, using his hands fervently. “Look around you! People can get paid for this! People like me, and people like you.”

“People like me?” Dan scoffed, “I’m a wet towel.”

“Exactly!” Phil said, much to Dan’s surprise. “People like honest and awkward. It’s relatable. It’s constant. People can depend on it.”

Dan eyed Phil. “People can depend on other people’s anxiety?”

“Yes, because they can relate to it,” he smiled. “Dan, you can be the role model people need for following their dreams. Tell your story. Break out of your shell.”

“Are you suggesting I drop out of Uni to become a full-time internet hobo?” Dan asked, not even caring if he offended anyone anymore.

“Who said you had to drop out of Uni?” Phil asked.

“You, basically,” Dan pointed out slack-faced.

“Maybe you can switch degrees. Find something that makes you happy. I don’t know. But please, just try, for me?” Phil asked, his shiny eyes wide and innocent. Innocent? No, that wasn’t it. It was almost like… it was almost like Phil was begging Dan. He really wanted Dan to do what he did.

Dan leaned back on the red leather couch to put things in perspective. First he would need equipment, and he didn’t have a lot of money. Most people who started off didn’t, though, so that shouldn’t be too much of a problem. Second, he was going to need time to make and post videos. In theory that should be difficult, with the amount of coursework and studying that was expected of him. In reality he usually ended up playing video games alone in his room to try and relieve some of his constant stress and depression. Which did help. And making videos would be more useful than video games, he guessed.

Not to mention how happy Harvey would be. Right, he was supposed to be getting signatures for the kid. He pushed the thought out of his mind and went back to focusing on what being a YouTuber would mean for him.

It would be weird to film in his dorm where people could hear him. He’d have to find another place to film. He didn’t have any good ideas, so he moved onto something else.

He was going to need content. An intro video to start, and to dig up repressed memories to share to people on the internet.

Oh god. Sharing his fails with people on the internet?

He took a moment to ponder this, thinking about how he was already a fail in general. It probably wouldn’t be that much different honestly. But it was still scary.

And dropping out of Uni was almost as scary as being in Uni. But Phil was right. He wasn’t happy. Dan knew he had been kidding himself this whole time, but he didn’t know what else to do with his life. Admitting you have no idea what you want to do with yourself is not only scary but embarrassing, and Dan didn’t want to have to deal with that. He had felt for once he could actually get on top of things. Who makes fun of someone going to law school? But Dan really wasn’t cut out for it.

“If I drop out of Uni what then? My parents will probably kill me. I doubt they’d let me move back in, even though I still have a room at home.”

“I have a spare room in my apartment,” Phil offered. “I can pay for food for both of us and stuff for a few months while you get settled. If you want.”

Someone I met like seven hours ago is trying to convince me to drop out of Uni and move in with him, Dan thought to himself. But why?

“Maybe,” Dan said.

“Think about it, but let this influence your decision,” Phil told him, gesturing around them. “If I’m not convincing enough, talk to them.”

So that’s what Dan did. He’d been taking other people’s advice so far, and it had been working well, so the two of them went around and asked what people thought of Dan’s ideas for content and if he would be cut out to be a YouTuber.

Every single person they talked to said yes.

“See? It’s not just me!” Phil said at the end of the night.

Dan sighed. “I guess you’re right.”

“Yes, I know I am!” Phil smiled, calling them a cab from outside the building where they were waiting in the fresh night air.

Dan looked around. It suddenly hit him that their night was about to come to an end.

Phil noticed the look on Dan’s face.

“What time's your flight back tomorrow?” he asked cautiously.

“Not until four. Why?”

“Well, I was thinking maybe we could go somewhere else or something,” Phil suggested.

“Like where?” Dan asked.

“Well, we are in Orlando,” Phil smiled.

“And?”

“Have you ever heard of Downtown Disney?”

“Maybe?”

“Well, it’s a quaint little place I always liked better at night,” he smiled, and so when the taxi came, that was where he asked to go.

Pulling in revealed a world the likes of which Dan would have never imagined could’ve existed. Everything was Disney themed, even down to the lamp-post and the shapes of the bushes. It was a quaint town-like area on the waterfront, with many, many stores, and even a lego sea monster that was actually in the water.

“I’ve always wanted to ride a sea monster,” Phil mentioned casually as they walked by it. Dan wasn’t even surprised at this point. His face was alight at everything to be seen. Phil mentioned he’d visited often as a kid, and took Dan to all his favorite places. They went to a store that was filled with Disney merch and displays, and found an Christmas ornament store that had an entire room for Nightmare Before Christmas merch. Dan ended up buying a Jack Skellington sweatshirt and skeleton gloves that he mentioned reminded him of Frank Iero’s gloves, a reference he was happy Phil understood.

They went to Ghirardelli's and ordered themselves extremely fancy hot chocolates even though it was a warm summer night. The place was crowded inside, so they sat on the edge of a raised bed with a tree in the center, shoulders touching.

They went to the Lego store and built Legos together. Phil ended up making little Lego replicas of them. Dan was focused on making- well, he didn’t really know what he was making, when Phil shoved them underneath his face.

“They’re so cute! We have to get them!” he said, and Dan rolled his eyes, making sure Phil could see, but agreed, so that’s what they did.

“We should switch,” Phil suggested, “and so we’ll have something to remember each other by.”

“You think I’m going to forget about you?” Dan teased, and Phil blushed. Dan didn’t know he would take it so seriously.

“No, I just thought it would be nice to have something physical from the time we spent together,” Phil said quietly, and Dan thought the idea was appealing, so he offered his hand, in which Phil put his mini figure in, exchanging it for Dan’s. Their hands brushed again and Dan was reminded of how soft the older boy’s hands were.

“What now?” Dan asked, turning to hide his blush as they exited the store. It was almost midnight.

“Want to walk around a little more?” Phil asked. Dan shrugged. “Sure.”

Walking around, they came upon a little amphitheatre that was having a live DJ cranking up a dance party that Phil insisted they had to join. Families, teens, and awkward friends danced to the beat of a song, before they put on one that everyone knew the dance moves to, except Dan, of course, so Phil had to teach him.

“You thrust your hips out like this,” Phil said, hands on his hips, moving them around in a circle to the time of the beat.

“Is that so?” Dan joked, but realized what Phil was saying was true, and so followed along with everyone else. Watching Phil dance was amusing. He wasn’t really the most graceful person ever.

Phil noticed Dan looking, and repeated Dan’s thoughts aloud.

When the song was over, the DJ came onto his microphone. His message was not one that Dan wanted to hear.

“Now, just like your awkward senior prom, or for you youngsters, what will be  your senior prom, we’re going to slow things down for a song for those of you who have been requesting it, but after that we’ll be up and running with these beats again, I promise!”

A lot of the families cleared out with a chorus of moans and groans, but some parents and teens stayed.

Dan turned to go as well, but noticed Phil wasn’t following him.

Why wasn’t Phil-

Oh.

Oh.

The crushing weight of that singular word, and all its understanding fell on him like a ton of bricks, heavier that the stress of Uni had ever been.

Oh.

“I-” Phil started, looking like a deer in headlights. “W-we don’t have to. No, we probably shouldn’t. It’s late. We should call a cab. You have a flight to catch tomorrow, and I have things to do tomorrow, and it’s just silly-”

Dan started walking towards Phil and grabbed his hand to stop it from clenching and unclenching.

“It’s fine. Right? It’s fine,” he laughed shakily.

Phil laughed along with him.

Dan’s wrist itched where his bracelet should have been.

Dancing to the music, Phil went on a nerves-induced rant.

“It was stupid of me to ask something so big of you. I’m sorry. It was selfish, too. I just wanted someone to be in videos with me. I wanted a friend. And I told Martyn. I told him to keep an eye out. And he did, and I was glad to meet you. I didn’t actually expect it to work. People knew I was lonely, and I wanted a friend. Look how well Smosh does. So when Martyn said I had another guest coming, they must have assumed- well, that’s what people do. They assume. And I guess I assumed too. That you’d want to drop everything you’ve worked so hard for to chance it all on a sketchy career that involves showing yourself off, flaws and all, to everyone on the internet. Insane, right? You can’t just ask someone to do that for you. I’m stupid. You have your own life, and we should just be friends or something.”

Dan felt something pull at his gut in a way he didn’t like. His hand tightened on Phil’s hip. Just friends? After everything he had just accepted, after feeling like maybe he was onto something, after- just friends?

No.

“No.”

“No?”

“No. I’m going to do it. I’m going to drop out of Uni and move in with you.”

“W-what?”

“You’re right. I’m not happy. I’m miserable. I agreed to take my brother here hoping- praying- something would change. That I, I’d get a sign or something. Make a friend. Find out what it is that makes all these people happy to be here. To find clarity. To find a purpose. And even if YouTube doesn’t work out… well, it’s a start. Quitting and moving out is a start, and you’ve been kind enough to help me, because…”

Dan looked at his feet. He couldn’t say it. He wasn’t 100% sure, and he couldn’t say it.

“Because I like you,” Phil filled in.

“B-because you like me. And you know that I like you…”

“A lot.”

“Yeah.”

“Enough to agree to move in with me.”

“Enough to show me things from your childhood.”

“Enough to agree to slow-dance with me.”

“Enough to show me off to your friends.”

Phil’s grip on Dan’s hand tightened, and as the song ended, he dropped their hands to their side, and together they exited the small novelty town.

“When?” Dan asked, looking up from their hands where he had been staring at them in disbelief.

“When? As soon as possible. How soon can it be?”

“A week,” Dan said.

Phil gave him a joking pout.

“Five days. Four if you help.”

Phil released Dan’s hand to wrap his arms around his new partner in videos, crime, life, whatever in a hug.

“Yay!” he said excitedly. “We’re going to become super popular! I promise, things’ll work out!”

Dan giggled, something he hadn’t done in years, and hugged Phil back.

*-*-*-*-*

Five days later, Dan had a bed in Phil’s apartment, and an entire room to himself to go with it. He even ended up buying a matching duvet to Phil’s, and their rooms balanced out their personalities while keeping a common theme.

They enjoyed doing domestic necessities like shopping for groceries together, picking out clothes the other might like, and arguing about who has to do what chores when, as well as binge-watching shows together, competing in video games, and generally sharing more about each other and opening up about their past and their goals for the future.

Dan did end up becoming a rather successful YouTuber, and over time, he even passed Phil in number of subscribers, but Phil was never bitter about it. Instead, he was really happy that Dan had turned his life around for the better. In the years to come, they would make two more joint channels, a few tours, a few books, a whole lot of videos, and a lot of memories. They never confirmed nor denied their relationship, liking to keep their fans on their toes, much to the frustration of some of them. They grew together, laughed together, created together, and existed together. Of course they talked about their relationship with each other, but they decided not to really call it anything just yet.

They had all the time in the world as of now, and that was enough for them.

[veronicadvalle]

Hey I have a question How come when all these articles are saying that fans think "Cami and KJ might be dating" alot of people get upset? Cuz I know their first response is she has a bf and whatever ( which we were not clear on before) but when people started shipping SH and saying that they were together no one had a problem. ( I know Lili didn't have a bf but they don't know that) Also I was reading the comments and alot of them were saying so a guy and a girl can't be friends

Also why can’t we just ship them, not disrespecting Cami and her personal life but just cuz we like that pairing if it were to happen ? It’s not like we go up to her door and say “Date KJ Now”. Do you know what I mean ? ( PS. It’s not 100% sure if SH are together, even though it might seem so ) Basically what I’m asking is why can’t we ship them out of fun because we like both the actors and their chemistry ? (2/2)

Well, the short and probably underwhelming answer is, its complicated. 

And before i move forward, this is my disclaimer that I’m gonna be talking about  the collective. So before people yell at me like, “NOT ALL SHIPPERS ARE LIKE THAT/DO THAT,” let me make it clear: i’m speaking of the collective and the general perspective I have received and gathered. So yeah …. maybe not all people do that, but enough people did that it left a mark in how I remember/see things. 

I don’t think we can ‘ship’ real life people the way we ‘ship’ characters. @onceuponamirror has a great post about this on their page. Link is here. And I agree with their point that everyone has to be careful about not overanalyzing real life people in the way we do to characters. The sole reason for this is that these are real life people! They aren’t their characters. They stop playing their characters the moment they are off set and off camera. They give us the show so we can overanalyze the heck of that narrative and that fiction; let’s stop there and not take this over-analytical attitude to their real lives as well. I honestly think it’s an invasion of privacy to deconstruct every single glance, touch, word that comes out of these people. They can’t do anything without someone writing a 1k essay about it, and I just think that’s wrong. 

But to get to your point, I totally see where you are coming from. The moment people shared that one article about Are KJ and Camila dating?!, a few comments (from people who openly ship SH) were along the lines of “this is embarrassing” and/or “i’m cringing.” My first thought was: “well, this is rich coming from you.” Because, as you pointed out, in the early days of the SH rumors, a lot of people were doing that overanalyzing and inserting their own narrative when it easily could have simply been platonic. It’s pretty clear and obvious that they are dating now, but that doesn’t excuse the fact that fans were pulling apart every single thing these people did to prove that they are dating. If SH even did as much as exchanged a look, 50 people would share it in the tags to prove something. That’s what I’m getting at. They used to interpret the smallest detail as romantic. So to see a few people say that its so embarrassing for people think KJ and Cami are dating, it’s …. ironic. Very, very ironic. 

Camila maintains her relationship private. that’s clear to everyone. I don’t think there is even a picture of him on her instagram / twitter. So, I’m not surprised that many people don’t know about the boyfriend. I personally think that many people think that articles of KJ/Cami dating are cringey or embarrassing because she has a boyfriend. But that’s simply a hindsight bias, because we know that information. But many people don’t. And if Camila didn’t have a boyfriend, would these ‘dating’ rumors hold more weight amongst fans? What I’m trying to say is that these KJ/Camila rumors that news outlets report on doesn’t feel that much different from what the early SH fanbase used to look/sound like. I’m sorry if that’s something blasphemous or sacrilegious thing to say but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ that’s honestly how it feels like. People would make narratives or make assumptions about SH very early on and now news outlets (who aren’t aware of Cami’s boyfriend) are doing the exactly same thing for KJmila. Which I just think is super ironic. (I also think a huge factor of this double standard is because SH plays the fan-favorite ship on tv, but you didn’t hear that from me >.> )

My point I also want to hit at is this misconception fans have of “let’s keep the shipping out of their social medias and even further away from articles” Which I just think is … futile, to say the least. Shippers (those who are seriously shipping real life people) get very upset when a tabloid or news outlet writes a story about “Are so-and-so dating?” From what people told me and from what I’ve gathered, it’s because shippers are like “we are allowed to ship them in our individual social media but we don’t want to bother them with all the shipping stuff.” And that notion just seems incredibly naive, and idealistic. Think of it like this: shippers threw a party to celebrate their ship, and then they are like, “guys, we can’t wake up Mr Tabloid and Ms News Outlet next door.” But then the shippers have the music super loud (aka, the 500x posts a day about how these two actors are dating). You’re gonna wake them up because y’all aren’t subtle!!! By seriously shipping these actors, you will automatically catch the tabloids/news outlets’ attention. That’s just the fact of the matter. Shipping isn’t this self contained bubble. So when people started wondering whether KJ and Camila are dating, that caught news outlet’s attention. That’s just how news work. As long as there are these huge fandoms, entertainment news and tabloids are gonna exist. They go hand in hand. That’s just the fact of the matter. 

Now, in regards of “shipping for fun”, I’m down with that. I’ll be a hypocrite if I said I don’t enjoy, let’s say, two youtubers’ personality and dynamic together. And, no i’m not talking about dan and phil. xD I think people can admire and enjoy a specific dynamic between two people without immediately starting a blog about how they are dating in real life! They are in love! How can you not see that they have been dating for 73 days, 17 hours, 4 minutes?! You know what I mean? You are allowed to enjoy a specific dynamic between people. And I love KJ and Camila’s dynamic. I really do. I have posts of them from comic con and other panels that I reblog routinely because they have such an adorable dynamic together.  You are also allowed to root for a couple who are dating. And I think all of that is okay! But some people take it too far. All the overanalyzing and the long posts and the investigation is taking it too far. And that’s simply how I feel about it. 

So … after I wrote a book about this (sorry, anon), I think you are allowed to enjoy Cami and KJ’s dynamic. I think there is nothing wrong with that. The only part I don’t agree with is the overanalyzing, taking it too far. Other than that, you do you. 

I don’t mean to insult anyone, I really don’t. Don’t organize a riot against me. These are simply my thoughts on the matter. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

I might be wrong and I would love to hear others’ thoughts on the matter.

[philsllamasdanslions]

Alphabet Boy

Tw: swearing. Genre: literally fluff, smut, and angst with a happy ending. Words: 3,146 Summary: Phil always pesters dan with the alphabet. Sneering at him in hallways and such. All because In 1st grade he was so nervous he said "A,C,B" but what happens when dan finally loses it and shows dan he's big now? Riding, teeny tiny bit of overstimulation, Daddy kink and rough smut. Pastel! Dan and punk! Phil By the way I suck at grammar and such as you can tell so I'm so sorry about this all and hopefully I'll get better _____________________________________ Dan hated school. He absolutely despised it. He saw no reason to want to go somewhere super early only to learn stuff you'll never use in your life again. So he couldn't help the glare that he wore as he walked through the crowded halls. He couldn't help it, people just got on his nerves. They were loud or picking on someone or some people just didn't know when someone needed to be left alone. Sighing he stuffed his hands in his white jeans. Dan was definitely what people call an aesthetically pleasing person. He wore a soft pastel pink oversized jumper today, white jeans, some pastel lavender converse, and of course his favorite lavender and pink flowered flower crown. Dan never cared what people thought of his outfits. It's his taste and he doesn't force others to like it so he's glad No one has tried to force him not to like it. You see, he didn't hate people because of his outfits or sexuality, no, this school doesn't judge. Everyone accepted him and he had friends, he just knew they respected his wishes to be alone. He hated school because of one person, one person who made his life hell. Phil Lester. Badass punk who somehow managed to beat dans grades by miles. He didn't even study! How was that fair? But still he ruined his life. You see in first grade he was asked to stand and list the alphabet, not that hard right? But you see dan was a horrifyingly shy kid. Still shy, even at 17 years old, but when everyone's watching you and you're shy you speak quickly And of course the dreaded mistake happened. :flashback: Groaning internally he stood shaking slightly. Everyone was watching him, everyone knew him, if he messed up they would never let him live it down. He hated the attention being on him, it made everything so awkward. Some say it was anxiety and some say he was too young and simply shy. Either way Dan Howell was about ready to jump out the window. Deciding he could either embarrass himself or let the teacher embarrass him which also involved getting his mom involved for disrespecting his teacher, he said it once in his head then bolted out "The alphabet, a c b" He quickly glanced around close to tears as everyone snickered. Of course they weren't being mean. Simply being immature like kids their age were. Dan didn't know it just that moment, but a boy in the back of the class snickering to himself was about to change his life in a bad way. For now. :flashback over: Of course people forgot. They moved on in only a week. Soon the biggest discussion was Annie broke her leg and used crutches and everyone got to draw on her cast, but that didn't stop Phil from mentioning it. Didn't stop him from making him cry nightly, and certainly didn't stop him from reminding the whole School that he was stupid. 'Speaking of' he thought dryly as he watched the boy walk over. Phil Lester was beautiful. He couldn't deny that, he had pale skin that dan swears sometimes he can see through him, his body was slim and tall standing at 2 inches above dan which royally pissed him off, his hair sat perfectly on top of his head never having to worry about it curling, and his eyes were enough to make anyone swoon. Still an asshole though. "Hey alphabet fuck up!" Phil said smirking at the Pastel boy with the same glint in his eye he got every time he saw dan, probably hate. "What do you want alphabet boy." He asked glaring at the raven haired boy before him, more than likely here to fuck with him, and not in a kinky way. You see, those weren't cute nicknames that made his heart melt, it was a reminder that no matter what Phil was better than him. Phil usually switched around the nickname but dan continued to call Phil alphabet boy. It was an insult in his mind, probably not in Lesters. "What's the second letter of the alphabet?" Phil asked laughing darkly. Of course he was here to make fun of him. "Hmm I hope it's F for fuck you." Dan said smirking. Phil glared at that and stepped forward pinning the pastel boy against the lockers. He tried really hard not to think about how Phils body fit perfect on his own. "Don't make me punish you Howell. That mouths messed up before but I'm sure we could find better use of it." He whispered darkly grinding his hips ever so lightly to make it seem as though an accident. Dan of course let out a pathetic whimper blushing at the sound Phil could rip out of him at the smallest touch. He hated Phil. He did, But come on, hot guy pinning you against a locker and whispering dirty sentences in your ear? Fuck yeah he was gonna take advantage of it. He felt the hot breathe of the other on his neck and oh god, his neck was his most sensitive body part, he didn't know why but it was. Phil laughed again before backing up, shaking his head and saying "pathetic." Before walking away surely heading to smoke with his friends. And God fucking dammit did Dan Howell hate Phil fucking Lester. Sighing he headed towards his English class a few minutes later. You see dan wasn't stupid, he knew what to do, how to do it, and exactly why. He just didn't care. Nobody took him seriously with English anymore so why bother. He saw no point in trying to impress the others. So he sat down at the back and pulled his sketch book out, zoning out and ignoring the teacher that walked in and began teaching. Dan began to sketch, at first drawing harsh lines that no one else would be able to picture but soon filling in and shading the picture in front of him. It was clearly a cherry blossom tree now. To most people this was just a tree, but to dan he saw the meaning, it explained the beauty of life but also how tragically short it was. "Howell!" He heard his name being shouted, and with a breathless gasp he looked up from his sketch book to see his English teacher. "Finally with us I see." She said before heading back to why learning this shit was "important." He heard a quiet snicker and immediately knew who it was but decided it was best if he just act like he's listening and continue his sketch of a cherry blossom tree. Once the bell has rang he proceeded to get up hoping to leave quickly and go home, maybe play some video games and ignore how fucked up his life was, but that was ruined when his teacher called out "Lester, Howell, I need to speak with you both." Of course. Of-fucking-course. What did Lester do? Had he started something?Groaning quietly he walked over to her desk. "Yes Ms. Julie?" He asked hoping it was nothing serious and he wouldn't have to stay for very long. "You've been failing Howell. Your just not getting this, so I think it's best we get you a tutor." She said. Are you fucking kidding me. How dare she. In front of Phil? Was this just more reason for him to insult me? "Oh, um okay." He mumbled clearly embarrassed and fuck Lester of course he was smirking. "And since Lester has perfect scores, he'll be tutoring you." "WHAT?" He yelled, oh no no no no this couldn't be happening to him. School was different. He had people there, but since he lived alone there would be no safety. This couldn't be happening. He heard Phil quietly snicker and turned to glare at him. "Whatever, your coming to my house, and I don't wanna hear a thing until we're there." He growled before storming out beginning to head to his house. He can't believe she's making him spend time with Lester. He just wanted to go home and relax but no. "Wow what nice words, alphabet slut." He heard. Dan willed himself not to cry at the word slut. He was a virgin so why was he being called something so rude. "I will murder you." He said through his teeth as he clenched them together. "Stop talking." He added on. The walk to his house was silent but he knew hell was to come. Walking slowly dan took this time to think about everything. Why Phil thought it was hilarious to torture him, why the earth was so pretty but held such assholes, and why he couldn't read Phils emotion right at the moment. It annoyed him too no end not to be able to read his emotions. His face was just set in a blank expression giving no hints to what he was thinking about and It made him feel stupid. Soon he was arriving at his house and unlocking the door. "It's not much..but I live alone so I guess it doesn't matter" he shrugged awkwardly. He quickly made his way in inviting Phil inside before closing the door and heading upstairs. He opened his door blushing at the anime and video games that located around the room. "Sorry for the mess" he mumbled. "We could make a bigger mess." Phil said smirking at dan and winking. Dan rolled his eyes but blushed more. "How about we get this over with?" He said sitting down at his desk and pulling out his books. Phil sighed and reluctantly sat down on the bed beginning to explain the chapter they are working on in class. Even though Dan already knew what to do. ~time skip because I'm not a teacher~ They sat there for a few hours working on the lesson. Dan was beginning to get annoyed. He knew all of this he just didn't care so why was he being forced to learn all of this? At the moment Phil was reading over a paper, so he decided to take some time studying him. He looked over his face first, the way his eyelids fluttered the tiniest bit when he read, the way his lips parted ever so slightly, he watched the way his eyes moved along the paper as though it was a girl he found attractive. You see, dan wouldn't lie, he's hot. God he's hot and he definitely wouldn't mind that mouth on his neck, wait shit he can't think like that. Slowly his eyes travelled down to his body, his hands which would be perfect for holding him down, no, none of that, his torso which he could bet would fit perfectly on his, and slowly travelled down to his crotch, of course he was wearing skinny jeans which left almost nothing to the imagination. You know what, fuck it, He was done being teased, he just wanted to be fucked by Phil Lester and he had a plan for that, he would say something to annoy him, then say something in which hopefully he'll take as a hint. So he slowly looked up and said "My eyes have crossed. I am now blind. I can not continue or I will die." He said dramatically. Phil rolled his eyes "just shut up Howell." He said glaring at the pastel boy. Dan but his lip before he spoke lowly, "why don't you make me?" He said fluttering his eyes for effect. Phil growled under his breath before walking over to the boy. Phil knew his plan and if that's what he wanted then that's what he'll fucking give him. Deciding they could do soft later he quickly grabbed Dans hair but before he pulled and they started this he looked down "are you sure you want this?" He asked. See he wasn't a total dick. Dan quickly whined nodding "yes daddy." And fuck every restraint went out the window as he yanked up on dans hair, forcing him to stand. "Say red if you need to stop. We won't continue for another second but you'll need to say it." Phil said. Dan let out a whimper already feeling himself harden at the roughness. Yes he hated Phil, but he wanted to be fucked and screw anyone that judged him for that. "Tell me who you belong to." Phil said dominance clear in his voice as he pulled dans trousers down quickly. "You daddy." Dan moaned blushing and whimpering as the cold air hit his throbbing member that was already half hard. Phil smirked and smacked his ass before saying "I want you to ride me in your jumper and crown baby" he said pushing dan on the bed and undressing himself quickly. He stopped at the edge of the bed stroking himself for a minute while letting out deep grunts. Dan was in pure bliss and he hasn't even been touched yet. He watched as Phil stroked himself and quickly looked up at Phil "can I suck you off daddy? Please daddy wanna make you feel good." He whined his mouth practically drooling at Phils cock. It was huge but not too big and plenty wide. It was definitely perfect in Dans eyes and he needed it in his mouth. Phil smirked at his baby before climbing on the bed and guiding Dans head onto his cock. Fuck. Phil wasn't religious but he was positive this was heaven. Dans mouth was hot and wet and he was kitten licking the tip and Phil was positive he was seeing Jesus. Dan glanced up and made eye contact with Phil as he went deeper taking him down his throat. Pro of being dan Howell. No gag reflex bitches. Phil continued to let out moans and dan pretty much drank them up swallowing Phil down. Phil could only moan as he watched the boy take him and stared in amazement at his lack of a gag reflex. But soon he was getting close and all good things got fucking better as he stood up and shushed a whining dan grabbing the lube from his school bag. Phil walked back over to the bed leaning over dan as he left soft kisses up and down the boys exposed collar bones from his jumper pushing down. Dan whined softly at the feeling of Phil being sweet and his hips thrusted up on their own accord silently begging Phil to get on with it. Phil chuckled whispering a small "needy" to which dan whined at. Phil quickly decided this needed to move on and poured a generous amount of lube onto his fingers before taking his pointer finger and moving it in circles around the boys hole. Dan whimpered trying to push back onto the finger and Phil laughed making sure there was enough lube that it wouldn't hurt as much then pushed his finger in quickly. Dan moaned loudly and leaned up sucking hickeys into Phils chest pushing back into the thrusts of Phils finger. "Daddy please" he whined "please daddy I need you!" He whimpered impatiently. Phil looked at dan and smirked quickly pushing in two more fingers loving the way the boys face twisted into pain but his mouth held open spilling moans that proved he loved this. "You've been so bad, being so rude to your daddy, your lucky I'm here to help you, I'd usually never help such a slut." Phil growled out biting at dans neck leaving angry purple splotches. Dan was so close already and this hasn't even gotten to the best part yet. "Daddy please need to cum daddy please make me cum with your fingers then take me with your cock daddy please" dan sobbed out as Phil began stroking him. Phil chuckled "kinky little shit" he said stroking dan faster "cum you little slut." He said thrusting into the boys hole harshly with his fingers. Dan sobbed as he came spilling all over their stomachs and began to whimper at the pain of Phil stroking him and thrusting into his abused hole. "Daddy oh please! Please don't stop!" He sobbed. He wasn't really sure if he was pushing back to get away from the pain or to get to the pleasure faster as his hips moved on his own. Deciding it was time and dan was hard enough he rolled them over lining his cock with the boys red hole. "Ready baby?" He asked sucking more hickeys into the boys neck. Phil whimpered letting out breathy moans as he nodded quickly and that's all it took for Phil to smirk and drop dan into his dick. Dan continued to sob and moan slowly starting to move up and down making sweater paws and biting at his knuckles through the jumper to shield his sobs. Everything was so much. It was too much but not even close to enough and dan swore up and down this was going to kill him. Dan let out a series of small "daddy's" and whimpers of "ah ah ah" and Phil couldn't get enough of it as he flipped them over again pounding into dan roughly feeling himself get closer to the edge. "Daddy!" Dan screamed as he came again and Phil followed not far behind as he moaned loudly slamming into dan one last time before stilling and pulling out. Phil then got up and went to walk away when he heard a small sob and a tiny voice saying "your leaving?" At which Phils heart exploded with pure fondness of this boy. He never hated dan, he loved him, he just knew he would never go for someone like him so he teased him. Turning around his heart broke at the sight of dan looking up at him with tear tracks down his cheeks his eyelashes wet and his lips formed in a pout. He looked so vulnerable he would swear this wasn't the same boy who called him daddy no less than two minutes ago. "No baby I'm gonna go get some towels, run a bath, and get you some water. Want anything else love?" He asked kissing the boys forehead. Dan thought for a minute before nodding shyly "I um, is this, what, what are we?" He asked blushing. Phil melted and smiled "we're us love." And went to grab this stuff leaving dan to blush. Okay maybe he wasn't so bad. Still an asshole though, he laughed to himself. And that's how he spent the rest of his night, being cuddled and pampered while they watched anime. And Of course he had questions and he didn't fully forgive Phil yet but he knew he would eventually. Because Phil was HIS alphabet boy. "My alphabet boy" he mumbled kissing Phils jaw. To which Phil smiled. ----------------------------------- The End

[how-does-one-college]

EVERY TIME I'VE RANTED ABOUT THE PHANDOM COMPILED INTO ONE BIG THING THAT HOPEFULLY MAKES SENSE BECAUSE HOLY SHIT WE ARE FUCKED UP AND I HAVE A LOT TO SAY!

Okay, I have a lot to say, but first I have to apologize for any typos regarding the lack of the letter “o” My O key is kinda broken on this keyboard, so it doesn’t always type the first time you press it. I’m also hoping I don’t run out of space or anything like that cuz this will probably be long. Also, this will mostly be directed towards recent event, and mostly about how the Phandom treats Dan because, as far as I know, there isn’t much drama with Phil and the Phandom. (If there is any let me know)

Anyways, I’m going to start with a simple fact. We are disgusting and disrespectful. Like, his latest video (Internet Support Group 9) got so much hate because it wasn’t a coming out video. HE NEVER SAID IT WAS GOING TO BE A COING OUT VIDEO! OR THAT IT WAS GOING TO BE “SUPER SUPER IMPORTANT!” HE LITERALLY MENTIONED IT ONCE IN A LIVE SHOW, AND EVERYONE IS MAKING IT A MUCH BIGGER DEAL THAN IT IS! That’s the thing about the Phandom, we take tiny, random, insignificant things and make them so much more. Also, I’d like to point out that he said it was important to him, and that it “shouldn’t have to be a big deal.” I repeat IMPORTANT TO HIM! This does NOT mean any of the following: -a coming out video -a video everyone will absolutly love -what everyone wants -something you personally with find important -a coming out video -some deep dark secret -a coming out video -what everyone expects -a coming out video -a coming out video -a coming out video

Hey, did I mention that this does NOT MEAN A COMING OUT VIDEO?!?!!!!!!! Just because it is something important to him does not mean everyone will love it or it will be important to everyone. We pressure him to make certain videos, and when he does something he enjoys instead of what we wanted, we attack him for it! Like, he didn’t have to make any video at all! But he did make one! Because it’s his job and it’s something he likes to do and he wanted to give us a video. SO BE FUCKING THANKFUL YOU EVEN GOT ONE BECAUSE HE COULD HAVE JUST AS EASILY NOT UPLOADED ONE! Like, I’m fucking sorry it wasn’t what you in particular wanted but too fucking bad! Not everyone will like everything, it’s impossible to please everyone because we are all different people with different tastes in videos who like different things. But we were all brought together for one reason; we love Dan Howell. We’re subscribed to him because we like his videos and his personality and his sense of humor. But now we’re turning against him, bombarding him with hate and forcing him to come out. I was looking at the replies on his tweet about ISG9, and I literally saw one that went like this

Person one: a month without uploading he… Person two: comes back with…just another isg Person three: that no one even asked him for Person four: he enjoys making us suffer

Like what the actual fuck! Especially the “that no one even asked him for” part. Like, I’m sorry but since when did he have to do everything you told him?!!?!!!!?! STOP TYING TO MAKE HIM DO THINGS HE DOESN’T WANT TO DO! That brings me to another topic. Coming out. Like, how the fuck do we know he has anything to even come out as?! Has anyone, literally anyone, stopped for a second and thought MAYBE HE ISN’T “COMING OUT” BECAUSE HE ACTUALLY ISN’T GAY!!!!???!?!!??!!! WE ALL WANT HIM TO BE SO THAT HE CAN DATE PHIL AND PHAN CAN BE REAL BUT HAS ANYONE THOUGHT THAT MAYBE THEY ARE ACTUALLY JUST STRAIGHT BEST FRIENDS LIKE THEY KEEP SAYING!!??! I have no idea if he is actually gay or bi or pan or anything, but if he is, then we’re forcing him to do something he doesn’t want to do. I am part of the LGBTQ community, and the GSA at my school, and I know that you should never, NEVER force someone to come out to people they don’t want to come out to. Also, if he isn’t gay or bi or pan or whatever, we are pressuring him to come out as something that he isn’t. We are begging and praying that he tells us he’s gay or whatever, when he isn’t. We are forcing him to be a sexuality that he isn’t just to fit our needs. Honestly, that is just as bad as being homophobic. Hating that someone is straight is just as bad as hating that someone is gay!

Okay, now that I’ve said that. I have to rant for a bit about the Top Dan Memes of 2016 video (This will probably be shorter) So, we all know how the meme video went, and we all know the controversy it sparked. I, for one, did in fact take part in the comment-wars that were happening, mainly for one, simple reason. Not even ten minutes after dan uploaded the video, I got a notification on my phone for a recommended video. This video was titled “We made Dan cry” I honestly don’t know how they made that video so fast, it was about the meme video. But anyways, I watched the short video, and realized that whoever made it seemed to think it was an accomplishment that we made Dan cry, and they were proud of it… Who in their right minds takes making their idols cry as an accomplishment?!?!! I was looking through the comments and most of them were things like “lol he cried” or “omg we succeeded in making dan cry😂” Like, why is that something to proud of!?!! Jesuse fucking christ people seem to forget that Dan and Phil are real people with real feelings!! THERE IS A REASON THAT ON ARCHIVE OF OUR OWN THERE IS CATEGORY FOR “CELEBRITIES AND REAL PEOPLE”!!!!!!!!! CELEBRITIES AND REAL PEOPLE! Because Dan and Phil are REAL PEOPLE with REAL FEELINGS who get UPSET and HAVE SECRETS THAT THEY DON’T WANT TO SHARE!

Okay, holy fuck. I’m gonna stop now, because it’s literally like one in the morning and I have school tomorrow and I’m tired. But in conclusion, we are disrespectful, heartless, compassionless, disgusting motherfuckers who treat our idols as emotionless robots meant for the sole purpose of doing what exactly what we want. We need to chill the fuck out. ANYONE WHO TRIES TO PRESSURE DAN OR PHIL TO COME OUT HAS LOST THE RIGHT TO CALL THEMSELVES A FAN!

[septic84]

Your Soul know it belonged to me 2.0

A03

Chapter 3: Why are we like this?

Dan grabbed his phone, put on his jacket, and left; he didn't want to talk to Phil right now. The chill and the smell in the air meant that it was going to rain, but he kept walking. What the hell was that? Phil had never shown that side of himself before. Was it the wine, had Phil been more drunk than he realized? How was he going to face him again? The lines had already been blurred so much over the years that this added another layer to be processed.  This layer was more evident than the others, not as implied, more concrete. Then again, it wasn't as if Dan had flat out said he had feelings for his best friend; however, he had undoubtedly given enough away.

 Even with the awkwardness that surrounded all of their encounters that night, the latest events topped the cake. The tension after the Cindy fiasco was pretty tangible, but Dan had a feeling this would be much worse. Sighing, Dan continued to walk, the rain had started to pick up, and though he hardly noticed, he was now wet.

This was going to change everything, whether he wanted it to or not. His thoughts kept going back to the way Phil's eyes sparkled, looking at him with fear and bravery at the same time. Dan couldn't help but smile. Phil had been so assertive, dominant even. Dan shivered slightly, wrapping his arms around himself as he walked. Never seeing that side of Phil, he was impressed and very intrigued by this new aspect of their lives. This new side to Phil inspired Dan to wonder what could have happened if he had not run.  Memories flooded in, causing Dan's face to flush. It had done something to Dan that he couldn't even admit to himself yet. They could blame it on the wine, timing, or whatever other scapegoats they could think of, but it would never erase the memory of the looks they had exchanged. At least for Dan, it was forever burned into his memory. When Dan thought about it, it was all so stupid. He knew he was the reason they had ended up at this point now, years into their friendship. In the beginning, his insecurities had prevented him from allowing it to happen organically, so in typical Dan and Phil fashion, of course, it had happened unusually. Suddenly guilt washed over Dan. If Phil did have feelings for him, the years of pining must have been torture.  Dan could relate to that. They had gotten closer when they were on tour; their dreams had come true, both of them in awe of what they had accomplished. Being on the tour bus together in such close quarters reminded Dan of how special their relationship was. He knew married couples would end up at each other's throats without a break, but not Dan and Phil; If anything, it made them miss each other's presence more when they were not together.  Dan loved Phil; he always had, and now more than ever, he wondered if Phil felt the same. He still didn't know if he was reading too much into this; Dan couldn't be sure that it wasn't just his wishful thinking. He was scared even to consider that there was a reality where they could be together.  Dan continued to walk the dark rainy streets of London, with no regard for his own safety. It was well after 2 am when Dan finally returned to find Phil on the sofa, in a restless sleeping state. Dan rolled his eyes fondly, grabbing a nearby duvet to cover him up. As he got closer, in the glow of the TV, Dan could see that Phil's eyes were puffy, and his nose was red. It was evident that they were from crying. Looking down at him, he sighed and leaned in, kissing the top of his head. "It's okay, Phil. I am so sorry. I forgive you," he murmured into his hair. He gazed at him for a few moments, wishing that they had just gone out to dinner like planned initially and possibly avoiding this whole mess. He turned and walked into the darkness of his room, still confused and somewhat guilty that he had made Phil cry. He sat on the edge of his bed, not bothering to turn on any lights. When they both woke up, it was going to be awkward and uncomfortable, but Dan was used to that. The more he thought about it, the deeper into the spiraling pit he fell. How would they recover from this? What was going to happen later? Dan laid back on the bed and looked up into the darkness of the ceiling; his thoughts spun around in his head, contorting into aimless drifting. Phil was suddenly aware of the duvet around him; Dan must have come home. He sighed, getting up, and walked to his bedroom. He wanted nothing more than to wake Dan up and beg for forgiveness. Phil was so mad at himself; He knew that Dan had some pretty firm boundaries, and he had disrespected and broken through them all. Phil laid down; he couldn't figure out what had led to the extreme things he had done. It wasn't typical, and even Phil couldn't explain what had come over him.  When Dan was gone, Phil over-analyzed what had happened and came up with at least ten different scenarios that could have gone better. It wasn't like Phil was unaccustomed to being strange. He knew by this time Dan knew to expect Phil's awkwardness, but still, Phil worried. This wasn't the usual "Phil put his foot in his mouth." circumstance. He didn't know what would happen between them; would Dan want to leave?  Phil had never imagined a life where they were not together. Phil wasn't sure he knew how to be an adult without Dan. He knew that he was an adult before meeting Dan, but that felt like a lifetime ago. Tears once again slid down his face as he started to fall asleep. Phil woke up feeling his bed move; he knew Dan was next to him. He couldn't see him, but he had gotten to know his presence well. It was still dark, and there was an uncomfortable silence as Phil tried to transition from being asleep to being alert. Finally, Dan said. "Hi." "Um, hi," Phil responded, reaching for his glasses, turning on the bedside lamp. He blinked a few times, looking at Dan. He looked defeated, "are you alright? How long have you been here?" "Awhile." Dan's voice was strange; it sounded off. He still had his jacket on, and Phil could tell that it was soaked all the way through. His hair was partially curly, partially matted to his head. Phil took a deep breath. "So, you're here," "I am," "Is something wrong?" Dan laughed. "Oh, you mean besides whatever the hell earlier was?" Phil blushed. "I was kind of hoping that was a dream." "Or maybe a nightmare." Dan offered; Phil frowned. "I am worried about you. I don't like that you, I mean, where did you go?" "Just walked around," "That was extremely dangerous at night," Dan shrugged and looked at his hands. "I know," "What now?" Dan shrugged again, "how are we going to fix this?" "I don't know if we can, Phil," Dan shifted. Phil's stomach dropped, "listen, earlier, what I did to you," Phil stammered. "I'm so ashamed of myself. I'm so sorry." Dan sighed, shook his head, and smiled sadly. "Phil, we are like that all the time. I am fine. You just got a little more handsy than usual." Dan winked at him ironically. "Yeah, but it still doesn't mean it was okay." "Do you remember, years ago, when I was so excited to come to your new flat? How excited were we to just be? We were so young, so excited about YouTube, about the radio show about life." Dan closed his eyes as a memory seemingly took him out of Phil's room momentarily. "I remember feeling like I finally was able to be myself," Phil said. Dan smiled, coming back to the present. "Yeah, same. I wouldn't trade that for the world. Do you ever watch our old videos, Phil?" "Sometimes, yeah," "I could see it, even back then. Phil Lester, you are truly an astonishing human being." "Dan, why does this sound like a goodbye speech?" Dan inhaled sharply, "I can't do this anymore, Phil," his voice raised a few octaves, and even as he said it, he was still trying to convince himself. "Do what?" "Pretend, act like I am fine." "But you just said you were?" Phil was confused and starting to panic. "No, Phil, calm down, not from earlier. That was, well, that was fucking weird, ngl, but it's fine." He paused and sighed, "I mean, like, pretending that generally, I am fine, and this is just business as usual as if we are just best friends. We both know that's not true. I don't know if it ever was. And It's not fine when I think about it and allowed myself to feel, and it's never fine. Existential crisis? I am on the verge of the most colossal I've ever had. What is the point, Phil?" he hugged himself, sighing, "What is the fucking point?" Phil shifted towards him, grabbing one of his hands. "I am not sure I know exactly what you mean," Phil said, but that wasn't entirely true. "Phil, you are not stupid." Dan started to shake as if he were going to cry, but he didn't. "This, us... I don't know if I can live with you anymore." As the words tumbled out, the pain in his voice was apparent. Dan slowly withdrew his hand from Phil's. "What?" Phil swallowed hard, shifting towards him, his eyes wide and filling with tears. It was his worst fear, playing out right in front of him. Dan's voice was weak and betrayed him, "Phil, don't. This is hard enough," "Slow down. Dan, please, I am sorry. I am so sorry." "This isn't your fault, Phil," He said "Dan, I don't know what I was doing, and I'm sorry." "You need to calm down, Phil. I don't know what you were doing either, but this isn't about earlier, I've already said that." "Dan," Phil said, his voice strained. "I don't understand." "I know, that's my fault." "So explain it to me. Make me understand." "Phil, I am dying inside. Every day hurts just a little more. I keep trying to convince myself that I am okay, that the way we are is okay. But it's not." "You feel like you are dying?" A tear slid down his cheek. Dan said things like this often, but the way he had said it at that moment was entirely different. "Why?" "Oh God, Phil, please don't cry." Dan's eyes filled further, but the tears didn't fall to his face. "Dan, please don't do this," Phil choked as Dan cut him off. "The problem is I can see it; I have for years. I think you have too, but I don't know that it matters. Things are so confusing right now, so blurred. There is so much to lose. So much to fuck up, destroy even. So many people. Our lives, our whole God damned lives, Phil." He sighed, "It's the only fucking option, yeah? If one of us goes." Dan looked away, "and since this is my problem, it has to be me, Phil," Dan turned away. "It's okay," "No," Phil whispered. "No. Nothing about any of this is okay, that's what you keep saying anyway." He said louder, "If this is because I got too handsy or too close to you, I will stay away from you until you are comfortable with me. I promise it won't happen again. If this is because of Cindy, or last night or whatever else, I'll fix it. Please, none of that matters, Dan. We matter, Dan and Phil, right? You matter. We matter together," his words came out quickly. "You shouldn't have to leave if anything, this is my fault." "Phil, relax. Take a breath. I think what we want just differs. Or maybe it doesn't, but we are not on the same page. Listen, I have already forgiven you for what happened after the live show. I know you wouldn't hurt me intentionally. I never thought that for a second. As far as Cindy goes, you know I can't control my jealousy. Especially when she gets," Dan stopped and straightened up. "Dan, please," Phil whispered, "don't leave," he inhaled sharply, "don't leave me." He took a deep breath in, then out. "I don't want to lose you. You're too important." "I just, I don't know anymore. I am always lying. I'm sick of pretending. I am tired." He sighed, "I can't go on like this, Phil, I just can't." "Please, don't. We have been through so much," Dan smiled sadly as he started to get up off of the bed. "It will be okay. We can make it work living apart. I am not leaving you; we will still be friends." Phil shook his head. Dan was about to say something else when Phil quickly sat upon his knees; he grabbed Dan's arm roughly and pulled him back down to the bed.  He moved, making his way closer until Dan's face was inches from his own. Dan had a look of shock on his face. "Ah." He said as he licked his lips nervously. "You are an idiot," Phil said, sniffling as the tears stopped. "Excuse me?" Dan had an offended laugh in his tone. "You heard me," Phil said. "I know I said I wouldn't do this to you again." He pulled Dan slightly closer, the husky tone returning to his voice, "I'm sorry, I guess I lied." He took a deep breath. "If you thought I was going to let you do, whatever the hell you were about to do, you were wrong. This is not how this is working, Daniel Howell." "Phil," "No, shut up and listen to me," the shock returned to Dan's face as he shifted slightly to relieve some of the tension. Phil continued, "when we started to Skype, I knew that there was something there when we met in Manchester when we filmed the first, "Phil is not on fire," I knew. I am so sorry, Dan. I am so deeply sorry that you have had to feel like this for this long. So conflicted, so confused. I would fix it if I were able. You had to do that for you, I waited. There is a point, Dan, there are many points, actually. We, both of us, are lying; I know we are. Hell, the internet knows we are. It just was more comfortable, safer, but now," he tightened his grip on Dan a little. Phil took another deep breath looking directly into Dan's eyes; he placed his hand on his cheek, caressing it softly. He could hear Dan swallow and see the anticipation in Dan's eyes; Phil could hardly breathe as he waited for Dan's permission to proceed. It came in the form of a small, almost unnoticeable nod from Dan as his eyes darted back and forth. Phil smiled slightly as he gently pushed his lips to Dan's, closing his eyes. Phil's head spun, and his hands shook, but he smiled into the kiss. A contented and almost relieved sigh came from the back of Dan's throat, and suddenly he leaned into it and was kissing back. Phil could feel warm tears bouncing off of his nose from Dan's eyes. "Dan, this is not one-sided. It has never been. I was waiting for you, earlier in the kitchen, the waiting got the best of me. Or maybe the wine, or the fact that I missed you so damned much," emotion was raw in his voice, "And for the record, I'd always rather be kissing you," Phil said quieter, "I will always wait for you; I have been waiting all these years. It's only been you, idiot.  Lately, I was starting to worry that I was going to wait forever. I didn't think you were ready for me to kiss you, and if you were, I wasn't sure you wanted me too." "Really?" Dan squeaked. "Yes, really," Phil wiped the tears away from his eyes, "I can't tell you how many times I wanted to hold you so that you knew you weren't alone during your "Existential crisis" times. Or just hold you in a hug when I knew you were sad. I feel like I have had thousands of game overs waiting for you." "You have?" "Yes.  I was terrified, especially after the "I'm not gay" comments. I am not assuming or labeling anything, but after that, I wasn't sure I was ever going to be able, to be honest with you." "That Dan was an asshole." Phil shook his head, "No, that Dan was unsure, traumatized and scared." Dan sighed and wiped his eyes. "Are we really this dumb?" Phil removed Dan's wet coat, and threw it onto the floor, brought his hand up to Dan's face, brushed the hair out of his eyes, and pulled him into a hug. Dan stifled a sob and curled into Phil's neck, allowing himself to relax. His heart was still racing, but somehow, he felt like everything was going to be okay. "I don't think we were dumb, Dan. I think we were incredibly young," Phil pulled out of the hug and scowled, "you are very wet." Dan smirked. "Shall I shake like a dog then?" "No! No. You should go to change. You can't be comfortable." "Hadn't really noticed, tbh," "Get changed and come back," Dan only nodded as he left the room. Phil inhaled and exhaled slowly, he had finally kissed Dan, and better yet, Dan had kissed him back. Phil changed out of his wet shirt and waited for Dan to return; when he did, he looked as if he had aged ten years. Dan stood awkwardly at the side of Phil's bed. "You look exhausted, Dan," Dan grunted in response, his hair was curly. It was adorable. "And you have massive hobbit hair going on." "Well, you know, rain," Dan said, stifling a yawn. "It's okay if you want to go to bed; clearly, you are tired. You need to go to sleep." Dan shook his head, trying not to yawn again, causing Phil to chuckle. "Yes, you do." "M'fine, Phil." Dan sunk and sat on Phil's bed again. Why did this feel so strange? He had sat on this bed hundreds of times. Hell, he had even slept in it a time or two. Still, here he was, shy and nervous. "You need to sleep." "Look who's talking," Dan said, glancing at Phil out of the corner of his eye. "Well, yeah. Someone woke me up with some pretty ridiculous ideas," Dan smirked. "I know things are," Phil motioned between them, "tense. I really want to ask you to sleep in here with me tonight." Dan's eyes widened slightly as he looked up at Phil, "Yeah?" "Unless that makes it too weird for you," Phil said as he patted the bed next to him and laid down. Dan shook his head and got into bed. Phil pulled him close to his chest; a contented sigh came from Dan as Phil pulled the duvet over them. "Is this okay?" Phil asked. "Mm," Phil took off his glasses, turned off the light, and adjusted himself comfortably. He was in disbelief that this was actually happening, and at the same time, It was as if his whole body was on fire with satisfaction. "I was so scared you were gone for good when you left, that I would never see you again." Phil whispered, he continued, "But we will figure this out Dan, I promise." "I hope we do, Phil," Dan focused on Phil's arms around him and how safe he felt until he started to think and panic. This meant he was gay, right?  His stomach knotted. That word, he hated that word. Would he have to tell people? Was he sure he was gay?  No, he wasn't gay, right? He was Bi, yeah, he was just Bi. Phil's arms tightened around him. "Dan, stop overthinking things. Go to sleep." Shortly after, both were sleeping more peacefully than either had in a long time. When Phil woke up, Dan was gone. Panicking slightly, he got out of bed and went to Dan's room; he wasn't there, not in the bathroom either. "Oh, please," he pleaded with the universe as he walked out to the lounge. Sighing relieved, Phil saw Dan was propped up, resting his head on his hands, staring at his screen. He looked at Phil and frowned. "Are you okay?" He set his laptop down Phil swallowed and closed his eyes. "Yeah, I am now." Phil slowly unclenched his fists as he walked closer to Dan. Dan got up, slightly laughing. "You were afraid I had left, weren't you?" Phil scoffed, and before he could control himself, he said, "Well, you ran out on me last night, didn't you? Wandering around the streets of London in the rain was better than talking to me, I guess." Dan was shocked by his harshness, but moved closer to Phil, pulling him into an embrace. Phil sighed but relaxed. "Phil, I had to leave, we needed time to figure things out; I needed to do that alone," he felt Phil's anger melt away into sadness. "I'm sorry, Phil. I didn't mean," Dan trailed off, still, Phil was surprised by the sincerity of the apology. He expected a smartass or snarky comment in return. Dan pulled back to look into Phil's eyes. "Phil, I'm not going to leave, I may need some space, but I will always come back to you. I always have." "Just, last night you were so ready to leave," Phil said, taking a deep breath. "I was, but I wasn't thinking rationally. I was getting ready for rejection; even though I was rejecting myself, it would seem. I also was trying to make an easy out for you, maybe even for me, but it looks like that blew up in my face." Phil didn't respond with words; he looked into Dan's eyes, trying to convey the feelings that he did not want to speak. It seemed to have worked; everything paused; the unspoken anticipation occupied the space between them. Dan moved first, his lips gently meeting Phil's as his hand reached for his cheek. It was slow at first, now, lips were crashing together with desperation, and their bodies were moving towards the sofa. Phil pushed Dan gently into the cushions, then moved on top of him. Phil ran his hands up and down Dan's sides, causing a moan to escape. Phil wasn't sure whose it was, but he could feel his hardness starting to press against Dan's. Instinctively, Phil's hips thrust, Dan tensed beneath him. Dan pulled away, "You okay?" Phil whispered. "Phil, I," Phil could tell he was nervous, shy, and timid; he hadn't seen this side of Dan in several years, at least not before last night. Dan was unsure of himself and his surroundings; he looked like he wanted to hide. With the mental state Dan was in, Phil, now uncertain of himself, frowned, "Would you like me to stop?" Had he gone too far? They had talked, worked some things out, but this didn't feel right. "No," Dan looked up at him, anxiety and excitement in his eyes. "But I think we should." Phil nodded, kissed his forehead, and got up. Dan was surprised by the sudden disappointment that he felt when the loss of contact occurred. He looked at Phil apologetically, embarrassed that he had to stop them.  They had known each other for years; this part needed to be slower; it was too important to rush through hastily. Phil smiled and patted his leg. "I could make breakfast?" He offered. "I'll do that; you made dinner last night." Phil nodded, sinking into the sofa more, sighing. Soon Dan reappeared, handing him a cup of coffee and a bowl of shreddies. "S'not much, but it's very us," "It's perfect," Phil smiled, taking his mug. A few days had passed, they hadn't really acknowledged the "thing" that was going on between them. Their lives fell back into the typical patterns, things once again getting back to their version of normal. It wasn't as if they were purposefully avoiding the "thing," but they were not really talking about it either. It was okay. This was okay. Phil knew that he still had to be careful with Dan, gentle, and patient. As much as he had grown, he was still very self-conscientious and shy in many aspects of his life. Phil was recording a video when he heard a loud bang, and several things clatter to the ground; he then heard Dan screaming. "Fucking twat. Jesus Christ." Phil jumped up and darted towards the noise to investigate and make sure he didn't need to call an ambulance. There, sat on the floor amongst several pots and pans, was Dan. He looked defeated. "Are you alright?" Phil asked, chuckling. Looking at the mess surrounding him, Dan turned to look at Phil. There was already a large lump forming on his forehead near his brow, right below it was a cut, and a thin line of blood slowly was making its way down towards Dan's eyes. "Hold on." He grabbed the kitchen roll and knelt in between pans, gently blotting the blood away. "What were you doing?" Phil said softly. "Obviously, I was cooking," Dan said sarcastically and reached up to touch his head, only recoiling and hissing as he did. "Pan shifted, I jumped, hit my head." Then he motioned to the things around him. Phil chuckled slightly. "Usually, I am the one that's on the floor," he started to gather the pans to put them away. Clearing a path in front of him, Phil motioned for Dan to shift so he could pick the rest of the lids up. Dan watched him, embarrassed. "I can do that, Phil," he said dryly. "Just sit, you hit your head, and it's already starting to bruise. I should take you to A and E." "No. No, I am fine." Dan shifted and used the counter to help him get up. His head spun slightly, but he wasn't going to tell Phil that. Phil noticed. "Maybe you should sit down." "I said I was fine." Dan snapped, causing Phil to jump slightly. "Fuck," he muttered, stumbled, and sat down. Phil made an ice pack, turned a chair, so it was facing Dan and scooted closer. Phil looked closely at his face; the lump was large, and the bruise seemed incredibly angry. Softly he placed the ice pack on the bump. They looked at each other, sitting in the peaceful calm. After a while, Phil said. "How do you feel?" "I'm okay, Phil, embarrassed, but okay." "I think you're going to have a black eye," "I think I could make a video on this," Phil laughed. Dan grabbed Phil's hand that held the ice pack to his head and guided it to the table. He leaned in and slowly kissed him. Phil closed his eyes as he brought his other hand to cradle Dan's cheek. When the kiss broke, Phil leaned his forehead on the uninjured side of Dan's. Softly Dan said, "Thanks for," Dan trailed off, starting to blush. "We are quite a pair, aren't we?" Dan scoffed. "What were you making? Let me help you." Dan pulled back and shook his head slightly. "It's fine, Phil, I'll just eat crisps or something." "For dinner?" Phil shook his head, "No. What do you want, Dan?" "I'm not even hungry anymore, honestly. Just sore." Phil nodded. "Why don't you go into the lounge, I'll make us some hot chocolate, and we can go from there?" Dan nodded and made his way to the lounge while Phil started to make them their drinks. When he brought the mugs to the lounge, he found Dan staring into space. "Dan?" Phil questioned. "Hmm? Oh, sorry. Got lost in thought," Dan seemed sad. "What's wrong?" "My head hurts." That wasn't a lie, but it wasn't what was the most prevalent thing on his mind. In the last 5 minutes, it had occurred to Dan how close he was to telling Phil he loved him. He was internally obsessing about it. He didn't want to say too much too soon, and he knew it would be to cliché after an injury.  This wasn't a romance novel. "I've brought you tablets," Phil handed him a bottle of water that he had tucked under his arm. Dan sighed, looking at the pills. Phil then gave him two biscuits. "I know you hate taking them, but you need them," Phil smirked and sat next to him. "Thanks, Phil. Even though I don't like it, I appreciate you taking care of me." Phil decided not to push it, "Movie, yeah?" "Okay." Dan agreed. Phil was half watching the movie and Dan at the same time; Dan was keeping something from him. Phil had to remind himself that he had to be patient with Dan; it was going to take him time to get used to their "Thing." As Phil sat next to him, he could feel Dan's leg touching his slightly. It was confusing transitioning into whatever they were from "friends." Dan was watching Phil out of the corner of his eyes as if waiting for an invitation; Phil shifted closer to Dan, pulling him into his chest. At first, Dan sat stiffly, but soon he relaxed and snuggled into him. "That's better." Phil murmured into Dan's hair; Dan sighed contently. The movie was over, and Dan was breathing evenly, a tell-tale sign he was asleep. Phil nudged him. "Hey, you shouldn't sleep." "Mm, what?" Dan groaned. "You could have a concussion." "Phil, I don't have a concussion, I just banged my head." When he pulled away from Phil, making eye contact, Phil winced. Dan smirked. "Look's that bad, does it?" "You have a black eye," Phil said. Dan shrugged and stood up stretching. "Are you hungry?" "Yeah. What do you want?" "I got it," Dan left the room before Phil could protest. Phil sighed and looked at his hands, he felt an overwhelming urge to rush into the kitchen and stop Dan, but he knew it would do no good. Dan hated feeling vulnerable or weak, and though Phil knew it was due to fear, it really didn't matter. If he tried to help or take over, all it would do is piss Dan off, and even if Phil had the best of intentions, there was no way Dan would see that.  Part of how Phil showed his affection was through helping or caregiving, but Dan had yet to recognize it. Phil wasn't trying to discredit him; Dan had come far. Still, he was insecure, and he covered it with jokes, sarcasm, or just altogether ignoring the issues. Phil leaned back and closed his eyes; he hoped that someday they could overcome these hurdles. When Dan walked into the lounge, two plates in hand, he saw Phil had dozed off. He set the plates down and turned to Phil, even when he was sleeping, worry still creased his brow. "Phil," He said softly, with no response. "Phil?" Dan said a little louder; he again didn't move. Dan walked over to him and gently rubbed his cheek. "Hey Phil, wake up." Phil's eyes fluttered open, a moment of confusion passing through them. Dan smirked; he couldn't help but think that this could be a scene straight out of a romance movie. "Dinner is ready; I am going to get drinks, Ribena?" "Yeah," "This looks good, thanks." "You're welcome." Dan started an episode of a series they had been watching and began to eat. "Thanks again for helping me earlier." He said, a blush on his cheeks, never making eye contact. "Of course. How's the head?" "No headache, but the skin is sore," Phil frowned. "Have a look in a mirror, yeah? You may not want to make that video." Dan laughed. "Well, this would be concrete evidence as to why I am a fail, Phil," Phil smiled and shook his head. "True enough." Dan stood up, "I am going to go work on this video." "What? Now?" "Yeah? Why not?" "Head injury knocked some motivation into you, did it?" Dan flipped him off, "Okay, okay, just look in the mirror first." Phil decided it would be an excellent time to work on a video of his own; it wasn't going to be as entertaining as Dan's, but they rarely were, in his opinion. Hours into the editing of his video, Phil noticed it was almost 3 in the morning. Suddenly he was exhausted; he thought about Dan and his potential concussion. As he approached Dan's room, the door was open, lights on, and Dan was editing, tapping as he did. "Still at it?" He asked, leaning on the door frame. "Yeah, you too? You look tired, Phil," "It's three in the morning." "Didn't know it was so late," Dan switched off his monitor. "Yeah, me either. I am off to bed. How's your head? Do you need anything?" "Nah, I'm fine, Phil. You were right, though. It looks pretty bad." Phil smiled sympathetically, "I told you! Alright, well, get some rest. I'll see you in the morning. Later in the morning, I guess." He turned to go when Dan caught his hand as he stood up, stopping him.  Phil smiled and pulled him into a hug, then leaned in and kissed him softly. "Good night, Dan." "Night," After changing and brushing his teeth, Dan laid down on the wrong side of his face, groaning. He hoisted himself over to the other side. Taking a deep breath, he let himself re-live Phil kissing him goodnight. It was disgustingly romantic; Dan smiled and subconsciously touched his lips as he fell asleep.  Maybe his life was a fairytale, after all. Dan slowly was waking up, realizing how cold he was. He shivered, his teeth chattered, and joints ached. What the hell? Dan threw on a hoodie and poked his head in Phil's room. He wasn't there, but the cold sure was. He finally found Phil in the lounge in front of the fireplace, wrapped up in an oversized hoodie like it was a blanket. "Hey, got colder than we thought it would, I have just turned on the heating." He could see Dan's teeth chattering, "come here." Dan walked over and sat down, Phil held up one of his arms, and Dan snuggled into Phil's chest. "What time is it?" Dan murmured. "A little after 7." "Bloody hell." Dan groaned. "We can just sit here until the flat warms up, then we can go back to bed," "Yeah, okay," Dan said, cuddling into Phil further, careful not to bump his eye or head, which both were starting to throb.  As he warmed up, his eyes became more cumbersome to keep open, and he fell asleep. Phil looked down at his sleeping form fondly; He looked so young, sleeping like this, like back in 2009. Phil slowly shifted Dan onto the floor, got pillows and his duvet, and went back to the lounge. Moving a safe distance from the fireplace, he urged Dan onto a pillow, then into his chest, careful not to hurt him. Cuddling Dan a little tighter, he fell asleep.