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dylanxmin · 4 years ago

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we were strangers | knj

part of ‘The Chronicles of Y/N’ Collab. - @heartsforbtsnet

pairing; kim namjoon x reader

genre; fluff, humor, and angst, strangers to lovers au? high school au

rating; pg15

warnings; slight swearings, light angst where can be harsh for someone (but not THAT harsh)

word count; 10k

summary; y/n recieves a love letter in her locker

a/n; this fic suppose to be a ‘short’ one but, it turned out as 10k, and i don’t know how this is happened. it was out of blue guys i swear! lol,, i hope you are all can enjoy while reading this fic, and love it as well. thank you for reading, and feedbacks are always appreciated by me, just for the records! love you, all ♡

You’re feeling the pressure of the hands as they met with your skin to hold you safe from not knocking off the ground, familiarly holding you up, pushing you until your feet’s lost the touch of the ground, as your back tightening with the tension, also with a little fear of from hitting to the ground, but you’d never admit that to yourself or anyone who knows you.

After the last push, while goosebumps taking over your body, frequent throbbing of your pulse hitting you by the neck, finally you were able to feel the ground on your feet now.

“Okay, I guess that’s enough for today,” you said before clapping hands for two times, and your gaze wandered on your teammates while panting in sweat, slightly dripping on your forehead. Your friends who were covered in white and red uniform, cheered up a little, imitatively clapped after you, all breathless under their wet uniforms. “I don’t know what possessed you today, but you were hard on us Y/N,” whiney boy, started to walk towards to you, as the others were walking the opposite direction from you, most of them were mumbling somethings you shouldn’t hear, but you could manage to hear all the curses for you, gossip about how strict you were today, and it was like they did it on purpose to be hearable by you.

“We need to practice more as the matches are soon,” you repeated the words that you said on the last practice, “Do you want to fail, in front of the other teams?” as you continued ironically, your friend’s eyes rolled at you, nodded his head for a couple of time. “Yes, yes. You said these words before Y/N,” he murmured under his breath, hearable enough as he was getting closer to you, but his attitude didn’t irritate you because this was his usual behavior towards you.

Yes, you were a little tight for these couple weeks, but it’s for the best, as you wanted to look good when you are going to present your moves and all. Maybe you were being hard on them, but it’s for the best, and they should be thankful for your efforts on this team, rather than hating you or, gossiping about you. At least, you thought like this, but the others were thinking that you were being a pain in the ass, as they were slightly right.

“Jungkook, I just want to be better, it’s not something bad, am I wrong?” your friend gave a response to you by nodding his head, as the meaning of an agreement. He was standing in front of you know, eyes were looking at you in irony, but you choose to toss it. “I don’t think it’s just because you want to be better, but okay, I’m not going to dig it up.” You watched him as he shrugged, holding his hands beside his body but in return, you rolled your eyes.

Jungkook was talking beside you as you were walking to the showers because you were in sweat and a little dirty due to touching the ground while practicing. He was talking about how he found ‘the one’, describing her, talking about her while you were sinking on your thoughts, and of course, you love to talk with him, but this wasn’t the first time that he thought that he found ‘the one’, which you were sure it wasn’t going to be the last one.

He always finds a new girl that he convince himself about that she was the one, but after a couple of weeks, they would split out, due to the news that she wasn’t ‘the one’, as always. It’s never changed because he was susceptible when it’s come to relationships and you never understand why or, how can someone be like this. You never had a first love or, anything like that. Yes, you had relationships and yes, you had crushs but love was something different, it was more serious than a little crush, and dating for two weeks.

Before taking a shower, you stop at your locker to take your little bag that includes your hair products, but Jungkook was still there, talking about his love, constantly. “I’m telling you Y/N, this time it feels right,” he was excited and talking with you while his eyes sparkling in happiness, brushing his hair for a couple of time, moving on his feet as smiling widely, and you couldn’t help but smile in return, nodding.

As soon as you opened your locker, little brownish paper falls at your feet, taking you by surprise as your friends shut his mouth while scowling his brows. “Is that a letter?” he implies, but you shook your head, kneeling quickly to take the paper before him, “No, no, it’s mine,” you reassured him, with a simple tone for not alarming him, but he was still scowling his brows at you.

“It’s mine Jungkook,” you slightly hit his shoulders as he was exaggerating the situation, but in the truth, he was right and it was a letter.

You didn’t know who put it in here or, why they did it, but still, the last thing you wanted to hear from your best friend that it was a sign for true love or, something close to that.

Luckily, he shrugged and distracted by your teammates as you put the letter at your bag, quickly before getting his attention to yourself. Now, you have to wait to take a shower to read the letter, but you know that it was going to be hard for you because even now, curiosity takes over your body. You couldn’t stop counting the time, as you want to read that letter as fast as you can, taking a shower never felt this long before in your life and you quit showering shorter than your normal routine and if you had to imply this, you didn’t even use your third balm for your face and yes, that’s how much you were dying to read that letter.

Freshly combed hair of yours spreading on your shoulders, it was still wet and dripping water slowly, while you sitting on the bench in the locker room, eagerly taking the brownish paper from your bag, it was wrinkled on the corner and before opening, you tried to fix it but it was useless.

“Here we go,” you said. Panting in excitement, your cheeks already heating up with the feeling of this mysterious letter giving you, and you open the symmetrically closed letter, gently. You paused for a second, as the owner’s handwriting was obviously stunning, and it surprised you, but without wasting another moment you start to read the letter.

‘’

I don’t know how to start this, and I’m not even sure if I’m going to give this letter to you but, here ya’ go.

Y/N, I really like seeing your smile, even if you are not smiling for me, your giggles that appears when you heard a good joke, even they are not mine, I love hearing it, and it fits you so good. Wait, is this getting creepy? I don’t want to sound creepy. This is supposed to be a love letter, not a creepy stalker’s letter.

I’m sorry if I’m making you uncomfortable right now, but after three years I had to tell you about my feelings at this moment because I don’t want to graduate if you are not going to be my date on the ball. L/N Y/N, I love every little detail about you. When your eyes nearly disappear while you are laughing at something, pouting when you get mad at someone or, even something. And mostly, I love seeing you acting bravely, even though you fear from height, you go there and take that jump, while closing your eyes wide shut, clanging your nails to your palm.

As I said before, I love every little detail about you, and I want you to be my date, only if you want it of course, but please don’t just ignore me. At least, you can give me a change right? I’ll be waiting for you,,

‘’

Disaster. It was nothing but a disaster for you. Of course, it's not because someone gave you a love letter, it was a disaster because that person knew your fear of height, and it was unacceptable for you, as no one knows about this. You purposely hide this from everyone because let's be honest, who would let a girl into a cheerleader team as a leader when that girl has acrophobia. Even hearing it was ridiculous, and everybody would make fun of you.

Even your best friends didn't know this information about you. Who is this person? You needed answers, but have no idea about how to get them, but what if you reject this person, what if everyone learns your fear? This is highschool for sake, they would tear your reputation apart. The one you build in years. ''Fuck,'' you sighed, cursed a thousand times under your breath, but the pity hours come to an end, as your eyes reach to the end of the paper, which now you were able to see that there was one part that still staying unfold.

Your blood starts to quicken in your veins, maybe there is a clue about the person who writes this, so you cursed one more time but it was for you this time. How could you not realize that there is more to read?

What is this?

You cursed yourself for nothing, at least you decide to that as your eyes blankly stare the numbers at the end of the letter. Okay, you were not terrible at math, but it wasn't your stronger subject, you sighed in defied. You'll never know who wrote this, and everyone probably will learn about your fear, then they'd mock you all the time. Wonderful! Now you have to learn how to get through your last year without being a dropout.

''-and then I broke up with her. Bro, I'm telling you, it was vicious.'' Jungkook start to laugh, violently shaking while laughing so he ends up kicking the table, bringing you back to the living's world.

''Aish! Can you chill a little?'' you whined.

''Not that you are not right about Jungkook, but what is going on with you lately, Y/N?'' Jimin's curious stares placed on you, while you try to steal his rice from his bowl but he cuts you off, you whined twice. ''I'm okay. There is nothing to tell.''

''I'm serious. The only important thing is Jungkook's break up at the moment, and how he is not devastated after this break-up, huh?'' you tried to change the topic, don't want to be in the spotlight right now. It was the last thing you want at the moment, but as always, your friends were persistent to suffocate you. ''Y/N, we are sitting here almost for twenty minutes now, but you didn't speak for once. Even when Jungkook stole your Kimbap.''

''What?'' you take your eyes from Jimin, furiously landed on Jungkook and his dirty mouth, the mouth that has stains of your food.

''Ahh! Did you have to hit that hard? Off,'' Jungkook, start to rub his arm, where you hit mercilessly, but he deserves that. It's not that you feel hungry, but hitting Jungkook makes you feel better, and honestly, you didn't have any problem with taking your anger on these boys because they had have done worse things than this, so it was okay. But Jimin was right about something that was going on with you.

One week had passed after you find that letter, but there was no progress on finding the one who wrote it, and you were freaking out every moment, fearing that someone will learn about your secret. Maybe, it wasn't a big deal for other people, but this topic was extremely important for you, and you were tense about it.

''Uhh, come on Y/N, tell us already.''

''Okay, okay!'' eventually, you gave up and reach to your backpack for taking the letter. ''I think she is going to stab us?'' Jungkook whispers to Jimin, his eyes looking at his friend wide open, and Jimin replies to him with a simple head shake. Even though you heard his stupid question, you let it slide by your ears, and after finding the letter, you turn to them while pouting.

''Here.'' your friends stared the brown paper that you just throw at the table, their sights wander between on you and the letter, so you sighed before explaining them.

''Do you remember a paper fell from my locker, and I said it was mine?'' Jungkook nods, knitting his brows. ''It wasn't mine.''

''I know it!'' While Jungkook jumps on his chair, standing up while pointing you with his finger, Jimin's stares lands on both of you, confusedly looking at you two. ''Can someone explain this to me?''

''You, my friend, looking at a snake at the moment. She is smooth and would bite you in the right moment.'' With wide-open eyes you stare at him, brows raised in surprise but it didn't last long. You pull him back to his seat before starting to talk, as everyone was looking at you three, and you didn't want this kind of attention at the moment.

''Stop exaggerating the situation, idiot! Just read the damn letter.'' after you, they attack the letter. You just wished for the letter's sake, as you need it as one piece.

While their eyes go right and left swiftly, you take your gaze from them to land on your nails, taking your nail file in your right hand to amuse yourself when they’re reading the letter. Maybe you were exaggerating the situation, and nothing bad would happen if you can't find the one who wrote it, as this was a love letter and that's mean the one who wrote this loves you, so wouldn't do something bad, something that could bring your repetition down. Maybe, this was all your overly working imagination, and everything would be fine.

''What are these numbers at the end?'' Jimin sounds so confused as his eyes were reflecting it, looking with a wide gaze.

''This is the weirdest love letter that I ever seen.'' you nod as a response to Jungkook, even though it was your first love letter. You have no idea about how love letters should be.

''And you received lots of love letters?'' Jimin scoffs.

''Well, I don't think this is the importing thing at the moment, but if you need to know, I did send lots of love letters.'' Jungkook crossed his arms on his chest and landed his gaze on Jimin, confidently.

''Bro, this is not something you should be proud of,'' watching them while they are mocking, provocating each other always made your day better, and for one second, letter vanished from your mind with your anxiety. So you just waited until they finish roasting each other before getting distracted by the letter, and turning their eyes at you.

''Okay but seriously, do you know what are these numbers?'' you shrug your shoulds, taking the letter from the table in your hands, looking at the numbers with blank stares. ''I have no idea, and I need to find this person, but I have no idea about that either.''

''Wait a second. You afraid from height?'' Jungkook's voice echoed in the cafeteria once again, and you immediately shut his mouth with your hand, covered on his lips. Your eyes start to wander on the people whose eyes were landing on your table, confusedly looking at you three.

''Shout again and I will punch you.'' you threaten him, while his wide eyes looking at you, nodding swiftly before you take your hand from his mouth. This is why you kept it as a secret. You knew that he would spill it to everyone, and probably would think it was not something to be shy about, but it was exactly like that for you.

''Yes, I'm afraid of it, but I don't want to talk about that right now, okay?'' both of them nod in surprise but you appreciate it as they agreed with you. You didn't want to talk about it right now, both because you were tense about this topic, and you were at the school cafeteria, where someone can easily eavesdrop on your conversations.

''Okay, so I am heading to numbers, then.'' Jimin reaches to your hands to take the letter, knitting his brows while checking the letter. ''What if they are some kind of a code that reveals the one who wrote this?''

Oh god.

Why you never think of that before?

Actually, this is a good idea, and your heartbeat quicken with the tiny lead. If you could crack the code, then you could find the owner. But there was a little problem with cracking the code.

How?

''Even if it's a code, how are you two going to solve it? I don't think you guys can do it. No offense.''

Jungkook looks at you and Jimin in disbelief, smiling at his own words. Even though he was right, he irritates you with his annoying attitudes.

''We can't do it, but you can?'' Jimin scoffed once again, and Jungkook's smile starts to fade, turning into a rage as he looks at him with slit-eyes. You clapped your hands while laughing, and it made Jungkook angrier, as he starts to pout. ''Who would crack it then?''

''Wait a minute. There is a boy in his senior years who understands computers and all these code things, right?'' Jimin's eyes starts sparkling, asking you but you had no idea. ''O-Oh! Yes, yes. The boy with good grades right? The nerd.'' Jungkook answered him in excitement, leaving his anger aside. Both of them nodded in excitement, but still, you had no idea about who they were talking about.

''Who is that?''

''What was his name? I guess it starts with N? Aish,'' Jungkook starts to scratching his head with knitting his brows, trying to find his name. While you were waiting for an answer from him, a loud voice echoed once again, and you jump in your seat. ''What the hell Jim-''

''Namjoon. Kim Namjoon!'' but before you can finish your words and yell at Jimin for hitting the table this loud, the name spilled from his lips.

Kim Namjoon.

You feel like you heard this name before but can't recall the boy's face. Fortunately, you'll see his face, as you are going to him desperately, and begging for him to crack this stupid code, or whatever this is.

It wouldn’t be an exaggerating if you say that you could faint from nervousness, as it was true. As you were standing on the hallway where it’s covered with lockers, which you were laying your back to the particular one. The locker that belongs to Kim Namjoon. Your future savior or, you wished it would come out that way.

You hoped that he could crack the code, -which you even weren’t sure if it’s a code but still-, and find the person who wrote that letter. Because you need to find that person, as you need to know how that person learned about your fear. It was long forgotten that it was a love letter, which had been sent to you, basically asking you to be his date on the ball, but you didn’t care about it.

Jungkook and Jimin reassured you very well that boy named Namjoon was really good at with computers and cracking codes and even, making a code. They even said that he helped a lot of people with their problems with computers and all, as you surprised at how you couldn’t recall him. His face was a mystery for you, and after learning his locker from your friends -which they learned from his best friend’s, Jung Hoseok. Another person you can’t recall-, you immediately run here, after your practice with your team to meet with this boy.

While you were staring at his plain gray locker, students start to fill the corridors, noises start to reach your ears, and your heart starts to beat swiftly. You were one step closer to find that person. Your fingers start to wander on the locker, you feel the relief on your chest, as you are going to find the owner, and talk about your fear.

“Can I help you?” a thick voice, scared the hell out of you, as you jumped before turning to the voice. But while waiting to meet his face, you just met with the white school uniform. In shock, you look higher.

Okay, he was tall. Yes, you were tiny but of course, you wouldn’t except it so easily, and the height differences only caused because he was so tall. Not because you were the size of a bean, not at all.

“Ye... yes you might help, if you are Kim Namjoon.” you stopped staring at him and do the talk, as he was starting to look at you with furrowed brows. His light brown hair separated from the left side of his head, a tip of his hair falling on to his right side of his forehead, above from his darker brown brows, which they were raised in curiosity at the moment. His upturned nose, placed symmetrically above his plump lips, glowing in light pink.

“I am Namjoon but what do you want?” beside your estimations, he wasn’t kind or kind of a lame guy, as your friends called him nerd more than one time. So, automatically you assumed that he was a shy, introvert guy but, clearly you were wrong, as he didn’t look like it.

“Well, probably you know my name but I am L/N Y/N, and I need your help with something,” you said confidently, holding your chin up.

“Yes, I saw you a couple of times, laughing very loudly at the library, but no. I didn’t know your name.” he shrugged his shoulders, while you staring at him with an ‘o’ shaped mouth.

How disrespectful.

You were the leader of the cheerleader team, and he didn’t know your name? Everyone knows your name, and even though you sound annoying, it’s the truth.

“Are you sure that you belong to this school?” you ask in irony, but he simply scoffs while telling you to go back with his hand gesture, so you step back.

“The one you were staring and completely blocking me from reaching is my locker so yes, I belong to this school.” you gasp at his answer. Why he was acting so rude towards you and most importantly how? You weren’t a girl who looks down at people just because you were popular, but you deserve to be acted respectfully from others as you had dignity and reputation that you had build in years.

“I guess it’s fair,” you said under your breath, while he opens his locker, blocking your face as it stops inches away from your nose. Your brows furrowed immediately, couldn’t believe how he ignored you. You let out a tiny fake cough, as trying to get his attention on you, but he didn’t even bother to look at you.

“Don’t you going to ask me why I needed you?” you stretch out your head, before talking to him. Your annoyance could be hearable from your voice, but he only looks at you after taking his books from his locker and shutting it.

“I’m listening.”

“I... I heard that you are good with cracking codes.” you paused for a moment but he remained silent, staring. His eyes, looking into yours but you could swear that he sees more than that, and it irritated you. Unintentionally you crossed your arms above your chest, uncomfortably. “I have a code that waiting to be solved.”

“I’ll do it.” heavyweight lifted from your chest as he started to speak, a smile placed on your lips but it didn’t last long.

“You have to buy me dinner.”

“Wait, what?” you tried to speak but he raised his brows, starts to speak before you do. “I guess you don’t need my help after all.”

“Okay, okay. Dinner it is.” you grab his arm, as he tried to turn his back at you. His stares placed on your hand, where it’s standing on his arm, tightly that fingertips turn into white color, so you take it back quickly. Both of your cheeks go red, and you couldn’t understand why he starts to blush, as you were the one who made an awkward move.

His confident expression vanished in second, mouth opened and closed for a couple of times, as you stared him in surprise.

“Are you available at the moment?” you ask, but his eyes not looking at you, rather, placed on the lockers. “Yah!” you tried to poke him, but he takes a step back quickly that surprised you once again.

“I..I am.” he starts to walk, leaving you behind.

“Hey! Hey, wait!” after a moment of pause, you start to follow him, but he was acting fast and comparing your leg heights, it was hard for you to reach him so easily.

You start to speed up. You were almost running right now, and your homeroom teacher’s voice reached to your ears, as he was telling you not to run on the corridors, but you bowed a little without stopping running. “Sorry,” Normally you would listen to your teachers but right now, there was something more important than obeying the rules. One second you thought that you lost him, but after looking to the right and left, your eyes catch him, entering the study room.

You enter it after him, tried to speak but it was useless for a moment as you needed to gather your breaths. “Why are you running from me?”

“I am not.” he looks at your pointed finger, then takes a seat on one of the tables.

“You asked for my help so I come here to help you.”

“You!” you stopped as your voice come out louder than you imagined, but thankfully there were no other people which it was quite strange, as this place always filled with people who studies for 7/24.

“You did run away,” you speak with your normal voice now.

“Do you want my help or not?” one brow raised, threatening glance of his lands on you. You afraid that he wouldn’t help you with the code, so you start to shake your hand in front of his face. “Okay, okay. I want your help.”

His grin appears on his face, as you dropped the topic, in a way you let him win this round.

''What do you mean it would take two weeks to crack?'' your voice came out louder than you think but you didn't mind that as you were feeling a bit of disappointment. ''Aren't you the nerd who solves these codes and things like that?''

''The nerd?'' his face reveals his annoyance of your words, which you didn't mean to hurt him, as you talk before thinking once again. The worst habits of yours, talking before thinking, not that you don't care about the feelings of people, but mostly because you were stupid, and had no control over your tongue.

''I didn't say it as a bad thing or, to insult you. I mean, I heard that you are smart and very good with this,'' you waved your hand, showing the letter, emphasizing your words with a gesture.

''Yes, I am good with these things but it takes time. As you are not the 'nerd' one, you can't understand that, right?''

''Rude,'' you said as he was looking at you with a glance that challenging you.

You had never been so insulted in your entire life, beside your friends but they didn’t count, as you insult them more than they do. Hence, you were surprised at his words, how he chooses to mock you and bother you, intentionally. He crossed his arms on his chest, shoulders doubled with the action, muscles visible now under his uniform, and you couldn't stop thinking how huge he is. You were not saying only comparing him to yourself, but as you think of your friends and every boy in this school, damn, he was huge.

''Are you trying to find a way to sneak up on me or, something?'' you jump on where you’re standing, distracted from your thoughts.

He scared the hell out you with his thick voice, mocking you and brows furrowed with locked eyes on your face. Heat starts to fill on your cheeks, hands sweating and you wish that he can't understand your situation at the moment while wiping your palms to the side of your legs. ''No.''

''Then stop looking at me like a creep and buy me a dinner.''

Creep?

You did not look at him like a creep, of course. He is just one boy who exaggerates everything, and you could say that after knowing him in two days. ''Did you crack the code?''

''No? I said it would take two weeks. Aren't you listening?'' he scoffs, shaking his head in disbelief.

''You get your dinner, after cracking it.'' You are not some dumb girl who would spend her money on nothing. He has to learn that he could not take advantage of you or your money.

''I can't work with an empty stomach, right?'' his grin starts to appear on his lips, while yours fades away. This boy would be the death of you with this kind of bratty attitude, but he was the only person you could lean on about your problem.

''Fine!'' you gave up eventually, throwing deadly stares at him before turning your back to him, start to walk.

One dinner and your problem would be solved.

Unbelievable.

It was just unbelievable how he could eat this much food. I guess the mystery of his huge body solved after seeing his eating habits. You start to scan the boy who takes a sip from his bowl, nearly finishing his Kalguksu, as well as your money. His appetite manage to surprise you every time you bought dinner for him, as this was your fifth time. He always finds a way to trick you into buying him dinner, mostly he relies on you, needing him for that stupid letter.

You cursed yourself more than one time for taking your friend's ideas about asking for his help and agreeing with the dinner thing. As you were sitting at the study room, for the fifth time, waiting for him to solve this code, but every time he would say that he got hungry and couldn't work on the code, so you had to buy him food, sneaking it to the study room.

He would thank you with a big grin, and you would hold your eager to punch him every time, only smiling and saying 'it’s not a big deal'.

In fact, it was a big deal.

It's been almost two weeks now but he still did not finish solving the code or, told you how it was going. You didn't even know if he was close to solving it or, not.

You knew nothing, as your anxiety raising in you almost every day that someone would find out about your secret. You were afraid that the one who wrote this letter would get sick of and starts to tell about your secret to everyone, only to get revenge from you, as he could think that you ignored his confession.

On the other hand, Jimin and Jungkook would tell you that you were so stupid, and no one would care about your fear, but little did they know that this was high school and everyone tries to tear each other apart?

Plus, Namjoon had surprised you in the first time you met with him, and never stopped surprising you with his attitudes. When Jungkook called him a 'nerd', you thought it was a piece of cake, but you couldn't be more wrong.

He always finds a way to trick you, mock you, and make you feel vulnerable around him. You always end up blushing, can't find the right words for giving him a good response the way you do it with your friends, and your heart would go crazy every time he stops what he was doing on that computer, and starts to stare at you. Goosebumps would surround your body, and you would end up yelling at him for him to stop staring at you.

As you were staring at him while he was eating his food, you couldn't realize that he has already finished his meal and his eyes focused on yours, brows raises slowly as you start to get blush all over again. ''Is it fun to stare at me or something?''

''Uh-huh. So much.'' you shake your head, not looking at his smile.

How did he catch you while you are staring at him, again.

Well, maybe if you bother to stop staring at him, like constantly, maybe he wouldn’t be caught you all the time. You weren’t the only one who always yell at him to stop staring at you, as it’s obvious. To be honest, you got caught more than him, when it comes to staring. But you just couldn’t understand how he could be like this.

He was supposed to be a nerd that who would be shy around you, flinch every time he sees you and acts like a god damn introverted person, rather, he would be bossy around you, mocking you, and would look really good while smiling as his little dimples would appear on his cheeks, fills your heart with the familiar warmth, as you feel it every time you see him on the school corridors, study room, and while he was waiting for your practice to be done at the benches.

You couldn’t figure it out, why your heart flinched every time you see him or, you would try to ignore these feelings most of the time, but he wasn’t of much help with the ignoring plan while sitting across you with his stupid dimples. “Well, you are still staring,”

“I am not!” you take your eyes from him, cheeks filling with heat, getting red with the unbearable emotions, while his eyes widening, brows of him raising. You were completely in denial, but you are not going to accept it, not while getting red under his sight, silly grin standing on his face. “Are you not done with the code yet? Should I find another person for it? Because it looks like you are stalling me and-“

“I cracked it!” his voice caused you to shiver visibly. It it was louder than before, and his jaw twitches with his sudden rage. You couldn’t find a word to say to him, you wanted to yell at him, as he fooled you with this shitty games, told you lies all these days, but rather you couldn’t say anything, while his burning glares wandering on you. “I..you..”

“Why are you so obsessed with finding the one who wrote this letter?” just like before, your mouth opened only to be shut down once again. Yes, you were obsessed to find him and yes, it is all because of your stupid phobia and even though he knew about the letter and probably the phobia part, you didn’t want to say this out loud, but most importantly you didn’t want to tell him out loud.

Yes, you know that this sounds really childish but maybe he just skipped the part where all the confession happened and minded to look only to the code. So, if he didn’t read that part, which you were deeply wished for that, you didn’t want him to learn it. He was already making fun of you more than you can handle, and already makes you feel vulnerable around him, crashing your walls down, -which no one could ever manage to do that in years-, and if he learns this, he may say things that probably crash you, hurt you deep down, and you didn’t know why you were so afraid to look bad in his eyes, but you were.

“Did the code revealed his name? If it’s, tell me his name.” finally, you found the last pinch of strength in deep down on your heart, you tilt your head, brows raises in the excitement that you’ll finally learn something about the boy. While Namjoon remains silent, your mind starts to work about what would you say to him or, how would you turn him down and convince him not to tell your secrets to everybody in this school. It was something obvious that you’re going to turn him down, because you had no feelings for anyone, and you wouldn’t go out with someone that you feel nothing, as you promised yourself after your stupid relationships.

They ended very awkwardly, as you lost interest in them because it was nothing more than a silly crush, and eventually they would notice it, and it would get even more awkward for both of you. A text would ensue and you would become single again. So, it is clear that you are going to reject him, but you have to do it gently, as your reputation depending on this.

Not a long after you realized that you were sinking on your thoughts and Namjoon staying still ahead of you, chewing his bottom lip, and scanning your face.

''So? Say it,'' you stated once again, his silence irritated you, but he just settle with licking his lips, where he was chewing before. ''Yah!'' you called out, rising from your chair to show him how serious you are, but it turned out as a lame move, when he slowly gets up from his chair, eyeing from very above you, and you felt so tiny under him.

''Come with me,'' he replied while starting to walk towards to exit of the study room, an empty box in his hands, eaten kalguksu's remains were still visible.

''Where are you going? Hey, wait!'' you exclaimed as he continues to walk without looking at you for one second, and you hurried, catch the door before it closes.

You promised yourself that when this is all over, you're going to beat the hell out of him, but between in your thoughts, you start to speed up as his presence fades away with every step of him, and boy. How he could walk this fast, while you were nearly running to get closer to him. And this was another reason why you were going to kill him, as he always finds a way to make you run behind him, yelling at corridors, and scolded by your teachers. Ugh. You could even hate him if he wasn't helping you to find the boy you are looking for.

When you finally pass through the final door, cold breeze hitting your face with fresh air, your eyes landed on his body, standing right beside his bike and waiting for you to find him. You reach out to your hand to him even though he was standing far away from you, poking out your finger at him while your other hand resting on your knee, blissfully you remain in that pose for a while, as you tried to make your breaths go stabile from all these running, but at least you find him.

''If you do this again, I swear-''

''You should be thankful, instead of threatening me. I keep you in shape, you know?'' his grin gets wider in the same way your eyes do. You clench your fists, nails poking your flesh but your annoyance clouded the pain, rage starts to raise by your chest, getting away in your breaths, every time you exhale. ''Did you call me fat?''

''I..I did n-not,'' his grin fades away, letting its place to fear, his eyes twinkled more than once. Your anger starts to leave your body because he looked very amusing to your eyes, seeing him like this always made your day brighter.

''Good.'' you stated with a smile on corner of your lips, it's amused you how things changed in a moment. How his confidence shrink, and he turned out as the boy who is blushed around you, and run away from you when you touch him on the arm.

One time after he made you very mad that you needed to placed a slap on his arm, and even though the slap wasn't hard enough to hurt him, all of a sudden his cheeks start to get pink, eyes of him wandered around everywhere but you, and eventually he just ran away from you, and you followed him while shouting at the corridors, just like today. It amazed you, how his moods can switch in a flash. One second, he is the boy who mocks you, insults you, but when you tried to get close to him, or simply touch him, he would freak out.

''I.if-'' he stopped after failing to speak, his lips flatten in jadedly. Meantime you start to chew your lower lip, you don't know why but this time seeing him like this did not cause you joy, moreover, you worried about him. His head looking down, eyes darted to his fingers, as he was playing with them. He looked like a lost puppy, which this attitude was very foreign to you. An itch starts to build in you to hug him, but as you know him, even a bit, he would flinch and start to run away, all over again. Instead, you choose to wait.

''I will tell you if you come with me Y/N,'' finally he manages to speak, his posture changed in a minute, straighten his back and look at you with furrowed brows, doe eyes met with yours, forcing you to say yes. Eventually, you replied with a plain yes, nodding your head and not looking at him, but you could take a peek at the corner of his lips curling up, giving a shy smile. ''Hope on,''

''Hah! No way.'' you mocked while his hand patting his bike's back, showing you where to sit.

''Can't you just say yes for one time?'' he groaned, shaking his head in disbelief.

''Well, technically I just said yes to come with you.'' you rolled your eyes while emphasizing the very last conversation you just had with him.

''Just..get on, please.'' his exhaustion on his voice, keen on his big, bright eyes just poke something in your heart, so you decided to tag along with him, for this time.

''Okay. I'm going to 'hop on'.'' you teased but once again, you were happy to see his lips curled. You were sure about to regret this, all tagging along with him, but still, your heart felt softer than ever, while his dimples taking over his cheeks, making your stomach wiggle nervously. Ugh. Why would you feel this way you had no idea, but you let it slide from your mind while taking your place on the back of his bike, clenching your fingers to his uniform, avoiding to touch his back. Boy, it was going to be a long road.

Remember you saying that this road was going to be long?

Woefully, you were right about that. He gave a ride for two of you, but after leaving the city behind, buildings were nowhere to be seen, and trees filled your vision, you two had to use your legs to reach the place he was taking you. The harsh wind continuing to sting your arms and your face while your legs were droopy, do not want to take another step to go further, but Namjoon kept saying that you were close.

''Aish!'' while worn out from all the walking, finally you decided to give up. You let your body take its place on the ground, leg muscles start to pound with the sudden relief.

''I can't walk anymore. You have to say it right here because this body goes nowhere,'' you whined to the boy who can't be seen by your eyes, as your focus placed on the starry sky. It was getting dark and supporting your tiredness with the fact that you were walking for almost half an hour now.

''Hey, don't be dramatic this much. We have been walking only for twenty minutes, Y/N. Get up.''

''No. More. Walking.'' you stated, emphasizing every word to make sure that he understands how serious you are. You had a rough day, okay? Practicing on the field almost for two hours, stressing over not to kiss the ground with your face and of course, dealing with this boy named Namjoon. Forget the two other factor for your tiredness, Kim Namjoon can make you feel lifeless after spending only one hour with him. He is gifted with this special ability to make you suffer and suffer more.

''Hhm. No more walking,'' he imitated, you heard something different in his tone, rather than participating with you, he was after something.

After one second, his face covered your sight, his eyes darkly shined above his smile, contrast to dimples, his smile was never in the neer of being cute, but more likely appeared mischievously on his lips. Shit. You know that he was going to do something, and before you could protest, his hefty hands grabbed your wrist and lifted you without showing any effort. Before he could place you on his back, you cried out due to the rapid movement. ''At least, no more walking for you,'' he chuckles like he said the humorous thing in the world.

''What the fu...What are you doing?'' you yelled, try to pull your wrist from him, but his grab tightened around your wrists, and you protest against his ear.

''Just shut up and let me help you. I know you are tired because of your practice because you are always trying too hard, test your limits, and push too much. So stop kicking my legs and hold on to my shoulder, for god sake!'' a whimper slipped by your lips but you shut them firmly, tightened your arms around his shoulders, and tried not to choke him even though you want it badly.

''Thank you.'' this was the only thing you could hear from him for the next ten minutes. His right hand holds the bike while he was walking. Due to the sloppy road, the bike couldn't make it, and eventually, it's wheel gave up. So this is how you end up on his back, resting your chin on his shoulder, arms wrapped around him, all thanks to his bike.

The scent of fresh cocoa stirred in your lungs, easing your mind. You felt more relaxed than before, and unintentionally your nose gets closer to his neck, where his hair ends. You take a tiny breathe, as you didn't want to be heard by him, but the scent was too irresistible at the moment, so you had to do this. Soft fragrance, filled in your nose and lungs one more time, your lips curls up with the wiggle on your stomach. But your cute moment cuts short when he decides to drop you to the ground. ''Woaa...Be gentle you-''

''Did you just smelled me?'' he leered, brows of him furrowed snidely. If you had one wish on this lifetime, you would spend it to vanish from this particular moment. You moped the ground, trees, and basically everywhere other than him with your eyes. ''I.. did.. not?'' heat starts to fill to your cheeks, chew your bottom lips with uptightness. It was kinda funny how you two switching your moods, opposite to each other.

A couple of hours ago, he was the one who stuttered and gets all pink on the cheeks, but right now, you were the one who can't have a glaze on him.

Ultimately, you summon up your courage and eyed him, while he was being cheeky and your palm starts itching, in a need to punch him or at least smack him on the arm. You hate being like that, but no matter how hard you try, you always end up getting blush, and silent. You didn't know how he manages to rule over you, but you were pissed off so bad about this fact.

''I heard the little sound that your nostrils do, Y/N,'' he exposed, brows raised while tilting his head.

''Did you like it?'' normally you would think that he was mocking you or, trying to fuck up your nerves, but he seemed sincere with his wide open, blissfully glowing brown eyes. You choose to believe him, for some reason.

''Well... mm... I like... it?'' you confessed, and his dimples appeared once again, under a firm smile. You could understand that he was trying not to smile widely for not to irritate you, and you were thankful for that.

''Imm... Okay,'' he mumbled, take a deep breath after clenching his hands to each other. ''As we started to confessing, maybe... uhm... you would like to do another one?'' he suggests, brooding over his words.

''Do what?'' you hesitated, couldn't be sure what he was talking about or, asking.

Your eyes widened, blinking in fear at what just came into the corner of your mind. The idea of him mentioning the thing you most abstain to talk over.

''Look around. this place is very special to me. I only come here when I feel down or when I... need to shout out the things that I'm keeping as a secret. The things that I don't want anybody to hear.''

''No,'' you whispered. The only thing you can do at the moment, the only voice that could come out from you was whispering. You opened your mouth, dare to speak but it was useless for a second. ''Y/N, I know...I know that you have-''

''Stop!'' you growled at him, cut his words before he could say anything. You just didn't want to hear it from him, you didn't want his pity on you or, his stupid windy eyes staring at you.

''I don't want to talk about this.'' your heart starts to pounding heavily on your chest, while tears filling your eyelids. It was none of his business and neither your god damn letter. Why did you include him in your life in the first place? Why did you listen to your friend's advice in the first place?

''Y/N.. Y/N just look at me, okay?''

Namjoon's face comes out in front of you, but you couldn't see him clearly, as your tears were blurring your sight. You couldn't notice his closeness as well as your cry. When did he get so close to you, or when did he start to wipe your tears away from your cheeks. When your eyes met, warmth starts to fill in you from his dark brown eyes.

''I have a secret too, you know?'' he muttered softly with a husky voice.

You shake your head slowly, as you didn't know what was his secret about. You start to ease under his warm breath hitting your face, passing by your neck. You shivered.

''I came to this place, more than a couple of times, just to shout that secret out. Whenever I overwhelmed by the feeling that secret caused me.'' he speaks once again, thoughtfully looking at your eyes, sweet chocolates in deep thought.

You sized up his face, his expressions change the way you never see before. His brows softly raised, looking at you with his sweetly intense orbs, tracking every emotion that you put into your face. He wasn't the boy who always mock you, or irritate you out of blue or the boy who gets shy around you, abstain from you and run away, which you were still couldn't understand why he was starting to run away from you like that but right now, he was neither of them.

''What is... it?'' you breathed.

His crow's foot appeared as well as his dimples, when he starts to smile, his thumb gently rubbing against your cheek. Under the soft touch, alarming your butterflies to move in your stomach, you blinked a couple of times before shutting your eyes. The only thing you could feel at the moment was his silky finger, caring your cheek above your throbbing pulse and his breaths that tickling your skin. You didn't know why, but for some reason, you felt too droopy to open your eyes, too afraid that he might be stop. You didn't realize until now that you want him so close to you, hands on your cheeks, chest panting hysterically just inches away from you.

And for god sake, you never noticed how bad you needed him in this way.

On the other hand, Namjoon starts to get closer, reaching your ear. You feel that you were getting tense, with every minute you get closer to your edge, while mind clouded, eyes were shut, and the only thing you could feel his warm breath, hitting your neck.

''I am the one... who you are looking for.''

Either the time has stopped running, earth stop turning or, you were feeling everything at full speed. You didn't know how to feel. Angry? Confused? Anxious or maybe even joyful? Once again, your eyes met with each other, unlike your brooding gaze he was observing your face, hearty eyes looking deep inside of you, soothing your nerves, but not enough.

''Y... you? Why didn't-When?'' your voice come out squeaked, and you just decided to stop. Even if you wanted to continue, you couldn't due to your lack of energy. You felt drained.

How could he say this, how could he plan all of this? Did he know that you would go to see him for his help? Did he want to mock you and drill your soul with every joke? Did he enjoy your suffering? All this time he knew that you were afraid of the idea of your secret wandering around, but he only stood there and watch you go crazy? So many questions starts coming to your mind out of blue and you start to feel trapped, anxious, but from inside of these questions, there was the only one that matter to you.

Did he really like you or, he just wanted to see your suffering?

''I know, you are probably want to kick me right now, and I swear I will let you do it, but before that please listen to me for just one time, huh?'' he begged.

Fingers still caring your cheeks softly, pleading eyes giving you the hint of his sincere, so you just go with a simple nod. You couldn't find your voice to reply to him, anyway. His mesmerizing brown orbs relieved after you let him, he sighed before starting to talk.

''I put that letter in your locker, and I added that code because I knew that you would come to me for help. I did help your friends more than once, and yes, I know that they would suggest my help. And then you came. You really came to me and it all worked out just like how I wanted. I had some doubts that you wouldn't-''

''Did you meant those words or, after learning about my secret you came out with some kind of a plan where you can easily insult me? Did you enjoy how I was terrified with it? Someone out there knows my secret and probably would spread it to everyone. Did you enjoyed how I feel miserable and... and,'' while you trying to find the right words to continue, he groaned. Start to wipe the tears from your face, you weren't aware of them fallen through your cheeks, until now.

''No. Fuck sake, Y/N. Of course, I didn't send that only to mock you.'' he was pained with what you implied, brows furrowed.

''I do like you, Y/N. I really do. I wasn't lying about having feelings for you almost four years now. I tried to find a way to talk to you, open up my feelings to you from the middle school, but I never had that courage. And how could I manage to do that exactly, look at you. You are beautiful, smart, and brightest girl in the universe. You are in the cheerleader team, everyone either loves you or wants to be you, Y/N.''

''Namjoon, stop-''

''And look at me. Who am I? The school nerd for you. I guess you can figure it out why I couldn't say it before. It's not that hard.'' he finished while panting. One of his hands left your face to scatter, pass through his hair. His words and his sullen eyes made your heart ache, itch with full of woe. You'd never imagined him like this, saying these words to himself, talking nonsense.

Yes, you didn't remember him right away or when Jungkook said that he was a 'nerd' you thought different things but looking at him, you couldn't be more wrong with your expectation of him, as well as him.

He has a large, muscular body where surrounded with broad shoulders. His brown, untamed thick hair fallen to his forehead, only to make him look more charming than already. Heart-shaped face, completed with almond-shaped dark brown eyes and plumpy lips, settled between his dimples. He could be a nerd, but he wasn't a smart one. Because no one could resist to fall for him, not to feel goosebumps on the neck and butterflies in the stomach. The one who can't resist falling for him was none other than you.

All this time, you tried to fight back with these butterflies, goosebumps, and heat on your body whenever you see him, but as one can understand you were very unskilful for this.

''Do you really like me? Me?'' you doubted. It's not that you see yourself down, or not good enough but it was because of him. You never imagined a scenario that he had feelings for you, as he always finds a way to irritate you with his mean comments and attitudes.

''I really do, Y/N.'' his shoulders slouched, lips pouted at the end of his words. He couldn't look cuter than this, even if he tries. Your heart merely starts to melt, the warm feeling filled in your stomach, as you lifted your chin up. ''You did plan all of this, knowing that I would come to you desperately and you knew that I would fall for you?'' you asked, knitting a brow.

''Y/N, I swear I never intended anything bad, how could I? I was going to say when the first time you came to me but I just couldn't, you know? I... I afraid that you would say no, and I waited for so long and I- Wait... what?'' you enjoyed while watching his face, lips taking an 'o' shape, staring bug-eyed straight at you. You tried to hold your smile back but, it was hard.

''Wait, did you just say that you fall for me?''

''You are not a smart nerd, aren't you?'' while he was still looking at you with the same silly expression, your fingers take a track to his pants, landed on his belt to pull him, but the one who moving was you. His soft chuckle singed to your ears and you didn't mind looking stupid in front of him anymore.

''Is that means you are going to come with me to the ball?'' once again, your face was cupped inside of his palms, gently caring by his thumb. You act like considering something, while he was waiting for an answer. ''Maybe, I would... if you kiss me.'' your eyes focus on his sweet pink lips, eagerly waiting for them to meet with yours.

His body slowly leans on you, face getting closer and closer while you could feel your pulse on your throat, beating jovially. And your mouth dried, fired up by the idea of his lips, touching yours. Between in a heartbeat, his smooth, wet lips touched yours, sending a shiver on your stomach, white lights burst in front of your closed eyes, as his hands moved to your waist only to pull you closer.

Your heart nearly stopped with the idea of kissing the boy who tormented you for almost two weeks, and now, you were standing on a cliff where you could see the city lights clearly, kissing while hands on each other. In a million years, you wouldn't see this coming, but it was and you felt truly happy about this. Of course, you were going to beat his ass for lying to you, and suffering you for the past weeks, but before that, you wanted to taste his lips. And you knew that kissing him once or, two times would never be enough for you, as you want to kiss him more and more right in this moment.

Unfortunately, you had to separate from him as you both needed to fresh air on your lungs. You were both panting, but wide smiles hang on your lips, and the only thing in your mind was kissing him more, again, and again.

#coycollaboration #heartsforbts #btswritingcafe #bangtanhq #houseofddaeng #btswriterscollective #btsgoldnet #bangtanarmynet #hyunglinenetwork #kim namjoon x reader #kim namjoon x y/n #namjoon fluff #namjoon angst #bts scenarios #dylanxmin

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tiernamente · 4 years ago

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5 Random Facts Tag (yes this is me doing a tag game after 87 years lol)

Thank you for the tag @billie-harper love you bub <33333 also loving the binnie icon hehe

1. I really hate writing the number ‘5′ and the letter ‘k’ [my hand just stops working for like 5 seconds before writing them]

2. on that same topic of handwriting, I originally started writing with my left hand but my mom forced me to learn to write with my right [as a result I have terrible handwriting and unfortunately, I’m not ambidextrous]

3. for the longest time I didn’t know how to speak spanish :((( my parents would speak to me in spanish but I would respond in english [lucky enough, I was eventually able to learn and practice]

4. despite having had so many dogs growing up, I’m not super crazy about them [ugh I know I’m a monster but I really dig cats and birds]

5. I don’t like super hot showers, my showers are either lukewarm or on the cooler range [bruh my body do be a furnace sometimes and I don’t find the appeal of baths] Tagging: @yoondowoonn @day6andetcetera @bald-sungjin @astronautke @kiwipitupandstir @wonpeeler (and anyone else that wants to! I forget urls so I’m sorry for missing peeps)

#haha to write with my right #i hate english #sigh #yes this is me calling out some of the myday crew #thank you for listening #about me #tagging game

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bazypitchandsimonsnow · 6 years ago

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Watford Cove

Chapter 5: not so typical love song

Rating: T

Genre: Fluff/Angst

Word count: 5365

Chapter: 5/13 [All chapters]

Summary: Baz goes to Simon's house to work on the project.

Read on AO3

AN: So as some of you may know/remember, I work at an amusement park. I was supposed to work today but it's literally raining all day so the park is most certainly closed. Which means I can post early! Hooray! This is personally one of my favourite chapters. I enjoyed writing it quite a bit, though I had trouble writing Baz's emotions. The boy is a weird self destructive mess and it's difficult getting that across lol. Finally, we learn a bit more about Simon. Plus some fluff, of course. Hope you all like it!

Tagging: @wayward-son-61 @lunar-lover394

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“Where are you going?”

I lazily turn towards Mordelia. She’s standing next to me with her arms behind her back, rocking on her heels. The picture of an adorable, unassuming child. You can hardly tell she's a brat.

“Out,” I reply.

“Mum says you go out too much.”

I do feel a bit bad about that. Daphne does legitimately care about my well being. “Well, you can tell her I’m not going out drinking. She can stop worrying.”

“Drinking what?”

I sigh. Right, she is still seven years old. “Nevermind. I’m just going to do schoolwork at someone’s house. I might be home for supper or not, I don’t know.”

“Okay. When can I ride on your motorbike?”

I smirk and buckle up my helmet. “Let's wait until you can reach the pedals. Then we’ll talk.”

Mordelia pouts pathetically. I ruffle her hair, which only makes her pout become an impressive scowl. I flip down my visor with flare and rev my engine. I give Mordelia a salute before driving off down the country road.

Simon’s house isn’t that far from mine, actually. Maybe a twenty minute ride, the way I break the speeding laws. I zip down the hill at ludicrous speeds, and keep that pace up across the country roads until they become moderately paved. Soon I’m on the sparse outskirts of Watford Cove, not the bloody fucking wilderness like mine. A much nicer place to live in my opinion.

Only a few minutes in, I arrive at the address Simon texted me. The house is actually quite posh. It’s not the terrible extravagance of the Pitch mansion of course, but it’s nice. Red brick, white shutters, some fancy curtains. There's a silver mailbox at the end of the drive with "Salisbury" painted on it in annoyingly bright green letters. The handwriting looks childish, as in a child probably wrote it. The initials "LS" are under the words like an artist's signature. Hm, interesting.

I park my bike in the driveway then make my way to the oak door. The doorbell chimes deep and loud. There’s some steps and soon it swings open. Oh. This is...not Simon. Because Simon is not an older greying-blonde woman.

This woman reminds me of portraits my own grandmother. She was also tall, straight backed, and respectful looking. But my grandmother never showed an ounce of happiness. This woman has a very kind smile on her face though, her wrinkles more from the expression rather than age.

“Hello,” she says kindly. “May I help you?”

“Um, I’m here to see Simon.”

Both her blue eyes and smile widen. “Oh right, Simon said you were coming. Simon! Your friend is here!”

There’s a crashing sound, like someone falling on the ground. Rapid steps come down the stairs until a beaming Simon jumps to the bottom.

“Hi Baz,” he says breathlessly. “Glad you found it.”

“I have Google Maps, Salisbury,” I deadpan, but with a smirk.

“Oh yeah, right, let’s go.” He motions for me to follow him inside. I nod to the woman. She looks up towards the stairs, hands on her hips.

“Simon,” she says with mock accusation, “are you not going to introduce me to your friend?”

Simon freezes halfway up the steps and whips his head around. “Oh right! Sorry, Gran. Um, Gran, this is Baz. Baz, this is my grandmother, Ruth Salisbury.”

I reach out my hand. “Pleasure to meet you, Ms. Salisbury.”

Her brows rise up in surprise. I suppose she didn’t expect politeness from a guy wearing a black Ramones shirt, leather jacket, and ear piercings. But she still takes my hand. “Pleasure to meet you as well, Baz. You two have fun.”

Simon scoffs. “It’s school, Gran. We’re not supposed to have fun.”

“School can be fun if you try, darling. Maths has made me very good at cards.”

“And you fleece Mrs. Jones every week at your games, I know. We gotta go.”

“Yes yes, go do your schoolwork. Don’t break anything.”

Simon and Ms. Salisbury smile good naturedly at each other as we go upstairs. He runs at a breakneck pace, nearly tripping over the green carpet. I follow more slowly, looking over the walls. Unlike my house, there are many personalised things. Landscape art, funny knick knacks, and some pictures. There’s one of Ms. Salisbury with an older man, who I assume to be her husband. Next to that, there’s the couple again but in their younger years. A boy and girl stand in the foreground, both as blonde as Ms. Salisbury. The last one at the top of the stairs is obviously the two kids as teenagers, grinning with arms around each other. The woman looks weirdly familiar. Her freckles, they remind me of...stars.

“Baz, c’mon!” Simon yells.

“Yes, yes, I’m coming. You’re quite bossy today, darling,” I say teasingly. I hear his gasp, then fall into a coughing fit.

“I-I just want to start working.” His voice is still a bit hoarse.

“Alright.”

I saunter down to the hall Simon went down. I step into his room, and...well, I’m not sure what else I expected. The bed and desk look old, but everything else is new. The floral blanket, the multicoloured rug, the IKEA shelf filled with comics, all quite fresh. The walls are bright blue and covered in posters. Troye Sivan, Lana del Ray, Hayley Kiyoko, and assorted pastel coloured art. Equally pastel clothes are spread out across the floor. The whole room is so...bright. It sort of hurts my eyes. I’d prefer everything a bit darker. I guess I like Simon’s colour palette in small doses, just not all in one room.

I look up. Simon’s at his desk. I finally notice that he’s wearing a new shirt. It’s like the sunflower one, but pink and with bright red rosebuds instead. It works with the copper undertones of his hair. He looks perfect in it.

“Pretty,” I whisper.

“What?” Simon asks sweetly.

Fuck, I hope my face isn’t as red as his shirt right now. “Um, nothing.”

He looks confused for only a moment then shrugs. “Okay. I woke up late and forgot breakfast, so I'm starving. Want some of this? For brain food and stuff.” He holds up a mint aero bar. My smile is instantaneous.

“Sure. Mint aeros are my favourite.”

He grins to his ears. “Mine too!

I sit in the chair next to him. He breaks off a large piece for me. We eat the chocolate at the same time, but Simon gets some around his mouth. (Of course he's a messy eater.) I want to slowly lick it off his cheek then kiss him so hard we run out of breath. I quickly look away to resist temptation. “So, you got the project up?”

“Oh yeah!” He turns back to his laptop. I see that the desk is covered in scribbly note paper, candy wrappers, and nail polish bottles. He’s got almost every colour in his preferred pastel shade. He’s actually wearing the pink one right now. It matches his shirt. I have to keep myself from making an out loud comment again.

“So I’ve started making the powerpoint,” Simon says, bringing up the application. “And I think we should start with Watership Down. The actual place. Cause it’s like, the most important setting right?”

I bite my tongue, because I...disagree. Strongly. Watership Down should be in the middle, because it is the end of their first journey and the beginning of the next. It’s important to illustrate that, I think. But he doesn’t know I would think that.

“Sure, cool,” I mutter.

“O-Okay. Then, uh, for characters, we should start with General Woundwort.”

Wrong, very wrong. He’s important, sure, but others should be discussed first. Maybe Hazel, Bigwig, or Fiver. Fuck, Bluebell should come before Woundwort.

“Yeah, that’s fine.” I hope there isn’t a strain in my voice.

“Awesome! And I thought for analysis, we could talk about the archetypes and shit.”

No! Archetypes are Jungian! We’re supposed to do Freudian! Oh, fuck it.

“Give me that,” I hiss, snatching the laptop away. Simon blinks at me confused. I type furiously, barely thinking really, just spouting out the knowledge I have onto the slides. Some of the stuff is very smart but not well put, so I redo the wording. Not good with words, just like Simon said. I don’t know how long it takes, but when I’m done, I put the laptop back on the desk with my arms crossed.

“There,” I say curtly.

Simon looks through it, jaw falling open wider and wider with every slide. I shift away. Christ, this is embarrassing.

“Holy shit,” Simon whispers. I wait for him to start laughing, or yelling because I change his work. But he just turns to me with big awe filled eyes. “You’re...really smart.”

My cheeks must be as red as tomatoes now. I scoff and look at the Hayley Kiyoko poster. “Yeah, whatever.”

“No, no, I mean it, Baz. This is bloody brilliant! You’re super smart!” His brow furrows. “Why do you never show up to class? You could be getting As in like, everything.”

I press my lips together, digging my nails into my bicep. “I don’t care about school or grades. That’s all.”

“Really? You just, don’t care?”

“No, I don’t.”

Simon sighs, and I hate how close to pity it sounds. I don’t need his pity or anyone else’s. I made my choice a long time ago, and I don’t regret it. Well, I mostly don’t regret it. Certainly don’t regret because of where I’m going when term is done. Not at all...

“So, uh,” Simon says rapidly, obviously trying to break the forming tension, “I'm also mostly done the drawings. I’ll scan them later and put them in the presentation if you like them.”

He pulls out a sketchbook from his desk and flips through the pages. He shoves it in my face once he’s found the right one, making me jolt back in my chair. I snatch it from him.

“Christ, Salisbury, let me actually look,” I chuckle.

“Oh, sorry, sorry.”

I look at the picture, and it’s my turn to be awestruck. It’s...amazing. Rough, raw, a bit messy, but amazing. He’s captured Watership Down in just pencil. Sure, it’s just a hill, but Simon has drawn it from the perspective of the rabbits, so it looks looming and majestic. There are little shapes at the top, and I realise it’s a few of the rabbits looking out into the distance. A cute and perfect addition.

“Wow, this is incredible,” I say with absolute reverence.

Simon blinks at me. He seems genuinely surprised. “R-Really?”

“Yes. You’re very talented, Simon.”

“Oh, uh, well, thanks. I’m...really glad you think so.” He fiddles with his fingers nervously. “There’s a-a couple more if you want to see them. Three pages after.”

I flip through a few more pages. There are a lot of rough, abstract sketches. They look more like feelings than specific things. Waves of smoke, angry scribbles of pencil, over and over. He must do that a lot. Eventually, I land on what I think I'm supposed to see. It's obviously Fiver, based on the photo he showed me. But it's not an exact replica. It's a gorgeous interpretation. He's emphasized Fiver's large, sad, all knowing eyes. You can almost see everything terrifying and wonderful happening in them. To say I’m impressed doesn’t really cover it.

I go to the next page, and I immediately recognise it as a scene from the animated movie. When El Ahrairah, the first rabbit, was given physical gifts to survive predators from their fictitious god Frith. This one is in colour, and somehow even more stylised than the movie. El Ahrairah himself is a deep rich brown with grey loops, the sun is swirl of orange and yellow, and the sky is ripples of vibrant blue. The same colour as his eyes.

“These,” I say, “are perfect, Simon.”

Simon chuckles nervously, fiddling with his fingers. “I’m glad you think so. Think Miss Possibelf will approve?”

“If she doesn’t, she’s completely incompetent. And I don’t think that’s true.” I absentmindedly turn to the next page. It’s the start of another unfinished drawing. It’s of someone’s face. Someone with sharp cheekbones and dark wavy hair. Wait, is that-

Simon snatches the book and quickly flips it closed. He hides half his scarlet face behind the leather cover for a long moment, until he nervously coughs and lowers it. “Okay, good,” he stutters. “Glad you think so. I, uh, guess we’re done now. Man, we really could just do most of this over text.” Mother of God, must he keep doing that hair tuck? It’s torture.

“I suppose that's true," I chuckle.

"Wanna hang out?" He asks very quickly, gripping his sketchbook with ghost white knuckles.

I shouldn't. Fuck, I really shouldn't. I should go home, avoid him, keep my toxic self far away from Simon. But fucking hell, I'm weak for this boy, and just weak in general.

"Sure." My voice stays impressively neutral. "Any ideas?"

Simon twists his lips, looking around the brightly coloured room. His eyes drift down to my hands and he smiles mischievously. “I could redo your nails.”

I look down at my hands. Well, my nails are definitely chipped. I forgot to repaint them a few days ago. I look back at him with a raised brow. “I doubt you have a bottle of my ‘Chanel Le Vernis in Gris Obscur’, Salisbury.”

“Nah, definitely no Chanel. But I got some pretty good stuff from the drugstore.” He lifts up some obviously cheap but pretty nail varnish bottles. They’re all his pastels colours though.

“Not really my style.”

He shrugs. “Maybe you’d like to try something new?”

I bite the corner of my mouth. The colours hurt my eyes a bit. But he looks so adorable with that hopeful grin and glint in his eyes. I sigh, and put my left hand out. “Very well. I want your darkest shade though.”

Simon literally bounces with excitement. “Awesome! So, uh, how about...” He messes around with the bottles, almost dropping a few. Eventually he settles on a pale blue. “This one, and,” he holds up a unused looking dark grey, “this one? We can alternate.”

“Hm, sure. That grey doesn’t really match your style, though.”

He shrugs. “Eh, came with the set. Glad it did. It, uh, matches your eyes.” He looks pointedly at the desk instead of my face. That’s good though. I don’t want him to see the blush that’s spread across my cheeks. “Now gimme your right hand.”

I do as he says, placing it on the desk. He puts down some paper towel then pick up his nail polish remover and cotton balls. I have the exact same supplies at home. He reaches towards my hand, but quickly hesitates. He’s shaking actually. I can’t blame him. Every time we’ve touched, it’s been accidental or very quickly. This is different. This isn't a shoulder pat or playful shove. This is long and sustained and purposeful. And I may not be showing it, but I’m just as nervous.

“I can take it off myself,” I say quickly, reaching for the bottle. But Simon pulls it away.

“No no, I’m good. Just sit there and look...badass, alright?”

My lip twitches up. He’s so sweet. I leave my hand where it is. “Very well.”

Slowly, shakily, he slips his finger under mine. His skin is callused but still much smoother than my rough palms. It feels weird, but very nice. Almost electric. He dabs the cotton ball on the nail, rubbing off all my high end black nail polish. Huh, they look odd. it’s been awhile since my nails have been clean. After wiping them dry, he starts on with the blue. It’s a nice colour. Not something I would pick, but I can see the appeal. Simon drags the brush against my nail slowly but surely, making sure the coat is even.

“Hm,” I say, “you’re good at this.”

“Thanks,” he chuckles. “Self taught. A lot of trial and error, y’know? Took me ages to figure out how to do my right hand.”

“I learned from YouTube videos. Those makeup gurus know their shit.”

“Huh, smart. Oh, y’know what.” He stops painting and spins in his chair. Even with his back to me, I now he’s fiddling with his phone. Suddenly, the honeyed voice of Lana Del Rey is resonating through the room. He spins back with a grin.

“Your weird music is necessary?” I raise an eyebrow for sarcastic emphasis. Simon chuckles.

“Yeah, helps me concentrate. And it’s part of my continuing effort to convert you to good music.”

“Oh, is that your grand mission?”

“Yup! Slowly pull you away from all those screamy boys with bad haircuts and towards the beauty of Troye and Lana.”

I scoff. “You keep trying that, darling.”

He gives me a shy but sort of playful look from under his long eyelashes. “I certainly will...darling.”

Oh shit. I hope my complexion hides my blush enough. I smile back and try to look calm, hiding the storm in my chest.

We switch between chatting and companionable silence. Though Simon is never truly quiet. He hums along with the song, or makes noises of contemplation and frustration while trying to get my nails right. His hands slowly get less shaky, which helps. When we’re not talking, I take the opportunity to just watch his expression. How he sticks his tongue out in concentration, and his brow pulls together, and his face adorable pinches together when he gets something wrong. He always tries his best to fix it though, even with his clumsy fingers. It’s really sweet. Just like him.

I'm so unbelievably fucked.

“And...there!” He pulls back with a flourish. “Topcoat and everything. What do you think?”

I examine my hands. Huh, the blue is actually nice on me. And he’s right, the grey matches my eyes. It’s very well done. Maybe black isn’t the only colour I should use. I look up. Simon is staring at me wide eyed, chewing on his lip, leg jittering.

“It’s wonderful,” I say. “You did a marvelous job, Salisbury. Maybe you have a future as a nail artist.”

His nervous expression breaks, thankfully. I’ve found I prefer his grin to his genuine agitation. Blushing smile? Adorable. Wide eyed leg jittering? Not so much. “T-Thanks. Maybe...you could do mine sometime?”

Our eyes meet, and there’s no deception there. He’s always so genuine. It’s amazing. “Sure," I say before thinking. "If you can learn to like black.”

She shrugs. “Well, if you can learn to like blue, I guess I can try black.”

He grins, and I grin back. There’s a stretch of silence. It builds between us, making the air thicker and thicker. I’m torn between what I want to say and what I should. That I want more from this, more than just winks and smiles and “darlings”. But I know it can’t work. Simon should know that. I should tell him, all of it. But...he'll hate me. For not telling him about Switzerland, for using him like a plaything, for being an utterly stupid reckless prick. Can I handle him truly hating me?

“Simon, love! It’s nearly supper! Are you and Baz done your work?” Ms. Salisbury’s voice carries quite well. It jolts me from my depressive pit. Simon sighs and leans out towards the door.

“Yeah! Be down in a minute, Gran.” He looks at me, and I swear I see genuine sadness. “Looks like it’s time to say goodbye.”

I try to hide my own disappointment. “Yeah, looks like it.”

He bounces out of his chair, then offers his hand. I inhale sharply. Did not expect that. But after only a second of hesitation, I take it. He pulls me to my feet with ease. I’m still disturbed by how much his strength excites me.

“C’mon, let’s get you back on your motorbike, Pitch.”

“Should get you on it one day,” I say under my breath.

“What?”

I straighten up, hands in my jacket pockets. “Nothing, Salisbury.”

We walk down the stairs quickly. Well, Simon more jumps down them. He’s a never ending ball of energy. Ms. Salisbury is at the bottom.

“How was the work, you two?” she asks sweetly.

“Wonderful!” Simon chirps. “Talked about bunnies and stuff, and Baz let me do his nails.”

My brow shoots up to my hairline. I can’t believe he’s so open about this. If I told my father or Daphne the same, they would not say anything at best and lecture me at worst. But Ms. Salisbury looks positively elated by Simon��s words. “Oh, marvellous. Finally you can practice on someone other than me, love.”

Simon rolls his eye. “Yeah, like you don’t like it.”

“Of course. But it’s good you have another guinea pig. May I see your work?”

Simon looks at me in silent question. I shrug in response, then hold out my hand for his grandmother. She flips the glasses down from her head. “Amazing job, Simon. You’ve gotten so much better. And it looks great on you, Baz.”

“Thank you, Ms. Salisbury.”

She pulls away, waving dismissively. “Please, call me Ruth. Now, Baz, will you be staying for dinner?”

“Uh.” I turn to Simon. “Am I staying for dinner, Simon?”

Simon’s face turns red. “Oh, sure, if you want.”

I shrug. “I’m certainly in no rush to get home, and if it’s no trouble.”

“Oh it’s none at all,” Ms. Salis- Ruth says, waving her hand dismissively.

“Then I guess I’ll stay for supper.”

Ruth claps her hand once loudly. “Wonderful! Let me put out another setting.”

She saunters off to the kitchen. I decide to actually take off my jacket and boots and stay awhile. Simon leans in close to my ear, making my pulse spike.

“Hope you like roast beef,” he whispers. “It’s the only thing Gran knows how to cook well. Grandpa was a chef, and she’s been on her own since he died, so she’s never had to cook anything else. But she’s been learning more since I’ve got here.”

I shrug like he does. “I think I’ll live.”

“Good to hear.”

Simon leads me to the small dining room table. When I go to the left side, Simon grabs my hand and drags me to the right. I jolt slightly. Wow, that’s bold for him. Not that I’m complaining. I sit next to him as Ruth brings out a platter of delicious smelling meat and mash potatoes. Simon immediately shovels the food on his plate, licking his lips like a starving animal. I on the other hand take only a few slices delicately just like my mother taught me. But Ruth gives me an odd look.

“Are you not hungry, Baz?” she asks.

“Um, no, I am,” I reply slowly.

“Then please, take as much as you like. I always make a lot because of Simon’s endless appetite.”

Simon rolls his eyes, speaking with a mouth full of roast beef. “I’m a growing boy!”

“Growing monster more like it,” Ruth chuckles.

Huh, okay. I decide to be polite and take some more. Dinner proper starts, and it's...weird. My family is never this talkative at supper. We’re mostly silent and sullen. But the Salisburies are the exact opposite. Ruth and Simon chat, though Simon has trouble responding through all the the food in his mouth. (The boy has zero manners. It’s adorable.)

“So, Baz,” Ruth asks, facing me, “how’s school for you? I’ve only ever heard about it from Simon and Miss Penelope.”

No one’s ever asked my opinion of school either. I shrug. “It’s alright. Not my favourite place to be, of course. I think English is my favourite subject.” I tap Simon’s foot under the table. His breath hitches slightly, and he flashes me only a small smile. But it’s enough.

“Glad to hear so. Simon loves English too. He’s always eager to get to first period for Miss Possibelf’s class every morning.”

I flick my eyes over to Simon. His cheeks are flushed as he bites into his roast beef.

“Hm, glad to hear I’m not the only one who loves literature.” I let my voice drawl a bit, hopefully enough for Simon to notice but not Ruth. He doesn’t look up from his food, but I feel his toe tap my foot. And once again, it’s enough. Everything Simon does seems to be enough for me.

“I’m just glad Simon’s adjusting to Watford,” Ruth sighs. “It’s not easy moving schools most of the way through the year.”

Simon sighs in return. They sound almost exactly alike. Though Simon is more exasperated. “I told you, Gran, I’m fine. My grades are much better than last term.”

“There’s a good reason for that.” Ruth aggressively stabs her beef, and Simon looks sad as he nods slightly. This is the only crack in Ruth's kind demeanour I’ve seen all day. It’s strange, and the curious brainiac in me wants to know more. But the sensible part knows to just keep eating my food.

“Hey,” Simon chirps, “did I tell you about the kid who gave himself a wedgie in gum class yet?”

Ruth’s playful smile immediately returns. “No, I don’t believe you have.”

“Oh man, it was hilarious! Baz you’ll love this too.”

I lean my cheek into my palm. “I’m sure I will.”

Simon launches into the rambling anecdote, using mostly weird noises and illustrative hand gestures instead of words. Ruth and I both laugh along genuinely. This is the first time I’ve enjoyed a family meal in ages. It may be unusual, but it’s certainly not unenjoyable.

Soon enough, dinner is over, and Ruth brings out dessert. They’re sour cherry scones from Pritchard Bakery. Simon takes three immediately and starts slathering butter all over them.

“You like scones?” I ask mockingly.

Simon nods, scone crumbs all around his mouth. “Uh-huh. Gran got me some my first day here. They’re absolutely incredible.”

“My cousin owns the bakery, you know.”

His eyes go impossibly wide. “Really?! Could you get me some free samples?”

I shrug, a playful smile on my face. “Maybe.”

“Simon, you eat enough, you don’t need any more,” Ruth kindly berates. Simon frowns.

“There’s never enough scones, Gran.”

Ruth and I exchange an understanding look. Maybe I will bring him to see Cousin Pritchard before I go though. Something to make him happy before I’m gone.

Soon enough, Simon’s eaten all the scones, the dishes are done, and it’s my time to go. I’m a gentleman, I know when to take my leave. Simon and Ruth walk me out of the house.

“It was lovely having you, Baz,” Ruth says. And I have to admit, I’m a bit taken aback. Most parents and/or guardians aren’t this friendly to me. Dev and Niall’s parents barely acknowledge my existence nowadays, and they’ve known me since I was a baby. It’s a warm feeling I never thought I’d miss.

“Thank you for having me, Ruth,” I reply, smiling graciously.

“Anytime. Simon, feel free to invite him over again.”

Simon smiles sweetly at me, cheeks unabashedly scarlet. “Yeah, okay. Maybe we should meet up before the presentation on Wednesday?”

I nod, hoping my cheeks aren’t as bright. “I think I’d like that.”

Because I would. I regretfully very much would.

“Awesome! See you later!”

My lip twitches up without thinking. “See you.”

I get my helmet on. I don’t rev my engine as loud as usual to be respectful. Simon waves with his entire arm, while Ruth’s looks more like the queen. I salute in return. (That seems to be my thing now. I’ve embraced it.)

As I drive back towards my home, my mind stays with the Salisburies. With nail polish, roast beef, and a sense of peaceful happiness that lingers in me long after the house is in the distance.

I get to the Pitch hill and just sit there, looking up at the looming little bastard. I know what I’m supposed to do. Go back to all the misery there. But fuck that. I turn to the left, not back towards Simon’s, but at least somewhere my father isn’t. Somewhere I can keep this feeling for a little longer. And maybe get really pissed.

———————————————-

“Basilton! Where have you been?!”

If I didn’t already have a migraine, I’d assume my father’s voice had just given me one. Going on a two day bender will do that to you. I stop walking but don’t turn around. Honestly, I look like a wreck right now, and I don’t want him to see it.

“Away,” I say curtly.

“Away where?! We haven’t seen you in days! No calls, no mail. We’ve been worried sick!”

I groan and turn on my heels finally. To my utter surprise, he looks genuinely concerned. His eyes are wide and his hair is disheveled, like he’s been running his hands through it. Huh. Actually worried about where I’ve been. That’s a first.

“Well, I’m home now,” I sigh. “Happy?”

“Certainly not.” He puts his hands on his hips like a pissed off school teacher. “I’ve been getting calls from your school. You’ve missed almost all of your classes, including tests and projects. I thought we had an agreement.”

I whip around, scowling with as much menace as I can muster with a hangover. “No, you gave me an ultimatum. And I refuse to be threatened into doing what you want, Father dearest.”

I start stomping away again, but we Grimms refuse to not have the last word. “Are you sure you haven’t just been...distracted, Basilton?”

I stop halfway up the stairs. The tone of his voice could imply many things, but I have a sinking feeling I know what he means. I chuckle, shaking my head. “Daphne told you about Tuesday, I suppose.”

“That you brought a boy over to our house without our knowledge? Yes. And I find it a bit disrespectful that-”

“That I what?!” I yell, probably louder than I should, considering it’s late at night and I have four younger siblings. “Dare to be gay?! Sorry it’s harder to ignore my sexuality when I’m actually acting on it.”

My father takes a deep breath, something he always does when he’s trying to keep his slipping composure. “Basilton, that is not what I meant.”

“Oh really? So you’re actually okay with me bringing guys around? Maybe I’ll start having big gay nightclub parties in the receiving room.”

I can see my father losing his cool. Bit by bit, his perfect British man composure is slipping. It’s the effect I certainly have these days. “That would not be appropriate, Basil. And I merely meant that maybe this ‘Simon’ is distracting you from your studies and causing your poor grades.”

For a second, I don’t know whether to laugh or be furious. Fire bubbles in my gut, my fingers curling on the bannister. Yup, let’s go with righteous fury. I stomp down the stairs and push my face into his.

“No,” I growl, “Simon is not at fault. You are. You are the catalyst for all the things I’m doing now, Your bullheadedness, your pride, your prejudi-”

“Oh for God’s sake, Basil!” He roars. “For once in your life take some goddamn responsibility for your own actions!”

I step back a bit. I haven’t seen him this outwardly angry in a year, but he’s practically seething. If he was the kind of man to throw a punch, he would have just clocked me. But instead he just stares me down in an attempt to intimidate. That won’t work.

“Fuck you,” I mutter, turning on my heels and stomping towards the door.

“Where are you going?” he calls after me.

“Out!” I turn to glare at him. “And I’ll be back when I feel like it!”

I make sure to slam the door very loudly, hoping my message is clear. I know exactly where I want to go. And who I want to see.

———————————————-

AN: Is Baz being a total brat here? Yes. Is his bratiness sorta justified? Also yes. Things are complicated. And finally we meet Ruth! I loved reading everyone's comments speculating about Simon's home life cause this was planned from the start lol. But why is Simon living with Ruth? Well, that will be explained shortly. Tune in next time for answers :)

Chapter title is from "Alfie's Song" by Bleachers.

#carry on #snowbaz #simon snow #baz pitch #ruth salisbury #fluff #angst #punk/pastel #mysnowbazfanfic

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givemearmstopraywith · 6 years ago

Note

4, 6, 7, 17, 19, 20, 23, 29, 49, 55, 62, 64, 80, 84, 88, 98 (yeah it's a Lot lol sorry)

answers under the cut, thank you for asking so many- it’s been a wonderful distraction!!

send me a number!

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you? hilariously, I was homeschooled by my mother from preschool until i finished high school. i think her report cards described me as “very smart and excels when she applies herself, but easily distractible” or something like that. lmao

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear? somewhere between boho and grunge i think. i like lots of florals and colours like yellow and red but i also have a lot of flannel.

7. earbuds or headphones? earbuds because i spent too much time in bed and i can’t lay on my side with headphones on lol

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes? vegan doc martens!

19. sleeping position? i have chronic and crippling insomnia so usually i sleep on my side but lately it’s whatever i can get tbh

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)? i write poetry and journal in a moleskine but i wrote fiction on my laptop. i find handwritten poetry is better, but i skimp on my diction when i handwrite fiction.

23. strange habits? hmm….i’m addicted to carbonated water, i obsessively fix my hair, and i use music as soundtracks to certain moods or emotions instead of like…actually having those emotions. i’m not sure if these are strictly habits but they are sort of strange.

29. best way to bond with you? tell me about yourself!! i love hearing people talk about themselves or the things that they’re interested in, i’m obsessed with human experience and the best feeling for me is when someone trusts me enough to tell me about themselves beyond that surface level of small talk. i just genuinely love people.

49. what saying or quote do you live by? “i believe in love” (from both 100 years by florence + the machine and into my arms by nick cave and the bad seeds) and jack kerouac’s letter about staying soft!

55. favorite fairy tale? not totally a fairy tale, but there’s an old west yorkshire folk story about God and the devil placing bets over the souls in the valley below- i can’t find it online unfortunately but i love that story.

62. seven characters you relate to? oh man this is probably going to make me seem terrible… sansa stark from a song of ice and fire, eowyn from lord of the rings, takeshi kovacs from altered carbon, klaus hargreeves from the umbrella academy, kylo ren from star wars, camilla from the secret history, eleanor webb from byzantium.

64. favorite website from your childhood? either the old barbie website from the early 2000s or this educational site called funbrain (i used to read diary of a wimpy kid on there in like 2004)

80. earth tones or jewel tones? earth tones!

84. podcasts or talk radio? i don’t listen to either very much because i’m hearing impaired but if i had to choose- talk radio. (i know too many white boys with english majors who want to start podcasts and it’s made me Afraid)

88. your greatest wish? oof probably to own my own home, be financially stable, and very happy in a place that isn’t where i currently live. that’s very depressing but it’s true.

98. favorite historical era? definitely the industrial age- from like 1780 to 1918. before i switched to doing a single major in literature i was going to study northern englush industrial history but they really don’t like women in that field apparently so i just gave up.

#replies #ask meme #betterlookoutbelow

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masterofmunson · 7 years ago

Text

call out my name [b.barnes]

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: You promised him that you were bruised and not broken. You didn’t account for the demons that would follow hot on your heels. Déjá vu part 2.

Warnings: ptsd is mentioned, panic attacks, self loathing, brief mentions of nudity & sex (it’s innocent), fluff, crying, pure angst, you’re going to hate me. feel free to yell at me lol

Word Count: 5.3k+

DÉJÁ VÙ

You stare at the bare ceiling. You’re covered in sweat and your own tears. Your shoulders tremble and you try your best not to shake the bed. Bucky was sleeping soundly, his profile facing your side of the bed. His flesh arm lays on your stomach subconsciously and you’re trying not to have another panic attack that wakes him up. He always knew when you were starting to panic, even if you were silent.

You squeeze your eyes shut. Tears leak out of the corners of your eyes and you’re finding it harder to breathe. You’re trying to remember the exercises Bucky and Sam have been trying to teach you in order to deal with your PTSD, but you always insisted you were fine. Now it’s coming back to bite you in the ass.

“Baby?” he grumbles into his pillow, starting to wake up from his slumber. You take a deep breath in, resting your hands on your face. You’re doing your best not to move or make a sound. The last thing you wanted to do was wake him. He already had enough sleeping problems. He didn’t need you adding onto them. He deserved a decent night’s sleep.

He gently moves his hand up your body. It’s gentle and affectionate. He’s trying to calm you down. “What five things can you see, baby?” he whispers gently, pressing his metal fingers to your sides.

You take a labored breath in, closing your eyes briefly before opening them again. “The window, the bathroom door, the ceiling, the closet door, and the bookcase,” you sniffed, letting a few stray tears fall down your cheeks and into your pillow.

“What are four things you can feel?”

“Your fingers, the blankets, my pillow, and the shirt I’m wearing,” you breathe a little easier.

“Good,” he squeezes you gently. “What are three things you can hear?” he murmurs.

You take a slow deep breath in, closing your eyes. “The cars outside, the fan, and your metal arm.”

“How about two things you can taste?”

“My tears and the tea you made me before we went to bed,” you mumble. Your breathing is starting to return to normal and your shoulders aren’t trembling anymore.

“What about one thing you can smell?”

“You,” you whispered. “I can smell you.”

Bucky smells like love and comfort. He’s patient and kind. He doesn’t make you feel like a burden. He makes you feel safe and loved, even if neither of you have said it yet. You know he loves you.

“Good, baby,” he encourages gently, “you’re doing so good.”

“I’m sorry,” you cry softly. “I didn’t want to wake you. You already have a hard time sleeping anyways and you don’t need me to add onto it and—”

“Y/n,” he interrupts you. His voice is soft but firm. It’s not enough to startle or trigger you. “It’s okay. Please don’t apologize. I’m your boyfriend, I like taking care of you.”

“I don’t want to burden you,” you confess. “It’s been seven months and it still feels like it’s been seven days. What I went through is nothing like what you went through the past 70 years.”

“Hey,” he quietly chastises you. He sits up, turning on the lamp on his side of the bed before pulling you into his lap. His fingers dip underneath your shirt, moving softly against your bare skin. Your loose tank top falls off your shoulder and he presses his mouth gently against the scar tissue on your shoulder from your time as prisoner. “You are not a burden, Y/n. What happened to you was terrible. Don’t compare what you went through to what I went through. You’re a normal citizen and you went through something no one should have to go through.”

You take a shaky breath in. A set of tears slips past your eyes. You glance down into your lap. “You didn’t deserve to go through it either,” you mutter back.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” he concedes nodding his head, “but I wouldn’t have met you if I hadn’t gone through all of that would I?”

His words nag the back of the brain. He already met a version of you that he tried so desperately to get back. Guilt festers inside him, but letting Millie go seemed almost impossible. He loved her too much, but he loved you too. He was just too scared to tell you.

You roll your eyes, a smile sneaking through. “Oh, please. I’m not that special. There’s plenty of other boring girls like me out there.”

He frowns, squeezing your cheeks. “Of course you’re special. Why would I be with you if you were a boring blob? I lo—”

“Miss. Y/l/n, your presence is being requested in the medbay,” FRIDAY interrupts, cutting him off.

You sigh, resting your forehead against his. Bucky’s fingers dip underneath your shirt and he squeezes your sides. Your mouth finds his in a soft tender kiss and his arms wrap around your torso. “Time to go get my Happy Pill,” you sigh, swinging your legs off the bed and hobbling to the dresser.

You dress in loose sweatpants and one of Bucky’s worn Henley’s. Slipping on a pair of comfy gym shoes, you turn back to face Bucky and place a soft kiss on his lips. “See you later, James,” you mumble softly before hurrying out the door.

He lays in bed, staring at the bare ceiling, listening to the fan. Bucky almost told you that he loved you. He should see it as a good thing, as a stepping stone for moving on from Millie, but he doesn’t. He’s not suppose to love you. He’s suppose to love Millie, and he needs to bring her back. He needs you to remember who you really are.

He sighs, letting out a loud groan. Sitting up, he rubs his tired face and gets ready for the day. Slipping on a pair of running shorts and a t-shirt and stuffing his feet into a pair of gym shoes.

Walking out of your shared room, he jogs to the common room where Steve and Natasha wait for him before they go off on their daily run.

“She had another panic attack,” Bucky sighs as they reach the grounds of the compound, starting their run. “I hate seeing her so terrified. She’s changed so much since I rescued her. I just wish there was a way where I could take it all from her. She doesn’t deserve it.”

Natasha glances at him, sending him a side eye as they reach the path leading into the forest. “Have you told her about Millie, Bucky?” she asks as they run on the path. He doesn’t answer. “Bucky!” she hisses. “You’ve been with her for what, seven months and you still haven’t told her about your dead ex girlfriend who looks like her?”

Bucky growls at Natasha. “Millie isn’t dead. She’s just stuck. I’m trying to get her out.”

Natasha rolls her eyes. “Millie died in 1952 from tuberculosis, Bucky. Give it up or you’re going to lose Y/n.”

He wasn’t going to.

Back at the compound, you grab your pills and have a session with your therapist before going to eat breakfast. Sam joins you at the counter and you smile softly at him, taking a scoop of your cereal.

“Hey, Sam?” you call out to him, looking over at him. He hums in response, encouraging you to continue. “Can you teach me how to fight?”

He glances at you. “I already did,” he responds.

You shake your head. He hadn’t. “No. You just taught me how to defend myself. You didn’t teach me any offensive moves. I want to learn how to fight.”

He concedes. “Okay, okay,” he sighs. “Meet me in the training room in 20 minutes.”

You grin at him, kissing his cheek before running back to your bedroom to change into better training clothes. You hurry to the closet and dig through boxes of clothes that you haven’t touched in months.

Your eyes scan the boxes on the ground and stop on a box that doesn’t belong to you, but to Bucky. The name MILLIE is scribbled on the box in his messy handwriting in big bold lettering.

You know you shouldn’t open it. It’s not yours to look inside of. It’s Bucky’s. It’s an invasion of privacy, but there’s no harm in peeking right? You just happened to come across it while looking for your own clothes.

Crossing your legs, you pull the box into your lap and push the flaps back, digging into the box. Pulling out a worn scrapbook, your fingers run over the cover. Tugging open the first page, your eyes widen in shock.

On the first page, there’s a small paragraph on the front. Written in beautiful cursive is To my dearest Bucky, I love you with my whole heart. May you look at this book and be reminded just how much I love you. Yours forever, Mills.

You swallow hard, you figured he had someone before the war. He just hadn’t told you about her. You figured it was only because he didn’t want to hurt your feelings or that he had moved on and there was no reason for him to tell you about her. He loved you.

Your fingers push the page onto the next one and you take a sharp inhale. The pictures were old and grainy, but they were clear as day. They were pictures of you and Bucky. Your hair was a lot longer. Your skin clearer. Eyes brighter.

You shake your head. You close your eyes, Mike’s words ring in your ear.

“You really think you matter to them? The only reason you’re around is because of who you look like.”

His voice is loud and ugly. It sends you into a panic. You can’t breathe. You don’t want to believe it. You can’t believe it. Bucky loved you. You. You.

He loved your quirks. He loved your personality. He loved your heart. He loved your soul… right?

He never told you he loved you, but you knew he did. He was better with his actions than in his words.

He made you your coffee almost every morning with plenty of cream and sugar without you having to ask. He gave you your much needed space in the weeks after your rescue. Although he had missed your embrace and your soft kisses, he was patient—because he loved you. He murmured songs in your ear to put you back to sleep once you calmed down from a nightmare. He grounded you whenever you were having a panic attack. He loved you. He had to.

Panic washes over you. You’re trying not to let Mike’s words haunt you. You had been doing so well. You didn’t want him getting to you again. He was lying to you, an attempt to get under your skin and break your spirit. He hadn’t when he was alive and you didn’t want him to when he was long dead.

You know you should stop while you’re ahead. The scrapbook was hard enough to look at, but you can’t help it. You’re dying to know what else is inside the box.

You pull out loose photographs, trinkets, and numerous love letters. Your chest aches with every item you hold and read. Your fingers clasp a small black box. You know without opening it what rests inside the box, but you open it anyways, finding a beautiful diamond ring. You close it just as fast as you open it.

Your throat burns. You can’t breathe. Tears prick at the back of your eyes. Your chest is heavy and your eyes gloss over.

“Miss. Y/n, Sargent Barnes is looking for you,” FRIDAY interrupts your raging thoughts and you swallow the lump in your throat. You scramble to put everything back in the box exactly as you found it before shoving the box back in its place.

You wipe your nose with the back of your hand and change quickly into a pair of shorts and a loose t-shirt, pulling your hair out of your face.

“Tell him I’m with Sam,” you respond, opening the door to your bedroom.

“Shall I tell him that you're distressed?”

“No. No, absolutely not. I’m fine,” you grumble.

Hurrying to the training room, you find Sam sitting on one of the benches taking stuff out of his bag. Walking over to him, you join him on the bench.

He takes your hands and wraps them carefully. He pats your knee when he’s done, pulling you out of your head space. You smile softly and jump to your feet, walking over to the mat. He follows behind you and you turn to face him.

He starts teaching you the basics. Planted feet, square shoulders. He’s going gentle, every now and again, pinning you to the mat. You know you shouldn’t get frustrated since Sam had just starting teaching you, but you can’t help it. You’re tired of feeling like a damsel in distress. You wanted to protect yourself.

“Hey!” you protest when he tugs your arm behind your back. You wiggle against him. You’re tempted to stomp on his foot.

“Stop thinking so much,” Sam thwacks you in the head, releasing you with a shove. “Use what I taught you. Relax, c’mon, you can do this.”

You huff stubbornly, shaking your arms out and cracking your knuckles. You watch his stance and you notice that he favors his right leg a lot more than his left. You take a deep breath before releasing it.

The music playing over the speakers roars in your ears and you don’t notice Bucky, Steve, or Natasha ever the room. Bucky’s tempted to step in and drag you off the mat, but Natasha throws her arm out. She watches your eyes and she can see Katarina.

Your eyes are full of fire as you stalk your prey. Natasha watches you analyze Sam’s movements before making the first move. You lung at him but he blocks it easily. You let out another frustrated huff before squaring your shoulders.

Sam moves to hit you and your eyes drop to his feet. He’s still favoring his right side. You block his shot before summer saluting and kicking at his left leg. He tumbles to the ground and you scramble to pin him to the mat. You sit on his back with a proud grin.

“Ha! I finally pinned you!” you grin. “This is so much fun! Let’s go again!”

You climb off him and help him back up onto his feet. Sam laughs at you, shaking his head. He shakes his arms out before he makes the first move again. You grin when you block shot after shot.

“Go harder!” you yell at him. “Stop going easy on me. I’m not going to get better if you’re soft on me.”

“Y/n—”

“C’mon! I’m not fragile. If I get spooked you’ll know! C’mon!” you interrupt him.

He sighs, shaking his arms out before kicking it up a notch. You swallow hard when you realize that you’re just on the defensive. You hadn’t gotten a single shot on him. He kicks your leg out from underneath you and you push yourself into a backflip. You silently thank your collegiate gymnastics career.

Standing on wobbly feet, you let out a huff. Sam smirks at you. “Ready to give up?” he taunts. You glare at him.

“Hell no.”

You lung at him and your arms meet with his. Your right leg wraps around his and you tug him to the ground. He lays on his back with a loud thud and you squeal in excitement. You had won. You pull him back up onto his feet and Sam shakes his head, smiling softly at you. He hadn’t seen you so genuinely happy in such a long time, none of them had.

“You’re the best, Sammy,” you gush. “Kicking your ass is so much fun! We are totally doing this again tomorrow!”

“I would have to agree,” your boyfriend pipes in, walking over to you and kissing your sweaty forehead. “Kicking Sam’s ass is so much fun.”

You laugh lightly, ignoring the pit in your stomach. “You did so good, darling,” he murmurs in your ear. “I’m proud of you.”

You acknowledge him with a soft smile before bidding Sam a goodbye so you could go back to your room and shower. Bucky says his goodbyes before trailing after you and catching your hand in his. He grins at you when you glance at him briefly, kissing your hand.

Pressing your thumb on the wall in front of your bedroom door, the door clicks open and you step inside, Bucky following behind. You sigh once the door shuts, kicking off your shoes. You walk in the bathroom and Bucky does too.

“Can I shower with you?” he asks gently when you turn the water on. He was always careful to respect your boundaries, that’s one of the reasons why you fell in love with him in the first place.

“Yeah,” you murmur, tugging your socks off. He grins at your backside, watching you undress. You turn to face him, your arms are crossed timidly around your chest.

He’s looking at you like you put the stars in the sky. His eyes glow underneath the light the bathroom provides. It almost makes you forget about what you found in the closet. It almost makes you forget about how you feel inside.

Standing naked, he opens the shower door for you and you step inside, letting the warm water wash over you. Bucky steps in after you and stands with his back against the showerhead. He takes your hands away from your chest and wraps them around his neck. You know he’s watching you carefully. He knows that something is wrong. You need to take him away from it.

“Can you wash my hair?” you ask gently, looking into his beautiful blue eyes.

He grins at you, “Yes, of course.”

He takes your bottle of shampoo and squirts a generous amount onto his hand before rubbing it into your hair. You close your eyes and let his flesh and metal fingers massage your scalp. You hum at the feeling and he laughs, gently turning you so you’re underneath the shower head. He pushes the soap away from your face and washes it out of your hair.

Opening your eyes again, you do the same for him.

Once you’re done with his hair, you gently take your loofa off the hook and squeeze body wash onto it before lathering it onto your skin. Bucky watches you carefully as you wash your face and he catches your eyes when he’s done washing himself. You blink at him.

“Bucky?” you breathed, swallowing hard.

“Yes, doll?” he replies.

You blink at him. “Do you…,” you trail off, trying to find the right words. “Do you love me?” The words seem to come out of your mouth so easily, but you feel like your entire world is collapsing in on itself. On you. His bright blue eyes gaze into yours and you feel like you can’t breathe. You want to disappear.

“Yes, absolutely, I love you,” he answers firmly, tugging strands of wet hair behind your ear. He looks a you with worried eyes. “What’s going on, Y/n?” he murmurs.

You sigh, letting your hands rest on his shoulders. There’s so much that you want to tell him. You want to ask him who Millie was and why she looked like you. You want to ask him why he’s with you. You’re dying inside and he has no idea. He has no idea that you know. He has no idea that you’re drowning and you can’t breathe.

“Why… why are you with me?”

He blinks at you, shocked that you would ask him that. It blindsides him. His arms wrap around you and you let out a shaky breath. You hate feeling so small.

“You make me happy,” he answers genuinely. You blink at him. You’re suddenly glad you’re in the shower with him. He can’t tell that you’re close to crying. “You make me laugh. You're incredibly kind. You’re intelligence is sexy. You’re beautiful and strong and determined. You’re resilient. You don’t treat me like I’m fragile. You love me for who I am.”

“And me?” you murmur. “Do you love me for who I am?” Your eyes bore into his and you feel your heart inside your throat.

He gives you a puzzled look. He looks insulted that you even question how much he did love you. It doesn’t make you feel any better. “Of course I do,” he answers. You know you’ve opened another door that you don’t want to enter. You want to crawl back into yourself. You feel like you’re dying.

“Sorry,” you mumble insecurely. “I don’t know why I asked that.”

Lie.

You just lied straight to his face and it makes your stomach queasy. You’ve never lied to him.

You know exactly why you asked that. You’re absolutely terrified that he’s just with you because you look like his dead girlfriend—or fiancée. It chills you to the bone. You wouldn’t know what you would do if he loved you for the wrong reasons.

His fingers brush against your cheek and your eyes flutter at his soft touch. You let out a quiet sigh. “It’s okay,” he murmurs, pulling on your chin.

His mouth meets yours in a soft tender kiss.

It’s not enough to quiet your raging thoughts.

You stare at ceiling above you, lost in thought.

You can feel Bucky's metal fingers trail up and down your bare arm, leaving kisses on your shoulder. Your breath mingles with his and you know he’s trying to coax another round out of you.

You’re just so tired, and it wasn’t because you had early morning sex. You’re mentally and emotionally exhausted. You’re tired of pretending that everything is fine. You’re dying inside and you don’t know how to tell him.

It’s been five days since you found the box and you feel like throwing up every time you entered the closet.

You hate how your eyes flutter closed when his mouth finds your neck. His teeth nipped at the supple skin and your breathing stutters. He laughs against your collarbone. Your hand finds the back of his head and you tug on his hair gently.

“Bucky,” you sigh breathlessly.

He grins against your skin, trailing his metal arm down the length of your body. “Yes, my sweet girl?” he murmurs. It makes your heart melt and your breath hitch.

“I’m really hungry,” you mumble, feeling embarrassed that you killed the mood. He laughs against the column of your throat and pulls away. You laugh sheepishly. “Sorry, didn’t mean to kill the mood.”

“Don’t apologize, it’s perfectly fine. Do you want to go out for breakfast?” he asks, pulling away from you.

You turn on your side to face him and rest your fingers in his hair. He smiles softly at you, taking your hand and kissing your knuckles. Your heart flutters. “Yeah, can we?” you ask.

“Why wouldn’t we be able to go out?” he laughs, pulling you onto his hips. Your hands rest on his chest and you shrug, leaning down and pressing a soft, tender kiss to his lips.

“I dunno,” you sigh. “I always think we need permission.”

He laughs again and your heart stutters. You loved seeing him smile.

“You’re making it really difficult to want to go to my mission briefing, darling,” Bucky sighs against your mouth, his lips trailing down your neck. Your fingers tug on his hair gently and your back is pressed against the wall.

“I’m not doing anything,” you breathed back. “All I did was eat breakfast with my handsome boyfriend. You just can’t keep your hands to yourself.”

You both let out breathy laughs and you press your hand against his chest, pushing him away gently. You kiss the underside of his jaw. “I’ll see you later, Hot Stuff. I love you.”

He beams at you, pressing a firm kiss to your lips. “I love you too, my darling girl.”

He disappears down the hall and you sigh happily. You had nothing to worry about.

After finishing your workout, you make a detour towards the conference rooms. You were light on your feet and you felt happier now that you had just worked out.

You can hearing arguing down the hall. Sam’s voice rings through your ears. He sounds absolutely furious, at who, you don’t know. It was probably over something petty.

“You didn’t think I would find out, Barnes?!” Sam roars as you creep closer to the door. “I overheard you and Steve the other day! You still think that Y/n is still your dead girlfriend! You think the reincarnation theory is real!”

Your throat tightens. You feel like you can’t breathe. Your gut was right the whole time.

Mike was right the whole time.

Tears burn in the back of your eyes as you approach the door. You’re struggling to remain calm and collected as you stared into the room. Your eyes blur with tears as you stared at the man you thought loved you.

“Do you even love her or do you love who she looks like?!” Sam’s voice makes you jump. You’ve never seen him so angry before.

You inhale sharply as you wait for his response.

“Of course I love her! She’s just not Millie!” Bucky roars.

You can feel your heart shatter and your breath leaves your lungs. Tears fall down your cheeks and you swallow hard. You can’t find it in yourself to speak up. Natasha glances out the door and her eyes meet yours. Her teammates follow her gaze and you feel frozen in your spot until Bucky’s eyes meet yours.

You inhale sharply before turning your back on him. You run down the hall towards your—Bucky’s—bedroom, ignoring his pleas from behind you. You slam the door shut, going straight to the closet and pulling out a suitcase. You slam the suitcase on the bed and rip open your dresser drawers.

You’re hands are shaking and your whole body trembles. You’re struggling to breathe as you stuff clothes haphazardly into the suitcase. Tears fall freely down your cheeks and you feel like throwing up. You had to leave. You couldn’t stay here.

You ignore the door clicking open and Bucky stepping inside. You hurry into the bathroom, collecting your makeup and tossing it into the suitcase. You couldn’t look at Bucky.

“Y/n,” his voice cracks as he calls your name and reaches out to grab your arm. “What are you doing?”

“Don’t touch me!” you scream between cries, swatting his hand away. You spin around to face him. You snarl at him. “Why did you rescue me?! Because you loved me or because of who I look like? Don’t lie to me!”

A defeated sigh leaves his lips. “Both.”

You nod your head, sniffing quietly. You wipe your nose with the back of your hand. “I saw the box with all her things, Bucky. Why did you think you could bring her back? The reincarnation theory is a child’s story. Why did you lie to me?!”

Tears prick at the corners of his eyes. His chin wobbles. “Because I still loved her. I thought there was a way… like there is in movies, but there isn’t. I still fell in love with you, Y/n. I love you. Millie can’t change that.”

You shake your head. Even if the theory was real, you were still you. You were not Millie. You were not Katarina. You would not compete against ghosts for his love and affection, no matter how much you craved it. You deserved so much better

“I’m not competing against a ghost for your love, James!” you roared, fat, ugly tears fell down your cheeks. “You said so yourself, I’m not Millie! I never will be!”

Your cries echo off the walls and back into your ears. Bucky had completely shattered your heart. Your soul was withering away. Your future disappearing right before your very eyes, all because you looked like someone that he craved you to be.

He nods his head in agreement. “You’re right. You’re not Millie. You’re so much better than she was.”

You shake your head. You wouldn’t be compared to her either. Bucky doesn’t get it. It has to end. You have to be the one to let go.

You sigh defeatedly, staring into his glossy red eyes. You knew he was terrified to lose you. It was probably because you gave him reason to hold onto his past, because you looked like her.

“You want to know what the worst part about all of this is?” you murmur quietly, tears sliding down your cheeks. “It’s not that I had a feeling about your intentions with me. It was that when I was held captive, Mike was right. A monster was right. That’s what hurts the most.”

It’s silent as he stares at you. He’s desperate to keep you. He can’t lose you. He had made a stupid mistake. Surely you could forgive him. You loved him.

You look at your suitcase, pulling the top over and zipping it up. He walks up to you, resting his hand on the suitcase. He doesn’t want you to leave.

“I won’t be compared to her either, James,” you murmur, swallowing the lump in your throat and blink away the tears in the back of your eyes. “I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to compete against a dead person for you to love me fully and completely just as I do for you. It’s not fair to me. I can’t pretend to be somebody I’m not.”

Bucky grabs your face at a desperate attempt to keep from losing you. Tears slide down his cheeks and he feels like he can’t breathe. His heart shatters when you wiggle out of his touch. You wanted nothing to do with him. Not anymore.

“What are you saying?” he asks desperately. His voice breaks and his throat tightens. Tears fall down his cheeks.

“I’m leaving,” you answer. Your voice cracks and you blink harshly. You wish there was something he could do to change what had happen, but there wasn’t. He refused to move on.

“Y/n, please don’t do this. I love you.”

You look at him with tears in your eyes. You choke back a sob. As much as you loved him, you couldn’t stay. You needed to get back on your feet and find a job. You couldn’t stay at the Compound even if you wanted to. You needed to go back to civilian life. You were useless, there was no need for you.

This just made the decision ten times more easier for you.

“I can’t,” you breathed. “It’s not fair to me. You have to move on if you ever want us to be together again. I can’t compete with a ghost, Bucky. I think it’s best if we’re not together, for your heart and my sanity. This hurts me just as much as it hurts you, but I think it’s for the best. I need to get back on my feet and you need to figure your heart out.”

“Y/n, please,” he choked out. You were slipping right through his fingers.

“Goodbye, Bucky,” you mutter, brushing past him with your suitcase behind you. You turn around to shut the door behind you and your eyes meet his momentarily. Silent tears fall down his soft cheeks as his entire face falls. Tears slide down your face and let out a breath of air before shutting the door.

You force yourself to keep walking when you hear the door open.

tags: @ssweet-empowerment @california-grown @softwhispers

375 notes · View notes

evilback-wards · 7 years ago

Text

Coffee Shop AU [Ouma x Saihara] 20 Minute Writing Challenge

Series: Danganronpa V3

Pairing: Kokichi and Saihara

Rating: E for Everyone for once lol

Prompt: Coffee Shop (Barista Kokichi!)

It wasn’t always like this. This stupid Starbucks used to be a mom and pop shop owned by my friends moms aunt or whatever. Relationships, bounds, all that nuanced stuff can only be found in my Vita these days.

I shook up another coffee, or whatever us baristas do when we make coffee. It’s just that – making coffee – at least until D.I.C.E kicks off. It’s just – you know – ugh…

My eyes strain at the name of the cup, written in that poor pigs handwriting. Fucking Mikan always fucked up the names too, so more than likely, this name was written poorly and spelled wrong. Sometimes I think she does it to piss me off.

The tacky green colors and weird white text goddess hung just above my waist, apron tied in many knots to fit someone my height and weight. I had to stuff my beautifully styled hair under one of their disgusting required “hair nets” for reasons beyond my desire to understand corporate. Sure, that fit, but the aprons were all too long and gaudy. Guess Starbucks never heard of a petite size or style in its’ existence, eh?

I pick up the only order since a few hours ago, man, could it hurt them to start at least advertising there’s a Starbucks here? Haha, I’m lying, they have but I’ve been so terrible most customers either need to know me or have an acquired taste for my style of “customer service.”

I start dazing out, staring at the piping hot coffee cup for much longer than needed probably. Oh well. The customer will bring their angry, grumpy, and frilly self up for this girly coffee.

I mean, what even is this order? Extra cream, extra chocolate syrup, and worst of all, only one shot of expresso? While they were ordering, just, you know, make it a fucking hot chocolate?!? It would probably be cheaper that way too. I was tempted to let out a groan, but, I guess I should be more careful on my customer service. Ooor maybe not. Maybe I’ll just put on my dumb little grin and hope an insult lands without finding its way into my managers ear.

“Um…”

I kept jotting my eyes up and down the order sleeve, completely dazed by the amount of specifies and particulars this, likely ditzy, customer requested. I could make out Mikans scribbles better than her actual letters. Mikan always thinks writing things slightly to the left or right makes it the most recent thing. Ugh — I swear if she wasn’t my supervisor I’d kick her right in that whorish cunt of hers.

“Uhm, excuse me…”

I bet – oh yeah, even wanted extra whipped cream too. I could just make out the little melting wisps of cream through the container – oh boy – this persons’ either a suicidal diabetic or a modern day sugar addict like–

“K-Kokichi, the customer has been waiting for their drink for t-too long!” Mikan belted in that pitiful voice of hers. Even as pitiful, piggish, stupid person I still had to abide by “disciplinary action”. At least that’s how the regional supervisor Nekomaru gets his point across with me. We’ll see if he can ever get me to “quit” like he always threatens.

My eyes break away from the drink to meet…someone unexpected. The guys eyes were large, almost doe-like, staring directly at me. His hand seemed outstretched, though half retracted. Blackish-blue outfit, okay hair, roundish face, soft lips, soft ‘ope’, slim figure, much taller than me…

“It’s ok, don’t worry about Mikan! He, uh…Kokichi must’ve not seen him. We have a bit of a height difference, and with the counter, it’s all just sort of–” spoke a female voice, standing next to *and* holding the hand of the presumed customer….customer…

“S-Still! It’s my job as supervisor to make sure everything r-runs smoothly!” Mikan sputtered out like some sort of–ugh–it’s boring insulting her now. I have eye candy in my view. I need to block her out, somewhat.

I motion my eyes over to the girl, pink out-fit, blond hair, typical customer–but him–the guy–the weird hat guy…somewhat of a hottie. Hopefully not dating pinkie.

I put on my best smile, a bright smile, extending it out to the half-stretched weird hat guy.

“Uh, dunno if this name is right due to poor management, but Shuichi! You’re sugar with coffee is ready!” I say, smile and all. I hope I’m radiating enough faux happiness to cause Mikan to go mad over my typical, slightly bullish, remark.

I could hear her get into her usual spastic, incomprehensible stuttering besides me, saying something about getting Nekomaru in soon. Oh well. The best I could do now is roll with the punches.

Somehow, I got a laugh – no two – pinkie laughed with weird hat boy.

“Hey, you’re sorta funny. Sorry about that,” spoke Pinkie again, looking over to Mikan reaching out a cellphone, but I really wanted to hear weird hat boys voice. What could it possibly sound like?

“Well, thanks for my coffee, better late than never I guess,” Shuichi says with a grin, “And yeah, that’s my name.”

Ok. So, is he going to be a regular or what? What ritualistic offering did I have to make to get him to come back without pinkie next to him?

#daganronpa v3 #danganronpa #danganronpa fanfiction #daganronpa v3 fanfiction #drv3 #dr #ouma x saihara #kokichi ouma #shuichi saihara #fanfiction #20 minute prompts #20 minutes until 1am end time go #danganronpa v3 #rough but i like it #sorta #like it #i dunno #should i try to polish and acontinue?

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tsnbrainrot · 4 years ago

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Hi marie! I saw that you've been learning embroidery (i loved your painted whore tote bag btw) and ive been trying to learn too (new quarantine hobbie) but i'm having a hard time with letters, do you any sources to do letters and different fonts? Thank you!! Have a nice day!

oh, anon you are so so sweet but i am absolutely the WORST person to ask advice because i’m literally just vibing and not actively trying to ‘learn it’ yk? i know maybe 4 or 5 stitches but use the back stitch for 90% of stuff i make and if i need anything else i just google it on the spot. and i don’t use official patterns because they scare me and i feel like they stifle my creativity and that’s not how i’m having fun with it.... also my handwriting is terrible so everything i’ve made pre-painted-whore tote just looked not great.

but for the painted whore tote back i saw this video on Pinterest where someone pinned the paper tracing of what they wanted to do on the fabric, stitched through it following the pattern and then sprayed water on it to take the paper out afterwards. so i tried that using a font on canva lol. turns out taking out the little pieces of paper under the letters is a bitch but it worked really well and the result is chill. so yeah.... idk how helpful it actually is to say ‘whelp i traced it’ but .... yeah that’s how i did it lol. i’ve actually recently downloaded a few free fonts to my computer so i’m probably gonna experiment with those soon..... oh and i’ve seen some people use a lamp under their fabric to be able to trace whatever their drawing is on the actual fabric but i haven’t tried that yet. i dont know how i can manage it in a tote bag, i don’t have a strong enough lamp that small................

anyways, i’m an average doodler at best and my handwriting is shit so i’m either tracing and or making something that looks like a child made it. for the sake of being honest: i tried making myself a ‘bad bisexual rep’ tote with the same font as painted whore and it was an utter failure. i messed up the p so bad, it looked terrible :(((( very disappointing. but hey, i’m having fun with it all which is all that matters! sorry i can’t be more helpful rip.

#about moi #Anonymous

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impalaimagining · 7 years ago

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PittCon Sunday

(sorry this is so late. my mind has been reeling since I stepped into Jensen’s hug. cut comes after the gold panel)

My heart was racing as I typed this because it contains the letters to Jared story and the interaction between he and I as I gave him the binder and reliving that moment is everything I ever wanted. My liiiffeeee <3333

Part One (Gold Panel):

They come walking down the glass bridge. Jensen waves. Jared pushes him aside and becomes the star of the show. Jared takes off his beanie and everybody screams (still don’t understand how he does it).

Someone in the second row continues to talk to Jared from her seat instead of waiting to be selected for a question. (*heavy eye rolling from me*)

Jared and Jensen are sleepy little dorks and I love it. They’re still running on Vancouver time. Jensen didn’t sleep Saturday night, he watched the hours roll by. Jared says we should’ve called Jensen and invited him out with us. Jensen’s got “about two hours of solid” him left before it gets either “really interesting or really boring.”

Jared realizes the actress who plays Hitler granddaughter is from Pittsburgh. They’re “chuggin’ along” with filming - already on episode six.

Jared says they’re still waiting for the call for season 14 renewal.

Fan is upset because Jensen promised to sing at SNS this year. He laughs and asks, “You believed that?!” He blames timezone switches and Rob, because Rob “likes Pittsburgh to himself.”

They’ve been on a juice diet because “summer was hard” on them (specifically Jared - who still looks incredible, by the way). As Jensen was walking on stage, he found a cup of goldfish crackers and stuffed a handful in his mouth. He comes on stage still chewing. They’re already talking about getting burgers for dinner Sunday night.

Jared envies people who can draw because he loves to do it but is “really bad at it.” Jensen makes a “mean stick figure.” They joke about they wish they could take their profession anywhere the way musicians and sketch artists/painters can. Jensen laughs and says he envisions Jared standing in front of a t-rex exhibit “To be! Or not to be!”

Jared takes on “Misha form!” while answering a question about their childhood memory. Jared tells the story of Tom starting kindergarten. He was flooded with emotions while the other parents were already used to taking their kids and just dropping them off. Meanwhile Jared is crying. Jensen says he has a lot of good childhood memories, but one of his favorite is his sixth birthday. He woke up and put on his cowboy outfit, complete with six-shooters and a sheriff’s badge. He walked outside and there was a horse in the yard for him to ride. Their yard wasn’t big, but he rode the horse in circles and shot his cap guns.

Jensen was never “into” sports medicine, but it was what he chose as he selected college major originally. Jensen says he thinks it would be fun to be a boat captain. Jared planned on going to school for engineering to follow in the footsteps of his brother. Instead, his brother ended up becoming a surgeon, and Jared thinks he would’ve followed that path as well. Jared’s other career options are doctor or teacher. “It’d be fun to be a wildlife photographer,” according to Jared. Jensen decides he wants to be a food and drink writer. Jared mocks avocado toast, Jensen says he’ll wolf one down if it allows him to travel to Italy.

Jared has so much trouble with his microphone.

They’ve never dreamed as Sam and Dean, but they dream about them and the set. Jared has had dreams about Kim Manners since his passing, where they talk, “which is... interesting.”

Danneel has to tell Jensen to stop using the Dean voice. Other times she’s like, “Can you please use the Dean voice...?”

Fan says alternate universe in s12 was out of left field but it was awesome. Asks if the boys have been surprised by anything the writers have thrown into the plot. Jensen says French Mistake. Jared says his big left field moment was when he traveled to Los Angeles before season 6 and met with Sera. She told him about soulless!Sam and he had to hide his gut reaction because he was right in front of her instead of being on the phone like he normally would be. Soulless!Sam is one of Jared’s favorite character twists.

Jensen would never rule theatre out of his life as a future option. He doesn’t currently have plans to return to the stage, but he wouldn’t mind going back. Jared says he hasn’t done theatre in a long time, and he loved it. It’s the “best training ground possible,” but it’s hard to keep it fresh. Jared compares theatre to doing squats for thirty minutes. Jensen laughs and mocks him. joking about never skipping leg day.

A fan is getting fired for being at the convention. Asks about binge watching because she has a lot of free time now. Jensen says he watched Ozark in a week. Jared says Breaking Bad, but he’s on to Ozark because of Jensen’s recommendation.

Fan gives suggestions for food places. A place called Burgatory. Jensen asks if there are any exits.

“Did someone say Sanchez?” - Jared... why

Unicorns or dragons? Jared: unicorns ‘cause they’re not going to kill me, and they fart rainbows. Jensen: I’m gonna go dragons. Speaking of dragons... anybody watch game of thrones? Jared jokes about Jensen ruining the show for him by mentioning dragons. Jensen asks if everyone is caught up. Fan says no. Jensen: “earmufffssss!” He thinks they totally ripped off the demon!Dean transformation scene.

Part Two:

Jensen Ackles photo op!

Was a little nervous but not really because like yeah he’s adorable and Jensen friggin Ackles but I didn’t have anything to tell him or show him so it was nothing like Misha (or Jared).

I walked up and said, “Hi! How are you?” He smiled and said, “I’m good. Tired. How are you?” I kind of yelled a little bit when I responded but it was so worth it. “Great now!” And then I proceeded to throw my arms around him and Chris took the picture. Jensen rubbed my shoulder as I was walking away.

His hugs are so soft and gentle. His voice is so sweet and smooth. Jensen Ackles smells amazing and he’s so... *sigh*

Part Three:

JARED. PADALECKI.

This is the motherfucking ultimate high point of my weekend. I met. I hugged. I got a photo with. Jared. Padalecki.

As I walked up, my heart was pounding let me tell you, boy. He smiles and says, “Hi!” oooh lawd his breath smells like booze and it’s something of my dreams (don’t ask.). I can smell his cologne. Y’all weren’t kidding when you said he uses a fuckton. I love it. I’m all giggly and nervous and I’m like, “I wanna show you something!”

I spin around and pull my hair back off my ear and show him my tattoo. He - I kid you not - screams over the music playing. “NO SHIT!” I nod and give him this giant smile. “That’s my handwriting!!!” Yes it is you big, beautiful man. “That’s awesome!” I’m in fuckin euphoria and I don’t even feel him lean against my head when Chris snaps the photo. I have no idea if I even looked into the camera at this point. I’m praying to God I did and as I leave, Jared gives me a little pat on the back and when I turn around, he’s still smiling at me. “Thanks so much!” I get a wink. I GET A MOTHERFUCKING JARED PADALECKI WINK I AM SIMULTANEOUSLY LIVING AND DYING. (the next person in line was already next to him while this is all happening, LOL)

I practically skip out of the room but there are no tears. How did I do this??? This man makes me so fucking happy I didn’t even cry??? Jared is my savior. That’s it.

Part Four:

Jim Beaver. What an adorable father-like man.

I’m thoroughly convinced he’s drunk when he comes on stage. Jim Beaver danced. Like... heavy footwork, light on his toes danced. He’s holding a coke can and I can pretty much guarantee it wasn’t just soda in that can.

I don’t remember much of his panel but the first thing he said was, “Hey idjits!”

A fan asked him to say balls. It was... kind of awesome.

A young girl came up to the mic to ask a question. He called her on stage and knelt down at her eye level. “Is that all you see???” She laughed. She has the same name as his daughter. They’re spelled the same way. “Are you my kid?? How weird would that be if my kid came all the way here and I didn’t know it. I didn’t buy her a plane ticket, I know that!” She asks her question (which I forget because I suck) and after he answers, he hugs her and sends her back off the stage.

Part Five:

J2 main panel. Boys come running down the center aisle through the crowd. Pretty convinced their body guards/handlers hate them lmao.

I’m not going to go through every question like I did for the gold panel. Jared and Jensen are perfect. That’s just about all you need to know.

Jared’s pretty sure he’s going to get in trouble for jumping. His back has been hurting. “The medicine, it works!”

It’s a glorious Sunday because “Dallas hasn’t played yet.”

Jared’s pretty sure turning 35 makes everything stop working.

Jim Beaver walks by in the glass bridge. Jared has the crowd yell “come back!”

Jensen thanks football fans for giving up opening day to be at the convention. Says it’s hard not to be in front of a tv on the first football Sunday. Terrible towels come out.

Jared compares having three kids to “drowning... and then someone throws you three kids.” Jensen originally only wanted one kid, but Danneel wanted three. They compromised on a second pregnancy. ... “You always find a way to get what you want, don’t you, ladies?”

Jensen apologizes for having to leave the J2 photo ops earlier in the day because Danneel had called him multiple times. He thought something was really wrong. When he called back, she asked if he could FaceTime quickly. Arrow was saying “dada.” “Unfortunately, it was our plumber that was there...”

If I had been playing the SPN Con drinking game I would’ve been wasted the entire weekend. Good Lord.

Jensen’s favorite episode to film was Baby. Jared’s favorites include episodes like Baby, French Mistake, Changing Channels, and Hollywood Babylon. It was the first time they were allowed to make fun of themselves and the industry. After filming Hollywood Babylon, they convinced the crew to give them the bigger trailers since they were already on set.

Working with kids depends on their parents.

Jared mentions GameBoy. Jensen has a moment like dude you’re so old why are you bringing up GameBoy. It becomes a running joke throughout the panel.

“Does your face hurt, Jensen?? Because it’s killin’ me!” ... dorks.

They turn off Sam and Dean when they go back to their real lives. It’s easy for them at this point to flip the switch of the emotional pain Sam and Dean go through because of their friends and especially their family.

Part Six: AUTOGRAPHS AND THE BINDER (!!!!!!)

Guys guys guys I’m freaking out at this point. I know how much trouble I could get in for giving something to Jared. The handlers are going to hate me. According to a friend, “They’ve kicked people out for less.” hashtag fuck.

Something happens with another fan and the woman announcing rows to head back to autos is wrapped up with other things. I waited so much longer than I should have. It was horrendous and put me that much more on edge.

Finally my row is called. I’m only in the fourth row. Why did it take this long.

Steve Miller Band is playing from Jared’s phone onto a bluetooth speaker while I’m standing in line. When I get to him, it’s Fly Like An Eagle.

“How’re you, sweetheart?” *dies* He signs my book. “Did you read it?” I nod and say yes, of course. “And...?!” I told him I loved it and I thought it was very brave of him to share as much and as honestly as he did. He smiles and then I bring up the binder.

Me: “I actually have something to give to you, and I know it could get me in a lot of crap for doing it this way. This is a project I put together. It’s letters from me and a lot of my friends because we just wanted to thank you for what you’ve done and let you know how much you mean to us. I don’t expect you to read them all, there’s a lot of them in there.” J: “I do like to read! *he’s flipping through them, paging to see just how many there are* No way! Damn girl!!!” Me: “It’s just something we did for you.” J: “Thank you. Thank you very much. Please pass on my gratitude to whoever sent you a letter.” Me: “I will, thank you!!!” J: “Thank you.” AND THE FREAKIN’ SMILE OMG.

I don’t know how I lived. I don’t know how me and my shaky knees made it to Jensen’s autograph line but I did and he is such a sweetheart, my goodness.

I slipped Jensen my book and he was just so tired omg it’s so sad and adorable. He signed the wrong page of my FDEWB book because sleeeepy.

He slid it across the table to me and I thanked him for everything. He said “You’re welcome.” And patted the back of my hand and again, *i die*

THUS CONCLUDES MY FIRST EVER CON WEEKEND MY LIFE HAS BEEN MADE AND JARED HAS THE LETTERS AND MY SHIRT /STILL/ SMELLS LIKE HIM.

#Taylor Takes PittCon #PittCon 2017: The Jared Padalecki Project #PittCon2017 #PittCon #SPNPitt #Supernatural PittCon #Supernatural Pittsburgh

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thepopatochispfren · 7 years ago

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lol but it's not tru. Anyways, how would ut sans and uf papyrus react to cheating on their s/o, and they don't find out, instead acting sweeter and more adorable then normal until they can't take it anymore and tell them. When they do s/o freezes before just giving them a sad smile. "Well, can't blame u. Honestly lasted longer than I expected, I mean, who would ever want me?" They don't even seem fazed by their own words, being too used to thinking that way. Thank fren!

angst! anyways you r great, and don’t forget that fren.

ut snas:

you and sans had gotten into a small argument before he went to grillby’s. though it was short, the argument had gotten pretty intense, involving some hurtful but non-intending words that were said in the heat of the moment. and you just had to mention the resets. the moment you finished your sentence, sans expression immediately changed and darkened. he didn’t say anything back, and just teleported away. you knew where he was going to, but still full of anger from the argument you decided you couldn’t face him right now. so you just went to bed. but as you were sleeping, a certain skeleton decided to drown his pain in spiked ketchup and through his drunkenness decided to hook up with a female bunny monster. having the mindset, “i just don’t want to feel pain anymore tonight”. but when it turned day, he immediately regretted it. the next time you see him, he comes home around 2;00ish with a takeout order of grillby’s that has your name on it. the instant he sees you, he rushes to hug you and apologize. after the apologies and burgers, you both make up and become more at ease with each other. but yet, something doesn’t feel just right. one night as the two of you were watching late night cop shows, he gets a call from a number you don’t recognize. at first you shrug it off thinking it might just be another friend of his, but the way and tone he was speaking to this person made you feel unsettled. even the way sans’ expression as he talked to this person showed that he himself seamt nervous and off. when you tried to ask him about the call and person, he simply just put it off saying it was a friend and said a pun. yet you know something was wrong, because he failed to say it correctly the first time, and he always says it correctly the first time. but yet, you choose to trust his judgement and not mention it anymore. -a week later- sans had been disappearing a lot lately. but whenever he was home he’d bring back little gifts and trinkets for you which you had thought was awfully adorable of him to do, yet you were worried of why he been going away a lot for the past week. tonight was the night you decided to confront him about it. usually he’d come around 11:00 pm, you knew this by the sound of the door being opened downstairs, and the tired legs of your bonefriend slowly climbing up the stairs and collapsing next to you in bed. but tonight you waited in the kitchen, sitting at the dining table with the lights on. he finally came home around 12:00ish, and you saw his surprised expression react to the sour look on your face. you demanded why he came back home at such a late hour and what he has been doing for the past week. shouting at him saying that you’ve been worried why he was been coming home so late always seeming exhausted from wherever he’s been. it all crashes, and the facade sans had put up had been torn down. he starts telling you of what had happened after the argument last week and how he had cheated on you after getting drunk. he looked almost as hurt as you did, well almost. the moment he said those words you felt like a knife had pierced through your heart, everything you knew and loved about him was breaking and falling apart. you struggled, but managed to get out these words. “well, i can’t blame you. Honestly this lasted longer than I expected, I mean, who would ever want me?” you said, giving a sad smile. before he could say anything back, you run out the door tears filling up your eyes. you hesitate for a moment wondering where to go, everything was falling apart. your boyfriend had cheated on you, all that trust, care, love that you had in him was breaking. then you remembered the bridge that was near your house. sans goes running after you searching everywhere desperately calling out your name just with little hope of you actually answering. he does find you eventually, because he noticed your body floating in the river.

edge:

you always disagreed with him on everything, it was surprising how you two were even a couple. but with every argument that came, the apologies and huggles came also. yet, tonight was different. usually edge argued about the silliest of things, but tonight he actually had a reason. you and his brother were actually pretty close. playing pranks on each other, and laughing at each others dirty jokes, so no wonder he assumed that you were intentionally getting on with his brother. his accusation included the phrase, “YOU REALLY ONLY BECAME MATES WITH ME SO YOU COULD JUST GET CLOSER WITH MY BROTHER!? YOU DIRTY SCOUNDREL!”. of course you really cared and loved edge, but sometimes he did get on your nerves. though it may have a little, well a lot looked like you and red (uf sans) were flirting, it was just something that you guys did, like an inside joke. you were about to calmly dismiss the entire thing as a misunderstanding, but when he called you a wh***, it was on, you both became verbally violent, and began openly swearing at each other with everything you had, screaming any swear words that you could think up at the other. this was one argument you had to win. this lasted for over 3 hours, and eventually both of you got tired and realized that none of you would be victorious from this. so you both “ended” it with dirty glares at each other. you went up to your room to scream into a pillow, while edge went out on a walk to fume out his thoughts. an edge alone with angry thoughts is never a good thing, and when he came up with the idea to come back at you it would be the worst thing to ever happen. he had decided to fight “fire with fire” or at least do what he thought you were doing to his brother, “intoxicating” him with your words and “body language”. and being as competitive as he is, he had to win this. though no one is ever worthy or capable of the great and terrible papyrus, he stormed into a bar and flirted with any female creature he saw. edge, being as intimidating as he is, pretty much terrified every single lady he talked to. well, except one. this woman was brave enough to stand by him, and flirt back. surprised by this lady, edge paused for a moment, but realizing his “brilliant” plan was working he continued. it got very, intimate. before he realized it, he woke up in a bed with a lady stranger he had hardly recognized. only then edge knew that he had made a mistake. you see him walk up to you with a bouquet of roses, and a little letter that says “i’m sorry”. wanting to see how far this would go you ask him why he was back. but he surprised you when you heard him apologize. you had heard the great and terrible papyrus say sorry and ask for forgiveness. something was definitely up, but looking up at him he seamt really, genuine. you softly accept his apology and take the bouquet of flowers with the little note on it. you want to read the letter, but you decide that right now was a time to comfort the tall, edgy skeleton. you put the bouquet on the kitchen table and lead him upstairs. he first objects and says you should read the note first, but you gently tell him that you both needed just to rest right now. you both change into your pajamas and get into the bed. and huggled until you both had fallen asleep. when you wake up you see him next to you fast asleep. he seems so calm and nice when he’s sleeping, you thought. wanting to get up and maybe make breakfast, you get off the bed, tuck edge with the blanket, and go downstairs. then you notice the dying bouquet of flowers on the dining table, and remembered that you still haven’t read the letter. quickly grabbing the letter you tear it open, to find it scrawled with messy handwriting. you know that edge’s handwriting is not messy at all, but rather really neat. yet this handwriting barely resembles his. it appears that his hand might’ve been shaking a lot when writing this, for the lettering is very jagged and not smooth. but when you finally decipher what the note says, it made sense now. edge never apologized for anything, and always tried to make it your fault or someone else’s when he was in a situation. when you read the letter, it made sense. he cheated on you. tears began to form in your eyes after acknowledging this. he had cheated on you, that’s why he got you the flowers, that’s why he wrote you the letter, that’s why he said he was sorry. yet none of that mattered. just those simple four words, he cheated on you. you began to shake, it wasn’t ok for you to be here right now. edge was here, the monster who cheated on you. still a part of you knew that this would happen. sure he had his shortcomings, but yet you knew that he had loved you. one of the only people you had trusted, you had loved, that you had let into your life, into your heart, had cheated on you. he did love you… right? who would ever love something as worthless as you. that, that’s right. you didn’t even notice when edge had come downstairs. you just heard the voices in your head. when he tapped your shoulder, you finally snapped out of it. you looked around to see him. you managed to say, ““Well, can’t blame you. Honestly lasted longer than I expected, I mean, who would ever want me?” before you voice gave out. still shaking, you make a run for the door, not stopping when you heard his voice hopelessly call out your name. you couldn’t stop, you had to go somewhere, anywhere but here. but where would you g-. lights, a car honk, then darkness.

yay, i finished my first imagine! sorrynotsorry for the angst. but i am sorry for it being so long.

#imagine #ut sans #uf papyrus #angst #woa imagine

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iamacolor · 7 years ago

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We met at the library (A Yousana Hp Au )- Part 7

Hello everyone !!! I don’t know who’s reading this anymore lol but here is the seventh chapter (I’m sorry for not updating more regularly, I wish I could but I’m so busy right now)!! I don’t really know what this is about but it’s supposed to be sweet and cute so I hope you like it!! It’s mainly Sana’s pov as well

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The day of the first exam arrives sooner than expected as time seems to fly by. And here it is, the beginning of the end of the year. The day Sana has been simultaneously looking forward to and dreading. It’s transfiguration day for Sana. She feels quite confident in her abilities and knowledge but she is still a bit nervous because she wants to start this week well and transfiguration is such an important subject and even if she knows her theories and spells better than anyone else, she wouldn’t be Sana Bakkoush if she wasn’t stressing out a little.. She needs a top grade.

As she is walking to the Great Hall to have her breakfast, she thinks about Yousef who will be passing his Care of Magical Creatures exam today. She knows that it is his favorite subject as he is thinking about working in a magical creatures shelters. She loves how passionate he is about it and she is absolutely sure that he will pass his exam with great grades.

She thinks back on the conversation they had the day before on their way back to the castle after a short quidditch session.

-------------------------------------------

They had been walking silently after putting their brooms back in the closet. Sana had her hands by her side and a part of her desperately wanted to reach for Yousef’s hand. Ever since she had realized just how much she liked him, she was aching to tell him or to make him understand but she would never do it because she was way too afraid of what his reaction might be. And there was no way that she would put herself in a situation that could potentially make her look ridiculous or embarrass her. But this was the last day before the exams, the last day before the lat week of school. The last day before their last week in the same place. Holding his hand was out of the question, even if she so terribly wanted to, but she could always ask him if she could write to him. She had been holding that question to herself for so long. Before she had a chance to decide whether or not she was ready to let him now that she wanted to stay in touch with him, he asked her:

“- How do you feel about your upcoming exams tomorrow? We’ve been working together on them for a while but now that they’re so close, how do you feel?

- I think it’ll go well but I’m still a bit nervous. I’m worried about the practical exam especially because my wand gestures are never sharp enough. I just want a top grade, I need an O.

- You’ll do just fine, don’t you worry. I bet you you’re going to get an O in every subjects!

- That’s the goal I set to myself so I better get them!

- You’re amazing, Sana, of course you will get them.”

Could he maybe not say that she was amazing before saying her name with a voice that soft and that pleasing? She hadn’t ever thought about how one voice or simply one word pronounced in said voice could have an effect on her. It was like she never wanted him to stop saying her name. She looked up at him after a few seconds as she needed to regain a composed attitude but the sweet smile she found on his face didn’t help at all. Did he really have to look at her like she was some kind of wonderful being? She found her voice again and asked him:

“- What about you? How doe it feel to be taking these exams? Are you nervous?

- Am I nervous? Sana, you know me of course I am. In a sense I’m weirdly excited because, taht’s it, that’s the end. These are the last exams I’ll ever take at Hogwarts. I’m excited for the next chapter in my life but it’s kind of bittersweet.

- Do you think you’re going to miss it here?

- Yes, yes I’ll definitely miss it.”

He said these words looking right into her eyes and for a second she could imagine that he was saying that he would miss her.

“- I’ll miss everything here.”

She smiled at these words because she is a part of everything , isn’t she?

“- Well, I’m sure the school will miss you as well” she replied , hoping that the fondness in her voice would carry her feelings

He stared at her for a few second then turned abruptly his head towards the castle.

“- It feels weird to know that I won’t live here anymore. That in a few days I won’t have a bed here or a room or anything. Every summer I would be happy to go back to my family, knowing I would come back to the castle after two months. But now...Now, it’s different. When school starts again, I won’t be coming back.”

She staid silent for a while as he seemed to be a little lost in his thoughts. It was probably the first time he really stopped and thought about this.

“- I’ll have to keep myself busy this summer so I don’t having to think about that too much!

- Do you have plans for the summer already?

- I’m going to try and work a little bit. Maybe with my uncle. I’ll see. I don’t have much time to work anyway, I’m leaving with my family for a month after my sister is done with school.

- Oh, where are you going? Wait, you have a sister?!

- Haha, yes I do! She’s 12 , she’s called Aylin and, as you already know, she’s a Muggle.

- Do you get along well?

- Yes! She’s really sweet. It’s difficult to be close since I’m away most o fthe time and the fact that I’m a wizard doesn’t always makes things easier but she’s really fun. Oh and it’s Europe.

- What?

- Where I’m going, it’s Europe.

- Europe? Europe is a whole continent, you can’t just go to Europe, you have to go to a country.

- Europe is a continent??? What? Why have I never learned that at school?! He exclaimed

- Very funny, Yousef. Where are you going exactly?

- I still need a minute to process this new information excuse me. I just can’t believe that Europe isn’t a country! My whole life I’ve been living a lie.

- Yousef, come on!

- I need to write to my parents and tell them that we need to rethink our plans for this summer!”

At this point, she was laughing too much to even try and ask him to answer her question seriously. Instead, he was the one who calmed down first. She didn’t need to ask him again.

“- My family is from Turkey so we’ll go there for a while but then I have cousins in Italy and in Switzerland so we’ll spend some time there as well.

- Oh, I’ve always wanted to go to Italy!”

He smiled at that and turned to face her, not walking anymore. She stopped walking as well.

“- Really?

- Yes.”

He was now looking into her eyes with a slight smile, focused on her and yet clearly thinking about something important.

“- We’ll be in Milan.”

There was a pause. Then:

“- I’m sure you’d love it.”

She was having trouble persuading herself that the implication of traveling together was just a figment of her imagination. Because the way he was looking at her, how close he was to her, how still he was and yet how intense his gaze was, she couldn’t be making it all up, could she?

“- It does look wonderful.

- It is.

- I can’t wait to go there one day.”

It seemed as if time had stopped as they stood there, staring into each other eyes, lightly smiling, voices soft and shiny eyes. They were in their own little bubble.

The moment was broken by a loud sound coming from the forbidden forest. They both seemed to wake up from a dream and blushed as they put their heads down. It was only at this moment that Sana realized that they had been staring at each other for at least half a minute. And now, because some weird creature in the woods had felt the need to express itself, this moment was over. Not a good way to make her like Care of Magical Creatures.

They started walking again. Silent, for a while, until he spoke.

“- What about you? Any plans for the summer?

- Yes, I’ll be working with my father in July. After that, I’m spending a week with my friends and then I’m going with my family in the south where we rented a house. It’s going to be chill.

- Working with your father?

- He is a surgeon at St Mungo’s and as I would like to become a doctor myself he got me an internship there for a month.

- Sana, that’s so cool! I’m sure it’ll be a great experience!”

“There he goes again, saying my name with that voice and not realizing how it makes me feel!” She thought to herself

------------------------------------------

Leaving her memories to focus on the present, Sana enters the Great Hall and goes to sit at her table, filling up her plate as she does. She is taking a sip of tea as she recites in her mind the theory about a spell, when she hears an owl coming to her table. She's surprised because most owls have already dropped their letters or packages. The owl is definitely coming towards her but since her parents already sent her an encouragement letter yesterday evening, it can't be from them and she wonders who it might be from. The owl lands, or crashes more like it, into her glass of juice and she has to clean up the mess before she can open the letter. Letter that needs a drying spell as it got dipped into her full glass. Once she's done with the cleaning up and has given a small bite of her toast to the owl, which then flew away, she opens what is more a note than a letter. A note written in a handwriting that she only knows to well after spending so much time reading it at the library. The note simply reads:

" Ready to pass your tests like a boss?

You go girl!

Y."

She tries to conceal her smile so that no one asks her question. She stares at the note a little bit longer, passing her finger over the letters that he wrote to her. She can't think of a better way to start her day. She wonders what it would be like to receive letters and notes from him regularly. Lovely, it would be absolutely lovely.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Yousef has forgotten everything about his own food that lays in his plate as well as his steaming cup of tea, as he is looking at Sana from the Hufflepuff table. He was so excited to send her the note, thinking it would be a good thing to do but now he feels like an idiot for sending her an owl when he should have told her in person. Or maybe, he shouldn't have said anything because she still hasn't looked at him since she received the note (which was one minute and fifteen seconds ago, but who’s counting?).

He can't see if she's smiling or not and the wait he’s killing him. What if she thinks the note is weird? Who even writes or uses “you go girl” anymore? He's getting more stressed than he ought to be. Especially given that ,in less than thirty minutes, he is about to take the first of his final exams. Exams on which his future career depends on.

But instead on focusing on said exams, he is focusing on the prettiest girl he’s ever met who apparently is also the slowest reader in the world because it has now been one minute and twenty six seconds since she opened that note! But once again, who’s counting? He needs to calm down. It’s just a note. They had a great time yesterday, they even had a special moment where he imagined for a while what it would be like to travel with her. And a note that encourages her, even if it is the lamest encouragement ever, couldn’t ruin that.

Suddenly, she looks up. She looks straight at him with a spark in her eyes, as if she knew already the exact spot he was sitting at. He smiles back and she arches an eyebrow and mouths silently :"Are you ready?". He puts a hand on his heart and fakes an offended look and mouths in reply : "Am I ready?! I was born ready !".

She smiles with a small chuckles and he feels like he was indeed born ready. More than ready, he must have been born blessed because how can much can you fail in life if Sana Freaking Bakkoush is smiling at you?

She smiles at him several more times during breakfast and when he walks to his exam, he feels as if he could take on the world. It’s like she’s fuel in his vein. One smile from her makes his whole day better and his own smile doesn’t falter for the rest of the day.

He will send her a note every morning to wish her luck, just to see her smile.

In return, she will send him a note every evening, asking how his day went.

#skam #sana bakkoush #yousef acar #yousana #my writing

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