#sometimes things happen that I’m like *that one is for the void ONLY* hahahaha | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

dearcat1 · 4 years ago

Note

2,3,6,16,18,20

I have gone totally nuts, but, well, I also want to know 🙈😂

Don't worry! I'm all for being asked questions!

2. Favorite piece overall?

Hu, I think my baby, right now is Ameliorate which is the first part of the contract-verse series. It hasn't been published yet but I've been working on it for about a year, it's like a trilogy. Each part is long enough to be a book and I'm proud of how it's coming along. I like reading the later parts of it and noting just how far both Xanxus and Tsuna evolve in the length of the story.

Published? I think that would be The Dragon Prince and his Consort. I don't even know why, it just brings me so much joy but that one is only in Ko-Fi. If we're going by one that's open to everybody, I think that would be either The Thrill or Isolation. I like the dynamics in them.

3. Which was the hardest to write, in terms of plot?

That'd be Ameliorate, too. Funnily enough, when I first wrote it, it was going to be a 7 chapter long smutty story without much plot. And then, when I read it again my brain went: wait a minute, wait. What about all the political shifts here? The drama? The relationship development? The emotional evolution? So then it became a little bit of a struggle about moving the pieces of all those other points around a story that was going to be only seven chapters long. But then it ended up being too long so I decided that it would be divided into a series.

Which means, 4 plots. One overall plot of the entire story itseld and 3 plots of each part of the series. And so I had to rewrite everything again. Yikes, it's made me scream into the void but I'm also so happy with how it's coming along.

6. Idea that you always wanted to write but could never make work?

I guess there's a lot of somewhat darker themes that I would like to explore. Mostly as I deal with my own mental health and realize some things, I would like to put some of those thoughts into paper and watch them flow, almost like an outsider looking in and yet I have rarely managed to finish a story like that. Mostly because it becomes too much sometimes but also because I get worried that people are going to come after me for 'romanticizing' this or the other. Which it's not, it never is. It's just me trying to work through it, express myself.

16. 3 favorite comments ever received on fanfic.

I answered that one here. I'd answer again but trying to save people from having a truly more monstrously long post in their dash...

18. If you could go back and revise one of your older stories, which would it be?

Mizuiro, the information broker. Without a doubt. I like the story but it feels almost unfinished to me and I feel like my writing has evolved to the point where I could do a much better job of it now.

20. Go nuts, and talk about writing.

Holy shit, why put me in the spotlight like this? Hahahaha.

If I had to babble about writing, I'd complain. I'll be honest, I love writing. It's probably one of the skills I'm the proudest of. I love sharing it with other people and learning just how to convey the image in my head properly. It takes over me, however, which is something that I have a love-hate relationship with. I can be trying to sleep and this entire fully-fledged story decides that nope, it's writing time. And then when you get to writing it, in the hopes of getting to bed at some point, you note that this is scene #37 and you need to somehow write all the other scenes leading up to it and then all the other ones after that.

I think there are people out there that are writers because they sit down and make the conscious decision to do it and then there are writers like me who write out of self-preservation because we started one day and writing didn't let us go after that.

That said, I am thankful for that. During quarantine, writing is the one thing that kept me somewhat sane. It's an interesting ability because depending on which character you're writing, which moment in their life they are in, you have to more or less enter somebody else's mind and try to understand them, deep down. Who are they? What moves them? Why? Are they even making decisions or just reacting to the world around them?

When I write Xanxus, for example, and I'm doing his inner monologue about something that really pulls his strings, sometimes I have to stand up and pace in my room because I get so fucking angry. And yet he's my absolute favourite, I don't know what that says about me. Or Reborn, Reborn's inner thoughts can be so cold. He's an old man, trapped in this body that's not his and he's probably been a hitman for so long that he doesn't really remember how to be anything other than that. I think that even if he can be incredibly kind, in the back of his mind, he always is a hitman. It doesn't get turned off.

So when I try to understand his character, write about him and his thoughts, I tend to think of his love as something cold and possessive, even if the emotion itself is warm. I think he's the sort of person who can look at people around him and make a calculated assessment of those who surround him. Is it worth the inconvenience to kill them? Is the reward worth the unpaid hit? If he lets them die by their own stupidity, what will that mean for him? It takes a special kind of man to be both unaffiliated and so clearly respected by whole ass organizations. So on and so forth.

There's this scene in Ameliorate where Reborn notes that Timoteo just set off a domino event that is going to eventually lead to his death. Not any time soon, Reborn could avoid this, could warn him, could reel his student in. He doesn't even think about the possibility. All he thinks about the matter is that it's a shame. Old friends are hard to come by but Timoteo should have known better.

Human nature, in itself, fascinates me, simply by how diverse it is. So I love that, I play with that. If this happens, how would Xanxus, Tsuna, or whatever character I'm looking at react to that? What would they think? How do they feel about t? To a great extent, that's what my writing is about. That and the fluff. Because it makes me smile while I write it, too.

#ask #wansue-gm #ask away

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jalapeno-princess · 5 years ago

Audio

Mark Tuan X Reader

Genre: Angst (Y’all this is my first imagine without a happy ending and I honestly think it is shit because I can’t write angst to save my life HAHAHAHA)

Summary: Two months ago, you broke up with your boyfriend of four years, Mark Tuan. Your mutual friend Jinyoung invites you over to his apartment to see how you’re doing. When Jinyoung excuses himself to grab something from his room, it’s in that moment you stumble upon a letter from Mark and you find yourself aching to read what it says.

Word Count: 4.3K

A/N: “Norman Fucking Rockwell” has been on repeat lately and I couldn’t stop listening to this song and I began to write this it didn’t come out the way I wanted it to but whatever

I shouldn't have done it, but I read it in your letter You said to a friend that you wish you were doing better I wanted to reach out, but I never said a thing I shouldn't have done it, but I read it in your letter You said to a friend that you wish you were doing better I wanted to call you, but I didn't say a thing

“Dear Jinyoung,

Hey man. It’s been a while. I’ve been meaning to call you. I just don’t really have the time nor the energy to do so these days. How have you been? I’m sorry for leaving on such short notice. I just..I needed to get out of California. Everywhere I went reminded me of her. God. I miss her so much Jinyoung. I know. You’re probably going to tell me that I’m an idiot. And you’re probably doing that thing with your brows. But I can’t stop thinking about her. I wish I could say I’m moving on and that I’m doing better. But we all know I’m not. Do you know how she’s doing by any chance? Damnit, sorry. I shouldn’t talk about her. Anyways, Greece is really cool so far. It’s a very beautiful place but it’s so fucking hot. You know how much I hate the heat. I’m sure y/n would love it..fuck. I should end it here. I hope you’re doing well. Maybe when you have the time, you could come up here sometime. Call me when you get this.-Mark”

It took you a while for you to realize that you were crying. But when the ink began to smear, you knew you had to put the letter down. Jinyoung had asked you to come over to his apartment to see how you were doing. Once you arrived, you took a seat at his bar while he went to grab something from his room.

As you were entertaining yourself while playing animal crossing on your phone, you couldn’t help but notice the envelope on his kitchen counter; it’s as if it was calling for you. When you saw who it was from, your fingers were aching to open it and to see what he had written. It‘s been a little over two months since your break up, yet you were still so hung up over him.

The break up was mutual. Like a lot of relationships, the two of you grew apart and no matter how much you both loved each other, sometimes love was no longer enough. You initiated the breakup, and God, you’ve been regretting it for the last few months. Breaking up with Mark was probably the biggest mistake you’ve ever made. However, he was quick to agree with you. He didn’t fight for your relationship like you had wished he would have. You were holding on to a tiny piece of hope that he would want to fix things. That he would want to start your relationship over and try again. But as he left your apartment with his suitcase filled with all of his things, you knew it was over.

When he left, you were sure he took a huge part of you with him. The pain you felt from losing him was excruciating. Your friends and some of your family members would always describe to you how painful a broken heart was but you never would believe them. At one point, your relationship with Mark was one that everyone seemed to envy. It was obvious that Mark was head over heels in love with you by how he was so quick to do anything you asked of him. Love wasn’t even a good enough word to describe what the two of you felt for each other.

You didn’t think that anything could tear your relationship apart, nor did you think you were going to ever experience the pain of a broken heart. That was until you found yourself crying in the middle of your kitchen floor, crying, screaming and begging for him to come back all the while downing an entire bottle of red wine. You felt pathetic. It was you who wanted this, why were you so upset over it? You didn’t want to break up with him. If you had the choice, the two of you would still be together. However, things were no longer the same. There was no spark in your relationship anymore. The two of you did your own things, you were always your own person before you were Mark’s.

With that being said, you would never run things past him anymore. If you were going out with your friends or staying back at work, you didn’t feel the need to tell him your whereabouts like you used to. Nor did you guys really communicate with each other unless you really had to. On most nights, the two of you would stay up until the wee hours of the morning, talking about anything your hearts desired. Towards the end of your relationship, all you would talk about was the weather and something interesting he would see on television.

You could feel the distance growing deeper between the two of you as the days went by and what upset you, was that it never seemed to bother him. It was as if he was okay that your relationship was falling apart and you were tired of being the only one trying to keep it together. The two of you had made so many plans together. Dating someone for almost four years was quite a long time, so it was understandable that you were so broken over it. Although, the main reason you kept beating yourself up over the break up was because you knew Mark was the man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. You were willing to stay with him, even if things were no longer what they used to be. You would rather have him around, no matter how dull and lifeless your relationship had become rather than to not have him in your life at all.

Learning to live without him was probably the hardest part. Both you and Mark would do everything together. He was a part of your everyday routine and you didn’t know how to continue without him. That’s why alcohol became your best friend. You found yourself getting drunk almost every single day. The amount of vodka you consumed was actually scary, but you didn’t care. It helped fill the void in your heart that Mark created when he left. You hated waking up without him. The room that you both shared for the last four years that used to be so warm and full of happy memories, was now cold as ice. No matter how many times you would wash the bed sheets, his side of the bed still smelled like him and it taunted you. You missed the feeling of his arms wrapped around you. His arms felt like the safest place in the world.

You couldn’t stop thinking about how he would hide his face in the crook of your neck because you knew it would calm him down. How he would always run a bath for you when you had a long day of work and how he would blow dry your hair right after you were done because he knew you were tired. You missed every single thing about him. How safe you felt with him around. How he never failed to make you smile by telling you the cheesiest jokes. The sweet nothings he would whisper in to your ear while he held you close to his body after your passionate love making sessions. You missed who you used to be when he was still in your life.

You were soon broken out of your thoughts when you heard the refrigerator door open and you immediately dropped the letter. Your eyes widened in shock and you looked like a little child who had just got caught stealing a cookie from the cookie jar. The letter was already opened, so you didn’t see anything wrong with reading it. But you were ultimately regretting your choice all together when you saw his facial expression. Jinyoung crossed his arms while smirking at you and leaned back against the fridge. “”I’ve been good Jinyoung. I’ve moved on. Stop worrying about me.” So tell me miss “I’ve been good”, care to explain why you’re reading a letter that’s not addressed to you?” You released an exhausted sigh and shrugged.

Why did you feel the need to read Mark’s letter? You knew there was a huge chance Jinyoung would catch you doing so. And why did it matter to you what the letter said? The two of you were no longer together for a reason. But now that you were aware that he missed you and that he moved away to get away from the memory of you only got you to miss him even more. So many thoughts were going through your head. He said he wished he was doing better, but how exactly was he doing? Did he regret moving away? Was he regretting your break up and did he wish he tried harder to save your relationship? He also mentioned that he had yet to move on, so did that mean he was trying to? Or was he still in love with you the way you would probably always be with him?

He was your first and only love and you were sure if soulmates exist, then he was yours. However, that did not necessarily mean he was meant to be in your life forever. Things happen and people change. Sometimes we lose the ones we love no matter how badly we want to keep them in our lives and there is nothing we can do about it. There was nothing you could do about losing Mark. Some things just weren’t meant to be. If he didn’t want to stay, you couldn’t force him to. But if he was hurting as much as you were, did this mean he was willing to end both your misery and his by getting back together?

As much as you loved the thought of having the love of your life return back to you and patch up everything that was broken, what exactly would it do? Deep down, you knew that things wouldn’t change. The two of you would only go back to the lack of intimacy, connection, boring conversations and miscommunication. Even if you were to tell Mark you were still so in love with him, and how you want nothing more than for him to come back so that the two of you could be together again, you know it wouldn’t do anything. The two of you broke up for a reason. Nothing lasts forever. If the two of you were meant to be together, neither of you would’ve allowed your relationship to end the way it did.

He said so himself one time when the two of you were watching the sunset at Santa Monica Pier while he sat you on his lap and left lingering kisses all across your back. You were upset to see how quickly the sun had set. It was winter at that time and compared to how the sun would normally set at 10:00 p.m., during the winter it was usually gone before 6:00 p.m. He found himself giggling at how adorable you looked with your arms crossed against your chest and your brows furrowed. “You’re so cute, you know that right? God. How did I get so lucky? I want to spend the rest of my life watching sunsets with you. Don’t be so upset baby, nothing gold can stay. We’ll just have to come back tomorrow afternoon. And the day after day. And the day after that.” At the time, you compared his words to that of the sunset. You didn’t think it would foreshadow the end of your relationship.

“Jinyoung?” The older boy looked at you with soft eyes and hummed in curiosity. “Did you call him?” He shook his head in disagreement before heading towards you.

“I only opened the letter this morning. Why? Did you wanna call him right now?” By the wide grin on his face, you knew he was messing with you. You rolled your eyes while bringing your fingers to the bridge of your nose, pinching it out of frustration. There was nothing more you wanted to do than to smack that smirk off of Jinyoung’s face. He was enjoying this too much. It’s as if he enjoyed the fact that you were suffering. Did he open the letter and called you over in hopes of you finding it and wanting to read it?

Out of all the members in their group of friends, you and Mark were closest with Jinyoung. The three of you spent so much of your time together and he saw just how much the two of you loved each other. That’s why he was pretty upset to hear that his favorite couple called it quits, especially because he had already planned for himself to be the best man at your wedding.

“You can say whatever you want to try and lie to me y/n, but the tears in your eyes speak the truth. You miss him and you’re probably still in love with him. It’s only natural. Your breakup was only two months ago, neither of you are expected to move on so quickly. I see it in your eyes and in the expression on your face, you love him y/n. You’re always going to love him. God, the two of you are both so stubborn. You’re obviously meant to be together, so why don’t you put your big girl pants on and tell him how you feel? I’ve never seen either of you so broken like this before and your only solution is..each other.” As he continued his speech, you felt the tears flow out like a dam. Each and every word hit at your chest and you knew he was right. But like what you had thought right after reading the letter, what good would it do? And what if he didn’t want to get back with you? What if you were to call him and he would get irritated with you for doing so?

You knew Mark like the back of your hand. Four years together made you an expert on his feelings and emotions and whenever the two of you would argue or fight, he didn’t like when you would try and amend things right after. He always needed time to think, no matter how much he hated being away from you. This situation was no different. You were sure he was going to be bothered by the fact that you were the one to end the relationship only to want to get back together months later. Even if he was hurting right now, you knew he’d be fine in a few more months. You couldn’t say the same for yourself though.

Jinyoung released a long sigh before pulling you in to a hug. He placed a soft kiss on your forehead and shrugged. “I just want the best for the two of you. You know that right? I’m not trying to force you to do anything you don’t want to. But you never know what could happen y/n. It might just bring him back here. You know he probably hates it there. Probably hates being without you even more.”

Before you knew it, his phone was being placed in your hands while he walked over to where you were previously sitting. You scrolled through his contact list until you saw Mark’s photo and hovered over it for a few seconds. You surprised both yourself and Jinyoung when you pressed the call button and your heart rate increased with every ring. Minutes felt like hours waiting for him to pick up and when you head his voice echoing through the phone, your stomach sank. “Jinyoung? Hey. I see you got my letter. How’ve you been? Hello? Jinyoung? Are you there? Did you butt dial me again?” Hearing his voice again after two months sent you through a frenzy. You missed it. You missed him.

Hearing him talk brought back so many memories of how you would get him to sing to you almost every night. Although he hated his voice, you claimed that his singing would calm you down. However, it was just an excuse to hear his pretty voice that you loved so much. Jinyoung looked at you in confusion before getting up and quickly taking the phone out of your hands. You were shaking, it was all too much for you to take in. You so badly wanted to talk to him, but you didn’t know what to say. I’m still in love with you. I miss you. Come back to me. There were so many things you wanted to tell him lingering on the tip of your tongue, yet nothing came out. Luckily Jinyoung took over and began a conversation with him.

“Yeah. I just read it this morning. What part of Greece are you at again? I forgot. I’m alright. School is shit if that’s what you’re asking. The guys miss you, our outings aren’t the same without you here bro.” He giggled through the phone and you felt butterflies swarming in your tummy at the noise. His laughter was your favorite sound in the world. You felt a small smile graze at your lips and you wanted nothing more than to be the reason behind his laughter again.

“Yeah I miss you guys too. I’m not going to lie, it does get pretty lonely here and like I said, it is hot as fuck. I’m always in my room with the air conditioning on high. I’m glad they don’t charge for shit like that because if they did, i’m fucked. But it is very beautiful and the people here are very friendly.” To your dismay, Jinyoung asked the unthinkable, but you couldn’t blame him. You were just as curious when you read that part of his letter.

“Any girl catch your eye yet? Europe has many beautiful women I’m sure.” You could feel your chest tighten while waiting for his response. But what did it matter? You no longer had the right to get jealous if he were to even look at other girls. You were always the jealous type, but that was only because you felt as if Mark deserved better than you. You didn’t consider yourself to be all that pretty. Nor did you think you were smart, funny or anything special really. But Mark never failed to make you feel as if you were the most beautiful girl in the world and he always made sure you knew just how much he loved you both physically and verbally every single day.

“I mean..they’re okay. I’m not here for the girls Jinyoung. You know that. There’s only one girl for me and it’s always going to be her. She’s the only girl in my eyes. How um..how is she?” Your breath hitched at his sweet words and you felt yourself tearing up again.

“She’s here right now if you want to talk to her. She also heard everything you just said..do what you want with that information Mark.” Your eyes widened in shock and you couldn’t believe he just threw you under the bus like that. You couldn’t even handle hearing Mark talk, how could you start a conversation with him? The silence made you feel as if he was thinking the same thing. At first, you thought he had hung up. But then you heard his shallow breaths and after a few moments, you found yourself giving in.

“Hey.” You felt a huge weight being lifted off of your shoulders and all you had to do was wait for his response.

“Hi.” Jinyoung couldn’t help but cringe at how awkward the two of you were acting. From an outsiders point of view, no one would ever know that the two of you were once lovers who could never get enough of each other.

“You um..you heard all of that?”

You let out an exhausted sigh. “Yeah. I also may have accidentally read your letter. I know I shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t help myself. I’m sorry.” Although you couldn’t see him, you were sure he was shaking his head in disagreement. He always had such a soft spot for you. If you made a mistake or did something you weren’t supposed to, he would always let it slide because he never wanted you to feel bad. He wasn’t upset that you read his letter, he was upset that he didn’t know what to say or react to this entire interaction.

“Did you really move to a whole new country just to get away from me?” You never hated yourself more than you did in that moment. Mark left his friends, his family, his scholarships that he worked so hard for and his internship at a veterinary clinic just because he could no longer stand being in Los Angeles. All because of you.

“Don’t put it that way y/n. I came here for for the experiences too. I want to travel around the world while I’m still young, remember? As much as I like it here so far, I’ll probably be coming back soon. One can only last so long in a place where they don’t understand the language all too well.” You quietly laughed to yourself at the thought of Mark getting lost somewhere in Greece and him getting all flustered when he had to ask for directions.

“How have you been? How’s school? Did you end up getting the job at that one doctor’s office?” Your heart warmed when he brought it up. Mark was an amazing listener, but sometimes he could forget things pretty easily. When it came to you however, he remembered every single detail and he knew how much the job opportunity meant to you.

“I did..but um...things just didn’t work out and I ended up leaving.” That was partially true. You had gotten the job just a couple of days after the breakup. As much as you wanted to be excited that you finally got the job you’ve been dreaming about for months, you couldn’t find it in you to be happy for yourself.

You had just lost the love of your life, your best friend. How could you do anything other than wallow in self pity and cry over what no longer was? You knew you weren’t in the right mind to be working in such a prestigious office, so you quit just days after being hired; telling them that you had already agreed to another offer. If only that was the case. The longer you stayed on the phone with him and talked as if nothing was wrong, the more you craved more. Your heart was begging you to tell him that you missed him, that you wanted to pretend as if the last two months never happened. You wanted Mark to know that you were suffering without him and that you made a brief lapse of judgement when you broke up with him. But you knew there was no point. It would only spark more questions you didn’t have the answers to.

“Oh. Well I’m sure you’ll find another job soon. Anyone would be really lucky to have you.” With the way that last sentence slipped off of his tongue, you weren’t quite sure if he was referring to job employers or something else.

Jinyoung began to glare at you. He knew there was more you wanted to say, so why were you so adamant on staying silent? If looks could kill, you’d be dead by the scowl he was sending your way. You didn’t cry when reading the letter for no reason. Mark’s words obviously had an effect on you, and you heard what he said to you on the phone. What was stopping you from ending both your loneliness and your suffering?

“Y/n if I come back maybe we could-“

“Mark I think I should-“ You both giggled as he told you to continue what you were about to say.

“I should go. I don’t wanna keep wasting your time. It was nice talking to you.”

“Y/n wait-“ Before he could continue his sentence, you handed the phone back over to Jinyoung while reaching for your bag and immediately left his apartment. No matter how badly you wanted to hear what he had to say, you had a feeling he was hinting towards meeting up with you again. Your mind was in a battle with your heart. Your heart wanted to listen to what he had to say but your mind knew it was the wrong thing to do.

Love was an indescribable feeling. It was also a very scary feeling and you didn’t think you could go through all of the heartbreak you suffered in the last few months if you were to give your relationship with Mark one more chance. Sure, there was a chance that things would be different this time. Losing him was the most painful thing you’ve ever experienced and although you wanted to think that getting back together with him would end your suffering, what if it were to bring more? What if getting back in to a relationship with Mark only brought more sadness and more negativity? Maybe your break up was for the best and you needed to accept it for what it was.

If there was one thing you were sure about, it was the fact that you would always love Mark. Hearing him say that you were the only girl for him sparked something in you and you wanted to act on his words. But something just kept holding you back. Maybe one day, the two of you would find your way back to each other and end up together the way you had planned initially. If he were to come back to California, then maybe you’d see where things would go from there. Until then, you’d continue to learn how to live without him. For both your happiness and his.

Oh, I'll pick you up If you come back to America, just hit me up 'Cause this is crazy love, I'll catch you on the flip side If you come back to California, you should just hit me up

#got7 imagines #got7 drabbles #got7 scenarios #got7 #got7 mark #mark tuan #got7 angst #mark tuan imagines #mark tuan angst #kpop imagines #yall #this song has been haunting me #and i feel as if it matches him perfectly #i miss got7 #and i really miss mark

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lunchcase · 4 years ago

Photo

Matcha Mix Boba and Raisins Milk Tea

23.11.2020 8:05pm

Location: Foody Mart

Price: $3 for 2 (they were doing a promotion for them because the lot were close to expiring. The second time I went, it was down to $0.99 for one. And now that I’ve had it, I understand why)

I had to literally unearth the instructions of how to make it. I know it’s straightforward in theory; just put everything, add hot water, and stir, but mom said maybe the raisins go on top, and she was wrong, which goes to show maybe don’t put your supermarket foreign import promotion sticker on top of the instructions. In the end, I was right, and you just pour everything in with hot water and stir. At first I was tempted to leave the raisins out because I can’t imagine how it’ll mix well, but in the end I put it in for that exact reason. Adventurous drinker, me, even if this blog is literal evidence to the contrary and I end up drinking the same things all the time.

Immediately after opening the matcha packet, a waft of green tea sweetness careened towards me, which was unexpected. Not that the existence of a smell itself is surprising, but how it smelled. It’s so sweet. None of that matcha hint of bitterness, and it makes me think it was processed a lot with, if I had to guess (I’m not reading the ingredients), sugar and milk powder. The tapioca came out in a huge gloop stuck together, which y’know. Figures. And the raisins smelled clearly of raisins. I’m excited to know how it’ll taste in matcha milk tea.

I also immediately broke the straw, I think, upon opening, because if this isn’t broken then it requires some high level reconstructive surgery little baby unskilled Casey is not qualified for. Thankfully, I had a bubble tea straw left over from yesterday’s drinks, and there’s even a green one to match! It’s the little things.

There’s a cold option, an iced option to drink this that is just. Add ice after you stir, but given that I take hours to drink anything anyway (I tend to savour) I think temperature will not be an issue for me. Also I don’t want to dilute it. Yeah. That’s the reason. I’m a tea purist. Oh! And there’s a flap on the side of the cup that reveals a QR code for a prize. But this seems to be a china drink and I’m not in the china right now, so. I don’t know who that guy on the cup is. He looks like every other boy idol.

It smells. I guess pretty good? I get that it’s matcha. But like. Really. Uh. I guess it’s clear it came from something processed? Mixed with the strong scent of dried raisins. I poured a little evaporated milk in it, as a firm believer that most drinks would benefit from a little bit of evap milky.

I’m going to forego the straw for this first sip to just get a sense of the matcha tea itself, and also not to scald my tongue. Oh god, it’s sweet. And for all the green you see, the matcha taste itself is surprisingly lacking. It’s just. Sweet milk with a tinge of residue matcha flavour. Nowhere is the bittersweet, earthy scent of matcha. Maybe it’ll work with the tapioca and raisins? Nope. Not really. It feels less harmonic convergence (ha) and more I plopped some raisins into a drink and sometimes it comes up and I have to bite and chew it and by the time I’m done the drink is gone. It’s not the soft, mochi consistency of tapioca either, which works with bubble tea because it is itself sweet, and chewy, the texture smooth and seamless with tea. This is clearly just two distinct properties refusing to mix. I guess if you like the individual taste of matcha tea and raisin, and want to eat them together without sacrificing either taste or texture of both, this is it? For some reason the tapiocas aren’t coming up the straw, or maybe it is and they just also taste like raisins now. I haven’t been this confused over a drink since I had London Fog for the first time (Side note: mom just yelled at my brother for disturbing her, causing her to lose the fish she was catching on animal crossing new horizons). I’m almost done with the drink at this point and still can’t tell if I had tapiocas yet. Oh! I’ve realised why! The tapiocas are still in one giant conglomerate mass at the bottom of the cup, resisting the hot water’s attempt to separate! That’s not going to go well now that I’ve finished most of the drink! How fun! Okay, I poked at chunks of it with my straw, but it’s being evasive, so I fished out a chunk and just popped it in my mouth. It tastes... bad. Largely plain, with the raisin flavour contaminating it, I think - I hope - making it also a bit sour, and not that it was always sour. Not chewy enough. Reminiscent of wet cardboard. It’s blandly sour, texture very average, overall disappointing mouthfeel and taste. I’m no tapioca expert, but from experience, tapioca is supposed to be sweet, and chewy, and enjoyable. This is sad. I’m sad. One upside though: drinking the tea after that debacle is a whole palette cleanser. The pearls are so defected (ha) it’s making the sub par drink desirable. Maybe next time (I have one left, not me going out during a pandemic to buy another one of these) I’ll skip out on the raisins. Perhaps the plan was that, the sourness of the raisins would heighten the sweetness of the drink? But the drink is so sweet already (it does, however, mellow out at the bottom) it just feels like a clash of titans. Where’s the compromise? Why we gotta fight all the time?

By physically scooping it in my mouth, I managed to taste all three elements at once, as I suspect it’s supposed to be drunk. It’s... not good. Hahahaha

Is this why they offer a prize for drinking this? Consolation?

I’m going to give up on the toppings. I’m not going to try to eat them. I don’t know what’s happening

I’ve been periodically staring into the void processing these flavours. I don’t know what’s happening

I am actively barring the raisins and tapioca from entering the straw. They are banned. No mercy, only justice.

The delicate art of incorporating raisins into drinks well still eludes us. I do not know when the day will come, or if the day will even be welcome. But I do know one thing: when we finally work out how to mix raisins well in bubble tea, humanity will be closer to the stars, if not among them. The enlightenment will be at hand.

Matcha Mix Boba and Raisins Round 2 - Raisin The Bar

25.11.2020 2.07pm

I’m not putting the raisins in this time. Also, after more carefully excavating the straw out of its plastic embalmment, I can now confirm that I had broke it last time by ripping it out too hard and detached the two parts. I think this time the tapioca should be more dissolved.

It is so much better. Uninterrupted sweetness.

Kathy: You can put fruits in milk tea, but I think what’s weird, is that raisins are dehydrated, and now you’re putting them back in liquid

#matcha mix boba and raisins #matcha #matcha milk tea #bubble tea #raisins #tapioca #milk tea #tea #drinks #2020 #canada #text #kath #23.11.2020 #8:05pm #25.11.2020 #2:07pm #foody mart

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moonraccoon-exe · 6 years ago

Note

It's okay to not feel okay! It's okay to feel disappointed, frustrated, and other uncomfortable emotions. It's part of what makes us, us. And it's really hard some days to be kind to ourselves when we make a mistake, because we feel we 'should have known better' and we want to do our best. It's okay to feel that way, but it can hurt a lot too. If you can (I know it's hard!), please try and treat yourself with the same kind and gentle understanding that you show all of us. Sending hugs!

*LOUD SHARP INHALE*

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*TACKLE-HUGS YOU AND STAYS HUGGED TO YOUR HEAD*

IRIDAE SWEETIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( ´ ▽ ` ).｡ｏ♡

*PETS AND HUGGLES YOU*

IT MY BBY FLOUR PRECIOUS HOOMAN LITTLE IRIDAE PRETTY DARLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW ARE YOOOOOUUUUUUU?!?! ( ˙꒳˙ )

Sorry again it took me so long to reply. I won’t put up any excuses, though I know you’ll understand, and for that I’m very, very grateful, Iridae. Thank you for your patience and for being so kind to me aksjdflj aaaah ;A;

Thank you so much for the reminder that it’s okay to feel upset. It’s one of those things that I preach everywhere, and apply to myself except when I really, really, really upset and just tend to…forget? So thank you lots, Flour. It was a kind and very warm reminder about how I just had to let the emotions flow and that it was okay to be that way for as long as I needed to feel upset. Thank you for acknowledging that, and for relieving me off the stress of “I know I shouldn’t feel this way so why am I feeling this waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay”.

It’s part of what makes us, us. YOU DAMN RIGHT. You damn right, Flour…and it was something else that I had somewhat forgotten back the days I was feeling upset. It takes sometimes a dear buddy or a big reminder that it’s okay to feel the way we do, and I’m touched, and very happy that you were there for me when it was my turn to require of someone to tell me this. Remind me that it’s fine to be upset. We’re often bombarded with “Don’t feel hatred!! Don’t feel jealousy!! Don’t feel sadness, be bright and optimistic and happy to be healthy!!!!!” that at the slightest negative feeling we experiment, we immediately feel regret, guilt, and this frustration, and this huge necessity to get rid of these feelings when it’s not that way…

Feelings are, as you say, what makes us what we are. Both the negative and the positive ones. And as I think, feelings come and go as they please; we don’t think “I’ll feel happy” to feel it; it gets here on its own, and the only thing we can do is experiment it and offer it ways to be free. Trying to cage away a feeling is like caging a beast that was just passing by; maybe it was scary or would have destroyed some things, but we have to let it walk past. Caging it not only keeps it there for longer than it would have stayed had we let it be, caging it also makes it angrier and stronger. And, unlike real beasts that we could kill (alkdjsflakdgja noooo!!! ;A;), feelings can’t be killed with anything, so sooner or later they’ll come out. So caging them and making them angrier really works for nothing.

That’s what I think, at least. And you gave me the reminder I needed for that; that it’s not about caging and erasing feelings, it’s about letting them be, and that that’s okay. I’m alive and I feel, and part of all that is being upset and experimenting negative things. Negative isn’t equal to unhealthy. It’s just unpleasant…and it’s not eternal. So it’s okay to feel it.

So everything you said is damn true. I’m in one of those cases when you say something in such concise (?) and true way, I feel like I want to aggressively agree, but it’s so well worded I can just say “Yeah, damn right!” and can’t add anything without sounding stupid or repetitive, hahahaha. But really, all that you said, it’s all true and it’s really touching that you gifted such pretty words to me. Thank you, Iridae. It IS sort of frustrating having to deal with these emotions, but it’s about working them.

Thank you for acknowleding all this. It sort of calmed me down and made it easier to work them. Thank you so much…wholeheartedly, buddy. I can’t say it enough :’)

The last bit about trying to treat myself with the same gentleness and understanding that I treat others was, and still is….sort of overwhelming, but in a soft way. It’s like…it felt like a revelation, you know? Hahaha, I don’t know how to describe it….but it felt like that. Like one of those things that make you go “*gentle gasp* ohmygod that’s so true…” and makes you go mute and sit there like a Stupid Thing needing hours to process the information, and through the days you have spontaneous moments where you sit there not blinking and staring into the void and with the head blank because your brain is still processing it alksjdlkadgjalkhjalhj

To treat myself the way I treat others. It sounds so simple and like something I already knew, but I needed a SLAP ON THE FACE WITH A SHOVEL to really understand it. I don’t…mean to sound pretentions or narcissistic, but I do am aware of the way I treat others, because it’s on purpose. The understanding and the kindness and the long answers and the carefully chosen things to say. Mostly the understanding. I’ve worked really, really hard for years since I was a teen to be as understanding as I can be…to be sincere, my reason to that or my “goal” to that is that I want to make others feel in a way that lets them know that, if they ever have anything they’re too shy to talk about, I’m there and won’t judge, I want to feel like…a safe place, you know. Like, not even intimate or personal, just a safe place. As in, someone could be there for one hour and never again say anything to me, that’ll be fine.

I just feel like everyone needs a safe place, and I want others to know that I could be one if they so need. So I try to be as understanding as I can be, acknowledge/validate whatever they feel no matter how “petty” or “unimportant”.My brother says I’m justifying everyone, and that’s more or less what I do, hahaha…it’s not always good, but I’d rather not take the risk of being “malicious” for once and make someone feel bad.

Idk KLDJFGLKAHALKJGADLKGAJ aaaaahhhhhhhh sorry for the random unexpected rant, Iridae, and thank you so much for reading me ;A;

But yah. That felt like a revelation. I guess I took it for granted and assumed that I naturally and on automatic treat myself the way I treat others, but it’s not always like that. I’ll try to be more conscious about it, which I think is the problem of why we tend to not treat ourselves as we treat others; as I said, I’m usually like taht because it’s on purpose, I’m aware of the way I’m acting. But when it’s myself? Not so much. I just let it all naturally flow, and I don’t put the same consciousness and focus in how I treat myself as I focus in others. And it’s not my fault, either, because when we’re feeling something, it’s harder to have the mind clear enough to think about it, unlike when it’s happening to others that, because it’s not you, you have the head clear enough to think.

I think that’s the problem, and you’ve made me have another epiphany that I think I’ll need to sit through with a blank face gazing into nowhere again to process it....u. Damn. r i g h t....

Wow....Iridae, thank you. Thank you immensely, wholeheartedly, and every other sort of ly. Thank you so much, my dear friend. It was such...an eye opener aksdjdklgjafkgj omg I’m having this life revelation HOLY SHIT U DAMN RIGHT.

Flour, today you’ve made me wiser than I was yesterday (it’s a way to say it because I read this as soon as it arrived but you get my point), and that, my dear friend, knowledge of whatever form, is perhaps the biggest gift anyone can give or receive. Thank you so much, buddy. I’ve learned thanks to you, and I don’t know how to thakn you enough. Thank you for sharing these wonderful and kind words with me, and thank you for teaching me/helping me teach myself.

You truly are a magnificent and wonderful creature, Iridae. I’m so happy you decided to write that first ask back in the days. Thank you...

AnYWAYS IRIDAE, THAT’S THAT!!! :D

Thank you so much and immensely again. I won’t tire of saying it. And thanks for writing to me again, buddy!! It’s always a pleasure to answer to you :3

I hope you’re having a MOST PHENOMENAL day or night, buddy! HUGS BACK YOUR WAY!!! (ﾉ´ヮ`)ﾉ*: ･ﾟ

#Anonymous #flour/iridae #coonreplies

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dreamthinkimagine · 7 years ago

Text

Space

WARNING: sad!bones

For @thatkourtnichik. Happy belated birthday!

Doctor Leonard “Bones” McCoy plopped down at an empty table in the Mess Hall. Staring at his chicken, salad, rice, and apple slices for dessert, he really didn’t want to even smell it. A sigh left his mouth as his hands buried his face.

He was sick - not the type of sick that required quarantine. Heck, he didn’t even need to stay in Sickbay as the other doctors and nurses would take care of him, which only happened ONCE, mind you. Leonard McCoy, the ship’s CMO, was sick of space.

Surprise. Surprise.

All he yearned for was the escape of this endless void of chaos - also known as space, to be on his own planet; but that wouldn’t happen for another five years. He wanted Georgia. So right now, what he needed was some peace and quiet and slee-

“Hey, Bones!” Jim sat down across from the doctor. Some unhealthy chicken nuggets and tater-tots with ketchup on his plate and a soda to wash it down. Not to mention a candy bar for dessert.

“Not now, Jim,” Bones said as he still hid behind his hands.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, Jim; just eat. I’m going to assume what you have is that dietary salad I assigned you.”

“It is,” he lied, his eyes instinctively darting to the left. Something was wrong with Bones, and so, he decided to do what made him feel better when he was stressed - food. Maybe it would help Bones too. “I’ll be right back,” he said, took his plate and left the table.

He went to the food synthesizer and ordered Bones some chicken alfredo. He also ordered some dietary salad for himself. If Bones was going to look up at him, he didn’t want him seeing that he lied. That would only make Bones more upset, plus, Jim knew he’d be in trouble.

“Bones,” Jim said and placed the plate down in front of him. “I got you your favorite.”

“Chicken alfredo?”

“Yep.” He peaked through his hands, but still wasn’t willing to eat.

“Sorry, Jim. I’m just not hungry. Did you just replace your dinner with a salad so I wouldn’t know you had chicken nuggets?” How did he even know that, Jim thought to himself.

“That’s not the point, Bones. What’s up?” Even though every crewman in the room was talking, the only thing Jim heard was Bones’ silence. “Bones?” Still nothing. “McCoy, tell me what’s wrong. That’s an order.”

“I already told you, Jim, nothing’s wrong; I’m fine. Eat your salad.” With emptiness filling his heart, he walked back to his Quarters; leaving Jim to wonder.

***

Letting his exhaustion overtake him, he fell onto his bed. Tears welled in his eyes as he blamed space for his misery.

I’ve been separated from my planet, he thought to himself. By billions of miles of the darkness of space.

He didn’t get much sleep that night.

***

The next day, when Bones got back to his Quarters after his shift, he was already done. Still done with space, was tired, and he didn’t have the best day at work either. Darn it, Spock! Not to mention that Chapel decided to play happy music all day to “boost morale”. Didn’t she know he was upset?

As he walked, his foot hit an oddly shaped object resting on his floor. It seemed to be a plastic weapon of some sort. The heck is this, he thought.

Suddenly, he felt something hit the back of his head. It wasn’t hard, but it was enough for him to be willing to to turn around and investigate. It was strange, he couldn’t see anyone, but he did see a soft, yellow projectile flying for his face and it bopped him on the nose. With his annoyance reaching its peak, he picked up the, whatever-it-was, and aimed it at the bed, toward the direction the yellow devil came from.

“Jim?!” He said once Jim’s head popped out from behind the bed. Jim took the opportunity to give Bones everything - which would be using the weapon to shoot his foam cylinders at him as he yelled out some kind of battle cry. Bones instantly dove behind the bed, searching for a means of escape. “What are you doing?!”

“You’re supposed to shoot me back,” he complained only to be hit in the forehead by a yellow blur two seconds later. “Oh the pain!” Jim exaggerated as he threw his arms up and dramatically fell onto the bed as if he was in a Shakespearean play. “Is this the end of Jim Kirk?”

“It will be if you don’t -,” He didn’t know why, but suddenly his emotions became too overwhelming. He threw the, well, he still didn’t know what it was, to the floor and walked away to the other side of the room. Each step he took was heavy, it was difficult to move his legs. Jim sat up on the bed and saw Bones’ shoulders begin to shake up and down.

“Bones?”

“I need to get out of here, Jim.” Jim slowly rose off the bed and made his way to him.

“Why?”

“I’ve got to see Georgia again. I’m homesick, Jim. I’m homesick.”

“Oh,” Jim said as realization hit him. “Just let it out, Bones.” McCoy felt Jim’s hand clasp his shoulder and couldn’t help the cries.

Bones spent twenty minutes crying, explaining his troubles, and leaning for Jim for support - figuratively and literally.

“Better?” Jim asked once Bones had calmed down.

“A little. Thanks. Sorry I pushed you away earlier.”

“It’s fine. You know how often I push Spock away if I feel like I’m going to have an emotional breakdown? Literally, I push him.” Bones smiled weakly at his friend’s joke. “Anyway, I think I know something that will make you feel even better, because everything I’ve tried hasn’t worked.”

“What?” Suddenly, he found himself on the floor, face up, and under Jim. Confused, he tried to ask Jim what was going on, but shut his mouth when he felt fingers gently glide up and down his sides.

“Wanna play like that, huh?” On that note, Jim began squeezing.

“Pfffh...HAHAhahahahahihi!” Then, Jim decided to try kneading his ribs, and was pretty happy with the result. “Dohohohon’t!”

“Why not? You’re laughing, so you must be feeling better.” And with that, he scratched at Bones’ underarms.

“Nohoho!” Bones began to squirm as giggles poured out of his mouth. “Hahahaha!”

Jim’s hands moved to the other’s stomach, causing Bones to curl up with a squeal.

“JIHIHIHIHIM!!”

“Yes, Bones?” He said and moved to the backs of his thighs.

“STAHAHAHAHAP!!” He yelled out as he began to kick.

“Hmmm...No. I think you need this, Bones. I mean I know your grumpy and all and you have that reputation to keep, but it was getting pretty bad; even for you. So, this is for making me worry.” Nothing in the entire universe could have prepared Bones for what happened next. Jim kept tickling his thigh with one hand, and vibrated his other onto Bones’ stomach.

Bones lost it. He was unable to control his bucking and Jim almost got hit and kicked, sometimes at the same time. Even though Bones couldn’t control himself, he was still having the time of his life. His worries lifted from him, he was able to let go and be happy. Genuinely happy.

“GAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! NAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! ST-ST-STAHAHAHAHAHA!!” Seeing that he was unable to form words anymore, Jim decided that he’d had enough and ceased his attack, stood up and smiled at Bones; who was trying to get himself together.

“You know,” he took Bones’ arm and helped him up. “It’s OK to miss Earth. You’ll be there again someday; as Captain I can promise you that. But until we do get back, just remember that you have all of us. All of us here care about you; even Spock. We’re here for you, Bones. I’m here for you.”

“Thanks, Jim.” Jim smiled at his friend.

“Better?”

“Much. Now get out of here and let me sleep, or else...” he said smiling and lifted his hand so it was right in front of Jim’s ribs and wiggled his fingers.

“OK, OK,” Jim said and raised his arms in surrender. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.” As he fell asleep that night, he was warmed by Jim’s words and knew that he was right. Even though he was in space, he had the entire crew, who cared about him, ready to give their support whenever he needed it. And just the thought made being in space that much easier.

#prompt via message #Bones actually did change Jim's diet card to have Jim eat dietary salad #WARNING: sad!bones #ticklish!bones #based off of a headcannon

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annebrontesrequiem · 7 years ago

Note

Hello!! I absolutely love your blog!!! I was wondering if you could do RFA + Saeran reacting to an MC that can communicate with animals?? I dunno, weird idea popped into my head lol.

This sounds like an awesome idea to pop up into your head! I will gladly do this request!!

Zen

He found out in the most ridiculously Disney way possible

You were having a good morning, and those birds were just sitting there waiting to be talked to you

So, you started talking to them, it was Spring after all and you hadn’t had good conversation with any animals since Autumn

And while you were talking you didn’t notice the albino standing right behind you, a look of utter surprise on his face

“MC!” You turned around to see a very confused lover

“Oh, hey Zen~”

Pleasedon’tmentionitpleasedon’tmentionit

Yeah, guess what he does

“Sooo, what was that?”

DammitZen!

You told him, although grudgingly, about how you’d just been born with it, it was a part of you

“I didn’t plan on anyone finding out.” You grumbled

Zen just chuckled and gave you a kiss

“Why wouldn’t you tell me darling?”

You blushed, man he knew how to make you redden

From then on you sometimes talk to animals when he’s around

He always finds it absolutely adorable

Yoosung

He was such a cutie!

A very, very confused cutie

You had found a puppy in the bushes at the base of your apartment, and worriedly began to talk to it, trying to find its home

Taking it inside, you got it some food, all the while still talking to it

“MC who are you talking to?”

“Oh, um, the dog.”

He nearly fainted, no lie, you had to carry him to the couch

When he regained enough consciousness to get in a normal-enough conversation you told him

It was your childhood, and your parents didn’t like you

So, they essentially sold you out to a scientist

It was like you were from a comic book

And Yoosung loved it

“Wow that’s awesome! Did it hurt at all?”

GodYoosungissuchagreatboyfriend

You two returned the dog to its rightful owner, and when Yoosung became a vet you were a great help to his harder cases

Jaehee

She thought she was hallucinating

Yeah, maybe there was something in that cold medicine

Because my girlfriend is talking to a bird

Not in a cooing sort of way, like actual conversation

“MC, I think I’m sick!”

“Oh, my goodness Jaehee what’s wrong?”

“I hallucinated you were talking to a bird.”

“Oh. Um, about that…”

She didn’t believe you

“Are you and Seven pranking me?”

No,pleaseJaeheebelieveme

When she saw that upset you however she softened

“So, how did this happen?”

It was something weird with your genes, you weren’t even sure what

Your personal hypothesis was that you were closer related to now extinct relative sto homo sapiens, but you could never be sure

“Do you think I’m a freak Jaehee?”

“No MC, I think you’re wonderfully special, and this just continues to prove it!”

Baeheebestgirlfriend2k17

You were so relieved she accepted you

Jumin

Also not a huge believer in anything vaguely supernatural

But it was pretty obvious you were having a conversation with Elizabeth III

I mean she was meowing back at your questions and statements, and you were in turn nodding at hers

He didn’t know what else to call it

“MC, why are you, talking, to Elizabeth?”

You jumped out of your skin, nearly spilling soy sauce and stir fry all over yourself

Thankfully he grabbed the bottle right before anything serious happened

Juminbestcatcherofsoysauce2k17

“MC? What’s wrong?”

“Oh, well, um, I kinda, well.”

He looked at you, an extremely concerned expression on his face

You sighed, you couldn’t lie to him

“It’s just that I didn’t want you to know that, well, that I could talk to animals.”

“Why?”

“Well, it’s the result of being kicked out of my home, when I was younger, my parent’s thought I was a freak and turned me out of my house.”

Jumin’s heart cracked a bit at the notion that something as natural to you as this caused you to be kicked out of what should’ve been loving parents

You looked pale, so he swept you up in a hug

“MC, you don’t have to worry, I will always love you, there’s no reason for you to be ashamed of something that’s a part of you.”

You loved him so much

Saeyoung

It began with another escapade

“Saeyoung, why is there a wriggling ball underneath your shirt?”

“What! What ball, I don’t see a ball hahahaha- “

“You stole Elly again didn’t you.”

T-T

He looked down on the ground, and let the cat go

Elizabeth was obviously very disgruntled

And you didn’t want her to kill someone, mainly your idiot lover

“Elizabeth, I’m sorry, that was so stupid! I know he’s an idiot!”

Saeyoung would’ve brushed it off as you messing around, but then the cat replied

The cat replied?!

GodwhyInotalktocats!

Likeifyoucrieverytime!

LolI’llstop

So yeah.

It was more awkward than “the talk”

You told him that it was a family thing, something passed down generation to generation

When you finished talking about how as far as family records and journals go back it was there and how your family was almost all burned as witches in the 1600s he just hugged you

“MC! That’s so cool! I wish I had a special power!”

You giggled

“But you do Saeyoung!”

“Really?” He looked at you suspiciously

“Yes! Do you want to know what it is?”

He lit up like a kid on Christmas

“You are the only one who can make me laugh the way you do, and cheer me up when I’m upset. You have the power of changing me for the better, something brighter.”

He never wanted to kiss you more in his life

It was a good night!

Saeran

He wasn’t sure what to do

He didn’t want to take you to the hospital…

But he sure as heck thought you were cracked

“MC WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO A RAT HOLY SHIT?!”

“I’M TRYING TO GET IT OUT OF THE APARTMENT SHUT UP!”

He just sort of froze up after that, giving you enough time to finish telling it to go away, as its safety could not be guaranteed

But as soon as it was gone he exploded

“HOLY MOTHER OF GOD MC WHAT WAS THAT?!”

Needless to say, that didn’t make you feel good

“Saeran…”

He stopped his freak out when he saw that you were on the verge of tears

Shutting up immediately he picked you up, bridal-style, and carried you to his room

Sitting you on the bed he wrapped you in a blanket

“I’m sorry, MC, I, I was just surprised.”

You just let out a whimper, an acknowledgment

That caused a stab of pain to go through his heart, the memories of his mother’s hate rippling through his mind

Cradling you gently he whispered sweet nothings in your ear

“I’m so sorry MC. I was being inconsiderate, and idiotic. I’m sorry if I caused you pain, I know I’m horrible, I’m really trying, please, please don’t leave me.”

You nuzzled closer to him

“I’ll never leave you Saeran, never.”

From then on whenever you talked to animals, whether puppy or cockroach, Saeran didn’t say anything

He didn’t want you to feel down for something that you were

You were too beautiful for that

It would push him back into the void

Hope ya like! And this time I actually posted it all at once omg it’s a miracle!! Lol, hope you enjoy!

Requests are open so ask me!

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mocharoll · 8 years ago

Text

A tag thing!

Tagged by @dishon-nerd !!! Thank you so much!!! <3 <3 <3

LAST

1) Drink: Green tea!

2) Phone call: With my mom, about wot I'm getting for lunch! (might as well give detailed answers.!! Hahaha!)

3) Text message: To my mom again

4) Song listened to: CP Violation, if that counts! Having sosososo many Half Life feels these days smH!!

5) Time you cried: OoOh! A week ago when I saw Logan!

6) Dated somebody twice: Not really sure wot this means, but I've never dated anyone twice, if that's what it meanz!

7) Been cheated on: Nope, thank Gawd!

8) Kissed someone and regretted it: Nope!

9) Lost someone special: I lost my grandma when I was 13. Don't know if this counts because I wasn't there to experience it first hand, but my grandparents at my mom's side. Both of them, my granddad was an amazing surgeon and my grandma was pretty much a queen, were so so nice and special and they would have made such great grandparents. They passed away when my mom was 17 and I never got to meet them. Would have been the loveliest thing. I miss them every day! <3

10) Been depressed: I don't remember the last time I was, but it was a long time ago thankfully. Probably around 3 years ago when I started getting medication concerning my mental health- and when it was at it's worst. It wasn't a good time, basically! <3

11) Gotten drunk and puked: A year ago actually, though it was much more extreme than that. Haven't had that much alcohol ever since.

THREE FAVOURITE COLOURS

12) Reds!

13) Lilac / violet

14) Fuchsia

IN THE LAST YEAR YOU HAVE YOU

15) Made new friends: Definitely!

16) Fallen out of love: Thankfully! It was making me lose my sense of direction and it was more harmful than positive, so I gradually got over it. But again, was it /truly/ love? I don't think so anymore, but I didn't want to leave this empty!

17) Laughed until you cried: Happens once every week thankfully!

18) Found out someone was gossiping about you: Hhhh, I did! And it was in fact wrong information they were giving each other too, something they'd overheard and I reckon they had absolutely nothing to do so they began to talk about it when they saw me at the canteen, so I went up to them trying to be as polite as possible- and fixed that information, so that the assfarts could at least do it right! Really proud of that moment!

19) Met someone who changed your life: Ohh definitely!

20) Found out who your true friends are: Learned that a lowng time ago, but I was reminded!

21) Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Actually, yus! It was the first day in 2nd grade though

HOW MANY/MUCH

22) Facebook friends: Around 100 I think!

23) Pets: A Lab called Chico!

24) Want to change your name: I'm really fond of it, honestly!

WHAT

25) Did I get for my birthday: A toy microscope, two dresses, an abstract t-shirt, a nice skull ring and skull earrings

26) Time I woke up: 6 am.! Hhhhhh!

27) Were you doing at midnight: Sleepz!

28) Can’t you wait for: whEN Half Life 3 comes one day......!!! Hahahah! Seriously though, when 21st of June finally passes! That's when all my university entrance exams will be over!!

29) Was the last time you saw your mom: A few secs ago!

30) Was something you wish you could change about your life: Definitely how I reacted to distressing situations 3 or 2 years ago- my mind was at a fragile state back then and I've reacted miserably. Wish I could have faced them as my current self. Oh well! <3

31) Are you listening to right now: Nothing, really! Sound of my dog's pants, maybe!? <3

32) Gets on your nerves: My answers are pretty much the same as Josi's, ngl! <3 I hate /especially/ animal cruelty, racists and haters of lgbtq and women rights in general, superficial, uncaring, shallow minded folk.. and assholes in general!

33) Talked to a person named Tom: Ohh! Well it's been at least 4 months since I texted a Tom! Hope he's doing alright! <3

34) Is your most visited website: Either Fallen London or youtube! But I've been on Pinterest a lot as well

35) Elementary school/primary school: A fairly liberal viewed private school with a considerable amount of snobs but really really great people in an even greater number. I love it ngl!

36) High School: Same as above! I'm still there- Iz my last year though!

37) College: To Be Announced.!! Hahahahah! <3

38) Hair colour: Dark brown!

39) Long/short hair: Long-ish right now, but I've always loved short/medium hair!

40) Crush: Always have one! Hhahaha!

41) Do you like about yourself: Hrm! Honestly I've never done something like this! Well, I like how I'm forgiving and able to be positive, passionate about wot I love and how I'm at peace with myself- I love how my heart is open and I love to give affection as much as I love getting it! I like how creative and intellectual I am and how I can fluctuate between super crazy goofy and serious thoughtful attitudes at the right momentz!

42) Piercings: One on my right ear (cartilage)! Pretty sure it's closed now though

43) Blood type: B rH+ ! <3

44) Nickname: Zeyno (most of the time), Raine or Strong (internet fwiends), Queen (family only! Hahahaha!)

45) Relationship status: Lowng distance!

46) Zodiac: Leoooo!!

47) Pronouns: She/her

48) Favourite show: House

49) Tattoos: None for now!

50) Left or right handed: Leftie!

51) Surgery: None, thank Gawd!

52) Piercings: Ear cartilage, hurt a lot but it was kinda fun ngl!

53) Best friend: A gurl called Özge (since like 2nd grade!)

54) Sport: I do mostly swimming and cardio!

55) Vacation: Italy, Greece and Izmir are my favs!

56) Pair of shoes: My first high heeled black boots!

RIGHT NOW

57) Eating: Nothing

58) Drinking: Air!? Hahahahah!

59) I am about to: Rush to the theatre cause it'll start in like 30 mins hhhhhh!!

60) Listening to: Half Life 2 soundtracks

61) Waiting for: my darn nail polish to dry!

62) Want to see: how the city lights look like in the night!

63) Want to get married: Don't really care!

64) Career: At a gud university's research facility, at WHO (maybeeee!!) or working at labs and samples and wot not for a company as a biologist!

65) Hugs/kisses: Kisses! Not much of a hugger!

66) Lips/eyes:Oooh! Hm! Eyes get me nervous sometimes, so lipz!

67) Taller/shorter: Really really don't mind! I'm like 170 cm- anything works!

68) Younger/older: Hrm! This one's kind of odd for me!- With gurls I don't have a preference, but with guys, I like an older guy!

69) Romantic/spontaneous: Romantic!

70) Nice arms/nice stomach: As long as the person is nice, I don't really care! I'm really fond of nice stomachs tho!

71) Sensitive/loud: “sensitive, but loud in the right situations” Exactly this!

72) Hookup/relationship: Relationships- I've never liked hookups

73) Troublemaker/hesitant: Hrm! I prefer a gud mix of the two!

HAVE YOU EVER

74) Kissed a stranger: Not yet.! Hahahah! <3

75) Drank hard liquor: Yus!

76) Lost glasses/contact lenses: Thank Gawd I didn't!

77) Turned someone down: Yus

78) Canoodling on a first date: Nope!

79) Broken someone’s heart: Mrm, once I think- because the feelings this one guy had for me wasn't mutual

80) Had your own heart broken: I think so- I'm lowng over it thankfully!

81) Been arrested: Nope!

82) Cried when someone died: A zillion times (be it fictional or real)

83) Fallen for a friend: I have! That's how that lowng distance relationship started!

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

84) Yourself: Yus!

85) Miracles: Yus!

86) Santa Claus: Not really in the fairytail-ish sense, but as a person in history, I think I do!

87) Kisses on a first date: Ehh, maybe! Depends on how I feel about it!

88) Angels: Ngl, I kınd of do!

89) Love at first sight: Maybe!

OTHER

90) Best friend’s name: Özge

91) Eye colour: Really dark brown!

92) Favourite movie: Don't have /one/ favourite! But I love V for Vendetta, Some Like It Hot, The Dark Knight, Theory of Everything, Logan, High Society, Gone With The Wind, HP Deathly Hallows part 1 especially, Philadelphia is definitely so up there, Fathers and Daughters, Don't Bother To Knock (amazing Marilyn performance!), Niagara, breakfast at Tiffany's, To Rome With Love, Blue Jasmine, Moonlight (hhh!!), La La Land, Spy Game (saved the best for the last!!!!!)

I’m tagging: @theearlgrey @dishonored-pendletwin @galadrielkenobi @imperatorsapphiosa @certified-llama-chauffeur @rubinsammler @bluedarue @stuck-in--the-void @cheesecake-for-dayz @panda-with-problems @zombieparadeimpulses If you guyz want to do it!!!! <33333

#I love these sosososo much!#I love you guyz!

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riskeith · 4 years ago

Note

oh yeah i get that ! glad to hear you’re alright tho <3

i haven’t. i’ve been too busy to play these past days but i think i might pop in tonight to get my adventure rank up so i can progress in the story. hopefully i get to meet him soon. nothing hits better than a mysterious and reserved character 🥴

level 80... god. that’s. wow! hahahaha, and you’ve been only playing for about two months you’re too spectacular girl chill 😰 hopefully it does though i mean a team of level 80 characters is fucking op in itself so !

speaking of revisiting things—i’ve been itching to rewatch haikyuu. i finished bnha over a week ago and i’ve been feeling so empty and sad because i miss them and i know haikyuu will help me fill that void. i know you love haikyuu so i wanted to share hehe. who are your favorite characters/ships? ramble to me about it <3

(also btw, do you watch jujutsu kaisen? it looks super cool and interesting but i haven’t checked it out for myself.)

i meant dancing but wow! how cool!!! also help 😰 you know so many styles and they’re so different too. incredible. i do swim! god i love it so much. i didn’t do it professionally or anything but we used to always go to the pool when i was a child and it used to be the highlight of my life. i miss swimming so much i think the last time i did it was two years ago... :/

profiting of children... yikes. what did you bring with you? and yeah!! we got different food everyday. it was like... real meals for everybody; people that eat meat and people who don’t. and a salad bar! totally for free. the school system here is very good when it comes to things like this tbh. (i mean eduaction in general is free so)

well.... idk what i can say without spoiling it but i think that it will? not in a bad way but in a ‘wow sometimes i take things for granted’ way haha! it’s just a way to realize that sometimes we miss so much amazing things that happen around us in the busyness of our lives. its a beautiful movie and it’s art is breathtaking too.

they do!! and it’s like.. characters you know you love so 🤷🏽‍♀️ it scratches the itch of missing those characters as well i suppose sksjdjdj

they didn’t!! they live streamed it on tv... :/ pretty but i hope people were safe and not Out. i saw some from my balcony and it was super pretty. although it was upsetting that so many people didn’t care about the restrictions... :/

love, m.a. ♥️

hello darling m.a.!!! 💖 it is nearly 2am as i start writing this so… we’ll see how tired i am tomorrow (today) NDKSNDJSJS

aw nice!! yes his personality is… right up my alley of the characters i like HAHAHA i wish you luck in your ranking up adventures!!

yeeeeee i’m about to hit another ascension quest thing so in the meantime i’m gonna grind their talents and artifacts too and hopefully get even more op 😩

omg yes please!!!!! watch haikyuu!!!! 😭😭 i was gonna bring it up again but forgot to… let me know all your thoughts if/when you do! and oh gosh that question… you’re really opening a can of worms here i could write an essay about why ALL the characters and ships are my fave.. fjskdkks but truncated version: i’m setter biased with my absolute favourite being kageyama and probably oikawa being second. kagehina is my comfort ship, iwaoi is the ship i’m most comfortable writing, but i also really like oikage a lot. i’ve also gotten into some rairpairs lately, namely iwakage and iwasemi (notice a pattern LOL)

but also i often neglect mentioning him when asked about faves, but hinata!!! is the goat!!!!! god his growth is so so inspirational and of course where would the story be without him? he is an absolute sunshine and i do love him very much <3

(i’ve watched like 3 eps of it! not sure if i’ll continue watching tbh, but the charas look very interesting 👀)

that’s so good!! i really miss swimming too :( i wanted to go to the pool a lot this (oops, last) year and start like swimming for exercise but then… well you know lol. i hope we both get to go soon!

ah it was just boring stuff. in primary school for recess it was probably a packet of chips or something, then in high school i just ate an apple AHAHAH. for lunch, pretty much always a sandwich! and something to go with it like a muesli bar. yours sounds amazing tho ugh i’m jealous. i’ve always wondered what it’s like to go to a cafeteria and then pick the food you want like they show movies and tv shows. oh wait does sweden rank pretty high in terms of that stuff? i wouldn’t be surprised!

“but i think that it will” HFJSJSKJS. ooooh that sounds interesting tho! always good to keep oneself in check with one’s privilege and fortune 🤔 i’ll watch the trailer properly later! get a feel for it first hehe

it does HAHAHA and like seeing your fave charas in different scenarios? what if this? what if that? and ofc, fics let ships who never became canon be together </333 and make up for lost development and redemptions <333

i sure hope people were being safe and responsible too!! aw that’s sweet! i don’t think i’ve seen fireworks properly in person in years, to be honest. and yeah :(( it’s so disappointing like the restrictions wouldn’t be there in the first place if people just listened sigh. but alas! here we are lol.

hope you’re staying safe! love, c.r. 💙

#marriage anon #wowclunaanswers #long post

0 notes

dear-niko · 6 years ago

Text

January 14th, 2019

“Hahahaha you probably deserved it.”

I probably deserved it.

Deserved.

Earned.

Worthy of.

Her words are swirling around my head... You probably deserved it. Did I deserve it? Did I do something that warranted this response? What could I have done better, so that he wouldn’t be so mad? Maybe it makes me so angry because it’s the same words that I thought to myself time and time again, while I was with him.

You probably deserved it.

You knew he hadn’t slept in 3 days. You know he loves you, you know he’ll pay you back, right? Why can’t you just leave it alone? You probably deserved it.

You’ve felt alone in the bed you shared for nights in a row now, but can’t you trust him? You know he loves you. Why can’t you trust him? You probably deserved it.

You knew he did blow all night, he had only slept 2 hours. Yes, he lied to you about where he was. Yes, he was with another girl. But why’d you have to bring it up now? You probably deserved it.

For five years, I deserved it. I deserved him leaving me on the side of the road because he didn’t want to take me all the way to work. I deserved the constant comments about my figure and not looking “asian enough”. I deserved him leaving me, 3 weeks after my abortion, and I definitely deserved the feeling of wanting to kill myself, because I had believed him when he said he couldn’t get anyone pregnant. I deserved him squeezing his arm around my throat until I started to black out. I earned it. I was worthy of it. My actions merited it.

He knew, and I knew, exactly how to flip the narrative. Because I loved him. I loved him with everything I had. I loved the way he would wake up in the middle of the night and pull my body closer towards him. I loved the way whenever I would complain about being hungry, he would go to the fridge and whip up the most random meals, serve them to me, and tell me “how fucking good” it was going to be before I ever took a bite. I loved that I would come out of the shower sometimes and you would have a towel waiting for me, hot from the drier. I loved how you loved to show me off to your friends, always spoke highly of me in public, wrapping your arm around my waist and beaming proudly that I was yours. I loved that any time I was sick, you would sit next to me on the ground while I puked into the toilet, making me giggle as you constantly chattered in my ear about this and that. Even as I’m typing this, I realize that my verbiage turns from “him” to “you”, because what I saw in you, was this. You were kind to me, you were proud of me, you took care of me, you loved me. And he, HE was cruel. I didn’t know him. You had this dark side that I couldn’t fix, as much as I tried. I LOVED you. And I was wrong to.

I’m so confused. You always had me confused.

I was wrong too, I yelled when I should have walked away. I confronted when I should have left. I stuck around when I knew something wasn’t quite right.

So did I deserve it? Maybe she’s right. I deserved it, because I put myself through it. No one forced me to stay. I kept coming back. Maybe that’s why I’m so angry, because she’s right. The sad truth is, I chose to be with you, with all your toxicity and the horrible ways that you made me feel. I deserved it.

And yet now, now that I’ve had a minute to think... I’m glad that it happened.

You made me feel so alone for years. You made me feel unwanted. You made me feel boring. You made me feel jealous and controlling and insecure. The first times you left, it was soul crushing. I remember the first time I ever thought about being dead. No, I didn’t want to kill myself. I just didn’t want to exist. I wanted everything to stop. The pain in my chest, the emptiness I felt. I couldn’t remember how to be happy. I couldn’t physically make myself smile. These feelings that happened the first couple years, every time you left me. But specifically I remember the moment I wanted to just not BE anymore. And now, looking back, I can’t believe I ever let a person make me feel so low. I can’t believe that I thought you were the antidote, and not the disease itself.

But time went on. Each time you left, I learned something. I learned what your lies looked like, I learned what your manipulation looked like. I started figuring out when I could and could not trust you. And so slowly, I started leaving you.

Now that begs the question, why would you let him back in? If you knew what he was doing, if you started to understand that what he was doing was wrong, how could you let him come back?

I remember the very first time I saw you depressed. We had been dating for a couple months, you practically lived at my house, and one day you woke up and just didn’t care about anything. You normally ran around my apartment, socializing, cooking, planning what we would do for the day. You talked constantly. But this time, you didn’t get out of bed. I remember, you watching Breaking Bad. I remember leaving the room and coming back several times, trying now to be the bubbly, exciting one, to encourage you to leave the room, but you wouldn’t. I didn’t understand at the time. I ended up laying next to you and watching a few episodes before I got bored. And then the next day, you were back to normal. And I didn’t think anything of it.

Now, looking back on my pregnancy, I can recognize those same signs of depression. It’s hard to remember that time, everything was a blur of your dark, cold basement, going to work, snapping at each other, going to doctor’s appointments... It’s like I can’t physically see my memories from that period. It’s like they’re covered with a black haze I can’t see through. No other time in my life is like this. I remember the void of emotion, and I know you felt that way too. Everything was numb, numb, numb... At the time, least we had each other. I remember going together to enroll in WIC, buying our first free groceries. I remember thinking that now, I am on welfare. I remember your family sitting us down, telling us that they would be willing to raise the baby for us. I remember my mild irritation, that anyone would suggest I couldn’t handle my own baby, but also the gratitude for the generous offer, and most of all the guilt, because I knew, deep down, I didn’t want to be a mother. I remember going to the doctor to hear the heartbeat and feeling nothing. I remember your mom sitting me down after the appointment saying the Doctor is concerned, because I did not look happy. I remember her telling me that no one would judge me if I decided not to keep the baby. And I remember, that night, telling you that I wanted an abortion, and the way that you just said, “ok”. I remember the hurt that I felt that you didn’t fight me to keep it, but also the immense relief.

Sometimes I wonder, was that pregnancy, the abortion, everything, just enough to push you over the edge into your bipolar? Was the trauma as deep for you as it was for me? Did you even care? I think you did. In my mind, I think you cared so much, that it might be the last time I truly saw you care deeply about anything. I wonder if I broke you. I wonder if I pushed you into this sociopathic shell. I wonder if it was the first step of the transition for you.

You mentioned killing yourself a few times during our relationship, but I remember the first time I really believed you. You were in my car, the details of our conversation escape me now, but you told me to take you home, because you were going to buy a gun and shoot yourself. And I truly believed you. I hadn’t seen you so dark, before that point. I couldn’t reach you, none of my words were registering in your brain, and so I did the only thing I thought I could, I just kept driving further and further away from your home. And you broke down, and you cried. I had never seen you cry before. I wanted so badly to take the pain away. And so I turned around, I brought you home, and I told you I wasn’t leaving. I crawled into your bed, and I cried next to you for your pain, as you held me, and stared at the ceiling. I was so scared, I didn’t want to lose you. The next day I told your mom what happened, she called and picked you up, and we all took you to the hospital to be committed. I remember visiting you, bringing you a cigarette that we smoked out in the courtyard, worried about being caught. They had diagnosed you with bipolar disorder, type II. The kind where your depression hits you like a truck, and your highs are incredible, but you don’t go full crazy. I told you it was going to be ok, that I still loved you, and we would figure it out. Then visiting was over and I went home. The next day, you called and said they let you out. You didn’t make it the full 72 hours, I’m not even sure how you were able to leave. But you hated being there. You hated the pointless therapy and you didn’t feel like you were getting any better. You didn’t even want to give it a chance.

To be continued...

0 notes

internetdetectives · 6 years ago

Text

OLD - 12/29/16 - Jeremy and Chat

[2016-12-29 11:39:43 PM] ARGdov: HEY HEREMY [2016-12-29 11:39:43 PM] Jeremy J: Or now rather hahahaha [2016-12-29 11:39:48 PM] Grey: ack [2016-12-29 11:39:54 PM] 🎄ADULT_LINK [ID]🎄: hey jero [2016-12-29 11:39:58 PM] Wolfcat: jey jeremy [2016-12-29 11:40:02 PM] ARGdov: Jey, do you remember us? [2016-12-29 11:40:16 PM | Edited 11:40:26 PM] ryann foxx: Jello. [2016-12-29 11:40:16 PM] Jeremy J: Jes haha [2016-12-29 11:40:42 PM] Purpleleven: I've been looking at these for awhile, and thought something was off, but it is true. Base64 doesn't contain any special characters like punctuation, but base85 does [2016-12-29 11:40:59 PM] Jeremy J: It has been so long [2016-12-29 11:41:03 PM] Leliel: Jeremy! [2016-12-29 11:41:07 PM] ryann foxx: yes it has 8^( [2016-12-29 11:41:22 PM] Leliel: I was looking at the skype group for awhile and then I looked a bit harder and then I was like "oh crap this guy's serious business"! [2016-12-29 11:41:30 PM] Grey: which is hilarious by the way [2016-12-29 11:41:33 PM] Leliel: I'm so happy! Welcome back man =D [2016-12-29 11:41:45 PM] ARGdov: are you doing ok, Jeremy? [2016-12-29 11:43:06 PM] Leliel: Are you doing well? Also, do you remember me? =D [2016-12-29 11:43:50 PM] 🎄ADULT_LINK [ID]🎄: ... I found fuckin Saitama in a santa outfit in crosscode [2016-12-29 11:44:07 PM] 🎄ADULT_LINK [ID]🎄: .-. [2016-12-29 11:44:08 PM] Jeremy J: ryann foxx - Today 1:41 AM > yes it has 8^( Turn that frown upside down young one we have no time for sad faces. Soon is the time of action. ARGdov - Today 1:41 AM > are you doing ok, Jeremy? 8^ ) as good as I can be like this, same as always. [2016-12-29 11:44:18 PM] 🎄ADULT_LINK [ID]🎄: 8^y [2016-12-29 11:44:19 PM] Grey: Cross code has a full release now? [2016-12-29 11:44:25 PM] 🎄ADULT_LINK [ID]🎄: nah not yet [2016-12-29 11:44:30 PM] Leliel: 8^O [2016-12-29 11:44:31 PM] 🎄ADULT_LINK [ID]🎄: still in early access [2016-12-29 11:44:35 PM] 🎄ADULT_LINK [ID]🎄: john got it for me for xmas [2016-12-29 11:44:37 PM] Jeremy J: Pay close attention [2016-12-29 11:44:39 PM] 🎄ADULT_LINK [ID]🎄: (thank you john) [2016-12-29 11:45:07 PM] ryann foxx: We will. [2016-12-29 11:45:12 PM] Jeremy J: It has been so long no thanks to that wayward boy [2016-12-29 11:45:33 PM] Leliel: Carry on my wayward son... [2016-12-29 11:45:44 PM] Jeremy J: Insidea if I remember [2016-12-29 11:45:52 PM] Jeremy J: I spoke of him before [2016-12-29 11:45:59 PM] ryann foxx: Kevin. [2016-12-29 11:45:59 PM] Leliel: Yeah, that's the name. [2016-12-29 11:46:21 PM] Jeremy J: Kevin has held things in place [2016-12-29 11:46:39 PM] Leliel: Like new years eve parties> [2016-12-29 11:46:46 PM] Jeremy J: Im not sure what he hoped to gain from this [2016-12-29 11:47:16 PM] Jeremy J: Maybe he thought he could bend the rules to his will [2016-12-29 11:47:32 PM] Jeremy J: Get the outcome he wants all by himself [2016-12-29 11:47:50 PM] Grey: I take it that this didn't work. [2016-12-29 11:47:53 PM] Leliel: Ah, I see. Be on the side of only himself? [2016-12-29 11:48:04 PM] ryann foxx: Hold on... [2016-12-29 11:48:08 PM] Jeremy J: But even She cannot break the rules that hard [2016-12-29 11:48:10 PM] ryann foxx: Nevermind, continue. [2016-12-29 11:48:20 PM] Grey: She? [2016-12-29 11:48:23 PM] ryann foxx: Luna. [2016-12-29 11:48:25 PM] Leliel: What rule was he trying to break? [2016-12-29 11:49:21 PM] Jeremy J: Take control of that which is behind the wall of truth [2016-12-29 11:49:33 PM] Leliel: Oh man, that darn mystery. [2016-12-29 11:49:38 PM] Jeremy J: But he is something like me now [2016-12-29 11:49:44 PM] Jeremy J: We cannot do this [2016-12-29 11:49:46 PM] Leliel: Oh no! ): [2016-12-29 11:50:03 PM] Purpleleven: So he has been found out as well? [2016-12-29 11:50:18 PM] Leliel: Something like you? But not exactly? [2016-12-29 11:51:06 PM] Jeremy J: The difference between me and him is he killed to last beyond his own life [2016-12-29 11:51:09 PM] BKG CircleHunter: oh shit [2016-12-29 11:51:16 PM] Jeremy J: I just worked for it hahaha [2016-12-29 11:51:19 PM] Leliel: dark [2016-12-29 11:51:20 PM] Grey: Do you happen to know a girl named Hope by any chance? [2016-12-29 11:51:29 PM] BKG CircleHunter: i am late to the party [2016-12-29 11:51:33 PM] Jeremy J: But you can see what that got me [2016-12-29 11:51:52 PM] Jeremy J: Death by itself is truly a gift hahaha [2016-12-29 11:52:33 PM] Jeremy J: I long now for only null and void [2016-12-29 11:52:46 PM] Jeremy J: But enough of my problems hahahaha [2016-12-29 11:53:11 PM] Leliel: We'll get you your rest, don't worry [2016-12-29 11:53:25 PM] ryann foxx: So, Kevin tried to play both sides and betrayed all of them, but it backfired? [2016-12-29 11:54:13 PM] Jeremy J: It is currently backfiring after a countless amount of trials and failures and loops back to day one [2016-12-29 11:54:17 PM] Jeremy J: So many [2016-12-29 11:54:55 PM] Grey: ....How amny times have you guys looped?! [2016-12-29 11:55:06 PM] Leliel: Oh! Is Kevin responsible for the time loop? [2016-12-29 11:55:08 PM] ryann foxx: wait wait what if when the title was cycling that was kevin [2016-12-29 11:55:17 PM] Leliel: Hmm [2016-12-29 11:55:20 PM] Leliel: There's too many cycles [2016-12-29 11:55:23 PM] Jeremy J: The ones lost within this place have suffered and those he sought to govern now rebel against him [2016-12-29 11:55:46 PM | Edited 11:55:56 PM] Grey: You mean Hope and the guy who held us at gunpoint? [2016-12-29 11:57:12 PM] Jeremy J: Those events are but the screaming memories of lost moonchildren. Some stuck by association but not related to your own goal. [2016-12-29 11:58:15 PM] Jeremy J: Im glad I died in peace [2016-12-29 11:58:31 PM] Jeremy J: Stabbed in the neck by my own son hahaha [2016-12-29 11:59:32 PM] BKG CircleHunter: so these people we heard from earlier are dead? [12:00:12 AM] Jeremy J: But I was hardly awake while it happened so it was not of much a shock until later or earlier or something hahaha [12:00:39 AM] Jeremy J: circle_hunter - Today 1:59 AM > so these people we heard from earlier are dead? To those who are "living" [12:01:15 AM] Jeremy J: These terms get quite confusing once you are where I have been boy hahahaha [12:01:32 AM] Grey: But we were talking to them, how could they be memories? [12:01:43 AM] Leliel: Is the word conscious fair game? [12:02:02 AM] ryann foxx: I think they're like... [12:02:09 AM] Jeremy J: Leliel - Today 2:01 AM > Is the word conscious fair game? That covers it best I suppose haha [12:02:30 AM] Leliel: Does conscious include the ability to think? [12:02:41 AM] Jeremy J: Sometimes [12:03:07 AM] Leliel: Hmm, then yeah, it does cover pretty well. [12:03:25 AM] ARGdov: ugh, I’m tired [12:03:29 AM] Jeremy J: When She cant take that much from you or chooses to give it to you, yes one may think here haha. [12:03:35 AM] ARGdov: I have to go to sleep, Im sorry, guys [12:03:44 AM] ARGdov: I’ll read through the backlog or the doc tomorrow [12:03:52 AM] ARGdov: best of luck to you [12:03:59 AM] Leliel: Good night Dov [12:04:27 AM] ryann foxx: So they're not like... data ghosts, so to speak? Echoes? They're actually sentient beings? [12:04:36 AM] ryann foxx: Night, Dov. [12:05:26 AM] Jeremy J: There is every manner of thing in this sudo universe [12:05:32 AM] Leliel: Isn't Jeremy one of those people, whose sentient right now? [12:05:39 AM] Jeremy J: This parody of your own reality [12:05:58 AM] Leliel: Sounds like a fascinating world. [12:09:03 AM] Grey: So why the run around with the glitch text [12:11:16 AM] Jeremy J: You can see a little bit of everything from yesterday, today, tomorrow or sometimes more than one or all at once. Its a bit confusing and many things walk through this place besides me. Things from before your world came to be, before She participated in the process of what created it. But NOW I am certainly saying too much and will certainly bring trouble on myself hahahaha [12:11:27 AM] Jeremy J: That can be a story for another time [12:11:49 AM] ryann foxx: Right, that weird parallelos you're trapped in. [12:12:24 AM] 女佣机器人: oh, hey Jeremy [12:13:12 AM] Jeremy J: greyoutt2 - Today 2:09 AM > So why the run around with the glitch text She has an odd fascination,in what she is in control of, for arbitrary challenges since She cannot outright stop someone like me from going where I please. [12:15:13 AM] Jeremy J: Most likely due to its fury in the arbitrary process, which prevents her access to what she desires until she may have it completed. [12:17:13 AM] ryann foxx: Hmmm... [12:17:24 AM] ryann foxx: Is there anything particularly pressing we need to discuss or go over? [12:18:04 AM] Jeremy J: The process I just mentioned of course hahaha [12:19:05 AM] Jeremy J: I have seen a lot of things [12:19:32 AM] Leliel: Hmm, would you have a name for the pseudo reality you live in? It'd be helpful if we had something easy to refer to it to. [12:20:18 AM] Jeremy J: Well I have heard a lot of things call it a lot of stuff [12:20:36 AM] Leliel: A list of names might be more useful then one name, actually! [12:20:46 AM] Grey: How about we call it "The Upside-Down"? [12:21:20 AM] Jeremy J: My "religious group" had a name for it too but that was, in a way, so long ago I have forgotten it. [12:21:32 AM] ryann foxx: Wait, hold up, uh... [12:21:38 AM] Leliel: Darn [12:22:06 AM] Leliel: Maybe the undead world is a fitting name [12:22:21 AM] ryann foxx: I might be able to dig it up... [12:22:26 AM] ryann foxx: It's not the parallelos of the dead... [12:22:41 AM] Leliel: For something temporary [12:22:49 AM] Jeremy J: Many seem to just call it "fake" in disbelief of what they must experience [12:22:52 AM] ryann foxx: Would you be considered 'ascended', whatever the requirements for that are? [12:23:08 AM] Leliel: Then calling it the fake world will do [12:23:35 AM] ryann foxx: Oh, hold up. Fakeworld, haha, that brings back memories of Janus... [12:23:42 AM] Jeremy J: ryann foxx - Today 2:22 AM > Would you be considered 'ascended', whatever the requirements for that are? Probably hahaha [12:23:44 AM] Leliel: Although whether we use it or not depends on how well it catches on with people here. [12:23:56 AM] ryann foxx: Okay, you might be considered a 'finitor'. [12:23:57 AM] 女佣机器人: dead world sounds kind of silly because it's hard to call them "dead" per se [12:24:10 AM] ryann foxx: Or... hm. [12:24:16 AM] 女佣机器人: also idk where we're at here but has anyone ever experienced this place without "dying" [12:24:19 AM] ryann foxx: Parallelos of the Ascended, then, I suppose. [12:24:20 AM] Leliel: I always felt ascension was a state similar to what Jeremy is in but "special". [12:24:24 AM] 女佣机器人: forgive me if I'm late [12:24:37 AM] ryann foxx: http://lunarchildren.com/terminology/parallelos/ [12:24:48 AM] ryann foxx: Well, powerful ascended people are like that [12:24:51 AM] ryann foxx: "Special" [12:24:57 AM] ryann foxx: There's also, like, botched ascensions [12:26:20 AM] Leliel: Well, botched ascension could just be actual death [12:26:38 AM] Leliel: I mean ascension involves electrocution and you mess that up... [12:26:50 AM] ryann foxx: Nope nope [12:26:51 AM] ryann foxx: http://lunarchildren.com/ascension/devium/ [12:26:59 AM] ryann foxx: More than just electrocution, drowning, bunch of other stuff [12:27:21 AM] ryann foxx: If you're not trained properly, you can get trapped in 'portals' like Johnisdead.com, and presumably YSHDT.net. [12:27:50 AM] Leliel: Hey Jeremy, what do you think of the stuff Ryann is linking? [12:27:55 AM] ryann foxx: Anyway: [12:18 AM] Jeremy J: <<< The process I just mentioned of course hahahaYou said we need to discuss this? [12:29:11 AM] 女佣机器人: oh nevermind, I read that site Ryann linked and it answered my question oh cool Scrying [12:29:21 AM] 女佣机器人: I wonder if Scrying Mirrors will come of use in some way, shape, or form [12:29:31 AM] ryann foxx: scrying? [12:29:33 AM] 女佣机器人: inb4 MM specific Mirror shield [12:29:45 AM] BKG CircleHunter: i almost bought an obsidian mirror a while back [12:29:50 AM] BKG CircleHunter: still really want to [12:30:18 AM] BKG CircleHunter: but that's because of an entirely different cult [12:30:24 AM] BKG CircleHunter: of the colored shellfish variety [12:30:28 AM] 女佣机器人: [12:29 AM] 女佣机器人: <<< oh cool Scrying I wonder if Scrying Mirrors will come of use in some way, shape, or form inb4 MM specific Mirror shieldI say this because it's the closest to the idea and there's no Mirror shield that is black, even though Scrying Mirrors are typically black. [12:31:19 AM] 女佣机器人: basically the Scrying section on lunar children describes exactly what it is, but in various forms of witchcraft it uses a black mirror to see things within the reflection [12:31:22 AM] 女佣机器人: or lack of one, whichever [12:31:38 AM] ryann foxx: there's a scrying section on the lc site? [12:31:48 AM] 女佣机器人: it's in Parallelos [12:31:58 AM] Leliel: I'll probably start heading to bed after what Jeremy says next [12:32:04 AM] 女佣机器人: Scrying: Looking into a parallelos to attain visions. One may also without having ascended to attain visions of past, present or future. Though it is possible to do this with various devices, Scrying can be done with the mind alone by those of the parallelos path teachings, and with much greater accuracy but at the high cost of mental vitality. It is thought that over use or misuse may cause blindness. [12:32:56 AM] 女佣机器人: a crystal ball might also be considered Scrying [12:33:14 AM] ryann foxx: [12:32 AM] 女佣机器人: <<< It is thought that over use or misuse may cause blindness.hey, didn't Jeremy's brother go blind in one eye or something I know some guy's brother did [12:33:25 AM] Jeremy J: Yes, there is a ceremony of sorts. One that requires the four giants, one who is living and the "mask" that is placed upon him. [12:34:53 AM] Jeremy J: Kevin believes he shall gain much more power from causing this ceremony to unfold and bring about her time. [12:35:12 AM] 女佣机器人: when scrying, do some go blind from seeing Her, as it has been said in the past mortals are not meant to do so? [12:35:17 AM] Jeremy J: Ifrit, in a manner of speaking, still walks your earth. [12:35:49 AM] Leliel: I have to sleep now [12:35:53 AM] Leliel: Its nice seeing you again Jeremy [12:36:03 AM] ryann foxx: Ifrit's... possessed, right? By something? [12:36:08 AM] ryann foxx: Night, Leliel. [12:36:17 AM] Leliel: Night, Ryann [12:36:29 AM] 女佣机器人: I'm curious because we could be misinterpreting various lines about eyes being taken this entire time /shrug [12:36:33 AM] Jeremy J: He believes he will make himself the one holding that "mask" [12:37:14 AM] ryann foxx: Who does, Kevin? [12:37:28 AM] Jeremy J: But in his state has been blinded from the truth [12:37:36 AM] Jeremy J: ryann foxx - Today 2:37 AM > Who does, Kevin? Ifrit [12:38:55 AM] Jeremy J: That one has already been chosen [12:39:10 AM] Jeremy J: He was chosen then and he is chosen now [12:39:42 AM] Jeremy J: He is chosen everytime no matter how many "times" it comes to pass [12:40:11 AM] Jeremy J: And there is no "time" in which this changes [12:40:35 AM] ryann foxx: What's with the quotes around "time"? [12:41:10 AM] Jeremy J: That one is Tyler [12:41:16 AM] 女佣机器人: idk if you guys have discussed Thoth yet, but there are some interesting things behind Thoth worth appreciated based on a character's username being such, whether relevant or not. such as Symbol Moon disk, papyrus scroll, reed pens, writing palette, stylus, ibis, baboon, scales [12:41:19 AM] Jeremy J: But I feel you knew this [12:42:26 AM] Jeremy J: The ceremony has already occured partially [12:43:22 AM] Jeremy J: Only due to the ignorance of those involved [12:43:45 AM] Jeremy J: But the next part involves you all [12:44:06 AM] 🎄ADULT_LINK [ID]🎄: binding of Isaac is an amazing and broken game [12:44:09 AM] 🎄ADULT_LINK [ID]🎄: 100/10 [12:44:10 AM] ryann foxx: The Ceremony of the Three Elements? [12:44:14 AM] Oceanstuck, Knight of Light (Lewis): yo lonk arg shit is happening [12:44:16 AM] ryann foxx: Is that the ceremony? [12:44:18 AM] 🎄ADULT_LINK [ID]🎄: o oops [12:44:38 AM] 女佣机器人: I never thought having some fun facts due to enjoying various forms of neo-paganism would be of any (possible) relevance but I'm now interested in Thoth, the character. [12:44:47 AM] ryann foxx: "Just as well, one of the most important ceremonies involving the return of mother, involves the gathering of 3 very important individuals representative of the three silver secrets. This ritual is known as the Ceremony of the three elements." [12:45:47 AM] 女佣机器人: "The magical powers of Thoth were so great, that the Egyptians had tales of a 'Book of Thoth', which would allow a person who read the sacred book to become the most powerful magician in the world. The Book which "the god of wisdom wrote with his own hand" was, though, a deadly book that brought nothing but pain and tragedy to those that read it, despite finding out about the "secrets of the gods themselves" and "all that is hidden in the stars". [12:46:08 AM] ryann foxx: Book. [12:46:14 AM] ryann foxx: Book taken from the Lunars. [12:46:20 AM] ryann foxx: I think we should let Jeremy finish typing now. [12:46:27 AM] 女佣机器人: we should, yeah [12:46:58 AM] 女佣机器人: and I wouldn't take everything from stories about Thoth, but there are some interesting parallels that are probably due to good research on GM's part, if nothing else [12:47:15 AM] Jeremy J: Not exactly sure what three elements are supposed to be, I might have been at some point. But book reminds me, somone actually wrote a book a long time ago hahaha [12:47:48 AM] Grey: Fascinating. [12:48:31 AM] ryann foxx: The Libro Lunarus? [12:48:34 AM] 女佣机器人: http://www.sacred-texts.com/egy/ael/ael08.htm here's the story of Ra's curse (Nut being unable to have children) being broken by Thoth, a god who was in love with her. [12:48:35 AM] Jeremy J: The book consisted of "whispers" from that evil thing [12:49:57 AM] 女佣机器人: how old is this book, and where could we find it? [12:50:20 AM] Jeremy J: The one copy of it was defaced by someone I used to be very friendly with and filled with many of his grief driven delusions. [12:50:59 AM] 女佣机器人: was that someone Kelbris? I apologize, its been awhile so I cannot recall his true name at the moment. [12:51:10 AM] Jeremy J: Delusions I mostly followed, if for nothing else, due to my fondness of him. [12:51:34 AM] Jeremy J: He was a very good friend until the incident [12:51:50 AM] Jeremy J: But that is not really relevant hahaha [12:52:10 AM] ryann foxx: The three elements or secrets, would two of those be Power and Wisdom? [12:55:42 AM] Jeremy J: insertcreativeusername - Today 2:50 AM > was that someone Kelbris? I apologize, its been awhile so I cannot recall his true name at the moment. Kelbris was a very good friend and it was quite a shame how he was treated by the "family". But naturally as soon as they realize he had some sort of power they go and pretend he was their saint and chase after any crumb they can get from him hahaha [12:59:21 AM] Jeremy J: Yes Hank was the one who got his hands on that book. From where I cant be sure, but probably from that dark deed he went through with. As a father myself it was hard for me to be understanding. But I stuck by the old fool, guess that was a mistake hahaha [1:00:03 AM] ryann foxx: The dark deed... is that referring to what he did to his son? [1:00:14 AM] 🎄ADULT_LINK [ID]🎄: (psst hey scoot) [1:00:41 AM] 女佣机器人: would you say he was possibly rewarded with this book, by another? Whether a "higher" power, or a normal person with similar beliefs [1:01:11 AM] 女佣机器人: and if we can trace its origins, is it possible such knowledge could help us stop all of this? [1:01:32 AM] ryann foxx: I think LiquidSaint/SKM/Alex has the book. [1:02:25 AM] 女佣机器人: I wonder if there's a way to get it from them, in some sense, but given what Jeremy has said doing so would probably have some pretty dark implications on our part [1:02:51 AM] 女佣机器人: if so I'm not sure everyone would be on board with what that would probably entail, depending. [1:03:31 AM] 女佣机器人: But, it could be similar to TribeTwelve's journal situation [1:07:35 AM] Jeremy J: No need to its use has passed at this point, the knowledge within is muddled with falsehoods. What is true would only make you like me in the end, I promise that is not something to give praise to hahaha. But the ritual occurred in the building where this whole mess started. Tyler has understood what he must do to escape. But I am here now to tell you something [1:08:21 AM] Jeremy J: Something honestly I am a bit afraid to say, seeing as she can still see what she cant touch haha [1:09:38 AM] Jeremy J: I told you before you will be given a choice and it is up to you, the ones involved. To finish this little legend. [1:10:49 AM] Jeremy J: I am not going to go into detail I will be in enough trouble already [1:11:04 AM] Jeremy J: But that choice will be [1:11:43 AM] Jeremy J: Will you "turn off the power" so to speak [1:12:36 AM] Jeremy J: Will you kill it? [1:12:56 AM] ryann foxx: It? [1:12:56 AM] Purpleleven: What exactly would we be shutting down? [1:13:43 AM] Jeremy J: That poor amalgamation of a soul [1:14:08 AM] Jeremy J: That sick creature trying to control it for her will [1:14:16 AM] Grey: Amalgamation? [1:14:20 AM] Purpleleven: We have the power to "turn off" Luna? How? [1:14:30 AM] ryann foxx: Mr. D [1:14:31 AM] Jeremy J: Ben [1:14:32 AM] ryann foxx: I believe. [1:14:36 AM] Jeremy J: Tyler [1:14:39 AM] Jeremy J: BEN [1:14:44 AM] Purpleleven: AH, whoops [1:15:09 AM] Jeremy J: Mr.D also works [1:15:23 AM] Jeremy J: It was one title it went under [1:15:32 AM] 女佣机器人: [1:13 AM] Jeremy J: <<< That poor amalgamation of a soul That sick creature trying to control it for her willBetter for the world as a whole Better for the tool being used, this implies, to be ended. I would say the answer is definitely to kill it. [1:15:52 AM] Purpleleven: That seems all to simple a solution though. I suspect that would not actually get rid of the issue that is Luna, just the symptoms as we would have to deal with them. [1:16:22 AM] ryann foxx: I don't know if Luna is an issue, per se, she seems at most neutral, not benevolent or malicious. [1:16:52 AM] Jeremy J: ryann foxx - Today 3:16 AM > I don't know if Luna is an issue, per se, she seems at most neutral, not benevolent or malicious. I am afraid you are mistaken [1:17:12 AM] Purpleleven: I think we've known for a bit that Luna basically eats souls [1:17:36 AM] Jeremy J: That thing most certainly would love nothing more than to have you by the neck [1:17:36 AM] 女佣机器人: If a god has no worshippers, is it a god? D E L E T B O O K D E L E T C U L T [1:17:54 AM] ryann foxx: Probably. Right, so Luna is an issue. [1:18:04 AM] Jeremy J: Jeremy J - Today 3:17 AM > That thing most certainly would love nothing more than to have you by the neck This is a very laughable understatement hahaha [1:18:19 AM] ryann foxx: And Mr. D gets her, or it, power? [1:18:26 AM] Purpleleven: So, what would removing BEN do to efforts on stopping Luna? [1:19:25 AM] ryann foxx: [1:11 AM] Jeremy J: <<< Will you "turn off the power" so to speak [1:19:33 AM] ryann foxx: I believe it acts as a power source, or something? [1:25:22 AM] Jeremy J: Tyler while under the control of the "mask" acts as a sort of way point for her from this world. The giants shall then make the way for her to enter(which is and always has been their only true purpose as the giants are not who they inhabbit but beings from long before your time). However those who granted this rite power made these conditions final. [1:26:14 AM] ryann foxx: A waypoint. Like a link? [1:26:23 AM] ryann foxx: Hence why he was called the Harbingers' Link. [1:26:28 AM] 女佣机器人: Tyler becomes a vessel, perhaps? [1:26:45 AM] Jeremy J: You could say he is a link if you like hahaha [1:27:19 AM] Jeremy J: I need to get going [1:27:42 AM] Jeremy J: I have put myself in danger for my loud mouth as usual [1:28:01 AM] Jeremy J: Would not want the mess to spill over to you hahaha [1:28:13 AM] ryann foxx: Good luck, Jeremy. Stay safe, if there's any semblance of that thing wherever you are. [1:28:51 AM] Purpleleven: So we shut off BEN, completely removing Tyler, but we stop Luna from gaining any more power? Good luck with whatever goes on where you are. [1:29:10 AM] ryann foxx: Or free Tyler from the mask, maybe? [1:29:20 AM] 女佣机器人: idk, it might be too late for that. [1:29:33 AM] 女佣机器人: However those who granted this rite power made these conditions final. [1:30:08 AM] BKG CircleHunter: Are there others like you willing to help? [1:30:13 AM] BKG CircleHunter: Able to give advice? [1:30:54 AM] Jeremy J: If you can somehow at some point get to that nice young lady for me [1:31:04 AM] Jeremy J: Tell her I said hello again

0 notes

0225pm · 7 years ago

Text

04 dec 2017

yooohoo

so it's currently 11:43pm and i'm writing this in the toilet as i poop.

didn't do much today but i met dayah and we went to bedok singpost for awhile in the afternoon cus she had to top up the current for the house. and then we went to bedok mall to have our late lunch. i suggested eating at fish n chicks cus i really wanted to try their hawaiian chicken set but we ended up just having lunch at 18chefs instead cus she didn't really feel like having anything there after looking at the menu. kinda bummed but i guess there's always a next time (hopefully!!). i wanted to have my usual (the tomyum fusilli or the curry rice with beef) but didn't wanna go over my budget of 10 bucks so i just got the cheese baked rice under the student meal which is also my usual when i wanna eat something nice and filling but at the same time still save!! cus their student meal automatically comes with a drink (the standard ice lemon tea) and dessert (ice cream of the day). so for about $10 or less, you practically get a whole meal which to me is really worth it if you feel like having "normal" food instead of fast food all the time.

after our lunch, she had to fill the current up so we went back to her place and i waited for her with the neighborhood cat. super cute, i should have taken a photo so i post it here but i didn't lol. and then she booked an appointment at the doctor's cus of an injury she had during her trip at pulau ubin. damn clumsy af wth. her hands and a side of her face were covered in scars from all the thorns and she has a really bad bruise around her abdomen and bladder area wtf. i fuckig told her to go for an xray since it's such a sensitive area but stubbornly refused zz no matter how many times i advised her to.

but ya anyway while waiting for her appointment, han suddenly called me and asked me if i want to accompany him cut his hair or not today. i said yes!! cus i told him before to bring me if he wants to cut his hair but i can only leave around 7 or so i thought.... cus i actually reached his place around 9 lol. i felt bad just leaving dayah there so i waited till she sees the doctor before i left and took an uber down to han's place. unfortunately, by the time we reached the barbershop it was already 9:15pm and they closed at 9pm so we actually missed it by 15 minutes. sadly.

then han raged like a madman for awhile, kinda like a screaming child throwing a little bit of tantrum (jk lol i love you bb!!!!!!) because he really wanted to get a haircut today. he couldn’t tahan how long and bushy his hair has become cus he felt rimas hahahaha. imo, he can style his hair up a little like what he did last time since his fringe was getting in the way but lol i didn’t really suggest that to him just now cus i don’t think he’ll do it even hahahahha. and then he had a short moment of regret cus he felt that he should have just went ahead and got his hair cut, instead of waiting for me and going together.

after he was done being a madman, we walked towards the mrt because there’s an eatery nearby selling really cheap food, something like ananas. and he bought set A which is nasi lemak. there were pretty much only noodles and other fried food available since the eatery was already preparing to close for the day.

then we walked around, to look for a sitting area at the void deck so he can sit down and eat. honestly, it would have been easier if we just go sit at his block’s void deck, but i was trying to avoid all chances of seeing his mom since i wasn’t properly dressed. the thing about me is that, i like wearing shorts or skirts more than jeans or pants or whatever long bottoms because i feel so restricted covering up all the skin on my legs (lol) but at the same time, i think it is rude for me to show up with a “naked” bottom, especially in front of the older generations. i think most malays (muslims) can relate to this. like tbh, my parents are super okay with me wearing shorts or skirts out but i don’t want to give a bad impression to others you know. and like, i know i should be myself and all but i don’t want to put whatever good (i hope) impression his mom have of me in jeopardy (even tho she already saw me wearing a skort ONCE). and tbh it is hard for me to be super comfortable around his mom cus she seems so traditional. like you cannot have any skinship because it’s haram and all lol whereas for my mom, she’s like super duper ok with skinship (she kept teasing me by saying things like “ooooh later far touch touch here (my thighs)” whenever i wear shorts/skirts out to meet han) but ya like apparently she’s totally fine with skinship. like even when han went over to my aunt’s and then sat beside me, being all chummy and touchy by laying on my thighs, or my shoulders, holding my hand etc, she didn’t even say anything when she saw it. it’s like she’s totally ok and sometimes i feel like she’s even encouraging the skinship actually LOLLLLLLLL istg!!!!

ok ya then we walked around looking for seats, petted some cats (we saw 4 cats!!!) and then finally just decided to walk back towards another block near the mall and found an empty sitting area!!! han ate and then we talked about his work, and other stuff. today was also the day i realised that han doesn’t like jobs that are gaji buta HAHAHAH. he prefers to be doing something on the job rather than just idling away not doing anything. but he also told me that he might not be able to last long at his current workplace due to experience-wise as well as the people there who are not really willing to teach him hands-on. just passing him some paper/manual thingy and asked him to read it instead of using his phone. tbh i find that quite shitty???? it was pretty much mundane at the start of the day until he was given a task to cut boards thingy till the end of his shift. by 1030pm he was already getting really sleepy and tired, i guess his body clock is rewiring itself since it was pretty much fucked during the weekends and then i suggested that i should go home then so he can have an early rest. our meetup was short but honestly it was worthwhile going back and forth just to see him even if there wasn’t any skinship involved. and i’m not sure if he feels the same way but to me, just being around him makes me happy tbvh. like we don’t even have to be looking at each other or whatever, but his presence makes me feel like i’m not alone. i’m not talking about companionship but like you know the feeling of being able to share someone’s joys and pains. ya it’s that kind of feeling. i don’t think i explained it very well but i think you somewhat get the gist of it. then he wanted to book a grab home for me even though i said it was ok and i can just take the train cus it was only about 1030pm anyway and there’s still trains available probably up to 11+ even!! i told him to save his money (cus he got his pay of 3 days! the company damn good sia i thought usually most companies will bring forward the extras to the next month) but he stubbornly refused and still wanted to book a grab home for me so i gave in and since i haven’t had dinner, i told him that i wanna singgah 7-11 for awhile to get something to eat.

initially i was looking at getting a tuna onigiri (number 1 fav onigiri filling!!) and then i saw garlic + cheese bread and i really like garlic bread as well even though your breath will stink for abit due to the garlicky flavor but lmao idc and thought of getting both the garlic bread and the onigiri. but then i walked around and saw nissin’s cup noodle which is my second fav brand of cup noodles for tom yum flavor!!!! super love because the soup base is spicy and sour and salty wah damn shiok la but i don’t think it can beat this other brand that i super love but idk the name of the brand cus its in another language lol i think chinese???? but it’s only sold at sheng siong outlets and it costs about 90cents per cup. fucking nice istg it’s the most spiciest tom yum/shrimp flavored cup noodles i have ever tried. if i can find it one day, i’ll remember to snap a photo of it! ok but ya so i ended up getting one cup noodle, the garlic bread and instant tteokbokki. tbh i want to spend all my money on 7-11 HAHAHAHHA i love instant fooooood so unhealthy but so good wth!!!! why do unhealthy food taste so good omg

and then han grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the store cus he knows if we stay there any longer i might make impulse purchases on food haahahahahah

after that he booked a grab for me which i had to share with someone else apparently cus the person was already on the ride. tbh i don’t mind sharing but i don’t really like sitting in the front cus super leceh esp with my bulky bag all then still must put on seatbelt (ya ok i know actually should put on seatbelt at the back also just in case anything happens) but ya then i told han that if there’s only one rider i’m gonna sit at the back je. the grab came and then we quickly kissed and hugged each other goodbyes and yesss lol i sat at the back cus there was only one rider sitting on the left so i decided to just sit on the right instead of the front hahahahahhaha the guy inside was kinda shock that i chose to sit behind i think cus usually second riders would rather sit in the front than with another random passenger at the back but lol idrc. then the driver dropped me off first. i got home around 1130pm, the journey felt so long but yet so fast lololol but by the time i’m home, han already ko HAAHAHAHHA

it’s gonna be another working day for him tomorrow!! second day of the week, 3 more days to go :>

jiayou my sayang hehe i love you!!! <3

#adaywithhan #decemberwithhan #041217

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brown-rice · 7 years ago

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Taking a break from the midterm study/note-taking grind

Got a midterm, quiz, matlab, and math assignment due this week, with 2 more back to back midterms next week, so I’m stressing a bit. Spent the last two days just sitting and rewriting notes but I feel like I’m not retaining anything hhhhhh. Looking forward to going home, seeing some good people and my dog this weekend though. I can kinda feel myself getting sick tho, feelin’ pretty week b/c of my period, school, and stomach problems again.

Anyway, tomorrow is the start of week 3. I’ve been going to school for 2ish weeks now and have been living in this condo with my condomates for about 3 weeks now? I’m still in a really bad place emotionally/mentally, but I guess I’ve come to tolerate most of the things going on around here. Still floating around with no hope and dreams of my own, but I’m trying my best, doing the work and going to class, only missing one day because I felt like actual garbage.

Living in this new place is really weird for me. Not that I’ve changed the way I live, but I’m sharing a room and “home” was the only place that I could be terrible and sleep all day and just kind of be off? But with people, I want to keep up appearances and try a lot to hide when I feel shitty. I can’t really figure out why I do that. I share a room with Ashley and I’ve already seem her cry several times about relationship stuff, and I’ve comforted her. I’ve fussed over Doni feeling sick, and say hi to Asher and Punit when they pass by. I try to stay out of my room and be friendly. And it’s pretty stressful hahahaha. In the beginning there was a much more noticeable rift between Ashley, Doni and I as one side and Asher, Punit, and Punit’s gf who is around pretty often. It’s not that we do anything against each other, it’s just that we don’t really interact beyond those trios, which kinda bummed me out, but I don’t care too much as long as everyone respects boundaries. There was a lot of passive aggressive stuff going on in the beginning, but after the first house meeting, things got better. My biggest peeve is probably that I’m a lot cleaner of a person than I thought? At home I did a lot of the cleaning, sure, but that was only when things were actually dirty. Things just never seem to stay clean here, which does bother me a bit, but we have a cleaning rotation going on now, if the others are going to actually do it. I also just feel really gross here for some reason, like when I shower it still feels like I’m not clean, and Ashley feels the same. We also keep getting bitten by bugs we never seen and have no idea where they’re coming from. I’ve been breaking out a lot more than I did before. Doni really wants me to open up to him and I’m just, super hesitant for no reason really. I’ve been holding back a lot since the summer. A nice thing is that Ashley’s cat loves me a lot, and kinda fills the void for my dog. He always sleeps on my bed lol. We also kinda opened up a Jewish scroll in the house whoops. Ashley’s always playing/talking to her other friends online, so while I want us to be good friends (and we are b/c we get along very well even tho she’s messy sometimes and has an annoying keyboard, we really don’t have any bounds? like we get changed and everything in front of each other lol) there’s also a wall that I feel. Everyone really keeps to themselves, except me and Doni. We’re usually out and about downstairs at the table, him paying League while I take notes. I suppose we’ve gotten closer. Ashley, Doni and I always try to get boba for each other if someone’s out getting some. Doni and I have lot of late night convos and he really wants us to be better friends, and I know that he actually would be there for me, but there’s just something about his advice that I’m so adverse to. That and I’m probably afraid of being let down again.

Regarding school, I had a really bad first day for no real reason. I just felt super horrible and wanted to cry when I got home, which was only made worse the next day when Punit and Ashley threw a party (I got some alc out of it but still). I just felt super alone in everything and really out of place b/c the condo doesn’t feel like home, but my home in Riverside doesn’t feel like home either. I just feel like I’m in limbo and don’t know what to do about it. But I’m really trying. During orientation, Ashley and I met a group of people who were all new students and really chill, we even all swapped numbers and planned to do stuff, but that all fell through so fast. Classes themselves are alright?? There aren’t any assignments to do, but I just feel like I’m behind on everything, even my low div bio class where I’ve already learned everything there. I just feel really uneasy like I can’t do anything or that I’m gonna fail. I fall asleep in class pretty often even though I get a decent amount of sleep. It’s weird. I didn’t expect my biochem class to be that hard, but I’m really stressing since it’s not clear what we’re gonna be tested on. Ochem is a mystery b/c while I know half of the class material, I don’t know where they left off. I kinda wish I had stayed at Mt.Sac to finish up the ochem series, but too late now whoops. Math is questionable but easy at the same time? It’s a weird feeling. So all in all, school is fine academically. I don’t really have any good friends that I can study or hang out with, and I’ve come to enjoy the alone time. At first, it was really lonely. I spent the whole first week trying to get to know people and join clubs b/c I realized that the people I considered important really didn’t think of me that way, at least not to the extent that I felt, and that’s okay. I have to learn to let those people go and that sucks, but I can’t keep being there for people who don’t care about me. I want to make good friends that return my feelings and sentiments, so I need to go out and try. It’s really tiring. I used to be able to call myself someone that makes friends easily, and I do, but I’m stopping myself from taking the extra step, and I can feel myself pulling back and away. I just don’t want to try anymore really, for new and old friends. I really hate losing old friends, especially ones built from long years of friendship, but people grow apart and I’ve done too much fighting for and taking care of people and blaming myself and letting people take advantage of me. It bothers me so so much that my close friends are the ones that know I’ll always be there and take advantage of that fact. Even if I end up with less close friends before and a lot more alone time, I want to and will be okay with it. I’m getting involved in KP and KOTX, but as a transfer student, it’s proving to be really hard to break into circles that have already been established since Year 1 and many other transfer students that I get along with already have old friends who actually care about them, like Ashley. Being away from Riverside has made me realize a lot of harsh things and I so desperately want to get away from everything and either die or start somewhere new. I can’t be there for people anymore if they’re not gonna be there for me, and even if I want to answer those late night texts and calls of crying, I won’t do it anymore. This is it, and if that’s mean then that sucks I guess. Hopefully once I get picked up into my KOTX and KP fams, I’ll have some good friends. Same goes for other upper divs for my major. So far I’ve made chill friends with another transfer student named Luke in my bio class. We remind each other that there are clickers and he plays LoZ in the back of the class while I read manga. I went to the manga club and the quidditch team, but they were both hella cringe. I might go back to the anime/manga club, but who knows. Triton gaming, I might see if there’s a sm4sh event.

Another thing about friends is that I’ve got back into strong friendships with Roman and Kinuth???? Roman and I used to be really good friends during our time in hs, but kinda grew apart as he found his place and became more social while the Breadsix was growing apart. He and I have math class together and that’s probably the only reason why we hang out, but he’s sort of become my dining dollars sugar daddy LMAO. We study and eat together a lot, and I’ve chilled with his roommates sometimes b/c he lives on campus and I need somewhere to sleep during big gaps. So while It’s really nice hanging with Roman, I feel like after this quarter we’ll go back to not really talking or seeing each other that much outside of maybe KP. Kinuth is probably the most unexpected thing to happen to me so far. He just kinda showed up with Doni one day, and we’ve always had a vitriolic kind of friendship? So now we actually hang out and message every day. I knew he went to school here, but I just wasn’t expecting him to try being friends with me b/c he doesn’t really seek close friends. We’ll see where this goes tho. One of the sadder things is probably Meagan. She only comes to our places b/c Ashley and the cat are here, and I hear even less from her now that we’re in the same city. I dunno, maybe we’ve just grown apart too much. Same goes with how I feel towards Katherine, Joel, and even Rich. Landon a bit too, but less because we actually chat/message and he came the last weekend to visit. Normally Landon and I talk a bunch, but I really kept to myself, tho the quiet was still comfy. Dunno how long that’s gonna last. The stuff in the summer really fucked me up with how I feel towards all of them, and I’m slowly letting go, but it’s not like any of them are going to fight for our friendship. The SC thing’s probably gonna phase out too anyway, not like anyone responds unless I have to call people out. I’m just so tired with people and friendships and I don’t want to try anymore, and as I get comfier and comfier with being alone, I feel like I’m going to fall into that. It’s dumb, and I’m trying not to by going out and being active, but hey. I feel like I’m reaching out and trying to be honest when people say things like “pls trust me I’ll be there for u” and then I feel so let down b/c no one is there for me and it sucks. I posted in the group chat and nothing happened, it was a read message and idk why I keep doing this to myself. I’ve still got a lot of negative feelings about a lot of things with nowhere to put them. Even if I talk to people, I’m racking my brain for a solution that I don’t have and all I really want is a solution.

Everything I do or feel seems like a big fat whatever and I don’t really know what to do about anything anymore. I feel awful all the time, but there’s no time to rest because of classes. Falling into sleeping all day again. And honestly I’m terrified of letting that happen. The only other thing keeping me grounded is reading fics. Week 3/10 so far. I’m gonna try applying to some jobs too. I’m really trying my best here. All I want is to have a stable income and a place of my own. Thinking about getting my own place after this year if I get a job and can afford it. Maybe live with my sister. Maybe leave SoCal and go to Davis for more school stuff. Still a lot of wanting to die feels but hey, that’s why I’m living with people, to stop that from happening. Hopefully things will work out.

#this got way longer than I wanted it to #i guess i was holding onto a lot of stuff #like usual really #talking to kisara and val is helpful but like #i just really miss having good close friends that i could chill and count on whenever #i'm going home this weekend and i even messaged the people in riverside that i was going home #only rich responded and honestly if there's no effort from joel and katherine past this point #i'm just gonna let it fall #as important as they are to me and as much as i care about them i have to let people go #and i'll probably never stop thinking that this is all my fault #like if i had been a better person maybe people would stay #same goes for meagan #part of me also feels like i deserve this and i can't bring myself to hate them or blame them for anything #i want to be there for them so much when they're upset #but i also feel so empty now #like i've been left with nothing #gonna do a bit more studying and head to bed #tomorrow's gonna be a rough day #college talk #personal #i wanna be dead so much still #or just gone #like poof #steph never happened #i wish people cared more for their friends and not just their potential s/o's #:////

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