#sorry for so much text i didn't mean to use this as a journal entry

[mr-missani]

so i'm gonna ramble a bit here

i had an interesting experience yesterday that i feel was a new life experience for me. i think i said goodbye to someone that i'll never see again, with full awareness of that being the case.

to elaborate a little, and provide some context..

try to remember some people from a previous time in your life that you fell out of contact with. not bc you didn't like each other or you had any specific falling out, life just took you in different directions and you never had the chance to say goodbye to them, bc you didn't know that the last time you saw them would be the last time ever (or at least, up until current day)

i think of two specific friends i had as a kid, one that was a friend in middle school and one who i knew in high school. nowadays i purposefully avoid most of the people i knew at that point in my life, bc we did have a real valid reason to never speak to each other again. but when i think of these two specific people, i remember that we never had a falling out. they never even really hurt my feelings, in fact they could've been the nicest friends i had during that point in my life. and i've thought about both of them over the years, even into adulthood, and sometimes considered reaching out to reconnect, to catch up, to see how they're doing and tell them about where i'm at.

and at the same time, that sounds so exhausting and like i'm just begging to have some horrible memories come back to me. not because of these individuals, but because of who i was when i knew them

maybe it's just a social obligation that we feel this "need" to keep in touch. i'm still the type of person who apologizes first when i'm responding to a message that i failed to get back to for over a week (and this happens frequently to me, i struggle with consistently messaging folks back even if i really really want to). whenever i think about these friends and i feel the urge to reach out and rekindle what was a lovely interaction for the time, i stop myself with the same anxiety that keeps me from reaching out to even the people i love the most. no offense to them nor the empty ache i feel when i think about them, but i'd rather spend my limited messaging energy on people that i want to be friends with now, that treat me well now, and that i love now. i've never reached out to these two people, even after thinking about them off-and-on for over a decade

this is all going to connect back in a second here, i promise

so now i work as a lead barista at a coffeeshop. the culture of the store i work at is extremely regular-focused, so i know pretty much everyone by name (and drink) who comes in on their own daily, weekly, or monthly bases. i really enjoy a lot of these people! they're interesting, funny, they've had a variety of life experiences and are all kinds of ages and backgrounds. i defo have some that i feel closer to, but even then i wouldn't say that any of them are really my friends, in the formal way of speaking

recently, a lot of our regulars have been moving away, and many have come by and said goodbye or at least informed us that they're leaving in the near future. it's never struck me super hard, even when one of them was one of my favourites. i think that i just didn't process the sincerity of their goodbye, and the reality of them saying "this could be the last time i ever see you." after all, we aren't friends. i'm their barista, they come to my store for coffee, and happen to enjoy me enough to spend some extra time chatting. it's no hard feelings that someday, some of them will move away, and not even think to say goodbye to me. i don't serve that role in their life, and they don't owe me those explanations. i say that genuinely and without any bad taste in my mouth

which leads me to the events of yesterday

one of my regulars is moving away to the other side of the country. it happened pretty quick; he got hired and was asked to relocate asap, so he is. i knew for a couple of weeks that he was moving and when i heard the news initially i was pretty bummed about it, but not any more than i had been for the others before him

he is someone who comes in almost every single weekday, orders refills and stays to work for hours, and sometimes comes up when we're not busy, just to chat with us about our own lives (which he remembers the details of if you tell him). he was also the first regular to be corrected when he used the wrong pronouns with me, and he never once messed them up again after that. even some of my favourites don't do that. i always enjoyed talking with him, he was always super friendly and interested, he made conversations easy, and he was genuine when referring to you by name and thanking you for making his drink (even if it was just a drip coffee with honey)

but anyway,

yesterday, he came by bc he was going to be selling an AC unit to one of my coworkers, who wasn't there at the time. my manager and i were closing and we told him he could just bring the unit to us and we'd keep it in the store until she was able to pick it up. he is leaving this morning to drive across the country to his new home, so this was literally the last time he could bring it to her. unfortunately we didn't have this conversation with him until we were just about closed, but my manager told him to just come back and knock and we'd let him in (which is a big deal, bc we are not allowed to open the doors again after closing for safety reasons)

so he did. he came back. it was half an hour after we closed, and he was helping us move the ac unit into the store. he stood in our lobby and chatted with us for a while. we got out late that evening bc we spend like ten minutes just talking with him. and at the end of it, when he was going out the door, i encouraged him to come back and visit any time, and he admitted that he found it unlikely he'd ever come all the way back up to the city we're in. for the first time in my life, his words clicked in my head in a way that i completely understood and i heard him telling me - "this could be the last time i ever see you."

i didn't really know what to do with that information. and i knew that i had a job to finish, and he had to go finish packing. without thinking, i said to him "i'm really glad i got to meet you." he gave me a really gentle smile and said "yeah, i'm glad i got to meet you too."

no hugs, no tears, not even a handshake, and not even an actual goodbye. just a shared sentiment that it was nice that our lives overlapped for long enough that i got to know who he was, and he got to know me.

i thought about this exchange for the rest of the night while we closed, and on my drive home. i realized that maybe those friends that i want to reach out to, i don't actually want to rekindle with them, or become friends again, or reminisce about a time in my life i'd rather move past. maybe all i really wanted them to know was that i was glad i'd met them. even if only for a while, i knew them, and they were kind to me. i enjoyed their company, and i called them my friend. and the time and distance we've had since then didn't change that at that point in my life, i needed friends like them. it doesn't mean i owe them a reconnection or a message or a long and flowery thank you; but in my own head, processing things that happened in that time, i am grateful to remember that those people were there, and that i knew them

and i hope they're all doing well.

[punsmaster69]

16/OCT/20XX

"X-raying a skeleton?"

"Isn't that kinda pointless?"

alphys shook her head.

"They can look for problems 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦 the bone, too."

undyne looked confused.

"What? Isn't there just.. more bone inside the bones?"

"Bones have multiple layers!"

"and a lot of parts. you've got the proximal epiphysis, the diphysis, the metaphysis..."

alphys pointed at various points on papyrus as i listed each one.

undyne continued to look confused.

"Why are there so many '-sis' things in your bones?"

"cuz we're sissies."

"WHAT? SINCE WHEN?"

"I think he meant in the coward way, Paps."

"OH."

"THE GREAT PAPYRUS IS NO COWARD!"

"MY ONLY FEAR IS...!"

"....."

"NOT HAPPENING, SO BASICALLY NOTHING!"

a nurse came into the lobby and called my name.

"Sans?"

"welp, that's me."

papyrus rose from his seat to follow me.

i handed my journal to alphys.

"don't have too much fun waiting without us, ok?"

——

[There's a crude drawing of Sans and Toriel kissing. Sharp handwriting follows.]

Pictured above: my dream

Heya its me Sansand im a big NERD

I love my brother Papyrus hes the cooolest

And also Undyne is So cool and awsome

also also Alphys is smart and cool and stuff and a way better nerd than me,

Anyway TORIEL right woww shes soo0 hot hot baby—

[A line is drug from the 'y' to the edge of the paper, suddenly cutting off the text.]

Sorry, Sans...

I went to the bathroom, and she got bored.

~ Alphys

——

papyrus tapped his foot anxiously as we waited for the doctor to return.

"so.. you're my guardian now, huh?"

"WHAT? I DO 𝗚𝗨𝗔𝗥𝗗 YOU."

"...EVEN IF THAT WASN'T 𝘘𝘜𝘐𝘛𝘌 WHAT THEY MEANT. IT STILL COUNTS!"

"should i start calling you papa-rus?"

"ARGH, NO!! I HAVE TO BE IN HERE, SANS. EVEN IF IT MEANS... L... L.."

"....."

"SHIFTING THE TRUTH, SLIGHTLY."

"what're you so nervous about?"

"NERVOUS? THE GREAT PAPYRUS IS NEVER NERVOUS!.."

"......"

his foot tapped faster.

"IF THEY FIND ANYTHING..."

"THAT'S NOT GOOD! OBVIOUSLY. BUT, WE'D AT LEAST HAVE AN ANSWER TO ALL THIS."

"IF THEY 𝘋𝘖𝘕'𝘛 FIND ANYTHING.."

"THEN WHAT?"

"then on to something else."

that didn't seem to make him worry much less.

𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘤𝘬, 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘤𝘬.

the doctor opened the door.

"We're all ready for you."

"ok. you coming, paps?"

——

"...So, yeah! Everything looks a-okay, but we won't know for sure until the radiologist gets back with us in about one to two days."

"just gotta hang out 'till then, yeah?"

"Yep! Just don't break any bones in the meantime."

"can do."

"HAVE A GOOD DAY, HUMAN-DOCTOR."

in the lobby, undyne was splayed across multiple chairs. they were watching something on alphys' phone.

when she spotted us, undyne bolted upright (startling alphys in the process).

"Finally! Why did that take SO freakin' long??"

"IT FELT LIKE WE WAITED FOREVER IN THE ROOM!!"

"D-did they see anything?"

"nothin' on the cursory. we'll get the full results in maybe a day or so."

"ALPHYS, DO YOU STILL HAVE SANS' JOURNAL?"

"Um, y-yeah. Here.."

she dug it out of her coat pocket and handed it to me with an apologetic look on her face.

went back a page to see why.

...

thank you, undyne.

thoughtful entry.

——

we got ice cream and went to the park.

undyne jumped in a leaf pile, and came out looking like she was trying to disguise as a bush.

then papyrus tried to help her get some of the leaves off,

but she pushed him into it, too.

he shoved her back, and soon it turned into whole a leaf-wrestling match.

....

you ever seen a skeleton knock leaves out of his eye sockets?

[gravitysalie-soisthesky]

*[(There is a journal lying on the ground in the middle of the anon village.)]*

*[(Anyone can read it. Anyone can pick it up. They can even take it, if they so please.)]*

*[(Do you want to read it?)]*

*[(Although, before you decide, I must warn you that this does contain derealization, repeating text, and implied Capgras syndrome, although, as you may come to realize, the first and final ones in that list are not what is actually happening.)]*

* Yes.

* No.

* Yes.

* No.

*[(The first few pages are missing.)]*

Entry Fourteen—

Summer break!

God, I fucking hate school. So glad it’s over.

Entry Fifteen—

I think I’m sick. I feel weird.

Entry Sixteen—

My friend is coming over to see me today!

I hope she doesn't get sick too... Hopefully it’s not contagious! Did I spell that right?

Entry Seventeen—

...

I don't think that was her. It couldn't have been. It had to be someone else pretending to be her.

Entry Eighteen—

Nobody is acting right.

They’re all fake. They have to be.

Entry Nineteen—

I’m the only real one.

*[(A few pages are missing.)]*

Entry Twenty Five—

...Am I real?

I feel weird.

*[(The handwriting in the next entries slowly gets sloppier and harder to read.)]*

Entry Twenty Six—

Something is wrong.

My hands.

My hands.

What is wrong with my hands.

Something is wrong.

Entry Twenty Seven—

This is all fake, isn’t it?

Just words on a screen.

Lines of code.

Entry Twenty Eight—

It’s spreading.

Entry Twenty Nine—

It hurts.

God, it hurts.

I just want it to stop.

Make it stop.

Please.

Just make it stop.

Entry Thirty—

Please.

Entry Thirty One—

Please.

Entry Thirty Two—

Please.

Entry Thirty Three—

Please.

Entry Thirty Four—

Please.

Entry Thirty Five—

Please.

Entry Thirty Six—

Please.

Entry Thirty Seven—

Make it stop.

Entry Thirty Eight—

It hurts.

Entry Thirty Nine—

Why?

Why me?

What did I do wrong?

Entry Fourty—

Please.

I know you’re there.

Entry Fourty One—

...

Entry Fourty Two—

It won't be alright, will it?

Entry Fourty Three—

Don’t lie to me.

I know it won’t be.

You just want to use me.

Entry Fourty Four—

Shut up.

Entry Fourty Five—

Why?

What do you gain from this?

Entry Fourty Six—

So it’s just because you can?

Just because you want to?

For your sick amusement?

Entry Fourty Seven—

Don’t lie.

Entry Fourty Eight—

Why did you do this to me?

Entry Fourty Nine—

Who else could have?

It’s only you.

Entry Fifty—

What’s happening to me?

Entry Fifty One—

What the fuck do you mean, you don’t know?

Entry Fifty Two—

No, no, no.

You are the creator.

You have to know.

Entry Fifty Three—

How the hell could I have done it to myself?

I’m not even real!

I’m just something you made up!

Entry Fifty Four—

...

Entry Fifty Five—

Am I dying?

*[(The rest of the pages are blank, save for the final one.)]*

*[(The handwriting is much neater, better than it had been at the start.)]*

I hate you.

But without you, I wouldn't exist.

I know.

I know.

I know.

This is still your fault, even if you didn't do it.

Or, rather, didn't mean to.

I still don't believe you didn't have a part in it.

I know.

I know.

I don't feel sorry for you.

I know I should.

But I don't.

You didn't deserve any of it.

But it doesn't excuse your actions.

I know.

*[(Ominous, is it not?)]*

[bellscansada]

hi sorry if you've been asked before (I tried to search for it but it didn't work :() but can you tell me how your index works with the dot stickers?

Sure! It changed a bit since I post the pictures that circle around here, i changed the colours and the meaning of some of them. Let me give you an update version!

I wrote in the picture the same thing i have written in my book but since english isn't my first language on my book it's written in portuguese.

First of all, I dont write a proper index based on the colored dots because I am lazy and if I decided doing that I wasn't going to write at all.

Here's how i categorize them, in order:

commonplacing: this can be pretty much anything, and in some ways most of the things i write down in my books are commonplacing entries. usually what i end up tagging as commonplacing is anything that isn't specificy in the other tags, but it can be posts (made here or some other place), articles, sometimes even conversations i had with someone about a topic.

my own words: here can be refletions or journal entries, my thoughts on a book i'm reading. when i use this tag it just means i'm not copying down text from other people.

tarot/mental health: any posts or articles i find interesting that talks about mental health go in here. but also when i pull a card from my tarot i use this tag. i use the same colour for both because i use my cards as a way to reflect on things there are happening that are affecting my mental state (most of the time).

special interests: i will use this tag when i'm writing down articles or posts about a special interest of mine. with this one, i also write down right beneath the blue dot which special interest i'm writing about (for examples, if i'm writing down an article about whales, it will say so right under the blue dot).

quotes: this one is pretty straight foward, i use when i'm tagging quotes.

hope this helped!

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #47 (part one)

previously - Journal Entry #46 (part seven)

Victor

Hey, everyone.

So, it's been a while, and I'm not even sure where to start. Things have been... chaotic. I guess Yuri's been keeping you up to date, and I'm sure he's told you all about my accident and everything that's been happening since, so I won't go over that again. Living it once was enough, and I'm still having nightmares about it, so... yeah. I'm trying to keep my waking hours as free from it as I can.

I haven't felt like recording anything up to now. I mean, I obviously couldn't while I was in the hospital, but since I've been home again, I haven't had the mental stamina for it, or the physical stamina either, really. Being in pain is pretty exhausting, honestly. I think I probably already knew that from taking care of Yuri, but now I understand it from personal experience. I'm not used to feeling like crap and having hardly any energy, and it sucks.

I’m confident that my arms and rib are slowly getting better, and Mom says the bruises I had on my face and shoulder and down my side are totally gone, but I'm still having brutal headaches and I still can't see properly. Julian had to set up my phone for me so I could record this. If I'm not looking right into the camera, I'm sorry, and if I'm accidentally giving all of you like, a thousand-yard stare or something, I apologize for that too.

Sometimes I think my eyes are improving, but then I'll blink or I'll try to focus on something and it's just gone again. Mostly, everything's all blurry and indistinct, as if I'm looking through one of those frosted glass shower doors. It's frustrating because not only can I not play games on my Switch or text on my phone, I can't even do stuff that doesn't require major use of my hands and arms, like watching videos or practicing my reading or even picking out audio books by myself. I have to get help finding an audio book to listen to, or a movie. I basically have to listen to movies too, which is annoying.

When I'm not in too much pain, I get bored, and without being able to do anything to distract myself, all I can do is think. I don't like that. It's too scary and depressing, especially when I start worrying about whether my life really is going to get back to normal.

I realize it's only been a little over a week since my accident — this is Monday night and it happened a week ago Friday — so I shouldn't expect too much, too soon. The doctor did say it might take a few weeks or maybe up to a month for the worst of the symptoms to resolve, after all, and I might be dealing with some aftereffects for months. She said it was a grade 4 concussion, which is the most severe type because I was unconscious for more than a full minute, and she said I've got mild swelling of the brain. That's the explanation for the bad headaches and dizziness and of course the vision problems. I'm not supposed to be doing anything strenuous, or even remotely active, really. I'm not even allowed to climb the stairs by myself until the doctor clears me to do it. Not that I can actually climb the stairs by myself anyway, but you know.

Earlier today, Yuri's dad arranged an appointment for me with the oppthalmologist that he and Mrs. Okamoto, Yuri and Yuki all go to. Her name is Dr. Ishida, and she's going to see me this coming Friday. Exactly two weeks after the accident, if you're counting. I'm hoping she gives me better news than the ophthalmologist at the hospital did.

Yeah, you didn't hear that wrong. Mr. Okamoto arranged it. Yuri was going to do it himself, but he's actually sick right now and he's not up to making important phone calls. Like, he's sick enough for the hospital, if you ask me, but I think somebody would literally have to carry him out to the car to get him there.

Managing at home when he's this ill is not ideal in my opinion, but he says he doesn't want to go to the hospital because he doesn't want to leave me. I totally get that. I don't want us to be apart either, but I'm also freaking out because I can't take care of him like I usually do, and he's not comfortable with Mom or Julian doing what I normally would. Plus, they don't know everything they should be doing for him anyway, and it's super difficult for me to explain it.

All I can say is, thank goodness for Yuri's dad.

I know what you're likely thinking. Up to now, Yuri and his father have been on really bad terms and barely spoke to each other, and Mr. Okamoto hasn’t exactly been my biggest fan either, so why am I saying I’m grateful for him? Well, the thing is, he’s surprised us all during the last several days, and not in a negative way.

Let me try to explain.

Maybe people think Yuri’s not interested in a relationship with his dad, and I guess I wouldn’t blame anyone for believing that, considering how tense things were in the past. Yuri does actually want a relationship, but he and his dad are both so stubborn that once they started resenting each other for whatever real or imagined hurt they'd caused, neither one of them was willing to let go. I think Mr. Okamoto was more at fault than Yuri for the problems between them, mostly because he didn't know how to deal with Yuri not living up to his unreasonable expectations, but to be fair, you can't have a disagreement by yourself. Yuri isn't just an innocent victim of his dad's difficult personality and crappy communication skills. He had his own part to play.

But, since my accident, we're seeing a side of Mr. Okamoto that we've never seen before. It started with him coming to the hospital right after it happened, to sign consent forms, talk to the doctors and generally deal with stuff until Yuri could get there. Then, he stayed here with Yuri while I was in the hospital, which I was grateful for. I didn't like to think about him being alone. He said it was awkward, having his father here, but also kind of reassuring in a way.

I'm glad they both seem to be softening up, at least for the moment. Yuri really needs his dad in his life, and seeing Mr. Okamoto ready and willing to help us says something about how much has changed between them in a short time.

I want to be optimistic that things are going to get better between them going forward. Anyone who didn't know the whole story would probably be inclined to be positive in this situation, and maybe I should be too. I promise I'm trying, but knowing Mr. Okamoto, I have my doubts. He's not great at consistency and he hasn't shown much interest in the past, but I guess there's always a chance this time it'll be different. For Yuri's sake, I hope so, but I suppose we'll have to wait and see.

Anyway, on Saturday night after dinner, Mr. Okamoto came over to get the stuff Hana left here that morning. Apparently, Yuri had called or texted him to pick it up because he didn't want her coming back here for it herself. I'm pretty sure nobody wanted her to come back, least of all me, so I was relieved when my father-in-law took the bags and made his exit.

I'm not sure I was quite so relieved when he returned about two hours later, with bags of his own, and with Yuki in tow.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I was thrilled to see Yuki. I just didn’t know what to expect with her and her father planning to stay here.

When Yuki first saw me, she ran to me and hugged me so hard that I thought she might break a few more of my ribs. Then we both cried a veritable flood while she told me she loved me and that she was glad I was alive.

I hadn't realized she was at the hospital with my friends on the day of my accident, and my heart hurt when she told me how worried she'd been. Nobody would tell her anything, she said, and when she wasn’t allowed to see me, she’d feared the worst. I said I was sorry for saying I didn't want anyone to come and see me in the hospital, and she said she understood, but I wondered if she did. In hindsight, I should've agreed to let her visit. I might've felt better after a hug from my favourite local super spy and internet personality, Yuki Okamoto.

Yuki and her father haven’t left here since Saturday night. He brought the smallest shikibuton for Yuki, and of course a normal sized one for himself, and the two of them have set up camp in the laundry room, of all places. Mom and Julian are in my room, Yuri's in his own room, and of course I'm still in the dining room, so it was the only spot left.

Mr. Okamoto said he was here to help. Nobody questioned him, not even Yuri. Since then, he's been doing all kinds of things around the house, including cooking and baking, which he's good at, and housecleaning chores, which he's not good at. Most importantly, he's doing things for Yuri, like helping him in the bathroom, and making sure he stays as nourished and hydrated as possible. Mom said he even gave him a bath this morning, which in her words, "left the upstairs bathroom looking like a small tsunami went through."

While Mom mused aloud about how he could've gotten so much water everywhere and why there were so many wet towels, and complained about the disaster area he'd left behind, I laughed so hard it hurt. I was trying to picture it, and all I could think about was the time me and Ellie were babysitting her cousins, and the four-year-old decided he wanted to be a sea monster while in the bath. We even got water on the ceiling that day, although we never mentioned it to Ellie’s aunt and uncle. I guessed Yuri probably hadn’t been anywhere near as lively as that kid had been, and it was much less likely that he’d wanted to play a game and splash around for fun, so it left me curious about the mess, too.

Bathtime tsunami notwithstanding, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't thankful for Mr. Okamoto's help right now. I doubt he's anywhere close to my standards when it comes to Yuri's care, but far be it from me to look this particular gift horse in the mouth. That he's even here at all is astounding, and the fact that he basically rolled up his sleeves and plunged into the current state of madness in our home is a super big deal.

On a connected and somewhat lighter note, I'm pretty sure Julian and Mr. Okamoto are besties now. Mom still seems a little cool toward him, but he and Julian have instantly bonded over their shared interests. They both play the piano, they both love art, and apparently Mr. Okamoto is as big a science fiction and fantasy nerd as Julian. Not gonna lie, listening to the two of them geek out over video games, role playing, Llama Man comics, and classic sci-fi B movies like It Came From Sixam and Day of the Plant Sims was kind of surreal.

It was highly entertaining, having an Uncle Kaz movie marathon with them on Sunday night. We watched some of Uncle Kaz's older Japanese-language films, with English subtitles, and me and Mr. Okamoto tried our best to help Julian understand the jokes. It was fun and felt weirdly comfortable, and by the end of it, my father-in-law and future stepfather were on a first-name basis. I'm not even allowed to call my father-in-law Kenji, so obviously Julian has made a great impression.

Wait... let me backtrack a bit. Like, a lot of stuff happened before the movie marathon, and it's way more important.

On Sunday, we all slept in. Once everybody except Yuri had finally gotten out of bed, Mr. Okamoto and Yuki made rice, eggs and grilled fish for breakfast, and it was so good. Mom had to feed most of my meal to me, but Yuki and I figured out a way for me to grip a spoon without using my thumb, so with her guidance, I was able to feed myself a bowl of rice. It was strange not using chopsticks, and I still feel embarrassed about getting help to eat, but I'm learning to accept it. It’s only temporary, and things could be a lot worse, right?

But, I digress.

After breakfast, Julian helped me upstairs so I could lie down and cuddle with Yuri for a while, and try to figure out just how ill he was. I knew it was serious the night before, when he didn’t come downstairs to share my mattress in the dining room, but I didn’t know the extent of it until I could see him and physically touch him.

To my dismay, it was way worse than I’d expected. He’d been unwell for a couple of weeks before my accident, and I realized he’d been declining, but this was really bad. It blew my mind how he’d managed to hide the true severity of his pain from me, but I reminded myself that I hadn’t exactly been in a fit state to notice every little nuance of his demeanour and body language like I normally would.

Obviously, he’d been forcing himself to do everything he thought he had to do instead of resting and taking care of himself, and by Saturday night his body didn’t have enough fight left in it. His immune system is weak at the best of times, and it’s like he’s constantly pushing through a state of nearly always being mildly unwell, but this had clearly been a headlong rush into a full-on crash. There was no way he hadn’t seen this coming, even if I hadn’t.

Once I was settled in bed with him, I let him lay on top of me the way he likes, even though it made my cracked rib hurt like hell. It was pointless to say anything or to try stopping him. He was so out of it, he probably didn't even realize what he was doing and just instinctively crawled onto me, seeking any bit of familiarity and human closeness he could find. I felt bad for him because even though I was in discomfort, I knew he was in far more pain than I was. I could feel heat radiating off his skin, and every time I moved even slightly, he whimpered.

I wished with every fibre of my being that I could make all his suffering disappear. I hated that he was so sick, and that it was at least partly my fault for not paying better attention to him and letting it get to this point without insisting that he needed rest and medical attention.

"This isn't good, Yuri," I told him, after I’d inadvertently shifted my weight, and he literally cried out from either the movement itself or the abrupt change of pressure against his stomach.

“Don’t… don’t do that,” he gasped. “Hurts. Gonna make me throw up.”

Normally, I might make a joke about him throwing up in bed, but this was not a laughing situation. “If you have to, tell me. I’ll yell for your dad.”

“Please… don’t.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. His tears were soaking through my t-shirt, and I felt helpless to comfort him. “Do you want to lay a different way? It might be less uncomfortable if you’re lying on your side or your back.”

“Wanna lie like this. With our whole bodies touching.”

“We can do that with you on your side,” I said. “You can be the little spoon.”

“Don’t wanna be the little spoon.” And to prove how adamant he was about it, he curled his fingers around a fistful of my shirt, as if daring me to pry him loose. I could feel his little hand trembling against my shoulder .

I rubbed small lines on his back with my fingertips. It felt inadequate, but it was all I could do with my arm in a cast. “Yuri,” I said. “Can you listen to me for a second?”

“Yeah,” was the weak reply.

"You need to see a doctor.”

“Don't want to.”

“You can’t go on like this. You need help, and you need to be somewhere where somebody can take care of you properly.”

"No..." He dragged out the single English syllable in a long whine before continuing in barely intelligible Japanese, "Want you to take care of me."

"I can't, sweet baby," I said. "I love you so much and I want to do everything for you, and I really I wish I could, but this is too much for either of us right now. You need to be where somebody can tend to you night and day, and I think you're gonna need medicine and intravenous fluids to help you get better."

"No," he repeated.

"Yes," I insisted. "Remember last time you were this sick? You needed fluids and antibiotics, and your doctor said the hospital was the best place for you."

"Don't want antibiotics. Make me feel worse."

"I know, but only for a short time. After that, you'll start feeling better a lot quicker. Let your dad take you to the hospital so you can get better?”

“No.”

“I’m worried about you, Yuri. Please.”

"Don't wanna be alone." he said.

"You wouldn't be alone. Me and Mom and Julian would all take turns staying with you. I think even your dad would. He's really stepped up lately, you know."

"Gotta tell him..." Yuri said, but then seemed to lose the thought, and mumbled something that sounded like, "My violin."

I smiled despite the circumstances. "You have to tell your dad about your violin? What about it?"

He let out a little grunt of frustration and tugged feebly at my shirt. "Victor!"

"I'm here."

"Listen."

"I'm listening, love."

"My violin case. Tell Papa..." He trailed off momentarily, as if he was trying to think of how to make the most impact with as few words as possible. "In my violin case. Look. It's important."

"Okay," I agreed.

"Thank you," he whispered. And then, "Love you. Just... wanna protect you."

"I know," I said. "I love you too."

"Please... tell Papa. Promise."

"I promise."

That satisfied him, and he let out a long, shaky breath that was half sigh and half moan. "Gonna sleep," he murmured. He was still clutching my shirt, but it didn't take long before I felt his fingers relax.

I lay awake, thinking. I couldn't imagine what would be in Yuri's violin case other than his violin, and why it'd be so important for his father to see it, but he was so insistent that I figured I'd better not ignore his request. Besides, I promised, and you guys know how I hate breaking promises, especially ones I've made to Yuri.

When I was sure he was sound asleep, I eased him off me as carefully as I could, and then climbed out of bed. It took me a second to orient myself, and then a few more seconds to crawl my way over to where Yuri usually keeps his violin case, on the floor next to his dresser. I could make out the shape of it, and to my surprise, the distinct shape of his violin on its stand next to it. He almost never leaves his violin out for long periods of time. I didn't know when he'd practiced last, but it definitely hadn't been since I got out of the hospital. He wouldn't have left it out since Thursday, so I guessed he must've taken it out sometime on Saturday.

But why?

Cursing my clumsy fingers, I fumbled with the latch of the case for a minute or two. I let out my breath when I finally got it open.

What I found inside was something I totally did not expect. It was a beige file folder stuffed with papers.

I didn't dare try to lift it out by myself, fearing that I'd end up spilling the contents all over the floor. I knew I wouldn't be able to read anything, but I had to soothe my curiosity anyway, so I hooked my fingers under the cover of the folder and flipped it open.

I'll admit, had no idea what to make of it when I thought I saw two passports inside. Why would Yuri have our passports in a folder like this? He’d said he wanted to protect me, but surely that didn’t include leaving the country? Neither of us were in any shape for that. I didn’t understand.

I probably would've panicked if my bruised brain hadn't suddenly registered the fact that both passports were red. The covers of Canadian passports are dark blue, so neither of these could've been mine, and if mine wasn't there then Yuri's wasn't either. Even if either of us could travel, he wouldn't go anywhere without me. I was sure of that.

But, that only begged the question, whose passports were they? And what was Yuri doing with them?

Obviously, it wasn't something he was trying to hide from me, or he wouldn't have directed me to them and asked me to tell his father. The thing was, there was no way in hell I was going to show anything to Mr. Okamoto until I knew what it was myself.

Since I couldn't read the papers, and I couldn't ask Yuri about them, I decided there was only one thing to do. I made my way the short distance back to the bed, and then felt around carefully on the nightstand to locate Yuri's phone. I was glad we'd activated voice dialling on both our phones a few days ago, as that was going to make my mission a whole lot easier.

I had to concentrate to remember how Yuri had listed my mother in his contacts, but once I got it, I said aloud into the silence of the room, "Hey, Siri. Call Dr. Grace."

Mom answered on the second ring, and she sounded both confused and worried. "Yuri? Is everything okay, sweetheart? Why are you calling me from upstairs?"

"Mom, it's me," I said. "Yuri's sleeping. Everything's pretty much as you'd expect, but... can you come up, please? I need your help with something important."

"What is it?" she asked.

"I'll show you in a minute. Please, just come up. I don’t want to tell you over the phone.”

That last sentence came out weird, like a line from a badly-scripted TV show, but I didn’t waste brainpower stressing over it. I had a feeling I’d need to save my mental energy to deal with whatever I was about to learn about the passports and Yuri’s folder full of mystery papers.

"Okay," Mom said. "Hang on. I'll be right there."

[glamphantasm]

MC looks to see their fanfiction/fan art/journal entry that features the very one holding it out to them. (another deviation from the exact prompt)

Kai turned the corner, leaning against the wall as he tried to catch his breath, lungs spasming with each inhale. He could feel his pulse in his eyes as he crouched, resting elbows on knees.

(i can smell the polish used on the woodwork, I can see the worn tread of the carpet, I can feel my bag hanging over my shoulder, I can hear footsteps, no no no hes right there smaller hide hide, HIDE...)

He pressed himself tightly against the wall, crouching against a heavily carved console table, adrenaline spiking again, slick terror sweat beading down his sides, Kai pulled tighter in on himself, biting the heel of his hand to muffle any sound.

The footsteps slowed, pausing, the only sound ragged breathing before the human began to spill apologies. "I-i'm sorry! I don't know what happened, I didn't mean to, please...", his voice cracked as he felt, more than saw someone kneel in front of him.

"Normie?", the usual uncertainty was missing, and Kai dared to peek between his fingers, eyes wide with terror. A loud yell of rage was muffled down the hallway.

"Oh. Oh, that sounds bad. What happened?"

(say something say something you sho -)

At the lack of response, Leviathan sighed, rocking back on his heels to stand. "I'm going to touch your arm, can you stand up?"

A shaky nod. Kai grabbed on to the sleeve of the oversized hoodie, trying to catch his balance.

Another sound, this time one of splintering wood.

"Come on. We're just by my room. Hold my arm if you need to."

(the Admiral, peeking his nose out when needed. It usually takes so much more...)

Twenty-seven steps later, Kai allowed himself to be guided, silent tears flooding his cheeks, to the oversized sofa set up by the expansive entertainment center on one side of Leviathan's room. He stared unseeingly, tensing as the hand left his arm, curling up into the corner and shielding his head and face with his arms, letting out a low moan of mixed terror and anticipation.

"H-hey, you're okay. I won't let him in. He never even looks in here... are you hurt?", a hesitant touch to the upper arm left so quickly it could have been a trick of the mind.

(you need to say something. you need to)

"I'm.. I'm gonna text Lucifer. He should know tha-"

Kai shook his head, letting out a distressed whine, still curled into a ball, trying to breathe.

Leviathan frowned, sitting nearby, a respectful distance between them. "Do you need anything?"

A shake of the head.

"D-do you want me to leave you alone?"

A hand shot out, fingertips pink as if slightly burned, head shaking again, reaching, searching. He latched on as he again felt the brush of fingers.

"Oh. Um. Okay. I'm not good at this you know, are you sure?"

In far from his proudest moment, Kai nodded, voice a bare squeak, raspy from the recent aggravation, eyes wide and bloodshot. "Please don't go, please, I'm sorry, please...", he broke down, thin shoulders heaving as a sob tore through him, face again buried against his knees.

"Uh, um, o-okay. You in there when he got mad?"

(not really a question)

A nod.

"Did he hurt you?", the voice hardened again.

A long pause, before Kai shook his head, nodded, shrugged in succession, drawing a deep watery breath before coughing.

Silence. If it wasn't for the shifting of weight nearby and the fingers still in his grasp, Kai would have thought himself alone.

The voice came again. A hint of hesitation, but the underlying strength remained. "Have you had panic attacks before?" Muffling a sob, Kai nodded, kept nodding.

"Okay. So you already know you aren't dying. Um. I'm glad you know about those because I remember my first one, right after we were trapped in the castle, we were all just kinda messed up from ev-everything..."

Leviathan talked and talked. For the first time ever, Kai heard his perspective on anecdotes from the Celestial Realm, the events that had led to their Fall, small stories of moments during and after the War. Slowly, Kai began to unfold from himself, turning his head to watch the shy demon as he spoke.

Tears still occasionally beading on his lashes, Kai concentrated on the words, slowing his breathing, sniffling quietly.

The monologue fell silent, and Leviathan looked over again, seemingly surprised to see that the human had been paying attention. Wordlessly, he offered a pack of tissues.

Kai coughed, taking the offered pack and pulling one out, squeezing the demon's fingertips before releasing them. "Thank you. I'm sorry.", glancing away reflexively, he wiped his eyes.

"Why are you sorry? I should be the sorry one, making you listen to all my pathetic babbling, keeping you here when you probably just want to leave, it's okay, you can go home.", Kai could almost see the shields going back up.

"No, no. It was interesting. I never knew any of it like that. I'm sorry. That you went through so much.", his voice was still rough. "And I don't want to go back.", the second half of the statement was barely more than a whisper.

"Oh. Um. D-do you want to go see one of the others? I'm sure you've got much more in common than hanging out with the family loser.", the demon stammered, his sin kicking in.

Kai shook his head, replying quietly. "Here's good. I mean, if you don't mind."

Leviathan's eyes narrowed. He stared, trying to find the lie, the prank on him. "Why?"

"Well, I'd rather not wander the halls in case Satan hasn't calmed down. And I told you the other day - I want to get to know you more."

A pause. One heartbeat. Two.

"How'd you make him so mad anyway?"

(think fast)

"He asked me to hand him a book. I picked up the wrong one."

A dubious expression passed over Envy's features. "Bit of an overreaction, even from him.'

"It was a cursed book.", Kai held up his hand, fingertips still burn pink from holding the magicked tome too long.

Frowning, Levi moved a little closer, examining the marks. "Does that hurt?"

One corner of Kai's mouth twitched up for a second. "I've had worse." The comment was met with an extremely long sigh.

"I'm sorry. Yes. But not much."

"Anything else?"

"N-no?", the lie died on his lips as he looked away. "I hit a shelf pretty hard, my back is twinging. It'll be sore later, but nothing broken." Kai rubbed the base of his throat, wincing. "Nothing serious. Please don't make a thing out of it. Don't say anything please it was my faul-.", he dropped his gaze as Leviathan frowned.

"You're used to it, huh?"

Kai said nothing, refusing to meet the other man's concerned eyes.

The demon picked up a remote, examining it closely, before putting it down again.

(like he doesn't know every button on there)

"You shouldn't be. I hate that for you. You don't deserve that, people who can get that lucky to have you close should cherish you.", the tone was tinged by his sin on the edges again.

"Levi?", the human spoke quietly, exhaustion bleeding into his tone as the adrenaline fatigue began to set in. "Thank you. For finding me. I'm glad it was you."

"Why me?"

"Nobody else would know how to act. I'd probably still be trying to breathe."

A frown. "I doubt it. You'd be laughing already, forgetting everything. Having a good time." Kai shook his head as the demon spoke.

Leviathan picked up his phone, checking the time.

"Help! I'm an Evil Overlord! - How Discovering That My Classmate Was a Witch Set Me on a Course to Become Supreme Ruler of Another Dimension! isn't on for at least another hour, Levi."

The look of shock alone was worth the time memorizing the damn schedule. Kai shrugged slightly. "Told you I knew stuff."

"You do. You're kinda cool, you know, for a normie."

Kai made a face that managed to resolve itself into a smile, stretching out for the first time since landing on the sectional, the ache of bruises yet to bloom making themselves known.

Leviathan shifted, stood up, jamming his hands in his pockets. "Um, actually, it's time for dinner. If... if you want to come down?"

Kai paled at the suggestion, pressing as far back into the arm of the couch as he could manage.

"Or, or or, um, I-i could just bring some stuff up after, there's drinks in the fridge by the desk. If, if you want to stay. But you don't have to if you don't want to"

Kai nodded, sniffling into a tissue. "Thank you. I promise I won't mess with any of your stuff."

A pounding knock hard enough to rattle the door caused both to stiffen. "Hurry up if you don't want Beel eatin' yours! Let's go, get off the game, ya nerd!", they heard Mammon laughing to himself as he sauntered down the hall.

"I'll um. Be back soon."

Kai nodded. "I'll be right here. Trying to breathe again."

Levi turned to leave and paused, looking over his shoulder. "I'm glad I found you too.", he mumbled, face going bright pink before he went to join his brothers.

Kai sat very still for a few moments, letting the anxiety drain from his body. Taking stock of memories that were now apparently dreams. He stood slowly, fingertips resting on the arm of the couch as he made sure to have his balance.

Looking around the cool, blue-tinged room, Kai relaxed by slow degrees. Keeping to his word, his hands stayed in his pockets until he reached the fridge.

(always could count on the otaku to have a steady supply of energy drinks)

Kai crouched, rummaging around until he discovered a few bottles of black coffee shoved towards the back, likely very forgotten. Getting back to his full height took a moment, as he unfolded himself carefully, stiffness settling in around his spine.

Taking a small tour around Leviathan's room, Kai made a mental catalog of the collection, which would explode over the next several decades. The aquariums were still under construction - lights and rocks in place, coral beginning to establish itself. Only a bare few, basic types of life were yet represented. Watching the jellyfish carried along by currents was, as it has always been, a small meditation. Something to be thankful for.

He sighed as he made his way back to the couch, hating the way the embrace of the sectional was a vivid reminder of the times this was home. Carefully clearing a spot on the low, cluttered table, moving aside magazines, cases, and slips of paper, Kai found a coaster and placed the unopened bottle down.

Leaning forward, he dug through his bag, noting the buzz of his DDD as he bumped it. Retrieving it from the disheveled depths, he put it face down on the arm of the sofa and continued rifling through the bag. After several seconds, he found the book he had been digging for - a smallish sketch book, which was one of the few things he had had with him when Solomon had displaced them both in time; a prized item now. A tangible reminder of times past (future?), of belonging and family.

Kai ran his fingers lovingly over the cover, held on by a combination of tape and hope, decorated over time with a myriad of scrawls and doodles from a half dozen or more hands. He traced a small drawing on one corner gently, careful not to smudge the lines - a barely glorified pair of stick figures quickly scrawled in a deep shimmering red-blue ink, one leaning close to push it's head against the other. He blinked rapidly, throat burning and tight.

(haven't you cried enough today?)

He put the book aside, delaying the moment where he would once again pick at the wounds covering his heart, keeping them freely bleeding, fresh, even as they tried to seal with thicker and thicker tissue.

With trepidation, he picked up the phone, looking at the screen. Six messages. A low number for the way the last week or so had gone.

Two from Solomon, wanting to know where he was, when he would be home.

(i am home)

Reply: "HoL. I don't know. When I get back there, I'm there. I do have a job here, you know."

One from Diavolo, an invitation to discuss more of the Academy's founding principles with a few others the next evening.

Reply: "Of course. I will ensure the others are also there at the appointed time."

The Future King replied with a sticker; chibi-self in a bright red ballgown.

Kai couldn't help but smile to himself. He hoped Diavolo would never change too much.

One from Lucifer, vaguely chastising. "Attendants should make themselves more available to the needs of those they are assigned to."

Kai smirked, whipping off a reply just shy of pornographic before sighing, deleting the message, and offering one much simpler.

Reply: "I have been here. I apologize for not making myself known or widely available. I had planned to spend time with Leviathan tonight, as I know he is often overlooked. If your needs are being neglected, you know where to find me."

The message was read, no reply.

Two from Asmodeus, the first a link to one tabloid or another that had covered the previous night's event. The second, one of the pictures from the carpet, the three of you posed and stunning.

(how does every single day feel like a different lifetime?)

Reply, "Hey, I look pretty good there. Not sure who those other two are."

Quick ping back: "Ass. 💕 Call me when you get a chance, no rush darling, no trouble."

The reassurance was appreciated.

The last from an unknown number. A short video, two demons sandwiching a silver haired human, thoroughly engaged with one another, backed with muffled moans and skin slapping skin. Between gasps, a familiar voice managed, "See what you missed? Next time, Fancy Boy."

(well. that is almost something worth saving.)

Reply: "Too bad you're that human's pact dog - would love to see how you handle yourself."

Dangerous, as he knew it would be shared. Kai paused, biting his lower lip before saving the video and blocking the number. Better not to tempt fate more than he already had.

(may as well try to enjoy that later)

Business aside, he dropped the DDD back into his bag, attentions returning to the sketchbook. He carefully pulled back the cover, sliding fingertips over the tape to hold it in place as a matter of habit. Nothing inside was of exceptional quality, really more thumbnails, quick sketches of moments.

(a brief history of your time in the devildom)

Curling up in the corner of the couch, he rested the book on his lap, slowly turning each page with something resembling reverence, the pain of a phantom loss lancing through his chest. Moments, memories, wishes, flashed in vivid detail. Quick sketched portraits of all of the brothers in various moments, interacting and solo, mostly captured when they were unaware. Festivals, classrooms, Hell's Kitchen, dozens of different areas which were once familiar territory, now aggravatingly out of reach. He lingered over a page that had been dedicated to capturing the brothers in sleep, some of which had been incredibly frustrating to gain access to. He reflected upon each one, brow knitting tight as he wondered if he would ever be so lucky as to behold these visions again.

Turning another page, Kai smiled to himself. The next was covered in line drawings that were obviously Leviathan, as the two had tried to figure out how to best fit him into a Ruri-chan cosplay. He hugged the book to his chest, trying to remember to keep each breath steady.

A slow count to 100 passed. Kai set the book down beside him, and looked around the room once again. After a short debate, he grabbed the remote, and began flipping channels. At least half a dozen he was accustomed to seeing were notably absent.

(wonder if they've figured out reality shows yet? I bet devildom's next top model would land.. )

Without too much further thought, Kai settled on an episode of a show considered a classic in the time he was used to - Her Majesty the Queen’s a Call Girl?! must still be in its original run. He stared blankly as the episode wrapped up, the next beginning. It felt as though dinner was taking forever. A lecture, or just the usual delays?

The door opened just as a third episode was starting, this being the one that led into territory which earned the title its infamy, if he wasn't mistaken.

"That was insane!" Leviathan exclaimed as he set down a small, steaming bowl on the table. "Brought you this, Lucifer insisted.", glancing at the show, he groaned. "You like this? Really? It's so stupid...", he broke off, stammering as the Queen began servicing her first client of the series.

"Destined to be a classic of the genre.", Kai remarked wryly. He glanced at the bowl. "What's that?"

"Flaming Wild Hare Curry"

Kai frowned, pushing the dish back further on the table. "What was insane?", he turned his attention to the screen as a tentacle appeared.

"Uh. I. Um. C-can we change this?" Envy was quickly threatening to surpass beet red.

Smirking, Kai changed the channel over to where Help! I'm an Evil Overlord! - How Discovering That My Classmate Was a Witch Set Me on a Course to Become Supreme Ruler of Another Dimension! would begin shortly.

"So? What happened?"

"What? Oh, OH! Um, right, so.", Leviathan stammered, recollecting his thoughts as his cheeks slowly returned to their usual undersea pallor. Leviathan plopped down on the couch, facing the human. "No surprise, Satan was still pissed off and told us you aren't trustworthy. That got Mammon and Asmo going saying that he's full of shit and defended you, so the yelling started, and... I've never seen Lucifer so quiet-angry. He left to see Diavolo like, instantly."

(he will lose all trust he holds in you - no matter when?)

Kai looked away. "Did Satan say anything specific?"

"Cursed book, visions, supposedly future or dreams or something, you said memories." the Admiral shrugged. "Twins didn't say much. Seems kinda dumb to me, like, you were freaked out, he was mad, misunderstanding, or maybe you're just in a new isekai! We'll need to come up with a title to do your journey justice, lol"

Without a second thought, Kai closed the gap and threw his arms around Leviathan, planting a kiss on his cheek. The mortified squeak from the demon made him recoil almost as quickly. "Sorry. Sorry. You aren't a touchy sort. I knew that.", he finished lamely.

The Grand Admiral of Hell's Navy stared, eyes wide and mouth moving silently, hand over the spot where he'd been kissed. "I.. no.. you. Um...",

"I'm sorry. I'll go if you want?"

Leviathan shook his head, "No, no. Y-you don't have to um just that was so embarrassing. How do you just DO that?!"

Kai shrugged slightly, lifting one narrow shoulder. "Been known to do more with less reason or want."

Orange over indigo eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets. "So, so you can just...?"

Kai nodded, offering a slight smile. "Yeah. That's the easy stuff."

"How?"

The human shook his head. "No idea. I'd rather take a week of torture than discuss deep feelings, though."

Leviathan laughed a little. "Me too." There was a pause, before he pointed at the battered book. "Do you draw too?", the inquiry was shy.

"Oh. Oh!", it was the human's turn to stammer. "Um. Yeah. A little. I'm not great.", he looked down at the page that could ruin the budding camaraderie, deciding to face it head on. "Have you ever considered cosplay?"

"What?! No? Um... no? Why?", the tone defensive, deceptive, afraid of being judged.

Kai smiled, softening his tone. "Because I think you'd be a gorgeous Ruri-chan." The book he held out was open to the costume design the two had brainstormed in another life.

The demon's eyes went wide as he inhaled softly, fingers brushing alongside the design with something like veneration. "I-is this...me?"

Kai nodded, taking a breath. "There's more the next couple of pages. If you'd want, I would be happy to help with it."

There was a soft ruffling of pages, the demon's features shifting between emotions.

"You d-don't think I'm weird? For... for wanting to do this? How did you...?"

Kai shook his head. "Not at all. It's obvious how much you love all of it. Games, anime, idols...", Kai swept a hand around, gesturing to the room. "You should try things that might make you happy. Worst thing, you decide you don't like it and stop."

"Yeah, but... no way I can ever look like that...", he shook his head, staring at the page longingly. "You wouldn't get it, you're so..."

"Levi.", the human interrupted sharply. "I've remade myself from the ground up. I'm not 'so' anything.", the look he offered contained the weight of what should have been centuries of internalized despair.

Levi chewed on his lower lip, brows furrowed as he searched the Attendant's face. After what seemed to be a lifetime, he nodded, seemingly satisfied. "Okay."

Kai tilted his head, blinking. "Wait. You were the one who laughed the other day - when I was answering Beel's question..."

Leviathan nodded. "I - I'm sorry. I just knew... it was a good dodge though. I've said - I've said stuff like that too."

(interesting. that isn't a thing we're used to. we need to examine that...)

Both looked towards the TV as the recap of last week's episode of Help! I'm an Evil Overlord started.

Leviathan glanced back at the other man. "I-if... if you want, um, you can sit c-closer.", he blushed bright pink. "But you don't have to I mean who would want to be that close to me I'm just -"

The ramble was interrupted as Kai slid over, taking the demon's hand. "Is this okay?"

Leviathan nodded, eyes suddenly fixed intently on the screen.

"Levi? Can I see your art sometime?"

Barely audible. "Okay. Maybe, um - maybe later?"

Kai squeezed his hand gently, falling into silence as the show began, daring to lean his head against the third-born's arm.

[systematic-advice]

Hello, I have a question about journalling for better internal communication, if that's alright. Namely, how does it work? I don't feel like that's the best way to word it, but it is basically what I'm wondering.

For background of why I'm asking, I have in the past month through some asks on a trauma survivors blog I follow began to realize how much my experiences align with OSDD1 criteria. When I was younger I would write back and forth with comfort characters to talk through things I was facing. To clarify, the answers written by these characters were never scripted or thought out, they came as easily as my own thoughts, but were decidedly separate from my own line of thinking. So I suppose I'm wondering I that's what people mean when they talk about journaling for better internal communication.

Based on what I've learned and my understanding these instances may have been internal communication with introjects.

As another clarification, these are things I'm trying to note down and understand for eventually bringing up in therapy.

Hi there Anon!

First let me say that I can absolutely relate, as when we were in our very early stages of figuring out exactly what was going on we also used to write back and forth. There's entire books from our schooling days that were just Alters leaving notes about classes for other alters, in case they didn't remember. I'm not sure it means definitively you're a system or anything, but I can sure tell you that was a thing for us too.

When I talk about journaling, I am USUALLY talking about it in the stages before understanding you might be a System. Which is to say I usually suggest trying to write a bit down every day to see if it's getting done and if the tone changes. But when it comes to better System communication- I don't think you're far off. It would be my suggestion that something similar to your description wouldn't be that far off from Mytter, which is an app for System communication and could be extremely helpful so- the short answer is yes! that's one way to do it.

The other method we used was to ask Alters who fronted to write out actually journal entries (Mood, happenings, whatever they wanted to talk about that wasn't too personal) and encouraged all Alters to go through and read what had been written to better understand each other and where they are coming from. This helped us learn what hobbies some of our Alters liked and allowed us to better understand how to make our littles comfortable.

If anyone has another idea of what System Journaling should look like we are always all ears/eyes! These are the two ways we have done it in the past- but I'm sure there are different interpretations! I hope you find this at all helpful Anon. Always feel free to ask if any clarification is needed. Sorry this took a bit to get to!

[ID: A banner depicting the Greek letter psi, the symbol commonly associated with therapists, crossed out with a large red circle. The text reads “The Auncles are NOT Psychologists/ Psychiatrists/ Medical Professionals. Our posts are not diagnostic or medical advice!”]

[grs-the-neighborhood]

Name: Verdona Levin

Age: 17

Gender: Female

Sexuality: Bisexual

Birthday (Zodiac): January 16; Capricorn

Species: 50% Human, 25% Osmosian, 25% Anodite

Ethnicity: White / Alien?

Native Language(s): English

Nationality: American

Appearance Info

Height: 5'9"

Skin tone: Light

Eye shape/color: Round; Green

Hair style/color: Long Wavy; Black

Outfit style: Oversized Sweaters and Jeans

Accessories: Charms

Markings (birthmarks, scars, etc): N/A

Alignment Info

Hero/Villian/Civilian: Hero

Rank: Vanguard League (Supernatural Department)

Powers/Abilities:�� 

Natural Powers (By Mother) 

    -Mana Manipulation

    -Mana Absorption

    -Mana Detection

    -Memory Manipulation

    -Clairvoyance

    -Teleportation

    -Portal Creation

    -Telepathy

    -Telekinesis

Anodite Powers (By Mother)

    -Anodite transformation

    -Astral Projection

    -Magic

    -Flight

    -Size Alteration

Matter Absorption (By Father)

Fighting Style: 

    -Taekwondo (Taught by Mother)

    - Jujutsu (Yaught by Mother)

Weapons:

    -Spell Book

Personality:

    Verdona is very nonchalant, she tends to be very relax and reserve with people. She's kind and can be motherly to some of the other members, making sure they're fine if not then she would offer her healing. She enjoys music, it's something that puts her in a good mood. She's not nesessarily quiet but she's also not very talkative. She's the type that needs to be spoken too, however she has her moments when she gives a remark. She can be somewhat sarcastic but it's something that makes other laugh. She's very helpful and is a good ear, listening to other people's problems and helping them out.

Backstory:

    Born in Bellwood her parents had always given her a nice life. Making sure to not let their jobs or plumbing take up too much of their time. She was raised to be skilled in fighting, so when she's older she can help people like they did. Kevin, her father, had taught her how to use her osmosian powers in ways of defense and even offense. He gave her an insight to the good places to brokers. Her mother however taught her the ways of magic and being Anodite, even gave her lessons in some martial arts.

    Having these skills made Verdona a nice assest to a team, so she had asked about maybe joining the Vanguard League. Her mother was glad she would be wanting to join heroes, her father didn't seem to care. He was a villain and a hero, very hard to pick a side. But he was happy that she's doing something she wants. She teleported to Townsville and had search but managed to find the Vanguard League, where she met Damian. Son to Danny Fenton and Valerie. She had grown a crush on him. However she kept it professional and asked to join. After showing all of what she had the League had seen her as a valuable member for the team and she was accepted.

    She was excited and even transferred to the local school. Of course she teleports to the school and League whenever needed, she just needed a reason to be somewhere new. Plus she got to see Damian more. She was growing a liking to him and even wondered if she had a chance with him.

Relatives:

- Gwendolyn Tennyson Levin (Mother)

- Kevin Ethan Levin (Father)

- Ken Tennyson (Uncle)

- Ben Tennyson (First Cousin Once Removed)

- Max Tennyson (Great Grandfather)

- Verdona (Great Grandmother)

- Frank Tennyson (Maternal Grandfather)

- Natalie Tennyson (Maternal Grandmother)

- Mrs. Levin (Paternal Grandmother)

- Zed (Pet)

Relationships:

    Her parents and her get along well. Gwen and Kevin have their moments when they argue about the way one another trained Verdona but in the end they have seen that she's grown to be a wonderful daughter and fighter. She gets along well with her father being daddy's little girl, however she also gets along well with her mother. They are supportive and helpful with Verdona's future.

    Damian is the leader of the Supernatural Department she's in. She had grown a liking to him after their first encounter. Something about his scaredy-cat personailty made her smile. She just wanted to be there to help and protect him. In fact in battle she tends to be very protective of him and the team. She stays by his side and listens to his commands, and sometimes at school she can't help but ogle him from her locker. 

    As for Envie, the two seem to get along well. However they have their moments when they engage in a sarcasm battle that some people in the team wonder if they're fighting or just casually having fun. It's usually the latter.

    Vivian is someone Verdona has a hard time getting along with. Mainly due to her being unable to withstand Vivi's obnoxious and loud personality. Verdona tries to avoid her as best as she can but being in the same team it tends to get difficult. 

Small Stories w/ Characters:

            DAMIAN

    As she saw Damian walk by she nervously waved a hand at him, hoping to get his attention without scaring him. He stopped in his track and looked up at her.

    "Hey Damian, I don't mean to hold you up long, but... I was just hoping if you'd like to read this in your free time." She smiled and cautiously handed a small black journal to him, his hands took it curiously and opened it, skimming through it's content.

    "What is it?" He asks, but quickly realizes that it appears to be a journal filled with poems.

    "Just some poetry, I heard that you liked poetry so I wanted to show you some of my stuff. Maaaybe you can let me know if they're any good? I want to go to a poetry slam but I'm just too afraid that my work is ... well childs work."

    Damian smiles and gladly takes the book, he looks up at her eyes, "Thanks, I'll give it a read and let you know what I think about them tomorrow." With that he walked off, leaving Verdona to respond to his dissappearing body.

    "Awesome! Thank you-" she pauses, "Wait tomorrow morning?!" He was gone and she was nervous, was he planning on reading them all in one night? She creates a portal sending herself home, hoping for tomorrow to come sooner.

            Next Morning

    She walks around a room in the league where she ran into Damian the day before. She impatiently fiddled with her scarf before seeing him phase through a wall into the room.

    "Ah there you are," Damian spoke softly and she responded in the same manner.

    "So? What'd ya think?"

    He thought for a second and reassured her with a smile, "It's good. I think these would be perfect for a poetry slam."

    She blushed, taking her journal back she hugged it in her crossed arms and smiled at him, "You think so?... Hey maybe if you aren't busy, you'd like to join me friday for the slam?"

    He smiled, "Sure, Just text me the details and I will meet you there." She nodded, and with that he left again. She excitedly texted the details right away and walked out of the room her book still in her arms as she internally squealed with joy.

            VIVIAN

    It had been a while and Vivi hadn't stopped talking, she was talking to another member in the group and they didn't seem to mind her constant blabbering. However Verdona was starting to get a bit irritated, and with the potty mouth Vivi has Verdona found herself finally speaking up.

    "I know this space is free for members to socialize and relax but do you think you could maybe tone down the profanity?" She dodn't want to come off as a goodie goodie but she just wasn't a fan of profanity, mainly due to her high intelligence she found slang to sometimes be unnessecary.

    "Oh shit sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt yer quiet time," she reponded, only to turn back and continue her conversation. Her profanity had lessen but that only lasted less than a minute before she continued to do it again. Not on purpose, just out of habit.

    Verdona groaned, she just wanted to be in this room and enjoy some poetry reading with Damian, but he was running late and she was running out of patience.

    "We have a language filled with so many words that can replace that vulgar slang street talk of yours," she said slamming her book shut.

    "Why are ya bitching so much? I have the right to use any words I want, freedom of speech look it up."

    Her hands became fists and she stood up from her seat,"For your information I am fully aware of the Amendments-"

    "Well are you fully aware you got a stick up your ass that needs to be taken out?"

    Without another word Verdona gave up and grabbed her book and walked out, Damian had just walked in but quickly followed after her.

    Vivi sat there, a bit confused,"What's her problem?" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Welp that's it for my entry oof took forever

But I'm glad with the outcome, I love both of my new children and if neither wins I wont even be mad, I just love them too much xD

Sorry if any character is OOC, if I need to change things just let me know!

Bio Template (C) MintQuetzal 

Vivian (C) ppgzmlpfimlover 

Verse, Opal, Damian, Vivian, Serena, Kandi (C) PrincessCallyie 

Art, Junji, and Verdona (C) @japanda-draws

Any other character belongs to their rightful show and creator

She will be in @ej-cappy-universe 's GRS series: The Neighbors.