#sorry for the long addition i just have autism spectrum disorder

[rubyfire777]

what makes it hurt even more is that he hated pushing her like that, feeling he was forced by ganon's prophecy:

Zelda finally reported back after her visit to the fountain. It seems her sacred sealing power has still yet to awaken. It has been a year and three months since her mother passed. Perhaps she is held back by heartache too deep to heal. If the Ganon prophecy wasn't looming over our heads, I would tell her to take her time... To wait until she is ready. But our situation is dire and leaves no room for weakness—even on behalf of my beloved daughter. My heart breaks for Zelda, but I must act as a king, not a father. I must order her to train relentlessly at the fountain.

(king rhoam's diary, page 4)

In truth, I understand Zelda's feelings. Painfully so. She lost her mother, her teacher, before she could learn from her. Ten pointless years of self-training, without so much as a book or note to help her find her way... Those in the castle talk behind her back. And I, her only family, scold her for her shortcomings. No wonder she wishes to hide away in her beloved relic research. I'd love nothing more than to console her... But I must stay strong. She MUST fulfill her duty, just as we all must. Even if she comes to despise me.

(king rhoam's diary, page 6)

and he accepted the error of his ways right before the calamity, when it was too late. he died before he could tell her she wasn't broken, that he loved her, that he didn't want to do this to her:

I have been told my Zelda went to the Spring of Wisdom... This will likely be her last chance. If she is unable to awaken her power at Lanayru, all hope is truly lost. If she comes back without success, then I shall speak kindly with her. Scolding is pointless now. I forced 10 years of training on her... and after all that, it seems her power will stubbornly awaken some other way. Perhaps I should encourage her to keep researching her beloved relics. They may just lead her to answers I can't provide. For now, I sit anxiously, more a father than a king in this moment. I sit and await my daughter's return.

(king rhoam's diary, page 7)

i like to think, since you can't find the diary in hyrule castle anymore in tears of the kingdom, that link brought it to her, or that she found it herself in the years since breath of the wild, exploring her former home.

it wouldn't make what he did ok, but i think it would mean a lot to her.

thinking about how zelda never got closure from her father. she was never given an apology for the agony she went through all those years, believing something was wrong with her simply because she couldn’t harness her power yet. pushing herself to the brink of exhaustion, passing out in freezing cold waters, just for her father to tell her she wasn’t trying hard enough. and then for her father to die to the calamity before she could see him again. no apology, no goodbye. just gone. i cant even imagine the conflicting feelings she would have.

[smolljester]

i know i've mainly been giving facts about my Agent Four but it's because she's my main focus right now (i.e. MC of my current Splatoon fic) and also that she got done dirty by Nintendo. anyway, i'll share another one for shits and giggles.

Four's autistic. i try not to say it outright in the fic and only imply it, but i might as well confirm it here. before writing the fic i did as much research as i could on autism (don't worry, i didn't use autism speaks, fuck them) to try and get an accurate representation on a person with autism. of course, i did realise in the midst of my research that autism is a spectrum disorder and that it's different with everyone that has it.

with that in mind, i decided to base some of her behaviours off of my own despite not being autistic myself (i have ADHD/ADD). here are a few examples;

Four knows the different systems of measurement and quickly converts them into different lengths depending on what's convenient. (ex. metres to feet to inches to centimetres.) when she started working with Marie, she compared some of the enemy Octarians to the Salmonids (Octoboss = Salmonid boss).

in addition, Four has a mostly deadpan expression, but will convey her emotions in the form of her ears and posture. if her ears are perked up, she's listening to what you're saying and interested. if they're swivelled back and her back is hunched, then she's defensive. the list goes on.

one last thing is that her slang is 'not up to date.' she'll say things like "gnarly" or "wicked."

sorry for the long post, i just really wanted to talk about my Four. have a great rest of your day and don't forget to drink water.

[formulatrash]

I would love to know about the process by which you were diagnosed as autistic. I think I am, I've thought it for years...but the GP doesn't want to know (as I'm on the surface a functioning woman with a job and a family and there isn't enough "evidence") and I can't afford private assessment.

I appreciate the label in itself is not everything but I need some resolution as to what is wrong with me beyond the fluffy psychology labels (high functioning anxiety, highly sensitive person)

Obviously understand if you don't want to go into it...but it would help me understand if I need to start saving....

oh sure; so, this was getting on for 10 years ago now, obviously but it was, at the time, a fairly drawn-out process of getting a referral from a GP and then a series of assessments, involving yourself and family members (if you had relevant family members to testify about your behaviour as a child etc - I didn't take this option up as aside from anything else it was becoming screamingly obvious I was autistic from the tests on me)

there was various diagnostic processes, including an initial multiple choice quiz basically that felt way too general but then they started drilling in to bits of it. which I guess makes sense because otherwise it's like [flops entire brain onto desk like a load of focaccia dough out a tupperware] analyse this fuckos.

they talked quite a lot about how I coped with school (an additional complication for me due to having been raised by wolves/not in school very long) and how I understood social interactions. at the time my explanation for why I seemed to have quite a lot of empathy and depth of understanding was that there'd been some volatile situations I'd been in that had required me to become very sensitised to the moods and behaviours of other people around me in order to try to manage the situation or avoid a sudden flare up. and then of course I was a little awkward socially because I'd ended up in a bit of a virgin suicides thing where I didn't get to socialise much as a teenager before I went to university and had been a quiet child.

all of that was still true, as was the fact that then (like now) I tended to use alcohol as a social crutch which is a fairly common autistic masking thing in the late diagnosed. I'd actually totally suppressed all cues like environmental discomfort because I'd just dissociate instead until I think I may have spent like, a genuinely significant proportion of my life before my thirties dissociating and that probably explains a few other things.

they obviously had some additional explanations for me, which at the time was (and I think in the UK still is) called being two points off the highest score for asperger's syndrome. in the US and other places they don't call it that now because asperger was a nazi and honestly, pretty fucking horrifying that whole thing so: heads up I don't know why we still do that in the UK instead of calling it autism spectrum disorder or just autism but y'know. the UK.

the waiting list back then was about a year for the NHS in London (I ended up getting diagnosed at the Maudsley) and it now looks to be a lot longer than that, more like three years or longer. which is, I am afraid, bad news; I believe you can go private and that it's not prohibitively expensive in the sense it's like, used car money not new car money, as far as I know but it's not a process I've done and I wouldn't be able to make any recommendations unfortunately. at the time when I was diagnosed I thought the whole thing was stupid and I obviously wasn't autistic so wasn't in a hurry.

in retrospect this is obviously very, very funny because not only am autistic but like the most autistic but oh well that's what happens when the only depictions of autism you've ever seen are people totally unlike you etc.

sorry not to be more help, anon - I hope you can find a way to make more sense of your brain.

it can be helpful to find out about yourself and to stop berating yourself for the ways your brain is wired. sometimes we need to run things slightly differently in order to make them work and being given a map (or some suggested maps, at least) to try to find those routes is a lot less frustrating than wondering why the fuck it doesn't work the way it's supposed to. feel free to reach out if you just wanna talk Seemingly Nonstandard Brain Things.

[apocalypticwafflekitten]

Never Too Much

Maul x ASD!Reader 

A/N: I am SO ASHAMED OF HOW LONG IT’S TAKEN ME TO GET THIS OUT HOLY CRAP I”M SO SORRY! BUT IT’S FINALLY HERE!!!! YAY!!! ...pretty please forgive me! (Also, If anything is wrong or offensive, please please let me know so that I can fix it! I tried to keep it as gender neutral as possible, but I’m used to writing with a female reader in mind, so if I’ve slipped up and missed anything that would label a gender, feel free to let me know as well! Other than that, I hope you enjoy this story!)

Original Imagine/Summary: This is for the lovely @localnightmare13! They requested a story with a gender-neutral reader who has ASD and is a little insecure about it. But we all know that Maul is always ready to make you feel loved and cherished in this world, so it’ll be alright!

Warnings: I’m not... I’m not sure if I’ve made it 100% crystal clear, but the reader has ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder)! So if that throws you off your rhythm, then by all means, you don’t have to read this story!

Other than that, miiiiild angst if you squint. It’s mostly the reader feeling insecure about themselves, and wondering about their relationship with Maul. There is crying involved, so you maaaaaay want tissues. Maybe?

Word Count: 2.6k

He could feel you walk up beside him, though it wasn’t the tapping of your shoes against the smooth floor, nor was it the soft brush of your hand on his shoulder that told him you were here.  

It was a ripple through the force. A wave of worry. A spike of something else he couldn’t quite place.  

But you smiled at him. A large smile, like always, as if nothing was wrong. He was baffled, confused, but he decided to ask later. After the syndicate meeting perhaps. 

~~~~~~

The members of the syndicate gathered before the throne, and chatted to themselves while they waited on you and Maul to arrive.  

It had been a while since you had lead a meeting. Your last mission had you bedridden with a nasty wound to your side for weeks while you healed. This was the first time you’d be leading a meeting in nearly a month and Maul could feel your stress shedding from you in waves. 

As you entered the room, you resisted the urge to wring your fingers in your hand, but despite your nerves, you missed leading the meetings. You enjoyed knowing about everything that was going on in the syndicate, and you enjoyed getting a say in how it was run. It was a fun job for you.  

That is, it usually was. But for some reason, unknown Maul, today you were trembling.  

Still, even in your fear, you held your head high and began the meeting as normal. 

“What do you plan to do about the Pyke’s incessant demands for increased revenue on a quarterly basis.”  

There was a beat of silence as all waited for your response.

“What do you plan to do? What do you plan to do?” (Y/N) muttered under their breath, “What do you plan to do?”

You paused for a second before speaking,

“The Pykes will face an ultimatum. Settle with a singular 5% increase for this standard year with potential for growth in the coming years, or face no increase for the foreseeable future. It seems to me that their annual profit is quite sufficient as is, but their loyalty is important to this syndicate.” You answered in a confident tone. 

“Only a five percent increase?” The Pyke representative scoffed as he huffed into the room.  

You shuddered, startled by the brash, nearly offended tone the representative held.

But before you could stutter together a drefute, Maul was already speaking.

“You should realize the generosity put forth by this offer,” He warned with an edge to his voice, “I would have offered less. Your loyalty is only important to the survival of this syndicate. Not crucial. There are many others who would gladly take your place. And your tardiness inclines me to speak on behalf of this deal’s overruling.” 

The Pyke representative grumbled at Maul’s reprimand, but agreed to the deal nonetheless. He sat quietly in his seat for the rest of the meeting, knowing better than to challenge you or Maul. 

“Are there anymore concerns you wish to bring to the table?” You ask, and Maul doesn’t fail to notice the way you rub the palm of your hand in fast, worried, repetitive circles with your thumb. Nor does he miss the sharp spikes of fear that shivered their way across the Force.  

That was strange. Especially for you. He knew you. You were never one to fear meetings like this. You’d held so many of them that it was like a routine at this point. You didn’t fear the syndicate leaders, and you knew how to deal with their demands. Then again, you were just getting back from a long leave, and a lot had changed since the last meeting. Maybe that was the cause of your distress. 

“Maul, dear?”  

Your voice pulled Maul from his musings, back to the throne room and the present meeting.

“Yes (Y/N)?”  

“The Black Sun leaders had some questions for you regarding the additional tax on their income.” 

And so Maul delved into discussions with the Black Sun, but in the back of his mind he was still worried about your fear, and why it had reared it’s terrifying head this day.  

~~~~~~

There was an uncomfortable, prickling itch at the back of Maul’s neck the rest of the day. His chest would feel constricted; he would shudder out heaving breaths. And yet, he was fine. He knew he was. It was you that he was feeling. You and the worries that consumed you today.  

He wanted to take the day off. He wanted to be by your side if you needed him, or free to be there even if you wanted space.  

But today was full of meetings, paperwork, and every other responsibility ever imagined for a royal. It seemed that today was jam packed with everything he didn’t want to do, not sparing even five minutes to be with his darling.

It was all too much when, in the middle of a pitch meeting for new city developments, Maul felt a jabbing pain at his temple, and stinging in his eyes. Something had gone wrong. 

“So, if we can, the city would greatly benefit from the addition of --”  

“Senator.” Maul cut them off. The senator stopped, confused and visibly displeased, “Something urgent has come up, and it is necessary that I attend to it. We can continue this discussion at a later date. I’ll send you the details as late as tomorrow morning.” 

Maul stood from his chair and rushed out of the room, leaving a confused and frustrated senator in his wake. 

The stabbing pain returned, searing a grimace on his face as he reached out to feel for you in the Force. 

Oh my love? What’s gone wrong?  

~~~~~~

He found you in the middle of the garden’s greenhouse. He heard your crying first. The anguished wails jabbing right into his heart. Then he saw you huddled on the floor, clutching your ears; your eyes screwed shut  in what he could only imagine to be the intense, stinging pain.

He was by your side, kneeling next to you in a second.  

His eyebrows knit, and he had to keep himself from touching you, realizing the severity of your sensitive state. He had to be careful.

“My darling,” Maul ventured with as gentle a voice as he could, “Love, what is it? How can I help you?”  

It took a second, but you responded with shivering hyperventilations.

“Its...it’s too much....There’s too much sound, too much light. I...I need it to be quiet...I-I need everything to sto-op.”    

There was a flash of panic. This had happened before, yes. Maul knew what to do, but still, there was just the smallest worry that he wouldn’t be able to help you. That no matter what he did, he couldn’t ease your senses’ sensitivity.  

But he couldn’t dwell on that worry right now. He had to take care of you. He figured your room would be the most comfortable place. With the blinds closed, and the room far away from any commotion in the palace, it should be a good spot for you. 

“Is it okay if I pick you up?” Maul asked, “I can get you somewhere dark and quiet, but I need to pick you up.”  

Your eyes cracked open just the littlest bit to see him hovering above you. Your nod was small, but it was enough. Maul scooped you into his arms and carried you to your room as quick as he could.  

The sheets were cool and soft against your skin. A welcome feeling to pull your attention from all the noise. Except now there was no noise. It was quiet, and the room was dark enough that only a shadow of Maul’s outline could be seen. 

He wrapped you in the sheets which offered you their soft, sweet embrace. The darkness was gentle. Plush like a cloud so that could rest, far away from the garden’s garish light. And the quiet....oh the quiet. It was a wave of relief. A wave of peace. You felt weightless in all this silence. Your muscles let go of their tension, and you could breathe again; loose and free. There was only one sound came through minutes later to break the blessed silence.  

“My darling?” His voice was smooth. Gentle, unlike the crickets and chirping birds from the garden. His voice was the only sound you were willing to welcome now.

“Hmm?”  

“Would you like me to stay with you, or would you prefer to be alone?”  

“Alone for now please,” Your voice was a whisper, sounding far too loud within your head than it should, “I’ll come out to finish my duties in a little while; once I’m feeling better.”  

“You needn’t worry about that my dear. You can rest for the remainder of the day if you wish.” He whispered, gently stroking some hair away from your face. 

“Thank you Love.” You left a kiss on the palm of his hand and closed your eyes, slipping into blissful silence once again.

~~~~~~

It wasn’t until later that day that Maul got the chance to talk to you.  

The night was cool. Leftover light peeked over the horizon as the sun fell across the sky.

When you walked into your bedroom that evening, your face was sullen, and he felt that sharp sting of fear ripple in the Force.

Maul stood from the bed, brows furrowed, and came to stand behind you where you stood at the dresser. His hands traveled to your shoulders and started rubbing little circles across your shoulders as he asked the question that had been on his mind all day.

“My darling love, what’s going on? You’ve been so quiet today. Every time you walk by me, there’s a cry in the force. What’s hurting you?”  

His plea was almost desperate. How he wished he could help you, but he didn’t know what was wrong. It was eating away at him horribly.

You stood still for a moment, meeting his eyes. The sincerity there, the care. It brought your dam down. Tears flowed as you pulled away from him, unable to pull your worries from your throat. 

“(Y/N)?”  

Maul’s eyes widened and you could see the second his heart snapped. You pulled away from him. You had never done that before. 

“My dear why do you back away?” He whispered to you with an outstretched hand. His voice trembled as he spoke, “...Have I done something dear?”  

You whipped your head up to look at him. 

“Oh. No. No Maul. It’s not you. It’s just...” You sniffle as Maul lets out a bated breath. It was a slow breath, but he was relieved in some small sense that he wasn’t the cause of your problem.

He watched you intently as you struggled to find words. HIs eyes bore into you. The gold of them burned with concern, and the crease in his brows; the frown on his face. You turned yourself, unable to look at him as the guilt built in your gut. There’s was silence before your voice rang through.

“Do you..do you like being with me?”  

Maul’s eyes widened further, impossibly so before he stepped closer to you.  

“What?” His voice was weak. For once in his life, Maul could say that he was scared, and he wasn’t hiding it well. 

“Well, um, do you like being with me?”You asked again, “I know I’m a lot to handle sometimes, I mean, look at what happened this afternoon!” An annoyed huff left you, “Someone else would probably make your life easier, and I just-“

Maul rushed forward and grappled you into an almost bone-crushing hug. You could feel his nose brushing at your neck as his arms held tight.

“You are never, and could never be too much for me to handle. No one could make my life easier than you. And even if they could, I wouldn’t want it. They wouldn’t be you. No one else could come close to you. There will be hardships, yes, and this afternoon carried such a hardship, but I’ve never loved you less for them, nor will I ever. Darling, where do these thoughts come from? Why do you doubt my love?” Maul pleaded, holding your shoulders tight, his eyes desperately begging for an answer.

‘Its...It’s not...I know you love me.” You breathed, trying to figure out how in the world you were going to explain this, “I”m just worried that....that I...well, my.....my disorder...I was a mess in that meeting, and I was a mess this afternoon, and I know that I’ve been away for a while, but I just...I worry that I’m...that I’m not enough. For the people, for the city...for you.” 

He’s still. Stone-still to the point that you couldn’t tell if he was still breathing. But your quiet sniffles seemed to break him, and his eyes began to fill with tears.

“My darling,” His voice was so sincere, “The city, these people, even the syndicate will never weigh your worth based on your disorder. And neither will I. Ever. I know it’s hard for you. Some days more than most. Even if I don’t share the experience, watching you is enough to know that your hardships take a heavy toll.”  

He paused, watching you. Gaging your response; the widening of your eyes, and the knitting of your brows. When you said nothing, he took it as his cute to continue.  

“My dear, you care so much for others, see the good in others, but you don’t ever seem to see it in yourself. The way you feel for the people around you astounds me. The way you hold their opinions and needs so close to your heart, and try to do for them everything that you can, it’s a completely different perspective. It inspires me. You give this job, this world, this life a meaning. You make me want to try my love. You give me a reason to push past the hardships, and keep trying. And that’s so much more than enough.”  

 A moment of silence.

You felt gutted. You wanted to cry, and squeal, and scream, and sob. Was that...He....? He really means all of that? You’re...you’re enough?” 

“Darling?” Maul’s voice broke through your clouded thoughts; a wave of concern rippling into your ears. 

You don’t think, you just cling to him, holding him as close to you as you can, s sob ripping itself from your throat. 

You can’t stop the sobbs, and the tears, and the aching in your chest that feels like you’re being constricted. Gosh, why is it so hard to breathe?  

“I know my dear. I know. Let it out. Yout deserve to let it out,” He whispered as he stroked your hair and held you tight. “I hope that someday you’ll be able to see yourself the way I see you...the way everyone sees you. Until then, I’ll hold you tight and tell you everything wonderful about yourself until you can believe me. Until you can see the good in yourself.”  

Your sobs died down to a whimper, and you lifted your puffy, watery eyes to look at Maul.  

It took a second before you could speak; lingering whimpers and sniffles stuck in your throat. 

But when you were able to, you spoke with a quiet voice, so full of gratitude and love, and tenderness that Maul was almost thrown back by the ripple created in the force. 

“Thank you Maul. So, so much.” 

“Anytime my dear. Anytime.” He whispered once again, tenderly wiping a tear from your cheek before placing the gentlest of kisses to your forehead.  

You swear you had never felt so loved as you did that night. It was a night that would live with you for the rest of your life.   

~~~~~~~

Tags! 

@justalittlecloud @fanficsforheartandsoul​

[petewentzisblack1312]

Hi… I wanted to ask this on anon so I didn’t ask on your personal, idk if this is too personal or anything to ask but

Do you have a problem with people saying they have a mental disorder if they don’t have a diagnosis? Like for me so… I have been diagnosed with anxiety but I am like 99% sure I have bipolar disorder. And like I know you can’t diagnose me so I’m not going to go into depth with my symptoms but ever since I was like, 11, I used to get very depressed to the point where I contemplated ending it but then i would snap out of it and I think for me my manic phase are hypomanic bc ive never experienced like the full range of those symptoms but my depressive phases get very rough esp if I have external stressors but it will go through what I assume to be these phases like sometimes within the day esp if I have a stressor.

I am in nursing school and I work at a psych hospital so like this isn’t coming out of nowhere, I am very familiar with all mental disorders and it was actually during my psych nursing class and learning about bipolar disorder that I was like… hm… why does this feel like a mirror right now. I am aware I should get to a therapist and get an actual diagnosis (if I had money I would lol) but like idk. Idk if it’s worth going to my doctor at my physical and being like “hey I think I have this” I am lucky enough now that I am in a good place and can manage my symptoms but I am terrified I will go through a stressor again and lose it so idk. I mean I feel like I already know the answer but I wanted to ask anyway to see your take :/

Anyway idk as a future medical professional I think self diagnosis got a bad rep and it’s like idk I think for mental disorders esp you can tell if you have anxiety and it’s a persistent problem. You can tell if you have depression. I know bipolar disorder is harder to diagnose but idk I think since I’m in the field it’s easier? Idk I felt like a sense of relief with learning about it and finding similarities and being like “well maybe that’s why I’m like that”. But idk now I’m feeling uneasy bc I don’t have a diagnosis and I don’t want to be like, stepping over people who were diagnosed. Thank you in advance if you read all this and yeah I’m sorry I know it’s a lot and this is controversial

ok this is a long post so im putting it under a cut but tldr, no i dont have a problem with it. it doesnt matter if you actually have an illness, it matters if you find a solution to your problem. if treating yourself like you have a certain condition makes it easier to go through life, then keep doing what works for you, you are doing nothing wrong. this all goes for physical and mental illnesses.

im a firm proponent of self diagnosis. i wouldnt be here if i didnt have the confidence to research mental illnesses and advocate for myself. as someone who is extremely familiar with the medical profession on account of being the daughter of a doctor and a nurse and spending my childhood running around a hospital, im extremely privileged to even have the knowledge and ability to do so, and i try to bear in mind the understandable hesitancy of people without this advantage. i know that you are well within your right to refuse medication that makes you sick, i know that you can complain about a doctor that isnt listening to you, i know that you are allowed and encouraged to be adamant about things you are told dont matter, and in addition to that, i have a VERY well known doctor and a nurse in my corner, and i am STILL treated as though i do not understand my own experiences enough to have any authority more often than i am not.

the reason self diagnosis gets a bad rep imo is because people have constructed this boogeyman of the worst case scenario, people collecting mental illnesses they dont have for attention as opposed to what it is, people doing research into their experiences and making theories on what they have so they can manage it. youll often see the take of "i dont hate self dxd i just hate people who do it for attention" and i think thats very irresponsible considering a symptom of many mental illnesses is thinking youre faking it and doing it for attention, nevermind the fact that attention seeking behaviour is literally a symptom of many mental illnesses people often dont want to empathize with. gatekeeping whos illness is real just keeps people who need help out. i could go into an anarchist screed about democratizing health, but basically, as someone whos life has been saved by my insistence on self diagnosis, and whos life has been made significantly easier by treating myself as though i have the conditions that i theorize i have, self diagnosis saves lives, and i, as an advocate for disabled people of all kinds on my island, will never put any conditionals on self diagnosis. it doesnt matter if you find the right name for your problem, it matters if you find a solution that works. i have yet to meet any of these fabled people who never try to receive a professional opinion, only people who literally cant.

as for feeling guilty, ill repeat how i opened this answer: it does not matter what exactly your problem is, it matters that you find a solution that works. in medicine generally, there will be a wide spectrum of problems with overlapping treatments, things which are similar but distinct, things which look identical but are completely different and at different levels of concern. it doesnt really matter which grab bag of bullshit your brain is reaching from, it matters that you know how to deal with what it throws at you, whatever that may be. dont worry about getting it right, worry about getting it working. okay?

for advice on how to deal with doctors, its helpful to pose it as a hypothetical as opposed to an absolute. when i bring up things im dealing with that i have a theory about i say "i think i have x" or "i think i might have x" or "i have a lot of symptoms of x". doctors are often egotistical and are easily challenged so it helps to pose it at a problem they can solve as opposed to one youve solved for them otherwise they get spooked. in my experience posing it this way leads them to actually interrogate this line of symptoms, and theyll ask you why you think that, and you can bring up symptoms that led you to that conclusion, and ones that give you trouble especially. for example, ive said "i think i may have autism or adhd? or both" to several doctors, and they either agree with me (i believe its been put in my file as a possibility now although i cant get an official test done due to financial and resource restrictions) or they ask why i think so, and i detail what i believe is due to my autism. its small, but this reframing helps a lot.

i think this covers all you said but my head is empty as hell.

[smallnico]

Hey I was wondering if you could explain executive dysfunction for me?

sorry for the delay! i had to run to class and i wasn’t sure how long this would take me to do.

executive functioning is that part of your brain that’s responsible for task management: prioritizing, organizing, planning, and starting tasks or activities. it’s something that is notoriously faulty in the brains of people with adhd, autism spectrum disorders, fetal alcohol syndrome, and depressive disorders (there are likely more i’m forgetting), and it’s the reason people with those various disorders are often accused of being lazy when they can’t bring themselves to start or work on things.

executive dysfunction is when that part of your brain just doesn’t work quite right. it’s like working in a group project when no one takes on a leading position to manage everyone else – it’s possible to get work done, but it’s horribly disorganized, no one’s sure who’s doing what, and there’s this vague feeling of combination dread/optimism when you remember something that wasn’t done the last time you checked and you think this person may have mentioned they were doing that, you hope, and you’re just gritting your teeth and hoping everything got done on time, and no one’s responding to your emails.

point is, it’s kind of… hell? and it involves a lot of aimlessly scrolling tumblr while one little part of your brain says “hey, didn’t we have homework? we did have homework, we should do that” and then the rest of your brain fails to respond to the email. you end up having to either strongarm yourself into starting or trick yourself into caring/thinking it’s fun, and sometimes that doesn’t even work. it’s a wonky process trying to get yourself to do anything, and especially if you have depression or some other “what is even the point”-type disorder, it can be difficult to work up the spoons to even go about the effort of convincing yourself to do something. NOTE: you should always try to start stuff, but you’re not lazy or apathetic for not being able to.

the other part of executive function that has to do with task management is assigning importance and priority to things, which generally requires more external effort on your part if you suffer executive dysfunction than it would require on the part of someone who does not. if you also suffer working memory deficit, like me, then more effort is also required of you to figure out what is and isn’t worth noting down in class, because you’re working kind of quickly and your brain doesn’t hold onto in-the-moment information for very long and it also doesn’t really understand what is and isn’t important without thinking about it for longer time than you have. also a pain! but allow me to cite another example:

while i still lived at my old house, i kept my phone charger plugged in at my computer tower. i would put it on overnight so it would be fully charged in the morning, easy-peasy. but the computer tower was on my desk across the room, meaning i would have to get out of bed to plug my phone in once i was done using it in bed (as i am wont to do). i would willingly stay up until like 2 am on my phone, and then i would suddenly get tired, and think, “okay, it’s time to sleep now, time to go plug my phone in”. but my brain would be all “noooooo sleep nowwww” – getting up and plugging my phone in would take all of 30 seconds, and i would be able to sleep right after – and i’d be in a position where, despite being able to acknowledge the absurd difference in the scales of sacrifices i would be making to do one or the other (plug my phone in, lose 30 seconds of sleep VS. don’t plug my phone in, phone is at 20% power when i wake up in the morning), i would still struggle with choosing one or the other for longer than anyone reasonably would have to. like i would have to really think about it. and even then, it’s still like a 30% chance i won’t get up and plug in my phone.

it’s like that! except the more tempting that obvious lower priority task looks, the harder the choice becomes. it’s not about resisting temptation, it’s about the brain not being able to weigh the relative importance of two tasks against each other when choosing what to do and then being forced to fall back on other methods of situational analysis to make a decision, such as “which option will make me feel good right now vs. which option will make me feel shitty and stressed right now”. it makes your brain also act weird in the face of due dates, because time isn’t real, there are only two times, “imminent” or “the don’t-worry-about-it zone”. i can have a full month ahead of time to work on a project and i still won’t start it until the middle of the week before because my brain just straight up refuses to process that each passing day means i have one less day to work on the whatever until suddenly i only have 3 days left and i’m stressed because “oh god how did this happen”. i also have no idea how long basic tasks take? it takes about 45 minutes to an hour to do my dishes, but i don’t feel comfortable doing them during the 2 hours of time i have between classes because i’m afraid i’ll go on too long and be late for class. i know that well enough to acknowledge that’s something that happens to me, but my brain’s just kind of a dick when it comes to actually doing anything about it.

i have a few workarounds i’ve developed to live with my weird brain problems!

- the priority ranking system i talked about earlier- doing all of my chores either on weekends (or after class is over, if they really need doing)- marking down the real due dates of things but also the “REAL” due dates of things, a few days in advance of the actual due date so i try and perceive the “get it done by” date as being an earlier day so i have all of the “imminent” pressure but won’t be in huge trouble if i don’t do it all in time (i’ll still have a few extra days)- taking notes for friends in class rather than my own notes (”what would be helpful for ______ to know?” is a much faster and easier in-the-moment information priority grading system than “what sounds interesting?” which is what my brain falls back on in the absence of something better)- coffee sometimes gives me a kick in the ass because it fills me with “do something do something do something” energy and as a result i tend to end up doing something that needs doing because there’s a handy list nearby of “things you can do”- i mentioned “reset tasks” in that other post – these are also good “starting starter” tasks, little unobtrusive low-mental-effort things you can do to just build up the momentum you need to do additional things (e.g. going for a walk, making food, taking a shower, stretching, etc.)- it helps to have clear and specific steps in your brain that you can follow. sometimes “start doing homework” is such a vague instruction it’s difficult to see as something important that you can just Do, whereas “step 1: check priority list, step 2: choose most important task, step 3: consult syllabus/person for expectations, step 4: open doc, step 5: …” and so on and so forth. i do this a lot when i’m having a stubborn brain day, for tasks even as simple as “get out of bed”, because sometimes there’s more to a task than you realize, and it helps to split it up like that.

there are probably neurology sources online that can give you more information on the topic of executive dysfunction than me, since i’m not someone who thinks a lot about it, i just live with it. i hope i could clear some stuff up though!

[autistickitten]

Long post (we added spaces and a readmore)

Hello! I didn’t know if i could submit asks or whatever this is, and i checked and it seems like this is okay! It’s a little long winded, i apologize greatly, my thoughts are just everywhere right now and i needed to get this out, thank you in advance!

When i was younger i had all the stereotypical signs of asd, i rocked, i lined toys up along with everything else in the house, i had meltdowns over seemingly innocuous things, i had sensory issues, i’d cry when i had my teeth brushed, i couldn’t eat certain foods, i cried as though it hurt when i got my nails clipped and i had to have the same cream colored pillow and fluffy white blanket with me to go to sleep.

At one point i needed nemo to be playing on my mom’s laptop, one night i woke up and it wasn’t playing. It wasn’t as though i was gonna watch it but it shook me to the core. I cried and screamed so bad i puked all over myself. My mom says she doesn’t remember that, she was there, i do.

I had similar issues growing up but they became more social. I was bullied. I’d cry. People would make fun of me and i didn’t understand. I was very different. I thought i was stupid but everyone else seemed to disagree as well. I couldn’t understand.

At the age of 7 i was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis, a chronic genetic disorder that at the time was somewhat of a death sentence. My mom was told my life span was 20 years old, it was a miracle i was alive to this point without doctors knowing. I was very sick as a child as well. A common cold meant pneumonia and occasional seizures at some point.

My whole life begun to revolve around my cystic fibrosis. So many things i couldn’t do. That’s not the point though. The point is there was no room for other diagnoses. My mom wasn’t going to look into her suspicions for various reasons, my behavior wasn’t stereotypical enough i suppose, and i was already sick enough. So we focused on that instead. I wasn’t diagnosed and i continued to grow up weird and different.

By 5th grade i was put into homeschooling. This wasn’t because of the asd, but instead because my sister had finally told my mom that our step father and been abusing her ( and me unbeknownst to her yet ) , both sexually, physically, emotionally, etc. for four years since he came into our lives.

The court dates and other things such as having to deal with all the weight of it all got to me, i couldn’t go to public school anymore. I was homeschooled for 4 years. I was so terribly behind. I felt so stupid. Things i knew i should know were mysteries to me. I cried over homework almost every time. I hit myself and broke pencils and ripped paper because i was so stupid. I just didn’t know what went wrong, i was so smart. I just couldn’t understand the things i was being taught.

I’m rambling… i went into public school again before those four years, for 6th grade. I was only there for a few months before i broke down in front of my mom crying. I couldn’t handle it all. I was bullied there too. I know that wasn’t the only reason.

Skip forward and when i was around 11 years old i was talking to my mom and she mentioned the fact that she had suspected i had autism when i was younger. I asked why and she explained all my strange behaviors to me. I asked if she got me tested, she didn’t.

What i’d known of autism then was based on my cousin, whose only reason for being diagnosed i know now, being that she was nonverbal. When i was younger i had heard somewhere and reasoned that she had been dropped on a skateboard as a child and that’s why she was the way she was. This was based on the way other people described her autism near me. They weren’t kind. I thought this was strange, that my mom considered this. I brushed it under the rug. She would later deny to a specialist that she ever suspected it.

A year or more later and i started noticing my weird behavior more. I did research into autism. I may not have mentioned but i’m very good at research. As a child i’d organize alphabetically all the species of big cats and hummingbirds and different kinds of littlest pet shop. I mailed a little to the company even after writing down a list of all the animals they never made yet (a list i made after going over the dictionary so many times) and sent it them.

I did research and found i fit the bill quite perfectly. I even spoke in a monotone voice and overly formally. I had a hard time expressing emotions and my social skills were absolutely terrible. But no one could tell very well because i was very interested in human behavior and i mimicked them well. This would be a downfall later on.

I brought this up to my sister and she said it made sense. I knew shed see it that way. My mom, completely disagreed. I stayed quiet. Didn’t bring it up for quite a while. I went through many psychs. I finally asked one about a possible aspergers or asd diagnosis. She said i’m too high functioning to benefit from it and that she can tell i don’t have it just by looking at me. She said everyone is a little autistic. I stayed quite longer.

I finally asked another one years or so later. She recommended me a specialist. I was so happy. Finally i’d be validated for my struggles. I was worried of how i should act. I figured shed be able to see through my neurotypical mask. I was wrong.

My mom thought it was ridiculous that i had asked for a specialist. She asked if i’m just doing it for fun. I was very worried. I acted different and didn’t share the whole truth with the specialist and my mom definitely lied during the screening. I asked her later about all the things i thought was evidence for a diagnosis. She denied a lot of it. When asked if i ever hurt myself during these “tantrums” she said no. i specified if i ever hit or scratched myself because i vividly remember doing that and even do it today, she said “every kid does that when they have tantrums.” at one point the specialist said that schizophrenia was on the autism spectrum, this took me aback, such old beliefs i couldn’t understand how this was coming from a 20 or 30 some year old.

I still don’t know why she still thinks that. The specialist said she always worried she would pass someone autistic by as neurotypical and that they would go without a diagnosis and without help. She said she didn’t worry about that with me cause i didn’t give off that “vibe.” during the screening my mom mentioned the trauma and it’s like a switch flipped in the specialists brain, all of this was the traumas fault, i just needed to continue my depression and anxiety therapy for a few months and i’d probably be better.

I hate this all. I understand it has an effect but my trauma isn’t the root of all my causes and i hate having my real issues be passed off using that as a reason. The shit i went through doesn’t explain every bit of evidence that was present before the matter, of course she never really addressed that. i was devastated. I hated myself. I thought i’d lost my last chance at a diagnosis and it was all my fault. I went home and had a meltdown.

I questioned myself and all of my research. I talked to my counselor about this and she said i should ask for a reevaluation. I did eventually. I will be having a call with the specialist soon and i’m scared. I’m scared because she is the only specialist in my area and i will sound like i’m shopping for a diagnosis to her. I’m so scared.

I’m sorry this was so long winded, i just needed to get this out here. If possible, could someone give me some advice please? It doesn’t matter what, just any? Thank you so very much. I hope you all have a wonderful day.

This is the Sad Kitty submission. I forgot to put that I am afab and that it doesn’t seem like the specialist had any experience in diagnosing and identifying “female traits” of autism. Sorry to bother

Will the reevaluation be with the same person ? That specialist seems to hold quite a few outdated beliefs, but still, it can’t hurt to try ! Here’s a few suggestions:

We always advise to print out the DSM criteria, which you can find a bit below in our posts, and annotate it with the traits you show, with specific exemples if you can. Writing out a bit about your life can also be helpful. (Or even just printing this ask out would work !) If your mom isn’t cooperative, maybe bring your sister instead ?

And just answer the questions truthfully, without exaggerating or underplaying your traits.

It’s possible that you aren’t autistic, but a person that goes for an autism diagnosis is never neurotypical, so I hope if it’s not autism (or if you have something in addition to autism, like me) the specialist figures out what it is so you can get the proper supports ! :)

Good luck !

- Sister Cat

And if you get an answer you weren’t expecting, whether that’s no diagnosis or a different diagnosis, demand an explanation and demand help! Remember, a psych’s job doesn’t end at diagnosis, it starts there, so no matter what answers you get, make sure they’re doing their job and giving you the help you need.

-Brother Cat

[notyourordinarysuperman]

2018 Year In Review

2018 hasn’t been exactly the kind of year that I expected it to be. I had a lot of great experiences but also had a ton of downfalls that had me almost quitting. To say that I had a tough year is an understatement. This year was the second year of officially being done with college and actually starting to do “adult” things. Not those things, but the things an adult would do to survive. Right now I’m writing this while listening to Spotify’s custom-made playlist “Christmas Pop”, so forgive me for the messy, disorganized thought process happening right in this post. 

Drama aside, 2018 has taught me a lot of lessons that I’d never get anywhere else aside from being at the rock bottom. Sure, the mountain top gave me a view of what’s below, but the real things happen on the other side. Without further ado, here’s my 2018. 

January was a month that I officially started at my new job as a Behavior Therapist. I started working with young children diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), implementing treatment programs tailored for each individual’s needs. At first I was hesitant to take the job, but it was 5 minutes away from the house and it provided an opportunity for me to go full-time. This, in turn would provide me with benefits and more earnings, which I need because I planned to go back to school this year. I started the training process, which seemed easy at first. But the real deal happened when I started face-to-face training with the children. 

February came, and I was focused on working a lot of extra hours from being part-time for a month. I finished my training and passed the preliminary competency tests. I was so happy,  and they immediately scheduled my exam to become an official Registered Behavior Technician. I had a week to review and then I made it. Man, was I so happy. I became fully independent with my kids and starting getting close to 40 hours almost every week. 

March was a rather chill month for work, except that I started doubting if I’ll ever be enough for my significant other. We haven’t spent a lot of quality online time (we were in an LDR since 2016) I felt that my partner was pulling away. I tried to save it but the arguments would always end in a hot mess. I tried giving him the space he needs and he gave me mine. Also, I almost lost my cousin in what seems to be an unexpected elopement into Oregon after an Instagram story stating she doesn’t care anymore. I was so distressed and I couldn’t give my 100% at work all of the time. Thankfully, we were able to take her back, and man, was I so happy. 

April was significant, because this was the month my employers offered me full-time status and benefits. I was doubting myself but I just accepted the offer since this was what I was waiting for, anyway. I started working full 40-hour weeks and oh boy, the adjustment was not what I expected. I took the leap from 25-28 hrs/week to a full 40. I didn’t know how much 12 additional hours of work could do until I did it. 

May was a month I’d always remember because  I thought I could salvage what I had with my partner. We were supposed to be 2 years the following month. And things went along fine for a while. But that’s what I thought. It went downhill from this month on, eventually leading to our break up. At the same time, I got my permission letter from the Board, allowing me to take my examination to become a nurse in the state of California. I had to force myself to review 3 hrs a night after work, even when I was not emotionally prepared. I was determined not to let my depression get in the way of my license. I have waited so long for this. 

June was supposed to be the month of our 2-year anniversary, but unfortunately, we didn’t make it. I still woke up exactly at 12 midnight on the supposed day of our anniversary. We were both online, but we posted separate things on our profiles but probably made it visible only to each other. I was so devastated, and I was crying for 4 hrs straight. We decided that we’d have no form of any contact after this, in  order to start our recovery. It was hard. I tried hard, and I was able not to contact him but almost every night I was crying so much. 

My examination was a week away from it, so I decided to stop reviewing and just take a break and reserve myself for the test. Thank heavens I passed. I officially got my license number a few days after I passed it. 

July was my birthday month. I decided I’d focus myself on work and family for now. I wasn’t emotionally ready for anything anyway, as I am still not okay. But it didn’t feel as significant as I usually would have, because I celebrated my birthday at work. I was with my kids and they greeted me, but I wish I was off on that day. Haha. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job and the kids, but I hope I was not working that day, that’s all.  My family and I celebrated my birthday just with a dinner at a restaurant. I think that’s how adults celebrate it, right? Also, this month was the one I started feeling a little bit of burnout here and there because of long work hours combined with working with different kids almost everyday. It tested my flexibility and knowledge of the basics that I learned from training and how I’d apply it to a kid I haven’t worked with before. Thankfully I survived, and most of them love me now. Haha!

August was the month I was saving up most of my money from work because I decided to go back to school for some further studies. Thankfully my dad said he’d help me and so I enrolled for a program that started the following month. It’s still ongoing, and I hope to finish it with flying colors. I was afraid my employers wouldn’t let me do it, but fortunately, they did. They said it was because of how they value me as an awesome (their words, not mine) employee and they’d rather have me gone for a little bit than forever. 

I was still recovering from my emotions when he decided to visit my house and actually talk to me, after months of not talking. I so badly wanted to get back together, but I told myself not to do it. We talked for a bit but I was holding back my words and my tears the whole time. I tried to be happy for him and pretend that I’m okay with what he was saying. What a way to end my August. 

I started studying in September in Miami, Florida. It was my first time there, and it was so humid and warm at the same time. Luckily, I made some new friends. However, I decided I’d live on my own because it provided me with a sense of privacy and just in case I wouldn’t have any friends while I’m there. I was wrong.

October rolled and although I was friends with almost all of my classmates, I had joined a specific group of people I’d call my home. We had a lot of shared stories almost every night, and we’d always hang out late. I formed a friendship I haven’t had in such a long time, and I thought I didn’t deserve them. But they made me feel like I can be myself around them. 

November was like October, except that there were a lot of instances where I’d feel burnout at work; I had this one kid I’m working with that even though I’ve already had him for 3 months, he showed low to no signs of improvement on the targets my team had. I began to feel frustrated and I’d usually doubt myself if I deserved to be working with this kid.  There were nights when I’d blame myself. 

December went by so fast. I didn’t even feel it until it was done. School was still going on, and me and my classmates had a Christmas Party in Miami. I had a small argument with one of my close friends, one of those I had made in October. I’ve apologized ever since, but we haven’t talked to each other after it happened. 

I know I shouldn’t be feeling hurt anymore, but I did, as I saw my ex got engaged. I know it shouldn’t be a big deal but for me it was. I thought when the right time came, I could win him back. But nope, not anymore. 

One of the best things happened this month though, as I was able to see my older brother in Augusta, Georgia after not seeing him for 6 years. I flew straight from Miami to Augusta and spent 4 days in Georgia. He and his friends took me to Atlanta and showed me all the beautiful places to go visit. They took me out to awesome restaurants and we ate so much food. I flew right back to California on the 24th to celebrate Christmas with my parents, though. Well, also because I had work on the 26th. 

I know for a lot of people, the things I have here are mostly normal “adult” things, but words are not enough to explain the emotions, feelings, and thoughts I had this year. I apologize if you think I wasted your time reading this post of my year in review. I try to do this so I won’t forget significant things that happened to my life every year. 

I must say that even though there were bad things that happened to me this year, I’m glad I survived this year. This year was definitely harder than 2017, and 2016 (which was my best year so far). My patience, faith, and resilience was tested a lot this year. I received a lot of great things and learned a lot of valuable lessons, which I will be carrying this next year. There were things I wish I could turn back, and there were things I wish I could’ve just skipped. But I think the journey is part of the process. I want to think that everything I’m going through right now is supposed to make me a better person than I was yesterday, which is what I strive for everyday. 

I’d like to say sorry for everyone I hurt this year, be it intentionally and unintentionally. I never meant to hurt anyone. Thank you for everyone new I met, thank you for those who stuck with me through thick and thin, thank you for those who came and taught me lessons. 

Cheers to you, my dear reader (if you made it this far), for finishing 2018. I wish you all the best for the following years to come. I know you had a hard year too, one filled with struggles and pain. But guess what? We made it. 

Thank you, 2018. Next!