#sorry i just expect the worst but have you seen how any game with trans rep has been eviscerated lately

[icharchivist]

QUEEN. QUEEN QUEEN QUEEN QUEEN!!!!!!!!

[cockroachmotherfucker10]

PRIDEFALL UPDATE: real or fake?

What is Pridefall?

Operation Pridefall, also known as Project Pridefall or simply Pridefall, refers to an attack planned by /pol/ (a political discussion board on the anonymous website 4chan) for all of June, AKA Pride month. The original 4chan thread, which has since been deleted, was primarily focused on “redpilling,” i.e. spreading queerphobic propaganda to make people question the LGBTQ+ community. However, now that it has spread outside 4chan, there are threats of harassing, doxxing, and outing queer people (especially minors) on social media, spamming gore and rape videos in private messages and Pride tags, and even kidnapping, assaulting, or killing queer people in real life.

Specific targets include Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, and dating apps. The goal is to go after smaller accounts so the queerphobia isn’t lost in the comments.

Is Pridefall real?

Yes and no.

I searched “pridefall” on 4chan last night. Apparently any new threads on it are being deleted, and anytime someone mentions it, everyone calls them slurs and says no one is doing it.

However, Pridefall is gaining some traction on Instagram--I have seen it for myself. I don’t have TikTok or any dating apps, but I’ve heard that some people are spamming homophobia on TikTok. As for Twitter, I only looked briefly, but I saw some Pridefall accounts there, as well as a lot of warnings and blocklists from people who are worried about it.

I’ve also heard that there have been a few Reddit and Discord raids, and that there is an Operation Pridefall Discord server (someone who spied on them says they have been banned on Discord as well as a platform called Riot before, so very few people are left on the Discord server now).

What do you think, Lia?

This is not coming from 4chan. No one on 4chan is interested anymore.

Most likely, people outside of 4chan heard about it and decided to take matters into their own hands.

The original 4chan thread wanted to make Pridefall “normie-palatable” by avoiding Nazi imagery or other overt unpleasantness, but I have seen a LOT of both on Instagram. This reinforces my belief that 4chan isn’t doing this.

A lot of the people behind this are young, or at least unsophisticated. Most of the Pridefall accounts on Instagram engage in very childish trolling, and one of them said they were a minor. Some of the threats I’ve seen are so outlandish that I can only imagine they came from a fairly young person.

My guess? Most of these people are around 13-19.

There are also very few of them and some of them probably have multiple accounts. Anti-Pridefall accounts outnumber them by far.

However, on Instagram I’ve seen Pridefall accounts following each other and commenting on each other’s posts, so there may be a few groups working together.

A lot of this shit is going to get deleted. I know Instagram is working through reports very slowly right now because they have fewer people available due to COVID-19, but most of the worst accounts I saw last night were deleted by this morning. I saw some more accounts deleted today.

Most, if not all, of these Pridefallers are just trying to scare us. Because they’re probably quite young, there’s very few of them, their accounts keep getting deleted, and law enforcement can track online activity, there is no way they have the balls or resources needed to coordinate major attacks.

There is a very, very slight chance this could spill over into real life, but as long as you practice basic online safety, you will be fine.

That being said, if you are threatened or doxxed by a Pridefall account, PLEASE contact the police. Better safe than sorry.

I do think that the threat of being doxxed or outed is more real than the threat of being attacked. I have already seen one Pridefall account who posted a trans boy’s address on Instagram (he is okay, he posted recently) and another who posted someone else’s address.

There is little chance this will last throughout Pride month. Apparently the goal is for Pridefall to worsen until the end of June, but given that this is most likely just some vastly outnumbered teenage trolls who are bored in quarantine, I seriously doubt they’ll be able to stay interested for a whole month.

This might not be as big on Tumblr. Tumblr is a lot more anonymous than, say, Instagram, which will hopefully deter would-be doxxers. It’s also known to be a highly liberal and queer-friendly site, so any Pridefaller with half a brain cell should know that A) their content is sure to be outnumbered and reported (only us Tumblr users know how bad staff is at deleting questionable stuff), and B) anyone with the original goal of “redpilling” is sure to fail here. Plus, I only remember seeing few, if any, mentions of Tumblr on Pridefall planning threads.

Still, expect to see some Pridefall activity here. Unsurprisingly, not all of these Pridefallers have half a brain cell. Some of them will definitely be unable to resist the lure of a community as openly queer as Tumblr, and we’ve all seen or heard about doxxing, harassment, gore, Nazis, and queerphobes on here. Also, 4chan has historically had some beef with Tumblr, so young teenage boys who idolize 4chan may target us for that reason.

How can I stay safe?

If you have any social media accounts where you A) have posted identifying personal information, and B) are openly supportive of the LGBTQ+ community (especially if you’re queer yourself), put them on private for June. Any other accounts are probably fine to stay public.

If you need a private Tumblr, you can make a password-protected secondary account and only share the password with mutuals you trust.

It is probably okay to be openly queer on a private account (e.g. have pronouns/rainbow emojis in your Instagram bio), since a private account is not likely to be doxxed. But if you want to be extra careful, remove queer identifiers from anything that is publicly visible.

Use Pridefall blocklists. They’re all over Instagram and Twitter. I may repost some here.

Report any Pridefall accounts you see. This is VERY important because this is how we can actually get rid of Pridefall content.

DON’T RESPOND TO ANY PRIDEFALLERS WHO PERSONALLY INTERACT WITH YOU. I know it’s tempting to give a snarky reply, but if they message you, comment on your post, etc, just block them. Seriously, don’t feed the trolls. It's exactly what they want.

Make sure your password game is strong. Use a different password for every site (I know, I know, it sucks), and use passwordmeter.com to test their strength. Write them all down on a piece of paper.

Make sure your username game is strong. Don’t use the same username for multiple sites, and avoid putting personal information in your username, such as your name or birthday.

Do NOT open random links!! Pridefallers could message you links that will give you viruses or track your IP address.

Don’t accept DMs or follows from people you don’t know. Pridefall accounts don’t always look like Pridefall accounts. Some of them are undercover.

Use a VPN. This is probably a little overkill unless you’re particularly at risk of being doxxed, but it will hide your IP address.

Be careful who you interact with. A lot of queer people on Instagram are DMing Pridefall accounts or commenting on their posts, but this could make you a target. As helpful as anti-Pridefall accounts are, you might even be targeted for following those.

Be wary of Pride tags. Unfortunately, a lot of Pridefall accounts plan to infiltrate tags commonly used by queer creators during Pride month. Use discretion when looking for queer content.

Be safe IRL. Lock your doors, lock your windows, be aware of your surroundings, don’t walk alone in poorly lit places, know basic self-defense, etc. Again, I absolutely do not think people will be attacked in real life, but you should be doing this shit all the time, not just in June. Thanks to COVID-19, you’re safer inside anyway!!

Make yourself hard to dox. Even though I have a very unusual first name (it's not really Lia), I am extremely hard to find online. I just went into an incognito browser window and searched my first and last name in quotation marks, but I didn’t find myself until page 4 of Google (and that result wasn’t even posted by me). I’m only half as careful as I could be, but here’s some of the things I do:

-I never use a picture of myself as my profile pic, except for Facebook and Instagram, which are both on the highest privacy settings possible.

-If I post identifying information on a public account (my college, my age, etc), I use a pseudonym or my first name only.

-On Instagram, I only use my first name, and I used special characters to type it, so you won’t find me if you search my name.

-On Facebook, I only accept friend requests from people I know. Most, if not all, of my Instagram followers are IRL friends, friends of IRL friends, and trusted Internet friends.

-If I’m really being paranoid, I’ll make a brand-new email account to sign up for a site. That way, my accounts aren’t all linked through one email address.

-Before I post a picture online, I delete the EXIF data with verexif.com, since EXIF data can hold GPS coordinates.

🌈 Stay safe, everyone.

You will not be harmed. You will be okay. Like cockroaches, we are survivors, and we will get through this!! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

-Mod Lia

[forkanna]

[AO3] [WATTPAD]

After a few fluffy pleasantries were exchanged, some cutesy things for their new fans, Rise bid her lady love farewell and went back to class. The rest of the day, she doodled in her notebook a few thoughts about the situation, trying to make sense of everything that happened. All in all, she was more or less satisfied with the results, even though she desperately regretted that they had to arrive there through such a rocky avenue.

Once she stepped outside, she barely had enough time to start fishing in her bag for an umbrella before one appeared over her head, blotting out the rain. She looked over to see Ai smiling serenely down at her.

"Awwwww," a chorus of girls from nearby cooed as the two headed off toward Inaba together. The boys around them mostly just looked confused.

Walking in silence with her arm hooked through Ebihara's was the nicest thing she had felt in a long time. If only it would last… but Rise knew better. Being right didn't make it any less hard to take.

"Let go of me," Ai growled when they were alone.

"Aww, c'mon," she purred in an unctuous voice, only tightening her hold on that arm. "We still make an adorable couple. And you know this still feels good."

"I ought to punch your lights out for what you did to me today. How could you out me in front of that whole crowd? Again?"

"What?! I didn't! In fact, I specifically saved you from being outed — they were going to lynch you, and somebody would have knocked your towel off!"

"That isn't- do you really expect me to believe that's the reason you did all that?"

It was, actually. "Of course not. Not all of it, not the only reason. But it's why I sped things up and jumped in when I did. I didn't want…"

Ai let out a bone-weary sigh. "Fine. Doesn't matter, the damage is done. Thank you very much, you cunt."

"Oooh, ouch." They were both quiet for a minute. "What do you mean, I outed you again? I didn't even out you on purpose the first time, and I specifically stopped anybody from finding out this time. Kind of self-destructed my career to do it."

"Oh please, your career was going nowhere. This isn't going to change that. And I didn't mean outing me as trans; I meant outing me as bisexual."

"What? Oh… well I did it to myself, too. You didn't leave me any choice! Do you not remember the part where I begged you to just let me walk away?"

"That's not the point! You made that choice, just like you made the last choice! It was all you! How do you not see why I'm pissed at you for taking away all my options?!"

"FINE!" When that word echoed off the nearby buildings, they both ducked their heads and tried to do a better job of keeping their voices down. "Fine. I'm a huge moron, I do everything wrong, I just mess everything up for poor you."

Ai snorted. "If you're waiting for me to disagree with you, you're going to have a long wait."

"But now you're stuck with me. At least for a little while. Maybe in a week or two, we can stage some big breakup — one where you're wearing all your clothes, and you could get away from me, and spend the rest of your life thinking I'm the worst person on Earth. But until then, it's me and you, so you're just going to have to make the best of it."

This silence was a lot longer. Both of them resented each other, and resented that they still cared about each other despite the damage they were causing. It wasn't until they were walking past the Shiroku store that Ai suddenly seemed to find her voice.

"Crappy as you're being toward me… I have to admit, I'm impressed. You got really conniving in that locker room."

"Yeah, well, you didn't leave me much choice," Rise sighed as she watched the clouds for a moment. "I can't let you run me out of my own hometown, or destroy my whole career. And making life miserable at school was just really getting old."

"Oh." When Rise turned to look at her, Ai shrugged. "Sorry. I don't know how, but I forgot this is your hometown. Probably because you were too busy slutting it up all over Japan to come back until last year."

"Oh yeah, slutting it up. The total virgin."

"You are not. I don't buy that at all; I never really did."

"Oh well," she sighed with a shrug. "Guess you'll never find out now, since you hate me so much."

"Oh yeah? Wait…" Ai brought them to a stop in the middle of the street, near the old Tatsuhime Shrine. "Did you think… I was going to stick my dick in you?"

Rise winced. Hard. She felt an odd chill run through the back of her knees at the directness of the language. "Do you have to be so vulgar? I mean, wow, you could use a little tact!"

"You did. You thought we would be each other's firsts. Awww, that's so cute!"

"Hey, I did not think that far ahead! And I always thought Yu-kun would be… my…"

That one still hit them both hard enough that the ire faded immediately. Seemed that despite all their best intentions to move on with life, they were still two women who carried a torch for a boy that had always been bound for greener pastures once his parents returned from overseas.

"That… can be what you give me."

"What?"

Ai turned to look at her coldly, directly. "Give me Narukami-kun."

"EXCUSE ME?!" she burst out, eyebrows shooting sky high. In the corner of her vision, she saw a little fox wearing some kind of bandana start and rush into the bushes. "Are you crazy? You think I'm just going to-"

"It's really simple. You and I take care of this breakup thing. Then, once I graduate, I'll chase after Narukami; we'll go to the same college. It'll be perfect. You're a year younger, you can't even try the same thing. And if you give me that… I'll consider us square. I will actually forgive you for trying to out me the first time, and for whatever the hell just happened in the locker room. Totally square on all fronts."

Rise couldn't even form a response. That was crazy. No, it was more than that. "Are you that disgusting?"

"What now?" Ai fired up. "Disgusting?!"

"Yeah! For thinking you can just say that Yu-kun is yours without even asking him!"

"God, you're such a goody-goody," she groaned with a huge roll of her eyes. "I meant, you will take yourself out of the running. Obviously I won't want to hang onto him if he's not interested anymore! But if it's between you and me for him, which it was looking like before…"

"Then you're the one, because I'm off the list." Sighing, she pinched the bridge of her nose while Ai smirked triumphantly. "That isn't… I mean, I can't really agree to that. If he comes after me, I'm going to let him. He deserves to be happy. But…"

"But?" she asked swiftly.

"But I will not chase him anymore. That is the best I can promise."

"You'll… really do it? Wow, I thought you had more fight in you."

"Oh, you have no idea," she grunted, and Ai snorted. "But I also know I really messed up. You won't believe me that it was an accident; okay, I can't help that. But I still should do what's right and try to make it up to you."

The prissy girl pursed her lips as she shook her head. "You always sound like you're in front of a fucking camera." But when Rise just shrugged and looked down at the ground, she didn't follow it up with another snide comment. Just started walking again in silence.

They made it all the way to Rise's before they seemed to realise what they were doing. Ai cleared her throat as she led them up to the door. And she couldn't resist. "What, were you waiting for a goodnight kiss?"

"For your adoring public? Pass." Then she sighed. "I was trying not to let you get rained on. Hurry up."

"Okay." Though she did hesitate. So many things she wanted to say… but now wasn't the time. As defeated as she felt, she had to convince herself that there would be more chances to patch things up if she didn't foul this one up by pushing. "Thanks."

"Yeah, whatever. Go."

And that was that. Except Rise knew, deep down, it wasn't. They would have more chances to do something besides snipe at each other ceaselessly. It was all she had to hang onto for now.

                              ~ o ~

"So wait… I don't get it."

"Neither do I," Rise sighed into the phone as she sorted through her clothes. "But like, do you mean you don't get it at all? Because I can explain it again if you need-"

"No, no, let me try." Chie's tinny voice took a deep breath. "You basically forced him to play a big game of chicken. Either he cops to the fact that you two have been screwing with each other, and he's been playing all these shitty pranks, or he has to spend time with you and like, you can maybe patch things up?"

"Youuuu got it. Oh — this one's cute, I forgot about this." She hung the garment over the closet door.

"Man, that is twisted. But he really said that if you back off Narukami he would forgive you?"

"She did."

"And you believe him?"

That pronoun thing was really starting to get on her nerves. "Chie… can you do me a big favour? Stop calling her 'him'."

"What? But… you told us he's a guy under all that makeup."

"It's disrespectful. She wants to be seen as a girl."

"Well… maybe he shouldn't be a dick to you. That kinda goes with the dick he has in-"

"Chie…" Rise wasn't even entirely sure why her blood was boiling over this so much. Especially when it wasn't like Ai had been entirely respectful to her. But she did know that she couldn't focus on the topic of discussion if she had to keep mentally correcting Chie.

"Okay, okay, geeze. It's not like I meant anything by it."

"I know. Just try? Pretty please?" Rise cleared her throat. "Anyway, yeah, I do believe her. But I'm not stupid. I know this could just be some kind of trick to one-up me again. Like, she still sees it all as a big game to win, and… I don't like it but I can't stop her."

"Right. So he's- she's willing to blow your friendship to kingdom come, and for what? The win? Bragging rights? That's so… depressing."

"She really thinks we hurt her. On purpose. And the more I think about it, the more I get it."

"Well, I don't! We were supposed to be her friends!"

"Her friends have betrayed her before. Back in her old school, they all said she was a gross pig, and disgusting, and… and all that other stuff. And here we act like we'll be her friends, but the minute we find out she's a little different, what do we do?"

There was an annoying groan on the other end of the line, preceding a sigh. And then… "We blabbed it all over school. You're right, I'm… we all sucked. But doesn't he know it was an accident by now? You told him, right?"

"Told her, yeah."

"Fuck. But yeah, so like, what more does h- she want from us? To make a public apology during the morning announcements?"

"Well…" Rise dropped the capris in her hands. "Whoa. Actually, that might be a great idea."

"HUH?! H-hey, come on, I was just messing around! I couldn't do that, you know how I get stage fright!"

"No, no, listen. Not what you said exactly, but… I think you and the others could apologise to her. I have, and that's important since the whole thing is my fault for blabbing in the first place. But I think if we all told her we were sorry for spreading it around…"

Chie didn't answer right away. Rise had enough time to put half of her clothes away before she breathed, "Okay… I don't like it, because it still feels like I didn't do anything wrong. But seeing how it turned out kinda does say otherwise, doesn't it?"

"A little bit."

"Yeah. Copy that, I'm… me and Yukiko are in. I'm sure she would have done it without even putting up a fight. And I can call Yosuke and bully him into agreeing."

"Thanks," Rise laughed as she flopped down on her bed. "Now… what do I wear on my date?"

"Yeah, I dunno. Wait — your what?!"

                              ~ o ~

Her date. With Ai Ebihara.

Now that the entire school was gossiping about how two of its prettiest girls were dating each other instead of the most eligible bachelors at Yasogami High, it was put up or shut up time. Which meant they had to be a couple as visibly as possible or be exposed as a sham. They had thought about simply being cutesy around school, but that could have the unpleasant side effect of getting them in trouble with the staff; they frowned upon public displays of affection. So they settled upon a little flirting and winking in the hallways, and going out to Aiya afterward.

Which was all Ai would talk about on the phone. No deep reflections on how they had hurt each other, no attempts to patch things up; just business. Which was funny, considering their "business" was pretending to patch things up. What a disaster. But Rise tried not to let it get to her; there would be plenty of time to improve this situation if she paid attention for opportunities.

Flirting and winking was easy, because it was brief. They both had some experience with acting; Rise professionally, and Ai in terms of learning a completely new set of outward responses and behaviours. That was another realisation she came to with all that free time apart from Ai. How hard must it be to learn how to be a boy all your life, then realise you aren't one, and have to start over from scratch? She had been about a dozen years behind the other girls her age at that point. No wonder she spent so much time poring over fashion magazines, exhibiting typical bitchy queen behaviour. She had to cram a lot into six short years.

"Well, are you ready, girl?" Ai said with a convincingly enraptured smile.

"Mmhmm!" Bounding over, she wrapped both arms around one of hers. Clinging. That was going to be her thing; since Ai was taller, she would be the 'girl', right? "Let's go! I'm starving!"

Once they were out of earshot of the students, Ai whispered, "Why are you hanging off me like this?"

"Because it's cuuuuuute," she cooed, making the taller girl snort. "And they expect me to be the cute one. I'm Risette, it's my whole thing; if I weren't, they would probably figure out something is up."

"Oh, you had a legit answer. Didn't expect that." Then she shrugged. "I guess that works. It's just… nah. Forget it."

"Oh, don't get all shy now, Ebi-chan!" When she poked her in the stomach, Ai looked so offended that she couldn't help laughing. "No, really. What's up?"

"No, I… I'm just… I know you don't care, but this is bad for my dysphoria."

"Dyswhat?"

Her eyelid twitched in annoyance. "Gender dysphoria. It means… like… you know how euphoria means you feel really good?" Rise nodded. "Dysphoria is the opposite. And in terms of gender, like, it means I'm uncomfortable because…"

Ai was really and truly struggling. So she might as well give it a shot. "Because… your gender isn't right?"

"NO. That's the opposite of- forget it."

"Hey, I don't know this stuff. I don't know why you keep acting like I'm supposed to be- like, you. That's not fair."

"No, it's not. But it's not my job to educate you on all of it, either. Crack a book, go online? God, you have so many resources avail-"

"And you are one of them. I'm asking because I want to understand better! Really! Clearly I screwed up bad so I… do you want me not to screw up anymore, or what?"

That seemed to take Ai by surprise. She blinked a few times before shaking her head. "Wow. Spoiled as ever. You should still try to learn this shit on your own, too, but… I guess… I am a little impressed."

"You said you felt this badness because I'm hanging off your arm, right? I don't get it. I mean, is it because it makes your boy-parts uncomfortable?"

"They're not-" Another deep, cleansing breath. Was she really being that much of a pain in the ass? "Okay, I'll walk you through this, princess. You're hanging off my arm like you would for a guy. But I'm not a guy — and I've literally spent thousands of dollars and years of my life trying not to be seen as one. So when you treat me like one, anyway…"

A crease marred her perfect brow. "Oh. It… gives you the big feel-bad. I see."

And she let go right away. Rise felt even more alone now, walking next to Ai, than she had over their days of total silence. Even now, she was still screwing up. She wasn't wanted by the person she found herself most wanting to be with. If that wasn't the lowest feeling in the world, it was definitely in the running.

"There you go."

"What?"

"There." Ai was pointing at her. "The way you look right now? Probably feel like garbage? That's it — that's how I felt all day when people were spreading the rumour around, how I felt back before my transition began. Like I'd rather walk into traffic than have to keep feeling that way. Maybe it's not quite that terrible for you but at least it gives you an idea."

"Oh." By now, her eyes were watering, but she told herself this wasn't the time for a pity party. She had to take care of Ai if she wanted to show her she was really listening, not just making nice for the sake of moving past the painful retaliation. "S-so I shouldn't… grab your arm. Or do other things that make you feel like the 'boyfriend'? But I don't… know how to… what e-else I'm…"

"Spare me the tears," Ai said — but at least this time, she just sounded defeated instead of angry or disgusted. "Just say what you mean, like an adult."

"Fine! Then I don't know how to be your girlfriend, because all I know how to do are girlfriend things! What, am I supposed to be the boy? I have NO IDEA HOW! Should I get a driver's license so I can chauffeur you around?! Buy you a really, really late White Day present?! I… I'm not good at that, I'm just going to screw it up, and you already think all I do is screw up! So can't you just tell me what to do already if I'm such a failure?!"

By that point, there were definitely more than a few people standing on the sidewalks, staring at the two of them. Rise knew it was her own fault; she had lost control of her emotions. The frustration was manageable most of the time but her patience and resolve weren't infinite. The look on Ai's face was one of abject horror, mingling with confusion. But little by little…

She began to smile. Then laugh — not much, just a chuckle or two. "Oh my God, that was a lot."

"Tell me," Rise said in a softer whisper.

"Fine. The real answer is 'neither of us is the boy', but I don't think you'll like that one. So…" She shrugged and started walking again, Rise hurrying to fall into step next to her. "Just do what you want to do for a friend. But for me. And say something cutesy and girlfriend-y; that part is fine. I would want you to act like the girlfriend, anyway, since you are a girl. I just don't want to be treated like a boy."

"But that's so complicated!" she burst out in frustration.

"Yeah," Ai admitted with a long sigh, eyes downcast. "Everything is. You… really complicated my life. I was hoping I could just marry Narukami, finish my surgeries and so on, and maybe life would fall into place. And here comes Risette to throw a wrench in the works."

That left her quiet for a moment. Then a small smile formed on her lips. "Along comes Risette? Meaning… you aren't completely done with me yet?"

"Tch. Clearly I'm not now that you blackmailed me into this relationship."

"Hmmm, you mean like you tried to blackmail me into outing you?" She examined her nails as they reached Inaba proper, turning down the street toward the diner. "Which I figured out, by the way."

Ai blinked a few times. "You did? What do you mean, you 'figured it out'?"

"Your motive. Guess I'm not as dumb as I look."

"What motive?" But instead of answering, Rise merely skipped ahead a few steps, turned to walk backward, and stuck her tongue out at her. "Hey! What the hell are you talking about?! JERK! You are the WORST!"

                               To Be Continued…

[fckyeahdaisukekambe]

[ROUGH ENG TRANS] FUGOU KEIJI NOVEL: THE MILLIONAIRE DETECTIVE’S DECOY (Part 8)

ahhhhh at lasttttt~ we’re almost there! The Kambe sponsored party. anyway, sorry for the delay. i’m having really, really bad mental breakdowns nowadays like i’m always crying and sad. i have bpd for some years now and i think this isolation thingy makes things worst. anyway, look forward to Part 9 <3

so after the scene where Daisuke threw his cigar away, and grinned. "To find a good match.", i forgot to mark the scene where Daisuke already met the 4th suspect. sorry about that!

"No. I didn't notice it. I did something wrong." After saying that loudly, Daisuke also whispered to Sakamoto. "I don't bet money for something so careless. So apologies, I'll have some sake."

"Oh, sorry." Sakamoto slovenly grinned. "But this is a member-only club." 

Sakamoto rounded his eyes as he looked around the luxurious interior of the elegant and quiet club he came with Daisuke. "And the club has very strict rules when it comes to memberships." As expected of a bartender, Sakamoto slightly mumbled. "I'm in this kind of business too."

"How?" Daisuke asked with a face pretending not to know, while about to take a sip of brandy soda. "You also run something like this?"

"No, not something as fancy as this." Sakamoto cleared his throat, stared and immediately changed to an expression that looks like he's challenging Daisuke. "I'll definitely have a store like this one day. Ah. I'm sure of it." He took a gulp of brandy. "I'll also have a billiard table in my store. Like a foreign club." Sakamoto continued to speak as if it's already the alcohol that's being talkative. "At a billiard place, you can't just have a glass in one hand. The police are troublesome."

"There's a way to do it right now." Daisuke said. "You can just come to my house. There's a home bar inside our ball (billiard) room. You can make your favorite liquor and drink while playing games."

____________________________________

"It looks like Hatano's in your house." Detective Tsuruoka told Daisuke when he returned to the investigation headquarters. "Is he still obsessed with inventing new toys?"

"It seems like going well." Daisuke nodded. "The reason he comes up recently is he have a patent application."

"Hm," In his seat, Detective Kojima made a hateful note. "So what do you know? Just investing money to him invent is not enough for an investigation."

"Other than that," Daisuke said in a relaxed tone. "He seems to have fallen in love with my father's beautiful secretary."

"I can't help but understand that." Detective Nunobiki overtly sneered.

"I was invited to go to Hatano's house." Tsuruoka said. "I wonder if the paint can was still in his lab."

"I haven't seen it." Daisuke shook his head. "I'm sure he has already used it to paint his some inventions."

"Wasn't it used for the crime?" Tsuruoka rebuked. "Then, you're saying Hatano is not the culprit?" After hesitating a little, Daisuke nodded. "Yes."

"I think (Tsuruoka) Izuku-san's conclusion is better," said Captain Fukuyama.

"On the contrary. Kambe seems to think that Suda is not the culprit, either. " Nunobiki told Fukayama and asked Daisuke, "You took him last Sunday to your house. On the contrary, have you finally been liked by your Oden shop relatives?"

"Why do you think Suda isn't the culprit?" Captain Fukuyama frowned. "It seems a little early to judge."

"No,  not until the time we know who's the criminal." Daisuke rushed. "However, he seems to be a man with a strong sense of justice."

"Also, what did you found out?" Fukuyama looked at Daisuke like he's seeking for help.

"Oh, besides that, he apparently also like my father's secretary."

"Did he fell in love?" Kojima smiled. "That's trouble. What do you do to make the suspects fall in love with your father's secretary? Hayakawa seems to go to your home's clay shooting range often, but to think even Hayakawa will fall in love with her?"

"Hayakawa really hates losing, so I haven't said anything to him so far but he's showing that he seems to fall in love."

"What's wrong with that?" Fukuyama began to draw infinity symbols with his finger on the desk, even more frustrated. "Is there any way to get them spend money?"

"That's it for now." Daisuke scratched the his head. "There's only two months left." Fukuyama groaned.

Saruwatari is back. "I heard that Sakamoto caught a millionaire patron at his bar." he laughed. "I'm going to have Mr. Kambe give me some money and have my own store." Daisuke tilted his head in confusion."But he's just talking to me like he already has his own store."

"Erm. Having said that, that would be suspicious." Saruwatari is glancing at Fukuyama who deliberately stayed alone.

"Wouldn't it be an excuse to have your own store with the robbed 500 million yen?" Tsuruoka asked Daisuke a speculative question.

"Kambe-kun, The name of your father's secretary, uhm"

"It's Suzue. Hamada Suzue."

"So I wonder if Sakamoto is also in love with Suzue?"

"Ah. That man is also a womanizer. Anyone can see it in his eyes." Daisuke laughed. "Of course to Suzue-san. Especially since he thinks  she's a daughter of an upper class family. I think for him it's intriguing."

"Well," Tsuruoka turned to Daisuke after thinking again. "All four of them could use it to make Suzue-san fall in love. It's a way Cap said earlier to make them spend money."

"That's right,"  Daisuke striked his lap and stood up. "I have a good idea."

OK. EVERYONE FALLS FOR SUZUE! LOL. Part 9 by Sunday/Monday.

[grunge-mermaid]

grunge rewatches Doctor Who

01x01 "Rose"

I miss low-budget Who. now it's all lens flares and explosions

that is the most 2005 haircut I have ever seen

run

Christopher Eccleston was good

definitely the right choice to bring back the series, also the right choice to only do one season

I miss the simple sonic screwdriver

oh Jackie...

Doctor What

Rose is not playing your games, sir

oh man these graphics

plastic Mickey is uh something

TARDIS!!

lots of planets have a north

is Jackie Tyler the opposite of Donna Noble (always accidentally in the thick of it vs completely oblivious to everything)

wow Mickey really is terrible isn't he?

I would jump in that TARDIS in a nanosecond how do you even consider turning that down?

especially with Jodie Whittaker my beloved at the helm

01x02 "The End of the World"

oh hey it's the fob watch!

what is the date system in the year 5 Billion?

flirting with a tree. sometimes I forget Julian Bashir is not the only horny alien fucker

FACE OF BOE

the iPod!!

why are you telling this to the plumber?

I know I said I'd jump in the TARDIS in a nanosecond but those are things you should have considered before getting in, Rose

the Doctor has a point with the Deep South comment

diversity win! your racist flesh trampoline is trans!

let us mourn her with a traditional ballad *plays Britney Spears- Toxic* genuinely one of the best moments of the entire show, classic & new

why does the Sun Filter Descending warning sound like the fucking drive through at the Dairy Queen?

fyi, Cassandra, there's an e on the end of "j'accuse" so you pronounce the "s"

honestly, the British grasp of the French language just astonishes me (most of this rage comes from Escape to the Country and Great British Bake Off)

you...you need to be clever to turn a dial in the opposite direction? ok doctor

I think I had that Rimmel mascara in high school

01x03 "The Unquiet Dead"

ah fuck. zombies. I really hate zombies. I have internalized kinemortophobia

(bc I myself am a zombie, in case the joke wasn't clear)

(yes I had to look up the word for a fear of zombies)

"an error has occurred please try again" Crave really trying to protect me from myself

oh there we go

no, Crave, I refuse to skip the best New Who intro there ever was

Gwyneth my beloved

"you look beautiful considering you're human" excuse me sir who was calling out Rose on her racism just one episode ago?

but god dang Billie Piper in a Victorian dress

the skin on my neck is crawling right now but I'm gonna power through

I'm gonna power through all the zombie episodes

what the Shakespeare is going on? heh

ohhhhhh noooooo not the creepy hissing-whispering bullshit no please no

angry Billie Piper in a Victorian dress with a cane? that's just cruel

officially a Rose/Gwyneth stan over here

Bad Wolf!

STOP WITH THE CREEPY WHISPERY CHILDREN'S VOICES I BEG OF YOU

"time isn't a straight line, it can be twisted into any shape" vs "wibbly wobbly timey wimey" sums up the difference between Nine and Ten perfectly

ok one more episode for this post (but I will probably keep making these)

01x04 "Aliens of London"/ 01x05 "World War Three"

oh for fuck's sake it's the slitheen

I mean this was first and foremost a children's show of course they're gonna have fart joke aliens

as someone who has recurring nightmares about her parents thinking she's gone missing (despite being active on social media and tagging my location in posts) & declaring her dead after a relatively short period of time, this is literally one of my worst fears. top 5 easily

more Bad Wolf!

I know this was 2005 but "you're so gay" as an insult in an episode written by a gay man who was also the show runner and therefore had the power to, you know, cut that line (or not even write it in the first place), is...odd?

HARRIET JONES

wow I really hate Mickey

like, I'm not missing the implications of a working class black man accused of murdering a pretty white woman and that is absolutely unfair

but seriously what a useless man-child

another diversity win! your genocidal fart monster is a bi/pan philanderer!

(ok so they don't indicate the gender of the "young farmer" he was having an affair with but I'm extrapolating bc they said "a mistress and a young farmer" instead of "two mistresses")

I do appreciate when shows are quietly queer but we also need good, solid, obvious, positive representation and we're not there yet

these graphics are killing me

ah fuck it's a two-parter

fine

I'll watch part 2

sorry this post is so long

(not sorry enough to put it under a cut tho)

"electricity slurping" is not a caption I expected to see but ok

yes, Mickey your basic Nokia is gonna get a really good pic of that fart monster, good work

ok that's more the fault of 2005 technology than Mickey's and it's better than nothing

I just really dislike Mickey

why were those steel barricades installed in 1991?

what was happening in 1991 that would necessitate that installation?

wouldn't it make more sense to have them installed sometime during the Cold War instead of right after it ended?

I know it was Uncertain Times after the Soviet Union collapsed, but they certainly weren't anywhere near as much of a threat in 1991 as they were in, say, 1962

Harriet Jones using her Karen energy for good

oh actually that's a pretty good picture for a 2005 Nokia

Raxacoricofallapatorius!

...why is the Prime Minister's desk covered in skittles?

voicemail dooms us all. does it ever

Harriet Jones is a tory isn't she?

that's all for this round of grunge rewatches doctor who (I got distracted by reddit around the voicemail line).

[lil-meringue]

Okay, let’s talk The Last of Us part 2 (spoiler warning)

This is going to be more my problems with the game/my response to common complaints than what I loved, but saying that, I did fucking love this game, it really lived up to my expectations. So my first problem with the game is that Joel dies real fast, I love Joel and I would’ve loved to have seen more of him, maybe they could’ve made the game longer and have him die half way through or maybe cut some of Abbys POV so we can see more of Joel but I definitely didn’t think we saw enough of him before he passed. I will say this though I understand that he had to die, I always assumed he would, maybe not that early but definitely that he would, a comment I see aloooooot is that they disrespected his character...they didn’t. Just because a character dies in a brutal fashion, or is killed by a new character/a character that you didn’t like or dies too early doesn’t mean he wasn’t respected. Joels memory was given the A+ treatment, every single flashback was goddamn poetry and probably the best part of the game, especially considering he is a bad guy. I’m sorry to say that but he’s done some fucked up shit, which was discussed heavily in the game that alot of people seem to be ignoring/dismissing.

My next complaint/response is Abby, personally I liked her, maybe I didn’t love her but I definitely liked her, I liked playing as her and I definitely felt for her, what Joel did was bad, sure he did it for Ellie but goddamn it was bad, you don’t exactly get a good look at how bad it is because you’re playing as Joel when it’s happening, but if the hospital massacre was a cutscene or tlou was a movie, that section would be fucking tyrannical, I sorta wished Abby was actually there hiding so we got to see Joel at his worst from one his victims eyes. While I did like her, she had far too much fkn time, honestly there was more her than Ellie which frankly is annoying, also she was in some cases unlikable, they could have made her character a little more fun and likeable and less hard and emotionless, I mean look at Ellie and Joel, both essentially fucking monsters who have torn people who are in their way limb from limb but we had no trouble liking them. Sure they didn’t have the baggage of killing a beloved character but thats even more of a testament to her unlikability, they should’ve tried even harder with her personality, maybe even made her guilty for Joels death, had it haunt her, maybe she fights against the idea of torturing him, she could’ve been apologetic to Ellie and also just make her more happy and fun loving, I know it’s a dark game but you’ve got the guitar loving dad who wants to see his surrogate daughter smile, and the girl who loves puns and dinosaurs and who blushes when Dina looks at her, give Abby a little more character so we can actually love her. I also think @giveamadeuschohisownmovie put it best saying Abby should’ve been Marlenes daughter or at least connected to Marlene instead of choosing an unnamed character and giving him a name and two scenes to flesh him out, if you replaced most of Abbys POV with a bunch of flashbacks of her and Marlene, making you feel for her, seeing how close they were it probably would’ve felt more sympathetic.

In conclusion I loved this game, I adored Ellies section in the first half, I really enjoyed playing as Abby, I thought Levs story was really well handled and honestly the ending had me, I can’t understand how people couldn’t like that ending, Ellie chose revenge instead of moving on, she lost her gf, her child and her ability to play guitar, the last thing connecting her to her father but she didn’t kill Abby, she chose to let her go because if she had killed her she wouldn’t have been any different, she would’ve done the same thing to Lev that Abby did to her, she would’ve been the thing she spent a year trying to kill, the thing she’s been dreaming about for months. If a story doesn’t have a happy ending it doesn’t mean it’s bad, hell there are a crazy amount of stories with even worse endings that are still masterpieces. When I described it to a friend when I finished it I called it “depressingly beautiful” cause that’s what it is, a story handled with care and detail that hurts your heart but it isn’t disrespectful, personally I think everyone has the right to dislike this story, but you really shouldn’t say it’s a bad story, it just isn’t. Personally I don’t like The Godfather or any of the Back to the Future movies but I know they’re good, I like a bunch of stories that I admit are absolute horse shit but I still love them. This story was written with care and the team cared more about making a beautifully written story than giving characters a happy ending, as they should. If you dislike it because of the story then that’s up to you, more power to you, but I will say this if you disliked it because of a trans character, a gay relationship being the focus or Abby having muscles you honestly don’t deserve an opinion.

[shera-dnd]

A Day at a Time - Flirtation

I have a feeling y’all are gonna appreciate this one just from the title

Have some quality glitra content as we start making our way to angst glitradora end game

Also with a link to AO3 for those who prefer to read it over there

Catra had accepted the fact that Melog was trying to kill her at this point, because once more the little bastard dragged her through the building and straight to one of the prettiest girls she had ever seen, just so she could die of embarrassment.

“I’m fine.” Catra answered, trying to keep her cool considering everything that's happening right now. “My cat just decided to be a little bastard today.”

“You sure you don’t want any help?” The woman insisted. “I could hold your groceries for you, or your cat!” And as if he had somehow understood what had been said, Melog ran for the other woman and tried to climb her. She calmly picked him up, smiling at him as she did so. “Looks like they made the choice for you!”

Catra sighed, not wanting to bother yet another neighbour. “Thanks.” 

“So I’ve seen you around a lot,” She commented as she followed Catra back to her apartment. “Don’t think we ever talked though.”

“Yeah I didn’t want to bother you.” Catra shrugged. “You look pretty exhausted most of the time.”

“A shitty office job does that to you.” She commented, “And just a ‘hello’ every once in a while wouldn’t hurt.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” That would certainly make their random meetings in the hallway a lot less awkward. “I’m Catra by the way.”

“Glimmer,” She answered with a smile. “ Pleasure to meet you!”

Catra questioned what goes through a person’s mind to name their kid ‘Glimmer’, but the girl’s trans pride flower tattoo on her arm made it clear her parents probably had nothing to do with that name. That was not the only tattoo adorning her, as Glimmer’s body was almost entirely covered in them.

“And what is this little cutie’s name?” Glimmer asked as she petted the little creature, earning a pleased purr from Melog.

“Don’t encourage him,” Catra complained. “And his name is Melog.”

“I’m sure Melog just wanted to stretch his legs.” She commented, “Maybe he thought you needed to meet new people!”

“He could do that without making me run around like an idiot and annoy the neighbors.” Catra shot a death glare at her pet, who seemed completely unbothered.

“Well, I’m not annoyed.” Glimmer replied, defending the little cat. “He did give me an excuse to talk to a pretty girl.”

“What?” Catra did not expect that. Nor did she expect Melog to jump off of Glimmer’s arms and run back to his napping spot. She had been so distracted she hadn’t even noticed they arrived. “Thanks for the help.”

“No worries.” Glimmer waved off. Both of them stood in the corridor for a moment, waiting to see if the other would say anything. “I think I should get going.”

“Yeah… Wait!” Catra ran into her apartment, grabbed a little post it note and wrote on it quickly. She turned back to hand it to Glimmer, but she stopped herself and added a little smiling cat face to the note before doing so. “Here! It’s my phone number.”

“Oh just like that?” It was Glimmer’s turn to be surprised. “Not gonna keep your distance from the ‘weird pink bitch’?” 

“You seem nice and Melog likes you, so you can’t be a bad person.” Catra shrugged.

“‘Can’t be a bad person?’” Glimmer repeated and Catra worried it didn’t exactly come off as a compliment, but the ‘weird pink bitch’ smiled and answered “Thanks, Catra. Talk to you later.”

And with a smile and a wave, she was gone.

~~~

Unlike Catra, Glimmer hadn’t wasted a single second and started her just a few minutes later. Thankfully, baking required a lot of waiting, so she had plenty of time to just talk to her. ‘Hey, Glimmer’ she wrote, but hesitated before sending. Thinking back to the girl’s tattoos, she decided to change that text a bit. “Hey, Sparkles” much better.

“Is this about the star tattoos? Because if it is I’ll fight you.” Catra chuckled when she read that message. She would make fun of how feisty Glimmer was being, but she remembered she had said something similar to Adora the other day.

“You know where I live, Sparkles.” Catra sent, challenging Glimmer. The response took a while as the three dots kept showing up, disappearing and then showing up again.

“I won’t fight you, but only because I don’t want Melog to think I’m mean.” That earned a laugh from Catra.

“I’ll let him know that the weird pink bitch is a nice person.” She joked, but then got a little curious. “Where did that come from by the way?”

“You can thank my coworkers for that one.” Catra suspected something like that, but did raise another question.

“How the hell are you keeping an office job with multicolored hair and tattoos?” This was all relevant information in case Catra ever had to take an office job.

“They wanted to get rid of me, but there were no real rules about colorful hair and I dared their asses to fire the only queer woman working there because they didn’t like her look. Would love to see them trying to recover from that HR disaster.” Apparently Glimmer had a very ‘Fuck you. Fight me’ attitude about everything. “Also they don’t know about the tattoos, so I trust you to keep that secret.” She added, with a little winky face at the end.

She was halfway through writing a witty remark when her line of thought was interrupted by the smell of burning bread. She dropped her phone on the kitchen counter and scrambled to save what was left of her attempt at baking.

~~~

Friday night at the bar was going unusually slow. Catra wasn’t exactly worried about it, she was smart enough to save up some extra money in case she got too many slow shifts. Still, it wasn’t like anything could really bring her mood down right now.

These past two weeks talking to Glimmer and Adora every day had done wonders to improve her disposition, to the point even her boss noticed. Hordak found it all extremely suspicious as he had never been Catra this genuinely happy when she wasn’t up to something. Catra couldn’t exactly blame him for assuming shit, but it was still very rude.

It’s not like Catra was ever planning to introduce the two of them to her boss just to prove him wrong, but it looked like the universe had other plans, because she could see a familiar face approaching the counter.

“Hey, Sparkles.” Catra greeted. “Didn’t expect to see you here. You stalking me or something?” She joked.

“I guess it was a lucky accident.” Glimmer answered, with a strained smile, before taking a seat. “First lucky thing to happen to me today.”

“Shitty day at work?” She guessed.

“Worse,” She answered, pulling up the sleeves of her work clothes, revealing the myriad of tattoos that covered her arm. “My boss found the bar I like to relax at and I’m so not getting drunk in the same room as the asshole that’s been trying to fire me.”

“And this is what? The least shady bar you’ve found all night?” Glimmer nodded “Well, you’re in good hands now and I promise not to use any of your drunk ramblings against you in the future.”

“Why do I find that hard to believe?” She asked, earning Catra’s most innocent look. It wasn’t very convincing.

“I wonder,” She started, playfully “Do you get even more fighty when you’re drunk or are you one of those, ‘You know I’ve always thought of you as a friend’ kind of drunks?”

“Sorry, but I’m only planning on getting a little tipsy.” She explained, “And I’m a flirty drunk, thank you very much.”

“Damn it.” Catra faked annoyance. “Looks like I’m not finding out what that looks like.”

“Maybe some other time.” Glimmer offered.

“But now that you’re not flirting and you’re not gonna start an argument with someone, what are you going to do to pass the time?”

“Very funny.” Glimmer rolled her eyes. “I think I’m gonna relax with a friend and enjoy some good music. Mind making me a Bright Moon?”

“Ugh looks like you share my boss’s awful taste in music.” Catra complained as she started making her drink.

“What is wrong with Fright Zone? Their music is great!”

“Yeah. If you like listening to a sad emo boy groaning about losing his girlfriend.” Catra countered, having heard most their songs more times than she’d like.

“Okay fine, the lyrics aren’t all that great” She admitted “I could try to find something you and your boss would like. Maybe something by Sadie Killer or The Scream Queens.”

“I have no fucking clue what any of those bands sound like, but I like the names a lot more than ‘Fright Zone’.” She commented, placing the finished Bright Moon on the counter. “Here is your drink, Sparkles.”

“A pretty drink from a pretty girl. What else could I ask for?” Glimmer said with a smile.

“You sure you aren’t drunk already?”

“Maybe I’m always a little drunk.” Glimmer joked.

“That sure would explain things.” Catra teased, earning a playful death glare that she happily matched. They kept the stares going until they couldn’t hold it anymore and burst out laughing.

“You’re the worst.” Glimmer said when she finally stopped laughing.

“Hate you too, Sparkles.” She answered, with the biggest smile on her face.

And for the first time in a long time, she was genuinely happy.

[dvp95]

quiet on widow’s peak (4)

pairing: dan howell/phil lester, pj liguori/sophie newton/chris kendall rating: teen & up tags: paranormal investigator, mystery, online friendship, slow burn, strangers to lovers, nonbinary character, trans character, background poly, phil does some buzzfeed unsolved shit and dan is a fan word count: 3.9k (this chapter), 13.5k (total) summary: Phil’s got a list of paranormal experiences a mile long that he likes to share with the world. Abandoned buildings, cemeteries, and ghost stories have always called his name, and a particular fan of his has a really, really good ghost story.

read this chapter on ao3 or here!

Phil did not invite Chris and Sophie to come to Rossendale with him. Not because he doesn't like spending time with them, but because he wouldn't know how to explain a situation to his parents that he doesn't even understand himself. To his knowledge, PJ also did not invite them.

"Change it," Chris whines from the backseat. He'd lost the scuffle against Phil to claim the front, and he's been complaining about Phil's music choices for half the trip so far in retaliation.

"You like McFly," Phil huffs, continuing his search for an album that won't elicit a loud sigh from behind him.

"That's fucking slander, is what that is. You hear that, PJ?"

"Oh, I hear you both," PJ says, flat. "Loud and clear."

They've only been driving for probably forty minutes and PJ already looks like he wants to kick them all out of his car. Phil doesn't exactly blame him, although he resents being lumped in with Chris in the 'annoying background noise' category.

He has no idea how they've managed to invite themselves along, but Phil was too polite and PJ was too smitten to tell them off when they came out to the car with their bags.

So, this is a group activity now. Phil's parents had been thrilled to hear it when he texted them the updated situation - they're taking it as a sign that Phil has a motley crew of good friends again, like he'd had as a kid and again in uni. He supposes that they're not wrong, exactly, but he's definitely anxious about introducing them to Chris.

"I like this song," Sophie says, mild, and Chris closes his mouth.

"Fine, this one is alright," he says begrudgingly. Phil glances at them in the rearview - Sophie is patting Chris' knee and giving him the sort of smile that always makes Phil feel like he shouldn't be present. He looks back down at his phone so he doesn't have to sit with that feeling too long.

PJ turns up the volume, probably to curb any more bickering before he has to toss them all out of his car, and Phil tries to just lose himself in the music for a little bit.

His friends sing along at varying levels of obnoxiousness and Phil tries not to keep opening the Tumblr app to see if someone has messaged him. Well, someone specific. I'm going north today!, is the last message sent between them, and Phil is still waiting for Winnie to offer to meet up or something.

After their non-starter interview, Phil and Winnie kept missing each other's free time to finish it over Skype. Phil kind of wants to hear more from them before he checks it out himself, but that's not looking likely at this point, especially if he's lugging his housemates along with him all weekend.

Phil opens a puzzle game on his phone and lets the mostly-mindless swiping distract him. It's a long drive up to Rossendale, and the last thing Phil wants is to be left alone with his thoughts.

--

Phil's parents love having guests round almost as much as they love to have him home, so Phil isn't at all surprised to walk in and smell a roast cooking. He expects that treats will be made as soon as the oven is free, because that's what his mum is like.

"Hello," Phil calls into the house, kicking off his shoes. His friends follow his lead - PJ puts his boots carefully on the mat that Phil didn't bother aiming for, and Sophie struggles with a particularly stubborn knot in her laces - as he hangs up his jacket. "Mum? Dad?"

"Child," his mum greets him happily, appearing in the entry to the kitchen and making grabby hands at him until he envelops her in a hug.

"Missed you," Phil tells her, quiet enough that his friends won't hear to make fun of him.

"Oh, I missed you," she says, giving him a kiss on the side of his face. She turns her beaming smile onto his housemates, who all pause in what they're doing like a frozen tableau. It's a little funny. "More children! Hello! I'm Kathryn, it's so nice to meet you. And so nice to see you again, PJ," she adds in that somewhat pointed voice that Phil hates so very much.

"Hello, Kath," PJ says, grinning wide. He gives her a hug, too. Chris holds out his hand for her to shake when she's done squeezing the life out of PJ, but Kath will have none of it.

"Don't be silly," she says, wrapping her arms tight around Chris' waist with a laugh. "We hug in this family."

"Really?" Chris asks, and the look he gives Phil is almost more embarrassing than if he'd asked 'so why isn't your son a hugger?' out loud. "Something smells absolutely delicious, Kathryn. Is that you, or is supper cooking?"

Phil stops himself from groaning out loud, but barely. He probably shouldn't be surprised at all that Chris' cheeky, flirtatious charm extends to mothers as well. Kath laughs and smacks lightly at Chris' chest before she turns to Sophie.

Skilled at making people feel comfortable in four seconds flat, Kath chatters away about supper and how lovely Sophie's curls are and how long it's been since she's seen Phil, did they know how long it's been? She herds them all into the kitchen like they're cattle and insists that Phil take their things upstairs while she puts the kettle on.

"Er, alright," Phil says, looking at the small collection of bags that they'd brought with them. Their clothes and toiletries are all there, of course, but so is all the filming and hunting equipment. He'll have to make at least two trips.

"Your father got the guest room and Martyn's room all set up before he went out," she tells him, either not noticing or ignoring his internal struggle.

Oh, wonderful. Phil had somehow forgotten about the part where they had three beds for four of them. He's positive that his housemates won't mind sharing with each other, but now he's been tasked with the anxiety-inducing puzzle of whose bags to put where.

"Okay," Phil says again, even though they've moved on to talking about their favourite kinds of cakes so that Kath can wow them all with her skills. He tries to catch PJ's eye, but PJ is too wrapped up in a conversation about strawberries to notice.

Alright, well. Phil grabs as many bags as he can carry and brings them upstairs, feeling some tension deep inside him get a little tighter as he notices that most of their personal effects are packed away, either in storage or already on the island, and his childhood home looks more like a show home than he's comfortable with. The stairs only creak a little under his weight, nothing like the old house in Brighton, but Phil still feels unsettled.

In the end, he throws PJ and Sophie in the guest room. It's a selfish move more than anything, because he's brought PJ for enough visits to be familiar with the way his parents look at each other every time PJ teases him.

They don't ask. They're not the type of people to pry, and Phil isn't the type of people to offer information unprompted. They've all been in this limbo for years where Phil doesn't tell them that he likes boys and they don't outright question if PJ is just a friend and, frankly, Phil is tired of it. So, Chris can sleep alone.

He takes his own bags up last, because he knows that stepping into his bedroom and seeing all the personality stripped from it is going to make him feel things he isn’t prepared to feel. Phil takes a deep breath before he goes inside, and releases it shakily as he drops his things on the floor.

The beige carpet is almost mocking him, telling him that it's time to grow up, and Phil leaves the room as fast as he can.

--

God it is so hard to get anything done here. Sorry to complain at you randomly but like... I forgot how hard it is to work when my parents are hovering and asking a million questions lmao

Winnie still hasn't responded to Phil's early morning message, but the frustration of his parents distracting him and his friends from their work is starting to get to him. Chris has completely charmed them, somehow, and both Sophie and PJ are too polite to put headphones on and ignore them the way Phil has decided to.

Surprisingly, he gets a reply right away: omg how have i never considered the fact that you had to tell your parents you wanted to hunt ghosts for a living thats so fucking funny also that sucks i live in a house full of students and i always have to go to the coffee shop to work on essays and shit

There's nothing good like that where my parents live. Your coffee place is in the city, right?

“No! He didn’t!” Chris is laughing, somewhere in the living room, and Phil has to turn up the white noise on his headphones. The idea of his parents and housemates trading embarrassing stories about him while he's holed up at the table with audio files he hates makes him itch.

yeah, Winnie says. Phil is so thrown off by the short message that his fingers pause on the keyboard.

Is he annoying them? He doesn't mean to. Phil thinks over the messages they've exchanged since talking on Skype, the wheel of worst case scenarios spinning quickly.

Before Phil can apologise or even really get his anxious mind to settle down, his laptop bloops again, once, twice, three times. Relief from the worry that Winnie doesn't like talking to him curls around Phil's shoulders, relaxing them.

It's a screenshot of Google Maps with an address pulled up, a different building circled in a bright blue. yeah i hella recommend and it's really close to wilkins as well, is the message accompanying the screenshot. Then, right afterwards, 10/10 hot chocolate if i do say so myself.

Phil isn't very big on hot chocolate on its own, but he is very big on quiet coffee shops.

It takes a lot of cajoling and promises that he won't be out too late for Phil to convince his parents that they'll be fine to drive to the city by themselves. His dad gets the same look on his face that he always does when Phil talks about work, but his mum merely pats his cheek and says, "Oh, love, be careful. I'll be cross if I have to get you from the police again."

"That was one time," Phil says, feeling his face flush as Chris looks at him with glee.

"One time too many," Nigel says, a bit too sternly to be a joke. Phil wonders if his friends pick up on it or if they just think he's banting like he's been all through supper, that same dry humour that Phil can see in Martyn making him funnier than his housemates had expected.

PJ and Sophie both laugh a bit, so... probably just Phil's knowledge of his dad making it more pointed than it really needs to be.

The coffee shop is open late, so Phil and his housemates decide to do some recon at the Wilkins place. The sun hasn't quite set yet, and the street isn't completely deserted or anything, so they have to wait for a good moment to leave the car.

They're careful. They've done this before.

The Wilkins place is an older townhouse in Rusholme with windows that have been boarded up since the early noughties because they kept getting broken. Technically, someone still owns the property, but the Wilkins family either didn't care about it or had forgotten it existed, because it's been abandoned as long as Phil can remember.

It also isn't very scary in his memory. It's draughty and has rats scurrying about, but the electricity and heating still worked, somehow, and the social situations he'd gotten thrown into at Martyn's shoulder were definitely more nerve-wracking than the house itself.

All of these things are still more or less true, according to everything Phil has been told, but when Phil climbs in through the loose boards of the kitchen window, the hairs on the back of his neck stand straight up. He hesitates for so long on the sill that Chris pushes a bit at him, reminding him to move before some annoyed neighbour calls the police.

It's dim inside but not so dark that Phil's eyes strain; the streetlights and setting sun filter in through the boards and showcase the dust covering every surface.

Phil helps Sophie and then Chris through the window, PJ giving them boosts from the outside. They take the various bags from PJ and Sophie immediately pulls out the camera, ignoring the thuds that PJ's feet make as he launches himself up and clambers in like a monkey.

"Sexy," Chris drawls as PJ nearly tumbles onto his face. He's grabbing out equipment of his own, and so Phil is tasked with getting PJ through the window safely.

"At least I've got a modicum of upper body strength," PJ says. Neither of them are bothering to whisper, and that's making Phil anxious.

He can't put his finger on it, but... it doesn't feel like they're alone in here. There's probably someone hiding out from the chill of late October in one of the various empty rooms, and Phil's worst case scenario wheel is spinning so fast it's making him dizzy.

"Do you hear that?" Sophie asks, hushed. That stops PJ and Chris from continuing their bickering, and all three men freeze as they strain for whatever it is that Sophie's hearing. After a moment of complete silence, Sophie shakes her head. "It stopped. Hopefully the mic caught it over you lot."

PJ looks appropriately abashed, but Chris just shrugs. He's got a flashlight and an EMF meter, and he slings one of the bags over his shoulder before disappearing.

This is technically for Phil's channel - they're checking the place out, and Sophie is filming just in case something happens - but Phil still feels weird when PJ ducks off in another direction and Sophie stays at his side instead of following one of her boys, camera steady in her hands and the tip of her nose pink from the cool air.

"What did you hear?" Phil murmurs, beckoning her further into the house. The sound of creaking wood is so loud, like it's right above their heads, and Phil can only hope that it's one of his friends going upstairs.

"It could have been the wind," Sophie says mildly. "Or rats."

"Is that what it sounded like?"

Sophie blinks up at him and her mouth twists in an emotion that Phil can't place. "No. No, it sounded like a person talking."

Yeah, that's what Phil was afraid of. "Someone might be living here," he whispers, focusing on the dark hallway and trusting that Sophie is following.

The creaking again, this time from beside them, and Phil peeks his head around the corner to confirm that the staircase is what he's hearing. Chris is halfway up it, flashlight off between his teeth as he grips the railing like he's afraid the stairs are going to give out under him.

Phil hates this part. He'd rather do this completely alone than have to herd his friends like sheep. He leaves Chris to his own devices and moves into the lounge. This is where the majority of the litter is, empty bottles and cans and crisp bags everywhere. Phil takes a couple photos of it all and sends them to Martyn.

Remember your friend who used to bring a garbage bag to every party? Looks like he was the only one lol

He pauses. All too aware of Sophie's eyes and possibly the camera lens on him, Phil sends the photo to Winnie as well with a different caption: Does it always look like this?

Neither of them respond by the time Phil has picked his way through the first floor, which is at least good for his focus, but it doesn't explain why the house feels so much different than it had seven or eight years ago. Phil feels unsettled here in a way that he doesn't usually get anymore, goosebumps down his arms that aren't from the cold and the constant, unnerving feeling that someone is looking at him from the shadows.

Phil's phone buzzes as he and Sophie debate in whispers if they should go upstairs. Phil hates leaving anything to someone else, even if it's just a few rooms that surely PJ and Chris are capable of exploring on their own. He's in the middle of trying to explain that to Sophie when his voice catches in his throat.

"Peej says we should go," Phil says, interrupting himself. "He found something weird in the attic."

"What's he doing in the attic?" Sophie hisses.

"Dunno. I didn't even know there was an attic."

"We should go, then," says Sophie, like that decides it. Although it does rankle a bit to be lower on the totem pole of his own project, Phil has to admit that Sophie is right. If PJ is saying that it's time to go, then it's time to go.

Phil climbs out of the window first, taking the equipment with him, and then helps hoist Sophie safely down. She's so small that it's not even a strain, really, even with how little exercise Phil gets. They wait, huddled together, and Phil feels some of the knot in his chest start to loosen when he hears Chris and PJ arguing in whispers before the window boards get slid out of the way again.

"What did you find?" Phil asks immediately, and PJ hushes him on his way down.

"Let's go, I'll tell you at the café," he whispers, leading the way down the pavement with strides so purposeful that Phil wonders if he's been in this area before. It's all the rest of them can do to keep up with him, and Phil spares a moment to feel sorry for Sophie and her short legs.

He hangs back with her and lets Chris keep pace with PJ. Chris is still talking at a silent PJ in a hushed, passionate tone, like he's fighting with a brick wall, and Phil doesn't need to be involved in that.

The coffee shop is only a couple of streets away, but the tension that the Wilkins place and PJ's subsequent discovery has brought to the group makes it feel much further. PJ stops in front of a purple door, and Phil has a begrudging respect for his ability to remember where something is after simply being told the address. The shop is small and a little dingy, but the lighting inside is soft through the narrow windows and there's a fireplace that Phil longs to curl up in front of like a cat.

Chris scowls at PJ and holds the door open for him in the same breath. Phil doesn't understand their relationship and at this point he's too afraid to ask, but he ducks into the inviting warmth anyway to try to get the goosebumps off his skin.

The two employees behind the counter look at the door like they've been caught with their hands in a cookie jar. A girl with brightly-coloured hair is holding a bunch of marshmallows, a hand poised mid-throw, and an unreasonably tall guy with an unreasonably large mouth is gawping as one of the marshmallows hits him in the chin.

"You missed," Phil informs them, grinning a bit as he unwinds his scarf.

"Oops," the girl laughs, setting the marshmallows down and pulling up a customer service smile. "What can I get for you guys?"

While PJ and Sophie pore over the menu and Chris starts asking if she'll throw marshmallows into his mouth if he asks very nicely, Phil's eyes drift to the other worker.

His mouth is still open, a bit, and his face flushes when their eyes meet. "Er," he says, glancing behind him as if Phil is looking at someone else, and that's so endearing that Phil is sufficiently distracted from the mystery down the street.

Phil isn't extremely self-conscious or anything, but he also knows he's not going to be the hottest guy in a room, so he's a bit flattered and a lot confused about this guy's reaction to him.

The thing is, the guy is very attractive. A couple of perfect curls poke out from under his cap, and there's some type of shimmer on his face that Phil could not put a name to if you paid him. He knows literally nothing about makeup, but he knows that it makes this giant of a man look softer and his blush even more obvious when it deepens.

"Hi," Phil says, giving him a little wave. He can still hear Chris chattering on and Sophie debating the merits of a hot chocolate versus a cappuccino, so he's pretty sure nobody is paying them any attention. The guy twitches like he wants to look over his shoulder again, but he stops himself.

"Uh, hi? Sorry to be, like, weird, I just - I didn't expect -"

The voice is familiar, the rambling is familiar, and then it clicks. "Oh, hi," Phil says again, warmer this time. He steps closer to the counter and grins up at them - an unusual thing in itself, since Phil doesn't meet many people taller than him. "You didn't mention that you work here."

Winnie's shoulders slump forward in a kind of relief, and they scratch the back of their neck, looking awkward and out of place even in an outfit that coordinates with the colour scheme of the whole shop. Phil looks the uniform over and immediately regrets it, because he didn't mean to see Winnie's name tag and now he feels weird about knowing something he wasn't actually told. He doesn't feel too weird about being here, though, because - well. Winnie had technically invited him.

"Honestly, I didn't know you'd be 'investigating' so soon," says Winnie. They're still blushing and the finger quotes are somehow cute, even though they're being used to poke at Phil's career. Their nails are dark and sparkly, and Phil desperately needs to stop noticing things about their hands. "I would have told you, probably, or I'd just - I dunno, try to make a better first impression."

"You're making a fine first impression," Phil assures them.

Winnie snorts. "Oh, bullshit."

"Phil," PJ says, nudging him. Phil suddenly remembers that there are, in fact, other people around him, and he can't just keep looking at Winnie's long, dark eyelashes. "What are you having?"

Honestly, Phil hasn't even looked at the menu. He's so easily distracted by pretty boys with big hands and - oh, right, he's got to be careful about that, even in his own head. Especially in his own head. Winnie isn't a pretty boy, he really shouldn't be thinking about them like that at all.

"Uh," Phil says eloquently. He's very particular with his hot drinks, usually, but he's got a lot going on in his mind right now and it's easier just to shrug at Winnie than to look away and think. "Dunno, actually. Surprise me?"

Winnie smiles, and Phil's stomach twists. "I can do that."

[dementeris]

Peter Parker [bursting into the living room] : I’ve found a new game !

Clint Barton [rising an eyebrow] : Cool, how do you play it, Spidey ? Tactics to confuse your challengers?

Thor [countering] : Strength to make them kneel ?

[Loki’s silent thoughts: Why do I feel irony right now?]

Tony Stark: Incredible ingeniousness to let them see how awesome you are?

Peter Parker [scratching his neck nervously]: Hum, not really… it’s more about vocabulary and speed…

 ~ The three men exit the room, all of them suddenly pretending to remember some kind of urgent affair ~

 Shuri [taking him in a supportive embrace]: Aw, don’t be sad, Pete : I’m interested ! So let’s play together, yeah?

Loki [closing his book]: Your friend is right, Spiderchild. Forget about those brutes, they wouldn’t have achieved anything but destroying this place at the first argue anyway…

Peter Parker [quite overwhelmed by the sudden affection]: T-Thank you, you two. But it will be better if there are one or two more players.

Stephen Strange [making a surprisingly human and non-supernatural entry]: Then, may I offer my participation?

Loki [hissing slightly]: Tss, nobody cares, Doctor I-want-to-be-a-sorcerer.

Peter Parker [on a begging child’s tone]: Mister Loki, please!

Shuri [giving Loki a vigorous tap against his back]: Come on, big guy, it will be fun!

Stephen Strange [sitting in the nearest armchair]: Don’t ruin the mood, Thirty-minutes-falling God. And after all, since it shouldn’t break our universe’s balance, I can do what I want for once, can’t I?

[Loki’s silent thoughts – second take: Is it a quotes’ contest or something?!]

Peter Parker: Okay, So let’s begin with the rules!

 ~ Le Petit Bac : a french game in which your goal is to be the first to complete a succession of words, each one belonging to a specific category and beginning by a same letter. These ones are defined by the players before the party starts. For the first player who finishes his list, there’s one bonus point. Then, every player compare their words, so if two or more of them have found the same one, 0 point counted. On the contrary, if you manage to propose a unique word, take 1 point. Continue the same process by taking new letters. At the end, the player with the higher score win ! ~

 Peter Parker [wearing a beaming smile] : Understood ? At worst, the first round is always here to do some practice.

Shuri : Right, so we need different classes to start. Any suggestions?

 ~ Few minutes later ~

 Peter Parker [counting on his fingers] : So we have : domestic pets, colours, …

Shuri : Advanced technologies…

Stephen Strange : Mystical artefacts…

Loki : And fantastic creatures…

Peter Parker [shrugging] : Well, it’s a bit original, although not unexpected. Next step : Mister Loki, can you read alphabet in your mind and give me a letter when I tell you to stop ?

Loki : Sure, child, but which alphabet do you want me to use ? Asgardian’s or Midgardian’s? In the second case : latin, hebraic, manda- ?

Shuri [throwing a tired glance towards the Asgardian] : Don’t mind it, I will do it!

Peter Parker : Huh, thanks Shu ! So………….. Stop!

Shuri : T !

Stephen Strange [brows furrowing] : Hum, well, it promises to be entertaining.

Loki [smirking devilishly] : Already admitting your defeat, Strange ?

Stephen Strange [completely ignoring the tease] : You may have had the privilege to accumulate a monstrous amount of knowledges through your life, immortal, but don’t underestimate me and the Sorcerer Supreme’s teaching.

Peter Parker : L-Let’s started !

 ~ Not even two minutes later ~

 Loki [making his pen click dramatically] : And… Finish !

Peter and Shuri [in unison] : What ?!

Stephen Strange [mumbling to himself] : Tss, I had just one left…

Peter Parker : B-But how- ?! Hum, no problem, you got one point there, let’s just… Check your words, ‘kay ?

   ~ And so goes the Scores’ debrief and commentaries ~

·       A fantastic creature

Peter Parker : Thunderbird  (Hey, Have you seen the Fantastic Beasts, Doctor Strange ? / Depends of which ones you’re talking about, Peter…)

Shuri : -

Stephen Strange : Tokoloshe (I’m surprised you didn’t find this one, Miss Shuri : it normally comes from South-Africa / I’m an engineer, not a wizard…)

Loki : Triton

 ·       A mystical artefact

Peter Parker : -

Shuri : Talisman (That’s also a category, Shu… / I said : I’m not a wizard !)

Stephen Strange : Time Stone (This one was easy…)

Loki : Tesseract (For once, I agree with you / Aw man, how can have I let pass these ones ?!)

 ·       An advanced technology

Peter Parker : Tracer

Shuri : Trans-dimensional Teleportation device (That’s my domain…)

Stephen Strange : Tracer (I’m not a big technologies’ user myself / Well, think it’s 0 point for us, Doctor…)

Loki : Television (Man, really ? / Should I remember you that I come from a Realm where Magic is our best technology ?)

 ·       A colour

Peter Parker : Taupe (Miss Pepper-Potts knows a lot of things when it comes to space design !)

Shuri : -

Stephen Strange : Topaz

Loki : Terra Cotta (Hey, isn’t that one a dessert ?! / Peter, you’re again mistaking it for “Panna Cotta”…)

 ·       A domestic pet

Peter Parker : Tarantula (I assure you they’re really nice !)

Shuri : Tiger (Come to Wakanda for the next holidays, Pete, and I will show you how to ride one !)

Stephen Strange : -

Loki : …

  Shuri [astonished] : “Thor” ?! How’s that, “Thor”?! I’ve let pass the television-thing, but this one?!

Loki [perfectly calm] : I don’t see where is the problem with that one : the rules don’t say that proper nouns are forbidden.

Peter Parker [trying to sound sympathetic to the both of them] : I’m sorry, Mister Loki, but I have to agree with Shu on this point…

Stephen Strange [maybe a bit concerned] : I know your relations with your brother weren’t the most… amicable. But still, Loki, you can’t consider him as an anim- !

Loki [shrugging] : Then give me a definition of what is a “domestic pet” according to your standards…

Peter Parker : Hum, well, to start that’s a living being with whom you have created a special and profound bond. It’s a proof of affection, even if it can be overwhelming sometimes…

Shuri : As a life partner, he never object to help you and make you feel better when you need him…

Stephen Strange : And, for some of them, when the danger arises, he won’t hesitate to protect you.

Loki : So you gave me the terms, I now feel obliged to give you the facts in return.

 ~ At the same moment, loud laugh and stomping steps echo through the corridor ~

 Loki [sighing with a grin] : Speaking of the dog…

Peter Parker : Huh, the correct expression is “the dev-“…

Thor [almost running towards the group] : Brother ! We and the Captain have returned victorious from our mission! Oh, hello again, Spiderchild ! And nice to see you too Shuri, Sister of the Black Warrior, and Strange, Master of the Magic Cape!

Stephen Strange [massaging his temples] : For the umpteenth time, it’s a Cloak, not a ca- !

Loki [an ounce of worry in the voice] : Thor, you oaf, what’s that red mark on your armour ? Have you let yourself be hurt? Again?!

Thor : Oh! This? Don’t worry for that little scratch, Loki : it takes more than that to kill me ! [gently ruffling his hair and taking him in a warm strong suffocating embrace] And what about you? How have your day been so far?

 ~ Proof of overwhelming affection : checked ~

 Loki [gasping for air] : Good, good : I h-have been playing with the m-mortals. But l-let me breathe n-now!! And can you go take me s-some water, p-please?

Thor [finally releasing Loki] : Of course I can !!

 ~ He then goes straight to the kitchen, bringing back a large glass of fresh water with even some snacks which have been neglectfully left on the counter. Next time, Clint would have to let a warning note for his lunch’s sake ~

 Thor [beaming radiantly] : Here ! I must say that I’m glad to see that you’ve finally found some friends to spent time with!

 ~ Proof of selfless carefulness : checked ~

 Loki [now sounding nervous] : Yeah, you’re… right, brother…

Thor [brows furrowing] : Loki ? Is something wrong? You don’t seem convinced.

Loki [waving his hand slightly] : Oh no, I… That’s really nothing’s big anyw- …

Thor [taking his hand in a comforting manner] : Nonsense! So, what is it brother?

Loki [avoiding Thor’s gaze] : It’s really nothing, it’s just that he…

Thor [now panicked] : Come on, lillebror, tell me!

Loki [nearly crying and pointing an accusing finger towards a perplex Doctor Strange] : H-He called me a m-monster!

Thor [roaring] : He what!?!

Stephen Strange [too but incredulous] : I what!?!

Loki [now almost crying] : A-And he menaced me with his fa-falling portals too!

Thor [fulminating] : Strange, how dare you?!

Stephen [holding his hand in surrender] : Thor, please, let me explain ! I’ve used those words, but it was not in this con- !

Thor [battle’s death mode : on] : Your magic won’t save you from the wrath of a god! Mine!!

 ~ If one of the other Avengers would have entered the room right now, he would have surely wondered why on Earth an ancient blond god was chasing after a mystic Art’s sorcerer with a hammer and all lightning’s effects, screaming “Get back here and face your fate, wizard!!” ~

 Loki [rising an eyebrow in expectation] : So… Does it mean I won?

Peter Parker [eyes glued to the scene] : Protect when the danger arises : checked.

Shuri : I still maintain that he putted the danger above the Doctor’s head…

Loki [grinning maniacally] : Double-win for me then.

[eta--piscium]

Tag Game

Tagged by: @ifi-skydive (I made her tagged me) 😂💞

Tag ten people you want to know better

@holographicsince99 @lostm-yway - Sorry bbys. Hahaha

Star sign: Pisces

Height: 5'6ish

Put your itunes/spotify on shuffle. What are the first four songs that pop up? (Spotify is blocked here. So I just went to my library and hit shuffle)

IU - BBIBBI

LANY - Malibu Nights

LANY - Run

NCT - Regular (Eng. Ver)

Grab the nearest book near you and turn to page 23. What’s on line 17?

"Kasi kung hindi mo susubukan, hindi mo malalaman." - Para sa Hopeless Romantic by Marcelo Santos III

Trans: "Because if you do not try, you will not know."

Ever had a poem/ song written about you?

Nope. Neveeeeerrr

When was the last time you played air guitar?

I think it was yesterday? Or earlier today? I don't remember.

Who is your celebrity crush?

Celebrity crush? We're gonna need a looooong time because I deadass have too many celebrity crushes. But Bae Joohyun and Myoui Mina 💞

What’s a sound you hate and a sound you love?

Love - Calm waves hitting shore, rain, crackling campfire, wind, music

Hate - very loud thunder, squeaky creaking doors, spoon or fork scratching the plate - I really hate the last one to the point that I wish I could take my ears off and put it on later. 😂😂

Do you believe in ghosts?

Yes, and I've seen some. 👻 - Not a fun experience tbh.

How about aliens?

Yeah. - My bestfriend acts like an alien. 😂

Do you drive?

Yep.

What was the last book you read?

Para sa Hopeless Romantic - Trans: For the Hopeless Romantic

- Okay.. I'm a hopeless romantic . The author is my fav author too!!

Do you like the smell of gasoline?

Yes? No? 50/50

Last movie you watched?

White Chicks - I love that movie so much I'll never get tired/bored of it.

Worst injury you’ve ever gotten?

Hmm. . It was when I was fighting/sparring with an enemy ( It was a karate tournament and we're in the black belt category so expect us to be on full guard and full attack on each other with no mercy at all. ) then when she kicked me so hard (I was able to block it ofcourse) I blocked her kick with my left arm and lemme tell you this!!!! My arm?! I can't even feel it in that moment all I feel is pain and it left a big bruise and some swelling there that I can't even hold a paper cup that's EMPTY whenever I try to close my hand it just starts shaking crazily. Long story short, I won. But! I can't use/move my arm for an entire two weeks. My left arm was wrapped in bandage. She can't walk tho, because when I started to kick her hard she suddenly stood up straight and I accidentally kicked her upper thigh. ☹

Do you have any obssessions right now?

Kdramas, music both kpop and western, reading webtoons

In a relationship?

What even is that? Idk that. Lmfao 😂

[thing-you-do-with-that-thing]

Ties That Bind - Part 3: More Than Meets the Eye

Characters: (AU: first names are as in the show renaming a few last names to fit my story): Reader (Y/N Harvelle), Castiel Novak, Claire Stanford, Crowley McCloud, Eileen Leahy, Kristine Chambers, Timothy Chambers, Officer Fitzgerald, Officer Tran, Meg Masters, Gabriel Benedict, Pamela Barnes, Charlie Bradbury, Chuck Shurley, Detective Dean Winchester, Bobby Singer, Sonny Gibbons, John Winchester, Ben Braeden (mentioned), Jo Harvelle (mentioned) 

Pairing: Dean x Reader (eventually)

Warnings: Mention of character death/murder (sorta), Mention of abuse,

Word Count: 4300ish

A/N: Thanks to @blacktithe7 for betaing and helping me rework this series.

***My fics are not to be saved nor posted on any other sites without my express written permission.***

MASTERLIST

It had taken you a few days to start to feeling back to normal at work, but you were getting there. Cas had been great. He had stayed over that night and watched cheesy old movies with you and made you forget how terrified you had felt. He had made sure all off your shifts were with each other for the next couple of weeks, and he had driven you too and from work and hung out with you after ever since that night 5 days ago. He was your best friend, and he had really shown you why these past few days. You weren’t sure you would have made it through the experience so fast if it hadn’t have been for him.

You had spent a lot of your time at work with Claire since then. You felt like you owed it to her to find her a new home, safely away from her dad. She had saved you just as much as Cas had that night, and you needed to return the favor. Claire was worried about the upcoming meeting, even though it was almost a month away, and her fear started to show in how she did in school. You talked to her teachers and spent every afternoon or evening shift you had with her doing homework or taking her away from The Clouds and all her worries. You went shopping and to the movies, and you enjoyed watching Claire be the carefree happy teen she deserved to be.

Today you had picked her up after school and took her shopping. You were both still laughing when you got back to The Clouds, and Cas greeted you with a smile.

“Did you buy the entire mall girls?”

“Nope. Just half of it.” Claire winked at him and skipped past him. “I will be in my room trying the stuff on. Thanks Y/N.”

“You’re welcome Claire,” you laughed and watched her disappear into the house before letting your eyes meet Cas’. He was more serious now.

“Crowley called. He got two new kids for us. They are waiting down at the hospital. Pamela just got here, and I thought we could go over the email Crowley put together before one of us picks them up?”

“Okay. Sounds like a plan.” you nodded at him. “Lead the way.”

You and Cas headed to the office where he already had the mail open for you to read.

ATT: Castiel Novak and Y/N Harvelle

I got a call from an Officer Tran at 15.10 concerning two siblings. Kristine Chambers, 14 and Timothy Chambers, 8. Their father, Victor, has been picked up for suspicion of the murder of their mother, Margaret. Neither of the kids has spoken much but are both being treated for broken ribs and lacerations. It is unclear how much the kids have witnessed, but they need a safe and stable home, which I have insured the officers we can give them here at McCloud's for the upcoming months.

I know Timothy would usually be placed at the Beam, but I have decided it best not to separate the siblings at this point in time. I am placing them in your care at the Bow. How the two of you decide to divide the workload is up to you. Keep me informed on your decisions and progress as always.

Sincerely,

Crowley McCloud.

You took a deep breath and looked up from the screen and into Cas’ blue eyes. “Poor kids. So how do you wanna do this?”

Cas sent you a smile. “Well, you got a way with troubled teen girls. So I thought you might want to be primary on her, and I will handle the boy. It has been a while since I worked with a young kid, but I am up for a challenge.”

“You’re just hoping he wants to play video games all night long.” You couldn’t help but laugh, as you got up. “Right. Since I am handling the older one, it should probably be me who does the pickup. You’ll get two rooms ready?”

“Aye aye Captain,” Cas teased, and you lovingly slapped his arm before he continued. “I was thinking the two empty rooms at the end of the hall would be a good choice. Keeps the boy close to his sister in case he needs her?”

“You read my mind Cas.” You smiled at him as you grabbed your keys and headed for the door.

A little less than an hour later, you walked through the doors to Angel’s Grace Hospital and up to the reception desk. “Excuse me nurse.” You frowned when the woman in front of you didn’t bother to turn around to face you. “Excuse me,” you all but yelled this time and still no reaction.

Your eyes narrowed, and you were just about to scream at her for being rude when she finally turned around with a surprised look on her face as she saw you.

“I’m sorry I am just filling in here until one of the other nurses return from her break,” she spoke, and you could tell from the lack of melody in her voice that she was deaf. You quickly closed your mouth, ashamed by your behavior, and the nurse smiled. Clearly it wasn’t the first time someone had made the same mistake you just did. “It’s okay. Whatever name you just called me, I didn’t hear you,” she teased and succeeded in making you laugh.

“I didn’t. But I was about too,” you spoke and signed as best as you could at the same time making the nurse smile widen. “You don’t have to do that. I can read lips just fine. I am nurse Leahy. How can I help you miss?”

You breathe a sigh of relief. It had been awhile since you had a kid with a hearing impairment, so you were more than a little rusty on your signs.

“My name is Y/N Harvelle. I am a social worker up at McCloud's,” you quickly showed her your ID before you continued, “I was called down here to pick up two kids. Kristine and Timothy Chambers.”

Nurse Leahy smiled. “Yes, they are my cases. Sam… The doctor just cleared them so you can take them with you as soon as the cops say it is okay. Officers Tran and Fitzgerald are outside their room now. Let me show you.”

The nurse showed you through the halls of hospital until you reached the room where two uniformed officers were standing guard outside. You quickly thanked the nurse and walked up to the officers and introduced yourself. You exchanged information, and you made sure the kids father was behind bars and no threat to them before thanking the officers and letting them know you had it from here.

You knocked on the door and peeked into the room to find the boy sitting on the bed with his sister’s arm around his shoulders while he played on a Gameboy. Meg was in the room with them as she was almost every time you came to pick up a kid. She stood from her chair and smiled when she saw you.

“Guys this is Y/N Harvelle. She is a social worker up at McCloud's, which I told you about.”

“Hey,” you walked up to the bed, and the girl looked at you rather suspiciously, but that wasn’t unexpected, “you can call me Y/N. What are your names?”

“Krissy,” the girl answered you in a defiant tone. “This is my brother, Timmy. I am not leaving him.”

You sat down on the bed next to her and sent her a reassuring smile. “Actually, my colleague Cas is preparing two rooms right next to each other for the two of you as we speak, but if you want to stay in one room tonight that can be arranged too.”

“Really?”

Krissy looked at you with surprise plastered all over her face. She had clearly expected she would have to put up a fight to be able to stay close to her brother, so you just smiled at her.

“Really?” You leaned in over the bed to look at Timmy’s game. “What are you playing there Timmy?” you asked him, but the boy just shrugged.

“He hasn’t talked much since….” Krissy’s words trailed out and tears she was clearly trying to fight were filling up her eyes.

“It’s okay.” you replied quickly, pretending you hadn’t seen her tears. If that was how she wanted it right now, that was how you were going to play it. “Are you too ready to get out of here? Cas is cooking dinner tonight, and he makes one hell of a lasagna.”

The kids nodded, and you hugged Meg goodbye before leading the kids back to your car. This hadn’t been the worst start, but you also knew these two kids had been through a lot more that they let on. It was going to take a lot of work to get through to them, and you silently praised your lucky stars that Cas was your partner in this endeavor.

***

It had been a long 24 hours. You had called your sister Jo and asked her to take care of Santo for a few days. You always pulled long hours when new kids arrived at the home. You and Cas had had a sleepover in the overnight room. You had gone over your observations of the two kids and agreed it was best to keep them out of school for a few weeks until they settled in. You had decided you would both stay until mid afternoon the next day to help the kids get to know the two of you better.

Timmy still hadn’t said a word, but other than that, he seemed to be a trusting kid. He had had fun and laughed at Pamela and Gabe’s shenanigans in the kitchen this morning, and he had smiled and pointed to the pictures when Cas had read to him later. Krissy, on the other hand, had been very withdrawn, and she seemed weary, especially of Gabe and Cas. She didn’t seem to trust men at all and was staying at a distance, but she also always kept her brother within sight.

She had talked to you a bit and agreed to go through some catalogues to see what she and Timmy needed. Clothes, toys, whatever. You wrote it all down and added it to the email you sent Crowley about the kids progress before you and Cas walked out the doors to the Bow together, leaving your new kids, as well as Claire and the others, in Charlie and Chuck’s capable hands.

“So are you heading out to Jo’s to get your dog?” Cas smiled at you as you made your way across the yard, and you let out an overdramatic sigh.

“Nope. He is having fun, so she is keeping him for a few days, which means I can catch up on some rest.”

Cas laughed, making you laugh. “Yeah like you can be without him for more than a day or two.”

“You know me too well Castiel.” You winked at him just as something caught his eye.

“Isn’t that your friend over there?” A smirk formed on Cas’ face, and you quickly followed his line of sight across the road to the parking lot.

A shiny black muscle car was parked up front, and Detective Dean Winchester was leaning against its hood. You froze and stared at him as you watched a corky smile slid across his face, and you hissed quietly at Cas, “Great. What is he doing here?”

“Probably seeing how you are doing.” Cas walked into you slightly, giving you a small push. “He seemed worried about you the other night.”

“Oh yeah, he showed it by being so charming,” you barked at Cas as you recalled Dean’s snarky remark that night.

Cas just smiled at you and gave your arm a squeeze. “Okay, so he put his foot in his mouth. That happens to the best of us. Talk to him. He might not be as bad as you think.”

You glared back at the cop who was patiently waiting by his car. His eyes were still glued to you, and he smiled again as he saw you look his way. “I doubt that,” you mumbled, making Cas laugh.

“Only one way to find out Y/N,” Cas hugged you and headed for his car. “See you tomorrow at the hearing.”

The hearing. Right. Whatever Detective Winchester chose to say to the judge could very well determine Ben’s fate. You really had no other choice than to be nice to him. You let out a sigh and crossed the street to the parking lot where the detective was still waiting. He stood up straighter as you approached him, and he sent you a careful smile.

“It looks like you are doing better?”

“What do you care?” the words flew out of your mouth before you had a chance to think, and you wanted to kick yourself when you saw the man’s expression change. He didn’t appear mad. Still, he stopped smiling, and his eyes darkened a little.

Before you had a chance to speak and correct your mistake, he did it for you. “Look, I am sorry Miss Harvelle. I shouldn’t have said what I did that night. I should have known better.”

You were taken aback by his apology and stared at him with your mouth slightly open before you came to your senses. “So that is why you came here? To apologize?”

The detective sent you a crooked smile, clearly relieved your tone had changed. “Yeah that, and I wanted to show you something.” He laughed, and you figured your surprised and reluctance was evident on your face .“Come on. I won’t bite, and I promise I’ll have you right back here in a few hours.”

“I…” You looked around as you tried to come up with a reason not to go, “I don’t know. I don’t usually…”

Detective Winchester took a step forward and rested his hands on your arms, not unlike he had done the first day you had met him, and just like you had trusted him to get Ben safely out of the store, you couldn’t help but feel a calm rush through your body again. You trusted him. He might be a cocky jerk, but he wasn’t a bad guy. “I am not here to fight. I just want you to see something. Okay?”

You looked up, and your heart started beating faster as your eyes met. He was gorgeous, and there was a kindness in his beautiful green eyes that you hadn’t noticed before. You slowly nodded, making him smile before he led you around the car and opened the door for you.

“Where are you taking me Detective Winchester?” you asked as he got in behind the wheel, and he turned his head and smiled at you.

“Dean,” he spoke as the engine roared to life, “and you have to wait and see Miss Harvelle.”

You couldn’t hold back a laugh as he addressed you by your last name seconds after he urged you to call him by his first. “Y/N,” you replied, earning a sincere happy smile from the man next to you before he pulled out of the parking lot and onto the street.

Dean drove you through town. You sat together in comfortable silence, and after driving for about 30 minutes, Dean pulled the car onto a small dirt road. You turned your head and shot him a surprised look, but Dean just smiled at you before he slowly began explaining himself.

“I remember you accusing me of only caring about kids if they came in handy as informants.”

Your jaw dropped, and you quickly tried to better the damage you might have caused before Cas had pulled you out the door that day. “Dean I didn’t mean…”

Dean turned his head and sent you a reassuring smile. “Yes you did. And it is okay. I just wanted to show you not all cops are the same.”

Dean pulled up in front of an old farm house, and you looked away from him and out the window. You didn’t know what you had expected to see, but it wasn’t this. Kids were running around on one of the fields playing football, and one older kid sat on the porch reading to 4 much younger children.

Dean laughed when your eyes met again, and this time you were certain your surprise was showing. “Welcome to Sonny’s.” Dean winked at you before getting out of the car.

It wasn’t like you hadn’t heard of the Youth Center before. You lived in town, so how couldn’t you. Only you thought it had gone out of business. The fact that it was owned by an ex-con seemed to have scared a lot of parents away from using the place, but clearly you had been mistaken. The place was full of life.

“I thought this place closed down?” you looked up at Dean as he came around the car to stand next to you, and he nodded.

“It almost did a few years ago. Some guy found out about Sonny’s past and started spreading false rumors. My dad was Sonny’s arresting officer back in the day, and when the center started losing kids, my dad and uncle Bobby decided to help him out. Apparently parents feel safer dropping off their kids at an ex con’s place when two retired cops are around.”

Dean shrugged at his last sentence like he honestly didn’t get that, and you couldn’t help but smile. Maybe you had misjudged him after all. Dean didn’t seem to put himself over other just because he wore a badge.

“So why did you want me to see this place?”

Dean looked down at you, and the boyish grin that used to bug you returned to his face, only this time you couldn’t exactly say you hated it. “I guess I wanted to prove you wrong.”

You tried to hold back a smile, but the teasing tone in his voice made it difficult. You rested your hands on your hips as you looked up at him. “Really?”

“Yeah really.” Dean raised his brows in a suggestive manner. He laughed and placed himself behind you, and you let your arms fall to your sides. “That guy with the ponytail out there,” Dean pointed over your shoulder to the kids playing football, drawing your attention to the a hippy looking man.“That’s Sonny. And…” Dean placed his hands on your hips and turned you around. You bid back a gasp as his warm touch sent electricity through your body, “that guy over there teaching the kids how to fix a car.” Dean pointed again and you saw a bearded guy in a leather jacket resting on a cooler while two boys were bend down over the engine of an old truck. “That is my dad. And my guess is Bobby is inside the house cooking something that hopefully won’t kill the kids,” Dean raised his voice a little as he let out the last sentence.

You looked up at him over your shoulder, surprised by his sudden change in tone, but he just winked at you and looked up at the window above your heads where a bearded older man in a ball cap suddenly appeared.

“I heard that Dean,” he growled, trying to appear mad, but the glisten in his eye told you otherwise.

“Oh so your hearing isn’t yet as bad as your tasting,” Dean teased, and Bobby mumbled a few curses and the word “idjit” before disappearing back into the kitchen.

You tried to hold it in, but Dean’s laugh was infectious. When you finally stopped laughing Dean’s eyes were resting on you.

“What?”

Dean just shook his head and rested his hand on your lower back, leading you forward. “Let me show you around.”

Dean walked you over to the small garage where the man immediately got off the cooler and greeted his son with a warm hug.

“Who's this Dean?” He sent you a warm smile.

“Y/N,” Dean replied and smiled at you as you shook his dad hand. “This is my dad, John.”

“Very nice to meet you, Y/N. I believe it is the first time Dean every brought a girl up here to meet us.”

You felt your cheeks turn red, and you almost started to stammer. “Oh I’m not… We’re not…” You breathe a sigh of relief when Dean came to your rescue.

“Y/N is a social worker up at The Clouds. We work together… or I arrested one of her kids actually.”

“Oh I bet that went over well,” John smiled and looked back and forth between you and his son, making you laugh.

“Not very.”

“What? You mean I am still not forgiven for that?” Dean teased, and the way he looked at you almost took your breath away,

“We shall see,” you grinned.

A bell rang behind you before Dean or John had a chance to say anything more, and Dean placed his hand back against your lower back as he led you towards the house.

“You will… if we survive Bobby’s chili that is,” he leaned down and almost whispered into your ear. His warm breath against your neck made your skin tingle, and a warm feeling spread throughout your body.

What the hell was wrong with you? Dean Winchester was a cop. Cops were a necessary evil when it came to working with kids like yours, but most of the time they messed things up more than they helped. Dean had not proved to be an exception so far. He had arrested Ben, and here you were letting him flirt with you. Not only that. You liked it. You liked him, and throughout dinner, you watched him as he interacted with the kids and his family around the table. He laughed and joked. He was good with the kids. Firm but kind. And when his eyes locked with yours, you couldn’t help but return his smile. Cas’ words started ringing in your ears. Talk to him. He might not be as bad as you think.

After dinner, the kids and adults had all scattered. Sonny and Bobby helped the kids who were staying over tonight to find beds and sleeping bags while Dean and John disappeared into the kitchen to clean the plates. Unsure of what to do with yourself, you sat down out on the porch, watching the sun go down as the parents began to pick up the remaining kids, who all yelled out to you and waved goodbye as they left. You decided you liked it here as you tilted your head back against the wall and closed your eyes.

“Do you drink beer?” A gruff voice made you open your eyes and look up to see Bobby holding out a bottle to you.

You took it with a smile. “Occasionally.”

“Well the end of a long day is a good occasion as any,” Bobby grinned as he sat down next to you on the bench.

“True.” You let out a laugh. “So how come you guys are doing this?”

Bobby laughed at you. “What? It is un-cop-like?” he teased you, making you blush.

“Sorry I guess I got a few prejudices. Dean might have proved some of them wrong today.”

Bobby nodded as he studied you. “I guess we all do, and that is okay as long as you are willing to admit them wrong too. Dean is good man. He was a good kid too before he became a cop, just like his brother who isn’t one.”

You smiled at Bobby. “I believe you.” You looked up when you heard Dean’s voice.

“That’s never a good idea.”

He was walking through the front door with a beer in his hand, and Bobby got up and gave his nephew a friendly slap on the arm, “Well that is the last time I am defending your ass Winchester,” before he sent you a smile and headed back inside, leaving you and Dean alone.

“Defending me huh?” Dean sat down next to you. “Do I need defending?” You bit your lip as you studied his face.

“You tell me?”

Dean leaned back, surprise written all over his face, and his eyes resting on yours as he waited for you to elaborate. “What are you going to say at the hearing tomorrow?”

Dean took a deep breath, but he never broke eye contact. “I honestly don’t know. I have to tell the truth, and what is already in my report. He did pull a gun on me Y/N.” Dean held up a hand, letting you know he wasn’t finished, just as you were about to yell at him. “But I believe you. He is a kid that is easy to influence, and he told me he didn’t know what the two other boys were going to do when he walked into the store with them. I believe that too. If the judge asks me, I will tell him I don’t think Ben belongs behind bars. Juvie is the worst place for a kid like him, but he does need a lot of help Y/N. I don’t want him to end up pulling a gun against another cop someday. He might not take it as well as I did.”

You stared at Dean. You had expected to have to convince him Ben was a good kid. You certainly hadn’t expected an answer like that, nor that he would be so insightful about Ben’s situation.

“We can help him, Dean. The Clouds can help him.”

Dean nodded before turning his head to look at the gold and pink sky where the sun had once been. “Then that is what I will say.”

Dean Tag Team

@mizzzpink @emoryhemsworth @not-moose-one-shots @sleepylunarwolf @roxyspearing @blacktithe7 @atc74 @mogaruke @mysupernaturalfics @fatalcrossbow @mrswhozeewhatsis @goandsavemyunicorn @crushing83 @arryn-nyxx @superapplepie @salvachester @docharleythegeekqueen @walkingkhaleeesi @multifandombackpack @ruined-by-destiel @blushingdean @impala-dreamer @winchasterdean @iamabeautifulperson18 @peaceloveancolor @theoriginalvicki @feelmyroarrrr @hexparker @vvinch3st3r @shamelesslydean @katymacsupernatural @elevenofmages @jensen-gal @mysterious-398 @dustycelt @ericaprice2008 @adriellej @ashleydivine @waywardmoeyy @storytimewithylva @canadianjelly @percywinchester27 @featherleaf12 @percussiongirl2017 @sis-tafics @spn-dean-and-sam-winchester @deanxfuckingadorablexwinchester @mayasmedberg  @ruprecht0420 @jayankles @torn-and-frayed @its-not-a-tulpa  @spn-fan-girl-173 @ryantherandomhero @lupine-princess @like-a-bag-of-potatoes @sylverminx @kathaswings @becs-bunker @mery-magizoologist @sandlee44  @sillesworldofwriting @mariahoedt @akshi8278 @michellethetvaddict @samisimportant @wishuponastarlana @bebravekeeponfighting @smoothdogsgirl @ria132love @winchester-writes @deangirl-samcurious-0214-0502 @amotleyworld @winchester-wannabe99 @wolfgamzee @keepcalmandbeajunkie @19agbrown @aubreystilinski @evansrogerskitten @dalikah3 @impalaimagining @babyismyspiritanimal @caitthejourno

TTB Tag Team @grace-for-sale @superflurry  @miah7hant @oneshoeshort @two-feet-of-topsoil @laurenisnot @angelsandwinchesters @mina22 @spnmariiscake @earthtokace @korrababy @daughterleftbehind @justdrankaliquorstore @gloria1097 @falloutofmymemez @http-natiii @msdooos @rhapsody-in-flannel @daddy-kink-confirmed

[deplcythebattery]

sooo it’s your no.1 fan here,,, what about the first time whizzvin met after the two years??? id say make it fluffy but I KNOW you can’t live without angst so throw me your worst ;););)

Merry Christmas!! I’m gonna switch this up a bit Eddie!! I seriously think they met before, so I’m writing about that. And then finish with the baseball game. (Whizzer is trans but that’s a default by now)

Whizzer hadn’t seen Marvin since he’d been told to leave with a suitcase pushed against his chest. He’d walked out with his head held high, prideful arrogance in his eyes that concealed how badly his heart had broken. Whizzer really expected that to be the end of it, the end of him and Marvin, and for what felt like eternity - it was.

It had been months, longer than a year, when Whizzer saw Marvin again.

The doorbell rang and Whizzer was woken up from an unintentional nap. He pulled on a pair of sweats, not bothering with a shirt as he had his binder on. “Hang on!” He called out as the doorbell rang again, rubbing his head. It wasn’t unusual for him to nap nowadays. His seasonal depression had turned into something more and he barely left his house anymore. Of course he occasionally came back with a stranger to drown out the ache Marvin left behind, but that had been more relevant in the first few months. Now Whizzer just sat on the couch, hazy eyes staring wherever they’d stopped each time he moved.

Sighing, Whizzer opened the door, expecting to greet a salesman of some sort. It took his foggy brain a second too long to recognize who stood at his doorstep, but once he did, his heart sunk.

“Marvin,” Whizzer breathed out, eyes wide. His voice was met by a drunken grumble as the man fell forwards. Whizzer barely caught him, brows furrowed. It wasn’t like Marvin to drink. That was one trait Whizzer had always enjoyed; he’d had his share of alcoholic boyfriends. “Whiz— Whizzer— you’re sssso pretty— pretty boy—“ Marvin mumbled over and over, but Whizzer paid no mind to it.

Whizzer knew something was definitely wrong. Marvin kept mumbling, his words blurred and intoxicated. “Let’s get you inside, sleep it off for a little while,” voice soft, Whizzer spoke to his ex as he helped Marvin inside. It was definitely a workout and Whizzer almost stumbled more than once on the short walk from the door to the living room. Once there, Whizzer helped Marvin onto the couch, trying to keep him from instantly rolling off. Sighing heavily, Whizzer shook his head. “What did you do this time, hm?”

“This isn’t even anywhere near the neighborhood you live in,” Whizzer continued his monologue knowing he wouldn’t get an answer. He stood up and scurried around to try and find Marvin a blanket. Maybe it wasn’t wise to let in an ex lover who was drunk and who Whizzer had never really gotten over.

He did it anyway.

When Whizzer found a blanket, he walked back into the living room to find Marvin fast asleep. For a moment, he just stood there, watching the man he once loved. Maybe still did. Oh how naive he had been, thinking he had it all figured out. The first few months had been so good. Then Marvin had gotten irritable and Whizzer made sure to push his every button.

Sighing once again, Whizzer shook his head to get rid of the thoughts and walked over to drape the blanket over Marvin’s sleeping body. The man looked much older than he had before; like he’d been through hell. And Whizzer knew enough to know that to be true. It must’ve been hard with Trina and Mendel getting married and Jason not spending as much time with him as he used to. Whizzer knew that, because he still played baseball with the kid every now and then.

After tucking Marvin in, Whizzer ran a hand through his messy hair and down his face, a habit he’d picked up from Marvin that never disappeared. Then he looked around for a basket or a bin to leave by his ex lover, just in case. Whizzer brushed his fingers through Marvin’s tangled hair once before standing up straight and making his way towards his bedroom. Maybe he’d be able to get some sleep.

Now the questions that had been at the edge of his mind hit home all at once. Why was Marvin here? What had caused him to get blackout drunk? Was Jason okay? Was it trouble at home? Would Marvin get through it? Had he picked up drinking every night? Why on earth did he choose Whizzer’s door after over a year of radio silence? Of course there as no way he’d ever ask those questions from Marvin himself, but his heart ached with worry anyway.

Confused, Whizzer got under the covers, leaving his binder on against better judgement. He knew it wasn’t healthy, but the situation was just too much to handle. For some reason, he couldn’t imagine taking it off while Marvin was in the house. All of the trust they’d built was gone, but Whizzer alone wasn’t to blame for that.

After hours of tossing and turning and listening to any and every sound coming from the living room, Whizzer finally fell asleep. His dreams were restless, littered with nightmares and suppressed memories. Whizzer jolted awake in the early hours of the morning, his sheets damp with sweat and his heart beating too fast, spiraling into a panic attack. He sat on his bed, knees up, elbows resting on them, head in his hands. If things had been like they used to, Marvin would’ve been by his side by now, calming the hyperventilating young man. But it wasn’t like it used to be and Whizzer had to get through it on his own. Again.

It took a good half hour for Whizzer to be able to get his head out of the downward spiral. Even after his breathing had regulated, his hands trembled visibly and his heart had a harder time calming down. Whizzer gathered himself, stood up from the bed, and held his head high as he walked out of the room. Making his way quietly towards the kitchen, the young man glanced over the mess of a man sleeping on his couch.

Marvin had dropped his blanket with one of his arms hanging off the edge of the couch. Suddenly Whizzer was overcome with heartbreak all over again. There was something so familiar in the sight: Marvin used to fall asleep on the couch all the time when work kept him up. It brought back so many fond memories he’d tried to forget and he had to turn around to keep himself together.

Hands still shaking, Whizzer moved into the kitchen to start making coffee, eyes like bruises against his pale skin. The fatigue from not sleeping, depression, anxiety, and not eating enough had left their mark on the pretty boy. Sure he was still attractive as all hell, but it was clear he wasn’t at his best.

Once the coffee was dripping, Whizzer turned around and just leaned against the counter, lost in that hopeless head of his. Deep in thought, he didn’t hear Marvin groaning as the man slowly woke up, hungover. Only when Marvin stumbled into the kitchen to get something to drink did Whizzer get pulled back into reality. Immediately he stood taller, somehow managing that half arrogant half careless smirk of his.

“Morning sleeping beauty,” Whizzer teased as he watched Marvin get a cup and pour himself a drink. “Don’t, Whizzer,” Marvin grumbled in return, which just made Whizzer laugh. Or at least laugh was what Whizzer did. Who knew how real it was in the end. “You don’t happen to know how you got here?” Marvin just grunted and downed a second glass of water, shrugging, “I remember drinking far too much.” “No doubt,” Whizzer remarked with a quirked brow. They were both caricatures of who they used to be, pretending they hadn’t been broken apart.

“I didn’t do anything stupid, did I?” Marvin asked and rubbed his eyes, clearly embarrassed. Whizzer just chuckled nonchalantly and shrugged his shoulders in turn, “mhm. Define embarrassing,” he just said, knowing it would drive Marvin crazy. But this time it wasn’t to annoy him, it was just friendly bickering. Marvin groaned and shook his head, hiding a smile, “well I’m sorry if I caused any trouble.” Whizzer suppressed the urge to tell Marvin that he interrupted a session with another guy. It would’ve been too cruel. Maybe before Whizzer would’ve used the lie to get a reaction out of Marvin, but now he was just too tired to care.

Whizzer tucked at the binder to get it lower, trying to stop it from digging deeper into his skin. It had probably been longer than a day since he took it off the last time. He’d have to wait till Marvin left to feel comfortable enough to get out of it. Now he just hid the physical pain just as the emotional scars and smiled at Marvin’s remarks. “Don’t sweat it. You called me a pretty boy, which isn’t a lie,” he smirked before turning to the pot of coffee. “Coffee?”

Marvin nodded and the two of them continued the back and forth teasing for a while. When silence fell over them as they drank their coffee, Whizzer did everything he could to seem nonchalant. Soon enough Marvin cleared his throat, “I think it’s time for me to go. It was nice seeing you,” he stated and Whizzer just dismissed it with a wave. “Give Jason my love,” Whizzer replied as Marvin gave him a final once over, keeping his posture and careless facade, and then Marvin was gone. The door closing felt like a slap against Whizzer’s face.

***

When Jason told Whizzer about the game on one of their baseball afternoons, Whizzer immediately agreed on going. It was only after he made the promise that he realized just what he’d said. Going to the game meant seeing Trina and Mendel again. And Marvin. Oh, god, the last time they’d met Marvin had showed up at his door shitfaced, spent the night on his couch, and filled the morning with pretentiously cheery and stiff bickering. Whizzer had asked Jason all the questions, made sure that Marvin was able to keep it together. It was one thing to hear about him, but to see him after this long and with that being the last interaction he’d had with Whizzer?

How could Whizzer ever walk out there and pretend like nothing ever happened, that he hadn’t been thinking about that night? It had been months, making it over two years since him and Marvin had parted ways. As soon as Whizzer got home from spending time with Jason, he dived into his closet, trying to drown the anxiety by choosing the best outfit. When you feel your worst, you gotta look your best, right?

When the night of the game came, Whizzer couldn’t stay home. He just couldn’t. He spent the day walking around, but made sure he was fashionably late for the game. Pretending like he hadn’t been waiting for it.

Whizzer arrived at the stadium, lingering at the edge, trying to locate the tight knit family. When he did, he noticed Marvin sitting on the top row with two women holding hands. Trina and Mendel were in front of them. Clearly they were discussing something as Marvin shook his head and the two women burst into laughter.

Deciding that he’d watch Jason’s next round from the shadows and then go greet the people he once held close, Whizzer stood back with his hands in the pockets of his fake leather jacket. “Oh, kid, you need to keep your eyes on the ball…” he mumbled with a fond smile on his face as Jason missed yet again. He’d never been that great at baseball.

When Jason stood back, Whizzer decided it was time to make an entrance. He gathered himself, stood as y’all as he could, and walked past the seats with his eyes on the Jewish kids playing baseball. He had his sunglasses on, hair fixed perfectly, and as soon as he passed the tight knit family, he knew they saw him.

“What is he doing here?” Marvin asked from behind Whizzer. Trina gasped, though trying to politely hide it, and confronted Whizzer where Marvin lacked the guts. “What are you doing here?” Trina asked directly and Whizzer turned to her, taking off the glasses. “Jason asked me to come, since he asked me to come, I came,” he said calmly, glancing up at Marvin just momentarily. Trina and Mendel went on to grumble about Marvin’s ex lover showing up, but Whizzer was too busy intentionally ignoring Marvin to hear it. But when they went too far, Whizzer had to jump in, “Hey. I love baseball. I love Jason. That’s what I’m doing here.”

“You’re looking sweeter than a donut,” Marvin told Whizzer and Whizzer just replied with “Marvin.” Then he said hello to the lesbians next to his ex, Cordelia and Charlotte he learned, and sat by Trina on the bench. “Is he still queer?” Whizzer asked, unable to contain himself. He had to know. He just had to. Mendel said it didn’t matter, but Marvin’s remark was what made Whizzer laugh. “It’s been too long since I could tell,” Marvin said and imitated an old man. Whizzer shook his head and soon it was Jason up again.

Jumping up, Whizzer went to greet the kid. He gave Jason a few tips, forgetting Marvin for that short moment. When he turned around again, he had to remind himself that Marvin was a maniac. He was psychotic. Who else shows up at their ex’s doorstep drunk? Who else breaks up with someone over a chess game? He pulled down his sleeves that had ridden up a bit before sitting down again, in front of Marvin, where he’d been told to sit.

Marvin kept annoying Whizzer, touching his hair, making remarks. Whizzer shot lines right back at him and soon they were too busy insulting one another with the biggest smiles on their faces to notice anything else. Then, clearly after gathering courage, Marvin asked Whizzer the question Whizzer had been waiting for “would it be possible to see you or to kiss you or to give you a call?”

That moment was fireworks. It was magic. It felt like eternity. And then it was broken by Jason hitting the ball and Whizzer jumped to his feet, holding onto Marvin, cheering Jason on as loud as he could.

Finally everything was how it was meant to be from the beginning. Whizzer and Marvin had both grown and now… Now it wasn’t a battle every time they met. From there on, they were good together. Happy, truly happy, for the first time since they’d met. That was until Whizzer got sick.

[ask-lightning-n-dusk-blog]

Unsure about doing this... here goes

I have announced on this blog before that I am an MRA, well yes, that does mean at times I will pause to talk about issues relevant to that. That being said, here is a warning that the following will contain mature subject matter. Only read if you can handle adult discussions.

This is my own experiences with sexual harassment.

 Over the last several months something has been called to my attention, an aggressive series of social justice movements seeking to divide people based solely on born traits or otherwise superficial identifications. One of the most dangerous trends I’ve seen is the concept of trying to say who can and cannot suffer in certain ways, for instance saying only women, transsexuals or other sexual “minority” groups can experience sexual harassment or at least their suffering is more important because they are “marginalized”. To be clear, if you are the victim of genuine harassment, rape, sexual or violent assault, murder, discrimination-anything like that- your suffering is real and understand there is no circumstance that makes it less important. We should not be governing ourselves by who we can forget, the children starving in Russia do not need our help more than those starving in the US. Each person has to decide who they will help for themselves, but do not mistaken such choices for evaluations of who is or is not important. The suffering of a white man is no less important than the suffering of a black woman. When you help someone, you really do need to be mature and realize your choice should not be based on who is or is not important, but rather what your heart leads you to do.

So here goes, my sexual harassment experiences, yes plural… they all kinda blur together over the course of a five year period. You see, about ten years ago now, I joined the army. I was told me being a virgin would be a problem, but I never understood to what degree until I entered. Outside the army some people would ask questions and maybe be a little rude trying to guess the size of my penis, but never anything I couldn’t handle… it was just seriously awkward is all. (There were a few times when the teasing got out of hand to the point of me running and crying from bullies who thought it was funny to constantly badger me about sexual concepts and positions when I was in the sixth grade for some reason, but my parents eventually homeschooled me so that stopped all together.)

(A warning, anyone even thinking of finding out who was in my units and going after them let me be clear- you try and I find out, I will ruin you. Those guys could be mean, but a damn lot of them would have willingly laid down their lives for me so screw the hell off. Maybe that’s why I sometimes hesitate to bring this up, because I know some jerk will always try to say something nasty about soldiers using this as evidence. This is not something against the army. The army has problems and this centers on one of them, but the people in there can be good people. Reform it by all means, but don’t try to hurt the people in it.)

The army was a different story though. One of the major issues with sexual harassment in the army is the frequent imposition of not being allowed to leave certain areas coupled with group punishment. This means if someone thinks it’s funny to constantly ask questions about your genitals you cannot demand he or she leave, nor can you leave yourself. Demanding they knock it off and trying to get them in trouble usually causes just as much trouble for you, if not more. If a woman, knowing you’re a virgin, begins to insist that you are therefore a pedophile, and you rightfully snap at her, you are punished right along with her and the rest of your unit. The idea is that this should create cohesion by making the unit suffer together. What it really does is silence victims because other members of the unit see it as easier to silence them, than address a trouble maker. This means, like me, many people in the army and similar services are subject to nigh and sometimes actual daily sexual harassment or other forms of harassment (people with mental handicaps have it far worse generally BTW) with little to nothing they can do about it.

It’s hard to say what was the worst of it either. Maybe it was AIT where I was constantly told I needed to compare my penis size to other men, which of course I never did nor did they want me to do, I was just an easy target because I was a virgin and they could use the “curiosity” excuse to get away from being called the dreaded “gay”. (Ironically this was a problem word even among those who were staunchly anti-homophobia.) Maybe when I turned people down to visit bars with them and constantly had to defend myself against accusations that I was either hiding the fact that I was a pedophile or fantasized about rape. Maybe it was because at times I subjected others to the same treatment because it was the only way I was ever able to be relieved from it myself (not excusing that, I never should have given in, but I did). Maybe it was experiencing the same harassment from women as men, when feminists and most of society had always taught me this was a “gendered” issue. Maybe it was my loss of innocence regarding women entirely when I slowly found out that women treated each other and other men exactly the same and only men could ever be expected to get in real trouble and only if they were harassing women. Maybe the worst was when a homosexual man grabbed me in public, rubbed his genitals on me and when I threw him off me, I was shouted down by him and my peers for “homophobia”. Maybe it was the constant need to explain to even the more rational people that no, there is no connection between penis size and virginity, nor worse yet, pedophilia, rape, serial killers or other forms of violent crime- why would there fucking be, how did that line of questioning even make sense to them anyway?!!-. Guess they thought they were “just making sure”.

Go ahead folks, tell me, which is the worst sounding of all that? Some of it was near daily, some weekly, some of it got better over time, some got worse and to tell the truth it was all so frequent it all blurred together. (To be fair the gay guy was a one time experience, though as you can imagine it stuck out.) It was worst when I first went in and didn’t know it was coming. Over time I did learn to redirect conversations and how to make people just as uncomfortable discussing my sexuality as I was. (A favorite trick of mine was to question the insecurities that must obviously be present in someone so afraid of virgins.) Maybe the worst of it was knowing no one else really had it much better and no one who wanted a solution had any idea what it would be.

I suppose I should address something that happened as a result of all this. If I were to trace the origin of this, it probably was experiences like this- but I suppose it’s possible I’m just self-diagnosing-. For whatever reason, I have lost all interest in being sexually active, even in a marriage relationship. I suppose that makes me part of a legit minority group officially recognized by a social justice group- a-sexuals… no. I refuse to play that game. You can care about me because I was human and hurt, I will not let you pretend I’m “one of you” so you can continue to neglect concern about my brothers. (Make no mistake, all men are your brothers and all women your sisters.) To LGBT, I remember how you guys acted years ago before you started adding letters. Virgins, by choice or by biology were pariahs to you guys. I have no problem with gay or trans people themselves, but advocacy groups associated with them... I was your enemy ten years ago because I didn’t want to have sex before marriage, and five years ago because I said I wasn’t interested in having sex. Now suddenly you speak for me because you wanted to add a vowel to your dumb acronym? No, you don’t get that privilege. I’m not a-sexual, I’m a virgin. It was mostly people on the political left even in the army who attacked me for my sexual choices. The left gave me the label “virgin” and refused to let me forget it, now I won’t let them forget it. I’m taking that label to my grave.

If anyone feels the desire to apologize to me who didn’t do anything to me, don’t you dare. That’s nothing more than virtue signaling. The only reason to apologize for something you personally were never involved in, is to be seen by others as being sorry, it’s profanity in my book. I hold no grudge against random gay people because one molested me, nor do I hate the sexually active because so many people of that persuasion couldn’t leave me the freak alone. If you feel sorry for me, just say that, but know that I’m fine and moving on, but don’t you dare try to legitimately apologize for something someone else did.

Do I feel like a victim? Objectively myself and many others at the time were, but now, not really. It was years ago and there’s no reason for me to demand anything now, just recognition that my problems were real and therefore, the problems of other men are too. I’m not demanding justice, nor apologies, I’m just asking people to finally realize equality means equality. My suffering is the same as yours, whether I’m part of your group or not. I guess that’s another reason I refuse to identify as an a-sexual, I refuse to give the social justice movement that kind of an out. No, I’m not an a-sexual that you can now pretend to care about when before you thought I was scum of the earth because I was a white male virgin. You either care about me as a human being regardless of my identity or you can get lost.

               So yea, that’s my story and my feelings. Do with them what you will.

[minycrdjcsten-blog]

Prompt: Trans Neil gets his period and Andrew takes care of him

for some ugly ass reason i can’t tag asks again, but i finally got around writing this! sorry it took me like ten years to write this, life without a laptop is complicated? lmao hope you like it though! i sure as hell enjoyed writing this! a lil disclaimer: not a trans guy, but a nb boop that deals w that kind of dysphoria bc period.

read on ao3

Somehow it always managed to take him by surprise. He didn’t even notice what was going on until he felt too sweaty during the day and his underwear felt uncomfortable. Fuck, not again he thought every fucking month but it kept happening.

Maybe, just maybe, now he was actually safe and his body was doing a bit better he’d have the time and will to go see a therapist to get his t letter. He couldn’t allow himself to trust someone like that and expect a good result while he was hiding, but now the entire truth was out there and there was no reason to keep pretending he didn’t feel like he needed to see a therapist for once in his life. He needed to do some research first, though.

“I’ll ask Bee for names” Andrew said right before Wednesday afternoon practice when he had his weekly appointment with Betsy and Aaron.

“Thanks” He said in response because he hadn’t asked him to do anything and though he knew Andrew didn’t exactly like to be asked to do things, it came from wanting Neil to feel comfortable with himself.

They day couldn’t have ended sooner and he got kind of desperate on his way to the locker room. All he wanted was to talk about it with someone, but he’d learnt to stop himself from saying too much.

Andrew read a list of names of therapists Bee knew worked with trans people way too quickly once he saw Neil in their dorm, quirking his eyebrow when Neil stayed still, his bag still hanging from his shoulder. It was too real in comparison to what he’d had before.

And though he had that, and a first appointment behind his back, he couldn’t help but feeling like absolute shit whenever he got his period and couldn’t even complain about it to anyone without feeling dysphoric.

It was stupid, and even though he knew no one really fucking cared he didn’t give anyone any explanation when he couldn’t do his best right from the beginning of the practice because yes, he knew it’d help his cramps go away but it felt like fucking hell during the first ten minutes. He also knew no one would say anything while he showered and got dressed -except they seemed to forget half the time and think someone was hiding food somewhere every time he unwrapped a pad-, but he still preferred to wait until everybody left and Andrew was the only one waiting by the lockers to use the shower.

It wasn’t that having a period bothered him. Sure, it was uncomfortable but he was used to it, what he hated was the self imposed reminder that he shouldn’t have a uterus, and it bothered him. It didn’t even make sense, but the idea of people misgendering him whenever he went to get pads quickly disappeared when he put his binder on again despite how tender his chest felt.

“You done?” Andrew asked and Neil simply nodded in response, “Took you long enough” He complained, but it was without any heat. He didn’t care how long he had to wait to take his ass back to Fox Tower as long as he was feeling safe.

Andrew knew Neil’s periods weren’t the worst in the universe and though he hadn’t actually seen worse, he’d heard there were people out there who passed out and couldn’t move for days, from the very beginning Neil had given him the chance to he’d made sure Neil wasn’t in any kind of pain. Neil was used to it, so he accepted the pills as always and swallowed them down as soon as they were back into Fox Tower.

Neil did his homework in silence while Andrew played a videogame he’d only recently started. The music distracted him from the stress of having too much to do and Andrew’s huffs only made him want to finish homework and sit right next to him.

It was dark and quiet when he actually finished his assignment and sat on the floor next to Andrew. He yawned. He was exhausted, actually, but he didn’t wanna go to bed just yet. Sitting there meant spending time with Andrew, even if it meant Andrew elbowed him every five seconds to make him stop thinking about his body. It was working though.

Neil didn’t particularly enjoy the prospect of sleeping altogether when he was on his period because he had to make sure he slept on his side for a certain amount of time and then on his other side, plus he more or less had to stay still during the night, something he’d actually been trying to forget after his mother’s death. There could never be anything left behind and even though now he had his own bed -and most of the time he shared with Andrew for a little while until one of them woke up in the middle of the night to go back to his bunk- it still embarrassed him to think about carrying blood stained sheets and boxers to wash. He told himself it was okay a thousand times, but it still didn’t feel like it was supposed to be that way.

Andrew paused the game and elbowed him in the ribs again. Neil complained and furrowed his brow at him because he’d lost his train of thought again thanks to Andrew.

“Hot chocolate” Andrew told him before getting up. He didn’t get what it was supposed to mean besides the obvious: Andrew was making hot chocolate at least for himself.

“Are you asking me if I want some?” Neil asked turning around to see Andrew fumbling around the kitchenette. He’d taken two mugs from the cabinet anyway.

“Did you take it off?” Andrew asked. Neil kept his eyes on his hands to stop him in case Andrew added too much cocoa powder or sugar, “It’s late, you should” He continued, not really waiting for an answer. He knew Neil was probably tired and his back was hurting already.

 Neil sighed before walking into his room and changing into his pyjamas, finally taking his binder off and feeling relatively good in his own body.

 When he returned his mug was waiting for him on the floor next to Andrew while the background music filled the room. It was disgustingly sweet, but he finished it quickly knowing the warmth of it would help things hurt a little less.

 Kevin would come back at some point of the night and shout at him if he fell asleep on the couch, probably, but he still let himself relax, always on his side though.

 “You’re gonna hurt all over” Andrew said, something in his voice made it seem like he actually enjoyed the thought of Neil complaining because of his own stupidity the next day.

 “I’ve to wash up anyway” Neil sighed and got up from the couch, this time planning on going to bed.

 “You’ve a stain” Andrew pointed out, still facing the TV when Neil turned around. Of course. His shorts were a pale grey.

 “Did it soak through?” He asked in annoyance, trying to inspect his shorts, knowing it was fucking impossible to actually look at the possible stain no matter how much he tried. He turned to look at Andrew, “Were you looking at my ass?”

 “Just checking” Andrew answered, blinking as the screen changed colours rapidly.

[funface2]

The Best Jokes from the Alec Baldwin Roast on Comedy Central – Collider.com

To some, Comedy Central’s annual roast is like the Super Bowl of comedy. And this year’s distinguished honoree, Alec Baldwin, makes for a particularly great football to kick around. Not only has he endured as an award-winning film and television star for more than 30 years, but he has survived all kinds of tabloid incidents, from fistfights with photographers, to the embarrassing voicemail he once left for his “rude, thoughtless” daughter. He has also hosted Saturday Night Live, America’s foremost comedy institution, more than anyone else in its history. The point is that Baldwin’s remarkable life offers a lot of material to work with. The Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin airs Sunday night, but Collider was invited to the live taping last week, and with a dais that included acting legend Robert De Niro, transgender icon Caitlyn Jenner and controversial comedian Adam Carolla, you can bet there was plenty of friendly shade thrown and shots fired.

Sean Hayes served as a surprisingly strong Roast Master for the evening, and joining him and the aforementioned trio on stage were doctor-turned-actor Ken Jeong, NBA star Blake Griffin, SNL‘s Chris Redd, Sabrina the Teenage Witch star Carolina Rhea, roast ringer Nikki Glaser, and the Roastmaster General himself, Jeff Ross. Plus, there were two surprise roasters, Alec’s daughter, Ireland Baldwin, and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, who may need to be put down soon, as his shtick is getting a little long in the canine. And yes, that is a tooth joke, for all the dentists who read Collider.

At one point, I thought Lady Gaga was going to roast Baldwin (who introduces Ally’s SNL performance in A Star Is Born), via video, but she was just announcing that she and Comedy Central had a made a cool million-dollar donation to Exploring the Arts, a charity that supports arts funding. That’s always the first thing to go when there are budgets cuts at schools, so it’s a worthy cause, and hey, isn’t that worth it to get Lady Gaga on your broadcast? Methinks so.

Image via Warner Bros.

Glaser brought her A-game, as you’ll see below, but that’s what I expected from a pro. Griffin, on the other hand, dunked on everyone with the kind of confidence that only a jock can muster, and truly surprised me with his ease and timing on stage. I should’ve seen it coming, too, as Griffin once held his own in a roast battle against Ross, who underestimated his competition and was lucky to squeak by the All-Star forward back in the day.

Jenner deserves a medal for what she was put through during this roast, but she gave as good as she got, and went toe-to-toe with some much more experienced roasters. De Niro did his thing, but at that point, he’d been on stage for close to three hours and it was getting late, so the energy — both his and the crowd’s — wasn’t quite there. And Carolla stayed right on brand, using most of his time to rail against #CancelCulture instead of Baldwin. Speaking of whom, when it was Baldwin’s turn for rebuttal, he showed everyone why he won two Emmys for 30 Rock — he can deliver a hell of a zinger.

So put that remote down — remotes are for closers — and check out the #BaldwinRoast on Comedy Central on Sunday night. Here’s a little sneak peek of my three favorite jokes from each roaster. Naturally, parental discretion is advised…

Sean Hayes

“No offense, Blake, but I’m a better ball handler than you.”

“Caitlyn, being here tonight is the bravest thing you’ve ever done, but don’t worry, any parts you don’t like will be cut.”

“Alec once said I was like a brother to him, which is why we haven’t talked in 10 years.”

“Alec, this will be the funniest thing you’ve been a part of that Tina Fey didn’t carry you through.”

Grade: A Hayes made for a surprisingly solid Roast Master and his introductions for each roaster were some of his funniest jokes, especially his intros for Redd and Jenner. I thought he did a good job setting the tone for the evening with his strong opening set.

Nikki Glaser

“Blake, you look like a black guy made by a printer that was running out of ink.”

“Robert De Niro… I can’t believe I get to share this stage with you, and by that I mean the final one of your life.”

“Stevie Wonder sees his sons more than you do, Caitlyn. I mean, even Casey Anthony knows the current location of her daughter!”

“Alec, you’ve had four kids with Hilaria, which is incredible, because isn’t your semen just oatmeal at this point? Oooh, Robert got excited when I said ‘oatmeal!’”

Grade: A Glaser was really the ringer of the evening, as she’s really the only one flexing that comedy muscle every night. It showed, as her set was absolutely vicious.

Image via Warner Bros. Pitures

Ken Jeong

“Chris Redd… just like on SNL, your jokes have been cut for time. Let’s move on! Scroll, scroll, scroll!”

“Alec, you have five kids with two different women. Why can’t you be more like the investors in your films and just pull out?”

“Robert, I’m a great doctor, but even I can’t resuscitate your career.”

Grade: A- Ken Jeong’s jokes alternated between network sitcom and edgy cable series, so to speak. Some were a little corny, but the clever ones really hit the mark, especially Jeong’s delivery of the Redd joke above. Hopefully that one makes its way into the broadcast, which will inevitably leave some punchlines on the cutting room floor.

Chris Redd

“If you wanna hide something from Robert De Niro, just put it on a SNL cue card, because he can’t read that shit!”

“I’m excited to watch an old man figure out trans pronouns in front of a live studio audience.”

“Caroline looks like she leaves her baby in a hot car to meet firemen.”

Grade: B+ Chris Redd got off to a rough start but he recovered and finished strong.

Caitlyn Jenner

“Back in the day, Alec and Bruce were like brothers. That’s one more brother he’ll never talk to again.”

“Adam Carolla is so boring. I’ve never seen a drier pussy in my life, and that’s coming from me. See Adam, women are funny!”

Grade: B+ Jenner closed her set with an inspirational message, telling trans viewers ‘if I’m strong enough to sit up here all night, you can handle anything,” and telling her critics “if you have a problem with that then you can suck my dick… if you can find it!”

Caroline Rhea

“Jeff Ross, you are one fat Jewish man. I feel like you took “Let my people go!” out of context.”

“Alec Baldwin worked as a busboy at Studio 54, where he had to clean up jizz and coke every night. That’s exactly what Nikki looks for in a shampoo!”

“Where are your brothers tonight? God knows they’re not working!”

Grade: B Rhea may have stuck out like a sore thumb on the dais but she held her own onstage and took all the jokes about her weight in stride.

Blake Griffin

“Caroline, if you’re here then Salem the Cat must’ve turned it down. Sorry Robert, I know how much you like black pussy.”

“Caitlyn Jenner’s pussy is so young that Alec just called it a “rude, thoughtless little pig.”

“On behalf of the entire NBA and half the rappers on the Billboard charts, thanks for giving your daughters daddy issues.”

Grade: A Griffin showed his roast experience, dunking on the entire dais, and forcing the industry to wonder, should he be starring in Space Jam 2 instead of LeBron James? Could he be the next Dwayne Johnson or Dave Bautista? The charisma is there…

Adam Carolla

“Ken Jeong showed his dick in The Hangover, and Ken, I haven’t seen a dick that small since I took my nephew ice-fishing!”

“If you were offended tonight, please give a reach-around to your emotional support dog and shut the fuck up!”

Grade: B Carolla works a bit better in longer-form, where he can build up a head of steam. His jokes were good, and I liked how he pushed back against the Comedy Police, but it felt like he left a few punchlines on the table.

Ireland Baldwin

“It’s hard being the daughter of an iconic movie star, but I’m not here to talk about my mother… or her Oscar.”

“It’s nice to be on a runway without starting beef with American Airlines. I mean, why would you start shit with the one place still playing your movies?”

“At least you taught someone the ABC’s!”

Grade: B+ Ireland was the surprise roaster of the night, and frankly, she deserved a few minutes of revenge years after her father left that terribly mean voice mail on her phone. She has grown up to be a beautiful woman, and she showed a lot of poise on stage considering the fact that she isn’t paid to deliver lines, and many other roasters struggled in front of the live audience.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

“I thought Jimmy Kimmel was here but I was just smelling Adam Carolla’s finger!”

“Alec, your fuse is almost as short as Chris Redd’s IMDb page!”

“Alec Baldwin once made an appearance on Sesame Street. It was the only way he could get close to an Oscar.”

Grade: C I’ve gotta be honest… Triumph’s shtick is getting a little old… in terms of both human and dog years. When an actual dog is stealing the show from you, what does that say? 

Image via Warner Bros.

Robert De Niro

“After tonight, Rocky and Bullwinkle won’t be the worst thing I’ve ever done!”

“I was in Goodfellas, and I bet Sean has also been in some good fellas.”

“Comedy Central wouldn’t put Caitlyn Jenner on a roast until after her transition so they could pay her 20 percent less.”

Grade: C+ I just don’t think this was the right format for De Niro, who struggled with the teleprompter. He was OK, but his timing wasn’t 100 percent. Too bad Comedy Central couldn’t afford to de-age him like Netflix. I heard enough Old De Niro jokes to last me a lifetime. The man is the greatest actor ever, and it just felt weird watching everyone tee off on him like that, but at least he’s a good sport!

Jeff Ross

“It’s a Saturday Night Live reunion! Alec Baldwin plays Donald Trump. Robert De Niro plays Robert Mueller. Chris Redd plays Kanye. And Caitlyn Jenner donated the dick in the box!”

“Robert De Niro is a method actor. I just wish that method involved reading the script, Bob!”

“Caroline, you look like the schoolteacher all the kids hide behind during a shooting.”

“Adam, you once said that women aren’t funny. Well, they are, and let me tell you, you should’ve hired some to write your jokes tonight!”

Grade: A- The Roastmaster General was pretty damn great, and his set was consistently good. It didn’t have quite the same highs as, say, Nikki Glaser or Blake Griffin’s, but he didn’t have many stinkers in the bunch, and he definitely seemed to get extra camera time.

Alec Baldwin

“Blake, moving from LA to Detroit is so sad. That only happens when a prostitute’s body is sent back to her family.”

“Nikki, were you the flight attendant I was rude to? What devastating comment can I make that Nikki hasn’t already muttered to herself in front of a mirror at Equinox?”

“Ken, the hardest possible title for you to pronounce is Glengarry Glen Ross.”

Grade: B+ Baldwin got some good licks in when it was his turn to respond, but the roaster is always in a tough position at these things, because we’ve already heard 3 hours of jokes about each individual on stage, so it becomes harder to surprise the audience as the night wears on. Still, for a guy who made ‘Always Be Closing’ famous, he scored as the evening’s closer.

Image via New Line Cinema

Image via NBC

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