how-does-one-college - Tumblr blog

how-does-one-college · 5 years ago

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- I don't remember anything from elementary school - Yeah you were too busy drinking lead. Everyone else was learning how to not spread rumors.

- I have had vegan casserole for the fourth time this week!

- We forgot death. Death is illegal now.

- I mean if it's animal crossing, then sign me the fuck up

- Do you think turkey boi would be mad if I skipped class? - Yeah I think he like, hunts you down. Especially if you're a problem student who skips too much - No, that's only when you're a freshman

- Just take your depression medication and take a nap, Hamlet, like god...

- I'm supposed to be going vegan for Sustainability, but it's Thanksgiving so no thank you!

- It's bigger than a seal. It's not a dick, I'll just get that out there - Shrek?

- I'm in pain from my ears to my toes

- Wearing button downs does not make you god!

- He wronged me and now we are mortal enemies

- My nickname was Little Trashcan in middle school

- Damn who hurt you? - So many people. Do you want an alphabetical list?

- You have to be forced to eat sandwich crust before you can opt out of it

- I'm getting my wisdom teeth out right before thanksgiving. Which sucks, but at least the pain killers will make my relatives more tolerable

- Then start a bakesale! To fight the devil!

- We have like, 8 hours of troll baby!

- Oh my God are you a Toyota Venta?

- If you get a tie I'll pay your ticket. That's a lie, I'll pay half your ticket.

- Her face just looks so..... - Punchable? - Yeah. Punchable.

- Guys be reasonable. We aren't making waffles in this classroom!

- Sean you work at Shaws. You can bring us waffle mix!

- I was Black Friday shopping, and I said I was hungry and a chick-fil-a just appeared

- You're crying with your make up on? That's so dangerous - Yeah well how else am I going to take a picture? I need the dramatic effect

- He's like a toko god

- Can I drink this? - Yeah but sky it or you will definitely get mono

- I gotta think who would make the most attractive baby for me?

- He wasn't even speaking English he was just speaking in sounds!

- It's weird, I have like, two months off for Christmas break - What will you be doing? - Crying

- I always speak Russian in Spanish class when I don't know the Spanish words

- So apparently there's like, some serial killer in Boston. He's been like, dumping bodies in the Charles River. - Oh yeah, I saw one of the bodies once. With my row team, there was like a body under one of the docks. And a few dead animals. - And you didn't feel the need to share this??!? - I didn't think it was that important

- What if you were given five dollars for ever five pounds you lost? - Oh my God I would start cutting off my limbs

- I'm going to train him like Pavlov's dog! Every time he does something that he knows will upset me I pummel him! - He's gonna start flinching whenever he sees you! I think you're just giving him ptsd - Yeah well now he's stopped pissing me off!

- It's been good - Has it? - It's been something

- Did he just ask you out on a rock climbing date? What the fuck just happened?

- Stop with your mating call, Gavin

- You always find ways to amaze me everyday - *does crab impression* - That was not one of them

- Have a very holiday! I mean merry- happy- I give up

- Why am I Simon's sister? I don't know who he is!

- Anti-bias is a lie!....I don't even know what anti-bias is....

- Guys i just realized if your leave ice in your mouth until it melts it tastes like water!

- Anna has to Google references for nouns. Now that scrotum is off the table, she needs that fifth one.

- I wish Elton John was my dad

- I just want someone to be proud of me for once! - I think that's a you problem

- You can't take back to back Kermit? Weak!

- Your sweater game is godly

- I keep doing a British accent and can't help it

- The only exposure I have to Tik Tok is in second period Ladi always whispers to me her favourite Tik Tok of the week and then reenacts them

- This lady tried to take my caffeine pills from me at junior prom and I was like fuck you I need these to function

- Sorry let me just leave the homework in the trash

- I have to go do my PE homework. I need to check off whether I know God

- I should put a mural on a toilet. Mark it as my throne.

- I'm going to weaponize tea. Chemical warfare

- I got called quirky in sophomore year and it made me wanna die

- Griffin stopped drinking water for a month because he wanted to see how much he could get the veins on his arms to stand out

- Colin I love you but right now I wish you were dead

- When I get my stomach tattooed I might get my bellybutton removed

- Teacher: I have a lot of stickers. I give myself stickers sometimes just to feel good.

- Does Jimmie Neutron count as a superhero - Does Martha Speaks work as a superhero?

- Willa saw me right as I was falling off the Empire State Building. So it was awkward because she didn't understand the situation

- Lentils taste like cardboard, but they're circular, so they taste good

- Homie this is not the hunger games, and you are not Katniss

- Yesterday I accidentally keyed my own car

- I look like I'm drunk when I drive cause I swerve out of lanes and like never signal... But I'm not drunk, I'm just a bad driver

- I have not done a single homework assignment in that class for months

- I will eat your eczema!

- *chanted during a gaga ball game* Portugal for the win! Portugal for the win!

- *pairing up for a project in class* My name is Juan, I don't know yours so this will be like a one night stand

Four Years Worth of Quotes That Sum Up High School

- I’m going to throw all my ideas away

- Back at square -8

- You’re gonna wake up and you’re gonna get a pressed ham on your window

- You’re punching my sandwich? That’s so cruel!

-No pants! That’s my logic

- I’m string bean actually

- All my friends are gay, I got this

- Those people in Pompeii? Fucking pussies

- Don’t try to tell me how fish work! Are you a fish? Have you put your penis in a fish? I have! So I know how it works!

- Or you could just stab it.

- I need candy so bad!

- Stop throwing things at people! Yesterday it was beans! Today it’s… it’s grapes

- Did I just hear you summon the octopus?

- You can never run out of cake! If you do, you will die! You’re veins are made of cake!

- Oh shoot! - Shoe?? *takes off shoe can holds it up* did you say shoe?

- Can plants be gay?

- I’m gonna go out on a limb here, but I’m not going to name my child Titty

- My headphones’ connected to my pants. My pants are connected to my pelvis!

-This is like a chemistry experiment! Trying lotion and talking about grandmas

- It wasn’t dangerous! I knew exactly what I was going to cut off!

- You just broke my twix and stole my hat! And you’re calling me the bad guy?

- I don’t know what politics is

- Do you have the 24 hour clock thing?

- Max is our resident thug

- In-class essays are the sprints of high school

- I think screaming is universal

- So is the yeti spinning in circles?

- There’s an Ethiopian caterpillar called slick daddy?

- *chasing after someone* um, excuse me! Marlow! I want a carrot!

- I don’t have a blood pressure, clearly I’m dying

- I’m the coupon dealer *throws pile of CVS coupons onto the table*

- Look at your tiny little feet! Do a dance!

- I did it all but I did it all wrong

- Last is first in my mind

- Meet up at my house Saturday, we’re gonna have a snowball fight.

- *repeatedly hits sprained arm against chair* Do you think I’ll need to skip practice?

- It’s pregnant - A pregnant lemon? - Yeah!

- Nipples are a trend

- A dynasty of thugs

- My plant is cuter than your candies

- You once brought a travel mug of espresso! - I didn’t know! I didn’t know… - Please don’t tell me you drank it all - … - Megan!

- Cone earth!

- George Washington is illuminati. Like, Beyonce? She’s part of the illuminati; she’s part of George Washington.

- Are we in China? Are we in China? Are we in China? Are we in China? - I mean basically. Everything around us was made in China - Not this! I made it at home - You can mold plastic at your house? - Well yeah, I have a gun!

- Do you want me to tell you about my mushroom?!?

- This dice is sexually attractive.

- Are you the fountain? - No, I am not - Are you sure? - If I was a fountain, I would tell you

- Obama is the captain

- I was like, where should this go? So I jumped out a window of course

- What does fish sex smell like? - Like really fishy but also really sexy

- Shoot! I should have said aardvark!

- Can I hold your hair?

- Andressa we’ve talked about this! You can’t keep petting people at the grocery store!

- *says something in Portuguese* *throws clementine at person*

- No I’m dead! This is fun!

- But that’s like a European country

- It’s Switzerland, it’s about the same as Russia isn’t it? - No, no it’s not

- Student 1: You’re stupid! - Student 2: *slaps Student 1* - Student 1: You’re still stupid - Teacher: *laughs*

- I’ll give you food if you can count to ten in Basque

- I’m gonna put my octopus on you!

- Emily, sell by dates are lies!

- Anyone want a peeled lemon?

- So to go fast, I gotta be naked!

- Why don’t you wax your mustache!

- You’re sort of passively on fire

- I have an infinite crocodile

- I’m good at math normally, I swear

- Can you go say hi to a pyramid, in Egypt? Technically you can, it just won’t say hi back. So like, you can technically divide by zero, it just won’t work - That is very different! - No! It’s like the same thing - That has nothing to do with dividing by zero!

- Now, flowers will die. But chicken wings, at least you can eat them

- All nonbinaries love telekinesis

- My super power would be super speed because- - You just want to be the flash!

- Chaotic neutral? More like chaotic gay

- So aside from killing your relatives, there’s something else I wanted to say

- They’re all my children, but also all my equals, but also infants!

- You wanna go to the beach?!? Let’s go to the beach!! - We’re just going to the elevator - No let’s go to the beach!

- I lay claim to the turtle! I own the turtle under your land!

- If I touch you will you die?

- I really want to drink my seltzer but I’m scared to open it

- Are you on crack? - Only

- Is he vaping? In temple? - We should check if it’s kosher

- It’s an old Somalian custom to stick Poland Spring labels in coffee. I learned it from the pirates.

- But why would you go to a soccer game in a suit? - Professionals, dude

- You like, basically killed batman

- What if I kidnapped their entire boat?

- I am literally decaying. Lucas, my arm is not on my body

- I’m a reverse vegan

- I am now Hitler! You cannot defeat me, for I am covered in a thick layer of slime. You cannot take my title of Hitler! - I’m pretty sure Hitler was not covered in a thick layer of mucus. At any time

- I paralyzed a shark

- There is no record here of anything sandwich related

- Your lips are like the ocean!

- Everybody needs a French man!

- It will be the Pinocchio of daggers

- Pinocchio you would be a great politician

- You know what? Fuck you, and fuck Italy.

- You’re a bathroom

- *really slowly* Baka Baka is the sound a chicken makes. Baka baka baka

- If it’s stupid and it works, it’s not stupid

- Oh shit, I just opened Safari instead of Chrome - Well, I can’t help you now

- Everyone in this room has gotten a wedgie at least once

- Yeah well you got in trouble - I did not get in trouble. I got talked to by a teacher

- Taylor! You did better than me? You’re fake!

- It’s all from a pizza of my heart

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how-does-one-college · 5 years ago

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- I finished Game of Thrones, and now I don't know what to do with my life. I have nothing to do. I actually did my homework last night, it was so embarrassing.

- I was planning on showing up for class and just causing a huge distraction

- You know it's bad if I do it

- Oh my god this is what a stroke feels like

- No I know, I just can't put words together

- It's like all my organs are mutiny-ing and just not doing their job

- I'm just out dating everyone, here. I'm a dirty little slut

- We had a quick breakdown in the girl's locker room and now we're back!

- All magic tricks are cheating if you look at it like that

- Ignoring the incest aspect, I would fuck a genderbent clone of myself

- Leave me alone, I'm a monster fucker -That's an oxymoron! You can't just say that!

- My stuff got stuck in the vending machine, can you help? - How would I help...? - Help me hit it - Help you... hit the vending machine...?

- Because I signed it. I signed the declaration of independence

- I have a god in my ass

- You know what an anti-christian movie is? Happy Feet!

- If I was trapped in a room with you and Hitler and I had a gun with two bullets, I'd shoot myself twice.

- Teacher: So really, June doesn't exist

- How has it taken you so long to drink that tiny soda? - I take small sips. Like a cat.

- Nothing brings down your confidence like a pair of ill-fitting overalls

- What nationality is that? - Sneezing

- I'm a thot I'm not horny! There's a difference!

- Fuck you I don't have a small penis like you do! - It's a motif, Gerald!

- I've been eating the same sandwich for the last seven year

- Where's a bible? I need to throw it at you

- If someone gave me a thumbs down, I'd probably kill myself

- You've been chick-fil-a'd one last time

- I'm kind of upset that you didn't invite me to your cook out. I really don't think I want to be friends anymore.

- Did you just kiss his phone?

- Don't test me I have man thighs!

- I don't know if that was a scream of fear or ejaculation but either way I'm terrified

- I am not a furry nor a monster fucker! - Yes you are! You play monster romance online roleplay simulators!

- I swear if she even looks at me in the hallway I'm going to punch her in the throat

- Senior: I think I Just became a teenager

- There weren't any towels in the bathroom, I'm just going to dry my hands on your shirt

- Pretty soon we're all going to be lactose intolerant

- I swear to god I'm not on crack! I swear to god I'm not on crack!

- Ohio is just like trees and heroin. It's the worst state ever!

- Not to be dramatic but I'm actually dying

- *Some dude straight up forgets to wear pants and is just walking around in boxers*

- I have prayed to god to sneeze before

- My new thing is I walk really slowly down the staircase and take up the whole space just to slow people down

- I just want everyone to not have ears! For art purposes!

- Just... drawing Christ in sacrilegious ways feels so good. I want to be excommunicated! Like Madonna!

- I think the mosquitoes love me more than you - What? No! They love me so much more! - Good.

- I'm going to take my car and drive it off a cliff

- Why are you so obsessed with porn? - I'm sorry I'm just horny all the.... no, nope. - No it's because you're ginger

- Jesus was the first Abba

- God can't be the five men from the well that you fucked

- I lost my shoe... It's on the ceiling somewhere or something....

- C'mon guys, whole squad waddle! Squaddle!

- I usually go to wizard practice on Thursday

- Whoever made Photomath is amazing. I'll take my hat off to them

- I'm gonna go talk to Turkey man, okay? - Alright just don't tell him all my secrets

- Have you ever had your nose blown into?

- I love public school like so much - Don’t lie

- What is it? That food kink thing? Vore? Is it vore?

- Its public school! One girl dyed her hair now everyone else is following the leader the leader the leader. We're following the leader...

- I cut my hair ‘cause I was bored - So you were bored this weekend? - No, I was bored this morning

- He's on a hoverboard, with a bike helmet. Leather jacket, no shirt. Just boxers, no pants. Barefoot.

- Do you think I would crack my head on the pavement if I jumped from here? (Math class on third floor)

- You look so cute today! - Thanks! These are men's boxers! I'm in my pajamas!

- I thought there was a spider on my arm so I went to slap it, but I forgot I was holding my pencil and I stabbed myself and now there's pencil lead in my arm

- Every single reaction I have involves crying. Happy? Crying. Sad? Crying. Angry? Crying. It's who I am. I act like I'm hot and tough but I just cry all the time

- What do you have? Other than STDs, I mean - English. Then math

- I don't think there are really any Jewish horror stories - I dunno I feel like the Holocaust is kinda a horror story...

- Your brother is basically a cokehead at the point - No he's not - Not yet. Growth mindset.

- You don't understand. If you were the new worker at a fast food restaurant, and you weren't getting paid, it's like being drafted. In world war one.

- One of our Engineering Three projects is how to eat cheetos without getting orange all over your hand

- Teacher: water bottles just freak me out when they're not my own

- I was so fucking depressed and sad today that I actually went for a run. I could only feel the pain in my legs, not the pain in my heart. I run away from my problems.

- I still haven't gotten up enough courage to dive off the diving boards! It's scary!

- I don't have to understand how guitars work! Cause frankly, I don't!

- Teacher: I mean I love freshman but sometimes I'm like, I need you to not be freshman right now.

- I would not fuck a centaur, too much animal. Like a mermaid would be fine. - Where would you fuck a mermaid?! They don't have any holes down there!

- I finished my goldfish and now I'm sad

- I've been listening to Rhianna all day and now I forget how to act

- I've had eight shots of espresso today. Literally my heart could stop at any second.

- Fiddler on the roof? More like Fiddler on the oof - Fiddler on the an’ I oop

- Give me a break, I haven't written anything in a month

- I am not worth $200 - Of course you are dude! Look at you!

- Teacher: I don't use the schoology grade book because I think it's evil

- I'm information-intolerant. It's like lactose intolerant but I can't learn

- So in conclusion, I don't know US geography and I'm going to go jump off a wall

- If my dog was a person, with her personality, she'd hate me

- My personal culture doesn't vibe with eating dogs

- I'm a vegetarian at heart but I love meat

- Teacher to computer: Are you seriously frozen? Cause I'll just die, then...

- You were just looking at him so loudly I couldn't focus

- I told Charlotte that she flipped my mom off in the parking lot. She called me cheeky. It's been a great day.

- *distressed cry* I'm in hell. *throws black mood ring on the table* I thought I was having a good day but apparently not! - (30 seconds later) *rolls up collar of turtle neck shirt* I'm so cozy now! *puts mood ring back on*

- Oh are you the only one allowed to be sad here? Have you made a monopoly over being sad?

- Colin's a self diagnosed eboy - You know I saw an eboy in real life the other day! Like a real one!

- I'm gonna go jump off the roof - Cheers to that, mate

- So have you ever.... been.... concussed before? - No, why? - I think.... I'm... concussed

- I haven't gotten an A on an English assignment since eighth grade

- I think all you can eat buffets are a dangerous game

- I can't remember a time when I didn't say homie

- Midday naps really are a dangerous game. And my alarm doesn't work on my phone any more, so I'm really rolling the dice with this one

- Teacher: I was about to do math by hand but then I realized there's no way I could do that

- And if you're sick for a week, who cares! You got to eat a cheese steak!

- What is a positive shape? - Rhombus - No that's negative. Circles have mad positive vibes.

- I'm sensing a lot of hostility coming from you - Probably because I'm being hostile

- Is this conversation kosher?

- Time isn't real, it all blends together

- What do you guys talk about in Phil-lit? - Absolutely nothing. And everything. All of the nothings.

- You were being annoying in class earlier so now I have to clap back

- There are no wrong answers, but you just gave one. Your answer was the embodiment of the Command Z meme

- I always have a Michael Jockson glove in my back pocket. You know, for emergencies.

Four Years Worth of Quotes That Sum Up High School

- I’m going to throw all my ideas away

- Back at square -8

- You’re gonna wake up and you’re gonna get a pressed ham on your window

- You’re punching my sandwich? That’s so cruel!

-No pants! That’s my logic

- I’m string bean actually

- All my friends are gay, I got this

- Those people in Pompeii? Fucking pussies

- Don’t try to tell me how fish work! Are you a fish? Have you put your penis in a fish? I have! So I know how it works!

- Or you could just stab it.

- I need candy so bad!

- Stop throwing things at people! Yesterday it was beans! Today it’s… it’s grapes

- Did I just hear you summon the octopus?

- You can never run out of cake! If you do, you will die! You’re veins are made of cake!

- Oh shoot! - Shoe?? *takes off shoe can holds it up* did you say shoe?

- Can plants be gay?

- I’m gonna go out on a limb here, but I’m not going to name my child Titty

- My headphones’ connected to my pants. My pants are connected to my pelvis!

-This is like a chemistry experiment! Trying lotion and talking about grandmas

- It wasn’t dangerous! I knew exactly what I was going to cut off!

- You just broke my twix and stole my hat! And you’re calling me the bad guy?

- I don’t know what politics is

- Do you have the 24 hour clock thing?

- Max is our resident thug

- In-class essays are the sprints of high school

- I think screaming is universal

- So is the yeti spinning in circles?

- There’s an Ethiopian caterpillar called slick daddy?

- *chasing after someone* um, excuse me! Marlow! I want a carrot!

- I don’t have a blood pressure, clearly I’m dying

- I’m the coupon dealer *throws pile of CVS coupons onto the table*

- Look at your tiny little feet! Do a dance!

- I did it all but I did it all wrong

- Last is first in my mind

- Meet up at my house Saturday, we’re gonna have a snowball fight.

- *repeatedly hits sprained arm against chair* Do you think I’ll need to skip practice?

- It’s pregnant - A pregnant lemon? - Yeah!

- Nipples are a trend

- A dynasty of thugs

- My plant is cuter than your candies

- You once brought a travel mug of espresso! - I didn’t know! I didn’t know… - Please don’t tell me you drank it all - … - Megan!

- Cone earth!

- George Washington is illuminati. Like, Beyonce? She’s part of the illuminati; she’s part of George Washington.

- Do you want me to tell you about my mushroom?!?

- This dice is sexually attractive.

- Are you the fountain? - No, I am not - Are you sure? - If I was a fountain, I would tell you

- Obama is the captain

- I was like, where should this go? So I jumped out a window of course

- What does fish sex smell like? - Like really fishy but also really sexy

- Shoot! I should have said aardvark!

- Can I hold your hair?

- Andressa we’ve talked about this! You can’t keep petting people at the grocery store!

- *says something in Portuguese* *throws clementine at person*

- No I’m dead! This is fun!

- But that’s like a European country

- It’s Switzerland, it’s about the same as Russia isn’t it? - No, no it’s not

- Student 1: You’re stupid! - Student 2: *slaps Student 1* - Student 1: You’re still stupid - Teacher: *laughs*

- I’ll give you food if you can count to ten in Basque

- I’m gonna put my octopus on you!

- Emily, sell by dates are lies!

- Anyone want a peeled lemon?

- So to go fast, I gotta be naked!

- Why don’t you wax your mustache!

- You’re sort of passively on fire

- I have an infinite crocodile

- I’m good at math normally, I swear

- Now, flowers will die. But chicken wings, at least you can eat them

- All nonbinaries love telekinesis

- My super power would be super speed because- - You just want to be the flash!

- Chaotic neutral? More like chaotic gay

- So aside from killing your relatives, there’s something else I wanted to say

- They’re all my children, but also all my equals, but also infants!

- You wanna go to the beach?!? Let’s go to the beach!! - We’re just going to the elevator - No let’s go to the beach!

- I lay claim to the turtle! I own the turtle under your land!

- If I touch you will you die?

- I really want to drink my seltzer but I’m scared to open it

- Are you on crack? - Only

- Is he vaping? In temple? - We should check if it’s kosher

- It’s an old Somalian custom to stick Poland Spring labels in coffee. I learned it from the pirates.

- But why would you go to a soccer game in a suit? - Professionals, dude

- You like, basically killed batman

- What if I kidnapped their entire boat?

- I am literally decaying. Lucas, my arm is not on my body

- I’m a reverse vegan

- I paralyzed a shark

- There is no record here of anything sandwich related

- Your lips are like the ocean!

- Everybody needs a French man!

- It will be the Pinocchio of daggers

- Pinocchio you would be a great politician

- You know what? Fuck you, and fuck Italy.

- You’re a bathroom

- *really slowly* Baka Baka is the sound a chicken makes. Baka baka baka

- If it’s stupid and it works, it’s not stupid

- Oh shit, I just opened Safari instead of Chrome - Well, I can’t help you now

- Everyone in this room has gotten a wedgie at least once

- Yeah well you got in trouble - I did not get in trouble. I got talked to by a teacher

- Taylor! You did better than me? You’re fake!

- It’s all from a pizza of my heart

4 notes · View notes

how-does-one-college · 5 years ago

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- There was no throwing of hands

- The second the sun goes down I'm eating lasagna

- Okay I'm thinking telephone is not a verb

- I therefore put forth the theory that they are being controlled by brains on legs

- I diagnose you with death

- If you get chicken you have to spend 400 dollars

- I didn't know Jason could use big words like “vernacular”

- Do you want to take a nap in the socks?

- Do not put anything else in my ear I swear to god

- How is chess a contact sport?

- Not to sound like a 40 year old, but where is my fucking coffee

- Every skin on my body is new

- It tastes better when the pasta in shaped liked bunnies

- I loooooovveee Kahoot!

- I'm gonna write God shit on the board

- Oh damn, I can't remember anybody's name

- I want to have gladiator battles between nuns and all of my family and friends

- Imagine you're walking down the aisle in CVS, and there's all the brand's of hand sanitizer, then there's the CVS brand of hand sanitizer, that's what Mr. Roberts is

- Today's the biggest nope

- You know what? Murder! Just murder! Let's write a book about that huh?

- *whispered very very quietly* I don't know what I'm doing

- Art Student: now that I'm done painting I can mix all the colors together!

- I'm going to the dentist today for the first time in four years

- Dying is such a struggle

- I ate my burrito stealthily in the library

- How do you square root a nun?

- If I can make it to the end of the year then I can burn it

- I don't own white clothes

- Your teeth are getting scraped off

- I think my toe fell off - Your toe did not fall off - No I think it fell off I think my toe fell off!

- No one wants to fight a guy without pants

- *gestures to self* This? This is depression

- How do you know what bullshit is? You wear coca cola lip balm!

- This day makes me want to fall down the stairwell and just... stay there - I already did that

- I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure there's no North Virginia

- Pesto is just like, a passion between us

- *gestured to Italian exchange student* this is my Italian

- I got yeast on me I hope I don't die

- He's an adult, he recycles

- I got a cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory - Sophie you're lactose intolerant - I pop those lactate pills like nobody's business

- We're reading the constitution in history right now, I am the apex of democracy

- So, I trained you. But I'm still Batman - You owe me - I'm Batman I still get all the credit - But you owe me a hankie

- I hate tomatoes. They're watery devils

- Ready for the quiz? - You mean practice quiz - Practice quiz? - Yeah, practice for the retake

- I'm Picasso. Everyone knows I'm Picasso

- I'm pretty and I don't fight

- I keep forgetting your name is Ryan so I keep calling you Horsey

- How can I be a soft art boy if I can't art?

- I don't respect collages

- Yeah it's not rocket science, you're just bad at fall activities

- Ground spice. Like when Lucy ate her salad out of the middle of the road

- I used to teach a water aerobics class to old women at the Gap

- I packed a really healthy lunch today, I'm kinda like a health god

- We're getting new seats?! I just got used to my new table! I will riot!

- I don't want everyone to be equal, I just want to be rewarded for trying my best

- I just wanna get to college and start a Tinder

- I am either the mother or the baby, there is no in between

- Millenials are killing the capitalism industry, nihilism is in

- He does science and biology, but also philosophy and literature. He is so well rounded! Get yourself a Walter Green!

- Why can't I just appreciate New England fall from a far, but not have to deal with the weather myself?

- You can't turn CVS off!

- I think too many teeth freaks me out more than not enough teeth

- Who stares intently at lollipops? - Psychopaths do

- Sometimes when you speak I would rather peel my own skin off

- Maybe I'm living vicariously through myself as a seventh grader

- I don't believe there's a God, but I do think there's a special hell reserved for people who put pineapple on pizza

- I have the memory of a goldfish, Gabby

- Your mom is every suburban mom compiled into one

- I mean not that I'm not about sock monkeys, but what?

- There are two genders: spice, and non-suffering

- I don't care if my food tastes like pain, I care that it tastes like food

- Does this essay really need a conclusion paragraph?

- First let’s figure out how this relates to communism

- Land Ho vs Sea Thot

- To yeet or not to yeet

- You are like a god

- All I have is literally ham and drugs

- I am in England in my soul

- I'm a handwriting hoe

- I really commit to the end of the school day

- Are you kidding me? I'm so good at high fives

- Andy Bean is attractive in a Wonderbread kind of way, you know?

- I'm having... a lot of problems right now. So I have to... stand up and cry.

- *middle of math* I'm gonna go make hot chocolate

- Trader Joe's is bourgeoisie

- I either hate eating or I love it... That's what happens to me in the summer. I don't have a set schedule. Either I eat all day or I just forget to eat for three and a half days straight.

- He's 148 and he's peeing in a corner

- I have the willpower of a cracker

- I have an Uno reverse card on me. Don't even tempt me. I have power beyond your comprehension

- You call it English. I've never heard a Lang student call it anything but Lang

- Oh, I could push someone into the fire alarm...

- I'm so excited for Christmas, you don't even know! And I'm Jewish!

- I think spongebob is not as intense as the Handmaid's tale

- I think my linguistics is declining. By the end of term two I will be fully illiterate

- God effing dammit Bobby, I don't want to hear any of your swears

- I am immortal because I’m wearing a black shirt

- Its great because we are all my dad

- Aren't you the 15 year old that tried to marry someone? - Yes, I am. But it's okay because I've saved a lot of lives - Give me an example of when you've saved a lot of lives - I am a fish...?

- I genuinely want to be a hermit

- He looks like a baby Gap model!

- The difference between me and a furry is I would fuck fictional humanoid animals

- These are my basic human lefts!

- Do you understand the size of a whale?

- *cries over the death of the mars rover*

- I didn't know animals had emotions!

- *After an assembly* I slept through it. I had a nightmare too - Oh shit dude you ok? - Yeah - Like, mentally? - No - Alright

- I look like a founding father today

- Don't worry, there are plenty of dicks in the world to suck

- Shrek really changed our friend group

- Mexican fuck boi

- Teacher: I have to go across town to my toe

- I want to go back in time and insult past you

- I prepare for dick slaps only

Four Years Worth of Quotes That Sum Up High School

- I’m going to throw all my ideas away

- Back at square -8

- You’re gonna wake up and you’re gonna get a pressed ham on your window

- You’re punching my sandwich? That’s so cruel!

-No pants! That’s my logic

- I’m string bean actually

- All my friends are gay, I got this

- Those people in Pompeii? Fucking pussies

- Don’t try to tell me how fish work! Are you a fish? Have you put your penis in a fish? I have! So I know how it works!

- Or you could just stab it.

- I need candy so bad!

- Stop throwing things at people! Yesterday it was beans! Today it’s… it’s grapes

- Did I just hear you summon the octopus?

- You can never run out of cake! If you do, you will die! You’re veins are made of cake!

- Oh shoot! - Shoe?? *takes off shoe can holds it up* did you say shoe?

- Can plants be gay?

- I’m gonna go out on a limb here, but I’m not going to name my child Titty

- My headphones’ connected to my pants. My pants are connected to my pelvis!

-This is like a chemistry experiment! Trying lotion and talking about grandmas

- It wasn’t dangerous! I knew exactly what I was going to cut off!

- You just broke my twix and stole my hat! And you’re calling me the bad guy?

- I don’t know what politics is

- Do you have the 24 hour clock thing?

- Max is our resident thug

- In-class essays are the sprints of high school

- I think screaming is universal

- So is the yeti spinning in circles?

- There’s an Ethiopian caterpillar called slick daddy?

- *chasing after someone* um, excuse me! Marlow! I want a carrot!

- I don’t have a blood pressure, clearly I’m dying

- I’m the coupon dealer *throws pile of CVS coupons onto the table*

- Look at your tiny little feet! Do a dance!

- I did it all but I did it all wrong

- Last is first in my mind

- Meet up at my house Saturday, we’re gonna have a snowball fight.

- *repeatedly hits sprained arm against chair* Do you think I’ll need to skip practice?

- It’s pregnant - A pregnant lemon? - Yeah!

- Nipples are a trend

- A dynasty of thugs

- My plant is cuter than your candies

- You once brought a travel mug of espresso! - I didn’t know! I didn’t know… - Please don’t tell me you drank it all - … - Megan!

- Cone earth!

- George Washington is illuminati. Like, Beyonce? She’s part of the illuminati; she’s part of George Washington.

- Do you want me to tell you about my mushroom?!?

- This dice is sexually attractive.

- Are you the fountain? - No, I am not - Are you sure? - If I was a fountain, I would tell you

- Obama is the captain

- I was like, where should this go? So I jumped out a window of course

- What does fish sex smell like? - Like really fishy but also really sexy

- Shoot! I should have said aardvark!

- Can I hold your hair?

- Andressa we’ve talked about this! You can’t keep petting people at the grocery store!

- *says something in Portuguese* *throws clementine at person*

- No I’m dead! This is fun!

- But that’s like a European country

- It’s Switzerland, it’s about the same as Russia isn’t it? - No, no it’s not

- Student 1: You’re stupid! - Student 2: *slaps Student 1* - Student 1: You’re still stupid - Teacher: *laughs*

- I’ll give you food if you can count to ten in Basque

- I’m gonna put my octopus on you!

- Emily, sell by dates are lies!

- Anyone want a peeled lemon?

- So to go fast, I gotta be naked!

- Why don’t you wax your mustache!

- You’re sort of passively on fire

- I have an infinite crocodile

- I’m good at math normally, I swear

- Now, flowers will die. But chicken wings, at least you can eat them

- All nonbinaries love telekinesis

- My super power would be super speed because- - You just want to be the flash!

- Chaotic neutral? More like chaotic gay

- So aside from killing your relatives, there’s something else I wanted to say

- They’re all my children, but also all my equals, but also infants!

- You wanna go to the beach?!? Let’s go to the beach!! - We’re just going to the elevator - No let’s go to the beach!

- I lay claim to the turtle! I own the turtle under your land!

- If I touch you will you die?

- I really want to drink my seltzer but I’m scared to open it

- Are you on crack? - Only

- Is he vaping? In temple? - We should check if it’s kosher

- It’s an old Somalian custom to stick Poland Spring labels in coffee. I learned it from the pirates.

- But why would you go to a soccer game in a suit? - Professionals, dude

- You like, basically killed batman

- What if I kidnapped their entire boat?

- I am literally decaying. Lucas, my arm is not on my body

- I’m a reverse vegan

- I paralyzed a shark

- There is no record here of anything sandwich related

- Your lips are like the ocean!

- Everybody needs a French man!

- It will be the Pinocchio of daggers

- Pinocchio you would be a great politician

- You know what? Fuck you, and fuck Italy.

- You’re a bathroom

- *really slowly* Baka Baka is the sound a chicken makes. Baka baka baka

- If it’s stupid and it works, it’s not stupid

- Oh shit, I just opened Safari instead of Chrome - Well, I can’t help you now

- Everyone in this room has gotten a wedgie at least once

- Yeah well you got in trouble - I did not get in trouble. I got talked to by a teacher

- Taylor! You did better than me? You’re fake!

- It’s all from a pizza of my heart

4 notes · View notes

how-does-one-college · 5 years ago

Text

Four Years Worth of Quotes That Sum Up High School

- I'm going to throw all my ideas away

- Back at square -8

- You're gonna wake up and you're gonna get a pressed ham on your window

- You're punching my sandwich? That's so cruel!

-No pants! That's my logic

- I'm string bean actually

- All my friends are gay, I got this

- Those people in Pompeii? Fucking pussies

- Don’t try to tell me how fish work! Are you a fish? Have you put your penis in a fish? I have! So I know how it works!

- Or you could just stab it.

- I need candy so bad!

- Stop throwing things at people! Yesterday it was beans! Today it's... it's grapes

- Did I just hear you summon the octopus?

- You can never run out of cake! If you do, you will die! You're veins are made of cake!

- Oh shoot! - Shoe?? *takes off shoe can holds it up* did you say shoe?

- Can plants be gay?

- I'm gonna go out on a limb here, but I'm not going to name my child Titty

- My headphones' connected to my pants. My pants are connected to my pelvis!

-This is like a chemistry experiment! Trying lotion and talking about grandmas

- It wasn't dangerous! I knew exactly what I was going to cut off!

- You just broke my twix and stole my hat! And you're calling me the bad guy?

- I don't know what politics is

- Do you have the 24 hour clock thing?

- Max is our resident thug

- In-class essays are the sprints of high school

- I think screaming is universal

- So is the yeti spinning in circles?

- There's an Ethiopian caterpillar called slick daddy?

- *chasing after someone* um, excuse me! Marlow! I want a carrot!

- I don't have a blood pressure, clearly I'm dying

- I'm the coupon dealer *throws pile of CVS coupons onto the table*

- Look at your tiny little feet! Do a dance!

- I did it all but I did it all wrong

- Last is first in my mind

- Meet up at my house Saturday, we're gonna have a snowball fight.

- *repeatedly hits sprained arm against chair* Do you think I'll need to skip practice?

- It's pregnant - A pregnant lemon? - Yeah!

- Nipples are a trend

- A dynasty of thugs

- My plant is cuter than your candies

- You once brought a travel mug of espresso! - I didn't know! I didn't know... - Please don't tell me you drank it all - ... - Megan!

- Cone earth!

- George Washington is illuminati. Like, Beyonce? She's part of the illuminati; she's part of George Washington.

- Do you want me to tell you about my mushroom?!?

- This dice is sexually attractive.

- Are you the fountain? - No, I am not - Are you sure? - If I was a fountain, I would tell you

- Obama is the captain

- I was like, where should this go? So I jumped out a window of course

- What does fish sex smell like? - Like really fishy but also really sexy

- Shoot! I should have said aardvark!

- Can I hold your hair?

- Andressa we've talked about this! You can't keep petting people at the grocery store!

- *says something in Portuguese* *throws clementine at person*

- No I'm dead! This is fun!

- But that's like a European country

- It’s Switzerland, it's about the same as Russia isn't it? - No, no it's not

- Student 1: You're stupid! - Student 2: *slaps Student 1* - Student 1: You're still stupid - Teacher: *laughs*

- I'll give you food if you can count to ten in Basque

- I'm gonna put my octopus on you!

- Emily, sell by dates are lies!

- Anyone want a peeled lemon?

- So to go fast, I gotta be naked!

- Why don't you wax your mustache!

- You're sort of passively on fire

- I have an infinite crocodile

- I'm good at math normally, I swear

- Can you go say hi to a pyramid, in Egypt? Technically you can, it just won't say hi back. So like, you can technically divide by zero, it just won't work - That is very different! - No! It's like the same thing - That has nothing to do with dividing by zero!

- Now, flowers will die. But chicken wings, at least you can eat them

- All nonbinaries love telekinesis

- My super power would be super speed because- - You just want to be the flash!

- Chaotic neutral? More like chaotic gay

- So aside from killing your relatives, there's something else I wanted to say

- They're all my children, but also all my equals, but also infants!

- You wanna go to the beach?!? Let's go to the beach!! - We're just going to the elevator - No let's go to the beach!

- I lay claim to the turtle! I own the turtle under your land!

- If I touch you will you die?

- I really want to drink my seltzer but I'm scared to open it

- Are you on crack? - Only

- Is he vaping? In temple? - We should check if it's kosher

- It's an old Somalian custom to stick Poland Spring labels in coffee. I learned it from the pirates.

- But why would you go to a soccer game in a suit? - Professionals, dude

- You like, basically killed batman

- What if I kidnapped their entire boat?

- I am literally decaying. Lucas, my arm is not on my body

- I'm a reverse vegan

- I am now Hitler! You cannot defeat me, for I am covered in a thick layer of slime. You cannot take my title of Hitler! - I'm pretty sure Hitler was not covered in a thick layer of mucus. At any time

- I paralyzed a shark

- There is no record here of anything sandwich related

- Your lips are like the ocean!

- Everybody needs a French man!

- It will be the Pinocchio of daggers

- Pinocchio you would be a great politician

- You know what? Fuck you, and fuck Italy.

- You're a bathroom

- *really slowly* Baka Baka is the sound a chicken makes. Baka baka baka

- If it's stupid and it works, it's not stupid

- Oh shit, I just opened Safari instead of Chrome - Well, I can't help you now

- Everyone in this room has gotten a wedgie at least once