#sometimes. genuinely but its fully like. nothing matters for me up there. i dont think theres any reason to keep going

[dirt-str1der]

WHY DID YOU FEEL THE NEED TO TELL ME ABOUT YOUR AROACE SENKU HEADCANON ON MY GAY SENKU AND TRANS REI POST

Just finished Dr Stone Reboot

[yelloworangesoda]

god maybe its the. depression. but i just dont see beauty in the world anymore

[inamagicalhallucination]

natsuo not forgiving his dad but making peace with his past and moving on was actually really great; and i liked where endevour ended up -- even now its hard to say everyone's fully moved on from his abuse -- becuz thats not how it works, i think ive said it before but endeavors redemption arc always confused me becuz compared to characters like bakugo, his was so weak -- and that i thought (and still do) it was done on purpose

bakugo's growth is shown at a very slow and gradual process, when he apologizes to izuku, he's not only realized he was awful, he's already been actively better and he's already grown -- also bakugo's pre-arc self doesn't compare to endeavor who literally abused his entire family, leading his wife to a breakdown, his son to death and then villiany, along with many other things -- im only comparing them becuz they both had redemption arcs written by the same author not becuz i think theyre comparable

bakugo's actions werent good by any means but he, per every arc, gradually changed over and over, not only how he treated izuku but how he thought of him and how he acted overall (all the while retaining his loud personality lmao)

endeavor on the other hand essentially got what he wanted, realized he was a piece of shit and /then/ tried to make it up -- it wasnt like bakugo who was already being better when he apologized -- who was waiting to apologize -- endeavor's arc, in that way felt insincere

altho the scenes where endeavor tries to be a better father and todoroki ignores him are funny, they also show that endeavor just kind of tries to flip the switch -- there's not gradualness, no process, one day he's just like "well enough of being awful" but the thing is, why would siblings who have been hurt their entire life not want some aspect of love? of course it makes sense that even tho natsuo was the least likely to be willing to forgive endeavor, some times u thought that maybe... but natsuo could never forgive him, could never pretend that nothing happened and that they were family now, and that was perfect for him becuz he didn't owe endeavor anything

even when the dabi-touya reveal happens, endeavor fails to actually take action/responsibiltiy over his abuse of his family -- he's vocal about wanting to change, he tries to play up some reselblance of a father, but he fails to genuinely show growth most of the times (not to say he's never had moments where his regret is obvious, just that there are a lot of moments where he should be doing something but doesnt)

endeavor's arc is a show that sometimes u regret what u've done and u try to change, but u fail at it, sometimes apologies dont account for anything, sometimes people dont forgive u -- its a show that no every character arc is meant to end with the character forgiven --- endeavor says that he'll continue apologizing and give reparations for his crimes for the rest of his life, he accepts that that means nothing to natsuo and that natsuo wants to move on w/o him, he says he'll take the blame, that he chose to dance, so he'll take the consequences -- its a very bleak ending but it fits his arc the best -- endeavor was not able to really fix anything -- he did not fix his family, he did not save touya, he did not earn the love of his children, but he finally became ready to actually repent, without expecting anything in return

to clarify, i dont think that endeavor's regret is insincere, by the way, i think he does regret what he did to his family, however his regret for the abuse he forced hsi family through does not dictate how his family should react, no matter how sincere the regret, the apology, or the love, no one is required to forgive and move on -- and natsuo could not do that, but at the very least, becuz of endeavor's change, he was finally able to have some peace with it all

finally, the touya situation

the todoroki family is genuinely hell for me, the touya/dabi-shoto interaction killed me, i think ppl forget that touya's so called hatred for shoto is stemmed from the endeavors actions and abuse, touya is able to recognize that its not really shoto's fault but he cant /help/ but have all that anger in him anyway becuz of endeavor -- all of touya's siblings were born for the sole reason of being his replacement

in another life, the todoroki siblings would have loved and cherished each other, in another like touya would have been shoto's big brother and shoto would have been his little brother, they would have had soba together, they would have trained together, they would have all been a family

the "shouto im sorry" and touya crying was the worst and best thing horikoshi has ever done

[sethdomain]

Okay, don't answer this but ya, I don't know what that anon is on about you're completely right. That ending was bad, really really bad, and attempting to approach it from a centrist's viewpoint when c!Dream is genuinely at fault for everything that ever happened to c!Tommy rubs me the wring way. Liek, that's victim blaming, you're blaming c!Tommy for being abused by c!Dream when it's fully the fault of his own deluded obsession with him. There is no, "Oh, they both were wrong." because HE WAS HIS ABUSER AND HE WAS HIS VICTIM. The only reason it even ended that way is because cc!Dream was outed for being a vile evil little man and the story hit too close to home and he needed good PR and to pretend as if he wasn't exactly what his character was. Anyway.

Oh definitely, with that short amount of time trying to go for the centrist point of view for the ending just feel like undermining the story we've gone through. It's shit and it feels lazy for an ending and it just doesnt bring any intresting message to the plate. Like yeah lets just nuke everything bye-bye nothing matter. It's so bad...

You get it, c!Dream is fucking insane and somehow c!Tommy is somehow always blamed for his action and c!Dream is excused because c!Tommy does not act 'right' or in other word does not act in a way that is palatable to people.

I don't get it, why do the narrative in c!Dream and c!Tommy relationship is made with mixed signals, i feel like its that way okay. The narrative always switch up side like sometime it sides with c!Dream and sometimes its c!Tommy, but its done in a very icky way where if its c!Dream sides it always weaponize c!Tommy minor wrecking of building or anything 'annoying' that he has done, but listen its not as awful as c!Dream done. What c!Tommy done is mostly repairable and easy grounding or apology can fix it and most of his action was just him actually goofing around, like what an actual unruly child would do, but then you have c!Dream a grown ass man exiling this kid isolating him, manipulating him, physically abuse him, depriving him of food(sometimes), etc and then im supposed to like think, hmmm yeah sometime c!Tommy is also awful to c!Dream and that he need to fuck off like??????? I dont get it here, I just do NOT get it...

I think the DSMP should have just embraced c!Dream as a fucked up, creepy little villain and maybe it would have been awesome

And LOL, bro was not roleplaying!! Bro is actually obsessed with minor!! But for real, if thats the case that just sucks and scummy of him to use a very passionate project of many other creator to just use as a PR cover up.

[circular-bircular]

Hi, genuine syscorse question

What the fuck does pro endo/ support endos mean? I dont really interact with endogenic systems because we're not in the same circles but I don't think they don't exist or are lying about their experiance.

If I was a vegan and endos werent people would say that I'm not pro eating meat/ supporting eating meat (as far as in aware) but according to a lot of people that is being pro endo. Am I pro endo/ an endo supporter if I say I believe people when they talk about their experiances in their own head?

Is there such a thing as a definition of what pro / supporter of endos are?

Is it anti endo to say I don't know if a system can exist without being formed by trauma?

I am aware it's all pointless and really doesn’t matter, but like it comes up a lot so if you could give me a hint at whats the right thing to say when asked thatd be great. I piss off a lot of systems when I give my real opinion & sometimes when I say Im neutral

-Albert

This isn't going to be what you wanna hear, but... yeah, it's all pointless and the labels mean nothing.

Pro-endo means anything from "I believe endogenics are all just traumagenic systems, but I lie to their faces and pretend I believe them so they can recover sooner" to "I believe them fully about their experiences, systemhood doesn't need trauma" to "actually, endogenic plurality is the best form of systemhood and DID systems who are upset at endogenic systems are just bitter sad losers who are angry they're traumatized and forever broken."

Anti-endo means anything from "I don't believe endogenics exist at all, it's all just DID or fakers" to "I believe in them, but they hurt me so badly that I call myself anti-endo so they fuck off," to "All systems are fake, actually, and you should fucking die if you think you are one"

It's a whole mixed bag!

At its core, pro-endo VS anti-endo is belief VS lack of belief. Believe in endogenic systems? That's pro-endo. Don't believe it? That's anti-endo. But in practice, those labels are so much more varied and nuanced that it is absolutely pointless to try and blanket-statement them.

My suggestion is to avoid the labels and avoid the people who are pissy if you don't label yourself. You shouldn't need to label yourself anyways.

[lemonade-luvr]

I MEAN THATS AS FAR AS I KNOW. to be fair all i’ve heard abt it is You fucking hallucinate shit .thats literally it .

where the fuck did i get the idea you were having hallucinations then......... hmmm. however, i also dont get many hallucinations! at least not visual ones. im much more privy to tactile and auditory stuff!

im gonna infodump. autistic style. and if i accidentally desstroy your worldview, im so sorry. you have been warned.

IT GOT REALLY LONG SORRY FUCKKKKKKKK

schizophrenia is actually very similar to an autism diagnosis! at least from an outside perspective. it comes with flat tone and struggles with facial expressions and all that jazz! it can also make it really hard to think and leads to a very scattered mind??? idk how to describe it . because of the . well we call it brain scramble! i think its called something like word salad though.

the main defining thing about schizophrenia is the presence of psychosis, which is further defined by hallucinations, delusions and paranoia o^_^o

hallucinations CAN include seeing stuff that isnt there, though thats a really simple understanding of visual hallucinations. the visual hallucinations i tend to get are stuff in the corner of my eye and the walls kinda.. Shifting. nothing immediately distressing. but i know there are people with way more scarier things going on.

auditory hallucinations are something i experience a lot more, and theyre just.. hearin stuff that wasnt ever there. my brain loves the discord notification sound and like. splatoon sound effects. sometimes i hear someone yell the body's name!

there are also tactile hallucinations which is feeling a sensation that wasnt real. we get these ones the most. a good example isssss well rn im getting The Bugs. like buddy theres no bugs here you are feeling hair probably and yet even then i still feel it eugh eugh eugh. our headmates can make use of our tactile hallucinations to give me pats on the head though, which is nice o^_^o

delusions are simply believing something that isnt true wholeheartedly. i dont reallly like to share mine because im scared of people playing into them or thinking theyre cringe BUT i will share that we have fully believed ourselves to be in future london before. which is really fucking funny you are allowed to think this is funny. we are in the wrong country for that buddy. you can be fully aware that somethiing isnt true and still believe it! its fucked up! they should make that illegal. these are the mind killer i hate these little bastardsssssss... delusions are very versatile. its also like thinking mundane things are signs.... theres a lot to say on delusions.

paranoia is the one thats really easy to comprehend its just intense and unfounded anxiety. me when i overthink everything to death. me when everyone on the bus knows im gay.

also it makes it really hard to Word Shit. sometimes i cannot comprehend the english language despite it being the only one i fucking know. On that Topic. Sorry if this is Incomprehensible. i actually genuinely Cannot Tell. its usually fine but sometimes i just feel like i cant get ANYTHING across correctly.

impaired motor coordination is also a thing? which makes it hard for me to type sometimes and also do things like, idk, drink my monster energy without spilling it and pissing off charles. sorry charles. damn. UH theres also a lot of repetitive behaviours, and catatonia. it can come with memory issues and FATIGUE BIIIIITCH and BUDDY am i FEELING the fatigue today. AUGH AUGH AUGH.

oki think thats all i have to say on the matter unless u have questions

i feel so fucking nuts right now i dont know if its the rush of i just got to infodump or if im manic :sosonormal: <you are manic <thanks babygirl in my head. god i hope this is comprehensible

ONE TWENTY ONE GUNS 💥

[thisisanude]

there’s no way out and no matter what someone will end up devastated meaning i will end up devastated as well. there is absolutely no way out that makes me not suicidal and accepting that is the hardest thing. part of me wishes it could go back to many months ago and suppress this feeling before it grew into this, because now it’s gotten too much to handle. i want to die all the time pretty much i don’t see any scenario where im happy if i stay alive. dying would. mean i dont have to deal with it. i really wish i could just disappear so bad i dont want to be conscious anymore i want to die i hate everything about living lately i cant handle any more of it. there is nothing that can fix this and its all fully 200% my fault which is the worst part. i understand why so much of spring semester felt too perfect and felt like something bad was coming, bc it was. i got some big wins and some big happy moments before some of the worst months of my life where i feel absolutely stuck and hopeless and out of control in every single way. i feel like im not even controlling my actions anymore when i used to be able to just get away with not controlling my thoughts. everything feels hopeless. everything feels like there’s no way out, like im stuck. every option i have of getting unstuck just makes me more suicidal and i can’t handle it. i want to go away. i don’t want to interact with anyone for a long time i want to be put away from every single person including my family and best friends. i don’t wanna talk to anyone or see anyone and most of all i don’t want anyone to see me. being perceived is like the worst thing that could happen at this point i really can’t be perceived in any capacity right now and i just want to wither away into nothing. i can never be truly happy i can’t and every time i have a small amount of hope thinking maybe everything will be ok it gets brushed away. i feel the most alone i’ve ever been in my life and not being able to tell anyone my true feelings has made this that much harder. it’s hard not to start crying in random locations at random times, or sometimes even straight up puking bile. i miss being able to eat normally and not feeling so nauseous all the time. i miss feeling like i am a good person with good intentions. i miss feeling like im myself like im not dissociating as hard as possible and wanting to for once because it’s better than feeling like a human at this time when nothing feels normal at all. i want to puke bile and foam every day. i can’t wait for this era of my life to be over but i think it’s going to get worse before it gets better. i am trying so hard to not cry right now cuz m and a are right there in the same room as me right now. this is genuinely a type of pain i had NEVER felt before and hoped to never feel and i hate it more than anything like i feel like this hurts worse than anything else ive been through, which says a lot because i feel like when my cat died that was the most depressed and hopeless i’ve ever been. but honestly this feels like im even. more depressed and hopeless and way more alone. i had an excuse then. i guess i kinda have one now but not as much as most ppl know. i just want to puke. i cannot handle anything i want to die pretty much all the time please cant i just feel normal again soon. please God, the universe, anybody, please let me feel okay again no matter what that means for my life please let me feel like myself again and like i can be okay again. i don’t know if there will ever be a point when i will be.

[gayspock]

ok night night

genuinely fuckingmadness what doesnt set me off what doesnt make it worse. i knowisound so fucking stupid and i start to go nuts sobbing thinking about how fucking little i must seem. then its like who is even caring that much. then i go nuts BECAUSE nobody is caring that much. then i realise none ofitwill change anything regardlessand it passes me by and im just fucking nobody and nothing. where was i. yeah what doesnt set me the fuck off i dont know i think everything just makes me melt down and i cant find anything. that even remotely fucking offsets it or anything that helps or anyhting at all that i can fucking hold onto like a fucking lifeline that i dont fuck up. and it doesnt matterhow much im exposed to it it just gets worse and worse and worse. i htink its the only thing i can ever fucking do. i think ican do nothing but rememebr the times ive tried to fuckingtalk to people in the past and howmuch of a frustrating fucking force i am but i genuinely donot fucking have anything else in me but fucking rot and even that is a fucking groanworthy fucking melodrama but its fucking true i cant fucking responmd to anything i just fucking let everyone dwn but theres nothing else there to do or to giveand if there really fucking im desperate to fuckingknow but i feel like its jsut circles . every attempt jsut feels like a resounding fucking rejection or fucking failure heres another thing that doesnt work thatmakes it worse thats this thats whatever let me rub it in for you like salt in the fucking wound i think

if eel sick iwth myself and start to go nuts htinking about how fucking hard it is to ever talk to people how fucking little there isleft to even try to do so how fucking isolated i am how little energy i have left in me how theres nothing for anyone to fucking latch onto how even if i somehow summoned enough energy, the sort ive not fucking managed in years, to somehowfind some sort of companionship in even the vaguest most distant of senses something something the loneliness that sets in isnt just that i dont think i can ever fucking try to make a connection anywaybecause i cant fucking do anything but tank it all and insert a fucking litany of otherbullshit and knowing if i could even manage to not be alone for a seocnd it would be gone sof ast when everyone fully fucking understands hoiw muych of a lost cause i am , like the actual fucking anger at how fucking incompetent a person could be and i fucking feel it and iknow its there and no matter how hard i try to fucking fight it because it doesnt matter itnever matters notihng means fucking anything and it hasnt for s so fucking long andi just breakdown i getupset and nothing shifts and its so so fucking pointless how hard it fufcking hurts and it never means anything its jsut so fucking trivial at this point try to fuckign find some fucking thing

i keep jsut getting so angry and hateful in response to everything to evertything and god help me i am trying to fucking bite it down please dont fucking be a cunt and take it out on everyone else but i cant fucking suppress it i fucking want to snap at everyone like who fucking caresany more its fucking nasty and its pathetic butevery time i see anyone else happy i just start to get so so fucking . bitter inside like its not fucking fair type bullshit i fucking hate everyone that has someone else in their life that they cant count the number of conversations theyve had on their hands outside of a work context in the past few years thattheres things they want to live for and things theyre excited about or things theyre even good at and have some fucking purpose in and i start to get fucking angry and upset knowing everyone else just fuckinggets to experience the world even its fukcing hard sometimes but ijust cant even figure out whatswrong with me knowing damn well its just nothing i jsut. pure fucking inadequacy pure fucking emptiness that nothings ever going to fucking fix it and i know nothings ever going to fucking fix it and i try to fucking just letmyself go sofucking much but i just get so fucking mad and uspoet like its anyone elses fucking problem and i cant . seem to fucking getanywhere or do anyhting or feel anything any more i think about howmany days ive just lost to jsut trying to make it fucking go away and somehow thats the best i have thats the best i can do or have ever managed to do and i thinki about the fucking way thats all im capable of i really fucking resent every fucking day i seriously do is anyone else crazy or like

[sphylor]

okay gotta preface this by saying that i dont have any personal experience with muteness like this. please let me know if anything about this is wrong (beyond like. the biology of it fhhf i already know thats Messy at best here)

but what if Aether has a really hard time with not being able to fully heal people sometimes? and what if he has a hard time listening to his patients' wishes when they go against his own wants? (under the cut cus it got too long)

after the transition he was of course one of the people by Dew's bed the most, helping heal him with his quintessence. most of the things he can heal even if they take time. he managed to close the gills that were quickly drying out on his neck and sides, he healed the wounds from where Dew's fins had to be surgically removed, he soothed any burns on his skin. but Dew's voice was left completely destroyed after the transition. Aether managed to get the swelling and inflammation down and reduce the pain whenever he needed to eat or drink but he could repair his vocal cords. he tried and tried repeatedly. he used quintessence, he made Dew drink silly amounts of warm honey and lemon. he tried to get Dew to do vocal warm ups but it just ended up causing him more pain.

by this point Dew had honestly accepted the fact that he would never be able to talk again. he at first felt bad for Aether, seeing his desperation to help Dew get his voice back but soon he felt angry that Aether was so focused on it. like it was the only thing that mattered about Dew. that he couldnt be happy that Dew was still alive and there and present right in front of him or respect Dew's acceptance and try and do the same. Mountain noticed both Aether's obsessive desperation and Dew's frustration and stepped in. when he took Dew out on slow walks around the grounds or when they were in the greenhouse together Mountain started to teach Dew sign language. he was still learning it himself but he had learned enough to teach Dew. and Dew was genuinely so grateful for this. he finally had a way to communicate again without writing everything down. they spent rainy days in the library together reading old books about ghoul sign language that even had illustrations (lets just say that ghoul sign language is something well documented and the abbey has lots of resources on it jhsfbjhd)

Aether found out about this all eventually though and got pissed at Mountain (im imagining that at this point its still only Dew Aether and Mountain and the others havent been summoned yet). Aether accuses Mountain of giving up on Dew and his recovery but Mountain points out that Dew has accepted what has happened and that they were both doing the work to adapt to this new change. Aether's still annoyed and insists he can heal Dew and Mountain gets Angry. Dew, who was napping in his room but got woken up because of the shouting, finds them arguing. Mountain explains why to him and Dew thinks for a moment before turning to Aether. he signs something to him, his anger clear. Aether looks to Mountain to translate and he coughs his throat and tells him he said "you're being a selfish prick. stop thinking that you can fix me when there's nothing that needs to be fixed. stop thinking about me in terms of your own wants. i dont care what you want. this is what i want so fucking deal with it." (or something to that effect djfhjd)

getting those words from Dew finally gets it into his head that hes fucked up and he goes off to think about it. when he comes back after a day of being locked away in his room he signs an apology out to Dew. Dew rolls his eyes and signs out "i can still hear, idiot" but hes got a small smile on his face and knows that Aether was just trying to show him he is trying and willing to make the effort now. Mountain is stood behind Dew like a guard dog the entire time glaring at him but he softens a little when he sees Aether clumsily sign out the apology.

they all learn more sign language, the ministry holds ghoul sign language courses for anyone who wishes to attend (Copia is at every single one. it was his idea in fact hjsfbhj), all new summons are taught ghoul sign language alongside english if they dont already know it, Aether learned a lesson and Dew is happy and content with the way he is.

some other little bits:

i think that Dew can still make a fair few ghoul noises like purring and chuffing and chittering etc etc i think ghouls have two sets of vocal chords (i dont care if this wouldnt work theyre demons from hell if thay can have knots and tentacle dicks they can have two sets of vocal cords shbfjhs) one for ghoulish sounds and one for speech and it was mostly Dew's speech set that got affected. his other set got affected too but that just means all his sounds are a little crackly now dhjbfj

ghouls are pretty good at nonverbal communication anyway with ear flicks and tail movements and eye stuff etc etc so sometimes Dew doesn't even have to sign to communicate as a lot of ghoul conversations can happen in complete silence hfshjs

he of course still has to write a lot of things down especially when communicating with people outside of the abbey when he doesnt have another ghoul around to interprate his signing. but also after new ghouls are summoned too before theyve learned enough sign language to understand what Dew's saying dhsjfb hes patient with new summons. hes less patient with ignorant humans and often signs obsceneties and insults that they will of course never be able to understand while he smiles sweetly at them dsfhjhbdfhjb

what if Dew was left permanently mute by the element transition?

[qveensteph]

lol tw rant: feeling absolutely insane rn. it just feels like the universe is absolutely against me in the oh so insignificant but absolutely top of my mind/main priority of having a romantic relationship. like i’ve gone all of my life without a boyfriend, am i really that undeserving of romantic love?? like i kill myself to be a good potential girlfriend, yet i’m alone. like what the actual fuck. it seems like everyone who wants someone has someone and ppl that are alone choose to be alone. like i’m so over feeling sorry for myself and im so f*cking over begging for this. why should i beg for something? it’s not like i don’t try because i do. i literally put myself out there. i’ve literally been on dating apps, i’ve gone on dates, i go out and do things on my own. i try not to have resting bitch face but no no nooooooooo. it’s just not for me. like am i being f*cking punished? i’m always there listening to my friends about their romantic lives and i’m happy for them, i support them, but after years of hearing everyone talk ab their romantic lives, no matter how fucking shitty their love life is, u just feel awful about urself. (bc at least someone actually likes them enough for them to have a romantic life) like i know i’m beautiful, smart and accomplished, but i just get to this point in which it seems like nothing about me matters (and ik how bad that sounds but it’s my truth) like sometimes i feel like pulling a full cassie howard and just fully surrendering myself to any man that gives me attention. but i know how incredibly bad that is in every aspect of the notion, but that doesn’t mean that every day that i’m still single, that i’m not becoming more and more like szn 2 cassie. and to make matters even worse, everyone’s f*cking surprised when i tell them i’m single and i’ve always been. like they always think i’m lying. and i’m flattered but then i’m ALWAYS sad afterwards. it feels like i’m on the outside of the biggest joke ever. i’ve literally had a random man walk up to me in the street and tell me “your boyfriend is lucky to have you” like thank you, but I DONT HAVE A BOYFRIEND. like why is god punishing me? why is the universe punishing me?? and i’m over all that, “you need to love urself first” bullshit, because i do. i’m basically a straight up narcissist at this point because of how much love i’ve had to pour into myself. yes, i have friends, i have family, i have a promising job, i’m genuinely happy with the rest of my life. my cups are filled up. except this one. it’s literally empty. i just can’t believe how much this literally affects me. it pisses me off that it bothers me so much. like god give me a fucking break. i literally have the most basic standards. respectful, attractive to me, funny, tall, a talker and not ridiculously older than me. like girlllllllllll i am NOT asking for the world. i’m gonna get a tattoo on my forehead that says “LOOKING FOR BF” anyways… i think i feel better. but it doesn’t matter if i feel better now, bc it’s a bandaid on a fucking bullet hole. i’ve dealt with this for years. and i know it goes beyond just being loved, it’s daddy issues, its abandonment issues, it’s fear of vulnerability, it’s feeling unworthy of being loved, it’s so many things. and i’m just so OVER IT. like whatever.

well, :) kisses 💋

pray for me!!! i need it 😀😘

[saccharinemeat]

hi! VERY strong anti here. trying to be civil. just genuinely asking, why do you like proships. genuinely. why. what makes them so good to you? to me, they, well, make me feel nauseous and gross. sometimes even violated depending on what it is. what about these, honestly, gross ships is so good to you? what makes you think they're good? i'm not looking for an argument. just,, answers.

Alright, I'll answer in good faith here, because i really appreciate not picking a fight or an argument

First off, please, don't say , "you like proships" proship doesn't mean "problematic ships", it means "pro" (as in favor of) shipping, that is to say, it's an anti harassment stance on letting people do whatever they want, based off the old fandom saying "ship and let ship"

you dont need to like problematic ships to be proship, you just need to be against harassment of people who enjoy darker or more 'edgy' media, and that's it

As for you question in itself, it's complicated, some problematic ships i enjoy stem from my own trauma and family issues, particularly my abusive mother. Reading and making content with parental incest gives me comfort through the fact that its an inconditional , codependent love. In fiction it feels comforting, but i know reality is way different first hand.

For age gap ships, theres a whole aspect about having someone take care of you, and also again, love regardless of situation, plus there is self insertion as it makes me think of back when i was a teen and had crushes on older people. I couldn't act on them, and I knew that any adult willing to date a child is no good. But within fiction,you can write about it and it would be harmless, generally speaking

For dead dove or more problematic stuff,such as abusive relationships, theres again the desire for love no matter what, and the situations those develop in, are usually trauma bonding for the involved characters

Now, these are not the ONLY reasons i enjoy such ships. There's also the aspect that i just like some of them aesthetically, or i see their chemistry in a romantic light, Or i have a streak of sadism towards a certain character.

Another reason is the potential for interesting fan content, particularly fanfiction, wholesome ships are sweet and cute and can be hot even, but it's all very by the book. The exploration of their emotions, thoughts and actions in messed up situations is more interesting to me

For sibling incest particularly, i just feel that they're usually developed in such a way that it can easily be seen as romantic, since we spend so much time with them, and seeing them fight and bond and laugh and promise to be together, that it just clicks different

and, It's understandable that you feel nauseated and grossed out by a lot of these, in fact, there are problematic ships and tropes i hate and despise, despite the fact that i love other messed up content for example

- I hate bully/victim ships

- I hate uncle/niece ships

- I hate cheating stories

- I hate forced feminization

- I dislike enemies to lovers

- I dislike anything involving characters I consider too young

- I dislike vomit and sick fic

a lot of people love these! but i dont! some of them make my skin crawl! but i dont go and yell at them, i dont comment on their things, I just block them and move on, and focus on the stuff i DO like ,which is what i generally suggest

Fictional exploration of darker stories is okay, and generally harmless. I know the argument that it can be used to groom people, but truly, that's not the fault of the content or its creator, the blame is fully on the groomer.

Also, if we started banning or bashing things that can be used to groom others, we'd have to ban stuff like plushies, candy, adult collectionists of cartoon merch, comics, books,etc etc

ANYTHING can be used to groom a person, if there's a groomer targeting them. nothing is safe if there's an actual pro contact pedophile with the intention to groom a child. The only way to prevent these things is to be taught about them, and to learn to not take life advice from fanfiction, which should be a given.

Like seriously, think about it. let's see, a safe hobby, non fandom related....

okay, imagine theres a minor who's very interested in learning about history and historical maps of the world.

This kid joins an unsupervised group online, and talks about wanting to make friends, and does make some nice, age appropriate friends

They feel generally safe online

Then,a groomer targets them, befriends them and brings up the fact that they collect maps, and they love history just like the kid.

then moves into talking about 'old customs' and starts planting the idea that old societies were in the right about child marriage and so on, until they actually gets what they want, and commits a crime.

The groomer didn't need a fanfic to convince the kid

they just needed to manipulate the child into trusting them, using whatever the kid liked.

who do you think it's at fault here?

the kid? the history book? the group? the internet? Nope.

It's the groomer's fault for targeting the child

and it's the parent's fault for not teaching online safety to their kid.

[thesugarhole]

from my tags

i just think itd be fun to role reversal. something else snaps snippy back into pre bomb dex mode and he says something like, idfk: 'mr hatchenson your ability to hide off grid is remarkable. they had to send the best of the worst just for you' (he wouldnt fucking say that but you know me lmao) (I'm cooking absolutely nothing btw its just loose thoughts rattling in my head)

i had some more notes i didnt share in case i doodled it in the future but i know myself. the time between writing down a want to do something and actually doing it can be years. and frankly i want to share it anyway so heres more loose thoughts. sorry for typos that make reading this hard (if anyone actually reads it) i cant proof read anything right now. please note where i currently am in my rereading and a lot of this could contradict current, future or even past canon, on the account of me not knowing shit fuck half the time

before i forget right after 'he wouldnt fucking say that' in my notes i have pilot going "*whistle* sniper, thats really somethin! but i cant actually play with you right now, because i have to go be over there. see ya!" and he starts legging it asodhjdk he wouldnt fucking say that the collection

i think that turning unconnectables into connectable dexes is possible but i want to imagine they genuinely couldnt with snippy. that grey matter just aint right. and rather than kill him off they realized they changed just enough of him that he would still be obedient/a model g-dir employee without it, and that they could use all his past offline knowledge to their advantage in hunting other unconnectables with huge debts so thats my excuse. plus, annets infatuation with humanity likely wouldnt allow them to kill snippy because there would be no way to keep him alive somewhere else (like how all of humanity is technically still alive in the 'cloud' as backup or whatever)

design wise you could modernize pilot (to a fault- i get its implied he went for the old ass gear for the noir aesthetic) and vintagize snippy- he could get that wwii type respirator with the huge filter either in the center or to the left, for example. avoid using the one with the hose/cannister though because thats what pilot has. title could stay as is too, 'sniper'.

british just like his flat ass lol. creative liberties to put some (unmoving?) eyebrows on that beast and its set (now that i think about it, was pilots reveal as an android (not actually breathing?) an excuse to explain why his mask hose isnt connected to anything? ....hmmmMMMMMM.)

in canon (IC) snippys outfit is just his tour guide gear, respirator and gun included. modern pilots dont have any sort of cool looking gear other than those headphones with the mic i think, and in any case pilot is pilot in name only, he doesnt actually have pilot gear nor a pilot job. with both those things in mind do you think i could get away with just putting a bikers helmet on him. you know. still a "pilot" i mean my mans driving. but its a bike. (and it would probably aggravate him to be mistaken for an actual pilot since thats not within his skills set) probably not... probably some frankenstein of it with aaaaaaaaaaaa (looks at my google search) 3M FF-402 respirator though. to be elaborated upon depending on how goofy it looks. even if he's fully human in this he should be allowed to have just a bike helmet on a hoe never gets cold radiation poisoning etc

pilot would understand only partially the bizarre rules of post apoc world and whatever captain is up to (still leagues better than snippy who refuses it all IC), but would not be as open to them and only go along with it if results in something useful. no whimsys allowed. FASCINATED with captain at all times regardless, crush on captain sometimes (vs in absolute love with zeer IC). i think both -fascinated with captains ways but not willing to go along with zeer's plans- are ideas that can coexist to a degree. still hates haircuts (letting his hair grow out) and is allergic to pineapples (bad because thats whats for eatin half the time). also, he would sympathize with the unconnectables struggles but wouldnt advocate for the fruit terrorism some of them do. was aware of the rumors of a "prophesied leader of the unconnectables named charles snippy, sadly passed away" or something idk. no hope basically and terrorism aggravates. post apoc he also gets the snippy IC treatment where captains always taking away his katana / various smaller weapons, but he gets to have One concealed revolver for the noir detective aesthetic. 1 bullet for extra dramatics. wants to be called christophorus, everyone says either chris, hatchenson, mr. hatchenson or pi. F

snippy is more complicated to think in this context since he's already so cynical/pessimist (even if he tries not to be). like i want to stay in line with that but would also want him to go silly go crazy like pilot does IC is that not the joy of living in a world where youre not constantly being sued. theres also the fact that biomatrix 117 wouldnt be able to anchor him because of his mechanical parts... like i said romac more or less the same but this fact alone would drastically change the storyline. you attach 117 to pilot but then what. then what? i didnt think that far ahead even though i specifically had the annet reconnect arc in mind, to which 117 is a vital part because its them that bring snippy back from the dead anyway. ignore this issue teehee

he didnt understand the world before being a dex, he didnt understand the world after becoming a dex. more or less the same knowledge of how annet technology works, how it used to give him headaches daily by trying to connect to him, how post capitalism is hell, and how quiet the world actually is since almost every noise from speech to music is being telepathed. in post apoc i think he would be very aloof and easy to distract. HORRIBLE short term memory. spacial oxymoron: knows his cardinal directions, gets lost anyway. WILL disappear forever if not kept a close eye on. also sluggish, as if running on 50% battery at all times. DESPITE ALL THIS he's here now to have a good time not a long one. weeb tendencies more on display: naruto running, sports protagonist motivational speech, knocks on his forehead and teehees when he does something stupid, 2000s style fall on the floor when someone ELSE says something stupid, the works. also an outstanding sharpshooter if the need arises (ive yet to see snippy actually shoot anything IC but i mean they keep taking away his guns so. he couldnt even if he wanted). like you know those silly 10ish pages in tenkuu shinpan where the sniper is like "im gonna shoot that beam and the bullet will reflect and ricochet and hit my target ok here i go" snippy would be able to do that in half a second flat without a second thought. he would painfully narrate it in that manga overexplaining style though afterwards just for funsies

almost forgot again i dont have a whole lot on engie i can actually use until he gets introduced in the comic but i think he would know unconnectables get connected when dexified so snippy would interest him once he found out he's a dex. and he would start rambling while examining him closer and snippy would hiss like a kitten so loud and deafening engie would stop, shut up, stand up straight, and go hide behind pilot lmao

--------------------

edit 1: pilot can pilot confirmed; i dont know however if its because he is a dex or if he knew before it so my previous thought about it still stands until proven otherwise

edit 2: there have been experiments in canon to turn unconnectables to connectables but they have a high mortality rate. there was no mention of this being connected to the dex program but what better chance to try than when youre already harvesting their organs right? would it have an equal high mortality rate if its for dex purposes? in any case i think i can also still maintain them trying to make snippy connectable without killing him (but nothing worked regardless)

idr who (or if it was in the wiki) but someone said pilots hose IS connected to something unseen so idk anymore. i have also finally seen snippy shoot something in the comic and it was decent shooting and strategizing so yay! and on a last note engie hiding behind captain when snippy tries to talk to him in the comic is so funny like i had no idea. how did i manage to channel that in this post months ago without knowing he really DOES hide behind people

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edit3: hiiii :3 to my old post. note: snippy is 100% unscannable- everyone always has some degree of wifi to experiment on but not him! and i knew this from my first time reading! so we stay winning on that front- experiment all you want that shit is analog

ive had the stupidest self indulgence idea ever where its romac more or less as normal but g-dir got to snippy first instead of pilot. adjust plot for character personalities, make snippy maintain his unconnectability as a dex for extra spice and something could work out here

[bcneheaded]

So!! bathing/hygiene headcanons!! 🚿 this is a "me rambling endlessly" post, just as a warning !

I was in the shower earlier yes? as one does. and I was just thinking.... about like.... Artemis, yeah. But I was thinking about how, he probably doesn't have to shower or anything necessarily? Because he's not a living creature, and so, doesn't have to worry about like... everyday buildup of human-y dirtiness (idk how to phrase that but u kno).

But at the same time, especially if he's been really busy with shop cleaning/work, has had to fight/kill something/someone, or has been out and about on his 'business trips' or something etcetcetc-- like... he's gotta get dirty sometimes.. right? even with how careful he is not to, I dont think it would matter. He'd have to clean up sometime, somehow. And I suppose... like.... if he did, it would be infrequently, "bathing", whatever that entails for him (he again like... its just another one of those things he doesn't have to worry about doing often, as its not as if ?? he's gonna get stinky like a human would).

But anyway I was just thinking about bathing / cleaning headcanon for him ?? and I came up with like... two alternatives. 1... was that he could just sponge down, genuinely just take a bathtub full of water, remove necessary clothes, clean dirty area(s) and be done with it, never needing to fully submerge unless absolutely necessary or if its just easier, depending on the level of filth he somehow found himself in for some reason. 2... second one was a little different? but involves his tar and personal abilities directly! He has the ability to manipulate his tar, yes? as well as the ability to heat it up to incredible temperatures (demonic skills yea?). So if he really wanted, he could just.... burn it.. all off ?? if thats any easier. Though, because he's more inclined to be careful not to damage his bones (and although he can remove them, he would never remove the skull. so fact remains, he'd risk fracturing the bone with the heat I suppose, unless magically protected somehow ...Which is.... possible. and likely, for everyday reasons).

But say he did that for the bones, yes? Say maybe, he goes to the basement(dungeon.... its a dungeon) and goes into one of those sealed rooms no one is allowed access to-- he could have this charm that protects the bones from the heat, and because he's somewhere that yknow.... wont burn down (stone and all yeah?) he can just let er rip ?? remove clothes to be cleaned and incinerate any trace of dirt via molten tar >:] ! which is cooler an idea than the sponging off one and also entirely plausible (given it.... would potentially be more thorough and faster).

The sponge bath could have scents added to it just as an additional nice little thing... which is likely. I feel like he'd get badru or the whispers' opinion on scent choice fjdjffgdf if any fragrance at all, it'd be very.... very faint. maybe a little dab of cologne?? but unlikely.

As for turning his tar completely molten in the safety of the dungeon-- jfdjjds i can't imagine he'd smell... particularly good after that.. (but also maybe not too BAD once he cools down?), but he probably would smell some kinda way, even if just very faintly. he'd also?? probably be just a little warmer than he usually is, potentially noticeably so, for just a little while after. and the floor?? surrounding areas of where he did it would probably be nice and toasty

gjfgjfd catch someone asking Artemis if he has heated flooring tho after he does and he just ''.....no.''

+ also ?? a thought but like..... man could walk around without clothes and would not be embarrassed about it bc of ''nakedness'' necessarily. he'd be a little embarrassed to have been seen without clothes I think, if only because its like.... "indecent". yknow. his whole Old Victorian Gentleman vibe just OUT the WINDOW... he /has/ nothing to hide so it wouldn't MATTER if anyone saw him mid-change or post bath or something but he'd be BIG :(( about it LOL

[bnhaficsforthesoul]

Shiggy headcanons because he <3

warning: some nsfw and I say when it starts

okay first off, yes please help him take care of his skin but be nice about it, he is self conscious about his skin and will think you think hes ugly if you dont bring it up right- best way to go about it is say that you know it bothers him and makes him uncomfortable physically and mentally and you want to help him and you think that these products could help

cause he appreciates you looking out for him a lot

it also helps if you do a skin care routine with him! he thinks of it as a fun bonding time for the both of you and you being there in the habit of doing it everyday helps to remind him to do it everyday

at the beginning he could be very selfish and demanding of you (mainly of your attention and time) while also not giving you much in return- he didnt mean to, he legitimately has no idea what a healthy relationship looks like, all he knows is that he craves your attention and love but doesnt know how to give it back and is scared to anyways

you're really gonna have to be patient with him, help him to understand that you need to be given affection as well and that relationships require work from both sides - hell take everything you say very seriously because he doesnt want to disappoint you

he opens up in odd increments, hell go from you cannot know anything about me to heres my life story in 10 minutes, leaves out details here and there that hell save for another time, but hes not trying to trauma dump or anything its just so healing for him to be able to get it out to a positive outlet that sometimes he can give you a bit much without warning, but of course you want to help him so you comfort him as best you can

so scared of touching you, at first hes wary even with wearing gloves because just what if - what if something goes wrong and suddenly you're gone, he cant handle that

but he slowly gets there, first getting more comfortable with just you touching him and then hell carefully link his pinky with yours or press your foreheads together, small things that you learn to love

when he learns to control his quirk to the point of not having to worry about this anymore, he excitedly runs up to you hands out and just grabs you, let's his hands run all over your body in the most innocent way possible, for the first time he can actually feel you fully and hes so in love

if anyone even dared to hurt you he would kill them without a second thought, you are without question the most important thing on this planet, nothing else matters

he can be extremely possessive, but it's mainly because hes terrified you'll leave. he doesnt think hes attractive or has a good personality or any good redeeming qualities, he has no idea why someone as perfect as you would even consider looking in his direction, but he never wants you to leave

god he loves kisses. so much. could kiss you for the rest of eternity and would never get bored. when you pull away he will chase your lips and pull you in again

tell him hes gorgeous please. he needs to hear it, he has no idea how genuinely beautiful he is :(

he loves when you wear his clothes. they're more than likely all very dirty, especially if you wear them long enough to get them to smell like you because he wont wash them just to keep the smell (so you're probably gonna have to wash his clothes and help him to get into the habit of doing so), but he thinks you're so gorgeous in his clothes. its probably another aspect of him being possessive and liking things that make it obvious that you're with him, but he wouldnt mind if you stole everything in his closet

loves having you seated on his lap, especially during important meetings. yeah, hes got the hottest s/o on the planet, no one else can have them, cope.

seriously he loves showing off that you're with him he will brag endlessly if the situation allows it

loves playing video games with you of course, at first you were lucky to be able to be seated at his side and watch as he played, but now he got you your own special controller and cant wait to continue playing whatever 2 player game he can find

he gets you really cute gifts, probably stolen or things he found laying around, but they're always so soft - the sweetest gift he ever gave you was one of his old plushies that he keeps in his room, he washed it and everything for you and gave it to you so that even when hes not there you have something of him

loves when you play with his hair, it's probably tangled 90% of the time because he cant be bothered to even think about brushing his hair but will let you brush it for him and run your fingers through it and everything

though he does whine when you accidentally brush too hard and pull on his hair harshly, but his hair is seriously tangled and the brush might get stuck in it unless you're brushing it often

wants to protect you from the world. hes so worried about you constantly, he doesnt know what hed do if something happened to you, but if you're out hes always got an eye on you if hes not physically holding onto you

not a relationship thing but I just gotta throw in my nonbinary he/they Shiggy headcanon :)

I was trying to keep this mainly sfw but I just gotta include some nsfw, poor baby is extremely horny. mega horny 24/7. he probably wants to fuck you as soon as you start dating

whether you do or not is up to you, but just know he is not experienced at all. hes watched insane amounts of porn but quickly realizes that he cant use that as a basis for what to actually do with you, so you're gonna have to teach him a lot. even if you're inexperienced as well, you'll probably have a better idea generally than he does

after a lot of practice and semi embarassing moments, he gets pretty good at sex honestly. he genuinely wants to make you feel good and will listen to everything you say. hes very open to everything you want to try too

hes got some more extreme kinks that many people wouldnt be willing to even try, and he respects if you dont want to go into them because again he wants you to enjoy yourself

hell sub a lot at the beginning of your sex life because hes confused and you're probably taking the lead on things, but as he gets more confident that he actually knows what hes doing he goes more and more into being a dom - can and will still sub if you want him to, but generally ends up domming

[littlebabycrybtch]

honestly its still so heart dropping and disgusting to continue to see aspec ppl have to put on that like. trained, overly polite, overly passive, complete Lack Of Self Respect tone that forces a sense of ‘i know i dont matter’ just so they dont get completely automatically ground into dust when they go out on a limb and ask ppl they wanna interact with; ‘hey please dont start anything but can you just let me know if you’re an aphobe or not’ and its Still met with soo much mockery and disbelief almost every time like....... bro what even is there not to understand. you’re literally being the proof of why they have to ask abt it i cannot Fathom that kind of Blindness like lmfao bitch they just dont wanna be around some1 who hates them.... thats .. normal... thats human?? thats human behaviors. its having standards for yourself. its FEELINGS like unironically rn pls tell me you’re clowning and that you do understand how fucken LOUD you all are abt normalizing aspec hate and how often we obviously run into bitches like you and have to ask this question. you know how LONG we’ve begged for basic support so you have to know that reacting to being asked if you give a shit abt somebody with that kind of mockery is disgusting and bratty and ignorant af bc bro lmao its YOUR FAULT for being a Part of the people HATING THEM....?

holy shit lol, nobody should be good with being around people who disrespect a part of them,,,, thats like a genuine personal problem if someone willingly wants to do that, so why tf would you be expecting that. bc its us? bc its us. bc its us and you feel THAT right in thinking that we’re so worthless, they we are just so Stupid for not knowing that too. its funny to you that we dont realize how little we matter. lmao its so ugly and warped like!!! god how fuckin evil can you get just calm down idiot lmao theyre asking if you respect them and you’re basically responding ‘why would it matter to you if i didnt?’ bhsejbjehg uhhhhhhjjjjjjjjj bc thats. a regular thing 2 care about. its standards like mam do you hang out with ppl who hate you. is that some normal thing to you like. avoiding the ppl who wish you werent around is sort of just . health and safety and basic emotional response and also common sense. really is. literally How dehumanizing and detached coudl you POSSIBLY be abt this to be directly asked by a marginalized identity group if you respect them or not, and actually say No, but Also be like ‘LMAO YOU REALLY ASKED ME THAT? IT DOESNT MATTER’ like. yeah it matters bc they stay existing actually, you dont have to hate them for that, and they wouldnt have to ask yall this stuff if you behaved lmfao. not to mention your reaction is literally the evidence that it apparently matters enough to You to make sure they know you dont accept them. fully, you are whats making it ‘matter’ so much bc you are the one going apeshit over a benign existence. you’re the one losing it over nothing.

like lmfafuckingo what is WRONG with your MIND dude im.... speechless like ‘dont drag me into discourse’ YOU HATING SOME1 AND THEM HATING YOU BACK IS NOT ‘’’’’’TUMBLR DISCOURSE’’’’’..............? WHAT R U DISPLAYING RN DID U NOT SPEND ENOUGH TIME IN THE GUIDANCE COUNSELORS OFFICE GROWIN UP WITH THIS ATTITUDE......... ITS THE NATURAL ORDER OF SOCIAL CONSEQUENCE......... ITS SOME BASIC ‘YOU STARTED IT’ TEE MOTHERFUCKIGN EM LOGIC...? YOU HATE THEM! FOR AUTONOMY! FOR HAVING AN IDENTITY AND ENOUGH SELF RESPECT TO STICK BY IT! THEY HATE YOU BACK I THINK THEYRE ALLOWED TO ASODLKFL;SDF AAAA DUUUDE lmaoooo and like good lord, passively existing around ppl who hate you and not challenging them isnt ‘avoiding discourse’. thats. so unhealthy sdjkf what kind of underdeveloped politics.... its toxic and absolutely batshit to genuinely ask that of Anyone. like bro stop Actually expecting ppl to hate themselves for ur comfort thats.... so weird i.... are you okay hhh nah you just need to step up and try to be a regular ass person actually and have sympathetic reasoning skills. being ace is fiiiine its nbd i dont need to to change for you, im allowed to be this, and i get to ask if you’re ok with that so i dont end up in a gross ass environment.

ace =/= discourse. you dont get a say in everything my dude. we’re not here for you to analyze, we dont give you permission and we dont need Your permission to exist, we’re not asking that of you when we send those msgs we’re tryna figure out if ur gonna be a bitch or not basically lol just seeing if we’re gonna be accepted by you or if we’re wasting our time like alksd;al its so traumatizing and unnecessary and MINDBOGGLING that u think its not fucked up ?? to feel like we are supposed to accept your hate of us as our truth?? you believe we’re that awful that its Funny when we dont Realize it or smth thats just so....... what would even make you respect us. literally absolutely nothing besides not existing in front of you. so. thats hate. thats irrational unwavering hate. beyond the fact that any group always has the right to ask you if YOU hate THEM, you cant sit there and mock the mere idea of caring when you are literally giving reason for it by trying your BEST to upset them and make them feel like they deserve to feel like shit for what they are afterwards. dfgjdfkgjdlfkgfd man the hypocrisy and like complete lack of self awareness in reg culture is like novacaine for my brain its so jarring sometimes. im allowed to have a problem with you having a problem with me bc i cant fix Being smth, you can fix how you feel abt it. balls in your court ill stay waiting. im not gonna hate myself bc you’re not right xoxo get a vaccine for w/e makes you this evil and selfish pls

[gayspock]

the spiral 🤨

its like it hits the 3am mark and i start to lose it i think. who said that ive been losing it non-stop. whatever. i dontknow. i feel like screaming a little bit. anyone elsefeel like this. im just sort of tired now and have been for the past few days. i feel insanity spike up again when i think too hardabout how it doesnt matter over andover again. theres never a resolution theres never any relief it just shuts up cuz ur so fried you cant even think straight any more or cuz of whatever. i'llshut up for a few more months it'll happen again i cant ever findanything or help myself no matter how hard i try i keep trying it means nothing its worthless as it always was and as you know it is and continues to be and people say its not worthless youre not trying hard enogh youre not doing it long enough. its all i am at this point its all ive ever been its nothing but that/ its the onlyfucking thing in my head and nobody fuckingbelieves it because you cant be serious you havent done it enough nobody can be that fucking hopeless but youre proving it all to be truewith the fact you wont even swallow it . i dont know. i think about how sometimes you cant even have that. ifeel like im nothing but a joke all thetime. and people think so little of me, iknow they do. i dont thinkanyone hasnt ever thought much of me and i jsut get so angry every time someone tries to make an example out of it bc they do nothing but prove me irght but im not evenallowed to fucking say it orim a bitch. i wish it mattered i wish i could jsut say things to people everyones like be fucking truthful but dont be in the way that you actually mean bc we dont likke it we dont like you i think theres projections that people think they like but . i feel fucking crazy everytime im so fucking . fucking upset but im not doing enough its never enough what i can do and i dont know thats not even the point the point is icantkeep doing it i cant keep myself afloat . i can cry this over and overagain i just want a break or jsut one thing to feel okay or right just for a second. i

i dont know sorry the therapy thing again i thinkthe classic "im more mentally illt han you" vibe i feel so often this patronising fucking. energy from others who somehow manage toperceive me this specific fucking niche i exist in when im upset where im jsut such a fucking laughable joke even when its the rock bottom and eveyrthing im thinking andfeeling is so trivial and i just need to do it better to try it harder that im not fucking doing it well enough that i give up so easy that im forcing myself into it that its anyone of these things theres apart of me that just wants to beg down on my knees like pelase just for fucking once please think im a person and its rather pathetic i think abotuthis to everyone i feel like im going crazy i wishi was a person i feel so unreal i wish i existed fully in apersons life i wish itwasnt stretches of nothing of nothing and nothing and fucking screens all the time and still nothing in thosefor the majortiy of the time too i wish i wasnt so far away i wish i wasnt the afterthought i wish i could feel like i existed and properly did exist but i cant ever seem to latch on as i am i cantdo anything as i am and i try and it doesn twork i try to be me i try to be content keep trying everything it never makes sense im not trying enoughstill i dont know i dont know what its worth and even if its achievable it doenst feel like it means anything ay more i cant keep doing this and for what i keep spending every day i feel like every ounce of my life for he better part of a decade is just trying to keep my fuckig head on my shoulders and its not fucking sustainable but what else is there and im meant to betrying harder to be getting better theres nothing i can do im genuinely fucking alone and people dont like to hear it and im genuinely fucking hopeless and there is no way out and i cant evenf ucking have that thought ifeel nuts i hate myself so much

and i feel myself becoming more rancid every dayi will admit no matter how much i try to stop myself. really sharp fucking pangs of anger and upset at fucking everything that i cant fucking suffocate and its getting harder not to lash out at fucking everyone for every little fucking thing bc it sets me off and i cant just get a fucking grip but i dont know i wish there was something more susbtantial for once than just that and just this but also what does it even matter any more liek it mattered in the firstplace and im not just being delusional. whatever whatever its os stupid its so fucking humiliating how upset ive been getting i jsut keep crying over everything because i cant have anything i cant do anything keep trying to do things i try and i try and i try and its never meant anyhting i just feel so much spite and icant stop it its not fucking fair that people just exist and maybe theydont do it easily but they still manage todo something i feel so fucking alone people keep trlling me everyone feels alone feels isolated . so do they! but its not. that i hate being thatfucking asshole but its not that its not jsut the now its the fucking forever its the fundamental root cause theresosmething wrong with me it feels like i cant ive never not once felt like ive been seen i dontknow if i can even like peopel back at this point . people oh im so alone theysay butidont . i feel so fucking angry because theyve still managed to have had a partner or to have some sort of fucking companionship or family and i jsut sit. alone in the dark and i have done for years and no matter where i go ro what i do i keep trying i remember at uni i did try i did i tried to entrer circles but i just keep. falling to the wayside and i wish it was like i was rotted on the inide or i was trulky repulsive but i jus tthink theres nothing there i think theres nothing inside me to like i think i cant be anything and i think nobody wants nothing which is what i am and have been for such a long time bynow because i cant fucking piece anything together theres notihng . id ont know i keep thinking stupid things theres stupid things i keep crying about i thought about getting a cat or something that wouldnt fucking understand me enough for me to reject me but itd be unfair and unreasonable to try and bring anyhting into it my stupid fucking black hole existenc e how it wouldnt be realistic how nothing is its really embarrassing how fucking minute it is sometimes how such little things keep tipping me off i got angry i getupset everyone else has osmething or some interes tor something they can manage it with i cant find anything i think thats jst

part of it though i keep trying to find these threads out ii keep trying to find littlethings little hopes only to follow them through and just everything comescrashing down huge nos huge fuck yous it never fucking works out it never goes anywehre every time i try to get happy it just feelslike im slapped in the face and theres so many more thingsits nonstop its neverending theres not just one fucking thing to be happy about or to be proud about or to be satisfied with no matter what i do and it just feels so so ufcking insulting sometimes that you have to pretend it and force it up just to satisfy eeveryone else but i just cant do it i keep thinkign about it and i cant do it ive never done anyhting i can just feel like meant anything and its so embarrassing it sounds fucking melodramatic but its true and nobody will jsut . even let me have tha t and no one even fucking sees it happenign i just the onyl time when its not like this is actively trying to fucking disconnect myself form everything and lose mself in shit i still fucking hate but is manageable but thats going nowhere its nowhere its more nothing an d i dont know i feel like i used to thought it would matter if i kept blowing up like something could change but my head hurts so badl and i dont fucking care to pretend i fucking respect it either cuz they dont i just think i dont know im a stupid fucking cunt and i always have been and if ucking wish people would just say it to my face and theres a part of me that just fucking hates fucking everyone because who fucking cares what the fuck else can i even manage i cant if im never going tofucking anything to people why why i jsut need something for once i want to fucking hit someone so they can hit me back or fucking something so at least imreal even for a fucking second bleh bleh bleh beofrei realise even that i dont know i feel like m not serious enough whatever