#sorry I read this all in one day and now I’m emotional abt it

[luci3skydi]

Reigen getting Teru that chair is the first step and it’s so important to me!!! (Fanart of Butterfly Effect by @mobfrog)

[kisses4reid]

ruined surprises | ·˚ ༘ aaron hotchner ,,

summary - you accidentally find a small, red, velvet box in aaron’s drawers.

genre - fluff, nonbau!reader x aaron, proposals, engagement rings, happy ending

warnings - mentions of anxiety, mixed feelings, um… being proposed to???

w.c. - idk why i put this here i never check before uploading. it’s only like 1k you’ll be okay.

a/n - hey pia why don’t we edit those drafts for the requests- no. ima do my own thing 😏🕷️also pls tell me abt mistakes i did not proof read this lol!

You sat at your dining table staring into space, or more specifically the bare wood in front of you. There were mixed emotions coursing through your veins. You felt as if your blood was changing from pink to green in the ugly mesh of conflicting feelings.

While this revelation brought you happiness and immense excitement, it also brought you fear. You were not supposed to find this, at least not now.

It stood prominent in your pocket, a pandora’s box of possibilities on how Aaron would react to your discovery. Would he be scared? Angry? Sad?

Your fingers picked at your nails as you took steadying breaths. The clock read only 5 minutes before Aaron returns from his vigorous job, 5 minutes before you’d have to reluctantly tell him you found the one thing he had been hiding from you.

The front door opens to your apartment and your palms start sweating in insecurity.

He’s tired, he’s worked all day, maybe it’s not the best time to bring it up. But what if he found out you knew the whole time? You’d be lying to him, and he values honesty above all else. What if it’s not for you? A gift, or maybe even an heirloom? Everything in your head started to doubt the one thing you wanted it to mean.

“Honey?”

Aaron stood at the end of the table, eyebrows low and eyes squinted slightly in concern. Coming home to your favourite person disassociating rigidly wasn’t a very warm welcome home. He would usually be greeted by a kiss, or the smell of a meal, or a bear hug. This was off, this was different.

“Aaron.” You smile, genuinely. Even with your anxiety raising your heartbeat by the second, there’s nothing that can keep you smiling from the sight of your handsome lover. Though the feeling was not long lived.

“Are you okay?” He asks, placing his bag down on the table and loosening his tie slightly.

“I’m… We need to talk.” You say with a gulp. You lowered your head and glanced at his expression quickly. It came out more serious than it needed to be, and honestly Aaron started thinking the worse.

He sat on the chair next to you and searched your avoiding eyes, “Y/n-“

“Before you say anything, and before I tell you about what,” you waved your hands slightly, “we’re actually talking about. I need you to know that if I’m wrong you can’t laugh at me, and you can’t get angry. Okay?”

He nodded more confused than ever. Okay so, the fact that he could possibly laugh from this ‘talk’ was a sign it wasn’t anything too bad. He only wished you’d stop taking deep breaths and get too it.

You sighed, tired of your own stalling before reaching in your back pocket and putting a small, deep red velvet box on the table. Aaron’s dark eyes latched onto the box and he sighed, bringing a hand up to mess with his hair in shock.

“Do you know what’s in there?” Maybe you hadn’t-

You nodded. He nodded back and closed his mouth in a tight lipped grimace. This was not how he planned his proposal to go.

You took a deep breath and quickly defended yourself, “I lost my sports bra, and I thought maybe I put it in your drawers accidentally so I opened them and found… that.”

Aaron looked into your eyes, you looked scared but as he watched your eyes soften he knew that you weren’t scared of the implications, you were scared you had done the wrong thing.

“Thank you for not pretending to be oblivious.” He said smoothly, receiving a small smile in return. It warmed his heart. Jesus, he thought you were breaking up with him.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have looked through your stuff. I’ve ruined the surprise, your surprise-“

“It’s okay.” He smiled, bringing his hand over yours, pulling it to his mouth and kissing your knuckles. You smile softly and he continues, “Honestly, it’s a little embarrassing.”

“How?” You tilted your head and furrowed your brows, running your thumb over the back of his hand softly.

“Now you know I want to marry you.” Aaron’s cheeks reddened only slightly, and you laughed to bask in it. It wasn’t often you got your lover blushing.

“You told me you wanted to marry me on our fourth date. Trust me, I remember.”

He laughed this time and looked down at the box. “Did you like the ring?”

“I didn’t get a good look because I shut it immediately. I pinched my finger in the clasp.” You displayed your fingertip as proof, “But from what I saw, it was perfect.”

You didn’t ruin his plans at all, he thought. It wasn’t a terrible revelation, you didn’t give it to him and run away, you didn’t let him down easy. You were honest and turned the moment into a core memory. You laughed. Everything was good when you laughed.

Aaron placed a soft hand on your cheek and placed a loving kiss on your lips, you smiled into it. “You’ll just have to wait longer now.” He whispered jokingly, to which you slapped him on the chest and whined, no fair.

No. What wasn’t fair was that he would get the best life, with the most perfect wife in the world, and others wouldn’t.

But it was hard to feel sorry for others when you were in front of him.

About a month later. Aaron Hotchner decided he couldn’t wait any longer.

Aaron’s arm was on the back rest of the couch, legs stretched on a foot rest and you cross-legged beside him explaining the deep lore behind the movie that was playing in the background. You were blabbering on, voice changing between characters that you tried to imitate, and topic lighting up your face more than the TV screen.

And Aaron’s heart just couldn’t take it. He needed to ask you to marry him more than he needed anything else in the world. Those four words seemed to be the only cure to his love sickness (though he knew it would only get worse).

You laughed at one of your own jokes, and started to calm down your explanation.

“And that’s why the first actor got replaced.” You smiled and placed your hands in your lap, face triumphant. Aaron smiled softly, eyes tracing your face with love and adoration.

“Can I ask you a question?” He asked.

You nodded, thinking it would be about the movie, “Of course.”

“Will you marry me?” He took the familiar velvet box from his sweatpant’s pocket and clicked it open, cheeks hurting in a smile as the ring was exposed to you for the second time. Aaron mentally scolded himself for not having a speech ready but seriously, he had not planned to do it tonight. It was a yearning, a need. Everything he would say to you, he promised to say a million times in your marriage as to not feel guilty about the bland proposal.

You held a hand over your mouth. Eyes glistening quickly, heartbeat seemingly still in your chest.

“Yes, oh my god. Aaron- Yes!” You threw yourself on him and squeezed his shoulders and back in a hug so tight he had to pat your back to get you off.

Not that he wanted you to stop, he just wanted to see you with a ring on your finger as quick as he could.

perm taglist (open!) - @jeffswh0re @reap3erslov3 @candyd1es @0108s22m @aurorsworld @theoraekenslover

[eloquentlytired]

— when the time comes

pairing: old man!logan howlett x gn! reader

word count: no idea but this one isn't very long.

part two is out!

tags: major character death — angst — reader is logan’s sunshine — mention of blood & wounds — logan low-key proposing 5 seconds before he dies — non established relationship

author's note: this has been on my mind since 2 days ago so I had to do it now.. I hope you guys enjoy reading this heartbreak! and yes I wrote this after watching Logan (2017) again. just a bit of an alternative type of ending so I can write abt logan x reader! as always reblogs & likes & conversations are sooo welcome ^_^

god stood me up

and I don't know why

lights are on

but nobody's home

you find him leaning against a tree trunk, a chunk of wood piercing his sides open as blood soaks through his shirt. that isn't the only wound he's sporting but it's the most evident one; the one that'll possibly lead him to his demise.

logan blinks upon noticing you as if he's just seeing things or dreaming. when you crouch down beside him and place your hand on his arm, he realizes exactly just how real you are. “logan?” there are tears in your eyes and he hates that you're crying because of him again. you had been living with him, charles and caliban way before it all turned to shit. and somehow the only ones left standing were laura and you. and the kids that logan had managed to save; he truly had saved so many lives.

there's a silence aside from his heavy breathing before your shaky hands cup his face. the blood flows out of his wound and mouth like a river. in some way you're bleeding too — inside your heart. “hey sunshine.” logan whispers with a soft smile and you feel something tear your chest apart from the inside. “I made you cry again.” you see the way his hand twitches by his side. he wants to touch you but he's old and tired and wounded. there's no energy left in him to move anymore. “the kids are okay, laura is okay— I have the car and..and there's still time— the hospital—” your voice trails off when logan closed his eyes.

“you know what makes me angry, sunshine?” logan asks and you simply stare at him, shaking your head. when he opens his eyes again, they are full of unshed tears. “gonna miss my daughter’s first birthday with me—” logan mutters brokenly and the vision of laura swims beneath his half-opened eyelids. and after laura there is you; smiling. at the beach. you've always wanted to go to the beach with him but he never took you since he was working day and night to take care of everything. of everyone. “and i’m also gonna miss my sunshine.” his eyes fall on you, on your crying face. the tears sliding down your cheeks are plenty and there is so much emotion pooling in those orbs of yours. logan wants to kiss you, tell you it'll be alright. but he can’t even move.

he coughs, some blood spluttering on his white shirt and you flinch. your fingers shake as you slide them through his messy hair, stroking them in the way he’s always loved. “logan, I'm sorry...I— I'm so sorry logan..” you keep chanting and logan feels the frustration in his bones when he tries to move his arms. he can't, he's too weak now, and he's angry with himself that he's unable to comfort you the way he wants. the way he once could but never did. “not you nor the entire world could ever prevent this, sunshine. it was meant to be like this.” he says before coughing again, more blood trickling down his beard.

you crawl by his side, on the dirty ground, and press against his ‘good’ side while leaning your head on his shoulder. you tilt your head back enough for your eyes to reach his exhausted face. logan maintains a smile you haven't seen in forever. in damn years to be precise. “charles spoke to me of other timelines and some shit about— multiverse was it?” he pauses, taking a deep breath. “I don't fucking know. I just wanted him to take the damn pills.” his sentence makes both of you laugh although logan is holding back with that — it'll only cause more physical pain after all. “point is..if it's true then—”

“—we gotta find each other yeah? and laura.” his eyes aren't on you anymore but they're in the sky. it's bluer than ever and the clouds part to show him the sun. logan doesn't look away even if it makes his eyes ache. you stare. “wanna make it right, sunshine.” he tells you as you sniffle by him. his fingers flinch again between your bodies and you slide a single hand down to hold his own, to intertwine your fingers in a gentle mess. “but for now I want to rest.” logan whispers and your grip tightens around his hand. if he had the strength, he'd squeeze back. you knew this.

“you did excellent.” you finally manage to say, a little steadier this time. logan averts his gaze to you as you continue. “you did a good job. you did such a good job.” you repeat with a smile so soft that logan starts yearning for you already. his faint chuckle turns into a rough cough and he takes some time to recover before speaking again.

“maybe after I rest, I'll open my eyes and..” you watch as logan’s eyes begin closing and how the heaving of his chest slows. he's deathly pale by now, the veins underneath his eyes are prominent, but your grip never slackens. you crawl closer until your foreheads touch. logan draws one last breath and you swallow down your cry. “and I'll see my daughter. and my... spouse.” your eyes shoot open wide but logan’s remain fallen shut. your chest heaves up and down intensely but logan’s remains still.

when the time comes, your feet are forcefully dragging you away towards your old car while logan lies beneath the ground.

[bonus-links]

I got the notification the comic updated this morning like RIGHT as I had to start working! Needless to say, my excitement got me through the day (and had such good payoff omgg)! Thank you for sharing your work with the world, it brings such joy to so many people!

But directors commentary? 👀 I gotta say I love it equally as much as each update!

🎶two months without uploading they come back with a side conversation that takes up a whole update🎶 jokes aside uh. most of the rest of this chapter is going to be like this. sorry. bonus links is an excuse to have link legend of zelda philosophize at himself for 1000 pages probably at this rate

I rewrote this conversation a BUNCH. there are versions of it that are much longer, where they actually talk a bit abt the master sword— I really liked those versions, but I decided to save some of that for later. my goal was to create a convo where they both are sort of dancing around what they mean, but they come to an understanding anyway. I think Slate and Wake have a lot in common that they could bond abt.

Here’s an important note about Slate’s character: he does not lie. he says what he means. He will, however, prolifically dodge ur questions lolol

some notes from the script I left for myself abt Wake’s expressions, hope I was able to capture them lolol

Wolf playing with the kids! This was an important detail for me to include lolol tho I nearly left it out bc I was having trouble staging this update. I wanted to build more of a connection between him playing w the kids on the island and him playing with the kids in Ordon, but there’s just not time, and the last update already kind of covered that emotion. Wolf is a really quiet guy, so I’ve been doing my best to build up his character in the bg even if he hasn’t gotten center stage yet. A lot of ppl commented on how this is the happiest we’ve seen him so far, and that was the intention!

Just wanted to call attention to these cute lil faces.

Loft continuing his streak of falling asleep at every party he’s ever been to. alas, no partners to carry him home this time :-(

Lore abt the triforce mark has been inconsistent from game to game. Like usual, I’m sort of cobbling together my own interpretation from ideas I like— so, in this instance, the triforce mark isn’t just from having at one point handled the triforce or possessed a piece of it, and not everyone has it.

I am obsessed w the hero of time statue in wind waker. It is such a striking image, and that section of the game is one of my favorites from any Zelda game. I am also obsessed w how Wind Waker approaches itself as the aftermath of oot. I am really excited to put Wake and Mask in the same room lolol. as a side note, statues really are becoming a motif in this comic huh

That’s abt all I’ve got for now! Thanks for reading!! I really hope the chapter has been enjoyable so far. We’ve got a little while left to go, despite my best efforts to keep this chapter short 😩

[thaltro]

this ask is a free pass to talk abt did/osdd as much as you want 👍

I love these free passes..thank you..please give me more 🫶🏽

Spending my pass on a rant about the online perception of DID/OSDD

One thing I find interesting is the concept of fake claiming and how that’s affected the community. In 2020 there was a large increase in mental health “awareness” online- mass vague posting of common symptoms and connecting it to larger disorders. This eventually lead to a lot of people misdiagnosing themselves with DID/OSDD. And Contrary to popular belief, I actually think most misdiagnosing was in good faith- younger teens for the first time connecting to disassociation, maladaptive day dreaming, emotional swings, PTSD, and derealization- and genuinely believing they had it. It’s more likely they had more common disorders like maybe Bpd, DDD, depression, psychosis- because there is a huge overlap in symptoms. (It’s also important to note it was also a huge awakening for actual systems too- because I’m definitely not saying everyone who had did/osdd in 2020 was misdiagnosed, in a lot of cases people were right!)

Buttttt

The internets reaction to this wasn’t with reeducation or kindness or even respectful criticism- it created a whole list of “faking signs”. I personally think the people who misdiagnosed themselves harmed the community much less then the people pushing for constant fakeclaiming. And now these arbitrary concepts plague actual systems pushing them into a deeper denial and opening them up to waves of unwanted harassment. Like ok, here’s some common misconceptions you’ll see (all the ones I’m listing are just bullshit and are contradicted with actual medical research)

-Systems can’t have fictives

-Systems can’t unmask

-Systems can’t have littles

-Systems can’t have factives

-Systems can’t have internal relationships

-Systems can’t have high amnesia

-Systems can’t have rapid switches

-Systems can’t have faceclaims or go by different genders/sexualities

ALL OF THIS IS BULLSHIT! None of these actually are backed up with medical research! And the worst part is I see groups of people just harass normal systems who show these normal symptoms and constantly fakeclaim them. I see cringe compilations, r/fake disorder cringe, tik toks, and video essays just spewing this nonsensical shit and it genuinely hurts. (It’s SO ANNOYING when they say shit like “people who do this hurt actual systems” YOUR HURTING ACTUAL SYSTEMS SHUT UP 😭) but Yes I do think there are people out their who do fake this disorder and use it to hurt and manipulate people. But I don’t think that’s the majority of misdiagnosed people. Even if someone was wrong I think it’s safer to just ignore them then to spread misinformation about DID/OSDD and encourage the possible harm onto genuine systems. (Also being wrong and admitting you are wrong is fine)

But yeah I’ll end my rant by saying If you support this weird online fakeclaiming witch hunts then I don’t want to associate with you. And to the self diagnosed systems or suspecting systems, it’s incredibly hard being in that position- harassment is almost guaranteed online and that sucks. Self diagnosis is valid especially if you can’t afford DID specialists- however with that statement If you do self diagnosis its necessary to do research. Don’t look at plural pedia or random websites- I recommend reading the DSM and The haunted self (it explains the fundamentals of structural dissociation)

PDF for the actual book ^^ (it’s also good for self diagnosed systems because it can help you weed out any other possible disorder overlap with BPD and PTSD)

But yeah 🙁 sorry for the rant I’m just really frustrated with the current climate of the internet especially for systems.

[supernova41st]

Can you do Cassandra for one of the dating head canons?

Cassandra x Reader Headcanons✮

A/n: Hey guyss sorry I’ve been gone for a while, I posted an a/n a while ago explaining why I’ve been busy here. I’m probably only going to post a few more fnf Headcanons until I move into the next fandom and see how that goes.(I personally see Cassandra more in the girls team so most of these hcs are for my girlies, so srry if ur masc reading this.)

Warnings: emotional suppression, slight obsession

Cassandra is a very hidden person

By that I mean she doesn’t share her feelings all that much, and when she does it’s in the form of violence (wow who could’ve guessed) So it took a while for you to get a break through with her

Anyways you guys met at her concert, she noticed you in the crowd singing a song she wrote.

So she was quite eager to finish up her song and go up to you after the show

Now you weren’t exactly scared of her it’s just that everyone at your school was, so it made you quite cautious of her even if you liked her music

“Hey,, I saw you out there”

flinch

“Oh, Cassandra. Sorry was I a bit loud out there wasn’t I?”

“Yeah, not as loud as me tho” oh my god of course not Cassandra it’s a fucking concert you stupid bitch-

“Ooh about that, how do you do that thing with your voice? It sounds like your voice gets pretty sore after all of that, it’s impressive!!”

Holyshitholyshit no one’s actually said that to me? Are they making fun of me?? Cuz if they are I’m beating the fuck out of them but they seemed to really like it back there-

Cassandra just froze right there, her cheeks were tinted as red as her hair while you just stood there, head tilted.

“..um I’ll see you at lunch tomorrow?”

“MHM”

nodding aggressively 💀

This girl made a whole plan on how to look for you at lunch, she even thought of getting on one of the lunch tables to find you

But you immediately spotted her because of her bright hair

She wasn’t sure how to act at first, because she really liked being around you which was a first time thing for her

As soon as she sat down in front of you she started to feel something different inside of her, she didn’t feel as much hate as she did on a normal basis. If anything she felt like she could let her guard down for once when she was around you

She’d let you call her nicknames that she doesn’t even let her parents call her, ‘Cass, Cassie, CayCay, CeCe ’

The one that really stuck with her was the one time you called her ‘babe’, to most people if you called your friend babe it was just to show affection.

But Cassandra always imagined that someday you’d always refer to as ‘babe’, or even ‘baby’.

Cassandra would stop writing about so much violence and write more about love (which didn’t sit right with her band members lol)

She’d always write about how she fell into your eyes, sure it was cliche to say but it felt so true.

On a warm summer night, you two were just chilling on a tubed slide at a closed park, eating snacks and ranting about god knows what.

That’s when she fucked up and confessed , genuine fear struck her eyes because she thought you’d be disgusted by how she felt since she was considered the ‘weird girl’ in school

Until you held her cold pale hand, and kissed her, black lipstick staining yours.

She then pushed you with her, laying on the slide, as you to began to makeout on her now favorite place to visit.

Now Ms Cassandra probably sees you as the most beautiful creature on this planet.

She enjoys doing gothic/punk like makeup on you while you do your own looks on her.

On Halloween you two would dress as nana (I know close to nothing abt this show so pls correct me if they’re a lesbian couple or not)

Depending on your style some people thought you guys just wore your regular clothes to the Halloween party

On Valentine’s Day she sent you a card that read “I want to share my coffin with you <3”, some people might find it weird but if anything you found it the sweetest thing in the world

Oh, you dye your hair too? Automatically in love, you two would love helping dye each others hair.

“Shoot”

“What? What happened?”

“I got the wrong color :(“

“Fuck.. Eh, I guess I can rock pink for a bit”

She did NOT rock pink 😵😵

Cassandra also drew your name/initials on all her shoes. She was DETERMINED to let it be known that she loves you

[afictionalwhor3]

I just finished watching HOTD and I have sm thoughts rumbling inside my head and I’m going to try my best to get them out in a way that makes sense

HOTD 2.07 Spoilers Ahead

- The ending of this episode saved it sm omggg. And please I understand why these side characters need this story building. Esp Daemon, I think we as viewers have been robbed in a lot of ways of seeing Daemon as a multi dimensional emotional character. However, this is why shows need to go back to 24 episode seasons. When there’s only 10 episodes before we lose these characters for two years I wanna see more action and not so much story building.

- The scene with Jace, my bbg 😖🫣🫠. I loved that scene bc it shows that Jace is insecure. He realizes what people say abt him and in some ways he probably believes it as well. Bc even if he has “plain” features the thing that separated him from the small folk was his claim to a dragon. Now that the small folk can claim dragons it’s like he is one of them. And I understand those frustrations (if we had 24 episode seasons 🙄) I would’ve loved to see wherever he went and have like a private moment amongst himself or even with Baela

- Daemon, Daemon, Daemon 😭😭. I’m sorry but him tripping acid in Harenhal is so genuinely funny to me. In seriousness tho we stan Oscar Tully cuz we love seeing Daemon humbled. The way he was able to spin the situation and make Daemon the uncomfortable one? Yeah you ate down mama

- The scenes with Matt and Paddy are just so good their chemistry off the charts. And the fact it was Paddy’s suggestion to do the scene as decrepit Viserys makes it even better bc it’s Viserys telling Daemon here the crown is yours, you’ve always wanted it, but while I hand it to you, look what it did to me.

- As someone who has not read the books, I saw that in the books Rhaena was happy in the Vale and that makes me sick cause that girl deserves it. Pray she claims a dragon next episode.

- Can a book person confirm is Alyssa had a sister? Cause ik with the kings guard from last episode (sorry I’m bad with names) they like made up Aerianna? So I wanna know if Hugh’s mom actually existed. Also hate hm character development/screen time he’s gotten as opposed to other side characters makes me sick.

- All those small folk in Dragonstone had me like, idk sista, but Rhaenyra seriously gained infinite aura points being able to calm Verthimor down.

- Vermithor knew damn well he ain’t have to burn all them people like that. Which leads me into my point that I love that these dragons have personalities. Like Syrax is literally just a girl, Vermithor is hot headed, Vhagar is an old lady, I just love that aspect of the show and someone give us a dragon personality fic

- Ulf stumbling onto a dragon like that I thought for sure he was dead. And also another clutch of dragon eggs???? Do they not know abt silverwing? Sm questions but when he went to kings landing I thought for a moment he was going to claim House Hightower. And when Aemond got to a haggard she was like “not again cmon”

- PERIOD THE DRAGON AT THE END WITH HER CREW BEHIND HERRRR!!! FUCK AEMOND WE DONT NEED HIMMMM!!! Such a boss power move like that was epic

- My favorite part abt next weeks preview was seeing Aemond tell Haelena she would have to ride Dreamfyre. Like she’s not meant yo be a warrior princess she’s meant to run in a field of flowers

But those are my thoughts if you somehow read this whole thing awesome and let’s talk in the comments I love talking abt these things it makes my day!!!!

[satantica]

Hii Hru? I really like ur fics they’re soooo good!!,

So i was wondering if u could write abt needy tsukki wanting attention from his gamer gf, how will he show/tell her that he want attention??

[NO TIME SKIP PLEASE]

Thanks!! Have a good day/night <3

i’m such a snail, i know😔😔

but here it is!!

our special guest: Tsukishima Kei

words count: 774

Tsukishima was giving your back the deadliest look he ever could. You could sense it and you almost turned off the game but a little wish to tease Kei a little longer was stronger. You wanted to see how much it really takes to make his pride eventually break. Now it’s been approximately a week since Tsukishima was acting like he’s actually relieved. You knew he wanted your undivided attention. He wanted himself to be a thing that excites you the most. But, of course, he wouldn’t just tell you so or act in a certain way. Tsukishima just can’t let you go that easy. Kei would punish you by an enormous amount of offensive sarcasm or extremely emotional ignorance. He realized it was wrong to be this childish but, to be fair, you’ve started it. If you could touch Tsukishima at that moment, you would feel stiffness in his joints. Kei was literally drilling the back of your head as he sent some impulse making you want to turn around. But you weren’t going to do so and Tsukishima got more and more irritated with every second.

As long as your furious mouse clicking stopped you noticed a cup of tea next to your left hand. Victory. That’s how it felt. But also a bit sweet and kind of cute. You knew you had to act it out right. It was a certain gesture of deep caring with some sort of, well, manipulation. Like a tiny injection of guilt.

“Thank you so much, is that your favorite?” you disarmingly smiled and took a sip.

“Oh, that’s alright, don’t mind me. Like you always do.” Kei didn’t look up from the book that he was ‘reading’. Apparently, to get back at you.

You quickly got in the new game. And for this time with Kei. “Like I always do? Darling, what are you talking about?” You innocently asked.

“Tsk, you can do better than this. I hope you play better online than in real life.” He examined your face with a bit of disappointment and left the room.

Suddenly you felt guilty. Yes, it wasn’t nice to start all of this in the first place. But Tsukishima wasn’t helping it too! If he just showed that he cared, you would stop immediately. And everything he did was to get revenge on you. That’s not how it should work. Alright, maybe he doesn’t put out affection much because it’s not his kind of thing. But he did show that he cared! He tried to tell you so many times. And yes, in his own, not really pleasant way. Every spiky word, every joke and disappointed look was ominously saying that you have to stop.

You were feeling guilty and furious at the same time. It did bother you that you hadn’t just sort it out with him. And you also wanted to just hear from Tsukishima Kei that he wants your attention. It is not that hard. But it was hard for you to admit it’s your fault too. Thoughts were rushing through your head. It was insurmountable. So you just followed Kei.

He was half sitting, half lying in your bed. Still reading the book, still not looking up as you entered the room. You sat next to him giving his leg a careful stroke. And yet no reaction. You moved a bit closer feeling so vulnerable now that you have to literally beg him to look at you. You put the book down and covered his hand with yours. You felt the warmth of his hands. You stroked them softly and finally Kei looked right at you.

Now you were the one who didn’t want to look up. Guilt was weighing you down.

“Look. I-“ You sighed. Every word was hard to say. Like there was no right way to apologize for this. “I’m sorry. You’re right I shouldn’t have acted like this. I just. I wanted you to actually say that you want my attention. It’s not difficult or anything. Is it?” You were still looking at his hands. Kei pulled you closer making you fall at his chest.

“You know it takes more than just one apology. You have to work hard now” Kei grinned and embraced you.

“Someone’s soft. Is this an invitation to play Mortal Combat?” You finally looked at him.

Tsukishima quickly removed his one arm from you. “Don’t make me reconsider my words.” His smile fell.

“I’m kidding, blond snake. Sounds like someone could use a massage to relax.” You said mischievously.

“I can go for that. Your punishment begins now.” Said Kei in a didactic tone.

[maivolpe]

hii! i j read “as long as ur with me” & i love ur writing :3 could i request a very cheesy fic in which reader’s alrdy confessed to bucky & bucky’s rejected them ? ( maybe bc he’s unsure abt his feelings ? ) tony holds a party later & bucky gets jealous ( ooo ~~ ) of the reader after he sees them talking & being close to sam, ( meanwhile the reader’s only talking to sam for help abt bucky ? ) basically mutual pining but reader & bucky just need a push in the right direction ?? thank u either way & i hope u have a nice day ♡Ꮺ៸៸

thank you so much for your kind words :) so sorry for the delay, writer's block hit me like a truck last month so i'm trying to slowly get back into it (this is really lengthy and i don’t like it very much eek) anyways thank you for requesting ♡

･｡ﾟ: ∘◦☾◦∘｡ﾟ.

pairing: bucky barnes x reader cw: mentions of alcohol, cursing, knives wc: 1.5k

tony was having yet another party. you swore he never even slept, just drank the night away with whoever was willing to with him. tonight, however, you didn’t have time to lecture him about his coping mechanisms. you had more pressing problems.

exactly a week before, bucky had invited you to spar. you'd jumped at the chance to have such experienced competition, and, if you were being honest, your heart raced when he pinned you. or talked to you, or even just looked at you, anything really. but everyone thought that way. right? right.

he’d let you choose one of his blades to work with, stating that he wanted you to be more familiar with knives. they were much easier to come by than guns, he’d noted.

"move your hand here instead of there... there you go."

"watch your six, good."

and soon enough the critiques turned to compliments, and it was much more of a fair fight. for almost an hour you were evenly matched, each dodging nearly all of the others’ blows.

as time dragged on, bucky started to get distracted. his eyes had flickered away for only a split second, but it was all you needed. you pushed him up against the wall, holding your knife to his throat. your breaths came quick and hard, and you'd stared up at his smirk, just inches from your face.

"careful there," he'd breathed. "you want to stab your opponent, not kiss them."

and with a rush of confidence, you'd cocked your head.

"would it be so bad?"

recognition dawned in his eyes, and that was the last thing you saw before a flash of metal overtook your vision. his knuckles had struck your ribs hard, and you went flying. he’d stalked out of the room and left you sprawled on the floor, gasping for breath.

ever since then, you’d been stuck in a whirlpool of emotions, keeping yourself confined to your room whenever you could. your ribs were bruised along with your ego, and altogether you just felt terrible. what were you thinking? what posessed you to leave a thought you would've been embarassed to even think, just floating in the air like that? and now tony was hosting this party, and the last thing you wanted to do was go.

well, maybe you'd get something to drink.

the room was flooded with people, packed to the brim with journalists, celebrities, and some uninvited partiers that had found their way in. trying to avoid conversation, you found yourself, drink in hand, tucked away in the corner of the room with sam.

“i feel so stupid, sam.”

“dude, i’m sure it’s not that serious. he probably just freaked out a little. and besides, i mean, look at you!” he motioned towards your dress, giving his hands a shake to emphasize how it flattered your figure.

“listen, though,” he continued. “just give him some time. he’s one to avoid any and all confrontation, but he’ll come around. with some nagging, maybe.”

you laughed. “thank you. i’m sorry for bothering you about this, i know it’s not super important.”

“it’s super important to you,” he pointed out, stuffing an hor d'oeuvre in his mouth. “‘s ‘mportant t’me by default.”

“ew, sam.”

bucky, in the meantime, was livid.

he’d come down just to grab a drink, or five, because the serum made it particularly tough for him to be inebriated. in the two minutes he was downstairs, of course he’d caught a glimpse of you, the very person he was trying to avoid. and you looked beautiful.

the party spilled out of open doors, people clambering in for a glance at tony. many shoved past him at an attempt to get closer to the middle of the room. it was a security nightmare, and also, he couldn’t hear anything.

he saw sam leaning in, whispering something to you, gesturing to your body? and you were laughing? as if his week hadn’t been bad enough, you’d moved right on from him. he wasn’t mad at you, he could never be. but sam?

“i need some air,” he grumbled to no one in particular. he pushed past waves of partygoers, keeping his head down, and slipped away through the first door he found.

across the room, you felt your heart sink to your stomach. you’d only seen bucky for a moment, and despite your determination to be happy, the look of revulsion on his face made you want to crumble.

“sam, i- i need some air.”

he nodded, brushing crumbs off of his chin and waving as you ducked through the crowd, dodging drinks and people alike. your ears rang, and even the silence of the elevator was deafening when the doors slid shut.

you tumbled out of the elevator as soon as the doors slid open, steadying yourself on a nearby doorknob. the wind whipped around your body, sending goosebumps down your arms and stinging your eyes. it was far too cold to be out on the roof, but where else was there to be?

you crept closer to the edge, perching on the roof so that you could see the city moving below you. cars and trucks whizzed by, oblivious to your existence. you found the bright colors of the stoplights blurring in your vision.

you were quickly learning that your emotions would always get the better of you. no matter how determined you were, they always took control.

the maintenance door behind you creaked open, and you whirled around to see who had found you. the glint of metal under the spotlights told you all you needed to know, and you quickly turned away.

“are you… crying?”

“no,” you sniffed, swiping fruitlessly at your tears.

"okay."

bucky lowered himself down next to you, stretching his legs to let them dangle off of the roof. he left a good space between the two of you, and you couldn't even bring yourself to hope he'd close the gap.

there was silence for a few moments, where neither of you dared to even breathe, much less look at each other.

"i was wrong," he whispered.

"what?"

“i said, i was wrong."

it was louder this time, but left you just as confused. was it guilt or pity that compelled him to make such a statement? either way, you shook your head. he couldn't be left thinking that way for simply feeling what he felt.

"no, you're not wrong. i was way too forward, and i made you uncomfortable. maybe you didn't have to lay me out like that, but that was a justified response. it's perfectly fine that you don't want me."

"but i do want you."

a puff of air escaped his lips with the words, visible in the frigid night. it dissipated as you turned the words over in your mind. you toyed with your fingers, afraid you'd misheard him. afraid you'd dreamed up the whole thing.

"i do want you. i've wanted you since i met you, the way you throw your head back when you laugh, the way you smile at me when you think i'm not looking, the way you hum along to every song, all of it. i just..."

he took a deep breath, and you could've sworn his hands had a little shake to them.

"it's... crazy. like shit, doll, i've hardly even talked to a girl in seventy years, and there you were lookin' beautiful, and talkin' about kissing me, and i just... didn't know what to do."

you nodded, gathering enough courage to peek up at him. he was watching you wistfully, emotion you'd never seen in him before displayed plainly on his face.

he looked away, though, shaking his head. "i'm sorry, i shouldn't have said anything. especially since you have that thing going on with sam now."

you wrinkled your nose. “what thing?”

“i, uh,” he started, clearing his throat, “i saw you guys talking. you looked happy.”

you giggled, smiling for what felt like the first time in forever. "about you, buck. i was worried about you. did you think i was making a move on sam?"

"maybe," he said sheepishly.

“he was helping me, or trying to, because i really messed up. i really do like you, james.”

his face softened at that, eyes widening at your confession. "in that case, i want- if you want to, i mean, i don't want to force anything-"

you reached over and took his hand, relishing the feeling of it slotting perfectly into your grip. "i want to."

"well, c'mere then."

he tucked an arm around your waist and pulled you closer to him, smiling down at you.

“can i kiss you now?” you breathed.

he answered by pressing his lips to yours, and it felt as though you melted into him for a moment. the colors dancing across your eyes were no longer from the traffic lights, but the dizzying happiness fizzing in your body, like the bubbles in a champagne glass.

he pulled away for a moment, and your heart pounded, afraid you’d messed something else up. but he only smiled at you.

“that felt really good.”

and before you could say “yes, it did,” his hands were cupping your face and he was pressing another gentle kiss to your longing lips.

･｡ﾟ: ∘◦☾◦∘｡ﾟ.

ko-fi ♡

[ntyfool]

OUR SUMMER.

chapter eleven – enigma.

previous. series masterlist. next.

Neteyam was cleaning the dishes while you watched the last cookies in the oven, none of you talking much, sharing a comfortable silence.

Ever since the day he sleepily confessed about finding you pretty your feelings just grew more and more, his actions seeming to express things none of you dared to speak about. Did Neteyam always cared so much? Was it normal for him to hold you so close? Look for you in every place?

Wasn’t it better to just clarify everything? The thought that, maybe, you were just misinterpreting things made you avoid the topic as much as possible. However it was true that, suddenly, everything Neteyam did knocked the air form your lungs. Lost in your own doubts, he was the first to break the silence, crouching down next to you.

“Are they almost finished?”

“Uhum. Just some minutes, I believe.”

“Great, Tsireya messaged me telling they’re almost here.”

You gave him a small smile. “Ok, we can wait together for now. Thank you for staying with me again Nete, I was surprised when you choose to help instead of go out, again.”

Remembering the time he took care of you, you could feel your smirk widening. Neteyam expression softened at the sight, his eyes carrying the same emotions they did before, the ones you’d stay up all night trying to understand, your personal enigma.

“You’ll always be my first choice, Y/n, over anyone and anything. It’s always you.” Again, his words seemed to mean much more than they ever did.

Your brows furred, searching for any signal of playfulness but he looked totally serious, maybe nervous. Your faces mere inches apart, for some reason you were sure that Neteyam’s heart was beating as fast as yours.

You could swear you noticed it, the way something shifted in that moment, how you could sense his love. His hand found yours, gently caressing it.

Before you could say anything Loak stormed in with the groceries, the two of you jumped in surprise, distancing from each other. You nervously got up and walked to the door, welcoming the group that followed. If you’d looked back once you’d see the uncertainty expressed by Neteyam, and perhaps have a glimpse of the longing his gaze held.

extra: loak literally screamed when he read the text (i loved to imagine this).

kiri noticed that you two were “weird”.

a/n: i’m finally back! so sorry for taking so long guys, i’m kinda happy abt how this turned out? but also sad that this smau is coming to an end. i love my neteyam best boy agenda.

taglist: @catgirlwannabe @rainbowsocks @il0veheartz @ilovejakesullysdick @coconut-dreamz @afro-hispwriter @n7ytiri @kentospet @pullandhug @mirikusashes @drugs-for-memes @neteyam4life @jjkclub @doulcha @grierpilots @littlexscarletxwitch @arminsgfloll @inluvwithneteyam @lovelyygirl8 @forasgaard.

[iloveyoutodeathbutimdrowning]

trigger warning i think: very slight mentions of suicide and mental health issues

pls don’t read if you don’t like rants about personal feelings or issues, i don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable or bother anyone

sorry

yk i don’t ever vent on here abt personal things but i have no one else to talk to abt this so here i am

i am so depressed and i have zero clue how to come out of this one

its a completely different feeling than the many other depressive episodes i’ve had and it feels like its been the same exact “episode” for several years

i’m in therapy and on medication because i’m bipolar 2 but the medication and therapy will only do so much and i’m at a loss now

i completely isolate myself in every way, i’m the worst kind of impulsive, and i’m burnt out from working overtime every single week and having my patients die every other day

i don’t think i would be considered suicidal but i just feel like this is a never ending cycle and that i would rather just not exist so i didn’t have to go through it anymore

i disappoint everyone all the time and i constantly feel like a failure

i’m so unbelievably lonely and its my own fault

i have so much resentment towards myself that it completely overwhelms all of my other emotions

i’m angry all the time and i take it out on people who don’t deserve it

i came to this website to because i wanted to feel like i was part of something and now its all gone to hell bc people weren’t raised with proper manners and they’re ruining everything

i’m so sad and i don’t know what to do to make it go away

its been so long since i’ve been what i think is happy and i don’t remember what it feels like

why can’t it all just go away

i’m just so tired

[lifmera]

hi mera!! i hope you’re having a lovely day! could i please request a hazbin hotel, chainsaw man, and twisted wonderland matchup if it isn’t too much?

pronouns | she/they

preference | it doesn’t matter!

personality | very shy, but once i’m comfortable with you i become very chaotic! i tend to be mean affectionately when i get comfortable and just say what’s on my mind without much thought cause i know i can trust you. i am the type of the person to tell you if what you’re doing could get you hurt or in trouble in some way. i’m also very big about honesty so it’s rare that i ever tell a lie, especially to people close to me. hence why i want people to be straight up and not lie to me. not very big on people i don’t know well touching me, but if you’re close to me you can hug me if you’d like.

when i’m frustrated or angry, it happens often but it’s never truly that deep. like i’ll be angry but it won’t be for long. i do lash out at people, but it is often not just one thing that caused me to do it, it’s a build of of things over time.

being sad is just the same way, it builds up over time until it boils over. i cry a lot when i’m sad, same with when i’m angry, because i don’t know where to let out my emotions.

appearance | my hair color changes often, but right now it’s blue and purple! my hair cut is a wolf cut with bangs! i’m very pale with pale blue eyes and i’m about “5’3” to “5’4” in height! my style is grunge or alt, but i like to keep it simple! so just cargo pants, a plain t-shirt, and some high tops and jacket will do!

hobbies | archery, writing, reading, drawing, collecting, gaming

likes | 80s music, vampiric aesthetics, victorian fashion, cats

dislikes | bugs, spiders, thunder, loud noises, arguing

lil extras | istp | pisces

i’m a very all over the place person so i hope this is okay! thank you! <3

HI HUN!!! IM SORRY THIS IS SO LATE. IM TRYING 😭🩷

I’ve decided to pair you with…. CHARLIE, DENJI & MALLEUS

Pretty wide variety… i know!

She LOVES your personality once you start to become comfortable.

She loves to be chaotic with you. Shes just a chaotic energy in total.

She’d love if you kept her AND other people out of trouble! Thats why she loves you so much :)

Shes also huge about honesty. Did you see what happened with vaggie!

She understands boundaries. Although she’s probably huge on touch, I feel like she wouldn’t do anything unless you initiated it.

When you lash out, she tries to help you not bottling up your emotions, and talking to her anytime something happened, she’ll love to hear whats going on.

She loves your outfits and your hair!! She thinks its super unique, and would say “opposites attract”

DENJI

Chaotic trio w power!!

If you playfully are mean to him he’ll do the same. I also think he’d try to bite you as a joke. Like chomp chomp.

Hes HUGE on honesty. Like what happened with makima…? Yikes..

Please help him stay out of trouble. He’s always doing something hella nuts or putting himself in danger. Although most of the times he prob won’t listen, he might!!

I think he might be a little annoying, so it’ll make you get angry, but if you talked about it to him.. 100% he’ll try to fix it!

Loves how u look. Honestly probably fell for you bc of it!!

He would probably game with you. And he’d enjoy it so much and be like.. “could you teach me…”

Teach him all your hobbies. PLEASE. HE’D LOVE TO DO IT ALL. He’ll suck butt at drawing and painting but please. It’d be so fun.

He’ll kill all the bugs for you <3

I honestly think at first he’d be scared of thunder, but he’d start to like it, and help you!!

MALLEUS

Definitely found out abt you thru Lilia. Lilia approached you cus of your style and was like… we need to be bsfs.

He’s also pretty quiet, but when you get comfortable around him, he’d LOVE how chaotic you are.

I think he HATES when people are too uptight. And will look to you for a break!!

Malleus might be a frustrating partner since he seems closed off, but i promise its just cause he doesn’t have friends and he needs to learn :(

He’d be so happy to find out the reason you were shy at first is bc you’re awkward and you aren’t scared of him like everyone else.

He’d be fine with whatever you did to him. Honestly if you lash out at him, he’d be a little taken aback but he’d let you let all your emotions out, and try to help you through it all.

I also think he’d suck at art. At first. I think he’d pick it up super quickly. He’s pretty good at everything.

I think at first he’d also suck at comforting but after a while he’d be super great at it.

~~

I HOPE THIS WAS OKAY <3

[totallynoteggos]

lol hey this is just a vent post abt my life rn I don’t really expect any on u to read this

Tw if you do read this: talk of Anxiety, ppl not understanding neurological limitations, talk of vauge self exit and SH (its very minor) overall vent post shit

Sorry u have to see me in such a shifty mental state but I need to get this off my chest before I resort to violence

Once again, not KND stuff this is a Vent Post

I’m not neurotypical by any means I'm on some spectrum but all we know so far is that I have OCD and Anxiety. Also I'm going into the 9th grade which that In of itself is a stressful situation but in the last four years I've never stayed in the same school so seeing the same people is hella new to me. I have this really bad habit of going no contact with people after the school year is over because I usually never see them again. My mom can't seem to understand that there are simply things I can't do because of the anxiety & OCD (and I'm not using this as a reason to act out or defy her) abt 2 weeks ago we went to get food, now usually I order my food to make sure I get what I like and not have a mixup. And pls notice this was after a week long “vacation” that ended up being stressful and draining. But anyways there was a mixup and I ended up with a burger with all toppings instead of plain, which caused me to panic because I was hungry and stressed before already. And instead of trying to accommodate she stood firm in her beliefs that I need to get over it and just eat the damn burger. And I heavily insisted on not eating it and eating the fries instead. After a argument (and at the instance of my grandma) she bought me another burger and while in line I told her outright that there are some things that I physically can't do or else they send me into a panic. She that said that she “gets that” but I don't have to act out In front of my grandma which she idolized. And now like I said with the whole start of school she's saying “it wont be your best years if you don't let it be your best years” but I don't think she understands that I don't know how to do that. I've moved around a lot and I've been made fun of a lot due to my interests, hobbies and simply just to be the clown. Most of the people I befriend end up getting annoyed or just keep me around until I say something that doesn't make me the dumb and “quirky” one. And like I said I suck at keeping contact and now everyone still has their old friend groups and mine just see me as a joke or weirdo now. Its stressing me out so much and its only been two days, hell yesterday I would have thrown up from the stress but because I was so stressed I didn't eat shit so I didn't throw up. School stresses me out so much it's unimaginable, its the people, the sounds, the halls, the fact that people won't leave you alone, someone always talking or screaming, just please shut the fuck up so I can learn and be out of here. And god its so fucking hard not feeling what everyone else around you feels. My moms getting upset at me for not wanting to go on the busses when I have gone on one and it left 20 fucking minutes from my house cus the lady was screaming and I got scared as was about to cry. And now she wants me to try again with kids I don't fucking know who some how don't know personal space or manners. And back to the emotions things, why the fuck don't I feel the same as them, god I feel so fucking robotic compared to my mother and everybody else but they also make me feel like a god damned mutt. On one hand they think it's weird that I don't want to talk or to Interact but somehow don't realize that it's their fault I don't want to, and on the other hand whenever I'm upset or angry and actually show it its MY fault. Because apparently since I'm the youngest of my family im supposed to have the personality of pinkie pie and I have no problems. And because I'm quiet, friendly or just shy and I'm supposed to control my emotions because I'm a “young lady”. I've tried talking to my mom about home school because my school has that as a option but she says that I can't hide when she's been doing that too. Sometimes I feel like she cares more for the happiness of those she wants to impress rather than that of her family. But god if all of life feels like this then count me out cus its too much to be alive right now. I think ima take a shot or three of night quill and hopefully sleep until ITs to late to go to school

Goodnight

[brechtian]

hey so ik you JUST got an ask about the waves but. can i ask about the waves too

okay so virginia woolf is like FAMOUS for her feminist novels and to me it almost seems like the waves is the odd one out. i just reread it (and annotated, and underlined, and highlighted, and tabbed, and pronounced it one of my favorite books because HOW COULD YOU NOT ITS SO WONDERFUL AND THOUGHT-PROVOKINGG AND POETIC) and although i love it the female characters seem to have more stereotypically feminine roles. i checked the introduction of my copy (intro by molly hite) and saw that it said "The Waves did not offer such exemplary female characters or themes: Indeed, it gave its female characters stereotypical feminine persuits, while its male characters were writers and also active in the public sphere."

there wasn't much elaboration in the intro however (i might be wrong about this though, i lowkey hate reading introductions it's my fatal flaw i'm sorry) except that later on feminists re-examined the waves and looked at subtext. (like how rhoda is a lesbian icon now bc of the mrs lambert passage)

but still, susan is housewife and mother, a stereotypically feminine role (i adore susan but analyzing characters sometimes means discarding some emotional connection for me) and jinny is the romantic sensualist. idk i love jinny and susan but yk i'm just thinking about their roles specifically regarding gender roles HELP IDK I'M PROBABLY MAKING A FOOL OUT OF MYSELF RN AND AM MISUNDERSTANDING SMTH REALLY MAJOR IM SORRY

i was just wondering your thoughts on this?? i mean i just stumbled across your tumblr a few days ago from this other (kind of boring but likes-the-waves-too) blog and you seem to have really interesting opinions abt the waves !! no pressure to respond obv

Hi!! I’m about to get on a plane to London so I will see if I’m able to get all my thoughts out in time. I’ll begin by saying that I’ve read a fairly considerable body of scholarship surrounding the waves, but none of that was particularly feminism-focused scholarship (it was primarily formalism, biographical crit, and analyses of spirituality, science, & metaphysics in the novel with some post colonialism thrown in), so most of this is based off of my personal analysis and discussions I’ve had with my Virginia Woolf professor. I actually love the women in The Waves, but I think a pivotal starting point is the understanding that all of the characters in The Waves function as concepts and ideas first and as actual people second. With that said, I think it is notable that there is not a female artistic/scholarly presence in the book beyond the vaguely mentioned, never-named woman writing in her room (often viewed as being Woolf herself). Originally The Waves included a narrator character that was female and felt very much like a stand-in for Woolf, and I wonder if that was meant to sort of be the female writer/intellectual presence in the novel but got cut to make the book cleaner. Regardless, each of the women are functioning both as archetypes and commentary on their archetypes.

Jinny is probably the least obviously a critique, but I think you definitely very clearly still get it in some moments where she links sexuality and sensuality with violence and objectification.

I also read some criticism that discusses how Jinny as a character can be seen as combatting the solipsism in the book by conveying the possibility and beauty of living physically in one’s own being & that the flesh cannot be ignored, finding a kind of power and importance in the female body (which feels very cixous second wave feminism). Overall, though, I think it’s a discredit to Woolf to not view Jimmy as an explicit examination of her archetype.

Rhoda & Susan are my girls and my favorite characters in the entire novel. If Susan is not just the most brilliant and breathtaking critique of the wife-mother expectation of women of the time what is. One of the most heartbreaking passages in the entire book to me is when Susan, who found freedom and joy in nature and movement and being one with the outside world (exacerbated by continuous connections between her and animals & nature), is confined to moving exclusively between the rooms of her house. She even immediately evokes the image of the dead mother as she goes. (Additionally, the end of this passage gets into post-colonialist critique, as Susan clearly symbolizes the upper-middle class white women who stayed at home as their husbands colonized India/Africa and directly benefitted from & supported colonization even if they were not actively violently participating)

Susan also holds so so so much anger, like violent fury, the exact opposite of what one would expect from the perfect housewife, and her motherhood is portrayed really as something more animalistic than anything. I also love that her husband is like completely irrelevant to both her and the book; even though becoming a housewife is a horrible restraint placed upon her I think Woolf is playing with expectations by the husband being a nameless shadow and just a vehicle for Susan to get her child (AND functioning as a commentary on the absence of men’s presence and aid in the domestic sphere). I think knowing about Woolf’s opinion of motherhood (continued horror & fascination by it) and her complex feelings surrounding her sister’s motherhood rly adds to understanding why Susan is Like That and so fierce in her nurturing. I also love the passage early on where Susan talks about crumpling the calendar pages in balls and discarding them, her vengeant war against time itself.

RHODA!!! I’m literally getting a Rhoda tattoo that’s my girl my girl!!!!!!! She is psychosis she is transcendence and isolation and mirrors and the waves itself my god. Rhoda is the moon tarot Rhoda is Inland Empire from disco elysium. There is a very fragile membrane between the characters of the waves and Something Larger (my whole capstone paper was on occult spirituality in the waves and my planned future masters thesis will be on ghosts and souls in Woolf’s work), maybe God or the Universe but symbolized in the novel as the ocean of which the characters function as individual waves, but Rhoda is the one for whom this membrane is the most frayed. I honestly don’t know if I have much to say about Rhoda from a feminist perspective other than I find her fascinating and that while I don’t usually encourage overly biographical readings of Woolf it becomes very very apparent if you know Woolf’s diaries and letters well that Rhoda is a mirror of Woolf’s own periods of poor mental health. I guess it relates in that to me Rhoda is of course a woman because she is the most explicitly connected to Woolf herself (in Hermione Lee’s biography, she presents the reading of each of the characters of the waves as members of the Bloomsbury group and Rhoda is picked out as the Woolf parallel. I don’t agree with this reading but it is significant to me how immediately Rhoda is identifiable with Woolf). Okay I’m about to board my flight but if you want to talk any more about the waves or have more specific questions about anything I said let me know!!!

RHODA YOU WILL ALWAYS BE FAMOUS!!!

[seattlesellie]

this is super random (also this is my first msg to u hi <3) and i’m honestly asking this generally to anyone else who also happens to read this, but recently i’ve realized my sexual orientation and come to the conclusion that i’m like REALLY attracted to women (as a woman myself ofc). so obv this made me also think abt how someday i’m gonna have to tell ppl close to me abt this but i’m literally losing my mind cause i’m NAWT vulnerable especially w/ my parents 😭 and also i just now was watching a tiktok live that was full of homophobic ppl and whenever i see that on the internet, it makes me wanna go deeper in the shell (or closet lmao) that i already am in. like it makes me realize how many horrible ppl there are that won’t accept smth so simple (i’m also very emotional as u can see 😍) so like tbh i’m not sure what i’m seeking here but ig i’m just curious if u or anyone else has felt like this/what helped u come out? like it’s so hard for me to be open and as someone who recently graduated and is going to uni, in a completely diff country alone, i’m gonna have more freedom and if i were to date another girl, it’d feel unfair to my parents if i didnt say anything prior abt my identity. ik they’re also very supportive, which i’m thankful for, but i just HATEEE vulnerability. idk man :( it’s also very weird finally realizing more abt myself. it makes me SO happy yet so so so scared? aarrghh idk sorry abt this long message, u seem like the nicest person and this place feels safe, so i just felt like i could ask/find some kind of relatability. 💗 sorry again for this long ass rant LOLS 🌟

okokok im gonna tell u my coming out story because i can awfully relate to this ?? n adding a read more cos this is so long sorry <333 🤧

literally knew i liked girls my entire life and like suppressed the shit out of it. would try and date guys all throughout highschool and would feel so terrible afterwards… but like you, i was super uncomfortable with that type of vulnerability and also barely had any gay friends, let alone any gay female friends. so i spent my life just thinking im gonna be in the closet forever !! until i met my now ex gf, she would constantly be sleeping over— but i did the classic thing of telling my parents she was just my new best friend, until one day my dad was like… be so fr rn are you two dating. like you said, my parents are also very liberal and supportive (especially my dad), but still— it made me panic and drop a mug and deny deny deny !! then, after being together for like 6 months it was incredibly hard to hide it, and obvs she felt super uncomfortable bc i was super closeted and she was super out. so i kind of had to come out to my parents (i hid under a blanket and told them i have an important thing to say n then they already somehow knew). my parents and i literally never talked about these things like my mom didn’t even know about my first kiss or literally NOTHING about me, we didn’t have that type or relationship at all so i can relate to u so hard !!but like here’s the thing— i don’t think it would be unfair to your parents, this is your story to tell and you should do it when you feel comfortable enough, and if it takes you dating a girl for that then so be it. you shouldn’t worry about other peoples feelings about this, as this is yours to tell and not theirs! as long as you’re in a safe environment, coming out can truly be such a big fucking relief !! like that absolute weight that drops out of your chest is so so freeing. if the people who are close to you love you— they will accept you. if they won’t? truthfully, they don’t deserve u and never have. about the homophobia, its always going to be here, unfortunately for us hateful and bigoted people will always exist, and that can be extremely stressful and painful, which is why surrounding yourself with people from your own community is so so important and necessary. uni is such a good place to do that !! so many new people to meet and especially queer people to surround yourself with !! i super understand your fears but the good things that happen after you come out— that feeling of no longer needing to hide yourself is so so worth it 💗💗💗💗

[crystallizedkingdoms]

Ship With Under 5 Works: Johann/John

The first and final kiss. An elegy.

wc: 1,271 // tw: major character death

day 4 of @do-you-ship-this-taz-ship’s TAZ Rarepair Event!! i was excited for this day :] im kind of obsessed with these two tbh. please read my Peacemaker fic first for the context of this fic, but if you really don’t wanna, just know that Johann is a Bird and specifically took Merle’s role as Peacemaker with John. and they were kinda gay tension abt it

you can also read this on ao3 <3

“You know, out of the two of us, I expected myself to be the one who's worse off.”

Johann manages to blink through the pain to realize he’s no longer bleeding out in Fisher’s Chambers. Instead, he lies slumped in a familiar stage he swore he would never see again. A stage he wished that Fisher’s child had taken from his memory permanently.

He has to crane his neck to the side to see the source of the voice, but the act sends a blinding pain across his body. Johann cries out in agony, shutting his eyes tight and pressing his hands against the deep wound that the Hunger had left him outside of parley. He almost forgets the voice and its words entirely as he desperately tries to cradle his injury, but it does not allow Johann that peace for long.

Rough hands covered in black and opal cracks slide their way onto both of Johann’s sides, one of them up against his wound. “I am very sorry for the state they have left you in, Johann,” John says, ignoring Johann’s hisses of pain. “Let me help—”

“Get off of me. You did this to me. You’re killing me. Stop acting like you are any different than this horrible nightmare you’ve made,” Johann seethes.

“Johann, please listen to me. I’m not really in charge here anymore. The Hunger no longer has the priorities I set, this isn’t ascension anymore, looking to surpass existence and its rules. It’s just hungry. It’s going to consume everything in its path.”

“So what? Is that why you brought me here? You saw me dying, failing to protect my Fisher, and you— you rip me away from it, to— to watch me die? To let me get consumed by all this…”

One of John’s hands grips Johann by the jaw. “You know I wouldn’t want that to happen to you,” he whispers. Though Johann’s eyes are still shut tight, he can feel John’s wavering breath hitting his cold face. He must be close.

“Then why? More lectures? More questions, more fucking information? I can’t give any of that to you anymore—”

“No, of course not. I didn’t bring you here for that, Johann, I just… I genuinely just brought you here to say… goodbye to someone. Goodbye to you.”

The words hurt more than all the wounds across Johann’s body. He hates that John’s words still affect him in this way. After all the years of hearing him out, shutting him down, and then forgetting him for a decade; it should've been enough to disenchant him. Except now, all it does is hurt him.

“Look at me,” John whispers. He’s even closer to Johann now. The tips of his hair tickle Johann’s forehead, breath mingled with the splattered blood on his cheek, and most painfully, the thumb on his face begins to caress the side of his jaw. “Please. Look at me.”

Against his better judgment, Johann opens his eyes. He’s greeted with John’s face, which has that same silvery allure that it had all those decades ago since they last met, now with all oozing colourful rifts that stream off of his skin. But Johann also sees the last emotion he ever expected on that painfully handsome face that he hates so much. Johann sees worry.

“You’re as beautiful as ever. Even when you’re like this.”

“John, stop it. I don’t want to hear this from you while I’m dying. We were never like this.”

“I have had these thoughts with you for almost a century. Never spoken because of our situation. Let me say it, damn it.”

“I’m dying.”

John shakes his head. His breathing grows even more ragged as he presses harder against Johann’s bleeding side. “No,” he says, “you’re not. I won’t let them. I will not let you die because of them. You’re going to live, and I am going to talk to you, I— I had a whole thing planned out. Our stage. Our chess game. Our dance. I just didn’t expect you to be in this state.”

Planned. John had plans for them. “John.”

“But you won’t die, you won’t, I will keep you alive. One of us is going to have to live. It’s going to be you.”

Johann cries. Tears stream down his face, finally breaking past his defences. “John. I don’t want to die here. I don’t want to die where they can’t see me—”

“You’re not going to die—”

“—I don’t want them to forget about me!”

John is fully on top of Johann now. His legs almost straddle Johann’s hips, and he presses his forehead against Johann’s bloody one, searching for that closeness. “That’s not going to happen. Not out there. And certainly not in here,” John says. He stares Johann down with wide, crazed eyes. He breathes a little too hard. “You’re going to be safe. Remembered. Stay, please. With me.”

Johann’s lip quivers.

John leans down and kisses it. He presses his lips hard against Johann’s and doesn’t back down. Johann, against everything he thought he learned over their time together and their time apart, closes his eyes and kisses him back. 

It hurts. More than anything, every movement hurts. Blood taints it all, spilling into their mouths as they deepen the kiss. John’s hands and body press so tight against Johann’s, agitating every single bleeding wound on him, and he sobs into John’s kiss. Johann’s heart hurts, aching that this is how it had to happen. This is how they finally end. That they were distant all the way through their strange, cyclical lives. That they could only close the gap as the cycle finally ends. And it hurts.

The pain suddenly sears to unimaginable levels, and Johann’s eyes fling open as he keens into John’s lips. What he sees are eyes, wide and unfaltering, staring at him with intense fervour. Two of them would be John’s, so close to Johann’s face it makes it hard to see the Hunger’s hundred eyes staring at the spectacle from all around the stage.

Johann opens his mouth to warn John, but John takes it as a sign to kiss even harder. The Hunger’s eyes narrow, their intensity increasingly scorching with rage, as Johann and John melt together in this dying embrace.

And then John starts to scream.

Long, tendril-like arms tear through the hard floors of the theatre stage they lay in and seize John. More dart from the curtains, dragging John up and off of Johann’s weakened body. They tear at him, digging into the rifts already in his body and tugging them to rip the skin even further. They drag John down into the hard stage floor, ripping him away from the dying man he had finally caught up to. John reaches towards Johann and screams the whole way down.

Johann throws his body at John even as it further tears at his wounds. He wraps his arms around John and locks him into an embrace, weakly attempting to pull him away from those arms. John tries to embrace him back, but it is no use; those twisting arms pull him further and further down by his arms, until they are both so close to the ground. Soon to be overtaken.

“John, don’t leave me here. Please don’t let me die alone.”

“Stay alive! Break the bonds, Johann, break—”

And then John is gone. Johann collapses onto the ground where John was, smearing blood in the process. John is gone, the stage is gone, and Johann is alone.

The Hunger’s eyes turn to stare at Johann. He stares right back.