#sorry i just had to vent its been a while since ive let myself even think on this stuff and i gotta get ti out of my system

[seeminglydark]

1. would caro and john be into the tv show, the x-files? would they buy tapes of the episodes and talk about their own conspiracies and guess about the outcomes of the episodes.

2. also your comic has help peak my interest for the supernatural and conspiracy theories. what are some stories or theories that you’ve learned about that you have found the most interesting? and were you a believer before starting your comics or has your interest grown as you’ve continued with your comics.

3.lastly, i’m trying to buy more secondhand items and become the diy punk that i’ve aspired to be since high school (too afraid since i was a closeted trans man and living with an unaccepting family), any tips?

i, like john, try to stay away from modern tech as much as i can. i’m able to stay off my phone for the most part and rarely use my computer but i’ve been looking around and audiobooks on cassette are kinda expensive around me so i like to narrate book as i read them in paperback. i was wondering if canonically john uses resources such as the library and what his favorite books and movies are. i love horror and am just now getting into sci-fi and i love watching movies on my vcr + tv combo and i sometimes use a blu-ray player for more rare or expensive (at least in vhs format) movies.

sorry for the long winded paragraph, i’m unfortunately unable to escape my strict household (despite being an adult) until i find a job and am able to save every cent. i also tend to isolate myself so i have no friends to help me out. sorry to vent to you about this but i just wanted to end this by saying your comic and characters inspire me and give me hope that i’ll be okay once i’m free.

YES. John is obsessed with x-files. every once in a while you can see he has the iconic 'i want to believe' poster in his younger years on his walls. He still has it as an adult. both caro and john like watching those together, they also enjoy the twilight zone, charmed, Buffy (they they agree the corny movie from '92 is the best) and those old Bruce Campbell shows noones heard of, re: Brisco County Jr. I think as kids they theorize, and as adults they talk about everything everyone gets wrong, now that they know how these things really work. John can always guess WhoDunnit.

Ive always been interested in the idea of the supernatural. im a big skeptic though, ill be honest there, even though ive had many 'experiences' myself. i kinda like the idea of the unbelievable. definitely making the comics has peaked my interest in things i wasn't too keenly aware of before, like cryptids. im fascinated by the concept of Missing 411, and missing people who reappear somewhere else, but Liminal Spaces hold my heart specifically. ive always been keenly aware of the off feeling in those places before i even knew what that meant. i love scouring the internet for images of things like abandoned hotels that give me a weird kind of uneasy, most of the things people tag as Liminal aren't really that, so its a scavenger hunt to find something that fits my idea of it. coming up with the lore of my stories has been an adventure. my interest has definitely grown, more in places and phenomenon than in ghosts specifically.

there are so mnay things you can do to diy punk stuff, in my opinion thats the best and most rewarding way. it sounds to me that you need to start small and slow for your safety, so let me reassure you right here anon, that punk is a set of ideals, and not just fashion. youre still punk no matter what youre wearing. a jacket or vest is always a good place to start, you can literally buy ANYTHING at the thift store that strikes your fancy. this is a canvas you will be adding too for as long as its yours. once you have your canvas, its time to create, and there is literally no wrong way to do this. you can use paint markers, embroidery, bleach, ect. dont have money for spikes and studs? you can use soda can tabs and bend them, metal lighter caps, hell even staples and safety pins always look cool. you can make your own badges by bending metal soda or beer caps around a soda tab with a safety pin through it and then paint whatever you want on the cap. dental floss is what you usually see when punks have the white stitching on their pants and jackets, its durable and doesn't break, since crust and gutter punks need tough clothes that last. if you're worried about your family, i would personalize it first in small secret ways that are just for you, such as a message beneath your collar as seen here on my friends jacket. and here, and here! he hides patches on the inside as well! Im including a pic of john hiding a patch on caros varsity jacket as well. i will post my jackets one day, my camera is broken but i figured id share his since he hides things more than i do!

John absolutely uses the library, its a fantastic resource for SO many things, depending on where you're located. He would also probably use a digital reader later, because many of them you can get library cards on and borrow books that way. he is not a strong reader so he mostly reads books that may be under his age level, like goosebumps, but who cares, do what you enjoy. movie wise hes very obsessed with cosmic horror (hence the UFO tattoo) his favorites are Alien, The Thing, Killer Klowns from Outer Space and the Blob from the 80s. both he and Caro love the original Evil Dead franchise, horror comedy like American Werewolf in London, lost boys, etc.

Thank you, Anon, for the long winded paragraph. You asked some really fun questions for me to answer, i love nothing more than to talk about my characters, it was a really nice little break from editing a new podcast episode. I am so so sorry about your situation, and i am sending you all the best and all the love and strength that you can come out of this free and on the other side and live as yourself. If my comics and characters stories can provide a tiny bit of hope that its going to be ok, than ive succeeded at what i set out to do. wishing you all the best. and look into your library, they may have resources to help you with this as well.

[yagamisdiary]

I have a love hate relationship with the fact that you enjoy making us suffer throughout the entirety of your books and making us think they will have a bad ending just to give us the best possible endings ever 🥲 ugh i love you so much youre my favorite author ever, while im here i apologize for the incoming paragraphs but i just need to say it:

1. Idk how you do it but the book covers you choose are always so perfect like?? Idk if im explaining myself but i feel like they capture the vibes of the books perfectly

2. Ok now this is kinda personal and i dont mean to sound like im venting, but have you ever read a fic that impacted you so much to the point where you find yourself still thinking about it to this day 😭 bc that's how i feel about both of ur books, they're so beautifully written and i'm always thinking about the characters or going back to read random parts of the books (edit: i had this paragraph written way before parasite was removed okay but i started rereading eldia yesterday because im truly heartbroken, devastated, downcast, miserable, dejected and inconsolable by the fact that its finished)

I discovered you in july-ish 2021 during parasite era but didnt actually read it until june 2022, i was devastated when i finished it but also had to cleanse my soul cause i accidentally burnt my self out during the last few chapters (i mean it in a good way lol, it was rlly hard to read the last 2 chapters 🙇‍♀️ they were written really well and i felt unsettled while reading the beginning of y/ns whole breakdown, i could feel the gloomy depressed vibe it had if you get what i mean), so anyway i moved on to Eldia. At that time, it was fairly new so there were only like 10 or 11 chapters, ive been keeping up with Eldia ever since and its truly bittersweet to see it end like i was literally full on sobbing for no reason 🥲 probably the sentiment of being a reader for 2 years idk lol. Anyway what im trying to say is that your books were one of the only things that helped me escape reality in 2022, i didnt really find joy in anything and hated my life, however ive definitely improved ever since, so im honestly rlly thankful for you Amara 💕

Edit: i just know it sounds stupid and youre probably tired of hearing the same thing over and over, but i've had this written out for like 5 months and was kinda scared to send it because i felt like it was corny, but with Eldia's resolution i felt encouraged seeing all these people tell you what they think :P so sorry for the long ass paragraph lmao, i just needed to say it because i know in 10 years ill be a grown ass woman and still thinking about these books, theyre attached to my brain forever (like a parasite, ironic)

Ok so i doubt ppl will read this (or that you'll even read all of it) so if you reached the end i must say that you actually ate with the baby names in Eldia 🤭 im saying it here to avoid accidentally spoiling anyone but Andromeda 😪 i remember in early july i sent you an anon ask saying that i pictured you as a girl mom and even listed a few names, i was gonna list Andromeda so its kinda funny to me 😭 and Elrose?? Andromeda is my fav name but Elrose grew on me and i actually rlly like it, idk why it just sounds and looks so satisfying OMG DAMN I JUST SCROLLED UP AND DID I REALLY WRITE ALL OF THAT?? IM SO SORRY AMARA 😭😭 i definitely had way more to say but i feel bad now, it was gonna be an anonymous ask but atp i'll just let it be public

to conclude i must say that whenever someone asks me what my favorite books are, i hate that im not able to say "Oh my favorite books are parasite and eldia" because they're considered fanfics and not 'real books', i think thats really stupid, not only because fanfiction is just as valid as what ppl consider 'real books' but because there are so many fanfictions turned into real books or movies?? Ok im done (for now) but as you can tell im not really good at going straight to the point sorry for writing about 10 paragraphs love you queen vivan las escritoras latinas 🤞

1. honestly i find a pic that fits the vibe i want the book to give before i even write the story then i just somehow find a way to incorporate the cover

ex) eldia’s cover is jean with wine all over him, iykyk there’s an exact scene in eldia that references the cover

2. thank u so much 🥲 the ppl who have stuck around the longest always say the most sweet stuff bc yall really have been alongside me for so many years now and were like growing together which is kinda cool

3. i wanted a name that had ambrose and elijah both in it and it was either elrose or embrose but i ended up liking elrose more, embrose was too similar to ambrose

4. i don’t mind the length of the message at all! i love love love reading all the stuff i receive and the ones that are the longest stick with me the most. 🫶🏼

[causenessus]

hi my loveliness! how’s your morning afternoon or evening !! i miss you so so so much SO MUCH i’m so sorry like hhhh IM SO SORRY BUT I HOPE YOUVE EATEN AND TAKEN CARE OF YOURSELF!! i wanted to send this earlier but after work i was so so so tired and i’m still so very tired but i will try for you !!! the roles are so reverse right now like im fighting sleep and you know what’s so funny? for like an hour i was in and out of sleep and i was imagining myself writing a response and i got so disappointed when i actually woke up and i didn’t </3 BUT ITS A SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE THAT I MUST WRITE THIS !! then i will pass out

todays shift was honestly like… a fever dream because i can not tell you what happened today like i was on autopilot the whole day and i have another shift tomorrow BUT BUT ITS A FOUR HOUR SHIFT !! just a 2:45-7:30 shift YIPPE!! but my coworkers wanna go out after work tomorrow like i hope im not too tired to go but i will 100% update you on that tomorrow, i talked to my manager(girl manager!)about potentially quitting and she was so happy for me I WAS SO SAD BECAUSE SHE WAS LIKE “you’ve been here for so long like we saw you grow up !” AND ITS KIND OF TRUE LIKE IVE BEEN HERE SINCE I WAS 15 SO ITS KIND OF CRAZY and i was like awww now ur making me not want to quit!! but now im gonna quit and fly to the states and work a cute little frame retail job with ness <333333333333333333333333333 AND YES MY STORE MANAGER QUIT OUT OF NOWHERE?? like there’s a group chat for work right and she just sent a huge goodbye message and i was like WHAT and everyone(except for the managers) knew about it like it was such a shocker, unfortunately its NOT the male manager but im manifesting him reading these cutesy little haikyuu x femreader blogs since today he was soooooo DEMANDING !! LIKE !! every second i heard “mango anon do this mango anon do that” LIKE I DONT MIND LIKE it’s my job but it was because like i had a main task to do right but i couldn’t even finish it because he kept sending me on side missions and had the nerve to be like “wait u didn’t do ur main task?” HOW COULD I !! ur sending me on 20 side missions like at this point u should send me to the vents to dust it out!! but i think i am quitting this coming september because i need to start focusing on school more i think but i’ve never quit a job before so im a little NERVOUS BUT BUT OFC ILL UPDATE U !! also i can’t believe your job is making you stay another month LET ME SAVE YOU !! i’ll literally fly to the us and take your shifts for you and you can just sit relax and look pretty while i run around being a hostess(i’ve NEVER been a hostess nor do i know how it works but anything for ness anything anything for you)

update i just fell asleep i think for like 10 minutes but im back so IM CONTINUING (i’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense omg i’m just writing what comes to mind right now)

ness u are the sweetest person ever like whichever higher being decided to give me the blessing of living in the same era as you …. i dedicate my life to them..LIKE THE FACT THAT I GOT BACK INTO HAIKYUU AND FOUND UR BLOG AND I GOT TO ACTUALLY INTERACT WITH YOU LIKE I’M SO LUCKY you’re the best ever ever :(( i don’t want to stress you out with requests but ill keep that in mind because work has been so so so unnecessarily evil lately but having you to talk to has made it a lot easier for sure! and YES THE MEN ARE SO ??? sometimes i genuinely wonder what’s going in their head…. and like in a most polite way ever i feel bad for their wives because like do they not know how to hang up clothes?? is this how they treat their wives?? I HOPE DAMN NOT !! it’s so mind blowing though because in what MENTAL EVALUATION DOES ONE DECIDE “oh i found this RANDOM GIRLS INSTAGRAM and even through in a full grown man, i’m gonna go up to her and shoot my shot!!” LIKE NO??? it was such a bad day like im baffled that one would even think about that?? like im truly baffled, STUNNED EVEN! i appreciate you so much for understanding because i don’t wanna come off as like “she’s complaining about having to do her job!” BECAUSE IM COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW IM BEING TREATED AT MY JOB !! to think these are members of society is kind of scary because like i feel bad when i don’t open the door for someone whose 20 feet behind me like wdym you can give me a pile of your warm WORN inside out clothes?? and to any customer or weirdo who even THINKS of disrespecting you or being weird to you: i will definitely NOT bite your cheek lovingly… i will bite it aggressively and unlovingly and i will very cutely send pieces of your hair to an etsy witch to very cutely hex you <33333333 cutely and politely of course <333333333333333

I GET NOT WANTING TO EAT CHUNKS OF RAW FISH like even the word CHUNKS is terrible but it’s literally what it is !! chunks of raw fish!! NOW IM SQUIRMING AHH CHUNKS AHHH but like i tried covering it up with the other stuff too and it definitely wasn’t that bad but i get not being a raw fish person because that was me too !! also im still on the hunt for cinnamon almond butter! i’ve found some online but they’re like websites i’ve never heard from and personally i do not wanna risk buying from random websites LOL BUT !!! when i fly to the states and meet my favourite person ever (you!!) the first thing i want to do is literally the cinnamon almond butter LIKE IT SOUNDS SO GOOD!! the name and everything(one day for sure) like i don’t care about the american fast food places !! i want CINNAMON ALMOND BUTTER ON A BAGEL !!

also once again you are literally the cutest ever like I WANNA BITE UR CHEEK SO HARD LOVINGLY !! like i know i shouldn’t be but im so scared to actually dm you because idk my blog is ugly(LMAOOO) and im like nervous like so unserious in that matter LIKE SOMETIMES IM LIKE what do i even say ness is too cool for me her inbox is probably filled with other awesome smau writers then THERES ME(like it’s so unserious my reasonings) BUT I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I HATE DAYS WHERE I HAVE TO SEND THESE LATE BECAUSE I GENUINELY MISS TALKING TO YOU LIKE WHENEVER I GET A NOTIF THAT YOU POSTED I GET SO HAPPY !!! (no pressure to always post though !! i’m just saying it’s nice to see you’re still alive and well)

AND YES IM A SCORPIO !! i used to try to be into horoscopes but i never did get into it like I TRIED BUT THERE WERE TOO MANY FACTORS AND LIKE wdym since im a scorpio my favourite colour is red🤨🤨 like that type of thing so i was like okay im just gonna take my star sign or something and roll with it BUT UR A CANCER??? LIKE THAT MEANS YOUR BIRTHDAY JUST PASSED RIGHT? oh my god i didn’t send you a cake and a big ol gift i can’t believe it ALSO WHEN YOU SAID FRESHLY 18 I DIDNT EXPECT FRESHLY FRESHLYYYY 18?? thats so crazy oh my gosh i thought you’ve been 18 for a while(idk why i just kinda assumed) literally i will fly to the states right now and throw you a huge celebration <333333333333333333

IF U HAVE PHASMOPHOBIA WE CAN PLAY AND ILL PROTECT YOU I PROMISE <3333333 and everytime i see “you’re my mango anon” I LITERALLY KICK MY FEET AND GIGGLE LIKE it’s so cute because you literally gave me that name too and it’s so endearing to me like i remember you asking “can i call you this” and i was literally so so so so honoured like i was so :((((( (/POS) IDK IT FELT SO CUTE?? also oh my god i just had a BIG flashback and i’m like IM PRETTY SURE IT WAS YOU BECAUSE ILL BE SO SO SO EMBARRASSED IF IT WASNT YOU BUT!!! i remember you posted something before where you were talking about how you disagree about suna and atsumu being portrayed as like playboys since they’re like losers and they’d be smitten with a girl and I REMEMBER!!! I REMEMBER I SENT IN AN ASK (like i completely forgot this happened so i thought our first interaction was the one about the original love notes plot) BUT I WAS LIKE no yeah i totally agree because they’re losers! in a loving way ofc and i see them being absolutely whipped and smitten and YEAH I REMEMBER THAT LIKE IT JUST CAME TO ME RANDOMLY! i remember just scrolling through tumblr and i saw that and i immediately followed you right after seeing that because i 100% agreed with you and i just remember you being such a sweet sweet person and i think that was the first ever time i’ve sent in an anon ask?? i felt as passionate about it as you did and yeah WOW THAT WAS SO LONG AGO TOO (ness if im wrong and it wasn’t you i’m literally gonna start crying but im 90% sure it was you because i haven’t interacted with any other accounts as much)

LITERALLY ATSUMU COME THROUGH WITH THE 4 BOXES OF MAC AND CHEESE !! we literally need to have a 3am sit down at a dinner table eating mac and cheese and talking about tech because i swear i can make a whole book about my experience as a tech kid it was THAT traumatizing and OH MY GOSH IM FREE TUESDAY AND THURSDAY AND FRIDAY!! LET ME FLY IN REAL QUICK <3333333333

RANDOM INTERMISSION!! water break time, cheers with me CHEERS!! (totally off topic but i love ice water so much)

BACK ON TOPIC to the weird chefs at ness’ work… watch your back because i will not be a sweet loving anon to you … i will very VERY politely make sure u will not have hair in 1 year time …. i will literally become your work guard dog and i will be shameless about it!! AND my male manager is kind of like the “scary” manager so i guessssss he isn’t so badwko

(okay update i fell asleep while writing this and its the morning now so im gonna continue)

ALSO IF UR EVER TIRED PLS PLS PLS DONT WORRY ABOUT WRITING BACK !! i can always wait !! i just want to make sure you’re taking care of yourself and eating because i love and care about you very very much!

THE CONDOMS AND BLACK MOLD THINGS ARE SO FUNNY LIKE im sorry to break it to you but i fear you are correct… it is just a you school thing BUT actors quitting mid production is like sooooo messy because it means more rehearsals for us since we have to get people to fill in the roles and practice their characters! i always feel so bad for our stage manager because like our director kind of always put a lot of pressure on them? AND I FELT SO BAD BCUZ SHE WAS ALWAYS STRESSED like being a store manager is not for the weak at all!

I LOVE ADOPTING PEOPLE IN THE YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME!! i was in physics ap in high school right and during my last year i was the only one left in ap so my teacher had me like kind of become a tutor for the ap kids in the year below me(there was 3 of them) and they were so sweet like i miss them so much </3333 i hope they’re well </33333 BUT I LITERALLY ADOPTED THEM LIKE they were my kids !!! i felt like a proud mother when they were doing well and AHHH but me and you literally i don’t like showing people things multiple times AND ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY DONT GET IT like i know it isn’t their fault because to be honest i think im pretty bad at explaining things but that’s why i VISUALLY show it but when they still don’t get it im like HHHH AHHHHH i do know what to mean by parking the lights!! i had to know a bit of how to do lights since idk lights and sound are linked in that way (like me and you)(soulmates WE ARE SOULMATES) AND I WOULD BE FRUSTRATED TOO IF SOMEONE DIDNT GET IT because i feel like idk it’s kind of …. LIKE IF YOU SEE SOMEONE DOING IT I FEEL LIKE YOUD GET IT?? or i don’t know maybe regina george kin guy is kind of weird like that BUT THE KID YOU ADOPTED SEEMS SO SWEET AND FUNNY LOL i hope you manage to convert her (AND SAVE HER) everytime we talk about tech i miss it so much like if my director asked me to come in to help I FEAR I WOULD SAY YES!! LIKE RIGHT AWAY!! i miss the environment because it was so unserious and like the toxicity between the casts was like watching a tv show right because i was never involved but i heard and watched it all go down so ITS KIND OF FUNNY (you should tell your teacher you know a sounds person)(i will fly in AND i will accompany you)

ALSO TONICS INTRO AHHH IM OBSESSED IM SO EXCITED !! i read it just when i woke up and i was like ness ur so cool ur so so cool ness is so cool AND i will find you your irl sunarin TO TREAT U RIGHT !! or i will simply transform myself and everything to become mister suna rintarou HIMSELF (JUST FOR YOU!!) i will ward off all the weird men for you <333333 just say the word and ill contact the etsy witches i promise you <333333333333333333

HELP THE SLEEPY AND GOD CONVERSATION??? no because literally why are all discord servers the same like everyone playing into the gods role and then there’s that ONE person whose not playing into it(SLEEPY YOU FUNNY FUNNY MAN OR WOMEN)I CAN ALSO PROBABLY FIND A BUNCH OF OLD SCREENSHOTS FROM DISCORD BECAUSE LIKE… a lot of what people said had me genuinely GASPING LIKE SURPRISED BECAUSE IM LIKE oh! oh okay! (the discord quarantine experience is so real and universal i love it)

ANYWAYS I HOPE YOU HAVE THE BESTEST DAY EVER EVER!! IM SO SO SORRY THAT THIS IS LATE BUT I HOPE YOU ATE AND TOOK CARE OF YOURSELF !! my life is forever yours like i will hand you my heart on a silver platter I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH i miss you too like when i woke up literally i was like oh my god did i send ness my ask did i even FINISH IT?? (and i slept midway writing it im so so sorry work drained me) also im literally working 6 days in a row right now like… give me that overtime pay to pay for my ticket to see the actual love of my life AND IF YOU WERE MY HOUSEWIFE ID BE THE BEST BREADWINNER EVER AND BUY YOU WHATEVER YOU PLEASE i will make sure you never have to worry about anything i will literally protect and love u with my life and soul and give you all the cinnamon almond butter the world has to offer!! BUT HAVE A GOOD MORNING EVENING OR AFTERNOON NESS!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND DRINK LOTS OF WATER AND EAT GOOD!! xoxoxoxoxoxo

MANGO ANON </33333333333333333333333333333333 AAA HELLO HELLO!! DO NOT BE SORRY AT ALL!! I AM SO HAPPY TO HEAR FROM YOU AND ONCE AGAIN YOUR SHIFT YESTERDAY SOUNDED SO LATE :(( I WASN'T EXPECTING YOU TO HAVE THE ENERGY TO SEND SOMETHING IN AT ALL!! I WANT YOU TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST ALWAYS <3 so i'm glad ur body was like?? trying to get u to sleep?? or at least made you sleep a little bit before replying 😭😭 BUT I'M GLAD WE WERE IN THE SAME SPOT LMAO last night i think i was trying to write something and once again my eyes would just randomly close and i'd fall asleep for five minutes without realizing it 😭😭 it's simultaneously like the most exhilarating and tiring thing ever?? like i love fighting off sleep and it's always fun waking up like "WHEN DID I FALL ASLEEP? WHERE AM I? WHAT'S HAPPENING" but also like i wanted to stay awake last night!!! but i was super tired </3

I'M SORRY YOU WORK AGAIN TODAY!!! :(( BUT I'M WITH YOU!! i also work a 4 hour shift tonight from 3-7:15 or something like that!! SO WE CAN BE LIKE,, WORKING IN PARALLELS!!! (i have no idea how to word that but hopefully u get what i mean!! i think my brain has given up today so i don't think i'm english-ing very well today in general LMAO) MY SHIFT LAST NIGHT WAS SUCH A FEVER DREAM TOO i'd be grabbing people menus at the speed of light and i was like "i can't believe i know how to do this all" but i couldn't think about it too hard bc it's like when you're breathing and then you suddenly realize you're breathing and then you're like "i do this on autopilot??" and then you can't stop voluntarily breathing yk?? 😭 (SORRY SIDE TANGENT) BUT YOUR GIRL MANAGER SOUNDS SO SWEET!!! :(( AND I'M GLAD SHE'S SUPPORTING YOU QUITTING!! AND I FEEL LIKE THIS IS ONCE AGAIN JUST SHOWING HOW SIMILAR WE ARE MANGO ANON!! bc this restaurant job i've also been working since i was 15 i think!! and ofc i had that little break where i quit before i've had to come back for a few months 😭 (and it is SO admirable that you have worked there for so long i could never!!! you definitely deserve to quit this place with all you've gone through though </33) but it's weird bc like one of my mother's coworkers there is also someone she's been working with since we moved to the state we live in now (when i was just a wee little baby. i think we moved here in like 2013?? idk what grade or age that puts me at and i can't math BUT IK I WAS YOUNG). like they worked at this one sushi place forever and then my mom quit and moved to the restaurant she works at now and this coworker and ended up moving to this restaurant too if that makes sense 😭😭 so that coworker has literally seen me grow up!! and that's crazy 😭 SORRY FOR THE SIDE TANGENET AND I HOPE IT WASN'T CONFUSING

THE GIANT GOODBYE MESSAGE LMAO????? i can just imagine you checking your phone and then suddenly it's a "i have decided to quit. blah blah blah yap yap yap yap yap yap yap. goodbye." message from your store manager LMAOOO (it reminds me of this one fateful day in high school i'm eating my lunch and check my phone and suddenly there's an instagram message from my sister's bf "hey. i love you and your sister so much and i know this is going to be hard for you guys now that we're separating but i just want to say that i'm still here if you guys need anything and don't be mad at her. she's an amazing person and i will always love you guys." NOT ME FINDING OUT THAT MY SISTER AND HER BF BROKE UP [only to get back together a few months later] FROM HER BF BEFORE I EVEN HEARD IT FROM HER??? AND IT WAS THE MOST RANDOM THING EVER LIKE BROTHER IT'S 12 PM ON A WEDNESDAY WHAT'S HAPPENING) THE FACT THAT EVERYONE BUT THE MANAGERS KNEW ???? THAT'S CRAZY 😭 I HOPE THAT DOESN'T MAKE THINGS MORE DIFFICULT FOR YOU FOR HOWEVER MUCH LONGER YOU CONTINUE TO WORK THERE!!

and yes!! maybe your male store manager should be reading cutesy hq x fem reader stories!!! maybe that'll soften his hard heart <33 he's kicking his feet reading a kenma x figure skating reader smau rn <33 how cute!! MAYBE HE WAS TOO BUSY READING CUTE HQ FICS TO REALIZE HOW MUCH HE WAS BOSSING U AROUND WHICH WOULD BE THE ONLY VALID EXCUSE FOR HIS ACTIONS BC OTHER THAN THAT!! grr bark bark let me at him mango anon!!! i will fight him!!! him sending u on side missions and then being like "wait u haven't done your main mission on top of the thousands of side quests i sent u on??!! how dare u!!" (i love using the words missions and quests now for work I WILL FOREVER BE DOING THAT NOW)

AND HE FR SOUNDS LIKE MY MANAGER!! like okay at my store we have the store manager (old man with a mohawk and jeep with no doors and thousands of ducks on his dashboard and is like never there bc he's so busy trying to also help out/manage other stores bc ig we just don't have enough store managers or something. also he's a little crazy bc i think i told u this but one time this guy came in wanting to frame BLACK CORAL he bought OFF THE STREETS OF SOMEWHERE IN MEXICO [black coral IS ENDANGERED AND SO IT IS HIGHLY ILLEGAL TO BE IN POSSESSION OF IT OR MOVE IT OR ANYTHING] and so we had to ask my store manager if we should even be allowed to take it in and frame the coral bc like?? technically it's not ours?? but also maybe a store shouldn't be doing that?? and he would NOT stop comparing it to "this would be like framing a pound of cocaine!!" and he kept saying it and we were like "OKAY BUDDY!! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?? DO YOU WANT A POUND OF COCAINE BEHIND A GLASS IN A LITTLE WOODEN FRAME??" anyway sorry i'll move on, but he's pretty silly), we have like manager #1 that handles all the new employees and also helps around the store, manager #2 that probably does something like that too but idk what it is (and also helps around the store) and then we have "my" manager whose in charge of the framing department (who she's kind of new to being a manager. like basically she worked there and then the old framing manager quit and they begged her to be a manager which all happened right as i was hired). and when i first started she was like "if you close with manager #2 sometimes she'll ask u to help close the store as well" (bc since we're the framing department, we just close our part of the store and the rest of the closers close the actual store if that makes sense) which like!! ig i get!! bc our closing responsibilities are a little bit easier and i don't mind helping!! but also it's not my job and i'm getting paid minimum wage for this!! and even my framing manager said it in a tone that sounded like "yeah this is a crappy thing to make us do so i would never make u do that if u close with me" so i trusted her to not be crappy!! (even though she kind of is) BUT ANYWAY WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS IS LIKE ON THURSDAY SHE HAD ME RUNNING SIDE QUESTS TOO and i was coming into the main office like about to grab paper for our printer AND to ask my manager if i could take a 15 minute break bc i knew she was in there but then she's on our radio like "and ness! will u please sweep THE ENTIRE STORE" (MIND U MY BUILDING USED TO BE A BOOKSTORE AND IS PRETTY BIG. ALSO THIS IS THE SECOND TIME SHE'S ASKED ME TO DO THIS AND THE FIRST TIME I UNDERSTOOD BC THERE WAS ONLY ONE OTHER CLOSER, SO LIKE THERE WAS JUST MY MANAGER [CLOSING REGISTERS], OTHER COWORKER [CLOSING ENTIRE STORE], AND ME [CLOSING FRAMING] BUT ON THURSDAY THERE WERE THREE!!!!! OTHER COWORKERS WHO WERE CLOSING THE ENTIRE STORE SO TELL ME WHY NONE OF THEM COULD TAKE AN HOUR TO SWEEP THE FLOORS SO I COULD GET MY STUFF DONE) AND SO THE PROBLEM is that i was going to ask to take my break!! bc the last of my other coworkers had just gotten off their break and so i was like "cool!! now it's my turn :D" BUT BC I HAD TO SWEEP THE FLOORS I COULDN'T TAKE A BREAK BC IT WAS ALREADY TOO LATE and then i closed framing and there's like three minutes left until we close so wtf am i supposed to do in that time so i'm on my phone (and i was also in the mindset of: this is my 15 minute break shortened into three minutes since i couldn't take it earlier) but my manager comes in and is like "erm...what r u doing on your phone." KYS (SORRY that day made me so mad i am now done with this side tangent!! sorry to ramble so long while ur talking about your manager but i thought you might find this funny 😭😭)

and i think it sounds like a great idea to focus more on school!! especially if your work is scheduling you so much and customers are stressful and everything </3 I WOULD TAKE OVER FOR YOU IF I COULD!! EVEN THOUGH I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT LIKE CLOTHING RETAIL!!! and yeah i mean quitting is terrifying 😭😭 the first time i quit (hosting job) i literally did it over text (felt like one of those fboys breaking up with their gf over text "hey. i think we need to take a break." BARF) and my manager (has made me cry before) literally took me out back the next day and was like "why do u want to quit?? what if we just don't schedule u as much?? or like once your workload as school lightens up u come back??" and i was like "no...i'm done lmfao." (i didn't say that. unfortunately i made up some bs like "oh!! maybe!! i would love to come back!! i just don't know when i'll be less stressed so i'll tell you when i'm doing better [which would be never] :)") and my second job (fast food job </3) i did print out some google doc two weeks notice template and they literally could not care less and i didn't care so it'll be ok!! and it sounds like your manager was super nice about it so that's good!! I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU MANGO ANON <33 WE COULD HOST TOGETHER!! WE'D BE THE BEST DUO EVER LITERALLY LIKE I THINK THE WORLD COULD PAIR US UP AND THROW US INTO LIKE A CONSTRUCTION CREW AND WE'D BUILD THE BEST SKYSCRAPER EVER DESPITE NO PAST EXPERIENCE. LIGHTS AND SOUND DUO? THAT'S US <3 HOSTING TOGETHER? WE CAN DO IT <3 BUILDING HOUSES?? AN EASY TASK FOR NESS AND MANGO ANON!!! <3

AND LMAO DW ABOUT MAKING SENSE AT ALL!! i will always be able to follow mango anon i am convinced we are literally two peas in a pod <3 on the same wavelength and everything!! and that was me last time i answered and lowkey how i'm feeling today 😭😭 i just write whatever pops into my silly little brain!!

AND YOU WOULDN'T STRESS ME OUT AT ALL MY LOVE <333 I'M SO SO SO SO GLAD I GET TO INTERACT WITH YOU!! I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE I LOVE TALKING TO YOU EVERYDAY <3 LOWKEY I ENJOY GOING TO MY HOSTESS JOB ESPECIALLY (since that seems to be where all the drama happens LMFAO i love u food industry) bc i'm always in the mindset of "omg!! what can i tell mango anon happened today <3" or something happens and i'm like "I'M TELLING MANGO ANON ABOUT THIS" like i love everyone!! but everytime someone asks me how my day is sometimes i purposely keep things away...so that when i talk to u i can tell u everything that happened if that makes sense.. (i'm sorry to ANYONE ELSE OTHER THAN MANGO ANON READING THIS I LOVE U ALL AND I LOVE TALKING TO U GUYS BUT ALSO I REALLY REALLY LOVE MANGO ANON) so definitely pls lmk if you want me to write you anything!! i would love to ESPECIALLY IF IT CAN HELP MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER!! but i cannot tell you how much it has also helped me to talk to you!! i love to hear about your days and hear your replies and literally everything i love you so much mango anon <33

DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT BEING POLITE TO MEN!! THEY DON'T DESERVE YOUR POLITENESS literally men are the worst!! i don't think there's anything going on in their heads!! and i definitely feel bad if any of them have a wife and how much they probably have to do to make up for their lame excuse of a husband </33 AND YOU NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT HOW YOU COME OFF EITHER MANGO ANON!! ALL OF YOUR FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS ARE ALWAYS VALID <3 DON'T LET ANYONE ELSE TELL YOU OTHERWISE!! IT IS ALWAYS VALID TO COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR JOB AND HOW YOU'RE BEING TREATED THERE!! ALL OF THAT IS REAL AND CAN BE STRESSFUL!! and once again i'm glad you may be quitting soon!! so that hopefully you can alleviate some of that stress!! ETSY WITCH HEXING IS SO SO CUTE <33

AAA CINNAMON ALMOND BUTTER <33 DO NOT WORRY!! I WILL FLY TO U AND BRING U MY FAVORITE ALMOND BUTTER AND BAGELS!!!! AND DEF DW ABOUT LIKE FINDING IT ONLINE 😭😭 when i first started buying cinnamon almond butter and had to get it off amazon/the brand's sketchy website tell me why each jar was literally like $13????? i think the one i buy now is like $7 so i feel like that's a bit better 😭

AND PLEASE!! NEVER WORRY ABOUT LIKE YOUR BLOG OR DMING ME OR NAYTHING <33 OR OFC JUST MAKE A BURNER ACCOUNT 😭😭 BUT I PROMISE YOU ARE JUST AS AWESOME AS EVERYONE ELSE (if not more awesome!! teehee <3) AND HONESTLY I LOVE SEEING U IN MY INBOX BUT LAST NIGHT I WAS LIKE "i wish i could check in on mango anon 😔 but i have no way of messaging her first" BUT ALSO I LOVE OUR DYNAMIC!! I LOVE THAT U SEND THESE AS ASKS BUT I WILL BE HAPPY AS LONG AS I TALK TO U!!! I LOVE KNOWING U ARE ALIVE AND WELL ALSO!! <3 I WILL LOVINGLY BITE YOUR CHEEK AND NOT SO LOVINGLY BITE YOUR BRAIN'S REASONING AND INSECURITIES!! BC YOU ARE AWESOME MANGO ANON I LOVE YOU <3

AND AAA OMG I LOVE SCORPIOS!!! I ALSO NO LONGER KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HOROSCOPES LMAO LIKE I USED TO BE REALLY INTO IT AND THEN KIND OF FELL OFF ("wdym my fav color is red bc i'm a scorpio" LMAOO THAT MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD) BUT I DO KNOW SCORPIOS AND CANCERS ARE LIKE SUPER COMPATIBLE!!! LITERALLY WE ARE TWIN FLAMES LOOK AT US <3 AND YES my birthday did just pass 😭😭 this is so scary like i hope not a lot of people see this bc i feel bad but like i def did just round up when i started putting my age on my blog bc i was like "i'm almost 18 anyway whtvr!!!" (i had under a month </3) I PROMISE I'M NOT A BIG LIAR i don't even want to like make excuses about this bc it was super stressful for my on my birthday bc i was like "do i pretend to be 19 now?? or just keep rolling and hope no one thinks abt the fact that i'm a cancer??" but i wanted to be honest as possible and everything yk 😭😭 so i'm sorry i rounded up for a little bit AAA sorry i hope that's okay i've never mentioned this on the blog before but i feel safe with u mango anon 😭😭 so i'm saying this here 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 BUT DON'T LET THAT GUILT TRIP YOU OR ANYTHING JUST YELL AT ME IF THIS WAS A BAD THING FOR ME TO DO OR ANYTHING I'M SO SORRY (i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry pls know i'm so sorry idek what to say but i just hope this wasn't upsetting to find out?? idk?? i'm sorry </3) I WILL BE THROWING YOU A BIG CELEBRATION WITH A BIG CAKE AND ALL THE PRESENTS IN THE WORLD IN NOVEMBER!! <3

PLEASE IT WOULD BE SO FUN TO PLAY PHASMOBIA TOGETHER!! I'VE NEVER PLAYED IT BEFORE AND DON'T HAVE IT I'VE JUST SEEN CLIPS OF PEOPLE PLAYING IT AND I'D BE SO SCARED TO PLAY IT 😭 BUT IK IT'D BE FUN WITH YOU!! AND AA I'M SO HAPPY I COULD GIVE YOU THE NICKNAME!! IT'S SO SWEET AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH <3 AND YES!!!! THAT WAS ME I MADE THAT POST ABOUT SUNA AND ATSUMU BEING LOSERS IT WAS THE DAY I WAS LOCKED UP IN A ROOM FOR LIKE 7 HOURS TRYING TO GET MY HAIR DYED RED AND WAS GOING CRAZY 😭😭😭 AND I REMEMBER YOUR ASK TOO BC I WAS SO SO HAPPY TO SEE SOMEONE AGREE WITH ME!! bc i was like scared to show that opinion bc it genuinely felt like entering the community of people who are obsessed with suna smoking and being like "suna doesn't smoke" YK LIKE I FELT LIKE I WAS LITERALLY THROWING MYSELVES TO THE WOLVES BUT THEN U AGREED WITH ME AND I WAS LIKE "OH THANK GOODNESS!!" i am forever thankful to tumblr and the world for letting that post come across your feed!!! BC I'M SO SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE MANGO ANON <33

AND LITERALLY!!! PLEASE TALKING ABOUT TECH TRAUMA OVER 3AM MAC N CHEESE (MADE BY ATSUMU MIYA HIMSELF) WOULD BE A DREAM!!! I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU TUESDAY MANGO ANON!! I WILL BUY MAC N CHEESE TODAY <3

i love random intermission!! I LOVE ICE!! I LOVE EATING ICE!! AS U READ THIS MAKE SURE U DRINK SOME WATER!!

MANGO ANON I HOPE YOU HAD AN AMAZING SLEEP AFTER WRITING THIS 😭😭 THE WAY WE WERE LITERALLY THE SAME FALLING ASLEEP TRYING TO REPLY TO EACH OTHER PLEASE NEVER WORRY ABOUT RESPONDING AS WELL!! i love you so much <3 the way you were telling me if i was tired to not worry about replying when you're HERE!! DOING THE SAME THING!! /lh (AS LONG AS YOU SLEPT AND FELT WELL RESTED AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF I FORGIVE U!!)

and yeah omg i'm so stressed for my stage managing duties coming up 😭😭 bc my directors also put so so so much pressure on our stage managers 😭 i remember we did "the tempest" one of my high school years and it was a show that our theatre was basically submitting to try to take to like a thespian conference?? idk if other states/countries do that 😭 and basically bc i was the light board op yk i was always right next to my stage manager and our director would ALWAYS come up and be like "YOU need to do this THIS and THIS and THIS and WHY HAVEN'T YOU DONE THIS YET? it's YOUR job AS THE STAGE MANAGER" and like she was stressed I was stressed and he was only making it worse bc then she got more stressed out and then i was stressed bc she was stressed and it just was not a good time </33 AND THAT'LL BE ME SOON!!! 😃😃😃😃 i need ur strength mango anon!!! pls come be my sound person 😭😭

AND YES!! LIKE SOMETIMES YOUNGER KIDS ARE MENACES BUT THEN YOU FIND THE REALLY GOOD ONES AND YOU'RE LIKE "omg let me adopt you and just care for you and give you every single thing in the world. u are my child now." OR AT LEAST THAT'S HOW I FEEL LMAOO AND I'M SUCH A PROUD MOTHER TOO!! i think i told u this ( i just went back to check so i'm not repeating myself and i did so nvm BUT I ALSO JUST SAW HOW MANY TYPOS I MADE MY BAD 😭😭 I FR THINK IN THE MOMENT "yeah there's no way i made any typos!!" BUT I DEF DID I'M SORRY ) OKAY SO NVM I'M NOT TELLING THE STORY AGAIN I WAS JUST GONNA TALK ABOUT HOW I WAS HELPING THE GROUP OF THE KID I ADOPTED BC I LOVE HER BUT INSTEAD LET ME TELL YOU the other groups in that class were so stressful. mango anon i had a nightmare last night about having to use an angle grinder bc they broke a drill bit trying to make a box and then all of their screws were like poking out the side of the box 😭😭 AND ACTUALLY SO THEY FINISHED MAKING THEIR LITTLE BOXES ON FRIDAY and had to use a piece of lauan (just thin wood!! idk how explain it or how much u know i'm sorry </3) to make like the back of the box AND MY KIDS DID SO GOOD I WAS SO PROUD OF THEM I TOTALLY GET IT <3

i have completely lost any sense of comprehensibility so I'M SORRY FOR HOW RANDOM THIS ALL IS 😭 BUT YES!! WE ARE SO CONNECTED I THINK I TOLD U THIS AS WELL BUT LIGHTS AND SOUND ARE DEF CONNECTED </3 there was one time a group of actors (seniors when i was a junior) asked me to run the sound board bc like no one else was there to do it and i was like "oh!! i never have before but OKAY IG 😃" BUT OMG UR TOTAL RIGHT BEING IN THEATRE WAS LITERALLY JUST LIKE WATCHING REALITY SHOWS?? LIKE I'VE NEVER WATCHED KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS OR WHATEVER THAT SHOW IS BUT I'M SURE IT'S JUST LIKE THAT LMAOOO and that's exactly why it was so easy for my directors to convince me to come back 😭😭 and like it's even better now that i've graduated!! so i feel like i'm on more equal playing ground with my directors and everything!! IF YOU FLEW TO ACCOMPANY ME YOU WOULD LITERALLY SAVE MY LIFE LMAO 😭😭 u could help me co-parent this lovely kid i've adopted!! she could grow up to be a dual lights and sound kid omg <3 MANGO ANON I NEED U TO COME HERE!!!

AND HELLO??????? BECOMING MISTER SUNA RINTAROU HIMSELF??????????? MAYBE YOU ALREADY ARE MANGO ANON <3 I THINK YOU'RE MY IRL SUNA RINTAROU <3 AND I'M SO HAPPY TO HAVE FOUND YOU <3 I AM NO LONGER CURSING OUT THE WORLD FOR PUTTING ME IN THE WRONG UNIVERSE BC I HAVE FOUND YOU!!! SO THIS IS THE RIGHT UNIVERSE FOR ME BC I HAVE YOU <3333 I'M SO GLAD YOU ENJOYED THE TONICS INTROS!! THANK YOU SM I'M SO SO HAPPY TO HEAR THAT <33

I LITERALLY KICKED MY FEET READING YOUR LAST MESSAGE MANGO ANON <33 YOU ARE LITERALLY THE BEST YOU ARE MY IRL SUNA AND THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! I WOULD BE UR HOUSEWIFE TOO IF U WOULD HAVE ME <3333333 AND I'M SO SO GLAD TO KNOW YOU!!!! I WILL BE WORKING EXTRA HARD TONIGHT TO PAY FOR MY TICKET TO SEE U <33 AND I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT SHIFT TONIGHT!! I CANNOT WAIT TO HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN LOVE <3 I HOPE YOU HAD A WONDERFUL SLEEP AND HAVE A GREAT DAY TODAY!! MAKE SURE TO EAT AND DRINK WATER <333

[autisticstarseed]

im just. so dead tired of people out here really thinking that straight people even care about aces at all. like i cant believe exclusionists still actually try that “uhh you’re valid though!” shit when theyre constantly equating being ace as hetero points(tm) on your sexuality card. ‘oh yeah yall ur valid but also ur basically straight and should just go hang out with the straight ppl!’ smhhh like ill be fucking real to you if you are a gay exclusionist you should especially know damn well what its like to tell a straight person you dont wanna have sex with them. they hate it. they hate us. they will get violent. they will pressure us. they rape us. that is Not a safe place for us.

on top of that, they genuinely dont even view us like we’re any ‘less gay’ or something. hets don’t understand it and won’t accept it if its an identity besides het, i thought that was obvious lmao. its the same to them. we’re forced into therapy to fix us, raped to fix us, everyone wants to fix us. people arent punished by society for specifics, nobody says god hates pans, polys and androgynes, you are punished if you arent cishet. whether or not your warped fucking mind thinks aces are straight, straight people dont, therefore we are not accepted by them. and if you listened and even just Pretended to care about our experiences you would understand that, but yall literally won’t take in anything that doesn’t back up your discourse. anything that makes it look like we’re struggling is ignored and brushed off. wiped from the record every time its brought up. doesnt matter didnt happen i dont care. We’re not allowed to look vulnerable. 

and the problem is, we are so vulnerable right now. im sorry but the only reason we’re not this dictionary definition of oppression you guys have is bc we’re literally too invisible, and erasure aint privilege when the 25% of people that Do know what you are fucking hate you and think your sexuality is biologically impossible and a mental illness. we’re not accepted by straight people, not accepted by lgbt+ people, we have no support system. saying “go take care of yourselves” is another way of saying go be silent and ignorable. its not how a community works, if only the people that are a part of it support themselves theyre a sitting fucking duck. we have no awareness, no support, nothing and no one on our side but ourselves. if you have no allies you have no system. its literally just a blatant attempt by everyone to push us onto someone else so they dont have to care about us. its hellish and the loneliest ive ever felt with my identity to date.

most importantly just stop fucking telling us where to go, what to do, how to identify, etc. if you wanted us out of your community that bad then you need to stay in your own lane. you literally dont have a right to tell us what to do with ourselves. it was never your place but especially not now. i dont care what your discourse is, aces have valid problems that deserve peoples attention and support. whether we’re traumatized aces or aces with mental disabilities or just ace because we’re fucking ace, we’re out here alone and struggling and if you refuse to listen to our pleas for any form of positive attention from you then your issues with us run far deeper than just saying you dont want us in your club. you literally dont fucking care about us. we’re a joke to you. at least admit that

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw for mentions of abandonment, trauma

hi friends, kinda just looking for some reassurance/advice if thats ok!

ive been in a relapsed state for a while now and yesterday i hit my lowest point because of how little support ive had since it started (this is no one's fault but my own and i accept this, i should add). i snapped at some friends of mine who were just trying to be nice and said what i really feel which probably isnt even true to reality anyway. im in the process of sending apologies to everyone that got caught up in it but i cant help but feel ive just sealed the deal and everyone i know just hates me and doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.

i totally understand people arent obligated to put up with me when im acting out but the only reason im doing this is just... because as much as i want friends of mine to care about me, the mortifying ordeal of being known is a thing and i have really bad trauma surrounding abandonment from an ex who told me to my face that she didnt want to deal with me when i was sad then proceeded to get mad at me for trying to hide my depression to make her feel better, so i kind of just feel bad about talking to people and asking for help nowadays. i really want people to help me, but i refuse to let myself ask for help out of fear that i'm going to have to deal with that again. plus im also concerned about piling my issues onto others when its a bad time for them as well even when they say its ok because i did that when an ex-friend of mine was insisting everything was okay there too...

~ peachy

Hey there peachy!

That sounds like a difficult situation. I'm sorry you're going through so much right now. You deserve more support than you're getting.

Good for you for apologizing and acknowledging that you reacted poorly. That's really admirable. I hope you're giving yourself credit for that.

You won't know how they feel unless you ask them. Give them time to process your apology and make sure you're putting in effort to prevent that from happening again. If you think it will happen again, let them know what triggered it, remind them that you're sorry and that you take full responsibility for it, and try to work out how this could be prevented in the future. Communication is important when you let people in and allow them to see you when you're struggling. But it brings people closer together, builds intimacy.

You have a lot of self-awareness about your actions. It makes sense that you're not comfortable asking for help due to those pleas for help being thrown back in your face in the past. Our brains remember these things and try to protect us in the future. But we can also rewrite this idea our brains have. Every time you reach out and it is successful, your brain will learn that you're able to ask for help and that it won't cause you harm.

At the end of the day, people are responsible for what they do and communicate. If you tell your friends you need to talk for advice or venting, and if your friends aren't able to talk about a particular issue on a particular day, they need to communicate that to you. If they say they are up for talking, you can remind them that they can stop you anytime if they need to, but let yourself talk to them if they are up for it. It's really difficult, I know, but remember that you deserve support and that friends are people who care about you, want what is best for you, and are there for you. It's okay to ask for help. You are worthy of help. Anyone who has made you feel otherwise was wrong.

You deserve attention and care and support. I hope you're able to surround yourself with relationships that are good for you and your self growth.

Take care.

- Mod Misa

[smutty-ki113r]

ok show u an emoji? hm ...( •̀ .̫ •́ )✧ that one maybe? he has a really goofy grin <3 omg u think he was serious?? 0w0 i am known for being oblivious when ppl like me... i didn't notice that a past classmate was trying to get with me for a whole year until another classmate pointed it out-

YEAH?! u don't feel that? i am a very big smell person. i connect alot of things with certain smells. i use at least 3 different smelling things on my body at all times cuz it makes me happy. but if i have a partner i love sorrounding myself with their smell so i smell like them :>

yeah if u two don't get together imma beat bens ass. i hope u r crying happy tears （︶^︶）

i did make him a sandwhich don't worry lol. i was making sandwhiches for toby cuz jeff and toby r trying to beat bens highscore at some game. they forget to eat and drink-

i am sorry what?? wife me up?0-0 uh not sure abt that...i would rather be his personal servant than his wife-

i usually shift everyday once or twice but sometimes only every second or third day. for me it's like five minutes here are like 20 or 30 minutes there but i know it's different for a lot of ppl. i shift pretty often cuz irl only my best friend knows abt my gender. i don't feel comfy with outing myself since some family members r really against lgbt+ and whenever i try to explain it to them they don't even wanna understand. i don't want ppl to fight because of me. and when i shift all of them accept and respect me for who i am and it feels so good.

dude i actually think i stopped simping for ben because i am like friends with him now and i realized we wouldn't make a good couple. we basically just don't have any chemistry in that sense. AND you'll be his number 1!! more confidence pls >:[ my otp!

yes i do read him the fics. yes i like doing it hehe. i mean he reads me the jeff and toby ones <3 just friends being friends. no but ben thinks it's interesting what ppl think he's like in bed-

smut fanfics abt urself? man that's dope :> if i had that i'd just think i am so hot!

also; my binder arrived yesterday :> i almost cried happy tears when i unpacked it! i and today my stick and poke set arrived which is also hella dope owo

this is a lil vent; if u don't care feel free to skip: i had a driving lesson today and my driving instructor was super mean today. basically she just told me i was doing everything to slow but she was personal abt it... she said stuff like "r u this codependend in every part of life? do i need to tell u everything u have to do?" i literally cried a tiny bit while driving. she didn't even notice. i hope she isn't this mean next time. this never happened before...maybe she just had a bad day?

anyways i love u <3

-🃏

Thats such a cute emoji- I DO in fact think he was being serious.

Don’t beat ben’s ass please- happy tears YES but like 5 minutes after they’re sad.

YOURE SO NICE TO THEM!! Adorable- PERSONAL SERVANT??!!! OML-OUGYHVBJUIGYU it’s so nice that you get to be yourself in your shifting world. Well i support you <3 and I think you’re wonderful regardless. OMNG AND a stick and poke set??!!1 you need to let me know what you do! Also im so happy you got a binder!!

No, absolutely unacceptable. I don’t think you should be treated in that way ever, you are not stupid and you are not slow. Thats rude and she should be fired. Don’t invalidate yourself and then validate those who abuse you, i used to do that a lot.

(Sort of tw: my emotions ew. You dont need to read this next part but i just do wanna get it out because if i dont i might fall down and die) like literally, its not important at all. Just skip this.

Well yeah. Sad tears i guess. Like I absolutely adore the thought of me and ben being together but oh Jesus here we go again. I dont see any reason as to why anyone would like me. Im sort of the person you stay with a couple months of your life at the most, and then leave because im too much, or just disgusting i guess. I don’t really know. Its so hard for me to see anyone liking me. I mean i like me but i feel like nobody else does. Ive been put in second place so many times in my life, because of my body, or who i am, or what i am. I dont know.

I hate devaluating myself like this because I know in less than a day it’ll go back to me thinking im the best person in the world. But when im alone, or when i realize that im alone I can’t help but feel this way.

Like., why would anyone like me when im like this? When there’s so many other people out there who are probably better than me. Ill never be the best at anything.

And i hate the thought of falling deeper in love because what then? What if i do end up falling for him so hard that being alone would kill me. And when he abandons me, because everybody eventually does. What happens then.

Fuck i hate my life so bad. It’s like I can never be happy and I try to tell myself that I do deserve happiness, especially after what ive gone through but then every time i think im getting happy it stops.

I want to love him so bad. But why, why would anyone ever love me?

Anyway. I love you!!!1

[socialistsooner420]

ok i gotta slow down

i accidentally overmedicated myself with my focalin. not too much, dont worry, im not even prescribed a proper amount for an adult (which is a whole other can of worms i'll get into) and i only took one extra. ive done way more uppers than this, ill be ok i just need to do a little ramble here so i can slow down and vent

i took an extra bc i panicked and just felt overwhelmed by the amount of chores n shit i needed to catch up on from not having meds the past two weeks and living in a literal garbage pile

my psych wont up my dosage because she thinks its illegal?? but like... im on the lowest dosage possible, twice a day, instant release. i've been on it for over a year, and she can absolutely up the dosage. i used to have extended release prescription (god i miss those so much but i couldnt afford $165 a month plus my other meds ugh) and just one was 2 times stronger than the current dosage of my instant releases. so?????? why the fuck

all yall ppl who say "be honest with yr psychs!!!!" hahahahahaahaahaha they lie to me why tf would i be honest to them? especially when in the times i have been "honest" its actively harmed my treatment

like, do yall not understand how hard it is to get medication when your doctor doesnt even believe in the specific illness affecting you??

ive literally been told to "pray the anxiety away". i left that doc after one appointment. but thats just a PRIME example of why being "honest" just dont work here

ive been misdiagnosed and mismedicated all while my doctors just wouldn't listen to what the fuck i was saying and that i was dealing with and wanted to just use the "textbook conditions". and agoraphobia isn't well researched, because, well..... thats pretty much our biggest fear. being observed. being open with strangers. so its not really a "textbook condition".

its a complex issue that is different in every agor because it's usually induced by individual trauma, and its not a "societal/behavioral" illness and therefore not really something to "fix" with just meds. meds absolutely help. but since its not a "behavioral" illness, its not "as urgent of an illness" and i need to focus on my "REAL PROBLEMS" of anxiety and depression

which?????? what the fuck does "behavioral" even MEAN???? agoraphobia absolutely is behavioral, i cant fucking leave my house by myself, and BARELY with trusted people since ive regressed so bad due to covid panic. it effects my daily life and my "real issues" of anxiety and depression are actually fucking SYMPTOMS OF AGORAPHOBIA.

i will give credit where credit is due, but doctors (esp psychs) are NOT magical gods of medical knowledge that people hold them to be. living with a nurse ive learned that doctors are actually pretty fucking dumb and that they're really just "management/public relations" in hospitals. ive had a lot of bad experiences with doctors. so no i do not just trust them and tell them everything, they've probed to me countless times that they're not listening anyway.

and the reason why i put quotes around "honest" is because im not lying to them, but

idk how y'all's psych appointments go, but mine are literally just this conversation

"hi! how are you doing today?"

eh. im surviving haha

"hahaha yeah we all are. any panic attacks?"

ohhhh yeah hahahaha. plenty.

"oh! okay well lets move on, how is your add?"

i cant really focus on anything for more than like an hour but... at least i get that hour?

"well ya gotta just take the time ya got to do what ya need! how about the depression?"

well, i can barely leave my bedroom, which is covered in garbage because i cant go outside to take them to the trash and thats pretty depressing

"hahaha awww, im sorry to hear that. well, im sending your prescriptions to the pharmacy, see ya next month!"

i dont even have an opportunity to be honest. its so fast.

i dont want to have to find a new doctor because ive literally had to fight tooth and nail to find someone who would prescribe me anything that can actually HELP me, aka my vallium, which is a hell of a lot more difficult to get than any other fucking benzo for some reason???? the only others ive been prescribed was xanx, kpins. xanx is nice but its too temporary. its for when you're having an anxiety attack, not for general anxiety like valium is. and kpins?? mannnnnn FUCK KLONOPIN THAT SHIT DID NOTHIN.

idk i guess rant over for now thanks for not reading this long dumb post where i cry about not being properly medicated and being actively neglected & abused by doctors who literally don't believe in agoraphobia & refuse to acknowledge its existence or the consequences it has on both my mental state and my physical state.

[cursologist]

ive been more sad lately than ever while also being relieved

vent below. if youre not interested in friendship drama, skip this one

i had a friend group that was super close and important to me for 6 years. although i always felt like an outsider (rightfully so) and the first 3 years of us hanging together has been riddled with rsd on my part, ive grown past it, not letting that group's daily mundane rejections get to me. after all, theyve told me a bunch of times that im a vital part of the group and its just that they cant meet my demands of affection because they dont do that with others either, so i probably had abnormally high demands in the first place. so i lowered them and i felt better around the group. i accepted some unchanging things about myself such as my deafness stopping me from staying up past 3 am, it affecting how dysfunctional i am in a group setting etc. i became the quiet friend, partly because of my deafness, partly because of my embarrassment of my past actions as an unnecessary drama queen

so its september 2021, i had a post-surgery canker sore and i didnt have thr energy to join the voice chat. i woke up to messages next day, where my friend, lets call her samantha, apologizes to the rest of the group. there was a debate-about-to-turn-into-a-heated-argument going on. i was anxious because i lost friends to arguments like that. the conversation was about shipping incest and i wanted nothing to do with that. but i saw faults in both samantha's points as well as the rest of the group's attitude and demeanor. they were basically giving samantha an ultimatum, which indicated that this will not resolve in a pretty way.

i stand on "ship and let ship" and "its my responsibility to avoid anything i dont like" and i wanted nothing to do with the fight. i guess the rest of the group (4 people btw) were practicing their right to avoid anything they dont like from their end. but they accused of samantha endorsing horrible things based only on her media consumption. these same people create mafia OCs, endorse attack on titan and in the past has shipped usuk from hetalia (two brothers) so it was weird and hypocritical of them to accuse samantha like that

anyway once samantha said she wont stand for ship policing and accusations like that especially from her closest friends, she left all group chats. after that shitshow one of the 4, lets call her linda, demanded my input on the topic. my heart dropped. i spoke no words during this, being anxious all day, letting them resolve this among themselves. but now they demanded my opinion on it, like this is the mandatory committee of opinions. i wouldve never thought these people were the kind to do that

i told them i will not give my opinion on incest because of my own reasons but i said generic stuff like "i see faults in both sides" and mentioned the hypocrisy regarding attack on titan. so that argument went for a few messages but i gave in and said im sorry i was wrong then. i did voice my dislike in them demanding my opinion, but linda said she doesnt like that someone has the privilege to stay quiet on something that affects the whole group (????). then connor (name changed) said hes interested to know my opinion on the subject one day. and the discussion died after the 4 of them went "5 years of friendship, thrown out of window" and "ive never in the history of humankind have seen anyone avoid responsibility like that before" for a while. we talked with donna (name changed) after that, basically discussing what the fuck happened. i have no beef with her since she didnt participate in the mocking and ridiculing of samantha. all is well for a few days, apart from samantha leaving the group. im still friends with her

i need to go soon so ill make this short. a few days later i see connor, linda and the last one bessy (name changed) unfollowing me on instagram. i talked with bessy since i was the closest to her. she unfollowed me primarily for other reasons that involves a previous member of this group, but that doesn't affect linda and connor. so im kind of inclined to believe the two of them unfollowed me due to me not taking a stance on the subject. they unfollowed me because i did not voice my distaste on incest. which is an ok reason to unfollow a faceless twitter mutual, but i was their friends for years.... and they unfollowed me because i did not want to talk about a horrible subject

and theyre not entitled to my opinion. nor my personal experiences on the topic. i didnt want this. this isnt how accountability works. yet they still thought i was privileged for putting my mental health before starting a fight knowing that my opinion was not compatible with their ultimatum they gave to samantha. i wouldve lost them as friends if i gave my honest opinion. well i lost them now anyway. which sucks.

this friend group has been a huge part of my life for my formative years. and it fell apart from a disagreement and an ultimatum that was uncharacteristic of any of them. and im sad it had to come to this, but im also relieved. after all this group has caused me almost non stop rsd, which is no way their fault, only mine. but that has affected how i interact with them from then on

im mad at linda for not respecting my boundaries. im mad at how bessy behaved holier than thou during our private messaging. im mad at how she handled the lack of a mattress for everyone during our last sleepover (long story). im mad at how connor, linda and bessy all just attacked samantha like that, without considering her side of the story. im mad at how linda apologized for her ridicule after samantha has left.

but im relieved. the group was very high performance in the end. at least from my perspective. bessy even told me our friendship hasnt been giving to either direction for a while. but ive been exhausted for months

[clownbeep]

Im gonna post a long ass vent about my family because I am so disgusted with them

((TW)) homophobia

I saw my little sister crying really hard and quietly on the couch

She had been loving a series, I suspect she used it to escape a bit too

She was crying and I help her in my arms for like 30 minutes as she explained and we talked (shes like 11)

They keep stopping her from watching shows cause there just so happens to be a gay character. Sounds annoying but not too bad right? Well like. You can see how crushed she was

Anyway I gave her my permission to watch steven universe/she-ra as much as her little heart wanted. And if my family asked why it was on the recently watched id say I was watching it (they dont care if I do they just want to manipulate my sister while shes young)

They made her cry because of their stupid ass homophobia

In the past she had admitted she might be bi

Its her first big dose of homophobia and its really beating her down

I wish there was some way I could take her with me when I move out

(This isnt why but theres a shit ton more of emotional neglect/abuse health neglect, other issues Ive yet to post about.)

Im so upset and engry right now.

I let myself take it along for years.

But god fucking damnit I dont want my sister to have to deal with it too...

Sorry for posting a negative post.

Im disgusted with my family. Shes really hurt.

Its not even the show she explained. She knows I am not straight/cis (ive had respectful small talks with her since she asked) and she was so upset about the homophobia...

Shes realising our parents/family arent perfect.

Neither am I and ive let her know that many times but I think the reality is just now hitting her

Im asking for advice I guess

I want to help her.

I offered to watch those shows with her when my family goes out. That helped her a bit

[sun-daisies]

2020 thoughts

its not that deep but I genuinely want to thank the aos community for being so amazing - I know im still very new to the fandom and I dont really know anyone but you’ve all been so kind and welcoming and accepting and I really appreciate that.

not to be dark and dramatic or whatever but exploring the mcu, rediscovering fanfic, and writing angsty daisy fics genuinely kept me alive over quarantine (it really do be the little things huh), and I hella appreciate everyone on ao3 for making this fandom so much fun to be in. you’re all so incredibly enthusiastic and encouraging and h o l y s h i t you’re all so talented, and I genuinely mean it when I say im so grateful for all the feedback ive received on my fics AS WELL AS all of the amazing content you’ve all created. shit this fandom is a GOLDMINE for great content and even greater people. 

I entered 2020 the happiest I'd ever been, and, like everyone else, had a really tough time seeing any sort of light in march/april/may when shit hit the fan. there was one specific night I remember lying in bed at like 4 am, writing and rewriting a text to one of my closest friends, alternating between saying goodbye and asking for help (ahem, sorry, I didn’t mean for it to get that dark). it quite literally took that friend facetiming me every night and introducing me to the mcu to get me excited to live again, even if it was just a form of escapism. sometimes thats all you need, and im so incredibly grateful to that friend for keeping me here - trust me, they got a message three times as long as this post. anyway, I fell in love with tony stark, then natasha romanoff, and then my friend said “hey, we should probably watch aos while we watch the movies,” and I became fully and unapologetically OBSESSED (fitzsimmons were ICONIC and I fucking LOVED skye she was such a little shit oh my GOD). 

(and yea maybe for that stretch of time the literal only thing that got me out of bed in the morning was the promise that if I didn’t give up on my assignments or my freelance work then id be able to consume marvel content later, but again, it’s the little things)

by season 4 of aos I was writing again (lost connection in about june on ffn, then eventually made it over to ao3) and ever since - even as life started back up again - ive been writing consistently, and it’s helped me sort through my emotions and find a community who’s just so passionate that its inspiring. seriously. im by no means a “good writer” and I never really expected anyone to actually read my stuff, I was just doing it to vent out my own angst so I could keep myself afloat. but knowing that there's people who are engaged and maybe even sometimes moved by my work? damn. that shit hit different.

(im bad with emotions and touchy feely okay-)

so uh, thank you. for keeping me here. for giving me something to look forward to. for being such an amazing community, for letting me hang out in my little corner of the party and encouraging me to join. 

on a lighter note, ill probably be spending the night finishing up the draft for control’s update on monday. if there’s interest, maybe ill post a teaser on saturday (my birthday, holy shit I thought by now id be able to be with my friends again or have consistent income again uhhhh). if you read all this, holy shit. w h y would you do that. but also aw. hi. 

I love you, pls take care of yourself in 2021. you’re important. 

see you next year (lol)

- holly <3

[nico-idc]

random vent because i'm numb rn and feel like it

This is a vent post, ill probably talk about su!cide, self h*rm, eating disorders and depression. I’ll also cuss a lot, and things will not be censored. Also, this may seem insensitive to people experiencing any of this, sorry about that.  Dont read this if youre triggered by that.

Also, this is my experience with mental health. Everyone deals with it differently. 

So, If anyone doesnt know, I have depression and anxiety. And right now, I’m feeling numb as it’s often described by people with depression. But, numb isn’t a very good description. I can still feel. I’ll still smile if you tell me a joke, or if something funny is on a video. I’ll still cry if there’s something super sad. Emotion is just watered down. I feel it, but not as much as I should. Me and my boyfriend were talking, and i couldnt tell him I loved him. It’s not becuase I dont love him, but I just cant feel much of anything, so I dont want to tell him I loved him. Becuase If i did that, I felt as though I was lying. The funniest thing is, I randomly started crying. Still felt nothing, but hey, I had tears streaming down my face. Who fucking knows why. 

I havent been doing to great for a while now, but this is the worst i’ve ever gotten. Ive never felt numb before. I mean, I’ve felt myself starting to go through the motions, but i’ve never gone completely numb before. And before this i’ve had a few mental breakdowns. Hell, I’ve sat in a corner twice in the past month or so doing nothing but sobbing and begging myself not to move so I dont grab something sharp and cut myself. (I did not relapse, don’t worry). and recently I completely broke down over simply eating a cereal bar, got through it, ate it. I’m good now. 

Figures. That does seem to be my experience. Oh no, big bad issue one time, then magically I just talk myself out of my bullshit, and im fixed. Ha ha, yet I act like I have all these issues. I mean, I didnt even attempt to starve myself, just thought “oh, friends and family wont let me” and didnt. Had a breakdown about a year later, been fine since. Cut for a few months, went to therapy for a few months, stopped cutting. had a few breakdowns about a year or two later, then was fine. was suicidal for a while, went to therapy for a bit, was happy for months. Had breakdowns every now and then, fine now.

ha ha, first time I say alot of this is online. Figures. I’ve done that a lot too. My boyfriend has found out a bit about my depression through this site. Becuase I cant talk to my boyfriend about my shit, but hey random people on the internet! hear about my problems.

So on another note, I recently found a song that describes part of depression pretty well. It’s called “i’m not dead” by boyinaband. it’s linked below, I’ll copy paste the lyrics, and explain how I relate, and what the lyrics mean to me, becuase why not? (lyrics will be in bold)

I'm not dead

I'm not fixed, but I'm not giving up yet

Basically, this means that im still here, im still depressed, but I’m still trying to fight depression. 

I'm sick of saying that I still don't have anything done

I hate telling friends I'm trying something just to give it up

I never commit to anything, I just say I’ll do something, then decide I dont want to.

I'm still unsure of my emotional state

I'm still incapable of focusing lately

I don't feel like creating

I'm tired of asking Google how to find motivation

I’ve been on break from writing for months now. tried to get back to it, lost concentration. I think this is self explanatory. 

I don't think I've ever made

Something that's as good as I'm capable of

Ha, I dont put in enough effort and commitment to make something as good as possible.

I hate not having a reason to look my best

I only ever take care of myself with the intent to show the internet

I mean, I dont try to show the internet, but I only take care of myself when other people will see me.

If what made me successful was an imposed sense of stress then

I am so so glad that I hated myself

The only thing that makes me do things is extreme stress.

I didn't luck into this position

I struggle with decisions

I mean, im not in any high position, but I do struggle with decisions. 

I wouldn't be my own friend

I'm too inconsistent

I’m inconsistent as hell. I’m in like 10 group chats, don't talk in any of them for months, then just show up like “hi, havent talked to you all in ages, but hi”. 

Without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished

If these words make it to your ears it'll be a fucking miracle.

Yep. I went on  whole rant about this on wattpad. Without pressure to do something, I don’t do it.

I'm fortunate to know more good people than most do

I wish I had more friends I could be physically close to

I dont personally have a lot of friends that dont live in my city, so the last line isnt an issue, but I do know a lot of good people”

I'm pretty good at like 20 different skill sets

At the expense of never being great at any one of them

I’m good at quite a few things. Drawing, math, even writing. But im not great at it. I’m average.

I wish this beat hit harder

I wish more syllables rhymed

I know 99 percent of people really don't mind

I dont personally relate to this, seeing as I dont make music.

I think collaborating forced me to finish things

'Cause I was terrified of wasting famous people's time

Oh yeah. Group projects would not get done if i wasnt scared of wasting my partner’s time.

I wish I could focus on what I define priority

I wish I was as grateful as I want to be

Dont really relate to these things

I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable

But if I did,

I wouldn't let them waste their time on me while I'm disabled

Oh yeah. Id love to have a friend who isnt depressed, but I wouldnt let them see that im fucked up becuase i dont wanna drag them down.

I feel alone

I know I'm not

I have a lot of friends, but I still fell alone in this world

I used to talk to lots of people.

Lately I've stopped

They didn't deserve it,

I've been a terrible friend.

But I couldn't bear to let myself become boring to them

I ignore group chats all the time. no reason. Probably shouldnt. 

I don't let myself get my hopes up.

I love people who do.

Something good happens? what could go wrong? that is my thought precess.

I never know if what I say I feel is the truth

I have no damn Idea what I think, so its so hard to know what the truth in my head is.

I wish I didn't instinctively try to be less specific

So more people could relate, when they read along with the lyrics.

Not lyrics, but if i write/explain something, I immediately generalize things so its relateable.

I can be happy in the moment

I am not when I reflect

I smile watching youtube, but then I look back and think about how I wasted time.

I distract myself with gaming, waiting to get better

I hate it

Youtube will cure depression right? /s

I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt

But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

This is just an important phrase I try to remember when I’m down. for people who dont do well with metaphors, he’s saying that if you want to help people, you need to help yourself first. 

I can't predict what I'll do.

I can never be sure

I am terrified of making promises any more

I can't face my work,

I feel sick from the word

I genuinely believe I'm capable of changing the world

Don’t relate much here, except for the more positive, upbeat tone the song takes on, and i feel that this part, the part above and everything below is dave fighting his depression.

I still think I can get better

I’m holding onto hope.

I still think I can create and get pleasure from it

I hope so, I want my art and writing to improve.

I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree

The eternal stuggle. I always try to get the two to line up, it rarely works. I try to use logic more often though.

And become the best version of me

Always trying to improve myself.

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

There’s alot this could mean. I dont want to stop creating. I dont want to stop fighting. I dont want to stop getting better. I dont want to stop living. I relate to all these things.

I’ll expand on this more later, it’s too late now for me to continue this

[coridallasmultipass]

I kind of need to vent about something really personal here that’s been bothering me all day. Sorry to throw some really personal shit out, but my next therapy appointment is in a week, so! Earlier today my mom and I were driving through our little tourist town and we saw these little buggies and she told me they replaced the family bike carts (like a bicycle made for 4 people to ride around the tourist area of this part of town) with these electric buggies (buggys? Idk). And she mentioned how my dad (who passed away a few years ago, and was separated from my mom since i was a kid) used to work for them and got fired and arrested because of letting his friends use the carts for free. She said he called her to say he was fired, and immediately after the cops showed up. And my mom had to drive to an unfamiliar town to bail him out with Exact Change and it was a huge deal for her.

And i put on the brakes on the conversation real fast, like what??? The shop owners arrested A LITERAL KID for doing what kids do???? And my mom tries to backpedal mentioning loss of profits is basically theft and what-not. But im here thinking about how this town is a predominantly white vs native+mexican town, in the early 90s, with these old conservative white shop owners who are ALWAYS mean (i speak from experience and first hand accounts of friends that were unfortunate enough to have worked in these tourist boutiques), and theyre out here ARRESTING a native teenager for doing what literally any kid in that situation would do. Are you trying to tell me there werent any blatantly racist motives behind this arrest???? And i bring this up to her and shes just trying to change the subject but its REALLY bothering me. Like i knew the shop owners that are in town (though ive never been on the carts) are all mean and nasty through every situation, but hearing about this really makes me sick! Because if someones giving out freebies, you just fire them! Thats literally all you have to do!! Its not like these tourists/or his friends are running away with these HUGE bike carts!!!! My mom goes “they probably just wanted to teach him a lesson” EXCUSE ME?

My dad had a rough time his whole life with law enforcement, and at home, so im just sitting there imagining what if? What if he never got Arrested that day? What if he never had those charges against him follow him through the rest of his life? (Theres a three strikes rule!) If he had gotten a second chance (of sorts) if he were only fired rather than arrested. Would he have gone on to have better interactions in regards to the law? Would he have had less problems down the line if employers had shown him some human decency AS A LITERAL MINOR?

What do you fucking expect a teenager to do when you let them run a tourist shop!!!! Theyre fucking kids, it’s what they do!! All i can think of is that there had to have been some ulterior motives behind it, because i know literally all the shop owners are old conservative and teen-hating white people, and my dad, being an obviously native person must have struck the racist chord in that owners heart as soon as he made a mistake. And thats what it is! A mistake! Like, i cant speak for him, but i can speak as a former teenager. We all made mistakes, and if you didnt, then you need to go to therapy.

Theres a lot that upsets me still especially since hes not here anymore, and i have a hard time talking about native stuff with my mom who is white lmao. But growing up and seeing the people in this area for who they are inside is really upsetting, because as a kid, you dont see all the nuance and pattern behind stories like this. Even as a teenager, you dont realize a lot of this stuff until youre older, especially when your primary parents are white and conservative. So its just kind of painful as im older and remembering things like this happening and what they would have meant when i take in the full perspective. Even after i became a legal adult, i still had (and have) a lot to learn about the way the world works, and how much of a contrast there is with my opinions when I was say 16 versus now - seeming wildly different now that i have a bit more world-experience from moving out of this town for college before ultimately coming back now. (For reference im 26 now.) I know i wrote something on here about my experience being half white before, looking back at what i realized about myself and my family, so i just wanted to throw this on here as well, while its still bothering me, rather that forget about it by the time therapy day comes around. Bottom line? Teenagers are still kids. Give them room to grow.

[bethanyrob-archive]

Gym Time ll Beth & Ella

Discord thread featuring: Beth and @ella-isms

Mentions: @chxrityx @malakhai-ozera @ellicfm

When: The week after the Throuple Pride Party 

Description: Beth and Ella vent to each other at the gym

Trigger Warnings: mentions of past domestic violence

Ella.

whether she liked it or not, ella spent a lot of time in the gym. a certain body type was required for her profession and she had been keeping up on it for this long, couldn't just stop now. as if spending hours upon hours completing grueling variations in the studio wasn't workout enough? still the ballerina did what was expected of her. once she was changed into her gym clothes, the blonde headed to the gym and was actually, almost on time. ten minutes late. that wasn't so bad. not for ella at least. when she arrived she looked around for her friend and upon spotting her headed in that direction. "hey gorge."

Beth.

Beth was prompt as always, she was eager to start her workout anyway. It was unlike her to sit around all day doing nothing, but Ellie had had some free time lately and Beth was enjoying sitting around the house and spending more time with her little sister. She’d take any opportunity to head to the gym though, and it had been a hot minute since she had a good workout. Beth was in the middle of doing a warm up on the treadmill when she spotted Ella. “Hey!” She said, taking several deep breathes. She stopped the treadmill briefly before pulling Ella into a hug. “Thanks for suggesting this. I needed to get off my ass.” She laughed.

Ella.

with the amount of time she spent at this place they should probably start charging her rent. not that she would ever suggest such a thing. but a good portion of the time she did her workouts alone, so that she could get in the zone but once in  a while it was nice to have company. plus, she and beth could catch up. the blonde returned the hug "sorry im already fucking you all up," she chuckled, hopping onto the treadmill next to her. "you're most welcome. i like to think that im a good motivator," a smirk grew on her lips. "what have you been up to though? i feel like time passes and before i know it its been weeks since ive talked to you. sorry im such a flake."

Beth.

Beth shrugged and started to turn up the speed on the treadmill again. “No worries. I just started. I’m just glad you’re here. I need to know about your life.” She smiled as she started to jog. “The best.” She smiled. “I have been up to literally nothing. Just work. Oh, I got into a fight at the pride party a couple weeks ago. Not my finest moment. I will not be drinking like that again.” She said with a huff. “I’ve just been working though. The long hours make me so exhausted by the end of the day that I just want to go home and sleep.” She shook her head. “You’re not a flake. I’m worse than you. I promise. I’m such a recluse.”

Ella.

ella gradually turned up the speed on her treadmill, mostly to a light jog so that she could get her heart rate up while still talking, "how's work been?" she glanced at her friend. and then her brows raised "a fight? what like a fight fight? or an argument?" ella knew that if she meant an argument that's what she would have said. "a fight with who?! about what? details."

Beth.

“Work has been...well work.” She shrugged. “It’s still entry level. I’d really like to open a private practice one day instead of working in a hospital.” Even though Beth was smart, she still needed to work her way up go totem pole. She didn’t LOVE he job now, but she did love her career and field.  Beth laughed as she found her footing. “Like a fight fight. I don’t know if I ever told you about my old friend Charity? The one I fell out with? I was just way too drunk to handle myself and threw my drink at her...then it escalated from there.” Fighting was so unlike Beth but it really was the only interesting thing that happened to her in a while. “Ellie eventually pulled me off though and threw her own drink at her too. It was a great sister moment.” She chuckled.

Ella.

"Suppose it always is, isn't it?" the blonde asked, lifting her shoulders in a shrug. "you'll get there some day. you know its just having to do the grunt work first. it'll all pay off," she assured her with a smile. "no i dont think you ever did, but you're going to have to now. what happened with the falling out? and was that the reason for the fight? you threw your drink at her? shut up. i cant believe i missed that."

Beth.

The brunette nodded. She took several deep breathes as she started to feel her body aching from the run. Just a little bit longer for the warm up. She hated cardio and much preferred lifting. "it fucking better, eh?" She sighed again. "Well...I don't know if I told you this either but I was kind of in an abusive relationship back in Toronto. It's one of the reasons I came here...it wasn't just to get to know Ellie better." she began. "Basically Charity saw it for what it was almost immediately because she's honestly toxic as fuck...and it takes one to know one...if you know what I mean. Anyway, at the time I just thought she was jealous or something. So we fell out, and had it out at Throuple. But yeah..." she said as a smile appeared across her face. "it felt pretty damn good."

Ella.

“It will, all in due time,” Ella assured her as best as she could. “Oh shit...” she muttered as the story began and then she continued to listen to her friend. The blonde almost lost her footing getting lost in her own head because had some toxic behaviors herself. She shook her head to clear her mind of that, or at least attempt to. “So even though charity pointed it out to you at the time, she’s not really much better?” Regaining proper footing her glanced over “had it out because of what happened in the past? I guess you’re not in great terms now?” She lifted a brow “I bet it did. Have you ever tried boxing?” It was something Ella got into herself.

Beth.

Beth shook her head. "Yeah she's been the cause of a couple toxic relationships before...and I mean I stayed out of it and let her do her thing, and then she came in and tried telling me what to do. At the same, it was mostly him getting into my head about how bad of a friend she was." she sighed. "Maybe I should apologize." she said, looking straight forward. "No." she said, looking back over at her blonde friend. "There's boxing at this gym! Wanna give me a lesson?" she asked, hopefully.

Ella.

Sighing and shaking her head ella could sort of see the situation from both sides. “That seems like kind of a no win situation you know? I’m sure she was just trying to help but sometimes it hard to see that when you’re in it. Is apologizing and being friendly again something that you’re interested in doing?” Both brows raised and she grinned “you have to try it! And yes to both of those things. That’s what we’re doing next.”

Beth.

Beth shook her head. "You're right. We both kind of lost in that situation. It sucks especially considering that she was right about him after all." Beth shrugged. "I'm not sure if I'm interested in being friendly again with her to be honest...but i do feel like I need to get this off of my chest. It's been weighing on me, ya know?" Beth started turning the speed on her treadmill down. She could feel the beads of sweat collecting on her temples and her heart rate beginning to climb. "Consider me warmed up, then. I'm ready for a lesson, sensei."

Ella.

“People can get in your head for all kinds of different reasons. Sometimes it’s a good thing sometimes it’s not so great..” the blonde told her friend with a shrug. “Well maybe just say something along the lines of you’re sorry that things escalated that you didn’t mean for it to and that you hope you can at least be civil. Or something along those lines?” As they both slowed down the blonde grabbed her water bottle for a sip. “Let’s do this” hopping off the treadmill, Ella led Beth across the gym and into the room with the boxing equipment. “This is my second favorite stress reliever,” grabbing the tape she would wrap beths hands before helping her into the gloves. “Let’s see those hooks you know how to throw,” she smirked, grabbing the pads for her own hands to hold up for Beth.

Beth.

Beth smiled lightly to herself and nodded. Talking to Ella about this was therapeutic, and it was something she hadn't really said out loud to many people before. "Thanks, sorry for the word vomit." The brunette nodded. "Yeah, I don't have any interest in being friends really, but that might be a good thing to say. I just have to find a way to swallow my pride and suck it up and do it." Beth stepped off the treadmill and followed the blonde across the gym. "What's your first favorite?" he asked, raising her brow. Beth held her hands out for Ella to wrap them. This was something that was completely out of Beth's comfort zone, but she trusted Ella so she was actually pretty excited about this. Beth shook her head, but couldn't help but laughing at Ella's sarcastic comments. Beth took a deep breath, and eyed the pads on the other's hands. With her right hand, she took a swing and hit the pad - hard. "Oh!" Beth exclaimed. That felt good. She took another swing with her left arm and hit the other pad. "Damn." she mumbled.

Ella.

“No need to apologize, love!” The blonde assured the other girl. “I’m always here if you want to vent you know that.” She was glad that Beth unloaded what was on her mind, it was good to get that stuff off her chest. “Couldn’t hurt to just clear the air and move on from it,” Ella agreed with a nod of her head. Glancing over at the other Ella made a face as if she should already know the answer “orgasms,” she reminded her with a wink and a laugh. After clapping the two pads on her hands together Ella would hold them up, “alright, hit me.” She paused for a moment “well not me, the pads. You know what I mean.” She nodded and let Beth go at it holding the pads with some resistance “damn girl, you’re a hard hitter. Feels good though doesn’t it?”

Beth.

Beth smiled. This was why her friendship with Ella was so great. She was so easy to talk to and knew just what to say. Beth quickly turned her attention to the pads in front of her. It felt fucking great. To say the least. "Fuck, yes." Now she had remembered by she liked the feeling of fighting Charity at the pride party. After several solid swings, she felt herself working up a sweat. "Alright. Your turn. What do you need to vent about?" she asked her blonde friend, as she took a breather and a few sips from her water bottle.

Ella.

Ella was glad that once in a while her words and advice could be heeded because lord knew that she wasn’t great at taking her own advice. “I know running seems like it clears your mind and all, and don’t get me wrong, running is great once in a while but it’s got nothing on actually punching stuff, ya know?” She replied with a chuckle.  The blonde lifted her shoulders in a shrug and then sighed “I slept with my ex and it rekindled all kinds of fucking feelings that I have no idea what to do with.” Ella hated talking about her feelings “that about sums it up.” She hit the two pads together again and attempted to change the subject “go on, have another go” she held them up.

Beth.

Beth nodded. She loved running and the endorphins it gave off when she did. But this...well she may have just found her new favorite stress reliever. "Oh fuck.." Beth raised her brow. She was so taken aback that her stance weaken a little, but she quickly tensed up again so that she could throw another solid punch."Who's your ex? Do I knew him?" she asked curiously. Maybe she was being a little too snoopy but she genuinely wanted to know who this person was. "You wanna take some hits now?" she asked. "Kinda sounds like you need that."

Ella.

Working out was definitely a good stress reliever and Ella was glad that today she had a partner to do it with. “I literally couldn’t help it. It’s like. We’re like...” the blonde was struggling to find the right words, as usual “I don’t know. Like magnets or something , just “ she brought her two hands together in a quick fashion to make her point. “Mal-“ she was quick in correcting herself “Khai.” That’s what everyone else called him. And she was sure Beth probably knew of him it seemed like most people did that was part of why she had such difficultly in the first place. “It’s just complicated,” the dancer sighed. “May as well,” maybe hitting something would relieve whatever these emotions were that she had built up.

Beth.

Beth's jaw kind of dropped a little. It was clear that Ella's life was far more interesting than hers. Making out with exes was something that Beth didn't do frequently...well..making out with anyone was something she didn't do a lot anymore. She had become a bit of recluse since she broke up with her abusive ex. Beth thought for a moment. She had heard his name around but never really met him. "I know of him, but I don't think I've ever actually met him." she reported. "How is it complicated exactly? Tell me all the tea." she joked, as she motioned for her friend to hold out her hands so she can wrap them for her.

Ella.

Ella sighed noticing her friends reaction, she probably would have had a similar one had the tables been turned. “My impulse control has always been shit, but my self control around him is literally non existent,” she explained. “And isn’t that complicated enough in itself?” Part of her was sort of relieved that Beth didn’t know him it meant she didn’t have any preconceived notions of the situation. “We were together for like two years. And we were doing this like, open relationship thing, which was so stupid because we both hated the thought of each other with anyone else. Then he wanted to get married, and proposed, and I totally freaked because.... well for a lot of reasons, and I left.” Ella held her hands out, “and I shouldn’t have. Because now everything’s all fucked up.”

Beth.

Beth laughed as her friend admitted to being weak around her ex. Beth could empathize. She had no idea what she would do if she saw her ex from Toronto in New York. "That's very fair." she mused. Beth shook her head. "Open relationships never work for that reason. My theory is that if you love someone you'd be committed enough to them to sleep with them and only them." she said, wrapping her friend's hands like she did for her. "Jesus, you were engaged? she questioned. She couldn't imagine being engaged at such a young age, then again, she hadn't met anyone she'd be willing to marry like that. "So you broke up with him and regret it I'm gathering?" she asked, putting the pads on her hands.

Ella.

Weak was probably the understatement of the century, but Ella couldn’t think of a more fitting word at the moment. “Yeah you’re right...” she agreed with a nod, what she said about open relationships was completely accurate. “Neither of us really wanted the relationship to be open.. I just.. I don’t know why I went with it. I guess I thought in a way it was protecting myself, like I had a fall back plan keeping someone else waiting in the wings just in case...” it made her sound like such a shitty person and the more she spoke the worst she felt. “I wasn’t engaged ... I just said he proposed... I ... i didn’t say yes.” Closing her eyes briefly she shook her head with a sigh.

Beth.

Beth furrowed her brow. The whole relationship sounded a little strange, then again she didn't have the best track record. "Sounds a little toxic?" she questioned, unsure if she was using the right word. "Good thing you didn't say yes because honestly that could have opened a whole other can of worms." she smiled, sympathetically. "Could've been worse, Ella." she told her. "Have you guys talked since?"

Ella.

Ella was unfortunately acutely aware that she had been the toxic one in the relationship and it wasn’t something she was proud of. “Of it could have ended up being just the two of us happily ever after,” of course it was impossible to be sure about that but she could still assume it might have turned out that way. “Since we slept together? Yeah. We’re still... talking about where to go from here I guess. Taking it slow...” shaking her head she sighed again “and it’s scary as fuck to be honest.”

Beth.

"Maybe..." she trailed off, even though she wasn't too convinced of it herself. But it wasn't her relationships so who was she to judge? She raised her brow, curiously. "Are you still in love with him?" she asked, a mischievous glimmer in her eye.

Ella.

Ella shot her friend a look, she could tell by the way she let her sentence trail off that she didn’t believe that would be the case. Hitting her gloves together the blonde would throw her punches at the pads, not nearly as hard as she would normally, this was all about easing Beth in after all. “Completely,” she admitted with a sigh “I don’t really know how to handle it. Help me!” She laughed.

Beth.

Beth jumped a little when Ella hit the pads, not really expecting that she would have to really hold her stance if Ella wasn't going to knock her on her ass. She tightened up a little, flexing her muscles for a more sold stance. "Girl, I am the last person that should be giving out relationship advice." she admitted with a tiny laugh. "But if I were to give you some advice from the little I know about the situation...It sounds like you can do way better. If the rumors I've heard about Khai is true, then he's got a lot of his own shit he needs to work on."

Ella.

Ella was trying not to go with her usual force but that was also hard to do when there was something on her mind, too. “Clearly I’m not great in relationships either.” She took a few more hits putting more thought into the force behind them this time so it’s wasn’t overbearing “we’ve all got our own shit though don’t we?”

Beth.

"We can get shit at them together then." she admitted, holding her stance for Ella. "Yeah, I guess. But that doesn't mean we need to bare others' as well. Sometimes we gotta just focus on helping ourselves, eh?"

Ella.

“I’m already shit at them!” Ella said with a laugh and a shake of her head. “But isn’t that sort of what you do when you love someone? Take the good with the bad?”

Beth.

Bethany thought about how we're supposed to love the good and the bad about the people you're with. Beth did that. She loved the good and the bad about her ex, and gave him several chances to fix the bad. "Sometimes the good out weighs the bad.." she paused. She didn't want to be a downer on during their gym session. "But ya know...I'm sure Khai was worth it." she mused.

Ella.

“Sometimes it does...” letting out a sigh she could feel her shoulders sinking down some. “I know I probably need to just stop talking about it because I don’t know what will come of it. It’s just like... it consumes my fucking mind, I don’t know what to do.”

Beth.

Beth huffed. "Working out helps." she told her. "I also heard there's a great therapist around here." she suggested. "But you can always talk to me about it, yeah?" she smiled over at her friend.  "How about we get some food? I'm starving."

[sxyurii]

Hey, I've been your follower for years now and recently I've been through a breakup and I saw your post about it and I feel really sad I don't know how to move on and I just wanted to ask could u give some tips 😢❤❤❤ Love you and your blog so much!!! Sending you much love

Omg hi angel!!! 💕 im really sorry to hear that :( It sucks but we gonna get thru this baby

This will be a long post but also for anyone whos going thru a breakup rn, I'll type out everything that I wish someone told me before 😂

HOW TO WIN A BREAKUP

Ok so im gonna put shit that I know from expierence and as a psychology major so we have some gold hacks here on getting over a breakup 😏 First, I've personally had like quiete few breakups and honestly that FIRST ONE is ALWAYS the worst. If this is ur first breakup im rly sorry but its gonna suck for a while LMAO just remember that first one is the most painful but once you get over it its like antidote for life. No breakup will hurt that much as far as I know. Now lets start. U broke up youre sad, alone, crying, now what?

1. Call your friends. ALL OF THEM. I always felt my breakups before they happened and with this recent one I summoned all of my friends and they were all there with me before and after it happened. Venting helps and emotional support will be the first thing here. You are very vulnerable and sensitive right now and your emotions are all over the place probably. You're sad, angry, confused you wanna kill him all of that shit and having people there with who you can let out all those emotions is SO SO SO important i cant stress it enough. Dont bottle emotions D O N T its tempting but its toxic as fuck and it prolongs the healing. Buy junk food, have girls night, cry to your friends and talk about it until you don't feel need to anymore, cry more. Use all emotional support u can get, ur girls got u. BONUS TIP therapy helps alot. Ive been to therapy to help me sort my emotions out and its been super helpful. Remember also friends arent therapists, sometimes a professional help to guide thru emotions is the good choice too.

2. DELETE EVERYTHING you have that reminds you on them. I personally dont have hard time with it I know some people do but its also one of the most toxic things. Delete the pictures, chats, unfollow them block them even if u have to, mute, delete the songs that remind u of them. Literally erase their existence from your life. Due our brain not knowing difference between someone breaking up w us and someone dying pain we feel is intense and gets to point we feel physical pain. Memories trigger emotional responses and keep opening the wound. You need to heal. Patch it and let it heal. Dont poke it by seeing still things that remind u of them.

3. dO NOT STALK THEIR SOCIAL MEDIA. DONT DONT DONT. ITS LIKE DRINKING POISON EXPECTING THEM TO DIE??? What you could possibly find that will make u feel better??? Them posting that they miss you and want u back??? Nah sis, social media presence of people is so biased and its SO EASY to fake anything. You can misinterpret alot and you might also see stuff that will hurt u. Some of my exes (idk abt this last one tho bc I never stalked his social media since we broke up and im super proud on it) would post stuff that they know would hurt me or make me jealous or just some shady shit and you dont want to go in a place where u know someone just wants to hurt u. You are better than that. Protect your mental peace at all costs.

4. Journal. With this recent breakup I wrote like alot about it, i took my emotions and wrote paaaages. Let it all out. Draw abt it. Find ways to turn your pain in art.

5. DONT TEXT YOUR EX. CUT THEM OFF. its the best for you. You cant heal in a place you got hurt. If you wanna text them handle phone to ur best friend. I know whenever you are alone u will feel so lonely but trust me better call your friend than hit up ur ex LMAO We all still think we want our ex back even some time after breakup. We tend to idealize our exes in our heads and remember only the good times and stuff and then its just painful illusion. I know i did that alot with my exes so with this last one i decided to prevent it. Best way for that was to make a list of all the things he did that would hurt me, make me sad or mad and that i just didnt like abt him. Whenever I would feel im thinking I miss him I would read that list and see he wasnt so good and there was a reason that relationship ended. It will come to point u will see you werent happy and you will be slowly letting it go. He aint shit trust me.

6. Usually it takes 3 weeks for the worst symptoms of breakup to subdue bc our neurotransmitters need to balance again. Love is a drug and breakup is like withdrawal from cocaine addiction. Your body and mind will go through symptoms same as cocaine addict. Remember to be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. I know for me issue was I would be like "get over it" and not allow myself to be hurt abt it. Be kind, you are going though huge emotional trauma and you deserve all the time and space to be hurt and feel it. Feelings are like visitors, you just have to accept them with out resistance and let them pass. Acceptance is the key.

7. Focus on yourself. You were so used on putting effort and energy into that person. Take all of that energy and put it back in YOU. Be selfish. Treat yourself. Date yourself. Write things you love about yourself. Rediscover your passions. Focus on school. On your beauty. dYE UR HAIR DO A TATTOO DO UR NAILS DO A FACEMASK PLAY SONGS SINGING HOW EXES AINT SHIT Fall in love with yourself. This is something that you will be ready to do when you processed all the emotions in healthy way.

8. Idk did i forget something but just to add this. "This too shall pass". You will heal. You will mend. Never close your heart to love again. You deserve love and one day you will have it. Dont let your pain make you push love away. Breakups are extremely good for self growth and be grateful for it because trust me you will grow so much and you will learn so much about yourself.

I hope I helped at least a bit 💕 I keep feeling like I forgot something but know that you and anyone can always hit me up in DMs and ask for help. Im always open to help anyone and dont hold back. Im sending you so much love honey 💖💖💖💖💖

[scara-smooches]

im just gonna vent a little bit, sorry mobile users.

 its personal, probably tmi, nsfw, but its just bothering me a lot. 

i dont know how much was taught to me and how much is my own ideology that i’ve constructed, but up until this past half year or so ive been completely sex repulsed, in every aspect. i still am in regards to irl, but i am exploring those feelings in fiction now. 

i used to vehemently suppress my sexual thoughts bc it just felt wrong, like i was stooping to a lower level. it was disgusting, morally wrong, dirty, that kind of thing. I know most people see sex as a natural thing that everyone eventually becomes interested in, but that was never the case with me. my upbringing wasn’t extremely religious, but it led me to pick up the idea that sexuality must not be discussed with anyone, ever. it was just a bad, forbidden thing. So, i do still identify as ace/aro. However, falling back in love with my current f/o seemed to be a catalyst for a huge change in my state of mind.

Due to my previously stated issues, it pains me to say that s.caramouche has literally been my sexual awakening. Ugh, that burned my fingertips to type out, but there it is. I’m in a better state of mind than i was at the beginning of this year, but i just don’t know where to go from here. There’s so many factors swirling around in my brain causing me a lot of inner turmoil if i sit and think too much on it, which i have been tonight. hence, this post. 

I’m at the point where i accept that i think these things, have these feelings towards him, fantasize about him. there’s still a voice from the back of my mind that looks at my thoughts and says “youre still this hung up on a cartoon character?” “do you know how weird this makes you?” ...stuff along those lines. That voice has gotten quieter, but another has spoken up. 

I want to put these feelings somewhere. Drawing and writing out what’s in my head is like pouring out those thoughts so my headspace has more...space, right? I have an entire filled up sketchbook dedicated to s.caramouche that is the result of me needing to empty out my thoughts so i dont die, and me needing more content of him since there is so little. Now that I’m facing the things i’ve been holding down for so long, i’ve hit a block. It’s not just a block for nsfw things, its just a bigass block for all art related things. It’s like ive run out of ideas. 

In reality, i know i’ve opened a whole new book of many many ideas. i want to write x readers, i want to draw spicy things of me and him. i have already, but now that i’m allowing myself to think sexual things, my headspace is full of it and i’m overwhelmed. i just dont know what to do. my therapist says that i just need time and self compassion, and my friends say to keep trying to draw and write and be as self indulgent as i want. i agree with both! but it’s tough. 

The voice in my head now says “why cant you do anything? just draw!” “talk to your friends they will understand!” “expression is the only way to get rid of your insecurity/embarrassment!” yeah, i hear you, voice. But now what i’m worried about is what people will think of me if i open up about this stuff. This isn’t who i was, i’m turning into a gross creep. I can’t talk about this to anyone, i can’t let people know i’m struggling with such a strange, deeply personal and kinda disgusting problem! 

If i reach out to strangers, they get the first impression of me being nasty. If i reach out to close friends, they learn that im nasty after a long time of being cool with me. i just have nowhere to go with this stuff and it’s weighing down on me. that’s why im posting this on the internet for strangers to read! yay! 

Joining this community was my pledge to myself that i’d share about f/o stuff and make friends and be confident in myself, but i’ve just stayed uptight about it while reblogging memes. After being a pretty much sfw blog, i kinda feel bad tarnishing that, even though i’ve had that warning there the entire time. I’m just, stuck.

If you read all of that and made it here, thanks. Sorry you gotta know that about me now, lol 

[softerpeaches]

this post is probably gonna get too real for a post about a total drama character but im gonna get deep with my girl courtney for a second if yall dont mind?

slightly tw stuff ahead

i usually mention when i talk about courtney being my favorite that it's because i said at the time (of me being like 7-8 yrs old) she was a character that looked like me and i was like woah!! not a lot of cartoon characters look like me!!! thats so cool!!!

but rewatching the seasons now that im older i think a lot of my personality in itself fits into her character? mainly season one courtney, yall im not that wild!!!

but especially watching her get stressed over things not being a certain way, or if they arent the way she pictured it being then it wouldnt work for her at all. her being so frustrated and down on herself that she needed to physically inflict pain on herself just to punish herself for not being good enough (or just being angry and not wanting to take it out on her surroundings - which obviously isnt much of an issue for her in later seasons since she starts wrecking stuff if it's in her path of anger but yknow, the point still remains)

i relate to a lot of that?? and like especially the stress and anxiety of not being good enough or being disappointed in myself for not meeting a certain standard that i made for myself.

ive been doing that ever since i was little, and even seeing little courtney hitting herself just to stay up during naptime?? no babey!!!! you dont gotta do that!!!! but it's something i felt personally towards because when i was little i had been the same way.

i didnt want to share things, when i was determined to do something and failed (or started failing) id go off and hurt myself in various ways (i.e slap myself, punch myself, pull my own hair, punch my thighs, throw myself down to the floor, wack my head against things - up until the point of being bruised) and this is all stuff i still do to this day. of course its never been seen of courtney reaching that level of intensity, but just the general concept of hitting herself is what im getting at.

and i think thats a thing i felt myself relating to courtney was the fact that we handled our stress and disappointment the same way from a young age and it's a weakness we surely wouldn't let anyone else willingly see.

im sorry that was so long!!! it was sort of just a relevation that hit me a little while ago and sort of needed to vent it out uwu✨