#the stress rn has tipped me over the edge and current family dynamics were just the final straw

[greenfiredragonfly]

below is a very venty vent post! so no one has to read it, lol. sorry. sometimes i just need to shout into the void when the stress builds up enough.

(and i do acknowledge that sometimes people leave sweet replies on my personal posts--to those individuals: I love you dearly.  You are lovely human beings, and I appreciate you so much even though I often don’t respond)

“Oh, I’ll do X thing! :D” *never does it*

.......it’s not like i expect a lot. i definitely never ask for a lot. but i am just. so. tired. I know I know I know that people have stuff going on, but for once in my life i would like someone in my family to just follow through.  You don’t have to care as much as I do--I’m not expecting that.  You do not have to match my energy, or reciprocate to the same fucking degree, or...fuck.  I know they’ve got issues and all the fucking mental disorders, but goddamn.. it would be nice to feel like someone else cared.

anyways, i am getting to the point of interpersonal burnout once again. i will resist the urge to ghost literally everyone :)

it’s just....i’m just so tired of putting as much as i can into relationships and getting nothing. (maybe I need to hold back a little?? should I try to not care about people as much??? ...that seems too hard--how can you put a leash on your heart? you just feel what you feel. :/ )

And! Okay!!! Everyone will say: “Just talk to them! Communicate!!!!”  As if i haven’t.  Fuck.  Anyways, they’re my family so I’m not gonna just drop them like... uh... like i admittedly have with past relationships where I was the only one putting in ANY effort (and again, i don’t need people to match me.  I just need something.) (and, yes, yes, “did you try telling them how you felt?” shut uuup i just want to complain right now). 

aahhghghhhh it kinda sucks because i’m using up all my energy. just on them. trying to...not get frustrated.

And you know what? I would also like someone to care as much as I do, for once in my life. And I know it’ll never happen!!! But!!!! What if!!!???!! What if someone one day put in the same level of effort as I did.  God, imagine. (that’s the stuff of daydreams,,, silly fantasies.  Aaaand that’s what writing fiction is for--I’ll never have it in my own life, but i can experience it in fiction, yeah? hahahaha)

....Okay.... Ugh. Whatever. I’m choosing to care because I want to, not because I’m expecting anything in return. So. It’s fine, yeah? I just need to take a nap or something and get over it. (ahahahaha “get over it” is my least favorite phrase in existence, and yet i use it on myself.) Also, the truth is that everything i do for them is at least a little bit for me as well, because making them happy makes me happy. so. at least there is that!