#sorry for vent im going thru it
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the result of knowing you're easily irritable, have anger issues etc is that you never know if your feeling are valid or if you're being insane again
#literally never know if i have the right to be angry or not i can never fucking tell and it sucks#if i know that i often feel feelings that aren't valid then it's easier to just assume#but ummm.... this may result in more anger issues ah....#sorry for vent im going thru it
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i think that if we dig all the way down to the roots of tøp's musical theme, it all comes down to that constant internal conflict between desperately wanting to be seen and desperately wanting to stay hidden. we can see how they've been making gradual progress in "managing the tension" but it's still there on Clancy. dare i say it's the central theme of the lore as well.. the reason the character & the era Clancy feels so rebellious is because he's actively fighting to Be Seen. the oscillation continues, but a subversive variable has emerged.
#also i dont wanna make assumptions or be an intrusive creep but#i think its safe to assume that#tyler has been fighting this battle since he was a kid and he still is#based on the stuff he's said so far and the lyrics of course#and that fucking aches my heart because i get it im going thru it as well#i dont mean to say i get him 100% because that impossible but#i resonate with the lyrics he wrote sooo much it sometimes scare me even#like snap back......... it i s so s ad#and i know what that oddly specific melancholic euphoria they were tryna go for is#when i fully absorb that song#but at the same time the progress he and josh have made is so conspicuous too#it makes me cry from joy and relief#because while the steps may have seemed too small to make a difference#theyve come a long way to achieve this betterment#and it gives me/us/them hope that things will get even better in the future#why am i ranting and venting?? idk#i got sentimental while thinking too hard about their lyrics lol#anyways. thanks for coming if you read the tags this far#tøp#twenty one pilots#clancy#tyler joseph#josh dun#sorry for the typos i dodnt proofread
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adhd comix
#man i dont even have the energy to be mad. im just tired#like. dont u love it when your parents exhibit symptoms of ADHD and your sibling is diagnosed with a learning disability#and instead of thinking oh shit what if the other one has smth too. they subject you to The Horrors#i cant bring myself to hate my parents. but im tired of feeling obligated to defend them when the thing they think is working#isnt actually working and ive just found other ways to cope to avoid any sort of conflict. like lying and stealing. lol#if someone took me aside and said 'hey so your brain doesnt make as much dopamine as usual and its not a bad thing it just means you#need external stimulation and reward system to function and youre not actually secretly fucked up or lazy' as a kid#im pretty sure i wouldnt be here rn with half the problems i already have. unfortunately getting diagnosed late means u dont have a teacher#to back you up at a parent teacher conference that forces your parents to take this shit seriously instead of ignoring it hoping itll#go away on its own. but hey what do i know i have squirrel ipad baby disease. what do i know about my own symptoms#AND. AND i think im allowd to be mad bc ive been doing my own research on this for years before and after diagnosis#theyve been putting me thru the WORST parenting techniques on earth. which they could have corrected at anytime but they were#comfortable thinking they were doing it right and didnt bother to check if they were or werent fucking up their kid in the long run#and refusing to acknowledge it. i just!! they just decided one day hey lets make babies!! and just looked at books on how to make#a human being survive as long as possible!!! what the fuck!!!!#im sorry for putting this on ppls dashes but i am. so tired. of bottling this up. and im not looking for sympathy or anything i just need#to scream and clench my fists to SOMEONE about it because theyre not gonna take this well up the ass. sigh#yapping#vent
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one minor breakdown abt election fears, and then onto chores and playing some gta. you know. as you do
#text post#I've been restraining the fear for weeks but i just lost it out of the blue this morning#im terrified and we've done what we can do ourselves and the rest we just have to wait and see#how my life and the lives of those i care abt the communities i want safe depend upon this#these tags aren't even making that much sense and i feel silly and like im begging for attention with this post#but i promise im not trying to do that i just. need to vent this out into the void#while i hope and plead and beg that we won't have to try and flee in the weeks after the election; if we could manage it at all#i finally have a life that i want to live enthusiastically and selfish as it is i don't want to lose it. I dont want to leave#but there's nothing i can do abt any of this beyond voting (done already!) and hoping and trying to proceed as normal thru life#so. im going to try and make transfemme ed in gta bc that seems like it might be fun. I usual rotate between making my character#look like my fave characters from various games and shows#haven't tried one for ed yet so maybe I'll give it a go#I don't know. i have to do something other than wallow any further this morning bc that's even more useless#than playing a video game for a few hours#sorry for the sad on main just. yeah
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#i am highkey full of fear but i didnt wanna scare you guys so. we stay sily hahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahaha im so scared#long story short my dad lives in florida. on the west coast. thats all i have to say#ok wow as im making this post my mom calls and says she's going back home too. ok ok ok ok ok#on one hand im so relieved theyll have each other but im also even more scared for both of them#like they stayed thru ian last year which was a FIVE and there was just damage to the house outside#i feel like ive been crying since last night. the moment she told me she was going back to florida i broke down. i just#i feel so selfish for being in hysterics when im not even in harms way but gghhh. gjgjghghghghghghhgghhghg#i need to go back to sleep but i cant stop thinkinnnnngggg i cant stop thinking ugh uuuugggghhhhh#im sorry i probably shouldnt even be posting this but i just had to vent i feel like im losing it#ffffffffffff ok gonna eat something and then sleep bye bye love y9u bye#i might... not post for a few days. but ill be around. bye love u bye#delete later#vent
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i Love pkmn but i love it as a worldbuild. when i play the game its just bc i like exploring the world and the critters. and i feel like everyone else who likes pkmn are all ppl who Love the games and competitive parts of it. so i feel a little embarrassed about not being a game-lover and competition-lover... i simply enjoy the world and the silly creatures 😭😭
#i dont talk about pkmn very much outside of this space and even here i just talk abt Guz mostly#bc i always worry ppl are going to think im silly (derogatory) for not being a proper gamer fjdkdl#when i was a kid i was able to remember the pkmn names a lot more and i probably could've learned the type matchups#but i didnt have a chance to play the games (bc of abuse and misogyny lol) so i couldn't like... learn stuff as a kid when i actually-#-had a functional memory still 😭😭 once i hit 15 i started losing my memory capabilities#and i only started playing a little bit when i was 16 so rest in shit LOL#(also the misogyny thing is just that my brothers were allowed to play video games but i wasnt bc i was a girl lmfao)#I JUST FEEL EMBARRASSED i wish i could be a Gamer™ but I'm just. not good at it.#i Could be good if i rly put in a bunch of effort but like... i got better things to do and things i care about more sbdjdkl#AUUUGHHH sorry for this im just embarrassed all of a sudden abt this djfkdl#and also worry that ppl are going to expect me to be Good at this or smth but yall im rly not fjdkdl i just sort of brute force my way thru#all the battles and everything fnfkdl i use almost No strategy fjdkdl i prefer offensive moves over defensive moves even#its just... im not good at this stuff dhdkdl#dandy.cmd#dandy.exe#vent //
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the worst thing about getting engaged is the recently divorced mfs LUNGING at the opportunity to project their own issues onto you
#like almost everyone is positive and happy and thats that which is great but then here comes Recently Divorced Debra warning both of us to#prepare for the worst and that it might not work out like#Ok girl im sorry ur going thru it but maybe now is not the most appropriate time#If u wanna vent then do it in a way that doesn't involve pissin on my parade
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i know that i have a Literal Disorder and thats not my fault but it is still so horrendously embarrassing how committing to something for longer than a week is so difficult it makes me ill
#im going insane and i feel bad for feeling bad sdfjkd#im sorry that my brain doesnt like to function and i always feel like im wrestling with a bear#ive been letting myself enjoy other media in the hopes of letting myself rejuvenate and burn thru it but im still on fire#please let me write. please dont let me abandon my millionth project#let me FINISH SOMETHING THRU PERSEVERANCE AND FOCUS AND DEDICATION#THINGS THAT MY BRAIN DOES NOT HAVE#FUCK#tomato talks#sorry for the vent sjdfk
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yeah I'm not gonna talk abt it am I...
#well thats okay. eventually itll come up naturally. and if not well. it doesnt make me feel very okay. but its not a big deal#and i guess ill meet ppl in the future who will curate a different idea of me and maybe therell be fewer misunderstandings#<- coward who CAN communicate to save their life but not in any lower stakes situation for their happiness n quality of life#we <3 repression n insecurity. maybe if i keep digging at the corner of this bit of the labyrinth with my spoon ill get out someday 😌#anyway.. theres my daily vague vent post got it out of my system#wanted to do it earlier but ended up not having much time after work n then called friends which was nice :^)#also i never have signal at work these days.. my boss has said shell get me on the staff wifi tho cuz i do need it for work reasons#its rare to need it for work purposes bc we all use work pcs n stuff anyway and not rly supposed to use mobiles in the lab#but yeahh.. god i have so much admin shit to sort out also gotta text family back before i sleep i forgot to earlier#its all good.. also my memory foam pillows turned up so i no longer have to steal my roomies extra one for my neck pain <3#ik she was missing it... not to sound like a creep but it was nice that it smelled like her a little. just familiar innit#we're always around each other so its just what being home smells like to me.. listen i have a sensitive nose 😔✋️#if we were a lot closer i would ask if i could sleep in her bed while shes away but we're not so it would come across sooo weird..#and i would feel rly weird abt someone sleeping in my own room without me there. well maybe not actually. as long as they werent snooping#<- guy whose mother used to go thru their shit all the time n struggles to not feel paranoid and distrustful when it comes to privacy#was thinking recently my ideal living situation w a partner would be separate rooms but we still share the bed sometimes#but not every night bc im a sensitive sleeper... but we can switch bedding so i can still smell them if i wake up in the night alone#like how new mothers trying to get babies used to cot sleeping each have a cloth or blanket and swap every night#so the baby is comforted by the blankets smell and sleeps more peacefully.. and momma finds it easier being apart from the baby too#sorry this is getting gooey and weird my meds have been wearing off the last couple hours im so sleeppyyyy 😭#well.... maybe everything can wait until tomorrow..... bed is calling..#goodnight everyone muah#.diaries
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it shouldn't have to be like pulling teeth for you to watch something with your friends.
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Accidentally gave myself exposure therapy! Results? Police report.
#crab says words#dont worry guys im okay!!!#i got physically assaulted by multiple grown men at a park today but someone else stepped in to help before it got bad#first time filing a police report my lack of being able to identify what people look like ever aha go brr#physical abuse trauma made the panic go thru the roof fr tho#i think i held myself together amazingly well didnt have a breakdown until i got back to the car#the amount of death threats screamed at me tho#before i got out of the car i joked about getting hate crimed but i didnt think it would actually happen my bad honesty#i knew what i was walking into i shouldve expected it hdksjdjdjd#sorry for rambling#again im okay dont worry#just very shaken up#it was a celebration for a friends birthday who committed suicide. he was trans. his parents did not accept that.#they really didnt like that i was wearing a “be proud” pride shirt to this gathering or that another of his trans friends was with me#we were expecting to be verbally assaulted and treated poorly but not physically assaulted and given death threats again totally my bad#shouldve expected horrible people to be horrible#im just glad that all of us are okay and the police report was filed so hopefully something might possibly be done about it#i dont have high hopes since i couldnt identify anyone but its better than nothing#sorry for this entire post honestly it was just a lot and i needed to vent aha
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I feel like you were circling it with that post but I haaaate reading/listening to people talk about Jason when they have the view that his character started with winicks red hood. Like something about it just leaks out and I’m like “oh, okay, I don’t have to listen to anything you say because you aren’t even talking about the same guy as me.”
And like yes, exactly like you said, it’s hard to reconcile the two iterations but it’s the result of massive trauma, which I don’t mean to be snobbish about the pop psyche we apply to our blorbos here but trauma does not mean “bad thing” it means “thing is so impactful that it changes your brain” and like as someone who went through a personality shift from being a happy friendly outgoing kid to a teen/young adult with a lot of fear anger and resentment like. It’s just how life is. Part of Jason that we all love to mull over is that you aren’t the same person even after you heal and you’ll never know how it would’ve been if that hadn’t happened but it doesn’t matter because you’re here now and you matter and the way you are isnt wrong. Thats why I think “oops Jason got turned into a kid” fics are so popular, we just all like to roll around in “you’ll never be that kid again” with him.
Anon you are so correct <3 but i'm also reeling over the fact i didn't even realize the shift from 'happy kid' to 'angry, deeply hurt and traumatized teen/young adult' was something i shared in common with Jason. For some reason jason is a character i relate to so so strongly but i suck at identifying which parts
#my dc posting#asks#jason todd#to me its like. trauma isnt what happened its how it affecst u#like yeah there are certain events that are more likely to be traumatizing such as rape or natural disastrers but like#ultimately yeah it isnt 'bad thing happened' its 'something happened u reacted to/percieved negatively that continued to affect you badly'#idk if i conveyed that right but i think its abt right#so its like. if yoi get rejeceted from your dream school one person might go 'aw shucks' and move on#but another might react to it so badly it haunts them for decades and they can never forget they werent good enpigh#smart enough#and such#so like. sorry for the tangent but like#its an important distinction for me cus ive gone thru a lotta traumatic shit that stick w me rly badly#but none of it was THAT 'objectively' bad or horrible. but im still deeply harmed by it#wait sorry now im just venting about myself oops sorry#anyway yeah. the drastic shift in his personality pre&post trauma is so real of him
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What is it called when you have melancholic yearning?
I just wish that I had someone close to me, kinda makes me sad but not terribly iykwim? Like it's soft sad.
I wish I let someone get as close to me as I want, but I feel so disconnected from everyone- I can never fully trust someone. But I want to
#sorry for yearning on main#I don't know... Im just lonely without being alone#I have really great friends!!! but I always be longing for something more that I can't achieve#Like I want someone I can call my partner. But idk when that will happen because of that disconnect and trust issues#I feel like there's a barrier between me and the world. me and other people#Its not like Im above people- nor below them. I am just something entirely else. Not necessarily special. just different#And bc of that. Im just so disconnected from others. I just want to be connected to someone#I want someone I can call a safe person to me. Someone I wont run from when I go thru self isolation periods#BUT. Idk how to find that person so its a ME problem#vent posting#vent post#vent#<- just in case people dont want to see this#the bugz speak
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its funnnny..ever since I was a child I was abandoned by the people I cared about. Even my own parents emotionally abandoned me. How can I not fear that everyone is going to leave me at any moment? How can I not be jealous when the people I love like someone more than me? How do I heal? How do I stop being so afraid? How do I accept that people actually like me?
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today worst day ever 🥹🥹 so glad to be home
#god forbid. a person ik owes me money and im lowkey getting annoyed bc i feel she has it but wont give it to me 😞 i paid for sm of her food#and i felt like she kept interrupting my convos w ppl!! i need her to get off my back#like i dont understand why she asks me to go outside to get food?? if she doesnt order??? like ik i have a complicated money process and its#annoying af IM SORRYYY IM INCONVENIENT!!!! but also man. the app was down at an inconvenient time for two days#and i couldnt pay thru gcash 😞😞#so i 1) went out for NOTHING and 2) just felt so sad idk like ;((#when i came back i was just sad. like idk i felt ashamed to ask for money bc im so annoying or smth#some of my other band mates asked if i str and i just started to PISS MY EYES LIKE IM SORRY!!!!!#idk i feel like i just release stress out in bursts like that like why cant i express these things normally#like i have a past gripe bc i used to be so sensitive as a kid i wojld cry and ppl would just give me things#and like. idk. i dont want to come off as that like im not crying for attention you asked me How are uou Doing and the doing came out thru#pissing my eyes out. idk what else to say fellas#i got issues 😞 but im so grateful there were ppl looking out for me when i was feeling annoying and was broody#i feel like a lot of ppl ive met havent been able to handle that v well and its like oh man that explains why i try#not to cry in the first place!! hahaha okay!!!#but like yeah man. idk i am miffed w this girl bc like. it just always feels like she tries to ctrl what or who i talk to#i cant wait to not be classmates w her 😔#caw.txt#vent
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