#sorry for my men im having a phase

[starryalpacasstuff]

Knock Knock Boys: A Queer Asian Lens

I didn't watch Knock Knock Boys as it was airing, because it didn't really seem like the kind of show I'd be into. However, this post by @lurkingshan and @waitmyturtles' enthusiastic recommendation convinced me to give it a shot. Having binged the entirety of the series in a day, I can say that the show was an absolute delight to watch.

I've seen plenty of people talking about how wonderfully sex positive the show was, so I'm not going to bother with going too much into it, but I will say that the drama clearly showed the kind of sex education and awareness that is desperately needed around the world. I also really liked how Lukpeach and Latte were the ones responsible for pretty much all of the sex education in the show. It was very realistic in that, in my experience, it's extremely common for teenagers and young adults to get a majority of their knowledge about sex from their friends and the internet. The show had a very clear message about the importance of talking freely about sex with younger generations, because the taboo on the topic only harms teenagers in the long run.

Now, besides that, there was one more issue that I thought the show did wonderfully: it showed how asian kids are often hesitant to discuss things with their parents because they assume the worst in the beginning. I'm having some trouble articulating this, because it's such an abstract, ingrained concept to me, so forgive me if this is incoherent. I'm also generalizing my experience as an Indian, so please do correct me if I'm wrong here. That being said, having been raised in a society that values respect and listening to elders without question, discussing alternate ideas with parents can be a very difficult thing for most of us. It's easy to assume what parents would say to an idea and decide that trying to convince them otherwise is a task that is either futile or requires too much energy.

The best way I can describe is that the mindset becomes "It's better to ask for forgiveness if you get caught instead of asking for permission straight away". For example, had Almond asked his mother if he could stay with three other guys, she would've most definitely flat out refused, since she would've had a lot of preconceived notions about the idea. But, because Almond is able to show her that he's happy as he was, she was perfectly fine with him continuing to stay with the others. I think that's the hallmark of most asian parents, they want us to be happy but they're convinced that they know what kind of life will make us happy. They did something similar with Peak and his father, but my feelings on that are a little more complex, so we'll come back to this.

Peak and Thanwa, man. I loved Latte and Almond but these two just stole the show for me. I know some people felt frustrated with Peak's dallying and hesitance, but I just felt so sad for him, and something about his situation just hit very close to home. And Seng, the actor that he is. One particular moment that stuck with me was the scene when he leaned against the door while Jumper attacked Max. I must've rewatched that moment half a dozen times, because his acting was impeccable. I will say, I wish that they'd given us a better resolution on the arc after Max, but those are mostly minor quibbles. What I really wanted to talk about was the arc with Peak's father. Peak gathering the courage to tell his father with the support from his found family was beautiful. The scene at Knock Knock House the day before Peak left was one of the most magnificent, emotionally charged scenes I've seen in asian ql in a while. Coming from a societ wherein arranged marriage is the norm, the storyline hit hard in all the right places.

But. I did not love the resolution of the arc. I think we've had some conversation about how some shows try to be both in the bubble and out of the bubble simultaneously, and the last two episodes of the show felt a little like that. From what we knew about the father, it felt almost too easy for him to simply accept everything right away. There should have been some struggle for reconciliation. I know that the show has a theme of assumptions and lack of communication disrupting parent-child relationships, but in this case how fast they move on just seems unrealistic. My cynicism aside, even if we assume that the father wasn't homophobic, there should've been more of a conversation on the breaking of the engagement! The social implications, the father asking him why he didn't say anything for so long, Jane's involvement (how did the father know that she knew about this?). The only argument I can see against this is that the father, while initially put off by the revelation, chose to act otherwise to support his son. But then, he most likely wouldn't have insisted they take his car. And there still should've been some sort of a conversation about the engagement. Arranged marriages have a purpose; it's to provide financial and social security. I find it extremely hard to believe that a father who arranged a marriage for his son wouldn't have so much as discuss the implications of being gay with him. They tried to have the engagement have consequences with the wedding banquet, but the resolution for that really only made it worse. This is cynical of me, but I simply cannot suspend my disbelief enough to believe that the entire wedding party was perfectly happy with the turn of events. This whole resolution just seemed out of place in a show that was otherwise so wonderfully grounded in reality while still being absolutely hilarious. I think, if the show had done something a little more similar to GAP, it would've felt more realistic.

All of that aside, I really did enjoy watching the show. It was hilarious and heartwarming, and the characters were absolutely wonderful. The resolution of the final arc did drag it down a little, but I would be lying if I said that watching two queer couples get to celebrate their relationships with their community didn't warm my heart at all (Also, side note- Jane having a girlfriend was a brilliant subversion). All in all, it's a great series. It definitely felt like something new and fresh compared to the kind of qls that I've been watching lately.

[forwomenbiwomen]

You know after finding radical feminism, and engaging with the theory seriously, I understand now what it means to be empowered. In the genuine, legitimate way. I feel like an actual human being, an actual animal, with actual thoughts and feelings that are HEARD. And UNDERSTOOD. By so many women of whom I was taught to dismiss and scorn.

Like I stopped shaving a few weeks ago. I feel empowered to do that, having been given the tools to stand up against the glares and the snide comments.

I stopped wearing makeup a few months ago. I felt empowered to do that, realising that my actual human face is worth something more than a decoration.

I started eating well and working out. I felt empowered to do that, having come to the realisation that I'm a human being with thoughts and desires and what the fuck was I doing with my life if I wasn't becoming the buff, athletic, energetic woman I dreamed about becoming as a child.

All of these things are not offered by liberal feminism. All of these things are sidelined as a choice that some women...."you know the type"..... did when they were scared and angry and stupidly lashing out at the poor men and their 'simple expectations for women's hygiene'. BULLSHIT.

I'm working on grounding myself in my own pov, one that isn't an invisible male audience. I'm arming myself with the knowledge to fight back against anti-feminist movements, and how to identify them. I'm working on centring women, and thinking critically about my own actions in relation to ALL of this.

How the fuck have I missed all of this for the majority of my life. I am a HUMAN BEING???????!? NOT A DECORATION????!?!?!???? Literally mind blowing, and

I never noticed it until now????????.

Every woman in my life is traditionally feminine. I believe they will shun me for being an extremist if I express my anger at the patriarchy. Idk but if this is extreme what the fuck is normal. Who made this up. When can I kill him 😭

[buzz-killed]

best moments from the tim buckley book part 2

1. tim was signed to the same label as the doors and was friends with jim. he liked jim offstage but didnt like him onstage. he thought jim was an embarrassing performer, either drunk or high all the time. tim felt he had no respect for his music and that he didnt take it seriously as a performer. he would walk out of doors live performances sometimes for that reason. his guitarist and others who've performed with tim have said that they never once seen tim give a live performance while intoxicated. i really wish this book revealed tim and jim's interactions but it doesnt. except for their regular conversations abt poetry/literature. like dude, u wrote this book and you were there!!! u were in tim's band and ur not gonna touch on that?? how did tim react when he heard the news that he died? no info on that either like why even mention jim, fool!

2. personally i rly luved reading abt the time tim went on a "america is better than england" rant at a pub in london bc they served him warm beer and he did it all in a southern accent and pretending to be from texas. the bartender punched him and threw him out. hes so stupid, the shit he said was so funny.

3. after getting kicked out from the pub he goes back to the hotel and continues another rant in the lobby about how "english rock musicians stole everything from black american musicians" (he didnt get thrown out or punched this time.)

4. dude was very destructive. crashing his car for fun/driving drunk or on lsd while ppl are riding in the car with him and all, starting fights w/ ppl, getting his friends into legal trouble. troubled boy behavior, u know how it is.

5. linda mccartney supposedly gave tim the clap (this was b4 paul). his guitarist didnt believe him so years later when he ran into her in person he asked her and she completely denied it so idk who's lying here. 🤔 (altho tim did have a rep for lying and if it is a lie, im interested on why he felt the need to, like what did she do to u tim? 👀🍵)

6. tim would put on this sad boy persona around girls bc he liked the attention/affection he got from them. he'd go on about his abusive father and his failed marriage and how he doesnt get to see his son, like his ass didnt move to new york with some bitch named jainie and didnt abandon his wife and son in california w/o hesitation, he was so pathetic! 💀

[oldirontender]

one good thing about taking a break in between designing something is going in with a brand new mindset and a TON of new ideas. one BAD thing about taking a break is wanting to go back and update ALL of your old designs to be "modern" even though you JUST did them like, 2 months ago 💀

[ilottcallum]

i was at both of metallica's shows in helsinki last weekend and boy i had the time of my life

[monzabee]

pon de replay - cl16 (+18)

masterlist ||

Summary: The one where Charles decide to prove to everyone that it is him that you belong to, and only him.

Pairing: charles leclerc x reader 

Word Count: 4.8k

Warnings: smuttt, nothing but pure filth, one might even say it is pwp, unprotected sex (cover your willy don’t be silly), oral (f receiving), kinda exhibitionism?, public sex, jealous charles, possessive charles, carlos being a little shit because he’s bored, poor lando, not even sure if i fulfilled the request or not, minors dni!! 

Request: “HELLOOOO! i have an idea and you don’t have to write it but it’s been rattling around in my brain and im never gonna write it (i constantly have way too many ideas to write them fr) myself so i figured i’d send it to you cause you’ve kinda restored my F1 phase with your work. basically, reader being very goofy, funny, and maybe a little bit too loud at times. just like a very silly and bubbly personality and she hangs out with some of the f1 boys (maybe because she’s famous in her own right like a dancer or something) so naturally EVERYONE ships her with lando. like hardcore, almost as bad as one direction fans ships (iykyk), and it sorta makes sense cause when they’re together it’s pure and utter chaos and they both express themselves with physical touch B U T ! she’s actually with charles. to her it makes total sense to be with charles instead of lando cause while lando is definitely attractive he’s too much like her and it’d be like dating herself whereas charles brings out a new calm side to her and she can bring out a goofier side to him. opposites attract type shit😭. maybe a little angst cause charles hates seeing all the edits and also feels a little insecure cause lando and reader DO make sense together in his mind so why’d you pick him instead? then like soft fluff/smut reassurance that charles is literally the man of her dreams, a literal fucking prince, and the best person she’s ever been with. ANYWAYS, im rambling! again, you don’t have to write this if you don’t connect with it or don’t have time i just needed an outlet SOMEWHERE for all the F1 brain rot.”

Author’s Note: hi, hey, hello!! i first of all want to start by saying that i’m very sorry that this isn’t exactly like the request, like at all, but it took me a criminal amount of time to actually get this finished so we’re not going to focus on that. okay? okay, great!! in all and all it was actually quite fun to work on this at the beginning, it was just kinda hard for some reason to work on the actual smut part, but i hope you guys enjoy! good morning, noon or night wherever you are, xoxobee

Please also note that all of my works are protected under copyright, and not available for reposting on other platforms. 

Charles wouldn’t call himself a possessive person, not a chance. He might be ambitious, and competitive, but possessive? That, he is not. He’s never been the type of get jealous of his partner’s friends, whether male or female, because he likes to think that he is mature enough to understand that people have friends. It’s that simple. And he is most definitely not the type of person to comment on what you wear when you’re going out, he is just not that guy. He’s fairly certain that his mother would materialise out of thin air and give him a good beating if he were to do that. So when you asked him about the dress you have on earlier before you left his apartment, the one that clings to your body so tightly that he can practically make out the outline of your tits from across the room? He just smiled and told you to have fun tonight – because he’s there to make sure you’re not put off by anyone staring at you in it.

So yeah. He’s not usually the type to let the jealousy take over his ability to think things out rationally, but when his girlfriend is dancing her heart away in the middle of the dance floor while every red-blooded men watch her with the same look in their eyes? Yeah, it’s not easy to keep his emotions in check at the moment given the circumstances. And it’s not that he even intends to pout like a petulant child at the bar, making sure to keep an eye on you, it’s just that he is an expressive person and his face reflects what he’s feeling that well. Totally because of that. It’s scary how utterly focused he is on you, watching your every move to make sure no one is bothering you, though you don’t seem to be in need of his help as he watches you dance with one of the girls you met when you first arrived to the club – and with Lando, though he tries not to focus on that part too much.

It's fine, though, he tries to make himself believe, it’s fine as long as you’re having fun. Though that doesn’t necessarily stop him from throwing daggers into Lando’s direction as covertly as he can. The way he has a friendly arm around you is driving him crazy, and he is not above stomping over there to pull you under his arm, drag you to the nearest bathroom and– Well, maybe he shouldn’t get too far ahead of himself just yet.

“They look good together, no?” He hears someone ask him from the side. He realises it is his teammate when he turns to give the person a glare.

“Who?” He asks, deciding to play dumb, but he can’t help himself as he makes a face while focusing his gaze back on you.

“You know who I’m talking about, cabrón!” Carlos exclaims, laughing as he pats him on the back and points to the two of you with a tilt of his head, “I’m glad he’s finally doing something about it rather than sulking around like a geriatric toddler.”

If he would have turned around any faster, Charles is sure his neck would actually, possibly, break. “What?” he spits out as he turns around, “Do you mean her and Lando?”

Carlos gives his teammate a confused look, “Yes,” he drawls out, “you didn’t know he had a crush on her? I thought the entire paddock knew!” Charles feels a surge of disbelief and a tinge of anger bubbling within him.

He wouldn't call it possessiveness, more like a primal instinct to protect what's his. But this revelation catches him off guard, shattering his carefully constructed facade of nonchalance. With doing his best to keep calm under the situation, he asks, “Are you sure you’re not making things up? I feel like you’re misreading the situation here.”

That receives another confused look from his teammate, and though Charles is quite the perceptive person, he misses Carlos starting to put the pieces together – thanks to his overreaction. “I guess so,” Carlos mumbles, loud enough for Charles to hear him in the loud club, “he’s always talking about her, though. The way she smiles, her hair, her dresses; did you know he even went to see one of her performances in Vegas?” Carlos feels bad, really, but there is also something so fulfilling in confirming his theories as he watches his teammate’s eyes bulge out at the mention of one of your dance shows in Vegas. Because Charles knows what those entail.

“I-in Vegas?” He stutters out, eyes moving to focus on your dancing figure again. And at that moment, he absolutely hates Lando. He hates him for having his arms around you, he hates him for dancing with you to the beat in a rhythm he never seems to be able to keep up with, he hates him for the way everybody seems to think the two of you seem to make a handsome couple, and he absolutely hates him for the way he makes you smile.

Charles Leclerc is not a possessive guy – until it comes to you, that is.

“Charles?” He hears Carlos call out his name, but he’s out of his seat long before he can hear the end of his sentence. He doesn’t mean to stomp across the dance floor to get to you. He really doesn’t. He also doesn’t mean to grab you by your arm and put a pause on your fun. And the smile you give him and the way you wrap your arms around his neck while you call him ‘Charlie’? Makes his heart stutter in a way that makes him forget why he ever came over in this first place. Because this should be normal – you, having male friends and spending time with them should not make him insecure. He should be fine with you and Lando spending time together because you both love the hustle and bustle of a club. But at that moment, he doesn’t care about what should be normal, no. He cares about the fact that someone other than him has managed to make you smile, and that he needs to remind you that he’s the only one who should be on the receiving end of all your smiles.

So when he drags you away from the dancefloor (and Lando, for that matter), he doesn’t listen to your objections. He doesn’t care about the way Carlos is watching from his place from the bar, putting all the pieces together as he shares a look with Lando. And he most definitely doesn’t care about the fact that he’s about to fuck you in the club’s bathroom. Well, maybe he does care about that last part. “Charlie,” you whine, your voice clearly scratched from shouting along the lyrics of the songs playing throughout the night, and he doesn’t miss the way you slur his name ever so slightly – which tells him that you had at least two drinks. Cosmopolitans, if he had to guess. “Pleaaase,” you drag out the word, pulling on his shirt to get his attention, “they are playing my song!”

His first mistake is to look at you, because the way your lips form a pout and the way you’re giving him puppy dog eyes is usually strong enough for him to give in. Though this is no usual situation. So instead of moving the two of you back to the dancefloor, he grabs you by your cheeks and presses his lips against you. In the middle of the club, where everybody can see him doing it. The way his lips move against yours is aggressive, and you’re definitely out of breath when he does move away. Cosmopolitans, he realises after tasting you. You've had cosmopolitans. Then, he just gives you a look, threads his fingers through yours and raises an eyebrow. Then he asks, “Are you going to be a good girl and come with me now, or should I do this the hard way and just carry you on my shoulder?”

If this was any other situation, you would totally say something bratty back. Hell, you might have actually said something rude if it meant him being rough with you, maybe spanking you a few times just enough times for you to learn your lesson. But you understand that this is no ordinary situation from his voice and the expression on his face. Charles is like that, you suppose. He’s an open book – meaning that it is very easy to understand what kind of a mood he’s in just by looking at his face, or listening to the undertone of his voice. And right now? Right now you know he’s pissed. You don’t necessarily know what you did, nor do you care. Mainly because all you want to do is make him feel better simply because of the reason that he is one of those people who’s just meant to smile at all times, not frown.

And so you nod gingerly, squeaking out a thimble, “Yes.” You finally meet his eyes as you wrap yourself around his arm, pushing yourself closer to him in the crowded club. “I’ll be good.”

This thumb does that thing where he caresses your knuckle, and he starts moving you through the crowd again. This time, however, you try to stick to him by matching the speed of his steps rather than trying to stay back. You told him you’d be good, you intend to keep your promise. He’s quiet all the way to the bathroom, and he’s quiet when he motions you to get inside, and he’s quiet when he closes to door and promptly locks it behind your back. You think for a moment you’re just there for a chat, maybe about that something you might’ve done, but Charles takes you by surprise as he grabs your waist and pushes you against the door, causing your eyes to widen with realisation of what you’re about to do in that bathroom.

“Charles, what’s wrong?” You try to ask, but he shuts you up with another kiss. And if you thought the previous kiss was aggressive, this one absolutely consumes you. He doesn’t even give you a fighting chance as his tongue quickly dominates yours, and he is relentless as he nips at your lower lip. You can’t help the mortifying moan that leaves your lips, and you push him away to inhale deeply. “What has gotten into you?” You ask, eyes wide due to the adrenaline coursing through your veins, “What happened?”

“You, happened.” He growls. And by that, you mean that he actually growls. His voice is a few octaves deeper than his usual voice, and you can see that he’s snappy. There is this dark look in his eyes that would otherwise scare you if you didn’t know him, but you do. Because he’s your Charles.

And you know this because the quickly leans into your touch when you bring one of your hands up to cup his cheek, giving him a confused look. “Did I do something?” You ask, voice soft amidst the humid bathroom. “Oh my god, is it my dress? Is it too short?” Your eyebrows draw closer as you start properly spiralling. “I knew I should’ve worn the shorts, why didn’t you say something?”

Your mini monologue about your party attire must have struck a chord because Charles suddenly exhales heavily, his forehead resting against yours as he closes his eyes. “No, non, it's not about the fucking dress,” he lashes out, his voice strained, and lace with something else that you can’t quite catch. “I don’t care what you wear, though I do appreciate the easy access.”

“Easy access?” You repeat, testing out the words as you come to a realisation. “What?” You exclaim, quickly taking your hand away from his face to lightly slap at his chest. “No! We are definitely not doing that here, are you out of your mind? You pulled me away because you can’t keep it in your pants until we’re home?”

“And why not?” He asks, and this time, you can see the unbridled rage behind his look. “Would you rather go back to Lando out there? You looked quite happy in his arms after all.”

And the realisation dawns on you right then and there. That this isn’t about your choice of dress for the evening, no. It is about Lando. Though you don’t get that part, since he’s both of your friend, so why is Charles being like this? And you would ask him, of course. But the look he gives you indicates that he doesn’t want to be tested in that exact moment.

So instead, you attempt to calm him down, by dragging your hand gently down his chest and wrapping your arms around his middle. He is like that, your Charles, sometimes he just wants to be held to see reason. “Charlie,” you call out, voice soft as you give him a pleading look, “why don’t you tell me what this is about, hm?”

You think he’s going to finally give in for a moment, but then he just gives you a blank stare. “I don’t want to talk,” he grunts, pulling you flush against him by the hands he has on your waist. His lips are on your neck faster than you can say anything, working his way towards your collarbones. The faint whimpers that come out of your lips bring a small smile to his lips knowing that he’s the one causing them, not Lando or any other guy.

“Charles,” you gasp, your fingers tangling in his hair as his lips trail along your skin. Despite the confusion and frustration swirling within you, you can't deny the way his touch ignites a fire deep within you, consuming your thoughts and leaving you breathless with desire. But as much as you crave his touch, you know that there are unresolved issues between you, issues that need to be addressed before you can fully give yourself to him in this moment. “Charlie,” you repeat, your voice barely above a whisper as you gently push against his chest, urging him to stop. “Stop, we need to talk about this.”

“Talk about what?” He asks, all breathy and with a wild look in his eyes. You can see that he’s trying to hold himself back, but at the same time his hands keep moving on your body in a way that makes you want to let him lose control and perhaps even join him. He successfully ignores your attempts at pushing him away, sliding his hands down on your body to grab the hem of your dress, clenching the material in his hand while dragging it upwards on your thighs until he reaches the soft skin of your stomach. “I have a thing in mind which might help me feel better.” Unable to take your eyes off of him, you take a stuttered breath as you watch him slowly get down on his knees, his lips pressing kisses starting form your sternum continuing down your body over your dress until you feel his lips on the exposed skin of your stomach. His kisses stop once he’s met with the top lining of your underwear, looking at you with a mischevious glint in his eyes as he nips at the nimble lace adorning the top. You call out his name in a weak whimper – though it is not clear to you, nor him, whether you’re asking him to stop or go on. Charles decides to go with the latter. “You know what to say if you want me to stop.”

You don’t really need his reminder, you realise, but it is a welcome one. Your cheeks blush even further when you feel his gaze on you as he lowers his face towards your core, leaving a sweet kiss onto your clit through the fabric of your thong. Suddenly, you want nothing more than to just rip to whole thing apart so there is nothing separating you from him, but you know the game, and you especially know that the ending is sweeter than what you could ever imagine at that moment. And so you wait – you wait until he eventually makes his move and gives your slit a generous lick through the fabric. Watching you is equal parts thrilling and painful, mainly because he wants to drag out his teasing as long as possible just to see you falling apart for him. It’s second nature to you, the way your hand threads through his hair to move him the way you want to, but it is of course not an option because it’s Charles who is in charge.

He makes this known by the way he pulls away, ignoring the way your hands scramble to guide him back to where you want him to be. He nips at the skin of your thigh in a warning manner, pulling a whine from your lips as he fixes you with a look, “You’re not in control tonight, mon bijou, I’ll stop if you try to take over. You got that?” It’s sobering to see him take control in such a way, you sweet little Charles. Usually, he has no problem just laying back and letting you take all the control, or even just making you believe you do. But now? With the way he’s looking at you with such hunger? You know you’d be soaking through your underwear if you weren’t so wet for him already. All you can do is offer him a meek nod, with your lips hanging open in shock, but he is not satisfied with your answer. No, he needs to hear you say the words. So, being the initiative person that he his, he tips at your skin again, this time earning himself a whimper along a grumble about how he’s being unreasonable. He isn’t, but that’s a topic to discuss another time, he decides. “I said, you got that?”

“Yes! Fine, yes!” You whine, grabbing your dress even tighter with your fist that isn’t buried in his hair, “Please just make me come.”

“See?” He asks, flashing you a sweet smile as he lowers his face back onto where you need him the most, “It wasn’t that hard now, is it?” The grumble about how he’s about to be the hard one, makes him chuckle to himself, the rumbling from it making you moan his name as he finally gives you what you want. His tongue works fast as he laps on the wetness through your underwear, soaking the material even more without a care in the world. If you weren’t wet before, you’re sure you’re definitely wet as he drags his tongue through your slit and back onto your clit to suck it through the fabric, causing you to let out a string of moans, each getting considerably louder as he works on your cunt.

The breath is knocked out of your lungs as the moments pass, as you become closer and closer to your impending release. You don’t even notice the fact that you’ve started to move your hips to match the rythym of his tongue, seeking something more to make you tip over the edge. You’re also very aware of the fact that Charles is letting you what you want to do, and though you’re scared out of you midn that he’ll stop like he threatened to do before, the little nod he gives you when you give him a pleading look assures you that he also wants you to come undone on his face.

Or so you’ve thought.

Because he knows your body so well that jus as you’re about to come he pulls back, leaving you high and dry, and even has the nerve to chuckle when he hears his name coming out of your mouth in a high pitched whine. You’re so lost in the moment that you almost miss the way he gently grabs your hands and removes them from his hair, pinning them above you and pushing you against the wall. “Why?” You whine, lips pushed out in a pout as your voice gets gradually whinier, “I was so close, Charles.”

“Oh, baby,” he cooes, “I know you were, I could feel it too.” He starts peppering your feverish skin with kisses, as if to say sorry for leaving you on the brink of an orgasm, and you find yourself arching your neck to expose more of your skin to his skillfull lips. You should stop him, some part of you screams to you in your head, because with the way he’s disguising the fact that he’s marking you with hickeys, but you don’t care at that moment. Your every breath and moan seem to motivate him to work faster, and harder, and when he eventually pulls back to leave a bruising kiss on your lips. A smirk finds its way onto his lips as he gives you an eyeing down, taking in how breathless you look. “Don’t worry, mon bijou, I’ll fuck you now, okay?”

You don’t even realise the nod you give him, too lost in his eyes to put words together to form a proper sentence. He’s gentle with you as he lets go of your hands and positions you the way he wants. With one of your legs wrapped around his hip he has better access to your soaked underwear, his fingers working quickly to pulling it aside. You don’t know when he managed to get himself free from his pants and underwear, but that doesn’t stop you from letting out a loud moan when you feel the tip of his cock circling your clit. “Please, please, please,” your voice cracks as you frantically beg him to do something more. You’d love nothing more than to scold him for the way he shushes you condescendingly, but any complaint you had evaporates when you feel him nudge your entrance. “Please,” you breathe out again, giving him pleading looks as you try to pull him closer somehow, “You promised me you’d fuck me.”

That manages to pull out a beathy chuckle for him, and as if he’s trying to console you, you feel his fingers gently caressing the skin of your hip. “Why don’t you do it yourself, hm?” A grin widens on his lips when you give him a look of confusion, and he leads one of your hands between your bodies for you to wrap it around his cock. “You want me inside you, right?” He rewards your tentative nod with a series of kisses down the column of your throat, “Come on then,” he mumbles into your skin, “put it in, pretty girl.” Exhaling a shaky breath, you keep your eyes on him as you guide him through your entrance. A gasp is torn from your lips when you feel his tip entering you, the initial stretch being more overwhelming because of the fact that you’re standing up. But Charles is quick to soothe you with his kisses down your neck, letting you control the rhythym and how further he can move inside you at first. With your hand making its way down to his hip, pressing him close to you, he quickly gets the message that you’re ready for him. “You’re ready?” He double-checks, raising his head to fix his eyes to yours.

“I swear to god if you don’t fuck me right now–” Your words are interrupted when you feel him move his hips back, just enough to have his tip inside you, and then he snaps his hips forward to thrust back in, making your breath hitch at the back of your throat. It doesn’t take very long for you to become a moaning mess, in fact, you’re more than ready to fall apart for him then and there, but you know he won’t let you until he gets his point across.   

“Look at you, mon bijou,” Charles darkly chuckles, hips matching the rhythym of the song playing outside at the dance floor, “what would people think if they saw you being such a mess for me in a club’s bathroom?” And the whine you let out in response to his question nothing if pathethic, but you can’t find it in you to care because of how good he’s making you feel. “Yes?” He prompts you, mocking the whiny ‘Yes’, that leaves your mouth before you start begging him to let you come. But he doesn’t, because he knows you can hold it until he’s ready for you too, and he tells you just that.

“So good, Charlie, so good,” you can’t help the broken moans you let out as he fucks you to the brink of an orgasm. But that is not enough for him, no. He needs everyone to know the two of you are together now, needs to get out all of his pent up frustrations out.

So when the opportunity presents itself with Lando knocking on the door asking if you are okay? A knowing smirk find its way onto his lips, and you try to silently plead with him with your eyes. “You want to cum?” He whispers in your ear, his thrusts becoming faster. “Say my name if you want to come, baby.”

“Please–” You gasp, hands grabbing the shirt he’s wearing. It’s no avail even if you try to keep your voice down. Because when Charles finds a way to slither his hand down between your legs and starts rubbing your clit in firm circles? You know there is no way you can stay quiet through your orgasm. “Why?” You manage to get out, “God, Charles please.”

“Tell me who’s making you feel so good, pretty girl.” He encourages you, his rhythym now almost brutal as he tries his best to make you come for him. “Come on, tell me who you belong to.” He chuckles darkly when he sees you shaking your head. “It’s not Lando, it’s me. You hear that?” Uh-huh, is the only answer he receives in return, but he is of course not satisfied with it. So, he gently pinches the inside of your thigh. “Tell me who’s going to make you come, or I’ll stop.”

“N-no!” You exclaim, too overwhelmed to see that his threat is an empty one, because he would never actually do something like that to you. “Please, please don’t stop.”

“Come on,” he cooes, the sweet words he whispers into your skin making you more and more malleable to his request. “Say my name baby, let me hear you.”

“Charles,” your loud moan cuts the heavy air in the bathroom. Cheeks flushed, breath unorganised and with that wild look in your eyes? There’s nothing Charles wouldn’t do for you. With every move of his hips, you moan his name louder, eventually tipping over the edge as he feels you squeezing his cock so tight that he almost loses himself then and there.

That’s not to say he doesn’t, of course. Because just as you’re about done with your orgasm, you feel him come inside you, chanting your name alongside mine, mine mine. It takes a long time for the both of you to get back to your senses, but he’s extremely gentle with you as he helps you down and fixes your underwear. You find yourself snuggling up to him when he eventually takes you into his arms after fixing his own clothing, nuzzling your nose to his neck. “You know, I think I like the jealous side of you.” You mumble, leaving a few kisses across his jaw.

“Yeah?” He asks, a breathy chuckle leaving him as he cradles your face with both of his hands, his thumbs caressing the apples of your cheeks.

“Yeah.” You nod, giving him a small smile, “But I need you to take me home, please, I can feel your cum dripping down my leg.”

“Oh baby,” he coos, tutting as he slides his hands down your body to grab you by the waist, “we’re not going home, it would be rude to leave our friends by themselves. Don’t you think so?” The flabbergasted look that you give him makes another chuckle come from his lips as he slowly turns you towards the door. His lips find the junction between your neck and shoulder again as he announces, “We’re going to go back out there, and we’re going to dance. We wouldn’t want you to miss your song now, would we?”

And when he opens the bathroom door and you hear the first words to a Rihanna song you love? You know it’s going to be a long night ahead of you.

[plaidos]

just had a weird experience searching your blog for "bi" and seeing you defend the existence of bi lesbians and then scrolling more and seeing older reblogs that blame them for men trying to pressure lesbians lmao glad you came around, i'm curious what changed your mind if you don't mind me asking

in my early late teens/early 20s i went through a phase of just repeating anything said by the people who “let” me share space with them, assuming that it was a fact. what changed my mind was observing the world around me, opening my eyes and questioning why i felt so afraid to voice my discomfort amongst those people. for most of the last decade i was in a string of bad relationships with sexually coercive TME lesbians who were pretty much constantly blaming me (whether they said it or not) for having been assigned male, and this culminated in me being drunkenly pressured into having sex with a man by my TME lesbian partner. i mistook the cultural expectation of trans women to be sexually available to any/everybody for “bi people (read: bi women) are pressuring people/allowing men to coerce lesbians into being bi”. it was stupid, rash, and embarrassing.

i don’t mean to excuse my biases — my actions are/were my own, and only im responsible for them, don’t get this twisted — but this was a time on tumblr where trans women would basically be excommunicated from any feminist/lesbian spaces if we openly disagreed with any of a number of open terfs & their ideology — at this point that included any conception of sexuality that didn’t rely copiously on Adrienne Rich’s understanding of “comphet”.

i think i — and many other trans women — were desperate to be recognised as lesbians “instead” of trans women, specifically because we knew our acceptance & sometimes safety rested on us being the former (and only if/when trans women are to be considered women, which was rarely) and not the latter. to put it bluntly, i accepted & regurgitated the bigotry of the “in-group” to (limply & uselessly) defend my (barely extant) position there, which was basically non-existent. regardless, i’m sorry. it was tremendously wrong of me.

[greenorangevioletgrass]

Hi Ava!

I would love love love if you could write a little blurb about Jake 🤠

Maybe something where he's being a little possessive (but in a good way) about his lady and he says "That's my girl" or something along those lines 🥰

Please accept this sexy Glen gift as payment 😂

I hope you're having a lovely day!

EEEEEP! im so stoked for this! i wrote this with my astronaut!reader in mind (fic coming soon 😉) but this can be read as a standalone, general!reader. but listen listen listen

Jake is a possessive guy by nature, but he likes to think he has chilled out more at his age. And instead of getting all territorial every time a guy hits on you when you go out, he has taken to sit back and watch the chaos unravel before him.

Right now, a young Naval officer is talking your ear off at the bar. This is so typical; he can’t go to the bathroom for two minutes without some dumbass trying to win your attention. He wouldn’t blame them, though. Your red lipstick makes him (and all these men) weak in the knees, and that white sundress you’re wearing makes you look angelic—if only they knew you weren’t wearing anything underneath. Your eyes meet as Jake makes his way over, gleaming with mischief, and Jake decides to take the empty seat next to the guy first. Get a load of this, you all but say to him in a single look.

“Yeah, so you know a G-force? Like the accumulation of the force of gravity that we experience in the aircraft is just… insane. We could go anywhere from 5 and 9 G’s— why are you smiling?” The guy smiles at you somewhat nervously.

“No, I just… it’s cute, that’s all.” You sip on your gin and tonic. “I get 12 G’s just going to the station.”

“Pfft! Where do you work, anyway? NASA?”

“As a matter of fact, I do,” you answer lightly, plainly.

His face falls. Jake can’t even see it, but he can see the shoulders drooping and he laughs quietly, tapping this man on the shoulder. His face goes red.

“Commander Seresin! I—”

“Run along, Ensign… Hastings. That’s my girl.” Jake slots his arm around your waist—a territorial lite move.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know…”

“Nice meeting you.” You flash him a smile of formality, effectively ending the conversation with that guy. He awkwardly phase out into the crowd and you’re now left alone together again.

Jake laughs, pulling you in closer by the waist. “You are such a menace, you know that?”

“You love that about me.”

And he does. Gosh, he really does.

[ladyofthebookcase]

some thoughts i have about the boss themes in nine sols, not including eigong since i haven't beaten her yet. i dont know jack shit about instruments so im sorry if i got any of them wrong but im not a musician i just listen to a lot of music.

lots of little chiming sounds in the melody of goumang's theme (like bells, although maybe i'm reaching), and ominous and discordant sounds making up the background; obviously symbolizing her control over the shi brothers and her use of necromancy as a highly unnatural force. the key sounds minor, which ties into that as well. it's a very fast, intense, and ominous song. also it has no vocals! just various electronic-esque beats and melodies! and it's over quite quickly it's one of the shortest boss themes. despite goumang's presentation of survival of the fittest ideals, when it comes down to it, she's not the fittest and ends up coming across as kind of defanged if that makes sense.

the start of yanlao's theme sounds like a machine booting up. then there's the deep chanting/throat singing? which i think could represent the repository and the artefacts and all the stuff he's been pressured by others to store there if that makes sense. then there's a more traditionally vocalized interlude, which could represent yanlao himself amid the chanting voices of the repository. the theme is highly electronic in nature and, and this is just because i have some form of synesthesia, but it sounds the way the visuals of the boss fight look, all hot pinks and bright greens and blues.

the start of jiequan's theme sounds very very much like the start of another song on the soundtrack but i can't remember which one it is-- maybe one that plays in the apeman facility??? idk. but then that's interrupted by the very intense and in-your-face music, with the actual taipei men's choir doing the chanting (which is very funny to me idk why). i think that's the jie clan and its legacy that jiequan is carrying on and attempting to revive. elements of rock/electric guitar in here, forming a melody thread that kind of overlaps with the choir-- that could be jiequan himself. it kind of gives the vibe of like modernizing something ancient (the rock music mixed with the chanting? am i reaching here?? idk)

lady e's theme has a gentle piano as the "core" melody. the main singer sounds almost like she's screaming in places, but not quite-- lady e trying to hide her anguish and torment from everyone for the longest time. god shes so me. im not sure if my spotify player is just bad but it almost sounds like it glitches out at certain points too? and then there's the screaming in the background before the chorus, representing her coworkers of course. also, the sort of techno beat layered over the piano is really cool; it's like the piano is the peaceful serene part of the soulscape, and the techno part is the technological nature of it, an artificial perfect world. i love this theme so fucking much.

fuxi and nuwa's theme has only two voices the whole time, presumably "their" voices based on the other opera that we see nuwa singing (the female voice in their theme is the same as that one afaik); and how nuwa tuned out all the problems facing the empyrean district and new kunlun at large in order to indulge in her hobbies and hang out with fuxi, and how the two of them had the luxury of being able to do that, is clearly reflected in this, with their theme incorporating no other voices unlike many of the others. initially, fuxi's voice carries most of the song, with nuwa's doing backup vocals, like the first phase of the fight; but the song has almost a second phase as well, where nuwa's voice becomes the main one for a while before fuxi rejoins her. i'm sure the symbolism there is obvious. it's a very rich and layered song, there's a lot going on, lots of instruments and different cool sounds. GOD this fucking soundtrack is so well designed they put so much thought into how to make all the boss themes fit the different sols AUGH. AND AND!! when the song ends the last voice you hear is nuwa's, fuxi's ends dramatically but nuwa's carries on for a little longer. holy fuck.

ji's theme starts slow, and then a choruslike sound bursts in, sounding like a bunch of different voices overlapping each other to the point where they become the same-- the people in ji's past, probably, all the history they've lived to see, it probably blurs together after living for as long as he has. then there's a "chorus" section (though fully instrumental), with a gentle like hopeful rise and a lot of uhhhh metal percussion in the bg? idk instruments. but there's like a jangling beat and this dramatic choir-like rise and im not sure what it means honestly but it's very ji. actually the choir could be like, the core of themself and their personality, and the other beats the background noise/other people he's been? open to input on this one (and all tbh).

all i can say about eigong's theme is that it's the same as the opening and possibly somewhere in the apeman facility which is really its own symbolism

[venuscnjunctpluto]

My first astrology observation

Credit: @venuscnjunctpluto

(Pls excuse the book at the end y’all I’m just sick of straight men)

*Black men w virgo rising either have dreads that they let hang in front of their eyes or they want dreads that they let hang in front of their eyes😭

*actors with mars-pluto aspects or Scorpio mars can play convincing psychopaths and villians (dacre Montgomery, drew starkey, ethan cutkosky)

*Saweetie and Mariah the scientist are Unconfirmed Taurus risings idgaf

*I have Pisces and Neptune in my 11th and when I tell you pisces can be so manipulative. I’ve been friends w all types of Pisces placements. Esp when Aries in is in mix they know exactly how to act like children and therefore literally be seen as children (zero accountability). For example chrisean rock whose a Pisces w an Aries mars.

* the biggest players are Scorpio/libra placement men by FARRR. They’ll flirt with anybody and they’ll befriend people who they know for a fact are interested in them romantically. You’ll know that they like when you they never “leave” you in any way, when they try to help you anyway they can, and when they change themselves for you (as terrible as that is that’s the truth). Lemme say after a break-up or any situation they feel wronged their hoe phase is terrible. They don’t gaf at ALL and my friend even got caught up (he spent the whole summer flirting w her after his gf dumped him and then ignored her once we got back to campus) she still doesn’t want to believe he was playing her.

*Im sorry but any prominent sag + Scorpio placements scare tf out of me. I had a stalker with a sag rising Scorpio Venus and mars and my cousin had an obsessive fwb w a sag rising Scorpio moon. Ted Bundy had hella sag and Scorpio on his chart. They have the humor and impulsiveness of a Sagittarius mixed with the intensity and passion of a Scorpio. I think it’s hard for people to realize how insane they are because they’re too busy cracking jokes😫

* 8h stellium natives we see the REAL in people like they come around us and act a mf fool

*women w Lilith inspecting ascendant🤝 Venus-Lilith aspects

*Me w an Aries rising 🤝 men w mars ruled venuses (Aries and Scorpio)

*Can we talk about why a lot of gemini Venuses have race fetishes😭 they’ll literally seek out certain races usually a group they’re not apart of

*8th house synastry is very strange to me. From my experience staring is very real, manipulative, and a lot of push-pull dynamics no thank you😮‍💨

*One really weird thing is I notice men who date younger women always have a cap mars like wtf. They seem to really like the power dynamics involved.

*Ok so me and my friend whose a female both have Venus conjunct pluto at like 2 degrees. I met a guy born a day after me and so did she (so they had Venus Pluto as well) We were intrigued because I’ve had my share of strange relationships but i noticed how light his energy was (the guys whose birthday was near mine). He didn’t really give off the same energy. i truly think it represents a guy’s relationship with women not necessarily him. I have seen women obsess over them but the women always had Scorpio energy in their natal chart already. also have a Madonna whore complex real mf bad so watch out. The WOMEN around them have Plutonian energy already and that’s why 8/10 they’re involved w Scorpio women. I’ve seen the same thing with women w mars-pluto (my mom has this conjunction and my step-dad is a Scorpio). Venus-Pluto men are not magnetic but with the way women (usually Scorpio influenced) act around them makes them think they are and they can become addicted to this attention. Yes other men can be jealous of how women act around them but sometimes they see the Venus-pluto man’s thirsty ways. I’ve seen men w this placement cross their friends for attention from girls. I met this guy w Venus square pluto and he seemed funny at first but he was so sleazy and childish when it came to talking to women I didn’t even wanna be around him. They also have a “type” usually. I’ve seen two men with this placements date girls who look like they could be sisters it’s very weird. I also believe Venus-Pluto men usually end up w women who have money *coughs* city boys or come from better financial situations than them while Venus-pluto women usually have the money they had before a relationship (even if through family). Ex: Beyoncé, Nicola Peltz, Ryan Destiny. You wanna see some real magnetism (and transformative chaos) find a woman w Venus Pluto and a man w mars Pluto🫦

[belphiesgirlfriend]

Obey me! Brothers music taste headcanons

——————————————————————————

more like ramblings than headcanons tbh but i had this stuck in my head and needed to get it out, also feel free to send requests for diff headcanons!

Cw’s: none!

Little bit satirical (i over exaggerate sometimes cuz it’s funny) but pretty in character overall i thinkk

——————————————————————————

Lucifer:

• You know this motherfucker listens to classical music and classical music only cuz he’s boring

• Okay but jokes aside i see him listening to like 30’s 40’s 50’s music especially the love songs.

• Like straight up fallout 4 soundtrack music, he’d listen to it while doing paperwork or unwinding

• He’d definitely be really prideful (no duh) about his taste in music, he’d feel all fancy and refined when he tells people

• Type of dude to be like “modern music simply can’t compare to the classics…” shut up grandpa we get it u know bach’s zodiac sign, penis size, and mothers maiden name

• Wants to be different so bad, he’d strictly listen to music from his vintage record player or some shit cause it’s the “most authentic” way to listen, fr acts like a manic pixie dream girl (he’d hit me upside the head if he heard me say that sorry luci🫶)

——————————————————————————

Mammon:

• r&b and spanish music

•but i feel like he’d like 2000s party music from all the clubbing and casinos

• def a weekend listener and like 90’s rap

• but also like i wouldn’t be surprised if he listened to some 90s rock too

• he’d listen 2 sublime or nirvana or local h (i’m projecting on the last one)

• but anyways he’d be a #1 rihanna fan he’d blast her music in his room but then deny liking her💀make it make sense!!

• also he knows her best album is loud CAUSE HE HAS TASTE!!

• also tyler the creator i get the vibe he’d love him

• kali uchis fan too

•ALSO i feel like he had a phase where he listened to juice wrld and was like “these cheating lying females….” after he got his heart broken by a witch YOU CANG TELL ME IM WRONG😭😭 it’s okay though cause he’s embarrassed by it now

• oh childish gambino too duh forgot about him

ALSO LET ME MENTION DINERO IS LITERALLY HIS SONG ITS ACTUALLY HIS

——————————————————————————

Levi:

• this one’s gonna be real fucking short IM SORRYYY

• he listens to anime openings and game soundtracks

• also vocaloid

• that’s literally all i can think of dude

• he’d be like “i don’t have time for normie music…”

• his room is literally that old caramelldansen meme from 2019/2020

——————————————————————————

Satan:

• this one was harder for me to pinpoint

• first instinct would be classical music but it’s canon he likes ska music too so 🤷‍♀️

• i really do feel like he’d listen to all types of music, like a true jack of all traits, if he likes it he likes it so his playlist is allllll over the place

• for some reason i get a vibe he’d really like 80s music in particular though

• the song that pops into my head is who can it be now? by men at work idk why

• maybe even older music i feel like he’d like sam cooke

• OH both him and belphie would like mazzy star and fiona apple idk why but they would

——————————————————————————

Asmo:

• okay crucify me for this one but…mitski I JUSG FEEL LIKE HE WOULD

• but i also see him loving lady gaga a lot cuz he has taste

•omg he’d listen to old katy perry too

•but yea also probably lil nas x he’d have a celeb crush on him

• oh tyler the creator too with his gay ass, him and mammon both love him, they def have done a duet to see u again

• he’d be a barb probably defend nicki too😭

• and as much as it pains me to say it, he’d fucking listen to ayesha erotica and be like “this is so good!!!”, hed post a devilgram story with one of her songs and then get cancelled on twitter

• “I made a severe and continuous lapse of judgement…” and then did the same thing a week later

——————————————————————————

Beel:

• type of guy when you ask him what music he listens to he goes “idk i don’t really listen to music”

• he legitimately looks up “hype playlist” on youtube to work out and that’s the extent of it

• really can’t see him being a big music guy

• if u invited him to a concert or something he’d go though for food

•he’d give you a piggy back ride so u can see better

• tbh if u were to put on music he would not care much no matter how good/bad it is

• you could walk in on him working out and literally listening 2 cbat or some shit

• HE LITERALLY IS CBAT GUY😭 he’d be like “i always use this song when i’m working out..

——————————————————————————

Belphie:

• emo fucker

• i feel like he’d like emo/ 90s rock ( but more “rockish” than mammons 90’s rock)

• but he’d also love any more relaxing music with softer vocals

• he’d be a deftones fan I KNOW GHATS FUCKING BASIC AND UR ROLLING UR EYES BUT LISTEN

• they have the combination of 90s rock but also more soothing calming vocals, theyd literally b perfect

• and for that reason his favorite albums r koi no yokan and saturday night wrist, also their self titled,

• would call mammon a poser for his music taste “nirvana isn’t even *real* rock idiot🙄”

• but nah, also like i said in satans fiona apple and mazzy star fan

• he’d suck so bad though he’d go on twitter and be like, “if you like deftones ur a poser” (while being their number 1 fan, fucking brat) then turn off his phone and take a nap for the funny

[sweetlummie]

Sad Little Girl

Mood board by my lovey love @iamasaddie tysm 💗

‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚.

Joel Miller x fem!plus size!reader

A/n: hello everyone! I’m back with an actual fic! This one is near and dear to my heart and very personal to me, I hope you enjoy it! Big s/o to @xdaddysprincessxx for proofreading! Ilysm mama 💗💗💗 This fic was made with game!joel in mind! As always constructive criticism is welcome! Enjoy! Likes, comments, and reblogs are appreciated! 🫶🫶💗💗 (reupload to see if it shows on tags bc tumblr is fucking me hardcore rn.)

Warnings: mentions of SA and heavy trauma, age gap (reader is in her 20s Joel is in his 50s), death of a loved one, also David is mentioned. If I missed any lmk!

W/c: 1.5k

* ・‥…━━━━━━━ *˖◛⁺♡ ━━━━━━━…‥・

Growing up during the apocalypse wasn’t fun. There were many horrible, disgusting men that would do whatever they wanted. The need to survive set aside, they fucked with other people, especially women to get their twisted pleasure. You had fallen victim to that terrible abuse, but out of some sick and twisted mercy the most that had been done to you was being touched inappropriately and had a man expose himself to you. Worst of all? It was in your own home.

Your dad was a part of the smuggling circle and would often have his colleagues over to discuss routes, plans, and merchandise. One of his least trusted associates was the one that tortured you to no end. Because of that you didn’t feel like yourself, you didn’t feel like a girl. As the days passed you wore baggier clothing, you cut your hair to your shoulders, you bound your chest to get rid of any semblance to a woman. What also helped was that you were bigger than the average girl, you thought that maybe you looked broader, more like a male. This was how you coped, how you pushed everyone away.

When you found out your father died it was like a bucket of cold water to your skin. You didn’t know what you were gonna do or how you were gonna get by. A few days after you received the news about your father, there was a knock on your apartment door. Grabbing one of your father’s weapons you hesitantly opened it to find Joel Miller, your dad’s most trusted acquaintance. You lower your weapon and stepped aside to let him in.

“Hey bunny..” Joel began, you never understood why he called you that, based on your appearance you were nothing like a bunny. Not cute, not soft, not friendly.. You were the opposite. “Sorry ‘bout your dad.. Look, your pa on one occasion told me that if anythin’ were ta happen to ‘im for me to take care of ya.. Now I know you're a grown woman that can make her own decisions and take care of herself but I still wanted to offer ya a place to stay.. I know how awful solitude can be and I really care ‘bout ya..”

You had to process what he was telling you but you liked Joel, though you had some very negative interactions with men in the past, he was the only one you trusted aside from your father. You nodded your head in agreement and as the days and weeks progressed you moved your things little by little to his and Tess’ apartment.

You kept to yourself most of the time, mostly passing your time by drawing, reading, or listening to music when you didn’t work. Tess and Joel would sometimes let you go with them to their smuggling jobs but Joel would keep you close.

Joel noticed something was up with you, he noticed your change from the beginning. While your father thought nothing of it he noticed when his cheery-eyed bunny lost the spark in her eyes and became dull. He wanted to talk to your father about it but he felt like it wasn’t his place to say anything. He noticed how you presented yourself, manlier than you used to be and more quiet. Now this change he mentioned to your father.

“Hey man, I noticed somethin’ up with bunny.. Why she dressin’ like that suddenly? Seems like a drastic change..”

But your dad always brushed it off saying it was a phase that you were going through but Joel knew it was more than that.

‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚.

It had been a few months that you had been staying with Joel and Tess when one day after Joel and Tess went after Robert, Joel came back with a 14 year old girl named Ellie. You looked at Joel surprised and he pulled you aside to a room to talk about what was happening. He and Tess were going to deliver this girl to the fireflies at the capital and it wasn’t going to take them long.

“I wanna come.” you told Joel, he shook his head “Nah, just me ‘n Tess.. Too dangerous..” That answer didn’t satisfy you. “I’m coming with you. Whether you like it or not.” and you left to go where Ellie was. Joel chuckled lowly and shook his head again, he knew better than to argue with you, you were a little spitfire, just like your dad.

When your journey began you kept to yourself and only spoke if you heard something or needed something. Ellie tried to talk to you but you would only respond with a nod or a shake.

“What’s up with her.. Him? Nah her?” she asked Tess and Tess chuckled. “I don’t know, kid, she’s a nice lady, just quiet is all.” Joel took that chance to check up on you.

“Ya alright? Need anythin’?” you shook your head and Joel left you be.

‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚.

Your trip had gone sour, Tess was dead and now you were on route to Lincoln. Tess’ death hit you hard but you know you have to be strong for both Ellie and Joel. After you had all processed her death you figured it would be best to open up now since it was only the three of you left. You began talking more and found that you shared a lot of things in common with Ellie. You two became quickly attached and while Joel did his best to ignore you both, being the ever stoic and grumpy man he is, he was still really happy that you opened up.

Little by little Joel noticed a positive change in you, the sparkle in your eyes was slowly returning and now you openly were conversing and laughing with both Joel and Ellie. Your progress was quickly squandered though when Joel got hurt and by events with David, a creepy school teacher turned psycho cult leader. You took care of Joel while weeping silently, you were scared you were gonna lose the man you trusted, the man you felt safe with. You know you should’ve gone hunting, you know what happened with Ellie is your fault. You both scrambled as you tried to lead David and his men as far away from Joel as possible. But in the end you both got caught. You and Ellie were held in different areas but you panicked as you saw the disgusting look in his eyes. You knew exactly what he wanted to do with you and especially Ellie.

After what happened with Ellie it triggered your PTSD and you just held Ellie as you both wept. You both had been fairly quiet on the trip to the hospital. It killed Joel to not just see one of his girls be quiet and devoid of life but both of them. Especially since you had come such a long way.

That night when Ellie slept he approached you and asked if you both could talk. You agreed and followed him a little away from the camp not to disturb Ellie’s sleep but still keeping a close eye on her.

“Bunny… I’m sorry ‘bout what happened.. you ‘n Ellie didn’t deserve that.. I shoulda been there to protect y’all..” of course Joel blamed himself when it wasn’t his fault at all.. with a sigh you begin to speak. “It’s not your fault Joel.. it’s mine.. I should’ve been more careful towards Ellie.. she.. we..” you burst out crying and for once you felt the warm embrace of someone who loved you. You would cry by yourself at nights, not wanting to disturb your dad with your seemingly insignificant issues.. but for once you cry and you just get held.. you craved that more than anything else.. as much as it pained you, you told Joel everything that happened in the QZ for years before your father died.. he clenched his jaw and held you tighter..

“I wish ya woulda said somethin’ bunny.. never liked that freak anyway.. woulda killed ‘em for ya..” Joel whispers as his lips pressed into your hair. You chuckled and just let the tears fall. It felt good to get it off your chest, to let Joel in.. you felt safe, you felt secure in his arms.

‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚.

When you return to Jackson, you’re a whole new person. You and Joel live together in a house while Ellie lives in her shed. You’ve begun to let your hair grow out again, decorating it with cute hair accessories you would find, you’re wearing pretty, fitting clothing, even dresses! Joel sees how brightly you’re shining. No longer are you the shy quiet girl that people assumed was a brute boy. You changed totally. You were truly beautiful in his eyes. You were thankful for Joel, he made you feel safe, he made you feel true peace. Enough to where you felt like you didn’t have to protect yourself anymore, enough to where you could finally be yourself and not worry about getting hurt. He would protect you, he would be there for you. You were his bunny, you finally felt at home.

* ・‥…━━━━━━━ *˖◛⁺♡ ━━━━━━━…‥・

[thedvilsinthedetails]

Heyyyy…

hey im still figuring out what i wanna be called but for now u can call me Jamie if u want I’m genderfluid as fuck [they/she/he or whatever idegafatp]

some typa aroace spectrum probs grayace & demiromantic also omniromantic - in general I have nothing figured out

so a simp w like a slight preference for men ig but kinda ace most of the time but sometimes very not

neurospicy bitch

writing request status: OPEN FOR MICROFICS RN

I’m a rosekiller loverrr but also a multi shipper so u never know what ur gonna see ig [but probably Rosekiller, Wolfstar, Dorlene, Starchaser maybe some sunkiller if I’m in the mood etc] for the record just bc I don’t ship smth doesn’t mean I support hating it even as a joke [translation: prongsfoot is chill leave them be]

if u don’t like smth, just ignore it, if u send me hate I’ll reply w shitty jokes probs

my dream job is to be an actor [screen actor specifically]

Media I like:

Fav TV stuff: Challengers, Gravity Falls, Cruella, 10 things I hate about you, into the spiderverse

Fav author is @neil-gaiman also that man is my idol so I’ll probs reblog him a shit ton [do u think he’ll like…mind that I tagged him? Sorry if this bothered u Neil!!!] Music [uhhh changes all the time tbh but for rn]: The Neighbourhood, Olivia Rodrigo, Conan Gray [Kid Krow phase rn], Chappell Roan, Renée Rapp, Green day, Ricky Montgomery, NOAHFINNCE, MARINA and Hozier

Spider-Man. Fucking love Spider-Man.

One thing to note about me tho: obvi I love recommendations but I find starting literally any new forms of media really fucking daunting for no reason [this is everything: songs, movies, books etc]

e.g. I fucking love spider verse but I still haven’t watched movie 2, same w latest season of young royals, same with even like ONE song alone I find it rlly hard and really scary

so if u give me recommendations and I don’t get back to u about them for ages it’s not bc I forgot or i was ignoring u but bc I find it scary so pls be patient :)

also same w please don’t like assume I’m knowledgeable about like any of the music artists I named earlier bc tbh I don’t rlly listen to artists I listen to songs [im still a fan of a lot of music artists ofc but the artists I listen to ≠ the artists I’m a fan of]

HI! welcome to my crazy blog, I love making friends im not at all scary I promise :D

Btw my inbox is ALWAYS open for spam, ship ramblings [even if it’s not smth I ship], info dropping about ur hyperfixations, venting, questions etc. [the only thing is no illegal ships bc it will be ignored] also sorry pre warning im shit with the inbox chains [‘send this to ten people who…’] so often I won’t answer those sorry, anything else I will make sure to answer but the chains I sometimes just forget about sorryyy

Barty Crouch Jr & James Potter kinnie

got a FAT crush on Evan Rosier [he’s the loml he just doesn’t know it yet] and also a crush on Dorcas Meadowes

I write sometimes:

I fell for you like glitter on stage - rosekiller band au, this was a microfic series on tumblr that I posted on ao3 for convenience [words: 4548] [this is my fav thing I’ve ever written lol]

we are all just prisoners here of our own device - Jegulus, a oneshot on ao3 based on the song ‘hotel California’ by the eagles. [Words: 6162]

Oh where do we begin? The rubble or our sins? - ON HIATUS. Roman Empire Jegulus au with side Rosekiller, Wolfstar and Pandalily on ao3 [words: 6141] [currently I don’t want to write Jegulus - the hyperfixation hath faded]

also I’m in a marauders RP as Barty and u shld follow it bc we’re all super cool and funny and amazing and awesome and yeah @bartythebabygorljr

tags you’ll see on my page:

me and my old black biro > writing tag

Im in love with that Rosier boy > [this is a new one] me having a massive crush on Evan Rosier

the most boring soap opera > my life tag

I have an online diary called @miseryoforpheus if ur fascinated by my charming and irresistible personality

[The song at the bottom of my intro post changes all the time depending on how I’m feeling]

THIS BLOG SUPPORTS PALESTINE

THIS BLOG STANDS WITH UKRAINE

THIS BLOG THINKS JK ROWLING HAS A NEGATIVE QUANTITY OF BRAINCELLS

[catbountry]

Speaking as Straight White Male it is beyond tiring to see every minor viral social media post turn into justification for "actually this is why men are radicalized!" Like im sorry they thought the Bear was a safer option, im sorry that poisoned MnMs was something that hurt your feelings and so on but holy shit get some perspective. i had my little "Not all men!" phase too bu i was 19 or something. learn empathy, learn that "Men" is a demographic and not you personally. it always feels like some flavor of a lack of reading comprehension, like that time when there was that thing where there was a thing of people thinking toxic masculinity meant that all masculinity is toxic.

it seems so unreasonable to say "the way to stop white men from radicalization is for women and other minorities to take them by the hand and ask them to nicely consider them people" rather than "dudes need to learn to tamp down on their knee jerk reactions to group criticism and being exposed to people out of their demographic"

The fact that you were 19 years old and had that as a phase but got out of it. That's the thing I'm pointing to, and I feel like I've not done a good enough job at highlighting that as my point. It's not even about a lack of reading comprehension, I think a lot of people who retreat to the internet for most of their socialization are more likely to be lonely and recruited. How many fucking Twitter memes do we need to have of people reading far too much into innocuous statements to prove that yeah, it is a lack of reading comprehension, but a lack of reading comprehension is not something that happens in a vacuum. And there are people who are very eager to sell people bad ideas based on those misconstrued readings because they speak to a feeling of disenfranchisement.

When I talk about this sort of thing, it's in a preventative way. Most people don't arrive at being a moral and righteous person all on their own; usually they fuck up along the way, have to apologize, readjust their views with new information and new perspectives. Having been in anti-SJW spaces, and having that phase last far longer than I'm comfortable with... I wouldn't have gotten out if I hadn't had people who liked me push back on some of the dumb shit I was saying. Granted, I was not some kind of neo-Nazi; I was an edgelord and a transmedicalist who constantly felt like Padme in that one Star Wars meme; the one of her in the field with Anakin. It was a lot less of a leap to come to a lot of the views I hold now. But if those people around me had all cut me off? Who fucking knows how much worse I could have gotten? Who even knows if I'd still be alive, typing this right now? I got into those spaces in the first place because people proclaiming themselves to be progressive were bullying my friends and I, on top of me being depressed and then traumatized by losing my dad. I was a fucking mark.

I'm not coming at this from the angle of "oh, if we just hug and kiss all the horrible Nazis they'll realize how righteous we are, uwu," I'm coming at it from the perspective of wanting to be the kind of person I had around me that got me out to people who were in similar positions to myself. I'm not seeking these people out. I have no desire to do that. Hell, I don't even think most people should do this, but because of my own personal experiences... I at least have to try if I'm having an otherwise benign conversation with someone and they say something off. I at least want to see if they're just speaking out of ignorance and they're not really all that married to these ideologies, in which case they could be rehabilitated, or if they're just fully on board with the fascist incel shit, in which case I can't do shit for them.

I want to be the kind of person for people that I wish I had around me that could have helped get me out sooner. And if they don't want my help? Fuck 'em. I want to try and make up for some of the damage I did because it feels like the least I could possibly do. And if that means steering someone away from that pipeline before they reach the point of no return just through a pretty casual encounter through just being stupidly patient and nice? I'll try, because that's just the type of person I am. Forget everything I said about suggesting other people doing this because doing this has burnt me more times than I can count. But I think I have helped keep some guys normal, even if it's only in a very small way.

You can think that I'm stupid or naive for even bothering. I don't care. But I'm still friends with former KF people who helped me get out and we support each other. It's a lot easier to learn empathy when it's demonstrated to you.

I'm sorry, I just... this subject touches on a lot of very personal stuff for me. It's why I even bother with it in the first place.

[rreskk]

Im a huge fan of all your writings, your page is my all time favourite on Tumblr and I jus noticed you’ve taken requests and was wondering if you can write some smut of Trevor x his Therapist or Doctor

I fucking love this idea! Sorry it took long, I've been having a brain-rotting phase about my OC :)

Summary: Your favourite client has become more... Of a "friend."

TW: -Smut

Pairings: Therapist Fem!reader/ Trevor Philips

Word count: 1265

AUGUST, 26TH – 1985

You’ll see grieved people hover in and out of your office with a suicidal tendencies, more likely than never. You’d also have people who’ve been through wars, people who have slept with family members, confessed murderers, suicidal drug-addicts, sociopathic teenagers, depressed elderly ladies, wealthy white men, menopausal women, schizophrenics, sexually confused religious men, teenage dirtbags; the list going on and on and on and on. Your folders only stack up with every unstable being paying brain-surgeon bucks to talk about how crappy life is. Some stories you wept alongside them, some you had to give them the cold-shoulder, some you had to refuse service. All in which was based in the memo when you began working within the professionality.

However, there was this one man with mountains of issues and emotional depth, some criminal, some traumatic, some petty; but he interested you greatly. A so-called trainee pilot for the Airforce. Personal record was fresh, great skill in flying, physically active, single, citizen of Canada. However, he was referred after his team had identified slight dangers in his emotional intelligence and anger management. He was once called “a fucking pyscho” by his referral, which had caused some mishap of violence. Nonetheless, the front page had suggested he was aggressive when “provoked”.

The first session was tricky, as predicted from his difficulties on concealing emotional bondage. But as the sessions became a regular occurrence, he slowly loosened up. Only recently had he talked about his childhood. Through painful cries and many times of walking out of the office eruptively, in which he returns hours later to continue, believing you are “the only person who cares” – his words exactly when you question his behaviour.

Unconsciously, you both grew close. After a good few weeks of working along side him, Trevor had named every person in his life; mother, father, brother, past lovers, past friends, etc… He trusted you with this information, and when he spoke freely about them, his eyes would stare into yours with tensity. He self-indulged in the eye-contact. You understood that it was his way of seeing your internal reactions and thoughts. Trevor’s constantly assessing you like you are with him, and whether it was meant to happen, it fell into this hole of deep relation. He relied on you. Extremely clingy. His sessions would extend from an hour to 3 or 4. It had gotten to the point where you with drawled other patience, just so you could invite him in again. Your managers assumed he needed more focus, so they allowed. But was it about focus?

No.

It was something more personal than that. A transference. Therapist and patient romance. Forbidden touches of his hands against your thighs turned into extreme penetration in your office. From the desk to the sofa, from the floor to your bathroom. At some point, he had been everywhere with you. Trying to overcome this situation was flawed, and every-time you tried to give him this professional support, it turned into a lustful beg of his fingers and filthy tongue.

“Fuck – “ You panted when he crawled over you on the sofa-bed, his penis frantically searching for the entrance as he used his tongue to leave trails of his saliva against your jawline. Whereas the moments prior to this, he was talking about the lack of love given from his mother, and he instead admitted that the maternal need had been transferred onto you. Trevor struggled to explain his insane attraction to how “caring” you are, forgetting that it was your profession. But the way you’d reassure and rub his back – it always gave him a reason to go home and relieve that naughty arousal. And every session, he’s excited for this specific reason.

“I tried to book a session last week,” He murmured darkly as his cock injected into your pussy, “The prick downstairs told me you were busy – with what?” His voice crackled a bit at the pleasure of having your warmth surrounding his erection.

Holding onto his shoulders, you breathed out a shaky moan, his name staining the tip of your tongue. The question went ignored until you found the capacity to give him the deserved answer.

“I had training.” You could barely say.

Trevor huffed in jealousy, his hips finding a steady pace as he gripped your hips to line up the act of penetration. Despite the angry frown plastered on his face, you knew he was enjoying himself. The way his tongue curled up between his lips, the concentration dilating his pupils. You had analysed his behaviour from day 1, so it became an easy job to predict his overall mood.

“I’m more important…” He breathed softly and ushered you to wrap your legs around his hips.

“I know…”

“I fucking love how loose you are,” Trevor desperately kissed your quivering lips before breaking away to increase the speed and groaning your name. “Oh… Oh, fuck. Yes. Mmm…”

The clock was ticking and when he was occupying your cunt, eyes began to fall upon the ticks and the toks. You’ve mentioned before this that a patient was planned to arrive within the next hour, so the nerves were beginning to boil your blood. The last thing you’d want is to be caught; especially with one of your most dangerous clients who’s supposed to have “professional” support. 

“Look at me.” He soon begged when noticing your lack of attention. His hands fell onto your breasts and gave them a loving squeeze, continuing the thrusting.

“I ought to…” It was hard to be vocal, so you tried a little harder, “I ought to prepare for the next – “

Trevor whimpered angrily and fucked you harder than before. His hands gripped onto your breasts, teeth grinding. He repetitively shook his head and silenced you from saying anything more.

“No, no, no!” He pled. His temper starting to spark.

You grasped his wrists, moaning out of pure bliss. This encouraged him to thrust a little faster, his shaggy mullet falling into different directions and flows. For a young pilot, he was especially rugged and quite ill-looking, but it made this more exciting. You were fucking an ill client… That was such an exciting experience, but why? The psychology was hard to work out, even for you. So his witchery could be blameful, the way his mouth casted spells on you.

“Please – “ You moaned and closed your eyes.

“Look at me!” Trevor whined again, his hands cradling your face as you both came close. He winced. The sluggish rock of his hips slapped against yours for the last time before he pulled out, cock ejaculating white fluids upon your stomach. “Oooohhh… Fuck!” Your patient ecstatically exaggerated.

You too had came. To refrain noise, it became a squeal of pure lust. When his warm semen painted your stomach, your fingers instantly rummaged through your clit, feeling how much cum he made you squirt. And with a moan, you felt him take charge of the inspection and licked up the white strands with his tongue. Trevor brushed your pussy and slurped up your taste with a puppy glimpse in his eyes. He looked at you when licking, begging to be praised.

“Fuck… Yes – “ Then the door knocked.

With quick motion, you threw on your shirt and zipped up your skirt as he groaned. Trevor wiped his mouth and gave your cheek a last kiss before throwing on a shirt and walking out. You noticed on the way out, he had gave your next client the meanest look to man-kind.

And the next week; that client had never returned.

[anyalovesu]

tolerate it.

xiii. all is well if it ends well with you.

—"all is well if it ends well with you."

necessary notes:

contains 🔞 content if ur not into that or u r a minor, do noT READ

the 🔞 is pw authenticated but the password just somewhere around this series hehe ( i did this to save face bc im that is the first time i wrote straight up smut and i'm seriously slowly getting delirious if it's good or what ) ( skl: embarrassingly i had a friend who has the experience that clearly i don't, read it and give me feedback if shit i wrote actually happens (basically validating the shit that i wrote) and it's safe to say that was the most awkward phase of our friendship 🥲🤡 )

ur feedback will be appreciated ( you can send it here ) tell me what i can improve or which parts did u enjoy or whatever u want to tell me ( pls be nice ) and i will read it and respond if u ever send me ur thoughts hehe

this is the last chapter of this series but i might be writing more about this in the epilogue or in the side stories hehe if ur interested in that, i will link the bsides on the main post !!

most of all, thank you, to anyone who read this. for a good amount of time i was convinced that i would be the only one reading this over and over until im delusional that someone is reading this other than me but it turned out that someone is actually reading whatever this is that i write 🥲🥲 sooo thank u sm, i will always appreciate u guys 🤍

anyways...

“Cielo, oh my god, you need to stop crying, papagalitan na tayo ng coordinator! They’re looking for me na!” Bianca whined, handing Cielo another tissue as Cielo asked her to accompany her before they went to the venue. “It’s not like she’s not gonna be your sister anymore!”

“Hindi mo nga kasi naiintindihan!” Cielo whined, breath hitching as he kept on crying. 

“I’m gonna get kuya. I’m so sorry I don’t know how to comfort you anymore, Cielo!” Bianca was in a verge of tears as well, being all stressed out and needing to excuse herself from the situation because she didn’t want to ruin the hard work that the make-up artists did on her. 

That being said, as Bianca was running towards the men’s dressing room when she came across Leon, who was all ready to go. “Oh bakit ka andito? Hindi pa kayo nakakaalis nila Ynes?”

“Cielo is still crying, kuya! I don’t know what to do anymore!” Bianca was clearly in distress. Her and Cielo have been friends for a long time too, and getting overwhelmed when a friend needed her really made her feel gutted.

“Pumunta ka na sa sasakyan. I’ll handle this, okay?” Bianca nodded before making her way to the front of the resort where the vans were waiting for them, meeting the rest of the girls.

Leon headed to where Bianca seemingly came from to find Cielo in the courtyard garden of the exclusive resort that they rented in Batangas. He was sitting on one of the benches, sniffing with the pack of tissue that Bianca had left him before she went to get someone to help.

“Hi,” he smiled, sitting next to him. Cielo was surprised to see Leon next to him that he jumped a bit when he heard his sister's soon-to-be husband. “Still worried about your Ate Ellie, no?”

Cielo nodded in honesty. Leon would not help but notice how adorable he was, realizing how much he is like his sister. So emotional and sensitive. Even the way they talk is so similar he finds it uncanny sometimes. It really shows how involved Eli was in his life. She did raise him after all, more than their own parents did, which only made Eli even more beautiful in his eyes despite not being able to see her since yesterday. At such a young age, Elijah raised this emotionally intelligent and sensitive young boy, which turned out to be one of the warmest people he ever met in his life. 

“Please don’t take my ate away,” he sniffled, pulling yet another tissue from the pack to wipe his tears and blow his nose. “I don’t wanna be left alone.”

“Ellie is still going to be Ellie, Cielo,” Leon chuckled, putting a comforting arm around the younger. “Wala akong inaagaw. She’s still gonna be there for you the moment you ask her to. Kailan ba humindi ang ate mo sa’yo, ha?”

Even before Eli moved out for college, she was there for him. Natrouble that school? Eli would be there. Naiwan ang baon sa bahay? It’s alright, Eli will just buy him new food or give him money. Nakalimutan magsabi na kailangan ng illustration board or ng cartolina kinabukasan, don’t fret, Ate Eli would be there before the time period when you need it with anything you might need. Eli always showed love by being there and doing things for other people. Everyone pretty much knew that. So it’s a surprise that Cielo is worried that she’s not going to be there as much for him when she gets married when it’s always been him who’s always at the top of her priority list.

“When you have children, she’s not going love me as much,” he sobbed, body shaking as he finally says what his main worry was.

Leon sighed. “I doubt we’re gonna have children until you’re ready, Cielo.”

“Hindi naman kasi para sa akin ang desisyon na ‘yon, kuya,” he argued.

“Yes, it’s for us to make. But knowing your ate, she’s not gonna do it until kaya mo na ng wala s’ya.”

“I’m always going to need, Ate.”

“Maybe just until you need your Ate Ellie less,” he smiled at him. “We’re young, Cielo, and at the peaks of our careers. Trust me when I say na hindi pa kami rin ready rin na magkaroon ng anak. So if waiting for you will be our sign to actually be ready, then you’re doing us a favor.”

“Are you really going to wait for me?”

Leon nodded and before he knew it, Cielo’s arms were around him already. “Thank you, Kuya.”

—

“You may now say your vows,” the officiant then steps aside before Leon takes the mic and opens his card that is eloquently decorated, a design that Elijah remembers she drew herself during the week that they were asked not to go to work because of the incident.

“Ellie,” he starts with a heavy sigh, before shaking his hands to relieve himself of his nerves. “Don’t worry, hindi naman ako kinakabahan dahil hindi ako sure. Kinakabahan lang ako baka kasi magkamali ako and I don’t want to mess it up.”

The crowd laughed at his remark before he glanced at her parents before glancing back at her. “It’s been approximately 23 years since I’ve had the privilege of meeting you. You have been my best friend ever since I could remember having one. And I must say 13-year-old Leon would go full on cardiac arrest if he found out that this would happen. That 10 years later, I would be standing in front of our loved ones, reciting my vows to you. That being said, I promise to always scour the internet and everyone and their mom just so I would know how to cook whatever you are craving the way you want it to. I promise to wait, everytime, especially when you’re still afraid to tell the truth. I promise to sit with you until you’ve already recovered from your emotions. I promise to always drive back 2 hours, give or take, whenever you forget something at home. I can promise so many more things but I’m afraid, for once, to say it. Hindi dahil hindi ko kayang gawin. Natatakot ako na baka hindi ko masabi lahat. Dahil d’yan, I must repeat a promise that I have already made before just to remind you that if you want me to, I will, dahil ikaw ang palaging masusunod. Ellie, I promise to never let you work for anything ever again unless you really want to. I know you come from a long line of families who worked hard for what they have right now, but Ellie, I promise to never let you work to be loved ever again. I promise to never let you try at all to be someone that people would love, dahil hindi na’tin sila kabati kapag hindi ka nila gusto. I promise to never leave your side ever again or ever meet death face to face again unless you tell me that you are ready for it. And although I don’t have to promise it, I promise to love you, always, in your highs and lows, and occasionally in the in betweens. I promise to be there, or here, or anywhere you want us to be dahil sa totoo lang, masaya na ako na magkasama tayo. Iyo ako, Ellie, palagi.”

“Hala,” Ellie sniffed as Ynes ran in front with a box of tissues to hand Ellie. “OMG ka, thank you, babes.”

“How do I start this, wait lang naiiyak talaga ako.”

“I can wait, baby,” he chuckled, reaching for her hand and squeezing it before she let out a heavy breath, gathering herself. “Okay na?”

Eli nodded before finally letting his hand go and opening her card. “I still wonder up until now how we always end up in the same route, to that house by the beach in Batangas, and somehow things would be alright when we go back. If I had known that pattern I wouldn’t have spent four longing years without you, because those years burrowed the pain so deeply inside me that it felt normal. And you waltzing back in my life like it was fucking nothing made me so mad because it felt like you were uprooting that pain again that I so badly didn’t want to feel ever again. But now that it’s uprooted and thrown way past me, I realized why it had to be done. I was never going to heal if the one causing the pain was still in me and really, thank you, because even if you don’t try, even if you just sit there yapping about how annoying I am for always insisting to do things for you, for always working for things I can just ask for, for making myself think that I am less than how you see me, you heal me, Leon. Every bruise and wound, somehow feels so much better when you’re the one who makes it feel better.”

“When we were young, Myla told us that it was possible that love was born at the same time that humanity emerged and it never stopped existing from then. It was as if humans were made to love. I was too young to realize it back then, but now that I’m old enough to admit it, Leon, I have known love ever since the day we first met. I had a clear vision of what love was like with you. I remember this memory with you in a preppy preschool daycare and me being the push over little kid that I am did what every little kid there asked me to and while now that I’ve thought of this, nothing was wrong with conformity, you took my hand back then and told the kids to do it themselves. Then it was you stepping in front of me when I was being bullied in Elementary school, then it was you always picking me in group activities because people would just ask me to do it on my own when we were in High School. You’ve protected me from things that could hurt me because as you said, there’s already too much pain in me for some lazy lowlife to add more into it. You’ve always made space for me to grow. I used to think it was unfair why you chose to let me go during college but now that I’ve reframed it, I realized that I needed that growing space. And even though it hurt you too and you were a little bitch to not admit it right away, thank you so much for giving me that space to grow. So I promise to protect you too, in the most deranged ways that you could think of. I promise to send anyone who tries to hurt you bankrupt. I promise to hold you when you’re full of emotions too. I promise to kiss you good night and good morning or whenever you ask for it. I promise to actually play the games that you put on my computer. I promise na hindi na ako magiiwan ng gamit sa bahay para wala ka nang babalikan. I promise na hindi ko na tutulugan ang mga pinapanood mo. I promise to take care of you, even when you object. I promise to get better, everyday, for you and for the life we’ll live from now on. Because in the same way that humans were made to love, when love emerged at the same time as humanity, it must not be a coincidence that I knew love from the very first day I met you. I was made for loving you, Leon and all is well if it ends well with you. Kaya pinapangako ko, na magduda man, magtaka man, maligaw o mawala man, ang bawat daan ko, Leon, ay palaging pabalik sa’yo.”

continue here (bianca and eli's conversation)

Bianca engulfed her sister-in-law in a warm embrace as soon as she opened the door. Soon after that, sniffles followed as her hold only got tighter.

The two sat there and talked about everything. Even going as far as talking about her recent split up with Liz Sim that broke Elijah half as much as it broke Bianca. It turned out that after Eli sent their company in the States bankrupt, Liz blasted her about how cruel and evil her family was—especially Elijah. And as cold as Bianca’s demeanor may be, she did not know how to take all the words said to Ellie not after everything she learned about what Liz’s family did to her Ate Ellie.

“It’s gonna be alright, bunso,” Ellie smiled at her kissing the side of her head as she cried, make-up now half ruined from all the crying she’s done. “Right now, let’s just enjoy the night, alright? We’re gonna meet people out there that’s going to treat us so much better than they did.”

“Right, hindi na’tin sila kabati,” Bianca sniffed, reaching for her handbag to retouch her makeup. 

Ellie chuckles at her. It really can’t be denied that Bianca really was raised on Leon and Tobi’s back, because behind all that cold demeanor is a childish heart that is sensitive and will break at the mere sight of their loved ones getting hurt. Leon mentioned before that he was afraid that maybe Bianca was growing up to be hard and cold, unlike how he sees Cielo, who was the complete opposite. Right now, Ellie really can’t understand why he thinks that way, because all three of them are just softies hiding behind cold facial expressions. 

“Let me help you with that,” Ellie smiled, picking up the makeup from the younger’s bag to help her do her retouches.

As soon as they were back, even with Leon still not being able to read Bianca’s messages earlier, he already knew Bianca had just finished crying. After all, he can feel his sister’s mood even from a mile away. It’s not hard to do for him anyway, especially when he had to study her facial expressions even as a baby just to know what she could possibly need even if they had nannies to do that for them.

“Girl talk, kuya,” Bianca told him right away before he could even ask. “Wag mo na muna tanungin kung anong pinagusapan namin, bukas mo na alamin.”

“Alright, well, can I have my wife back?” He chuckled at her. Bianca made a face and let go of Ellie’s hand, handing it over to her brother.

“All yours,” just then Alonzo Park arrives and asks for a dance with her youngest daughter leaving the newlyweds with each other.

“Hindi n’yo talaga sasabihin sa akin?” he asked, even trying to make puppy dog eyes to convince his wife to tell him, but Ellie already promised she would let Leon find out for himself so she really wasn’t going to say anything. So she shrugged her head.

“Did you have your things good to go na for Balesin?” Ellie asked them, starting to worry that they’d be late for everything as they’d be heading straight to their honeymoon destination straight after the party.

“Baby, Balesin is owned by Amina Myoi, what are you worrying about?” Leon laughed.

“Oh my god, Leon, don’t tell me hindi mo pa inaayos?”

Leon laughed at her wife even more before planting a soft kiss on her lips. “Naayos ko na po. Okay na, pinakaba lang kita.”

“I’m just saying na ayoko lang na makaabala tayo sa iba natin na kasama,” Ellie rolled her eyes at him. “Especially when your cousins offered pa to be the ones to bring us there! I don’t want them to think-”

“Anong sabi na’tin tungkol sa iisipin ng iba?” Leon cuts her off with a cheeky grin on his face, knowing all too well that it was discussed in front of everyone in their vows earlier.

“Yeah, whatever, it’s me you have to worry about. I don’t like being late, alam mo ‘yon,” Elijah replied to him.

—

“Baby,” Ellie calls out sternly as Leon plants yet another kiss on her neck while they were waiting in the private lounge of the airport waiting for their boarding time. “Keep your hands to yourself muna, please.”

While most of the people in the lounge were just their friends, they had some family members joining them too which meant that their little siblings could see Leon as bright as day, well, literally unable to keep his hands to himself. “Kahit ba quickie lang sa cr, baby?”

“I’m gonna have to keep you waiting, Leon. I’m sorry,” she chuckled at her husband, visibly in distress from how long he already has been holding himself back. He has already been planning how to ruin her the moment they left the wedding reception and it’s taking too much time waiting in this godforsaken lounge with so many people. 

For a good moment he regrets agreeing that they should come in the getaway destination after considering that they could literally have an entire villa to themselves and fuck the living daylights out of each other without being disrupted. His patience was running thin but he knew he had to be on his best behavior if he wanted to keep Ellie’s mood to its crisp condition right now if he wanted to get what he’s been fantasizing about for 4 hours already.

“Leon, calm the fuck down,” Ellie curses as soon as Leon pushes her down the white duvet, not seeming to give a flying fuck if they were on the bed with their outside clothes on. 

“I’m not sure if I can do that, baby,” he smirked as he hungrily pressed his lips against her, hands stealthily picking on the buttons of her light blue shirt.

“I’m all yours, love,” she chuckled, holding his face on both sides, forcing him to look at her. His eyes were dilated, blasted with both pure adoration at the woman lying under him, for the first time while they’re at their intimate activities. “Take your time, please?”

Leon then pauses, looks Ellie straight in the eye trying to see if there was hesitation lingering in her expression. There wasn’t, which was confusing to Leon, but he didn’t want to do anything that would make Eli uncomfortable. A blush creeped into her face when she realized that she might have to explain herself. 

“Are you okay, baby? P’wede naman bukas na kapag okay ka na?”

Oh god. Ellie just wanted the floor to open and swallow her whole when Leon blurted that out.

How the fuck is it possible to explain that she was fully aware how fucking big he was and she had been questioning every saint she knew of if she was capable to taking that big of a body part inside her? 

Elijah shrugged, eyes glossing in embarrassment as she tried to hide her face. 

“Baby, we can do it some other time, it’s okay-”

“No,” Eli retorts immediately, pushing herself up to a sitting position as she gathers up courage to actually say it.

“Are you sure? Saka nalang, baby–”

“Leon,” she calls, holding his face once again, forcing him to focus on her, leaning in to kiss him once again. “I want to do it, baby.” She mumbles quietly, as she turns to kiss his neck before nestling her face perfectly between the space connecting his neck and shoulder blades.

“What’s holding you back, Ellie?” he finally asks his wife, trying to pull her away from his neck but the younger remains unmoving. “Hmm?”

“I haven’t done it with anyone for quite some time,” she hummed. “And you’re malaki, Leon. I don’t want it to hurt.”

“You think it’s going to hurt?” he chuckles, finally managing to pull her away to kiss her once more making Ellie hummed against the kiss. It would be a lie to say that he didn’t take that as a compliment—the fact that she thinks he is big and the fact that she’s still willing to do it despite the impediment of it possibly hurting her.  “You want me to make it hurt less?”

“Please?” She looked at him, eyes round and glossy which really is just the most enticing thing Leon has ever seen her do.

“Okay,” Leon smiled at her fondly before carefully laying her down once again, kissing her slowly, lips moving in sync as his hands travel down to her jeans, fiddling on the silver button before finally pulling down the cold zipper.

continue here: honeymoon avenue (password authenticated; clue: color of ellie's engagement ring, 3 words, english, 15 letters, no spaces)

continue here (keeping up with the yangs chaos)

continue here (housemates' gc)

continue here (leon and eli's convo)

“Oh, bakit umiiyak ka nanaman?” Leon asked as soon as he entered the room after brushing his teeth in the bathroom. They had just come back from dinner and Elijah was, at most, tipsy from the Sangria that was served earlier.  “Bakit ka umiiyak?”

Ellie looks at him with a look that assures him that she’s not hurt. She’s just overwhelmed with emotions that feel too big for her own heart to process. Considering the amount of Sangria she had consumed with the girls earlier, her emotions were just flowing out of her. “Si iyakin talaga,” he chuckled before crawling on the bed, over the fresh bed sheets that were changed when they were in dinner.

“I’m just really happy,” she mumbled before climbing on Leon’s lap to hug him properly for comfort while Leon does what he does best, giving her deep compression by squeezing her. “I can’t believe everything turned out okay. I really hoped it was going to be okay.”

Everything was all so overwhelming but she knew she was safe. At last. All the pain, all the wandering around aimlessly in life—everything seemed to be falling back into place, here with the love of her life, holding her like nothing can take her away. 

And she really hoped it would be like that.

Because then, she knows that this was the agony was for and it was all worth it.

All that matters is that it ended up here where she is celebrated for her mere existence and for the love that she gives—it doesn’t even matter how much there is to share, the mere fact that there is love is already celebrated.

She’s finally where she truly belongs. Back to where all the turns and roundabouts lead her to. 

“I love you,” he hums, against her shoulder as he calms her down from her emotions.

Home.

“I love you, Leon.” she mumbled.

Back to Leon.

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