#sooooo uh

[acewritingpoetry]

I'm sorry I'm not in First Love love with you -

I'm sorry I can never give you that.

I'm sorry I gave my First Love love to someone else…

Who didn't have my First first love either.

I'm sorry I can never love you the way I loved my First Love (stay with me).

Never cautious and doubting;

never giddy learning I could be Loved;

never wholly and fully open, in a language only he could understand;

never confident in the years - not now.

I'm sorry I never waited months to change "I like you" to "I love you,"

or years to change "I love you" to "I'm in love."

I'm sorry I can never love you the way I loved learning his softness or helping him feed it.

I'm sorry I learned him at the same time I was learning so many aspects of myself.

To him, I'm sorry that I know him.

I'm sorry at times that I ever Knew him the way I did.

I'm sorry I know how he needs a love like a wildfire...

He shattered me so quickly when we were through.

I'm sorry that he knows me.

That when he Noticed me over a beer the next year, he had to laugh and say,

"some things never change."

I'm sorry to him, that he has to know me.

I'm sorry he has to devote a place in his history

to the things that are true about me -

to the things that were true about Us.

~

I'm sorry I'm not in Forever Love love with you.

I'm sorry: I could love you until the end of days but

I'm sorry, I cannot love you the way I love my brother.

Never so uncertain from year to year

and yet so core; so kindred; so vital.

I'm sorry I could never love you careful,

wishing I had more sway over the way you read our father’s lips.

I'm sorry I could never absorb you into my sense of self

or mark our histories on my skin.

I'm sorry I could never love you the way I love my mom. My dad.

Never angry, secure, undaunting, guaranteed.

Never vile and never pitch perfect beautiful.

I'm sorry I’ll never fight with you until we both feel insane,

only to quietly come back to the same room after some time

and clear the air with a story

told slow and long.

I'm sorry I could never trust you so deeply,

and break down, time after time when I realize you’ve been there forever.

~

I'm sorry I could have never loved my First Love the way I love you.

Never hot and disbelieving and totally overwhelmed,

Never open in a way I didn't know before,

Never so near to the comfortable discomfort of home.

Never surprised.

I'm sorry I could have never been so beautifully grateful as I am with you, for the ways

your differences from me make me breathe more tight,

but more easily.

I'm sorry I never cared that much to know him the way I care to know you -

Invested in your secrets,

Yearning for your mysteries,

Wishing I could share every gleaming facet of you with the whole world.

I love you, and I'm sorry how you hold me,

And I love you, and I'm sorry how you soothe me, 

And I love you, and I'm sorry how you want to know me too.

I'm sorry I kept thinking in the book you gave me -

The heart in your heart -

That the beautiful pieces of Forever laid down

And intoned,

"I've never loved before, Or if I have it was nothing, And I'll never love again Or if I do it's make believe, All for you, all for you!"

But, I'm sorry, I heard.

And I'm sorry, that’s not true for me.

I have loved

and loved and loved

and I hope I will love

again and again and in all different ways.

I hope I love you again and again

I hope I love you every day new

Every day different

Every day, a love song in a new key.

You deserve it and so do I.

You deserve me and so do I…

And you, and us.

I'm sorry, my love, I love you so well, and so wrong, and so stupid

with all the wrong words

and a fraction of the right reverence.

I'm sorry I apologize when really,

I love you,

I’m not sorry.

Written 5/1/23

[mazeyphaedra]

i enjoy rewatching kristen’s scene with buddy because like. imagine your locker just got tagged and ur trying to be diplomatic about it because you’re in a public hallway so you try to keep appearances right? you’re running for president! but the sticker was of ur rival’s party and not even for her campaign. anyway you ignore that because this pasty rotten proselytizer has just mentioned to you apparently absolving himself of whatever horror his spells have wrought in assigning agency to..god? by the raising of his hand in a twisted form of praise? and your brain is going a mile a minute trying to connect the hazy frayed edges of thought he’s leaking out (grades are of the material world)(i pray before during after football games we win)(helio doesn’t make mistakes, kristen)(helio’s holding onto us tight)(they’re all gonna go straight to hell) and you are looking into a mirror of your past and seeing the zeal simmering underneath his gall now. how dare he? really? (every cleric has to have some kinda deity, right?)(i don’t feel any control over life) and in your head you see yolanda, who severed ties to her divinity to teach with compassion and a fairness that must’ve been in itself holy, dead. (i don’t hold tight, ‘cause i’m in someone’s hand.) and you worry about bucky, about what he could become without you holding him tight (i’m happy to look after him.) and your muscles tense up as you smile politely, a smile that doesn’t quite reach your eyes stony, impassive, like the wall you’re building to keep this serpent from striking at those you love. (careful.) and you, ready to defend, say, i’ll fucking show you.

[hyolks]

man surprised to find that he is the most normal person in the room

[carpetbug]

he’s so fucked

[dailypearldoodles]

Day 563

The happiest of farewells to Season 9 of Hermitcraft, what an amazing season truly. Pearl truly outdid herself this season with her beautiful and colorful and absolutely lively megabase, honestly me and Mod Cosmic cannot do it justice XD I started this doodle endeavor a bit of ways into S9 and I hope to make it last throughout S10. Thank you Pearl and all the hermits for a wonderful season and I can't wait to see what they do next :D

[sweetpapercroissant]

this scene is so funny to me because this. dramatic ass mf. kept the note in dean’s room. on dean’s bed. even weeks after he’s gone. and he just. walks in there all maudlin to pick it up and read it and brood. then put it back down there and walk out. rinse and repeat. for 6 weeks.

[mx-nada]

some of my AB gijinkas but chibi-ified

[comradeocean]

1. i found myself explaining it to people i know who weren’t there, and realized that the defining thing about the phenomenon was the way they were working class in a specifically british way - not unique but very distinct from the us boy band (was explaining this to a zoomer mark fisher fan so she got it). people remember that liam wanted to be a fireman but forget what he actually said was “i would have worked in the factory or maybe been a fireman.” liam specifically

I have not been able to shut up about this since it happened. like, I have this whole half-baked theory about 1d being the last act to be globally popular before the total hegemony of the US centric (internet) monoculture. it seems quaint now, how Liam still talked about things being American or Hollywood, and then self-consciously defining himself in opposition to that. I feel celebs don't necessarily do that anymore? like influencer culture has cut off tall poppy syndrome and assorted post-war anglo inferiority complexes off at its knees. which are, again, also such classed expressions as well!

the other wild thing about Liam's vocational aspirations is fireman was probably like fourth or fifth down the list. closer to soundbite fodder. in the same interview where he talks about his family being in massive amounts of debt, and the aeroplane factory where his dad worked as a fitter, he reveals this whole plan he had, where at the age of sixteen he'd done up the sums of the apprentice wages he was expecting at the factory, the 60 pounds given to his parents for boarding, and then made a budget for SAVING UP FOR PROPERTY. bc SINCE CHILDHOOD he'd been obsessed with renovation shows and the idea he'd buy a shit place, fix it up, then rent it out, over and over again, AND somehow key to this scheme as he was describing it, was that he himself would continue living in rentals or with his parents, at sixty pounds a month! I mean it's possible I've misremembered, but I'm fairly certain that was the gist. and don't even get me started on the whole nft thing or him being a depop girlie!!!!!!!!!! talk about being a child of post thatcher's britain

[also so funny you are the second person to bring up mark fisher unprompted in response to that post]

EDIT FORGOT TO MENTION as part of my Why 1d rabbit hole, I was trawling through the bios of other 2010s boyband wannabes and the majority of them were soooo posh like I shit you not the xfactor product the following year had a member who was an award winning ex jockey

[aristoteliancomplacency]

I present to you the work of another painter of fish plates. Y’know how you use ‘scare quotes’ for various purposes, including indicating that you’re not actually sure about The Thing?

Well, this guy was so bad at whatever he was painting that we call him…

The ‘tadpole’ painter:

Here’s another example:

This one was sold as part of the Graham Geddes collection at Bonham’s auction house in 2008 for £2,040.

They describe it as ‘three fish including a wrasse with dorsal spines, an angler-fish, the rounded body with multiple black dots, two large round eyes with pupils, an open mouth with teeth bared, and a ray with pointed face, the body with multiple black dots’.

Which like… bold fucking move missing out the fact that they have legs. Though I can’t say I envy whoever had to write the description.

[im-smart-i-swear]

ok google voltron legendary defender season 6 episode 5 the black paladins free online watch where

[huidol]

happy valentines 👍 day

[jakotsuto]

I think the truly tragic thing is that “Kagome kidnapped by the Band of Seven” is a ship trope for her to fall in love with Bankotsu and vice versa or something, when it should be about all the potential humour and hijinks from that scenario.

Kagome is absolutely no damsel in distress, and she’s very opinionated. When kidnapped by Hiten and Manten, she tricks them into taking her to Inuyasha— and pushes Manten off of his own cloud because he’s trying to team up on Inuyasha, even at risk of herself.

She slaps Koga in the face and protects Shippo when they’re captured by the wolves— in the words of Inuyasha, “She’s probably got them cleaning their cave.”

So there is so, SO much potential comedy there.

Particularly, I think it’d be extremely funny if Kagome picked up on some of the dynamics in-group and started trying to matchmake Bankotsu and Jakotsu.

(Incredibly bold to try and get your captors laid.)

It’d also be pretty funny if she picked up on Renkotsu’s obvious scheming. And maybe blackmail him about it.

Inuyasha comes to rescue her and she’s just sitting and having tea with Jakotsu or something. Braiding flowers or something and talking about their love lives.

[mazeyphaedra]

There’s a moment where you see there’s still deep attraction here.

Franz Kafka, Letters to Felice // Brennan Lee Mulligan, Fantasy High: Junior Year // Lev St. Valentine, THIS IS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU // Lev St. Valentine, HOPE YOU’RE WELL. PLEASE DON’T READ THIS. // Mitski, I’m Your Man // Siobhan Thompson, Brennan Lee Mulligan, & Ally Beardsley, Fantasy High: Junior Year // Trista Mateer, You Couldn’t Just Leave? // Steven Espada Dawson, Elegy for the Four Chambers of My Brother’s Heart // Natalie Diaz, Wolf OR-7 // Ally Beardsley & Brennan Lee Mulligan, Fantasy High: Junior Year

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

Laughingstock at 3am

"Would you still love me if I was a worm?"

"You are a worm go to bed"

ehehehehehhhhh yeah....

bonus <3

[setacin]

Limited Life 6&7: Struggling for Life

[nouearth]