#sorry for the super long vent. it’s write this or sob until i feel like puking and for reasons in the vent i don’t want to do that

[bringmefoxgloves]

(vent cw)

i really hate myself rn. i need to wash my bedding cause it feels gross but my step dad is washing the entire high school football team’s uniforms. i want to rip off this heart monitor even though i have one more day on it and i want to feel clean and normal and not hate how my hair looks and that i’m sweating so much, so i always feel gross. my room and this house feel disgusting and stresses me out and yet my room is the only place i can hide.

and i just now sat out in the kitchen eating something i fear will affect my tummy (chicken alfredo which has a lot of cheese but i forgot my lactaid) and trying to hold back my physical cringing at how loud my younger brother was yelling directly in my ear as he was telling a story to my mom on my other side.

it something about his wallet disappearing from the locker room because my step dad snagged it so it wouldn’t get stolen and how he was ready to beat up any kid who took it (they were all freshmen and he’s a senior) and then blew up on my step dad for taking it. i think my younger brother honestly has anger issues in how he was ready to employ violence as his first instinct.

and then as soon as i finished my plate i stood up, felt dizzy as my family immediately commented on me getting up so fast without talking to them. i told them i was tired, i just wanted to get the hand washes done while i had energy left as i was fading fast. which lead to my brother bringing up last night and then i had to expel more energy i didn’t have to defend myself against my brothers half assed apology as i tried to explain what happened. all for my step father and mother to say that ‘this seems to be a communication issue’ and take his side and it fell on me and *i* should have informed my brother that i was going to bed.

however, i told my parents i was going to bed early because my younger brother was still on an hours long facetime call with his girlfriend (who he drove to see… overnight? like he stayed over with her. wtf. so it’s fine for him, a 17 year old, to do that when you never would have let me do the same if i had asked when i was his age? i smell some sexism here) and wasn’t available for me to tell. i fucking told someone, i told my brother but he was too eager to get back to his facetime with his girlfriend to listen to me as i half sobbed from my bed when he woke me up with a pound on my door, i told him that i was too- and that’s all i could get out before he slammed the door last night telling me to just do the dishes. so i told someone, he just didn’t fucking listen because i must be lazy or trying to avoid chores.

i would have assumed my mom or maybe my step father (but who am i kidding. he’s not done hand washes if someone else cooks in years) to help cover for me but they didn’t, last night they just watched another episode of the good doctor and went to bed. or maybe i just wanted my younger brother to do them (he had a standing offer to do all the dishes if i was tired a few days ago? guess that has been rescinded) but no.

instead i had my entire family telling me this was my fault while i was trying to shakily walk around to put stuff away in the kitchen. they finally shut up when i told them it took me two whole hours to do the dishes last night. and then my step dad muttered under his breath that he could hear how long i was doing dishes last night. like i was still the problem.

but i’m now on my bed and i just want to cry but i won’t because someone will come in and try to comfort me and ask what’s wrong and i can’t explain it without sounding ungrateful and entitled and weird and asking too much from my family and this fucking world

my entire scalp itches and i should finish repairing the pants i wanted to wear to pride which is in three days but i don’t know if i’ll have the energy. i also signed up for two volunteer shifts at pride cause i thought i would have more energy but this week has just been fucking draining me. i don’t want to let people down, i don’t want to miss out on my community, but i’m afraid i won’t be able to summon up the energy. i know i will crash afterwards for sure.

i can feel myself on the verge of a meltdown and i am in sensory overload mode cause my brother played such loud music in the shower that i could clearly hear it in my room, and everyone eating and talking made me want to scream, and now my parents are watching another good doctor episode in the living room with the sound up so loud. i stg i’m going to break.

today i still had to clean up after everyone just leaving random dishes out and crap scattered around cause i’m still the live in housekeeper as an adult child not paying rent, my bank account is empty (i have less than two dollars in there but i’m scared of asking my parents for more money cause i see my brother taking more money from them while they say we have to tighten our finances), i can’t get a job because of my health. i want to continue in my plans of opening my own business but i don’t know how i will with everything going on.

i’m scared and uncomfortable with how weak my legs are, i just want some time alone and to rest. i want my own space without anyone breathing down my neck, without judging me, without thinking if i just applied myself i could do things. i want someplace without my step dad asking me if i have more energy now, as if that answer will change right now in the conditions i’m in. someplace where i didn’t have my mother going on a new diet kick or shaking some alternative medicine that will surely cure my long covid and fix my gut microbiome (because if i fixed my gut i would get all my energy back and be normal again, it will fix whatever is wrong with me, cure me and make me normal again) in my face.

i want a place where i could eat at the table without feeling like i’m in the middle of a battle field and i can hear everyone’s chewing and breathing like they’re right in my ear, a place where my brother won’t walk in on me naked in the bathroom (because that happened today). a place i could shut my door without being called antisocial and leave it open without everyone coming to ask me to do something for them.

i want a place i could be alone, where i could spread out and inhabit my own space, someplace i could eat and make my own food, control what is in the cupboards and fridge, that i could lay on the floor and stim freely, a place where i didn’t have five pets assaulting my nose and demanding attention and getting hair everywhere.

a place i could use a shower stool without being called lazy or over exaggerating, someplace i could use a wheelchair because i desperately need to, someplace i could have things laid out to assist me rather than hinder me.

someplace i could dress as i want/have my hair as i want with no one questioning what my gender is. someplace i could have my own private sexual life and not have to answer my brother’s questions about my sexual orientation and identity and what i have done or listen to him boast about his conquests.

i want my own place, independent and stable and safe for a disabled and neurodivergent person like me.

but the world isn’t set up for that.

i look at other people my age or even younger who are in better places, with better jobs, living on their own, able to care for themselves and it just feels so unfair that i can’t have that. that my mind and my body aren’t set up to operate like that without a lot of help.

i know i will need help for a long time yet and it’s clashing with my desire for independence. i’m fucking 26 and living in my parents house. but i still need to stay here cause in two years my top surgery will take place and i have no one else to care for me.

i feel like i’m stuck in amber and going fucking nowhere.

i’m just…. i’m so tired. i know i’ll be fine eventually, all’s well that ends well and if it isn’t well yet it isn’t over and all that, i know. i know i just have to be patient but i’m tired.

anyways thanks for reading and i’m certain i will feel better tomorrow.

[xoxochb]

can i request somthing super domestic and fluffy maybe like a tiny hint of angst but like only in the way that its comfort, but like it would be will solace like kissing your scars and telling you how beautiful they are trying to make you smile and laugh

and if it isnt like to triggeribg or anything maybe has sh scars, if thats to triggering or your just not comfy doing that, dont do it thats totally fine just a thought

i just want fluffy comfort about any scars with will 😭

cw: mentions of sh, angst, comfort/fluff, I tried to write will with a southern accent tell me how I did…

——— ౨ৎ ⊹ ࣪ ˖

a light sensation, comforting. like early mornings in the spring, the sun not yet all the way up, illuminating a soft light through the curtains as they dance to the wind, the small chill rushing over your skin leaving tiny goosebumps. and the grass veiled in morning dew similarly, you’d know to wear the appropriate shoes to step over it, not yet ready for sandals. or maybe it’s like that feeling of overwhelming serenity when you sit by the beach, the waves cascading over the wet sand, the salty air filling your nostrils as the wind blows your hair in all different ways, leaving it messy, but never leaving you angry with it.

“this one’s almost like a heart, can ya see it?”

the son of apollo’s soft voice interrupts your deep state of reverie. yet it wasn’t unwelcoming— quite the opposite, you’d want to tell him all your deepest secrets, act as vulnerable as possible. you avert your gaze to wear his finger runs over a scar on your knee. you see that, indeed, he’s right, it appears to be a cordiform scar. you hadn’t intentionally made it out that way, actually, on that thought, you hadn’t really cared what they looked like as long as they had left a trail of crimson after the cold metal split open your skin into two pieces.

a tear falls from your eye as you remember the process. you had been in a deep melancholic state a few months back, hurting yourself was an awfully common occurrence. thankfully, the last time you had done so will had caught you in the act, you started crying, he started crying because you were crying and he had made you promise not to hurt yourself again. you told him you were unsure if you could stop, he consoled you and told you ‘try your best’ for him. you hadn’t hurt yourself since then.

“I see it,” you whisper nearly inaudibly. will runs his finger up and down it gently, as if he was trying to memorize the feeling of your skin underneath his own fingertips. he then takes your hand into his own and rubs his thumb over another scar along your palm, one deeper and more prominent. his hold is so gentle, like you’re a porcelain doll that could break at any given moment. you could start sobbing. another tear falls from your eyelids. you blink but it only increases the tear pace, falling onto your boyfriends hand beneath you.

he looks up to you with his bright blue eyes, though now replaced with a darker shade. “please don’t cry.”

“I’m sorry.” you use your free hand to wipe them away swiftly. he sighs and looks back down at your hand. he brings your palm up to his lips tenderly, and with such love kisses it twice.

“do ya wanna know a story?”

you nod. he continues.

“when I was a kid… I used to think that when I ate watermelon, the seeds would grow a watermelon tree in my stomach. my mom didn’t tell me the truth until I was nine.”

you don’t try to stifle the light laugh that begins to escape your lips. “she let you think that?”

“yup. I found out on my own, insteada her tellin’ me herself.”

“that’s too good.” you wipe your tears again, this time replaced by happy ones instead of sad.

you suppose, as long as will is here, things won’t be half bad.

༯ as the topic of this is sh, I wanted to note that if you’re ever struggling with this, as I personally have in the past, know I’m here for you always. if you need to talk, my dms and inbox are open for vents <33

[eternalera]

HI PUP!!!!!

how are things??? hope they be doing well for you.

My orcastreh starts back up in like 2 weeks, so excited for that (i can never spell orchestra help)

Also!! I began watching a new anime! Who knows how long i'll watch this one for (i have a bad habit of quitting them) but it's called 'Welcome to Demon School! Iruma-kun'! It's super cool, and mostly just slice of life lol. Dude gets sold to a demon and becomes his grandson, and now goes to a school for demons.

His relationship with his two best friends apparently is super sweet in later chapters (they actually are a trio instead of like a friendship cornor). 'pparently he calls them both his 'soulmates' several times so O.o

Unfortunately the Anime isn't even close to being caught up with the manga so if i DO finish it i'll have a bit of reading to do lol

Anyways! how are you? watched anything good? writing going okay? school not being completely shit?

that sounds like fun! honestly i might have to watch that new anime lol. might be fun! as for how my day is going- uh its pretty shit

i woke up to my dad screaming and noticing that my dog was dead so that was something. then i noticed that they let him stay outside for the night because he was sick and puking so they thought that he had a stomach bug. why is this important to how im feeling? because in the middle of the night i got up twice to the sound of whimpering the first time i assumed it was the neighbors dog second time i assumed that my brother left the dog outside of his room (they sleep in the same room) so i looked out, saw nothing, and assumed that he was in my brothers room.

but nope he was outside and im hating myself for not actually investigating what the sound was. because im a fucking idiot and my dog died alone and probably scared out of his fucking mind and i couldnt do shit about it because im stupid as hell and didnt investigate the damn sound

best part, we dont know what killed him, so we drove 2 hours somewhere to drop him off for an autopsy and 2 hours back to our house. i know people will be like 'its not your fault your dog died' but i think thats such bullshit because like-

if i found him i wouldve at least let him in, i wouldve woken my dad up and conviced him something was wrong, i wouldve at least stayed with him until the end to comfort him. but nope! none of that happened because apparently i couldnt be bothered to actually investigate the sound.

and the worst part is that he showed no signs that he was sick. he was energetic and just the other day when i got home he was bouncing up and down. AND my eyes burn from crying and my throat is sore from sobbing and apologizing to my dog for not getting up and going downstairs to see what was going on- anyways sorry for venting lol

uhh but anyways i got starbucks on the way back from the two hour drive! also all ive eaten is half a blueberry scone from said starbucks and im not even hungry!!

[renuqi]

Hello could you write sm about obey me brkthers comfritng you cause youre stressing about school and you want perfect grades but its so hard and that is the knly way you learn to get love and validation so noe you dont know what to do so you just cry,cry,cry and lose motivation ...and yeah...just comfort with obey me brothers (I apologize if this is too personal hs is just so rough haha and all of my professors suck and im away from home,dont even have time to enjoy anything...anwayss i apologize for this mini vent if this is to personal just delete the request) stay safe,drink some water and ont be like me life isnt base on few grades,but i feel like my is so 🏃‍♀️💨

hi anon !! im really sorry that ur going thru this :((( school is such a bitch !! im also super sorry about not being able to write this sooner but i rlly hope you've overcome this and you happy n healthy <33 i also am going to make a part 2 so this post isn't too long

COMFORTING YOU BC OF SCHOOL WORK

⤷ lucifer, mammon, levi x gn!reader (separate)

( pt. 1 | pt. 2 )

warnings: comfort/angst,, reader strives off of academic validation (relatable :()

- [ ♡ ] lucifer

‒ knows how it feels,, so when he found you curled up into a ball in your room with your school work laid out in front of you and your soft sobs echoing through the room,,, he was quick to react </3

‒ sososo understanding

‒ will fetch you a warm cup of tea or hot coco

‒ lets you sit on his lap while hes at his desk and listens to you rant

‒ a great listener,, strokes your head to let you know he's there and he cares

Your muffles sobs echoed throughout your room, the sound flowing into every crevasse in the enclosed room. Lucifer had been ringing your D.D.D but you refused to answer, deciding to not burden him with your problems now, and just hoped he wouldn't bother you until you were no longer in a state of vulnerability. Unfortunately for you, Lucifer burst through your door in a panic, hearing your sobs as he stepped closer to your door.

"Y/N?", he whispers, stalking closer to you.

He knelt down and scooped you up, carrying you bridal style. He no longer wanted you to stay in the suffocating space of your room as it had held the horrors of advanced classes school work, and he set you down at the comfy chair in his study.

"wait here", he inquired, giving you no further information.

You obeyed his word, sitting in the big chair, sniffling every once in a while. When Lucifer returned, he placed a steaming cup of tea on the desk and picked you up to sit himself down. He gently set you down in his lap and moved one of his hands to your waist while the other was stroking your hair. His touch was delicate, holding you as you were as fragile as porcelain.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

- [ ♡ ] mammon

‒ panics

‒ hes trying his best

‒ cuddles solve everything !!!

‒ swipes all of homework off of your desk and glares at it

‒ 'you did did this >:('

Mammon had been lounging on your bed as you tried your hardest to finish your advanced classes work without breakdown in front of him at your desk. Obviously, this had failed, causing you to try to hide your tears and sniffles. Mammon noticed when he sensed something wrong and he found you constantly wiping your face with yor sleeve, and you death grip on your pencil causing your knuckles to turn white.

"Darlin'?" he stood up, abandoning his phone on your bed and walking up to you.

As soon as he was at your side, you stubbornly turned your head the other way, refusing to show him your burnt out state. Mammon gently turned your head back to his direction with the softest touch and his eyes softened at the tears dribbling down your cheeks.

He pulled you up and pointed at the bed, you simply nodding knowing that he was going to cuddle you until you feel better. On your way to the bed though, you heard the shuffling of papers and what sounded like your pencil bouncing off the floor. You turned, finding Mammon glaring at your work and stomping back towards you.

- [ ♡ ] levi

‒ HE IS SO HARD TO WRITE FOR ARGH

‒ you'll be doing your work next to him as he's playing his game and you suddenly got a notification for your grade on your latest test

‒ your fist clenched and levi could sense your tense aura and immediately paused his game

‒ he grabbed your hands and snuck his fingers in between your fingernails and palms to stop you from hurting yourself more

‒ offers to let you take a nap to calm down in him lap while he's playing

you were revising your notes when suddenly a ping came from your D.D.D. Unlocking it, you find it to be your recent test results. you bit your lip in anticipation as the loading bar was growing fuller and fuller by the second. You had high hopes, you hadn't slept for days just trying to revise enough to get a good grade on this test, that was until you saw the big red 70 percentile on the top right corner. you felt your heart drop, your breathing became jagged as you forcefully blinked the tears back into your eyes. You clenched your fists, your fingernails digging into the palms of your hand.

Suddenly, the blue head of hair turned to face you, his hands gently reaching for yours. You hadn't retracted them away, making him continue, pulling your fingernails away from your palm and sliding his own hand in between.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

You shook your head, and gave him a forced smile, he sighed in response.

"C'mere, you can take a nap in my lap to calm down."

obey me masterlist <3

main masterlist <3

reblogs n likes appreciated !!

[winter-soldier-vibes]

Can I request HSP + depression reader (who thinks they are just weak and being crybaby) x Bucky, please? I understand you are super busy right now and I didn’t mean to rush you or anything but I'm just struggling with both HSP and depression and couldn’t help but send it right now. No need to hurry, just when you are free and maybe when you had nothing to write. Thank you and I love you!

Thank you for the request, I’m sorry it’s been a difficult time for you! I’m here if you need me and I hope that this helps!!! 

It’s called empathy

Bucky x reader

Word count: 1981

Warnings: depression, HSP (highly sensitive person), low self worth, negative self talk, swearing (that’s normal for me but this one’s a little extra), angst (more so internal idk if that needs a warning), fluff/comfort

Taglist: @buckys2thicc @babydaddy-buckybarnes @barnesplums @peggycarter-steverogers @mardema @abitgryffindorky @buckys-blue-eyes @strawberrimae @thatfangirl42 @freigeistundanderes @bucks-bunny @broadwaybabe18 @im-sick-of-failing

Taglist     Masterlist

--------------

Breathe in

Breathe out

In 

Out 

...in…

You felt a tear escape your eyes

Goddamn it

You didn’t want to cry, you couldn’t let yourself. It was stupid, it was just some shitty remark from someone when they were in a shitty mood, it wasn’t your fault, all that bullshit you tried to tell yourself. It never worked.

You were trying to control your breathing, looking up at the ceiling trying to will the tears away, biting your lip. You would not cry, not over this. Not over something that wasn’t worth your tears

Not when you didn’t even know what exactly you were crying over. 

Yet here you were, gripping the edge of the bathroom sink with white knuckles, looking up at the ceiling trying to keep the tears at bay. And it wasn’t working.

Weak sensitive piece of shit. 

What good were you to the team if you cry in the bathroom like a baby every time something remotely stressful happens? People usually cry when they're in pain or when they’re grieving - the only excuse you had was you were stressed or sad. 

You felt another few tears escape and you angrily swiped them away, cursing yourself for being so weak. 

You hated this, you hated yourself. You were so numb most of the time, especially when you were alone. You found yourself alone in your room with racing thoughts feeling like you were falling apart. Yet when you were alone you could only stare at the ceiling wondering if it would get any worse. 

The answer was usually yes.

Whenever you would go on missions with the team, you were able to push aside your stress. You had a job to do and you would do it. But when the mission was over and you were walking back through the rubble - seeing all the blood, destruction, fear - then it would start to get to you. You would panic, you would feel tears cloud your vision. Tears for those you were leaving behind, and those who had nowhere to go, those who lost someone. That was understandable. 

It seemed to affect you more than the others though. It was understandable to be moved by so much destruction. But for you everyone felt like someone you had known and loved. 

You could feel the grief in those left behind, feel the sadness and pain that they were going through. 

The same was true when you weren’t on missions. When those who were on them would come back. Whether they were injured or their eyes were saddened - you knew when a mission was rough. You would listen, you would be there for people. It was easy to talk to you, and you were very wise. 

But it still overwhelmed you. You couldn’t say no, you didn’t want to. You wanted to help but it would be so emotionally taxing for you. So behind closed doors, you would break. Be there for others, listen when they need to talk, others come first - you took their emotional pain onto yourself. 

You were grateful that you could help - but in the process it was hurting you. 

You allowed yourself to feel sad when you were alone in your room. No one could see you be weak in the dark of your room. But you never cried much just from the pure exhaustion of your thoughts. Sometimes you wanted to, just feeling so incredibly empty that you just wanted to have an ugly crying session curled up in bed.

But you didn’t get to make that choice.

The crying wouldn’t come until the absolute worst times. If you had messed up on a mission, if Tony said something a little too harshly because to him everything was a joke, seeing something gruesome on a mission- whenever it came to someone else getting involved, the tears would come. Hell sometimes even being overwhelmed in public would be enough to start the waterworks. 

You always felt so fucking weak for it. The slightest environmental stressor could stress you out too much and move you to tears. You had no reason to be upset most of the time. But you would get angry at yourself for being upset, which would make you more upset that you couldn’t control it, making it harder to control.

It was a vicious cycle.

Lately it had been popping up more and more recently. Smaller things were upsetting you more than usual. You were becoming more sensitive to external stimuli and as a result, you spent as much time as you could in your room. You were embarrassed by yourself. Both by your emotions and by your inability to control them. 

This time you were just upset that you were upset. It had been a long night the day prior, just a lot of paperwork to do. There had been a mission earlier this week that you hadn’t been assigned to, but it had been brutal for everyone who had gone. So far today had been a normal day by anyone’s terms, an emotionally exhausting one for you. One of those where you woke up tired and the thoughts of another day were enough to draw you to tears. Nothing had even happened, but apparently nothing needed to happen. 

Your emotions came and went without your consent. 

You knew deep down it was probably some sort of emotional build up - that whole quote about bottling things up until they got to be too much - it happened every time but you still thought you could handle yourself better than that. You didn’t want to vent or be a problem to anyone. But when you are the emotional support for most of the team and you haven’t been able to get enough sleep or take time for yourself - you didn’t have much of a say as to when the bottle overflows.

A few more tears fell and you slammed your hand on the counter, wiping your tears angrily once more. “God fucking damn it why can’t you just stop fucking crying!” you exclaimed, feeling a few more tears falling “Weak piece of shit!” 

There was knocking on the door, pulling you out of your self deprecating thoughts. You gasped lightly, wiping your face again. 

Knock knock

You jumped a little, gasping slightly. No one was supposed to be here, it was the middle of the night. 

“Y/n? What’s going on in there? Are you alright?”

You took a shaky breath. Of course it would be Bucky who heard you. Why would it be anyone else?

“I’m fine Bucky, it’s late, you should go to sleep.”

“Then why are you still awake?” Bucky responded. You heard him sigh a little outside the door. “Come out here and tell me you’re okay.”

“Really Bucky?”

“Unless you want me to come in there, but I don’t think Stark would appreciate me breaking your door.”

You took a small breath and walked over to the door, opening it. You crossed your arms and met Bucky’s concerned eyes. “I’m fine, Bucky.”

Bucky sighed, taking in your appearance. Red eyes, flushed face, your hair was messy - you were definitely crying. He hated when you wouldn’t admit that you weren’t ok. “You know you don’t have to be, right?”

You clenched your jaw, trying to keep fresh tears from clouding your vision. “What?”

“You say you’re fine, you always say that you’re fine until you break. I heard you crying, I can see that you’re not feeling okay yet still you try to keep a brave face. And I just want you to know that you don’t have to always be okay.”

You let out a breath. “I - i…” you looked down and shook your head, lost for words. 

“Y/n, I’m not here to judge you. Can you try to tell me what’s wrong?”

“I don’t know,” you said looking up at him “It’s literally so stupid, Bucky.”

“Y/n, nothing you say right now is going to sound stupid. 

You shrugged your shoulders, still not quite meeting his eyes. “I don’t know, I just get so worked up sometimes, but it’s stupid. I tell myself I’m not going to be bothered and then I freak out again. The smallest things bother me and I get stressed out and then I cry like some stupid weak bitch. People have it worse than me, God, you have it worse than me. Everyone here has some sort of traumatic awful thing happen to them and then there’s me and I get sad because I see other people sad,” you were crying again and you wiped at your face, covering your eyes. “God Im so fucking stupid I -”

Bucky pulled you into his chest as you let out a sob. “You’re not stupid, y/n.”

“YES I AM. I get worked up over the smallest shit, I don’t listen when people tell me to take breaks, I take everything too personally and I can’t stop fucking crying when I don’t even know what the fuck is wrong!” you exclaimed, trying to push yourself away, ashamed.

Bucky held you tightly, not letting you go. “That’s not your fault. It’s not up to you how your feelings show up.”

“But I cry at the most stupid shit and I can’t control it.”

“You’re not supposed to know how to control it,” he said, pulling back to look at you. “Emotions can’t be controlled. They just happen and it’s rarely convenient.”

“Then why do I feel so weak? If this,” you gestured to yourself “is so goddamn normal then why isn’t everyone else breaking down every other day?” 

Bucky brushed some hair out of your face. “Your emotions are yours, no one else’s. No one has the right to tell you how to feel. Think of it this way - you can’t expect everyone to have the same amount of strength or stamina - no one has the same emotional response either. And that doesn’t make you weak, it makes you you.”

You shook your head. “I just feel so weak all the time.” 

“And I’m here to remind you that crying isn’t weak. You are not a weak person, you are not a bad person, you’re not any of those things your mind tells you. You’re a kind and thoughtful person. You put your heart into everything you do. You help everyone you can. Mourning someone else’s loss isn’t weakness. It’s called empathy.”

You took a small breath. “Then why does it hurt so goddamn much?”

“”I don’t know. And I can’t say for certain that you won’t always feel that way. But I know I can tell you that you aren’t weak, and I’ll be here every time you feel that you are.” 

You nodded your head slightly. “You don’t think I’m weak?” you asked quietly.

He pulled you back into a hug. “Not in the slightest, y/n.”

[vroomvroomkachowboi]

Drivers License

smut, fluff, angst: angst

pairing: draco malfoy x reader (fem)

word count: 1.1k (1126)

summary: y/n suspects draco is cheating her w/ astoria 

warning: cheating & cursing 

a/n: obvi heavily inspired by olivia rodriguez’s song “drivers license”. i haven’t found any inspo to write, and i decided to challenge myself with writing angst since i never write angsts often. once i shift to my DR, i’ll be writing fred and draco one shots, haven’t done it yet tho, i’m in a love triangle w/ draco and fred lmaoo. HAPPY RAVENCLAW PRIDE DAY!!!

part 2

Y/n spent the winter holiday at the Malfoy Manor. Narcissa and Lucius seem to like her, Draco was super excited to have her over. Not only did she bond with her boyfriend more, but also started a friendly relationship with her boyfriend’s parents. Everything was perfect in her life.

That was until school started back up again. Draco seemed to be less affectionate with Y/n, and spent less time with her. Draco did make a new friend with Daphne’s little sister, Astoria. Astoria was probably one of the most beautiful slytherin girls, with her lovely, silky brown hair, her vibrant brown eyes, no one could deny she was. And everyone knew she was the nicest girl in her grade.

Y/n had definitely noticed that Draco spent more time with Astoria and pushed her to the side. He wouldn’t include her in conversations, he’d give her short responses. He’d no longer partner up with her in classes, instead chose Astoria.

That’s when Y/n had enough. She decided to set up a date for them, with Pansy’s help, of course. With the house elves help, she had a whole picnic date set up, now all she had to do was send Draco a letter saying to meet her at the Astronomy Tower and what time.

Draco wasn’t speaking to her much, she knew that if she wanted to get her words across, it is better in a note. She watched as her owl flew away, this gave her a bit of time to prepare the date. Y/n got all dolled up in her dorm, grabbed the blankets and the basket, and ran all the way to the tower.

Now everything was set up, she even put some candles around and got some of Draco’s favorite flowers. She sat down on the blanket, eagerly waiting for her love, waiting for the door to swing open any second. Y/n waited and waited, and waited.

What had gone wrong? Did her owl not find its way to Draco?

By now, the food the working elves made had got cold, Y/n already drank all of pumpkin juice. She fought back the tears, as she still had a little bit of hope. She blew the candles out and got up to lean on the tower’s railing, lost in thought.

Her thoughts were interrupted, when she noticed two shadowy figures walking around. Her brows furrowed as she heard the familiar laughs and giggles.

And there he was. Draco and Astoria, hand in hand. Her heart sank as she saw Draco kiss her hands first, then her cheek, her lips, and her neck.

Y/n had seen enough, without bothering to pick up, she ran to the slytherin common room. She sat by a window in the common room, for she didn’t want to disturb her roommates nor have them ask questions. She did not need their pity, she needed to vent.

She sobbed in her hands, the scene of her love kissing another’s body replaying over and over in her head, nothing could stop it. It just kept going, and going, all the built up negative emotions finally leaving her body, and it was pure bliss to let it all out. Y/n was angry at both herself and Draco. Angry with herself, feeling stupid for not seeing those red flags, and blinded by love and admiration to see how toxic her relationship got. Angry at Draco, for breaking his promise, after all the secrets he told her, and everything she told him, all the times she was happy around him, and all those times she was vulnerable around him, all that time down the drain. The worst part is she could do nothing to fix it, what’s done is done, Draco’s feelings are long gone.

Her heart almost stopped from hearing the common room door open, just her luck, it Draco and Astoria. She tried her hardest to keep her sobs in, as Draco said goodnight to her with a kiss on her pink, plump lips. Astoria left to her dorm, and as she left, Y/n let out her sobs, startling Draco.

Draco’s face filled with guiltiness and regret. “Uh, Y/n? What’s wrong?” He said, playing dumb, and walking over to her with open arms. “Don’t you dare touch me! How could you?” She choked on her sobs, she felt like a wuss, crying over Draco in front of him. “Y/n, darling, it’s not what it looks like. We were just-”

“Save it Dray. I was waiting for you in the Tower! I had a whole picnic planned out, I waited a whole hour for you to show up, I saw you and Astoria kiss, I saw it from the tower! YOU kissed her. Don’t play dumb. I should’ve seen the red flags, but I was too blinded by love to see how you don’t love me anymore. I love you Draco, but it would’ve been better if you just told me you didn’t!” He was quiet for a moment, clearly trying to choose his words carefully.

“Of course, I still love you-”

“DON’T LIE TO ME!” She screamed, not caring she woke up every slytherin in the dungeon. Draco’s eyes filled with tears, he started to sob, which only fueled Y/n rage even more. “What could you possibly be crying for?” She exclaimed.

“I’m sorry! I love you!” He cries, he hugs Y/n by the waist, and places his head down on her chest, he knew that this would be the last time feeling her warm touch. For a moment, Y/n debated on taking him back and giving him a second chance. “Oh he’s sorry! HE SORRY! Fuck you, you’ve hurt me in the worst way a human could be hurt. You can explain to Narcissa and Lucius why I’m not there for the next holiday break! This is your fault!”

“I know!” His eyes look up into hers. “Please, let me show you how much I love you, if you can only take me back!” Looking into his guilty eyes, her rage washed away. She helped him sit down on the sofa, he continues to stare, with a brow cocked, he notices Y/n isn’t mad anymore, but it only scared him more.

She didn’t say anything, only wraps her arms around his skinny body, he cautiously puts his head down on her chest, and they stay like that for a while, until she lets go, wipes his tears away, and says. “Draco, I only hope you can learn from your mistakes, I hope you treat Astoria well.” She takes a second to compose herself, and ends with, “I love you.”

And with that being said, she walked away, going back into her dorm, still sad and sobbing, but she’s finally free of toxicity.

[littlemisslol-fic]

Say... Eugene didn't find Varian yet in Alone We have no Future? 👀

Ohohoh fun! I’m assuming you mean a branch off the main story after Eugene got a funky new hole in the shoulder (haha rip), but if I’m misinterpreting the question let me know and I’ll write another one!

Also this got SUPER LONG so I’m very sorry! I’ll toss it under a cut lol, I just have a lot of thoughts I guess!

The Fic in question, for reference

1. Though I never really got into it in the fic (since it’s so short, didn’t really want to bloat it with a lot of objectively useless information) I always thought of the “politics” of Alone as one great big glorified gang war that crosses the entire area. There’s allies, rivalries, blood feuds, all that. it’s a delicate balance, where too much upset could spark a war. It’s part of why the Saporians were so sneaky the first time as opposed to just attacking, they couldn’t afford to outwardly cross Corona. Unfortunately, that’s a two way street, and Rapunzel is bound by the same conventions- even if she knows they did what they did, according to Saporia’s allies she would be attacking for no reason.

As long as Varian’s in their territory, he’s effectively on his own.

2. Andrew, for all his wanton cruelty, knows better than to break his toys. To him, in this universe at least, Varian is more valuable alive. In the wake of Fitzherbert getting shot, Varian’s been nearly docile- who knew all it took was a little murder to get him to finally shut up. Of course, they both think Eugene’s a corpse on the side of the road at this point, so Andrew’s content to go back to where they’d been before.

The Saporian base is the hallowed out shell of a series of old apartment complexes. The first time they’d brought Varian to the building they’d been prepared. I always imagined that essentially they’d gutted the basement level of one of the interior buildings, leaving tiny windows, concrete floors and walls, and to add the cherry on top, they’d remove the stairs, turning it into a concrete pit.

Poor Varian only just managed to escape the first time by slowly eating less food over the course of months until he was finally able to worm his way up an unprotected HVAC vent, one the Saporians had thought was too small for even him.

When they throw him back down there, it‘s been nailed shut.

3. Varian spends the first few days nearly catatonic. He doesn’t eat, barely sleeps; all he can see is Eugene’s body flat on the concrete and red, red, red, red-

Andrew eventually grows impatient with him.

Even though Varian’s important alive, it doesn’t make him invulnerable. Andrew’s already a well practiced hand at making the kid pull his weight. He doesn’t pull his punches, verbal or otherwise. Varian tries to be quiet with each blow, biting his cheek until he tastes blood, but at one point Andrew brings up Eugene again. He’s dead because of you, Andrew tells him, you chose to try and escape, and he was stupid enough to fall for your lie.

When Varian’s sufficiently cowed, Andrew leaves him a ballpoint pen, a stack of paper, and a list of inventions he wants blueprinted. Varian’s familiar with this, watching as Andrew scales a rope ladder to the upper levels and pulls it up after him. Something in him cracks, espeically when Andrew glares down at him with a final order.

Get to work.

4. Even if they hadn’t lucked out like they did in the original fic, of course Eugene and the ladies are going after their boy. Before politics had forced their hand, but with Eugene at least there were three people who could sneak into the Saporian base. Two just wouldn’t cut it, but three-

Well, three might just work.

They’re forced to be much sneakier than they had been in the original fic. Instead of fire and chaos, they work quietly to dispatch as many Saporians as they can. It’s a moonless night, clouded and dark. It’s an advantage they sorely need. Rapunzel works with her frying pan, so her victims are probably still alive... but Eugene and Cassandra have no qualms about staining the evening ruby red. Andrew goes down without a sound, his throat slit with deadly accuracy. Eugene can’t even find satisfaction in it, it’s too clean, too painless.

But it will have to do.

5. When they find Varian, the kid’s absolutely miserable looking. Cass kicks the rope ladder down into his little pit, but Rapunzel foregoes it entirely. She jumps from the ledge, landing hard and nearly stumbling in her rush to get to him. She sobs, bundling him close to her and rocking him back and forth. Varian clings to her, hiding his face in her shoulder as he cries.

Eugene stands nearby, feeling awkward. Feeling guilty. He hadn’t been able to protect the kid, hadn’t been able to stop Andrew- hell, Varian had ended up back here because Eugene had gotten shot in the first place. He’s still convinced that he needs to rip the band-aid off, so to speak, that he should leave Varian behind in the arms of his sister where he can grow into his own person without a dark, wandering shadow behind him.

But all of that disappears the second the kid looks at him.

Varian leaves Rapunzel’s hug, throwing himself at Eugene without preamble. He catches the kid, hugging tight, unable to stop himself.

“Hey, kid,” he says. Eugene’s eyes burn, his teeth grit against the tears. “You’re okay,” he tells Varian, even as the kid sniffles and clings to his jacket.

“You’re okay.”

OOP OKAY SORRY THAT WAS REALLY LONG LMAO I always love a good what if, even for my own stories! Thank you for the ask, anon!! 💕💕

Send me an AU, and I’ll come back with 5 points about it!

[lemonietrinket]

How Day6 would comfort you when you come home crying

warnings: some foul language 

an: i was informed about how little day6 content there was (ty @justcuz-ican), so here is more these are written for people who prefer physical active comfort rather than being left alone when upset, so i may write a set of reactions for people who are the other way round

all members under the cut :)

Sungjin

he may not be used to openly discussing feelings but that does not mean he doesn’t care

he loves you so much and so dearly that seeing you cry will wreck him

i have no doubts he would drop everything for you if the time called for it

he’s a very good listener, and will remain quiet if you need to vent

he is a fixer, and so when you explain what happened, and if you want help, he will do his damn best to make it all ok again

will 100% sort it for you all by himself (if you don’t want him to, you might want to, like... stop him before he does real quick)

he’s very loyal ok so will take your side no matter what

when it comes to comfort it would depend on how long you’ve been together for

if it’s still early days (by his standards), he will try his best to offer verbal support, and then help you continue with your day to the best of both of your ability

however if you’ve been together for a long while

so long that no one, including yourselves, can see yourself with anyone else

he will be a lot more affectionate on top of the above

that’s when you know that you’ve caught his heart without a catch or caveat

will hold you close in a simple but in no way inferior embrace

and trust me, sungjin hugs are phenomenal

and so these are no different

he’s just so soft, you would be so warm and secure in his arms, sobs gradually coming to a stop as your tears dried upon his shirt

i have a lot of feels for sungjin ok

Jae

cuddles + distraction king

will send little messages of support throughout the day if you choose/are able to text him about how bad things are going

as soon as you come home he will take you into his arms

will dry your tears with his fingers as best he can

seeing you upset has the capability to make him very nearly cry too, depending on what it is and how bad (and his day too)

will take the two of you to somewhere comfortable

whether it be sofa or bed or wherever, just somewhere close and safe

he gets it, you need the security

will settle you into his lap and that’s it, that’s your home now

strokes your hair and will speak no louder than a murmur for you

if you want to talk about it, he will listen and comment where he can

lots of verbal support

won’t leave your side until you stop crying, no joke

if/when you need distracting, those movies are going on bois

or he will play a video game if you’d prefer something different

is not above deliberately being bad and making stupid commentary to make you laugh

by the end the sadness will feel like it happened in another time

jae is just that good

Younghyun

will not stop fawning over you

he’s affectionate anyway

so when he sees you upset he tries to give you as much of it as possible

back rubs, cuddles, forehead and cheek kisses, the full lot

so gentle

so good to vent to because his advice is really sound

he doesn’t want to leave your side, but will make exceptions

and so will bring you pretty much anything and everything to try and make it better

from tissues to snacks to his special hoodies you name it

once you stop crying, your treatment doesn’t stop there

nope, sorry, that’s not how kang younghyun rolls

on the day he will make you food, yes

and then he will coax you into sleep (probably spooning or with your head on his chest, he likes that) 

then the next time you’re together, prepare yourself

as even if your day has been fine and all your problems are sorted, he’s taking you out to a lovely restaurant 

or taking you shopping and buying the shit you saw in the shop window and didn’t buy for frankly no good reason

he wants the week to balance out at the very least

because he may not be able to fix the actual problems that made you upset, but in a way he can make it up to you

even though its 90% of the time never his fault

overall, get yourself a youngk yall

Wonpil

my babie is a sensitive soul

im not saying he’s going to weep with you when you come home after your god awful day

but will he tear up? 

yes

he’s a bit of an emotion sponge i get that and seeing you hurt just rubs onto him

doesn’t know what to do really, so may flounder slightly at times

he’s used to you being quite the rock

but he’s an affection king so prepare to be smothered because he isn’t changing now

will be 100x more gentle though

if that’s possible

...yeah it’s possible

cups your cheeks so carefully as if you’re made of glass

he’ll catch your tears on the corners of his sleeves

and then will proceed to do and give you everything that makes him feel better when he’s upset

so his plushie, his blankets, his food, the lot

and then will make it a special night for you

meaning, the softest night in you could imagine

understands you the best, and will say the right thing at the right time

loyal once again, so will always take your side too

and will hold a grudge

even if the problems are sorted the very next day, if a person caused them, he will not trust them until they give him a good reason to like... ever again lol

even if you insist that they’re not as bad anymore

they’ll just be known as ‘the prick that made y/n cry’ and will get glares from him if they see him in the street

of course if they apologise and prove that they’ve improved then he’s back to being a sunshine 

mostly

honestly i think wonpil could be strangely threatening if he really, really wanted to be

tho tbh i am biased bc if i disappointed him once i would cry on the spot so idk

Dowoon

sweet babe

wouldn’t quite know what to do at first

especially if it’s still early days in your relationship

not amazing at talking but will try his hardest

same applies for physical comfort

you may have to initiate if it’s the very first time if you want a hug sorry

but he will learn quickly

and will go from holding you close and secure while quietly listening to you vent

to recognising something is wrong by your text aura alone

and preparing things if he can for when you get home

would make a small pillow fort for you ngl

i then see him making small changes to his behaviour that mean big things

so yes, when your relationship is strong and stable, he will cradle you just how you like

and no kidding his back rubs are really comforting

but for the rest of the week he will be super careful

and so will take on a few more chores despite the fair distribution you have going so far 

when walking together in public he will normally hold your hand, but for the few days after he will actually put an arm around you instead

and when at home he’ll definitely sit a lot closer to you

going out of his way to work in the same room or a seat closer to you despite being already set up elsewhere

small text messages throughout the day checking if everything is fine, and if any people that caused you issues have done anything else

he remembers you see

he’ll probably return to his slightly shy and normal self after but it doesn’t mean you’re not important to him

after all, i can see him growing used to moving to join you when you come home, and so that may become a common occurrence once he is sure you want that too

overall, a caring boyfriend, just in a more subtle way

~~~

an: i feel this isnt as put together as my others but i hope its still legible and worthwhile

masterlist

[novantinuum]

Shattering Atlas (a corrupted!Steven one-shot)

Fandom: Steven Universe

Rating: T (TW: depression and body horror)

Words: 4.2K~

Summary: A boy can only carry an entire galaxy upon his back for so long before the weight of it all finally becomes too much.

Folks, here it is! I’m finally finished. AO3 link to be posted in the reblogs.

Disclaimer: This is absolutely far darker and more drastic than I believe canon would EVER tread if this theory had the faintest chance of being anywhere close to the truth, but sometimes you just feel like being super angsty for angst's sake, y'feel? It was an interesting writing experiment nonetheless. Not gonna lie, this is kinda a vent piece. Please do heed those tags. This delves into some difficult territory both mentally and otherwise, as it's written entirely from Steven's POV.

_____

Steven knows he’s messed-up.

It’s not something he tries to advertise to all the sweet, innocent people who somehow after all this time still choose to stand by his side, but he can’t lie to himself. Spending a significant chunk of your childhood actively doubting your own personhood shatters you in ways no amount of unconditional love can ever hope to mend. And sure, he’s not his mom. He knows that. Been there, had the mental breakdown, seen it, done it. The proof’s in his gem half. He knows. But as much as everyone in his life coddles him, gently tries to reassure him while he tirelessly works day and night to realign the foundation of an entire ancient civilization...

“You’re almost an adult now, isn’t that exciting?”

“Don’t worry about the future, the futures I see for you are as limitless as they are bright.”

“Take a break if you need to, ‘kay? You totally deserve one, little man.”

“Y’know, Schtu-ball, the wonderful thing about adulthood is that you can choose to fly wherever the wind takes you!”

...it’s clear none of that matters anyways. Because it’s not true, not for him. Because beyond his identity as a Crystal Gem, beyond that bottomless desire for belonging he’s been chasing all his life, ever since the fateful moment early in his childhood in which he finally realized— small, pudgy hands clutching at the oversized hand-me-down shirt right over the pink hand-me-down gem in his belly— that he isn’t like anyone else and never will be, the truth is that he genuinely doesn’t know what he wants. Who he is.

Everyone else does.

Connie has plans. Hopes, dreams. A future. She’s already thinking about college, and aims on double majoring in political science and environmental science. (A combination only she’s daring enough to pursue, but if anyone’s got the drive to succeed in that it’s her.) Dad’s still manager for Sadie Killer and the Suspects, and they’re going strong. Amethyst has been playing tour guide to all her fellow Prime sisters lately, galavanting with them all around planet Earth. Garnet is currently on the search for terrified cross-fusion Gems still in hiding across the galaxy. Pearl, Bismuth, and a number of the boardies have spearheaded a campaign to help slowly teach and integrate the humans of the Zoo into modern day society. Lapis and Peridot recently built another barn in the outskirts of Little Homeworld, and are enjoying each other’s company.

But him? When all is said and done, as the restructured Gem society stabilizes and soon no one will need him for anything anymore, when Gems and humans alike stop knocking on his metaphoric door with handfuls of their problems for him to drop everything and solve, he has nothing left. He’s no one. No future, no clue. He’s been drained empty.

He’s just drifting through life with the parking break on, continuously waiting— his nerves jittering at every quiet moment— for the next big crisis to crash into his universe and drop feed him even the tinniest shard of purpose.

After all, what is one to do when they’ve spent their entire life training to save the world, but the world has already been saved?

_____

He can’t recall exactly when his current predicament began anymore.

Time’s been hard to keep track of as of late— the days and weeks blending together in an incomprehensible fashion— and yet simultaneously, he might as well have lived a lifetime in the span of the blink of an eye. That being said, he’s pretty sure his most recent gem troubles didn’t truly kick into gear until after the incident with the, erm... cactus monstrosities.

He genuinely didn’t mean to hurt anyone, he didn’t. He only wanted to help... to heal. To try and repair but a shred of the damage Homeworld wrought on this innocent world. It worked when Earth was poisoned, so it should work in the Kindergartens too, right?

Wrong. Very wrong.

His stomach churns as he catches a glimpse of a silly photo of Peridot and himself hanging on the wall by the stairs. A static monument to his shame. Lapis is (still, days later— or is it weeks?) taking care of her gemstone at this very moment, sure, but remembering what happened before that... holding Peridot’s cracked gem in his quivering hands, biting back cries of hopelessness as he ran to the nearest warp pad, escaping from the malformed, hurting creatures born of his own magic... it‘s the kind of horror that he’s sure will linger in his dreams for a long time yet.

It’s like he’s broken. Like his powers just aren’t coming as naturally to him anymore. It’s not quite like that time with the rejuvenator. There’s no sickly glow flickering in and out of existence. No external force acting upon it. No, it’s deeper than that. It’s not a gem sourced problem, it’s him. He’s just... wrong. He’ll try to use his healing ability and it’ll backfire, he’ll summon his bubbles and shields but they’re noticeably less durable, he’ll birth life from his very soul and it’ll grow bitter and corrupt, every bit a mirror of his present mental state. He’ll jump up high in the sky to burn out years of repressed stress in semi-peace and before he can actually do so gravity will grab ahold of him like he’s a petulant, disobedient child and drag him back to the shore. It makes him want to scream, to grind his fingers into the sand so hard his knuckles go white as he sobs out every last one of his stupid, meaningless frustrations, but instead his house is always swarming with people, and his bedroom has no real door, (and he’s too embarrassed to ask for one), and in sum he can never find enough time alone to freely be his genuine messed-up self. It’s fine, though. He doubts he’s capable of crying at this point anyways.

“Dude, you okay?” Amethyst asks with brows furrowed in concern, snapping him back to reality.

His GameStation controller rests precariously in his loose grasp, entirely forgotten in the previous moment. The game they’re playing is paused. He must have blanked out again, and completely ruined their co-op fight. He lets out a shaky breath as he tightens his fingers around the plastic grips, digging into them as if they’re his sole handle on reality.

“Yeah, sorry,” he says swiftly, plastering a smile on his face with the ease of someone who’s been growing adept at this endless charade for months and months. “Didn’t sleep too well last night. Muscle cramps from training, y’know?”

He watches her closely, catalogues every minute shift in her features. Her eyes narrow so slightly that anyone else might’ve missed it. But he doesn’t. He’s observant. He’s gotta be. It’s the only way he’s kept going for this long, the only way he can ensure no one else knows. They don’t need any more worry. Regardless, Amethyst’s lack of subtlety betrays her, because it’s clear she’s searching his expression and body language right back. His chest pounds. Hastily, he holds up the controller, feeling his face go pale under her scrutiny.

Geeze, how pathetic.

No matter how hard he tries to mask it, he‘s already falling apart.

“So... we gonna play another round, or?” Right as he says this, his stomach chooses to let out an inopportune gurgle. He bites at the insides of his cheeks, inwardly cursing at the bad timing.

It’s thankfully enough to divert Amethyst’s attention from... other matters, though.

“Yo. Ste-man. Your stomach’s straight up monologuing. Have you even eaten today?”

He dimly considers this as he tries not to focus on how empty and faint his body currently feels, mind turning to fuzz. “Uhh...”

She frowns, and promptly pulls herself to her feet. “Yeah, so I’m gonna take that as a no. I’ll be right back, ‘kay? Gonna get us some cheese!” she declares bombastically, putting on a mock announcer voice.

He watches her leave his room, prancing downstairs like she doesn’t have a care in the world. A faint huff of sheer relief passes through his nostrils. Absentmindedly, his thumbs jiggle the controller’s joystick, unable to strike the earlier image of Amethyst— concern engulfing her usually carefree self— from his mind. He really should be more careful about what he says. How he acts.

He honestly couldn’t live with himself if he slipped up and became yet another emotionally taxing problem for them to deal with. Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl... all his family, his friends. They deserve peace. They deserve to be satisfied, they deserve their happily ever after. They certainly don’t deserve him, self-destructing all over the bright and shining future they’d won.

Or nearly shattering them.

Putting them in needless danger, danger that’s all his fault, because he’s broken.

His throat grows tight, airway constricted, images of black beady eyes, razor sharp fangs, and malformed limbs invading his thoughts, clawing away at insecurities long scabbed over until they ooze a bitter red. Peridot’s shrill yelp as she’s overtaken in an instant. That dreadful, immediately recognizable sound, a cracking Gem, seared onto his heart for the rest of time.

He... he can’t deny it anymore. His magic’s gone toxic. He’s toxic, bringing suffering and decay where once he brought healing. All his Gem powers are fading, maybe forever. And with them fading, he’ll soon be of no use to anyone, and when they realize why they faded they won’t want him around anyways, and y’know, it’s probably for the better they’ll have a concrete reason to finally push him away. He’s not stupid. He’s always known what an emotionally taxing strain he’s been on everyone, ever since the day Mom died for him to be born.

Steven grips the controller so hard that his fingers grow numb, mind stewing in the dark fantasies of what he’d like to do with himself when he’s left behind for good.

And then... his heart leaps in his throat as he dimly hears Amethyst begin to whisper to the others (they’re back? They’re back?? When did they return, why didn’t you notice them, how could you just miss—) downstairs.

“Y’guys,” he hears her say frantically, under her breath, “I think we really gotta talk with Steven. Something’s seriously wrong, and he won’t tell me what.”

“What, you mean to say he’s in danger? Garnet, do you see anything?”

“Hmm. I don’t foresee any external threats to Steven’s safety in the near future, but...”

“Amethyst, he’s clearly still upset about Peridot. And once she reforms in a few days, when she’s ready, he’ll be fine! Trust me.“

“No, trust me, I genuinely think this is more than just Peridot! It’s getting me super worried. He hasn’t been eating like he should, y’guys. I don’t think he’s showered in days. Sometimes it’s like he’s... I dunno, like, he isn’t even fully present. And y’know, thinking about it now? It’s been like this for a while. Since before all the cactus stuff.”

“Well, if he doesn’t want to talk about it, I’m not sure how we could—“

“We need to call Greg over,” Garnet interrupts Pearl, a new, thinly veiled panic rising in her voice. “Right now.”

His eyes stretch open wide.

Oh.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no... Not here, not now, not— please, not now!

His breath hastens, his body outright shaking now. He curls tight into himself, the game controller dropping from his slackened fingers onto the floor as he clutches his knees to his chest. Sweat beads in droplets on his forehead. He outright yanks at his hair.

Amethyst, she can’t just waltz downstairs and!—

I don’t want to—

Peridot, getting cracked, I- it’s all my fault and she didn’t—

I- all of this- I’m so useless, careless, l- I’m losing my mind, what’s even wrong- why are you panicking!- I don’t—

T-they can’t know, they can’t know, they CAN’T—

He can’t fully bite back his cries as his gem flares burning hot, a rush of pure, unadulterated agony spiking through his hard light veins in an indescribably eternal split-second, the very experience of hypocrisy. Every single muscle in his body seizes. His ears ring, filled with a cacophonous clamor of sound that slashes through his mind with the deadly force of a long blade. Crippling. Debilitating. All-consuming. Hell. This is hell. Because then his head is pounding, and his limbs are all weak and shaky, and for a moment he’s bathed in a faint wash of pink, the glow enveloping him like his own corona of sickness as he succumbs to the pain he’s sequestered inside, bitterly festering for all these years.

Hell eventually recedes, both its note and its physical touch, but the dark clouds looming over his mind do not. Slowly, he loosens his grip on his curls, trying desperately to bring balance to his breathing. His ears are still ringing. His head is still cotton. Questions abound. For instance: what on Earth was that?? Stars, is something else wrong with his gem now, too? Thoroughly disorientated, he yanks up the hem of his shirt.

“Steven?!” Pearl calls frantically from downstairs, right as his trembling fingers gently trace the exposed facets of his gem. “Are you okay up there?”

He squints, features compressing in his sheer confusion. Visually, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. No imperfections, no flickering light, nothing. So then what’s—

“Hey, Steven? Yo?? You, uh- maybe wanna come eat downstairs, or?”

A shudder runs clear through his form, starting from his gem and coursing outwards to the furthest extremities. He grits his teeth as he rides through the stabbing discomfort, clutching at his stomach. It’s like he’s about to vomit. Sure, so maybe he was really hungry before, and maybe that has a little to do with what he’s experiencing now, but... this... still doesn’t feel right. Spots swim in his vision as he glances down again.

And that’s when he sees it, slowly creeping across the skin of his bare forearm as clear as day.

It’s a patch of dull, pinkish hide. Not human skin, hide. He runs his index finger along its perimeter, all of reality screeching to a halt as his brain performs somersaults in a desperate last-ditch attempt to contextualize the information his eyes are sending him right now.

“What?” he whispers in disbelief, (even though he has a few terrifying theories), frantic heartbeat pounding in his ears like a drum.

“I’m checking on him,” Garnet says, just loud enough that he knows for certain she intends him to hear. Solid footsteps creep across the floorboards, advancing towards the foot of the stairs.

It’s frankly impressive how fast a single stimulus can turn panic to outright paranoia.

He almost trips over himself diving to retrieve his jacket off the floor, forcing his arms through the sleeves faster than any of the Gems could ever summon their weapons. Hide it. Hide it away. They can’t see you, they can’t know you’re corru- NO! Stop.

Bathroom. He needs to get to the bathroom.

His bare feet solidly connect with the floor, toes curling inwards as he shudders again. A pulsing ache settles into the bones of his skull. Then a prickle at his neck. Reflexively, he slaps his hand against the affected locale. There’s another spot steadily growing there.

Alone, NOW.

The whole world’s spinning as he turns on his heels and flies across the length of his bedroom— sprinting past the TV, shoving past Garnet, who’s already halfway up the open stairwell, and leaping clear over the couch from midway down the last set of steps. (Everyone’s shouting in blind panic as he enters their sight. Fear. Needless, unwanted worry. Calling his name, calling for peace, but his ears are still ringing and their voices are overlapping and he can’t distinguish any of it.) When he reaches the bathroom his hand grips the knob so hard that the metal almost crumples under his force, and he swings himself through the doorway, slams it shut, and turns the lock with pink-splotched fingers faster than any one of the Gems can move to stop him.

For a split moment, things are okay. He’s alone. Moreover, he’s safe.

(But are you really?)

His head is pounding again, the pulsing at his temples soon coalescing into a constant inescapable misery. Letting his eyes flutter shut, he lets his forehead lull against the door. Flexes his knuckles, imagines the splotches disappearing from sight as easily as eye bags under makeup. He tries to calm his breathing in the meditative way Garnet once showed him. In for four counts... and out. In... and out. Come on, just ride it out, Universe. You’re a Gem- a diamond, for cripe’s sake! Control it. Conceal. Move on.

“Steven?!” Amethyst calls from outside. “Please talk to us, what’s goin’ on?”

"Whatever it is, you don't have to be alone!" Pearl adds. He doesn't even have to see her face to know that she's crying.

A renewed burst of panic spikes through his veins at this realization.

“Stop worrying about me, I’m fine!” he bites back on impulse.

“No, you’re NOT!” Amethyst hollers, and then... after a thoughtful pause, her tone softening: “I- I know you’re not.”

He stares down at his hands, brows threading together, watching as the patch of hide continues to inch across his skin. The genuine concern interlaced in every syllable of her speech is enough to make his gut churn with guilt.

“Steven, I... stars, I know you probably overheard me talking to everyone jus’ a second ago, and I know I probably betrayed every scrap of trust we ever had ‘coz of that, and I wanna say I’m sorry, but I can’t just stand aside and watch you treat yourself like garbage. Please, the door’s jammed. Let us in. We just wanna help!”

His lip quivers, despite himself. “I don’t need any help!” he insists, stubbornly pushing past the crack in his voice. “I’m just—“

He’s interrupted by a rush of crippling agony radiating upwards from his gem once more, the ache at either side of his head intensifying into three points. Hands rush to the site on automatic. Fingers grasping, searching. Discovering.

There’s something growing at his temples, he realizes with a rush of horror. Something hard, faceted. Disturbingly cold to the touch.

There’s no way to bite back his screams as the growths fully protrude, none at all, even with his mouth clamped shut, and even though he can’t see them he can sense their weight as they wind upwards and back, up and out of his curls, and he’s shaking, oh stars is he shaking, chest heaving up and down so hard he’s not sure he’ll ever be free of these awful tremors ever again, and— A hoarse sob forces its way to the surface as a third growth crowns his forehead. Trembling fingers scrape down the length of the door as he collapses to his knees, nails sharpening into gnarled talons as they sink further and further into the wood, carving through it like butter. He clenches his jaw back together so hard that with any greater pressure he might shatter his own teeth.

Still quite woozy under the threat of hyperventilation, he slowly turns his head. Extricates those dreadful claws from the door. Dares himself to look. Forcing himself back up to his feet, he gazes deep into the depths of the mirror. And as the creature trapped on the other side stares back through sickeningly pink irises— blotches of color steadily creeping up their jawline and across their cheek, inching to meet the base of those glistening crystalline horns— all known reality shatters into smithereens.

Not me, not me, not me, is the mantra he chants to himself like a prayer, stubbornly clinging to any vestige of normalcy as if this is all but a vivid nightmare he can stir awake from.

(As if deep down, a tiny, beaten-down part of himself still wants to believe he deserves a future too.)

But the darkness reflected in that mirror is following his every jerky, erratic movement as all the despair and guilt and self-hatred festering within continues to consume him like a matchstick to fire.

Not real. It’s not real! I don’t need help. I don’t need the Gems, they don’t need to know, I’m fine, I’m FINE, this isn’t corru - NO, DON’T THINK ABOUT IT! YOU CAN’T—

They’re yelling outside. Arguing, probably. (And true to form, Pearl‘s cries are the shrillest.) But he can’t be certain of anything anymore while smothered under the fog’s thickening surface, with the rest of the world relegated to mere static and stimuli. Not a word, not a clue. No way to know if it’s an argument about him or with him.

And in his mind their distress stands as yet another sign. Just another slice of proof that they truly are at their happiest without him, that his continued existence only serves as a complication. He can’t deny it anymore. He can’t lie, can’t tiptoe around the inevitable truth; like this, he’s nothing but a liability. A ticking time bomb, set to shatter everything and everyone in his path. Shaking like a leaf, he unfurls his fists, watching as the dull pink hide overtakes the last clear patches of flesh upon his misshapen, monstrous fingers.

They’re better off without you.

The passing seconds cease to exist as he convulses again, this time centralized at the base of the spinal column. He doubles over, leans into the pain. Rides it through vertebrae by vertebrae, raking his claws deep into the wood floor as a fifth limb emerges from where the spine left off, steadily lengthening— fortifying itself with jagged crystalline spikes as it grows ever longer. Its weight is entirely foreign, yet it shifts upon his slightest command. Panic overruling all logic once more, he thrashes about, the tail swinging across the bathroom counter like a whip. His toothbrush, comb, and other various toiletries he hasn't made use of in days clatter to the floor, abandoned.

R u n.

The thought rampages through his shattered soul like an avalanche. Yanks him by the horns. Consumes his mind and body like a trance. He has to escape from here, from the house, the Gems, has to run quick, before it’s too late and you can’t do anything more but wordlessly scream.

He doesn’t stop to question this impulse. Doesn’t stop to peer at that poor tortured creature in the mirror again. For a moment his claws struggle to grasp the crumpled door knob, fumbling in failure’s wake.

When he finally forces the door open, the whole world holds its breath.

Pearl’s eyes blow wide upon the no-doubt horrifying sight. Her hands fly to her mouth. “Steven?!”

Even Amethyst reacts in an adverse manner, stepping back towards the support of the wall. “Holy...” she breathes, face paling.

And just knowing he’s out here now, every gnarled, nightmarish feature exposed in front of his family like a raw nerve, makes his blotchy, spot-covered skin crawl.

“DON’T LOOK AT ME, I’m FINE!” he hollers as he sprints to the warp pad, barbed tail whipping wildly behind him. Pearl yelps in alarm as she only barely dodges its mace-like swing. Unable to hold back his sobs anymore, he collapses to his knees on the hard crystal. Coils his tail around himself by sheer instinct. Hides his face away behind arms. Hot tears spill from his eyes, vision blurring and sharpening in rhythm to the unbearable ache pounding in his head. “I’m fine,” he whispers pathetically, voice catching.

He can practically feel the vibrations through the floor as someone approaches. It’s Garnet. He doesn’t know how he knows, but it can only be her. His breath hastens against his better wishes. Can’t stop, won’t stop, can’t stop... The vision of the temple door begins to pirouette in dizzy circles around him as he arches his back, and with a sharp gasp feels something tear its way through his shirt and jacket right above his spine, all jagged and spiked and— NO! He grinds his jaw together, shrinking further into himself. Not real. It’s not real, not real, not—

“Steven,” she says in a measured tone as he heaves for air. (No, with hesitation. Fear. She’s hesitating because she’s afraid of you, she’s afraid because you’re a monster NO.) “I know you’re hurting, but I need you to take a deep breath with me, and try to calm down. Please, let us help you...”

A heart wrenchingly familiar hand reaches out to him, adorned by a ruby gem and a golden wedding band. His fingers clamp around thick, greasy curls, brushing against the horns protruding from his temples. A keening cry slips out from his mouth against his better wishes. They want to help. They only want to help...

He peeks at her through the crook of his arm, his most likely reddened, blotchy eyes meeting hers. She’s taken off her visor. She’s crying too.

For a glimmer of a second, he considers reaching out. Taking her offered hand with his own clawed one. But then...

Haven’t you been a burden enough already?

His face screws up, and his hands clench into fists.

“NO,” he shouts, slamming them down upon the warp pad. It activates, (blessedly still accessible at this early stage of corruption NO don’t think about it!!), glowing a bright cyan as he envisions where he wants to go: no particular destination in his mind but away, away, away.

After all, he already knows he’s a monster.

So... he might as well become one too.

_____

Notes:

Some days you just gotta have an entire mental breakdown and go full wyrm, y'hear?

HCs I tapped into for this fic:

After being healed, formerly cracked Gems take longer to reform than Gems who were only poofed. Peridot will be okay eventually, she just hasn’t reformed quite yet.

Steven is still able to warp because he hasn’t quite passed the threshold of corruption that prevents a Gem from accessing the warp stream. I imagine it's very much a matter of mental connection, and having the right presence of mind to tap into it. Probably a few minutes after this, if Steven were to continue going downhill and his mind fully fell into the fog of corruption, he’d no longer be able to warp. He got super lucky here.

This potential future blindsided Garnet because previously- like how Steven’s newfound maturity threw her off as discussed in Pool Hopping- she hadn’t factored in the idea of Steven being in such a low mental state. Amethyst was the first to really see past his attempts to mask it because she personally had dealt with depression like this before and knew what it looked like.

Maybe one day after SUF airs I'll write more on this topic, but as for now this will remain a one-shot. I 100% imagine Steven would ultimately be okay in this timeline, though. They'd be able to help him, stop the corruption. Steven goes to heckin' therapy. He'll live on, he'll begin to recover and cope. But that's a whole 'nother story.

Thank you for reading!

[master-sass-blast]

Release.

Hmmmmm... this thing is solid projection. Whoops.

Summary: You're exhausted. No matter what you do, you can't get enough rest to save your soul. You try to keep up with everything, try to not let the fatigue hinder you

--And then it all comes crashing down.

Pairing(s): Piotr Rasputin x Reader.

Rating: T for depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue, and general angst-hurt/comfort vibes.

Set after “It’s Truly Magical,” but this one is special in that it doesn't directly impact the canon. It's sort of a special one-off.

Author’s Note: So, as some of you may have gathered from the tags and preamble, this fic is basically me venting my own frustration.

I've been dealing with some pretty wicked chronic fatigue for the better part of... coming up on a year now, actually. Wow. I didn't realize it'd been that long.

It's made life really hard for me, from everything to eating to doing chores to hanging out with friends to writing. We don't know what's causing it, and we're trying to take care of it through lifestyle changes and making sure I don't exert myself too much (we meaning me, my family, my fiance, and my doctor). There's been a few things that have helped, but by in large it's still been kicking my ass.

I know I was gone for a long time. Part of that was the fatigue making it impossible to write or post. To those of you who are still around, thank you -and I'm sorry. I'm trying my best, I promise.

If you're dealing with chronic fatigue or think you're dealing with chronic fatigue, just know that it's okay that you're tired. You're not lazy. You're not a failure. You're not going crazy. You're not a burden. Your body needs rest, you need rest, and you *deserve* to rest.

Here's a resource on chronic fatigue syndrome and what it looks like.

I hope you're all doing well. Stay safe and wear your mask.

Taglist: @marvel-is-perfection, @chromecutie, @girl-obsessed-with-things, @super-darkcloudstudent, @dandyqueen, @leo-writer

It creeps over you. It starts as a wispy, soft cloud, hanging over the horizon of your existence.

And then it grows. Larger, more oppressive. Until you’re fully immersed in it, with no sense of direction or how to get out.

 ***

 You’re not really sure you remember when it started. You’ve always been tired to some extent –anxiety, nightmares, and running on the X-Men schedule will do that to a person.

Exhaustion hits like a brick one day after training. You slump against the tiled wall in one of the shower stalls in the locker room. Water streams down your sweaty face and body while you struggle to make your eyes focused. Shit. I must have pushed too hard.

You manage to get yourself cleaned up and trudge back to yours and Piotr’s home at the back of Xavier’s property. You collapse onto the couch in the living room. Your limbs are stone, too heavy to drag another step. Your body throbs in time with your heartbeat. I need a nap. Just for a couple hours.

You only want to sleep for a couple hours.

You only mean to sleep for a couple hours.

You wake up at nine in the evening, to Piotr gently nudging you.

He tuts, fussing over you like a worried mother hen. “Are you feeling well, myshka?” He presses the back of his hand against your forehead. “You have slept for long time.”

“I’m fine,” you mumble, mind still cloudy with exhaustion. You force yourself to sit up. You jaw cracks when you yawn. “Just overdid it in training today.”

Your husband gently chides you, ushering you into the kitchen so you can eat. “It is important to replenish energy.”

You go straight to bed after eating and sleep for another ten hours.

 ***

 Part of you wonders ‘how did I let this happen? How did I let it get this bad?’

The other part of you wonders if you had any say in it at all.

 ***

 The fatigue starts seeping into other areas of your life as well. Training, grading, hanging out with friends, eating…

You’re so tired. You chalk it up to mission stress, to going too hard during training, to running on weird hours all the time.

You start sleeping through the day to cope. No matter how well you sleep at night or how much sleep you get, you’re always so fucking tired.

Piotr notices the change in your sleeping habits. Because of course he does. It’s ingrained into his very DNA to be an observant, loving nurturer.

He brings it up during dinner one night. “Are you doing alright, myshka?”

“What? Yeah. Of course.” You’d woken up from a nap a couple hours before, and you feel good for once. (You’ll crash a couple hours later.) “Why? What’s wrong?”

“You have been sleeping at odd hours,” Piotr says, stirring his soup with his spoon. “I just want to make sure you are not having mental troubles.”

“I’m fine, baby.” And, on that front, you are. You’ve got your meds, your support system, a home, creative outlets, and a fulfilling –if occasionally dangerous—job. “I’ve just been tired lately, is all. I think it’s the weird mission hours just putting my body clock out of whack.”

“You should try to stay on normal schedule, then,” Piotr points out. He frowns, concerned. “Is not good for mental health to keep odd hours.”

You bristle. You are trying, dammit. You push through training and grading and your obligations every single damn day, even if all you can do is collapse in bed afterwards. Who the hell is he to say that you’re not trying?! “I am, Piotr. You don’t have to micromanage me. I’m not one of your teens.”

Piotr recoils, blue eyes widening. He holds up his hands. “Easy, dorogoy. I am not trying to micromanage. I just want you to be healthy.”

You drop your gaze down to your bowl of soup. Your heart races in your throat. “Sorry.”

***

 It’s like being one of those houses infested with termites. You’re being consumed from the inside out. On the outside, you look fine. On the inside, you’re crumbling away like a sad, dry cookie left in the bottom of the cookie jar for five long, lonely months.

You’ve always been weird. You oscillate between outgoing and reclusive like nobody’s business. You’re a lot like Wade –somewhere between amusing and a nuisance to most of the adults, though most of the teens and kids like you.

(Piotr insists that it’s not true, that everyone likes you well enough, but you’ve never quite had the full faith to believe him.)

No one notices that you’re hurting. No one notices that something’s wrong. No one notices, no one notices, no one fucking notices—

But, to be fair, you hardly notice it yourself.

 ***

 You kind of start to lose your mind, if you’re being honest.

It’s hard enough to keep up with your workload with the mission scheduling –but being tired all the time slams the nail in the coffin. You manage to drag yourself to training on time because it’s mandatory, because it’s important, because it’s for the good of your team, and—

And everything else falls apart.

You spend countless late night hours on the couch cramming through your grading, because you needed to sleep earlier, and the deadline’s only looming closer, and you have to be productive, dammit—

More than once, you drag yourself up to bed when Piotr’s just getting up for the day.

He frowns, forehead creasing. “Myshka—”

“I had grading to do,” you mutter as you crawl back into bed.

He finishes buttoning up his shirt, then sits down next to you. The bedframe groans under his bulk. “This is not healthy, moya lyubov’.”

“I’m fucking working on it, Piotr!” you snap, glaring at your husband. “Just –leave me alone!”

He swallows hard, blue eyes shining with hurt. He looks like a kicked puppy.

You huff and slam your face into your pillow, mostly to hide the fact that you’re crying.

Piotr smooths your hair down, then kisses the back of your head. “Ya tebya lyublyu, myshka.”

You bite down on your pillow and cry harder.

 ***

 It’s more than just being tired.

It’s guilt. It’s enough guilt to fill an ocean. No amount of effort you make is good enough; no matter how hard you try you wind up failing. Or snapping at someone you love. Or being unable to do even the simplest shit.

There’s so much anger, too. At the world, at anyone who points out that you’re not doing well, at yourself. There’s a scream constantly behind your lips, trying to crack its way out of your chest.

You’re failing. You’re trying to scoop up handfuls of sand to keep an entire dune from consuming you, and the grains keep running through your fingers; it practically looks like you haven’t done anything at all, and you’re so fucking tired…

 ***

 The ‘house’ collapses over a load of dishes.

One load of fucking dishes.

It’s ridiculous.

You manage to drag yourself out of bed one morning, trying to get the haze that seems to be a permanent fixture in your mind to clear. You trudge downstairs, energy sapping out of you with every step you take.

You see last night’s dishes in the sink, waiting to be rinsed and loaded into the dishwasher.

It’s an easy task. The dishes aren’t all that dirty, and there aren’t that many of them.

And you can’t do it. You don’t have the energy. You’re just too fucking tired.

You failed.

You crumple to the floor, weeping against the wooden floorboards as the dam you’d been trying so hard to keep stable gives way. You scream, anger and guilt and frustration and self-loathing washing over you, crushing you beneath their weight. You clutch at your hair, seething as the past few months finally come to a head—

And then Piotr’s arms are around you. (Later, you’ll learn that he stopped back at the house to pick up a gradebook, which is why he was even around during the day in the first place.) He scoops you up, cradling you against his chest. “Myshka, what’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

You sob into his shirt, beyond words.

“Okay, okay.” He checks you over to make sure you’re not visibly injured, then carries you upstairs to bed.

You whimper when he tries to tuck you in. “No –I’ve got stuff to do—”

“It can wait,” he says, loving but firm. He gently tugs the comforter over you, then toes his shoes off before laying down next to you.

“It can’t,” you cry, even as he tugs you into his arms and tucks you against his chest. “It’s already waited for so long.”

“And it can wait longer.” He kisses your forehead. “It is okay, myshka. Rest.”

You snuffle and sob and gasp—

And, eventually, you fall asleep.

 ***

 You wake up to Piotr stroking your hair. You inhale sharply, blinking to cast the bleariness out of your vision. “What time is it?”

“About noon,” he says.

Your heart sinks. “Shit. I’ve got grading—”

He places his arm over your waist, holding you in place. “It can wait.”

“But—”

“You had breakdown this morning, myshka. Health comes first.” He gazes into your eyes, brow furrowing. “Talk to me, moya lyubov. Please. What is wrong?”

Your heart rips into infinitesimal pieces at seeing him so worried –and then you start crying again. “I can’t…” You squeeze your eyes shut and buy your face against his chest. “I can’t. I can’t do it. No matter how much sleep I get, or I don’t get, or how much I exercise or don’t exercise, or what I eat or –any of it. I’m so tired, Piotr.” You let out a choked sob. “I’m just so tired, and I keep failing—”

Piotr rubs your back and kisses the top of your head. “It’s okay, myshka. It’s okay.”

***

 Eventually, you settle again. You’re snuggled against Piotr’s chest, sniffling and sighing while he strokes your hair.

It’s not a bad place to bed.

“How long?” he asks, voice quiet and gentle. “How long have you felt tired?”

“I don’t know,” you mutter, lulled to a state of near drowsiness by his ministrations. “A few months? Maybe a little longer? I’ve always been kind of tired, what with anxiety and nightmares and all that shit.”

He ‘hmms,’ kissing the top of your head. “Have you eaten yet?”

“…does leftover pizza at three in the morning count?”

He sighs, exasperated and amused. “Okay, time for food.”

“I can’t,” you whimper, tears coming back as frustration swells in your chest. “I’m too tired to eat.”

Piotr shushes you, gently drying your cheeks with a tissue. “What if I bring you something?”

You stomach churns with guilt and self-loathing. “I’m not a baby. I don’t… I shouldn’t need people to make food for me.”

“No, not baby,” Piotr agrees, kissing your cheek. “But you are unwell.”

“I’m not sick!”

“Unwell is unwell,” Piotr states, voice brokering no room for debate (though it never loses that gentle intonation of his). “If I bring you food, will you eat?”

You hesitate, then manage a small nod. “Something small, please. I don’t want, like, a whole meal.”

Piotr nods. He heads downstairs, then returns a few minutes later with some toast, fruit, a glass of milk –and some Cheetos.

You giggle when you see the fluorescent orange cheese-snacks on your plate. “You do love me.”

“Navsegda.” He hands the plate to you, sets the glass on your nightstand, then waits for you to start in on your toast before speaking again. “I think you should see Dr. Mccoy about fatigue.”

“But I’m not sick,” you argue after swallowing a bite of toast.

“That you know of,” he corrects. “Lots of things can cause fatigue. Is best to check, to make sure more serious problem is not happening.”

“But…” A lump rises in your throat. “What if this is just me now? What if… what if I’m just broken?”

Piotr takes your hand in his. He presses his lips against your knuckles. “Then we know, and we make life suited to your brokenness.”

“I can’t slow everyone down, Piotr,” you insist. Your eyes burn with unshed tears. “I can’t –I can’t be a burden. It’s not fair to everyone else if I’m getting some sort of special treatment because I’m tired.”

“You are not burden,” Piotr declares, gaze boring into yours. “You are never burden. Understand?”

“Piotr—”

“Things happen, myshka. Sometimes, our bodies just… do not work right anymore. You still deserve comfortable, happy life. Nothing is unfair about that. Nothing.” He kisses the back of your hand again when you sigh, then pats your leg. “Finish eating. We go to doctor afterwards.”

 ***

 The only way out is through.

Who would’ve guessed.

 ***

 Dr. McCoy runs a series of comprehensive tests. Thyroid, allergy, iron deficiencies, vitamin deficiencies, glucose levels—

It comes back negative. All of it.

On one hand, it’s a good thing, given that you don’t have some sort of life-threatening condition that needs treating.

On the other hand, you just feel worse. It’s like proof that you have no excuse, that you’re tired for no reason, and that you just need to try harder.

“You are trying,” Piotr says when you admit as much. He draws you into a hug and kisses the top of your head. “We just need to find tools so that trying isn’t so hard.”

“What if there’s nothing?” you ask in a horrified whisper. “What if we try everything and nothing works?”

He kisses the top of your head again. “Then that is okay, too. However you are is okay, myshka.”

 ***

 “How’s the tai chi going?”

You shrug. “It’s fine.” Nathan had switched you over to low impact exercise the second he got wind of your fatigue issues. “Wade likes to do it with me; we like to try and incorporate lame dance moves into our sets to see if Nathan’ll catch us doing it.”

Alyssa chuckles and shakes her head. “And does he?”

“He definitely did when Wade started doing the worm.”

The two of you laugh together.

“And how’s your task setting going?” Alyssa asks when you both settle back down. She grins when you scowl. “Ooh, I knew that’d be your reaction. I knew you were not going to like it one bit. You keep trying to eat the whole whale, sweetheart. You’re gonna choke!”

“I know, I know.” You sigh, frustrated and dejected in equal measure. “It’s just… hard. I used to be able to do so much more. And now –it’s like my body was stolen away from me.”

“I know, sweetheart. And I’m so sorry. But it’s important that you learn to readjust your scope for what’s reasonable and what’s not. Otherwise, you’re gonna keep spinning yourself in anxious circles –and you’re gonna keep making the fatigue worse by overworking yourself.”

You groan and rub at your face with your hands. “It just… it feels wrong! Like I’m being lazy! I don’t have a reason to be so tired.”

“Sure you do,” Alyssa says, as if it’s that simple. “Your body is healing. You spent a lifetime being traumatized and abused. Your body put itself on hold to help keep you alive. You’ve dealt with your anxiety, depression, and trauma to the point where you’re stable, so now all those years of stress and pain are finally catching up. This is your body’s way of saying ‘hey, it’s my turn!’ So, now you need to listen to it.”

“But what if I don’t get better?” you ask, voice fraying. “What if I’m like this forever?”

She shrugs, tucking her braids over her shoulder. “That could happen; the amount of trauma you went through would be more than enough to result in a permanent presentation of chronic fatigue syndrome. But it could also get better, too. There’s no point in trying to predict the outcome.”

“But if I don’t get better, I’ll have to step down from being an X-Man.”

“There is more to this life than being an X-Man, honey,” Alyssa says, smiling warmly at you. “You have an entire world to discover. You just might have to do it at a different pace than everyone else. Your goal isn’t to get back to being an X-Man. Your goal is to take care of yourself.”

You tuck your knees under your chin and wrap your arms around your legs. “That doesn’t feel like enough.”

“How come?”

“Because it’s me. I have to do more to make up for the fact that it’s me.”

Alyssa points her pen at you. “That’s the anxiety and depression talking. You are more than enough, just as you are. Your worth is not based on your productivity or what you can offer to society. It’s based on your existence as a human being, that’s all.”

You drop her gaze, opting to look down at the ornate, ocean blue rug she keeps in her office instead.

“I want you to keep working on adjusting your goal setting,” Alyssa says as she jots down a few notes in your file. “Three things a day, whether it’s chore, work, or self-care related. Nothing else goes on that list unless you need to remember to do it, like taking your meds. Okay?”

You mutter your assent.

“Attagirl. I also want you to do your positive affirmations. Three times a day, plus whenever you get caught in negative thought patterns.”

You groan and slump down on the couch. “No! Positive affirmations suck!”

“They’re wonderful,” Alyssa fires back, chuckling. “They’re so good for you, so good for your brain…” She laughs when you retch, then closes your file and stands. “Alright, sweetheart. Keep at it. I’ll see you next week.”

Piotr looks up when you walk out of Alyssa’s office. “All done?”

“She’s making me do more positive affirmations,” you grumble (you can hear Alyssa laugh at your admission).

“Ah, is good for you,” Piotr says as he ushers you down the hall. “Good to say truth out loud.”

You retch again. “Not you, too. I need to go find Wade. He’ll understand.”

Your husband chuckles and shakes his head. “Come on, myshka. Back home with you.”

“Why does it have to be so far?” you groan. “It’s so much walking.”

“Are you feeling tired?”

You sigh. “Honestly, yeah. I’m really wiped out.”

Piotr puts an arm around your shoulder in a one-armed hug. “I am sorry, moya lyubov’. Would you like me to carry you?”

“I shouldn’t need carrying.”

Piotr stops. He cups your face in his massive hands, making you look up at him. “Is not about ‘should’ or ‘should not.’ If your body needs help, then you need help.”

You hesitate, but ultimately nod. “Yeah. I’d be nice if you carried me.”

He nods. He waits until you two are outside, then kneels so you can clamber on his back. “Hop on, myshka.”

You loop your arms around his neck. You wait until he has his arms looped around your legs, then point in the direction of your house. “Home, Jeeves.”

Piotr chuckles. “I am transport service, now?”

“Damn right.” You gently slap his burly chest. “Mush. I want Poptarts.”

Piotr laughs again, then sets off across the lawn.

 ***

 You’re not alright. Not technically. Alyssa’s right that you’ve been hurt. Healing takes time, and you’re just beginning your journey.

But you’ve got Piotr. Your family. Your friends. You’ve got Dr. McCoy and Alyssa as professional support. You have a home to rest in when you’re weary.

You’re okay –and on the days that you’re not, you will be.

And that’s more than enough.

[kichimiangra]

I only needed 5 minutes...

A story of my day.

I Dunno who actually wants to read this? I wouldn't even want to. But I feel like I need to vent. The last couple of weeks have been fucked... but yesterday I ruined the day... again. I've been doing that alot lately. Almost every other Saturday since August. I hope venting makes me feel better if nothing else. I'll probably delete this later because I don't like leaving a notable paper trail of this stuff that anyone can find. Nothing but trouble comes of that. When I'm on my pc I'll put this under a read more because I dunno how to do that on mobile.

-----------------------

The Holidays are almost over and I am running out of time to get done. One thing in particular, a gift, is unfortunately gone. My mom has orchestrated all of Christmas, even down to the gifts other people are getting for her... and she's not happy about it. She feels like nobody is willing to lift a finger to help her make Christmas happen. I wanted to surprise her.

She loves making soap. I'm not good at sculpture but I wanted to make a custom soap mold for her. I began with the original that would be used to make the mold. It took days upon days of trying and retrying to get it satisfactory, including one failure where my momnpoked her head in and I slammed my chin down on it so she wouldn't see, though my dad swears my mom never pokes her head into my room... but like she does???

Anyway... I finally had my original, though I think I could do better there's not much time left. I ordered a silicone mold kit and went to work... and it failed immensely. BUT there's still a little time left! I'll order another. Now THIS time was frustrating.

My mom wasn't being nosy... but literally EVERYTIME I got the stuff out to work on she would be there by sheer coincidence! Wait until she's asleep? Dad will have a coughing fit and wake her up and she'll wander out into the kitchen. Wait until she's out of the house? She never leaves. Wait until she does? She forgot something and comes home unexpectedly and I have to quickly hide my shit. She's not doing it on purpose but it gets more and more frustrating that I just can't just fucking get this done! Like... Jeebus Christmas! My dad says this doesnt happen but... it does????? And then I fuck up my second attempt. Fuck... I have less time...

But that's okay! I have enough time to order another kit! I've only spent 80$ so far with nothing to show but third times a charm!!!

Once again I just can't get the time to get this done. She's always there, or up, or poking her head in. It's almost cartoonish! But I have not time left. It has to be today.

My folks go down for an afternoon nap and I immediately get to work. I get toward the end of working, all's going well. I only need 5 minutes...

Then my dad gets up and my moms not far behind. Fuck... I can't move the mold yet... fuck. I just need 5 fucking minutes! I'm wrestling with curious cats. Fuck... My dad is useless at maybe luring my mom away. Fuck... my mom insists she needs to be in that same corner I'm working at. Fuck...! I just need five minutes!!!

Then of course disaster strikes... there's a crack or a hole in my original and silicone is leaking out! I had barely enough silicone to even make this happen! I can't afford to lose anymore! Fuck! I need to fix this! I just need 5 minutes to fix this!

I'm getting frustrated to the point I am starting to do that angry sob thing. I take it to another room now that I can move it. I just need 5 minutes to fix this! My parents follow my to the other room to find out what's wrong. Honestly my dad knows what I'm trying to do so given the context what do you thing is wrong dad? Clearly something has gone wrong with my mold. I tell him to go away cuz really I'm trying to fix this and I need to be left alone. I need five minutes to fix this... but he won't leave until I tell him what's wrong. I try to whisper it to him, the mold is leaking, I don't have enough silicone, nowhere local sells it, I can't get more in time. But his hearing has gone so he can't hear what I'm saying! He wants me to speak up but mom is just around the corner in the other room! I need him to fucking go. I'm frustrated and I tell him rudely "Just fuck off! I have to fix this!" Rude and inappropriate I know... but I just need 5 fucking minutes to fucking fix this I am sobbing at this point.

My dad leaves but of course my mom comes in next and wants to know what's wrong. I'm being very curt with her using my body to block the sight of my mess, telling her as calmly as I can, which isnt very calm, that nothings wrong, no she cant help me fix it, I'll tell her later, go back to the kitchen. I don't swear at my mother. That is important. I just need 5 minutes to fix this!

Finally the leak stops but so much silicone is on my baking tray that the mold is no longer submerged. I use a plastic spoon to get as much as I can back in the mold but it's not enough. I'm covered in silicone up to my wrist, and it's also in my hair. I put it up on a high shelf because the cats helped ruin mold #2 and sit down to mourn the loss of the only gift I had for my mom. I had no backup plans and this ones a bust.

I just need 5 minutes to calm down. I was rude to my parents and need to apologize to them, but first I need 5 minutes to just calm down and breath. Maybe I can find another gift in time? Maybe I can just wrap the original and promise in the nearish future when I can procure more silicone that she will have a mold? First I need to calm down. Then I need to apologize.

My dad comes into the room and chews me out about how rude as I was and how I need to go apologize to my mother. I hate when they do this, now when I apologize it's because I was told to, not because I took the initiative to. My folks can't comprehend I would otherwise apologize if not being told. All I wanted was 5 minutes to calm down.

I go and apologize. I am not the good guy in all of this, I am an adult. An autistic adult but an adult nonetheless, and being rude to my parents was inappropriate regardless. I didn't get my 5 minutes but off to apologize I go. "I'm sorry I lashed out guys. I was doing something, it didn't go my way, I got super frustrated and you guys were just there by coincidence. I didn't mean to lash out." I did mean what I said.

Mom didn't see it that way. My mom is very passive aggressive and honestly I get to be one of the reasons today she hates living here in this house and around us because all we do is "abuse" her physically and verbally. She hates living here and she hates being around us. I apologized again because great. Once again Kacey ruins everything. I need to stop being upset about this shit it's like every other saturday! She continues about how much she hates it here. I leave the room trying and failing not to sob.

My mom also gets up and goes to another room. Whatever she's doing is loud and she's quite verbal about it. I go back to my room, I just need 5 minutes to cry and calm down again. I still have other shit to do for Christmas too.

My mom comes by with a box and puts it on the table, with a sharpie she writes "Christmas soap fail 2020" and tells dad to take it to the basement. For context we had been making soap kits for xmas gifts. I had coworkers who got me gifts. I was dissuaded from buying them much in return because we were makin by the soap gift bags. Those where the soaps... I have nothing in return to give my coworkers. I don't have enough time... all the while my mom is still going off. Later my dad says it wasn't all my fault, he had done something to upset her earlier in the day, then my older sister, I was just the straw that broke the camels back. But honestly in this family it's whatever baby wants; baby gets." And what baby wants is to be mad at me.

I go upstairs and hide in my brother's room. Surprisingly despite the fact that my mom acts like he is one of the only people who care about her and defend her, he was the first one to tell me "Fuck her. If she wasn't going to be mad at you it was going to be something else. Now watch me play Aladdin on Sega genesis!"

After a while my younger sister came over to do her laundry. I began to quietly tell her what the flippity floop she walked in on. In the middle my mom came out and started chewy us out. Y'know, don't let her interrupt us from talking privately amongst ourselves about how much of a bitch she is. Her words not mine. And to be fair I was telling my sister about how I lashed out and caused this. But my mom doesn't like when we sibs talk privately, though she also doesn't like if we overhear what her and my dad talk about privately. Double standards I know.

I thought maybe if I explained what was up maybe she'd understand? So I out myself. I was trying to make her a surprise gift. She orchestrated ALL of Christmas and I just wanted to surprise her. Everything started going wrong and I was getting frustrated because she woke up and entered the room at an AWFUL time and I couldn't get me and my wip gift away from her seeing which made everything worse. Now one thing to know about my mom, explaining oneself is equated to excusing your behavior... and she does not tolerate that. She chews me out more. I'm sobbing again.she insists I told her to fuck of and get away from me... even though I did NOT curse at my mom... at all. I was rude but I did NOT say that! I repeat that I had just wanted to surprise her. She tells me about how unsurprised she is that this is how her day ends. She tells me that she doesn't want whatever trinket I was making for her because now it's tied up in the baggage of having apparently told her to fuck off and get away from me, that she doesn't want another in a long line of ass-kissy gifts because that makes being rude to her okay. It wasn't an ass kissy gift in response to being rude to her... it was a custom made Christmas gift for her... because I thought she'd be surprised? Because I thought it'd make her happy? Though I guess it doesn't matter... she doesn't want it anymore. She doesn't care what it was. Now it is a bad reminder of me treating her like everyone in her whole life has except specifically people who are dead. I have ruined quite a few things.

Honestly... I love my mom. I love her so much and I wish she could be happy. I want to do things to make her happy. But when she tells me that I am just one of the things that make her wanna run away to another state and tell no ody where she went and love alone... I'm not gonna sugar coat it, I wish I was dead.

I am a 29 year old autistic woman. I feel like a failure at growing up. I have stressed part of my colon into not working anymore. I still live at home with my parents and work in a minimum wage fast food job. I have few friends and I speak to them infrequently, but if you are at a place where I call you friend... we could not talk for 10 years and your still my friend until officially broken up. I surround myself with animals and I play with a digimon tamagotchi. My sisters have grown up jobs and drive and live in an apartment away from home and I feel like a failure because I missed all these adulting milestones. I feel CONSTANTLY guilty about everything. I feel like I can't say "hey let's do a shark mermaid themed charity zine and all the proceeds can go to buying preservatives for Rosie the dead great white shark!!!" Without the guilt at the mere idea that someone will tell me "Wow... you care more about a dead shark than say... real living people? You know there's no water in Flint right???" Without feeling guilty that... yes? I like a dead shark more than living people? I don't like people? Also shark is cool? I feel guilty that if I call a day off work SOMEONE ELSE has to be inconvenienced to work my shift. I feel guilty playing World of Warcraft because I'm accused of "Chasing a time I view as better" instead of growing up and moving on. I feel guilty about wanting to ask for someone else's time because they too have shit to do. I feel guilty about so many things...

And I feel guilty when my mom says I'm just another abuser in her life. Her fuse is so short it takes almost nothing to set her off. You have to be calm and happy all the time or she has to "walk on eggshells because anything she does can set US off!"

When my mom is mad at me like that... I hate myself. I have some dark thoughts on a normal day but when she's mad at me in this specific way... I wish I could just unexist. Or go to sleep and just not wake up. I can always logic my way away from the dark thoughts... but they're there nonetheless. And when I'm one of the things that makes my mom want to run away? Then I just wish I was dead really. Or just unalive. Not since I was 14 at least. I don't want to die. Just cease to be. I don't know if that counts as being suicidal but I'll tag for it anyway.

I don't normally talk about this shit with people. I don't wanna look like I'm crying out for attention or help or pity. I don't talk to my folks about it because there's never a good time. When I try to hint it's not taken seriously, and when things aren't bad I don't feel as bad. Keeping quite hasn't made me feel better so maybe just typing this out and being heard will make me feel even slightly better? Like a diary entry.

There's more to the morbs in my life but for now I leave it as this. It's 7am, I am in bed and have dried silicone in my hair and under my nailes, and I have work today. Who knows, maybe it'll all blow over like it never happenned like the bipolar way things go in my family sometimes. Maybe I'll get out of work and my folks will be happily dancing in the livingroom to sugar pie honeybunch like teenagers in love and I will be the only one stressed about it.

Don't take this post at face value. This is only my side. The human brain is flawed and the human ego will remake memories to protect itself. I normally turn to siblings who where there at the time to tell me if what I think happenned really happenned that way.... but I've also been informed that my siblings don't want to deal with me, and don't have the balls to call me out on my bullshit so will tell me whatever I want to hear, so really... I don't even trust that my recount of events even happenned that way.

Maybe I'll continue the story in another post?

And now

I go to bed. Goodnight. I am a tired bitch. I probably only just need 5 minutes to fall asleep.

P.s. I'm sorry if you read all that. It's a bummer. I know. I'll hide it under a read more when I'm on pc.

[coasttocoastreads]

Welcome back to Week 2 of Coast to Coast Reads! Who’s still alive? Katya and I are dying while social distancing, but at least we had a few laughs discussing this book:

Crescent City (House of Blood and Earth) // Sarah J Maas

★★ / ★★★★★

Summary in one two gif(s):

Real Summary:

Crescent City, a place where vanir (supernatural beings such as angels, fae, shifters, etc.) and humans freely mingle and go about their days. Bryce Quilan is a 20-something fae/human who’s still reeling from the murder of her friends 2 years ago. But after she’s commissioned to help search for an ancient artifact, Bryce, along with her new angel partner Hunt, unearth previously buried secrets about the murder that threaten to expose a worldwide conspiracy. 

Pros:

Great side characters. I would die for each and every one of them.

Lots of different mythological creatures! Not just another Fae Book™️

Cons:

It’s literally ToG 2-7 combined. If you read Throne of Glass, you’ve already been spoiled for this book. 💀💀💀

It’s wayyyy too long

Drags a lot in the beginning

Plot .5/5 (the .5 is for you, Lehaba)

What can I say. SJM literally plagiarized herself by taking the plotline of the tog books and translating it to this new setting. The writing itself was subpar, and most of the time it felt like the author herself had no idea where the plot was going, instead letting it drag on until a plot twist that makes no sense is revealed. (You’ll know which one I’m talking about when you get there.) I’ll compare CC with ToG with spoilers under the cut. 

Pacing 2/5

The beginning is full of info-dumping as SJM tries to set up this world which is metaphorically like ours, but everyone’s hot and does fantasy cocaine all the time.  It narrates boring day-to-day schedules that could have been condensed into a paragraph and at times I was tempted to skip ahead. The plot does pick up near the last 25% though, so I’ll give it that. 

Worldbuilding 2.5/5

It was confusing. To be fair, after all the info was dumped at the beginning, I didn’t bother going back to try to figure things out when they popped up again after. But like still??? I think I only started understanding the hierarchy of the government with the Asterrii(?). Also what are the Triarii I am still lost. SJM attempts to blend a more modern society with one of fantasy creatures, and for the most part it succeeds, but it often just feels...strange. I think the one thing I’m most hung up about is why swords and guns still coexist. Like ??????? it’s one or the other plssssss abandon the “aesthetic” Also while they literally have cell phones and keurig machines there aren’t common things like cars? Why.

Characters: (This is unconventional, bear with me)

Main Characters: -infinity/5 they could go die for all I care

Bryce and Hunt were both super unlikeable, 10/10 would let fall from a cliff. They are literally just rewrites of Aelin and Rowan? Bryce is like ahahaha yeah people think I’m Just a dumb vapid Female™️ who parties too much and gets trashed but SIKE I’m actually the chosen one and I’ve been hiding it this whole time because I didn’t want to hurt people’s feelings uwu. And did I mention I’m actually a trained Warrior who can keep up with The Boys? It’s Aelin y’all. There are numerous times where a character says that she’s not stupid and I’m like...are you sure... This girl makes the poorest decisions, yet ofc, there aren’t any long term consequences... (Also 99% of her problems come from ghosting people literally just respond with “k” sis)

Hunt is... idek what to say about Hunt. He’s just Rowan but in angel form. His inner monologue cycles between I must pay off my debt so I can gain Freedom 😔, why is Bryce so hot 🥴, and Shahar 😭. Once again, literally Rowan who also was bound to some evil villain, had the hots for their CENTURIES YOUNGER pupil/protectee, and had an old lover die tragically which led to them believing they can never find love again UNTIL BryLin comes along. Snooze. 

Side Characters: Infinity/5 

Ruhn Danaan was the most valid character and that’s the hill I’ll die on. He literally just wanted to protect his sister cuz she’s stupid af but she keeps pushing him away bc he’s an “alphahole” (haha how subversive :/) I want a whole book about him and Hypaxia, preferably fanfiction so I don’t have to read “soft feminine breathing” ever again.

Literally all the supporting cast- Lehaba, Therion, Ithan, Jesiba, Flynn, Connor, etc, etc. had more compelling characters and side stories than Bryce/Hunt. I was 100% more invested in them and I can’t wait to read/write more about them. 

(Pls let me marry Jesiba Roga or Therion 🥺)

But while the people on the “good” side were spectacular, the villains all felt one-dimensional and the product of over-recycled and overused tropes mashed together. Sandriel and Pollux are literally just Maeve and Cairn (is that his name)

I’d recommend for:

People who loved Throne of Glass and are lamenting the absence of new content. Please read about Rowaelin 2.0

People stuck at home during this global crisis and have too much time on their hands. (If you need that free epub, hmu)

People who are willing to skip all scenes that feature just Bryce and/or Hunt 

People who hate themselves

Would I travel here?

Sorry, what? Already shredded my passport, not getting a replacement, sorry. 

Overall thoughts:

I wish I could somehow take those hours of my life back but alas. 

See y’all in two weeks with a hopefully better book selection,

Tiff

Spoilers under cut

Okay time to VENT

OKAY so CC=ToG, let’s break down how

Danika’s death is the Nehemia Incident, setting the mc up for a journey of self discovery/reclaiming their power. They both show up as ghosts later to encourage mc in a time of great self-struggle.

Syrinx if Fleetfoot. bc all female mc’s need a pet to reveal her Feminine and Soft side

Sandriel and Pollux are Maeve and Cairn. Evil female character with vast power and her torturer? COOKIE CUTTER FORMULA. The scene where Bryce offers herself up for Hunt in the lobby also kinda mirrors that scene in..HoF? QoS? Don’t remember, but pretty sure that happened. Also that scene was so fucking dumb, I really thought Bryce had a Smart Plan, but I was bamboozled once again. 

A gem from my notes: “Bryce is Aelin but with cocaine”

I think the whole demon portal thing is a ripoff of ACOWAR (or is it KoA I can’t even remember), sacrificing yourself to close the rift, etc, etc. 

Anyways, Bryce = Aelin, a party-girl front with a sob backstory that’s her superpower origin story who always has a Plan. 

Hunt = Rowan, broody warrior busy repaying debts getting orders they don’t want while pining over a lost love. They reluctantly let the female mc in and voila they’re in LOVE

The whole “plot twist” that revealed Hunt’s true plan along was so fucking dumb...

It wasn’t a plot twist, it was just plain bad writing

There was no set up at all, nothing alluding to Hunt secretly masterminding an attempted coup with the help of Magic Meth

The whole time I was like “...this is part of their plan right. There’s no way he legit planned this...”

Character’s POVs should reveal what they’re thinking, even if you’re just hinting at something to reveal later...this was just lazy

Another thing that really rubbed me the wrong way was the sudden reveal that Fury and Juniper had been in a relationship the whole time? Despite like above, there was no prior allusion to that?

It felt like half-assed representation at best and completely irrelevant to the story with it coming up again in a throwaway line near the end

Also? I’m fairly certain there was a scene in the beginning where they were all out clubbing and Juniper hooked up with some rando while Fury was also at the club with them? Was this before they got together or did SJM insert this so last minute that no one caught it?

Wtf is sunball. Can someone just help me out here.

Some people have been saying Hunt is Asian coded? Where???!!!!! All I’m seeing is the same stuff she pulled in ACOTAR where all the Illyrians were tan so people could claim they were poc for woke points but not get in trouble for art depicting them as white ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

SJM pls stay away from “like calls to like” you don’t deserve it

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #252

my personal laptop has to be fixed, so therefore i don’t have games to play, so expect plenty of these to pass the time lmao.

Have you ever said something just to see what kind of reaction you’d get? No, not that I remember. Have you ever confronted someone about using too much chat-speak? ??? No??? Have you ever revealed someone’s secret, after promising not to tell? No. Secrets are one thing I'm very serious about respecting. What is one emotion that you experience regularly? STRESS, MOTHERFUCKER. Describe the last major change you made concerning your hairstyle? Lopped it all off, lmao. It's been like, two years now though. Who was the last person to walk out of your life, and why? It feels like my friend Alex. She's kinda just... left me hanging for months. I think she's active online, but not with me, despite reaching out. She's also deleted her b.net account or just removed me from her friends list, idk. Absolutely nothing seems like it would've prompted that, though. Are you less likely to approach people that look/dress a certain way? I was going to say no, but the last person's answer inspired mine to yes; like, I'm not going to go talk to people with some crazy or offensive shit on their shirts, nor am I going to just go walk up to someone covered in blood. Name one embarrassing activity that you take part in? I don't know. Like I say enough I'm VERY self-conscious of revealing I RP, but only because I'm sensitive to how the person will respond. I'm in no way like, ashamed I do it. I'm just terrified of judgment over something "unusual." Ever been told that you can’t understand love due to your age? Not that I remember. I only claimed to "get it" (to my recollection) at a point in mine and Jason's relationship, and I very legitimately would've guffawed at and honestly nearly slapped you if you claimed I "didn't understand" love. What is your favorite Starburst candy flavor? THE PINK ONES. Do you think that you act like yourself while online? I act more like myself online. Have you ever lied about something to get someone to like you? No. Who is the fakest person in your life right now? I don't keep those people in my life. Have you ever laid down in the grass, and made shapes out of the clouds? As a kiddo. When someone’s constantly negative, how do you deal with it? It depends on the person, but ALMOST in all cases, I really really try to support the person as best I can. It may start to bring me a bit down, but I feel I'm just like... hardwired to help those I love. I think it's what my relationship with Jason did, as he left because he couldn't handle my depression anymore, and with how that absolutely and utterly annihilated me, I don't want anyone else to feel that pain. Now, for people I don't have much of a bond with, it's easier for me to say "I'm sorry, but I can't handle this right now," but even then, I prefer to help. Does Christmas make you feel like a kid again? No. I'm really most excited for aunt reasons, lol. Do you have any artistic talent? Some. Would you ever shoplift from a store if you knew you wouldn’t be caught? Absolutely not. When one of your pets dies, how do you react? Usually cry. I've only ever not done so if I hadn't at all formed a bond with the animal. When you go to the movies, where in the theater do you sit? Close to the front, in the middle. When was the last time you lost your appetite? I don’t know. Have you ever neglected to take care of yourself? Er. Quite badly during '16, in the depth of my depression. I'll just say my teeth are kinda yellow because of it. I want to whiten my teeth at some point if I can afford that kind of luxury. The last song/poem/story you wrote - what was it about? In RP, the most recent section being written now is my main protagonists receiving a visit from their allies before getting their asses torn up the next day lmao. After a fight, who apologizes first - you, or the other person? Usually me, but it does depend. If I genuinely feel I didn't do jackshit wrong, no, I'm not apologizing. When you’re feeling creative, what do you do? Write. Do you mind being in your house alone overnight? Not really by now. Done so a number of times. Are there any dreams you remember from childhood? Nightmares, yes, and one very realistic dream. What worries you most about death? Not knowing what happens afterwards. Do you watch really old tv shows or movies from the 1970s or earlier? I love The Munsters, I Love Lucy, The Beverly Hillbillies, and The Addams Family. I'm sure there's more, considering I liked to watch stuff with my mom as a kid. Who’s your celebrity crush(es)? HHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG Ever been to a rave? No. Are you afraid to name the person you talk the most shit about? I don't really do that. Like I'll vent about people occasionally, but "talk shit" seems like the wrong word. I don't like gossiping. Are you a jealous person? Envious, rather, sometimes. I get VERY envious when it comes to photography, but otherwise, I don't feel it much. Who do you text the most out of your friends? Sara is like the only friend I text, lol. What would you do if you saw a complete stranger dealing drugs in public?
 Honestly, call an authority. I don't fuck with that. I'm not watching it happen. How often do you play video games? What are some of your favourites?
 I played World of Warcraft daily until my laptop took a shit. Need to get that fixed. Now I play actual video games very rarely... but mostly just because you can only replay the same ole game so many times before you've had enough of it for like a year. There are a great number of new games I want to play, though. I want a PS4 soooo badly. What are a few things that get on your nerves when it comes to Facebook (or your social networking site of choice)?
 More than anything, posting something that's crying for attention only for the person to be like "ugh I don't wanna talk about it." Then don't fucking post it. What are three things you’ve started to like lately? I feel like I haven't found new interests in a long time... Wait! I do feel The Handmaid's Tale and the Wings of Fire book Sara lent me have revived my love of reading! :') I want to go to the book store when I can and get both the new sequel to THT and the next WoF book. What was the last reason for having butterflies in your stomach?
 *shrug* Do you need a lot of space in relationships, or are you happy to spend a lot of time with your SO?
 I need SOME alone time, but for the most part I love being together. Once we're really close, anyway. What was the last thing you cooked from scratch? Scrambled eggs. Have you ever won anything from those games in arcades?
 Yeah. Funny story, there was this one time my sister won a stuffed duck from a claw machine, and it was the one I wanted after trying many times, and I cried so hard that one of the employees literally got one out for me lmfao. I probably still have it in the attic. When was the last time you went out to a fair?
 Not since right before the breakup. How far is the nearest zoo or wildlife park from your house? Do you go often?
 Like, two hours. We almost never go because of the distance. Are either one of your parents retired? If not, what do they do for a living?
 No. My dad's been a mailman all my life, and Mom is currently on disability because she has cancer and obviously can't work because of chemotherapy and all that. She was a pharmacy tech, though. If you could change one physical trait about yourself, what would it be?
 Can all this weight like vanish please. Have you ever gone out with someone you didn’t like?
 ????? Why would I do that???? Well, I didn't yet like-like Tyler because we hadn't been reunited as friends long enough; dating was kinda like... a dumb way to re-get to know each other? Thank fuck that was only two weeks. Would you ever take a bullet for your significant other? I'm single. Would you ever work at a fast food restaurant?
 No. History shows I can't work with people. Are you good at haunted houses, or do you scream your head off?
 AHHHHHHHHHHH I LOVE!!!!!!!!!!! If you’ve seen it, what did you think of the Twilight movie?
 I never watched them. Have you ever gotten your tongue stuck on a frozen pole?
 No. Are you a cat or a dog person?
 Cat. Does the movie Titanic make you cry?
 Ha ha, yes. I watched it on movie day while at the psych hospital and all of us were lil bitches almost sobbing, lol. Because it's a long movie, it went past our allotted time, but the nurses decided to let us finish it because we were so into it. I do have some good memories from those times... Do you think that fat people should wear skinny jeans? I think people can wear whatever the fuck they want without fear of judgment. Do you prefer game systems like Xbox, or older ones like Super Nintendo? The former. Do you enjoy indie music? Yep! What is the most strange piercing you’ve ever seen? Those ones people were getting on their fingers instead of rings... just huh. What do you do when you’re waiting in line at the grocery store? Look around, I guess. Think. What is your favourite beach to go to? I haven't been to enough to know. Have you ever been to a country club? No. Have you ever seen an animal die in real life? Too many times. Animals have been euthanized in my arms, and a kitten slowly died in my hands once. One of the most heartbreaking things I have ever experienced. Teddy accidentally punctured its lungs or broke ribs, I think, or something like that. I'm pretty sure he was trying to bring it back to its siblings because it wandered off, but he held it too tightly. I was home alone, too. It was fucking awful. Do you live on a Rd, St, Blvd, Ln, Way, or Ave? Road. Do you have naked pictures of someone saved on your phone? No. Would you ever go see an opera? Bitch I played Parasite Eve, I don't trust that shit. But seriously, no, not my scene. Do you own anything John Deere? No. Do you have a push mower or a mower that you ride on? Neither. A friend mows for us; he has the latter. What is the longest amount of time you’ve been stuck in traffic for? No clue. I think during a trip to New York. Would you consider joining the air force, army, etc? No. Who was your first crush and what made them special? This kid named Dylan. I thought he was super cute and cool. What is one thing nobody knows about you because nobody ever cared to ask? I dunno. Who did you idolize growing up? Steve Irwin. Do you believe that we are all here for a reason? What might the reason be? No. Have you ever carved your name or initials into a tree or stone? No. What were your best and worst subjects in school or college? Best: English. Worst: math. Name something you would like to devote more time to seeing or doing. Writing poetry. Drawing. Do you like to get your nails done? No. Do you remember the last movie you saw while on a date? Yeah, IT. Do you like to wear dresses? Hell no with my current body. Do you like any ‘manly’ activities like hunting, fishing, or camping? I find fishing to be fun and relaxing, but because of morals, I can't stomach doing it anymore. What was the name of your first boyfriend? First with the title, Aaron. First *real* boyfriend, Jason. Your first kiss? Jason. Are you still with either of those people from the last 2 questions? No. Have you ever used your bra to hold things like you would a pocket? Ha ha no. I think. What is your longest relationship to date? Three years, 7-8 months. I don't remember if the breakup was in August or September. Who ended the last relationship you were in? It was kinda like... mutual-ish, but moreso her. Have you ever gotten back with an ex? No. Who was your first prom date? Jason. Do you cry during romantic movies? Sometimes. Who was the last person to see you cry? Mom. Have you ever been used? I don't think so romantically, but in other ways, I know I have been. Have you ever felt violated? Yes. Do you like when a guy takes you by surprise and kisses you? Not everyone likes guys, so what an assumption. But anyway, only if we're very serious and have heavy trust in one another. Do you ever leave the house without makeup? Pretty much always. When was the last time someone gave you flowers? Been a few years. What kind of gift can win you over? BITCH buy me something Mark-related and you earn like 20 points. Has anyone ever sung to you? Yes. Do you like massages? Depends on who you are. In almost any case, no. They're awkward. Have you ever been skinny dipping? No. Do you sleep naked? No. Is smoking a turn-off? Yes. Is there a certain tv show you get upset if you miss? No. When was the last time you spent the night at someone else’s house? When I was at Sara's a year or so back. What is one food you always crave? Ice cream. Are you an exercise freak? Hunny- What scares you more, spiders or snakes? Snakes don't scare me, so spooders. Do you expect to be married in the next two years? No. Would you ever get implants? Nah. Have you ever had a crush on a sibling’s friend? No. Have you ever had a crush on a friend’s sibling? No. Are you more of a 'girly girl’ or a 'tomboy’? A tomboy. Have you ever dated someone with a child? No. Are you addicted to texting? No.

[girls-scenarios]

Loona’s Reaction to Having to Break Up With Their GF Because of Their Company

Prompt: A reaction where LOONA have to breakup with their gf because of their company (I needed something angsty if that is ok with you😅💕)

A/N: Oof the angst. I don’t always write angst but I hope this is okay? (also midterms are killing me so thanks for being patient with uploads) - Admin Kiwi

Haseul: “Please don’t be mad at me, I can’t stop this.” She would be upset at the situation, both mad at the company and mad at herself for getting with you even though she knew she wasn’t supposed to and had seen this happen before. But she would also be mature in the situation, knowing that she couldn’t say no if she cared about her own career and the career of the whole band. As the leader, she’d make up her mind to tell you even after crying quietly when no one was around, softly asking you not to hold it against her and telling you that she was sorry and would change it if she could. After a long talk, she’d give you a tight hug like she didn’t want to let go, but would have made up her mind to leave, and nothing would be able to stop her.

Vivi: “Maybe once everything has settled down, we can date again.” She would be super reluctant to tell you what her company said, putting it off and making excuses until her managers threatened to go to the CEO. After that, she would write down what she wanted to tell you, practicing it over and over as she tried to find the right way to say everything she wanted to. While telling you, she would break down into tears despite trying to stay strong, sinking into your arms and telling you that she would never forget you and, if you would wait, that she’d come back to you when she could. She’d also tell you that she wouldn’t blame you for not waiting, and would hold you hand until the very last minute, brokenhearted and wondering if she’d made the right decision.

Yves: “This is stupid, I don’t want to do this.” Sooyoung isn’t one to take being bossed around well, especially when it came to people telling her to do things she didn’t want to, so when the company told her she had to break up with her, she was not happy. She would fight with them the entire time, bringing up counter-arguments and refusing to break up with you until they threatened to kick her out of the group. Even then, she would tell you everything that had happened, but would promise that she’d continue to talk to you secretly until her company lifted the dating ban, not caring what the consequences might be, because she didn’t want to lose you like this.

JinSoul: “Is there nothing else I can do?” She would be shocked when the company told her and would beg them for any other option, crying in front of everyone and telling them that she really loved you and didn’t want to let go of you like this. Still, the company would refuse to budge, and after asking her members what to do, she would ask if she could go over to your house and talk. Once she got there, she would apologize over and over, telling you that she didn’t want to and asking you if the two of you could just run away, even if she knew it wasn’t possible. You would remind her how much she loved being an idol and would tell her to please continue following her dream, and after lots of crying and one final kiss, the two of you would agree to part ways

Kim Lip: “Will I be able to see you again?” Once the company delivered the terrible news and she realized that it was real, that this wasn’t all some terrible joke, she would begin to regret becoming an idol, wishing that the two of you were just two normal girls and that she didn’t have to deal with this. She’d have to tell you with a heavy heart that she could no longer see you again, hurting even worse when you started to cry. The two of you would have a long chat, and you’d let her vent before reality settled in and the two of you really felt what was happening. With a small voice, she’d ask if she could see you again before she left, and would feel better when you said yes, even if both of you knew it might never actually happen.

Chuu: “Wait for me, please.” She would be devastated when her company told you to break up with you, especially since you would mean everything to her. It would hurt so much that she wouldn’t be able to bring herself to say it for a few days, begging her managers for more time until they agreed. Still, she’d have to do it, and would sob the entire time, knowing that she couldn’t give up her spot in Loona, especially since she might not have another chance, but also knowing that having to live without you would be miserable. She would ask you to wait for her, telling you that she’d try to talk to the company after she was no longer a rookie, because she knew that she’d love you even if you ended up moving on, and the thought hurt too much to bear.

Heejin: “I hope you understand....” She would have conflicting feelings after her company told her the news, especially since she loved you so much, doing some deep thinking before she eventually decided that she had no choice but to break up with you. Her dream for years was to be an idol, and as the first girl in Loona, she’d worked so hard for years that she couldn’t just let it all go. It would be a difficult decision to make, and even though she knew the answer, she’d still struggle to tell you, feeling guilty that she was choosing her career over you but also knowing that she’d never get this chance again. As she broke up with you, she’d gently caress your fingers, asking you to forgive her and hoping that you wouldn’t hate her, because she wouldn’t be able to live with that.

Hyunjin: “Don’t worry. If it’s meant to be, it’ll work out.” She would have seen it coming, knowing that her company wouldn’t like her dating, especially not as a rookie idol. There would be backlash from fans too, so as soon as her company ended up finding out, she’d gone to you with the hard truth: that they were probably going to make her break up with you. The two of you would have a long talk, and she would assure you that, if the two of you were meant to be together, it would work out in the future. She would still be upset when the company finally told her for sure, not wanting to break up with you, but knowing it beforehand would make it easier to take, and the two of you would make a promise to come back together when you were both older.

Go Won: “I wish I didn’t have to do this.” She would rethink her decision to become an idol as soon as her company came to her with their demands, wondering if it was all really worth it if she had to lose you, the one person who meant so much to her. She would talk with the other girls first, getting most of her embarrassing crying out with them before going to you to tell you what she had to do. She would still end up crying a lot as she fell into your arms, begging you to understand that she didn’t want to do this and later wishing that the two of you could just fly away as she calmed down. Still, rules would be rules, and after spending her last day with you, she would turn around to look at you one last time before walking away for good.

Choerry: “Let’s try and stay positive about this.” She always does her best to be positive about things, but this would be the hardest thing to stay positive about yet. She would try asking her company nicely, and then begging, but they wouldn’t budge, so she’d rack her brain for ways to tell you and still be positive, staying up late at night wiping away her tears as she texted you updates on the situation. Finally, the two of you would meet up for the last time, determined to have one last date before everything had to end. After the date, late into the night, the two of you would cuddle and whisper promises until she had to leave, your name still in her phone but all evidence of your relationship erased.

Olivia Hye: “I’m sorry....” She would go through a lot of emotions after she was told to break up with you: first, anger at her company and at the rest of the world for being able to be happy when she couldn’t, before just feeling sad and bad that she had to break up with you for her own good. For a moment, she would think about running away with you, before she’d realize that she’d never be able to do that. She’d apologize to you a hundred times, tears in her eyes and lips trembling and the two of you clung to each other for hours, wanting to never leave but knowing that she had to. She’d feel better after you accepted her apology, but would still feel upset as she left you, wondering how she was going to keep performing when she felt so terrible about losing you.

Yeojin: “This is dumb.” She would be very vocal about her opinion after the company talked to her about dating you, throwing a fit and letting everyone know how stupid she thought this whole situation was. Still, she’d be too young to go against the company and would know that their final say was law, and would go to you with defeat in her eyes, telling you that she’d tried her best to convince them but they wouldn’t listen. You would know she didn’t want to break up with you and would tell her you understood, even if the whole thing was hard to take and it made both of you cry. She would tell you that she’d call you again once she was an adult, and the two of you would promise to talk again before separating despite not knowing what the future might bring.

[team-free-will-oneshots]

Sticks and Stones

Title: Sticks and Stones

Request/Prompt: 1. The bar thingy to insert my name into your fics is super cool! 2.Would you write something where the reader is feeling some self-doubt because of how their mother emotionally abused them as a child, and Sam encourages them and makes them feel like their reaction to the abuse is valid? I would so grateful if you would, but only if you're comfortable with it. It's a heavy topic, so I 100% understand if you don't want to. Again, please don't feel obligated to complete it! Thank you! -- @meticulouswreck

Pairing: Sam x Reader

Warnings: ANGST ! Negative self talk !!! Mentions of abuse !!

Word Count: 1,980-ish

note; first off, sorry this came later than expected! secondly, i’m glad u like the bar thing ! i hope this is what you were looking for. i know this is a sensitive topic so i tried to approach it as carefully as i could, but if i made mistakes or you need me to change anything please message me so i can! x

also, unrelated but i was listening to “Let Me In” by Gabrielle Aplin while i wrote this and i highly recommend the song its A+, 11/10

__________

It was always worse at night.

The echoes of her words, your mother’s words, would creep slyly from the recesses of your mind, warping your thoughts, twisting your inner voice to mirror her own. Old conversations stained your rare happy moments, harsh accusations snapped at your every action. Somewhere along the line, the painful memories had distorted your own thoughts, and you’d adopted her harsh criticism - perhaps that was the worst tragedy of all. She couldn’t torment you anymore, but she’d taught you to torment yourself.

Sam slept beside you, eyelids fluttering with his dreams, his jaw slack, no longer tightened with the stress the daytime always bring. You envied him - the night was his solace, but it was your hell. Even Sam’s arms wrapped loosely around your waist, his gentle breath fanning over your neck, could not erase the doubt that crippled you.

He doesn’t love you. Why would he? You’re not good enough for someone like him. He’s a hero, and you’re… no-one.

You clenched your jaw to restrain your sob, channelling it into heavy breathing as your blurry eyes focussed on the roof. You tried to distract yourself, seeking out cracks in the ceiling, stains on the walls, but your eyes couldn’t erase the words reverberating through your skull. You couldn’t even tell whether they were in her voice or yours.

Sam shifted in his sleep, and you felt your heart stop as you paused with bated breath, watching him cautiously… his lips parted in a quiet snore, and you relaxed. The last thing you needed was to wake him up. He deserved the little rest he got, you weren’t going to be the one to deprive him of that. You were burden enough, in your mind.

Daytime was never this hard - surrounded by Sam, Dean and Cas, enveloped in chatter and laughter and teasing, it was easier to drown out your thoughts. But at nighttime, your thoughts were your only company. The weight of them crushed you, pulling shaky breaths from your lips and tears from your eyes. You needed a distraction.

You rested your hand on Sam’s arm, slung over your stomach and holding you close - a reassurance that you were there, with him, that you hadn’t met the same fate as all too many of his exes. But as he slept, it was easy to crawl out from beneath the youngest Winchester, leaving him snoring peacefully and tangled in sheets.

Releasing a shaky sigh, you grabbed your coat and left the room. You weren’t quite sure where you were headed, you just knew you needed to get out. The more you paced around the bunker, the more stuffy it grew. Her words… your words, crowded your mind and threatened to choke you, to snuff out the little hope you had left. And so, when you saw the Impala’s keys lying on the library desk, your fingers closed around the cold metal without a second thought.

The cold air slammed into you as you left the cosy confines of the bunker. Your cheeks and ears burned raw with the chill, and you dug your hands into your pockets as you walked towards the car, parked along the curb. The tears on your cheeks were beginning to freeze when you managed to unlock the door with clumsy fingers, and you were quick to thrust the keys into the ignition.

The Impala stuttered and shuddered with the cold, but eventually roared to life, the noise settling into a steady purr as you turned on the heater and rubbed your hands together before the small vents. As the blood began to return to your fingertips, you rested them on the cool wheel and prepared to pull away from the curb, only to halt as something tapped lightly on the passenger window.

Your heart was sent racing at the sound, the haste throbbing drowning out your thoughts as your breath caught. Leaning over, you rolled down the window and breathed an initial sigh of relief as you saw it was just Sam, bleary eyed and still in his pyjamas. Even his feet were bare, and you quickly ushered him in so he wouldn’t catch a cold.

“What are you doing?” you asked in a quiet voice, though there was no one around to hear you. Sam’s brow creased in concern.

“I woke up, and you were gone. I couldn’t find you inside, and I got worried, so...”

A small smile twisted your lips. “So you came to rescue me? Pyjamas and all?” you teased, and he huffed a laugh, leaning back against the seat.

“Yeah, well, maybe that part wasn’t quite thought out,” he admitted, and his humorous tone softened as he saw the tear stains on your cheeks and the red rims of your eyes. “Are you okay? What are you doing out here?”

You sighed, shaking your head slightly and leaning against the steering wheel. Sam paused as he sensed your unwillingness to talk. “I know what it feels like, wanting to escape,” he said eventually. “It feels like I spent my whole life running. From hunting, from my dad, and now from whatever big bad each year seems to bring. I used to sneak out and go for drives at night. Pick a direction and just go until I saw the sun. Dean would give me shit for it the next day, but it was nice to leave everything behind. Just for a night.” He glanced over at you pointedly, and you gave him a slight nod.

“Yeah. I get that. I get that alot,” you admitted. And although you hadn’t thought you’d ever allow yourself to share your feelings, you felt you’d explode if you didn’t. Sam had that effect on you - being around him left you feeling so utterly safe that you didn’t feel quite as much like a burden, not during the moment at least. Those feelings came later.

“Okay, I...I’ll talk. But I’m not good with… sharing stuff, so… I’m gonna drive so I have something else to focus on, okay?” You spared him a glance from the corner of your eye, catching sight of his gentle, satisfied smile and his accepting nod.

“Okay,” Sam replied. You released a shaky breath as you put the car into drive and pulled onto the road, headlights illuminating the long, narrow stretch ahead of you. Your knuckles were white on the steering wheel, fingers circling it so tightly that your nails bit into the palms of your hands, leaving small, reddened crescent marks. Your mouth was drier than cotton and you opened your mouth to begin, only to find yourself closing it again.

“Sorry,” you said eventually. “I… I’m not used to- to people actually wanting to listen to me,” you admitted. Your voice was small, barely rising above a whisper, but Sam heard it anyway.

“Why don’t you start with… why you got out of bed at three am?” he suggested lightly. You swallowed and licked your lips before beginning.

“I guess… I guess it mostly comes down to self doubt?” Your voice tilted into a question, and Sam nodded slowly.

“What do you mean by that?” he asked. You released another shaky sigh.

“I… I guess I just don’t ever feel good enough,” you mumbled. “Not a good enough hunter, not good enough for you, not a good enough… person. Just… a burden,” you surmised. Something about saying the words out loud, hearing your broken voice piercing the silence of the car, made your feelings seem all too real. You swallowed thickly.

“Y/N…” Sam whispered, his tone heavy with empathy. “Why would you think that? How could you ever possibly think that?”

You forced a short, sharp laugh that was too loud in the quiet night. “Honestly? My mother,” you got out. “She… that’s what she always told me,” you continued eventually. “I was just a burden on her, good for nothing, never… never enough. And she had no qualms telling me.” You chuckled dryly. “I feel bad even talking about this with you now… she never wanted to know how I felt, not really. Sometimes it felt like she didn’t want to know me at all.”

The gravity of your hurt seemed to crush you as the words left your lips, and you couldn’t bite back your sobs anymore. You pulled over, and as soon as the car was off, Sam was shifting closer to you. His thumb rubbed soothing circles on your knee and his large hand found yours, encasing it entirely.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” he soothed, and slowly, your tears began to subside. When your breathing evened, Sam spoke again. “I don’t want you to ever feel bad sharing how you feel with me,” he told you. “Or if you don’t want to talk to me, you can talk to Dean. Or Cas. Hell, call Jody! But I love you, okay? We all do. You’re the furthest thing from a burden.”

His words made tears spring to your eyes yet again. “I just- I just feel so stupid even feeling like this still! It was- it was so long ago, I was only a kid. I have you guys now, my new family, and I know you love me, I do, I promise. I just… I can’t shake this constant feeling of self doubt. It’s like I can never escape her,” you whispered, and Sam shook his head slightly, pulling you into his arms.

It was hard to hug him in the small confines of the car, especially with his height, but he curled his frame over you protectively as he held you close to his chest. You could smell traces of soap on his skin, the light stubble on his jaw rubbing on your cheeks, his hair tickling your skin. His warmth enveloped you, and you could feel his heart beating steadily beneath his shirt. You’d never felt so safe.

“Don’t feel stupid,” he murmured, his lips brushing your temple. “These kinds of things… they leave scars. And it hurts, but it’s okay, as long as you keep moving forward. I can’t promise that it will ever stop hurting, but it’s okay to feel it. Your feelings are valid, okay? So long as you remember you have us now, and we’re not going anywhere. I’m not going anywhere.” Sam’s voice fell to a whisper, and you pulled away, sniffling and nodding.

“Thanks, Sam,” you whispered, and he gave you a sad smile, his large hand cradling your cheek as he gently wiped a tear from your cheek. You could feel the calluses on his skin, a result of years of hunting. And though you knew these hands had ended many a monster, and held so much strength, he touched you with such tenderness, such… reverence... And you knew his words rang true. This man would be there for you, always. Through hell and highwater, he would never leave your side unless you ordered him away.

“Well… we should probably get the car back home before Dean finds out we stole it,” Sam said teasingly, and you found yourself giggling and nodding despite yourself.

“Yeah, he’ll kill us,” you agreed. Sam’s fingertips lingered on your cheek a moment longer, running gently along your cheekbone, tracing your lips… and slowly, his mouth brushed over yours. The kiss wasn’t as intense and passionate as ones you had shared before - no, this was soft and sweet and slow. It rang of a promise, and warmed the blood in your veins as goosebumps rose on your skin. He left you breathless when you pulled away, but instead of sending your head spinning, it finally allowed your thoughts to settle.

“You okay?” Sam checked when you didn’t speak. A slow, shy smile spread across your face.

“Yeah. I’m okay.”

And for the first time in a long while, you meant it.

[kingofthewilderwest]

I have a super hard exam Monday morning and I really think I can't make it. I have been studying, but I can't understand a think! I thought It was the way I was studying but it's too late to look for alternatives. I have been reading my notes crying all day (I'm doing it right now and sobbing) but still no light.

I’m really sorry about the stress you’re going through. Exams can be extremely tough and I feel for you on that one. I’ve cried over tests and schooling and all that as well. It sucks to feel this stress. Academia many times pushes us to the brink beyond what we should be given, and I hope that you come out of this on the other side feeling relief.

When I was in school, one of the ways I calmed myself was to think about long-term. In less than 48 hours, this stressor will be completely gone from your life. It’ll no longer exist because you’ve taken the test. It’s a stressor, but it’s one for a VERY short time frame in your life. In the long scale of things, it’s very soon going to be out of your life and over with. And while tests can change our grades and that’s important, in the very long scale of school and academia… it’s not a big impact on our life. We can retake a class if we need to, or do better on the next test, or any and all sorts of options that will all result in a happy, fulfilling, awesome life of many years to come. This test is a very, very small part of the grand scheme of your life, and it’ll be completely over with and out of your life very, very soon. Whether you get a good grade or a bad grade here, your life will move forward, and provide you many great experiences to come. My happiness for the decades I will live is not reliant on one number on a sheet of paper.

I don’t know if that helps you, but it always helped me: once I remembered how small this thing was in the grand scheme of things, and how soon it’d leave my life as a stressor… it helped me realize… it shouldn’t be a stressor even now.

I hope I don’t sound like I’m brushing aside what you feel, because I mean the opposite. I know there’s many situations going into why academia feels SO IMPORTANT in our lives, both for our personal situation, and in the way society trends go. I do hope it helps to say that, in the grand course of whether or not your life will be complete on one test grade, it’s a minuscule thing, and I hope that that perspective can give some ease.

You’ve done your best. You’ve been studying. You’ve been working extremely hard and I want to commend you for that diligence. You’ve rocked that. And that’s something important. You have already shown a lot of character and drive working on this, and that’s better than any number you get. You’re already a hero and a succeeder in my eyes.

And, it’s not a shortcoming on your end that you don’t understand things. We all need time to understand anything; all information we first hear is something we don’t understand at first. That’s okay. That’s the nature of it. Every single human on this planet doesn’t understand things and may take a while to understand something; you are not ever going to be a failure for being confused, even if it feels understandably frustrating to not understand.

It’s always fine to talk to instructors about your struggles. I don’t know if you have or haven’t yet, but honest conversations with instructors can work wonders. I’ve taught college courses and have definitely played the mercy game with my own final grades once a student has come to me. I’ve been on the side of mercy with professors, where they’ve been willing to extend deadlines or work with me one-on-one to succeed. Many, many teachers want you to succeed, and will extend extra help and understanding to you if you talk to them. I know how much mercy can be given once they understand how much you want to succeed, and show you are willing to talk to them about ways in which you can. And I hope your instructor is one such person who will listen. It’s always worth talking over, and it can ease buttloads of stress.

Also… though you are on a time budget… if you’re really feeling this stressed, please give yourself a break. Please give yourself sleep. Please give yourself something nice, even if it’s eating a special treat for dinner or watching half hour of your favorite comedy show. Your mind in this state won’t learn the material most productively. Stepping back away from studying will actually help you and make a more efficient and productive study schedule.

I know it’s late in the game and you think there aren’t other ways to study, but if you want, I’m happy to list off some of the ways I’ve studied before. I hope I’m not overextending my bounds. I know you came here to vent and you might not want advice, but if you want some studying suggestions, here’s things I’ve done. We all learn different ways, and you’ll notice I tend to be text-oriented (with some hearing-oriented)… but maybe something here will click. Some of these studying strategies are time-consuming (not helpful for you right now), some of them are fast, but they’re different ways to work at the same material:

Do NOT just skim read notes or engage in “passive” reviewing. If you’re just looking over the books or old homeworks without engaging, it’s less likely for it to stick. Rereading is one of the least interactive ways and least demanding ways to try to “study,” and thus is often not effective for long-term retention and mastery of concepts. Make your study sessions as engaging as possible without destroying your brain cells and giving you a migraine.

Build up. Start simple, with easier learning devices, and then make it more challenging for yourself. For instance, for foreign language, I might start with flashcards or matching tasks. Then, I’ll eventually get to the point where I will try to write my entire vocabulary list from memory. Build up from easy to harder.

Multiple study sessions throughout a day or throughout the course of a week (when you have it) will almost always be better than one massive study session. Repeatedly engage with the material.

Repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat frankly is always the way to go.

PRIORITIZE. Focus on problem sections. Focus on sections that are most likely to be on the test in large quantities. Prioritize what you work on. You don’t need to know every tiny detail to get a passing grade; you just need to know what big stuff is most likely to be hit.

Tackle one section at a time. Don’t think about the full breadth of the unit. Master one concept at a time. Smaller chunks are always more manageable, more efficient, and more effectively learned. If you don’t understand the full breadth of your test, start with the smallest thing you can, work on that, and get that one thing right first. Just that one thing. 

Try to engage in the different styles of learning. Reading. Speaking. Acting out. All these will help you retain the information in different ways. For some subjects, this may be easier than others. But do what you can.

Flash cards. When you go through the flash cards, don’t go through each card once. Put aside the ones you get wrong. Rework the ones you get wrong a second time… or a third time… until you get them right. Then put them into the big pile again of every flash card and restart. ENGAGE with these things rather than quickly skim over the fronts and backs.

Draw diagrams. Venn diagrams. Tables. Charts. STUFF. Organize your information in new ways.

Make tests for yourself. Create tests that are multiple choice, fill in the blank, short essays, anything. Then, after you make those tests, give yourself a break, go back, and take your tests. See what you do and don’t remember.

Make memory devices! Memory devices for the win! Make them silly and absurd! Make it fun! Make memory devices from puns. Set key phrases to musical melodies. Make silly analogies. Do whatever you need to to memorize the material, even if in a dorky way. Like, I first learned the kanji 白 was ‘shiro’ because it looks like the character Shiro from Voltron. It’s got a square face with a scar in the center, and even a little tick at the top to represent Shiro’s WHITE hair floof (and ‘shiro’ means ‘white’ woot victory!). Other times, I’ve memorized numbers by setting them to tunes.

Rewrite your notes or key pages from your textbook. Type up your notes from class, or rewrite them, or take notes from your book again. Note that you can rearrange your notes as you do this; maybe you could make a page that’s all about X topic?

Study with friends! Quiz each other, talk to each other about problematic points, try to figure out difficult sections together. And don’t skimp, but don’t be afraid to make it fun. Learning goes better when it’s fun.

Write a “study guide” or “cheat sheet” for yourself of all the most pertinent material.

Talk out loud as you reread your notes. Engage with the material both with eyes and ears.

Try to quote your notes. Talk to yourself about what you remember. Then look and see what you didn’t talk about.

Try explaining to someone else what you’ve learned. This is a really good one. This will help you really pinpoint what you do and don’t know, and will mentally solidify the things that you do, in fact, understand. Nothing says “learning” like having to tell someone else what you’ve learned.

Especially if it’s mathematical, but also for other subjects, rework problems from your textbook or homeworks, get new problems from textbooks, or go online to find other problems with solutions. 

Find tutors. Or talk to teachers. Seriously, talk to teachers!

Any academic videos on YouTube explaining concepts? What about Wikipedia? Other websites on these topics to help you see the information presented in a new way? My ass got saved in Mathematical Logic due to a good logic wiki.

Give yourself breaks. Everyone needs different break points and has different levels of concentration ability, but one not-terrible-rule to consider is 50 minutes studying, 10 minute break. I personally prefer longer sessions and will do something like 2 hours, then 30 minute break. But that’s for you to decide with yourself.

SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. You do no favors for yourself if you don’t sleep. Sleep as best as you can. Fatigue prevents us from using our full mind, will prevent the recall we could have had if we were more awake. Fatigue prevents us from learning and retaining information we would have learned faster in a more rested state. Sleep allows us to process the information we’ve just thought about; we’ll wake up with a more solid understanding of materials because there’s been some unconscious processing. I know you want to maximize those study hours, but you’ll be wasting those 75% of the time if you’re up to 3 AM trying to work on something and can barely keep your eyes open. 

Make it about you. What is it about this material that you can care about? Find ways to relate it to what you care about, whatever the subject.

I know that’s not a very widespread list - I could write a lot more - but unfortunately I have to get going to my own time crunch for work. And I know I’m not covering every angle in which this is a stressful situation and how we may engage with it, and how people with different learning styles and minds and social situations interact with materials… but I hope that something in here helps you nevertheless.

Please give yourself a break right now.

To say the least, I’m wishing the absolute best for you. I’m rooting for you. I’m sympathizing. My heart feels for you. And I hope that you can find a bit of stress-relief in the midst of this. Take care, friend, and please take care of yourself through all this.