#sorry but miss me with the yogurts without fat
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bunbeeplays · 5 months ago
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The Lemon Legacy: Generation 1, Chapter 100 - Celeste and a Star
Ophelia hasn't been in the spotlight much lately, so she lost a bit of her progress towards her next celebrity ranking, but The Main Squeeze is debuting their latest song at the Lemon Drop tonight. Time to get back in the spotlight!
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Meanwhile, Gemma's not sure how she feels about yogurt, so she's the one who's really struggling in this house.
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Xander's seemed a bit off all morning.
Ophelia: Babe, you doing okay?
Xander: We spent all day yesterday working with Gemma on crawling and she's still not doing it yet. Do you think we're doing something wrong?
For a self-assured Sim, he's kind of a mess.
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This game has great timing sometimes. As they're worrying about her development, Gemma hits another milestone: pincer grasp!
Ophelia: Xander, are you seeing this? She's never done that before!
Xander: That's my girl!
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Ophelia: See, she's doing fine. She's going at her own pace.
Xander: Yeah, you're right. I just want her to be a top-notch infant.
Ophelia: Hitting milestones helps, but being well-loved and taken care of is what counts. We're killing it in that department!
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Ophelia: You need a hobby that's not Gemma-related. I know fitness has been really good for you lately but what about something more creative?
Xander: Well, nectar-making is in the game now. I've always wanted to try it, but the Watcher never got around to downloading the mod…
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A lot of Ophelia's friends come out to listen to their debut single! Lilith Pleasant wishes it was more emo apparently.
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🎶And up until now, I had sworn To myself that I'm content with loneliness Because none of it was ever worth the risk Well, you are the only exception🎶
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Everyone seems to be loving the new song! Especially this woman who Ophelia can't help but feel looks… familiar.
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When Ophelia comes out of the bathroom, she bumps into the woman from the crowd.
Woman: Oh my gosh, you were amazing! You always said you wanted to make your dreams a reality and you did it! I'm so proud of you, girl.
Ophelia: Thank you… Do I know you?
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Woman: It's okay, I look a little different than I did the last time you saw me. We were in debate club together… Monica Pierce would call us Fat Bitch and Gay Kid? Well, turns out I wasn't gay after all.
Ophelia: Oh my Watcher!
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Ophelia: Look at you! You're stunning! Did you change your name?
Celeste: I go by Celeste now. I'm sure this is a bit of a shock.
Ophelia: Actually, a lot of stuff you'd say makes more sense now. Like how you liked boys but wanted to be 'the girl' in the relationship.
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Ophelia hugs her old friend. She missed a lot since she moved away…
Ophelia: I never thought I'd see anyone from home again.
Celeste: Well, you should come visit!
Ophelia: Hehe, yeah…
As nice as it was to see her friend from high school, it does bring up memories…
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Celeste: I gotta admit, for a while, I was really mad you just left for Britechester without saying goodbye, but once I saw you singing on FlipFlop, I couldn't hold a grudge. Your parents were always so hard on you, I couldn't blame you for leaving early.
Ophelia: Britechester?
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Ophelia: What are you talking about? I didn't even go to University.
Celeste: What? When you didn't show up for graduation, I went to your house and asked your parents where you were and they told me you got accepted into Britechester for early admission.
Those sons of…
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Ophelia: I CANNOT believe them. Celeste, my parents lied to you. They disowned me for pursuing a music career.
Celeste: WHAT?! Ophelia, I'm so sorry. Why didn't you reach out? My dad loved you, he would have let you stay with us. You could have gone to graduation!
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Ophelia: I was humiliated… I wanted to leave my old life behind, but that never should have included you. I'm sorry, Celeste.
Celeste: Honey, it sounds like you've been through a lot. I'm sure you did what you had to to heal.
Ophelia: Yeah, it was a struggle, but a good one.
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Ophelia: I can't believe they lied to you like that.
Celeste: It's not just me. They told everyone that. Last I heard, you were going to take over the firm soon.
Ophelia: WHAT?!
Celeste: Now that you're getting more famous, I don't think they can keep the lie up much longer.
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Ophelia: I knew they were scum but I didn't think they'd stoop that low. Well, if you still like gossip as much as you did in high school, feel free to tell everyone you know the truth.
Celeste: Ooooh you know I will.
Ophelia: If it's okay with you, let's change the subject…
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Ophelia: Look at that rock on your hand! Who's the lucky guy?
Celeste: His name is Christopher! We met at the tech startup we work for. And you just got married to the owner of this bar, right?
Ophelia: Yeah. I'm sorry I missed so much.
Celeste: Well, let's catch up!
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Celeste and Christopher have two adopted children: Atlas and Orion. Ophelia shows her 8000 pics of Gemma.
As fun as it is to catch up with her old friend and learn about her new life since transitioning, Ophelia can't stop thinking about her parents and their audacity.
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Ophelia: I want to stay in touch, okay? No more ghosting from me, I swear.
Celeste: I'd love that. This feels like old times.
Ophelia: All we need is Monica Pierce making fun of us.
Celeste: That basic bitch is in a failing pyramid scheme now. We should be making fun of her.
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imzsuzsis-blog · 6 months ago
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I was lying on my back on the bed and staring at the ceiling, Loki isn't here with his class somewhere abroad and inside I'm worried to death that he might be cheating on me with another boy who is even better and younger than me.
"No, no, and I wouldn't want to, I'm not in the mood."
I yawned a lot, but these wave-like things that didn't let me sleep at night are now frozen below, I don't know what they were, but they disturbed my sleep, I thought I was shipwrecked somewhere on an uninhabited island, it was terrifying.
,,Are you okay?"
"No, not Martin, I had a terrible night's sleep, there was some rippling shit in my stomach and I couldn't poop properly."
"If you give it to me like you did at the party in Amsterdam..."
"Well, I'm really pregnant, if we count correctly, Amada is 18 weeks old."
"This, this is nonsense, you are a boy!!! You know what I'd rather go and think again about what you say."
"It's true, just look at me, these are my favorite pajama pants and I can hardly pull them up over my stomach!!! You can take a look.”
He reached out with his palm and smiled, I bit my lip because that's why I gave up everything I love, alcohol, drugs or cigarettes... But instead I eat yogurt with goose fat or something on its own, or bread. Yes, how did I get out with a ruse, they didn't know I had my cell phone, so when they weren't paying attention, I first called Loki asking him to call my parents, that they, the police, so I was only there for two days without food and thirst, but unfortunately the mafia doesn't work like that, so I'm still in danger and I'm exhausted there is nothing I can do about them.
"Lando? It doesn't matter if you're expecting a boy, these are strong."
"You're stupid, I wanted a girl, but the gender will be revealed today or anytime in the next few weeks, well, hi... Someday."
"Hi, mate, if Ibiza isn't then we'll meet at the race."
I took a deep breath, went back, sat down in the armchair and burst into tears, many things played out in me, now suddenly the partying was pushed back somewhere in the many place, rather the fear which made me cry, I saw that Loki was calling and I picked up crying, his voice was also good for me.
"You're here, you'll be fine in front of the clinic, hi, I love you."
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My phone rang again, but now there was no call ID, I think it's a bank, should I buy something or go to an event that doesn't really excite me, but I still picked up something. It was Neil about yesterday's game, he said that I successfully left my formula one ticket and some data and that I managed to leave him with ultrasound recordings and gynecological things, he said that if my girlfriend is pregnant, don't screw me up, but I shouldn't leave her stuff all over the world because it's going on.
"I don't have a girlfriend, I'm gay... He left one of my friends, and his girlfriend is pregnant."
"I think it's bound to have something with your name on it, sorry, but I'm not a motorsport expert, but a certain Lando Norris is written on it."
"It's fine, I'm fine, but few people there know that I'm a trans male, I'm also intersex, I'm even pregnant and I'm going to see my gynecologist today, those papers are important."
I realized it was all a lot of bullshit without saying thank you, but I was also hungry, so I went out to the mini kitchen of my rented flat in London. And I opened the fridge, there was nothing I'm eating right now, so based on the smell I took out a cucumber, egg and Nutella, I quickly fried the egg together with the cucumber and put the Nutella on top and there were also some hotdog buns, I ate that with it, it was also very tasty . When they dropped noneme, as usual, letters and such like, my daily savior was also among them, I looked through everything, nothing is missing, that's all that was written there, he also has something like this, only he won't leave it because his wife would kill him. I laughed at the fix and a lot of newspapers, because I was there at the final, it wasn't exciting, but they also let me onto the field as a guest, which was a great pleasure.
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Suddenly, my cell phone rang again, but now I got a message.
"You bastard took a selfie with a football player with my cell phone???"
It was Zhou who was very angry, I didn't even know whose cell phone was in my hand, I just picked it up and left when my name was said on the loudspeaker.
"Sorry, sorry, I didn't notice who it was."
"That's not enough. You can't beat me in the next race."
I watched the big ones, I hope he was just stupid with this.
"I hope you're joking?"
,,No."
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"Shh, I have to go!!!!"
I looked up at the clock on the wall while eating the sixth biscuit, I started running after my unpacked clothes, although I didn't even remember where I put the fix, in the bedroom, but I don't know where.
"Fuck, where did I put it? Wow!!!”
I squealed when it turned out that I hadn't even unpacked anything from my suitcase. Everything in it was so messed up that I couldn't pull out a dirty top unless I made an even bigger mess, so I spread everything out on the bed and kept looking for what I had. It doesn't matter, a t-shirt with a print on it, a plain pullover with a hood, one and that's the point, my first pregnant jeans after a long time, socks and the only shoes I brought with me, but now they're small, I can buy new ones, a jacket will be good inside out, a baseball cap, to be safe, an umbrella is three or more years old, but it will do for my car plus jewelry.
"Pride month..."
I took the package from the trunk of my car that I received, I don't know who it was, but it was a cute little gift of cookies, flags, stickers, t-shirts, make-up, everything that stimulates the eyes and mouth. I tried the lip gloss right away, it was a lovely color and it looked good on my lips, the mini flags on the mirror I know I have to take it off when I get home, but until then, who the hell cares, it's just a flag, I threw the rest away and started laughing when I put on the music cheered up.
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I just heard someone blaring very bad music from his car, I guessed who it was and slapped my forehead with my palm. Because I knew June pride and parade is very much not me... I went there and he got out of the carriage like a lady and the pregnant guy almost fell on his stomach right in front of us.
"Lando, I've always known that your taste in music is crap, but how so?"
He looked at me seriously and continued standing girlishly.
"I don't believe we're going to fight over this?"
,,No! I love this music and I was almost late because everyone was calling me!!!"
He turned angrily and walked into the door. I ran after him and caught him and slapped him.
"I was reading the fucking newspaper and I read that two fucking teachers got together on a damn road in Oslo!!!! Fuck Loki, it was written that you are one of them!!!!! Fuck you!!! Tell me!!!!”
"It was just a performance for the class on a stage, it wasn't a real kiss, I didn't get along with him, especially since he is the singing teacher and he has a girlfriend, and the two of them put together the whole performance for the class, that the teachers are people like them, or you. Come on, my pregnant good man, let me give you an apologetic kiss."
"I won't accept the sorry kiss now!!! This is not about the fucking show, but about what's on the internet about you and about another one who is even more correct and younger than me. It's spreading on the internet that you smeared in a gay nightclub, fuck it, this is cheating, I wouldn't have thought of that, fuck it !!!!!”
I looked at you when you showed me the video and shook my head and gave it back to you with tears in my eyes and hugged you.
"Yes, it's me on it, but it's a recording from last year and I'm on it with my previous boyfriend, I don't know who uploaded it, but it's an illegal recording."
He started beating my chest and had a panic attack, I kissed his hair to calm him down and stroked his back around and around, he was shaking silently again and was on the verge of fainting.
"Nana, calm down, my little one, last year was really a rough breakup, even during the relationship, the boy verbally abused me and even beat me. They are happy that it's over."
"Lando… Loki again?"
I looked back and nodded sadly.
"Fuck me Lando, it's okay, it's just a stupid girl asking you to be jealous and break up, but you are a strong couple."
"No, we are not, leave us alone, that's what this year's recording says!!!!"
"Baby, it's not."
I bent down to him because he was already sitting but he was still shaking but he was vomiting, I started to wipe the tears from his face but he couldn't take it anymore and he passed out in front of our eyes.
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dokifluffs · 4 years ago
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Grocery Shopping | Kageyama, Tsukishima
Pairing: Kageyama X Reader (gender neutral) and Tsukishima X Reader (gender neutral)
Genre: fluffyyy tehe 
Request: “How about grocery shopping with kageyama poor boy would only have eyes for the milk aisle loll” - anonnie
Author’s Note: absolutely adorable oh my i wanna shop with him also hope you don’t mind that i added tsuki 🥺 Hope you all stay safe and healthy~~
Grocery Shopping | Akaashi, Osamu // Grocery Shopping | Sakusa, Atsumu 
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Kageyama: 
The sky was changing colors as every minute passed as the sun went down. Light rain drizzled down from the remaining gray clouds in the sky, the fog lifting from the horizon
You held Kageyama’s hand as he stifled a yawn, covering his hand over his mouth, leading him toward the grocery store mainly for some snacks
You had some ideas about things you wanted to get but you figured you would just pick some things out that you felt
The two of you were wearing loose oversized clothes, fresh from the nap the two of you, well you were fresh, took in his living room as the storm washed over the city
He tiredly pushed the cart and the first stop the two of you made was toward fruits the aisles with the chips and snacks
You had to take the lead to guide his sleepy head. When you picked some out or made some suggestions, he opted for you to just get both- it would be eaten regardless anyways
The store was pretty empty which was nice. There was only about an hour before the store closed for the night and it was honestly great since you didn’t have to worry about any lines or annoying shoppers
After picking a few types of crackers and chips, you led him toward the fruits and veggies
He rested his chin on his hands, the bar of the cart under his arms as he lazily followed you, really wishing to get back home soon to just hold you close
Every now and then, you turned to him, unable to resist the smile that spread on your face seeing his sleepy self
After fruits, it was drinks and then finally ice cream, the part you were for sure you were going to get some to bring back home
The moment the two of you stepped into the dairy aisle, it was like Kageyama was an entirely new person
His eyes practically sparkled when he saw the wide verity of milks and yogurts- banana, strawberry, low fat, non fat, chocolate
His entire demeanor changed as he stood straighter, slowly walking down the aisle and pushing the cart as you went ahead, not even realizing you had left him behind
You only noticed when you turned around to ask him for his opinion on what flavor you should get
When you peeked around the corner of the milk aisle, he was only halfway through it
He had placed three different flavors of his favorite brand and two different yogurts to try out
By the time the two of you left, he was wide awake, already opening one of the many milks he had gotten, glad you woke him up when you suggested to get some snacks
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Tsukishima: (it’s a bit longer than kags, i got carried away akjsda)
When you suggested to go to the convenience store after the two of you finished your finals and his practice, he genuinely did not want to since his brain was so worn and exhausted after using it for so long, sitting in one place
But these feelings disappeared in a matter of seconds when he saw the way you pouted, giving him puppy eyes he honestly couldn’t resist
Yamaguchi even nudged him a little, egging him on by mentioning how you planned to ask him to go during the break but he was in the bathroom at the time so he missed it
So he reluctantly gave in, making himself sounding like he really didn’t want to but he did. Of course he wasn’t going to admit that to you though
He had his image to maintain but he wasn’t slick enough- you didn’t miss how red the tips of his ears had become
Getting there, he was glad it was empty though. He didn’t mind people too much but he just had no energy or interest to interact with them
The basket hung from his hand as he held it while you went up and down aisles, your energy slowly coming back now that you were getting delicious snacks
He put some he wanted for himself into the basket while you occasionally tossed some to him which he caught and put into the basket
He reminded you not to toss things to him without giving a heads up but you did so regardless
Just a bit annoyed, he stuck one of his earbuds into his ear, the other one hanging around his chest as he walked following you
But he couldn’t tell if he was really annoyed with your antics or if he was just tired, but most likely the latter since the finals started early in the morning and he still had his practice
Getting to the ice cream corner, he stood with his chin buried in the collar of his club jacket and his hands buried in his pockets
He was able to choose his flavor easy: vanilla but you were debating on whether you should get this flavor or that one
After a bit, when you were finally able to choose one, you seemed to have not noticed the older man pushing his cart past the two of you
Tsukishima stepped back to give him space but you didn’t even hear the older one as he said “excuse me,” the sound of the freezer fan loud as it blew when you opened the door
You turned too fast, bumping into the older man’s carts, making some of the things he had standing fall down
“I’m sorry-“
“Watch where you’re going, dummy!” The cranky old man barked at you, instantly knocking your spirits down a little
“They apologized,” Tsukishima said forwardly, looking down to the old man, instantly intimidating him without actually intending to do so
The older one turned away with a huff and Tsuki returned his attention back to you. “Ready?” He asked, his annoyance gone as he took your pint from your hands and into the basket
The two of you walked back, sharing his music together
~~~~~ Thanks for reading! Masterlist for more! Please do not repost anywhere else!
Tags (send me an ask if you wanna be tagged for all my haikyuu posts): @yams046  @mazey-chan  @sunboikyo00  @kara-grayson04​  @fortheloveofbakugo
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mirkysconcubinefiction · 4 years ago
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I Thought You Should Know 2
Part 2.
Part 1 HERE.
Notes in part 1.
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Before:
This time when Superman caught you he held you close and wrapped his arms around you before flying away with you clinging to him and crying because you couldn't hold it in anymore.
Awareness came with a background of arguing and a sinfully - sinfully - soft mattress. Tugging the blankets up and over your head you snuggle into your pillow and doze.
    You've grown up with yelling and lived in places that were noise 24/7 and presumed the arguing was the neighbors. A quiet falls over your cocoon and it hits you... your hotel room had a  mattress that was as stiff as plywood. 
    The bed dips and you tug the sheet down from your face and take in the warm tangerine color walls, dark wood molding and the bedside table was a rustic style piece of furniture. Turning over you're startled to find Clark Kent standing with a tray of food but more surprising was the man sitting on the bed in a sharp charcoal suit. 
    Curious, you lift the blanket and peer down at yourself.  You were wearing your underwear... you guess it was bettered than being naked. "Rest assured Miss ****, your virtue is safe."
    "Lex!" Snapped Clark with a glare before he turned to you and floundered for what to say before pushing the tray out, "Coffee?"
    "What happened?" Your brain felt muffled and you can remember bits and pieces and jumping off a ledge... "Shit, did I try to kill myself again?" You sit up and the blankets pool at you waist uncaring of your bra that was all lace and completely inappropriate for your type of job. 
    "Again?" The tray is set down on a bedside table and Clark was crawling to you, grabbing your arms, checking your bare wrists, as if he hadn't seen them before you were tucked in half-naked. "**** we talked about this."
    "Settle down." Lex heaved himself up with a sigh and peered down at the two of you, "Clark brought you here, you were hysterical and I gave you a sedative and while you were high out of your mind you chose my,"
    "Our." Clark snapped but the other man continued on without missing a beat.
    "Bed to make your nest. You had this loon," a finger pointed at Clark who look aghast, "Rip off your corset because, and I quote, I can't catch it rip it off. As you spun in a circle trying to reach for the laces."
    "I kind of panicked and ripped it off. Sorry." 
    "He's not sorry, he burned the thing in the fireplace."
    "Secrets Lex! Married couples know how to keep secrets!" Clark glared and you watched them bicker back and forth, lost. 
    "Can we not? As hot as it is, I'm too nauseous to join in on your makeup sex." That cut through the weird foreplay the duo had.
    "Get out." Lex tries but you ignore him as usual.
    "Here have some coffee!" Reaching for the tray Clark held onto it without strain. 
    It was a giant mug of black coffee, a small plate with an oversized croissant, little jars of jelly that was a mismatched set from various fancy hotels you knew Clark had a habit of stealing from, a bowl of yogurt topped with fruit and granola, a whole tomato, a cow shaped creamer, and a pig shaped cup with sausage sticking up. 
    "Remind me to never request breakfast in bed. You forgot silverware and cutting the dam tomato." Lex clapped his hands, "I'm off. Don't overstay your welcome and you're barred from all future events." And then he was gone. 
    "He does have a nice ass." You mumble into your coffee that was sweet and perfect. 
    "It makes up for his bad bedside manner." Then Clark is gone... and back with a spoon and knife, a knife he uses to cut your tomato. "There's a bedroom here for you." It's spoken softly and your eyes flick up to meet his then away, the croissant butter soft. "****?"
    "Hmm?"
    "I'm sorry."
    Now you remember, quite convenient when there's a knife in arms reach, "You're not." Strawberry jelly smears heavily. It's flavorful and you chewed slowly, savoring the rich taste. A sip of coffee and a your slurp breaks the silence. 
    "I am. I shouldn't have said that."
    "You thought it and you spoke it. Simple logic."
    "No."
    "You're a whore." You pick up a tomato slice, "You fucked all the girls you cheered with and you bottomed for half your fraternity." It tasted juicy, "Lois Lane wasn't your only fuck buddy at the paper and Green Lantern misses your dick something fierce." From your peripheral it was interesting how embarrassed his face colored.
    "How..."
    "Now Lex," you interrupt. "Lex is a slut but he's a slut with standards like myself. Dick pics help weed out the useless ya know." Sip, "Men - woman - don't care." Sip, "It helps when you get really lonely and you can leave. No strings, no questions." Sip, "If you speak to me that way again," your gaze meets his, "I won't need kryptonite to kill you." 
    "****..."
    "Refill please." You hand over your mug that's half filled and Clark takes it. Quietly he moves off the bed and walks out. 
    The tray is settled at your side and you manage to shuffle over to the edge and stand by the time he comes back. Meeting him part way you ignore the way his eyes rake over you, "I'm..."
    You were tired of apologies and hugged him. He was tall and you settled for wrapping your arms around his waist and hugging him tight, "Leave it."
    It's never brought up again.
    .
    The formal gala was beautiful. Lights, cameras, ice sculptures, bottles of champagne flowed as did the money for the secret auction, so secret no one was aware there was an auction.
    At least that's what the news had said.
    Lounging on a couch with a tub of ice cream your face is covered in an organic green tea mask, your body has been massaged by a last-minute goddess with hands that deserved to be preserved in the Vatican vault, and your feet was resting on Clark's lap where the man was massaging your left foot with a hand as the other hand tossed Gummi bears.
    You were horrible at catching them with your mouth but the colorful bears decorated the carpet and sofa with a certain pizazz. Elevator doors opened and expensive loafers dragged, "Why are you still here?"
    Spoon dangling from your mouth you pull it out and point it at the tired man who was being rerun on the massive television. "Did you have fun at your party?"
    "That party brought millions to Saint Jude charity foundation."
    "Uhu... and how much really..."
    Lex dismissed you to turn to his husband, "Why is she still here."
    "I'm not putting her out, you can do that." It was said matter of factly with a hint of try it, go on, I dare you.
    Oh this was good, not as good as the ice cream but good.
    "****." You blink up at the tall bald-headed man, "Leave."
    "But the make-up sex."
    You think his eye is twitching, "There is no sex!"
    A pout twitches your lips and your spoon stabs at the ice cream, "But Dom Daddy Master sex is the best sex." Beside you Clark chokes on a gummy and Lex is a thundercloud as he steps closer and closer to you until he's close enough you can smell his cologne. "See," and you glance over at the coughing man who was thumping his chest, "That's hot. You're hot, we should...."
    "Shut up!" And you shut up, sitting back. "Your jokes are not appreciated. Pack your shit and run back to your Captain America. The epitome of all that's righteous and leave..." you snort and quickly cover your nose as ice cream somehow went up there. "Me and mine alone!"
    A napkin is passed to you, "Ignore him. He saw what's in the box and is not too happy right now."
    "Couldn't you have left it behind?" Wiping your nose you take in all that was Lex Luthor and processed what he said, "Why would I run back to that asshole?" Of course Lex had bared his teeth in a very animalistic way and stormed off so you turn to the quiet second half and said, "What was in the box?"
    "A dress." His face loses trace of all humor, "The accessories are a problem, my nose is quite good and you're not that type of person to..." Clark cuts off as Lex returns and all but flings the box at you and Clark catches it and settles it on your lap while taking away your ice cream. 
    You ignore the argument that's caused by that stunt and take in the dented and dirty box that was lopsided and the tissue paper that hung half out. Clark was right, there was a dress balled up on top and you pull it out... it was a familiar dress.
    Black, shiny, skin-tight, one side would cover down the length of your thigh while the other was cut in a way to barely cover your vagina. 
    You knew this dress.
    This was a similar dress you had in your closet from ages ago. It had been the dress you met Steve Rogers in when you had worked another undercover mission as a singer in an underground club. The lights on stage would make the material nearly sheer and showed off your curves and the nipple piercings you had gotten done for the gig. 
    Well... "He knows." Or at least presumes who you are but how? Dropping the dress to the side you go through the rest of the stuff and pull out a pair of killer heels in your size, "Nope." And drop them both atop the dress. Next was a scrap of fabric that took a moment of turning it here and there to realize it was panties, "What the fuck is this?"
    Clark looks pink while Lex scowls but answers, "Thong."
    "This," you shake it like it's flag. "Wouldn't cover an ass cheek. I have a fat ass... the strings would cut across my hips and make me look like a ham hung to dry." That too was dropped and you rummaged around the jewelery, the hair extension that sat wrapped, and an empty clutch. "Stockings? It's cold, these fucker really think I would waltz around and freeze my clit off?"
    "The point was to entice me, your target, or that idiot." Confused, you glance up at the taller man. "Your choker. There's a mechanism that releases a pheromone when you get close enough to your victim. It's potent, it's an ingenious way to get me to leave and hand me over to SHIELD or attract that asshole who was there, dressed to impress and also wearing a wrist watch that had the same scent, my intel says he was hoping to use it on you if you had arrived. Fucker doesn't realize all phone calls are tapped, that was a mistake."
    Rummaging through the box you find rings, bracelets, a pair of studs for nipples - which what the fuck - but no choker. Glancing over at Clark you said, "You said your nose. How does it smell?
    "Musky. I only know about it because HYDRA is interested so they tried to use bait, young bait, to entrap my husband in a scandal. It didn't work, girl scouts don't make penthouse calls at 1am. Thankfully I was home and tossed the girl in the closet before dealing with him."
    "I could have raped that girl." 
    "Lex, no." And Clark was off the couch and crowding his husband who leaned into the embrace with a miserable face and you felt upset. Box plopped on the oddly shaped coffee table you make your way around the duo and bare foot you walk to the elevator door that opens with a soft ping and step on, finger jabbing on the button to the ground floor.
    It was a short trip of quiet, you ignore the dried and cracked gunk that was on your face and stepped out into a lobby with its shiny floor and gold accents. 
    There weren't many people about at this hour except a janitor that was windexing a window and a concierge who stood once he caught sight of you. "Ma'am!"
    "Phone?" You gesture to the old-fashioned looking thing that sits behind the desk. You knew it was a thing installed by Lex that was as private as you could get, and one that no nosey AI could hack into. An alternative option in case he was too lazy to take an elevator to the top floor.
    "I'm sorry but..."
    "Great, thanks, sit and be a good boy as mummy handles something." The man is a stuttering mess as you reach over and take it, plopping it on the high ledge. 
    "Ma'am you can't!"
    Fingers presses into small holes and drag clockwise with each number. "Phone the penthouse, I'm sure Mr. Luthor would be ecstatic over us meeting."
    The concierge, who had his hand on separate phone and was calling security faltered, "Lex Luthor?"
    You smile, green tea dust falling, but before you can utter a comment the line picks up without a greeting, "Brucie poo, remember that favor you owe me? Well I'm collecting." 
    The concierge moves away to stand with the Janitor who had been quick to call him over and tell him to keep his eyes down. Which was for the best since you were walking around in flannel that was oversized, courtesy of Clark. Switching to a different language and lowering your tone you spoke with an unamused Bruce Wayne, while not friendly with Lex, had been highly upset over the use of children as pawns.
    You weren't surprised. 
    The elevator dings and you wave at Clark who jogged to you and you were quick to say your goodbyes, "Why didn't you tell me?" Frowning at the taller man.
    "You're not here, why would we tell you?" And that, that hurt.
    The elevator doors closed and you knew you needed to do something, time was wasting.
    .
    Solid black, it matched the coal around your eyes and the contacts you had struggled to put on. Boots were comfortably strapped up to your knee and you waltzed across a manicured lawn. 
    The cameras were down.
    The dogs had been knocked out.
    Security had been scarce since a good portion had all come down with a mysterious stomach bug. You can't really protect your benefactor if you're shitting your intestines out. 
    Striding up the marble steps that led to a wrap around porch, you tried a door handle and found it locked. A laser took care of that, a nifty little thing you dropped on the ground and waltzed inside, smoke curling into the air from the burned brass and wood.
    Having had memorized the layout you strode to the kitchen, up a flight of stairs, down a hall, up another set of stairs, down another hall and to a bedroom door where you put yourself in a position that your com had instructed. Gun in hand you aim a degree left, swooped right, down center, each bullet piercing through the door and wall.
    Stopping only when your com had said so. 
    You open the door and lean against the door jamb, the bodies on the ground paving a way to a lone man pressed against the corner of a wall holding a gun.
    "Hello honey." He aims and pulls the trigger. The gun jams. "Poor baby," you stalk over. "Let mommy kiss it better."
    From a distance away Superman removes the com in his ear cutting off the scream of the HYDRA operative who had tried to set up his husband. 
    .
    Maybe if your com hadn't been knocked off and landed in a puddle of blood you would have found yourself here, in a chair, at the SHIELD headquarters. 
    Great, just great.
    The chair was uncomfortable so you chose a nice corner to lay down, cross your ankles, and try for a nap. 
    You had gotten as much as you expected from Mr. HYDRA guy which was meh. Not enough info compared to what you had but if you were honest, you weren't there for intel.
    It was just a great excuse to inflict as much pain as you could and death. 
    You hated getting your hands dirty but... yea... getting caught on the back lawn with SHIELD agents storming up to you with guns and K9 was a weird experience. 
    "****." Confirmation that Steve had a really good guess you were you. Ugh. The door closed behind him with a thump and the man strode over. "You can cut the act, I know who you are."
    You sign WHO.
    "I thought you were dead." You yawn, "I knew it was you when I heard you laugh." He pauses as if he expects you to talk. "Superman knows who you are, how do you know him?" Quiet. "Answer me." He sighs, voice changing to one of concern, one you had believed was his true self. "I miss you."
    A hand lifts and you sign QUEEN.
    "****!" 
    Middle finger, no two fingers, point in his direction.
    A hand grips your ankle and you're dragged from the wall, your other free foot hits the ground with a thump, you curl your toes - triggering a nifty backup - and out pops a short knife. Steve let's out a shout as you stabbed him in the leg, once, twice, and his arm that swings to stop you before the man let you go.
    Blood coated the ground and the super soldier stumbled back, "What the fuck ****!" The security that patted you down didn't take all your lovely toys. 
    Hopping to your feet you waved a finger at him and signed BAD BOY. The doors open and two men with guns enter, they try to get Steve to leave but he's a stubborn fuck, "Back off, I've had worse." 
    Just to fuck with him you sign, POISON.
    His eyes go wide and he stumbles out with the two guards and you're left alone once again.
    .
    The fuckery begins when the vents turn off, it takes a while for the air to get stifling and hot but you don't remove your uniform and lay on the ground sweating through your material and the pungent stench of blood has you breathing through your mouth. 
    Stubborn to death you try to ignore the nausea that roils your stomach, a migraine forms at the back of your skull, and your mouth was dry and throat parched.
    Time churns and it's hard to focus so you keep your eyes closed but it does little to help. Maybe this was it? A smile quirks your chapped lips, at least you got to stab Steve, hopefully your knife was dirty and he got an infection.
    When did you close your eyes?
    Breathing was like choking on sand and you can hear the ragged sound of you inhaling deeply and sharply. A shadow hovered above you and you felt a tug and your body lifting before dropping. It's dizzying when your head lifts upwards but thankfully you're gently settled down
    "Shit's adhered to her skin." 
    Was someone talking? No, let you sleep. Closing your eyes you hate that you're jostled as your legs are lifted and plopped on someone's knee.
    "Get me water and ice, her legs up will help with blood flow to the heart."
    Cold seeps through your uniform and the lip of a bottle entices your tongue to move and swish by swish cool water washes away the sandpaper feel of your mouth.
    "Cut it off her." You recognize that voice.
    "The first layer was easy, this is adhered to her skin." Pause, "I've seen this before Captain. You'll rip her skin off, best to wait until she regains conscious and..."
    "She's not HYDRA."
    "But you said..."
    "I know what I said, now get out!" There's a scuffle and a slam. Hands are tugging at the edges where the suit left your skin exposed. Someone had removed your boots and gloves... a sharp tug of pain at your temple reminded you you're wearing a mask that showed off your eyes and your mouth once the second layer was pulled aside. 
    "God dammit." Steve growled, "Fine! We'll do this the hard way!"
    Your fingers curl and you try to move but your legs are heavy and a prickling sensation runs up and down. Move you tell yourself but you can't.
    "All I wanted was a simple yes or no." Something cold presses against your cheek, a pointed tip digging, trying to dig, beneath the seam of material and skin. "This is your fault ****." 
    What?
    Pain causes your back to arch and your right calf to seize, you choke on a scream trying to move away from the slice of the knife as it digs under your skin and not the material but Steve has a firm grip on your chin.
    Blood seeps out and there's a swear from the man and the knife is pulled out. He ignore your whimpers of pain to move a single hand down your body. Skimming over your breasts, sides, sternum, waist, and back up to your throat, "A little less pressure eh?" The blood stained tip pops through the layer, Steve needing to push harder as the material - as thin as it was - was strong.
    The knife carefully drags downward, blood seeping from between the black material, and stills just under your bust line where your waist cincher catches the blade. "Hmm." Cutting straight down, the blade knocking through fabric and the hooks.
    The suit material was adhered to your cincher leaving your stomach bare. His free hand settled on your too warm skin, fingers tracing over the indentations left from the boning and material. 
    He tries to tug at the material but your body shifts with it, "I'll get this thing off you even if I have to skin you."
    Shouting catches his attention but Steve ignores the sound of gunfire, secure in the knowledge he was locked in. The knife veers direction and he slices down the side towards him, gripping the cincher for leverage. 
    Mid thigh Steve is startled when the door to the room flies across the room, knife jerking and slicing deep causing you to cry out, a pitiful cry. "Fuck!" Steve scrambles to cover the wound with his large hand but it does little to stop the blood.
    A hand grips into the back of his neck and tosses him as if he were a rag doll. He hits the wall leaving a crumbling indentation in the concrete. Shaking it off, Steve is prepared for a fight but once the disorientation is shaken off he manages to catch a glimpse of red before realizing he's alone.
    You're gone.
    .
    The bandage on your face and the butterfly band-aid running down your body to yet another oversized bandage at your thigh made it look as if it was bad. "I'm fine." A nurse stands idly to the side and you glance at her, "Tell him I'm fine."
    The him was Clark who was trying to take your temperature for the fifth time in the span of an hour. "You're not fine!" He also sends a look to the nurse who looks on amused, "Tell her she's not fine, a high fever is a sign of infection, God know what germs that cell had."
    "It was a clean cell." You try but Clark takes the opportunity to plop the thermometer into your mouth and you roll it under your tongue. 
    Beep.
    "It went up a degree!" 
    "For fucks sake. Lex!" You yell the other mans name.
    The phone rings at your bedside and you pick it up and hand it Clark who scowls. "Yes Dear." 
    The nurse tip toes closer to fluff your pillows as you settle back. The past few days a whirl wind of adventure. Between SHIELD putting out a warrant for you - both your identities - and fighting with Lex that no he shouldn't call a war against the organization and that you had a plan. Of course bumming it at the Luthor's meant you had a lovely nurse and a personal chef.
    The high life.
    "The husband requests I should leave you alone less I suffer a dry spell." He side eyes you and you hold a hand out to him which he takes and crawls beside you, careful of your body under the sheets. The nurse leaves and the two of you are left alone. "I was so scared. Seeing you there... bleeding..."
    "Me too." You admit, "I shouldn't be surprised but I am. Steve... that's not my Steve."
    His arm pulls you closer, dragging you off your pillow and into his arms. "He was never yours." It hurt but it was the truth. He gently brushes away your tears - it's not fair you still cried for this man - and gently turns your head so you can gaze at him, his touch soft as it hovers above your bandage. "Give us a chance ****."
    "Clark..." your eyes burn with more tears, afraid, you're so afraid. "I can't."
    "He could have killed you and yet he still holds a place in your heart."
    What? "No."
    "He's still there, he lived everyday content with another woman while you were left alone and bitter. Everything you've done to get to this point was because of him. He's still there, in your heart, a parasite, keeping you from moving on and taking a risk." You're  quiet and his normally stoic self turns frustrated and says, "The asshole stabbed you, doesn't he deserve to suffer?"
    "Yes. He deserves to suffer." The anger surged and you used your arm to prop yourself up, "Steve humiliated me. They all knew, fucking knew, and... I still have the fucking dress." Clark frowned, "How could he do that to me, why Clark. Why?"
    "Because he can." You flop back on the mattress and cover your eyes with the heels of your hand and will the hurt to die and your tears to dry. "He's  heartless but you're not."
    "Clark..."
    "No. He never cared ****, he used you while Sharon was away. If it wasn't for the other asshole, Steve would have dumped you at the alter or killed you off and you know that's true. Look what he did to you, you don't think he would have that spy take you out?"
    "No." You choke out and you sniff before a grin curls your lips. "He would have done it."
    "Or the..."
    "No." Sniff, "I hacked his journal. He was going to cause a car accident." Clark went stiff and in the distance you hear a crash, a slam of a door, and you glare at Clark, "You didn't hang up the phone!" It wasn't a question because a moment later the door to your bedroom swings in and the very tall, very angry shadow of Lex Luthor fills the doorway. 
    "****." It was your full name. Your full legal name and you went absolutely still. 
    "Babe..." Clark tries but Lex is a storm cloud as he saunters forward and ignores the pet name only his husband was allowed. 
    "Are you soft in the head?" Lex loomed over you and for the first time you were scared of him. 
    "Lex..."
    "Car accident? You knew he was planning on killing you and you still did nothing." The man didn't have to shout but each word was laced with venom that had your heart skip a beat.
    "I..."
    "Swallowing a bottle of pills isn't what you do when someone plans to murder you." Oh shit, "Jumping head first into missions without backup or extra ammo is not the way one plots revenge." Fuck. "Running off and putting yourself in suicidal situations does nothing but get you killed!"
    "I know."
    "Then why must you be so stupid!"
    "Because I needed to feel something!" You shout, it hurts to sit up but you scramble to do so as Clark assists. "I was stupid, is that what you want to hear? How stupid I was to believe that someone  could love me? Me? That someone would want me for something other than sex? That I was beautiful? Smart? That I was more? Stupid of me to think that a person could think I was worth a commitment and kids and a last name, a home, I was stupid to think I was worth a home, someone who can... can love me..."  it was hard to breath and see as the old hurt rear its ugly head and you can't be strong, dropping your head, spine hunching you press your hands against your eyes, the pressure easing the headache that was throbbed steadily. 
    "Lex, ease off." Clark rubs circles on your back.
    "No. She needs to deal with this and not wallow in self pity."
    "Lex!"
    Sniffing up the snot you wipe your nose and say, "It's not wallowing. I'm not a victim, read the definition asshole."
    "Of course you're not love but crying doesn't get back at someone who wants to cut your break cords."
    Sniff, "Drunk driver." Your eyes itch and you rub them again, "A t-bone."
Clark takes in your red eyes and the flush to your face before looking up to his husband, "Kill him."
    "No."
    "Already on it." Lex says matter of factly. 
    Again you say, "No. Death is too good." 
    Lex sighed, he was ready to snap at you again. "He's enhanced. What's your plan? You can't get close to him like before."
    "He's a conservative man, his reputation is everything to him." You say, "I got a plan to get SHIELD off my back and I'll make public his journals and porn crap."
    Lex frowns, "No maiming? Missing limbs?"
    You shake your head, "No. There's some heavy shit in those journals and secrets about the team. I'll black out the intel from missions but Steve gets off on knowing that the world sees him as this perfect man. A God amongst mortals. He won't know how to deal with it."
    "Alright, ok, we can work with that." Hands continued rubbing circles on your back, "Can I punch him at least?"
    "You're getting your hands dirty?" Surprised, Lex glanced down at you, "Guess he loves you more than me." In response Clark lugged a pillow at him.
    "Punch him twice. One for me and one for you." It comes from you.
    "Break his leg for me." Lex sends you a look but you don't say a word, "Payment for the stitches."
    "Mhm." You'd probably scar too. "Break both legs." You rub at your thigh where it itched.
    "I smell blood." Clark leans over and moves the blanket aside and patches of red bloom on your bandage, your shorts hiked up to V of your thighs. "Lex, get the nurse. You might have popped a stitch."
    "It's ok, I'm ok."
    "No, you're not." 
    The nurse comes in with a first aid bag and your bandage is removed showing that yes, you popped a stitch. It doesn't take long to fix it but you do lean into Clark for comfort. 
    .
    SHIIELD's system is down.
    Their backup of a backup doesn't work, nothing works. Cards danced on the screens, Queens of spades, hearts, diamonds, and clubs bounce up and down, left to right, in no specific direction. 
    They all know whose calling card halted all communications and in a solo room where a group of people who had complete access to everything were privy to a badly drawn cartoon of a queen of hearts card threatening to release sensitive information to earth and Google Earth images of all their safe house locations including their own. 
    Less than a day later SHIELD pulled all their warrants and people in the search of you. 
    An email was immediately sent with your resignation and quickly after that a website was made public with Captain America Secrets on full view and no A.I. or hacker could tear it down. 
    Not with the insane amount of protection you encased it in. Still, you had fail safes in case it was taken down plus the internet where nothing died was quick to copy and paste and you sat back in your hello kitty onsie as the world burned Steve Rogers and the Avengers.
    Tony's PR team was quick to claim it was a hoax and the others had denied all allegations against their own humiliation but you had finally let it go. 
    You had to.
    Looking up as a set of floor to ceiling windows slid open and you watched as Superman flew in and landed. His hair was in disarray, a portion of his suit was torn and blood was splattered on his cheek, not his blood you're sure. "Had fun?"
    A grin is tossed your way and the papers on the coffee table ruffled as the man sped to you and was right there, making your eyes cross. "Beautiful. Perfect. Brilliant. Patient. Crazy. Lovely."
    "Clark, heros say no to drugs." You interrupt his rambling.
    "I'm sober."
    "Meth?"
    "****."
    "Cocaine?"
    "****."
    "Sugar?" There's seconds, time for you to turn your head as Clark leans in, but you hold your breadth as he kisses you. A soft and gentle pressure and it's so sweet.
    "Let me love you ****." his brows press against yours, "Let us love you. Give us a chance."
    No.
    Just no.
    You don't need the extra heartache.
    "Okay." It slips out and you can't take it back. Do you want to take it back? 
    Clark's face is one of excitement and his eyes shine with something that you've seen before, when he looks at his husband and you were a sucker for pain. You can't take it back, "You won't regret it I promise." And with that Clark picks you up and you hold on. 
    "I'm not having sex so you can put me down." You kick your legs because you're almost sure you wouldn't.
    "Oh I know." He walks confidently to the still open window, "We need Lex for that. He has a sturdy desk and sound proof office."
    "Clark!"
    And he jumps, flying off in the direction of his husband's company. It would be a pleasant surprise but at least he was right, that desk was sturdy. 
    End.
Notes:
I can't write sex scenes so there you go. Use your imagination. I picture a spit roast scenario and a very slippery desk.
 I can confirm that Superman kicked Steve's ass, broke his legs - twice - and punched 3 times. Which is why Clark arrived looking disheveled. Also Steve did give as good as he got but Superman is a pretty boy with hopefully good dick (for you the readers sake ;)
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greekgoddess458 · 3 years ago
Text
shit said at my high school pt. 2
yall seemed to like the last one so here's the rest
“I DO want a KitKat.”
“I’m sorry, you might want to repeat that question, I wasn’t listening.”
“Heaven can’t stop her now.”
“That is NOT salty.”
“What are you, NORMAL?”
*aggressively dips a KitKat in cheese*
“I don’t want a blood clot.”
“I WILL break your kneecaps.”
“Ł Ø Ā F.”
“Can I have some napkin?”
Teacher: What’s the point of that specific type of decoration?
Me: *quietly* pretty
Teacher: What’s the speed of
light?
Me: VERY FAST
“I’d say I’m lost but I don’t even know where I’m supposed be to be.”
“Now would be a really good time to not.”
“It’s fine, I ate yesterday. I’ll just eat tomorrow.”
Student 1: Here comes Student 2.
*Student 2 cartwheels down the hallway towards Student 1 and me*
Student 2: What’s up, losers?
“Can I borrow the brain cell? I have a test next period.”
Teacher: Who proceeds King James 1?
Me: King James 2?
Student: Wait a minute.
“DÓNDE ESTÁ LA BIBLIOTECA??”
“Load, you stale ham sandwich of a computer.”
“Oh no, it’s fine, I’m just gonna fail.”
“Time to dissolve into the worthless particles that I am.”
“Both of the candidates are awful. I vote DJ for president.”
“My genius is sometimes...frightening.”
“Is it acceptable to cry?”
“I’m gonna slap you with celery.”
“BÊĀŃ.”
“I hate myself too, don’t worry.” -Freshman
“I’m sorry I like to BREATHE, [student name].” -Ella
“What did I just crunch?!” -Ella
“Oh no. Now I’ve given them standards.”
“Here, have a watermelon sour patch for your mental instability.”
“I’m concussed regularly.”
“I’m not thicc I’m just wide.”
“THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS.”
“These aren’t shorts, they’re jorts.” *swings foot onto desk* “RESPECT THE JORTS.”
“Are you cold, because if so, I have,” *pulls a giant Christmas cat sweater from backpack* “A little something extra.”
“Civics without mouse? Mouse without civics!”
“Ah yes. A mood.”
“Can we just stop existing?”
“Whose phone is moaning?”
“I heard you like bad girls. Well, I’m bad at everything.” *winks with both eyes*
“I used to like pickles and then I came to my senses and realized they were disgusting.”
Student 1: I want this headache to go away
Student 2: fine, I’ll leave!
“I don’t think eyeshadow is supposed to be ingested.”
“Would you like some *in goblin voice* GRÃŃØŁÁ.”
“Did you just Debbie Ryan me?”
“Real women set their husbands on fire. We don’t need no husbands that aren’t on fire.”
“I have tears in my eyes but I don’t think for a second that I have emotions.”
“Do it, coward.”
“It’s not my fault I’m gay!”
Me: You know who’s gonna look at the results at 11?
Student: JOHN CENA
“Do I smell TRUST ISSUES?!”
“I don’t want to sell cookies I want to start fires!”
“WE’RE SETTING DONALD TRUMP ON FIRE?!?!”
“My arms look like tampons.”
“I don’t care about your missing kids.”
“My goal is to be hot enough to make people question their sexuality, but I’m ugly enough to do the same thing, so...”
“Is your hair strong enough to strangle someone?”
“I’m in fluent in antagonist.”
“You’re not fat, you’re fluffy.”
*angrily throws down Oreo *
*screeches* MY CHEESE”
“Ooh, leg hair,”
“Tis I, the Frenchiest fry.”
“I want to be immortal but I want to blow up.”
“Oh no. My tape.”
“Oh, if only I could change my sexuality.”
“Then don’t eat the earring!”
“I broke your table ONE TIME, [student name]. One time.”
“[student name], POLE!” *THUD*
“Hey, [student name], you look like a depressed dog!”
“I wanna jump in a volcano.”
“I’m kind of simping over the sky.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t speak hand.”
“Did you guys just Thanos snap a bag of Doritos?”
“Do you have any sodium nitrate in your meth lab?”
“I wish a guy would look at like me like I look at frozen yogurt.”
“We need to inject vegetables with heroin.”
“MELT HIM INTO A CANDLE.”
“Do y’all wanna know why I wouldn’t survive in the hood?”
*drinks refried beans*
“M I X.”
“[student name], don’t go into the meth lab!”
me: “What does it feel like to fall in love?”
student: “Idk, all I’ve ever done is fall.”
“It was the ghetto. We took naps.” -Quil
“I’d be willing to amputate my foot to go back to that class.”
me: Are you willing to commit murder?
my bf: No! Why do you keep asking that?
“I CAN’T GET A GOOD WAFT.”
“Can I lick that bee over there?”
“Look that car is peeing!”
“You know I love you because I give you tots.”
*in Indian accent* “I am under the water.”
“There are pants in the trash can.”
“Do you know your directions, because I do.”
“I wonder if this is how it feels to stab people.”
“Plus they had to have backup kids because someone’s gonna die.”
“Can I go outside and cough?”
“A l i e n p r o t e c t i o n.”
“IM IN THE WILL???”
“Tis I, the gayest guy.”
*reading* I’m not in the mood for shopping anymore. “Well I guess you won’t be in the mood for eating anymore either.”
“Excuse me for a moment.” *takes off shoe and coins fall out*
student 1: I’m gonna fail this test
student 2: I’m gonna fail life
*has a battle in Chemistry*
“We bonded over hating our stepmom.”
“It’s kinda like a game of connect the dots... but in my head *stares into the abyss*”
“What would you do if I just turned into a lizard?”
“Lamp posts are my favorite.”
“I’m going to eat all the buildings.”
“Stop throwing lettuce at people!”
“stop rubbing Cheeto dust on my knee.”
*Impulsively buys a piñata*
*goes outside to yell at a candle*
*screams* “I feel better now. Thank you.”
“Is the ghetto in Italy the Spaghetto?”
“Delete all the kerchiefs.”
“I’m out here living my best life, dressed like a frog.”
“If you don’t stop petting the little Chewbacca and tell us where the pink bear is, I’ll boil your socks”
“Just speak Latin. It’s not that hard.”
“I need a junior mint to get through this.”
“If a murderer is about to come out and kill me can you just get it over with.”
“I won’t kill him. I’ll simply strip the life from his body using violent methods.”
*yells at nutrition drink* “I THOUGHT WE WERE PAST THAT.”
“Keep sticky notes nearby. They save lives.”
“I may feel like I'm dying but that cottagecore dress grind never stops.”
“WHY DID YOU SEND ME THE GENETICALLY MODIFIED COW?”
“your mental health is dwindling and you’re running out of haircut.”
“If it’s a ginger i will step on their ankles.”
“I named another one of my children after a condiment.”
“See I ain’t want stuff that say thankful on it because I ain’t thankful”
“Well we can’t really watch movies on chalkboards.”
student: white pants, white shoes, white skin
me: I thought you were on college BLACKboard
“I’m gonna go be depressed in math.”
“Family genes? How many people have worn them?”
me: I’m FINE
Also me: *proceeds to nearly pass out 5 times, uses my boyfriend as a human crutch, can barely form sentences*
me: I’m totally fine
“Get your tiny lungs today!”
student 1: That’s homophobic
student 2: I’m not afraid of homes. IM AFRAID OF COMMITMENT
“I don’t like social media it’s it’s too social”
me: what are fake limbs called??
student: ghost limb??
“This year is going by so slow. Like, there’s nothing traumatic happening in my life to make it go faster.” *proceeds to trauma dump*
“It’s the Bunsen burner without the Bunsen.”
“My notes are everything.” *drops phone while doing arson*
“I’m sorry I’m cultured enough to eat spaghetti with a straw.”
“Skiidaddleeskiddœdle.”
“Yeah… you could probably go for about 400 k on the black market”
“Can I have a sip of your death?”
“It’s too sweet for me.” *immediately picks up a cookie to eat*
me: it’s not the boys being distracted, it’s the middle age men. *cough* [teacher name] *cough*
[different teacher]: I wouldn’t call him middle aged-
“You’re trying to outrun a lesbian.”
*hands teacher a rubber band ball the size of a small kickball* “MR. WE’RE GOING TO THE NURSE” drags me to the nurses office* “I bringeth you [my name]” *proceeds to stand halfway in the door while i talks to nurse, then grins afterwards* “I still have the dinosaur in my pocket”
*feels like im going to pass out so loops Gravity*
“You need personal space from my face” *falls to the ground 20s later*
*yelling* “MAD MADAM MIM”
“I need you to not die.”
*pulls out 2 decks of cards, a birthday card, physical therapy bands, a Walmart bag, and a plane ticket while looking for a calculator*
*walks into classroom and sees the teacher* “WHY ARE YOU HERE???”
me: *walks past*
[math teacher]: *whispers* c a l c u l u s
“You’re a lesbian you can get there and back in 2 seconds.”
“Can i go home? Question mark?”
“Is there bread beside my name?”
me, showing cut on my hand: look what I did to my hand
my bf: what happened??
me: I whacked the soap dispenser
my bf: *momentary pause to see if im joking*
me:
my bf, realizes im not joking: *laughs and hugs me*
me: *voice muffled by his shoulder* I’m an i d i o t
*makes a slideshow of strange photos instead of doing homework*
*laughs about a tree for a literal whole day*
“We can’t give in just because we’re sad.” *slaps knee*
“Breaking news: cheese isn’t real, according to local gym teacher.”
*uses 2 notebooks as a booster to reach the table*
“Oh my lord Mallory”
“I may be depressed but at least I’m hydrated.”
me: why are you sniffing my eye shadow??
[teacher]: don’t sniff eye shadow
“You can’t shove food in people’s faces, that’s MY thing!” *proceeds to shove grape jelly at my face for a full minute*
“Can I get a shot of [my name's] ear juice please?”
so yeah. i hope you enjoyed it.
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onxsm · 6 years ago
Note
all the texts for parker to tegan.
TEXT MEME || OPEN
[ AFFECTIONATE TEXT ]: How did I get so lucky to be married to you for ten years? Really, why did you ever agree to a life with me? We were so young and there was so much to lose by shaping our lives around each other. But I’m so thankful we did. You are my everything in this world. You come before hockey. Shocker I know. 
[ DRUNK TEXT ]: WHY AM I GIVING MY BODY UP AND HAVING A PARASITE LIVE IN IT!?! I HAVE SO MANY MORE YEARS LEFT PLAYING HOCKEY. WHY DID MAKING A FAMILY COME NOW?! I’M GOING TO MISS ALL OF THIS ALCOHOL. 10 MONTHS IS A LONG TIME. I DISLIKE YOU. 
[ FINAL TEXT ]: I can’t do this. I just can’t. I can’t go through another loss. I refuse to do it. 
[ MEANT FOR SOMEONE ELSE ]: I swear if Tegs doesn’t stop treating me like a cripple I’m going to lose it. I’m pregnant not incompetent. I can do things on my own. 
[ LATE NIGHT TEXT ]: Please come home from the office. It’s so late and our bed is so cold without you. It’s funny that I’m always the human heater but now that there’s this little girl taking over my body I’m freezing. Please, please, please come home to us. 
[ HALF ASLEEP TEXT ]: It’s so hard trying to stay up for you to get home. You promised me. 
[ EARLY MORNING TEXT ]: WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! I made pancakes, eggs, waffles, french toast, fruit salad, fresh squeezed orange juice, coffee, and yogurt cups. YOU NEED TO GET UP THERE’S A STAR WARS MARATHON ON. 
[ APOLOGETIC TEXT ]: It’s my fault we keep failing at getting pregnant. I’m sorry that my body isn’t the right fit for this. I know how much we want a family and I’m trying. I’m trying so hard. 
[ ANGRY TEXT ]: I HATE YOU FOR MAKING ME GET FAT! 
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dorkyungsoowrites · 6 years ago
Text
Spontaneous Attraction Ch. 28
Pairings: Kyungsoo x You
Genre: Fluff/Angst/Smut | Ambiguous AU
Warnings: None
Word Count: 2.7k
Description: Minseok wants to cash in on the favor you owe.
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 |
It was time. You had lost a bet with Minseok and now he had decided what his favor should be. The suggestive smirk spoke more than the greeting on his lips the instant he stepped into your apartment. He closed the front door behind him then slung an arm around your shoulders. You hadn't thrown on much before rushing to the door when you heard knocking. Only Kyungsoo's shirt and some sweatpants. You had panicked, thinking it was one of your neighbors coming to complain about noise from the night before. When Minseok had grinned in the doorway you relaxed. However, with his heat pressed to your side you froze awkwardly. He seemed to sense you weren't comfortable and shuffled away a few paces.
"What's up?" you asked as you strolled to the kitchen. He followed you, leaning on the island while you rummaged through the fridge for breakfast.
"I figured I'd take Soo to work today, and I thought of your punishment." You settled on a cup of yogurt for yourself and a bagel with cream cheese for Kyungsoo. You'd both put off getting out of bed for so long neither of you had time to cook. Your knees were still chattering with the effort of holding you up. As you got the proper utensils and began spreading the cream cheese you spoke to your unexpected guest.
"So? What is it?"
"At least act a little worried," the man pouted.
"I'm too tired to act like anything, Minnie. Plus we agreed it wouldn't be sexual favors so I don't care."
"Why are you so tired?"
"Didn't sleep well."
"Oh, well anyway. You know how we wear masks and stuff out in public?"
"Please get to the point," you sighed.
"Buy sex toys for me?" Your eyes snapped up, incredulous. Minseok was smiling and batting his eyelashes.
"You know you can do that online, right?"
"But I want you to do it."
"Will you pay me back?"
"Of course."
"Alright," you shrugged. His smile dropped, shoulders sagging.
"What? You're not embarrassed?"
"I understand why you don't want to be seen buying that stuff, but I don't care. I can go to the store I usually go to. The people there are really nice and helpful. Do you want something that's hard to find?" His pout was back. It was fun to see his plan to mess with you crumbling.
"No, but I haven't had the chance to..." His words trailed. He had an idea. You saw it in his eyes. He leaned his chest over the counter more as if he had cleavage he was trying to flaunt. "Since you're so casual about sex can you buy me those things anyway and still do a punishment?"
"And why should she?" Kyungsoo stepped in. Shirtless in only jeans, to your confusion. Not on why; it was quite normal when you were alone, and you knew Kyungsoo was really close to all the other members. But your emotions went haywire when you saw the messy trail of bitemarks, scratches and hickies spotting his torso out in full daylight. Your face flushed hot. You swallowed the sudden amount of saliva you had with a fat tongue. You tried with all your power to pry your eyes off his gorgeous, heavily marked skin, but jesus fucking christ that man made you weak. A rush of arousal hit you like a monster truck as your gaze followed the irritated red scratches on his sides going up to his ribs then around out of sight on his back. As you remembered when you made them. The way he felt inside of you, slamming into you while looking at you through it all. You remembered biting those crescents by his collarbone and on his shoulder. The way his voice echoed in your ears as he moaned and swore he was yours. Your eyes drifted to the red and bruised patches that traveled from the base of his neck over his chest and stomach then to the one peeking out on his hip. Only partly covered by the band of his underwear that barely stuck out from his jeans. You had to brace yourself with a hand on the counter. Your joints were jelly. Your legs felt like they might come out from under you. Then someone touched your cheek and you snapped out of your memories. Kyungsoo was much closer, and when you looked up at his face he was holding back a grin. He pressed his lips lightly to yours then steadied you with a hand on the small of your back.
"Are you okay, jagi?"
"Ah~" Minseok drew out. He giggled like he found out a secret. "Didn't sleep well, was it?" He was ignored by both of you. Kyungsoo's hands slipped to your waist and suddenly you were sitting on the island counter. You reached out without thought, urging him by his shoulders to come stand between your legs. The grin he'd fought cracked his lips as he leaned closer, and your fingers slipped into his hair. It was still damp from the shower he just finished before Minseok came.
"Your face is all red." You could hear the amusement in his voice. Your nails scratched the base of his skull lightly, mesmerized by the way his expressions shifted faintly as he talked. How focused he was. "Let's eat and I'll help you back into bed." There was a magnetic pull to touch him. So you didn't debate. You practically fell forward to catch his lips. They gave under the weight of your own for a moment before you felt them tightening and stretching into a smile. He chuckled, letting you taste his happiness, and pulled away. You leaned your head on his shoulder and mumbled,
"You look breathtaking." Kyungsoo laughed once then whispered,
"Thank you." It was very quiet for several seconds before he backed away completely, leaving your reach. Minseok was handing him a collared navy shirt. You hadn't noticed him leaving to retrieve it. Kyungsoo pulled his arms through and began buttoning it closed. Your gaze finally widened to the rest of reality with your nights escapades hidden under fabric. Is that how Kyungsoo felt when you walked around with his marks? Cause if so, how the hell did he control himself? Your blood was on fire. But holy shit it felt good to see his pleasure stamped into his skin. He'd feel those bruises for days, thinking of you. Wanting you again. Your head was dizzy with delight.
"Hey dove," the eldest called your attention. "If you're too sore from last night I can come back later for that favor."
"No," you responded then shook your head clear. Your voice more stable and audible. "No, I have work anyway. I'll...I'll go after my lessons. What did you want again?" Minseok smiled. To his right Kyungsoo was tucking his shirt into his jeans.
"I'll write it down. Thanks again. Um, about the bet though..."
"Yes I'll still do a punishment," you replied in mock exasperration. He sprang up and clapped happily. His smile lit up the small apartment.
"Good! I had a backup! You have to watch one of my dramas with me." You sighed. "Without mocking it." That made you groan.
"But the shows you like are stupid."
"Just because they use tropes doesn't mean it's bad."
"No, but they write it horribly. And the acting is so over the top. I don't know how people enjoy that bullshit."
"I said no bad-mouthing," Minseok scowled. You grit your teeth.
"Fine."
"Good. Now where's some paper?"
"I have some in my music bag." You jumped down from the counter on wobbly legs. Slow to stand upright. When you did you faked more strength when you noticed Kyungsoo watching you warily. You went to the corner and on the floor by the bookshelf was your bag. You grabbed a small stack of sticky notes and a pencil, and gave them the Minseok. Normally you used them to mark a students lesson book so they knew what to practice at home. He wrote while Kyungsoo tied his shoes, sitting on the sofa. When he finished Minseok gave your things back with a,
"Come on. We're gonna be late," over his shoulder. Kyungsoo grabbed the bagel you made for him and started following the eldest toward the front door. He stopped long enough to kiss your cheek.
"Sorry I can't sit and eat with you. Don't push yourself too hard today, jagi. I'll be home late tonight."
"H-hold on," you stammered. You flung your arms around his neck and hugged him. Then you whispered, "I'll be thinking of you." Kyungsoo smiled and chuckled, understanding the implication.
"I'll miss you, too." You felt his free hand on your waist, fingertips tightening in a brief reassuring squeeze. Your heart raced. The heat from his hand burning through the thin borrowed t-shirt. "But I really have to go now."
"Sorry," you replied and quickly let go. Minseok waved with a,
"I'll come over tonight for that drama session." Then they left. You hauled yourself to the kitchen for your yogurt and collapsed. Your legs screaming in joy as you relaxed.
As the day went on your muscles regained their strength. Luckily for you all your music lessons were taught sitting down so you could recover. The feeblness in your knees especially lasted much longer than it ever had before. You really needed to work out your legs if you were going to repeat the previous night more often. Which you suspected Kyungsoo would enjoy. You would very much like it, too.
Buying Minseok's list of things was easy. It wasn't really much of a list anyway. He just wanted a dildo, to which he gave you a brand and model name, a rubber cock ring and a decent pair of leather cushioned handcuffs. You imagined he had been using ties and shirts until now and needed something more sturdy. After lessons you ate, went to the adult toy store, bought a few odd groceries and went back to the apartment. There was only one weird thing to happen while you were out, but you weren't sure what to make of it. So you would wait until Minseok came over and ask his opinion.
To pass the time you practiced your new set for the orchestra. You had previously introduced yourself to the neighbors on either side of you to make sure they were okay with you practicing since you could be loud. They both worked during the day so there was nothing stopping you like at your last place. At least on weekdays. One had even come over one afternoon just to compliment how well you sounded because they were home sick. You didn't practice as long that day so they could sleep and brought them some honey to put in their tea.
Once you finished practice you got a text from Minseok saying he was almost done for the day. You ordered pizza and not ten minutes after it arrived Minseok was knocking on your door. He didn't waste any time getting food and settling on your sofa. You smiled as you grabbed your own food and two beers and joined him. It was nice to have friends who felt comfortable in your shared apartment. He propped his feet on your coffee table, plate on his lap, one arm on the back of the sofa behind you. You pulled up your laptop and settled into his side while he used his free hand to search for his show. When it started you did your best not to roll your eyes at the cheesy soundtrack.
If his goal was to get you hooked he failed miserably. Although it was a good distraction to keep your thoughts from lingering on Kyungsoo and the marks you left on him. He picked an episode in the middle of the series and kept talking over the dialogue to catch you up on the plot. When he wasn't explaining why something was happening he was ranting about the characters. How he hates this girl for doing this. Why he thinks this should happen. Quick, look at that guy; I'd totally go down on him. Minseok was more entertaining than the show. He'd hardly even touched his pizza by the end. The show you still hated, but seeing Minseok so invested in these characters was fun. So when one episode ended you clicked on the next one. Ready to hear your binging buddy's raving commentary. Turns out, the more beer he had the more trash he'd talk. You were howling with laughter by the end of it, your punishment of not being allowed to mock thrown out the window. Your head had moved from his shoulder to a pillow he put on his lap. Both of you pointing out dumb mistakes and practically screaming at the screen when someone made a bad choice. Your night of watching horrible television ended when Kyungsoo came home. You moved your legs and sat up as he sank into the cushions beside you. He leaned his head back with a deep sigh, exhausted.
"And that's my queue to leave."
"Don't feel the need to rush. I'm just tired," Kyungsoo assured. "Stay as long as you'd like." He turned his head to look at you. "How were lessons, jagi? You mentioned one of your students is graduating soon right?"
"Oh," you realized, snapping to attention. You tucked your legs under you. "I almost forgot. Something weird did happen today. I got a call earlier."
"What about?"
"They said they were your fan. Well, they said Chanyeol was their favorite." Minseok immediately jumped from the couch to go in front of you. Kyungsoo's head shot up, eyes wide.
"Were they harassing you?" the oldest spat out quickly. "Did they say how they found you? Do we need to change your number?"
"No," you laughed. "God no. It'd be chaos giving my new number to everyone in my contacts. Plus it'd kill my teaching business. She was nice. She said she's been thinking about starting piano." Minseok's shoulders relaxed. So did Kyungsoo's features. Your words settling over them like dust.
"So why was it weird?"
"I don't know. It was just...my first time talking to one of your fans. It was surreal to hear about y'all from that perspective I guess."
"What did you talk about?"
"Well, not much. She introduced herself and told me her and her friends online were happy for me. I was kind of flustered so she assured me not to be nervous. That very few people were actually upset Kyungsoo is dating, which was really comforting actually," you chuckled nervously. "She looked up some of my performances, too. Then she mentioned wanting to learn piano because of Chanyeol and asked if that's how we became friends as kids. She said she would have to call me back after she knows she can afford music lessons."
"So nothing scary?"
"No, just weird. Good weird," you reassured with a smile.
"Aren't you worried about more fans calling you?" Kyungsoo questioned.
"Maybe, but for now not really. It's not like she stalked me to find it. If you search my name I have my website. It has clips of me performing and credentials for people who want to hire me, and my teaching information with ways to contact me. They can either ask for lessons or I'll block them. Whatever." With a shrug the two men accepted your answer for now. You were confident your anxieties from before were for nothing. Kyungsoo had been right. As long as you're happy with him everything else was background noise. Whether his fans hate or love you, you would stay. He would do the same. You knew it without a shred of doubt. No matter what occurs it looks like fate has you two tied together.
"Well thanks for hanging out dove," Minseok waved as he grabbed the opaque black bag with the toys you bought him. "It's nice watching those shows with someone."
"Anytime Minnie. I actually had fun." Kyungsoo waved lazily over his shoulder as Minseok went to the front door.
"See you tomorrow." You watched the door open and shut, leaving you alone with Kyungsoo. Leaning your head on his chest you sighed contentedly. You felt him take a deep breath, fingers going into your hair. Pulling the strands through his digits before they fluttered down and tickled your skin.
"So, how was your work today?"
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fatgirlwritesscenarios · 7 years ago
Text
Masterpiece
((This one I did for fun because who doesn’t love Jeonghan?! And I haven’t written anything sweet for him yet, so...here we are. This one goes out to all of my chubby/fat readers! Enjoy, my ladies!))
Pairing: JeonghanxChubby!Reader
Genre: Fluff
Word Count: 5,302
Summary: Chan was on a mission to find out what the hell Jeonghan was being so sneaky for. What he found may or may not have been fully clothed. Either way, he wasn’t prepared for it. 
Jeonghan had a secret. Chan knew that he did. It wasn’t some vague, obscure secret that Jeonghan just forgot to tell them about, like what kind of pet he had when he was in kindergarten. This secret was…bigger, more important. This was something he deemed worth hiding even from the other members and when Jeonghan really set his mind to something, he did just the most.
The signs were there, but you wouldn’t know any better unless you were paying close attention to him. Chan started noticing it in the way Jeonghan was constantly- constantly- glued to his phone, how he had it with him literally at all times and took care to never leave it unattended. How certain messages would come through and he would immediately drop everything to answer them; their manager couldn’t even get him to respond that quickly. Smiles bigger than his face would glue themselves to his lips, but only when no one was looking.
On top of that, Chan started noticing this pattern whenever it came to any free time they would have. For the most part, Jeonghan was present at the dorms with them or going out to lunch or going shopping, unless they had free time on either a Wednesday or Saturday. If a day off fell on either one of those days, Jeonghan was up and out of the dorm from morning till night, sending messages to Seungcheol periodically to tell him that he was okay, but otherwise never hinted to where he was or what he was doing.
The others brushed it off, or didn’t even notice the pattern. They didn’t even seem to notice that he was acting strange at all and this has been going on for a few months! But Chan noticed.
Chan noticed that Jeonghan had a secret and he was going to find out what it was.
*~*~*~*
8 Am Saturday morning.
It was the first day off for the boys after an exhausting run of variety shows, music shows, concerts and fan signs. They didn’t get back from their last event until well after midnight the night before- which was a miracle in and of itself. About half of the boys ended up crawling into bed the minute they got home, forgoing showers until the next morning. It was understandable that no one had any plans to be up early and with Jeonghan being who is, he was the last person anyone thought would be up before noon.
There he was, though, creeping quietly through the snoring dorm, freshly showered and dressed down in gray trackies, a white shirt and a zip-up hoodie. Chan was up at the same time, having set his alarm clock to make sure he didn’t miss the older. He slowly entered the kitchen just as Jeonghan was rustling through the fridge, more than likely looking for something quick to eat before taking off. Chan saw Jeonghan’s keys, wallet, and a mask on the counter and just underneath the wallet was a piece of paper, something scribbled across it.
Chan moved closer and reached over to slide the paper out. Blue Skies - #2577 stared back at him and he felt his brow furrow in confusion. What the hell did this mean?
“Ah! Chan!” The younger jumped, jerking his head up to see Jeonghan staring back at him with one hand over his heart and the other clutching a yogurt drink. “Why are you sneaking around like this? You almost gave me a heart attack!”
“You’re being dramatic, Hyung,” Chan replied, rolling his eyes just before Jeonghan quickly plucked the paper away from him, “And if I’m sneaking around, it’s because you’re sneaking around.”
“I’m not sneaking around. I’m trying to be quiet so I don’t wake the others. What are you doing up, anyway? I figured you would have been in a coma still along with everyone else.”
“I was going to ask you the same thing? Especially you,” Chan said, earning a bored look from Jeonghan as the older opened the yogurt bottle and drank from it. “Where are you going? You’re always disappearing on the Saturdays that we have off.”
“I’m visiting someone,” Jeonghan answered, finishing his drink and tossing it, “A grandmother that I met a while ago at the grocery store. She lives alone and no one really goes to visit her. I try to make it a point to spend a day with her when I can.”
Seems reasonable enough…a good story. A convenient story, but Chan wasn’t buying it- not fully. Jeonghan had tricked and teased them all too many times for the younger to just accept his explanation at face value. If it came from anyone else, he would have left it. But this was Jeonghan and whatever he was hiding, whoever he was really going to see, Chan wanted to know.
“That’s really nice of you, Jeonghan-ah. Let me go with you. I want to meet her.” There was a brief moment of hesitation on Jeonghan’s part at Chan’s request, but it was just a moment and it passed before the younger could be sure if what he saw in the older’s eyes was panic or not.
Jeonghan shook his head, “Sorry, Chan, but I can’t. I can’t just show up with another person without warning her first and she requires a 48 hour notice. She’s very particular like that. It’s cute.”
“I’m sure she won’t mind,” Chan insisted, watching Jeonghan quickly pick up his things and place the mask over his mouth, “Just give her one of your charming smiles when we get there. No one can resist those. She’ll forgive you in a second.”
Jeonghan sighed dramatically, as if he was being forced to bear a great burden, before saying, “Unfortunately, not even I can sway every woman. She’s a tough one. Took me months just to convince her to let me start visiting. The only time I would see her was at the grocery store.” He paused, a fond smile touching his lips. Chan stared at him, wondering what memory of this old woman could have created such a gentle gesture. Jeonghan blinked and looked at Chan, his devilish smirk returning, “Maybe next time, Chan. See you later.”
With that, he zoomed out of the dorm and left Chan behind rather rattled by the sudden departure. The youngest pouted at being dismissed, but he wasn’t about to give up so easily. Rushing back to his shared room, he snatched up a hat and mouth mask along with his own keys, wallet and phone before sprinting through the front door.
If Jeonghan wasn’t going to tell him where he was really going and what he was really doing, then Chan would just follow him.
It was a solid enough plan- as far as spontaneous plans went- and one that worked for the first 20 minutes that Chan trailed behind him. He was sure to keep his distance, but wondered if that was even necessary considering how Jeonghan’s eyes were glued to his phone again, barely looking up to maneuver the crowd. Jeonghan made a quick stop at a convenience store and then one more at a flower stall on the street, Chan diving out of sight behind a vending machine. Armed with the treats and the biggest bouquet the florist had for sale, Jeonghan made his way to the bus stop where they waited only five minutes for the bus to arrive. Chan waited three people behind Jeonghan, keeping his head down once he boarded the bus and taking the seat closest to the front so the other wouldn’t notice him.
The plan to follow him was going smoothly…until the third stop. There was a sudden influx of people that crowded onto the bus, mostly older women, and Chan found himself the victim of handbag assault as the women’s purses bumped and smacked into him. By the time everyone was comfortably situated, the bus was back on route and when Chan peeked up towards the back, Jeonghan was gone.
“What?!” he gasped, groaning and dragging his hands down the bill of his cap, “Oh man, I lost him! Hey, Mister! Do you think you could pull over really quick to let me off?”
“You had your chance, kid! You’ll have to wait until the next stop to get off,” the bus driver answered, not even bothering to glance at him.
Chan clicked his tongue and flopped back in his seat, an agitated sigh passing his lips. “How did he slip past me? Only Jeonghan,” he grumbled, tapping his knee and wracking his brain for his next move, “Where was he going? What was it again that was written on that paper?”
Blue. Something with the color blue. Chan worried his bottom lip and closed his eyes, thinking hard. Blue…Blue Lake? Blue Diamond? Blue…Water?
A sharp gasp and his eyes flew open, “Blue Skies! #2577! What is that? Where is that?”
He whipped his phone out of his pocket and quickly typed in the search engine the words Blue Skies- #2577. A list of apartment buildings that were similar to the search words and a nursing home popped up, Chan groaning at all the possibilities; Jeonghan could literally be at any of these places and while Chan did technically have all day, he still didn’t think there was enough time!
“Well…Hyung did say he was going to visit a grandmother, so the best place to start would be the nursing home,” he muttered to himself, noting that the home was about ten minutes away by bus, “And I’ll just work my way back from there.”
With a certain strong determination that only Chan had to solve this mystery, he settled back for the rest of the ride.
*~*~*~*
Jeonghan accidentally took the wrong bus. He caught his mistake before we went too far out of his way, but he was still 20 minutes late. When he finally made it to his destination, he found himself standing outside of a light blue, 7-story apartment complex, a large stone plaque to his left reading Blue Skies Apartments.
“It’s even nicer in person. And it’s in a really good neighborhood…at least I’ll know she’ll be safe,” he mused to himself, taking only a second more to admire the building before he skipped up the steps and walked through the glass door into the lobby.
He went straight for the elevators, taking one of the three up to the second floor and stepping out into a wide hallway with light blue carpeting and cream-colored walls. He followed the numbers on the doors, searching for the one written on his paper.
2574. 2575. 2576. And 2577.
Making sure that he was presentable enough, that he had his bag of treats and the bouquet he bought hadn’t been crushed while on the bus, he rang the doorbell- momentarily surprised that the apartments even had doorbells- and waited.
All of 10 seconds passed and then…a voice…your voice…sweet and playful calling through the door. “No one’s home,” you giggled.
Jeonghan chuckled himself, whining at you, “Jagiya, come on. Let me in!”
“Sorry, only boyfriends who are on time can enter my sacred temple,” you responded.
“Are we talking about your apartment or your body? Because I’ve been inside both,” he shot back with a smug smirk.
Nothing else got him what he wanted from you more than embarrassing you and, true to prediction, there you were- flinging the door open and glaring at him with a scandalized look on your face.
“Jeonghan!” you hissed, peeking down the halls with flushed cheeks, “You can’t say things like that so loudly outside my door. What if one of my neighbors heard you?”
You could tell he was grinning from the way his eyes crinkled a bit at the corners. He lifted his hand and tugged down his mask until it rested under his chin, his lips pressing swiftly to yours. “Yes…what if?” he teased you, chuckling when you clicked your tongue and then grabbed the front of his shirt to pull him inside.
Once the door was shut, you let him go and crossed your arms under your breasts, looking not the least bit amused, “Remind me why I agreed to be your girlfriend.”
“Because even though I reveal our bedroom memoirs in the hallway outside your apartment, you love me and I love you.”
You only blinked. Slowly. Uncooperative.
“And I absolutely adore you and miss you like crazy when I have to be away from you for as long as I was while promoting our comeback…and I bring you flowers and chocolate.” That seemed to do the trick, a smile blooming on your face when he presented you with the gifts.
You accepted the bouquet and pressed your nose into the petals, inhaling their sweet scent and letting your eyes flicker up to Jeonghan- your handsome and devilishly playful Jeonghan whom you had missed dreadfully while he was away. For fear of inflating his ego, though, you were going to keep that confession to yourself for the moment.
You stepped forward and draped your free arm around his neck just as he wrapped his own around your waist, pulling you flush against his body. He eagerly accepted the kiss you offered, melting into you with zero resistance.
He drew his hand up and down your back, using his other to caress your side, his thumb stopping just on the side of your breast. He missed this, just being with you…just touching you. When you finally broke for a breath of air, he leaned his forehead against yours, the both of you closing your eyes to enjoy the presence of the other.
“I’ve missed you,” you whispered.
“I’ve missed you, too,” he whispered back, kissing the tip of your nose and then glancing down at you, “…Are you wearing any shorts under this?”
He was just noticing how little you were wearing, his fingers tugging at the hem of your light purple shirt. It was a long shirt, almost like a dress, and on any other woman it would have been just that: a dress that fell to their knees and nearly swallowed them up. On you, though- on your chubby, supple body, it hugged all the curves and rolls and stopped at the middle of your thick thighs. It clung to your wide hips, dipped slightly into your natural waist and then followed the curve of your breasts, the sleeves billowing over your chubby arms and the neck falling down your shoulder. You were like a Renaissance Era painting, all soft-body and sensuality.  
Jeonghan wished he could paint.
You gave him a little smirk and winked, “Maybe…Maybe not.”
That rattled him speechless, eyes fixed hungrily on the sway of your hips as you sauntered away from him and slowly, oh so slowly, gathered up the fabric of the shirt in your hand, bringing it higher and higher. Just as you were turning the corner into the kitchen, the expanse of your thighs already laying bare to him at this point, Jeonghan caught a glimpse of pink panties and completely lost himself. The bag of snacks and chocolates clattered to the floor as he hurried after you, your shriek of delight ripping into the air a moment later.
*~*~*~*
Four hours, three locations, one long bus ride and one mile hike later and Chan finally found it: Blue Skies Apartments. It took a bit of doing and researching and more resilience than someone should invest in considering the circumstances, but Chan felt he was finally in the right place. The nursing home had been a bust and the next two places after that- a dog groomer and a dorm building of a local university- produced even less results. Chan had been careful in picking the last place he would check before he would be forced to call the whole thing off, but standing in front of the light blue building now, he just had that feeling.
Jeonghan was in here. He had to be. Now if he could only remember what apartment number was written on that paper…
“25 something…25 something…25 something…” he murmured to himself, walking up the same steps Jeonghan took and passing through the same glass doors.
He stood in the lobby for a moment, looking around, trying to figure out what to do or where to go next. There was no one around that he could ask for directions or even if they had seen a rather beautiful looking man come through the building wearing a white shirt, gray sweats and a hoodie with a face mask on. Chan spotted the elevators to his left and decided to just take his chances, stepping inside of one and tapping the number for the second floor. Once there, he wandered off the elevator and down the hallway, muttering the numbers on the doors to himself as he passed them. The closer he got to the 2570s, the closer he felt to solving the mystery.
Of course, there was the chance that Jeonghan wasn’t even in this building and Chan could be making a huge fool of himself- again. However, as he passed 2576 and stopped in front of 2577, he just knew. This had to be it. Jeonghan had to be here.
Chan reached out and rang the doorbell.
*~*~*~*
“I’m starting to think you like my hoodie more than you like me.”
“It’s comfortable. And it smells like you.”
Jeonghan smiled up at you, his head in your lap and tilting into your touch as you carded your fingers through his still-damp hair. You had spent the better part of the last four hours locked in your bedroom where Jeonghan had chased you after your little scene in the kitchen. He took his time reacquainting himself with your perfectly delectable body, how it felt to have you under him…on top of him; what your pretty little sighs and moans sounded like when on the verge of explosive pleasure.
It was the perfect stress reliever followed by relaxing showers that you claimed needed to be taken separately or else we’ll be right back in the bedroom for another three hours.
Now, you both were lounging in the living room, you curled up in the corner of your sofa and Jeonghan stretched out with his head in your lap and some drama playing on the TV while you waited for the food you ordered 30 minutes ago to arrive. He was back in his white shirt and gray trackies, but you had stolen his hoodie to wear over your neon green boy shorts and galaxy blue bralette. He adored how comfortable you were in your own skin, how you weren’t afraid to be sexy and free, especially in front of him.
He reached over his head, taking your hand in his and lacing your fingers together; “By the way, your apartment’s really nice,” he stated, doing a once-over of his surroundings and noting the stray boxes still scattered here and there. The overall layout of the apartment was quite spacious, the kitchen opening into the small dining room and living room in the same motion. Beyond the living room, down the hallway, was your bedroom, a bathroom and a smaller room where you were you thinking of setting up an office.
You peeked around, too, and said, “Thanks. I’m not completely done unpacking yet, but I’m getting there. Work’s been kind of getting in the way of getting everything finished.”
“How is work going?” he asked, sitting up to face you, “It’s not stressing you, is it? Are you sleeping properly? Eating properly? You know you can’t skip meals, Y/N. You need to keep your strength up or I’ll worry about you. How do you think I’ll feel if you end up in the hospital? I-”
“Jeonghan.” The man stopped rambling when you held his face fast, eyes locked with yours.
You made sure you had his full attention, your thumbs stroking his cheek, before saying gently, “I’m fine, babe. I promise. I’m eating. I’m sleeping. I’m taking care of myself. You don’t need to worry so much about me.”
A smile lit up your face and Jeonghan smiled back, resting his hands on your wrists until they were settled on his shoulders. His arms found their way around your waist, tugging you forward until you’re flush against him.
“It doesn’t mean that I won’t,” he said, kissing your forehead, “It’s my job to worry about you. It’s what happens when you love someone, so you’ll have to get used to it eventually.”
You could relate, recounting the days and nights you spent worrying over him and whether or not he was taking proper care of himself while promoting. That had always been in your nature to concern yourself with the welfare of others; you were still trying to get accustomed to having someone fret over you in return.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get used to someone so genuine caring about me,” you retorted, squirming when Jeonghan buried his nose in your neck, soft lips grazing your skin.
“Good thing we’ll have a long time to try.”
You squealed as his teeth sank into your neck, struggling to wiggle out of his hold, but finding yourself thrown down on the couch with Jeonghan seeking your lips. A full five minutes passed with you locked in a lazy kiss until you heard the doorbell ring.
“Mmm…I think the food’s finally here,” he muttered against your reddened lips.
“Yeah…I think so, too. We should probably go answer the door,” you breathed back, receiving one last peck before Jeonghan was lifting off of you.
You jumped up from the couch and rounded to the kitchen where you had placed the money and tip for the delivery. Jeonghan chased after you again, tickling your sides and squeezing your lovehandles to the sound of your resistance. He followed you down the entry hall to the door, neither one of you checking the camera and Jeonghan carelessly flinging the door open.
He took one look at the person on the other side and froze, his face paling. Chan felt rooted to the spot himself, his eyes wide and his mouth dropped open behind his mask. You hardly noticed the shift in the atmosphere, more concerned that he didn’t have your food.
“You’re not the delivery boy, are you?” you sighed, your hand on your hip, exposing more of your near-naked body.
Your voice snapped Jeonghan out of his shock, the man pushing you behind him and slamming the door in Chan’s face. That was what jolted the younger out of his own stupor.
“H-Hey! Hyung! Jeonghan Hyung! That’s you, isn’t it?! Hyung!” he shouted, banging on the door.
You stared at Jeonghan as he looked back at you, your heart starting to beat a million miles a minute as dread crept in. “Jeonghan…who is that?” you asked him, hoping against hope it wasn’t one of his group members.
“…Chan,” he answered, flinching when the banging became more insistent.
Your mouth fell open and your eyes fluttered, a cold sweat breaking over you, “Ch-Chan? The Chan? The Maknae?!”
Jeonghan nodded his head and you suddenly felt very, very naked. “Oh my god! It’s Chan! He’s here! He’s here and he saw me naked! AH!”
Wrapping Jeonghan’s hoodie tighter around your body, you sprinted through the apartment and into your bedroom, shutting the door with a slam. Jeonghan was left by himself and his persistent youngest member. He briefly entertained the idea of just ignoring him until he went away…then he remembered that it was Chan and he was not just going to go away.
He inhaled and shook the nerves off before opening the door once more. Chan forced himself past him and into the entryway while he still had the chance, pulling his mask down and taking off his hat. “Hyung, what’s going on? What are you doing here? Who was that girl I saw? And why was she practically naked?!”
“You don’t have to keep shouting, Chan!”
The youngest took several deep breaths to calm his nerves, though it didn’t seem to help much. He locked his gaze with Jeonghan’s. “Jeonghan-hyung, what’s going on? I thought you said you were visiting a grandmother. That was not a grandmother!”
How likely were the chances of Chan believing him if Jeonghan told him that you were the granddaughter of this ‘grandmother’ he was supposed to be visiting? Jeonghan stared at the younger, at his wide eyes that dared him to try and lie.
So…the chances were pretty slim, to say the least.
Jeonghan saw you creeping back around the corner, fully dressed in shorts and a t-shirt, looking appropriately embarrassed. Finally, after what felt like hours of silence, he sighed and without breaking his gaze from you, he said, “That’s Y/N. She’s my girlfriend.”
“G-Girlfriend?” Chan choked while you dipped your head, “For how long?”
“A year.”
“A year?!” Now he looked about ready to combust.
You grew a little worried, “He’s not going to faint, is he?”
Chan whipped around at your voice, pointing at you, “You’ve been dating my hyung for a year?!”
“Uuuuuhhhhh….”
“How have-? What?! How have you-? For a year?! A whole year?!”
What else could you or Jeonghan say? A nervous silence fell over the three of you; Chan’s brain practically fried and you and Jeonghan trying to decide if an ambulance needed to be called.
A hesitant knock on the open door disturbed the tension followed by an uncertain voice saying, “Um…delivery?”
*~*~*~*~*
Chan was eventually able to calm down enough to allow himself to be lead into the living room where he was sat down and given some of the takeout. While he mechanically partook in the meal, you and Jeonghan were convening in the kitchen, speaking in hushed whispers while you made tea.
“How’s he looking?” you asked from your hiding place near the sink in the corner, Jeonghan leaning back to peek into the living room.
“His eyes aren’t bulging out of their sockets anymore. That’s progress,” he answered, straightening up.
You folded your arms and leaned against the counter, a frown pulling at the corners of your lips, “What’s he even doing here? How did he find my apartment?”
Jeonghan poked your cheeks, pouting, “It’s not good to frown so much, Y/N. You’ll start to wrinkle early.”
You stared him down, his pout deepening, but his hands falling away obediently, “He got a hold of the paper I wrote the apartment name and number on. He must’ve just looked it up. As for why he went around looking in the first place, I don’t know. I think he was suspicious of me. He was asking me a lot of questions this morning and being really insistent on coming with me.”
“Figures,” you sighed, turning to take the teapot off the fire when it started to whistle, “Poor kid. He got an eyeful, that’s for sure.”
“Speaking of which, new rule: you’re not allowed to answer the door unless you’re fully clothed! The only time you should be half naked and seductive is if I’m coming over.”
An eye-roll met his protest, “I wasn’t trying to be seductive.”
“You never have to try. You’re full seduction all the time,” Jeonghan said, his pout remaining stationary, “I’m already worried about introducing you to the guys one day and having them vying for your attention. I don’t need the added competition of every delivery boy or male neighbor that comes by.”
You giggled and stepped over to him, draping your arms around his neck and fluttering your lashes at him, “You’re crazy if you think anyone can even come close to you.”
That appeased him instantly, but Jeonghan wasn’t one to pass on an opportunity to have you stroke his ego, “You say that now, but what happens if you meet Seungcheol? Or Joshua? Or even Jun?”
“What’s gonna happen is that I’m going to gush about how perfect you are for me and how absolutely in love I am with you. Besides, I doubt any of the other boys would have chased me for as long as you did just for a first date.” You smiled and pecked his lips softly, feeling his arms wrap around your middle, “I’m yours and no one is going to change that.”
Jeonghan hummed and kissed you again, slowly. When you parted, he smiled proudly at you and said, “You still have to be fully clothed when answering the door.”
“Ugh! You’re impossible!” You pulled away from him and prepared the tea, batting his hands when he tried to slide them onto your waist again, “No more fooling around! We need to make sure your bandmate isn’t broken beyond repair.”
“Yes, Jagi,” he drawled, yielding to your wishes.
You shot him a look, to which he just chuckled, before picking up the tray of tea. Just as you were about to exit the kitchen, Jeonghan touched your elbow and you turned your attention to him. His expression confused you- the hesitation that played over his features when he was so happy and optimistic just a moment ago.
“Listen, Y/N…I know you weren’t exactly ready to meet anyone else from Seventeen yet and I know it’s sudden that it’s happening like this. I’m sorry that it ended up being this way.”  
Your face softened and a smile played on your lips. This had been a topic of discussion with Jeonghan several times: meeting all of Seventeen one day. He had been ready to introduce you three months into your official relationship, but you had been resistant. You wanted to keep him to yourself for a while, to explore the ins and outs of your blooming relationship. No friends or fans or even family getting in the way. You just wanted to enjoy him all to yourself for a while.
But you knew that even that would eventually come to an end…and it wasn’t as terrifying a thought as you originally believed. Maybe…Maybe you were more ready than you originally thought.
“You don’t need to apologize, Jeonghan. It was going to happen eventually, me meeting the others. This might not have been the best way for me to meet Chan, but it is what it is. At least we got the ball rolling. One down. Eleven more to go.”
You winked at him and then turned with the tray to go into the living room, Jeonghan hanging back for a bit just to watch you. He watched Chan look up as you approached, shooting to his feet and bowing fervently while apologies spilled from his lips for barging into your apartment. Like the sweetheart Jeonghan knew you to be, underneath your playful teasing that mirrored his own, you just smiled at Chan and waved it off, telling him that all was forgiven.
It took you only a couple of minutes to make the youngest feel right at home, a relieved smile settling on Chan’s face as he accepted the cup of tea you poured for him. Soon, you two were talking and giggling with one another as if you’ve always been friends, Chan hanging on to your every word. Jeonghan had a feeling that the other guys would react the same way to you: comfortable and happy. You just had that effect on people.
Watching you with Chan, Jeonghan wasn’t worried in the least about you meeting the others. It would go flawlessly, he was sure of it.
He just had to make sure that you were both prepared for it next time…and that you were fully dressed.
One down. Eleven more to go.
“Yah! Chan, why are you even here disturbing my day with my Y/N?!”
“Hyung, you were acting really weird!”
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transmanfitness · 7 years ago
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How to get fit.
Oh god, how I wish it was simple. How I wish there was a guide. How I wish diet programs worked like a charm. 
Fact is, they do, and here’s why:
They all detail the same things: Eat clean. Drink water. Exercise. Now, you might be thinking, Jack, dude, c’mon, don’t fall for it, they’re liars, and yeah, a lot of them are. You’re not going to drop ten, fifteen pounds in a night and if you do you’re very, very unhealthy and I’m SO fucking jealous. 
Ahem.
Sorry. My point is, is they all do work, to some degree. It just might not be right for you. Below I’m going to detail how it is you lose weight “quickly,” (As in a matter of months,) without diuretics (except natural ones), without purging, and without hurting yourself in general. 
Here we go.
How do I get fit?
Like I said above, diet programs have a point. 
These points are as follows:
1. Eat clean. 
This means that if it didn’t come from the earth, don’t put it in your mouth. No processed sugars, no processed anything.
2. Fats are good.
I know, I know, you just had a mini heart attack and you’re about to scroll past this post. But please, hear me out first. I’m not talking twinkie fats, I’m talking avocados, marbled meat, the like. Your body needs healthy fats to function. Otherwise it’ll start freaking out and putting on the pounds. This doesn’t mean go stock up at the supermarket on anything and everything fatty, this just means make sure you have a little bit of healthy fat on your plate.
What is healthy fat? Glad you asked. Here’s a list.
Healthy Fats:
Avocados 
Nuts and nut/seed butters, like peanut butter and almond butter
Olives/extra virgin olive oil
Flaxseed/Chia seeds
Fish, like salmon and tuna
Dark chocolate 
Eggs
Coconut
Healthy fats that you should eat/drink sparingly:
Whole milk
Grass-fed meat
Bacon
Full fat greek yogurt
Cheese
Whole butter (So no margarine.)
I’m sure I’m missing some, but, that’s about all I could find. I’ll list unhealthy fats another time.
3. Exercise 
We’ve all heard this one. Now, I’m not saying go out and get a gym membership, I’m just advising that you make sure you get your blood pumping at least once a day. And it doesn’t just have to be running or lifting weights, it can be stuff like:
Turn up the music
Dance to those tunes! Shake that moneymaker! Get up and down with your bad self!
Walk it out
Even just a simple trip around the block can and will suffice. 
Take a hike
Explore your nearby woods. Hit the trails. Bring a friend with and chat while you go- you’ll never even notice you’re burning calories. 
Geocache
Don’t know what this is? To quote Mr. T, I pity the fool. Geocaching is basically a treasure hunt for the everyday consumer, and there are millions of drops in your neighborhood alone. Look it up, my friend. 
Have more (safe) sex 
Like, lots more. Sweaty and fun? Hell yeah! 
Clean 
But, you know, on your terms. It sucks if you’re being made to do it, but if you’re cleaning because you want to, especially with some tunes in the background, it can be a blast.
Bike around
That’s right, time to break out the ol’ two wheeler. How much fun is biking? I mean, seriously? And if you don’t have one, you can pick up one for about twenty bucks on Craigslist. 
4. Eat spicy
If you’re like me, you love it. You need it. You cherish it. I’m talking about the almighty pepper. 
Then again I’m kinda weird, so, if you’re a normal person that doesn’t chug hot sauce straight from the bottle, I’d suggest starting with paprika or black pepper and working your way up from there.
5. Drink lots of water
Just, not, y’know, eight frickin’ cups of the stuff. Not only is this unhealthy, you don’t need that much. Just keep hydrated throughout the day. Buy a water bottle and sip off of it. And always remember, your body is your best tell. If you’re thirsty, drink water. 
6. Ignore all the hype about vitamins
Believe it or not, you don’t need vitamins! That is, unless you have a health condition like anemia, or other such ailment, you don’t need to be downing supplements. As long as you’re eating clean, you’re probably getting all, if not more of the vitamins than you need. You’re more likely to piss them out if you add anything else to the mix.
7. If you have a health condition, mental or physical, take your medicine! 
I can’t stress this enough. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m as stubborn as you. I hate taking pills, but, if you need them, take them. Part of being healthy is being sound of mind and body, and the only way you’re going to get there if you’re not well is to take your medicine. If you don’t feel like your medicine is working, talk to your doctor.
8. Visit with a therapist
Everyone needs one, even you, and as I stated above, the only way to get healthy is to be sound of body AND mind. If you don’t have insurance, there are free ways to get therapy, like through BLAHtherapy and such. 
9. Try HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training)
This is a workout based around doing as much as possible in the shortest amount of time. 
And for now, that’s all. I’ll post a part two if I think of anything else. 
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shame-on-nyall · 7 years ago
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hot milky last chapter pt 1/??
Here is the first part of the “last” chapter of Hot Milky. If all goes well, I will finish Sunday, but if not, I will get close! It’s pretty long and full of excessive drama, so sorry in advance to mobile users and or drama haters.
2,912 words
interlude part 1
interlude part 2
Watching his brother and the Omnic monk depart for their morning meditation, Hanzo slid one hand into his kimono and took out the medicine bottle Genji stashed there, turning it over pensively before locking it away into his weapons case.  It was a miracle that the back alley doctor who supplied him with the pills managed to get the bottle packed into his parcel of clothes just in time to be picked up with the morning mail by Lena.  It was, however, unfortunate that Zenyatta had seen the bottle Genji dropped, but at least there was no lettering on the label to read.  If Angela ever decided to investigate, Hanzo had his story.  Sooner or later, she would, so he must be vigilant and ready to field her questions.
Hanzo glanced at the cooling and surely indigestible breakfast tray Genji and Zenyatta had offered him still teetering on the edge of the table and had to sigh.  Even as he sat down and nibbled at what he assumed was a fat-encapsulated crumble of pork sausage mixed with egg and potato and who knows what else and managed to swallow the lump without gagging, he recalled Genji’s recent haphazard actions that had culminated in this morning’s yogurt incident, his own confused reactions ever since he arrived here.  It had become obvious that Genji was losing what little sense he had left, so caught up with the fact that his brother had actually joined them to pay much attention to reality; namely, the fact that he was a cyborg now, not their father’s favored sparrow any longer. Because of Hanzo’s presence at the base reminding him of his past, because he ended up spoiling Genji anyway despite his best intentions.  It was a sign.  He was not meant to be here among this motley assortment of characters with whom Genji chose to throw in his lot.  He had to leave Overwatch, for everyone’s peace of mind.
In sober thought, Hanzo finished grazing over the contents of the breakfast, sipping some of the cooled barley tea included instead of his usual morning serving of sake.  The prospect of meditating with Genji and Zenyatta did not appeal to him at this time, neither did associating with anyone else on base, regardless if they were happy to see him healthy (or at least his left pectoral) or if they still kept their guard up around him.  Genji’s assurance that the team missed his presence and cared about him despite some initial distrust rang overly optimistic, as hollow as he believed McCree’s infatuation to be.  His younger brother had made mistakes before, Hanzo had years of experience covering for him, but on this matter he really wanted to believe Genji.  Hanzo could not deny that he was just tired of running.  He wanted to belong somewhere and live for a purpose once more.  He needed to be with Genji more than anything.
The only question… did Genji need to be with him?
The peaceful slumber of the night, the sweet fragments of dreams Hanzo chased upon awakening, all of that had cleared like mist under a late summer morning sun.  The freshness of the early hours no longer brought him the same joy as they did in his youth, when he looked forward to completing the tasks of the day.  Now Hanzo associated morning with ever-increasing stress, a cyclical countdown of minutes until the oblivion of either sleep or his next bottle of sake.
Since his mind could give him no comfort, he decided it would be better to keep his body occupied, attempt to keep his archery skills in peak condition so that he could provide defense for his brother and teammates as promised.  (Or to facilitate his escape from Watchpoint if the situation should arise.)  He had missed training all of yesterday after all.  Grimly, Hanzo threw on his newly acquired jacket over his customary gi and hakama, gathered Stormbow and its quiver, and set out for the training area. For a second, Hanzo wondered how McCree was doing, since the two of them had abandoned him there with smashed kneecaps last night, but he figured if anything serious happened to McCree afterwards, Genji would have told him.  Since he was McCree’s friend supposedly and had said he would talk to him… If he remembered, to anyway.  
Well, that was no longer his problem…
A scowl lingering on his face, Hanzo turned the corner past the sliding doors and scaled the wall to the nearest observation tower.  His ears detected conversation in the target range, the bass beat of Lucio’s music, and seeking refuge from unnecessary chatter, he contented himself with silently unleashing arrow after arrow on the moving dummies patrolling the skywalks and stairwells far above.  
At last his curiosity won out, and Hanzo crept to the ledge overlooking one of the target ranges below. McCree was indeed there, unerringly unloading a round of bullets into a group of darting practice droids, only the slightest of stiffness in his steps as evidence of the scuffle last night. There was Lucio gliding across the walls behind the range to the rhythm of his speakers, adding turns and jumps to increase the area he could cover.  Hanzo knew he had sensed a third presence earlier, and soon enough his hearing picked up the dull clang of heavy weights against a sturdy rack, before Zarya herself could be glimpsed leaving the weight room for the showers.
Satisfied with his assessment, Hanzo went back to his own practice, this time with an added twist. Nocking an arrow to Stormbow, he took a breath and released, watching the arrow strike the dummy McCree was aiming at just a fraction of a second before Peacemaker’s bullet hit home. Almost shocked to the point of losing his hat, McCree swore and glanced up around him at the walls and ledges and walkways, trying to pinpoint Hanzo’s location.  Hanzo had of course long vanished from their view.  From on top of a ledge that could only be easily accessed by Fareeha and Genji and the like, Hanzo leaned out and fired through a narrow aperture at the reassembling target droid.
“Dangit, Hanzo, you tryna be faster than a bullet, too?!” McCree called out, disgruntled yet duly impressed. “Genji kept doing stunts like that, near got himself killed a few more times back then!” Jamming his hat back onto his hair, McCree grumbled, “Already got my hands full with the Junkers, I don’t need to be baby-sitting off-the-chain ninjas, too.”
With a snort of amusement, Hanzo quickly dropped to the ground level by McCree’s side.  “I only want to keep my skills intact.  I have no intention of getting injured.”  Not like Genji, it seemed.
“I’ll testify to anyone who asks that you’re as sharp as ever,” McCree told him, holstering his gun.
The cowboy thankfully kept a professional attitude, his usual lovesick pining dialed back quite a bit to Hanzo’s surprise, although not entirely absent.  On the other hand, he thought there may have been another reason for McCree’s change in demeanor.  Hanzo gave him a calculating look, saying matter-of-factly, “Interesting, I notice you are able to walk without the use of crutches today, McCree.”
McCree gave a little heh at that.  “It just so happened Angela and Winston happen to be up and about last night, and the doc got me fixed up in the infirmary right quick.”  No thanks to you two, was the unspoken addition.
“My apologies,” Hanzo murmured in a cool tone.  “I did not mean to have added to the list of the doctor’s responsibilities.  I was later told she had had a busy evening.”
“…And… You’re also sorry to have smashed my kneecaps with my gun that you then stole and left me out in the cold without getting help, ain’tcha, Hanzo?” McCree prompted hopefully, having sworn off pursuing the elder Shimada in a romantic manner but apparently still determined to put him on a pedestal, however shaky.
“Oh, that.”  Hanzo dusted an imaginary speck of dust off his shoulder and said, “You keep mentioning you had been Blackwatch’s finest agent, Reye’s right-hand man.  Since you did not lift a hand against us, I assumed you had everything under control.  Am I not correct, gunslinger?”
Sweating (figurative) bullets at this unflatteringly accurate depiction, McCree tugged the brim of his hat over his eyes.  “We-ell, you two looked like you were having a grand old time, so of course I didn’t want to interrupt,” he replied sheepishly.  “Which I could have, at any moment, if I wanted to.  But just for the future, maybe don’t rough up a fellow so much? None of us are supposed to be in organized crime anymore, in case you forgot.”
“I will see what I can do.”
Lucio had glided over to them at this point, listening to the conversation with an adorably puzzled frown on his face.  “Hey now, this doesn’t add up, why were you smashing McCree’s kneecaps in, Hanzo? I was pretty sure Hana told meeeeee…”
“She told you nothing, because I bought her silence,” Hanzo interrupted abruptly, “so you are pretty sure of nothing.”
“Uhh…” Glancing up at Hanzo’s stormy expression, Lucio nodded, flashing a bright grin.  “Right, so what was I saying again?  Totally can’t remember!”
“Good, let’s keep it that way,” Hanzo muttered, while McCree shook his head and sighed.
“Now, now, we’re all just trying to get to know each other here, become good friends, see, so we can be better teammates and the best heroes Overwatch can ask for,” McCree said loudly to reassure any listeners in the vicinity that no one had slid back into old habits best left redacted in their official files.
“Of course,” Hanzo agreed, in the tone of someone who had never purposefully done anything to become a good friend in his entire life, much less a teammate or hero.  “Which reminds me, Lucio,” he began, returning his attention to someone slightly less irritating, “I had been meaning to thank you earlier for the music player you gifted me the other day.”
“Y-you liked my music?!” Lucio squawked.
Choosing his words carefully, Hanzo said, “The songs I listened to were very… upbeat.  With a… positive atmosphere.”
Lucio seemed equally shocked and delighted by Hanzo’s acknowledgement, and he stuttered out uncharacteristically, “W-wow, I mean, if you ever want a change of pace, I can put together another mix, it’d be no problem!  I got a few tracks I’ve been working on I know you’d dig.”
“There is no rush, Lucio,” Hanzo replied, somewhat regretting initiating further interaction but doing his best out of respect to a capable healer whose skills would definitely be needed to keep Genji alive once he left.  Fortunately, Lucio had the faraway look of inspiration lighting up his eyes.  In a moment, he excused himself and skated off to get those melodies out of his head and into the world of sound.  
“Aww, you’re not so cold after all!” McCree said with a pleased grin, about to slap Hanzo on the back but pulled back just in time to save the use of his hand.  “Guess Genji was right, you’ve made some progress adjusting here.  Now why won’t you ever let him in on that instead of being a grump all the time?”
Hanzo was about to nod, but something made him pause.  Unease, a frisson of disturbance that could be felt through the dragon of ink tattooed on his skin all the way into his bones.  A warning he must heed.
“I know what you’re up to, McCree.”  Ever so carefully, he said, “I respect you as Genji’s comrade.  But your particular skills are not reserved just for heroics. You are a mercenary, and I will not let my guard down, for all of your silly outfits and foolish rambling.”
McCree frowned, looking genuinely confused.  “Now how do you figure that?”
“Simple.  You are always armed when you are around me.  Not so around Genji.”  The implication should have been clear; Hanzo believed McCree tagging along after him was not in hopes of quenching a junker-induced dry spell. (Although that could still account for a good 30%; he was not so modest.)
“Well, well, well.” McCree shrugged, eyes downcast, but not before an ominous flash of red light winked out under the shadow of his hat.  “For someone as clever as you to tell me that, you must think you got a royal flush in your hand.”
Hanzo hesitated, very much aware that they were more or less alone in the furthest target range from the central living quarters and meeting rooms.  All he had was a partial bluff against a man who Genji, of all people, swore was a master at playing cards.  Hanzo was only guessing based on what Zenyatta had told him, bits and pieces from the files he had scanned through before arriving at Watchpoint proper, what little Genji had revealed about his past in Overwatch, but McCree’s unusually restrained reaction seemed to confirm the gist of his theory.  “What you just said about being teammates and comrades, becoming heroes, I am only saying that I find it hard to believe,” he stated calmly, honestly.  “It is true that I want to become used to this place, that becoming friends even with you is something I would not reject.  But know that I am here to fight for Genji.  He is my priority, and as long as you stay true to him, I will not turn on you.  As long as you give me no reason to distrust you.  Because my brother may have forgiven all of you involved with his creation, but I will not forget how you stole him and experimented on him…”
To his surprise, McCree laughed aloud, shaking his head in disbelief.  “You got the wrong guy, partner,” he said.  “Technically, I did nothing.  Now Reyes and I, we did our best to include Genji in Blackwatch, get him back on his feet after his rehab.  But others above us made the decision to retrieve his body and turn him into a cyborg in the first place.”
“…Blackwatch?  You mean Overwatch.”  Hanzo narrowed his eyes, thrown off balance by McCree’s interruption.  That feeling of freefall, struggling for a handhold while the ground gave way below his feet.  The sensation of unease only grew, a tidal wave pulling the very air from his lungs.
“Yeah, Blackwatch was part of Overwatch, but Genji and I worked under Reyes directly.  Bit of a difference there.”
“No.  Genji showed me a photo of the team… his clothing had the Overwatch emblem, not Blackwatch’s…”
“Oh God, the one time we got him to wear clothes?”  McCree chuckled again, and Hanzo gritted his teeth at the too-casual sound.  “That was much later.  Genji musta been in Blackwatch with me for four years or so. He’d been taking down the Shimada clan and operations in East Asia while the medical team completed his cyberization process.  I think Genji didn’t get on Overwatch’s official payroll until his final upgrades were done.  But soon after that, he left the organization.”
“No…” Hanzo repeated, more uncertainly this time.  Genji had never said anything about how long it took to build his cyborg body, what specifically he had to do as compensation for their investment. But Hanzo never pressed for details.  He had not thoroughly considered the implication of Overwatch, or Blackwatch in this case, spiriting away a scion of the very empire they were trying to bring down. But he should have…  That was what happened with McCree and Deadlock Gang, was it not?  “Genji would have mentioned that.”
“Hey, I got nothing to gain by lying to you, Hanzo,” McCree said quietly, his hands palms up in a reassuring gesture.  “You can ask Genji yourself.  He was in Blackwatch with me.”
Hanzo rubbed at his forehead, suddenly wishing for alcohol and the oblivion of sleep.  He had been meaning to make his intentions clear to McCree, and thus the former members of Overwatch, to assure them that he would participate in their missions as long as Genji was protected.  That keeping track of him was of little use, unproductive and a waste of their resources.
But if Overwatch back then had forced Genji’s involvement with Blackwatch, if they had required his cooperation in exchange for completion of his cyborg body...  There was his fear, resurfacing into the light once more. They could still be trapped, movements tracked and bodies claimed by an organization working outside of government and law.
Just like when we were boys, Hanzo thought in grim despair, clutching at his hair.  Hysterical.  He wanted to laugh, but could not even summon a noise.
He felt, rather than saw or heard, McCree’s presence envelop him, warm and bittersweet.  Blind and deaf, he struggled against the hope and comfort and security he had forsaken, fled instead for the miserable irresistible uncertainty that made up the world he shared with his brother.
  Genji took a breath and exhaled long and slow, the way he used to, the way he no longer needed to. He glanced towards the warren that made up Watchpoint, but his brother never appeared at the courtyard entrance.
“I don’t think Hanzo is going to join us after all, Master,” he murmured.
At his side, Zenyatta watched a duo of autumn butterflies drift silently away into the breeze.  “No.  Not yet, my student.”
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agoodflyting · 7 years ago
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Cleanup in Aisle Five - Kylux, housewife!au
Another bit of housewife!AU. I’m still deciding if I want to post this on AO3 as-is or continue it, so I’ll leave it here in the meantime.
2100 words / light M / kylux modern AU
Hux always feels like a prey animal at the grocery store.
He pauses in picking through a colorful display of starfruit and papayas to do a casual scan of the produce section. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Richard Attenborough is narrating.
The male uses his superior height to evade detection by the females of the species while foraging.
Adding a couple of mangoes to the hand basket at his elbow, he snorts quietly to himself.
It wasn’t that he was antisocial. He generally liked being around people, especially when he could be in charge of group activities. But something seemed to happen to women his age who had moved to a rich suburb and produced the obligatory 2.5 children. It came with the territory, like one of those awful minivans with the televisions in them, or an affinity for kale smoothies. They would corner him with effusively friendly offers; invitations to play tennis, to join book club, to go shopping -  help me pick out a swim suit, you always have such good taste- or to come over for girls night.
We’re going to watch Magic Mike, Susan’s bringing the wine so we might get a little crazy, and I’m making these cute little fat free chocolate rice balls I saw on pinterest-
Meanwhile, Hux couldn’t escape the feeling that he was being hunted and bagged and mounted for display- the rare and elusive gay best friend to complete the appearance of the picture-perfect life for some aging California housewife.
That was better than the alternative, of course- that they were just being friendly because he was one of them. The thought makes him feel cold in a way that has nothing to do with the chilly air in the produce section.
Hux suddenly wishes that he could text Ben. Just a little hello. He was running errands with his mother today, but even just a little hi back had the power to make him smile, despite the fact that Ben couldn’t spell for shit and he put those stupid emoji things in everything.
Much as he wants it, Hux isn’t a complete idiot. His iPhone is in his husband’s name, it would be far too easy for Devon to have those records pulled if he ever found out about Ben. Phone records were easier to brush off so long as they weren’t excessive, but any contact he has with Ben through text needed to be strictly professional.
He completes his circuit of the grocery store, grabbing coconut milk and whole-grain cereal for himself, and grinding coffee for Devon. Bread and yogurt. Multivitamins and that fancy pineapple juice they both liked. Devon’s flight was supposed to come in at 7:45 that night, so he supposes he’ll need to make something for a proper dinner, although after staring blankly at a wall of organic dried pasta for several minutes without seeing it, he finally just decides fuck it, they can order Chinese.
When he heads for the checkout, he passes a little display of cheap pre-paid phones. The kind you activate by calling an 800-number and pay by the minute. He’s used them before, doing security.
He’s in line at the register, his mind half-blank, when the sound of his first name startles him out of his sulk.
“Hello, Armitage.”
“Senator Organa,” he says, turning. “How are you?”
“Good, mainly because I haven’t been a senator for three years. Unless there was an election no one told me about.”
A smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. “There was, actually. Last week. You didn’t hear?”
“I must have missed it. Well, damn,” she says lightly. “I guess I have to go get my hair done.”
Hux has always respected his neighbor for her sharp wit and brash attitude, even if they found themselves frequently, vocally, at odds during her stint as head of the homeowner’s association. More than once, Hux had considered staging a coup.
“How’s Devon?” Leia asks, as she reaches past him to begin unloading her hand-basket onto the conveyor belt. “I haven’t seen him around lately.”
Another reason he liked Leia Organa. She was the only woman in their neighborhood who had never once patted him on the arm and giggled about what a ‘waste’ of a good man he was.
“In and out of Chicago supervising some corporate merger business. I haven’t been kept in the loop on the details,” he says, trying for uncaring and only barely missing.
She huffs a laugh. “That sounds familiar. It’s the secret of a long marriage, you know,” she adds.
“What, ignorance?”
“No. ...well, okay, that seems to work for some people, but not our type.”
There is something flattering in being lumped as the same ‘type’ as a woman like Leia Organa, but he cannot quite encapsulate what. Still, it makes him smile.
“I meant travel,” she continues easily as Hux moves up in line. “It’s much easier to miss some people than to live with them. The only reason my marriage has survived as long as it has is because we’re only in the same state two months out of the year. We’ve learned how to leave right when the other one is getting irritating.”
“And when is that?”
“About ten minutes after he opens his mouth, in my case,” she says, but there’s a fondness in her voice that belies the words.
“A whole ten minutes?”
“Used to be five. I’m getting soft on him.”
Having gotten him to laugh, she gives a satisfied pat to Hux’s elbow, the one still holding the grocery basket. “There. There’s your motherly advice for the day.”
“Thank you, I’ll keep it in mind. It’s not often I get good advice, motherly or otherwise.”
He moves up to the front of the line and waits with muted impatience, his card already in the pin reader and waiting for cashier authorization while the boy scans.
“Mom-” Hux turns.
“There you are, I was starting to think you’d gotten lost,” Leia says.
“They only had the twenty-four packs, so I just got two. Is that okay?” Ben edges his way around the  people who have lined up being Leia. He’s easily holding two large cases of artisanal bottled water stacked on top of each in his long arms. “Sorry, excuse me-” The plastic containers creak in his grip.
“That’s fine, thank you baby. Watch out, don’t hit anybody-”
“Hello, Ben,” Hux says, looking at the chip machine and focusing on punching in his pin to keep the unseemly smile off his face.
The last time he’d seen Ben had been yesterday evening. Lying beside Hux’s pool had turned to skinny-dipping once the sun had gone down. His hands remember the feel of Ben’s bare skin under the water, the delicious heat of his cock pressing eagerly up between Hux’s thighs. Kisses that tasted like chlorine. Stroking each other off under the water.
When it got late, Hux hadn’t wanted to let him go. Had dragged him down on the couch as he tried to leave through the front door and blown him again, swallowing down Ben’s cock and his needy little whimpers like he was starving for them.
“Oh, hey, uh- mister Hux.” From the sound of it, Ben’s doing his best not to smile too.
And just like that, the tension that had knotted in Hux’s chest evaporates.
He steps out of the way with his shopping bag, hovering at the end of the lane while Ben hefts up the water to be scanned, the muscles in his arms and back moving easily under the fabric of his black t-shirt. Leia had forced him into clean, nice-fitting jeans and a knotted belt that Hux can just see peeking up under the shirt when Hux’s eyes are pulled down the sharp line of his body. When he lifts the water, Hux catches a flash of one angular hipbone where his jeans ride low even with the belt.
“Do you want a hand, Ben?” he asks, his tone innocent. He waits until the tips of Ben’s ears flush pink before he adds, nodding, “With the water.”
“I’m- it’s good, I’ve got it,” Ben stammers, shifting the weight. Hux is reminded suddenly of those broad hands under his thighs, lifting him up, and-
Christ, he’s got to get a hold of himself. He’s in fucking public.
Ben casts shy, appreciative little glances at Hux out of the corner of his eye while Leia pays, whenever he thinks she can’t see him. In the watery sunlight through the front windows of the shop, his eyes are a warm honeyed brown.
“So, uh- grocery shopping?” Ben says. Hux can almost see the moment he realizes what a silly line that was.
“Just a few essentials. I’ve been preoccupied lately, haven’t gotten to the store as much as usual.”
“Yeah? That’s not like you.” They are both trying not to smile. “What are you so preoccupied with?”
If they were alone, Hux would lean in close and say, your cock just to watch the way Ben stammered and blushed. It’s all he wants to do. But they’re not alone, they’re in the middle of fucking Whole Foods and Ben’s mother is five feet away, so he blurts out, “Work,” instead, and has enough time to feel stupid- this boy is actually making him stupid- before he can cover his embarrassment.
“It’s very nice of you, helping your poor mother around like this.”
“I can’t tell if that’s a crack about my height or my age,” Leia interrupts, raising an eyebrow as she joins them. putting away her pocketbook.
“I would never,” Hux insists, the picture of innocence, glad to have something to focus on besides how Ben is standing beside him and Hux can feel the warmth of Ben’s bare arm through his own sleeve. “Insult your height or your age. What kind of man do you think I am?”
“Just my intelligence, then? And I thought you were the kind who calls me an ‘aesthetically bankrupt bleeding-heart hypocrite’ because I approved the Becketts satellite dish?”
He follows them outside, blinking in the afternoon sun.
“That was friendly professional rivalry, nothing more.”
“Professional rivalry implies you’re on the homeowners board. You’re not.”
Hux shuts his mouth, bested.  
“Aand I think that’s mom: one, Hux: zero,” Ben smirks as they approach Leia’s sensible black sedan in the parking lot. Hux shoots him a look that plainly says, traitor.
“Oh, it’s a lot more than one, honey,” Leia pats Ben on the arm.
“The thing’s still a damn eyesore,” he calls after Leia, with no real venom, when she climbs in the driver’s seat, leaving Ben to wrestle their groceries into the trunk.
“You’re still not on the board.” she calls back before shutting the door.
“You shut up,” Hux says to Ben, who had started to snicker.
“What? It’s funny.”
“My complete assassination by your mother isn’t funny.”
“Yeah it is.” He’s smiling, leaning one hip on the trunk of the car, and Hux has the worst urge to kiss it off the corner of his mouth. “You guys both like to argue way too much. It’s funny.”
“I don’t like to argue.”
“See? That’s- you’re doing it right now.”
“Am not,” Hux says, just to make him duck his head and laugh. 
He swallows and looks away, sun-blinded by Ben’s smile. “Come over later,” he murmurs, glancing to see if Leia is paying any attention to them, comforted that they are mostly blocked by the open trunk of the car.
It was only twelve-thirty. Devon’s flight wouldn’t be in until nearly eight.
He’s never been an addict. His father drank, his mother smoked, but nothing has ever stuck to him that way. The lack of something has never made him desperate, not unless it was recognition and even that was more out of spite than desire. But every time he tells himself it’s going to his last with Ben, something in him scrabbles, frantic to eke out just a little more.
Ben swallows. “I can’t.” His eyes are on Hux’s neck, his shoulders. He sighs, a loud frustrated rush of air, “My parents are- they have shit for me to do all day. I have to clean out the stupid garage.”
Something uncomfortably like disappointment blossoms in Hux’s chest. He hates it even more because every inch of him knows that what he’s asking is stupid and pathetic- neither terms he’s ever wanted to associate with himself. “That’s alright.”
And because he is spiteful in his disappointment, he pitches his voice to a low murmur and adds, “I’ll just have to keep myself busy.”
The barb hits home. Ben bits his lip, clearly picturing Hux panting into the pillow as he fucks himself with his largest toy, Ben’s name on his lip, which of course had been Hux’s intention.
“Hux...”
The car horn honks and they both jump, suddenly aware that they’re lingering.
“I gotta go,” Ben, unhappiness in every word, and it’s almost enough to take the sting off of Hux’s disappointment. He shuts the trunk.
Hidden by the bulk of the car, Ben runs his hand- just the backs of two fingers, over Hux’s arm. The touch is like sunlight, soft and a little warm on his skin. Ben tangles their fingers together briefly as their hands part. “See you later though, okay? Tomorrow?”
He doesn’t move, unwilling to budge until Hux responds and for the first time, Hux hates this. Leia hits the horn again.
“Yes, alright, alright. Bye. Go away, before your mother runs me over.”
And that is all it takes to put a warm grin on Ben’s face. “Bye, Hux.”
He forces himself to move, not the stand there and watch Ben fold his long body up into Leia’s little car and drive away. The sun is beating down on the back of his neck. He still has his little bag of groceries in one hand- had held it like an idiot all through that desperate little play. When he reaches his car- an SUV, more because he enjoyed the feeling of driving something big than because he needed the space- he tucks his solitary bag into the empty hatchback, wedging it into a corner so it won’t spill as he drives. He pauses, one hand on the hatch to close it, before going back and fishing something out of the bag.
The car starts with a quiet hum. It was less than a year old and still faintly smelled it.
It had been a Christmas present from Devon.
Hux sighs, sitting there in his silent car in the parking lot, but really he had made this decision ages ago. This was just... seeing it through.
Reaching over to the passenger seat, he grabs the pre-paid phone he had bought inside and begins to open it.
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bookwormcheerleader · 7 years ago
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i was tagged by @trevorfindsthestrals (LOOK i finally got internet access on my laptop again!! Sorry it took so long) 1. Coffee or tea? tea, i had my first cup of coffee on like thursday last week 2. Black and white or color? black or soft, but not pastel, colours 3. Drawings or paintings? idk, whatever is more moving in that moment i guess 4. Dresses or skirts? dresses because i never know how to match with a skirt 5. Books or movies? how DARE you make me choose, i think books, but i wanna make movies (potentially havent really explored that yet) so it seems like the wrong answer 6. Pepsi or Coke? i dont drink fizzy drinks 7. Chinese or Italian? definitely italian on an everyday basis but i LOVE chinese too 8. Early bird or night owl? its almost midnight and i havent started my reading for tomorrow, that counts as an answer right? 9. Chocolate or vanilla? chocolate, unless its a milkshake 10. Introvert or extrovert? introvert, i don’t really like people 11. Hugs or kisses? ive never been kissed so hugs 12. Hunting or fishing? aesthetics of hunting but uh with fishing you can not put a hook on the line and just kinda sit there and chill without looking like the animal lover that your family judges you for being 13. Winter or summer? yes. idk im probably more of a summer person, but i also really like the implications of winter in that everything has to die in order to be reborn, plus i can’t really breathe in the heat, but i also have poor circulation in my extremities so the cold sucks ass 14. Spring or fall? spring, i like the crisp air of fall dont get me wrong, but the rebirth and the petrichor after a spring rain with a crisp breeze that doesnt chill you is just so relaxing 15. Rural or urban? i grew up in the woods so rural but i need to at least be kinda close to a hospital to avoid panicking  16. PC or Mac? pc 17. Tan or pale? is this preference, cuz i dont have one of those, but i am so white that i was the same color as my cheer uniform in high school 18. Cake or pie? cake, i dont like pie crust 19. Ice cream or yogurt? frozen yogurt tbh, it jsut tastes fresher and less heavy 20. Ketchup or mustard? my brother likes to mock me for how much i loved ketchup when i was like 7 as if it was yesterday 21. Sweet pickles or dill pickles? i dont like pickles 22. Comedy or mystery? can we do a hybrid where its like theyre fighting crime but have no ability to act serious, cuz im basically writing a comic book like that with @spectralflutterbeast 23. Boots or sandals? i live in a colder wetter climate so usually boots, but i love sandals 24. Silver or gold? i like white gold typically because its often a mix, it has the matching ability of silver with the warmth in color of gold 25. Pop or Rock? i grew up on steve miller and journey from my mom and simon & garfunkel from my dad 26. Dancing or singing? all i can think of is my shitty karoke the other night, so uh dancing, at least i don’t suck more at that when im drunk 27. Checkers or chess? checkers is easier and i could probably actually win, but chess is more likely to hold my attention 28. Board games or video games? we used to do family board game nights (im currently holding the winnign streak for clue because any games played without everyone dont count) (my extended family is also obsessed with card games, its how we bond, we talk shit and play cards) 29. Wine or beer? wine if i have to have one of these, i dont like fizzy stuff ever so no beer but wine dries out my mouth 30. Freckles or dimples? i have freckles, and i love it when people have dimples 31. Honey mustard or BBQ sauce? i guess bbq 32. Body weight exercises or lifting weights? idk what body weight exercises includes but i have always liked lifting weights, its something im fairly good at 33. Baseball or basketball? BASEBALL IS THE BEST I LOVE IT, i miss playing it so much but its been too long for me to feel comfortable joining an intramural team 34. Crossword puzzles or sudokus? sudoku...i think 35. Facial hair or clean shaven? preference right, um stubble.... im not big on full beards (probs cuz my dad has always had one, seriously pics from when he was 20 we are the exact same but he has a beard, he says he hasnt shaved his upper lip since he was 16) clean shaven is nice too tho 36. Crushed ice or cubed ice? i prefer no ice, but if i have to i like that ice you get in hospital cafeterias 37. Skiing or snowboarding? never been 38. Smile or game face? smirking, its the happy medium 39. Bracelet or necklace? i feel naked without any piece of my jewelry (watch on right wrist, a bracelet on my left, a necklace for me to fidget with, both sets of earrings) 40. Fruit or vegetables? fruit 41. Sausage or bacon? bacon 42. Scrambled or fried? scrambled unless its on toast 43. Dark chocolate or white chocolate? dark chocolate 44. Tattoos or piercings? i have two sets of piercings and i just got my first tattoo last month 45. Antique or brand new? antique unless its something i would feel like i couldnt be comfortable using, i always wind up with a very eclectic mix 46. Dress up or dress down? dress down, never really have a reason to dress up 47. Cowboys or aliens? cowboys, space gives me anxiiety 48. Cats or dogs? dogs 49. Pancakes or waffles? depends on who is making the pancakes 50. Bond or Bourne? uhhhh what 51. Sci-Fi or fantasy? fantasy 52. Numbers or letters? letters 53. Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings? lotr tbh 54. Fair or theme park? fair, i grew up in puyallup (look it up, i can even sing the old theme song) 55. Money or fame? money, i want to buy my parents and aunt nice things 56. Washing dishes or doing laundry? laundry (no icky wet food pieces!) {this is what @trevorfindsthestrals had i just could not have said it any better myself} 57. Snakes or sharks? ummm snakes? cuz theyre smaller and i can run from them if theyre dangerous 58. Orange juice or apple juice? orange 59. Sunrise or sunset? sunsets seem more satisfactory to me 60. Slacker or over-achiever?.....i dont’ know how to answer this question 61. Pen or pencil? pencil, unless im worried about it smudging, then i bought some erasable pens for that 62. Peanut butter or jelly? peanut butter is more filling but i make jam every year so theres that 63. Grammys or Oscars? oscars 64. Detailed or abstract? why cant we do both, like a painting that is overall abstract but the closer you get the more you see the things that make it what it is, ya know, like life 65. Multiple choice questions or essay questions? idk multiple choice questions are harder to get wrong for not having enough info about a particular topic, but im good at and enjoy bsing things 66. Adventurous or cautious? i wish i was more adventurous but insecurities 67. Saver or spender? yes 68. Glasses or contacts? i dont wear either 69. Laptop or desktop? laptop 70. Classic or modern? what medium 71. Personal chef or personal fitness trainer? i would like a personal trainer until i get back in the habit of it and then i would jsut need a gym buddy 72. Internet or cell phone? cell since you cna get internet on your phone 73. Call or text? social anxiety so texting  74. Curly hair or straight? mine is beach wavy 75. Shower in the morning or shower in the evening? ive been showering in the morning because i like what it does to my hair 76. Spicy or mild? spicy please 77. Marvel or DC? wonder woman was my first favorite character, like about the time that bugs life came out because i obviously had two and the other was Flick  78. Paying a mortgage or paying rent? rent, i like assurance but i dont like permanence 79. Sky dive or bungee jump? never been but uh im not that trusting so i probably am jsut gonna go with a no 80. Oreos or Chips Ahoy? chewy chips ahoy 81. Jello or pudding? jello 82. Truth or dare? im a chicken so truth 83. Roller coaster or Ferris wheel? roller coaster, ferris wheels are all of the fear with none of the fun 84. Leather or denim? I NEED BOTH I CANT CHOOSE 85. Stripes or solids? stripes and fat people lol no, solids for me 86. Bagels or muffins? bagels probably 87. Whole wheat or white? whole wheat 88. Beads or pearls? pearls, my mother was a jeweler for 13 years, i cant not 89. Hardwood or carpet? hard wood in a hall, tile or linoleum in the kitchen and bathroom and then carpet everywhere else 90. Bright colors or neutral tones? uhhhh for what, cuz it really depends  91. Be older than you are or younger than you are? i want to be like 34, not rn obviously, im enjoying being 20 and stupid, but i feel like 34 is a good age, of course thats abotu how old my bros were when i idolized them so that might be reflective of that 92. Raisins or nuts? raisins, partially because every time my dad sees nuts he says nuts for the nutty and it has become a conditioned response for me now 93. Picnic or nice restaurant? picnic 94. Black leather or brown leather? brown 95. Long hair or short hair? mines somewhere in the middle 96. “Ready, aim, fire” or “Ready, fire, aim”? wtf does the second even mean 97. Fiction or non-fiction? fiction 98. Smoking or non-smoking? i have asthma 99. Think before you talk or talk before you think? i wish i could think before i talk more than i actually do 100. Asking questions or answering questions? i like to listen to people imma tag: @kiavachiisanoob @warriorsatthedisco @colecast1 and anyone lookinng for an excuse to do one of these
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addictivewriter · 7 years ago
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In Pursuit (6)
Summary: The first eighteen years of your life, you were raised by your single mother. That’s all you needed, your mother. But when your presence is needed again at ‘work’, that’s when you question things. The missing father figure and why your mother was so secretive about him. Maybe even your blossoming friendship with Bucky Barnes.
Pairing: Tony Stark x Reader, Bucky Barnes x Reader
Word count: 900+
A/N: The first chapter featuring Bucky! Yay! Also - my requests are open, feel free to send some in <3
my mobile masterlist
After you retrieved the very large box containing everything you ordered, Sam drove back instead. The entire ride back he had you laughing till tears ran down your cheeks and you were clutching your stomach. In just a short amount of time he made you forget the phone call your mother made and the overwhelming feelings brewing inside you.
By the time you were walking back inside the facility, you had already decided you liked Sam. He was funny, kind and insightful. As the two of you made your way to the kitchen, you continued to joke around a little.
“FRIDAY,” you said as you set the box on top of the table. “Can you let everyone know we’re back with food?”
Both you and Sam started dividing up the orders and figuring who ordered what. About half the team showed up by the time you had the orders separated. After snatching yours you took a seat at the table and started eating without caring about anyone else in the room. The smell wafting from the greasy, fat burgers teased you the entire ride back.
Wanda, who you’ve heard very little about besides being a twin from Sokovia, sat next to you. You shared a smile as you chewed a mouthful of the burger and went back to ignoring everything that wasn’t food.
After a few more minutes, everyone broke off into their own little groups small chatter filling the room. You picked up your second burger and took a rather large bite as the sound of heavy footsteps echoed around the room.
“Hey, gotcha something,” you heard Sam say. “Only one left on the counter. You like onions, right?”
A deep voice replied, a new one. Your eyes flickered up in curiosity. Immediately from one glance you knew who just walked into the room: James ‘Bucky’ Barnes. He had dark brown, shoulder length hair and the perfect amount of scruff to match. Gazing over Bucky’s frame, you wanted to laugh at yourself. If you thought Steve was large, Bucky was even thicker. Broad shoulders, impressive biceps and thighs…
You ended up choking on your food. The moment you were able to breathe, you reached for the cup of soda and downed a large portion of it. Wanda raised an eyebrow and quietly asked if you were okay.
With heated cheeks, you nodded your head. “Y-yeah. Went down the wrong tube is all.”
Slowly his head turned and Bucky met your gaze. You flushed under his stare but didn’t look away. After a moment, his gaze lowered to the food in his hand and leaned beside Sam as he hesitantly nibbled on his burger.
You weren’t surprised that you were the first one to finish your food. After balling up the trash and throwing it out, you bid everyone farewell. For the rest of the evening, you were curled up in a ball and distracted yourself successfully by binge-watching Criminal Minds. By the time you were tired enough to pass out, it was well past midnight.
You groaned, rubbing your eyes as you picked up your phone. Shielding your eyes from the harsh light, you recognized the numbers at the top of the screen. It was only five in the morning. Too early to do anything besides sleep. But as you tossed around in your bed, changing positions every so often, you realized you weren’t going to go back to sleep. Grumbling profanities underneath your breath, you climbed out of bed and put on a pair of leggings and a large shirt before slipping your feet into a pair of slippers.
As you made your way to the kitchen, you glanced out one of the windows. The skies were still dark and just starting to lighten up. Within an hour the sun would probably be up and no doubt people would start walking around the facility.
As you made your way around the kitchen, making a pot of coffee, your eyebrows were furrowed down while a frown was permanently etched onto your face. You were grumpy as hell and was a little glad no one else was around to witness it. Taking your nasty mood out on anyone else was the last thing you wanted.
You weren’t about to cut up some fruit for breakfast. Still too sleepy to attempt cutting things. So you rummaged around the fridge a bit before you found a cup of plain yogurt. Good enough for you. Just as you’re slowly pouring the coffee you heard someone else enter the kitchen.
You glanced up to see Bucky. He’s dressed in a pair of sweatpants and a tight-fitting shirt, hair pulled back into a ponytail. Immediately your teeth latched onto your bottom lip as you finished pouring your coffee. You stirred it with a spoon after pouring in a hefty amount of creamer and sugar - more than what was necessary - and brought it to your lips.
“Hello,” he murmured quietly.
You looked up at him. His eyes were on you, almost shyly, as his gaze constantly flickered between the floor and you. Smiling gently you nodded your head in response. You took another gulp of coffee before you responded.
“Sorry,” you explained quietly, “Not exactly a morning. Didn’t help that I got very little sleep last night.”
“I’m Bucky.”
“Y/N,” you stuck your hand out. “It’s nice to meet you.”
Gingerly, he slipped his flesh hand into yours and shook it.
“Likewise,” he said. His gaze turned to the clock on the microwave, lips pursed. “Well I gotta go. Steve wanted to go on a run, so…”
“Got it. I’ll see you later, then.”
Bucky disappeared after grabbing a bottle of water. Sagging against the counter you slowly sipped on your overly sweet coffee.
Maybe staying and being on the team wouldn’t be that bad, you thought.
TAGS:
@marveldcmistress @peachbucky @captainamericasbeautifulbutt@welcometothislittleplace @pleasantbucky
If you’d like to be added to this tag list, send me an ask!
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zibizuba · 6 years ago
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100+ Best Hilarious Funny Facebook Status Updates
Today we present: Best Hilarious Funny Facebook Status Updates. You can chose your best one and also update your facebook status to funny.
List with Hilarious Funny Facebook Status Updates!!
I know the world isn’t going to end in 2015 cuz my yogurt expires in 2016!
I like to name my iPod ‘Titanic’ so when it says ‘Syncing Titanic’ i click cancel and it makes me feel like a hero.
Hello, everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like
Is wondering if you can grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars?
I love it when my computer says ” are you sure you want to continue unprotected “
Roses are redish, Violets are blueish, if it weren’t for Christmas, we would all be Jewish!
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.
decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
Most Hilarious Funny Facebook Status Updates
I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
sometimes, not remembering may be the better.
X says my computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
X is color blind and trying to solve a Rubiks cube… This could take a while.
X is the girl next door…if you live next door to a whore house.
What is fat, ginger and pregnant? Nothing..
slept like a baby last night…. Waking up every 3 hours crying for food.
wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…But suicide’s a crime.
X is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
People say that love is in every corner……gosh! maybe I’m moving in circles.
Read also Unbearably Funny Bear Puns
Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
WARNING: Objects in mirror are fatter than they appear.
║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ *ZAP* *BEEP* Price: $7.95
Dear Santa, let me explain…
I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty-second lover.
My wife said I’m too immature and if I don’t grow up it’s going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, erect.
If guys had periods, they’d brag about the size of their tampons.
Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.
Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
Statistically, 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions.
٩(•̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(͡๏��͡๏)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶
_̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲|̡̡̡ ̡ ̴̡ı̴̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡
if only life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP
scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today’s status.
̿̿̿ ̿’ ̿’̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/’̿’̿ ̿ this is a stick-up… give me ALL yo [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]!
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
More Hilarious Funny Facebook Status Updates
The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.
Boys are like baby diapers when they get to be filled with shit they are thrown to be replaced.
I’ve yet to meet a woman who got pregnant from swallowing.
Cut here —————–✄———————-
Me and my wife are inseparable. Sometimes, it takes three or four people to pull us apart.
I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
People who write diet books live off the fat of the land.
Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube.
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
Best Friends Listen to what you don’t say.
Just wanted to let you know that you are my BFBFF… Best Facebook Friend Forever.
So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
X thinks that Facebook is the compost heap for my brain.
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don’t know when.
You miss 100 percent of the shots u never take.
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhh its a secret.
More funny articles on Homepage
I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time.
Sometimes? Late at night? I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
I guess if you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless, huh?
X thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!
Alcohol does NOT make you fat…it makes you lean…against tables, chairs, walls, floors and ….Ugly people!!!
what has two ears and can’t hear? —————–.> GRANDPA
I’m not a racer….But I can fly.
press the star below and watch it glow 
▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ click star then up arrow to left to reveal status.
I think my neighbor just caught me stealing his Wi-Fi internet.
Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.
X is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of “liking” my own comment? Of course, I like my own comments. I’m awesome.
Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.
I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the weirdest hairdos.
X just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.
X believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.
¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ
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pense lol funny facebook status
Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Oh I’m sorry! I didn’t realize you were giving me a dirty look…I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!!
wants to merge MySpace, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT.
X says don’t look at me in that tone of voice.
Is anyone going to put anything funny on here?????
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
eat eat and eat….but don’t eat my brain.
I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
a guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school’s pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water….. Is that wrong?
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married, that’s their own fault.
too cool for school.
trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.
the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
–^v–^v–^v–^v-_____^v–^v–^v– For a second there, I was bored to death.
definitely not watching what not to wear.
forcing my dog to learn how to google.
kissing a girl and may or may not be liking it.
Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with “according to the prophecy”
X is Loading ████████████ 99%
Don’t you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to Life. How many fish do you have? Stop counting smart one. Fish can’t Drown.
X went to the book store earlier to buy a ‘Where’s Wally’ book. When I got there, I couldn’t find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.
Hi, my name is Damimeve. The ‘mime’ is silent.
I’ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming “CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!” when they have nightmares.
In an interview, “I can multitask housework with facebook!”
X is coloring on your wall! ((̲̅ ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((>
never judges a book by its cover. She uses the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
a day late and a dollar short.
Insert coin to view my status message.
If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don’t eat it: It’s probably poison.
We have so much in common. You want to travel, I want you to go.
happy that you finally broke up with that slut. Now I can tell you VIA facebook update that I boinked her.
seen pictures of you naked on the internet.
remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit.
> $20 in my bank acct. Drinks on you home.
20/20 hearing!
Short funny joke
Boy: So, sex at my place? Girl: Yah! Boy: OK, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother and he thinks we’re making sandwiches so this is the code. Cheese= Faster. Tomato= Harder. Girl: OK? ~Later~ …Girl: CHEESE CHEESE TOMATO CHEESE! Brother: Stop making sandwiches! You’re getting mayo all over my bed!
why do we need school??? music~we have YouTube for that. Spanish ~I watch Dora. English ~everything is shortened anyway (brb,idk,lol). geography~i will buy a globe. history~they are all dead anyway. math~that is why we have the calculator. spelling~we have spell check on the computer.
People make the world go around but at some point don’t you wish it were flat so all the idiots would keep walking and never come back?
NEVER trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.
I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, “Hello?” As if the bad guy is gonna be like, “Yeah, I`m in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?”
“how do you spell gay?” “g.a.y?” “noooo! j.u.s.t.i.n b.i.e.b.e.r!” (;
what’s the difference between puberty & a water bottle? a water bottle hit Justin Bieber first! (;
Going to McDonalds for salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
Roses are Red, Nuts are brown, Skirts go Up, Pants go Down, Body to Body, Skin to Skin, When it is Stiff, Stick it In, The Longer its In, The stronger it Gets, It goes in Dry, Comes out Wet, It comes out dripping,and it starts to Sag, Its not what you Think …its a Teabag xD
Mrs. Bin Laden just updated her Facebook status to single.
Sometimes your Knight in shinning armour is just an idiot wrapped in tinfoil.
We guys have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see us without an erection, make us a sandwich ! 
Me and my mom were shopping for new Cd’s and she asked me.. Mom: honey, Who’s your favorite artist? Me: Eminem Mom: The candy? Me: no the rapper Mom: What’s so special good about Candy Wrappers?
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrehea…does that mean one person enjoys it?
status: I can’t log into facebook 
A bug just landed on my computer screen and my first reaction was on try and scare it away with the curser
*BLOND GOES TO THE DOCTOR TO FIND OUT IF SHE IS PREGNANT* Doctor: your pregnant Blond: *smiles*  Doctor: your having twins Blond: *crys* Doctor: is’ant that good? Blond: i dont know who the father is for the other baby Doctor: LUCKY IM A BRUNETTE !!!!!!!
Did you know in Japan girls keep their phones on vibrate and put them down their crotch? Don’t feel bad if they don’t answer. It means they’re busy  All i want to know is, where can i get a number? 
Your make-up looks so pretty:) lol jk it looks like a crayola raped your face!!!
My friends status said, “standing on the edge of a cliff :/”…so i poked him.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought to yourself “Dude, that’s the sperm that won???”
Sometimes i fill up my blow up doll with helium so its playing hard to get.
i know three facts about you, one you can’t say M without your lips touching, two your trying it now and you look like an idiot alien, three now your smiling
Guy: Did It Hurt? Chick: Did What Hurt? Guy: When you fell from… Chick: Heaven Awww :’) Guy: No, when you fell from the whore tree and banged every guy on the way down!! Chick: ………. Guy: Hahaha BITCH!!
Sorry, Ke$ha the party dont stop till I walk in.
honk if you love Jesus Textwhile driving if you want to meet him.
Last Night I Dreamt I was Eating A Giant Marshmallow……..When I Woke Up My Pillow Was Gone.
How much coke has Charlie Sheen done?……………enough to kill 2 1/2 men….
I love how justin bieber can hit high notes but not puberty!
Roses are red, violets are blue, a face like yours, belongs in the zoo, don’t be mad, i’ll be there, not in the cage, but laughing at you.
Relationships are like Tom & Jerry: They tease each other, knock down each other, irritate each other, but can’t live without each other.
I WISH i could be a status, so you could LIKE me.
I tried to log on to Facebook. It said, “Cookies are required to operate.” I thought to myself, “Me too, Facebook. Me too.”
A divorced man walks over to his ex-wifes new hubby n asked…so how does it feel enjoying 2nd hand goods?..Doesn’t bother me, he responds..actually once u get past the 1st 3 inches, the rest is all brand new.
I wonder what will happen if Steve Jobs dies…. His tombstone may read – iDead…
Got into a fight with my alarm clock this morning it wanted me to wake up i disagreed now the alarms broken and im wide awake…not sure who won.
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was “You’ll never find anyone like me again!” I’m thinking, “I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you.
A kid got bad marks in his test, he showed his test to his mom. His mom said ” what is this”? He answered teachers star stickers were finished so she gave me a full moon!!!
Please copy and paste this to your status if you know someone, or have been affected by someone who needs a punch in the face. People who need a punch in the face affect the lives of many. There is still no known cure for someone who deserves a punch in the face, except for a punch in the face. But we can still raise awareness!
One day a chicken crossed the road and met james bond and said whats your name?? ….bond james bond… whats yours??..ken chick ken!
Behind every great woman is a man looking at her ass!
I’d rather Cry over cuts & stitches. not sluts & bitches !
Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself.
Check also Tree Puns Funny Memes, Birch Please
Artykuł 100+ Best Hilarious Funny Facebook Status Updates pochodzi z serwisu PENSE LOL.
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labyriinths · 6 years ago
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Charlie Harris Head canon: The end of Charlie/Dawn
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ᑕᕼᗩᖇᒪIE went over and over in his mind the pros and cons of leaving Dawn. It was excruciating to him, to be able to do it right. Even before there was Alex, there was something missing. Their marriage was built out of respect and fondness, but there had to be more to make it work. Laughter, and lingering moments were notably absent. They had it before, but somewhere as they started to grow into themselves more, their relationship became stagnant. It was just having someone you could count on, and be a great roommate most of the time. It was likely why they kept delaying have children, citing ‘it’s just not the right time.’ But when would it be? None of them seemed passionate enough to fight for it. Their marriage was routine, and he knew not only he deserved more, but so did Dawn.
Did Alex have anything to do with it? Well sure she did, because she was the walking reminder that those feelings could exist. As much as a flirtation took place, Charlie simply respected Dawn too much to let their marriage go out that way. The moment he forwent seeing his wife after her long trip, and instead going out with his colleagues he knew. He just knew it was over. He returned that night to their apartment, and knew she must have been tired from her trip, so he decided on the sofa instead. He was risen by the opening of the curtains in their apartment as Dawn made light appear in the living room. Her routine had not faltered a bit. With the newspaper in hand, she started making the coffee, and scrambling eggs. Last night was no big deal to her, and he wasn’t even apologizing for not being there. 
As he squinted, he rose from the sofa, and rubbed his eyes. “Good morning,” he said gruffly. “’Morning,” she said simply, glancing at him once, before mixing the eggs in the pan with the spatula. 
Huh.
“Sorry about last night, had a big day and needed to have a drink, to get out of my head. How was your trip?” he asked, walking over to the stool by the island of their kitchen. 
“No big deal, I get it.” she said simply, grabbing a plate, and setting the newspaper on the counter. “Would you like some?” she asked, not looking back as she leaned over her ipad rummaging through her emails.
“No, Dawn I’m fine.” Charlie felt a pit in his stomach. He should do it now. He shouldn’t keep it going. “Dawn, look we have to talk.”
Dawn kept her back to him, and raised a hand up to stop him. “Charlie wait. Don’t.” she could feel emotion catch on her throat, but she willed it down. After all, she was Dawn Bell. Their marriage was not going to go down this way, she was not going to be the victim. 
“The reason I came down earlier was because I’ve been giving our marriage a great deal of thought.” Needing to keep her hands busy, she lowered the fire on the stove, and went to the fridge grabbing some greek low fat yogurt and added a spoonful to the mix. All the while her composure was poised, but she could feel everything inside breaking but she was the one that was going to do it, not him.
“It’s been fun, we’ve had a good few years, but right now it’s not where I think it should be. I’ve been offered a job at Mount Sinai, and I want to take it. There’s a tremendous amount of cases I’ve never dreamed I could do, and it will be an exceptional opportunity for my career.” The more she went on, the easier it was being to just be the dominant in the conversation. As she took the scrambled eggs out of the pan, and set it on the plate, she finally turned to him, sipping her coffee. “What do you think?”
Charlie was stunned into silence all the while Dawn had rambled on, until he realized what she was doing, and hated himself all the more. She knew he was going to ask for a divorce, and she knew him. Dawn was giving him a jail out of free card, and was never going to admit it. She was an extraordinary woman he didn’t’ deserve to have, but someone would be lucky to have. He walked over to Dawn, and hugged her from behind, his chin on her shoulder as he tried to make her relax. “I never deserved you Dawn, you were always too good for me.” 
Dawn could feel the tears forcing themselves through her eyes, and with one blink they cascaded down her cheeks. There were no sobs, that much she could control. But she felt at peace that things were going out her way.“I hope you can find what you’re looking for.” she kissed his cheek, feeling the ache in her stomach she’d felt when she took the trip. “I’ll have my lawyers draw up the paperwork later today, should be easy.” she patted his arm around her shoulder, and walked out of the kitchen into their room. Once she made it into their bathroom she shut the door, and sat behind the door, letting the tears fall perfectly down in their torrents. 
Charlie was off the hook, but it wasn’t something to celebrate. He was going to have a chance at a different life again, but as unfulfilled as their marriage was, something once beautiful had died. He wanted to go after her, knowing she had the brave front this whole time, but he decided to let her have her space. None of this was going to be easy. He respected her, and she was a big chunk of his life. At least until she moved, he was going to do his best to not start things up again. Divorces were looked badly on both, and he wasn’t going to add fuel to the rumor mill that would unlikely unravel despite how private the two were.
Months passed, and their divorce was one of the most amicable there was. At least that was what their lawyer told them. Dawn offered him the apartment, citing her move to New York, but Charlie didn’t want it. He offered it to her, for whenever she’d come back. They split their assets down the middle, and that was it. With a sign of the paper, their marriage was a thing of the past. As Dawn was about to leave abruptly, Charlie stopped her and gave her a hug. “You’re exceptional, Dawn.” She nodded, kissing his cheek and there she went. 
Important notes: 
- He never cheated on Dawn 
- They remained good friends after the divorce
- Dawn was the first sense of security he had while he was in college studying medicine. She helped shape him into a more open person, giving him his first real take on companionship. Without her, he probably wouldn’t have been good enough for Alex.
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imreszekeres · 8 years ago
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for the anon that wanted all 100
1. Name- Ash! 2. Age- 18 3. City that you live in- fear, usually 4. What do most people not know about you?- nothing really, i compulsively release useless information about myself 5. What do most people know you for?- being fat and annoying 6. Hobbies- makeup, youtubers, sleeping, writing, drawing 7. What are your passions?- writing 8. What do you search for in a significant other?- i really Really need to be understood, and someone who is patient is nice too 7. What are you most proud of?- I hav gone to State and gotten within the top 10% in my Journalism competitions, which puts me in the top .08% of all high school students in my state. :-) im good for some things 8. When was the last time you had a significant conversation with someone you love?- every day when I talk to @pizzasteveofficial <3 all our conversations are significant 2 me 9. Have you ever collected anything? What was it?- I collect my tears in a jar and store them, then shower in them every night 10. List 10 things off of your bucket list.- I want to get married in the snow, have a daughter, get a Heartagram tattoo (at least one lol), write a successful book, and.. idk what else :0 11. What was the last thing you learned?- jesus I dont know, you learn sth new every day! hard to remember 12. How many relationships have you been in?- um.. 7 I think i feel like im forgetting one tho. I wont name them obvi but i think im forgetting one? i feel like ive been in 8 oh well 13. Turn ons- validation 14. Turn offs- being alive 15. Favorite food- frozen yogurt! I like the vanilla or white chocolate flavor with looots of toppings 16. Favorite drink- Coke 17. What is the best birthday gift you have ever received?- i dont really know! I dont remember a lot of my birthdays for trauma reasons so  18. Are you optimistic or pessimistic?- pessimistic by far lol 19. Do you sleep during class?- its happened a handful of times, I try not to bc I HATE missing work its annoying 20. What is the most expensive thing you own?- myself?? jk its my laptop 21. What is the cheapest yet most useful thing you own?- a 1 dollar ELF blending brush. yall those things are bomb please go buy some! 22. How many times a day on average do you check your phone?- that number does not exist holy shit  23. Text or call?- TEXT BLEASE I HAVE SUCH BAD HEARING 24. Opinion on long distance?- it can work! ive done it a lot of times. distance has never been whats broken a relationship for me, not directly anyway 25. What is your definition of success?- success is when you’re happy. you do not have many worries, not the kind that keep you awake at night or make your tummy sick anyway. You have people that love you and, if you died, you’d be remembered as a good bean 26. Favorite song?- right now im really diggin “Hate (I Really Dont Like You)” by the plain white Ts 27. Favorite artist?- HIM!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 28. Celebrity crush/crushes?- Ville Valo ALWAYS lmao hes my god 29. When was the last time you read for fun?- like last month 30. Favorite flower?- roses 31. What is the best gift you could receive right now?- a plane ticket to Connecticut and like 1000 dollars 32. Any guilty pleasures?- pop... music... BUT LIKE THE GOOD KIND U FEEL? I DONT LIKE STUFF FROM THE LAST 2 OR 3 YEARs...  33. What is one thing you would like to change about yourself?- my weight, and that sounds so shallow but it. is taking a toll on me. 34. What do you search for in a friend?- someone who is like me! 35. How many times have you said "I love you" in the past month?- not enough 36. Where did you last go other than your room/home?- school.. 37. Why do bad things happen to good people?- because life isnt fair 38. In your opinion, what hurts more? Being left out or being stabbed in the eye?- what the fuck being stabbed in the eye have you ever been stabbed in the fucking eye? because i havent and i can already tell you that if my friends were talking without me and then someone stabbed me in the fuCKING EYE I WOULD BE JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE PREOCCUPIED WITH BEING STABBED IN THE E Y E  39. How many green shirts do you own?- none lol 40. Do you like anime?- sure! I dont watch it rn but i dont watch anything rn, haha 41. What do you invest the most time in?- sleeping,, 42. What was the name of the last book you read?- Rebecca :3 very gud book 43. What's the difference between loving and liking someone?- when ur main squeeze gets a hair cut and u still wanna suck their dingus u love em, thats it sorry i dont make the rules 44. Where are you most productive?- i dont.. know what this is asking lol I’m most protective over my romantic partners. As much as I’d love to say im most protective over Sarah, nothing compares to how “troll guarding his treasure” i am w/my loves.......... *eyes @my crush* 45. List 3 things you enjoy doing with friends.- talking shit abt rude ppl, playing vidya gaem, and talking abt life 46. List 3 things you enjoy doing alone.- watching makeup tutorials, watching lets plays, and thinking about everything and anything 47. Do you believe world peace will ever exist?- absolutely not. theres too many people on the earth to achieve that 48. Do you have any allergies?- Not to anything specific but i get them really often seasonally. i get them pretty much every time the weather changes :( 49. When was the last time you cussed at someone?- i mean.. every day of my life so like 50. What was the last promise you made?- idek dude 51. What was your last dream about?- IT WAS SO WEIRD IT WAS ABOUT MY CRUSH’S MOM? I DREAMT THAT SHE WAS A DEMON WHO STORED HER EGGS IN LITTLE PORCELAIN JARS AND THAT MY CRUSH HAD AN EAR INFECTION AND WE WERE IN A SNOWY VILLAGE IDK DONT ASK ME its weird bc my crushs mom is so sweet... 52. If you won a trip to Hawaii and you could take 5 people with you, who would those 5 people be?- i would literally only take Sarah bc i hate everyone 53. How many countries have you visited?- ive never been outside the US 54. What is your favorite medium of art? (Music, dance, painting, etc.)- writing :-) 56. When was the last time somebody complimented you?- those nice anons i got yesterday/the other day! 56. If you switched bodies with someone, how would you recognize yourself?- what do u even mean? youd know bc youd be like THIS ISNT MY BODY 57. Do you consider yourself mature?- kind of, yes 58. How many days in your life do you think you have wasted on tumblr?- too fuckin many 59. What is your favorite quote?- “Worship Satan!” -Ville Valo (no but rly any HIM lyric is my favorite quote, theyre so beautiful,,,) 60. If you started a new religion and you had to create 3 rules or commandments for your new followers to live by, what would those 3 rules be?- dont hurt ppl unless they hurt u, dont touch ppl unless they want u to, and respect gender/sexuality 61. What is your greatest accomplishment?- going 2 state! 62. Do you believe in the death penalty?- yeah i actually think it should b used more lol, kill all rapists and p*dophiles :-) 63. What are your goals for life?- i just wanna b happy, man 64. What do you think your soulmate is doing right now?- being a fucking idiot, probably 65. If you could live anywhere, where would you live? The place can be in an imaginary, fantasy, or the real world.- CALIFORNIA LMAO IM SUCH A SUCKER FOR CALIFORNIA AND I NEVER EVEN BEEN THERE 66. What were you like in 2013?- awful but also really sweet... then again i wasnt TECHNICALLY the host so lol  67. Do you have a job?- no :( i cant drive 68. Tell us a story about your childhood best friend.- she was an abusive bitch who took out her parents hating her on me the end 69. If you could change one thing about society, what would it be?- i would make discrimination a way more serious crime than it is taken for rn. ppl who discriminate should b put in jail 70. How many all-nighters have you pulled before?- just one when i had to install the sims and it took 6 years 71. Is tumblr your favorite website? If not, then what is your favorite website?- my fave website is youtube 72. What is the craziest thing you would do for a million dollars?- suck a dick, i guess 73. Does money equal happiness?- not all the time but it sure can 74. How many times have you experienced true happiness in your lifetime?- never, i dont think 75. How many times have you experienced true sadness in your lifetime?- too many times 76. What is the funniest joke you have ever been told?- you know that joke abt the blind man at the beginning of Crazy Rap? yeah thats fucking HILARIOUS  77. When was the last time you looked at the news?- this morn :0 78. If you could say one thing to the world, what would you say?- im gay 79. What is your favorite animal?- RACCOONS!!!!!!!!!!!! 80. If you could earn a million dollars by pretending to be dead for 3 years, would you do it?- i mean sure lmao nobody would b upset about it so 81. What is one thing that everyone is bad at?- being a human. 82. What time do you normally sleep? How many hours of sleep do you usually get?- i usually go to bed at 10 and get like 6 or 7 hours 83. Does age necessarily equal maturity?- not at all! 84. What is your favorite clothing store?- hot topic lol 85. In the winter- beanies or gloves?- gloves b 86. Would you rather have wings or a fish tail?- wings?? why would i want a fish tail 87. If you had the power to erase one person from the world so that nobody remembered him or her except you, would you do it?- absofuckinglutely.  88. What do you fear the most?- being like my rapist. thats a little too deep than i like to go but im being honest, thats literally my biggest fear Ever 89. How many digits of pi can you recite?- 3.14 lmfao i hate math 90. If you could travel back to one year and relive it again, which year would it be?- 2004. I would stop it before it happened. :-( 91. Describe yourself in one word.- stupid 92. Describe your last victory.- i woke up today w/o killin meself 93. What is the weirdest thing you have ever seen?- bendytoots cucumberpitch’s face 94. What is something you will never forget?- prom.. something rly nice happened 95. Would you rather forget all of the past or remember everything in vivid detail?- forget everything. please 96. Have you ever broken a bone before?- nope! 97. Is it harder to love or to hate somebody?- probably harder to love them lol 98. Coffee or tea?- coffer 99. What are some little things that you do that have changed your life in a positive way?- I dont overdose on a constant basis in a BPD-fueled rage any more so thats good 100. How many hours have you spend on tumblr today?- probably 1 or 2?
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