#sorry for the rant I just had to psych myself up a lot for this appt and the doctor wasnt very helpful. bulk billed me though at least

[dearminty]

doctor straight up laughed when i asked if there were any bulk billing psychiatrists I could get referred to then said 'they all charge around $500'. fucking hate mental healthcare in this country its so goddamn expensive to be mentally unwell, guess im not getting back on my adhd meds anytime soon

[electric-lavender]

i must admit that turnabout intruder is one of my problematic faves too.

if you feel like elaborating, i’d love to hear your takes!!

I would absolutely love to elaborate! To preface this I’m exceptionally bad at writing out my thoughts so apologies if this is a little all over the place. Also this got way longer than I expected and I still don’t feel like I covered all my thoughts so sorry for the super long reply.

The tl;dr is that I think the episode is trying to show us, in Star Trek’s exaggerated way, that experiencing misogyny and internalizing is bad and that is the fault of the how society treats women and not, you know, women.

I’ve only seen the episode once so I think I definitely need to watch it again to fully sort out my thoughts. For some context I recently did a full tos watch, I mostly watch tng as a kid and a few random tos eps, and as I was making my way through I thought a lot about how the like for what makes something socially progressive shifts over time. There are a lot of episodes and themes that we have to look at through the culture context of the late sixties.

That being said I think one of the places tos, and basically every other show, really falls short is how it understands and represents gender. For me this is most clear in how every alien has the same understanding of sex and gender as humans but that is for a separate rant. This is about gender by way of misogyny. So without further ado here is my defense of turnabout intruder.

Before I watched turnabout intruder my understanding of it was that it was bad in the not well written way and bad in the misogynistic way. I think it’s important to know that I do not think this episode is free of misogyny, few tos episodes are, but I think if we all up on our critical thinking caps we can see that there is *gestures vaguely* something worth talking about.

When I finally watched it I was expecting it to be much more misogynistic than it was so I really psyched myself up, but I genuinely don’t think it makes it on my top three most misogynistic tos episodes. The only part that really made me cringe was when Scotty is talking to Bones about how he’s never seen Kirk so hysterical. I think that the use of the word hysterical is totally unnecessary to what Scotty is saying and only serves to make that line overtly misogynistic.

I think the thing that makes me not label Janice’s who character as just a poorly hysterical woman who’s purpose in the narrative is to remind us that women aren’t fit to lead because of emotions or whatever is that, at least to me, she seems more complex than that. The thing that leads me to believe that the writers had some idea what they were doing is how Janice clearly has the most intense case of internalized misogyny I may have ever seen.

The episode doesn’t want us to come away from it believing women aren’t fit to lead because they’re emotional. It want us to understand that misogyny is so poisonous that a lifetime of experiencing it can drive you to hate yourself so much that, in the case of Janice you would do nothing short of murder to escape it.

I was going to add a bit at the end about Kirk as a victim of abuse but I can’t organize my thoughts about that very well right now. Other people have written much more eloquent post about this, but I’ll say that the thing that stuck with me is that his masculinity is never brought into question. No one on the ship thinks less of him because a woman hurt him and I think, although it’s not the focus of the episode, it’s something that’s important to mention.

I have somehow managed to leave out all of my transgender thoughts from this so perhaps if I have the energy for that at some point I will make a part two with that.



[snzluv3r]

i know there’s a lot of chronically ill/medically complex people on here so i was wondering, have any of you ever struggled with medical burnout (for lack of better words)?

(also gonna rant real quick under here sorry for the negativity)

i’ve been really struggling lately because it feels like half of my time is spent making phone calls and scheduling appointments and going to get tests and scans and spending months of my life just in limbo on waiting lists. i’m so sick of feeling like my health is a job and constantly being at the hospital for appointments like it’s gotten so bad that i can barely bring myself to take my meds anymore. it’s just so exhausting sometimes and i wish there was a way i could take a break from all of this without potentially making my health worse.

even today i woke up really sick and had to miss out on something i was really looking forward to yet i still feel this responsibility to make all of the medical calls i was planning to make anyway because i’ve been putting everything off for so long. it’s not like making those calls is that much work but it gets so frustrating being bounced around or not getting a straight answer because insurance or referrals or whatever other stupid healthcare system process that makes this all so much more complicated.

i also am still on the waiting list for my new PCP and have no idea when i’ll be able to actually meet her, yet my psychiatrist decided (without consulting me or my therapist) that because my meds haven’t changed recently (they absolutely have), i can just get all of my psych meds (including adderall) through my PCP….which i don’t technically have. i’m so frustrated because my nightmares have been so bad for years and they’re only getting worse and every med i’ve tried for PTSD nightmares is either bad for my physical health or doesn’t work at all and that’s really not something that i necessarily trust a pcp with??? it’s just not necessarily in their scope and i’ve had too many prescribers fuck up my brain and body by recklessly putting me on different psych meds without proper knowledge or research.

i’m just so frustrated and i’m so miserable right now i wish i didn’t have to do this for the rest of my life. and the fact that EDS literally just gets worse with age like? i don’t think i CAN do this for the rest of my life it’s just an endless cycle

sorry for complaining and ranting so much nobody is even gonna read this and that’s okay i just needed to get it off my chest

[mihai-florescu]

Regarding the five star four star and 2 three stars for each unit thing they tend to do my biggest wish is for himeru/kohaku and tatsumi/mayoi centre. Idk how to explain it but hiiro and rinne were the focus of the main story and aira and niki felt like they got a bit of character from that too (more than their other 2 members at least) so this just kinda feels. Right? I've seen people theorise that they'll address kaname or that he'll wake up and I don't doubt that logic, I just hope if so kohaku and mayoi can be of some significance. I think kohaku and mayoi are decent to bring attention to because despite himeru trying to be distant at first I think he definitely is most fond of kohaku, and don't ask me about tatsumi and mayoi you're talking to a ttmy shipper I'll be here all day. Basically I just think if himeru and tatsumi were to go through the horrors their unit mates would be there for them but those two in particular somewhat understand them a bit better. Before anyone tells me these 4 were in the romantic date scout I know. I've simply decided to remove it from my memory because I could never hate a story more than that one.

I've just ranted about alkakurei to you now. It's good to be back I guess

Im hoping for niki to have a really big moment in the tour personally, as well as aira, in a different light than what we've seen so far. I just...wish i cared more for them than i really do. And I wish i could make myself care, but alas, i can live with it just fine actually. The card distribution, well, im trying to keep track of when they've had cards last already/who's still due. Tatsumi still needs a ts2 so im counting him out of the possible tour 5stars (could be a 4star), but everyone else i think is eligible from that perspective. Oh......ohhhh.....it just came to mind, but you know how they did the altered and graduation tours? Tatsumi's ts2 could totally be running during the alkakurei tour, and be related to the story in that manner. Im willing to bet on this actually, nevermind, he's definitely getting a tour 5star in the gacha. And kohaku getting his fs2 then as well would be so cruel...higgles. rip alkakureiPs. Himemayo tour 5stars sounds plausible. But so does amagi bros to parallel their main story 5stars, or any other combination... idkidk im going to stop speculating until we have more information. Um. Checkmate anime is coming out first and i will be focusing my attention and obsession there, sorry. My knightspilled checkmateholic eichip swag.

Im not sure if you meant you actually hate romantic date /srs or if it was said in a "omg i hate x thing its gonna be the only thing i think about for days" way. I feel like you meant it /srs but im personally a fan of the story poking fun at fandom behavior, giving into and critiquing at the same time, as well as the insights into himeru's psyche. The game with affinity points from the other characters is just in himeru's head and a manifestation of his subconscious, where he thinks no one's love for him can grow as he doesnt let them actually know Him, the person beyond the himeru persona. Only tatsumi who loves everyone could still love him. And thats also pissing him off.

They both approach and view things, relationships, motivation etc so differently, a lot of himeru's internal monologues are filled with "negative" feelings (jealousy, pride, paranoia etc. Even the earliest we know of him is that he ran away from home because his dad remarried and he couldnt accept it, he's been like this forever. And yet, these feelings arent fitting with the perfect ido persona, so he bottles them up, with the occasional slip ups. Himeru's presence and slow opening up in crazy:b of all units, the group driven by their feelings and desires, is so so important to me.) whereas tatsumi just...has so much love and acceptance (although as much as they're an important part of his character, it's just as important that he also has his own wishes and desires and he does act on them, moreso than himeru at least. Like his hobby of driving recklessly, which he doesnt do because he cant drive well, but because he wants to do it like that and to experience the fun even if it's unconventional or incomprehensible to others). And this gap in their mentalities and approaches to life is scary for himeru. It's a hundred times harder to love and save another than to hate or break someone down (paraphrasing from another enstars quote lmao), i can empathize with himeru having complicated feelings about tatsumi's character that he doesnt understand himself, so he defaults to calling him unpleasant rather than having to unpack it. Let aside that beyond the difference in approaches they also have a complicated past, it's easier to just blame tatsumi who can take it seemingly unscathed. I think romantic date is fun to read both before and after having experienced obbligato...especially moreso after, when youre aware of the foreshadowing and further developments (this has been my experience with most of akira's gacha stories he's written in es2 era)

Im not a tthm shipper in the traditional sense of "i want to see them date" cuz i think what they have going on is much more fascinating and nuanced than that and it'd do the relationship a disservice imo. I was gonna say it's also fun to put these characters who struggle with understanding each other and actual romance and love in general actually in every sense of the word together but thats kind of the entire cast. A lot of my favorite dynamics at least, that have had varying degrees of success and development. However, it is something i enjoy, obviously, so i will always remain fond of romantic date...wah i rambled about this for a very long time, i'll stop now!

[yostresswritinggirl]

(CW: rant, depression, family, thought spiral)

Is it okay to ask for help with mental health, no matter how insignificant it could be? Even if maybe other people have it worse?

I want to get an appointment with a psychologist. I saved enough money for it to pay on my own. But the back of my mind is like 'why can't I just resolve it myself/why can't you just resolve it yourself' on repeat

It's largely because the one time I tried opening up to someone irl about wanting to meet a psychologist and that I have depression all my mother's responses are like "why are you like this", "what was wrong? you had everything", "you should just not feel/think like that", "talk to us (refering to my father and mother), you never say anything", "you should be able to resolve that, nobody and no grown up people have problems like those, they carry on", and etcetera similar along those lines.

For the few days after that she searched the internet and told me about ways to cope from her own understanding and what she found. To be honest I couldn't really stand and register the things she said, but if I try to remember back it was mainly toxic positivity.

Before that I really wanted to get an appointment with a psychologist. But after that I slowly ended up becoming numb and more hesitant about it. Thinking "technically, my problems aren't as bad as other people, nothing bad really happened to me, I should be able to resolve this on my own."

Nothing gets resolved. Hypothetically I can do it, but I couldn't.

I don't know where I'm going with this. Just–

Is it okay to ask for help with mental health, no matter how insignificant it could be? Even if maybe other people have it worse?

I'm worried my problems are like, not bad enough to warrant going to a psychologist when I get there. Not good enough for me to tell it to anybody. I don't know. I'm worried that it's pathetic and disgusting for me to be like this. (It is, isn't it? I had things, then why am I like this?)

(But if I see other people in my shoes my respond would be that it's not, that your feelings are valid and that's it's okay and normal to feel like that! Then why?)

(Just in case if I sound like I'm mad at my mother in the paragraphs before this, I'm not. Technically, she tried her best to understand and help me based on her limited knowledge and her own experience in life. I can't expect her to know all the appropriate and best ways to respond in that kind of situation. And tbh I regret telling her anything... It didn't help any of us, and it certainly only made her feel worse.)

· —

I'm really sorry for weighing you with this and how all over the place this is.

If you feel pressured or rushed to answer, you don't have to. Rather, you don't have to do anything.

Being able to write this out is a lot to me and it already somewhat helps me make clear of how I feel. It's enough. Sooner or later I'll figure something out.

Thank you for the open chance on ask and for being someone I feel enough comfort and safety to talk to, even though it's only in anon. I wish you all the best, luck, opportunity, and love, 💙!

Did you know that even those who don't have mental disorders ask for help from psychology career practitioners? Consultation about their education and course, what job path fits them best, those may seem like small things but they are great concern for some

It feels like my answer is biased since I'm a psych graduate myself but I definitely advocate to getting help, or at least getting checked. All of us have our own issues to deal with and we should best concern about our own troubles, life isn't a competition, you shouldn't compare your life to others. Think of it this way, if you think your problems are small in comparison to others, what if those you think you have more serious problems would also compare themselves and think there's are useless problems too?

Mental health is equally important for everyone, no matter what you think about your problems, everyone also deserves to get help and get treated. Even just confirmation and knowing can help you greatly, you know? When you find out what really troubles you, chances are you'll start to understand yourself even better.

Instead of beating yourself up, knowing the root cause of your problems may help you see yourself in a better light. It's not just being helped that is good for your mental health, but also understanding things about your mental health that also eases your mind.

Be kind to yourself, because you can also be a 'someone else who has it worse' to someone, and it would do no one better if you treat yourself this way.

It is okay to get help for something despite how insignificant it may be - because something like your mental health will never be insignificant to you, right? And if other people have it worse, not helping yourself won't help you or them. If other people have it worse, would you wait for yours to get worse before you get help? What if other people had it worse because they also thought their problems were insignificant, that they neglected their mental health until they reached that point of 'worse'?

I can assure you that I've been in a similar situation, but venting and being honest about how you feel are signs of you moving in the right direction. Not everyone would understand especially if they've never had a similar problem after all, but there will be a time that you will find the right person or the right environment, right atmosphere.

Ultimately, it is up to us to get help. A person can have all the opportunities to get help, but if they refuse to take it, then nothing will happen. If you were offered food and you refuse it, you will remain hungry. I don't want you to learn helplessness when you deserve to be at peace with life.

I'm glad you took your time to share and trust me with your concerns, anon, but I do apologize that it took a while - my whole weekend is taken up by my reviews (from 8-5) so I can't reply then, and I was also busy yesterday with an impromptu matter. I know my words can only mean so much until you come to your own conclusion, but I hope whatever you decide on, you will end up finding a chance to get your own happiness

[mayalaen]

I’ve got 4 family members who have been diagnosed with malignant narcissistic personality disorder, two of them bipolar as well. One of them lives with me and I take care of him because he’s old and one lives with my uncle but I take care of her medical needs because she’s old.

All four of them have traumatized me, and it took years to learn what was happening and learn to how to deal with it and keep myself as safe as possible. I still fuck up. I let something get past my defenses just a couple weeks ago and it was BAD.

I see posts like that all the time about manipulation and it’s like DUDE you have no idea. Not only don’t you know, but you’re so naive that (like Unforth said) you’re making yourself ripe for abuse.

And maybe you’ve already been manipulated so badly that you’ve been unconsciously trained to excuse the behavior.

There’s a difference between saying how you feel and manipulating people, but sometimes it’s super hard to tell, especially when the person saying it is SUPER manipulative and every word out of their mouth is a lie.

One of my family members is just starting to realize he’s bipolar (still won’t admit to the MNPD) and he’s making some mild attempts to change at almost 80 years old after beginning psych meds 2 years ago.

I’m not letting my walls down even if it’s genuine changes because he’s hurt me way too many times.

Other people hear about this and think I’m an asshole, but I don’t give a fuck.

You don’t live with these people and you haven’t been traumatized by them.

YOU have to protect yourself even if the person is genuinely trying to change or feels remorseful or doesn’t actively mean to do the damage.

I don’t understand how the general thought on this has shifted so hard to “but think of THEIR feelings and uwu protect the innocent baby manipulator or excuse them because they said they’re sorry an they have feelings!!” but it’s probably because the manipulators themselves have gotten on social media and spread this shit.

I get that there are people who accidentally hurt others, but someone who chronically and constantly gaslights, manipulates, lies, and flat out abuses everyone around them CAN’T be given unrestricted access to your head and your heart.

Even if they’re working on changing, they’re STILL going to hurt you whether they mean to or not, and to see people whine and cry about the manipulator’s feelings just pisses me off.

After all the damage they’ve done, you’re STILL going to side with them? Still going to feel bad for THEM?

They’re the ones that did the damage. Even if they’re treating you wonderfully from here on out, that damage is done and they can flip right back to being abusive at any moment and think nothing of it.

And don’t forget that one of the aspects of MNPD or NPD or sociopathic behavior is that they don’t have empathy or compassion.

I know this is hard to believe, but you can’t hurt their feelings. You can damage their pride, but they don’t care enough about anyone other than themselves to actually get hurt in the same way you can. They may act hurt, but that’s a manipulation, and they’re VERY good at it.

And yes, they’re mentally ill, but that doesn’t mean you have to let them heap it on you.

I went off a bit on a rant here, and sorry if this derails your post or says stuff you weren’t going for but I’ve been going through quite a lot of therapy in the last few years because of all the abuse and trauma and all the things I didn’t even realize myself until just a few years ago.

I wish I would’ve known all this stuff when I was a kid. I still would’ve been damaged, but I would’ve had the tools to keep myself safer and I wouldn’t have been so fucking confused all the time. I wouldn’t have fallen for most of their shit.

Maybe if you’re excusing behaviors and going after people for putting their foot down, think about yourself. Think about what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. Maybe you’ve been brainwashed, gaslighted, and manipulated into defending them without even realizing it. Please get help.

Saw a post where people in the notes were arguing that behavior is only manipulative if it's intentional and planned, and tried to "prove" it with, like, Baby's First Example Of Manipulation ("if you don't do xyz, I'm gonna do abc.") and it's been ten minutes and it's still giving me hives. They were literally like "do we need to take 'manipulative' away and put it on the shelf" because they don't understand what manipulative behavior is.

Look if you (generic) think manipulative behavior has to be conscious, intentional, and planned, you are absolutely clueless and ripe for being manipulated. People can be i.n.s.a.n.e.l.y. manipulative without realizing they're doing it, and not recognizing that is, frankly, dangerous.

Signed, someone who has been repeatedly abused by people who certainly thought they weren't manipulative BUT ABSOLUTELY WERE.

[compassionatereminders]

hi dokter (i think i spelled it right? sorry;;). im gonna sound like an asshole and i feel horrible about that but, i feel like a lot of people fake DID and multiple personality disorders. I know that i shouldnt fake claim people and such but, ive been on discord servers and theres a random channel dedicated to alters finding out who they are and then they always know how to set themselves up with a bot mechanic and switch between people rapidly. im a jerk for this, but genuinely in my head there is no logical explanation for how they have amnesia but know and understand discord completely. or how people will have fictives that are nothing like the source, just genuinely nothing like the character. its present in a lot of teenagers that struggle with mental illness and escapism, i think its less of a knowingly faking thing and more of a misdiagnosing themselves and truly WISHING there were more people there and they could share a body with dream. I feel like i do a fair amount of research, and looking into DID leaves me confused sometimes with how a lot of people online display their symptoms. why do alters all share an account and sign it? how do they all know the password? how do they all know how to operate it? (referring to tiktok because so much DID content comes from there, all with teenagers and young adults. i have yet to see someone over the age of like, 23 talking about DID. Not saying that just cause youre young you cant be blank, but i feel like its worth noting.) i guess i consider myself a kind person, and i dont care about what people do if it doesnt harm anyone. but this DOES harm people. i think its mostly people self diagnosing because they identify mood swings, different interests, and a yearning to be closer to their favorite fictional character or not be alone. so they truly do believe that this character is possessing them, even when its truly them changing their voice, putting on different clothes, adding an accent, and such. when people fake an illness, they dont fully understand what its like to have it and act in a way that is not accurate. isnt this the kind of thing that leads to stigmatization? to people completely changing their definition of DID since all they have seen is kids faking and acting like their favorite minecraft youtuber? i dont know. i feel bad since i hear from people with DID that they do feel this way, they feel like people now have a warped view of the disorder from people faking it online. Im not speaking for everyones experiences, maybe some dont care maybe some think its a coping mechanism, i have no idea. im sorry i went off on such a rant. i really like kats blog, she's helped a lot in ways. one last asshole note. A part of me is crying out that youre just kat typing while speaking her true and harsher thoughts under a different name, like an alter ego. im sorry, i know she wouldnt do that and im sure thats not what you are. i just had to ask, to clarify i guess (Even though i more just. stated it. sorry;;). i am probably not very nice in your eyes now, i dont mean to be the mental illness gatekeeper or anything but when you can very clearly tell so many are faking something serious its hard to just, go along with it. p.s. since youre a dokter who shares kats mind, how did you get all the education to be a psychiatrist? i feel like kat alone could be one, since she is very well educated and good at that stuff. is that why? or another reason. jsut genuinely curious;;.

None of us are psych professionals and none of us are claiming to have DID. Like sure there is a general issue of misdiagnosis causing the spread of misinformation which is to some degree harmful, but when I am explicitly stating that I don't have DID, how do you then read that as me faking DID? How is my experience inherently fake just because it isn't corresponding with the clinical experience of DID? Why is having the clinical disorder DID the only way my experience could be valid and real? Why is anything besides the clinical diagnosis DID fake in your eyes? Please spell that part out for me

[everything-person]

Then Came You

A/N: This is my contribution to @cshistfic Historical Fic Event. This is my first time diving deep, just submerging myself into research to make sure I got my time period correct and I had a blast. Sometime I had too much fun and thankfully I had @spartanguard to push me off my high horse. Thank you @shireness-says for making this event and running it. Hopefully my entree is worthy enough. This fic is based in the 70’s and is inspired by Disney Pixar’s Cars. This may have up to 3 parts.

Summary: Rookie of the Year race car driver Killian Jones finds himself lost in a forgotten Storybrooke on his way to the finale race of the season. His world and perspective on what he wants gets turned upside down in the small town.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Where the fuck am I?

was Killian Jones, famous race car driver, first thought as he woke up. Well, first thought after he got over the throbbing pain in his skull. He sat up to see he was laying in a cot. Taking in his immediate surroundings, he realized he was behind bars. His head fell into his hands.

How did I get here?

He recalled being at Pocono in the Piston Cup series finale. He was named Rookie of the Year and was set up to be the first one to win. His only real competition was Ernest “the King'' Triton, Atlantica’s golden boy, who was planning on this being his last season, and Edward Teach, the King's tail biter. They weren’t expecting Killian to come out of nowhere and take the season by storm.

He was set to win it all, ahead by half a lap, checkered flag insight when a tire blew. He struggled but was able to keep control of his car. He could feel his competitors gaining on him as he lost speed. Such events caused a three-way tie, set to be settled in a week in Daytona.

He remembered the interviews asking about him driving without a crew chief; he always had an issue taking orders. The King came walking up to him.

“My man, you are one bad racer. You got more talent in that famous smile of yours than half these dudes got in their whole body but you’re stupid. Let me give you the lowdown: this ain’t a one-man show, young blood. You need to wise up, get yourself a good crew chief and a good team. You ain’t gonna win unless you got stellar people behind you doing their jobs so you can keep being the slammin’ driver you are.”

He thanked him for the advice before they were made to get on stage for the press. That's when Edward Teach decided to try to psyche him out.

“Listen space cadet, that was some fab drifting today. By me. He he he. First one at Daytona gets Atlantica all to themselves. Catch my drift?”

Then he went looking for his team, only to find out from Smee, his truck driver, that he had to make a personal appearance over at his sponsor's tent—Arendelle Chocolates, run by sisters Elsa and Anna Arendelle, most famous for the Apollo Bar.

“A taste that’s out of this world!”

He desperately wanted to get away from his sponsor. He didn’t care for sweets and frankly found most disgusting. He entered the tent to find the other reason he didn’t care for his current sponsor: children all running around with their grubby hands. The sight made him squirm, but Smee reminded him they gave him his big break and it was in his contract. With those inspiring words, he put on a smile, made his way to his sponsor sisters, said a few words that had the tent roaring in cheers before he said goodbye.

“Killian, that was stellar! We are so proud to call you our driver!”

“And we are looking forward to another fab year!”

“Don’t drive like my sister!”

“Yeah, don't drive like my sister!”

He and his crew got on the road not long after that. His crew were in the truck along with his car while he drove just behind them. While his crew pulled off to get some rest, he kept going to be the first at Daytona. But he kept nodding off and got lost.

He remembered pulling out his map to try and find out where he was. He tried to keep his car steady while trying to make out what his map said by moonlight, when he heard sirens. Looking up, he saw the lights of a town. Before he could think about pulling over the sirens were accompanied with sounds of loud popping. He assumed it was the officer firing at him. He tried to dodge the bullets but soon lost control of his car. He ran into quite a few things before gaining control again, only to get caught on something. He gunned it to get free, only to have his car spin out once he was. The last thing he remembered was something crashing into his driver side door effectively stopping his spin out and causing his head to slam into his window; then everything went black.

Groaning, he picked up his head taking another look around. He was on a cot, in a holding cell, in a dusty office. He was taking in the desks and filing cabinets, looking for signs of life, when he heard a voice.

“Well hi,” came an excited, high-pitched voice.

His head snapped back to one of the desks to see a boy he missed sitting just behind it.

“I was wondering when you were gonna wake up.”

Killians faced scrunched up, “What's going on? Why am I here?”

The boy laughed, “Like you don’t know. For being a spaz last night.”

“What's your name, lad?”

“Henry. What's your name?”

“You don’t know my name?” Killian asked, taken aback by the question.

“No; why should I know your name?”

“I’m Killian Jones.” He waited for the moptop boy to put the pieces together

“Killian Jones!” Henry shot up out of his seat as he exclaimed the name before falling back down. “Yeah, not ringing a bell.”

Killian furrowed his eyebrows, “Where am I?”

“Where are you? You’re in Storybrooke, the most rockin’ town on the Potomac River.”

Killian sighed, dropping his head, bringing his hand up rubbing at his forehead. “Great. Just great.”

“Well if you like this place, you should see the rest of the town.”

Killian picked up his head, looking at the brown-eyed boy and spied just behind him the keys to his cage. Focusing back on the boy, he smiled and stood up from his spot on the cot.

“You know, that's a brilliant idea. I’d love to see the rest of your town. If you just let me out of here, we could go cruisin’ the town.” Killian finished his thought as he came leaning against the bars.

“Golly! Really?” Henry sat up straighter with a bright smile that slowly turned into a smirk, “You think you can psyche me out. I’m ten, not stupid.”

“Henry!” a new voice shouted out.

In walked a man sporting a perm and mustache wearing a star at his hip.

“What have you been told about being in here with criminals?”

Henry sighed, “Not without supervision. But he was sleeping.”

The man crossed his arms, letting out a huff, “Well now he’s awake. Want to help me escort him to court?”

The next thing Killian knew, he was in chains and being placed in the back of a cop car. After a short ride, he was hauled out and guided into Town Hall where he was met with shouting and very angry townspeople. He was placed in a chair.

“Oi mate,” Killian looked up at the sheriff, “I gotta skitty. How long is this gonna take?”

The sheriff, Robin read his name tag, crossed his arms, “Do you have a lawyer?”

Killian scoffed, “Aye, but he's probably in Hawaii right now.”

“If the defendant doesn’t have representation, the court will assign one to him.” Robin turned to the crowd behind him bringing his fingers to his lips, letting out a shrieking whistle. “Anyone want to be his lawyer?”

The room went silent.

“I’ll do it,” a familiar voice broke the silence.

Killian turned to see the boy from before trotting up to the gate. Robin quirked an eyebrow at him.

“What? It's not hard.”

“Hmm, alright,” Robin agreed, letting the boy take the seat next to Killian.

Killian looked between the two before landing his gaze on the sheriff.

“Are you serious?”

“Well, our normal defense is at the vet after you clipped his dog last night,” Robin informed him before speaking to the room, “All rise! Honorable Judge Nolan presiding.”

Everyone stood as the sound of a door opening and closing was heard. Heavy footsteps rang out in the silence.

“I want to know who is responsible for wrecking my town. I want his ass on a silver platter. I’m gonna put him in jail until he rots. No, until the jail rots on top of him then I’ll put him in another jail and wait until that one rots. I—”

The man's rants came to a halt as he laid his eyes on the accused. “Get him out of here, sheriff. I want him out of my courtroom and out of my town. Case dismissed; charges dropped.”

Killian let out a breathy laugh, “Woah. You were a better lawyer than I thought, youngblood.”

“Sorry I’m late, Your Honor.”

Killian turned to see a stunning blonde woman come strutting in.

“Bloody hell,” Killian whispered under his breath. He thought the sheriff must’ve found his agent's number and gave him a call. This must be who they sent from his attorney’s office.

As she was walking by, Killian spoke up, “Hello, love. Thank you for coming but we are all set. He’s dropped the charges.”

She stopped and turned to him, her eyes darting to the boy next to him. “What?”

“Aye, we got off lucky. Now all we have to do is speed on down to Florida.”

“Please.”

“I get that a lot. I create feelings in people they themselves don't understand.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Right. Well I’m gonna go talk to the judge.”

“Whatever you gotta do, love. Do be careful though. These cats are a bit feral.”

She pursed her lips, nodding before turning her attention to the smiling child next to him, “Hi, Henry.”

“Hello.”

Killian looked at the boy before looking back at the blonde, who had turned to the crowd behind him.

“Morning everyone,” she called out, receiving greetings in response. She turned, eyeing Killian as she did, before she walked up to the judges stand who was intensely looking at his papers.

“David, you're looking well. Your sideburns are—”

“Forget it, Emma. I already dismissed the case,” he said, not looking up at her.

“He endangered most of the town and destroyed half of it. You can’t just let him go.”

“We are better off with him gone.”

Emma huffed, “Alright; you asked for it.”

Emma turned and addressed the room, “I move for an appeal. Robin, if you will help me escort the accused to the Mayor.”

Robin assisted Killian out of the chair. They followed the woman down the hall and up the stairs. Killian would protest but the walk was giving him a great view of the blonde’s ass.

As they came to a door labeled Mayor, Robin leaned over and whispered to Killian, “May the mayor have mercy on your soul.”

Before Killian could question or even look at the man he was being ushered into a black and white room.

“Ms. Swan, why are you barging into my office?” A woman sitting behind the desk in the middle of the office asked, not bothering to look up at the intruders.

“Judge Nolan ruled to dismiss the charges against our drunk driver—”

“I wasn’t drunk,” Killian interrupted.

“And I moved for an appeal. I thought the sooner the better,” Emma continued.

The woman finally looked up to see Emma standing in front of her desk before her eyes darted to Sheriff Robin, and Judge Nolan standing just behind her with Killian standing in between them.

“What are the charges?”

“Reckless driving, reckless endangerment, trespassing, vandalism, and destruction of property.”

“Why did you dismiss the case?” The woman directed the question to Judge Nolan.

He stepped forward standing next to Emma. “Madame Mayor, what happened last night was a terrible occurrence but I believe the longer this man stays, the more trouble will come.”

“Based on what?”

“I know the kind of man he is. I can see it in his eyes. He’s the last thing this town needs.”

“We let this guy walk, it sends a message to every delinquent in town that you can do whatever you want. The town needs to be fixed—they need this,” Emma stated.

“I think the sheriff's station’s reputation will precede this incident. We are fine without him,” Judge Nolan responds.

The mayor turned to Emma. “What do you suggest the sentence should be if I agree to your appeal?”

“Make an example of him. Give him community service, make him fix everything he can that he broke. Whatever he can’t, fine him for; by the looks of his clothes, he can afford it.”

The mayor sat back looking between the man and woman in front of her.

“Sheriff,” she called, “What say you? Should I let this man go to avoid further disturbance, or have him fix the town?”

“Well, I think the town needs renovation more than it needs to avoid trouble. In fact, I think we could benefit from some,” Robin eloquently answered.

The mayor nodded, standing from her seat, “I’m inclined to agree. The accused is sentenced to community service until everything that was damaged from last night's events is fixed and a fine of six hundred dollars for reckless driving and endangerment.”

Killian’s eyebrows nearly shot off his forehead. He went from walking away scot-free to becoming this town’s new handyman along with being fined six hundred dollars.

The mayor took her seat once again stating, “You are all dismissed.”

Emma turned around with a satisfied smile plastered on her face. “Looks like Florida is gonna have to wait.”

[a-tired-narwhal]

Tell me more about your feelings about the details of Caleb's backstory!

Okay listen anon. LISTEN. This is going to be LONG. Did I immediately rewatch/go back through the entire wrap up to take notes? YES I DID. Anon I'm sorry this is so late, I didn't see your ask until after the stream. I hope this finds you (*＾3＾)/～♡

----

Caleb fucking Widogast. Liam O'Brien always creates/portrays characters that CAPTURE ME. And it is purely the undertow of SUFFERING that I crave.

As a survivor of an abusive childhood, specifically with manipulation, neglect, and physical trauma, and having a controlling abuser in a position of power over you - I was surprised and delighted by Liam's playing of Caleb, and I'm sure that I'm probably not the only one, but Caleb's backstory just had me nodding along. Was not surprised at all by what was revealed about the blumentrio's relationship being trauma-bonding and probably why I'll never be an avid shipper of them. Nothing about Caleb's backstory left me gasping - because it's a relatively common abuse survivor story, except it's in the world of dungeons and dragons with high fantasy and magic and more common place murdering than today in places where most Critters presumably live.

Let's break it down.

Caleb was born as Bren to a less than well off family, who wanted their child to have a better life than them. Bren is a gifted child, and this will immediately put a bullseye's target on a child's back, make no mistake, for abusive persons. Now, I don't know if it's a pretty obvious that parents would trust in a teaching figure to take their child for that child's betterment, because I don't have parents who wish for my betterment ¯\_(ツ)_/¯, but I like to think that Bren's parents handed him off hoping for his brightest future.

Trent is basically the textbook example of a Cult Leader. Beyond the experimentation he did on his students; everything he put the Blumentrio through is how you beat down and brainwash people, especially children/adolescents. Textbook. TEXTBOOK. It was the dnd equivalent of the Hilter Youth. Now my personal experience featured the tool of isolation, so I didn't have two childhood friends to pour myself into and have threesome's with, but that's actually smart of Ickythong, because when you're left alone with your whirling brain for too long, and there's no one to hold over your head - we start thinking those rebellious thoughts, and at some point we decide we have nothing to lose, and we will do ANYTHING to shake that control. No, he left them in that abandoned tower together so they would be forced to bond with each other, as well as allowing them not to die of exposure alone.

Trauma-bonding CAN be a manipulation and used against you. Now. We have three adolescents trying not to freeze to death by being as close as physically possible. For those that don't know; sharing body heat works best skin to skin - ya get naked and THEN you wrap up together to stay insulated. Awkward groping is going to happen, and it's more than likely accidental. But when you add raging hormones to the mix, yo it's not going to stay accidental for very long (that in no way indicates non consent, it can be either way), and the feelings can catch hard when you're young and physical and EVERY HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP YOU HAD HAS BEEN TAKEN FROM YOU, IF YOU EVEN EVER HAD ONE. (I do not know Eadwulf or Astrid's home lives so your guess is as good as mine. We should probably ask Liam)

So you've got horny teenagers, with above average intelligence, being systematically abused... Bam. Trauma-bonded Blumentrio.

BUT HERE'S THE THING. Trauma-bonding can only get you so far. And they are children, actively being raised to NOT HAVE THEIR OWN THOUGHTS AND IDENTITIES. The relationship they built, the romantic and sexual, are based off of a shared hostile environment and survival needs. And when those circumstances are no longer there, the relationship tends to fall apart.

I love that Matt talked about Astrid for a bit, sad we didn't get more on Eadwulf - but Matt didn't really spend a lot of time roleplaying Wulf compared to Astrid, so he'd have more insight into her. I also find it interesting that the Blumentrio took 3 very different, but again SO COMMON, paths in dealing with their abuse. But that's a different rant.

Focus with me now on what Matt said about Astrid. She was actively seeking power throughout the campaign, looking always to climb that ladder to the top, for her own purposes which were not stated, and was willing to do anything, sacrifice anyone, to get that power. Was it a burden to her? Yeah I think so. Did it weigh on her? Again I personally think it did. But she was goal-oriented and she wasn't going to let anything stop her, not even herself, and she hated Trent. Matt implies that all three of the Blumentrio did/do. Astrid, Wulf, and Caleb were wildly different people - I don't think they would have stayed together even if Bren had stayed Bren instead of becoming Caleb.

I know A LOT of people were miffed over how Liam and Matt showed Caleb's and Essek's love for each other; and I am SO glad that Liam touched on this; Essek reminded Caleb too much of Astrid and Eadwulf. Now I know we love to joke that that Redhead Dirt Wizard has a Type (smart, ambitious, vaguely amoral), and believe me I LOVE THE JOKE, but Caleb pumping to brakes on Hot Boi makes THE MOST LOGICAL SENSE AND I WAS SO DELIGHTED WHEN LIAM PLAYED IT THAT WAY. Caleb was still trying to heal himself; WHY THE HELL WOULD HE JUMP INTO A MESS CALLED ESSEK? That's some mf UNHEALTHY, TOXIC romance trope ya got there. People fix themselves, not each other. THAT'S WHY CANON SHADOWGAST IS SO GOOD. THEY ARE WORKING TO IMPROVE THEMSELVES FIRST. THAT'S SO HOT.

Ahem.

So the Blumentrio hangout in Astrid's room to sex and study, in threes and twos (I have weird polyam questions, Liam). Now, I'm foggy on the exact timeframe that was together at Academy > kill your parents > Bren is chucked into the Sanitarium; but it's clear that after the murdering of parents, Bren is tagged as the "weakest link" - maybe he broke because he actually loved his family/had a loving family, maybe the manipulation spell from Ickythong didn't sit on him as well as Astrid and Wulf, maybe boi wasn't made for killing (a lie, the boi is a total killer, you have to be in most dnd campaigns), who knows. But he broke, and Astrid and Wulf handed him over - it would be dangerous for them if they tried too hard to protect him.

Because in that environment, in those circumstances, in that set up; you do what you have to, to survive. You hurt people you love, you hurt people you don't know, you even hurt yourself if it means improving your own odds. It's instinct. It's not your fault. You are doing the best you can with what you have available.

I don't hate Astrid and Eadwulf; I just have more emotional attachment and investment in Caleb, and prefer the color purple on him.

Which is actually a great segue into THE WOMAN AT THE SANITARIUM WHO FREED HIS MIND; Matt Mercer you beautiful man, thank you for giving us a Moonweaver connection, my lil widomauk heart was sent aflutter! So, here's the thing. Places like that, sanitariums, psych wards, etc - if you are not certifiably insane before you go in, you will be eventually. One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest is not a fucking joke. But the thought of some forgotten Moonweaver Cleric recognizing Bren's torment and just, poof, dissolving that spell? *Chef's kiss* glorious, wonderful, everything I needed.

Anon, I don't know if this is what you wanted or expected - but here it is, my sincerest apologies 🐳

[msshadows97]

Still not done gushing because ✨️hyperfixation✨️

The jokes are subtle and really dorky.

Like Mr. magorium has a toy mallet that squeaks. Mutant and Molly are arguing and you just hear the squeaking of the mallet with him going "order"

Even the hospital scene while sad, has so many undertones of jokes.

"He says he's 242 years old"

"242?!?! I'm 243 you were at my birthday. You brought me balloons"

Or when Molly is obviously lying (only to us and Mr magorium)

"Why are you lying my dear?"

"Because you have to live"

"But your pants will catch fire"

"I don't care"

Watching this movie as an adult (as I never got the chance to as a child sadly) it is a sweet movie. Talks about death in a way a child would understand. You feel sad, but there is nothing to do about it as things die. Not to mention the quotes are just beautiful.

Here are my favorites (there's a lot)

"We breathe. We pulse. We regenerate. Our hearts beat. Our minds create. Our souls ingest. 37 seconds, well used, is a lifetime."

"We must face tomorrow, whatever it may hold, with determination, joy and bravery"

"I fell so completely in love with these shoes, I bought enough pairs to last my whole lifetime... This is my last pair."

"All stories, even the ones we love, must eventually come to an end and when they do, it's only an opportunity for another story to begin."

"A stroke, you unbrookable ninny. The only stroke I have ever had is one of genius."

Doctor: What are you doing?

Mr. Edward Magorium: I'm practicing the euphonium.

Doctor: The what?

Mr. Edward Magorium: I'm thinking of giving a concert in the psyche ward tomorrow.

His closing monolog:

"When King Lear dies in Act V, do you know what Shakespeare has written? He's written "He dies." That's all, nothing more. No fanfare, no metaphor, no brilliant final words. The culmination of the most influential work of dramatic literature is "He dies." It takes Shakespeare, a genius, to come up with "He dies." And yet every time I read those two words, I find myself overwhelmed with dysphoria. And I know it's only natural to be sad, but not because of the words "He dies." but because of the life we saw prior to the words.

[pause, walks over to Molly]

Mr. Magorium: I've lived all five of my acts, Mahoney, and I am not asking you to be happy that I must go. I'm only asking that you turn the page, continue reading... and let the next story begin. And if anyone asks what became of me, you relate my life in all its wonder, and end it with a simple and modest "He died."

Molly Mahoney: [starting to sob] I love you.

Mr. Edward Magorium: I love you, too.

[picks Molly up, sighs heavily]

Mr. Edward Magorium: Your life is an occasion. Rise to it."

Like, sorry........ WHAT. MAKE ME SOB. WHY DONT YOU!

The quotes are funny, but they are also sad. People have said they hated the movie because it felt flat and childish. It is a child's movie. it's supposed to be childish. There is a meaning behind the movie. The only thing I wasn't the biggest fan on would be the ending after Mr. magorium's funeral. It did feel a bit rushed. It is ok to mourn a bit longer. I get it's a movie but if someone I truly loved just died ima be a mess for the next week and that's sobbing mess week, I don't think I'd ever truly be "fine."

Call me dramatic, but if I just said goodbye to someone I loved I wouldn't be smiling so fast, unless it was a bitter sweet smile.

I do wish we got to know more about Mr. magorium's life, but the brief bit we did know I'm glad we did see.

Anyways hopefully, me ranting about this, like a mad woman, would finally help this hyperfixation, but there are no fanfictions for me to fall back on.

Ok I need to write about this movoe or I'm going to go crazy. This is an amazing kids movie. That simple. The words are great but also the imaging is amazing as well. The framing of the scenes is just, chefs kiss.

The lighting alone towards Mr magorium is always bright with some form of light around him or on him.

Expessually, his ending scene. The shop is dark, and him in his white stripped suit, basically glowing. We know it's his end, but the way it framed with his closing monolog is just beautiful.

[carinyms]

I've scrolled through a lot of discourse on episode 4 of Loki and I need to talk about it

(good lord its a whole essay im sorry)

I gave myself a headache from crying while watching this. (I joined the Loki fandom post-IW so I’ve never had to see him die before while emotionally invested and boy!!! Is it doing things to my fragile psyche!!). But now I’m rehydrated and more stable and ready to party so let’s go

Right off the bat, I loved this episode — loved it loved it loved it. Silly, manic in-shock Loki is gone and shit is getting real. My thought while watching this was truly “wow this is my favorite episode so far” and damn am I in a minority with this opinion lol.

So here’s my perspective on some of the discourse flying around, and just general thoughts

On the whole ‘Narcissist’ thing:

IMO, Mobius saying this means nothing: he’s mad and he’s spouted lies at Loki to push his buttons before (see: every interaction they’ve had since episode 1).

Loki saying this to Sif-- well, Loki is and always has been an unreliable narrator on himself. The major theme of this show is that he doesn’t really know who he is, deep down, and he’s trying to figure it out. The TVA is taking advantage of this, and even though he’s trying to stay above it all throughout the series, he's still in a really impressionable spot and absorbing what others tell him about himself. (not to mention this scene is literal torture and he’s already proven that he’ll say whatever he needs to to get out of it.)

But he does admit one true thing when he says “It’s because I’m scared of being alone.” (And like wow okay same don’t mind my tears) but here’s a big brain idea!

Sif pulls him up and says ‘You are alone, and you always will be’, which is like, WOW that’s cruel after what he said, but it makes me ask wonder: Sif is sentient in this scene, but obviously it’s not really her. Who’s controlling her? And why is it so important for them to make sure Loki thinks he’s alone? I’d go as far as to wager that Sif never even said this to Loki, the big bad made this up. (he admits he forgot about this ever happening, I doubt he’d remember what she said.)

I think the nexus event on Lamentis that caused the branch was two Loki’s joining sides. Or, Loki no longer being alone. Loki insists while talking to Mobius that “she’s not my partner!” but she was, and they were partners from the moment they grabbed hands on Lamentis — right when the timeline broke off. I think Loki variants teaming up is the biggest threat to whoever is pulling the strings here — that’s why the post-credit scene is so significant. (Is Loki the only person who has multiple variants of himself who've escaped the TVA?)

And here’s where I’m gonna get salty--so I apologize but i need to rant about this-- but it’s seriously pissing me off that so many people are intentionally reading this as Loki/Sylvie and then being mad about it when that’s clearly not what’s happening and why is everyone acting like Mobius with one angry jealous brain cell and no critical thinking about the context of the characters.

If people ship it that’s chill, but for the people who are against it—it’s clearly supposed to be platonic, and it’s so upsetting that in the year of our lord 2021 we still can’t have a man and woman hold hands without people saying it’s proof they want to f*ck each other, like what in the misogyny??? STOP. This show was written by a bi woman and Tom the-most-emotionally-sensitive-man-on-this-planet Hiddleston — let them display an intimate loving friendship goddammit. This isn’t romance, this is Loki learning how to admit he cares for someone who cares for him in return — something he hasn’t experienced a whole lot of and clearly doesn’t know how to navigate.

(You have permission to personally come at me if it actually turns out to be romantic by the end of the show—but as of right now I will die on this hill.)

Him putting his hands on her shoulders to me was a clear indication he wanted to hug her, and I’d like to think he would have told her he cares about her, and that they can figure it out together. Because these are two characters who’ve never had anyone else to rely on and trust, and for the first time they’re not alone.

And I have to think about what prompted this from Loki. He just lost Mobius the moment after he called him friend. The way I see it, he’s just realized the true gravity of what they’re up against, and Loki is suddenly very afraid of losing Sylvie too before he tells her cares about her, of dying truly alone because he never told anyone what they meant to him. (Don’t think about this in the context of him also having watched his entire family die knowing he never told Frigga or Thor how much he loved them either don’t think about it—) He’s realized, finally, that he has doesn’t have to be alone, that he can choose to be close to people and have friends. And god it’s so heartbreaking that he never got to hug her or have that moment with her. I really hope they get that in the end. I hope he gets it with Mobius. I hope they have a group hug. I'm upset again.

Okay, deep breath, ANYWAY.

Hopefully this didn’t come off as attacking anyone else’s opinions.

Personally, I love this character so much, I’m just so happy to be seeing him in his own storyline that they can’t go wrong here. Objectively I think the production is amazing, and personally I love they way Loki’s character has been explored so far. (Yea yea, was I HOPING that the bad-memory loop would morph into Sanctuary and Thanos and like a full exploration of his true worst memories? Yes but let’s be honest my whump needs will never be met in canon and I have to accept that lol.)

Honestly I left all my own meta about this character at the door when the series started, because for me the opinions I’ve formed from the hundreds of (amazing) fics and meta I’ve read on this character and what’s true in canon are basically inseparable at this point, and no portrayal is going to live up to the way Loki exists in my head. Canon Loki and fic Loki are two different characters and I can enjoy both at the same time :) I’ve just loved seeing the character get given the different dimensions he deserves, and written by people who care about his story.

Also, it’s not over! If he was dead and this was it I’d be very upset, but this is the rock bottom of the storyline, and I think the whole next two episodes will be the build back up. I trust it’s gonna be worth it. SO hyped for flaming sword Loki. I would die for Sylvie, but I’m excited to see him on his own again.

My current most pressing questions are:

-what was the fallout of Sylvie’s bombing the timeline? (Have we seen that yet, am I just dumb and missing something?)

-Obviously, who’s behind it all? (Kang? Is there a head honcho Very Evil Loki at the top?)

-How much does Ravonna actually know, and to what extent is she just a pawn too? She asked Sylvie to prune her— she’s probably also been duped here.

-Is everything we learned about the sacred timeline BS? How much of what the TVA workers believe is real?

-my favorite theory so far is that the war of the timelines miss minutes talks about hasn’t actually happened yet, maybe making setting that into motion is the true endgame, leading into Multiverse of Madness?

(Side note: holy HELL im so excited for this soundtrack to drop on Spotify. It’s SO AMAZING I had CHILLS in the end credits.)

Open invitation to discuss anything with me if you feel inclined! :)

[onlyfangz]

my school bully killed herself. i want to rant about it. warning, it's a lot. but feel free to read it, i need to feel like someone's hearing me.

i feel like ive spoke about this on here before. but i found out in the past month that my school bully died. when i say bully, i don't mean teasing and name-calling, i mean beat the shit out of me on the regular, ripping clumps of hair out of my head, orchestrated a false allegation against my dad to drag us through a court case type of bully. and this bully basically knocked me off of my life trajectory. i was a severe agoraphobe for years, severe social anxiety, i had a stutter that led to mutism, i was institutionalised twice, i tried to kill myself several times over starting from the age of seven (that's not a typo, i do actually mean seven, not seventeen), and i missed all of school between the ages of 12-16, which is when i left. and she killed herself. in december. and i'm having a really hard time processing it. a lot of memories i hadn't thought about in years, that truthfully, i didn't really remember, all of a sudden is all i can think about. and they're stretching out for years and years, even after she moved to a different school. and through all of this im having to see people mourn her, and i want to scream at them all, even though i know it's not their fault, everyone has at least one person that cares about them, even the people that have hurt us. i've been looking up articles about people who's bullies have died, and they all talk about how they managed to posthumously forgive their bullies because they feel sorry for them, especially in cases similar to hers in which they died due to suicide or drugs or stuff like that, and it's making me feel so upset at myself that i can't bring myself to feel anything other than angry that she took the easy way out when i didn't. i would never think that about suicide normally, i don't think it's easy. but because it's her... the spiteful part of myself that i know exists is angry she didn't suffer more. because from my point of view, all of her suffering was from the circumstances she was in, MY suffering was because of HER. all of these articles keep telling me that i should be the bigger person, to move on not for her sake, but for mine. but i can't. i just can't. nothing that happened to her could make me feel a shred of sympathy for her because at the end of the day she got to live her life as normal up until she killed herself, and i can't even talk to my friends about anything before the age of 18 because it's all unbearably depressing. i can't even talk to my friends about the stress of exams, or how my prom was, or school crushes, romances, exploring my identity, teen troublemaking, teachers i liked, teachers i hated, school friends, because i didn't HAVE any of those things. they all have these abundances of memories that they show me and tell me about and im supposed to, what? tell them about the time we played charades in the fucking psych ward to distract us all from the fact that all the staff had been called away bc someone tried to kill themselves in another ward?? i missed so much of my life because of her, so no, fuck forgiveness, she deserves to miss out on the rest of hers, and i hope she's rotting in hell.

[demonslayedher]

Any Kny character you've grown to love/appreciate more??

Thanks for waiting, Anon, I have been trying to really, really hard to narrow this down, but the answer remains: the vast majority of the cast. The only character I loved right away was Tanjiro and that love kept me watching, as with almost every new character I was like, "ugh, I hate this guy. Here I was, having fun being emotionally invested in a high quality anime, and this might ruin it for me." But then the instant I see a different side of their character, I'm like, "...Oh." To go into some examples...

Zenitsu: I could not stand him right away, I hate womanizers, and his conniptions would go on so long that they held up the story. But Gotouge/Ufotable strung me along perfectly, the first glimpse of Thunder Breath made me immediately pay attention and think, "oh, that was cool. I want to see more of that." Seeing him protect the box pretty firmly put him in the "I need to protect this child" box in my heart. And then the spider demon happens, and I'm sending desperate reaction messages to a friend like "NOOOOOO!!!! BABBBBBBBBBYYYYYYYY!!!!" And then he annoyed me all over again at the start of Functional Recovery, ahaha. It's hard to remember how annoyed I was because I'm such a Zen Stan now, and he was a very firm favorite of mine by the time I finished binging the anime up to the last couple episodes, which I waited for as they came out. Inosuke: He was one of the reasons I was curious about the series, I saw some promotional art and was super curious about Nezuko's muzzle (I was one of the people who thought it was some ancient scroll or something, haha) and the kid with the boar mask. The art I saw showed his face, and I assumed he'd be some kid with a cracking voice performed by a female seiyuu. As much as I love Matsuoka's performance now, initially, since I knew what his face looked like, I found it grossly off-putting the moment I heard it. Then every chaotic thing Inosuke did dug a deeper hole; I very quickly decided I hated him, especially when he started beating up on the kid I was starting to like. As his chaos subsided he just became a character I tolerated, and then this happened:

Images you can hear, am I right? This immediately flipped the "BABY" switch in my heart. It was also a lot of fun to understand the Inosuke memes I was seeing everywhere. So by the end of the anime, I loved, loved, loved, loved the Tanjiro/Zenitsu/Inosuke interactions and desperately wanted more (still didn't like how Zenitsu bothered Nezuko, though). I was so impatient for more, but the manga art looked disappointingly off-putting. I figured the anime was successful enough that there'd eventually be more of it, and I wanted to be patient, but then I poked around, read some spoilers, got back into Tumblr to look at fanart and memes, saw a spoiler image of Tanjiro affected by Muzan's poison and the binge-read began. (That's kind of a lie, but I'll get to that.) Let's back up a few episodes. There I was, having a great time, the guy who I forgot about from Episode 1 was back and haha, I guess everyone hates him, and the chick who I figured was going to be a medic who saves Zenitsu in the nick of time turned out to be savage, awesome. I was sending reactions to my friends who were ahead of me, and then we left off seeing the Pillars staring down Best Boy. And I...

Well. Uh. Here, I've dug up an old convo for you, my comments are in blue.

Immediately followed by a passionate vocal rant, which I have transcribed here:

“I feel like what happened was that the mangaka was sitting around with his assistants and was like, ‘welp, gotta make this whole cast of characters, they gotta be so-o-o-o many more levels of extreme than all the other characters I’ve had so far, which isn’t hard, because all of the background characters are cannon fodder and I’ve just gotta leave them all with black hair and no personality traits. So! Gotta go to the opposite of the spectrum with the BIG! POWERFUL! People so no-o-o-body can be normal.’ And so he and his assistants sat down, and they all wrote down just random words or traits, and them put ‘em all in a hat. And then for each character, they pulled out a few of them and said, ‘OK. We’re gonna put these things together, now we have a character.’ And he was probably also like, ‘Iiiiiiiiiiiii’ll flesh them out later. For now, they just need t’… be there, and make an impact. How do we make an impact? By making sure it’s super, super clear what their character traits are. Here, we’ll have this guy repeat the word //HADE//…. ////HA DEEE//// over and over and over… to show that he’s a /showy/ person. Because he /cares/ about that. And he //should// care because that is his character and that’s why he’s powerful.’ OH MY GOSH, it’s so dumb.”

......orz I feel like Genya looking back at how he acted at the end of the Final Selection. I'm sorry, Gotouge, I had not even encountered your love for these characters yet in your little alligator form. Nor had I encountered the yet unseen-sides of these traumatized dragons and tigers. ...*coughs* Um. So. I was pretty harsh.

So this was my mindset, I went into the manga not caring about most of these characters and just wanting more Kamaboko squad interactions and wanting to hurry up and catch up to the battle with Muzan. And it's worth stating that I didn't mean to read it at first. I encountered a few spoilers, and just wanted to look for the context surrounding those parts, and then hunt for the (non-existent) build-up to those parts, and so... uh.........

I read a lot of the manga out of order, and yeah, that did affect how much I cared about what was going on. I didn't actually properly process a lot of it until later re-reads. But to try to state some things simply about each Pillar:

Giyuu: He was just 'ok' to me for a long time, I could see the appeal for why people I knew were fangirling over him but he didn't do it for me. His soft spot for Tanjiro was indeed endearing, though, and I firmly liked him by the time chapter 200 came out and I was properly heartbroken on his behalf.

Shinobu: She was intriguing, and then I liked her as soon as I saw her savage side, she was one of the characters I went hunting for spoilers for.

Rengoku: That stare really put me off at first, but I fell for him over the process of Tanjiro falling for him. When I first finished the train arc I sat back and said, "wow! That's going to make for a good movie!" and then in psyching myself out for the movie several months in advance, I fell hook, line, and sinker and was totally excited for him each time I saw the trailers. And then the movie was *stunning* and I love him even more. Uzui: He was the Pillar I hated most upon first meeting them. I blame the repeated use of his catchphrase. But then when he let his hair down to sell the kiddos the change in design helped warm me up more to him, like, "oh, there was a human in there." It took a long time for him to become more interesting to me, and an uncharacteristically subtle journey to becoming a character I liked. I am currently getting more and more psyched out for him and eager to see how much more I'm going to like him with the shiny Ufotable treatment. Mitsuri: At first I didn't remember her name, I had code-named her as "Boobs." But I kinda had a feeling she was going to grow on me quickly, and I was right, she's one of my easy favorites now. Muichiro: Who? Oh yeah, that kid who always kinda fell to the wayside in my attention. I'd see a lot of Muichiro-themed blogs and hear a lot of little girls looking at merch and showing a clear favoritism of him, and I'd like always react like Muichiro and just be like, "...", and then when I read his major battles I was more emotionally invested in things going on concurrently with other characters, and I was still like, "...", and then two days ago I revisited a Muichiro scene and was suddenly like, "......OH!!! MUICHIRO!!!!!" Himejima: I never really hated Himejima, even if I found his first impression kind of wimpy (haha... oh, I was so wrong). I had a pretty easy acceptance of him too, so I would generally count him among characters I like, but if you were to ask me why, I'd draw a blank. It's kind of a weirdly mature, subdued appreciation for him rather than passionate fangirling. But weirdly when I was daydreaming the other day I found myself thinking, "if I had to marry someone in the KnY cast, it would be Himejima." So like, not a fiery romance, but I see him as my dependable, sturdy rock to grow old with??? What is up with you, sub-conscious?? Iguro: My interest in him rises and falls. Being a Mitsuri fan helped warm me up to his character in the first place, which was the emotional tie I needed since his backstory didn't grip me much (I found it a frustrating distraction while I was desperately reading weekly updates). Reading more subtle details about his character in the fanbooks has brought me around and made me more curious about him, like I'd really like to be a fly on the wall for the conversation he had with Uzui one day about their pasts.

Sanemi: Hahaha, wow. He was so unlikable in the beginning, wasn't he? His character design (yeah, the eyes) was really off-putting too. But then I got to know him and there was no going back, I got totally played. He's a character I'm pretty fond of now and one of the characters I've enjoyed delving into most in fanfic. To keep this answer from getting too long, for the vaaaaaast majority of the cast, I was initially like, "meh" or "OK" or "ew" but now am like, "EEEEEEEEE, I LOVE THIS TOTALLY RANDOM UNIMPORTANT SIDE CHARACTERRRRRRR" so you know... times change. And the more time I spend obsessed with Kimetsu no Yaiba, the more I like them all, so even the characters I'm lukewarm on will probably have their eventual days when they take over my heart and smash it.

[aewhore]

Hi! I was wondering if you could maybe write a threesome smut between penelope ford, kip sabian, and a female reader?

Three’s a Party ~ Kip Sabian & Penelope Ford x fem! reader (NSFW)  

Request by @unusem13 (I hope you like it!!)

Walking around the backstage area of AEW Dynamite was always a weird time, there was always loads of people around and the energy was intoxicating. You were preparing for your match tonight against Penelope Ford, You had been feuding for the last 2 weeks after Kip had begun to feud with your tag team partner and overall best friend Hangman Adam Page, you had joined Page to assist at ringside when Penelope attacked you leading to your intergender tag match tonight. This was going to be a tough match for you. You hadn’t told anyone, not even Adam but you had a history with Penelope. You had dated back when you both were in the indies and you had to end it when you went to Japan but Penelope stayed in the states.  

You both hadn’t been in the same company let alone the same ring in at least 4 years. So now as you stand in the ring with Adam waiting for Penelope to make her entrance you can feel your nerves eating you alive. Her music plays and the crowd starts to boo herself, Kip and Miro, as they strut out of the heels entrance onto the ramp and towards the ring. “Let’s go Y/N! Put her away fast and drinks are on me tonight!” You’re snapped back to reality by Adam slapping you on the back and yelling encouragement over Penelope’s music. You smiled at Adam before looking back at Penelope on the other side of the ring to see she’s already staring at you. Something flashes in her eyes but she turns away towards her fiance before you can truly understand what she was thinking. The ref enters the ring and you and Adam decide that you should begin the match. 

The bell rings and you cautiously approach Ford to lock up to begin the match but she catches you off guard with a swift punch to the jaw knocking you backwards. You stand back up to square up to Ford. You had hoped to have a fair fight but Penelope had other plans when she slapped you starting a striking exchange between the two of you. Emotions were getting the better of you as you ignored Adam’s attempts to tag in, instead of focusing on causing Ford the most pain possible. The numbers advantage overwhelmed you when you and Ford spilt to the outside and Kip got in a few cheap shots. When you’re rolled back into the ring you get a burst of adrenaline and sprint towards Adam for the hot tag. You collapse on the ring apron as you watch your favourite cowboy clean house wiping out kip and Miro but leaving Chuckie standing (cos he ain’t do nothing wrong) 

You gather yourself on the apron as you watch your best friend do what he does best and beat Kip all around the ring. Miro gets involved and Adam loses the upper hand and you start a chant with the crowd to motivate Hangman to get back to your corner to tag you in. You’re so invested in getting Adam to get back to your corner, back to safety that you don’t notice Penelope had run around from her corner to yours to pull your legs out from under you, causing you to crash down, hitting you face on the apron on your way down. Agonizing pain rang through your skull as you curled up on the floor holding your head. You try to stand but your vision is blurred and you sway when you try to stand. You rely on the apron to hold yourself as your eyes focus. You see Kip hitting Adam with his finisher and you try to get into the ring to break up the pin but you’re too slow. Your heart sinks, you and Adam lost the match, had you paid attention, you would have won.  

You and Adam lean on each other as you make your way to the medics room. “I’m sorry Adam, I’m not a good tag team partner” you confess as you sit upon the medics bench. “Don’t worry about it darling, I ain’t the best teammate either” you both let out a pained chuckle as the doc comes over to check on you. There was a gentle knock on the door before a stagehand entered to call Adam to an important booking meeting. “I’m sorry darling I need to go, you’ll be okay. Call me when you get back to your hotel room ok?” you were saddened to see Adam go as you hate being in the medics room alone but he’s needed elsewhere. “Ok cowboy, I’ll call you later.” he gave you a quick kiss on the forehead before exiting the room. The medic begins running tests on you after hangman leaves. “Alright Y/N, I’ll be back in a few moments with your diagnosis.” You hear the door open but you don’t hear it close so you turn your head to see the door open and Penelope and Kip standing in the doorway. 

“I thought you hated being in medic rooms alone,” Penelope asks as she enters the room to lean on the medics bench opposite you. “I do hate it, Adam had to leave and your little stunt may have given me a concussion so I didn’t exactly have a choice now did I?” You could stay angry at Ford so your eyes stayed glued to your shoes as you ranted at her. “Oh Y/N, don’t act like you want an apology, if the shoe was on the other foot you would have done the exact same thing.” Your eyes snap up to Ford as you try to think of a retort. “Oh would you two just kiss and make up already, all this tension is making me sick.” You and Penelope break eye contact when Kip groans from the other side of the medics room. You both stutter and try to come up with some sort of response when the doc comes through the door. Kip moves towards Penelope and puts his arm around her midsection before turning towards you. “Listen Y/N, I think I know exactly what will put an end to this tension between the two of you. After the show, room 254. I’ll explain if you show up” and with that, he leads Penelope out of the room. You follow the two of them with your eyes before the doc interrupts you. “Ok Y/N, I ran tests and it doesn’t look too bad, so you won’t have to go to the hospital but I would still recommend that you take the week off just to rest up.” you’re relieved that you won’t have to go to the hospital so you thank the doc and excuse yourself as fast as possible to go to the locker room to grab your things and get out of daily’s place as fast as possible. 

You get back to your hotel and have a long, hot shower to relax your muscles. When you get out you check your phone to see that Dynamite will end in a few minutes. Your mind mulls over Kip’s proposal, you wanted to know what the English man had in mind but what if you and Penelope couldn’t get past your tension. You dry your hair and get dressed before sitting on the bed, lost in your thoughts you grab your phone and text Adam that your Ok. you lock your phone and see you still have time. “Fuck it, what do I have to lose?” you mutter before grabbing your room key and making your way to the elevator. You exit on the second floor and your anxiety grows in your stomach. You stand at the door, the numbers 254 in a worn gold nailed to the door. You had to psych yourself up but your hand still raises to knock twice on the wooden door. You hear movement on the other side of the door before it unlocks and it opens to reveal Kip in his signature crop top and low sitting tracksuit bottoms revealing the top band of his designer boxers. 

“I had a feeling I’d be seeing you doll” Kip’s arrogance rolls off him as he moves slightly to allow you to walk into the room. “It’s good to see you too Sabian” You walk into the room to see Penelope sitting on the bed on her phone before she looks up at you and a small smile graces her face, you smile back before you hear Kip walk up behind you. “I’m guessing you're wondering why I asked you to come here.” you turn to see Kip smiling at you. You nod at him, signaling for Kip to continue. “Well Y/N, I have noticed that you and my fiancee have a lot of tension, so myself and Penelope have spoken about what we can do to settle this.” Your eyes dart between Ford and Sabian as you try to understand what Kip is saying. “I still love you Y/N” you gasp at Penelope’s confession, she stands and begins to walk towards you. “Wrestling you tonight tore me up, and seeing Adam have to help you to the back broke my heart, I’m sorry and I’d like to make it up to you tonight.” You smile at Penelope but frown when you realize that you still haven’t been told what you all are doing tonight. Your thoughts are interrupted when Penelope smashes her lips against yours, Your shock melts into lust as you melt into Penelope’s touch. Her lips were as soft as you remembered and her hands moved up to hold your jaw. You both break apart and gasp to catch your breath.  

You felt someone press against you back and you identify it as Kip. You smile at the supposedly cocky English man’s need for attention. “See! I told you, you guys could kiss and make up” he grumbles before laying gentle kisses on your neck. You and Penelope make eye contact before you say. “Aw kip, was someone feeling a bit left out?” you giggle slightly. “I think we can make room for him, couldn’t we Y/N?” Penelope plays along with you in teasing Kip. You turn your head to face Kip before placing your hand under his chin and bringing him in to kiss you. His stubble is a rough contrast to his soft lips and strong hands gripping your hips. You grind your hips back against Kip’s growing erection. You feel Penelope trailing kisses along your neck and trails down your chest. You moan as Penelope’s hands move to massage your breasts, your back arches towards her. You and Kip break apart and Penelope leans back away from you, all three of you are breathing deeply when an idea pops into your head. “We’re all wearing too many clothes.” Before you can fully finish your sentence Penelope’s hands reach for the rim of your shirt and Kip’s hand hook onto your leggings. You’re left in your bra and panties as you reach to unzip Penelope’s jeans and tug them down. You see Kip’s shirt fall to the floor followed by his pants. When you are all left in your undergarments, You reach your hands under Penelope’s thighs to pick her up so she wraps her thighs around your waist. You carry her towards the bed and lay her down on her back in the center of the bed. 

You settle yourself between her legs as you trail kisses from her throat down her sternum down her stomach until you reach the rim of her panties and you pull her lacy thong down her thighs and out of your way. You make eye contact with her before you begin to kiss and suck along her thigh before you begin to kitten lick her soaked slit. Her moans begin to flow out of her as you lick at her pussy, moving your mouth from her opening to her clit and back again. You were on all fours with one of your hands wrapped around one of Penelope’s thighs and another on her pelvis to keep her from bucking too much. You feel Kip settle behind you and run two fingers over your clothed wet pussy, before he hooks his finger in the crotch of your panties and pulls them down your thighs before completely ripping them off of you. Kip massaged your clit with 2 of his fingers before he slips those two fingers into you and you loudly moan against Penelope causing a domino effect creating a loud moan from her as well. You can feel Kip thrust his fingers into you and scissors them inside you giving you this euphoric feeling of being gently stretched out.  

Kip takes his fingers out of you and you whine at the feeling of loss but before you can complain he rubs the head of his cock along your folds and you go to move your head to moan but Penelope grabs your hair to keep your focus between her thighs. Kip slowly pushes his cock into you, you can feel Kip’s cock fill you perfectly as he pushes inside you before he nudges against your G spot which makes your eye roll into the back of your head at the sensory overload. Kip thrusts into you at a toe-curling pace and you can’t help but fuck your hips back onto him. You take a break from sucking Penelope’s clit to wet your middle and ring fingers so you can plunge them into her needy hole causing her to arch her back completely off the bed and grind against your fingers and mouth. You match Kip’s thrusting pace with your fingers as you feel your orgasm get nearer and nearer. You latch your mouth back onto Penelope’s clit and her hand in your hair tightens as she screams out your name. You feel her pussy tighten around your fingers as a blast of wetness hits your face, you continue thrusting your fingers into her, fucking her through her orgasm. The coil in your pelvis gets tighter and tighter before Kip reaches one of his hands around to rub tight circles on your clit and the coil snaps as you cum all over Kip’s cock. Your pussy tightening and the added moisture causes Kip’s thrusts to stutter as he thrusts deeply into you one last time before painting your walls with his cum.  

You all collapse into a tangle of limbs as you lay in the center with Kip’s arm wrapped around your chest with Penelope’s leg thrown over your hip. Penelope’s hand came up to caress your jaw and you can’t help but melt into her hand. “So is it safe to say that the tension between the two of you is gone?” Kip jokes as he nuzzles into your neck. “Hm, I don’t know, I think we’ll have to do this again sometime to really get all the tension out” Penelope jokes before she kisses your cheek. You giggle as you think, oh you’ll definitely be doing this again sometime.

[fallenhero-rebirth]

Brain update

First, let me say that this isn't about what anybody has done. My reactions are not in proportion to anything that has happened, and might be considered odd, weird and sensitive to people involved.

So let me explain.

I'm an Aspie (what we call ourselves in Sweden), on the autism spectrum. Yeah, might have guessed that from the story I'm writing, Sidestep is not the only one trying to figure out how people work.

Over the years I have built up an arsenal of knowledge and analysis to be able to pretend to be neurotypical, something that I can manage alright most days, but which breaks down once you get to know me better. I'm open with this at my current job, and luckily both my bosses seem to be okay dealing with open communication and just telling me what I need to do.

It was not always like this, and that is one of the reasons why I had a breakdown and needed to get off discord/tumblr.

Back in the late nineties, I had finally got my dream job. I was a product developer in the food industry, part of a rather small department of middle-class academics. I was the new hire, everyone else had worked there for years, and things were going well. Or so I assumed. I got cool projects, got along well with one of the sales people, and well, my boss was weird but bosses always are.

Three years later. Our parent company wanted to sell us off, everyone was starting to get worried about their job. We tried to expand into things were weren't equipped to do (you don't bring spices into a fruit jam line, will be hell to clean) and while I did the projects, I also raised an (in retrospect) too big stink about the fact that we were wasting time developing things we couldn't produce without expanding. My boss (who I had learned was a devout christian) started to get really weird, I got called in and he wondered if I was a member of a cult (I was often wearing a headscarf at the time because pressure on my head is good for stress relief). I also got told off for wearing army boots to work (we had lab shoes in the lab), because (I kid you not) if we had danish visitors to the lab (we didn't have visitors) they could be offended since they had once been occupied by Nazis. Yes, at the time I was an Antifa metalhead/satanist, it was a very volatile time in sweden and nazis were everywhere. Now they're a political party, go figure.

It all came to a head when I was confronted with a folder one of the secretaries of the department had where she had written down every odd and strange thing that I did, and there were a lot of accusations of things I quite frankly blocked out. Around this time I was suffering from bad burnout, had memory loss, my hair was falling out and I lost two bikes because I forgot where I parked them. All because of workplace hostility.

So for the first time ever, I went to the company doctor, who immediately sent me on a one month sick leave, and gave a reference to a therapist. When I went and told my boss, his reaction was "It can't be anything at work," in a dismissive tone. I wrote my resignation right then and there, left the building, snuck back a Saturday to clean out my stuff so I didn't have to meet anyone. Luckily I was backed up by my union, so I got unemployment despite quitting, and the therapist helped me get back on my feet and hook me up with some antidepressants.

Still, I was a wreck for years.

At the time, I had NO idea I was an Aspie. It weren't talked about, the only thing I knew about Autism, was from the various portrayals in movies, and well, in the nineties you can guess. Rainman pretty much was it.

What destroyed me the most was not that people disliked me, I didn't like them either, we didn't have anything in common, and middle-class people always scared me. No, what broke me was the fact that my system failed.

See, I had built up myself over ten years into someone I wanted to be. Smart. Capable. Metalhead. Researcher. Activist. I thought I knew the rules. How to interact.

It turned out I knew nothing. People had been talking behind my back for years, and I didn't know. Getting annoyed by my ticks, and I had no idea. Nobody ever brought anything up to my face until it exploded one day out of the blue. This is why I have ranted about anons on this tumblr. This is why I have been so openly against passive aggressive posts and bullying, especially the anonymous kind, because it destroys people and I don't think the people who does it knows the impact they can have. I hope they don't.

I have never gone back to the lab. I can't. I'm having heart palpitations just thinking about it when I'm writing this. I retrained. Became a machinist. Back to the working class I came from. Eventually started writing.

And this is exactly what these last months have felt like.

I thought I understood things. I was pretty open with being old, an Aspie, not understanding memes, or humor, or tik tok, or certain aspects of people's behavior like jealousy, but the problem with joking about this is that it's so easy to take as just a joke. That I'm just making fun of myself (oh it's that too). I got advice from some of you, which I ignored, because I thought that I could be different. That there was no danger in getting close. That I could be just another voice in the crowd. An occasionally evil avocado. That this couldn't blow up in my face, that everything was cool.

And then it did. And I was wrong. And the talking started, and things were coming out that I had no idea that was going on. That I was being held responsible for. Opinions that were spoken in my name. Events I was supposed to have been aware of and supported. All of a sudden I was omniscient, aware of the true passive aggressive meaning of every reblog, aware of every post in every room in the discord I wasn't even running. Wasn't even a mod on. All of a sudden I had power, and I had used it to hurt people. The people I cared about. Everything I wrote was taken in the worst possible way, twisted into things I never meant, and the more I tried to talk to people, the worse it went.

Look. I know this was at heart a war between people that just doesn't like each other and the things they do/the ways they behave. I'm still not entirely sure who's been involved, and I'm not interested in finding out. I tried to build a supportive space, reblog everyone's art and fics, encourage people to make their own things, get a kofi, get some money, make some friends.

And herein lies my problem.

I thought I understood how to be, and now I don't. I have no idea who hates my guts and who doesn't (well, except some who has very vocally let me know). I can't trust anything. I can't trust anyone. And it sucks. Someone I trusted stabbed be in the back because they were convinced I stabbed them in the back and that sucks more than I can describe. Every time I make a comment on AO3 or twitter it's after psyching myself up for half an hour, and I'm usually a wreck afterwards, because my brain doesn't know if they hate me too, and if I am imposing on them and making their day bad.

So yeah. I need to figure out how to be. How not to have a nausea attack every time I accidentally click open tumblr from pure reflex, looking away from the screen just not to see how may messages I have.

I never wanted to be the aloof author, but maybe I have to be. The question is if I can. I have been told I can't comment on pics or fics, because then I have favorites. And that makes people jealous. And it makes people think I take sides. I have been told I can't be on the discord, because then I will be held responsible for what the mods do there, and everything that's said even when I'm not around. I should apparently have someone manage the tumblr, it's not something that I, an author should do.

I now understand the authors who just stay away and remain distant, because people give themselves the power to write the narrative for you.

Part of me wants to tell people what I've told my current bosses, don't assume, just talk to me. I don't pick up/do passive aggression, I don't understand hints, I have trouble with nuance, I don't listen to gossip, I don't interact enough to know anything that's going on. Just ask before assuming.

Except that right now I can't. I can't talk about any of this. It's too close. It sets me off. It's getting better, sure, I'm on medication again, but the smallest thing still can ruin my entire day. I have no idea how long it will take me to recover and come back to some semblance of normality. I'm not posting this myself (my partner does). Writing is going well, because it lets me not be myself. I need those walls again. The therapy of writing about pain.

I'll rebuild them. I'm not entirely sure who I'll be on the other end of it. We'll see.

I have consciously not spoken about any details because those could be misunderstood, this is not a passive aggressive callout to anybody. I have no hard feelings towards anyone, I am not angry or upset, just confused and sad. I am truly so very, very, very sorry that I've hurt people, both by action and inaction. It was never my intention. I will do my best to do better in the future.

Still working on how to do that.

[wolfwarden]

1, 3, and 18 for the Meta Asks, if you would! I shall await with great curiosity. ~Rav

Rav! Hello! Thanks for the ask! I'm sorry it's taken 1000 years for me to answer. XD (Questions are from this post.) You picked some fun ones for me...

1. Tell us about your current project(s)  – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?

Rant about my current projects?! Why, I would LOVE to. :D I have three babies that I am currently bouncing between: "Grateful" (Sky has visions), "Isn't It Worth A Little Suffering?" (Warriors vs. the Fierce Deity and Mask/Time gets caught in between), and "Little Brother" (Wind, Warriors, and Time take turns taking care of each other and being cared for in return).

They have quite a bit in common. They all contain angst but have varying degrees of hurt/comfort in them. They are also all gift fics! One is a secret Santa gift for the lovely Rae, and the other two are based on some really cool art by HylianRamen and sekiumiarashi. They are also at 1 chapter each and I promised myself they will NOT be abandoned, I WILL finish them. I just need to stop coming up with more ideas to stuff into them.

Current progress: "...Suffering" -this one lives up to its name because I am suffering. Struggling on chapter 2 and how I want the story to be told, but I have the major outlining for the whole fic done. Just have to keep pushing! I'm hoping to update this one first. "Grateful" -Have quite a few scenes written for Ch3. Ch2 is outlined. The brain is buzzing on this one, please tell it to calm down. "Little Brother" -Ch3 is actually 2/3 of the way done. Chapter 2 needs lots of love. (Is anyone noticing a pattern here? XD Are ch2s my kryptonite?) This is already getting so long so I'll try and be brief: I love "Little Brother" for the chance to write short little hurt/comfort pieces. I get to be unabashedly soft about the big bro/lil bro dynamic between these three characters and how that can change over time. It's an indulgence to write and I love it. I love "...Suffering" for the chance to flex my big dramatic angst muscles and see if I can pull off a bigger story than I've ever tried before. We'll see what happens here, but oh boy, do I have plans. :) Also getting to explore the psyche of the Fierce Deity? Yes, please. I love "Grateful" because it's my first time trying to write a Sky-centric fic that really focuses on how he fits into the group dynamic. There are a LOT of things I want to play with here: forming friendships, protectiveness at the cost of honesty, predetermined destiny, and grappling with belief. Sky is so often portrayed as most loyal to Hylia (understandably, she's reincarnated as his girlfriend), but does that make things harder, knowing her humanity? Or does it make things easier, knowing she tried her best with the power she had? What happens when gifts become burdens, and tools meant to help just hurt instead?

3. What is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway)

RAV, I LOVE YOU FOR ASKING THIS BUT I HAVE ALREADY BLATHERED ON FOR SO LONG. ...I'm gonna answer this one in another post if that's okay.

18. Do any of your stories have alternative versions? (plotlines that you abandoned, AUs of your own work, different characterisations?) Tell us about them.

Question 18 was answered in this post. Kinda cheated and talked about deleted scenes and alternate endings instead of AUs. :D